#which im currently doing more than ive been these past few days

[thecherrygod]

the url of that ask really made me think of echem thinking harrys life would be fixed by amateur porn

[vidalswife]

The Raven & The Witch

Word Count: 2,104

pairing: agatha harkness/rio vidal, salem timeline.

Summary: A young witch is a witch alone, the journey to power is a long one, and many fear what they do not understand. Agatha Harkness is a witch many fear. Only at eighteen did she make her mark, and in-grave her reputation on those of the world. She was outcast, isolated, and ostracized. A young witch with no friends, no family, meets a girl in the woods as she attempts to discover the secret of a raven, which has been tailing her for months.

author's note: as the days have been passing, ive been wondering on agatha and rio's past. when rio said, "how long has it been agatha" followed by, "since you got your hands on the darkhold and hid behind all that dark magic?" it started to make me think about their past. so im writing rio and agatha in salem, depicting a young (not underage) love, and how it lead to their current hatred of one another. im estimating the length of this fanfiction to be up to eight chapters. there will be smut within the fanfiction however there is none in this first chapter. minors, DNI. i hope you guys enjoy it! <3

When a young witch turns eighteen, she is allowed into the Witch’s Ward. The Ward is not a simple place, it is a maze inside of an enchanted library, and it leads to the ancient books of magic that fuel a witch and her knowledge. In a single pre-established coven there must only be one witch permitted per the year, and as the case with most covens are, they usually have more than one witch whom on her eighteenth birthday is ready to ascend. The maze inside of this ancient institution is most known for its merciless challenges and low survival rate. Sometimes three, maybe four witch-kin will enter, and none will return. Other times, many will enter, and only the one will return. Once a witch survives The Ward, she no longer will face challenges within it, and it will be open with all of its knowledge to any that can survive. Witches of all kinds dream of beating The Ward, but few have actually done so.

There is a tale of a young witch, bright for her age, and powerful among her coven. She was the sole victor of the maze.. at least for a moment. You see, soon after she emerged victorious from the race into Coventry, another witch surfaced. The established coven had never heard of this happening before, so they did the best they could to determine a new admission. They deemed the witch with the least injuries the strongest, and decided that she would be their new sister, but what was to be left of the other witch? She had survived as well, but they could not push back her entry for another year, there were more witches who would grow and age. The answer came to the coven just as quickly as they had decided their winner. On one formidable and dark night, the young witch who had suffered most, filled with vengeance and hatred, did not let her adversary achieve victory over her, taking the matters of ascension into her own, corrupt hands.

By the morning, the witch who was deemed the weakest emerged as part of her coven, with the other young girl gone, and never seen again. For many years the sisters searched for her, or a sign that she had been alive, but there was no sign. The weaker witch became one of great renown, a symbol of darkness, of all that a witch should try not to be. Witches around the world thought her a witch killer, a murderer, and a maniac. They ostracized her, abandoned her, and ran in fear from her. The coven’s leadership couldn’t bear to outcast or kill the witch, as she was the daughter of their most honored, and were not entirely sure what had happened that night. So, they instead ignored her. It was a lonely road for a witch all alone, until of course, she wasn’t alone.

_______________________

Agatha woke with the sun, its immense warmth flowing through the unshaded window of her chamber. Her body squirmed and began to stretch, as her eyes fluttered open. Her hair was a disheveled mess, and she wore only her undergarments. Her room was quite empty, except for some books and a small wardrobe.

She looked around in disappointment at her stockhouse, a subtle sigh escaping her lips. She was no stranger to loneliness, for the last year she had been the outcast of her coven, and witches alike. They all thought her a monster, but they didn’t know. They’d never want to know the truth, and she’d never tell them. If she were to be believed a witch killer, she would be deemed so.

But of course, it was hard on a young girl to face isolation, so inside, she burned, and faded. More and more with each day the young brunette found herself tempted to fall away from witchkind.

She would follow the same routines, waking with the early morning light, looking around her depressing chambers, dressing, dining, being avoided, attending the ward for a lesson, dining, undressing, and then falling to slumber with the rise of the moon. She never dared try anything new, not until she saw the raven atop the chimney of her mother’s station. It was a small, dark creature, but the longer she stared, the longer something seemed different. The laughter of young children skewed her mind away from the animal, as she watched them play with the witches her age. She scoffed, turning in the opposite direction, and retreating to her chambers. She didn’t notice that the raven watched her as she paced away.

The next few days were the same as always, wake, dress, dine, shun, lesson, dine, undress, and slumber, except the raven seemed to follow her. At first she was unsure if it was the same winged animal as before, but its brown, humanlike eyes were impossible to mistake. It followed her into the next week, and it began to arise anger in the witch. What bird dares mock her? What creature dares to follow and disturb her?

The raven became a symbol of frustration for Agatha, a reminder that she was alone and peculiar.

It followed her for months, brown eyes staring into her soul at every chance.

On the eve of her birthday, she decided that she had enough of the raven and it’s foolishness. She would get rid of it for good, and finally be at peace, without those beautiful brown eyes watching her at every turn. She waited inside her chambers, eyes glued to the raven which stood motionless across from her abode. It for once, did not have her in its eyesight, and she reveled in the fact that she would finally outsmart the desperate creature. The bird rose from its spot, flying off into the treeline. Agatha thought it odd the raven did not watch her on this night as it did many nights before, but she was too overcome with pride to think it anything but a coincidence.

The next morning, she woke with the sun, a warm smile entrancing her lips. Today she would conquer the raven, and then, maybe things could be different for her. She reached for the woven bag that lay atop her wardrobe, placing her spellbook within it. She wanted to be prepared for her battle with the bird. Knowing that the forest was typically warmer in the spring months, she dressed in a thinner fabriced skirt that surpassed her ankles and a white long-sleeved button down blouse. She did not wear shoes, as it was un-witchlike to walk in a forest unless barefoot. Her dressing may be looked down upon, seeing as she was expected to a lesson later that afternoon and may not have time to redress, but she must be comfortable when she faces her opponent. As the bell sounded to commence dining, she set off towards the treeline, her woven bag thrown over her shoulder, and her hair free to the wind.

As she met the entrance of the forest, she looked up to the height of the trees, wondering if she would find the raven in its nest. Agatha turned her head, making sure her coven could not see her. When she deemed it clear, she stepped into the everlasting ecosystem of trees, bushes, and plants.

Her plan was clear, she would track the raven, kill it, and then return to her lesson. The brunette looked around before slipping her bag from her shoulder. She pulled from it her spellbook, opening it to the page illuminated by a string between parchment. On the page was an incantation that was supposed to help her find the bird. Agatha read it over multiple times, memorizing the pronunciation and chant of the spell.

‘Venator factus est venatus, anhelitus invenias quo capis, et te ad raptorem capias’

With a deep breath, she looked ahead to the ensemble of green and then closed her eyes as she began to recite the incantation, “Venator factus est venatus, anhelitus invenias quo capis, et te ad raptorem capias.” She inhaled, repeating, “Venator factus est venatus, anhelitus invenias quo capis, et te ad raptorem capias.”

A warmth spread in her body, and she opened her eyes, in which a flash of purple was clear. She knew the spell had worked. Almost immediately, a path was found. It had no markers, yet Agatha knew exactly where to go. She wrapped around trees and boulders, stepped over a fallen greenery, and walked up a short incline in the terrain. She focused only on the raven, her mind filled with nothing but the image of its obnoxious brown eyes.

