#when did school become so fucking shit
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im so dumb i hate school
FUCK
#supposed to be doing homework rn#i hate this so much#why cant i fucking think#im supposed to be smart#im supposed to know this#why cant i just write the fucking essay#i am so unmotivated#fuck this shit#when did school become so fucking shit#send help#im so tired#ok ill finish the homework but i am not putting any effort into this#stfu thomas ur not funny#ok bye now
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Ok so these designs are cute as hell, the Internet is just mean
I have too many thoughts about a game I still need to watch
#goodbye volcano high#i dont have the money to buy it but god i need to watch a playthrough when i have time it's so interesting to me#like; the theme of 'yeah we're going die but that doesn't mean we can enjoy what time we have left' sounds amazing to me love that#its so funny i was actually watching a review of it that was basically 'this game sucks and here's why'#and then it just started listing off shit like- 'the characters designs are pastel they're nonbinary you die no matter what'#and then my neurons just went off and went '👁️👁️ oh! sounds amazing i want to see more'#fuck yeah pastel nonbinary dinosaurs lets go#well i think its just fang thats nonbinary and then two other trans characters#i saw a cutscene! and it was about the experiences of being an apart of a family as sec-gen immigrant and trans-#and i thought that was cool as hell dont recall ever seeing that in any of thr arts ive seen before (but there's lots of art out there!)#heard it got some glitches tho (havent looked in depth of what those glitches are) hopefully it got patched out#also im so fucking pissed i saw the gator game before i saw this 😮💨 (context; apparently made by people who made a fangame where they#the mc of this game a datable side character and they only have a happy ending if they detransition? which fucking yikes😬)#i saw people say 'oh but they did it empathetically' like how the fuck is taking a canon nb character and making them only happy through#detransitioning empathetic that sounds super fucking shitty and gross#i think a character that detransitions can be done and would be interesting to see- but this just reeks of people being transphobic for real#oh also purple dino has a slug or worm or something apparently! seems cute! just a lil thing#apparently its a rhythm game; listened to some of the songs and it sounded good! sadly i suck at rhythm games#but apparently failing doesn't affect the story? kinda wish it would but honestly better for me lol-#pink one and fang end up dating i believe- from what i saw pink is like- soft spoken artist? dunno if accurate but she's cute#all the characters are cute just look at them!!! awesome#also they have to just continue school like normal before they die and honestly thats so real#also saw people dislike the fact you dont see the characters actual die or the meteor#which is ??? dunno i just think some things are better left implied than shown-#anyways man i keep trying to find neat stuff about the game and all i see is people bitchin about it or praising the shit fan on instead 😔#man if i had two nickles for a time i grew to become obsessed with a media only for loads of people to hate id have two nickles#first nickle is kat elliot she's such a cool character Internet wasn't ready for her#also yes i saw obsessed i can just tell this is something ill go bonkers for#i mean god look how much text is in my tags for this already! and i still need to see the game in it's fullness!#im sure there's other cool shit
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(muth being music theory!)
