#whatever. i just find the idea of me being bipolar to be so wild. i mean like yes. i guess technically if u look at the word bipolar

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[fictionplumis]

A Lambert/Aiden Thing

Okay, bear with me here, this might be long. And maybe at one point I'm gonna try to RP this but unfortunately there's no one on the Lambert/Aiden RP tags on the site I use. So I'm just gonna put this here for now. And if anyone wants to, oh I don't know, write a fic or whatever based on this, PLEASE link me 'cause I wanna read it but anyway. 

Set after the Wild Hunt, one of those rare AUs where Aiden genuinely did not survive.

While traveling together as super cool witchers, Geralt ends up telling Ciri all about helping Lambert get revenge for his Cat friend, right? 

Time passes, and Ciri starts trying to really solidify her control with her ability. Geralt ends up spending more and more time at Corvo Bianco and Ciri is out on the Path, but every so often a girl needs a break, y'know? So sometimes she'll disappear for a couple days, maybe a few weeks, just off in another world. It's a good way to practice. 

In one world, she ends up running into this man named Aiden. (This world being our world. Not a modern Continent thing, not some point in the future, I mean OUR world.) They talk, and he ends up mentioning his roommate Lambert, and the more he says about Lambert, the more it becomes obvious that it's LAMBERT. 

Now Ciri has absolutely no intention of doing anything about this. It's not her place, telling Lambert would be an AWFUL idea, and going to meet that world's version of her uncle just seems like a bad idea. But she is curious about what kind of man can inspire such a strong sense of friendship in Lambert, so she decides to pop into that world every so often, "accidentally" find Aiden, and just kind of get to know him a little bit. Plus it's another way to practice her abilities, not just pin-pointing and traveling to a specific world, but to where a specific person is. 

She does that on and off a few times, enough where her and Aiden are sort of acquaintances. 

Now in this world Aiden isn't a saint, okay? This boy pretty much grew up on the streets. He has a past that he's trying to get away from. He knows his way around a knife fight, has ample experience running from the cops, and has been through so much therapy. (I don’t get into detail here but any kind of modern Aiden I usually have some kind of neurotypical. Might be something as simple as ADHD, though I do love bipolar!Aiden and psychotic!Aiden as well. I’d imagine at this point he’s good at managing it, with the help of therapy and medication. Now the therapy wouldn’t be all that accessible with where this is going, but Ciri could help him make sure he has his medications. Hell, if wanted to have him keep things consistent with his therapy too, he could move down to appointments maybe once a month and Ciri could make sure he could get to them, the same way she helps attain other things later on in this snippet. I absolutely support positive and accurate depictions of mental illness, I’m not just using the terms bipolar or psychotic lightly.) And unfortunately his past ends up catching up with him. 

Ciri happens to get there just in time. Before Aiden can end up with a bullet in his eye, she's teleporting him to the first safe place that comes to her mind: Corvo Bianca.

Now poor Aiden has no fucking idea what happened. One second his old "friends" have him backed into a corner with a gun to his face and the next he's experiencing the worst motion sickness of his life and throwing up in a pot that smells like shit. He spends the next two days sleeping off some major jet lag and when he comes to, he had no fucking idea where he is. 

Then comes Geralt and Ciri having to awkwardly explain the whole witcher thing to him, the Continent in general, the time period, the fact that monsters and sorceresses and magic exists in this world, all that happy shit. And it's a lot to process. Before they can even get to the whole "do you want to go back to your world and handle the deal with people trying to kill you thing" Lambert shows up. 

At first Aiden doesn't even think, he's just like oh thank fuck a familiar face, I know you hate hugs but I think this can be forgiven because I've had the weirdest most stressful week of my life.

And then he's like, wait a second. Lambert is... Thicker. 

Like Lambert's always been a very physically active guy, he's a mechanic or whatever you want a modern day Lambert to do, but his shoulders weren't THAT broad before and under those spiky metal arm things are some impressive biceps. Also what are those spiky metal arm things? Lambert, what are you wearing? How the fuck did you get here? Holy shit your eyes--

He puts two and two together. Right, the name Geralt sounded familiar because Lambert's mentioned the name. That's his adopted brother. So if this Geralt is a witcher, then Lambert in this world is a witcher. And Lambert is also having a minor breakdown because, y'know, AIDEN. 

Let's just say Geralt warned him. Explained the whole situation and asked Lambert to come back to help with this, and Lambert was very torn because it's not HIS Aiden. It'll hurt too much, to see someone so much like Aiden but just slightly to the left. He knew it would. He just didn’t expect this Aiden to be SO MUCH like his Aiden. By this point Aiden has had to change his clothes into some of Geralt's trousers with a belt to hold them up and a loose tunic, but it's fucking him. 

They all talk a bit. Aiden pretty much admits that yeah, there are people after him. And they probably won't stop until he's dead. That's how gangs work, y'know? You can't really... Get out. He tried, he really fucking did, but even if it's not the ones that cornered him before, it'll be someone else. So yeah, Ciri saved his life and going back is probably not the best idea. 

Now I absolutely don't want to fuck over another world's Lambert just to make Continent!Lambert happy, so we're gonna say the two were really good friends. They were roommates, they were close, Lambert was pretty much Aiden's only friend, but they weren't lovers. Lambert was with a woman named Keira. A doctor. They were good for each other, y'know? When Lambert first started dating her, Aiden thought she was kind of a bitch but as time went on she kind of mellowed out. It wasn't that she became less full of herself, but more that she actually felt confident enough that she didn't feel the need to try to take on the world anymore. And Lambert's happy with her. So leaving Lambert behind in that world kind of sucks, yeah, but he'll be okay. And this Lambert is so similar that to Aiden, it doesn't feel like he's losing someone. 

Now we have Aiden getting to experience the Continent for the first time. Getting to experience witchers for the first time. 

Lambert. Sword fighting. 

And that's so fucking cool. Can you please teach me that?

Which of course has Lambert a little iffy, because this Aiden is human and no fucking away is he letting this Aiden anywhere near a monster, but Aiden is like, nah, relax, I just want to learn because sword fighting is really cool. Look, I'm really good with a knife, teach me some cool sword stuff. 

So Lambert gets to teach Aiden some cool sword stuff. And how to make bombs, which Aiden LOVES. And maybe some alchemy, too, because Aiden asks about the potions and Lambert is very adamant that he never drinks any but Aiden likes at least knowing how to make them. It's fascinating. You all fucking know you would love to make potions out of gross monster parts and herbs if you had the chance, don't even lie. Lambert even shows off some signs and Aiden is delighted. 

This eventually leads to one of those serious conversations about what it takes to become a witcher, and what all Lambert went through, and how people view witchers. And Aiden gets it, maybe not completely, but he gets the just of it. Because he knows about the other Lambert's past, and his shitty father, and all that stuff. And Aiden's brown, and people don't like that. And he's gay, and people don't like that either. Lambert's whole thing kind of reminds him of the X-men. 

And Lambert doesn't know what the fuck that is so Aiden explains comics and superheroes and the X-men to him. 

Because in his world they don't have witchers or magic, so they make up stories that have people like witchers, that have magic, and in those stories, those people sometimes face very similar prejudices. So to Aiden, Lambert is a lot like a superhero. 

And Lambert's like uh huh, no way, definitely not any kind of hero, that's pretty boy's job. 

To which Aiden responds, no, I definitely think you're a hero, even if you don't, so suck it up. 

And they probably kiss and stuff. 

Eventually Aiden gets restless and he's curious about the rest of the Continent, and he's tired of wearing Geralt's ill-fitting clothes because he's used to skinny jeans and shit so he gets Lambert to take him into Beauclaire for clothes. 

And Beauclaire is fucking beautiful, he loves it. 

The clothes are okay. Eventually he just asks Lambert what he used to wear and they go see the armorer instead. Aiden's not entirely sure about it, because Lambert looks like he's swallowed a mouthful of tacks when he sees Aiden in the Cat armor, even without the chest piece or the gauntlets, but Lambert assures him that he's fine. 

It just doesn't quite ease the restlessness. So the next time Ciri pops in, Aiden asks for her help and together they scheme. The next day, Aiden tells Lambert to go find something to entertain himself with for awhile because he needs to spend some quality time with his BFF. 

A few hours later they find Lambert sulking out in the vineyard, Aiden looking fine and fresh in a brand new pair of skinny jeans that show off his very nice ass, and some well-fitting combat boots that aren't nearly as durable as actual leather boots on the Continent but they have studs and buckles and look really cool.

Lambert is torn between thinking Aiden looks like a fucking idiot and thinking that he's never wanted to fuck Aiden more in his life.

Then Aiden drops the news that he also put together an outfit for Lambert because in his world, when you're interested in courting someone, the first thing you do is take them on a date. And he wants to take Lambert on the most stereotypical first date. What's that? Why the movies, of course! There's an X-men movie that just came out (I don't know which one, okay? I don't watch the X-men. You figure it out.) and he thought, maybe, he could show Lambert a little bit of the world he came from. They wouldn't be there for long, and they wouldn't be going to a theater anywhere near where Aiden's old gang would be. Nothing would be tied to Aiden's name, and he would be with Lambert, so he would be safe. 

It's a big change from the Continent. 

Lambert's never seen so many fucking people in his LIFE. Aiden had warned him about cars and technology and Lambert is pretty quick witted so while he's absolutely amazed, he manages to take it in stride pretty well. The thing that throws him off the most is when they go to buy popcorn and the girl at the counter goes, "Oh my god, I love your contacts! Where did you get them? They look so real!" 

Lambert doesn't know what the fuck contacts are, but Aiden steps in all smooth-like, "Fuck, Lamb, you've had those forever, haven't you? I think he got 'em off some cosplay site." 

Then he has to explain later that sometimes people put these little discs in their eye to help them see better or to change the color of their eyes for costume purposes. To which Lambert has the understandable reaction of, "Who in their right fucking mind would CHOOSE to do this to their fucking eyes?" 

Well, y'know, they can take contacts out whenever they want. It's a cosmetic thing. They don't know what you had to go through to get your eyes to look like that. You'll probably have some old conservative people eyeing you weird, thinking you're some Satanist or whatever, but most other people will just think it's a cool choice you made, to put those in to go to the movies.

The world is weird. Lambert can't decide if he likes it or hates it. 

He definitely likes the movie, though. And the popcorn. Probably finds the soda to be a little too sweet for his taste. There's still a lot of people, which makes him a bit on edge, but they came to the theater at an off time and not many people are actually in the room with them. They sit at the back and hold hands and Lambert decides he loves it. Ciri picks them up like a proud parent driving her kid and her kid's date home, only instead of driving she's teleporting and neither of them are her kids but whatever. 

But Aiden isn't done scheming. When they get back he tells Lambert to stay put and gets Ciri to take him back for one more little errand. 

A couple hours later they clang back into Corvo Bianco. CLANG back because each of them has a weird metal cart piled high with items and they're laughing their asses off. 

So you might be wondering, how did Ciri and Aiden afford clothes? They stole them. How did Aiden afford movie tickets and popcorn? He pick pocketed. Boy grew up on the streets. He knows how to steal wallets. And now they performed the greatest "run out the doors of Walmart with carts full of shit" EVER. Because as soon as they were out of sight, they teleported, no one the wiser. 

Aiden is thrilled with his non-purchases. Firstly, he has about a year's worth of toilet paper. he throws a package at Lambert, who's like, what the fuck is this. Toilet paper. What do you use it for? To wipe your ass after you shit, Lambert. Trust me. Once you use it, you'll never go back. It's a blessing, you'll thank me for it. There might not be indoor plumbing here, but god dammit, I want toilet paper.

He then hands Ciri two boxes of pads. Yeah, she was there shopping with him, but he just kind of dumped stuff in carts without explaining anything, and while Ciri knows what most of the things are, do you really think she's thought about how other worlds deal with menstruation? Because I menstruate, and the thought would genuinely not cross my mind. I would continue using whatever method I used back in my original world. So Aiden leans in to whisper what they are, because he's polite, and he becomes her favorite uncle just like that. And when Geralt and Lambert are like, uh, what? She tells them it's for menstruating and, "Oh, don't make that face at me, Geralt. I bleed, it happens."

Aiden admits that most of the other purchases are for Lambert, and when Lambert tires to protest Aiden makes it very clear that everything he bought is NORMAL in his world. Not even luxury, just NORMAL, so Lambert just needs to shut up and let Aiden make his life a little easier. 

First up, sunglasses. Because Lambert mentioned how painful it can be to take Cat and then step out into sunlight before the potion has run out. He tosses a pair at Lambert, who tries them on with a frown and is like, "Oh. Huh. Alright. These might actually be pretty useful." Aiden got himself a pair too. They match. There's also a tent. It folds up pretty small, but witchers travel, right? And Lambert mentioned how shit it is to camp in the rain, so here's a tent that’s better than the shit you can buy on the Continent. You lay out your bedroll in it, and you don't have to worry about bugs, and it helps protect you against the weather. It's small, but it looks kind of easy to put up, should be durable enough. 

And maybe just big enough for two, because Aiden isn't stupid. Eventually Lambert will need to take to the Path again, and Aiden wants to comes too. He wants to see the Continent. He can't help with the monsters, he knows, but maybe he can do something else to help them earn money. Who knows, right? This world isn't run by capitalism. He could make a living doing nearly anything. He can figure something out. 

He even got a water filter, and a couple filter replacements because witchers can probably drink any kind of stagnant water they want but he would rather not die of dysentery, thanks. And he got himself a sleeping bag. And he got Lambert a very, very soft fleece blanket just because he thought Lambert would like it. (He does.) Oh, also, Lambert, smell this soap. And this shampoo. Using a bar of soap has not done Aiden's hair any favors, he got actual fucking shampoo. The BIG bottle. And now Lambert has some nice pomade to use in his hair instead of bear fat. Won't make his hair greasy plus it smells better. Also there's bubble bath, just because. And beard oil for Lambert. Some moisturizer. Here, Lambert, put on some chap stick. Trust me, you'll love it. 

They set out on the Path and it's not always easy because Aiden worries CONSTANTLY. But Lambert is good at what he does. The few times they're ambushed, Lambert always keeps Aiden safe, because in this household everyone fucking survives. 

Aiden likes seeing Lambert in action. He swoons and calls Lambert his hero. 

There are some stunning places to visit on the Continent. Aiden's favorite are the elven ruins they sometimes come across. Only after Lambert deals with the wraiths, though. 

Aiden learns how to play Gwent. He's not that good at it. Aiden learns how to cheat at Gwent. He's VERY good at it. Lambert teaches him how to fish with bombs. Aiden is fucking delighted. 

Eventually he realizes how he can make money. He copywrites Disney. 

He's no bard. He can't sing or play an instrument. But he CAN tell stories, and no matter how much you hate Disney, there are probably a lot of Disney movies everyone can quote by heart, and they're either already time-period approved, or they can easily be adapted into something time period approved. Lambert comes back from a hunt to find the entire tavern listening to Aiden with rapt attention while he's in the front of the room putting on a one man performance of the whole, "I am Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die," while jumping back and forth to play each part. He's clearly having a blast with it, because who doesn't love telling other people every little detail about their favorite movie? 

As he's heading upstairs with Lambert, he just keeps raving about how he can't believe he actually made money with that. He hands Lambert a handful of coins, just like, "I don't know how much money this is, but look, it's money!"

Which probably leads to some conversation about capitalism and how easy it was in his world to feel insignificant, to feel like everything is pointless, and how much happier he is with Lambert. How it's even given him a new outlook on the world he came from. He doesn't want to go back, per se, but he doesn't want to completely leave either. He wants to show Lambert the best parts of it, to re-experience his world through Lambert, to really feel the amazement of it all the way he's supposed to, the way that's so easy to stop doing when you're actually living there. It's so easy to take it all for granted, but when you're showing it to someone who's experiencing it for the first time, you can really appreciate it all. 

So every winter they head back to Toussaint and Ciri takes them back long enough for them to do something FUN. They play laser tag. They rope Geralt, Eskel, and Ciri into doing an escape room with them. They go kayaking. They do one of those rope courses and zip-line things. They go to an amusement park. A water park. They walk around a nature trail. They go to a comic convention. (Lambert wears his armor and so many people want pictures with him. He's just sad Aiden wouldn't let him bring his swords, the kids would have fucking loved to see a sword.) They have so much fun. And Aiden stocks up on modern supplies for the year while he's there. Another year's worth of toilet paper, a new tent, another fuzzy blanket, a few pairs of sunglasses because Lambert always ends up breaking his, a nice backpack because Lambert really likes having a bunch of different pockets in his bag for organizing things.

And you know what? Give it ten years, Aiden's bordering on his forties, and he finds some way to make himself functionally immortal. Magic, fairies, a curse, a blessing, I don't know, I don't care. Their plan becomes to live until one of them dies of something--probably Lambert, because he's the one Aiden always has to patch up (he now always buys a very large, well stocked first-aid kit from his world too) what with fighting monsters and all, and the other will follow. It's morbid, sure, but it works for them. With the way things are going, neither of them thinks they'll need to do that anytime soon anyway.

Basically, they live happily ever after, okay? 

HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

[uncloseted]

hey, i love your blog but i had a question i wanted to ask? which is basically why do you (and your followers i guess) like effy?

i thought she was fairly cool and had a lot of potential in her s2 episode, but afterwards (s3-4) i genuinely couldn’t stand her. i feel like she treats most people pretty awfully other than tony and panda (and to some extent freddie). she just isn’t a likeable character to me, and i feel like the actress being so good looking is a massive factor in why so many people like her. in fact, i think that if kaya wasn’t beautiful, effy would be almost unanimously hated.

i also have a petty resentment for her based on the fact that as someone with a couple of mental illnesses (bpd/depression), i feel effy is a very poor and deeply romanticised depiction of mental illness, and this inadvertently created a whole generation of exceptionally irritating young girls who would then proceed to glorify mental illness and try to “be like effy” despite the fact that she really isn’t someone anyone should be seeing as a role model.

so yeah, am i right in my theory? do you like effy because she’s attractive, or do you find her relatable or compelling or sympathetic or something? or can you explain why you do? just looking for some insight.

side note: i typically like less “good” characters, i adore katie and cook for example, but with effy i felt she had so few redeeming traits other being “fit and mysterious” that i just couldn’t bring myself to root for her.

Thanks for loving the blog! If Effy's not your thing, please feel free to send in questions about other characters, too. I'm just kind of happy to talk about whatever is on people's minds at this point.

I've answered this type of question before over the years, but I don't think you're correct about why people like Effy.

I think fans of Effy are attracted to Effy not because of how she looks, but because of who her character is.  I think people are attracted to her character and want to be like her because they see the negative parts of themselves in her and want her positive traits, too.  She’s quiet, but it comes across as mysterious. She’s self-destructive, but (for the first few seasons, at least), it just means that she’s wild and fun.  She’s manipulative, but it just means that all the boys like her.  She's struggling with mental illness, but it means that Freddie tries to help her recover. I think people like her as a character because she’s at once relatable and aspirational, interesting but also messed up and struggling.

Fundamentally, I don't think her character is some type of social contagion where people see her and think she's so beautiful that they, too, want to have psychotic depression. I think the people trying to be like her are people who are already struggling and are looking for a solution. "Be like Effy" seems like a solution to them because then at least their illness will be palatable to others. Is it a good solution? No. Therapy is a good solution. Medication is a good solution. If I'm honest, part of the reason I still write about Effy on this blog at all is because I want to be able to talk to the people who want to be like her and offer them other solutions. But I get wanting to feel like there's something good or romantic or interesting about your experience with something as fundamentally difficult as mental illness. And oftentimes, being a mentally ill teenager feels so isolating. Seeing someone like you on TV is really powerful because it makes you feel less alone.

I also think that beauty is subjective.  Obviously Kaya is beautiful, but she’s actually talked a lot about how she was insecure as a teenager because she “was really skinny and flat-chested with frizzy hair” and has said she was bullied because of her appearance.  And even in other pieces of media, I don't think Kaya is nearly as beautiful or captivating as she is when she plays Effy. Effy is a character that seems particularly charismatic to me, and I think that's in the way she's written more than it is in how she looks.

I also think Effy gets hit by a lot of misogyny. Tony isn't a likable character by any means. He's terrible to the people around him, much worse than Effy ever was, and he's terrible to people because it's fun for him. But Tony is an almost universally beloved character in the show. In general, the characters in Skins are people who make bad decisions and are mean to those around them. That's what drives the plot. But they're all likable because we understand where they're coming from and why they choose to do what they do. I don't think Effy's any different.

Effy is a mentally ill teenager who's struggling to cope. She's someone who's confident and clever and fun and perceptive and supportive and would do anything for the people she loves. She's someone who's unapologetically herself all the time. She's also not great to the people around her, but it's mostly from a place of fear and not knowing what else to do, which to me feels very realistic. I think she gets blamed by the fandom for a lot of things that aren't actually her fault (like "breaking up" the Musketeers).