The spell led her to a creek. It was dark, and looked green from the reflection of the treetops, but not only that, there was another person. She was floating in the water with her eyes closed. Agatha noticed her hair floating atop the water’s surface, almost depicting a root-like symbol. Her eyes trailed down to her face, she looked angelic and not only that, she looked asleep.

That wasn’t the only thing she noticed about the other. Her body was uncovered, and she was naked. Lily pads covered her breasts, and the water was far too dark to see much else. This sent a rising heat to the brunette’s cheeks, and she was sure they were red. The witch contemplated leaving and acting as if she didn’t see a thing in the woods, but it was too late. Almost as soon as she began to think such a thing, the woman in the water spoke.

“Enjoying the view?”

Agatha’s cheeks were as hot as the sun, she couldn’t move anything in the moment. Her brow furrowed as she noticed how the woman’s eyes remained closed, begging the question of how she knew of her presence.

The stranger chuckled, and Agatha debated casting a spell on her. Something about the woman felt familiar, she couldn't place what, but she could feel that this was not their first encounter. Agatha began to speak, sighing as the words came out, “I was just looking for a raven— and you happened to be in my way.”

She took note of how the stranger’s lips curled in a smirk, and how her brow furrowed, “Looking for a raven? How come?”

Agatha realized she probably sounded crazy, and she felt a need to explain. “I’ve been tracking this bird– it won't stop following me, and my spell led me to you” in almost an instant, the witch’s hand flew atop her mouth. She realized her mistake and looked at the woman in the water with ferocious, squinted eyes. She didn’t know what to say, but she hoped the stranger would deem her insane and drop the interaction.

To the brunette’s surprise, she didn’t.

Instead, she watched as the woman opened her eyes and stood in the creek. The lily pads fell from her nipples and she stood in front of the witch completely naked, water dripping down her neck, breasts, and stomach. Yet, this wasn’t what Agatha was most concerned with, instead, it was her eyes. They were brown and beautiful, like the raven’s. In fact, Agatha was sure her eyes were the same as the raven’s.

The brunette’s eyes remained locked onto the brown eyed girl. They did not falter not once, not even as the stranger began to rise from the water and inch closer to Agatha.

They were only a breath apart, the woman’s eyes still captured by the other pair. Agatha spoke, aware of their closeness, “You’re—” but she was cut off.

The stranger’s lips were on hers, and she cupped her hand on the witch’s cheek. Those beautiful brown eyes disappeared behind her eyelids, and so Agatha’s eyes shut too. She hesitated at first, but as the time grew, she became filled with hunger and desire.

Their lips clashed together and the woman’s other hand was now wrapped around Agatha’s waist. The witch’s hands wrapped around her neck, one ending up buried in her wet hair.

They only parted when their lungs couldn’t deny the need for air anymore, and when they did, their eye contact resumed as if it never faded. Agatha only stared at the woman in shock, but then, she smirked.

“I knew you’d come, Agatha” she said, which resulted in a head tilt from the witch.

“Who are you?” she asked, biting her lip as her eyes trailed from the stranger’s eyes to her perfect figure.

“I’m Rio Vidal.”

Agatha smirked, crossing her arms.

“You’re a green witch, aren’t you?”

[antiv3nom]

asuka ask game? pick your favorite one

ok so i do enjoy asuka guiltygear but i have been thinking REALLY hard about asuka tekken as of late so we're talking about her today

also this took me WAY too long to post i apologize but it Is out here so yaaaay

favorite thing about them:

ok so legally i have to mention asuka's tekken 8 design because motherfucker WHAT were they thinking with that one. what the fuck was the inspiration. but i love it so much i cannot lie

other than that, i really enjoy her rivalry with lili and how moderately insane that bit has gotten, and i like how they've kept her a character who is a) defensively focused in her gameplay even among the generally aggressive play of t8, and b) has a generally down-to-earth feel to her despite. Everything. happening in tekken

least favorite thing about them:

so i was actually talking to a friend about this recently and she explained my feelings really well, its like. asuka feels like the protagonist of another story that isnt being told.

it feels like she has so much stuff that COULD be a really interesting plot focus for her but it just. hasnt been? like everything between her and feng COULD be so neat but its just been sort of...by the wayside for the past few games in favor of keeping up with the mishimas (new sitcom there btw)

favorite line:

asuka's quotes are fun but most arent super noteworthy unfortunately? its mostly pretty standard fare for fighting game open and win quotes unforch :( i will say though, i do really enjoy this win line in t8 from her:

It's not good to fight all the time. Well, see ya!

bc like. girl. what do you think youre out here doing rn. girl please

(note: i dont speak japanese so i couldnt say anything towards this, but i wonder if asuka speaks with a kansai accent/dialect in game? her being from osaka and all, itd be a cool little addition)

brOTP:

omg actually ive seen stuff between leo and asuka that's been fun before i really enjoy that, iirc theyre not super close in the main canon but i wanna say in the non-canon webcomic theyre friends? i think thats right? either way its a fun concept

OTP:

asulili...uwoagh........

fellas is it gay to buy your rival's dojo and fill it entirely with roses to get their attention? certainly not. certainly.

i do wish we saw some amount more narrative tension between them since most of it has sort of dissolved by t8 but i do think theyre really cute and as mentioned before i really do enjoy their whole bit its awesome

SHOUTOUT ASULILI WEEK BTW I DONT HAVE THE TIME TO PARTICIPATE BUT I AM HYPED ABOUT ITS EXISTENCE

nOTP:

i do not think i have been around long enough to see another pairing for asuka, let alone one i dislike, so i cannot answer this question LMAO

random headcanon:

spun my mental wheel of headcanon topics and it wouldnt stop spinning for like half an hour unfortunately so im just telling you that i think asuka would play baiken or may in strive

unpopular opinion:

i still havent been here long enough to know whats unpopular regarding her :,) although i think in terms of gameplay i think she's cooler than most people believe, though i do agree that her current iteraiton in t8 isnt very strong within the meta unforch :(

song i associate with them:

i can nigh on guarantee that it's because ive been listening to this song while thinking about her really hard recently but absolute zero by natori (banger btw go watch the music video it goes unbelievably hard), i think the lyrics arent entirely unfitting though!!!

favorite picture of them:

i really like this profile art option for her, the posing is fun and the textures on the clothing are really impressive

and then also i have to mention her preset 3 outfit which i LOVE SO SO MUCH

(apologies as i cant find a better example pic and do not feel like opening t8 at 2 in the morning on this day)

[natasha-in-space]

Hey ive a small request. I just thought of yoosung route with an mc who....actually knew him for a long time and had secretly crushed on him and admired him when both of them were in school. It is pretty canon that yoosung was a popular kid at his school and had many girls crushing on him. One of the girls happened to be mc who cant help but admire him from afar. Back in the day yoosung was the first guy who had been kind and sweet towards her and that stuck with her for the rest of her life. She never confessed her feelings, thinking that she might be "too weird" for him (since she was one of the "weird girls" of the class because of her shyness).

