#what song would you say describes your current mental state? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

marahuyomae · 8 months ago

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His Mother's Prodigy: A Decision of Moral Justice: The Bitter Cost of Doing What is Right.

The road to redemption can be a difficult and treacherous one, and for Osamu, a former member of the notorious Yokohama mafia, it's no exception. Despite his best efforts to live an honest life, a part of his past still haunts him, and he struggles to reconcile with the man he once was.

But when Osamu meets an innocent young lad in need of rescue, he finds himself in the position of helping someone who reminds him of the person who originally introduced him to a life of crime. Even as the prospect of doing good weighs heavily on his heart, he grapples with the difficult decision of choosing to do what is right, while navigating the demons of his past.

Alternate title: Dazai gets peer pressured (More likely that it is work pressure)

Osamu Dazai is a peculiar yet idle individual with exaggerated pride in his abilities. Despite his attempts to act elusive, Dazai's demeanor revealed him to be transparent to anyone with similar cognitive capabilities. As much as he might look like a very great of a man, he was simply a Narcissus with a head, the beauty he was but with burdening intelligence instead. Despite his impressive physical attributes, People may have admired his unique gestures and enigmatic demeanor. Still, his carefree attitude and youthful exuberance seemed ill-suited for his role as a detective. In truth, he might have found more fulfillment in pursuing a career as an actor, model, or performer, with his distinctive appearance likely drawing attention.

But enough of describing such a portrait of the significance of something similar to another Dorian Gray- the more we talk about him, the more he would feel like a balloon soaring too high. Let's go back and retrace our steps to what he is currently doing, lazing on the Armed Detective Agency's couch as he hums the tune of a very concerning choice of song.

Osamu's colleague/partner was seated in the farthest corner of the office, grumbling about wasted time. The two had a significant workload, yet they risked further delays if Osamu's laziness continued to interfere.

Kunikida's eyes drifted toward Osamu's relaxed state, accompanied by a heavy sigh. "Please show a bit of consideration and pay attention to the President's instructions now. As Atsushi has made clear, the work we need to accomplish has been piling up due to your lack of cooperation," the taller man stated, indicating the albino who had begun bemoaning the consequences of Osamu's self-centeredness.

Dazai is humming the lyrics to a rather morbid suicide song. He rolls his eyes, annoyed and bored with the lecture but remains silent, not wanting any sort of confrontation. He looks over at Atsushi, who has finished his complaints, and he sighs. “I know, I know... I'm just so tired! Plus, these files are so boring... Do I have to work with these files? It's so unfair!” Dazai says, sarcastically.

Kunikida gazes at Atsushi, watching him finally stand up in apparent annoyance at Osamu's response. "If you are feeling ill today, it is only acceptable for us to carry on without you, but you should have informed us sooner if you were feeling overstimulated," the taller man mutters, to which Atsushi nods in agreement.

"Indeed, Kunikida-san is correct. If you felt unsteady or overwhelmed, it would have been acceptable for you to stay home and relax, as we are quite capable of fulfilling our obligations on our own," Atsushi supplements their senior's statements, offering assurances.

Osamu's reaction to their tolerance made his heart stop and his stomach churn, overwhelmed by the realization that he had repeatedly exploited their empathy for his benefit, resulting in their kindness feeling like a waste. He was ashamed of himself for continually utilizing his mental condition as an excuse to avoid work, while feeling powerless due to his inability to proceed with his tasks, despite his desires. This left him feeling nauseous and disheartened.

Dazai looks shocked as if his mind is in a spiral of thought. He wasn't expecting such an understanding reply and was taken off guard. He feels ashamed for exploiting his mental condition all this time. ‘They haven't given up on me yet... I can't just betray their kind demeanor like this..’ he thinks to himself.

While he had no energy to perform tasks at the moment, Osamu was able to push aside his negative emotions and force himself to get up and join his colleagues in their shared obligations. Dazai gets up and pulls out a file, he opens it and begins reading. He's silent and surprisingly attentive. He takes notes and appears very focused. He still feels shame for the recent events, but he's working through his guilt to be of assistance.

Kunikida and Atsushi both gaze at Osamu with gratitude, occasionally offering gentle gestures of support such as patting his shoulder or providing refreshments to assist him in his tasks. In addition, Kunikida expresses concern by repeating the question, "Are you sure you can manage? We do not wish to make you feel worse or fatigued?" He proceeds to jot down notes in his notebook to monitor Osamu's condition for the next 40 minutes.

While his mind still lingers on the previous events, he's determined to stay focused on his current task. Even though he was tired, he was getting work done. He replies to Kunikida, "No worries. I'm fine!" while taking a swig of coffee. He resumes work, making it obvious that he's trying his best to get his job done.

Kunikida nods as he briefly scrutinizes his notes again. "My apologies, I left out a significant piece of information. We are scheduled to investigate the Osanbashi Yokohama International Passenger Terminal this afternoon due to reports of suspicious activity from nearby residents.", he informs, taking a break to re-evaluate their schedule. Kunikida seems concerned about the amount of effort Osamu may be capable of mustering after an earlier crisis, not wanting to overtax his partner who has special needs. "I do understand if you are not feeling up to the task. Let's ask the President to allow you to depart early if that's what you prefer.", he offers, expressing accommodation to Osamu's situation.

‘Special needs... Huh..’ Dazai thinks to himself, not wanting to be perceived as someone with issues. He's determined to make it seem like he's perfectly normal. "Nonsense! I can do the job. Just a little tiring, nothing more. I'll be able to keep up just fine." Dazai says, taking on a reassuring tone.

Despite Osamu's attempts to downplay his condition, Kunikida is aware that his partner has particular requirements and chooses not to push him to his limits. Therefore, he opts to permit Osamu's participation while reminding him to wrap up as many duties as possible before handing the necessary files over to Tanizaki to ease the burden. "That seems reasonable. Finish up your tasks and entrust the necessary paperwork to Tanizaki if necessary...", Kunikida grants while maintaining mindfulness of Osamu's welfare.

Dazai nods and returns to his work, finishing up his current tasks within the allotted timeframe. As he finished up, he gathered the necessary files and handed them over to Tanizaki. It was then when the fatigue finally set in on him, his head starting to whirl and his vision blurring. He tries to focus, but his fatigue and exhaustion make it difficult to concentrate.

Kunikida, upon sighting Dazai's state, looks back one more time and queries, "Are you certain you have the stamina to join us? Avoid overextending yourself."

Dazai sighs. It is obvious that he is not feeling his best, but he continues to put on a front. He responds to Kunikida's concerns, "I'll be fine. It's just a little fatigue. I've dealt with worse." Dazai's breathing grows heavy and his head begins to spin. This was his limit.

(Your rizz is a rizz-training order)

Kunikida was acutely aware of Dazai's limitations and knew that his partner often spoke about what he could not accomplish. He understood Dazai well enough to recognize when he was brushing off work and knew that Dazai needed rest. During such moments, Kunikida would only sigh at Dazai's stubbornness and strive to reach a compromise, "Come along then, but do keep in mind that there's three of us, don't take all the work for yourself when we get there."

Dazai knows that Kunikida is wise in his behavior and habits, and he's rather persistent in keeping him from pushing himself too hard. He feels that he is just being stubborn, and perhaps his partner is right. Still, he doesn't wish to appear like a liability by leaving the rest of the work to his partners. Thus, he tries to maintain his composure as the three arrive at the Osanbashi Yokohama International Passenger Terminal.

At the Terminal, Kunikida takes the lead in conducting the investigation, surveying the surroundings and questioning nearby residents. Osamu is quieter than usual, taking sporadic notes and remaining aloof. Kunikida takes a few minutes to assess the situation, taking note of the fact that Dazai is not feeling well, before making a decision. He decides to let Dazai rest, asking Atsushi to accompany him instead. “I think it’s best if Dazai sits this one out. Let’s not tax him and have him rest. Atsushi, you can come with us instead.” Kunikida offers while checking in on his partner. The trio of detectives arrived at the Osanbashi Yokohama International Passenger Terminal later in the evening. The terminal was located on an artificial island in Tokyo Bay and featured an iconic architectural design of suspension bridges. It was a bustling terminal with commuters rushing to catch their flights or ships.

The three detectives began their investigation while maintaining a distance from one another. Kunikida and Atsushi were searching the area while Dazai took notes on the environment. Overall, the investigation goes smoothly and without issue, with Osamu completing his duties and maintaining his composure despite his fatigue. Kunikida and Atsushi's support and understanding of Dazai's situation make it possible for him to continue his work despite his limitations.

After completing their examination of the area, Dazai felt strangely unsettled. He looked around, trying to understand why so many civilians would complain about what seemed like nothing out of the ordinary. He reviewed his written notes, taking in the fragrant aromas of vanilla, anise, benzaldehyde, and almonds wafting off the pages. Despite the lack of obvious signs of suspicious activity, Dazai couldn't shake off the feeling that something was amiss.

"Hey, are you doing okay? You seem a little off." Kunikida inquired, breaking his silence as he examined their surroundings.

"I don't know... It's hard to put my finger on it, but there's something off-putting about this place." Dazai replied, visibly unnerved as he scribbled notes and scrutinized his written observations.

After walking in circles and intently studying every single syllable and word, Dazai came to a potential conclusion. Although the air was rife with a strong scent of iron, he considered the possibility of the pipes being the source. The reason why people would complain about rusty pipes despite the recent replacements and approvals could be attributed to either Phantosmia or an infection in the nasal passages caused by the heat and humidity lately. However, since the Terminal is not a closed space with the potential for suffocation due to heat, he wondered what could cause these complaints.

"So, what you're suggesting is that the smell of metal is coming from a leak in the pipework?" Kunikida inquiries, his face still bearing traces of concern.

"While that might explain the metallic scent, I find it hard to believe that the leaks are solely responsible for the complaints. After all, we're dealing with civilians, and they wouldn't simply cry foul over an unpleasant odor. There must be some deeper issue at hand," Dazai replies, still scribbling down his observations as he speaks.

"As we just pointed out, a damaged pipe isn't the source of the metallic scent. In addition, there's a sickeningly sweet, rotten fruit-like smell that mingles with it," Atsushi speaks with an exasperated sigh, his keen sense of smell being hindered by the strange odor in the air.

"You raise a good point. If damaged pipes were to blame, we would have likely come across the same issue in other locations by now. It appears to be an isolated issue," Dazai responds, crossing off some of the previous hypotheses as they attempt to narrow down the source of the peculiar scent.

With a fresh piece of data delivered by his companions, Dahzai's investigation shifted to other areas frequently frequented outside the terminal. The aroma intensified, becoming increasingly pungent and disgusting, and he felt a sharp stinging in his nasal passages as if the air was irritating his sinus cavity. He scanned his surroundings as sweat poured from his brow, the scent reminding him of his youth with the Port Mafia. The stench was almost too familiar as if it were a signature perfume he had worn for years.

His mind drifted back to his time with the Port Mafia, where the same intense odor lingered in the air. Uncomfortable with the familiar scent, he brought his stride to an abrupt stop, his eyes wandering to a particular location. His heart started to hammer in his chest, and his breathing became shallow as he slowly approached what seemed like a small storage shed in the distance.

With urgency in his voice, Dazai called, "Atsushi! Kunikida! I've discovered the source! Hang back for now!" He instructed, motioning for Atsushi to restrain Kunikida from advancing, heeding his command to stay at a safe distance.

Kunikida's expression shifted to one of slight anxiety as he noticed Dazai's sudden change in disposition. He promptly heeded his companion's instructions, halting with Atsushi while keeping a watchful eye.

"Are you sure this is a wise move?" Kunikida muttered, evidently concerned.

Dazai failed to acknowledge his colleague's query as his full attention was focused on the small storage shed door before them. He cautiously examined the entrance and proceeded to turn the knob, making sure to be mindful of any potential hazards.

The knob's surface was slick with perspiration as his mind raced, terrified of the imminent revelation he was about to uncover. The terrible aroma was too familiar and made him feel queasy, urging him to turn away and avoid the danger that was sure to come. However, despite the growing dread, he took a deep breath and turned the knob quickly, allowing the horrid fragrance to seep out like an explosion. The smell was overwhelming, inducing a near-gag sensation as he forced himself to keep his lunch down. His nose crinkled, and the taste of the delectable dishes prepared by Kunikida for their lunch break soured on his tongue. Clenching his fingers to his nose, he prepared to confront the source of the horrendous scent.

A wave of nausea engulfed Dazai again as the putrid scent assaulted him, almost causing him to lose his balance. His body's natural defense mechanisms kicked in, and he began to drench in perspiration, his abdomen threatening to expel all prior meals. He was cognizant of the source behind the smell and anticipated what would await him as he opened the tiny storage room's door. Despite his mind desperately attempting to force him to run from the confined area, he trudged forth, summoning all the courage he could muster.

His trembling fingers searched carefully along the perimeter, straining to locate the light switch until he felt his fingers brush against a small metal lever. With a light flick, a dim light flickered and buzzed above his head, illuminating the tiny room containing a gruesome sight. Dazai stood motionless in the space for what felt like an eternity as the lightbulbs sizzled and crackled, his hearing filled with their echoes. His stomach turned at the sight before him, his throat almost closing upon itself to keep his vomit down. The unfortunate girl lay lifelessly on a chair, her clothing stained with dried blood that had long turned brown, as though death itself kissed her already and would greet her in the afterlife if he did not intervene.

The memory of his life in the Port Mafia flashed before Dazai's eyes, his mind drowning in a sea of anger and resentment. The stench was sickening, the taste of regret and shame welled in his mouth, his stomach threatening to betray him at any instant. It was all too familiar, and he knew he had to act fast. Moving to the body, he approached it cautiously and evaluated it for further wounds. The girl's lifeless eyes met his own, and he couldn't help but feel like her spirit was calling out to him for help, to save her from whatever horror she faced before it was too late. The weight of the world's pain and suffering seemed to rest on his shoulders, the guilt becoming too much to bear.

A wave of relief washed over Dazai as his index finger brushed over the girl's neck, his hand finally sensing a slight beat - a pulse - that was almost too quiet to be true. However, the gentle vibration was evident, instilling a sliver of hope in his chest. The relief of knowing the girl was still alive and had a fighting chance helped calm his racing mind and steady the shaking in his legs. He could finally breathe again, his anxiety easing as he realized his presence might still make a difference.

With an almost inaudible murmur, Dazai confirmed that the girl was alive, his voice barely carrying beyond his lips. Despite the relief coursing through his veins, he struggled to keep his composure and remain grounded, trying hard not to let his emotions overcome him.

"Her heart is beating... she's alive, she's alive," Dazai whispered to himself, his voice quavering with concern. He carefully shifted the blouse that had concealed the girl's injury, examining the spot. He prayed silently in his mind, "Oh please, let her be alright. Let her injuries not be severe..."

Dazai's blood pumped so fast in his chest, that it felt like a macabre rhythm that threatened to break his sanity. He stood abruptly when his eyes caught sight of a yellow scab, an infection, a physical representation of his fears and a stark reminder that time was of the essence. With the girl's small form cradled in his arms, he bolted to safety at top speed, the weight of her body reminding him of her fragility and vulnerability. He felt his legs burn, and sweat beaded on his forehead as he ran, each step feeling like it might be his last. Every second counted, and he could only pray that his efforts were not in vain.

Dazai dashed out of the storage shed, his mind and senses becoming more focused with each step he took in carrying the girl to safety. It was a race against the clock and he knew that every second counted. As he exited the shed, he could hear the sounds of the other detectives calling for him. His heart began to race even faster as he approached the detectives' locations.

"What is it, Dazai-san?" Atsushi's voice called for him as he saw his mentor running towards them, the unconscious body in his arms.

With an almost disbelieving look, Kunikida turns towards Dazai and sees the unconscious girl.

"Dazai... you found her?" Kunikida knew they would find something, but it wasn't in his expectation to find a half-dead body.

Dazai's voice gains strength as he sets the girl down and gives a thorough assessment. "She's alive. Faint pulse, but there's breath too. She must have been stuck in here for hours, but the miracle is that she survived all this time."

Kunikida's gaze lingers on her for a few more seconds, his eyes assessing her condition and the gravity of her wounds. "This is nothing short of miraculous... if she can make it, she's the luckiest girl in the whole world."

Dazai never believed in miracles, but he hoped that Kunikida was right.

While Dazai's past was checkered with acts of violence, his mindset evolved. With age came a certain degree of perspective, a recognition that life was precious and that even his worst enemies did not necessarily deserve death. So when he looked at the innocent girl, who wore frills and a dress that should have been white, his mind was devoid of any murderous intent. He wished for a miracle, for her to live and not suffer any further harm.

Dazai and Kunikida remained focused on the girl, carefully watching as her breathing and heart rate slowly showed signs of improvement. Kunikida continued to inspect the girl's condition, noting the lack of response and the pale color of her skin.

"We need to get her to the hospital immediately. She may need medical attention if she's been exposed to any toxins," Kunikida said, his expression turning serious.

Dazai, meanwhile, continued to monitor the girl's breathing and lungs, making sure she was still able to get air into her system.

"We should call for medical help," Atsushi suggested, clearly trying to be of assistance and contribute to the situation.

As the group of detectives considered their options, their minds seemed to be racing with questions and concerns for the unconscious girl. They all knew the urgency of the situation and were determined to do whatever was necessary to help her.

Dazai suddenly spoke up, with a determined expression on his face. His hands shook slightly, but the conviction in his voice was undeniable. "Call the fastest company vehicle, we need Yosano-sensei. This is a matter of utmost urgency, and we must keep it a secret for now," he ordered, his gaze fixed on Kunikida. The man nodded, then hastily exited the terminal with a phone in hand. Atsushi quickly followed, eager to help Dazai carry the girl. They knew that this situation required the immediate attention of their most trusted physician, and they were determined to do whatever was necessary to ensure the girl received the best care possible.

As the trio swiftly exits the terminal, they prepare to carefully lift the girl out of the building and place her in the waiting Company vehicle. Since Company vehicles can be ordered for many reasons, the one with the quickest response time is requested.

"Atsushi, you make sure her head is safe. I'll take care of her legs," Dazai instructs, getting ready to transport the unconscious girl out of the terminal and into the waiting car. He's being extra cautious to ensure that she's not further injured during the transportation process.

As the car pulls up and comes to a stop, the trio quickly gets in and settles in for the ride. Kunikida sits up front, while Atsushi and Dazai huddle in the back with the unconscious girl lying across their laps. The tension of the situation hung heavy in the air, with a tense silence enveloping the inside of the car. However, amid all the chaos, they all found a sense of relief in knowing that she was now in capable hands and that they were doing all they could to ensure her survival.

At this moment, Dazai appears to be somewhat relieved that they are on their way to the detective agency, where Yosano-sensei, with her extensive experience and expertise, should be able to handle the situation appropriately.

"Yosano-sensei has the most experience in the field, so she's our best bet to handle this situation," Dazai says as they ride to the agency.

In response to his statement, Kunikida nods in agreement and mutters, "I agree. At least now we have someone we can trust to take care of her medical needs."

The trio's ride to the agency remains quiet, with none of them feeling like it's the right time to talk about anything. Kunikida quietly stares at his notebook, occasionally peering over to check on the girl behind him. Atsushi, on the other hand, continually glances out of the window, afraid to even look at the girl lying on his lap. Dazai, meanwhile, continues to observe the young girl's condition. As he wipes away perspiration and dirt from her face, he feels a strange connection and attachment to her innocence. As Dazai tends to the unconscious girl, he's acutely aware of the delicate and vulnerable state she's in. He takes the time to clean away the sweat and dirt from her face and gazes at her youthful features. Despite never having seen her before, he feels a strong sense of protectiveness over her, almost as if she's his child.

"We'll do everything in our power to ensure she gets the medical care she needs... she will survive," he whispers to himself, still recovering from the shock of the situation.

As Dazai looks upon the unconscious girl, he is overcome by a strange feeling of familiarity. She seems to resemble a hazy memory from his childhood, and he can't quite place why. As he continues to stare at her pale face, a sense of unease grows within him. He doesn't understand why he feels a connection to this stranger. Dazai's thoughts are consumed by the strange sense of familiarity he feels towards the unconscious girl lying in his arms. As he stares at her face, a feeling of unease and confusion washes over him. It's as if he's seen the girl before, but he can't quite place where or when. The longer he gazes at her, the more intense the feeling becomes. His entire mind is lost in this state of perplexion and uncertainty.

As Dazai looks down at the face of the unconscious girl, a fleeting vision of a mischievous doctor flashes through his mind. The doctor, the leader of the Port Mafia, was someone he had once seen as his equal. The memory brings a bitter smile to his face, as thoughts of the hurt he had suffered at the hands of Mori Ougai flood back to him. It was an event that had forever changed their relationship.

