#when i found out i was ace i cried myself to sleep ;)
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cepheusgalaxy · 7 months ago
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just know you are apreciateddd if you don't vibe with love <2222
ITS OKAY to not feel so great abt yourself when you find out you're a part of the lgbtqia+ community!! you've most likely been told your whole life that cishet is the only correct way of being a human, so take your time with fully accepting yourself!!! just know you are loveddddddd even when you don't love yourself atm <3333
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sunchaserwings · 1 year ago
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Incoming rant about The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, Herlock Sholmes from The Great Ace Attorney, and the BBC Sherlock (no major spoilers ahead I promise).
A preface before I begin; I was never a big fan of Sherlock Holmes or any adaptation of the stories. I've seen Elementary although I was very young so I only have the vaguest of memories of enjoying it, and my roommate had me watch a couple BBC Sherlock episodes when I was a tween/young teen. My mother claims she tried to get me into Sherlock Holmes but I'm rather skeptical. Anyhow, onto the story.
Back in March my boyfriend bought me the Ace Attorney games for my birthday which included the Great Ace Attorney Chronicles (or Dai Gyakuten Saiban for those who are still stuck on the pre-localization names ;p). I was on my flight home from my birthday trip after I got the news my manager fired my brother while I was out of the state and figured why not, I'd start playing the first TGAA game on the flight. I'd probably enjoy myself and I couldn't sleep.
Second biggest mistake of the year (first biggest was trusting Les Schwab to do my brake job). I. Was. Hooked. I played the first case and fell in love with Kazuma instantly (he's so Zero shaped!). I played the second case and realized that calling him Zero shaped was way too accurate. We all know what happened there. Most important to this rant, I met Herlock Sholmes (more on my opinions on him later). I could barely put the game down but I had to take a break due to finding a new job and getting adjusted. I ended up finishing the game in June or July, one of the two. I finished the final case of the first game in one long 12 hour gaming session it was that good (my back didn't thank me though).
Now, the man of the hour: Herlock Sholmes. I didn't think much of him initially. He was simultaneously charming and annoying in the second case but as I played more he grew on me. I cried when the start of 1-5 happened. He clawed his way up into like the top 7 favorite characters at the time. The ending of the game with him playing his violin made me bawl my eyes out. I. Loved. This. Game.
It took a few more months to start and finish the second game. In between Adventures and Resolve I played Skyward Sword, Minish Cap, and some others so I had a healthy break. I came back to play Resolve and finished it like two months ago. It hit me in the gut just as hard as the first game did although there are a great many things I'd tweak and do differently. But Herlock Sholmes... man, he's not my favorite but he's up there underneath Kazuma and Van Zieks.
Anyhow, I finished the game but the hyperfixation had started and would not let me go. I've never been one to go out and seek fanfiction due to... personal stuff but I had a feeling I didn't want to go probe the depths of AO3 yet for fear of crying. I started a graveyard shift at my job which severely limited my ability to talk with people about stuff and also there's so many major spoilers but very few people I knew had played the game. A thought occurred to me, however. What about Sherlock Holmes audiobooks? I have an auditory processing issue which has made listening to audiobooks hard but I decided to give it a go. Perhaps it would satiate the TGAA hyperfixation hunger.
I found the ones produced by Magpie Audio, expertly narrated by Greg Wagland. Go check him out, he has over 77 videos of Sherlock Holmes audiobook recordings and all of them are a minimum of 40 minutes, often times far more. I went through over 30 hours of audiobook in a few weeks listening to these. Sherlock Holmes is such a good character and I can understand how and why he took late Victorian England by storm. And you know what the best part is?
Herlock Sholmes is the most faithful adaptation I have personally seen as a character of the original Sherlock Holmes.
They got so many of Sherlock's little idiosyncrasies right and you can tell the entire team were genuine fans of the books. I listened to Mr. Wagland's narration *and I saw 221B Baker of the games*. Especially the jack knife impaling the communications to the mantle being referenced in the game? The sheer mess of the flat? It's so good!
My roommate (whom is also a Sherlock Holmes fan) noticed my newest hyper fixation that spawned off of TGAA and that reignited his Sherlock Holmes obsession. He was a fan of the BBC Sherlock and now recognizes it was not a very great show but it's a comfort media for him nonetheless. He just dragged me into rewatching it and... okay, it's playing into a lot of inaccurate Sherlock tropes I don't like but goddamn Martin Freeman carries the whole show. I love his John Watson because it feels like a reasonable version of a modern, younger Watson. He feels real in a way. I do like the fact that even in the first episode, it's established that John and Sherlock can make each other laugh and smile just like in the books. I don't forgive them calling Sherlock a sociopath, however (speaking as someone with a brother that has been diagnosed with being a high-fuctioning sociopath). He's AuDHD to the max and deserves recognition in that department.
All of this to say, I can trace my current Sherlock hyperfixation back to Mega Man. Finding Mega Man in 4th grade led to watching the Ace Attorney anime in late 2021 which led to playing The Great Ace Attorney and that led to listening to Sherlock Holmes. I don't know why I decided to make this post but maybe I might start live blogging this shit? All in all, this is going to be a wild ride.
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sanyu-thewitch05 · 2 years ago
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Sandy Skies Ahead
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Wonderland
The Savannah
Completely Under Your Love
What’s Real and What’s Not
Coffin Azul hasn't let go of me since I agreed to be his girlfriend. The only time I get to be by myself is when I shower or change in or out of clothes. He stays by my side if I don't remind him to go away enough or starts to go back into his habits of force-feeding me. It's like he's my shadow within a person.
"Yuu, what's wrong?" Ace asks, breaking my train of thought.
"Nothing, I'm just tired, that's all," I respond, eating my breakfast. "I think Crowley is calling me."
"Ok, I'll see you later," Ace solemnly says, trying to be happy.
I walk into the Mirror Chamber and find Crowley in there.
"What's the problem?" I ask as Crowley fidgets around with the smaller mirrors.
"It seems that something is wrong with the mirror. I can't send you in there until it's fixed," Crowley responds, swiping the mirror again. "By the way, Jamil and Kalim wanted to see you about something."
"Ah, ok. I'll be getting on then."
I walk to the Hall of Mirrors and enter Scarabia's dorm mirror. Orange sparkles surround me, and I wake up in a nice bed with red silks.
"Where are we- Gr-oh my fucking God, you're a tiger!" I yell, sitting up and noticing Grim's large orange and black body.
"NYAH! I AM HUGE!" Grim yells, roaring as he gets up on the bed.
"We're in the mirror's stories, aren't we?" I ask, noticing me wearing the red outfit that Jasmine wears. "Which, if I'm correct, means that Jamil is about to take over and kill Kalim!"
"My princess, your brother has requested you," Jamil says, opening the door. "May I add that you look lovely today."
"Thank you, Jafar," I reply, getting up and nodding at Jamil. "By the way, how old are you?"
"I'm 17, my lady. The stress sometimes adds age onto my face-God do I wish your brother was dead!" Jamil snaps, making me stare in shock. "Sorry, princess."
"Have you ever tried telling him how you feel? There's no point hating him if he doesn't even know what he did wrong. Besides, you know Kalim is happy-go-lucky and clueless he couldn't tell a woman is pregnant unless he saw her giving birth," I say, petting Grim before stepping out the door. "You should come with me."
I grab Jamil's hand and make him follow me to Kalim's room. My brother turns around and shows me a tray of chocolate chip cookies that are warm.
"Tadah! I wanted to surprise you both for all the hard work you do for me!" Kalim exclaims, hugging Jamil and me. "Thank you for telling me how you felt, Jamil! I promise you won't live in my shadow ever again!"
Jamil cries as he eats Kalim's cookie, and suddenly everything fades into white. I wake up on the ground with Jamil kissing me on the lips. I knee him in the crotch, making him yowl.
"Jamil, what the hell?!" I scream, sitting up with Grim on my chest.
"Ah! Damn, your knees are hard!" Jamil groans, holding his crotch.
"Jamil was trying to perform CPR on you. We found you on the ground when we walked into the common room!" Kalim explains, running to Jamil.
"Why would you perform CPR on a person whose heart is still beating?!" I ask, putting Grim in my arms.
"I told you CPR wasn't supposed to be used on passed-out people!" Jamil yells toward Kalim.
"It worked in Sleeping Beauty and Snow White!" Kalim rebuttals, getting huffy about it.
"Number one, those are fairytales! Number two, it was the kiss that broke their curses, not CP-fucking R!" Jamil shouts, standing up and limping onto the couch. "Damn, are you one stupid bitch!"
"Well...you're a snake bastard!" Kalim yells back.
"Never denied it, sweetie!" Jamil yells in return.
"Alright, enough! What did you two invite me here for?!" I shout, making them stop fighting.
"We wanted you to taste our cooking. Jamil has a new cookie recipe he wants you to taste, and Kalim wants you to taste the ice cream someone sent him," Azul explains, coming out of a shadowy corner.
"Ah, I see you've decided to get up in shady business again," I comment, looking at the now-normal Azul.
"Oh, quite the contrary. I'm only here for your services. You see I need your period blood for a potion I'm trying to make. I give you menstruation products and the best remedies for anything menstruation-related, and you give me your blood. Is that a deal?" Azul explains, pulling out a golden sheet of paper with clauses about our deal.
"Azul, no! Furthermore, this is a creepy new low for you! I'm not giving you my period blood anytime soon! Besides, you have to wait till next month to get it!" I reply, becoming annoyed by the chaos going on.
"SO, what you're telling me is that you've recently had your period and that there are remains of it in the trash?"
"No! And if I see you rummaging around in my trash like a raccoon, I'll turn you into takoyaki!"
Azul smirks and runs away, leaving me to sigh on the ground.
"I'll be back to taste your cooking later. I'm going to make sure that octopus bastard isn't in my trash," I say, waving goodbye to Jamil and Kalim. "Grim, what are you pawing at?"
"Look at the key with a lamp on it! It's so shiny, plus look at the mist around it," Grim mewls, pawing at the keychain near my thigh. "So...SHINY!!"
"Grim, stop! You'll get your claws got in my pants again!" I groan, trying to pull him away from my pants. "Besides, that can't be a real key. We can only access those by going through the Dark Mirror. Not only that, but there was no problem for me to resolve. Everything solved itself on its own."
"So? The mirror has been acting weird for a while. Maybe it's finally going easy on us after seeing what happened last time."
"Maybe, you know what, I'll take this as a stroke of luck today,"
We walk back to Ramshackle and find someone has entered my bathroom.
"Azul, get out of my trash!" I scream, making the octopus boy jump and look for a way out. "There's no way out but this door!"
He moves from side to side, and I do the same thing. Then he fakes a right and jumps out my window.
"Azul, are you ok?!" I yell, looking at his body from below.
"Call an ambulance..." Azul moans, holding his right leg.
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exoticalmonde · 1 year ago
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Christmas Presents I Have Been Crying About Since Last Night (27.12.23)
I got a belated christmas present from my best friend in the shape of a LOT of money for steam games, so as the sensible person that I am I immediately latched onto the games that have been sitting in my wishlist for forver.
THOSE BEING
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Bustafellows, a game I played half an episode of once upon a time, and which has been murdering my heart at the spicy price of 40 euro. Not that it's not worth all the money, turst me if I could get it any earlier I would have loved to throw my money in sign of love and support for this game.
Alas, we have to take advantage when our brethren have fallen and I got it 65% off (CHRISTMAS SALE, GO AND GET IT IF YOU LOVE MURDER MYSTERY, FANTASY AND THE COREST ANIME BOYS EVER) to satiate my josei-enjoying brain. It's 14 euro now, which made it much more available.
Also, as a student of the arts, it would have been a pity to graduate never having played Ace Attourney! I got the Trilogy, though I have really been wanting to play the other one due to its historical base.
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In any case, this bad boy is also on sale.
Having been left with a little more to spare, I realized that Hakuoki has been on my mind for a very very long while. While searching far and wide for which one to buy (since there are two), I found out there was an anime.
