#whenever i avoid i do have a genuine problem. but i am always having problems so they're usually not worth staying home over

[czolgosz]

i've only avoided school once this semester.... a crime..... i think i'll avoid again today

[cantareincminor]

Fandom Eras in an Ongoing Canon

Something I've been thinking about recently, as I've been writing SxF fic for about one year, is the inherent uncertainty of writing for an ongoing canon as the characters evolve gradually with each new arc Endo creates.

For example, Twilight. We can joke about how the man is taking forever to acknowledge he loves his family, and the slow slow slow burn of Twiyor. But after 100+ chapters, he is indeed different from where he started. Chapter 1, he was willing to return a poor little kid to the orphanage like a defective toy when he realized she might not be a prodigy as he originally thought. He also left her at home alone and literally barricaded the door to keep her there.

Later, he acknowledges the trauma she must have faced as an orphan and becomes hyper-sensitive to little signs like how she arranges the sand table in his office (even if he reads her completely wrong).

By the time exams roll around, he avoids criticizing her for the Tonitrus bolt in math and gives her a genuine smile for her achievement in classical language, appreciating how she worked really hard.

With Yor, when he initially met her, he told himself he would figure out a way to trap her in the marriage if needed for the sake of the mission. Luckily he didn't have to do that, but the fact he remains that he was theoretically willing to. Then every ten to twenty chapters or so, Yor does something to surprise him with her kindness and strength and unconventional understanding of the world, and he grows to trust her and care for her wellbeing, to the point of taking a bullet for her and sparing Yuri.

In another 100 chapters, or by the end of the manga, whenever that will be, how much more will Twilight change?

As fan creators, how will our imagination of these characters change by then? Will we remember how we viewed season 1 Twilight? The fics we wrote and the characterizations we gave him? How about season 1 Yor, who had an obsession with knives and tended to imagine murder as the solution to any problem she couldn't solve immediately?

My main frame of reference is the ATLA fandom and how the characterization of Zuko and the flavor of Zutara fics changed over three seasons. Fics written during season 1 sometimes characterized him as a dark brooding villain with the trope of capturing or threatening Katara, mixed with uncomfortable power dynamics. Fics written during season 2 cast him as more vulnerable and uncertain, imagining how he might join Team Avatar, as we started to see him as the immature teenage dork he was all along. By season 3, immature teenage dork took over much of his fanfic persona as he finally joined the good guys in canon and added a fresh dynamic to the team. Fans wrote lots of friendship and redemption fics, diving into how he reconciled with Katara and won her over as a friend before pursuing her romantically.

I haven't participated in the ATLA fandom for a long time, but I imagine that few writers now will write fics based on season 1 Zuko, at least not with the fan-imagined version of him that was popular back then. Too much has changed about his canon character to make that palatable.

So, I wonder what it'll be like years from now when Twilight and Yor and other characters are notably different. What will it be like to look back on fanfics written in 2022-2025? Will we still enjoy them easily, or will we have to suspend disbelief as they'll feel like AUs with OOC characters?

Part of me feels sad about this, but I suppose this is always the risk of writing for an ongoing canon! At least I am not the only one risking so much of my own time on creating these stories out of love for these characters.

[cripplecharacters]

Can people with flat/blunted affect mask and if so how common is it for people with the symptom to be able to do that?

Hi!

I'm assuming you mean an autistic person who has a flat affect?

Short answer: yes.

Long answer:

Flat affect is one small part of autism. Tone is often difficult for autistic people to recognize and reproduce. But there are plenty of things that go into masking!

Masking can involve suppressing stims, avoiding talking about special interests, putting focus into body and facial expressions, and many other things too!

Also, masking takes a lot of energy. If your character is more focused on making sure they are sitting still, for example, they may not be focused so much on their tone of voice.

Keep in mind that masking isn't widespread in the autistic community. Many of us, especially higher support needs autistics, cannot mask at all. (Personally I understand masking in theory but am unable to mask myself.)

It's certainly possible to be higher masking and have a flat or "unusual" affect, just consider how else that might affect them.

Mod Rock

Hello!

I mask almost constantly whenever I'm able to. It's a survival mechanism that I haven't been able to break out of. I also have a very flat tone and what's usually referred to as 'resting bitch face'. I'm not very expressive naturally.

When I'm masking, I don't usually mask my tone. The rare times when I do is usually for short interactions at parties/events or during job interviews; both places where it's short term and rather necessary for me (To get the interaction over with at parties and to have a better chance at getting a job at the interview).

Even when I'm masking, my tone and expressions don't always come across as natural or real. They can seem fake or superficial, at least from what I'm told.

If I had to keep it up for longer than those short interactions, it would be very exhausting and, as Rock suggested, I'd have a harder time focusing on other aspects of my mask.

To answer your question: Yes, it is possible for somebody to do that but as for how common it is, that really depends on the person. Not all autistic people have a flat affect and not all of those who do can or will choose to mask it.

Cheers,

~ Mod Icarus

Hello,

I'm medium support needs autistic with flat tone and facial expression. While I can mask some things, I can't mask everything at once.

It's kind of like my brain is a computer, and masking different things is like running different programs. if I try to run too many at once, all of the programs start struggling. I can mask my tone, injecting what I think is an appropriate amount of emotion, but, beyond a few things that come easily to me such as a genuine-looking smile, can't really mask my expression while masking my tone. If I'm masking my expression and trying to follow what I think non-autistics would expect based on what I'm saying, I struggle to mask my tone. If I try to mask both at once, both masks start to slip. Tone and expression are larger programs, so it's harder for other programs to run while those are running. Maybe a small program, like simulating eye contact by looking at someone's forehead, can run at the same time, but trying to run too many little programs while running a big program will lead to the same problem. All of this also takes an enormous amount of energy. So while I can kind of mask, I can't mask everything at once. There are only so many programs I can run before my computer crashes.

If your character is medium support needs, masking perfectly is probably nigh impossible. If they're high support needs, there's absolutely no way they can mask. Masking is a lot harder for M-HSN people, so if your character is medium of high support needs, they probably aren't going to be able to mask at all or, if they can mask, will likely mask imperfectly like me. It'll also take a lot more effort than it would for a character who has no support needs or light support needs, it would exhaust them way quicker. And, again, a lot of medium support needs individuals may struggle severely with masking or won't be able to mask at all. High support needs individuals often, if not always, cannot mask at all.

So if your character is M-HSN, their ability to mask will depend on where they are on that spectrum and what else they're trying to do as they talk.

Mod Aaron

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for being in a shared apartment too much?

🏠✨to find this again.

I (27F) have lived in an apartment (2 bed 1 bath) with the same roommate (26F) for 3.5 years. Let’s call her Jane. We’ve always gotten along well and have been (from my perspective, anyway) compatible roommates. For the past year, however, Jane has been increasingly unhappy about me being in our apartment at the same time as her. She’ll either leave the apartment just before or just after I get home, or hole up in her room, or stay out late until she thinks I’ll be asleep, or just be noticeably bummed about me being around.

We’ve talked about it once, and her response was essentially “it’s not you, it’s me”—that she just likes time to have the apartment to herself and putter around, especially after traveling or being out of town. (She will usually avoid me for about five days after coming back from a trip.) She also said that me staying in my room and out of the common areas during certain times is not enough���I need to be out of the apartment entirely. Last summer, we agreed that I would be out of the apartment from 11am-3pm on Sundays so that she has that guaranteed alone time in the apartment in addition to the other times I’m out of the apartment for work or meeting up with friends. She hasn’t told me explicitly, but this seems to not be enough.

Points of note:

- We are both graduate students with fairly flexible schedules. We’re on campus a minimum of 3-4 hours 2 or 3 days a week to teach and are usually on campus additional days for meetings or events—but (technically speaking) our job is to research and write. We’re not typically “at the office” from 9–5.

- I work from home as often as I can. When I’m not on campus to teach or attend an event, I’ll typically just come back home. We don’t get paid much, so I like to be home for meals to avoid buying lunch or paying for a coffee in order to work at a cafe. So, admittedly, I am often at the apartment for most of the day.

- For my part, I don’t mind Jane being in the apartment at the same time as me, and I honestly miss being able to chat with her during our breaks from work or study. So this is not really a mutual dislike.

- Jane is not doing anything nefarious in the apartment while I’m gone (it’s small enough that I would know if she was cooking meth or something lmao). She just genuinely wants to be alone to hang out in the apartment.