Dazai can't help but find a sense of irony in the fact that such an innocent-looking girl could bear a striking resemblance to his former boss. The more he stares at her, the more it seems that she might be a physical manifestation of everything that had gone wrong between him and Mori. The memory of his old partner brings up a mix of emotions within him, and he can't help but wonder if he will ever be able to let go of the past.

As Dazai gazes down at the unconscious girl, the memories of his past with Mori Ougai begin to flood his mind. He can't help but feel a sense of guilt over how their relationship ended, even though he knows it was for the best. As he continues to study her features, he's struck by the uncanny resemblance she bears to his former boss and mentor. Was she somehow linked to the past that he so desperately wanted to leave behind? Could she be a physical manifestation of everything that had gone wrong between them? He wasn't sure if he would ever be able to let go of the past, but the memories refused to leave him.

As they reach the entrance, Atsushi quickly gets out of the vehicle and tries to remove the unconscious girl. He's met with Dazai's hand on the girl's body, though, and the older man refuses to let go. Atsushi is left puzzled as to why Dazai would prevent him from seeking medical assistance for the girl. "Dazai-san... the girl's infection...?"

"What infection?" Dazai snaps, still gripping the girl's body tightly. He's suddenly unsure if he wants to save her after all. It's an ugly thought, but one he can't shake.

Atsushi is left puzzled by Dazai's refusal to let go of the unconscious girl. Despite her dire infection, Dazai remains unmoved. He doesn't seem at all concerned about her wellbeing and instead, holds onto her as though his life depended on it. Atsushi's gaze turns towards Dazai, hoping to find some sort of rational explanation for his behavior.

"Dazai-san, is there something wrong? Why won't you let her go?" Atsushi asks, trying to gain a better understanding of the situation.

The trance Dazai finds himself in quickly fades as the reality of what he's doing sets in. The girl lying unconscious before him bears a striking resemblance to his former mentor and boss, the leader of the Port Mafia. Despite knowing that letting her live would be the morally correct choice, the thought of her resembling someone who had once caused him so much pain is overwhelming.

He knows that Atsushi won't understand his reasoning, but he tries to explain anyway. However, his words come out in a rush of emotions, making it difficult for his students to follow. With a heavy heart, Dazai reluctantly loosens his grip, allowing Atsushi to take the girl to get medical attention.

"I...." Dazai tries to get a handle on his sudden change in emotions. The realization of the girl's resemblance to his former mentor and boss is overwhelming, and he finds himself unable to explain his actions to his student. With a heavy heart and remorseful look on his face, he reluctantly loosens his touch on the girl, allowing Atsushi to take her away for medical care. Dazai can only watch helplessly as the girl leaves his care for the first time, wishing they could've found some other solution.

The panic immediately sets in as everyone rushes to the girl's side. Yosano begins her assessment of the girl's condition, quickly diagnosing her with acute sepsis. The girl is rushed to the infirmary, where she is placed on one of the hospital beds. The pure white sheets contrast her ghostly appearance, further exacerbating her condition from the lack of blood flow and difficulty breathing.

The girl's condition is dire, but the doctor is doing everything she can to save her life and keep her alive.

Thou Shalt Not Die

君死給勿

As the doctor spoke, a stunning and graceful display unfolded before her. A flock of butterflies took flight around her poised form, their wing beats filling the air with a beautiful melody. The doctor's eyes were determined as if she were the goddess of the sun, Amaterasu, who shone a blessing upon those below her. With fiery resolve, she sought to save the young life before her.

The multitude of butterflies descended upon the wounded child, their proboscises delicately drawing nourishment from the injured flesh, akin to maggots in the process of decay. The butterflies persistently fed on the child's tissue, subsequently regurgitating it, contributing to the restoration and healing of the wound, ultimately returning it to its original form.

The delicate melody of the butterfly's wings resonates in the air, their graceful fluttering filling the environment with a harmonious melody. The doctor's eyes are determined, showing her resolve to save the life of the young child before her. The multitude of butterflies gracefully swirl around the child, their proboscis gently extracting nourishment from the injury, akin to maggots in the process of decay. The butterflies relentlessly feed on the tissue, eventually regurgitating it to aid in the restoration and healing of the wound.

They all watched as the child regained consciousness. Her expression quickly becomes one of relief as she sees the girl breathing comfortably. The doctor's lips curl up into a small smile at the healthy color returning to the child's face. Despite the girl still being disorientated, Yosano attempts to alleviate her confusion.

"It's alright, dear. You're safe here. No one will hurt you. Just take a deep breath and calm down..." The doctor, in a comforting and soothing manner, speaks to the child who has just awoken.

The young girl's breathing becomes more and more stable as the doctor speaks to her in a comforting, soothing manner. Her expression shifts into one of relief, with a healthy color returning to her face, alleviating her confusion and disorientation. The doctor assures her that she is safe, and no one will harm her. The child takes a deep breath, taking the doctor's advice, and begins to calm down.

As the child slowly gains her bearings, she queries with a soft and barely audible voice, "Wha-what...? Where am I...?”

"Shh... Shhhh... Shhh... It's okay, honey, you're safe. Please, don't panic!" Yosano gently speaks to the child, using her most reassuringly sweet voice. She leans in closer to her and whispers.

"We're at the Armed Detective Agency. I'm Doctor Yosano. Remember, don't try to talk too much. It'll hurt your throat, okay? Take some deep breaths." The doctor gently rubs the child's back and guides her to engage in a series of slow, controlled breaths. As they slowly inhale and exhale, the doctor offers instructions, urging the child to remain calm and focus on her breathing.

The child, still trembling but gradually calming down, takes the opportunity to observe her surroundings. As she looks around, she studies the people in the room, taking note of the doctor who is instructing her. With her keen aubergine eyes, the young one turns her attention back to the doctor and poses her inquiry, "Was it acute sepsis?” she paused as she caught her breath, “I was on rounds to check on patients, but I accidentally left one of them unattended for a period. They were so incensed that they stabbed me with a scalpel out of spite. I didn't realize it at first, but soon after, I realized my mistake and the consequences I'd face. I didn't bother to tend to my wound, thinking it wasn't a big deal, but it turned out to be an infection..."

Dazai's eyes follow the conversation between the doctor and the girl. He notices that the doctor manages to keep the girl calm and relaxed, despite the serious condition she was previously in. As the doctor explains the cause of the infection, he realizes the circumstances that led to the injury.

Yosano instructed the brunet and albino to vacate her vicinity so that she could continue with the young girl’s care. At this point, Yosano realized that the child was a medical student- although they looked too young to perform hospital rounds. However, the incident gave her reason to pause and ponder her attitude and approach to her patients. She had to do better in the future, she realized, because if she didn't, she may end up causing more harm than good.

Dazai remains silent as he watches the interaction between the young girl and Dr. Yosano, taking note of how the doctor deals with the patient. Though he is happy to see that the girl is receiving proper medical care, he also notices the doctor's slight hesitation and pondering, which makes him curious. He wonders what the doctor is thinking and whether she is considering an adjustment to her practice as a result of the incident. Yosano shoos Dazai away, having noticed that he didn't fully leave her vicinity despite her instructions. Dazai, curious about what the doctor is thinking, lingers behind for just a little longer before finally heeding her orders, moving a reasonable distance away.

Out of stubbornness and curiosity, he hid behind the door to listen to their conversation, "So, you're a medical student?" Yosano asks with a smile. "And you're right about the sepsis." She adds.

The doctor watches the girl's movements with interest. She is observant, intelligent, and articulate, unlike most people her age. Even after undergoing such a traumatic injury, she is still able to speak eloquently and ask perceptive questions. She makes a mental note that this young female has potential.

Dazai remains hidden behind the door, listening to the conversation between the doctor and the young girl. He's curious to see how it plays out, and he takes note of the different traits and characteristics that the girl possesses despite her circumstances.

The child listens intently to the doctor's observation, slowly nodding her head to show her acknowledgment. Upon hearing the doctor's comment, her small form seems to swell with a sense of pride. With a soft voice, she responds, "Yes, that's correct. I'm a third-year medical student at Tokyo Medical School's college-prep course. Despite my young age, I'm proud to say that I have maintained high grades throughout my academic career."

Despite the lighthearted amusement on Yosano's face, the doctor takes a moment to ponder the intriguing piece of information that the child had inadvertently revealed. She notes with interest that the young one mentioned the Tokyo Medical School college-prep course instead of the present-day name of the university, the Faculty of Medicine, University of Tokyo. This revelation led Yosano to wonder if the child had arrived from the past, possibly 20 years ago or more, or if there was some other explanation for her statement.

Dazai remains hidden behind the door, listening to the conversation between the girl and Dr. Yosano, his curiosity peaking as the doctor ponders the revelation.

Dazai takes note of the doctor's reaction as she ponders the revelation that the girl may be from the past or at least 20 years ago. The notion intrigues him, and he wonders if there might be more to her than what meets the eye.

The doctor and the girl's conversation continues, with the doctor gradually shifting into a casual tone, teasing the young girl. Soon, the two begin bantering like they are familiar with each other, which catches the curiosity of Dazai who is still hidden behind the door and can't see the situation.

Dazai decides it's best to leave the doctor and young girl alone, realizing that the conversation has taken light and friendly direction, and they don't need any more interruptions.

He leaves the room, stepping outside to have a smoke, needing a moment to himself to clear his head to relieve some of the stress of the situation. He plans to take a break before facing the questions and concerns that Atsushi and the other detectives have for him.

As Dazai puffed on his cigarette, he felt a sense of relief wash over him. Even though the girl resembled the leader of the Port Mafia, he had chosen to act according to his sense of right and wrong. It was a small victory in an otherwise difficult situation. He looked up at the sky, his thoughts turning to the friend he had lost.

He wished that Odasaku could somehow see that he had done the right thing.

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attemptsonherlifepdf · 3 years ago

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bojack horseman and bo burnham: the art of acting like you’re acting and the comedy of misery

at the core of bojack horseman, raphael bob-waksberg’s 2014 comedy, is a story about the relationship between performance and depression. the protagonist of this renowned tragicomedy is best described as a sympathetic villain; he is shown to clearly be in the wrong across various events of the show, and is explicitly referred to as a bad person, but the audience is granted deep access to his personal struggles, resulting in some portions of the audience finding themselves on bojack’s side. the duality of his character is complex, but can be broken down into some core components, that all stem from the impacts of stardom and performance. the standup comedy of bo burnham arguably echoes this sentiment in real time. having been a performer from a young age, burnham creates work that serves as a satirical commentary on the life of entertainers. he uses original songs to explore the reliance upon and resentment for his performative nature both onstage and within his personal life. both the comedian and the netflix show are widely understood to be thinly veiling their critiques of the entertainment industry behind a particular brand of witty and absurd humour.

both bojack and burnham’s content openly criticises their audiences and explicitly states the manufactured nature of the narrative the audience is fed. in the fifth season of bojack horseman, the show satirises itself by having bojack star in a police procedural drama, parts of which are actively written by other characters to reflect events of bojack’s life. the titular character he plays, philbert, is the epitome of selfish male angst, and an example of what bob-waksberg’s show could have been; another story about a sad and angry man whose guilt supposedly makes up for the people he has hurt. according to bojack, philbert teaches us ‘we’re all terrible, so we’re all okay’, an interpretation that is harshly disputed by diane: ‘that’s not the point of philbert, for guys to watch it and feel okay. i dont want you, or anyone else, justifying their shitty behaviour because of the show.’ this moment is a direct reaction to some of the online reception bojack horseman has received. various circles of the show’s fanbase have found themselves relating to the protagonist to the point of defending his untoward behaviour, a response not intentioned by the show’s creators. this is not the only example of bob-waksberg’s ability to make his work self-evaluative. in season six’s exposure of bojack and sarah lynn’s problematic relationship, characters question their sexual encounter from the first season. the writers use this as a way of examining their own choices, and the harmful tropes they played into when using this exploitative sexual encounter as a gag. this self-evaluative quality is what sets bojack apart as a show that assesses the performance it participates in, much like the comedy of bo burnham.

bo burnham is known for directly addressing his audience, particularly in terms of discouraging idolisation and parasocial relationships. some examples of this manifest as responses to hecklers rather than a planned bit in the show, for instance:

heckler: i love you!

bo: no you don’t

heckler: i love the IDEA of you!

bo: stop participating!

he actively addresses the issues posed by being an entertainer, and encourages the audience to understand and recognise that his onstage persona is just that: an exaggerated persona. not once does burnham claim to be fully authentic onstage, and even moments of authenticity we see in his latest special, inside, are staged. we make the assumption that having the physical setting of a stage stripped away grants us a more personal look at the entertainer’s life, but he makes it clear that even in his own home we still see the aspects he has carefully constructed rather than the full truth. arguably though, parts of the show really are authentic; in his monologue during make happy, bo deconstructs his own show in a way that is similar to bojack horseman’s later seasons, admitting that all he knows is performing and thus making a show about the more mundane and relatable aspects of life would feel ‘incredibly disingenuous.’ in his attempts to separate himself from this onstage persona he actually manages to blur the lines between what is acting and what is now part of his nature as a result of his job. this notion is echoed in bojack horseman as bojack’s attention seeking nature is attributed to his years acting in front of a camera every day.

bo suggests that the era of social media has created a space in which children’s identities mimic that of an entertainer like himself, describing the phenomenon as ‘performer and audience melded together.’ in this observation he criticises the phenomenon. bo attempts to force the audience to recognise the ways in which their lives are becoming shaped by the presence of an audience and to some extent uses his own life as a warning tale against this. he points out the way in which the ‘tortured artist trope’ means that your cries for help or roundabout attempts of addressing mature themes such as substance abuse, mental illness and trauma become part of that on stage persona and therefore become part of the joke. both bo and bojack address these topics in more discrete manners earlier in their careers, but this eventually becomes expected, and thus they are forced to explicitly detail their struggles with these topics in order to be taken seriously. even then, portions of the audience are inclined to see it as part of the persona or as something that fuels the creators creativity and thus does not need to be addressed as a legitimate issue. the emphasis on creating a character or persona promotes the commodification of mental illness: any struggle must be made into a song or a joke or a bit, must be turned into part of the act in order to have value. this actually serves to delegitimise these emotions and create a disconnect between the feeling and the person, as it becomes near impossible to exist without feeling as though you are acting. even when an artist’s cries for help become blatant, they continue to go ignored because now they serve the purpose of creating content that criticises the industry they stem from. online audiences can be seen as treating bo burnham and his insightful work as existing to demonstrate the negative effects entertaining can have, and because this insight is useful or thought-provoking to audiences, he is almost demanded to keep entertaining and creating. in response to this demand, his work becomes more meta and his messages become clearer, and the more obvious his messages, the more people he reaches. this increases audience demands and traps entertainers in a cycle fraught with internal conflict.

during bojack’s second season, bojack’s date asks him, ‘come on, do that bojack thing where you make a big deal and everyone laughs, but at the same time we relate, because you're saying the things polite society won't.’ this moment exemplifies how aspects of his genuine personality have now become a part of his persona and this is demanded of him in genuine and serious situations, undermining the validity of his emotional reactions. he immediately makes a rude comment to the waitress at the restaurant they’re in and satisfies his date by performing that character he has set himself out to be. some circles of the fan base have argued that bojack is written as a depiction of somebody with borderline personality disorder, offering a psychoanalytical lens through which to view this notion of performance. a defining symptom of borderline personality disorder is a fluctuating sense of self; having grown up on camera, being demanded to perform to others as young as six years old, bojack’s sense of self will have been primarily dictated by the need to act. whether this acting is for the sake of comedy, or as a representation of masking his mental illness, when they need to act is taken away bojack entirely loses his sense of self and relapses into his addictions: ‘i felt like a xerox of a xerox of a person.’ burnham’s depictions of depression run along a similar vein; in his new special he poses the idea that his comedy no longer serves the same personal purpose it once did for him. he questions ‘shit should I be joking at a time like this?’ and satirises the idea that arts have enough value to change or impact the current global issues that we are facing. burnham’s ‘possible ending song’ to his latest special, he asks ‘does anybody want to joke when no-one’s laughing in the background? so this is how it is.’ implicit in this question is the idea that when the audience is taken away and there is nobody to perform his pain to, he is left with his pain. instead of being able to turn his musings and thoughts into a product to sell to the public, he is forced to just think about them in isolation and actually face them, an abrupt and distressing experience.

the value of performance and art is questioned by both bojack and burnham, particularly during the later years of their respective content. burnham’s infamous song, art is dead, appears to be a direct response to the question ‘what is the worth of art?’ he posits that performing is the result of a need for attention (‘my drug’s attention, i am an addict, but i get paid to indulge in my habit’) and repeatedly jokes throughout his career that the entertainment industry receives more respect that it deserves (‘i’m the same as you, im still doing a job or a service, i’m just massively overpaid’). his revelations regarding the inherent desire for attention that runs through all entertainers is frequently satirised in bojack horseman. bojack is comically, hyperbolically attention hungry and self-obsessed, and the show has a running gag in which he uses phrases along the lines of ‘hello, why is nobody paying attention to me, the famous movie star, instead of these other boring people.’ his constant attempts to direct the focus of others towards himself result in bojack feeling like ‘everybody loves you, but nobody likes you.’ his peers buy into his act and adore the comical, exaggerated, laughable aspects of his character, but find very little room to respond to him on a genuinely personal level because of this. interestingly, bojack appears to enjoy catering to his audience and the instant gratification it produces, whereas bo burnham becomes increasingly candid about his mixed feeling towards his audience. ‘i wanna please you, but i wanna stay true to myself, i wanna give you the night out that you deserve, but i wanna say what i think and not care what you think about it.’ he admits to catering to what audiences want from him, but resents both the audience and himself in the process as it reveals to himself which parts of his character are solely for the sake of people watching him.

within bojack horseman, this concept is applicable not only to the protagonist, but to the various forms of performer demonstrated in the plot. towards the show’s end, sarah lynn asks ‘what does being authentic have to do with anything?’ to which herb kazzaz responds, ‘when i finally stopped hiding behind a facade i could be at peace.’ this highlights the fact that because entertainers are demanded to continue the facade, they do not receive the opportunity to find ‘peace.’ this sentiment is scattered throughout the show, through a musical motif, the song ‘don’t stop dancing.’ the song stems from a life lesson bojack imparted to sarah lynn at a young age, and becomes more frequently used as the show progresses and bojack’s situation worsens.

sarah lynn is also used to explore the value of entertainers; in the show’s penultimate episode, she directly compares her work as a pop icon to the charity work of herb, arguing that if she suffered in order to produce her work. it has to mean something. she lists the struggles she faced when on tour: ‘i gave my whole life...my manager leaked my nudes to get more tour dates added, my mom pointed out every carb i ate, it was hell. but it gave millions of fans a show they will never forget and that has to mean something.’ implicit in this notion is the idea that entertainment is the epitome of self-sacrifice. there is a surplus of mentally ill individuals within the industry, largely due to the nature of the industry itself, but some may argue that the cultural grip the industry has, and the vast amounts of respect and money it generates annually, gives the suffering of these prolific individuals meaning.

the juxtaposing responses entertainers feel towards their audiences manifest as two forms of desperation: the desperation to be an individual who is held accountable, and the desperation to be loved and validated. we see both bojack and bo depict how they oscillate between ‘this is all a lie’ and ‘my affection for my audience is genuine’, or between ‘do not become infatuated with me im a character’ and ‘please fucking love my character i do not know how to be loved on a personal level.’ bojack explicitly asks diane to write a slam piece on him and ‘hold him accountable’, similar to bo’s song ‘problematic’ in which the hook includes the phrase ‘isn’t anybody gonna hold me accountable?’ for his insensitive jokes as a late teenager. their self-awareness is what enables their self-evaluative qualities, but self-awareness is its own issue. bojack grapples with a narcissistic view of his own recognition of his behaviour before settling on a more nuanced, albeit depressing take. originally he makes the assumption that in recognising the negative aspects of himself, he is superior to those who behave similarly: ‘but i know im a piece of shit. that makes me better than all the pieces of shit that don’t know theyre pieces of shit.’ eventually, during his time at rehab he is forced to reconcile with the fact that self awareness does not, to put it bluntly, make you the superior asshole, it just makes you the more miserable one. the show does, however, make a point to recognise how the entertainment industry protects ‘pieces of shit’, prioritising their productive value over how much they deserve to be held accountable, demonstrated using characters like hank hippopoalus. the show itself obviously stems from the entertainment industry, as it is a form of media produced by netflix, one of the most popular streaming platforms available. bojack horseman and bo burnham represent the small corner of the industry that is reflective enough to showcase the damage it inflicts. this is powerful in terms of education and awareness, and urges audiences to question their own motives and versions of performance, but the reflection alone is not powerful enough to help the artists in question. burnham’s candid conversations surrounding his mental health continue to reveal a plethora of issues somewhat caused or sustained by the nature of his career. within bojack horseman, bojack is only able to stop hurting other characters when those characters construct a situation that forces him to face consequence, his introspection alone is not enough. while bojack ends on a message of hope, suggesting to the audience that reverting back to the status quo is not the only acceptable way for events to end, it leaves stinging lessons and social commentary with the audience regarding the unnatural and damaging narrative that performers live through. on a similar but markedly different note, bo burnham’s work and personal progression is playing out in real time, and not in a way that is as raw and genuine as it appears. each bit is planned, even the most vulnerable moments that appear unplanned and painful. his latest special is not entirely devoid of hope, but does translate to audiences as a somewhat exaggerated look around the era of social media and the development of performance, using himself as an example.

the absurdist humour that often acts as a vehicle for poignant statements or emotionally provocative questions is very specific to each media creator. bob-waksberg’s use of puns, tongue twisters and entirely ridiculous circumstances served to simultaneously characterise his points as an expected part of the show’s style of humour, similar to bojack’s emotional instability, but also to make them appear gut-punching in comparison to the humour. burnham’s work is similar in that poignant but blunt statements are often sandwiched between absurd and exaggerated jokes, making them stand out via contrast but not giving the audience too much time to dwell upon them as they are said. performance art is second nature to entertainers, and is presented a an issue that is infiltrating the general population via social media rather than solely affecting the ‘elites’. bojack horseman and bo burnham present the duality of artists simultaneously attempting to level the playing field and increase their chances of survival in the industry, and encourage audiences to know that everyone is bluffing and you’ll never have the right cards anyway.

i.k.b

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tracer85s · 3 years ago

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wang yibo interview

full cut

q. yibo entered yh in his 10s, looking back at this journey, which year was the most memorable and meaningful?

a. most memorable would be when i was a trainee. the most meaningful was the year i debuted, 2014. i finally debuted after training for so many years.

q. describe your current state.

a. calm.

q. what is the difference in mentality?

a. if you have more experience, you won’t be nervous. when you first debut, you will be nervous. after you come on stage, you will not be nervous anymore. you can vent your nervousness through dancing.

q. is there anything you want to say to yh?

a. yh will get better and better and keep walking the flower road.

q. will there be any surprise performances today?

a. no, it’s just a song.

q. anything you want to say to your fans?

a. there is nothing to say.

