#which I’m assuming is because of how limited their relationship has been up to this point- they're not married

[daydreamerdrew]

Tales of Suspense (1959) #77

[michanvalentine]

Of course, Astarion wants to ascend. He wants it so much, it’s as clear as day. He has never hidden how much he ideally likes the idea of power—to elevate himself from his current position, to ensure his safety, to bend others to his will (instead of being the one who is bent). And if he can also walk in the sun and never feel the hunger pangs again, even better!

But let’s not forget that Astarion has a limited worldview. Cazador himself says it in one of his confrontations with Tav/Durge: "He is afraid. He is afraid because all he has ever known is you and me, and without us, he is nothing."

Astarion does not have a well-developed sense of self, and by default, he also lacks many of the skills that a well-adjusted adult should possess. So, to navigate life, he can either rely on the worldview presented by Cazador (power, power, power, and more power—to place himself above others) or the one offered by Tav/Durge, assuming they are a heroic figure. Otherwise, the only perspective left is that of power, and Ascending becomes almost natural in an evil playthrough (which I myself did in my villain run). Ascending Astarion in a good playthrough, however, seems completely contradictory to me, but whatever…

Let’s not forget that power is not Astarion’s driving force—power is only a means to an end. His real driving force is fear, as both Cazador and Scleritas emphasize. He would do anything to feel safe (like becoming a half-Illithid if scared enough by Tav/Durge—even though he rejects that idea with every fiber of his being, and yet…). The scene with the dryad, Naoise Nallinto, in Astarion’s origin run makes it crystal clear: when she uses her power on him, among all the possible choices (wealth, respect, power, etc.), Astarion’s personal wish is to feel safe, not power—even though power is explicitly one of the options. But it’s not his!

Oh, and Astarion himself spells it out, right before the final decision between Ascending or not. His exact words: "One final thrust, and I'll be free of you. I will never have to fear you again. And if I complete the ritual you started, I'll never have to fear anyone. Ever."

Everything revolves around fear, which is once again emphasized in the insight check—where it becomes obvious what is driving him and what is simultaneously holding him back from making a rational decision. Because while it’s true that he wants to ascend, he also wants to redeem himself. Well yes, it's shocking, folks, but two completely opposite desires can exist within the same person. They're called internal contradictions, and we all experience them every day or almost ("Oh, damn, I want to go out with my friends tonight, but I also want to just lie on the couch and watch TV").

Let’s not pretend this character is one-dimensional and that all these dialogue lines don’t exist when discussing Astarion. Of course he wants to ascend—he wants it so badly. The point is understanding why he wants it. And then questioning whether giving in to that fear is truly worth it, considering the consequences and what he would be giving up (because even Ascending comes with its own sacrifices, and I’m not even talking about his soul or the 7,000 people).

That’s why, if they choose to, Tav/Durge can intervene and make him reflect on the alternative (which, depending on how you play your Tav, could have been introduced to him from the very beginning of the adventure—it’s not something that just comes out of nowhere, unless you’re playing completely incoherently).

And it’s Astarion himself, in one of the most beautiful dialogues in the entire game, who explicitly states this lesson he has learned. When Durge is overcome with despair and fear—just like him—and tries to end the relationship, Astarion says: "This little adventure of ours has taught me that we can't let our lives be ruled by fear, or else we'll never truly live."

He has understood. He has grown. He has accepted that uncomfortable emotion and has decided not to be consumed by it—to choose for himself without letting fear dictate his actions. And I couldn’t be prouder of him.

One last thing, because I’ve seen it repeated a lot on social media: Ascending is not Astarion’s lifelong dream—it is Cazador’s dream. Astarion didn’t even know this kind of ritual existed until five minutes before it happened, so no, Tav/Durge is not cruelly ripping away his lifelong dream just for the sake of moral superiority. And above all, they are not forcing him to give it up—but I’ve already talked about this before, and I’m not going to repeat myself.

[laurelsofhighever]

On Lucanis and ace representation

I have mixed feelings about it. Spoilers ahead, obviously.

On the one hand, I have been writing ace representation into Dragon Age fandom for at least five years by this point; I have made posts speculating which characters in the franchise could be read as aspec, I have critiqued the conflation between apparent aspec identities and brokenness that happens so often in mainstream media, and I have longed for a canonically aspec character in the stories I love. To me, however, this new declaration about Lucanis does not feel like a victory.

It feels convenient.

Mary Kirby tweeted six months ago that she specifically wrote Lucanis to be a disaster bisexual, not panromantic demisexual. In the real world, of course, people can discover new things about themselves and change their labels, and it’s fine. The problem is that Lucanis is not a people, he is a character with a static set of responses to a limited set of inputs from the player. In other words, he is what he is. That this change in Word of God about his sexuality comes directly on the heels of the very poorly received AMA from the devs is something I don’t view as a coincidence.

To be clear, this isn’t an attack on Mary Kirby, nor is it a tantrum about not getting a sexy Zevran 2.0. I am ace – I love slow burn emotional depth before physical intimacy, and I was drawn to Lucanis because of his struggles with alienation and the softer playfulness that’s there to see if you look for it. (And the voice, and the wings, but that’s not relevant here.) However, there is something severely lacking in the connective tissue of his romance. For the first two thirds of the game he is unresponsive to flirting to the point where the game feels like it’s bugged. Multiple people have pointed out that it’s almost impossible to tell when the romance is locked in without looking at the companion screen – I myself only realised when took him to Rivain with Taash and they started talking about him popping out the wings. The idea that this woodenness was a deliberate choice does a disservice to everyone who has pointed out a valid critique of the content – mechanically, rather than narratively – of the romance.

It is also immediately contradicted if you don’t romance Lucanis. Because instead he gets together with Neve in a relationship that not only lacks the emotional closeness that is required for Rook to lock in a romance, but also gets physical far more quickly, which is the exact opposite of how demisexuality works. For Rook, romancing Lucanis requires repeated declarations of support and care, and he will only fully reciprocate once they have battled through his inner demons to encourage him to start healing from his trauma. Even after that there is no physical touch between them until after Rook is pulled from the Fade prison. Neve, meanwhile, is one of the locks on his cage, but creates a ‘hats off’ rule for Spite. It's like watching Aveline run around finding marigolds for Donnic all over again. Not to say that all ace experiences are the same, but if someone described these two relationships to me, I would assume only one of them involved a demisexual character.

Truthfully, however, this isn’t really about the evidence for whether Lucanis is or is not demi. You could argue that back and forth all day because interpretation goes both ways. For example, he says he’s inexperienced in relationships, but then he’s arguably more competent than the other companions who ask you for romantic help, more lacking in confidence than skill – and analysis of that is a whole other post. But it’s not useful. There isn’t one way to be aspec, and I’m certainly not saying he can’t be read that way.

What this is about is the way representation feels like it has been retconned in as a response to the genuine critiques brought up in the AMA and elsewhere. Excusing the gaps in his romance by saying it’s because he’s demisexual feels like a cheap attempt to divert attention away from weak character writing. Perhaps I’m just being cynical, but after all the dodged questions and misrepresentations from the devs in almost every aspect of this game, if Lucanis had been planned as aspec from the beginning then the TRANS WOMEN ARE WOMEN game would have made a huge thing of it. I know this, because they did it already, they stated all the companions were pan (except for Lucanis who was bi).

And I don’t know what’s worse: it not being planned and only trotted out as a smokescreen to avoid engaging with the flaws in the writing; or it being there from the beginning without any care for how it might look to have the ostensibly aspec character be a literal abomination whose interpersonal issues stem from being imprisoned and tortured. Again.

A good slow burn would have addressed Lucanis’ relationship to attraction, though hopefully with more nuance than Taash was allowed. A good slow burn would have not made one character exchangeable for another in a romance regardless of the personal journey Lucanis can only take with one of them. A good slow burn would have at least had him reacting to the things the PC says to him. But this is not a good slow burn and the devs are using a token attempt at queer rep to cover for whatever went on behind the scenes to give us such a patchy final product.

[candyredmusings]

Slay The Princess Sentence Starters

Sentences taken from Slay The Princess: The Pristine Cut by Blacktabby Games! Change Pronouns As Needed!

CW: Angst, Fluff, Comedic, Romantic

"Now we can both enjoy the mutual romantic subtext to this murder!"

"Yeah do you not know what The Look is? Even I know what The Look is."

"Do you think we can throw her out the window?"

"Hey you threw it out the window even though I just told you not to, I'm proud of you!" 

“WHY DO YOU HATE ME?” 

“What do you mean? This is what you wanted. Idiot.” 

"We ain't done yet, we get up."

"She asks that I tell you to remember her. You won't." 

"BEHOLD! The PERFECT woman!"

“I didn’t think you’d come back. We’re going to have a lot of fun, you and I!” 

“He’s making fun of us!”

“If only I were capable of throwing myself off a bridge.”

"Do I miss your heart because I can’t stand to see it go?"

“I will not be described into submission.” 

"By believing in your limitations you put a shackle on your neck."

"The number of stabbing implements I have is practically zero!"

"The world can't be bad if you're still in it."

"There are few things more terrifying than one's own heart, and there is almost nothing more terrifying than sharing it with another."

" ...do you not have anything witty to say? I could use a good bit of wit right now."

"The End. Nice knowing you."

"You're using a lot of words to say a lot of nothing."

"But violence and passion are dances that both of us know well."

"No. You stop that! Stop all this nonsense."

"If you want us to ignore her, then why did you tell us any of that 'wide pleadin eyes begging for mercy' business to begin with?"

"Whatever you're trying to do right now, you don't have to do it alone."

"You have no idea how good it is to hear you."

"I think you know who I am."

"HA! YOU BASTARD! Even face-to-face, you find a way to stab me in the back."

"I know you and you're hideous! Absolutely wretched! Just like me!"

"You ask of things that cannot be done."

"Why wouldn't I be kind to you? You are the only thing I know that isn't me."

"Fuck this guy. Don't trust him."

"You will have your rest in due time, and I am sorry for the burdens I place on you."

"I would never dare to tarnish our relationship by assuming myself above you."

"Names are their attempts to capture that which cannot be captured."

"Sweet! I've always wanted to off a monarch. Viva la revolucion!" 

"Oh, you bastard! You're in for it now. I'm wise to your tricks!"

“My will triumphs yours."

"We've hurt each other plenty, and I still like you."

"What nooo I wouldn't stab you."

"Why? Why did you let me do this?!"

"It takes a wretch to know a wretch, and we're all at the bottom of the barrel here."

"They're good questions. Great questions, even. But they don't have any answers."

“Do not mourn her; She has finally been heard.”

"Last time? If somebody came into my house and tried to kill me and I cut his neck open and then he stabbed me in the heart and we both died looking into each other's eyes, well, surely I would remember that! But I don't, so it must not have happened!"

"I just want to make you happy!"

"You've been kinder to me than anyone else I've met. Thank you."

“I’m not going to destroy the world, but I am going to hold it in my hands and squeeze it.”

"Oh that's right! Yeah, fuck this guy, don't trust him."

"If the world ended, how are we talking?"

"I'm going to die now! I think that's what you want."

"You've changed"

"And you've stayed exactly the same"

"I'll be damned. We're doomed."

 For everyone's sake, you're not in love."

 "They always say it's lonely at the top. I didn’t think they actually meant it."

“Ignore all the criticism. You’re doing great!” 

"She's been like me this whole time. She's just been hiding it."

 "Of course I'm not okay! I've never been okay. But maybe I needed to never be okay for us to make this happen"

[ironunderstands]

Topaz appreciation post because she’s been rotating around my brain like a rotisserie chicken and I need y’all to get her like I do 

Genuinely, I believe her to be the most underrated limited 5 star in the game everything wise, because she is so damn interesting and nobody talks about it ever and it drives me nuts.

So, I’m going to make you understand why exactly I love her and what makes her so amazing in the first place.

Her lore 

Topaz’s lore is rather simple, at least compared to other characters in the game, but simple ≠ bad and her story serves her perfectly.

Long before Topaz was Topaz, she was a girl named Jelena, living in a desolate planet at the edge of the galaxy. The economy of this planet was based around mining and industry, which resulted in her home becoming more and more polluted as time went on. The wildlife almost completely disappeared, people had to wear masks to breathe, and it seemed like her planet was reaching a hopeless, dismal end.

