#when I first got my period I described the symptoms to a doctor and he at once insisted to check my appendix

[asparklethatisblue]

you ever get off the wall angry looking up symptoms of “condition you fear you have” of the day and all symptoms are either “well if you have this you have to see a doctor IMMEDIATELY- or they’re unremarkable side effects of having a female reproductive system”

that and the time I was trying to research diseases for some writing, because I wanted to see how a vagina/uterus would react, and ALL I could find was “…. You mean during pregnancy, right? You want to know what will happen to a baby, yes?”

no cunt, I want to know what will happen to someone with an uterus when all other internal organs go haywire

[javierpena-inatacvest]

Cramps

Summary: After going off of birth control, your periods have been a little more intense than you're used to. What starts out as a stressful morning between you and your husband, very quickly turns into a night that bodes very well for the both of you.

Paring: Husband Frankie Morales x Wife f!reader (no use of y/n)

Word Count: 5.4K on the dot (idk how we got here)

Warnings: SMUT (18+) PERIOD SEX, unprotected p in v sex (do better, but also they want a baby so), vaginal fingering, oral (f receiving, again, you're on your period but our pussy eating king Fransisco Morales is an unstoppable force of nature), creampie, praise kink, big fat nasty breeding kink (it's who I am now, I won't apologize for it), Frankie's got a NASTY mouth, Frankie is the best husband, reader is on her period/has period symptoms, talks about family planning/not being on birth control, use of nicknames (hermosa, quierda, cariño), reader has no physical descriptions besides that she can wear Frankie's clothes

A/N: Well... This was gonna be a drabble... and then it was just gonna be fluff.... and then it was gonna be just some implied smut... and now, we're here??? Idk, don't ask me 🥴 self indulgent bc I just finished my period (and my periods have been whack since stopping bc) and what better way to heal myself than imagining what Frankie would be like taking care of you 🥺 also pls be nice to me this is my first time writing Frankie and I'm v nervous EEK I hope you enjoy!!! sorry Javi bby, I still love u

Bitchy. 

You wished you had a better word to describe your mood for today, but truth be told, bitchy was by far the most accurate. 

You and Frankie were hoping to start trying for your first baby soon, and had recently gone off your birth control after your doctor had told you it may take a few months for your body to regulate itself before you had a better chance at getting pregnant. Your doctor had also  warned you about many of the symptoms and side effects that stopping the pill could have, one of those being becoming more aware of your emotions and mood swings throughout your cycle. That, you were prepared for. 

What you were not prepared for, was to feel like an absolute psychopath in the days leading up to your period. 

 Your cycle had  been wonky the past few months as your body began to sort itself out- you had a feeling your period was probably about to start soon, but hadn’t thought much about it, considering your terrible and grouchy mood had overshadowed it. You had tried your best to pull yourself together the past few days, chalking up your grumpiness to long hours at work, or just being in a weird funk, but today, you woke up with a fire in your gut, ready to fight, and poor Frankie was about to be your punching bag. 

Sweet Frankie had been nothing short of a saint when it came to just about anything, but dealing with your newly heightened emotions right before your period really should have earned him some sort of Presidential Medal of Bravery, considering that your newly discovered highs and lows while PMS-ing were just as frightening as any time he had spent during his time in the military. 

Unfortunately for your husband, despite his best efforts, he had been on your nerves all morning. Not because he was really doing anything wrong, but because the little things that you were normally so good about letting go, or the patience you frequently had seemed to have flown out the window, and you were convinced that if Frankie even breathed the wrong way, you were going to absolutely lose it. 

So when unsuspecting Frankie decided to ask you a simple request about after work plans, there was very little he could have done to prepare for your response. 

“Morning, Hermosa.” Frankie cooed, emerging into the kitchen, his hand rustling through his untamed, sleepy brown curls as he let out a yawn and a stretch, the slight softness of his stomach peeking out between his t-shirt and pajama pants as he raised his arms above his head before settling behind you. He wrapped himself around your waist, pressing a gentle kiss into your shoulder as you finished putting the last of your lunch in your bag for work, trying to force yourself to focus on his sweet good morning, rather than the empty bowl of cereal in the sink that had greeted you first thing when you woke up, already starting you off on the wrong foot in your already irritable mood. 

“Morning, babe.” You grinned, forcing yourself to forgo the annoyance hidden behind your smile as you pecked a quick kiss on Frankie’s lips before gathering the rest of your things for the day scattered across the kitchen table. “Sorry, I didn’t have time to make you breakfast this morning because I was running late, but there’s extra scrambled eggs on the stove if you want them. I’m really sorry, Frankie, I gotta head out, have a good day, I’ll see you later okay?” You sighed, slinging your work bag over your shoulder, your hands full of your coffee mug, water bottle and keys, your cluttered grip and running behind schedule only adding to your frustration. 

“All good, Querida, no worries. Hey, actually baby, before you leave,” He paused, setting down the coffee mug he was just about ready to take a sip of, as if a little lightbulb had just gone off in his brain, “do you mind picking up stuff to make that really good buffalo chicken dip for Benny’s tonight? I told ‘em we’d bring like, an appetizer or something, if that’s okay.” 

For Frankie’s sake, you couldn’t have been more thankful that you had your back turned to him, because if looks could kill, Frankie Morales would have been a dead man. 

Every rational part of your brain knew that even though his request perhaps wasn’t the best timing, stopping by the store and making dip to bring to Benny’s for game night really wasn’t that much time or effort out of your day. But today, it seemed like every part of your brain but the rational one seemed to be functioning properly, and the raging, irrational part might as well have heard that Frankie wanted you to prepare and cook a Thanksgiving meal for 74 after you got home from work. 

You took a deep breath, your grip tightening around the items in your hand, praying with every bone in your body that someway or another, you had misheard your husband. 

“Tonight? As in, like, today, after I get home from work?” You questioned, trying to do your best to keep your tone from sounding too condescending. 

“Yeah, we don’t have to be there until 7, I just don’t think I’m gonna have time to since I probably won’t be outta work until 6:30.” He shrugged nonchalantly, taking another swig of his coffee 

Oh yeah, you’d heard him right.  

You let out a deep sigh, even more over dramatic than you had intended it to be, arms crossed over your chest and stark frown spread across your face as you turned towards Frankie. 

“Oh, perfect! That’s a great thing for me to find out about at 7:45 A.M. the day of, Frank!” Your voice oozed with ferocious sarcasm, now slamming your things back down onto the table to run your hands over your face. “No, that’s great, because there’s nothing I wanted to do more than to come home and make buffalo chicken dip instead of all the other shit I needed to do today before we left! Amazing! Thank you!” 

At this point, you were almost positive that if your eyes rolled any further, they’d be in the back of your skull, letting out another angry huff as you shook your head at Frankie, who was looking absolutely petrified as he leaned back against the counter, eyes darting to the floor to avoid yours, running his hand over the wispy curls at the nape of his neck. Frankie began to stammer, trying to defend himself from your wrath. 

“Hermosa, I’m- I’m sorry? I know it’s last minute, but you normally make it every time we go over there, I just- I figured it’d be easy for you to do? You can get something else, or I can try to stop by the store really quick on the way home, I just might-” 

“Nope, you want buffalo chicken dip, apparently I’m making buffalo chicken dip!” You groaned, collecting everything back into your hands, swearing under your breath as you tried to balance everything in your grip. “Jesus, okay, I need to go to work, just- I don’t even know. I gotta go, Frankie.” 

“Querida, I-” Frankie pleaded, beginning to trail behind you as you made your way to the front door. 

“Frankie, whatever, it’s fine! I’ll make the stupid dip! I have to go to work, I’ll see you later.” You could feel the muscles in your jaw beginning to clench as you gritted your teeth, trying with everything in you to keep from exploding as you headed out of the house. Without even a kiss goodbye, you left Frankie in the doorway, watching you throw your things in the car and slam the door behind you as you drove down the driveway. 

But as soon as you were on the road and your house was out of view, you could instantly feel the tears beginning to well in your eyes, slowly streaming down your cheeks as you began to sob, wondering why you had ruined the morning over as stupid as an appetizer, and even worse, that you had been a complete asshole to your husband about it. 

You couldn’t have been more thankful that work had been quiet today- no meetings on the schedule, and no one coming to bother you, leaving you plenty of peace and quiet to continue sulking and brooding in your unpleasant mood. 

Right around lunch time, you found yourself eating alone in your office, wishing your lunch was about ten times saltier and chocolatier than it was, crying to yourself as you watched a video of a dog meeting its new human sibling for the first time.

Just as you were beginning to pack up the rest of your lunch and start back up with your work, you felt a terrible twinge in your lower stomach that had you just about keeled over in pain, followed by that all too familiar feeling in your underwear. 

Frantically scrambling, you reached into your bag to pull out a tampon, hurriedly shuffling to the nearest bathroom, only to reveal the murder scene equivalent as you pulled down your pants. 

Your period had come.  

In that moment, as much as you were dreading the pain and misery that was the next few days to come, you couldn’t also help but feel a slight sense of relief, realizing that you were in fact, not actually a crazy person for the way you were feeling, you were just PMS-ing out of your mind. You couldn’t also help but feel absolutely awful for your unjustified freak out at your husband this morning, your heart sinking with guilt as you made your way back to your desk, immediately grabbing your phone to text Frankie. 

“Hey… I’m so sorry about this morning. What you were asking me to do wasn’t a big deal at all and I totally freaked out on you. My period just started, I think that’s why I’ve been such a bitch this morning. I’m sorry, Frankie, I love you.💕 ” 

It was almost instantly after you hit send that the reply bubble popped up in your message, your heart pounding anxiously waiting for your husband’s reply. 

“It’s okay, I kind of had a feeling 😉 babe, you weren’t being a bitch- I should have talked to you about it sooner. Shitty timing on my part. I’m sorry. I love you too, Querida.” 

Before you could even respond, another message popped up below his first. 

“Don’t worry about going to the store or making anything tonight. I already texted Benny and told him we couldn’t come. We can spend the night in, just the two of us. I can pick up takeout on the way home if you want and we can pick a movie to watch.” 

You could feel your frustrated facade beginning to melt away as your lips shifted from a pursed frown to a small smirk reading Frankie’s text, your thumbs quickly tapping across the screen of your phone to reply. 

“Thank you. You’re the best.” 

“Of course. Hopefully none of your co-workers ask you to make buffalo chicken dip before you leave 😘” 

“Oh shut up, meanie.” 

“Just kidding. Have a good rest of your day, love you. 💙

“Love you too. 🤍” 

Although the rest of your day was nowhere near enjoyable, given the fact you felt like you were getting punched repeatedly in the uterus and your personality resembled that of Oscar the Grouch, you knew that your night in with Frankie was your light at the end of the tunnel, and only needed to make it a few more hours before there was at least some sweet relief finally headed your way. 

Despite the constant stabbing pain in your lower stomach and back, your drive home from work had you in much better spirits than your drive there, now not only having an explanation as to why you had felt like such a mess, but also knowing the rest of your night was going to be dedicated to nothing but cuddling up in your comfiest clothes and snuggling up next to Frankie on the couch. 

As you pulled down your street, you were surprised to see Frankie’s truck already parked in the driveway, wondering what he was doing at home almost an hour earlier than he had mentioned he would be this morning. Gathering all of your things out of the back of your car, you quietly entered your home, confusion scrunching in your brow as you called out for your husband. 

“Frankie? Babe, are you home?” 

Before you could even kick off your shoes or hang up your coat, Frankie had already appeared at the front door to greet you, boyish grin spread across his face as he grabbed your things out of your hand, carefully placing them on your entryway table before engulfing you in a bear hug, his broad arms wrapping around your body and pulling you closer into his chest. 

You could feel all the muscles in your body instantly relax as your face rested against the soft cotton of his t-shirt, soaking in the familiar woody and savory scent of him, letting yourself be consumed by every ounce of his embrace. 

“Hi Hermosa.” Frankie cooed, pressing a soft kiss against your temple, running his hands up and down your back as you looked up at his sweet brown eyes shining down at you. 

“What are you doing home so early? I mean, not that I’m mad about it at all, I just thought you said that you had to work until 6:30 and-” 

“Told my boss I had to head out early for a family emergency.” Frankie smirked, laughing at you playfully rolling your eyes from his so-called excuse. 

“Last time I checked, your wife being a grump because she’s bleeding out of her cooch doesn’t classify as a family emergency, Fransisco.” You teased, giving him a little shove, making the two of you giggle in tandem. 

“Eh, close enough. I’m really sorry about this morning, querida. I was a dick for not talking to you about plans beforehand and just assuming you could go do it. It wasn’t fair of me.” 

“It’s okay, Frankie. What you were asking for wasn’t a big deal and I made it one because I’ve been a psycho all day. I’m sorry, too.” 

“Well,” Frankie paused, pressing another kiss onto your cheek, the width of his palm gently cradling your jaw as you stared up at him and his sympathetic smile, “number one, you are not a psycho. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable you must feel right now, so even if you were, I wouldn’t blame you one bit. Number two,” he paused again, shifting his kiss from your cheek to your lips, his thumb delicately swiping across your skin, “you’re my wife and I love you more than anything, and if I can take a little time off to help make you feel better, it’s the least I can do. So, why don’t you go change into something comfortable, and when you get back down here, I will have pizza and ice cream, whatever movie you wanna watch, and a back rub ready for you, okay?”   

“Okay. Thank you, Frankie. God, you’re the best.” You grinned, pressing up on your tiptoes to let your mouth meet Frankie’s, the plush pout of his bottom lip swiping across yours, lingering just long enough to let the butterflies in your stomach begin to swirl, heat creeping through your cheeks in the tenderness of the moment.

“Of course, cariño. Te amo. Now go get changed.” With one last peck on his lips, you wiggled out of Frankie’s grasp to make your way up the stairs, grinning to see that your husband had already set out your favorite of his oversized sweatshirts and sweatpants, neatly folded on the bed for you to grab, quickly shuffling out of your uncomfortable work attire and exchanging it for Frankie’s clothes, your smile growing even wider at the feeling of perpetually being wrapped up in the essence of him. 

As you made your way back downstairs to meet Frankie, you found your heart skipping a beat again to see that the better part of the living room had been turned into a cozy sanctuary- lights dim and candles lit, both parts of your couch squished together, filled with every pillow and blanket you owned, and Frankie sitting in the middle, giant box of pizza, tub of ice cream and your handsome husband waiting for you. 

As if your emotions hadn’t already taken you on a wild roller coaster of a ride today, the adorable sight in front of you had you on the verge of tears again, wiping the wetness pooling in your eyes with the back of Frankie’s sweatshirt sleeve drooping off your arm before crawling into the blanket fort he had constructed for the two of you. 

“Frankie… You didn’t have to do this.” You sniffled, curling up next to Frankie as he draped a blanket over your lap and his arm over your shoulder, passing you a plate with 2 large pieces of pizza. 

“It’s the least I could do. I put on Hercules for us to watch, but if you wanna-” 

Before you could let him finish the rest of his sentence, you were running your hand across the scratchy stubble of his cheek, pulling his face closer to yours as you planted a kiss on his lips, feeling your smiles melt into one another's as your mouths met. “That sounds perfect. God, how’d I get so lucky?” 

“I could say the same thing, mi amor. You ready to start the movie?” 

“Only if you also pass me that tub of Ben and Jerry’s to go with my pizza.” 

“I think I can make that happen.” 

About half way through the movie, pizza and tub of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, your and Frankie’s bodies were tangled together in a sea of limbs and blankets, contently snuggled up with one another as Frankie’s fingers traced lazy circles on your back and shoulder as you laid against his chest. 

“You doin’ okay, querida? Need anything?” He cooed, his soft voice dancing in your ear. As if it weren’t enough that you had already been through the extreme highs and lows of almost every feeling under the sun today, the one you hadn’t been until this very moment was insatiably horny. While the mood swings you had mentally prepared yourself for with your new period symptoms, the constant other kind of ache between your legs you had not, and feeling the low rasp of Frankie’s words tickling your neck had been just enough to flip the switch to make you desperately needy. 

Letting your leg slide over Frankie’s lap, you pushed yourself up to straddle his hips, running your hands through the dark curls of his thick, brown hair, and down his broad chest, your fists bunching the worn fabric of his shirt in your hands as your mouths became a mess of tangled tongues and teeth. 