- I don’t typically hang out in the common areas for work or play, and I don’t leave my own stuff there. When I’m at home I tend to stay in my room, except when cooking.

- I have made no major life changes during the time she began to dislike having me in the apartment. Whenever I ask her if there’s any particular behavior I could change, she says there isn’t. During this same span of time, however, Jane has been under increased stress due to academic deadlines and some extra jobs, which is probably a contributing factor.

I’m graduating next spring and plan to move to live with my partner in a different city—so the problem is solved in the long term. But I’m curious whether I’m missing some key roommate etiquette.

Is it an asshole move to spend most of my time in a shared apartment?

What are these acronyms?

[theoceanoasis]

Can we get a part ii to Drift and Ratchet trying to court Hot Rod but Perceptor is blocking them/trying to scare them off? I can see Hot Rod being exasperated because he genuinely loves the two and wants to be with them.

He found Hot Rod sobbing in his room and he rushed to see what was wrong.

"What happened? Are you okay?"

He checked him over for injuries while his bitty clung to him.

"Am I ugly?"

"What? No. Who told you that?"

He looked at his bitty in shock and then anger. His engine revved and he promised to kill whoever said that to his little one.

"No one said it to me but it has to be true. I thought Ratchet and Drift liked me but now they're avoiding me."

Hot Rod cried and he gave him a surprised look. Because he didn't think they'd give up so easily. He thought they would have put up more of a fight, instead of letting his bitty go.

He felt justified about pushing them away. It was for the best after all. They gave up on his bitty and weren't willing to fight for him. Which means they clearly didn't deserve him. In Nyon people fight for their potential mates. Even if they have to fight the entire functionalist guard.

If they couldn't fight for his sparkling they were unworthy of his love and he hoped Hot Rod could find someone better now that they were gone.

Even as he said that Hot Rods cries made him feel guilty for pushing them away. His bitty obviously loved them and was hurting right now.

He held him hoping that he'd be able to move on in time and realize that he could do so much better.

Hot Rod cried himself to sleep in his arms and he laid him in bed making sure he was comfortable. He then left his room and went to grab his favorite snacks and movie.

Along the way he stopped by Drift and Ratchets room. When the two of them saw him they immediately frowned.

"I hope you're happy."

"We did what you wanted and have stopped courting Hot Rod."

"I'm very happy because now Hot Rod can find someone better."

"What's your problem with us?"

Ratchet snapped clearly annoyed.

"You don't know Hot Rod. You act like you do but you don't. I see the way you two are with each other and I know my sparkling will only end up hurt. You two will always love each other more than Hot Rod."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is. Hot Rod will always feel like a third wheel. Whenever it comes to important matters or arguments it will always be you two against him."

"We can change."

He shook his head.

"The biggest reason I didn't think you two were worthy of my sparkling is because you gave up."

"You told us to leave him alone."

"You shouldn't have listened! In Nyon mates protect each other. They fight for each other and it doesn't matter who's in their way they will always fight for their mate but not you two. He deserves better and you two know it. Which is why I think you really stepped down because deep down you knew that Roddy could do so much better and you two were only holding him back."

He walked away leaving the two of them speechless as he went to pick up the snacks and a movie. When he got back Hot Rod was still curled up in a little ball asleep and he rubbed his back.

"Soon you'll get over them and then I'll help you find the perfect mate."

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - February 25

snarky friend anon (new), waxing anon (new), commitment anon, shy anon, confuddled anon

snarky friend anon

hi cas!

i have this friend who i don’t really know what to do with?

whenever i mention fanfic or tumblr or anything like that at all he gets really snarky and passive aggressive and it just doesn’t feel great

i know that he just sort of feels like i’ve moved on without him, because we used to have a lot of the same interests and now my interests have shifted and his haven’t

i can 100% understand how it would suck from his perspective, but it seems like i’m always walking on eggshells around him, trying to avoid certain topics

and even if i do it seems like he makes it about them anyway?

i’ve tried asking him to ask his parents for therapy (his family is very well off and he says his parents wouldn’t have a problem with it) but he doesn’t want to have that conversation, but i don’t really know what to do

his mental health is kind of shit and he worries a lot about losing friends but also he’s kind of been treating a lot of people kind of shitty (he’s a really good person, i’ve been friends with him for like 5 years) and just taking his anger out on them

if i mention anything like this to him he just spins it into a “sorry i’m a horrible friend” this and im really at my wits end

he’s not happy, and him taking it out on me isn’t making me happy either

anyway i have no idea what to do :)

Hi!

I'm so sorry, this sounds so frustrating.

Honestly though, the only thing you can do is tell him how you feel. If you've told him that you feel like he's being unfair and he just gets angry, then there's really nothing you can do.

The thing is...yeah, he might end up blaming the change in your friendship on you, but the reality is, the cause isn't your new interest in fanfic. Regardless of that, you're still trying to communicate. HE is the one shutting you out. And if he chooses to do that, he's going to lose you. You can't keep pushing a friendship that hurts you just to help him not get hurt. That's not fair to you.

____________

Waxing anon

honestly, hon, I'm not sure if hiding it is best. this might be the push you need to ask for some help, you know? I know it's so scary to admit that you need help like this but you deserve to feel happy and to not want to do these things. so yeah...I don't know if telling you how to hide it is the best idea.

__________

commitment anon

Hey Cas. Commitment anon again.

So, for context, D knows that K does not like him now, and we've had a pretty big fallout. They aren't friends anymore, but I still am with both. It's kind of confusing and hard to just try and not take a side of one story, especially when I know there is one extremely different interpretation from the other. It feels like I'm ripping myself apart trying to balance both of my friendships and my maybe-still-there crush on K.

I text with D and talk at school with K, usually. D. Knows about my crush now, and he's kind of neutral with it, but I know he feels betrayed.

D and I still talk almost everyday though. We've talked about the fallout and K a lot of the time. I usually comfort him when he has panic attacks and breakdowns, but the thing is whenever I do that it feels like a chore and I know it shouldn't. I don't even feel any sympathy or compassion or empathy. Or any emotion at all. Nothing is there and I think nothing really has been.

I've always known that I don't really feel many emotions like that, but I've thought about it and I don't think they're there at all. Like, I realized that whenever something bad happens, but emotions don't really change. The sorry's aren't really genuine, it's just. Courtesy I think. I don't feel sorry, but I don't feel selfish, or anything. It's just blankness.

I know that's wrong, too. I should feel at least a little, but I don't. I don't feel bad when I say something rude, or when someone dies, or when someone is crying. It's just fake apologies and comfort. I think I'm broken. Or something like that.

I don't even know what to do anymore and I can't tell my friends because they won't understand, they'd just get mad that I've comforted them without really feeling sorry. They'd hate me if they knew and I don't want them to.

Hi <3

I don't think you're broken and I don't think your friends would hate you. Honestly, there's a lot of reasons why someone might (not) feel like this, but it does make me think that maybe you need to talk to an adult about it. NOT because you're broken, but because sometimes when people feel like this, it could be because of something that happened in the past. I think you deserve to understand your emotions, and to do that, you might need to talk to a therapist or someone similar, you know? Are you able to do that?

__________

Shy anon

Hi cas just checking in

how're u doing?

How do you deal with blatant or underhand sexism coming from an adult in your life who you are currently unable to escape from.

XOXO

Shy anon

I think it depends. If they're someone who you rely on for something life-saving (food, shelter, etc) then unfortunately, I wouldn't push too much. Instead, focus on the future, and readying yourself for a time when you don't have to rely on them anymore.

If they're NOT someone you rely on, I'd ask questions. Like if they say women belong in the kitchen, be like "Oh, so men aren't capable of cooking?" You know, get them thinking about how stupid their ideas are.

Also congrats on your AP test!

___

Confuddled anon

Hey its confuddled anon!!

I have an update.

Drum roll please!

He.... got arrested today! That's right folks, he is about to be a felon with a count of breaking and entering ✌️💅💋🎀✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️

So yah, absolutely not confuddled anymore, very much clear that I have zero romantic feelings for him. But seriously, what kind of idiot do you have to be to break into someone's house and just hang out there??

It's also really funny because while he was getting arrested I was picking up trash off the side of the road, we were literally being complete opposites.