I also think it's interesting that the traits that made her seem "fit and mysterious" in the first two series turn out to be symptoms of mental illness, and I think it's interesting how we're prompted to reexamine the assumptions we were making about who she was in the context of this new information. I think her characterization really speaks to how we have no idea what a person's internal life looks like, and how we should approach other people with empathy because we don't know what their struggle is.

I find her to be a pretty accurate portrayal of one individual person's experience with psychotic depression, which is totally different to what another person's experience with that same disorder might look like, which is totally different to what someone's experience with bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder might be like. I like that her illness wasn't sanitized to only show a "nice" or non-destructive version of what that illness can be. I like that from the audience perspective, it's kind of frustrating to watch her continue to make mistakes. That's what real mental illness is like, and oftentimes that's what it's like to care about someone who has a mental illness.

I do think that the way her story ended was nonsense, and that the "evil therapist" trope was detrimental. She's someone I was really rooting for. I wanted to see her overcome her mental illness and her fear of vulnerability. I wanted to see her harness her perceptiveness and her cleverness to help others. I wanted to see her be a good friend and a good girlfriend. I'm disappointed that we never got to see that person who has worked hard to recover and has become a better person because of it.

But overall, I do find her to be a character who's sympathetic and compelling. You don't have to agree with me at all. A lot of people don't like her, and I get that. But it does sound like maybe you dislike what Effy represents to you (a portrayal of mental illness you don't relate to, a fandom who wants to be like Effy, and a character people only like because she's pretty) as opposed to the character herself and her storylines.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #338

“i can’t decide if you’re wearing me out, or wearing me well”

Are you a fan of techno? I've gotten more into it lately, actually. I've never minded it. Who’s your favorite horror movie villain/monster? Pyramid Head, though he's called Red Pyramid Thing in the movies. Do you have a favorite muscle car? Nah. I'm not big into cars. What would be a total deal-breaker for you, relationship-wise? You so much as lift your hand at me, bye, motherfucker. Would you consider yourself to be accepting of others? Yes, but not as much as I used to be. There are certain opinions I just don't tolerate in people anymore; I feel like by staying associated with people whose views invalidate or in any way harm others (racism, homophobia, transphobia, etc.), you're on the side of evil as well, even if indirectly. However, I genuinely do feel I have a wide range of viewpoints I'm willing to accept in others, even if I don't agree with them. Are you flirtatious? No. I think I'm only capable of flirting with someone I'm already with and very comfortable around. I'd feel way too shy and awkward otherwise. Have you ever just felt "drawn" to someone, but you didn’t know why? "Didn't know why," no. I've felt drawn to people with good reason, like if I was romantically interested in them. Is there anyone you currently want to reach out to? There's a number, honestly. Especially with the aid of therapy, I'm being motivated to strengthen bonds with old friends and/or acquaintances via Facebook. Freddy or Jason? I think Jason is scarier. Freddy tends to come across as cheesy for me. Have stickers or gems on your cell phone? Nah. Ever teased your hair? Bitch I damn well tried in high school because I wanted the ~ l e g i t ~ emo hair, but mine was just too heavy to hold, at least with the hairspray my sister had. Have any friends with benefits? Nah, that's never been my thing. Ever lost of bunch of valuable information? Ummm I don't believe so. I've lost massive RP posts before, but I can't really call those "valuable information." What drinks or food make you hyper? None, really. Most expensive thing you ever bought? With my own money, my snake. She's a champagne morph ball python. What type of toothpaste do you use? Crest. How much time to spend putting on makeup daily? Zero. When listening to a song, what do you listen for (lyrics, bass, beat, ect)? The beat, more than anything else. What is the color of your toothbrush? It's a white electric one. What is your favorite color(s) of eye-makeup? Black. Just black. Are you sexually active? I'm not. Do you have sensitive skin? Very. Are you attracted to several guys atm? I'm actually not attracted to any guys in my personal life atm. How many toilets are in your house? Two. Do you have an older sister? Excluding the one I don't know, I have three older sisters. Favorite song by Owl City? Probably "Hot Air Balloon," but I don't know many at all. What color is your mum’s car? White. Do you truly understand the (LDS) Mormon religion? I don't know what "LDS" means, but as my former best friend developed into a Mormon, I learned some stuff from her in her self-discovery. I don't remember a lot of it, not that I knew all that much in the first place. Where do you keep your kitty litter box? Ugh, Mom's unmovable about it being in my fucking room for some reason. And we have an extra goddamn room no one uses yet. Roman's shit STINKS, like we think something might actually be wrong, but nope, it has to stay in here. e_e It would literally inconvenience nobody if we moved it in the spare room. Are you a lighter complexion than your father? MUCH lighter. He's very tan. Do you like apricots? No. Solid soap bar or liquid body wash? 100% body wash. Bar soap slips so easily, and as someone who lives with another person, I'm not rubbing my body with the same bar my mother uses, no offense to her. Sharing it's just gross. Where do you live (country or state)? Shitty 'ole North Carolina. Do you use plastic, wooden, or wire hangers? I think we have a mix of them, actually. What is your favorite shade of yellow? I only like pastel yellow. Otherwise, it's one of my least favorite colors. Are there any shades of blue that you don’t like? If so, which ones? Ehhh not really. What is something you want to accomplish before you turn 30? God, can I please have a stable career by then. Who has the best decorated house in your town? I don't know. We live in a cul de sac community thing where it's just houses next to houses, so there's a lot to choose from. I don't pay attention to them. What is your favorite part of Halloween? The decorations. Do you feel a connection to the moon? "As above, so below," as the saying goes. What does your heart long for? Peace and contentness with myself. Did you decorate a pumpkin this year? Last year, I didn't. I do want to this year, though, if I can just think of a really good idea. I have to be motivated. What are some fall activities you would do with your kids? I'm not having kids, but I'll follow along, hypothetically. With how much joy Halloween brought me as a kid, I'd want to do SO much as a family with them. Homemade decorations, carving or painting pumpkins together, and hell yeah I'd be taking them trick-or-treating once I felt they were ready and they wanted to. I'd be one of those parents that probably spends too much on whatever costumes they want, haha... Oh, and then besides Halloween, I'd certainly rake leaf piles together for them to jump and play in. This question has brought to mind like ONE thing I could enjoy as a parent, haha. Have you ever seen a fox? I have; besides in a zoo setting, I've seen one or two in the wild run out of sight, and I also found one poor fellow as roadkill that had been disemboweled by I'm assuming vultures. With my whole roadkill photography thing, I literally almost kneeled into a strand of intestines I didn't see at first. :x What color are the squirrels where you live? We only have brown ones. Is there anything about Halloween you find offensive? lol no What do the trees look like where you live? Lots, and lots, and LOTS of pine trees... There are others, but I'm not well-informed on tree species and such. Oh, then of course there are dogwoods (our "state tree"), which are unmistakable because they smell like fucking manure. What is your dream vacation? Maybe the mountains on the western side of NC during the fall... ugh, that would be breathtaking. We actually have an abandoned The Wizard of Oz-themed park around there that allows tours at certain times of the year, and I'd love to visit and photograph there. As well, western NC has the zoo, which would be spectacular to visit with autumn weather and, once again, load up on photos. Did you like field trips when you were a kid? I LOVED field trips. Do you find museums boring or interesting? Very interesting! Would you ever wear a shirt with your country’s flag on it? No. I'm not patriotic enough at all for that. What’s a medicine that makes you sleepy? Historically, larger doses of Klonopin can knock me the fuck out. Do you like bath bombs? Never used one, because I don't do baths. Who are your favorite small YouTubers? I'm going to guesstimate you mean less than 1M subs as "small," because I really don't know what you consider to fit that description. I watch a lot of people with less than 1M, so it's hard to say, but lately it's probably been a let's player John Wolfe. He's really funny. Then there's some tarantula YouTubers, along with the animal educator Emzotic... and really just many others. I think most of the people I watch actually have sub-1M, but more than 500k. Who are your favorite big YouTubers? Markiplier is absolutely, positively #1. I also really enjoy Snake Discovery, GameGrumps, Jeffree Star (don't judge me ok, he's a fuckin hoot), and while I haven't watched them in years, Good Mythical Morning will ALWAYS be deeply, deeeeply embedded in my heart. What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? Ummm probably the Spice Girls? Have you ever used an outhouse? Ugh, yes, at old childhood sports games. What was the last good cause you donated towards? When I cut off like 8+ inches of hair to accomplish the style I have now, I donated it to Children With Hair Loss. My hair has always been mega-thick and healthy, so why in the world waste it? One of my most cherished items is the certificate I got in return many months later that my donation had been used. Have any of your exes gotten married or had kids since your breakup? I haven't had contact with Juan in many years, don't know what Tyler's up to either, and I haven't spoken to Jason since 2017, so. I'm very doubtful he's married or has kids yet, though, just knowing him and how "I need to be fully prepared for this" he is with big life stuff like that. Does it bother you when people get super emotional? Not at all. I'll do my all to comfort them. Have you ever worked in a restaurant? No. Do you get a lot of thunderstorms where you live? Depends on the time of year. Summertime? Brief but super intense thunderstorms every late afternoon. What was the last drive-thru you went through? Taco Bell w/ Mom. Do you know anyone who claims they can see/feel spirits or other supernatural ‘things?’ No. Do either of your parents have a mental illness? My mom has depression, and Mom is also convinced Dad has either depression masked as anger and/or bipolarity, but following the divorce, I don't see it in him at all. He's never seen a doctor in that field to be diagnosed with any mental illness. What fun things are there to do where you live? Jackshit. Do you know anyone with a really poorly-trained dog? Mother of fucking god, yes. My little sister lives with her best friend, and said friend has a colossal black lab named Hudson that is absolutely uncontrollable because she neglects the shit out of him. Won't listen to you even if it saved his life. He jumps on you, barks endlessly, and if he escapes the house? Good fucking luck getting him inside. She has absolutely no right to own a dog with how shitty of an owner she honestly is. When you were growing up, did your family rent or own your home? They owned it. The idiots who were moving in after us accidentally burnt the place to a fucking crisp, and my parents were SO not happy to lose that house because people were dumb enough to place boxes atop the goddamn stove. Do you do meal-prepping? No. Do you know anyone who got preggo less than a year into their relationship? Multiple people, not that that's my business. What did you dream about last night? I don't remember it clearly, other than I was with Jason and his mother was also present. What's the biggest age difference you've ever had in a relationship? That would have been with Juan, but I don't remember exactly how old he was. I just know I was a freshman and him a senior that got held back a year or so in HS. If you could save one animal from ever becoming extinct, what animal would you pick? Probably bees, given how vital they are. Name the coolest thing about one of your grandparents. My maternal grandmother worked at Disney World. I can't remember what her position was, though. Do you ever eat peanut butter straight from the jar? If I want a healthy snack, sometimes I'll have a scoop. Do you prefer your clothes loose or close fitting? They need to be loose. Favorite thing you’ve ever painted? This big painting of meerkats grooming on burlap I did in high school. Do you always wear a bra? I question the self-love of anyone who can sleep with a bra on. ;__; Do you normally finish one book before starting another? Oh yes, I can't read more than one at a time. Do you prefer reading books, comic books, manga/graphic novels, magazines, or the newspaper? The normal book. Do you know how to play chess? I don't. Are you watching anything? No, but I do have Manson's "Third Day of a Seven Day Binge" on in another tab. What is your blood type? A-. Has anyone ever borrowed something from you and never returned it? Yes. Do you twitch when you're falling asleep? Dude, I more than "twitch." I can just suddenly spaz out and look like I'm seizing for a moment. Another side effect of my nightmare suppressant medication. Are any of your pets “overweight”? No. Has anyone ever bought you a ring? My mom has bought me a few, and Jason gave me one for one of our anniversaries. Where was the last place you took a bath/shower, other than your own house? My sister's place. What first attracted you to the last person you kissed? Just how unique and happy that way she is. And her pretty much undying loyalty. Has someone ever taken a pic of you while you were making out with someone? No, considering I wouldn't go that far with someone unless we were alone. Had a crush on someone you thought shared your sexuality, turns out didn’t? Yes. What’s your favorite color to wear? Black. Does it gross you out if a guy has hair on his chest? I personally don't find an excess of it attractive, but it doesn't "gross me out." If they bathe themselves just like everyone else, why should it? Do you think sexuality is a choice or not? It is absolutely not a choice. If it was, I'd assume most people would choose to be straight, given phobias, hatecrimes, etc... I could write an essay on this. Do you like industrial piercings? Yeah. Do you think stretched ears are disgusting? "Disgusting" is, once again, the wrong word. Gauges don't really gross me out - hell, I want tiny ones -, but they can reach a size that, to me, is not visually appealing. Did you watch animated Barbie movies when you were little? I do remember loving Princess and the Pauper as well as the Rapunzel one; my sister was addicted to them. Oh yeah! Then there was the Swan Lake one that she adored, too. We usually watched movies together. Do you like fruit in your cereal? Big No. Do you like raw vegetables? Ugh, no. Do you listen to A Day to Remember? I do! They're on my list of faves. Do you like funnel cake? I actually don't. Have you ever been with someone while they were getting a tattoo? Yuh.

[classic80sand90smovieloves2]

The lost boys fighting with their mates would include~

(Not my gifs except the one of Paul)(Requested by anonymous)

(Don’t let anyone manipulate or control you alright. I’m talking about fictional vampires here, real life is completely different)

(I’m not sure I like these especially Davids headcanons but I tried my best. Sorry if they aren’t the greatest)

David~

- He’s pretty bipolar when it comes to how he acts when you’re in a fight. Of course different fights warrant different reactions but you could be having the same exact argument as another time and he would act totally different with you.

- But with that being said he’s usually very calm during fights; he never really yells or gets particularly angry. He sort of thinks of you as a pet even though you’re (most likely) a vampire as well.

- If the two of you fight it’s most likely because you had a problem rather then because he did. It’s quite hard for you to actually anger him enough to start a full out fight. He usually finds your actions amusing even if normal people wouldn’t.

- Overall when you’re fighting it usually feels like you’re trying to anger someone whose far more mature than you are which is obviously not a fun feeling.

- You’ll try to bring up something that you have a problem with and grow angry when he’s not really listening to you. Then you’ll probably try to insult him or get a rise out of him so that he finally pays attention. When you do he’ll treat you like you’re acting like a child after which he’ll try to move on like everything's fine and grow amused when it isn’t in fact fine. 

- That is until you grow angry enough that you threaten to leave or attempt to. It seems that only when you fight does David actually verbalize or show that he truly cares for you... in his own twisted, slightly scary way. Its because you’re forcing him to imagine a future with you not in it and he doesn’t like it at all.

- He knows you aren’t really going to leave him or believes you won’t. You’re part of them now, there’s no one else in the world that you can really go to that will understand and accept you like they will. You’d be all alone and he’s not afraid to tell you that which most likely makes you even more angry.

“Like you would spend eternity alone? No vampires exist anywhere close to here and if they did whose to say they’d accept you?” He says as he starts to walk away

“Wouldn’t matter if I didn’t go looking for them! I wouldn’t have to spend eternity alone if I just walked out into the sun!” You screamed after him regretting it as he froze in his spot.

“Don’t you ever say anything like that again or I’ll kill you myself.” He growls, storming out of the room.

- Obviously he’s pretty manipulative “person”. The only real saving grace of this is the fact that you don’t “fight” very often. You may argue but thats certainly not the same especially when you’re dealing with David and much like the two of you fighting: it rarely happens.

- When it comes to arguing the two of you more or less just bicker. A snarky comment made by you is followed by another made by him; its all just petty bullshit that neither of you will really take to heart after a few minutes.

- You’ll most likely walk out for a while and try to ignore him. During this period of you giving him the silent treatment he’ll merely watch you like he’s expecting you to come crawling back any minute. Which; even though it makes you slightly hate yourself, you do because even though he can be an asshole, you love him and the gang.

- He will apologize if he did something wrong even if he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. If it upset you then he does feel slightly bad even if he believes it’s trivial. He forgives you almost immediately when you apologize because like I said: he almost views you as a pet and half the things you do just amuse him rather then really anger him.

Marko~

- Marko and you fight all the time. I stand to believe that Marko is just one of those guys who likes to pick fights, argue and raise hell.

- I firmly believe that fighting probably turns him on and that’s half the reason you fight so much. Not all of your fighting is because there’s genuinely a problem and a lot of them are just because he thinks you’re hot when your angry. They usually end up with him just pulling you into a kiss and pushing you up against the nearest surface he can find.

- When you’re actually fighting he won’t let you walk off and definitely won’t do it himself. You’re gonna fight until things are resolved or until someone makes the two of you cool off. Believe me he can fight for hours and has probably tried to.

- The two of you are going to yell and insult each other. Paul will probably step in and pull him away because things get heated very quickly. Of course he’d never lay a hand on you but the boys think that you’ll strangle him any minute now the way things are going.

- He probably throws and breaks shit when you storm off. The boys have to stop him and get him to cool off; usually Paul’s the one whose forced to deal with him because he’s the one who can always get him to calm down and because he’s the closest to Marko.

- If the boys aren’t around you just fight until you aren’t angry anymore. Things eventually start to fizzle out after a while; you get out all your pent up frustration and then you can think rationally about the situation together.

- The problem is if someone does pull the two of you away from the fight Marko does not let shit go. He will hold a grudge until you make it up to him which you probably don’t try to resolve out of spite and pride because you think he’s acting childish.

- When he’s “holding a grudge” he’ll either refuse to acknowledge you or he’ll watch you do whatever you’re doing angrily. You usually end up just rolling your eyes at his behavior even though it sort of upsets you depending on the situation.

- This usually ends with you kissing down his neck while he sits grumpily and insists he’s still angry with you. That is until he pulls your face so that you finally kiss him on the lips.

- When it’s his turn to apologize he tries his best to do so and get you to talk to him, finding any excuse he can to get you alone and/or corner you so that you have to acknowledge that he’s there. He usually pulls out the same techniques that you do when trying to apologize.

Dwayne~

- Both of you are usually responsible for starting fights. It’s rare that one of you is solely the reason why the two of you are fighting. There will be an issue that both of you have different opinions or ideas about and that will spark something.

- You guys don’t usually fight. Dwayne is one of the more normal and easy to deal with of the group so you hardly have any problems in your relationship. 

- When you do he will literally just leave. Just walks out the door and disappears for a while. He usually goes out to try and cool off after things get a little too heated for his liking.

- This would be fine but he genuinely doesn’t really know how to apologize. Like after hes cooled off he has no idea how to get you to stop being mad at him or how to fix things in general so he just sort of stays away from you. A lot of the time you stay away too thinking that hes still actually mad at you/still upset.

-  Sometimes you go after him as he storms out especially if the fight was about something petty. You’ll follow him even after he tells you to go home and he’ll either stop and turn to try (and fail) to send you home or have to stop for something and wind up with you hugging him from behind, effectively breaking down his resolve near instantly. 

- If you don’t you kind of get threatened by the others to fix things but they’re just confused and sick of having to watch Dwayne longingly stare at you whenever you’re on the boardwalk or happen to be around the gang. The boys probably end up teasing him about it.

“Trouble in paradise Dwayne?”

- You’ll probably end up seeing him when out with your friends or alone and have to look away because of the intensity of his stare. You still can’t quite understand the emotions behind his eyes even after you've been together for a while so you have no idea what him watching you means. 

-  Sometimes he’ll appear to ward off some asshole that won’t take a hint, protect you from something or help you but the next minute he’s gone and you’re alone again.

 - You usually have to go and find him yourself if you want to resolve anything even though he absolutely hates it when you go out alone. He knows damn well that the boardwalk isn’t safe for you and the thought of you getting hurt trying to find him tears him up inside. 

- When you do go to apologize you usually wind up at the cave. The boys will just stare at you for a second before pointing you to where Dwayne is. You’ll talk things out and the issue will be resolved fairly easily for something that’s caused so much angst.

Paul~

- You fight pretty often; Paul’s a wild card and difficult to deal with. He lives on the edge and is more reckless then you can tolerate at times. Not to mention the fact that he sometimes can’t seem to stop himself from flirting with the girls on the boardwalk.

- It’s hard for a vampire to understand how a teenager/young adult feels and it sort of shows in your relationship. He never quite understands what the big deal is when you have a problem with something he’s doing.

- Fights are explosive. The two of you usually end up yelling and saying a lot of things you don’t actually mean. You never say anything unforgivable even if you’re completely pissed.

- Sarcasm is a big thing in the relationship especially when fighting.

- He’ll sarcastically apologize while you’re arguing and you’ll call him an asshole or something along those lines. It’ll spark a sort of battle of insults or a war of sarcasm and snarky comments.

“Well damn darling why don’t I just turn vegan if you don’t like me killing people?”