She however never found out about his grief regarding rika, she has a faint memory of him appearing sad on the day of graduation and she has no idea why...it just felt very unusual of him from her perspective. She mustered up some courage to ask him why he is sad but he pushed her away by plastering a fake smile and saying "im actually fine dont worry", she knew he was lying but that day she couldnt ask him more and force him to talk. Few days later she moves out to a different country with her family

Fast forward to current time she ends up being stuck in the apartment because she could not say no to an obviously shady man and finds the same guy she had once admired.

Because the mc here is a very socially awkward person, I am pretty sure she would end up only inviting a handful of people so its going to be the normal ending instead of good ending (which basically means that she would meet him at the hospital and not at the party)

So how do you think the reunion will be. I love your writings very much i want to see your take on this

Life can be so peculiar.

You can meet people by who's side you will end up spending the rest life with, by pure chance. Or, you can lose the one person you thought understood you more than anyone else could. It's unpredictable. And that's a thought that is both terrifying and relieving to ponder over late in the night, when there is nothing else fot you to do but just lay there and stare at the ceiling of your bedroom, deep in thought.

It was unexpected to meet Yoosung again, to say the least. It seems like such cliche story, ripped straight from some generic k-drama and not real life, doesn't it? A shy, closed off kid meeting their popular high school crush further down the line, when they are both now established adults with their own individual lives. But, then again, maybe it wasn't as strange. It's not like you went through some mind-boggling 'glow-up' in these few years, like characters in k-dramas usually do. You were still the same introverted and kind of nerdy dork you were in high school, just a bit more capable of putting up a somewhat acceptable front in public.

Yoosung, though? He was almost an entirely different person.

Well, not entirely, but he was still a far cry from the popular and academic boy you knew back in high school. Not in a bad way, per se... But, it still shocked you quite a bit once you got to know him fully. Then again, it's not like you have really known him at all until now. That doesn't mean your past crush on him was superficial by any means, but it was still rather innocent and puppy-like on your end. You wanted to get to know him better, to see sides of him you couldn't see when he was in public... but, you were far too insecure and skittish to be so bold.

Alas, life had other plans for you.

His hair was not the same neatly styled brunette you remembered. In its place, was a new bright blonde hue that fit him surprisingly well, layered in an adorably casual look that made your heart skip a beat the moment you saw his selfie in the chat, when you first joined. His choice of clothing was more free-spirited, less classy and uptight. The type that made you wonder how his shirts would look and feel on you if you were to borrow them. And his overall attitude seemed to have become a bit more carefree and lighthearted. These major changes surprised you. But, they weren't unwelcome by any means. They intrigued you. Made you want to talk to him, and learn all the ways that he has changed in these couple of years.

Thankfully, you were a bit more chatty behind the safety of your phone.

With chatting, you could take your time and make sure your wordings are correct. You didn't have to just say the first thing that came to mind and then follow through with it. You could express yourself accurately. And you would use that lucky opportunity to its full potential.

Yoosung's apparent active neglect of his studies was surprising to you. The straight-A student you knew back in high school was completely different from this older Yoosung. Maybe you should have been put off by this particular negative change of his, but it only made you grow concerned for him. The more you talked, the less... happy he appeared to you. Sure, his attitude was cheery and carefree on the surface. But, sometimes, you would read upon a phrase or two that would make you pause, your brows furrowing in concern and your heart clenching in your chest, despite it being passed around like a light joke or something.

I don't really know what my talents are.

I don't really know what I want to do.

I just play games to get rid of stress or feel less lonely.

Trying to find what you're interested in itself is a luxury.

It felt like... he just gave up on himself. On his future, and, subsequently, his own happiness. That thought was gnawing at you. It's like he didn't... believe he was capable of finding fulfillment in life, so he gave up on trying altogether. It wasn't right.

Although he may have neglected his studies, he remained the same passionate and lively person you fell for in back in high school. His drive was still there, but it was almost like it got fizzled out due to something you couldn't quite figure out yet. You did remember him seeming rather... downcast back at your graduation. No, he looked downright crushed.

You have a distinct memory of wanting to approach him and inquire about his wellbeing. Maybe you could have offered for him to come and spend some time with you. Yet, as always, you were far too big of a scaredy cat to do so.

Things had changed since then. You may be shy and timid, but you weren't going to let your fears and insecurities hold you back from doing something you knew in your heart was right. Not when life has given you a second chance like this.

And so, that's how you got here. You finally got to see him face to face after eleven days of complete and utter rollercoaster of emotions. Meeting Yoosung in the hospital ward wasn't how you planned it... but, you were just glad to see him smiling and safe.

Furthermore, his smile was meant for you. An observation that left you reeling as you walked sheepishly into his hospital ward, knowing that everyone has left to give you some alone time. It was just you and him now.

"...Hi."

He smiles wider, as if he's excited to finally hear your voice in person, no longer muffled by his speaker phone. You can see him straining a little bit to sit upright, but ultimately deciding against it. "Hi."

So much to say, yet so little time... You find yourself just staring at him for a few moments, before deciding to just go for it. Considering everything that happened during these eleven days between you two, there was no need for you to be cautious or distant. He was pretty straightforward with you about his feelings. Much more upfront than you could ever be. And, some part of you was still in disbelief that he has actually come to love you in such a short amount of time.

It was too good to be true.

You reach his bedside and sit on the chair placed neatly next to it. Without thinking much about it, you reach out and place a gentle hand on his palm, his skin soft and warm under your touch. It makes you smile almost inadvertently. "It's... so good to finally see you. Are you alright? We were all so shocked when Seven..."

"-I'm okay. You don't have to worry." Yoosung cuts you off in a soft tone, his smile turning a bit bashful, and you feel his fingers cautiously intertwining with yours, almost like he was testing the waters, wanting to see if you will pull away from his touch. Of course, you didn't. He sighs, seeming to be enjoying the comfortable silence for a brief moment, before continuing, his thumb warmly brushing the back of your hand. "I promise I'll tell you everything a bit later. There will be no secrets between us. I just... I want this moment to be about us, you know?"

Your heart flutters in your chest as you nod in response to such sweet words. You knew what he meant, though. You really did. He was brave enough to say it openly while you weren't. "What... do you want to talk about?"

You opt to give him the initiative here. To see where this would go. He hums softly, pondering for a few moments before replying, his eye always fixed on you. Not like you could blame him. Finally talking to him face to face and not having to imagine what he actually looks like, was having the same effect on you. You two might be more similar than you think.

"...I just... I can't help but think that this was fate, you know? That Rika really did bring you to me. To help me find what I have lost back when she left us. To help me move forward with my life." He licks his lips, and you give him an encouraging nod, letting him know that you are indeed listening. Rushing this was not necessary. He seemed to appreciate your gesture, with an adorably sweet smile tugging at the corners of his mouth that made your heart swell. "It's funny... I was so popular back in high school, I had so many people I called my friends, and yet, I barely have seen them since then. Yet, the one who made their way back into my life like a hurricane was... you."

You can't help but chuckle and shake your head a little bit. "I would say it was the other way around... but, I am flattered to hear that."

You sway in your seat, unsure if you should mention it or not. In the end, you make the decision to be truthful. You two are technically a couple now, after all. It's only right to be honest with him. And... a huge part of you was always longing for a chance to tell him what you were far too scared to tell all those years ago.

So, you go for it.

