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narumi-gens · 3 years

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Kintsugi | Chapter 3

Nanami Kento x Reader

summary: No one understood the intricacies of the soul better than you did. That was why you were all too aware of how damaged and brittle your own was. But Nanami would always be there to help you mend the cracks and keep it from shattering completely.

warnings: 18+ minors dni, smut, angst, hurt/comfort, but also finally some fluff, angst with a happy ending, oral sex (f receiving), cockwarming, squirting, soft smut, all the emotions, minor hidden inventory arc spoilers

notes: this shit is long so thank you all for being so patient. this ended up being my favorite thing I've written so far so please let me know what you think!

words: 15.4k

chapters: i • ii • iii

series masterlist

Read on ao3

Your mother watched with an amused smile as you kept looking from the bowl of grapes in your lap to the bowl of grapes that was resting on top of her heavily pregnant belly. The fact that she now had a built-in tray everywhere she went was probably the only useful thing about being the size of a whale.

“What’s wrong?” she finally asked and you looked up at her with a frown from where you sat next to her on the couch. You then lifted your bowl with your two small hands and held it next to hers.

“Mine’s broken,” you complained, referring to the gold lines that ran along the side of your bowl where it had once been repaired.

“No, it’s not. It’s been fixed,” she gently laughed with a shake of her head, and your pout only deepened.

“But I want a normal one,” you insisted and she sighed good-naturedly as she reached a hand out and fondly brushed your hair from your face.

“You know, it would be easy to fix the bowl and make it look like it had never been broken,” she told you. “But do you know why we use gold on the cracks?”

You shook your head and she plucked a grape from the bowl and passed it to you for you to eat.

“It’s because you should never try to hide the damage,” she explained and her uncharacteristically firm tone caught your attention as you looked up at her with wide eyes. “You repair it and embrace it and then it becomes something even more beautiful.”

Her expression softened when she saw your face scrunching up with confusion and she leaned in to drop a kiss to the top of your head.

“Never forget that. Embrace the broken pieces and it’ll only make you stronger,” she said gently and she waited for you to nod before she picked out another grape for you to take.

As she watched you eat it, a teasing smile appeared on her lips — one that felt much more familiar than the serious expression that she had just been sporting.

“But if you want the plain, boring, old bowl, you can have it,” she sighed dramatically and grabbed the bowl from your lap to switch it with the one on her belly.

“What? Mama, no!” you cried out, immediately reaching out to try and swap them back.

She laughed at your quick change of heart and playfully pinched your cheek and began to pull, making you giggle loudly as she stretched your smile wide. You began to try and squirm away from her, which only made her tug on your cheek further.

But as you continued to wiggle, the unbroken bowl that she had placed in your lap was accidentally jostled and fell to the floor, where it cleanly broke into three pieces despite the softness of the tatami mat that it landed on.

Your eyes grew as wide as saucers as you stared down at the broken bowl and there was a long moment of silence before your mother burst into laughter that rang joyously through the room. You looked up at her, watching her for a few seconds before joining in with your own childish giggles.

However, the joint laughter came to a sudden halt when the shoji door was thrown open with a shrill and panicked cry of your mother’s name.

“I heard something break! Are you alright?” Kanae, your kind, long-suffering housekeeper, frantically asked as she came stumbling into the room. “Is it the baby? I’ll call the midwife!”

You and your mother froze before exchanging fearful looks, scared that you both might find yourselves on the receiving end of yet another one of Kanae’s lectures about how the clan head and the clan heir should know better.

“Ahhh, Kanae-san. No, I’m alright. Please don’t worry. Just a little accident,” your mother said with a nervous laugh.

When the older woman saw how you both simultaneously turned your heads to look at her with matching, guilty expressions, her panic began to fade. It was replaced with amusement over how similar the pair of you looked, which she was quick to hide with an exasperated sigh.

