#when im in my room too much its the bad times | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

wall-eye · 2 years ago

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the constant internal back and forth of "i should be drawing and not chilling in the living room" and "i should be in the living room when its open like this not drawing" is such a pain

#when im in my room too much its the bad times #when im not drawing enough its the bad times #its a delicate balance #"why dont you draw? in the living room?' my family is Nosey and my mom has taken it Personally that i dont show her my art #i just dont want her to make fun of me drawing unicorns and ponies or judge me for drawing bodies #if you arent weird about it you get to see it but if you are you dont its not that complicated

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puppppppppy · 8 months ago

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i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you

#im reading that post that says artists are directors of audience reaction and not its dictator:#'you cannot guarantee that everyone viewing your work will react as you are trying t make them react. a good artist knows that this is what #allows work to breath. by definition you cannot have art where the viewer brings nothing to the table ... this is why you have to let go of #the urge to plainly state in text exactly how you think the work should be interpreted ... its better to be misinterpreted sometimes than #to talk down to your audience. you wont even gain any control that way; people will still develop their opinions no matter what you do #im thinking abt this again cuz i was thinking maybe the thing that lets adventure time work so well the way it does is cuz it doesnt #take itself too seriously that it gives the audience enough room to fuck with subtext and then fuck with them back yknow. i think it was #mentioned somewhere that they werent even planning to run with the postapocalyptic elements that are hinted in the show but changed their #mind after the one off with the frozen businessmen and dominoed into marcy and simons backstory. on the other side there are stories that #explain too much to let the story speak for itself and i think it ends up having to do more with the crew trying to lead ppl in a certain #direction than expand on what they have and i see a lot of this with miraculous. like when interviews and tweets are used as word of god in #arguments and it becomes a little stifling to play around with it knowing the creator can just interject. u can say its the crews effort to #engage with its audience but it feels more like micromanaging. and none of this is to say there ISNT room for stories that spell things out #theyre just suited for different things. if sesame street tried abstract approaches to themes and nuance itd be counterproductive #a lot of things fly over my head so i need help picking things apart to get it- but it doesnt have to be from the story itself. ive picked #picked up or built on my own interpretations listening to other ppl share their thoughts which creates conversation around the same thing #sometimes stories will spell things out for you without being so obvious abt it that it feels like its woven into the text. my fav example #for this might be ATLA using younger characters as its main cast but instead of feeling like its dumbed down for kids to understand why war #is bad its framed from a childs point of view so younger audiences can pick up on it by relating to the characters. maybe an 8 year old #wont get how geopolitics works but at least they get 'hey the world is a little more complicated than everyone vs. fire nation'. same for #steven universe bc its like theyre trying to describe and put feelings into words that kids might not have so they have smth to start with #especially with the metaphors around relationships bc even if it looks unfamiliar as a kid now maybe the hope is for it to be smth you can #look back to. thats why it feels like these shows grew up with me.. instead of saving difficult topics for 'when im ready for it'#as if its preparing me for high school it gave me smth to turn in my hands and revisit again and again as i grow. stories that never #treated u as dumb all along. just someone who could learn and come back to it as many times as u need to. i loved SU for the longest time #but i felt guilty for enjoying it hearing the way ppl bash it. bc i was a kid and thought other ppl understood it better than me and made #feel bad for leaning into the message of paying forward kindness and not questioning why steven didnt punish the diamonds or hold them #accountable. but im rewatching it now and going oh. i still love this show and what it was trying to teach me #yapping #diary

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tumblweeds-omegaverse · 6 months ago

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random omegaverse thought:

There must be people who experience specific instinct things with indifference or boredom.

Procreative cycle coming up? "Crap, I've got plans this weekend...stupid skip weeks."

Caught an intriguing scent while walking? "But I need to get to work! Shut up brain."

Had a snap response to a distressed sound? "Who was it?! ...right, it's my day off, I can go back to sleep."

Somebody growled at them? "Kid, I'm not a rival, that's my sibling."

