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sandandlightning · 4 months ago

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My Recent Personal Spiritual Journey

When I started this blog, I had strongly identified as a Kemetic pagan for some years. Before that an eclectic pagan, and before that just sort of generically ‘pagan’ as I was first trying to sort religion out for myself. Regardless of the label, Set had been the god I was closest to since I was a school kid.

I was in a good place spiritually when I was posting. In a way my attempts to share my knowledge was an offering in and of itself. I wanted to help others like me, especially since I always felt isolated as a solitary practitioner. I originally fell off due to things just getting busy and my health being what it is, but I found it even harder to pick up the pieces here after having a crisis of faith.

I still consider myself under the pagan umbrella, I don't think I will ever not fall under it, but I’ve certainly returned to my eclectic roots.

The harsh reality is that pagan spaces can become extremely cliquey. Most of us are neurodivergent, disabled, queer- societal outcasts in one form or another. I think a great number of us have a strong desire to find a community where we feel like we belong. It's a natural human instinct, we're pack animals at heart. The stakes are so high trying to find safe religious spaces, not only is there all of this baseline social anxiety, but you are interacting with something that is so personal and vulnerable.

Obviously, no religion is without problematic radicals. Neo Nazis and racists trying to coopt heathenry is a well known problem. And maybe, compared to that, things I have experienced aren't nearly as harrowing. (Not that, unfortunately, I have never run into those kind of so-called heathens). Paganism, especially any reconstructionist avenues, is wrought with gatekeeping and elitism. And that's not even considering the fact you have a few, marginalized, under funded individuals trying to hold together groups with rubber bands and duck tape, doing their best but unable to maintain spaces as much as they want or know is necessary.

Particularly my experiences with kemetic spaces has been… unpleasant. And worst of all, this oftentimes has to do with my closeness to Set. It is very strange in all honesty, because unlike most who have experienced their religious trauma at the hands of a conservative Christian family, mine has always been at the hands of others in the community. Which, of course, to those who have had to deal with the worst of Christianity my heart goes out to you, my personal experiences in no way are meant to belittle your own. But I have to address it, because there is this particularly unique hell of getting kicked out of the space for people with Unusual Beliefs for having a belief that is Too Unusual.

Which was always frustrating, because I did not think my own beliefs were particularly radical. I simply subscribed to old kingdom and upper Egyptian theological structure. But those aren't the popular ones, and I have outright had kemetic spaces react to my veneration of Set with the same vehemence a conservative Christian grandmother might to their goth grandchild wearing something ‘satanic’.

And sadly, those were actually the easier cases to deal with. Because while I didn't agree, at least everyone was up front about not agreeing, and about how they viewed things. I could remove myself quickly and move on. But a lot of places Want To Be Cool but Still Get Weird Around Set. And even if they try to be nice, there is a lot of internalized demonization of my deity around others that becomes hard to navigate. It's the micro transgressions and off handed comments. I am all for irreverence, I worship a trickster, but sometimes there are lines that get crossed and it's so hard to vocalize why things became uncomfortable. I don't know how to explain why jizz in salad jokes are funny but brother murdering jokes aren't. And sometimes when I try to express discomfort I just get met with a passive aggressive, ‘well that's what happens when you follow a problematic god, get used to it.’ It's incredibly alienating.

Some people have been so nice. Even if they don't agree with something, they try their hardest. They are clear and say, ‘hey, we're sorry we don't exactly agree or follow the same things, we won't be able to change or accommodate certain things, but we honestly are not bothered by your personal beliefs and you are welcome to stay.’ but for everyone 1 of them there are 5 in the same coven or community who are in fact bothered and hide it poorly, only even trying because they know it's Not Allowed to be exclusionary. And those people become an insurmountable hurdle to reach the kind ones. Or, in the end, even if someone is being kind and accepting, there is still that underlying feeling of still not quite feeling like you belong or fit in. Which isn't their fault, and makes me feel like I'm being petty. In the end I’d have to give up one way or another.

Some people have gatekept in exceptionally nitpicky ways. I remember following some persons blog who rather loudly venerated Wsir and Set side by side. They dealt with constant clap back from a lot of people I had to deal with too. People would just tell me that Aset and Wsir simply Would Not Like Me for my relation with Set. That narrative isn't really how I experience polytheism at all, nor in many cases is it necessarily ‘historically accurate’ (tho it is on occasion, and those people cite those instances feverently). It is the same feeling as having a radical, extremist Christian tell you Jesus hates you for being gay despite the fact that realistically that's not in the Bible.

That's why, despite feeling close to many Egyptian ideas, and in a world with many deities the ones I felt closest to hailed from Kemet, attempts to double down on kemetic practice always backfired spectacularly. My interpretations of Ma'at I would find to be different from others in a way that, frankly, made me feel some people were wholly unethical. Religion is a foundation of morality for many, and so when I look for my fellows for assurance that, in this abrahamic ruled world, I am not a bad person as I am often condemned, it is so, so damaging when those who I thought were my peers turn around and say that I am a radical, and my ideation is not valid. That I am wrong, not just factually, but morally.

My ties to old gods are because I do not particularly understand or endorse moral trends that have been propagated by abrahamic dominance and born of a corrupt world struggling through late stage capitalism. Some or more generically accepted began ideas, like sex positivity and queer friendliness. I find purity culture particularly loathsome. I live off the land, and don't think enough people understand or appreciate the circle of life, have looked their dinner in the eyes while it still breathes, understand that their hands are not necessarily clean just because they are an end consumer who did not personally kill something, or that slaughtering an animal for food is something that can be done respectfully and should be acknowledged. The latter bits are obviously where I start to lose people. A lot of new age folk enforce a buddhist based pacifist nature which I find entirely commendable on its own, but struggle to interact with when it is projected onto unlike pantheons. I suppose in a way, it comes down to being frustrated that many are allowed to cherry pick ideas from different cultures to form their beliefs, but if I am not picking the ‘popular’ ones I am simply wrong.

As an eclectic I have never had a problem with people picking and choosing ideas and themes that resonate with them, mind you. It's something that has more historical basis than how most reconstructionists try to section things off. But the hypocrisy and double standard are frustrating nonetheless.

One particular complaint I would get from kemetic circles more often or not was that I was a leftist, or left hand path pagan, and they weren't comfortable with that. I have known about left hand path worship since I was a child, but I never particularly thought the label fit me. The core left hand path idea in satanic pursuit is ‘worship of the self’, which was not how I practiced. I was wholly theistic. But Set has long since been identified with the satanic church, and many people less familiar with leftist ideals look at Set and Loki and every other ‘problematic’ or demonized deity and throw their worshipers into that category by default.

It was particularly frustrating when this became twisted into an implication that such practice made me selfish or self serving in a problematic way, which frankly, is just insulting to true Satanists who I have always found to be lovely people. I am not even sure I can correctly vocalize this phenomena sufficiently. I suppose one common issue is the implications that by trying to share my take on something, people would get defensive and push back like I was trying to change their minds. Even if they are the one who asked the question, if the answer is too far from what is expected they become uncomfortable. I suppose it's because, like me, they are looking for that assurance and sense of community. Not everyone who has done this is doing so maliciously and I realize, but it still hurts for everyone involved and is frustrating, hense an inclination to simply remove myself and find a place I do fit in, as lonely as the journey has been.

But after the last failed attempt to integrate with a Kemetic ground ended in disaster I finally said fuck it. If everyone is going to say I am a left hand path pagan, let's actually look into flavors of satanism, let's try it. At least the people there won't be so frustrating to be around.

It was a particularly harrowing experience, that last Kemetic group. I had turned to my religion after a lot of traumatic, unfortunate events in my life. I had lost most of my support system, finally thrown aside by the last of my family for being trans, my health was getting worse, the only thing I could do was pray. And everyone was inviting at first, but it was all so… performative. That ‘i have to be nice to you because I want to be seen as nice' behavior, when it was obvious people didn't agree fundamentally with many things I had to say. There was a lot of petty mean girls drama that didn't even have to do with religion, honestly, but the lack of morality from people who supposedly have the same foundation as you is maddening. They were ‘pro Set’ but they still practiced osirian mysteries and became Very Weird About Him around those times. It was a mix of people trying earnestly to be inclusive and people being annoyed at my presence. I don't subscribe to be slaying of Wsir myth, and was assured that was ‘okay’, and that other people agreed, but it is still hard when I can't seem to find those people, and when it was time to talk about those myths my value as a member of a community was just left by the wayside. I don't by any means expect them to stop participating in festivals that are important by any means, but given how large the group was, given how many supposed other Sethian practitioners there were, it was hard not to feel forgotten and ignored. A ‘and if you don't participate in this, why don’t you have fun with this other thing’, a quick shout out, a simple acknowledgement that not everyone participated in those festivals would have done a lot. Trying to ‘be the change I wanted to see’ did not end well, people did not take kindly to me trying to reach out to and organize things for the other Sethians. There wasn't much winning.

I came to feel uncomfortable around Aset, Heru, and Wsir. Which was particularly frustrating, because I had been close to Heru in the past. But the doubling down on certain narratives, the hive mind interpretation of how those gods behaved being so different from what I saw and experienced, it became too hard to go against the grain. I tried expanding with more obscure deities that were less concretely written in thebgroup. I became close to Neith and Khnum and Serkert, I focused on the esna traditions, something I predominantly had the pleasure of learning about because of sources from the group! But no one else particularly followed them, and so I was left alone again.

There was a common conundrum in the group, something I did also personally experience but dealt with- shockingly- in a different way than most. It's the age old, ‘well, this ancient calendar from this part of the world with an entirely different set of seasons doesn't line up with the Gregorian one at all!’ conundrum. A lot of paganism is nature based, a lot of pagans really like that connection, and it's had when working with a culture or pantheon where nature doesn't line up with the practice. Even more so with a culture that doesn't have as much, or as popularly known, rituals or practices for certain ‘popularly pagan'bthings. Like lunar cycles. Personally, moon stuff I just kept separate and interacted with in a very eclectic sense. It was never a super big focus for me, compared to a wiccain let's say. Lots of people here though really wanted big lunar stuff in a solar focused religion. I mean, go nuts! Have fun with Djehuty and Khonsu. But they sort of… wanted to push everyone else into doing that, and that was where it became awkward. Besides that there was just, a lot of disconnect on how to handle the reality of our seasons vs the ancient calendar we followed. No one really liked to talk about or acknowledge it as an issue outside of vague complaints. I personally also follow the wheel of the year, because it is designed for a modern calendar, and spent a lot of time trying to work out what Kemetic deities would make the most sense to be venerated on which of those days. It seemed a bit odd to me most people were more concerned with full moon rituals than Mabon or Litha, and I felt pretty solitary in holidays I adopted specifically because they were ‘mainstream’. A bit of a personal problem I realize, but it was another straw in the camel's back.

But I've digressed a fair bit. The point being I took a few dozen hints and ultimately left, not wanting to waste energy around people who caused me stress and feeling utterly shattered by a loss of faith. I felt so alone and lost. My gods had been twisted in my mind into something they weren't. I felt constantly ashamed and worried I was causing them offense, with perhaps the sole exceptions of Set and Anpu. I did not know where else to go, so I turned to pantheons yet untapped and unexplored. I went to the place people kept assuming I belonged, thinking maybe they were right and I just misunderstood the concept.

I certainly had not, but I found a much more rich and diverse and organized ecosystem within left hand path faiths. I certainly did not feel, theistic focused as I am, that I fit in with many different flavors of satanism (but again, no offense to them, you all are absolutely lovely, you keep on living your best lives.) but there were theistic forms of satanism that seemed more fitting to my cup of tea. And, as stated before, Set was already venerated in a lot of Satanic churches. This sometimes made me feel uncomfortable, because in my understanding of Set, he and Satan or Lucifer or whichever incarnations did not share a lot in common. I disliked the idea of a Christian narrative being forced on an old god on principle. But what I found were reasons for his veneration that were honestly a lot more in line with my own beliefs and upg and not simply because ‘bad guy god go here.’ it was his championing of individualism, the chaotic nature of nature itself, and free will, luciferian ideals to be sure but approached from surprisingly historically appropriate sources and not at all monotheized narratives. There is obviously some level of ‘well we are adopting him because he has been labeled as problematic’ but they took the time to understand intricacies of his teachings and not just copy paste some ideas onto him. For the first time in a long time, I saw other people look at his aspect as a war god and interpret it as I had, ‘you should speak up for fight for what you believe, you have a right to fight tooth and nail to exist in this word, it is more ethical to fight against injustice you see than be a bystander.’ This patroning of ‘war’ was not just a traditional one fought with spears and blood, but the embodiment of a fighting spirit to push back and make the change you want to see in the world with the tools whatever society you are in sees fit. I finally began to feel less alone.

I have become exceptionally close to Lucifer, and I really shouldn't be surprised. I was always wary to approach him, to approach certain aspects of Satanism as though it was simply signing myself up for too much. Not in a particularly Christian narrative induce way, (not that living in a Christian country wants a factor, of course) but in the same way that I whole heartedly respect the All Father but will not go near him with a ten foot pole. It was a can of worms I was afraid of opening, but apparently needlessly so.

As an enjoyer of myth and theology in general, I had done my fair share of research on demonology and abrahamic angelic hierarchies purely from a scholarly point of view. It was not my religion, but it was fascinating nonetheless. But those ideas I consumed in my youth shaped me more than I thought, and I now fully believe several such entities have been watching over me since childhood, patiently waiting for me to be ready to listen and accept them into my life. Leviathan, particularly, I have also become close to and can in hindsight see so many instances of his influence and protection in my life.

As I continued down a rabbit hole exploring a tangle of satanic, pagan, and left hand umbrellas I eventually arrived at the more recently coined, but longly practiced demonalatory. The Goetia was quite popular here, and that was something my previous demonology research had well equipped me for! I did not feel so grossly like I was starting over, just applying knowledge I had had for decades and applying it in new ways.