- In the end he’ll storm off and you’ll walk home in a huff. When he comes back and sees you’re not where he left you he gets even angrier and tries to ignore you for a while.

- It all comes to a head when you cross each other’s paths; he’ll start to say something to you but you’ll just walk on by. Seeing you walk past him sort of makes him rethink everything and really come to the realization that you don’t have to stay with him. You can dump him anytime you want and that really doesn’t sit right with him because he doesn’t want you to.

- He randomly shows up at your window at night to apologize. You’ll be sitting on your bed or at your desk and just hear a persistent knocking. When you go to open it he pops out and scares the hell out of you but the flowers he has makes you ignore the fact that you just had a mini heart attack.

- He crawls inside and opens his arms for a hug. If you don’t instantly fall into his arms he tries his best to formulate a verbal apology even though he really isn’t good at it.

- You usually end up forgiving him as he fumbles around with his words like a total doofus especially when he comes out with something along the lines of how he doesn’t want to lose you.

- If neither of you end up storming off fights usually end in a rough kiss and/or other things after which either one of you or both of you will tiredly apologize for what happened.

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

.

.

.

.

.

.

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

[malcolmbrights-a]

ship meme ray x claudia

SHIP MEME

where was their first date ?: their first date was surprisingly really cute? like i know their meeting was essentially a meet-ugly, instead of a meet-cute, since they they didn’t like each other so much. but since they ended up becoming close friends, and claudia ends up writing to him while he’s overseas, after a while raymond ends up asking her out. it’s after he gives her her first kiss and she’s so fucking shocked, but in like, the best way ever. because she never assumed he liked her and probably assumed dayting just wasn’t his thing. also when she’s younger she doesn’t want a boyfriend, not really, but then when raymond asks her if she wants to date him, they end up going for dinner and then to play laser tag and they had fun. it was during the springtime because i love the idea of them going to the park often before that. because i feel liek the park is ‘their’ place, you know? so before their first date, in a way, they had lots of friend dates.

what my muse would do to cheer your’s up: claudia makes a lot of stupid as fuck jokes to make raymond laugh when he’s feeling down. like she has no idea what he went through overseas and she knows shit all about the assassin stuff because she doesn’t know he’s an assassin. but she does know how debilitating ptsd can be so she’d want to make sure that he was fine, so she’d make him smile, she’d hold him, she’d make him his favorite foods. she’d also talk to him about nothing and everything just so he can have the company. and i feel like he returns the favor when her bipolar is acting up. because they are just really supportive and helpful with each other when it comes helping each other with their mental health issues. 

who wakes the other up with kisses ( and where ) ?: raymond for sure. at first claudia was surprised by it cause he doesn't come off as a romantic at all. so when was asleep, and got woken up with kisses, she giggled and told him to stop being a fucking sap, even though she was super into it. i think at some point, when she wakes up earlier than him, she'll wake him up with kisses too. Or she'll fucking jump on him and straddle him, put her forehead to his and be like "wake up, raymond, darling…" lol 

who would pour water on the other to wake them up ?: claudia sksksk he would've had to do something to piss her off the day before for her to resort to childish behavior like. i can't think of what the thing is on the top of my head, but it'd be bad. maybe it's the day after she finds out he's a vigilqnte murderer in the verse where he is and she isn't.

how my muse would wake your’s up: i said above, with kisses or by pouncing on him. but on days where she's behaving, she'll wake him up gently by getting on top of him to nuzzle him awake. he usually smirks while she does it and will try to keep from laughing. and when he does end up laughing, he'll give her lots of mouth kisses and turn her on her back so her can kiss her more.

who would start a food fight while baking or cooking ?: claudia. she's a bit childish at times and has a playful sense of humor whenever she's not working. her and raymond would be in the kitchen baking because that what claudia does after retiring from the fbi. then claudia gets this wild idea to put icing on his nose, kiss it, and then ray puts a handful on her cheek and it turns into an all out war that ends with a huge mess and them laughing so hard that they both cry. and rory eventually walks in to see what the commotion is all about sees, the message and just leaves. HES NOT HELPING CLEAN THAT SHIT UP. NO THANK BRUH

who would suggest putting marijuana in the brownies ?: oh god claudia, but only for her and group of lady friends cause raymond is a former addict. 

who said i love you first and how ( or when ) did they say it ?: claudia says it first, surprisingly. the two of them are in his room, listening to some music that ray likes, and she ends up resting her head against his shoulder. the reaches for his hand - albit awkwardly - and turns up to look at him. she ends up smiling because even though he’s a bit goofy looking to others, she thinks he’s really handsome and he looks even handsomer while he’s in thought while listening to music. he catches her staring, goes “what?” and she blurts out that she loves him. she’s so embarrassed when he doesn’t say it back immediately, and almost leaves his room so she doesn’t like get teary eyed. but before she can leave, ray grabs her by her elbow and pulls her down to him, giving her a soft kiss before telling her he loved and pulling her down to him. 

who would get into a physical altercation over the other ?: they both would fight for the other. like claudia will hear some bitch talking shit about ray and she’ll be ready to fucking pouce - man, woman, nonbinary - and the only person who can stop her will be raymond lmfao. she will be like so mad that anyone would even THINK to talk about her mans like that. like how could they do that - how? also ray doesn’t tolerate people talking shit about claudia either. so really people need to like keep their words to themselves when it comes to these chaotic dumbasses. 

who insists on purchasing a pet together ( and what kind of pet ) ?: lol claudia. raymond doesn’t like the idea because at the time they’re like in their early twenties with a baby, and adding more responsibility to what they already have could be too much for them. but claudia assures him that she can take care of a dog and rory. he kinda of doesn’t budge on it at first, but then claudia does puppy dog eyes and pouts all day about it. does that thing where she fake cries like a brat. and like he gives in because he can’t deal with it anymore. anyways, they get the dog and ends up being a mental health dog and he’s raymond’s best friend after that. like he prefers raymond to claudia and claudia is always so fucking butt-hurt about it. 

who is louder ( in and out of bed ) ?: claudia is louder in and out of bed oh lord. she honestly is such a noisy person in bed because she likes how she sounds and wants her partner to know that she’s enjoying herself. like if she’s not being noisy it’s either really emotional sex or like she’s not feeling it at all. there’s no inbetween when it comes to her tbh. like no inbetween at all. she just has no middle ground. raymond is quieter but more dominant and he actually makes some noises (like you said he does)

who takes more risks ( in and out of bed ) ?:  holyshit, miss claudia here of course. she goes about doing everything face first and always had. it has been her downfall time and time again, but it has also opened the world of new opportunities to her. i feel like in college, before raymond went overseas, that the two of them would do a lot of stupid impulsive shit like grafiti the street and steal candy from the store. go to strip clubs for the fun of it. follow people to parties when they don’t even know them. stuff like that, and they have a blast. when they’re older claudia takes more risks but like she’s not into partying of stealing or whatever. she’s fine with just living her life with ray. but ooooooooooooh in bed i feel like it’s ray. claudia didn’t have sex until she met ray so ray would have more experience than her. i remember you saying he’d show her new things, and tbh i love that because she’d be so excited to try them. and her favorite thing would be spankings because she thinks they’re so damn exciting. like the rush she gets - how ray talks to her when she gets them. like it’s the biggest turn on ever for her. 

who would bring up the word ‘daddy’ first ?: none of them. like claudia wants to fight when guys tell her to call them daddy, and i’m pretty sure raymond thinks it’s gross lmfao. but you did say he called her ‘baby’ when he wanted to calm her down or when they were in bed together. she’s like in love with him using that as a pet name and it really makes her feel loved and wanted in and out of the bedroom. like wow he cares enough about her to have a special name for her. god that does things to her. both sexy and affectionate things. ahhhh

what is their shared, favourite kink ?: they’re both into light bdsm so i’d say their shared kink is their shared kink is basically sex games where you’re fucked silly but you  can’t orgasm unless you’re told to do so. or where you can’t touch unless you’re told to. or when you can’t touch yourself unless you’re told to. stuff like that. or just you know, not being able to do what you want unless you’re told. and since they’re both switches, sometimes claudia will be the dominant one, while other times it’ll be raymond. so they get their thrills from sex because it’s never just the same thing, you know? it’s always different. even when it’s similar to how they’ve done it before because they shake things up.

describe their typical kiss: their typical kiss is surprisingly really soft and not rushed? like you’d expect them to have these gross, over the top passionate kisses, but that’s just not how things go. these two, contrary to everyone’s beliefs, are really soft for each other and love each other very very much. like they’re always trying to do things to show they care for each other and it makes me so fucking emo dude. 

how my muse shows their love for your’s: god, she shows her love for him through acts of service and general affection. like she will cook meals for him and make him coffee just because she loves him and wants him to know that. and she’s always surprised that on days where she’s not the one showing love through acts of service, he’s the one doing it. so she shows him by doing little things for him. like she’ll help him shave his chin, her face really close to his so that it’s really sensual and so that she can really focus, and he always seems both into it and grateful. and later on he’ll draw a bath for her or whatever. It’s basically a back and forth where they take turns showing each other love in various ways.

their favourite ways to give affection: god before raymond claudia just would not kiss or hold hands (family not incestious just like cheek kissus, you know?) with anyone who wasn’t family. like she refused to kiss them or touch them or anyway. sure she was seeing a lot of people at the same time and just wanted to have her fun and the enjoy the company of others, but it always bit her in the ass when she didn’t want to give her company affection or sex, cause suddenly they didn’t want her anymore. raymond wants to be around her in the beginning even when they don’t kiss or hold hands though, but that’s because he’s usually not one to kiss and hold hands, so it’s like, you know mutual. and when he first kisses her she’s so shook that she’s not fucking repulsed by it and just wants to kiss him again, and when they’re not kissing, she thinks about kissing him again. and it’s just so goddamn girl with a crush on a bad boy lmfao. but anyway, she shows her affection with kisses and hand holding and that’s wild to me bruh

who is more dominate ?: they’re both pretty dominant, but for the most part it’s raymond. i feel like a lot of people would be surprised by that since he’s so goddamn soft spoken and claudia is so goddamn loud both with her body language and in general,  but no, he’s the dominant one for the most part and claudia lets him be. like honestly, she prefers him to be if i’m gonna be honest. she likes the feeling of letting go and not being in charge for a moment in her life. it feels really fucking good just to break free from it all and just let someone else have control for a little while. 

who sings in the shower ?: claudia because she likes to hear herself own voice and has always been that way because she thinks she’s god’s gift to mankind. her voice is great tho not gonna lie. like it’s really crisp and beautiful. however she is the type who forgets the lyrics to songs so she sings the wrong lyrics. i feel like it would annoy the shit outta raymond with other people when she sang in the shower or when they were in the car together, but when it’s claudia doing it he finds it endearing. but like, i could be wrong. i have no idea what raymond would think cause i know he is easily annoyed by certain things

who washes the other’s hair in the shower ?: raymond washes claudia’s hair and claudia just melts into his touch, arching her back and loosening her body. it always feels really good to her. to the point where she lets out little satisfied hums that she just can’t help but to release. eventually, she does end up returning the favor and washing his hair - even though he doesn’t have much - because these two are all about taking turns with each other. but it ends up with them having a soap war cause claudia is chaotic as fuck haha. like she be that way

who initiates shower sex despite being in a rush ?: raymond, and claudia is like “bruh, i have to go to work - stop and behave” and he grabs her ass and she just gives in, even though she was gonna give in anyways. like she loves being groped by him and always has liked being groped by him. it is so fun and exciting to her and makes her feel like he’s really into her body - not that she assumed otherwise cause she thinks she’s a goddess - and she loves that because it makes her feel powerful to know her spouse is fucking in love with her body. like ha wow

who teases the other under the table at dinner with the family ?:  claudia but only at dinners with her mother because she doesn’t respect that woman and she makes her anxious. so for some reason that makes her want to bone raymond. it’s probably surprising to him every time because he just fucking gets jumped as soon as they’re alone in the house and has no idea where to go with it because he doesn’t want her to regret jumping him later. but eventually, as time goes on and she does this shit over and over again throughout the years, he starts to see that she isn’t really gonna be upset after they have sex because it’s a form of stress relief when they’re visiting her families manor.

who has the weirder taste in music ?: i’d say claudia since you said ray mostly listens to 70s rock and roll. meanwhile claudia will listen to trashy country, trashy pop, or the worst trap music ever made. she doesn’t give a fuck. music is music and it nearly always makes her feel better. on days where she feels bad she will listen to a few random songs that are upbeat and suddenly her life is much better and she’s the happiest girl in the world. like it’s temporary, but it’s enough for her to be satisfied with her mood for a little while.

who would initiate dancing in the rain ?: claudia because she just enjoys the idea of it. she loves copying what she sees in the movies and i bet she saw something that made her do it. raymond gave her an odd look when she asked, but since it’s ray, he did it anyways, and ended up having a blast. i think as an anniversary gift to themselves, if it’s raining they’ll dance in it. and if it’s not, the two of them will dance in the sprinklers cause they’re fucking secretly saps. SECRETLY. Okay, not so secretly. Everyone knows how gross they are by that point. They both went from ‘don’t touch me’ to always holding onto the other always and i think it confused the shit out of the few friends that they shared between them. 

who would be the one to suggest marriage ?: raymond. claudia wasn’t sure if she wanted to get married. she really liked the thought, especially, since she was pregnant with rory before they got married, but she never expected them to actually get married because ray had talked shit about marriage to her in the past. but then, one day, she was going through a bag he’d left on the ground and she found her ring while he was standing behind her and instead of saying sorry, that bitch screamed and said yes. that fool could’ve been holding a ring for a friend, but claudia didn’t give a fuck, they were getting married now. but the ring was for her so yeah. 

what would they name their children ?: oh clyde and joyce!

who would their children take after more ?: joyce is more raymond, rory is more claudia.

[demaury]

Some kind of mistake (cha. 4)

Ever since Eliott first came across the new resident of the apartment 320, he made peace with the fact that Lucas ‘Big Blue Eyes’ Lallemant would, one way or another, turn his life upside down. Thing is, he hadn’t expected that Lucas’ wife and Lucas’ daughter would play a part in it. Because, you know, he didn’t know they existed until it was too late. (ao3 link)

Eliott stared at the screen of his phone, like he had been doing far too many times ever since he fell into that damn rabbit hole that was Instagram.

Love of my life.

It was written, in all caps, and it made Eliott hate himself a little bit more each time. The picture in itself? He could live with it, even knowing she was the girl he had spotted with Lucas last Saturday. The caption? That could mean anything and everything all at once. But there were dozens of them. Videos of Lucas being a dork with her. Close-ups of their hands tangled — or their legs. Birthday declarations. Anniversary posts. And then-

Then came the little one. 

Eliott had no idea what her name was. Lucas didn’t have much about her on his Instagram, but her mom’s account had a whole bunch of pics of him feeding her and holding her. For some reason, though, he kept coming back to this post in particular. The most recent one Lucas had posted, the day before the evening he had come to his place. It was the one that made Eliott resent this situation the most — all the while knowing he had no right whatsoever to be upset. If he had been building castles in the sky, it was his problem, not Lucas’. Not his girlfriend’, or wife’, or whatever. And certainly not his kid’s.

Still.

He should have listened to Idriss. He should have been sneaky and found that fucking Instagram account earlier. Everything would have been much simpler and he wouldn’t have been left feeling like shit for something that wasn’t his to feel.

He hadn’t seen Lucas, not even caught a glimpse of him ever since the moment he spotted the three outside the building, and frankly, it was best. There was nothing better than not stumbling every five minutes on your cute but very much taken new neighbor when you were trying to get over your stupid crush on him. Because, yeah, that was a stupid crush right there, no matter if he had started acknowledging it only when it had turned out to be impossible.

Maybe a part of him was relieved. Tiny. Secluded in a corner of his brain.

A huge part wanted the ground to swallow him every time he came across Manon though — because, eh, he knew her name now, not like he could still pretend he didn’t —, which happened on a daily basis.

He had just lit up a cigarette one morning, at the foot of the building, and was waiting for a client to pick up the phone when she had greeted him with a polite nod. He had replied with the same gesture, and just like that they had started existing in the same world. Once his reflex pushed him to hold her the door as she kept struggling with the stroller. Another time he had just hopped in the elevator, only to find an abandoned pacifier, attached to a string of wooden beads, lying on the floor. For some reason he crouched down and picked it up, but just before the doors closed themselves, Manon appeared outside and once again his reflex pushed him to block them.

“Oh, you found it, thank you so much,” she sighed, relieved. “I thought she had thrown it in the street.”

Eliott’s eyes traveled from the pacifier to her blue eyes, once, twice, then he nodded and handed it back to her. “You’re welcome.”

She smiled and waved him goodbye, before retreating towards her flat.

Ava Rose, he thought as he unlocked his front door, once he’d reached his floor. That was the name spelled on the wooden beads. Lucas. Manon. Ava.

He shook his head to himself while stepping into the quiet apartment. He had never minded living alone because he had literally fought for it — against his parents, against his friends, against himself. But right now he didn’t remember the appeal. He sighed, then stepped back, closed the door and locked it before shoving his keys into his pocket.

He needed to get laid.

*

The blinds of his bedroom suddenly snapped open with a hissing sound, and Eliott groaned, face burying into his pillow as the morning light flooded in. He didn’t know which day it was, but he wasn’t particularly keen on finding out. Neither about that, nor about the person who just decided that it was a good idea to make his eyeballs melt with his skull.

“Well, it’s been a while since I last saw you do that,” a voice muttered somewhere around the bed.

It took Eliott an extra-second to realize it was Sofiane, and that if Sofiane was here, it meant he had used the spare key. It pissed him off. They had a deal. Sofiane had the spare, but he had no right to make use of it. If anything it was just for one of the many occasions Eliott lost his own.

“Do what?”, Eliott gritted into his pillow, not caring if it was rude or if the words didn’t come out just right.

There was a sigh. “Sleeping around,” Sofiane answered bluntly. “Distancing yourself. Not answering my texts.” He paused, and Eliott could make up the crease of concern between his brows without having to look, then his friend added: “Eli, are you okay?”

Eliott huffed into his pillow, then rolled onto his back, squeezing his eyes shut. “I am,” he said, perhaps a bit more harshly. He opened his eyes carefully, then sat up, holding the sheets reasonably high on his waist. Sofiane was patiently waiting at the foot of the bed, arms crossed, like the good dad trying not to throw a tantrum. It made Eliott sigh, and he ran a hand through his wild hair. “Look, I know what you think, and you’re wrong, okay? I’m not- I’m not manic. It’s got nothing to do with me being bipolar. I’m just having a shitty time, and I’d rather spend it alone.”

Sofiane cocked an eyebrow. “Sorry for not having thought about that when I stumbled on the girl you just slept with crawling out of your apartment,” he deadpanned.

Eliott wanted to glare, but all he managed to do was to stare blankly at his friend. He didn’t have enough energy to be angry. Everything had been burned out this past week, when he had finally decided to make use of all the entries he had in a bunch of clubs around Paris, but never used because Sofiane and Idriss were a thousand times too boring to tag along nowadays. Of course, Daphné hadn’t been pleased when he had to call in sick, but he guessed it was mostly because the girl he was with had been cackling loudly at whatever she was looking on her Instagram feed.

“Just go away,” he mumbled, flopping back down onto the mattress.

“Eliott, I’m serious. What happened? Last week you were telling us about your new crush and now you’re burying yourself under the covers.” To be fair, Eliott did answer the question. Just with his mouth pressed onto his pillow, which, technically, may not have been the best idea to be understood. “I didn’t quite catch that,” Sofiane pointed out.

“He’s got a girlfriend,” Eliott snapped. “Or a wife even, for all I know. And a fucking kid.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah. Ah,” he repeated sarcastically, then he shrugged to himself. “It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m fine alone.”

I’m used to crushing on straight guys, he added inwardly. At least, his last functioning brain-cell was working in his favor to keep the filter up between his brain and his mouth. He didn’t want to have to explain Sofiane that he used to have a crush on him, back in high school — back when he was so desperate to find some balance, some control over his life, that even the tiniest, simplest gesture was enough for him to fall in love and mistake his gratefulness with stronger feelings. It went back to ten years and now Sofiane was just his close friend and nothing more. There was literally no point in bringing it up now, except if he really wanted to make a mess.

“Are you sure it’s true, though?” Eliott peeked out from his pillow, looking at Sofiane with a quizzical expression. “Are you sure it’s even his kid? I mean, plenty of people have roommates nowadays. You did live with Idriss at some point and you two were never a couple.”

“Look, Sof,” Eliott retorted, trying really hard not to hurt his friend’s feelings, “I’m not stupid enough to make assumptions based on nothing. His girlfriend’s all over his Instagram account with fucking love declarations. I hear the baby cry, I see her walking around with her stroller. I don’t know what kind of messed up world you live in but in mine these are proofs enough that I need to fucking back off and stop having shitty ideas.”