#wang yibo #王一博 #interview #210717 #skjks ask him if he has anything to say to that 1 actor laoshi instead

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p---ink · 4 years ago

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Teach Me.

Author’s Note: So. I finally made a Peter Parker Fiction. And I know the gif is Arvin Russell, but that is for a reason, and maybe you'll see it, maybe you won't, BUT TELL ME IF YOU DO. So this is an unnamed OC fiction, but its mostly reader insert, aside from the fact that she’s black (surprise, surprise) and she has brown eyes. I made her an “OC” because of that fact. Also, get ready for some fluffy head cannons of Peter P. In the not-so-distant future though.

Summary: Maybe Peter Parker, isn't as innocent as he seems.

Warnings: Smut. Smut. and more Smut. Car-smut. Dark-ish Peter (Not really, but he’s not his usual wholesome self)

Song: Star-gazing by The Neighborhood. I literally based this entire fiction on this one song. Even if you don’t read the fic, you should listen to it.

Word Count: 5.5k

“If you don’t mind me asking,” She started, pausing a bit to give him time to look up at her, “ who brings a textbook to a frat party?”

His heart stopped for a moment when he realized who was speaking to him. But then he matched her grin shyly and replied, “It’s more of a conversation starter than anything.”

“Would you say its been working well?”

“I did somehow manage to get someone as pretty as you to speak to me.”

The smile that was already plastered on her face, grew wider along with her eyes and brows. “Wow Parker: Who knew you could be so bold after a few drinks?

“I’ve only had one, so the rest is all me.” He closed his book and readjusted his leg inviting her to sit. Then as if just realizing, he asked, “You know who I am?”

“Of course I know who you are. We went to Midtown together.” She said, getting comfortable on the couch.

“Yeah I know. But we barely spoke to each other. Sometimes I wondered if you even knew I existed.”

“I always kept tabs on cuties like you. Especially you, actually.” She declared.

“And you call me bold.” He muttered under his breath, a small blush creeping up.

“I’m always like this. Anyone who knows me, can tell you that. But anyone who knows you, would say the opposite. You were always so good.”

“Good?”

“Yes! Good. Innocent. Nice. Whatever floats your boat.”

“And I remember you being, bossy, assertive, and intimidating.”

She threw her head back in laughter before stating,“You say that like its a bad thing.” Coming down from her fits of giggles she adds, “You noticed me, too? Never thought I was on your radar.”

“How could anyone not notice you.” He asked. “We had English together our freshman year. First day of class, you challenged Mr. Frechowsky, for inflicting his political views on the rest of the class. He got so red in the face, after yelling at you for three minutes straight, but everyone was more shocked at you for being unfazed.”

“I forgot abou-”

“Sophomore year, you “accidentally” tripped Amy Shuemacker, after she made a rude comment about Ned’s weight. Junior year, you announced that you wanted to be not only the first female president, but the first who was black too. I remember telling myself you’d have my vote. Senior year, you almost had a mental breakdown when it looked like Michelle Obama was gonna run.” Peter finished, with not a hint that he was out of breath.

“I-” She was more than taken aback. “I’m embarrassed that you remember all of that. Its been like four years since we graduated. Frankly any other person would have forgotten.”

“I think its impossible for anyone who’s met you, to forget the day they did.” He admitted to her.

She just stared at him in awe for a moment. Mouth slightly agape from surprise. A shadow of a smile ever so present.

Even though he was the one to say it, it was his face that turned a tinge pinker than before when he realized the weight behind his words. He swallowed thickly, averting his attention to the patterns that lined the carpet, fearing that he made her uncomfortable. In all honesty, he used to have a proper crush on the girl, rivaled by even Romeo’s adoration for Juliet.

This was the same girl he once described as ethereal. He once told Ned that fairies wove the strands of her hair, and butterflies still lived there, claiming that he saw them playing beneath her braids. The sun literally lived under her skin, and it was the secret as to why it would glow, and why her smile was so bright. He would swear to anyone that listened, that the harp was made with her voice in mind, and that it, her voice, played a better melody. He used to be lovestruck. Guess those feelings still lingered.

If you asked him, two minutes ago had he gotten over it, his answer would’ve been yes. Would’ve been.

His sudden fluster—which she found adorable by the way, broke her from her trance as she grinned and said “Don’t act bashful now!” playfully shoving his arm as she uttered the words.

Quickly recovering from his earlier hiccup, he slowly returned her grin and tried to retaliate but before he could, “We have to go. Now.”

They looked up to see an irritated looking preppy girl impatiently scowling down at them. She couldn’t have been much older than 21, but no one told that to her clothes and aura. Her olive skin couldn’t hide the frown lines that had been assigned to her, nor the bags that would put a raccoon to shame. Besides the current circumstances that she would tell them in the next minute, Peter could tell on his own that the girl needed a date with sleep.

“What’s the matter Li? Is everything okay?”

“Yes, aside from the fact that Angie locked herself out of the apartment again.” She said sarcastically, muttering this last part under her breath “I swear I’ve had it with that girl.”

“Ah I see. Well then we better get going.” The girl affirmed, standing from her seat, making Peter rise from his. “Peter it was so nice seeing you. I hate to leave, I would’ve enjoyed catching up a bit more.” She said, turning to grab her coat.

“Well then we should catch up soon.”

She turned to nod her head, seemingly interested in his suggestion. “I’d love that. When did you have in mind?”

“How about now? if its a ride you’re looking for, I can drive you home.” Peter’s inner sixteen year old self, screamed at this opportunity. Time alone, with his four-year crush? He couldn’t not take advantage of the moment.

“I couldn’t ask you to do that. It’s all the way on the other side of town.” She informed him.

“But you’re not asking me to do it. I’m offering, because, ‘ya know; I haven’t seen you in a while and I’d like to catch up, too.” He said, second-guessing himself and praying that he didn’t come on too strong. “Ya know. Only if you want to.” He added just in case.

Taking too much time debating whether or not she should say yes, the girl’s friend did it for her. “Sounds great! I’ll see you at home.” Spinning on her heels, and walking out of the door.

“Well.” The girl started, smiling at her old schoolmate. “I guess that settles it.”

“Shit!” He cursed, killing the engine completely, and slamming his head back on the headrest. After a couple minutes of trying to get it to start, the boy gave up like his car did.

It had been a full three hours since Alisha left the party. The time was spent competing about who could find out more about the other. He learned that she still had a thirst for changing the world and community around her. She learned that the boy had been bitten by a radioactive spider and was now New York’s most friendly vigilante. She never knew that Peter could be so hilarious.

They were stranded on some back road, miles away from civilization, with rain coming down on the roof of the car like they owed it money.

“Peter, what did you expect?” She began to question, giggling as she spoke. “This car is so old, Fred Flintstone has a newer model.”

“Hey!” He cried, “Don’t badmouth Karen. She just needs a little work.”

“You mean a lot of work. Karen is ancient.”

“She’s been good to me.”

“Should I call Triple A?” She asked, ignoring his dramatics. “The rain will probably let up by the time they get here.”

“I’ve got this.” He sighed, readying himself to leave the car. “Besides, triple A doesn’t know Karen like I do. They won’t be able to give her the love and patience she deserves” He explained, the car’s rickety door sounding as he disappeared into the rain.

She heard that same distinct sound not ten seconds later, as he reappeared, soaking wet from the rain’s onslaught. His white t-shirt clung to his body, while beads of water raced down his skin. His messy locks, traded their dark brown hue for a jet black one, and his dirty converses shone a little brighter than they did before he left the car.

“Maybe that wasn’t the best idea.” He admitted, the leather making a squelching noise as he glued himself back to his previous seat.

“The offer for triple A still stands.”

“No. I’ll let this play out. But maybe I can call you an Uber.”

“There’s no way I’m leaving you out here all alone. We’ll let this play out.”

“But this may take a while.”

“I’m the reason you’re out here in the first place. And I like your company, so i’ll stay.”

Peter knew he couldn’t argue with that one, so he let silence befall the two of them. It stayed like that for a moment. It wasn’t quite awkward, but it was definitely palpable.

She thought to say something, he did the same, but neither could quite let their words come to life. It was unlike the girl he knew before, who said the first thing that came to mind. Unlike himself, who did the same, but in a less graceful way.

Finally, after what felt like hours of deafening quiet, Peter begins with, “How long have you and Brad been a thing?” The question fresh on his mind, since her phone rang yet again, with his ugly mug lighting up the screen. It was the fourth time she ignored the notification.

It was rare for Peter to hate a person. In fact he didn’t hate many at all. But there was something about Brad that always made his stomach clench. Didn’t help that he was sniffing around his girl.

“Hmm.” She pondered, tapping her chin with her index finger. Acting as if she was carefully thinking about it.“For about for-never and a day” She finally answered.

“Oh I thought, that since—“ Peter stammered, growing embarrassed by his assumption, and the disdain that coated his words.

“Anyone would have, with him blowing my phone up.” She sighed. “But alas, nothing will ever come of us. No matter how much he wants it to. Wish he’d take a hint.”

Back to silence. But this time it didn’t consume Peter. It gave him a bit of hope, enough hope to ask her his next question.

“Back at the party,” he started before pausing, which prompted her to question, yes, before he could properly collect his nerve to ask her what he wanted.

“Back at the party, you mentioned you always kept tabs on me. Especially me. What did you mean by that?”

“I may have had a small crush on you.” She answered without missing a beat. This of course took him by surprise, but not for long.

“Why did you never act on it?”

“Because I quickly realized you weren’t my type.” She said as if it was nothing in the world.

“Ouch. What did I do to make you realize that?” Peter asked. Though his tone was light-hearted, he tried not to let on that he was hurt.

“Nothing.” She replied. “You were just yourself. Peter Parker, the innocent good boy who would never harm a fly.”

Peter thought to himself for a moment. He thought long and hard before he decided to bring up the word she had uttered more than once tonight. “There goes that word again: innocent. What makes you think I’m innocent?”

“Come on Parker. Ned told me you once donated a one hundred dollar bill you found lying on the sidewalk to the local homeless shelter. And that was after you couldn’t find its original owner. That’s got innocence written all over it.”

“Does that make me innocent or a good person?”

“They’re one and the same.”

“There is a big difference between the two.”

“I disagree. The two are definitely interchangeable. Good people are the ones who haven’t been corrupted yet.”

“So does that mean you aren’t a good person?”

“I think I’m a neutral person. Not exactly good, not exactly bad. Just walking the tightrope. I probably would have taken the money, and felt bad about it later.”

They both chuckled at her statement, letting it end that segment of the conversation. Though Peter was done fighting with her about her type’s moral compass, he wasn’t done with the subject all together.

“So,” He paused, and she braced herself, taking notice of how every time he did that, a question she was reluctant to answer followed. “what exactly is your type?”

An uncomfortable breathy laugh passed through her lips as she answered. “I didn’t exactly know it at the time, but I’m able to put it into words now.” She admitted, taking her time as she explained.

“I guess ideally you were my type. Nice. Harmless. Smart. But I was also looking for someone who knew how to take control. I’m in control of everything in my life, so it feels good to meet a person who lets me relinquish that. Or in more crude terms, a person who has the ability to fuck my brains out.” She declared as she leered in his direction with a small smirk playing her lips.

She was only teasing. But she could feel that the air had grown thick on the side of the car that Peter had resided in. For a split second, she could have sworn that she saw something snap in him. But as quickly as it appeared, it vanished, making her feel as though she had imagined the entire thing.

But she knew that couldn’t have been right. Known for many things, her vivid imagination wasn’t one of them. His breath hitched. His shoulders tensed. She hadn’t imagined that. What he said next, after what felt like an hour of silence told her that she didn’t imagine anything at all.

“Did teaching me, ever cross your mind?” He asked. His grip on the steering wheel, turning his knuckles white. She saw his Adam’s apple bob after he spoke, and his chestnut eyes focused on the rain that splattered against the windshield.

“U-um I-,” She stammered, Peter catching her by surprise. She had to really think about his question. “I suppose it never did.”

“You still want me?” He asked her, turning his attention back on her.

“Huh?”

“Am I still your type? Aside from the fact that I can’t take control?”

She just swallows, before nodding.

Noting her surprise, but not relenting he says, “Then teach me.”

“What?” She questions, fearing she misheard him.

“Teach me.” He repeated, only elaborating when she scrutinized his face. “Show me exactly how you want to be touched. Kissed. Fucked.”

The way he said the word, fuck, was so filthy. It almost made her lose the rest of her composure. Not like she had much left. He had already rendered her speechless, now he was ruining her panties.

No. She wouldn’t let it play out like this. She had a reputation to uphold.

She peered over her shoulder, then back to him trying to assess whether or not he was serious. When his face showed no sign of amusement, she swung her door open, to trade her passenger’s seat for the back one.

The rain’s onslaught was still vicious, so her previously dry form was borderline drenched. July’s summer heat, did no favors in keeping her warm, and she had no idea if she was shivering from the rain or her nerves. “Are you gonna come keep me warm or what?” She challenged, trying to find her confidence again.

It was only seconds before Peter joined her, but it was no question that his body was shaking with anticipation. He looked at her expectantly, surveying her every move. From the way her eyes flitted to the ground, to the way her hands busied themselves by rubbing at her thighs. She was nervous.

It must have been a snowy day in hell.

“What should we do first?” She asked.

“Does the instructor usually ask the pupil what lessons they should start with?”

“Kiss me?” She suggested, half-ignoring his comment.

“Are you asking me, or telling me?” Peter remarked, amusement glinting in his eyes.

Annoyance overtaking her tone now, she demands this time, “Kiss me.”

“Say please.” He teased.

“Damn it Peter, fucking kiss m—”

And then he glued his lips to hers. They were sweet and gentle, like him, but still managed to convey his longing. He hoped the kiss would capture all the times he imagined doing it when she would flash those pretty brown eyes his way. When she would speak in a way that put an angel’s timbre to shame. Even when she would fucking breathe, he imagined kissing her until his lips fell off. He hoped the kiss would make up for all of the ones he was dying to share with her over the years.

The pads of his fingers roamed over her silky smooth skin, starting at her cheeks, ending at her neckline. He tasted the flavor of her strawberry chapstick, the same one that made her lips feel and look as smooth as butter. When he inhaled and tasted the faint scent of minty watermelon on her breath, he decided he couldn’t get enough. He wanted to kiss her until he committed to memory every bump on her tongue. Then he would be satisfied.

“Like this?” He whispered, pulling back to inhale the same air as her, almost turning feral at the sight of her swollen lips and blown pupils. “Or,” he started, leaning back in to go again, searching her eyes, “like this?”

Whereas kiss one was innocent and sweet, the way that Peter portrays himself, kiss two was the definition of what he could be…or maybe what he already was, she couldn’t tell. He was filthy with the way his tongue glided against hers. The hot wet muscle played hers like an instrument, before locking the two together. One of his hands planted itself on the nape of her neck, forcing her to feel every measure against her mouth. She couldn’t move if she wanted to, not that she wanted to. Just like him she wanted to relish the taste of him.

With his nose pressed against her cheek, and hers against his, they kissed like they wanted to touch the other’s souls. They began breathing in the rest of the other’s air, like they wanted to swap lungs. Exploring the other’s bodies, like they would die if they didn’t study the exact texture of the other’s skin.

It took everything in Peter to restrain himself. To keep his thumbs from traveling beneath her shirt. He nipped at his tongue to keep from nipping at her lips and skin. He tried shifting in his seat to distract himself from the shifting going on in his jeans.

It certainly didn’t help the growing tent in his pants when the girl planted her thighs on either side of his, rocking and rolling her hips to alleviate some of the tension in her panties.

She took over the kiss, setting the pace and overcoming the surprise from Peter earlier.

Her fingers, that were previously glued to his face, began fumbling with the hem of his shirt, peeling the wet material off and over his head. She marveled at his sculpted chest for a moment, before Peter followed suit, pulling her dampened top over her arms and flinging it over the seat.

A throaty groan passed his lips when she resumed her measures against his hips. Grinding herself down on his hardening member.

Her breathy whimpers intensified when his surprisingly warm hands traveled along her skin, caressing her soft flesh. She was getting more worked up the more Peter mimicked the movement of her hips, grinding upwards while simultaneously pinning her waist down.

She tugged harshly on the patch of hair that lived on the back of his neck, eliciting one of the sexiest groans she had ever heard. His heavily lidded eyes that held the same fire as hers, both scared and excited her.

As she leaned in closely, preparing her words carefully she ordered him to, “Kiss me here,” before planting her lips on his neck. Flattening her tongue to lick a stripe up the exposed skin, she began swirling the appendage before nipping, licking, and sucking until his skin had a reddish purple hue.

She got lost in the feel of him, succumbing to the sound of his hisses and moans only to yelp a moment later, when Peter mimicked her earlier actions.

With a fistful of her hair, and her exposed neck jutting out towards his lips he licked a stripe against the skin, just as she did earlier, only his measures were steady and calculated, taking note of every flinch and hitch of her breath. He found her sweet spot in seconds, focusing all of his attention there.

With her nails digging into his flesh, and her hips stuttering, Peter knew he had her where he wanted her. “Like that?” He rasped, pulling away to admire the strings of purple and blue that littered her skin.

“Fuck yea Parker; you learn fast.” She gasped, attempting at a laugh, as she peeled her chest off of him. She took a hand of his into hers, grasping two of his fingers as she bought them to her lips.

Hollowing her cheeks as she sensually sucked and lubricated his digits, she bought his other hand down to her shorts, beckoning him to unbutton them. “Touch me here.” She murmured, eyes taking in the wide curious ones staring back at her.

With the newly slick fingers, Peter did as she told him, dipping his fingers beneath the waistband of her panties and finding her nub instantaneously. “Right here?” He enquired, when her breathing turned shaky.

“Mmm, god yes!” She praised, as he worked his fingers over her.

Setting a consistent pace, Peter lightly grazed her clit, every time he ran his fingers up and down her folds. “Am I doing this right?” He questioned, flicking and teasing her core.

“Mhm” She mewled, “fuck y-your fingers feel so good” Her speech was now becoming slightly incoherent.

“Yeah?” He groaned, “What about my mouth?” He asked, just before unclasping her bra a little too effortlessly with one hand. Latching his lips against her perky chest, he massaged the other mound with his free hand.

Words were lost on her, as she became a wanton mess. She couldn’t fathom how he could be so skillful with both hands. How a person could multitask the way that he did was indescribable. His hand on her clit didn’t let up, but neither did the one that tweaked and pulled on her nipple. Not to mention the hot tongue that darted and sucked meticulously at her other. She couldn’t stifle her cries if she tried.

