#when she does something nice for me on purpose she uses it for a guilt trip
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Feeling kind of hollow today
#it was my birthday#which as an adult has generally not gone well so I’ve become very neutral about it#and everyone at work was so lovely#which put how my family was in contrast#so I had a lovely lunch at work with a card from all my coworkers and a cake and crumbl cookies#but in the afternoon at my desk it sunk in AGAIN that I feel more cared for at work than I do at home#not that I care about an actual celebration just being kind and acknowledging it#but when I heard ‘happy birthday’ from each colleague today it felt so genuine#everyone asked how my day was going how old I was turning#and I didn’t expect or ask for anything#didn’t expect or ask for anything at home#but it’s the fact that my mom only decided last minute to get a cake because my brother asked her if we were having cake#I would’ve been fine if she hadn’t gotten a cake I don’t even like cake that much#it’s the fact that it was an afterthought#if she had like actually asked me ‘do you want a birthday cake’ it would’ve been one thing#but she called me and said ‘your brother asked me if we were having cake so I guess I’ll see what they have at the grocery store’#when she does something nice for me on purpose she uses it for a guilt trip#and when she does something nice spontaneously it’s always in a way that makes me feel like an inconvenience#and I need to move out of this fucking house
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EPIC: The Musical
lyrics that absolutely fuck me up, feel free to change pronouns and such as needed
"A mission to kill someone's son, a foe who won't run, unlike anyone you have faced before."
"I'd rather bleed for you."
"This is the will of the gods."
"Don't make me do this."
"The blood on your hands is something you won't lose. All you can choose is whose."
"You're as old as he was when I left for war."
"How could I hurt you?"
"I'm just a man who's trying to go home."
"When does a man become a monster?"
"When does the reason become the blame?"
"Forgive me."
"We should try to find a way no one ends up dead."
"You can relax, my friend."
"Think of all that we have been through. We'll survive what we get into."
"This life is amazing when you greet it with open arms."
"I see in your face there is so much guilt inside your heart."
"Have you forgotten to turn off your heart? This is not you."
"Have you forgotten your purpose? Let me remind you."
"Don't forget that you're a warrior of a very special kind."
"Don't disappoint me."
"What gives you the right to deal a pain so deep?"
"Don't you know that pain you sow is pain you reap?"
"Your life now is in my hand."
"A trade, you see. Take from me like you took from me."
"You shall be the final man to die."
"It's just one life to take."
"When we kill him our journey's over."
"Captain?"
"You've hurt me enough."
"When I kill you, my pain is over."
"Mark my words now. This is not the end."
"Remember them."
"Who hurts you?"
"If nobody hurt you, be silent."
"He's still a threat until he's dead."
"Finish it."
"What good would killing do, when mercy is a skill more of this world could learn to use?"
"The blood we shed, it never dries."
"I am your darkest moment."
"I am the infamous _______!"
"This way, you won't disappoint me."
"This way, you won't waste my time."
"Unlike you, every time someone dies, I'm left to deal with the strain."
"I'll remind you, I saw you as a friend, but now we're done."
"This way, you won't plague my life."
"This way, you'll close the door and have your damn goodbye."
"Since you claim you're so much wiser, why's your life spent all alone?"
"You're alone!"
"This day, you sever your own head."
"This day, you lost it all. Consider this as my goodbye."
"Don't forget how dangerous the gods are."
"How much longer 'til your luck runs out?"
"You rely on wit, and people die on it."
"I still believe in goodness."
"Lead from the heart, and see what starts."
"And what will we do when it tears us apart?"
"You're like the brother I could never do without."
"How much longer 'til your strength takes leave?"
"I can't have you planting seeds of doubt."
"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."
"Sometimes killing is a must."
"Friends turn into foes and rivalries."
"Never really know who you can trust."
"The end always justifies the means."
"So much has changed, but I'm the same."
"I'm left without a choice and without a doubt."
"Ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves."
"You are the worst kind of good 'cause you're not even great."
"You are far too nice."
"Mercy has a price."
"Unlike you, I've got no mercy left to give."
"The line between naivete and hopefulness is almost invisible."
"What have you done?"
"I am your darkest moment, the monster that always draws near."
"Remember me."
"There's only so much left we can endure."
"Think of your past and your mistakes."
"No, I'm not a player. I'm a puppeteer."
"I can hardly sleep now, knowing everything we've done."
"It's a game of wits, but you don't have to play."
"A foe like ____ is not to be messed with."
"You could be hurt or you could beat her."
"I'll help you conquer her."
"Wouldn't you like your outcome preferred?"
"Don't thank me, friend, you very well may die."
"Did you do something to them?"
"I don't know who you are or why you're here, but let me make this one thing clear."
"I've got people to protect, friends I can't neglect, so now there is no turning back."
"Back at home my wife waits for me. She's my everything, my _____."
"Maybe showing one act of kindness leads to kinder souls down the road."
"This land confuses your mind."
"All I hear are screams every time I dare to close my eyes."
"I no longer dream, only nightmares of those who've died."
"Why would you let _____ live when ruthlessness is mercy?"
"I keep thinking of the infant from that night."
"____, when you come home, I'll be waiting."
"Even if you're the last thing I see, I'll be waiting."
"I took too long."
"I'll always love you."
"Your past is always close behind."
"I see a song of past romance."
"I see portrayals of betrayal and a brother's final stand."
"I see a man who gets to make it home alive, but it's no longer you."
"We've suffered and sailed through the toughest of Hells, now you tell us our efforts were nothing?"
"I see a wife with a man who is haunting. A man with a trail of bodies."
"How has everything been turned against us?"
"How did suffering become so endless?"
"Do I need to change?"
"What if I'm the monster?"
"What if I'm the problem that's been hiding all along?"
"If I became the monster, and threw that guilt away, would that make us stronger?"
"So what if I'm the monster lurking deep below?"
"If I gotta drop another infant from a wall in an instant so we all don't die, then I'll become the monster."
"I'll become the monster."
#since I haven't seen one yet#epic the musical#roleplay prompts#rp prompts#roleplay starters#rp starters#rp memes#roleplay memes#epic the musical starters#sentence starters#rp sentence starters
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The Bear: Chef or Cook, ebb / flow, say more / say less
Spoilers for season 4, onward at your own risk.
It's been a long road, we've come from "say more," pulling teeth for honest communication, and calling every corner, to "say less," "I appreciate you" and reading sign language. I think one of the most beautiful things about Syd and Carmen's growth in season 4, individually and as it relates to each other, lends itself beautifully to throwbacks from prior seasons culminating in a 4x10 masterclass.
4x6 When we hear Sugar tell Carm, "I don't want you to hide from things" as a natural continuation of their 4x2 conversation "...it's okay if you don't love it anymore" referring to the restaurant hustle, we see Carm questioning his reason for chasing stars, his sustenance, and he asks Nat how she gets through it. "I'm fueled mostly by resentment and guilt," she says before handing Sophie to Carmen. As we see him holding Soph, worried that she'll smell like #Berzatto onions (as opposed to that fresh baby smell that we laugh about while watching the Faks ogle around Sophie too), an anxious uncle and his neice, there's a new kind of reason in the kitchen. A nourishment that doesn't come from technical skill, perfectly tidy stations, elements in a dish, or accolades, but from family. Sophie is the most precious ingredient, and being her unc nourishes him. Which is beautifully intercut with Syd and her dad at the hospital in the same episode.
Syd has been fueled by family and fear of failing them, even if she doesn't always admit it outside of her thoughts. She has the hustle to chase perfection and fuels her ambition with self pressure "why can't we put everything we have into all that we do" but her eyes shine the brightest making an omelette for Sugar 2x9, or hamburger helper with toasted bread crumbs for TJ and Chantel in 4x4. At the heart of that, Syd recognizes her need for family stability when her father is hospitalized, and the fact that stability is sometimes taken for granted in the face of hustle and opportunity. "He's the consistent thing in my life, always there, proud of me even though it's obviously insane." There's also a guilt that she can't openly struggle when other people are struggling, "I can't put my mess on top of his mess." When she sits with Donna at Tiffany's wedding 4x7 and they talk about how work-family can be family-family, it's really clear that these sentiments also extend to Carmen, he represents a familial foundation (and in his absence, Cousin). Despite the fact that Carm presents a certain unbridled mess, she finds stability in the consistency of his chaos.
