#what time does snl start

[soniccrush02]

Timothée Chalamet Hosts SNL and Gets Support from Adam Sandler — Who Continues Joke About the Young Star's Name

The actor pulled double duty as both host and musical guest on the Jan. 25 episode of the late-night comedy sketch series

Live from Studio 8H, it's Timothée Chalamet — with a special guest appearance from Adam Sandler!

The actor, 29, pulled double duty on Saturday Night Live on Jan. 25, acting as both host and musical guest.

Ahead of his first musical performance, Sandler, 58, made a surprise cameo to introduce Chalamet. The actor-comedian pronounced the young star's name in a comedic, Sandler-fied way, a continuation of a joke made at the 2025 Golden Globe Awards on Jan. 5.

During her opening monologue at the awards show, host Nikki Glaser teased Chalamet and said, “Your name sounds like something Adam Sandler would say," before the Happy Gilmore star replied from the audience with his own spin on the pronunciation.

Read More,,,,,!

[dilf-docs]

Give Me Coffee, Utah Love

sleazy!joel 'mullet' miller x younger fem!reader

summary: on the run and looking for a fresh start, a cheap gasoline coffee and to-do list slipping from your bag later, you (have lost your mind and) consider this stranger's proposition.

warnings: 18+ (minors dni), age gap (52/25), pwp, p. in v., fingering, (one) pussy spank, degradation kink, lwk breeding and exhibition kink, nasty filthy sex, public sex, one joke about kys, strangers to ???, pulled an all nighter for this yey me (its 3am and my alarm sounds at 4:10 lol) so forgive me if i made any spelling mistake, i wanna see ur comments/reblogs bc i crashed out so bad i feel like i deserve it

word count: 4,060 words

side note: that one girl who doesn't play abt snl. okay but who works harder? the devil, a7estrellas or me, that only needed two pedro snl sketches and is acting like a yuppie in the 80s doing cocaine on a bathroom after work bc WOW so many new content. yes, men with mullets should die but this is pedro! song of choice for this piece is queen of the gas station by sleazy dilf patroness lana del rey. also up next, renaldo inspired one shot to celebrate the snl 50 series! (update: read it here)

You liked driving at night.

There was simply something about the eerie silence, the shadows casting upon the streets, barely touched by the headlights and the moon, the quiet hum of the radio and the slow shift of your hands on the wheel.

You liked driving at night, but today, it feels off.

Just this morning, you had looked at your house one last time. It still had that white paint on the porch, that had faded due to the sunlight, and those scrapped stickers on what had been your childhood room's door.

He had tried talking some sense in to you, claiming all your life was there, in Arizona. With him. But Phoenix had started to feel like a prison and he was your warden. So you snuck at dawn when no one would notice, like a criminal. Very fitting.

The sun hadn't touched yet the kitchen where you ate when your feet balanced off the chair and now graced the floor in a lazy manner, eating cereal with marshmallows first and now, just about three days ago, just oatmeal, because it seemed like what a grown up would do.

But in many ways you were still the same kid who was too shy to raise her hand in class because she couldn't find her voice, bound to be forgotten among much louder and brigther kids. Yet he had seen you.

So you stayed: put up with dances where he would spin you until the world was reduced to a blur, and the quiet home life in town-- kids running around and barbecues on the summer seemed like a good ending. You dreamed of a truck and a garden, and the few friends you made all seemed to share the same vision. Except for one.

When Dorothea came back from New York, eyes too wide and smile too bright, she seemed like a different person. In many ways she still was the same girl with an accent who had shared her sandwhich with you during recess, but her words now carried ambition and her gaze seemed awoken by a purpose you couldn't find but on the road that drove out of town.

But folks kept her at arms length. The amusement in her smile was infectious as a disease, and with whispered stabs they would talk behind her back. Your friend bore a scarlett letter for wanting more.

You had never wanted more; compliant might of be your second name. But when you'd see her walk by your house, shorts above her knees and that city girl strut with her sneakers against the hot asphalt, you were envious, and Williams seemed so small and dull.

Who does she think she is? he would say, and you'd nod your head, despite the secret admiration hidden in your eyes.

Suddenly, the red truck sounded stupid and the married life with kids could wait.

We could wait, you had said outloud.

He had laughed, like you just told a joke. It was on surprise, but it felt cruel.

Why? like he couldn't understand you-- as if you spoke on a different language. What is there to wait for?

You took your decision that day.

It started slow, by wearing skirts that rode up with the wind, blaming the lack of clothes on the heat. Then with the nicotine between your lips, the forbidden act making clouds that escaped your red lips. Or wearing the other make up Dorothea taught you, now holding hands with her as people whispered she had tainted your naive soul too. He caught your new smell, and spoke harshly about not wearing clothes that made other men turn to eat out the sun-kissed skin of your legs, because you'd turn too, gaze defiant and full of mischief, but that he didn't know. Might as well wear nothin'. But he cried with his face buried in the same uncovered legs, saying he hated to see you like this; he didn't recognize you.

It was easy then.

One day you packed your bags and took the car you'd been given as a graduation gift, leaving town with what seemed a lifetime stashed in the backseat.

You left a note for your parents, neatly placed on a bed you wondered when you'd sleep again in, if you were ever to be back. To him, who you now just start to wonder if you ever really loved or just accepted because it's what there was and nothing more, you hadn't left a note nor explanations.

He wouldn't understand anyways.

Just the promise of what could've been, shining in the middle of your bed.

You had been driving non-stop, afraid like a fugitive who was being chasen. Sometimes, you'd take stops on the road and pulled out a pen and a book, despite your fingers itching from driving and your urgency to check the phone you'd been to coward to turn on to see the wake of messages your disappearance might have sparked.

There was a sting somewhere outside the ache of your bones or the flutter of your tired eyes, and it cried for home and longed for the life you always envisioned for yourself. But it also felt like a second skin you couldn't quite wash off with the cheap soap and cold water of the motel you had crashed in a couple of hours ago.

You didn't want to live in suburban desert dreams back at Williams. You wanted to feel alive.

It's nightime when the little peep sound jolts you awake. You had been driving in auto-pilot; your car needs gas and you needed rest.

Its probably ten at night, and according to your map, Utah isn't that far. It's a fresh start: a place where no one knows your name or your whole life, for the matter.

Your car comes to a stop under faded neon lights in the middle of the road. There's a truck parked next to your car, the guy inside the convenience store, and that's about it. You're filling your tank while suppressing a yawn, when a movement across your station catches your eyes.

The only other customer, a man old enough to be your dad. He's staring at you, leaning against his truck, arms crossed while the biceps flex with the position, tense. Even from your place, you can see how the veins pop here and there, making you gulp on instinct.

The smoke of his cigarrette gets lost in the neon hues and starry sky. Doesn't he know you're not supposed to do that at a gas station? Yet, his lack of care and recklessness picks your interest.

(Hey! The last time you had human contact was about a day ago and after seeing only roads, asphalt, desert and mountains, you deserved a little treat to entertain yourself)

"Like what you see, doll?" sporting the most sleazy smile you'd ever seen.

Something about him was as alluring as uneasy, the nervous tremble of your hands but the warmth between your legs speaking of said conflicting emotions. You pretend to be invested on the task of filling your truck (the reason you're here, after all) but the way your body burns, begs, to look again is humilliating. So you do, but he isn't there anymore, althought his truck is.

"You know, wearin' a dress like that at night isn't a good idea for'a girl like you"

He appears from seemingly nowhere, making you jump. Your heart flutters and you clench at nothing with the sound of his deep voice, low, akin to a rumble or a thunder. It's laced with diversion, and the not so subtle way he eats you out with his eyes like a starved man, wolfish grin on display as he leans now against your car, makes his intentions all the more clear.

"Why?" you feel oddly bold, instead of scared. Maybe it's the lack of sleep, because why the hell would you be flirting in a gas station, at night, entertaining an old and slighlty creepy albeit attractive man when you had been engaged less than a day ago?

"The weather" he appears nonchalant, balancing the cigarrette like a toothpick between his chapped lips. "Or men"

"Bold of you to say that while wearing that" you poke fun at his outfit, which consists of some shorts, worn t-shirt and a vest. He's sporting the tall socks and slippers combo, dressing like a grandpa but he pulls it off alright. "Also, men? Like who, you?"

He laughs, the sound sprouting rich and grave from his chest. It makes you dizzy. Yup, let's blame the lack of sleep again.

"Well, look at that. Sure got'a mouth on ya', doll" he gets closer, and his scent floods your nostrils. Wood, gasoline, musk, sweat and burnt ciggars. "Just takin' care of you. Say, how about ya' warm that shaky frame of yers? This place has sum coffee goin' on. Shit, but it works"

He could poison your drink for all you care, but all his teeth are on display and he's got a dimple. Also, you're fighting your fluttering eyelids in here.

"Y/n" it's your way of agreeing while extending your hand.

Instead of shaking it, he pulls you even closer and kisses it, his warm lips brushing your cold hand. You shiver at the contact, and it may be the way his firey auburn holds your gaze while doing so or how big his hands feel, both your mind and heart racing.

"Joel" he says, and then that same calloused palm finds its way to the soft part above your ass in your back, guiding you to the store.

Inside, it smells like cheap coffee and grease. You clutch your bag tighter, and choose a table as the stranger pays for your coffee, or well, Joel.

"There ya' go" and he places the hot brown liquid in front of you.

Now that he's closer and under the yellow-ish lights, you take a better look at his face. His eyes, which mock the drink in front of you. His hands, that seem to almost swallow the small cup with their size, and then his hair. God, alright. He sported a fucking mullet of all haircuts. And boy, wasn't it embarrassingly attractive? Your eyes fall towards his beard and mustache, grays sprinkled across them. But your mind and eyes alike went back to the thought of feeling the slightly greasy looking hazel strands, calling for your touch.

"Gonna take a sip or what?" and he smiles. You don't know if it's in diversion by your doze-off or because he knows why.

You had never felt this hot and bothered. Hell, not even normal hot. He had never made you feel like this, and now some fucking random skanky man was getting your panties on a twist in the middle of the road.

"I-I'm going to the bathroom" you manage to squeak out, running for your life.

Inside the stall, you splash some water into your face, as if trying to make you react. Get yourself together, you tell your reflection in the mirror, but then you're fixing your hair, and as you reach for your red lipstick you realize you left your bag back at the table. Fuck.

You get out, only to find your bag weirdly sprawled on the seat, the handles centimeters away from falling to the floor. Then, he, who you only see his sturdy back and broad shoulders, crouched down, like he's reading something, althought Joel doesn't seem the type of guy who chooses to read in his free time.

"Joel?"

And then you see it: the tiny notebook you had been scribbling on the road, looking even smaller on his grip.

Your To-do list.

It may sound stupid, but a week before leaving, you bought it: the last memory of your town and the start of your new life. At twenty-five, the concept may sound a little stupid with what you've written, but you felt your new life deserved to have space for some of those dreams or fleeting thoughts you had during class written down.

And now fucking Joel was reading it.

