#whats beyond the universe?
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This changed me on another level
We really are just extremely lonely and it's surprising that I find it surprising
It's just one of those things is that you don't really think about until you find it randomly, being able to think about only that afterwards and nothing else
We are just small
So very very small
In this huge seemingly neverendering void of a universe we ever so warmly, so happily and welcomly call home. It's not like we needed to exist
Like any of it needed to exist
But it does
And I'm grateful it does
Without it I wouldn't have my sisters
My brother
My uncle
My nan
My friends
My pets
My house
My experiences
My mum
When you take it all in it becomes a lot to wrap your head around but I think that's what makes it beautiful
We will never fully solve the mystery of our existence and what may or may not lie beyond it
Wow
I'm probably rambling a bit now
Just wanted to share this
Goodnight <3
#thinking#the universe#whats beyond the universe?#are we alone?#probably#probably not#i might make a personal au for myself#just why not really#it feels right
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two people will go through similar things & learn to cope in different ways
print ♥︎ song
#I just love these two the more I read & get to know them#I could write a novel on my izutade thoughts. it's so beyond Shipping okay. secret fifth thing#you know how it is with teen girls who are weird about each other (and how they never figure out why until later)#[clenches fist] it's about... what they REPRESENT to each other...#anyway I hope they meet again someday and I hope they're both in a better place about it. I hope they can become real friends about it then#what if ogre girls and cat girls were real huh. what then.#dungeon meshi#izutade#inutade#izutsumi#llamahearted Big Anime Girl extended universe
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It's not everyday that you wake up and Spirk has become (sort of) canon
#what the fuck man#friendship my ass they were soulmates beyond everything#wdym when jim dies he finds spock in an alternate universe and holds his hand#shatner is secretly the biggest spirk shipper ever he's just too obsessed with nimoy to let go jim and spock's “friendship”#anyways...#spirk#tos spirk#star trek#star trek tos
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Red Dwarf as tweets/textposts pt.7
<- | RD | ->
#red dwarf#dave lister#lister#rimmer red dwarf#arnold rimmer#arnold judas rimmer#kryten#kristine kochanski#cat red dwarf#kk2 my beloved#no but fr people are alwayssl saying the original kochanski was better bc she's not neurotic#and i think theyre mostly people nostalgic for clare grogan bc she's this bottled chunk of the 80s#but also i don't think grogan is a great actor#rewatch The End and she's not keeping up with Craig Charles even a bit when theyre doing witty banter#anyway im sure she's lovely irl and i still love her but i hate that ppl see arnett as a downgrade#when what she actually is is a fully rounded character written to serve the same function as rimmer#instead of the idealised manic pixie dream girl that Grogan!Kochanski was#the whole point of the original kochanski was this unreachable woman who didn’t really exist beyond Lister's fantasies bc he didn't know he#GOD FORBID she be different when from a different universe and actually allowed to have a character#Lister 500 days of summered KK1#and yes I might be an aggressive KK2 defender bc i am also a neurotic overeducated woman stuck somewhere lets not worry about it
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DP X DC AU Danny & The Little Dead Girl
(title pending lol, Danny and Curare adventures pt 2!) Pt 1 here My AU art
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Monday comes, as it is won't to do, and Danny has to go to school which means the baby halfa has to come to school too.
" ok, so, one rule for today, big rule, you gotta be quiet in class. Uh-"
Danny pulls his phone out of his pocket as their bus hits a pot hole. Sitting right at the front means they catch the momentum first and he has to hold Curaré against his side lest she go flying into the aisle.
A couple voices grumble behind them at the jostling as Danny gets his text to speech open.
" Necessitas ser quieto en clase. ¿Entiendes?" The Google robot lady voice translates for him.
Curaré blinks at him from behind her little paper face mask and looks from the phone to him curiously.
This is the game they've been playing since last night, Danny says something in English robo lady repeats it in Spanish.
Danny doesn't know if Curaré understands how the phone speaks or even that it does but she's giving him her favorite little blank expression so he assumes she gets it. At least, she hasn't really disagreed or disobeyed anything he's asked of her yet so...not gonna look that gift horse in the mouth Danny boy!
..
School goes well, mostly.
They get through the metal detectors and bag checks at the front entrance just fine. The security guards barely glance at Curaré once they confirm she isn't hiding a Glock or something under her shirt. Which it's kinda sad to know gun control is a cross-dimensional American problem but it's on brand if nothing else Danny thinks.