Sofiane heaved a sigh. “Alright. Alright, yeah, maybe. But just, don’t ignore me. Okay? I don’t mean to intrude or to upset you, I’d be just as worried if it were Idriss,” he concluded before leaving the room.

*

Eliott’s digital pen slipped onto the graphic tablet like any other goddamn pencil in the world onto a paper sheet when the wailings picked up again. He slapped his hands onto his temples with a furious hiss, squeezing his eyes shut in frustration as if he was six all over again and trying not to hear his parents fighting.

He was going to murder someone.

Or worse, he was going to lose his sanity.

The baby had been crying for three hours straight, then had relapsed for fifteen minutes, just enough for Eliott to think it was finally all good — and then had started all over again. He just couldn’t take it anymore. He’d have already gone out, if it wasn’t one in the fucking morning and if he had a few hours to lose in a club, where he’d hopefully get to enjoy the background noise. But since he had done practically nothing for the last few days, taking entirely too much time off to go out and about and party more nights than his body could possibly handle, what was bound to happen was finally just about to happen: he was in the deepest shit, with a shit-ton of shitty deadlines coming his way, and not enough hours to possibly get through all of it.

Below his flat, the baby was still crying; sometimes her wailings seemed to fade out, but he just assumed that her mom (or her dad) was simply walking around the apartment trying to ease her. Well, it didn’t work. It took ten more minutes for Eliott to snap, scrap his chair on the floor as he stood up from behind his desk, and strode out of his flat without even caring about walking in socks or locking the door behind him. He knew what he was about to do was petty, and mean, but he didn’t care. He simply needed to let out some of the pettiness he had bottled up since his last encounter with Lucas, two days ago.

Eliott was walking out the building, when he had stumbled on him, baby in one arm as he was fighting to fold up the stroller with his free hand. As soon as Lucas had caught sight of him, after simply uttering a ‘hi’ in response to Eliott’s polite greeting, he had immediately said, blue eyes sharp and tongue even sharper: “Now that I finally get to see you, could you, please tell your girl to stop screaming so loud? The building’s old and we got a baby, you know.”

And truth be told, Eliott had been so stunned, and so vexed, that all he had found to answer was “I will tell them.”

That was a far cry from all the sweet banter from last Friday.

If Lucas had been literally any other guy, any other guy with whom he had shared no more than a single evening, and no physical contact whatsoever, and that the guy had treated him the way he was doing right now, Eliott would have never even so much as thought about him ever again — except perhaps during one of those evenings where people casually recounted their worst moments in life around a glass of wine.

But unfortunately for him, Lucas was not any other guy, he was the guy who lived on the floor below. He had to hear about him, and so it was only fair that Lucas did too, Eliott thought bitterly as he knocked onto the front door of the apartment number 320. It didn’t take long for it to open, but still long enough for him to work himself up some more.

“Hey,” Lucas mumbled as he stood in the doorway, the baby’s wailings echoing louder from inside the flat. He was wearing pajama pants and a wrinkled, plain white tee-shirt, his hair sticking in literally every possible direction.

It didn’t go unnoticed that Lucas’ blue eyes were bloodshot and painfully red, but Eliott was too petty to let himself distracted by something like that. “Can you do something about it or I can definitely make peace with not getting one minute to work?” he snapped.

Lucas opened his mouth to answer but the baby’s cries suddenly intensified, making his shoulders slump a little more. “I’m sorry- I’m really sorry, she’s teething and Manon’s out of town and-”

He trailed off and Eliott found himself standing there like an asshole. Of fucking course. It was his luck, to decide to be petty just when no one could do a single fucking thing about the situation that bugged him. He should have thought about the teething thing, but it wasn’t like he was used to having babies around. Lucas watched behind his shoulder, looking more than a little defeated, and Eliott would have found it funny if he didn’t actually think Lucas was on the verge of crying too.

“I, uh, yeah. I-, you know what, nevermind,” he muttered, taking a step back from the threshold.

Lucas spun around when a particularly loud and slightly worrying screech echoed from wherever the baby was inside, and Eliott didn’t know why, he didn’t, because he wasn’t compulsively polite, but he followed Lucas regardless.

It was the stupidest thing he had ever done, but he was doing it anyway. It was like seeing a car-crash on slow-motion, he just couldn’t stop his feet from padding inside, and his hand from closing the front door. He was on auto-pilot, and he was already regretting it as he followed Lucas inside the living-room, where the baby was fussing in her baby-seat. Her face was red and crumpled from crying, and he could make up the streak of long-dried tears down her cheeks.

“C’mon Ava, please,” Lucas insisted quietly, rubbing her tummy as she kept kicking up in the air with her feet. His voice wavered and Eliott felt truly sorry for him, to the point of momentarily forgetting about being pissed.

Not just momentarily, in fact, he realized as a good minute stretched out with him standing there and Lucas looking completely helpless next to Ava. He reached out to touch her forehead, letting his fingers caress her red, chubby cheeks.

“They don’t give stuff to make it easier for them while they’re teething?” Eliott enquired, shoving his hands into the pockets of his sweats, and it seemed to startle Lucas.

He stared at him blankly, as if he had forgotten he was even there. “Yeah,” he said after a moment, “but it’s like, effective to a certain degree. She’s got tons of teething rings but they always stop helping after fifteen minutes. I don’t know why, they aren’t even warm when it just stops working!” Lucas’ frustration was so painfully apparent that Eliott winced to himself.

“Hey, calm down, it’s gonna be fine. She’ll just tire eventually,” he offered.

“I thought so too,” Lucas sighed, turning back to Ava after a moment, “six hours ago. She’s already had Ibuprofen, she doesn’t do well with those stupid chamomile drinks and she refuses to eat anything. She’s gonna be dehydrated before she even stops crying.” He sighed some more, and shook his head to himself as he leaned forward to pick Ava up from her baby-seat. “Guess we will just have to take another ring. Again.”

If Eliott saw that Lucas was shaking a little bit when he stood up he didn’t say a word. He caught the purple teething ring that Ava was waving angrily in the air before it fell to the ground, and made a point of not making a stupid face as saliva suddenly coated his fingers. Instead, he behaved like a grown man and followed Lucas in the kitchen to rinse his hands and the ring. In the meantime, Lucas had opened the freezer and was struggling to pull out another plastic toy without making the whole content of the freezer fall down on the ground or bump Ava’s head into anything in the process. Eliott took the freezing toy from Lucas’ hand and put the warm one for him to stock in the freezer, before the door closed and he handed the fake set of keys to Ava. The object seemed to stir some interest after a few moments of waving, and she eventually grabbed it and brought it to her mouth (not before she hit Lucas’ chest with it a handful of times though).

Lucas turned bleary eyes to Eliott, handing his hand out. “Can you give me-”

For some reason, Eliott immediately grabbed the kitchen towel left onto the kitchen elements, probably after recent use. Lucas mumbled a small ‘thanks’ and wiped Ava’s chin clean. “Let’s hope this one will last longer than fifteen minutes,” he whispered tiredly as he retreated towards the living-room, rocking her a little, Eliott following close behind.

Ava was gurgling pensively, the plastic keys faintly echoing as Lucas sat down with her. He glanced up with drawn-out eyes. “I’m so sorry, really,” he winced, “you should go back upstairs and enjoy some quietness as long as it lasts.”

Eliott waved, huffing a little. “It’s fine, it’s fine.” He fidgeted a little then perched himself onto the armrest of the couch. “I mean, it’s true I work better at night but, like-”

“Yeah. You had your hands full. I know.”

Something in Lucas’ tone made him glance down at him, a little surprised, but then Lucas was already busying himself, trying to find a comfortable position on the couch without leading Ava to start fussing again. The baby was growing quieter, too busy she was munching on the keys, and Eliott hadn’t realized yet how much his head was starting to hurt. He couldn’t even imagine what Lucas was going through. Maybe that’s why he had snapped at him the other day — it would definitely explain the change of mood between them.

Yeah.

That was probably that.

Eliott shrugged. “It’s not like I’ll be able to do much if in fifteen minutes she starts crying again.”

Lucas looked down, embarrassed, his eyes looking hazy enough to make it believable if he started to cry right there and then. “I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, it’s fine. I was just joking, Lucas,” Eliott quickly said, and he nudged him slightly in the shoulder, pulling a face. “Timing might be a bit lame though, sorry.”

Why are you doing this? Why?

It was stupid. But it felt natural. How could you just fight comfort?

Lucas groaned, sighing a little as he rested his head on the edge of the couch. “I’m too tired to smile, you’ll have to wait for another day.”

Eliott snorted quietly, then shifted to sit down onto the couch. “I’ll just wait to see if we get past fifteen minutes,” he explained as Lucas drew his eyes on him with a quizzical expression.

“Twelve,” he replied, somber. “Last time it was twelve.”

Ava paused, her mouth wide open as she stopped chewing on the keys, and she seemed to take a particular interest into Eliott, her blue eyes staring at him as if she was wondering all of a sudden what he was doing here. Yeah, I’m wondering too, he said to himself.

“Well, we will wait and see,” he said out loud. “You know, one minute after the other.” He glanced at Ava, who had started busying herself with the plastic toys. “It seems to work, though.”

“Don’t get too cocky just yet,” Lucas huffed, adjusting his position on the couch with a ‘humph’. “I love Manon and I love Ava, but if I get the chance of escaping this hell for a week I’d happily take it, just saying. I just need some silence.”

At this point, the words sank in without particularly cause Eliott to suffer. It wasn’t that deep. It was easier than this time in high school Sofiane had started dating a girl and was talking about her all the time. It stung a little bit, but it was how it was. Nothing more to say.

Really.

“Talk to me, I can’t fall asleep with her,” Lucas mumbled, reclining Ava into his arms.

Eliott quirked a brow. “Why don’t you put her back to sleep?”

Lucas took a deep breath. “I’m afraid that if I stand up she’ll start stressing out or something. And right now my head hurts so much I can’t take that risk. I need my twelve minutes of calm and silence.”

“We’re already two minutes in, sorry.” Eliott laughed quietly when Lucas turned desperate eyes on him. “Okay. So. Hum. What do you want to talk about then?”

“I don’t know. Literally anything. What are you working on?” he asked without tearing his eyes away from Ava.

Eliott didn’t know much about babies (nothing, really), but it almost looked like Ava’s eyelids were going heavy. “Designing flyers and promos cards for a club. It’s kind of what I do most. Marketing and stuff. And I get free drinks and free tickets sometimes.”

“Sounds cool. Cooler than my job.”

“What kind of accountant are you?” Eliott asked, cocking his head a little.

“I, uh, I work for an agency that sets up seminars for companies and stuff. Kind of an event planning thing, but the opposite of the party type,” Lucas explained, lowering his voice. “Manon works there as well.”

“Oh,” Eliott replied, then he adjusted his voice to match the level of Lucas’. “Did you, uh, did you guys meet there or something?”

“Nah, we met in high school. We weren’t talking much back then, we kind of were onto different sides of a large circle of friends, and then we lost track of each other.” Lucas looked briefly at him then sank a little further into the couch. “We only reconnected, or rather, well, you know, connected, because I was delivering lots of stuff to the agency when she was an intern. It kinda fell into place like that. We practically met on a daily basis because of that and then we hung out together outside of work and stuff. After a while- well, after a while she started suggesting I should pick up my studies, just to get a better job. So I did eventually, I went for a quick training course and she got me a job in the same agency.” He smiled, then added: “She’s the best.”

Eliott tried to swallow down the lump forming in his throat.

You don’t get to be upset.

You do not.

“I dropped out of art design school,” he said, almost whispering. It was the first thing that came to his mind as he was desperately trying to find another (safer) topic. Lucas glanced at him, looking interested, and Eliott rubbed the back of his neck, propping his right leg to rest his ankle on his left knee. “I didn’t want to waste so much of my time learning things I didn’t care about or that I knew already. I was bored so I took a few commissions outside from school. It was easy and fun and I got paid for this so after a while I just figured I could do well enough without a degree. Kind of useless when you’re doing in the self-employment department.”

Lucas had a ‘makes sense’ raise of eyebrows. In his arms, Ava was still clutching at the set of plastic keys but her eyes were getting heavier, drool dribbling down her chin. Eliott leaned forward and grabbed an abandoned towel on the coffee table, then handed it to Lucas who gave him a tired smile in return.

“Have you been living here for long?”, he asked, wiping her face clean.

“Almost five years. At first it was a bit expansive, but I didn’t want to back down and go back to living with my friend Idriss. It was fun and all but once you’ve tasted being on your own…”

“I’ve never lived alone. Funny right?” Lucas twisted his mouth in a crooked smile. “Before, I was living with my three friends, those you met the day I moved in. It was fine and cheap, but after some time the flat got crowded. Basile and Yann were dating and their girlfriends were constantly home and it got a bit too much for me at times. So I moved in with Manon for a while and now we’ve moved here because the other place was way too expansive.” He remained silent for a moment, then shook his head a little. “I’ll end up in my forties, letting everything and everyone down and just go live in Bali, I’m telling ya. Running on some beach every morning and stuff.”

“Sounds nice,” Eliott chuckled. “I’m more of a snow person though.”

Lucas cocked an eyebrow. “I never said you’d be there,” he deadpanned.

“Ow, that hurts.”

They shared one more glance and laughed quietly.

“I suppose I could make an effort and make a trip or two in Alaska every once in a while,” Lucas whispered casually after a minute or two. “You know, just to get away from all that vitamin D.”

Eliott smirked. “Yeah. Sure. The vitamin D.”

There was a silence as they stared at each other. It was a shame to see such beautiful eyes ruined by sleepless nights, Eliott couldn’t prevent himself from thinking. Now he was starting to understand what his mom meant when he wasn’t sleeping enough during his teenage years, and she always ended up complaining that it transformed his whole face. He had always brushed it away because that came from his mom, but maybe he was starting to get the point.

“Has it been twelve minutes already?”, Lucas asked.

“Nope. Why, I thought you needed your twelve minutes of silence?” Eliott teased softly, shifting a little on the couch to rest his elbow onto the backrest. “Don’t tell me you want them over already.”

“No, I just want to get a sign that she finally got tired enough to sleep for good.”

“What if she wakes up after thirteen minutes?”, Eliott didn’t resist to ask.

Lucas glared at him, but it was more endearing than strictly menacing, with the bags under his eyes and his messy hair. “I’ll hit you thirteen times if what you brought up brings bad luck.”

Eliott snorted, resting his head on his folded arm. “Alright then. Let’s wait and see.”

[pyrceval]

A rambling stream of thought on the right vs the left on basic beliefs.

I have a confession.

Once upon a time, I considered myself a conservative.

I think, if we are being honest, anyone who was coming ‘of age’, essentially in their early adulthood or coming in to it, around 9/11 felt they were pushed in that direction regardless of their starting points.

Even the democrats in elected office did. The entire country took a giant step to the right on that day. It’s natural, of course. We got hit hard. All of us, collectively, every American felt that. Whether you view that as good, bad, ugly, or indifferent is irrelevant. It was a natural reaction to getting kicked in the teeth.

Shortly after that, I found myself listening to radio talk show hosts. I was captivated, in particular by one man. His name was Glenn Beck. Now, I say was very pointedly. The man who now inhabits that name and body, is a very far-and sad-cry away from the man he was then.

That Glenn Beck sought to find the humor in everything. In fact, it was his sarcasm and wit that I originally enjoyed. He used to famously say things like ‘I’m not a politician/scientist/whatever...but I am a thinker’ and would not only use, but live by the quote of “Question with boldness...”. THAT Glenn Beck brought republicans to task over things every bit as much as he did democrats. In some cases, as I recall, even more so because he expected more from them.

What happened to that man since then, I have no idea. Is it because he became a Mormon? I don't know. Is it due to his brain disease and near death? I don't know. Is it because he has been brainwashed and paid massive sums of money? I don't know.

The point is, that man did teach me to question EVERYTHING. And so I did. I do. And I always will.

Over the past several years, my question everything stance has led me to some sad realizations about the world we are in. The government we have to try to survive. Not the least of which is the games being played by the republican party.

You see, they often accuse the democrats of being taken over by their far left fringe. However, using this distraction to put the democrats on the defensive it allowed them to be taken over by their far right fringe. Only...their far right fringe has always been masquerading as their rank and file all along. They simply hid themselves. Cloaked themselves in supposed good deeds, patriotism, and faith. But they were always there, just under the surface.

At one point in time, I worked as a vet assistant. Unfortunately, you know what happens to a dog once it has bitten and drawn blood? It has to be put down. Even if it isn’t rabid, the fear the dog, having now tasted blood, will want more is very real. Once an animal knows it can cause harm, knows it can draw blood, it’s desire to only grows.

This, I believe, is exactly what has happened to the republican party.

After 9/11 they were let off the leash. Free to draw as much blood as they wanted, with a cheering country, perhaps even a cheering world behind them. They were able to start revealing themselves for what they were and channeling their hate, their racism, and their desire for conquest and power through the apparent good deeds of ‘striking back’ at ‘our’ enemies.

As someone with bipolar disorder, I understand rage a lot better than most. It is powerful, and addictive, and very difficult to control even if you want to. These republicans have no desire to hold back their rage.

When Obama became president, their rage was forcibly bottled. Forced down. They seethed. They struck out at him over stupid things. Don’t get me wrong, Obama was not always right and made his share of bad decisions and errors, however he was at least a man who wanted to do the right thing. Rage was not part of his equation.

Then...this disaster of an excuse for a human that somehow got elected came along. The orange blunder is all rage, and passion, and no thought. It was the equivalent of caging that wild, blood thirsty dog for eight long years and then suddenly opening the cage in a meadow filled with lambs and schoolchildren. The bottled rage from these republicans spewed forth, causing chaos and destruction. 

As I look the events transpiring, as I ‘Question with boldness...’ I have come to a startling conclusion.

Modern day liberals are more in line with the core values of classic conservatives than the modern republican party is.

Classic conservatism was focused on one notion above all others. The idea of personal, individual liberty. The belief was that the rights of the individual should always take precedence over the desires of the government. They believed the government should make no laws, create no hurdles, cause no harm in any way that would impede an individuals right to live however they chose. A person, and individual, was his own master and the government should serve them, not vice versa.

Though I have long ago discarded any notion of being a conservative, I still hold that value. A person, every person...EVERY SINGLE PERSON... has the right to live how they chose, so long as they do not harm anyone else. The republican party of today however, far from railing against big government overstepping its bounds and stepping on these individuals and their liberty as they once did, now desire more and more government to restrict and impede and step on the freedoms of others.

And what are the democrats doing? They are fighting government over reach! DEMOCRATS...ostensibly the party of ‘government is the answer’ are fighting back against the government growing and taking on more power! They are fighting for the rights of each and every individual ... again ... DEMOCRATS ...supposedly the party of ‘scary’ socialism and  ‘spooky’ communism, are the ones standing up for the rights ...the liberty one might say ...of the individual.

We have republicans, little more than blood crazed hounds salivating in rage these days, driving the government to greater and greater size all the while using it to smash it’s foes and destroy lives. We have democrats advocating for individual freedoms and rights, and to restrain the governments over reach.

Up has become down, left has become right. Or something.

Anyway, my long rambling nonsense coming to an end here, and what’s the point? Simple, if you consider yourself an actual ‘classic conservative’ and not just a card carrying republican...then you should vote democrat, for they share more of your values than your former party has in a very long time.

[conversationswithmybipolarchild]

#3 SCHOOL & BP

Felicity: Today’s topic: school and bipolar disorder. I think this is appropriate because you are thirteen and you go to school. I have not been in school since 2002. Which, was seventeen years ago. Geez. I’m old.

F: So, you know more about this than I do. Obviously. I mean, I do remember being in school and having depression, but I have no idea what it’s like to be in school and have bipolar disorder. I can’t imagine.

Anja: There’s a whole other pole.

F Yeah, that’s got to be wild. So, I think you’ll lead this topic and I’ll be here for commentary.

A: I have...

[slams notebook on surface]

A: NOTES.

F: Hang on a second. You look so pretty right now. I need to take a picture of you.

A: Okay.

[Takes picture]

F: Okay, thank you. You may resume.

A: I have notes. And I spent about fifteen minutes preparing these notes and I think they’re very good.

A: So, when you’re bipolar and you’re in school, the most important thing is to be on meds. Because without meds, you are lacking focus. You’re disorganized. You’re easily frustrated. Which, doesn’t go well around people. You’re also easily overloaded, which also doesn’t go well around people.

A: Now, being disorganized, I’ve always said school is not a game of smarts. Although, that definitely helps. A person that might not know as much, can succeed more, if they’re organized. It’s a game of organization.

F: I’ve always heard school is more about the ability to memorize, rather than learn.

A: That too. It’s more about passing than succeeding.

F: Absolutely. You don’t have to learn, you just have to pass. That’s really sad.

