#which fair. it might sound like it.
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#and you might think that i'm a bit of a bitch to my own mother now#which fair. it might sound like it.#but what you have to understand is that i'm like. the biggest 33yo homebody in existence.#(which is also most likely thanks to how short she kept me when i was younger but whatever. it is what it is now.)#the craziest thing i do every now and again on weekends is like a midday walk through half of the city.#it always starts like that with her. she always disguises it as *worrying* to be able to tell me off when i say she should calm down a bit.#she would be content if i would *report* daily with the list of things from what i ate to what i was doing#she doesn't care or approves of my hobbies or interests & never bothers to inquire about any of it.#it would've been best if i found myself a husband and popped her a grandchild 'cause then *i wouldn't be so alone*#am tired chief 'cause that's just. not healthy.#irregular tag ramble#lady's real life
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Me, a Canadian with no legal access to Prodigy's second season: I wonder what's new on the JC side of Tumblr today...
#slight exaggeration...#but wow am i suddenly seeing a lot of anger along with the love#which is fair#absolutely cool to have different perspectives#i guess i just wasn't expecting it to be so polarizing#also it sounds like chakotay might give miles a run for his money?#i wish our netflix had the second season so much...#janeway/chakotay#j/c#janeway x chakotay#star trek: voyager#star trek voyager#star trek: prodigy#star trek prodigy#prodigy
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kavetham different meeting au where theres a sort of fair for people who want to study in the akademiya to get to know each darshan, yknow those college fairs? where they talk to you about universities and courses? like that. and the kshahrewar and the haravatat booths are next to each other and kaveh and alhaitham are responsible for them and despite having just met they bicker with each other all. day. every future akademiya student that passes through one of their booths might as well have passed through both because they will not stop arguing about which darshan is better and which one the people talking to them should go to. its a very amusing experience to all involved except for kaveh and alhaitham themselves. and anyways. nuisances to lovers
#inspired by real life situation in the university/career fair i am at rn with my school lmao#the sociology girl and the law school guy wouldn't stop bickering about which major was better it was so funny#not hinting romance between them though that's weird they're real people. it just reminded me of kavetham because i have brainrot#anyways yeah that's my pitch for a 200k words slow burn academic rivals to lovers rated M kavetham fic#kavetham#haikaveh#my posts#alhaitham#kaveh#also what i described might sound like the interdarshan but no that was focused on games this is focused on studying
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NaNo 2024: Victory!!
Hello, world, here's my tidied desk in the aftermath of FINISHING ANOTHER BOOK!!! It took me EXACTLY four (4) pens this year (I was literally writing my wrap-up stats in the back of the notebook when the in on the last one started to go!), on 82 pages across two (2) notebooks, and preliminary* word count is 71,541!! (*subject to change once typed--I count by hand and tweak as I type haha.)
Also featuring: the NaNo Earrings, Volumes 2 and 3 of the Bitch Journal (where I whine about writerly things and also Reflect On My Process--I learned very much this year and got a lot of dopamine from it!!), the tiny watch that kept me company in my tertiary writing space, the earplugs that made working at home Tolerable (mostly), and some of the frantic scribbles on scrap paper (I got a LOT of mileage out of a dead receipt that Panera misprinted for me lol).
Now, onward to TYPING!! I would love for this not to take most of December, so I'll probably have more Unhinged Goals About That (I don't know why I am the way that I am), but! The hard part is done!!
