#which honestly is making me reconsider things and i'm thinking that. what if i just went home instead

[butterflies-and-bumble-bees]

.

[finexbright]

.

[wispeth]

(doppelganger Merlin au. Arthur is looking at two Merlin's, who both have all of Merlin's memories, except the imposter doesn't have magic. which is perfect, because the real Merlin lied so flawlessly to Arthur that imposter Merlin would have a real chance to take over Merlin's life. oh and, uh, Merlin was drugged w a truth serum. so he can't lie about the magic if it comes up. The imposter is able to pretend to be Merlin better than Merlin can bc ofc the magic comes up.)

Arthur: What's the first thing you ever said to me?

Imposter Merlin, confidently: Hey, that's enough. You've had your fun my friend.

Real Merlin, dazed, looking over at the imposter in horror as he realizes that the imposter has all of his memories, and that the imposter is actually capable of lying rn unlike himself, which means Real Merlin can't even keep up his own facade, but the imposter can: (says exactly the same thing in perfect unison with the imposter, but looks a lot more lost and shaken about it)

Arthur, narrowing his eyes at them both: What is your favorite tunic to dress me in?

Imposter Merlin: The red one. (It was a fair enough assumption. It was the one that Merlin picked out for Arthur to wear more than any of the others.)

Real Merlin, unable to believe he's about to admit this, but he has truth potion in his system: Your nightshirt, when you decide to wear it... It is--you look the happiest, in that one. (gay sweatdrop)

Arthur, kind of floored by the vulnerability: (was honestly expecting Merlin to say the red one, but now he wasn't so sure because that also sounded like something girlish that Melrin might say) Alright... How many times have you saved my life?

Imposter Merlin, gleeful on the inside because he finally has a chance to play Merlin's part while Merlin can't even maintain his own web of lies because of the truth potion: (to this imposter's credit, he is very good at pretending to be merlin. he starts mumbling to himself and counting on his fingers, just as Arthur thought Merlin might have done.) Let's see, there was the dagger, the poison, the... (proceededs to ramble off most every single one that Arthur himself is aware of) ... so that's about, a dozen? I'd say?

also Imposter Merlin: (places his hands on his hips in Merlin's sassy way) I'm starting to think you owe me a day off.

Real Merlin, voice shaky, because they are getting nearer and nearer to the topic of magic: Twice a fortnite for as long as I've lived in Camelot... That's got to be in the hundreds by now.

Arthur, suddenly remembering all the creatures of the week that suddenly disappeared before they became a problem. He knew of about one every month or two, but he started reconsidering if his guardian angel had been taking care of threats that he perhaps DIDN'T know about: Erm... (still can't tell who the real Merlin is, because one of them is giving all the answers he's looking for and is acting exactly like he would expect Merlin to, but the other Merlin is being so damn earnest right now, as Merlin was wont to do in times of crisis) What is--what's an honest truth that you've told me that I have mistaken for a lie?

Imposter Merlin, knowing that he's being quizzed on the memories of their shared history, without missing a beat: Valiant's shield. It was enchanted with those snakes. You got into a world of trouble for confronting him about it in front of the entire court. (aka exactly the answer that Arthur was expecting from the real Merlin)

Real Merlin, with a knot in his throat and tears in his eyes because he knows he's doomed: (the first instance that came to mind was that time he saved Gwen's father from sickness using magic and Gwen got thrown in the dungeons for being an alleged sorceress--and of course that was his first thought, he is very very paranoid about the magic so it's all he's thinking about--he has to say the first one for the sake thought for the sake of honesty, even though it's damning) Gwen's not the s-sorcerer... I am. (is also making exactly the same face that he was making the day that he told Arthur about Valiant's shield, the face where he is pleading for Arthur to believe him. The imposter only has access to Merlin's memories through Merlin's eyes, so the imposter wasn't able to see what Merlin's face did that day, so he wouldn't have known)

Arthur, now even more unsure, just gapes for a moment because how fucking stupid does someone have to be to confess to sorcery in Camelot? Twice?! And it was worse yet that he still couldn't tell for sure which Merlin was the real Merlin because he'd never had to combine the image of Merlin with magic before and gods damn it all he needed a moment to process: (decided to start asking Merlin questions about himself instead of quizzing him on information that Arthur already knows) Who was your first love? (fully expecting to hear Gwen's name, although, Merlin was quite flamboyant....)

Imposter Merlin: It was Will... (blushes a little, looking flustered and matter of factly at the same time, in that awkward way that mimics merlin perfectly) You met him, in Ealdor.

Real Merlin, sneering at the imposter in the way that he did Cedric when he was bitter about replaced by a possessed man in the Cornelius Sigan incident (a/n: even though the episode I mention in this line is a totally different one. I think I mix referenced a lot of episodes in this ramble actually): H-her name was Freya. You killed her.

Arthur, alarmed: Killed her? Wh--Merlin--not Merlin--Merlin? (stammers on how to address this Merlin, tosses his hands up after 0.5 seconds) I do not recall killing any village girls in Ealdor..!

Real Merlin, shaking his head: She was the bastet. It wasn't her fault, she was cursed by a sorceress to become a bastet at night. It wasn't your fault either, you did what you had to; I don't blame you for what happened.

Arthur, suddenly remembering that night, remembering how Merlin was reaching for the dangerous feline beast as if it were only a kitten, as if Merlin was going to pet it, or shield it from Arthur, or any other number of things that also seem so very Merlin. Arthur hadn't even considered it before, but now? Looking back? Merlin certainly had been remarkably upset in the passing days after that: (more confused than ever) Wh... Where did -- where were you, yesterday? (Gaius already told Arthur that Merlin was at the tavern)

Imposter Merlin: At the Rising Sun. Gwaine took me out for a round of drinks. Something about a lucky charm?

Arthur, nodding along: (it was true that Arthur has heard Lancelot and a few other knights call Merlin a lucky charm) Hm... (turns to look at the other Merlin)

Real Merlin, with a wobbling lip: (laughs weakly, rolling his teary eyes a bit) I told him to stop using that excuse... (refocuses) I was crawling out of the mirror, if you must know. I TOLD you I had a funny feeling about it. (motions to the imposter) (he has tears in his eyes and a smile on his face, and his voice sounds exactly the same as it did that one time when he said to Arthur 'you're certainly not' after Arthur told him that no man was worth his tears)

Arthur, now watching Real Merlin more closely than Imposter Merlin, searching: Who was your favorite guest to mock at the feasts and whatnot?

Imposter Merlin: (kind of stumped bc he wasn't expecting a question like this)

Real Merlin, who is actually able to answer first after some thought: ..... (snorts) Does-- (snorts again) Would the Lady Catrina count as a guest, d'you think? Or should I--no--I'll say it was the Lady Vivian. You get this, LOOK on your face every time she sits near you at the banquet table when she comes 'round.

Arthur, jaw dropped in mock offense: Because she is rather touchy! We've been over this..! (doesn't even realized that he just responded to Real Merlin as if he were for sure the real Merlin, and momentarily forgot that there were two convincing Merlins present)

Imposter Merlin: Are you mad? Arthur, the fake me said it himself that he crawled out of the mirror and practices sorcerery..! (looks so earnest, so genuine, but it's just... not quite how Merlin would say it)

Arthur: (narrows his eyes at the imposter with slight suspicion)

Imposter Merlin: (gives Arthur a flat look, exactly like the real Merlin would do when Arthur says something stupid) Arthur, I am not a sorcerer. You would know. (a/n: last episode style)

Arthur, who had never once suspected magic, but did always know that Merlin had been keeping a secret from him (he'd always assumed it was the alcoholism, but now....): You'd think so, wouldn't you.... (glances at the real Merlin, looking a little hurt)

Real Merlin, not denying the magic at all: I was born with it. I use it for you, Arthur.

