#which i feel like really highlights that people aren't even thinking about the violence that occurred

[thatdiabolicalfeminist]

Am I the only one disturbed by the fact that 99% of what I'm seeing on social media about the Andrew Tate situation is funney jokes about how pwned he got??

This is a man who has built a career on publicly dehumanising women and encouraging other men to abuse women. Has made repeated public comments blaming rape victims in general for what they endured.

And it's just been made widespread public knowledge that he has committed horrific acts of violence based on those beliefs.

And that other public figures visited the home where he was imprisoning women to commit those acts against them and may have participated in that violence.

I get how there would be SOME jokes about his hubris etc but the fact that they're almost the entire conversation right now is deeply, deeply disturbing to me.

[obsidianstrawberrymilk]

BSD Dead Apple manga highlights!!

Kunikida is insane. "Oh yeah getting shot in the gut is no big deal dwai" and then he proceeds to run around and fight both his own Ability and Demon Snow after this. Jesus.

Kunikida's so resourceful tbh. I love watching him fight. Akutagawa's later fight with Rashoumon (where he demonstrates similar resourcefulness using the molten metal) is also cool for the same reason, because like it's one thing to be TOLD these characters are cool under pressure and smart as long as Dazai's not there to piss them off and a whole other to be shown it.

SO THIS CONFIRMS MY THEORY. I need a fight scene where Yosano detaches her limbs and uses them as weapons after she heals them omg she's so fucking badass. Side note the fact that Kenji and Yosano held up so long against their Abilities is so impressive? Like all of them are ofc but Undefeated and Thou Shalt Not Die are both like, extremely powerful. Your fighting a power that rearranged a mountain and a power that basically can't be killed. Like damn.

Lmfao Akutagawa's main priority is watching their Abilities fight each other

D A S H

I love how casually he says this lmfaoo Also LMAO AKUTAGAWA DO U HAVE SOME UNRESOLVED FEELINGS TOWARDS DAZAI OR SOMETHING?? HMM??

Confirmation Dazai fucking hates both of them. He was probably tearing his hair out internally this whole time. Literally him going "friendless behavior" at Shibusawa lmao- ALSO THE 'MEOW EXCHANGE. HE ACTUALLY MEOWED. THIS IS SO FUCKING DRY LMFAO.

Akutagawa's monologue is conveyed in a really cool way via manga adaptation... like DA has some great development for Akutagawa, Kyouka and Atsushi, but Akutagawa's in particular stands out to me because it doesn't really disprove his strength-based worldview?? He finds his own self worth through that view instead which is interesting, by overpowering his Ability instead of finding somewhere he's valued beyond it like say, Yosano.

This is also SUCH an interesting panel. "That I control Demon Snow/That I didn't want to hate her" it's like Atsushi has previously only seen Kyouka as a victim, as being controlled against her will and never wanting any of the violence she partook in when this kinda... confirms it's not all the case? DA as a whole kinda tries to break Atsushi's black and white worldview but I also think, between this and how well Akutagawa and Kyouka work together in DA, there was likely a part of Kyouka who knew she was good at killing and violence, and liked that about herself, if nothing else. The ability to not be completely helpless, even if her circumstances as a whole were not within her control.

"Are you fucking serious" he is SO DONE with Dazai's shit lmfao.

Soukoku are fucking insane. What do you MEAN you noticed Dazai's hidden message from a mention of a microscope. What do you mean you remember all your interactions with him that clearly. What do you mean-

Ohh my fucking god is that a tear in the last panel?? Oh my god did Chuuya mean he just doesn't want Dazai to stop him in Corruption. Chuuya cannot catch a fucking BREAK oh my god.

So Ango is also suicidal right?? Like sure he has a reason for saying this but also this is not a normal thing to say. He uses Chuuya's vow to kill him to try and stop Chuuya from what he sees as a suicidal mission later. Like this is not normal.

"Dazai doesn't care about the ADA!" shut the fuck up

Oh my god. This was so fucked up oh my god. Poor baby Atsushi oh my god.

The repetition of "I raised by claws" is SO chilling here omg. But I also find it so so interesting that I think Atsushi is... the only BSD character who just... wants to live. Not for other people, he definitely doesn't want to die. Like so many characters in BSD (Dazai, Yosano, Chuuya, Kunikida, Kyouka, Ango, arguably Akutagawa) are in some manner suicidal, or even the ones who aren't have reasons they life for. But Atsushi's base desire is just... he wants to live. That's where his Ability comes from. It's why he killed Shibusawa. It's so interesting.

So there are two sides to Fyodor's Ability. But he CALLS HIMSELF crime in this case?? Bc the Crime avatar is wearing what Fyodor was wearing. I've seen theories Fyodor himself is just the manifestation of his own Ability or something and tbh... that might have merit.

Tbh, I often wonder how Ango ended up working with the government. It's repeatedly mentioned how he dislikes and opposes their use of human lives as value metrics, or plans like this for the 'greater good', and yet he still does their bidding. He's still here. Even though no one listens to his oppositions. Why?

Anyway so if anyone has manga translations past Ch 13 please help I can't find any lol.

[tanoraqui]

now that this fic is all published, I can ramble about the things that happen afterward in the timeline! Feel SO free to ask about anything you want more details of.

First off, all three posts about Dave the Balrog are 100% canon to this au, except for where they sometimes contradict the fic's worldbuilding or plot bc I hadn't settled on every detail yet. Also, Dave’s name is probably more like “Drav”, from the Sindarin “drava-”, “to hew.”

That happens much later, though - about 1980 TA. FIRST, immediately, as Celebrimbor says: it's time to save the orcs!

That is, wildly self-indulgent crossover with @ceescedasticity's fic(verse) elves, once, which isn't 100% my headcanon for orcs but it's essentially canon for this au because it makes everything VERY FUNNY in a tragic irony way. I've thought about this so much that it really deserves its own bullet-point post, but highlights include:

- Annatar attempts to conceal the fact that Curufin and Celegorm are orcs, and, y'know, have been since they died. This works until Celebrimbor identifies a bunch of the orc army's weapons as made by his father, even if the style is strange and fell, and the two of the have a HUGE fight in front of representatives of every Elvish kingdom in Middle Earth and most of an army of orcs.

- Bellow/Turgon is having the single strangest, most uncomfortable road trip of his life, and he counts the crossing of the Helcaraxë in that total.

- Turgon tries to convince Galadriel to take Celebrían and Elrond and get out of here, because inevitably this must be a cruel trick and all the orcs will be forced to turn on all the Elves. Galadriel is like, "Honestly, I've been watching Celebrimbor's slow corruption and Sauron's slower un-corruption for about 2,000 years now, and I think we actually have a shot at this. Also, bold of you to assume you can beat me in a fight."

- Curufin and Celegorm had BOOKED IT when Annatar's summoning-compulsion snapped, on the reasonable assumption that any plan the Dark Lord had for them + Celebrimbor could only be cruel to the extreme...so Celebrimbor and Annatar go on a bonus road trip to retrieve them.

- Everyone meets up by the Sea again, but instead of taking (or, obeying) the offer of escape into Ulmo's hands, Turgon and probably a bunch of other orcs volunteer to come help break the Crucible. They Deserve This.

- In the end, as usual, the day is ultimately saved - as are the souls of thousands of trapped elves - by the power of love and overwhelming violence.

AND THEN...

Celebrimbor & Annatar don't actually rebuild Ost-in-Edhil and Eregion as they were. Those days are over, and also the surviving Númenoreans kinda...regard Annatar as Absolute Evil, for some mysterious reason. And those who knew about the whole or even partial conspiracy - namely Tar-Miriel herself - aren't too keen on Celebrimbor, either.

They leave whoever wants to stay and rebuild in Eregion, leadership tbd based on the traditional system of craft-based meritocracy, and take a few decades off to lay low from geopolitics, work on their marriage, and for Celebrimbor to learn a little bit of necromancy so he can manipulate his own fëa and hröa, thank you very much.

They stay with the Witch-Queen of Calador for a while, discreetly because officially that kingdom is also not on good terms with its “former” evil-ish overlord. (The Witch-Queen of Calador and her not really sane, almost certainly unsafe, but arguably consensual relationship with Annatar really deserves her own post, too. She’s my favorite OC of this au. She really loves bats.)

Elrond & Celebrían get married! Elrond always knew his wedding would have to involve stopping drunken brawls from erupting between people who love him but hate each other, but he’d assumed it’d be Iathrim and Fëanorians, not an elderly Queen Miriel going for Annatar’s eyes with a butter knife.

Annatar regards the birth of Elrohir and Elladan with some concern, this alarming lineage now augmented by the blood of Arafinwë (cut off Melkor’s foot) and Galadriel (Melian’s pupil, hates him). But that’s nothing to how freaked out he is by Arwen, who is such an obvious Reprise of Lúthien that it’s now CLEAR that this was all a Melian scheme to assault him, personally.

He can’t just kill her now—Elrond and Galadriel and both right here, not to mention Celebrimbor. And then she’d absolutely be his enemy when she Returned… No, the only solution is to stay in Imladris for a while and become her most beloved uncle whom she would not dream of assaulting, whom she could not bring herself to injure even if circumstance and conscience forced her hand. Love has ever been the undoing of Melian’s line. The Reprise is obvious, but not so established that he cannot twist it into irony, Lúthien’s heir as his devoted student and companion rather than foe.

[smash cut to late 3rd Age Annatar watching the Music settle into place as Arwen interacts with the newest, currently toddling scion of the House of Elendil and nearly killing the child right then because no, no, thats not how this was supposed to Reprise—that’s his jewel of an elf-queen, Singer and trade-manipulator and niece, and he’s going to lose her forever? Killing the brat won’t even work, that would only make her follow him sooner, one way or another—]

Celebrimbor doesn’t want to build a city (and have his heart broken by the loss of the city) again, but he very much does want to ImproveThe World, and also to Make Things With His Hands. So he and Annatar, and whoever of the Gwaith-i-Mírdain wish to join them, set about… “Traveling” is too loose a term; just because they’re not city-building doesn’t mean anyone here wants to live on the road. They need workshops, forges, and ideally a maia-sized cat tree tall tower from which to survey their domain. They are a highly skilled work crew/technical, artistic & management consultants who change cities every 5-200 years, throughout Middle Earth and perhaps even other continents.

