#when my issues are just: I don’t fit in to the church I’m a bad Christian everyone is racist and homophobic and I have to pretend to agree

[saltyfilmmajor]

I feel like my mom choose to ignore my feelings about the church because she turned out fine (I mean. I firmly believe that she didn’t actually )

Because there are moments where my parents seem to get where I’m coming from.

I’ve always felt alienated in the church especially as a teenager and my parents forced me to go thinking they were doing their duty as good Christians, but I told my mom how I felt the other night, relating it to an experience she was venting to me about and she apologized to me.

But then she will go around and say that only thing she wants for me is to go back to church, like damn lady I’m not going to be doing that and your insistence that you want me to feels so dismissive of my feelings

[otome-mondays]

Review: Collar x Malice 🐈‍⬛

Ok yeah I’m very late to reviewing this game, but in my defense I didn’t have a blog where I felt ok posting otome reviews until now lol. Disclaimer: 1) it has been years since I last played this game. I have my thoughts written down but this is not going to be as polished as I hope my future reviews are. 2) This game has really rough themes and topics, please don’t read if topics such as terrorism, violence, suicide, and police are triggering to you. I’d recommend looking up a full list of triggers before deciding to add Collar x Malice to your list of games. 3) Like all my reviews, this will contain spoilers. This one has spoilers for some CGs and general route spoilers!

Onto the review!

Collar x Malice takes place in the city of Shinjuku, which is currently under lockdown due to terrorism attacks from a group called Adonis. You play as a girl name Ichika Hoshino, and while you can change her name I chose to keep the default. Ichika is a rookie officer assigned to the SCRPO department. Their goal is to help keep peace among the citizens, meaning there’s little crazy action happening in her specific department. Part of the SCRPO duties are doing patrols to look out for Adonis members and maintain as much peace as can be possible when you’re in such a situation. Unfortunately, thanks to plot bad luck, Ichika is targeted by the group and they try to convince her to join. How so? That’s where the collar comes in. So Ichika gets snatched by a member and a collar is placed on her neck. Not just any collar, a collar filled with poison. How wonderful! Now, there is a slight issue because she already got a small dose and can’t move and is stranded in a church of some sort in the middle of the night. A random group of men come in and save the heroine, being given a memo from Adonis. They introduce themselves to Ichika as a small ragtag detective group looking into X-Day outside the police force. There’s 4 members, but only 3 are present. These 3–Enomoto, Sasazuka, and Yanagi—are all former cops who quit for their own reasons and have all decided to do independent work looking into X-Day. Oh right, I should explain X-Day. X-Day is a day Adonis is counting down to with monthly attacks before basically purging Shinjuku from who they think are nasty lowlifes who deserve death. Adonis has the ability to fully monitor Ichika and those around her from the collar, and they want to ultimately recruit her and if possible the ragtag investigation group. Ichika also can’t tell anybody else outside the group or they’ll kill her. So now she has to hide this information from everybody close to her. Totally not stressful at all right? As she’s deciding to join an figure out what she wants to investigate, one more problem comes in. Okazaki Kei. He’s a SP officer who, along with his subordinate, are assigned to monitor Yanagi’s group. He also seems a bit persistent on monitoring her. Oh also not to mention the other oddball in the group, Shiraishi, who seems kind of suspicious. Ultimately, she decides to investigate a certain set of cases and put an end to Adonis with help from Yanagi and friends. And that’s where the route split is, depending on how you answered the questions in the common route determines which cases and ultimately which route you play. I played this game back in 2020-2021 when everybody was supposed to be inside and in lockdown as well, and it felt really fitting at the time. I’ll add some thoughts on each route next, but if you just wanted a general plot starter and to see if I recommend it, scroll past all the character sections for the end! I’m not going to make walkthroughs as there are already plenty out there, but I will mention I relied on Otome Kitten’s walkthroughs located on her website. I’m going to review the characters in the order I played:

Spoilers Ahead

Okazaki Kei 🏃‍♂️

So I decided to start with this route because honestly I was the most interested in Okazaki out of all the characters. I spent way too much time trying to see route order recommendations and I saw enough people say that his wasn’t big on lore so it’s ok if you do his route first. I also had the interesting challenge of otome being even more of a niche genre in the west than it is now so I struggled to find resources on the game. Now that could also be me struggling in general with technology sometimes lol. Okazaki here is kinda the odd guy out of the group. He isn’t investigating X-Day incidents with Yanagi and Co, but rather he’s keeping an eye on them with his junior partner Yoshinari Hideaki. The case we’re exploring in this route is the July case, and then we start investigating the November case. Nobody’s been investigating this specifically in Yanagi’s group, so Ichika is all on her own with understanding what happened. Okazaki decides he’s going to help for seemingly no reason, which does help her solve the incidents since she doesn’t have much experience. Without going into more details for spoiler reasons, Okazaki is a very sad character and honestly I love how well written he is. His route doesn’t go too much into the overarching story of the game and is also very isolated from the other characters. This is most likely due to how he’s not in the same group as the others and he’s not privy to how they are as people but rather their general actions and behaviors. This route is a really good starting out point! 9/10

Enomoto Mineo 🪭

Enomoto is highly recommend as a starting route by most people and I can totally see why! Even if you’re not a fan of genki style characters, he is a very enjoyable one. Enomoto is the youngest of the love interests and is a former Field Ops 2 officer. His mentor was a victim of one of the X-Day attacks, and because of that he ultimately left the force and joined up with Yanagi to investigate those specific incidents. On Enomoto’s route, we are investigating the April-May case, also the very first countdown to X-Day attack. Enomoto and Ichika really do start out kinda rocky as investigative partners, and slowly get to know and trust each other. I also think that Enomoto is a very well written character, and his route has some of the best writing for lots of side characters. I do have a couple gripes, such as his main tragic ending not being anywhere near tragic as…oh I don’t know…BAD ENDING NUMBER 4. That one actually caused me emotional pain. Anyways, his route can easily spoil who the leader of Adonis is to anybody who isn’t as clueless as I am (genuinely was focused on solving other mysteries to the universe). Like Okazaki, his route is very much an introductory route and is another great one to start with! Either play this one or Okazaki’s first and then play the other. 8/10

Sasazuka Takeru 🍩

Alright now for Sasazuka’s review. This was an interesting route, and honestly pretty good middle of the game route. I’m going to be honest and say I wasn’t super interesting in playing through his route, but I really came to love Sasazuka as a character while playing it. So let’s get into some details. Sasazuka is a former cyber crimes officer and he’s also our tsundere character. Now, he’s the type of tsundere that’s honestly very much verbally aggressive and it’s a very hard start for Ichika and Sasazuka. Like every other love interest and character in general it seems in this game, the man has severe trauma. His route has you exploring the June and August cases, starting with the August case. This route we learn a lot more about Adonis and why they’re doing what they are doing. Yet again, Collar x Malice is wining an award for great character writing in my brain. I really do like how Sasazuka is written and how he starts recovering and healing from his trauma. Now as for endings, like Enomoto he suffers from a mediocre tragic ending and also not great bad endings. His best ending is definitely the good ending, but who’s surprised about that. Definitely play this game 3rd though, it makes the most sense story wise. 8/10

Shiraishi Kageyuki 🐱

And here’s the controversial one. I cannot begin to explain how much I love this route. This is such a wild route and at first I totally hated Shiraishi but by the end he ended up being one of my favorite characters ever. I’d say Shiraishi’s route is like pseudo-yandere route? Or at least that was how it was described in some of the few posts I saw before playing and that immediately made me concerned. It honestly is a really good route and I wouldn’t personally classify it as a yandere route. This one goes over so much in universe lore and uncovers a lot of secrets, so please don’t play this before the other 3 routes above. Shiraishi’s route is also one of two that have to be unlocked, so even if you wanted to start with his you won’t be able to. To unlock Shiraishi’s route, all you have to do is finish one of the first three routes. I don’t think you have to get the good ending, but you do have to get either the good ending or tragic ending for it to count if that is the case. Now Shiraishi’s route goes over the September-October case. Out of all the cases you explore, I think this one was the saddest with the June case being a close second. Shiraishi is the only one in Yanagi’s group to still be working with the police as Director of the Field Ops department. Because of this, Ichika is very suspicious of him at first and thinks he’s potentially a double agent. I’d say he is easily the most traumatized one out of all the characters. He has a very intense love-hate relationship with Ichika even as colleagues, but they figure out how to communicate with each other. Now, a lot of people talk about how his good ending isn’t truly a good ending to them or a larger discussion of what makes an ending a good ending. This route has amazing writing, and the good ending is a part that proves it. Warning, it is very bittersweet but it is the best result based off of everything that happens. Now the tragic ending…I once again do not have words to express how I felt reading that. That ending is so twisted and I love those types of endings for bad endings. Honestly, this is probably the best route in the game even if he’s not my favorite LI. 9.5/10

Yanagi Aiji 🚬

Alright, final route time. Now, if you want to play Yanagi’s route and fully see the world of Collar x Malice and answers to all the questions, you’re going to have to wait a while. You will not only have to finish all the other routes, but you specifically have to have obtained all the good endings. If you’re like me, this will take a while because you want to see all the endings. If you’re not, congrats it will take you slightly less time! So Yanagi here is basically marketed as that “true route” but not really. He has his own prologue, he has the longest route, and he’s only unlocked after playing through the other routes. I hate to say this but Yanagi’s route was the most boring one to me. I love Yanagi as a character, but I do not really like him as a love interest…which is unfortunate because he is the most stable one. But, as with all the other routes and boys, he definitely is well written and has a well written story. His route definitely focuses more on solving X-Day and definitively ending Adonis and the terrorism attacks. Because of this, you’re not getting much romance. Sorry to all the Yanagi fans. Yanagi, as the little leader of the group, is investigating all of them. At this point, you already understand and have solved the cases in previous routes so now we just have to figure out who is behind X-Day and Adonis and why they are so freaking weird. As is the pattern, Yanagi is also a traumatized man. We love to see it. Anyways, he also has some growth and development from confronting his trauma in his route. Thankfully, unlike Enomoto and Sasazuka, he has both a great good ending and tragic ending. I’m not going into detail on either because major spoilers. 8.5/10

Overall Thoughts 🐈‍⬛

Collar x Malice is a great entry point into Otomate titles or otome as a genre. It has has some unique features like trigger mode, investigation mode, and then an occasional map mode for the station Ichika works at. I didn’t mention it above, but this game also has great side characters including Ichika’s little brother who does play a huge role in the story. If you’re looking for a recommended route order, mine is going to be Enomoto/Okazaki -> Sasazuka -> Shiraishi -> Yanagi. As for which route to play first, either pick who you’re more interested in OR pick whether you want to learn more about the characters or Adonis. If you want to experience the characters first, start with Enomoto. If you want to see more of an intro to Adonis first, pick Okazaki. My rating of this game is going to be a 9/10! It’s truly an enjoyable experience!

EDIT: I am adding in my LI and route rankings! This one is really hard for me, because I genuinely liked them all.

Route: Shiraishi > Okazaki > Yanagi > Enomoto > Sasazuka

LI: Okazaki > Shiraishi > Enomoto > Sasazuka > Yanagi

Resources 📝

I obviously pulled my information about the game mostly from the game itself. The CGs are also from the game. Now for people’s thoughts on the game, I looked at the otomegames subreddit, Blerdy Otome, and Otome Kitten. I also followed Otome Kitten’s walkthroughs. I highly recommend looking into these places of the internet for otome content and also more perspectives on the game!

[peggy-sue-reads-a-book]

Paper Cranes

TW: homophobia, bullying, church abuse, swearing, assault, ED, SH, compulsive exercising, Republicans, purity culture, evangelical crap, but most of all middle school. If I’ve failed to include anything, just let me know. Fr I wrote it for me and posted it for those who might find my experience affirming. I’m all good if you need to scroll right on past a trauma post.

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The first time I ever watched homophobic bullying was in my pastor’s office. All the teens were waiting around a table for our youth pastor. There was one gay boy, a close friend of mine in a relatively small group. From the first week his family joined our church, an older girl in youth group announced to the rest of us that she couldn’t stand him because “he’s too happy and sings too much.” It was true. The new boy was the most cheerful, outgoing person I’d ever met. And he loves to sing.

The same girl gave a similar PSA behind my back when I was new. “We shouldn’t play with her because she’s weird and wears dress up clothes.” I was six. And it was true, I did wear a princess costume every day. Eventually I traded in my tutus for some looks that better reflected internalized misogyny and everyone figured out I’m funny as all shit and can get along with most anyone. I graduated from the bottom of the food chain.

So I shrugged off her hot take on my new friend. I don’t think she liked that her plans to cancel the new guy flopped. Because as we were waiting around that table she jumped up and grabbed his earlobe between her finger nails. She was super proud of her nails. They were long and scraggly like a cat and she was into filing them in public in case anyone felt too safe.

She dug her nails in on either side and no one said anything. You don’t stand up for a boy to a girl. I can’t remember if he tried to swat her off or just took it. It was only a minute but it was a damn long one. Blood started to bead around her nails. Then the door opened and she sat back down. Sunday school started.

Nothing I believed, no books, no paper, no concept of abomination could override what I’d just seen, the revulsion deep in my gut. It was more than rage. More than disgust. I still have no word for it. I was too young and the feelings that well up are still those of a thirteen year old.

It doesn’t matter what you call it. Anger like that is like walking around dead and suddenly finding your pulse because it’s roaring in your ears like a jackhammer.

I prayed to be like everyone else. To care about the same social issues in the same way. The only way I could make sense of my loneliness was that I was cursed in some way. If God loved me, he would make me content with the same values as my peers. But I had just seen someone harm someone else and not a single one of these fine, upstanding kids I’m supposed to make friends with say a damn thing.

A few years later, there was some kinda touchy-feeling Jesus shindig where everyone got real sugared up at night and had a big sing along with some college kids who were supposedly qualified to talk about the deep shit with us. If I mentioned their university you’d recognize it. Hint: assault cover ups

One guy, nineteen or so, must have gotten particularly inspired in the spirit because he starts preaching off-the-cuff about the sins of anorexia, binging, purging, and cutting. I inched backward. I tried hiding behind a football player; I was about half his width after all.

Peggy, what’s up with the bandaids?

I guess I tripped over a wall.

Hey I have a joke. How many Peggies can you fit in the shower? No one knows because—-

— I keep slipping down the drain. Heard that one.

Eat a fucking sandwich, you skinny cunt

The best part of the speech is it was addressed to us about the bad, vague other kids who barfed and otherwise screwed around. Those poor fuck-ups, insulting God’s creation by choosing to defile their bodies.

I couldn’t wait to get home and go for it, but felt a whole lot more like a compulsion than a choice.

I’ve heard this sermon twice, by the way. The second time, the pastor held up a paper crane and asked us to admire its delicacy and the skill it took to make it before shredding it up. Guess he worked hard on that metaphor.