#nano2024#hh#writing#i already don't love the title i wrote at the top of the manuscript by the way lol#i might just call it 'the wintergreen house'#instead of a street address#it doesn't need a street address because of where it is#i just also like how 'seventeen wintergreen' sounds so....unclear lol#and anyway listen the half a space lichen doesn't really vibe with names humans can pronounce anyway#so they end the book not sure what to call it#or how to refer to it#which is fair because how would YOU try to pronounce a constellation of flashing lights and weird almost-smells??#exactly. good luck lol#ANYWAY I HAD SO MUCH FUN I LEARNED A LOT ABOUT MY PROCESS (i have tag rambled about this elsewhere i won't do it again lol)#100/10 recommend doing a Journal Thing if you have a creative process btw#to hack your way around said creative process#The Bitch Journal has been THE biggest game changer for me in writer land lately#it started out like the top one says 'mostly just whining' but it's wild how easily that slides into Reflection and Figuring Yourself OutLO#if i ever taught writing this is the only kind of journal i would implement#i had a professor who wanted us to do Idea Journals which fine cool observation things#but GOSH this one was SO MUCH MORE HELPFUL TO ME#and really framing it as whining was SO good#because you get all the gunk out and then words can GO#anyway. everyone needs a Bitch Journal i think#be a bitch do your bitching etc#nano#the Void already started coming for me last night btw#IT'S TOO EARLY FOR THE POST PROJECT CRASH LEAF ME ALONE!!!!
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also like i partially found out i might be intersex because i was looking at trans stuff and there was like "(however many) months on t and finally seeing some bottom growth" and like pictures of t-dicks and i was like.... um.... that's kind of just what my clit looks like anyways. so i was like "hey google give me a quick rundown on this" and learned what clitoromegaly was and then i was like. hm. intersex resources. and it's like a sign? symptom? side-effect? of certain intersex conditions
#i mean like pcos runs in the mums side of my family but i dont have all the symptoms of that#i do also have like. more hair?? than the average afab person#like dark hair on my stomach and chest and back#and my face. whats disappointing about the face hair is that it isnt enough to be able to grow a beard#so i cant even fuck with gender that way#tagging as nsft just because of like genital mention#genital mention#nsft#shoutout to transmascs on t who show their t-dicks on the internet it was really helpful#also i dont know how to describe it but like. my natural face shape is kind of masculine??#like it would be plausible for a cis amab perisex man to have my face without looking feminine#if you get what im saying??#if it sounds like im reinforcing sex or gender essentialism please say i am struggling to find words#unshoutout to the boys in primary school who made fun of me for having hair under my arms and starting a whole decade of insecurity-#-about having hair on my body lmao#for the record i dont think certain face shapes are indicative of gender and all im just going by like. patterns?? in afab vs. amab faces#also not that i think afab vs. amab is the entire categorisation of human sex characteristics but um. working with what vocab i have here#i think what also really kicked it off. was relating to a fair few experiences intersex people have socially#particularly intersex ppl who were afab and faced a lot of pressure to make their bodies conform to feminine beauty standards#and it was like.... oh lol.... my mum did that to me!!#it comes from her own internalised shit bc she has pcos (idk if she identifies as intersex even tho she could if she wanted) but still.#dont project that onto a 10 yr old lmao. she keeps buying me hair removal products#ALSO floored by an experience i have. in which apparently half my friends dont feel pressure to shave their legs#because the hair on their legs is like. light and thin and barely visible and i was like?? huh??#what do you MEAN your legs don't look like your brothers/fathers if you dont shave??#im starting to think they dont shave their arms. their arms might just naturally not have a load of hair#i dont shave my arms though. cannot be bothered with that and also like. why would i do that#also you know that like. happy trail i think its called?? on “men's” stomachs??#yeah i have that naturally yeah thats right im naturally sexy#if you cant tell i am putting “girls” “mens” “boys” “womens” etc. in quotes to indicate that is just the normal society way of saying it
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Friends, I think it's time for me to come clean about some things. After a lot of thought, I've come to the conclusion that I'm straight. I have never felt genuine attraction for women or any other type of person that aren't men, it was just a phase of self delusion I feel into. I hope you all understand.