Imposter Merlin: You can't honestly--

Arthur, looking deep into Real Merlin's eyes: Swear to me, right now, that you are telling me the truth. Prove it to me.

Real Merlin: (grabs the hidden dagger out of the imposters hands, who had apparently been gearing up to attack Arthur, which is confusing enough all on its own because it made it difficult to tell which one of them was truly intent on attacking Arthur with it, and then charges Arthur)

Arthur, who normally has keen warrior reflexes but not when his enemies wear Merlin's face: (freezes up, and then watches in shock as the dagger clashes against the thin air about an inch in front of Arthur's chest, cast aside by some glowing shield that fades after a second)

Real Merlin: Why do you think it takes me three hours to polish your armor? Do you have any idea how long it takes to enchant the space between every link of chainmail? (drops the dagger at Arthur's feet so he knows it was just a demonstration and not a genuine attack, similar to the way that Arthur always aims just to the left of Merlin when he's throwing blunt objects such as goblets because he never wishes any actual harm on Merlin)

Arthur, blinking dazedly: (can't help but think of that one time that Merlin spontaneously became talented at juggling. it's such a strange thing to remember, and completely unrelated to the current happenings, but Merlin's smile was small and smug just like it had been that day, and it just--clicked)

also Arthur, looking slightly more sure of himself now: (needs one final test to make absolutely certain, but he thinks he knows just what to ask) What would you have me do, if I cannot tell you apart?

Real Merlin, without missing a beat: Arrest us both. (shrugs casually) I am a sorcerer after all. Better safe than sorry.

(And that's just it, isn't it. It was just like Merlin, to sacrifice himself like that. It was just so, unmistakenly Merlin.)

Arthur, smirking in mock offense: Better safe than--excuse you, I could take you apart with one blow!

Merlin *cough*hearteyes*cough* "Emrys" Hunithson™, the one and only: I could take you apart with less than that

(In the end, Merlin walks himself to the dungeons as the imposter is arrested, just to give Arthur peace of mind so there's no pressure to second guess his decision since even if Arthur chose wrong, there is no assassin Merlin imposter on the loose. Merlin and the imposter both spend 3 days in their respective cells before the imposter finally does some decidedly out of character shit and Arthur can have him executed with full confidence that it's not Merlin... since the guy really was very good at mimicking Merlin. Arthur didn't even realize that he'd needed it at the time, but looking back, he probably would have had a panic attack as the imposter was marched to be hanged. He probably would have doubted himself at the last second and wondered if he really did believe the right Merlin those few days ago. But thankfully, Merlin thinks ahead sometimes and is actually quite thoughtful and wise on these such rare occasions.)

[plutoswritingplanet]

Mortal Kombat 1 Intro Dialogues

a/n: some slightly flirty dialogues for suggested characters from Mortal Kombat 1 (and 11), reader is a blood mage, adjacent to "Unpunishable"

Warnings: Suggestive Language, Obscure References, Poor Attempts at Comedy

Shang Tsung

Shang Tsung: Liu Kang is squandering your potential.

Reader: I trust his judgement completely.

Shang Tsung: You were made for so much more.

...

Reader: You want me to make a deal with the Devil.

Shang Tsung: All I ask in return, is your soul.

Reader: It's too high a price!

...

Shang Tsung: I lay before you my eternal heart...

Reader: There is no love with you, only ownership.

Shang Tsung: I dearly love all of my possessions.

...

Reader: I must believe there's good even in the darkest corners of the world

Shang Tsung: Finding it in me might turn out to be a futile fight

Reader: I don't give up easily, Shang Tsung

...

Shang Tsung: Have you ever thought to say "stop"? "If you love me, you would stop?"

Reader: Not in a thousand years.

Shang Tsung: I see now, why we're destined for each other

...

Reader: The things you've been doing in your laboratories are vile

Shang Tsung: I've used the same magic, as the one coursing through your veins

Reader: Liar!

Liu Kang

Liu Kang: Empress Sindel has approved your application to study Outworld's medicine.

Reader: I'm honored by her trust.

Liu Kang: You'll do a splendid job as Earthrealm's ambassador.

...

Reader: I fear the pull of darkness overpowering me.

Liu Kang: I will guide you, until your mind is at peace.

Reader: What if it never ends?

...

Liu Kang: In the previous timeline, you were my close friend and adversary.

Reader: And in this timeline?

Liu Kang: I'm inclined to say the same.

...

Reader: Doesn't it get lonely, being a God?

Liu Kang: I'm devoted to protecting Earthrealm and its people.

Reader: You didn't answer my question.

...

Liu Kang: Beware Shang Tsung's honeyed words.

Reader: You've said we were destined for each other in all timelines.

Liu Kang: And your union always leads to your suffering.

...

Reader: You knew I'd reject Shang Tsung's offer? Fight him every step of the way?

Liu Kang: I had faith, you would make the right choice

Reader: Honestly, do you have music playing in your head when you say garbage like that

Johnny Cage

Johnny: Let me just say, there's no other place I would rather be, than right here with you right now.

Reader: I can change that very easily.

Johnny: Why so serious, sweet cheeks?

...

Reader: No, Johnny, I won't be playing in any of your movies, ever.

Johnny: Can I ask why?

Reader: Why I don't want the job that makes your brain explode?

...

Johnny: You might wanna reconsider your rendezvous with the Sorcerer.

Reader: Which one?

Johnny: Oh, you are a bad woman.

...

Reader: Don't be such a baby, it's just a scrap.

Johnny: And I need a hot nurse to patch it up.

Reader: Why do I even… You're impossible.

...

Johnny: You have experience with emotionally fragile men, right?

Reader: You're self-aware today.

Johnny: I was talking about Kung Lao...

...

Reader: Okay, Ninja Priest was actually kinda good.

Johnny: YES! I knew you had a thing for the clergy.

Reader: That's not what I... You're such an ass!

Kung Lao

Reader: Do you think Liu Kang has destined us to become friends?

Kung Lao: Obviously, I'd never choose this for myself.

Reader: He could've made you less of twat...

...

Kung Lao: It's way too dangerous for you to travel Outworld alone.

Reader: I don't need a babysitter, Kung Lao.

Kung Lao: Prove it, then.

...

Reader: If you buy me dinner at Madame Bo's, I'll heal your arm.

Kung Lao: I see your time with Shang Tsung is rubbing off on you.

Reader: See, now I gotta hurt ya.

...

Kung Lao: How does it feel, being in the center of the Snake's attention.

Reader: Fuck you man, I didn't ask for this.

Kung Lao: Not good then.

...

Reader: Come on, I paid for dinner last time.

Kung Lao: I'll be happy to pay... Once you beat me.

Reader: You can be an ass sometimes, you know that?

...

Kung Lao: You know I only meant it as a joke, right?

Reader: Let me show you just how funny I think you are

Kung Lao: Bring it on, Nurse.

Bi-Han

Reader: You betrayed everything your clan stood for.

Bi-Han: You have no moral high-ground here, Healer.

Reader: I don't need it.

...

Bi-Han: Join the Lin Kuei, and unleash your true power.