Until the IPC came. They promised to fix everything, and heal her planet of its environment problems, in exchange for every person on the planet signing a contract of indentured servitude to the IPC. Seeing no other way out, Topaz’s home accepted, forever tying her and the rest of the planet to the IPC.

Topaz is was (and still is) incredibly talented and competent, excelling in science, economics, finances, math, etc. Her exceptional talents caused her mentor  and parental figure Dvorski, who works in the Strategic Investment Department to recommend her to Jade, one of his superiors. Presumably, this is how she started her climb up the corporate latter, eventually becoming the Topaz we know and love today. 

Throughout this, she maintained her friendly and headstrong attitude, and never abandoned her love for animals or the people in her life like Dvorski, a trait which will be important for later. 

So, I’ve established the basics, so what makes this interesting?

Topaz’s trauma and how it affects her character 

I feel like a lot of people ignore just how much trauma she really has, and how it affects the way she behaves in the present.

For starters, her love of animals. Sure, Numby is adorable and in general this is a rather fun trait for a character to have, it’s not something you would consider to be a sign of something darker. 

However, remember that Topaz’s planet almost lost all of the life on it, and she witnessed firsthand almost every creature she knew and loved either go extinct or become severely endangered. 

So, when you view her love for animals through this lense, it’s easy to see that she’s so attached to animals because Topaz almost lost them forever, and this trait manifests in a lot of the behavior she exhibits.

According to Topaz herself, her efficiency goes up 27% when Numby is with her, and it seems to be blatantly obvious that being around animals give her at the very least a peace of mind/sense of comfort. I mean in game she is Topaz and Numby for a reason, and her relationship with them is a core part of the way she behaves. When Topaz can’t ground herself, she has Numby to help her with that, which hurts even more considering she is likely going on these missions alone 90% of the time, meaning her literal only friend is a pet/animal. 

Considering Topaz’s biological parents never get mentioned, it’s not hard to assume she is orphaned or at the very least estranged from them, likely due to the disaster on her planet, leaving her only loved ones to be her pets and Dvorski. Losing one half of the only support system she has would be devastating for Topaz, which is likely why she brings Numby everywhere (also considering I don’t think she has mentioned him in the present, her pets might literally be the only things she has left). 

In her own home, Topaz collects a myriad of species from across the galaxy, as if to preserve them so at least even if they disappear on their home planets like hers did, they won’t go extinct entirely. 

Personally, I think her fixation around them cooperating and coexisting also reflects on how she feels about other people. If animals from completely different planets can get along, so can people. If she can convince creatures lacking in intellect work together, then she can do the same for ones that possess it, as ultimately Topaz is a massive people person, and believes what she’s doing is best for the galaxy. 

It’s almost like an experiment, with every little change to their ecosystems, every new organism added, every new abiotic feature taken or removed, Topaz can simulate what that might be like in reality. In a way she wants to take care of humans  like she does her pets, however instead of doing it through her own means, she uses the IPC and her power as a Stoneheart as a vector for that.

But why is she so confident? What makes Topaz wholeheartedly believe that what she’s doing really is the best for the galaxy, even if we know it isn’t perfect, even if only ~80% of the planets she works on are “saved”?

Well, like always, it’s her trauma again.

Imagine you’re living on a planet slowly dying due to its people’s greed and ignorance, in which everything you know and love is falling apart, and absolutely nothing can be done about it. But you don’t need to imagine this, I mean this is a situation we are all going through, as it’s already what’s happening to our planet right now, so perhaps instead picture what it might be like to live here in a few decades if nothing changes. How miserable that would be, how upset you would be at those in power, how disappointed you would be in humanity for doing Nothing when we had so much time and already knew the consequences almost a century in advance (seriously we have known about climate change since like the 50s). 

So you give up hope and accept your fate, accept that everything is going down in flames and the humanity, the planet you know and love is going to be snuffed out forever.

Only to get saved when an outside influence comes to your assistance. Sure, they make everyone sign a contract binding their lives to them, but you wouldn’t have a life to give had they not helped. Besides, you owe it to every other thing that shares your planet with you, every plant, every animal, every organism has been utterly wiped out by human greed, so it’s only fair to pay them back, right? 

I mean it’s your whole world at stake, so how could you say no? How could you deem their terms unreasonable if clearly your own people didn’t deserve the responsibility they had over their own lives? If their situations could only be fixed by giving it to others who could guide them? By giving it to the IPC? The Preservation ?

This is the mindset Topaz grew up on and has known for her entire life. She has seen humanity utterly fail itself and is unwilling to allow that fate to befall others. She doesn’t trust other people to make the right decisions, she doesn’t think they know what’s best for them, because the people she was closest to, her very own people couldn’t do that, so how could she ever expect strangers to do the same? 

How could she ever give the leaders of these planets the benefit of the doubt, knowing that doing that for her own almost caused it to be wiped out completely? How could she see them as anything more than the selfish bastards who ruined everything? How could her heart not ache thinking there were people on the planets she helps who would be doomed to experience the fate that almost fell upon her had Topaz not stepped in. 

How could Topaz feel guilty over the planets that don’t succeed? The ones she can’t save? As after all, she thinks they were lost from the get go? Does it eat her up at night knowing she failed them? That she couldn’t prevent the folly of humanity this time, so the next planet she must work harder, be more stubborn, push back even more, so nobody ever experiences what she did instead?

I mean being an indentured servant hasn’t been that bad for her, she’s succeeded in every endeavor she’s set her mind to after all. Sure, she’s entirely alone, and sure, if the IPC no longer deems her or her people useful, they could cast them aside once again. 

But Topaz is smart, she climbed to the top of the latter, she’s been praised to hell and back, she’s known far and wide through the department for her efficiency and drive, surely she hasn’t done anything wrong?

Sure she’s heard whispers, rumors and projects of other departments, of the deep dark secrets of the company she owes her life too. Inwardly she wonders how those who follow the Preservation would even be willing to commit such atrocities, inwardly she hopes they are just rumors. The IPC saved her planet, so how could they destroy others? 

The Preservation’s power will protect all, will save them from their miserable existences. Nothing else matters in the process, no dissenter understands this as like Topaz does. She will save them, she will protect them, even if it means she is detested by everyone she encounters, it must be done. All for the Amber Lord.

I find it very compelling how despite the fact that Topaz has become a Stoneheart, she is still dressed in the fashion of an average IPC worker. As if she is an equal part of the puzzle as them. Equally useful, equally disposable, equally biased, equally ignorant, and equally foolish. 

I mean, how could she be anyway else?

Her future

Belabog was just as important for Topaz’s development as she was to it.

She was wrong. 

As stubborn as Topaz is, she is not arrogant, and when Bronya proved to her that the people of Belabog can and would fight for their future, Topaz did everything in her power to help them.

As that’s what she really cares about, people. 

I think Topaz the determination she has in Bronya and it shook her to her core. 

Because so far, the only way Topaz has seen real progress is from the hands of the IPC.

But Bronya doesn’t give into them, and she puts everything she has into saving her people. Moreover, Jarilo-VI follows the Preservation as well, but they don’t agree with the IPC’s method of it. 

Is the IPC wrong?

That is the question Topaz is faced with, what is the thing she has to grapple with once she leaves the planet. When they demote her for not getting the debt back immediately, does Topaz wonder why they were so concerned about that in the first place? Shouldn’t they be happy that a world blessed by their very own deity managed to pick itself up without their help? Isn’t that the point?

Does she think back to her previous projects, the planets she saved and the planets she failed, and wonder how it would have worked out without the IPCs involvement? 

Did Aventurine teasing her about “failing” the Jarilo-VI project confuse her, because they were still saved like Topaz wanted them to be in the first place? How could they ever be considered a failure?

She believes debts and payback are what holds planets together, but it only ever seemed to cause Belabog to fall apart.

This is the first time Topaz really is forced to reevaluate her priorities, to question if her methods are justifiable, if she’s really doing the right thing.

Belabog didn’t break her, it didn’t topple her worldview and turn everything on its head, but it did plant some seeds of doubt in her brain, seeds of doubt that will grow into a new mindset. 

HOYOVERSE IF YOU ARE LISTENING HOYOVERSE, GIVE HER THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN + PRIORITY REEVALUATION ARC SHE DESERVES!!! DO THAT AND MY LIFE IS YOURS PLEASE.

Like you don’t get it you don’t get it what do you mean they set all this up and they might not go anywhere with it. Please hoyo please please please let her break away from the IPC’s condition and warped perspective, please let her truly follow the Preservation, please make her turn away from them, please make her an emanator of Preservation after she does this. Topaz stoneheart form, Topaz emanator form. Please please please let her save the crew let her save her subordinates let her save the people she failed previously let her save Aventurine and Ratio let her save Numby let her save herself.

Her instability 

I have already somewhat touched on this in point #3, but Topaz just cannot exist in the state she is now permanently.

Like a radioactive element she’s going to slowly decay over time until she ends up in a more stable form, and who that will hurt in the process, and how long that will take, we will have to see.

Hypocrisy is not something that can exist for long within characters, as due to its inherent contradictions, it messes with the way they are characterized until they are eventually forced to either eliminate it themselves or have the story do it for them.

Topaz is a hypocrite, desiring to do good and help people, but she ends up hurting them in the process. 

However, she has only just begun to realize this, and as more and more of the IPC’s atrocities get revealed, it gets harder and harder for both the audience and her herself to justify her behavior as we witness the extent of their crimes.

So how has she remained this stable for so long?

Well, the IPC has done everything in their power to keep her that way. From a young age she was involved with them, as they not only saved her planet, but her only known parental figure worked in the Strategic Investment Department. Soon, he recommended her to Jade due to Topaz’s exceptional talent, and presumably the other Stoneheart quickly picked her up and took her under her wing, causing Jelena to rise fast within the ranks and become one herself.

The IPC has been Topaz’s only frame of reference for how things should be done, her only perspective on write and wrong for so long. The only hints she gets of other points of view are that of the people who destroyed her planet, her own people. Unintentional or not, Topaz has been made to feel her whole life like the IPC are heroes and the common people are foolish and greedy and evil, and only now has that worldview started to crumble piece by piece.

Sure, we have always known how terrible the IPC was, a perception that has only gotten more and more true over time. However, Topaz is not the audience, and in universe the IPC presents themselves in a very positive light.

Think of the Myriad Celestia trailer and how it portrays the IPC; that’s quite literally how they want to be viewed in game, how they market themselves to other people. If Topaz has only ever known them to be that great, shining, progressive company who vows to follow the Preservation and improve the universe, how could even begin to criticize them? After all, she had never known any other perspective. Even when she did fail in the past, Topaz viewed it as a strike on her own record and an unfortunate situation in general, not as a demonstration of the IPC’s misdeeds. 

The IPC is good, the IPC saves people, the IPC follows the Preservation, Topaz is a good person, Topaz does good things, Topaz helps people, Topaz saves people, there is nothing wrong, there won’t ever be anything wrong.

Until Belabog

They don’t want to cooperate with the IPC. To roll over and let themselves be gutted for all they are worth. 

Well that’s fine, that’s happened before, at least that’s how Topaz justifies it to herself. She thinks of their massive debt, it must be paid after all, otherwise how could the galaxy remain stable?

But the weapons the IPC gave Jarilo-VI were never used in its defense. The thing they owe the IPC for never ended up being valuable. Belabog stood on its own, without the help of IPC in its defense.

They saved themselves.

As if it couldn’t get worse, they did it with the power of the Preservation.

And it didn’t come from the IPC, it came from them.

The Interastral Peace Corporation, who claim to be followers of the Preservation, standing against people who really do have their blessing and being proved wrong.

Do you know how that would feel to Topaz.

She’s wrong, and she’s proven wrong by the very deity she claims to follow, she believes she follows.

So Topaz makes her choice.

Stick with the IPC’s plan, or stand with the people of Belabog 

And she stands with them.

Topaz’s character never changes. I hate when people act like she switched up on them and changed her whole worldview, but in reality that was the most in character thing Topaz has ever done in her entire life.

Because she cares about people, so when the opportunity presents itself, she will always stand with them. 

