#whenever i think about her for too long
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she’s a weapon. shes a liar. she’s a girl. she’s a saint. she’s a god. she’s frankensteins monster. shes a war machine. she’s a loyal daughter of the nation. she’s a liability. she has the power to warp reality. she’s filled with unfathomable kindness and empathy. she loves her mother. she hates her mother. she killed her mother hundreds of times over. she wants to make things better. there is no way to make things better. she’s dying. she’s already dead. she’s a murderer. she’s a monster. she wanted to be a ballerina. i didn’t say her name but it popped into your head did– [i am unable to finish the sentence as i collapse sobbing to the floor]
#val……oh val……..#literally if i loved her less i would be able to talk about her more#unfortunately my brain descends into a wall of static and raw bleeding feeling#whenever i think about her for too long#*stares in podcast rambling*#tsv#the silt verses#the silt verses season 3#val tsv
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i genuinely think if moira didn’t interrupt them this scene would’ve built up to a kiss scene
GAHHSHRHEHHW
once again back on my moira mactaggert hate train
erik should’ve shot her the gun is right there
who cares what the president has to say let the gays have their moment! god woman give it a rest!
IM SORRY THIS IS MEAN BUT SHE PISSES ME OFF WHENEVER SHES ONSCREEN
the first time i watched this movie i actually cheered when erik started choking her
crying
does anyone have any fics where they weren’t interrupted? there’s probably a few but idk what exactly to search up
moira has some kinda plot armor
knock charles out and then kill her idk
need to call up magneto for this
they couldn’t show the rest of the mutant road trip cause they were getting touchy feely with eachother 🤨
erik went to go cry in his bedroom afterwards
moira gives me “move over boys! let a real woman deal with this 😏😌” vibes WHILE SHE DOES NOTHING
for some reason i can appreciate moira in other things like the animated series or maybe the comics (i haven’t read many) but with the movies i want to bring back public execution
people write her way better in fanfics honestly
anyway gonna go buy a dart board then print a picture of her and use her face as target practice toodles
#anti movie moira mactaggert#genuinly seething whenever i see her#no hate to actress btw#its the character i despise#i try to be creative with threats cause just wishing someone a quick death is boring#i’ll pour dangerous chemicals in her shampoo#that’ll show her 😏😎#i think im talking like a ye olde villian help#im twirling my ridiculously long mustache send help#im evilly stroking my cat as i reveal myself this isnt funny anymore 😧#Ah! Ms Mactaggert i’ve been expecting you!#But you’re too late! As i have already launched the missiles which will strike america!#MUHAHAHHAHAHA#What! a gun? How foolish of you to think that will stop me!#*bang* NO!! MR.TIBBLES!!!!#SHE SHOT MY CAT#adding onto the list of reasons i hate moira#i got a bit distracted#cherik#charles xavier#erik lehnsherr#x men#moira mactaggert#xmcu#xmen first class#only good thing about her is she brought cherik together but like it would’ve happened anyway so
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It doesn’t really hit home how much I’ve screwed up at life until I realize I have literally no one I can call without hesitation about [problem]
#don’t talk to any high school friends anymore except for like a once a year text catch up with like 2 of them#don’t really talk to any college friends either even though it’s been less than a year????#and the last time I tried it did not help at all#the only friend I can think of who explicitly said I can call her whenever is really busy rn#and I tried to hash this out with her not too long ago so I don’t just wanna repeat myself#NOT comfy talking to family about this and anyway my brother reported another typical lack of communication skills moment that happened at#home today#hhhhhh#I never felt like I was doing anything wrong in the moment but apparently I am actually really bad at friends and relationships#and it’s not like anything bad has happened with friendships????#when it’s good it’s really good but no object permanence lmao#so anyways#I’m really glad the semester is about to start and I’ll be able to go to adoration and daily mass regularly again#feel like I am going INSANE#p
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sorry if idk this but what do you think about Wordgirl now in 2024 do you still like it do you still want to make art or talk about it or are you just done with all of it forever and plus i seen that you haven't made art of it since 2022 so you just done with all of it oh yeah and what about The Magnus Archives + Wordgirl ao3 fic too like is that just going to be and i know that your working on 2 au's now just wanting to know that's all
My interests tend to come in intense bursts and then fade. Unless something like, big happens like it gets a reboot its unlikely I'll be coming back to it anytime soon. As for the fic I don't have any current plans to finish it unfortunately.
