#and i cant ever be comfortable with me living that reality even when *this reality* is a waking nightmare

[caffeinatedopossum]

Events of last night:

Me: *crying*

My girlfriend: what's wrong?? :(

Me: *struggling to form words* intrusive thoughts are bad... I don't want to talk about them because then I'm scared that they're true and you might think I'm awful

My girlfriend: ah I actually get that. I have those a lot. It doesn't mean anything though, intrusive thoughts are just like dreams. Like the things you do in them aren't really things you want to do, it's just stuff your brain comes up with.

[kuroosdarling]

WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR — ༉‧₊˚.

ft. roomie!mattsun !

꒰ SYNOPSIS ꒱ : working at a funeral home can take its toll. aka mattsun comes home after a bad day at work.

꒰ CONTENTS ꒱ : hurt/comfort, pining, cigarette smoking, mentions of death, mattsun has the beginnings of an existential crisis : WC — 1.7k

꒰ NOTES ꒱ : i wanted to take a closer look at mattsun & readers relationship. it was going to be more suggestive but i wanted to show a diff side of their relationship :3 enjoy !!

reblogs and interactions are always appreciated ! (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)♡*.ﾟ

it was one of those days that felt too quiet. living with mattsun and makki ensured living a life that was always full of laughter, full of life. but there were certain days where it felt like the earth stood still.

days when mattsun would come home from work, the light shifted from his eyes as he was off in a far off space that neither you nor makki could pull him from. one where he would slip through the halls, directly to the balcony, and with a shaky hand — he’d light his cigarette.

he loved his job, he always told you guys that. but you also knew that some days took a toll. one where he had to remove himself from reality a bit just to cope with whatever horror he had to deal with. because when you’re dealing with the dead, it’s hard not to let it seep into your soul.

“think he’ll be okay?” you ask makki. the two of you seated on the couch with some show playing in the background. but your conjoined attention was on him, even though you tried your best not to make it obvious.

“he always pulls through.” he nods. but you can tell in his eyes he’s just as worried. usually makki could crack a joke or two and bring a smile back out on his face, but when he tried today, he was met with a blank stare. “maybe you’ll have better luck breaking through to him.”

“huh? why?” you ask, pivoting your body towards him. “you already tried and it didn’t work. what makes you think i’d have better luck?”

“well, for starters, you are fucking him.” he said nonchalantly. the heat rose to your face as you reached for the nearest pillow, throwing it at his face. he easily dodged it as it flew past, hitting the blinds and ultimately, the glass door to the balcony mattsun was still standing on.

you gulp as mattsun turns to look at the commotion inside, his attention now fully on you instead of wherever distant place it was before. you offer him a small smile before he turns back around, taking another drag of his cigarette.

“i cant believe you said that.” you hissed out at makki who could only laugh.

“oh, was it supposed to be a secret? you guys are not very subtle then.” he giggled before he peeked outside again. “but now you’ve done it, so why don’t you go out there?”

“you really think he’ll want to talk to me?” your voice was small, insecurity closing around your throat. makki offered you a genuine look, one that told you more than words ever could.

“yeah. i really do.”

with that, you make your way outside while makki retreats into his bedroom. you open the door and you’re met with a gust of wind that has you stumbling outside.

“watch your step.” mattsun muttered before sticking the cigarette back in his mouth. it was clear he was frustrated, the wind constantly blowing out his cigarette certainly didn’t help either.

he goes to light it again, the lighter stubbornly refusing to work. he let out a loud groan, throwing the cigarette beside him on the ground before pocketing the lighter. you almost wince.

“issei-“ you coo, getting closer.

“what?” his voice wasn’t harsh but it wasn’t his usual laid back tone either. everything in you wanted to rush back inside and hide out in your room.

“you wanna talk about it?” you ask softly, standing next to him as you both look out at the city. he glances at you quickly before looking back out there.

“not really.”

“okay.” you nod, still not moving. after a few moments of silence, you feel mattsun shift, his forehead crashing down against your shoulder as he leans against you for support. you almost jump at the sudden contact.

“it was just a bad day.” he sighed, his breath tickling your skin. “a long week, really. it felt more busier than usual. so many families to talk to, so many things to do to prepare the bodies, i’m just exhausted.”

and you could hear it in his voice. his earlier clipped tongue melted into something softer and syrupy sweet. one that tugged at your heart.

“i’m sorry ‘sei, that sounds like a lot.” you keep your voice light as you pivot your body around to hold onto him better. you could tell he’s been holding this in for far too long.

“that’s not all.” his chin rested on your shoulder now and you knew he was looking far off again. “something else happened today when they brought a new body in that pushed me over the edge.”

“what was it?” for a moment, he didn’t answer, trying to summon up the words he desperately wanted to say. you could tell he was twisting them around in his mouth before he spewed it all out in one breath.

“they couldn’t identify the body for awhile. they kept saying it was a jane doe coming in. and then she came in, all covered up and her hair—“ he swallowed thickly. “looked just like yours.”

“oh.” was all you could say before he kept going.

“i thought-“ his arms tightly wound around you. “i don’t really know what i thought. i knew it wasn’t you, but there was just a voice that kept saying, what if? and i freaked out. i could barely do it.”

“hey, it’s okay.” you rub his back soothingly, letting him fall apart a little bit. you squeeze him back so tightly to try and mend him back together. and part of you almost believes it works. “i’m okay, you’re okay.”

“days like these i hate my job because it just puts too much in perspective. i try not to have a negative outlook on life but it’s hard when all i see everyday is how it ends.” he sighs as your fingers find his hair, smoothing through the small, tangled waves that have taken refugee.

“what’s that one quote? it’s not the destination, it’s the journey?” your voice as a light lilt to it that has him letting out an amused scoff. “i’m sorry you had a rough week, issei. your job is a heavy one and i know it’s hard to remain optimistic. but it’s a hell of a reminder that you’re alive right now and you can make the best of it. we’ll make every day count, even if it’s something as simple as eating our favorite foods. okay? you’re not alone.”

he lets out a soft hum in response and everything’s quiet for a moment. even the wind simmers down into a softer breeze while issei finds sanctuary in your arms. it’s a rare sight seeing him like this — one that never failed to tear at your heartstrings, clipping them one by one until it relents and falls right into his hands.

“thank you.” he sighs out, straightening up and loosening his hold on you. it’s sickening how much you already miss the closeness, and it only grows worse as he steps back and out of reach. “i needed that.”

“anytime.” you bite back the ‘that’s what friends are for’ line you’d normally use because you’re pretty sure you’ve crossed that line. plus that could potentially start a whole new conversation that you weren’t ready to open just yet.

issei takes out a fresh cigarette and successfully lights it this time, a look of brief satisfaction taking over his features. you almost want to remind him that there’s a better use for his oral fixation but decide against it as you watch him inhale.

there was still something swirling around in the air, mixing itself within the smoke before drifting away from your grasp. no matter how hard you fought to hold onto it, it wasn’t yours to take. the question sits on your tongue, marinating with your thoughts as it takes you further and further away from him.

“so, what’s up with you?” issei’s voice breaks the silence, shattering the glass wall you were desperately trying to build a second ago.

“what do you mean?” you tilt you head, hoping to feign innocence long enough for him to drop the loaded question and move on.

“it’s just—“ he looks at you, studying you for a moment with his slightly narrowing eyes as if he was trying to peer into your very soul, piercing through your skin so he can see what truly lies under it. “you seem unsure lately.”

“what would i have to be unsure about?” you breath out so quickly all the words melt together.

“you tell me.” those three words sent your mind reeling. leave it to him to stir up all your thoughts, all the ones you tried hiding between the lines.

“its nothing.” you sigh. “i was just worried about you this week, that’s all.”

“that’s all?”

“yep.” you brace yourself to look back at him and almost wish you didn’t. a chill that had nothing to do with the wind ran down your back, almost nudging you closer to him. but you steel yourself, holding his gaze. “that’s all.”

“okay then.” he sighs, turning around so he’s facing the glass door to your apartment. “let’s just order take out and hang out then.”

the invitation was so simple. something that felt practiced, routine. every cell in your body was ready to agree to it without a second thought but something stopped you. how deep were you willing to go for him without a promise of more? and why did it seem like the length was endless, you’d free fall even if he wasn’t there to catch you. and the thought scared you to your core.

something had to be done though, you couldn’t keep trying to tread this riptide. maybe if you took some space from him, tried going on a date with someone else…

you shake the thought from your head. regardless of what should be done, it wasn’t the time right now. mattsun was standing in between the glass door waiting for you with a foot on either side. the small smile growing on his face filled you with so much warmth, dousing another level of confusion to your swamped mind.