As she walked over and saw the broken bowl on the floor, she began to chide both of you for your behavior. She purposely turned a blind eye to the way your mother was mocking her behind her back as she knelt down to pick up the pieces. The way you failed to hide your giggles in response to the pregnant woman’s playfulness warmed her heart even as she continued to chastise the two of you.

She had served your clan ever since your mother was young and she would never tire of how your childish laughter echoed throughout the large house, reminding her of days from long ago.

“Kanae-san, can you put aside the broken pieces?” your mother asked when Kanae paused her lecturing to take a breath. “We’ll just fix it. No need to throw away a perfectly good bowl.”

“Yeah! We’re gonna make it look super pretty!” you declared excitedly, making your mother softly laugh.

“Of course,” Kanae said as she stood up and gave a respectful nod of her head, unable to fully hide the small smile playing on her lips.

“This place is nice,” you observed as you looked around the French restaurant that Nanami had brought you to, your chin resting in your palm.

“I’ve been wanting to try it for a while,” he said from his seat at the table across from you. “They do a duck that’s been aged for 21 days and they only serve four per night.”

“What took you so long to come?” you asked, looking back at him with an easy smile on your lips.

Everything was easy with Nanami.

“I’ve been saving it for you,” he replied simply, briefly glancing up at you from his menu. “Why don’t we start with the scallops and the burrata salad?”

Nanami had never been one for flowery, long-winded declarations of love. For him, it had never made sense to use a paragraph when a sentence would do. Which was why you never had to worry about trying to find your way through a maze of doublespeak to understand how he felt. Nanami was always a man who meant what he said.

“I’ve been saving it for you.”

There was something about that remark that had your heart fluttering like you were a teenager all over again. It made you feel special — it made you feel loved — to know that there were things that Nanami would wait to do until the two of you could do them together.

You could suddenly imagine a shared life with Nanami in Tokyo. Getting to wake up with him every morning. Having breakfast together before he left for work. Sharing dinner when he got home. Spending your evenings together. Going to sleep in the same bed night after night.

You had done it before, even if it did feel like a lifetime ago. Why couldn’t you do it again?

No more long-distance. No more cross-country traveling. No more having to survive on phone calls and texts and FaceTime. No more going to bed alone. No more waking up alone. No more having to live a life separate from Nanami.

What was stopping you?

You opened your mouth, ready to tell him that you would spend more time with him in Tokyo.

But the words wouldn’t leave you, no matter how hard you tried to force them out. There was just too much pain — too much bitterness.

“Sounds good,” you eventually said with a small nod. There was a slight, unexpected rasp to your voice that caused Nanami to look up from the menu at you with concern in his eyes. You forced a smile onto your lips, hoping to put him at ease. “You know I love scallops.”

You could tell that he wanted to probe further and ask if you were alright, but was stopped from doing so when the waitress came up to your table to take your drink order. You visibly perked up and reached for the drink menu only to have it snatched away from you before you could grab it.

“Just water is fine, thank you,” Nanami told the waitress as he handed her both the drink menu and his food menu. “We’ll start with the scallops and burrata salad and then we’ll have the duck.”

With a small frown on your lips, you passed her your own food menu before she left. You watched Nanami as he absently brushed away at an invisible spot on the tablecloth with the backs of his fingers — a tell that he was deep in thought.

You patiently waited as a small bubble of anxiety formed in the pit of your stomach, almost certainly knowing what he was about to say. He finally folded his hands in front of him on the table and looked up at you.

“I’m worried about your drinking,” he said, choosing to be direct, just as he was in all other aspects of his life. He watched you carefully, knowing that this was a delicate conversation.

You internally debated for a brief moment whether to protest and deny that you had a problem before assuring him that there was nothing to be concerned about. But you quickly decided that the last thing that you wanted to do was spend the little, precious time that you had with Nanami arguing.

Instead, you sighed softly and propped your elbow on the table so that you could rest your chin in the palm of your hand. You turned your gaze out the window, distractedly watching the people walking by on the street as you tried to fight off the sense of melancholy that you could feel trying to root itself deep in your chest.