#Its so shocking whenever anybody mentions that fic to me#like its just such a specific combo of interests how are there this many people interested in it...#I have some fragments of unfinished chapters for it laying around but I was struggling to get them to work#and I definitely dont have the motivation to finish them now#If youre curious the chapters were going to be Slaughter avatar miss Power and Web avatar Mr Big#and possibly Flesh avatar Butcher but I never got around to starting that one#The Miss Power chapter was basically going to be about her having kind of lost her thread#I wanted to leave a lot of ambiguity as to what happened with her home planet#but she hadnt been in contact with them for agessssss and her radio is damaged and her ship is in bad shape#the chapter was just going to be her being like 'pfff I dont interpersonal connection Im doing great out here. Murdering. All on my own'#Well she has her little squirl thing but she treats him like an animal#mr giggle cheeks or whatever#anyway I wanted it to imply that whatever happened her bloodthirst was destroying her#The Mr Big chapter was from Lesley's perspective#She would have been one in a long long line of assistants that Mr Big went through like candy#Lesley is his favorite though because. while she is terrified of him. shes still willing to push him. to be honest with him#but she also knows exactly when to step off. when to lie to appease him#( its always a tossup as to whether he wants a sweet lie or the harsh truth that day. He can always tell either way#its a gamble he does to be cruel. She always picks right though. or maybe he's more lenient with her than he should be)#He likes that she knows exactly how to push him without ever stepping over the line#He likes that her guilt and revulsion are slowly eating her up inside but shes too selfish to leave#She likes being special. She likes the idea of ruling the world alongside him#She'll always be second in command but shell be so much higher than everyone else#and shes willing to do anything to get that#Mr big doesnt think shell ever make it that far#but he likes her anyway#shes the one assistant he'll be sad about dying#OK damn apparently I did still have things to say about this old fic DAMN#still not gonna finish it tho. they call me the struggler becaus.e writing is a struggle...
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Thinking bout the time someone yelled at me because they didn't understand butches.
#feeling some kind of way about telling queer stories lately#and what makes something “queer enough”#which. in my opinion is that any story I tell is queer enough because I am a queer person telling stories about queer characters#but there are always going to be people who call that into question if boys arent kissing boys and girls arent kissing girls#in easy uncomplicated ways#looking glasses is meant to be messy#everyone is at turning points in their lives. they're young adults whose identities and relatio ships aren't fully formed yet#but those complications (in my opinion) are what make the story queer#what are dess's pronouns? she/her but only because she hasnt had a chance to think about anything else#when an overbearing mother got her daughter back after they were missing for years#she might have a hard time adjusting to her child maybe not being her “daughter”#which is queerer: two women getting together or breaking up?#i dont think it matters#but I find these in between spaces interesting to explore#and it's my story that I'm doing for free#so even if dess looks too much like a man#i dont owe it to anybody to conform my story to someone else's expectations#(long ramble that probably isnt very coherent)#(i've just been thinking about some of this stuff lately. and this is the funniest response I've ever gotten to the comic)#(like yeah. she is a girl. good job!)#(i dont often get hate on the comic (which I'm glad for) so whenever I do I find the types of hate really fascinating)#(and dont worry. I got this months ago. I've just been thinking about it again recently and laughing)#nickel for my thoughts
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Do you like overwatch - and if so who's your fav?
//long drag of cigarette// overwatch huh.... havent heard that name in years..... i remember her fondly tho...