“yeah.” you nod, making your way to the door. “better tell makki though, i have a hunch he’s been feeling left out lately.”

taglist : @otoyastoy @deliqwuette @seisitive @zorosdimples @petriquors @misfit-megumi @the-tenth-shadow @bokutone @justsomeoneyoudontknow @sleepysnorlaxsblog @sugurini @himboos

[bridgyrose]

Weiss sank her sharp teeth into the roasted chicken that Ruby had brought for her, a small moan leaving her lips as her tail wagged. She savored the taste with each bite while trying to keep herself from tearing into it as her instincts wanted. “This is better than what I’ve had in months!” 

“What do you normally eat then?” Ruby asked as she sat down next to Weiss. 

“Rabbits, deer… and sometimes when I’m close enough to a village I’ll trade favors for food. Stuff like doing chores for people or killing grimm.” 

“Then why not stay closer to the villages? Sounds like you get a good deal out of it.” 

“Because I’m a monster as far as any of them are concerned.” Weiss took another ravenous bite of her chicken. “And besides, its hard to keep myself looking human enough to not draw attention to me being a werewolf.” 

Ruby nodded and watched Weiss. “So how exactly did you get like”- she motioned her hands around Weiss- “like this?” 

Weiss paused mid bite as she looked at Ruby. She slowly lowered her chicken and sighed as she pulled up a sleeve to show the scarred bite mark. “It… was a training accident. No one knew that one of the students I was training with was a wolf and… well… you saw how I reacted to getting touched by a little silver. I’m sure you can imagine what would happen if I’m struck with it.” 

“Training… were you training to be a huntress?” 

“I was. Father didnt like it, but it felt like the right path for me at the time. But after I was bit and shifted the following full moon, I ran away from home. I tried to go back a couple years after to take the exam to get into one of the academies, but there ended up being another full moon the night before and… well… I ended up attacking someone.” 

“I’m sorry,” Ruby said quietly. “How… how long have you been on your own then?” 

“About ten years.” Weiss went back to eating her chicken, practically crunching on the bones. “Long enough for me to take up my own training and work on my own.” 

“Must be rough.” 

Weiss shrugged and finished off the chicken she’d been given. She licked her lips and took a deep breath to try to focus on her human form, feeling her ears and tail disappear for the moment. Even after years of trying to pass as human, the form still felt foreign to her. And yet, it still felt more comfortable to be in around Ruby. Not that she ever felt uncomfortable around her in the hours since they first met. 

A small blush crossed her cheeks as she thought a bit more about Ruby. The girl was easy to talk to, didnt seem to be scared of her being a wolf, and cute to top it all off. “What about you? Did you train to be a huntress?” 

“I did,” Ruby answered. “Everyone in my family trained to be a huntsman. My sister and I attended Beacon together, though she went off with her girlfriend after we graduated. My mom and dad were on the same team too when they were in training, and the stories he told me of her made me want to be the huntress I am today.” 

“You do realize that means hunting down monsters like me, right?” 

“Well, yes, but… monsters like you are still people. You deserve to live a peaceful life, even if it means you cant be near the kingdoms.” 

Weiss smiled a bit and looked away from Ruby as her blush started to fade. “If only others could be like you. But the reality is that nobody wants anything that resembles a monster or a grimm nearby. And even if people were okay with me here, it wouldnt matter once the full moon came around. I… I still lose control.” 

“Then why not stay here with me until you have control?” 

Weiss went quiet as she looked over at Ruby again, not quite sure what to think. It’d be nice to have a place to call home, even if it’d only be for a while. But the thought of sharing a home with Ruby, staying with someone as kind as her… 

Her blush came back as she looked away, voice cracking briefly as she spoke. “I-I couldnt… I might hurt you on the full moon or bring people to you that might want to hurt you for taking me in-” 

“It’ll be fine,” Ruby said with a smile, offering a hand to Weiss. “I have a cabin in Patch that we can stay at. Far enough away from people that you wont be bothered and there’s plenty of space so when the full moon comes around, you can keep your distance if you’re that worried.” 

Weiss slowly reached for Ruby’s hand, tempted by the offer. A place to finally call home. A place she could finally be at peace and left alone for a few months. And yet, she couldnt find it in her to take Ruby’s hand, to take the offer that she was given. She slowly pulled her hand away, almost lingering until clutched her cloak. “I-I want to, but I cant.” 

“I dont understand. You could finally have the peace you want-” 

“And all I’d do is hurt you.” Weiss closed her cloak and pulled the hood over. “I should go. I wouldnt want you to get in trouble for being with me.” 

Ruby reached out to Weiss. “W-wait! Weiss!” 

Weiss pulled away as she felt Ruby’s fingers brush against her shoulder, her body freezing for just a moment as she took a quick look back at Ruby before running off into the woods. She felt her heart race the further she went, a few tears running down her cheeks at the thought of avoiding Ruby. But if it was the only way to keep her safe, then so be it. 

She’d avoid Ruby for as long as she’d need.

Prev

[seungified]

let the light in ౨ৎ lee heeseung + fem reader genre best friends to lovers wc 1.02k warnings kissing , mention of food.

heeseung drove up to your house at exactly 7:30 pm, smile plastered on his face as he honked the horn. his smile somehow grew even bigger as he watched you stumble out of your house and into the passenger seat of his car.

“in a rush?” he giggles as he hands you the coffee he bought for you. you roll your eyes and take the coffee.

“shut the hell up, i hate you,” you take a sip of the coffee, it was your exact order, of course heeseung would remember.

“you love me.” heeseung smiles as he pulls out of your driveway, reminding you of the internal conflict that you were facing. heeseung was absolutely right, you do love him, but will you ever admit to it? hell no.

when you had problems, heeseung was the first person you’d run to ever since becoming friends with him back in 9th grade, but you couldn’t ever bring this one up to him.

it was right after you left for college that you realized your feelings for heeseung. you were sitting with your roommate, minjeong in a starbucks and you somehow got onto the topic of high school friends.

“i had a few close friends,” you say, taking a sip of your coffee. “but i was probably closest with my friend heeseung.”

“you talk about him a lot,” the other girl says, giggling and raising her brows. “you sure he’s just a friend?”

“what?” you say furrowing your brows. “me and hee are just friends.” you laugh.

minjeong keeps talking about her high school friends, but you aren’t really listening. you keep thinking about what she said, replaying your memories with heeseung. all those times those old people mistook him as your boyfriend, all the times you’d be upset when he would mention another girl, the way heeseung made you feel was never just friendly.

a week later you laid awake in your bed, still thinking about your new realization.

“minjeong,” you whisper. “are you up?”

“yeah, i cant sleep.” she says, rolling over to look at you.

“i think i’m in love with heeseung.” minjeong just smiles and turns back over.

“i fucking knew it.”

you giggle at the memory. minjeong is still your roommate back at your university and reminds you to confess your feelings almost every single time you mention visiting your hometown.

“what’s so funny?” heeseung asks, snapping you back into reality.

“nothing, i was just thinking about my roommate.” you say, finishing off your cup of coffee.

“i always miss you so much when you leave.” heeseung says, catching you slightly off guard, heat rises too your face.

“i-i miss you too.” you stutter out, smiling nervously.

“i kinda hate that you go to collage so far away, i miss sneaking over to your house at night.” heeseung says, you start laughing. “what? i miss our movie nights!” you both are laughing now.

“well then why don’t we do a movie night tonight? just like when we were in high school?” you suggest, heeseungs face lights up.

after driving around for a little over twenty minutes, you stop at a convenience store for snacks and then head to heeseungs place.

you walk into the apartment that you had become pretty familiar with all the times you’ve visited in the past year. you loved heeseungs apartment because it’s always so comfortable and warm when it starts to get cold. you flop on the couch in the spacious living room.

“hee, i missed your couch so much! it’s so comfortable.” heeseung smiles and sits next to you on the couch, putting his arm around you, your cheeks flush pink. you guys eventually decide on watching train to busan, getting comfortable beside each other.

in the middle of the movie you start to get tired. “hee, can i lay on your lap?” you nervously ask, looking at him.

“yeah of course, get comfortable.” heeseung says, lightly pushing your shoulder into him a little more, you lay down on his lap. soon enough, heeseung’s hands are playing with your hair, and you fall asleep.

when you wake up, heeseung is smiling down at you. “hey sleepyhead,” he says, you groan in response. “i wanna show you something, get up.”

you both get up and heeseung leads you out of his apartment and eventually out onto the roof. he takes you to the edge and tells you to look out. off into the distance, you can see the now small lights of seoul from heeseung’s apartment.

“wow hee, this is beautiful.” you smile. your mind screams at you, tonight is the night!! tell him!!