"...How surprised would you be, if I told you that I actually had a huge crush on you back in high school?"

You watch his eyes widen and his mouth fall open as he just stares at you for a few moments, completely taken aback by your revelation. It was both endearing and a bit embarrassing to witness. You chuckle nervously, feeling your cheeks grow warm as you look down at your hands locked together, suddenly far too shy to look him in the eye.

"You just seemed so out of my league back then... You were the popular guy - one everyone liked. And, I mean... who was I? Just an anxious mess always sitting in the back of the class. Invisible and weird. So, I... never really approached you about it." You pause, your expression growing a bit somber as you call back to the day of your graduation. An event that was meant to be a moment of triumph and joy. A celebration of the start of your future. Yet, for you two, it wasn't anything like that. "What I always regretted the most, though... was not talking to you back at our graduation. I could tell that something was wrong, but I was too much of a chicken to actually do anything about it. So, I... when I walked into that apartment, and realized it was actually you... I don't know. I just felt like life has given me a second chance. To make things right this time."

There are a few minutes of silence between you two, nothing but the muffled noises of the hospital bustling with life on the other side of the door, and your shared breathing. Despite this, it's not suffocating or uncomfortable at all. It's oddly peaceful. You know he's processing all that you just told him, and you feel strangely calm as you give him all the time he needs before he responds.

Yoosung gently tugs your hand, a silent request for you to look up at him, and you grant him that request without any reservations on your part. His rosy eye is soft as he looks at you, and his brows slightly knit together, but it is not an expression of displeasure or unhappiness. Rather, it's a look of curiosity and disbelief that makes your breath catch in your throat. You remain silent, though, just waiting for him to come up with his piece.

You told your truth. Now, it was his turn.

"All this time... All this time you were right there, by my side, and I didn't even know it. You really are my blessing, aren't you, Y/N?"

His voice shakes as he speaks, his throat bobbing as he clearly attempts to swallow his emotions. It doesn't seem to work, though, as you can see his eye glistening slightly with unshed tears. So much for not getting emotional. As you gently squeeze his hand, you feel yourself becoming quite choked up too. A small laugh escapes you: a natural response to a rather emotional exchange happening between you. "I wouldn't call it that... I was too much of an anxious mess to do anything for the majority of that time. I'm still that awkward, scared kid, to be quite honest. Just a little bit more mature now."

Yoosung shakes his head, and an adorable pout takes its place on his cheeks. He almost seems offended when he hears you talk about yourself in this manner. "You are so much more than that."

"Yeah?" You smile, finding his insistence rather cute.

"Your words, your encouragements, your trust in me - it all gave me strength to let go of my grief and move forward with my life. Before you came along, I... I was just adrift. After Rika passed, I... I honestly felt like a big part of me died with her. I no longer knew who I was, or what I was meant to do, or if there was any point to what I do, if all my efforts could be just ripped away from so cruelly. I gave up on myself. Truth is, deep down, I didn't believe I could be happy. But, you..." he squeezes your hand, laying his other palm atop of it now as well. "You came along, and you believed in me, when no one else did. You encouraged me and told me that it's never too late to seek out that happiness I thought I lost. You never judged me, never made fun of me. You just... listened. Listened and accepted me for who I was. No, you saw things no one else saw, not even me. I can finally say that I am proud of who I am, and that's because of the way your words have motivated and encouraged me. You are the most brave and amazing person I know. And I'll be damned if I don't tell you that every single day from now on."

You're at a loss for words when faced with such a heartfelt speech. It's just too much. In the best way possible. You are pretty sure you can feel a couple of tears sliding down your cheeks now, as a tiny laugh slips from your lips. You wipe your eyes with your free hand, sniffing.

"...I forgot how great you are at giving motivational speeches."

Your blunt response makes you both laugh, a new lightness filling your chest as you suddenly feel all your nerves fade from your mind. Yoosung didn't make you nervous. Not at all. You knew you were safe with him. Just like you always took his problems and struggles seriously, he would do the same for you.

"I wasn't the class president for nothing, you know."

"That you weren't."

[demadogs]

Do you know any good wlw movies/ TV shows on netflix? I've watched a few, I am not ok with this, Carol, duck butter, but im LESBIAN DEPRIVED!

~🌈

YOU AND ME BOTH GIRLY.

unfortunately almost all my favorite sapphic shows have been canceled especially the ones on netflix but i do still think theyre worth your time. but it might also kill you bc the story isnt finished. all these shows are also just amazing plots too. like i would love them just as much even if there wasnt wlw relationships.

heres what i got for shows but not all of these are on netflix.

the wilds. this is an AMAZING SHOW. its on amazon its about a staged plane crash where 8 girls are stuck on an island but they dont know that its all a fucked up social experiment. a lesbian relationship became established before it got canceled after s2.

cable girls. this is on netflix and it actually DIDNT GET CANCELED HALLELUJAH. its an amazing show but it actually doesnt really count as sapphic bc one of the characters in the wlw relationship ends up being trans. but its still a great queer love. this shows spanish and set in late 1920s madrid at a telephone company. its one of my favorite shows ever literally every season is better than the last plz watch it.

everything sucks. this is on netflix and it did get canceled but the lesbian relationship was mostly established before the end of the first season. its set in the 90s and its just a really cute show im mad it got canceled.

paper girls. this is on amazon and ngl this is one of the most painful sapphic show cancelations ive ever suffered through so if you dont wanna watch it just bc of that i dont blame you. its about these four young girls who accidentally time travel from the 80s to current day and meet their future selves. the gay girlies are heavily implied and foreshadowed but they dont get together before the end of the show :(

the last of us!!! not canceled its still going!! this show has an episode that shows a past sapphic relationship with the lesbian main character but the first season doesnt introduce a new relationship yet. the second season will tho. im sure youve heard about this or already watched it but its about a zombie-like pandemic from a deadly fungus and its total post apocalyptic. also AMAZING found family father/daughter trope. dare i say i actually think i like them more than el and hopper.

i really need to find more great sapphic movies.

my favorite lesbian movie of all time is portrait of a lady on fire. its a french period piece and its just beautiful and THERE ARE LIKE ZERO MEN IN THE WHOLE MOVIE. i think the only line a man has is “bonjour” and thats it. MY KINDA MOVIE!!!!! INSTANT 5 STARS!!!!! i love this movie. the initial premise is that a woman needs to be painted but she cant know that shes being painted so the other woman has to just study her while hanging out and then paint her from memory. it ends up being much more than that but gaaahhh if you only watch one of these make it this movie.

another iconic sapphic movie is but im a cheerleader. way different tone much less dramatic and more comedy but still never gets old.

you didnt mention books but im gonna give you book recs anyway.

seven husbands of evelyn hugo!!!!!!! im sure youve heard about this. i dont think its overrated at all it really was such a good book and dont let the title fool you its gay as hell. if youre really not a reader tho this is going to be a netflix movie soon.

an amazing duo book series is criers war. i LOVE scifi and fantasy and this is my favorite sapphic scifi story ive ever read/watched. i want this to be a movie or show so bad. its about a world where some people are people and some are what they refer to as “automa” which are essentially cyborgs but they look just like humans. crier is an automa and the daughter of a king and ayla is a poor human and she has a vendetta against crier bc her father was responsible for her familys murder but crier doesnt know this! so then ayla gets the job as her maid for the goal of killing her basically but of course it gets super gay instead. its such an interesting take on the enemies to lovers trope bc its one sided, cryer has no idea ayla considers her her enemy. also neither of them are white i think crier is brown and ayla is black.

i hope you like these! and if anybody else has lesbian story recs plz put it in the replies or rbs cuz i also need more lesbian content!!!