Riding his fingers, she pressed his head further into her chest, becoming greedy with his touch, as she sprinted towards her orgasm. She thought that this feeling couldn’t get any better.

Of course, Peter was full of nothing but surprises tonight, and needed to prove her wrong. He let two of his fingers slip inside of her, while a thumb replaced the ones that were glued to her clit. Rubbing circles against her sex, he pumped the two fingers furiously in and out of her hole.

“Does that feel good, baby?”

But the girl didn’t answer, Her mouth hung open as if she wanted to, but the words were jumbled somewhere in her throat. Her face twisted into pleasure, and she couldn’t do anything but succumb to his measures against her body.

It wasn’t long before she felt her stomach spasming, the heat pooling to her core, her already sensitive flower growing even more sensitive, as she came into his palm.

Her juices coated his digits, her walls fluttered around them, and her skin was now hot to the touch, as Peter forced her climax out of her.

Tears flooded her eyes, as she took in as much air as she could. When had she stopped breathing? Maybe sometime during the earth-shattering orgasm her old classmate was giving her.

Once the ringing in her ears subsided, and her lower region began to cool again, she thanked the boy and praised him as she said, “You did so well,” before planting hot wet kisses on his shoulder and neck.

She stopped when she felt his body shaking. Coming back up to eye him, she asked what he found so funny.

Peter tried to hide the smirk that plastered his lips but he couldn’t hold his act any longer. “You just don’t get it do you?” He asks as he casually licks and sucks at his fingers, just as she did earlier, relishing in the taste of her essence.

The confusion on her face and brain was evident. “Get wha—” He had her pinned on her back, before she could utter the last syllable.

The tight space was cramped, but the boy had more than enough room to stalk his prey. He hovered above her, ridding her of the rest of her clothes in one fell swoop, before delivering his monologue.

“I don’t know what it is about girls like you, but I swear you drive me crazy.” He admitted, before removing his jeans in a quick motion. “You always assume that just because I’m a nice guy, I won’t be able to fuck your brains out.” He informed, before revealing a hidden condom and rolling it on before lining himself up at her entrance. “But I hope that if tonight proves anything to you,” He starts, eyes finally darting up to land on her horror-filled ones, “it will be that your mindset can land you in a whole heap of trouble.”

And with that, he grasps the door above her head, before sinking himself into her.

Groaning at the feel of her, Peter’s facade dropped completely. Her tight little cunt feels even better than he imagined, and he hopes that he feels better than she ever imagined.

He starts slow, with the intent of her feeling every ridge of his cock, as it threatens to invade her stomach. Her soft tits bouncing with every thrust, send a jolt through his body every time her nipples graze his chest. The way his name falls off her sweet tongue, has him in shambles, as he picks up his pace, throwing slow and steady out of the window.

Her cries are loud in his ear, as he ruts against her sex. He’s so thick, its hard for her to think straight. He can feel the indents of her nails as they dig into his lower back; she tries to press his ass closer to her, never wanting him to leave.

Maybe if it were any other guy fucking her, she would have felt the seat buckle digging into her back. Maybe she would have felt her sticky sweaty skin on the leather of his back seat. Maybe the awkward position her head was in would have spoiled her experience. But with Peter, she could only focus on the pleasure.

His thrusts were relentless now. His hot breath was fanning the side of her cheeks. His previously damp hair, stuck to her neck, as he drove himself further into her skin. Nothing could distract him away from her in this moment.

Nothing but the faint glow of her phone, that is. It’s buzzing, and vibrations immediately catching his eye, as he held his head up. That same dangerous smirk that she saw earlier returning.

“Look who’s calling, baby.” He purred, overcoming the stutter of his hips. When he held her phone up for her to see, her heart sank at the mischief behind his words. Brad. “Should we answer it?”

“No, Pete!” She cried.

“Oh come on, that would be rude wouldn’t it?” He dared, before delivering a particularly hard thrust, that sent her mind into a haze. “We can stop so you can take this—”

“No! D-don’t stop” She begged, prying the phone from his fingers, and fumbling with the answer button.

“Babe? Hello?” Brad’s irritating voice answered flooding, her phone’s speaker. But the girl didn’t answer immediately, because she was too busy trying to stifle her whimpers.

“Hey Brad!” She finally choked out, sounding somewhat normal. How she managed to do it, she couldn’t say.

“Wow! Finally. This is like my eighth time trying you. I almost can’t believe you answered. What are you up to?”

“Should you tell him what you’re up to, babe?” Peter devilishly whispered against her skin.

“Nothing!” She whined into the phone.

“Whoa. Are you okay? You sound a little off?”

“You should tell him you sound like this because I’m making you feel so good.” Peter suggested, driving her body up and down the seats. “I bet he’d wish he were me right now.”

“I-I’m just a feeling a l-li-little sick is all.” She breathlessly stuttered.

“Should I come over?”

“Ah yes Peter!” She wailed, when the boy starts circling his fingers against her clit, while simultaneously grinding slowly but roughly into her. She’s no longer paying attention to the man on the other end. His curses don’t faze her, nor does Peter’s actions as he releases the phone from her grip.

“Hey Brad. Remember me.” He casually asks, ignoring Brad’s threats. “Yeah no man, don’t worry about her: I’ll make sure she’s real good and taken care of.” He promises, before ending the call, and tossing the device into the passenger’s seat. “Think he finally got the hint?”

Peter then takes the girl’s hips into his hands, lifting her inches off the seat, before pulling her body onto his dick at an ungodly speed.

Crying. She’s literally crying, with tears streaming down her face. Her voice is becoming hoarse with moans. She had never experienced such intense sex in her life.

Peter brings the hand that was previously plastered on the glass down to the girl’s face. “would this be the definition of fucking your brains out, baby?” He grunts, in reference to the girl’s constant repetition of his name. It’s the only word she can remember, as he fucks her into the chair.

His movements shook the car. The heat that their bodies radiated, fogging up the glass. The scent of their sex now embedded in the fabric of his seats. The boy was completely untamed.

Her screams were one among the things that set him off. The way her body writhed against his was another. The stutter in her speech another. But the unbridled lust that her eyes held, was the literal icing on the cake.

Thank fuck she came before him. Her tight little hole constricting and clenching his dick. And when he started slipping in and out, her eyes glued shut, and her chest started to rise and fall, he knew that she had came.

A sweaty fucked out mess before him, she needed Peter to finish her off before she was satisfied. “Drown me in your cum” She begged, and it was like he knew exactly what she wanted.

Unsheathing himself from her, he ridded himself of the condom, and started tugging violently at his cock. Fucking his hand, not unlike the way he fucked her earlier, he spurted his milky white seed all over her supple brown canvas, a husky groan roaring from his chest as he threw his head back in pleasure. His seed extinguished the heat that resided in her skin, and she closed her eyes shut, letting her head fall back down on the seat.

The image of his white paint, all over her stomach, chest, and tits, bleeding into his memory, as he came back down from his high.

Once back down to earth, reality began to sink back in. Immediately recomposing himself, Peter blurted, “Fuck are you okay? Was I too rough?”

His sudden outburst almost made her jump out of her skin, but she quickly recovered. “Oh god no Parker! I loved every minute of that.” She lazily smiled reassuringly. “Do you always fuck like that?”

Peter returned the smirk, blushing before saying, “I’ve always wanted to fuck you like that.”

After planting a final kiss on her lips, he reached into the center console, to scavenge a few wet wipes, cleaning her skin before discarding them.

Moments later, they reunited with their lost articles of clothes, pulling the fabrics over their limbs before crawling back into the front seat.

When Peter put his seatbelt back on, and cranked the car up with no effort, he felt the heat of the girl’s eyes on his skin.

“What?” He asked, dumbfounded by her glare.

“Was there ever anything wrong with the car?”

And then as if just realizing Peter mouthes oh, before telling her simply “No.” Adding on that he just wanted an excuse to spend more time with her.

“Well how the fuck did you know I wasn’t gonna just take your offer for an Uber?” She asked, more impressed than pissed.

“Because you’re a neutral person, and a neutral person would feel too bad about doing that.”

“There’s a lot of things I still have to learn about you Parker.” She admits, sinking down into her seat. Heat rising to her cheeks, as a new crush began to develop.

“Don’t worry. I’m willing to teach you.”

A/N: So like...don’t be afraid to tell me what you think. I swear I dont bite...unless you're into that. also this was edited it, but probably not well, so tell me if you see an error.

#peter parker x reader #Peter Parker smut #Peter Parker x black!reader #black!reader #Peter Parker fluff #spiderman x reader #marvel smut #marvel imagines #spiderman #Peter parker #black reader #smut #dark!peter x reader

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amor-immortalem · 3 years ago

Text

I Think I'm OKAY

genre: Angst, hurt comfort

length: two parter

warning(s): Feelings of abandonment, self-depreciating thoughts, suicidal thoughts (briefly), feelings of not being good enough, feelings of being unneeded and unloved

A/N: its just been a day guys. And Ive been think about this all day so I just wrote to get tge thoughs out of my head.

this takes place a few months after the epilogue of Everything Undesired where Azalea is still coming to grips with the fact that she's not her father's heir like she always thought she had been. Mammon and Arella really did try to make time for her but things just never worked out in their favor and it ended up giving their daughter abandonment issues.

She’s lost. Not physically but mentally- Azalea doesn’t know where to go or what her purpose is. Ever since her older brother returned from where ever the hell he’s been her whole life, she’s felt more alone than ever before. From her parents being busier than ever helping Cyrus readjust to life here in the Devildom to her twin brother being curious enough about their new older brother to spend all his time trying to get to know him, no one has time for Azalea any more.

Whenever she tries to reach out to either her parents or her brother she gets blown off. It’s always ‘I’m sorry, I couldn’t make it.’ or ‘I’m sorry, I forgot that was today.’ Forgot? How does one just forget about their child? And Azalea is sorry too. She’s sorry for existing. Maybe everyone is just tired of her. Maybe they didn’t need her anymore? After all, she was just her father’s back up plan. A back up plan. Yeah, it sounded as bad as it hurt- to think that’s the only reason he kept her around all this time. Despite how she might try, all she could ever do is fuck up. Why would her parents ever need a child like that?

She feels abandoned, unneeded. All she ever wanted was to make them proud- she pushed herself to maintain the perfect grades just for their praise. Hell, she’d even forced herself to take advanced placement and honors courses just for their approval but they hadn’t even noticed. And it’s not like she hadn’t tried to show them. The last report card she got in her last year of middle school had a note attached to it stating that when she entered RAD, she’d be welcomed into the advanced courses but of course they had been too busy to even look. Both of her parents assumed nothing had changed so they just didn’t need to see something they had seen hundreds of times already.

Why did they stop loving me? The half-demon thinks to herself, Was it all the fights? Was I not good enough for them? I wish I could make them happy the way my brothers do. I wish I was perfect like them, maybe then they wouldn’t have forgotten about me. Maybe I would still belong. What did I do wrong? Azalea can feel the tears dripping down her face. I’m crying? Again? Pathetic. People like me don’t cry.

She hurriedly wipes them away as she looks up at the stars that dot the night sky of the Devildom. She’s pretty high up on a rooftop. She wonders if a fall from this height might kill her or would it just leave her badly injured- the idea’s tempting. She’d come up here to clear her mind and sort out her feelings with how things had changed- how everything she thought she was meant to be had been ripped away from her, but it had just made things worse. She thought she was okay with all this change but after trying for months to find something new to do with the rest of forever, she found out the only thing she was ever any good at was getting into fights. Sure, she’d taken up sports on her uncle Beel’s suggestion but that led to even more pain when time after time, neither of her parents could be bothered show up.

Her phone lights up with a text from her father.

Dad:

Why weren’t ya at dinner today?

Azalea:

Why weren’t you and Mum at my meet today? Ya know like you promised ya would be?

Dad:

‘Zay c’mon don’t be like that. We said we were sorry but something important came up and we couldn’t make it

Azalea:

Sure whatever you say old man

Its what you always say

It's always something more important ain’t it?

Something more important than me.

Dad:

Azalea

Azalea:

Shove it old man. I don’t wanna hear it right now.

She always gets the short end of the stick. For parents that claim they care about her, they sure had a shitty way of showing it. As the family’s resident trouble maker, she’s not good enough for them. Whatever, she doesn’t even need them anyway. She deserves better than a family that doesn’t care. A family she no longer has a place in. And that was fine by her. Now that she’d finally admitted it to herself, she found it would be easier to ignore her entire family and live life depending on only herself.

With a shuddering huff, the girl shuts her D.D.D off and shoves it in her jacket pocket. She leaves the roof top, still in tears headed for the House of Lamentation.

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“Arella, I have to go and find our daughter.” Mammon sighs as he gets his jacket on.

“She’s still upset about the track meet, isn’t she?” The black-haired human frowns “If you’ll give me a moment, I can ask Aurelius if he’ll watch Mahlon and I’ll go with you. This is something we should address together.”

“I don’t think we got the time to waste, Hon. She stopped respondin’ ta my texts and isn’t answerin’ her phone. If I don’t go now, she might so something to herself. I’ll be able to cover more ground quicker if I fly since she could be anywhere- even up high where we wouldn’t be able to see her that easily.”

“Then go on, I’ll talk to her when she gets home.” Arella nods as her husband leaves.

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She enters her room through the garage door entrance. She really didn’t need to considering Azalea was the only one home currently. She knew Aurelius and Zulima would be gone for the rest of the weekend but still she locked her door to prevent any unwanted visitors- mainly her parents as she knew they’d probably come looking for her after the message she’d sent to her father earlier.

She looked over at the stack of unopened akuzon boxes- all gifts sent to her by her parents as ‘apologies’ for various things. Yeah sure, gifts were nice when they were for things like birthdays or Christmas but not when they were used as a way to placate her feelings when her parents missed things like track meets or science fairs or school functions that they promised they would be there for. It felt like a shallow apology so Azalea never opened any of them. They were starting to collect dust now.

Just because greed is her sin doesn’t mean its satisfied by material objects alone. There was more to it than that. Her sin specifically manifests with being greedy for healthy interpersonal relationships- things like money or material objects only did the bare minimum to help keep it under control and satisfied. She wanted her parents’ attention and only that so when they failed to keep their promises, it hurts her deeper than either of them understands- Azalea doesn’t even have the words to describe how it hurts her.

As she plops down on her sectional and flips on the projection of stars and constellations from the human world to calm herself down, she thinks about the way her greed is eating her alive as she turns on some music- a song her friend from the human world showed her called ‘I Think I’m Okay’. It was a song she really related to for some reason. As the song plays on loop, she thinks about how when she was younger- before her youngest brother was born- she was always of healthy weight and body condition. Nowadays with the lack of ability to satisfy her sin, she was just skin and bone. Despite eating constantly, she always feels like she’s starving and she’d be lucky if she weighed in at 90 pounds soaking wet- all of it coming from the weight of her bones and muscle. Her body is just burning through everything too fast and at this point Azalea doesn’t know whether or not she even has the energy to waste to transform into her demon form anymore.

The half-demon hears a faint knock at the door. Maybe if she doesn’t answer then whoever it is will get the hint and go away. As she watches the door open, a scowl appears on her face. Of course her father would pick the lock on her door. She doesn’t know why she’s even surprised right now. He never knows when to leave well enough alone.

“We need to talk...” Mammon says as he sits down on the couch next to her.

“I don’t wanna. Get lost.” the teenager rolls on to her side away from her father.

“Too bad. I’m not leavin’ until we do.”

“Then prepare ta die in here cuz I refuse.” She can’t let him fool her into accepting his apology when she knows full well he doesn’t mean it.

“You really are just like your ma sometimes- stubborn as all get out.” He sighs. “I see ya never opened yer packages. Why?”

She continued to ignore him. How can she get out of this? Maybe if she closed her eyes, she could fool him into thinking she was asleep.

Just get frustrated and leave already. It’s what ya always do when I won’t talk to ya.

She waits an hour, two, three but still he doesn’t leave.

Man is this getting annoying! Why won’t he just give up and go home already?

“Well, since ya won’t talk, I will. Ya know, Mom and I really are sorry we couldn’t be there this afternoon... I know you’re upset about it but we got called to an emergency meeting at the castle and we... kinda... forgot what time it was by time we were done. I know we don’t have a lot of time to spend with ya anymore but things are just so crazy right now... it’s difficult and when ya act like a brat like this it doesn’t make things any easier.” And Mammon realizes too late that he’s said the wrong thing and put his foot in his mouth.

“Right... cuz that’s all I am is a spoiled brat...” Azalea can’t help the way her voice quakes. “I’m a brat because I asked for you and mum to pay attention to me over the boys just this once and you two let me down and now, I’m getting blamed for being as upset as I am. Yeah, that makes perfect sense.”

“Azalea, that’s not what I meant and you know that,” Mammon places his hand on her shoulder to turn her over and is shocked when all he feels is bone and muscles that are beginning to atrophy. “What are you doing to yourself? Yer nothin’ but skin an’ bone, Baby.”

“I’M NOT THE ONE WHOSE DOING THIS TO ME!” she roars as she hops up from the couch. “IT’S YOU TWO. YOU’RE THE ONES DOING THIS TO ME!” and then her voice suddenly drops. “But you would notice that if you spent more than five seconds with me. My greed is eating me alive and it’s your fault. I’ve tried for months to get you or Mum to spend time with me and I get forgotten about every time because something ‘more important’ comes up or you also make plans with Aurelius or Cyrus and choose to do that over spending time with me. It’s either that or you both choose Mahlon over me and it’s literally killing me. I get that they all need you guys too and I’m not more important than them but it feels like they’re more important to you than me. And I hate it because...” She lets out a sob as she sinks to her knees, “Because you two are the most important people to me.”

Mammon looks at his daughter with a horrified look on his face. His only daughter feels like she’s not important to them but she was right in a way. Both he and Arella had been choosing her brothers over her- not intentionally but he can see why she would come to that conclusion. This was a very crucial time in her life having had everything she thought she was taken away and she was lost with no clue where to go. He and her mother should have been right by her side, helping her find a new path in life this whole time but instead they got so wrapped up in work and other things that now their daughter was suffering the consequences.

“No, baby that’s not true.” The demon says as he wraps his little girl up in his arms. “You are so important to us too.” He rubs her back as he rocks her back and forth, “We love you so much and I’m so sorry we haven’t made ya feel like that. We’re gonna do better from now on. I promise, okay?”

Azalea is hesitant to nod. How many times had she heard the word promise and then had that promise broken but even now as she’s wrapped up in her father’s arms, she’s starting to feel the overwhelming weight of her sin slowly start to go away. She just rests her head against his chest as her puffy teary blue to gold eyes start to slip closed ever so slowly.

“Sweet dreams, Princess.” He says as he runs he hand through her hair and places a kiss to the top of her head.

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Find more on my masterlist

#obey me next gen #obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me swd #obey me! shall we date?#obey me angst #obey me mammon #mammon angst #om! mammon #obey me oc #arella #azalea

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nctsjiho · 4 years ago

Text

2 PM Suffering

Click here for Part 2 (there’s also a link at the bottom of the post)

warnings: consumption of alcohol and medication(aspirin), anxiety, stress, insomnia. I do not condone mixing alcohol with medication, it can be very harmful to the body. This story is purely for entertainment only. It’s not super angsty but I do want to warn you in case any of the aforementioned warnings can be triggering to you.

era: April 2021

❀ While the rest of NCT 127 is gone to shoot a schedule JiHo suffers alone in her dorm room, but Xiaojun comes to her rescue

It had been a few weeks since JiHo got withheld from NCT schedules until they could handle all the contractual issues. The initial meeting with the higher-ups in SM had really taken a toll on her mental health. The thought of maybe not being able to return to NCT and maybe even being dropped by SM was something she didn’t want to think about.

JiHo had been in so many meetings with SM, she couldn’t talk about it with the boys, all she could do was watch them continue on as NCT while she was hidden away from the public.

All that stress had caused her to have severe headaches almost daily at this point. She was awake until early in the morning, not being able to sleep, and then falling asleep due to pure exhaustion. And when she woke up only 2 hours after she had fallen asleep the cycle continued. Meeting, individual practise, meeting, yet another meeting, again individual practise, going home, sleep (or at least trying to).

It was currently 2 in the afternoon. She was home alone as all the boys were shooting some kind of top model series for the NCT 127 YouTube channel. Even though today was a day free of meetings for JiHo, she couldn’t help but still feel stressed and anxious. She hadn’t slept for at least 32 hours and the fact that she still couldn’t sleep was stressing her out even more.

