#whether its been done or not
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Concept: Sun being super upset, suddenly bawling, because he doesn't have working lips, and therefore can't kiss a booboo better.
#bless him#i know ive posted a good bit today/night already but#HAD to share this#whether its been done or not#just...precious sun boy#fnaf sb#fnaf security breach#fnaf sun#sun fnaf#fnaf sb dca#dca sun#sb daycare attendant#fnaf daycare attendant#scenario#drawing idea too#sorta quote or at least a quote i wanna hear#wholesome#cute#for fun#concept#photo edit#just talking
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The Feather
Aaand next part! Look who finally showed up... <3
Part ONE | Part TWO | Part THREE | Part FOUR | Part FIVE | Part SEVEN
#vashwood#nicholas d. wolfwood#vash the stampede#trigun maximum#wolfwood lives au#las!art#thank you everyone who lasted this long#there will be a slight change of style for the next two parts#nothing dramatic#but hopefully nice <3#sorry for the slightly open ending this time around i promise it has its reasons#hellooooooo baby booooooiiiiii <3 <3 <3#i spent time speculating whether he'd go for the fingers but he's been pretty done with everything for a while so...
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finally sat down and cranked this shit Out on my day off lmfao CAST LIST GO!!
new additions: francis as hermes, and feliks and natalya joining emma as the two other fates! plus the. chorus of olya, elise, alfred, matthew, and arthur.
i didnt draw the orchestra but we have: roderich on piano, tolys on trombone, heracles on guitar, vash on bass, joão (portugal) on cello, henri (luxembourg) on violin, and abel on percussion! ludwig isnt playing anyone, he's in charge of backstage and making sure everyone is ready for their cues 👍👍
#hetalia world stars#hetalia au#hadestown production au#hws france#hws spain#hws romano#hws hungary#hws prussia#hws belgium#hws poland#hws belarus#im not tagging anyone else sorry im being lazy. lmfao.#my art#ignore how i got lazy with the chorus outfits i got so fucking bored of drawing the same thing hhhhghgh.#freddy and mattie and olya are doing any lifting that needs to be done because theyre 💪💪💪#anyway i couldnt decide whether i wanted francis or alfred as hermes and thats why this took so long to finalize lmao#francis felt too Obvious. but his personality fits better than fred. and i also realized its my au i can do what i want! so! francis it is#anyway time for me to rest my hand and wrist bc ive been drawing for like. 6+ hours lmfao
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Not etho deciding to cut out the bit where he says "Oh you know we joked about not being serious teammates, but uh.. maybe... maybe..." because that looks really bad when he finishes the episode by joining cleo and the others
#nics rambles#ethoslab#wild life smp#wild life spoilers#tuff guys#sigh. just when it was starting to look like it would work out <3#so many interesting things here actually. like i could SEE etho really contemplating whether the trident is worth it and thinking through#how he hasnt actually done this betrayal thing yet and Maybe itll work but also the tuff guys arent REALLY a team so its fine#and well of course he should join a team of three winners (and impy i guess) what are bdubs and tango going to do for him???#and he also HAS to put that plausible deniability in there (“i mean ive been pretty#much betraying EVERYBODY this season but ill try my best“ ”im a terrible teammate- just putting it out there-“)#i need to study him like a bug#sooo excited to see where he goes but also if he betrays cleo he deaaad so. heh.
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suicide cw
look i have been in this area before mentally. it sucks and i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. but, and this is going to sound callous, but i don’t feel any sympathy for james somerton. even if i hope he’s like. not dead. But thats all the amount of goodwill im willing to give him. The more i think about this really, the more angry i am.
ngl this entire situation is another example of how white people weaponize their mental illness to avoid consequences. Im seeing it in real time.
this man has a continuous habit of using self-harm as a get-out-of-jail-for-free card. in both of his apologies, he has worded his supposed attempts in ways that were clearly meant to guilt people who displayed his plagiarism and overall horrendous history of racism and misogyny. i say supposed because, while i’m not saying those are lies and this would he such a fucked up thing to lie about that i don’t want to think he has, unfortunately, it’s been proven again and again that his word can’t be trusted, as he’s known to lie to try get out of consequences. Hes a proven liar. him lying about this is actually the best case scenario, because no one should go through this entire situation, wouldnt wish this on anyone, but you can only do this so often before people stop sympathizing with you. is this callous? Yeah, but like. I’m actually fucking angry he cant straight up take no as an answer. that this is how he reacts realizing he cant be one of the Cool Kidz™️ on youtube anymore. he acts like he DESERVES a career, like its not a privilege hes lost due to his own actions.