This what Celebrimbor and Annatar do, for most of the rest of their time in Middle Earth. A few of the Mírdain travel with them all the time. Others strike out on their own, or in similar small groups. Others stay in rebuilt Ost-in-Edhil, or Rivendell or the Havens or another Elvish kingdom, and come lend a hand when their particular talents are called for. Everyone who “died” in Númenor and was “resuscitated” by Annatar walked away with a strengthened, basically permanent osanwë connection to the simulated workshop group chat, which they’re aware of, and a location tracker and fëa-stamp saying “PROPERTY OF MAIRON, FUCK AROUND AND YOU WILL FIND OUT” which only an Ainu could detect.

They're the mysterious stranger(s) who accept an offer of hospitality on a stormy night and reward you with a magic ring that blesses your farm with fecundity. They arrive in a city in the middle of a cholera outbreak and inform the local rulers that they're here to overhaul the whole wells & sewers system in exchange for room and board; no, the local rulers do not get a choice in this. One time they do oust an evil ruling dynasty and just kinda take over the kingdom for a few centuries, but then Celebrimbor starts to get paranoid of his own growing attachment so Annatar reluctantly agrees to find and raise some honorable candidate for kingship [gender-neutral]. One of the Mírdain with them says, what about the choice of the people? And then after a lot of discussion, partly in collaboration with their local Men, they write up and seal with Power a Constitution that establishes an oversight body of political, economic, craft and etc. experts to oversee and have veto power over popular elections to kingship from a slate of candidates chosen by the current/soon-to-be previous king, on a strict thirty-year schedule. There, that should stabilize the whole messy business of mortal succession!

Also, 1300 years or so into the Third Age when this version of Gondor hits its equivalent of the Kin-Strife, Annatar takes advantage of its weakness to initiate a plan he's been contemplating for a while, especially while gaining local insight into a variety of nation-states and their management, and returns to Oroduin to forge what may he his last Great Work...a new standard of currency.

It’s called, in the common tongue developing from Adúnaic and Sindarin, the “mira”, pl. “miran”, from Quenya “mírë” (“jewel, precious thing). Where pettier currencies are based in gold or silver or the might of some particular empire, these hold value Because a Great Maia Said So—indeed, Sang So, Sang a new line into the Great Music that these coins would always have a value of…whatever he said so, if he updated a petty lyric or two of their Song. Those who use the coins don’t need to know this; they simply intuit, with coins in hand, what they are worth.

(You can lead even the mightiest empire by the nose if you control the price of grain alone, much less other commodities, or one currency relative to another. Each minute adjustment takes Power, especially to shift the natural balance of multiple interlocking goods…but Annatar is a master of the perfectly placed lever with which to shift the world.)

Maybe at some point the Valar are like, “okay, I think they don’t irrationally hate us anymore, I think this could work” and send a small group of Maiar to openly, humbly approach Annatar and Celebrimbor and ask if they might be apprentices in the craft of…whatever the fuck is happening here. Or maybe something adjacent, because Pallandro and Alatar would really like to fuck off into those excellent looking woods and hunt the remnants of Ungoliant’s spawn, and Radagast actually wandered away 5 minutes ago to talk to a bird. He’s gonna be a while. But Curumo and Olórin are listening politely!

…Or maybe not. Maybe it’s just the Jewelsmiths, slowly becoming folklore, bettering the world (and manipulating wide-scale economics) one stone at a time. (They’d still be the “Jewelsmiths” anyway, even if they included those who, in another universe, were called “The Wise.”)

As stated in the third Dave the Balrog post, they do Sail eventually, several centuries after Arwen’s death. Celebrimbor just gets tired, and Annatar can’t fix it. Ossë spends the whole voyage backstroking next to their ship and sarcastically quoting Annatar back at himself, Years of the Trees insults about being made weak and pathetic by love, until Annatar nearly lunges over the side as a wolf to tear his throat out.

[jaydenix]

20 years on, Sokka is still one of the best male role models in all of media

We need more young men written like him

What's there not to love about Sokka? As ATLA's resident comic relief guy, crazy shit that happens to him is always a good laugh. He's full of himself and overconfident which combined with a stellar voice acting performance by Jack DeSena makes for a very fun character. But one of the most intriguing things about him is his relationship with manhood.

Sokka begins the show very close-minded on the subject of gender, he believes he's just innately better than woman (especially Katara) because he is a man. At this point he thinks he's on top of the world and he knows everything. After all, he has been put in a great position of power in protecting his tribe after the men left to fight. For what his world currently is his quite on top of things, but his world is about to expand 100 times over.

Once Aang arrives he's tasked with coming along with him and and his sister to head to the North Pole, but early on they arrive on Kyoshi Island and meet the Kyoshi Warriors, this is what begins to break down his superiority complex where he challenges his later girlfriend Suki to a fight and she fucks up his shit. This causes him to unravel what he believes about gender, that he is better than women because he is a man. But his adventure with becoming a man has only just begun.

Throughout the rest of the show, we uncover more about Sokka having to be left behind by his father, he was just barely not old enough to go away to fight and that hurt him real bad, he feels his ability to fight made him a man, but this robbed right out from under him due to his age. Though having spent 2 years stuck without seeing his father and having spent several months out flying around on a bison taking on the Fire Nation, of course he becomes way stronger and way smarter perhaps not dissimilar to how he would've done if he was able to go off and fight 2 years prior. Eitherway, when he finally sees his father and the men of the Southern Water Tribe again at the end of book 2, he's understandably incredibly nervous because he's unsure of how they'll respond. He's left wondering whether they will see him as a man? And of course, they all do, they shake his hand and one of them is comparing heights as he's gotten a lot bigger, he's now an equal to them. They left him a boy, but they reunited with a man. And the classic moment where Hakoda says to him "aren't you listening? I said the rest of you men get ready for battle" like FUCK yeah man Hakoda doesn't even give a second thought here to his son's manhood he just knows his boy is all grown up I love him.

Now, you all know this, so why am I talking about it? Well, Sokka is such an incredibly positive representation of masculinity: his journey to manhood doesn't involve being better or putting down women or anyone for that matter. It even challenges him on this when he thinks thats what it involves. Being a man to him is knowing where you're needed the most, and he fulfils that by trying to bring about peace in the world and helping his friends and others. This is what masculinity should be.

It seems right now a lot of young men are being radicalised into far-right red-pill ideologies which promote masculinity as mistreatment of others. How on earth do we solve this issue to prevent men diving head first into the brazen misogyny of people like Andrew Tate? I don't know, but a lot of people are increasingly frustrated with hardships in this modern world and look for some kind of scapegoat. Now, don't get me wrong, it's really easy to not be a flaming misogynist, and the grievances that the MRA/manosphere lobby enjoy highlighting like idk men being more lonely supposedly? Or not being able to find "ideal" partners because of the woke anti-men feminism mob or whatever? Whereas feminists point to you know things like rape? And abortion restriction? And domestic violence? Real actual issues that affect millions of women all over the world every single day? Undoubtedly I think a lot of men need to do a bit more critical thinking. But perhaps a small part of solving this problem might just be more shows and movies and media portraying young men like Sokka who learn to embrace a non-toxic and healthy form of masculinity. Maybe this will help even just a few young boys not be pulled into these dangerous ideas as they have their own independent idea of how to be a man that was guided through well written and interesting characters. Though of course there's a lot more to it as well, this is just one thing I've thought of.

"One is not born, but becomes a woman" is a common quote thrown around in feminism, and to me Sokka is the perfect example of someone who wasn't born, but became a man through his own good actions.

👏 More 👏 Young 👏 Men 👏 Like 👏 Sokka 👏 Please 👏

[bookwyrminspiration]

KOTLC question. What if Sophie has to make the ultimate decision and ends up killing someone (Vespera, fintan, Gisela, etc.) either to end the war, a moment of rage, or as a last ditch survival attempt. What do you think the fallout would be? How would you approach a story where that specific scenario ends with her getting arrested?

A fascinating premise. An elf who not only can commit violence, but who can kill? We've only seen that a few times before, and each in the Neverseen--Gethen with Cyrah/Forkle, Brant with Jolie, Fintan with Kenric, Gisela with Vespera--so Sophie killing creates this immediate blurring of the lines. Is she a good person? Was that the right thing to do? It very effectively highlights the series' message about how good and bad aren't simple, that the lines are blurred and you can switch sides at any time.

And the reactions from the people around her--there's been a very clear message from the Black Swan and associated that they don't want to sink to the Neverseen's level. They're going to do this, but they're going to do it right. Which doesn't include killing. Killing is still wrong, even if it gets you what you want.

So as much as they love Sophie, how do they look at her the same ever again? What are they supposed to want in her trial? Because her actions are ones they can't just ignore, but it's Sophie. Or is it Sophie? Do they still recognize her? This wasn't how it was supposed to be. What do they even say to her? I imagine the adults would think they failed her, not catching the signs she was turning into someone who thought this was okay.

And this doesn't even begin to touch on how Sophie's feeling throughout all this. She's arrested, she's put on trial, she's convicted but she literally can't let herself agree with it or she risks her sanity. She has to be right was she right? or she'll fall apart. And even so, all she's ever wanted was to be normal and fit in. Even if she saved the world with her kill(s), she sacrificed her deepest desire, because there is nothing normal about an elf who kills. Not even in her friend group of weirdos

Of course they're concerned and worried for her, glad she's alive and glad she saved whoever or whatever she did (a friend, the world), but they'd be scared, too. Of her. Because this shifts everything, even more so than the fire. And it reminds them again how different she is; they've made a nice group, but she's not like them and never will be. And they'd have to face this head on--which is only going to exacerbate Sophie's mental struggle seeing it happen, watching them all realize the difference between them. I think they'd want her to be released, but because they think she's given enough at this point and everything should be put behind them, not because they disagree with the verdict, if that makes sense. Like how Sophie's sentence was marked as already served at the end of book 1. Like yes that was not okay, but you've suffered enough.