She was sat on the floor of her room, relocated after her spot in her bed had became insufferably hot. She reached for the bottle of juice situated on her nightstand. She had bought it 2 days ago at the convenience store on her way back home. At the time she didn’t realise it was alcoholic, but after she had 2 glasses and she felt a comforting buzz in her chest, she knew it wasn’t just regular juice.

When she finished said second glass about an hour ago, she realised how it for some reason calmed her anxiety the tiniest bit. But the tiniest bit felt like such a relief. The lingering headache was the only thing - that’s what she made herself belief at least - that was keeping her from falling asleep.

Unfocused eyes watched how the small white container rolled in her hand. JiHo didn’t belief in medication. Pain relievers, cough syrups, even to anti-depressants, they only worked if you believed they would work. That was her opinion on that, yet at this point she had become so desperate having not slept for such a long period of time. “Just one won’t be that bad right? If they don’t work, then they don’t work.” She tried to convinced herself.

Three whole pills later and another glass of her ‘juice’ and JiHo had grown only more desperate. The headache had subsided for only a few minutes, so when it came back thrice as bad her anxiety had gone through the roof. She threw her head back in agony as her body shook violently.

“JiHo?” A shout came from the front door after it opened. “Taeyong hyung asked Kun ge to come check on you, but he couldn’t so I’m here with food and-” As soon as Xiaojun opened the door of JiHo’s room and saw the state the girl was in, he dropped the food he was holding and rushed over to JiHo. “What’s wrong? JiHo? Talk to me, what happened?”

JiHo’s face was flushed completely red, he hands balled up in fists tangled with her hair and her body was noticeably shaking. Thankfully he hadn’t come in 10 minutes earlier when she was a lot worse, JiHo thought.

Not receiving an answer Xiaojun’s eyes desperately searched the room for JiHo’s phone. Maybe he could reach one of the members, since his phone died just a few minutes before he had gotten to her dorm - he was relieved that he had memorised the passcode to the dorm’s door before it died, what would have happened if he couldn’t go in?

But as Xiaojun’s eyes looked around, his gaze fell on the juice bottle. He had recognised it as something Winwin once brought home to try it with the boys. “Isn’t that alcohol? But you don’t drink...” He could vividly remember JiHo say she didn’t like the taste of most alcohol, but more than that she just chose not to drink as it was something she didn’t feel like doing.

Xiaojun didn’t expect an answer so when it didn’t come he wasn’t surprised. “You drank a lot.” He picked up the bottle to see there was only enough left for half a glass. “JiHo-” “I bought it by mistake. But it’s helping my anxiety.” Xiaojun sighed at the words. He knew vaguely what was going on, but he never knew she was suffering from anxiety because of it. More so, he was sure none of the boys knew, because they wouldn’t have left JiHo alone like this if that was the case. He was aware of how overprotective the boys could be. Doyoung would’ve sent her to stay with WayV or Dream if he knew about this. So clearly he didn’t know.

“You shouldn’t drink like this though-” “What else am I supposed to do. I can barely sleep these days.” It was like she was straining her vocal cords just to speak. It sounded painful and the cough which followed only made it worse. “And these don’t help either.” JiHo mustered up all her strength to lift the almost weightless bottle of aspirin. Xiaojun’s eyes widened and his ja dropped at the sight. “You’ve been drinking and taking medication? You know you shouldn’t be mixing-” “I know. I’ve stopped taking them now, they only make my headache worse.”

The words couldn’t leave his mouth as the words dawned on him. She had stopped taking them. So she had taken more than one? And she had been drinking alcohol. “We might need to go to the hospital-” “No!” JiHo’s sudden grip on Xiaojun’s wrist startled him greatly. Her grip only getting tighter as she leaned in and that’s when Xiaojun finally took in her appearance.

He cheeks were flushed as well as her ears. Her lips were a bit swollen and her eyes bloodshot. The other hand that wasn’t stopping blood circulation towards Xiaojun’s hand was trembling in her lap. “I don’t need to go to the hospital.” She carefully enunciated every word, the look in her eyes almost terrifying the boy. “But let’s at least call Doyoung hyung-” There was no need for JiHo to interject with words to stop him from talking. Her shaking her head aggressively already did the job. “Okay, we won’t call anyone.” He whispered.

Xiaojun watched JiHo as she retracted her hand and brought her knees to her chest, face now hidden behind her hands.

Useless was the best way to describe how Xiaojun was feeling right now. He could only watch as someone, he had learned to care about over the past year and a half, suffer alone. He wished he could take away her pain, that he could make her fall asleep, that he could take away the thoughts that were keeping her awake and were stressing her out. But he couldn’t do anything.

“I brought food.” “I don’t think I can eat. I’ll throw up.”

“Do you want me to bring you some water?” “I already have some on my nightstand.”

“Should I bring you some tea?” “No thank you.”

“What can I do to help?” “Nothing.”

“Should I sing you a song?” “...”

Xiaojun fully expected to get his question shot down again. All his tries in the past 20 minutes were all unsuccessful. But when there was silence from the girl, a little spark of hope filled his heart. There was no “no” coming from her lips. And though he had loved an actual answer, the silence was the best response he had gotten so far.

It stayed quiet for another minute before Xiaojun stood up. He squatted down again to hook one of his arms under JiHo’s legs, and the other supported her back. He lifted the smaller girl up effortlessly and than eased her down onto her bed. He tucked her in with one of her thinner, but not the thinnest, blankets knowing she said she was feeling hot before and then settled down next to her bed.

His head was close to hers. JiHo’s eyes staring directly into his, which almost had him flustered but the situation helped keep his cool. He brought a hand to her hair and tucked it behind her ear as he kept stroking her head. “Close your eyes hmm?” She did as she was told and in a matter of seconds the soft voice of Xiaojun reached her ears.

The song he was singing wasn’t one she was familiar with, but JiHo didn’t care. Xiaojun’s angelic voice seemed to calm down her racing thoughts. Her body visibly relaxed which made the boy smile. His hand continued to stroke the side of JiHo’s head, the sight of her features softening, making his heart melt. Once he finished the song JiHo’s eyes fluttered opened slowly.

It was somewhat disappointing that his singing hadn’t succeeded in making her fall asleep. “Can you stay here for a while?” Xiaojun nodded his head without a second thought causing JiHo to give him a small smile and thank him.

Getting ready to sing another song, Xiaojun halted when JiHo shifted in her bed. She moved away from him before patting the spot next to her. It was an invitation for him to lay next to her. He hesitated for a second, not sure if it was actually okay for him to lay down in the same bed as her. Maybe it was the alcohol lingering in JiHo’s system, but when JiHo patted the spot again he climbed in anyway.

Eyes fixed on the ceiling as the words to ‘For Life’ by EXO left Xiaojun’s lips. He didn’t see, but could sense the girl next to him drifting to sleep. Her breath calmed significantly until she was breathing in a slow steady rhythm. The boy smiled, happy that he ended up being able to help her in some way. But he made a mental note to let Taeyong or Doyoung know about what happened earlier, along with telling them she was suffering from anxiety and insomnia, hoping that maybe the members closer to her were able to keep an eye on her and help her out.

---

Part 2

Side note: Again, I just want to put out there that you should NEVER mix alcohol with medication, please please don’t do it. I don’t condone such a thing, this story is purely fictional, I’m not a doctor so I don’t know in which doses alcohol and aspirin can be harmful to the body, but in general DO NOT mix alcohol with medication. Medication should only be taken as prescribed or as instructed by doctors or the manual (?) that comes with the medication.

#jiho.writings #nct 24th member #nct addition #nct scenarios #nct imagines #wayv imagines #wayv scenarios #nct angst #wayv angst #xiaojun imagines #xiaojun scenarios #xiaojun angst #xiaojun fluff #nct female member #nct extra member #nct additional member #kpop!addition #kpop!oc

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pipipinyyy · 3 years ago

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Explaining why I have added every song in my entire and very long Niragi playlist because I can and because over analyzing him is my passion (I usually update it from time to time but I'll do it with the current songs)

Completely self indulgent post, but I decided to share to feed my fellow Niragi stans (*˙︶˙*)☆*°

This is entirely based on my view of the songs and how I interpret them while thinking about Niragi. I'm aware that most of them have entirely different meanings, this is just for fun :) (Also sorry if my explanations don't make much sense, English is not my first language and I might make mistakes when trying to put my feelings and thoughts into words)

This may contain manga/s2 spoilers

Hayloft-Mother Mother: Vibes

Criminal-Britney Spears: The whole song describes him ("he is a sucker with a gun") and the fandom's obsession ("mama I'm in love with a criminal")

Daddy Issues-The Neighborhood: I feel like he would act like this, using the most vulnerable spots to pick on someone ("cry little girl, nobody does it like you do")

Psycho-Jin Dogg, OVER KILL: Vibes

Riot-Hollywood Undead: He'd definitely start a riot like he did in the 10 of hearts, burning and destroying anything that crosses his path

Bitches-Mindless Self Indulgence: He most likely thinks he's a total fuckboy and popular with girls since he can get almost anything he wants out of scarying people

Baby's on Fire-Die Antwoord: Vibes

Insane in the Brain-Cypress Hill: This man is being consumed by his own way of protecting himself

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing-Set It Off: Based on how he feels towards the people who hurt him in the past ("Listen, mark my words, one day, you will pay" "You've always been a huge piece of shit, if I could kill you, I would" "Karma is gonna come collect your debt")

Death no more-IC3PEAK: Vibes

Gasoline-I Prevail: Sort of similar to Riot, ("So burn it all down, burn it all down, I don't give a fuck")

Toxic-Britney Spears: The whole fandom knows how much of a piece of shit this dude can be, but we still find ourselves liking/enjoying his character (to an extent), a toxic addiction

Nice Guy-GRLwood: As much as I love this man, he'd use the "I'm a nice guy c'mon" card just to fuck. If he wants to, he'll get it, if he doesn't, he'll most likely get mad

Dernière danse-Indila: Vibes

TRRST-IC3PEAK: Mostly vibes, I kinda see this song as how he felt the first time he killed someone on purpose inside the borderlands ("mama they say I'm a terrorist, I did nothing wrong but I got on the blacklist")

Saint Bernard-Lincoln: Vibes

Nowhere To Run-Stegosaurus Rex: Being with him at the Beach would either be ignoring each other completely or a game of tag, no inbetween. If this man wants to kill you, he'll get his fun time out of it as well ("You're gonna die, I'm gonna kill you")

The House of Wolves-Bring Me The Horizon: Based on how he sees life after being consumed by his current mental state ("Show me a sign, show me a reason to give a solitary fuck about your god damn beliefs" "What you call faith, I call a sorry excuse")

Smells Blood-Kensuke Ushio: Vibes

SIU-Maretu: Similar to Daddy Issues, don't expect this man to be a therapist. If he sees anyone crying or panicking in or outside a game, he'd most likely tell them to suck it up, just like this song.

Judgement-Kensuke Ushio: Vibes

MONSTER ENERGY GUN!-KevinKempt: Vibes + He for sure has an energy drink addiction, specially pre-borderlands

HURT-1 800 PAIN: Vibes

Fear Is The Mind Killer-Zheani: Vibes

I Bet on Losing Dogs: Based on how I know Niragi is toxic, and most likely unsaveable of his deteriorating mental state, but I still have him as my biggest comfort character ("I bet on losing dogs, I know they're losing and I'll pay for my place")

Emo Boy-Ayesha Erotica: He's been in an emo phase (and maybe still is), the lyrics are pretty self explanatory, they describe us Niragi simps perfecrly ("come on fuck me emo boy")

Crybaby-Destroy Boys: Vibes

The Fox's Wedding-MASA Works DESIGEN: Vibes

You're a useless child-Kikuo: We don't know much about his past, but judging by the unstoppable bullying he's suffered, his parents didn't care about him, or were straight up absent. He's been insulted by pretty much everyone in his past to the point of believing it and telling those things to himself ("You're a useless child, the most useless child in this world" "Drool in snot, dandruff, shit and piss" "I'm a useless child" "Nobody will save me" "I'm a lonely kid")

Take A Slice-Glass Animals: Vibes

Fighting With The Melody-Jimmy Urine: Vibes

Comics-Caravan Palace: Vibes

Rhinestone Eyes-Gorillaz: Vibes

Butch 4 Butch-Rio Romero: Mostly vibes, sort of how I think the most "peacefull" moments in a relationship with him would feel like, kind of bittersweet feeling

Suki Suki Daisuki-Jun Togawa: Yandere Niragi. If he's interested in someone, he'd go through an obsessive phase, most likely forcing the other person to "love" him. This man is so confused about the feeling of love that he's unable to tell when he loves someone or when he's obsessed with them due to his lack of attention ("Like you, like you, I love you. Say you love me or I'll kill you")

:(-The Garden: Vibes

Kitty City-Cyriak Harris: Vibes

Blood-My Chemical Romance: If Niragi went to a therapist, he'd act like this song, with his signature cocky and sarcastic personality (at least before he gets better) ("I can't control myself because I don't know how" "They can fix me proper with a bit of luck" "I'm the kind of human wreckage that you love")

A Mask of My Own Face-Lemon Demon: He feels like he needs to protect himself or else he will get hurt inside the borderlands by others again. He uses another personality, a completely ruthless one, even if he doesn't like it and hates himself for it, he doesn't see another way to deal with his fear, allowing his "new self" to consume himself. ("I'd wear that mask of my own face" "I look into my eyeholes and what do I see? A handsome motherfucker motherfucking looking back at me")

I'm a Murderer-Freddie Dredd: Mostly vibes ("I'm a motherfucking murderer")

'Cause I'm a Liar-Mcki Robyns-P: He would lie just for fun even in serious situations. If he needs to manipulate someone to survive, he'll do it his way, after all, he doesn't care anymore, he just seeks for excitement. ("Without emotion, without devotion. It's much easier to fake something happy")

I Disagree-Poppy: I don't know exactly how to describe it, but I feel like this is how he sees and feels the world and those around him, feeling misunderstood and going his own way ("If only all of you could see the world I see, then maybe everyone could live in harmony")

Personal Jesus-Mindless Self Indulgence: He has a superiority complex, that's for sure. I don't think he sees himself as a god, but I see him joking about it

Rainbow Factory-GLAZE, WoodenToaster: Vibes

Frontier Psychiatrist-The Avalanches: I kinda see this as Aguni taking the role of Niragi's "father figure" inside the borderlands, realizing he's turning insane and is unable to control him ("That boy needs therapy")

Hate it. Hate it. "JIGAHIDAI!"-WADATAKEAKI Kurage P: Jealousy. I can see it either in a pre-borderland situation where he hates the popular students in school, or inside the borderlands hating both Chishiya and Arisu. Jealousy takes over him constructing a big ego, causing himself to develop his superiority complex ("You see, I hate that popular girl!" "Does she think I don't notice? How she looks at me as if I'm trash" "I want to be praised" "I'm different from you all, I have my own ego! I'm not a side character" "I have zero common sense. I'm special")

Villain-Stella Jang: He knows damn well he's a villain, that's his goal after all, but what if someone took his point of view? wouldn't the villains be all of those who hurted him in the first place? ("We all pretend to be the heroes on the good side, but what if we are the villains on the other")

Violent-carolesdaughter: This is how I view an argument inside a relationship with Niragi. He's used to violence, to cause fear, and getting what he wants, so being in a healthy relationship would require a lot of patience and strenght. While he's getting better and suppressing those violent actions, there will be times where he accidentally uses violence or threatens the other person unintentionally, mostly hurting himself and his partner psychologically. The lyrics change between both points of view ("Don't make me get violent, I want my ring back baby that's a diamond" "She knows I'm a wreck" "I gave you all my trust and I told you just don't break it")

Hey Bunny-Baby Bugs: Based on how I think it would feel to partner up with him inside the borderlands and catching feelings for him while knowing the huge mess he is ("Hey bunny, what's with those evil eyes?" "Hey bunny, what the hell is wrong with us?" "Hey bunny, what if I loose you too? If I become the monster, together we can always be blue")

Kokoronashi-majiko: I'm pretty sure Niragi isn't able to see himself as someone able to love, even if he doesn't want to be alone (just like when he confesses this feeling while fighting with Chishiya and Arisu). If someone truly loved him and was willing to not letting him go, it would hurt. He can't see himself as someone who can love or be loved, so he can't accept the love he's seeking for in case that turns him "weaker" making his true self confront with the protective mean personality he's created. He could learn how to accept it, so he might want the other person to stay in the end, but it wouldn't be easy for him to accept it ("It's awful, I'd rather you destroy my body, tear it to sheds, do as you please" "No matter how much I'm loved by you, my heart is just one" "I don't know this, don't leave me alone")

Nightmare Parade-FAKE TYPE.: Vibes

Slipping Through My Fingers-Meryl Streep, Amanda Seyfried: Niragi seeing himself loosing his young, gentle and caring personality due to his fear, being unable to control what's happening inside, nostalgia and sadness kicking in ("The feeling that I'm loosing her forever" "That funny little girl" "Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture and save it from the funny tricks of time")

Kuroneko No Tango-Pink Martini, The Von Trapps: Vibes

YKWIM?-Yot Club: Him confroting his feelings of loneliness when he's left alone with his thoughts ("It feels like I care too much when I'm alone, oh no")

Romantic Lover-Eyedress: Just appreciating his physical appearance ("She's a killer, I love her features")

Wrecking Ball-Mother Mother: Based on how he sees himself as someone who needs to destroy everything in a way or another in order to be powerful + the fun he has with it ("Call me a reckless wrecking ball" "Let's break it just because we can")

Edge-Rezz: Vibes

Freaks-Surf Curse: Again, confronting feelings when loving someone, but not in such a painful as Kokoronashi ("I need a place to stay where I can cover up my face" "Don't cry, I'm just a freak")

Little Bit-Lykke Li: Vibes

6up 5oh Cop-Out (Pro/Con)-Will Wood and the Tapeworms: Vibes

PHONKY TOWN-PlayaPhonk: Vibes

I WANNA BE YOUR SLAVE-Måneskin: Freaky time. He would absolutely love this song, definitely his type of thing ("You could be the beauty and I could be the monster" "I wanna touch your body so fucking electric" "I wanna make you hungry, then I wanna feed you")

#BrooklynBloodPop!-SyKo: Vibes

A Cold Freezin' Night-The Books: Vibes

A Pearl-Mitski: My most favorite song to associate with Niragi. Represents his evolution as a character. Creating an scenario where he is loved by someone,he rejects it at first, acting tough ("I don't want your touch") and then proceeds to explain why ("It's just that I fell in love with a war, nobody told me it ended" "it left a pearl in my hand and I roll it around every night just to watch it glow") the war being the borderlands and his new personality, he loved it, but nobody drew a line and it's getting out of hand. The pearl is the feeling of power, the one he has to remember when feeling weak just to feel something. At the end of the song it changes to ("Sorry I can't take your touch"), realizing that he wants love, but he's not able to take it or else he'll become the Niragi from the past

Problematic-Bo Burnham: Him acknowledging his problematic actions but not wanting to apologize because he doesn't feel the need to. He knows he's done bad things but he is going to laugh at it and be a sarcastic mf about it

First Love/Late Spring-Mitski: Similar to Kokoronashi, he wouldn't be able to accept love and how it makes him feel. He would think that he prefers for everyone to hate him and be lonely instead of sacrificing his tougher side. Also talks about how he's grown way too quickly for him to understand feelings properly ("So please hurry leave me, I can't breathe, please don't say you love me" "One word from you and I would jump out of this ledge I'm on baby" "I was so young when I behaved 25, yet now I find I've grown into a tough child"

The Other Side Of Paradise-Glass Animals: Vibes

Bodybag-Chloe Moriondo: How I feel about liking his character, confronting feelings basically ("Don't know if I hate you or if I wanna date you" "I don't wanna like you, I just wanna tie you up, then keep you in a cage and watch you sleep for ages"

Get Into It (Yuh)-Doja Cat: Vibes

Psycho Killer-2005 Remaster- Talking Heads: Vibes

HOT DEMON B!TCHES NEAR U!!!-CORPSE, Night Lovell: Vibes

INFERNO-Sub Urban, Bella Poarch: Again, another song that describes him pretty well ("Baby I'm the reason why hell's so hot" "Terribly like terrible, she's a villain" "Think I'm getting butterflies but it's really something telling me to run away")

Bad Morning-Omori: Vibes

Trouble Brewing: Vibes

Dueles Tan Bien-Bruses: Another song about my confronting feelings with this man ("You know what? You taste better than alcohol to me. You know that and you've got control" "Because you hurt, and you hurt so good that I don't know what to do")

And that's it!! This took me the whole day to write but it makes me very happy to be able to share it :)

I've you've read the entire thing, hope you enjoyed the character analysis! ლ(◞‿◟ლ)

#Spotify #imawa no kuni no alice #alice in borderland #alice in borderland netflix #niragi #niragi suguru #suguru niragi #character playlist #aib niragi #aib #overanalyzing niragi is my favorite hobby

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aspoonofsugar · 4 years ago

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RWBY Chain Of Faves

Who are your top 10 favorite RWBY characters and why?