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After further research it says that the games came out first in 2008, then the animation was made in 2010. As old as this might sound, it's actually impressive the creativity and the 'work with that you have' sensation that's been the basis of the games. I tried watching Yona of the Dawn which came out 2014 and its opening was underwhelming in energy in comparison.
No shade for it, mind you, I got to E3 a couple days ago.
But like... look at the comparison okay and tell me for yourself. (NB: The animation opening for Hakuoki resembles any other visual novel turned anime openings where they HAVE to show off all of the cast that would be potentially romanticizable, regardless of which route is being taken, so I suppose there's that advantage in comparison to making an opening for an anime that is a black and white manga.)
youtube
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I got interested in the games due to my adoration for 'My Vow For My Liege', something I stumbled upon when searching for something to scratch that long-haired prettyboy itch I had last Spring, before all went to hell and my laptop exploded.
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Second bestest friend got me Dawnbringer Vex and I need to tell you how both of them were egging me on to play League when it was 4am for me. I did indeed fold and played two games.
I love Vex so much, she's the bane of my existence.
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I'm off to watch the Hakuoki anime now. I watched it... like... MANY years ago on Youtube when it was still semi-legal for it to exist and I remember watching the first 3 episodes and then somehow it got to the ending and it was bad, I cried myself to sleep.
We live with the illusion it's going to be different and my following posts will absolutely be full of spoilers.
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vencyrus · 3 months ago
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i really needed to vent so heres a dumb diary entry about being aro and potentially also being ace but i identify as pan as well as a list of times ive cried in the past 10 years. (unfortunately a very short list) read it or dont, but thanks for listening if you do!
man honestly i didn't know there were still things to find out about myself at 26. thought i was just with my road to self discovery. panromantic/pansexual just felt like it fit.
I spent a huge chunk of my early 20s dating and sleeping around hoping to kind of find my forever person. felt like that was my driving force the whole time, what got me out of bed and helped me go through the motions everyday.
all my friends eventually got partnered up and i saw less and less and less of them. it got lonelier and lonelier as everyone faded away. we like to say we will surely still have time for each other, keep in touch, hang out. those are just pleasantries. we all know them to be lies; we try anyway. eventually it starts to fade until its gone. time to try to settle down. it should probably be my turn for once.
decided to be a bit more exclusive for the past two years and thought i found the one for me a few times. i loved them and they loved me but eventually they decided that i was not enough. to no fault of their own. i was just not able to love them in a way that they deserved.
i never had a serious relationship until i was 24. focused too hard on academics and just partying. maybe if i had actually dated while i was in high school, maybe middle school, i would have had this realization sooner. instead i spent years pining over the idea of spending my life with someone. to love and to be loved. to spend the rest of my life devoted. i want to give someone my everything but i just find myself so incapable of feeling that intensely about someone no matter how much i feel for them.
maybe im not fully aromantic. otherwise i wouldn't have these fantasies in my head. maybe i am and what i feel is resentment. i dont know if i am truly incapable of romantic love. maybe i am, maybe there is a bit of a spark just waiting to be ignited. i dont know. this is all just a foreign concept for me.
i do know one thing for sure. i cannot love someone in a way that they deserve. it wasnt fair to my previous partners and it wouldn't be fair to future partners to treat them as guinea pigs to my feelings.
even now, the random hookups have felt dull now that ive given up the prospect of dating. i put my time into my craft now that i have all this free time and it does serve as a nice distraction to my feelings but they still swing by and hit me like a truck.
i dont cry often. ive cried in high school a total of 4 times. after that, thrice. once now, in my adulthood, when i realized how lonely i am destined to be.
anyway! time to list the times i've cried.
High School
when my best friend, nessa, started dating someone i had a crush on. i didn't actually like them. i just liked to pick a crush every now and then so the girls had someone to tease me about. so i could share cute interactions i had to illicit reactions. it added to the camaraderie but oh boy was i quite the liar. i knew nessa since sophomore year. we instantly clicked. i had never had a friendship quite that strong and i still havent to this day. i didnt actually have a crush on AJ. but i was utterly crushed by the betrayal
when i got hit by a car like a week after the above betrayal happened. i laugh about it now but man was i a wreck. i biked to school everyday. i loved riding my bike. and i loved my bike. that thing got me through a lot and got me everywhere i needed to be. i stick to the sidewalks always. ill use the bike lanes when necessary. on the way to school there is a long stretch of road surrounded with just grass. the bike lanes were sizeable enough to not worry about it. of course, thats not gonna stop people from swerving into the bike lane for fun. let alone the police in their stupid cop cars. had the gall to ask me if i was ok and blame me for swerving into the road. absolutely not. i take this route everyday, i get my sleep, and i stay safe. i was a good kid on a decline but that might have been my turning point. i still hold a distrust towards law enforcement but i feel like thats normal as a POC. but more regrettably, i have never ridden a bike since that incident.
when my brother moved away. short and simple. i feel like this doesn't warrant an explanation. we're twins! unfortunately on very very different paths. it would be insane for me not to cry. he was more in tune with his emotions and i kept mine bottled up and let them out when i cant keep them contained anymore; always when im alone and there wasnt anyone to witness. despite that, he was definitely the stronger of the two of us. he handled his emotions in a healthy way and i let it fester and ruin me and it became obvious to everyone around me. so, considering this would be the last time we see each other in so long, i had to show him i would be okay in the only way i could figure out how; by not being okay in the moment.
off to college. saying goodbye to my mom never really felt real. had a nice little trip with her before leaving then bawled my eyes out at the airport. there are a total of 3 substantial people who have actually seen me cry. mom, brother, and maya. maya doesn't count as much as the rest. i just exploded in class after getting hit by a car, which by the way, yeah, i did in fact still go to class after getting knocked into a massive mud puddle lol.
College
My dog died. i was overseas and i couldn't see him. i couldn't be there for him. that was my little buddy who was there for me when i was in need and i couldn't return the favor. one of my biggest regrets in life. i would never have left if i knew what was to come. that really is the worst thing about living on the islands. we had one surgical vet and if he was out on vacation, you were just out of luck. i mean, i cant blame the doc that much. even if the vet was actually on the island, doubt we could have been able to afford it. he lived a short life but i like to think that we gave him a longer life than he would have on the streets. i still remember the day we got him. my mom said she had a surprise for me. she drove me to a car yard and we spent 30 minutes just looking under the cars. i didnt know what she wanted me to look for but the moment i saw him, i loved him. that was my boy. my sweet sweet boy. that was my Donut.
One sentence for this cuz i gotta move on from this post. Visited my brother in Texas for his air force graduation. Reunion so short and separation once more.
The stupid Bergenfield State fair. I actually don't want to talk about this cuz it pisses me off more than makes me sad. Mental health was at an all time low and i just basically collapsed in the walgreens candy aisle and bawled my eyes out at 2AM.
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pointofreturn · 11 months ago
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shoulders back, chin up
I scramble around my teenage bedroom, looking for something to wear. Clothes pile on the floor as I discard item after item, irritated I can’t find something flattering.
“Honey, are you in here?” My grandmother walks in, a bright smile matching her clear blue eyes.
I called her Grammie when I was younger, but when my sister Liv was born, she couldn’t say Grammie, so Grammie became Mimi.
“Are you almost ready?”
I turn to Mimi with tears in my eyes. She doesn’t know it, but body dysmorphia is drowning me in a shallow pool of vanity. I open my mouth and start crying.
She rushes over and embraces me. “What’s wrong? Is everything okay?”
 The child still in me is ready to tantrum. “No! I hate everything! None of these clothes fit. Everything makes me look fat! I hate myself!”
Mimi is quiet for a moment. Her face wears concern but shaded with understanding, not fear. She gently turns us, so our eyes meet in the mirror.
“I know I’ve told you this before, but I want to tell you again. Whenever you’re feeling anxious or insecure or self-loathing, just remember: shoulders back, chin up, and a smile on your face.”
*
I lived with Mimi for the first six years of my life. Despite the misfortune of an absent father, I was blessed to have her as a second parent. Every night, Mimi and I ate dinner together before she would sing or read me to sleep. She picked me up and dropped me off at school. She bought my first Hooked on Phonics and taught me to read. She took me to the park and the pool and the beach and to visit my mom bartending our local Chili’s. I think those were the happiest years—when it was just us three girls.
I was very attached to Mimi. We raced each other to her bed at night as I preferred to sleep with her. She always let me win and steal her spot on the left side, where I still sleep in my own bed. I cried every day when she took me to school. The teacher would put a small chair in front of the window, and I watched Mimi leave while the other kids started the day. I know she hated to be apart from me too because she visited during her lunch breaks. I’d press my face against the playground’s chain-linked fence, as close to her as possible, begging her to pick me up early. I felt safe with Mimi. She was my protector. She was the only form of stability I ever had.
When my mom and stepdad had Olivia, they got married, and we left Mimi to live in a new home with our new family. Liv and I still spent many weekends at Mimi’s new apartment in Galt Mile. She moved in with her boyfriend, Buzz, a transplant from a small town in Kentucky. He had a mythical and strange life just like an interdimensional traveler, spending most of his life in loud barrooms up to no good. Buzz calmed down by the time he met Mimi, ready to settle into the family he’d never had for himself.
Our sleepover routine was dancing to oldies, playing board games, and ordering pizza from the Italian restaurant downstairs. Liv and I slept on the pull-out couch, tasting the humid salt air on our tongues, watching Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter late into the night. When we woke, Buzz would make us pizza omelets with the leftovers and we’d walk across the street to Lauderdale Beach, sticky with sweat before baptizing ourselves in the Atlantic.
Buzz was the love Mimi waited for her whole life. He brought light and happiness back into her life after years of heartbreak. They traveled all over the world—ski trips in Austria and Aspen, cruises through the Caribbean, the winter Olympics in Utah. I’m sure neither of them expected those youthful joys later in life, and I grew up believing Mimi had finally found her soulmate. Later, I found out she hated skiing.
*
I stand in Mimi’s apartment, trying to disguise my impatience and discomfort. It’s a melting summer day just after my 31st birthday and, for some reason, Buzz won’t keep the AC below 78.
“She’s bad today,” he says before heading over to the pool.
I try to get her attention again. “Meem, I don’t think you’re going to need a hat inside. It’s too hot to eat outside right now.”
“I know, I know, but I like to have it just in case. Which one do you think is better?”
She tries on two straw hats. One round with a blue bow and the other duck-billed with a white bow. She looks through the mirror for my approval.
“Hmmm…I think the blue. It matches your pants!”
The same pants she’s worn the last three times I’ve seen her. The same shirt too. And shoes. They’re not dirty; she just refuses to wear anything but this one outfit.
She tries both on again. Looks in the mirror.
“Ugh…No, no no. Ugly! Ugly!!”
“What’s ugly? The hats?”
She turns around to face me, throwing everything on the table.
“No, me! I’m ugly!” She stomps into the corner, staring at the wall.
I don’t know what to say, but I understand exactly how she feels. I shatter thinking about the mental prison she lives in while having no idea she’s trapped. It’s a feeling I’m all too familiar with. I look around and spot a blue Tommy Bahama hat in the kitchen.
I place it on her head. “Don’t say that Mimi, you’re perfect. What about this? I think this is the one.”
She adjusts the hat, smiles and laughs with me. She looks like herself again.
“Oh okay…let’s get out of here. Do you have a car? By the way, where do you live?”
*
When I was 13, we moved from Broward County to Palm Beach. My parents decided after years of rentals that we would build a house where Mimi and Buzz could live with us. We later moved into “The Compound,” our dream home that was far from a dream. Our family had some of its darkest moments in that house, but we all wished for it back again after it was gone in the 2008 recession. Mimi and Buzz moved back east to Boynton, where they still live today.
Mimi knew how much I was struggling when we lived at The Compound, though we never spoken openly about it. One night, after I was assaulted, she rubbed my hair while I cried in her lap. Without saying a word to explain myself, she told me about the time she had been assaulted. When I finally asked for help with my eating disorder, she paid for my expensive inpatient treatment without hesitation. She intuitively understood what I needed, even when I didn’t. She always told me that I didn’t have to be defined by the bad things I’d been through.