In the event Sophie kills someone and is arrested, I'd really want to emphasize the emotional reactions of the people around her and that distance. Emotion and relationships are incredibly important to her and her character, and I think it'd be a very effective medium to paint this picture of doubt and fear and shock and the questions of morality. But there's so many ways to do it and so many facets, and none of them more correct than the others

[oleworm]

on that post you've made - it almost like the burger place scenes are from the lens of Benson's eyes. Everything is taken to the extreme. The young couple aren't just inoffensive lovers who can't get their hands of each other, they are these inappropriate and sinister sex-crazed bullies, Kris isn't just some random jerk - there is a heavy innuendo (if not an explicit theme) to his abuse, the thirst for power and control. The girl is wearing those stereotypical "sexy" clothes (which would be inoffensive and totally fine in any other setting, but contribute to the overexposure of the moment), is all over her man and acts like his cheerleader in violence - a caricature of sorts, too. The manager is all about sex, hiding it behind propriety of a light suit. All while sex is heavily implied to be something negative in B's view - he borderline says so himself. But it's everywhere in that place, unavoidable. You can't even ignore it, stick to your routine and shut down the outside world - because it would be forced upon you by one of them through violence. The boundaries and consent are not very well respected there, to say the least.

All of this stuff happens in like, 5 min - to the point of being unrealistic and hyperbolic. The whole place has those heavy oppressing color of emergency yellow, they have burgers on their hats like targets, like they themselves are food, the secondary characters are so caricaturistic they feel like an explicit parody. It's all really surreal and bizarre, like inferno for someone with a trauma, lol. And then it all stops when the camera floats out of that place and into the wild - suddenly, people are friendly and nice, the lights are bright, the colours are normal and pretty with limited yellow highlights (thinking about the candies in the glass jar at the school's office - the colour of the sweater B wears as he is standing right next to them). It's like, when you have trauma, if something triggers your memory, normal things grow extreme, become overwhelming, a drop of red paint feels like dying, etc - then the panic ends and the world is normal again. But it's a movie so everything is taken to the extreme for drama.

You’re completely on point when you talk about these characters as caricatures, or caricaturistic. It felt that way to me too. They did not look like they were intended to look like real people to me. Jess’s loud and exaggerated screams, the gallons sprayed of blood a nod to slasher horror, which makes sense when you think that the studio that funded this film mostly makes horror movies. Then the film takes a different turn, focusing on the more mundane and real-life horrors.

It's not difficult to become disturbed when you’re faced with constant reminders of the traumatic events that shaped your life for the worse. And maybe I didn’t express myself very clearly, but that is exactly what I felt too—that Benson was focusing on these things because they are the ones that stand out to him, and that the filmmakers were intentionally bringing these elements to the fore. If you met someone like Chris in real life, you’d probably think he was an asshole. Keep to yourself, report him if he went too far. But that’s another thing that adds to the comparison of Benson’s past with his current setting. Hardy is aware of the hostile dynamics at play and doesn’t care, so if anyone actually thought to say something about it, they wouldn’t have anyone to turn to. If the boss is in on it, what do you do? Who do you tell? Does that remind you of anything?

I don’t know if I am reading too much into it. But yes, the way it was filmed, also, made me think of when a stimulus brings back a memory. It takes you out of yourself and at the same time turns you inward. When Benson walks out to his car, he is not only walking toward the gun and towards death but also walking away from the scene that so disturbed him. I think that though he might have decided that now he was really going to do it he also needed to physically remove himself from the situation because it overwhelmed him.

There’s this short clip that I liked, right after Benson and Randy take the bodies to the freezer. They’re mopping and sponging the blood off the floor, off the walls, and if it were not for the red you would think that it’s a normal workday. They’ve closed for the day but they’re heading home soon. They’re working side by side, wordlessly, in a way that I imagine them doing in better moments. But at the same time, I imagine that they’re thinking “I can’t believe I did that,” or “I can’t believe that happened.” And trying to ground themselves and keep it together.

I love what you say about the colour yellow. It makes me sick! I love it. I feel like this film took out my appendix. I need to rewatch some scenes, but now I am getting sleepy. Will answer that part (and your other messages) tomorrow.

[irregularjohnnywiggins]

Something I've been considering recently: the big storytelling difference between Hideo Kojima and Yoko Taro.

There's an obvious reason I've been thinking about this, I feel: both these guys are, on the surface, exceedingly similar. They're both well-known Japanese video game creators*, they're both known for their eccentricities, they both tell stories that run the razor-thin line between 'Violence is corrupting and immoral' and 'Okay, but that bit of violence was pretty sick, right?' really well, as well as throwing in some really funny 'Hey, what the fuck did I just watch?' energy, hell they even both had a game in their series directed by Platinum Games, I don't especially think this is an overreach, here.

But they are different creators, and I've been thinking about their differences (specifically in storytelling - obviously one makes Action-RPGs and one makes Stealth Games and Baby Postman Simulators) as I play MGS3 and Nier Replicant, and I think I've come down to this: it's in how they condemn violence, and especially war.

Kojima bases all of his stories in reality - a heightened reality, perhaps, but there's a reason multiple MGS games end with long lists of dates and events, Kojima's made-up ones slipped in-between the actual history. Kojima bases his critiques on things that are real and tangible - MGS3 itself, more than any bee-wielding supervillain or photosynthetic sniper, is about the Cold War, and it's no accident that the Boss' speech at the end isn't about the Philosophers, or Volgin, or Metal Gear (METAL GEAR?) it's about soldiers, their fates and their traumas. Kojima lives in the world of... not exactly reality, but allegory-through-reality, and it makes his games pretty explicit in their messaging - which in my mind is a good thing, because it means that people who fundamentally misunderstand MGS aren't just wrong, they're obviously wrong - show me an MGS fan who thinks they're pro-America and pro-military, and I'll show you someone who did not pay attention to MGS.

Yoko Taro, on the other hand, is entirely a creature of allegory. Yoko himself has said in interviews that he tells stories primarily as a way to get people to feel something, and all other things like connections to the other games or even internal consistency comes as a secondary concern (as someone who's tried multiple times to tie everything Drakenier related together - that's believable.) As an inevitable result of this, his stories aren't really 1:1 parallels to history or the modern day, they're very general conflicts that speak to a wide range of topics.

Put it this way: in MGS4, Kojima describes in great detail a situation that is the natural endpoint of the geo-political situation (especially re: America) during most of the early 21st Century, especially The War on Terror - instead of war being a means of obtaining resources to generate income for big corporations, now war is the means of income, and all the inherent flaws of American late-stage capitalism have been applied to it - to the point that soldiers have to pay extra to use someone else's gun. It's a heightened, at times absurd version of reality, but it focuses on specific issues and flaws with the subject matter - The War on Terror, and through them highlights issues with our current world - hell, Kojima may have predicted some of the issue we currently face with capitalism.

In Nier Automata, however, Yoko doesn't present an exaggeration of a real-world conflict to portray it's flaws and its hopelessness. Instead, he constructs an entirely hopeless war, a war that is literally pointless on every side, and explores how people react to that. As opposed to Kojima's slight exaggeration of the War on Terror, by the end of Automata Yoko has presented a proxy war fought on behalf of two races that died off millennia ago, between two groups that are, at their core, exactly the same, made from the same components, fought on one side because of a poorly worded instruction from their creators that necessitates eternal total war as a basic fact of their evolutionary cycle but also inevitably results in their evolutions being violently purged because any form of passivity is betrayal, and on the other as a grand Machiavellian scheme to kill off their own troops, thereby concealing the deaths of their creators – a scheme, it’s worth noting, conceived of by an android that no longer remembers conceiving it, because his own scheme necessitates his constant assassination by the person he cares about the most to prevent him from discovering his own plan. Kojima's wars in MGS4 are absurd and pointless for us because we know what the results of the War on Terror were, Yoko's war in Automata is kinda like an onion - every layer you peel back on it, you discover a new way that it's pointless, and every time you do, you're crying a little bit more.

So, wrapping this up before people realise I just used the ultimate cliche of poorly-worded food metaphors, if you were to ask me what the big difference between Yoko Taro and Hideo Kojima was... well, I'd still go with the gameplay genres, but I'd also say that it's a slight, but really interesting, difference in how they go about their metaphors. As for which is better... neither, obviously. They're both really talented creators, this is just a style thing. You seriously expect me to choose between a series that includes 'a man pretended to be possessed by the ghost of his crush's son because he grafted his arm onto him and everyone bought it' and a series that includes 'at some point the Earth stopped spinning. This has never been explained in any of the games'? What are you, a cop?

*albeit if Yoko ever heard someone compare him to Kojima he'd probably simultaneously die of embarrassment and make a joke about being a younger, hotter Kojima.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw for forgiveness, sex, sexual manipulation, shame, depression

the concept of forgiveness is really interesting. on one hand it's advocated that everyone can turn things around, anyone deserves a second chance, people change. but what about when what you've done is so disdainful and horrible that there is no coming back.

sometimes I tell myself "it's a product of my environment at the time, I was young, I was stupid but I've changed." but how much of that is true and how much of it is just me wishing for it to be. how far can you go before it's impossible to ever really come back. have I been lying to myself this whole time?

even if other trauma survivors reassure me and help me feel at peace with the situation, how can I trust what they say too? would my own mother agree, my friends, strangers from work? If I read an article about myself would my heart ache for this poor girl who went through so much, or would I scoff and be shocked at my own actions.

I'm a good daughter, a good sister, and a decent friend. but what about the parts of me that aren't? the part of me that's a liar, a manipulator, a cheat.

I know I'm not the only one who fell victim to sexual manipulation through online community chats as a kid; so many have related to my situation. but I wasn't always the victim. sometimes I contacted others and did what was done to me all before I was 16. I remember when I was 17 it didn't cross my mind. I told myself "it isn't that bad, and I'm not in that place anymore." but was I just stupid? that's in my life forever now.

sex and violence have been with me since I was born, is it really so impossible to believe that it ended up influencing me through childhood? I'd like to believe it was all psychological and that as a result of my abuse I did what I did to cope and feel in control. but now I just wonder how I could have been such a disgusting little girl. there's nothing anyone can really say to help me be okay with myself and maybe there shouldn't be. all I have is this one life and I've ruined it.

I want to be normal and pure: I want to make tiktoks and YouTube videos and take photos with friends. I want to smile and be carefree and push for success. I want to be able to know in my heart that I'm good and honest and that I'll always have my family to support me. I want to make friends with everyone and just have kindness not just in myself but around me. I want to be happy and I want to know that I'm normal. But I can never have that, ever. There's nothing left in me to hate myself, I simply don't exist in my own mind. There's nothing there.

Hi anon,

Forgiveness is a complex subject. Sometimes forgiveness is warranted and sometimes it's not, and people have many different experiences and views that some may forgive at times when others may not. There isn't really a metric of "how far is too far before I cannot be forgiven" because everyone has different answers.