Super cozy cuddle session happening nearby? "I'm gonna pass tonight guys, no social battery left, maybe next time."

Group of friends heading out to flirt and check out other singles? "I'm coming with you but only to make sure you all get home safe."

Setting where fated mates or soul bonds or permanent marks are a thing? "Meh. I don't really want one or care if I ever get one."

People in the actual omegaverse would get as bored of their stuff, as we do of ours, you know? It could be interesting to see that kind of vibe in fics. Biological demands faced with all the excitement of paying bills or doing laundry or tying your shoes.

Even if that kind of energy might not drive a plot, it could be interesting to have as a contrast to the people who do have big feelings about them - good or bad.

There's the friends who can't wait til they have a pack of their own, and the one friend who isn't against it but couldn't care less. There's the group in the office who are all about scent compatibility tests and figuring out one's best match and what sprays most highlight it, and the coworker who has no intentions on putting that much effort in. There are parents who hover and protect their offspring by scenting them multiple times a day, and others who don't see what the fuss is as long as it's done in the morning.

...also: packs with introverts who show care by giving each other space. So often, closeness is depicted through physical touch and tactile affection, but comfortable silence is meaningful too. Knowing people are near, but not having to interact until you're ready. Sitting in the same room doing different things, knowing that all it takes is a "hey, look at this" to share what you're up to. People understanding and accepting each other's differing or fluctuating needs for how and when to recharge. Seeing somebody reaching out or sharing space, beyond what's their norm, as a signal of the fact that they care.

#omegaverse worldbuilding #a/b/o worldbuilding #a/b/o dynamics #kinda #not gonna tag sfw though it mostly is #heat/rut mention #twovvie chatters #hi its me im introverts #a version of me in omegaverse would love to live in a pack house #as long as i could have a space to myself #people nearby? good! people around all the time? uhhhh #even my family knows that after so many hours of fun family party #i'm gonna disappear to whatever room has the fewest people in it #or find a random corner and start reading #“oh! i didnt know you were here” yes that was the plan #also i just find the idea of someone #who couldnt care less about pairing up #to be funniest in a setting where that's a big deal #“too bad you havent found a mate yet” “no i already know who it is”#“congrats! when do we meet them?” “oh i didnt mean that i'm going to date them. i just know who it is.”#“but i thought you were single?” “yup.” “don't you want a mate?” “nah too annoying.”#cycle day? nice i get a free day off work #cycle day? ugh not this again #the duality of man (a/b/o edition)#granted i hc heats/ruts as heightened libido and greater fertility #because i dislike elements of heats/ruts that (imo) mess with people's ability to freely consent #if the only non-sexual options are pain or solitude and the species needs compaionship as much or more as regular humans #then not being able to or being unwilling to is like a punishment for those people #sure stress or other needs can short circuit it (irl) but theres plenty of reasons to not be interested that arent “you have a problem”#surely i'm not the only person who reacts to various body requests with ��later i'm busy” right?

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shokupanda · 7 months ago

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me when time moves forward at a steady pace: how the fuck is it more than halfway through july already. this fuckers rapidly sprinting when im not looking huh

#i have so many things i need to do #before the semester starts again this fall #i need to work on comms. i need to work on a project due the end of the month. i want to do artfight. i want to make art for myself. i want #to do art studies. i want to start an alt drawing more suggestive stuff. i mean what who said that mustve been the wind #and thats just the things related to drawing.#i need to organize my room. i need to learn [redacted]. i want to cook more. i want to socialize more. i want to play games. i want to-#watch and read and listen to so many things #yet i have a finite amount of time to do everything #and half of a day is consumed by me just snoozing #and when i do work on something i feel like im Not Efficient Enough.#i cant just chill in vcs i need to be productive and draw too. and if i dont make significant progress then I Have Failed.#i cant just watch New Season of Show. thats Time Focused on One Singular Activity. gotta do multiple things at once or ill feel bad after #because i know that once the semester starts back up then im gonna be 90% less online #back to the depths of graphic design hell making infographics and powerpoints and brand identities #not having the time to draw anything furry or for myself for several months #anywho its 5am #i should go to sleep #sorry for the ramble im just. only now realizing how little time i have #when i wake up i have to really lock in on drawing and stuff #ive wasted so much time playing a game this past week #if i hadnt played it idve made so much more progress by now and im kicking myself so bad mentally now that im like mostly done w the game #gahhh #anywho yeah sorry for the ramble ill post more soon #sho.scramblin