#snap chats#i did love overwatch for a while IM SORRY#thats why i love rivals ig ..... im already used to hero shooters and all now i just get to play with my favorite dolls jvLEAKJAK#as for faves Of Course i have faves for each role: sigma hanzo zen#zen and hanzo were def my main picks i think last i checked i had 150+ hours on zen and i think 120 on hanzo?#i didnt play tank much once overwatch. ''''''upgraded''''''' to 2 but in OW1 i pkayed dva and zarya a lot#tho at a point i did pick tank back up and i'd play sigma ... i love grandpa..... also a very strong and balanced tank he's excellent#sigma AND ramattra oh my god i love ramattra so much hes so cool ... and sexy Now Who Said That#i actually wanted to be a sym main when i first played OW but i couldnt get into her.. i still think she's cool tho..#mostly cause whenever id join a game we'd need a healer so <:) id pick zen.. but i genuinely love zen too !!!!#he's so fun to play i love me a lil robot monk !!!!! also he has a takoyaki skin and takoyaki is Top Five Food Ever to me#anyway... the last tiem i played overwatch was maybe two years ago???? def a long time#uhhhh honorable mention is reaper ..... of course i love Death. also flanking and kiling as him was just gen fun#and i mean while 76's playstyle wasnt ever my faovirte .. i did think he was kinda fine tho ... yk before they gave him a FUCKASS BEARD#see thats where my disdain for beards began. also that haircut Stop That. What Is That. he looked so much cooler with the mask..#ive rambled about OW enough tho. i could prob go on forever i really did love this game when i played it lol ...
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The JD vs Amber Heard stuff was actually insane. I didn't keep up with it because I disagreed with the sheer principle of publicizing something like *that* but the misogyny was MASK OFF...
NO LIKE FRL IT WAS SO INSANE
#ask tag#Tbh like#The thing is i’d already known and been misinformed about the case for a long time prior so I started off thinking depp was innocent#And then I remember when I realized he was very much not partially Bc of the hate I was seeing towards Amber Heard#Like the exposed texts of him saying extremely sexist violent stuff about her and everyone just dismissing that#It became clear that I was wrong from the get-go like that he actually was horrible and I assumed everyone else would realize that too#but then the more ppl dismissed or mocked the real indisputable evidence she brought up#The more I saw that ppl didn’t actually care#They were just excited to be evil and dismissive towards a woman#Lmao sometime after that I stopped giving a fuck about “male mental health” bc clearly they’re not being as shunned as they pretend they r#Sorry is that controversial#I’m just saying if u reversed the genders that trial would’ve played out way differently#The concept of male victims and men with poor mental needing extra attention and care bc theyre sooo marginalized bc they’re men#And they dont get respect and support like those selfish abused women#Should’ve died after this case#Bc whenever there are male victims they get all the support and attention from everyone#Female victims get This#Like dont get me wrong there’s stigma#But the stigma for male victims is “lol you’re like a woman now that’s funny” “lol so r u gay”#The stigma for female victims is “you evil bitch how could you ruin his life you deserved worse you bitch”
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perfecting the art of telling things to my mom that if i said it all plainly would get me in trouble so i rephrase the entire thing so i can still tell her about it and chat with her without getting in trouble
#you may think “why do you talk about fandom stuff to your mom thats weird” yes i know and i still kinda tell my mom everything#not Everything everything. but like a lot.#she’s been the only one i can talk to about a ton of stuff for sooo long though#unfortunately so much of what i like now would get me in trouble or start uncomfortable talks that would give me too much anxiety#so i take a million steps whenever i talk to her to avoid both those things#while still getting to tell her about stuff i like :3
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"Maria and Rhett knew each other way back when, they went to high school together. (...)Yeah, I think the spark is immediate because I think they maybe, secretly, always wanted to be together."