Hello anon!

Thank you very much for this ask! I love talking about faves!

1) The murder kids aka Emerald and Mercury

I have talked about them here and here and I’ve shared some minor thoughts here and here.

I think their story has yet to enter its climax, so the metas on them are not as finalized as those on other characters. Still, the set-up is all there and I love it. As I say in the metas linked, they are a unit (body and soul, weapon and semblance). They are also two of the characters who mostly explore the cycle of abuse (together with Cinder, who is both victim and perpetrator).

I like how they are given the chance to screw up very very badly (and are given consequences for their actions), but are also always framed as two kids who try to be toughter than they are.

What is more, I love their relationship and their dynamic with Cinder. I think both bonds are very complex and are shown rather than told. This is why Emerald and Mercury’s body language is very effective imo. Their closeness is mostly conveyed through them glancing at each other or how they move around each other. This makes sense because they are in a place where they can’t speak freely.

In particular, I like that their relationship is deep, but not idealized. They care about each other, but are too scared to save each other. This is why Emerald needs the help of an adult (Hazel) to leave her abusive environment. This is also why she is recovering in a healthier environment that also lets her understand the consequences of her actions better. At the same time, Mercury who is instead stuck with another abusive mentor can’t currently escape.

When it comes to each one of them individually...

Emerald’s design and semblance are among my personal favourites. Her semblance especially is at the very top of my list. It has so much potential thematically and flexibility in terms of use (invisibility, transformation, specific illusions fitting a character’s flaw). I hope they use it more and in diverse ways in the future to show Emerald’s growth. For example, how cool would it be if she used it to help another character overcome a panic attack? Or if she helped Ruby enter the mental state to use her eyes with it?

I also really like she has a specific fighting style that fits her thief motif and is very different from others. It is less scenographic, but very pragmatic and I love it.

I also liked the focus she received this season and I think it needs to be finalized. I am curious on how it will happen.

Mercury’s background is the one which breaks my heart the most. The little we know is horrible :( I also think it is a story that heavily relies on symbolism to convey the idea of abuse...

Marcus took Mercury’s legs, so he can’t psychologically escape the cycle of abuse... Marcus told Mercury he needs no crutches and Mercury is refusing to aknowledge his hurt and to heal... Marcus’s violence messed up Mercury so much he is not sure what he wants and his semblance is missing to underline it.

I wonder if we will discover more about his background or if what we have so far is all. I can see it go both ways to be honest. Also, Tyrian’s interactions with Mercury are interesting and meaningful, but also terrifying. I both want more and I am scared of having more :’’)

I am also looking forward to see how his allusion will be used. As for now, he has the potential to have at least three different motifs going on. The one of Mercury the God, the one of Mercury the metal and the one of Mercury the planet. Curious to see what is done with them!

Finally, I’m the One is one of my favourite songs because it is full of foreshadowing and perfectly conveys what their characters are about. I would love to properly analyze it one day, even if I have used it in multiple metas already :), so I am not sure I have new things to say.

The same can be said about their fight against Coco and Yatsuhashi and their fight with Cinder against Amber. In a sense, those two fights are complementary, since the first one foreshadows their major assets that are properly shown and charged symbolically in the second.

In short, their fight with Coco and Yatsuhashi is how they want to appear:

I'm the one that your mama said 'Don't mess with them or you'll end up dead That type they don't follow any rules'

Their fight against Amber is who they are deep down:

I'm the one That was born in a nightmare a murderer's son

I'm the one Who rose out of filth and was loved by no-one

3) Penny

She is the protagonist of the Atlas Volumes and has my favourite arc so far.

Her arc is contradictive, sad and powerful. In a sense, her whole character is written to hurt :’’’) She is given a happy and enthusiastic personality to hide how tragic her story is.

Penny is an example of how to write a specific kind of tragedy, where the main conflict does not lie in the character’s flaw, but in the environment she is in. Penny wants to be a “real” girl, but others won’t let her. This conflict escalates until she tragically manages to affirm her personhood in death.

At the same time, she is given self-issues that can be seen as a flaw and tie to her environment. She is self-sacrificial and struggles to see herself as a true person. Still, this flaw does not really drive her plotline (others’ control of her does) and, as @hamliet has stated, it does not eat everything around Penny.

So, she dies tragically because she never gets the chance, not even to overcome these self-issues, but to properly face them. At the same time, her death is powerful and cathartic because she negates others’ control and manipulation. She negates the mechanisms that had her develop self-issues to begin with.

Is it a happy outcome? Not at all. It is sad and contradictive. It is gray, but this is precisely why it is powerful. It manages to convey and explore complex and contradictive ideas. It does not offer an answer, but only bittersweet questions.

I also really like how Penny’s allusion is used in the story. It is played straight in terms of plot since Penny becomes human as the story goes on. However, it is problematized in terms of themes. It conveys that humanity is about making choices and experiencing both happiness and pain. Finally, Penny’s final scene is an inversion of the original novel.

Penny is not the Blue Fairy’s creation, but the Blue Fairy’s creator:

She goes from Creation (passive, a child) to Creator (active, an adult).

Incidentally, Penny too has one of my favourite songs. Friend is beautiful and it perfectly describes her arc. It conveys how much she loves humanity despite how complex and painful it is. The music starting slow and melancholic to gain more power as it goes on describes Penny’s life beautifully. It is a story that ends too soon (the music interrupts at its most vibrant), but it is still a melody full of love for life:

An answered prayer A chance to Share the world To be a girl Who fin'lly felt alive

4) Cinder

Cinder is probably the most complex and best written character so far.

She manages to make me feel for her and to make me incredibly angry with her at the same time :’’’)

I have written several metas on her, so you can read my thoughts on her background, the focus she received this volume, how I think her arc will end and some minor symbolism.

Cinder is built on an equilibrium between victim and perpetrator. She is both and the narrative strikes perfectly with its framing of her. It is both sympathetic and strict and most of all tragic because no matter if Cinder wins or loses... she keeps spiralling either way and she can’t understand she is fighting a worthless fight.

She is also full of interesting motifs and symbolism. One I would like to explore more in the future (and for it to be explored more by the story itself) is her fall motif.

She chooses the surname “Fall” herself when it is decided her first target is the Fall Maiden. This makes for a nice juxtaposition between her and Winter.

Cinder is born with nothing. Her own name refers a substance almost completely burnt, something with almost no color. It is a very humble name, so she chooses a surname which is important. It is a surname that hints to her role as a vessel of the Maidens.

She is not chosen to be a Maiden... she is not supposed to be one. However, she decides she is going to take the power even if it is not hers. She is taking destiny in her own hands.

Winter is born with apparently everything. However, this is also why everything gets decided for her. She is given the name Winter before she was born. Similarly, Ironwood chooses her as the Maiden even before she discovers about them.

Cinder sees Winter as having everything Cinder deserves. However, she misses how Winter is facing very similar struggles. She might be given what Cinder is negated, but she too has to make that destiny hers. She has to take her story in her own hands, just like Cinder.

At the same time, Cinder’s fall motif is linked also to the idea of falling. She falls and makes others fall. Exactly like she burns and is burnt. The orange of her flames aesthetically calls back to the orange of the falling leaves.

This idea is also conveyed through Cinder constantly mistreating and even killing characters representative of sides of herself.

She abuses Emerald and Mercury aka her child selves.

She kills Watts aka her negative foil.

She kills Pyrrha and Penny aka her Maidens’ foils.

It is clear that all this hurting and killing parts of herself won’t end well for her. I mean, she, not Salem, is the one responsible of the two major deaths in the series (Penny and Pyrrha), so she is bound to receive consequences.

Another thing I love about her is how her intelligence is people focused. She is very good at reading and manipulating others and this is how she wins her major fights. This is both her flaw and her major asset. I like it because I think RWBY is good in showing different kinds of intelligence and Cinder’s one is very coherent with her personality.

Finally, I love how her Cinderella allusion is used. It is a deconstruction of the original fairy tale that is born from a question: “What if Cinderella were not the kind victim of the story, but a bad victim?”. It is also interesting how the key character in Cinder’s allusion is not the Prince or the Stepmother, but the Fairty Godmother who fails her twice (Rhodes and now Salem).

As a side note, I can’t wait for The Truth to be out in its complete version.

5) Oscar

Aka the one who deserves nothing of what he gets :’’’)

I love him because he is an example of how to write a character who is a cinnamon roll, but that also is not boring and has complexity.

His struggle is about his sense of self. He starts the story by wishing to become more than what he is, but he does not like that this “more” turns out to be about fusing with another person. He wants to grow not to lose himself to another entity.

This is his major fear:

Who will you see? There in the darkness When no one is watching Who will you be? When you're afraid And everything changes Will you see a stranger? Feel proud or betrayed?

This is well conveyed also by his relationship with the rest of the group. He starts as the odd man out and others mostly rely on Ozpin rather than him. He sometimes even seems to disappear behind Ozpin. However, as time goes on, he forges genuine bonds and he becomes dependable on his own. He becomes even more so than Ozpin because he has something Oz lost out of cynism. The ability to trust.

In the Atlas volume he is the character that embodies the thematic statement about trust:

Oscar: You want him to trust us? Then trust me.

The point is that to be trusted you should trust first, even if there is no guarantee it will work.

It is interesting because the theme of trust is explored starting with Ozpin, Oscar’s foil, who does not trust others, so our protagonists feel betrayed. However, in Atlas they find themselves in Ozpin’s shoes and must choose if to trust Ironwood or not.

Here, we explore a form of conditional trust. This idea is presented by Ruby, who wants to be sure it is safe to trust Ironwood. So she keeps secrets and studies him until she decides she can trust him... only to discover that was not the case immediately after. This happens because trust can never be completely safe. Actually, in its most negative declination, this kind of trust becomes the control symbolized by Ironwood.

No matter what, trust is always a leap of faith. This is why trust is a risk. Oscar shows this concept well. He decides to still trust Ironwood at the end of volume 7, but it does not work. Still, he does not stop and decides to trust Emerald and Hazel. This time his trust and faith are repaid. He is fred and gains a new ally:

I love Emerald and Oscar’s interactions btw :’’’) It is good that Oscar is the one who is growing closer to her. They escape Salem together and Oscar has not been hurt by Emerald the same way the others are.

Anyway, even if trust is worth it, the exploration of this theme in Atlas actually ends on a negative note. It ends with Cinder who is an enemy of trust because she uses others’ trust and feelings against them.

Anyway, Oscar is a key character and I can’t wait for his story to develop more!

6) Ironwood

He breaks my heart.

He is a an excellent tragic Hero.

He thinks he is the Great Good, but this is precisely why he spirals out of control and falls with his own Kingdom, hated by his allies and forgotten by his enemies.

His downfall stems from his inability to trust, his refusal of emotions, his single-mindness and mostly his convinction he is better than others. This idea is structural of Atlas society and is seen in many of his inhabitants. No matter the social class, we see multiple people thinking they deserve better and that they are above others. This is why Atlas falls and his people becomes refugees in the poorest Kingdom of Remnant.

Anyway, Ironwood thinks he is better than others, so he should be the one deciding for others as well. This idea is flawed and perfectly conveyed through his ideology of sacrificing everything. He feels he has everything, so he can sacrifice what he wants. Still, this is not the case. Others’ lives and feelings are not his. He doesn’t own them.

7) Weiss

I love Weiss. She has one of my favourite designs and one of my favourite semblances and fighting styles.

Her snowhite allusion being played to explore the idea of a dysfunctional family is very good.

In general, I love how much she has grown slowly, but steadily and how she has progressively become warmer. I enjoyed her interactions with her siblings this season. She also gets many moments where she shines for her humanity and intelligence.

She is both Snowhite and the Prince, but also the Huntress that changes and makes others change. She becomes an inspiration for her whole family and since the Schnees are all in Vacuo and she will eventually join them, I am curious if there is going to be more about their family dynamic.

Other than this, I am excited about her Nevermore summon, what is means symbolically and when she will use it.

8) Ruby

I think Ruby’s arc must still enter its climax and that she will shine towards the end of the series.

That said, I love her as a protagonist. She has an interesting set of skills that makes her competent, but not invincible. Moreover, I like how she is important and a participant of the plot, but also does not single-handedly solves everything by herself. She has to learn just like the others. For example, this volume she learns that trust is a risk and the importance of taking risks.

Moreover, she is actually very rarely the protagonist of a volume climax. Speaking of the most climatic volumes, Pyrrha is the protagonist of the climax in volume 3, Yang and Raven are in volume 5, Penny in volume 8.

The climax where she is the most in focus as a character is volume 6 and that is the volume where her eyes are explored and her personal arc is set up. That said, she still manages to be important and to contribute to the action in many ways.

I think her role is to inspire others and I guess that by making that speech this volume she is gonna grow into a symbol even more. If that happens it will be interesting to see what this means for her.

Apart from this, I am curious about her subplot with her mother and if it will tie to her choice to save Cinder with her eyes (since I think this is where we are going). She is going to be both Hood and the Huntsman who kills the Wolf and saves the Victim.

9) Nora and Ren

They are my favourite canon romance.

Their story starts with Ren getting focus (with Nora as a support) and is slowly shifting to Nora developing as her own person (with Ren as a support).

It fits for them to be one of the series main romances because as characters they both explore the concept of emotions and emotional intelligence.

I would say Nora is one of the most emotional intelligent characters in the cast. She is aware of her own feelings for Ren and tries to push their story forwars. She quickly picks up on Pyrrha’s crush and encourages her to make a move. Honestly, she sees herself as a dumb jock, but she is far from it. She is one of the wisest and most sensitive characters:

Nora: You shove people out so you don’t have to feel things that are hard!

Ren is ironically the one struggling with feelings, even if his semblance is all about emotions. In a sense, it is as if he develops it precisely because he struggles with this part of himself.

As a child he is easily overwhelmed by emotions like fear, which goes in the way of his actions. So, when he is under stress he deveops a magical power that lets him control this part of himself. However, as time goes on, it becomes more and more obvious that he should face his own feelings. And once he faces them:

Ren: No! No one is replaceable.

Then he becomes able to see both himself and others more clearly.

In general, both Ren and Nora must overcome their issues if they want to end up together.

Ren’s issue was his fear of being completely vulnerable and to open up with another person. Nora’s is her complete dependance on Ren and how she sees herself as only a part of him, while she is much more.

As a side note, Ren finally confessing his feelings for Nora only to be (temporally) rejected is a great note for his character arc. He was repressing his feelings out of fear, but now he has grown enough to take a risk (opening up, showing vulnerability). Well, this risk does not pay off immediatley. Nora asks him for some time and this is surely not how Ren would have hoped things to go. Still, he understands and supports her. He takes an emotional risk that does not pay off immediately, but he is able to live with it.

In terms of writing, I also think Raven is top notch. Moreover, Winter is a lowkey favourite as well.

I also like some minor characters like Ilia, whose background is built on a very interesting premise that fits her chameleon motif, and Whitley who manages to be helpful even if he is not a fighter. Velvet also has a cool weapon and semblance that tie with her photography motif.

I also love Yang, Blake and Jaune aka the other members of the main cast.

In terms of design, many of my favourites have also my favourite designs (Emerald, Weiss, Mercury, Cinder, Penny, Winter, Ruby, Ren and Ilia).

Other than them, I love Neo’s design, characterization and fighting style:

Finally, I also like Tock’s design and concept, even if she only appears once.

Thank you for this ask! I had fun with it!

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callemreine · 3 years ago

Text

Heart-Shaped

I should warn you that this was not proofread at all but I just had to post it cuz I said I was gonna do it but then I got distracted by a million other things so it took a long time and there's this au august by @/tsshipmonth2020 next month and I wanna do a few of the prompts there so have this poorly written oneshot that was based on this post by @aplethoraofquotes

Ship: Prinxiety(I mean what else do you expect from me) and a little bit of implied logicality

Word Count: 2017

cw: caps / mention of something on fire / tentacles mention / swearing (just one)

“WHAT IS UP EVERYBODY?” Thomas exclaims for the video intro.

“FINALLY!” Roman angrily but excitedly shouts after. The two other light sides pop up to also complain about the lack of videos in production in the past year, all the while attempting to calm down the royal side.

“Ok, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m doing it now, ok?” Thomas shouts over the complaining sides to divert the issue at hand. “It hasn’t been particularly easy. You know that guys, right?” He continues as he glances at the empty spot at the bottom of the stairs. They all silenced with a guilty look on their faces aside from the logical side, as he has been the one trying to compose the internal panic Thomas continuously endures within the past year. “Okaaaay! Let’s lighten things up a bit! I’m so glad you guys are here because we are having another Q&A!” Thomas excitedly announces to the three sides present.

"Not to put your siren to sleep but, you can't just repeat an episode, Thomas," Roman interrupted.

"I do concede with Roman's opinion here, Thomas. Haven't we talked about the originality of your videos before? Continuously repeating concepts not only bore viewers but also lessens the probability of their engagement to any or all of your future content," Logan discusses.

"I don't think 'all' would be possible, Logan. But, Thomas, isn't there anything else we could do today, maybe? We have been gone for a while, kiddo, so maybe there's other stuff we could do?" Patton adds.

"Calm down, guys. You're all starting to sound like Virgil. But, let me explain first. We're doing a Q&A because, as you said, it's been a long time since the last video AND even longer since the last Q&A, and so much has changed since then," All the sides present appear to be content with the explanation provided.

"Plus," Thomas adds. "This one has a twist," he says directly to the side to his right. Logan slightly nods in approval but remains skeptical. "And, what might that be?" asked Roman.

"The questions will be provided by each of us," Thomas states with pride seen on his face. Roman and Logan met eye to eye with worry and slight fear in their eyes. "I'm sorry. Can you elaborate more on that, Thomas?" Patton worriedly asks.

"Well, we have to think of a question that we want everyone to answer. For example, I think of a question and each of you has to answer it,"

Now, all three sides share glances with worry seen in their faces. "Why do you all seem worried?" Thomas asks with a nervous chuckle. "Roman has been bothering me with this idea for a few months now, I thought you all would be okay with it," All eyes were on the royal side. "I didn't think of that idea…" He trails off.

Realization falls to the four after a few seconds. "Ahh. I forgot. I'm not your only 'imagine dragon'," Roman confirms their suspicions.

~*~*~

"Which one of us scares you the most?" Thomas asks the four sides present.

They all agreed to the concept Thomas has presented and seem to be convinced that 'playing wouldn't hurt.' They eventually got the anxious side to play as well after a few minutes of convincing(and bribing).

"I used to be scared of Janus' scales before but I'm fine with it now. Hmm... Oh! Remus' tentacles really creep me out," Patton answers and shivers a little with the mention of tentacles.

"I'm offended you're asking me! I AM A PRINCE! I have nothing to fear. And none of you can do actual harm to me as far as I'm concerned," The four give the royal side a 'refuse to take that answer' look. "Fine," he sighs in defeat. "Remus," he says with an unexplainable expression on his face. They all agreed before that they're allowed to not explain their answer if they aren't comfortable with it. So far, until the current question, only the anxious side's answers remained without explanation.

It's now Virgil's turn to answer and they wait for it even though they already seemed to know. "Roman," he stated. All the sides were taken aback but refused to ask him to elaborate. Roman's expression was unexplainable and distracted for the duration of the entire game.

~*~*~

After a few, they were now on the last question, and it was Patton's turn. He suggested that it should be a little personal but not too much, and they were still allowed to refuse to explain their answer. They were all skeptical, so they agreed that if the question Patton thought of was too personal for them, they'll just rethink another question and edit out that section for the final cut of the video.

"Okay, what was your worst romantic gesture?" Patton asked. They all nod to signal that they were all comfortable answering the question.

"Well, I am the romantic side so I don't think I even HAVE a bad romantic gesture..." Roman answers but continues to think of an incident. "Oh. One time, I had a crush on someone and I didn't know how to handle it, so I filled their room with heart-shaped confetti…" Roman answered while rubbing the back of his neck from embarrassment.

Virgil's head shot up to look at the royal side. "That was YOU?" He didn't mean it to be that loud. He immediately covered his mouth with his hand and lowered his head back down, avoiding the others' glances.

Roman blushed and froze in place. He forgot that Virgil was right next to him.

Thomas made a mental note to cut the video from after Roman's answer to before Virgil's answer.

"I left them flowers but I never told them it was from me" Virgil tried to make his answer as vague as possible to prevent any more mishaps. Thomas and the other two sides could almost hear the cogs turning inside Roman's head as they heard Virgil's answer.