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skunkes · 4 months ago

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not an ask, but I saw ur post and relate a lot to it.

anticipatory grief sucks. people will tell you not to think about it, not to let it steal from today, but some days are just so hard. sometimes it feels unavoidable, like it’s some goliath mountain in the distance or even the sky and you can’t not look at it. it’s like you have to keep trying to distract yourself not to think about it, and it’s exhausting, and you’re so fucking scared of the inevitable.

like how does anyone even function? the idea of the world continuing to spin when there’s this terrible, horrible thing that will happen some day is unfathomable but it does, and it’s horrible. Some day will mark the before and the after. nobody can ever be ready for it.

I hope the love you have keeps you strong. wishing you the best.

this is literally it. i know thinking about it Now wont make the actual day it happens any easier. but it's impossible to not think about it, especially since there's no tangible way to preserve memories or feelings or the like forever. i cry easily and get emotional over most anything and everything, which is another layer of difficulty wrt it because I spiral. I want to squeeze out of my body. im not meant for any of it

#skunk mail #Anonymous #ill be in a car with my dad fighting tears thinking about how ill miss it one day and there's no way for my brain to capture the moment and #make a simulation of it. and even then that wouldnt help. ykwim #sometimes i sit in my parents room while my parents and brother are there and i cant stop thinking about when ill see them for the last tim #and how i wish i could full really truly wring every last drop of ''appreciation'' from the moment.#i think about that time isnt linear thing. how everything that has happened or will happen exists on its own #and i think about the cheye experiencing the After tragedy. and i cant handle it. not now or then. i envy the past cheye #even the one of 5 seconds ago. because that was 5 seconds ive lost. 5 seconds closer to events that will #separate my life into Before and After. over and over again #(like you said anon. i think abt that all the time too)#i think this is also why im struggling with the thought of moving out #we all have so little time. dont even get me started on the fear and grief i feel for my own life #not only fearing dying but fearing the lead up where ive lost and cried over much. just me. alone.#ill never see them again. it will never be today again. we'll never be in my parents room like today again. i cant take it.#even if i spend every last second with everybody i still wont be able to take it. i cant believe it #human beings that were all somebody's baby once. tomorrow it will be like they were never here at all. all their memories #go with them. it hurts so bad. i cant take it #i cant even breathe rn ruminating abt it *peace sign emoji*

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icewindandboringhorror · 3 months ago

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"We can get through this by working together, reach out to your friends, community is all we have, a social network will be your security in the world, now is the time to lean on others!"

I do agree, and it's scientifically sound (pretty sure there is data about how people with better social networks live longer and etc) but also....augh..... what about the severe social issues, difficulty to leave the house, physical issues which lead to like zero socialization energy a majority of the time, etc. etc. Social support can be a replacement for structural support, but.. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be. Community is extremely difficult to build, even moreso if you're someone who has issues with social cues or group conversations or even just being around others in the first place. And blah, nuance, of course I'm just complaining or maybe being too negative or maybe misunderstanding, but, I hardly have the energy to brush my hair once every 2 months.. how am I supposed to maintain a wide social network and be active in a Community and Join Groups lol... sometimes it kind of feels like "er.. well if thats my only option then...... ruh roh". It's overwhelming