They get to first period without stopping at Danny's locker and settle down in two desks by the back door. This is Danny's usual spot, well usual as of a month ago, it's mostly empty back here now but Danny used to have a seat partner.
(A seat partner who had a kind of shady tweaker vibe that Danny would have been worried about but that kid went home early one day and never came back so....it's Curaré's seat now.)
The little dead girl looks even littler sat in the desk-chair combo, she can barely see over the top. Danny stacks three dictionaries under her for a boost then he gets her set up with some pencils and paper and the single highlighter he found on the floor his first day here.
Curaré seems vaguely interested in his offerings ,after Danny shows her how to use them to mark the page, and starts creating cautious marks of her own.
She keeps glancing back up at Danny as if to confirm that this is still fine? And he nods his head every time trying to be encouraging as it becomes obvious that nobody taught this kid to write inside Fosters Home for Real life Assassins. Which Danny thinks is poor planning on there part because really? If your Assassin can't write how the fuck were they supposed to leave ominous threatening warnings? Or fake suicide notes? Or any number of written props to flesh out a cover story.
Whatever, obviously the assassins raising Curaré sucked ass all around so he can't say he's surprised but he is majorly disappointed.
As the bell rings for first period a whole slew of teens rush in ahead of the teacher Mr. Berk. Simple guy, grey beard, coke bottle glasses, smells like Vics vapor rub, the works.
He's like the most chilled out version of Mr. Lancer ever so he's alright in Danny's books. Plus he only has one "rule", as long as your butt is in your seat by the time he calls your name for attendance he won't mark you late. In Gotham, where everyone and their brother has enough late marks from shitty public transportion to get detention, it's a pretty sweet rule.
So Mr. Berk takes attendance like usual and only pauses on Danny and Curaré in the back for a brief moment.
Curaré stops drawing and stares down Mr. Berk like he's the T rex from Jurassic park. Frozen in place and without breaking eye contact. He stares back at her completely unphased.
" A small visitor then?" He says.
Danny nods. " My sister"
" Mhm" Mr. Berk says already moving on to the next student on his roster.
Danny breathes out huge sigh of relief, that was so much easier then he expected.
They more or less repeat this exchange the whole day. Mondays suck ass because it's one of the only days Danny actually has all 6 periods, but they make it through 1st, 2nd, and nutrition unscathed.
By lunch time Danny thinks they might actually be home free, if no one is gonna bring up the whole freaking child tagging along with him then he can probably just bring her with him everyday.
Maybe he can find her some work books and she can learn the alphabet? And addition? That's like on track for 4 year olds right? Danny can't remember being 4 but that feels right to him. He will educate the child in his care like the responsible almost adult he is. She will go to college!
At lunch Danny sits them at the back of the school right next to the teachers lounge because it's mostly deserted.
In Danny's exprience the best place to hide is in plain sight. He's been sitting here everyday since he enrolled himself and the teachers have never noticed him. Their way too busy trying to get any kind of break from teaching high schoolers to be concerned.Which Danny is greatful for because he has broken the rule about using his cell phone at lunch 50 times at this point.
Listen he has to do universe research when he has access to wifi! Which he only does at school. The administration should be glad he's using his lunch period to educate himself really.
So they eat by the lounge. Danny has Curaré face away from the door so she can take off her face mask and eat unencumbered.The cut on her face is still gnarly, it looks an almost enflamed purple as it tries it's best to heal.
Danny had given Curaré a little immuno-boost with his own ecto the night before to try to speed up her healing factor. But like any Halfa, basically just Danny's personal experience, you have to nourish the ghost half and the human half in equal parts to heal all the way.
It's not until home room, period 6/7, that the metaphorical straw breaks the metaphorical camels back. or the real straw to the metaphorical camel? Did camels even carry straw? where would it go? Between there humps? Not important Fenton!
Home room was a grade A disaster.
Mr. Perez, Danny's kind of ancient home room teacher, who was for almost all intents and purposes blind, had a freaking nose for trouble. It's like he could sniff out vapes and cell phones as soon as they hit the stale class air. Danny thought this would be the easiest class by far, Mr. Perez wouldn't even see Curaré let alone smell her.
And at first it seems like he doesnt, Mr. Perez takes attendance and skips right over Danny and Curaré with no fanfare.
Danny thinks that's the end of it and starts to breathe easy until 15 minutes before the final bell when Mr. Perez' TA asks him to step into the hallway with her for a second.
