#where is my fucking cat 😭
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I'm gonna fucking vomit
I'm so stressed out
Like big time stressed out
Like fuck
Packing. Moving. Breaking lease. My cat is missing. One of my friends is making me her relationship therapist. The other is crashing out and doing every drug they can get their hands on while mourning a great loss. My right leg is literally swelling from the amount of pain I'm in. I didn't sleep last night. My room is a mess. The vibrator for my charger is missing. I'm out of weed.
I'm all out of weed...
😭 fucking take me out back and tell me to look at the trees when you blast my brains open
I'm this close to relapsing. Idk. I also drank my last bottle of vodka all night and now morning. I wanna cry. I wanna rot. I wanna check out. I can't be here anymore. But also I can't because if I leave that all to my boyfriend to do, while I just stare at a wall, I'd probably feel so shitty I'd want to kms even more like wtf do I do???
I'm at a point where I've scheduled a therapy appointment with someone who specializes in EDMR but also if I have to go another day feeling like this I might strip naked and set myself on fire in the parking lot, ya know????
I want to die lolololol
Fuck me. Fuck you. Fuck everything. Fuck shitty ass neighbors who threaten your animals and shitty friends who never ask how I'm doing. Like I love these people so deeply yet feel so hurt and rejected all the time. I've known some of my friends since kindergarten to highschool. And I have always been the therapy friend. Even when I am going through it I acknowledge my pain isn't as bad as everyone else's and I minimize myself and make myself small and shove myself to the sidelines because what I am going through right now is laughable compared to everyone else's bullshit. But it's ALWAYS like that. My shit is ALWAYS nothing compared to everyone's bullshit. When's my big mental break down??
Ugh I deleted like half of my rant cause it's dumb and nothing matters dude. I don't matter. It doesn't matter. And I've been trying to make everything not mattering a positive thing lately but holy SHIT is it slowly killing me.
If you read this far sorry for disappointing you. Idk how to finish a post properly.
#icantscreamwhycantiscream#tw#cw#vent#i want to peel my skin off#i know#im being dramatic#but like#im so overstimulated#and overwhelmed#like im fucking autistic#why am a responsible for so many things#where is my fucking cat 😭
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peak sadness
#hlm#hotline miami#osyan post#sad fucking cat#if jacket hlm (the guy) did not have a jacket (the clothing) in the game would he still be called jacket#english is not my main language so jacket as a name sounds normal to me and honestly pretty cool#its like jack but. jacket#LIKE THEFUCKING MEME WHERE THE FULL NAME FOR JIM IS JIMOTHY#😭😭😭
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GET FRAGGLE-IFIED‼️‼️‼️
So recently I’ve been more than a little obsessed with the 1983 Jim Henson company project called “Fraggle Rock,” about all these silly little muppet creatures having crazy adventures in the cave system in which they live, called, appropriately, Fraggle rock. After watching 3/4 of the seasons, I started doodling some of my fav cats OCs as fraggles, and it just sort of spiraled from there. So if I’ve sent you 🫵 an ask about the kind of clothing your oc would wear, this is why :D. Without further ado:
THE FIRST WAVE‼️‼️‼️
These are the tallest of the bunch, and they are, reading left-right left-right:
@gotham-native’s Calypso, @ernestelm’s Vega, @toki-toro’s Chaumet, and last but certainly not least, @cillyscribbles’s Tin Tin!!!!
#I DONT KNOW WHAT TO TAG THIS ‼️‼️‼️#I’ve been working on nothing but this for weeks#cilly thank you genuinely for keeping me going 😭😭😭#I’m so fucking obsessed with this show#I wanted to do this so so so bad I like cried thinking about it genuinely don’t know what’s wrong with me#ANYHOW!!!!#THESE WERE SO FUCKING FUN‼️#I missed drawing peoples OCs so badly#I don’t know why I stopped doing that#this was in fact the au I was working on btw#Fraggle rock au!!#calypso looks so cool and slay she was the last one I did and she’s so gorgeous#bc she’s a lil punk rock and fraggle-ified foxglove dresses the same#I kinda imagine he looks up to her a bit#thank you to pintrest for sponsoring this post/j#no but that’s where I got half the outfits done#got this project done literally the day before I go back to school ✌️#cats the musical#cats musical#cats oc#jellicle oc#fraggle rock#fraggle oc#I think those tags work? idk#sorah’s silly scribbles#fragglecats#this is so incredibly self indulgent maybe the first project I’ve done in a while that was specifically for my enjoyment lol
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thank god mash didn’t come out currently do you guys know how many always an angel never a god edits there’d be floating around of hawkeye
#that or where is my mind 😭😭#margaret would be paired with lana fucking CONSTANTLY#idk why but i just know beej would consistently be paired with all american bitch#hawktrap and cage the elephant songs ( this one i really wouldn’t have that much of an issue with )#charles would be unironically edited with doja cat and that shit would be SO funny#henry and potter would ( unfortunately ) be edited to cupcakke songs#radar would be edited to glue song or hell and back and the occasional pheobe bridgers song#klinger would be edited to lady gaga . or ( and i know this isn’t lady gaga ) the great escape specifically#or like just the thirst trap edits from tiktok 😭#father mulcahy would be either edited to mitski or the tiktok thirst audios and there’s unfortunately no middle ground for him#mash#m*a*s*h#mashposting#mash 4077#mashblr#hawkeye pierce#hawkeye#lgbt#lgbtq
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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i need to doodle vampire!kara when i get home...