So... yah! I'll keep you updated about what happens with that :))))

With complete clarity and disgust,

-confuddled anon :)))

Well. That clears that up. Glad you figured it out, lol! At least you know that whoever you date in the future HAS to be better than that! (I certainly hope)

[hrodvitnon]

Regarding that one ask, I heavily disagree with it and I dare say that person is completely wrong about Godzilla's intentions. Based on what these pages from Godzilla Dominion shows, as a well as Mike Dougherty's own tweet regarding this fic, it's nowhere near as one-sided as some people think it is, and as you can see, Godzilla himself remembers Serizawa's sacrifice as well as the time he lived alongside humans, seeing as his definition of home is a place where he lived with humans that loved and worshipped him.

But wait, there's more! Before certain people come out and say that those aspects have been "retconned", Godzilla is shown to be sleeping peacefully at the Roman Colosseum in GxK, and in the novelization, it flat out says that he sleeps there because misses his old temple at KOTM and that he might still have a soft spot for people. Not to mention in GxK in general, Godzilla clearly has a connection with the Hollow Earth Iwi tribe. Who are, you know, humans.

Also Monarch: Legacy of Monsters further reaffirms that Godzilla is ultimately a benevolent being who's just doing his job keeping titans and humans from harming each other.

If people can accept the idea of a giant apes being benevolent protectors with zero strings attached, then there should be no problems accepting that the giant lizard is exactly like that too, especially because there's been no real evidence to say otherwise (and again, like the examples I've shown and mentioned, they actually further prove that Godzilla is indeed a benevolent protector and that Serizawa / Monarch, as well as other people who similarly trust in him like Shaw, is right to trust in him). And if people say that it can't be the case because "rEpTiLeS cAn'T fEeL fEeLiNgS jUsT LiKe MaMmAlS cAn", well then I am sorry to say, but Mothra disproves that just by existing.

Because hey, if you make a false equivalent between these fictional giant monsters and real life animals they took inspiration from, then by that same logic, Mothra should be an emotionless thing that acts only based on instincts and self-preservation because she's a giant insect. But she doesn't, and she's a genuine protector who also goes out of her way to avoid killing (even sparing those who attack her whenever she can) and in GxK, she even goes out of her way to save humans. Not even Kong did that in the movie btw, and if anything, the movie shows that Kong accidentally kills some humans in Egypt.

But yeah. It's really exhausting how these people just keeps reducing Godzilla's more nuanced character traits. Especially since Godzilla has always been a sympathetic character going as far back as the original 1954 movie (though Heisei era is the best example of that), but for some reason, these people now suddenly have a problem with that just because Godzilla shares screentime with Kong. And in these people's logic, Kong is Good because he's mammal and therefore relatable, while Godzilla is BAD because he's reptile and therefore "not relatable".

If people in real life can compare their pet lizards to dogs and treat them with as much love as they would a dog, we can have Good Guy Godzilla (who is still a big ol' grump willing to put down repeat offenders like Scylla while being nostalgic for humans and being anxious without Mothra's presence). It's okay. We can have a Godzilla who maintains the worldly balance while still being a proud warrior beast who enjoys fighting and when he's not fighting he can even feel lonesome in some way, these are not mutually exclusive.

[wardencallings]

Okay. Let me preface this with I am enjoying this game. I like the story, pacing, and companions a lot. I enjoy the combat and the structure of the quests (mostly). But. Ugh.

Spoilers for Harding's romance under the cut (and note: I haven't finished the final fight yet):

This romance started so fucking promising. I LOVED the cute flirting at the start, the slightly awkward and nervous dynamic, and the lyrium kiss might be the cutest cut scene I have ever seen in my life. But why, if you're presenting an arc about two characters unable to touch each other, is there no on-screen yearning? Why do you leave how these characters handle this very specific problem off-screen, relegating it to an off-the-cuff banter between Emmrich and Harding? Why do I not see another kiss or point of contact between my character and Harding's beyond the final scene before she's made Hero of the Veilguard?

The romance is so front-heavy that the last part of the game makes it seem like we aren't all that in love, nor really all that close. I think what's extra frustrating is that my fiance is playing alongside me, and so I get to hear the cute banter between Harding and Taash while my Rook gets very little attention from her at this point in the game. Even the pre-final fight scene was lacking. Why can't I comfort Harding more thoroughly about her fear of one of us dying? Why, as a dwarf, can I not reassure her that I'll always be with her in some way because of our mutual connection to the stone? (Also, why, as a dwarf, do I seemingly have no resistance to Harding's lyrium while Taash can tank it fine? Hello?) That scene ends with a "Let's just focus on us tonight" sort of line, but I want to know more! What do we do? What can we do? I get leaving it up to the audience's imagination, but with so little context as to what Rook and Harding are up to in their relationship at this stage of the game, I would prefer something more concrete.

This romance would be almost completely perfect to me with the addition of one scene where Rook and Harding touch after weeks, or perhaps months, of yearning. I'm not even picky about how the scene would manifest (a goofy montage of them trying different ways to touch each other without triggering the lyrium, Rook peppering kisses on Harding's freckles to avoid long-term contact, Harding surprising Rook with her control over the magic leading to a longer, more passionate kiss, etc). As my Rook is trans, I really appreciated the line where I could tell her that Rook would love her for who she is no matter what, but give me MORE. Since Harding's romance is seemingly the shortest, there absolutely was room for one extra scene, if not more.

Also, I hate that Rook can't kiss her whenever he wants. My Rook is built different. He'll take the lyrium disorientation for even a second of contact with her. As I think many others would agree -- especially because of how charming the lyrium poisoning kiss scene is! It was right there!

All in all, I'm pretty disappointed with the lack of romance dialogue options and the sheer lack of Harding romance content after around the halfway point of the game. I still really am enjoying Veilguard, but I think it's a bummer we get more information about Taash and Harding's late-game dynamic than Rook and Harding's. I hate that it's making me resent Taash and Harding's relationship because I genuinely love Taash so much and think they're an excellent partner for an unromanced Harding! I hope the Taash romance doesn't suffer from this problem, for all you Taash lovers out there.

The silver lining: the romance is ripe for fanfic and fanart. I already have one commission on the way, and once I finish my school stuff for the week, I want to write a continuation of the pre-final fight scene for sure. And a Harding/Rook camping scene, perhaps! I also think I might be a little blinded by the initial disappointment, and once my vision clears a bit, I'll be able to appreciate it more.

[thelonelyshore-if]

this is exclusively a personal problem but as a 1. paranoid 2. completionist i always have the vague sense that im going to lock myself out of future content somehow if i dont ask every single question every single time even on replays. i dont know why i feel this way or where i got it from but its just how it is i guess. so sometimes i am going through out of duty as opposed to genuine interest/curiosity but such is life, no complaints i truly do this to myself

I'm sure you're not alone though!! Thank you for sharing because this is also definitely an aspect I need to consider.

Especially because I do sometimes include info in the choices that the player won't find out until later. Never miss completely, since I don't think vital information should be locked behind optional questions, but sometimes there are things learned sooner than they might be otherwise.

I feel like there's definitely a balance to be achieved, because I'd also like to avoid players feeling like they have to pick everything whenever possible!

[sentientgolfball]

My Starlight

Pairing: Omega/Terzo

Tags: hurt/comfort, Terzo being bitchy to Omega

Summary: Terzo can’t bottle up his insecurities anymore and it all spills out when Omega confronts him

Omega cursed under his breath at the sound of the broken note and shook his head trying to focus on the song. All week he had been distracted with this feeling of dread worming its way into his brain. He had been managing so far, but being there in the practice room rehearsing for the upcoming shows, the feeling was too strong to ignore. He had an idea as to what was causing it but he couldn’t bring himself to address it. That is until the problem spoke up.

“Everyone stop. Stop. Omega what’s gotten into you? This is the worst I’ve ever heard you play.” Terzo turned to him waiting for an answer, it was clear the man was annoyed even with the extravagant face paints. The other ghouls' heads snapped in Omega’s direction, interested to hear his response. It was no secret that Papa and the quintessence ghoul were close, but recently it seemed Terzo had grown distant. Anyone could feel the tension between the two and the ghouls were almost excited at the idea of being able to witness Omega explode on his beloved Papa.

To their disappointment Omega just sighed deeply, put down his guitar and without breaking eye contact with Terzo said “Everyone out. Now. I need to have a word with our Papa in private.” His tone was calm but stern leaving no room for an argument.