“everytime i miss you a little too much, i just come up here and look at seoul to try and remind myself that you aren’t that far away.” your mind can’t take this anymore, you turn to heeseung,

“hee, i really need to tell you something.” you say, the wind blowing your hair perfectly and the light of the moon shining on you making you look dreamlike to heeseung.

“me too honestly.”

“you can go first.” you say, smiling.

“y/n… you’re my best friend,” you nod. “but i cant help but feel like we both want to be more than best friends.” you don’t know what to say, is heeseung saying he feels the same? “what i’m trying to say is that i am in love with you y/n, and i have been since the day we met in 9th grade.” you can’t help the tears that flow from your eyes as you take in what he told you. “it’s ok if you don’t-”

you quickly cut him off by pulling him in for a kiss, a kiss you didn’t even know you’ve been waiting for 8 years. you smile as you pull away from him.

“i’m in love with you too heeseung.” you both smile and heeseung pulls you into a tight hug.

“i’m so glad you feel the same,” he says. “you trying to watch another movie?”

“always.”

[cmkren]

Light ‘Em Up, Buttercup.

Chishiya Shuntaro x Gn! Reader;

Chishiya always gave you little DIY trinkets, though you were perplexed, you accepted them. Cherished them. Today, you seemed upset. It also happened that today, he finally wanted to tell you how he felt. How he could feel a storm brewing amongst this false paradise that was The Beach, and how he wanted to tell you before he could lose you to this place and its madness. Tell you that he, Chishiya Shuntaro, loved you with all his being.

a/n; no warnings really needed! Some fluff (chishiya’s a real lover boy in this one), awkward chishiya cause that man has no rizz you cant tell me otherwise,,, oh n’ niragi’s mentioned a little, a lil cheesy but bare w me 💔

The first time he gifted you something, it was just about a month into knowing Chishiya. He hadn’t known it then, but about then was where the sparks of a flame were slowly being ignited. A flame that he couldn’t put out, as much as he tried to force it down his stomach.

As much as he tried to smother it with the lid of reality— that this utopia they lived in was nothing but a farce.

All of the Beach’s residents never seemed to realize it, well except for a handful. Most were the executives though, or people Chishiya spoke to directly. Like Kuina. But you, you were one of the exceptions. That’s what he found refreshing about you, someone who didn’t run from reality— as crude as it was. That was what he liked about you.

It was why he liked you.

The first thing he’d given to you was a shiv, a crudely crafted blade that had its own little sheath he, too, created. His background gave him steady hands, it was no hassle to sew together some scrap pieces of leather together to create a hold for the pocket-sized weapon. Sure it wasn’t the best weapon in terms of effectiveness, but he had hoped that someday it would come in handy.

To say that he had a part in your survival, it gave him a sense of security and comfortability. Along with a smidgen of pride.

The idea to give you a shiv had popped into his head when he saw the way Niragi looked at you. He’d just been strolling by, but he saw the way his brow raised in interest, the slight purse of his lips that quirked up into a bit of a smile. No matter what had crossed through his mind at that moment, Chishiya didn’t care.

The fact that you caught Niragi’s eye was all that he needed to feel the frown creep up on his face. Of course, before anyone could give anything a second thought he managed to distract him and his prying eyes.

But both of them weren’t dumb.

Something had happened just there. Something neither men could wrap their heads around— mainly Chishiya. Niragi now knew you were of some importance to the smug bastard, and Chishiya couldn’t figure out why he cared. Him, who only ever cared about himself, doing something out of his way to help someone out. Even though he probably just worsened the chance of guaranteed safety for you.

The day right after that, Chishiya approached you with the same nonchalance he did daily. But today, he pulled something out of his pocket that surprised you.

“For you. Protect yourself, don’t be careless and die here. It’d be a rather pathetic death, dying out here than in a game that was purposefully designed to kill you.” For many, being spoken to like that would probably be off-putting. Maybe a little bit offensive. But you had just let out an airy chuckle, your uncertainty showing through your laugh.

“How charming.” Was what you said, taking the unknown object into the palm of your hand.

Seeing as you seemed a little confused, he piped up again, looking down at the sheathed shiv then at you, “it fits in your pocket— it’s a makeshift blade. I made it. Don’t say I never did anything for you—”

“Thank you.”

He stared at you for a moment, seeing the small smile on your face. It was one that found some amusement in this display of… well, he wasn’t sure what it was. All he knew was that, with the way you looked at him, he felt this fluttering in his stomach. Perhaps he ate something wrong not too long ago.

That must have been… weeks ago now. Every week he came up with something new to gift you. Not all of them were shabby trinkets he created himself, like for example once he gave you a lighter. Where he gets these things, no one knows. But him, of course.

Though as weeks dwindled and passed by, he knew it was only a matter of time before shit hit the fan.

He already had his plan mapped out, the only person he trusted to work in this was Kuina. Why not you? Because for the slightest chance they might fuck up, he didn’t want you caught in the crossfire.

After a hectic day, he found his way to you. Ever since he figured out how to make bombs, he thought, why can’t he make something with the same technology to make you happy? Or at least, to provide a show. He even figured out a way to get them coloured. Of course, he didn’t have enough materials or knowledge to go beyond that but he thought he refined his craft pretty well.

So when he tried to find you, and you weren’t in your usual spots, he felt a pit forming in his stomach.

He didn’t dare call out your name, only searching for you in quiet. Had you finally been taken? Or… did you not come back from a game? Was this Niragi’s doing? Who would be out to get you?—

“Chishiya.”

His head whipped around, pieces of hair briefly flying into his face. He staggered a little, just a bit out of breath from his frantic searching. Right. Here on the roof top, a place he had personally introduced you to. A place where no one knew you could go.

In an attempt to regain his composure, he let out a little cough. “You— why are you up here?” He spoke out, brows furrowing just a little at his own words that sounded a little colder than he meant them to be.

An amused scoff left you, as you approached him, the moonlight and dim lights of the rooftop being the only light source, “I needed the fresh air.” You breathed out, a somber look on your face. At the moment, he figured it out. You must know it too, a mutual understanding you both have.

How this place had reached its due date.

He’d never been the one for distractions. To wallow in your own self pity and pretending that something wasn’t there when it clearly was. But for you, he’d indulge just a little.

“I kept up with my weekly quota, as promised,” a promise he created himself. Out of his pockets, each of his hands pulled out two dynamite looking sticks. Thin enough to be sandwiched between his fingers. “Fireworks, impressive, right?” He spoke with just a bit of smugness to his tone. That wasn’t really a question he needed answering to. Either way, whatever your answer would’ve been it didn’t matter.

The way your eyes lit up as you let out an audible gasp, already fiddling with your pockets for (presumably) your lighter was enough of an answer for him.

“You’re amazing! I mean— first the bombs and now fireworks? What can’t you do? Oh my god, you should totally make me a little robot thing—” as you blabbered, he already made his way to place the fireworks a good distance away from where they’d plan to sit and watch. A little bit of a smile on his face.

When everything got set up, he gestured towards the fireworks. “What are you waiting for? Don’t tell me you’re scare—”

Tsssssss.

A boisterous laugh escaped you as you immediately grabbed him by his arm, having gone out of the way to light them up as he was in the middle of taunting you.

What did this remind him of?

This reminded him of those cheesy romance dramas, the moment where the main characters confessed their love under the fireworks. While he never understood that, he couldn’t keep his eyes off of you. The happy look in your eye, the way you held his arm, how you reminded him of him just a little but be on an entirely different plane from him as well.

As the first firework set off, he saw how your turned around and he could see the bright light cascade over the glimmer of your eyes. How the light in your eyes shone brighter than any firework he could manufacture.

At that moment, for the first time in his time being in this twisted land, he didn’t think. “I love you.” He whispered out, not even paying attention to the light show as he watched how your expression shifted. How your eyes met his in that moment, the way your expression went from amazement to surprise.

Maybe it was too quick to say something like that. But in this lawless land, what did he gain from holding onto every little thing he wanted to say and do?

Over the loud booming of the fireworks, he tried to speak as much as he could. Saying that he wasn’t entirely sure what he was feeling, or how it even happened, but all he knew was that he fell. Hard. And that he wanted nothing but to see you alive— protect you even though deep down, he knew you were capable on your own.

You couldn’t even hear him. How were you supposed to, with those fireworks? But he still kept speaking. With tears in your eyes, you could only let out a choked laugh as you cupped his face with your hands and pulled him into a kiss.

“Oh shut up, just for once.” You laughed, briefly separating to only pull him back in again.

He could only think about how soft you felt against him, your warm hands creating this sorts of contrast against his cold skin. Was this really love? He didn’t know. But one thing he did know for certain, as he finally planted his hands on your hips;

like those fireworks, you lit up his night sky.