#technically i've drawn him once before... but that was for a stupid nsft joke on my other blog so 😭#the kurokara dynamic in the vampire au is so silly goofy they're fucking ridiculous#it's one of the aus where they're enemies... well '' enemies '' they're basically in a cat & mouse situationship#they're that '' you should be addicted to shutting the fuck up '' meme. ya'll know the one#kuroba's been hunting him for over a century but doesn't kill him bc they like messing with him too much#meanwhile kara's kicking his feet in the air like '' i wonder if they'll come hunt me down today what should i wear? 😳 ''#mj rambles
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I feel like Kim and Roxie would have a cat that's an absolute fucking bitch to everyone but them and I felt like you needed to know this
(I should be revising rn and I'm thinking about this bitchass roxipine cat the brainrot is real)
Oh my god... just like my cat for real.....
(The bastard herself; I tried to find photos where she looked upset/angry but there are. So fucking many photos of her to parse through I cannot understate.)
Anyway. Y e s. I am ascribing to this.
#in the photo where she's biting onto my jacket: she wasn't upset w me or anything she was just being a freak 😭#i love sappho she's so fucking baby. she HATES strangers (especially strangers that are men) so she is a bit of an avoidant bitch to new pp#i imagine their cat would be less avoidant and more Confrontational about other people#didnt attach the photo of her i could use as reference to this but i also picture their cat liking to Loom Above for when they need to +#+ Strike Someone....#like scott comes over for a friendly little visit and he passes by the stairs or a bookshelf or something before anyone can stop him and +#+ just. WHAM. Angry/displeased cat to the face#asks#cassmouse#ooc#txt#roxim#roxipine#kimrox#drumswords#sp comic#spvtw#spto#might throw more tags on this in a second i just realized i started answering this before i went to see which discord tag was right-- *runs#their cat would not look like mine btw. i dont think at least. i may return with the Ideal Cat#best of luck with revisions btw!! i remember you posting abt them i believe...#to new ppl*... it said the l could fit why must it lie to me#ACK. THIS SHOULD ALSO GO IN#headcanons#scott pilgrim headcanons
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lupita making fan videos of her cat to glass animals 🥹🥹🥹 the strides this woman is making in sexy cat lady representation. gone are the days when getting a cat after a breakup over the age of 40 was seen as tragic and life ending
#jrnlsht#i have been hyper aware of my age this weekend#just a lot of little reminders that guys my own age or even five years older see me as totally lacking in desirability#like im totally invisible at this point except to old men#not that I was desirable in my youth either but i was aware that i was young and that made me valuable as a romantic partner in some way#it feels as if now im forced into an asexual role where looking *hot* is basically impossible ever again#which is fine bc my career is in such jeopardy that i shouldn't be paying any attention at all to my sx life but#that part of me that is so desperate to be wanted also feels worse than ever#which just seems backward#why the fuck couldn't that feeling go away along with my youth instead of getting stronger -_-#i was complaining about this to ethan and telling him about some of the things i had happen here in LA#and his advice was basically just give up 🙃 accept the old lady lifestyle#and then he teased me mercilessly about my crush on geno and how creepy im being with my hat and my sculpture 😭#and i was like fantasy is all i fucking got dont take that away from me#i cant even have the companionship of a cat. pls my life is so sad
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had one very short interaction with my mother-in-law and once again I think I won't get through living here until the end of March :)
#she drives me insane#she asked something. I answered. she goes 'okAaaAayyyy?' in the most irritating tone ever.#like what is wrong with you. what.#she's so fucking irritating. truly the most joyless serious bitter person I have ever met (and I have met my mother so...... that's saying#something)#it's just. man social interaction is already so difficult but she just. makes EVERYTHING weird.#literally dude all I said was that yes everything's great with me and the cats 👍 how ELSE was I supposed to respond to that??#I know I'm overthinking it and being a horrible ungrateful little bitch but god I just can't stand her#I don't CARE what they do for us I still just don't like them 😭 yes I know I'm the worst 😭#my husband had to promise me that I won't have to see them more than twice a year once we move. I just. they drain every last bit of life#and joy and happiness out of everything#drives me insane#anyway I'm done being an asshole for now#been trying to take a tumblr break but where else would I complain about this.#personal