He lied about apologizing and forgiving people, he lied about giving the money to hbomberguy to give to ppl he ripped off (yknow, instead of doing it himself), he lied about the jessie gender situation and rewrote the narrative to make it so he isnt the bad guy, and hes the victim all along actually!
you can’t tell me that supposed last message of his isn’t meant to be a 13 reasons why esq attempt to deflect the blame “look i’m going to kill myself and it’s all YOUR PEOPLES FAULT for not letting me achieve my DREAM of being filmmaker IN PEACE!!! I just wanted Nick’s (the guy who I have thrown under the bus again and again) portfolio up!! Im just being a good friend dont you all FEEL BAD” he refuses to take ANY ACCOUNTABILITY of any of his actions and he IS STILL trying to shove the blame over to other people again.
it’s also pretty ironic people are like “uhhh well hbomber’s fans harassed him!!!” like hbomber outright told people NOT to HARASS JAMES!!! ALSO acting as if james doesn’t have a very real documented history of STRAIGHT UP sending his fans to harass and threaten smaller creators, more notably women, trans, and bipoc creators. especially after he’s stolen typically very personal anecdotes so he could profit from them. so why can he do it but the second people are like “hey this guys an actual piece of shit.” and he can’t handle it suddenly people are trying to white knight his shit? like no he doesn’t get that. he doesn’t get that at all just because he couldn’t handle the consequences of his actions.
what? were supposed to stay quiet about a man profiting off of other minorities because he wanted to be the spokesman for all gay people? people tried to solve this on a smaller, more private scales for YEARS and he kept doing it. it was clear that the giant public video was the ONLY way to get people to notice. HE WOULDVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH STEALING 87 FUCKING THOUSANDS WORTH OF DOLLARS. HE CANT HANDLE THE FACT HE CANT GET AWAY WITH IT.
am i supposed to feel bad for the guy who basically threatened a trans woman with the police? i don’t care what anyone says, it’s so fucking obvious that he threatened jessie by implying he was getting the police involved in their conflict. what am i supposed to act like that didn’t happen? are we supposed to pretend like he didn’t glorify nazi’s and outright said that gay people made up a good chunk of the nazis? That he didnt say america joined ww2 bc they were jealous of the NAZIS. WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU TO FUCKING SAY THAT. but then? He gives women (not even women most of the time, he misgenders nonbinary ppl constantly) shit for writing mlm. are we supposed to act like he doesn’t straight-up sees himself superior and better than people of color and steals their works to put himself on a pedestal? Are we supposed to act like he didnt spit on our elders by saying “only the boring gays survived aids” like man! Fuck you! He BLANTANTLY MAKES UP HISTORY TO PUT HIMSELF ON A PEDESTAL!! HE ACTIVELY TRIED TO REWRITE LGBT HISTORY TO SUIT HIS FUCKED UP NARRATIVES!
yes this sucks ! no one deserves this but no one should be making him a martyr. Thats what he fucking WANTS! He wants to be immortalized as a victim!! (again, supposedly, it was reported hes alive but its not confirmed).
The shit he got isnt near the amount of fucking callous behavior hes done again and again. Again, to drill this point, EVEN IF HE DIDNT CALL THE POLICE HE THREATENED A TRANS WOMAN INTO THINKING HE DID!!! The fact he tried to use a head injury to justify years of the outright ghoulish shit fucking astounds me. Why the fuck did anyone in his life thought it was a good idea to let him TRY to come back. in the end, he had options. he didn’t need to try to make a comeback. HE DIDNT NEED TO FUCKING LIE OR IGNORE THE SHIT HE WAS CALLED OUT ON the reality is, he wanted to come back thinking he could shove it under the rug, was told that no dude, you’re not allowed to be a youtuber anymore. you’re done. you need to move on and went full nuclear. it’s not on anyone’s hands but his own. HES BEEN DOING THIS TO HIMSELF!! But nah man we cant call his shit out bc hell may or may not kill himself. Fuck the other minorities who have the same issues but worse and sometimes BECAUSE of him. This is going to SUCKKKK so bad when other ppl, specifically white gays, are going to weaponize this shit to get away with their stuff.
#warning: do not read this post if you want me to be nice to james somerton. i am extremely mean in this post.#before anyone accuses me of shit i legit never contacted him myself or anyone involved. i am someone who witnessed this behavior repeatedly#again. i hope hes alive and well. the fact is him lying about this WOULD BE THE IDEAL SITUATION. BC NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THAT. but.#he HAS to forever be the victim in his eyes. attempting doesnt automatically mean youre free of sin.#its just terrible to see that regardless whether or not he did do it#its very clear his attempts to run away from his consequences are working on some people#we need to acknowledge that if your shitty ex friend can weaponize a threat to kill themselves#so can this internet person after being called out for horrendous shit#like what was the alterative? what were people supposed to fucking do? be nice about it?#yeah as if poc and trans women arent historically given shit for being 'too mean' about wanting justice.#this isnt just the plagiarism this is the fact a white dude has been parading himself as THE speaker for the gays(tm) but has been using hi#gayness to shield himself from his misogyny racism transphobia and antisemitism#its very clear regardless this means that ppl r going to side with him and then give him benefit of doubt#if you cant handle the heat stay out of the fucking kitchen dude. this is the consequences of your fucking actions.#hes a disgusting person who cant handle being told no so hes going to drag everyone down with him#like. idk this entire situation is frustrating to me.#its also frustrating ppl trying to be moral abt it like 'see! i knew this was bad all along!' no you didnt. shut it.#for the record im like mainly talking abt twit watching those spineless uwu cutesy ppl basically saying hes done noting wrong#oh and also alt righters who are clearly weaponinizing this where u know they wouldnt give a shit if a right ytber did this.#james somerton#idk might delete this later its just. ugh...