[beesmygod]

i know an anon suggested ocd to you the other day, and i didn't see the original message but i know it was a bit fraught. but i am a longtime follower who has ocd who also thinks you may have ocd. and with the reblog you just did i'm like well, maybe i can say a little bit.

i've been sitting on sending a message for a long time because (1) trying to diagnose someone on anon is so fucking weird, i am very aware and ashamed of this weirdness in sending this to you, don't worry, (2) it seemed so obvious to me and you've already talked about other mental health issues and such that i was like "no, surely she must already know she has ocd and is just choosing not to talk about it (completely understandable, i don't do it on main), and then i would also be weird for forcing her to out herself".

the thing with morality-adjacent ocd is that a lot of the base thoughts, in a vacuum, are fine. if you hurt somebody some level of shame is good so you can reflect and correct your behaviour. caring about doing the right thing and refusing to do things that violate your principles is good. it's the intensity and all-consumingness of the thoughts that is the problem.

i mean i say morality but it applies to other ocd too. you should wash your hands and keep your place clean as much as you can, but obsessively avoiding contamination by washing your hands for half an hour straight... etc. it's ultimately egodystonic - it takes the thing you hate the idea of the most and convinces you that is what you really are.

like you are genuinely an admirably principled person, more than many, and it's good that you do the right thing instead of the easy thing. but your anguish about like, not contributing enough good to the world as a comics artist and things like that screams morality ocd self-punishment to me... and repeatedly talking about it feels like a confession compulsion. which i also have, kind of! i feel the compulsion *to* confess, but i don't, because if anyone forgave me or told me it wasn't a big deal they obviously haven't formed a sound judgment because (1) they are morally depraved themselves, (2) i didn't explain myself properly and they didn't understand why it's bad, (3) they're my friend and being more permissive with me because they like me, so they're too biased.

this was long, sorry. but you're a good artist and i like your work and i hate seeing you suffer like this. and if you really don't have ocd, well, i'm just another weirdo armchair psychologist anon vanishing into the void.

i appreciate this and thank you for being kind+brave enough to send this while medication juggling is really making me insane new ways. i have not been diagnosed w/ocd and only started kicking the idea around not too long ago when cornered by the inescapable nature of my thoughts/feeling, the fact that no one understands what the hell i'm ever talking about, and seeing signs of it in someone else very close to me. and i guess incidentally learning more about how it develops/is treated.

lol your bit abt internally responding to how ppl try to comfort your "confessions" rings very true. i never thought of my posts as confessions but like im desperately trying to get a hold on a reality that makes sense to me because when reality doesnt make sense, it feels perilous and fleeting. like, doesnt anyone else feel like this? why am i the only one who sees this? how am i supposed to understand what i'm supposed to be doing to live a life that isnt equivalent to a sewage drain that empties out into people's houses if i cant even understand whats happening?

[qoldenskies]

Thank you for the pain it was delicious, 10/10 will order again

I have so many feelings about it HHHH I feel like I accidentally dug myself into a situation (or you did it on purpose you mad lad) that made everything hit harder.

When I first started reading Caged Lungs, like the first third or even quarter I was convinced it was a bad dream. Or like a bad trip from the mushrooms on the pizza. That oh, everyone's gonna just wake up and it'll be fine, there's gonna be reassurances and comfort. But then... It's kind of like a dawning horror situation when I realized more and more that hey, this is real. It's taking chunks out of their lives, they're still doing day to day things but it's getting worse. I didn't even catch it during the fight with Hypno, I just shrugged and went huh, that's weird.

But as it mentions the time crawling and they keep getting worse and Donnies mental health plummeting...

I hit the end and panicked because hey? Wtf? (/pos)

But seeing everything slowly go back to "normal" in Clipped Wings adds to this. Because it's the realization of no, this is real... Or is it? This all happened... Right? Everything should be the way it is but now they're STILL gaslighting him but accidentally this time.

Their denial can only work for so long until it damages both parties. And I feel like it's already there.

This fic has a choke hold on me and I squeal every time I see a new update, unreliable narrator is one of my favorite tropes and you do it SO WELL

:D :D :D YEAASSSS very glad i pulled off the kind of dreamlike quality to caged lungs that i was going for!!! (in some scenes more than others i really tried to accentuate it, like the second-to-last scene with the post-shredder flashback. i mostly used it to draw the most painful contrast i could between how its all ended up vs how it USED to be. very fun to compare the earliest scenes to the final ones though, especially when it comes to donnie's behavior, because it is so painful and jarring) nothing is ever truly MADE UP in donnie's narration, but his grip on reality slips further and further, and with it a lot of the details are twisted (he misinterprets april a lot especially, and also dissociates quite a bit and has memory issues. there's an entire BEATDOWN that you only see the tail-end of because he doesn't remember it, which is probably a good thing considering its one of the most traumatic events from when they were under the curse, probably third behind the murder attempt and the closet. i mean he doesn't remember NOW but..... they do.)

and i hesitate to call their behavior now gaslighting, since gaslighting is an intentional act of abuse intended to make the victim feel like they cant trust themselves and their own memory, etc etc. them covering up the evidence is PLAYING INTO what they did, but they're not denying it (they're doing the opposite, in fact, with how much they're ruminating on it and trying to fix their mistakes, although covering up the evidence is them trying to run away from it to abate their guilt lmao). less lying more omitting the truth, but its still hurting just as much because donnie has conditioned himself to think his memory is unreliable and he "makes things up" because of his "victim complex". even though he's dissociative and is currently struggling with memory issues because of that, he instinctively panics when he gets confused on the details, and they have also conditioned him to be afraid to ASK now, because they would get mad at him for doing it.... its a whole mess. donnie doesn't even know how to communicate his needs anymore, and they dont know they need to ask.

thank you for the ask!!! microwaving this in my brain mmm yumm

[fictionfixations]

playful land (part 2)

contains spoiler for the movie pinocchio so and like book 7 spoilers (its literally just 2 words relating to lilia and its a card that exists)

😭 as a glasses wearer i can relate. when i didnt have my glasses id squint a lot but the people around me just thought i had my eyes closed so they thought i wasnt paying attention D:

its even crazier to think that lilia, a war veteran and everything was legitimately stressed over this 💀 but to be fair if grim was in danger of getting out of like the seats that lilia had to hold him back id be panicking too cause who knows what could happen

heres your reminder that vil was kinda baby (well child but thats still baby to me) when being in the industry and considered good at playing the villain even though children (and teenagers) are literally known for changing, are in the prime time of their life to change and experiment and try different things theyve never done before and so typecast him is literally to stunt his growth and potential !!! and remember there were those kids who thought vil was an actual villain and like tried to attack him or some shit so he did play villains when he was younger. and it probably really hit him hard because kids dont (and shouldnt) be hit with the reality that not everyone is nice and that people can be out to get you for no reason other than 'you exist' and will run with any reason they can to hate on you even if its entirely fake and they dont even know you but they just think youre a bad person despite the truth and theres nothing you can do to change that because they dont want to be wrong. if you cant tell i have a lot of things against it. like. like child prodigies n celebrities are great good for you for being good at something and being recognized for it, but ohh my god its like suddenly they're an adult and cant make mistakes without people condemning them even though literally everyone has made mistakes before and children dont know any better until they do it and mess up and thats okay and i just. i just want vil to be ok cause hes still really young.

the text being like pLAcehOldeR TExT PLaCeHoLDer TeXt is so fucking creepy for the puppets 😭 why cant it just be normal like when like AIs or like the systems of shit talk (like like the navi system that was normal?? and i thought the voices for the rollercoaster was normal too but i mightve just not noticed considering im playing it right as the update came out and i havent slept yet so yippee)

JIMINY CRICKET IS THAT YOU 💀

the way i missed all these references the first time but now im actually getting them cause i saw the movie

heres where i say i already forgot like a part of the middle of the movie and what happened and why. i was watching it with friends so i got distracted trying to talk to them and im really bad at multitasking when trying to watch something (like reallly pay attention) and talk to someone at the same time so i forget one or the other and i forgot the movie so i dont remember what the apple core was about but i doubt it was good intentioned

i know that leona's older than them but i still like that he calls them kids like d'aww

flashbacks to kalim mentioning he didnt know how to pay for things or how cash registers worked and stuff like that cause usually merchants came to him also him mentioning he got like lint rollers for the carpet but he just kept buying new ones when he ran out instead of buying a new roll, and when being informed that he could buy a new roll instead of an entirely new roller he just called whoever thought of that a genius 😭 his obliviousness is genuinely harmful to him no matter how good intentioned someone may be to try to spoil him and make him live the most comfortable life ever because theres so much life experiences hes lacking. and theres so much i could say about this but ive yapped enough about this in other posts and ive also already yapped about vil so um