In 4x9, again we get more clarity through a heart to heart with Donna, as Carmyn talks about tonnato and cooks her a meal. Donna is always cooking for other people as a way to run from the hard parts, hurts, despair, to try to show her love in ways that she has been unable to verbally express, but that builds so much pressure within her that it makes her mental health worse. For the first time, at least between her and Carmen, she puts cooking aside for words. Hard truths and accountability, which shakes Carm when she says, "I'm here asking to be part of your life again, I love you, you're my baby bear." When it's all out in the open, when she tries to retreat into old habits of "I'll make you something, something nice." Carm does it instead, like taking a weight off her shoulders. But it's not a chef at work, it's a cook with purpose.
It takes us back to 3x10 with Carmy's first family meal in school when his mentor says "Why do we cook? To nurture people. People call me chef but our trade is cooking. It's profound, to be a part of people's lives." And when Carm is done cooking, we see the final product of what began in culinary school; wishbone, pope's nose and all. A chicken, French Laundry, "we prepared it everyday." Casually said, even though it's the foundation of why he started his culinary journey. And when Donna says "it's beautiful, thank you," we know in that moment that Carm made the decision to take pleasure in being a cook, not a chef. Human connection causes him so much anxiety in social situations, but it's natural through food. We see it viscerally; visiting his mother to drop off the photo album made him so nervous, but that dissolved when he cooked for her. It disappeared cooking with Mikey, in the presence of nurture.
Which is why it's not surprising that he puts the decision in writing in 4x10 when the partnership agreement says that he's leaving. But it is a fulfilling realization when he tells Syd, "You're the Bear." It doesn't all come down to talent, though she has that, nor to composure. She's still a mess, yes, she still stabbed Richie with a knife. But that doesn't obscure the fact that she's been motivated by nurture whereas that's a way to cook and live that Carm is trying to rediscover in himself. And why it's so consequential when Syd calls Carm her partner and Carmen call Syd his friend.
"You love this."
Yeah, for whatever f***** reason...
"That wasn't a question. (4x2, Soubise, firing a sub 3:00 cavetelli) You're everything I was never going to be. You allow yourself to feel things...you have seven people in this building who would jump in front of a train for you right now. Any chance of anything good coming from that building, it started when you walked in. Any chance of it surviving, it's with you."
Why would you say that? I can't put my mess on top of his mess.
"I believe in you more than I have ever believed in myself." I'm proud.
Why? Even when it's obviously insane.
"Because you're the Bear." I love you, more.
You're leaving! He's always there.
"You don't need me."
I know I don't need you, that's not the point. You're supposed to be here you're the consistent thing. You're my partner.
I want to be part of your life again. "I'm your friend." You're my bear.
Family.
#fx: the bear#the bear season 4#sydney x carmy#carmy berzatto#sydney adamu#jeremy allen white#ayo edebiri#the Bear is some of the best storytelling on television#uncle Carmen#this is my home I'm not going anywhere#who the f*** has time for gestures?#f*** yes Chef Sydney. It is my honor#this show is a love letter to Chicago and to family and I cannot get enough#the whole thing will come full circle if we ever get a season 5 when Carmy walks into a restaurant for a Chef Syd meal experience#devotion#human connection - it's all we've got#found family
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time for me to join the jwct headcanonposting club ... this is probably part 1 for these two since I have A LOT. call this one the cute domestic ones then we'll do angst. OK SO
raptormoms hcs
In my head Handler somehow escaped after being swallowed by a dinosaur (I won't go into the gory details but she CUT her way out) and Soyona escaped being arrested… then they fell in love after the world's most excruciating slowburn and now live on their very own raptor ranch (I need them to be happy or I die ok.)
Since they are close, Handler does speak to Soyona. Sometimes, though, she just doesn't feel like talking, and Soyona totally understands that and gives her space
Soyona often makes Handler lift heavy objects for her. She's perfectly capable of doing it herself, she just likes to watch (she loves her buff wife)
Soyona calls her “Lilly,” shortened from her full name, Lillian. She also loves lilies because of her
Handler doesn't use pet names especially often, but when she does, Soyona LOVES it. She tries not to show how much she does, but she's not great at it (she gets a very sweet smile on her face every time)
The pet names Handler gives her are usually German ones (her native language)
Soyona uses them really often. She always calls her “darling,” “love,” or “sweetheart”—things like that
You wouldn't guess it but they're actually both very physically affectionate
Soyona is always playing with Handler's hair, and Handler just likes to stick close to her, leaning on her like a clingy dog LMAO
They always cuddle when they go to sleep i don't make the rules
Both of them were raised by single mothers growing up, and they bond over this sometimes, sharing stories from their childhoods
Soyona absolutely loves Handler's German accent
Soyona often stays up way too late to finish her paintings when she gets really focused. Handler has to drag her to bed sometimes because she's half asleep at the easel.
Sometimes Handler picks her up, and Soyona gets very flustered every time
Soyona likes the shower water absolutely boiling while Handler likes it like the arctic ocean. Neither can understand how the other survives like this
Handler really likes bugs and tries to convince Soyona to let her keep a pet spider or centipede. She is not successful.
Handler likes to bite her shoulder sometimes. Not in any sort of romantic way. Just to show affection and annoy her/freak her out 😭
Soyona really loves Handler's eyes. Even when she stares blankly at her for a little too long
She honestly loves that she's a little weird and unsettling. It's just cute to her
As mentioned in my Handler specific headcanons, she can eat raw meat and enjoys it. However, she has to pay the price of no kissing Soyona for a week afterwards. Soyona thinks this habit is extremely disturbing but she supports her anyway. Still she is not risking food poisoning.
Neither could already cook very well, but they learned together. One time, Soyona ended up cooking something that Handler's late mother used to make for her, and it made her emotional. Soyona had no idea of its significance to her, so it was really sweet
Sometimes Handler lets Soyona paint on her, mostly on her arms/hands, but sometimes on her back
Soyona often gets migraines, and Handler always does everything she can to make her feel better. She'll make her tea, wrap her up in blankets and let her sleep while she takes care of the chores (or she'll sit next to her and stroke her hair)
Soyona often does Handler's makeup for her, and dresses her up in nice clothes (normally handler does NOT gaf about fashion at all)
Much like Kenji, Handler will sometimes sleep holding a raptor egg since she doesn't want to leave it alone. Soyona thinks it's a little odd, but she admires her dedication
Soyona is VERY sensitive to Handler sustaining injuries, especially if she had anything to do with it (she NEVER hurts her on purpose ofc). She lives in constant guilt over what she did to her in the past, so it really gets to her
if anybody wants to draw/write any of these you are MORE THAN WELCOME!! just tag me so I can see it and scream about it /pos
#yas😁😁😁😁#i love them your honor#jwct#headcanonposting#chaos theory#soyona santos#the handler#the handler jwct#raptor lady#raptormoms#whistlelight#soyona x handler#jwct headcanons
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We talk about "show don't tell" in stories, but in podcasts it's impressive when they can do that through the audio format specifically, and one example of this that always sticks with me is in the Silt Verses S1 EP7, It Carries Few It Drowns Many. We're introduced to Paige Duplass describing her daily routine in a life that is seemingly perfect, that she's incredibly lucky and priveliged to have ended up where she is, considering she never thought she would make it this far, and how harsh and hostile the world of the Silt Verses we've seen can be up to this point, for Paige everything seems normal and accepted, with their safe and sanitized gods that are kept as much removed from people's sight as possible.
She has a successful job that pays well, a nice apartment with a beautiful view, etc. This is all undercut with her following up with "this is how you make things worse" referring to her dad messaging and calling her every day asking for money, seemingly the one black spot in this perfect life Paige has built for herself.
One part of her day we do not ever hear her describe however is her drinking heavily after coming home from work each day. But she does. She's opening a bottle every day after work, we hear the popping of the cork and her pouring a glass for herself. It's something conveyed to us only through the audio. This in tandem with her contemplating that despite this life she's built up for herself, the kind of life that one should be content and happy with, it still feels hollow and devoid of purpose, and she's left wondering if this is what happiness and fulfillment is supposed to be.
It gets worse over the course of the next few days when she learns people are going to be let go and sacrificed as the company she works for rebrands and switches from the Bronze Savant to a new god, Crawling in Ecstasy, which includes her friend Vaghn, and she becomes more and more distressed with each passing day, and trying to reason that none of this can really be happening, that it's too crude, that they'd surely do something more elegant, that the company that she works for that's giving her the means for this comfortable life and nice car and free pastries and wellbeing workshops wouldn't do something like this, and if they do it'd only be to the people who really deserved it, the worst of the worst, and they'd do it out of sight, and if it's out of sight they can ignore it, because it's not really happening. (Paige is also drinking before any of this occurs to when she comes home from work each day though)
It's clear that the drinking is part of Paige trying to numb and distance herself from the realities of what this life and the world she lives in is built upon, because it's accepted and considered "normal", and is also a filling of the void and guilt she feels of having all this comfort in spite of this.
