#which i'm not sure is OCD or not

[crimeronan]

Luz borrowing Hunter's scroll to call Amity after she sleep spells him because even though Hunter's breathing and she can feel him breathing, "Sleep followed by petrification" was Belos' "Humane" way of putting down Hunter and she's A Little Bit Crazy and Traumatized so she's like "I need someone here who can Fight Me to the death if it seems like I'm going snap and try to petrify him. Amity can you come to my room and spend the night please I need you to protect Hunter from me :(((("

i've had a couple friends with OCD talk about how strongly they see themselves in AU luz & nowhere has the evidence Ever been stronger than in this ask.

luz. baby.

you have OCD.

[ratbastarddotfuck]

the OCD demons have been suspiciously quiet the last few days, I should have known they were gearing up to launch a co-ordinated attack the moment I didn't have direct access to my bags LMFAO

[lusalemaart]

[4lph4kidz]

drawing my favorite fictional characters as squinkly little chibis instead of doing a deep dive into their character flaws and shortcomings is a moral failing on my part and so is thinking it would be nice if they had some closure. wanting anything other than the outcome ordained by the author is actually a fundamental failure to understand the text which is extremely purposeful in its rejection of conventional narratives and challenging ideas about storytelling. in fact i was wrong to actually like the characters or the story at all

[undead-potatoes]

Sorry for all the bummer posts lately, my mental health is just *toilet flushing sounds* at the moment, and I really should know better than to vent everything on here by now

It comes and goes in waves too, so one moment I feel like everything is bad and will never be good again, and then 5 minutes later I'm here like "well that was a whole lot of something over a whole lot of nothing, how silly", literally just this gif

[aroceu]

my mindset toward myself has recently gone from "I'm an unlikable person" to "it is normal for not everyone to like me - as well as it is normal for there to be people who dislike me - when I am unapologetic about who I am" and honestly I love that for me

[cold--carnage]

grrrrr voicemail

[leftmysoulbythesideoftheroad]

someone: lol you learned how to clean from someone with ocd huh?

me: [unsent] yeah my ocd doesn't really care about that because it's too busy telling me that i'm going to slip in the shower and die so it's better to just not shower, since discomfort with uncleanliness is secondary to my overwhelming and constant fear of death lurking around every

me: [sent] lol yeah

[lesenbyan]

Me: maybe I don't have OSDD. Maybe I'm just faking. I can't hear any voices but my own and no one else takes full executive control and intermittent OCD might just mean I'm faking that and-

Me: finds aphantasia posts in the DID subreddit

Me: oh. maybe I do have osdd. ok.

[bloomingbluebell]

so mad at the thing in my brain that makes me freak out whenever there is something gorey or honestly just medically gross like. do you know how many games, movies, and TV shows are entirely inaccessible to me because of this? how many i've had to stop watching because they went a bit too hard in the gore/body horror department? how much money i spent on games i'll never play again? (regretfully looks at resident evil 7 and 8 in my steam library. at least 7 was on sale)

[sureuncertainty]

at least now i've gone through an important tumblr rite of passage, watching a longtime mutual become a radfem :/

[kindheartedgummybears]

Are the neurotypicals in the room with us?

[caffeinatedopossum]

Events of last night:

Me: *crying*

My girlfriend: what's wrong?? :(

Me: *struggling to form words* intrusive thoughts are bad... I don't want to talk about them because then I'm scared that they're true and you might think I'm awful

My girlfriend: ah I actually get that. I have those a lot. It doesn't mean anything though, intrusive thoughts are just like dreams. Like the things you do in them aren't really things you want to do, it's just stuff your brain comes up with.

[starscreamwastaken]

I have this thing where I feel content in a super messy environment, and equally content in a super organized environment, and Extremely stressed and uncomfortable in any environment in between. What do I even do with that?

[sometimesraven]

Intrusive

Fandom: Quantum Leap 2022 POV: Jenn Chou

Summary: Jenn has vivid intrusive thoughts triggered by the state of the world and her own personal history. Ian has excellent timing.

(TW r*pe, transphobia and death mentions)

AO3 link

Through everything, Jenn could never tell Ian how scared she was.

It started when she was just a kid. Living in one too many rough neighbourhoods made her hypervigilant, that was no secret, but it was the fears that kept her up at night more than the sound of movement outside her window ever could.

Losing people was par for the course of growing up and changing, she knew that. Somehow that didn’t make it hurt any less. Didn’t reassure her when her mind was insistent on telling her just how many things could be happening to her friends while she slept. Didn’t stop her checking and double checking the security measures she put in Quantum Leap or breathing a sigh of relief when Ian texted “you awake?” at three in the morning.

When you lose enough people, it’s not long before you start to expect it. To plan for it, even.

The problem was that Jenn couldn’t prepare for everything. When she was a kid it was stupid stuff, like worrying someone would get stabbed and she wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. That was when she learned first aid, so she’d be prepared.

As she grew up, she realised the things she had to fear the most were not so simple.

That was how she found herself here, crying silently against her pillow in the dark as her mind played scenario after scenario. Ian was trans. Trans people were getting killed almost systematically. Jenn had never been able to fight the system. Ian would be murdered, and it would be some place and time she wasn’t there to save them.

Fuck, why was she thinking like this? It was like her mind got off on seeing awful shit happen to the people she loved most. Got off. Oh god what if one day Ian was jumped by some creep—

“Fuck off!” The words were hissed out loud, trying desperately to shut off the vivid, disgusting imagery in her head. Disgusting fucking creep fantasising about your best friend like this. Never mind murder: here’s what will happen when Ian finds out the sick thoughts you keep having about them.