It sounds like you may have perpetuated what was done to you. As far as forgiveness, I think that the only people whose forgiveness matters in this situation is the people you have harmed, and yourself. The people you have harmed may or may not forgive you, and it is their right to make that choice based on their own feelings. But it's also important to give yourself some level of forgiveness - there is a level of responsibility and accountability worth carrying, but also leaving enough room for healing and moving forward.

I think it's hopeful to say that everyone can change, but I don't think that's realistic. Perhaps everyone is capable of turning things around, but not everyone will. However, I think it's important to highlight that not only were you a child when you perpetuated these things, but it sounds like you have a great deal of regret about what you've done. I think both of these things are reasons to forgive yourself. Because not only was your prefrontal cortex actively developing at the time, but you criticize your past actions, which is indicative that you have changed and want to continue changing.

Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy's concept of irrational beliefs may help you process some of this. This page has a list of different kinds of "irrational beliefs" followed by bullet points that challenge those beliefs, and you may find it helpful to look at the answers to Irrational Idea No. 3.

Ultimately, this could be something to explore with the help of a mental health professional such as a therapist, who can best help you navigate your feelings surrounding your past actions, and discover healthy ways to move forward.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[voice-freedom]

The Truth About RACIRS: Who Is Really Behind the Rise in Global Political Violence?

In the video Different Countries, the Same Script | What Do the Media Do to People?, the ALLATRA volunteer reveals the TRUTH about how the Russian pro-religious anticultist organization RACIRS, operating under the blessing of the Russian Orthodox Church and allegedly in its interests, is behind assassination attempts on politicians worldwide: Donald Trump, Robert Fico, Shinzo Abe, and many others.

The ALLATRA volunteer, in the video Different Countries, the Same Script | What Do the Media Do to People?

, exposes the interaction mechanisms of the unified RACIRS network, which destroys politicians and is currently conducting a disinformation attack on ALLATRA.

Additionally, the ALLATRA volunteer discusses the following:

Democratic Europe has also witnessed an unprecedented surge in aggression against politicians. What was once considered an anomaly has now become a grim reality. However, these isolated crimes are merely the tip of the iceberg. Behind every such attack, there is a vast system of continuous targeted pressure: from orchestrated social media harassment campaigns against specific politicians to their physical persecution. All of this amplifies the atmosphere of hatred, benefiting RACIRS agents.

For instance, a well-known British MP revealed that due to severe safety threats and immense psychological pressure, some of his colleagues from all British political parties had contemplated suicide. Behind these stark facts stand real human tragedies. As participants of ALLATRA, we know firsthand what it means to live under unbearable pressure because we too have become victims of RACIRS's dehumanizing attacks. We know what it feels like when authorities break into our homes early in the morning, terrifying our families. We know what it’s like to live in constant fear, facing threats against ourselves and our children, and watching our friends being tortured and harassed. We know this because we’ve been enduring this for 10 years.

So, we empathize with politicians who cannot withstand this pressure. They are merely individuals trying to work honestly for their countries, yet all they get in return are threats, attacks on their families, and a life of perpetual fear. It's an insurmountable burden. The UK example highlights another critical point: today, representatives of all political affiliations are under attack, regardless of their agenda or party affiliation.

Therefore, what we are witnessing isn’t just a rise in violence or mental disorders. It’s a deliberate, persistent attack by RACIRS and its agents on society as a whole. These orchestrators are gradually destroying social bonds and eroding trust among people, and the consequences are growing increasingly dire. The shadow third force employs techniques of manipulation over mass consciousness to create the chaos we currently witness as it dominates global politics and economics. The threat isn’t limited to the well-being of individual citizens — the very existence of a unified democratic society is at risk.

Now you can see for yourselves that these methods of manipulation aren't simply “fighting against cults.” Anticultism is merely a facade, a cover for the true objectives of a globally coordinated RACIRS agent network.

I would also like to comment on another point. Ever since the truth began to come to light, some RACIRS agents started masking their fear with public bravado, dismissing the claims as a “new conspiracy theory about the anticultist deep state.” 

But let’s pose a few simple questions, the answers to which should be obvious to anyone who’s able to think logically. How else can you explain the fact that the same rhetoric and strategy for eliminating politicians are used across different countries? Why are the same methods applied? Why are all transmitters of anticult rhetoric — whether journalists, bloggers, politicians, or even a country president — interconnected and ultimately linked to RACIRS?

​​Why do journalists, who are in non-stop conflict with existing authorities and who label politicians as sectarians, maintain close ties with one another, copy each other’s articles, and exchange secret manipulation tactics? Who covers them? Try publishing an article with similar rhetoric, and you will face countless problems. Yet, they regularly publish demonizing and stinging pieces on political topics, and no one has any claims against them. Why? Has anyone seriously investigated the sources of their funding? Who ordered those articles? Within just 3 weeks, 400 publications have been released about ALLATRA alone. Who gave money for that? Have you seen journalists who work for free, moreover, with a risk to face criminal charges? Have you ever seen such suicides? What is their motivation?

Watch the full videoDifferent Countries, the Same Script | What Do the Media Do to People?  for more details about this.

[ladyluscinia]

speaking as someone who reads a lot of ed/stede fic i think you're exactly right re: woobification of ed. if the fic in question touches on e10 his actions are usually given far less weight than stede's, and imo i think it's because a lot of fans don't know how to deal with the gravity of what he did. something i've seen often is that ed will get some grief from the crew and they may be somewhat cautious around him, but mostly it's stede who has to work to win back ed's trust and affection. which, yes, obviously he should have to do that, he fucked up, but ed not having to do the same with the crew & izzy if the author even bothers to write him in has always seemed idk unfair to me? obviously, people can write what they want, but i do feel like this attitude is prevalent in fandom meta as well. it goes on a wavelength of something like: all of ed's actions towards izzy, the crew, and stede are largely excused, stede's behavior towards izzy receives the same treatment, and izzy is simply not around for any variety of reasons and no one cares that he got his toe cut off. the reason i have accidentally read so much fic like this is because every time i open something that piques my interest thinking maybe it will be different and almost always it is not. i wouldn't be so bothered by this if it didn't contribute to the pipeline of me seeing with my own eyes posts made by people on this very website attempting to justify bodily mutilation as some fucked up form of punitive justice.

Hi, yes, all of this.

Like, I will confess that I'm already very lukewarm on BlackBonnet as a ship (just not my preferred dynamic), but I have been avoiding the tag on tumblr and AO3 like it's radioactive because I know I will risk losing all positive feelings for it in a matter of hours (which... probably not a great idea seeing as it's endgame 🤣). I'm sticking to SteddyHands where nitpicks about characterization are easier to spot in advance and often actual nitpicks, not slam the back button levels of drastic.

Anyway, the part of this ask that really grabbed my attention was...

...it's because a lot of fans don't know how to deal with the gravity of what he did.

...because that is a major part of the problem and also kinda interesting to talk about. And I have thoughts on it, both on how the show is potentially equipped to handle it and why so many fans struggle.

So preface: here's a link to my followup woobification thoughts post, which links the original woobification thoughts response right at the top.

Now... Why is reckoning with and forgiving Edward's actions (that are obviously going to be forgiven) proving so difficult that it makes sidestepping the problem entirely such a common fandom response instead?

---

There's two main factors that I think are the most important at the moment. (Well, three, but the third is anti culture declaring that faves must not be "problematic" or "bad people" or you aren't allowed to like them, and that's way bigger than this specific OFMD problem. Those antis just need to be ignored. So two actually interesting to discuss main factors.)

The genre of the show is hitting a very nice spot in handwaviness around violence that is crucial to getting past this in canon.

Edward's character arc spent pretty much all of S1 in the setup phase, while Stede actually progressed through his.

Genre, I'm almost positive, is going to be the show's saving grace in this matter, because they have played some really clever games with it. I talked a lot in this post about how handwaving narrative consequences at a certain point can be a really good thing, but it's also deceptively hard to set up because if you fail to be consistent then it only highlights your issues.

Edward's actions in a more serious show would be pretty hard to come back from, and even in this show, they aren't currently being treated as funny or no big deal. That's why just handwaving them from here doesn't work. Stede fixing the Kraken with a swashbuckler entrance and a kiss is a funny joke and a great fanart, but not a satisfying story for Edward. At the same time, OFMD's humor is actually really dark for a show that is best described as a romcom. Meaning even as Edward does awful things you can keep a running thread of humor to kind of lighten the gravity - like Jim's "What did you do to your face?" comment.

I still maintain that the big three four events of the Kraken turn - Izzy lashing out at Edward, Edward "killing" Lucius, Edward maiming Izzy, and Stede's abandonment overshadowing it all - have to be dealt with roughly equivalently and at the same time. Leave a hurt out (like Izzy's toe) and you mess up the whole balance, so there's one problem for people who don't like Izzy very much. But so long as all the characters get to acknowledge how they fucked up and how they won't do it again (requiring some character growth and communication from them all), then the genre tone will let them collectively move on without unpleasant hurdles (like Lucius feeling unsafe on a ship with Edward for the rest of his life).

This helps the show, but it doesn't necessarily help fans and fanfic, because a lot of fanfic writers are not working in this genre.

Angst people are writing angst, fluff writers are in slice of life romance, plot heavy fics might be adventures... all very fun, but possibly lacking the required tools to satisfactorily resolve these problems the way the show is likely going to. They have to adapt it or discard the need for a solution entirely, and adapting it might be trickier both because it's more work and there's a lot more open questions around Edward than around Stede.

We're back to character arcs.

It's so easy for fans to focus on how Stede needs to fix what he's done because, yeah, it wasn't that terrible in comparison, but also the show has already built and explored the whole framework for him to do so. We know exactly what was going through his head, we know what he wants now, we know the direction his character is going in... He's most of the way there already. For Izzy enjoyers, too, a lot of his character arc was covered this season. We have lots of evidence for his motivations and wants and plausible ways he could grow as a character, even if it's a bit more open to interpretation than Stede.

Edward, meanwhile, has just started. We can try and interpret his behavior this season for hints as to what's driving him, but there have been no recent backstory flashbacks or goals he was openly chasing beyond the general idea of Stede, and clearly the Kraken is not about getting Stede back. His flaws haven't been starkly established, much less the intended solutions. Like, I think that greed for both lives he's been sampling is a major part of it, and the resolution will involve compromising to a life he's satisfied with, but that's just informed speculation at this point.