Terzo scoffed “You do not give the orders around here Omega. I am Papa and we will end rehearsal when I say” it was rare to see Terzo like this. He was usually so confident and flirtatious. This was the dread that was eating Omega alive all week. He could feel the anger dripping off his lover and it only got worse with each day.

He held Terzo’s gaze with unreadable eyes. The two were locked in a battle to see who would cave first. The other ghouls waited in anticipation, excited by the drama of it all. Eventually Terzo relented and with a dry laugh said “Alright fine, you all may leave. I’m intrigued to see what our dear Omega has to say that just cannot wait” his tone was completely different. Lighter. It was clear he was forcing the smile that pulled at his lips as he stared at the quintessence ghoul. The others were disappointed at being sent off, but didn’t dare to protest. Not out of fear of their Papa, but out of what Omega might do.

Once the others had gone there was a long and drawn out silence before Terzo spoke up “I know what this is about amore mio” he walked towards Omega who hadn’t moved an inch since putting down his guitar. For a moment the ghoul was hopeful. Maybe his Papa was going to be open with him without a fight? That hope quickly died when Terzo continued speaking “we’ve been busy all week and you just couldn’t wait for rehearsal to be over so you could get your hands on me, eh?” Omega sighed deeply and reached up to remove his show mask. Terzo stood there close to him watching the ghoul move. A genuine smile started to appear on his face as he looked upon his lover. That smile faltered when he saw the look on Omega’s face. He knew that expression all too well, it was the one he used whenever he had too much on his mind for his words to convey.

“We haven’t been busy all week, Terzo. You’ve been finding new tasks to do to avoid me” the ghouls tone was soft, careful. He had to be when it came to his Papa. He loved that man more than he loved anyone else and he would do anything for him, but he was fragile when he was like this. Omega was always able to tell when Terzo was struggling on account of his quintessence. It allowed him to sense another’s emotion when they’re near him. It’s why Terzo developed a habit of distancing himself from the ghoul when he had moments like these, much to Omega’s annoyance. All he wanted to do was be there for him, help him in any way he could, but it was always a fight with him. It’s not that he didn’t care for the ghoul, quite the contrary, it seemed like Omega was the only one he cared for some days, but the man was too stubborn to admit when he needed help. This is why Omega had to be careful. If he said the wrong thing or used the wrong tone of voice his Papa would shut down and become defensive which would only worsen whatever had caused his mood.

Terzo wrapped an arm around the ghoul’s waist pulling him closer “I’m here now, sì? I let everyone leave like you asked. Why don’t we make up for lost time then?” Terzo leaned in and started to plant kisses along Omega’s jaw and neck. The ghoul cleared his throat after feeling a blush creep on his face and used a clawed hand to turn Terzo’s head up to look at him. He looked at him softly before letting out a sigh

“you’re deflecting, amati.” He paused choosing his next words carefully “I meant it when I said I wanted to have a word with you”

Terzo hesitated before planting a chaste kiss on the ghouls lips “then I am all ears”

Omega took a deep breath to ground himself. The wave of emotions coming off of Terzo were strong. It was a mix of anger and fear with only a twinge of affection. It was making his head spin.

“Amore mio, has something been bothering you?” He asked silently begging that this time Terzo would relent and be honest with him

Terzo laughed “Of course nothing is bothering me. I am Papa Emeritus III. Nothing should bother me!”

Should. There it was. Omega never knew if he was aware of it or not, but his Papa always would say something to clue him in; like he was begging for someone to interrogate him so he could spill his guarded heart. Omega would always pull on the thread if it meant Terzo would open up.

“Just because you’re Papa doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel amore. Please tell me what’s troubling you” the second the words left his mouth he regretted it. The emotions radiating off of Terzo only strengthened making Omega feel physically ill at the intensity, but he swallowed it. This was the worst he had even seen Terzo. Whatever was bothering him was clearly something major. This only made the ghoul’s worry grow.

Terzo released Omega from the embrace and gestured with his hands as he spoke “As I said amore nothing is troubling me! I am the most powerful man in the Ministry, there is no reason for me to be troubled.” Terzo knew Omega could tell he was lying, but he could never tell his lover the truth. He was terrified at what the ghoul might think of him if he ever told him the things that run through his head. He hated himself for it. He knew what he was doing was unfair to Omega and he always felt guilty for it, but it was too hard for him to cry for help. He wished he could just tell his love everything about how weak he felt, about how much he hated looking at himself in the mirror, about how he’ll never be what his brothers were. He wished he could tell Omega everything. But he couldn’t. It was too painful because if he said the words out loud to another living being then they would be real. He’d have to face them instead of bottling them up and hiding them away in the deepest parts of his mind. He fed into his own insecurities this way convincing himself that if anyone understood just how vulnerable he truly was that he’d be cast out. Papa Emeritus had no room to be weak. And if he couldn’t be the one thing he was born to do then what purpose did he serve?

So he played this game with Omega. He would deflect and play everything off as ‘stress from work’ and Omega would allow him to. This is, until it started to get worse. For the last few months Terzo had been slowly getting swallowed by his own pit of despair. He couldn’t play it off anymore and the look of concern that came with his lover every time they were close crushed his heart. That’s why he started to distance himself. If he was going to burn he was not going to bring his starlight with him. Omega was persistent though, he refused to let his Papa drown in his own misery. He would lock them in the practice room if that meant Terzo would finally open up to him.

“Terzo…” Omega spoke his name softly, gazing at him with nothing but pure love and worry. The sound snapped him out of his thoughts and he slowly unfurrowed his brow. He hadn’t even realized he’d been scowling. He cut off the ghoul

“Well since I have told you there is nothing to worry about we should go now, sì? We do not want to miss dinner” he turned to leave, not bothering to wait for a response. He knew Omega would let him leave. The ghoul would never pry if someone didn’t want to speak, or at least that’s what Terzo thought until he felt a clawed hand grab his wrist. He immediately stopped in his tracks, but he still refused to face his lover. He didn’t want to see his pained expression. He knew of the quintessence powers and he knew now that omega was touching him he could truly feel everything.

“I’m not letting you leave…not this time. Not until you tell me what’s wrong. Please, I’m worried Terzo”

“I don’t know what you are worried about. Truly I’m fine.” He knew he wasn’t fooling Omega, even he could hear the crack in his own voice. He mentally cursed himself for letting his mask slip. He couldn't hide it anymore, not from Omega. He felt tears starting to slip from his eyes.

“Terzo I-“ Omega stopped and gasped softly when the man turned to look at him. His paint was smudged running down his face mixed with tears. It was a rarity to see Terzo actually cry. Omega went to say something and Terzo snapped

“Are you happy amore? Is this what you wanted to see! To see how weak I am? To see how a little pressure makes me break!” He knew he shouldn’t be so harsh. Omega had done nothing but love him endlessly, but he couldn’t stop the words that flew from his mouth. He felt small seeing the way Omega was looking at him with pain and shock.

He took a shaky breath “I’m a worthless Papa, Omega. I’m not strong like Secondo. I’m not calm like Primo. I have nothing. I’m only here because of my last name.” He couldn’t look Omega in the eyes as he spoke. He was afraid to see what lay there. Silence hung in the air for a moment before he felt himself be pulled into the ghoul’s embrace

“You are not worthless tersoro. You are a gift to this world simply because you exist. You do not have to be your brothers. You just have to be you. That is enough.” Omega held him close while he spoke. Maybe if he did his Papa would be able to feel just how much he meant to the ghoul. He just wanted to take all his pain away, to shield his heart from the thoughts that plagued his mind.

Terzo didn’t say anything for a long time. He didn’t move. He was tense. He was still afraid to look at Omega to see the pain he caused. The ghoul just stood there holding him in his arms giving him time to settle. He pressed his lips to Terzo’s head and whispered sweet nothings while swaying them. Finally Terzo spoke his voice quiet and cracked from the lump in his throat

“You are too good for me mia luce stellare. I don’t deserve this.”

“Of course you deserve this. Everyone deserves kindness. Everyone deserves someone to love them, especially when they are struggling.”

“I am a horrible man who’s only pushed you away. I don't deserve your kindness. I don’t deserve your love. I am not worth it.”

Deep down he didn’t believe the words he was saying. Some part of him knew he was wrong, but he couldn’t care. He wanted to be consumed by his own suffering at the moment. He didn’t want to feel anything else. Was it even possible for him to feel anything else?

