#whatever. I know I have to focus on myself but I’m depressed and so tired I just want to sleep all day

[whoblewboobear]

Knowing that I have to go home after an 8-hour shift at the job I hate to force myself to deep clean the depression nest my room has become while neck deep in the same depressive episode for the past 3 months on top of chronic pain makes me wanna scream like can I just smoke weed and sleep on the couch instead pls?

[binoculares]

I think my self esteem is at an all time low now that I started working in a company, which is crazy cus I was fat and ugly in middle school

[heyyallitssatan]

I was reading study tips and came across one that made me mad.

It says “we all procrastinate our school work by saying we’re tired and not motivated. And look at how much time we waste when we could be productive and study. So erase those excuses and take out all your distractions and start studying!”

I’m gonna preface this rant with: this doesn’t apply to everyone, some people procrastinate their work because they just don’t want to do it, and I’m guilty of having done that, I’ll admit it, and some people need to push themselves harder about doing their work, for some people this may be helpful advice, but it’s not for me and it pisses me off, so with that out of the way I’m gonna rant (under the cut cause this got much longer than intended)

It pisses me off so bad because of all the years spent being told that I’m just lazy and I need to stop making excuses and try harder, when I’m reality I was trying so fucking hard but for some god damn reason I just fucking couldn’t. I couldn’t just white knuckle my way through it, no matter how hard I tried, it didn’t fucking work, and I was left more exhausted and stressed out then I was before. I’ve since learned that trying to force myself to work when it clearly isn’t working for whatever reason was doing way more harm than good, so was framing it as laziness and failure in my mind. The best way for me when I’m exhausted/burnout/depressed/dealing with executive dysfunction is sometimes to just stop. It doesn’t matter that I really need to get this done, or that I’m behind, or anything else, I need to take a break, and eat something/drink something/shower/sleep whatever has to happen for me to reset. Doesn’t matter what it is, but something besides “grit your teeth and deal with it” needs to happen. It has been instrumental in dealing with stuff, especially school. Doing this has helped to both stave off the burnout so that I’m dealing with a lighter version, and it takes longer to set in, it also makes it easier to deal with when the burnout hits, it’s also a good policy for depressive episodes. I’ve also noticed that letting myself take breaks and rests has allowed me to get more work done, knowing that I can rest if I need to is incredibly helpful

Now, the work has to get done eventually, so here’s my advice if you’ve made it this long, I applaud you you’re a wonderful being

So the original post was trying to give you tips on not procrastinating, so here’s some that actually kind of work for me.

1. Do work ahead of time, when you have the extra spoons and time to dedicate to school and studying, do it, even if you’re all caught up on homework and notes, work ahead, you’ll be thanking spoonful you when that bad episode hits and you aren’t falling as far behind

2. Because sometimes episodes last a long time and you are still required function in society, try making a time limit. I saw a great post once about it, but basically set a limit for 50 minutes of work (or however long you can reasonably expect yourself to work and focus) and then take a ten minute rest, then set a timer for forty minutes of work (or ten minutes less then your of time) and then ten minutes rest, then thirty minute timer, you get the just, just keep going til you run out of time, it works for me, helps me get work done, setting timers makes me feel like I’m racing the clock to finish Task is that time so I can start a new one when the next timer starts. Another way to do this if you don’t like this method is an adaptation of STPs, basically, work for twenty minutes, break for ten, work for twenty, break for ten, repeat ad infinitum, or as long as necessary. Shoot for five reps, ten if you’re really going for it. Honestly, there’s a lot of interesting workout reps that you can’t turn into study things, I suggest looking at some, especially if they’re already part of your workout routine and you know they work for your there, cause that’s a better chance of them working for you here

3. Make it fun. A lot like timers, if you’re trying to beat someone/something then it can add dopamine to the activity, so you’re more likely to do it. I recommend this video which detail a quest type system to keep you on track, it can’t be translated to studying with both the original how ever much you do gives you points to use against the monster, or the way I do with both the og and bonus points for getting good grades on homework/tests, whatever works for you

3a. You can also try making a friend/rival in class you’re trying beat, I am a big proponent for what friendly competition can do for you. (This can also set you up for a slow burn rivals to lovers college au, so you know, bonuses)

All I got for now, but I may add more later.

[uramitashi]

this is throw away account but I just want you to know all your sentiments about beauty I feel and agree with ALL your points! I have suffered BDD and ED for most of my life. I have lost and regained the same 45-60 pounds and all for what? I’m so sick of tired of trying to be perceived the right way and trying to be a natural beauty? I always been “plus size” fat whatever. I was just a small fat is what the new age call it. I’m outta of here when it comes to all this bullshit. I never felt beautiful and probably never will but that’s okay because our beauty or lack there of is not our worth! Our worth is not interchangeable and I’m not sorry that all these assholes on Tik tok and these femininity coaches are full of shit making women feel bad about our bodies. I’m so fucking done!! I’m 25 and ready to live I swear this shit has made me feel like a goddam teenager and I’m done! Sorry if that was alot lol

first of all - im so happy my thoughts reasonate with you! sometimes i feel alone in my worldview because in my real life, people have interiorized those concepts in such a deep way it feels impossible even to converse with them. So thank you for not giving up to social expectations and embracing your body for what it is!

25 is so young! you are going to live all your next decades knowing that everytime they try to sell you an insecurity, they are lying to you - something they do to women of all ages, distracting them from their own personal exploration and pursuits. You have so much time to focus on enjoying life and developing your abilities and intelligence! (Also all the money you will not spend trying to ""beautify"" yourself to please society lol)

Also the mental strenght and capacity of surviving those disorders is admirable! Those are so enabled by certain environments that even recognizing their presence is an enormous act of self-awareness sometimes.

The thing is that - who decides what beauty even is? Someone can study every single biologically programmed instinct and every artistic viewpoint, but at the end of the day they can be part of our concept of beauty, but don't get to entirely define it. A fat body is not more or less beautiful than a rectangular body or an hourglass body, it doesn't matter what scientific study someone uses to back up their theories. I myself have suffered from depression in my teens for unrelated reasons, and as a 15 years old i would have never recognized a female body as more or less beautiful than another. This is something i am starting to do now, as a 23 years old who is learning to navigate a world much bigger than herself outside her past. There are "beautiful" things that i am starting to notice just now, and this is for me the confirmation (of what i already knew) that beauty is mostly a learned phenomenon, subjective, and as potentially fun/enjoyable as potentially dangerous for the connotations we give it.

Your worth isn't linked to your outer appearance, but also beware of what people try to convince you - that you are "ugly" for certain aspects of yourself - because not only beauty does not matter, it also doesn't exist within the boundaries they set. It is much more, it is something entirely different, and at the end of the day, it's something that doesn't really matter anyway

[overgrownmoon]

vent post

i’m not allowed to be angry.

how dare i complain. how dare i argue and bicker. how could i act so childish and irresponsible, pull yourself together and act right. dont cuss, don’t hit, don’t yell; stay good. be good. i have better things to worry about. your little brother is throwing a tantrum, i don’t need you throwing one too. you’re the eldest, you don’t need to be crying. behave. act right and don’t make a scene.

don’t be so down on the state of the world. don’t let it get to you. don’t focus on politics. don’t talk about things that upset you. focus on school, you don’t have time for that anger. you have no where to put it and nothing to do with it. you have everything you need, why are you complaining? why aren’t you happy yet? everything is gonna be ok, don’t be sad. don’t be upset.

nononono. no. no. i want to be angry. i want to scream and stomp and yell and cry and hit because i am so. angry at the world and all the horrible people in it and the horrible rules of society we came up with and everything that we do to eachother and the planet and i’m so so angry that i can’t do anything about it. i’m significant. i’m not a rich oil baron that can lobby the government, i j not an elected official, im not an influencer or speaker. i have no power. for every straw that i deny and plastic cup i recycle millions more are manufactured and dumped into the oceans. for every bill i oppose politicians sche on how to add more, do more, get wicked things to pass.

i’m tired and stressed and angry. i want to do something but i have no time, money, or energy to do it.

do i make an impact? do i matter? am i more than a cog in a machine, a number on a document? can i ever be more than a depressed white middle class asshole with a broken brain? who complains day in and day out how fucking depressed they are, oh how bo-hoo sad my life is oh ducking shut up asshole. i don’t know the meaning of suffering. oh lord your parents got divorced we get it and you lived in a nice house with toys and food and a good school and loving family and ooooohhh how hard your life must have been. how much you must have suffered while you went out with friends and had a good dad and a nice computer and good grades in school. what the fuck do i have to be upset about? ducking nothing i’m just a piece of shit loser with such a broken and failed fucking brain that i somehow convinced myself that i’m not a shitty awful person!

what point is there. nothing fucking matters. at the end of the day the fuckers in charge will get what they want while us plebeians get to wallow and suffer for our wages. we’ll beg and grovel at their feet for a luveable planet, drinkable water, a home to live in. so list and fucking doomed we are. i don’t want to participate in society. i do t want to do any of this. i didn’t want to be born. i wish i was never born. i don’t want to be here i don’t want to do any of this it all sucks and unfair and no one ever ducking asked me if i wanted to be here! i am forced into this goddamned nonsense world where profits are more important that morals and i’m sick of it! but the only other option is death and that’s looking like a pretty good option compared to what the fuck is gonna happen to us in the future!