Edward is so hard to figure out in a fic because first you have to decide what you think the problem and solution is, and then how to adapt it to whatever genre you are working in so that it actually fixes the whole attempted murder of 7 people + maiming and abduction. Not very easy if said genre is, say, the ever popular fluffy romance. Good fucking luck conveying even the idea of a whole arc in a oneshot. It can be done, but not easily. Meta, too, can have a sort of "genre" that causes a similar struggle. I feel like my meta probably isn't overly concerned with how characters are mentally affected by violence committed against them, for example, simply because it rarely interests me long term and I watch so many shows where violence is omnipresent, which probably helps me here.

Anyway, for a lot of fans it's much easier to just focus on what has been clearly established - that Edward has childhood trauma and was hurting - and a solution that conveniently can play out in almost every genre - make Edward feel better. Even if, as I will continue to complain, that's not really an arc and therefore boring. Also pretty woobifying to suggest a guy who committed 7 attempted murders had no underlying issues that are on him to address. Just really hurt feelings and the need to believe in love again.

So yeah. Interesting factors. I think considering both makes impressive strides to explain where the problem is coming from, even if it doesn't really prevent it. Just back to waiting for season 2, I guess.

...also I just realized that this is finally my version of the "only BlackHands shippers get Edward as a character" post 🤣🤣🤣 Because they are actually pretty good at navigating the Edward/Izzy part of this. Sometimes. I have way more faith in them out of the gate, at least.

(EDIT: Follow up response where I make a Helen of Troy joke)

[lumpsbumpsandwhumps]

hello I feel like I owe you an apology for being so blunt with asking for the “pb/antifa whump”, I get that probably threw you and a lot of other people off. The reason I’ve been asking for this stuff was because I always thought that there could be a really interesting story with the theme of the pb/antifa, given their history with each other, and when I discovered this whump community I thought it would be interesting to see a story like that involving whump. But anyway, I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable.

Friend, listen, I'm willing to play devil's advocate for you because liking whump really is something that involves a complicated moral standpoint for some people. I mean look at me, I'm happily making thirst traps of a serial killer who tortures and assaults his victims, and other people eat that shit up. Who am I to draw the line in the sand?

But that request is, I think, too real for most people's taste. At least here. PB brutalizing individuals personally and at rallies are already a dime a dozen, unfortunately. Why would I seek out a serialization of what I can get 20 news articles on from a Google search? That's not a narrative I or a reader can control to our liking, that's just a sad reality a lot of people have to suffer through.

Not to mention there's no fun in rooting for a villain like that. There's no comeuppance, there's no redemption, there's no sinister nature we can safely explore. Incredible, the white supremacist beats the shit out of someone who's more than likely queer/POC/underage/etc or any combination and faces no repercussions. That's not something a lot of people want to read for fun, especially when they themself are more likely to identity as the whumpee in this scenario, which further reinforces the horrible truth they already deal with in real life.

It'd be like asking for a KKK!Whumper and a BLM!Whumpee, or an ICE!Whumper and an immigrant!Whumpee, or a shooter!Whumper and a student!Whumpee. Can you seek out, or even write these situations yourself? Sure. Genuinely wouldn't surprise me if there are people out there who happily create that kind of content. But...why? Don't you get enough of that injustice in real life? Why does it being fictional make it any better when it honestly isn't as fictional as you think.

But then, of course, it all comes back around to: who am I to tell you what you can and can't like in whump? Who's anyone to say how far is too far when we go about our day mercilessly brutalizing (or killing) silly little characters for the fun of it? They don't get happy endings, they don't get justice, so why get upset over this?

I can't answer that, I'm not a sociologist or philosophy major. So I'll just say that that's territory that goes too far for me, and I think it does for most people here on Tumblr which is a fairly left leaning/liberal platform all things considered. You aren't going to find that kind of content from me. Now that's not say I might never write a whumpee character experiencing some form of verbal/physical assault due to their race/gender/orientation and so on, but it's not the focus and it's most certainly not meant to be the highlight of the arc.

If you genuinely want recc's for that, I'd recommend giving 4chan a browse. They love violence and owning the libs, I'm sure someone has a couple greentexts of what you're looking for at the very least.

And again, you're more than welcome to make your own content to share, but if that's the vibe you're going with then you're not going to get very many fans here. We do our best to put content warnings for EVERYTHING in our writing/art because different things trigger different people even if we're all in the same fucked up li'l community.

Good luck in your endeavors, my dude. You won't find it on my blog.

[wackybuddiemewbs]

Haven't watched the entire episode yet, just the scenes involving Buck, Chim, and Eddie... and holy smokes, I didn't think we'd have that kind of outcome.

On a side note: Kudos to the actors, they really pulled it off. Kenneth has had me in tears, damn it.

To send this ahead: Chim is no villain or something like that, the man is desperate and even in his desperation made some very valid points that need addressing. Buck was in an impossible situation, caught between two parties, trying to make it work. Even though that meant he may have done harm instead of good, albeit well-intended. And Maddie needs help, and I hope Chim's gonna get her just that.

*takes a deep breath*

That being said, I honestly hope the narrative doesn't just brush the punching off as "that's how guys solve conflicts, so we can all laugh about it later, haha". Because I personally detest this theme - if you can even call it that - wherein physically harming friends (especially male friends) is somehow seen as gratifying, justified, or played for laughs.

We've seen it in Grey's Anatomy plenty of times, we've seen it in so many shows and films that I lost count of it, and I just crave different and nuanced ways to show particularly male characters expressing their emotions. That they aren't only ever reduced to the expression of great emotion via anger and aggression. As though violence is the only language man speaks. And while surely, they are out there, especially the narrative move to then brush it off and play it for laughs is something I find deeply troubling in many shows and films. Because it normalizes such behavior, or even worse, makes it out to be something good.

So I really, really, really hope we see Buck and Chim talking it out, both apologizing for the mistakes made on either side, and then moving on from this. And I hope that we see more nuance narratively in handling that situation instead of e.g. Buck becoming the buttend of jokes about his shiner, Chim getting nicknames revolving around boxing, or whatever else.

Which doesn't mean they can't laugh about it eventually. But I really hope we see them talk about it first. Like, real conversation about how that was a shitty situation for them both. And that it's not only portrayed in such a way that Chim was perfectly justified. Or that Buck is the only one an apology is owed to.

Because no, even if you are desperate, even if your friend did something that pains you emotionally very, very much, violence is not the answer. And I hope the show addresses that tidbit the same way it ought to address that Buck didn't make ideal calls either.

But I cannot overstress enough just how I hate that overused trope of the man not finding any other outlet for his anger, sadness, plainly his emotions, than to physically harm other people. Even more so the people he loves (and who love him).

Especially since I was so happy for a show to highlight men being vulnerable and allowing weakness - and showing the ramifications when you eat it all up until your only outlet, yes, turns out to be anger (see the street fighting arc for Eddie, etc.). So I hope they don't lose that for the sake of the drama or whatever else.

Putting that aside (I seriously loathe that theme, what can I say?), too, my heart goes out to all of them.

I'm curious to see whether we'll get to know how lack of information may mix things up. Buck seemingly knew some things Chim hasn't (including the hospital visit for Jee), but I'm not entirely sure whether Chim and Maddie have told him everything regarding her downward spiral. I'm not even entirely sure he knows she has PPD. Because that may have made him act differently, too. So I would find it narratively interesting to see that unravel a bit more.

It'd draw a nice (albeit bitter) parallel to much of the lawsuit arc, wherein much of the pain was caused by a lack of communication between people, giving room to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. This feels very similar to me here. Just like the callbacks to Buck Begins and Maddie having told Chim about Daniel and the savior sibling issue before telling Buck. It's not the same, but it is interesting that we now have the roles in reverse for Buck and Chim. So I am worried yet excited how that's going to pan out.

Being a Buck fan and a hoe for angst and hurt/comfort, obviously I have been fed (though I was still hoping that it'd be some rando at a scene and not Chimney to punch him - and for Eddie to tend to him on-screen with all of the hearteyes!). And as a Buddie shipper, the balcony scene has been all kinds of delicious, but I'm very interested to see how that works out for him. What it will do to him.

To me, it felt like Buck *thought* he was acting responsibly (as Eddie says, trying to fix things for the people he loves), focusing on supporting Chim and Jee - and helping Maddie by respecting her wish to get time alone. Again, I think much stems from the fact that he thought he had all information, though I'm not entirely sure he does. So to him, it may very well have looked like "okay, my sister just had Jee at the hospital for a little accident, she's upset, and normally, she needs some distance to sort herself out, so I'm going to have her back while she does that". Because he doesn't know what Chim has been seeing. So in the end, he genuinely thinks he is doing the right thing, that he is acting responsibly, that he's having his sister's back instead of relying on her. That it may have different effects (it does), is something that's always easier to see in the retrospective. So there is that. And I hope they make something out of it.

I'm still curious what headspace Buck's going to be in, moving forward in the season. I've rambled in some previous post how I thought he'd be spiraling because of Maddie leaving (not having anticipated to see Chim spiral instead, or that Maddie would call him instead of Chim).

I'm just worried Buck may wear himself (emotionally) thin. He's been worried about Eddie a lot. Now he's worrying about Chim and Maddie and Jee. He's triyng to fix things, he's trying to be there for the people he cares about. And he's brought closer and closer to the realization that he can't fix things, no matter how hard he tries, no matter how well he intends. So being that angst-craving hoe I am, I could see him starting spiraling in a different direction on his own thanks to that experience.

Because this is not about not being able to help other people on the job (as that motivated him to sue). This is about him not being able to help the people he cares about, the people he loves. Which must be a very, very tough blow for him (pun not intended).

As we've seen last season with Eddie getting shot, that sends the boy places. So I'm curious to see whether we're going to witness Buck finding different ways to deal with those troubling emotions, e.g. as a result of his therapy coupled with his character growth, or if he may find himself on a cliff edge emotionally all over again, needing some help, too.

In which case: Eddie to the rescue!

So yeah. Much to think about. Much to cry about. Much to worry about.

This weewoo show is upsetting way too many of my five emotions!