Danny generally liked Mr. Perez's TA, her name was Sabrina Kahn and she was the kind of girl Jazz would have hung out with.Straight laced, wore argyle cardigans, read books, the smart sort. She looked Jazz's age too, maybe 21ish and she always rolled her eyes when people gave dumb answers in class.
She looks a little embarrassed to be speaking to Danny which immediately sets him on edge.
" It's okay that you brought your little sister today but, I'm sorry, you won't be able to do that again. A bunch of your teachers made complaints with the front office and Mr. Perez got a call about it ..."
Sabrina had always been nice to him and now she was about to ruin his whole week.
" But Ms. Kahn-" Danny started.
She gave him a sympathetic look " Lemme guess, your parents can't take her to work so this was the next best option?"
Danny closed his mouth and nodded, that was actually a much better lie then he was gonna tell, thank you Ms. Kahn. ( But also Boooooo curse you Ms. Kahn!)
" Here, I know it can be hard to find childcare for metas, especially ones as ah-vibrant as your sister. My brother had the same trouble with my nephew."
Sabrina hands Danny a flyer, it's still warm from the printer, it looks like it's just a screenshot of an email.
"Thanks?"
The TA rolls her eyes, wow a lot like Jazz then.
" It's the address to that daycare and a referral. They only take kids by word of mouth, they're kind of... off the books. But their good people! I hope they can help you Danny."
The paper is on off yellow, as Ms.Kahn heads back into homeroom Danny feels all his hope go with her. Shit, what was he gonna do now? He looks through the little glass window in the door to the back where Curaré sits, she's already watching him. He tries to smile at her, be reassuring, he's not sure it works.
......
When the bell finally rings Danny picks Curaré up and puts her on his hip to avoid her being crushed by the rush of high schoolers who stampede out the door in front of them.
The flyer from Ms. Kahn feels like it's burning a hole through his pocket as they ride the bus towards the Narrows.
Danny cased the house from the flyer with maps street view as well as he could. It showed a skinny sublet house across from a small strip mall and laundrymat.
Inconspicuous sure, maybe even innocent looking but well...you could never tell in Gotham, all the buildings looked sort of evil by default. It was probably because of the gargoyles and the general low level stink fog that seemed to always be out.
The big city™ really made Danny miss the suburbs of Amity Park more then just the regular gut wrenching home sickness. Oh what'd he'd give to take a deep breath of air and not inhale the smell of piss when he walked down the street.
They get off the bus at the corner a block from the daycare.
Danny holds Curaré's hand which makes for slow going but seems like the right thing to do. She's never wandered off but Danny didn't want to give her the opportunity to either.
As he helped her climb the three short stairs up to the house Danny was suddenly hit with a wave of panic.
What the fuck am I doing? Am I really gonna take care of this freaking Halfa ghost baby for the next 18 years? Im not even an adult! I work weekends at BatBurger for minimum wage WTF?
Danny's hands began to sweat and his stomach cramped. Oh fuck, here was the existential crisis he'd been waiting for since he first decided to take Curaré from the leagues super secret baby basement.
Oh shit he couldn't breathe, what was he gonna do! OH fuck think!
What would jazz do? Call child services and offer psychological support. Not Uber helpful in this case Danny didn't know the first thing about psychology and Gotham CPS was actual prison.
What would Sam do? Assassin babies are hella counter culture but maybe find a cool rich eccentric family to adopt them? Nope, not gonna work Danny only knew one eccentric rich girl and she was a whole dimension away. FUCK THINK FENTON!
What would Tucker do? In this situation ask Google, homeschooling is big these days so maybe if you leave her in the apartment while your gone with an iPad-
" Hey you alright there dude, can I help you?"
Danny choked on the end of his anxiety panic badbadbad spiral and looked up.
The front door to the house was open and just inside the threshold stood a younger teen, maybe 16? With the kind of fade haircut Tucker always whined he couldn't pull off and a bright yellow hoodie.
Danny held his breathe for a moment making sure he felt it burn up his lungs and throat before letting out a big sigh.
" Yeah, yeah sorry kinda zoned out there I'm just uh kinda nervous I was told to come here for Daycare help for my little sister?"
Curaré looked at the stranger in the doorway with the same wide eyed blankness she stared at everything with. Funnily enough she was still holding Danny's hand, had held on through Danny's entire mental meltdown too despite the ecto sweat. Danny felt oddly touched by the gesture, even if it was more likely that the little girl wasn't bothered by his crisis then her being sympathetic.
The teen in the Yellow Hoodie raised an eyebrow at Danny as he fumbled the paper from Ms. Kahn out of his pocket to hand over.