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#Jeong Nyeon: The Star is Born press conference#10th Oct 2024#Jung Eun Chae#all my thanks to PD-nim and the creative team behind JN#PD-nim has the vision for JEC as Moon Ok Gyeong and I will be forever grateful#like I am to the PD-nim and creative team behind ‘Sohn: The Guest’#for giving such amazing roles to JEC#and thankful to Jung Eun Chae for accepting and excelling in those roles#you all have my love as a fangirl#you made my fangirl dreams come true#THANK YOU ✨🤍🖤🫶🏽👏🏽#seated for JN#though have to be prepared to not have her onscreen most times#since Moon Ok Gyeong is at most a secondary character#I wonder which queer romance will be incorporated in the drama#at least please give us the obvious one of Ok Gyeong/Hye Rang#🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽#I do wonder whether PD-nim/writer-nim had ever watched TG and whether that show gave them any hints 🤔#because I watched TG and through my fixation am convinced JEC would be awesome for a more androgynous character#because JEC is one of the few K-actress who could carry stunningly gorgeous AND handsome effortlessly#but I hope there is little pushback on JN and its stories though#due to how much misogyny there is (overt or internalized)#especially not for wlw stories onscreen (mainstream) though I know it has already been done in some other dramas too#but JN is also women-centric and men are background characters at best#praying for success for JN and its casts and crew#I hope there will be better projects ahead for all involved#and especially wondering what 2025 will have in store for me as a JEC fangirl#but have heard little so far so am a bit concerned unless it is just because she wants to slow down???#JEC could really carry that suit 🖤🤍🤩🥰🥵#she looked so much better than some of the men I saw sporting similar fashion
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will they ever make a How Its Made episode on fursuits
#the grips of creativeprojects have their hold on me and im seriously debating whether i can pull it off#i wanna... i wanna make a cardboard magikarp costume for halloween..... i think i remember someone did smth similar#they made a ghastly costume and wore fishnets. sexy ghastly.. maybe its bc im fond of yuru kyara costume designs#i think i have the right equipment but ive never done smth like making a mask other than using a cardboard box.. so the sculpting#feels a little daunting#in the throes of fursona design hell rn so i should probably do that first. its probably a tiny dog with a 'true form' which is a really#big dog. like kerberos from ccs yk?? i always imagine myself as this tiny little thing but i always liked the idea of something bigger#hiding inside like a cicada skin. like some sort of angel in disguise.... except its this big terrifying creature (affectionate)#im also designing my brothers quackuza stickers rn though im so behind ive been working on this thing for months#yapping
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a lil itty bitty animation of @beechskullz's marcel :)
the original 3 panels were a redraw of something suuuper old that i never posted. i really missed animating and i'm kinda getting back into it when i have the time, even though it takes forever- but toonsquid makes stuff so AMAZINGLY easier for me i am in love with it. hard recommend
#nebbie's sketchbook#animation#marcel crow#that's a million errors in this but it was meant to be messy it's fine#doing his lil squiggly coat tails was fun :)#there's an unfinished msa animatic that's been sitting in my toonsquid gallery since like june#that i WILL be finishing whether god lets me or not#I WILL GET THAT DONE.#ITS SO GOOD.#can't wait for y'all to see that one#:)!!!#but for now you get my bi monthly posting
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grian etho evo au where when the server enters different versions of minecraft it sometimes fucks up and connects their world with other worlds and other lps from that specific version. grian is out thousands of blocks looking for clay and he stumbles across a weird little guy living in an ugly oak building with a creeper face on it talking to himself and when he tries to harvest The Clay outside his house the guy starts freaking out and threatening to kill him. its ethoslab at chocolate island who has until this point been convinced that he was in a singleplayer world. etho thinks grian was sent by spaz and grian thinks etho is a trick from the watchers. they both think the other is insane .etc
#sry on some kinda grian etho kick right now or something. dont know if this has been done before or if its a cool idea#also i watched evo smp recently.i am really nostalgic for beta minecraft for some reason#unclear whether they will recognize each other . i havent thought that far ahead#someone make something cool out of this.not me tho
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GUYS I JUST HAD AN EPIPHANY
APLATONIC LUCIFER