"Wow, doll. Ya' sure are full of surprises" he chuckles, flipping through the pages. What sounds better: killing him or yourself? Hmm, maybe throwing the burning coffee at him would suffice.

"Give me that back" you extend your rigid hand, voice clipped.

The stupid trail of decisions catches up to you. Why had you trusted a stranger that had oggled you right in front of your face? You're too starved and horny to think straight, clearly, because now he's mocking you while your face burns with red shame.

"Saved your bag from fallin' when ya' rushed outta da seat. Then this lil' thing came out" he stops on a page. "Skinny dipping. And'ere I thought you're a good girl"

"Shut up and give me that" you seethe.

"Wow, doll" Joel chuckles yet again. "don't get yer panties in a twist. If ya' wanted so, jus' ask"

You scoff at his boldness. "Excuse me?"

"Ya' heard me" he gets up from his seat, body towering over yours.

Was it hot in here? Why was your body warm all of the sudden? Was it the coffee? No, you hadn't even take a sip. Joel searches before looking at you again with a content gaze and an ugly smug grin, like he's used to having his way.

"Sex with a stranger" then searches for other, the sound of the pages the only other sound in the room, still not overpowering the one of your heart, echoing in your ears. "Sex in a bathroom"

He closes the little book and hands it back to you. You take it with force, ears burning at their tip. "So?"

"Funny" he muses. "I can help you with both"

Your head drops back against the cold wall as Joel's lips find your collarbone.

This was stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Of all the decisions you've made in your life, this one is either the worst or the best. Fuck, you hadn't even arrived at Utah and could cross two things from the book.

His kiss is rushed, rough and sloppy, sucking on your lips so hard you feel them swollen and bruised. Joel's tongue then pokes inside your mouth, to taste your insides and all of you more deeply, content with the savor of your sweet mouth and gloss smeared across his own. It isn't often that he gets a chance like this: sure, casual sex is like breathing for him at this point in life, where he's made it too far without building a home for a wife. But now, here? You, this pretty young thing, the small whimpers coming out of your lips, how you squirm under his frame and groping hands that travel through a body he can't get enough of. Shit, he ain't young anymore but he's painfully hard and can't stop his task despite his aching joints and age. Joel just wants to taste all of you forever, despite the shit place and rather funny circumstances:

You both, strangers, in an dirty dark alley behind a gas station, about to fuck.

He's pressing his knee tightly between your thighs, the same one you had spotted before thanks to his shorts. His strong grip pins your hand above your head, rendering you immobile under his weight, that presses over you. Shit, you should be thinking this through and running away, but the complete submission and reckless choice makes it all the more hot.

Your throat works up soft, needy noises and Joel marvels at the sounds.

"Keep 'em comin', doll. Wanna know I'm makin' you feel good"

His lips leave lazy wet trails across your skin. The skirt of your dress is raised by his leg and pressed knee.

"Hmh, Joel-" you needily whimper.

"Shh" he swallows a moan with his mouth, "but jus' for me, doll. Keep it low, will ya'? Or want the whole place knowin' what a dirty slut ya' are? Fuckin' with da first stranger that looks yer way?"

You had never been degraded, less thought it would turn you this much on.

"Joel" you whimper his name.

He groans into your mouth, lewd tongues tangling and tasting the messy kiss with fiery passion and hate. Your fingers fist into the thick material of his vest, nails about to ruin it, but by the way his eyes darken and he smiles, Joel might be into it.

The man pulls away for breath, a string of saliva connecting you two.

His hand gropes your ass and then moves to your exposed inner thigh.

"What'a dirty girl" your fingers hook into his worn-out jeans, tugging the peaking waistband forward to you. His weight and chest push into you, "so wet and eager for this dick, you cockhungry whore"

To prove his point, his thick fingers rub your clit through the material of your panties. You tilt your head back in pleasure at the newfound sensation, and he takes the chance to mark your exposed neck and collarbone, making you moan his name when he sinks his teeth on the skin.

"All 'tis for me?" and his fingers fingers slink down to trace your folds again. Your back arches, breasts pressing against his chest. You dig your nails on his broad back, making him hiss with pleasure as you grab for support.

His rough digits slide and push your sticky panties aside, then plunge inside your pussy. You whimper quietly, the squelches of your pussy swallowing his fingers the only sound in the dark, aside from the busy road ahead. The calloused pad of his thumb circles your sensitive nub, pressing and massaging as his lips travel down to the valley of your tits.

"Wanna free this bad girls and taste 'em" he pulls down your dress, mouth practically watering at the rosy soft skin. "Fuck, doll. No bra? Ya' were lookin' for this, ain't you? Makin' the job easy. I'm just'a lucky man"

He wants to see how they bounce with each thrust, eyes darkening with the shade of lust.

"I- Fuck"

Joel's fingers thrust in and out at with a rapid pace and delicious movements you had never been pleasured before with. Now, when he curls them? That nearly sends you over the edge, reaching a spot you had never known existed.

"S'tight" he groans at your clenching warm sticky walls, fingers slowing but still moving as you ride out your high, drenching him in your liquids.

"Found sum sugar for that shit tastin' bitter coffee, eh?" he takes his own fingers on his mouth and sucks on them with a rather obscene gesture, taking them out with a loud pop. His tongue licks what's left off, and you whimper at the lewd image. "Yer too sweet, doll. Can't get 'nough"

Your arms wrap around him, as Joel rolls his hips, seeking friction to relieve him of the uncomfortable strain against the denim.

"Ready to take me in, doll? I'll just warn ya' somethin'" his free hand unbuckles his belt and tugs down the jeans and boxers down, dick in display: hard, and leaking with precum. He drags his teeth against your ear, and his hot breath ghosts over you with coffee and ciggars. "See that? Think ya' can take it?"

The tuft of sweaty hair leading down to his length has you salivating, and your fingers wrap around him before you realize it. Joel winces at the touch.

"Like a champ" and you swear his erection throbs in your palm, head angry and needy.

What a gentleman.

He doesn't wait for more words, teasing your moist folds with his tip before he's inside, buried to the hilt, rough fingers steady bruising your hips as he thrusts you up against the wall. You look up at the flickering lampost, wondering how did you ever made it here and what the hell are you doing, his groans deep inside your ear as his head is buried in the crook of your neck, labored breaths against your ablazed skin. For a moment, he looses the spot and favors looking at you, to take in the sight infront of him: mouth slightly gaped open, eyes lidded, and fingers desperately digging into his back. You're fucked out of your mind, but so is he.

"Like what you see?" you mimick his words from earlier. He lets out a dry and labored chuckle.

"I do"

He snaps his hips, and you're not sure what is it that creaks, too many things happening outside (the cars, the whiff of gasoline, the nocturnal wind). Joel soon takes up an erratic pace. He's so deep in you, his balls slams into your pussy with each thrust he forces into you.

You should start writing more things on that notebook if they would become true and as good as this. Earn a ridiculous sum of money for free, for example.

Joel grunts, hands busy holding you against the wall, but he so badly wants to play with your bouncy tits, so you let out a yelp when his wet tongue rolls over the skin, mouth then sucking the skin until it's bruised, kissing lazily around your hardened nipples until teeth bite on them.

He's going insane; should go more often late night driving if he'd end up fucking pretty naive sweet-tasting girls behind alleys.

His cock fills you so perfectly it doesn't take long before your walls are spasming around his cock, and you're about to cum for a second time, before on his fingers now over his girth inside of you. Joel can sense it, so his filthy mouth goes for it:

"Go on, doll. Show me what yer made of"

You fall apart with a sharp cry, face buried into his shoulder with a bite to muffle it.

He groans as the pleasure rolls through you. "Milk me dry, c'mon. Take all of ma' seed like the slut ya're" Joel speaks while moving inside you, deeper and quicker, aching for release. Then he's pulsing, cumming with a harsh grunt. "Don't waste a drop, doll. I know you're considerate jus' like that"

His hands slide down to your waist, his long hair drenched, sticking to his forehead. There's the silence of the night and your breaths as you try to compose yourselves.

"That's a good girl" while softnening cock still inside you.

"See? Told you: took you like a champ" you pant, trying not to think of what lead you to now, just focused on the high. "I like to keep my promises"

Joel laughs, but its a soft sound; light. It caresses your chest like a wind chime.

He then pulls out, your folds a mess and his dick coated with your juices. "Shit, look at ya' hungry pussy, doll. Wore me the fuck out"

You help him pull up his pants, looking at the socks while you contain a laugh. Then you think again and the alley pulls you out of your post sex haze. Yeah, filling those two checkboxes in your To-do list will feel good as fuck, but:

Now what?

"Joel?"

"Hmh?"

He pulls up your dress to cover your tits when the wind brushes through the alley, with a weird softness to him, then fixes your panties, giving your clothed pussy a weak slap that sends a shiver through your body.

"Thanks for the treat. I'ont remember orderin' desert"

You laugh as you push him off your body, refusing to meet his eyes. This is the second man who has seen you naked, and while definitely not good at words, his wolf-like hunger in his brown eyes and needy mouth besides the hard dick have said more than enough. Besides, it's a little late to be embarrased but you're still trying to process this wild huge leap you took to celebrate the start of your new life.

"Drive safe" you mutter, starting to walk away, thinking how the hell you'll survive the two hours left in the orad with such a sticky pair of panties and sweaty body.

"Where you goin'?" his deep voice stops you before you've reached the end of the alley.

"Utah" you answer in a beat, heart beating dangerously fast.

The same sleazy smile from the first time you saw him adorns his handsome face, all teeth in display.

"Really, doll? Well, lucky you" he lights up a cigarrette, trail of smoke condensing in anticipation. "'Cause that's jus'bout where I'm headed"

cr: divider @kodaswrld / gif @a7estrellas

[emo-batboy]

Battinson on SNL

Idk how popular Saturday Night Live is outside of the US so there will be some links for context. That said, as a New Jersey native, I think Battinson would totally watch the show. And since he's a celebrity...👀

SO

To promote WE’s newest charity fund, Alfred signs Bruce up to be a guest host on SNL (à la this post) The announcement is made, and everyone’s like “oh this is going to be a disaster. That man can’t even hold eye contact or speak a full sentence without crying.”

But oh, that’s why it’s so funny.

Now, hear me out. Bruce’s strengths are displayed best when he’s himself. That’s why he’s so popular in Gotham. That’s why the internet calls him Relatable TM and a Disaster (Affectionate) and “Poor Little Meow Meow.” It’s his ✨ essence ✨

But he tends to get overwhelmed or self-conscious onstage, right? Because he can’t be Himself himself if he has time to overthink something. So after a few meetings with Bruce, the writers of SNL figure out the perfect way to keep Bruce from getting anxious.

They decide to load this episode with as many skits where Bruce plays different caricature-like versions of himself as possible. The objective? Make him break character and laugh so he doesn’t overthink. And if he breaks character, he’ll still technically be in character because he’s playing himself, you know? Genius.

So that’s how they go about structuring the show. During the few days they have to write, they decide to take everything about Bruce’s public image and either ramp it up to 11 or turn it on its head.