This is the first time Topaz goes against the IPC’s wishes, and it won’t be the last.

She made her choice, she demonstrated who and what she truly cares about, and that will only drive a wedge between her and the IPC further and further until she snaps.

I find it funny how Topaz is a fire type character, when the song core to Belabog’s themes is “Wildfire” 

However, maybe it isn’t just about them. I think it’s about the Preservation, about what the game in general is trying to tell its players.

How fighting for your right to exist will hurt, but it is not impossible, and that pain will be the only way to enact change.

Well, Topaz,

you made your choice

go fight against your fate 

Thank you so much for reading! I really enjoyed making this and I hope you at least understand why I think Topaz is such a compelling character. I need an arc centered on her in the future and if I don’t get one then trust me things will be dealt with. She will get her just desserts.

[doublel27]

We Are: Queer Found Family and Romance

Or the meta I didn’t intend to write.

It’s taken 9 eps (of me admittedly watching We Are through gifs and clips on Twitter, because I have yet to pay for iQIYI and I am bad at grey watching) but I think I have figured out the central conflict/plot of We Are and why the mostly linear narrative of Phum and Peem with the in media res relationships of our other three pairings made this impossible to fully tease out until we got all the pieces.

The through line that connects all of these stories about how incredibly hard it can be to be part of a queer friend group when the lines of friendship and romance blur, especially when there’s a real aspect of found family to that group.

Two things really cemented it for me this week: Tan telling the gang (and therefore the audience) the full scope of his background with Fang, as well as the beginning of Phuwin’s IG live where he talks about why he likes Kluen as a character is that he’s very direct with people he likes and isn’t blurring the lines between friends and possibly fucking up the friendship.

Because that’s the central problem that all four main couples of the show grapple with in different ways. I’m gonna get into all of that under the cut.

I’m going to start with Tan and Fang because aou contains multitudes and is my beloved while going for Fang could have always messed up his relationship with Phum, we find out in episode 9 that Tan met Fang first. Unsurprisingly, it’s not a great first meeting between what are seemingly two known fighters of what appear to be rival high schools. But then Tan finds Phum and Fang being jumped by a group from his own high school and saves them and eventually becomes friends with them sometime two years+ before the start of our story. Within this time, Tan falls so far in love with Fang, who can both out bitch and out fight, him that Tan goes full simp instead and cuts out the fighting(love that for him).

And mixing his reveal to his friends of how he met Fang and how Fang eventually consumed his waking thoughts to the point he would wish to order Fang as a pizza topping (my love for Tan is immeasurable).

But take us back to episode 2 (which is now on YouTube for US watchers for how long I don’t know) and Tan has clearly not seen Fang in awhile. He asks Phum to invite Fang out where Tan will happen to be. At the time, it was taken as Tan and Phum are university friends and Tan and been obsessed with Fang ever since and needs Phum to make the connections. But the clues that Tan and Fang were also close were already laid down. Their exchange goes:

Tan: Hey. It’s been awhile. Right?

Fang: I thought you were dead.

Tan: Come on. I haven’t seen you in ages either. (That’s the English translation, but the flow of the conversation connotes that Fang hasn’t sought him out either)

At which point Phum makes the face he always makes when Tan is in Fang hyperfocus mode of looking away and sighing. And Fang pointedly asks why Phum invited him out and what is going on.

Which is a weird exchange when you think Tan is Phum’s friend who is obsessed with Fang. It is a less weird exchange between friends that have been avoiding each other for an unspecified amount of time. And we can assume Tan started avoiding Fang because he was madly in love with him and didn’t know how to handle it and didn’t tell Fang why he was avoiding him.

In the episode 9 speech to his friends, Tan outlines that he didn’t think Fang would ever reciprocate his feelings (that it was impossible) and didn’t want to fuck with the friendship (at which point Pun sends a longing look to Chain but we’ll get back to that later) with Fang and Phum and he buried it. Until he couldn’t live with it any longer and decided to do something about it.

Which with the limited information we have, his feelings were already fucking with his friendship. He already didn’t know how to approach Fang because of his feelings at the start of the show, so is it better to not try and hope the romantic feeling dies while avoiding your friend or shoot your shot and maybe get a boyfriend out of it or maybe continue to fuck up your friendship. Tan chooses to roll the dice and it’s clear from the moment they leave the bar in episode two that Fang likes him back.

They both watch each other when they think the other isn’t looking. Fang is the one who sends Phum and Peem home together and sets himself up with a taxi ride with Tan. It’s particularly interesting to me after episode 9, this exchange, because Fang looks at a passed out Peem, mouths Peem? And proceeds to ask Phum if this is the guy that hit him while Tan snickers and Peem looks like the saddest wet cat. It’s only after the affirmative from Phum that Fang is essentially like “well, you can take him home Phum. Take home your drunk friend who hit you and I will go home with Tan.” Which our besotted Tan jumps at.

And considering the parallel between Tan and Fang meeting and Tan immediately sassing him and Fang throwing a punch leading to a fight, and Phum ruining Peem’s painting which led to mutual sassing and a kick to the nuts and a fight…I don’t know if Fang is a mastermind and connected the dots because these brothers need someone who will occasionally not be afraid talk back if need be and sees the potential for Phum to care as much about Peem as Fang does for Tan. Or if he just wants time alone with Tan and doesn’t see it. Look, I wouldn’t be surprised if Fang is secretly a long game mastermind.

Once they’re alone, Tan and Fang steal glances and flirt in the way that Tan makes very loud attempts at flirting and

Additionally, Fang is reserved like Phum, and seemingly as isolated as his only friends seem to be Phum’s friends. We don’t know if he is just not paying attention to other members of the architecture faculty or knows stuff about Kluen he won’t share. As previous parts of this narrative are folded in later episodes, we may find out. What we do know is he’s either ever only appeared alone or in connection to Tan and Phum and Phum’s friends. Even with the flashbacks, Tan points out that the head of the Fang, head of cheer club, approaches him alone and later it’s just Fang and Phum when Tan finds the group of guys jumping them. We know he and Phum adopt Toey who is bullied in high school. It makes sense why he’s potentially reserved about pushing things with Tan if Tan becomes his first real high school+ friend that he has outside of his brother.

Which is why by the time we get to episode 5, Fang says yes before Tan finishes talking. He’s been waiting but also wasn’t willing to be the first to put himself out there. And considering how much Fang and Phum seem to live in their heads and not in the world with everyone else, I can see why he needed Tan to be the one to commit to it first, especially with Fang’s later comments about not understanding why hanging out with him is a preference of Tan’s. I do hope we cross his “don’t tell tan how gone I am on him” bridge later in the narrative. Cause I think Tan knows, but also it’s nice to hear.

Let’s go back to another long-suffering pair where only one half really knew why they were suffering, and the other got a nasty shock, QToey.

I know the guys are all team if Toey loves Q and Q loves Toey then why is Q so hesitant? And I get it, but let’s talk about the double shock Q suffered and the potential layers of risk Q is facing.

It’s not just that Q is cautious with his heart. That is a factual truth. It’s why he ghosted Milk Frappe Boy, because while he fell in love with Milk Frappe Boy I think there was a deep worry, and a self esteem issue that the reality of Q, instead of Pencil Senior, would not be enough for Milk Frappe boy. So Q bolted and then deeply regretted said bolting enough say so to both Toey, not knowing the truth, and to Peem.

But the fact that he learned that Toey was indeed Milk Frappe boy at the same time he learned all of his best friends, his family for all intents and purposes, also knew and no one told him. And the way the confrontation is staged between Q and Toey, it is Q against Toey and everyone else is behind Toey.

And that, friends, that’s the real third rail for Q.

It’s one thing to know that he loved Milk Frappe Boy and that he loves Toey. And that is scary enough. The fandom loves to joke about how Toey is everyone’s little brother and they’ve all adopted him: and that is a correct assessment. But that means if Q fucks it up with Toey, he stands a chance in his mind of everyone else choosing Toey over him.

That fear doesn’t even feel that unfounded when everyone calmed Toey down mostly before Peem, Q’s true bestest friend, came out to be with him. Like Peem caught Toey before going after Q. The next episode nearly every character but Q (aside from Fai who is at all connected to this group) shows up to plan how to support Toey in getting Q.

And while I know my brain cell-less brain trust fully believe they’re helping Q, no one actually seems to ask what Q wants. Aside from Peem trying to get him to come to some that first night on the curb, no one ever asks. And that night all Q wants is to sleep in a pile with his four best friends, because that’s his family. Losing them is even scarier than losing Toey. In essence he’s lost Milk Frappe Boy once. He could do it again. But if they chose Toey…IDK.

We don’t know anything about their families really, aside from Peem’s lovely aunt and the fact that Phum doesn’t get along with his dad. And I get why when the focus is really on these large groups of found families (that are becoming one large found family) that the audience is really in love with. The bonds between the friends are just as much a part of the romance as the actual romances. Because the friendship is where the complications come from.

And while I can’t speak to mlm spaces, as I have never identified as a man, within queer wlw and non-binary spaces there are jokes about dating yourself out of friend groups. There are people you used to know who you don’t anymore because you dated someone in the friend group and were too new and got bounced. Or you date and the way it ends make everyone choose one side. Or, a person in the friend group has a crush on another person in said group, that is an open secret but when the person who was crushed upon gets a new relationship people get mad at them for not dating the person in the friend group who liked them all along because didn’t everyone know. (None of these are from personal experience I assure you 🙃)

And it doesn’t always happen like that. Sometimes the people figure out a friendship or a queer platonic solution when they’re not attracted to each other anymore. Sometimes they orbit around the friend group like two comets on opposite trajectories, occasionally crossing in awkward moments. Sometimes everyone gets past the weird. Sometimes no one does.

But that’s the risk that we’re playing in this show. I can choose the romance, but if it doesn’t work out, I am gambling this safe zone.

Which is gonna bring me to our last two pieces of this: one has had the most development and one the least but both are struggling.

I’m gonna start with Chain and Pun who are the most unhinged, gay yearning codependent besties that exist in the middle of the week and give Potae and Payos on Only Boo a real run for their money. (Both have lips touching earlobes and I don’t have a platonic answer for either) The thing is, I think both Chain and Pun are very aware of the mutual feelings. They both have moments where you know they’re aware but neither will do anything about it. And they are in the case of the story, the most embedded in one single friend group, and have the potential to explode their core group of five if things go sideways.

Now, they’re also the pair that has been effectively dating this entire time without actually dating. The ear biting and the blowing on things in the other’s mouth and the…I don’t have platonic explanations for their behavior okay? I don’t. Not naming it keeps it from being real though. It’s a collective hallucination or the biggest game of chicken.

Eventually, though, one of them is going to cross the line in a way that can’t be erased or the line redrawn. And it’s gonna have to be big because their friends watched them gaze longingly into each other's eyes for 20+ seconds and thought it was normal. Because this is how they are.

And that brings us to not quite friends not quite lovers and not quite enemies, Phum and Peem. The risk is, as discussed in many other metas, mostly on Phum’s side here and it’s why he spent the episode so hesitant. Yes he started off particularly entitled and rude. His and Peem’s relationship started as a fight (but so did Tan and Fang) and Phum feels incredibly comfortable with Peem. He’s definitely neurodivergent coded my Phum, which doesn’t make his assholery okay, but it explains his hesitancy to try new things and his struggle with making friends and expressing his feelings.

He’s got friends but he doesn’t feel particularly deeply connected to them. Yes, Beer makes time for him and actively seeks him out to give advice. He and Fang have a level of sibling codependency that hints at neglect and Fang protecting Phum at all costs. We see Tan approach Phum most of the time and while some of that is angling to get to Fang, Tan does genuinely care. But Tan is also incredibly loud which seems to be a lot for our neurospicy Phum, and Tan also has his large found family with Peem. Same with Toey, who Phum and Fang adopted long ago, and clearly Phum adores him, but he’s also the little brother of the art faculty.

And Peem is a very loving and giving soul and he makes time and space for Phum even though he’s annoying and high handed and gets Phum out of his ruts and comfort zones. And Phum clearly wants Peem to choose him, because Phum has already chosen even if he hasn’t said “I like you and want to date you.” He’s said other very direct things about how safe he feels with Peem and how connected he feels to other people by hanging out with Peem. And Peem is this safe space for him to go out and connect with the world without it being overwhelming and he even feels more connected to his own friends.

