#whatever I have chores to do
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NGL I hate the feeling of being in a fandom and having a hc that you implement in a lot of your fan works, and then another artist has a very similar concept to what you're doing (which is 100% fine) but this artist is far more popular and you just know in your gut everyone is going to talk like they invented the thing while you've already been using it for three years.
#scribs speaks#like obvs I don't OWN the concepts#and actually it's really cool to see other people adapting it to their own works#but idk#it just sucks ass to be doing something and then someone comes along almost doing the same thing#but ofc it takes off#whatever I have chores to do#and I'll hopefully be done making stuff for this fandom this year anyway#to clarify it's less 'actually i'm the master on this concept so everyone has to refer to mine'#and more just 'man I wish a few people would acknowledge this idea isn't new'#also know it in my gut because this has happened before#gnaws on metal
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finally trying my hand at a khura'inese outfit for apollo... i definitely wanted to give him the spare coat in dhurke's office but i might redesign it later
#ace attorney#satsuhart#spirit of justice#apollo justice#nahyuta sahdmadhi#i think its nice... apollo's accent colour is usually turquoise (tie colour) so it fits him#but i also kinda want him to have his own distinct style that's different from dhurke's... decisions decisions#anyway i like to think nahyuta and apollo settle petty arguments in court and also how to decide who does household chores or. whatever#(apollo voice) i don't care if you're regent you're going to do the damn dishes
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im struggling bc i most likely wont ever draw all of that
and probably wont even draw any of that
so I want you to struggle with me :]
#dungeon meshi#tho mb ill doodle one of them idk#a story as old as world - of an artist having too many ideas#like i also have oc ideas too...#and work and chores to do#and job hunting#whatever#my art
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indeed my exact process once every 8 months or so
#I just thought today of a new way to format a 'profile' (like the descriptions of self that people use on friend meeting#apps and stuff) and how to organize the sections so that it seems such and such a way and oh what if there's links which click off#into branching paths so it's very acessible and there are two different forms depending on so on and so forth#and i was like 'um.. wow. amazing idea. this will be soooo aweseome and will definitely work' but then .. you know...self reflection#lol.. is this just like the millions of other iterations of a similar thing? No.. This Is Different ... Surely...#Though if I had a millionaire friend and a few people who do the type of coding you use for web design stuff and etc..#I could create the most elaborate detailed and amazing platonic friend seeking (and I guess you could also have 'dating' as an option#since that would draw in more of a crowd) website on the earth.. the new okcupid (back when okcupid didn't suckishly abandon their#whole format in hopes of trying to become just like tinder or whatever and they actually had like tons of info and percentages and#open answer questions and would list personality traits on a profile (like 'this person is more Open To New Expereinces than 65% of#other users' etc.). etc. etc. Oh what a beautiful thing I could craft for the detail freaks of the world.... Alas...#unfortunately we seem to be in an oversimplification era.. everything in short quick bites. everything on a tiny phone screen. etc.#marketing 'Introducing The Most Complicated Data Heavy Social Connection Site In The World' would not sell well I'd imagine gjhgjh#AANYWAY.. also no idea why the representation of me is in a turtle neck. what a bold fashion choice..#In another moment of self reflection.. the fact that in the first tag on this post I felt the need to define the word 'profile' just to be#specific as if people couldn't tell from context.. so clearly someone who finds filling out forms a 'fun afternoon activity' lol#the type of guy who finds psych evaluations and pop quizzes and making chore lists mostly enjoyable (< true)
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i can't believe you have to eat every single day like wdym i just did that yesterday???????????????????????