He speaks quietly? Turn it into a running gag. He dresses in all black? Make him emo. He tips well? Add that in too. He’s “depressed” and “sad?” Literally, all he does on screen is laugh and break character. What’s not to love?

Of course, Bruce also gets to decide what skits are in each episode as well. (Refer to this if you have no idea how SNL works.) He loves the idea, though, and he has a surprisingly dark sense of humor which bleeds into some of the sketches. They add in a few skits without him, and they’ve got their lineup.

It’s the wildest episode of the season. Here are the highlights:

OPENING MONOLOGUE

It’s the big night, everyone’s excited to see Bruce Wayne hosting a live sketch comedy show with no idea how it will turn out.

To begin his monologue, Bruce walks on, opens his mouth to start talking, and immediately two cast members appear as stagehands to set up six microphones in front of him. He is already struggling to keep himself together.

Bruce: “You may be wondering why I’m host- Cast Member: *adds one more tiny microphone to his chest* Bruce: “You may be wondering why I’m hosting tonight.”

It’s working. The audience loves it.

Halfway through, Kate McKinnon comes out in a dark cloak with a chalice. “Your sustenance, my lord.” *sees camera* “Oh. Sorry. Carry on.” And she shambles off. Bruce has to take a second before continuing.

Bruce knows when (most of) the jokes come. It’s literally on the cue cards, but he still falls into a fit of giggles.

There are a few more gags, including Lex Luthor peeking out from behind the band set-up, all teasing the show to come.

Overall, an amazing way to set the tone for the episode. Expectations have been set. Then the skits begin!

(Oh but before I forget: During every single live skit with Bruce, the writers have scheduled for one of the cast members to run in dressed as a stagehand and put an extra mic on him. They do not tell him when it will happen.)

SKIT #1

Between the monologue and the first skit, he has to do a really fast quick change, but to everyone’s surprise, Bruce is a natural. (Huh, wonder why.)

The skit is called Gotham PTA Meeting. We open in a meeting room full of stereotypical PTA moms setting down baked goods and gossiping. And apparently, there is a new PTA member attending today 👀

Right as the meeting starts, he enters. Bruce walks in wearing the most emo get-up imaginable. He’s got a Nirvana shirt, a comical amount of eyeliner, black skinny jeans, chain accessories, metal rings, AND a clip-in extension to give him fringe.

Someone immediately runs in and puts another mic on him.

PTA Mom: “Oh, Bruce! You made it! Did you bring a snack?” Bruce: “I brought lemon bars.” PTA Mom: “Why are they black?” Bruce: “They match my soul…they’re also vegan.”

He talks like a moody teenager. HE CONSTANTLY has to brush the fringe off to the side to read the cue cards. And because there’s so much eyeliner and he’s sweating a bit from the lights, it starts running everywhere.

PTA Mom: “Bruce, you’re a little quiet. What are your thoughts on increasing the school lunch budget?” Bruce: *eyeliner dripping down his chin* “I think it’s a great idea.”

SKIT #2

For a pre-filmed skit, they bring back the Chad character with Pete Davidson.

It’s 2 am, and Chad is working at a 24hr drug store in Gotham. He’s reading Twilight (the book is upside down) when the lights begin to flicker.

He turns around and tries the light switch, turns back around, and JUMPSCARE it’s Bruce dressed as Edward from Twilight.

Yes, he IS sparkly.

Bruce is awkwardly holding a bunch of items, all concerning. He plops down a few knives, several raw meats, Sudafed. Chad: “Oh hey.” Bruce: O_O “I’d like to check out please.” Chad: “Lit.”

Chad’s “No Fucks Given” energy and Bruce’s “Please Do Not Perceive Me” energy clash like titans. The whole skit centers around it.

Bruce: *sweating bullets* “Oh. You’re reading Twilight?” Chad: “Just the title.” Bruce: *throws the book through the window at lightning speed* “It’s not very good. You should probably read something else.” Chad: *shrugs* “Okay.”

Chad: “ID?” Bruce: “ID? For what?” Chad: “Sudafed.” Bruce: “Oh. I don’t really need that, actually.” Chad: “Already scanned it.” Bruce: “Haha. Of course.” *awkwardly produces a scroll from his pocket that says Bruce Wayne DOB: 1901* Chad: “Okay.”

Bruce checks out, Chad picks up a porno mag or something, and we see Bruce turn into a bat and fly off through the window behind him.

SKIT #3

The next skit they have is Celebrity Family Feud: Billionaires Edition. Again, Bruce plays himself, but he’s more of a background character. Instead, the skit makes fun of billionaires as a whole.

Bruce’s team consists of Kylie Jenner, Lex Luthor, and Oliver Queen. So just imagine three Lucille Bluths standing beside one another. 

Bruce’s bit? He just keeps handing cash to Steve Harvey every time he breathes in his direction.

Host: "We got the richest man in the world: Bruce Wayne!" Bruce: *hands him a roll of cash* Host: "Oh, what’s this for?" Bruce: "It’s your tip. I always tip." Host: "Oh, Mr. Wayne, you don’t usually tip the show host. I’m also a millionaire myself." Lex Luthor: *snatches it* "Well, if you’re not going to use it, I will…for charity, of course." Host: "Uh huh, whatever helps you sleep at night."

Just a ton of fun quips, the usual.

At some point, Harvey says, “That’s batty.” Bruce: *ducks* “Where?!” Host: “Oh, I don’t mean Batman. He’s not here.” Bruce: “You don’t know that.”

This time, the mic bit is a bit different.

Host: “We asked 100 billionaires: How much does a loaf of bread cost? Top three answers are on the board.” Bruce: *hits buzzer* Host: Bruce, your answer is? Cast Member: *runs in with a megaphone and holds it in front of Bruce* Bruce: “TEN DOLLARS?”

Board dings! That was the #1 answer

Brucie Wayne for the win

SKIT #4

Next is a skit that dares to ask Gotham, “Why would anyone live here?”

The skit begins with someone opening a press conference for Wayne Enterprises. “And now presenting: Bruce Wayne!” Bruce walks in…

But it’s not him. Instead, it’s one of the cast members dressed in a black suit with horribly gelled brown hair.

Everyone in the audience is wondering where the actual Bruce is before another cast member runs onstage crying, “Help! Help! I’ve just been robbed! Somebody call Batman!”

A mini version of the bat-signal lights up…

We hear some generic hero music play…

And there he is: Bruce Wayne dressed in a horribly cheap Batman costume

(They got the cowl ALL wrong btw)

Bruce puts his hands on his hips in a weird superhero pose. Bruce: “I’m Batm-” Cast Member: *runs out to attach another mic to his costume* Bruce: “….I’m Batman!”

Cue all of the gags and digs against Batman. The fake Bruce faints then starts crying under a table. Someone calls Batman a furry. Bruce is barely keeping it together the whole time. Lord help him, but he asked for it. He approved the skit.

Bruce: “Looks like a job for my bat taser!” Cast Member: “Isn’t that just a taser with a bat on it?” Bruce: *whispers* “You shut your mouth.”

He saves the day, the police take the thief into custody, then Batman myStErioUsly disappears. Bruce: “Look over there!” *runs off* Cast Member: “Oh my gooood, how did he do that?”

CLOSING SEGMENT

Finally, they have the Weekend Update where Bruce comes on as himself for the final time.

Since they got his permission, the writers switch out some of Bruce’s jokes last minute. (Think Bill Hader’s Stefon which notoriously caused him to break character because the writers would mess with his cue cards.)

News Anchor: “Here to promote his newest humanitarian project: Bruce Wayne!” “Mr. Wayne, what a pleasure to see you today.” Bruce: “Thank you. This is probably the longest I’ve been out of the house.” News Anchor: “Since the Riddler catastrophe?” Bruce: “Since ever.”

News Anchor: “So Mr. Wayne! Before you make your announcement, any life updates?” Bruce: “Yes, actually. Just a few days ago, I adopted five- *starts losing it* five more children.” News Anchor: “Wow, really? So you have eight kids now.” Bruce: “Uh huh. *tears streaming down his face* One more orphan and I get the tenth one free.”

News Anchor: “So where can people find you online?” Bruce: “Well, I don’t have social media because I’m afraid of people, but sometimes I’m on Twitter.” News Anchor: “What about a phone call?” Bruce: “Oh no, phone calls- *giggle* phone calls give me fainting spells.”

It’s a great way of finishing the show, with the most genuine version of Bruce. Then, he gets to what’s really important!

News Anchor: “So if they can’t reach you on social media or on the phone, what else can our viewers do, Mr. Wayne?” Bruce: “They can donate to the Wayne Foundation’s newest charity called The Arts Initiative. It funds programs for the arts in underdeveloped school districts nationwide. I’ve already donated $30 million, and I’ve pledged to match every dollar donated within the next week.”

And that’s what he’s here for :) They share a link for where and how to donate. The anchors praise him for his charity, which he deflects because he can definitely afford this, and the 90-minute broadcast is over.

The camera pans away with the whole cast waving goodbye, and Bruce is seen keeling over with laughter.

Along with some of the other skits, these four specifically go viral. WE raises a fuck ton of money, and everyone loves Bruce.

THE END

LOVE YOU ALL!! Let me know what you think :D

[harveyguillensource]

Harvey's photoshoot with Mike Ruiz for Photobook Magazine has been published, along with a short interview covering his career and ambitions! Read a few of his responses below:

You have become somewhat of a trailblazer for what is possible for queer, Latinx actors. Who are your biggest role models and inspirations when it comes to performing? My on-screen role models were pretty limited. I found inspiration in watching Cantinflas, a Latino comedian, with my dad. Watching people like Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas represent Latinos on the big screen helped keep me hopeful. I’m happy to report that I’ve worked with both of them. From “What We Do in the Shadows,” to “The Magicians,” there is a slight recurring theme of supernatural or fantasy. What draws you to these types of projects and roles? In both 'The Magicians' and 'Shadows,' anything is possible. I love the idea that there are no limitations on where our characters can go, so I’ve always been drawn to that. I was never specifically seeking to be in these particular genres, but I’m so happy to be a part of them. In addition to on the screen, you have an extensive portfolio of voice acting credits. How does working behind a microphone compare to working on the camera? Doing voice-over has been such a wonderful experience. I didn’t really start doing V.O. work until the pandemic. It’s a tough door to get through. The pandemic brought these opportunities to me. It was the only work that I was able to do safely at the time. Since then, my portfolio has doubled in voice-over work. All the characters I get to play are so different from each other. I get so excited when people come up to me and mention they're fans of a character I voice. Either voice acting, on camera, or on the stage, are there any dream roles you would love to play? As a musical theatre kid, I’d obviously love to do Broadway. I’d also really love to host SNL one day. In addition to acting, you're also involved in advocacy work, particularly in the LGBTQ+ field. What inspires you to use your voice and platform for good? I try to use my platform to help anyone that I can, especially those in the LGBTQ+ and Latino community. For so long, I didn’t see anyone advocating for someone like me so I do the best I can to amplify their voices while bringing awareness to those communities. With “What We Do in the Shadows” heading into its sixth and final season, what’s next for you? Anything fans should look forward to? We’re about to wrap in two weeks from the time this interview is published. That being said, it’s bittersweet. We recently said goodbye to our exterior set, and it was really emotional. I committed to this character for half a decade, which is no small task. It’s become such a big part of my life, and I’m thankful for all the lives we’ve touched through comedy. Season 6 will air later this year. I’ll have projects like “Companion” and “Garfield” out this year as well as a couple others. I’m excited to see what’s next!