And that’s the danger that Kluen represents and what Phum struggles with. He wants Peem to choose him, but he also doesn’t want to force Peem to make a choice and not choose him, and then lose out on the experiences he’s building with Peem as well as a break in some of the connections he has with the people closest to him as Fang and Toey find love within Peem’s group. And so again, the question comes around, is it better to stay in this limbo where no one says anything and maybe Peem dates Kluen but I get to keep him as a friend, or do I roll the dice like Tan and maybe win.

I think it’s been a hard thread to pull because without the context of Tan & Fang meeting first, and Phum and Peem mending their relationship to become something akin to friends who kiss sometimes and don’t talk about it, and the lingering feelings of betrayal for Q by his friends (where they learned about his largest secret/mystery and NO ONE TOLD HIM) which are later revelations in the course of the show, they feel like different types of love stories without the mess of friendship blurring the lines. The story feels linear, because we start in a school year with the meeting of Phum and Peem, the connections between the other characters are older than this year, leaving some of their stories in media res.

And it’s an interesting core struggle taking a risk when the line between who you’re friends with, who you depend on, and who you’re attracted to blurs and the potential for rifts in your safety net are everywhere. It’s not the first show with this as a central tangle nor is it specific to queer television. But the reality of the deep ties that can exist within queer friendships and how they form deep supportive communities makes the stakes higher. And that’s why the friendships are developed nearly as much if not more than some of the romances. That’s where a lot of the risk lies for these characters.

Anyway, that’s nearly 3K of thoughts I didn’t know I had in me about We Are until today. But here we are.

[williamrikers]

On the subject of consent in recent BLs

In this analysis, I will take a look at several love scenes in recent Thai BLs, how they frame consent and the sexual agency of the characters, and why those matter.

(KinnPorsche deserves its own post: I’m sure people have already written in detail about how much emphasis is placed on issues of consent/non-consent throughout the show and how fundamental consent is to the relationship arcs of both KinnPorsche and VegasPete, and I won’t belabor the point here. Also, special shout-out to The Warp Effect for what it brought to the conversation about gay sex, but TWE isn’t technically a BL so I decided not to include it in this analysis.)

I am going to take a closer look at the following shows in this essay: Not Me, The Eclipse, A Boss And A Babe, Step By Step, and La Pluie.

Not Me and The Eclipse predate the other shows by two years/one year respectively, but I feel it is valuable to include them here because both show very explicit negotiations of consent that I feel are spiritual successors to the wonderful scenes we’ve been getting in the other three shows.

Why am I even writing this? There used to be an unfortunate tendency in the genre to have a power imbalance between the “seme” and the “uke” character, which translated into the seme deciding when to have sex and what kind of sex to have—and even though recently, several shows have done good work in dismantling the seme/uke dynamic and questioning the associated stereotypes, it cannot be denied that the archetypes are still an important part of most BLs, and even in cases where the tropes are played with and questioned, understanding those subversions still requires a knowledge of and familiarity with the original tropes on the part of the audience.

However, gone are the days of Until We Meet Again and Dean’s “I’ve waited long enough, make sure you’re ready.” (I enjoyed UWMA a lot but that was. Yeah. Not Great.) Now, we see characters actually talking about and negotiating their limits, and doing what feels good to them.

Let’s start from the very beginning. Not Me was an absolute trailblazer in this regard, and not mentioning it here would be a gross oversight. The first time Sean and White have sex, it happens in their version of the beach episode. (Which, in Not Me, is the two characters briefly living in a tent inside an abandoned building. This show is the best.) Sean and White are removed from their usual environment and protected from the outside world by two barriers: the walls of the old house and the tent that’s literally enveloping them and giving them a space that is unequivocally theirs, shared, in which neither one of the characters has any sort of power over the other. And what happens in that space when they’re about to have sex is extremely interesting: the first thing Sean asks is whether White is afraid of him, which White denies. The following exchange goes like this: White: "So, what are we doing?" Sean: "What should I do to you?" White: "That’s up to you." (Watch the whole scene here.)

I find this exchange incredibly meaningful because this already turns the seme/uke dynamic that can be found in a lot of other shows on its head. OffGun as a branded pair can easily be stereotyped into the seme/uke dynamic just because of their physical appearances, and clearly spelling out that both characters have agency in this scene is incredibly important.

And then it gets better! Sean assumes that White is sexually inexperienced (which is not true but the fact that White was actually in a relationship with a woman back in Russia never comes up again after the pilot episode, so maybe the show expects us to assume this, too), and suggests they try different things and White can tell him what he likes and doesn’t like. Compared to the stuff we’re getting now, this scene isn’t very high heat at all, but it’s one of my favorite intimate scenes ever because them asking each other “Do you like this?” after every kiss, every touch, is so incredibly unique and transports a wonderful sense of figuring out sexual pleasure together, as a couple.

Sex in Not Me is not something one character does to another, it is something that is discovered and shared together, and we even get an afterglow scene in which they gently tease each other about their fast beating hearts. (And don’t get me started on the importance of White choosing to ask Sean whether Sean is okay with White not being like Black in that moment right before they have sex, because he doesn’t actually want to have sex with Sean as Black! He wants to discover and share intimacy with Sean as White, as himself, not as his brother! The layers!)

Anyway, I think that scene paved the way for a lot of the conversations around consent we’re now getting in BL, just because it is so explicitly, unashamedly putting forward a definition of sexuality that has nothing to do with one character actively giving and the other passively receiving, but frames intimacy as something that is built together. (More on giving and receiving later!)

Now, moving on to The Eclipse. I decided to include the first time Akk and Aye have sex for a different reason: while we don’t really see them actually talking about consent, we see them practicing non-verbal consent. Let me explain. Akk’s and Aye’s whole thing is teasing each other. At first, Aye is usually the one doing the teasing, but Akk gets the hang of it towards the end of the show and teases his boyfriend right back. When they’re in Akk’s childhood bedroom together, Aye clearly alludes to the fact that he thought they might use this opportunity to have sex for the first time, which Akk pretends not to understand, all while alluding to it himself. I love this guy. (Watch the whole scene here.) Anyway, Akk says he wants to sleep, lies down and once again, tells Aye jokingly he just wants to sleep, clearly expecting Aye to do what other BL protagonists do at that point and not take no for an answer (sidenote: I HATE the “saying no as foreplay” trope with a passion and as far as I’m concerned it should die already).

However, Aye is not like other BL love interests, and he backs off. He stops touching Akk, lies down with his back to Akk, showing Akk that he takes him by his word: if Akk says he wants to sleep, Aye is going to let him do just that. So now, it’s on Akk to say that, no, that’s not what he meant, can Aye please come back to cuddle. And then Akk is the one to escalate from cuddling to kissing, which is extremely important: we know that Aye has been ready to have sex with Akk since forever, it’s Akk who’s been having hangups about intimacy this whole time.

They don’t put consent into so many words on this show, but Aye shows Akk that he respects his limits and that Akk only has to tell him he doesn’t want to do something and Aye will take him at his word.

So, these are, to me, two foundational scenes of establishing consent: one that shows consent as something that is established verbally, as an ongoing conversation, and one that shows consent as something that is established physically, by showing your partner that you respect their choices and limits by way of simply acting accordingly.

Now, let’s get into the fun part: scenes we got so far in 2023. I’m writing this post on the 13th of June, and I’m sure this year still has some great things in store for us, especially because Step By Step and La Pluie are both ongoing and neither of the main couples are actually together yet at time of writing. However, they’ve both already given us AMAZING scenes on the topic of consent, so I feel it is worthwhile to write about those already.

I want to start off by talking about A Boss And A Babe.

Let me just preface this by saying that the intimate scenes in ABAAB are some of my all time favorites in BL ever, because in them, sex is something that is just so normal. When Gun and Cher have sex, we don’t see them very passionate, excited, reluctant or wide-eyed innocent (which are some of the emotions traditionally associated with sex in BL). On the contrary, in every single scene that shows them being intimate, both characters are incredibly calm. They’re certainly happy to be with each other, but in a subdued way. Someone described their second intimate scene as them seeming like they’ve been married for a few years. They’re both just… incredibly normal about having sex with each other. It’s simply something they like to do together. It’s a part of their romance but it’s not more or less important than any other aspects of their lives.

And consent is at the very heart of it.

When Gun and Cher have their first time, we see Gun explicitly asking for consent two times: first, “Can I kiss you?”, then, “Can I do more?” The second one even comes with the promise that if Cher says no, Gun will immediately go to sleep without mentioning it again. And then it is on Cher to say yes, to pull Gun close and kiss him to show him that he is comfortable with taking things further. (In the show, these two questions were shown apart from each other, I cut together a version of the whole First Time Scene in its entirety, watch it here.)

Now, things get more interesting: the second intimate scene shows Cher initiating the encounter (watch the whole scene here). Cher pretty consistently falls into the uke category, both physically and as far as characterization is concerned, but he’s certainly not shy in the bedroom. And this time, he’s the one who asks for consent from Gun: Gun asks “You’re starting it?” and Cher’s response is “Can I?” Despite him being framed physically lower than Gun, basically at Gun’s mercy, he still seeks confirmation that Gun is okay with the way things are going. Not to overstate it, but to me, this feels revolutionary. Once again, we’re being shown that sex is something two people do together, as a shared activity, and that the “seme” character isn’t expected to just be up for it. He, too, has the right to say no.

On this show, sexual agency is taken extremely seriously, and it is clear that both Gun and Cher give each other space to decide what they’re comfortable doing. This is shown in non-intimate scenes as well: there are so many moments on ABAAB in which the characters negotiate physical touch and closeness, asking each other for hugs before actually hugging each other, Cher leaning on Gun’s shoulder in the car but not allowing Gun to touch him because that’s not what he’s comfortable with in that moment, and so on. (The only exception to this otherwise pretty consistent rule is the kiss in the car scene, which I’m still extremely confused about because it seems to go completely against Gun’s character. Who knows what happened there.)

Of course, the fact that so much emphasis is placed on negotiation and consent isn’t surprising on a show that has such obvious kink undertones and whose Our Skyy 2 entry basically consisted entirely of Dom/sub roleplay at work—I’m just saying, I think someone on the writing team is way into BDSM and knows all about the importance of enthusiastic consent from all parties involved, and I would like to send them flowers.

Step By Step hasn’t really reached the point where we can analyse the dynamic between the main couple (although we can take some educated guesses based on the interactions we’ve seen so far). However, last week’s episode had an extremely important scene between Pat and Put: Pat wanting to have sex with Put, then changing his mind mid make-out (watch the whole scene here). I really like the way this scene was done. No matter how shitty Put treats Pat at times, in this instance, he immediately understood and respected Pat’s change of mind without Pat even saying or explaining anything—at the end of the episode, Put says to Pat that Pat should tell Put when he feels ready to have sex. (We already know this will never happen because of course, Pat and Put are not endgame, but I do appreciate the sentiment.)

BLs rarely include a whole storyline in which the protagonist is in an actual, serious romantic relationship with someone other than his endgame love interest (hi Moonlight Chicken!), or if they do then just to up the angst factor. In this case, however, I feel that this scene raises our expectations for Jeng even further: if the guy who is definitely not a romantic match for Pat treats Pat with this much respect in the bedroom, then Jeng has to do at least that and then some. I do feel confident that Jeng won’t disappoint in this regard, but it’s fascinating to see a show frame this kind of respect as the absolute baseline minimum, with the endgame love interest expected to do even better.

Now, the one you’ve all been waiting for. The one that made me write this whole essay in the first place: La Pluie.

Oh boy. Where to start.

A week ago, we got an incredible make-out scene on Saengtai’s floor, which ended in Patts stopping the encounter because he could tell Tai wasn’t really comfortable taking things further—@bengiyo talked about that scene in detail here. And then, three days ago, La Pluie gave us the most unique, trope-defying, timeline-changing blowjob scene of all time, and I want to talk about it.

Tai and Patts are making out on their bed, Tai is not ready to go “all the way” and stops Patts from undressing him. We see a very realistic frustrated reaction from Patts, who nevertheless immediately stops and accepts Tai’s wishes—it is clear that Patts does not expect things to go any further at this point, and that he won’t pressure Tai into anything.