Reader: Not while they're under your command, traitor.

Bi-Han: Your pride will be your downfall.

...

Reader: I can feel your blood run cold through your body...

Bi-Han: It will boil while I destroy you.

Reader: You'll freeze to death, then.

...

Bi-Han: Your aversion to power is your greatest flaw.

Reader: Should I follow your lead, then, and betray all I love for a promise of greatness?

Bi-Han: Is it wrong to want more?

...

Reader: Maybe I can beat some sense into you…

Bi-Han: I will crush you, little girl.

Reader: Great, a quip about my height, so original.

...

Bi-Han: We meet again, Blood Mage.

Reader: I knew you couldn't stay away, Bi-Han.

Bi-Han: Let's see if your training has progressed.

Erron Black

(am i the only one devastated he wasn't included in mk1?)

Erron: What's a pretty lookin' thing like you doin' in a place like this?

Reader: Holy shit, you even talk like a cowboy!

Erron: …Nevermind.

...

Reader: If I win, I get to wear the hat.

Erron: You'd look mighty fine in it, I'd wager.

Reader: Don't you pull your punches on me now, Black.

...

Erron: There's quite the price on your head, sweetheart.

Reader: And you'll do everything to collect it, right?

Erron: I could be persuaded against it, with the right motivation...

...

Reader: Do you flirt with all your targets?

Erron: Only pretty little ones, like you, girlie.

Reader: Well then, let's dance, Cowboy.

...

Erron: I wouldn't mind giving you a ride around town, little lady.

Reader: I'd rather beat you where you stand.

Erron: Be still, my beating heart.

...

Reader: I know who sent you.

Erron: Someone who's eager to get their hands back on you.

Reader: You can both keep them to yourself.

[diacripticcomplex]

~Shu x Yui One Shot~

"That looks horrible on you." I bluntly say to her, I'm lying of course, she was the most beautiful girl in the entire world, and demon world but I will never confess that to her. She looks at me and frowns, I enjoyed that frown. "What's wrong with it?" She questioned, which caused me to smirk at her slightly, I let out a chuckle before saying "Nothing, I just prefer you with little to no clothing at all." This causes her to blush, her eyes widen and her vision revert to the floor. My hand shoots up to grab her delicate face, I could crush it so easily, I lift her head up and look right at her with my cold eyes, this beautiful girl..she's all mine, I wouldn't give her to nobody, I'd do unspeakable things for her. She pulls her face away and pushes me back. "No Shu..We can't, I can't keep making this mistake over and over again..you left me when I needed you most..you hurt me in so many ways.." she goes on saying, and the memories of that night came flooding back to me.

We were arguing again over this plan to leave the mansion and be together in the demon world, I told her I would not be able to protect her from all the creatures, assassins and my brothers wraiths..I didn't want to deal with that responsibility or even that loss..so I decided that night to let her go..well I tried to, truly did but it was impossible for me, every part of me yearned for her, and wanted to be next to her, I avoided her as long as I could. But for some reason I still thought of her, what she was doing…who she was with..her scent was always fresh in my nostrils as well, no matter how long I went without seeing her…her scent lingered. “You’re breaking up with me??” She looked at me with so much sorrow in her eyes. I remember how she wept and begged for me to reconsider, her begging honestly annoyed me, I just wanted to get this over with..thinking back I was rather harsh, she genuinely loved and cared for me but I threw it all away because I wasn’t ready to take responsibility for her..I wasn’t ready to be the man for her.

“Shu I don’t want to be with you…I can’t” she says snapping me out of my head. Honestly upsetting me greatly but I guess that’s deserved. “Yes you can..and you will” I whisper to her before lightly kissing her neck, “you’re still mine” I say as I greedily suckle on her skin, my fangs grazing her flesh then piercing it. I missed this delicious blood. She cries out at first then moans into it, panting out for me to stop hurting her, I cover her mouth with one hand and use my other hand to grope her butt, going lower I begin stroking her sensitive spot, she was whimpering at this point, begging for me to leave her alone, I didn’t want to…

She’s so wet for me…I know she wants this too. Fingering her wasn’t enough I wanted our bodies and souls to be connected once more. I rammed my way inside of her, thrusting deeply and passionately, I was really putting in my energy into her, I looked at her face as I was fucking her she was crying so much…I take it out of her then embrace her tightly. “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry I’m an idiot..I should’ve loved you correctly and been there for you when you needed me most..I know I’m a coward and you don’t deserve a coward..let me become the man you want..” I propose to her, but she looks at me with such numb eyes and says one thing and one thing only, no…

[luckyarchivist]

Ais and Honesty

Another loresheet snippet i'm (minorly) expanding on and (majorly) looking to see what people think about it! It was just a small thing I noticed, having to collect all of these lines and shit, and that's that a lot of Ais's lines have to do with honesty.

Not just this line, of course. In the Red Spring post about the Amaryllis District, he says, "This district is the worst and only place to be honest in Eridia." And then he says this about Vere:

Not only that, but when Ais tells the MC to reconsider the Seaspring, and that he himself doesn't think drinking is worth it unless their curse is killing them, MC says, "You could've sold me if you were less honest. You're a shit salesman."

Honestly (ehehe) even when playing the demo the first time, I was struck by how open Ais is about things—his frankness actually moved my interest in him above Leander, my previous #1 . Honesty is a core value for me IRL, so something tickled me about the violent mindfreak demon bluntly telling you he ditched you because he was lonely. He might kill me, but at least he won't lie to me~ Dream man for sure.

IDK what all this talking is culminating in, I just thought it was really interesting. It's cool to see a positive, “good” trait like honesty be shown in the recurring behavior of a morally dubious character, cos I think it adds texture (which the love interests HAVE to have for dating them to be interesting all the way through). It makes me wonder if his route will focus on how honest you and Ais can be with each other about the things that matter—or, perhaps, the consequences of that honesty.

And, now that I'm getting ready to post this: I wonder if each of the other characters' (including the DLC characters') has a recurring trait that can be so succinctly summarized, one that offers them texture simply by contrasting their baseline image? And if so, what are they, or what will they be? Interested to hear y'all's thoughts if you have any!

[brandwhorestarscream]

Angst someone?

Tfa Optimus, maybe?

Or someone from tfe? It's been a while since we do anything with tfe

I have the perfect TFA Optimus angst

Conaider: TFA Megatron having lost a child to the cruelty of the system (this is important to the story trust me). It's one of his greatest motivators: he knows his sparkling is alive as the bond never broke, simply went dormant. He has little hope of ever reuniting with his bitty, but he'll be damned if he won't tear any world to shreds that would allow such practices.

Picking up at the end of season 3 (sans Prowl death because tbh I'm still mad about that), Megatron and the other decepticons have been dragged off to Cybertron. Sentinel has been removed from his temporary seat of power, and with Ultra Magnus still in recovery, as the one who apprehended Megatron, Optimus is left temporarily in charge. Or, at the very least, he's been given some decision making power, but it mostly amounts to paperwork and public appearances as the newest autobot hero

The council decides pretty swiftly that Megatron shall be put to death. Execution is the safest option, and they offer Optimus the honor of snuffing his spark.

And Optimus.......... he's honestly sick at the thought. He's a good autobot, of course, make no mistake! He definitely thinks all decepticons should be in prison forever, but the death penalty? It's too much, he can't stomach the thought. He's never taken anyone's life before, has never even really hurt anyone before, he could never bring himself to raise a weapon against someone that cannot fight back. He firmly declines, says there's no way in hell he'll do it, and begs the council to reconsider. Murder isn't the answer! Killing him won't solve anything!