I don’t remember exactly when we noticed something was wrong. It came on slow and malignant, a dark shadow clouding over her bright light. Mimi was forgetting things she normally remembered. She’d grown more irritable and paranoid. There were a few crisis points: when she got lost on the way home and the police had to find her, the first time she thought Buzz was a stranger breaking into her house, the night she called crying because she knew something was wrong with her mind but couldn’t explain it.
Even though she asked for help, we never got a proper medical diagnosis. Like all our other family issues, we waited and waited and let her decline without any intervention. Mom tried to take her to the doctor a few times but fearing Mimi’s wrath, never completed the testing. She never took any medication. Now, several years later, she’s a hollowed-out version of herself. There are still flashes of the real Mimi, but there is an undeniable emptiness about her. She lingers like the living dead, a ghost of her former being.
*
I arrive to find her on the porch, chain-smoking Capri Magenta 120s and sipping on a cold Coke for breakfast. Mimi sits in her rocking chair, a bowl of twelve lighters next to her ashtray, heels perched on a footstool, looking out to the cul-de-sac to see which neighbors are passing with no attempt to hide her nosiness.
She’s with it today.
I take her to BurgerFi because lately she’ll only eat a hamburger or tuna, limiting our lunch options. She can’t decide if she likes the food or not. She’s firm on the fries, which I agree are too burnt. Then within the same minute she tells that she loves the burger and it’s the worst thing she’s ever had in her life. I tell her we’ll go to Five Guys next time.
We get back in the car.
“So where are we going next?” She’s happy, chipper even. She doesn’t always want to continue our outings.
“Hmmm, well where would you like to go?”
“Oh, I don’t know…Just somewhere we can walk around and look at stuff.”
I drive around the mall, trying to find something tolerable for both of us.
“What about Dollar Tree? Bet you haven’t been there since everything only cost a dollar.”
“It’s not a dollar anymore?”
“Dollar twenty-five! Inflation!”
She laughs, hard. I feel good when I make her laugh.
We look at the silly, cheap Halloween and Christmas decorations out on display even earlier this year. I let myself wander and Mimi follows behind. I touch a few things here and there—a pack of stickers, a bottle of soap, a mini bag of Reese’s, a soft teddy bear. I turn around to make sure she’s not lollygagging too far. I find her with arms full of everything I touched.
“I want to buy these things for you! This is what you liked, right?”
I struggle to stay composed as we check out. She picks up the teddy bear from the cashier, gives it a kiss, and hands it to me.
“A little fuzzy friend for you. I love you.”
I simmer my emotions until I drop her off. But as soon as I’m alone, I sob. I hold the teddy bear to my chest and cry until I can’t breathe, until my throat swells shut, until my brain feels like it will leak from my ears. I’m not sure how, but she still feels the desire to provide for me, even if it’s just some silly things from Dollar Tree. Mimi is both here and there, caught between worlds. When I see her, I am sick with longing, though she hasn’t completely departed yet. At least she still intuits who I am to her.
*
Alzheimer’s and dementia are the cruelest diseases. The more open I am with people about this experience, the more I come to realize how common this devastation is. Mimi continues to devolve, remains homebound, barely remembers anything through the day. A few months ago, Mom asked me to become her caretaker in exchange for payments from her insurance while I continue to search for employment. It was better option than hiring a stranger, and now, I think there is a divine reason I’ve been positioned to care for her, as she cared for me.
It is impossible at times to carry the weight of her mental absence amid her continued physical presence. A violence rips through me when I see such distance behind her beautiful blue eyes, to witness the shadows in her mind as her conscious light slowly dims. Sometimes I can’t help myself from crying when I see her recognize who I am. The fog lifts, she holds my face, repeating how beautiful I am and how grown up I look. Despite the gray matter decline, Mimi is healthier than most 80-year-olds. She could easily live another 10 or 15 years.
I know she’ll never return to who she was. I try to avoid ruminating on what I should have done while she was lucid, but sometimes I fall into the void of what-ifs. What if I had asked her more about her life and her struggles? What if I been more open with her about my darkness? But dwelling on the past robs the present. Her body is still alive on this earth even if her mind is elsewhere. Taking our time together for granted would be foolish.
For now, I’m grateful she remembers who I am. When she sees me, she lights up with the same smile I’ve trusted my whole life. Her energy persists and I always find ways to bring it out. I know the inevitable outcome is that the dementia will get worse. She will continue deteriorating and eventually, she will forget me. Too often, I fear sharing my memories with the world. I wonder if there is a point in writing it all down. I tell myself no one will ever want to read my work. But as I watch Mimi forget her life, her experiences, her identity, suddenly something in my mind shifts. Maybe it is more important to remember than I thought.
*
It’s a bad day again. At noon the lights are off, and Mimi is still sleeping. She jumps as I wake her, cursing me for scaring her. She grudgingly gets up and isn’t pleased to see me. She’s not usually like this so I give her grace, offer to pick out her outfit, and ask if she’s hungry. She’s always hungry, and usually in a better mood after she eats.
We get in the car, ready to continue our never-ending quest for her favorite burger place. But when we get to Five Guys, she hesitates to get out.
She looks at me with a sour face, motioning to her stomach. “I don’t feel good.”
“What do you mean? Are you nauseous?”
“No, not like that…Not sick. It’s like…” She can’t find the words. Her mouth moves but nothing comes out. Tears line her eyes. She waves her hands, trying to conjure the cognition from thin air. I understand exactly what she means.
“Do you feel anxious? Like butterflies in your stomach but not in a good way?”
She looks at me with relief, nodding rapidly. “Yes…That! That’s what I’m feeling!”
“I understand, trust me.” I take her hand and look into those familiar blue eyes. “You know, someone once taught me a great trick for that.”
“Really? Does it help?”
“I think so! You can try and let me know.”
“Well, tell me!”
“Alright,” I pull open the sun visor mirror. “You have to do some movements, so I want you to see yourself. First, let’s fix your posture. Shoulders back.”
I move my shoulders back and stick my chest out. She mimics.
“Perfect! Now, chin up.” I tap my finger under her whiskery chin.
We both look in the reflection with our shoulder back, chins up.
“That’s it! Okay, now, finally, the most important part.”
“What’s that?”
“A smile on your face.”
I make an exaggerated smile at her in the mirror. She smiles back and laughs, hard.
“That’s it?”
“Yup…Those three things: shoulders back, chin up, and a smile on your face. Best anxiety cure there is.”
She beams at me with her chin up and her shoulders back. She looks like herself again.
“I love that! Thank you honey, I’m going to remember this one.”
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cerulean-chanterelle · 1 year ago
Text
aftermath
in early 2020 i cut my own hair because
i was having a breakdown and a
girl i liked
told me how she'd done that way back when.
in mid 2020 i had a friend tell me i was aromantic
and it was as if the world had had it's
meaning thrust upon me.
i found out i was ace a month later.
in 2021 i was trying my best to be
brave but it didn't feel good.
but i had the man i loved and that
made it bearable.
in early 2022 i knew i was bigender
before i knew that was a real word.
and i didn't know what i wanted
but i knew clementine tasted sweet.
in mid 2022 i realised how we had been treated
and it tore me asunder.
it made me scream and cry and
wish i had known earlier.
in late 2022 i opened call of the netherdeep
and my heart.
and i was scared to love again
and in a way i still am.
in early 2023 i told my parents
that i was transitioning.
and it made me feel like shit
it still does.
in mid 2023 i wanted to kill someone.
and i was on the muddy wet concrete
crying weeping shouting and i think it had
nothing to do with me and everything with you.
in mid 2023 he showed me his heart
and it made me feel like i couldn't breathe
because it was the most
beautiful thing i'd ever read.
and i didn't think i could love someone so much and then find even more of it. but he's just that guy. i have to force myself not to think of you sometimes, you know? because if i do i lose myself to the tears. and god thought it would be funny to make me have to live like this, loving so much it immobilises me and yet i still have to function? but fuck him. because we're everything and i know that wherever life goes it's with you. four letters is too short of a word for the time i want to spend with you, the embraces i want us to share. and i have to do it again now, y'know? because.i've gone and broken the poetic structure just thinking about you. but im so so proud of you and everything you do. love.
on september 5th i started hrt.
on september 18th i turned 19. on september
something i felt intimacy and cried myself
to sleep most of the rest of the month.
on october 10th i brought my first vibrator and
decided not to be scared of myself
because e is changing me for the better and im
okay with that meaning i get horny.
and i love so much in so many different ways
and right now i feel like i want to be touched
real bad because i'm too stubborn to lose at
what i feel i should be known for.
and maybe this feeling won't go away and i'll
have to kiss a stranger in the gender neutral
bathroom in a club i forget the name of
and hope they understood my warnings.
and maybe progesterone will make me the
sluttiest aro-ace there is but
that's a chance i'm
willing to take.
and because i'm so unoriginal i've gone and
shaved again but left my arms because like
cutting my own hair because of a girl
i'm leaving my arm hair because a boy told me
he preferred it that way.
i guess i'll just be living in others' aftermath all my
life.
maybe
thats not so bad.
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lesbian-janai · 6 years ago
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.
#me: a lot of the shit i face for being bi and nb/trans is also shit i face for being ace#some random person who thinks they know my experiences better than i do: you're lying because aces never face any problems#anyways fuck ace dis//course and if you think aces don't face any hardships fuck you too#discurse#i said i was gonna leave this shit in 2018 but i saw some bullshit on twitter and now i'm pissed off#sorry to rant but god i fucking hate people who act like aces don't face any oppression#and tell aces they're lying when they come forward with the shit they had to face for being ace#my parents would fucking hate me if they found out i was ace#but because i'm not someone you consider el gee bee tee suddenly that doesn't matter and i'm just lying#'everybody loves aces nobody hates y'all. y'all just want to feel oppressed uwu'#meanwhile i cried myself to sleep one time because my mom said asexual people are messed up and need to be fixed#but apparently nobody hates aces and i just want to be oppressed for some reason#yeah i want my parents to hate me! god wouldn't that be great? for my entire family to hate me? boy i just wish my family hated me!#oh wait they already do#i know what they think about ace people so i know what they would think of me if they found out i was ace#and yeah they'd hate me for being bi and nb and trans#but guess what?#they'd hate me for being ace too!#but apparently it's not the same because some rando on twitter doesn't think aces are lgbt#meanwhile real life ace people are suffering and we can't even talk about it without people turning it into discourse!#sorry to rant about this type of shit but god i'm so angry#it'd be really great if people would stop trying to kick people out of the community#and instead focus on things that actually matter#like idk maybe helping people who need help? support people who are struggling? idk#just stop fucking trying to kick out people who need the community#you're not helping anyone
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mall-0-ry · 2 years ago
Note
Hey so i had an idea for a twst wonderland angst oneshot. where we found a way to go home and took it just to find out that earth was gone but refused to go back to twst. could you do this with the first years?
-🍕✨ pizza anon
“ There’s always five stages of Grief… “
they’re all shuffled up, so if you’re able to line them up completely, then congratulations!
TW: SELF HARM AND ETC!!
Tumblr media
ACE TRAPPOLA:
Y/N’S POV
“ Are you seriously still going to your world, even though it’s as good as gone?? “ Ace angrily shouted at me as he scratched his head in distress and disbelief.
“ What can i do?! I love my world…” I retorted as i gazed down at the wooden floor eyes puffy.
“ Y/N, Why would you still even wanna go back.. isn’t this place better..?! “ Ace angrily retorted as he asked a question that made me stare at him right in the eye.
“ I.. I lost my parents ace.. God knows whatever happened to them.. i want to find them.. I can’t stand the thought of them gone.. “ i sadly said as i gazed at his tear stricken face.
Ace bluntly said.. “ What if they’re already gone. “ with wide eyes, i stared at him, shocked and Angry… and grief..
“ How could you say that to me?! Ace. Would you feel happy if i told you that, about your family?! “ I exclaimed
“ Look! i’m sorry.. i didn’t know what’s gotten into me, i just.. don’t want you to go.. “ He sorrowfully said as he carefully walked towards my trembling body.