Omega pulled away from the embrace just enough to be able to look at Terzo. His heart broke seeing his lover like this. He knew Terzo had been struggling lately and yet he waited. He waited to confront him and now his Papa had cracked. He felt guilty for it, but he didn’t say anything. He wanted to give all his attention to Terzo at this moment. He was being the most vulnerable Omega had ever seen and he wanted to do nothing more than to let him know he was safe and cared for.

“Do not say that amore mio. You are the only person I want to give my love to. Not because you are Papa, but because you are Terzo. I won’t deny it though, it hurts having you push me away. I’ve missed you tersoro, let me help you…please”

Terzo doesn’t say anything as he stares up at Omega. He doesn’t have the strength to. He slowly nods his head before burying his face in the ghouls chest to hide his face not caring about his ruined paints. Omega says nothing as he gently leads Terzo to the small bathroom in the practice room. He turns on the sink and lets the water warm up before grabbing a washcloth

“May I?” He asks Terzo tenderly. When the man nods, Omega carefully wets the towel and slowly washes the paint away. He’s gentle with his motions helping to soothe the man and calm him down.

When all of the paint is removed Omega can’t help but smile lovingly at his Papa. He was hardly ever seen without his paints on, but Omega loved to look at the real him. The ghoul dried his face off and leaned down to kiss him

“I miss seeing your face you know” this earned a chuckle from his Papa that made his heart swell. Without the paints Terzo looked older, the dark circles under his eyes no longer hidden by the black makeup. Omega ran his hands through Terzo’s hair, being sure to scratch at his scalp with his claws. Terzo let out a deep sigh and melted into the touch, tears welling in his eyes again.

Omega then helped Terzo stand and led him back to his papal chambers making sure to take the long way so as to not run into anyone who may question them. Once there, Omega pulled him close again and laid down onto the mattress. He wrapped his tail around Terzo’s leg and felt a soft purr kick up in his chest as he felt his lover relax in his embrace.

“I love you Terzo. Don’t ever believe otherwise.” He said giving him a kiss on the back of his head

“I love you too luce stellare.” As Terzo drifted off to sleep he thought about spilling his guts to Omega. Finally telling him everything that ran through his head, but he held off. He would save that for tomorrow, for now he just wanted to be there in the ghouls arms feeling his love in every way.

[quibbs126]

Hi, I’m sorry if this isn’t any help, but do you know why you’re avoiding the real world so much? Berating yourself won’t help. If you wanna solve a problem u gotta find the root cause and take steps from that cause.

Well if I had to take a guess

Real world issues, or at least the ones I consider significant, always stress me out greatly, and I feel like I have an avoidant take when it comes to things that stress me out; namely, that I try to avoid them until they go away. Unfortunately, that’s a lot of things when it comes to the real world. Doesn’t help I’m a raging procrastinator

Unfortunately this can happen the other way around and I can miss opportunities because I simply choose not to act on something. And I recognize that waiting around probably makes situations worse, but for me, that’s just how I do thing, and I think the problem will just solve itself, so I should just ignore it

And not to mention, I basically know nothing about the real world, and how I’m supposed to interact with it. I’m 20, but I don’t feel like an adult, I think that’s still to come later after I’m done with school; I still have the mind of a teenager, if not younger. I don’t even have much of a concept of money. Talk about anything in the 1000s or higher and you’ve lost me on the specifics of how expensive that is, other than it’s expensive; $10,000 and $100,000 mean the same thing to me, other than $100,000 being ten times more. I don’t understand taxes or salaries or mortgages. I don’t understand what’s a good salary or not, so long as it’s money. I don’t understand how you’re supposed to interact with other people. I don’t even know what size pants I wear, because I don’t buy my clothes, my parents do. They take care of pretty much everything, and thus I don’t know much of anything, that’s adult stuff

And I’m well aware that I don’t know anything, and I know that you shouldn’t try and deal with areas you’re unfamiliar with, so I don’t bother with all of that, especially not without consulting my parents. I wouldn’t even make appointments for things about school without asking them when’s best or telling them that I’m doing so

I don’t want to be so reliant on them, but the reality is that I am, and that’s not gonna change anytime soon, especially not if I end up taking online schooling and I have to live with them full time again. I like my freedom to go outside for a random walk whenever, and to eat what I want and buy what I want, even if 90% of those expenditures is just food

I’m well aware that I’m incredibly sheltered. One time in college I had someone genuinely think that I was homeschooled, when in reality I’ve been publicly schooled all my life, and I went to pre-school for years before that. But I have so little an understanding of the world and the people in it that I don’t blame her for thinking that

Not to mention, I just don’t understand real consequences. They aren’t a thing in my mind. My family’s never really had to struggle, at least not to a point I’m aware, and I’ve never been punished that bad. I think my worst ever punishment is getting yelled at, and have my video games taken away until a certain point or until I do the thing I got yelled at for not doing. And so in my mind’s eye, that’s the worst that can happen, that I get reprimanded for my own actions/inaction and life continues. I mean, part of that is because I’ve never done something that bad, but still. I don’t have a concept of the consequences of failing college or not getting a degree. My parents do, since neither of them went to college, hence why they want me to, but I don’t. I don’t understand what it’s like to be poor or homeless, or how bad a minimum wage job is or not being able to pay bills. I’ve never experienced them or anything remotely similar, so I just don’t understand that these concepts exist. It’s like a video game to me, the stakes aren’t really there. And that’s not to say I want those things to happen to me, far from it, but in my head they’re more like fictional concepts. So I don’t see much point to them. I know they’re important, but only because someone tells me they are

The real world leaves me scared and stressed, and I don’t know the first thing about it. I don’t know what’s reliable information about it and what isn’t, because people will lie or just not know. And because I don’t want to make a fool of myself and I just end up getting stressed out, I avoid it and instead turn to shows, video games, drawing and fandoms

In a video game, they don’t expect you to know everything right out of the gate, and they’ll tell you. There’s no consequences to asking questions to things you don’t understand, and they’re usually not too difficult of concepts to understand in the first place. And games usually are pretty good at telling you what you need to do and giving you the knowledge to do so, I don’t have to do a lot of guesswork as to what I’m supposed to do or how to approach a situation, and if I do, then that’s usually a consequence of bad game design. And you have to rely on your own knowledge to progress, and I feel accomplishment when I do something right, and the game rewards me in some way too

And drawing is the only real world skill I have, and I’m proud of myself when it turns out good. It’s an actual skill I’ve cultivated myself and continue to cultivate, even if I forget to draw a lot or have trouble figuring it out sometimes. And it’s something I can show the world. Not much to anyone in the real world, especially not my family since I doubt they’re interested in my fanart, but I can at least show them to the Internet

And while fandom isn’t the nicest place to be, interacting on these spaces requires knowledge that I actually have and am interested in, and people actually will listen to what I say, and sometimes even agree with me. It’s one of the only places I feel an iota of smartness, even if I can’t be that analytical because my brain isn’t like that naturally and tends to see very surface level things, or deeper things I just can’t express in words

And just all in all, those things make me happy. Yeah I feel guilt at night that I favor those things instead of dealing with real world stuff, but they’re all I know and have

At least I think that’s part of the reason why. I don’t know for sure and I don’t know if I worded it all correctly

[decamarks]

Hey there! First off I want to say I *adore* your art, you absolutely 1000% perfectly tap into the vibe and style of late 90's/early 00's 3D models in a way literally no one else does. I think about your art of your fake games' glitches (especially the forum post!!! it's. *perfect.*) all the time :)

And I've noticed how you're always very insightful and kind whenever you answer asks, so thank you for that!

If it's not too intrusive to ask, I was wondering how you went about finding a doctor to get your autism diagnosis? I've been pretty sure for a few years now that I'm on the spectrum, but I've never had a clue how to actually get tested/diagnosed. Especially since I'm an adult female too, and I've heard a ton about how autism is really overlooked/underdiagnosed for people like us.

But seeing that you were able to find someone who avoided all the common pitfalls and was able to actually help you made me want to reach out. I had been wanting to ask you this for a while (as you can probably tell based on what the question was haha) but I was too anxious to actually do it (still am, a bit ><). Again, feel free to ignore this part if it's too personal or you don't want to answer it for any reason!