And after watching her friend Vaghn be sacrificed and transfigured into a Saint for the Crawling In Ecstasy and immediately killed, she comes home to her apartment, and we hear her popping open another bottle. A pause. And then the smashing of a bottle, the breaking point to which Paige can no longer numb herself to the cruelties and indifferences of this world and her life, that she can't continue on as she is now, as the world is now, and it's so fucking satisfying.
Again, very small part of storytelling in the series for one character in one episode, but I love it nonetheless.
#the silt verses#paige duplass#tsv#podcasts#it's funny because out of oyr main cast you would expect Hayward or Carpenter to be the no1 contenders for#most likely to be an alcoholic#but nope it's our dear fucked up darling angel Paige#paige: I'm so normal. my life is great and this is what being happy and fufilled is like. also paige: drinks heavily
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The Wreckage
sequel to Look Both Ways where we get the reason why Lily left and why Tommy and Eva couldn't make it work after she filed for divorce.
cw: refrenced suicide attempt, mental illnesses, unhealthy coping mechanisms, angst, drama, murder accusations.
you know something nice to distract yall from the US Elections tonight
@justrainandcoffee @littlepeakydevil @zablife @call-sign-shark @hoodeddreams13 @thegreatdragonfruta

After Eva had that vision of Lily blowing her brains out, she takes the first train back to Small Heath and gets there just in time to stop her.
They have a much-needed talk, it falls on Eva to convince the redhead that it is not her fault.
Considering they are all in various states of disrepair, the witch fucking hates to be the Strong one while the other two points of the triangle get to lose their shit about it. Eva is too busy trying to keep them from hurting themselves to even mourn her own loss.
Tommy isolated himself and got so drunk he ended up in a holding cell for his own safety, Lily ended up believing the Shelby Clan’s words that she shouldn’t have remained Tommy’s lover when he decided to court and marry Eva.
Eva barely had time to settle in leased townhouse the Riley Family use in London before the Universe decided she could not just wash her hands of them and move on with her life. She hates it when her powers force her to be a better person.
The witch had to explain how her previous relationships had not left her in the condition needed to accept having a man who is not entirely hers, how she knows they will all be the better for it and that if anyone is at fault it is Eva for being too desperate to avoid her impending execution.
“How do you hold yourself together like that?” Lily had asked as she confided in her about her plans to seek out her maternal family. She needed time as well, they all did.
“Because neither you nor Tommy have given me the chance to properly fall apart. It's easy to hold yourself together when you don't have a choice.” The witch admitted wryly, she was as honest with Lily as she was with Tommy ---sometimes she’d use it to purposely hurt them to assuage her need of space and the fear that Tommy didn’t love her as much as she did him. “Trust me, I should have been in London crying my heart out and fucking a stranger with a thing for pregnant women instead of bailing Tommy out and keeping you from making my decision to save myself obsolete.”
“Then why save me? You could have been happy with him; you are giving him a child.” The redhead ---still wallowing in her despair and guilt--- demands to know why Eva didn’t seize her chance at happiness. “He said you told him you’d have four children and live in the country.”
“And if I had let you die, I would still be second place even if you were a ghost tormenting him. No life is worth living with a man who doesn’t love you the way you need him to anyways.” The dark-haired woman answered bluntly as they sat down a little further away from what would have been a crime scene.
“I can’t stay here. Not when everyone blames me for it.” By everyone she does mean everyone.
The Shelbys had taken Polly’s side and everyone else correctly guessed Tommy having a lover is what destroyed the fairytale romance.
It was a terrible place to be, Eva had barely considered how cruel they’d be to Lily, only focused on leaving a man who placed Lily and her needs over hers time and time again. Why Tommy couldn’t just marry her and avoid this mess was beyond Eva’s comprehension.
Marriage is safety when you do not love in the conventional way.
“Have you finally given my suggestions to find your mother and your aunt some thought?” she asked the Red Demon who had been reluctant on accepting Eva’s offer to help her find her family because neither she nor Tommy appeared to be capable or surviving without the other.
They could, they are just too pessimistic and they refuse to give it a real, honest try. Eva had been there once, and now seeks to pull them out of the dark waters even if they like it there.
“Yes, maybe if I had said yes when you offered the first time we wouldn’t be in this mess.” And because Lily wants to see if Tommy would be happy without her here. Not by being the ghost haunting him, but as the lover who left him. “You should’ve told me we were making you feel unloved.”
“I know, but I feared losing him, and while I do get on with you, I do not like you that way. We are just too different.” Part of Eva still wants the life she saw with Tommy that morning in Brighton. Is it wrong for her to desire her own happiness after life took everything from her? Why was she losing her one thread to life again? Why couldn't someone else be the one to sacrifice their happiness for her instead of her doing it every single time?
Perhaps with her unlikely rival out of the way, they can see if that vision can still be true.
“I had guessed as much. I am not as ignorant as Polly makes me look.” Her ex lover nodded in agreement, and both said their goodbyes before parting ways.
The last person seen with Lily was Eva. A gunshot was heard and only Eva came back.
There was no body nor signs of a struggle, but he knows what the witch is capable of. She had one demand when he refused to sign the papers in London.
Me or Her.
And when he refused to choose her then and there, he left to drown out his sorrows and make his choice.
He loved both women. He loved Eva fiercely, loved her fire, her strength and her ambition to take back everything she had lost.
But he loved Lily more. He couldn’t just leave her like this. It would kill her. He knew Eva was right, the witch had never been wrong even that rainy day they met.
“We will have everything we have ever wanted, mi amor.” She had proclaimed that morning after their wedding.
Four children, a baronetcy, a career in politics. They would be as happy and as in love as they were that morning.
He had been a fool to assume she saw Lily in it.
And because he was going to choose Lily over her, Eva killed her.
She was just as damaged as them. Lost everything she ever had, and now that she stood to lose the chance to have it all again with him, the witch took it.
What Lily was capable off wasn’t close to what Eva could do. Eva had the advantage of money and magic...and training in espionage and murder by a woman named Frida Solomons.
“You killed her!” he cannot contain himself when he finds her still packing up what she owned in Ada’s old room. She had moved there when it became clear he would sleep with both women.
Eva is shocked from his words angry in ways he had never seen. The words had hurt her like a blow to the stomach and woke the beast underneath the soft warm skin
“Oh, yes, because I would be so fucking sloppy as to have the murder weapon in my hands and be so obvious!” The witch mocks him and denies it. "If I had killed her, you would have never found out about it."
He should’ve known she wanted him to choose her.
He couldn’t choose so she choose for him.
“You killed Lily!” he shouts again as he comes to shake her and demand to know why she did this to her.
Eva slaps him hard enough to leave the mark of the wedding and engagement ring still on her finger.
“I didn’t fucking kill her! Why would I go through all the trouble of divorcing you if I intended to kill her?” the witch shouts back when even her hand on his cheek is not enough to break him out of that thought.
“Then where is she? Why were you the only one to come back here?” He knows deep down she didn’t and yet he cannot stop his mind from finding a reason to believe she did.
“She needed time away from here, to get away from a place that hates her. Just as I am doing.” We need to be away from you.
“Then why didn’t she tell me?” he asks the woman who he knows won’t ever forgive him.
“You wouldn’t have let her go, just as you are not man enough to let me go.” She hates as strongly as she loves, and now Tommy knows what the Witch’s anger feels like. “Just as you are so fucking full of it that you fucking came here and accused me of killing your precious Lily.
Me, the mother of your child, the wife you promised to love and cherish before God and Men; and you couldn’t even love me enough to give me the presumption of innocence.” Her anger turns to hot tears as she lets him have it. “I should’ve left England when I had the chance.”
Tommy has only seen Eva cry three times in his life. The day he taught her to shoot, the day she left him and the day he killed her love for him. She said she had lost the ability to cry all together when the last of her family died and yet he had been the only person to get her tears flowing again.
“I'm sorry, I don’t know what came over me. I know you would never do that.” Even when he means it, even when he tries to show her how truly sorry he is for the way he acted, for the fucking way he doubted her like this, his wife flinches away form him.
Moves away from him as if his touch physically hurt her. And it had, Eva felt things deeply, the same passion with which she loved was the same as the one she hated and grieved with.
“If it had been me who disappeared, you wouldn’t have accused Lily of killing me.” She won’t ever forgive him, there is no love for him in her eyes only hatred he created and he will have to live with that for the rest of his days. “You do not love me like you love her, now I wonder if you ever loved me at all.”
But he does love her, and that is what makes it all worse. He’s lost her even when that is the last thing he wanted to do.