And then, Tai offers to blow him.

(Unfortunately, this show is only on iQiyi so I can't link to it, but you can get a good impression of the scene here.)

I mentioned the concepts of giving and receiving earlier: other people have said this more eloquently than me, but there is a tendency not only in BL but also in wider society to view sex in terms of giving and receiving, with a lot of expectations and stereotypes attached to the roles during different sexual acts. On other shows, that blowjob might be framed as a consolidation or an apology, something that the giver does out of a sense of obligation without enjoying it much. Not so on La Pluie! Tai is shown incredibly happy and satisfied afterwards, both when they’re sleeping next to each other, as well as on the morning after (see also @ginnymoonbeam's post about that here). Tai offered to blow Patts because he simply wanted to, not motivated by guilt or anything of that sort. And he genuinely enjoyed it! In the post I linked above, @bengiyo points out that La Pluie consistently centers queer desire, or more specifically in this case, male desire for a male body; much in the same way that the camera fucking loves Force’s body on ABAAB: the sensuality of the skin, the hands, the abs, the flat chests, the broad backs and shoulders of these men is explicitly emphasized, and Tai’s desire for a dick in his mouth is made absolutely crystal-clear. Of course, since this is a TV show and not a porno, we only see Patts’s thumb in Tai’s mouth instead of his dick, but the imagery, the implications, are clear as day.

And it is such a gentle framing, too: Patts caresses Tai’s lip lovingly, Tai opens his mouth slowly, seductively, then faces Patts’s crotch with a soft look on his face. We do get a clear sense of this encounter as tender, and gentle, and most of all, desired. Tai’s queer desire is at the heart of this scene, and at the heart of the afterglow scene as well. He wanted this man’s dick in his mouth, openly suggested it, showed Patts he was sure about his decision after Patts asked him whether he was, and ended up clearly happy and satisfied with the sex they had. This post, also by @bengiyo, goes into more detail on that.

This, once again, shows us sex as a conversation rather than a series of predetermined acts, shows us sex as a shared activity, as something that can be wonderful and intimate and make people happy without following what society views as “the correct steps”. I think this is extremely important because one part of queer identity is figuring out one’s own relationship to sexuality, one’s own desires and needs, and BLs that ignore this aspect fall a little short in my opinion. Sure, those men are kissing, but do they experience queer desire? Do they experience joy in their queer desire?

For me personally, a show that does not shy away from these questions is a lot more meaningful than a show that does, and consent is at the heart of it all. By framing sex as a conversation, as something that is built and shared together, the shows I looked at here are actively positioning themselves against the idea that there should be predetermined roles for partners during sex, and instead suggest that queer joy can be found in communication and consent. Understanding sex and intimacy as something that is built together, with both partners as equals in conversation, is just as radically queer as a man waking up with a smile on his face after giving his soulmate a blowjob the previous night.

And quite honestly, a male character who clearly, passionately, unquestioningly communicates that he wants a dick inside of him—that is incredibly sexy. But maybe that’s just me.

[sleepyytoken]

heard you wanna talk about sleep token lyrics??? do you have any thoughts on Sugar? i keep going back and forth on my own interpretation of it, and whether it's from Sleep's perspective or Vessel's. i originally thought of it as Sleep's (especially because it immediately follows Gods), singing about how delicious Vessel's suffering is to her. like "yes, i like how this one struggles, i think i'll keep him" type of thing. but then i wondered if it was actually from Vessel's perspective, singing about how he won't just wither silently, he's wanting to push back and take from this god in return. thoughts?

Okay first of all, I’m sorry it took me so long to get to this, I’ve been down and out with an infection. My bed has been my best friend and so has Sleep. eheh punny. Anyway. Dissection below the cut!!

So I was looking at Sugar, and Gods. Personally I think Gods comes before Sugar? Don’t quote me on that though. Before Gods is Give, and I listened to that too while I wrote on my little conspiracy board.

TLDR: Sugar is about obsessive love and the need to keep the object/person of their affection close through whatever means necessary.

I would also like to mention that I think the juxtaposition of the songs and how they sound is really interesting. Give is very soft, and sweet. Loving, pleading. Gods is angry. Yelling, screaming. Sugar sounds like .. coaxing and pleading, to me.

I think Give talks about how much Vessel gives to Sleep, and how he feels as if he's not getting enough in return in terms of a relationship. Vessel gives Sleep everything, and Vessel feels as if he's not getting what he wants in return. He says

"If you want to give me anything then give,

Give in again."

I'm assuming this talks about giving into him and Sleep's own desire for Vessel.

I also think it's really interesting how in Give, we see the line "I want to taste you better," and how that ties into Sugar with

"I've developed a taste for you."

So, to sum up Give, I think we're seeing Vessel beg for more from Sleep, and I think Sleep is refusing, which brings me to Gods.

Sleep refusing can be summed up in

"I see the gods avert their gaze from me,

my fucking form a wreck beneath them."

Sleep has refused Vessel, and Vessel feels as if it's torn him apart, and that Sleep has left him alone. ("I am alone again", anyone?) I think we also see Sleep attempt to reconcile and reach out with the lyrics

"You want to talk, you want to talk it out?"

And Vessel responds with

"Cause the jokes on me, and I'm laughing too,

you want to watch me beg, 'cause I beg so well.

It's all so easy for me."

Vessel feels as if he's been turned on again, and left alone. It's easy for him to beg when that's what he has to do to get Sleep's attention.

I think in Gods, Vessel is juggling the rage he feels about not being enough, or at feeling abandoned by a god he put his whole being and faith into.

Now, onto Sugar. Maaan. To be blunt, I think Vessel has found a way to capture Sleep. I think it's about love so obsessive, and being so afraid that the object of your affections might leave, that you trap them.

"Sugar, I've developed a taste for you"

I think what were seeing here is Vessel and his addiction to the god/dess he's chosen. (Sleep)

He says

"My arms keep you in the room,

barely let you move"

Sooo.. he's got Sleep, won't let Sleep go.

Another lyric says "Let me wrap the chains, addicted to the pain,

Sugar I've developed a taste for you"

He's addicted to the pain that Sleep brings and developed a taste for what Sleep can do, and the ache that comes with worshipping Sleep. He doesn't want to give Sleep up, and he's decided to trap them in an effort to keep them close and to keep from being abandoned, perhaps?

"Do you wanna see how far it goes?

Do you wanna test me now, my love?

You must be crazy if you think that I will give in so easily."

He's asking if Sleep wants to push his limits, I think. Which is really interesting considering he told Sleep in Give

"I'll tear the fibre from the filament,

I'll be the limit of your light again,

I want to taste you better (x2)

I will be watching for your enemies,

to let them know that they contend with me"

We know just how devoted Vessel is to Sleep, and we know what he'd go through to get Sleep willingly, so what are his limits when he has to, what I believe, is trap Sleep, or threatening to trap Sleep. To show Sleep that he can and will, if he has to. In Give he also mentions "In this open warfare, I won't fight fair," so I think we know he has no issues with playing dirty.

Honorable mention of Say That You Will

"Is that a glint in your eye?

Is that a blade in your palm?

Well, I am yours tonight

So will you lay in my arms?

You've got me in a frenzy again

I know you're planning to leave in the end

Won't you say that you will

let the impulse to love and the instinct to kill

entangle into one"

And how it sounds like Vessel relenting, knowing that Sleep will leave, and that he is asking for one more night "'til the sweat turns to blood."

[your-bigender-big-brother]

My Sex is Nonbinary Too (an essay)

My sex is of a nonbinary quality. This shouldn't be a very radical statement, but sex is as heavily binarized as gender is and there are certain expectations society has about sex. Your sex has to be either male or female, and whatever happens outside of that rule is treated as an anomaly. You're expected to fall into one of these two categories and in order to move away from the very strict box you were placed in, you'd have to undergo a physical change in order to fit the opposite category. At birth, you're female, and you'll stay that way until you make the difficult decision to get surgery. Now you're male. You’re assigned male at birth and are assumed to be of the male sex. That is, of course, unless you get that surgery to change it all. It's so very linear and conventional, and quite frankly misses so many nuances to the human experience.

My gender is who I am and is intrinsically tied to most other aspects of my identity. I'm a transgender man, I'm a nonbinary man, I'm an autistic man, I'm a man of many talents. No matter how my identity shifts and expands, the same gender is always present. Gender is inevitably relevant no matter which part of me I'm talking about because it gets tangled up in all the other pieces of me, and I don't see why that can't be true for the physical parts of me. My body is a part of my identity experience because it is a part of me.

Of course, I consider this a man's body no matter how I was supposedly born or what I choose to do with it. I call my body a man's body out of a need to take control over an event - an assigned gender at birth - that I did not consent to and that doesn't fully describe my relationship with gender accurately. As for sex, this is a highly intimate part of me that has been medicalized and binarized against my will just as much as the rest of my body, but bodies aren't meant to be policed in this way. Bodies are not meant to be at the mercy of medical biases.

My gender is not a medical anomaly nor anything that derives from physical limitations. I’m not a man because of what my body does, but because of how I view my role in society and how I subvert what society expects of me. For others, they may be a man (or another gender) because they want to fill a specific role in society rather than subvert it. Either way, this is what makes a gender and not what doctors assign to us based on perceived physiology. Likewise, my sex should not be placed under the scrutiny of doctors just so they can call it what they want based on their personal biases and my sex should not be relevant to what is expected of me in society. The sex binary is a construct that I've happily broken away from just as much as the gender binary.

Sex has always been a concept that was forced on me: It determines “what's in your pants” (according to cisgender and transgender people alike) and there are two categories that trans people have to fall into. People have this viewpoint that gender and sex are separate, but somehow they bastardized that concept into the idea that your sex is immutable but your gender is not. I've been told by both trans and cis people, both allies and bigots, that I will always be female because that's what my sex is called. In order to change that, I would need extensive surgery and hormone replacement therapy, according to them. Even so, we are often assumed to always be the sex we were assigned no matter what we do.

I don't subscribe to the sex binary in any way. While my gender has some overlap with the gender binary, my sex is a different thing altogether. I refuse to give my sex a binarist label and even reject sex-related terminology that is typically expected in the trans community: I don't talk about my AGAB, I refuse to call myself “FtM” or “MtF”, and I don't call my sex male or female. No matter what my physiology is, I consider my sex to be of a nonbinary quality, existing outside of the sex binary and being unable to be contained within the typical allotted binary boxes we're often expected to fit into. As someone who is transmaverine - maverine being a quality outside of pre-existing governance - I exist outside the governance of bodily convention.

When I began to really be aware of all the intricacies of my identity and all the pieces that make my gender what it is, I looked into how binarism limits my self-identification. As I grew to understand myself more and more over time, I began to shed all the baggage that comes with conformity and convention. Eventually I landed on the topic of sex. Whether we want it to or not, sex plays a huge role in gender exploration, and it's often expected that we either have a sex that matches our gender or that we subvert sex linearly (that is, we move along a straight path from assigned sex to a new sex.) None of this was ever appealing to me as a concept and so, instead of playing a part in this performance, I decided to reject it altogether.

Some folks are of the male sex, some are female, some consider themselves to be in-between, and some are null of sex. Many of these concepts are physical in nature and have a defined blueprint, which is what society expects from all people. But I don't feel like any of these terms accurately capture how I view my sex and I don't believe that changing my physiology is the only way to gain access to a nonbinary sex. If my gender can be man without having to change myself on a physical level, then my sex can be nonbinary in quite the same way. Nobody should have to undergo costly and stressful surgeries just to be seen as who they truly are.

There's a particular term that was always thrown my way whenever I brought up the idea of having a nonbinary sex. That term is altersex. It's a word for those who wish to change their sex to something unconventional or who view their sex in a way that does not fit societal standards. For a while I had assumed that the desire to physically transition was a prerequisite for altersex people to use the term, that there had to be some kind of physical change planned in order to fit the label, but apparently the definition was expanded early on to include those who simply viewed their sex in a nonconforming way. Still, this term goes out of its way to separate itself from gender labels, but I prefer to use a label to describe my sex that is typically used to describe gender. I don't see my sex as something incompatible with my nonbinary gender and I don’t believe my gender and my sex should use entirely separate and distinct descriptors. I call my sex nonbinary and I think that it would benefit a lot of trans and nonbinary people if they tried to do the same. Try to say “I am a man and this is a man's body, therefore my sex is male,” or “I am nonbinary and this is a nonbinary body, therefore my sex is nonbinary.” This can work for any kind of gender, really.