HES LICKING THEM BECAUSE OF THE OVERBLOT STONES ISNT HE? ???? ????? GRim PLEASE

…hes got a tail because he went to pleasure island and was slowly turning into a donkey like i mean i guess i can understand because in twst the stories were twisted so both the hero and the villain got a happy ending technically? like remember i think jasmine married like 'a street rat' or something (I cant remember exactly? maybe he was like a thief but changed his ways?), while jafar caught someone who was pretending to be a prince to marry her (described as two different people btw)

THIS. THIS IS WHAT I MEAN. he is so unaware that hes going to make dumb and insensitive comments that could definitely offend someone but he doesnt understand what the problem with it is this boy is like the heir right?? someone please teach him politics and like diplomacy shit ???? like ok you want him to have the best life. his best life is not making mistakes in front of important people that can fuck things up without him realizing and ruining relationships because HE DOESNT KNOW BETTER. like theres only so long you can baby someone and i know hes baby and still young but stop coddling him. like i mean i want to coddle him i want to wrap him in bubble wrap but like come on. and i know hes smart, he knows people arent the best because people have tried to poison him and tried to kill him (even some of his family have tried) but come on. like what if he comes off as insincere? as a person who couldnt possibly understand? HE ALREADY DOES COME OFF AS THAT HAVE YOU SEEN JAMIL?? and you know what thats gonna breed? RESENTMENT. aAAAAAAa AND PEOPLE ARE GONNA TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIM BECAUSE HE WANTS TO SEE THE GOOD IN EVERYONE EVEN THE PEOPLE WHO DO BAD SHIT TO HIM AND ITS JUST. i dont want him to be hurt and hes gonna get hurt and he already has been hurt and hes still managing and i feel so bad for him and i just. ..you can tell i have a lot of feelings over thsi fhaidwsuiahfd

d'aww hes hugging him 🥺

yknow kalim probably has the funds to get like a water breathing potion and explore underwater like i mean tbh it kinda scares me. wasnt there that story during like one of the halloween events one of the leech twins mentioning how they saw like one of them?? except it wasnt them. and that like people went missing or some shit??? the coral sea (..that might not be the name i forgor) has its own dangers i hope he stays safe during so

wouldnt it be the coolest for a hometown event with the leech twins and azul and kalim is there actually i wonder what kinda outfits they'd wear. also in caters birthday bloom vignette floyd mentioned that he could take cater to the coral sea and show him places land people dont really get to see (then warns him to watch out for shark attacks) to which cater replies that he'll pass. …still i think itd be really cool for him to go too. maybe we could make it a pop music club trip! has lilia been to the coral sea? i cant remember 🤔 i dont think caters phone is waterproof though (hes also mentioned it in that vignette) and hes mentioned it in this event where he was scared his phone would get waterlogged during the whale rollercoaster cause they were getting drenched in water and he didnt get time to prepare

leona. you get me.

kalim just automatically being worried about poison makes me feel really bad for him cause he always has to be cautious like i know he doesnt say it but its implied and it makes me sad

FIGARO MY BELOVED I LOVE YOU SO MUCH YOU PRECIOUS BABY AHFDASUDIHAIUDHW i love cats so much the moment he showed up on screen i just couldnt pay attention to anything that was happening in the movie and i just love the way he was animated he looked so fluffy and cute and i just wanted to pet him so fucking much aGHHHH

leona: I REFUSE to ride the carousel no matter what right after leona: on the carousel

so confirmed kalim does have a magicam acc huh

[multiplicity-positivity]

so sorry but i need help and idk who else to ask.

i have this fictive headmate (gonna call him b) and hes the only fictive we have w source memories. in source he’s extremely homophobic and other things jn that vein. uhh he is Exactly like that in our head.

currently hes been locking himself away and doing “paperwork” (What it is we do not know) and he wont talk to ANY OF US 😭 we cant even conenct to him 90% of the time and when we can its usually js being ignored or being called slurs. i genuinely do not know what to do. we have to share a body so i know we have to connect but like I dont know how.

Hi! We’ve answered an ask a while back that was quite similar with advice on how to deal with headmates who hold bigoted ideas. Unfortunately we can’t seem to find it! So we’ll try to think of some new advice that may be useful for y’all’s particular situation.

To start off, it will be best to ensure the safety of your queer or marginalized headmates (if your system has any) first and foremost. If that means keeping these headmates away from this fictive order to protect them, that may be for the best, at least for now! No one should have to put up with being targeted or called slurs based on who they are.

We’d suggest being upfront and brutally honest with this headmate whenever he does interact with the rest of the system. If he uses a slur, say “Hey, that’s disrespectful. Cut it out.” Explain to him as best as you can that bigotry will not be tolerated by other headmates, and boundaries may need to be set up and enforced in order to ensure the comfort and safety of the rest of your system.

Perhaps remind him that introjects are in no way bound to live the lives led by their sources. If he ever expresses interest in gaining some healthy distance from his source, we do have a post that might help:

Once you’ve set up some boundaries, though, it would be a good idea to try and include him in your system’s lives as much as possible. He is still a headmate and he is just as capable of positive change as anyone else! While you do not have to tolerate any hate from him, that doesn’t mean you should have to bar him from the rest of your system entirely.

Ask him about his interests. Invite him to join when the system is doing an activity together. Ask for his opinion and input in decisions that may affect him. Make efforts to include him in discussions on and celebrations of diversity. Any way that you can show him kindness while also exposing him to the realities of marginalized groups could be very helpful.

If he won’t listen… talk to him anyway. If he has a nasty retort, either ignore it or remind him of your boundaries. If he refuses to participate, tell him that’s fine, but the invitation still stands if he ever changes his mind.

In all of this, understand that change often happens gradually. It may take a long time and much effort on y’all’s parts before he comes around and starts making strides towards positive change. Any step he moves in that direction should be met with praise and encouragement. Support him. Be there for him and understand that changing your fundamental ideas about the world can be a massive and terrifying undertaking. Please don’t grow weary and give up on him if it’s taking him a long time to make any strides towards progress!

We know this advice may barely scratch the surface, but we hope it at least gives y’all a starting point on how to approach and work with this fictive! If any of our followers have any useful advice or words of encouragement, y’all are welcome to share! Anon, we’re so sorry that y’all are having to deal with this, but we hope things get easier for y’all in the future, and y’all are able to get through to this headmate in a positive way while also protecting your own system!

Going to try and TLDR: Ensure your own system’s safety first and foremost! Set up and enforce boundaries regarding this headmate’s treatment of other members. Source separation may one day be beneficial for him! Encourage him to change, but don’t cut him off from your system entirely in the meantime - try and expose him to diversity while helping him feel included in system life. Be patient also and keep reaching out even if he appears unreceptive. Positive change may take a long time, but don’t give up! Best of luck to y’all with everything!

[mouthsfullofsharpteeth]

tim disenfecting alex's injuries, gentle in a way hes never been with him even after sex. alex still seems out of it, as though hes as shocked as tim is that tim killed for him. to save him. but despite the way his injuries sting and burn he leans into it, eyes fluttering shut. and tim feels his heart in his throat as he watches alex lean into this pain, only because its tim inflicting it. because its a pain he recognizes, that he trusts. and tim wonders if theres something more to that, the way alex accepts pain, YEARNS for it when tim offers it. and tim cant help but raise a hand to cup alex's face and gently brush a thumb over his cheek. he hates the way that THIS is what startled alex back into reality. hates the way alex freezes like this must be some kind of trick, or a trap. looks at him like a cornered animal that isnt sure if its in danger. but he holds his gaze. "im sorry" would probably mean nothing at this point, because alex would most likely refuse to believe that. so tim whispers instead "you're safe". and maybe it isnt the truth because with the operator on their tail its hard to call this motel room safe. but its not about that, and they both know it. its tim admitting that alex's life has value to him. that his safety is important. that maybe there is something here worth salvaging from the wreckage of their lives. and alex relaxes into tims hand. leans into the comfort instead of the pain for once. lets tim pull him gently closer, closer than theyve ever been without either fighting or fucking. alex is sure that he must have died and somehow tricked his way into heaven, but the comforting beat of tim's heart and the warmth of his hand tells him its real.

seriously man whatre u doin to me this is hurtin my heart here

YOURE TELLIN ME. i was like on the edge of my seat checking tumblr for this ask HGKJKGHG

theyre just so. augh. i love them. they are such a special kind of fucked up and i love it so much

[crystallizedkingdoms]

I had a crazy autism car crash moment and thought about what each of the yiik characters TMA affiliated entity would be so now I’m going to list out all my possibilities + my reasonings. I haven’t listened to tma in forever i need to relisten sometime so this is off of my Memory and the wiki so BE NICE.