“My soul’s been hurting lately,” you finally replied. You then scoffed and shook your head. “That’s a lie. It’s been hurting for a while.”

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, counting to five before releasing it and opening your eyes once more.

“I feel like it’s not getting any better, Kento,” you murmured, your voice no more than a whisper. “It’s like all those broken pieces deep down inside are so sharp that I can feel them poking through my skin for everyone to see.”

“I don’t think isolating yourself is helping,” he said gently and you looked at him from the corner of your eye. “You spend all your time alone in that big house where you’re surrounded by ghosts.”

“That’s my family’s house,” you told him, a slight edge to your voice that Nanami had rarely been on the receiving end of.

“I know,” he nodded, the kindness in his tone immediately putting you more at ease. “I just worry about you. You need some sort of human connection.”

“No, I don’t. I’m done caring about human connections,” you were quick to scoff before rolling your eyes. “I’m done caring about it all.”

A sad smile appeared on Nanami’s lips and you suddenly felt like he could see right through you down to your very core, your soul laid bare before him. But this wasn’t like with your cursed technique. This was simply because he knew you.

He knew every fear and insecurity and trauma. He knew what you were like at your best and he knew what you were like at your worst. He knew your scars as well as he knew his own.

He knew your heart and soul.

“That’s not true,” he said, his tone kind as he looked at you meaningfully. “It’s not that you don’t care. It’s that you care too much. That’s why it’s all so painful.”

It felt like he had plucked a string, his words resonating within you and drawing forward a memory that had been securely tucked away. You were no longer sitting in a restaurant in Tokyo across from Nanami.

Instead, you were curled up in your futon, trapped in a bottomless pit of grief as warm fingers gently brushed your hair behind your ear. The kind touch you could feel against your skin was the only thing keeping you tethered to the earth. And you could hear the voice of a ghost echoing in your ears.

“You and I share the same curse. We care too much. We feel other people’s pain. And in the world of jujutsu, that’s an unforgivable sin.”

You quickly blinked away the memory, joining Nanami once again in the present. There was a strange longing blooming in your chest and a sad smile of your own formed on your lips as you recognized it as regret.

“Suguru said something similar to me once,” you murmured as you looked out the window, your expression distant and Nanami’s gaze on you felt heavy. “When he came to see me after he heard about...”

Nanami was silent as you trailed off and you glanced at him from the corner of your eye to see that he was wearing an unreadable look on his face.

“He called it a curse,” you told him, the words leaving a bad taste in your mouth. You hesitated briefly and your voice sounded small with your next question. “Do you think it’s a curse?”

The way he sighed made it seem like he had aged thirty years in the span of a few short seconds. You turned your eyes to him and saw that his weariness was written clear across his face.

“In this world? The one in which we operate?” he asked, a solemn note in his tone. He paused for a moment, letting the question linger. “Probably.”

Your gaze dejectedly dropped to the table.

“But if the alternative is apathy to the suffering of others then it’s a curse I would willingly bear,” he continued and you lifted your eyes to look back at him. If your mood was just a bit worse — or if you had been drinking — you might have scoffed dismissively at him. Instead, you could only let out a weary sigh of your own.

“I feel like I’ve been cursed so many times over. Cursed to care too much. Cursed to lose the people that are important to me,” you frowned. You then let out a humorless laugh. “Cursed to become a curse.”

“You don’t know that,” he was quick to correct and you were taken aback by the unexpected sharpness in his tone. It felt like he was admonishing you and it took you a moment to realize which part of what you had said had upset him. A look of sad understanding appeared on your face.

“You don’t not know that,” you gently reminded him. “And with my soul as damaged as it is, the odds aren’t great.”

He continued to give you the same unwavering look and his resolve was so strong that for just the briefest moment, you believed that maybe he was right — maybe you weren’t fated to become a curse after death. But reality was quick to set in and remind you of the trauma and heartbreak that it felt like you would never recover from.