#having said that. i also must add that even when this sounds very serious and you might be thinking: wow what an idiot she is#and you might even be thinking of unfollowing me- which is more than fair-#i have to tell you something else#HAPPY APRIL'S FOOL BITCHES#I'M QUEER AS FUCK AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN#bisexuality is more than my friend she's like a brother to me she's in my dna#jdhdkkff#i'm just feeling very schoopid hskdjdkdkd#if people used to fake coming out i thought why not do the opposite djjd
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its actually okay 2 not get ppl expensive things 4 Christmas if u literally just do not have money its actually okay 2 not get ppl expensive things 4 Christmas if u literally just do not have money its actually okay 2 not get ppl expensive things 4 Christmas if u literally just do not have money
#TRYINGGG 2 tell myself this#ive been trying to get a job for like#half a year now#w no luck#so i literally cannont get people proper gift for christmas without asking my mother for money#which i dont rlly think is fair#and its fucked up cus i really wanna get people the thing they want#im gonna hand make everything this year and give ppl drawings of things they like#but man#i need a job..#i rlly might consider getting my brothers old ice cream place job in the next town over#that actually sounsz fun…#like#ik its the standared IF yOu DONT GET GOOD UR GONNA B FLIPPIN BUTGERS#but uh flipping burgers kinda sounds fun…#and making ice cream#and if it pays i dont rlly care#its gonna be just as shitty if i decide to go retail i gotta deal w customeer service either way#ihh kinda vent
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#(( ooc. ))#negativity tw#venting tw#sorry for bad vibes on the dash today again#will delete this in a sec just lemme vent#so. i bought all the food for thanksgiving....#i cooked it all. his only contribution was rinsing half of the potatoes. peeling 2 carrots. and opening a couple cans for me#even the turkey that was supposed to be his to handle i ended up doing#bc he severely undercooked it so i had to step in to fix that and make sure it cooked properly#and then he said 'okay. you did all the cooking. i'll clean up.'#................... nope. guess who handled that too#while he was just sitting at the table after he was done#i'm the one that put all the food away. wiped down everything. filled the dishwasher#and got it going. gathered up all the other dishes and put them by the sink to wash#so to recap. i bought all the food. made all the food. and cleaned up after the entire meal#if i sound bitter its because i am#when i pointed out that i was having to clean up everything when he said he would his response was just 'sorry i'm such a useless hubby'#i mean yeah kinda#couple all this with the fact that i'm also the one who was up until midnight last night. on my bday. and on my period and exhausted#doing a ton of housework that he was supposed to handle. including cat litter which flares up my asthma when i do it#but i didn't have a choice. just masked up and did it myself bc its not fair to the fluffy bbys if i just let it slide and wait#for him to do it. bc that might be a few days.#sorry to bitch on the dash like this but just. the last couple days especially have been disappointing#between him flubbing my big 30 bday yesterday and now this today......... i'm really over it#gonna be lurking here and pretending i'm not pissed off
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I AGREE its so crazy how zap gags weren't a thing.... like TTCC really popped off with that one! i understand TTR is moreso sticking closer to the way TTO was but WOW zap just feels so natural with a REALLY good mechanic that uses strategy in using squirt and its just so good.... also my favorite track
YEEEPP!! That's how I feel about it. Squirt and zap just mix well together. I also think the addition of an 8th gag track was also a good move, allowing for a nice rotation of combinations (like how lure-trap and throw-drop are together as a combo). And also its a nice even number. I also think it helps utilize squirt, idk just feels good to do in general. Of course, I don't really have anything to compare this to and it's just me speaking as a player of (currently) one server, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
It's my favorite too, zap warriors UNITE!!