Alex: ik The Extinction was kind of my immediate gut feeling because of the whole y2k destruction thing he has going on AND I STILL FEEL THAT FITS. BUT! going off of his actual character alone, the Web is honestly sooo him. with how he spins the whole narrative to fit whatever he feels suits him best. he fears so much about not having control of his life that he turns around and starts doing it to everyone instead. and it’s just never ending in that sense. this feels the most blatant honestly No Notes.

Vella: shes very Buried to me for reasons i am struggling to explain, but i think what draws me to it is how shes been known to shut herself out from situations she cant control and when the world is falling apart around her. like thats literally how we meet her in the first place she had a bad circumstance and she escapes it by trapping herself in another fucking dimension. which feels very Buried to me. also i like how she presses the sides of her head with her hands when shes stressed i like to think tight spaces comfort her just as much as they frighten her in a way.

Rory: IM STUCK BETWEEN THE LONELY AND THE VAST. on one hand the Lonely is so obvious that it hurts, Rory surrounds and pretty much defines himself in loneliness. and to that end you’d think it would be kind of hard to give him anything else. but then you think specifically about his little theories, how thoughtful he is towards the idea of how humanity and souls occupy space, and its like oh shit. so i believe there is Some element of Vast in him. also i love the idea of him and Vella as physical foils OKAY THERE I ADMIT IT.

Claudio: this man could not be more Hunt coded if he fucking tried. his search for his brother is practically endless because he won’t just accept the most likely answer that he’s dead, until the search literally consumes him. when it becomes clear a physical Hunt won’t fulfill his desire for the chase, he starts using the Internet/ONISM to start a digital Hunt that can go on forever and ever and ever. maybe there’s even a little part of Claudio that doesn’t even want to find Aaron, knowing it’ll bring an end to his Hunt.

Chondra: when i make this into a full fledged AU with some semblance of story, i imagine her being the only one who starts out not clearly affiliated with any particular fear because of just how incredibly disinterested she is in anything trying to drag her down. HOWEVER, i think that she would be marked by the End, what with how the death (in her eyes) of her brother haunts her everywhere she goes even if she tries to distance herself away from it, until eventually she gives in and lets it claim her as an avatar.

Michael: i had to save him for last because he’s the one that made me think of this at all and i have so many ideas. HES SO FULL OF POTENTIAL I FOUND THREE GOOD ANSWERS. Part of me wants to separate it into the different facets of Michael that we see throughout the game + the little snippet of I.V. the Michael whos the eternal best friend and blind to the broken narrative Alex creates is such Stranger, i can imagine him Literally being a life sized doll painted to look like the Michael of Alex’s dreams but it’s just. a little off.

meanwhile Red Michael is The Spiral, so achingly aware that everything about the world Stranger Michael lives in is a lie but being unable to communicate that to himself outside of the red room so he spirals into ONISM and consistently tries to find reality where everything is a nostalgia-based deception that further pulls him to the path of Distortion,

FINALLY. Proto-Michael, consumed by the Eye, being painfully aware of everything around him, when no one else seems capable of doing so, and desperately wanting to know the answer to it all. I think this is the entity that fits his entire, Singular the most, because Michael is such a solution-oriented, curious guy and his need to understand every strange, supernatural thing in this world really reflects on his entire character. ALSO the camera motif with him would go FIRE with the Eye. so when i make this an AU separate from the canon events of yiik that’s probably what im gonna go with. But still isn’t this super cool.

uhhhh this was super long and doesn’t even feature other prominent characters but. hey this is the main cast so at least i got that. I’ll keep working on this tho yippeeeee

[imaginespazzi]

Hi hi hi!

Reporting live and procrastinating responsibilities :). So heres my rundown, pretty much matchy matchy w yours, naturally: Generally the video vibes almost 💯 fit with the allegations 🙃. Please bear w the rambling thoughts in no particular order. Im not sure how one could possibly cohesively recap ALL THAT lol. Ok it blows my mind how much they personally had to catch up on w one another! God damn babes, you havent talked much if at all in nearly a month. Again it screams that there was more of a relationship (ending poorly).. Even friends moving apart prob wouldve had more contact over that time. Sometimes I wonder how they dont realize what they reveal by what they leave ~unsaid/not explained! Though G’s “really bad breakup” comment felt weighted given their situation. To me much of the injury discussion came across as carry over from the In The Mirror. With G making a point to say nice things (good memories of playing together;tearing up when Liz got hurt; not being wholly herself as a player w/out Kitley;the frustration at team reaction after the game following the injury; belief that Liz will recover/be drafted etc.). And G’s words still feel to me like a way of her dealing with some guilt which she cant quite yet express or process. Especially considering her adding stuff about being w the Kitley fam lately and helping move Liz’s stuff ha. If a person ever questioned something going down between L&G, I’ll say alarm bells went off when L described her night following the injury and staying over w Cayla. In such a low moment, poor girlie really couldnt manage being at her own place thats shared w one of her closest pals. Ooof. However, on the whole, they sounded more comfortable at times than I expected. In fact the convo sometimes got surprisingly open and loose - gals dont tell me that we had a bit of liquid courage before recording. ;) And it did stand out to me that L asked the “fans” on multiple occasions to just be decent and grateful for what they had + be understanding of decision making under the situation, but stopped short of telling people to leave G alone (which, given everything we’re led to believe, fair play hun). My big takeaway was that they seem to be taking this time of big adjustment as also a new beginning to possibly recover a friendship. Clearly theres still issues to work thru, but perhaps theyve reached a more settled/amicable place? Or at least were just able to deal w each other long enough to provide us all w a semi closure pod 😐. But heres hoping for more future content, as they hinted at! Oh and as someone who works w/in college athletics, I was very sympathetic to their comments throughout re change. Its a crazy industry, stuff happens in the blink of an eye and you do just have to deal with that ish. The harsh reality of the current state of things is that one rarely gets a neat, happy closure.

Happy Sunday to you bestie, hope its fantastic! -☕️

Reporting live and procrastinating is so real, like me asf fr fr.

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. Like they seemed so out of the loop when it came to each other's life and that's just so weird to me? I mean I get it could just be regular friends drifting but that wasn't the ~vibe~ at all to me and maybe again it's the allegations bias but it was just very much giving exes.

Hardcore agree with the Georgia stuff because I thought some of what she was saying felt a bit like an overcompensation, an apology of sorts to make up in a way for anything else that *might* have happened. Honestly Georgia being so nice, no shade, doesn't really fit the dynamic from before where sometimes Georgia's snark was just mean to me really.

Every new bit of info/content, I just continue to feel terrible for Liz. And I think her staying at Cayla's really gave away the depth of how much has happened between her and Georgia. And again yeah it could be a friend breakup but it just feel a little too serious for that.

Obviously I don't know a timeline, if there even is one, but this podcast gave me the vibes that if they were together, it's actually been a decent while since they broke up and are now in a place where they can co-exist in an amicable manner. I don't know if we'll ever get another podcast or if they'll actually be able to be in a genuine friendship again but I think they're in a good enough place and I do love that for them.

[liveghoul]

Too Much

Don’t think about it too much too much too much too much

Theres no need for us to rush it through

Don’t think about it too much too much too much too much

This is more than just a new lust for you

매일 기계적으로 wake up, 기계적으로 메이크업

받는 삶에 익숙해져 가, 자의식과의 breakup

언제부터 내가 내게 만족했지?

꿈을 이뤄놓고 방종했지?

편하기 위해서, 적당히 지내며 목까지 차오른 불을 삼켜댔지

그래 나도 내가 참 역겨워 뾰족한 칼날이 무뎌져서

생겨버린 스무살의 주름살, 변한단 게 두려웠어

누군가 내 머릿속을 들여다본다면 분명 날 비웃겠지

이제 와서 길을 잃은 날, I can i can hear my old friends laughing

Hey, but i just wanted to show what i got

그냥 랩을 하고 싶었을 뿐야 u said I’m an puppet, fuck I’m not

너무 많아 내 머릿속에 이 수많고도 수많은 상념들

나 잠시 거두고 기다리겠어 이 쉴새없는 파도의 망년을

Yeah I'm a monster, 한 번 괴물이 된 이상 더 사람일 순 없어

다시 너희와 같은 인간일 순 없어 그게 사람들이 나를 씹는 이유여도

내가 아티스트건, 아이돌이건 don’t give a fuck this is my life

이게 죽이 되건 죽밥이 되건 내가 차린 내 밥상이야

Everyday like a machine I wake up, automatically put on make-up

That kind of life has grown familiar to me

Since when have I been so satisfied with myself?

Did I, after achieving my dream, indulge in it?