[marcelloshdz]

mr. hernández

summary: when marcello hears your praise of his performances on saturday night live, he can’t help but want to repay you for your kind words.

being with marcello, you almost always accompanied him to his interviews and events. getting to watch from the sidelines he spoke fondly to interviewers about his job, how much he loved getting to do what he does, and relishing in the support he’d been receiving for his comedy. you were so proud of him, and getting to be on this journey with him was nothing short of extraordinary.

tonight, as a breakout comedy star, marcello was being honored at Variety’s “Power of Young Hollywood” event, along with sabrina carpenter and sadie sink. 

you and marcello strolled down the carpet, making your arrival. you stood at his side as interviewers spoke to him, asking him questions for various news and social media sites. some were new, and some were ones that you’d heard him answer before.

“and who is this lovely lady attached to your arm?” the interviewer asked him as they locked eyes with you. you and marcello exchanged a quick look, and you gave him a small nod. it wasn’t often that he spoke of you during interviews, as he chose to keep your relationship as private as he could. but he took a large amount of pride in your support for him, and you could tell that he wanted to share.

“this is my girlfriend, y/n.” he said with a wide smile. “she’s been by my side, supporting me through so much of my journey finding my way through the comedy world, and finding my footing at SNL. she’s one of my biggest supporters, and it’s only right that i have her here with me tonight.” he said, smiling at you.

“he says you’re “one of” his biggest supporters? who could possibly have you beat?” the interviewer asked you.

“i think i probably come second only to his mom.” you said, marcello laughing behind you.

“so, we’ve talked with marcello about his favorite parts of being on saturday night live. let’s talk about yours. what have been some of your favorite moments from the show that you’ve gotten to be part of?” the interviewer asked you.

“oh, there have been so many. seeing him in the different costumes and wigs for sketches always makes me do a double take when i see him in them.” you began, and you heard marcello let out a small chuckle. “i just, have had the absolute pleasure and privilege of getting to hang out in studio so many times, and just seeing marcello get to do what he loves, being silly and telling jokes, every moment is my favorite. i’ve always known marcello was funny, and it makes me so happy, proud and excited that the rest of the world finally gets to see him being funny.” you finished, looking up at marcello. you were met by his gaze, a small smirk playing on the ends of his lips.

“well, there you have it. a raving review from your girl. i bet that makes you happy.” the interviewer said to marcello.

“more than happy. knowing that i’ve made y/n proud is all i can ever ask for. she’s my biggest fan, and is such a huge influence on what i write and the jokes i tell. it’s everything to me knowing that she loves what i do as much as i do.” he said. you finished the interview and continued down the carpet, making your way inside the venue, stopping to take photos along the way.

after some time of mingling, the honorees were invited up to make speeches. you watched from the crowd as marcello walked up to the podium, his award in his hands. you could tell he was bit nervous, but he quickly found your gaze in the crowd, and smiled softly.

he began speaking, thanking variety for the honor, and joking about how he was the 'least famous' of the three honorees tonight. “so, when you go home later, don’t compare our instagram followers.” he joked, immediately met with laughs.

he spoke fondly of his family, who supported him throughout college and his early days of starting out in stand up. he then began speaking about you, how you’ve been by his side since his move to new york, his starting at saturday night live, and how you always made him feel better on rough nights when sketches were cut or jokes didn’t land, and continuously being the one to hype him up on more successful nights. 

“all that to say, that i am very grateful to be in the position that i’m in, so thank you for this honor. it really does mean a lot to me.” he finished, holding up his award before walking away from the podium. he found you again in the crowd, arms quickly wrapping around you.

“oh, i’m so proud of you!" you exclaimed. “i love you.”

“thank you. i love you too.” he said. you pulled away and smiled up at him, pressing a quick kiss to his lips.

as the night went on, everyone was having such a good time mingling and partying. you’d walked over to the bar to get another drink, when you felt a hand press against the small of your back.

“mmm, hello there, mister rising star marcello hernández.” you teased, turning around to face him.

“oh, you flatter me.” he laughed. you wrapped your arms around his neck and he placed his hands on your hips. he smiled down at you and began swaying to the rhythm of the soft music that was playing.

“have i mentioned how proud i am of you?” you asked as he pulled you closer into his chest.

“only about a couple hundred times. but i’ll always love to hear it.” he said.

“well hear it again. because i am so so proud.” you said, pressing a kiss to his lips. 

“y’know, i haven’t stopped thinking about all of those nice things you said about me earlier.” he said with a soft smirk. 

“oh yeah?” you asked, raising an eyebrow at him. 

“i love hearing you talk about how excited you get seeing me on stage.” 

“it’s true. i get very excited.” you bit your lip as you pulled him closer into you. 

“well, maybe you and i should get going, so i can show you how excited that makes me.” he said, running his fingers up and down your arm, fiddling with your dress straps.

“maybe we should.” you said. he pressed a quick kiss to your forehead and took your hand in his. he led you through the room, saying good bye to everyone. he’d fed them some excuse as to why you were leaving so early, but you couldn’t hear him. you were too distracted by how badly you wanted him.

you made your way outside, marcello barely taking his hands off you while you waited for a car to take you back to your hotel. once you were situated in the back seat, marcello began peppering kisses all over your skin. he hit your sweet spot at the base of you neck and you let out a soft moan.

“hold on baby. just a little while longer.” he whispered. his lips brushing against your ear sent shivers down your spine.

when you got back to the hotel, you practically ran inside and to the elevator. once inside, marcello began forcefully pushing the buttons to hurry the doors closed. as soon as the elevator began rising, he took you into his arms and kissed you hard. you quickly reciprocated, tangling your fingers in his hair as he tightly gripped your hips.

“god, i hope this elevator doesn’t make any other stops.” you said, breathlessly as marcello began sucking on your neck. you felt him giggle against your skin as you held him tighter.

fortunately for you both, the elevator went straight to your floor. the two of you stumbled down the hallway to your room, lips barely separating from each other. you finally made it to your room, continuing to stumble around as you both undressed each other. clothes were thrown around the room and you finally made it over to the bed. laughter filled the room as the two of you were being unusually clumsy.

“you are so perfect.” marcello said, barely above a whisper. your bare bodies were pressed tightly against each other, your hearts beating together in perfect synchrony.

marcello began pressing kisses to your skin, making sure to hit every inch. he wanted nothing more than to make sure you knew how special and how beautiful he thought you were.

there was something different between the two of you that night. stronger feelings of love and lust. you and marcello were both making sure that you were each experiencing a pleasure, a new high, that you’d never reached before.

the moments that followed were indescribable, the two of you climaxing at an unprecedented level. once you finished, marcello collapsed on top of you as you began to catch your breath. a comfortable silence filled the room, the two of you speaking only with your bodies. he pressed sweet kisses to your stomach and chest as you ran your fingers through his hair. neither of you saying anything, but both of you knowing what the other was thinking. he picked his head up and rested his chin on your sternum, locking eyes with you giving you a soft smile.

“i love you.” he whispered.

“i love you more.” you smiled back. he reached up and pressed a kiss to your lips before moving to lay beside you. he wrapped his arm around your waist and you pressed your back to his chest. it wasn’t long before you both fell asleep, comfortable and warm within each other’s embrace.

[melancholicstation]

Do wanna run marathons in Long Beach by the sea? — a john f. kennedy jr one-shot

taglist: @obsessedwithjohnjr @vanillqcoke @rocker-chick-7 @ultr4v1ol3nt @violetharmonsfavgf @strip-weather-forecast @darcyspirits @fortheloveofjos @h-l-v-kennedy-blog @h-l-vlovesvintage @bluelancergirl @snowsgames @salvatoresablondie @dulcegal @kennedyism @bloxholden35 @kimcrystal123 @astro-vibes-bro @absurdlyvintage @jackiesgirl

SUMMARY: After a round of bad luck after bad luck with guys, Bobby, who has come to be a father figure of yours concocts a plan to set you up with his Bachelor of a nephew: John F. Kennedy junior, only neither of you quite know it yet.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: in this au bobby is still alive and works at the innocence project post his presidency. for a while it truly stumped me on what a man like him would've done if he lasted through 2 terms of a presidency and had to get a new job 🫠 also what should we name this reader!?

warnings: nothing just cute flirting, mean-ish jfk jr, use of the word bitch, kissing, bon*r but nothing beyond that, face touching

words: 1,759

Upper East Side, NY. 1995

Your conscious mind is rudely pulled back into reality from it's own sleep-induced bliss-state as you hear sounds akin to that of a racoon rummaging inside an opened trash chute.

As your eyes adjust to the change you start to get a feel for your surroundings. Nothing similar to a trash can—no quite the opposite. Instead of a grimy green, slick covered dross habit you had found yourself in a place you'd come to know as familiar: miss bouvier's new york townhome, or as you'd come to call her: Jackie.

You recognise yourself to be in her living room fit with a vast bookshelf, a safe haven for her over the decades you'd presume. Shrouded and protected by the novels and their winding tales—as if the paper thin pages were her coat of arms.

After your eyes had adjusted to the light, your whole body slowly seems to return to itself as your sensory receptors pick up the velveteen settee: in a swirling pattern of pink against a midnight black background.

Behind you sat a bookshelf wall to wall with books, so packed in fact that a ladder sufficed to be put in to explore the contents sufficiently. Glancing up the first book you lay your eyes upon is Works of Aeschylus. Instantaneously you are transported to how you got here in the first place—

*flashback to three hours ago*

You're regretting about all the romantic decisions that led you up to this point: crying the lobby of a Manhattan high-rise, embarrassing the hell out of yourself. Even in front of all the guys who looked like they were playing parodies of themselves on SNL. Despite not being blood Bobby was always the one you'd call when the going gets tough.

So that's how you got here: clad in nothing but an old heather-grey knit romper that you'd "stolen" from your recreational sport team in college and a pair of joggers with embroidered golfing patches—you knew they were less than fashionably conscious but damn! were they fucking comfortable.

Unsurprisingly you see Bobby bounding out the elevator, just on time, making his way over to you, encasing you in a fatherly hug before you can even mutter out a conversationally polite greeting of "hello" or "hi".

He doesn't say much, he never really does when you get in this state over a boy. To be quite frank he's fed up—no not at you, never at you: but at those douchebag boys who could never to measure up in any measure of a man. He knew he, or his brother's for that matter, weren't exactly angels in the fidelity department but they'd never have had the gall to run games like these boys have played on you.