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i need to stop having dreams where i get a new pet because then i WAKE UP AND THEY’RE GONE 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#had a dream about adopting the tiniest little puppy named angel….. and then he grew and he was so so big but still liked to flop in my lap#like he was when he was tiny 😭😭😭#AND a few weeks ago i had a dream about adopting a cat and then i woke up and i was like WHERE’S MY FUCKING CATTTTT#sobs.#lu.txt
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my entire family goes to bed at 9:30 because i live with fucking old people (im joking. somewhat.) and from then on i have to move around the house quietly. this wouldn't be a problem except that my door is incredibly and uniquely fucked up and nigh impossible to open even remotely quietly
#and it can't be left open because the cat will beeline into my room and make my life hell#every door in my house is absolutely fucking horrible in its own way but my room is really bad#the doorknob is like. dislocated. or just made for a much thicker door because the middle part of it is like 3 cm too long#and i either have to align it carefully or pull on it (makes a very loud sound) and then using a very specific amount of pressure turning#while continuing to pull on it so it won't pop#oh and i can technically open it turning both directions but going right makes it pop so fucking loud it's actually ridiculous#the very unpleasant sound of painted metal on painted metal#kiwifae says shit#my partner of two years is just getting the hang of my bedroom door#my friend came over and literally got stuck in the bathroom cuz she couldn't make the door open again#she literally tried for a few seconds and then just yelled for me 😭#that door also pops open randomly sometimes. i do not know why. it didn't use to.#back when the front door was still semi functional i had to fish the literal latch out of the cavity in the lock with a screwdriver cuz my#mom kept slamming the door and misaligning it even though we told her that's what fucks it up#we can only deadbolt that door now. it literally won't close otherwise. (that's how we lost the cat for five days!)#(back when it still semi worked i was the only one who knew how to close it at just the right strength so it would stick but not fall out)#((why isn't there an eye twitch emoji))#but our other outside door exclusively has a deadbolt. that's the only mechanism.#i'm the fucking door wizard in my house and i cannot WAIT to move somewhere where i have functional semi modern door handles#gawd bless i want to kill my fucking landlady
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Why did I start like three other projects when I was already working on a big project when I just got hit with the autism exhaustion beam (requires. At least One Full Day just dead in bed, and then some more Taking It Easy time after)
#i don't even know what prompted it...#hit w a vision. not enough time to execute it. hit w a vision. too tired to execute it.#i guess technically it was just two huh. but all the moving parts made the other one feel like two in and of itself#oh. now i remember there was another shitpost behind it. i just. didn't get to.#thinking about bruno... thinking about anna... thinking about the fairies... thinking about mirabilis specifically actually#she gets the short end of the stick characterization wise and it's such a shame.#to the point where i was unsure what to do w her... i think i got some ideas rattling around though#I CAN... GIVE HER.... SO MUCH MORE.... without changing too much about her. i just need to extrapolate.#hits her w the disability beam. idk if it's also autism but she has some sort of chronic condition#that just makes you. so tireds. moe and mira shaking hands. let's lay down and rest together.#also thinking about the subtle differences between a full dream and a daydream... between sleeping and just resting#and. making her kitty coded. she is such a kitten pile type girl. she is such a lap cat. queen of catnapping#which i'm thinking works really well w peony and even sharena. not so much moe though 😭💔#i want to capture a playful side. and maybe even a 'i'm still figuring out how i feel about that' side to her#like... i'm imagining peony as someone who's surprisingly insightful and emotionally intelligent.#she's got it all figured out. she already knows. she's not always right. but she tends to know what's up#i'm thinking... maybe mira isn't quite there yet. or struggles to see outside of herself. for obvious/understandable reasons#but she has that unwavering desire for joy and comfort the way peony does. she may feel a pang of jealousy here and there#but it doesn't get in the way of her goals and wants for others. which may be the defining factor actually#like obviously this could get messy if you simplify it too much into 'good' or 'bad'. bc all these girls are DIRECT reflections#of each one's trauma response. assigning morality to that is fucked up. but for story purposes... maybe freyja/freyr did. to a degree.#bc maybe they're flawed and fucked up too. it's about The Cycles. i'm getting so lost in the sauce though LMFAOO#i am GOING to do SOMETHING. for mirabilis. mark my fucking words.