Unfortunately, he's unable to sway their decision, and desperately tries to search for something, anything, a loophole or some obscure old law to delay the execution. He's hoping that, if he can just push it back til Ultra Magnus is back on his feet, he'll surely cancel the whole affair. His word is law, after all, and- and Ultra Magnus is a just and fair old mech. He'd never approve of this!

He finds a temporary solution while pouring over the autobot laws surrounding practices and procedures of such things. The mech to be executed can choose to be awake or sedated, is entitled to a final cube of warm energon, and is permitted to make a reasonable final request. That last bit catches this attention: reasonable requests are defined in the books as something not monetarily excessive, in no way harmful, and lasting no more than one megacycle. It's... not much, but he's determined to make it work.

He brings the law to Megatron, and implores him to think of something, anything, that would take the autobots awhile to procure but wouldn't be expensive or harmful. He's old, right? Maybe he can ask for some obscure old musical record from before the war, or-

Megatron cuts him off with an unreadable expression, saying he already knows what he'll request.

Come the day of the execution and it's Optimus that brings up the law concerning final requests, and they must uphold every written rule, no exceptions. And what could Megatron ask for but to see his sparkling one last time?

"The only thing I'll request is a brief reunion with my son."

Which in turn sets off a wild goose chase trying to find any record of a singular stolen sparkling from 4 million years ago. It's an airtight request, as all the information pertaining to the sparkling should be in public records or private elite guard files, either way they can't be charged to view them. And if there's an argument for the cost of labor, Optimus volunteers to do it for free 🤭 so long as he does the search without pay and the scheduled meeting between Megatron and his "sun", whatever that is, lasts less than a megacycle, the execution can be delayed indefinitely. Optimus just has to work slowly and hope that Magnus recovers soon!

And then, y'know, Optimus discovering what sparklings are, where they come from, uncovering the hideous truths about how bad Cybertron was way back in the day, and eventually 👀 unraveling the mysterious identity of the lost mech he's looking for. Things start piling up, he finds more and more suspicious bread crumbs, criminal records, police reports, etc, and eventually through like 10 active cross references and several weeks of intensive research, he finds his answer. A file that's millions and millions of years old, detailing a civilian sparkling's removal from his carrier because warframes were universally deemed unfit to parent other frametypes. The sparkling in the photo looks terrified, tiny hands clinging to the bars of the small cage he's being transported in, looking at the camera with wild optics and a terrified, tear streaked face. The poor little thing is painfully small, still nubby and round everywhere he looks. His optics are a bit too big, and his finials are a different shape, but it's unmistakable... Optimus squints at the picture for several seconds with a sense of dawning horror, and he realizes it all at once: he's staring at his own face >:)

[why-the-heck-not]

Hi! Do you have any tips to stopping mindlessly scrolling on social media (or phones in general)? 😅

honestly I'm not the best at this still. Like my screen time's still like 2-4h, but these are the things I've done that got it down from actually life threatening amounts

this is the main thing and also the most boring obvious one: delete all the apps that make u go to that "scrolling mindlessly"-mode. For me, was the basics like instagram, tiktok etc. My achilles' heel with this is this godforsaken app (tumblr), bc I keep redownloading it damnit

the approach is that if I'm gonna be consuming content, I'm gonna be mindful abt it, and not just hate-watch 3 negative video essays from Youtube in a row (my fave bc I'm a hater at heart). Instead, I'll watch a show I like, which actually works better at being a legit break-/chill-time, and doesn't fill me up with ''we're all fucked''-void. Actually sitting down to have the chill 20-40mins feels like a longer time than ad filled 20min x 3.

lots is bc of just getting so damn annoyed over ads that I close youtube the moment there is like 2 unskippable ads bc fuck u. Honestly I've gotten to the point I could just delete youtube as well just out of spite abt the fucking ads (hater at heart). So idk, start to develop a personal vendetta against ads, I guess

figuring out something to fill up the time bc realistically u won't just be studying/working more. My fave is walks (tho yeah that doesn't work if u have like a 5min time window; still don't know what to do with those hence redownloading Tumblr on for the third time in a day), and just sitting & thinking abt whatever the fuck is stuck there in my mind (braindead to say that "recently I've gotten into thinking" but like. yeah. (daydreaming is like a serious dear hobby to me))

podcasts are nice. Sure still is like somewhat social media thing-ish, but at least u can do something whilst listening to it. Like multitasking with a podcast & something stupid vs. my old habit of "gonna scroll a bit before starting to do this boring thing I don't wanna do". Doing the dishes and listening to a podcast is super chill

when there's the "gonna pick up my phone when I literally have no reason to & am just looking for any distraction": stop and reconsider like why are u doing that (with me, it's either I'm anxious, stressed or bored and there are better ways to deal with those. This is where the fan favorite of "sitting & thinking" comes in a lot of the times, which sometimes isn't much better and is sometimes detrimental to my wellbeing bc thought spiral, but hey nothing's perfect)

[edensgaia]

Kaboodle [talking about Zam]: "We're not similar because we both have bloodlust, we/re similar because we both get– we both get picked on by the strongest people on the server, and fuck I wasn't any better. I'm not any better. If I'm picking on Zam too man, it's the same shit Mane did to me. What's the point, right?"

Kaboodle: "I'm a lot more similar to Zam than I thought I was, but not, you know... not because of who he once was."

Kaboodle: "[Reading chat] 'It comes full circle' Yep, I guess so! I guess so. [Laughs at the messages in the game chat] But, listen, I need to re-evaluate my goals a bit cuz yeah, it's fun, it's fun blowing stuff up, I agree, it's fun putting people in bad situations where they have to make tough choices and I enjoy all of that, but... doing that to Zam... It's not– It's not the morality of the situation that I wanna, you know, reconsider, cuz there's definitely some people that fucking deserve it, and... maybe some people that don't that I would still do it to anyway because it's fun, but... Zam's a weird case, cuz... he's... he's like me. He's like me. I don't know he... he's being harassed for weaknesses by Mane and– and Wemmbu and Flame. Which is the same shit Mane did to me. I don't think I quite realized that until he said it yesterday about why he does this stuff and why he's like this.

"[...] Yeah, it's uh, it's a weird situation chat, cuz it's like, I really enjoy fucking with Zam, I really do, but– it's not right. And beyond being not right, that I'm not willing to do, because it's literally just the same shit that I've been fighting against, and now I'm just– it's just generational bullying, that's what it is, it's just– Mane bullied me, I'm taking it out on Zam, and... the cycle never's gonna end if I keep doing that. Out of everyone, Zam is the last person to deserve that at all, honestly. And I need to solve that, I need to stop it, because right now, he's– you could see his fucking tab list [talking about Zam's skin, wich has one eye that is patched and the other one visibly bloodied], he's having a bad time. I mean he– he's never gonna trust me ever again, but... I guess the best I can do is leave him alone and– get myself in check, because I have other people to deal with.