#FUCK IT MY OWN EDITION OF THE ODDLY SPECIFIC POLLS BC THESE ARE FUN#me when i've been obsessed with space/time stuff since i was a KID its more an interest than hyperfixation rn but man.#media with any of those?? i am OBSESSED (star wars rottmnt movie etc etc) like i hyperfixated on dr who for a year in middle school#the skateboard one is so funny. in high school my guard instructor saw me with a friend's pennyboard & immediately said no.#me when i was notoriously clumsy in middle + high school so everyone i knew was like. “this is a bad idea” when i did anything#my first semester of college i bought a longboard off someone then 5months later i turned around & ate SHIT it was so funny in retrospect#anyway fun sage lore i have only ever heavily injured the left side of my body. my knee + elbow and the SAME FUCKING TOOTH. TWICE.#also i have a high pain tolerance. like idk how or when but in middle school it just got Really Strong. me when i injure myself and just#live with it for a year before it becomes a concern and i get told to get an xray (i will live with a fractured knee the rest of my life)#also when i fell off my skateboard and ate shit my first concern was “ah fuck my glasses did i break my nose” and#“nah my elbow isnt broken! my arm is just rly sore from how i landed on it” (readers. it was in fact fractured.)#like i literally went “no im fine we dont need to tell my mom or go to the er” and my friends said “call your mom and go to the er”#me spitting out my tooth and blood bc i also busted my lip: that hurt. time to hobble back to my dorm.#anyway hiding this one in the tags bc i will never not just ignore my issues LMAO did it with my ptsd dx and i will continue to do it#another incredibly hyperspecific thing: oh this doesnt seem normal! im gonna ignore it and hope it goes away#these symptoms match up to something? nah i'm sure it's not that! (proceeds to get dx'd with ptsd five months later)
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genuinely so angry and scared im shaking. how many other times this week this month this year have i been exposed without knowing it. do people even tell each other anymore. it’s just so grim. it’s so fucking grim
#purrs#delete later#covid19#i am fighting for my fucking life every day to stay safe and to keep the people around me some of whom are disabled / chronically ill /#immunocompromised / medically vulnerable safe. i am fucking fighting for my life. it’s already hard that i am usually one of two people in#any given room still wearing a mask let alone an n95 mask. hard and bad enough that we get looks for wearing masks and people think im crazy#for my life still being on hold and for my family still basically never going anywhere. ITS FUCKING WORSE that we are still very much in the#throes of all of it and we are in constant physical and quite frankly EXISTENTIAL danger not only of getting sick / becoming (more)#disabled / literally fucking dying but also returning to the absolute hell of lockdown which while important was psychologically damaging in#ways that are difficult to even articulate. like not only have we as a society decided to not give a shit about unpacking all of that and#healing from the trauma and assuming everyone went through the same thing when we very much did not and to just send everybody back to#school and work because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 but we have ALSO decided to pretend like the freakish unceasing danger just doesn’t exist#anymore and to get rid of every tool we had available to keep us safe or at minimum make people have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to#access them because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 !!!!!!! im TIRED. im so fucking tired of it. i am so fucking exhausted and angry and scared. and i#HAVE the luxury and privilege of being able to afford n95 masks and covid tests and to be able to work a job that i can do remotely if i#need to and to not be disabled or immunocompromised. what makes me fucking furious is we decided to throw all the people who don’t have#that access or privilege under the fucking bus and forget about them lol. but what do you expect from a country rotten to its core the way#it is lol. im fucking despondent. why are we living in an incinerator.#* the lockdown(s) werent just important they were necessary. and arguably we should have another one even though if we do i genuinely fear#for my mental health both during and afterwards and quite frankly before. im tired. i am grateful for the life i live which has resulted in#part from the different things that have happened because of the pandemic but i also so desperately wish this never happened and every day I#think about what life would be like if it hadn’t happened. the grief of it all is unspeakably big.
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#I feel a little like I’m losing my passion for plants#not that I don’t still LOVE my plants#but like I don’t need to spend hours on the weekends messing with them anymore#I have so many other things I’m doing that make me happy#I don’t have a hole in my life to fill with plants#there isn’t as much NEED there anymore#and I kind of….. don’t mind#Bridger and I are happy and I love my job#we love to hang out together and basically spend all day on the weekends and all evening every day talking#and playing games and snuggling and having fun and listening to records#I feel so much more fulfilled than I did when I was lonely in school#like I’m so much more ‘well then fuck you too!’ when people say stupid shit when I give advice on social media#I used to feel the need to explain everything and I spent a lot of time moderating the plant group#and i really wanted my book to become a huge thing#but now it’s kind of like….. I tinker around with stuff when I feel like it#I will get on the plant group once every few weeks instead of every few hours#I’m just living life man
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the older i get the more confused i become in regards to my identity.