#GET IT CAUSE ITS#APL#in hindsight i probably could of used the OTHER aplatonic flag#with the yellow#but then my pallet would be VERY limited so maybe not#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel lucifer#lucifer magne#?#i think thats specifically his pilot name but i feel like using morningstar in the tags is just going to have awkward overlap#aplatonic#ive been toying around with aroallo lucifer#like#quiromantic doesnt realize he doesnt strictly love lilith in a romantic sense#thinks hes only attracted to women cause hes only ever 'loved' one person#(hes probably pan.. in an aspec way but pan nonetheless)#idk if hed ever get to this level of self awareness but if he knew he was aro+apl i think hed still call the way he feels abt lilith love#whether thats out of habit/tradition or like. secret third thing feelings idk#aroallo#aspec#the forbidden fruit of knowledge (love is fake!)#im NOT drawing him with a bow tie#im DONE#hes not WEARING A BOW TIE#especially not around his bare neck?#hes got a v neck for fuck sake!#ok im done#myart
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sometimes ya just gotta scribble your favorite character giving you words of encouragement. even if that favorite is a guy from your own brain
#shoutout to my Specialest Boy he always has my back#hes not a real person but he's got me!!! he always does!#he's been Getting Me Through It since eighth fucking grade!#whether its nice words or a mental slap and a Do It Scared#setting him as my home screen for extra Courage on this scary day#(have to apply for a job in person somewhere ive never been)#if i feel too nervous i can open my phone and look at his smiling face!#there is a gay ace gender-nonconforming man on my phone and he's 50% of my emotional support#IF HE DID ALL OF THOSE TERRIBLE THINGS SCARED THEN! THEN I CAN APPLY FOR A JOB!#said through gritted teeth and with panicked breathing#i really gotta work on that Do It For Him board...#absolutely unprompted#if i get this done he'd be proud of me and that's all i need#gazing at him lovingly. someday ill pay him back#i have years to puzzle out how i want to put him out into the world#since i highly doubt ill ever manage to get into tv business and make my own animated show#childish dreams! but they soothe me at night#man i just want him to be loved... OKAY IM GETTING EMOTIONAL time to cut myself off tags over
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hii!! can we get some platonic fuuta amane interactions please? thabks !!!
Ahh yes, thank you so much for the request! I love them so much ;--; They've been making my brain go brrrr lately with T3 possibilities, though I decided to stay away from the drama for now. Here something sweet after T1 verdicts but before the attacks -- they're just hanging out :3
Yuno smiled down at Amane, finding her hunched over a table of craft supplies with Fuuta. The guilty verdict had hit them hard, so it was good to see them in better spirits. She tried to peer over her shoulder to see what they were working on. “Aw, what are you two up to?”
Amane returned her smile. “Fuuta is teaching me to misbehave.”
His face twitched in horror. “Oi, you can’t just go around saying that!” He looked frantically at Yuno. “We’re just folding paper planes.”
Amane lifted her chin. “You said in middle school, you made them to throw in class.”
“I said my friends made them to throw in class. And it’s not like I’m telling you to throw them. I was just making them because there’s nothing better to do in this damned place. You were the one that said it looked fun and sat down to annoy me!”
Fuuta huffed at the accusation as Yuno walked away, laughing. He returned to the design he was folding. He hadn’t been giving an explicit step-by-step for each, but Amane was keeping up just fine. They each had a small pile of various plane designs they were adding to.
Running a finger along a new crease, he gave Amane a sideways look. “Though, you could stand to misbehave a little bit.”
“I did.” She reached forward to mimic the fold on her own plane. “That is why I’m here.”
“Eh? I don’t mean you should commit crimes!” He scowled. “I’m talking about normal kid stuff, nothing against the law. Like staying out too late, driving your teacher crazy, funny vandalism–”
“--Vandalism is against the law.”
“Oh come on, it’s harmless! Don’t even try to argue that a little graffiti is comparable to what got you here.” He rolled his eyes. “So? What about that other stuff?”
She shook her head. With neither disappointment nor pride, she said, “I never left my home at night. And my teachers were far too strict.”
“Aw, it’s the strict ones that are the most fun to prank!” He pointed to Amane, adopting the most persuasive voice he could manage. “You gotta do some of these things, or you’ll turn out with a stick up your ass. Like Kotoko, or Mikoto. Or a weirdo like Kazui and Mahiru. Shidou’s more or less normal, and he’s the type of guy to break some rules now and then.”
“And you?” She raised her eyebrows at him, feigning innocence. “I take it you turned out perfectly because you misbehaved as a child?”
“Hey, I never said I was a shining role model or anything. But I mean it. If you stay like this, you’ll grow up to be a boring loser, another cog in the wheel.”
