#tw: evangelical crap

[peggy-sue-reads-a-book]

Paper Cranes

TW: homophobia, bullying, church abuse, swearing, assault, ED, SH, compulsive exercising, Republicans, purity culture, evangelical crap, but most of all middle school. If I’ve failed to include anything, just let me know. Fr I wrote it for me and posted it for those who might find my experience affirming. I’m all good if you need to scroll right on past a trauma post.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

The first time I ever watched homophobic bullying was in my pastor’s office. All the teens were waiting around a table for our youth pastor. There was one gay boy, a close friend of mine in a relatively small group. From the first week his family joined our church, an older girl in youth group announced to the rest of us that she couldn’t stand him because “he’s too happy and sings too much.” It was true. The new boy was the most cheerful, outgoing person I’d ever met. And he loves to sing.

The same girl gave a similar PSA behind my back when I was new. “We shouldn’t play with her because she’s weird and wears dress up clothes.” I was six. And it was true, I did wear a princess costume every day. Eventually I traded in my tutus for some looks that better reflected internalized misogyny and everyone figured out I’m funny as all shit and can get along with most anyone. I graduated from the bottom of the food chain.

So I shrugged off her hot take on my new friend. I don’t think she liked that her plans to cancel the new guy flopped. Because as we were waiting around that table she jumped up and grabbed his earlobe between her finger nails. She was super proud of her nails. They were long and scraggly like a cat and she was into filing them in public in case anyone felt too safe.

She dug her nails in on either side and no one said anything. You don’t stand up for a boy to a girl. I can’t remember if he tried to swat her off or just took it. It was only a minute but it was a damn long one. Blood started to bead around her nails. Then the door opened and she sat back down. Sunday school started.

Nothing I believed, no books, no paper, no concept of abomination could override what I’d just seen, the revulsion deep in my gut. It was more than rage. More than disgust. I still have no word for it. I was too young and the feelings that well up are still those of a thirteen year old.

It doesn’t matter what you call it. Anger like that is like walking around dead and suddenly finding your pulse because it’s roaring in your ears like a jackhammer.

I prayed to be like everyone else. To care about the same social issues in the same way. The only way I could make sense of my loneliness was that I was cursed in some way. If God loved me, he would make me content with the same values as my peers. But I had just seen someone harm someone else and not a single one of these fine, upstanding kids I’m supposed to make friends with say a damn thing.

A few years later, there was some kinda touchy-feeling Jesus shindig where everyone got real sugared up at night and had a big sing along with some college kids who were supposedly qualified to talk about the deep shit with us. If I mentioned their university you’d recognize it. Hint: assault cover ups

One guy, nineteen or so, must have gotten particularly inspired in the spirit because he starts preaching off-the-cuff about the sins of anorexia, binging, purging, and cutting. I inched backward. I tried hiding behind a football player; I was about half his width after all.

Peggy, what’s up with the bandaids?

I guess I tripped over a wall.

Hey I have a joke. How many Peggies can you fit in the shower? No one knows because—-

— I keep slipping down the drain. Heard that one.

Eat a fucking sandwich, you skinny cunt

The best part of the speech is it was addressed to us about the bad, vague other kids who barfed and otherwise screwed around. Those poor fuck-ups, insulting God’s creation by choosing to defile their bodies.

I couldn’t wait to get home and go for it, but felt a whole lot more like a compulsion than a choice.

I’ve heard this sermon twice, by the way. The second time, the pastor held up a paper crane and asked us to admire its delicacy and the skill it took to make it before shredding it up. Guess he worked hard on that metaphor.

That was me. A paper crane. Pure white, crafted precisely, folded up small. You could pinch my wings between your fingernails and pull them off. I wouldn’t bleed and you could vacuum me up. That was my power. The control in the fine lines and tight folds.

Anyway here I am squirming on my butt and waiting for my chance to burn off my two bites of pizza and Oreos. I’m pretty sure I’d made everyone laugh by scooting the cookies into my mouth from my forehead with no hands. See, everyone, I eat. Yeah, I was gonna have to get in some crunches tonight.

I wondered if I could chug enough lemon water to get diarrhea without being noticed, when somehow, we were looking at each other. The boy’s eyes were bright blue. Ice blue, like in cheesy books. Gay.

Skinny.

Leviticus. The apostle Paul.

Cutter.

It’s a powerful feeling, that two seconds of eye-contact that lets you know you aren’t crazy. That you aren’t the only one in the room who is angry. It is taking a hand to find it as wounded as yours.