#not to mention you're supposed to do it multiple times a day#HOWWWWWWW#LITERALLY HOWWWWWWWWWWWWW#it's such a big chore#task#whatever#it's fucking ridiculous#and it's not like i don't want to eat#i love food#i just forget#aaaaaaand most of the time it's incredibly hard to even decide on what to eat .#and then there is ofc the fact that you have to MAKE the food#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we mustn't forget the good old Appetite Loss either#isn't living like so fun you guys#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#anyway where is papa toji i KNOWWWWW he can cook some good fucking meals#very simple meals but that's literally what i like okay#he just makes some ramen and it's thee best fucking ramen you'v ever had#mayor of loserville#tw eating issues#oh btw if anybody thinks that i should use some other tw's on this then let me know i never know which ones to add
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this might be an unpopular opinion but i’d rather have a full agnes of westview spinoff than only get more future agatha as a mentor/sidekick to billy and tommy
#i just struggle so hard with teen centered stories and found him especially infuriating the whole time#and mostly after his reveal too#it just already feels like a chore to watch whatever is next just for a couple minutes of agatha#who probably will become fairly one note from the writers because there ‘won’t be time’ to do more with her#which is also why i wish we had gotten a little more of the backstory now because i just don’t trust that there’s room for it because agatha#was never meant to be her own thing in the greater mcu. she was used as a stepping stone and even tho she’s popular they’ll just ignore it#until it’s been ‘too long’ to bother going back to everything else#it also doesn’t help that this whole phase is being put together piecemeal instead of taking a break after endgame to breathe and regroup#i think i’ve gotten off track but i’m just having a lot of thoughts this morning#agatha#aaa
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it's not that i think i shouldn't have to work it's just that i want more time in the day for me to do other shit
#like unless i wanna lose sleep my current schedule offers me like 4 hours of free time#and that's just part time. if i went to full time then i would have like maybe 1#i need days to be longer so i can have more time to myself#that or my family has to finish watching ds9 so i can stop watching shows with them as much#idk i just feel like the only time i have to do anything hobby related is late at night when i should be in bed#and that makes me unhappy#not to mention if i wanna do any chores or important life stuff those also take up my free time#leaving me with even less#ugh whatever i gotta go to work now. you get the idea
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i'm always thinking about this line
#ganon rambles#mcsm#mcsm petra#AGHHHHH AHHHHHH#i feel insane#bursted out laughing over 'you tend to push people away'#yasss feeding into her idea that people abandon her because there's something wrong with her 😋#yeah i'll make your mental illness worse#but anyways it makes sense#you meet her and she's completely alone as opposed to everyone else who already has their established friend groups#and also her line in episode 5 about getting used to having people who worry about her or whatever it was#and she is like a different person in the witherstorm arc lol.#well granted there was the death illness/amnesia but like.#my point... im always crazy about how she goes from closed off and cool abd lonely to like#...crying about her friends#like !!! ahahahahahahahahahaha#literally the most well written character in this stupid game and ashley johnson is such a good va too god#i'm supposed to be doing chores but i had to sit down and talk about petra. grown adult btw
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sometimes i'm like WHAT IF I JUST SAID SCREW IT AND DIDN'T HAVE ASSIGNED CHORES FOR DAYS AND JUST LIVED MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE I HATE BEING SO DISCIPLINED AND SENSIBLE LITERALLY EVERY DAY and then i try doing that and the bathroom starts getting gross if i don't clean it once a week and my allergies get bad if i don't hoover once a week and i don't have clean towels or clothes when i need to and i don't eat often or well and i can't switch off at all because there's a billion things looming, and then i'm like Oh Yeah The Schedule.
#but what if we could just do whatever we wanted forever (no consequences from housework)#I guess i'm kind of already doing the middle path which is 'rolling chores that i didn't do on their set times onto later days rather than#doggedly saying they have to be done Today and skipping taking breaks and going to bed late because i'm doing 5 billion catch-up#chores and eating late because i'm too busy chasing my own tail....... maybe........
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in my quest to quell my pain ive only hurt myself worse. damned if i do damned if i dont.