#clemask#clemramble#this is also not me hating on tt r either#actually i probably dont have to space that out because this is going to appear in word search anyways but still#i know sometimes there's a little bit of competition (is that what youd call it)? between the two servers. i want it to be stated that#i do not care about server comp. play what you want. who cares. i think both servers have their pros and cons and finding value in what YOU#like is more important than which one is the “”best“”. I think TR does an amazing job of taking TTO and transforming it into something more#while also staying true to the original game. i love the fact it brings some of the old concepts that were originally scrapped or lost#i also like the toon events that they have. like there was the halloween one and if i believe correctly it had a parade in it?#SUPPPERR COOL. i shouldve atleast played a little during that time just to experience it. but to be fair during the school year my#playing in general is toned down a lot. im sure everyone reading this knows how it is#and obviously i like ttcc. it has mac and winn. i mean what who said that.theres a ghost in here....#and i can understand why people like or dont like each server. they all have pros and cons. but to me its like the two cakes image#sorry i felt the need to clarify bc i know im kindof exclusively a ttcc guy and me going 'ummmm well tt r doesnt have zap' might sound#like im hashtag hating but im not. tt r is awesome ok. i need to try it out one day.#i just really like zap as a gag. like anon stated i think it just really feels natural to the game#that water electric combo does wonders
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i keep trying to read about how the net works in the cyberpunk world and how it's different from the real internet because a lot of my fics are very heavily focused on that aspect of the setting, and i can't tell if this doesn't make sense because i don't know enough about how the internet works in the first place or just because sci fi never truly makes perfect sense since it's ultimately fictional
#see it matters which one because the first one can be fixed with research and the second one can't#i found this mike pondsmith post on reddit where he says that he wrote a “big ass theoretical paper with diagrams and everything”#about how the cyberpunk net works that he wrote while he was working at microsoft#and he said he might release it someday but apparently he hasn't yet and the post is dated two years ago#so idk if he still has that in the pipeline#he well might cause it sounds like a big project and not necessarily something to prioritize#so it might just be something that will take a while#i'd love to read that tho#tho honestly i have pdfs of all the cyberpunk ttrpg books and haven't even read all of those yet#i prioritize my pdfs of the world of darkness books anyway to be fair#especially mage#mage is the best ttrpg setting of all time#and now i've gone completely off on a tangent anyway goodnight send post
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October this year has felt kind of vague and adrift for me, no real festive spirit to speak of--or at least nowhere near how last year felt, when it was Year of the Vampire and all.
BUT I am remedying that now with a combined pincer attack of 1) relistening to Night Vale from the beginning on my commute to work and 2) rereading Warm Bodies on my breaks/in my spare time. Things are getting increasingly spooky up in here
#consider this a heartfelt rec for both of the series mentioned#for anyone who might not know: Welcome to Night Vale is a fiction podcast in the form of a community radio show#the host of the show gives news and commentary on the happenings in a small desert town#... a small town that's regularly besieged by cosmic horrors and shadowy government agencies and various other monsters and phenomena#it's extremely chill and relaxing! which is funny to say because it sounds like a joke but it's actually true.#the residents of the town are used to all of this strangeness so it's described in the same tone as the results of the schoolboard election#seriously even ten years later this podcast has me giggling like a maniac every few minutes#it's very funny and heartfelt despite ostensibly being horror themed#and as for the other series--Warm Bodies by Isaac Marion is SUUUUCH an underrated book series#the tl;dr is it's a zombie-human love story#there was a movie based on the first book several years back and it was pretty good imo#it plays up the romcom aspect a lot. which is fair but not EXACTLY accurate to the book. as you might imagine lol#the actual book though??? god I'm only two chapters in on my re-read and I had underestimated how much I love the way this protag thinks#it is HEAVY on philosophical discussion and even digs into some societal/political issues later on#and the supernatural/sci-fi worldbuilding is so incredible that tbh I can barely take any other type of zombies seriously after reading thi#it's just. it's good. check it out if you're not afraid of a little gore in your star-crossed romance#(I'd say more but I don't want to spoil the end of the first book! it's a fairly predictable twist but it still feels so good)