That was me. A paper crane. Pure white, crafted precisely, folded up small. You could pinch my wings between your fingernails and pull them off. I wouldn’t bleed and you could vacuum me up. That was my power. The control in the fine lines and tight folds.

Anyway here I am squirming on my butt and waiting for my chance to burn off my two bites of pizza and Oreos. I’m pretty sure I’d made everyone laugh by scooting the cookies into my mouth from my forehead with no hands. See, everyone, I eat. Yeah, I was gonna have to get in some crunches tonight.

I wondered if I could chug enough lemon water to get diarrhea without being noticed, when somehow, we were looking at each other. The boy’s eyes were bright blue. Ice blue, like in cheesy books. Gay.

Skinny.

Leviticus. The apostle Paul.

Cutter.

It’s a powerful feeling, that two seconds of eye-contact that lets you know you aren’t crazy. That you aren’t the only one in the room who is angry. It is taking a hand to find it as wounded as yours.

Whatever is divine in this world, whatever is true and special and outside of ourselves, it is in the rage you can’t shake. If a voice is telling you that no one deserves to be treated this way, that you inherently do not deserve this, and you say shut up and shut up and shut up and it won’t

Shut up, shut up,

and your only answer is this is bullshit. You should get up and leave

Shut up

I said you are free to walk out,

I can’t,

well then I say you can. I say Truth never left you and you’re not dead.

disclaimer: I did not write this to shit on Christians (I am a Christian) or any tradition in general but the corruption that exists in specific systems

other disclaimer: the other kids in this story were literally also just kids, even the mean ones. I’m pretty sure all of them have grown into sensible adults I’d hang out with. I did not write this to shit on them either.

[hypnolurker]

Mary’s Rebirth

“What’s wrong little girl? You look troubled.” mused a well-dressed man as he approached a young woman in a bar wallowing in her sorrows.

“Don’t call me a little girl! I’m 18 years old you know. An adult. I can make my own decisions...” she snapped back, clearly more than a little tipsy.

“Oh my dear I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m just concerned and by the sounds of it you have some issues you’re struggling with.” he responded understandingly.

The woozy girl turned to him and looked closer at the older gentleman staring warmly at her. He was wearing an expensive suit and sporting a well-groomed mustache and slick black hair. He actually looked kind of handsome to the young girl and she blushed somewhat as she stared back at him.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m normally not so rude...and never this, erm, well drunk I suppose. Its actually the first time I’ve had alcohol outside of church...” she said, flustered and somewhat nervous.

“May I ask your name, young lady?” he inquired.

“W-well I’m Mary.” she answered anxiously.

“Ah Mary. A fitting name.” he responded cryptically.

“Can I have your name, sir?” she asked meekly.

He smiled, “I go by many names, you can just call me Lucious.”

“Well I really didn’t mean to snap at you like that Lucious. Its kind of my first time being in a place like this...” she apologized.

“So what brought a sweet thing like yourself to a seedy place like this? There are some unsavory characters around here you know darling.” he said softly.

Mary sighed and stared into her empty glass. “I got into an argument with my parents.” she began. Lucious nodded understandingly. “They’re very religious you see, and until recently I always went along with it...but all of my friends are into stuff that they consider sinful. Drinking, smoking, partying...sex...I just...I’ve never done any of that stuff before and I feel like an outcast because of it. How can God judge us so harshly? Aren’t these things my parents call sins sometimes just natural human impulses? How do I respect God without repressing my own desires...” she rambled.

“Its a difficult question certainly, I suppose you and your parents didn’t see eye to eye on those questions.” Lucious said, running a hand along her back comfortingly.

“Yeah...when I told my parents that I wanted to go to a party with my friends for once...that I wasn’t sure sex before marriage was as bad as they said it was...well it was horrible! They acted like I just killed someone! I ran away but it was late and there weren’t many places open...” she recalled sadly.

“Well if you need someone to talk to about these issues I’m here to help. Perhaps I can provide a new perspective. I’m wiser than I look, you know.” he said with a friendly smile.

Mary wasn’t used to being treated so kindly. Her parents were always scolding her and having someone genuinely listen to her worries like this was overwhelming. Perhaps it was the alcohol...or the rush that came with being here, in a bar, sinning. Her parents would kill her if they saw her. She definitely couldn’t go home like this.

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do...I feel so woozy...my parents will kill me!” she cried, leaning into the stranger’s lap and sobbing softly.

“Poor thing.” Lucious commented. “You’re welcome to come home with me anytime. My home is rather modest, but at least its warm. You’d be happy there, your parents won’t be able to pressure you anymore.” he persuaded.

“Hmm...sounds nice...alcohol is weird...I feel like there’s something wrong but I don’t know what else to do...” she mused aloud.

“Don’t fret. I’ll take care of you.” he reassured her as he helped her up and they stumbled out of the bar towards his car.

Things were a bit of a blur for Mary, but she found herself inside the man’s car, spilling her heart about all of her sinful desires and how she struggled to be true to God. How as a virgin she felt like she was missing out on sex, it was so hard to keep the bad thoughts out of her mind, especially as her peers seemed obsessed with it. He was so understanding and helpful. He reminded her that God was forgiving and suggested the only way to truly come to terms with her desires was to experience sex for herself. Get it out of her system. Once she understood what sex felt like she could decide for herself if she wanted to repent or continue sinning. It made so much sense to the drunk young virgin.

Soon her conservative ankle length skirt was being rolled up and her plain panties were pushed aside as the charming Lucious pulled out his massive cock. Mary’s eyes widened as she saw the sinister serpent eyeing her forbidden fruit, and she wondered if she was making a mistake...until it slid inside her slowly, spreading her tight slit apart as it tore open her virgin hole. Mary started to scream...she felt strange...there was a distinct pain but also another feeling, much stronger than the pain. It felt dirty and wrong, but so so good at the same time. Like shame mixed with pure bliss and a strange sinking feeling. Her chest tightened and every muscle felt tense as she shivered and sweated. It was getting surprisingly hot in the car and Mary felt as if that heat was emanating directly from the large member penetrating her virgin pussy...spreading through her body in such a pleasurable and confusing way.

Her moans mixed with his deep grunts and echoed inside her head as the world began to spin around her. Pleasure taking root inside her body and blossoming into something completely new to Mary. Was this sex? Was this what she had been missing out on? She felt like she was melting in the summer heat and somehow she loved it. Her world was opening up as her virgin pussy was being split in half.

Mary continued to moan and quiver upon his cock as he drove it into her over and over. She was sweating intensely now...this heat...she couldn’t be imagining it...how could it be this hot...was the heating turned on max in the car? And what was this faint red glow that seemed to fill the vehicle…

The dazed and dripping Mary stared down at her crotch to see a bright red cock driving itself into her repeatedly. It was even bigger than she remembered and had an eery glow. Blood trickled down from her opening as the assault continued. Mary gasped and squirmed. What was going on? Why was his cock suddenly so much more threatening and why...why did it feel even better? Mary was certain that this temperature was beyond what a normal human could cope with...yet she didn’t feel herself burning. Actually the incredible heat pulsing through her from that demonic cock felt soothing and delicious.

Mary was terrified as she looked up at her dark and mysterious lover, now red and with horns protruding from his head proudly as flames danced behind him. Mary knew what she was looking at. Her parents had branded such images into her from an early age. The Devil! It was clearly the Devil himself, driving his hellish cock straight into her defiled pussy. She sobbed and struggled, but it was futile. The Devil chuckled in a sinister tone and roared like a beast as his already inhuman cock surged and grew even bigger!

Mary should be dying right now, if the fire wasn’t enough then the monster cock splitting her open should be enough to do it...yet she didn’t feel that bad...actually it was the best she had ever felt! Her body writhed and swayed seductively as she instinctively humped the beast like a desperate little slut. Her shame bubbled up inside and she wanted to cry or scream or beg, but all she could do was moan.

She saw an upside down cross appear on her crotch, right above her cock-stuffed pussy and she gasped in shock. Strange and unfamiliar runes began to etch themselves into her thighs and a small amount of blood seeped out, but again the pain was dulled by peculiar pleasure. Mary should be mortified right now and yet seeing her body defiled and branded by such evil...it made her heart race...she tried to deny it but she wanted more...needed more...her mind numbed and twisted desires, fetishes and images beyond anything she ever realized existed flashed inside her mind. She knew she was changing, becoming something twisted and sinful and unholy...but it felt so right!

The red glow spread through her skin, rising up from her crotch and towards her chest as her body began to alter...delicate white skin turned a deep crimson and her modest body shape adjusted to become far curvier and more promiscuous. Mary groaned loudly as she felt darkness and perversion being pumped into her from the massive, twitching hellcock. The demonic marks on her flesh flashed urgently as she was corrupted and twisted beyond recognition. The dirtier her mind became the hotter and more eager she felt to have her soul sullied and her very being defiled by the Devil.

Her chest swelled into a voluptuous piece of eye-candy and the red hue spread to her face as her lips puffed and her tongue lengthened. As her once shy and cute face shifted into a lustful expression and took on that sinister crimson colour, small horns gradually poked out of her head and even a short, pointy tail sprung forth from her waist as Mary’s corruption was complete.

The Devil pulled his throbbing cock out of the once pure and godly pussy and spurted his dark essence all over the writhing, dripping, lewd mess that laid before him.

“Now you are reborn, my succubus. Creature of lust and sin. Your darkest desires are manifest. You are the object of mankind’s perversions. Go forth and spread the darkness. Corrupt the souls of men as I have yours, and send them to me.” he bellowed.

“Yessssssss Master!” the newly born succubus moaned eagerly as she rubbed the dark essence all over her skin in a sultry manner, grinding her fingers into her pussy and groping her swollen tits happily.

[bisexual-horror-fan]

Thank you, really. For context I grew up in a very fundie church with purity culture BS and had extreme social anxiety growing up. Ta Da! Insecurities galore! I'm pan, maybe poly, and very likely demi. Not out to and still living with bigoted parents. I'm almost 25 and never even kissed, dated, anything. Not that I don't want it, I'm just too insecure, not to mention clueless, to even begin the process of... anything? I'm pretty lonely tbh, and starved for some kind of intimacy- 1/2

Not even purely sexual intimacy. But I really have nobody, and don’t really know how to fix that, or myself. I'm still pretty anxious around strangers. I’m embarrassed, even if it’s not entirely my fault or a fault to begin with. I feel like the longer I stay this way, the more impossible things will be, because the embarrassment and insecurity will just keep growing until it’s paralyzing. I’m already near convinced nobody would want me, or they would deserve better. Think that's it Thoughts?2/2

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Man, so first off, so sorry to hear this Anon. I was in a similar position, raised in the catholic church and went to catholic school until sixth grade and that shit wassss, bad to say the very fucking least. I was lucky enough to get out before the purity aspects set in, I can relate to the social anxieties as well as just general anxiety too. Let's get more into it under the cut.

Believe it or not I used to be very fucking shy myself, I used to have a bad stutter, no friends at all until high school, severely bullied and a terrible home situation with my birth mother, (The Garbage Pile, I've mentioned here from time to time) and for the longest time it seemed like all those issues were insurmountable. Clearly, as anyone can see, I have gotten so, so much better and grown immensely. Anxieties have calmed massively, I've been over a decade without a panic attack, the pile isn't in my life, I am extremely confident and happy in my life and choices, accepting myself totally in everything that I really want and saying fuck anybody who can't vibe with that.

It wasn't easy and took a lot of work to get to this point. A lot of sitting with feelings, introspection and making hard calls and tough choices, putting myself first even when it makes other people mad or uncomfortable. Remember, you know what is best for you, no one else, and if that means that some people don't fit into your life because they cannot accept who you truly are that is their loss. But keep in mind that tons of people never come out to everyone and there is no shame in that, it is vital for a lot of people's safety.

I want to say that there is no shame or problem with your age, you are still really young, there is lots of time to find your feet with this, there is no set timeline for this kind of thing. This isn't a fault with you or a fault to begin with.

However, if you want things to get better, you have to put yourself out there, put yourself in some uncomfortable situations and force yourself to start to get more comfy with what you struggle with. I would rec that you start with being in public more often, not even having to interact to start but get more comfy with being in the public sphere and around strangers, just existing and getting used to that. There isn't anything to be freaked out or embarrassed about, no one is looking, no one cares, you have a right to be there as much as anyone and I promise no one is looking, no one is judging, people are far, far too wrapped up in their own shit to be concerned with yours.

Next I would rec you that you try to find some friends that you can be yourself with, be open, honest, vulnerable with, you can build confidence in yourself this way by being accepted by others. I joined an LGBT+ youth group when I was 16 and made friends I still have over a decade later, having that base level of all being some flavor of queer to bond over was great, and then we formed deeper friendships based off shared interests from there, as well as getting and understanding each other and giving support.

If you focus on making strong connections, not even explicitly romantic ones, it will help you out, mentally, emotionally, socially, I cannot tell you how much it will improve everything else. For me, every person I've been involved with, romantically or sexually I had formed strong friendships with first, not every friendship goes that way, but the ones that I had BEFORE that, gave me all the tools I needed when friendships started to take that turn later in life.

You are good, you have inherent worth for just existing as yourself, you will find someone eventually and instead think about finding someone that deserves YOUR fine ass, not the other way around. Don't put up with mistreatment or bullshit just so you won't be alone. Remember too, loneliness, shame, anxiety as just feelings that are bad, not prema-states of being, they can be overcome, they will not last forever.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Have you done any of the same things as me? [2022 Edition] by joybucket experienced something amazing and miraculous? 🤩 I mean, although I still have a ways to go there has been some significant progress.

switched to a new primary care doctor? Not technically, but my primary doctor has another doctor working there as well and the last couple times I’ve gone I’ve seen her instead. I don’t know if it’s a permanent switch, though. 

tried a new medication? ���� Yeah, several. I was put on a few in the hospital for some things and then when I got out my primary prescribed me anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications. 

felt afraid to leave the house? That’s how I kinda feel right now. I just don’t feel comfortable or ready to do so.

had a new neighbor move in? Not the neighbors right next to door to me on either side, but I don’t know about the rest of the neighborhood.

met a new neighbor? No. I don’t know any of my neighbors. 

read the entire Bible? 📖 I didn’t last year, but I have before a couple times. 

had a smoothie that tasted really, really good? 🍹 I didn’t have any smoothies. 

had some significant health issues? Uh, yeah that’s an understatement. Last year was horrific. 

made a lot of surveys? I don’t make surveys. 

taken a lot of surveys? Yeah. 

gave yourself a significant haircut? 💇‍♀️ No, that was two years ago when I chopped it super short. 

discovered a new YouTube channel you really liked? Yeah.

discovered a new favorite book? 📖 I didn’t read nearly as much as I normally do last year, but I read a few books and enjoyed them all. 

re-read a book you really liked? 📖 Except for the Bible, I don’t re-read books for some reason. 

debated reaching out to someone and asking for prayer, but didn't? 🙏 No.

started taking a new birth control pill? Nope. Never have.

experienced anaphylaxis? No.