#Kind of like some post I saw a long time ago talking about how even the meanest shittiest most difficult to get along with #elderly people or whaever still deserve to have some sort of systems in place to support them so they're not just relying on the #grace of relatives or etc. who may not be able to deal with them. Not saying that I'm like mean and cruel or anything #but the fact of the matter is in most social situations either I am compromising or the other person is. Not in like an ~`ouuu im so weirdd #nobody willever understand my quirky swagg hee heee~' way but like a.. Just factually the things that make me happy and comfortable #are often incompatible with people. The way I communicate and process things is different from the way other people do and that #is always a barrier. I cannot have ''easy''' interactions. Even with 'understanding' people there is nearly always a significant #amount of effort. You can't walk into a group of people and then be like ''okay you guys all have to wear #masks and you also cant play music too loud and also we should communicate turns of speaking very clearly so group conversations #arent too stressful. and also i need this and that and we have to do this and that and '' etc. etc. You CAN. And some people will #go along with that. but they will ALWAYS secretly resent you for it. You will be the one person they're relieved to not have to be around.#theyre glad when you dont show up since they can go back to doing things however they want and not masking and all these boring #annoying things. OR you can say none of that and just deal with the loud music and the talking and the unmasked people. but then #YOU'RE compromising. and no matter how nice they are it's exhausting to be around and youre just further alienated #while in the presence of people and uncofmrtoabel the whole time.#Which I'm not saying the only form of community is a group setting specificially but just giving that as an example lol #I just wish there were a better option than ''well learn to socialize normally or just suffer then'' . Which I know is not what people are #saying. I guess I just always feel a bit scared when 'community is the answer'. Since its not like 'oh im just socially anxious and need to #get out of my shell~!' or something thats really that remedy-able. It's like.. my mostly unchangeable physical health issues combined #with the mostly unchangable literal way that my brain processes sensory informationand other things means that interacting with #others in a normal and easy way is incredibly difficult and often exhausting especially to maintain in any longform fashion. So then #when it's like ''the answer to staying safe is to maintain longform social connections!! :3 just reach out!!'' then.. ermm... O_O #also I'm not even one of the cutesy shy emotional hermits that's nervous. I'm the Bad Stereotype emotionless robotic cold seeming #looms in the corner of the room type of thing so people have less pity on you in that way. -_- ANYWAY gghj #I need like.. a designated social representative or something.. When I did work in that bookshop forever ago they gave me a #person who basically was just with me to help communicate with others on my behalf and supervise me and stuff. I need that.. Some #more extraverted person I can latch onto and they can maintain the Social Support Network for me and I can just be their +1 to all #of the Social Things and community. I have helpful skills I can contribute to other people and stuff it's just like.. I cant socialize lol #I cook food or something for you.. then you keep me in contact with Community.. a deal. (but then what about when I'm too sick to #contribute? as is often the case. there's not much place for people like me in communities sometimes i fear.. sigh.) ***

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opikiquu · 10 months ago

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im going to be so annoying all week

#agghagahah HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HYYESAAHHHH #★ arin rambles #BRO BRO PLEASLE #PELASE #my apology for everyone. I have to make it now . Sorry. If youre following me destroy that notif button you dont wanna hear how worse i will #get #actually no just Unfollow entirely #ITS THE ADHD #PLEASE. HE IS SO . COOL. his trailer is so awesome IVE REWATECHED IT 3 TIME SNOW.#I LOVE HIMMMMMMM SO MUCHHHHH #I LOVE HIM SO BAD I JUST ADORE HIM PLEASE #HES SO PRETTY. JAW DROPPING. ICONIC. LIFE CHANGING. THE TEARS IN MY EYES. GENUINELY SOBBING RITHT NOW IT S SO OVER #aventurine likers hold me. Nobody understands. Everyone is scared of me im too crazy #actually its everything wrong with me . Hes ruining my life #i dont struggle as an aventurine liker i actually excel at this its my full rime job now #‘9 to 5’ no i work 9 to 9. Every hour is dedicated to him #im glad uguys agree with me thannk uou i was starting to think i was a freak #Well i am but im glad someone else agrees hes cool #Hes so pretty im so happy #I CAMT WAIT RILL WENDENSDAY PLEASE IM GONNA FREAKIFN BLOW UP #I LOVE AVENTURINE. I LOVE AVETURINE.#i get so happy when i see him i get a little violent its unsettling .#like im like shaking my hands and jumping around my room and then u blink and im bashing my head against the floor #its carpet. Im ok. But like not but i am #DUDE. I LOVE. THIS GUY. EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM #i needto. Just. Okay brb gonna watch ir like 20 more times ill see u guys next year im going into a Aventurine induced coma #this makes me realize people read my tags. Oh dear. Sorry everypony #i apologize for my behavior. I will get so much scarier.#HES SO COOL. HES ACTYALLU SO COOL. LIKE HOW CAN SOMEBODY BE SO COOL.#oh god OH LORERDRDRDDDDDDD WHEN I GET YOU BOY WHEN I FIND YOU. WATCH OUT. WATCH OUT I WILL GET YOU.