It feels awkward to end an ask with that, so I'll bookend it with something I think you'll like: have you ever heard of trsrockin.com? It's an old fansite I used to visit religiously as a kid that talked about early Pokemon and Super Mario games and collectibles from them, as well as oddities like glitches from the aforementioned games, forgotten weird one-off SNES games, documenting fake/trick fanmade "cheats" for games, and bootleg merchandise.

It's one of if not the first public place (afaik) that MissingNo. and pals were discovered/talked about, and a little community came together to try and figure out why the glitch happened and what all the effects and variants of it were. Even you've been to trsrockin before and none of this is new info, I thought it would at least be a nice trip down memory lane :)

It's an old site that has since been taken down, and for some reason archive.org can't properly archive the full site/all its links. But luckily someone created a complete mirror of it! You can find it here: http://catfish.it.cx/trsrockin/trsrockin.com/index.html

AHH THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!! ;__; you're too kind... i know i haven't posted too much of my 3d work recently, but trust me, i have a LOT more of those faux-retro aesthetics in store with the game i've been working on... >=) i'm always so so happy to see other people appreciate janky ol' 3d graphics, LMFAO

also!! i've definitely heard of trsrockin eheehee... i was a bit too young to use it when it was in its prime (and also more of a bulbapedia enthusiast), but i've perused some archived pages before! old internet forums & fansites are just the best thing in the world...

ANYWAY: regarding your question! Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm the best person to give advice about this, because I feel like I kind of got my diagnosis by chance... Essentially: I started seeing a new therapist; she suggested I might be on the spectrum, I said, "Yeah maybe IDK"; I got a referral to an evaluator—and then an incredibly expensive diagnosis after a few months of waiting and testing.

My case differs in that I didn't really suspect being on the spectrum myself. Which seems a bit silly, considering I now realize I am... observably autistic. In abundance. But it was genuinely hard to puzzle out, what with all my other problems (particularly, severe misophonia, which can be REALLY hard to differentiate from general sensory sensitivity.) So about specifically seeking out a diagnosis, I unfortunately can't give a good answer. But I'm willing to talk about the rest, on the off-chance it ends up helpful! (Under the cut at least.)

I don't like to be too open about my Issues™ online—but I got a whole lot of them, and they used to be a lot worse than they are now, so I was stuck in that perpetual "adolescent with treatment-resistant depression" purgatory for, like... my entire adolescence! Because no one knew what the hell was wrong with me. I'm barely in adulthood now, but I'm extremely thankful to be broken out of that. Both the 'treatment-resistant depression' diagnoses AND the adolescence. Being told with authority that I, indeed, have an untreated case of mega-autism—and not an irreparably broken brain whose electrical activities zap SSRIs straight out of existence—is definitely relieving. And now I can confidently say shit like 'mega-autism', so like, wins all around.

About getting a diagnosis in general: in my case, I kind of needed one, because it would be not be feasible for me to go to school/work/exist without accommodations of some kind. (The evaluation I had was, in part, just to get a psychological report of any kind, since I desperately needed supporting documentation to request accommodations anywhere.) Otherwise, I'm honestly not sure if I'd bother?

On one hand, an official diagnosis is an incredibly affirming thing to have—especially if you didn't even suspect it before; things start making a lot of sense afterwards, LOL—but on the other hand, it is a tedious and kind of humiliating process. And possibly expensive.

And then, like you mentioned, there's the problem of some doctors being biased or plainly godawful at their job/poorly designed systems ruining everything for everyone. It's probably for incompetency on those ends that a diagnosis managed to elude me for nineteen years straight. (Vividly recalling the time my school had a counselor give me an impromptu autism evaluation, in which she concluded that I "didn't seem to have autism, but would probably get along really well with autistic people." WHATEVER THAT MEANT.) But! It's not impossible to get someone who knows what they're doing! I'd love to say otherwise, but I really did just stumble into a decent doctor... There's a lot of luck involved, and man. I did not get good RNG at first. (← I'M SORRY FOR BEING A GAMER.)

I went into the evaluation doubting I had it, and heavily doubting that I'd be diagnosed, but like... Hold on let me reach across your desk and slide you the answers to the autism test. The trick is to not even try to be normal, I think. Intermittently talk about CRT monitors, and how you like learning ciphers, and Pokemon glitches—or whatever else you're into. But those specifically worked for me! "Don't mask", is what I'm saying. (Really though, I think if you're answering everything to the best of your ability, properly administered tests done by a doctor who doesn't suck should be able to diagnosis you. If they don't, then the problem is something systemic, and far beyond anything I could reasonably give advice about...)

ANYWAY! (x2) I'm honestly not sure if any of this is particularly helpful, but if you decide to pursue it, I wish you luck with getting your diagnosis!! It's definitely a bit of a hellish thing to do—but dammit, if it's worth it to you, then it's definitely worth doing.

YOUR REWARD FOR READING THIS WHOLE POST IS: "Kinesin_walking.gif"

YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH

[hindiakotanga]

Hardest question to answer: Okay ka lang ba? Kamusta ka na?

My life has been a roller coaster ride for a couple of months. Minsan, I’m asking myself, kamusta ka na nga ba Angelica?

We have our own silent battles and traumas. Lahat tayo may unsaid thoughts, and unsaid feelings. Karamihan sa atin, gusto ng sumuko kapag naiisip natin na bakit sobrang daming struggles at problema, kapag pinanghihinaan tayo ng loob at nasasaktan, kapag sobra ka ng naging strong for a long time at sobrang napagod ka na. I admit that I am one of those people before. So whenever someone is asking me: “Are you okay?”, I tend to avoid the question and laugh.

But I realized something, you cannot run from your problems, you need to face it. You can hide the pain, and smile, pero at the end of the day, you need to feel it in order to grieve. Admitting that you struggle isn’t an admission of weakness. Give yourself the time to heal, forgive yourself, and appreciate all the blessings that He gave. Minsan kasi, hindi natin nakikita na mas madami ung blessings kesa sa problema natin, na mas madami ung nagmamahal sa atin kesa sa mga umaalis. God is bigger than our problems.

Whenever we feel alone, always remember that He is with us, talk to Him, cry to Him, pray, and He will always listen. Surrender it all to God. Lahat ng bigat na nararamdaman mo, gagaan. When you accepted Jesus, and chose to follow Him, you will never be alone. God's love is beyond our imagination. He isn't just loving; He is love itself. When we experience His love, we learn to love others genuinely, and because of His love, we need not fear anything.

As the bible says, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.””

‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭31‬:‭8‬

At sa lahat ng patuloy na lumalaban sa buhay, may pinagdadaanan, nasasaktan, at nagheheal, everything will be alright in time, trust in Him. Hindi ito mabilis na process, but one day, tatawanan mo nalang ung mga pinagdaanan mo, at masasabi mo na, “Thank you Lord sa lahat. Some were blessings, and some were lessons.” You’ll find your peace, love, and comfort in Him. Iwanan ka man ng mundo, hinding-hindi ka iiwan ng Diyos.

Kapag may nagtanong sayo ulit ng “Okay ka lang ba?”, you will be confident while answering na, “Yes, I am joyful😊”

“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.”

‭‭1 John‬ ‭4‬:‭16‬

“Don’t be sad! Because God sends hope in the most desperate moments. Don’t forget, the heaviest rain comes out of the darkest clouds.”

— Rumi

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Asks January 24th

Fated Anon (TW ED), Red Flag Anon, Midnights Anon, Low-Key Anon (new), 30 people anon (new), student teacher anon (new), crash and burn anon (new)

Fated Anon

HIIII! It’s fated anon again ( I like that alias it’s so dramatic and fun I love it)

I took ur advice it helped a lot! I spoke to my friends and kinda fixed up what we had before and it helped me kinda get back on track. I never rlly realized how much all this has been messing with my head, I forgot how horrible I am with feelings. Ik it was et that long ago but just that conversation alone was so much progress which is fortunate just before exams, i have a tenancy to get a bit in my head about things and it was lowkey the worst I’ve felt in a while. Anyway for the boundaries thing, I’ve spoken to my friends and they seem to be more receptive to it than before except for one :(

I’ve took time to think about it but I think it would be better if we parted ways tbh I’ve only now realized how toxic our friendship has been. They never liked me to begin with for some reason always excessively dismissive at any chance I took to be friends. Anyway turns out they had a thing for my MULTIPLE of my friends and took it out on me??? Idk their behaviour is so odd to me. They feel the need to comment on literally everything. On my clothes, my weight, my hair, my grades, in their mind they’re the peak of human evolution which is so ufhdgchggsd. And all this feels so much worse when they know I was struggling with eating and such ( only realized it was an ed after I started recovering ) and used to make jokes about me being anorexic on the regular??? They used to make fun of my hair after I started to get comfortable wearing it curly, dirty looks and odd comments whenever my religion came up. It all feels so weird and lowkey kinda racist??? I thought I was overthinking this but it’s to the point where other friends are asking me about it. This is the kinda thing I hate, when other people get to pick and choose what cultures r ok based off weather or not their “ascetically pleasing” enough.