...and then had to be on Prednisone for three months because of it? --

gained weight from a medication? Well, sort of in a roundabout kinda way. Like, that’s not the intended purpose, but it helped in other ways that helped me gain some weight. 

...and then lost some of it once you were off the medication, but not all of it? My weight has been a big issue the past few years and while I have gain some weight, I’m still underweight. It’s taking awhile. 

discovered you had steroid-induced diabetes? No.

daydreamed a lot? 💭 Yeah.

had overdue library books? 📚 No. I haven’t even been to the library since I was a teenager.

worn a mask? 😷 Yes. I wear one anytime I go somewhere. 

worn a mask when cleaning, because you're allergic to dust mites? 😷 No.

went days without washing your hair? Yes. The most days I went was during my hospital stay.

felt overjoyed one day and then depressed the next? Not overjoyed, but decent. I have chronic depression, but there’s days that aren’t as bad or are bearable. With my medication I kinda just feel numb. I’m not crying all the time or feeling on the verge of tears all the time so there’s that.

thought about how much you missed going to church? ⛪️ Yes. I’ve slacked off the past month and I’m not proud of that. I also would really like to be able to go in person someday.

thought about how much you missed painting? 🖼 I don’t paint. However, I did actually do some arts and crafts that involved painting a few weeks ago with my aunt. 

....and thought about how you'd like to start painting again? 🎨 I mean, little arts and crafts type stuff can be fun like what I painted last time were these cute little wooden boxes. I can do type of stuff, but I’m not a painter or artist.

found out that someone got hit by a car and died while crossing a street that you cross all the time? No. enjoyed watching the snow fall? ❄️ It doesn’t snow here. :(

wished you had a car? 🚘 I don’t drive, so I really have no need for one.

talked to your mom on the phone? 📱 Yeah. 

talked to your mom online? 💬 No.

realized none of your bras fit you anymore? No.

received a package in the mail? 📦 Yeah, stuff I ordered online. 

started watching Youtube Shorts regularly? No, I’m not into the shorts. 

practiced self-hypnosis? 😵 No. 

discovered a new food you really liked? I discovered I liked Cream of Wheat, which isn’t exciting, but it’s good and easy to eat for breakfast. Also, I didn’t discover wings and bean burritos last year, but I’ve been really obsessed and enjoy them more now than I did before. After my 3-month stay in the hospital and not being able to eat or drink anything, plus getting more nutrients and stuff, i’ve enjoyed food more than before. They taste better. Before, eating had mainly become a chore and it was really hard for me. It wasn’t something that I found enjoyable. 

discovered your bike had a flat tire? 🚴 I don’t have a bike. 

made a new playlist of songs you really liked? 🎶 No, but I added a few songs to my main playlist.

got rid of a ton of old clothes? 👚 Yeah. 

ran/walked a Christmas-themed race? 🏃‍♀️ No.

watched your city's Christmas parade? We don’t have one.

enjoyed eating salads? 🥗 I haven’t had a salad in years. 

enjoyed eating chocolate pie? Not a chocolate pie person. I was obsessed with cheesecake for a bit when it was one of the few things I could eat when I was able to slowly start eating again. 

celebrated Thanksgiving alone? No.

celebrated your birthday alone? No, my mom, dad, and brother visited, but I was in the hospital and that sucked. Plus like I’ve said many times, I was unable to eat or drink anything or even do anything. 

didn't really have a good birthday? No, I didn’t. 

almost died multiple times? Uh, not multiple, but twice...

enjoyed reading the Bible? 📖 I didn’t read it much last year.

danced around your living room? 💃 No. 

written in cursive? ✍️ Only when signing my signature.

written in a journal? 📓 Yes. 

written in a one-line-a-day journal? 📔 No. Also, while I did write in an actual journal a bit while I was in the hospital, these surveys are like my journal entries as well. 

accidentally dropped a dish and broke it? No.

went for a walk through the cemetery on Halloween? No.

not brought your camera with you somewhere, and then wished you had? 📸 I use my phone’s camera, so I always have it. 

discovered a new really good book? You asked this already. 

read a book with a character named Simone in it? No.

had a doctor get irritated with you? I kinda feel like one nurse did. 

had a doctor not believe you about something? Not to my knowledge. 

broke out in acne all over your face? No.

found out one of your friends had COVID? 🦠 My parents, brother, and I all did last year. 

wondered if you had COVID? 🦠 Yeah, and I did. 

played Mahjong on your phone? 🀄️ I have no idea what that is. 

used a lot of emojis? 🦄 🤪 💃 I wouldn’t say a lot. Some people get too emoji happy, I tend to use them more sparingly as I see fit.

wore a cheetah-print mask? Nope.

worshiped God? 💃 Yes.

uploaded some new photos to Facebook? Yeah, during our trip for my dad’s birthday. That was the last time I traveled before shit really hit the fan and I wound up in the hospital. 

sorted through some old photos on your computer? No. I don’t even have any photos on here cause It’s my brother’s laptop. Although, I only had like a few on mine cause I save photos on my phone. 

wondered why your fridge was making funny noises? No.

gone for lovely and enchanting walks in the fall? 🍁 No.

wore the same outfit for days? Yes. 

worn slipper socks? Yes. 

gone out to eat with your parents? Yeah, during that birthday trip I mentioned. 

enjoyed looking at your friends' baby pictures on Facebook? Sure.

wondered what one of your friends was going to name her baby? I don’t have any friends. In the previous question I was just referring to my Facebook “friends.” I haven’t thought about what they were going to name their babies. 

wished someone would invite you to church, but no one did? No. I’d go on my own if I were able to.

took more medication than you were supposed to when you were in severe pain? Yes. I definitely had more in the hospital. 

wished autocorrect didn't make so many annoying errors? it can be annoying sometimes. 

wished your cramps would go away? Of course. 

enjoyed having a conversation with a random stranger while waiting in line for something? No. 

wished you could see your cousins more? It would be nice, but when i’m feeling better. I’m also embarrassed for anyone outside of my immediate family and my aunt that I’m close to to see me right now. 

thought about how much you used to love church? I haven’t tuned in to the livestream service the past month and I’ve been thinking about how I want to get back on track. 

had a certain traumatic incident keep coming back to haunt you? Something like that.

debated trying to get to know your neighbors more? No.

not eaten anything sweet on your birthday? Yeah, I wasn’t able to eat anything. :/

....for the first time ever, since you normally eat cake on your birthday? Yes. 

eaten a lot of mango popsicles? No, I don’t like mango. 

[randomlyritchie]

Idk. I have a lot of trauma surrounding church people. I was kind of cold when I went to church today. I honestly did feel bad about it, but I am human. I only went to church because now that my main church has a branch by me, I can’t make excuses not to go anymore. I don’t want to wake up one day & say “if only I’d been going to church.” I’m just trying to do the right thing by the Lord. Hopefully this will be a positive experience. I prayed about it before I went this morning. If this doesn’t work out, I will try to find another church…AGAIN. Part of my issue is not being able to find a church that fits in my area. So, here’s hoping for the best. 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

[toomanysurveys9]

Have you done any of the same things as me? [2022 Edition] by joybucket experienced something amazing and miraculous? 🤩 Not miraculous. But amazing, yes. Amazing times with family, like a couple family vacations. Watching my brother graduate basic and AIT. Watching Wyatt start school and learn so much. Got to see my best friend I hadn’t seen in YEARS. Just to name a few.

switched to a new primary care doctor? Nope.

tried a new medication? 💊 Maybe a new cold and flu medicine.

felt afraid to leave the house? Sometimes.

had a new neighbor move in?

Yeah.

met a new neighbor? Yeah, the ones that moved in this past year

read the entire Bible? 📖 Nope.

had a smoothie that tasted really, really good? 🍹 I don’t think so last year, but this year I did!

had some significant health issues? Nope.

made a lot of surveys? I don’t make surveys.

taken a lot of surveys? No. I hope this year I can take more. I have missed doing them and this community.

gave yourself a significant haircut? 💇‍♀️ Not this year.

discovered a new YouTube channel you really liked? I don’t think so.

discovered a new favorite book? 📖 I did not really read too many new books.

re-read a book you really liked? 📖 Yes.

debated reaching out to someone and asking for prayer, but didn’t? 🙏 I don’t believe in prayer.

started taking a new birth control pill? No. Breastfeeding has been a phenomenal birth control.

experienced anaphylaxis? No.

…and then had to be on Prednisone for three months because of it? Nope.

gained weight from a medication? Not from medication.

…and then lost some of it once you were off the medication, but not all of it? Not from medication.

discovered you had steroid-induced diabetes? Nope.

daydreamed a lot? 💭 Oh yeah.

had overdue library books? 📚 Nope.

worn a mask? 😷 I had to at work most of the year. There was a month or two when we didn’t have to at work, but it was short-lived, and I ended up wearing it even though it wasn’t required most of the time anyways because I didn’t want my kids to get sick.

worn a mask when cleaning, because you’re allergic to dust mites? 😷 No.

went days without washing your hair? So many days. With so many people living here and so much on my plate, I’m lucky if I get to actually wash my hair twice a week. But most of the people living here will be moving out soon.

felt overjoyed one day and then depressed the next? Story of my life, although I’m not sure I’d say I was usually overjoyed.

thought about how much you missed going to church? ⛪️ Nope.

thought about how much you missed painting? 🖼 Nope. I’m not artisitic.

….and thought about how you’d like to start painting again? 

Nope.

found out that someone got hit by a car and died while crossing a street that you cross all the time?

Not that I can think of. enjoyed watching the snow fall? ❄️ I was happy to have snow on Christmas day, but that is the only day I’m okay with having snow.

wished you had a car? 🚘 Nope. I wished we had a different car. But at least we have one I guess.

talked to your mom on the phone? 📱 Yeah.

talked to your mom online? 💬 Yeah.

realized none of your bras fit you anymore? Nope.

received a package in the mail? 📦 Stuff I ordered online, yeah.

started watching Youtube Shorts regularly? Nope.

practiced self-hypnosis? 😵 No. I don’t even know what that is.

discovered a new food you really liked? I’m not sure. Nothing specific comes to mind.

discovered your bike had a flat tire? 🚴 I don’t even own one.

made a new playlist of songs you really liked? 🎶 I don’t make playlists. I just use Pandora.

got rid of a ton of old clothes? 👚 Old baby/kid clothes.

ran/walked a Christmas-themed race? 🏃‍♀️ No.

watched your city’s Christmas parade? We don’t have one.

enjoyed eating salads? 🥗 Here and there.

enjoyed eating chocolate pie? I don’t really eat chocolate pie.

celebrated Thanksgiving alone? Nope. My family is too big for that. They’d never allow it.

celebrated your birthday alone? ^^^

didn’t really have a good birthday? It wasn’t bad. 

almost died multiple times? Nope.

enjoyed reading the Bible? 📖 Nope.

danced around your living room? 💃 I did that pretty often with my babies.

written in cursive? ✍️ Only when I had to sign my name... like every day for work.

written in a journal? 📓 Not as often as I wish I had.

written in a one-line-a-day journal? 📔 Nope.

accidentally dropped a dish and broke it? Not that I can remember.

went for a walk through the cemetery on Halloween? No. I take my kids trick or treating.

not brought your camera with you somewhere, and then wished you had? 📸 All the time.

discovered a new really good book? No. Again.

read a book with a character named Simone in it? No.

had a doctor get irritated with you? No.

had a doctor not believe you about something? Not that I can think of.

broke out in acne all over your face? The bottom half of my face. Damn masks.

found out one of your friends had COVID? 🦠 Probably.

wondered if you had COVID? 🦠 I did get COVID last year.

played Mahjong on your phone? 🀄️ Nope.

used a lot of emojis? 🦄 🤪 💃 Probably.

wore a cheetah-print mask? I did not.

worshiped God? 💃 I’m not a believer.

uploaded some new photos to Facebook? A lot of pictures. I’m always uploading photos. Mostly of my kids. We have family in different states that are only able to watch them grow up that way.

sorted through some old photos on your computer? Yeah, probably.

wondered why your fridge was making funny noises? Yeah. Our house is falling apart.

gone for lovely and enchanting walks in the fall? 🍁 I guess.

wore the same outfit for days? Probably.

worn slipper socks? Nope.

gone out to eat with your parents? We do that a lot.

enjoyed looking at your friends’ baby pictures on Facebook? Yeah.

wondered what one of your friends was going to name her baby? Yeah.

wished someone would invite you to church, but no one did? Nope.

took more medication than you were supposed to when you were in severe pain? Nope.

wished autocorrect didn’t make so many annoying errors? Yeah.

wished your cramps would go away? Didn’t really have cramps because I haven’t had a period since before I was pregnant with Nora. So it’s been about two years now.

enjoyed having a conversation with a random stranger while waiting in line for something? Not really.

wished you could see your cousins more? Yeah.

thought about how much you used to love church? Nope.

had a certain traumatic incident keep coming back to haunt you? Yeah.

debated trying to get to know your neighbors more? Not really.

not eaten anything sweet on your birthday? Nope.

….for the first time ever, since you normally eat cake on your birthday? Nope.

eaten a lot of mango popsicles? Nope.

[the-struggle-artist]

Superhero

Ever since I was young, I believed that I was supposed to change the world. 

This set me up for a lot of failure. 

Everything I’ve done in my life is in service of this goal, but it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me. My big ego is one of the only things that feels like a constant part of myself though, so I don’t want to pull that out of my house of cards. 

I’ve always learned a lot more from movies and TV shows than real life. In movies, there is such a clear-cut plot and you can tell what the right thing to do is when you hear the music swell. I’ve never experienced that in real life. Maybe nobody does, or maybe it’s because I’m broken. I’m not sure. A lot of issues in my life could be attributed to my being broken, but more on that later. 

To believe you are supposed to change the world at such a young age - no decision was taken lightly. And when I went to church, I found the Jor-El to my  fledgling Superman. I took the word of God as law - if I could follow His will then I would become a vessel of Goodness and Grace in the world full of broken sinners. (I love how I still feel I have to capitalize certain Holy words even though I haven’t been to church in ten years.) 

But when I stopped believing in God, it made believing that I was supposed to do something to change the world much harder. Now I didn’t have the answers handed down to me from on high, and the playing field was constantly shifting as I tried to understand the world without religion. 

What are the steps to take when changing the world? What sort of person do you have to be to believe such a thing? 

Step One: Figure out something that is wrong with the world

Step Two: Figure out if you can fix it

Step Three: Fix it

I’ve been going between steps one and two for the past 27 years. This is what those answers look like with religion. 

Step One: Figure out something that is wrong with the world. 

Answer: The Bible says that humans are broken because they are separate from God. 