And to top it off he'd just got off from a phone call from John last night saying that he wouldn't come to thanksgiving—too worried that the family will tease him for not bringing a girl home 4 years in a row.

While you silently cry in the taxi on the way home—well not to your home or bobby's instead to Jackie's home in manhattan: according to Bobby he'd been cat-sitting for Jackie while she sailed through St-Tropez for the weekend so that's where you two would be headed.

In between your crying and unbeknownst to you, Bobby concocted a plan to kill two birds with one stone...

Mysteriously informing you he'd ride with you to the townhouse and ride all the way back to his office, apparently he'd forgotten to some important papers to leave at Jackie's in his office. Assuring you that he'd be back before you knew it.

*end of flashback*

Your disturbed once more by the sound you presumed had woken you up in the first place and are met with a disturbing sight John no less than 5 five metres away from your splayed out frame: crouching over a filing cabinet aptly disguised as a chest of drawers.

You'd never really got along with John, not with his smug nature and ability to deflect questions with ease that he didn't feel bothered to pay attention to. Truthfully it was like a dance of tango even trying to engage in a conversation with him: so you never really tried. Bobby had always tried to ingrain you into Kennedy family traditions: knowing your rocky relationship with your own family. So you would talk to John in passing but never for too long: though it was long enough for you two to start a Cold War of passive aggressive passes of mash potatoes every holiday season.

Now to any other women aged 25-40 in America this sight would be a dream come true what with John clad in a simple button down shirt, and loosely tied linen slacks: none drawing attention away from his sharp jaw and frustratingly kissable lips, resembling the shade of a rabbit's tongue.

"Oh so sleeping beauty does wake!" You startle at the arrogance simply seeping out of his vocal cords.

"Pretty sure sleeping and being comatose are two different things, Jackass." you curtly reply while moving up into the slightly less demeaning positioning of half-sitting half-laying: hoisted up by the refined floral patterned cushions splayed about the living room.

"You say such pretty things to me, Y/n!" John says, motioning his hands in a fake swooning gesturing his hand to his forehead faking feeling faint.

"What're you looking for any way? Snooping in one me sleeping. I didn't take you for a peeping tom, maybe I should have."

"Oh don't flatter yourself. Bobby called me."

My body quickly turned cold why would Bobby call him, at this hour of night? I knew them to be close but not—calling at all hours of the night for favours—close.

"Now why in the hell would he do that John-John?"

"Would you shut up with that? you know I hate that nickname. Bob called me cause he needed me to bring some of mom's papers to the office."

How peculiar, you thought. Didn't Bobby just say, mere hours ago, that he'd left papers for Mrs Kennedy in his office? Not finding it particularly relevant you decline to tell John this fact.

"Why would he call you? He'd have a better job getting Freckles to go find it first."

"Stop that will ya? To be honest I think he's just giving me something to do I guess he feels sorry for me. Y'know about the Claudia stuff."

A melancholic stupor falls over his face, and you start to feel like you're talking to a real human being: y'know with feelings and thoughts. Seemingly some of the hubris had fallen from his features at the mere mention of that girl. You'd heard that Jackie never liked her found her too eccentric for her likening.

Uncomfortable with the certain intimacy he'd uncharacteristically shared with you, you try to lighten the mood

"If you want some basic bitch, go to the Beverly Center and find her. I'm sure the girls down fifth avenue would simply fawn over just the sight of you."

"Don't act like you're any different. You fawn over as much as the rest of them, nothing better to do", he says with a performed confidence.

"For the record I did have things to do. I don't normally mop around like you tell Bobby I do all damn day"

"Oh yeah? What things do you have to do?"

"Not much at all but I strain to think of it as your business"

"Well you are my business!"

You scoff "Oh-oh I'm your business now? Is that it?"

"You've been my business since the minute a saw you sleeping on the couch with tear stains on the pillow"

Time slows for several moments, shit how long had he been here to see you crying?

As if he can read your mind he answers your question with his next breath

"Don't worry I didn't see anything. Just saw the remnants on your pillow but it was enough to make me want to knock the teeth out of whatever boy made you like this." John says while still desperately trying to find Bobby's magically disappearing and reappearing file to deal with his uncomfortableness at his own outburst of sincerity. A mode unfamiliar to him normally.

Betraying yourself you blush like a schoolgirl, tipping your chin to your neck, the acetate claw clip clipped into your hair dragging along the base of your neck.

Slowly John makes his move towards you: precise and monitored. As if you're a wounded dear he doesn't want to scare off. Brushing a hand across your check: making his way down to tug on your bottom lip.

As if operated by magnetic pull, you meet each other's lips. Surprisingly either of the two do not fight for dominance, instead you two fall into a routine not dissimilar to that of a dance in which you both inhabit spaces of dominance and submission. A true push and pull.

A large friend graces your acquaintance and attention: in the shape of a prominent mound in his trousers, which he laughs off clearly embarrassed from getting this worked up over a 5 minute make-out session.

In the throughs of passion the papers John had been sorting through crumple slightly. That sound is what precisely stops his movements: clearly coming back to his senses and remembering that he'd promise Bobby that he'd find the papers.

Conflicted on how to move forward. John takes a big swing

"Y'know is there any chance you'd wanna come and rive with me to Bob's office, there's this Italian place we could eat at if you're hungry? Don't get me wrong I'd love—" gesturing down to the mound in his slacks "—to continue this further but I just can't let him down."

"Nah I get it. And I guess I'm a little hungry" you try to perform nonchalance to your detriment.

Chuckling at your faux coolness, John rises to stand wringing his large veiny fingers

"I'll go head and ring Bobby so he knows we're coming up, and meet you downstairs, alright?"

"Okay" you reply still out of breath as you watch him leave the living room and grab his Nokia 1011. Mortified yet extremely pleased with yourself you grab one of Jackie's refined choice of couch furnishings and yell into its feather filled centre.

A yell filled with utter disbelief and a renewed hope for the future—or at least for the rest of your night.

[puck-luck]

For your celly!! Can you do the 11 of spades with Coley 🫶🏻🫶🏻 no kink pref ❤️

warnings: flexible woman, established relationship, unprotected p in v, not very graphic sex. more allusions wc: 808

“Co, look,” you exclaim, thrusting your phone into his face. On the screen is a TikTok from Sabrina Carpenter’s latest concert– but that’s not why you’re showing it to him. Marcello Hernandez came to Sabrina’s concert, dressed as Domingo from that viral SNL skit that you’d loved the first few times you’d watched it. You were ready to let it go now that a few weeks have passed, but it was incredibly funny the first time you saw it. You’re glad Marcello is getting his props and his fame, although he does seem a little tired of the bit. Regardless, he appeared at Sabrina’s concert dressed as his character and played along.

Cole loved the sketch just as much as you did, so it was a no brainer to show him the TikTok you were watching. He lit up like a Christmas tree at the sight of it, watching along with you and agreeing that it was exciting and fun that that had happened. Then, you both moved on. It wasn’t until Cole had actually gone to sleep that another Sabrina TikTok came up on your FYP– showing you her Juno pose from the same concert. You’d always gotten a kick out of the poses, loving Sabrina’s outfits and how confident she is in her sexuality.

As you’re watching, she casually does the splits. HUH? You can’t say that you have ever tried that one– you used to be able to do the splits when you were much younger, but you’d lost it over time. Taken aback, but impressed by the agility, you scroll on. Two more stretching and splits videos come up on your FYP before you go to bed. Then, tomorrow when you’re on your break, you see a few more. You start to pay attention, wondering if this is some sort of bizarre sign that you shouldn’t ignore. It may be time to get your splits back. The idea starts innocently enough– and then you remember Sabrina.

What a treat that would be– if you stretched and trained while Cole was away, then surprised him by casually doing the splits on his cock. The idea is so comical and seemingly your destiny, if you believe how often your algorithm is telling you to increase your flexibility, that you immediately decide to get to work.

You start with lunges and butterfly sits, forward folds and pigeon poses. Little by little, you feel yourself getting looser. Within a few weeks, you’re not feeling the pain of the stretch anymore in your hamstrings. One week while Cole is out of town for a game, you test out your splits and you’ve got it. Right, left, and middle. You’re able to do the splits again.

Onto phase two.

You’re too eager to bite the bullet, so the next time you and Cole start to get frisky, you’re already planning what you’re going to do. You’re going to be on top, you’re going to start in a normal position straddling his lap, then you’re going to spread your legs to the side and do a middle split right there on his cock.

You plan goes perfectly. Cole’s under you, staring up at your face, his hands covering your hips.You watch his eyes go wide, then his pupils grow bigger and darker when he realizes that you’re spreading your legs as far as they can go, just so that you can take his cock more deeply. His mouth opens slightly in surprise and stays open as you start to move again on his shaft, rising and falling in a position you’ve never done before. You’ve fallen forward, stomach flush against his, just because of the sheer pleasure. His cock really has pressed deeper into your cunt, impossibly thick and satisfying.

As you’re bouncing on his length, he helps you out by thrusting up. The sensation is different than any other time that you’ve ridden Cole, which pushes more and more noises from your mouth. He’s all sweaty and strong beneath you, tips of his hair curling, and it’s not long until you’ve both come and it’s time to clean you up.

“You’re more flexible than I thought,” Cole compliments cheekily after he wipes you down. “We’re going to take advantage of that.”

“Cirque du Soleil?” You tease.

“I was thinking more like 1,001 Sex Positions,” Cole replies. “We’re checking ‘em all off the list, baby.”

“Cole Caufield, sex position connoisseur,” you say with a snorted laugh.

“Yeah, I’m going to be a motivational speaker when I retire from hockey,” Cole agrees. “We’ll teach the world how to fuck. Imagine the power.”

“I barely let you tell your friends about our sex life.”

“This is different,” Cole tells you. He grins. “My audience will be strangers.”

Because that’s better– strangers knowing about your sex life rather than Cole’s best friends.

[bambi-kinos]

Do you think Paul cheated on Linda in the 70s with John? Or do you think they never did anything with eachother again in the few times they saw eachother. (if they even did anything in the first place)

I think Paul cheated on Linda in every way possible including hooking up with John but not limited to that. Paul McCartney lived the rock and roll star life style for nearly a decade, starting in Hamburg in 1960 and culminating in marrying Linda in 1969. People can change but not that much.

Someone I used to know believed that Linda agreed to Wings because she wanted to keep an eye on Paul so that he wouldn't cheat on her. This may or may not be true but the effect is still the same regardless of intent because Paul is innately oppositional and spins to reject whatever expectation is being placed on him at any particular moment. (This is something he and John have in common.) Linda being present would incentivize Paul to cheat even more IMO because it presents a challenge and he likes those. (See the anecdote about Paul climbing the outside of Jane's home Spider-Man style and escaping through a flat belonging to a different family because he couldn't go through the front door. The man has a thrill seeker streak in him.)