"I think that it's one of those relationships that never happened and never was but it was almost. And, I think, spending so much time apart, one can tend to fantasize what could be. (...) All of that ease of them seeing each other again is right there and it's almost as if they never left each other's side." - Isa and Lew on Maria and Rhett in an interview with Down and Nerdy(x)
"I also love that I get to tell a story about love in this really crazy, scary world(...) and we really want to root for them!" - Isa in an interview with SciFi Vision(x)
#outer range s1#maria olivares#rhett abbott#rhett x maria#isabel arraiza#lewis pullman#tw: alcohol#tw: flashing lights#another last s1 gifset before s2#i know most of you are rhett/lewis fans but please no maria or maria/rhett hate here! thank you!#can't wait to see them together again and how their relationship evolves(or falls apart?)#again sorry about the shitty coloring#i love how smiley she is when she kisses him in their first and last kiss scenes#i actually watched all three of their interviews together but didn't know where to put them#here's to no love triangles or cheating or babies! don't have them destroyed like bodiela was for me#lol his smile before he asks her if the beer is for trevor was so cute... had me giggling and kicking my feet for real#i hope lewis and isa get to do press together in person but i really doubt they will because lew could be filming something?#i would settle for even another zoom call interview#i found out from a podcast not too long ago that they maybe didn't do a chemistry read... wow!#the smile after she hands him a beer is adorable#tw: alcohol?#if maria teaches him spanish i will sob#honestly whenever i think of their flirty banter i think of lew talking about to flirt to roast ratio a little bit
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loving and moving my body this week (06.11.-12.11.)*
Monday. 20 MIN EVENING PILATES TO RELAX AND FEEL CALM - EASY AT HOME WORKOUT
Tuesday. Beginners Belly Dance Tutorial | Beautiful Hips & Arms!
Wednesday. Everyday Pilates Mobility and Stretch | Posture, Hips and Hamstrings
Thursday. Victoria's Secret Train Like An Angel Live: Martha Hunt + Ballet Beautiful
Friday. 20 MIN FULL BODY PILATES WORKOUT FOR BEGINNERS - AT HOME PILATES or Waistline Shimmy | Belly Dance Workout
Saturday. 30 MIN FULL BODY PILATES WORKOUT FOR EVERYBODY - AT HOME PILATES
Sunday. "Chocoholics" Valentine's Day Waist Winding Workout
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* the idea here was to find fun little ways to stay active according to my schedule this week. This is completely 'no suffering, joy only'. :)
In case the suggestion doesn't feel right for that day, here are some alternatives (12 minutes or less, can also be used as add-ons). No shame in taking it slow! Let's move according to our needs! :) nightime flexibility stretches // bedtime yoga stretch to release stress & tension // 8 min beginner's ballet flexibility. // 10 min | Beginner Belly Dance Workout | Slow & Smooth Tutorial // 15 min Gentle Pilates Workout For Beginners
#my personal highlights for this week are - well. most of them tbh.#the Saturday one is new and I don't think I've done 30 minutes with Isa before? that's exciting.#I'm also really looking forwards to the Victoria's Secret Angel one. I've been meaning to try those videos for SO long and never did#so this is my excuse to finally do it! <3 I'm excited. If it's too hard I'll most likely add it again a few times#like the waist shimmy vid! I thought I might add it in the evening during the second half of the week whenever I feel like it#we'll see how often I really end up doing it hah.#but I also wanted to add something new so I put a new one on Tuesday. exciting!!!#I really liked Lottie's energy - I tried her for the first time last week and liked it a lot! she explains things very well imo.#I'm excited about Wednesday's stretching one in particular because i've been MEANING to add more stretching to my routine#and oooooh I'm pumped for Sunday again!!! I remember doing this one a WHILE back and I just love Tiffany#I feel like she's perfect for sundays with her high energy dancer sensuality and this looks so fun!!#I try to balance new things / dancing / pilates -- relaxation / energy#Museenkuss#Workout
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Finding "the meaning" to a show that could have had up to five or seven seasons but was cancelled after the second is somewhat like trying to understand a novel composed of seventy chapters by having read only twenty — there is a whole wealth of information which we do not possess that could alter our reading of any given element or of the entire thing in itself.
Still, there are always patterns that weave a story into a cohesive unit and they can help us to better grope in darkness towards comprehension. One such pattern in Warrior Nun appears to be how the consequences to mistakes, "sins" or evil deeds committed by characters manifest.