“I need- fuck- I need you, Frankie, please.” You pleaded between muffled moans, his tongue swiping in the parted space where your lips melted together as one, instinctively beginning to grind your hips into his, feeling the bulge in his sweatpants starting to grow beneath you. 

“Fuck- You sure, baby?” Frankie rasped, reactively bucking up into you, making you whine as his hands dug into your hips, guiding you as you swirled over the tented fabric of his bottom half rubbing against your covered core. 

“Please. Please, Frankie.” You were all but whimpering at this point, nodding frantically in approval as Frankie used the grasp on your hips to guide you onto your back, making you cock your head in confusion as Frankie scampered to the other side of the couch, back turned to you as he reached over the ledge, pulling out a thick, black towel with a smug grin on his face. “Did you seriously have a towel ready incase I wanted to have sex?” You snorted, shaking your head at Frankie, now crawling back to you, caging your body under his with an electric kiss as he shimmied the towel underneath you. 

“Maybe.” Frankie smirked, breaking from your kiss to let his lips trail down your body, his hands toying with the edge of his sweatshirt covering your body as he pushed it up your stomach and chest, helping you to shimmy it over your head, leaving your top half exposed. He gently palmed at your breasts, taking each pebbled nipple in his mouth, sucking and flicking at the buds with his tongue before letting his kisses travel down the soft skin of your stomach and waistband of your sweatpants. The clothes on your bottom half soon joined your sweatshirt in a crumpled pile as Frankie nestled himself between your legs, gently nudging your hips to let your thighs part, revealing your pussy, slick and shiny for him with your juices. 

Even though Frankie would eat you out for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a late night snack, you couldn’t help but feel guilty that he still found himself between your legs during your time of the month, considering any other man probably would have scoffed at just the thought of going down on you on your period. 

But, then again, Frankie Morales wasn’t just any other man. 

“Frankie, baby, you know you don’t- Oh fuck!” You gasped, cut off in surprise as Frankie’s tongue licked a long, broad strip across your cunt, making you shudder in pleasure as his head perked up, revealing the devilish grin spread between his cheeks watching your chest already heave in heavy, shaky breaths. 

“Oh I know I don’t have to, sweet girl. But I want to. Relax, baby, lemme take care of you.” 

Before you could agree, protest, or anything in between, Frankie was back between your legs, arms wrapped around your thighs as they draped over his broad shoulders, digging his fingertips into the plush softness of your skin, dragging his tongue through your folds with the exact grace and precision that he knew made you fall apart in seconds. 

With flat, firm presses of his mouth latched against your clit, you could already feel your bottom half writhing under him, the perfect pressure of his tongue dancing around your sensitive bundle of nerves making you moan in pleasure. As your head dipped back, falling into the couch pillow behind you, your hand shot down, fingers burying themselves in the wild curls of Frankie’s hair, tugging at the thick ends for any sort of release as he worked relentlessly at your aching cunt. 

“Fuck, Frankie, oh fuck- Fuck, baby, you feel so good.” You whined, your praise only intensifying the way your husband drank every ounce of you up, two thick fingers now gently pressing inside your heat, curled deliciously as they rocked in and out of your entrance, nudging against your g-spot. 

Frankie had spent enough time worshiping the altar that was your pussy to know exactly how to make you crumble beneath him, leaving you chanting his name like a prayer as his lips latched around your clit, ferociously sucking as his fingers prodded at the soft, spongy spot that made your cunt begin to clench and heat in your belly pool. 

“That’s it, Hermosa. I know you’re close, baby girl. Let me feel you, mi amor. I’ve got you.” Frankie groaned, his words humming deep in his chest, placing chaste kisses on the inside of your thighs before drinking you up like a man starved, adding a third finger into your heat, the added fullness and stretch, combined with Frankie’s relentless pace, enough to have the tingle that had been building at the base of your spine now washing through every inch of your body. Your orgasm began to crash through you, your pussy fluttering as pleasure radiated in your veins, making you cry out Frankie’s name over and over. 

Frankie worked persistently through your high, only pulling back after making sure that you had cum again, sitting back on his haunches as he admired the blissed out and ragged mess you had become, your pussy slick and swollen as your chest rose and fell in wrecked inhales and exhales, trying to compose yourself from the Frankie and fucked you senseless with just his tongue. 

Wiping the slick and juices glistening in his mustache with the back of his hand, Frankie tugged the sweatshirt covering his own body over his head, followed by his pants and boxers, freeing his painfully hard cock as it slapped against his stomach, his tip red and leaking with precum as his broad body loomed over yours, sucking and nipping at your pulse point as you whimpered his name. 

“Frankie, holy fuck.” 

“Such a good girl for me, querida. You still want me to fuck you, baby?” He mewled, the metallic and tangy taste of you still lingering on his tongue as he kissed you, laughing to himself at the way you found yourself frantically nodding your head to tell him yes before your words could. 

“Jesus Christ, yes. Fuck, please Frankie, I need to feel you.” 

Reaching down to stroke himself, he lined his cock up with your entrance, easily sliding into your heat and brushing his tip against your cervix, taking a moment to let you adjust to his fullness. The whine you let out as Frankie filled every inch of you was nothing short of ragged, digging your nails into the skin of his broad back as he ever so slowly began to thrust in and out of you, dragging his length against the slick of your cunt. 

“Oh fuck me- Fuck, you hear how wet you are for me, sweet girl? This what you needed, baby? To fill up that pretty little pussy of yours?” Frankie groaned, letting his forehead rest against yours, his sweaty curls now starting to stick to his skin as he pounded into you, rutting his hips at a faster and faster pace. 

“It’s all for you, Frankie- Oh shit- only for you.” You moaned, your fingers wrapping around the width of his biceps, flexing deliciously as he hovered over you, sucking you in to a long, deep kiss, fucking into you over and over. 

Even with the years between you and the ring on your finger, the possessive part of Frankie’s brain would never get over how the primal and all consuming feeling of knowing you were his, forever, your words shooting straight to his dick as a low groan rumbled in his chest, silently cursing to himself through gritted teeth, watching you fall apart below him. 

Readjusting himself, Frankie sat back on his heels, hooking his arm under one of your legs to drape it over his shoulder, the new angle stretching you out in a way that had you seeing stars as Frankie rammed into your g-spot and began thumbing at your clit, still swollen and sensitive from your first orgasm. You could already feel the heat beginning to bloom in your belly once again, your leg beginning to tremble hoisted over Frankie’s shoulder as he dug into the meat of your thigh with a bruising intensity. 

Just like he would never get over the fact of knowing you were his, Frankie would never get over watching you begin to crumble under his touch, taking the time to memorize every twitch and twinge your body made as you came closer and closer to your end, always savoring in the moaning mess you’d become as you fell apart around him. 

“Fuck, Frankie, Fuck, oh my god- I’m close, baby.” You were all but rambling at this point, your brain barley stringing together coherent sentences as you felt your cunt beginning to clench around his cock, the lewd noises of your moans, wetness and skin slapping together as your hips met filling the room at a borderline pornagraphic rate. 

“Meirda, I’m not gonna last much longer, hermosa. Fuck, where do you want me, baby?” Frankie growled through gritted teeth, his eyes locking on yours and telling him everything he needed to know without you saying a word. 

“Inside. Fuck, please Frankie, I want you to cum inside me.” 

Your confirmation was all it took to flip the switch in Frankie that sent him absolutely feral, the thought of being able to actually knock you up now that you weren’t on birth control anymore, giving you a baby, proving another way to the world to mark you as his? The thought alone was enough to have him bracing every bone in his body to keep him from cuming right then and there. 

“Fuck me. You want me to fill you up, querida? Fuck me full of you? Fuck a baby into you? That's what you want, huh?” Frankie moaned, grunting with each thrust of his hips, his rhythm becoming more frantic and shaky as he felt your pussy begin to flutter around him, pressing the pads of his fingers against your clit, swirling them in frantic circles to make sure you came before he did. 

“Fuck, yes. I need you too, holy fuck- wanna make you a daddy, Fransisco.” 

You could feel the tightly wound knot in your core starting to snap, your legs trembling and breath shaking as Frankie fucked into you, finding yourself on the verge of collapse- but not before Frankie’s filthy mouth got the last word in. 

“Jesus, fuck- Fuck, hermosa. That’s what you want, pretty girl? I swear, I’m gonna fuck myself so deep into you it’ll fucking take. Get you fucking pregnant tonight.” 

That was all it took to have you orgasm come crashing through you, every inch of your body radiating with pleasure as you came, crying out Frankie’s name as you gushed around him, your eyes practically rolling to the back of your head, your mind going blank and numb, the only thing grounding you were the incoherent ramblings of your husband as he followed suit behind you. 

“Fuck, that’s it, baby. Fuck, I’m gonna cum too, fuck, fuck-ahhhhhh.” With one final thrust, Frankie could feel himself spilling against your walls, coating you with his spend as his cock pulsed, making sure he milked himself of every last drop deep inside your cunt before even thinking about pulling out. Moving your leg, Frankie slumped into you, splaying himself across your body as your chests rose and fell in sync, laying in silence as you let your breathing steady, coming back down to Earth from your high. 

With a shallow grunt, Frankie carefully pulled his softening cock out of your heat, leaning back to admire the mess he had made between your legs, his cum dripping down the inside of your thighs and pussy glistening with the mixture of your arousal. You let out a soft hiss at the loss of Frankie’s fullness inside you, only to quickly be replaced by a gasp as he buried his two fingers back into your cunt.  

“Gotta make sure every last drop stays in there, hermosa. Gonna keep you full of me all night, baby.” He mewled, carefully gathering his spend and pushing it deep inside you, making you whimper as he slowly pulsed his fingers back and forth, pulling away his hand to lean back into your body, engulfing you with an electric kiss. 

“Holy fuck, fuck me. Jesus, Frankie.” You laughed to yourself, your head dipping back on the pillow as you buried your face in your hands, at a loss for words at how euphoric you now felt in your post colital bliss. 

“Wow, again, already? Gotta give me a few after that querida.” He smirked, making you roll your eyes at his joke as you playfully swatted at him, making him lean in to pepper your body with kisses, leaving you squealing and squirming in delight. 

“You are absolutely ridiculous, Fransisco Morales. If you keep fucking me like that, then yeah, absolutley.” 

“If I keep fucking you like this, I have a very hopeful feeling that next month, we’ll have something else to care about besides period cramps.”

“I swear to god, if one of my cravings ends up being buffalo chicken dip once I’m pregnant, I’m gonna be pissed.”

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[theforesteldritch]

my ramblings on transness, intersex-ness, childhood and growing up

i'm four. somewhere around there. i tell my mom i hate my name. i want to change it to robin, i say. she tells me i can when i'm an adult. i tell her i want my name to be robin now, today. not later. i don't get to change my name. eventually i forget wanting to be robin, or drop it, or stop talking about it. either way, i don't ever get to be robin.

i'm five. i feel wrong. i feel out of place in my own skin, i think. i feel like a poor shadow of a girl. i decide i want to be a princess when i'm older. in my mind, to be a princess, i need to wear a dress every day, even when it snows and i have to stuff the skirt into my snowpants to play outside. princesses must feel like real girls. if i was a princess, i would stop feeling like a snake writhing around in my own skin, desperate to shed. i tell myself that. at recess, we play some running game. i don't remember which one. boys vs girls. i don't want to play anymore.

i'm six or seven. i still feel wrong. i've stopped trying to be a princess. i'm off in my own world a lot of the time. i use the classroom scissors to cut tiny holes in the sleeves of my long sleeve shirts or to clip off a tiny chunk of my hair. during carpet time, i try to touch the hair of the people in front of me without them noticing. my best friend tells me she's a tomboy. i say i want to be one too. she tells me im too girly.

i'm nine. i've sworn off dresses. i reject pink clothes and sequins. i'm wearing a hat that covers my hair and the school custodian calls me young man in the hallway. i don't know why i like that so much. i try to fit in with the boys. i play grounders with them every day after school. i don't know why, but they don't like me. they make fun of me. i still play grounders with them every day.

i'm twelve. the girls around me have started growing breasts and getting their periods. they start getting acne and thicker hair on their legs that they shave off. none of these things are happening to me. i ask my mom for a bra. i don't want to be the odd one out. i feel a mix of relief and shame when i get one. now, i can pretend i'm like them. now, i can try to hide the growing feeling gnawing inside me that something's wrong, that i'm a freak.

i'm thirteen. i still haven't gotten a period. my mom is convinced it'll come any day now. she got hers at eleven, i must be a late bloomer. she makes me bring pads to summer camp. they lie unused in my bags. she does this next year, too, and the next. i try to feel normal. i sneak and use my mom's razor to shave the baby hairs on my legs that still haven't darkened and grown thicker like anyone else. i want to feel normal.

i'm fourteen. the girls in the locker room stare at me with funny expressions on their faces when i say i haven't gotten a period after they badger that information out of me. i ask my parents for deodorant, like the other kids. they tell me no, i don't smell enough to need it. i steal my dad's old spice amber deodorant. it smells like how i want to be seen, i think. i read magnus chase. i see myself in alex, how his gender shifts and changes. for the first time, i have a word, maybe, to describe myself. i'm like her, i think. i'm genderfluid, maybe, like alex fierro. i test the waters and come out to some friends as genderfluid, and then a boy. but i find myself still feeling the same itch under my skin. i'm not just a man, or just a woman, maybe i'm both. i go back in the closet.

i'm fifteen. my doctor is starting to get concerned that i haven't gotten a period yet. he orders blood tests. they think the results are a mistake when they see the testosterone levels. i don't have the symptoms that should come with those levels. i should be going through a male puberty with those levels of t, but i'm not. they do them again. it comes back the same. i'm diagnosed with complete androgen insensitivity syndrome. i feel alone, and like a freak. my doctors want me to get a gonadectomy. i push away how i feel like a snake ready to shed my own skin for a moment. i can't search myself for my gender when i'm trying, i'm trying so hard to get through this. knowing that going on testosterone hrt wouldn't work on me, it would break me right now to admit to myself the truth i already know.

i'm sixteen. i'm sexually assaulted by my doctor while under anesthesia for a biopsy of my gonads. without any hint of remorse or even knowledge of what she did to me she tells my mom that my vagina is still very short, but not as short as she thought on an earlier examination. i will continue to see this doctor. i push her assault down. i push this down. i feel like a freak. i feel so alone. god, i feel alone.

i'm seventeen, i'm eighteen. i know now why i feel like a snake trying to shed a skin. i'm not just a woman, i'm not just a man. i'm both and something in between. but i'm too male to be a girl and too female to be a man. i'm not allowed to be either. i cry sometimes. over how unfair this feels. over how i'll never look in the mirror and see myself staring back. i don't know how i'll get through this. i have to get through this. i have to live for the kid who wanted to change his name to robin. the need to live for her weighs me down like atlas holding up the sky. i know that one day, my grip will slip and the sky will fall. but i'm trying desperately to make that day not today.

[mcchipisfried]

WOO HERE IS THE 15 MINUTE RANT (now 9 minute rant) THAT I TALKED ABOUT IN MY DRACULA NOTES THAT I SENT TO MY FRIEND

Sound warning when I start to say "Can turn into fog and animals so there- there was no need for that...."

Transcript and some context under the cut :D

Okay okay okay I'm doing Dracula right? You already know fucking annoying but I liiiterally have no one else to talk to about this so, Dracula right, so the-

So 12th of August - which is today - Mina writes another little entry about how Lucy, after being fed on by Dracula yesterday (the 11th), is feeling even better um and she's so so happy but throughout the night she wakes up again and tries to go out sleepwalking but even after that she's even more rejuvenated and I-

We know that Dracula isn’t feeding from her right now (except for the first time) but she is at least connected to him in some way like there is some compulsion here that is-

it- it's existing and I have no words for how to describe compulsion. It's kinda like this word that I just picked up somewhere and it wooorks?