"I have other people to deal with, I have a ManePear still to deal with, and that should be my priority. I'm not gonna have fun killing Mane but... there isn't a point going after Zam, it's just... he's just like me, and there's no point pilling things on top of each other, I don't know. I still believe that he's got the fucking evil inside of him, I still believe that, and I want to exploit that from him, but... not now. Cuz I wanna do it in a way that's fun, that's enjoyable and... kicking him while he's down makes him more miserable, and it's– it's not fun for me at all, right, what's the point in tearing someone down if you– oh my goodness, wow [looking at the damage done at spawn] Hmm, I did not realize how severe this was, holy shit. Wow. Wow. He's gonna have a rough time with this uh... but that's– that's not my jurisdiction anymore. I– I don't– I don't wanna talk to Zam [laughs] Honestly in any of the lights, I don't wanna speak to Zam, because... I don't know– it's... it's weird– it's– it's a weird thing, because it's like, I don't– I don't... I don't wanna trust people again, uh, like I trusted y'know, the Mice, and Red, but... [laughs] fuck, I don't wanna be alone again. And yeah I have my team, but is my team really a fucking team, are they really a team, let's be so for real.

"[Looking sadly at Zam's destroyed house at spawn] Oh Zam. I don't know. I– I empathize with Zam, I care about Zam more than I probably should, in all honesty. [Looking at spawn] Fuck, this is rough though. But he doesn't want my help and... I gotta respect that. And I don't wanna talk to him either because... he is scary. [Laughs] In all honesty, hes scary, cuz he makes me let my guard down, and I don't like that, so..."

[wheretheharekissesthefox]

I hate Halsin's ending and here's why:

The thing I hate most, honestly, is the lack of continuity.

Halsin feels guilty for not being able to lift the Shadow Curse sooner and on his own:

"Thaniel is trapped in the Shadowfell, but thanks to you efforts, I know where to look. Now, I must go there - alone. [...] This opportunity has been a hundred years in the making. It has to be me, and only me."

"[...] I wasted too much time already - years in which nature has suffered."

"[...] Nature suffered while I dawdled, and allowed myself to be distracted."

Him about being Archdruid and the responsibilities as such:

"I wanted to try and find him [Thaniel], but we couldn't stay - we would have all succumbed. When the Archdruid of the Grove, my predeccessor, was seized by the curse, I had to lead the survivors to safety. That was my first day as Archdruid. An inauspicious beginning."

"I reveived a dispatch from the Grove [...] My chosen successor, Francesca, has proven to be a wise choice. Perhaps the wisest I ever made as Archdruid."

"I was all too eager to surrender my responsibilities towards the grove. Perhaps I was never meant to be Archdruid, to be a leader. [...] I cannot help but wonder if there was more I could have done. Perhaps I may yet have the chance some day."

"[...] I live for the wilderness. Comfort is for the farm animal, snug in its pen."

His plans on returning to the former Shadow-Cursed-Lands:

"Still, I would like to return here some day. See Thaniel and Oliver again - in my meditations, or perhaps in person, if the Oak Father wills it. I hope he does. [...] Anyway, once the curse is lifted, nature can take its course without me. I belong at your side."

His future plans:

"[...] The Shadow Curse occupied me so entirely and for so long... I almost miss the purpose it gave me. Now, I must find a new one."

"My mind still drifts to that dream I shared with you, for a better future for all those who need it... but that must wait. I remain yours of course."

Things he says to you regarding you relationship:

"I haven taken many lovers. My heart does not stir lightly. But it does now."

"You are all I want, but I won't hoard you to myself. Let others know the happiness of being with you."

"[...] The Grove became my family, with Silvanus as my teacher. And now, I have you."

"We shall triumph. Our time together does not end here."

"[...] So long as I am surviving, and I have you by my side, I am faring as well as anyone can be."

When breaking up with him:

"[...] If that's truly what you desire, I shall respect it. No matter how much I wish it was not the case. I will remain by your side whenever you wish, of course. As ally, advisor, friend... in any way you desire, safe for as a lover."

When you change your mind about breaking up:

"I'm glad you have reconsidered, but please don't trivially bring up such difficult topics. My heart can be wounded like any other "

"[...] I told you your heart is yours, but I do not wish for mine to be toyed with."

... and break up with him again (lol):

"Does it please you to see me crestfallen? That is the only reason I can think why you might toy with my heart like this."

"I warned you not to broach such matters lightly. Perhaps you care less for me than I supposed..."

Nicknames for Tav (at least the ones I heard):

"my love" and "my heart"

When being in a relationship with him and asking for having more partners:

"[...] Don't punish yourself on my account - remember we are both free to roam and love as we see fit."

"I'm glad you didn't feel the need to deprive yourself. To deny the most essential of impulses is to cut yourself off of nature."

"[...] I asked for freedom to follow my heart, and of course, I offer it in return."

"[...] I'm glad you shown yourself to be comfortable in exploring without me."

When in a relationship with him, having sex with Mizora and telling him you didn't enjoy it:

"[...] I'm sorry to hear that [...] I just hope it doesn't dissuade you from exploring nature's bounty. If you ever want to talk, my ears are all yours. Any part of me is yours, should you wish."

In conclusion:

Halsin feels guilty for not being able to lift the Shadow Curse sooner and on his own, wasting 100 years by doing so.

He feels like he failed as Archdruid and that he's not made for being a leader.

He doesn't want to settle down but roam.

The Shadow Curse was the only thing on his mind and his only purpose for 100 years.

He doesn't know what to do, now that the curse is lifted, and is looking for a new purpose.

He voices his wish to eventually see Thaniel again.

He's poly, had a lot of flings, and doesn't fall in love easily, but he fell hard for you.

He talks about sharing the future with you.

Halsin's ending:

"They [refugees & orphans] need help - help what this city cannot provide right now. I shall aid them to make a new place for themselves, in Thaniel's realm, under nature's watch. [...] There were nine whole wagons of children in tow. They are my duty now. 'Daddy Halsin', they call me. Who am I to tell them otherwise? We are each free, as we always were... but that does not to be the end. You must visit me soon [...] I shall have my own selfish reasons for wanting to see you again, if you wish the same."

How the game ends:

Halsin brings the refugees and orphans to Thaniel's lands, inevitably becoming a leader again and settling down.

He tells you to visit him, but doesn't ask you to join him, meaning he doesn't actually want to share that "dream I shared with you, for a better future for all those who need it", treating you like a normal fling instead of the love he claims you are.

It's a weird, unsatisfying ending, and honestly, most possible endings are. Baldur's Gate 3 is such an amazing game, but most endings feel incredibly rushed or unsatisfying (I'm especially glaring at the Karlach & Astarion endings, but that's for another rant). My dislike for the Halsin ending isn't that he doesn't magically turn monogamous, but that he tells you over and over again how much you mean to him ("You are all I want", "Anything for you, my heart") and then he just fucking leaves on his own without even asking if you want to join him. He's just like "I found a new purpose, bye, see ya, visit if you want to fuck."

It feels like the writers just gave up in the end - or didn't have enough time left to do it right (I get that, I work as a translator & editor). It just feels weird.

[navsink]

to be gentle is a choice. | sukuna x sorcerer reader !

A/N: so brainfart moment!! im sure someone else will make this way better than i can but just for now hold on w me on this spontaneous moment of what ifs. im willing to challenge myself by making me write everything from sukuna's pov, yay me, nay brain! it's not gonna be cannon compliant tho, im shit at remembering lore.

tags: angst, lying, swearing, slightly suggestive, sukuna is a red flag by itself, guillible reader, sukuna pov, sukuna is bad at feelings, possesive behavior (?), unreliable narrator, tba.

wc: 536 words 2,882 characters

--

April 5th, 2016

How long has it been? Around ten-ish months since I've met her, that's a long time. A dragged out and long time since I have been lying to her. Since when do I care about lying? The thousand year old king of curses, turning into a mushy and limp sugar cube for some woman. It's not any woman in my defense, but it's still so annoying. Ever since we met I can't believe how easily I feel myself start to hover over her like some protective canine.