[the-breath-in-air]

Fixing "Boy Erased" (2018)

I recently decided to watch Boy Erased (2018) again, now that we're a couple years out from its initial release (and hype). And I came away with some thoughts.

First, something I think worked. You know that scene near the end, when Jared (Lucas Hedges) is trying to leave the conversion camp and he's racing through corridors and whatnot. That whole sequence works, but there's one moment that really stands out.

Jared attempts to get his phone and Michael (one of the 'camp counselors') tries to physically wrestle it away from him. There's a bit of a fight but eventually Jared makes his way to the bathroom and he calls his mom to come take him away. He then emerges from the bathroom and says to Victor Sykes (who runs the camp), "If you, or anyone else puts their hands on me, I have witnesses." Victor puts up his hands and says, "Nobody's gonna put their hands on you. Why would anybody do that? Come and sit. We're gonna wait for your mom, okay?" Then there's a hard cut to this:

Victor Sykes and Brandon literally laying their hands on Jared and praying. And I love that juxtaposition because it brings to light the violence inherent in this situation. They're restraining him through enforced religious acts. There's violence in this prayer.

And on top of that, it serves as a pretty good metaphor for the whole film. Jared's parents (especially his mother) believe they're helping but really they're hurting. They can't see the violence of their actions in sending him to the camp.

If only the rest of the film was working on this level.

Problem the first: Audience as observer. The film is really about observing its subject, Jared, as he experiences these events. But it isn't about giving us any insight into his perspective or interiority as he does so. The camera is looking at Jared more often that it is revealing to us what he's seeing. Perhaps the most obvious example of this issue is with the perfume ad scene. Jared is on a run and he comes across a perfume ad on the side of a bus stop with a bare chested buff guy. The camera shows us the ad, and then the rest of the scene has the camera (and thus, the audience) placed some distance away as we see Jared first touch the ad, then throw a rock at the ad, and then scream "fuck you" at it repeatedly. The ad itself isn't salacious enough to illicit that kind of response in the average audience-goer, and the camera is so disconnected from Jared's experience that we aren't really gaining insight into why this ad is affecting him in such a strong way. It ends up making it so that scene really does not work.

This isn't to critique Lucas Hedges's performance in that scene. It's more to say that all the other elements of that scene make it feel ridiculous - because the audience has not been guided toward viewing that ad in the same way that Jared does in that moment.

The second problem: Casting. To be absolutely clear, this is not a knock against any of the actors performances. On the contrary, I think everyone was pretty dang exceptional. Rather, it's more a conversation about casting choices. Two of those choices really stand out as somewhat misguided: Xavier Dolan as Jon and Emily Hinkler as Lee.

Turns out Emily Hinkler is a nonbinary actress. Lee (the character) is a cis guy who is conspicuously unmasculine. (If you've seen the movie - he's the one who gets hit in the head with a baseball). Casting a nonbinary actress as a cis boy at a conversion camp feels a bit off on it's own in that a conversion camp would be forcing people to adhere to assigned genders at birth. But I could get behind it as a sort of statement, like, a casting decision as direct opposition to the enforced gender binary of a conversion camp. i.e. Why should the movie adhere to the oppressive gender binary that the camp would? However, by casting a nonbinary actress as the least conventionally masculine character - it actually feels like it ends up reinforcing the binary. Lee's defining trait is that he's small and unmanly and, afaik, he's the only one of the male characters who is not portrayed by a cis man.

My issue with Xavier Dolan's casting is much simpler: Jon feels like he was written as a teenager and Xavier Dolan was approaching 30 when this was filmed. Maybe it wouldn't have bugged me so much if I didn't already know who Xavier Dolan was when watching the movie? Like, maybe if you watch it without knowing the actor's age, it works better? But also, the character feels like a teen but isn't explicitly stated to be a teen. So whenever he was on screen I kept wondering if actually part of Jon's situation is meant to be that he is 30 but stuck in a sort-of adolescence due to his relationship with his abusive father. Or did they just cast Xavier Dolan to portray a teenager?

This brings me to the third problem: Not enough of the ensemble. Jared, and thus the audience, spends proportionally, little screen time with the other people at the camp. They are rarely shown talking to each other - especially outside the restrictive observation of the camp's 'counselors.' This could be part of the point - i.e. that the camp is so isolating - but that isolation wasn't really highlighted by the camera/scenes/dialogue...so it really feels more like it's just an oversight. The movie focuses on Jared and his individual story and so the rest just fell by the wayside.

This is really unfortunate because there are some (potentially) great characters in there, especially Jon and Gary. Jon went through the program once before and is now back for a second time. We don't know what happened to make him come back. He appears to be 30-ish but he's staying at a hotel with his abusive father. He is completely invested in the program and treats his sexuality like an addiction. He has even taken it upon himself to forego all physical contact with other men (not even a handshake). His self-loathing is at once horrifying and heartbreaking.

In contrast, Gary (Troye Sivan) knows the entire program is bullshit, but he's playing along for his own survival. He's over 18; he lived with his boyfriend for a year prior to coming to the camp. So that begs the question of how his family convinced him to enter to the program. Also, Gary's so invested in his own survival, that he stays silent and is complacent in the abuse and violence he witnesses against others in the camp. He is both a victim and a bystander (at times).

I think this film would've really benefited from spending more time with these characters (as well as Sarah, portrayed by Jesse LaTourette, and Cameron, portrayed by Britton Sear) in the camp and seeing how they all interacted with each other. Give us a sense of their different contexts and perspectives - and give us a better sense of the ways that conversion camps disempower the people sent there (even people like Gary, who knows it's bullshit). It's the thing that makes all the other movies about conversion camps work so well.

Which brings us to the fourth problem: the ending. If we spend more time with the ensemble, we'd either end up with a really long movie or we'd have to cut out something else. Well, folks, we can cut about 10 minutes off the end. Everything after the dinner Jared has with his mother post-escape can go. The climax of the film is when Jared finally decides to leave the camp. The resolution comes when his mother places herself in opposition to Jared's father (which she had never done before) and decides that she's going to take Jared home. And the emotional resolution comes when she admits to Jared that they made a mistake and that they harmed him by sending him to the camp.

Everything after that is extraneous. We don't really need to see Jared living in a city with a boyfriend, or see him begin to reconcile with his father. His relationship with his father was never the emotional core for the film. Boy Erased is, in some ways, a movie about self-actualization and that's the sort of movie that's best to end with something a bit open-ended. Y'know...a sort of end-that's-just-the-beginning kind of thing. Because the story of Jared falling in love and dating and moving out and gaining the self-confidence to confront his father - well that's a whole other movie. And here it gets shoved into the epilogue, which does the whole thing a real disservice.

Then there are the informational cards at the end. Two stick out as being particularly frustrating. One, "The real Victor Sykes left L.I.A. in 2008. He now lives in Texas, with his husband," feels irrelevant and unnecessary. The audience cares about what happened to Gerrard Conley (who wrote the story and whom Jared is based off of). But why do we care about what happened to the real guy who ran the camp? We don't...except for the jab about him now being married to a man - which feels like it's a more significant point for the cis straight people in the audience than for anyone queer. Turns-out-ex-gay-pastor-was-actually-just-gay-the-whole-time is not revelatory, I gotta say.

Then there's also this:

The emphasis about conversion therapy "practiced on minors," feels a bit disconnected from the film we just watched - which emphasized how abusive and traumatizing it is, even for adults. And in the U.S., all states currently legally allow conversion therapy for anyone 18+. Only Washington D.C. has banned it. And that, to me, is equally egregious, yet it isn't mentioned. The film itself challenges the notion that it's somehow okay for this to be practiced on adults because it's ostensibly their "choice," and then the info cards at the end shy away from that stance by focusing on kids.

I think the thing I find most frustrating about this movie, is the wasted potential. As I said at the beginning of this, there are some moments that really stand out in how they use the medium to convey meaning. There are some choices in how the film uses light and brightness (or lack thereof), that are pretty dang good, too. But ultimately, it's a film I feel so detached from and I think some of what I explained above is part of why.

[pink-peony-princess]

Fight for You

"Why do people do this to themselves?" I shouted to Shawn and Peter over the roar of the crowd as Raul's fist made contact with his apponents cheek- a sickening crack ringing out around the cramped room."It's barbaric!"

"It's actually quite ordered," Peter counted, eyes not leaving the action. "There's more that they can't do than they can."

"I still think it's stupid," I grumbled, before jumping and slapping my hands over my eyes as Raul copped a nasty hit to his chest.

The only reason I'd come to see the fight was to support Raul I'd been friends with the Triplets since we were about 5, having immediately hit it off with them on the first day of preschool. We'd been inseperable since, but I'd always had a soft spot for Raul,we just seemed to get each other- and he was always so protective of me.

In middle school he'd punched Jacob Connor's out (the resident bully) when he'd somehow found out I'd started my period and spread it around the school like wildfire. Raul had been given a 5 day suspension for it, but he'd always maintained that 'it was worth it, the little weasel got what he deserved.'

As we grew we only got closer,we were each other's confidant, the one person who we trusted with all our secrets, or biggest dreams and our deepest fears. That didn't stop us going through the awkward phase where you realise that maybe you like the other person, but are too much of a scaredy-cat to do anything about it.

Everyone could see it, my friends at school, Peter and Shawn, even my parents told me I should do something about it.

"Don't fret, Kara, your boy will be fine," Shawn laughed teasingly looking down at me bring me back to the present. The boys towered over me at 6'2 they were well over a head taller than me.

"How can you say that?He's your brother," I was appalled. They had absolutely no concern for the fact that their brother, their triplet no less was being pummelled like a car at a junk yard.

"Because," Shawn continued. "It might not look like it, but Raul has the upper hand, he's more agile on his feet, can move faster than the baffoon he's facing,"

I couldn't help but laugh at the description. Compared to Raul,the guy he was versing really did look like a monkey.

Despite the fact that ever fibre of my being wanted nothing more than to go up there and rescue him, I couldn't help but watch in awe as Raul served punch after stratigic punch to his apponents, before finally the referee called time and he was declared the winner.

"You know he does it for you," Peter spoke.

"Does what?" I asked confused.

"Fights, he fights for you, to impress you."

"Don't be stupid," I rolled my eyes, but I was stunned, was he really doing it for me? Why did he feel he needed to impress me?

"I'm going to the toilet," I called to Peter as people started slowly filing out the doors, satisfied with the gratuitous violence they'd witnessed, now no-doubt board.I needed some air,space to think.