Yellow Hoodie took it and looked between it, him, and Curaré.
" You're not a cop right? You have to tell us if you're a cop"
Danny made a face, " no, I'm not a cop! I would never be a cop, cops suck."
" Right." Yellow Hoodie said still suspicious " So you wouldn't mind if I called your referral up?"
" Be my guest dude."
The teen pulled out his phone and made sure to keep steady eye contact with Danny. Who could do nothing except not look away during this, the world's most impromptu staring contest, until Yellow Hoodie put his phone away.
" Just wanted to see if you were bluffing. Sabrina called earlier said she'd sent someone our way but you can never be too careful. Come on in. "
Danny felt the wind go out of his sails for the second time that day, what was with people and making him anticipate the worst.
.....
The inside of the house was old, homey, but old. It had very obviously been well lived in by a few generations of children, easy to see from the scuffed floors, chipped crown molding, and the sheer number of framed photos that hung on the walls.
There were signs of new life about too, some toys scattered on the floor, walls that were covered in butcher paper and crayon as high as little hands could reach, and oddly enough some scorch marks. Although, Danny's supposed that an unlicensed daycare for meta kids worth it's salt ought to have a least a few burn marks. For posterity if nothing else.
" I'm Duke, I volunteer here when I can but the place is run by the Mariscos, Mrs. Marisco specifically. She's been in the game for a long time" Duke nee yellow hoodie said as he stopped them in front of a closed door.
The hand made sign on the door said Office in nice scribbly lettering and it was hung on with a peg and twine. Real kitschy.
Danny could just make out the sounds of kids playing in another part of the house and was a little impressed that Duke had managed to keep Danny from seeing even one tiny tot during the impromptu house tour.
" I gotta go help Izzy with the kids, this is Mrs.Mariscos' office just knock before you go in, she might be on the phone."
Duke nodded to Danny, smiled down at Curaré and disappeared down the hallway.
Leaving Danny and Curaré alone in front of a closed door once again.
Danny looked down at Curaré and she looked up at him, she was characteristically silent.
" This feels like a job interview, did you bring your resume? "
Curaré blinked.
" Yeah, me neither. But I think if we both give her puppy eyes maybe our combined under aged-ness will activate her maternal instincts and she'll be forced to accept us?"
The nerves were back, they had never really left but now they had settled like a rock at the pit of Danny's stomach.
He couldn't bring himself to knock on that office door just yet so he fussed over Curaré instead. Kneeling down he straightened the collar of Curaré's hooded jacket and moveed her little backpack strap back up her shoulder where it had slipped.
" We got this. It's you and me now remember, even if this blows and you have to come to school with me for the rest of year it's you and me." Danny rested his hands on little shoulders and hung his head. " Jeez, I sound like my mom"
"No need to be so nervous Mijo! My Chiqis never met a kid she could turn away."
Danny's neck had never snapped up so fast in his life.
Curaré hadn't been looking up at him at all. No, Curaré was staring up towards the elderly woman floating near the ceiling.
Which was not great, because Danny for all the time had spent in Gotham had never seen another ghost. Not a single one.
Which was unsettling on its own but not bad per se, he'd thought maybe this dimension was just different, not enough spectral energy to manifest a ghostly body.
But no, again nope, this was so much worse.
No ghosts was easy enough to reationalize but one ghost? One ghost meant there was enough spectral energy, one ghost meant something was really really wrong with Gotham.
Because if there was only one ghost in a crime ridden pissed off city like this where the shit were all the others?
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Yo! Just wanted to say thank u for all the support on part 1, did not expect people to like or care about it lol. Anyway back on bullshit, I've had this written for a while but didn't have the insp to post it until now.
Might write more, might not, you get one bat cameo for reading this time ur welcome.
Forgot to add this to the first post, it's in the reblogs, but TLDR Curaré is an assassin from batman beyond.
Note: if you wanna see cool art for this AU check the Danny and the little dead girl tag on my blog!
#danny phantom#danny fenton#dp x dc au#dpxdc#dc x dp#DP x DC#batman#Curaré#batman beyond#duke thomas#danny and the little deadgirl au#i really gotta think of a name for this AU if its gonna be a thing#do i have a plan for this? no no i do not#i have a vague idea about what happens in this universe and no real motivation to write it#batfam
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idk i feel like women who don't conform to a conventionally feminine gender role or appearance get a lot of shit in their day to day lives and ignoring that is overlooking a huge facet of misogyny
#LIKE .....#for an off the cuff very specifc and relatively low stakes example#could the female equivalent of jack black have a career in Hollywood. and btw jack black is HOT this isnt ab that#im just saying. hairy. overweight. confident. little to no makeup. as a woman?#??? and this is just hollywood. when i think of what women universally put up with.....nah. can't even#entertain it bc it goes so far beyond
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i don't care about canon, this is for you specifically.