This is the kinda bs I’ve been dealing with for years. I got off without as many problems as a kid cause I was white passing, no problems on the schoolyard or anything but still annoyed me that no one would listen to me, but now the melanin finally showed up and a realized how shitty people can be. EXHIBIT A: the friend who genuinely thinks I can’t be mentally ill, and shoved me into the “angry black person” stereotype???? Like I’m not pulling things out of my ass this is the only way to describe it. AlicdYjuZhkjzfhK one more thing then I’ll move on cause Im on a roll rn, one of those people that think of mixed people weird??? Like better then being like totally one race and I’m sure has tried to use the one slit( I think it’s a slur still a shit thing to say regardless) idk its lowkey some Harry Potter type segregation going on but not my problem soon enough.

Im holding myself back from saying anymore but holy fuck I need to get that out of my brain even if it makes 0 sense. Anyway talked it out with my close friend and I plan on parting ways cause this is nonsense.

Anyway quick update on my girl problem, I think I may spontaneously combust. SHVFHXZBXC I can barely talk to her and she’s starting to catch on I think and I’m a shit lier and can’t say no to her so my solution is to just avoid the convo:( still can’t tell if she likes me or not cause we fit the one gay trope ever they be saying literally anything but “hey I like you 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃” idk I don’t think I’m going to make it😭😭😭 my grave will read “ here lies fated anon , cause of death: the girl was to gay to speak” this may become reality this girl has been making me lose my mind. I caught myself getting jealous at a shared playlist with another girl🙃 I know ur way past ur days of pinning being married and all but how do you deal with jealousy? Like it’ll be over the smallest things, and I know the first step is being able to realize that ur doing too much but like it’s still there?

Anywho I’ve realized that writing has been a good outlet for all this nonsense going on, idk I might start posting if I pump out somthing half decent :/

I lowkey forgot I have school and it’s past one so imma leave it at that, I write a bit much anyway sorry:( but I hope u have lovely night and thank u for everything u do Cas<3 ( I do apologize for the grammer I fear I may be a lost cause)

Hi! Honestly those friends sound like...horrible friends, tbh. I'm glad you're stepping back. So many of the things they're doing are NOT okay, and it's so good that you're working on setting boundaries and realizing that. I'm sorry that you have to do so in the first place.

As far as jealousy...yeah I think that thinking through the logic behind it might be helpful. Plenty of people share a playlist with friends, you know? But I'd also say that avoiding conversations certainly isn't going to like...help her like you. Like if there's a chance she likes you, avoiding her is just going to make her think you don't like her, and she might move on. Have you tried doing some of the things with her that you're jealous about? You can always make and share a playlist!

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Red Flag Anon

I'm not gonna copy your whole message here but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry about everything you've been going through. It sounds so scary and exhausting and just...I have no words. I'm glad you at least seem to be aware of the things you need to work on and you have a plan on how to take care of yourself. I am sending you so much love and so many hugs, and I believe in you <3

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Midnights Anon

I'm so sorry that your parents are acting this way. I think a really common thing with parents is that they let their own issues, upbringing, trauma, and emotions affect their parenting. Obviously nobody is perfect, but when it's affecting you this much, it's not fair. Do you have ways to get out of the house more? Maybe you could join some clubs or go over friends' houses? Just so you can get some distance, you know? And I'm glad that you have the coping strategy of reading fanfic. Maybe it would be helpful to come up with a list of coping strategies for when things get particularly rough?

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Low-Key Anon

Here's the beginning of your ask so you know it's you!

hiii cas :) im a moot of urs, a low-key one, and I’ve never done this before but I love ur asks cas thingy and omg I could rlly use some advice. 

Okay so...I think you should do a bit of both of what you were saying. Based on what you said, N is definitely someone you DO NOT want to be close to. The fact that N just like...admitted to hurting someone like that is insane. But I can see where you don't want to cause drama, either, and yeah, it's hard to cut someone out when you see them every day. So could you do a bit of both? Like..just pull back from N. Don't get involved in the drama, don't seek out time or conversations with N, only speak to them when spoken to. Don't give N a reason to be mad, but don't like...act all buddy-buddy, either. I think if you pull back, you'll find it'll be easier to avoid the drama as well.

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30 people anon

I wanna know if I'm in the wrong here

So me and my friend group are part of this big group chat of around 30 people

Another person in this group chat is one of my friends exes

I made some joke about how they used to date and this friend got really pissed at me because it turned out neither of them wanted anyone in the group chat that didnt already know to know they dated.

Not once was I ever told about that

My friend said I should've picked it up from "context clues"

Their ex hasn't been brought up in conversation pretty much at all since they broke up bc there wasn't any reason to bring him up

but apparently everyone refuses to bring him up as their ex which I didn't know because we have had literally no reason to talk about this man considering the fact they dated him over a year ago

Personally I don't think I'm in the wrong and I think they should have clearly stated that they didn't want everyone else to know about their relationship

But I need a second opinion because I don't trust mine alone

Honestly I think this one is hard to tell without knowing more about the dynamic of the group. But going off of what you've told me here, no, I don't think you're in the wrong. I think if someone says "oh me and x are dating!" and doesn't tell me to keep it quiet, then...there's no reason for me not to, especially around a group of supportive friends. So the same would hold true for exes.

But I guess it also depends on like...the dynamic of the group, the situation between the two people dating, the circumstances of the breakup, if the people faced any backlash from dating. Like there's so many things that could affect if it's a good idea to bring up a relationship or ex-relationship, that I can't really tell. Because yeah, if you were never told not to bring it up, you're not technically in the wrong, but there could be a million different circumstances that would make it so you still shouldn't bring it up.

SO yeah, all this to say...I dont know. (Also I asked my wife and she agrees with me)

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Student teacher Anon

hi cas!

I am asking for some advice? comfort? a sounding board? idek at this point.

Basically, I am terrified of what is happening rn in the US and I'm not sure how I get through this. on top of that fear, I am a student Teacher at a small school in a red state who is very left leaning. I listen to students every day talk about how great the horrible people are and how they're doing great things and I can't say anything without getting reprimanded and I know this won't end here. I know it'll be like this after I finish student teaching and signa contract too I have also been really struggling with my gender and know this is also not something many schools will accept.

I worry that I'm losing myself bc of teaching. I used to be a very involved activist who was speaking their mind and inspiring peers and now I feel like I'm not making any sort of a difference. I also feel like I have to hide my tattoos and change my self expression to be allowed as a teacher.

I just don't even know where this leaves me and I really don't know how to make it through life with the state if the US/world rn. leaving my state isn't an option unfortunately bc I can't leave my family here.

any advice?

Hi! I am also a teacher and all of these struggles and concerns are so valid. I have taught in a red state and I currently teach in a red town. I do want you to know though that it IS possible to find schools that allow you to express yourself and your gender, and to make a difference.

Don't get me wrong, my school still has lines I have to tiptoe, but I am able to wear what I want, identify as Mx., have purple hair and tattoos, and help run the GSA at my school. I still have to listen to the bigoted ideas come from other kids' mouths, but MY room is a safe space.

The reality is, it might take you a little while to find a school like mine because I had to be picky to find it, and when you're a new teacher, you can't be quite as picky. But if you're able to get a year or two of experience, then you'll be able to move to a new school and be pickier about what you want. Also make sure to ask the right questions in your interviews to see if the district/school is aligned with your goal (DM me if you want more details).

No matter what school you're at though, youll find that there are ALWAYS kids who are looking for an adult who understands. Even when I taught in a red state, and I had to hide my identity, the queer kids always found me and I was able to make a difference.

I know it's hard, but it is possible. Again, feel free to DM me to talk more! <3

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Crash and Burn Anon

Here's the beginning of your ask so you know it's you!