And I specifically speak about “compulsion” because of Jonathan. So Jonathan starts going really fucking crazy when he’s with Dracula right? (very paranoid but also maybe affected by his desperation and blah you’ve heard this before) and it just so happens that when Mina writes her uh little entry on the 12th of August that’s also the day that Sister Agatha writes a letter (Sister Agatha is uh obviously a nurse/nun at a hospital) so Jonathan traveled a long fucking time and he finally got there and they started to take care of him and Sister Agatha is writing a letter to Mina and she writes it on the 12th of August and the reason she writes the letter is...

The reason she writes the letter on this date even though Jonathan has been staying at the hospital for a bit is that for some reason he was under a brain fever and a brain fever could be multiple things. Honestly I think its their way of describing someone going through an overextended period of hallucinations or a trauma response? But "Brain Fever " is also when the brain becomes inflamed and one of the symptoms is a fever and you KNOW this because I also talked about my Hannibal theory with you on the first season, right, remember, pls. (with desperation) [1]

Um

But she literally describes it uh-

It as uh-

Yeah okay “he has had some fearful shock - so says our doctor - and in his delirium his ravings have been dreadful; of wolves and poison and blood; of ghosts and demons; and I fear to say of what” um so it's- It's very interesting to me that now, on the 12th of August, Lucy is feeling better, (like the whole reason Lucy does her sleepwalking thing is because she finally got engaged but now she's feeling very nervous and she's sleepwalking again like she did BEFORE Dracula showed up, it had just been a bit)

And its- its so unfortunate because Lucy is basically just doing what she normally does and she goes to this bench that just so happens to be near the grave where Dracula is hiding in and the only reason he can even do that is because its the grave of someone who committed suicide. It was very much like “why not” which is like, damn, Dracula really just be ruining lives for no reason because it's not like he was even initially attracted to Lucy because she was beautiful and she's kind and she's like, this pure soul. No. Literally my dude was just “oh shit there's someone above me………feeding time” Yknow? That's just like- I hate him so much!

So that's the thing and one could argue that he was technically already there when Lucy and Mina were also there when the dog thing happened um, he might have “seen” her or had some compulsion, some power over Lucy just from that like he picked up on something about her, her sensitivity if you want to argue that and had some compulsion over her to gooo...? Towards him at that point in time but I choose to not believe that I choose to believe this was very much Dracula just-

Dracula was just like “you know what? Jonathan, bye. New favorite blood bag Lucy, hello and thank you” and again I find it really interesting that when that happened not only did Mina wake up (I like to think that,

okay

I like to think that um, well when Mina found Lucy um Dracula was leaning over her maybe he was still drinking or had just finished so Mina rushes forward she's like “yo wtf is going on?” right she maybe thinks, she imagined or well doesn’t think, but like it was dark and no one else was there to confirm what she saw and Lucy was maybe a little out of it um) So I like to think that when Dracula drank from Lucy that's when Mina woke up and in her little panic of looking everywhere for Lucy and realizing she went outside was, however long it took Dracula to feed from Lucy. So whenever that happened Jonathan started to wake the fuck up from his little “weeks long brain fever” um like either when Lucy is being fed on he starts to come through because of the compulsion but when Dracula makes eye contact with Mina that's when he wakes up like ooohh-

Oh okay imagine if there was a Dracula show that was hella book accurate and they ended an episode with that cliffhanger? With Dracula getting close to Lucy’s neck, Mina jolts up and realizes Lucy is gone, goes out looking for her, finds her and Dracula, makes eye contact, boom it shifts to Jonathan opening his eyes Bella Swan from twilight style idk that would be so cool um but make me giggle. Um.

So talking about this is making me realize how much of a huge piece of shit Dracula is, for no fucking reason like. He had NO REASON, he had literally just drank not only from Jonathan (my headcanon my headcanon its not explicitly stated please people disagree people disagree it's my headcanon nnnnnn I'm not saying it happened or not I just like to believe um) which essentially rejuvenated his lizard ass to Tall, Dark, and Creepy (on top of maybe drinking from a baby) and then PROCEEDED to drink nearly a whole crew that was essentially free range for-

For no fucking reason. And then on top of that uh. So there's this other old guy. His name is Mr. Swales idk how to pronounce it even though I've heard the recording. ANYWAYS. He’s friends with Mina and Lucy and talks to them about the cemetery and headstones that stuff I was telling you about right? The other 6 minute analysis I did. Um.

He talks about how he is so old and isn’t afraid of dying and jokes about it a lot which honestly very fair my dude very fair. And um it turns out that when he talks about this he talks about- about death being in the air and that’s bringing the Demeter to shore, almost like he can sense Dracula as the omen of death that he is. And then there's an entry from when Mina and Lucy go to see the Captain’s funeral, she also mentions that Mr. Swales was found with his neck snapped on the bench and his face in such a horror that it made men squirm which is like. Fucked up as hell cause Dracula didn’t even drink from him -I think- so he killed him for no fucking reason. One could argue that he saw Dracula and that's why but motherfucker can turn into fogs-

SOUND WARNING IN RED

Can turn into fog and animals so there- there was no need for that. Honestly Dracula is hella insecure if he killed an old man just because he “sensed” him. He literally died. for. no. fucking. reason! It pisses me off he’s such a piece of fucking shit.

Okay

Okay I'm done actually cause I can keep talking about….Yo fuck twilight for being a major change in vampire stuff. [2] I need a modern adaptation of Dracula that actually takes the book into- cause- cause you have the whole destruction of Lucy’s character or even Mina’s character when they decide to combine them [3] um depending on the adaptation that it was Lucy’s fault that she was too pretty, too flirtatious with men and then that's why Dracula targeted Lucy- Dracula didn’t target Lucy he never did it was just coincidence and then when they also put that shit on top of Mina who is very much in the book a devoted fiancé to Jonathan.

I- I just- I don't-

Man I hate this dude I have never hated someone so much. I……. People should build on that horror. I-I miss hating villains. I love hating Dracula. Okay I promise I'm done

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[1]  Context: SPOILERS FOR HANNIBAL EVEN THOUGH ITS BEEN OUT FOR YEARS MY BAD I just finished watching the first season of Hannibal (pls no one spoil it I've never seen it and know nothing besides the original books and some movies) and the "Brain Fever" entry happened to align with my theory of Will Graham having either a tumor or brain swelling because of his feverish symptoms, hallucinations, etc. (AND I WAS RIGHT and then I proceeded to talk about how devious the chicken soup scene was because of the chicken and its ingredients so my irl friend was very DONE with the brain fever stuff)

[2] I unironically love twilight for the cringe its just so funny to me #TeamAlice Edward could NEVER

[3] I remember an old black and white Mexican or at the very least spoken in Spanish Dracula story that never had Lucy it was only about Mina, Dracula, and Jonathan but I don't remember for sure

[justrandommethoughts]

The Start

This post defines the start of my journey. It was way back in 2019 when I first went to therapy (Yeah for me that's way back, the whole covid period just makes everything before feel soo long ago).

I was still together with my first girlfriend back then, almost for 6 years to that day. I never thought I have mental issues, but I was never the 'feeling' kind of person. I did not really feel anything. Of course, I would tell my ex I loved her, I was sad at the funeral of my grandparents, but it felt artificial, not real. I was just acting along how I was supposed to feel, without really feeling it. But for me that was normal, I've been this way for as long as I could remember. But then, I started to develope random symptoms of illnesses that could not be diagnosed by doctors/specialists. I had issues/pain peeing, my head skin was itching, I developed a tinnitus. After going through some painful proedures (I am very much referring to an urologist, who had to take a 'sample' of my urethra and was sticking some thing into my penis. I think that was the most painful thing I ever experienced, I can't even describe the pain I was in. I really never cried, but that, that made me cry) Well, anyways, after all these tests were showing no results of some illness, my doctor referred me to a therapist. I even got a pretty fast appointment, it only took me a few weeks. I was super lucky with that and I am still grateful (I might have to add that I live in Germany, so I did not have to pay for any of these doctors visit, I am super lucky)

So, the first therapy session was ahead. I was super nervous and could not imagine what it would be like to talk to somebody like that. I had no clue what to talk to him about, as there were no emotions or internal thoughts that I could tell him about. It was just empty, nothing, a void. It felt a bit odd, but honestly my memory is rather blurry about these past days. I was with this therapist for almost a year and a half, having sessions about every 2 weeks. And it helped, I noticed my feelings again, I could feel again. It's crazy to think about it, but I actually can't remember what exactly we did. He asked me how I felt about certain things, and I could not answer. Like what do you feel when you think about this teacher. I could not tell, I had numbness. So we went through all feelings there are, and I tried to imagine what it would feel like. And after some time, I noticed them again, at least something. A tickle maybe, but enough to talk about it.

An interesting event we pointed out, which back then seemed to be really important was something a teacher did to me when I was in 6th grade (so about 12/13). It was geography, and the teacher was a real asshole. He was that kind of teacher that takes pleasure in embarrasing kids, making him feel superior. He would always insult classmates and tell them how dumb they are. Well, and then one day it happened to me. I was rather more open back then, more expressive. I wore a shirt saying something like 'Homework are dangerous for my freetime' and he looked at it and shouted across the classroom 'It should rather say Homework are dangerous for your stupidity'. It really hurt thinking about this event, back then during the therapy session it felt like a turning point. It had such a massive impact, I could not really deal with it. After the therapy I went home and I was feeling unwell already. I then basically puked the whole evening and cried until my parents came and picked me up. They live about an hour away by car, so not too close. I thought that was the event troubling me and being a turning point in my development, so processing it really helped (At least back then it was a good start, but not to imagine what would come lol). Anyways, a few weeks after my girlfriend, then ex-girlfriend broke up with me. I was done with everything, the whole world. My world was falling apart. Even though I did not really feel that I loved her, I was still having a connection. A closesness that I can not really describe, she just felt like home. The therapy really helped processing it, having somebody to talk to who does not judge you no matter what you say. Who even understands and helps you order your thoughts and feelings. I wrote letters to her, which I never sent, just for myself. A lot of letters. I also sent her one message, a very long message, talking about what good times we had and that we should try it again, but to no avail. It was over. About three months later she had a new boyfriend, somebody from her work, and I thought it would not really affect me. I was just shrugging it off, saying its her thing, I don't care. Thinking about it from my perspective now, I actually cared and still do. It made everything before feel artificial, questioning if she also wanted him when we were still together, if there was something happening maybe. I don't think so, my rational self tells me no, she is not such a person, but I nevertheless have these thoughts.

Then Covid hit, I still remeber it in March 2020, when everything shut down. I then moved back to my parents. I was living in a shared appartment, but I had no real connection to my roommates and all my other friends also moved back to their parents. I had remote therapy during that period, and it was actually ok. It felt a little hard to open up over a video call at first, but I can recommend it if you can't see a therapist in person. After a few months the therapy was at an end. We had to either file an application for long term treatment or stop, and we both agreed on that I was feeling better and could deal with myself without any help (Oh how wrong we were).

The next part of the story will come whenever I feel like it and have the time, but until my next therapy a couple years went by. It actually only started a few months ago. I will then also go a little more into detail, but that backstory might be intersting to see where I am coming from.

[sarah-in-disguise]

Open It

Pairing: Ransom Drysdale x Female Reader (Knives Out AU - no murder here!)

Warnings: swear words, shouting, multiple medical terms and phrases (PCOS, cancer, mass, fertility, pregnancy, etc.), angst, fluff, soft!Ransom (at least with the reader).  Flashbacks in italics.

Summary: Over the course of a few short hours, your life flipped upside down.  Plans for yourself.  Your future with Ransom.  All the pieces you’d used to build a foundation for your future, blown away in the breeze.  What does your future look like now?  And, most importantly, will Ransom be in it?

Word Count: 3032

A/N: This story is very personal for me, but I know a lot of you here on Tumblr can relate.  It was a very cathartic process to write it all down and get it all out.  While I have a great support system of family and friends to help me through this situation (read more about what’s going on here), I can’t help but daydream and wonder how one of my favorite CE characters would react.  I love soft!Ransom, so I hope this delivered!

Disclaimer: I do NOT consent to have my work posted, translated or published to any third-party site or app.  This is a work of fiction and I do not own any characters in this story.  By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer.  Moodboard picture sources are Google and Canva.

Make sure to check out my masterlist!

Numb.

You didn’t know any other word to describe how you were feeling right now.  Over the course of a few short hours, your life flipped upside down.  Plans for yourself.  Your future with Ransom.  All the pieces you’d used to build a foundation for your future, blown away in the breeze.

A few months ago, your PCOS started acting up.  This wasn’t all that uncommon - most people with PCOS noticed different symptoms every few years as their hormone levels changed.  Originally, your symptoms had been more of an inconvenience than anything else.  Long, heavy periods, an occasional migraine, a bit more facial hair.  Everything was easy to fix with a birth control pill and a mild hormone replacement pill that you took twice a day.

When you started seeing Ransom two years ago, you didn’t even mention it to him at first.  Ransom’s reputation clearly preceded himself, and neither of you were looking for anything serious.  A year into your relationship, you forced him to at least sit down and discuss where this was headed.  After admitting to each other that you’d never been happier, you set aside a few days for a long weekend getaway to discuss things further.

Surprisingly, both of you were open to marriage and to the idea of kids someday.  You also agreed that neither of you were ready for those steps anytime soon - you were both relatively young, and he didn’t want to rush in and have this relationship turn out like his toxic parents or other family members.  The only piece you were adamant about was that you wanted to be married before having kids, and Ransom didn’t have any problems with that, either.

He’d even given you his pinky ring that weekend as a promise ring of sorts, telling you to keep it until he had something more permanent for you in the future.

You’d brought up your PCOS that weekend, and even after talking about how it might impact your fertility someday, Ransom assured you it wasn’t an issue.  In his words, “I’ve got money if we need to go down that road, sweet girl.  Don’t worry about it”

And you hadn’t, until a few hours ago.

When you went in for your yearly checkup with your OBGYN last month, you’d brought up a few new symptoms you had experienced.  Again, this wasn’t uncommon to have changing symptoms as you got older, so your doctor ordered a few tests to see what was up.  “Just a formality,” she explained.  “It will help us rule a few things out so we know what our next steps should be.”

Except this morning, you found out that the tests didn’t rule anything out.  Instead, they found the culprit - a softball-sized mass on one of your ovaries.

The good news was that it wasn’t likely cancerous, but they would biopsy it when it was removed just to make sure.

The bad news was…more complicated.

“Since you have history on both sides of your family of endometrial and ovarian cancer, plus you have history in your family of getting cancer at an early age, I strongly recommend you get a full hysterectomy in the next two to three years.”

Your mind was swimming with information and everything was coming at you so fast, but the only response suitable for this situation was simple.

“What?”

With a look of sympathy, your doctor continued.  “I know we’d discussed how your PCOS would work with your future plans for having kids in five or six years, but based on how fast this mass came up, I’m strongly suggesting we move that plan up if we can.  There’s just too much risk waiting around a few extra years when they will likely lead to another mass and a high risk for cancer.”

“Oh.”  Looking down at your hands, you nervously start fiddling with Ransom’s pinky ring.  It was a nervous habit of yours - one Ransom learned soon after he gave you that ring.  Unfortunately, Ransom wasn’t there to notice.

Sitting on your bed, you were still twisting that ring around your finger.  Ransom would be home soon, and you still didn’t have any idea how you were going to tell him.  Sure, he knew you were going into the doctor, but you were both expecting this to be a minor appointment.  An adjustment to a medication.  Maybe even a few more tests to narrow results down.

Not a softball-sized mass and a hysterectomy in two or three years, effectively cutting your timeline for marriage and kids in half.

While you should be worrying about your health, you were more concerned with how Ransom would react.  What if he wasn’t ready for this timeline?  Would he want to take kids off the table?  If he was stuck on the timeline and didn’t want to give up kids, how did you fit in that future?

After all this, do you even fit at all?

When you left your doctor’s office, those thoughts were a mere whisper.  You knew Ransom, and you were just starting to convince yourself that there was nothing to worry about.

That is until you ran into Linda on the way out to your car.

Exiting the medical plaza, you sit down on a bench outside the front entrance, close your eyes, and take a deep breath.  You want to call Ransom, but you know he is in a meeting with a potential new author he and Harlan wanted to bring into Blood Like Wine.  He’d drop the meeting for you in a heartbeat, but after a few more deep breaths, you convince yourself you can wait until he gets home.