Step Two: Figure out if you can fix it

Answer: The Bible says that if you accept Jesus into your heart and spread His Word, you’ll help others by saving them from a life without the Love of God. 

Step Three: Fix it

Answer: Be the perfect Christian human so that you can save as many souls as you can. Sacrifice any moment you can to serve this purpose. Then you will have changed the world.

But what’s so good about changing the world anyway? Is it so awful as it is? Sometimes I have believed that it is, but I don’t actually think so now. There are definitely a lot of bad things in the world, stuff that you learn growing up that don’t fit into your definition of fairness, but there are a lot of good things too. I think it’s pretty balanced. So why put all the effort into changing the world? Well, because it’s not really for the sake of the world, it’s for me. 

You see, my brain is like water running down a hill - it will not stop until it finds a path to it’s destination. I can trick myself sometimes into engaging in activities that seem to be going in another direction, but I will figure out a way to get these things to fit into my narrative of saving the world. Oh, you lost all hope? Well, that’s a part of every hero’s journey, and that’s when they find the answers they’ve been searching for, things that nobody else could have discovered. 

My destination, like many others’, is to feel a little in control in the world, feel like I’m important and have some say in how things go. What’s that? Impossible, you say? Well not with this handy dandy trick. To do this, I commonly engage in a practice called magical thinking. I assign arbitrary rules to the world that make me feel like I’m in a movie. If I’m the main character and I start out super depressed in the beginning of the movie, I must go on a journey of self discovery and find that the thing I hated about myself actually turned out to be the thing that makes me strong all along. I apply this logic to social interactions, my aspirations, my identity and much more! It’s easy. If I don’t like something that someone else says, they must not like what I say. If I am good enough, then the world will feel less out of control. If I can fix something in the world, then people will love me. But that’s not really how it ends up working in real life. It confounds me, but a lot of the time, I work really hard on solving this problem, and nobody ends up slapping me on the back and saying “Thank you for saving us by sitting in your room and brainstorming really hard about how you can make a difference, you’re a hero. Now take a break and eat some chips, we insist.” But that’s the sort of scenario I imagine all the time. I imagine how good I could feel if I could accomplish this. I don’t really feel good right now in the moment, in fact, a lot of the time, I feel pretty shitty. 

So now I’m going to go pet my hamster, because that act, that I sometimes view as simple and meaningless, makes me feel better and more at peace that any world-saving heroic fantasies that I can dream up. 

Goodnight. 

[survey--s]

425.

Have you done any of the same things as me? [2022 Edition] by joybucket

experienced something amazing and miraculous? 🤩 Not miraculous, but galloping down the beach was a pretty amazing experience, especially as my lessons were all over the place with COVID restrictions and work getting in the way. I even get to move up to the experienced group next time, hahah.

switched to a new primary care doctor? Nope.

tried a new medication? 💊 Hmm, not that I can remember.

felt afraid to leave the house? No, I can’t say I’ve ever felt like that - apart from once in Nottingham when someone with a gun was on the loose and people were advised to stay indoors until he was caught.

had a new neighbor move in? Not yet, but our neighbours on the left moved out a while ago - i think the landlord is renovating and selling the place, though.

met a new neighbor? Yeah, it turns out Kerry’s sister lives directly over the road lol. 

read the entire Bible? Nope.

had a smoothie that tasted really, really good? 🍹 None spring to mind right now, but it’s certainly possible!

had some significant health issues? No, just a couple of days where my back was bad.

made a lot of surveys? I don’t think I made any surveys this year.

taken a lot of surveys? Not as many as usual. I’ve gone through phases of it but work has been really busy and I’m normally shattered by the time I get home, shower and eat.

gave yourself a significant haircut? 💇‍♀️ Nope, just a couple of trims.

discov.ered a new YouTube channel you really liked? Nah, I don’t really watch much YouTube.

discovered a new favorite book? 📖 Yes! I LOVE the Alice series by Christina Henry.

re-read a book you really liked? 📖 Yeah, I re-read Neverwhere and The Night Circus this year.

debated reaching out to someone and asking for prayer, but didn't? 🙏 Nah, I’m not remotely religious.

started taking a new birth control pill? No.

experienced anaphylaxis? Nope.

...and then had to be on Prednisone for three months because of it? That’s pretty precise, lol. Anyway, no.

gained weight from a medication? Nah, my weight gain is because I love food too much, hahah. If I didn’t do the job I do, I would be so overweight lol.

...and then lost some of it once you were off the medication, but not all of it? ....

discovered you had steroid-induced diabetes? Nope.

daydreamed a lot? 💭 Yeah, I do that a lot at work.

had overdue library books? 📚 I haven’t been to a library in about a decade lol.

worn a mask? 😷 I think I did way back in January? I remember having to wear on at the dentist right at the end of 2020 so I think I must have done until they became optional which was maybe in March.

worn a mask when cleaning, because you're allergic to dust mites? 😷 Nope.

went days without washing your hair? No, I wash my hair everyday.

felt overjoyed one day and then depressed the next? Not quite to either of those extremes, but yes.

thought about how much you missed going to church? ⛪️ No.

thought about how much you missed painting? 🖼 Nah, I’ve never really been big on painting.

....and thought about how you'd like to start painting again? 🎨 Nope.

found out that someone got hit by a car and died while crossing a street that you cross all the time? No, not so far as I’m aware anyway.

enjoyed watching the snow fall? ❄️ Yeah, we had snow a couple of weeks ago.

wished you had a car? 🚘 I already do.

talked to your mom on the phone? 📱 Yeah, I talk to my mum on the phone a couple of times a weke.

talked to your mom online? 💬 Yeah, we talk on messenger most days.

realized none of your bras fit you anymore? Nope, they all still work just fine.

received a package in the mail? 📦 Loads. I do pretty much all my shopping online, including all of the food/medication for the animals, so I probably get 2-3 parcels a week on average, but they’re never very exciting.

started watching Youtube Shorts regularly? No. Never even heard of them, lol.

practiced self-hypnosis? 😵 Nope.

discovered a new food you really liked? Nothing is coming to mind, but I’m sure I have at some point. OH actually, the Sea Salt and Chardonnay vinegar crisps from Tesco are amazing, hahah.

discovered your bike had a flat tire? 🚴 No, but I had two flat tyres on my car within a month back in September.

made a new playlist of songs you really liked? 🎶 Sure, I did a few of those on Spotify.

got rid of a ton of old clothes? 👚 Nope.

ran/walked a Christmas-themed race? 🏃‍♀️ NOPE. Never gonna happen, haha.

watched your city's Christmas parade? Bold of you to assume we all live in cities, lol. The nearest city is over an hour away from here.

enjoyed eating salads? 🥗 Blah, no.

enjoyed eating chocolate pie? I’ve never had chocolate pie.

celebrated Thanksgiving alone? I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving.

celebrated your birthday alone? No, I was with my husband.

didn't really have a good birthday? Nah, it was pretty good. I’m sorry yours wasn’t, though!

almost died multiple times? No. I did fall of a horse though, that was interesting lol.

enjoyed reading the Bible? 📖 Nope.

danced around your living room? 💃 Sure, a few times.

written in cursive? ✍️ Sure, all the time..

written in a journal? 📓 No. Just this.

written in a one-line-a-day journal? 📔 Nope.

accidentally dropped a dish and broke it? Yep, on Christmas Day actually lol.

went for a walk through the cemetery on Halloween? Not on Halloween, no, but one of my regular dog walks takes me through one of the local cemeteries.

not brought your camera with you somewhere, and then wished you had? 📸 No, I always have my phone on me.

discovered a new really good book? I have indeed.

read a book with a character named Simone in it? I did not.

had a doctor get irritated with you? Nope, I haven’t been to the doctors at all this year.

had a doctor not believe you about something? Nope.

broke out in acne all over your face? No, just the odd spot here and there.

found out one of your friends had COVID? 🦠 Sure, loads of people have had it.

wondered if you had COVID? 🦠 Yeah, I felt like I was getting a cold earlier in the week, but it never turned into anything and I feel fine now.

played Mahjong on your phone? 🀄️ Nope.

used a lot of emojis? 🦄 🤪 💃 I use them same 4-5 over and over again.

wore a cheetah-print mask? Nope.

worshiped God? 💃 Nooooooooooooope.

uploaded some new photos to Facebook? Yeah, loads of them.

sorted through some old photos on your computer? Yeah, a few times.

wondered why your fridge was making funny noises? Actually yes. It turns out there was a bit of wire that had come loose.

gone for lovely and enchanting walks in the fall? 🍁 Yes, most definitely. My favourite time of year for walks.

wore the same outfit for days? Like, without washing? Maybe the same jeans or jumper, but not the whole outfit.

worn slipper socks? Yes.

gone out to eat with your parents? Yeah, with my mum quite a few times. My dad still isn’t very comfortable going to restaurants and stuff.

enjoyed looking at your friends' baby pictures on Facebook? Nah, I’m afraid babies don’t interest me lol.

wondered what one of your friends was going to name her baby? No, nobody close to me had a baby anyway.

wished someone would invite you to church, but no one did? I have no interest in attending church.

took more medication than you were supposed to when you were in severe pain? Nope.

wished autocorrect didn't make so many annoying errors? Mine doesn’t really do that.

wished your cramps would go away? I mean, yeah of course.

enjoyed having a conversation with a random stranger while waiting in line for something? NOPE. I absolutely hate awkward, pointless small talk. It makes me so uncomfortable and I never know what to say, hahah.

wished you could see your cousins more? Not really.

thought about how much you used to love church? No.

had a certain traumatic incident keep coming back to haunt you? A little bit.

debated trying to get to know your neighbors more?  No.

not eaten anything sweet on your birthday? Nope, I even bought myself my own cake this year, aha.

....for the first time ever, since you normally eat cake on your birthday? No.

eaten a lot of mango popsicles? I’ve had a couple, but I wouldn’t say lots.

[vaguely-yandere]

Hi Chamomile! I wanted to say that I just LOVE ur blog and ur portrayal of yanderes. You don’t know how deflated I get when finding ONLY harmful yanderes in the tags. Ive always loved submissive yanderes and the like because they are SO CUTE!! U make them so LOVABLE AND CUTEEEEE!

Because u are my 1# favorite blog I wanted to share a yandere idea with u that I can’t stop thinking about:

Cowboy yanderes/southern yanderes. LIKE OH MY GAHHH😍 the southern accent, their polite manners (except for when they get rid of their rival and place their body all over the wide open fields they help maintain), the COURTINGGGG. I have this fantasy of like just a darling moving to a southern town because a. They are introverted as heck and don’t like the city and b. They want to live a quiet life by themselves (no family or friends). Just a cute darling that wants to live peacefully until…. The towns sweetheart falls in love with them. Good looks, lovely manners, church goer and helper to all! They are the total catch with suitors just hounding them down! It’s amazing to know that yandere stayed single for so long claiming to be waiting for the “right one” and while their MAY have been a potential suitor that was the best fit for yandere, yandere decided on the anti social newbie. Everyone BEWILDERED as to why yandere claimed this mess of a person as the love of their life, nobody can say it straight to their face tho(yandere SEETHES if anyone speaks I’ll of their darlin’) just this cutie following you around town, helping you carry your bags, opening every door for you, talking to the sales clerk if they have anything in the back if they don’t have it on shelves. I’m sorry I don’t know how to write as good as you do it buuuuuttt I hope I got you into it! Btw is it possible to be heart ❤️ anon? Thank uuuu!!

....... how did you know im southern ┬┴┬┴┤(-_├┬┴┬┴

but i can totally see cowboy yan being an absolute sweetie!! always gushing about you, always trying to help out around your house, inviting you to church or the bar, just so sweet!! and of course people are jealous but everyone knows not to mess with the sweet little cowboy who carries a knife around all the time, owns a few acres of land and is basically the town sheriff.. i mean, not unless you want all the aunties to shame you!!! and also end up tied up to a tree and left for the wild hogs to eat alive.

and theyre just so so nice, gardening for you, taking care of pests, teaching you about the local environment and such, scolding anyone who talks bad about you, basically teaching you how to be southern! you kinda struggle with it at first but with cowboys sweet nature and patience, you get the hang of it! and if you offer to help them with their chores, they might actually faint from happiness (and a bit of heatstroke)

speaking of heatstroke, i imagine youd struggle to adjust to the weather and end up wearing some less than conservative clothes and, well, there isnt anyone close enough to spy on you so why not just hang out in your backyard in barely anything? its hot, theres a nice breeze going, the sun is shining and if you end up falling asleep, no issue! it just gives cowboy yan the perfect opportunity to memorize how pretty you look, maybe try to secretly relieve some of the arousal they feel and get to church to confess how bad they feel, kneeling in front of the stained glass, sweaty with a hot face, hands clasped as they quietly admit their sin. no, not stalking you, silly! you were a gift to them from god! they just felt bad about touching themselves so close to your half naked form and giving into temptation! but they dont feel bad enough to stop themselves from doing it again and again and again!!!

eheheehe and i love imagining you putting their hat on, trying to be flirty and/or funny and just them trying so so hard not to combust as they try to explain what that means! so so cute!!

and gosh, i just love imagining this usually very tough looking, rugged yandere being absolutely whipped for you. fixing things around your house, taking you where ever you want, hell they'll even give you their jacket if you vaguely mention being chilly! and just imagining them getting on their knees in front of you, looking up at you with so much want... its hard not to give em what they want!

[nothorses]

Interview With An Ex-Radfem

exradfem is an anonymous Tumblr user who identifies as transmasculine, and previously spent time in radical feminist communities. They have offered their insight into those communities using their own experiences and memories as a firsthand resource.

Background

I was raised in an incredibly fundamentalist religion, and so was predisposed to falling for cult rhetoric. Naturally, I was kicked out for being a lesbian. I was taken in by the queer community, particularly the trans community, and I got back on my feet- somehow. I had a large group of queer friends, and loved it. I fully went in on being the Best Trans Ally Possible, and constantly tried to be a part of activism and discourse.

Unfortunately, I was undersocialized, undereducated, and overenthusiastic. I didn't fully understand queer or gender theory. In my world, when my parents told me my sexuality was a choice and I wasn't born that way, they were absolutely being homophobic. I understood that no one should care if it's a choice or not, but it was still incredibly, vitally important to me that I was born that way.

On top of that, I already had an intense distrust of men bred by a lot of trauma. That distrust bred a lot of gender essentialism that I couldn't pull out of the gender binary. I felt like it was fundamentally true that men were the problem, and that women were inherently more trustworthy. And I really didn't know where nonbinary people fit in.

Then I got sucked down the ace exclusionist pipeline; the way the arguments were framed made sense to my really surface-level, liberal view of politics. This had me primed to exclude people –– to feel like only those that had been oppressed exactly like me were my community.