Basic storytelling usually requires characters to act on something so that complications or resolutions may arise from their choices and move the plot forwards. In Warrior Nun, many of these actions are quite tragic in nature: Suzanne's arrogance and pride lead to the death of her Mother Superion; Vincent's allegiance to the higher power he believed Adriel to be inspired him to kill Shannon; Ava's flight from the Cat's Cradle ends up damning Lilith as she is mortally wounded and taken away by a tarask... All of these events have negative outcomes and heavy repercussions on all characters directly or indirectly involved. Something changes permanently because of them, be it in the world around them or within the characters themselves.
And yet, it would seem that all of these dark deeds not only move the story forwards but might also have overall positive results. We would have had no protagonist without Ava — and she would arguably never have received the halo to begin with had she not been murdered. What's more, on a personal scale, the horrifying crime she suffers is, in the end, the very thing that allows her a second chance in life, a new life.
An act of outside evil permits Ava to grow and develop, shows her a path she would not otherwise have found. Without her own season in some sort of hell, Lilith would not have been able to advance towards other ways of being and understanding beyond her very strict limitations. Vincent and Suzanne would not have embarked on their own journeys of enlightenment without having caused the pain they are responsible for.
Beatrice might have been paying for someone else's mistakes, but she, too, is given the chance to grow into herself through it. The afflictions that torment these characters advance the overall plot, but they also advance them, as individuals, as long as they are willing to learn and keep going despite the calamities large and small that they are faced with. Beatrice keeps going after parental rejection, Mary keeps going after losing Shannon, Jillian keeps going after losing her son (in part through her own actions, adding insult to injury)... Trouble and the adaptation that follows it, if one is open enough to learn from the experience, motivates the characters, propels them forward, teaches them.
The problem of evil has occupied the minds of many a thinker throughout the ages, given how the very existence of it, evil, might call into question that of God (a good, omniscient, omnipotent one, anyway). A common way of justifying suffering (and also God), then, is by claiming, as Saint Augustine, that "God judged it better to bring good out of evil than not to permit any evil to exist".
Now, it would be rather ridiculous to say of Warrior Nun that it follows in Leibniz's footsteps, also because this philosopher, expanding on the augustinian concept, attempted to defend the goodness of a real God with his "best of all possible worlds" while all we have is... Well, whatever/whoever Reya is.
But there seems to be an inclination towards some sort of optimism as a worldview nonetheless.
Betrayals reveal truth and grant knowledge (Vincent's culminates with the coming of Adriel, which allows us to know of the threat of a "Holy War" and thus prepare for it; Kristian's gives Jillian much needed insight, William's lights up the fuse for the fight to be taken more seriously...), crimes committed willingly or not open the way for Ava (Suzanne's killing of her Mother Superion causes the loss of the halo, which is transferred to Shannon, whose death opens the gates for Ava to walk through after being herself murdered by sister Frances)... The magnitude of these positive outcomes is perhaps not "balanced" when compared to the evil that brings them about, but there is still something to take out of the catastrophe.
However tragic the tones of a given event, the show itself appears to shun the predetermination that makes tragedy as a genre; if everything is connected, here it at least appears to not necessarily drag everyone into their horrible dooms.
What's more is that this lurking "optimism" matches really well with our own protagonist's personality.
And it makes perfect sense that Ava would do the best she could with whatever she is given.
Life for her, in the conditions she experienced after the accident, would have been unbearable without some sort of positive outlook on life. However deadpan, the joking and the "obscene gestures" and whatever other forms of goofing around beside Diego are a way of turning a portion of the situation in her own favour. Proverbial eggs have, after all, already been broken right and left — might as well make an omelette of whatever remains.
Humour is just another way of looking at the bright side of something, or, at the every least, of mitigating the utter horror it might bring. If the show allows for moments of lightness, if it lets us laugh, if it takes us through a perilous voyage which still bears ripe, succulent fruit instead of the rot of pessimism and its necessary contempt for humanity, it is because Ava herself sees things in this way. It isn't gratuitous or naïve in this case, but a true survival strategy, especially as it is confronted with the morbidity of Catholicism.