“Evie, please---” Tommy chases after her, refusing to accept the defeat he crafted with his own bloody hands.
“I will never set foot here unless you are dead.” The witch refuses to look at him as she too walks out of his life and leaves him standing on the wreckage of their love.
She was right when she called him a fucking fool when it comes to love. Always right when it comes to him and not once has she ever lied to him.
Which is why he will set this right, even if it means following her to London.
story continues in Perhaps
#evacore#eva smith shelby#tommy shelby x oc#thomas shelby fanfic#peaky blinders fanfiction#tommy x eva#tommy x lily#lily callaghan
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S18e5 live reactions!!!
Spoilers…obviously
sorry for the late post this week! i couldn’t get to it in time last night
last week feels so long ago that i am actually watching the full recap
this scene makes me think jj is going to do something incorrect bc her mind is still not in it yet (understandably)
jaje, be careful.. something feels awry
this person is going to remind jj of herself or something i think
she is definitely one of those people
what kind of doctor is dr.ochoa again?? i forget
side note - jj’s hair looks amazing
basically what is tough for her is that she’s forgetting her instincts and is becoming more reactive instead of proactive — i feel like she needs hotch to talk to
i love how all of JJ’s episodes (her main ones at least), are flashback episodes
i love a good camera angle - this is a cool shot around the round table
i love penelope’s dress!
i like this shot of them walking out one by one from the roundtable room, is so interesting!
“i had to when i was on it” is so fucking funny
i love emily’s outfit!!
i love emily as unit chief, she’s the perfect balance of authoritative and friend - most probably because she’s been one of them
something about “wheels up.” is so comforting, especially when em says it
i honestly think that the lighting issue works for this episode…most of the time it’s kinda frustrating but it adds something to this episode, dark!jj
jemily are wearing matching shirts!
“emotionally constipated group of experts i have worked with” is so painfully accurate that i actually paused to laugh
also the self-awareness of the show this season is nice
okay i think I’m starting to understand the role that ochoa plays - to me she feels like an intentional foil to the BAU, to challenge them
ok so elias remembers a lot - but what he doesn’t remember is the intention, the pain, the anger
not ochoa pandering to elias lol
elias feels guilt now - that’s the difference
lol not her comparing elias and JJ
i love how greenvez are dressed the exact same too
i feel like we haven’t seen a “give the profile” scene in a while!
JJ’s always been WAY too tough on herself
we NEED a hotch-jj moment, he’s exactly what she needs rn
how does he get in?
this is such a cool shot, with JJ in the foreground and ochoa in the background and the transition
lost him when she was 15, like Henry. the loss like Will . EXACTLY like Will
i like they are not rushing JJ’s recovery, grief
aww that’s a great line
i love how this season is really getting to the humaness of everything and of the characters
lol Emily is so damn funny
which you, Penelope? WHICH YOU?
where’s the backstory though? usually they have unsub backstories
careful, jj
if anything, not that it was needed, but will’s death and her grief has only made her a better profiler
we need a badass JJ moment right now, it’d be the perfect payoff
oh that’s why no backstory, because there is none
“it sounds better in Latin”, lol that’s hilarious
oh, she needs to imagine Will. she needs to need to speak to Will, even if not in person
and thus, marks the longest time elias has ever been silent
i’m actually surprised that jj’s allowing herself to be so vulnerable around elias - but i guess it’s a good call back to line that she’s “more open with strangers than people who know her”
luke, penelope and tyler all standing together? okay, the writers are definitely doing this love triangle shit on purpose, and i got to hand it to them, it’s kinda funny
is okay, ty-ty, breathe
ok, he’s definitely lying
he’s not going to recognize him, something’s up
well, i was not expecting a hug, but…ok?
frankly, i loved the slowness of this episode, the intentionality, the way every line and every scene seemed so purposeful
look, i know we don’t always get what we want with this show, and we’re always looking for something between the characters that is implied but never played out, but I truly think that this is one of their best seasons yet - they’ve gotten so good at allowing us to get to know better these people that we’ve loved so dearly for years as well as exploring human nature so openly and explicitly
plus, the acting is just so good, i’m sure this is not the first time i’ll say this in s18, but aj’s just incredible this season
until next time, folks!
- FF
#criminal minds#criminal minds evolution#garvez#luke alvez#tyler green#jennifer jareau#emily prentiss#david rossi#tara lewis#penelope garcia#elias voit#julia ochoa#greenvez#willifer#william lamontagne jr#criminal minds s18#cm s18 reactions#garvez fanfiction
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my thoughts on tlou hbo s2e1
pros
i didn't think i would like isabela merced as dina but she actually does a good job with how endearing and dorky dina is. and i like how they're giving us more of ellie/dina being friends.
tommy and joel having inside jokes is so funny like "the constructo-meter" or whatever that was? adorable, i love them.
gabriel luna did a great job with tommy, as always. he has this goofy tenderness to him that is so real and true. i can't wait to see how he handles seattle and everything that comes after.
i LOVED dina and joel having a relationship. i'm absolutely a "joel would have adopted dina as another daughter if he'd lived" truther and i think it's a great use of time to give them a relationship.
old man uncle joel is soooooo cute. and so in character. and i liked seeing his job in jackson.
i think i like that joel and ellie are actually talking some? i can't decide. it's definitely different from the game but i always headcanoned that they had moments in between the silence and anger. so i like it so far.
owen is hot???? i don't like his character in the game but at least now he's not terrible to look at lmao
the gustavo santaolalla cameo was so nice omg :')
cons
bella ramsey is doing okay as older ellie, but there's definitely something off about her portrayal compared to the game. ellie is shy, she's not a rebel for the sake of being a rebel, and she's also not a huge bitch lmao. ellie's not really mouthy in the game because she's awkward and shy. bella's ellie is a lot more aggressive and kind of bratty, and not in a good way.
ellie would NEVER be as casual and flippant about her immunity as she was in that scene. that scene was a really bad choice imo. ellie's immunity is an awful weight to her, an unfulfilled purpose and a constant reminder of her survivor's guilt and ultimate uselessness (in her mind). not something that she uses to be impulsive and manipulative and break the rules.
what in the fresh fuck was up with the therapy scene. i said it from the first time we saw that clip that joel would not fucking be going to therapy. and it felt weird and took away from joel's character (he thinks he's a generally good guy??? no the fuck he does not???? that man has so much guilt and self-hatred just for failing sarah not to mention everything else?? he does NOT think he is owed ellie's love and is NOT pissy about her being angry with him. never. not my joel. what the fuck.)
additionally, a lot of time was devoted to the therapist's backstory and feelings (like..... ma'am who the fuck are you) so she's some constantly intoxicated apparently former wife of eugene's who took up way too much screen time with her angst. cool, i guess.
they aged jesse up? which makes dina/jesse lowkey creepy? maybe i imagined that but if they aged him up i don't like that.
jackson seems less warm. maybe the colors or the set but something was off that made it feel not as cozy. the council meeting not just being at tommy and maria's house with cups of coffee but all official was weird too.
messing with the timeline is..... confusing. idk maybe it'll work out but as someone who started their 547th replay of the game this morning i couldn't tell what was going on timeline wise in the show.
so far i don't like kaitlyn dever as abby, mostly because she's not jacked. she's like a tearful little scrawny thing. not abby, imo.
wtf was up with dina's hat don't do my girl like that
abby's crew looks nothing like their game versions to the point where i didn't know who was who
i wish they had kept the opening from the game. joel and tommy talking it out right when they come back is such a good, emotionally tense way to start the story. maybe they'll do a flashback but i think that was a missed opportunity.
overall it was an....... interesting start. really it felt kind of clunky, like it was trying to squeeze too much into one episode. but there are good parts that make me hopeful, so i guess i'd say i'm cautiously optimistic about the rest of the season.
#please come talk to me about it!!!!!#sorry to my moots but i'll tag all my tlou stuff as always#tlou hbo#the last of us hbo
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@alphabetpal your beautiful mind
Kieran constantly doubts his relationship with the gang. The slightest hint of annoyance and he is mentally preparing himself to be thrown out. Overthinks interactions constantly. He still thinks he needs to be useful to have a purpose to the gang, which is why asking him to 'help' with something is such a quick way to over-ride the change is scary part of his brain and introduce new things. He keeps a backpack ready with the bare necessities for survival if he did need to run. Over years, later decades, it might collect dust, but the backpack never goes away.
One of the reasons he retreats into his room when distressed is to re-pack his bag and make sure he has everything he couldn't live without. When Hosea was in hospital, he was not doing well. He cried because not only would losing Hosea be devastating, because Hosea is decent to him and they spend so much time together, but he was preparing himself to lose his home. He went through his bag a dozen times trying to figure out what he would need, certain Arthur or Bessie was going to turn around and blame him for Hosea getting sick and throw him out.