fuck this. fuck everything. fuck your “have hopes” and “look at the bright sides” and whatever the fucking fuck. they won’t change the damn bed facts right in front of us. they won’t stop this fucking garbage fire from burning. i want to be angry. i want to so angry i can cave in concrete and shatter glass. i want to snarl and rip and tear and kill and maim and destroy eveything around me and then finally rip into my own chest and rip out my own heart so i never have to have it hurt from watching everything fucking collapse around me.

privileged fucking asshole. at a good college, don’t have to work, living with my parents. i still have the absolute audacity to be so bitchy and ungrateful. of fucking course. i fucking hate myself

[thefaultinoursprinkles]

I like. I need to process everything that’s been going on and I need to talk about how I’m feeling to be able to do that but I don’t.. want to I guess. I don’t want to bother people with my issues and I feel silly talking about how I feel. So then I think that I should go back to therapy so I have someone to talk to but I honestly really don’t want to unless it’s someone with a PhD because at this point I have as much education and training as a “mental health practitioner” and I’m about 2 years of internships away from an “LMFT” or other “licensed therapist”.

and that’s the other thing like, I’ve been in therapy for a long time, I’m a psych major, I did DBT, I feel like I’ve gotten everything I can out of “therapy” basically. So then like pursuing therapy just to talk through my emotions feels stupid and like a pointless waste of money to me. But then I go back and forth like would it actually help? Am I avoiding this out of shame or not wanting to damage my pride? Or as a form of self harm? Or do i genuinely think I won’t get anything out of it? Idk.

a big part of it too is that a lot of the stressors like with money and stuff are temporary and therapy isn’t going to help them. Like not to talk highly of myself but I’m pretty self actualized and the majority of my problems/stressors stem from external factors like not having enough money or my fiancee trying to kill themselves or close friends dying or work being stressful, which like therapy isn’t exactly going to solve any of those problems. It’s just supposed to teach you the skills to deal with those kind of things or change them or tolerate them which like. I already have. So again, pointless.

Even then, the problems i do have outside of external stuff are ones that I’m pretty confident cannot be treated through therapy. Like I really think a lot of my issues stem from unmediated adhd, and like I have skills that I use and I have work arounds and hacks and whatever else that are supposed to help me manage it better but it doesn’t work. like I take the notes and I track the things and I put trash cans everywhere and have other people remind me of stuff like. I can get by. but every fucking day of my life I am so overwhelmed by everything at work and at home and in relationships and I feel guilty and embarrassed that I can’t do the things that should be so easy.

Like every few days to every few weeks I find myself exasperated and thinking “WHY CANT I JUST DO IT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. THIS IS SO SIMPLE. WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH ME” and like on some level I know it’s because I have symptoms syndrome and it affects me but I feel like there’s nothing to do.

like I’m doing all the stuff I’m supposed to do, I’m doing all the stuff that therapists and counselors have told me to do and I’m doing all the stuff that is recommended in the DSM V and I stay up to date on the current research in the causes, management, and treatment of specifically adhd but also generally all psych topics because I’m just genuinely interested in them so I read peer reviewed journals for fun.

And there are some things like. Idk exercise. And I’m like oh I should exercise then I’m like well not “should” but I want to exercise because I know it makes me feel better and it’s been proven to help with focus and clarity as well as alleviate symptoms of depression. And then I find myself being like “I can’t I can’t I can’t” so they I think about it. Why can’t I? And it’s like well, I don’t have enough time, I’m always tired, blah blah blah. And I think really the root is that I don’t want to spend “my” time doing something I don’t like doing and I don’t have any way to do the exercises I actually like (like biking or swimming).

So then I get back around to like okay we’ll I’m not actually doing EVERYTHING I can I’m not exercising or watching my diet, I could be doing more. So then I try to plan out time to do it and I set reminders and then I fail and fail and fail and fail and give up.

And it’s like what is therapy going to do? I know they’re gonna tell me to sleep and eat and exercise and be mindful. I know I need to do those things and I want to do those things but I CANT and I don’t know WHY.

AND THEN I loop back around to like what the fuck is wrong with me I know I need to do these things I want to fucking do these things I LIKE doing these things SO WHY CANT I JUST DO IT WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME and it starts all over.

And how do you explain that to someone? I’m objectively successful. I’m well educated. I have a high paying job. I don’t get into extreme legal or financial trouble. I have lots of very supportive and close friends and family. I don’t have the “right” things wrong with me to have people understand or recognize the struggle going on behind the scenes to do any of it. Like I know what to do, I do most of it, and it’s, by all accounts but mine, working well because I’m able to live independently and maintain relationships and hold a job and even get promoted at said job. So to any therapist I talk to it’s like. “Why are you here?” And I have to explain like yes I know I’m making it work I’m doing impressive things but I’m DYING I’m constantly stressed and overwhelmed and anxious and on the brink of a panic attack. I spend hours of my day staring at wall screaming inside my head about all the stuff I have to do but unable to do it. I’m smart enough to be really good at doing what I need to do to get by or knowing where to focus my efforts but I constantly feel like I’m in an out of control car spinning out with no brakes.

and I feel so stuck because I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t think there’s anything else I can realistically do to have a better handle on things, this is just the reality. Like I feel like I just need to accept that this is how it’s going to be and this is how it’s going to feel because I truly do not think there is anything that could possibly help me get out of this internal mess.

and of course, then I start thinking like, that’s pretty defeatist, am I giving up before I even try? So then I feel like, even more than before, i just need to try harder and do better and get further because it’s my own lazy ridiculous fault that im in this position in the first place.

[scoups4lyfe]

Journal Entries of Bipolar sh*t compiled to Show the Mind of Someone with BP:

[Entries from my mood journals:] 

TW: Mental Health

These entries are personal, I wrote them as I was going through whatever I end up writing about, I took out any personal details so it reads like ANON.

[Next]

Energy Levels: 

July 15th 2020: 

Questionable levels of energy. Went to bed at 9am and woke up at 6pm. Just really tired, I feel just,,,, exhausted in an empty almost depressive kind of way. Could a depressive episode be looming on the horizon? Conversely, however, my energy has been pretty high the last three-four days at least. I’ve been somewhat motivated, getting work done, and also having major problems with insomnia that really kind of came out of nowhere. That’s why I couldn’t fall asleep until 9am last night. (Though my time blindness when doing things I enjoy certainly doesn’t help.)

July 16th 2020: 

(went to bed at 9am, awoke at 7pm)

Another feeling of low energy. I’d rate it about 3.5/10 (5 being normal.) Mood wise, I'm in a rather neutral mood, though I’m starting to worry that it’s getting more and more apathetic. (Especially when I’m dehydrated.) 

Executive dysfunction is rearing its ugly head. It’s hard for me to do things, I kinda want to curl into a ball and do nothing for great periods of time. I find it hard to really be motivated or to make myself WANT to look nice when I see my friend tomorrow. It’s actually kind of worrying, but my overall mood (as I said) is still pretty neutral. 

July 17th, 2020: A solid 3/10 

(Bed @ 7/8-ish am. Woke at 1:09pm to go to a friend’s.) 

I just feel tired and kinda zen, not gonna lie. Like relaxed and ready to slip into unconsciousness at any moment. Not necessarily as apathetic as yesterday, but that could be because I am around my good friend, and being around my good friends makes me happy, distracted, and more energized, even with barely any sleep.

July 18th 2020: 

Bed time:  Close to 11:30 pm Wake Up: Close to 9am. (Like 8:40 am or something) 

A solid 2.2/10 

I’ve had low energy for a bit now and I know it’s starting to roll into my apathetic depressions. Today [friend] wanted me to go to the gym/pool with [them] and I was REALLY not feeling it, but [they] were  gungho for it and were talking about it like it was already going to be a done-deal. This kinda soured me because I really do not want to move around much when I’m like this and I ESPECIALLY did not want to go to the pool—  I knew I’d be the only one in the pool, alone, because I didn’t bring shoes so I either had to wait horrendously by myself in the locker room or pool it out alone until someone joined me after their workout.

I DID feel great when I stepped into that lukewarm shower before having to get into the pool, but like, WOAH MAN, I got super apathetic, I contemplated just staying in the shower for an hour and like hOO wow. Not great. 0/10 would not recommend. 

I did actually enjoy the pool though and after about 15 minutes of [friend] joining me I began to go back to a more neutral state of mind, so that was good. 

When we went to the mall it was fun too, but for some reason (I can’t even explain why) I hit a low— low, and started to second-guess everything (even my friendship with them) and wondered if I should never talk or see them ever again from then on. It was really melodramatic and I don’t even know why I thought about it for a minute there. After a few minutes I was snapped back to normal by hanging out with my friends and then I was kinda okay again. 

Emotionally (when I’m not feeling low energy/apathetic/empty AF) I feel on the verge of just breaking down into tears and laughing like a maniac.

July 24th

Bed: 9pm-ish  Woke: 5am 

Energy: 4-ish (Maybe even a bit more of a 3.5 rn) 

These last few days have been a blur tbh. I went on a webtoon-reading, what-music-was-I-listening-to-in-middle-school binge these last couple of days and so I remember not much. The hyper focus really had me there lol. 

July 28th 2020: 

Bed: 1:15 am Woke: 6:30 am 

Mood: When I was awake earlier and reading, about a 3. RIGHT NOW??? 1.5/10 and quickly approaching a meltdown. 

I am SO SO tired and almost about to have an emotional breakdown for no reason. I have no idea where this is coming from but I am going to tuck into bed and disappear from existence because I need to sleep for 19hrs or I WILL throw a fit. 