The longer I'm with her the more I dig myself deeper, a side of me is regretful, yet the other is enjoying it in the most deceitful way possible. It's no surprise to anyone that I'm so selfish, especially when it comes to her. Are these feelings normal?

I feel like I want to strangle her everytime she pouts, when she turns over her shoulder and the corners of her mouth drag out to form that chesire smilel that lures me into those glistening eyes.

How is it that the thing I hated the most- sorcerers, has me reconsidering my whole gig of taking over the world and killing sorcerers yada yada.

i think i might... love her

Humans are fragile beings, especially with how easily I can just press them against my index and thumb like a pesky diminute ant. If you ask me personally what humans mean to me, I'll answer honestly.

I hate them. Whiny. Powerless. Weak. Narsiscistic. and overall pesky little shits.

but.

if she were to ask me. God. I'd fold over and have my hand reach to her cheek, caressing it in the most gentle way possible, afraid of the fragility and ephemeral nature of the human species she's sadly a part of. I would've begrudgingly answered "Humans are complex to even have a general opinion on, but if I were to generalize them, I think they're evanescent and self servient. Yet you, transcend my definition, because to me, you're the most kind, precious of incalculable worth, piece of being to ever exist."

To which you of course, had to ask in one of the most vulnerable moments of mine. Giggling and peppering gentle kisses across my forehead like some weakling, not taking anything I say seriously per tradition. You're definitely not the obedient type, Uraume was horrorstruck when I mentioned every incident of tardiness, teasing, disrespectful banter and so on.

God that Uraume, she doesn't get you like I do, it makes me kind of euphoricly selfish. to be the only one who can understand you like this, the one who gets to hear you rant about the measly curses you're facing at the tech, or even hearing you heave my name when you're dry humping my lap.

tell me, my dear and lovely "girlfriend", would you also speak about me like this when I'm not around? would you love me still be here if you knew? even if im your biggest enemy? a menace to your kind? would all your friends try to seal me if they knew?

would you love me all the same when I'm the most cursed yet the most blessed when I'm with you?

...

Pg. 1 of Sukuna's Diary.

---

Shall we continue this as a series?

[blockgamepirate]

Here are some suggestions I have for QSMP, that nobody asked for and that nobody involved with the server is going to actually see anyway (but I can't stop thinking about this so I have to write something down)

This is me trying to be constructive instead of just critical, because I do love this server and I want it to be sustainable

I guess this is vaguely addressed to either Quackity and/or to whoever is leading the team, idk, like I said they aren't gonna read a random tumblr post so who cares

And yes, obviously I'm sure some of the things in this post are already being improved on, I just think it's still worth listing them

1: Better communication all around

Especially within the admin team obviously, including the actors and builders and everyone, but also between the admin team and the streamers! And between the admin team and the audience as well!

I promise more communication almost always helps things work out more smoothly than keeping people out of the loop or not talking to each other, or worse; actively banning people from talking to each other

This includes being more open and reconsidering which things actually need to be kept secret and from whom, because if people don't know what to expect, they're not going to know how to prepare either! And they also won't be able to let you know about potential problems ahead of time!

The streamers and the actors and other team members as well should at the very least know about stuff that's going to affect their schedule and to have some idea of the kinds of things they're gonna be expected to do. If you just suddenly throw stuff at them and expect them to be immediately ready to cooperate or play along, that's just gonna cause frustration and burnout

I would also worry less about spoilers than about backlash when people expect one thing and get something completely different; you can in fact give a bit more hints so people don't get the wrong idea and end up disappointed

(And on the other hand if you have secrets that you can't talk about because they would lead to a big controversy if they were revealed uh.... maybe don't do the thing? Maybe simply don't do the controversial thing that you can't let people know about, consider it. If you feel like something you're doing would make people mad if they knew, that thing might in fact be a problem)

2: Show your respect for everyone involved in the project

Respect people's time, respect their ability to cooperate (AS LONG AS YOU TELL THEM WHAT'S GOING ON), listen to their ideas and concerns, etc. This is honestly also part of communicating better but it's an important part

Respecting and also demonstrating your respect for your team is so crucial as a leader, and it genuinely goes a long way even when you have very little else to give them

In fact I think often people would even appreciate respect more than they would appreciate money (although it has to be genuine respect, not just empty words; hence why I say you need to demonstrate your respect with your actions)

3: Have a more collaborative mindset

Think of all the members of the team and the streamers as partners rather than as employees or as customers; this is a collaborative creative project, not a business

As much as this started out as one man's passion project, there's no way to do something this ambitious other than as a team effort, including the actors, including the streamers, so it's just much healthier for everyone to think of it as such

Also it's just better for the stated goals of the server as well, because it's all about bringing people together and what better way to bring everyone together than to make them feel like they're part of a team?

4: That said, you don't actually need to drop all the admin driven lore, that's not what I'm saying orz

Just because I want the streamers to be more involved doesn't mean I think they should also be planning all the lore, that's just not necessary

pls do get a proper gamemaster on the team, though, someone who has experience running a LARP type of thing or at least a TTRPG campaign. That would help so much, and I bet you could ask Cellbit or Bagi or Charlie if they could recommend anyone

Honestly I could probably make a whole post just about how to run the admin driven lore better, but getting yourself an experienced gamemaster would be so much better than any specific advice I could give

5: If you're gonna have volunteers, you need to treat them like volunteers, not like employees

You have to respect the fact that volunteers are not subordinates, they're here to help you, not to be ordered around, banned from talking to people, judged for their availability, or made to sign weird NDAs

They're offering their labour for free because they care about the project or because they enjoy what they do, and they deserve to be appreciated for it, not policed and bossed around (not that you should treat actual employees with that kind of hostility either tbh)

Having volunteers is not necessarily the problem (at least as long as you're not using them to make a profit), it's treating volunteers as unpaid employees, because then you pretty much do just have unpaid employees instead of volunteers

Okay, finally the big one:

6: Consider running QSMP as a cooperative

I know this is Quackity's baby and a Quackity Studios' project, but the thing is, I don't think this model is sustainable

I mean, we already know it isn't sustainable, that's why we're in this mess

As far as I can tell, Quackity Studios is not making any profit from the server, there's no way the revenue from the admin streams and the QSMP Info channel would be enough to cover all the costs if people were paid decently (in fact I don't think it's even enough to cover the costs without paying everyone decently)

This sort of arrangement, with one party running the whole thing out of pocket, makes sense if it's either a very low maintenance server which doesn't cost much and doesn't require much work to keep running, or a very short-term one, more like an event type of thing

QSMP is neither of those, QSMP is both very high maintenance and has been running for almost a full year

I think there's absolutely value in having an ambitious long term project like this, it's very cool, it's very hype, but this is not a good way to run it

And it's especially bizarre considering that people do make money out of it, but the people making money are the streamers

So I would suggest taking some tips from the Hermitcraft SMP server which is run as a collective. Obviously Hermitcraft is much lower maintenance but their model is also much more robust, because there isn't just one person who has to take responsibility for everything, or pay for everything

It would also encourage the spirit of international cooperation to have the streamers literally be part of the server, not just as guests but as partners, so they could have a say in how the server is run and be more invested in the project

(At least those streamers who want to be involved, of course I realise some of them might choose not to)

This would require regular meetings, but I think that's also a good thing, and an opportunity to also talk things through off-camera whenever any issues come up (better communication again!)