It's impossible to know the true state of John and Paul's relationship but yeah, I think they hooked up at least a few times through out the 1970s. IMO they almost certainly had sex of some kind when they got stoned in front of SNL and there are stretches of time in their schedules where both of them are unaccounted for, if you're a lunatic and look for that kind of thing. (Who said that?!) John also has a comment where he mentions liking hotels because he can give the desk a fake name and then spend the night with someone. I don't have the quote in front of me but it was definitely an oblique acknowledgment of him fucking May Pang on the DL and I believe Paul would be included as well (maybe even during times when John "should have" been with May instead.)

But yeah I would easily bet $5000 that Paul was shamelessly cheating on Linda, not just with John but whoever else he could get his hands on. A man like Paul does not stop just because he gets married and has kids. My personal belief about John and Paul is that they had a sexual relationship once the band started gaining momentum, that they knew exactly what they were doing, but that they didn't have the guts to commit.

[cowgurrrl]

“I want to be great or nothing.”

Summary: When world famous rockstar Joel Miller finds himself in some hot water with the press, his PR team suggests fake dating an up and coming actress to refine his image. However, when they actually start spending time together, the happy couple can’t stand each other. Will they be able to turn it around for the cameras or will it all be for nothing?

Warnings: smut indicated with an asterisk, tlou au, fake dating, enemies to ???, Sarah is alive :D

01. Smile You’re on Camera [1.7k]

02. When The Sun Goes Down [2.6k]

03. BWFW [3.8k]

04. Kiwi [3.8k]

05. A plea for tenderness* [7.3k]

06. Blueberry Pancakes* [4.5k]

07. Losing My Cool [1.1k]

08. Never Thought [3.5k]

09. Layla [2.3k]

10. Pine Point [4.7k]

11. Old Friends Die Hard [3.6k]

12. Too Close [2.5k]

13. The Chain [2.6k]

14. From the Dining Table [4.5k]

15. Wonderfully Bizarre [1.2k]

🎸🎸🎸

Drabbles

A Soulmate Who Wasn’t Meant to Be: You settle into life without Joel

Night Shift: Joel settles into life without you

Tennessee Whiskey: A (somewhat) quiet night as you and Joel adjust to sharing life again

Thank God I Found You: You and Joel talk about going public with your relationship

Gold Dust Woman: Oscars season with Joel

The Actress: Red carpet interviews with Joel

Je te laisserai des mots: You and Joel realize forever doesn’t sound too bad

I Want To Marry You: Joel asks you The Question

Kiss Me Once, and Kiss Me Twice: You and Joel get married

Heavy Metal Drummer: When Joel’s drummer suddenly drops out, who better to fill in than the girl who’s been there since the beginning?

Just A Boy: Joel struggles with your newest cast mate

Small Bump: You tell the girls you’re pregnant

Beautiful Boy: You and Joel find out the gender of your baby

Hayloft: Joel being protective of his family

Choreomania: Sammy tries to figure out if he likes what his dad does

Brooklyn Baby: You and Joel welcome your son

Iris: Sarah and Ellie hold Sam for the first time

Hey Me, Hey Mama: Mother’s Day

Jackie and Wilson: A night in the Miller household

Little Wonders: When Mom Guilt takes over, Joel finds a way to support you

Mama’s Boy: Sam’s going through a phase

Daydream Believer: Daisy seems to know something you don’t

As It Was: You and Joel have an announcement

At Last: Sam doesn’t seem to know the difference between real life and acting

Daylight: An almost perfect Texas day with the Millers

Yo Gotti: You and Joel read thirst tweets together

Beautiful Girls: Your first night at home with your twins

Love You: Joel being the best dad to tiny baby angels

How Could I Not Love You?: A special day

Unknown: You find out Violet has asthma

I’m Still Standing: Actors on Actors: You and Carolina Garcia-Long

My Girls: The first of many Sophia and Violet days

Lucky: The girls are going through a phase

Girls On Film: Joel accidentally starts discourse

I’m Just Ken: A Halloween fashion show with the Millers

Live from New York: You and Joel take on SNL

Please Come Home for Christmas: The Christmas season with the Millers

Wildflower and Barley: Jealous joel

Bug: The BuzzFeed Puppy Interview

Salad Days: The t-shirt coup

The Millers: A Year in The Life: A documentary about your lives

So This Is Love: A Beach Day

Good Old Days: A SAG-AFTRA Career Retrospective

🎸🎸🎸

Extras 🤠

Joel and sundress season*

Dancing with Joel

Your instagram story 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11

ACL with the Millers

Joel’s tattoos

You and Joel find out you’re having a baby

Your reaction to questions about kids

Family headcanons

Random thoughts 1

Random thoughts 2

Honeymoon with Joel

Actress!reader freaking out about Joel on Instagram

Talking about your relationship with Joel

Sammy Insta posts

Family instagram posts

Sophia and Violet

Birthday headcanons

What the kids do later in life

Text threads :D 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

The kids’ instagrams

Grandpa Joel

Grandpa Joel pt. 2

Instagram stories: Barbie edition

Random family thoughts

[xf-cases-solved]

S2E10: Red Museum

Case: Bro, don't make me try to summarize "Red Museum," so many things happen and every single one of them is baffling.

You know what? This entire episode feels like an SNL Stefon sketch, so I'm going to write it as one.

If you're looking for a monster-of-the-week X-Files tale centering around obscure religions, look no further. Fox network's hottest new episode is "Red Museum." This episode has everything. A cult of creepy vegetarians who all wear red turbans and whose sermons are all written on the fly by a dude who has a really impressive WPM. Children wandering around the woods in their underwear with "HE/SHE IS ONE" written on their backs with black Sharpie. Walk-ins.

Oh, what's a walk-in? It's that thing where a body's original soul is replaced by a new, different soul for some reason.

But that's okay if that's not for you. If what you're looking for is a story about a deep-seated conspiracy of unethical medical experiments, look no further. Fox network's hottest new episode is still "Red Museum." This episode has everything. An awkward road trip with an old man out into the countryside where he tells you his life story, unprompted. A random plane crash implicating the local doctor. Bovine somatotropin.

Oh, what's bovine somatotropin? It's that thing where you genetically engineer a growth hormone and give it to cows to make them produce more milk.

Still not what you're looking for? That's no problem. For those of you itching for some more myth arc plot, look no further. Fox network's hottest new episode continues to be fucking "Red Museum." This episode has everything. A middle-aged white man you're somehow supposed to distinguish from the millions of other middle-aged white men and remember that he's the guy that killed Deep Throat. A complete lack of usable evidence. Purity Control derivatives.

Oh, what's Purity Control? It's that thing from "The Erlenmeyer Flask" where you mix human DNA with alien DNA to conduct a series of experiments on the unsuspecting human population. 

Also, there's a perv creeping on kids through peepholes.

Anyway. This episode... goes some places. 

Moving on.

Does someone die in the cold open: My notes say, "no death in CO, but that kid is fucked up," which I feel is a good summary.

Does Mulder present a slideshow: YES!! Our boy and his projector have finally been reunited at last! He hasn't done a slideshow since "Tooms," which actually makes it all make sense now, bc that was the one he did in court that made me (and Scully) want to die from secondhand embarrassment. Maybe Scully had been keeping the projector locked away until he proved he could be trusted with it. She had the key to the storage closet in her pocket when she was abducted.

Does the evidence survive the investigation: Yeah, nah.

Whodunit: Bro, I don't fucking know. All of them. They all did it. Every single person is complicit. You're complicit. I'm complicit. Just blow the planet up and start over.

Convictions: 🙄😒

Did they solve it: Last line of the episode is "this case remains open and unsolved," soooooo. I'm not even giving them a "no, but" bc they didn't even manage to keep Deep Throat's killer alive long enough to get any useful information out of him. Maybe they shouldn't have given you guys the X-Files back, actually...

[how do i determine if a case is solved? check the scale here: x]

This episode is sponsored by: Part one of this five part SNL Stefon YouTube compilation for those of you who had no idea wtf I was referencing up there

***

General Total Stats:

(green means stat has changed since last ep; red means new stat added to list)

Total Cases *Definitively* Solved So Far: 15 (they haven't solved anything since fucking "blood," and technically they weren't even on the x-files then. they haven't solved a genuine x-file since "roland," and i only gave them that one out of pity. time to just keep the x-files closed and assign them to the department that tracks down people who pirate movies. mulder & scully and the search for the Truth 20-something college kid making copies of jurassic park to give to his cousin in exchange for weed)

Total Number of "Mulder/Scully, It's Me": 9

Total Number of Times Scully Has Conveniently Not Seen Something Crucial: 6

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Been in Mortal Danger: 14 (i think they technically both could have gotten blown up, right?) 

Total Number of Times Scully Has Been in Mortal Danger: 14 (i expected these two stats specifically to be more disproportionate, but so far they're pretty even huh)

Total Number of Sexually Charged, Uncomfortably Intimate, and/or Flirty Moments Between Friendly Coworkers: 19 (bbq napkin scene. she wants to devour those ribs and then devour him)

Total Number of Autopsies Scully Has Performed On Screen: 5

Total Number of Times Scully Plays Doctor: 2 

Total Number of Times Mulder Talks to an Informant: 21

Total Number of Times People Making Out in a Car Are Hurt or Killed: 2

Total Number of Times Someone Correctly Guesses a Password: 3 

Total Number of (Plot Relevant) Nosebleeds: 5

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Tasted/Sniffed/Touched Something Questionable Without Following Proper Safety Procedures: 4 (it was just gas, but it was on the floor of a slaughterhouse, directly underneath a hanging hunk of beef, and there was a very obvious red can labeled "gasoline" sitting three feet away on the floor, so i feel like he could have made that inference without sticking his hand in it)

Total Number of Times People Fight in a Parking Garage: 1 

Total Number of Times Someone Says "Trust No One": 3 

Total Number of Times Someone Says "I Want to Believe": 4 

Total Number of Times Someone Says "The Truth is Out There": 2 

Total Number of Cigarettes Cigarette Smoking Man Has Smoked: 16 

Total Number of Maggie Scully Sightings: 3

Total Number of Lone Gunmen Sightings: 3

Total Number of Alex Krycek Sightings: 3 (no more krycek for right now 😔. mulder's projector has returned, but still we lie in wait for rat boy's resurgence)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look Up What State the Episode Takes Place in Even Though I Literally Just Watched It: 13½ (not only did i not know, but i wrote this up over the course of two days, and had already forgotten by the time i got to this stat even tho i looked it up yesterday)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look at an Episode's Wikipedia Page to Fill This Out Because It Was Fucking Confusing and/or Too Boring for Me to Pay Attention: 7 (i am still not convinced i followed the whole thing. i don't think it's possible)

[petercushingscheekbones]

some random jumbled thoughts/some stuff from the dt -ben schwartz podcast episode

love the story of how Ben got out of trouble as a kid for swearing by being funny (we also hear the david tennant nativity tea towel - a moment of ecstasy followed by deep shame - story again)

I always wondered how weird it must be for kids who's parents were teachers in their school. like i couldn't do that

Ben called David out “this is a classic tennant transition” when David tries to change the subject from talking about david's insecurity/sense of shame when performing (look i only typed half this sentence out before, it directly followed from the nativity story)

found it so interesting listening to ben talking about learning and doing improv. I can't summarize but i urge anyone interested to go listen

umm when did David do improv before. Also David Tennant panicking about the idea of doing improv and now he’s signed up to guest on an improv show at comedy club?