Here is a religion that soothes its faithful with the promise of reward in the afterlife — how else does one charge into battle against the unknown, risking one's own death along with that of one's sisters, without the balm of believing that we shall all meet again eventually, "in this life or the next"? How else does one come to terms with the ugliness and the pain of this existence if not by looking forward to a paradise perfect enough to make all trials and tribulations here worth it?
True nihilism would have annihilated Ava. Her present perspective is what avoided the abyss.
And there is nothing Panglossian to her attitude or what the show might imply by giving us her view on things. This isn't about "the best of all possible worlds", but of making the best of whatever situation we're in, of taking what we have and doing something with it, something good, something of ourselves. It isn't God making good out of evil, but our choices.
Killing innocent people and feeling no remorse will never be the best someone can aspire to do. Sister Frances, cardinal William, Adriel all learn this the hard way.
Those who do their best find that, somehow, they can move on from whatever it was that paralysed them. Ava, most of all, knows what it is to be stuck, frozen in place; she can never be the character who refuses to grow, even through pain, lest she condemns her spirit to the same fate her body is all too familiarised with. Those around her wise enough to let themselves be touched by her, by the dynamic power she carries, walk forth with her and live.
It says very little about "God" that Warrior Nun should adopt its heroine's views and seem "optimistic" as it progresses — but it speaks volumes about the values it presents for pondering, of the inspiration its protagonists provide, and of the multiple reasons why this is a story unlike most others.
#warrior nun#ava silva#you know it's actually very funny to type this as someone who is very schopenhaurian with hints of nietzsche#but i AM doing the best i can too :)#again i will reiterate that i don't think this apparent optimism has anything to do with the classic theodicy#if anything i see it more as a cry in favour of antitheism -- this is YOUR life fuck god#life is shitty so carve out your own makeshift paradise out of the wreck you are given#and don't make things harder for anyone else in the process if you can avoid it#(but that might just be the luciferian in me speaking lol)#anywho this post is a translation of one i wrote not too long ago in cryptic english and a ton of tags#so if it seems familiar that's why#also i do find it rather telling that whenever i try to delve into how the show structures things i talk about ava#i don't set out to analyse her -- but in analysing the show i must analyse her as well if by the edges#which again points to how finely woven she is to the fabric of the entire thing#remember how i said ava is a representation of free will?#well this whole bringing good out of evil thing also touches upon it#saint augustine maintains that it is precisely free will that allows us to do it -- to choose good#of course he means it in a sense of being free to pursue god rather than evil but you see the parallel still works#(this is the post i mentioned in the last reblog. figured i'd go ahead and throw it in the wild since there are more brewing)#analysis and similar#exercises in observation
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rumbelle + twilight au moodboard
#gold was turned into a vampire a very long time ago (accidentally or against his will) (soon after he married milah and they had bae)#and he hates it#milah left (naturally) (probably because he refused to turn her)#but at some point he just had to turn bae (he was dying or something)#and though gold tried to hide it the volturi killed him (immortal children and all that)#gold moved as far as he could (storybrooke maine)#a couple hundred years later miss belle french moves to storybrooke too and starts working in the library#and she is very intrigued by the mysterious pawnwhop owner...#it's all because whenever I see rumple's sparkly scales I can't help but think about twilight lol#bonus: “how long have you been fourty seven?” “A WHILE”#blood that doesn't look like blood lol#rumbelle#rumbelle moodboard#not only mice but also moodboards#my rumbelle things#my things