#i need better coping mechanisms but it’s so easy to just turn to substances when you’ve never learned how to cope w your emotions#and physical pain. however a lot of it has been brought on by the substance abuse aka i did it to myself#so i probably deserve it#but i started with them in the first place to get rid of pain that was so overwhelming and constant#it feels like every time i do something to preserve myself im punished for it#and im so sick of it. i cant believe its gotten this bad#i drink to help the pain -> i get hungover and the pain is way worse -> i drink to stop that pain#and the worst part is it always works#realistically ive depended on substances for like a decade#i started drinking at 13 and fell into a rut of alcoholism at like 15/16#my mom was going thru a phase of alcoholism and roped me into it so bad if be woken up by her bringing me a drink at 9 am#and we’d drink till she passed out and i had to walk her to bed and cook for everyone and do all the chores#it went on for months one summer#then it was weed and i smoked every day from like 18-22#only thing thwt stopped me from drinking until i started again after both my parents died#i havent recovered since.#im still so traumatized and depressed that i looked for any method of relief#the dph phase was the worst. i think alc is even better than that lmfao it was horrible#once i got access to alc i stopped all that. wouldnt have if i hadnt had alc tho#it’s honestly been one addiction after the other for a decade#and my parents fueled so much of it#‘oh id rarher you drink under my eye than do it behind my back’#BRUH YOU WOULDNT LET ME GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING. HOW WOULD THWT HAVE HAPPENED#crazy how i was obsessed w drugs and shit by the time i was 10 and i remember thinking wow im gojna grow up to be an addict.#why am i so irreparably fucked up#idk whatever. like im not gonna drink abt it lmao.
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giving up on going to bed proper tonight i am Not getting everything i need to do done in forty minutes [adjusted for time it took to write this post. 30 minutes]
#and it took me so long to fall asleep the last two nights i might as well have just stayed up [shrug]#this isnt even representative of what working is going to be like!!!! i didnt know i was going to be working this week!!! until monday!!!!!#the night before!!!!!!!!! i couldnt prepare anything or pre-do any chores!!!!!!!!!!!#<- the job is really genuinely great so far but my position has so little to do w literally anything else in the building that im#super falling thru the cracks about every single thing me and my single coworker arent a squeaky wheel about lol. im a little#irritated about it but whatever <- i didnt have access to anything i needed half my first day even tho they had the whole month#to get the ball rolling on that 😭😭 i still dont have access to some stuff#i may or may not have to work friday. wont know till tomorrow. idk what im doing next week. im taking verbal 'yeah probably'#permission to not come in this weekend bc i dont want to lol#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#anyways. [keyed up] [why its been taking me so long to fall asleep]
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I hate it when people don’t ask you to do something and then get mad at you for not doing it. Sure it’s a reasonable request if you had actually said it.
#iso.txt#idk how many more times i can explain to my mom that it doesnt work like that…#i will do whatever chores you want. but you have to ask me to#there is no schedule there are no tasks assigned i won’t know to do it
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my last week, a visual demonstration
#Robin processes emotions on main#hi yes I came back early. it's in order to process. I needed to like.... spill my guts on the dashboard tonight#IM STRUGGLING..#I have GOT to get a job#just one (1) more visit to a friend this summer and then I will be APPLYING for things again#also I'm having the very devil of a time trying to get myself to contribute to this household. I hate it#I hate that helping out makes me feel like I'm losing my agency—losing myself—like I'm dying every time. I want to be BETTER than this#but I also need to feel like an adult with agency but also I need to BEHAVE like an adult but even just saying that makes me feel nauseous#I need. something. to change. I hate this. I feel selfish and cowardly and I hate feeling selfish and cowardly#I need to . communicate. work something out with my mother so that I stop feeling perpetually behind and ashamed#if I could manage to feel good about chores and not just like I'm scrambling to keep up..... that would..... be... more... motivational#the problem is that I feel unsafe/unstable right now and my instinctive response is to close myself off to all demands#WHICH AS YOU CAN IMAGINE IS NOT CONDUCIVE TO BECOMING MORE STABLE.