A: A disorganized person is more likely to fail. I know this because I was disorganized. I was without meds, and I pretty much failed.

F: You passed only by the skin of your teeth and my persistance.

A: Yes. Now, I say you’re lacking motivation. A big misconception is that people who are manic, is that they’re motivated in every area. Like, they get everything done.

A: However, mania also comes with executive dysfunction.

F: I LOVE that term. I had never heard of executive function or dysfunction until about two weeks ago, when I read about it on Twitter. Someone used Post-It Notes as an analogy, and I thought it was genius. If I can find that tweet again, I’ll post the link to it in the comments.

A: I think it’s very fitting.

A: Mania does motivate you, but for the wrong things. Like, it motivates you to clean your entire house at 2am, or order 400 of those little arcade aliens. It doesn’t motivate you for hygiene or homework or basic daily things you need to do. It motivates you for whatever weird impulses you get in your head.

F: It’s an impulse thing. It’s what motivated Alden to, all of a sudden, rip open a microbead pillow and scatter teeny little static beads all over the house, but he can’t shower. I notice that about you. You’re so motivated to make your Tumblr posts and be there for your friends, but child, sometimes, your hygiene can lack. I mean, I have that issue with my depression but the motivation thing is so strange. When you were younger, you loved reading. You were all about your books. Absolute obsession, but I couldn’t get you to be passionate about anything else.

F: I’ve always said, because of the whole executive function thing, that bipolar children need some kind of cognitive therapy to teach them how to remember to brush their hair, brush their teeth, take showers. Without Mommy and Daddy holding their hand. As a teenager, you should be showering on your own. I just feel like, if we could get bipolar adolescents some kind of cognitive therapy, they’d at least be on a path to better daily habits.

A: The most important thing I want to bring up in this post, is that if it comes between your grades and your mental health, take care of yourself first. Do you agree?

F: I do to a point. I believe you should be able to balance both. If you take care of your mental health, your grades will follow, which, is what your point is, I think. Now, I used to disagree. When you were undiagnosed, I said on numerous occasions, “Nothing is more important than your education. Your feelings won’t get you a job. Your friends won’t get you a job. Your video games won’t get you a job.” I still stand by my statement, “There’s nothing more important than your eduation,”.I feel like it’s on parents to help you balance all of it. It’s my job to teach you how to balance your education, your mental health, and your physical health, because when you become an adult, you’re going to have to balance it on your own. So, it’s my job to prepare you. You’re going to have to balance a career, mental health, physical health, relationships, hobbies. As a parent, it’s not so much my job to push education and teach you that there is nothing else but eduation, as it is my job to teach you how to have balance.

A: I feel like the whole, “your feelings won’t get you a job” thing is pretty harsh. I mean, it’s true, but it’s harsh. Mental health is a lot more than feelings. It’s the way you are. It’s your state. And if you’re miserable all the time, because you’re so busy with school, maybe it’s just better to take an F every once in a while. You know?

F: Yes and no. I understand what you’re getting at. Old habits and feelings die hard sometimes. Eduation is incredibly important to me. But, it’s part of the reason, this last school year, I let you slack off a bit. To be able to take care of your mental health. However, I didn’t do a very good job teaching you how to have balance. All the areas of your life suffered this last school year, because te balance wasn’t there. I’m not doing a very good job balancing your life.

F: I think, as parents, we need to step up and do a better job teaching our kids how to balance the different areas of their lives. They’re all intertwined. You can’t have one without the other. You should be able to manage school, mental health, physical health, and relationships. You should be able to manage school at your best. And yes, as your parent, because I technically made you, I know what your best is. I know what you’re capable of. And also be able to balance decent mental health, which is, to me, having open conversations, communicating with one another, taking your medication, taking breaks.

A: Speaking of communicating with one another, literally the worst thing you can do, is cut yourself off and not talk about stuff.

F: Absolutely. I will attest to that! I will, because when you were diagnosed, I didn’t tell anybody. I didn’t want anyone to know my child was flawed. It felt like a stain or a blemish on my parenting. Especially when it’s all being blamed on me anyway. I held it in and my year-long depression was so deep, I didn’t see a way out. Then, I confessed. Someone on Twitter called it “Coming out of your mental health closet”, which is what I did. I said, “Hey, my kid has a major mental illness. It’s a huge struggle. I know it’s real because I took her to four different professionals and got the same answer each time. She’s on medication. This is very hard for me. I need support.” And as soon as I started being open about it, my depression lifted. I was pulling myself out of that pit. So, for me, communication is everything. Communication is the most important thing that a human being can do. Period. Communication benefits mental and physical health.

A: Yes.

A: I’m going to have to say something. It’s going to be one of those things you’re going to scold me for because I should have brought it up earlier. I hate it when you assume you know everything about me, because you made me. Like, you kind of do, but at the same time, you’re not me.

F: I agree, but I’m not saying I know everything about you. I’m saying I know what your best is. I know what you’re capable of. And that may not be because I made you, it may be because I know you. I know what you’re capable of. I’ve always known what you can accomplish.

A: But what I’m capable of changes of over the time.

F: Yeah! I know that what you’re capable of now, is different from when you were in fourth grade. I don’t have the same expectations of you now that I had then, As you evolve, I evolve as well. We do that together. I know that a lot of people think that parents and children are separate entities, but we evolve and grow together. I think, maybe, especially since I was a fairly young mother. When you were born, I had no life experiences, and we sort of grew up together.

A: I feel like because you have mental illness and you were a young mother, we can relate to each other a lot more than other neurodivergent children and their parents.

F: Also, because I value communication as much as I do, and I think I’ve passed that on to you. I need to communicate. I have to. It’s not a want. I absolutely have to. Not only for my mental health, but physical as well. I end up with ulcers and headaches when I don’t communicate. I’m miserable. I have to talk.

F: We’ve gotten way off topic.

A: Yeah. But it’s a conversation. That’s what conversations do.

F: What was I talking about initially?

F: Oh, I was talking about balancing school, mental, and physical health. I feel like, as a together parent, as a parent that’s really kicking ass, you’re going to guide your child through balancing all of those aspects of their life. Because, if you don’t teach them to do that now, they’re not going to know how to do it. Which, it’s taken me all of my adult years to figure out. I still don’t do it very well. As soon as I start getting all rockstar on my depression, well, my diabetes is out of hand. And as soon as I get my diabetes in order, I’ve neglected my home and my duties here. I’m just not very good at it. But, it’s my goal, that you’ll be better at it as an adult than I am, and you’ll be far more successful than me.

A: Having mental illness, and having to go to school, like, having homework...

A: Like, sometimes, I can’t handle it. Do you understand?

F: Yep.

A: Like, that feels so dumb to say. It feels so lazy of me.

F: No! This last school year was really hard on all you kids. Not just my kids, but the kids at your school. I heard moms at cub scouts saying how they wished they’d sent their kids to another school, because the homework was outrageous. They tripled the homework. You’ve got homework on weekends and holidays.

A: I’m surprised I don’t have homework right now. Sometimes I feel like, I’m just sitting around and I’ll think, “Oh, I need to do my homework! Oh, wait! I’ve been out of school for three weeks!”

F: Yeah. No, I mean, I get it. Especially, middle school, is super overwhelming. I wish there was no homework. You don’t want to be in that environment of pressure all day, and have more pressure when you come home. I feel like kids would have an easier time balancing their lives, if they didn’t have to bring school home. Which, is why I’m glad I took you guys out of your afternoon activities. So you’d have more time for balance. The school puts a lot on you and they’re not factoring in your mental health. They’re not factoring in how hard it is.

A: I don’t think the school board knows that mentally ill children exist.

F: I feel like it doesn’t just affect mentally ill kids. It affects all the kids. There’s so much pressure all the time and then to have to bring it home.

F: One of the things concerning school and bipolar disorder, is IEP. Your school district is so eager to hand out Gifted and Talented IEPs, but they make it next level impossible to get a one for a disability. Not in a proactive way, at least. They’re not as willing to make accommodations. I’ve been fighting for three years to get you an IEP, and all I hear is, “You’re going to hire a lawyer because your request will be denied.”

A: Why didn’t you have to hire a lawyer for G/T?

F: Exactly. The thing is, and they’ve said it to me before, if you throw a desk or punch someone in the face, they’ll write out an IEP that day.

A: I’d get expelled. If you get in a fight, you get suspended and if you get suspended, you get expelled.

F: True for your school. The problem is, they’re all about being reactive. I’d rather set accommodations up for you in a proactive way, so you don’t end up throwing a desk or hitting someone or lashing out in some way, but they won’t do it with out a lawyer. When I go to them and say, “My child has a diagnosed and medicated mental illness,” I was under the assumption that they’re supposed to work with me on that.

A: Children with mental illness should not have to hire a lawyer to get what they need from the school system.

F: That is a profound statement and very true.

F: It’s sad. I guess I’m going to have to hire a lawyer to get you what you need in school. I don’t want you to be in that position where you’re feeling unstable and you have no out. You’ve texted me a couple of times from school saying, “I’m feeling pretty on edge. Can you come get me?” I’m glad you had that out, but what if you didn’t?

F: Somebody that I know, her son threw a desk at school, and the school called the police. They handcuffed him and took him to the psychiatric unit of the local hospital before they called his mother.

A: I think that’s illegal.

F: Whatever it is, it’s not okay.

A: It’s not reflective of human rights.

F: That’s profound.

F: Do you have any more notes?

A: No.

F: Okay, then I want to end this on one note.

F: Everybody. And I mean everybody. Parents. Friends. Relatives. Caregivers. Mental Health Professionals. School systems. Politicians. Lobbyists. They’re ALL failing our children. One hundred percent. Parents aren’t paying enough attention. Parents don’t know their rights. Parents don’t see what’s happening within their own children. Or maybe they do, but they don’t know how to get help. Medical professionals are withholding information. They’re not offering treatment for children. School system is absolute crap for mentally ill children. It has such a huge stigma. I hate that word, but there is such a huge stigma around children’s mental illness. Parents are afraid to come forward. Kids are afraid to come forward. No one wants to speak up.

F: WE ARE FAILING OUR KIDS.

A: I know you wanted to end on this, but I just wish that you could go to your parents and tell them that you don’t feel good mentally, just like you would if you had a stomach ache. Like, “Oh, I’m feeling a little bit anxious” just like “Oh, I have a headache.”

A: I wish you could be picked up from school because you had an anxiety attack, just like you would if you threw up or had a fever.

F: I completely agree with you. I wish you could walk in to your doctor’s office and say, “I feel very very sad,” the same way you’d say, “I have a lot of headaches.”

F: Maybe one day. Hopefully within your lifetime. But for now, until something changes, a lot of kids are dying. A lot of kids are going undiagnosed. A lot of kids and families are suffering. A lot of kids are becoming tormented adults because they’re not getting the help that they need.

F: THEY’RE BEING FAILED AT EVERY SINGLE LEVEL.

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Life Story Part 99

Unfortunately for me, on my first day of work, I was invited to see Okkervil River play down in Boise with Josh, Melissa and Whitney. I couldn't skip my first day of work however unlucky it was that it fell on the same day. So Allison ended up going instead. I ended up really liking Okkervil River later on when I was given more exposure to them and have always been sorry I didn't get to see the show. Allison got to meet Will Sheff the lead singer. She also got to know Whitney and Josh and Melissa better. Their connection to Zack ultimately was very limited. Whitney was his sister, but nobody was really involved with Zack since he had gotten into harder and harder drugs, and for the most part Josh, Whitney and Melissa  had chosen to cut down. They all seemed to love Allison too, admiring the fact that she played music and wrote her own songs, was cheery and enjoyable overall. Allison felt idolized by people, potential friends who were older than her, who made her feel mature. This really became a huge deal for her. She felt she had found her new family I think. Whitney and Josh became somewhat of an obsession for her in particular. When she got back she could talk about little else but them. She now had friends, and it meant more to her than anything in her young life. It meant she was differentiated from me, and could get away from whatever she found awful about me. It meant that she had finally found acceptance after pining for friendship for so long.

Alex, Sarah's ex, finally moved to Georgia. He had stayed for the last few months to say goodbye to some of his work friends at Shopko. Sarah and I drove up to her family's ranch to say goodbye to him for the last time before he went on his way. I guess despite the mess of him and Sarah's relationship, they had spent six years with one another. It was an awful long time, and they still had a strange history with one another and connection that couldn't be erased. They didn't want to leave with mutual dislike for one another. It was weird because just as I had begun to make friend with Alex, him and Sarah had broken up and he was moving. In fact, Alex had reached out to me to see if I was okay after he found out about Sarah's decision to be with Zack. He knew Sarah and my friendship enough to know that I was probably mentally destroyed by the whole ordeal. I sent him a message telling him I gave them my blessing. It was weird as I the smoke from that spring cleared just a bit, that my attitude about Sarah and Zack had done a one-eighty. I no longer was all that supportive or sympathetic. I was still hurt, but the hurt was becoming something else. I was growing to accept certain parts of what happened, and no longer seeing every detail of what came next as being significant or having anything to do with me really. I had my own life to live. But back when Alex had asked me if I was okay on facebook, I hadn't been able to articulate that.

I remember we hung around in the hammocks and Sarah and Alex reminisced about the fun times they had had early on in their relationship, and how they had grown to bigger and better things. They avoided the topic of Zack. Alex might have said something about Zack being a drug addict, which made Sarah uncomfortable and change the conversation. For some of it, I went on my own and picked flowers. It was a pleasant and somewhat reserved goodbye. We all hugged one another and Alex left. He would be going to Georgia. Sarah gave him her truck that she had gotten from her mother, and he took their cat Gooboo with him and off he went to start his new life elsewhere.

I still having a terrible time, but the terrible time was changing into something euphoric. I could never manage to fully explain it to anyone. I felt like I was being driven and change into something that felt a little bit like hysteria. Reality was not grounded, but in a new way then the ungrounded reality of winter. In a way, this lack of clarity was more wild and vivid and involved action and feelings that needed to be expressed. I didn't feel the movements happening around me. I was the movements. I was the universe. I was connected to the vibrations of everything, and I became whatever I felt which could be anything at any given time. I felt invincible for weeks straight, and at random intervals I felt like death and I would cry. I couldn't show it much of the time at my new job – but I found ways to channel that energy when I worked, I couldn't act the crazy that I felt inside mostly, but I would go home some nights and I would still sob uncontrollably, or laugh uncontrollably. And internally, I began to wonder if there was something chemically off balance about me. I remembered getting diagnosed with chemical imbalance when I was in fifth grade. I remembered all the reactions I had had in my youth, all the strong ups and downs. I remember in the alternative school, Jenni telling me that Mike thought there was something psychologically off about me. It was hard to tell where circumstances made my behavior normal, and which parts of it were all me. Because life had been wildly unfair to me. I say this without self pity. I wasn't dealt the worst cards, but they were pretty shabby just the same. And no matter how crazy I was, had there ever been someone in my life who wasn't crazier than me? How could I gauge if I was well or not.

Looking at the diagnoses for bipolar disorder, I began identifying with a lot of it. I felt malleable and crazy and ready to take all manner of risks. I had started feeling anxious and euphoric at times when I was a teenager. And I had found ways to deaden this side to myself, but now there was no filter for those feelings. I felt euphoric and powerful, and fell into these dark irritable moods. I rarely took things out on people, but I had recently confused Allison by demanding that she start playing Ziggy Stardust the next time I started to cry, and when she did so I chastised her and told her she was being insensitive, and got in her face about it. Which was wrong on my part and I felt like an ass as I did it, but it annoyed me so much the idea that she could remedy my misery automatically. I had told her she could of course, but now I was finding myself insulted by her following the orders that I had put out. Of course I had no means of taking risks, at least not many – but if I had money I would have gambled. If there was some viable options for relationships of any kind, I could have found myself throwing myself out sexually as a means of self destruction. Fortunately, there were never many outlets for me to pour myself into.

Of course, I never got a real diagnosis for bipolar disorder, and my cycles didn't/don't always align with the cycles that are put forth by the psychiatric community. Over the years, I have monitored myself and I think what it comes down to is this. I probably have what some people consider, type 3 bipolar, Cyclothymia. My moods go up and down like bipolar, but the depression is generally not as low as it goes, and my ups aren't so destabilizing that I entirely lose it, but I still am on a very rocky boat, and my perception changes on me drastically. It's difficult to diagnose, and it's questionable if medication would be worth it in my particular situation because I have found ways to manage it almost – so long as everything is going somewhat smoothly in my life (no break-ups or deaths). However, if I am going through very troubling life circumstances, my symptoms start to look like type 2, and in these situations I really can fall. I begin to become delusional. Which is why I require a lot of self monitoring – more self monitoring than people probably recognize. It makes me seem self absorbed, but often times it's just there is a complex science to understanding myself and where I am at. It's hard because with a type 2 bipolar diagnosis, I would have something concrete to explain to myself and the world what it's like to be me, but since I don't generally and I feel mildly silly at times for self diagnosing (I fall as well in a low level autistic spectrum), I am hesitant to say anything about it to anyone. The summer of 2011, I could probably have used some therapy and medication. It would have done me a world of good I am sure. But of course, therapy and medication is for people who have insurance. Dishwashers generally don't get insurance.

Honestly too I guess, I am not always certain I really want to get rid of the ups and downs (mainly the ups). It's come to be a part of who I am – regardless of what I do or do not have. I worry mostly about the potential for spiraling out of control when stuff gets hard, and I have never really had any support with this aspect of my personality. I am completely on my own. I can never fully trust myself either – I have time periods when I need very little prompting to make terrible destructive decisions, and while I was doing it I didn't even know. I feel like I am addicted to life, and everything I do is intriguing and great, and then later on I have to deal with it. There is potential for disaster in me. I lack boundaries. Sarah has pointed out that I am very malleable. But I guess I could argue that if I am not to be trusted, then neither is anyone else. When you shift between perspectives often, you realize that people who flat line in one perspective sometimes lack the ability to realize that everything is perspective – and we are all doing the best we can from where we are at emotionally and psychologically.

One thing that is hard is that when your falling there is this unspeakable disappointment – like everything you believed in and are working on is a lie. I fill up with dread and shame and confusion. It feels like life is over. My whole body hurts and I lay in bed for days and just can't think. It lasts for about a month to six months straight, and everything I have to do like going to work is much harder and I feel ugly and ashamed and numb all the time. Writing helps me through because it reminds me that my thoughts are real and that I am a person of some kind. I have to take steps to get back on my feet – force myself to eat properly, do things for myself I don't want to do – shower, dress up, and when I finally do get on my feet I am fine for a few months, and then something sparks in my mind and I am ambitious and euphorically excited to be alive and everything gets crazy and magical again. This can be mild or really intense, depending on what's happening in my life, but the fall from grace is just horrible feeling. It comes on like when you know you are becoming nauseated due to the flu. You just have to brace yourself and accept that the gig of feeling really good is over for awhile.

I worry too that I will be seen as weak and this is ultimately the grand scheme of my personality. I feel defensive because otherwise, when I get comfortable in any given situation I know that my gauge and reaction to how I fit into the picture is skewed. Whether I am up or down, I don't have the kind of pragmatic middle ground that keeps me safe or levelheaded. I am not really exactly crazy in the sense that I am dangerous to other people directly, but there is a lack of level ground to go home to and if someone were to take me seriously I feel like I would burn them out pretty bad. I am to a degree, whatever state I happen to be in – and it causes me to seem chaotic, counterproductive, easily distracted and inconsistent so relying on me could potentially disappoint and confuse people who think they understood who I was before. I am always vulnerable at all times to whoever wants to take advantage of me for this reason as well. I am embarrassed and insecure when I am down, and when I am up I become easily flattered and obsessive and both manipulative and manipulated. I make decisions based on curiosity and don't think of the outcomes. I see myself as a chaotic and potentially damaging person who at times must be quarantined. So for this reason, I go between intense feelings of not trusting myself to be around others and not trusting other people to being around me, and then deeply wanting comfort and support and to be extremely intimate with other people and smothered – but then I resent that too because I want to feel independent and free, so there is no winning. I have to invent walls to make people not want to be around me, because I fear they will think I am crazy if they knew me. And what I need one day I do not need the next. I honestly feel guilty whenever I want to be closer to people.

The benefit is that I feel like I can reexperience childlike delight in living to some extent the way a lot of people around me cannot. I will always eventually be rewarded with a certain wave of euphoria and a heightened sense of being that always seems worth the sadness I previously experienced. I become very creative. I have a vision of what it is that I want and who I am. The fog clears. It's intense and real. I can take charge of things that were difficult before. It ends too soon, but in those times I feel very alive. I guess I wouldn't want to stabilize because this is the only way I know how to get things done. And in my middle points, I know what it feels like to be both up and down. With this perspective, I can grasp a lot of concepts. I can understand say, something entirely unrelated to myself, World War 1 for instance. I can look at it from multiple vantage points, and I can do so through the guise of knowing and seeing through the lenses and memories of my own angled vision. Which sounds really strange, but it has helped me write good papers so I think I am onto something.