#z escribe#i have been aware that i was adopted from a young age. heck i knew before my mom told me because i watched the health channel#and i rmbr they showed a skin color chart and i pieced together...two white parents don't equal a brown kid#and i thought that the colorblind mindset was a proper one to be brought up with. obviously not as i experienced racism in elementary.#and was extremely confused why 'other' white kids didn't see me as white either...well no shit you're not white baby aza#and i went through a radical phase during middle school. hating all white people. but then my mom's white fragility deterred me from that#as any time i would voice my anger she would... quite literally in tears... try to reason with me and be like ''but i'm white people...#do you hate me?'' to which i would always have to soothe her. and honestly i have become comfortable in identifying with mixed.#it is a comfortable identity because i have grown up without any specific culture (outside of american. which. how does one even begin to#define the complexities of such an identity... the way that american as a nationality transcends as it becomes a civil religion.)#anyways. i have been thinking about a guy at a party and our conversations. and how we got to our identities and i instantly...#out of habit really. told him ''well i'm half mexican or indigenous too... but i mean it's not like i'm really latin.'' and he was like.#''no azaria. you are. don't diminish yourself and your ancestors just because you weren't able to grow up around that culture''#his comment made me think about my identity once again after a long time of not wondering what it means to be Me.#and i recently submitted a paper for an internship. and god. i was reading it to my white mom. and after i read the concluding paragraph#she asked me to read it again. to which i did. and then after a pause she sighed and said i was being ''too angry''#and when i asked her to elaborate she simply said ''well it makes it sound as if white people are evil''#mind you. my application paper is about working at a museum for african american/black art preservation. like. art history is so deeply#saturated with colonialism and racism??? and she just chose to ignore that point of my paper and focus on me critiquing her fellow white#people. and to categorize me as the 'angry black person' are you Fucking kidding me. but then even with that she was like.#''i just don't get why you're so angry. you're not even black. i mean. you don't look black at all. you look mexican''#she constantly wants my identity to be simple. to be watered down. to be digestible.#i am the product of a biracial mother and fully latin/indigenous father. that is the truth of my identity. i will NEVER be perceived as#white.#but after that i just felt so incredibly shitty and called my sister and she told me what our mom said to her that day too. and i said#something along the lines of ''sometimes i feel as if mom thinks we owe her for adopting us.'' and my sister agreed.#it broke me. it really did. to know that i am not being overdramatic in my thoughts. to know that i am not simply being ungrateful.#my sister says that she copes with it by reasoning that our parents are born in the 40s and times were a lot different then. but it is hard#for me to constantly excuse their racism and ignorance towards my identity. both regarding my queerness and ethnicity.#i am so tired. so so tired.
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i am getting paid very little to sub but i very much do care about whats going on with these kids and i wanna leave them all with something good
#i wanna do more research into stuff im bad at but i also am paid SO VERY LITTLE#jordan talks#even if i become a teacher like ill still not be paid a ton#but rn its like basically 11$/hour which is …….. not great haha#and i wanna improve the sub program so bad#like give us some extra paid trainings so we arent fucking up the kids#also rip to the school system in this state i know it is kind of horrible#i want there to be more engagement with the kids of color!#and i dread when our conservative government starts trying to band books n shit like in florida#i know they have tried it in my hometown in another state#and i know they already passed that bill banning trans girls from girls sports#even when we fought SO HARD against it#hhh#i did at one point think about running for school board when i got older bc#the candidates Suck#anyway#i do like it it does feel fulfilling i love being able to tell my bf about all the silly things the kids did when i get home#i am still not sure what grade levels id prefer#high school gets up way to early but i might consider it if i can skip having a first period lmfao#I do love little kids in elementary but it is so difficult to get them to listen lol#middle school is like a good compromise but they are also . going through such a weird and rough time in their lives#elementary school teachers should be millionaires
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fondly thinking about my best friend.
no idea how she's managed to stick it out with me this far but i'm amazed that after over 6 years she still has enough patience to tolerate me.
when i don't feel like i'm good enough, she reminds me of who i am. when i make mistakes, she doesn't treat me any different. when i'm highly dysphoric, she just /gets/ it and shows me unrelenting support and encouragement. she's my #1 hypeman, and i am hers.
there isn't another person in the world that's been able to make me feel even.. remotely okay in my own skin, about how i look and how a body feels (i would also say about who i am, but i'd be lying).