But Kieran and Bessie. If he ever thought Bessie was actually mad at him, it might kill him. Bessie is a lifeline because she wasn't there in canon era. She has no obligation to him. He whole-heartedly believes Hosea, Lenny and Arthur, despite being some of his favorite people, are only so much nicer to him in modern era because of the guilt of seeing what happened to him: both during the VDLs and his death.
He still feels like the pretender. Hosea might be like a dad to him, but he isn't his dad the way he is for Lenny and Arthur. Hosea is still Mr Matthews, right-hand of the VDLs, and he is still a former-O'Driscoll. That feeling never goes away, and every time someone else timewarps it comes back tenfold. It is a subpoint in picking up someone new from canon era is making it clear that Kieran is one of them and the 1899 gang will defend him if needed because they know how sensitive he is to that fear of being thrown out or pushed aside.
Bessie is his mom. She is so overwhelmingly kind and patient, and she has no reason to be. He was so suspicious of it at first, because people aren't just nice. Begging to know what he can do to repay her for buying him clothes because no one just gives people things. Maybe she would turn around one day and suddenly demand everything returned or repaid? She was already referring to him as her son when Kieran was still working his way through 'is she doing this because she pities me or could it actually be possible someone doesn't mind my presence'. Of course it took months for her to convince him to call her Bessie instead of Mrs Matthews.
Hosea being in hospital was actually the event where Kieran's brain finally clicked 'yes Bessie does actually like me as a person' only to steamroll into 'this is my mom and I love her and would kill or die for her'. Hospitals are sensory hell, and Kieran has his own trauma with hospitals after the first day he timewarped he is flinching and holding his sleeve over his nose because the smell of disinfectant feels like it burns. The fact he even came along was deeply touching to Hosea, how explicit the action in itself made it clear Kieran does worry and care about him. But hospitals are hell. Once he was satisfied Hosea was actually going to be okay, and was doing better, Kieran politely excused himself.
After making sure her silly husband and their poor emotional sons were okay, Bessie tracked Kieran down like a man on a mission. Sure enough, Kieran had found his way to the smoking area, because he is also one of the more useless members of the gang when it comes to quitting - and a smoking area is usually quiet, tucked away from everything, and smoking in itself is a sensory break. When Bessie Matthews held out a hand, Kieran was so shocked he almost dropped his own cigarette.
Bessie laughed and told him not to look at her like that. She has quit, quit long before the gang got to modern era - but sometimes she just needs a cigarette. Her husband being in hospital and son about to get arrested for assaulting the next nurse to walk into the room was a good enough reason to need a cigarette. It would have to be their secret. Immediately Kieran is at ease because being trusted with a secret as scandalous as the Bessie Matthews smoking is hilarious.
She proceeded to tell him about her plan to hide the cigarettes at home, which Kieran found very amusing (honestly they all have at least one pack tucked away for bad days), and also warning him that Kieran was not to give him a cigarette. She knows her husband is a bastard and would ask Kieran first because he thinks Kieran is too much of a gentle soul to say no but she was expressly giving him permission to say no and to go to her if Hosea tries to pull any funny business. When he agreed, she smiled, very gently put a hand on his shoulder and said something to effect of 'that's my boy'.
Even if she's said it a hundred times before it was the first time his brain noticed. The two of them stood there together, not needing to talk, having a very sneaky cigarette outside of the hospital, Kieran feeling a little warm and fuzzy because Bessie Matthews had decided he was her boy and it felt nice. She proceeded to let him sit in the car to avoid the escalation that was no doubt going to happen in the hospital room and it really just sank in that all those efforts to make sure he's content and happy is because she genuinely cares and thinks of him as one of her boys.
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hi. i always see your analysis and theories in my dash and they're always so well thought and interesting and conecting a lot of things i personally would never think to conect but actually make so much sense when put like that
so hm, not to be weird online, but how does one learn to like interpret and understand what's going on on a piece of midia, yk, cause only consuming doesn't do it? Anyway
your edits are really nice

FIRST OFF this is soo nice omg thank you <333 also never worry about being weird online i'm always more unhinged, this is an unhinged space
which ironically is kind of the best way to get good at literary analysis tbh! I wrote a post about it here but that was more on how to organize thoughts / write meta > finding the things to write meta about (aka the "this feels gratuitous" draft is still in my drafts as we speak — might be time to clean it and some others up and post it).
In a lot of ways there tends to be like.... two main avenues for analysis? Which is an oversimplification but is making sense to me in the moment, and I'd specify the divide is
Treating characters like people (characterization, relationships) vs treating characters like tools (motifs, symbols, plot structure, dynamics).
Ideally, a narrative merges these two things so completely it's hard to separate, and I think TDP does an extaordinarily good job at it. I'll call this marriage Theme since its the main idea(s) of the Story/Narrative and everything should at its best be working together in service of the Theme if you want something cohesive.
I'll use Callum and Rayla as an example just cause I think they exemplify a Lot of how/why this all works and works as well as it does.
If I want to write about Callum and Rayla's internal psyches, i.e. where does Callum's temper or Rayla's gruffness come from? I'm going to look at them as people. They're going to have consistent triggers, responses, contradictory emotions or emotional reactions, etc. This is like the how you wrap a present, the colour and feel of the paper. Any character in a story can technically have any kind of personality, i.e. an assassin can be sweet and snarky (like Rayla) or stoic and rigid (Runaan). That's not all they are, of course, but the characters' personalities often times affect how and why we ship what we do, or have certain favourites, etc.
For example, Callum's primary Narrative Purpose is to be a human mage. He's there to explore the range of possibilities a human who wants/chases magic in the story can have, and we pretty closely follow his magical journey of feeling powerless, struggling and achieving primal magic, and guilt and desperation that drives him to dark magic. But absolutely none of this means that Callum needed to have a temper.
To see the way a character trait can be married to a motif (repeating symbol) let's look at Rayla. Rayla can be secretive — not telling people everything and being closed off about her emotions — and often leaves to try do things on her own, occasionally flat out disappearing. These are her personality traits (characterization), most of these psychological aspects come back to not feeling like she deserves help or not wanting to hurt people, thereby hurting her relationships. She's a person.
At the same time, these traits help us as the audience understand and grasp how the series treats the Moon and its arcanum. The Moon is a symbol, and it's all about changing faces, secrets, and illusions. We don't know whether the ideas for the Moon arcanum (which seem to be loosely taken from Tarot) or Rayla's personality came first, but it's clear that at some point they merged to reflect each other.
If I want to talk about Rayla as a person, I'll talk about how her personality/choices affect her relationships. If I want to talk about how she reflects her primal or how she choices affect the plot, I'll be talking more about structure. If I want to talk about how both of those things say, in a speculative meta about Callum connecting to the Moon arcanum as he understands Rayla (and himself) better, then I'd be talking about both simultaneously (theme).
But those are all like, examples of how you can break stuff down that you see. How do you go looking for stuff / know what to break down?
1) Pick a piece of media, ideally one you already feel very comfortable and familiar with. Book, show, whatever. This familiarity means you can focus less on the processing the plot and more about other elements of the story. Then watch or read the thing but try to pay attention to like, a few pre-chosen ideas or themes. It could be the theme of power, or — I'm thinking for something like ATLA - how the characters reflect their elements (Aang is evasive and avoidant, and air is light and breezy, etc).
For a TV show in particular, it can mean breaking things down scene by scene in an episode to see what the anchoring idea of it, i.e. 1x06 in TDP is all about Soren, Claudia, and Rayla keeping secrets. Soren and Claudia keep their secrets and isolate themselves, because isolationism in the series is usually Bad; Rayla shares her secret, because working through problems and letting people help you (being collaborative) is Good, etc. These messages are pretty consistent throughout the rest of the show as well.
If applicable, I'd recommend starting out with stories where you already know the ending and/or even better, the story itself is aware you know the ending from the beginning (i.e. in Titanic, you always know the ship is going to sink). This can help you pick up on dramatic irony (everyone emphasizing the ship won't sink) as well as setup (the movie making sure we know there's not enough boats, people making the boat go faster, the moment the ship hits the iceberg literally separating Jack and Rose from each other to set up what happens later, etc).
2) If you wanna learn how to analyze, to a certain degree you have to learn to shut down your feelings and biases. This doesn't mean that feelings can't affect how you analyze, or dictate what you want to analyze (I feel very positively towards TDP and therefore I want to deeply analyze it! same with Rayllum) but it does mean leaving "I want this thing so it has to happen" at the door — or vice versa.