Of course, there are dozens of labels out there that can describe sex in nonconforming ways - neumel (neutral sex), aporale (aporine sex), oumel (outherine sex), enbinmel (nonbinary sex) - and a number of them may come pretty close to describing exactly the way I view my sex. Enbinmel is right there as a word for having a nonbinary sex, so why don’t I choose this one? To me, it’s empowering to use a term that is typically used to describe gender to describe sex instead. It’s a way for me to queer sex with the same aggressive nonconformity with which I queer gender, to say “fuck you” to all convention and label myself on my own terms, even if it makes no sense to most people.

That’s really the struggle right now: Trying to help make sense of nonbinary sex for people who view sex as a physiological two-part model, because I can see myself having to explain that my nonbinary sex doesn’t have a specific “look” and that it’s just what I call my sex. I call myself bigender, which in turn also doesn’t “look” like anything. I call myself a man, neutrois, transmaverine, and none of these things have a “look.” But people tend to hold on to the material and seem to prefer some kind of visual evidence of gender. Masculine is masculine and feminine is feminine. To some, nonbinarity should have some kind of visual signifier so that they can wrap their heads around the concept. The problem is that gender is not that simple and while sex may be assigned based on specific observed traits, it’s not that simple either.

To those folks, I say: Gender is a construct that is entirely mental and traditionally, there may be some kind of perceived aesthetic that matches or subverts specific genders, but it’s otherwise more flexible than traditionalists tend to view it. Sex is something assigned based on biases and can pave the way for how we are raised and what is expected of us in society. We can call our sexes whatever we want and we can choose to break away from our assignment if it means living a more authentic life. Sex, gender, and many other aspects of our identities are very personal and it really shouldn’t concern others how we choose to navigate these concepts. It often feels like all of society is an oppressive force of conformity with few options for exploration. Many of us choose to look at all the options forced upon us and simply say “no thank you!” or “not applicable!”

I never talked much about my physical transition goals in videos or blog posts and the older I get, the less inclined I am to do so. I don't need a specific transition plan in mind just to convince others to view my labels as valid and I'm sure as hell not shelling out money for a surgery that can “perfectly” encompass all the many facets of my gender. Few nonbinary people even have access to nonbinary options for surgery because of the heavily binarized medical field and the expectation for sex to be of two distinct physiological categories. This is why being able to call our genders and our sexes what we want, both equally, is far more beneficial to our individual journeys of self-exploration. We are valid because we are self-identified.

[tsumtsumrry]

request where reader has some kind of severish accident which means her movement is limited (like she has a leg cast and crutches or something) and harry takes time out to visit her in hospital and then care for her at home when she’s released until she’s feeling better and once she feels good again she keeps hinting at wanting to be intimate with him because it’s been so long and she’s missed having him that way and that aspect of their relationship but he’s not picking up on her hints because he doesn’t want to rush her or assume she’s ready before she’s fully recovered but it just makes her feel rejected and sad like he doesn’t want her that way anymore and he sees her as a burden because there’s no proper communication but then when they finally talk about how they’re feeling he’s like omg baby no that’s not it at all of course i’m still attracted to you i love you i just don’t want to pressure you after everything… cut to it ends in fluffy emotional smut and all is well again

lmao sorry this was so long and there’s no punctuation but this was literally a stream of consciousness 😮‍💨

hii thank you so much for the request it was really fun to write <;3

hope you enjoy!

It was completely your fault. 

At least that’s how you felt. The bike ride was supposed to be short and sweet but you ended up in a small ditch with a broken ankle. You felt stupid more than anything. And a little embarrassed. You called Harry with a wobbly voice and shooting pain in your ankle. He raced to your location and took you to the hospital, doted on you endlessly and now that shooting pain has been reduced to a dull ache due to the medication they have you on. 

His hands gently knead your leg and give you a much needed massage to soothe a cramp that’s been building up while you stare at him with loving eyes, “how’s it feeling, baby? Better? Doctor said it would be good to go home with some crutches.” 

You roll your eyes at him and smirk mischievously, “I could’ve gone home days ago, you’re the one that made me stay here to make sure I was alright, Harry.” You chuckle softly and watch closely as he gets up to start to tidy up and collect your things. 

“I just needed to make sure that there wouldn’t be any further damage, angel.” he pleads his case, stopping his gathering for a moment to shoot you a look that you only respond to with a deadpan stare. 

“Whatever you say, Dr. Styles.” 

“Mm. Say that again. S’kinda hot.” your lover smirks at you with that glint in his eyes that only shows up when he says something that he knows will have an effect on you. You giggle and he takes a couple steps towards you, leans down, and gives you a soft kiss. Your hands reach up to tangle in his brown curls, tugging lightly to pull him deeper into the kiss. The faintest of groans leave his lips and it makes a wave of contentment flow through you, you’ve missed him like this. That contentment is very quickly thwarted when Harry pulls away, only to leave you with a quick peck and a smile. You frown softly, but he misses it. 

“All jokes aside though, I’m really glad you’re okay. It could’ve been a lot worse; you know?” He gently takes your chin between his fingers and squeezes softly. You nod and offer him a knowing smile. You know how anxious he gets, especially when it comes to the people he loves most, especially when it comes to you. “And excuse me for my innate nature to protect the girl I love.” he speaks with a sarcastic bite and a faux eye roll that you giggle heartily at. 

“Alright, love.” his voice strains from the weight of you in his arms, “you just lay here and look pretty. I’ll go get your stuff and then we can cuddle.” You were cleared to go home. They sent you off with some crutches and told you that you were good to go.

And that’s basically how the rest of the five weeks in the cast went. You and Harry, alone in your house, with Harry constantly all over you and needing to make sure you were okay. He rarely let you out of his sight unless he had to go to work and you loved it, but seeing him and not being able to really kiss him the way you want to has you a little bummed, and frustrated. You’ve not only missed kissing him, you’ve missed having him. The weight of him on top of you, the praise he always whispers in your ear, the way he feels when he touches you and fucks you like no one else can. You’ve missed all of that. 

And you barely need the crutches anymore! You’ve been walking just fine without them and Harry has been so vocal about being proud of your progress, but still nothing. 

You try to give him hints sometimes but it’s like it completely flies over his head. He’ll just kiss you as if you guys are being watched by the pope and be his normal perfect, “tooth-rottingly” sweet self. 

“Missed you so much, angel.” He had just come back from work, tired, but obviously never too tired for his girl, “d’you need anything? You’ve eaten right?” he mumbles while his face is squished cutely into your arm. 

“Yes, my love. I’ve eaten. Don’t need anything really. Just you.” And that one was obvious, really obvious, you used that tone you normally use with him when he’s fucking you, you have your hands tangled in his hair and make sure to tug lightly enough to where it feels like an accident, you’re wearing his favorite smelling body oil, you’re even dragging your foot across his thigh for god’s sake. What more does he need? He’s usually ready to go with less. 

“Well you’ve got me. Always.” his head shoots up, the curls flopping with it, he grins so happily at you like you aren’t dying from the emptiness of not having him inside you for so long. You might lose it and honestly you can’t even blame yourself for how you’re reacting. He’s just too good to be without it for this long. And you can’t figure out why he doesn’t seem to want to give you what you need. That’s always been his promise after all, that he was going to give me what you needed, always. 

So, what in the world is going on now? 

It’s been another two weeks. Still no moves from Harry and still seventeen million moves from you (a day). You’re beginning to think that he’s doing it on purpose, and that, that is a dangerous thought. You’re the biggest overthinker you know, and now that the seed is planted in your head that Harry is avoiding your attempts at being intimate with him, it’s spiraling out of control. There’s a big ball of emotion in the pit of your stomach that’s making you feel like shit and you really don’t like the feeling. 

You decide to go downstairs and find him, hoping to just talk it out. The whole way down the stairs you’re convincing yourself that it’s all just a big misunderstanding or miscommunication, but your brain is working overtime to convince you that you're being avoided on purpose. 

When you hit the last step, you immediately see him, in all his glory. His back is turned to you and he’s wearing a tight black shirt that showcases every muscle in his back and arms. It honestly makes your mouth water. You walk up closer to him when you realize he’s on the phone and your walking slows so you can be quieter. Your hands reach up to touch his shoulder and finally get some of that physical contact you’ve been craving. He puts his hand on yours for a second but then slightly shrugs your hand off of his shoulder. Your heart drops. 

Now, normally, you would’ve found it funny, or just chalk it up to him doing something important, or being in a bad mood, but there was only one word running through your head now. 

Burden. 

Burden. 

Burden. 

The extreme fear you have of feeling unwanted manifests in many different ways. You stumble back from him, while he doesn’t even notice the pain on your face, and you slowly retreat to your room. As soon as you get upstairs, and onto your bed, the waterworks start. You feel so incredibly dramatic but it hurts so much to feel like the only person you want around doesn’t feel the same way you do. 

It’s a couple dozen minutes of crying before you hear his heavy footsteps coming up the stairs. Your door opens a couple moments later and Harry comes in it. The first thing he heard, which stopped him in his tracks, was a sniffle. And then he saw you crying. His heart drops. 

“Hey, hey hey. What’s going on?” he rushes over to you with his gentle voice, immediately crouching down to level with where you’re laying on the bed. “Is it hurting, baby? Tell me what’s wrong.” 

And he tries to convince you to tell him, for way longer than he should’ve, lots and lots of coaxing, and when you finally told him, it may have been in the least liked way that you were imagining. 

“Why won’t you touch me?!” you blurt out, frustration clear as day in your voice. Harry leans back slightly at the shock of your admission. 

“Why won’t I…touch you? I–babe what are you talking about?” 

“I’ve been trying everything I know of to get you to realize I just need you so badly, but it feels like you’ve been ignoring it. Like you just don’t want to be intimate with me and it feels like I’m a burden or something. I hate feeling like I’m bothering you.” 

Harry has a permanent frown on his face when you speak, looking directly into your eyes, following your every move. 

After your short rant he looks at you for a moment, he looks away as if he’s in thought, he sighs almost as if he’s relieved, then you watch him…laugh?

“I cannot believe,” he starts, immediately getting up from his crouched position to stand and tower over you. “I cannot believe that you could ever think that I don’t wanna be close to you, or make you feel good, or make you come the way only I can.” his eyes have changed from soft and concerned to intense, but with that familiar glint. 

“You really think I’d ever deprive myself of being in between those gorgeous thighs, baby? Really?” his hand softly grazes against your thigh, almost as if to prove his point. Your eyes flutter shut at the faint touch. Finally, you think. 

“I’ve only been worried about your ankle.  I just wanted to make sure everything was alright before we did anything. You hurt yourself pretty badly baby, didn’t wanna pressure you.” 

“Jesus, H. Seriously? I was worried–” you’re cut off when he kisses you deeply, his hand coming up to loosely wrap around your throat. You moan into the kiss and he groans deeply, moving himself so he’s on top of you. 

“Thought I taught you better than you not using your words, pretty.” he rasps, his tone soft but condescending. You whimper softly at his words, as he spreads your legs to fit himself between them, rocking his hips to grind himself against you. “Hm? Use your words, baby. You have to tell me what you want.” 

That slow grinding is making your mind go fuzzy, it’s been so long and you already feel dizzy with pleasure. “Need to be close. Need you to fuck me.” you mumble. You already feel closer than you have in a long time. The way you’re staying directly into his moss green eyes as his entire body flexes with his movements, the way you can feel his soft pants against your skin. 

“Yeah?” and he wastes no time. He kisses down your body slowly, like he’s worshiping you, and makes his way down between your thighs. He spreads you apart slowly like if he wants to savor every moment and when he finally gives you what you want, he gives and gives and gives. 

And you just have to sit there and take it while he’s fucking you with his perfect mouth like that, getting his face and your thighs all messy with your arousal, moaning as if he’s the one getting pleasure from it, making you come twice on his tongue despite your squirming and whimpers. 