i realize that i've always had a bit of body dysmorphia and generally don't enjoy looking at my own face because it's.. very uncanny to me. i don't have a proper sense of style. but she always just?? has something nice to say and she does it so genuinely that you can actually believe that she means what she says. because she's the same.
i'll go out looking like a 12 year old boy and she's just. fucking. there for it. she'll cheer for it. do it with me. and then we'll walk around the block looking like two lil' dudebros together because we own the same clothes. and fucking hell.
this girl is too good to me. i absolutely don't deserve her.
sometimes it's hard to believe that someone like her exists.
and that i get to be witness to it.
there's caveats, of course. we talk so rarely (we go weeks without), the interests we share are few and far between and there's.. so many things i could never tell her because i will never get over that fear of losing her.
there is no right moment and there isn't a time and those are things i neither need nor want her to know, because it would change the way she sees me.
and i guess that seems callous and detached and dishonest.
but we are there when it matters. i am there when she needs me and i will always pick up her pieces.
i want her to have a good thing. she sees me as a good thing.
so i'll let her have me this way.
#the one person i've not yet managed to hurt and i don't think i ever fucking will#i'd throw myself off a damn cliff first#this girl just saw me one day when i showed up to school. decided i /seemed/ too cool for school and adopted me over the summer.#like what. how. i am THE lamest guy™ AND SHE somehow STILL thinks i'm cool what a nerd UGH#it's just sad that we're at the point where we have little to tell each other because our lives are so different & we live far apart#at least we can take naps with each other and just chill out when we meet. we can just.. be in the moment together and enjoy it.#and that is still. everything.#also like. i generally don't take selfies but i did a few days ago because i thought i looked kinda cool and i told her about it and#she really wanted to see & she is the only person i'd ever send selfies to and she just...#'bug those last three could work as a hot fuckboy tinder profile' LOL bless her that's the funniest shit i've ever heard#IDK IT'S that thing where you love and care so much for someone that they become infiniely more attractive than they are at first glance?#but she's the only person that i'd ever actually be able to believe. because she is so fucking genuine.#i'll also never get over the fact that she is the smartest and most studious person i know but listens to the most anti social german rap#like LMAO okay girl! you go! i hate it but i love you#it's just a funny contrast that she listens to the filthiest shit imaginable hahaha#personal
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One of My favorite writing skills I have is that I am Excellent at paralleling scenes to later and earlier scenes and weaving in my main idea to So much dialogue and Subtle action scene shit (in part Because My mind likes to parallel 1 scene I work on to another I've already written or will write)
So like. I love parallels so when I reread my stuff it's such a joy to find all the foreshadowing treasures and Main Idea getting hammered home just throughout everything
#rant#writing#mejo writing#i think. it has to do with me thinking of scenes like acting or play scenes in my head#so the character Motive or Goal should parallel their future arc Or tell u about their past arc up to this point etc#anyway i was having SUCH a writers block for my original shit when last night#my brain was like OKAY open on a parallel to where the story heads LATER.#once i did that? easy! RIDICULOUSLY easy#i think i cracked the code on how to push myself thru writers blocks!#i was like: okay so LATER he falls for a bad guy he will try to kill#but rn hes in high school and plot just started: rhe bully he will later date shoves him into a locker#and he yells IM GONNA KILL YOU and. YES THAT WAS IT#thats what i needed! the parallel!#the young innocence of a teen not meaning it and a Bad Guy future love interest whos mostly just another dumb teen once the plot kicks off.#but LATER that teen will become an adult who DOES plan to kill someone. who Does mean that phrase. who Does fall for a bad guy but a REAL#threat to the world. a seriously awful person.#that was the parallel i needed to figure out how the fuck to structure these scenes
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I am once again sad that a person I bonded with in a dream is not real