The best example I can give is a hypothetical one. For example, it kind of doesn't matter if I — personally — think that Callum and Rayla have known each other that long to know each other well. (I don't, for the record, but bear with me.) In the Text of the Story, they know each other incredibly well, and more to the point, thematically, their senses of self are so incredibly intertwined that them affirming each other's senses of self is like... the only place we could be going. Rayla is "Rayla saves people," so by saving a possessed Callum she's saving herself, and if she goes to kill him, she's likewise metaphorically going to be killing herself (her own sense of identity), etc.
Or for a non-ship example, my real life feelings about monarchy don't matter. I don't like monarchy, I think most western monarchies are crap... and I'd be silly if I brought those feelings into TDP's discussion of monarchy, because they're using monarchy as a vessel to discuss things like power, responsibility, and growing up, particularly for Ezran and Janai (and how often do we see non-white monarchies in media anyway?). And if I want to engage with those themes, then I have to engage with TDP's discussion of monarchy.
It's kind of like how even if something in a story grosses you out or makes you uncomfortable, you have to be really damn sure that wasn't an Intentional writing choice on Purpose or a chance for self reflection before it's launched as a complaint.
Doing this kind of awareness and predictive work also means you'll get better at predicting where stories might be going and leaving ahead of time if something is going off the rails / not going your way (in a bad way).
3) Growing a list of common themes and symbols that stories tend to have. Birds = freedom, chains = entrapment and coercion, grief, identity (particularly in coming-of-age stories), etc. If you have a loose idea of what to look for, that means you can also start to look at the specifics of how stories use these themes/symbols. For example, Midsummer Night's Dream and Romeo and Juliet both feature a theme of love amongst forbidden lovers, but the first is a comedy (love conquers all, even if it makes people foolish) and the second is a tragedy (love is not always enough to conquer hate/violence/our worst impulses).
For example in TDP, although it was in the background in s1-s3, light and darkness has now become a very overt motif (repeated symbol) in both dialogue and imagery. Tracking what those things represent or how the show complicates their meaning (light isn't always good, etc) can help indicate where certain characters or plot beats are going.
This can also mean trying to notice consistent metaphors (i.e. dark magic is often consumed by the caster for spells / referenced with cannibalistic language; dark magic corruption is increasingly seen as spreading sickness/illness) and then being on the lookout for the next time(s) they show up. So much of media literacy / critical thinking is just being able to explain/figure out why you think what you think (with evidence) and it's always a skill that can be nurtured and improved
End of Blabbing
Very long winded but hopefully helpful, and always feel free to ask more questions and/or DM if you'd like! I always love talking about stuff like this and it's such a treat tbh <3
#thanks for asking#anonymous#writing advice#the english major strikes again#long post#analysis series
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elaborate on your last post?
i've actually been marinating on this more or less nonstop! like how to phrase it and stuff. i have, like, notes.
& part of this is i had some spoilers as to who mickey WAS before i watched the show because he was what was dangled in front of my face like a pie in a window to get me to watch shameless. but the thing about mickey is like every thing you learn about him CAN absolutely be traced to his behavior in s1. mickey's one of the most consistently and unrelentingly himself characters in the show (the other is debbie). everyone else has like personality crises.
you can fit a shitload of development into someone like mickey being aggressively himself the whole time because he has every reason to be afraid of the consequences of his personality w/out actually being insecure or not knowing himself. so we as the viewer get to know him w/out any of the information being startling in any way from the jumpoff of s1. it's insane that i'm pretty sure he was meant to only exist in season one i just know he'd be haunting some psyches.
he like never apologizes for his personality. which is i think easy to attribute to "confidence" as a sort of nebulous concept but i think he's just kind of a realist. everything he hides has a very straightforward reason behind it and when the reason disappears so does his hesitance to just be that. & i think a lot of what reads as confidence comes from disinterest in other people's opinions & a pretty intense pragmatism and get-shit-done-ism. mickey kind of sorts people into "who gives a fuck" or "useful" & eventually he expands his "people who matter" category enough that even people he doesnt gaf about in the main cast he at least doesn't want to piss them off.
another thing about this is i've seen sometimes people who over-relate (very understandably) to mickey sort of take very seriously how much he must've been hurt in end of s5, end of s7. which is. i mean i will be honest i KNEW it was coming and watching love songs in the key of gallagher RUINED MY WEEK. which is a good thing. because i am out of my mind. but i think sticking on "well, ian should've been more sorry, or said something nicer later" out of feeling bad for mickey misses a little the point where what i really see in mickey is a "it hurt. obviously. extremely badly. fucking anyway" sort of angle.
this ^ isn't something i know how to explain very well. there's kind of a difference between going "well that was horrifying and i need to throw the fuck up" and moving on, and the sort of therapy-speak adjacent urge to linger over how everyone should be looking at their feelings about it. not mickey's language IMO. so mickey's pretty in tune with what's going on in ian's head so when ian hurts his feelings on purpose he's like mad that it worked, you stupid jackass. and then ian's guilt is sitting right there and he's like well you were so mean but it's more important to me that i can be around you than that my feewings are made much of. mickey's pretty steadily uncomfortable with touchy-feely validation or anything. this interpretation is also a me thing. obviously everyone's reads are going to be informed by their life experience but this is what makes sense to me.
1 of the biggest things i've noticed rewatching is how FAST plotlines start moving when mickey decides he's getting something done. which is interesting because he's also one of the least ambitious characters in the show.
mandy and ian both really believe they can get something nicer and safer and better (&fancier) out of life. mandy has the strongest drive out of them to grab something nice for herself (like.. even vicariously through lip, she's always trying) mickey is kind of right that it's not realistic for everyone to get something better than where they grew up. it's depressing as fuck to be resigned to but especially with a criminal record it's pretty predictable under capitalism that you would just get stuck. these things happen to people
it's very sweet to me that ian keeps dragging mickey along to like nice places and optimism while mickey is like be so for fucking real. weird enough this is the most mickey has in common with lip - the "steal it or scam it" observation that lip makes, but mickey is chill with breaking more serious laws and being arrested for it. & lip also doesn't go for ambition the same way other people in the show do because he has noticed these patterns. he aims for a nebulous "more" jump up in the class system ONCE specifically because of mandy.
fiona is the opposite to all this ^ naturally. in the way that her ambition keeps coming back to bite her way harder than anyone else, because she gets caught up in her ideas of how to expand and do better and bigger really fast. funny enough both lip's "well it has to be a scam and you can't ever actually get anywhere" and fiona's "i bet if i just played my cards right i could make a million bucks rn" philosophies are frank traits.
BUT ANYWAY i also really like how mickey's pragmatism sort of lands him to being a very romantic person. because once he has reason to care more about someone else he decides to put all his eggs in that fucking basket. contrast -> ian is A Romantic. he wants to believe in like a soulmate and he pretty obsessively pursues validation through means of romance. m/while mickey never plans to be in a relationship and commits really hard when he decides that that's where he's going.
which comes to mickey's impressive skills at reading people. when he's not just completely disinterested, he can predict people really well. which is obviously like a survival technique but is also the only explanation of why he'd come back twice after getting written out. maybe it wasn't supposed to be the way his character played out but it can be traced back to s1 with the information we have and is the only way that his actions make sense.
& in like. the completely fucking insane way that mickey is as gentle as he is. you even see the intent here in his introduction. sure, he's showing up in a violent way to enact revenge. which being into prison abolition i don't necessarily agree with. but it's sweet! like, i know the revenge mob is kind of a THING but with everything that he does following it also seems very personal. so he shows up and the first thing he really wants is someone to look after. ian gallagher you may not believe you need a fucking caretaker but you literally snatched up the single person most desperate for someone to take care of
-> wrt gentleness also: i cant get over how fucking bonkers it is to be a violent teenager having a Massive mental breakdown and that mickey refuses to start the physical side of the "you love me and you're gay" confrontation. not a hand until ian shoves him multiple times. even though ian showed up explicitly as an attempt at using mickey to punish himself for something he really thought was his fault! what the fuck!!
um but anyway with mickey's fucking anger going on also i was personally very touched by him as a fantastic way to represent irritability and anger as an anxiety response. because anger is really fucking like that. again, visible from his intro to the end. ya habibi...
#Anonymous#i feel like this goes on like a thousand tangents. well i lost sleep thinking about Him so this is what you get.#mickey
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Happy friday! For Morrigan/Warden: ❛ you deserve better than who i am right now, but i'm gonna keep trying to become someone you do deserve. ❜
Thank you so much for the prompt! For this one, I used my Warden Benten Brosca, who uses he/him pronouns!