“It is an honor to be a part of something bigger than yourself, to find belonging, and purpose.”
“Tch, don’t be such a pain!”
“I wasn’t.”
“You know that’s not what I was talking about!”
“What were you talking about, then?” She gave him the same expression as before, and wondered if could hide her genuine confusion.
“Don’t play dumb. I know working in a group is a good thing, but you don’t want to kill yourself for leaders that don’t give a shit about you. That’s a major issue in this country, you know? In government, and corporations, and all that. That’s not belonging, that’s just exploitation.”
Amane stayed silent.
Oblivious to the emotions flashing across her lowered eyes, he nudged her in annoyance. “And the best way to break from that is to loosen up a bit. So have a little fun now and then, jeez!”
She picked her creation off the table. She turned it over in her hands. It had come out perfectly sharp and clean. “I’m having fun now.”
Fuuta, preparing to argue with whatever she said, blinked. “O-oh.”
“At school, my favorite activities included choir practice and the arts. It has been difficult to sing here without accompaniment, so I am grateful to have the opportunity for crafts.” She looked at him earnestly. “Despite your past of disobedience,” she smirked, “I always enjoy your company.”
His expression twisted up, but he couldn’t hide the reddening of his ears. “What do I care if a brat like you likes my company?”
She smiled. “I’m not a brat. As established, I am very well-behaved.”
“That’s even worse!”
“Tell me about this plane, Fuuta.”
After sufficiently rolling his eyes and sighing, he agreed. He started explaining what made these planes different from the last: how they compared on speed, accuracy, and length of flight. It didn’t really matter if they were just going to toss them around here or the panopticon later, he thought it would be helpful to teach her anyway. Maybe if she ever was inclined, she’d remember which ones were best for pinpointing a teacher’s back, or a warden’s…
#milgram#fuuta kajiyama#amane momose#thank you for the request!! this was so fun aw#today on Fuuta Is Helpful But Has No Idea What Hes Doing#featuring Amane Understands Perfectly What Hes Doing But Isnt Going To Let On#im genuinely torn on whether fuuta actually broke any rules of if hes just as much of a goody two shoes as amane and trying to hide it#ive done whole anayses on why hes a strict rule follower#but also he seems like a normal kid who did normal kid stuff like that too#in my heart he does know how to paint graffiti but im not sure#so i kept it all vague whether he was actually involved or not lol#and he has no idea the extent of rule breaking that shidou has been involved with 👀👀👀 RIP#i wish i could describe the exact amane expression i was picturing but its somewhere between the sassy minigram face and just in general#the face kids make when theyre suspicious/smarter than you and smug about it#i love themmmmm#drabbles
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People are so okay with being a bad person, it's so scary, so so scary.
#</3#idk i feel like people can legit forget every good thing you have done for them#and it doesnt matter whether its in tens or hundreds lol#like so fucking easily#poof!#and they dont care cuz ofc they dont owe us anything#do they?#its not like i have been so good to you since foreve#but yeah oops you chose to forget that#my bad😃#sadness#ugh
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This is going to sound like the world's most brain-rotted thought but passerine by the oh hellos is martlet coded and canary in a coal mine by the crane wives is clover coded
#I KNOW I SOUND LIKE IM LOSING IT BUT HEAR ME OUT#i do not have nearly enough experience to fully unpack the christian context behind passerine BUT#i know for a fact that its about losing your faith in something after seeing the harm done in its name#specifically that one line My palms and fingers still reek of gasoline/From throwing fuel to the fire of that greco-roman dream#look. idk. something something martlet losing faith in the justice from the royal guards#and the guilt after basically marching clover to their own death#all the hopes of the underground lie on the shoulders of a bunch of human children and its the job of the royal guard to fucking kill them#AND CANARY IN A COAL MINE + CLOVER IS SOOOOOOOOO#THE QUESTION OF WHETHER YOUR WORTH SHOULD BE MEASURED WITH THE THINGS YOUVE GIVEN WAY INSTEAD OF WHAT YOU HAVE AND ARE#WOULD CLOVER BE AS IMPORTANT IF IT WERENT FOR THEIR SOUL??? WOULD THEY FORGIVE THEMSELF IF THEY CHOSE TO KEEP THEIR SOUL?????#WOULD A CANARY STILL BE LOVED AFTER IT STOPPED SINGING?????????#also because the When You Break The Surface Without Me line hurts like a bitch#god i havent been so unwell about characters since double life came out this is insane#fuck it yknow what im maintagging this#undertale yellow#clover undertale yellow#martlet undertale yellow#fweeet#if i have to deal with these thoughts in my head so do all of you
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sorry to log on n rant but i need to rant
#tbd.#ooc.#cw complaining#ignore the tags if u dont want to see how my life is going shdfhsf#so im doing my masters yeah#and im like. 75% thru#shouldve been done last month#but bc of the year ive had my uni adviser was rlly nice and sorted a way to extend my student status for another year#to get my dissertation done#like i did my 4 essays n now its just dissertation time#n i was supposed to start it now n get booked in with my mentor n stuff but i cant fucking log into the website#bc u need a MFA#and the MFA app my uni uses wont acknowledge me bc i have a different phone bc my phone broke#and a different number bc my phone contract got cut off#so idk what to do lol i cant log in and do anything#ive rang the IT desk for help 59w9er3424234 times#and everytime i get thru to the actual line n im taken off hold .. they hang up on me#idk if its a system error or my phone bc its a shit old one#but i cant do anything#and my universal credit claim got closed#non uk oomfs its a benefits system#n they help u with money to pay bills whether ur looking for work or unfit to work which is what my doctor said i am bc#my mental health and physical health combines to make me a super loser#n he thinks i might try to K word myself if i take too much on at once after eveerything#like i cant even sit and grieve my dad that died not even 6 months ago yet because i have to much shit to fucking do#like i cant afford to liven now#i cant pay my bills. they keep bouncing and coming back worse#i have debt collectors coming @ me#i am stuck in catch 22 man like not even my support workers can help me rn#and im very lucky that i own my own home bc of my car accident when i was 15 lol but everyone is just telling me to sell it
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I just did the hardest thing in my life.