What really won me and caused me to double down was the community I found. I have not reached out much, I am an anxious individual on a good day, but I could see even just looking from a distance how different things were. Everything was so much more courteous. People went out of their way to actually shut down gatekeeping when it was seen. People linked their references in a way that wasn't condescending or assuming it was an end all be all truth. Eclecticism was encouraged! Books I read literally told me ‘dont like these hierarchies? Make your own! Feel it with your heart.’ People actually take this advice seriously and respect others. People have the fucking capacity to go ‘man, that isn't the aspect of that entity that I persieve or interact with, but yours is so valid, these are all multi faceted beings.’ they are beginner friendly, actually beginner friendly, with dozens of archived and organized posts to help explain things from different authors and perspectives. Even posts telling people they shouldn't worry if there is a big ‘fad’ happening when they join and they shouldn't take it to heart or as gospel. Encouraging questioning everything and meaning it. Intellectual discussion without 50 ‘well actuallys’, a community where everyone is actually treated as equal and no one person becomes venerated as some defacto priest. It is lovely.

Per advice given, I decided to work out my own mini patheon of central deities, demons, and entities, working with those I had a connection with before and seeing how things went. Honestly, a lot of this was because I would look at certain quarter ruler arrangements and go ‘I mean yeah, Lucifer, Belial, and Leviathan? Those be the classics. But while I am sure you're lovely Feloreus, I have literally never heard of you before and the one of these things is not like the other energy is just not the vibe.’ I have since substituted him with Ashtaroth as the fire elemental, but I'll talk more about that later.

Bune was the first I interacted with. Their sigil was something I first saw in an anime when I was 5 for a deity that was effectively a DnD lesser god. Much later in life I had a moment where I joked I ‘was connecting dots that were never meant to be connected’ when doing some Goetia research for a more recent anime made me recognize the sigil from my childhood favorite show. I quickly developed a favorite goetic demon, even if it was at the time from a secular place. Ultimately, I found a lot of connections from my childhood and felt closer to them than ever. They were another ‘red’ entity like Set, and they became something of my liaison as I explored with others.

In an attempt based purely in desperation, I had turned to Ipos after determining he seemed to be the most qualified to help with my anxiety. He was exceptionally soothing and familiar, the latter of which was strange. Further down the research hole what do I find? A fairly unanimous conclusion that Ipos is the corrupted, demonized representation of Anpu in early Christianity. Fucking bet.

This was delightful on so many layers. For one, it was fascinating to see a very different game of linguistic telephone and see how Ipos, in a way, was far closer to original translations and transliterations of Anpu than the romanized Anubis. I found, and have found with every deity I have since attempted to ‘reverse engineer' in this way, that the understanding of this entity passed down by word of mouth was far more inline not only with my personal interpretation and upg, but with how original Egyptian text described when you scrub out all of the 17th century white British Christian nonsense that archeology is laden with. Even pagan scholars, try as they might, have a hard time removing things that have been treated as fact for so long, seeing bias that is ingrained in our society. This was like some magical, isolated, uncorrupted source of information. Which well, there has certainly been corruption, especially from 17th century white British Christian nonsense even though it was from an occultist's hand rather than an archeologist’s and arguably therefore less severe, but it felt so much more genuine than so many takes of reconstructionists. It was more sparse, but that lack of need to methodically fill in the gaps kept the information that was there a bit less twisted. Kept further from the public eye, the layers of whitewashing that needed to be scrubbed away were significantly less.

Rather than a small window into a glorious past that seems unattainable, I feel like I have found the long path the gods have walked to where they sit in this world today.

While demonalatory comes in heavily theistic flavors it comes in many more secular ones as well, as is unsurprising given its satanic roots. I have found many ‘traditionally witchy’ pagan practices that are sometimes just awkwardly pasted over the base pantheons and practices to fit with a wider crowd and modern understanding have much stronger roots here- or at least have been settled into a nest much more carefully and integrated with forethought. And besides that I have found so many of those ideas cited in Egypt! Some of which I knew, others I didn't. It was so strange, knowing I had spent years studying Egyptian myth and practice and ideas, only to find so many fundamental traditions originated there despite being forgotten by the reconstructionists. Alchemy began in Egypt I knew, but I found so many better sources, so many specific little things I didn't realize were a part of the alchemy umbrella because they have become so unanimously adopted by modern secular witchcraft elements such as astronomy they are treated as a modern idea not rooted in tradition and cut out of their origin. Metals especially were fascinating, especially with so much corroboration from isolated far east cultures. People talk about Egypt, and talk about how Egypt was influenced, and talk about how Egypt influenced others instead of trying to put things in a vacuum. I was delighted.

Set, of course, had his own fun with all this. I did have anxiety and general existential dread at what felt like simply jumping religions after decades. Would he be mad I was so close to these other gods and demons where I had failed to be close to any of his siblings? Would it upset him if I redesigned the altar he was the center of? Would he feel like the odd one out over time?

Sitri was a goetic demon that was a favorite go to of mine for using in fiction. I had done lots of research on him earlier in my life than with Bune. You think the leopard imagery would have been a hint.

A good meditation of being trolled by your patron with lots of sad farewell songs coming on only for the tone to shift abruptly and you start to realize, wait a minute. And sure enough, like with Ipos and Anpu, there was a general consensus that Sitri is Set. I could feel him laughing, but it was the closest I had felt to him in a long time, and I was finally at some semblance of peace.

I personally view his aspect as Sitri as particularly doubling down on the ‘patron god of the gay’ aspect, but that is a fair amount of upg.

I have taken to trying to document as many ‘original identities’ of traditional goetic and other popular demons as I can, something I feel a bit uniquely equipped to pursue given my background (not that there aren't others in the same boat I'm sure.) I've made a lot of personal discoveries and latched on to many more of others. While not as absolute as some have found, enough etymology telephone could place our fire deity Feloreus as an aspect of Heru, so no wonder I had felt a bit awkward after my recent divine falling out. Ashtaroth (which I have taken to preferring over Astaroth) is unquestionably Ishtar and the many many different diets in the area she shares roles with. I will do a fun post on some of the etymology later, but it is where we get Ostara and apparently validated some upg of her and Lucifer being close.

Which is ironic, because I have always felt drawn to Ishtar but struggled to approach. Now having the correct avenue, it has become easy. In terms of Egypt I personally identify her most with Hat-Hor opposed to Aset. I suppose that is my old kingdom inclination, as I feel like the original ideal of Aset is much further off from her, unlike the new kingdom nigh monotheistic Aset which was much closer. Particularly the idea of Hat-Hor and Sekhmet as two faces of the same entity speaks to Ishtar for me personally. I had some closeness with Hat-Hor, certainly the closest I was to a goddess, but things still sometimes felt clunky. This now is all more natural.

But most importantly I don't feel like I have abandoned my gods, just found a better avenue with which to communicate with them and accepted a few more into my inner circle. But it was all a long, complicated, tedious process that is not easy to explain so I have written this unholy novella to try to. Not that I have ever been particularly skilled at being concise.

I feel more like myself than I have in a long time. I think I had really begun to internalize things about my religion that were at odds with my own internal processes and unhealthy, even if it was little things like starting to feel self conscious about what types of clothes I wore. All the parts of witchcraft that are important to me feel so cohesive now, my calendar is no longer an unsolvable conundrum that always ends in me feeling on the sidelines, but something a nice mix of traditional and tailored that I think is much more palatable to the new crowd I have found.

The unfortunate result is for the first time in my life considering something of a broom closet. A post about aroace rage I once read articulated the feeling well, that they aren't a ‘socially acceptable easy to digest ace who wants to be all lovey dovey’, I feel like I am no longer a ‘socially acceptable, easy to digest pagan'. I am not a quirky witch who worships nature and flowers and gods you learned about in public school in a way that is strange but exotic and intriguing. I have befriended the devil even if I do not see him as such, I fall under a satanic umbrella of some kind even if I am not entirely sure the label fits, or what label does fit. I am now no longer simply standing in a place that a fair number of Christians would see as about as confusing as Hinduism or other non abrahamic religions, but something in technicality in direct opposition to it. Not that there aren't always radical Christians who are quick to assume any flavor of witchy endeavors is satanic and by satanic they assume you are sacrificing goats. But I feel like I am over a line, I am no longer ‘passing’, a feeling I have had to contend with through transitions and sexuality and race that I don't particularly relish having to again. Not that there's much to be done for it. In the end it susses out the assholes of the world quick, which in a way so exactly what I was asking for, but I still have a fear in the back of my head, the same one that an unforgiving neighbor will try to vandalize my house for the same way I always have due to my sexuality or gender. You think living with the fear that long I'd be used to it but no. I am just… suddenly self conscious about talking about religious anything in public, thinking to hard about every joke or creative swear, hyper conscious that should someone recognize the sigils I have drawn on my arm to try and calm my nerves and repair my health that they may turn against me without warning and with extreme prejudice, openly berate me while I mind my own business.

But as I said it is technically what I asked for. I would rather be able to see my enemies clearly than continue to have them masquerade as my friends.

A more depressing note than I intended to end on, but one I felt compelled to share all the same. I think it is important to address the hard things. And really, I am much happier now. I feel more centered, I feel like I understand myself and the world around me better. I feel heard and I feel included rather than alone. Not that it isn't lonely sometimes, there aren't really any local pagan groups in the area, but then again 90% of ‘the area’ is corn and soy so that's unsurprising. There's actually a lovely pagan apothecary in the closest city! And with any luck I will be able to sell some consigned goods there.

All of this is, in the end, besides a lengthy meandering confession of sorts I suppose, a lengthy and meandering explanation for a change in direction for this blog. I'll make some more, significantly more succinct posts about some things in the future, but for now I give you the full story as to why things are so different.

I intend to keep what has been posted archived and available. My compulsion to share myself and my spirituality is, besides wanting to feel connected, rooted in some ways in a desire to help and to share and put things out there because if I don't, who will? As a Sethian, the idea of deleting existing content in an attempt to present uniformity and professionalism is just nonsensical. Change happens, Set is about embracing change, and hiding my own change certainly won't do any good for myself or the world at large. If nothing else I hope other, younger pagans see this and take away ‘its okay to try something new and go somewhere else, no matter how long it's been.’ In a similar vein, I am absolutely happy to continue to discuss any Egyptian ideas, from upg I have had, currently had, to historical sources I have showered and have under my belt. If something I have or know can help you with what you're doing, going through, or trying to understand I am more than happy to share!

#personal practice #eclectic pagan #paganism #left hand path #demonolatry #theistic luciferianism #i think #religion is hard #personal journey #this is long af and i am extremely sorry #handling a crisis of faith #poorly? who knows!#i became extremely compelled to write this all in one sitting i lovingly lowkey blame levi #tbh the real point of this is just to announce WE INTTERUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED EGYPT TIME WITH DEMON FACTS

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pearwaldorf · 2 years ago

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In the course of living our lives, sometimes we let things drift to the wayside until we are reminded they exist, and are dissatisfying. The catalyst for this is this extremely cogent post about how white queer experiences are centered in Critical Role (specifically, but also in other) fandom.

I've been watching this show for a very long time, and I used to volunteer as an editor and timesetter for the CR Transcripts project. But I've found myself drifting further and further away from the fandom at large, and some of the things above are why. I mean, the fandom is much, much larger than it was when I first joined, and growing pains happen.

Critical Role is a big name in the actual play space, and I feel like it attracts a certain type of white (queer) fan that likes to think of themselves as "woke" or "progressive", but in mostly shallow ways. The vitriol I saw flung when South Asian fans expressed dissatisfaction with the worldbuilding in Jrusar and Marquet was incredible, to the point where people unfamiliar with the fandom were like "Guess the alt-right's not going to have problems recruiting here lol". (Racism in fandom is always the same, regardless of what fandom it is. The degree and specificity in which it occurs is really the only difference.)

And I'm not surprised it struck a nerve, because they "did everything right", bringing in diversity and cultural sensitivity consultants to make sure they didn't fuck it up. But as somebody on Twitter said, that's really all a consultant can do, make sure you don't fuck it up. It's difficult to replicate lived experience, to make a setting feel like a place that's part of you. And because of the visibility of big name white creators, it's going to overshadow whatever #ownvoices content other people create, especially when they got there first.

That's the thing about conditional allyship--fans and people of color have it until they trigger some white people feefees you didn't know were an issue until they were. CR did everything right, so why the fuck are the brown people still complaining? Is it not enough not to be racist? What do you mean they still want to be able to tell stories the way they want?

I feel like Critical Role as A Brand is also extremely not transparent when called out on its fuck-ups (the Wendy's sponsorship, the original C3 opening), which sets a poor example for fans as well. If I was one of the people who'd been dogpiled (especially when said dogpiling happened because of a friend of the show drawing attention to fans' comments), I'd be pissed at the giant wall of silence. Like, CR Inc can do whatever the fuck it wants, but the sudden appearance of a new title sequence after people were like "Uh, this is kind of insensitive" with absolutely no acknowledgement that maybe they goofed? Kinda uncool.

I do believe they're genuinely trying to do their best. But as (white) people, they are subject to all the nonsense society imparts on everybody, especially in terms of race, class, and all the other shit that interacts with those experiences. And I wish they, but especially CR fans, would decenter their experiences as white people to think about other ways these characters can give them insight into lives that aren't their own.

#word vomit #critical role #no malarkey on this post if you please #i am extremely not in the mood #racism in fandom

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nofacednerd · 1 year ago

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You know what I loved the most about My Adventures With Superman? The fact that it's evidence that every serialized story has to be as dark and gritty as burnt toast.

Yeah, sure, it has it's dark moments.

Like when Lois [CENSORED FOR SPOILERS] Clark because he's Superman.

Or when Jimmy got himself [CENSORED FOR SPOILERS] all alone.

Or when the General and Amanda Waller [CENSORED FOR SPOILERS] together near the end of the season.

But it's still a really lighthearted show most of the time. Meanwhile, most serialized shows get darker and darker to the point where you need f*cking night-vision goggles to actually watch the damn thing.

And despite how many shows go down the tubes because of this style of depressing storytelling--Friendship Is Magic, Star Vs, Steven Universe, Miraculous Ladybug, Voltron: that one Loonatics show that's become nothing but a joke to everyone including Warner Bros themselves--despite ALL THAT, people still insist that making shows dark and gritty through serialization is a good idea. And by "people", I mean:

A. Insecure man-children who want to convince you that watching a kid's show about magical ponies makes them smarter or more mature than average.

Or B. Creative hacks in showbiz who want to pander the aforementioned man-children because that's always easier than actually writing a story.