My Knees hits the hard wooden floor, as i hugged him tightly.
He may have been a douche bag but he’s correct, what if they’re already gone.. but i do want to see it for myself..
“ I just.. want to see them one last time.. even just their photo.. “ i sobbed as hard as i can onto ace’s shoulder.
“ Please.. don’t leave me.. “ ace said, as i felt my heart shatter.
“ …I’m already gone ace. “ I said as i slowly lifted my hand that is turning transparent..
Ace stared at my form as he sobbed and cried, until he woke up from his dream. it’s been a week since I left him..
“ I hate you so much.. Y/N “
“ When will you come back… to me..? Y/N…. “
DEUCE SPADE:
DEUCE’S POV:
I woke up from my sleep and sluggishly sat up.. i felt a weight beside me as i smiled gently at their sleeping form..
“ Y/N wake up.. you forgot to go back to your room, you might get in trouble with the Dorm Head.. “ I said as i patted their shoulder to wake them up.
“ i’m awake~ i’m awake~ “ She giggled as she smiled cheerfully at me, but their face turned grim.
“ How Long.. ?” they trailed off as they stared at me with their eyes no longer sparkling and alive.
“ Hu-huh? “ I confusedly let out, as they continued..
“ How long are you going to live like this my spade..? “ they bluntly said as they reaches out for my hand.. i held Them tightly..
“ Do-don’t joke around Y/N.. “ i said, voice stuttering and trembling.
“ Deuce.. i’m sorry.. for leaving you.. i just wanted to go back, even though i knew of its conditions and consequences.. “ they said as they shuffled towards me.
“ Now wake up deuce.. “ they demanded as they stared at me dead in the eye.
I gasped for air.. as i swiveled my head around the room hoping to find them.. but to no avail.
“ This stage of denial is getting the better of me.. i can’t just simply.. move on.. when they’re my treasured s/o.. “
“ Why can’t i just be with you..?”
JACK HOWL:
JACK’S POV:
“you’re not kidding on… not coming.. back, are you? “ I questioned them before they entered the mirror.
“ I am certain, Jack.. i’m sorry “ They said as they apologized. i shook my head and lied to them.. “ It’s alright, Y/N.. “ They smiled as they entered the mirror. i was then left alone with my aching heart.
I’ve accepted the fact that.. they’ll never be mine, nor they’ll ever stay..
I can’t make them stay, because i already know that the answer is no..
But i can’t help but sob at the thought that they’ve accepted their fate to be one with the stars.
“ I’ve always known that you won’t be mine, i should’ve told you my feelings. “
“ I’ve accepted the fact that, i’ll never see you again.. “
EPEL FELMIER:
it’s been months.. i’ve become even more thinner.. my whole appearance is a mess..
i just.. miss them..
Vil would nag me for how i looked for the past few days, and i completely ignored him..
i am not in the mood of Tea parties.. getting myself pretty when the person i’ve deeply admired and loved is… gone.
and it’s all because!… that they’ve found a way to go back.. to a world that simply doesn’t exists.. anymore
Why would they honestly go back to that world? it’s as good as dead, why couldn’t they just stay with me..
I stared at the mirror as i lightly touched my boney cheek.
“ I look so malnourished.. “ i sighed as i grabbed a.. short blade from my desk. i stared at it as i gulped down the anxiety.
I glided the blade onto my wrist, as blood pooled down, dripping onto the rug, i stared at it deadly..
my eyes no longer have that light shade.
it’s just.. dull, and.. scary..
“ If you were still here.. would my eyes still look the same as before..? “
SEBEK ZIGVOLT:
I stared at the ceiling of my own bedroom, I couldn’t help but think of them.
I couldn’t help but remember their smile that made my heart act up.
or their laugh that made my cheeks flare in a red hue.
I.. have to admit that i miss them.
Waka sama and everyone misses them. everyone seemed to act weirdly ever since they left. especially Waka sama,
Now, that they’re forever gone, only leaving Memorable memories, that made me smile.
i didn’t notice a tear running down my face as i reminisced on the past, as i lay on my bed.
I then sobbed quietly.
my hearts aches
it hurts.
i can only scream onto my pillow, careful not to awaken the others..
“ Dear, Witch of thorns.. if you bring them back.. i promise to try my best to do anything that you ask me to do. “
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collecting-stories · 3 years ago
Text
Saving Grace - JJ Maybank
A/N: A You Are Ok drabble set ten years in the future 
You Are Ok Masterlist | Outer Banks Masterlist
✰ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰
The Maybank house had sat empty on the cut for almost five years until JJ’s dad was released from prison. You and JJ had been down in Florida at the time, moved out of his cousin’s trailer and living in an apartment in the everglades. Talking about going home but unsure what the OBX had to offer at that point. It was barely two weeks after that when you both flew home, Luke Maybank had overdosed and the house was empty once again.  
It stayed empty while the two of you gutted the entire place and refurbished it. While JJ and you stayed at the Chateau or Kiara’s place, while you found a job and found out you were pregnant, while JJ got a job for himself in the area and went back down to the everglades to empty out the apartment.  
JJ laid the tile in the bathroom himself and fixed the plumbing. You painted the inside and outside of the house, planted a garden, bought a chicken coop. You and JJ moved in to the house and just like that you were back in the OBX.  
-
You sat outside on the porch, drinking a cup of coffee despite the hour nearing eight o’clock at night. The baby monitor was sitting beside you, a soft gurgling coming from the receiver. You were waiting for the familiar sight of JJ’s truck pulling down the long driveway in the dusk. The headlights were already on, flashing on you for a moment as he parked and then cut off, the engine dying.  
“Hey, what’re you doing out here?” He asked, climbing out of the front seat of the car and bringing a bag of chinese food with him.  
“Waiting for you to bring me egg rolls?” You joke, before turning serious, “I saw my dad this morning, at the grocery store.”
“Did he see you?”  
“Yeah...it was, really weird?” You suggested, reaching for the bag. JJ shook his head and held the bag away from you, a silent ‘I’ve got it’ as he leaned in and gave you a kiss. You wrinkled your nose at the familiar smell of fish as you pulled away, “how was work?”
“Alright...” he shrugged, “what did your dad say?”  
“That he wants me to come to church on Sunday.” You replied, following him inside.  
“You wanna go?” It was a question but the way he asked you knew that he already knew the answer.
“I mean...I’m not gonna like, start going to church with them every week and ya know, go back to how I was but...it might be nice. I do miss my family and, I want to have boundaries but maybe they don’t have to be like, huge ten-year silence boundaries where we never speak. I do want Willow to know her cousins; I think. What do you wanna do?” You asked, passing plates across the counter to him.  
A tinny half cry sounded from the monitor on the table and you both turned to look over at it, waiting for a crescendo of cries that you’d grown used to in the last four months. When silence settled back in, you both seemed to exhale in relief. You wanted to eat and finish this conversation before JJ ultimately showered and fell asleep until Willow’s usual one a.m. wake up.  
“Whatever you want.” He replied, never submitting to making the decision for you when you wanted him to. “Not exactly like your family’s a big of me.”
“Can’t imagine why,” you bumped his hip with your own, kissing his cheek. “Not like you totally corrupted their youngest daughter or anything.”
“Oh no, do not blame that on me.”
“I didn’t run away to marry myself.”
“If you go...” JJ posed, turning to follow you to the table, “do you want to go alone?”
-
You stood frozen in place, holding a box of cereal in your hand as you stared across the small expanse of Heyward’s shop, your dad there by the fresh produce, comparing two different apples with each other. The Outer Banks was a small island but you ran in very different circles and, in the three years that you’d been home, had avoided seeing your parents. Or anyone in your family.  
You’d driven passed the baptist church, a sign boasting a new assistant pastor, one of your brothers, when you’d first moved back but hadn’t actually seen anyone. The possibility of seeing them again had been a long debate between you and JJ when you’d finally decided to leave Florida for North Carolina. It had been hard in the very beginning, missing birthdays and anniversaries and new babies, but over time the ache had dulled and you had shifted your attention away from what you were missing and focused on working through the things you could heal in yourself.  
Now you were frozen. If you left your basket of groceries now you could make a beeline for the door and be out before he saw you. But then the bell above the door rattled as a customer came in and the baby swaddled against your chest started to fuss. Before you could attempt to placate her, your dad was looking over. For a moment you were certain he didn’t recognize you. Ten years was a long time. But then his mouth quirked into a frown and he set down the apples he was holding.  
“Ace?” He questioned, the old nickname feeling foreign to you. It’d probably been ten years since anyone called you that.  
“Hey, dad.” You nodded your head at him across the small store. You felt like tacking on a ‘surprise’ for good measure. ‘Surprise, I’m in the OBX, surprise, I got a kid...’
“When did you uh, when did you come home?” He moved across the store to be near you though he refrained from reaching out for a hug. You wondered if a decade had been just as hard on him as it had on you. Cathartic and healthy and freeing but hard. He seemed more mellow, you thought that before he might’ve pulled out a bible and started admonishing you.  
“JJ and I moved back three years ago,” you admitted, slipping his name into the conversation as if to prove a point. “He got a job on a fishing rig.”  
“Will you...would you come to church? We could have lunch afterward. Or you could just be there?” He offered. Ten years hadn’t changed his beliefs at all but it had made him miss you. Not knowing where you were or what you were doing felt like an ache in his chest that never went away. The anger had subsided to sadness and guilt.  
-
Seeing your dad had been startling enough and you had almost wished, while you were standing there in Heyward’s, that JJ could’ve been with you. Though, you weren’t entirely sure that would’ve helped anything in the long run.
“I think my mom would probably be nicer to me if I brought Wills but maybe, I mean, my dad already saw her. He didn’t ask about her but maybe...” you groaned, burying your face in your hands for a moment as you tried to gather your thoughts. “Why didn’t we stay in Florida?”
“Cause we both spent seven years talking about how much we wanted to come back to the OBX...and my dad-”
“Jay.”
“Look. My dad was an asshole okay, he was a fucking nightmare but you know better than anyone that not getting to see him at the end...that was the worst call I’ve ever gotten in my life. Knowing Ricky was the only one up here and that he was alone. You should do whatever you want to do and I’ll be there, right next to you, just like I’ve been for ten years, but I don’t want you to have any regrets.” JJ replied, honestly.  
You nodded, looking down at the plate of food and pushing your fried rice around. You knew that JJ was still hurting, that gutting a house didn’t take away all the memories that were trapped inside. “God I hate when you’re right.” You sighed.  
“Don’t let your dad hear you talk like that.” He teased just as the monitor went off again, this time for real. You leaned against the back of the chair and groaned as JJ stood up. “I got it.”
“No, it’s okay, I’ll get her.” You stood too. “You need a shower, and sleep.”  
“I haven’t seen her all day,” JJ pointed out, following you down the short hallway to the bedroom that used to be his. It was painted in yellows and oranges now, with a crib and a rocking chair and baby books. A sunset mural painted on the wall from Kiara’s girlfriend and a chandelier of stars from Sarah.  
“What are you gonna do, take her in the shower with you?” You joked, lifting the fussing baby up out of her crib, “hey bubba, what’s the matter?”
“You have to feed her right? So feed her in the bathroom.”
“Oh sure, Jay, that’s super comfortable for me. I would love to feed her while I sit on the toilet.” You grumbled, already knowing that you would probably, definitely end up caving to him and doing exactly that.  
“I’ll put dinner away and do the dishes.” He promised, “and I’ll punch you’ll dad if he says anything to piss you off.”
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epicadventuresofyuu · 3 years ago
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The Jamil/Yuu fic is getting too long so I'll have to split it into 2 chapters but in the meantime here's two sections I wrote a bit ago that I adore
How did he fall in love with a reckless idiot? He's standing outside of Ramshackle dorm with Yuu, shaking them like a rattle while he glares at the entrance. "You gave up the dorm as collateral?"
"Ok, in my defense, I didn't know they would hold onto it!" Yuu raises their hands up to try and steady themself. "I thought I could still sleep in it at least."