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feline-evil · 1 year ago

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Dethvanity is really funny to me conceptually as an episode because you can see how little they had to make the characters insecure about for the bit. They swing for obvious lowblow choices with Pickle' baldness and Nathan's weight and even those require some suspension of disbelief because ok. Sure. Nathan '(said extremely proudly) never skipped a meal in my life!' Explosion is insecure about being a big man now. Nathan *guy who everyone thinks is smoking hot 99% of the time* Explosion is a tiny bit larger than usual and is insecure about it now. Lol. Lmao even.

But anyway then we hit Skwisgaar and Toki and there's like NOTHING to swing for, you can see them going uhhh ok Skwis doesn't sleep he probably drinks a lot of coffee, and Toki? Shit, what does Toki have to be insecure about with his looks. He's perfect, he's adorable, he's ripped. Um. FUCK IT, HE'S DOING NOTHING BUT EATING LEMONS. WE GOT NOTHING, WE GOT NOTHING, JUST GIVE THE BOY CITRUS FRUITS.

WOE 🍋 BE UPON YE

I'm sure i could make some smarter points about the attempts at applying vanity in this ep and how outside of this and a few other moments i do actually like that the show rarely takes pot shots at things like Nathan's weight, but you see Nathan has shirtless scenes in this one and so my intelligence is impeded when all the blood rushes out of my head and into my-

#metalocalypse #jay talkin #I LOVE TOKI'S LEMON EATING CHALLENGE HES ON IN THIS EP. BABY YR STRANGE AND PECULIAR #pickles being insecure abt balding is funny too. my man has chosen a hairstyle that is actively making that worse for himself #buddy if u didnt have whiteguy dreads impromise yr hair wld be healthier. but we love u for yr octopus swag anyway <3 #also hi nathan dont listen to the tv listen to me you look great. hi hello. im unsheathing my sword to cut down anyone who makes u feel bad #EVERYBODY IN UNIVERSE IS A COWARD. ITS BIG BOY SEASON. COME GET U ONE #dethvanity isnt in my list of favs i think most its humour is rlly easy lowballs but i find it funny for reasons outside of that #which is namely the show trying to make charavters insecure abt things when they absolutely are not any other time lmao #trying to find things to make skwis and toki insecure abt but theres NOTHING. ITS RLLY FUNNY #listen. putting my hand on everyones shoulder. lets not ignore the elephant in the room this show is uh #OFTEN VERY FATPHOBIC. so its no bastion of rep just cuz it doesnt take all the pot shots it cld at nathans body #it still does take some and theres plently of fatphobia outside of nathans character #but i do like that nathan is a bigger guy and outside of a few eps thats just treated as smth fine! its not remarked on outside of those!#and i think his body is drawn really well and i like that hes permitted to be sexy and to be like. seen with his body out just as much #as like anyone else in the band. like yeah duh nathan explosion is sexy in universe ppl are rocking with this. AS THEY SHOULD BE #idk like i say. not denying the show its fatphobia just saying i like how nathan is treated and portrayed a lot of the time :]

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itz-pandora · 3 months ago

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Huh. If my life was a quote, it'd be "one of those sad ones with a deceptively happy tune"