But if all of those shows are evidence as to why making shows too dark is a bad idea, My Adventures With Superman is evidence that having a balance, or even arguably a majority of lightheartedness, is a winning strategy.

anon I prommy it's okay. I, the OP, can tag this post as spoilers. You don't need to censor yourself here bud

2. not to go all animation major on this post but I think that in terms of 'grittiness' in cartoons within the last decade, it's kind of important to think about how media affects our views of the world and how, in turn, world events affect media.

To put it lightly, the last decade has fucking SUCKED. The 2016 presidential election, the sudden shift on social media to give platforms to racists, misogynists, and homophobes, the rise of neo-nazis. Not to mention a global pandemic and multiple major crises around the world. Children these days are VASTLY different to how children were when I (and maybe even you, anon) were that age. They have social media now where they're exposed to the worst of the world at a near-constant basis. It's traumatizing.

Cartoons have always been about giving kids a reflection of themselves. The world is darker and kids are developing mental illnesses and trauma, so the media they watch reflects that.

I also think that it isn't particularly fair to the shows you have listed here to say that they have 'depressing' storytelling and implying the only people who like those sorts of shows are man-children or hacks. I like those shows and I'm neither of the above. It's also unfair to completely reduce those shows to being gritty when.... they really aren't? Not any more than My Adventures with Superman is, really. My Little Pony is especially mostly lighthearted adventures about love and friendship. Miraculous' more serious moments are, at best, a B-plot as far as I'm aware and are only really discussed majorly in fanon spaces. Star Vs was SO much fucking around randomly that I got bored of the show after a while. The only real outlier here that I can comment on (I haven't and will not watch Voltron) is Steven Universe, but when talking about it's core messaging, it's important to remember Rebecca Sugar's identity as a queer Jewish person, and how that affects it's themes of love and oppression.

MAWSM's 'lightheartedness' also comes from an extremely long-lasting era of gritty superhero stories in general (thanks alan moore and also that one guy who called the dc hotline like 40 times because he fucking hated jason todd). It's intentionally supposed to be majorly lighthearted because darker stories is the only (and in my opinion, incorrect) way that Superman has been allowed to be presented within the last few decades.

I think that, perhaps dear anon, what you really are looking for is more diversity in content. And that's fair! But there are plenty of shows that don't (as far as I'm aware) focus too heavily on heavy themes, but the truth is, mawsm does. There are lots of heavy themes of imperialism, identity, diaspora, and trauma all within the first season of the show.

Not particularly sure where I was going with this. Sorry for replying with a full essay.

#also sometimes dark and gritty is what people need. just bc it isnt for you doesnt mean that its an invalid form of storytelling.#you made the mistake of saying this to an animation major lmao #long post

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runthepockets · 10 months ago

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Extremely bullshit personal ramble under the cut

I was reading this article on Chevy Chase yesterday, and it talked a little about his time on the tv show Community, and how he once left creator Dan Harmon an angry voicemail after the latter had embarrassed him very publicly at a party. And Harmon's response was to....play the voicemail at a small gathering, which just felt really unnecessarily cruel and exploitative for a guy in charge of a successful sitcom.

"This is a pattern people have with my father" Chase's daughter says, "whenever they get hurt by him, the run to tell their friends and call up TMZ and gossip about him, make him a laughing stock, put him on blast in front of the whole world". And look, I know the guy is an ass. He's a racist, xenophobic, sexist, and every other outdated ideal rich white guys are prone to under the sun, with a huge ego. But a lot of me is still like....why this? He's just a guy, he's still human at the end of the day. You're both adults, and Harmon was clearly the one in the wrong, why didn't he just call Chase and apologize for embarrassing him in front of his family and coworkers? That doesn't seem unreasonable. I believe in accountability, and all, but kicking a man when he's down and making a huge spectacle of it for a cheap laugh is just low hanging fruit, and wraps back around to being pretty devastating and pathetic, even if he sucks as a person.

I've been bitching a lot about queer spaces lately, and I feel pretty bad about it, even if I feel a lot of the criticism is warranted. In the midst of all my bitching, I should clarify that I'm not one to sell people up the river for cis approval, or to judge people unfairly for being different than me, or any of that stuff. I'm an adult, I grew up in the 2000s and 2010s. I remember all the stupid jokes at trans women's expense and a lot of "shock humor" revolving around making a mockery of gay men's sexualities. I remember how people hated Brokeback Mountain when it first came out. I remember Matthew Shephard. I remember how simply wearing pants that fit could get a guy jumped after dark. I think about all of that stuff all the time. I'm stealth and unwilling to compromise this, but even while navigating the world as a cishet dude, I still operate as an ally to the queer struggle and liberation. I'm not an idiot and I'm not heartless, I know it's rough out here, I can still afford people a lot of grace and empathy, I'm genuinely a pretty smart and patient guy.

But lately I feel my patience is running thin. I wish it wasn't, but it is. Every time I try to open myself up in queer spaces I just end up getting manipulated or abused or backstabbed or assigned some sort of mediator role that I never asked for. And look, I'm no saint, and I know I can be pretty polarizing at times. I often struggle to find the sweet spot between amusement and comedy and just being a douche, and at the end of the day not everyone in the world is going to like me, cis or trans, gay or straight, and goddamn if there aren't people I couldn't give less of a shit about. I honestly couldn't care less about being in everyone's good graces, that's just not how being an adult in this life works.

But I digress. I'm not a damn mass murderer, I've never raped or sexually harassed or killed anyone. I'm just kind of awkward at times. For all my jokes and how much I revel in being a bad boy and giving little to no fucks about any trivial bullshit, I do have morals. I do try very hard to make sure no one feels left out or alienated or uncomfortable by my actions, and if I do it's almost never intentional. It isn't fun. Being the only black & neurotypical dude in a lot of queer spaces isn't too dissimilar from Mr. Chase's experiences on Community; if you fuck up, you're pretty much fucked. Queer spaces are too small to avoid everyone you've ever fucked up with, and you can't throw a rock in a queer space without hitting like 12 people with trauma responses that lead them to blow a lot of things out of proportion. By no fault of their own, of course, but they are still in control of their actions and that more often than not leads to me being treated like some sort of pariah rather than just being told what I did wrong and deescalating conflict in a casual way.

On a more menial and petty level, it also sucks being ignored. Seeing people's eyes glaze over and watching them reach for their phones any time I talk about my interests and passions for improving malenes or how much I like being a straight guy, cus that doesn't blend very well with people's ideas of queer identity / conflicts with their priorities. It sucks. I'm chopped liver. I wish I could pin it to white queer spaces (and they are the most egregious offenders for most of this), but I think it's just the state of nonblack queers in general and the sad reality of queer spaces being molded as a "safe space" from masculinity since like, the 70s (many trans men and masc gay men will agree with and testify to this). That's a good 80% of time I just spend being an after thought, both interpersonally and in broader political conversations. It sucks ass. I get that being stealth isn't for everyone, but I really don't see how anyone can fault me for my decision. When I'm in the cishet world, as a black dude, things aren't perfect either, but people are more likely to understand where I'm coming from and the things I have to say, at the very least, because the majority of their experiences are the same and the lack of stigma and trauma around their identities makes it a lot easier to communicate. Again, this is not a personal failing of queer spaces, but the material reality is....yeah, it's just easier for me personally to deal with cishet people. Black trans people, too, but realistically black people as a whole only make up about 13% of the population and only like, 6% of that is trans, and I'm not gonna spend all day every day weeding out people to hang out with, I'm gonna chill with whoever is cool to be around.

Idk man. Lately I've just been feeling this strong sense of "if I weren't trans, I wouldn't matter to any of these people, pretty much everything between us is conditional." Like, if people react this poorly to me as a black dude who presumably doesn't have a dick or isn't struggling with a lot of the hang ups and traumas cis black dudes have (you know, the kind of shit that lands you in jail or addicted to meth, instead of just being kind of rude and dismissive sometimes), imagine how they'd react if I actually was a cis black dude. I'd probably be torn to shreds by now. And the fact that I'm feeling this way means it's probably time for a huge change. I try really hard-- to accommodate for people, to find new friends, to learn and keep learning and always try to do better, and it all always ends the same. It's gotten to the point where some of my friends think it's all online nonsense. It's not. Being a black man really just sucks that fucking bad, and it really is just this fucking hard all the time. I mean don't get me wrong, I fucking love being black and I love being a man, but there is no reprieve, and it's idiotic to act as if all men have the same privileges that white dudes do.

I don't think I can ever fully leave queer spaces behind; I mean, I love trans women so much, romantically platonically and sexually, and black trans people in particular give me so much joy and hope in a world that feels very stacked against me a lot of the time. But I do think it's time to be more selective with my time and energy and who I interact with, cus it's very apparent to me that a lot of people don't have my best interests at heart, nor do they really know how to deal with problems beyond very surface level and biased understandings of gender and being trans.

At the end of the day, I really really love people, which is maybe why it always hits so hard when they don't always love me back.

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ruiination · 1 year ago

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RULES

topaz. he/they. 25+ blogs: warrior of light. / personal / makoto yuki

Meta Rules:

I am a person and am bipolar. I have episodes of intense depression and also moments of extreme anxiety/paranoia. During these extremes, I will shut myself out from others. This is because I know I can be harmful when it comes to my thinking. I can be incredibly negative and accidentally vent or overshare. I can become irrationally fearful or obnoxious. I am in treatment for these things, and the biggest thing I know is that I can be harmful and be easily harmed. I have had a variety of experiences where I have accidentally crossed lines or slipped into toxic bullshit. I have been manipulated and hurt during these episodes. The best thing for me in these situations is to give me space. I need to protect myself during these times. I need to be alone. I am reluctant to be open because of past experiences. I know I cannot act rationally and can make stupid choices. I can become snippy or traumadump. I can allow people to walk on my boundaries during these periods. I have been manipulated multiple times to do and share things I am not comfortable with. On that subject, I am always open to talking or hearing people out. But if I am having an episode of depression, I will not be capable of listening to people vent. When I am manic, I get incredibly anxious or hyper. The anxiety can turn into downright paranoia which is why I cannot handle vagueblogging and stuff during those times. I am not making excuses. I am just letting everyone know that I sometimes need space. I need patience. I may still write. But I will not be able to speak much ooc. It is not personal. But sometimes I just struggle. It is a struggle a lot of the time. I wanted to add this into my rules even if it makes me so nervous to do it.

I try my best to tag triggers, so if you need something tagged let me know.

Sexism and racism will not be tolerated, you will be blocked. If you post anything transphobic, homophobic, or biphobic, I will block YOU

If you ship adult/minor ships or condone that stuff, do not interact.

I can and will block if people make me uncomfortable.

I will never write incest.

If you are here because of Jay or whatever, here is my post about his little stunt and the photo of my original DNI (which i posted as a screenshot from my Clive blog so it wouldn't so up on searches) is on the bottom of the page. ♥ I am thankful for all of the support, but I do not want to talk about him. If you have found one of his blogs, you can feel free to let me know.

In terms of triggers, I try my best to keep up. But it's not easy for me to tag not standard ones. If you are triggered by dogs, violence, mental illness, and childhood trauma this may not be the blog for you.

If you constantly delete/move your blogs, I might be hesitant to interact with you.

I am white irl and I do write a few poc. If you see me so anything wrong and you are a poc, feel free to educate me. I'm always trying to learn and be better. I have a zero tolerance policy about racism. I will not speak over poc. If they tell me something is a microagression or downright racist, I'm only going to listen. I can't possibly know their lived experience and trust their perspective. Please reach out if you see anything from me I need to correct!

I'm queer. I am genderfluid with a masc lean. Assigned female at birth. I have a zero tolerance policy about about hate toward lgbt+ people and misogyny. I will say something to you if it seems unintentionally done. But yeah.

I am incredibly uncomfortable around much of the following fandoms: final fantasy xvi , danganronpa, and baldur's gate 3. Still willing to follow or interact but I may be hesitant.

Interaction Rules:

Asks can ALWAYS be replied to.

All muses are crossover friendly and OC friendly.

Do not force me to ship or smut.

I'm mutuals only.

If you are a multi muse and send an ask or like a starter call without specifying what muse you are sending from, I won't answer. If you don't specify a muse you want from me when you send asks, I won't answer.

I don't use icons for certain muses. I do not have time to make icons for 60+ muses.

I have 4 different muse sections which are to indicate activity. Primary muses are the most active and accepting. where each section below it becomes less active or accepting. I also added a feature muse to indicate the character I have the most muse for right now which will be the MOST active.

I will no longer be writing smut rps. It doesn't make me comfortable for a variety of reasons. I may do some on discord and I am happy to talk about those sorts of headcanons, but I have discovered that I have hang-ups with writing things like that that I have not been able to push past. I will enact a fade to black policy for now. I am truly sorry. I have only had a handful of partners I have written this type of content with and all but one have resulted in the same outcome that is just a personal failing of mine. I will continue to try to work through this. But for now, please try to be understanding. If you want more of an explanation, feel free to ask in dms/ims.

Shipping/Mains Rules

If you are a main or ship partner, I need to be able to kinda talk to you ooc. I only will be mains with someone that speaks with me ooc.

If you MAINLY want to smut/ship and that's the only reason you are here, this blog isn't for you.

Mains get priority.

If you become mains or start shipping with be and then never reply or talk to me, I'll remove you from my list. Shipping or being mains should be the start and not the end. That status is not a trophy to be put on your shelf. Exceptions can obviously be made and I'm always okay with low activity or extended breaks. I just ask for communication when possible.

I will typically not be exclusive.

Credits

Icon Templates: cassiaslair, somresources, calisources, paletterph, thunderousmemes, stephysource, biscuit, supersources

Coloring psds: abstraect, somresources, tattooedtaemin, calisources, freerps, biscuit.

Caps: capsource

dividers: here, and paletterph

Mains

@nivaera.

@cagedfirebird

@unrealization

#( meta ↷ rules. )

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symptoms-syndrome · 2 years ago

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Ok here's the tea

So like, it's a server of entirely queer Koreans. And like a MONTH ago, there was sort of a fire because someone said smth like "Korean Christians are all inherently bad people," and I was like "Hey maybe we should avoid making broad generalizations about people who are like. In the server with us. You know, to be respectful." And I was real nice about it and all that jazz. Because I'm a real patient person TBH. I have a pretty high tolerance for Bullshittery. Anyway it turned into a whole Thing because there's like two or three people in there who think they're the shit dot net because they learned fun buzzwords from twitter like "strawmanning" and "gaslighting" and "respectability politics." Which is extremely frustrating because it's absolutely impossible to have a reasonable conversation with them because they do not in any way shape or form actually know what these words mean. One person, completely out of the blue, chimed in with "are we not allowed to complain about white people then?" and then two messages later said that I was strawmanning for making a comparison (I said that while Christianity may have roots in white supremacy, that does not make all those who participate in it inherently white supremacist, similarly to how the beauty industry is also rooted in white supremacy but not all those who wear makeup deserve to get shit for it.) Which is insane bc bestie you're the one strawmanning here.