**Some notes for July 28th. I tried to sleep at 7/8pm because I felt an incoming meltdown. But then I was suddenly wide awake? Like my energy was at a 7 while my mood was at a 0.5. Basically, not fun, would never repeat again. 

July 31st, 2020: 

Bed: Around midnight/1 am woke: 3pm. 

Energy: 4/10

I don’t know why I slept for so long, but I def. could have slept longer. In fact most of the day I felt kind of bleh. 

Not terrible enough to lie down but also not normal-normal. 

August 26th, 2020: 

Woke: 7pm Slept: 9/10am 

Mood: 4.5/10 

In general I’ve felt fine. Not as exhausted, and definitely  in a good mood. Maybe it’s because I’m purposefully taking it easy while still trying to accomplish the small things. Ahhhh I feel so accomplished, yo!!!

But just as a general warning, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to stay optimistic. (Hopefully for a long time.) I just feel the depressive episode on the horizon. For now, I’m doing self care so that I can fight  it off, but hopefully it won’t be “only a matter of time.” 

Thursday — September 17th, 2020: 

Slept: 1am woke: 7:30am 

Mood: 5/10 ENERGY: 2.5/10 

Though I’m in a pretty genial mood, I just feel so tired. Which makes no sense because yesterday I woke up at like 7pm and went to bed at 1am. So WHAT TF bro. I’ve just been lying in my bed all day because that’s like the only way I feel somewhat decent. 

Kinda want to take a nap but I know that’ll do me absolutely no good whatsoever, so I’m gonna stay awake and try to be as productive as I can be when I’m lying down in a horizontal position.

[Journal Entry] 

“Saturday: October 10th, 2020 —  Around Night

Right now I feel invincible. Like I can write and capture that perfect melody. Pen to paper. Pencil to sketchbook. For this moment, just right now, I feel as if I could do anything, and that makes me so, so, happy. 

Today is a happy day, which is made funnier or perhaps more ironic by the fact that I didn’t even want to wake up today. [Which I did, begrudgingly, at 6pm-ish.] 

The tides really do come and go. So never feel too down. At some point you’ll feel like this again. The cogs keep turning and life goes on. 

Mood: 10/10 Energy: 10/10.”

[End quote] 

...

“October 13th, 2020 — Tuesday, 10:45 AM. 

So many thoughts have taken travels in my hand. Today I feel invincible again. Much like I did in the last entry. I have been an unfortunate disappointment to my family, though. My energy, motivation, and time has been entangled lately. Entangled deep into my mind, my media, and the interests I partake in: The Void ™. 

Therefore I haven’t been of much help, entertainment, or enjoyment for my loved ones. Last Sunday our relatives gathered at our house to celebrate [my brother's] birthday. Yet I stayed in bed. I did not celebrate with them, and ignored their asks of me. I’m quite disappointed in myself for being this way. I can only strive to be better. I may not have been energetic or involved these last few days, but I feel much better now that I’ve gotten rest. 

Though I’ll always be fighting with that void that distracts and captures my attentions, I won’t let these strings choke me.” [End Quote] 

…

October 18th 2020:

Slept: 10am Woke: 4am

Mood:2.5/10. Energy:2/10

I just feel very anxious (like pit of nervous energy going 100mph in my stomach) anxious. I’m gonna try and nap the wired energy off cause it’s making me panicked 

[Journal Entry] 

“October 18th, 2020 — Sunday, 3:46 AM

I’ve gone and slept all of saturday. But hopefully this will fix my sleep schedule. I’m also (not quite anxious, but I know the tension is there, rising, ready to explode on the horizon. Already it’s October 18th, and yet it feels as if I’ve accomplished nothing. And perhaps I haven’t.”

[End quote] 

…

“October 24th, 2020 — Saturday, 9:55 PM.

At the beginning of this page I felt indescribable emotion fill me. Everything was pointless. I’d forgotten how to fly and instead remembered how to nap. For a singular moment I wanted to sleep into nonexistence. I wanted to cry, too. But mostly, I was just tired. I could do nothing but sit and want to sleep, and I had not even the strength or energy to loathe myself for this. So I decided to scrapbook instead and then maybe sleep after I’d written all this leak in me from pen to paper. But in the (time it)  took for me to design the page I fell out of my emotional range. Instead I felt calm. Pacified. Silly, isn’t it? I’m supposed to edit today and tomorrow, but I’ve let today slip away. 

I’ve also eaten too much again. I feel sick. Like I’m eating as much as I can before a hibernation. Does my body feel a depressive episode coming before I do? Is that it? Or is my overeating and lack of control leading me into a spiral? I shouldn’t be feeling like this. So much anxious, emotional energy. I’m wired as shit and I hate this jittery-ness. 

It’s suffocating. Like a snake’s wrapped itself over me and keeps constricting, tighter, and tighter, and tighter, till there’s nothing left.”

[End of entry] 

…

“November 10, 2020 — Tuesday 

Pros: I watched lupinranger like 3 times in the span of 3 days. 

Cons: I watched lupinranger like 3 times in the span of 3 days.”

[End Quote] 

[Around 3 month time skip]

[Sunday, February 28th, 2021 — 2:04 AM] 

“I’m treading water. Another month passes. Hopefully I’ll make all I can of this last day. I walked some, but I still haven’t reached my desired destination. Guess I have no choice but to keep going! Everything has a time. I can only continue trying. That’s all I can do. To quit is to have nothing for myself, not even dreams. ‘Being confident that he who began a good work in you will carry on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.’ (-Something Phillipians.) 

I dream of many things. I pray that March gives me what I need. Please be here with me, hold my hand in these times and keep me close in your thoughts. I’m trying. I’m always trying. Day by day, hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute. I can’t do this alone. (I wish I could.) My brain is so easily distracted and it’s hard to get by even doing things I joy. I wish I had something that could force me to function. All I have is myself.  

One day I won’t just be writing dreams with no evidence. Every step is part of the journey (even if it doesn’t feel like it.) So thank you for walking with me. I don’t have the strength to do this alone. Please, please hold my hand through the anxieties and whisper that it’ll be alright. I’m blindfolded, and I’m walking on a tightrope, and I need you to tell me when and how to jump so that I’ll land in the net. I’m blind but I’m listening. September 30th feels a lightyear away. It’s hard to forget the lack when you’re faced with it everyday. And I’m unsure. Please tell me that it’s worth it. Please. Please help me. Please. Please lead me. Please help me.” 

[End of entry.]

Part: [1], [2], [3], [4]

This is the first part of the journal entries, I'll be uploading another compilation after each newly posted PPT essay.

Bipolar PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6]

Visuals of depressive episodes: (1), (2)

PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3)

[Next]

[erykatega]

I feel like a I have a bad hangover, like an emotional hangover. Im tired, sleepy, sad, and feel like a wilted flower. As much as I enjoy being home, it feels heavy sometimes. There are things that are ravaging my household members/family like alcoholism, depression, worry, anxiety, and other hardships I may or may not know about. But I feel it, like a cloud over the home. And there are a lot of reasons known or unknown to me for these feelings. I want to help them out, but I don’t want to become responsible for them, I don’t have all of the answers and to pretend that I do is so exhausting to me. But it makes me to sad to know that they could be better but are not. I want to relax at home but it’s hard to. There’s this stagnancy that I feel in the home, that I feel around me, sometimes it feels like inaction, it feels like a rut. I am also sad about my boy toy who I cannot reach, who I cannot caress, my little slice of sweetness that I cannot indulge carnally with. Im sad about a lot, im resentful for feeling like im giving a lot of myself to people around me and I feel like im bled dry. Then I have to come into work and pull out of me the same amount of output that I did last week and do everything again and again and again and again. I don’t know when I’ll see my sweetness again. I hope he remains, but I don’t know anything. And although I should revel in the bliss of not knowing, it chips at me. Im not looking forward to the next show that I’ll be in, I am mildly hoping that this new love affair continues to flourish. I want to remain hopeful and grounded. But right now, idk. idk if it’s bc I’m in between eclipses and the energy is just weird right now. But i need to break free from my rut. I feel like I need to connect with myself again. This past weekend it felt like it was for others – Friday night with amrinder, Saturday morning with my sister and family, Saturday afternoon at a coworker’s kid’s birthday party, Sunday morning at 7AM at the church that traumatized me with family, Sunday afternoon with my mom at the fair, and nik sprinkled across the weekend but no video call.

I wanted to show up for all of them. I know they’re all going through a lot. And they had special moments that they wanted others to be present for. And I wanted to show and support. My sister is going through health stuff, coworker is going through whatever she is going through, and my mom has been dealing with the worry of my youngest brother. I knew going to the fair would lend my mom a sense of respite, a bit of a distraction, which I had been meaning to do with her. I gave others a lot of me this weekend before I had to return to work and give my job what is remaining.

I don’t feel well resourced right now. Honestly, I cant really focus. I want to take a trip to LA, I want to just clear my head, I want to spend some time alone. I want to take the time to reflect on what this summer brought me, to process some emotions, to build up the courage to deal with things I’ve been putting off. I need time to recharge and reset, so I can see everything in 4k, in its clarity. When I have clarity, I feel like I have power. I can see all of the moving pieces and prioritize accordingly, I can give weight to what needs it and discard the excess. But when im in my primal cave woman brain, everything sets me off. I wish I had gone to that concert last week – or the week before. That would’ve been nice. But in a place where there is a lot to do, I can find something. Something just for me.

[antigencomplex]

Should probably journal about something so I guess here is as good as any

The whole addicted and obsessed thing is manifesting in me in a way that is not fun and borderline unhealthy.