Call it a mood disorder, or the change of the seasons, but I was beginning to emerge from the spell I was under, damaged permanently, but I walked out alive just the same. I had accepted that there was no going back to the old life. Whatever fate had dished out, it hadn't been what I had expected it to be. But through those difficult months (which I wasn't entirely over yet), I had found a sort of strength and knowledge of myself, and the longer I went on surviving, the more I came to trust my own instincts, to follow my intuition, and to be my own person. I didn't want to wait for things to happen to me. My entire life had been one long ugly wait for one thing and then the next. I wanted to make things happen for myself.

It was probably rather strange, likely influenced by The Dresden Dolls or Klaus Nomi, but I sometimes would go into the bathroom and paint my face up like a clown – not the typical clown one hires to do gimmicky stuff and laugh creepily at birthday parties, that isn't the type of clown I was. I was a perriot clown, something artistic and strangely pretty and ornamental and frightening. I felt internally like a shattered doll, something broken and upsetting and perfect in it's brokenness. Maybe to others I was just a minimum wage slave, maybe Sarah and Zack were too dull to fully recognize who I was internally in the ballroom theater of my inner life. And I was more than that. I could do whatever I wanted. I could be a painter, a musician, a performer, a writer. No doubt David thought of me as somehow a foul terrible person – and perhaps he had a point. Maybe I had just broken to the point where I didn't care anymore. In any case, I was happier and had more of a vision seeing myself through the lenses of my own imagination. I was more productive in how lived. I felt the preciousness of life in each breath I took. And really, I didn't perform most of the time or behave in any way that might seem as wild and as vivid as the self image I had of myself laid away in my mind, but it was there, and the outer world and my place in it was somewhat of a mask.

I let go of some assumed expectation, and instead I chose to be myself. Whatever was meant to be would be – my natural identity was my destiny and I was going to live so strongly as me that there could be no mistake or imperfection or forlorn sense of loss. I would attack my goals, not with a sense of duty, but with a passion for my visions and my feelings. I wasn't going to worry anymore about offending others. I think this was my way of breaking free from the identity that I had thought was me for so long, the corner I had been painted into socially by friends and family who either meant me well or didn't but had never fully understood me. I was becoming the girl my father had tried to terrorize me into hiding – and now she was coming out and taking power over the game. She was now me  - I didn't have to lock her up in a box anymore or check with Sarah to see if it was okay to be myself anymore. I wasn't ashamed to feel feminine or excitable or pretty anymore.

I threw away most of my jeans and t shirts that weren't for work, and I instead decided from there on then that I would always look my best – I would paint my eyes and my lips, and chose to wear dresses always. Wearing dresses had always been taboo for me. I had never felt confident with my own femininity or pretty enough to wear them. I wasn't allowed to wear them in school – mostly due to the kind of pressure that I would have come up against and the fact that I was afraid to feel helpless and gross somehow. At home my father had this unspoken assessment that wearing dresses was a sexual act. He hadn't shamed me, but given how he always sited studies that said that men were more attracted to women who wore dresses over jeans I had this feeling he would have been threatened by the idea that I was going to bring men home if I wore dresses. There was stigma to dresses – being dolled up was a weapon. It implied I was both a weak girly fool, and a lecherous whore – but somehow it meant that I was brave in a way that I hadn't been raised to be. And I hadn't had any female influence in my life to make the transition easier. I didn't know what to wear, or how to wear it. So wearing dresses was part of my truer self. It was empowering, and it was the way I was going to live my life from here on out.

I ended up getting an ear infection the first week that I worked in the dish pit. I had to wear a plain black baseball style cap and it covered my ears and between the sweat of working hard and the steam that rolled out of the dish machine, my ears became moist inside and I ended up with swimmer's ear. In a way, this ear infection was my new becoming – just like the one I had had at seventeen had been a becoming of sorts. I came out of the intense mind numbing feverish pain transformed and humbled. I managed this ear infection however, somehow I miraculously didn't have to take any days off of work. I went to the hospital, and they billed me three-hundred dollars to see a doctor for five minutes and get a very tiny bottle of ear infection medicine that did very little. I still have not paid the bill. When I ran out the infection came back. I didn't want to have to pay thousands of dollars because of the ear infection and I didn't want to go back to the doctors, so I instead looked up natural remedies to swimmer's ear online, and I discovered that the bacteria responsible could not live in certain pH conditions. Vinegar would kill anything growing in my ear, so I began to pour vinegar in my ear and almost immediately the ear infection cleared up. For a few weeks though, I smelled like apple cider vinegar. And my inner ear stung a bit from the acidity of the vinegar.

My mother was laying in her strange place one day as I was preparing to go to work, and she began asking me what was wrong with Sarah. Why was Sarah wasting her youth on some ugly mugged idiot who was clearly using her for her money. It was hard to picture Sarah as the fool she was clearly being. It was painful to watch Sarah so transparently give up so much of her individuality and things about her that made her so great to this horrible person who didn't even recognize or appreciate her. I shrugged and told my mother to ask Sarah about it – because honestly, I had lost the plot and I questioned my own ability to see through the reeds.

So then Sarah came out of her bedroom, and my mom told her to come to the bed and sit down to have a chat. My mom, quite confusingly, and much to her credit was the only adult that actually sat down and tried to talk to Sarah about where she was going with her life throughout this entire ordeal. My father had for some reason wanted to bring her down in some fashion, and Sarah's own mom was more or less left in the dark. I feel like Carol understood more than she let on, but the idea of her precious daughter running around with the likes of Zack wasn't something she personally felt she could face. Carol could be strong in some circumstances, a very industrious and straight forward person. But she could also be incredibly avoidant about personal issues that mattered, particularly where Sarah was concerned. She was afraid to admit to herself that Sarah was messing up, and she was afraid to tell Sarah what to do. She was secretly worried I am sure.

My mother explained it well. She didn't come from a position of loathing Sarah for hurting me, she didn't react defensively or rudely or come at it from an angle of trying to put Sarah down. She asked Sarah what on earth was going on with her. Was she okay? Could she not see that Zack was a terrible boyfriend? She asked her details about Zack. Sarah did her best to answer, and did her best to make excuses – but it sounded weak to her as soon as she made those excuses. Her voice faltered. My mom tried to explain to Sarah that she had also had boyfriends who were bad for her in her own life, men she had wasted absurd amounts of time on, who used her for her money (remember James), and wouldn't work. And in my mother's experience as a bartender for low end bars in town, she had seen men like Zack and they were always terrible and the women who ran after them thinking they would be the one to change them always came out of the situation short handed and oftentimes bitter about it. And my mom wanted to see Sarah with someone who would at least do his part financially. She wanted Sarah to thrive. She was too beautiful to be wasting herself on this gross selfish creep who didn't even change his clothes. Sarah didn't need to be with a junkie or a methhead. She deserved better,

In a way, it was sort of therapeutic for me to be in the room witnessing this conversation. I just sat at the computer desk and listened. It was stuff that I should have had the clarity to say, but it wouldn't have worked if I talked to Sarah at this point. For one, the whole thing was way to personal to me, as it had been a huge part of my recently discarded life. I couldn't be the friend that Sarah needed because it would seem selfish – either due to the fact that I desperately wanted Sarah's friendship again and Zack was hindering that, or I wanted revenge or some kind of personal sense that I had to break the two of them up – and in any case the situation of me talking about my feelings at all was touchy. I was just a touchy person these days and my emotions were wild and sometimes seemed disproportionate to the problems at hand – at least they seemed that way to everyone on the outside. I was not a reliable witness. Secondly, by following Sarah and Zack around and trying to love them both – I had been endorsing their relationship – my stamp of approval had already been put on it and the ink had dried. I didn't support them anymore, didn't find them interesting either, but it was too late for me to be taking back my endorsement. It was sad to say this, but regardless of either one of us had done to whom, in the end I couldn't' be the friend that Sarah needed and she couldn't be the friend I needed. So for my mom to step in and tell Sarah that she wasn't being evil, that she wasn't so special that she could cure addiction, that her relationship wasn't magical, and that Sarah was allowed to acknowledge she made a mistake – it was helpful.

In the end, Sarah deflected most of what my mother told her, and just repeated that she believed in Zack and loved him. My mom told Sarah it wasn't love at some point, and Sarah didn't agree. To an extent it was easy to pull apart my mother's life and see that despite how right she was in Sarah's given situation, my mom probably didn't know what love was either. She was spending her days talking to Asian men and pretending she was going to fly out there to live as a sexy mother Theresa once she dropped some pounds and started saving her money, paid off her debt and got a passport to whatever current country she was planning on going to which had not yet happened and didn't seem like it really would. All the same, the conversation aged well, and it is remembered as a noble effort on my mother's part to do the right thing in this given circumstance.

On the 4th of July Zany's closed for the holiday, but it was a day where some of the kitchen workers were paid to come in early anyway to pull out kitchen equipment and clean behind things that rarely ever got cleaned. I was scheduled to come in that day – thought truth be told there wasn't a lot I could do to help the guys. I didn't mind working. Anymore, while I was at work I had a purpose and I didn't feel sad or uncertain. It was always kind of a pain to my self esteem to be around people who were uncomfortable with me or tired of hearing me talk. I liked getting out of the house. One of the few things Nicholas told me to do was something involving a vent and a pipe and I had absolutely no idea what he meant. He didn't want to teach me, and seemed annoyed that I didn't know what to do. If I had asked him to instruct me he would have gotten proud and annoyed at me for it, so I just went into the dish pit and looked at the area I was supposed to do something with and waited for a nice person to come in and help me. I think it was a matter of fixing something. It involved tools I had never been shown.

Nicholas was the kitchen manager, but the real leader of the group was this guy named Levi. He generally worked in the deli area of the kitchen. He was in his mid to late twenties. He could he commanding and cold when it was necessary, but he was also very moralizing and fun. Everyone liked him. I liked him. He brought the best out of everyone around him. He knew when people were struggling and unlike the other fools, he often times tried to help people rather than put them down. He was the best worker in the whole restaurant for this reason. He was married to one of the waitress supervisors named Dani who worked at Zany's as well. She was very genuine and nice. They had a daughter together, and had been married for two years. Standing in the dish pit I felt vulnerable and fearful that Nicholas would catch me not completing this mysterious task that he had ordered me to do and insisted that I should already know how to fix. Levi came in and smiled at me. I asked him timidly and quite awkwardly if he would help me. He looked at what I was talking about, and he laughed. He said he would come back and help me. He couldn't believe Nicholas expected me to fix this thing myself.

So in a few minutes he came in and him and a few of the other guys set about laughing and joking around and showing me what I needed to do. I stood there helplessly watching as carefully as I could so that I never found myself in the uncomfortable predicament again. Nicholas came in the room as they were finishing the job, and he looked at me fiercely and demanded that I be the one who fixed the pipe. He demanded that I couldn't be getting the other people in the restaurant to do my job. Levi seemed to have this weird natural way about him. He amiably told Nick that I didn't know how to do what he had asked, and in any case it would have been an even worse disaster had I tried to do it myself. He basically shielded me from Nick, who carried on to order someone else to do something in an attempt to maintain an ere of control.

Levi smiled down at me, and in that moment I got this strange lump in my throat and butterflies in my chest and I looked down and blushed. I realized that I was having an idiot girl moment like in a bad movie. I couldn't believe this! I thought Levi was cute in like, the most basic primitive stupid way that I pretty much had counted myself as too good for years ago, and it was embarrassing for me. He had done the basic man thing and helped me do something I didn't know how to do myself, and now he had just 'protected me from danger'. He wasn't poetic – he hadn't displayed any of the refinements of a sophisticated and complex. This isn't to say that Levi was dumb – he wasn't dumb at all. But he wasn't structured like that. In no way shape or form did he seem like a match for me, nor did I truly think I was in love with him in that moment or have any ideas of this going anywhere. Which made me feel even more foolish. How confusing!

He hadn't done anything particularly special other than be the generally benevolent leader that he always was – but I had just melted like butter on account of it. He had this caring kindness in his eyes, and an attractive face. I really liked his round face and his dark complexion (he was of Native American decent). And he was always very humorous and in control and brave and self sacrificing. He was so well balanced.  And when someone pissed him off, he confronted with them about it fairly. And he got stuff done. He was essentially all the things that Zack wasn't.

But dear lord did I feel silly. Because I was crushing on this guy I had nothing in common with. And I was attracted to him in this corny conventional way and I couldn't control myself– the way of the way basic as hell teen movies presented girly crushes, and I was supposed to be above this! It had always seemed foolish and dumb, taking into account all the romantic characteristics I had gotten from books, and all my high expectations. And here I was admiring this guy's shoulders and feeling weak in the knees because he was 'manly' and soft at the same time. Furthermore and most importantly, he was married! Very Married. I knew his wife. She was a really sweet lady. There was absolutely no place for me in this scenario that seemed wholesome in any way, or realistic. There was absolutely nothing to pursue. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. Pursuit was the only thing I really knew how to do in these situations. Quietly perhaps, but I wasn't able to just let it be. But I couldn't do anything, so instead I just internally combusted whenever Levi said hi to me or smiled at me.

From then on, I was always excited to go to work if Levi was there. I would eventually get comfortable enough to joke around with the rest of the kitchen but when Levi said anything to me I sort of stiffened up. If I let myself be comfortable around him, then it would all come tumbling out somehow and my awkward secret would be spilled out for all to see all over the dish pit floor. Because I didn't have those boundaries like other people did. If I got comfortable then my body language and my eyes would betray me and I would be revealed as the true creep that I was. So my only recourse was to create physical boundaries by not letting myself get too comfortable. It wasn't hard because whenever he was in my presence I stopped thinking clearly. And it confused Levi because he really liked me in this totally innocent way and he interpreted my reaction to him as fear – which in a sense he was right, but for the wrong reasons. He told me himself several times that he thought I was one of the best workers in the kitchen, and that I seemed like I really bright, sensitive and intelligent girl. He didn't mean it as a form of hitting on me or some ulterior motive flattery. But I melted a little bit when he talked to me.

I felt really bad about it, but there was something kind of addictive about the guilt so when I attempted to shame myself into not thinking about it, I thought about it even more. I felt like some kind of Golemlike creature that was staring into Levi and Dani's living room window jealously on a dark serene Christmas night, wishing that I could be included in the family somehow with some kind of absurd Phantom of the Opera like madness of swooping in and stealing Levi and making him weird like me so he could live in the sewers and be my husband instead of Dani's. Perhaps I am exaggerating a little when I say it like this. But I often wondered what it was that attracted me to Levi, and when I thought about it long and hard I started to feel enormously sad. I think it was because Levi seemed very stable and kind. He was very assertive in a way that I didn't know how how to be, and very warm and huggable in a way I didn't feel like I was. And I had never had anything that was very stable or kind in my life. Most men I knew were mean and unpredictable and likely violent. In the end, I had to watch my back, and be careful not to bruise their tender egos else they would make me pay for it. I had grown up second nature with a mistrust that men had honest intentions and when I was around men I felt a little bit gun shy. And Levi was so fucking nice.

I had started to go through the process of befriending my own brokenness. I don't think my self esteem was the greatest, but I didn't process self hatred when I looked at myself in the mirror anymore. It was counterproductive to feel self pity or spend too much time thinking about what I didn't have. I looked at myself as a project of sorts – and in that sense I wasn't afraid to snip and break any part of me that could not fulfill my own goals, but I wasn't in the game to beat myself up anymore – at least not in the societal sense. I had come to terms with myself and my body and how life would be – so long as I kept moving forward and matching my own expectations. But I would never have what Levi had. Whatever it was that Levi embodied, it reminded me of a time in my early childhood where I had been acquainted with a simple sense of goodness, like the way a batch of cookies smell good in the oven. There wasn't much to think about or sort out. It was just delightful and good. I wanted life to be simple and good again. It wasn't the worst life. I had built this palace of ideas and exhilaration and sorrow. I wouldn't have given it up for anyone. But I was also tired and weary and Levi's limited presence in my life offered something that appealed to my childlike need to find something that felt like home.

There was a wall between me and the Levi's world though – and it wasn't something that was going to be broken down. I knew my place and even liked my place. I was made for more. I wasn't in the game to play house with someone. And in that sense I was kind of a Golem staring into the window as Levi and Dani watched their daughter open Christmas presence, unbeknownst to them that I was spying into their lives like a loathsome curious worm. I felt sort of like a creep being so attracted to Levi. I felt badly whenever Dani was nice to me. I felt like I was disrespecting her in some fundamental fashion by coveting her husband. She also liked me and thought I was bright and honest. I think she was mostly going by what Levi said about me, but it was enough to make me feel guilty.

And of course there was this disturbing part of me that entertained how I could edge in to Levi's life. I remember having this dream where I went into work, and everyone was gone in the whole building. I went into the back of the restaurant and looked down the line and there was Levi – he was the only one there, and the walls and the floor seemed to shake and yet everything was painfully and grossly clear. He didn't know I was there somehow, but the intensity of it being just him and I in the restaurant gave me this weird sense that my mind was boring into his life in ways I knew better than to do. Upon waking, I had this notion about how I could probably make myself seem cooler and more fun and personable to Levi than Dani. It would take years of rehearsing and focusing. It wouldn't break them up, but if I spent six insane years trying to break them up I could probably manage to make Levi very unhappy and confused. And I would have made some kind of weird mark on him and there was something satisfying in knowing that I could alter or change him – separate him from his family and his old life – give him some abstract thing to chase after rather than the comfort of family and the next meal.

And waking up with that feeling, I was covered in sweat and I felt guilty and sick and my skin hurt. This is sort of what I mean when I talked about having a bad side to me now. Because before Zack and Sarah, I never would have considered this. I would have calmly accepted Levi was with Dani and it never would have crossed my mind to manipulate that situation in my favor. Of course, I didn't manipulate anyone, and I never would. I would never ever make another woman feel terrible about herself or insecure in her relationship if I could ever possibly help it, even if some sick part of me felt compelled to do so. But having thought about it, and having had the kinds of dreams that lead me down this psychological journey, I felt like I had already done it, or at least laid down the psychological groundwork, and in that sense I had already done a very bad thing regardless of Levi or Dani could recognize it.

Later that 4th of July night, I begrudgingly went with Sarah and Zack to sit on the Lewiston hillside and watch the fireworks go across the town and decorate the sky and the reflect in the Snake and Clearwater River. I could see all the little lights of the town, I could see the light that was where my mother lived, I could see many of the places where my mom had moved us all, I could see the businesses I had known since I was very little. I could see Zany's and the area where Levi lived, the factory, the places I had attempted to apply to work at. It all seemed so small, and when I looked at the town from below, it made me want to choke. I felt this sick crazy feeling that it wasn't enough and I needed to get far away. And beyond the town, I could see the endless miles of empty eastern Washington desert that stretched out for hundreds of miles before finally turning into the Cascade Mountains – so far from the cities and places where things happened and I could find people who might understand me. This was the world I had always known. And it wasn't enough. It looked small. It gave me this perspective of how small I was in this ugly little town. Someone like Levi could flourish and do well here. But for me, I needed something more. I longed for something I would never find in this little crevasse of the world.