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I love watching bpd gals on tik tok but it feels so unrelatable. Like you have enough money and resources to just constantly be in and out of mental hospitals then travel to 100 different countries and come home to your mansion 😭 why does EVERYTHING on tik tok feel unrelatable. Like how are you eating like this everyday? I only work 2 days a week but when I do work I am not attempting to make full planned healthy meals. If it fits in my mouth it goes in it
#personal#I need a high functioning bpd gal to watch or something#where are the gals who have never been to a mental hospital but are constantly going insane and wishing they were#but holding it all together with a paperclip because being percieved in a negative light makes their skin crawl#like if I could cut myself I'd have probably done it a few times but I live in fl with my grandma#I'd rather fucking DIE then have to explain myself about it. like actually . I don't have time to be a fuck up#but I wanna be a fuck up 😭 I wanna do drugs and slit my wrists and down a whole bottle of pills#I flirt with the idea of going absolutely bat shit insane. then I realize I will be percieved about it and die again on the inside#I don't see enough bpd rep where there's people genuinely barely holding it together behind the scenes while everyone thinks they're doing#great#I CONSTANTLY fool everyone#I told my friend the cuts on my arm were cat scratches and she was like yeah I figured you're not the kinda person who does that#yeah Youre so right 🩷
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I'm so excited to move out....
I can't sleep😫
#bruh#i also just realized that I forgot to pack yesterday while I was off#so ill have to pack today#start some laundry#dump my ex's clothes out of my tote#unload dishwasher#pack my clothes#prep stuff for my dad to help me move#KITCHEN TABLE?! FUCK#im definitely moving the cat last to try and avoid issues with her#i need to buy cat food and food bowl#set up the gravity water for my ex's cat (just because you dont like your ex doesn't mean you abuse their pet... I fucking love his cat...*#* She's basically my baby now... seriously I have that cat spoiled lol... If I can work out a living situation where I dont have to move in*#* with my cousin.... Im GONNA adopt another cat. i love cats)#i shouldn't have too much to move since I've downsized... a lot... sold my mini-fridge 😭 made the -easy- decision to leave my furniture*#*(an old power-lift chair that no longer works. some Mainstays shelves and entertainment center - they're almost 10 years old. cost $50 and*#*are made from particle board. they've been moved 3 too many times and they're falling apart) these were hard decisions tbh#im leaving a complete set of Mainstays dishes (cheap. i dont want them. my ex needs dishes. etc)#my mind is awake with all these plans... but I have to work tonight and i need to sleep (luckily I went to bed early)#i need a shower caddy. another (dedicated) dressing gown. a Jeep Wrangler (i hate them but they can tow mid sized campers and like. if I en*#*enjoy living like I will... Maybe I'll just make it my lifestyle) I know well-off people have made unconventional living trendy. but like.*#*Im a poor and it's more viable to live in the camper my parents bought on relatively cheap campgrounds#bro
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moved the shamrock i brought home from my mom's ancient plant down to my desk 'cause it wasn't getting enough sun where it was before, and mallow has eaten like. three leaves. already.
plant toxic u stupid cat, and BITTER. why are you EATING HIM.
#it was already doing so much better 😭#now i'm gonna have to move it somewhere else#might cry#i grew up with this stupid plant having one of its propagated children is very like. a little home. on my desk.#there's nowhere i can put it aside from on top of that bookshelf where it was before that he can't eat it#it's been literally my lifetime of cats NOT eating this fucking plant why is it my stupid son who decides it's a snack
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Hmm is this burnout (overdoing everything bc the craft show is SATURDAY) or just a depression episode? Or both??
Either way this shit sucks I have shit to do
#marquilla#i have to get shit packed. fill the handwarmers. fill the cat toys. make the bunnies. finish the teeth. deal with the necklaces and clean#the display stand. and then we're gonna have to pack all this shit up in my car 😭 thank god i have a wagon dgdgdgdg#i didnt use it at the Big Show one and i had to walk across the whole parking lot AND the school hallways AND the gym 😭 i was dying#and in not craft show stuff i have to sort and clean my salads for the week (i really wish josie's organic fucking had quality control or#something bc my salads will be a best by date 7-10 days away and ill have to throw out a quarter of it bc it's rotting or turning#there's no other option besides make my own and ADHD tax... Dole salads are too expensive for what you get and theres no other#premade just greens salad where we shop 😩#like the parts that ARENT rotten or turning make a great salad but i hate that i have to sit down and sort through it#oh and i have to sort the red lettuce from the greens bc that rots faster and the stiffer greens last longer#i get those big tubs of salad and split it into four portions and will eat the whole portion as a meal shdhdhhd
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