Anyway it eventually died down (after that person wrote a whole big essay about how they're being silenced and tone policed etc etc etc despite not even being the person who made the original comment, only chiming in to add shit to the fire.) But then yesterday someone who I think is new randomly replies to some of these, again, MONTH old comments, which sparks an outburst of shit again. And this happened last time, but like. The "what about complaining about white people" person was like "um well some of us don't have positive relationships with whiteness/christianity" in a real passive aggressive way and I'm like. Seeeeeeething RN. Like sorry I didn't trauma dump in graphic detail like you did but seriously what a dick fucking move to just assume that I looooooove whiteness and Christianity just because I told you to be mindful that there are some people who are Christian in the server. Like I did not even say you can't criticize Christianity. Anyway this bitch is going offfffff about how the server is sooo unsafe for POC and sooo white and this would never happen in a Black/brown led server (which is insane given that like. First off that's kinda racist of u for a lot of reasons but a lot of the mod team is literally brown in addition to the Korean so like.) and it's like girlie if u think it's so awful here why are u still here. Like I've been in servers where the vibe is rancid and I hate the way it's moderated so I simply Don't Stay in those servers??? What's ur fucking problem???

But anyway they're all like "uwu you simply wouldn't understand, I need a space specifically for People Like Me who have faced racism and Christian oppression" and I'm like GIRLIE I would also be part of those spaces so like!!! Ur not gonna be free from me!!!

and likeeeeeeee not to invalidate anyone's trauma here but their trauma they dumped was fairly middle of the road in terms of like, religious trauma so I COULD absolutely win this pissing contest if I also chose to traumadump I just do not want to at all and also morally disagree with doing so so like. I won't. But I am like. Committing acts of violence mentally RN like girlie what the hell fuck is wrong with you.

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stubbornjerk · 3 years ago

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Why people keep telling you to block them if you support Pholo (Penumbra Edition)

Or: why jitterbug-juno really deactivated

I love when people categorize this as fandom wank. Really makes you feel like you’re putting the onus on either side of the conversation.

I’m making this post not because I want to stir up spoiled milk, but because I want it out there that this wasn’t a purity culture war.

The TL;DR version of this is that fans of color tried to tell Rab (prev. jitterbug-juno) not to post her Omegaverse (or A/B/O) fic. And instead of taking the L, she posted it on Ao3 and deactivated.

But, if you want context, well, buckle in. CW for mentions of racism and transphobia.

What did jitterbug-juno do?

Before I get into this I do want it out there that I will not be linking Rab’s fic, but I will show you this screenshot of the summary of it.

[ID: It is a screenshot of a fic, “As You Are” by Pholo.

Summary: Peter can hide his scent glands behind cologne; makeup; concealer pads. He can quash his heats with suppressants. He can divert the urge to nest and fawn.

But he can’t feign another gender’s subvocals. He lacks the anatomical capacity. Mag taught him to distract from his silence with fast, flashy words. For longer heists he relies on social convention. Traumatic mutism is uncommon, but remarked upon by enough war vets and soap operas to be widely recognized. Peter’s marks assume he’s been harmed long before they assume he’s a closeted omega. It would take quite the backwater brute to ask why he doesn’t murmur or chuff or growl.

On the 'Blanche there are the usual furtive glances. Juno makes clear to Peter that should he ever want “to talk about what happened,” he’ll be there to listen. The gesture annoys Peter more than comforts him.

‘Nothing happened,’ he wants to scream. ‘There’s nothing to talk about!’

There are 14 comments, 85 kudos, and 11 bookmarks /end]

You decide what you’re doing with that information, but honestly, I’d rather you don’t give it anymore engagement than it deserves.

There was a period earlier this June (yes, even though it’s only the 10th, at time of writing) when Rab was posting snippets of the aforementioned fic on her blog and tagging it appropriately, putting it in the attention of pretty much the entire Penumbra fandom.

What’s Omegaverse or a/b/o and why is everyone so against Rab for it

If you know what Omegaverse is, I don’t have to tell you why it’s controversial. If you don’t know what Omegaverse is, well, Fanlore said it best:

a kink trope wherein some or all people have defined biological roles based on a hierarchical system, with the terms originating from animal behaviour research. There may be werewolf, knotting, or other animalistic elements involved, or the characters may be otherwise purely human.

The term is generally written with slashes (a/b/o). Many fans, particularly ones from Australia and New Zealand, are uncomfortable seeing the term without slashes because it is also an Australian slur for aboriginal people.

I won’t get into the history or the heaps and tons of other discourses (mostly about fictional male pregnancy, homophobia, transphobia, sexual assault, etc.) that go on within that. We’re here specifically on Rab v. Penumbra fans of color and we’re staying there.

Anyone who’s been in Penumbra enough to realize that everyone draws the Junoverse characters in a certain way knows that a) Juno is black, b) Nureyev is Asian, and c) as a fan you have to be aware of what you’re subjecting or saying about either of them because of the political repercussions that come with it.

And despite that, Rab proceeded to write Peter Nureyev, a gender nonconforming gay Asian male character that is widely headcanon’d as trans, into a fic using a kink trope that relies heavily on animal behavior.

Unlike most people new to fandom, Rab is aware of what Omegaverse is and is very much white. She is (and if she isn’t, should be) aware of the racist undertones that writing him in would get.

I couldn’t get a screenshot of what snippets Rab was sending out into the ether, seeing as a majority of my friends would rather not have seen any at all (I have all of the usual tags blocked so I wouldn’t have seen it either way), but needless to say, Rab got attention for it. Both positive and negative.

Anne (@hopeless-eccentric) even posted a satirical fic, in the odds that Rab was just writing this thing to be “the first” to write Omegaverse fic in the Penumbra tags.

But, I’m assuming more than one fan of color came into Rab’s inbox and messaged her about it, but someone I know (who would like to remain anonymous) was gracious enough to take a screenshot before he sent his in and let me use it for this post:

[ID: A message to jitterbug-juno about to be sent by a sender whose name is censored with a black bar. His messages says:

“as someone who is a person of color i think the nature of the fic you are writing right now is extremely racist and attributing animal characteristics to lgbt people of color is not at all appropriate, especially when you are someone who is white. i have to ask you to not publish this fic and to reflect as to why you would want to write this in the first place, these tropes are extremely harmful and”

There are 33 characters left to write into the message. /end]

I can’t speak for whoever else sent asks about the fic she was writing. If anyone was actually not-so-gentle with her, well, minorities don’t really owe it to you to be gentle about what they can tell is bigotry-tinged behavior.

But, the message was clear: this is different from your garden variety, lily white straight male character m/m kink fantasy. This is an actual queer Asian character that a lot of queer Asian people feel attached do. Do not post the fic.

What happened next: the beginning of the end

The next morning, I woke up to most of my friends being frustrated by this post on Rab’s account:

[ID: Dated 5 June, a post by jitterbug-juno:

“Gonna leave the fandom for a while. Wishing you all well.”

The tags say the following: not sure if i’ll be back, thank you so much to everybody who’s read my fics, and who’s sent asks or engaged with my art or any of that, you’re amazing and I’m sending love /end]

That... was not what fans of color wanted, but it was definitely an action they took. Some celebrated, as they were very much wary of Rab for having caused much of the same category of drama in fandoms like Voltron: Legendary Defenders and Warrior Cats. This also meant that she was probably not going to post the fic either.

Some, myself included, were relatively pissed, as they’d wanted even just the measly bit of accountability. An apology or an acknowledgement of having been called out in private and that they’ll take time to consider why. But instead we got Rab leaving in the face of fans of color telling her not to post her Omegaverse fic.

Well. The next day...

[ID: Dated 6 June. A post by jitterbug-juno titled, “Well... that was short-lived”

“I gave the situation a lot of thought yesterday. The reaction to my omegaverse previews made me figure I should leave the fandom. It seemed like the safest option.

But you know what?

Hell.

I don’t want to leave. The fic discusses the tropes of omegaverse and I spoke to several POC on Twitter, and I’m going to post it with plenty of tags so people can avoid it if they wish. I’m not going to be chased out of this space.

Thank you to everyone who sent messages yesterday. I shouldn’t have made that post about leaving. It was really reactionary. I’m okay and I appreciate your support so much.

(bolded on the post) To those who are angry and uncomfortable with me: Please block me. If you’re going to talk about this fic on Tumblr and Twitter– and this may sound odd– PLEASE NAME ME as Jitterbug-juno or Pholo. Don’t vague me. That way people who don’t want to see this discourse can add my name to their block lists.“ /end]

That certainly was short-lived, she wasn’t kidding.

This got a lot of outrage. Again, the fic is up on Ao3 and she has not taken it down. A lot of POC were pissed and I didn’t see a single fan of color actively support what she was doing, at least, not in my friend group. Everyone started making those posts to block them if you liked the fic or Rab’s content in general, in accordance to what Rab wanted.

Perseus (@mraudiodrama) noticed/pointed out that Rab deleted the part where she said she spoke to several POC about releasing her fic, as well as the part where she said she refused to be chased out of the fandom. This was an incredibly pointed detail to edit out, according to some.

[ID: A screenshot of jitterbug-juno's last post taken 11:00PM. Much of it is the same except the following bolded words are removed: "The fic discusses the tropes of omegaverse and I spoke to several POC on Twitter, and I’m going to post it with plenty of tags so people can avoid it if they wish. I’m not going to be chased out of this space." /end]

That same day, Rab deleted her blog. I actually caught this one on tape, believe it or not.

[ID: A screen recording taken at 12:01 PM of someone scrolling down jitterbug-juno's account. The posts and asks about Omegaverse and her post about leaving and coming back are conspicuously absent. /end]

Initially, I thought she deleted all mentions of it. I wanted to see firsthand if the rumors about her deleting portions of it were true. If she added things where she was saying that she wanted to write it because she was autistic and wanted Nureyev to be autistic too, regardless of the numerous QPOC telling her not to do it.

Instead, it turned out, she deleted her blog.

And now, we're here. The fic is still up. Her blog is down. Rab's public Twitter account @nataclinn is quiet about this. Her @cushfuddled Twitter account is on private after her run-in with the Warrior Cats fandom, according to a friend. And her Tumblr @cushfuddled account has nothing but memes.

Again, I didn't make this post to stir up drama. I wasn't even obsessively making this post as a call-out because she isn't in the fandom anymore. I just want it out there that this isn't a purity culture thing that got out of hand in a fandom as niche as Penumbra. This was a case of someone being called out and failing to acknowledge it before running away. And I want all that out of the way before I say:

If you are on Rab's side of this debacle, I, a queer person of color, want nothing to do with you either.

#the penumbra fandom #jitterbug-juno #pholo #racism #white drama #im not tagging this as fandom drama or fandom wank because that erases the fact #that this was legitimate criticism of a white person #the penumbra podcast #junoverse #i put it in a readmore so its not gonna clog up much #but if anyone doesnt want me to tag this w the fandom tags i'll remove it #once again though this is the furthest thing from anti/proship discourse

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gedankenspaziergang · 4 years ago

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Diversmagazin Interview Translation

Diversmagazin released an interview with director Sarah Blaßkiewitz and Head-Writer Jasmina Wesolowski today. Read it here in German.

Jasmina (she/her), DRUCK writer since season four and head writer since season six together with Jonas Lindt. In a writers Room with Paulina Lorenz and Raquel Kishori Dukpa (Jünglinge)

Sarah (she/her) director of the last four episodes from season six

I’m leaving out the general introductory questions.

Alicia: Can you talk about the writing process? And what’s the most important thing for you while writing and telling stories?

Jasmina: We especially wanted the profound exchange with young adults who represent our protagonists. For season six we had the challenge that we wanted to tell the lovestory of a Gambian-German girl and a Vietnamese-German girl, perspectives that aren’t represented in the writer’s room. That’s why we talked a lot to research partners, to make up for our lack of knowledge/ experience, but we also talked to the actors and actresses.

Alicia: Why do different directors work on DRUCK?

Sarah: We try to produce as much in real-time as possible. And of course, we have to pre-produce but still have to work [overlappingly]. While one director is already in the editing phase, the next one already starts to shoot. Another reason is of course, that this way, also in the writer’s room, there’s more space for diversity.

Alicia: It’s similar to the writer’s room. You’re also dividing the writing of scenes between different people. … Are you working together with racism and LGBTQIA+ experts?

Jasmina: I think we all have blind spots and that it’s absolutely impossible to end up with a perfect result. It was an important first step, that the Jünglinge collective joined. They are big advocates for queer BIPoc representation in German media. They were always present for feedback loops and made all of us, crew, actors and actresses, participate in an anti-racism workshop. We were lucky to have the brilliant author and anti-racism trainer Arpana Berndt, who advised us on these topics. On top of that, we did a lot of research on different topics. I think now it should be the only way to produce movies and shows this way, with an intensive research phase. This way you don’t appropriate the stories of others and also don’t tell inauthentic stories or, in the worst case, use hurtful clichés/stereotypes. It was helpful and needed that Black perspectives were present also behind the camera – Sara as a director, but also in the social media team, make-up department or costume design. But we are also aware that more can be done.

Sarah: It’s important to me to highlight the make-up and costume design department. When I, an afro-German person, joined this project and met other afro-German women in those departments, who can relate to me, the character of Fatou and Ava, I was really glad. I can say from many years of experience that that’s not a given.

Alicia: How about experts on LGBTQIA+ issues?

Jasmina: To talk a bit about the process: We were set on Fatou being a lesbian pretty early on, and that was already discussed in the earlier writer’s room, where that perspective wasn’t present yet. In the beginning, those were loose ideas, and we had to implement them with the casting. The casting team Raquel Kishori Dupka, Melek Yaparak and Angelika Buschina worked closely with the directors and contacted different institutions and specifically asked for actors and actresses who could be queer. At this age this is of course a super sensitive topic. You don’t want to force young people to [define themselves/come out]. It’s a huge challenge to handle that with care and it was extremely important that the Jünglinge collective was part of the casting process.