~*~*~

After their recording session was finished, the four sides sank down to return to the mind palace. They all rose up in their living room except for Virgil as he is the only one allowed to rise up anywhere directly from the real world. An ability Logan plans to learn about soon when Virgil allows him to. Roman retreats to his room, still processing Virgil's answer earlier. While Patton asks Logan to help him prepare their dinner, he also processes Logan's answer to the last question of their game earlier.

*time skip brought to you by Roman's band references*

Virgil was, no surprise, wide awake in the middle of the night, still reading the little notes written on the "confetti." Apparently, Roman thinks that tons of pieces of paper, three inches in size, are considered confetti. Some of them have lines from song lyrics. Some with lines from poems. While some were just plain feelings. How Roman described Virgil's eyes and how beautiful he looked in his makeup that day in small letters written on the piece of paper (front and back) almost made him melt. And how Roman apologized for how he treated Virgil before made him regret not putting a note or not giving the flowers to Roman personally instead of leaving them on the royal side's bedside table.

*flashback brought to you by my hopeless romantic ass*

Virgil just finished his shoot with Thomas for his "80s-Glam-Virgil" look. At first, he wouldn't stop complaining about why he gets to have a glam look while Logan and Patton got the casual look. Eventually, he let it go cuz' he slowly was starting to like the look. After the shoot, he was so exhausted that he couldn't bring himself to rise up in his room directly so he rose up in the mind palace living room and dragged his limp body to his room.

As he opened his door, pieces of paper flooded a small portion of the hallway in front of his room. He looked inside and saw that his entire room was flooded too. He went inside and snapped his finger to close the door and to get the papers outside back into his room. He was too tired to deal with the suspected "prank" at hand so he snapped his finger once again to gather all of the papers into a giant box to keep in his closet for the time being.

The box remained untouched for months.

*end of flashback*

Roman sat on his bed, staring at the red roses he kept in a vase on his dresser. It was made of red heart-shaped pieces of paper glued together to the shape of a rose. Something about it seemed familiar yet mysterious. Roman could sense it was made with the magic from the imagination, but it wasn’t his. And, it definitely wasn’t Remus’, for obvious reasons. There was a bit of dark but endearing and comfortable aura. Roman laid his back on the bed in defeat. Covering his face with his hands as he blushes and groans at the same time. He tried to get some sleep but couldn’t keep his suspicions off his mind.

His knuckles hover on the purple door for a few moments before fully knocking, knowing the side behind it was also wide awake. He heard some paper shuffling and a sliding door closing after, presumably a closet door. A few moments pass before the door opens just enough for a part of Virgil’s face to peer out. “Please tell me this is as important as something burning on fire or I am slamming this door on your face,”

“Uh… Not really but-” Virgil resumes to close the door only for Roman to grab the door frame at the last second. “Ah, shit!” Roman whisper-shouted.

Virgil returned to his bed, leaving Roman in his current state, not even bothering to close the door anymore. Eventually, Roman let himself in, clutching his hand. He sat down on the beanbag in the corner, glaring at the other, while Virgil stayed on his bed with a blank expression. Virgil, then, gestured to Roman expectantly as if to let him continue what he was going to say.

Roman, then, slowly lowered his hand but continued to glare at Virgil. “Was it me that you gave the flowers to?” Roman asked skeptically. Virgil seems to have lost his confidence and slowly lowered his head, unable to look at Roman. “I'm gonna take that as a yes. You know, you could have easily gotten away with giving me flowers if you told me that you also gave the others flowers, seeing that it was Valentines that day,” Roman, amused, grinned smugly.

“Still not as sappy as your stunt,” Virgil snickered, glancing at his closet door. “Yeah, about that… I’m actually glad you didn’t bring it up anymore cuz’ it was actually a spur in-moment kind of thing,” Roman confessed, averting the other’s gaze. Virgil admitted it was actually kind of sweet and that he hasn’t finished reading each of the notes.

“Sooo…” The anxious side trailed off. The tension was so thick that both of the sides were staring at the floor as if it was a fireworks display. “Sooo…? You like me too…?” Roman started. “I mean, I thought I made that pretty clear when I answered the question about our worst romantic gesture,” Virgil chuckled and blushed as he attempted to catch the other’s eye. “Well, I like you too,” Roman blushed, and the two fell in comfortable silence before Virgil patted the spot beside him to invite Roman to sit with him.

Virgil’s smile fell suddenly as he looked at the taller side next to him and asked “So, what now?” Roman looked back at him with a small smile and gently reached for the other’s hand, “You tell me. I’m down with anything you’re comfortable with,” Virgil laid his head on the other’s shoulder with a sad smile, “Can you just stay here for a while?”

“I can do that, Mr. Darkside,” Roman replied with a quiet voice.

Yeah sorry this has "written at 2 am" vibes. Cuz half of it is. Also I just found out that I don't know how to write dialogue by Patton or from his perspective at least. And I am very proud of the band references my 2 am brain thought of

Also thank you to @thethreeunity for the last-minute comments before my sorry ass posts this without giving it a second thought XD love you lots Trin <3

Bonus:

“What is it with you and your band references today?”

“I was hoping you’d notice,” Roman answered with a chuckle.

#sanders sides #sanders sides fic #thomas sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #prinxiety #prinxiety fic #ts virgil #ts roman #ts patton #ts logan #ts prinxiety #romantic prinxiety #implied logicality #em writes

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poisonfallen · 3 years ago

Note

Your take on cancel culture and stan culture?

Oh boy, oh boy, it's happening.

Alright, let's talk about toxic people on the internet. And keep in mind that my opinion goes beneath the mcyt community. I feel the same about the kpop community and any other community that is famous for having lots of toxic people.

Also, keep in mind that this is my opinion about these topics, I don’t intend to offend or misinform anybody. I might be wrong, and if I am wrong indeed, please help me correct any mistake that I’ve done.

Cancel culture

Before ranting about its toxicity, let's understand what it actually means and how it works.

What is cancel culture?

Well, according to Wikipedia, “cancel culture or call-out culture is a modern form of ostracism in which someone is thrust out of social or professional circles – whether it be online, on social media, or in person” (source).

Basically, cancel culture is the process of ceasing offering support to a public figure after saying or doing something that is considered objectionable or offensive.

In theory, cancel culture is a good thing that helps the victims speak up and properly defend themselves, as well as preventing other people from doing the same mistakes. No harm done to innocent people, just a way of saying why a certain person or a certain company has done something that really hurt a category of people. Some even say that it’s an exercise of free speech.

However, while a culture that encourages calling out inappropriate behaviour is important, a culture that is quick to cancel and reluctant to forgive is something that divides the internet and starts wars in the trial of defending an opinion that is not shared by every single person on the internet, thus becoming the thing that its purpose is to defeat. (a vicious cycle of hatred)

So why is it toxic?

From my point of view, I don’t think that cancel culture is a toxic thing in theory. But the way people actually use it is what concerns (and bothers) me.

In its current form, anonymous and fuelled by negative emotions, cancel culture has the power to destroy a person’s career in a matter of minutes. There are no gray areas, just the white and black pack mentality: “I am right and you are wrong”.

The subject of the cancelation becomes “cancelled” for disagreeing with a certain opinion, and the cancelled one feels like the whole world is hating them. No one can argue that going through a cancellation, no matter how big or small it is, can severely affect one’s mental health and leave them scarred for life.

Cancel culture, at this point, is bullying someone famous without facing the consequences. We are already used to surf the web and stumble across someone’s cancelation over something that not even in our wildest dreams we would be able to imagine otherwise.

I think that all of us are familiar with a stupid cancelation, like canceling someone over a burger that somehow became the sole reason of obesity (see: Dream MrBeast burger). We can’t help but laugh at people trying to cancel someone for a stupid reason.

But, unfortunately, not all of our cancelations are stupid or laughable. There are people cancelled over their physical aspect or them not being political active, people cancelled over being friends with certain people or over saying something that is now considered to be slightly offensive a few years ago. The ones who are under the spotlight can’t make jokes or take decisions by themselves, they are supposed to be the marionettes of their fans.

(I do not intend to say that all cancelations are bad, but I’m trying to highlight how the majority of the most recent cancelations are out of place. If someone actually tries to actively harm your minority, your beliefs etc. you should call out that inappropriate behaviour, but without purposely harming that person as a means of payback)

There is also a toxic behaviour that I’ve noticed in a cancelation: the “I forgive you”/”I don’t forgive you” phrase used by people who have no right to do so. If you are part of the minority who has been hurt, then you have every right to forgive or not someone for saying or doing something hurtful towards your minority.

But if you are not a part of that minority, shut the f*** up. By speaking on behalf of a minority while you aren’t part of that minority you take away the right of actually addressing the issue from the people who are part of that minority. You can support them from the sides and let them express their pain with their own voice. They perfectly capable of addressing the issue, they need your support but not you taking the spotlight away from the actual problem.

What is my take on cancel culture?

I think that there are more civil ways of resolving an issue without actively trying to destroy someone’s career. Instead of cancelling that person, we could educate them (but not in that harmful way I’ve seen on twitter) on the subject and on why their words or actions are hurtful.

We should remember that we are all humans and that every human makes mistakes. Don’t forget that children learn by making mistakes. And while I’m well aware that we are not talking about children here, you should also be well aware that we are talking about actual humans with feelings.

Cancelation should be the last weapon we use, but only if that person refuses to give an apology and educate themselves on the subject.

Overall, don’t. Just don’t cancel people. Don’t attack people on the internet. Don’t try to harm people on the internet.

Some of you might disagree with my opinion and I’m open to criticism as long as you can help me educate more on the subject.

Now let’s move on to the other topic

Stan culture

Before I start talking about this one, I’d like to point out that stans actually scare me, a lot.

What is stan culture?

“Stan culture describes an online phenomenon in which communities of stalker fans, or stans, engage in overly enthusiastic support of a favorite celebrity online (called “stanning”), including at times vehement, coordinated attacks against detractors and critics” (source).

Basically stan = stalker + fan.

There are also people who say that the word stan comes from Eminem’s song “Stan” which tells the story of a crazed fan. I do recommend listening to the lyrics of this song if Eminem is not your cup of tea, it’s a good intake in what stan culture was at the beginning of 2000′s.

To be honest, I don’t have anything more to add at this section. Anything more I’d say would, in the end, be the same as what was already stated. (but you can see my opinion on it with more comments at the end)

It stan culture toxic?

You have to live under a rock if you had never seen a stan on twitter or tumblr. You usually recognize them by their profile pictures, the content they share, their posts and their ready to argue behaviour in case you insult or disagree with the ones they worship.

I’d like to point out that there is a fine line between a stan and a fan: stans know no length when it comes to defending their object of worship and often have really toxic ways of expressing their opinions, while a fan is there just to enjoy their favourite content without engaging in harmful discussion and hate speeches.

This topic is filled with controversy. In essence, stanning should be a means of showing support. The majority of them don’t even realize the toxicity they spread only after leaving the fandom.

The real problem here is the moment when they engage in conflicts without entertaining the thought that they might be wrong. Anything they do is right and their object of worship can say or do no mistake. This extends to the point of sending death threats and even doxxing.

For those who don’t know about doxxing, short for dropping dox: doxxing is an internet slang that means to publish personal information (of an individual) on the internet. You can find more about it here.

With no intend to disrespect or disregard one’s religious beliefs, you can say that stanning is like being part of a religion. The stans are the extremist people who practice that religion, while the fans are those who practice it from time to time (eg. like a Christian who goes to Church only on Christmas and Easter - me).

In the end, stan culture is toxic to both the stans and celebrities.

Is there a connection between stan culture and cancel culture?

They are both toxic internet cultures, this one is right for sure.

From what I’ve noticed during my short timed stay on twitter, a lot of cancelations are made by stans from the same community or different communities.

I’m part of mcyt community, so I’ve seen a lot of Dream fans and Dream antis fighting over the past months, trying to cancel each other and harm each other. It’s mental seeing people actively trying to do these kind of things just because they love or hate a certain person. Of course that we can’t tie the situation to a certain content creator.

I know that his also happens a lot in the kpop community where stans are in a constant fight to destroy the career of each other’s favourite idol group or bias (someone's most favorite member of an idol group).

What is my take on stan culture?

I feel like I need to repeat myself: stans scare the s*** out of me.

It’s like their sole purpose in life is to support someone and don’t have the basic sense of boundaries. A lot of problems arise with this: like shipping people who are uncomfortable being shipped with, intense sexualizing (sexualizing the minors is the worst from my point of view), creating drama and intentionally ignoring real world problems just to make their favourite person(s) trend, and the list is so long that I feel like I’d create a record on tumblr for the longest post if I go on.

We are talking about some weird adaptation of Lord of the Flies where children raise each other on the internet. It’s like a cult and they are brainwashed into believing what everybody else thinks. And the worst part is that I don’t think we’ll ever get better from this, things are only going south to heaven.

I might be wrong and biased, so I do expect someone to help me understand these topics better, but for now these are my firm opinions.

I’d also like to clarify, once again, that in the religion example I’m not making fun of Christianity, I’m just using it as a means to help people better understand my point.

#if you think doxxing and death threats are justified unfollow me #I'm sorry but I'm so fucking sick of internet at this point #or even better block me you fucking coward #I feel like I have lots of words misspelled but it is what it is #cancel culture #stan culture #mcyt #kpop #free speech #censorship #stanning #important #personal opinion #ask

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silvysartfulness · 4 years ago

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xiao xingchen's mental state is So Terrible

Request: Can we see Xiao Xingchen’s thoughts on near suicide? Abandonment? Betrayal? He’s defined himself by other people for most of his life - his master, his totally-not-soulmate Song Lan, and his murder-soulmate Xue Yang. To be left by one person and then to be betrayed by another must be … a lot. Does Xingchen think he betrayed Song Lan because Xue Yang killed Song Lan’s people? He hasn’t had any time to deal with it, because he’s been playing babysitter… and then saving his pet murderer, too. Because I’ve put a lot of thought into this, but my writing skills are about 0, and you are so good at angst.

Okay! I’ll just… stream of consciousness on this. Because there is a lot to say about Xiao Xingchen’s mental state, his sacrifices, his losses and his choices.

There’s definitely a lot of touching on these issues currently in Heaven Has A Road. The callback to Xiao Xingchen’s suicide, and the way both Xue Yang and Song Lan fear the worst when he takes off on his own.

The kicker is that Xiao Xingchen himself doesn’t realize. Doesn’t realize that they worry about that, or why they would. He may still be very much prone to self-sacrificial and reckless decisions for the sake of others, but he’s not actively suicidal or seeking to self-harm now, at least not in such a direct and physical way.

But of course it’s a theme very much hanging in the air.

To look back at canon; Xiao Xingchen is, I think, naive even by Celestial Mountain standards. The previous two of Baoshan Sanren’s disciples who left the mountain either went dark (it’s just vaguely hinted at, but clearly it Was Not Pretty) or was a rather mischievous trickster (shaving off Lan Qiren’s beard for being a rule-obsessed square).

There is a spiritual concept of “going into the world” or “leaving the world” respectively - leaving is what Baoshan Sanren did, letting go of attachment to worldly matters to retreat to her unnamed mountain and cultivate immortality. What Xiao Xingchen does is the opposite - he chooses to “enter the world”, to leave that detached existence behind to get involved in earthly matters - beautifully alluded to by the “chen” in his name, meaning (worldly) dust. (That choice is what Xue Yang curses him for during their confrontation that last day - “If you don’t understand the world, you shouldn’t have come! Why didn’t you stay on your mountain?!” )

But he makes that choice. He wants to help people, make a difference, and so he leaves his family behind, makes that sacrifice even knowing that it means he won’t ever see his home again, and descends into the world.

Xiao Xingchen is described as gentle but determined, not only physically fighting and vanquishing evil, but helping people with any ”difficult matter” they bring before him, never refusing anyone. He wants to do good; what’s good for any humble person, not just the mighty few. And for all that he is naive, Xiao Xingchen is also self-assured and uncompromising. He knows what he is striving for, and he doesn’t hesitate when it comes to putting thought into action.

And down in the world, he finds someone else who puts those ideals over the blood ties of the mighty clans - Song Lan. Zichen. They grow close, they talk about starting a sect together – between the lines that means spending the rest of their lives together, living for those shared ideals. They grow so close, people always mention them together.

And then Xue Yang happens. Something so corrupted and grisly, it shakes even this extremely powerful young cultivator.

Whether you go by novel or series canon, the way the rest of the world handles the aftermath of the Chang massacre, it clearly dents Xiao Xingchen’s trust in the sects, in society and its concept of ”justice” quite badly.

And then Baixue happens, as a direct consequence of them capturing and making enemies with Xue Yang. Xue Yang specifically tells Song Lan, ”Tell Xiao Xingchen this is a gift for him!”

So yes, I think Xiao Xingchen takes the full blame of the Baixue massacre upon himself, because Xue Yang was out to hurt him. But because he and his immortal master were out of reach, Baixue paid the price. Song Lan paid the price.

So he broke his vow never to return home, and he gave up his eyes, in a hopeless bid to repair some modicum of the damage he’d caused, to at least give Song Lan his sight back, if not his home, his family, his ideals and beliefs and and hope.

At some point in that aftermath, Song Lan did blame Xiao Xingchen and told him they should never meet again, and he took that to heart, too. Of course Song Lan wouldn’t want to see him again – what is he now, but a reminder of those losses? The losses his own hubris caused?

So he wrapped up Shuanghua and went nameless into the world, avoiding attachments, described as wandering aimlessly from place to place to offer help and then move on, to make sure no one else would be hurt because of him. (That Xue Yang wouldn’t hurt anyone else because of him.)

I wrote a passage about him thinking back on this in an upcoming chapter;

I tried being no one, he thought, unbecomingly bitter and hurting. To make sure people wouldn’t get hurt because of me again. I thought I succeeded, but I ended up hurting people, killing people with my own hands instead.

He studiously tried tuning out the somewhat uneven footfalls behind them, focused wholly on the hand in his.

I tried being nothing, after that, after learning the truth.

But people had died because of him all the same, even then, even with him gone. The last survivors of the Chang, the people of Yi City, all those nameless victims whose blood had paid for the spells to drag him back into the world of the living… A-Qing.

I won’t hide away again, he thought, setting his jaw. I have to try… Try to be something. To do something. To leave a legacy better than this. To make it all worth it, make sure all this suffering wasn’t for nothing.

It was a bitterness that his hopes of doing that, the chance to realize the purpose he so desperately clung to… came at the hands of the man whose shadow had haunted him into nameless exile and caused all that grief and death in the first place.

How much time Xiao Xingchen had to think about all this varies wildly between CQL-canon and MDZS-canon – in the novel, not a whole lot of time passes between the Baixue massacre and Xiao Xingchen meeting a-Qing and eventually Xue Yang. But in CQL, the Baixue massacre takes place before Sunshot, before Yiling Laozu claims the Burial Mounds, before Nightless City and Wei Wuxian’s death… it’s been years of wandering alone before Xiao Xingchen meets a-Qing, and then Xue Yang. I’m not sure if it’s stated how long the Sunshot war is in CQL-canon, but even only going by the things we do know – Yanli having a child, Wei Wuxian having been dead for 16 years at the end of the Yi City arc where the main events took place 10 years ago, it’s anywhere between seven to some ten years.

So I think he has had a lot of time to reflect on all that grief from the past, but that it’s really just been spirals of hopelessness, never really processing or moving on from it. Shuanghua is still wrapped up when he meets a-Qing. He doesn’t introduce himself by name. It’s her shameless happiness, her choice to seek out his company – oh, how he’s ached for connection! - that finally gets him smiling again.

And once he makes friends with the odd stranger whose life he saves… He smiles. He laughs. They all build a home together. Shuanghua is no longer hidden. At the market, the stranger casually calls him by his name.

I think it’s only once they settle down in Yi City that he really begins healing from the horrors of the past. Dares start to build something new, in a tiny little backwater at the very edge of the map. Surely Xue Yang’s shadow won’t reach him, and this humble little existence he’s building here?

So of course it utterly breaks him when the truth comes out. Not just one, but awful truth after awful truth, tearing apart everything he’s built, everything he thought he had – everything he’s done.

A-Qing lied to him about being blind. His ”friend” was Xue Yang all along. He’s been tricked into killing people. He was tricked into killing Song Lan.

The character songs of the Yi City arc lean very heavily into Buddhist rather than Daoist themes – which is super interesting! - but especially the concept of karmic justice. No matter how unaware Xiao Xingchen was of it, he has killed. Not only did he turn away from cultivating immortality a long time ago – his soul is tainted forever. Gu Cheng speaks of ”debts” that can’t be repaid, falling into karmic sin. This isn’t just about tricking him into doing nasty things which leaves him horrified – he has been spiritually destroyed, and he didn’t even know.

The line of Gu Cheng that cuts the deepest is perhaps ”it was not your fault”/ ”The guilt doesn’t lie with you.”