I felt the difference on Saturday, after I listened to Focus. I had a real day. I got a lot done. I went about it all with you and your voice in the back of my mind, and I felt capable, and not alone. It was wonderful. I wish I could feel like that all the time.

I think about you all the time. That’s not the problem. I thought about you all the time on Saturday too, but I was functional. Most days I’m not functional. I spend hours rereading our conversations and relistening to messages to the point where I can’t drag my attention away in order to work, where I’m extremely irritated that I have to care for the pets, where I don’t want to talk to anyone, and where basic self-care stuff is a struggle (which, to be fair, is often the case for me anyway when I’m depressed). But this isn’t an improvement on my baseline of depression because now I’m struggling but with the added weight of the actual physical pain of constantly longing for you and not knowing when or even if that longing will be fulfilled. And the wild mood swings of being ecstatic when I have your attention vs being hopelessly lonely when I don’t.

It’s not a good use of my time, for me or for our relationship, for me to be scrolling to the beginning of your blog or Twitter for the 10th time, or scrolling to the beginning of your ex’s tumblr for the fifth time and rereading all her posts about you. If we want any of this to be real - I need to be able to take care of myself, so I can work, so I can build up savings, so I can get my tiny house, so I can put it on a piece of land within a few hours of you, so I can make a life that I actually want to live. I think I can be devoted and adoring without spending all my time immersing myself in the same messages and blog posts that I’ve already read a million times and idk exactly what it looks like but I need to be doing whatever that is instead of this. And I do kinda feel like you created this monster so I need your help fixing it. Especially because, when I was given a suggestion to behave differently, I DID IT.

I don’t know if you can carry on the intensity level of relationship that you want with me with the amount of time that you actually have. If you want this level of devotion I might just need MORE back and I don’t want to beg for it. When you do have time for me it’s amazing and I know you try to make it. But I can’t seem to force myself to be chill - you’ve literally suggested and encouraged the opposite. I go stir crazy when I don’t have you. I have doubts, I think it’s all a lie, I think about how it’s all going to end, I start crying and can’t stop. I don’t know how to be securely attached to you.

It’s all made worse because the probable whole source of my kink is not getting the amount or right type of attention that I needed from my dad. It’s all really raw and I can’t just keep picking at it. If we’re going to do this, and we already have been, I don’t want to keep activating that part of me without giving it what it needs to feel cared for and healed, and I’m not going to be able to do it on my own.

I might just actually be too crazy. I worry. But I don’t want to stop. I just need help and time and understanding. I need. I need. I need. I hate needing. I hate wanting. I’ve tried so hard to be okay on my own and I try so hard to be okay with whatever I get and I tried and tried and tried and I’m so tired of trying and I just want to be yours and I want to be special and I want to be loved.

[ejaydoeshisbest]

And so we must part until I learn to swim and get myself back to shore.

I understand you want to see me smile genuinely again. I understand that you want to see pictures of me against backdrops adorned with gold and silver to match the ivory of my teeth, instead of the suffocating blue gloom that drips down my life. I understand that you wish for me to be healed. But to comfort me now is to accept and understand all my sorrows. You must sink into my waters to know how deep it is. And so we must part until I learn to swim and get myself back to shore.

I realize that you don’t entertain my negativity whenever I spew it out in every toxic phone call because you’re probably tired. We’ve been repeating the same lines over and over again: Me with my frustrations over my weak body, the panic that sets in, the loneliness, the desperation, the anxiety that never seems to end, and you, with your steadfast faith, your grateful spirit, and your loving arms. You want me to focus on the positives because to entangle all the jagged thorns of my mind would prick your fingers and waste the limited time you have to instead be doing other worthier, holier pursuits.

I miss the days when I could talk to you about anything. About the brightness of the world and the love I have for mankind. I miss sharing the stories that pop randomly into my head. I want to do away with all this angst. Until I have new good stories to share, I’m afraid I have to keep my silence. It is for your sake as well.

You must be weary of hearing that I am still jobless and relying on the generosity of others to feed me. You must be sick in praying that I maintain my season of healing, which is a nice way of phrasing that I am still experiencing panic attacks, still feel anxious, and have difficulty convincing myself that I am strong as I make the quick journey to the nearby mall for groceries or whatever. You must be tired of hearing my woes of loneliness while you are happy living in a bright place with your healthy, strong, independent, mature children, and can’t wait to rejoin the company of your like-minded friends thriving in a place where you belong.

I also want to part ways to stop the envy from spreading and diminishing the love I have for you. Such a child I am to admit that I feel envious of you partying with your peers in your nice homes wearing nice white dresses. It hurts me whenever I try my hardest to limit my calls, and when I eventually make one, you choose the church over me.

I hate that I feel so abandoned and unimportant on my depressing days, even though you are still trying your best to comfort me, and I feel envious of the power of your laughter; the kind that echoes years of golden adventures, because I’m still alone and I am still poor and I am still weak and reliant on others. You are a constant reminder of how I should be. Your life is a painful vision of what mine could be like.

Words: Ejay Diwas

Art: Lisk Feng

[shortnsweetgf]

honestly just share whatever you feel comfortable with and if you feel it will be beneficial to get it off your chest <3 but i understand it's tricky not wanting to overload people online with your problems

about your mom, i respect your choice if it doesn't seem like a good time. but reach out if you really need help!

i'm alright. i have a headache and i'm a bit tired because there was a fire drill in my college at 6:40am and i couldn't sleep afterwards :/

i really hope you're ok <3 take time to focus on yourself and work out what you need. also i don't mean to be intrusive into your personal issues, just here to let you know you're cared about

-🦕

okay i’ll do that after the cut feel free to ignore that part <3

oh noooo i hope you feel better soon and get to sleep well tonight!!!!

thank you dear <3 that does mean a lot

okay so basically. my aunt got diagnosed with a self immune disease and it’s getting worse and she’s been depressed and her relationship with my grandma is not the best and my grandma doesn’t deal well with her disease so my mom (aunt’s older sister) took it as her job to take care of her. my cousin just moved away to a whole other country for college which is making my aunt worse and my sister also moved away to another country which is making my mom worse so there’s that with my mom.

and as for me: i fucking hate my job so much. i tried quitting a few months ago but they basically didn’t let me so i’ve stayed and now i can’t quit until i find a new job bc if i do my dad will say shit about me being unemployed. except i don’t know what i want to work with, i kinda wanna become a teacher but for that i’d need to do 4 more years of college which i really don’t want to do so i’m stuck in a job that i hate because i have no energy to look for a new job. and that’s messing with my health, i’ve been having really bad headaches and felt dizzy alllll the time and then i can’t eat and keep fainting, it’s a whole thing. i also have a disease that makes it really hard to breathe but it was supposed to be better now bc i did a surgery last year and 8 months of physical therapy to be able to breathe and it did get better for a while but now it’s really bad again and i’m scared of telling my mom that it’s bad again bc of the whole thing up there.

and then bc of all of that i’m too weak to fight the bad thoughts so my head keep convincing me i’m unimportant and that my friends don’t care about me and that no one would notice if i disappeared which makes me want to isolate myself and like i know that’s not true but it’s hard to fight it. and then the depression is back and i’m unhappy and nothing makes me happy not even watching my comfort shows and i don’t really feel anything at all? i’m so numb. all the time. it’s exhaustive.

you really don’t have to reply to all that btw it’s just nice to get it all out

[keefwho]

December 31 - 2022

9:36 AM

I slept in an hour to help make up for last night. I’m still tired but I guess I feel okay. I don’t know what I want to do today. Probably nothing creative. I kinda feel like doing literally anything as long as I pass the time. I just don’t want to stress about anything right now. Tomorrow I have yearly finance stuff to do and then it’s back to commissions like usual. I’m still being soy about getting commissions done. I can never do it on time and sometimes I don’t even do the whole 2 hours. I WILL do the whole 2 hours if I have to but if I get any amount ahead I tend to slack. There is no solution to this other than buckling down and getting it done. It sucks that it feels this big struggle I have to look forward to every day but it should get better. I used to feel like that about my anxiety too but I’ve made so much progress from when I first started doing something about it. 

11:17 AM

I’m sad that I tend to document sad times more than happy times. It’s because I want someone to reach out and help but that is never healthy for me to expect. Most of the time it makes me MORE sad because people either don’t take the hint or don’t think it’s their place to intervene. It’s not realistic of me to expect anyone to both know I’m sad and care enough to help. But I hate suffering in silence. Its probably for the best though. I’ll try to tone back the negative posting and focus on positive things more. I know myself in the future will appreciate looking back and reading about the things I enjoyed rather than only my troubles. 

The only thing I’ve enjoyed this morning is getting cozy and watching Bluey. I might lay in bed and watch other things, or play Earthbound maybe. Its a good day to pour hours into a game.

3:34 PM

Maybe for every negative thing I have to talk about, I can bring up something positive too. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about myself and how I behave in relationships in general. I know I mold myself around others a lot, maybe too much. It’s hard to understand when I should stop fitting to them and let them fit to me. I have noticed that most of my friendships in the past can end up one sided. I give in too much doing whatever they want to do but seldom do they make the same sacrifice for me. I always do it out of kindness and I honestly enjoy taking part in other people’s interests. It hurts when whatever I want to do is frequently declined. At this point I think I’ve stopped bothering even considering it. I completely forget that doing what I want to do with others is even an options. It’s why I end up playing singleplayer games only. My brain has learned my interests must not be compatibly with basically anyone. I know thats not true but this is how I’ve become molded by experience. Its really hard to break out of mental beliefs like this. This one is very deeply engrained. 