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I get it now, I get the hype, sassy vampire man beloved andjfkmsm
#just need *somewhere* to talk cause nowhere near finishing the game yet still im act 2 but ajskdk#caved and bought bg3 its looked so cool ajdjf#been wanting to play it for a long time now but dont have the hardware but ajdkffk#just discovered geforce now and gosh what a game changer#streams the game instead and i dont think my laptop has overheated once aksjfk#but like!!#yeeeeee im having sm fun w my wood elf druid love her sm#and all the npcs and astarion beloved#feel like a little school girl w goofy smiles whenever theres a new convo w him ajskfk#and idk just like ajsjdj no one to talk to about it and usually at that point just go on youtube to listen to other people talk#but i dont want to accidentally spoil too much so ajdjfk#just sitting here a hyper giddy little mess over how much fun im having#ye anyways if ive seemed kinda mia the past week or so thats why#new hyperfixation for a while i guess but im not mad about it ajsjfk#lowkey wanna doodle characters but akdkg also wanna see how things play out first and hhhhhhhh
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it took me 4hrs just to complete weepy’s 9th deduction but i finally unlocked this mf chart 🏌️ i feel like my souls been gutted out goodbye tumblr im quitting idv
#LOOK HE HAS PARENTS#is that a reference to the man who laughs😭😭#most of the chart info isn’t too surprising other than this but I was curious about Margie’s opinion of Mike#I knew he HATEDDD her but we rarely hear from Marmar herself#(apparently it’s ‘fear’)#I get it😭 Mike is an all around happy/friendly guy- being singled out by someone like that would kill me inside too#but I wonder if the fear cld also be because he reminds her of Sergi.. when u think about it#they’re both the darlings of hullabaloo + friendly and charismatic on the surface#sergi taught her that his loveable persona is all a mask#I don’t think Mike’s is a mask (even if it was- he’s nothing like sergi underneath)#but he still holds an obvious disgust for her and specifically her#😭😭#i think its funny whenever I see margie slander in the fanbase their reasons always sync up with things Mike would say#evil witch with her evil tricks planting ideas in joker’s head#like💀 maybe his POV was at the forefront of hullabaloo’s lore for so long he successfully swayed everyone#i think saying she’s NOT a manipulator does her character a disservice though#she was definitely trying to gain something out of joker 🤔 just not to such a malicious degree as Mike thinks#its a recurring theme in her stories to try and manipulate something to save or protect (either herself or a loved one) but it spirals#out of her control#pure intentions disastrous consequences ? etc#anyway#I haven’t thought about Hullabaloo in so long I had to get this out🤧
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Sorry I'm on the pain train today, but I really think that Moiraine blames herself for what happened to her at the Eye all throughout season 2. This is a woman who has a plan within a plan within a plan, and even though she is fully aware of how dangerous the mission is, and how she is almost certainly going to die because of it, she still had some very specific expectations for how things were going to go at the (not-so-final) battle. She brought the sa'angreal for Rand to use, and she was ready to channel and fight for him while he woke up/gathered his strength/found a way to touch the Source. The thing she never expected to happen was for Ishamael to be able to cut her off even as she threw her whole body into channeling to protect Rand. We know how powerful she is. We know that this was her final mission. A suicide mission. Her entire being was devoted to that final channel and when Ishamael shields her, the sound she makes--total disbelief, panic--betrays the fact that she never imagined that he would be able to do what he did. She thought he might kill her for sure, and that she'd go out in a blaze of glory, but this? Left behind as a Forsaken's plaything? It was never something that crossed her mind.