Now I'm not sure how to go about talking about something like this.... i'm not all here mentally so just bear with me.... TW: Death, passing of a loved one, and organ donation. self harm mentioned.
I'm in Louisiana… Got here yesterday, everything feels like a blur… yet it feels like it's moving in slow motion…. It feels really good to see my stepmom, and stepsibs and my half brother Bear who came down to Louisiana JUST for me. Bear and our dad didn't really have a relationship, not the way I did with our dad. But Bear came down from Minnesota for me..... and I'm truly grateful for that.
My dad was legally pronounced brain dead on September 3rd 2024. Yesterday, September 4th, 2024. He had his Hero Walk from his ICU room to the ambulance bay…. i feel… I dont know… I've only ever have seen that on like med dramas before.. ya know? There's a place out here were they take him to handle as they put it "His gifts". Because he was an organ donor… I'm so proud of him for that Oh my gods I'm so proud of him for that…. but that walk… seeing all those doctors and nurses staff. some of who are my step moms co workers… it was the hardest thing i have ever done/ had been a part of in my life…. there is already a recipient of his liver. My dad is going to save someone else's life….. (we just got a call from the place that he went to, they were able to recover his liver, and two other things for transplants!!! THREE THINGS. MY dad is helping three different people!!!!)
Before we did the Hero Walk, Bear got to hang up a flag in honor of our dad. which was flown at half mast at the hospital. He's keeping the flag. Yesterday I had the honor of recording his heartbeat, and it's on my phone. I haven't listened to it since recording it.... I'm scared too, but I know that I wanna save up to get a Seattle Seahawks bear from Build a bear and put his heartbeat in that. I know it's going to kill me everytime I play it, but I think it'll also help???? the jury is still out.. lol
THe hero's walk was so surreal.... seeing that in real life.... I...I don't know how to process it... the doctors, nurses, and staff lined the hallways from the ICU to the ambulance bay.... it was so quiet, and I was sobbing the entire time walking behind my dad. He really is a hero... and my respect for him grew. I already had so so much respect for him. But wow.... The hero's walk was up til today, something I only saw on med dramas.... it felt so heavy, every single one of those people in those hallways had such a heavy look of respect and admiration for my dad. I feel like I'm shock kinda.... just a lot going on my head I cant keep things straight tbh...
Everyone has been a mess, but I think my stepmom and I take the cake on being a mess. (She doesn't have Tumblr, and none of my other family do so i'm not worried about them seeing this heh...) I have been dissociating a lot... I think... been blasting Sleep Token a lot to deal with this.... I never thought that my dad would be gone so soon... It's weird sitting in his chair writing this, knowing that he would usually never let anyone else sit in it... I have moments of hearing his voice when it's completely silent.... it's a sound that I will never forget, and his deep belly laugh when you would get him rolling.... his smile... Gods... I don't know how to feel.... it's weird to be here without him.... I wouldn't be sober if it wasn't for my dad, yeah I made the choice to get sober, but he helped me. He let me scream, cry, vent.... I didn't go to rehab, I literally detoxed on a greyhound bus on my way to Ohio. but when I got to Ohio. My dad was a Video call away, and I called him a lot. He didn't care about my ramblings, or the fact that I can never stay on topic.... he did the same thing.