Then I realized I was attracted to my nonbinary friend. I immediately felt super guilty that I was seeing them as a woman. I started doing some googling (helped along by ace exclusionists on Tumblr) and found the lesfem community, which is basically radfem “lite”: lesbians who are "only same sex attracted". This made sense to me, and it made me feel so much less guilty for being attracted to my friend; it was packaged as "this is just our inherent, biological desire that is completely uncontrollable". It didn't challenge my status quo, it made me feel less guilty about being a lesbian, and it allowed me to have a "biological" reason for rejecting men.

I don't know how much dysphoria was playing into this, and it's something I will probably never know; all of this is just piecing together jumbled memories and trying to connect dots. I know at the time I couldn't connect to this trans narrative of "feeling like a woman". I couldn't understand what trans women were feeling. This briefly made me question whether I was nonbinary, but radfem ideas had already started seeping into my head and I'm sure I was using them to repress that dysphoria. That's all I can remember.

The lesfem community seeded gender critical ideas and larger radfem princples, including gender socialization, gender as completely meaningless, oppression as based on sex, and lesbian separatism. It made so much innate sense to me, and I didn't realize that was because I was conditioned by the far right from the moment of my birth. Of course women were just a biological class obligated to raise children: that is how I always saw myself, and I always wanted to escape it.

I tried to stay in the realms of TIRF (Trans-Inclusive Radical Feminist) and "gender critical" spaces, because I couldn't take the vitriol on so many TERF blogs. It took so long for me to get to the point where I began seeing open and unveiled transphobia, and I had already read so much and bought into so much of it that I thought that I could just ignore those parts.

In that sense, it was absolutely a pipeline for me. I thought I could find a "middle ground", where I could "center women" without being transphobic.

Slowly, I realized that the transphobia was just more and more disgustingly pervasive. Some of the trans men and butch women I looked up to left the groups, and it was mostly just a bunch of nasty people left. So I left.

After two years offline, I started to recognize I was never going to be a healthy person without dealing with my dysphoria, and I made my way back onto Tumblr over the pandemic. I have realized I'm trans, and so much of this makes so much more sense now. I now see how I was basically using gender essentialism to repress my identity and keep myself in the closet, how it was genuinely weaponized by TERFs to keep me there, and how the ace exclusionist movement primed me into accepting lesbian separatism- and, finally, radical feminism.

The Interview

You mentioned the lesfem community, gender criticals, and TIRFs, which I haven't heard about before- would you mind elaborating on what those are, and what kinds of beliefs they hold?

I think the lesfem community is recruitment for lesbians into the TERF community. Everything is very sanitized and "reasonable", and there's an effort not to say anything bad about trans women. The main focus was that lesbian = homosexual female, and you can't be attracted to gender, because you can't know someone's gender before knowing them; only their sex.

It seemed logical at the time, thinking about sex as something impermeable and gender as internal identity. The most talk about trans women I saw initially was just in reference to the cotton ceiling, how sexual orientation is a permanent and unchangeable reality. Otherwise, the focus was homophobia. This appealed to me, as I was really clinging to the "born this way" narrative.

This ended up being a gateway to two split camps - TIRFs and gender crits.

I definitely liked to read TIRF stuff, mostly because I didn't like the idea of radical feminism having to be transphobic. But TIRFs think that misogyny is all down to hatred of femininity, and they use that as a basis to be able to say trans women are "just as" oppressed.

Gender criticals really fought out against this, and pushed the idea that gender is fake, and misogyny is just sex-based oppression based on reproductive issues. They believe that the source of misogyny is the "male need to control the source of reproduction"- which is what finally made me think I had found the "source" of my confusion. That's why I ended up in gender critical circles instead of TIRF circles.

I'm glad, honestly, because the mask-off transphobia is what made me finally see the light. I wouldn't have seen that in TIRF communities.

I believed this in-between idea, that misogyny was "sex-based oppression" and that transphobia was also real and horrible, but only based on transition, and therefore a completely different thing. I felt that this was the "nuanced" position to take.

The lesfem community also used the fact that a lot of lesbians have partners who transition, still stay with their lesbian partners, and see themselves as lesbian- and that a lot of trans men still see themselves as lesbians. That idea is very taboo and talked down in liberal queer spaces, and I had some vague feelings about it that made me angry, too. I really appreciated the frank talk of what I felt were my own taboo experiences.

I think gender critical ideology also really exploited my own dysphoria. There was a lot of talk about how "almost all butches have dysphoria and just don't talk about it", and that made me feel so much less alone and was, genuinely, a big relief to me that I "didn't have to be trans".

Lesfeminism is essentially lesbian separatism dressed up as sex education. Lesfems believe that genitals exist in two separate categories, and that not being attracted to penises is what defines lesbians. This is used to tell cis lesbians, "dont feel bad as a lesbian if you're attracted to trans men", and that they shouldn’t feel "guilty" for not being attracted to trans women. They believe that lesbianism is not defined as being attracted to women, it is defined as not being attracted to men; which is a root idea in lesbian separatism as well.

Lesfems also believe that attraction to anything other than explicit genitals is a fetish: if you're attracted to flat chests, facial hair, low voices, etc., but don't care if that person has a penis or not, you're bisexual with a fetish for masculine attributes. Essentially, they believe the “-sexual” suffix refers to the “sex” that you are assigned at birth, rather than your attraction: “homosexual” refers to two people of the same sex, etc. This was part of their pushback to the ace community, too.

I think they exploited the issues of trans men and actively ignored trans women intentionally, as a way of avoiding the “TERF” label. Pronouns were respected, and they espoused a constant stream of "trans women are women, trans men are men (but biology still exists and dictates sexual orientation)" to maintain face.

They would only be openly transmisogynistic in more private, radfem-only spaces.

For a while, I didn’t think that TERFs were real. I had read and agreed with the ideology of these "reasonable" people who others labeled as TERFs, so I felt like maybe it really was a strawman that didn't exist. I think that really helped suck me in.

It sounds from what you said like radical feminism works as a kind of funnel system, with "lesfem" being one gateway leading in, and "TIRF" and "gender crit" being branches that lesfem specifically funnels into- with TERFs at the end of the funnel. Does that sound accurate?

I think that's a great description actually!

When I was growing up, I had to go to meetings to learn how to "best spread the word of god". It was brainwashing 101: start off by building a relationship, find a common ground. Do not tell them what you really believe. Use confusing language and cute innuendos to "draw them in". Prey on their emotions by having long exhausting sermons, using music and peer pressure to manipulate them into making a commitment to the church, then BAM- hit them with the weird shit.

Obviously I am paraphrasing, but this was framed as a necessary evil to not "freak out" the outsiders.

I started to see that same talk in gender critical circles: I remember seeing something to the effect of, "lesfem and gender crit spaces exist to cleanse you of the gender ideology so you can later understand the 'real' danger of it", which really freaked me out; I realized I was in a cult again.

I definitely think it's intentional. I think they got these ideas from evangelical Christianity, and they actively use it to spread it online and target young lesbians and transmascs. And I think gender critical butch spaces are there to draw in young transmascs who hate everything about femininity and womanhood, and lesfem spaces are there to spread the idea that trans women exist as a threat to lesbianism.

Do you know if they view TIRFs a similar way- as essentially prepping people for TERF indoctrination?

Yes and no.

I've seen lots of in-fighting about TIRFs; most TERFs see them as a detriment, worse than the "TRAs" themselves. I've also definitely seen it posed as "baby's first radfeminism". A lot of TIRFs are trans women, at least from what I've seen on Tumblr, and therefore are not accepted or liked by radfems. To be completely honest, I don't think they're liked by anyone. They just hate men.

TIRFs are almost another breed altogether; I don't know if they have ties to lesfems at all, but I do think they might've spearheaded the online ace exclusionist discourse. I think a lot of them also swallowed radfem ideology without knowing what it was, and parrot it without thinking too hard about how it contradicts with other ideas they have.

The difference is TIRFs exist. They're real people with a bizarre, contradictory ideology. The lesfem community, on the other hand, is a completely manufactured "community" of crypto-terfs designed specifically to indoctrinate people into TERF ideology.

Part of my interest in TIRFs here is that they seem to have a heavy hand in the way transmascs are treated by the trans community, and if you're right that they were a big part of ace exclusionism too they've had a huge impact on queer discourse as a whole for some time. It seems likely that Baeddels came out of that movement too.

Yes, there’s a lot of overlap. The more digging I did, the more I found that it's a smaller circle running the show than it seems. TIRFs really do a lot of legwork in peddling the ideology to outer queer community, who tend to see it as generic feminism.

TERFs joke a lot about how non-radfems will repost or reblog from TERFs, adding "op is a TERF”. They're very gleeful when people accept their ideology with the mask on. They think it means these people are close to fully learning the "truth", and they see it as further evidence they have the truth the world is hiding. I think it's important to speak out against radical feminism in general, because they’re right; their ideology does seep out into the queer community.

Do you think there's any "good" radical feminism?

No. It sees women as the ultimate victim, rather than seeing gender as a tool to oppress different people differently. Radical feminism will always see men as the problem, and it is always going to do harm to men of color, gay men, trans men, disabled men, etc.

Women aren't a coherent class, and radfems are very panicked about that fact; they think it's going to be the end of us all. But what's wrong with that? That's like freaking out that white isn't a coherent group. It reveals more about you.

It's kind of the root of all exclusionism, the more I think about it, isn't it? Just freaking out that some group isn't going to be exclusive anymore.

Radical feminists believe that women are inherently better than men.

For TIRFs, it's gender essentialism. For TERFs, its bio essentialism. Both systems are fundamentally broken, and will always hurt the groups most at risk. Centering women and misogyny above all else erases the root causes of bigotry and oppression, and it erases the intersections of race and class. The idea that women are always fundamentally less threatening is very white and privileged.

It also ignores how cis women benefit from gender norms just as cis men do, and how cis men suffer from gender roles as well. It’s a system of control where gender non-conformity is a punishable offense.

[ncitygirls]

dance - jeno x f reader

fluff, smut, 2.1k

jeno knows it’s bad, but he can’t help but reminisce on how this all began. he likes to torture himself by reliving the first night over and over. it always starts with the drunken taunts from his teammates, sullied further by his dismissal. ‘no way,’ he’d said. ‘i can’t go there.’ he remembers seeing your roommates hyping you up, followed closely by your misguided steps. even after his earlier reluctance, he still regrets not beating you to the jump, his friends’ clearing their throats, trying to act natural as you approached their booth.

he hated the setting: a grotty sports bar a town over from his college campus. it sold stale, cheap beer, triple vodka sours and served well past three am. this may not sound like the typical start to a love story, but it was a start all the same.

‘do you wanna dance?’ you asked in a painfully small voice, your emboldened strut paling in complete contrast to your timid yet gleaming gaze. jeno still can’t say where he found the courage to agree, but agree he did, nodding behind his beer before following you up to the sticky floor. somewhere along the way you had taken his hand in yours, in fear of losing him in the sea of sweaty bodies. in the musty wave of noughties hits with tacky modern spins, jeno managed to lose himself anyway. he hadn’t a clue where to put his hands, his eyes searching yours as you giggled up at him, cooing at his bewilderment.

so you led. placing his hand on your exposed waist, your top riding up as it hugged the skin beneath your rib. he felt you shiver under his touch, his fingers clenching minutely at the feeling. ‘is this okay?’ he’d yelled, though it came through as more of a whisper under the music. you didn’t respond, instead reaching for his other hand, squeezing it over the denim on your hip. jeno was spinning. not from dancing, and not from the amount he’d drank. he knew it wasn’t down to that, nor the dizzying motion of the lights, the thickness of the air or the pounding of the music. jeno knew it was you. your chest pressed flush to his, your eyes boring into his. he didn’t know when you’d started swaying, his body leaning, moving in time with the music and the others on the floor. he could hear the songs changing, feel the bass beneath his feet. there wasn’t much he could do but enjoy it.

much like he still does. as he drags you close to him, the rosie organza pleated around your chest pressed right up to his satin lapel. his confidence then pales in comparison to now. it only took a few months to see the change, one you nurtured in all the ways a man like jeno needed. in soft assurances and gentle praise. in delicate touches and the softest embraces. in ardent exchanges and steamy quickies.

but the trouble began this past winter. well, technically well before. as a child, jeno had spent his summers visiting his cousin jaemin in his hometown from before he could remember. there the two had fortified a friendship, a real brotherhood that jeno never would have gotten to experience without being cast away to the country every solstice. it was there he met his cousin’s neighbour, mark lee. mark lee, a kind kid with wide eyes and a wider smile, was the kind of kid everyone looked up to. he embodied what jeno typically thought to be an older brother. and he was. to his step sister and cousins, to kids in his neighbourhood, to jeno’s cousin jaemin and eventually to jeno. it’s why, this christmas just gone, when mark had approached jeno, with giddy eyes and a giddier smile, to ask him to be one of his groomsmen - not just due to the refusal of a painfully introverted jaemin - but because of a genuine brotherhood formed between the two, jeno’s big hearted self could not refuse.. bringing us back to where the trouble began.

‘so, are you bringing her to the wedding?’ mark questioned suddenly, his arm pushing through the sleeve of his tux. ‘you definitely shou- it’s a bit tight at the elbow, can you see?’

jeno still curses jaemin for opting out of being a groomsman, leaving jeno to deal with the trivialities of wedding prep. not that he has a real problem with it all. it’s just a fitting, he thought as he walked in, his eyes landing on the black silk hanging off the changing room door. it wasn’t until he realised it was just he and mark - the rest of the groomsmen opting to come on a later date - that he was regretting the decision. because even though no one would admit it to his face, mark was a bit of a groomzilla. less for the usual reasons. he wasn’t rude, short or angered by little inconveniences. he was just a man of superstition, faith, and insurmountable dubiety. he wanted everything to be perfect. he wanted to do as much of his part as he could for his wedding day. jeno thinks his fiancée had been right to leave him the task of the guest list. mark easily knew more people, so was naturally inundated with acquaintances. it was a great idea, jeno thought.. until mark kept- on- pushing- ‘i’ll even relieve you of your duties early, let you go off with her-’

‘thanks man,’ the younger tried, watching the tailor pinch the jacket at his waist. ‘but really, i don’t think i will. i’ll just bring my mom or something.’

‘your mom’s already invited man, you know that.’ jeno huffed at that. of course she is. mark did take his duties seriously after all. ‘couldn’t have her going off on me like jaemin did-’

‘are you comparing my mom to jaemin?’

‘i’m just saying-’ mark paused to thank the attendant, slipping back out of his jacket as he walked up to jeno, squeezing his shoulder. ‘you’ve got nothing to be nervous about, jen. you’re like a brother to me. you should bring her, i’d love to meet her.’

jeno flinches just thinking about it, his spine straightening as mark turned to him fully. jeno manages a shrug, turning back to the mirror just for a second before deciding that, no. no, it wouldn’t be a good idea to introduce his girl to his best friend on his wedding day.

because the issue wasn’t that he wouldn’t invite you.