The first shot of her we see in season 2 is her lugging those buckets of water across this massive canyon at Tifan's Well. There are cicadas buzzing, the brush is scrubby and everything (barely) grows in sand. It's hot as balls. And she is out there bringing bucket after bucket home so she can be in this tepid bath, reliving what happened to her and wishing, wishing, wishing she hadn't channeled in that moment. I think Verin is right to point out that this could be seen as an indicator of her strength in many ways, and Moiraine herself would probably appreciate hearing that ("Moiraine didn't know the meaning of the words 'give up'"), but I personally see it as a form of self-harm. She is punishing herself every day for what she believes she "let" happen to her. We also see her lash out at Lan later on, when he tells her that even multiple Aes Sedai couldn't still a person. She completely loses it and yells at him in an attempt to communicate how powerful the Forsaken actually are. I really read that as a manifestation of her anger toward herself. For not realizing how powerful Ishamael could be. For not making the "right" choice in that moment. Again, for "letting" him do what he did to her. We know that stilling is seen as a direct parallel to a violation (an assault) and it is a really common response to relive the situation in that way and blame oneself for something that isn't even close to being the survivor's fault. It makes sense that Moiraine's trauma response would be to blame herself. It also makes it about twenty million times more heartbreaking to watch relevant scenes later on, like when she talks to Rand about what a shield feels like (she is so angry in that scene, and again, I read it not just as anger directed toward Ishamael, but a very profound, overwhelming anger toward herself), or when she seems ashamed to let Rand look at her with the One Power at Lan's request. She can't even look at Rand (or Lan, for that matter) in that moment. She casts her eyes down. She doesn't want anyone to see her in that state, and it speaks to the enormous weight of the humiliation and shame that she's been carrying all season long.
Basically, I just want someone to cradle her tightly in their arms and just tell her over and over that it wasn't her fault. That what happened to her was Ishamael's choice and his alone. That it was his cruelty, and not anything she did or didn't do, that resulted in her condition.
#tw assault#moiraine damodred#lan mandragoran#moiraine and lan#moiraine's story from this season genuinely makes me cry whenever i think about it for too long#i can't understand why people think she's being needlessly cruel or unreasonable in her treatment of... everyone after she is shielded#of COURSE she is acting the way she is#not only is she traumatized#she is so fucking humiliated and furious and full of such heavy shame#and most of it is directed toward herself#anything else we see directed at others is just a hint of how she must be talking to herself#tw self harm#tw self destructive behavior
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#bro why is everyone growing up and away and trying to figure out their lives and careers and loves#and im just sitting here missing them?#like sure im trying to figure out mine too we're all that age so I don't resent them for it#but why don't they miss me? why don't they feel empty when they haven't talked to me in a long time?#like. didn't they feel very light and happy after talking to me like i did with them don't they have a bad day and think that oh ill#talk to me and it will all feel okay even if it isn't just for a minute?#oh ny god i feel so pathetic asking this but like why am i suddenly crying now???#like my bestf. she's so busy in her new internship in mumbai that she can't be bothered to text me back#a simple yes no question for days. like i understand you have cool new office and work and friends and your stupid fucking ex#that you couldn't stop crying about to me living in that city with you but what about me? what about us?? what about you saying#that you're my first bestfriend i haven't told this to anyone else this is forever everyone else judges me but you're the best#like i just feel like if you're going to leave me then don't fucking say shit like that to me??#okay oh my god this is so irrational but i literally can't stop crying and it's definitely pms like i checked#she's not even leaving she's just suddenly busy and adjusting it's only been like a month#but i hate this stupid fucking knife like fear that as soon as someone is a little busy or seems like they're pulling away a little my#brain is like okay they hate me they're going to leave me so pack your bags we're leaving first#like i know a better solution would be to just tell her that hey dude i fucking miss you and i saw this show and remember how you used to#love peter kavinsky because he was adorable and i want to sit and watch it with you and just why aren't we back in school#where we are basically forced to hang out for like 7 hours because im so sick of only seeing you like once in 2 months for a few hours#like i know it's not your fault and we're just growing up and in different directions but just please like five more minutes can you stay#i don't even have the confidence to say anything to her lol she's my only friend like if even she gets mad and leaves#but i know that's not how healthy relationships work. and ugh my sister is so fucking far away i can feel it everyday#in the 5 and a half hour time difference. i hate this i hate everyone everyone has to go so far away#i hate living in this empty fucking house and being responsible for my own emotions fuck this isse accha toh living with dad hi hai#atleast when im there there are only 2 emotions anxiety and boredom. now i have a whole house to myself to cry whenever I need#for however long i need in a locked room. really looking forward to adulting haha i can see just see myself succeeding so well🙄#man this is crazy im gonna go do jumping jacks or something so this comes and goes faster#umm#dni
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