#i do not know anything about batman beyond so I am ignoring it#au where they don't care about having their own individual identities and batman can be what they make it#like dick batman would make the cape so detachable so he can flip around with his ass out#you know how it is#jason is gun batman but none of them are real guns he can be more creative than that#all of his belt tools are just shaped like guns bc I think that would be funny#he grabs for a grapple and gets the gun that shoots out smoke bombs#batman#batfam#batfamily#bruce wayne#maybe clark gets into his emo phase and batmans at night idk#everyone just likes batman too much for him to really die#dc#dc comics#dcu#dc universe#dick grayson#jason todd#cassandra cain#tim drake#damian wayne#kate kane#stephanie brown
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also idc I love the citadel and all its wizard hubris I love the intersection of innovation and horror and progress and crushing others underfoot AND also clothes that magically put them on themselves and Citadel Made bouncy balls and secret societies and universities!!! and espresso and arcane discovery and and and
#worlds beyond number#yes citadel bad ALSO you cannot condemn the citadel wholeheartedly without understanding#that we are the citadel#(if you live in the 'west')#and I adore the depth of the depiction of wealth and excess but also knowledge and curiousity#the citadel is not the gatsby mansion. it is any college in the US#it is my university giving out free food and trinkets for no reason other than it is a wednesday#and there is beauty and joy in the science I study I try to understand and the resources available#AND there is abject horror in what has been crushed for millions of people to have this#and I am OBSESSED I love it as a setting in all its brutal honesty#wbn#anyway
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taroth; the star, the sun, the hanged man
#dc universe#dcu#dc comics#batman#batfam#batman beyond#terry mcginnis#bruce wayne#superman#clark kent#so like#i drew it in the span of two days#in one actually but nvm#my eyes HURTS#thats what fixation on dc does to a person#anyway i hope superman and terry r recognisable at least#cos wasnt so sure abt it#my art
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jason accidentally trauma-dumps to this masked vigilante who he’s somehow immediately comfortable trusting while willis todd who is not dead and is very much still alive (but still hasn’t told his only living child yet) is internally screaming “WHAT DID THEY DO TO MY PRECIOUS BABY BOY?!?!?!?”
#dc comics#dc universe#dcu#batman#red hood#jason todd#jason peter todd#jason was never the angry robin#wingman#willis todd#nah because why does dc make poor people be completely awful people?#look if willis todd was awful why does jason love him so much?#good parent willis todd#jason is different from the rest of the bats because unlike them he grieved his parents (especially his mom) long before they died#jason probably found out that willis was presumed dead long after it happened (because he was living on the streets for quite some time)#anyways willis is listening to jason nonchalantly speak about his trauma and is resisting the urge to beat bruce up#willis while carrying a 220 lb crime lord and sobbing: my precious baby what have they done to you?#danny todd (jason’s canonical older brother) is watching beyond the grave wondering why willis won’t tell jason who he is#jason starts talking about willis and willis is trying his hardest not to cry because he thought jason would hate him but it’s the opposite#like jason has so much love in his heart and honestly i wish someone would actually appreciate that
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sometimes, taking a leap forward means…
… leaving a few things behind.