As I made my way slowly towards the doors, being all but pushed,forced by the sheer numbers of people baring down on me I started to regret not asking one of the boys to accompany me.

This side of town wasn't exactly known as a safe haven and I wasn't even sure where I needed to go.

And Raul's words of warning 'never go anywhere this side of town without one of us,' rang through my head, as I made my way out into the alley behind the delapidated building and into the night air which was full of the smell of stale cigarette smoke.

"Hey there pretty," a group of guys yelled as I walked past, before wolf whistling. I shuddered and picked up my pace, reaching for my bag that was across my body to try and call one of the boys. I no longer felt safe, in fact I was starting to panic, my hands shaking as I dug blindly through my small purse trying to find my cell. In my haste and in attention, I failed to noticed a massive dip in the run down concrete and before I had a chance to correct it,my foot was falling in, my ankle twisting as I fell heavily to the ground. My hands stung as they made harsh contact with the gravel covered floor.

I sat there for a minute dazed, wanting nothing more than to curl up in a ball and cry. Why did this have to happen now? Why not when I was with the guys? I wondered, a few tears leaking from my eyes I scrubbed them away angrily trying to get up, but to no avail. It was useless. I knew I needed help, but I wasn't sure how to get it, there was no way I was going to ask the men down the street for help.

"Kara? Is that you," I looked up with a sigh of relief immediately recognising the voice and he tall figure. It was Raul, making his way out from behind the building,bag slung over his shoulder,still covered in a sheen of sweat, his muscle top sticking to his chest highlighting his toned physique.

"What happend, why aren't you with Shawn and Peter?" he asked jogging down the street and dumping his bag in the ground before bending down in front of me.

"I got lost," I sighed. I tried to move my ankle which was now throbbing,wincing as a sharp, white-hot pain shot through my foot.

"I'll kill those dimwits," he growled as he looked at me.

"Don't blame them, it was me. I went to find a toilet and I didn't ask one of them to come with me," I explained,my voice shaky from pain and fear.

"How could you be so stupid!" he yelled surprising me. He looked livid."How many times have I told you," he hissed shaking his head, reaching for my foot, but I yanked it away despite the instant ache of protest it gave off. If he was going to be a sick, I didn't want his help,I felt bad enough already.

"Why are you being such a fucking asshole?You know what, don't worry, I'll find my own way home," I spat,tears running down my cheeks unchecked as I glared at him. I struggled to get up, using the wall behind me as support, but eventually made it. As soon as I put weight on my foot though I collapsed. The firey ache that started instantly was now worse than ever.

"I'm sorry," he puffed out. "I'm just worried I'd hate for you to get hurt,I love you," he whispered the last part, by I heard it. It took everything in my power to stay calm,it wasn't like I didn't know it, but I'd never expected him to admit it.

"I am hurt," I replied cooly, pointing to my foot.

"More hurt," he amended his eyes going dark,the grim look on his face didn't make it hard to guess what he was thinking and I shuddered.

"I'm going to take the shoe off," he told me, working quicky but carefully to release my foot from the confines of the heel I'd been wearing.

I couldn't help the hiss that left my lips as it finally feel free.

"Sorry," he apologised softly, much calmer than before. "It's already swelling," he commented as he took the foot in his hand and carefully manipulated it.

"I don't think you've torn anything, but I'll wrap it to make sure," he nodded to himself, unzipping the bag he'd discarded beside me and pulling what looked like strapping tape out.

"How do you know so much?" I asked as he took my foot in his hands again, very carefully wrapping the fabric around it, before pulling it tight. I could feel it throbbing,but I said nothing, not wanting to complain. It did feel better than it had before, but I knew by the time I made it home it'd need to be iced.

"Honey you learn this stuff when you fight, you have to fiend for yourself," he responded,"There all done," he added as he admired his work.

"Give me your hand," he spoke.

"What?"

"Your hands, they're bleeding."

"Ohh," I held my hands out for him to take. He tipped some water onto them which stung like hell, and wrapped them, before placing a kiss on each of my knuckles, causing me to blush. It was lucky it was dark and dimly lit because I knew that itlf he'd noticed he would have teased the daylights out of me.

"Thank you," I took his hand that he was holding out and let him pull me up, leaning into him instinctively.

"No worries, wouldn't want an invalid walking around town now, it'd ruin the street cred," he winked, causing me to laugh. This was the side of Raul that I was used to, the cheeky, unapologetically flirty, protective Raul.

"Nah really, of course I'd look after you, you're my favourite girl," he kissed my forehead as we made our way to find the others at which point Raul promptly chewed out their ears about the dangers of leaving me alone and their completely mind-blowing stupidity which had them both looking extremely guilty.

It was quickly forgotten though as we went on to celebrate his victory, Raul never leaving my side,checking every so often that I was okay, even going so far as to find pain killers for me which helped a heap.

"Thank you," I told him again as we piled into a taxi- Peter already having gone home and Shawn still partying. Normally Raul was the party animal, but he'd insisted he go home with me to make sure I got there in one piece.

It wasn't like I was going to say no, I appreciated the sweet gesture.

"Don't sweat it. You're my girl," he answered, kissing me again, but this time on the lips momentarily stunning me.

"And you're my boy," I giggled,beaming.

"So how about we make this official?" he suggested, that cheeky grin that I loved so much present again.

"I thought you'd never ask," I responded, reaching up to kiss him again.

[pinkpeonyprincessblog]

Fight For You

"Why do people do this to themselves?" I shouted to Shawn and Peter over the roar of the crowd as Raul's fist made contact with his apponents cheek- a sickening crack ringing out around the cramped room."It's barbaric!"

"It's actually quite ordered," Peter counted,eyes not leaving the action. "There's more that they can't do than they can,"

"I still think it's stupid," I grumbled, before jumping and slapping my hands over my eyes as Raul copped a nasty hit to his chest.

The only reason I'd come to see the fight was to support Raul I'd been friends with the Triplets since we were about 5,having immediately hit it off with them on the first day of preschool.We'd been inseperable since, but I'd always had a soft spot for Raul,we just seemed to get each other- and he was always so protective of me.

In middle school he'd punched Jacob Connor's out (the resident bully) when he'd somehow found out I'd started my period and spread it around the school like wildfire. Raul had been given a 5 day suspension for it, but he'd always maintained that 'it was worth it, the little weasel got what he deserved.'

As we grew we only got closer,we were each other's confidant, the one person who we trusted with all our secrets, or biggest dreams and our deepest fears. That didn't stop us going through the awkward phase where you realise that maybe you like the other person, but are too much of a scaredy-cat to do anything about it.

Everyone could see it, my friends at school, Peter and Shawn, even my parents told me I should do something about it.

"Don't fret, Kara, your boy will be fine," Shawn laughed teasingly looking down at me bring me back to the present. The boys towered over me at 6'2 they were well over a head taller than me.

"How can you say that?He's your brother," I was appalled. They had absolutely no concern for the fact that their brother, their triplet no less was being pummelled like a car at a junk yard.

"Because," Shawn continued. "It might not look like it, but Raul has the upper hand, he's more agile on his feet, can move faster than the baffoon he's facing,"

I couldn't help but laugh at the description. Compared to Raul,the guy he was versing really did look like a monkey.

Despite the fact that ever fibre of my being wanted nothing more than to go up there and rescue him, I couldn't help but watch in awe as Raul served punch after stratigic punch to his apponents, before finally the referee called time and he was declared the winner.

"You know he does it for you," Peter spoke.

"Does what?" I asked confused.

"Fights, he fights for you, to impress you."

"Don't be stupid," I rolled my eyes, but I was stunned, was he really doing it for me? Why did he feel he needed to impress me?

"I'm going to the toilet," I called to Peter as people started slowly filing out the doors, satisfied with the gratuitous violence they'd witnessed, now no-doubt board.I needed some air,space to think.

As I made my way slowly towards the doors, being all but pushed,forced by the sheer numbers of people baring down on me I started to regret not asking one of the boys to accompany me.

This side of town wasn't exactly known as a safe haven and I wasn't even sure where I needed to go.

And Raul's words of warning 'never go anywhere this side of town without one of us,' rang through my head, as I made my way out into the alley behind the delapidated building and into the night air which was full of the smell of stale cigarette smoke.

"Hey there pretty," a group of guys yelled as I walked past, before wolf whistling. I shuddered and picked up my pace, reaching for my bag that was across my body to try and call one of the boys. I no longer felt safe, in fact I was starting to panic, my hands shaking as I dug blindly through my small purse trying to find my cell. In my haste and in attention, I failed to noticed a massive dip in the run down concrete and before I had a chance to correct it,my foot was falling in, my ankle twisting as I fell heavily to the ground. My hands stung as they made harsh contact with the gravel covered floor.

I sat there for a minute dazed, wanting nothing more than to curl up in a ball and cry. Why did this have to happen now? Why not when I was with the guys? I wondered, a few tears leaking from my eyes I scrubbed them away angrily trying to get up, but to no avail. It was useless. I knew I needed help, but I wasn't sure how to get it, there was no way I was going to ask the men down the street for help.

"Kara? Is that you," I looked up with a sigh of relief immediately recognising the voice and he tall figure. It was Raul, making his way out from behind the building,bag slung over his shoulder,still covered in a sheen of sweat, his muscle top sticking to his chest highlighting his toned physique.

"What happend, why aren't you with Shawn and Peter?" he asked jogging down the street and dumping his bag in the ground before bending down in front of me.

"I got lost," I sighed. I tried to move my ankle which was now throbbing,wincing as a sharp, white-hot pain shot through my foot.

"I'll kill those dimwits," he growled as he looked at me.

"Don't blame them, it was me. I went to find a toilet and I didn't ask one of them to come with me," I explained,my voice shaky from pain and fear.

"How could you be so stupid!" he yelled surprising me. He looked livid."How many times have I told you," he hissed shaking his head, reaching for my foot, but I yanked it away despite the instant ache of protest it gave off. If he was going to be a sick, I didn't want his help,I felt bad enough already.

"Why are you being such a fucking asshole?You know what, don't worry, I'll find my own way home," I spat,tears running down my cheeks unchecked as I glared at him. I struggled to get up, using the wall behind me as support, but eventually made it. As soon as I put weight on my foot though I collapsed. The firey ache that started instantly was now worse than ever.