Fate, however, wanted to throw you one last curveball.

Standing up, you start walking to your car.  As you dig in your purse for your keys, you accidentally bump into someone, causing your appointment notes and surgery details to scatter on the ground.

“Excuse me!  Do you not have eyes?  Do you know who I am?”  You knew that disgusted voice anywhere.

Linda.

Before you even think about collecting the paper scattered around you, you muster up a small smile and look up at Ransom’s mother.

“I’m so sorry, Linda.  I wasn’t paying attention and I was looking for my keys.”

“Oh, it’s you.”  As you start collecting your paperwork, Linda continues.  “You look like shit.”

Huffing out a laugh, you continue stuffing papers into your folder.  Ransom’s parents, especially Linda, made it very clear from the beginning that they didn’t approve of you.  Unlike the endless line of women Linda paraded in front of her only son, you didn’t have a wealthy, well-known family to fall back on.

What you did have was your education, a stable job, and parents who actually loved you - but that didn’t matter to Richard and Linda.

Just then, a breeze came and caused your last piece of paper to take flight.  Before it could get too far, Linda used her designer shoe to stomp it to the ground.  As you were reaching for it, the paper was snatched up in Linda’s eager hands.

“What even has you so preoccupied that you can’t -”

At Linda’s abrupt stop, your face pales.  Your mind scrambles as you stand up.  Trying to figure out what piece of paper she managed to snatch up, all thoughts stop as she starts laughing.

Your heart sinks as you confirm your fears, spotting your appointment summary sheet in her hands.

After a few seconds, her laughter dies down.  Throwing the paper in your direction, you catch it as she leaves her parting words.

“Ransom was so blind before, but he won’t be able to ignore this.  The only reason he’s kept you around is to warm his bed and pop out a few kids when the time comes.  Now that you can’t even do that, maybe he’ll see you for what you really are.  Worthless.”

Worthless.

That’s the word your mind was playing on repeat as you sat on your bed, spinning that ring round and round.

You were so caught up in your thoughts that you didn’t hear the front door slam shut or Ransom’s loud footsteps as they climbed the stairs to your shared bedroom.  In fact, you didn’t register anything until your own bedroom door was thrown open, colliding with the wall behind it.  Ransom quickly started to pace the room, mumbling incoherent thoughts under his breath.  From previous experience, you knew it was best to let him pace and blow off some steam - but you had too much swimming around in your head to remember that today.

“Ran, are you OK?”

Stopping dead in his tracks, he spins to look at you before shouting, “DOES IT LOOK LIKE I’M OK TO YOU?!”

The next events were ones you’d seen early on in your relationship, long before you knew it was best to let him pace and calm himself down.  If you let him do that, he’d eventually come to you in an hour or so to calmly discuss his frustrations.  If you didn’t let him do that, he often screamed and shouted at whoever was closest and would listen.

Today, that person was you.

“There we were, Harlan and I, meeting with this new author.  Everything was going well until Walt walked in and fucked everything up.  We almost had the contract finalized before that shithead waltzed in and started bitching about terms of the deal he didn’t even have any fucking say over.  Can you believe it?”

On a normal day, you knew whatever Ransom mumbled under his breath wasn’t directed at you.

Unfortunately, today wasn’t normal.

“What a worthless piece of shit.”

A small gasp leaves your mouth as you look up at Ransom.  There’s that word again.  Worthless.  Using the little strength you have left, you look at him and whisper, “what?”

Huffing, he turns to look at you before yelling, “I said, WHAT A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!”

Faster than your mind can think, your legs carry you to the bathroom.  Slamming and locking the door behind you, you collapse to the hard tile as the first sob rips from your chest.  

Slowly, Ransom recovers from the initial shock of your reaction and rushes to the bathroom door.  Jiggling the handle, he swears under his breath.

“Kitten?  I’m sorry for yelling, sweet girl.  Can you open up the door for me?”  You can’t even hear him over your sobs.

Over the next few minutes, your crying dies down and you finally hear Ransom apologizing and asking you to open the door.  Standing up, you scoff at your tear-stained face and puffy eyes in the mirror, but it’s too late to do anything about that now.  Slowly, you walk over to the door and open it up, meeting a very concerned Ransom.

Instantly, you’re wrapped in his strong arms, causing the tears to start again.  When he starts pressing kisses to your hair, you wrap your own arms around his abdomen and hang on for dear life.  Eventually, he picks you up bridal style and sits down on the bed, settling you on his lap.  After a few more minutes holding each other in silence, he clears his throat and tips your eyes up to meet his.

“I’m so sorry, kitten.  There’s no excuse for blowing up at you like that.  You don’t deserve to be treated like that by anyone, let alone me.”

Sensing his regret, you start apologizing as well.  “It’s OK, Ransom.  You have every right to be frustrated, and I’m usually better about reading the situation and knowing when to leave you alone to calm down.  I should’ve just walked away when you came in.  It’s just,” sighing, you look down at your hands and start spinning Ransom's ring.  “I’ve got too many other things to think about today.”

After a few seconds, Ransom places one large hand over yours to stop your spinning.  Using his other hand to tilt your head up to look into his eyes, he responds.

“Stop apologizing, sweet girl.  You did nothing wrong.  Now,” lifting your hand up, he places a kiss on his ring.  “You’ve been spinning this ring since I got home.  What’s wrong?”

Looking down at your linked hands, you answer.  “Did you remember that I had my follow up appointment with my OBGYN today?”

“Yeah, you mentioned that this morning.  What did your doctor say?”

You take a deep breath and let it out and take a moment to study his perfectly blue eyes before you continue.  “They found a mass on one of my ovaries.”

Ransom, for once in his life, is speechless.

Taking his silence as an opportunity to continue, you push on.  “It’s about the size of a softball, and they’re going to have to surgically remove it and the ovary in a few weeks.  They don’t think it’s cancer, but they’ll do a biopsy after surgery to make sure.”

Breathing out a sigh of relief, Ransom smiles and kisses you on your forehead.  “Hey, we can get through this, kitten.  Surgery isn’t great, but at least the outcome looks good, right?”

Tears start brimming your eyes again and you force yourself to look away from his excited features.  Once again, his hands stop yours from twirling his ring.  This time, he doesn’t immediately make you look up at him.

“What else is it?”

A few tears roll down your cheeks, but Ransom turns your face towards his to cup your cheeks and wipe them away.  “Whatever it is, we’ll get through it.”  Pressing his lips to yours for a quick kiss, he pulls back.  “I promise.”

Bracing for the worst and hoping for the best, you start the harder half of the conversation.

“Do you remember that trip we took last year when we talked about the future?  Like if we were open to marriage, kids, stuff like that?”

“Of course, I do.”  It was Ransom’s turn to start fiddling with the ring on your finger.  “That’s the trip that I gave you my ring.”

For a brief moment, you catch yourself smiling at the memory.  Unfortunately, just as quick as the smile came, it fades away.

“What I’m about to tell you is going to throw a wrench in those plans, Ransom, and I want you to know that I understand if this is a dealbreaker for you.  If things are moving too fast and you want someone else who fits the plan we agreed on, I’ll completely understand…”

“KITTEN!”  You flinch at Ransom’s sudden outburst, but he’s quick to apologize.  “Sorry, but you’ve got to tell me what’s going on.  This talking in circles isn’t helping anyone.”

Welp, you think.  Here goes nothing.

“Since I have a history of endometrial and ovarian cancer on both sides of my family, my doctor is strongly recommending I get a hysterectomy in the next few years.”

You’re met with silence as Ransom processes through this new information.

“How many years is a few years?”

“Two, maybe three.  I don’t think you know this, but I’ve had two female cousins and one aunt get cancer before they turned 30.  Because of that, she’s concerned I’ll get cancer at a young age, too.  I can’t get ovarian or endometrial cancer if I don’t have those parts inside me anymore, so the sooner I get rid of them, the better.  Ultimately, if I want a chance at carrying my own biological children, I need to start trying now.”

Immediately and without any explanation, Ransom dumps you off his lap, gets off the bed, and walks directly into his closet.  You jump when you hear a drawer slam, but before you can fully react, Ransom’s back at the bed.  Pulling you to sit on the edge, he drops down on one knee in front of you.

Tears fill your eyes as he shows you the ring box in his hand.

“You’ve had to do a lot of talking today, sweet girl, so it’s only fair I get to talk for a while, OK?”

Nodding your head up and down, he smiles.

“Even though we decided on that trip last year we were going to wait and take our time before getting engaged, I knew you were the one.  The day after we got back, I contacted our jeweler so we had plenty of time to design the perfect engagement ring.  After sending in some pictures of your jewelry and giving some input of my own, we came up with this.”  Lifting the closed box up a few inches, he continued.

“The minute I saw it, I immediately knew this ring was meant for this finger.”  Picking up your hand, he placed a light kiss on your left ring finger.  “I knew right then and there I was ready to marry you.  Hell, I’ve almost proposed twice in the last few months, but I knew we had a plan - and I know you well enough by now that once you make a plan, you stick to it.  But you know what I think?”

“What?”

With a smug grin, he responds.  “I think this is the universe’s way of telling our plan to fuck off.”

For the first time all day, you release a full blown laugh - and the smile on Ransom’s face couldn’t get any bigger.

“We can get married today, we can get married next month, or we could wait ten years.  No matter when it happens, I know for a fact that I’ll always choose you.  So, we can throw our plans out the window or I can put this box away and save it for a few years down the road.  Either way, I’ll always end up with you, sweet girl.  So, what do you say?  Am I opening this or not?”

Without thinking, you pull Ransom’s face to yours and devour his lips with an eager kiss.  Tangling your hands in his hair to pull him closer, he wraps his arms around your waist to draw you in.  Your body buzzes from the passion and lack of air, and soon you’re forced to break apart to breathe.

It isn’t a hard decision, so why wait?

“Open it.”

[annakie]

Month 13.5 of 6. 

This morning, my vet and I made the right decision at the right time.

Final update.

Three years ago I made this lengthy post chronicling Patchy’s journey from crafty survivalist feral cat to multiple-times mother, to indoor-outdoor come and go as you please cat to fully inside cat to a pets loving cuddlebug.

I’m so glad I wrote that post then, so I can just look back at it now, and not have to type it all out now to remember her.  And that it was such a joyful post.  Remembering her at her best, and right before two years of complete pet contentment with her.

Thirteen and a half months ago I got the bad news that Patchy had Lymphoma.  I’m so glad I wrote all of that out when I did, so I don’t have to do it again now, and can just re-read it and remember how it felt.  And know that even with how upset I was that day, that her story didn’t end soon.

Since then I’ve made periodic updates on her progress.  And for damn near a year she continued to be in good health, relative to her condition.  Most of the time her symptoms were managed, she was in little or no pain, especially when we figured out what was happening around Christmas and fixed it.

Like I said in my last update, in the mid Spring she got her first bad vet update.  Since then she’s gone on and off double doses of her cancer medicine (Lasix), which the vet described to me as basically liquid chemotherapy.  We didn’t want to double dose for for long periods of time, so it’d be like on for a week or two, off for a few weeks.

End of June/early July was her last few weeks of double doses.  Vet said to come back in six weeks after a good weight check in at the first week of July. The appointment I had booked was for this coming Monday at 8am.

The last week or two she’s had days where she didn’t eat much, but right as I was getting ready to call and get her another appointment, she’d rebound and eat a ton the next day.  And this was like, twice in the last two weeks.  But she was also like, YELLING for food most of the time, especially her favorite treat, which I couldn’t give her much of because it would upset her stomach if she had more than a few bites (but the vet had cleared letting her have a little of it.)

So most of the time, she seemed normal.

Yesterday morning I woke up with her sleeping on my face. I didn’t mind.  I relished it for a minute before rolling her off so I could go to the bathroom.  I wish I’d waited just a little while more.

When she had another day where she didn’t eat much on Wednesday, I called yesterday morning to see if I could get her in early.

They had no appointments before my appointment Monday, so I asked for the Doctor to just call me when he could.  He called at 6:30pm last night (after the clinic had closed) and said he was making room for her at 9:30 this morning.

She didn’t eat at all yesterday after eating a little in the morning and throwing it all back up a little while later.  I spent a lot of yesterday just hanging out with her instead of working, tbh.  She jumped up on the bed with me both when I came to hang out during lunch and when I just stopped work early.  I petted her, rubbed her tummy, and told her what a good girl she is, so many times.

That third picture I posted above was from yesterday.  The next to last time she jumped up on the bed to cuddle with me.

I stayed as long as I could both times until I had to get up.

After work I ordered food, and after eating out here and taking care of the other cats, I went back in the bedroom and spent the entire night hanging out with her.  Watched the first half of Critical Role on the laptop.  She didn’t feel like hanging out on the bed with me.  I didn’t think she was too weak to jump up there and figured she would when she was ready.

I don’t think she got on the bed and slept with me at all last night.  I wish I would have tried to see if she would have if I’d have managed to pick her up and put there there, but she hates being picked up and usually runs under the bed if I get near her while standing in the room.

She spent most of the evening laying in her bed by the sliding glass door.  Buster and Peaches, the two orange feral cats, were out there for a lot of it, and Buster hung out right outside the window with her a lot.  He loves her, I jokingly call him Patchy’s Boyfriend and he would rub his face on the glass when he saw her hanging out at the window.

She threw up at least once while I was asleep, all bile.  She was still drinking and peeing, so I was hopeful that maybe today we could get her an IV, get her anti-nausea meds, and she’d feel fine for a little while longer.  Give her just a couple more weeks.

It’s weird how you can know something is coming for thirteen and a half months and so in some ways you’re very prepared but also it seems like it’s happening so fast.

I hadn’t really prepared myself for it being today yet.  I was preparing myself for maybe maybe having to bring her back to her appointment on Monday and deciding then.

But it didn’t really it me until we were in the exam room, and she was weighed and had lost over a pound, and saw my vet’s face when he saw her, and he gave me the look.  And then gently broke it to me that her breathing was bad, her heart was being pressed because... and he felt her intestines... the cancer had spread aggressively, and very rapidly, in the last couple of weeks.

Hindsight hit me so badly then.  I should have brought her in two weeks ago or more.

The doctor said honestly, it probably wouldn’t have mattered much.  The cancer was tired of being held back.  It was going to win.  It was ALWAYS GOING TO WIN.  We knew this. 

It was a already a miracle that she lasted this long.  She was the success story he told his other lymphoma patients.  He told me that the last time she had an appointment.  It wouldn’t have mattered much.  Maybe she could have lasted another couple of weeks, at best, if we would have put her back on double doses.  They probably wouldn’t have been very good weeks.

It was just time.  It was past time, to be honest.  The cancer was tired of losing.  Her body had finally run out of fight. 

He asked me what my plans were, what my thoughts were.  I asked if there was anything we could do to make her comfortable through the weekend so I would have a little more time to say goodbye, or if he thought today was the best thing for her instead.  I asked if she was in pain right now and would be in pain the entire time if I had a few more days with her.

He looked at me with compassion and care and told me that she was in pain.  She’d remain in pain.  That today was the best time.  Today was not too early, today was not too late.

I told him I trusted him and only wanted to do what was best for her.  I thanked him for everything he’d done for her.  I told him what a great team the three of us had been.  I told him I wanted to be there with her every moment until the very end. 

And after that, I told him I wanted a private cremation.

He gave us a minute so I could hold her and tell her how much I loved her.  How beautiful she is.  How brave and strong she has been.  What a survivor she was in life - making it for YEARS as a feral, birthing so many litters, accepting inside kitty life on her own terms, and she fought death with everything she had for so very long.  

I told her that she’d be going to a little house in heaven while Target, Sampo, Jim, and Cebu would be waiting to meet her or see her again.  She and Cebu had been friends, and I bet he’d be glad to see her again.  To tell them I love them and miss them when she sees them.  I’d be there someday with them, too.  She’ll have her own bedroom to hang out in when she wanted to.  It’s my heaven, it gives me comfort.

The vet came in and took her away for a moment to put the cafeter in.  I texted my family to let them know, and put the carrier back together so I wouldn’t have to when she was gone.

The doctor brought her back in, and let me say goodbye one more time before putting the sleep medicine in while I told her over and over again how much I loved her while stroking her head.  He gave me a minute while she went to sleep, then came in and gave her the other medicine to stop her heart.