#quote from MLP:FIW #sorryyyy been kinda angry about my step family all day #sorry but im so tired of my Stepmom acting like she raised decent kids #my step brother is like 25 and living in my dads home. hes unironically an andrew tate fan and treats his very disabled girlfriend like shit #step sister always got compred to my sister who's the same age and put step sis in the light every time EVEN THO MY SIS WAS LITERALLY BETTER #<- like grades n shit #also both step sibs are gross. never cleans up ever. step brother and his gf are banned from the basement #step bro went to juvy when he was 16 and step sis had a trial last year and almost went to jail #also step sis has mono and would rather die than cover her mouth #i feel bad for SB's girlfriend because she has no other support system and sometimes it feels like SB or SS is trying to kill her?????#my dad threatened to kick out the adults if the house is dirty (adults being SB. SBG. SS. My sister. Aunt.)#My sister does SO MUCH HOUSEWORK and nobody cares and im mad #also bullshit rules recently have made my potential eating disorder worse #i don't think its healthy to rather starve than wash a dish but i actually have cried several times over this #not to mention how much i accidentally starve myself #also our food has been less and less because I don't know what I'm allowed to eat anymore because of my step family #also i have to share the smallest room with my sister. its okay tho ilh and i wouldn't want to get rid of her #sometimes it feels like my stepmom doesn't like me or my sisters because we're “weird”. childish interests and artistic #she lectured me about having missing assignments and I started crying #i said i just forgot to turn in some before the deadline and she called me lazy #<- Oops! so close. its actually THE MENTAL ILLNESS #my sisters and i feel like shit #i feel like my safe space is with my oldest sister.#and you all too! i love you guys #i just feel trapped. trapped by my step family. trapped by my own mind.#i was just starting to feel free from the burden of school and she just made me feel more stressed.#i didn't want to study because she killed the little motivation I had #Spanish exam is now “Fuck it we ball”#sorry for the personal post

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moomeecore · 6 months ago

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on that subject, obsessed with today when i was like "hey guys, can you two stop playing the jumping game for now because it's giving caden a headache" and my 6 yr old cousin is like "you mean 'me'. it's giving 'me' a headache, because your caden". it's like yeah man ur right. my bad . and then they stopped jumping. it was awesome

#the thing is like. the jumping hurt my headright away #but i let them do it for a while before they told them to stop. and then they did #and i think thats part of it too. for somw things you have to wait and let kids have whay they want for a while before swooping in and #asking for them to stop #so they dont feel super controlled #and like. as an autistic person I HAVE TO DO THAT ANYWAY USUALLY #there's so many adult people out there who i have to put up witj their noises because i KNOW if i ask for them to stop theyll get mad #or even on a lesser extent. like as an autistic person w my sorta issues. you have to a let a lot of things go that are genuenly painful #and stressful. bc if u ask people to do things too much they often get upset. even if theyre overall nice #same with kids #but with kids you get to ask them to stop way more and you get to ask earlier than you would with most adults #like. ill be trying to put up with somethinf and struggling and get to the ppont where im visibly shaking and stuttering and on the verge #of tears #and the mere request of 'could you turn the tv ofd #still gets whole ass adults telling me im entitled and bossy #meanwhile child will hear 'thats making me feel bad' and theyll hear that and theyll think about it #and often times theyll stop #and even when they dont they dont insult you!#and people still say little kids are annoying????#when i tell a little kid 'could you turn the sound off on the video game or take it to another room the sounds its making are upsetting me #they LISTEN.#adults have a strong tendency to #use the ironicallt imature logic of ' i like this thing. so it dosent matter if it is upsetting you. i like it so i want to have it. even #though we are in a shared space together. i wont change what im doing because i want to do the thing i like. and thats more important than #not upsetting you. because doing the thing i like makes ME feel good.'#like. litterallt this mindset is easily more promient in adults than small children 100% . on god #and its just about the most childish thing ever.#its understandable. but its immature #and with something this simple its silly people cant let that go. its not complex at all. its stop making noise it is hurting me. easy

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opens-up-4-nobody · 10 months ago

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...