I guess I’m also not sure who I am as an individual either because of this. Deep down I feel like I shouldn’t try to be myself because it clearly hasn’t work very well in the past. I’ve become aware of this and have been trying to figure out what I truly desire but it’s been a rocky path. I still really don’t know. 

On a positive note, my tummy isn’t acting up and I’ve been keeping myself busy working on this present. At first I projected that if I focused on only doing it today, I might actually be able to get it mostly done. That might have been realistic but I had to shower and eat and today is a good day to have mom try to scan me again. No matter what, my goal right now is to keep doing something so I don’t get trapped in my own head anymore. I guess this isn’t very positive but I feel like I’m in mental survival mode. Like if I don’t get to the bottom of what is causing me anguish, I will break down again eventually. 

7:11 PM

I’ve been depressed as fuck all day and of course now my tummy is acting up. I felt super okay all day now all of the sudden I’m in pain. It’ll probably just pass in a little bit but still. What the fuck. I really don’t want to be alive right now. No drink for me tonight I guess.

This seems unlikely to me but I was researching if vitamins can upset your stomach and there is a special kind of sugar they use that fucks with certain people. The vitamins I take have that sugar and I’m wondering if it could be contributing to my issues. I have noticed that for that week-ish period of my tummy being consistently abnormal, I was especially diligent about taking my vitamins. And the past few days which have been much more normal, I stopped taking them. I don’t know if it would kick in this fast but I had a vitamin with my lunch a few hours ago and now my stomach is hurting. I’m going to stop taking the vitamins for awhile. 

12:11 AM

I still don’t know why I get sad like this. I guess everything I’m unhappy about in my life all comes crashing down at once every now and then. It’s all too much to handle or chip away at so I get overwhelmed. 

In my pain I find my values, and as weird as it is to admit, I value love. I want love. I want to commit and be committed to. 

I want to believe my friends think about me as much as I think about them. I want to believe they would care if they didn’t hear from me for awhile, instead of forgetting me and moving on. 

I want to feel welcome and included which I can only do if I improve my empathy. 

I want to feel like I have a purpose. I need something to do that makes an impact to others. 

I want to be bold enough to take the time to do things I actually want to do instead of trying to “save energy” or put them off until later. 

These are the things I can think of that would make me immediately happy. I’m sad that I’m lacking in these things. Soon I’ll go back to masking it and being generally functional but until I meet these kinds of requirements, I’ll likely keep plummeting into fits of depression. 

I don’t have anything positive to say. I’m sad and I’ve been sad all day. I’m extremely worried about the future. I’m so fucking upset I spent today alone. I feel like a total loser. This is the kind of thing that makes me feel like I’m not cared for. No one invited me to anything. No one was around when I went asking. I’m just all by myself. 

[jointimeandspace]

Hey y'all! So this is my second headcannon. I may make this a part 2 if the moment strikes or I have some ideas. But I hope you enjoy. *Edit: I just wanna say I was definitely inspired by @KathyIsWeird on AO3. Check out their story "Teach Me Tonight." It made me feel so happy, especially as a chubby person myself.

First Night (pt.1?)

It was a cloudy night as you sat on the large bed while looking out the window. The silence of the room was quiet, but not uncomfortable. It was also warm and peaceful; an orange tint bounced of the walls that were created from the fire. You were nervous. It was you first time making love with Alcina. As you stared around the room your poor stomach was in knots. What if you vomited, or fainted? You'd be so embarrassed. As much as you wanted to run away, you couldn't. You pulled the sheets around you trying to steady your nerves. The deep breath you took was so shaky and loud that you could've sworn everyone in the castle heard it, but you wanted this moment to happen, and waited for it for a long time. When you first started working at the castle, all you wanted to do was work long enough just to save up enough money to leave the village. Falling in love was the last thing you needed. At first you thought love was just a set back to your goals, but you soon found out the lady of the house felt the same way. There'd be times in the beginning when you'd catch her looking at you when she thought she was being subtle about it, wondering what was reeling through your mind when you saw her. It made you uncomfortable at first. As time went on you eventually started noticing her as well. Her pale skin with a tint of gray underneath, her beautiful full, red lips, her gray-green eyes, everything about her was ethereal. To know she wanted you, a chubby, insecure girl with glasses was almost shocking. You've always remained in the background, minding your business and doing your chores, trying not get in trouble so you won't get sent to the dungeons. You were flattered. "She clearly, must've seen something in me that I didn't and still don't see," you said to yourself.

"And so I do."

You jumped as your breath hitched in your throat. For someone as enormous as her she was awfully quiet. You stared at her wondering if she was real or not. Alcina emerged from the bathroom wearing a dark purple robe with a very prominent low cut center. She smelled of fresh gardenias and her raven hair was out of her famous bun and down to her shoulders. She looked like an angel.

"You look...divine, Alcina!"

She smiled as she walked over to her vanity to pour herself a glass of wine. "Thank you, pet! Not half as divine as you. You look so pretty in that pink negligee. You know, you should really wear more clothes that inhance those soft, sweet curves of yours," she said as she took a swig of wine. She turned her eyes at you. There was a hint of love in those eyes along with something else. They darkened as she looked you up and down. You sometimes forget she is predatory by nature. What she wants, she gets. Tonight, she gets you.

"Um, I'll try. I look in a few catalogs tomorrow. Whatever looks right I'll show you."

"Wonderful! What's on your mind, dear? I can see the gears rotating in that cute head of yours." Alcina moved over to the bed and sat on the edge. "Are you nervous, draga?"

"More than you ever know. I've never been with someone before. Sure I've had...moments with myself, but even those were awkward," you sighed. You scooted down on the bed to lay back on your pillow, looking up at the ceiling. " I felt good for a second, but I never finished. I've been close though, even though I wasn't sure what I was doing was right." You turned over on your side embarrassed.

Alcina chuckled as she stroked your leg. "Draga, there isn't only a singular way to pleasure yourself. If what you did felt good, then continue doing it. As for finishing, sometimes an orgasm shouldn't always be the end goal. If it happens, then that's all good and well. However, the more you focus on it, the harder it'll be to get there. The best feeling is to let the activity flow naturally. Do you understand?"

You turned to look at her. That was easy for her to say as she was more experienced. Over decades of practice and maybe even more to come. You felt, even though you wouldn't admit it, that your time was limited.

"I know, Alci, but I...." Anxiety was creeping in as you've never had such an in depth conversation about this with anyone, but you mustered up the courage to continue. "I just want to know what it would feel like. For so long I was convinced that I wouldn't meet anyone, and so I thought that the only way to make me feel better about...potentially being single for the rest of my life was to try to achieve orgasm, and when I didn't get there I'd be frustrated. Like I said, I felt good, but incomplete. Now that I've met you, I really wished I could've had one. At least I would've entered in this relationship having an inkling on what to do." Tears spilled from your eyes. Alcina grab her handkerchief from her robe pocket and wiped your face as she positioned herself along the headboard. She pulled you into her lap cuddling you until you calmed down. She hated to see you cry. To her sex was a simple, easy thing to pick up. But she had to remember that this was your first time. You told her at the beginning of your relationship that you wanted their first time to be meaningful. Alcina hummed and thought back to her wedding night. It was awful! The lack of communication made her feel jaded, the belittling her husband did to her made her feel dirty, and nothing was consensual at all. She kissed the top of your head.

"This is stupid, Alci! You probably think I'm a mess right now. I've often been told that nobody wants to be with virgins. We're too this, too that, too emotional, too clingy. I could go on forever...."

"Don't, love. I know how you're feeling. My first time, or any other time after that during my marriage, wasn't pleasant. I was told the same things by my husband and he took matters into his own hands. But you? I'll never do to you what he did to me; made me feel, small, useless, unimportant, unworthy, and an idiot for not knowing what I was doing. A nuisance, I was to him. And he made that known. If I didn't know what I was doing, he was going to find someone else who did. It hurt! A partner is supposed to teach and help you. Your feelings are heard and so valid. Those people that told you all that nonsense remind me of that horrid man. Of course they're having sex, but do you know if they are truly happy?" You looked up at her. You didn't know. People always talked about how much they were getting, but you didn't know their struggles aside from them bedding each other. What if their relationship was one sided? What if it was fulfillment for one and meaningless for the other? Comparison is the thief of joy you always heard.

"Sex doesn't always equate to happiness, love. It's better to be alone than to jump from one relationship to another wondering if what you feel is happiness or emptiness. Sometimes sex is used as a coping method, a random stop along this road called life with no real feeling involved. For some, it may not bother them at all and they continue where they left off. For others, it can make them feel drained and tired, and then that emptiness and depression comes creeping back again when they find out it wasn't truly love. I'm not judging you for waiting, so please don't feel bad. I wouldn't have judged you if you didn't. You would've had experience, but even then boundaries would still need to be set just like now."

Your grip around Alcina tightened. You felt as though a weight was lifted off your shoulders. You have no idea how she has so much patience, but your glad she does. "Thank you, Alci! I guess that makes me feel a little better. I was wondering if, maybe not tonight, but soon, could we try again?

"Of course darling! Whatever you want." She smiled and gave you soft kiss. "Sweetie? When the time comes, you'll find I can be a most wonderful teacher. I want to make you feel so good." Her hand trailed down to your bottom and a rush of electricity sent shivers through your body. Alcina chuckled as she gave you a dazzling smile. "We'll have to practice everyday, draga."