But also, apart from the casting process, we profited a lot from the queer people in the writer’s room in the cast.

Sarah: For my part I asked the authors and queer people “What would you like? What is nice? What hurts? What’s important? Or what have I never seen before?” And then I put those different experiences into the different scenes. On top you of course need common sense (?) to portray something that you haven’t experienced yourself.

Jasmin: I just thought of a small really beautiful example: How Fatou was given these rainbow socks as a Christmas present. You immediately notice, that was the idea of a queer person who knows what non-queer parents give to their kids as gifts. The fans notice: Queer people were in the writer’s room. Or “Ah, these actresses know, what they’re doing.“ And those are the small things that make a difference.

Alicia: For sure! In DRUCK you notice that queer people were part of this in really subtle ways, and that [resulted] in really nice fan-moments. I can confirm that.

Right now, the community is discussing the conflict between Mailin and Ava a lot. What role does that conflict play for you and what does it teach us?

Sarah: I’m editing the last episodes right now, so I really feel it, also because you already see the reactions online.

For me, the conflict is important because it shows over a long period of time, that not everything is always only good or only bad. That it takes a lot of time, patience and confrontation to understand all nuances of that kind of conflict.

That Ava could be prevented to outright say what’s bothering her, because we’re talking about a really serious trauma of exclusion. How do you even tell people really personal stuff when you were bullied for years? And now we have that conflict, that seemingly takes forever, and you’re always asking yourself: “Why aren’t they talking to each other?” But it’s only in real time that you realize how hurtful this conflict is. How hurtful it is what they experience. What racism means, and also what it means to [deal] with that topic as a white German girl. And I think it’s really important that everyone is going through that with this season. That takes time and sometimes hurts. And you don’t always understand Ava and you don’t always understand Mailin. When we really [dedicate ourselves to understand this conflict] then I think, we can experience what for example a person like me experienced their whole adolescence. I’m not saying I was bullied my whole adolescence, and maybe it wasn’t because of the color of my skin, but because of something else. But that went on for half a year. After being bullied in school for half a year you’re not up for school and your classmates anymore. And you don’t talk to them anymore. And if people realize that because of this season then I’m glad. I think it’s really touching that this conflict takes up so much space.

Jasmina: I found it really interesting what you said about the nuances, because it was a real process for me to learn how many facets this conflict has. And especially that us white people, who grow up in a society with structural racism, have a particular idea about what racism means. And that’s not a detailed and uncritical perspective of that topic: As soon as you call me racist, I feel attacked and start defending myself.

The role that this conflict played for us was to show how incredibly exhausting it is as a Person of Color, to always have to deal with these problems and that there’s a kind of fatigue, that you don’t want to talk (or should want to talk) about certain topics anymore, especially if you have other things going on in your life on top of it.

On the other hand, we have Mailin, who has a strong desire to understand. She’s not aware of her privileges as a white girl. We want to take this journey together, when she starts to realize things and when she goes through different stages; until she understands, what it is really about. We also have an arc there that isn’t finished. Because in real life, you have to deal with some topics over and over again. We think it’s especially important to show that it’s not the job of Black people to explain racism to their white friends. By now, they have all the resources to educate themselves and to talk with other white people about this topic, to unburden Black people.

Alicia: That’s really interesting! The lovestory of Kieu My and Fatou is an important part of season six, which many queer young adults love. How is the relationship between Fatou and Kieu My representative for a generation?

Sarah: I can actually also see it in an older generation. When I send the cuddle clip of Kieu My and Fatou to my grandpa, he says “Wow, how amazing that a Viet-German and a Afro-German girl are lying in bed together, talk in German and are in a relationship.” This generation hopefully isn’t alone anymore, for example in the sense of: being the only Afro-German person in a small city. That changed and now we see it in that second and third generation. And that’s why it shows me something very real and beautiful.

Alicia: Which scene are you really proud of and why?

Sarah: My favorite scene, and one I’m really proud of and that was really important concerning the pressure of school, was with the main character Fatou. It’s about a path of finding yourself from Fatou and a [Reinigungsmoment] with her brother. Two people, who know each other from the moment of their birth, are sitting together. When I read that scene I thought yes, I can relate, I can feel that, and when we shot that, a world opened for me. And that was partly because of the music, which was decided before we shot this scene. Then we shot it and it was fucking cold, but we shot it again and again but every time we really felt it like the first time. And when I now watch that scene while editing, it really is the perfect moment. Every facial expression is perfect, every reaction. And that’s that kind of truthful (?) moment you’re looking for as an actor, actress, director or author. When everything fits.

(There’s a script for every social media part, What’s App Chats and ideas for social media stories. )

Alicia: When can we expect the next season and what will it be about?

Jasmina: For now, DRUCK is finished and we have to wait how it will continue. Fingers are crossed and of course we’re hoping for a new season.

[Note by me: We‘re not gonna spiral, Jünglinge looked for more writers, Black writers, on facebook a while ago. Nothing is safe but they probably don’t want to make any promises]

#druck #I hope it's understandabl vghghv #It was really cool to hear their thoughts on the mailin ava conflict and bullying storyline

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itsclydebitches · 3 years ago

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I just want to enlighten the correct anon: bulk-buying cards was ALWAYS an issue. Before it was the rich kids, now it's rich internet stars (with internet making it into An Issue TM). That hasn't really changed, cause people are shitty when it comes to limited collectibles that can only by completed by select few. It's not a fair comparison. [Also, this argument kinda reeks of 'if you're adult you can't enjoy kids stuff, cause you're takin it from the actual kids'. Which is a bad take.]

I really don't know anything about the trading card scene, but yeah, as said, I think there are a couple different conversations going on in those asks. Discussing adults getting into cartoons is not the same as discussing adults invested in reboots of their childhood cartoons is not the same as someone buying up cards rather than collecting them "correctly," etc. The topic of adults interacting with kid's media is a hugely complicated one, as my own example of Cruella exemplifies. Is that even kid's media anymore? Where are we drawing this line? Who knows.

As for the question of adults enjoying kids stuff in general, I honestly don't think that's the angle the previous anon was intending to take. Their own interest in these franchises speaks to that. More importantly, I do understand the general phenomenon they're describing. Easiest (and perhaps most extreme) example I can give is that of the brony fandom. The issue there is not, and never has been, grown men getting invested in a children's show about ponies. The issue is not adults like the kid thing. If anything, the start of that movement had some really fantastic undertones: look at these grown men rejecting assumptions about masculinity and wholeheartedly embracing something society tells them it's embarrassing to like! So, on a surface level, that's great. I wholeheartedly support it. But it's just that: the surface level. Dig deeper and you find all the troublesome ways in which this interest has been expressed, from sexualizing the characters to outright Nazi propaganda. The conversation then is not, "Men can't enjoy My Little Pony" but rather, "At what point is My Little Pony, the fandom, largely inaccessible to the people it was created for: kids?" Now, a conversation like that is wrapped up in the issue of fandom itself and whether kids should even be in online spaces that are, well, sexualizing everything. But it's still a question to tackle. What do we do when kids can't google their favorite character without encountering porn? Can't attend a con without adults yelling at them over certain preferences? When adults become furious that such-and-such dark/gritty/romantic/nuanced thing didn't happen in this cartoon and other people have to remind them, "Hey... this is written for ten-year olds."

Those questions do exist and they are important but, as said, I think they're largely outliers. Adults get invested in kid's media the same way kids get invested in adult media and 99% of the time that's totally fine. If an adult tweets out, on the adult website Twitter, to their adult audience, how upset they are that the latest cash-grab (or copyright renewal) messed with a beloved franchise... that's not hurting the six-year old who is still going to happily see the next movie with their parents, ignorant of the drama. These are really questions about online spaces. Questions of accessibility. Even questions about how we respond to that ignorance in children: they don't know that a lot of the old Disney films are horrifically racist, so what are we, the adults, going to do about that? One answer might be ensuring that racist content doesn't worm its way into future works and that requires, well, being invested in that work. Or at least what it represents. For every "It's just a kid's story" I've seen in response to someone actually getting unreasonably upset over a story not written to their adult standards, I've seen triple that in response to someone getting upset that the kid's story they either enjoy themselves, or know their younger loved ones enjoy, is imparting some really messed up messages. Sometimes investment isn't just "I like the story" but is something along the lines of, "I like that this cartoon has queer rep in it and I'm determined that the insane struggle the writers had to go through to secure it doesn't continue into future shows." Adults write these cartoons. Adults invent them! How can we not be invested?

So there are a lot of moving parts here and, yeah, sometimes it's just a 40yo throwing a temper tantrum that the show aimed at 5yos didn't meet their specifically adult standards. But usually there's more than that going on and the response, "It's a kid's show. You shouldn't care" is never the right answer. We have kids of our own, we care about society, we grew up on that story, we study these works, we want to write them ourselves someday, we just like the cartoon... there are a hundred reasons why an adult might be invested in something aimed at kids.

#mymetas

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2ndblogg · 4 years ago

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Hey! Just read your hot take on novel!wangxian and I absolutely agree. I'm gonna have to say here that I believe it boils down to the fetishization of homosexual men in a lot of the fandom culture that surrounds mlm shipping, as you said it's a space for a lot of women to experiment with their desires and whatnot, but I think therein lies the breaking points between reading novel!wangxian as a good, healthy relationship vs. reading it as a very flawed and toxic one. As an LGBT person, reading the way the author dealt with their relationship made me extremely uncomfortable, it just really feels like something that is written by someone who is more invested in using her queer characters for satisfying her and her reader's own pleasure than a well-built, strong relationship between two characters. Not to take away from the novel in some other aspects, I believe that novel!wwx is a much better, much more nuanced character than what he is in cql, but when it comes to wangxian, I think the intentions are very different for each of them. To each their own, I guess, but I do find it very troubling that some people in the fandom have a really hard time admitting that novel wangxian is not even remotely healthy.

Absolutely.

And can I just say how glad it makes me to see that not everyone is praising this book for it’s lgbt representation...

But I guess that’s also why I just occasionally feel the need to scream my frustrations into the void or try to make sense of the novel.

And why I try to be understanding and accepting of people’s opinion of the novel and not take it ‘personally’ (in the sense of sitting there thinking “holy shit this is how they view ME, this is what they think of ME” etc).

I was in fandoms back when they were really a place dominated by straight (homophobic) women and realism or lgbt representation wasn’t on anyone’s mind (and the occasional dude butting in to say that’s not how sex works or bottoming is experienced was ignored or told to get out). I experienced this change to fandoms being more of a lgbt space, of people becoming aware that media can shape your views of groups of people, of people becoming aware of their fetishizing of fictional gays vs. their prejudice against real life lgbt people etc.

And tbh MXTX just writes like one of those, she writes wangxian like everyone wrote their gay relationships around 2005 and earlier; clear power imbalance, clear roles and attributes that are divided into ‘manly’ and ‘feminine’, certain physical attributes (like the female self insert character aka the bottom being pretty and slight and weaker and shorter), men/the penetrating partner can’t really be raped so anything the woman/bottom tries isn’t really ‘bad’, the male love interest is forceful and self centered but ONLY because he’s so in love and since he’s emotionally stunted he has to express that through sex, men/tops NEED sex and it’s rude/mean to deny them that, the girl/bottom isn’t THAT horny or in charge of their own sexuality but wants to please their partner and what they really get out of it is the emotional aspect, decisions need to be made for them because the dude/top just knows better, the girl/bottom is childish and flirty and the guy/top suffers through it until he finally snaps and shows the girl/bottom who'sboss etc etc. (honestly homophobia and misogyny is so tightly knit in this kind of fiction, if it wasn’t so frustrating it would be very interesting).

Tbh I disagree with novel!wwx being more nuanced (despite a lot of ppl whose opinions I really respect also feeling this way), because I simply cannot seperate him from the wangxian relationship. All I see are tropes and stereotypes applied to make him ‘work’ in the context of the wangxian relationship instead of an actual personality...

To me, in CQL WWX is clearly the main character and you love his interactions with LWJ and want more of them and value them, wheras in the novel most of the time WWX plays second fiddle even when a scene should technically be about him and LWJ’s presence is incredibly suffocating, because he’s always being controlling or at the very least influencing WWX.

I also don’t feel like WWX has much of a character arc/growth. We’re essentially told he had one but the only thing that really actually changes is him hating himself a bit more and letting LWJ smash..., and I guess: he’s less independent than ever, he’s more isolated that ever...

I’ve called novel!wangxian a relationship between an abuser and his victim, because you can find evidence of that in the text. Not because I think the author wanted to portray an unhealthy gay relationship. Like you said, she was fetishizing and wrote for a similar crowd. But to me that ‘realization’ helped...I still don’t see how people can call it a masterpiece but I can at least understand hyping something you like up...

And like, badly written gay relationship or not; gay/straight,man/women, I see how people can find it hot. Exploring your sexuality through fictional characters isn’t necessarily a strictly straight girl phenomena. I probably have read fic that was exactly like this, I can’t judge anyone for it. But no one prints out the last PWP they read and goes, “this is ideal lgbt representation and nothing will ever be this good, the fact that it includes rape makes it so realistic” like????

(Is that part or an effect of the woke and purety culture? you can’t say ‘i like this book but it has flaws’ or ‘i’ve enjoyed this but it’s not up the feminism or lgbt acceptance that i preach/live’ so you have to pretend it’s flawless?)

And like, I do think novel!wangxian is a nightmare when it comes to lgbt representation and I do believe this is largely due to a cishet woman writing about gay men and fetishizing them (the fact that a lot of peoples arguments why novel!wangxian ‘is better’ boils down to ‘there’s kissing and sex’ is also pretty telling). And I am frightend and worried by some peoples response to it.

But is it really fair to see it as just that? It’s a problem sure, but that same thing happens in straight media (which I am admittedly not well versed in). Stephanie Meyer didn’t set out to write Edward Cullen to be a creep and non of the teenage girls that went crazy over him viewed it as such...Reylo fans (aside from some of them proclaiming Finn to be the real villain and saying it’s racist and misogynistic to not find Kylo Ren hot) found a way to view him threatening her as romantic and sexy, Loki fans that didn’t ship him with Thor usually fell into the camp of “he would be a perfect boyfriend” or “what if this OFC was his slave and he raped her everyday <3″... like ignoring/glorifying/romanticizing behaviours or exploring what kinks you might have through the safety of fictional characters and fictional settings isn’t JUST happening when it comes to ‘the gays’...