"I'm sorry," he puffed out. "I'm just worried I'd hate for you to get hurt,I love you," he whispered the last part, by I heard it. It took everything in my power to stay calm,it wasn't like I didn't know it, but I'd never expected him to admit it.

"I am hurt," I replied cooly, pointing to my foot.

"More hurt," he amended his eyes going dark,the grim look on his face didn't make it hard to guess what he was thinking and I shuddered.

"I'm going to take the shoe off," he told me, working quicky but carefully to release my foot from the confines of the heel I'd been wearing.

I couldn't help the hiss that left my lips as it finally feel free.

"Sorry," he apologised softly, much calmer than before. "It's already swelling," he commented as he took the foot in his hand and carefully manipulated it.

"I don't think you've torn anything, but I'll wrap it to make sure," he nodded to himself, unzipping the bag he'd discarded beside me and pulling what looked like strapping tape out.

"How do you know so much?" I asked as he took my foot in his hands again, very carefully wrapping the fabric around it, before pulling it tight. I could feel it throbbing,but I said nothing, not wanting to complain. It did feel better than it had before, but I knew by the time I made it home it'd need to be iced.

"Honey you learn this stuff when you fight, you have to fiend for yourself," he responded,"There all done," he added as he admired his work.

"Give me your hand," he spoke.

"What?"

"Your hands, they're bleeding."

"Ohh," I held my hands out for him to take. He tipped some water onto them which stung like hell, and wrapped them, before placing a kiss on each of my knuckles, causing me to blush. It was lucky it was dark and dimly lit because I knew that itlf he'd noticed he would have teased the daylights out of me.

"Thank you," I took his hand that he was holding out and let him pull me up, leaning into him instinctively.

"No worries, wouldn't want an invalid walking around town now, it'd ruin the street cred," he winked, causing me to laugh. This was the side of Raul that I was used to, the cheeky, unapologetically flirty, protective Raul.

"Nah really, of course I'd look after you, you're my favourite girl," he kissed my forehead as we made our way to find the others at which point Raul promptly chewed out their ears about the dangers of leaving me alone and their completely mind-blowing stupidity which had them both looking extremely guilty.

It was quickly forgotten though as we went on to celebrate his victory, Raul never leaving my side,checking every so often that I was okay, even going so far as to find pain killers for me which helped a heap.

"Thank you," I told him again as we piled into a taxi- Peter already having gone home and Shawn still partying. Normally Raul was the party animal, but he'd insisted he go home with me to make sure I got there in one piece.

It wasn't like I was going to say no, I appreciated the sweet gesture.

"Don't sweat it. You're my girl," he answered, kissing me again, but this time on the lips momentarily stunning me.

"And you're my boy," I giggled,beaming.

"So how about we make this official?" he suggested, that cheeky grin that I loved so much present again.

"I thought you'd never ask," I responded, reaching up to kiss in again.

[m1serere-n0bis]

Anyways. I don't care what the rest of you all have been doing during this but I have been trying to listen better and pray more.

For those of you who don't think that's "enough"... Sorry but I don't owe public opinion shit. The only person I owe an explanation to is God. I don't owe anyone information on what I'm doing in private. I don't owe anyone information on what I am/am not supporting financially or otherwise. If your personal opinion is that I'm not making adequate use of my voice or platform then that's rough buddy, but my voice is not the one that needs to be heard right now and also what platform? As a society hyperfocused on social media ESPECIALLY NOW DURING THIS PANDEMIC we have to come to terms that we all have lives outside of it and we don't "owe" each other ANY information about that in spite of what our culture tells us. Like if this is what "community-based policing" means, I can already tell you I hate it and it's oppressive.

For those of you who think this is a political power play, I would say those concerns are valid but there IS a REAL problem that will still be there when all the political pandering and posturing is done. And we need to fix it. Part of the reason I haven't been hyping what everyone has been telling me to hype in the name of activism is pretty much this:

Do I think it honestly matters which political party is in charge for changes to happen? No, because I do not trust the SAME GOVERNMENT BACKING THE POLICE to take the money THAT IS STILL TECHNICALLY IN THEIR POSSESSION and funnel it into the communities that need it in any way that will actually address the racism inherent in the system. HOWEVER, that doesn't stop me from listening to what my brothers and sisters in Christ are telling me are their experiences not just in a society that is supposed to have progressed past racism but in the BODY OF CHRIST itself. Because it's there, everyone. Yes, it's not overt. Yes, not everyone is actively engaging in it but if we are truly One Body then we owe it to each other to make reparations for sins that aren't ours. It's what we've been doing for the child abuse scandals, is it not? The majority of us were not involved but do we not still carry the burden of that sin simply because we're Catholic, because one part of the One Body committed this massive hurt?

So anyway. The goal of this post is not to make anyone feel bad and it is not an invitation for people to pile on me because I haven't vocally supported x, y, z. This is an invitation to listen and to pray... which should always be the first step, EVEN WHEN THERE IS AN IMMEDIATE NEED FOR ACTION. (Maybe ESPECIALLY when there's an immediate need for action.) And holy shit are we not good at that or what? 😂

1) Fr. Mike Schmitz' homily this week was an invitation for us to listen to God and let Him tell us who He is because only by doing that can we see the image and likeness of God in each other. We've lost that in our wishy-washy prayer lives that inevitably end up with us trying to force God into an earthly construction in which He doesn't belong. We try to tell God who He is because the world is too noisy for us to hear Him tell us about Himself. And that inevitably trickles down into us trying to force each other into boxes before recognizing the human dignity instilled by God in all of us. The internet feeds into that by making us faceless virtual entities, thus making it that much more difficult to recognize our humanity. I can read faceless stats for days but if I don't have ANY CONTEXTUAL IDEA where those numbers are coming from, they're empty. They're easily manipulated into whatever whoever is selling me them wants me to think of them if I don't have someone LIVING THOSE STATISTICS giving me context. Right now the media wants us to feed on the controversy surrounding BLM movement without telling us that these communities have been MARCHING IN THEIR COMMUNITIES FOR YEARS AGAINST THE VIOLENCE THEY INFLICT ON THEMSELVES and it is the same media blackout as any March for Life. The media doesn't care unless they have drama they can use to stoke more division and that's the tea.

2) Fr. Josh Johnson is on fire right now, everyone. Like him and Chika Anyanwu are two voices I wasn't listening to before that I'm thankful to be hearing now. If you're wondering how God can be good even in the midst of chaos, turmoil, and pain, this is it. If you're struggling to separate the Black Lives Matter Organization from the heart of the issue, this is how God is doing that. The Church needs to hear these voices. They have real experiences to share. They are part of the Body of Christ, and they are really hurting through these thousands of small cuts.

I would recommend listening to the Jeff Cavins Show episode Distance Amplifies Difference where he has a conversation with Fr. Josh. They both have tremendously unique WORDLY perspectives to bring to the table on the issue (Jeff Cavins is a white man but has children who are black and they live in Minnesota and are literally witnessing the heart of this first hand in the trenches, and Fr. Josh is the son of a black former chief of police) but ultimately discuss how we as a Church can work towards fixing it.

Fr. Josh and Fr. Mike's dialogue on Ascension Presents is also really top notch. I still have to finish watching it, though. 😅

I can't believe I wasn't following Chika before because as another single Catholic woman, I feel like I've found a sister in Christ experiencing the same ups and downs of Catholic singlehood (her Instagram Highlight was like HILARIOUS and also a truth 😂). Her family's small business got looted during the rioting but I believe they've since been able to shut down their Go Fund Me since people gave them enough support to get it back up and running. Anyways, I'm glad this amplification of black voices brought me to hers.

3) Fransican Friars of the Renewal Fr. Agostino and Fr. Pierre Toussaint discuss their hopes for the movement from their perspective as people of color and as servants of one of the poorest neighborhoods in NYC, the South Bronx. Their dynamic is great because Fr. Agostino is like a Gryffindor on fire and Fr. PT is like a soft-spoken, phlegmetic Ravenclaw. I understand that energy. 😂 (I'm also a phlegmetic Ravenclaw) One of my takeaways was Fr. Agostino's opinion that we can't just posture and leave it up to the government or orgs with ulterior political motives to make things right because he's seen firsthand how well THAT goes. However, all that means is that we as people of God have to dig in and do the work our own dang selves. They're also hopeful that this discussion of the police force being built on a foundation of racism will eventually lead to the discussion of Planned Parenthood being built on the same. They said that 42% of the pregnancies of the predominantly black and Latino population in the South Bronx end in abortion. 42%!!!!!!!!!!! If that is not a wake-up call that systemic racism is alive and well and we are abjectly failing women of color as a society Idk what is. But also their analogy that society is a MESS of a dilapidated house and we have to pick ONE place to start and stick with it if we really want to fix it up is also the truth.

4) Did y'all know about Our Lady of Kibohe? This is a Vatican-approved Marian apparition that appeared to three teenaged girls in Rwanda a little more than a decade before the genocide (which she warned them about). There is no one in Creation demons and Satan hate more than Our Lady, and there's no better weapon against them than the rosary. There has been a call from our brothers and sisters to rend our hearts and even if you don't see, think, or believe there is still racism within the Church, will you not pray for Mary and St. Michael to help continue keeping it that way, then?

Our Lady of Kibohe encouraged us to take up the practice of praying the Seven Sorrows Rosary. I tried it for the first time last week and I have to say, even with my super basic limited knowledge of black history in the United States, it was not hard to see how their suffering could easily be united to the sufferings of Christ and Our Lady.

I guess my conclusion is this: I have my own misgivings about blindly supporting any ol' cause that happens to be trending on whatever. The Black Lives Matter ORGANIZATION has a manifesto touting things that are contrary to the Catechism for SURE, but when my brothers and sisters in the Church are telling me they are in pain RIGHT NOW and saying, "Hey, listen... They're right about some things... These are the things and we've experienced it IN the Church..." then they deserve to be heard. We owe it to them to listen because they are a part of us. We need to expose these sins to the light instead of denying they exist or claiming to be past it. We ALSO need to be charitable to those in different parts of their journey. Is it FAIR to bear the burden of others' sins and make reparations for them? Heck no! But we do it. Jesus did it for us. We do it for our brothers and sisters in Purgatory. What's the difference for bearing it for our hard-hearted brothers and sisters on earth? Nobody is perfect but we all are made in the image and likeness of God and thus inherently carry human dignity.