#sorry im thinking abt death again #because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died #that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from #time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed #i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she #died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way #my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today #for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days #and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt #future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her #last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that #and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving.#sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless #others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club #i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her #stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i #dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my #family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters #probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno.#i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity.#again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a #full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length #unrelated

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penisbilt · 9 months ago

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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now

#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL #really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us #ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great #extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore #the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog #its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow #i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating #i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one #i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it #theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget #anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by #there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad #cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now #maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that #im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away #ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free #i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20 #i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her #but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more #maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know #because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before #i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years #i dunno. i dont know #anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process #the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months #the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time #when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move #just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend

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skrunksthatwunk · 8 months ago

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eughhh i feel dumb

#one of my best friends is coming over and ive been ghosting them (like pretty much everyone) for a couple months #and i think im reading into it too much but it seems like shes upset with me? idkk but i don't wanna ask bc if she IS mad at me that means #we have to talk about it and im Not in the right state for that atm #she has every right to be upset just like everyone else but i really dont want her to be #both bc i love her and them and i don't want to hurt them and bc i honestly don't wanna have to answer for it #'yeah every time smth even remotely resembling obligation comes up my skin feels like it's gonna peel away from its body and scuttle away'#like. i should not be terrified of it but it's like my tendons are splitting and i can't close my fist around anything #it all just slips through my fingers. but i still feel like it's my fault #selfishly i just wish they wouldn't ever bring it up. me taking forever to respond and stuff #i don't really like being teased about it but i can't just hurt them and then ask them not to bring it up yk #even if i don't super feel in control of the whole responding and socializing and functioning thing #i am. really really burnt out i think #but i don't wanna make my friends feel guilty for wanting to be around me bc 1) thats normal 2) thats an honor 3) theyre not doing anything #wrong by like. texting me. it's not their fault it feels so bad #especially since im not telling them bc that is itself an obligation #every reminder of something i have to do has felt physically painful more and more #everything from doing dishes to answering texts to cleaning my room to reading a book my dad likes #every day there's a dozen reminders of how im letting the people i love down and it looks to them like i just don't care enough #and in reality my friends are and have always been understanding. i know that. im just getting really in my head about it rn #it's been building a lot this past year. i thought i was getting better but im just.. really stuck rn #ughh i wish i could cancel. and i hate that bc i miss her and i know she's gotta miss me too but we have to talk about the foster turtle #so i cant back out now. aughhhh it's so dumb i feel so helpless and useless every time i think about anything but what's right in front of #me. ive been running from everything much more consciously lately and it's fucking embarrassing and stupid and basically im just feeling.#really really lame. shitty ass body and shitty ass brain and i don't think anyone really believes me when i blame them and not me #i just have to trust in the goodness of my friends more than the badness of myself for hurting them. two titans clashing #ughh anyway. whatever #i wanna talk to one person in particular bc they don't really make me feel that obligation as much but then im like if i respond to them i #have to respond to everyone else. it's dumb. ugh if you read this acm im thinking of you sorry my brain is being difficult <3

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rosykims · 1 year ago

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ive played dao like 9 times at this point and still. and STILL the isolde/connor decision has me tearing my hair out gnawing my keyboard stomping around the house ready to lie down and never get up