Ben talking about how in college he was first exposed to other careers like acting/imrov/comedy that he never considered before although he secretly always wished he could do (even if he wouldn't admit it even to himself) is so relatable (i haven't got to the actual 'trying out something else part' but i've done the 'admitting it to myself' part)

I didn't know Ben faxed in jokes for letterman and SNL for 3 years as a freelance writer. I didn't know those shows did that (also as someone pointed out gives his handle rejectedjokes context (why is there an actual tumblr account with that handle?)

I need to find the episodes of Letterman where you can hear Ben Schwartz say "fuck" at the end of the monologue when he didn't get a joke in

David Tennant fangirled over David Letterman and asked him for a selfie

dt likes the hulk because of the tragedy and misery of the character. and also cause he can smash things up

Ben likes Spider-Man because he's funny and from new york

Who is plastic man and why does Ben Schwartz like him so much?

I really want to know more about the last time dt auditioned and it went so bad (morbid curiosity). it's so funny how he refuses to say anything beyond, "i didn't really get what they wanted". i suspect there's a great story somewhere in there

Ben Schwartz had a terrible audition for a fantastic beasts movie (just as well it didn't work out) and he got into trouble for screenshotting a part of the script. David Tennant has clearly never heard of Snapchat. finding out that someone can know when you've taken a screenshot of something on an app blew his mind

two classic david tennant does a podcast questions were asked, "do you get starstruck?" and "does the freelance lifestyle scare you?"

just saying I would totally watch whatever movie they are pitching right now (whatever they were pitching at the time i typed this, i think it was either the two of them playing all the characters in 12 angry men or a dumb and dumber remake with anthony hopkins)

at the end Ben started humming final countdown (i think? if i remember correctly?it was a sort of rendition that wouldn't be out of place on nmtb) and David starts screaming “it’s too expensive!!”

[rottenpumpkin13]

Rufus does SNL Undercover Boss: Shinra. Including leaving a nice hallmark letter (with a handwritten "Sorry I killed your friend :(" inside) on Sephiroth's desk.

Undercover Boss

-

[Rufus' Confessional]

Rufus: Thanks to my disguise, no one will suspect a thing.

-

*Rufus walks in wearing a black wig and a Third Class uniform*

Rufus: Good morning. My name is Sufur and I'm a newly recruited Third.

Sephiroth:

-

[Sephiroth's Confessional]

Sephiroth: You would think he'd be able to afford a better wig.

-

*Rufus has materia training with Genesis*

Genesis: Now all you gotta do is blast a firaga at that dummy over there. Don't worry, it's very simple. Take your time and pretend I'm not even here.

*Rufus misses the dummy completely*

Genesis: HOW THE HELL DID YOU MISS THAT? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? IT'S LIKE YOUR TRYING TO IRRITATE ME. UGH. WHY ARE YOU ROOKIES SO INCOMPETENT?? YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW THIS. I DON'T NEED TO BE BABYSITTING YOU RIGHT NOW.

*Genesis walks away and punches the practice dummy on his way out*

-

[Rufus' Confessional]

Rufus: I overheard a group of Seconds in the break room talking about poisoning his coffee. I understand them now.

-

*Rufus is in Lazard's office when he sees a dart board with his own face pinned on it*

Rufus: Um...Director? What's that?

Lazard: Oh, that's how I practice.

Rufus: ...practice what?

*Lazard laughs*

Rufus:

-

*Rufus walks up to Zack and Angeal, who are talking in the hallway*

Rufus: Have you seen the Vice President's new shotgun? I hear it's massive.

Zack: Eh, not really. I've seen bigger.

Angeal: Yeah. Kinda seems like he's overcompensating for something.

*Rufus takes out his shotgun*

Rufus: I'm insulted.

*Angeal and Zack start screaming*

-

[Sephiroth's Confessional]

Sephiroth: I know for a fact Sufur is Rufus Shinra. Why? Because didn't bother choosing a proper name. He just spelled Rufus backwards. What is his surname supposed to be? Arnish?

-

*Angeal is taking attendance*

Angeal: Sufur, what's your surname?

Rufus: Arnish.

Sephiroth: Oh my god.

-

*Rufus and Sephiroth are talking*

Sephiroth: It's a rough week for me. This friday is the anniversary of my dear friend's death. His name was Glenn Lodbrok.

Rufus: That's terrible. I'm so sorry to hear that.

-

[Rufus' Confessional]

Rufus: And I'll do it again.

-

*Rufus approaches Sephiroth with a note*

Rufus: I ran into the Vice President in the elevator. He told me to give you this.

*Sephiroth takes the note*

Sephiroth: Sorry I killed your friend, signed Rufus Shinra.

Sephiroth:

Sephiroth: Did he...did he repurpose a valentine's day card?

Rufus: What do you mean?

Sephiroth: There's a giant heart with an arrow. The front of the card says "You've shot me through"

[deviiancetv]

Cinema Starview Presents: It Was Agatha All Along

I’m such a lover of the occult, witches, mystical beings and all, so Agatha All Along was a real treat to watch. As someone that loved The Craft, Practical Magic, Halloween Town, Wizard of Oz, Twitches, Hocus Pocus (sorta), AHS Coven, and many other witchy fictional stories in modern day media, this series falls right in line as a potential new comfort show to watch during spooky szn.

I’m not gonna lie, I still hate the name of this show, they could’ve came up or chosen a better name, but that’s not what’s important. Let’s just talk about how well this show was as a return to great storytelling from Marvel, cause they sure as hell have been flopping HARDCORE lately.

For starters can we just give it up to Kathryn Hahn!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 Kathryn is an amazing actress, her comedic timing is something of perfection. Her role as Agatha Harkness is both cunning, calculated, snarky, and yet deeply flawed and caring to her core. Her connection to Billy at the start of it all at first made me think Joe’s character was gonna be a mix of Nicholas and Billy, but Joe Locke being Billy makes a lot more sense. I loved how her story was both tragic and also had lots of depth to it.

I never did watch Heartstopper (don’t plan to) but he definitely fits the role. I think casting Kit Conner as his other half, Hulkling, would be THEE best casting decision and I hope they do that!! As for who Tommy will be, we’ll have to wait and see but I think Tommy will be introduced in that Vision series or maybe even Wonder Man?? And now that Ghost!Agatha and Billy are a team, I’m intrigued to see what adventures they get themselves in when finding Tommy

Might I add that Billy’s room is full of so much pop culture references!!! Like I’m jealous and I definitely need his room as my moodboard template.

I think I say this for everyone, that Aubrey Plaza kills it everytime in her roles. Her monotone and slightly edgy vibe is what makes her great for shows like this. Her role as Rio/Death was very poetic — the phrase “Death comes for us all” is so cryptic and yet so true. It’s the same thing with change being the only constant in life, and life is full of so many deaths and changes, but also there’s so much growth and birth happening all the time. I’m sure we’ll see Rio again, maybe if they FINALLY introduce Mephisto she could act as a henchmen or bounty hunter of sorts for him.

As for the other witches, Alice’s story was sad, but it didn’t feel fully developed as the other witches. Patti LuPone’s role as Lilia is soooo poignant and wispy (as they say). I love Patti’s roles so much, she’s become a favorite of mine over the years and her portrayal of a divination witch was phenomenal. Sasheer Zamata taking on this role was very interesting, I remember her time on SNL and to see her in a dramatic and whimsical setting like this was a nice change.

I’m just so glad her character Jen was able to be unbound by the spell Agatha placed onto her (as well as the cultural significance that represents). In a way, Jen was a final girl given everybody else died, Billy and Rio don’t officially count since they had grander importance than Jen does in terms of the MCU, but good for Jen. I hope we see her again someday.

This show was a nice return to form for Marvel. I’m not the biggest fan of how they treated Wanda in Multiverse of Madness, but I love the creepy supernatural factor that comes with this area of the MCU. I hope they keep it up, but by the looks of it, I’m sure there gonna be more mediocre content until we get to the end of this Multiverse Saga, however this was a nice break in between.

Jac Schaeffer has done it again ✨ they need to give her a raise and make her in charge of the supernatural sector of the MCU.

SCORE: 8/10 ⭐️

[i-really-like-phrogs]

So I watched Beetlejuice Beetlejuice, and I have some thoughts.

(BIG SPOILERS. If you have not watched it yet, do so before reading)

I didn’t have any expectations for this movie. Sure, I wasn’t thrilled that it was actually going to exist and was no longer a rumor; but I went in with as blind expectations of it as I could so I would take it at face value.

I nearly cried, several times—in the theater, and the entire ride home afterward… and it did not have anything to do with emotional beats.

I will be very honest, I’m really disappointed with how this movie turned out. They had everything going for them: The original actor, directors, the use of puppetry and special effects… but it just felt felt flat and washed out.

The biggest problem was that the story had zero focus. There were lots of good ideas: I loved the character of Delores, I was interested in learning about Beetlejuice’s past, Astrid and Lydia were okay… Except they were all just brushed over and added nothing to the story.

The scene where Astrid met her father and they reunited and he told them to take care of eachother didn’t make sense to me, because Lydia was just pretty much there, and Astrid was kind of a brat for no reason??? Yes, she hates her mom because she’s ’always talking to shitty ghosts’ or whatever, but why not do more with that? They should have put way more attention on Astrid and Lydia in my opinion, showed more of them actually trying to bond, because the end scene felt rushed and undeserved.

Also, the characterization just did not make sense. It was all the same faces, but none of the characters bounced off eachother or had any chemistry. They all felt flat, less than one dimensional. It really felt like an SNL parody of them rather than an official movie.

And the lack of ENERGY in the movie? Please do not get me started! They were trying to do lots of funny things with visuals and whatnot, but there was no heart to it, or campiness with something to say. you laughed, but it didn’t resonate with you because it just felt like it was thrown at you to try and cover up the fact that the story itself had no legs. Why was Delores even there when all she did was suck some unimportant characters, only to get eaten by a sandworm? Why didn’t she cause any problems to Lydia, or heck, even to Beetlejuice? I hate to say it, but you could take her out of the movie and nothing would change!

Grrr, grrr grrr… This movie made me very sad, because it forgot everything about the heart and goofiness that made the original special. The fact that most of the better fanfiction I have read does a better job of capturing this and their characters makes me angry to no end!

I’m sorry for being so mad. I will have some nicer things to say, but as for right now… I am going to take up my offer on pretending this movie doesn’t exist.

The movie was disheartening, but it doesn’t change how much I love the original as well as the other adaptations. I will adore every second of the original, there will still be cartoon doodles all over my sketchbook, the musical will still be on my bucket list of things to see live.