And not just specifically in fandom spaces either, a lot of ‘romantic’ movies include inappropriate touching, the boy/guy knowing better than the girl what she wants etc. And I absolutely do believe that that’s something that normalized these things for a lot of young girls and guys (I don’t want to get into this too much, I’ve really seen a change in the past few years, but before that it was pretty common for young boys to believe they need to keep pursuing and pressuring a girl that has said no, girls truly thought boys could die of blue balls, girls thought it was their duty as good girlfriends to let their boyfriends fuck them even when they weren’t in the mood, that they couldn’t talk about what they want in bed or what they don’t find enjoyable because ‘sex is for boys and girls get a relationship in exchange’ etc.).

And in much the same way movies have only relatively recently begun being called out for that, it’s also still pretty recently that they’re being called out for having their one queer coded character be a pedophile and a murder or whatever...Like, society as a whole becoming aware of these issues.

But do authors that publish their work with a specific target audience in mind have a responsibility to think about the effect it might have on them? (And I can already hear loud screams of ‘no way, it’s not your fault if your audience isn’t smart enough to understand that this bad thing is bad’, but I actually do believe in a way they do. That doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t write whatever you want, just maybe take a look at HOW you bring your point across. (We do KNOW people are influenced by what propaganda they’re consistantly fed. I mean, you wouldn’t write a pro-drugs childrens book...) )

What if the author isn’t aware of their bias and prejudices? Or their target audience isn’t their actual audience?

And do we, society and media, judge female and male authors differently when it comes to romance and sex in fiction? (The answer is yes btw) But also, where do we draw the line at calling something ‘badly written’ and calling it toxic? Can it be both? As I’ve said before, a lot of people claim that only the physical intimacy scenes of novel!wangxian are bad, because they’re badly written and OOC, some say the book as amazingly written and only the wangxian relationship is bad because the author doesn’t know how to write gay men. In my ‘hot take’ I essentially said that’s not necessarily bad writing so much as it’s simply an (okay, unintentional) toxic relationship. And would this relationship still come across as toxic (or badly written, whichever you want) if we didn’t know the author to be a cishet woman? Or if a gay man had written it? (my personal, eloquent answer for this is: yes, but differently.)

Which was really all just a rambly way to get to my point of: it’s not just fetishizing of gay men, it’s also the homophobia and self-inserting in a safe situation.

You can literally replace WWX in the novel with a female character and it wouldn’t change a thing. The author takes such an effort into building up this power imbalance in every aspect of their life that if WWX were a heroine nothing would change in this (sexist/ancient society) setting.

(And clearly this is something that appeals to people if you look at the amount of female!WWX fics...)

Not even the sex scenes. There are maybe two allusions in all of them combined that WWX might also have a dick but like, you can’t be sure and it sure as hell doesn’t need stimulation.

(and again, that could be written as a kink...but it’s just not.)

CQL is a gay love story. MDZS at it’s core is none of that.

But I also very much agree with your ‘to each their own’, like here I am criticizing and trying to find explanations and whatever, but at the end of the day it doesn’t matter why someone might like (or write) a book like this, I vastly prefer CQL!wangxian but people have their own reasons for not doing so.

The ‘problem’ really only lies in, as you said, people not being able to accept that it’s not a healthy relationship. Or claiming it to be perfect lgbt rep.

And because my brain can’t shut up today:

I also can’t stop thinking that the way some people ‘glorify’ the book as due to their age and ‘inexperience’.

When I was a pretty young kid and got into fanfiction, there was nothing but completely OOC!whump to be found in the first two fandoms I was in. And I loved it. It was YEARS later that I thought I might like to read something with the characters being...in character. What I’m trying to say, in different stages and phases of your life you might enjoy different things, for different reasons...and obviously, in that moment, you won’t think about ‘what appeals to me here/should this appeal to me/etc’.

I don’t mean inexperience as ‘sexual inexperience’ here, though of course that could be part of it, but also like, inexperience with this genre (is this the first book like this you read, or did you just read 50 in a row that all had the same unhealthy vibes?), with lgbt people and issues (do you know any lgbt people or is your only image of them either the cute boy you can’t have and don’t want to see with another girl or grown men in full kink gear in front of children during CSD? and also: do you think ‘i like this’ and that’s the end of it or do you notice how many people idolize this objectively unhealthy relationship and won’t allow critique on it...)

I...just wanted to say thanks really.

I just can’t stop rambling apparently and I know I mostly just repeated what you said or what I already said but in longer... I just really do feel very strongly about novel!wangxian and the perception of them and have actually at times felt very personally...worried/affected, by people’s acceptance and love of them and I just... have to try and make sense of it...

#i'll be honest rambling like this is very therapeutic and I'm glad some of you read the last one and send asks and agreed #and it's why i'll (try to) put this in the tags too...i like discussions but seeing ppl NOT going 'it's true love/perfect rep' love that #mdzs #mdzs meta #mxtx critical #i guess

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veridium · 4 years ago

Text

fuck it, queer meta.

About a year ago I wrote one of my first and largest meta posts about why I consider Cassandra a prime example of queerbaiting despite her being a character who explicitly says she is heterosexual. This lead to quite the day of inbox hate mail from people throughout the fandom. Most were upset I used the “q slur” and left it untagged as such in the big DA meta tags. I can imagine for those folks, the substance of what I had to say mattered little as a result.

I deleted most of those messages and my responses soon afterward. They upset me greatly even as I took it all in stride. However, given that it’s been about 365 days since that fiasco, and some interesting events have happened with regards to current and former DA writers, I thought it would be “fun” to write a recap and reflection on why, generally, I still feel the way I did when I wrote that post. With some changes and growth, of course.

The gist of it is, as we have come to learn in past, recent, and ongoing discourses in fandom, that much to the chagrin of a lot of folks in this fandom: BioWare, and in this instance DA writers, are not your SJW Icons. Furthermore, they never should have been, or should be, considered as such.

The gist (part two) for me, is: for as much as diverse characters, worlds, and societies are being uplifted by Games these days, the counterbalance of bullshit is still there. And I think it survives most sturdily in the kind of logic the BioWare writing culture throughout the years. This sense of egalitarian, “of course” logic, that appears to make socially deviant identities normalized but really just falsely positions those identities as meant to be in lock-step with the norm. Representation to gaming, and most of media writ large, all-too-easily falls into the trap of “we want what the privileged have,” which it to say, we want our existence to be a no-brainer, even if it means we lost the essence of why our stories are so profound, important, and necessary to do justice.

I really can’t imagine accepting the way characters like Cassandra were written because I don’t accept the writer(s) who wrote her. Why?

Come with me, and we’ll be, in a world, of pure fuckery...but with citations...because I’m an Academic and that’s my roll.*

*Please see tags for pertinent content warnings before clicking.**

**if you reblog and tag this shit with “q slur,” I will take all the reserves of understanding I have as a DA fic writer for all of the enraged womxn in the series and express it accordingly. And, as a femslash-oriented author, I can promise you: that expression will be consumptive.

Hm, I wonder, what with the predominant writer for her character inquires on Twitter for “lesbian fanfic porn” recommendations for writing “research,” but seems to be unable to hire appropriate creatives to write, consult, etc. for the project.

Or that the writers room made, and continues to make, space for a writer who continually does Black and queer characters dirty with his mediocre-at-best work, in both game and novel form (because, plot twist, he’s a shit writer) (1) (2) (3).

Or that the writer’s room, and specifically Ga*der, attesting that the development of the Qunari was based on Arab cultures around the time of “Medieval Europe,” which is somehow his way of getting out of the thematic botching of the Qunari language, social structure, etc. from Islamic tradition.

Or, the writers who intentionally shaped the story so that Vivienne, one of the limited number of Black women characters in the entire series to have a role as an ally, to be a red herring of an distrustful and conceited antagonist, to the point where her treatment by fandom has been incredibly racist, heinous, and lazy for years.

These are a few of MANY reasons, with thorough exposition, why the veneer of “progressive inclusion” studios like BioWare claim to be authentic. Having “diverse” writers in the room -- and I’m using that word incredibly tenuously here -- didn’t change the result of any of these harmful scenarios. In fact, it created them. This, combined with the tale as old as time: toxic fandom culture with white, anglo-centric, cisheterosexual masculinist ideals at the fore, have gotten us here.

So, do I hold all of the reasons why I am angry about Cassandra’s character writing the same way now, as I did then? No. Certainly not. In fact, there are parts where I would correct myself. On the other hand, the thesis for me remains largely preserved: I revile G*ider, I revile that he gets the accolades he does by fandom for his “diversity” of characters when he exploits, erases, and uses slippery morality to get out of admitting he has shortcomings in his work. I hate that the exaltation for representation still funnels itself onto the heads of white writers and predominantly white-staffed studios.

And, underneath it all, I am mad that some of ya’ll see no problem with that. Because what does it matter, if you do not come from communities, cultures, and coalitions that get the brunt of this misrepresentation? What does it matter if it angers a lesbian fan that the writers who have a long history of misusing and conveniently copping themselves out when they write women and queer characters, seem to use that “expertise” as permission to do what they are supposedly combating?

G*ider, the hero himself, is on written record saying that it should not be second guessed as to why Cassandra is straight, just as he thinks it should not be second guessed that Dorian is gay. Yet, when he asked on Twitter if there was some moral significance to people modding character’s sexuality (in this specific instance, Dorian, actually), G*ider said that in the end, people’s mods “do not change” what he wrote, and that unless they claim their changes “supercede” canon, there’s no harm done.

So, really, I’m just over here like -- is this ya’lls hero?

Why in the fuck would someone be modding a gay character to be bisexual or heterosexual, if they didn’t somehow believe that version “supercedes” the canon rendition? Secondly, where is the attention to the fact that, in an ensemble of multiple romanceable characters, Dorian has to be the one that has to be sexually and romantically accessible to those outside of his canonical realm of attraction?

I mean, for fuck’s sake, it’s the whole virtue grounding his companion side quest, the fact that he is estranged from his Father who tried to magically change his orientation! This is a crucial part of Dorian’s entire journey to serving the Inquisition, and serving Tevinter as a dissident.

But, you know, it doesn’t change what G*ider wrote. And he’s correct, it doesn’t change what he wrote, which he got credit, money, and esteem for. It doesn’t change that if you load up the base game, Dorian’s gay. In G*ider’s head, that is the protective force: the parts where he has ties, and not the culture of the fandom, the culture the fans who helped fill his pockets from that game have to dwell within. This isn’t revolutionary, this isn’t good-faith representation. This is getting a piece of the rotten-sweet pie and saying “let bygones be bygones, you toxic, funky heteronormative assholes!”

But, where are my manners. I’m getting heated, aren’t I?

Basically, if you condemn queer fans for calling out queer bating -- or any marginalized fan for throwing up the alarm for bullshit -- and your first reaction is to side with folks like G*ider who got theirs and said screw everything else, fuck off. Literally, fuck off. I call Cassandra’s circumstance queerbaiting because she’s one example of writers getting their cake and eating it, too. If they are so aware of just how much of their fanbase is marginalized folks, they don’t get to say they don’t have fingerprints on things like queerbaiting. You don’t get to be acclaimed and excused for the shit you say you are combating, which is the source of that acclaim. And if your claim is happy ignorance, then you definitely don’t get to blithely equivocate when fans do ask you why the story happened the way it did.

I also just want to keep in mind here that there’s a deductive conclusion to be had about this, given how La*idlaw explicitly stated they endeavored to make Cassandra extremely hot, “really enticing.” That conclusion is:

(1) Either they aren’t/weren’t nearly as attuned to their queer audiences as they generally claim to be, or

(2) They were, and had no intention of developing compassion or empathy passed G*ider talking out of his ass about why Cassandra was developed as straight. Which, ultimately, does coincide with conclusion (1) more than not.

No matter what, the contour to the conclusion is: wow, a taste of nauseating objectification, in the BioWare writer’s room. Who knew!

It’s no wild accusation to make to a writer like him and his colleagues, that they don’t know how to handle sapphic, wlw, and/or queer-related storylines, especially with women. Especially when the answer seems to be, “well, it was decided before I took the lead, and in any case, why question it! You wouldn’t question a gay character’s orientation!”

But that’s just it, you complete and utter turnip. People did question Dorian’s sexuality. People do question Dorian’s sexuality. That fantasy world of equal bearings is as insincere as it is out-of-touch. And why not, when, as you said,

it doesn’t change what you got paid for.

The ethos seems to be crudely reflexive: people’s phobic interpretations and alterations of the canon do not matter, but then again, why would you even question why a character is straight? Why would you question my narrative vision, in all of its beautiful shittery?

It’s all a game of dodge, ya’ll. Dodge, dodge, dodge. With a strong and acidic dose of vanity.

So. In summation, folks: I could care less for your false equivalences. I could care less about my contribution of queer content fucking up your good time in the meta tags. Obviously you aren’t there to actually engage in creative, exploratory thought, so why bother reasoning. There is more to the possibilities of queerbaiting than stringing along a could-be, would-be, should-be queer storyline directly. There’s knowing your audience enough to exploit your good graces with them. There’s benefitting from a charade of liberal progressive clout. There’s the ability to foresee that queer people will cathect to a given character, and not only denying an experience they could have, but denying it so harshly that the character says they can’t love yours because you’re female.

And I am so, so, so sick of these people continually enriching themselves off of the “nobody’s perfect” grace. To me, that grace is the promise of good faith, and the intention to do right by people. When that isn’t there, the grace isn’t going somewhere where it’ll be appreciated, that it will be nourished by. I mean, fucking hell, people, this is rainbow capitalism: don’t you taste it?

That’s that, then. “Cassandra and Queerbaiting Rant,” one year on. An extra dose of salt, just for the haters.