PART 98 - https://tinyurl.com/y7pjvn95

PART 97 - https://tinyurl.com/ybvlfusf

PART 96 - https://tinyurl.com/y8cm6pdy

PART 95 - https://tinyurl.com/ybxq2o5j

PART 94 - https://tinyurl.com/y8k7mwq4

PART 93 - https://tinyurl.com/yc8mae7e

PART 92 - https://tinyurl.com/yb7bwsuw

PART 91 - https://tinyurl.com/yar8e8rp

My Life Story in Chapters, PARTS 1-90 (this link below will lead you to a list of all the chapters i have written thus far).

http://aleatoryalarmalligator.tumblr.com/post/168782771574/life-story-sections-1-90

[calcdad]

What Happened™ with Artpop

Right so i’m not editing this i’m just going for it but try to follow along and if it’s a bit scrambled like do let me know but otherwise here we go

So like before I get started, it really should be known that this isn’t a conspiracy theory and the illumanati is super stupid and not real and not about this shit at all but really what this comes down to is a difference between an artist and a management team, but the way in which management ran things is very indicative of how sociological phenomena come into play when making such business decisions and it’s really interesting 

also a lot of this will be copied and pasted from my friend whom i elaborated on this with and slightly modified but i’m assuming if you’re reading this you don’t need much context for how much mystique shrouds the artpop era as well as the blackout era, which is a very necessary era to examine so that we can use tools from that to look further into artpop 

For like the last 18ish hours i kind of got back into gaga demos for whatever reason and found myself on youtube with all of those artpop conspiracy theories and “demos” and like eighteen different versions of partynauseous, the unwatermarked version of red flame (which i have and it’s like okay at best), and 70 pages deep into google later this is what i’ve really gathered 

Artpop’s failure was a flop because of sabotage by her management which she didn’t know about, and the purpose of the sabotage served to mark her as  martyr for pop music so that she could enjoy more long run consistent success like britney and not burn out so fast like katy 

Before going into artpop, look to Britney Spears, her elusive original doll era before her breakdown, and her life as a whole

In like late 2004-2005-2006, after she broke her knee and right before her breakdown, she was preparing for the release of an album called original doll. she even went to a Kiss FM interview and played the demo of the lead single, mona lisa, though i don’t know if she had permission to do this and people who are reasonable and not conspiracy theorists will tell you she didn't have permission and that's why the whole album was scrapped, but in 2004 she was one of the most powerful celebrities on the planet you know like that doesn’t really just happen to people with that power(?) anyways like keep in mind there’s no secret plot to kill these girls or anything, it’s literally all just about business

the album was talked about in i think a handful of interviews, was recorded, registered, etc, and just suddenly scrapped entirely, no warning. Like put on a “don’t ask about this” list, never spoken of again except for when it was remastered and put on the extended version of the singles collection in 2009, though there were edits to the lyrics etc that refined it from the song it was, which conspiracy theorists largely attribute as a foreshadowing of her fall, into something that makes it seem less ominous and more like “i’m the only one of myself”.

then look to her famous breakdown, note how blackout originally had a bunch of jazz tracks recorded for it (like let go, baby boy) and like it really isn’t crazy or wild for albums to shift direction dramatically like that indicates no conspiracy theory whatsoever. If anything it’s really just indicative of the fact that she was going through it and artistically she was trying to express her emotions but because she was going through it she couldn’t really like...do it with precision and stuff because she was all over the place and like this makes sense because she’s checked into rehab for amphetamine problems before, abuse of which can be required by pressing management to keep constant energy but also cause psychosis-like side effects which closely resemble her behaviour in 2007 but also like she’s recently confirmed that she has bipolar disorder and was likely not getting the treatment she needed! like, that’s normal, there’s no illuminati involved 

an important factor to point out is that Britney Spears has been a star all her life, and when she was signed on to be the songstress of baby one more time, she forever changed the boundaries that hollywood would have with women, and she was just the puppet for the idea. like, britney spears was 17-18-19 and on top of the world, SO sexualized when she was 17, and i’m sure to her she didn’t care because money and fame is promising at that age you know? but like the moment she was nearly nude on magazine covers when she was 17 and 18, it really gave photographers and directors the okay to gradually make younger and younger girls sexualized and poor britney is just out there living her career (which she may or may not have even really wanted as several interviews indicate)

But look further! She was harassed in interviews SO many times during her relationship with justin timberlake about her sexuality and she was a teenager! a young girl! Several industries, though it was clearly not their foremost goal, used the product of Britney Spears as a virgin to be deflowered before the world for our entertainment. What comes after she’s used up? that doesn’t really matter as long as she’s making the money at the moment

In looking at this, you really have to keep in mind that like...Britney Spears and Lady Gaga and Madonna and all entertainers are abstract entities of a sort. I’m listening to artpop as I write this right now, and those vocals on the track are stefani germanotta’s yeah, but like, Britney and Stefani are people off stage and when they’re out of the public eye. When you’re in nothing but the public eye for your entire life the way britney was, it’s not surprising to find that she might struggle with an identity crisis and wonder who she is at some point when she isn’t Britney Spears the performer. she isn’t stupid either, and i’m sure her current day activity is indicative that she’s reflected on who she was when she was younger and ignorant and she doesn’t want any part of that kind of a person anymore. Imagine living 25 years thinking you know who you are and then you realize that one day, who you’ve always been which is the person you are on stage, will some day step off the stage for good. you have to wonder a bit what is left with your life you know?

A N Y W A Y S britney had a great comeback from a legitimate personal struggle and like, she’s the comeback queen of our generation, but furthermore, her and her camp are guaranteed financial security from her product for at least another ten or so years. America loves a good comeback. We don’t love it enough to give her a #1, but she’ll scrape top 40 for the next ten years, and you know the clubs will never stop paying homage to her old music and poor remixes of her new stuff which isn’t even bad but is so clearly departed from the woman who went through the breakdown that it’s almost a new product entirely  

Set the stage to artpop: this was said to me by a friend of mine who cares about lady gaga much more than I do, and like, it doesn’t even seem that farfetched so i’m gonna copy and paste it here- "What happened was that her management team was pushing her to keep going after her hip surgery so she started self medicating in heavy doses of opiates and then her team saw the danger coming and saw the potential for lost money so they dropped her and left her addicted to opiates, a half healed hip, fibromyalgia and ptsd"

I mean, this sounds a lot like britney and her amphetamines to keep up energy for her workload right? But like, looking further, Lady Gaga had amassed a LOT of fame and power in SUCH a short time. This is a highly unstable structure in any discipline, be it economics, chemistry, psychology, or jenga. She was under a lot of pressure to keep surpassing the bar that she herself had raised so high, her hip being broken was awful, but also i know she’s intelligent enough to understand the sociological cycle of celebrities. 

There’s only one celebrity who comes to mind who can really handle being a public personality for an extended period of time the way these girls have to be, and that is Madonna. And like, that’s really why she’s around. She’s been at least 100 distinctly different people over her career because she draws a very clear, hard line between who she is as a performer and an icon and who she is as a person, and it is remarkable that she’s kept these two entities separate for so long. Her life is not always madonna the entertainer. She very much goes home, “clocks out” of being madonna, and goes back to a relatively normal life. She’s an entertainer as a job, and some of these girls become privy to the mindset of being the entertainer who they are, which can have sever psychological consequences.

Further, to again clarify the identity crisis that these people like, reasonably go through, is like “subliminal lyrics”. Like, i do think they put words in their songs sometimes, not because "it's the only way they can speak", but because they're so fucked that they really think it is the only way they can say something you know? Like these girls aren’t literally going to be murdered for speaking, but we have NO idea what is in their contracts and what they can and cannot say, especially in the stage of being massively popular but relatively new. They won’t die, but the legal or financial implications of fulfilling a certain image or product that the company wants to produce could be extremely severe that they could realistically never recover. This is nothing new, either. hollywood has always been like this and there is no reason to think that these girls couldn’t have gone through a similar position.

Do I think artpop would have done better if she hadn’t paraded around promoting it as god come to earth in an album? absolutely. It’s a phenomenal club album, it’s a glorious acid trip of a dance album, and she really should have just called it that. I do think that Artpop Act II was legitimately planned and she had such high hopes for all of this, but so much is also out of her control.

Personally, I haven’t really spoken to anyone who personally thinks artpop is as bad of an album as everyone said it was. Literally, not one person i’ve discussed this with thinks it was a bad album at all. Gaga herself seemed so...shocked that it did so poorly. I was shocked that it was received so poorly. Mainstream media ruined her over it, yet it debuted at #1 and was the 9th best selling album of the year despite coming out on November 6th.

So like, what I think happened is that her management strategized sociologically. They looked at Britney’s breakdown. Britney isn’t dominating top 10, but she doesn’t need to; she’ll always be relevant and rakes in 50 mil for an easy residency. Gaga had too much too fast, and the public is waiting to claw someone so perfect down whenever they can. Gaga could claim a couple more #1s and burn out like a shooting star, or she can tumble, come back, and plateau at 3rd or 4th consistently as opposed to 1st temporarily and 10th in the end. So like, i think that her management definitely paid for some of the reviews about artpop to be bad in order to get the ball rolling on such gamble. But I don’t think Gaga knew. Like, she split with her team during that era, so if they were going to leave her, they have no reason to tell her but also they could still profit and the gamble wasn’t with their own lives that they were playing with. 

the gamble of a comeback isn’t even a new strategy. Like, britney’s was organic, and gaga’s response was organic, but there have been staged comebacks.  Madonna’s initial stumble with erotica and her evita comeback were legitimate ones, but further comebacks with Ray of Light and Confessions were absolutely and meticulously calculated by a brilliant business woman who made waves and rode them like a surfboard to the top. What sold Artpop is Gaga’s dedication. She really believed it was a good album and was astonished when she appeared to be so wrong about how much the public would like it. And that drove her to work hard and readjust her craft.

And like, I do think that she’s looking back and realizing how ahead of its time artpop was. Look at that record as a business investment not so much immediately, but for the future. SO many songs we’re hearing today are reminiscent of the insane EDM that we heard on Artpop. Aside from the slight dip into hip hop and r&b brought about mostly by beyonce and adele’s respective presences, as well as the faux trend of country pop which is dying as quick as it came, Artpop is what is on the radio today. Mark my words and just like, watch HOW many think pieces will be written in the next five years hailing artpop as ahead of its time. Artpop laid the foundations for all of these DJs to make their mark on mainstream music, and consider what DJ White Shadow posted about artpop’s little sister. It’s a reflection artpop was never bad, and now is a better time moreso than ever to venture back into that kind of music. When music historians look back on music trends, i do believe Artpop will probably be one of the most, if not the most, important album in Gaga’s catalogue because it came out four years before all of this music and predicts the exact structure and flow of what is popular, yet at the time was deemed unlistenable, which, again, i do believe was paid for by someone in order to set up for something like this long-term business investment i’ve been describing.

What’s really funny to me about all of this, is that like, comebacks do not always work. Look at Witness. I’m sure that Katy will try to spin this as her blackout or her artpop but like, it won’t work for several sociological factors discussed above. First, katy took her place as first for a fast five years and i’m sure she’s burned out by now. People really are like...over her. Second, Witness won’t define, shape, or influence anything, as it’s all really current music specific to that period of time in 2016-2017. Third, the “breakdown” associated with witness isn’t authentic. Like, it could have been predicted a mile away from that comment she made at the grammys. The subsequent hair cutting and witness world wide and all of that stuff were management’s grasps at achieving the authenticity that britney and gaga had, and like gaga didn’t even really have a breakdown. The only breakdown that Katy is going through is like, realizing that she doesn’t really bring anything revolutionary to the table nor has she ever, even though she has records. She really was a vessel for producers and a record label to rake in the cash while she got to play famous for a bit, but she’s never stood for anything or really contributed artistically, and she wont’ be able to dig deep and “find something” worth redeeming. She has been manufactured from the start, but the tragedy of her is that you can tell that she really thought she was different and ahead of the game. The struggle for her will be for her to realize that she’s nothing that her team told her she was for ten years, and she’s gonna have to deal with that alone and it’s going to be really really hard you know? There’s nothing redeemable about katy perry. Gaga will be seen as an innovator, truly the top of the influx of pop girls in the second half of the 2000s all vying for britney’s place. Gaga will be remembered as the one with the insight, the foresight ten years in advance, and not some one off like fergie or gwen stefani. Katy did a little better in the beginning, but ultimately slow and steady wins the race. And witness was a gamble that producers lost on.

This was super condensed because I couldn’t get my ideas in order the way that I wanted them to be, but like TLDR: Artpop was a gamble by management in order to place gaga as a martyr who can bring longtime success and she’ll be remembered for being so insightful with her musical intuition and what she was doing in 2013 and the illuminati isn’t real but small businesses do shady shit with contracts all the time so is it really so unrealistic as to believe that they took a gamble on artpop when the cards where in their favour to do so with all of her potential energy from being on such a high pedestal? it really isn’t because like it worked sis lmao and that’s just how business works! 

[its-a-queer-thing]

What do u think about Fiona? I don’t really see why ppl hate Fiona? I mean she’s done some stupid shit but all of the Gallagher’s have and she had to sacrifice everything to care for her siblings?? She’s done some selfish things but honestly I feel like she deserves it bc she’s put her siblings before her pretty much all the time.

Fiona is a tough one for me…

I loved her until the back half of season 5. Fiona gets a lot of hate for season 4 and while I get it, I personally don’t agree with it. I’ve actually tried to defend the whole situation with the coke several times but most people say they don’t feel any sympathy for her; but for some reason I still do. She made a TON of mistakes in season 4 that were frustrating, but I feel people forget just how young she is and that she never got to get much of her crazy out because her crazy (while certainly more wild than anything I’ve ever done) was tame compared to what she is surrounded by or what her siblings were capable of doing. Then season 4 comes around and it seems like one thing turns into another and everything snowballs for her until suddenly she’s left coke out on the counter and her baby brother got into it and finally Fiona realizes that she needs to take better care of herself and needs to figure herself out; figure out why her life was capable of spiraling the way it did when she used to be so in control. And I’m all good with that, everyone needs to figure out ways to better themselves. The problem with that though is the way she handled trying to better herself, basically left her siblings out in the cold despite her adopting her siblings. The judge even reminded her that this responsibility would be until Liam reached the age of 18. And her behavior in season 5-7 indicates that she has completely forgotten or has decided to ignore that she legally asked for responsibility of these kids.

But here she is in season 5, completely neglecting her family at home, throwing the “guardian” card around when it suits her but not actually doing much to assert her position as guardian or doing anything to make sure her siblings are staying out of trouble because she’s gone all of the time! I mean, Carl turned into full-blown thug and Debbie got it into her head to trap a boy she liked with a baby and this is definitely in-part, if not completely, due to Fiona’s absence.  

Also, she has always been hateful towards the Milkovich family since the start of the series, but yet has no problem with Ian shacking up with a Milkovich despite the fact that he clearly has no idea what mental illness/bipolar disorder is? She has never felt positively towards the Milkoviches, never recognized the good either of them tried to do for their respective Gallaghers (Mandy encouraging Lip to go to college and even filling out the application that got him into school; Mickey bringing Ian home when no one else could, being a friend to him and getting him to lay off the drugs, etc.) but will allow Ian to move in with both Milkoviches and trust that they are actually going to keep an eye on him? That makes absolutely no sense and in this situation, Lip is no better. How are you going to hate on a group of people, but decide that while they aren’t good enough to hang around your family when they are dating your sibling, they are good enough to take care of your mentally ill sibling while you sort your own life out and act like you care from afar, conveniently butting in when things go to shit or after the dust has already settled?

Now fast forward to season 6 and Fiona is turning into mega-bitch. Granted they put a lot on Fiona that season, but Ian and Debbie definitely had a point when he called her out for being a bitch. Season 6 Fiona didn’t really do much to piss me off in particular, though her getting involved with Sean was annoying. Like, had she learned nothing from her experience with Gus?

Season 7 Fiona however, I have a HUGE problem with. As I already mentioned, Fiona agreed to be the guardian of these kids but now is saying “pay rent, or get the fuck out.” NOW, I understand that is her right, but she seems to forget that Debbie and Carl are still minors (15/16 and 14/15?). She can charge Lip and Ian whatever the fuck she wants because Ian has a full-time job and Lip isn’t in school and is an adult. But she was being completely unfair to Debbie and Carl. 

Yes, I agree Debbie needed to pay for the baby stuff herself and maybe even pay a small rent with the house if only to teach her financial responsibility with the baby. But how can Fiona expect Debbie to get a job while in high school and with a baby without offering any assistance or even ideas for where she can get assistance? Of course she’s going to turn to stealing or prostitution or scams! I just feel like Fiona set Debbie up for failure and while some people may not feel sympathy for Debbie, and I don’t, not really, I do feel concern for the child Fiona is effectively kicking out onto the streets if Debbie can’t cough up the cash. If Debbie can’t get a job or pay $300 bucks a month living at home how the fuck is Fiona expecting her to get a job and live on her own?! Then pretends to care when Franny is stolen by the paternal family which wouldn’t have happened if she’d at least tried to work something more reasonable out with Debbie in the first place. Fiona was 110% setting her up for failure. 

What I would have liked to see would be Fiona mentoring Debbie so that she learns a lesson about what she did, but also recognizing that the baby is here now and punishing the mother is punishing the child who is 200% innocent in this situation. I would have liked to see Fiona telling Debbie to get someone to watch Franny three nights a week so she can work, maybe Ian or Lip offering to watch her; you know, helping your siblings out like you’re ideally supposed to. But Fiona is basically punishing Debbie for having this baby despite her warnings and their fights, and I don’t think it’s right.

Then the whole “don’t call me, put me at the bottom of your emergency contact list” thing was bull. shit. 

She is their guardian. Period. For the adults, sure, ask that they call someone else if they have anyone else. But do NOT put YOUR responsibilities on another sibling who did not ask for these responsibilities so that you can get your life going when you AGREED to put your life on hold until the youngest was 18. There were so many different ways Fiona could have handled this and I was not a fan of how she handled it. I get trying to make a point to Lip that she can make something of herself despite her situation, because Lip needed to be put in his place for being the elitist prick he always claims to hate. But don’t then take that out on the rest of your family to make the point to one. And the rest of the season she had a disgusting “all for one”, “me for me” attitude. I’m proud of her for finding ways to make something of herself and for doing well, but why did she have to be such a bitch about it? Why did she have to push her other siblings (namely Debbie) to doing dangerous things to care for themselves when it is literally her JOB to care for these kids? She’s lucky that Carl had Luther to guide him in season 6 and 7 or else he probably would have gone back to the gang for money. She’s also lucky that Frank was there (oh dear God did I say that?) for Liam because she wasn’t there to find out that the school was closed! So Liam found Frank who was surprisingly there for him in a way he’s never been there for any of his other kids before.

She turned into a serious pragmatist in season 7 and it just honestly tainted her whole character for me. I really hope that turns around in season 8 because it does look like the whole family comes together for something, but I’m also seeing some spoilers to indicate otherwise, so we’ll see I guess.

Anyway, that is my very LONG explanation of my very complicated feelings on Fiona. Season 1-4/5 Fiona, I love. She is my baby. Season 5.5-7 Fiona? Can seriously rot.

Thanks for the ask, anon! :) 

P.S. I know it gets colorful and probably a little heated, but it’s towards the character and the events, not you!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #332

i’m even more tired than before to try and think up song lyrics, i’m pasting from Word and then fucking off to bed lmao.