[yeoubbi]

week 1 of studying chinese everyday in january

so ive (kinda) started over with mandarin to learn traditional characters rather than simplified, which is what i learned in the CHN101 course at my community college

this is because i’ll hopefully be studying in taiwan over the summer and that is where most of my interest is plus traditional should somewhat help with japanese as well as if i wanna learn cantonese in the future

i didnt record what i did daily so heres a summary so far

- have gotten an okay handle on zhuyin, just need practice and to learn where each character is on apples zhuyin keyboard since the site i used to learn used something else. i do like the concept more than pinyin but some of the final combinations confuse me (more on that another day)

- started reviewing my integrated chinese textbook as thats what both my old and current college use as their class resources. i bought the fluencylink (e-learning) account this time instead of the physical textbook and i looove it, its interactive, contains all the audio/video to go along and gives immediate grades on each section you complete. i did buy the physical workbook just to have in class though.

- have been taking some online classes through LTL and despite signing up/paying for group classes every class ive taken so far has just been 1 on 1 (i take them at like 3 am so i guess other people just dont sign up for those times) and have been enjoying it! online classes and tutors have made me anxious in the past and prior to this my online mandarin teachers almost never corrected my tones which i hated but these are great! i definitely feel like my pronunciation has improved but i still have to work a lot on sentence flow and tone sandhi/combinations.

- scouring the internet for taiwanese shows/movies/youtubers etc to get a feel for the accent differences and just for some listening practice (if you have recommendations lmk)

- also been going crazy looking for apps and sites that offer traditional characters as most are made for simplified/standard mandarin. i have a few that i like so far but hope to find more. i like to have a textbook to guide me through and give me structure but also various other resources to learn things that interest me or that i’ll actually talk about in daily conversation.

overall feeling pretty good and pretty excited to finally get back to studying languages and traveling.

oh and!!! i have mostly finalized what my chinese name is with the help of the teachers i’ve had so far, hence the username change as well and it is … 昕霓 ! (xīnní) i havent chosen a last name tho as im not sure if i need one atm but if anyone has ideas as to what would sound good im open to suggestions.

if anyone would want it im more than happy to post what resources ive been using, and/or what media ive been watching/liking that use traditional characters since its definitely been a little more challenging to find it all. lmk !!

[k20spock]

OKAY SO SIFFRIN. THEY CANNOT REMEMBER WHERE THEY LIVED AS A KID THEIR COUNTRY ANYTHING ITS ALL A TOTAL BLANK. THEY ARE NOT LIKE ANYONE ELSE THEYVE MET THEIR ACCENT IS ALL THEIR OWN THEIR CLOTHES ARE TOTALLY UNIQUE THEY FIT IN **NOWHERE**

they are stuck in a timeloop of killing the king a guy who haa currently trapped the entire country of vagaurde in frozen time. they wake up from a nap a day before them and their party fight the king and the loop ends shortly after they kill the king.

the only person who remembers these loops aside from them is a star. named. loop. who really really really doesnt want you to kill yourself. like once you get far enough in game for "hey i have a dagger maybe i can use that to start again" they ask three times if youre really really sure you want to do that. at which point their forced to tell you. and once you have killed yourself and talk with them again they ask if you wsnt to stop having that as an ootion where once you say you want to keep it you get asked again if youre sure you want to.

anything that doesnt fit timewise gets erased. so you pick up an item for the first time and then go there again in a new loop the copy gets erased from time and replaced by some healing items. and so siffrin is following the "script" as best they can acting as if they arent looping and mostly saying the same stuff as the first loop because they dont want to get erased.

they view it all as a play now and say "scene 1 act 1 siffrin wakes up from a nap. after laying there for a bit they get up" and when you meet mirabelle after waking they say "enter mirabelle" its all just nothing to them anymore.

at one point they have a breakdown in the bathroom because they lied about there being no toilet paper as their reason for taking so long and odile got them some and they just broke a bit because that was the first new thing that they didnt know in so so so so long.

they have dissociation and also troubles with semantic memory they frequently forget basic words they forget what a kiln is what a forge anvil sharpening stone is. a stuffed animal. this has happened so much in the past that if siffrin looks at something for longer than a few seconds someone in the group will let them know what its called.

its also the first time ive ever seen just. a depiction of dissociation at all really and its just.. so well done.. with the blinking and then bam the meal is done blinking and then their in bed blinking and then their at the door to the house. its just so well done.....

they also get ptsd from being in the timeloop due to a thing im not spoiling but which fucked me up so bad that i didnt sleep that night.

they also use he they and are asexual !

the first time they kill themself they say how it hurt so bad and that it felt like forever that they were bleeding out there while their family panicked and couldnt do anything to help and the third time it happens he goes oh no im not gonna say anything because im so good at this now and ends up saying more that time than he did the first time. . .

the killing himself to reset the loop really fucks him up!! he has also forgotten anything that happened before the timeloop due to how long hes been in it now.. the group mentions a funny thing that happened and he cant remember it when he could earlier in the game.

theres a boulder crush trap on the first floor and when getting crushed by it he now says "cant remember basic stage directions"

hes so fucked up and mentally ill and wants to be touched and close to people and wont admit it because its embarassing and everyone thinks he hates being touched

hes so mentally ill and fucked up and loves dying and killing himself hes my favorite ever i love him so much hes my silly guy <3<3<3<3

oh. ok i get it now.

[lepoppeta]

Are there any role swaps or personality swaps in the hellaverse you think would be fun? Or even an improvement on each characters canon story

swaps in general have always been enjoyable from a storytelling perspective, at least for me. how much would the story change if this character was here instead? or if their job was different? their personality? its very fascinating.

that being said i dont think a swap is necessarily an improvement, especially when it comes to something as controversial as the hellaverse (im interpreting this as hazbin hotel and helluva boss combined). the characters as they are now are completely workable on their own, but their effectiveness relies solely on whos handling them. DISCLAIMER — im not saying im the best person to do that. a lot of the changes i think about for hazbin and helluva are just that, changes, rather that outright swaps.

starting at the basic level, i think one of the most approachable swaps is for hazbin hotel, and its simply imagining how the pilot/comic/beta personalities and occupations of the characters would affect the story as it is now. alastor is a great example of this — in the current series hes a narcissist whos pettier, more insecure, and less powerful that he lets on; in the pilot/comic he channels more of a hannibal lecter energy, where he doesnt actively go looking for fights and will leave you alone and even treat you nicely if you do the same to him; in his beta/zoophobia iteration, he comes across as much younger — a barely-there twenty-something (probably younger, honestly — he has the energy of a 13 year old with delusions of grandeur) whos content with being an edgy chaos-monger without giving a shit about coming off as palatable or gentlemanly. thats three very distinct personalities which would all react to the same situation in potentially vastly different ways.

helluva boss has less character iterations to draw from, but it still has the pilot episode. this would be more of a genre swap than an outright character one — outside of stolas, none of the main characters have changed drastically since the first couple of episodes. the pilot originally advertised an work sitcom a-la the office or brooklyn99, whereas the series now is comparable to a tele-nova. i think if the show had been planned and advertised as such it would have been less of a big deal, but i definitely think we were told one thing and then gradually given something else.