He petted her gently and I watched her last small shudder and breath.

We talked about her for just a minute, and even laughed a little bit. 

I thanked him again, as I gave her one last pet and one last forehead kiss.

I left out the side door.  I got in my car.  I cried some more.  I had been holding-it-together-but-still-crying since I made the decision that it was going to be today.  So when I got in my car I gave myself a minute to actually properly cry. 

I messaged my bosses.  I answered a text from my family.

I put on some quieter music.  I drove home, crying.

I put her carrier away in the garage.  I went into the bedroom and for the first time in a very long time I didn’t close the door behind me.  I slid the door stop in, because the other cats could come in again.  Fry wasted no time taking advantage.

I grabbed the food I had left out for her that mostly went untouched yesterday and washed the bowls.

I replaced the trash liner in the trash can in the kitchen and threw away her medicines.

I cancelled the recurring subscriptions for the food only she ate.  There’s still more coming tomorrow I couldn’t cancel.  The other cats will get a treat for a few weeks, I guess.

I messaged some friends/friend groups on Discord.  I checked in on the bedroom.  Fry was already happily laying on the small cat tree that Patchy only liked sleeping under.  He’d eaten the treats she never finished on Wednesday night.

And I sat down to write this post.

I am okay.  I really am. 

It’s going to be hardest right before bed. I tried to go to bed an hour before going to sleep every night, so I could spend that hour hanging out with Patchy.  After I’d settle in, she’d jump up on the bed and plop down on the body pillow I use for under my legs.  I’d pet her for awhile, then play Switch and pet her at the same time, while listening to podcasts.  Or read while listening to music.  Up until I couldn’t sit up in bed any longer and laid down.  Then she’d cuddle up between my knees, or next to me, or sometimes just on my chest. 

Sometimes she’d fall asleep with me, sometimes she’d jump down to the floor and sleep there.  But she’d usually come up and visit most nights.  Sometimes waking me up with sleeping with her whiskers right in my face.   Sometimes almost strangling me with her back pressed into my throat, tucked under my chin.  Sometimes by purring hard and making biscuits right into my chest.  Happy little knives digging into me.  I minded that a little, but moved a blanket under her paws if I could.  And also she’d sometimes wake me up with the stinkiest poos you’ve ever smelt.  I’d have to get up and scoop the litter box a couple of times a week just to get back to sleep.

For the last year I knew every time she did this that there’d come a night that I’d be begging to have to that, or to be woken up by tiny knives or accidental cat strangulation just one more time.  So I never complained, I didn’t take it for granted.  So yeah.  That’s going to be tonight, and for many nights to come.

She was an amazing cat who lived an amazing life.  I gave her a life she wasn’t supposed to have.  She had three years and two months of getting pets she wouldn’t have ever gotten.  She had eight years of living an inside cat lifestyle that most cats born outside never get.

She had an entire extra year of quality life because of excellent veterinary care and a person who loved her so much that she made her take medicine and go to the vet.

She had a quiet, peaceful death where she wasn’t in terrible pain for many extra days, where the person who loved her the most was loving her as hard as she could in those final moments, with a doctor who cared for her, too.

She was extraordinary, and I was privileged, honored and so very lucky to call her mine. 

[adultingautistic]

Hi! Adult diagnosed with autism just recently and I’m trying to understand more terms used by the community! I have masking, stimming, and samefoods learn but are there other common ones I should know about?

Oh wow!  This is a good idea, a glossary of sorts! 

At first I was like “HOW WILL I EVER THINK OF THEM ALL?? MY MIND HAS GONE TOTALLY BLANK, WHAT’S AN AUTISM???”

But then I realized I already HAVE a pretty extensive list- it’s my tag list for this blog!  So, here ya go, starting with the 3 you listed:

masking

stimming

samefoods / samesong / samemovie

sensory input - the 5 senses, and how they interact with your brain.  When you see/hear/feel/smell/taste something, that is “input” into your brain

Bad Sensory Input / sensory hell - Autistics experience horrific sensory input in a way that allistics just do not, and there are no words to describe it, so we invented our own.  Bad Sensory Input is something that is far, far more horrible than just “unpleasant”.  For example, smelling a dumpster is a bad smell, but smelling mint for me is a Bad Smell, it makes me react very violently and almost puke, and I would much RATHER smell a dumpster than have to smell mint, so for me, mint is a Bad Smell.  

sensory sensitivity - Describes the condition of being affected by Bad Sensory Input

sensory overload - When your 5 senses are receiving too much information for your brain to handle.  Can lead to a meltdown/shutdown

autistic burnout - When you’ve been dealing with overload situations over an extended period of time, and run out of spoons (the energy it takes to do day-to-day things)

spoons - Not strictly an autistic term, but used by the entire disabled community at large.  Wikipedia explains it really well

self diagnosis / self dx - Because of a huge number of difficulties in getting professionally diagnosed, the autistic community accepts and advocates for self-diagnosis, that is, a person saying they are autistic based on their own personal experiences and research, without the diagnosis of a doctor

special interest / spIn (abbreviation, that’s a capital i) - More than “just a hobby”, an intense interest in a particular subject that takes away from learning about other subjects (causing “narrow interests” in the person), because so much time is spent on the special interest.  

hyperfixation / hyperfocus - When you are so engaged in the task you are doing that your brain has no room left to process other stimuli, such as hearing the world around you, realizing you need the bathroom, realizing you’re thirsty, etc

emotional overload - When your emotions become so intense it can send you into meltdown / shutdown

emotional dysregulation / emotional regulation - The inability to “reign in” emotions; having emotions that are much too big for a situation, having emotions that are a huge overreaction to a situation, or also a huge underreaction

auditory processing disorder - A hearing disorder that occurs when there is nothing wrong with the ears, but the brain struggles to interpret sounds.  Greatly affects the ability to understand speech.

echolalia / echologia - Repeating of words or phrases that you’ve heard, for various reasons.  Echolalia is repeating the words out loud, echologia is repeating them only in your mind

face blindness - A deficiency in the ability to recognize/remember faces

executive dysfunction / executive function - Poor executive function causes a person to struggle with planning, organization, remembering to do tasks, etc

propioception - the ability to feel the position of one’s body in relation to itself and the world around it.  Struggling with proprioception causes a person to be “clumsy” or “accident-prone”

meltdown / shutdown - A reaction to sensory or emotional overload.  The brain taking drastic measures to protect itself from more input, as it cannot handle any more.  Meltdowns are outward survival actions such as fight, flight, or hide, including kicking, screaming, or running away.  Shutdowns are internal reactions, where the person no longer responds to outside stimuli.

nonverbal - Nonverbal autistics are people who have very limited speech or are not able to speak

going nonverbal / becoming nonverbal - Many autistics are “partially” verbal, meaning they can speak when not stressed, but if they become overloaded lose their ability to effectively communicate with speech (called ‘going nonverbal’).  Can be a symptom of a meltdown/shutdown.  While I’ve seen this term used in the autistic community, @garbageonionpeople pointed out “I’ve seen a lot of nonverbal autistic ppl say they’d rather if people who are not nonverbal use something like “lose speech” instead of “go nonverbal”, since it gives the word an implication of impermanency”.

nonverbal communication / nonverbal cues - The parts of human communication that are not speaking, such as body language, facial expression, and gestures.  Autistics struggle to both interpret and display these forms of communication.

accommodation / self accommodation - The changing of an environment or behavior to alleviate autistic symptoms so that the autistic person can function in a less stressful way

abelism - Bigotry that stems from the attitude that disabled people are somehow worth less than non-disabled people.  The idea that disabled people are the ones who need to change to fit into an abled world is abelism.

allistic - a non-autistic person.

empathy / hyperempathy /hypoempathy - Empathy is the ability to feel the emotions of others.  Autistics tend to have either high empathy or low empathy, meaning we are either very affected by the emotions of others, or are not affected much at all.  This is not the same as compassion, autistic people with low empathy can still be very compassionate and care very much about others.

So even though this is a pretty good list, I’m sure I still forgot stuff!  If other people want to add stuff I forgot, please do so!  I also realize that these definitions are VERY short.  If you have more questions, search my blog for the tags, as all of these I got from posts I made with much more detailed explanations.  Or of course, search the tumblr tags, or google.

[samwrights]

Two Little Lines

Let’s just keep playing around with the pregnancy/baby theme, shall we? 😂😈 it’s going to be on the fluffier side, however, we are gonna sprinkle in some very mild NSFW. And we got real angsty with Kenma and we’re just gonna make em all real long. Sorry this took me a few days to do!

Kenma;

Let’s be honest, Kenma would be the cautious one that would more so plan for pregnancy.

Life’s going great for Kenma—great job, cushy life, hot wife??? How did he get so lucky?

Cause he’s cute af that’s how

He was finally ready to add another player to the party.

However, life can’t always be perfect and apparently neither can the two of you trying for a baby.

For the last year and a half now, Friday nights were your thing. No streaming, no work, no phone calls. You and Kenma—that’s it. And while he definitely had become very explorative in that time, every negative pregnancy test was wearing his drive down.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that Kenma isn’t a fan of going to the doctor, even to check on how his little swimmers are doing. “If it’s not meant to be, we’ll find another way.” But you could tell it was breaking his heart a little bit.

Frisky Friday’s became fragile Friday’s, in which the two of you really just cuddled in bed together, fireplace lit, and talked about hopeful dreams of finally having a child together, until one of you hopefully got in the mood.

Shit, this whole ordeal was even making your marriage rough. Kenma had been so hard on himself lately that he could barely look at you, which caused you to start to feel insecure, causing the both of you to fight.

It’s Friday night. No streaming, no work, and no phone calls. That was how it was supposed to be. But instead, Kenma is naked in bed atop the comforter, playing with his switch.

It’s pissing you off.

“I don’t know what you wanna do anymore, Kenma. Do you even want a family? Do you even want to be with me anymore?”

“Why would you even say that?” It’s Friday night. The two of you are supposed to be hanging out in bed, naked and just being together, not picking fights with each other. But since that seems to be the case, you see Kenma flush with anger.

“Maybe because you’re playing Animal Crossing instead of looking at me??” Your husband sighs before putting his switch on the night stand before taking down the loose knot that his hair typically resides in. He’s anxious. “You’re acting like I’m not upset about this too.”

As you’re talking to him, you cautiously clamber over him, your face filled with raw emotion. And, after being married for the better half of a decade, you can see what he’s feeling. Failure, distress, and pain were only the start of it. “Please, Kenma. One more time, and we’ll start looking at other options.”

Apparently one more time was all it took, according to the three pregnancy tests you’d taken a month later. Seeing those two little lines on one of the tests that your husband had bought in bulk sent your heart into palpitations. You were going to be a mom.

Kenma comes home from work that Friday—you decided to surprise him. “What do you want to do tonight Kenma?”

??? “Honey, it’s Friday. Don’t we usually...” he stops. Either you were giving up on trying, which you two would have discussed, or... “wait, you don’t mean...”

Holding up the positive pregnancy test, you begin to cry. Kenma does too.

“Baby Kozume has joined the party.”

Kuroo;

Only the two of you would get pregnant while having an IUD implant. Literally, that was just your luck. But it was still possible.

Which you had yet to tell Kuroo—at the moment you were thankful the two of you weren’t cohabitating yet because you were able to hide your unbearable morning sickness.

You were at least waiting to see your doctor to have your IUD removed before telling him, mostly out of fear but also because, if he did notice your morning sickness, you could pawn it off as symptoms of the removal.

You hoped that this wouldn’t take too long or as be as painful as it was going in, but then again you were going to be pushing a human out in nearly 8 months.

It’s a Wednesday afternoon; Kuroo has already finished classes for the day while you’re still out at your appointment. He did have a key to your appointment, but it was strange that you weren’t home considering you didn’t have classes.

He wasn’t gonna call you out on it though—Kuroo trusted you. Instead, he opted to just rummaging around your apartment, cleaning up dishes that were left standing in the sink and making lunch for the two of you.

The minute you walked through your door, the smell of his cooking wafted through the air and absolutely did not agree with you or the baby’s sense of smell. “Fuck,” you grit out before bolting to the bathroom to hurl.

??? = Kuroo.

“Babe? You okay?” Your response was more vomiting, which was apparent both by sound and by visual—you hadn’t even closed the door to the bathroom and Kuroo got to witness the scene clear as day.

In comfort, Kuroo rubs your lower back in an attempt to coax the remaining bile from your body. Disturbing, was the only way Kuroo could describe it, considering you rarely ever puked. In the last six years of dating, he’s only seen it once while you drunk.

When the nausea finally passed, Kuroo cleaned your face up with a warm rag before sitting you on his knee while he sat at the edge of the tub. “What’s wrong, baby?”

“That, actually.”

“What?” Kuroo’s a smart guy, however it took him a few minutes to decipher your two word puzzle. “Wait, seriously?”

“Yeah, I was gonna tell you today, actually. I just had to go get my IUD removed.” For a moment he’s stunned—the IUD was supposed to be nearly foolproof. But nearly is the key word.

“Babe, you’re pregnant! Holy shit, I gotta call Kenma and Bo and tell them they’re gonna be uncles!” 💀💀💀

“Sooo, you’re okay with it...?” After all, there was a reason you had chosen to go with an IUD after your guys’ last pregnancy scare two years ago.

After all, being a freshman in college wasn’t necessarily an ideal time to start a family.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” He balks.

“Because we’re college students that still have another year to graduate?” You deadpan as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“And? Now we’re gonna be married college graduates with little baby Kuroo.” M a r r i e d?

“I think you’re getting a little ahead of yourself, Tetsu.”

“What, you don’t wanna marry me?” For a minute, his face contorts with...confusion? Sadness? Anger? A myriad of all the above? “I’ve wanted to marry you since high school.”

“Is this a proposal?”

“The rings been in my gym bag since senior year.”

Akaashi;

Akaashi Keiji, contrary to popular opinion, was a real romantic.

Even as college students, while your focus should be on your studies, Akaashi never slacked on making you feel special and loved. He knew it, you knew it, and your poor neighbors that shared the wall between your bedrooms knew it.

Kinda made it awkward when the two of you would leave for class and you’d meet your neighbors’ eyes in the apartment hallway. But ya know, it is what it is.

Honestly, it’s too challenging not to go at it every day when your boyfriend is the sweetest, most endearing human to walk the planet.

But enough gushing about Akaashi. Four years into your relationship, you had never felt so off in your life. The last three weeks, all you wanted to do was sleep and eat, you couldn’t focus on anything at all. You couldn’t even have sex with Akaashi.

You know, your wonderful partner that you literally boned everyday? Yeah.

It felt like a permanent, three week PMS for a period that never came. Not that that was entirely abnormal for you—intense amounts of stress can throw off your menstrual cycle and stress was certainly no stranger to you.

But no. You knew your body and you knew it well. Something was wrong.

Just in case things went awry, you scheduled a doctor’s appointment with Keiji’s knowledge. After all, it could very well be nothing and there was no point in causing your man to worry.

“Miss, were you aware that you’re nearly six weeks pregnant?” 💀💀💀 obviously not, doc.

Not entirely convinced, whether because you’re a tad dense or because you really just don’t want to believe the doctor, you swing by a local drug store to grab a test. Just in case, like somehow the doctor would be wrong.

Thankfully, you get home before Akaashi is back from work for the evening, giving you the privacy of seeing your results with your own eyes. Even though you literally could go look at the results and notes from your doctors visit, but ya know.

You don’t even know how long you sat on the floor of your shared bathroom, just staring at the two little lines. You didn’t even realize Akaashi came home.

He calls your name, at first not necessarily concerned that the only light in the apartment was peeking from under the bathroom door. But with no answer, he calls out your name again. No answer. “Honey, is it okay if I come in?”

“Y-yeah?” You aren’t really sure how to answer. How the hell was Akaashi going to react? You guys didn’t have time for a kid?? You’re completely zoned out, staring blankly at the bathtub in front of you. Lowkey, you’re freaking out Akaashi.

Even more so when he sees your hand loosely cradling the pregnancy test—judging by your reaction, he knows what the result is. But he can’t think of anything to say, what is there even to say?