“Have no idea how much I missed your perfect cunt, baby. No idea.” 

And when you tried your very best to pull away due to the overstimulation, he tightens his arms around your waist and tugged you back to him harshly with a gruff, “M’not done. Need more.” 

And god if you didn’t just die right then. 

When he fucked you, it was slow. And you could definitely tell that he missed you just as much as you missed him. Deep and slow strokes that brought the most beautiful sounds out of both of you and had his breath stuttering and eyes fluttering shut. 

“You’re so perfect, so wet for me.” he moans softly. Suddenly his eyes open and his brows pull together when he looks down at you, he almost looks…sad. 

“Don’t you ever think that I don’t want you like this again, do you understand me?” He punctuates his words with a very purposeful thrust that rubs right against the spot that makes you shake. “I could never be not attracted to you. Never. You’re the only person that has me this fucking gone. How do you not see what you do to me?” 

He reassures you the whole time, whispering those praises you missed so much in your ear ang touching you exactly the way he knows you like. 

“You’re so fucking good for me, angel. Squeezing me so tight, you missed me hm?” 

“Wanna come for me? Is my needy girl gonna soak my cock? Go ahead baby.” 

“That’s my girl. Fuck I’ve missed how you feel when you come around my cock like that.” 

And when you both finish, he’s extra cuddly. You guys are bundled up in the blankets and it feels like if he were to crawl in your skin it still wouldn’t be enough to satisfy him. 

“God I missed you.” he breathes out contentedly.

“Missed you too, H. So much.” 

“Also you smell really good, is that my favorite body oil?” he questions with the most adorable smile on his face. 

“Now you notice?” you giggle and roll your eyes; he has a confused pout on his face, and you just cuddle up closer to him and let your eyes fall shut.

[hollow-lime-green]

new anon here!! i’ll take one for the team and bite the bait 🕵🏻‍♀️ honestly just because i’m so-in-love with your fiym verse but also because i think this conversation is just so interesting 🙂‍↕️ i’ve never heard of “side” before [the crowd boos “FAKE FUJOSHI!!” they scream] but i’m v intrigued now! i’d love to hear your full interpretations/take on dynamics, t/b - fiym related :)

mwahaha they took the bait they took the baaaaait

that's why they call me a master baiter.

FIYM is all about two kids with very different experiences with intimacy (sexual and nonsexual) trying to figure out what they want/need, and what the other one wants/needs, all in the context of a 2010s level of homophobia, a very limited information on Gay Stuff (TM), and the worst communication you can imagine.

in FIYM, suguru and satoru both have very specific backstories that shape their views on penetrative sex. i am going to separate it by character here.

suguru is coming from a pretty dark background of underage survival sex work (which I don't get very explicit with). i chose this because i think it works really really well with canon suguru's themes of bodily autonomy, outsider/commonborn status, and de-prioritization of his own needs. having had that experience (bottoming as someone else's choice, not his), in present time, i've written him with a preference against bottoming. but, i think maybe he would still try it again with satoru eventually.

not t/b related, but this is also why i've written him as such a service top. he's really disconnected from his own body and doesn't want to think about what he might want or need out of sex, because he hasn't had the luxury of that. even if he trusts satoru, there's still a lot that he hasn't worked through yet.

i actually originally wrote our last sex scene (ch 13) with suguru being shocked that satoru would want to bottom, and assuming that satoru was going to want to top because, y'know, Satoru Is Very Straight, Right? but i ended up having suguru catch onto satoru being gay a little quicker than i originally planned.

satoru is coming from a background of not knowing anything about anything. his ideas on sex and relationships are mostly based on teen dramas with cishet couples and internet porn. he has no clue what suguru actually wants because he can't ask (and suguru wouldn't answer - he's already dodged the 'type' question, and suguru doesn't even know what he wants) so satoru tries really, really hard to fit himself into the box of a traditional cishet girlfriend, which he assumes means putting out (and putting out a LOT makes him the hot cheerleader that guys want), which means bottoming, because Suguru Is Very Straight, Right?

satoru is also dealing with oversensitivity from the Six Eyes, though (and a childhood of very distant, not physically intimate family members, who would not have hugged him or been touchy). i went over this in some of the physics-related FIYM jujutsu mechanics posts, but all energy is vibration, and that's how satoru senses energy. so whenever suguru touches him, it's low level vibrations, or, if he's intentionally infusing himself with cursed energy, high level vibrations. along with that, i also wanted to make him particularly sensitive to constriction feelings, like tight jackets, or anything really enveloping him.

all of this sensory feedback adds up to satoru generally preferring light, slow, and indirect touch. he doesn't want to top because he feels like that would make him ineligible to be with suguru (he's drinking the 'one gay has to wear the pants' flavor aid), and also the sensation would be too much without something to temper it. he wants to bottom because that is the Girl Thing to Do, (also he likes the idea of suguru dominating him (which to him goes along with suguru topping him as conquest behavior), because he's turned on by strength and competence)

however, his body is not really on the same page. at least, not yet. in relativity, we see that he doesn't really feel pleasure when doing it himself. in 2sorcs chapter 13, that changes with suguru because of the vibration component, and also because he's actually relaxed/into it. but it is still very overwhelming for him, enough to start doing some, uh, interesting jujutsu things. 👀 (we'll get more into this in fellas/3sorcs)

so, tl;dr, in FIYM,

Suguru prefers not to bottom, but is extremely service-partner pilled and is more than happy with nonpenetrative sex. he does like the idea of getting his dick wet, but it's not top of mind because he doesn't think of himself as having agency sexually.

Satoru thinks he has to bottom because of internalized homophobia. he also does like the idea of bottoming, especially when mixed with Suguru's brand of soft d/s, but nonpenetrative sex is more inside his physical comfort zone.

this lends itself to a primarily 'side' dynamic (if they actually figured this out and knew the label for it, which absolutely would not happen in FIYM or in the 2010s really), with a little sprinkling of top suguru/bottom satoru, and maybe a little sprinkling of switching as they get older and suguru works through his own feelings and comfort.

i guess i would call it a fixed dynamic in the sense of: FIYM has very clear ideas about how and why they fuck the way they do. but it is also unfixed in that it's an arc of shifting sexuality as they learn about themselves and each other physically

anyway yeah! they're gonna have more sex later, probably. i also have some 'deleted (sex) scenes' that happened in the 2sorcs timeline that we'll get flashbacks to in fellas/3sorcs. excited for all of that! i have been doing a little sprinting for it here and there. hopefully i'll get some words in this week, although master's stuff is still ongoing and tumultuous.

[drstanfordpines]

barfing very incomplete stanford thoughts here bc i need to get them out of my brain or i’ll actually explode

hypervigilance headcanon go brrrrr (this one prob isn’t new to y’all; it’s practically canon with how he acts & seems to be popular in the ford fan community from what i’ve seen, i just want to amp it up some more. turn up that there angst dial babey!). more to this: jumpy at many things including but not limited to fast/unexpected movements, loud/unexpected sounds, etcetera.

gets really annoyed when people pronounce et cetera “exetra”.

studied latin in college. like a fucking nerd

paranoia but what if we added More. i said TURN THE DIAL UPPPPPPPPPPP

journal 3 says he is excited to hear newest eurythmics chart topper so i’m assuming he’s a fan. i want mabel to show him new music. i’m definitely going to project my music taste onto mabel. i also want him to hear WAP for the first time. i think it would be funny.

he’s either aroace or bi all around or some combination of those thangs, ie he has the same amount of attraction to all genders which is either a “normal” amount or possibly less or none (yes i am projecting. it’s called being valid and sexy). in other words: he doesn’t really understand romantic or sexual attraction and tbh he doesn’t care to. he has more nerdy important things to do. that being said he has def dated fiddleford and had a thing with bill (i feel like “dated” definitely isn’t the right term for the relationship of ford and bill. idk man i’m having thoughts at a million miles per hour rn i’ll explain later or whatever)

legitimately believed for a large portion of his life that anyone who gets close to him is either a) evil and wants to hurt him/the people he cares about OR b) inevitably going to get hurt/killed (or worse) because of what he called “the stanford effect”; basically the thought that he is Cursed™️ so he must isolate himself to save others from the effects of the curse or whatever the fuck

despite all the shit he’s been through, he does not identify as superstitious. he is first and foremost a scientist babey.

during his time in the portal, he clung onto his identity as a scientist desperately. i hc that he had to do some really fucked up shit to survive out there, and that he kept a series of field journals (or just one digital field journal would be easier probably) documenting his experiences as a way to keep himself sane (or as sane as he could be given the situation).

[bengiyo]

Theory of Love Romcom Rewatch Episode 9: The Last Moment (2008)

Once again I am watching Theory of Love because @lurkingshan gets specific pleasure out of making me change my mind about this show. This week we’re continuing with The Last Moment (2009), a Thai romantic drama that I can only assume is part of this series because it’s distributed by GMM. As usual, I had not actually seen this one before, and unfortunately may hate it the most out of all the films we’ve watched. @lurkingshan commented on how much she hated this film and how little it has to do with this week’s episode.

The Last Moment (2008)

The Last Moment (2008) tells the story of the dubious love triangle between Fah (Peak Pattarasaya Kreursuwansiri), Phayu (Pae Arak Amornsupasiri), and Naam (Koy Rachwin Wongviriya). Fah is dating a douchebag, Phayu is secretly yearning for Fah, and Naam is yearning for Phayu. Fah is sick with a nonspecific terminal drama illness, agrees to date Phayu before the end, but then breaks up with him when she learns that Naam has been burning a flame for Phayu. Naam, meanwhile, dates a man who eventually violently sexually assaults her, which also results in an unwanted pregnancy. Phayu agrees to marry Naam for appearances so she can keep the baby. Fah dies and says Phayu can only be with Naam. Naam moves to England, and returns to Thailand years later.

Honestly, this film was too much, and is yet another entry into something I’d like to explore about internal vs. external drama in Thai narratives. This film obviously sets up the drama for a love triangle, and yet almost all of the drama is inflicted on these characters from forces beyond their control (illness, rape, etc.), except for Phayu’s insistence on peeing on people or drinking piss (this is a literal thing in the film). This was such a dour film obsessed with primarily how Phayu felt at any given moment, and not one about how a trio of friends navigate the awkwardness of their misaligned feelings. 

I found it quite dull to deal with the constant stream of external factors in what I expected to be a very internal film. The main reason why I liked Gelboys was because all of the drama came from those boys tormenting each other with how they responded to each other’s feelings. In any case, I loathed the experience of watching this film and do not recommend anyone else watch it.

Theory of Love Episode 9

Khai has completely made the turn at this point, and now finds himself in similar position to where we initially found Third: yearning for Third while trying to be a decent friend who shouldn’t act on any jealousy he feels about other people being interested in Third. Khai is recovering from his bike crash, and failing to care for himself properly. Eventually, Third steps in to help Khai with his physical limitations in what is totally not a setup for an adult scene scenario. Third, as usual, is avoiding anything Khai says about apologies.

I really enjoyed Khai having nightmares about his situation with Third, and was actually looking forward to his blowup at the party. I think it’s fun storytelling to have Khai be an awkward dork now that he really cares about someone romantically. Moreover, Shane needs to pick less gossipy games for his party! I was so relieved when we finally got to the blowup. I’m excited to see Third and Khai face each other again.

There were some other things going on with the sides, but I’ve basically stopped trying to remember because I don’t care. I remain frustrated with Un as a character. His relationship with Two remains relevant only because the show will want the audience to jettison attachment to Un and Third as a potential couple. As such, his characterization remains bland and inconsistent for me, and I generally found this show to be a waste of Earth. There really could have been something more in this story about Third finding connection with someone who also knew he was queer, and was maybe more out than Third, but alas.

[ironunderstands]

I've seen some people mention that at the end cutscene of 2.2, while everyone else in the dreamscape looks to be waking up/seems dazed, Ratio looks composed????? Like this is a normal Tuesday and said people said "what if he's been awake from the Order dream for actually a while lol"

Thoughts, o Aeon of Reading Comprehension?

Knowing Ratio, yeah, he probably figured out he was in a dream pretty quickly, perhaps even as early as 2.2.