#ALEX. where are you and who are youuuu#okay so the dream was crazy. like.. coherent by my usual standards but still ridiculous#i was back at high school but was the age i am now & i was attending a class in ‘business and employment’ which was supposed to help us all#get jobs and learn skills. but in reality the vast majority of the people in the class (including myself) were in mlm schemes#(multi-level marketing before anyone gets confused with the acronym)#myself and the entirety of my high school friend group (about 8 or 9 people) formed the largest faction and we were selling fragrances#for exactly the sort of company you would expect. anyway. i’d been elected manager even though someone else in the group (who actually sells#this shit irl lol) had recruited me & another person’s mom had invested money into it so that none of us had to actually buy inventory#and i was so uncomfortable and ashamed. i was like ‘okay i’ll just do this for a month and then bounce so i can at least get work/management#experience’. so i was very much checked out when everyone was brainstorming ideas for how to come up with a brand & sell it#the only thing i did notice is that there was this guy named alex who was pretty much reporting us whenever we breathed. an example would be#we wanted to call ourselves ‘lions’ but apparently that was the name of an lgbt society in the area that was important to him#so he complained to the teacher/facilitator about us and we couldn’t use lions. and our whole group was complaining about him#but i was thinking ‘fuck i hope he gets us shut down’. he seemed like a nice guy and the stuff people started saying was borderline#homophobic so i had to be the one to shut them down like ‘hey i’m bi as well and i’m your fucking manager. any more of that and you can find#yourself a new job’#so anyway. next thing that happened was the facilitator was like ‘okay we seem to have pretty much been taken over by mlm schemes BUT here#is a list of people in the class who do not want to be recruited & their reasoning. just so you can take note’ and she does a presentation#of course it starts with alex and his ideological opposition to mlms; but there are other people like a girl who has a large academic#workload. but it becomes apparent that alex is the one who rallied them all together to spread dissent. so i went over to talk to him#(for some reason he was now hiding in a tent) and i was like ‘yes alex!!!! can i shake your hand?’ and he was puzzled but he let me#then i stood up and said ‘can i just say something. everyone has great reasons for not wanting to be recruited and as a manager; i want to#say that if i catch any of my employees trying to recruit anyone on the do not recruit list for any reason; you will be fired immediately’#of course this causes a schism. but it also causes me and alex to end up having a heart-to-heart where he’s like ‘why are you even part of#one of these things’ and i’m like ‘honestly i just want legitimate work experience’ and he’s like ‘i can think of so many more legitimate#jobs. including like. fly-tipping. i’d rather have that on my cv than scentsy’ and i was like ‘you’re so right’#and then i woke up thinking ‘god i’m going to have to go door to door selling this shit’ but then i realised i actually didn’t#and i was so happy#it has motivated me to go back to job-hunting though because my god.#that five minutes when i thought i was going to have to traverse the neighbourhood dressed like an idiot and selling wax melts? bleak.
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one of the biggest things that makes me annoyed with connie is just... well everything. but her choosing to spend every second of every day 'studying for college' when shes barely even 15 pisses me off soooo fucking much.
literally abandons every and everything else to sit and study with only 5-10 minute breaks. for college. that she isn't even in yet.
#i think about this often. it genuinely eats away at me how mad this one aspect of her 'character' makes me#like i sit down to take a morning shit and i think about how stupid it was for them to make her study for college when shes 14.#she isnt even a character to me bc she has just no personality#she is just 'book and sword girl'#and again theres no excuse for her to be so one dimensional when sh ewas WRITTEN BY MULTIPLE WOMEN.#and every other female character is so multi faceted and well written#but somehow they managed to completely drop the ball on connie#somehow they did worse humanizing a literal human girl than they did an alien species#(future is ~2 years after the show; in which steven is 14 and connie is 12. therefore she is a freshman in highschool in future.#and she's studying for college.#girl why dont you study for the actual school youre in right now.)#like studying for college 4 years before you eeven have the CHANCE to go in to college is not going to make you graduate college faster#yes people do graduate a year early#but thats a year.#and it's usually for masters degrees. ive rarely ever seen anyone graduate w/ their bachelors early.#and again. studying four years in the future before you even have the ability to ENTER college is fucking stupid#full stop#i know they show it to make her seem like a really smart and strong female character#but it just makes her look beyond stupid.#omg i just realized thats why i hate this and why i hate her after she starts sword fighting.#bc she just becomes a 'strong smart female character' archetype. she doesnt have any personality after that point#shes just there to fill a niche and a character template.#which again. is depressing because it's a story written mostly by women.#and almost the entire cast is women.#and all those other female characters are written SO well.#we have strong gems. smart gems. quirky gems. failcringe gems. smart AND strong gems#but they couldnt get a single human girl right.