"Well, then professor, I can't wait to start our lessons. I want to know EVERYTHING!" You giggled and gave her another playful kiss. You were so lucky to have someone so caring and understanding as Alcina. You know your first time will be magical when it eventually comes.

[pedros-mustache]

the rising sun

summary: “be still, sad heart! and cease repining / behind the clouds the sun is still shining.” — henry wadsworth longfellow

word count: 2.8k

warnings: angst, discussion of depression/anxiety, general not-so-happy tone to the whole thing, some fluff thrown in there for good measure

a/n: to be honest, i almost didn’t post this. i’ve not been doing well the last week, and this fic is pretty indicative of my current mental state. i decided to upload it despite my reservations and embarrassment on the hope that this might give someone struggling just like a me a moment of peace. xoxo. ❤️

it’s raining when marcus comes home.

you sit on the living room’s padded window seat, plush blanket tangled around your legs, forehead pressed against the chill windowpane at your side. bloated raindrops slide down the glass, and you watch, halfheartedly willing one raindrop to reach the lip of the window before another. 

the narrow street below your window is empty. puddles gather on the red brick sidewalks, and the birch trees planted in small earthen squares along the road tremble with each sharp gust of rainy wind. it’s cold out. you can feel the chill through the window, but you don’t pull away.

you hear the front door shut and marcus toe his shoes off. his keys jingle as they drop to the catch-all bowl on the foyer table, and then he’s hurrying into the kitchen, shouting as he goes. you can’t see him from where you sit, but his voice carries through the small apartment. you blame the high ceilings and exposed brick walls. sound travels too easily in this space, and sometimes it's too much for you to bear. you sink lower on the window seat, shutting your eyes against the sound of his voice.

“hey! sorry i’m late. there was this—this thing at work, and then i had to get the groceries, but then i forgot about dinner—” he sighs heavily, places something on the kitchen island that crinkles. “whatever, it doesn’t matter. i’m home. d’you have a good day?”

you huff in response. the sound gets trapped in the blanket wrapped tight around your shoulders.

“i got chinese.” 

he’s close now, his voice dropped to an even timbre. you can feel him, feel the sudden shift of his mood when he enters the living room and sees you, curled up on the window seat like a pillbug caught in a storm. where he was unruffled before, on the verge of relaxing after a long day of work, he is now worried, concern rolling off him in crashing waves. 

you hate that you do this to him. 

“you okay, bug?”

opening your eyes, you tilt your head over your shoulder to look at him. you manage a weary smile, wavering around the edges, entirely unconvincing and pathetic. “mhm. just tired ‘s all. long day.”

marcus’s brow pinches. he puts his hands in his pockets, and the jacket around his shoulders tightens with the movement. “you’ve been tired a lot the last few days,” he says. his words are slow, calculated, like he’s dancing around the point.

you shrug, dancing around the point with him, a slow-footed, wary sort of dance. “i guess.” 

“are you sure you—” he stops talking, removes a hand from his pockets, drags his thumb over his lower lip as he stares at you. his brown eyes are warm, and his stare is intense. it’s as if he’s trying to peel back all of your layers with his eyes alone, each bat of his long eyelashes another layer closer to the most vulnerable places of your heart.

you sit up, suddenly nervous under his scrutinizing gaze. frowning, you brush a stray lock of hair away from your face, teeth tugging at your lower lip. “what? what are you staring at me for?” there’s more than a bite to your tone, and you wince at the harsh sound of your voice. 

he doesn’t deserve that.

turning your face away, you return your gaze to the puddle third from left of your front tire. it’s grown bigger, and your car’s reflection seems to flutter as wind pushes across the top of the pool of water.

“can i sit?”

you look from marcus to his outstretched hand to the empty space across from you on the seat. after your timid nod, he sits with another heavy sigh, his second of the night. you wonder how often you are the one to make him sigh like that.

he leans his head against the wall and watches as a bird swoops down from the roof ledge to a tree across the street. he sits in an awkward sort of fold, his legs too long to sit comfortably on the seat with you there as well. twisted at the waist, legs stretched to the side, he folds his hands in his lap and inhales deeply then exhales through his mouth.

your face softens as you wait for him to speak. you inhale too, mirroring the slow rise and fall of his chest with deep breathing of your own. the panic that’s gripped you all day begins to ebb. the blurry edges of your vision clears, and he comes into focus. for a moment, you allow yourself to study the lines of his neck, his sun-kissed skin, and strong jaw. he’s solid and firm in all the places you are not—physically, mentally, emotionally. 

your chest tightens again at the thought.

he shifts his gaze away from the cramped georgetown street. “you forget to breathe when you’re anxious.”

ducking your head, you nod. “i know.” with a sigh of your own, you meet his eyes through the tops of your lashes. “i’m sorry.”

“why are you apologizing?”

“well, i don’t… i mean—” you shake your head, caught off guard by his question and the earnest look on his face. why does he have to look at you like that? so open and honest and caring? he shouldn’t look at you like that, not when you’re like this. 

you study your knees, pushed tight against your chest. there’s a frayed thread on your pant leg. you pluck it off and drop it to the side. finally, you say, “i’ve been off the last few days, haven’t really been myself. i know i’m not fun when i’m like this…”

“not fun?” marcus scoffs as though offended, and your head snaps up to level him a glare. registering the look on your face, he lifts his hands in surrender. “wait a second—i wasn’t making fun. i just—” he tilts his head to the side. “baby, you don’t have to be fun all the time.”

your shoulders sag. you look away. you can’t look at him too long. he’s too good to you.

in the year and a half you’ve been with marcus, you’ve had your bad days. they come and go. you’ve taken to comparing your bad days to the ice-cream truck which wanders through your neighborhood from time to time. it’s never consistent, always appearing out of the blue after an extended absence, looking more and more worn down upon each new arrival. your bad days are like the neighborhood ice-cream truck.

marcus has seen you in your anxious moments: the afternoons where it hits you and suddenly you can’t breathe or think clearly and everything feels topsy-turvy. those moments you can handle yourself. you know what to do and how to bounce back without causing too much of a fuss.

he’s seen you in your depressed moments too: the evenings where all you want to do is curl in bed and never leave, your thoughts a swirling mess of perceived rejection and bleakness and despair. those moments you prefer to work through on your own, though he makes it abundantly clear he’s only an arm’s reach away. still, you know what to do and how to bounce back without causing too much of a fuss.

you don’t like to cause a fuss.

this week, though—fuck, this week has been bad, and you both know it.

from the moment you wake, it starts: muscle-gripping fear, racing heart, dry mouth, and weary limbs. you stumble through your morning routine, pushing it all down, down, down because you have to go to work. you have to do your job. life doesn’t stop just because you’re anxious.  

when you come home in the afternoons, the bed is waiting, cold and unmade. you sleep—sleep the worry away and the fatigue away. it’s all you can do to be ready for marcus to return from the city. he doesn’t need to see you like this, a lump of trembling hands and bone-deep exhaustion. 

this isn’t what he signed up for. 

for a week you’ve been hanging on by a thread, shoving him and everyone else in your path away because it’s what’s easiest. you can take care of yourself. no one needs the added weight of caring for you, least of all marcus. if you opened the door, let him have a peek inside, he’d know, he’d see—it’s too much. it’s better if you keep this part of yourself to yourself.

“bug?”

you pull your face away from your elbow. “yeah?”

“come here.” he opens his arms, and it’s an invitation you cannot decline. 

the transition from your side of the window seat to his is awkward. it’s a tangle of arms and legs in the narrow space, an elbow against his stomach, a grunt of pain, and a hurried whisper of apology. when you settle your back against his chest, his warmth pushes through the chill clinging to your skin. you’ve been sitting by the window too long. you turn your face to press your cheek against his shoulder, winding both of your arms around his bicep. you squeeze tight, inhaling his cologne and the raindrops still clinging to his jacket. 

“there.” his chest rumbles beneath you when he speaks. “that’s better.” 

“marcus, i—” 

he shushes you with a gentle whisper. “hold on. just breathe with me, okay?”

you swallow past the lump in your throat and nod against his arm.

inhale, exhale—you follow his lead.

your eyes drift shut. he feels good, safe and steady. 

unbidden, tears prick your eyes, and you are powerless to stop them. you push your face further against his arm to stem the sudden flow of tears. the taste of salt floods your mouth, and you sniff hard, dragging the back of one hand across your cheeks. marcus doesn’t say anything. he just drags his hand over your hair, his own cheek pressed to the crown of your head. he holds you tight, and you surrender to the weight of his arms around you, his body pressed against yours.

when the tears stop, you sit up to wipe your face. marcus drops his hand from your head to your back. his touch is smooth and gentle, and you laugh against the ridiculousness of it all.

“i’m sorry,” you say, dragging your sleeve under your nose. “i know you didn’t come home anticipating this.”

marcus is quiet for a moment. his palm spreads across the width of your lower back. you can feel the warmth of his skin perimate the thin cotton of your sleep shirt. “baby?” you turn your face to him. “you gotta stop apologizing.”

you swallow hard with a nod. “yeah, i know. i’m so—” he quirks an eyebrow, and you laugh despite yourself. “you’re right.”

“come here,” he says again. “lean back.”

you do as you're told, your head nestled against his shoulder. he slides his hands down your arms, a slow drag, until he can fit his fingers between yours and squeeze. he kisses your temple, and the hair on his cheek tickles your skin.

“i love you,” he whispers.

you smile—a genuine smile, small as it is. 

inhaling deeply, you decide to lay it all on the table. you love marcus. if he ever asked, you’d marry him in a heartbeat. but you’re tired of running from him when all he’s ever done is proven himself to be a gentleman with a heart of solid gold. he deserves to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but it. even if it drives him away in the end.