#da meta #cassandra and queerbaiting rant #one year reflection?#yeah #so #queerbaiting #cassandra pentaghast #bioware critical #bioware bullshit #cw: lesbophobia #cw: homophobia #cw: queerphobia #cw: discussion of Dorian's experiences with his family

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explosionshark · 5 years ago

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Thanks for recommending Gideon the Ninth! It was so good! Do you have a book rec tag I could check out? :)

honestly i should, huh? i’ve read more books than probably ever before this year and i’ve talked about ‘em intermittently, but not with a consistent tag. i’ll recommend some right now, though, with a healthy dose of recency bias!

sf/f

the priory of the orange tree by samantha shannon - a truly epic fantasy novel with one of the most beautiful, satisfying f/f romances i’ve ever read. the novel takes account nearly everything i hate about fantasy as a genre (overwhelmingly straight, white, and male centric, bland medieval European settings, tired tropes) and subverts them. incredible world-building, diverse fantasy cultures, really cool arthrurian legend influence. one of my favorite books i’ve ever read tbh.

gideon the ninth by tamsyn muir - which you’ve read, obviously, but for posterity’s sake i’m keeping it here! sci-fi + murder mystery + gothic horror. genuinely funny while still having a super strong emotional core and more than enough gnarly necromantic to satisfy the horror nerd in me. makes use of some of my favorite tropes in fiction, namely the slowburn childhood enemies to reluctant allies to friends to ??? progression between gideon and harrow. absolutely frothing at the mouth for a sequel.

the broken earth trilogy by nk jemisin - really the first book that helped me realize i don’t hate fantasy, i just hate the mainstream ‘medieval europe but with magic’ version of fantasy that dominates the genre. EXTREMELY cool worldbuilding. i’ve definitely described it as like, a GOOD version of what the mage-vs-templar conflict in dragon age could have been, with a storyline particularly reminiscent of “what if someone got Anders right?”

this is how you lose the time war by amal el-mohtar and max gladstone - i’m not usually big on epistolary novels, but this one really worked for me. spy vs spy but it’s gay and takes place between time traveling agents of two opposing sides of a war. the letter writing format really plays to el-mohtar’s strengths as a poet, the unfolding love story is weird and beautiful. it’s a really quick read, too, if you’re short on time or attention.

empress of forever by max gladstone - i just finished this one this week! if you’re in the mood for a space opera, look no further. imagine if steve jobs was an asian lesbian and also like not a shitty person. this is where you start with vivian liao. you get the classic putting-the-band-together arc with beings from all across the universe, your romances and enemies-turned-friends and uneasy alliances all over the place. really satisfying character development and some extremely cool twists along the way. it’s just a fun good time.

the luminous dead by caitlin starling - this one rides the line of horror so it’s closest to that part of the list. it reminds me of the most inventive low budget horror/sci-fi films i’ve loved in the best way possible because it makes use of the barest narrative resources. it’s a book that takes place in one primary setting, featuring interactions between two characters that only meet each other face-to-face for the briefest period. the tension between the two characters is the most compelling part of the story, with competing and increasingly unreliable narratives and an eerie backdrop to ratchet things up even higher. the author described it as “queer trust kink” at one point which is, uh, super apt actually and totally my jam. the relationship at the center of the book is complicated to say the least, outright combative at points, but super compelling. plus there’s lost of gnarly sci-fi spelunking if you like stories about people wandering around in caves.

horror

the ballad of black tom by victor lavalle - we all agree that while lovecraft introduced/popularized some cool elements into horror and kind of defined what cosmic horror would come to mean, he was a racist sack of shit. which is why my favorite type of ‘lovecraftian horror’ is the type that openly challenges his abhorrent views. the ballad of black tom is a retelling of the horror at redhook that flips the narrative by centering the action around a black protagonist.

lovecraft country by matt ruff - more of what i just described. again, lovecraftian themes centered around black protagonists. this one’s especially cool because it’s a series of interconnected short stories following related characters. it’s getting a tv adaptation i believe, but the book is definitely not to be missed

rolling in the deep / into the drowning deep by mira grant - mermaids are real and they’re the ultimate deep sea predators! that’s really the whole premise. if for some reason that’s not enough for you, let me add this: diverse cast, a romance between a bi woman who’s not afraid to use the word and an autistic lesbian, really cool speculative science tangents about mermaid biology and myth.

the haunting of hill house by shirley jackson - it’s halloween month so i’m thinking about hill house again. one of the greatest american ghost stories ever written. especially worth the read if you follow it up w the 1964 film adaptation (the haunting) and then the 2018 netflix series.

the hunger by alma katsu - i’ve always been fascinated by the donner party even though we now know the popular narrative is largely falsehoods. still, this highly fictionalized version of events scratched an itch for me and ended up surprising me with its resistance from the most expected and toxic racist tropes associated with donner party myth.

wounds / north american lake monsters by nathan ballingrud - nathan ballingrud is my favorite horror writer of all time. one of my favorite writers period regardless of genre. in ballingrud’s work the horror is right in front of you. you can look directly at it, it’s right there. but what permeates it, what draws your attention instead, what makes it hurt is the brutally honest emotional core of everything surrounding the horror. the human tragedy that’s’ reflected by the more fantastic horror elements is the heart of his work. it’s always deeply, profoundly moving for me. both of these collections are technically short stories, but they’re in the horror section of the recs because delineations are totally arbitrary and made solely at my discretion.

short stories

her body and other parties by carmen maria machado - tbh i almost put this in w horror but there’s enough weird fiction here for me to be willing to straddle the line. it was really refreshing to read horror that centered queer women’s perspectives. the stories in this collection are really diverse and super powerful. there’s an incredible weird fiction piece that’s like prompt-based law and order svu micro fiction (go with me here) that ends up going to some incredible places. there’s the husband stitch, a story that devastated me in ways i’m still unraveling. the final story reminded me of a more contemporary haunting of hill house in the best way possible. machado is a writer i’m really excited about.

vampires in the lemon grove by karen russell - my friend zach recommended this to me when we were swapping book recs earlier this year and i went wild for it! mostly weird fiction, but i’m not really interested in getting hung up on genres. i don’t know what to say about this really other than i really loved it and it got me excited about reading in a way i haven’t been in a while.

the tenth of december by george saunders - i really like saunders’ work and i feel like the tenth of december is a great place to start reading him. quirky without being cloying, weird without being unrelatable.

misc

the seven husbands of evelyn hugo by taylor jenkins reid - there’s something really compelling to me about the glamour of old hollywood. this story is framed as a young journalist interviewing a famously reclusive former starlet at the end of her life. the story of how evelyn hugo goes from being the dirt-poor daughter of cuban immigrants to one of the biggest names in hollywood to an old woman facing the end of her life alone is by turns beautiful, inspiring, infuriating and desperately sad. by far the heart of the book is in evelyn finally coming out as bisexual, detailing her decades-long on/off relationship with celia st. james, another actress. evelyn’s life was turbulent, fraught with abuse and the kind of exploitation you can expect from the hollywood machine, but the story is compelling and engaging and i loved reading it.

smoke gets in your eyes by caitlin doughty - a memoir by caitlin doughty, the woman behind the popular ‘ask a mortician’ youtube series. it was a super insightful look into the american death industry and its many flaws as well as an interesting, often moving look at the human relationship with death through the eyes of someone touched by it early and deeply.

love and rockets by los bros hernandez (jaime and gilbert and mario) - this was a big alt comic in the 80s with some series within running on and off through the present. i’m not current, but this book was so important for me as a kid. in particular the locas series, which centered around two queer latina girls coming up in the punk scene in a fictional california town. the beginning starts of a little sci-fi-ish but over time becomes more concerned with slice-of-life personal dramas.

#book recs #long post #SORRY IF THIS IS MORE THAN YOU WANTED #obviouslyending #book tag

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romolite · 4 years ago

Text

*Important FAQ*

Aka questions that pertain to what I usually post about or stuff I don’t like getting asks about but continue to get asks about regardless.

[Insert any invasive question about my ethnicity/race]

I’m Ghanaian American. My parents were born in Ghana and I was born here in the US. I’ve seen it more on twitter and tumblr, but Black Africans don’t like me because I’m American, and black Americans don’t like me because I’m African. So I’m stuck in the middle lmao. I’m what you’d consider a First-Generation African, my parents are Continental Africans, and if I have children, they will be considered Generational African Americans.

First Generation African: A black person born in the US to parents who were born in Africa

Generational African American: A black person born in the US to US-born black parent(s)

Continental African: A black person born in Africa to parents who were also born in Africa

Non is just a prefix, black people don’t have a monopoly on the term! I suppose you think nonbinary people are racist huh?

Yeah sure it wasnt coined by black people but the context it’s currently used as was predominantly used by black people. ALL people who are not black benefit from and contribute to antiblackness, even if they are marginalized themselves. That kind of dynamic doesnt exist in other contexts (unless we’re talking about transfem + transmisogyny, but that’s something you’d have to talk to someone who is transfem about. Plus they have their own word for “non-transfem”). Using it in contexts outside of antiblackness is appropriative (Yall are annoying as fuck with the “non-aspec” “non-lesbian”(this term also has anti-bi roots btw) “non-bi” shit etc, stop it. You also can’t complain about the “replacement terms” lumping yall with oppressors when “non-x” does the exact same thing you’re so worried about. “Cis” puts cis gays with cis hets, cis disabled people with cis abled people, cis white people with cis poc, I could go on.)

Plus we’re talking about marginalized groups here. Black people are a marginalized group. Binary people as a whole are not so the term nonbinary isn’t appropriate at all. I dont take issue with terms like “nonamerican” or “nonwhite” because (obviously) whites + americans as a whole aren’t oppressed for being white or american.

Basically using "non-x” in contexts to talk about oppression bad, everything else good.

Follow up: If we can’t use non-[marginalized group], what can we use instead?

There are other words to describe the people you’re talking about

non-transfem- TME

non-LGBT- cishet, or people who aren’t LGBT

non-trans - cis

Black people don’t have a monopoly on the acronym nb! I’ll call myself nb if I want to!

At this point I dont really care, go on your antiblack crusade elsewhere and out of my inbox, I’m always gonna mean nonblack when I use the acronym nb.

And yes, you’re antiblack as fuck if you think black people telling you “nb” stands for “nonblack” is the same as exclusionists claiming “aspec” is for autistic people.

Is x AAVE?

I have a tag dedicated to what is and is not aave and how harmful it is for nonblacks to use aave given its history. I know some things overlap with southern culture but others are specifically for black people. A lot of “stan twitter” language/slang is just repackaged AAVE. No, I can’t tell you how to stop using AAVE. Don’t tell me you’re going to try to stop using AAVE, I don’t want to hear it.

Why don’t you like the n-word being compared to LGBT slurs?

Race and Sexuality/Gender aren’t comparable topics because each deals with a different history of oppression. I don’t care about slur discourse that much because I don’t even use/reclaim any myself except the n-word.

I have a problem with nonblack LGBT people co-opting black culture and struggle(like they always do), especially for trivial online discourse.

And to be honest it goes deeper than slur discourse. Every other day someone is weaponizing the oppression of black trans women, or comparing “cishet aces/aros” in the LGBT community to white/nonblack people invading black spaces (you know, something that ACTUALLY takes resources away from the people who need it, see the cultural appropriation of Black African and Blac American culture in literally any nonblack community while black people get demonized for said culture), or tokenizing their black friends to get away with something blatantly racist. And that’s not even getting into how a lot of gay slang/stan culture is just repurposed AAVE/black culture.

And I’m not gonna lie, I’ve seen this more with exclusionist accounts than inclus accounts, but it’s still not excusable for inclus to do that either. We get erased as black gay/trans/queer/aspec people up until it’s time for discourse accounts to bring us up to one-up each other

Can you give me advice on x?

Most likely not, because I’m not an expert or an advice blog. I’ll try, but don't take my word for it. I’m also tme, able-bodied, not Jewish, singlet, etc, so I’m not able to accurately answer questions about transmisogyny, (physical?) ableism, antisemitism, “sycourse”, etc.

I might be able to give advice on school-related stuff since I just graduated high school, but remember that students are not a monolith, and what worked for me may not work for someone else.

Can I follow if I’m nonblack/a minor/cishet?

Nonblack and/or cishet can follow but watch your step, minors blacklist the #minors dni tag before following

Why do you hate Ao3?

*long sigh*

I don't, I have a problem with the fact that it allows racist and (frankly voyeuristic) pedophilic/abusive/incestuous content to exist on its platform. It’s a good concept overall, but the devs are complicit in allowing “underage” and “noncon/dubcon” fics on their platform.

And there's the fact that they somehow need donations every year despite exceeding their goal several times over each year?

What’s wrong with Hazbin Hotel/The Ships/Vivziepop?

[WIP, as I have to go into extensive detail about this and I currently don’t have the energy for it]

TLDR: Viv made a half-assed apology for supporting racists (one of whom did blackface [yes the mask was used to do blackface shut up] to mock black activist) and drawing gross content. Her current projects including Hazbin Hotel are full of anti-gay/trans/aspec (Angel Dust, Vaggie, Alastor), antisemetic (Mimzy), and racist (Vaggie again, that yellow cyclops character that I’ve forgotten the name of) content under the guise of humor. If you’re into that shit, whatever, just don’t follow me and don’t whine when I make posts criticizing it.

What’s wrong with Hamilton?

Aside from the fact that it’s very obviously glorifying slave owners and made people worldwide believe the founding fathers were good people, LMM, the creator, is nonblack. This isn't his story to tell at all.

Can you tag x?

I have a list of things I usually tag because they come upon this blog a lot. I cannot do catch all tags, as I have way too many followers for that. The closest thing to that is the “ask to tag” tag when there’s something potentially triggering but I’m not sure what it is. Everything is tagged as “x tw”. If something is extremely triggering, I’ll tag it as “major tw”

Do you tag slurs?

I tag slurs I’m not able to reclaim at all (i.e., d slur, f slur, t slur) or slurs I can reclaim but are being used as a slurs. I don’t tag the n-word, as I reclaim that one. I always tag the r slur

Can I message you about something/someone?

Unless you’re a mutual, most likely no. My DMs are only open to mutuals.

Do you want to be mutuals?

I don’t usually follow back people who follow me, especially if you’re under 16 or post things I’m not interested in.

Why is it important to have byf or about?

1) So I know gross people aren’t following me. This is not up for discussion

2) So I know someone’s not speaking out of their lane, which tends to happen a lot. (i.e, someone refusing to disclose that they are tme when discussing transmisogyny, someone not having their race listed when discussing racism)

3) Some people don’t want to interact with people under 18 or over like 30 or something.