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When we were kids, we didn't have access to cool power tools. Every summer, when the soapbox derby race was coming, we'd break into my neighbour's garage while he was at work. Then, we'd use his drill press, lathe, table saw, all the fun tools. Over the course of a week, a race car was produced, which is more than the workshop ever made during the rest of the year.
Sure, we could have asked him if we could have borrowed his tools, but no doubt he would want to be there to supervise. And then he'd want to help. We'd never get done while we were busy indulging the suburb-tinged fantasies of someone who didn't take wood shop and chose instead to idly worship at the altar of Television Presents: The Fantasy of Bob Vila in adulthood.
One year, Old Man Garrett got a security system. Probably this was because Ted (fucking Ted) didn't clean up the sawdust that one time like we asked him to. The old man must have seen the footprint, and realized that he did not wear size-seven Nikes. Child thieves, casing his precious table saw! Now, our humble breaking-and-entering had become significantly more difficult than "reach a coat hanger under the door and pull the emergency release."
With the help of some of the high-school kids who were taking electronics class, we managed to defeat the security system. We did so using an ancient Japanese technique known as "distract Old Man Garrett while he's setting it, and then cut the wires to the panel." I think it loses something in translation, but you get the gist of it. That year's car was especially sweet.
In adulthood, I got drunk and bragged to some work buddies about our little scam. They responded in abject horror, because I was still occupying the weird hump in the middle of a normal distribution of "acceptable crimes." It was terrifying to them to see one of their own, one of the suburbanites, speak openly about largely-harmless property crimes. What if we had been hurt, they shrieked. Around the water cooler, I would become a pariah, unless I could make amends.
I did hunt down Old Man Garrett after that, still feeling the sting of rejection. He was still on the property, and he still had a beautiful collection of immaculate cabinet-making tools in the garage. I rang his doorbell and, when he answered, I told him the whole story. He laughed.
"I knew it was you dumb shits from the beginning," he bragged. "Fucking Ted -"
"Fucking Ted," I echoed, unconsciously.
"Fucking Ted left his library book on building race cars behind on the workbench that first year. You didn't let him drive, did you?"
I shook my head. "We ran the car into him if the hockey-stick brakes ever failed."
We had a good laugh about the whole thing that evening, and I returned to work with my soul cleansed. It's just a pity Ted didn't know how bad he actually was at crime, before he tried to knock over that liquor store and all.
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i hate change id rather die
#people arent sticking to their usual selves stop messing w my mind#havent talked to some friends in a while and theyre wildly dif and its making me so irritated can we go back to how we were before#my obsession of waiting by the phone until someone messages me first is coming back in the worst way possible#the coincidences with k stopped and i barely even see him anymore and his clothing style is changing???#hes becoming more normal popular whatever and its so boring please i need a loser boy go back to being that#mb i cant sleep and feelings are coming back but in a weirder way and i have like 2 projects due tmr im not done w and test#i need more friends but in the way of being irl that i can wave at during school and send them videos without talking fr#serenity wake up and come home bro literally ditch school just for me 🙏 believe in u bbg#omg sid is coming back tmr thank god i need my daily walks w him i literally tried w another guy today and it was not the same#bro was yapping ab love whatever idek 😭 told me ab his crushes which good for him ig but i barely know him idc 🙏#insta wants me to stop liking k too cause it deleted all my past stories ab him when i tried to make a highlight#is it so hard to have everyone obsessed with me all the time. cant people just pay attention to me forever#i forgot what i said in this post whatever im deleting it later anyway#post#erics tag#delete later#cringingg that people know stuff ab me and why i am the way i am. maybe they should all die so it becomes a secret again#literally why did i ever talk anything out with anyone other than serenity thats so fucking stupid no shit shes the only good one#thats a lie i love attention i just hate asking for it i cant even be bothered to say more bro im so exhausted but not in a sleeping way yk#kindividual posting
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prefacing this by saying im fine and its whatever and im mostly numb to it. but it kinda fucking sucks that being gaslit about my own sexuality leads to… doubting my own sexuality lol!