Hey, so I've been dating my boyfriend for about 3 months and 11 days. (But who's counting) And last night I was talking with my bestie.

Okay so I don't feel comfortable addressing your entire ask but I can say that it's your job to decide what you are comfortable with, not your best friend. Everyone's boundaries are different, you know? I think you need to reflect on what you want, and communicate that with your boyfriend. It sounds like he's respectful and willing to listen.

[bonesandthebees]

GODDDHFJSKAJDJFKFKJSKFKFJFJF I FINISHEDDD I'll probs do a reread and do a proper review bc I didn't get a chance to write down my thoughts while reading through the first time but eueuudufvjjsjdd I'm so emotional that was the perfect fucking ending for glass bee oh my gosh :(( 🫶🫶🫶

They mean sm to me I feel so ougohuhohigihoh

I love your fics so much man they're genuinely so incredible and I think they're the most unique this fandom has ever seen. Like glass and stars are both sooo<333 the world building?? The plot and conflicts?? Idk it's just crazy to me that we get to read this shit for free it's fuckign professional level writing bee. Thank you so so much for sharing it with us 🫶🫶🫶 I'm so lucky that it's a part of my life bc it genuinely is one of my fav things in it

You have a way of making me feel satisfied when I read your fic endings. Like. I hate it when stuff ends shfjfkf it's a problem of mine. I normally like will refuse to read/watch an ending bc I don't want it to end and also a lot of times??? I will just. Not like the ending. Either bc it's shit or the fact that it is an ending, but with your fics?? They've always been fucking amazing. I mean shfjgkf it def helps that there's another fic ur writing that I can read after this one's over, but for the actual ending part?? You write it so well man. It always ties up everything super nicely but not in like?? An unrealistic way where ur like "well that's just Too convenient". Like there's still enough of a question where the readers can leave it up to interpretation and come up with their own ideas, but all the major plot points are resolved and they all come together so nicely too?? And the last line is Always a banger. Ur so cool bee. Whenever I read the end of ur fic, I will literally smile bc im just like "aw man that's perfect" I SMILE!!! THAT'S CRAZY FOR ME NORMALLY IM SAD ITS OVER but with ur writing it's just like "damn holy shit that was perfect" rahhhssss I fucking love your writing Bee so so much

God and just... Glass is such a unique story too. Like ?? Cyberpunk religious trauma story?? Literally nothing I'd ever consume. I'm not the biggest fan of cyberpunk (I don't dislike it it's just not my preferred stuff to read) and as an agonistic person with religious trauma I normally avoid reading anything to do with religion LMAOODOFJFK (tho I've actually been trying to be more openminded and learn about all the diff types of religions and stuff) so I honestly was like "huh not sure what to expect from this fic but. It's bee so" And LORD I fucking??? Loved this fic??? So much??? Like I got so invested and I honestly really enjoyed the religious aspects of it a lot. It was such a fascinating topic like philosophy wise man. And oughhhfsjfk the way you used Wilbur vs Pronouns vs Pythia was genius. Like. That's such a creative tool to use?? Makes me appreciate writing sm. U just can't get this stuff in visual forms like tv/movies. It's just really neat seeing all the ways u play around with writing. It's super cool and impressive

Whenever I read ur writing it makes me feel like a smarter person tbh like. Just the way I turn my brain on to digest what you've written it's SOOO nice

And I am especially excited for rose bc I feel like my brain is gonna go haywire in that one too ehehehe also look at me go, finally reading a mcd fic (no literally bee. I haven't even read Passerine bc it's major character death. But I'm reading it for u. ^-^)

LORDDDFJFJ okay I gotta go do my french quiz now . And then I'll read rose ch2 BUT JUSR !!!!!!! UR AMAZING BEE !!!!! LOVE U AND UR WRITING SM !!!! TY FOR BEING EPIC ❤️❤️❤️🫶🫶🫶

awww thank you icy <3 this is so kind. I just love writing and always have, and it means so much that I have a supportive audience like you guys who are willing to read my silly stories

I'm so glad you like my endings. I always try to end my stories in just the right spot, when it feels like everything that needs to be said has been said while still leaving things open for the readers to imagine what comes next. I don't have super specific criteria for my endings, I just go with my gut on what feels right and it's worked out pretty well so far.

it makes me so happy that you took a chance on the kind of story you'd never normally read just because it was mine. I knew glass was a pretty unique concept because you don't usually see cyberpunk combined with those kinds of themes, so I was definitely a bit worried how many people would tune in for it. but I was so happy to find out that so many of you guys were willing to check it out because it was mine. like that seriously means so much to me to hear. I had such a fun time exploring those themes and emotions.

when I decided to do the pythia vs wilbur narration thing it felt like I was taking a huge risk. I was very worried that it would turn a lot of readers off to the story, but when I thought about the impact it could have as a format choice I knew I had to do it even if I lost some readers because of it. I really love experimenting with my writing and trying out new things, and as I'm sure you've noticed by now I have a particular affection for themes surrounding names and the power they hold. so it just felt like such a perfect way of diving into themes surrounding names while also getting a chance to experiment with format in a way I hadn't done before. I'm so glad it paid off well.

it means a lot that you're going to stick with under the hanging rose when you don't normally read MCD. I can't promise you won't be sad, but I can promise the MCD I have planned isn't going to be cheap or just angst fodder. it'll be narratively satisfying (or unsatisfying but in an intentional way lol)

thank you for all the love you give me icy this made me so happy to read <3 so glad you enjoyed

[taralen]

⚠️visual snow ʍous ๅɐnsᴉʌ

The thoughts drop and drip out of my skull... Mad emotional ramblings ahead. Scroll to avoid. It's quite much...ha ha.

I was speaking with a friend, and the conversation came up about seeing static or "visual noise," as one might say. I genuinely thought everyone sees the world like this and that the picture-perfectness of photographs and videos doesn't reflect real vision at all. After doing a bit of research, I discovered that I don't see like a normal person at all.

I see the world through what is called visual snow. How this looks varies per individual, but it's generally when there's a bunch of crap that seems like your eyes are a screen. For example, seeing floaters often, after images of things, small lights, rainbow noise, and static. Migraines, astigmatism, and brain damage are just some of the causes of this, but in my case, I always see the world like this. I have a weak left eye, but that's not the cause.

I don't know what it's like to see a horizon and not have it be blinding and give me intense afterimages. I thought this was normal. I thought it was normal to see noise and lines, etc, constantly. I never bothered to bring this up whenever I had my eyes checked, either.

I know other people see like me, obviously, but I'm trying to come to terms with the fact I will probably never see like I'm supposed to. I tried imagining that reality, seeing the world like the photographs and videos, and it left me crying because I don't think I ever will.

I don't know how I've been an artist this long with this problem. I'm dead serious. It makes me wonder... What else am I seeing wrong? Or even hearing wrong? Tasting wrong? Feeling wrong....

"It's so weird. It's like we're teaching you how to be a person."

What's that? I only know sadness and anger. I was told those words a long time ago, by people I no longer have in my life. It's a sentence I can never forget. Do friends say this to each other? Do they? I don't know, I truly don't.

What is this feeling I have right now, then? Am I crying because I am relieved I'm not the only one in the world who sees the world through literal garbage visuals, or am I sad because I will never have a normal sight?

What is the feeling of true happiness? I can't tell you. I have been in a box so long that I don't know what it means to feel intense positive emotions. Am I happy? Or is it something more?

What do [[you guys]] see? What? I mean, it must be something nice, right? Did I make[[ you]] laugh? I mean, if I can do that much...

"We used to talk all the time!"

But I'm not a friend. I'm your subordinate, your ex-coworker. What did I do? How do you remember me? Did I make you laugh? Leave an impression? I don't know. I can't see anything without v i s u al s n o w. I remember smiling and laughing, but I can't remember who that (me) was or why why why

Noise looks so much better against a dark background.

I was born at.... 3 AM I believe.

Ambivalence. Dancing between there and then and now.

what the hell am I doing

ḩ̿̿ͮ̀͟͏̫ ̵̵̧̞ͬ̅ͣ͝e̸̴̶̻ͧ̑ͪ͝ ̧̝̆͘͝͠l̸̩ͪ̇͛̓̕͜͠ ̷̗̇͡͠͠p̶̧̛̳̏͂̄́͢