‘you met her at college, right?’

the issue was that he couldn’t.

‘maybe y/n knows her?’

the issue is that you’re already going.

‘you know what my sister’s like, she gets on with everyone.’

“jen?” you pant, his name falling off your tongue as he bounces you quickly in his lap. “come back to me.” he smiles at your sweet call, your teeth catching his lip between them before slipping your tongue into his mouth.

the ceremony starts in ten minutes, though guests are still pouring into the church. it’s what actually convinced him. that and you, your manicured hand stuffing your damp panties into the pocket of his fitted tux. it had been his undoing, your sweeping frame gliding into a small side door a few feet from the altar.

the clock is ticking but you pay it no mind, your hips halting their rise and fall as you dig your heels into the masoned floor, grinding your hips back and forth as you ride him. you feel his nails dig painfully into your skin, his tongue wrapping around yours, swallowing your gasps as his other hand gathers your dress, the layers of delicate organza billowing over his knee. when your nails find his nape, careful not to mess up his perfectly styled do, you suck on his ear lobe, forcing him to thrust up into you.

“fuck-”

“shh!” you hiss, rushing to stuff the same panties you gifted him in his mouth. you hear his muffled groans, his cheeks hollowing as he sucks the essence of you onto his waiting tongue. he feels you clench harder around him, his eyes smiling in place of his occupied lips. he lifts a brow when your rocking falters, your eyes darting around his perfect face, incapable of taking in anything but him and how he makes you feel. there’s a question in his gaze, forcing your head to bob. “yeah- i’m close-”

he abandons your dress then, letting the material pool around you two as he presses his palm to your neck, bringing your mouth to his. it’s a quick and steep descent to your release, your thighs burning as he slams you up and down on his cock, your skin clapping against his as he abandons all reason. he’s kept it quiet for so long, at times he thinks it might consume him from the inside out, all this love he has for you. all jeno really wants is to scream it out from the highest mountain top, tattoo it to his forehead, paint it on the fucking moon. hell, he would pay anyone to listen. he didn’t care who. he’d tell anyone who’d listen that he, lee jeno, was in love with y/n y/l/n.

“i love you too,” you almost cry, jaw unhinged as you feel the effects of his thrusts and affection rip through you. it spreads through you like wildfire, setting every nerve in you alight before it finally consumes him. your heat pumps and pushes him past his release, his heavy load pouring out into you. you milk him through it, your temple pressed to the crown of his head.

it’s the church bells that rip you apart, your whole body cringing as realisation hits. you cringe further as his flushed face fills your vision, his hands gathering your dress again before further staining your panties as he wipes between your legs. “don’t look at me like that.”

“like what?”

“like it’s worse for you than it is for me.” you’re about to ask how when he moves away from you, closing his eyes as he wraps it up before shoving it back in his pocket. “i said don’t.”

“fine, i won’t-” your surrender is cut short when knuckles strike the door three times, jaemin’s sign to wrap it up. “shit, let’s go-” you try to leave but can’t. because suddenly he’s stopping you, his warm hand loosely wrapped around your wrist.

“let’s tell him.”

“tell who what-”

“mark.” jeno used to hate acknowledging the striking similarities between you and your step brother. much like the unwon battle of the chicken and the egg: which came first? which of you taught the other that when your eyes enlarge, rounding into porcelain saucers, two full moons nearly eclipsing him, that he’d give you anything?

“today?” when he nods, you want to laugh. but he looks so confident. so sure. “jen, are you sure?”

“i am,” his affirmation makes your heart swell, even before he continues. “i’m sure about you.”

he knows where your uncertainties lie. but you affirm it too. “i’m sure about you too.” you both seem to forget the wedding in that moment, both neglecting the importance of your bridal party roles in favour of basking in one another for even a second longer. “only if you save me a dance?”

“always.” so much so, you don’t register the sound of the confessional door swinging open when jeno leans in to kiss to your forehead, his bitten lips pressing to the skin as his eyes land on a pair not too dissimilar to the ones he’d just poured his heart out to.

mark seems to short circuit for a second that seems to last hours. “mom’s looking for you,” he announces, spluttering around the words as you immediately grab jeno by the hand and drag him out the confessional. you both duck your heads as you shuffle past jaemin, who looks beyond pissed you didn’t heed his earlier warning.

when you both disappear, your brother turns on jaemin, eyes wide as full moons. “you knew!” it only angers him more when jaemin nods, unflinching when mark starts slapping his arm. “he told you and you didn’t tell me?”

“nuh-uh,” the younger defends, straightening out the groom’s lapel as he reverently shuts the confessional door. “i figured it out.” mark looks bewildered at the notion it had been so obvious. jaemin has to remind himself it’s mark’s day and not to be too harsh. “come on, hyung. he wouldn’t tell us her name, wouldn’t let us meet her.” mark still looks stunned. “don’t get me started on how many times they pulled this shit last christmas-”

and to think. it all started with a dance.

[heniareth]

I was really curious about what your opinions on the DAO companions are :) I know we have talked about some, but I'd love to hear more and about the others as well :D I hope it's ok to pose this as an ask :)

Sure! That sounds like a ton of fun. This might be a long one tho. Mind you, this is not the finished version of the answer. I'd like to link stuff and add a cut, but rn that's not possible. I'll update it when I can.

Edit: I have updated it ^^

Let's go alphabetically bc why not.

Alistair:

Sweet guy. So sweet. There was a moment when I was hard pressed chosing between him and Zevran (alas, Zevran won). Also, he's weirdly tall according to the wiki? How did I not notice that before?

Let's get a bit more serious now, Alistair is a great guy. The only reason he's not the hero of the story is because he doesn't want to. He has all the qualities of a leader: he's good at dealing with conflict (as evident with the conversation with the mage at the beginning. He gets where he wants to get without antagonizing the mage, but without allowing him to trample all over him). He's a solid tactitian and knows how to make allies (he suggests to use the Grey Warden treaties, after all). I bet if he was in the leadership position, he'd even not bicker with Morrigan. His moral code is pretty tight; some might say too tight, but I think it's less about the moral code and more about learning to judge people by their actions, not by the labels they fit into (Morrigan is a proud apostate and therefore bad. Wynne is a humble circle mage and therefore good). He also has a bit of a black-and-white way of seeing the world. I empathize a lot with Alistair, especially with his experience with the Chantry and his subsequent reluctance to deal with it. I really wish I had gotten to know more about concrete experiences he had during his training as templar, but he seems reluctant to talk about it (gee, I wonder why).

Since I've only played the game once, I haven't really picked up on Arl Eamon's abuse towards him, which apparently exists (Isolde, however... I mean, even if he were Eamon's illegitimate son, he's a kid, ma'am, he didn't exactly get to chose his parents. So that's so not okay). Alistair's way of speaking about them both, however, is either sign that he has not come within a hundred miles of acknowledging how much it hurt him, or that he's already gone through the whole process and has decided to forgive them. The latter shows a very strong character; yes, he relies on the approval and leadership of others, he has his issues, but he's already started working on them.

That being said, irl Alistair would be like a little brother to me. I'd tease him relentlessly (all in good fun and I promise to stop if it makes him uncomfortable, but he's just so teasable). I still wish the videogame gave him the chance to take important decisions for himself. But that, of course, would somewhat defeat the point of the game.

Leliana:

Another sweet, sweet person. Her singing voice is amazing. Her belief in the Maker inspires me (I'm a religious person and seeing religious characters represented in a positive light is Very Cool. It's also sometimes a source of discomfort, because the Church has done a lot of very messed up stuff and positive representation can sometimes veer into apologetics for things that should not be excused, but that's a whole other can of worms. The bottom line is that religious characters sometimes work for me and other times don't and Leliana works for me very much bc she's an outsider inside the Chantry).

Leliana is best friend material, tbh. I'd love to get to know her irl, discuss theology and philosophy and maybe even politics? She makes mistakes and has prejudices, but, tbh, so do I. And I do get the feeling that she tries her best to learn. From the times she intervenes in a conversation between the Warden and an NPC, she shows herself to be compassionate and open to the needs of others. What I get from her character is that she genuinely wants to help, which is something that I adore of her. I suspect that she sometimes has a hard time deciding wether she's a good person or not. She has killed and seduced and worked for a morally dubious person, and she doesn't show the same nonchalance about it as Zevran (though they both do discuss their line of work in very... professional terms). This is, however, more of a headcanon than actual factual canon.

I also very much enjoy her girly side, like her interest in shoes and dresses. She's one badass woman who also looses her cool about the latest fashions in Val Royeaux. I like that. Between her and Alistair, a non human noble Warden has as good a help to navigate the Fereldan court as they're going to get. Leliana is also, I can't forget that, clever and insightful. It'd be easy to write her off as the innocent chantry girl, but she's so much more than that. Her kindness is paired with foresight, I think. She knows that taking on the trouble to help now can go a long way in the future. I just have a lot of respect for her.

Loghain:

This one's gonna be short bc I didn't recruit him. He's an amazing villain and would probably be a great Warden as well. He reminds me of Denerhor from LOTR; once a hero/stewart of his people, ambition and desperation have driven them both down a terrible path. I have also only little idea about his past. People say he lost a lot, and I believe it wholeheartedly; it doesn't excuse the fact that he plunged the country into a civil war in the middle of a Blight. I don't have a lot of sympathy for short-sighted politicians. I wish he hadn't made himself regent. That's what I take away from his character.

Edit: One thing I forgot to mention that really impressed me was his death. I had Alistair duel him (that was a rough duel), and then it kinda just jumped to a cutscene of my Warden nodding and Alistair executing him. That didn't sit well with me. I didn't want to kill Loghain, and less so in front of Anora. But what impressed me was that Loghain just accepted it. That takes a whole lot of guts. Compare that to Howe's death, and how he screams out that he deserved (more, probably, or anything but death) and it's crystal clear who the more noble of the two is. Loghain strikes me as very lawful neutral, and any neutral alignment has the particularity that it can be dragged towards good or bad, sometimes without the characters noticing it (which is interesting from a DnD perspective; neutral is often concieved of as just as stable as good or evil, but that may not be true. But that's a different post). Anyway, Loghain's death was impactful.

Morrigan:

I could kick myself for not maxing out her approval in the first play-through. I got to enjoy a bit of her friendship by the end of it and boy was even that little bit worth it. Friendship with Morrigan is something that is hard-won. It's all the more precious because of that.

Morrigan is full of paradoxes, I think. She's incredibly wise in some ways, yet also very short-sighted (”just kill them, don't solve their problems”. Morrigan, dear, I'm not going to gain a lot of allies if I kill everybody who poses a problem to me). She is so intelligent, but emotionally... not so. She knows so much about some things, and very little about the next. She's incredibly wilful and knows what she wants, but follows Flemeth's orders all the time through. She hungers for power and independence, yet craves closeness, but won't allow herself to have it. She asks you to prove yourself to her and is extremely critical of your actions, I think, because she's afraid. She bites the hand that feeds her because it might hit her next.

Like with Eamon, I haven't managed to catch the undercurrent of abuse that seems to permeate Flemeth's relationship with Morrigan. Except there are signs, because there must be something Morrigan is scared of and who has instilled all that rage in her, and that's Flemeth. Also, she clearly hates/does not care about her and wants her dead (unless killing Flemeth was part of Flemeth's plan as well? Hm.)

Morrigan is that one person who you are nice to, continuously, because nobody else is. And suddenly she becomes less cold. And then friendly. And suddenly you're asking yourself why everybody hates her, because she's a really good friend! I just wish the other companions came to a similar conclusion, especially Alistair and Wynne.

Oghren:

They did this man dirty. He has such great lines and I'm convinced he was a great person before Branka disappeared. He has that dwarven warrior spirit, and while he looks like Gimli, some of his most impactful lines remind me of Dwalin or even Thorin Oakenshield himself. He could be so noble had he gotten some character development, damnit!

Oghren as he is written is somewhat disgusting. I hate the lechering comments and the drunkenness. And still, I don't hate him because of those amazing lines he has when he's actually sober. It's frustrating and I'll give him that character development myself if the game won't. I strongly associate the song Whiskey Lullaby with him, bc that's how he would have ended up if the Warden hadn't taken him along (warning: the song talks about suicide and alcoholism). Like I said, they could have done such cool things with his character. As he is written now... it's just sad. Moments of lucidity drowned in alcohol and creepy jokes. As you can see, I don't blame the character for either. The alcoholism happens all too often irl. The creepy jokes... I put that one on the writers' tab.

I actually think Oghren could have been a great mentor figure (I know, I shock myself as well sometimes). Next to the Grey Wardens, the ones who know most about fighting darkspawn are the dwarves because they have to deal with them constantly. Especially a warrior caste dwarf like Oghren could have brought a lot of that invaluable knowledge to the team, especially since there are no Grey Wardens in Ferelden but two extremely green recruits. Next, you get the chance to give Oghren the command of the teammates you leave behind in the battle of Denerim with the reason that he has lead men into battle before. Where did that suddenly come from? Oghren should have been right up there telling my Warden that they were doing this wrong, that they needed more food (and booze) and a confident leader to keep the armies they've called together going. Oghren should have been able to tell my civilian city elf who got recruited into the Grey Wardens a six months ago how one leads an army. How one presents oneself to inspire confidence, how one doesn't crack under the pressure, how one gets the leaders of said armies (some who hate each others guts i.e. Dalish elves and humans) to work together. And, last but not least, Oghren could have had a great story about grief. This is a man who has lost most of what made him (and what he hasn't lost he's spilling down the drain with every mug of ale). This is a man who, if you take him into the Deep Roads, has to see what his wife did to his family, how his wife got absolutely obsessed, and can be forced to kill said wife or watch her die. All Wardens loose their home and families at the start of the story. It would really have rounded the whole narrative out if the Warden and Oghren could have recognised their grief in each other and hashed it out somehow. Such as it is, Oghren is a depressed drunkard and there is nothing we can do about that. I find that frustrating.

Rascal (a.k.a. Dog):

Best boy. 100/10. I wish we had gotten to see the reaction of the different origins to the mabari (because elves probably have a whole different experience with them from mages or humans. And dwarves just... I think they straight up have none? XD). Other than that, no complaints. The name Rascal was the one I gave my dog because you have to be a right rascal to survive what he did and play the pranks he plays. Smartest breed in the world indeed.

Shale:

Shale is one of those characters that I recruited rather late in the game, so I haven't had the chance to explore their personality and worldview, really. I didn't even get to take them to the Deep Roads (this will be ammended in playthrough nr. 2). As such, I don't have particularly strong opinions on them (or her? The wiki refers to Shale as 'it', but that sounds weird). But, because I know so little about Shale, I have a lot of questions. First, what were they like before they were a golem? Shayle, as she was called then, was the best warrior of her time if I remember correctly. Why did she become a golem? Was it to be able to eternally protect her people? Was the sarcasm the golem Shale exhibits also part of the dwarven warrior Shayle or did that come later (if for thirty years you have nobody to talk to but yourself, you better be entertaining. And I can imagine how it could make somebody terribly jaded as well).