#purrs#just went to my first ever lavender graduation ceremony and had a convo w my dad after that touched on the EXACT horrors lol like i need to#learn to not bring this shit up around my parents bc they’re just gonna say the same things. and also it doesn’t matter bc idc about labels#and (to quote ricky) it’s a conversation not a constant. but like fucking hell. just bc ive never ‘’’’’’been with anybody’’’’’’ doesn’t#mean that i can’t know im not straight. the HORRIFIC psychic damage that did to me 5 years ago this month. the way i can’t think about#sexuality or being part of the lgbtq community since and like before then when that happened i thought i was a lesbian and was gonna try to#get involved with the school lgbtq student union . like it’s so ficking stupid and sad. and i can’t trust myself anymore i can’t tell if#anything ive ever felt for anyone is actually real bc according to my (straight and biphobic) parents ‘crushes don’t count’ and i haven’t#even had a crush in months anyway and yeah ive never ‘been with’ anybody. but like god damn. you DO NOT get to tell me i have to call myself#questioning. yeah im questioning but only i can call it that and only if i want to. i get to know me. i get to call me what i am. which also#means i get to work through the years of psychic damage this thread of conversation coming from my own parents has done to me#but i own that. i want to own that. ive had the feelings i have had. maybe they were wrong and misplaced and maybe there are other ways to#interpret them like me jus t having projection issues and whatever. but they were real to me and are real to me and shape how i show up#every single day. i get to know myself. i get to call myself what i am. even though you’re my parents you don’t get to tell me that. and you#should be sorry for how fucked in the head this has made me and how cut off i have become from other people who have felt what i have felt#and from the parts of myself that felt and hurt and loved. like lolllll. i was in a good mood and then that happened and now my heart hurts.#delete later#like i don’t talk abt this shit anymore for a reason 🤪✌️ i am not involved in lgbtq groups or communities online or offline for a reason 🤪✌️#and it’s yet another manifestation of impostor syndrome too like. ppl wonder why im like this…. there is a very good reason 💖
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adrien never went to public school / adrienette have never met AU where Ladynoir are dating but Marinette has beef with Adrien Agreste™ on twitter, spurred by her interest in the fashion industry and her friendship with Mylene. ads are all over the place of Adrien promoting products like air in a bottle and NFTs and just generally so many products that are extremely poor taste/bad for the environment. Marinette tweets about beauty standards in the industry and all the shit Gabriel brand does to the environment and how Adrien Agreste perfectly encapsulates it all.
Adrien, of course, never responds to any of her tweets. her tweets are just white noise in the background. she is nowhere near on his level. one day Marinette tweets out something akin to "if I saw Adrien Agreste irl i'd punch him in the face" and her twitter gets banned for Threats of Violence, Alya draws attention to the injustice of it via the Ladyblog and suddenly "I want to punch Adrien Agreste in the face [gets banned]" becomes a bit of a meme. NOW people know who Marinette is and are listening to what she's saying (on her new account or whatever). Chat Noir also tweets that he wants to punch Adrien in the face
A hashtag trends. Marinette caves and starts tweeting about the scandals of the industry on her Ladybug twitter too. Adrien's twitter and instagram comments are flooded with both threats to punch him but also just generally critical comments like "nice pic and all but are you not going to address the sweatshop allegations?". Adrien still does not address it. At most he turns comments off. Marinette is gnawing at the wood of her desk.
Then a Ladybug and Chat Noir identity reveal happens.