“when i was a freshman in college,” you start, shifting your back against his chest. “i dated this guy. we were together for only a few months, but he was a real asshole.” the way marcus stiffens behind you, his arms tightening reflexively around your middle, warms your cheeks. his subtle display of protectiveness emboldens your story, and you continue with a clearer voice.

“i was really anxious back then, like every day. it was a constant battle between myself and my anxiety, and he hated it. one night we were on the phone and i was telling him about my day and he got really quiet and then he told me, ‘i can’t deal with your anxiety. it’s too much.’ i’ve never forgotten that.”

when marcus says nothing in response, you twist to face him, laying your hand flat against his chest. you can feel his heartbeat beneath your palm. it beats fast, a hurried gallop in his chest. his eyes dart back and forth between yours, his lips parted in something akin to shock. you don’t give him a chance to speak before you continue.

“marcus? please—please tell me you can deal with it. i don’t know what i’d do if you couldn’t.”

marcus’s face crumbles. with tears welling in his eyes, he lifts his hands to cup your face. “oh my god, baby,” he breathes, rolling his forehead over yours. “i’m so sorry.”

he kisses you. it’s short and sweet and perhaps another thread in his apology. you grip his wrist, holding him tight, willing him to stay—stay with you now and forever, until the sun no longer shines and the earth vanishes to dust. 

when you break apart, he skims his thumbs over the apples of your cheeks. “what a fucking loser,” he says, and you laugh, tossing your head back at the sheer vitriol lacing his words. it’s not often marcus gets angry. to see a red flush on his cheeks and frustration in his brow, all over some guy you haven’t thought about in years, it makes your heart flutter in the best possible way. “no, i mean it! god, what an asshole.” 

he sucks in a breath and catches your eyes. his thumb and forefinger move to grip your chin, a gentle hold but one that leaves you powerless to ignore anything he’s about to say. you steel yourself, lungs tight with anticipation.

“it—this—you.” he shakes his head. “it’s not something i deal with. i don’t deal with it. do you hear me? say you do.”

eyes misty, you nod. “i do. i hear you, marcus.”

“i want to take care of you. that’s why we’re together. we’re a team. teammates rely on one another—”

“marcus, i don’t watch sports.”

he smirks. “just humor me.” releasing his hold on your chin, he smooths his hand down the side of your face. “i want to help you. you don’t need to carry this all by yourself.”

“i just thought that—”

“look, all guys are idiots. if you’re feeling some type of way, you gotta tell me. i can’t read minds. but all guys aren’t assholes. i want to help you.”

you cover the hand on your cheek with your fingers and nuzzle your nose against his palm. “i love you.” 

“i love you more. really, i do. more than the stars in the sky and all the—”

you pull your face away with a grimace, holding up your hand to stop him. “okay, please, that’s too much. too sweet, too schmaltzy. try and preserve some of your dignity.” 

marcus laughs, a deep, hearty sound that warms you to the center of your being. he winds an arm around the small of your back to draw you close, his lips descending to the curve of your neck. he peppers your skin with kisses—warm ones, wet ones, gentle ones—until you push at his shoulders. he drops back against the wall, chest heaving and eyes glistening with mirth.

you catch your lower lip in your teeth and shake your head. “you hopeless romantic you.”

“guilty as charged.” 

sliding out from between his legs, you drop to the floor. “you said you got chinese?”

“yeah, but it might be a little cold by now.”

you offer him your hand. “that’s okay. i’m hungry.”

marcus slides his fingers between yours. “i’ll warm it up then.”

as he leads you to the kitchen, your bare feet padding behind his socked ones, you catch a glimpse of the world outside. it’s no longer raining. the clouds have parted, revealing a bright sun. the sun’s rays drench the street in the warm glow of sunset, all orange and pale yellow and dusky red. you smile and lean against marcus’s arm as he sets about warming dinner in the microwave. he follows your eyeline to the window and throws an arm around your shoulders.

“do you want to go on a walk after dinner?”

looking up, you grin. “yeah, that would be nice.”

“the rain never stays forever.”

he’s not talking about the weather, and you both know it. you squeeze his hand.

“no, i guess it doesn’t.”

[xseaxwitchxkpop]

Bad Body Image Day

Howdy! I've struggling lately with body image issues and figured I'd make a little comfort reaction for Ateez; I know this has been done to death, but I personally never tire of seeing it, especially because so many people have different ideas about how the members would react. Anyway, without further ado! Also there is more of a focus on a plussize!reader in this because I myself am plus size, but that is not to say that my thinner peeps can’t have insecurities!

Disclaimer: I, in no way, personally know any of the ateezers, so take this with a grain of salt -- or don’t, I’m not one to tell you what to do lol

---------------------------------

Hongjoong

I can see him being a little angry, ngl -- no one hurts his baby, not even his baby

he’d ask why you felt that way, if anything triggered it like clothing not fitting right, scrolling through social media too much, looking at yourself in the mirror a little too hard

he’d spend the night with you at your place and cover all the mirrors in your place (yes, even the bathroom) so you wouldn’t have to catch a glimpse of yourself accidentally

make it point to shower you in praise, reminding you that you are more than your body

would also make a point to compliment your body anyways, pointing out everything you hate and saying he loves them because the are a part of you and he has phenomenal taste in his partners, thank you very much

Seonghwa

this man is too perceptive to not notice your depressive mood

might want to take some pictures together with some cute cat filters, but he knows what’s wrong the moment you decline

turns his phone to do not disturb and pulls you into his lap

honestly is sad that you don’t see yourself the way he sees you: gorgeous, stunning, beautiful, and perfect

peppers your face with kisses in an effort to make your fell better but that just ends in you crying

he then just holds you and rubs your back in soothing motions, whispering assurances in your ear

Yunho

does literally everything in his power to cheer you up

pounces on you from behind and folds you over like a blanket

tickles you in your most ticklish spots and following that up with kisses

would definitely force you to watch your favorite comfort shows as you forces you yo sit on his lap or lay against his chest

he may even force you to focus on him and by that I mean he’d ask you to do his makeup and tell you to take your time with it (gives him an excuse to stare at you and love you and tell you all the things he loves about you without you running away or shutting him up)

Yeosang

if you don’t know how to skateboard or use roller skates/roller blades, etc., he’d take you on a walk with him; if you do know how to do any of those things, he’d take out his skateboard and you’d skate next to each other

he’s a very quiet person, so I suspect he’d catch you body checking in the mirror or fidgeting with your clothes more than usual or looking over your shoulder at social media at see you looking at “prettier” people

if you can fit into his hoodies, he’d give you one with the excuse that you “looked cold,” regardless of the weather; if you can’t, he’d give you a plushie that was wearing one of his beanies (sprayed with his cologne) to cuddle with or squeeze if you don’t feel like being touched or he’d grab the blanket from his bed and wrap the both of you in a giant burrito on the bed or couch if you don’t mind being touched

basically he’d give you something of his to remind you that he is here for you, he isn’t going anywhere, and you are the most beautiful person to him (he comes off as more “action” than “words” for his displays of love, but I could be wrong lol)

would probably also offer to perform a roasting session just for you about the other members or any other mutual friends the two of you had

may even draw hehetmon comic strips in cute situations to cheer you up a little

San

cuddle monster activated

this man’s love language, or one of his love languages, is very clearly physical affection, or skinship, so be prepared to not leave the couch or the bed

again, another observant member, so he caught you doing something like Yeosang did

another one to force you to watch your comfort movies or cartoons

the bed or couch or just be an absolute mess of blankets, plushies, and pillows to help you feel safe and loved

he’d have your favorite snacks on deck, but if you don’t feel like eating, that’s okay, too, he’d have your favorite drinks -- you can argue against food, but you’re not arguing against the drinks, he won’t allow you to forgo both, it’s one or the other lol

instead of you leaning on him, he’d lean on you

you would probably be on your side or something, but he would make sure he could use your tummy as a pillow and your thighs as stress balls

he’d be a sneaky bastard and try to sneak kisses on your insecure spots -- his level of success is dependent on how much you’re paying attention to whatever he’s doing and your determination to fight him

however will respect any boundaries you lay out to him, even if it disheartens him to some degree

Mingi

he’s an extremely empathetic person and probably really good at reading people, so he probably knows before you do on a conscious level

cute faces? you got it! ridiculous antics? of course! telling you fantastical stories he makes up on the spot? absolutely!

if he happens to be going to the studio that day, he brings you along so you don’t have to be alone with your thoughts if you’re not working that day

he would show you either the mixtape he’s working on (I know for a FACT that man is currently sitting on a fire mixtape or is at least working on one) and/or give you a sneak peek into what the music might be for the group’s next comeback

I can see him wanting to take a shower with you, nothing sexual

he’d want to bathe you to show you that he genuinely finds you gorgeous and is more than elated that you are his and his only

Wooyoung

he’d another whose love language is skinship, so definitely cuddles from this one as well

kisses on your face every five seconds with “I love you”s thrown in

would offer to cook your favorite dish or one of your comfort dishes

another one with antics up his sleeve

he’d tone down his usual teasing or even stop it completely because he loves you and doesn’t want to accidentally say something that would end up making you feel worse

would try to act all cute to make you smile (laughing would make him feel better because he knows than that you are felling better, even if it’s temporary)

might invite you to join him in brainstorming pranks to play on the other members

Jongho

“want me to break this apple?” // “no, Jongho, I will not be entertained by you breaking an apple for the millionth time.” // “yes, you will.” *breaks the apple*

“part of the fun of breaking the apple is you getting annoyed.”

he does this in good fun because he thinks your annoyance is genuinely funny to him

while he’s not too much into skinship, he’d be more than happy to give you all the hugs and cuddles in the world to make you feel better while he hums or softly sings to you

probably drags you to the convenience store or a restaurant and buys you food, even if you protest with whatever insecurities you’re feeling at that moment

he doesn’t take no for an answer because having a full tummy even if you don’t want said full tummy always feels good

soft, gentle forehead kisses while holding your face

will offer you piggy rides and will not take no for an answer -- he will argue with you and roll his eyes when you say “I’m too heavy” or something like that

[infinitebells]

love me harder (a. miya)

angst because i felt like it.