Because that, I think, is at the core of things when Xiao Xingchen reaches for Shuanghua that day in Yi City - that he feels that it does. That it’s all his fault.

He has lost everything. He let down and/or was betrayed by everyone he knew. Killed his beloved soulmate. He himself is tainted and ruined beyond all salvation, because of what he’s done. And so he doesn’t just kill himself, he destroys himself, kills his body and shatters his soul, beyond all hope for reincarnation and rebirth. He utterly and completely ends himself, ends everything that is and was Xiao Xingchen.

Which is heartbreaking beyond words, and also why Heaven Has A Road clearly needed to happen. D:

…

I hope this was at least in the ballpark of the kind of rambling you were hoping for. XD

#untamed artfulness #meta #xiao xingchen #the happy songxuexiao roadtrip story #asksilvy #submission #cw:suicide

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lmjupdates · 3 years ago

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Lauren Jauregui on her Sense of Self, the innate magic of spirituality, & her upcoming EP

Portrait by: Halie Torris

Portrait Reference Photo by: Munachi Osegbu

Interview by: Isabella Vega

Photos by: Tristian Hollingsworth

One of the most surreal moments of my life was sitting in the Zoom room, waiting for Lauren Jauregui to enter. There was a plethora of thoughts swirling in my head, mostly nerves - I had never met someone who I had such a deep cosmic connection with, someone I'd spent the last eight years following and looking to guidance for. What if they weren't all I thought they would be? Then, I spotted the Lauren Jauregui Edition of Coup De Main on my desk shelf, and that's when it hit me: I had manifested this entire conversation. God put this person in my path for a reason, all those years ago, and I was about to find out why. As I let her into the Zoom, I had no idea the emotional journey the next forty five minutes would lead me. What unfolded was something I always dreamed, and somehow, almost predicted: that in meeting the woman I had spent a lifetime loving and learning from, in truly baring our souls and sharing our life philosophies, a few of my internal puzzle pieces would click together with every laughing breath and anecdote dripping off of her with intellect and authenticity. I present to you: a candid conversation with Lauren Jauregui - how she describes her Sense of Self, her ideas on the current mental health movement, and her upcoming EP.

Isabella: How would you describe your Sense of Self in one sentence?

Lauren: I guess my sense of self is just kind of… This is complex now that I’m sitting and thinking about it! I’m like ‘what does my sense of self mean?!’ I guess it’s just kind of the awareness that I’m embodying. Yeah, like, how much I’m showing up for myself and the self care aspect of all of it. That’s usually when I feel the most sense of self, when I’m aware of my body and my mind and my heart and how it’s feeling, so self-care.

Isabella: Now more than ever, there seems to be a growing awareness/spread of information on mental health, a sort of movement throughout social media platforms. Is there any facet of this growing movement that you would want to change or is there anything you would like to add to the conversations?

Lauren: I mean, I think there is always room for improvement in how we approach things. Again, this is a topic that is new to all of us as a collective, we’ve been under the oppressive thumb of capitalism, imperialism, and colonization for a very long time, and we still live in a settler-colonial state. I think that the disparities between how mental health affects different people is definitely a nuanced conversation. I think that acknowledging state violence can not just be talked away is important, and I don’t think that we talk often enough about how people of color’s mental health suffers because there are systemic things in place to oppress them and to hurt them. That are still in place and that we still debate and that we still have to have conversations about, which has been centuries of people talking about whether or not it’s ok to brutalize people of color. I think bringing that into the conversation a lot more - state violence’s impact on our mental health. A lot of the time we are just, like “Oh, I’m traumatized because my parents treated me a certain way” or “I’m traumatized because this person did something to me” but what we don’t really address is those behaviors of other folks like parents - something I’m trying to acknowledge is saying “I know my parents didn’t have the tools, and that’s something I’m learning through my mental health journey.” That’s not something I understood off the bat. I thought that the things that had happened to me in my life were the reasons why I was this way.

When you start going into the journey, and when the journey involves the spiritual element of the journey. That’s another thing, I would love to have more conversations about spiritual illness. Where the lack of faith and the lack of belief in self is the root cause of a lot of depression and anxiety. That disconnect from God and the disconnect from the belief that reality can be what we manifest it. We have to take responsibility for the way that our world looks right now, and the way we look, and the way we operate and hold one another or don’t. It really has to come down to every individual person wanting to show up for themselves more and understand themselves more.

I would like to have more conversations about the connectivity between everything, the intersectionality between this stuff.

Isabella: I love that. As someone who’s religious and has a very strong spiritual connection to all of that, that’s what I love about you so much - a lot of people are scared to talk about religion and spirituality, whilst you just go there, and talk about something that is so foundational to our beings.

Lauren: Yeah. I’ll challenge that a little bit and say it’s not necessarily religion. I feel like religion can be an instrument used to pin us against each other. It’s about spirituality because God is a reflection of us and lives in each of us. That’s why God looks so different everywhere because everywhere you go, God looks like the people there, because God is self. Self is God. As far as, like, when you think of the higher self, when you pray, whoever you pray to - this being is here for you, and you see yourself in them. Whilst you can understand that they are there for the rest of the world, as well, that connection regardless of religion, that understanding that there is something greater than yourself, is benevolent?

Isabella: Yeah.

Lauren: And that’s so important. I think we often forget about that, and I know that my darkest times were when I forgot that God existed. And when I didn’t trust in God and their vision for me. A lot of times, we feel like things are happening to us, but really, they’re happening for us.

Isabella: So, I’ve heard whispers through the grapevine of there being an EP in the works. Congratulations! I’ve been waiting!

Lauren: Hahaha!

Isabella: How do you plan on continuing your pure self expression through the release of a shorter form project and an eventual album?

Lauren: Well, I think that music is where I am the most self-expressive. It’s my safe space. I think writing in general, whether that’s my journal, or if that’s my notepad, or wherever. I used to just think a lot, and thinking a lot really messed me up, it gave me a lot of anxiety, and I used to think in loops, which I still do, but I’m better at catching myself now. That self expression is just a pertinent element of why I do music. I feel like I naturally just wanna talk about feelings! I’m just an emo shawty, I really love to put my stuff into words, and I feel like the challenge of putting it into a three minute or four minute song is kind of dope, because you get to kind of get it out. You don’t have to think about all of the things, you have to curate what you’re talking about and how you get the audience to understand your storyline in a concise, intentional way. Whether that’s short form or long form, it’s definitely my approach to making art.

Isabella: I love that! So, I don’t know how much you can say, and it’s alright if you can’t say much! I just wanted to know - what’s the vibe? I know you’ve worked in the past with the brilliant Kid Harpoon, who helped make Fine Line by Harry Styles, which is my favorite album of all time and saved me in so many ways, so will you two be working together on this project?

Lauren: On this specific EP, I am not working with him. I have other songs with him, because he and I make beautiful music together. I love Kid Harpoon. He’s a good friend and a really beautiful collaborator. On this EP, nothing’s produced by him on it, that’s not to say that we won’t work together again or the songs that we made won’t be released in some other format, but this one, I’m almost done with mixing now.

Isabella: Oooo!!!

Lauren: Yeah! I’m just in the process of getting all of the visuals together and making sure everything is packaged nicely and looking good for everybody!

Isabella: I’m so excited!

Lauren: Yes! I think it’s very close, and while I totally understand why everyone is expectant of something from me - I get that and I totally understand - this process of making this music has been WAY more profound than just the music itself, it’s been a huge rediscovery of self. It’s been unlearning like no other. It’s been a messy and painful and joyous process in all kinds of different ways. To me, it’s been so much more than what I can give people. That’s the beautiful after effect to me, so people feel seen, heard, and safe, like there’s someone else who understands where they're at. I focus a lot on the things that I think about, so I hope that whoever listens to it can feel the potency of the self-discovery that went into this and realize why it took so long. Self-discovery isn’t something you do in a couple of weeks, especially everything that I’d been through. I’m a very sensitive soul, and everything that went on really shifted my perception of self into a very toxic place that I needed to come out of, I really needed this time. Everyday, it’s made me trust more in God and God’s plan. Everytime I thought I had it figured out, ready to release, every single time, God would derail and say “Wait, there’s something bigger.” Every time, I was like “God! Let me put out this freaking music!” Isabella: Hahaha!

Lauren: And God’s like “yeah, yeah! I know! But people have to know who you are! And YOU don’t know who you are! When you know who you are, then we can give it to the world!” I know who I am now!

Isabella: That’s amazing to hear. I really hate when fans try to claim the intimacy of “knowing you” when we only know the public version of you, but I’m a very big empath, especially with the public figures I vibe with, I choose them very wisely. I’ve followed you for a very long time, so I can see the change from “Expectations’'' to “50 Ft.”

Lauren: Right!?

Isabella: Yeah! You’re a new, spectacular whole, and I hope you know how proud I am.

Lauren: Thank you!!!! I’m proud of you, too! You’ve been on this journey with me.

Isabella: Thank you! I really think I have! It’s taken a while for us to put this interview together, and I really feel like God put us together at the perfect moment, because mentally, I feel like I’m in the perfect place to meet you.

Lauren: God’s timing is something else!

This introduction and interview has been condensed for the online format. The full interview appears in Issue 2: Rumination, open for orders until June 10th. If you've read this whole thing - I love you to actual pieces - use code 333 at checkout for a special discount!

https://www.senseofselfzine.com/product-page/issue-2-rumination

Source: https://www.senseofselfzine.com/post/lauren-jauregui-on-her-sense-of-self-the-innate-magic-of-spirituality-her-upcoming-ep

#lauren jauregui #interview #postedbymarina

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soysaucevictim · 3 years ago

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“more than ever, hour (work is never over)”

Summary: Logan goes for a run, and hits a snag when Roman seems to have found himself in trouble. Again. (This happens about a year before “Cherry Cola”, to be clear. Sanders Sides, Gym Rat AU. One-shot. Ao3 link.)

Genres: Slice of Life, Fluff, Light Angst, Sickfic(?)

Characters: Logan and Roman centric. Janus, Patton, and Remus mentioned.

Relationships: Logince (platonic), Background Intrulogical (platonic/ambiguous), Background Roceit (sexual/QPP*), Background Loceit (platonic)

Warnings: Lots of numbers, Himbro Roman, Roman Is A Disaster, illness, over-training, sleep deprivation, heat exhaustion, (not as bad as what happened in “Cherry Cola”), vomiting (mentioned), Logan Is A Good Friend

Logan was running his typical checklists before setting out for another HIIT routine over at the gym. He highly valued maintaining his cardiac and overall health. He wasn’t in the medical field like Janus is and Patton used to be, but he didn’t need those credentials to appreciate it.

Considering he was a 28 year old Homo sapien, his maximal heart rate would be 192 beats per minute. Obviously, he wasn’t keen on achieving nor surpassing exactly that red zone. To say there were diminishing returns, would be an understatement. Remus would take the notion as a challenge… to be sure.

But that value was necessary to calculate his initial target – 65% of that, to be relatively precise. 125, rounded up. He intended to reach that after some warm-up routine and the first lap or two. He would consider this the yellow zone.

Once that holds reasonably steady, his next goal was to go for 87% at the highest intensity. So, 167 BPM. Holding that line for at least a minute. 2 minutes, if he was feeling particularly bold, he was in pretty good shape at this juncture. This would be more of an orange zone.

After the spike in intensity, he would go down to 50% for recovery, or 96 BPM. Rest at that load for 3 minutes, in the proverbial green zone. And then crank the figurative gears back up to the 87% target.

He intended to repeat this for at least 10 rounds. Add more, if energy is willing. Sounded like a plan.

To hit these marks, one of the simpler ways Logan enjoyed were via the exercise bikes. But today, he thought he’ll do some laps around the indoor track. He felt he needed to work in some more devoted arm action, and that would be a reasonable way to hit this workout paradigm. This outline seemed elegant and flawless.

He reviewed all of that while he swapped out his casual shoes for runners, in the locker room.

It was exactly noon when he approached the starting line. He popped in some earbuds to his prepared playlists.

He was listening to the mix named “Warm-Up Playlist”. He knew his fellows would jab him for the plainness of it, but the utility simply couldn’t be argued with. It was a selection of songs that started at 50, incrementing up to 100 BPM in tempo. It helped him keep his pace.

He stood to the side, spending a couple minutes doing some preliminary exercises. Ankle circles, leg swings, pelvic loops, arm circles, and hula-hoop jumps. It’s important to keep all the relevant joints stable and readied. Janus would probably congratulate his refreshing fastidiousness, among their motley crew.

After that micro-checklist was completed, he started going toward a brisk walking pace. He was going to check his heart rate after a couple laps to see how close to 65% he was getting.

Halfway into his first lap, he was nearly knocked over by a blur wearing a red crop-top sweatshirt and matching shorts. Roman, clearly not paying attention to what he was doing. Predictably. Logan snorted and rolled his eyes. He had to table his thoughts about his friend’s whole methodology (or lack thereof, as far as he was concerned), or else he’d fall too far out of rhythm!

Roughly a quarter of the way into the second lap, Roman closed in on Logan again, he was going at a jogging pace to a slightly faster walk to match up with Logan. Roman waved and smiled at Logan, “Hey! Didn’t expect to see ya here, Specs!”

Logan thought the voice was Roman-typically cheery. Frankly Logan would be mystified about this man’s energy, if he hadn’t met Remus first. “Salutations.”

“Why are you going so slooow? Wanna race me? I bet I can totally run circles around you!”

“No. I have a plan I intend to stick to, Roman. You know this.”

Roman melodramatically threw up his arms and pouted at Logan, somewhat impressively coordinated to his slow jogging. “Fiiine. I’m off – I want to see how many laps I can get in, like... the next hour. Adiós, for now~”

Roman went from a jog to a run before he could get a response. Logan tutted before refocusing on getting to that 65% - that yellow zone. After the second lap, he drank some water and checked his pulse… hmmm, 55%. It was time to hit a jog. He skipped a few tracks toward that range and worked to match.

By the time Logan completed lap 3, he reached and held at 65%. So, he turned on a 1-minute interval timer and his “HIIT Playlist”, on his phone. Much of the music went at 120 BPM, give or take 30. This phase, he was going to rely on his fitness bracelet to tell him where he’s at, not enough time to do things digitally… rather, manually or with his fingers, to clarify.

He and Remus programmed this thing to flash his percentage progress, freeing up some mental space to not need to calculate that value repeatedly, whenever he looked at the monitor.

He picked up to a run for about another quarter-lap and broke into a full-tilt sprint. Every 20 or so seconds, he glanced at the bracelet, while keeping the majority of his attention to his surroundings and form.

20 seconds, 73%. Not good enough.

40 seconds, 84%. Logan grimaced and pushed his cadence up a bit more.

50 seconds, 86%. For the love of Archimedes… it’s okay. It’s close.

BEEP! 60 seconds, 88%. Orange. FINALLY. Okay, he thought he had a good read now, being consistent for the next sets should be easier.

Time to, figuratively, dial things way down. He spent approximately 20 seconds running, 40 more jogging, and BEEP.

He took a couple sips from his water bottle, before spending the remaining 2 minutes going at a walk.

1 minute, 30 seconds, 78%.

BEEP. 2 minutes, 71%.

2 minutes, 30 seconds, 60%.

2 minutes, 50 seconds, 53%.

BEEP. 3 minutes, 49%. Green. Logan sighed to himself, “Margin of error, you have to account for it… anyways.”

Round 2.

20 seconds, 76%. Better.

40 seconds, 85%. Almost there.

50 seconds, 87%. Orange, again. Locked on, Logan smiled. Now hold this for 10 more seconds…

BEEP!

Second active rest cycle.

Once he got down to a walk again, he observed that Roman was on the opposite end of the track. Still going at what he could only describe as an absurd pace.

Roman closed in when Logan was 2 minutes into this interval. 69%, by the way. Logan groaned, some of Remus’s sense of humor “rubbing off on him”. Why must people ascribe such crudeness to an arbitrary number, he wondered.

Roman was panting quite loudly, shouting down Logan, “Nerd- Nerd’s got some SPEED!”

Logan took a swig of his water bottle. “This is not the first time you’ve seen me manage this.”

Roman looked like he just realized he should have followed suit, smacking his lips and drinking several gulps from his own water supply. “R-riiight.”

“You really should pace yourself. On everything. Honestly.”

“HEY. Only Snakey McSnakerson gets to tell me that!”

“Is he here right now? Am I wrong?”

Roman was back to pouting, “I’m not going to dignify that with a response.”

“But you just-”

Roman cupped his hands over his ears, “Lalala – I can’t hear you!”

Roman ran off ahead of him again. Logan could only shake his head.

2 minutes 55 seconds, 51%.

BEEP. 50%. Green.

Round 3.

30 seconds, 80%. Not bad if he said so himself.

40 seconds, 84%. Margin of error.

50 seconds, 89%. Overcompensated somewhat, it would seem. Perhaps Roman’s competitive streak was “infectious”, today.

BEEP! 60 seconds, 91%. Orange, approaching red. Yeah, he was definitely overcompensating.

Third rest, fourth active, fourth rest, fifth active intervals... hitting his marks, pleasingly and without incident.

He was on his fifth rest, soon enough.

Once Logan was walking again, he thought he was up for extending his active intervals to 2’, for the next 5 sets. Things have been building palpable fatigue, but very manageable.

Roman still appeared to holding up, a short distance ahead of Logan, at this point. Perhaps he was slowing down. It was a few moments before the distance was closed again.

Roman was drenched, so Logan decided to ask him, “Are you quite alright?”

“Might be getting a little tired now, no big deal.”

Logan recalled some things Patton instructed all of them about and he looked at Roman more carefully as they walked slowly. Roman looked paler than usual. “Hmmm, is your head hurting, perhaps?”

“Maybe a little. Didn’t get enough sleep again, it’s probably that.”

“I imagine it couldn’t be helping but-”

Roman got a little agitated, “But what, Egg Head?”

“Are you nauseous?”

“I’m not ready to puke, not just yet, Bro Ham.”

“May I check your pulse? Or rather, how does it feel?”

“What are you getting at!?”

“Cramps? Dizziness?… I think you are exhibiting the signs of heat exhaustion.”

Roman looked like he was going to be short with Logan, but it was clear now that he was starting to get somewhat wobbly. Logan decided to prompt him again, “Here, let us go to the showers, you need to cool off.”

Roman knew he couldn’t fight Logan in his current state, “Fiiine.”

Logan was annoyed about cutting his workout short, but he could always resume later. This was more important, anyways.

Roman was lying on his back on one of the benches in the locker room. His outfit then saturated with cool shower water, holding a battery-power fan to himself that Logan let him borrow.

Logan was at his feet, “How are your symptoms now?”

Roman groaned, “You’re not “the doctor” in our group, would you please stop acting like it.”

“I do not wish to see you in the hospital, Roman.”

Roman sputtered a little, “Yeah well, I’m fine.”

“Stable, I suppose, yes. But I know you enough to know you are not “fine”.”

Roman almost shot up to rebut, but a wave of dizziness forced him back down. “Look. I just didn’t get enough sleep – mind was running a bajillion miles an hour last night. So many IDEAS to write down. And couldn’t get to sleep until way after… you know what? Nevermind.”

Logan did care and frankly saw a lot of similar tendencies between the two brothers. It disturbed him and made him wish he was able to help them get a better handle on their sleeping and general health habits. It seemed as though they were both at very high risk of something serious occurring. But at the same time, he recognized that this was not his area of expertise. All he could really do was try to be there for them.

“Speaking of which... I think I see my wall… approaching… going to-”

Before Logan could latch onto any inquiries about walls, Roman dropped the fan and started snoring. After a brief moment of worry, Logan was reasonably sure this was simply a nap, not a loss of consciousness. To his relief.

Logan thought idly, “I suppose I should at least inform Janus what occurred. Roman might not be fit to drive for a while longer.”

Logan tapped out a message, “Hey. I’m in the locker room with Roman. He likely had an episode of heat exhaustion, today. He appears to be doing okay right now. But I felt that it was worth mentioning it to you.”

It was not even 2 minutes before Janus responded with, “WHAT!?”

“He’s safe, just taking a nap. I suppose he wouldn’t mind if you took him home.”

“… omw. That dumb ass has some explaining to do. With love, of course.”

“Indeed, I shall see you shortly then?”

“Yeah, ttyl… thanks, btw.”

Logan supposed he should stick around to make sure Roman was safe before resuming his own agenda. He had to admit, like with Remus, he did enjoy seeing them get some greatly needed rest.

#spilled musing #sanders sides #logan sanders #roman sanders #janus sanders #patton sanders #remus sanders #(*i think that may be a more accurate label to this AU's Roceit)#(honestly both the twins are complete disaster humans)#(but they're in good company)#gymrat au

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