To live “comfortably”, “appropriately”, I swallowed the flames that had welled up to my throat

That’s right i’m quite disgusted with myself as well, the sharp knife has dulled

Forming the wrinkles of my twenty year old self, I was afraid of such changes

If somebody could look inside my hеad, they’d probably mock me

Smirking at the mе who’s lost his path, I can, I can hear my old friends laughin

Hey, but I just wanted to show what I got

All I ever wanted to do was rap, you said I’m a puppet, fuck I’m not

There’s too many of these countless, infinite thoughts in my head

Now I’ll put myself aside and wait for the endless waves of negativity

Yeah, I’m a monster, once you become a monster you can no longer be a person

I can no longer be a human like the likes of you all

Even if that’s the very reason why people curse me

Whether I’m an artist, or an idol I don’t give a fuck this is my life

Whether it’s porridge or gruel, this is the meal I’ve prepared for myself

Don’t think about it too much too much too much too much

Theres no need for us to rush it through

Don’t think about it too much too much too much too much

This is more than just a new lust for you

바다와 사막밖에 못 보던 내가 이제 우주를 봐

작은 스튜디오가 세상의 전부인줄 알았던 꼬마, 이제 겨우 밖을 둘러봐

I thought it was a real, got no time to chill, no time nobody to get healed

너무 많은 stars, 너무 많은 dreams, 그 앞에 난 먼지일 뿐이라는 현실

을 깨닫고서 내가 할 수 있었던 건 더 처절하게 나를 잠궜던 것

내 분노를 참고 때리고 억눌러서 더 단단하게 나를 가뒀던 것

Yeah I'm a fucking monster 아이돌 어린 팬들은 날 싫어해 'cause I'm a fuckin monster

힙합 팬들도 싫어해 'cause I'm a fuckin idol rapper who cant come to their concert

Yeh right? 이제 속시원해 right? so how you doing bitches?

난 존나 돈 벌어 fine thank you and you bitches

인터뷰할 때마다 그랬지, 니 행복을 찾아내

근데 나도 요즘은 가끔씩 헷갈려 내가 나의 행복을 찾았는지

내가 하고싶은 음악, 하고 싶은 그 많은 말들을 모두 할 수 있다는 것

바래왔던 순간, 간절했던 꿈과 마주할 수 있다는 것

난 분명 꿈을 이뤘는데, 그 꿈 뒤에 서 망설이네

생각이 너무 많아서 그냥 무언가 고팠던 나를 담았어

The me who could only see deserts and seas is now looking up at the universe

The small child who thought the tiny studio was the whole world is only just peering outside

I thought it was a real, got no time to chill, no time nobody to get healed

Too many stars, too many dreams, the reality is in front of these things i’m just a speck of dust

Once I realized that the only thing i could do was more severely lock myself in

Tamper back my fury and press it down, more strongly hide myself away

Yeah, I’m a fucking monster, young idol, fans hate me 'cause I'm a fucking monster

Hiphop fans hate me too 'cause I’m a fucking idol rapper who can’t come to their concert

Yeah right? You’re happy now right? So how you doing bitches?

I’m earning a lot of fucking money fine thank you and you bitches

Every interview I said to them, go find your happiness

But lately I get confused sometimes, whether I’ve found my own happiness

The fact that I’m making the music I want to make, saying the things I want to say

This is the moment I’ve been waiting for, now facing the dream I so desperately wanted

I definitely achieved my dream, but after the dream I find myself hesitating

With too many thoughts, I just showed the me that’s hungry for something

Don’t think about it too much too much too much too much

There’s no need for us to rush it through

Don’t think about it too much too much too much too much

This is more than just a new lust for you

Don’t think about it too much too much too much too much

Theres no need for us to rush it through

Don’t think about it too much too much too much too much

This is more than just a new lust for you

Let it go

Let it go

Let it go

Whatever it is

[bloodsbane]

okay i just rewatched the last two episodes of utena, which i think helped me collect my thoughts like... a tiny bit.

anyways i just wanted to get my feelings down really quick, aiming for the broad strokes with my impressions on things, blah blah blah. so big warning for utena spoilers under the cut

okay god so. first of all i loved it. extremely fun show. really cool and interesting. it's got that Older Anime Swag i can't get enough of. easily one of those things where, if i'd watched it when i was younger, it would've seriously restructured my entire brain chemistry. also probably would've realized i liked girls way sooner

there is. A LOT. worth talking about. i don't want to make a massively long post though. trying to be like, as straightforward as possible. not just because otherwise i'd talk forever, but also i honestly don't wanna get into the guts of things TOO much, when im still processing my personal feelings on it, plus i still gotta watch the movie

so i'll just say for now, to me, utena reads as like... something similar to a coming of age story, but not exactly. like a weird divergent cousin. i feel like a lot has to do with themes of like, trauma and how that stunts growth, one's inability to grow up beyond things that happened in our pasts, like death or failure, or even just the fact that you were at some point changed... or actualized, like, made to become aware of reality.

even moreso than growing up or adulthood, the idea of the Revolutionizing the World, which i think v deliberately at first sounds like 'change the world (in a broad, conceptual sense)' but this is something that is like... unattainable. impossible. eternity and miracles. perpetual purity, comfort, safety, a fantasy. even with the prince's sword, akio cannot open the gate. he cannot attain the power of eternity or miracles to become what he once was

if it cannot break its egg shell, a chick will die without being born. we are the chick and the world is our egg. if we cannot break the egg, we will die without being born. smash the world's shell for the revolution of the world.

a lot of my intense interest and confusion over the last third of the show was... character motivations. what did akio want? what was his goal in trying to bring utena to him, but to undermine her desire to become a prince? he wanted the sword of a prince but not for utena to wield it. he said something in the end about... how the power of revolution was too much for her, how it was up to him to decide what to do with it.

and a lot said about how she cant accomplish her goals 'because she's a girl'. she can't hold the sword, can't become the prince, can't save anthy, because she's a girl. and im not saying that's NOT a gender thing, like... obviously, in part. but i fought against that reading a little and came to the conclusion that it's not about being like, a girl as in female. it's about being a girl as in child, or rather, the same girl who wanted to stay inside that coffin, and who arguably never left.

that's a big theme brought up again and again, especially later on... living death, to remain in your coffin: the shell that is your world, and your resting place if you are never able to leave it. cowed by the truth of reality, of death and tragedy and loss and pain. so you stay inside the shell and are never really born. everyone at the school is inside of a coffin, both of their own making and in the grander scheme, because for them, the school is their world

and that's why it's so important that anthy leaves. akio is fighting to open the rose gate, to attain the power of revolution, but i don't think he was able to get it because revolution isn't really what he wants. he wants to go back, to live in the past, to be what he was instead of what he's chosen to be, which he can't fully confront, and so he is stuck and stays in his coffin, the planetarium, the school. living through this fantasy story over and over again but unable to ever break free because of the simple fact that like. he cannot see beyond himself, i guess. as opposed to anthy, who recognized that utena did achieve the power for revolution... by helping anthy out of her coffin. allowing anthy to finally be born...

that's a thing too... i think one of the main things that's really subtly brought up throughout the anime, is this idea of selfishness and being unable to see beyond your own perspective and vision and expectations of the world. and that means an inability to see others clearly. that was a huge thing for anthy and utena near the end. that scene where utena is holding anthy on the roof... and they confess to each other their true feelings (?); i don't know if that was dream or reality, but i believe it was the truth. anthy taking advantage of utena's inability to see beyond herself in order to lead her to this point, and utena's inability to recognize anthy's pain (or even, rather, her ability TO forget anthy's pain) for what it was, and that she really needed from her friend.

there's a weird element i haven't wrapped my head around yet... to do with anthy and her being a witch, the swords she takes for her brother/prince, and his willingness to say that it's what she chose for herself, so she (must?) enjoy being the witch who suffers. maybe it's part of his inability to grow... that he can't take responsibility for anthy's pain (and death?) entirely, though her sacrifice was for him... and it could be part of what had akio lose sight of things

the gate doesn't open for akio, who does not truly crave revolution, only a power he no longer has, and in his way he's gotten so muddled and has grown so (unconsciously?) defeatist about things that he's lost sight of what might have been driving him in the first place - love and a desire to save his sister

but utena, who sees anthy as a child and instantly feels all of her pain, recognizes it, maybe even as her own pain reflected back, weeps for a witch and the door opens for her. and the door is not a gate to power, it's a coffin, with anthy lying inside... waiting to die, or waiting for nothing at all... but-

oh ohhh oh... it's like... akio says something about like, without power you always have to depend on someone else? you can't do anything on your own? maybe a resentment for his tie to anthy even. but like. anthy could never break out of her shell without utena opening the coffin for her, and bringing in the light to help her see the sort of world that waited beyond. she says something like 'don't be afraid of this world where we can meet'...

in an attempt to wrap up, i guess for now i might say... utena is trying to say something about connecting to others, being open to life, but accepting that it includes pain and tragedy and loss. there are things that can and will prevent you from ever truly like... evolving beyond your first stage. becoming your true, entire self. alive, "adult", willing and able to confront the world (beyond your world)...

mm... yeah. i think writing this out has helped me figure out things just a bit. and obviously this is my own interpretation of things, but for now it's what feels right for me, alongside all the meanderings and musings.

gwahhg... movie time i guess. aaa!!!!!