AND it would mean that the streamers should actually contribute to the server costs and paying the admins and other behind the scenes people. Probably based on their stream revenue from QSMP streams because obviously some of these streamers make more money than others (I would suggest a progressive membership fee (like progressive taxation style) to make sure that it's not more taxing for the smaller streamers than the bigger ones, but obviously it should all be agreed on between the members)

And IMO the admins, including the actors, the builders, the devs, the translators, etc. should also be considered partners, but since they don't make money directly, the way the streamers do, they should be the ones who are getting compensated for their contributions so they're better able to commit to the project, by which I mean yes you should pay them, but not as employees but as creative partners

Of course this is just one idea, I'm not saying it's necessarily the only good model by any means, it's just a suggestion, all of these are just suggestions

[fairycosmos]

i don't have anyone so a stranger feels better but i think im going to kill myself soon. i don't see myself living anymore. everything is so doom and gloom

hey i'm so sorry to hear this and i get it 100%. i understand that clichéd words of comfort often ring hollow during times like these, so i won't just spout off empty platitudes. honestly i genuinely empathise with what you're going through and i totally recognising that words can't alleviate the overwhelming turmoil you're experiencing. it's so difficult to be in this headspace day after day, and it's completely understandable to feel drained/on the verge of giving up. existence can be exhausting and sometimes that's just all there is to it.

nevertheless, i hope you're able to reconsider eventually. i hope you're able to get to a place where you're able to see that your current mental state may not accurately reflect reality. your mind may be distorting your perceptions and endlessly catastrophising, as is common w suicidal ideation. it's important to realise that the intensity of these emotions is temporary and doesn't inherently define your future. i know that doesn't ring true right now but it is not impossible that it will eventually. while it might sound trite, reaching out to someone—a friend, your gp or a hotline—can offer the support you need not to suddenly and magically get better, but to safely collapse without harming yourself until you feel ready to stand up again. i'm not suggesting it as a simple or easy solution, but rather as a reminder that you don't have to face this alone. you still have options, even if it feels like you're trapped.

whether you need to cry, vent, distract yourself or just rest, it's all valid. take things moment by moment; that's all that's required of you right now. your presence is so so noticed and your safety is so important. If you feel like you're at risk, please prioritise getting to a secure location and reaching out to someone, even if it means overriding the current impulses of your own mind. you're not alone, and there are so many ways to begin confronting these feelings of suicidal ideation head-on without having to hurt yourself to do so - finding the root causes of why you feel this way, building a routine based off of healthier coping mechanisms, verbalising what's going on in your brain - it all helps. your brain is going to register it as bullshit at first, and that's alright. it's not a cure, and i understand that it's tiring to have to keep trying when it's the last thing in the world you want to do. but it'll give you some space between the intensity of your thoughts and your emotions. with time, it'll make it so that you're able to live a full and manageable life alongside the depression. there's no timeline for it, and it's a lifelong project, which i know isn't ideal. i just think you deserve to give yourself some grace and some time. please, take care of yourself and at least consider rethinking what you're saying to me. i care about you and will be here if you need to talk or anything. please visit the resources below if you feel like you're at your wits end and don't know what else to do. even if they're of no help to you right now, maybe you could come back to them some time. sending a big hug. x

international suicide hotlines / coping with suicidal thoughts pdf / creating a crisis plan / suicidal ideation coping skills / suicidal ideation coping skills 2

[cascodedtech]

"Ah well, always did want to go his own way. Always asking damn fool questions, too."

Okay, I'm trying to get my thoughts together here, but let me see if I can verbalize why this line bothers me so much.

I generally take the final fifteen at face value (although I absolutely love reading any and all meta/theories about it). I think Aziraphale believes that he can make a difference, and I think he honestly thought making Crowley an angel again was a good thing, not because he doesn't think Crowley is good (he tells Crowley such on multiple occasions), but because I think there is a part of him that believes that Crowley doesn't like to cause misery for humanity and this would give him an out. I don't think he really considered how it would sound, and I think he was honestly surprised by Crowley's reaction. And I think that sometimes Aziraphale uses Crowley as a moral compass to some extent, not in the sense of Crowley knowing what is good, but Crowley knowing the shades of grey and what doesn't feel right, which, in part is why he was reconsidering going to heaven when The Metatron came back into the bookshop.

HOWEVER, this line from The Metatron always bothered me. We've already established that Crowley and The Metatron know each other, and are familiar enough that Crowley recognizes him right away (I don't think this is just because of the trial video he watched in heaven, because Saraqeal saw it too and didn't recognize him, and Michael and Uriel also interacted with him during the trial and neither recognized him).

I think that whatever rank Crowley was in heaven (I have my own theories), it involved close work or interaction with The Metatron on a fairly regular basis, and I sometimes wonder if The Metatron didn't have something to do with his fall (I acknowledge that Neil has told us Crowley is an unreliable narrator, so I don't think he fell by "accident"). From what I can remember about biblical lore, Lucifer (and his angels) fell, not because he questioned God, but because he refused to put humanity above his love for God. Crowley, from what I can tell, is the only angel who *questioned* God. He actually does love humanity more than God, so he actually really didn't go against God's will in heaven, per se.

So, when The Metatron tells Aziraphale that Crowley always did want to go his own way and how he was always asking questions, it implies some kind of familiarity, and I don't think it was necessarily just by reputation.

Consider that in 1x01, Gabriel didn't even really seem to know who Crowley was (which always struck me as a little weird), despite the fact that we know Crowley fought in the war in heaven, and logic would posit that "The Supreme Archangel" would have also fought in the war. And sure, there were probably hundreds or thousands of participants in the war, but Crowley is well-known enough that he is recognizable to both demons and angels that he hasn't interacted with for thousands of years.

...

I've lost the thread now. Uh, to sum up, I think Crowley was important and powerful in heaven. I don't think God is who made Crowley fall. I think The Metatron did it or played some role in it, and I think that he knew Crowley would never go back to heaven, but needed to sever the connection between Crowley and Aziraphale because he knew that Crowley would know something was going on in heaven, when Aziraphale might not (I think Aziraphale knows heaven is toxic, but I think he is willing to go back because he truly believes he can make a difference *for humanity* by being in charge, I just don't think he's actually going to be in charge, and Crowley knows that but Aziraphale doesn't).

Anyway, I have no idea if this stream of consciousness makes any sense to anyone else, but, I'm very interested to see if we will get more heaven flashbacks/minisodes in Season 3, particularly of The Battle and Crowley's fall.