(i think hazbin hotel would have also worked as a workplace sitcom — ive definitely had an idea for that in the past. it negates the redemption storyline and becomes a story about charlie trying to save her favourite childhood vacation spot from dilapidation. in point of fact, that WAS kind of a swap, now that i think about it — hazbin became a workplace comedy, and helluva was a romantic-drama-comedy that was based off of what hazbin set up).

approaching the more drastic swaps, one of the ones ive seen for hazbin the most often and enjoy a lot in concept is where different characters are looking after the hotel, either with or without charlie. there are a fair few characters who have a foil — charlie has emily, alastor has vox, etc. — these are the ones i see the most. seeing how creators interpret different powers and personalities affecting the idea of redemption for sinners is very cool. id like to try my hand at this myself one day, but i havent found the inspiration yet.

similarly, a common swap ive seen for helluva boss is switching blitzo and stolas out for barbie wire and stella. unfortunately we dont know much about barbie or stella for me to have much of an opinion on this version. one swap i would like to try myself is swapping blitzo out for fizzarolli — off the top of my head, i think this would turn more characters into outright bad guys, or at least rivals, instead of simply being misunderstood, and im not sure how many people would actually like that.

as a general closer, genderswaps are also fun, because playing with societal expectations and seeing how that affects things like fashion and personality and relationships is always very interesting.

[shininguponthestars]

🍠 🍙 🍘 for the writer asks!

oh lord ok

🍠 How long does it take you to write one of your fics or a chapter/part?

let me check. sun falls was written in a day or two i think but that was years ago so i can’t remember. ummm. i think each entry for taking care of was written in like, a few days up to a week? ive lost my record of harrys bc apparently i reused an old doc, but jakes took 3 days apparently & rogers took 5 or 6. & the walt oneshot was done in a night or two because it was mostly a character study fueled by my godawful flareup. as for what im working on currently uh.

well its been rough. ive had other projects to work on. (+ writing ppl inebriated is HARD) as for active days ive worked on it id say ive spent like 4 or 5 days so far

🍙 Is there a fic you wish had gotten more attention?

honestly the jake one mostly bc i rlly like jake and think it works well as a character study. were ignoring everything else about it rn im in it for the CHARACTERIZATION. but jakes an unpopular character unless ur in The Bubble of ppl who like jake so. shrugs!

im pretty preemptively scared for how my next one will do? because its walt. nobody cares or thinks about walt. but im doing this shit myself ok. ppl will think about that guy by hook or by crook

also not necessarily fic but i wish a few of the phoney related asks on lotd got more eyes on them. guuuys the foreshadowiiiing dont we love roger and jake :( come ooonnnnn lets think abt someone other than dave <- so very silly. i love to think about dave

in general though i am astounded when my shit gets ANY attention whatsoever like i keep finding ppl talking abt my work in the wild and it ASTONISHES me each and every goddamn time. so im happy w anything

🍘 Is there a fic or idea for a fic that you've abandoned?

lets go look at a wonderful place i have dubbed my fic graveyard: my notes app!

most of these go here to die because i write them at 1am and they are illegible. this does not make sense because i also write my fics at 1am but whatever! that first one also may be familiar because it is copy paste smth i said in phonecord.

as for ones i actually started / made it past the drawing board, i had a few for miscellaneous fandoms that i just kind of got performance anxiety on. shoutout my npmd time loop fic you wouldve been so cool. sad im never revisiting that! heres an excerpt from a ypwd one

thanx for the qs ^_^ i loooove 2 ramble. heres my rogersport fics cover page which was bestowed upon me via my darling partner

[mycochaotix]

Alright yall! Made some moves past few days and havent been able to update. This may be a longer text post than usual, followup posts wont be as long, this is mainly s reference post for myself for starting to onserve mew plates and jars while still doing same@for older jars!

- jars up top were inoculated 10-12 with 1st gen plates (the plates one transfer after mother plate)

- newest 3rd gen plates currently actively showcased were transferred on 10/30 from the 10-12 gen 2 plates ive been doing updates for

- jars on bottom@rack are inoculated 10/30 from the 10-12 gen 2 plates after i moved some to slant, some to plate and the healthiest growth lastly to jars :)

—-

My aim is to assess how well each generation of spawn does fruiting wise. The first jars on top rack have the least cleaned up genetics compared to mewest jars which are at least one plate removed from the plates that inoculated the 10-12 jars. When i do my jars im generally doing matching plates to compare myc growth. Ill do one more round of plates and jars for the plates that came from inconsistent plate growths still needing to be cleaned up. Hopefully will be able@to spawn tje first jars to tubs in less than 14 days, we will see! Mush love mycopals! 🍄🍄🍄

——-

Follow for more! linktr.ee/mycochaotix

[valeriianz]

20 questions for fic writers!

tagged by @honeyteacakes <3 (and belatedly, @tharkuun haha)

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

25

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

400,576 (+ 100k extra from fics i've deleted/orphaned in the past few years haha rip)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

i am at the mercy of the hyperfixation, and currently it's The Sandman and Dreamling exclusively.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1) Salvation (How to Get Away With Murder) 2) The Red Witch (Good Omens) 3) Bolt in the Blue (The Sandman) 4) Let Me Down Easy (The Sandman) 5) Show Me (The Mandalorian)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

yes and no. i love that people take the time to show their appreciation for a fic and i always want to reply and show how much it means to me... but i have this bad habit of not replying to comments on say, older works or older chapters of a fic. idk why... im just not good at it lol BUT I LOVE AND APPRECIATE EVERY SINGLE COMMENT, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES 💖💖

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

oh, Exit Wounds, for sure haha

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

im a sucker for happy endings so i'd say, everything else lol but particularly Almost Idyllic (The Song of Achilles) due to the build up and Salvation also, because of the events leading up to the ending.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not since my ff.net days haha.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

very occasionally. and nothing too wild (except for that dreamling butt plug one. that was. hmm.) but i typically enjoy writing first times.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

i do not.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

nope. though i have seen ideas/prompts used without credit. it doesn't bother me much.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

once, The Red Witch (which btw has been discontinued, pls don't read it lol). it started off just me, then my editor jumped on maybe 5 chapters in once i realized they were much more versed in magick and fantasy than me.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

haha probably Zutara.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

ahhh haha... fuck. idk i want to say none. but my brain keeps whispering about the dreamling road trip au. i thought i had a plot but as i continue working on bitb and other little drabbles... ive realized i might've bitten off more than i can chew. and my only option is to completely sideline it until im done with bitb, or change the story (because right now the research i have to do for it is too much and y'all know how i am...) it sucks cos i do want to write it. but it's difficult when all my patience for research is already going into one fic (bitb).