We are cremating him, and having a wake for him with a viewing... which is going to be really hard for me honestly. After seeing him in the ICU.... but I think it'll be nice. and by cremating him. I'll be able to always have a little piece of him with me always. I just need to find something for his ashes, something that means something to both of us. Just us. I don't know where to even start... I'm not gonna be able to do anything until next month anyway...... I honestly feel so lost right now.... I keep thinking who am I gonna call. and my first thought is my dad....
I can't call him, and it hurts so much. But I know he isn't in pain anymore. He's with his dad, and grandpa. He's with my grandma, and aunts who loved him. But.... I feel lost... my heart hurts so much... I know that I'll learn to cope, and with a lot of time. It will get easier, but it doesn't feel like it. It really doesn't...
there is a GoFundMe going... i can get it from my stepmom if anyone wants it.. it was set up by a family friend.. just dm me I guess. i'll answer DMS but that's really it.
Me and my dad in 2019 in Idaho
This picture of my dad, I'm not sure when it was taken, but he looks so cool.
My dad when he was about 17 or so and his Mopar, this is my absolutely favorite picture of him. Picture courtesy of my Uncle Floyd on Facebook hehe.
Then these are pictures of his flag, the first three I took from the parking lot of the hospital. the last one my brother Bear took. I'm gonna post more photos of my dad. My Uncle Floyd, his brother is sending me a lot, and my stepmom and I are going through his facebook page and shes telling me stories about some of them. While going through some of his stuff... I know its soon.... but honestly... I'm keeping a lot of it. IDK where I'm putting it. But so far its mainly clothes, and stuff me and TJ one of my partners can wear. Might give my other partner a shirt if they'd like....
My dad is a hero, and is going to be saving someone's life tonight with the gift of his liver. I am so proud to be his daughter, but at the same time I am so hurt that he's gone. A small piece of him is going to live on with somebody else, whoever that is. I know they will be grateful for this, and that makes me happy. so happy, my dad loved helping people. So he is very much a super hero in my eyes.
Fly high daddy. I love you so much. You are saving one more life tonight, and I am so proud of you. So very proud to be your daughter, thank you for being my dad and one of my best friends. Even if you said that we weren't. I feel in my heart of hearts we were, I will never stop thinking about you. Or what you would do, or say. what jokes you would make, or how you say them. I love you so so much. I know you will be watching over us from now on, and that you wouldn't want me crying. But dammit dad... you know how I am... I can't help it... It's going to take a while before I can think of talk about you with crying. and you know it. you were always my hero for many reasons....
Do you know how hard it is going to be for me? Not being able to call you? Not being able to excitedly chitter to you about small things like my crystals or tarot cards? or...or calling you crying because I don't feel good or I have cramps and you make me feel better by making me laugh?? I know you know... I get the concept. heh.. But...I guess something is coming from it. I'm getting to know my Uncle Floyd better... He misses you a lot dad, Floyd loves you so much. He's sending me all of these really neat pictures of you guys... and he was making me laugh. Explaining the difference between having a mullet, and having long hair with bangs... lol
Floyd has been checking in on me and everyone almost daily, I haven't talked to him this much ever... which, yeah I know I can't take all the blame. He even said so.... You know you two are so much alike its kinda scary. heh. He called me princess the other day while I was on greyhound. I don't think he was thinking about it to be honest. He's been calling me kiddo a lot, kinda like you did. I think its cute. hehehe. But I think sadly this was the push I needed to connect with him more... He also has a really nice voice, just like yours. And the push I needed to connect with Kim more too.
I know that because of my mom, my relationship with Kim has been kinda weird. But I'm realizing that... some information was revealed and more clarified to me about certain happenings with my mom and wellll.... let's just say there are A LOT of emotions right now with that... I don't even know where to begin on that.... woooboyyyy dad... there's a lot to unpack there... and I know we've kinda touched on this crap here and there and really talked about things from your point of view. But Kim told me stuffs that.... Well I'm gonna need to talk to my therapist about it first because I really don't know how to process it. Because it was during the time I was treating you so horribly.... and I'm sorry... I didn't fully know or understand what was going on. I know I know I don't have to apologize for anything I know. But knowing this new information..... I'm sorry..... I'm so sorry. Ok i'm gonna try not to say that anymore. TRY.
I'm taking a lot of your clothes to be honest, oh and Ace is like my best friend now. Look! HE HUGE DAD HOLY FUCK
As soon as I started talking to Floyd Ace came out and started loving on me. I love him so much dad, he's so soft and sweet oh my gosh. But he misses you. He's definitely your cat lol for sure your cat. Everytime attacks Kim I giggle I can't help it. it's so funny, Tucker and Flash miss you too. Tucker has been so happy to see me. I love those dogs so much. I'm so happy to see them, and cuddle with them!!!! it's been so nice to be writing this and being able to set this aside to love on one of them for a minute. It's also been nice to spend time with Bear, We hung out a little yesterday.