Jamil sighs, the familiar signs of a migraine forming as he places his head on Yuu's shoulder. Too frustrated to form any coherent sentence, he settles for some of their usual remarks. "You're a clown. The entire goddamn circus. What made you think giving up your dorm was a good idea?"
"I didn't know they'd hold onto it." Yuu repeats, placing a hand on his back. "I'll be alright. It's just for a few days anyway."
"And if it's not just for a few days?"
He could feel Yuu smirk without even having to look up. "Well then, I guess Kalim will finally have his dream of me being a permanent Scarabia student."
"Don't joke about that." Jamil grumbles, finally pulling away and resisting the urge to stay there forever. Now isn't the time. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
Yuu shakes their head. "Nah, this is something I gotta do myself. You already have a lot on your plate anyways."
Kalim always has to come first, is what Yuu wouldn't say aloud. They knew, deep down somewhere, that Jamil had other priorities. They knew they couldn't come first. If only they knew how badly he wants to change that.
"Oi, Yuu!"
"Henchman! I brought the duo!"
Ace and Grim's loud voices are heard as they run up to them. Jamil takes a few steps back as Ace and Deuce tackle Yuu into a tight hug. Grim follows closely behind and jumps onto their shoulder.
"Yuu… thank you so much!" Deuce cries.
"We'll make it up to you, don't worry! You can sleep with us, no problem, we'll figure something out with Riddle."
As they began discussing living arrangements for Yuu and Grim, Jamil found himself sticking to the side again, purposefully moving out of the way for their… partners? What exactly was their relationship anyways? Either way, he blends into the background, becoming nothing as Ace and Deuce begin brainstorming ways to get Yuu into Heartslabyul. He knows it'll never work— there's been no free space in Heartslabyul ever since Riddle was in charge— and takes the opportunity to suggest Scarabia.
"I'm positive Kalim wouldn't mind—"
"I'll get Leona to let you stay in Savanaclaw."
When did Jack get there? Jamil holds his tongue, doing everything he could to keep his face the epitome of neutrality. He doesn't miss the way Yuu's eyes light up.
"Thanks, Jack!"
"Would Leona even want us there?" Grim asks.
"Well, I figure he owes you guys anyway. He's gotta take responsibility for what he did and I think this is a good way for him to do it." Jack answers, and apparently that's good enough of an answer for everyone. His suggestion is cast aside as Ace and Deuce begin teasing Jack for being a softie. He's not sure Yuu even heard him.
He forces himself to believe it's fine as Yuu waves goodbye and leaves him standing in front of the dorm. He sighs, leaning against the creaky gate as he watches them walk towards Mirror Hall. 
"Great Seven, give me strength." he mutters to himself. All he can do is watch and wait.
And pray. Definitely pray.
———
Jamil finds it's been increasingly difficult to try and sleep when he's aware Yuu is three days away from potentially losing their dorm. Kalim would take them in without a doubt, but he's more worried about the part of the contract where they'll be under Azul's thumb. If he was dumb enough to try and help them out, Azul would no doubt the and coerce him into making a deal to free them. 
Would he sign it knowing the risks? He doesn't know. All he knows is the ache in his chest as he imagines them sleeping in Savanaclaw of all places. He should've spoken up. Exhausted, Jamil gives up on trying to sleep and heads to the kitchen. A glass of water would be nice.
He stops midway when he hears footsteps. An intruder? This late at night? Holding back a sigh, he presses his back against the wall to remain hidden in the shadows. Peering over, his reflexes kick in when he finds himself face to face with someone. While hard to see in the dark, he recognizes the squeak the intruder lets out and stops halfway, his outstretched hand only lightly touching Yuu's face.
"Glad to know I'm so welcomed." Yuu laughs, interlocking fingers with his. "I probably scared you. Sorry."
"It's… fine." Jamil settles on saying, his eyes focused on their hands. "I thought you were staying in Savanaclaw?"
"I am, but I wanted a glass of water and—" they let go of his hand to fix their glasses "—I wanted to see you too."
Oh. There's that feeling again. Instead of voicing his concerns, his worries, his love— his brain decides the better option is "Can you get back into Savanaclaw this late at night?"
Yuu didn't think about that judging by the way their eyes widened. They wave it off. "Another sleepover?"
Normally, he'd be against it. Now? He wants nothing more than to have them in his sight. "I'll allow it. Let's get some water first." he sighs, leading them to the kitchen. Absent-mindedly, he can't help but think about how suddenly his hands grew cold without their touch.
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gay-salt-amber · 3 years ago
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Twisted Wonderland as Matt Rose stuff
Sleep Talking:
Deuce about Epel: My boyfriend once cupped my crotch in his sleep and said, “Two out of five stars.”
Jack: “Oh Walmart, Oh Walmart, Oh Walmart” Non stop for a half an hour
Ashton about his siblings: “..but he’s single on facebook!” My 12 year old stepsister…
Ace: “FLOYD GRAB THE FILES!”
Idia: “I’m gonna fuck Bill Gates CERVICALLY with a Playstation Four!”
Azul: “Its the monkeys problem if they cant finish the contract.”
Jade about Floyd: “I have to get past the Pikachu to get to the filing cabinet to see if I’m a robot or not.” Then he whipped a plate at the wall.
Lilia (Im fleshing this one out a bit) about silver: Once Silver walked out into the living room while asleep, came up to me and asked, “Father, why are deer the only animals that dont get fat?” I had to think about that one
Rashad: “I wanna be a fifth avenue peanut~”
Cater: “The clown has no penis”
Epel: “I just wanna… deep breath.. Kick so much ass”
Ruggie: Randomly yelled, “DUNKIN DOUNUTS!”  
Neige: “Small hands… inaudible Very small. How are they that small?”
Floyd: “No but the fish that was looking at me was a weird looking fish”
Che’nya: “Possum, possum, possum!” (with jazz hands)
Riddle: “Satan, love, share the damn yogurt”
Leona: sometimes I just randomly yell “FUCK” and wake myself up
Vil: Once I said, “eat the fucking veggie roll!” And then I cried
Rook (changed this one too) I once said, “I wanna be waterboarded with cheese!” In this mocking “Oh yeah daddy” type voice
Sebek: “I’m Spider-Man and i’m going to kill your family”
Trey: “ok ok, two bowls of butter”
Esther: “No no no no, use Snorlax. It has better special defense”
Crowley: “Get the fucking jetpacks ready”
Sam: I once sand Britney Spears “Circus” at the top of my lungs in my sleep and startled myself awake
Crewel (Switched this one up) I once grabbed Sams ass thinking it was a light switch
Kalim: “Don’t be so racist to spotted mice!”
Jamil: “I could have sex with everyone in New York in 8 hours”
not knowing how to pronounce stuff
Ruggie: I pronounce malady as m’lady
Malleus: my whole life I have been pronouncing tarot cars like carrot
Rashad: I used to pronounce Ibs (pounds) as Ill-a-balls
Kalim: I’ve been reading and saying hyperbole as ‘hyperbowl’ for fucking years
Epel: Pronounced crepe as “creep-ayy”
Rook: (changed it up) Ever since i’ve started speaking English i’ve been pronouncing melancholy as “Milan-chili”
Vil: I’ve been calling laptops labtops my whole life until 2 days ago
Leona: I’ve been pronouncing “hospice” like perfume for prostitutes all along and no one has corrected me.
Azul: I’ve been pronouncing ratio like ‘patio’ this whole time
Floyd: Unil recently, ive been pronouncing lingerie as “ling-eerie”
Deuce: TIL the correct pronunciation of persimmon. I’ve been pronouncing it like the name of a fucking Digimon
Riddle: “Satisfy. I pronounced and spelled it as statisfy until a couple days ago
Ace: I found out that “oui” is pronounced like “wee” i’ve been pronouncing it like “ooey” my entire life
Neige (changed): A friend had to correct me when I said eppy-toam for epitome. She was an English major
Lilia: I'm over 50 and still have trouble with “khaki”
Cater: my entire life I’ve been pronouncing cement as semen-t and no one corrected me.. Til now
Jamil: Well this is embarrassing Ive been pronouncing ‘priates’ like ‘pilates’ for the last 17 years
Silver: grotesque. It came up one time while watching a movie when I was younger and I asked my friends, “What the hell is grote-squee imagery?”
Idia: Yall pronounce sk8 like skate??? Ive been pronouncing it like skate eight the whole time!
Arie: Guys the cheese isnt “Monetary Jack” ITS MONTEREY JACK?!!!! IVE BEEN PRONOUNCING IT LIKE ITS RELATED TO MONEY MY WHOLE LIFE
Jade: Lack toast and tolerant. I had no idea what the hell it had to do with dairy until I was corrected
Floyd: I once asked my dad what “reptile disfunction” was
Esther (changed): A monstero lounge waiter told me that id been pronouncing my own surname wrong and I honestly feel like my whole life has been a lie
Sebek: I've always called them brussel sprouts instead of brussels sprouts
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spiderling-space · 4 years ago
Text
As I mentioned before, I'm doing a piece for Balkanoid MC. It's something I can %100 relate. This will be a mix of headcanon, scenario and incorrect quote. Also each different scenario/hc/quote is separated with ----
There are a lot of countries in the Balkans. This work will focus on things that everyone living in the Balkans can relate to. I'm avoiding certain stuff because it would be too heavy for [tumblr]
Setting: MC is from the Balkans
——
MC is just thrown into a whole new world, no friends, no family, just all alone. There is nothing that resembles their home and it doesn't seem like Dire is going to do find a way for them to go back so they decide to make Ramshackle a homely place. It took them over 2 weeks to clean the entire Ramshackle with the help of Ace, Deuce, Jack, ghosts and Grim.
After the cleanup, MC wiped the floors clean one last time and then they were done. Now they were just chilling on the couch.
"Oi prefect!" Ace opens the main door and just walks in. "Let's go an-"
MC isn't listening to what he is saying. Their focus is on Ace who just walked into their house with shoes on.
"Take your goddamn shoes off and wipe the floor you stepped in."
"Don't be ridiculous, I-"
"So you've chosen death..."
Ace is confused why they are so insistent on not wearing shoes inside. "What are you talking about?"
The closest thing they have is their house slippers. They took it in their hand and hit it on their other hand, making a slapping sound. "I won't hesitate to go over there and teach you manners."
Ace gulps as he sees the look on MC's face. "I'LL DO IT!" He takes off his shoes and leaves them outside, then asks where the mop is.
After MC tells where the cleaning supplies are, there is only one thought in their head "Mama, I'm making you proud!"
———
Random TWST cast: 90s were the best years!
MC, remembers the 90s of Balkans: Lol what?
----
MC and the rest of the first years go on lunch in a restaurant. They eat it and it is time to pay
MC: Waiter, please give me the receipt, I'll pay for everyone
Ace: Niceeee
Sebek: HUMAN! DON'T INSULT ME! I HAVE MONEY TO PAY AS A KNIGHT!
Deuce: I cannot let you pay by yourself 
Jack: Thank you MC but it is not necessary
Epel: I can't either, I can pay for my food
MC: So none of you is going to fight for paying for all? 
Everyone gives them a strange look: What are you talking about?
MC, taking out their wallet: It is the Balkan way
----
Ramshackle dorm is perfectly clean and everything is well organized but there is something that's missing. MC couldn't point out what it was until they managed to get a second-hand TV in the lounge.
"My grandma's white knit thingy!" Oh boy, Mc is so happy to find the missing piece. For the record, they have never understood why their grandma would knit a square-shaped balloon net but now they just missed that homey feeling. "I'm going to knit myself as I cannot afford to buy."
After a few days and countless tries, MC manages to knit a few balloon nets and they put it everywhere in the living room such as on the coffee table, on top of the couch's backside, over the fireplace and on side tables. As the final touch, they put one on TV.
"Now it feels like grandma came over!"
-----
MC is arranging a bag that has basic needs; bottled waters, crackers, canned food, whistle, blanket, first aid kit, sleeping mat, flashlight with extra batteries, some cash, wet and dry napkins and the medicines they use
Deuce: Are you planning on going camping?