He’s not upset, no. Shocked? Obviously. Mad, not at all considering he’s just as much responsible. The “R” word is what triggers him.

Responsible, in the sense that in less than a year, the two of you were going to be parents. It swelled joy within him. While the two of still had yet to speak, Akaashi comes to your side, sliding down the wall to sit beside you before wrapping his arms around you.

“So, are you hoping for a boy or a girl?”

[genderpains]

Vent/rant/ramble tw idk

agh I was talking to my coworker the other day and I told him abt how my muscles and bones and body aches all the time since I was in like middle school and how my joints hurt and sometimes I need help getting out of a crouch/off my knees because my knees hurt so bad, and how doctors r just like “whelp loose weight and you’ll b better”, and he said his sister is the same and she got diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and her symptoms started when she got her period,, and idk I don’t want to take resources away from ppl with chronic illness/disorders/disease(?) but I’ve always had chronic pain, especially back pain, and it’s a running joke in my family that I can feel the rain b4 it rains (old ppl bones/ body lmao), and all my doctors have just said, oh growing pains, loose weight, take Advil etc. idk I just wanted to talk abt it, since my therapy appointments r on thursdays. And I always have this creeping fear that I’m making stuff up, like every time I have memories or talk abt something, I immediately preface it in my brain that it could be fake, even though I’m almost certain it’s not. Another thing is that because I’ve had this chronic pain for so long, I don’t actually know if it hurts? Like what if what I describe as sore is actually really bad pain and aches, but I’ve had it for so long I’m used to it? And again I just have this terrible feeling that I’m making it up and I’d be taking resources from others, and I wouldn’t want to do that, I don’t want to upset anyone either, idk just thoughts I guess. The soreness has been worse since the other day when I started deep diving into otherkin stuff, and it make me think abt my body (which I always avoid) and so now I’m just sore all over and every time I come back to myself after zoning out “, its like I’m missing a step, like how a record sounds when it starts skipping, like for a brief moment my body feels like it’s being dragged behind and I’m all fuzzy and my hair stands on end, I guess I’m just not feeling well today. And I have work at 4:30 but I’m worried I might zone out/get fatigued while I’m carrying something (I work in a warehouse/donation center and lift stuff all the time) it’s my first job so I don’t want to call out, and I honestly enjoy the work, but I’m exhausted everyday now, I just hate being all mentally fuzzy/I’ll, it sucks, legit I have 3 dx of depression ,seasonal, dysthymia, and major, so my body is chronically tired all the time I hate it. I wish I didn’t have mental health problems, shit sucks straight ass

[cuntess-carmilla]

i got a doctor's appointment and i tried to talk about my issues but i was having a bad brain day with no sleep and my support person (who was supposed to accompany me to make sure im being treated fairly) had to cancel because they got sick, and the doctor kept bringing up my mental health diagnoses.. despite me telling him multiple times that 1) the diagnoses are there for medication, i dont fit the diagnostic criteria fully for any of them 2) my therapist is agreeing that my physical health seems worrisome and shouldnt be dismissed as "psychosomatic" in the way that word is usually used. like it was bad enough that when i brought up my dehydration and constant water drinking, he started talking about that as a symptom of a serious state of psychosis but like... i'm obviously not experiencing psychosis? ive never been observed to be experiencing a psychotic episode so thats completely irrelevant to me.. and then he randomly started talking about my "exotic last name" and derailed the conversation. i honestly feel like im being gaslighted by the attitudes around me to disregard my own reality and experiences.. like i just had a week-long vacay that i exerted myself before and despite my hardest efforts, it took me about 5 days to recover enough that i didnt feel unbearably exhausted. like thats not normal? i enjoy my friend's company and i desperately wantrd to make clay figurines n draw and play games but i had to nap every day just to grt through it. and my friend means well but i dont think me sleeping is making me worse. sorry for tje small novel im just very tired n domt feel likr anybody around me gets it ): -nausea anon

also i dont mean to use your inbox as a diary or otherwise seem inconsiderate of your energy and time, i hope my continuous asks arent crossing a boundary and if it at any moment feels inappropriate, im sorry and i'll stop. i hope youre having a pleasant start of 2022

First of all, I'm so sorry I took so long to answer. First the thing with Bruno happened and then I had an annoying combination of POTS flare and my period so I was pretty brain fried. Second, you're not crossing any boundaries, love. I'm open to others coming to me with these sorts of messages. As long as I'm given basic minimum respect and all of that, it's fine.

I'm so sorry that the doctor you saw turned out to be such a piece of shit. How the fuck does psychosis cause dehydration outside of maybe some medication having that as a side effect? I'm assuming you're not taking antipsychotics since you don't have psychosis, but even if you do he's still blaming it on the psychosis itself rather than the hypothetical medication wtf.

And to top it all off by being racist/xenophobic??? LMAO wtf. Wtf is wrong with doctors.

Anyway, yes, you're 100% being gaslighted into not trusting your own experiences of your bodymind and disregarding your reasonable concerns about your health, as it typically happens to people like us. What you described is absolutely not normal for an able-bodied person who's vacationing with friends.

[cardentist]

I’m relatively new to the marble hornets fandom, but one thing I’ve noticed is that people don’t seem to realize just How affected jay was (by the operator and by the investigation in general) and how early on it started. which I really think is relevant when people point out some of jay’s apparent Poor Decision Making. this is Definitely because of how deemphasized it is in the show itself (Especially season 1) but you really can get a feel for it when you go digging.

I’ve talked before about how it’s Very Likely that jay already had some form of ptsd by the start of the series (Link) but what gives us the clearest picture of jay’s health is actually his twitter account. (Link)  If you’ve never taken the time to read it before then I Highly suggest scrolling down to the bottom and working your way through, it’s a surprisingly fast read! but for the purposes of this post I made a Highlight Reel of really anything I saw that was relevant to either jay’s mental health, his physical health, or his obsession with the case that you can see in full here: (Link)

I’ll be using the most Pressing screenshots from that post to make my point here, but you really do get the full Effect scrolling through.

putting a readmore down to hopefully not spam people with screenshots ljksfad Warning for spoilers, talk of chronic illness, eating issues, difficulty with unreality, and other various mental and physical health issues

just as a note: this is going to have a Lot of focus on season 1 because this is where a lot of jay’s issues are established. I definitely have a Lot to say about the other two seasons but I won’t report on every instance where he’s paranoid or sick, I’ll be focusing more on the extremes!

looking through the whole series, videos tweets and all, it becomes Very apparent that jay has a Consistent pattern of behavior where he fixates on the investigation (and the people affected by it) to the detriment of his own health and safety. from the more mundane (digging through hundreds of hours worth of footage to exhaustion) to the more Extreme (following alex into the abandoned building Knowing he’s dangerous and that he’s probably going to hurt him because he Might find some answers).

(which on that note, while it’s definitely due in no small part to the influence of the operator and the extreme stress of the situation, you could pretty easily interpret jay with adhd, hyperfixating on research and video making.)

while I knew I’d find that going in, but I wasn’t expecting it to be hammered in so Quickly. this was posted the Second Day after his twitter had gone up

this continues, with jay occasionally mentioning how tired he is from compiling entries, feeling disorganized, and not being able to sleep in between him actively posting about sifting through tapes on a near daily basis. Then in july he starts actively getting Sick

104 fever, not well enough to work for Three Days. and there’s no telling how long it’d been building up without him noticing until then. he mentions being sick throughout august for long stretches of time (at least a solid week once), and it only gets worse from there

And something of note here, while he Does mention when he’s feeling particularly awful sometimes, for the most part he mentions his health when it affects his ability to go through and post about the tapes. there’s no telling just how frequently he was sick or exhausted when it Wasn’t worth mentioning. He only mentioned the results of the doctor’s visit a week later after he was specifically asked about it

and it’s Very apparent that whatever’s going on is Pretty Severe 

it’s after this point that he largely stops giving us specific updates on how sick he feels, but it’s also still very clear that he is sick. he mentions how out of it he is or how Bad a week’s been after he goes long stretches without updates. and he’s still going to the doctors in November

that leaves me with the impression that things haven’t improved, he’s just stopped mentioning it. he tried getting help for it with no luck, the sickness didn’t stop so there wasn’t much more he could do about it besides adapt. while I’m certain that his health would fluctuate over the course of the show, I don’t believe he stopped getting sick. tim’s sickness never really went away, and jay was bad enough by the end of the series that he was having seizures like he was (there’s really no telling if that was his first or if it was just the first time it’d been Caught).

so from here on out it’s a safe guess that everything jay does is with backdrop of sickness and exhaustion.

then, of course, this is where jay starts being more open about his paranoia (which has certainly been an undercurrent for a while now)

also of note: this isn’t the first time he’s mentioned having a difficult time trying to keep things straight in his head and it won’t be the last. he was already starting to doubt his memories and his senses back in 2009.

moreover, paranoia and fear (and possibly fixation) about the situation has him holling up in his house, to the point that he’s running out of food. how long has this been an issue? and if it’s an issue in 2009, then just how bad is it going to be when he’s running himself in and out of hotels too afraid to stay in one location? how often has he been forgetting to eat while burying himself in tapes and fear?

whether it’s from the operator, his slipping memory, the results of fixating on his work for as long as he has, his frequent sickness, the paranoia, or any combination therein, we can add brain fog to the list

and again, a case for jay’s fixation on finding answer. he wakes up in his house with no memory of how he got there, confused and in pain, digs through the footage on his camera, and has the entry up the same day. this was the point where he’d visited brian’s house again, only to be teleported around and meet the operator face to face. he says in the entry that he’s never going back to the house again, that he’s done with the case, but well.

much further down the timeline jay would say that he had no idea what he was doing with his life before he started down this rabbit hole, that he was miserable and directionless and alone. He didn’t know what he would do with himself when all of this was over, he just knew that while he was taking the case on he was at least doing Something. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that this was always true, that part of his obsession with it was tied to feeling absolutely nothing for his life without it.

and sure enough, a week later and we get the idea that his paranoia is only getting worse, followed by him breaking and going back to search through the footage.

He posts more about his paranoia in february, but it’s in march that he’s scared out of his house by totheark only to have his apartment burned down. he only seems to learn about this march 24th, and he uploads the entry with the news footage on the 25th

while it’s true that he seemed to have taken a break after that upload, he’s back again on 4th with the cryptic text message. It’s between then and the 18th that he’d start his Long tradition of hotel hopping.

the final entry for season 1 is up the next day. We can’t know for sure exactly how truthful jay was when he said he was feeling better in entry 26, operator sickness tends to fluctuate with exposure just like any other mental illness. what we Can say is that jay got exactly 10 days of quiet between his apartment burning down and alex contacting him again, and after he was contacted he was afraid enough to start hotel hopping.

if 10 days is what jay merrick describes as a break, then my god. the implication that in an entire year jay merrick hadn't gone a 10 day stretch without looking at the tapes is, Something.  

this is where things take a real shift, both in the narrative and in jay’s tweeting patterns! this is the period where jay went radio silent working with alex for 7 months, only to forget everything. the only insight we have on how he was doing at this point is what came before, and the tapes he’d uncover in season 2. my best educated guess is to say that he is doing Not Great.

it’s of course after the operator wiped his and jessica’s memories that he starts up tweeting again, he doesn’t remember why he stopped at this point after all. but he’s also far less talkative between entries. in the beginning especially we’d Hear when he was sick, when he wasn’t sleeping, because he’d update frequently enough that he felt the need to explain when he wasn’t able to. this change is most likely due both in part to not feeling safe enough to be as talkative publically anymore, and on his focus on figuring out what’s going on.

that’s not to say that we don’t get Anything from this time period however.

we get quite a lot of talk about lack of sleep, exhaustion, etc throughout the beginning of the year. insomnia and jay staying up late to work on entries is to be expected, but this is the first time that we hear about jay Oversleeping. I’d say he’s long overdue for it considering how much he’s gone through at this point (and for how long), though it’s Also notable as possibly being a symptom of either illness or depression that we Aren’t hearing about.

this one just makes me sad

it’s Relatively quiet after this, with jay making light commentary here and there. the general vibe is that he’s hard at work when, of course, entry 32 comes along.

jay just Stops after jessica is taken. he doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t even start looking through the tapes for over three weeks. he couldn’t keep himself away from the tapes for that long after he was face to face with the monster or after his house was burned down. that says more about his state of mind than anything else could have.

there’s some mentions of possible sleep issues and jay feeling paranoid (more specifically, not feeling safe anywhere at all), but things don’t Really pick up until march

jay tries to upload entry 37 throughout the day, but no matter what he does he can’t remember the password for the account. this continues on into the 22 Until

“enttry #37“ is uploaded the next day, the footage of alex’s birthday, it’s linked on his twitter, and then six days later

He posts about how the footage he’d found earlier was deleted on his laptop and how he needs to get back Fast. he takes a rest stop on the 30th to charge his laptop and look through the red tower one more time to make sure he didn’t miss anything. and then Nothing until

he doesn’t get back for nearly an entire Week. now, it’s important to mention that there’s been speculation that this was going to be where the original skully reveal would take place, which is believable enough. but whether or not that’s what it was Going to be, the implications with what we have Now are, troubling to say the least. we’ll probably never know exactly what happened here but It’s Not Good. what did he eat? what did he drink? how did he sleep? Poorly, I’d Imagine.

this may also be what his earlier brain fog was leading into. losing track of the days of the week turning into losing track of the days entirely. but we’ll never know for sure

after this we actually get quite a lot about jay’s general discomfort, paranoia, memory loss, and regret scattered over the months. none of it is specific but a lot of it is tied directly to his discomfort with the tapes, which has turned into a constant with every upload. we can certainly tell that he isn’t doing well, but this message is particularly notable because it mentions a specific symptom that we haven’t seen before.

at this point jay’s paranoia and anxiety is bad enough that he can’t sit in silence anymore, and if he’s mentioning it so casually now it’s likely been an issue for a while. jay doesn’t tell us everything, and there’s almost certainly worse that hasn’t been said.

jay has Significant problems with sleeping throughout august that seep into september, to the point that he calls it “worse than usual.” but this is overtaken by his horror at entry 49. jay censored alex beating a man’s head in, but he had to watch it unedited, and it clearly took his toll. he didn’t even want to share it but ultimately decided that the world needed to have it if anything happened to him. but that wasn’t the end of it.

he spends nearly the entire month trying to find Any sign of who this man was. this is a specific aspect of jay’s personality that I think gets overshadowed by the perception of him as stupid. what he is is overworked, over his head, and impulsive, but he’s not stupid. but this is an Excellent example of jay’s dedication (bleeding into obsession).

this is obviously speculation on my part, but I think you can read this two ways (or a mix of them both): either jay is worried that something about the operator wiped away the man’s existence (like being taken made people forget about him somehow). Or he’s motivated by guilt, feeling responsible for having been there the day the man got crunched only to run away, desperately looking for any sign that Somebody had bothered to care about him.

things are relatively quiet after this until just after entry 50

something jay’s mental health really doesn’t need: more evidence of people breaking and entering while he’s asleep. what’s interesting here is that he went much quieter after this, just a handful of tweets relating directly to the next entry. I think you could either read jay being less open about how he’s doing on twitter as him being Well Aware that the people who want to hurt him (or who he Thinks want to hurt him in the case of hoodie and masky) have access to it, and in part because he’s doing so much Worse now.

the end of season two that the start of season three, of course, brings tim back into jay’s life and with it a Much needed distraction from his fear and paranoia. we’ll never know how jay reacted to the news that alex had tried to kill him in the moment, but we do know that it shifted his mindset from passively digging through the old tapes to actively trying to hunt alex down. tim was a Living Breathing lead, something he could actually Grasp Onto. and in light of what was likely something Very horrific that became a new fixation for jay.

he’d live blog about looking for tim from november 28th to march 8th, this was the most active he’d ever been on twitter and I think it absolutely speaks to how desperate he was for this to go somewhere. he even got to do some breaking and entering ! that said, having a distraction didn’t mean that there weren't a few noteworthy.

jay’s Current lack of trust is what’s going to lead to his and tim’s blowout later on. we can’t know how tim would’ve reacted if jay had been honest from the beginning (and it honestly would’ve gone poorly anyways), but tim’s confrontation with jay was honestly using his anger at being lied to as an outlet for the horror he felt at learning the truth of what’d been going on. he definitely would’ve still been angry and hurt, but he wouldn’t have had a direction for that anger. they might’ve started working together sooner.

however at this point jay doesn’t know who wants to hurt him and who doesn’t, he doesn’t feel safe talking to strangers on the street, let alone someone he already knew stalked him for two years. both of their reactions are understandable, and you can see the collision course coming when you step back far enough.

jay is Very quiet about what’s going on with him at this point. there are a few updates about his general paranoia and fear as well as him live tweeting about things relevant to the plot (thinking about coming clean to tim, posting tweets and pictures of trying to find tim after hoodie stole his medication, solving the totheark code that troy forgot to post a key for), but there’s only a handful of standout tweets that give us something new about his mental health scattered throughout the series.

this absolutely does not mean that he’s in a better place of mind, but what it does mean is that he’s being less open about it. tim didn’t know just how bad jay was and he’d been living with him. the fact that we have less to work with at this point is more an indication that he doesn’t feel safe sharing anymore (he hasn’t for a while) and a possible sign that he’s already gone into denial about his health (not wanting to connect it to the operator because of what that’d mean for him).

that said, we can take a look at what’s left for us.

this is from after jay had tim take him to the abandoned hospital for the first time and before the entry of it went up. this is notable because it’s one of if not the first time that it’s been directly stated that buildings associated with the operator can cause sickness. that or we can infer that the operator was actively strengthening its influence on them at the time (which might’ve also contributed to both of their irritability in the entry itself).