Morrigan knows when she's being watched. It's the feeling like an itch beneath her skin, causing the hairs in the back of her neck to stand on end. It's a feeling that makes her want to flee, to fight, to shapeshift into a creature with fangs so she can bury them in the throat of whatever voyeur dares watch her without permission.
When she looks up, the eyes on her are warm and inviting, with a crinkle around them that hints at a smile hidden by a bushy beard. They hold no judgment nor malice like she expected. They simply watch her with a fondness she hasn't yet grown used to.
“You're staring,” she points out, hoping to sound more irritated than flustered. She isn't certain how well she succeeds.
“I know,” Benten says without taking his eyes off of her. “It's a lovely view.”
Morrigan feels her cheeks warm at the flirtation and internally curses herself for it. She should be used to these compliments by now, used to Benten’s charm and warmth, the ease with which he says whatever’s on his mind. But somehow it still feels foreign to her, even after purposefully seducing him for her own ends.
The problem is that Benten is too earnest about his affections. He cares deeply and it’s evident in how he speaks to her — like he loves her, because he does love her and isn’t he a fool for it?
Morrigan isn’t used to such open warmth from men or from anyone, really; her mother certainly hadn’t been giving out compliments freely and she’s spoken to very few other people in her life. She’d been taught that open affection is like advertising one’s weaknesses, putting them on display for anyone to take advantage of.
Yet, Benten doesn’t seem to care in the least about sharing his affection with Morrigan. He’d even tried to hold her hand in a market the other day like it was the most natural thing in the world for him to declare that he loves the feral Witch of the Wilds.
Morrigan struggles to wrap her head around it.
“Do you want me to stop staring?” Benten asks and Morrigan realizes that she’s fallen silent as she contemplates this bizarre man’s feelings for her. Even this question is asked earnestly and Morrigan knows if she asked him to look away, he’d turn his head and say no more about it.
But now that she knows the source of that feeling of being watched, it’s no longer something that makes her want to fight. It’s a pleasant tickle just beneath her skin rather than a raging itch she needs to scratch at. It feels…
It feels nice to be admired.
“No,” she says in reply to Benten’s question. “You may stare as you wish.”
Benten grins at her. “Great, I’ll do that, then.” And then he resumes watching her with those big, fond eyes.
Morrigan finds herself smiling as she continues adding food to the pot, which isn’t something she expected. It isn’t often that she catches herself smiling without purpose and yet here she is, smiling like a fool over the feeling of being watched. What has the world come to?
And it’s all because of the dwarf at her side, the man smiling at her like she’s done something special by simply allowing him to gaze upon her. It’s he who makes her smile and blush and feel more at ease than she has in perhaps her entire life.
He’s a good man. Morrigan is not a good woman.
“You deserve better than who I am right now,” she says before she can stop herself. “But I'm going to keep trying to become someone you do deserve.”
There's so much guilt that weighs on her shoulders. She's going to betray him someday soon and then she'll never see him again, can never see him again. She's going to raise his child alone and he may hate her forever for it.
The least she can do is try to be a person worthy of the love he's freely given her up to this point. If she's going to break his heart, at least she can try to protect it while she has it.
Benten blinks at her for a moment before reaching across the space between them to take her hand. “I don't want anything but you,” he says and he squeezes her hand in a motion of reassurance.
The worst part is that she believes him.
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Different reactions to Chloe and Kate
It puzzles me that Chloe and Kate evoke such different reactions in players. It would be hard to find a LiS player who didn't feel protective of Kate and didn't do their best to save her. But with Chloe, reactions are much more varied, with a sizeable portion of players finding her mean, bitchy, demanding, manipulative or what have you.
While Kate and Chloe certainly have wildly different personalities and aesthetic, I would argue they find themselves in a very similar position in October of 2013. Kate was drugged and assaulted by Nathan and Jefferson. And Nathan attempted to do the same to Chloe, which she barely avoided, breaking free just as Nathan began his "photo session". Remember, when Max learns of the ordeal Chloe and Kate went through, she has no idea what is the purpose of the dark room. Neither do Chloe and Kate. From their perspective, that was straight up date rape. What was your impression when you first played the game and heard Chloe recount her encounter with Nathan? Or when you heard he drugged Kate and took her from the party to some room? I was enraged when I found a photo of unconscious Chloe on the floor in Nathan's room. Only at the end of Episode 4 we learn that Nathan and Jefferson "only" took pictures (and still I think that drugging, undressing and posing people is a form of sexual assault).
Chloe had many other traumatic events in her life, but for the sake of this arguement let's focus on the one she shares with Kate.
Both Kate and Chloe demand Max's help and both vocally express disappointment if Max doesn't do what they want. If you take David's picture, Kate on multiple occasions, both in person and via text messages, accuses Max of being uncaring and part of the problem. She doesn't accuse Max of being a coward, she straight up questions Max's motives, saying that she took the picture out of some sadistic pleasure. Yet I never see players complaining that Kate is toxic or that she tries to guilt trip Max. Because when it comes to Kate, everyone realizes that people who are hurt don't always ask nicely for help. Sometimes they don't know how. Or they are too proud or too stubborn. Or they simply lash out. It's difficult to be polite when something horrible was done to you. So even when Kate snaps at Max, everyone still wants to help her. Because Kate is not mean. It's her horrible situation that got to her.
Why can't then some players look at Chloe through the same lens? Why does she, who went through the same ordeal as Kate (and many other horrible things) have to be polite, patient and stoic? And when she isn't, when she gets angry at the constant stream of shit poured on her head every day, that means she's toxic, manipulative and selfish?
As an aside note, Chloe has more right to demand help from Max then Kate. Max and Chloe are best friends. They both refer to each other in that way throughout the entire game. They have known each other for years. And Max has known Kate for barely a month! The game takes place in October. The school year usually starts in September. The previous school year Max attended a different school in Seattle. We know that Kate and Max had weekly tea parties, but given that Max has been in Arcadia Bay for only six weeks, how many of those they had? We know that Kate's closest friends are Stella and Alyssa. Shouldn't Kate expect help primarily from them? Why is she angry with Max, who she's just met and not her long-time friends, who are completely MIA during her crisis?
Furthermore, taking David's picture instead of butting in actually makes sense. In Episode 1 we don't know who the person reponsible for Rachel's disappearance is going to be. At that point, David is still one of the suspects. The picture is solid proof that can be used later. And if you think that Max shouldn't take the blame for Chloe's pot because it might damage her academic career, then you should also think that she shouldn't get into screaming matches with campus security officers, for the very same reason. Contrast that with not pulling the trigger on Frank, which is really a stupid thing to do. Think about it - two teenage girls alone, a greasy creep with a knife shows up and threatens to cut them and on top of that he's wearing the bracelet of a missing (and likely dead) teenager. If I were Max, I'd shoot. And Chloe isn't even that angry with her if she doesn't. She simply says she failed to stand her ground (which is an apt observation). A few moments later they are back to hand-holding.
I'm not trying to shit on Kate. I like her very much. I'm just pointing out the double standard. Almost everyone is understanding and feeling protective of Kate. But somehow not everyone is willing to extend the same courtesy to Chloe, who is every bit as hurt and vulnerable as Kate is.
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Spinning Daggers
Sloane X Aaric Fanfiction
Iron Flame Spoilers Ahead!!
Maybe you should aim better, next time. Thoirt grumbles, snapping his jaws in irritation.
I roll my eyes, Thank you for your concern. I would think of something more biting to retort to my red daggertail, but I’m currently staring at the bone of my ankle sticking out of my skin and having been separated from the rest of itself. I’m sitting in the grass where I landed poorly from trying to roll off my dragon. For your information, I wasn’t the one who told me to jump way too high in the air.
Thoirt snorts, I only told you to jump because I had assumed you knew not to land in a way that would snap your ankle.
“Sloane!” One of the others calls, and I can’t bring myself to look, as I feel the embarrassment color my face. Cursed dragon making me look like more of a loser than I already am.
I did nothing of the sort.
I sigh as Imogen reaches me, crouching down beside me as she examines my ankle. “Oh Mairi, this is not good.”
“Yeah, thanks for that,” I retort flatly, “I can’t get up.” The shame is still burning on my face.
“I’ll take you to the infirmary,” she says and I’d like to crawl in a hole and die.
“Let me do it,” Aaric approaches last, and punctuates his sentence with a yawn, “You’re helping train, and I’m not doing anything important.”
I think I’d rather walk than have Aaric carry me to the healers, but the first years are gathering and the looks of fear and pity are too much to take. “Fine,” I say shortly, “Aaric can take me. I don’t want to interrupt what you’re doing.” I tell Imogen who’s trying to make sure I won’t shatter to pieces at any given moment.