What was the last video message you received on your phone? I think it was a clip of Doris (Sara's beardie) eating and just being her perfect self? Was your last birthday cake homemade or store bought? Store-bought. One thing you miss about middle school? Shit, nothing. Middle school was the worst. Do you have any shirts signed by famous people? No. Have you ever entered an art competition? Yes. Would you ever pierce yourself? No. I am very much about having a professional do your body mods/art. Plus, I have tremors in my hands. Do you live in a safe neighbourhood? Supposedly. We haven't lived here nearly long enough to know. What is the last thing you did that shocked someone? /shrug Do you often find yourself questioning your future? Only always. Have you ever been for a ride in the back of a truck? Yeah. Do you like your license photo? I hate my permit picture. Are you into superheroes? Who’s your favorite? Not very, but I like 'em enough. I always say my favorite is Deadpool, but I know he's technically an anti-hero, but whatever. If you don't include him, uhhhh... maybe Spiderman. Have you started watching any new TV shows recently? No. Have you ever been able pet a normally wild animal, like a tiger or dolphin? No. :( At least, not to my recollection. Have you ever eaten snow? Yeah. There's actually a winter treat 'round here that you make with snow and sugar called snow cream. Good stuff. What is the messiest area in your home? Right now, the spare room/my wanna-be "office." What’s your favorite computer game genre? Still horror, like video games. Do you have any exes your parents never liked? No. Have you received financial help from your parents in the past 5 years? I'm completely financially dependent on them still. Are you a fast or a slow eater? I eat like, stupid fast, but without being messy. People *cough*Mom*cough* will absolutely point it out, but I seriously can't help it. Making a conscious effort to eat slow feels way too weird. What was the last thing you purchased from a small local business? I don't know. Is there anyone in your family/household whom you frequently argue with? No. Have you ever used chewing tobacco? Ew, no. Tell me what's on your mind? I've been considering yet again reaching out to some tattoo parlors and asking if they're open to hiring someone to handle the front desk and take care of business besides actually performing piercing and tattooing, given my tremors. My group therapy has kinda been encouraging me to use the possibility for social exposure, and besides, I'm very comfortable in the environment and just general aura of tat parlors. I'm sure I'd have to answer the phone, handle money, and obviously talk to costumers, but I know and accept that. I've been at such a stagnant point with my social anxiety in particular that I have to start pushing back harder, and doing this I feel would be one of the most relaxed, social job positions I can hopefully handle. I don't dare to even try this though until I get vaccinated to protect my immunocompromised mom. Writing this all out has actually been pretty encouraging about this idea... Do you wish you never dated someone you dated? Yeah, Tyler. It was such a "I'm lonely and he was nice in high school, so we'll try it" situation. I got nothing from it. Are you scared of growing old alone? Pretty badly. What are you listening to right now? I'm listening to/semi-watching John Wolfe play the remaster of Resident Evil 2. What breed was the last dog you saw? He was a German shepherd. Would you ever go swimming during a thunderstorm? No. Any time a thunderstorm was brewing and I was in the pool, I'd always get out. What is the next concert you will attend? Mom and I plan to see Ozzy when/if he reschedules his tour after he had to cancel with his Parkinson's diagnosis. What was the name of the last pet of yours that died? Teddy. :/ What's the highest science class you have taken? I don't know, actually. What makes you squeal like a school girl? No shame, seeing Mark and Amy do something cute together actually does this, lmao. What’s your favorite symbol? (i.e. the pentagram, the cross, etc.) Do fictional ones count? Because in that case, the Halo of the Sun from the Silent Hill franchise. I'm getting it tattooed somewhere at some point, I'm thinking the left side of my neck. I'm either gonna fashion it in a way where it looks branded on or carved into me. Have you ever been on anti depressants? For all of my pre-teen, teen, and some of my adult life. Apparently, I've only had one truly educated psychiatrist out of no less than a dozen I'd seen, because he fixed me right up. He taught me that those who suffer from bipolarity should avoid anti-depressants; they ramp up your bipolar symptoms. Instead, mood stabilizers are favorable. And what do you know, after I was prescribed a stabilizer and a catalyst for that medication, my depression decreased dramatically and became handleable. Have you ever starved yourself? Kinda. What’s the stupidest name you’ve ever given a pet? I had a guinea pig named Harry Potter. For no particular reason lmao. I'm not even a Harry Potter fan. Do you have nice legs? God no. Do you like fedoras? Okay so I know I am in the strong minority, but I actually do, haha. What is your favorite food group? Carbs. @_@ Have you ever got told that you should be a model? No, but one of the most flattering indirect compliments I've ever gotten was being mistaken for one. Jason's phone wallpaper was one of my favorite pictures of myself with my first snake, and someone asked him if I was a model. ;v;' What song is in a language you don’t speak, but you love it anyway? "Donaukinder" by Rammstein is one of my faves. Who’s a villain you sympathize with and why? SOBS Darkiplier bc his origins are so damn tragic and unfair. What book do you think should be directed as a film? Was The Giver ever made into one? I don't remember that book well, but I do recall it being absolutely beautiful. Have you ever found a stranger’s note somewhere? If so, what did it say? No. Have you ever edited Wikipedia? No. Have you ever edited any other wiki? Yeah. I have thousands on the Silent Hill wiki, where I'm one of the admins. I'm also a content moderator at the Team Ico (Shadow of the Colossus devs) one. Every now and again I used to go on the meerkats wiki as well, where I mainly fixed the fucking nightmarish grammar. Very briefly, I edited at the Dragons of Atlantis wiki as well. Do you get scared when you know some virus or sickness is being passed? Not very, but of course I still acknowledge the risk and am more conscious of hand washing and stuff. What popular social media platforms AREN’T you on? Snapchat, I don't actually use my Twitter, I don't have a personal Instagram... There may be more, idk. Is TikTok a "social media platform?" Because I don't have that, either. What was the name of the first porcelien doll you got? Never had one, given I was afraid of dolls as a kid. What’s your favorite Paramore song? "Decode." Would you be happy with a life without romance? To be entirely honest, I'd feel like I was missing something. Was your childhood happy? Mostly. What fundamentally matters do you? Love, kindness, peace, all that gooey stuff. Is true world peace ever possible? As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think so. The human population is far too big to come to a unanimous agreement on anything. Do you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others? Yeah. Would you ever own a pet black widow spider? No. I'm getting more into the idea of owning invertebrates (I jabber enough about wanting tarantulas, and there are others, like mantises, I'm interested in as pets), but black widows, I'm not into the idea of having. Too venomous for me to be comfortable risking. If you have a job, what is the longest shift that you've worked? N/A Do you know all of the words to "Bohemian Rhapsody?" FUCK YES I DO. ^ Do you sing it with all of the different voices? sho nuff Do you own more than one copy of a certain book? No. Do you like interpreting poetry or just reading it for fun? Both. I love symbolism, so I get joy out of digging for subtle meanings in poems. Do you have a favorite Dr. Suess book? Yeah, it was always Green Eggs and Ham. Do you watch The Walking Dead? If so, favorite character? Not the show, but I've watched let's plays of the games, haha. In which case Clementine is inarguably one of the best female characters in a video game universe. Who has/had the most mature romantic relationship you’ve seen with your own eyes? Uhhh. I mean I never saw them much, but probably my late grandmother and her last husband. He was fucking incredible to her, and Grammy adored him as well. They helped each other so much and just obviously had the purest love between them. When was the last time you got something for free (legally)? What was it & have you enjoyed it so far? Lmao do balls in Pokemon GO count? Their occasional free boxes are the reason I can play the game because PokeStops are essentially non-existent here, so yes. What is the one fruit you can’t stand to eat? How about vegetable? The first one that came to me were oranges. I enjoy orange juice, but I just caaaaannot with the white veiny shit that you can't totally get off when peeling it. Without that, I might actually enjoy them, but idk. As for vegetable, asparagus is absolutely abhorrent. When’s the last time you actually recited the pledge? If you aren’t American, do/did you have anything similar in your country that you do during a time at school? Probably not since high school. Last person you shared food with? Ummm I have no idea. It's really just Mom and me here and we eat our own stuff. What was the last song you heard for the first time and enjoyed? I believe it waaas... "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson, maybe. If your life was a TV show, what would be the theme song? My inner high school emo just screamed "All Signs Point to Lauderdale" by AD2R. Who are some of your favorite female fictional characters, and why? Gahdamn, there's a lot. I don't feel like going through a mental list in my head and then describing why. A character (in anything) you wish hadn’t been killed off? Vol'jin; I think the entire WoW fanbase will forever be pissed about it. It was THE most "lul we dunno what 2 do w/ him anymore, let's let a totally random, unnamed, unimportant demon kill him" like what the fuck, Blizz. Most of his "oomph" was in the book, and I just really wish they'd done so much more with him in the game. Has anything “cute” happened in the past week? Off the top of me noggin, no. When did you last say “I love you”? Did you mean it? Yesterday to Sara. OF course I did. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times? Hi, PTSD, how are ya. Have you ever slept all day? Essentially. When I was on a larger dose of my anxiety med, I physically couldn't stay up for barely even five minutes, and when I'd lie back down, boom, I was OUT. I stayed on that dosage for I think just that one day, it was so bad. Can you have kids? Well, I have a functioning menstrual cycle, so I would assume so. Doesn't mean I will, though. What colors of mascara have you worn on your lashes? Only black. Do you like eating sour things? Hell yeah, I love sour stuff, candy in particular. Do you like pickles? fuuuuck yeah Did you ever have a really close friend move away? Yeah, in elementary school. I feel bad I can't remember her name at the moment... What's the most creative thing you've ever done? I mean, I guess the things I've written in RP. What's the most creative thing someone has done for you? For me? I don't really know. Do you like to watch ghost-hunting shows? Sure, they're some of my favorites. What’s something you’d like to be better at? Social interaction. Have you ever stayed up to talk to someone who was sad? Yeah. Do you think you would make a good parent? No. I know I wouldn't. The only time I ever wanted kids was with Jason, and honestly, I really hope I don't end up with a man because I never want to deal with that urge again and make a mistake. I'm just in no way emotionally fit to be a mother. How many best friends do you have? Just one. What do you cry over the most? My PTSD, honestly. I never sob about it anymore, just shed some tears. What language did/do you take in high school? Latin for one semester, then all four available for German. Which sports do you follow? None. Who was the last person you talked about marriage or having kids with? About marriage, Sara. Kids, the subject was lightly touched upon with Girt, though "with" was never a part of it, but obviously implied seeing as we were dating with long-term in mind. Have you ever been in a house fire? No, thankfully. Have you ever made out for one straight hour? them is rookie numbers Are you any good at remembering phone numbers? No. I literally don't even know my own, nor my mother's. I need to fix that. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? Girt. Do you have a bookshelf? If so, just one or how many? No. If I gave you twenty bucks what would you do with it? Save it to go towards Venus' terrarium. Is there a movie from your childhood that you still watch today? Well of course! I'm unashamed to watch any "kids" movie I enjoy, like Disney ones. Most "kids" movies tend to be better than those intended for adults, it seems... Are you afraid of mice? Oh no, I adore mice and I think had a pair as pets before I got rats. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? I can't really answer this; I haven't gone on nearly enough vacations to develop a theme. I can say confidently though it'd probably be something small. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? I don't enjoy musicals. Have you ever watched Doctor Who? One or two with Sara, yes. I know we at least watched the weeping angels episode. If you read, which book or series did you enjoy most as a child? Warriors by S.E. Hinton. Sometimes I wanna get back into them, but I am YEARS behind and more into Wings of Fire anyway, so. I don't read nearly enough for both. How do you get rid of your hiccups? Literally no trick seems to work for me. I just suffer lmao.

[naomitess]

Yuletide 2017

Dear Yuletide Author, Thank you so much for writing a story for me! Yuletide has become one of my very favorite parts of Christmas; I love that we come together to tell each other stories and celebrate creativity together. It’s pretty amazing.

Things I love, in general: witty dialogue. Fic that gets the voices right. Everyday moments that mean more than they seem to on the surface. Characters who initially hate each other but come to love, like, or reluctantly respect each other. Female friendships. I like crossovers and AUs. (The Yuletide FAQ suggests mentioning that.) 

Things I’m not wild about, in general: Female characters being catty for no reason other than “girls are just awful.“ Mpreg stories are also a really hard sell for me. (Not completely out of the question, just a hard sell.) Rape, torture, dismemberment are generally not what I’m looking for in a Yuletide story. 

Specifics for the fandoms (and all optional details are optional; as a Yuletide writer, I love getting fairly specific requests for prompts, but don’t feel like you have to stick with mine):

Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell

I loved Fangirl for all the reasons I love Yuletide, and my prompt for this one is, “Cath does Yuletide.��� Because you know she has wanted to do Yuletide since she was TWELVE, but was too much of a rule-follower to just set up a fake AO3 account and claim to be eighteen. (And then her freshman year of college she was so stressed and distracted she forgot to sign up -- but now it’s her sophomore year, and she’s doing it.) 

Cath can't write a Simon Snow story for Yuletide (because in her universe, her stories alone probably disqualify it!) so maybe she offers some favorite book from her childhood (feel free to use a real fandom, a made-up one, or a made-up surrogate for a real one) and then runs into ... problems. Maybe there were only three books when she stopped reading this series, and now there's 36. Maybe these books got visited by the Suck Fairy (The Suck Fairy: https://www.tor.com/2010/09/28/the-suck-fairy/ ) and now she can't un-see the racism/misogyny. Maybe the fandom, or the request, is forcing Cath to confront her unresolved issues with her mother, her worries about her sister, or her role as caregiver for her bipolar father. Maybe she offered fic about that one Folger's Commercial and doesn't realize until it's too late that she accidentally signed up to write incest fic. SO MANY POSSIBILITIES. I am not hung up on any of these specifics, but I would really love a story about Cath as a first-time Yuletide writer (and hey, what does she request? Does she love it?)

Alternate prompt: Levi gives Wren a ride. One of the things I love about Levi is that he is that person who will give you a ride no matter how wretched or inconvenient the circumstances. And Wren is Cath's sister, so she falls within the category of "people who would feel like they could ask for this favor" and "people Levi would move heaven and earth to help, if necessary."  Situation can be as dramatic or mundane as you want.

DNW: I really liked that Cath did NOT reconcile with her mother in Fangirl -- that she offered her mother an olive branch and her mother blew it. I’m not unilaterally opposed to a reconciliation story, but I don’t want cheap or easy reconciliation. 

Young Wizards by Diane Duane

Prompt: Kit & Nita vs. THE COMMON APP ESSAY.

College essays are already basically the worst, but the Common App essay manages to be be in the sweet spot for misery: it’s incredibly high stakes, the prompts are so open-ended as to be useless, it’s too short to tell a really good story, and it has this amazing way of making you feel like everything you’ve done is going to sound incredibly mundane and boring. And that’s when you’re not in the position of not being able to talk about the 46 times you’ve saved the world (or someone else’s world, or the universe). 

(Kit and/or Nita is actually fine; the story doesn’t have to include both if you’d prefer to write about just one. And feel free to include any other characters you want.)

But imagine trying to write an essay about your accomplishments when you can’t talk about any of your accomplishments directly -- you have to find a story you can tell that has no magic in it, or where all the magic can be handwaved away and reinterpreted. Time to crank out 650 words (or fewer, but not TOO MANY fewer) on “an obstacle you've encountered" or "an accomplishment that sparked a period of personal growth" or "topic you find so engaging you lose all track of time." When you've faced down angry aliens, how hard can one essay be, right?

Alternate prompt: Kit and/or Nita in college.

DNW: The resolution to be “oh, turns out there’s a wizard on their admissions committee!”

3. The Chalion saga by Lois McMaster Bujold

Things I love about the Chalion books: the theology; the characters; the intricate plotting. Things I love about Penric and Desdemona specifically: Desdemona's snarkiness; Penric's loving respect for Desdemona. I specified Penric and Desdemona but in fact just about any of the characters would be fine. I love all the interesting people Penric has met in these stories, including Nikys and Adelis, Ingliss kin Wolfcliff, all of them.

I would love a Penric & Desdemona adventure during Penric’s Rosehall days. We know that he didn’t have to spend a whole lot of time studying, thanks to the expert demon hanging out in his head, which probably left him a lot of time to find ways to occupy himself that his professors weren’t thrilled about. Did his expertise make him in demand explaining stuff to other students? Did he have friends? Did Desdemona talk him into anything fun? If you’re not up for college adventures, any other period (time studying with the Shamans, his time after his misadventure in Cedonia, old age...) is fine. (I’d have considered requesting a story about Penric and Nikys, but it could get jossed while you were still writing it, which might be a little frustrating.)

I got Desdemona fic last year and it was awesome; I'm requesting more because I can't get enough. Also, I requested Penric and Desdemona but one of my favorite stories last year was a modern AU with a Temple in Central Park NYC; a modern AU version of the World of the Five Gods (with any of the characters -- from any of the Chalion books, actually) would be really cool.

EDITED TO ADD:

Okay, wow, just read “The Prisoner of Limnos,” the newest Penric & Desdemona novella (released today) and it is FILLED with amazing new characters and if you’ve read it and are feeling inspired, I would also be perfectly delighted with a story about Tanar and Nikys, Tanar and Bosha, Tanar by herself doing pretty much anything, Bosha and his sister Hekat, Bosha on his own pre-Tanar or pre-story, the relationship between Idrene and Lady Florina, the story of Ikos reconnecting with his mother once he’s of age -- basically, every single new character in this book was AMAZING and I love ALL of them, although Tanar in particular filled me with absolute delight. (I have to say, I don’t think Adelys is good enough for her and kind of like the idea, floated by Bosha, that maybe she should run off and become a pirate queen instead, so if you were also caught by that and want to write a story about Tanar the Pirate Queen, that would be outstanding.) Basically -- obviously all of this is optional, you may not have even read the book yet, but if you’re an obsessive Bujold fan like me and thought “oh dang I wish this had been out before Yuletide nominations" as you were reading about how Tanar met Bosha, please feel free to disregard ALL my character requests and write me whatever you want about the new crop of characters! 

One DNW for this fandom: I do not want a story in which the ancient demon Ista sends back to the Bastard in Paladin of Souls turns out to be Desdemona. (A story in which Penric and Desdemona encounter that demon in a sorcerer from their era is perfectly fine -- I just don't want a story in which Des turns out to BE that demon.) Edited to add: I’d also prefer to avoid a story about the death of the Princess-Archdivine. Mentioning and even setting during that time period is fine, I’d just prefer it not be the focus of the story. 

Thank you! Yuletide is one of my favorite parts of Christmas!

[opalmothnightingale]

7- 5- 18 - Pomegranates,...  I love them, and so far they’re one of the foods I don’t think I’m very sensitive to,... If I only have a little at a time, at least,... 

Just as it is in diet, randomness is not random and not particular enough for me,...  I have to have a very specific set of food, herbs, etc that follow my needs of the moment,...  So I’m having to create things that are extremely novel and diverse and random and new, but also sorted, so that when I need something more than just totally random I can find something random in the categories,...  And so it’s taking so long to sort all the ideas, resources and information, perspectives, and tools that I need for various expressions of wellness, illness, particular states of mind or many combinations in between,... 

The same things again and again might be what you need,...  Variety might not be the right variety for you,...  Maybe something you don’t need, something you’re allergic or not good for your constitution, etc,...  Or for some health issue, it might aggravate it, even if other times you can have that same thing and not have any problems,...  That is how it is with my own health issues and allergies and my daughter’s too,...  We can eat some things at times, other things other times, need some things some times, don’t need them other times,... Some foods repeated for a time can make us feel good, be healthy, even if other times the same food can make us have some food sensivitiy problem, and that all interacts with nasal and pollen allergies which make us more sensitive,...  Then it also interacts with the fact that we have eaten other sensitive foods or whatever, or that we ate this food too often or too large a quantity or we didn’t have this other food that helps to counteract this affect,...

So all that goes into it,... And I’ve not figured it all out just yet but I’m trying to,...  Even so I wonder if some of it is due to things I have not begun to detect,... And so I can’t even know what all is having an affect till I figure out what all the factors are,...  So I have to detach from the idea of health and wellness because I can’t force it to happen but have to work with the seasons and weather and sometimes that is just out of my control and it’s going to harm me, but all I can do is try to get by then,...  those times,...  Ill, tired, oppressed, deprived, and I don’t know why, sometimes,...  Or whatever is not in my control, like the actual weather, the emotional triggers, the pollen, or something that I can’t control,... And I find that I am so in my sensitivities I am not well suited to avoid the triggers wholly,...  Because that makes me even more sensitive,...  Overly sensitive and then I don’t have the good things in the sensitive foods, the nutrition, phytochemicals and antioxidants, etc,...  Which can be very healing indeed, even if I’m sensitive,...  I no longer have them, which sometimes are so concentrated and bioavailable in those forms and foods that I can’t find them in any other food, at all, nearly so suited to me, even if I am sensitive,...  

But that is just how it is,... And it reminds me of the way that life is,...  My needs, moods, novelty craving, and needs for things that uplift me, help me manage my depression, anxiety, etc,... behavioral issues, and the behavioral issues of my daughter,...  and exhaustion, pain, allergies, brain fog, etc,...��

So it all goes into play,...  The variety I need, the repetition I need,...  I can’t just have generalized randomized variety, because I need the randomization that is exactly what I need sometimes, and if I just randomly pluck something from the excess of possibilities mixed up then it might be not what I need, even if I keep picking one after another looking for what is right, still it might be that I only need one thing at that time, just like a medicine that is what will address my health issue when no other one will... I need that particular unusual herb or plant or thing, that unique expression of novelty and no other one will heal and get me by at that precious delicious delicate rare crisis,...  As often the very things that are healing and novel and unique are beautiful, and the illness holds unique gifts,...

Just as how they say that bipolar disorder is a gift in artists sometimes, who find their worldviews expanded by having so many different moods and angles they see things and feel things from,...  And so, even science does support this,...  But that is not saying all those who have bipolar are very creative, just statistically it’s a much higher rate of it,...  And then, of course, creativity isn’t a cure all for life’s problems, by any wild stretch of the imagination,...  But then it may be like a double edged sword, so you might be delicate and thriving and just hanging on all at once, and all are true,...  Just barely getting by and thriving at the same time in the same areas, because there’s so many facets of one area of functioning, and the fluctuations over the course of a day, not to even begin to approach the week, month, year, how it changes over time,...  It is what it is and it needs respect and cooperation, this beast that gives gifts and holds you in its thrall, but is just how it is, like any other disease that you can’t find a cure for,...  Till or if you can,...  And so some find a functioning balance, that is stable enough...  And you try and pray and maybe all your full life you are able to hold that balance,...  And if you fall off the balance, it’s not any different than any other life threatening illness that can suddenly take over against all your best attempts, but it’s ok.  Because it’s not who you are,...  You aren’t the disease,...  It’s only a part of you, even if it has gifts and can’t necessarily be called “dysfunctional” fully,...  If you manage to stabilize it, so life is a balance,...  Dark and light are enmeshed and can’t be pulled apart sometimes,...  If you’re really fortunate you might make is so extremely stable that you can maintain a balance that is safe and secure, and cannot be disrupted ever all your whole healthy enough life,...  

But even then you might have to make special concessions to meet your needs, and society might say you’re not enough, not valid, but they don’t know,...  

It’s just one more stigma modern society hasn’t learned to understand and even if they say they understand, they don’t,...  Only a few really do understand and respect but they are there, perhaps silently holding their worlds together and avoiding being made into a target by speaking up,...  And just a few speak up and those who do often do so in this contrary, divisive, negative way because of all the resistance they face,...  Rare indeed is the one who speaks up in a truly constructive way,...  But there are many who understand even if they can’t be supportive in a positive, constructive way,...