Ace: Deuce, go get us two tents, I'll be in the same one as MC and you can have a tent for yourself
MC: What? No! Where did you get that idea? Also, Ace ewww!
Ace: Hey wait a sec-
Deuce: It's because of your bag...
MC: Oh! This is my bag for an earthquake. Everything in this essential if I get stuck under the rumble
Deuce: Eh?!
Ace: Silly magicless MC, every building is protected with magic here, there has never been any damage on structures or people
MC, cries in Balkan
-----
MC, internally: Hmm, interesting, dorm members resemble their dorm's icons so much. Hmm, Ignihyde is based on Hades who is a Greek God. I heard their dorm leader is from Isle of Lamentation which is from Greek myths so he must be a Greek!
Later
MC: Idia!
Idia, silently: Oh shit
MC: My fellow Balkanoid! *tries to greet him by kissing his cheeks*
Idia, freaks out and retreats: I have no idea what they mean!
MC: Well, you are Greek
Idia: I have no idea what that means either. I'll pay you to stay away
MC: Wait, you have money?
Idia, nods
MC: You know what, I'll just leave... Clearly, you are westernized! Here I thought I met a chad Balkan fellow!
----
MC, learns that Malleus and Leona are royalty
MC: Wait, there are non-corrupted country leaders?!
Leona: Tch, there is absolutely no chance that Ferena is corrupted. You thought I was?
MC: No?
Leona: Tch herbivore...
Malleus, offended: Did you mean my grandmother?
MC: Nope! That’s why I said non corrupt
Malleus: I'm saddened by your statement. What made you think this, child of man?
MC, laughs: Bro, bro... I lived in Balkans
-------
One of the foods that MC would miss dearly is burek/börek.
They would pause and ask for a moment when someone asks about the relationship between MC's country and its neighbours and the history behind it. They only say the good parts and don't get into details much.
MC would slap the watermelon to understand if it would taste good.
MC would be overjoyed when Divus doesn't call them a useless tool for giving him the wrong tool while fixing his car.
They would secretly miss those "good morning" pictures with flowers or babies on the background sent by elderly people around MC.
If MC has to stay more than the academic term, their choice of residence would be Land of Pyroxene as it is likely to resemble Germany.
They would find it weird that countries getting along with their neighbours.
It is a weird feeling to live on their own as they expected to live with their parents until marriage or until they found a job outside the city.
MC would find it basic that people are driving automatic shifted gear.
MC would get weird looks when they tell that their mom also calls them "mom".
MC is used to greeting people by kissing each cheek so it is weird to not do that in Twisted Wonderland.
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band--psycho · 4 years ago
Text
Jax Teller x Reader-I’m The Baby Whisperer
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Requested by the lovely @rebelwrites​​​, I hope you all enjoy this! 💜
Prompt List Requests / 1.3k Writing Celebration Masterlist / Sons Of Anarchy Masterlist 
I sighed in frustration, throwing my phone on the couch before collapsing into it myself. As soon as I felt like I was taking a step forward, I seemed to get knocked back again. I was meant to be going for an interview today and up until a few minutes ago everything was going just like I’d hoped, my son was s/n was still peacefully sleeping in his crib, allowing me to try on at least five different outfits for the interview before settling on a white blouse, a navy blue blazer with matching trousers and a pair of white block heels shoes to match my top, as well as a light covering of makeup. I felt more confident than I had done in years and I was so determined to ace this interview right up until my sister rang me saying that she wouldn’t be able to come over and look after S/n. It wasn’t her fault and I knew that, but I had no back up plan and I didn’t have the money to pay a babysitter. I felt everything I had hoped for just begin to slowly fall apart in front of me and I had no idea what to do.
I was dragged away from my thoughts when I heard a repetitive knocking at my door and couldn’t help but feel a sense of dread and annoyance wash over me as I bolted towards the door. It wasn’t because I was scared who was on the other side of the door but because I didn’t want anything to disturb S/n nor did I want anyone to see the state I was currently in. However, all of that seemed to fade when I opened the door to see the one and only Jax Teller standing outside with a bag of groceries in his hand, his charming smile painted on his face. 
“Why’re you so dressed up at this hour?” He asked, with a small chuckle in his voice as his eyes scanned down my body. Normally whenever he came round I was dressed in what I like to call my lazy day wear, which mainly consisted of baggy jeans, a crop top and a cardigan, so I could imagine seeing me like this would be a shock. But as he said those words I felt my heart drop as I remembered the interview...
“Woah, what’s wrong, darlin’?” He asked, his smile faltering slightly when his eyes locked with mine, without any hesitation he pulled me into a hug that  I gladly reciprocated. There was always something about Jax that calmed me, no matter how stressed I was. 
“I was meant to have an interview today,” I muttered into his chest, trying not to burst into tears as all of the stress built up in my body. 
He pulled from the hug slightly with a raised eyebrow before asking “An interview?” 
“Y’know like a job interview,” I sassed back with, a small smile creeping upon my face as a small chuckle slipped past his perfect lips.
“I’m well aware what an interview is, darlin’, where?” 
“This new firm in town,” I answered, sighing in defeat once again, pulling away from the hug completely as I tried to keep myself together. The last thing I wanted to do was breakdown on Jax-he’d seen enough of my breakdowns recently. I didn’t want to put him through another one. 
“Okay,” He began, in a low voice, walking towards me, rubbing soothing circles onto my arms “I'm struggling to see what’s bad about this, shouldn’t you be happy to have an interview?” 
“I would be but my sister just called me saying that she’s ill so can’t look after S/n and my mum isn’t picking up her phone and I can’t just take him into the interview and even if I could I’ve only just got him off to sleep and-”
“Darlin’, breathe,” Jax interjected, moving his hands from my arm to my face, caressing my cheeks as he lightly lifted my face up, forcing my eyes to look into his gorgeous blue ones; getting lost in them like I always used to. Even his eyes could calm me down...it was bizarre, but right now it’s what I needed. 
I tried so hard to stop the tears that forming in my eyes from falling because I didn’t want to breakdown nor did I want to ruin my makeup “Sorry, I just...I just don’t know what to do,” I muttered, feeling myself lean in more to his touch, like it was the only thing keeping me together. Which to be honest at this very moment wasn’t that far from the truth. 
“I’ll look after him,” Jax stated, his hands tracing small circles on to my cheeks. Those very words were enough to make my heart both melt and to strike fear into me. I trusted Jax more than anyone in this world and I knew he would never hurt S/n but since I’d left Will, my abusive ex boyfriend I never felt comfortable leaving S/n alone with anyone else besides my sister and my mum because I trusted them and I knew that they would never hurt S/n. But it was Jax. He wasn’t some random stranger, he was one of my closest friends. He was the friend who practically saved me from that toxic relationship....
“He’s safe with me,” Jax whispered soothingly, his hands still caressing my face, holding me close. I nodded slowly knowing that I could trust him with S/n.
A small smile came on his face at my answer, before he connected his lips lightly to my forehead,“Knock ‘em dead, darlin’,” he whispered before handing me the keys to my car, that charming smile coming on his face again, making my heart race and my cheeks redden, luckily I turned around and quickly left the house before he could notice. 
~~~~~~~~~~
The interview went amazingly well, I don’t think I’d ever had an interview go that well in any of my previous jobs, so to say that I was confident in getting a job was an understatement. As I pulled up outside the house, I fully expected to hear S/n crying echoing outside the house as I walked towards it, but I didn’t. In fact I heard nothing but silence. Pure silence, normally people would enjoy the silence but all I could feel was worry. Worry that Will had found out where we were...that he’d hurt Jax and taken S/n, quickly I opened the door and shouted out “Jax”, at first he didn’t appear only making the anxiety I was feeling to grow but when I shouted his name for the second time and he appeared carrying S/n in his arms, with a pleased grin on his face.Relief washed over me as I saw  both of them and I felt my heart swell in my chest as the scene before me. I’d never seen S/n so calm around anyone else other than me, not even my sister or mum, even with them he cried a lot. 
“Hey, darlin’, how’d the interview go,” he asked, moving closer towards me, giving me a kiss on the forehead before passing S/n over to me. God I could get used to this, something about coming home to Jax and S/n just made my heart feel whole. 
“It went amazingly well, actually, I’m feeling really confident about it,” I answered with a smile on my face, as I gave S/n his favourite toy, causing him to giggle in joy. 
“I’m glad, you deserve a win darlin’,” his voice was soft and there was a look in his eye that made the butterflies in my stomach flutter.
“How was he?” I asked, with a slight chuckle in my voice as S/n dropped the toy and started playing with my hair instead. 
“He was as good as gold, barely cried at all,” I knew a confused look must’ve come over my face by the way he chuckled, leaning in closer to me and whispered “No need to look so shocked, darlin’, I’m the baby whisperer,after all.” And with that he grabbed his hoodie which was draped over my chair. I didn’t want him to leave; it was nice having him here. He made me feel safe and loved...just like he used to before I left. 
“Do you wanna stay the night?” it took me a second to realise what I’d just asked, making my heart beat faster in my chest more than I ever thought possible. God, no. This was not what I wanted to do. Well I did. I wanted him to stay. But now I’ve probably just scared him off-of course he doesn’t want to stay...why would he...he-was kissing me-wait-what. I opened my eyes briefly in shock, and he was. Jax Teller was kissing me...and within a few seconds without even really thinking about it, I was kissing him back; it was like we were in our own little bubble. The only thing that brought us back to the real world was the sound of S/n giggling away.
“I’d love to stay the night, darlin’,” he whispered against my lips, causing that familiar blush to appear on my cheeks, as he pulled me and S/n into his embrace. This was a new chapter in my life and no matter what had happened before in the past, I was excited to see how my life with Jax would look like. It was the new start I’d desperately craved for so long...and now I had it. 
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dreamersdreamloud · 4 years ago
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Coming Home To You
Lena Luthor x U.S Marine Reader 
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You’re excited for more than one reason. After an unexpected accident during a secret top mission that had you bedridden for almost a year, you finally get to go home. The military has given you the clearance to fly back to National City and reunite with family and friends for a couple months. 
Your captain was nice enough to convince the higher ups to reconnect and relax before duty calls again. You tried to tell your captain that it wasn’t necessary but you didn’t win the argument and just accepted it. 
“You did good work, Ace. Take the leave. You deserve it.” 
Ace. The nickname your captain gave you. You liked it. The reason he calls you Ace is because you’re one of very few good shooters out there in the Marines. You didn’t believe it yourself but you tend to prove it all the time. From shotguns, rifles, handguns, and arrows. You are a sharp shooter with any weapon you handle. 
“Thank you, Captain.” 
You touched down in National City. The feeling of finally being home is glowing. You play with a small engagement ring attached to your dog tags and look out to the window as the plane makes its way to an unoccupied gate. 
Lena Luthor. Your genius, beautiful loving rich girlfriend is who you want to see first we you get back to the city. The woman you’re planning to propose very soon. Just the thought of making Lena your wife made you smile. 
“Are you married, dear?” 
An elderly woman who was sitting a few seats next to you asked with a sweet caring smile. She caught you playing with the ring with your fingertips. 
“Oh no, ma’am. I’m planning to get married though. Hoping it turns out alright.” You said respectfully 
“The person must be lucky to have you. Her patiences will pay off once you pop the question.” 
You chuckled, “thank you, ma’am. But it seems like I’m the lucky one. She’s the most precious treasure that I have found in my lifetime. I just can’t believe that she’s still with me.” 
“So sweet. I wish you luck on the next chapter of your life.”  
Everyone was getting up from their seats and collecting their luggage. You quickly offered your help to the elderly woman and talked to her a bit more until you parted ways. 
You stopped by your hotel room first to drop off your belongings and take a quick shower to freshen up. You switched to a fresh new pair of your uniform and made yourself look more presentable. You made sure to hide any new war scars you have collected from the past months. 
Next, you stopped at a flower shop and bought Lena’s favorite flowers before heading to her penthouse. You know for a fact that she’s there since it’s a Sunday. She shouldn’t be in L-Corp working. 