All the older ones do. Mairi’s little idiot sister. Always has to be kept safe. When I see Violet making her way this way, I grab Alaric’s pant leg and jerk on it, shame and guilt beginning to choke me, “Come on, Aaric. Let’s go.”
Do not be discouraged. Just because this small creature must carry you.
Please stop talking, I beg Thoirt. I know he’s doing it on purpose. I feel him chuckle.
Aaric scoops me up and begins to carry me inside. I see Violet pause, like she’s not going to come the rest of the way to me. I breathe a sigh of relief.
The Black Dragon Rider worries about you.
I’m aware, yes.
Then why do you run from her?
I’m pretty sure you know that, Thoirt.
She does, too, brat.
Do other dragons have nice names for their riders? Or are they all like you?
I am the only one like me.
I laugh and try to ignore that Aaric is carrying me like a princess across a threshold.
“Are you feeling okay?” Aaric asks, and it breaks me from my happy lull of arguing with Thoirt.
“You can see the bone sticking out of my leg, so what do you think, Greycastle?”
He sighs, “Of course. Forgot I’m not allowed to talk to you.”
“Um, you made that choice. You’re the one who did this to u-“ I cut myself off. I don’t want to finish it, but Aaric’s eyebrow raises all the same.
“Us? I did this to us?” He laughs incredulously, “Sloane, you’re the one who told me it was nothing. You’re the one who said there wasn’t an us. That there would never be an us.”
We reach the healers wing, “Whatever,” I heavily disagree, but I can’t say that with all of these strangers around, “You can be the martyr all you want.”
I know deep down he’s got a small point, but he’s got the timeline out of order. That happened first. Then I- I swallow and move on from the thought. Then he made himself present to comfort me for weeks. And then we- I blush. But the next day, he didn’t even talk to me. I thought there would something. Anything. But no, it was more of the same nothing. For weeks. Months. Like it didn’t happen. Like it didn’t matter.
The healer smiles warmly, and she practically bounces as she says, “Hello, how can I help-“ and then she sees my ankle and the cheery look falls, “That’s gonna need a mender.”
Figures.
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OKAY SO I DOWNLOADED THIS KINDA NEW LANGUAGE LEARNING APP THAT HAS A TINDER LAYOUT (I SHOULDVE DELETED IT WHEN I SAW THAT BUT NOOO IM JUST TOO DUMB SOMETIMES) AND THEN STARTED USING IT YK. LIKE ANY OTHER APP.
SO LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO I GET A FRIEND REQUEST FROM THIS GUY AMD I ACCEPT IT AND HE TEXTS ME. AND OFC I TEXT HIM BACK BECAUSE I WANT TO MAKE FRIENDS AND I SAY SOMETHING LIKE “hi!! how are you doing” AND HE DEADASS REPLIES WITH “im master baiting (misspelled it rn on purpose cuz i just hate that word don’t question me pls😔) cuz you so sexy in the profile photos” AND ATP IM LIKE … you’re a fake account, right? and he actually isn’t a fake account (which makes this 10 times worse) and he sends me a dicpic🤒 and i’m bracing myself cuz im pretty sure he’s about to ask for something in return and spoiler: he does😍. so atp im just laughing and having the time of my life on there so i send him a random ss o of a video from ph and leave it at that.
then he texts me for two more days, and i don’t reply and he’s like “why u not responding do you not like me ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️” and while talking to a friend i tell her about the convo and she says “just say some crazy shit and see if he still keeps texting you.” and so i told him i was in the hospital because i got stabbed and robbed while i was out hoping he’s gonna get scared and think i live in the most gruel place ever and leave me alone.
BUT HE DOESNT. AND HE ACTUALLY SEEMS CONCERNED. AND I TALK A BIT MORE WITH HIM (out of guilt) and with some exceptions of being super fucking cringe he’s actually nice amd wants to get to know me ☹️ and today while i was sleeping (timezones yk) he sent me a video of him singing last christmas and telling me what i quoted in my post ☹️ and now im really guilty because he’s nice (with some exceptions bc sometimes he !!!almost!!! returns to his old ways) and idk i just don’t think i find him attravtive in that way or something i guess. but that lil video lowkey made my stomach do flips☹️
EW AND AW personally, I would usually say no but this is a confusing situation tbh
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Fallout S1:E6 - The Trap
This one is okay. It showed more of the Vault-Tec(pre-bombs) and The Ghoul. Did feel like Lucy and Maximus were just kinda there. Not really adding to or involved in what was going on. Its another flashback heavy one. Which is getting to the point where it feels like they are trying to make two shows at once.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Spoilers and Deep Dive ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok so the Hawthorns are scientist who are running Vault 4, that means that Lucy and Maximus are in the shit already. So it really feels like Coop isn't big on Vault-Tec. He seems to be going through the motions for his wife, who we still really don't know what she does at Vault-Tec. I think this wrap party really drives home that Vault-Tec is causing Coop to see his wife in a different light. Not losing love, but more of a confusion as to who she is seeming to become. Classic Matt Berry, love the man. This kind of set the reason as to the confusion at the birthday party in the first episode. WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T THEY NEED A KEY? Also you can move without a fusion core, you are just slow and are limited on the functions of the suit.
I'm not surprised that an R&D scientist lead vault would take in wastelanders. You need test subjects and its easier when they are willing to walk through the doors. Or in this case fall through a chute. Alright so Maximus is a virgin. Since when has there been a celibacy rule in the BoS? Veronica's(FONV) parents were both BoS members. Hell you could romance Danse(FO4), so this is new information. I also really hope a love story isn't brewing between them. It just feels weird, like she is someone who is nice to you and now you fall head-over-heels for her after spending time with her for a coupe of days? Whelp, there's a chance they slipped them something after seeing that sign. Cyclops overseer Benjamin seems nice, albeit a tad goofy. There's a lot of mutated people in this vault. The question is did they come in mutated or this was an after effect.
So is this a general flashback or The Ghoul having a bit of a moment? Um hold up Barb. "One of the good vaults?" Ok so Barb is full Vault-Tec at this point. Also with a statement like that, it means that she is someone who is in the upper echelon. Hey, its William Knifeman. Ahhhuh Ahhhuh Ahhhuh. This argument between Coop and Barb is great. It highlights how she is trying to deflect and he is trying to probe seemingly innocuously. It's showing the two sides of how people respond to fear. I feel like she kept using their daughter in order to guilt and "win" the argument/discussion.
So that kind of confirms that the would take in people to experiment on them. Though it seems the overseer is completely clueless. Alright you can hate me but in a gallows humor kind of way that is a funny joke. This is strange that they will talk about level 12 but not what's on that level. Also that comment is strange, "you should know that". So he has to know that vaults mostly all had some nefarious motives. They are really selling the fact that Maximus is falling for the idea of being in a vault. Which really shows that no one knows the purpose of the vaults still. Only those who are in high level positions. Hold up, Shady Sands couldn't have been destroyed in 2277. It is Explicitly mentioned in FONV, which is set in 2281. So there is no way that the NCR in the Mojave wouldn't have known for four years that Shady Sands was wiped off the map. The only other thing is they mean fall as in decline(the fall of Rome). I hope its that because of the small extension of the timeline arrow then a mushroom cloud. If not this is another example of Todd/Bethesda milking the fuck out of FONV but not wanting to recognize it.
Sorrel Booker? As in Sorrel Booke aka "Boss" Hogg? Also that super mutant wanted poster looked a lot like Strong(FO4). Which would be crazy for him to go from the east coast to the west. Well that's an obvious sore spot for The Ghoul. Now the question is who was the "her." Does that mean that Barb or Janey are still around somehow? Meeting at a public mausoleum feels a little odd for a group trying to hide "communist" views at that time. OK so we really are a cult got it. So Moldaver is from pre-bomb, was at Sandy Shores and is the mystical Flame Mother. How did she survive 200 years and two bombs?!?!?!?!
So Maximus is absolutely on board with staying after having caviar and oysters? Two things he has probably never seen on the surface and being a part of BoS. I mean on one hand I can see his change of heart, seeing as this is a dream compared to the wasteland. Though that's a really quick 180 from, what appears to be, a few hours ago. OK. OK. So we're just diving into the deep end of body horror with this huh. Like yes there is the Master(FO1), robobrains and even Rex(FONV) but nothing like this. This is some Cronenberg-esque stuff.
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Well this was a definitely a wild one. Definitely showed how intertwined the story of Coop/The Ghoul are to Vault-Tec. It also helps give people(specifically newcomers to the Fallout universe) an idea of just how fucked up and all controlling Vault-Tec was. Hoping to maybe see something like this done for Maximus.
Final Score - 7/10
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