Whatever is divine in this world, whatever is true and special and outside of ourselves, it is in the rage you can’t shake. If a voice is telling you that no one deserves to be treated this way, that you inherently do not deserve this, and you say shut up and shut up and shut up and it won’t

Shut up, shut up,

and your only answer is this is bullshit. You should get up and leave

Shut up

I said you are free to walk out,

I can’t,

well then I say you can. I say Truth never left you and you’re not dead.

disclaimer: I did not write this to shit on Christians (I am a Christian) or any tradition in general but the corruption that exists in specific systems

other disclaimer: the other kids in this story were literally also just kids, even the mean ones. I’m pretty sure all of them have grown into sensible adults I’d hang out with. I did not write this to shit on them either.

[oneweekoneband]

Look at these dweebs with these yellow outfits and mullety, spiky hair. How young and innocent. I think this is from March 2006, about five months after debut, so their ages range from 18-22 in this. I’m going to helpfully use it to introduce them to you! It’s a long post, but there’re a lot of members; bear with me.

1) Yesung (Kim Jonghoon). Best singer in the group, at least for the first several years. Has not been taking care of his voice, got vocal cord nodules, got them fixed, didn’t improve his technique afterward so is probably going to get them again. Known for doing his “octopus dance” whenever he is prompted to dance solo. Says that Super Junior is not actually friends, but they succeed as a group because they have good working relationships with one another. This is patently not a statement blanketly applicable to everyone else in the group.

2) Kim Ryeowook. Currently #2 best singer in the group according to your writer. Maknae, if you can still call him that, now that he’s 30. Is a tiny elfin little man who wears comically high lifts in his shoes. Tends to generally strike me as “your weird little brother,” and in defiance of his general image, has a history of performing the most “adult” solo songs in Super Junior concerts. Is possibly the least successful member of the group at looking or acting “tough” and “hard.” He is currently in the military (all South Korean men are required to complete around two years of military service at some point).

3) Kangin (Kim Youngwoon). Singer with a voice that’s consistent but not too exciting, kind of like the person you see at work every day who greets you in the exact same way each time. Probably the most successful member of the group at looking and acting “tough” and “hard”. Got in an actual bar fight in self-defense and has two DUIs. After the first one, they sent him to the military; after the second one, he’s on what seems to be perpetual hiatus. Not sure if they are ever going to let him participate again. I have mixed motherly feelings about whether he should ever be allowed to.

4) Lee Sungmin. Singer and sometime featured dancer. The cute chipmunky one who does lots of Chinese varieties of martial arts, and also the only one who is married. Despite being the most traditionally “cute” one, he’s struck me for some time as the most serious member. Some part of the fanbase is mad at him for being married, and for blatantly prioritizing himself and his fiancé/wife over ELF. Even his mom thinks he deserves it. Could he have been more sensitive about it, almost definitely, but does it merit ELF insisting that he not be allowed to participate in anything, and SJ/SM bowing their heads and acquiescing? Iiii don’t really think so. Do these things happen because SM thinks the hardcore semi-aggressive Korean fans (#notallKoreanfans) are all that remain or all that matter, and if they leave, there will be nothing left? You have lots of international fans who are much more chill, you maroons.

5) Kim Heechul. Singer and occasional rapper. Does not normally have hair this spiky. Is well known for running his mouth on TV, on all of the TV actually, and for looking like a girl. He doesn’t really do the girl bit much anymore and sanded off some of the rougher edges of his personality after coming back from the military, probably because being in the military gave him enough free time to grow up a bit. Basically went from “asshole” to “jerk with heart of gold”. Has several cats, loves Anna from Frozen, and is friends with lots of women in Kpop. Had a nasty car crash in 2006 that shattered his left leg, and it never healed quite right; dance routines are hell on it and he’s admitted that it’s caused him significant worry and shame as Super Junior prepares for their latest comeback. My second-place bias.

6) Leeteuk (Park Jeongsu). The oldest member and leader of the group; better at dancing than at singing. (tw: violent crime) Publicly struggles with depression, and this terrible thing that happened didn’t really help. Is a strong big brother who really works hard to make sure the group functions as one. Is simultaneously someone who has a tendency to say sexist crap. 

7) Eunhyuk (Lee Hyukjae). Lead dancer and lead rapper. Bestest of the best friends with Donghae. Has the gawkiest face and compensates for this by doing the sexiest dances. Was acting leader of the group while Leeteuk was in the military, which coincided with a huge argument in the fandom about Zhou Mi and Henry, and he ended up having to make a statement about it at a concert, and then later when Leeteuk was back, Eunhyuk did an angry solo song and dance in the next tour about how fake fans would never understand him. I’m sure that wasn’t related at all!