#tay plays dao #in saying all that: i had an epiphany and im now at peace with elspeth killing this kid :) JKFJGKFG #I HATEEEEE IT I HATE THIS CHOUICE. AND YET. AND YETTTT #oc: elspeth #sigh. the things we do for rp........#so my reasoning is : she's the most moral/lawful/goody-good character you can find and lawful good in the truest sense of the term #so blood magic just isnt an option for her #also she does lothering > circle > redcliffe so she's seen what blood magic is capable of and its way too fresh in her mind #and as a noble with literally zero experience or understanding of magic... what shes seen of blood magic is SO bad she isnt abt to risk it #(i also dismiss the circle mages option outright because she wont risk redcliffe and the castle all dying while shes out wasting time)#but still its like... when she walks into that room prior to making the Choice she's so ADAMANT that she wont be killing a child #and upon leaving she still feels that way. again she doesnt rly know that much about demons so shes still like ok maybe i can just #incapacitate him?? reason with him??#bc thats what would happen to a hero in a story. they would find a way. there would be a happy ending. and she believes in happy endings #and she rly does see herself as the hero lol.#and then it doesnt happen and shes forced to make the choice and it absolutely destroys her sense of self. bc heroes dont DO that #and the story wasnt supposed to turn out this way !!!!!! and realizing this isnt some story and shes actually going to have to do #Horrific things. its a turning point for her #also a turning point for alistair and her relationship w him. bc he'd also put her on a pedastal this whole time #and now hes like. oh. all that honor and bravado is just something youre making up as you go huh #and then they have to get to know each other as flawed complicated people. not just.... ideals that they created of each other???#WHEW. THIS IS LONG. SORRY.#DRAGON AGE SEASON BABEY LETS FUCKING GO LOL

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coern · 7 months ago

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i have been trying to fall asleep for almost an entire gayass hour

#my parents closed and locked their door tonight so our dog is whining and crying outside of it to be let in to sleep #and my room is right next to it #so shes like right outside my door whimpering and pawing at the floor and whining #and its making me feel really really really bad #i tried knocking on their door but they didnt answer :( i think my dad is asleep and my moms showering though #i wont be able to fall asleep until our poor dog stops. so #i tried inviting her onto my bed but its too small for her and my sisters cat is here #reminds me of thjs time when i was rly little and i would go n sleep in my parents bed all the time when i couldnt sleep #in yhe middle of the night #but they were kinda sick of it so this one time they locked their door but i was too young to like #understand the concept that other doors besides like our front door could be locked #so i like. sat their for like half an hour trying to open this locked door...like this tiny si #-x year old child in the middle of the night tryina open this locked door & sniffling & crying. lmao #whjch might b why our dog crying n sniffling outside their door bothers me so much lol #anyway it is almost twelve in the fucking moening and i tried to go to sleep around 10:30. im so tiredd.....

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arielluva · 7 months ago

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grief is such a weird emotion bc i can be fine most of the time even if it think about it, but then sometimes thinking about it digs it up all over again

#in regards both to my cat and my grandma though i was mostly thinking about my grandma when i wrote this #i was fine the next day after she died bc like. it was expected. she was in hospice for several months #and a nurse had been staying with her 24/7 for the last 2 days. the nurse told us it probably wouldnt be long on the last day.#we knew it was coming so i didnt feel too bad right after it happened. it was only when the mortician showed up that it sunk in #but the next day i was fine. if she got brought up in conversation id get a bit sad but i was mostly fine after that day #and its been. like. a little more than 3 months since then #i havent been thinking about it much but idk. sometimes it just pops into your head and you get reminded that she isnt here anymore #sometimes i still feel like shes still there when i walk into that room. it still partially smells the same #i turn on the light and feel like im somewhere im not supposed to be until i realize that we cleared out her stuff months ato #you wouldnt know that someone was bedridden and in hospice in there just from looking at it #but sometimes i just get that mental image of her being in there. or when she was in a nursing facility for a time and mostly normal #when we thought she was just almost septic and not nearing the end #the stupid doorbell we had her ring when she needed something that made us all jump whenever we heard a similar sound #the fact that the last blanket she ever started crocheting is still in that room and never finished #her rocking chair that has been sitting empty for probably over a year now #the haunted lamp in what used to be her bedroom pre-hospice that keeps turning on #the fact that her cars no longer in the driveway #idk. thinking about it doesnt like. actively make me cry or anything. but it is like. a lurking feeling #like ive been aware and fine with the fact that shes gone. and has been gone #but sometimes i really... remember that shes gone #i still forget that its like. a permanent thing and that shes not just in the hospital again #i wouldnt say i feel too much grief about her dying. i feel more about my cat that died 8 years ago.#but it is a weird feeling to recognize. maybe i only felt sadder about my cat bc (to me) it was unexpected #idk.

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