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i have work to do. 27497005 dead 7738 injured
#hi do you remember how i had an english presentation on phonetics? its tomorrow#i am 2cm tall and my teacher has no mercy (i showed absolutely no hints of being unwilling and intentionally looked interested in doing it)#it is my nature what can i say. it is making her proud and so i will do it#i am very anxious that i'll mess it up! which i might.#it turns out it's not gonna happen just how i imagined it‚ which is the issue#i imagined i would be giving a presentation in front of an audience! which i think was fair of me to assume#to the contrary there are going to be little stands and people will come up to me to hear what i have to teach. and im supposed to quiz -#- them after! i do not want that#im gonna have to prepare little papers that have words on them and they're gonna pick from that. and then they have to pronounce it right#its stupid. i also need to prepare a large piece of cardboard that has the combination letters im going to touch on#and what sounds they make#the problem is one combination doesn't make just one sound! how am i supposed to visualise /that/?#i /would/ do it in a way that makes sense to me (complex symbol coding that i make up and then memorise) but others don't work like that.#very tragic situation on my end i don't know how im going to do this.#i am the tiniest guy on this earth... how will i do this when i am literally so small(<-is just anxious)#🌙rambling
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#my parents just got home from my grandparents so obviously we’re not driving to visit my brother tonight because it’s almost 10pm and he#lives like 6-8 hours away but I asked if we’re going tomorrow or not at all and her answer was ‘we’re not going’#then she was like ‘are you sad?’ and I’m like no#because I’m not sad I’m annoyed#annoyed that I canceled my plans for this weekend trip that they came up with just a couple days ago just for me to have to cancel my#piercing plan (which they don’t know about to be fair) but also canceled on my best friend because I thought I wouldn’t be here and then I#told her no I wouldn’t come over tonight either bc I thought maybe we might leave early in the morning tomorrow#but we’re not doing that either and I could have gone to target like I wanted to also but I didn’t want to leave and go anywhere bc I didn’t#know how long my parents were going to be or what the general plan was until it was too late and dark for me to want to go anywhere#anyway I’m just annoyed like what was even the fucking point? I hurried home from work threw all my stuff together fully packed and got my#pillow and my blanket my chargers and everything#I even unplugged all the electronics in my room bc I don’t leave stuff plugged in when I know I’m gonna be away for a few days#just for us to not go at all#if either of my parents had packed before today then we would’ve already been on the road by the time my aunt called#would we have just turned around then or what?#also ugh it’s like my parents knew I had plans they wouldn’t approve of bc it was almost right after I made the plans for the piercing with#my friend from work that they threw these plans at me and then once I’d told him I couldn’t do today but maybe next weekend they suddenly#wanted to switch our trip to next weekend but decided to keep it this weekend when I was like uh no#and now that my plans are to go next Friday to get pierced like neither of my parents really shared any plans or even packed anything until#today almost like they just didn’t really plan to go which I know sounds dumb and paranoid to say but we didn’t even have a hotel#reservation like we normally would like these plans just seemed very tentative this weekend and it’s just so annoying to me#I wasted my entire afternoon basically thinking maybe we would get to go and thinking maybe tomorrow and ugh#I’m just in a mood I’m sorry#I need to translate this annoyance into writing chp 10 before I fall asleep#also my best friend is updating me on her house sitting alone and she’s freaking out bc she’s not used to sleeping alone in a house by#herself and the power just went out on her and if my parents would’ve made our lack of plans more clear I could’ve at least been there with#her so she wasn’t so freaked out or at least so we’d be freaked out together#but tbh girl just lock yourself in a bedroom that’s what I always do when I have to sleep in my house alone. and put my car keys right#beside my head so if anything crazy did happen I could at least like set my car alarm off to alert the neighbors
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Oof feeling a little sad and lonely, so I will just take the time to wave to the void of Tumblr first. I'm OK. I am playing 'You Feel Like Shit,' which is a wonderful game to play when you do, in fact, feel like shit. I will figure my life out and get some rest and remember that I'm in the storm with God. I think it would just be nice if I lived and was closer to friends, you know?