I don’t think this is notable because this is jay’s First nightmare, but rather I think it’s notable for him because his memory of it is totally gone. it’d make sense why this’d scare him at this point considering well, the entire series of marble hornets. but it does raise the question of how many more nightmares Weren’t worth sharing to him and how often they contributed to his sleeping problems.

next it’s worth noting that entry 67 messed jay up a lot. likely because it was solid evidence that alex was out there actively hunting them down (and just how close tim had gotten to being taken after he’d been throttled by the operator). He ends up posting about it Twice, as opposed to his previous strategy of not at all.

now finally, Finally. I’d like to talk about jay’s state of mind leading into his death. lets start with the timeline

jay doesn’t say anything at all between entry 74 and entry 75. tim had been running the account while jay was out of it, but jay had come to at least by august first, entry 75 was posted august 23rd. this is jay, and he has absolutely nothing to say.

he’s only just come out of his zombie state, he’s stolen the tape from tim (after trying to give him the chance to come clean), and he’s run off. we don’t get anything else out of him until september 3rd.

jay’s waited almost 2 weeks not only to watch the tape, but to even say anything at all. in my opinion? I think he’s afraid to not have anyone left to trust, let alone tim. he wouldn’t have given tim so much time to come clean himself otherwise, he wouldn’t be afraid of even looking at the tape otherwise. part of it is the sting of having his trust betrayed before, of closing himself off, and then trying to trust again. part of it is that he genuinely cared about tim. he wants to believe in tim, and he’s making it absolutely clear here.

it took him another 9 days to work up the courage to watch the tape, a full 20 days since the entry showing he got the tape was posted (and possibly longer, since we don’t know how long the video took to make). he was That afraid of not being able to trust tim anymore. of course, we know now that what’d actually get to him was realizing that jessica was gone. he’s mentioned before that he blamed himself for jessica being taken. that was what’d kept him going for years at this point and now she’s just, Gone. Gone For Good Gone.

the specific timeline here is a little harder to sus out. the gaps between some entries are too long to really make sense and what we’re getting on twitter aren’t as overt as they have been before. but here’s my best attempt to straighten it out.

jay sits on this for roughly a month, likely trying to process something that he’d used as a crutch to help him keep going bursting into smoke and grieving for someone he doesn’t really know but that he’d cared deeply for anyways. it eventually reached the point where the events of entry 82. he desperately goes back to the tunnel, the last place he saw jessica go in the video, for any last trace of her, any sign that she could still be alive, and doesn’t find any. he tries to reach out to tim, he tells him that he’s seeing things, that the world is shifting around him, that he’s sorry and that he understands why tim did what he did.

we don’t get an insight in what this month was like for jay, but it’s clear that he had a steady decline. he’s scared, he’s alone, he knows he needs help. and then the operator takes him. we never see exactly what happens to him after the seizure, and with the montages we’ve seen from tim’s titty cam it really could’ve been anything. but whatever it was it was enough to change jay’s entire attitude.

this is the last thing that jay posts before entry 77 goes up. it’s hard to say when this was posted for sure, because 77 was up 3 days later on the 16th, but I think it has to take place after jay was assaulted by the operator. jay thought he could call tim beforehand, we saw him try on video, and there’d be no reason to try to contact him through twitter if he knew he had an easier way. what this tells us is that jay woke up after the operator attack, tried to call him an unknown number of times, failed to reach him because the operator was still blocking his calls on tim’s end, tried to reach tim through twitter, and Then went out to try to confront tim likely believing that tim was intentionally trying to avoid him.

that mental image alone hurts me, but this means that even after everything jay was still trying to reach out to him.

at this point jay was in, some kind of denial just like everyone else. it hurt to feel like he was responsible for jessica’s death so he had to believe that she was still out there, he had to believe that it was someone else’s fault. he didn’t want to hurt tim like alex did, he didn’t want to push tim away like brian did, he wanted tim to laugh and pull jessica out of his closet where she’s been hiding this whole time. he wanted to believe the truth wasn’t real because it hurt.

the desperateness that he begs tim to leave his camera Also gets to me. jay’s mentioned for years that the point of recording and uploading footage was to make sure someone would know what happened if “something happened to him.” he pointed the camera away from jessica for 30 minutes and something Did happen to her. that's been weighing on him for years but never more than it has been for the past month.

then when hoodie comes for him, lets him free himself, and runs off one of the first things jay did was go to tim’s medicine cabinet and make a noise of frustration at finding all of the bottles empty. he knew that something was wrong, he knew that he wasn’t thinking straight anymore, and on some level he still believed tim. but there wasn’t anything there, everyone was gone, and he was running out of time.

now, I wanna paint another picture here. according to tim, the footage he found on jay’s laptop was dated the day before jay came to confront him. jay tried to reach tim through twitter at 8pm so it’s safe to assume that it was posted the day before he decided to meet him in person. jay spent october 13th getting his shit kicked in, he was hogtied on october 14th, and the entry showing their confrontation was up on october 16th.

jay follows tim, he searches through the school, and then chooses to keep watch in the building overnight.

jay’s had issues with food since the first day of marble hornets, Literally. it’s possible he snacked before he came to confront tim, or on the way to the school. it’s possible the upload dates are one off (the timeline certainly gets wonky going off of upload dates after this). but even still, at the time he was getting shot he was on at least day two without food (and likely much much longer), and at least 48 hours without sleep (again, almost certainly longer). On Top Of Everything.

jay merrick didn’t stand a chance

there’s so So much more I could get into, especially if I started poking more at the entries themselves or the Implications of some of the things I’ve talked about here. but that’ll have to come another time, I’m very tired jfklsd

[tundrainafrica]

1) about the social class headcanon that you write, that’s actually makes sense, but isn’t exactly what i meant. According to Isayama, Hange when she was young looked very much like Eren in the way of acting (even more with the titans), and (this part I am not sure if it is true) she lost her family at the fall of the maria wall. Eren looked like a rebellious teenager angry at everything, and recently I found out that depression in teenagers and children tends to manifest itself that way

2) (anger and rebellion), well, we know Eren was depressed (it only got worse with time) but what about Hange? seems to me she learned to hide her feelings so it wouldn't be between her and her job. We don't know her past, she probably didn't grow up in a violent place like Levi but it doesn't mean that her life was all joy and happiness you know.. 

---------------------------------------------   MY ANSWER   --------------------------------------

Hello Anon, 

Thank you again for your ask! Woops, sorry if I didn’t answer your  questions. I answered those two asks in a row so I ended up just building off of the last one. 

I don’t think it was ever confirmed if Hange lost her family at the fall of Wall Maria. I did some research and couldn’t find stuff on my end. If you could send me some on that, I’d love to read it.

I am aware at least that no one’s life is all joy or happiness. I think there is a difference though with growing up without ever having to consider your next meal and living in abject poverty. 

There are people who have had time to be a child and there are people who haven’t. So I think to a degree, Hange had more of a childhood than Levi. And a normal childhood is incredibly important for every single child. The early years are crucial because that’s where children build wonder, curiosity. That’s one of the psychological reasons behind children’s books. They make everything so fantastical to heighten the senses of the children. Because in fact, children only get full control of their senses later in life. Before they are even able to make sense of everything, everything is just a huge bubble or conglomeration of senses. That’s why children are so perceptive, imaginative and quick to learn things like languages. Their view of the world isn’t set yet by the rules and norms of the society they live in. 

That’s why asking children questions and exposing them to so many different things at a young age and providing for them is important. Children need to see the wonder of the world while not having to consider their next meal, their danger. A childhood is generally where curiosity and imaginative thinking is most easily built. 

And that’s why I say, that Hange somehow is a lot more curious, sees a lot more wonder than Levi. Similar to Erwin, he had a pretty comfortable existence, he went to a good school, he had a father who engaged him and that’s why Erwin was able to think beyond what was within the walls. Same for both Eren and Armin. Eren had his father who probably fed him some info and Armin had his parents books and his parents who were curious enough to build that hot air balloon

And, I know about that scene in the manga that explained that it was the lightness of the titan head that got Hange curious about titans. I think kicking the titan head was a good catalyst for titan research but I suspect that even before that, Hange was curious about the outside world. Hange’s interest extends beyond titans for sure because it was confirmed by Isayama already that Hange would have been studying botany outside the walls if it wasn’t for the titans. Also, the way Hange is handling the new world where she’s constantly on top of developments in Paradis etc, also shows that titans are only one facet of her scientist personality.

Besides, if she didn’t have that wonder and curiosity about the outside world, I don’t think she would have done something as ridiculous as join the survey corps in the first place.

“Eren looked like a rebellious teenager angry at everything, and recently I found out that depression in teenagers and children tends to manifest itself that way”

Although depression can manifest itself in anger, similar to Eren’s probably, there’s no exact formula for how humans react to anything. It’s incredibly complex that the field of psychology (or any other field) is just a conglomerate of people and a bunch of reports and the people trying to make sense of all the results of the experiments they made. This is particularly true in the social sciences where any findings won’t point to anything as exact as those in the pure sciences.  

Anger and rebellion could also stem from someone having grown up in a rich family with strict rules on how to go about this and that is generally how it fits into my head canon. Someone can have a good relationship with their family while at the same time have qualms about how they were raised. To be honest, I’m probably the same way. I grew up in a relatively well off family, I was a generally angry teenager but I admittedly have a generally positive relationship with my family. 

Okay to tackle the issue on depression

 <Trigger Warning on Depression>

I don’t want to be quick as to define any action or any emotional analysis as depression. Depression is an incredibly complex subject, there are biological causes, life events and it manifests itself in so many different ways. So many different ways in fact, that people are rarely diagnosed with just depression. There are always diagnoses which accompany it. 

To be honest, I went through a period in time also where I was considering ending it. I was sleeping a lot. I quit everything. I went straight home from school. Barely talked to anyone.  I talked to a counselor about it, then a therapist but it took them months before they wanted to give the diagnosis of depression. I actually never pushed through with the sessions after a while, got busy with school and eventually, this cleared up on its own weirdly. I’ll never know actually if I was depressed during that period in time. Was I going through very stressful life events, definitely. Were my answers to the tests they were giving me alarming then? Probably. They could have pointed to depression. But I generally got past it and am generally a happier person now without much intervention. So was it even considered depression? I’ll never know. Some people who are probably much stronger than me needed interventions to stay functional. They needed to make radical life decisions, like move out from their parents place, change their courses to keep going. They needed meds to keep functioning everyday. 

Depression is a complex and  terrifying condition and manifests itself in so many different ways. In fact, talking to some friends who really watched their life spiral down because of this shitty condition. Towards the later stages of depression, they weren’t even feeling anything anymore. 

Could Hange have been experiencing symptoms similar to depression? Definitely. General teenage anger and hormones can manifest as symptoms of depression. Grief can manifest with symptoms of  depression. Loss can manifest with symptoms of depression. Trauma can manifest with symptoms of depression. Hange will have experienced a lot of things that 

Note : Also Eren’s depression? I honestly think given the experiences he had, inheriting the founding titan and inheriting centuries worth of trauma, I think his experience is beyond fathomable for the average person so I chalk that as completely something else. 

Okay, to answer your question, Hange was probably not in the best mental state late into Season 4. 

Of course she wasn’t, she lost Moblit, she lost Erwin and suddenly she was pulled into a place with so much responsibility. And she was probably suffering from a case of survivor’s guilt on top of that.

Hiding emotions comes down a lot to discipline, self control and the general strength of your inhibitions.. Emotions are manageable like I could say, I have successfully stopped myself many times from punching someone in the face. Someone’s ability to stop themselves from acting on impulses, someone’s ability to manage their inhibitions is dependent on numerous factors like home environment etc. It is also dependent on the context of that moment where someone has to choose between punching someone in the face or walking away, on the context of that moment where people choose between lying in bed and letting the day go by and standing up and plastering a smile on their face. I guess, that’s the point I wanted to make in a previous post. If Hange did grow up rich, she probably found it a little easier, to plaster a smile on her face because not ever having to experience desperation at an early age, coming to the realization that you’ve had it easier than a lot of people growing up, can do that to people. 

But yes, towards the end of season 4, she was going through something. She was struggling, despite her smiling face. But really, in attack on titan, who is happy post chapter 122? Like I cannot think of a single person in that manga who is happy at that point. Please tell me if you can think of anyone. 

Would I chalk up Hange’s true feelings to depression?

Manifestations of depression maybe? Post traumatic stress? Stress with little time to process anything or rest? Exhaustion? Not being in the best mental state? Maybe.

I wouldn’t use the word depression definitely. 

Depression is an incredibly heavy world with so many implications. In fact, it’s a medical condition which needs to be diagnosed thus, I wouldn’t use that at all to describe anyone’s situation unless they have had multiple consultations with multiple doctors and have been laid a final diagnosis. 

I hope this clears things up.

Thank you for the ask again. I appreciate it :D

[daisylincs]

I kinda want to know what this Angsty Post-Hive Pregnancy for staticquake is about now...

Grace 😍😍😍 Hello, sweetheart, and, first of all, I am so sorry for letting this sit so long 🙈 But you know how things can get sometimes (s o c r a z y, right???) Anyway, yeah, I’m terribly sorry, but I’m also on break now (and very happy about it!!) so here I am to answer this question at long last.

And, my, what a question!

The (angsty) Post-Hive Pregnancy fic, which can currently be found at number 140 on my WIPs list, is actually one of my fondest and closest-to-home ideas - closest to home because, funnily enough, it was actually inspired by real-life events. 

To illuminate: as you know, I started watching AoS in the beginning of this year, during the lockdown, and joined the AoS fandom (and started to write fic, too, for the first time!!) in May. Now, right about in this time, one of my cousins got pregnant - and, yes, she’s going to be teased for all eternity about having a lockdown baby, lmao. But the thing is - she didn’t realise she was pregnant at first!!

I know it sounds ridiculously like a movie (or a fanfic, lmao) where they always think oh no, it’s just a bug - but in my cousin’s case, that really is what everyone thought. She had caught a pretty nasty case of flu, but, because it was the middle of lockdown and COVID highs, our doctor advised her not to go to the hospital unless absolutely necessary. So she didn’t - but she was on some pretty strong antibiotics at home, and those made her not only nauseous, but also exhausted all the time. 

Now, I don’t know how well you know your pregnancy symptoms, but those two things - nausea and fatigue - are pretty big indicators. However, none of us, my cousin least of all, clicked this, because we’d literally been warned that the drugs could have those exact side effects. So even when her symptoms continued a little longer than they should have, we remained clueless.

When we did finally realise, this got me thinking. Some withdrawal symptoms - especially the fatigue, dizziness and nausea thing - look a lot like pregnancy symptoms, and mistaking them, as my family had proved, was a very easy thing. So I thought: what if we put a recovering Daisy in a situation where she won’t be paying her own health much mind, and would anyway dismiss these symptoms as post-Hive?