[verysium]

what do you read in your spare time? you’re one of the most eloquent users i know, id love to hear how you find the media you consume and what your favorites are

omg ei 😊 welcome back to the inbox! thank you for your sweet words although i'm probably not qualified enough to be considered the full definition of eloquent. i am going to preface this post by saying that i definitely don't read as much as i should, so this list is not going to be comprehensive whatsoever. the last time i even visited an in-person library was like half a decade ago, and since then my spare time has been nonexistent lmao. anyways, here are some of my favorite/most recent reads as listed by author:

POETRY

richard siken: i think siken is already well-known both in the literary world and in whatever booktok deems is popular culture. if you don't already know him though, he is best known for his poetry collection crush, which delves into themes of obsession, gay love, and violent eroticism. i actually read this chapbook unknowingly. as in i was hounding sketchy pdf download sites at 3 AM and saw a man with bloodied lips on the cover and decided to read it. he basically became my summer fever dream after that. the way he juxtaposes images is seamless, smoother than water. only richard siken can talk about violence without making it sound violent. i also enjoyed his other poetry collection war of the foxes, especially "portrait of fryderyk in shifting light." i think light is a common motif throughout most of his poems, and he manipulates it effortlessly. the most recent piece i read from him is "piano lesson." i have nothing left to say that he didn't already say, so i would just recommend reading it for yourself. he is the og big brain when it comes to word play.

ocean vuong: he's unforgettable, and i mean that literally because nobody forgets a person named ocean. time is a mother was exactly what the name suggests: an exploration of grief, loss, and the rewind of time after his mother's death. some of the poems are almost cinematic in quality. "künstlerroman" is my favorite because it feels exactly like watching a video tape in reverse. i think his most famous work is "someday i'll love ocean vuong." it was the first piece i ever read from him, and to this day, it remains my comfort poem.

silas denver melvin: i only recently discovered him through his chapbook grit. i think he's also on tumblr @/sweatermuppet. he writes a lot on the trans experience, and his work gives me a mix of southern gothic and country vibes. would definitely read his other publications if i had the time.

chen chen: one thing about chen chen is that he always comes to devour. my favorite works from him are "self-portrait as so much potential" and "song of the anti-sisyphus." you have to put on your thinking cap for some of his poems, but once you grasp the meaning, everything makes sense all at once.

franny choi: "disaster means without a star" was the entire inspiration behind my first rin fic. i relate to her more personally in regards to the diaspora experience, but her collections are worth reading in general because of the sheer quality.

pages matam: his poem "piñata" was what got me into slam poetry. his work mostly consists of political commentary which i feel is particularly relevant in today's social climate. "on learning america's english" also resonates with people who have encountered the entire losing/learning immigrant tongues experience.

laura lamb brown-lavolie: i've only read one spoken word poem from her, and tbh i only needed to read one. "on this the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the titanic, we reconsider the buoyancy of the human heart" is my two-headed calf poem. one day i will get this tattooed.

brendan constantine: once again, this was the result of me being chronically online coupled with the boredom of an august heat wave. i found "the opposites game" through TED. honestly, i was a bit unsure about it at first, but it's a cute little poem that makes you really delve into the intricacies of craft.

TEEN POETRY & PROSE

yasmeen khan: she could mouth her words onto every square inch of my body, and i would still be coming back for more. ingraining them into flesh is not enough. "movie stars" is by far my favorite work from her. she writes about femininity and womanhood so profoundly. it's tragic, but really i wouldn't have it end any other way.

kaya dierks: her writing is basically middle-of-nowhere small town stoner teenage life but personified. "crushed" is my favorite piece from her. the soundtrack for this work was definitely by ethel cain, and you cannot convince me otherwise.

FICTION

madeline miller: i was first introduced to her when i read the song of achilles. let's just say that book had me nonverbal for the greater half of three months. it was my metaphorical hatchet. i buried it once, and i never want to dig it up again. i read circe a few years later. the first time was during the blue hour at an airport, right between one red-eye flight and another transfer. i don't even remember that experience because i was heavily sleep-deprived. i read it again recently for a literature course, this time for academic analysis. overall, i enjoy the the heroine-centric narrative. typically, i'm a bit wary of novels with heavy feminist themes because they either project their agenda too strongly or they run the risk of misrepresentation. circe doesn't exactly have that problem. it was more about empowerment and less about exercising power over others.

charlotte brontë: as a historical figure, brontë was questionable, but jane eyre most certainly was not. that book rewired my brain, and that is saying something because i have never read any classic by choice. and it is so important to me that jane was the ugliest, plainest girl you could ever imagine. also cus i unironically enjoy angst, and this book was full of dramatic misunderstandings.

yoko ogawa: i love japanese literature, so there is no reason not to include this one here. "a peddler of tears" is one of my favorite short stories. i did not expect the ending at all, but it was welcome. something about violence, body gore, and dismemberment being framed as romantic and semi-erotic just gets to me. sign me the hell up. hotel iris is a hit-or-miss with some people. either you like the fact that art makes you uncomfortable or you shut it down completely. for me, i was alright with exploring some of its darker themes, but read at your own discretion.

NONFICTION

ross gay: he lives up to his name both in optimism and in carefree joy. probably one of my favorite creative nonfiction authors simply based off the accessibility of his writing style. easy to read and understand but still hits you with the full force of a semi-truck. i would recommend his book inciting joy. it's a collection of essays that delve into grief, but since this is ross gay, he makes it seem like a quintessential part of life.

paul kalanithi: sixteen-year-old me was mind blown by him cus before that doctors were shrewish old men with bald spots and sterile coats, not poetic surgeons who dissected the anatomy of word and recited t.s. eliot in the most heart-wrenching way possible. he is everything i want to become in both life and death. when breath becomes air literally does take your breath away.

[hamliet]

Ahhhh!!! I’m so excited that you’re into Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss!!! If you don’t mind me asking, What do you think about the theory that Angel was in love with Val before the pilot? Or that he might still be in a toxic trauma bond situation with him now?

Oh he's definitely still in a toxic trauma bond situation. Val abuses Angel and Angel can't bring himself to leave him--of course, Val literally owns him, but that's also symbolic of what it can feel like in an abusive relationship. Very rare is it to make a clean quick break.

Love is complicated and it depends on how you define love, I suppose. One thing I think a lot of the "in love" discussions miss is that you can be abused relationships that do not have romantic love as a part of them. Particularly, a boss-employee situation, which is clearly part of Angel and Val's dynamic. It's just extra complicated because their boss-employee situation is porn star and pimp, so there's automatically a sexual element to it, which can often mix up with romantic elements.

Personally, I don't know that Angel really saw himself as in love with Val. I'm not ruling it out, but to me it seems more likely that Angel sees himself using Val just as much as Val uses him. Obviously, though, Angel is an unreliable narrator--that's not equal since Val has much more power than Angel does.

Sure, Angel can loan his soul to Val, but Val gives him fame, sex, and drugs, everything he wants, so it's fine, right? It's fine! (It's not fine.)

I shoulda' known it when I looked in your red-hot eyes Spewin' all your red-hot lies

Clearly Val lied to Angel, and is still lying to him, but that doesn't have to be inherently romantic, or exclusively so. Honestly, where I lean is that Angel might have equalized their relationship in his mind, and They're both using each other. They're both looking out for each other's interests--Val wants money and sex, so Angel will give it, and Val will give Angel what he wants to and protect him from worse situations (like not having what he wants). At least, this is how Angel might see it. But owning someone's soul is a whole new level of control, and we've seen Val exploit this.

The reality, also, is that Val wants Angel because Val likes to abuse Angel. It's fun for him. It makes him feel powerful. That's the lie Val's telling and the poison Angel keeps swallowing: that it's mutually beneficial. It's not.

Yet Angel doesn't like to see himself as a victim and doesn't want anyone to see him that way. That's partially why he's horrified when Charlie shows up on set and why he begs Val not to hurt her--seeing what Val could do to Charlie horrifies Angel not just because he loves Charlie (as a friend), but because it also puts into context how Val actually treats him. This is also something akin to real-life abusive situations, wherein seeing an abuser treat someone else like that often jolts someone into reconsidering their reality.