Yeah, yeah, people aren’t entitled to personal information and all that crap but I have a serious problem with people speaking on topics from a place of privilege. Not to say they can’t talk about those things, just perhaps add a disclaimer that you’re privileged when talking about these things and be open to criticism, and NOT blocking people of the said marginalized group when they tell you something you’ve said was problematic.

I also have a problem with people who are intentionally vague about their age. There’s a difference between interacting with someone who’s 20 and someone who’s 29. I don’t want to say it’s the opposite for minors but at the same time there’s a difference for saying something racist at 13 and doing so at 17, and keeping your age vague makes it harder to determine how to deal with something like that. (Not that 13-year-olds shouldn’t know better, it’s just I don’t feel whole ass callout posts and receipt blogs are necessary for someone of that age).

Also anyone under 16, I can't stop you from following, but keep your interaction limited, please. This isnt an 18+ blog but I do rb suggestive jokes from time to time

I sent you an ask and you never answered it!

It’s likely that

I never got it

You were blocked

I’ve already answered this or it’s been answered in my faq

It’s a random positivity ask (which I appreciate but not sure how to respond to those)

You were rude in your ask and I didn’t feel like answering

I forgot until it was too late, which happens when my inbox gets a lot of asks at a time.

You sent it to the wrong blog (I.e, sending asks about my ocs to this blog instead of @ochood )

Hey, the op is [insert post] is [someone on my dni]! I usually double-check myself, just to be sure.

Have you heard about [someone who is mutuals with someone I’m loosely connected with]?

Most likely, no. And unless they’re an immediate danger to someone or they’ve got my name in their mouth, I don’t care.

Do you know who [x person/group/thing] is?Most likely no. Not to sound like a hipster but I don't usually keep up to date with trends. If I do hear about something, it’s most likely from twitter or Instagram.

Why am I blocked? Check here.

Why do you continuously move mains/change URLs/update themes?

I’m inconsistent. And sometimes there are posts on my blog that I no longer stand by.

Can I tag you in posts I think I’d like?Of course!

#lite.txt #long post #faq

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nonbinarypoststhings · 4 years ago

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Hi, irrelevant, I know, but do you remember anything about the highschool period of your life? I swear this part is the most stressful part of all my life, first I figure out my sexuality, then I move away from all my friends, then my gender, and as if it's not enough, add to that school and standardised tests and all the typical drama of being a teen. Oh and also don't forget that you're somehow supposed to make choices that will affect the rest of your life.How does anyone even survive it?

I do remember my high school life, and as I have reconnected with one of my old classmates recently, I've even talked a bit about it with her.

(Warning for Homophobia, transphobia, Sexism, Racism. Only the homophobia is like explicit, but the others are mentioned. Feel free to tell me if there is more warnings I should have. Also, long post)

High school is a tough period of time for everyone. Everyone is struggling with who they are, and what they want in life.

And add in the layer of being Lgbtq+ it becomes more frustrating.

I have a hard time translating the school things from my country to others, but I believe I graduated what would be translated into high school only this year, but I will still talk about my old school which I graduated from three years ago.

My class back then was not the best place for anyone who is lgbtq+. Me and the classmate I mentioned earlier connected well back then, and still do now, but the rest of them..? Not so much (I will also exclude two more people from that rest, who also is my friends now).

We were a class of 22 or 23, and yes I believe that most of us probably were at least somewhat accepting of the lgbtq+ community, we still only had, from what I know, 2 people who actually is in the community. Neither of us accepted it at the time, even though we both were proudly supportive of the community.

The thing is, she struggled with internalized shit about her identity and that delayed the realization.

I was genderfluid, and same thing there. I denied my own gender because, my friend was nonbinary, I couldn't also be, right? So internlized shit that delayed the realization.

Neither of us came to term with it until after we had left that school.

But I have a clear memory of us both Hating our class, we were a class of mainly guys, and every single guy was white (tbf, we had 1 person who wasn't white in our class all together).

We all know what white cis straight men are famous for...

Being bigots.

I don't know if anything has changed these past years, I haven't talked to them. But back then,

At least half of them were openly sexist, homophobic, transphobic etc.

I have a clear memory, that still Disgusts me so much to this day, of a sex ed class where the teacher, bless her, tried to be inclusive and ask us what we thought about gay couples. (Not how it should be done, but it was atleast a try in the right direction) The guys, who always ran the show (the ones I hated more than I think I can explain), said (TW for Homophobia):

"Gay guys are disgusting. Lesbians are hot".

I was so mad, my skin was crawling with disgust, still is when I think about it. To everyone who only accept lesbians because they think it's hot, you are disgusting. Lesbians are real people and they are not there to please some man. It's not for you, it's between the lesbian and her girlfriend and you should Stay Out Of It!

It wasn't a great place to be out in, so maybe it wasn't weird for us to ignore our own identity, to not want to be lgbtq+ in that space, because if we had been out back then even just to ourselves we would've had to face these people every day and therefore face these kind of things knowing that they are talking about us like this. Even though they didn't know it, they were and it was disgusting and terrible.

(I am not saying repress your gender or sexuality until you are older, you don't have to do that at all. Just be safe, and know that if people are mean or ignorant, they are wrong. You are valid and loved and we all support you so much. Find support, and don't let bigots tear you down. You are Valid and you are who You are no matter what others tell you)

I wanted out of that class, from those people, ever since I was like 6-7 years old. I hoped when we switched school when we were 12-13 that I would end up without a bunch of them. I did still have that same class, which really I had expected even if I hoped differently.

At 16 I got a change to move across the country, I took it. Actually, I kinda fought for it, and I was lucky enough to get it.

Moving away from all my friends were scary even if I had made an active choice to do so. I was terrified that I would be lonely, and that everyone at this new school would be terrible and I had to move back home and face that shame of failure (obvs, it wouldn't be actual failure to get out of a toxic place if it has been that, but I saw it as such)

When I came to this new school, everything was super different from back home.

My class was, to my standards, filled with so many different people with different cultures. All of them different from mine because I was from across the country, from a small town. And suddenly here I was in a gigantic city.

Anyway, this school taught me a lot, about everything. My class had openly Lgbtq+ people. My new friends were suddenly all queer or questioning, and I was in awe, because... It could be like this?

Also, everyone was super nice to me. Asking for my instagram on day 1 so we could be friends on there, showing me how to get back home in this new city when everything was so new to be, starting conversations and being just geniune good people. Like, huge shout out to those people.

I learned so much about oppression, and how to stand against it in this school, not because I myself was oppressed, I'm white and at the time I thought I was cishet.

No, I learned because our teachers wanted us to learn about all these things that I knew were real problems but I had only heard of in fiction, never in real life.

I got to a safe space, where racist teachers got fired asap. Where teachers were openly queer and my classmates could come out as trans to the class simply by stating their new name and pronouns. No questions asked. I got to a school where every introduction included name and pronouns. Where we were all shown that we can be who we are and that is okay. And where teachers apologized to students in a real and honest way when they did something wrong.

In this environment I got to figure out who I am. Yes it took two years, but I figured it out and felt safe enough to tell my new friends in weeks, because they accept everyone.

So, the question, how do you survive high school?

My answer is simply, you hold onto the belief that you will survive, and that things will get better. And you will get there.

You can try to find other lgbtq+ people in your school, I know some have groups you can join (mine didn't).

And with the tests, I guess I recommend you study, and remember that a bad grade isn't the end of the world. You are worth more than a grade.

I wish I could promise you that you could enter a school like mine, where everything certainly wasn't perfect (you never get rid of high school drama...), but it was still a very friendly space.

But I can promise you that you are not alone and things will be better. If it gets better in high school or if it gets better years later, I can't tell you. But it does get better. And you will survive.

Also, sorry for this extremely long answer, it was probably not what you're looking for. But I hope you find an answer in there eitherway.

Long story short, high school is a shitshow, but the show must go on.

Also, gender neutral bathrooms in schools should be standard (it has been in all schools I've gone to and no one is complaining here, not even the transphobes).

Also, the reason why I barely mention the girls in my old class, is simply because there were almost none and nothing any of them have said when I've been around has been relevant to this answer.

Tell me if you want things tagged or added to the warnings at top.

#genderfluidpoststhings #genderfluidpoststhings ask #Homophobia tw

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aromoji · 5 years ago

Text

FAQ

(Pwease no rebloggy, this is subject to change)

[Insert any invasive question about my ethnicity]

I’m Ghanaian American. My parents were born in Ghana and I was born here. For some reason both black Africans and black Americans seem to have a problem with that. I will not elaborate on this.

I sent you an ask and you never answered it!

It’s likely that

I never got it

You were blocked

I’ve already answered this

It’s a random positivity ask (which I appreciate but not sure how to respond to those)

You were rude in your ask and I didn’t feel like answering

I forgot until it was too late, which happens when my inbox gets a lot of asks at a time.

You sent it to the wrong blog (I.e, sending asks about my ocs to this blog instead of @ochood )

Non is just a prefix, black people don’t have a monopoly on the term! I suppose you think nonbinary people are racist huh?

This person explains it better than I can. Plus we’re talking about marginalized groups here. Black people are a marginalized group. Binary people as a whole are not so the term nonbinary isn’t appropriative at all. Also shut up, racist.

Follow up: If we can’t use non-[marginalized group], what can we use instead?

There are other words to describe the people you’re talking about

non-transfem- TME

non-lgbt- cishet, or people who aren’t lgbt

non trans - cis

etc

Black people don’t have a monopoly on the acronym nb! I’ll call myself nb if I want to!

I’m always gonna mean nonblack when I use the acronym nb. Die mad about it.

Hey, the op is [insert post] is [someone on my dni]!

I usually double check myself, just to be sure. If the person’s url is uncensored I’m not going to post the ask

Have you heard about [someone who is mutuals with someone who is mutuals with someone I’m loosely connected with]?

Most likely, no. And unless they’re an immediate danger to someone or they’ve got my name in their mouth, I don’t care.

Are you an anti?

Yes. Here’s why

Please don’t send asks about this

Are you an inclusionist/exclusionist?

Yes and no. I do think aces + aros are lgbt but they still should have spaces outside of the lgbt community because they have issues that both overlap with the lgbt community but are also different as well. Idk wtf is going on with the inclus community, but exclus are nonetheless insufferable, I’ve never met a single ‘respectful’ exclusionist who doesn’t thinks unironically calling themselves an aphobe is a personality trait or doesn’t reblog from people who feel that way. As someone who’s definetly not cishet in any sense of the word, I don’t believe the acecourse is about the “cishet aces and aros” like they claim.

Also as an addendum: I don’t like being called queer nor do I agree with calling people who do not reclaim the term as such, but that doesn’t mean people who are comfortable with the label shouldnt be allowed to reclaim it for themselves and take pride in it. Unironically calling yourself a queerphobe is cringe bro, and calling people “kweers” is disrespectful to asian queer people who use it as a personal identity

I’m also pro-pansexuality, no I don’t think pan people oppress or harm me as a bi (and trans) person. Yes, they should check their transphobia, but that is the case for people of any orientation.

Please don’t send asks about this. I am not a discourse blog, and I’m trying to stay as far away from any lgbt related discourse as possible, but I want to makae my stances clear for anyone that wants to follow me and must know before doing so.

Do you need dysphoria to be trans?

No. Next question.

Please don’t send asks about this

Are you pro/anti mogai?

I dont personally engage with the mogai community (and I’m pretty sure a lot of the identies people make fun of are literal trolls. Come on, no one’s actually calling themselves audiosexual...right?) but people who use mogai as an insult or run flop accounts are cringe.

Please don’t send asks about this

Why do you continue to use the ace flag even though known homophobe David Jay made it?

He didn’t. It was created by a user named standup on the AVEN website, who has no connection to David Jay himself. A lot of aces don’t even know who the fuck this person is anyways.

Edit: I no longer identify as ace but this still stands.

Please don’t send asks about this.

Do you know who [x person/group/thing] is?

Most likely no. Not to sound like a hipster but I dont usually keep up to date with trends. If I do hear about something, it’s most likely from twitter or instagram.

Is x AAVE?

I have a tag dedicated to what is and is not aave.I know some things overlap with southern culture but others are specifically for black people. No, I can’t tell you how to stop using AAVE.

Hey, I can’t see your blog or reblog your posts!

You were blocked. And now you’re block evading. I don’t remeber why I specifically blocked a user, but it’s most likely because you’re on my dni.

But I’m not on your dni?

You probably said or did something annoying then. Lol. Or you’ve added a stupid comment to someone else’s posts and I don’t want that nonsense on mine, so I blocked preemptively.

There’s the occasionaly chance while I was blocking people on a spree in the notes of a bad post you may have gotten caught in the fray, and if so, I apologize.

However, there’s also a chance you also blocked me on @mojiis and yet continued to interact here. So I blocked back.

Can you tag x?

I have a list of things I usually tag because they come up on this blog a lot. I cannot do catch all tags, as I have way too many followers for that. The closest thing to that is the “ask to tag” tag when there’s something potentially triggering but I’m not sure what it is. Everything is tagged as “x tw”. If something is extremely triggering, I’ll tag it as “major tw”

Do you tag slurs?

I’ve decided in order to be fair I’m tagging any possible lgbt related slur as the letter itself. Hopefully those who dont want to see it will have it black listed and I wont offend the people who reclaim it. I don’t tag the n word, as I reclaim that one. I always tag the r slur

Can I message you about something/someone?

Unless you’re a mutual, most likely no. My DMs are only open to mutuals.

Do you want to be mutuals?

I don’t usually follow back people who follow me, especially if you’re under 17. I’m sure you’re a nice person, but don’t post about things I’m interested in.

Can you give me advice on x?

Most likely not, because I’m not an expert or an advice blog. I’ll try, but dont take my word for it. I’m also tme, ablebodied, not jewish, singlet, etc, so I’m not able to accurately answer questions about transmisogyny, (physical?) ableism, antisemeitsm, “sycourse”, etc.

I might be able to give advice on school related stuff, but remember that students are not a monolith, and what worked for me may not work for someone else.

What’s your main blog?

If you know, you know.

Why do you continuously move mains/change urls/update themes?

I’m inconsitent. Plus someone is stalking me.

Can I tag you in posts I think I’d like?

Of course!

#text #✨.txt

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