He needed to run to Walmart, I tagged along cause well I wanted to go for a car ride. and I wanted to spend time with him too. He did drive all the way down here for me.... and yeah I know. I'm just glad he's here, he's getting some kind of closure with all of this... I know I've always been kinda like the fixer.. always trying to fix things... like relationships. like with my mom and Kim.
I now understand what was really going on... and I...I can't fix that. I can't, I have my own shit I need to worry about dad... like how i'm gonna live without you.... how am I going to do that?? I know I have TJ and Fruits... Kim, Bear, Floyd... Yes I've been constantly talking to TJ. I've been keeping him updated every step of the way....
But not you.... goddammit dad..... I know I'm going to be ok eventually, but this fucking sucks right now... My mind is racing, one minute I'm laughing about something you joked about or said, the next i'm shaking and sobbing because you aren't here... I feel like i'm constantly panicking.... I would totally lose my mind if I wasn't here with Kim and them... honestly I think if I wasn't here with them, I think I would be hurting myself right now or wanting to be really badly.... and that's a scary thought to be honest. I don't know if I do right now... but so much has been going on that I haven't really thought bout it frankly. I'm keeping a lot of your shirts for myself and TJ. I'm gonna see if J wants any of them. If not, well I'm not worried about it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I promise to take good care of your shirts that your dad gave you. I have a lot of good memories of you two together, so to have some of these shirts that I vividly remember grandpa Taylor wearing when I was little, then seeing you wearing them... now me... its.... very special to me. And I'm very honored?? I'm not sure if that's the right term, but i'm gonna go with it...Of course I'm taking your Kiss Blankie, and one of your Seahawks shirts. my favorite one. the one you always wore, you know the one. hehe. I even have the shirt J and I made for you when we were teeny tiny. My handprint is so small oh my gosh dadddd... I promise to take good care of it.
Gods....there's so much more I wanna say. But I'm not really sure how too... I definitely feel like i'm still in shock...I thought I still had time... Dad... You HAVE to tell people when you don't feel good, I know you don't like people worrying about you but... THIS IS WHYY!! GOD dad.... I'm happy your not in pain anymore I'm so happy for that, cause god knows that you hated it so much... But this was too fucking sudden for everyone. Too fucking sudden old man.... Christ... leaving me...us like this... fucking hell dad.... I just... I need you. here with me. I'm always going to need you. I don't know what I'm going to do without you.... you were a really good man whether you believe it yourself or not.
You ARE a good man, you saved three different lives.... but mine is going to be changed forever and you know how much I hate change like this..... Honestly personally I don't think I'll ever really get over this, or this trauma... I really don't think I will. I hate this so much I do. plain and simple. I want you here with me dammit, it's not fucking fair! It's so not fucking fair!! I hate feeling like i'm being selfish when I know this is normal....I feel like I have to be strong for everyone else I don't wanna be. I spent most of my life hating you because of my mom!!! I HATE MYSELF FOR THAT AND ITS NOT MY FAULT. I missed out because of her, and because she lied to me about a lot of things..... and that's time I will never get back with you.... that kills me so badly..... like oh my gods it hurts bad.... so much..... I know there is still a lot of high running emotions. But you know how strongly I felt and loved.... gods... How am I going to this without you? I know I will..... but right now...I don't know how... I really don't know how..... I love you so much this hurts so badly.... I don't think I can properly pet into words how bad i'm hurting.... how badly i'm missing you right now. I know for a fact that if you were here right now, we would be talking about everything under the sun. Gods I need that right now..... I really do daddy... I just wanna talk to you, and laugh and hug you.
I would give almost anything for just one more day.... just to hear your voice, see your green eyes. hear your laugh.... feel your arms around me... I am so glad that we were able to work on our relationship. So fucking grateful. you mean so much to me daddy, you really do. I hope you know how much you mean to me.... I really really hope you do . I love you dad. I will talk soon.... maybe... might start a sideblog with letters for you... I'll have to think about that for a little bit. But I love you daddy. I will talk you later. toodles....
#stoned rae#yes I have been very stoned writing this......#honestly.... it's its only thing I really can do.#although my stepmom has involved us kids in every step of this process....#and giving us a choice whether or not we want to bury dad or cremate him.....#it's nice#very nice.#but I'm ok but not ok.#I am safe#I am loved#a lot of back and forth emotions right now.....#BIIIGGGGGG FEEELLLIINGGGSSSSS#wooobooyyyy#we are cremating him.#We all want a lil piece of him with us#I feel proud of myself for being present for the conversation... I kinda remember it lol#but we all agree that we want to cremate him.#cause his other wish...#we can't do....#This man#wants to be buried ass up#butt naked#with a sign that says “Kiss my ass” and heavy metal playing in the background.#I think that would be funny as hell#but my stepmoms family#wouldn't like it that much#and well. I like my stepmoms family.#so we respect dem!#lol#Otay I done rambling
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