There are two things that confuse this though:

It doesn’t linearly become Ena’s dream, there’s no specific moment in time where everything is no longer reality. Rather, the entirety of Penacony is slowly falling into the dream, with people like the Trailblazer going in first because of their sensitivity to Memoria. Honestly the Ena’s dream thing is very confusing, but what I’m trying to say is that it’s difficult to pinpoint when exactly Ratio woke up, but we can make a few assumptions

We just don’t see shit from Ratio’s end like, at all. The amount of screentime he has versus his importance in the story is nuts, to the point where I think they are almost deliberately hiding what went down on his end. Like bro how did you figure out Dormancy, what happened 😭

However, even with these limitations I still have somewhat of an idea of what I think happened.

The Ratio we meet next to Aventurine and Topaz following our “defeat” of Sunday likely isn’t the real Dr. Ratio. Because well, look at him. And look at them for that matter 😭 “The IPC is going to leave Penacony alone” “I Veritas Ratio am working with the Genius Society” this seems more like wishful thinking on the Trailblazer’s end rather than something that could ever happen in reality, especially since in what universe would Ratio find the time to somehow convince and work with the Genius Society on a topic neither he nor they would care about.

Moreover, this scene is also meant to make the audience go “hmm, something’s up” so the twist that it was all a dream had more impact. However, in that scene, Himeko and Welt also comment on how weird their behavior is, which makes me wonder. Were Himeko and Welt (and by extension Dan Heng and March) also experiencing the same dream as TB, or are they also fake, and TB’s closer relationship with the other members of the Astral Express makes them more realistic in Ena’s dream, objecting to the IP3’s behavior in a way they would in reality?

Anyways, tangent over, the point is, that Ratio wasn’t real, so where is the real Ratio? I’d say he’s experiencing a perfect dream of his own, just like everyone else on Penacony.

Which is why he woke up so early. Sure, the memokeepers could have sensed he was useful and woke him up so he could help wake others up, something which we can assume he’s doing based on the singular frame he gets in that cutscene.

Just based on vibes, it looks like he just helped those two people in the back wake up, and now he stands up to look at the Hunt arrows/stars/meteors? Shooting across the sky.

However, I want to entertain the idea that Ratio woke up on his own, because realistically, he 100% could.

Ena’s dream, and well, Penacony in general offers a perfect reality, and that’s not something Ratio believes in. He would immediately notice everything is too good to be true, and that would cause the dream to fall apart. Interestingly, Ena’s dream also seems to tailor itself to the individual, so what would be too perfect for Ratio to ever believe it could happen in reality?

I’m sure you have already guessed the answer.

How was it, Veritas Ratio? Having the thing that unraveled your dream be the one thing you have wanted all your life? How does it feel, knowing that being acknowledged by Nous is something that could never happen to you in reality?

How was it?

I still think it could have happened in other ways, or maybe he avoided falling into the dream in the first place somehow, but ultimately, I prefer my idea the most.

I hope this satisfies your question

[coolingrosa]

Honestly about nightmare....it upset me quite a bit how he just didn't at all understand why Killer was acting out like this. It felt so obvious? Like with Dust showing up and Killer acting out in response to it....Unless this is a common occurrence? I am really wondering what nightmare thought about this, if he even tried to read Killer and his behaviour or perhaps ask Dust about the relationship between the two. Did he just not think anything about it? Just assume "oh its a kid throwing a tantrum, it'll pass"? Man i'd rly like to know it from his perspective. Maybe he is used to ppl throwing tantrums, considering I am pretty sure error flips out a lot too. I guess the problem hereby lies with the fact error is an immortal and an adult and killer,.,,is not. and nightmare just simple doesn't distinguish the two properly.

But honestly I think nightmare should have known better than to snap at Killer ToT..... I believe that him snapping did ultimately the most damage, error just kinda added a bit more salt to it to be put it simple. After all Killer favoured Nightmare obviously a lot more than Error, he was like a parent figure for him basically. So Nightmare snapping would mean a lot more than what Error says. I don't like how error told Killer that advice though, he basically just told him to "suck it up", in the pretense of "caring" for nightmare and not wanting to see him upset. It feels wrong to say that error cares though, because of how he is STILL stuck in the past. It almost feels like he is talking and giving advice to Killer more for himself than for nightmares sake.

Both error and nightmare are so inexperienced with mortals and so fucking mentally fucked up themselves, I doubt they will act any different unless someone who is a mortal corrects them...And I honestly thought Dust would do it? At one point it felt like he knew why Killer did it, but then it felt like he did not?

ultimate question however: how will nightmare react to Killers change? I wonder if alarm bells will ring or if he will just think that Killers "phase" finally passed. And I fear it'll be the latter.... So sorry for the long ass essay, I have SO many questions AND IT IS SO HARD TO TELL WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN AND HOW THIS MESS OF A MAKE-SHIFT FAMILY IS GOING TO DEVELOPE.....

You’re analysis is so wonderful and definitely the mixed emotions I wanted to give. Especially since good and evil doesn’t exist in Roseverse, just people and their actions. A lot of my YouTube and tiktok dragged on Dream solely for a while due to the limited knowledge, so chapter four was a big drop as it showed just how out of depth and horrible Nightmare and Error could be as well. I’m gonna try to answer each part of this the best I can without revealing too much!

1. Nightmare is used to Killer acting out, which happened a lot in the pilot, so he doesn’t put two and two together that these moments are connected- especially since Killer has never been put in a situation around him to show that he ALSO has jealousy issues as well as self esteem issues. For a while it was just them and sometimes Error in the castle, which Killer never showed an act of jealously towards- only distrust.

2. Nightmare’s perspective won’t be shown a lot in the next Bad Sanses chapter unfortunately, so I’ll try my best to explain his reasoning here. Don’t take it as a defense. I may explain characters and their actions, but at the end of the day, Nightmare is a adult and has a responsibility.

Nightmare’s main flaw (and I can now finally state this) is that he doesn’t care for people who are not under his radar. Saying he doesn’t know much about negative emotions is redundant, but his abilities to help with them have long since faded ever since the loss of Ink. Killer clearly is the product of a teenager with intense mental health issues, and Nightmare never got to see Ink as a bratty teenager. Killer is the only example around him and so he quite frankly sucks at it and sees his outbursts as…well…tantrums. He can’t fully see Killer for what he is and constantly sees him as a child due to his own age, and that belittling makes Killer’s emotions and rightful feelings come across as childish to Nightmare.

The mention of Error is also correct. Nightmare is used to emotional and violent outbursts since he was thirteen- especially from those close to him. Error and Nightmare as children weren’t healthy and Error was an abusive friend. I will always state that. However, though Error improved his ways, Nightmare never fully blamed him for such things and therefore never saw anything wrong with the people he loved lashing out and being hurtful. It’s normal for him- and also not smth to be addressed in his eyes. However, Killer is a child and as the adult, Nightmare has a responsibility to step in and correct his behavior with disciplinary action rather than passiveness. But, of course, he doesn’t until he finally snaps

3. Yeahhh I will say what Error told Killer didn’t bother him too much until he made the comment about Dust. Killer is far too use to the verbal abuse Error shoots at him that it rolled off of him and he was more annoyed Error was still in the room. Error and Killer just aren’t and will never be close enough for their fights to leave any impact. Nightmare, though? After finding out truly what Nightmare is capable of and then being told that? Oh, yeah, Killer is crushed.

4. This was one of the few times Error tried to actually help in his own way. Error doesn’t word himself well, even when being vulnerable. He hoped Killer would understand it as “there’s no need to lash out as ur already here and cared for. So just stop hating urself and others and finally feel secure. “ Was it not so great advice and easy to be misunderstood from what he actually meant? Yea. Did he just COMPLETELY miss the mark on mental health and the struggles of slowly getting over the fear of abandonment and the steps it takes to FEEL that security? YEAH LMAO. But Killer definitely misunderstood him as well. And Error also misunderstood something about Dust as well. I’ll expand more on that in my last point.

5. Dust may be smart, but he can’t put together a case without solid evidence and explanation and due to him not being there from the start, he doesn’t truly understand why Killer is acting like he is. He knows it has something to do with Nightmare, but what that actually is? He can’t know. I believe this won’t be a shock, but Dust does think Killer was being abused by Nightmare and therefore becomes like a guard dog. When Killer jumps him, that ideas gets thrown out the window and Dust is left utterly confused on the motives. He doesn’t hate him, though. He’s just confused, and hurt.

6. And unfortunately, Dust isn’t empathetic enough to be the one to truly understand things. Wonder who will be, though…

7. I cant say too much as that’s a chapter seven thing, but I will say it’s where Gus the immortal frog comes in (Killer’s pet) and given by Nightmare. I’m sure you can put two and two together as to why Nightmare, who is clueless about everything teenager related, is stooping to giving the apathetic Killer a pet 😭

8. Almost forgot this part but Killer is an unreliable narrator. He will always be, and the next bad Sanses chapter will see that, as it won’t be in his perspective solely. Everything he sees and thinks is unreliable. For example, when they reach the au and Dust is slowly blinking at him while Killer demands to know why he came too, Killer takes it as a threat. What if Dust actually doing? Blinking at him like he’s a angry cat bc Dust doesn’t understand emotions and defeats to animal behaviors to help soothe this teenager LMAO

[elliespuns]

I wanted to ask you this since you definitely understand the tlou characters down to a T 👌🏻How do you think sarah was conceived LMAO. Like, do you think joel and sarah’s mom were already in a relationship for a while, or were they a pretty new couple n all of a sudden she got pregnant. I’m assuming it was an accident and they were using protection, I don’t think joel would be dumb enough to not use protection.

Since joel’s birthday is in September and sarah’s mom got pregnant when he was 18, he must’ve gotten her pregnant after graduating. School in the US ends around May/June, so he would’ve been 17 during graduation. I wonder if he was supposed to go to college but had to leave bc sarah’s mom got pregnant.

I have the feeling he wasn’t planning on going anyways, otherwise he would told ellie at the university that he was supposed to go to college but didn’t bc of sarah. Not to mention, by the time his birthday came when he turned 18, if he was planning on going to college he would’ve already committed to a school since decisions would’ve come out when he was 17 and still a senior in hs. anyways that was more math than i was planning on doing lol but what are you thoughts?

First of all, I love all of this. Such a perfect, thought-through analysis (what do you even need me for, hun?).

I think everything you say makes perfect sense. The only thing I see differently is the "protection" part. I do, on the other hand, think Joel was dumb enough not to use the protection. I don't know why, but something has always told me he's one of the fathers who get their first girlfriend pregnant accidentally as a result of carefree sex and then end up dedicating their whole life to the baby, be it together with her or alone, because this baby is someone now, someone he's created, and what kind of person he would've been if he didn't want it.

Protection or not, both work, I guess. Both meant he got her pregnant by accident. People had limited options and choices back then when it came to unwanted pregnancies, so I think his initial thought was anything but "We need to keep it." despite the panic he felt.

He probably didn't even want a baby, but then he slept on it and realized there was no way back, so he manned up and married his girlfriend in the hope of raising this child together. Which didn't happen because his wife probably couldn't bear all this pressure of being a young mother and left him and Sarah on their own. That's when I think he manned up to the highest of levels because there was literally no one else who would take care of his baby.

What I think is that his wife just left him in the cold. Simple as that. Some people think she died, but that wouldn't make sense with what Joe told Ellie at the university. If his wife died, he'd probably just tell her, like in a good memory of her or something. He was already sharing his feelings about Sarah with Ellie, so he would do the same with his wife. Instead, he seemed like he didn't want to talk about his wife. I've always felt like it had nothing to do with being hard for him, but rather because this topic was not something he wanted to share with a kid.

Which makes me think his wife either left him and Sarah without saying a thing or they had a fight (she could be problematic, maybe not handling motherhood that well), and he told her to leave, knowing that he'd be a better dad to Sarah alone. 

I think Joel's wife was his girlfriend back when he got her pregnant. Maybe even his first serious girlfriend. That's probably why they decided to get married. Maybe they were even forced into marriage by their parents, because you know what it was like back then. You had to be married to have a kid, because if you had a kid without a marriage, you'd be looked down on.

I will forever wonder what Joel's wife's name was, though. I just hope it wasn't Sarah.