“how long are ya gonna to keep this up?” osamu’s voice pulls you out of your own twisted reverie, and your head lazily turns to the side to face him. he knows the smile on your face is fake. he’s seen it a hundred times before, and he’ll see it a hundred times again.

“i don’t know what you’re taking about ‘samu,” you say quietly, shifting your focus back to the sight in front of you. you and osamu were seated on the bleachers in msby’s home stadium, watching the jackals celebrate their division victory. you could see bokuto and hinata jumping up and down with bright smiles plastered across their faces out of the corner of your eye, but only one person has your full attention. well, two.

miya atsumu stands with his arms around your best friend, one hand resting gently on the back of her neck as he presses a soft kiss to her forehead before swooping down to kiss her, opened mouth with a wide smile.

“ya know damn well what i’m talking about,” he murmurs. his voice is softer this time. he knows that being harsh with you won’t bring him anywhere.

“do you think he ever knew?” you turn away from the stomach churning sight to stare at osamu. you always admired how expressive his eyes were, even if his face remained impassive. it was one of the few things, besides their looks, that the mkay twins had in common. and right now, they swirled with pity. you can’t tell if it comforts or disgusts you.

he sighs, a hand running through the messy gray locks atop his head before standing up and holding a hand out to you.

“i’m not sure even you know the extent of your own feelings.”

———

you keep pace with osamu as you two go to the exit for the locker rooms, sitting down on a bench opposite of the door. his hand is on your head, fingers sifting through the strands as a motion of comfort. it’s a bittersweet feeling, knowing the love of your life’s twin is a better person to you than he’ll ever be.

“‘m sorry,” he says after a beat of silence.

“what for?” you turn in his grasp, palm still pressed flat against your head. your heart twists painfully as he smiles that fake smile that you know because it’s the same one you wear when you talk about atsumu.

“that he’s never loved ya the way ya deserve,” he whispers. it’s quiet in the still hallway, but you hear every word nonetheless. the shattering of your heart is muffled when you hear the telltale creak of the door swinging open. the giggles are what you register first, then the two red faces of atsumu and his fiancée. you’d be damned if you didn’t notice the smattering of red and purples bruises that matched across their necks.

“hey guys! thanks for waiting!” atsumu calls out cheerfully, walking over to you and osamu. his hand is tucked tightly against your friend’s, and osamu’s pointer finger rubs gentle circles across your scalp. he doesn’t need to be holding your hand to see how tightly you’re gripping the cold metal of the bench.

“ya’d complain fer days if we didn’t,” osamu scolds, standing up and grabbing your wrist to help you up as well. you’re scarily aware of the fact that every single one of them, your friend included, has at least a few inches on you.

“not true!” atsumu whines, and his fiancée turns to him and smacks the back of his head with her free hand lightly.

“stop whining and be appreciative that they’re here,” she says, before leaning forward to give you a one armed hug.

“it’s so good to see you! i feel like we haven’t talked in ages,” she gushes before pulling away. her hand never left atsumu’s. yours have stayed still at your sides, osamu’s hand still grasping your wrist tightly. you force a smile onto your face, pleased to see that neither her nor atsumu can see behind the mask.

“yeah, sorry, work has really been picking up lately with the end of the quarter coming up,” you explain.

“yeah but we’re yer best friends! ya gotta make time for us somehow,” atsumu pipes in. you’re grateful for the way osamu slides his hand to hold your own. it’s the only thing keeping you from falling apart completely.

“i’m trying,” you say, and your smiles fades a bit. so does atsumu’s.

“well then try harder. ya can’t just go mia until the wedding y’know,” he protests, and osamu clears his throat before speaking again.

“ya can’t hound on someone for workin’ when all yer doin’ these days is volleyball shit,” he says, and you’re thankful that he’s diverted the attention away from you.

“it’s not shit ya asshole! it’s perfection,” he argues, and even you can’t help the small giggle that falls from your mouth. as painful as this is, atsumu never failed at making you smile.

“whatever ya say ya scrub,” osamu says, pushing atsumu’s shoulder with his free hand.

“alright moving on, what’s the plan?” your friend speaks up again, and you’re dreading what happens next.

“dinner at samu’s place!” atsumu says, nudging osamu before speaking again, “because he can bring onigiri!”

“you just talk to me for free food,” osamu deadpans, and atsumu scoffs.

“i do not!”

“do too.”

———

dinner is as expected. hopelessly dreary on your end, mixed with fake smiles and fake laughs. you’re beginning to wonder if this is what your life will be like from now on.

“alright! i have to go home early for my presentation tomorrow so i’ll see you at home baby,” your friend says, leaning down to kiss atsumu’s cheek before turning towards you. “text me this week, we need to have lunch ok?” you nod with a smile, watching as she steps out of the apartment. now it’s just you and atsumu, osamu having run off to the bathroom.

“i feel like we haven’t talked in ages!” he groans, shifting on the couch so that he’s fully facing you. you equally dread yet love the attention.

“sorry, just busy with work and all that,” you say, the smile coming easier this time.

“maybe ya should spend less time at work and spend more time tryin’ to find yerself a boyfriend!” he announces cheerily.

“easier said than done ‘tsumu,” you say, scared he’ll hear the way your voice trembles slightly.

“what’s that supposed ta mean?” of course he can tell when you’re upset. perks of knowing you since high school.

“not really into anyone who’s available right now,” you say loftily, praying to every god in existence that he’ll drop the subject.

“that’s available? ya tryin’ ta say ya got yer eye on someone who’s not?” he scoots closer, grabbing your chin and manually turning your head towards his. the little to no space between you two scares you so much that you can’t help the way you jump back, desperate to get away from him. you’re terrified if you’re that close again then you’ll do something you’ll 100% regret. his eyes widen at your own wide eyes and the look of terror across your face.

“don’t, please,” your voice is shaking now, and he scoots closer again to try and comfort you. you respond by pressing yourself into the arm of the couch as much as you can. you feel like there’s too much space yet not enough between the two of you.

“what’s wrong? did i do something?” his concerned look and worried expression is heartbreaking because you know none of this is his fault, yet you can’t help but be angry at him.

“i figured you’d know after all these years. turns out ‘samu is right though. you really don’t know,” you say, mirthful. his face twists up in confusion.

“what? what don’t i know?” he thankfully stays on his side of the couch this time.

“nothing, it’s fine,” you try to play off the words spoken in a moment of weakness, but you know he won’t accept that.

“it’s not fine because you’re on the verge of tears right now,”

“i already said it’s nothing atsumu, please accept that,”

“no because it’s not nothing!”

“atsumu ple-“

“ITS NOT FUCKING NOTHING WHEN YOU’RE CRYING LIKE THAT!”

“atsumu enough!” osamu’s voice is what shakes you from your state of emotional hell, and you nearly choke on a sob.

“do you know why?” he turns to face his brother. apprehension is painted across osamu’s face.

“it’d be better if you didn’t hear it from me,” he says carefully.

“bullshit just someone tell me what goi-“

“i’m in love with you, you selfish prick!” you sob, the tears falling freely now. it feels as though a dam has broken, and everything you’ve been holding back for years is finally washing across you, painting you in an ugly gray of pure depression. atsumu turns slowly to face you, and you take note of how his eyes are suddenly not as expressive as his brother’s are.

“what?” his voice is quieter than you’ve ever heard.

“i’m not repeating myself because i know you heard. and i’m tired of having to fake everything that comes out of my mouth around you. so this is me baring all of myself because i can’t keep doing this,” you sob out, and you take note of the fact that osamu is conveniently no longer in the living room. “just tell me if you’ve ever felt the same, or even known, because i need some peace of mind,” you please. his silence is all the answer you need. he watches with empty eyes as you stand up, slipping into your shoes.

“please don’t expect me to be at the wedding. i know i’m friends with you both but i can’t take that kind of pain,” you say, tear tracks shining in the low light. for the first time in months, your bittersweet smile doesn’t feel so fake. he scrambled off the couch at that, running to you and grabbing your hand harshly. that’s when you see the unshed shine of tears pooling in his lower lash.

“n-no, ya can’t just not come, w-we’re like family,” his voice is trembling, but it doesn’t come close to how hard your hands are shaking in his own.

“that’s why i can’t come. because i’ll always be family to you,” you say softly before slipping out of his grasp and into the hallway. osamu’s apartment door closes with a soft thud behind you. as you walk to the elevators, you’re keenly aware of how numb everything feels.

———

five months later you’re scrolling through facebook, legs propped up on osamu’s. the pictures from atsumu’s wedding are plastered all across the app, and his smile has never looked brighter before.

you tap the like button without thinking, before shutting your phone off and closing your eyes. your head leans back into the arm of the couch, and the ache in your heart throbs in time with your heartbeat.