Next, how attached is Shale to their golem form, exactly? According to the banter, they infinitely prefer it to a squishy fleshy form. If that is the case, however, why go to Tevinter to try and become a squishy dwarf again? It's not like that process could be reversed if they wanted to become a golem again; if Shale survives to the end of the game, the Anvil of the Void is destroyed and Caridin is dead. Was the whole spiel about their indestructible form a façade? It might have been, but not because Shale actually disliked their form. I think it would have more to do with the loss of their memories and with the very invasive experiments and alterations of Shale's body made by the mage Wilhelm. The loss of memories means that Shale is unable to remember life as a fleshy creature. They might be deflecting by pretending that they didn't care for that experience anyway because of the superiority of their golem form. The modifications made to their form by Wilhelm would have alienated them from their body. In light of this, it's significant that Shale asks the Warden to decorate their form with crystals.

All of this is, of course, pure speculation. I may have easily missed or forgotten details that would disprove the above thoughts. All in all, I like Shale and I hope we meet them again in DA4 (given that it's mostly set in Tevinter). It's a liking from a respectful distance, because Shale is tall and made out of rock and also way more experienced than I will ever be (they are literally the oldest member of the Warden's little Blight fighting squad).

Sten:

Sten is another person I'd keep a respectful distance from physically. That seems to be the what he would prefer, at least. I've enjoyed his character a lot, especially because he seems pretty clear-cut at first, but slowly lets the nuance of his person show (gruff and stoic, but then he has an eye for art, a sweet tooth and he likes cute animals). It's also very interesting that there's no moment when you learn "the truth" about him the way you do with Zevran or Leliana. There's no big reveal about his life under the Qun before coming to Ferelden. He says he was sent to monitor the Blight, but honestly? If neither Ferelden nor Orlais knew there was a Blight, how could the Qunari know? I think he's lying, and he takes his secrets back with him when he leaves Ferelden. And yet I think I know him enough to say that a Warden who has become friends with him has nothing to fear from Sten.

One thing I find very interesting about Sten is how he thinks. His conversation about how women can't be soldiers has been analysed a lot on this page I think. He seems to be arguing based on a different paradigma than the one the Warden has. He also seems to have a very clear-cut view of the world. What is fascinating to me is that, when arguing with the Warden and learning about their culture, he is not necessarily becoming more lax about his worldview. I think it's more likely that he is expanding his paradigma, the structure of thought through which he understands the world. I don't think that he is now convinced that women can be warriors as well. I think he rather understands that, in Ferelden, the relationship between occupation and gender is different than under the Qun. Which of the two he thinks is more right or more agreeable, I have no idea. I'm also not very interested in that. But I find it fascinating how he always seems to be looking on quietly, gathering data, classifying it and trying to fit it into his understanding of how the world works. I wouldn't be surprised at all if his original party was a scouting party to see how vulnerable Ferelden was at that moment to outside forces. One thing I don't understand with all of this is why he urges the Warden to meet the Blight head on. No smart soldier would suggest that, except if they are foolishly proud (and Sten doesn't seem like that kind of guy tbh). I get that the Warden takes way longer to gather allies than expected because they first have to solve all of their allies' problems. But surely Sten sees the need to have allies? Is he just that impatient? Does he have a death wish (à la, I lost my sword and am without honour, better to die sooner than later and in glorious battle)? Was he his group's previous commander and is he now having trouble following somebody else's orders? Or maybe it's his way to make sure the Warden knows what they are doing? To push them into becoming the self-assured commander their allies will need once they're all gathered? I really don't know. I like the last option best, however.

For me, Sten is my fellow, more experienced soldier. Like Alistair, he can potentially be the Warden's brother in arms, but he's definitely the older brother here. He probably doesn't take kindly to tearful confessions of how hard everything is, but I feel like he's otherwise a solid rock to lean on. I feel like the Warden can trust him to do what is necessary and count on him no matter what, especially after they get his sword back. His devotion from that point on is honestly so powerful.

Wynne:

Wynne was such a support for my Warden (except with the whole conversation about love vs. duty and that she may have to choose between Zevran and ending the Blight and that she should therefore break up with him. Wynne had a point. Astala was so not willing to sacrifice her relationship with Zevran. But the whole conversation came at a point where she was already so disillusioned that she blew up in Wynne's face (”can i please just have one (1) nice thing????”)). But all in all, Wynne is great.

She has a lot of flaws. She was very marked by her life in the Cricle and, for all her age, she has little experience living outside of it. She is also a conformist despite her strong moral core. In a way, her ability to find peace with her lot in life impresses me deeply because it speaks to a lot of strength of character. Sadly, however, strength can be ill applied and used to suppress. I think she has convinced herself that the Chantry is right under (almost) all circumstances to be able to rationalize the life that mages live. She's had her son taken away from her as a baby and an apprentice killed. Her reaction seems to have been to convince herself that this was right, or for the greater good (and now I'm thinking about the Guardian's question at the temple of Andraste's Ashes; are you wise or do you just repeat what others have told you? The answer is not as clear-cut as it might be). This is why she is so irritated by Zevran and Morrigan. By aligning herself with the Chantry, she is, in her eyes, good. Zevran and Morrigan are not; they do not conform to Chantry morality and they defend themselves tooth and nails against somebody who would try and convert them. This is something Wynne never allowed herself to do; she always did the "right" thing and it has cost her so much. I'm not saying she was right (it would probably have done her some good to rebel from time to time, and to trust her own gut instinct more), but in light of this, it hardly surprises me that she's so judgamental. She has to be, or she would be forced to confront all the evil she has not fought against all those years and all the hurt that has been caused to her by the very institution she protects (and thank God she only tries to argue and can appreciate it when people have found a good life outside of her comfort zone. If she tried to convince by force or, for example, drag her former apprentice back to the Circle... boy oh boy that would get ugly). If you think about it, Wynne really is a good example for what happens if you live by a philosophy of always choosing the lesser evil.

Something that I keep forgetting over her grandmotherly and dignified character is how damn powerful she is. She has escaped the carnage at Ostagar; HOW!? She protected those mage apprentices in the Circle tower for God knows how long. In the battle of Denerim, she wades through an army and comes out alive on the other side. The wiki lists her age at 40, I think, but that doesn't make a lick of sense unless 75 years of age are the Fereldan equivalent to 100. This lady, about whom people make grandmother jokes, did all that. It's impressive.

Zevran:

You know, I would really love to know what Wynne thinks about the events at Kirkwall in DA2. It might be a disaster for her, or it might pave the way for one last bit of character development. She certainly didn't want to return to the Circle after fighting the Blight. That may be an indicator of some change in her stance on the Circle of Magi.

Edit: I forgot that she is what the Circle considers a literal abomination! Holy cow, how could I forget that?? Anyway, her conversation about what being an abomination means is so... heartbreaking, actually. It's so tentative. So careful. "Am I an abomination? Am I the same thing that has killed my students? The same thing as Uldred? Am I lost and damned? Did I invite this spirit in? Is this my fault?" Like wow, Wynne is going through something huge right there. I love it. I have to continue playing the game to see what it ends up as, but it's fascinating and such a huge thing that she allows the Warden in on that.

Ah, Zevran, my beloved (he has stolen my heart so much it's not even funny anymore). He's funny, he's charming, he's so so loyal and it breaks my heart. Zevran is the one about whom I've read most meta: these three wonderful posts for instance, as well as this one about his possible lack of scars, and this one about his lack of freedom. All of these have influenced my opinion of him and they are great reads.

I have talked about Zevran with you before, so I'll just skip to the new stuff. I have come to conclusion that Zevran is an artist at heart. This is totally not biased by the fact that I also do art, but hear me out. One of his preferred gifts are bars of silver and gold. While those have the obvious utility of basically functioning as money (they can be sold to any silversmith or goldsmith and their value is pretty stable through time and in different countries), there's also this from his codex: "Zevran shows an affinity for the finer things in life—hardly surprising for an Antivan Crow—but his appreciation can be more poetic than he lets on. A simple bar of refined silver or gold, uncomplicated by a craftsman's hammer, is elegantly valuable." Tell me that is not an artist's eye that sees that gold and sees the beauty in it. Then, there's also the meta about Zevran the Seducer which I linked above and link here again. It talks specifically about how he lets himself enjoy the target and be seen in his enjoyment. Tell me that is not an artist's eye that beholds the beauty of something he is set out to destroy. Even his talk about his assassinations show this. He talks about it as an art, the way somebody would talk about the brutal intervention in stone that produces a sculpture. Yes, it's a rationalization of the act of killing and yes killing is still wrong. But he doesn't go on about it on a moral tangent the way Alistair or Wynne would (”this person was bad, killing them was necessary”) or even through the argument of survival like Morrigan would (”it was either them or me and it sure as Hell wasn't going to be me”). He talks about the pleasure of a job well done, of the satisfaction of striking the precise point and executing a plan to the perfection so as to minimize chances of discovery and to make a clean death possible. And pleasure in seeing and in doing, this I firmly believe, is absolutely fundamental for an artist.

My favourite part about my Warden and Zevran as a pairing is that Zevran precisely brings out that ability to take your pleasures as they come and to really savour them. Fighting the Blight is tough; it's so important to find good things amidst the chaos to stay sane. If Astala saves Zevran from himself by offering him a place to stay and a purpose, Zevran saves Astala from herself by keeping her from running herself into the ground trying to save the world.

There are some things I don't like about Zev. The incessant flirting, for example, sometimes makes me uncomfortable (it becomes enjoyable for me once the Warden and him are in a relationship, but before that? Nah, no thanks). I wish he would also leave the other female characters alone (and there's so many more shameless comments of his aimed at Morrigan, Leliana or Wynne than at Alistair or maybe even Sten).

---

And that's my take on the Origins companions (this was rather long. Whew ^^' I hope it was still readable and that you enjoyed it!!) Thank you so much for the ask!! It's been a joy thinking about this. I was worrying at first that the less prominent companions like Sten or Shale wouldn't get as much content but... well XD

[minibagel7]

hihiihhuiiiii hello I’ve been wondering if I’m autistic since mid august and I wake up solely to consume knowledge about autism and I think that in itself is a sign because I believe this is a hyperfixation and I looooove psychology sm I’d consider it a special interest. I’m just rambling sorry- onto the list!!! 🤭

• SPECIAL INTERESTS: I absolutely have special interests specifically in psychology, ANY form of art (drawing, painting, movies, music, ETC.), nature, animals, and colors I guess?? That’s a new one but they’ve always fascinated me.

• sensory issues: ah yes, throwing a fit and crying because my church dress was too itchy. “It’s made of cotton???” I DONT CARE MOTHER, THE STITCHES ARE P A I N F U L. Strong smells and tastes/textures immediately overwhelm me, like head aches, gagging, flappy hands, body wiggle, sometimes crying. I seem to hear things that other people don’t ahahahhahahaha- I literally hate that blazing ball in the sky that we call the sun 👹 some days it’s burning my eye balls the next it’s not bright enough idk it’s weird

• echoing: I’m literally a human mocking bird. If you said something a certain way or someone on TV did then I am going to repeat it. It’s an uncontrollable action 💀

• stimming: I can and will break into song at any given moment, mostly physically but mentally if I have to (like in class). I will shake my leg, rock back & forth, chew the inside of my cheeks, flap my hands, aggressively wiggle my body, kick, compliment people or things if I feel like it. Bouncing and spinning too <33

• hyperfixations: I’ve had like a billion of these and they vary with how long they last. Could be hours, days, weeks, months, and years if I’m lucky. I will consume every thing I can about it and sacrifice my sleep for it. I love buying merchandise like FUNKO POPS!!!!!!!!! I only have one but I’m trying to expand my collection.

• social interactions: ARE FUCKING EXHAUSTING. When I first learned what masking was I had an identity crisis realizing that I have no real sense of self because I’m just MIRRORING PEOPLE. ALL THE TIME!!!!!!! I’ve always felt like everyone was better at socializing, and that I “missed that class” as if it really is a class. In elementary school it was awful, I was so obsessed with mine and other people’s behavior, and I was very sensitive and judgmental. I started doing that because when I tried to be myself I got bad reactions, so masking was kinda like a safety blanket, a very unhealthy and depressing safety blanket. However, thanks to the internet and probably a cartoon, I realized it’s better be myself so I started doing that…but only with people I’m close with. Which is two people (not including family members), another autistic person and the “quiet kid”. I still mimic other people, but now I’m just very passive and quiet to hopefully avoid social interaction as much as I can.

• eye contact: I can maintain it…I guess. When I think about doing it, it’s either very excessive or just “yikes eye contact im gonna look at their hands, the wall, or literally anything but their eyes” ahahahwhhsha

• social rules: I’ve never really understood these but I thought I would get in trouble or something if I didn’t do them.

• development stuff: according to my mother, I hit all of my milestones on time but I was a very quiet baby and I knew how to self soothe since birth, idk if that has anything to with autism but yeah. I sucked my thumb and used sippy cups until I was like 8-9. Apparently I was the only one that liked Frozen after age 7. Anyways

• rules: I was a snitch in elementary and people did NOT like that. I told my mom about it and she explained to me that “there’s just some things you don’t tell on people for” and it stuck with me for the rest of my life. Now that I’m a teenager I have trouble accepting that I can’t be in control of my own life 👹 I lie a lot with is normally not on autistic trait but I do it out of fear of punishment…pretty sure that’s normal.

• executive functioning: my executive functioning skills are such ass that I literally can’t function EXCEPT ORGANIZATION. I LOOOOOVEEEEE organizing and will GLADLY take time out of my day to organize things. When my mom is waiting in line for groceries, I’m happily sorting out the candy and making sure it looks nice and goes where it belongs. Ironically, my room usually ends up as an absolute mess but I like cleaning it.

• I don’t always understand sarcasm, it has to be a phrase I’m used to or said with an extremely obvious tone otherwise I won’t get it…I think.

• repetitive noises make my want to tear my brain in half…LOL!!

• I remember when I finally started being myself and suddenly I was “too much” for everyone. I had low empathy, no filter, very blunt, and SOOOOO much stimming.

OKAY I think im done, I’ll lost more about it later.

[honeytea8]

✨✨La Squadra Boyfriend Headcanons✨✨

[Alexa, play Boyfriend by Big Time Rush]

Guys, I spend an ungodly amount of time thinking about La Squadra, so here are some bf headcanons for the sexiest group of assassins in Naples. No one asked but I am bringing it straight to your dash anyway! (under the cut for length lmao)

I’m going to start with Prosciutto, who has recently fallen on my radar pretty heavy! 

He’s a good and decent boyfriend, if not a busy one. Not that he doesn’t care about the relationship, but most of his energy was going to Passione things before you waltzed in and so he’ll struggle a bit between his work responsibilities and maintaining his relationship with you, but only in the beginning. 