You were getting nervous yet eager as the elevator pulled you up to her floor. You pop in a few mints and rapidly chew on them, leaving your mouth extra minty. You don't know how you got off the elevator and made it in front of your girlfriend's door but here you are. Flowers in hand and ready to give Lena a very long passionate kiss. 
You knocked on the door and waited for the woman to answer. The minutes passed we’re feeling extra long. You thought about how she could still be sleeping. You checked your watch before you got here. It remembered that it was already 10AM, she shouldn’t be sleeping in any longer. 
You knocked again. 
After a couple of minutes, you heard her moving towards the door. Lena finally opened it with just half of her body sticking out. 
She looked out of breath but totally shocked once she saw you. You see that she was just wearing one of her thin silk robes. She looks flushed and finds a couple of love bites on her neckline. 
Your feelings of happiness and nervous energy drain out of you. The two of you didn’t utter a word. 
“Hey, honey. Who’s at the door?” A very familiar voice ruined the moment. 
You know that voice. You know who it belongs to. You adjust your eyes behind Lena and find your youngest sister, Kara. She was just wearing sleep shorts and a loose t-shirt. Clearly, she wasn’t wearing a bra underneath since the impression of her hardened nipples could be seen. 
Kara stopped where she stood and gave the same reaction as Lena. 
“(Y/N), I can explain.” Kara spoke out first. 
You produce a dark chuckle. Your world around you is falling apart and burning fast as your anger is building up. 
“Darling, please. Hear me out.” 
You dropped the flowers and looked at the lovers dead in the eye. 
“My girlfriend is cheating on me. . . .” 
“(Y/N).  .” Kara reaches out. 
“NO!” You bark out. “I don’t need your damn explanation. It’s very clear what’s going on here. I can’t believe you two. I know that I was gone for a very long time. Yes I didn’t message you. Yeah I couldn’t tell you that I was caught in an accident and that I was fighting to keep myself alive! . . . I was keeping myself alive because I knew deep down that I wanted to come home to you. . .”
Tears were starting to fall. You felt so vulnerable. Moments of you and your team clinging on to your life while the helicopter crashes down flashes in your mind. Anger was boiling inside you. You hated how that accident happened. You hated that you couldn’t write to your family, friends, and girlfriend that you were in recovery mode. You hated knowing that they possibly thought you were dead to them. 
What you hated the most at the moment was finding your girlfriend cheating with your very own sister. 
“I just can’t believe you two. Lena, my own fucking girlfriend cheating on me. . . What’s very worse is that you’re cheating with my damn sister! My own fucking sister, Lena!” 
You shook your head in disapproval and started to walk away. Lena quickly grabs onto your wrist to stop you from leaving. You turn to her. Looking like a mess with tears running down her face. The look of guilt and disappointment was written all over her. You yank your arm out of her grasp. 
“Don’t bother. I wish both of you good luck with your new loving relationship.” 
Your last words sting your shattered heart. You speed walk to the elevator, ignoring Lena’s pleading cries. When the metal doors were closing, you last saw Kara trying to comfort your ex-girlfriend on the floor but the woman was desperately trying to break away. Kara was stopping her from running after you. 
When the doors finally closed. You broke down even more. Moments of you and Lena spent together flashes within you. You remember your first kiss with her. Your first time having sex together. The time was when she attended your award ceremony. The time where the two of you and your sisters spent the holidays in Midvale. 
Moment after moment adds nails to your heart. You punched and kicked the metal doors as hard as you could. Not caring that you’re damaging private property. You couldn’t feel the pain you were doing to yourself. You just felt numb. 
Tomorrow you’ll feel the pain you have physically brought upon yourself. In all honesty, you rather feel that than your aching heart that’s falling apart. 
You didn’t want to call any of your family members or friends. You wanted to be alone in your hotel room. You open a new bottle of whiskey and drink straight from it. You got out your untraceable cell phone and called one person you like to talk to. 
“Ace?” 
“I want to shorten my leave time.”
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girlwiththereapertattoo · 4 years ago
Text
begin again - part three
Jax Teller x female!Reader
Summary: Y/N and Jax grow closer... I don't know what else to say without revealing spoilers haha
Word count: 4k words
Warnings: very bad language, mentions of blood, physical & verbal abuse, angsty & some fluff
Author's note: I appreciate all the positive feedback I've received this far! It's much appreciated :) also, I'm bad at writing these summaries
If you’re in an abusive relationship or you suspect that someone you know is being abused, speak up and reach out to the correct people!
Beta read by @crucifixedbitch
PART ONE | PART TWO
💀💀💀💀💀
He’s late. The thought brings about a familiar uneasiness and your mind conjures images of a bloodied Jax lying unconscious in some dingy ditch. Jesus Christ.
“Mommy, why did you stop reading?”
S/N’s soft voice draws you back to reality. You look over to his bed where he’s laying beside Abel. “Did I stop reading?”
He giggles, “Yep.”
Oh. You look down at the book in your hand then back up at the boys. “I’m sorry, ace. I guess Mommy’s a bit tired.” And apparently, she’s distracted. You look back down at the book, willing yourself to remember your place.
“Cooper the Cat was stuck in the tree,” he reminds you.
“Right, Cooper the Cat!” your eyes hastily skim through the short paragraphs until you land at the right sentence. “Got it. ‘Help!’ cried Cooper from the tree…”
And just like that, all thoughts of Jax and his safety are shoved to the back of your mind to deal with at a later time. It’s your lucky day today, the boys have had a long day and they’re out before you reach the end of the book.
“I love you, ace,” you whisper to your son after you’ve kissed him goodnight.
It’s because of your love for S/N that you left Jax and the endless bullshit that comes with him. Anxiety-filled nights like this one are a thing of your past and you know you can’t allow yourself to be consumed by thoughts of him. Once you start, there’s no stopping you. You know this, very well, so why is there a sick feeling twisting in your gut? Because a small part of you is still in love with your ex.
Hope blooms when your phone vibrates in your pocket but it’s only B/N. It’s not that you’re not happy to see your boyfriend’s name on your phone screen, but the anxiety’s gnawing at your mind, and you’re desperate for it to be put to sleep. Fortunately for you, B/N’s in high spirits. He’s been frustrated with you lately, and wants you back in Charlotte — his insecurities about Jax are beginning to show.
It’s for that reason that you don’t tell him about S/N’s friendship with Abel.
“This time next week, you and S/N will be back home,” he muses.
“Yeah, we both can’t wait.” You feel disappointed at the realization, “It feels like forever, doesn’t it?”
And S/N has been asking about B/N more and more these days but you don’t tell that to him, afraid that he’ll catch the earliest flight to California. Truthfully, you’re not exactly ready to let Jax out of your life which you’ll be forced to do if B/N’s in Charming. You see, he’s… protective and doesn’t like the idea of you hanging around men. Especially Jax. Hell, he almost stopped you from attending your own mother’s funeral.
Of course, it was under the guise of being the protective boyfriend. “Are you sure it’s safe for you to be in the same town as your violent biker ex?” He said all the right things and did everything in his power to talk you out of the decision but in the end, he failed to convince you to stay away.
“Goodnight, I love you.”
You hang up just in time to hear Jax’s motorcycle pull up out front. The relief is quickly overshadowed by concern when you open the door and are greeted by a bloody-faced Jax.
“I’m late.”
“I’m more concerned about that gash on your brow. Come in.” You open the door wider, “If you’re here to get Abel, he’s asleep. You can fetch him in the morning.”
“Shit.” You step aside to allow him access into the house, “I’m sorry, Y/N, I got caught up in Oakland.”
“It’s fine. S/N was happy to have Abel stay the night.”
He smiles, “Thank you.”
You return his smile, “We should clean that before it gets infected.” Before you can process your actions, you’re leaning closer to take a better look at the cut. “I can’t see much, you should rinse it with water. I’ll go grab the first aid kit.”
“It’s late, I’ll have Chibs take care of the cut.”
“Meet me in the kitchen,” you start for the bathroom, “rinse the cut.”
You grab the first aid kit from the bathroom and find Jax sitting at the breakfast table, pensively staring into space, a half-drunk bottle of water sitting in front of him.
“Here.”
Your voice pulls him from his reverie. His eyes drop to the pill container in your hand and he arches a brow.
“It’s for the pain.”
“Thanks.” He accepts the pills and pops the cap open, “I should’ve called.”
“It’s fine.” You do your best to keep a casualness in your voice when you ask, “What was happening in Oakland? Is everyone okay?”
He gazes at you for a long while before he responds, gauging where your head is at. “Yeah, we’re all fine.”
“Should I be worried?”
He slowly shakes his head, “No.”
You watch him take the pain medication, there are so many questions to ask, questions only Jax has answers to.
“Is it safe for you to be here?”
He swallows the pills and smiles, “I wouldn’t have come if it wasn’t safe. Don’t worry, you and S/N are safe.”
Hesitantly, you nod as you pull a chair from the table. In a bid to lighten the mood, you tell him, “No offense, Jackie, but you look like shit.”
“I feel like shit,” he chuckles.
You take your seat in front of him and suppress the urge to smile, “Who punched your handsome mug?”
“I was pistol-whipped.”
“Ouch.” Scooting forward in your chair, you lean towards Jax to get a better look at the rinsed cut, and for a very brief moment, your eyes lock with his before they dart up to his cut. “It’s like the good ol’ days, isn’t it?”
“You playin’ nurse?”
“Yeah.”
Back in the day, nights like these were common. Jax would sit at this very table, at the very chair he’s sat on, whilst you tended to his cuts and bruises. Mother would be sitting in the living room, hurling insults at both you and Jax. She would take any chance to remind you that you were making a mistake you would regret for the rest of your life.
“Your mom hated me.”
Your eyes lock with his, “In her defense, you would always be finding ways to antagonize her.”
And in return, your mother would call Jax all kinds of names but even that wouldn’t keep him away. Nothing ever could keep him from you. Memories of Jax sneaking into your room late at night come to mind. “I had to come kiss my girl goodnight,” he’d tell you.
“We were pretty wild back then,” you reminisce.
And you were madly in love with each other, however, you keep that part to yourself. The situation’s complicated enough without the added layer. You’ve barely mustered the courage to mention B/N’s existence to Jax because, in all honesty, you’re not quite sure how he might react to another man raising his son. The thought of his reaction fills you with dread. Heaven knows he’ll give you a hard time about leaving next week.
Gah, it’s all too much! With a shake of your head, you dismiss all thoughts and grab the ointment from the kit. “Shall we?”
He nods and shuts his eye for you to apply it on the cut. A silence descends upon the kitchen and neither of you makes an effort to fill it.
“You’re good to go,” you announce once you’re done.
“Thanks.”
“I couldn’t risk it getting infected.”
More than anything, you don’t want S/N to see Mommy’s friend sporting cuts on his face. He’ll ask questions, probably mention it to B/N, and you’re not looking to have that drama in your life.
“Are you hungry? I’m assuming you haven’t had your dinner…”
“Nah, but I should get going.”
Your mood deflates at his announcement. The truth is you don’t want him to leave but how do you stop him without giving him the wrong idea? Why are you even stopping him from leaving?
“Stay,” you blurt out.
“Stay?”
“Yeah, there’s the guest bedroom. It’s late and you’re medicated and you shouldn’t be driving and–”
“I have nothing to wear.”
“Sure you do.” You take a breath to compose yourself, “I was cleaning out the closets the other day and I found some of your old stuff. They’re clean, I uh, washed them. Everything is oversized, they should still fit you.”
You had intended to take them to Goodwill and you will but right now, Jax needs them.
“Look, I would never forgive myself if something happened to you.”
It isn’t a lie but it isn’t the full truth. Honestly? You just want him near you. It’s wrong, and you understand the implications and know that B/N won’t be happy should he find out, but one night wouldn’t be harmful to anyone, right? Besides, he’ll be sleeping in the guest bedroom.
He thoughtfully considers your proposition. After a stretched silence, he reluctantly accepts your offer.
“Great,” you perk up, “I’ll warm up your dinner.”
You make some conversation over dinner, none of the heavy shit, mostly catching up on all you’ve missed in the four years you’ve been away. He tells you about the club, and that Opie met someone and they’re now married.