16. What are your writing strengths?

dialogue and monologuing, probably.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

self 👏 motivation 👏 finding 👏 the 👏 urge 👏 to 👏 write (technically, it's tense. i flip between past and present tense constantly and at this point i just consider it one of my endearing qualities pfft)

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i try to avoid it but when it happens i just use Google Translate and then toss a disclaimer that ive done my best (to which usually a commenter will helpfully correct me and then all is well)

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Inuyashaaaaa (Miroku/Sango omg). exchanging physical notebooks with my friends with fanfics we'd written in school lol

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

truly a tie between Savory & Sweet and Let Me Down Easy (at the moment). the restaurant au was so easy and fun to write (probably because i used to be in the industry) and i reread it a lot. the pacing is fast and i love how immediate Hob and Dream fall into each other haha. Let Me Down Easy was very similar. my major was Media Production in undergrad and although it's been a while since i've held a camera, it was fun putting myself back in that environment. also the angst and tension were just a blast to write and figure out.

(this was an excellent waste of time, thanks again!) tagged, if y'all want, @magnusbae @teejaystumbles @ml-nolan @tj-dragonblade @reallyintoscience @delta-pavonis @staroftheendless

[99naive]

small life update under the cut for you guys , just to clear things up & let everyone know whats going on with me in these next few weeks in case i wind up MIA or smthing due to stress .

i know i don't owe any apologies for simply being stressed out & busy with irl shit as of late ; i know i don't but at the same time i do feel like i should give a lil rundown of my current situation since ive been so sporadic & patchy as of late with my writing & my commissions ontop of messaging ppl . but as of rn , im playing the waiting game to see when my dog is gone essentially bc my parents are looking to rehome him or just outright go & have him surrendered , & as of the 19th of next month my brother will be ( without my moms full knowledge out of fear of her gaslighting him/guilt tripping him ) pretty well moving out & moving across country to live with his dad in missouri , which is something im currently having to deal with & also keep under wraps from my mom & dad . & to cap it all off , i have no dryer anymore & have been working overtime on laundry & having to hang dry ALL of the clothes in the house which is only making me more busy & thinly strung out . all of this stress & everything has left me so entirely overwhelmed , ive started developing stress rashes , ive barely been able to eat more than a meal a day , & im hardly sleeping bc my parents aren't sharing their bud as much anymore bc they " have to conserve it for themselves " . everytime ive opened up photoshop in the past three days its immediately left me ready to cry & panic bc my brain just immediately feels completely overwhelmed & i can't get any work done . im trying to keep myself together though , & get myself back on track as soon as i can . i just felt bad not letting you all be completely aware of my current situation , so here it is just so no one feels or thinks that im upset with them , or that im ignoring or ANYTHING along those lines . life has literally just decided to come at me FULL FORCE with every possible thing ive been terrified of having happen to me all at once & im so so sorry if my absence or anything has left anyone with the wrong ideas or feelings . ♡

[glitchbirds]

currently on day 4 post-top surgery

pain was bad first couple days but has mellowed out to the point where im mostly just uncomfortable, finally. i was a bit in a rush to stop taking the prescribed percocet/oxycodone because i didnt like the side effects, and tried to switch to plain acetaminophen the same day as surgery- horrendous mistake. dont do that. in some ways i felt worse on the first day post-op than i did the day of surgery, because of that. i switched do acetaminophen yesterday afternoon and that was a much better time for it, it definitely doesnt dull the pain As well as percocet but it works well enough

the drains make me deeply paranoid and i haaate that i have to wear them two extra days because my surgeon rescheduled my post-op a week before surgery. theyve consistently only drained small amounts (and less each day) and i keep freaking out over the idea that theyre either clogged somewhere where i cant see/reach, Or that ive accidentally pulled them partially out of place when stripping them as directed

surgical binder is arguably even more annoying to me than the drains- starting on day 3 it started hiking up my chest constantly and putting unnecessary excess pressure on wherever it folded onto. and every time i readjusted it it would just slip back into the wrong place the next time i stood up or sat down. i was finally able to readjust it today in a way that it hasnt gotten messed up again, so thats a relief

for the first couple nights sleeping or even just lying down was fucking horrible. oxycodone would make me drowsy under an hour after taking it, but lying down or sitting back up from a lying down position would cause a sharp pulling feeling in my right side. i used wedge pillows and stacked more pillows on top of that, which sometimes helped but usually just made me sleep fitfully because i was on top of an uneven lumpy pile (oxycodone made that worse- i would get vivid, half-dream half-hallucination visions and sensations and drift in and out of sleep every 5-10 minutes until it wore off). the day after surgery, the first time i tried to sleep in my own bed, i woke up a few hours later to take my next dose of pain meds and the pain from prying myself out of bed was So excruciating that i spent a full half hour sitting on the edge of my bed trying to will myself to lay back down again. i eventually limped my way to the living room couch and fell asleep sitting up with my back leaning on some pillows. i still woke up once or twice an hour that night but had no pain from getting up or lying down. the next night i slept better- woke up even less-, and last night i braved my own bed again and it was nowhere near as painful as that first time… thank god for that

in general i seem to have been more awake/lucid/active than most ppl at this stage of top surgery? esp the first couple days, i spent a lot of time restlessly pacing around the hotel room (and later the apartment). obviously still doing my best to limit upper body movements and not get complacent with my slowly improving range of motion and overextend myself. at least walking around has been good for me in terms of minimizing blood clots in my legs…? and hopefully me being bad at falling asleep hasnt caused any notable issues with the healing process. hopefully.

scotty has been a little angel of a cat, he already is very gentle and avoids stepping on people (and if he does you can barely feel it). binx on the other hand, historically, loves clambering on top of my chest and he has no concept of his own weight and it hurts like hell, so ive been rebuffing his affection a lot the past few days and having to stop him from putting his paws on my chest and climbing on. which he is heartbroken about. absolutely mournful yowling in the halls

oh also my surgeon sent me a bunch of documents with instructions around what to do but the document says that i was given “nipple sparing double incision mastectomy” and the document occasionally mentions nipple care, and i assume this is just like, a generic form and they dont have a specific version of this document for ppl who opt to have nipples removed entirely, but im just gonna say rn if they left nipples on me after the surgeon and multiple other doctors+ nurses asked me directly half an hour before surgery to confirm that i did not want nipples, im going to go fucking crazy. i cant tell through the bandages if i have them or not- i don’t think i feel anything but im reluctant to poke around there too much

[frankendykez]

this is highly different from the usual posts i make, but im only posting this because i don;t have. anywhere else to really say it normally and in a way that doesnt seem like im purposely making the people around me discomforted. regular posting will go back after this, but for this vent post specifically tw for: mentions of (almost) sucide attempts and suicidal thoughts

i almost attempted quite a few nights ago. almost. i had the knife in my hand but pussied out last second. i'm glad i did. i thoguht the worst period of my life was roughyl around 13 to 15 or so, but even though i did have suicidal thoughts then and hid it all up with whimsy, i never got this close to an attempt. i don't know why i tried this, i don't want to die, i want to live and be happy and i am still trying to be happy and hopeful despite all of this, i am trying to be optimistic but i suppose despite my current belief (or something im trying to turn into a genuine belief) that my life is worth something, i guess i am just havig Quite The Year right now.

i want to live, you know, and i will live, im sure of that, i guess that one moment was a odd one off thing, if that makes sense. i know i will make it through whatever im going through, and i have a strong reason to keep on living --- it's for the people that i love, mainly, my friends. i don't want them to ever have to miss me, or to ever stay awake in bed during late night crying about my suicide. i want to die of old age, i want to be there for the people i love, my life really is just other people and honestly, i think any reason to live is a good reason to live, as long as it makes you happy and improtantly alive.