If you are also a part of Passione, it’s a hell of a lot easier to manage. 

I see Prosciutto as the gift-giving type: lingerie, sweets, perfume, designers, etc. His salary isn’t the best, but he manages it as well as he can just to accommodate you! 

I just can’t get the idea out of my head that Pro was raised by a strict mama, that’s why he can be a bit of a stickler sometimes. He’ll catch you still lounging in bed at nine am, and be like “Why are you still in bed? Get dressed, we’re going out.” Dude!

I’m sorry to say, but Prosciutto is absolutely the ‘lecturing’ type. (He lectured someone in nearly every scene in the anime, Formaggio once and Pesci numerously and Bucci too) 

He will lecture you when you make mistakes, especially because as his s/o, he has high expectations for you and believes you’re capable of so much more. It’s never, ever out of hate. He loves you, and that’s why he chides you a bit lol. 

This does not negate the fact that he doesn't mind when you lean on him for support. He likes when you count on him, because he always comes through especially for you!

Depending on whether you’re in the mafia or not, I totally see him sparring with you, or working out with you in an effort to make you tough. Prosciutto wants you to be able to defend yourself, just in case. If you complain, he’ll tell you, “Better safe than sorry, tesoro”.

Prosciutto will respect you, period.

A good listener, goddamn! He’s up there with Risotto when it comes to who listens to their s/o more! If you have an issue, he’ll hear you out and offer advice if you want it. If you give him advice, he’ll take it into serious consideration. He’s honestly a good partner, can’t stress that enough.

Finally, sex with Pro is an entire event. Romantic dinner, candles lit, wine, the whole nine yards before he gives you nine inches of something else :) (I’m kidding!! Lmao, kinda). 

But as I said, Prosciutto is quite deliberate, and a bit of a perfectionist. He knows what to do and how to do it, you can trust him.

Ghiaccio is next only because he’s my favorite. 

The ice gremlin is probably the most interesting (and hilarious) boyfriend out of the bunch (I say this with only a tidbit of bias). He isn’t funny himself, but funny shit just happens to him. 

Because of this, he will use you as a soundboard when everyone else refuses to listen to him. He’s got a lot to say, so be prepared for his TEDtalks. LMAO!

It will take some perception on your part to notice when he actually expects a response from you, and other times he’s just ranting to get his point out. 

He will correct your grammar when you text, but barely notices when he makes a similar mistake (his brain moves in mph). Please use the proper names like Venezia, Italia, Roma and Napoli when talking to this man; save yourself from the headache.

When it comes to dates, please have mercy on him, he’s a textbook over-thinker! You’ll just have to plan something simple at home for you both to enjoy. 

He isn’t incapable of planning dates, but he’ll want everything to be so absolutely perfect for his s/o and will throw a fit when it ultimately isn’t. 

Contrary to popular belief, I think that Ghiaccio is a pretty attentive partner. He’s super intelligent and I think a part of it stems from his innate ability to read people (I’m referencing the part in the anime where he deduced what Giorno and Mista had come to look for, while going off very little information). 

The more time he spends with you, the better he gets at it. 

His form of affection will be shown through the amount of time you both spend together. When it comes to sex or anything related to that, be gentle and slow as Ghiaccio will likely be a flustered mess. 

As he becomes more comfortable and confident, he will be bolder and just ask out right if you’ll suck him off tonight or not. The man appreciates directness, so don’t bother being coy. “You want me to give you head? Cool, lay down a towel or something.” is what he’ll probably say.

Very practical 👌🏾👌🏾

Melone, good lord, he’s kind of perfect. 

A bit of a doting boyfriend here and there—very much concerned about your health. Expect him to ask if you’ve eaten, or taken your multivitamin. How are your bowel movements?  LMAO

It can become a bit much, but he really genuinely cares. He’s not asking to be intrusive or nasty! If he was, you’d know. 🤣

But I seriously consider Melone to be the one (at least among La Squadra) who is way, way invested in his relationships. He will know every little detail about you; will ask you lots of questions and expects you to ask him just as many. 

This may be annoying to some, but this dude will definitely bring up your horoscope in an argument. He’ll be like “I honestly can’t fathom why you’re being this way, though it’s to be expected from a libra.” 

Peg this bitch so he can shut up.  

Melone is also touchy as hell, but not in a clingy way. He loves touching, and just to tag onto the headcanon about his partial blindness, I want to say that he’s so touchy because that’s how he ‘sees’ you best.

Just know that half the time, he isn’t touching you to be lecherous, even if he genuinely does like the feel of your skin under his fingertips. Melone will even encourage you to touch him back. 

Rub his thigh or back and he’ll be simping.

He is obsessed with your legs, and will paint your toes if you let him. 

LOVES PDA! Melone will also tongue-kiss you in public if you let him!

Notice how I keep saying ‘if you let him’. Give him an inch and he’ll press you for a mile, so if there are boundaries you would like to establish, please do, cuz he sure as hell won’t, just saying!

When it comes to sex, Melone is a dick and coochie sensei. Oral is his favorite thing to do, probably enjoys giving more than receiving to be honest. I’d say he’s pretty much mastered sex for what it is. 

That being said, if he’s ever talking out of his neck, just invite him to put his mouth to better use. He’ll even thank you for your gracious request.

Formaggio is next 💀 

According to my JoJo compatriots from discord, he’s like the Optimus Prime of fuckboi’s so let’s ride that wave for a bit! LMAO

I hope it doesn’t come as a surprise that Formaggio is pretty shameless. He will send you a dick pic on Sunday morning before church and have the audacity to say “Just wanted to bless you real quick”. 

@autumn-kouhai mentioned him giving his s/o sickly sweet pet names and I just have to agree. 

Expect to be hit upside the head with: baby-boo, sugar plum, honey bunches, sweetums. I can imagine them becoming really ridiculous too like “the last piece of red velvet cake” or “cheddar bae biscuits from Red Lobster”

His catch phrase is “Got nudes?”

Send them, and he won’t be afraid to reply with something equally sexy. 

Be warned though, he will stockpile whatever you send him and then be careless with his phone. If you don’t mind Illuso’s snoopy ass seeing your nudes then by all means, have at it. Otherwise, send them through snapchat, so they disappear later. 

As far as La Squadra boyfriends go, he’s the most fun! Y’all don’t even go anywhere because man’s is broke. BUT, Formaggio knows how to have a good time without any need to spend money (my kind of dude tbh) you guys just crank up the tunes, dance, and get lit until the neighbors complain. 

Formi is also the CEO of jokes/memes, and will have you in absolute tears almost always! I literally tell my friends that funny guys are so dangerous, don’t sleep on them! They will make you laugh until your panties drop, it’s magic, I swear. Formaggio has that same energy. 

No matter how bad of a day his s/o is having, rest assured, he will draw the biggest laugh out of you.

Besides his fuckboi tendencies, his most redeeming quality is the fact that he’s super cool and fun to hang with. You’ll literally have a good time, always, because his energy is right! Very good vibes around this man, I swear! It’ll be exactly like dating your best friend, because essentially, he will be your bestie.

Formi has many moments of tenderness that aren’t sexually charged too—moments where the jokes stop and he’ll just rub your back or feet, this is usually when you aren’t feeling well and need some quiet. 

However, Formaggio won’t let you mope all day, he’ll pull out the big guns and call you his “sweetie baby” and when you try to resist he’ll say “What, I’m just tryna show you some love.”

He’s a good dude lmao I’d date a guy like him irl 😭

Pesci stans wya??! Let’s get into this baby boy. 

Pesci is boyfriend material, idgaf what anyone says. 

He is pretty much the least problematic to be with among all of La Squadra, even more so than Risotto (don’t argue with me). 

Pesci is hyper aware of your likes and dislikes and will literally go out of his way to make sure that you’re well and okay. 

Arguments are basically nonexistent and if they occur it ain’t coming from his side. 

I also think that Pesci has a lot of empathy, so when you’re going through something, he’s right there in the thick of it with you. If you’ve seen that meme that goes ‘when my gf is on her period it’s UterUS’ lmao that’s Pesci’s energy 100%. 

Sometimes, he’s more of a lover and not a fight, that is perfectly okay!

However, if someone tries up his s/o, say farewell to Mr. Niceguy. He will defend your honor to his dying breath. And with you in his corner, trust me, he’s not going down. 

A romantic at heart, Pesci will plan little date trips like picnics in the park or boat trips to Capri, actually, I’d like to point out that he excels in the art of date planning. If you’re the adventurous type, he’ll plan outings where you both will be more active, like biking through the city or renting a mop-ed and going sight-seeing. 

Because Pesci has a sensitive stomach, he’s very much considerate of what you both put in your bodies. If you have dietary restrictions or allergies, this guy knows all about it and will cater to you perfectly. 

A true gentleman through and through, he will never force himself on you, ever. In fact, he really doesn’t like engaging in anything sexual when you’re drunk or high, sorry if you’re into that! 

Pesci is the kind of guy who keeps up with your favorite shows.

If ya’ll have similar taste in media or literature, he will immerse himself in it so that he can relate to you all the more.

If there’s anyone who will entertain anime-related discourse, no matter how nonsensical, it’s Pesci. And he isn’t just putting up with it, he’s actively engaging in the conversation so you are always heard and validated. 

He’s an A+ boyfriend, that’s all I gotta say! Haters can stay mad :)

Goddamn Illuso... idk man.

I really feel like you have to have thick/tough skin to handle this guy, for various reasons. 

The first being that Illuso can be a bit mean at first. He’ll push your buttons on purpose just to see what’ll make you tick. Will tease the living heck out of you, always, kind of a bully lmao but not to the extreme, it’s just his brand of humor—and the thing is, he won’t be mad when you dish it right back, so it’s cool. 

Secondly, Illuso has big dick energy!! 

I mean rightfully so, because he is indeed packing! But my word, he ain’t humble about it at all! 

He is not above making jokes about ‘splitting you in half’. In fact all of his jokes have hidden, dirty undertones! 

His affection is shown through speech mostly. Illuso will drop subtle innuendos and provocations, half to see you flustered and half because he wants you to know how much he wants you. 

Illuso isn’t incredibly vocal about his feelings outside of ‘I’m tryna hit that thang’ but you won’t doubt that he loves you because Illuso doesn’t waste his own time. 

If he’s spending his time with you, you can rest assured that it’s because he wants to. 

Illuso is a voyeur and you’ll just have to understand/accept that and move on. 

He loves watching you and will even creep over to your place through the mirror world just to hang or watch you do chores. Loves to surprise you and give you jump scares lmao it’ll make you a tad paranoid but it’s also fun. 

Illuso is prone to random bouts of sweetness; it’s very sporadic, very touch-and-go. 

One day, you’ll wake up to chocolates on your dresser or new shoes, lingerie, or makeup if you wear it. I imagine that if you’re low on funds, he will even help you buy your groceries that week. 

It’ll surprise the hell out of you, but that’s just how Illuso is. He enjoys keeping you on your toes! 

He’s prideful and smug as hell, so he will definitely expect a thank you, because even if he does it out of the kindness in his heart, he also wants to hear that you appreciate him

Same goes for the bedroom scene. Illuso loves making you vocal, it’s his favorite thing in the world, so he’ll make a game out of doing the things that get the biggest reaction out of you. Like I said, it's that big dick energy at work here, smh.

Sorbet and Gelato in a polyamorous relationship with you? Let’s get it! 

We don’t get anything substantial about these two except that Sorbet follows the money, so these are all personal headcanons for how I see and write them. 

Here’s the juice: when it comes to you as their s/o, these two are possessive as hell. You are theirs and that’s that on that! 😭 Don’t ask questions, just go with it.

Sorbet is the chill one of the duo. He can be a bit smug at times, but he’s mostly a laid back dude who doesn’t get bothered by much.

When it comes to you, Sorbet likes to spend quality time with you more than anything, and will ask you to cook for him at your place so he ain’t gotta spend money. Oh? Did I not mention that I kinda think of him as a cheapskate? Lmao cuz I do.

Sorbet will come by your place just to steal your coupons from the mail then head out; you’re not using ‘em so why should he let them go to waste?

Gelato is the complete opposite; personality wise, I headcanon him as a mix between Melone and Formaggio lmao

But it’s not as crazy as it sounds, he’s cute and outspoken like Melone, while maintaining a free-spirit like Formaggio. One quality that I like is that he’s quite devoted to you and Sorbet. If anyone crosses either of you, goodluck to them!

I like to think Gelato’s also just really boujee and high maintenance. He loves to pamper and be pampered. You and him tag-team Sorbet’s wallet and go on spa dates together at his expense (not that he ever really stood a chance)

While Sorbet is cool with just being in the same room as you, Gelato loves hugging/cuddling with you and Sorbet—will definitely fight for the middle spot between the two of you on the couch during movie nights.

He baby, so let him have it lol

In the bedroom, I would salute anyone with the guts to take the two of them on. They both lay down that work, period. 

Sorbet gets his kicks from teasing and edging you (his sadistic side comes out a bit), while Gelato loves when you give him extra TLC. To put it short, they know how to take care of you, so there are no issues there. 

Last but not least, Mr. Risotto Nero himself.

Man, idc on the lowest of keys, he seems a little bit like a grandpa to me

The type to sit at home and do crosswords, has a bird feeder in his yard and plays old Italian hits while washing the dishes. It’s very domestic 💀 (I find it cute, whatever!)

As a boyfriend, I can’t imagine him suddenly being spontaneous or outgoing unless you drag him out of his home/comfort zone.

Be patient with Mr. Nero, and he can come to surprise you

After a while, it won’t be just you dragging him out and about; one day he’ll ask you to come over and you’ll be greeted with a nice, traditional, homemade meal

Pay attention and you will notice him watching your face to see if you like his cooking 🥺

After seeing his fight with Doppio, I must admit that Risotto is very, very observant, almost scarily so.

I can totally picture him pointing out random things about his s/o that even they don’t know

One night, Risotto may come up to you and say “I talked to your neighbor about the dog, they’ll keep it inside now.” And you’re just staring like 😳 how did he know the barking was keeping you up at night????

He’s sweet, and will take good care of you as a boyfriend should.

Very good listener, won’t talk as much but will hang on to your every word, I promise. He could even recite it to you verbatim.

He’s a big dude, that ain’t news, so expect to be swallowed up in hugs and sometimes even picked up (as a tall girl myself, I simp!!!)

Gives A1 piggyback rides, lol

ALSO RISOTTO IS HUMBLE ASF!

Big dick energy, but on low volume 👏🏾 after all, he doesn’t need to do much talking, because a night with him is more than enough!

Listen babe, you better stretch, do some squats, and prep in whatever way you can before Mr. Nero gives you that work. 🤐

Lowkey a freak, but it’s well hidden behind his ‘quiet giant’ exterior

So, who are y'all dating? Personally, I’m going for Formaggio and Pesci hehe