8) Shindong (Shin Donghee). Secondary dancer and rapper, and occasional SJ music video director. Does a lot of hosting on TV in his spare time and was a comedian before joining SJ. Is the “fat one” of the group, and has therefore participated in many, many embarrassing fat jokes. Not embarrassing that he’s fat, just embarrassing for whoever had the idea, that they kept putting him in those situations. His weight has seesawed around for the last several years, but he says fat girls are gross, so that pretty much makes him an ass. Don’t be an ass.

9) Kim Kibum. Rapper and maknae. Went on hiatus in 2009 to focus on his acting career, and never came back. To be honest, probably the member of SJ that I feel the least about, because even prior to 2009 he was not a super-active member of the group musically; he didn’t feature much on songs, and he wasn’t in any of the subunits. His contract expired with SM in 2015, and therefore I don’t technically count him as a Super Junior member anymore. He has a surprisingly beefy neck in some videos, and had better English skills than probably anyone else in the group while he was still active as a member.

10) Han Geng. Former lead dancer. The only non-Korean member of the original 12, he is actually trained in 56 traditional Chinese dances. His Korean speaking skills were notoriously bad, which made it awkward every time they went on variety shows. Was visibly a lot more comfortable on Chinese TV. Eventually SM worked him so hard that he developed kidney problems, so in 2009 he sued SM, broke his contract, and went back to China, where he went on to have a successful acting and performing career. If this sounds familiar, then I’ll mention that I think EXO was originally intended to be a reboot of Super Junior, which makes it ironic that they had the same issues.

11) Choi Siwon. The “face” of the group. Probably the most famous member of the group to Western audiences, as he has appeared in a Jackie Chan movie! and got killed in it! Has a lovely chiseled masculine face and is rather tall and has many abs. Does more acting than any of the other members, to the extent that he sometimes does not appear in the dance portions of music videos because he didn’t have time to learn the routine. Always tours with Super Junior though and is as committed as everyone else. Also is super-mega-evangelical Christian and says he wants to be a missionary when Super Junior retires. Recently went through this scandal regarding his dog, in which I mostly want to shake Siwon by the shoulders and yell at him a lot. Is not on hiatus per se, but is skipping promotions for the new album.

12) Lee Donghae. Singer, dancer, occasional rapper, and bestest of the best friends with Eunhyuk. Known for acting like kind of a dope, and also for looking a lot like Amber from f(x), or vice versa. Lots of people ship Eunhyuk and Donghae because they are so close, and they ended up having to adamantly refute it on Chinese TV when the presenters started teasing them. Third-place bias because look at that faaaaace.

But that is not of course everyone, because that’s only 12.

13) Cho Kyuhyun. #1 best singer and #1 best bias thank you. Joined the group in 2006, because he had already been set to “rotate in” before SM decided to scrap the rotation concept altogether. “Evil maknae” because he likes to give the older members shit. I’ve seen subtitles of Korean shows call him “pessimistic;” I think “grouchy” might be a better word for it. Was involved in a terrible car crash in 2007, along with Shindong, Leeteuk, Eunhyuk, and Heechul; Kyuhyun nearly died and his voice was only spared because his father spoke up for him. He spent most of 2015-2016 promoting his technically-great-but-also-really-corny-and-boring ballad EPs (I hate that anyone even had the idea for this concert series) and I suspect he was getting burned out much like Heechul was; Kyuhyun is in the military now and I’m optimistic that he’ll come back refreshed. I wrote a much longer thing about him, which you can read here if you’d like. Suffice it to say, I identify with him a lot.

14 & 15) Zhou Mi & Henry Lau. Listed together even though obviously they are separate people, because they are the two controversial members of the group. This is because they were added in specifically for the Super Junior-M subunit, and ever since that day there has been much dispute about whether they are “real Super Junior members” or not. I think they are; SM-via-Eunhyuk says officially they are not, and for the sake of not ranting for paragraphs, that’s all I will say. Henry is Chinese-Canadian, can play pretty much every single instrument, and complained loudly enough about SM giving him nothing to do that SM gave him four singles in five months of 2017. He’s also best friends with Amber from f(x) and they’ve appeared together on songs. Zhou Mi is Chinese, is taller than Siwon, and is a sparkly sugarbun of cuteness with a gorgeous smile. Seriously, his legs are like six feet long on their own.

Now that we’ve gotten who’s who out of the way, we can move on to what Super Junior has to offer!