[toothlespoggers]

”Why are you sad” WHY ARE YOU HAPPY? HOW CAN YOU BE HAPPY WHEN THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN FEEL JOY IS BY HAVING ENOUGH MONEY TO GO DO STUFF THAT IS FUN IN THE MOMENT BUT ULTIMATELY STILL LEAVES YOU EMPTY INSIDE BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO THE WORLD IS BEING FUCKED OVER IN A MILLION DIFFERENT WAYS BY PEOPLE WHO DONT HAVE COMMON SENSE AND THERES NO HOPE IN TRYING TODO ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSEIT JUST DOESNT WORK. HOW ARE YOU HAPPY WHEN ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE ON THE INTERNET WITHIUT SEEING EVERYTHING BAD IN THE WORLD. THE ONLY WAY TO BE “HAPPY” IS TO BE AWAY FROM LITERALLY EVERYTHING, HAVE EVERYTHING CONTROLLED AND PERFECT. AND HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ISSUES. UNTIL YOU DIE. BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE, WALKING DOWN THE STREET, EATING, SLEEPING. EVERYTHING JUST REMINDS YOU THAT SOMEONE ELSE IS CONSTANTLY SUFFERING FOR NO FUCKING REASON AND THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT BECAUSE YOURE A CHILD. AND SOMEHOW ADULTS DONT CARE. THEY DONT CARE ABOUT THE DEATHS. THEY DONT SEE THE BLOODSTAINS ON EVERYTHING AROUND THEM. THEY SOMEHOW AVOID IT ALL.

WHY ARE YOU HAPPY? BECAUSE BEING SAD. BEING ANYTHING ELSE. IS TOO DIFFICULT. WHAT ARE WE JUST SUPPOSED TO ROLL OVER WHEN SOMEONE ASKS IF YOURE OK? NO. BECAUSE THIS IS HOW EVERYTHING WOULD GO

“hey man, you ight?”

“NO I AM NOT ALRIGHT, EVERYTHING IS AWFUL EVERYTHING IS BAD. THE “GOOD” IS MOSTLY JUST GASLIGHTING, A SUNNY LITTLE PICTURE OF FALSE HOPES AND PROMISES TO CALM YOU DOWN AND KEEP SOCIETY FUNCTIONING BECAUSE IN REALITY EVERYTHING IS BAD, THE BAD COMES SO MUCH AND THE GOOD IS SO SPARSE YOU HAVE TO PHYSICALLY REMIND YOURSELF OF IT, AND IF EVERYTHINGS OK WOULDNT IT BE EASY TO FIND OUT GOOD NEWS INSTEAD OF DIGGING THROUGH THE INTERNET TO FIND ANYTHING? ISNT IT RIDICULOUS THAT WE ARE LABELLED AS “MENTALLY ILL” FOR HAVING FUCKING COMMON SENSE? WE ALL REALISED AS SOON AS WE GAINED SENTIENCE

“HEY WOW, ACTUALLY THE WORLD IS KINDA HORRIBLE!” AND INSTEAD OF FIXING IT EVERYONE ELSE WAS LIKE “YEAH BRO MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THAT, YOURE CRAZY. THE WORLD ISNT AWFUL! LOOK AT OUR LITTLE RICH WHITE NEIGHBOURHOOD, EVERYTHING IS PERFECT AND NOTHING IS WRONG! YOU ARE STUPID FOR THINKING THIS.”

LIKE BRO. NO??? ITS NOT OK? I DONT “GET SAD” I AM SAD. THIS ANXIETY DEPRESSION, COCKTAIL NEVER SUBSIDES. IT IS JUST IGNORED. REPEATEDLY. BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO FORGOT TO SURVIVE.

YOU HAVE TO GRIT YOUR TEETH, WIPE YOUR EYES AND DISSOCIATE. BECAUSE YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN IN YOUR HEART THAT NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE MINDSET OF:

“Well Im alive now, I might as well enjoy it” BECAUSE THAT IS LITERALLY ALL YOU CAN DO.

I WANT. TO BELIEVE. IN THE POSITIVES.

WE ALL DO.

BUT LOOK AROUND.

IT WOULD LITERALLY TAKE A MIRACLE, NOT A SMALL ONE. A NATIONAL. WORLD WIDE. MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MIRACLE. TO FIX THINGS.

BUT THATS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

YOU CANT EVEN TAKE COMFORT IN RELIGION BECAUSE RELIGION IS LIKE “yeah no everythings gonna be like really bad and get worse and worse until everyone dies”

like. SERIOUSLY.

so NO. I am not “ok” and if you are. Congratulations. You’ve achieved a level of ignorance I TRULY wish I could obtain.

you wanna know why NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS?

BECAUSE IF EVERYONE ON EARTH KNEW THIS. EVERYTHING WOULD COLLAPSE.

And I’m not saying you can’t be happy. YOU CAN! I am often happy! I have a lot of good moments. Life is worth living! Until a certain point you can always experience joy. There will always be SOMETHING. Good.

I’m sorry it sucks. I want it to change, I want to be happy. I want to go outside knowing that there’s a future, that there isn’t just misery ahead of me.

but I can’t do anything about it.

I can’t seek therapy. I can’t tell anyone.

because all they do is try and get me to be happy again, different strategies!! Different Methods! Different medication! So much medication :,D but I’m tired of people telling me not to be sad.

Stop trying to fix the individuals with drugs and cheesy advice.

FIX THE WORLD FOR US. THEN THE CHILDREN WONT NEED TO BE HIGH ON PAIN KILLERS TO BE HAPPY.

(I try to keep stuff like this to a minimum on my blog but at this point this is the only way I can safely put my opinion out into the world without being put into a mental hospital or yelled at.)

[thisdreamplace]

https://at.tumblr.com/thisdreamplace/702717505374945280/b9zigsjsv3a6

Yessss I heard that Neville had those experiences. The reddit one you mention sounds very interesting 😍

Tbh, I came to the law just because I wanted a text from a guy lol, but when I started reading more, it became more interesting how some people talk about manifesting things out of thin air or having these manifestations that are unbelievable to the human mind like what you mention about Neville and the guy from reddit. It sounds tempting to try.

I think it's interesting how the mind works you know, because like I was mentioning the thing about dreams, in that moment we are another version of ourselves. This reminds me of what Neville mentioned of how we have to persuade ourselves to the point where we become that person that we want to be, and doing so is not impossible because we do it all the time in dreams. The brain doing those things, is the same brain we have while we're awake. Except that when we're awake we have the conscious part of the mind questioning and rationalizing everything. And also the fact that we believe that a natural process has to take place for things to happen. In the scenario of me graduating I would most likely start questioning myself, but imagine if I woke up one day and it felt like "oh shit, I just had a dream in which I had not graduated yet" and felt completely convinced of my new reality omg 😅

I saw this video yesterday of a woman talking about shifting timelines and saying that our nervous systems would go crazy if things manifested out of thin air, but... would it? Really? I'm starting to believe that it is something that we've made up to trust the process and not stress about things taking time. But whatever, I was just contemplating how cool our minds are while dreaming and how cool would it be to have such mind control while awake.

hahah tbh i think thats so normal. so many people find the law over a sp then this whole entire world opens !

i think that when it comes to persuading ourselves we are the person we want to be, we just get into our own way bc we are so engrossed in fear and the comfort zone. we often want someone to validate us before we can be who we want to be. like. just imagine what you wear everyday. now imagine tomorrow, you decideed to wear the most outrageous, unique clothing and go out that way. you wouldnt even make out the door without your family making comments. let alone going out into the world and getting stared at ! this is why so many people cant persuade themselves. bc thats how it feels to be someone new. i hope that analogy makes sense lol so it makes sense how difficult it feels, but its really only ever us holding ourselves back.

tbh idk what to think !! i used to think we made it up, but now i dont think so. i think its part of us having chosen to come live lives in this place of duality and human experience. even in my revision successes, they happened so naturally. ive definitely been questioning the idea of bypassing the human experience. like i know theres been many accounts of shifting things, but i dont know anyone who has done so in a major mystic way. or if they did so, they came back to this dimension at the end of it and resumed life as normal (like going to the worlds). so all i can say is ! try it ! see how far you can push the limits in your own experience ! i'd love to hear about what your journey is like, so keep me updated. it's definitely an interesting topic ! :)