“And how about you? Is there anyone special in your life?”
He doesn’t answer your question, not that you expect him to. You just can’t help but be curious. After dinner, he heads over to the bathroom to take his shower whilst you load the dishwasher and dig through the laundry to look for Jax’s old t-shirts and sweats. The guilt sets in and you fight the urge to call B/N to tell him about Jax.
You’re dialing his number when you stop yourself. “Geez, Y/N!” you toss your phone into the laundry basket and step back to create distance between you and the device. Think about this. The last thing you need is B/N bulldozing into Charming and starting shit with Jax and the M.C. — that could be fatal. No, Jax staying the night is you helping out an old friend, there’s nothing more to it.
Grabbing the folded pile of clothing, you make your way down the hall to the guest bedroom and find Jax waiting patiently on the bed for you. Nothing but a towel tied around his waist.
“I should’ve knocked, I’m sorry.”
He rises off the bed and that’s when you get a clear view of his torso, and the tattoo inscribed on his ribcage.
“You’ve proved your point, Jax, now let’s go.” “No, why?” You look over your shoulder to the big, tattooed man standing over by the counter, laughing at whatever joke he’s just been told. You’re at some grimy tattoo parlor, somewhere in Reno, and Jax’s about to get your name tattooed on his body. His ribcage to be exact. The sentiment is sweet, you admit, but it’s a permanent decision, and you’re only 17. You look back at Jax who’s now laying shirtless on the tattoo chair, “Do you realize how insane this is?” He smiles brightly as he shakes his head. “Do you have a death wish? Gemma’ll kill us both when she sees this.” Part of her rage will be due to the fact that it’s your name on his ribcage instead of hers. “And what if they find out we’ve lied about our age?” “Babe, will you relax? They won’t, this place is a dump.” Which is exactly why he shouldn’t get his first-ever tattoo done here. “There’s no talking you out of this, huh?” “No.” He laces his fingers with yours and raises your hand to press a kiss to its back, “This is what I want to do. I don’t care what my mom thinks.” “And the pain? You don’t care about that either?” He shakes his head, “No.” You glance at the stencil transfer on his ribcage and sigh. “I know you don’t have to do this–” “I want to do this.” “And there’s clearly no talking you out of this.” “Yeah.” You squeeze his hand and flash him a reassuring smile, “Do you want me to hold your hand?” His smile returns, brighter than ever, “I’d appreciate it, darlin’.” “You’re insane, you know that, right?” He nods. “Only because I love you.” You lean over to lock your lips in a kiss — you don’t doubt it for a second.
You pry your eyes from his torso, forcing yourself to face the now smirking Jax. Right, his clothes!
You hold out the pile to him, “Did you put your clothes in the hamper?”
He accepts them and murmurs ‘thanks’ before he responds to your question. “Yeah, just like you said.”
“Okay,” you fight off the urge to look down at his ribcage. He kept it. “I’ll see you in the morning. Goodnight Jax.”
Spinning on your heels, you scurry out the room before you do something you’ll regret later.
💀💀💀💀💀
“Mommy! Come see!”
S/N and Abel’s laughter sounds from the living room. Saturday mornings have always been your favorite. Sleeping in is always a winner in your books, a vital part of any Saturday routine, and once you’re up, B/N takes S/N out of the house whilst you prepare breakfast. Last weekend was S/N’s first Saturday away from B/N and he was miserable. This Saturday is different.
“Mommy?” More laughter sounds, “You will miss it!”
Lowering the heat, you abandon your cooking and make your way over to the living room. A slouched Jax is taking up most of the three-seater with S/N and Abel on either side of him, all three pairs of eyes fixed on the television screen.
“What’s got you laughing so much, ace?” You take a seat on the armrest and press a kiss to the top of your son’s head. “Beaky Buzzard?”
“Yeah.” He looks up at you, “Are you coming to sit with us?”
“No, Mommy’s got to make breakfast.”
You’d like nothing more than to stick around and watch cartoons with them but there’s breakfast to prepare. When you walk back into the kitchen, you discover your phone vibrating on the counter and you just know it’s B/N. It’s his fifth attempt in the last half-hour, probably looking to speak to S/N, but that just isn’t a good idea. Not when Jax is in the house. You’re being deceitful to both parties, but the timing just isn’t right.
B/N would lose it if he found out about Jax’s regular visits, and you don’t know how Jax would react to B/N’s existence in your life and the role he plays in your son’s life. It would ruin a perfectly good morning. The day got off to a good start with the news of the sale of your childhood home, and your son’s mood is the best it’s been all week. Why would you even think to ruin it by starting trouble with B/N?
It’s not worth it. You’ll just have to come up with a story to tell him later.
“Breakfast is served!”
The boys come barreling in and take their places at the breakfast table. You assist the two youngest boys to plate up their food before you plate up for yourself. Everyone digs into the food, and the compliments you receive are a definite boost for the ego. You listen intently as S/N and Abel excitedly recount the Looney Tune episode they’d watched earlier and S/N’s beside himself with laughter.
The happy moment is disrupted by the unwelcomed vibration of your phone on the counter.
“Is that Daddy calling?”
Shit! You wince at the name ‘Daddy’. It’s what S/N always calls B/N but somehow, it doesn’t feel right when Jax’s sitting across the table from him.
“Mommy?”
“Yeah, ace?” you look over to him, very aware of Jax’s eyes burning into the back of your head.
“Is that Daddy calling?”
“No, it’s probably the estate agent.” It’s not a convincing lie, but you’re caught off guard and can’t come up with something better. “She’s calling about the house.”
“When is Daddy calling?”
“Probably later.” You hate that you’re being so dismissive. “We’ll call him after Abel and Jax leave, okay?”
He looks like he might ask another question, maybe press for a better answer, but he resumes eating his food. You avoid Jax’s eyes for the remainder of breakfast. He helps you clear the table and load the dishwasher in painful silence. Once Jax has helped you load the dishes, he leaves you alone in the kitchen. Can the morning get any worse? Apparently, it can. You unlock your phone to find multiple texts from an irate B/N.
He didn’t take kindly to you ignoring all ten of his calls. Shit. You’re on the verge of tears when Jax saunters into the kitchen.
“Abel and I are leaving.”
You nod, unsure of how to respond. “You’ll ride on your bike with Abel?”
“No. Ratboy’s waiting out front with the van.”
“Ratboy?”
“The new prospect.”
“And will we see Abel tomorrow?”
His impassive expression says it all. Your gut twists with anxiety at the thought of not seeing Jax again before you leave Charming. How do you make this right?
“Do you want to talk about it?”
He slowly shakes his head. Just then S/N and Abel sprint into the kitchen, bustling with energy. Abel hugs you goodbye before the boys run back out of the kitchen and out of the house onto the front yard.
“I’m leaving my bike here. I’ll come by to get it later.”
“Cool. Yeah, that’s fine.”
You walk Jax out, and just like he’d said, Ratboy is waiting out front in a black van. Together with S/N, you watch Jax and Abel climb into the van and drive off.
“Can we call Daddy now?”
“Yeah, let’s go,” you lift him up and carry him towards the house. “Did you have a good time with Abel?”
He nods his little human head, a bright grin plastered on his perfect face. Once inside the house, you dial B/N’s number but he doesn’t pick up, in fact, it seems his phone’s off. Strange.
“I think his phone’s off, ace.”
His face falls. In an effort to brighten his mood, you suggest driving over to the playground.
“When is Abel coming back to play?”
You inwardly sigh. It looks like today’ll be one long ass day.
💀💀💀💀💀
The last person you expect to find standing on the other side of your front door is B/N and yet here he is, and he looks anything but pleased with you. Oh, shit. Your heart sinks at the sight of him, the chill of fear coursing through your body, and your mouth dries.
“B/N?”
His unsettling smile causes the hairs on the back of your neck to raise. “Hi, Toots. Aren’t you going to invite me in?”
Your movement’s robot-like as you step away from the door to make way for him. He walks past you, and once inside, his eyes search around the small space.
“Are you home alone?”
You seem to have forgotten how to speak.
“Toots?”
“S/N… He’s, uh… He’s asleep.”
He murmurs a soft ‘good’ before he turns around to pull you into an embrace. For a moment, you stand frozen, your brain seized up and you feel like a foreigner in your own body.
“What’s the matter, Toots? You don’t look too happy to see me. Were you expecting someone else?”
Yes. “No.” Moving one arm at a time, you return B/N’s embrace and do your best to calm your nerves. You’ve done nothing wrong, he’s not going to hurt you, you repeat over and over until he releases you from his hold. “I just wasn’t expecting you to come all this way.”
“It’s only a five-hour flight.”
Why the fuck are you here?
As if he read your mind, he tells you. “I missed you guys so much, I thought I’d surprise you,” with a tight smile, he adds, “You’re not very good at answering my calls.”
“I’m sorry.”
B/N hauls his luggage from the porch and dumps it onto the floor before he makes his way over to the living room. You follow slowly behind him, watching as he settles onto the couch and searches for the television remote.
“C-can I get you anything?”
“Join me,” it’s an order.
You drag your feet over to the couch and take your place next to him. Casually, he slings an arm over your shoulder and forcefully pulls you into his side.
“There. Now you’re close.”
You can’t bring yourself to fake a smile. Too petrified. He presses a kiss to the side of your head and whispers into your ear to relax.
“I’m not going to hurt you.”
He’s told you that lie far too many times in the past.
“Are you enjoying being back in Charming?”
You nod, the words caught in your throat.
“What are you? Mute? Use your fucking words, Toots.”
“It’s good to be back.” Your voice is shaky, barely recognizable. “I missed it here”
His fingers start stroking up and down your upper arm. “Good.”
Your eyes fix on the blank television screen in front of you.
“Is he here? Is he hiding in one of the rooms?”
“Who?”
“Your white trash biker ex!”
You jump up, surprised by him raising his voice so suddenly. “Jax? No! Why would he be here?”
“You lying piece of shit,” he spits out, shoving you away from him, the force sending you to the ground. “I saw his bike parked out front. I’ll ask you again, is he here?”
“No, B/N,” tears fill your eyes, you know exactly what’s to follow but still, you plead, “Don’t do this here. Not now, please, baby.”
“Shut up!” He raises to his feet, towering over you, and kicks at your trembling frame. “No one’s touched you, why the fuck are you crying?”
“I’m sorry.” You swipe the tears from your cheeks. “I’m so sorry, baby. I don’t… I don’t know whose bike that is.”
“Are you cheating on me, you whore?”
Frantically, you shake your head.
“I said use your fucking words.”
You bring a trembling hand to your mouth to muffle your sobs.
“I asked you a question, you dumb bitch!”
“No. No. No.” You crawl over to him, closing the distance between you. “I’d never, baby. Never ever.”
“That doesn’t explain why a bike’s parked outside your house.”
“B/N, please,” you plead softly. “S/N’s asleep, we can do this another–”
The words are lost when he harshly grabs your face and shoves you onto your back. Both hands cover your mouth to muffle your pained cries. He’s vicious, and tonight, he’s out for blood.
“Get up, you–”
Knock, knock, knock! You’ve never been more relieved in your life. B/N shoots you a warning glare, daring you to make a move. A few moments later, the knocks sound again, a little louder this time around.
“Y/N?”
It’s Jax. You are faced with two decisions: do you call for Jax to help you or do you take your deserved punishment?
“Y/N?” he knocks louder. “Are you in there?”
You’re sobbing so much, your body’s trembling. B/N kneels beside you, placing two additional hands over the ones already covering your mouth. His additional weight pushes your head further into the hard ground, causing your head to hurt. It’s sure to leave a bruise. With a final knock, Jax gives up and some moments later, you hear his motorcycle ride off. Once he’s certain Jax’s left, B/N removes his hands.
“Why is he here at this hour?”
“I don’t know.” You gasp when he wraps his hand around your neck and applies pressure, making it difficult for you to breathe. “B/N, please…”
“You’ll regret cheating on me,” he murmurs softly before his hand connects with your cheek in a hard slap.
💀💀💀💀💀
PART FOUR
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