Well, there’s an easy enough solve for that: figure out a way for Lincoln to not die, but still be in mortal danger when they got him back. Daisy, of course, would sit by his hospital bed for as long as needed - and, in her post-Hive state of mind, probably think she deserved the nausea/fatigue/dizziness etc. 

So that’s what the Post-Hive Pregnancy Fic is, basically! It follows a Daisy who isn’t taking care of herself at all, sitting by Lincoln’s bed day in and day out till he recovers - then, one day, when he does wake up, she can’t ignore the symptoms anymore... and also has the cold-shock realisation of “omg, when last did I have a period??” 

Yeah, so after that, the fic chronicles Daisy’s recovery after Hive just as much as it does her pregnancy - I drew on a lot of material from my post-Hive angst fic for that part, and I  have also badgered my poor cousin with endless pregnancy questions throughout the run of the year. 

And when I get the time, that’s exactly what I’m going to write: Daisy, post-Hive and full of angst, recovering slowly, and she and Lincoln both trying to improve themselves as much as possible to be the best parents they can for this baby. Which, of course, they’re keeping. Daisy, I believe, would never agree to give up her baby in any way, regardless of whether the pregnancy was an accident or not.

I even chanced upon the most perfect title for this thing the other day!! In one of those, light-bulb, oh-my-gosh-why-didn’t-I-see-this-before moments, I chanced to think that you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight (you’ll be alright), which is from Ed Sheeran’s Small Bump, just describes everything I want absolutely perfectly. 

And there we are!! I hoped you liked this answer, Grace, and that it was at least a little bit worth the long wait 🙈🥰 Feel free to ask me more about my WIPs, or badger me for snippets/to actually write them, anytime you like!! Love you <333

[eldritchsurveys]

984.

1. When was the last time someone saw you naked? >> That’s a good question. Sparrow sees me in various states of undress sometimes, but I don’t remember the last time I was fully naked long enough to be seen by anyone. The only time I’m nude is when I’m in the shower or putting on moisturiser directly after said shower (which I do in my room).

2. If you could bring someone back from the dead and spend an hour with them, who would it be and what would you do/say? >> I don’t want to do this. I wouldn’t want to do that to the person, either, like... that sounds traumatic as fuck. (Now, if it were an Inworld type of situation, that’d be way different.)

3. What is the greatest loss you’ve endured? >> Various aspects of myself, I guess. But maybe they’re not truly lost. I have no way of knowing right now.

4. How would you describe your current mood? >> Neutral. I am rarely in an actual mood of any sort when I get this question, obviously -- I tend to only do surveys when I’m in this state, because it’s hard to focus on survey questions (or anything, really) if I’m actively having an emotion.

5. When was the last time you did something you were embarrassed by? >> I don’t remember.

6. What was the last thing you lied about? >> I don’t know, lying isn’t something I normally do -- unless lying by omission counts, because I don’t say literally everything that I’m thinking or tell everyone literally everything about a situation. Or whatever.

7. Where is your favorite place to have sex? >> Inworld.

8. What is your earliest memory? >> I have a vague impression of being on the floor of a dog breeder’s house? When we got my childhood dog Roxie, I guess.

9. Do you ever drink or get high alone? >> I often drink alone just because I’m in the house alone during the times when I’m most likely to drink. I like to just vibe, and not have to worry about “putting on my human suit” or whatever. Sometimes I like to be weird and dreamy or dance-y and vibrant when I’m intoxicated and I like to have space to do that.

10. What type of a drunk are you? >> I don’t know, I haven’t been drunk in a long time. I think at this point in my life I’m probably just a sleepy, cranky drunk. Which is partly why I don’t drink nearly enough to get there, lol.

11. What song (or a few songs, whatever) means a lot to you and why? >> Death is the Road to Awe means a lot to me because The Fountain as a whole means a lot to me and the music is a big part of that whole yarn-ball of meaningfulness. It’s something I really can’t explain. The feelings I have about the movie and the song are on the “this is actually kind of painful in its intensity” level of emotional connection.

12. When was the last time you revealed your feelings for someone? Were they accepted or rejected? >> I don’t remember. Revealing my feelings isn’t a common activity here in Mordredland, as I’m sure is obvious, and I rarely have any remarkable (or share-able) feelings about people anyway.

13. What was the reason behind your last visit to the hospital? >> I think the last time I was in a hospital was when Sparrow’s sister had her child.

14. How do you tend to deal with a breakup? >> ---

15. What is the “worst” drug you’ve done? Are there any you will never try, or any you want to try? >> I don’t classify drugs this way, so I don’t know how to answer this question. The drug I know I will never try is crack, and a drug I am interested in trying is shrooms.

16. What is something you’ve done that you truly regret? >> ---

17. What does it mean to you to be a good person? Do you feel you are a good person? >> I am uninterested in the “good person” designation. I just want to be valuable to and loved by a few people, maybe. That’d be nice.

18. What is your philosophy on life/how do you generally choose to live or conduct yourself? >> I don’t think I have an overall life philosophy, because that seems terribly impractical at best. Life is so complex. Maybe that’s a philosophy -- rejoice in and value the complexity of life. *shrug* 

19. Do you view animals as being just as important as people? Why or why not? >> Hmm. I think a living thing should be allowed to live out its life and not be abused or willfully subjected to conditions that disrupt its quality of life. That’s really it, though.

20. When was the last time you were up all night and why? >> I don’t remember the last time that happened.

21. What is the worst thing you’ve done to yourself? What is the worst thing someone else has done to you? >> I don’t know what the worst thing I’ve done to myself is, but one not-great thing I’ve done to myself is become a chronic self-injurer. One not-great thing someone else has done to me is, well, I don’t know, physically abuse me repeatedly?

22. What is the most personal thing you’re willing to reveal? >> I’m not sure.

23. What made you stop talking to the last person you cut out of your life? >> The fact that he emotionally abused me, probably. That’ll do it.

24. Is there a situation or person you haven’t been able to get over/forgive? >> There are a lot of things I haven’t “gotten over” because their traumatic nature changed the way I am as a person and now I have to deal with that. I don’t really see a point in forgiveness, personally -- what I do see a point is forgiving myself and treating myself better than I’ve been treated.

25. Who was the last person to yell at you? Did you yell back? >> I don’t remember.

26. Where did your last injury come from? >> I don’t know! I just have this random gouge on my finger, like someone just took a small sample of my skin.

27. What are some kinks or turn-ons you have, if any? >> Trying to describe the things I like is hard because 1) it’s often dependent on context and 2) it’s more... specific kinds of things happening in specific kinds of situations and I don’t want to like, have to lay out a whole scenario, lol.

28. What are you like during arguments? >> I have an insanely heightened physical response to conflict, for some reason (I say “for some reason” like I’m not literally post-traumatic, but I don’t know what exactly contributed to this particular symptom) -- crazy heartbeat, flushed skin, shaking, the whole nine. So I guess I’d say I go full monkey-brain during arguments and I tend to do/say whatever will get me the fuck out of the situation because I cannot process anything but “I’m in danger and these people are dangerous and did I mention DANGER”. I’ve been working on trying to express myself rationally during perceived-conflict or actual-conflict situations, but it’s a long process and mostly I just try to avoid getting into the position to begin with.

29. What is the worst thing you have said to another person? >> *shrug* Who knows.

30. Where do you like to be kissed? >> Everywhere, when a person I’m available to in that way is doing it. (So, Inworlders.)

31. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? >> I don’t look into people’s eyes, period. It’s the practice of eye contact itself that is inconceivably difficult for me.

32. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way? >> I really don’t remember the last time I was legitimately furious (and not just using bluster to suppress a more vulnerable feeling).

33. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them? >> Why was I in Honolulu, though...? I need more context for this situation that I cannot imagine myself in.

34. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid? >> Well, obviously I tell my spouse, and then I guess... some people I hang out with online? I don’t know what I would do with my remaining days because I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in that situation and how it would change my priorities. And, of fucking course I’d be afraid.

35. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Usually when someone says that, a list of two things would follow. <--

36. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not? >> I don’t work, so that’s the first problem with this question. In a general sense, though, I would probably risk a consequence of that caliber in order to try to save a life if I can. (I don’t know about this specific situation, though, because I can’t swim...)

37. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most? >> It’s people that I trust and love (those are the same thing, sorry, I don’t get how they can be separate *shrug*) that would have the best chance of hurting me, because of the emotional attachment...

38. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say? >> ---

39. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not? >> No, man, we went through this already in an earlier question. No matter how you present the circumstances, I’m not bringing anyone back from the dead, period.

40. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? >> Well, I don’t know???

41. Does love = sex? >> Inworld, it does, because that’s just how it works for Us.

42.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not? >> ---

43.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person? >> I haven’t done that in a long time, idk.

44. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite sex, you love them or that you do not love them back? >> I think the “I don’t love you back” conversation would be way harder, lmao. People get really upset about that sort of thing.

45. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? >> *shrug*?? 

46. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you? >> ---

47. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why? >> No.

48.Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you? >> My apartment is on the third floor... my biggest concern would be “how the fuck is this person walking on air???” I don’t know why I’d want anyone in particular with me -- why, so we can both be killed by this apparent superhuman? lmao.

49. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not? >> If I felt confident in my ability to perform CPR, I might. I think it’s mostly the fear that I’m going to do it wrong and... idk, kill the person quicker? that would prevent me from doing it. It does sound vaguely irrational when I write it out like that, but hey.

50.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision? >> ---

51. Are you old fashioned? >> No.

52. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? >> I’m not “nice to” people. I just treat people with basic respect and consideration, and of course I expect that in return...

53.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? >> ---

54.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? >> ---

55. What was the last thing you ate? >> A few toasted vanilla Smashmallows.

56. What kind of guys are you usually attracted to? >> ---

57. What’s the stupidest thing that’s happened to you that ended a friendship? >> I don’t think any of the things that ended my friendships were stupid. It just sucked.

58. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve had sex for? >> Inworld, probably... an hour and a half, maybe 2 hours? Outworld, I don’t remember or care.

59. What reality shows do you watch? >> I don’t think I watch any. I’m trying to think if anything I’ve watched on purpose qualifies as “reality” and I... don’t think so? Untold Stores of the ER is basically just dramatisations of allegedly-real stories, so maybe that’s the closest thing to reality tv that I watch? Man, I do love that show. Oh, wait, those cooking shows! Those are reality TV, right? Okay, yeah, I watch stuff like that.

60. Post a video of yourself here: >> No.

61. Where do you work? >> ---

62. Have you ever gone up to a car thinking it was yours and tried to get in it? >> ---

63. Where do you buy most of your clothes? >> I don’t have a designated place where I buy most of my clothes. I shop for clothes so infrequently that it’s really just “wherever has the specific item that I want”.

64. If you were very intelligent and had the capability to have any profession, what would you like to be? Getting tired of the unrealistic hypotheticals. <-- My constant mood with surveys.

65. What’s your most irrational fear? >> ---

66. How many radio stations do you listen to? >> Zero.

67. What kind of music do they have? >> ---

68. Would you rather go to Greece or Hawaii? >> Oh, but I would go to either...

69. Musicals: Yay or Nay? >> Yay :)

70. What are the next concerts you’ll be going to? >> Ha! Hilarious.

71. What was the last conversation you had with your best friend about? >> ---

72. Are you one of those people that LOVE to hug others? >> Inworld I will spend all day cuddling if I can. Outworld, I legitimately cannot remember the last time I initiated a hug with someone. It’s been years.

[roseandbee]

Hiii, I’ve seen to response to Gina to my depressing ask and I’m sorry I’m in anon but I’m shy and Infeel comfortable doing this. So.. everything started in august when I just exploded... my stress level was at his highest point due to working from home and covid and thoughts. I have irritable bowel syndrome so I was constipated, then I started to feel pain in my left hip (sometimes in my right) and then I started to pee a lot and feel pain my vulva/vagina. I went to doctors, they thought it was cystitis and tendonitis but my urine test we’re fine. I wen to the gyno and he did an eco and smear and everything was fine! I took ibuprofen and my hip stopped hurting but I was doing a lot of pee, so I went to the hospital and it was due to muscle tension so they sent me a pill to relax my muscle and I was fine. They also did me an abdominal eco and it was fine too. Until two weeks ago when my left hip started to hurt again and my vulva but also my low back and my stomach, I went to the hospital, they did a x-ray and they told me I have backache and they did another urine test that was fine.

I think I should mention that: That week, the two weeks ago, I have a lot of stress at work and I sat in a really bad posture, I have a lot of gases, also I have irregular periods (POC I think)and migraine. Besides, I usually don’t talk with anyone about my feelings and I just laugh about everything until I’m on the edge and I haven’t talked with anyone about my feelings in like 14 years, I was sexual abuse for 5 years when I was a teenager and I didn’t mention it until the fifth year, the last year because I almost killer myself (something that I don’t want to do it anymore and haven’t thought in doing it)

My therapist says that the vulva pain can be due to trauma because I’m starting to heal or talk about sex (I’m reading smutty fics😅) and I’ve read that hip pain and back pain is related to bowel syndrome and anxiety and stress too. The other day, the day Louis announced his concert I was so happy I didn’t feel any kind of pain so... it’s my fucking mind? Because fighting with myself it’s been so fucking hard.

Sorry for all of this, it’s really long but I think you needed all the context. Thanks again just for checking up on me! Sending all the love🤍

Hi love first of all I'm sorry for the delay- it's dinnertime round these parts so I ran off for a bit. And do not apologize for staying anon - there's absolutely nothing wrong with keeping your medical history private, and truly I'm going to see if I can answer privately. I forget if I can do that or not. That said, I have already overshared plenty on here and am comfortable doing so bc I have hit the point of ppl in real life knowing these things too (and I'm retired now so it doesn't affect my ability to get or keep a job).

Back to you- everything you are saying I can back up from both a professional and personal standpoint. I have either experienced such things through irl people very close to me or experienced it myself.

I have no idea other than what you have said thus far about your medical knowledge, so I'm going to error on the side of over-explaining.

First- dermatomes and inflammation seem to be major factors in all of your symptoms. Basically, with dermatomes, anything in the nerve pathway can be affected by damage, which can result from injury from an outside source, or from your body's normal and abnormal responses to internal things like fluid buildup. I'll use me as prime example: my lumbar spine dermatomes are forever affected by my lumbar spinal fusion and the remaining curve to my spine that causes unequal use of the muscles in my low back on downward to my toes. They are also affected by things that cause increased pressure in my lower abdomen, like having excess gas, constipation, and/or menstruation.

I noted that you said you have IBS and (I think you meant) PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). Both of these cause issues with increased inflammation and can easily affect your body's ability to keep a regular cycle of fluid buildup and release. I am not a doc obviously so please take this as an option to pursue, not full medical advice, but, you could look into turmeric supplements and cherry juice and primrose oil supplements as potential ways to help with inflammation. Please especially note that turmeric must be taken with meals and can irritate the stomach. It's not something you get used to eventually.

Okay, onto the brain side of things, which is definitely no less important. A lot of what you have described sounds like body memories. And in my experience, the best thing you can do for those is to 1) be SUPER aware of your triggers, 2) STOP and redirect yourself asap if whatever you are doing makes it worse, and 3) become SUPER aware of the tiny signs that you're becoming triggered/triggered worse. It takes time and practice and I still mess it up often. I would say I've been in full trauma recovery mode for about a year now, for reference. I hope that this is something that you are working on in therapy because it sounds like you are ready to do so. If you aren't ready yet, that is okay, and I apologise. And we can be here all day discussing trauma and trauma recovery, so I will stop for now, but I encourage you to continue therapy, remembering always that you are strong and that you did not and do not deserve to go through your trauma.

Sending love and strength your way. Please come back anytime hon 💕

Oh almost forgot- you are not making things up or whatever your mental illnesses are trying to tell you when you felt better about Louis' concert announcement. You just got a serotonin boost and very effective distraction, both of which can be very effective pain relievers!! So do your best to find as many things as possible that help you feel calm and cared for. As ugly as it can get in fandom, you can always find people who care. Most of us have at least one tag if not side blog for happy things even if no one is around, and we do that for precisely that reason.