i am the most loved ive ever been in my current friendgroup (but i don't think they deserve to hear me vent about uncomfortable topics nor would they want to me which is understandable), i think, but "home" has been horrible. i don't know what to do with myself, everytime im out i dread going home, i don't think i've ever past a day without crying at least once, or getting irrationally angry at something minor. and things have happened in the past also affected the way i think, you know. sometimes i don't believe the love my friends have for me, even though i also at the same time i know its true. i know i deserve to be loved and i will do anything to be loved and in turn i love all my friends like they're my entire world, but it feels like my brain is at war with itself, one side being stupid irrational thoughts and actual logic. i often have breakdowns about "not being anyones best friend", and whenever i vent about this to a friend of mine, theyre always like "ur my best friend!!" and i want to believe them so badly and i kind of DO but i also don't, some annoying part of me just thinks theyre just... saying that. i suppose. its kind of silly to believe i was born a person, sometimes i feel like a vortex, always hungry for love, craving more than what im given. this is such a long paragraph already but i havent even describe the extent of my emotionality, which tbh i rather would not do. i already said too much anywyas. but also little enough taht i just sound like a whiny little bitch, tbh.

i dont know why i said so much, i think it was another attempt to make the few people that read this not worry much about me trying to attempt suicide again. but yeah, i was having a Time. god this barely makes sense lol. thanks for anyone who read tho no ones obligated to respond or interact. i got over it, it was a few days ago anyways. jus had to say it somewhere without making thigns in the friendgroup feel uncomforyable.

sometimes i wish i didnt live but im so fucking glad i did

sorry for this post you lot, promise thisll be the only one. love you guys even if i barely know u. i dont mean to sound like an attention seeker, i just need to say it somewhere, i guess. god i sound so stipid lmfao

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

pinkmoonmutual i think i have come to u about my adoring fixations on older men before. I woke up from a dream where I was hanging out with this guy I really like and it was so wonderful and perfect and exactly what I want from him....a very nice dream to have, and it fits into what ive been working on recently which is human relationships and figuring out what I want and how to have it... its difficult for me because I love people SO MUCH often after a very short amount of time, this is especially true of older people because I crave sibling affection I didn't get growing up but it happens with people my own age too. and ah idk I'm never sure how to express it to people because love and intensity are things most people only want and expect from romantic attraction. and I'm not opposed to that but especially with older men this becomes difficult because the people I love are not interested in dating people 10 years younger than them and really it would be inappropriate (this guy was my professor! not gonna happen!) and i just end up feeling really creepy and weird and not knowing what to do with this huge adoration and affection inside me. so tricky I really wish you could just be /in love/ with someone and tell them and have them see it as a nice thing and not me trying to get sex or romantic commitment from them. i wish i was a little dog so i could just curl up at his feet and have it be simple. guuuuhhhhhhhh honestly i just wanted to tell you about my crush. I only knew this guy for like a month and a half so its a bit silly but hes so pretty and smart and cool and really inspired me to live and pushed me in the direction im currently going. its just tricky tricky im probably over complicating it but do you think there's more to love than the relationships that people in our world expect? I love people like theyre a god TT .. even talking about it here feels vapid compared to how it is for me. anyway nice dream thanks universe and i hope the pinkmoonworld is nice today <3

i understand u <3 it is a vary nice day in pinkmoonworld thanku for the wish~~~i know this dilemma tho sigh , my thoughts below..

i always felt like my admiration of people was extreme & consuming , i still do to a certain extent its a big part of the reason WHY i became a bit withdrawn like i struggle w how attached i get to others. i dont want to ask for anything in return but i feel shame when people find me creepy lol. And even then, that shame isnt rly the reason i've become untrusting with my heart, cold ppl r the least of my worries, i understand them.. moreso it's dangerous for me when i encounter someone who recognizes i am This Way & instead of being plainly disinterested or aloof they consciously decide to Use my affections in a sinister manner for their own advantage. that's what's mainly caused me to bcome distant even tho i want to love those ppl too.

so despite distance i still need some outlet for these loveful feelings so i guess i've spent the past 5-ish years working on ways to be overly compassionate in a safer manner.. And a big part of that is that i rly find the purest form of love to be platonic love, when theres not really any expectations or prize for being close to someone yet u still are, that kind of love speaks the deepest to me. and it's funny because really shortly after i surrendered my quest for romantic love, like completely surrendered , is when i met SLIMBO, and thru my efforts to be a really good friend to them we ended up falling sooooooo deeply sincerely in love like nothing i;ve ever known. if we had rushed into a relationship idk if it wld be the same , like having it slowly blossom over the course of a few years w no pressure, it's the foundation upon which we could be SO deeply sure we would always be together.

So the way u speak of loving ur crush, i'd say, just continue to act kindly towards him and everyone else u encounter, with no expectations of them.. people really need this like i think everyone needs to know what it feels like to experience a True Friend a selfless friend. it's rare! i rarely meet anyone who i feel doesn't want *something* from me that i cant give them. and i dont even want to hold that against them! im just saying, what U feel is rare so u should embrace it. allow yourself to exude love as much as u can and that frequency will return to u, just like how it did for me and slimbo...And other friends ive made along the way ^_^ Follow you heart.. maybe he's older but who knows what could happen. i've dated ppl 10 years older than me cus i have always acted like grandpa. sometimes ppl will just see u for ur soul.

and maybe ur dream is pointing u in a right direction, idk, i confessed my love to slimbo a few days after having a dream that we held hands. Ofc we had been friends for 2 years by this point so the time felt right, not every dreams mean u should confess, but i feel like having a sweet dream such as that can be a sort of telepathic experience sometimes.. show a connection between you and him on the astral plane. Take time to enjoy life n enjoy having a crush too cus it can be really fun to feel that crazy over someone :] thats my thoughts.....good luck with your heart, PMD9 out !

[oinkymoo]

I saw you commenting on a lot of my celeste strawberry jam posts! how much of the mod have you completed?

all red berries in the first 4 lobbies, all silvers in the first 2 lobbies including beghs gold, 16/25 in advanced, 1/29 (im sure you can guess which) in expert. im currently suffering through my 3rd gm map, though i tore up my hand in a bike crash so ive been taking it easy the past few days.

I didnt put much thought into my routing through the first 3 lobbies, but i decided to do expert strictly from top to bottom starting about 4 maps in. there are 4 or 5 pairs that are a block of height apart and i had to use debug to determine which is higher, but somehow no 2 are at the exact same height.

The placement of the cracked maps makes such a plan infeasible for gm, so i went with a system of wheels. I started with 4 wheels, 1 with all the greens, 1 with all the yellows, 1 with all the reds, and one with all the cracked. The next map I play is determined by the green wheel, then that slot gets replaced by a random map from the yellow wheel, then that one from the red wheel, and that one from the cracked wheel. I got lava layer (took me longer and more deaths than all but a few maps) and flipside cliffside (took me longer and more deaths than any non-heartside map) as my first 2, then drifting deep as my third. its listed as yellow but im on room 8 and im already past my exhs time and probably also deaths