#The thing rn is#I don't really particularly want a boyfriend yet#But the nature of the social friction of NCR#is that my friends would have to travel great distances to see me#And I them#And...no one wants to do that frequently#The only time I see it happening is with romantic partners#Which is fair! You want to invest time with someone who might be your spouse#But I wish I had people close to me#I do not want to make their girlfriends did or them to secretly like me and then not so subtly bottle it up ughhhhh#That sounds vain doesn't it but I just do not want the subtle overstepping of boundaries that comes with that#I just want peace and friendship#Praying for it#clary scribbles
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it sounds so obvious now, but im pretty sure my physical problems rn can all be traced back to the fact that my brain and body has been in a constant hypervigilance and cortisol overload for 3 months straight. the dizziness, the blackouts, the acne, the constant nausea, the giant eyebags and sudden crows feet ?? Like yeah, no shit thats what happens when ur every waking hour is the equivalent of that camille preaker crying gif
#i know the fact that i faint every couple of days and go a little blind sometimes should be priority here#but it REALLY pisses me off how much and how quickly this (?) stress is aging me#id still like to look good even if i feel like shit. sorry#the worst thing is that im doing everything in my power to do all the right things#but since i dont actually KNOW why having sex affected me in such a weird way. I cant really take the proper steps to get over it#like.. i can treat the symptoms best i can but as far as the root of it all. i have no idea whats actually wrong or how to fix it#in some senses it seems pretty cut and dry- i cant remember my childhood. i was neglected. i have a bunch of issues#i have sex for the first time. i stop functioning. i go into a depressive episode. i cant sleep.eat.be around people#i feel paralyzed by fear at the most random of times and have to hide in a small space to feel safe again. i cry so much i pop an eye vesse#like CLEARLY something is wrong. and just in an objective sense it sounds like something bad happened a long time ago associated with sex#however ! life is more complicated than that and i think its unhelpful to make assumptions (yes im aware i might also be in denial lol)#i already know i have trauma so its not weird for me to exhibit trauma responses. and maybe that was triggered bc i wasnt ready to have sex#it doesnt have to have a sinister explanation. it might just be as simple as me not vibing with the guy and regretting it later#idk. obviously my reaction to it is violently out of proportion. but i might just be a sensitive person !#does that sound silly or reasonable? reading it back i still kinda wonder if its just the denial speaking but idk!#i really really wish i just knew what was wrong so that i could actually start to move on#i know im bumming u guys out talking about it but i cant exactly talk to my family and im trying to not unload everything onto my friends :#bc as supportive and wonderful as they are i can tell they feel bad and have no idea what to say#which is fair enough bc its a really weird situation! so i dont want to burden them more than what i have to for my own sanity#tw#?#diary entries
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its easy to blame mental problems on yourself but the good thing is! it only takes one sentence for my mom to blow up and show me where i got it all =w=b
#its awesome that were all so closely connected by our anger issues <33#obvs not saying its her fault at all. very much not!!!!#but it does always. remind me.#i have a good home life. were all fine. and being a mum must be EXHAUSTING and something that i will never understand.#but its.#i dont know.#sillyposting#its difficult.#i was trying to explain why her saying “ohh did you eat a lot today” to my brother might sound accusatory and bothering. (in more context)#but its IMMEDIATELY taken as my trying to be nosy and butting in. not even one sentence i get to explain.#which. fair. it shouldnt be my business. but were having dinner. were all here. my brother is UPSET aswell (same anger issues <33) so.#i try to calm us all down. but ofcourse its not taken like that.#she always takes it like were all against her.#and to some extend thats right.#me and my brother and my dad often talk over dinner about tech stuff because we all like it.#and often in the middle of it she butts in with “okay enough debate.” while we are. just talking.#albeit indeed passionately.... it still is just a conversation over dinner.#there is my youngest brother but he is very much walking the same path as my other brother and i.#and it must be incredibly isolating to be alone in your own home. to feel so left out.#i do feel bad. it is not her fault. but again.... it explains a lot.#i do wonder how much little me has been affected by it. could things have been different??#i dont want to admit that her worst fear is true but.#i shouldnt say. its not nice.#i wont.#my mom is good. she tries really hard. it very much could have been worse.
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