If anything, I can let it inspire me to create my own version of these characters thirty years into the future. Fanart is a valuable skill eable way to build on an idea and learn new skills, plus it helps me figure out what I do like in a story and what I want to avoid.

I will have much, much more to say… but I think that’s it for now.

[livwritesstuff]

uhhh so i finally watched the 3rd episode of The Last of Us. that shit was unpleasant. this is also…not happy.

I’d like to think that Steve and Eddie’s daughters watch The Last of Us as it comes out and spend the entire six weeks it runs begging their dads to watch it too.

Robbie is the one leading the crusade – the one who enjoys horror and sci-fi the most. Moe, Steve’s kid through and through, tolerates the genre, though she usually spends the duration of the movie or show questioning vague world-building elements. She does appreciate a good story though, and she likes hanging out with her sister, so she ends up enjoying it.

Hazel hates horror, slashers, all things scary, so she isn’t inclined to watch the show at all, which is mostly why the older two turn to their dads when they need an audience to channel their harassing towards.

Moe and Robbie pester them for weeks and eventually, about a month after the show’s final episode airs, Hazel approaches Steve and Eddie saying she wants to start watching it but doesn’t want to watch it alone, and Hazel is the baby of the family and they’ve got less than two years left with her until she’s off to college like her older sisters, so they’re usually inclined to give in to any and all requests she makes.

(And they never find out that Hazel only asked them because Moe and Robbie bribed her to do it).

The three of them watch the first episode, Hazel curled up in an armchair while Steve and Eddie share a blanket on the couch. Hazel covers her eyes during the more disturbing scenes and makes Eddie describe them shot-for-shot as they unfold. By the time the credits are rolling, they’ve all collectively decided they don’t hate the show (Eddie actually really enjoys it).

“That shit might be worse than what we went through,” Eddie acknowledges later that night while he and Steve are getting ready for bed.

“That’s...” Steve pauses, “Yeah, that’s fair. If I had to choose between the Upside Down and that, I’d choose the Upside Down.”

“It’s always nice to know things could’a been worse.”

“Shut up,” Steve nudges him.

They all watch the second episode the next night, and it goes pretty much the same.

The following evening, Hazel goes to a sleepover and tells her dads they don’t have to wait to watch the third episode if they want, and because Moe and Robbie had repeatedly said they had to see the third one, even if they don’t end up watching any further, they curl up on the couch under that same blanket (this time with one or two more glasses of wine than they would normally have if their kids were home) and settle in to watch it.

The episode starts out normal.

“Don’t we know that guy from something?”

“Which guy?”

“Ed – the only guy on the screen. Isn't he in that show Moe showed us an episode of – the one in the office with that one from SNL?”

“The Office?”

No, not The Office. Never mind.”

They quickly realize exactly why their daughters had been so insistent that they watch it.

“Is this the good kind of queer rep?”

“I never know anymore,” Steve shakes his head, “I just let Moe tell me that kind of stuff.”

The mood sobers quickly after that, and they don’t even make it to the end of the episode before Steve says he’s done. Eddie doesn’t respond, just turns the TV off.

They sit together for a while, Steve’s hand tight on Eddie’s thigh, Eddie running his nails over the nape of Steve’s neck, until Steve finishes his wine and lets Eddie pull him off the couch (at fifty-six, his knees aren’t what they used to be).

They get ready for bed together, like they almost always do, and Steve looks at the two of them in the bathroom mirror.

They’re older.

Obviously they’re older – it’s been thirty years since they first started dating (that particular anniversary is coming up, actually), and almost forty since they won the war against Vecna and the Mind Flayer.

Steve’s hair is very decidedly greying now, as is Eddie’s, though it’s harder to tell because his hair is lighter – and frankly, Eddie is more concerned about whether or not his hairline is going to start receding like Wayne’s (though it’s always been pretty clear that his hair is from his mom’s half of the genetic pool, so he might be in the clear).

They climb into bed, immediately reaching for each other.

“Eddie,” Steve says, his voice wet, and Eddie’s breath hitches.

Steve doesn’t call him Eddie very often, not like he did when they were young.

“Hey,” Eddie replies, pulling Steve into his arms, “Love you, Stevie.”

“Love you too,” Steve says, letting his husband hold him close, pressing his face into Ed’s neck so his nose rests on the spot that jumps with his ever-persisting heartbeat and trying to not let creep back into his brain the thirty-year-old memory of what Eddie looks like when he’s nearly dead.

He doesn’t think about that stuff too much anymore. He hasn’t had to, and after all these years, it sometimes doesn’t even seem real.

It was real though, and as he slips a hand under Eddie’s shirt to rest on the raised scars that still decorate his stomach and torso, Steve begins to kick himself for not considering sooner the possibility that it could still return, for not having a gameplan ready to execute to keep their daughters safe if it did.

And he would keep them safe. He would keep them safe the way no adult had done for him.

Steve and Eddie’s oldest daughter is twenty-one. Their oldest daughter is now older than both of them had been when Eddie had nearly died, when Steve had carried him out of hell and made sure he didn’t. All three of their daughters – even Hazel – are older than Steve had been when he got sucked into that horrible mess, and they’re still so damn young. He can’t imagine looking at any one of them and seeing someone equipped to take on what had been asked of Steve when he was their same age.

He remembers how grown up he'd felt back then at the big age of nineteen. In all fairness, it was the most grown up he'd been up to that point — he’s always the most grown up he’s ever been, but now, with the privilege of hindsight and two decades of parenting under his belt, he's able to recognize just how young they’d been.

They'd been kids. They’d all been kids, kids with body counts, kids who could look at an arsenal of weapons and know which one they wielded best, kids who'd lived double lives since their teens because, despite it all, they’d still had NDA’s they could barely comprehend shoved into their hands before they could even think to seek comfort from the adults in their lives who were supposed to have been there for them, but weren’t.

Steve lifts his head, still grazing his fingertips over Eddie’s scars..

“Hey, if...if all that stuff starts up again–”

“It won’t,” Eddie interrupts.

“I know.”

“It’s been forty years.”

“I know,” Steve repeats, “But if it did–”

“It won’t,” Eddie insists.

“Ed, humor me. Please.”

Eddie pauses.

“Fine,” he sighs, because he knows that the prospect of the Upside Down and all of its horrors returning is a fear for Steve in a way that it isn’t for him.

“If all that shows up again, just…don’t let me go back, okay? Don’t let me get involved again, because I...I’ll want to. I’ll have to, but I can’t...you–I, I mean, our–the girls–”

Steve is stammering and Ed silences him with a soft kiss.

“Steve,” Eddie says against his lips, “I know.”

He clutches Steve’s face in his hands, leaning back so their eyes can meet, so Steve can see the crow’s feet that have made a home on his face (Steve loves them, loves him, loves that their life together has been happy enough to put them there), “You’re my whole fucking world, baby. There’s no way I’d let you go. No fucking chance.”

Steve manages a nod.

“It’s not gonna come back, Steve, okay?”

“Ed,” Steve shakes his head.

“No – just say okay. Please?”

“Okay.”

[foxes-that-run]

what do you think Harry’s relationship was with Nadine?

Thanks for the ask and sorry for the delay. Like any girl in the 1D years Nadine Leopold was hated at the time and abused by directioners. I think it was casual and clearly a set up by Jeff who was always around. Even shippers of them only have them together for 3 weeks nearly evenly spread over 9 weeks. There doesn't seem to be bad feeling between them, he performed with her and her friends at the VS show in 2017.

Harry followed her on Twitter on August 21 2014, 1D was on tour and a lot happened before they were seen together which gives context:

1989 and JALBOYH were released and Taylor's RS article where she implied her (new) publicist (Tree) told her dating (H) isn't a good idea came out. The heart eyes AMAs are here too.

Harry raised the Hiatus with 1D at the Band Aid on 15 November and the band was actively falling apart and it was definitely time to prepare for solo Harry.

Then on 19 November Harry and Taylor go to The 1975's concert together and then Taylor sees them again without Harry. This is the start/basis of Maylor shippery.

Harry and Nadine were first seen the next week, 28 November 2014 at a Fleetwood Mac concert. Harry arrived back from Australia that morning and had what looked like a double date set up with Jeff and Glenne. The same day they went to Nice Guy in LA, also with Jeff and Glenne, maybe before or after the concert. He flew to London the next day, as did Taylor.

But then nothing happened for 3 weeks, during which 1D, Harry & Taylor were in London. Harry and Taylor were seen dancing together, being friendly and left the VS show 5 minutes apart and on 9 December 2014 a seemingly intoxicated Liam made a beard joke at Harry's expense on TV. Harry returned to NYC for 5 days (17 - 21st December) (he stayed at the Bowery) and was then was seen at Jeff and Glenne's in NYC where Nadine was with them, including the 1D SNL afterparty and gallery visit.

The classic Nadine photos were when he wore her purple fluffy coat she posted to Instagram earlier and H got mad at Paparazzi on (Jeff's?) suburban street in NYC, then she disappeared for another 3 weeks, during which Taylor said Harry would interrupt her wedding:

On 2 January 2015 and not seen till the 6th. In that time Taylor posted lyrics from Clean which Harry repeated a year later. On the 6th, Harry went to Shamrock Tattoo where Nadine had her birthdate tattooed. There was a rumour he got 'NL' tattooed, but it was never seen so I think not. Also no photos of him there as far as I know.

On 7 January Harry filled his car with Balloons and went to Craigs for Nadine's birthday, they also went to Cafe Habana with Jeff and Glenne 7 January. Then she again disappeared for 2 weeks during which Harry saw Taylor at Caleb Followill's birthday. During this time Taylor posted some snarky things including the Temper Trap lyrics kitchen and Haim Bikini Hawaii photos.

On 22 January they got Fro-yo together and Harry drove, this is the only time they were seen together without Jeff.

1 February - Nadine attended Harry's 21st birthday, (the only photo of them together is the one with her behind Beckham) there were media reports of PDA, though no photos of PDA or sources. (note Camille liked her post about Glenne's birthday) 6 months later, Harry was rumoured to hook up with Sara, the girl she is with in the photo at his party. Overall it does not seem his connection to Nadine was deep.

They were last seen a few days later 4 February at Go Greek on the way to the airport for the OTRA tour.. with Jeff. Harry was in Australia and Nadine in the US until the break up announced.

It was announced they broke up 10 march 2015, there were two stories both that Nadine ended it:

because she was 'too busy', and

she was worried he was cheating

There is a quote that I can only find on Tumblr 6 January 2016 attributed to her (in a german interview?) ""He's a really great human with a really big heart [...] We both have extreme careers, and we're doing our own things [...] What happened or didn't happen in the past stays between us." - Nadine while asked about Harry."

In a 'reality' show she said she received death threats and another model says they 'dated for a minute' Nadine doesn't say his name. (2018 Model Squad, x) it seems scripted, but whatever:

Xander - Nadine may have introduced Harry to Xander and Maxwell Ritz who he is still friends with (Maxwell at least). Xander appeared in Nadine's Snapchat in September 2014, Harry followed Xander in December 2014.