The image of Ian’s face twisted in disgust, their raised voice, turning their back on her… Somehow it hurt just as bad as the rest of her thoughts and she was sobbing again, choking back cries as she fought to keep silent for no reason other than habit.

“Jenn?” Fuck, was she full-on hallucinating now? Ian’s voice seemed to be coming from down the hall and it wasn’t until the click of her front door being closed and the familiar cadence of Ian’s footsteps began to draw closer that she remembered she’d given them a key. “Hope it’s okay I let myself in, I know you said it was but-.. but you know. You awake?”

Jenn stayed silent, biting back more tears. They were going to find her here and realise how disgusting she was and everything was about to come true, oh god… maybe if she stayed quiet enough they’d think she was sleeping.

“Aw.” Ian’s coo was whispered as they entered her bedroom, seeing her curled up there with her back to them. They immediately quietened their own movements; soft rustling of clothes being shed and bare feet tip-toeing on carpet. The bed shifted as they slowly lowered themself beside her, sitting up against the headboard with a sigh. “Couldn’t sleep,” they whispered, “You know how I get, I cou-couldn’t stop freaking out. I was totally sure I left the window open no matter how many times I locked it and re-locked it.”

There was a quiet huff of laughter and Jenn bit down on her lip to stay silent. They were so sweet, venting to her like this even when she couldn’t hear. Too sweet to be anywhere near her. It wasn’t fair on them.

“I know you can’t hear me but I’m-.. glad I’ve got you. Not everyone would open their home to a crazy person like this.”

Jenn tried to bite down on the sob that rose unbidden, but her body trembled with the force of it even as no sound came out and she knew the game was up — Ian was far too observant. She felt them still and heard their head turn to look at her; could practically feel their brow pinch in concern, “…Jenn? I’m so sorry, I-I thought you were asleep, are you okay?”

“Can’t stop thinking,” she whispered, the confession spilling unbidden like her own subconscious was testing the limits of Ian’s patience just to sabotage her.

What if you get in a fight right now and you make them kill themself? Jenn had barely finished speaking before the vivid scenario presented itself and she whimpered, curling into herself in embarrassment as another wave of tears hit her. Ian sighed in sympathy, gently pulling her up and into their chest to cuddle in a warm, soothing embrace.

“We’re both having a shitty night, huh?” they murmured, pressing a comforting kiss to the top of her head as she hid like a child in their arms. “You know you can talk to me, right.”

Jenn shook her head, inwardly chastising herself for how pathetic she was being. Ian had taken her off guard, caught her vulnerable — nobody was supposed to do that. She didn’t do emotions and everyone knew it and now here she was acting like a fucking five year old in front of the one person she cared about more than anyone. It was pathetic but she couldn’t stop, her sobbing only growing heavier by the second. “Not this. You’ll hate me.”

“Oh, Jenn…” Why we’re they being so soft with her? She wanted to beat the shit out of— god, no, why would she think that? “I could never hate you.”

“Bullshit,” she hissed without thinking, shoving against them so they’d let her go and glaring at them as she scrubbed the tears from her eyes, “You’ll hate me eventually. Everyone does.”

Ian didn’t waver for a second, their gaze still so sympathetic and affectionate as they watched her. “I know that feels true right now, but I promise it’s not.”

“Stop it!” God, she was acting like a spoilt teenager. She felt like a kid again. What the fuck was wrong with her? “Stop being so nice all the time! You wanna know what I was thinking about? You. Dead and raped and beat up. It won’t fucking stop, it just gets worse the more the world does and I fucking hate it!”

Frustratingly, Ian’s gaze only softened even further, their own eyes sparkling with empathy, “That’s— Jenn, why would I hate you for that? Look at you: you’re all torn up, I- I understand, you know?”

“No you don’t!” Jenn was borderline hysterical now, hands tangling in her hair. She’d ruined it; ruined everything by telling them all of this and she still wouldn’t shut up. “I want to hurt you right now, I— I need— I can’t—“

Her hands began to beat at her head of their own accord, trying to smack the thoughts away, and Ian quickly reached to move them away even as she struggled and screamed, the panic breaking somewhere in her mind. “No! I deserve this, I deserve to die I can’t— I can’t do this I can’t lose you I—“

Ian only pulled her close again, wrapping themself around her despite how hard she struggled and cried in the hopes the pressure would ground her somewhat. They hushed her quietly, tears rolling down their own face now as they breathed quiet reassurances. “It’s okay. I promise it’s okay. I’ve got you and I’m not going anywhere.”

Jenn didn’t know how long it took before she ran out of steam. Ian’s arms around her, the warmth of their chest and their cheek against her head were more comforting than she wanted to admit as she managed to calm herself to whimpering sobs, her body trembling as she clung to them for dear life. “It’s not fair…”

“No, it’s not.” Somehow, despite how vague and dramatic she’d been, Ian seemed to understand. They always understood.

“I don’t want to lose you, I—“ Jenn’s voice broke and trailed away, sniffling.

“I know…” Ian’s own voice shook even as they reassured her, but somehow that was comforting too. To share in the fear knowing they had each other… it was more important than anything Ian could do for her. She clung just a little closer, disappearing into them as it finally hit how lucky she was to have them. How desperately she needed them to stay even when she tried so hard to push them away.

Jenn could never tell Ian how scared she was. At least, not always. Now, at least, they figured out a system. Ian still texted late at night, or dropped by to check on her if they were feeling particularly bad. They did, however, have an idea.

The next time Jenn lay awake, pillow dampening and mind racing with nightmare scenarios, she picked up her phone and sent a simple text.

[Text to: Kitten] u alive?

[Text from: Kitten] yeah. be there in 5 xxx

[resonabilis-echo]

i think i might have ocd