#demand avoidance makes me bad at contributing to the household AND terrified of applying to jobs and AUGH... AUGH.#I DO BETTER WHEN I LIVE ON MY OWN#living on my own‚ I don't have to deal with the whole soul-crushing horrorshow of negotiating my own emotions about doing chores#chores are GOOD and ENJOYABLE when they're for ME. they're only psychological torture when they're things I do as part of my ''rent''#ok. bedtime. I've sufficiently spilled my dang guts all over the place. it will get better eventually I think#I'm just having a horrible time Right Now#I'll figure this out though dangit#I KNOW the answer is to just Do the stuff and face fears and communicate and whatever I KNOW. but if anyone tells me that I'm going to bite#ok I'm done thank you and sorry to anyone reading this far <3 it really will be all right
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I feel lame for not having many ocs tbh. Whatever i do what i want forever
#idk i feel like my entire art is only ever used on drawing pre existing characters#usually from popular ips i feel so shallow.#any ocs i make i never get attached to. and if i do im too nervous to post them#or like with my fandom intrests i love them so intensely and then a month or so later#i dont give a shit anymore. i wish i wasnt so reliant on pre existing characters with pre existing personalities to draw#my attention. and draw in general.#bc when im not in an intense intrest phase i cant draw for shit. thatd be a perfect time to draw my ocs right?#but i need to be intensely intrested to draw in the first place. and they aren't fleshed out they dont have content#yhere is no book or movie or show or game. ive gotta do all of that. but that passion isn't there#i get no big ideas for stories of my own. no characters with compelling backgrounds everytging i do#just feels like a rehash or repackaging of something else.#and insult to injury. usually i can pinpoint exactly which pre exosting character im ripping from#which nothing wrong witg inspiration. if it was anyone else i'd be like fuck yeag dude thats awesome#but because its me it feels like stealing stealing stealing i cant think of anything on my own so i must steal#idk. whatever.#i mean i do have ocs but i havent drawn them in fucking forever it feels like. and i love them ig#for once i cant really pinpoint where i pulled them from. but too nervous to post them on#this blog and also again. drawing them feels like a chore because the obsession isnt there#vent#whateverrrrr my interps are baller my lines are swagular. im gonna make it whatever#and also i feel like a flake with my intrests and its not deliberate but sometimes i feel like im#pullibg people in from fandoms then pulling a switcheroo gotcha on them by being invested#in something else#which obviously im fucking not thats stupid im not doing this on purpose#but it still feels so yuuuuucky like im sorry ik this isnt what you folloed me for. sorry#SJATEVER i win at art wbatever whatever
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idg bullies bc if you think someone is committing some sort of social sin... why aren't u stepping in to help them, why are you watching them fuck up? clearly its important enough to you that you try to socially punish the fellow, if this is a social cause you are so very impassioned about, why not help that person not fuck up?
or... did you just want to laugh at someone fucking up? bc at that point you're providing nothing to anyone besides just being an asshole but hey ig some people are proud of their assholes so
#to me its just an unnecessary energy#like i have shit to do i have chores to go home and get to why are you wasting both of our time being an ass#what is this doing for anyone besides fueling your narcissism#cool bud happy for you and your fleeting superiority complex as soon as i leave the room#i wonder how you make yourself feel like you're better than everyone when im not around- oh yeah its bc you go online#and spread your disease-like assholery elsewhere so then everyone becomes an asshole and no ones happy#no one can be sincere... everything hidden under a million layers of irony... stuffing every last emotion down bc emotions are cringe#or whatever...#idk. i dont like the artificiality of every social interaction these days. i feel like the only genuine ppl i meet are like. old ladies lol#everyones always got some sort of scheme or some shit... older ladies only care about talking about tea n knitting n shit#you think an old lady has any reason to be shitting on anyone? when shes probably living her best lil humble life?#theyre old they dont have the energy or time to hate anymore all they wanna see are things to love and hey i think everyone should#try to see the world that way. they know they dont got a lot of time left so they're more appreciative and nicer (usually)#you never know when you'll run out of time so why not start appreciating now?#why spread hate when you can be love. cheesy but its true
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