arcane 2.03 (2024) // interstellar (2014) // interstellar // isaac newton, from nasa.gov // arcane 2.07 // interstellar // arcane 2.07 // interstellar // arcane 2.07 // arcane 2.09
#we are so freaking back..#sci fi is actually… about love?#recently watched interstellar in imax and lost my mind again. i have such a love hate relationship with that fuckass movie#i just.. think its so gutwrenching how humans make meaning from our physical universe and its natural laws#like. science gravity black holes time as a dimension beyond our comprehension anomalies etc are not inherently meaningful#but we look at these things and go: what does this mean? and we conclude that it means love devotion care sacrifice.#the cost of moving forward IS leaving a few things behind… the grief we feel as time passes in a blink… and this art says IT IS WORTH IT#u cant see me but im screaming and throwing up about it#arcane#arcane season 2#arcane s2#arcane s2 spoilers#ekko arcane#jinx arcane#timebomb#interstellar#physics#time#web weaving#why has tumblr marked this as mature tf
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drew my lame autism demon again (he's telling me to eat my computer)
#what the FUCK. is university applications even#won't elaborate beyond that but. eughhhh sucks ass#anyway have another hakaimono!!! i had multiple versions for this piece but this one ended up being the most liked so#yeah#the pigeon is an oc i might draw them another time#hakaimono#shadow of the fox#autism#art#digital artist#artists on tumblr#my art
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Only thing I had time to make today 😭😭I tried to replicate the animation look in the RE remake but it ended up looking like she just came off the train to prehevil lmfao
#OK but it had me thinking..#hear me out …. resident evil fear and hunger au#do you think Any of the characters could handle the brutality of that universe#fear and hunger is far beyond bioweapon monsters#cospiracy and viral outbreaks#incomprehensible and I don’t thnk anyone is gonna know what I’m talking about#but i want to Visualize It!#resident evil#resident evil oc#silnaarttag#s.t.a.r.s#resident evil 1#fear and hunger 2#fear and hunger termina#shitpost
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Haven’t been keeping up with Revenant, but seeing people hold Eramis to a similar level of villainy as beings like Savathûn and Rhulk to argue against her treatment in the story (or even the fact we haven’t killed her yet) is so… I’m tired guys
#destiny 2#destiny#destiny the game#d2#destiny eramis#eramis#destiny revenant#we get the first villain we can put through the law system and people are upset we can’t farm her for exotics#anyways destiny should have more narratives that are focused on victims of these unfathomable cosmic forces beyond the hive#WHERE IS THE PSION NARRATIVE#Also I don’t understand why people expect perfect victimhood from characters that have gone through inconcievable trauma#alongside destiny betraying its themes of forgiveness and redemption because of Eramis’ story going on for longer than some people want#not everything revolving around Eramis is perfectly written but people are ignoring the context of her behaviors and the scope of them#I think we can hold her prisoner after she willing went into custody after dealing with omnicidal torturers guys#eramis they could never make me hate you#and fuck the witness dude I hate that thing#nasty asf for what it did to Eramis and Riis#hydrogen bomb vs coughing baby is just most destiny villains vs eramis#she’s done some awful shit but the beauty of a post witness universe is learning how to move forward with old enemies
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Thank you for writing the (messy but neccessary) farcille breakdown. You handled it so wonderfully aaaaaaaah!! Like the other anon I was wondering how far "rock bottom" could get (because chapter 4 already felt pretty rock bottom) but. Yeah. That's pretty rock bottom, huh. The tragedy of loving someone but the other person not understanding <- this applies to both of them.
I think it was really neat how you flipped the question on who's reaching out to who with the academy flashback and the final scene with Namari, because... Marcille clinging onto Falin really is just a reversal of their academy days, isn't it? To everyone who met them after they reunited, it was always Marcille chasing after Falin, but to those who were at the magic academy, it was Falin chasing after Marcille. From picking flowers and berries to eat together, inviting Marcille out to see a play, and generally monopolizing her free time... I'm sure any of them would say the same thing as Namari, but in reverse. No wonder everyone thinks Marcille is just another friend to Falin. They weren't there to witness her pining /j. Idk!! I was rereading the chapter and the academy flashback girl was like "why do you hang off of Marcille so much" and I screamed to myself, "hey wait. HEY WAIT."
#asks#a little creature#im SO glad you pointed out how falin was the first to pine and chase but was discouraged#its a very very important part#i think a really common wlw experience is to internalize that first rejection forever#whether it came from the object of your affections or an outside observer#the first time you encounter disgust for what felt like just happiness and affection#it stays with you. it can turn into a cage for the rest of your life but what you dont realize is that#at some point youre strong enough to open the door for yourself and you have to be able to do it#ironically ive only been the perpetrator of this platonically#pushing away my friends and hurting them bc i didnt think that i mattered enough to affect them#romantically ive been mostly on the other end just begging a girl to meet me in the middle at the very least#because even if they feel intensely as i do its not fun to chase and chase and get nothing bc someone else in their past was cruel#so it dhsjjd shows up in my writing a lot#self loathing as a queer experience is almost universal. but are you able to stand up and grow beyond it? because you need to.#staying locked in your own head and never looking outwards is just another kind of selfishness#i dont always try to do it but lmao my writing almost always touches on this at least a little bit in various degrees as like#maybe my best attempt at a compassionate way of portraying this self-erasure as a kind of selfishness that needs to be addressed
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