Marinette is stunned. Absolutely mouth agape. Cannot form words. Chat Noi— NO, ADRIEN— ADRIEN FUCKING AGRESTE looks at her and is like "oh ha :) .... Marinette Dupain-Cheng, right? You're the girl who wanted to punch me hahaha"
after recovering from her world being shattered, she's like...... "hahaha...... um............... yeah...... uh..... so you... DO know who i am. and you're just. ignoring it then. hahaha... ok... thats....... fine..... anyway..... u-uh...... im not... gonna actually punch you. but. um. k-kitty do you um. maybe want to stop promoting deforestation and all that"
he's like "I don't"
she's like. "yes you do. literally in your newest ad you said to the camera 'who needs trees when bottled air is the way of the future'. like did you really read that line out loud and not see a problem with it"
"yeah, that wasn't me"
"what are you talking abou—"
"it's deepfaked"
"..... what"
"all of my ads in the past few years are deepfakes. I complained too much so my father fired me. turns out that i signed away all rights to my face and voice to him when I was 13 or something. he can just use my face and voice and name however he wants. he generates ads. i dont even have access to the 'Adrien Agreste' twitter or insta accounts. sometimes he makes me do runways but beyond that I'm not involved in all."
"... ... ... ... ... what"
"yeah haha... :") im sorry. i wish i could help you more. but he never listens to me. i don't like it either, i.... i've asked him to stop sooo many times. but he never listens to me. i hate seeing my face used without my consent but haha.... i don't... have any rights here so. sorry. i really wish i could help more"
and now marinette hates "Adrien Agreste"™ ads/posts EVEN MORE and is threatening to kill Gabriel Agreste himself. all while kissing the real adrien agreste silly
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ꨄ Mattheo with a shy girlfriend is literally the best thing to ever exist AND I WILL DIE UPON THAT FUCKING HILL 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️
ꨄ He's walking to his class one day when you accidentally stumble into him. Of course, you're just so embarrassed. I mean, this was THE Mattheo Riddle, son of the dark lord and one of the most attractive boys in the school. While you're busy apologizing and scrambling to get your things, he's just staring at you absolutely stricken by your beauty and presence. He almost wants to cry when you run away from him because—HOLY SHIT HOW DID HE NOT KNOW YOU EXISTED UP UNTIL THAT MOMENT?!
ꨄ He is instantly going to Pansy and asking about you after that incident. Literally is so pressed when she doesn't know anything about you. Now he has to do all the work and by that, he means stalking you and learning everything about you 🙄
ꨄ Congratulations you now have a stalker 🎉
ꨄ But seriously he has a few uhh... interesting ways of getting to know you 😃 It's a bit creepy and obsessive but he means well.
ꨄ The more he learns about you, the more he falls for you. He notes all your little, mindless habits. He makes a list of things he knows you like to spoil you in the future. He threatens anyone who treats you badly. He also makes sure no boys try to steal you away from him because there's no way he's gonna lose to some pathetic Ravenclaw. (Caw caw motherfuckers)
ꨄ He knows you're shy, so he takes his time when it comes to actually interacting with you. At first, it's just little interactions, like smiling and waving at you or holding the door for you. Then he's starting conversations with you, and interacting with the very few friends you have. He wiggles his way into your life like a little worm. HE'S IN IT FOR THE LONG GAME GIRLS
ꨄ He would literally condition you into being comfortable with his touch, like touching your shoulder and hands a little when he's talking to you, or subtly wrapping his arm around you when you two are walking. This motherfucker is so subtle—it's not even funny
ꨄ Praises you whenever he can, and he loves the way you get so shy and giddy whenever he does. He knows you are giggling and kicking your feet 🤭
ꨄ He tells Theo and Draco about you, and it gets to the point where the two boys know more about you than your friends. They just want you to get with him already because they are so sick of Mattheo gushing about you whenever he can. They both secretly are happy that Mattheo trusts them enough to be so open to them about his feelings for you
ꨄ When you do get together, Mattheo feels like he is on top of the world. All that hard work paid off, and now he has you in his arms—AND HE AIN'T EVER GONNA LET YOU GO 😤
ꨄ Well, congratulations on becoming Mrs. Riddle!!!
#slytherin boys#mattheo riddle#mattheo riddle x reader#mattheo riddle headcanon#harry potter#x reader#mattheo riddle blurb 🐍
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