“You should stay here for a couple of weeks, with me. I think it’ll help,” he finally said and your eyebrows rose in surprise.

“Kento…” you began, your voice filled with hesitation, before trailing off.

“I know you hate Tokyo. I know there are a lot of things you want to forget.” His words were spoken kindly, lovingly, almost like he was trying to approach a spooked animal. “But I think you’ll see that some time together, even here, will help fix some of that damage.”

You suddenly felt the same longing from earlier when you had wanted to offer to spend more time with him in Tokyo. Maybe he was right. You knew that spending day after day alone in the house that had once been filled with so much love was taking its toll on your soul.

Was your stubborn refusal to live in a city teeming with jujutsu and jujutsu sorcerers worth the high cost to your mental state?

There was still so much bitterness in your heart fueling your desire to tell Nanami no. But with the way he was looking at you, his eyes pleading with you, you felt a “yes” on the tip of your tongue.

As the silence between the two of you continued to stretch on, you sighed.

“I’ll think about it,” you offered, a weak compromise the best you could give him at the moment. You couldn’t help but feel guilty when you saw a flash of disappointment cross Nanami’s face. “I promise. Really.”

He considered your words and seemed to recognize them as an olive branch because he decided to let the matter rest. The sober atmosphere hanging over your conversation was broken when your waitress returned with two glasses of water.

“Here are your drinks,” she said as she set them down. “Your appetizers should be out soon.”

“Take your time. We’re not in a hurry,” you assured her before giving Nanami a sincere smile, one that felt almost foreign on your lips. The waitress nodded in thanks before walking away to tend to her other tables, leaving you and Nanami alone once more.

A hint of mischief appeared in your eyes as you looked at him.

“So...Nanamin, hmm?” you asked, your lips now more reminiscent of a smirk than a true smile. It only grew wider when you saw how his eyebrow twitched at the nickname.

“Please don’t,” he sighed and his exasperation was so clear for you to see that you couldn’t help but softly laugh. “It’s bad enough that Itadori-kun refuses to call me anything else. I don’t know if I have the patience to hear it from you as well.”

You grinned as you tilted your head and rested your cheek on your fist as you gazed at him fondly. When you had first met Nanami as a fellow first-year at Jujutsu Tech, you had found his grumpy nature endearing. And now, all these years later, you found it comforting that regardless of everything that life had thrown at you, there were still some things that would never change.

“Don’t worry, Kento. You know the last thing I want is to aggravate you,” you assured him, a hint of impishness to your grin and he merely raised a skeptical eyebrow. You shook your head with another laugh before resting your chin back in your palm, your amusement fading into something more contemplative.

“Itadori Yuuji…” you murmured thoughtfully, the teenager’s smiling face and pink, fluffy hair clear in your mind. “Doesn’t he remind you of Tadashi?”

There was a wistfulness to your voice and Nanami found himself surprised when he didn’t detect any bitterness or anger lying underneath it. He couldn’t remember the last time he had heard you say your younger brother’s name. He knew how much pain was wrapped up in your memories of the boy that Nanami had been lucky enough to meet only a handful of times.

“He does,” he gently agreed. But then another face flashed through his head, a face he would never forget, the face of his classmate, his friend. “I can’t help but be reminded of Haibara as well.”

Your eyes widened slightly, the name inspiring an all too familiar sense of regret in you. You forced yourself to swallow the lump in your throat before nodding. Your gaze dropped down to your glass of water.

“He’s a first-year, right? So he’s, what? 15? 16? That’s just so young,” you said softly before pausing as you began to lose yourself in your thoughts. You then blinked a few times, shaking off the reverie that you had unintentionally allowed yourself to fall into. You glanced up from your glass to see that Nanami was watching you patiently and you cleared your throat. “That’s...that’s almost as old as Tadashi and Yu were when they died.”

Your eyes dropped once more as a small, sad smile played at your lips.

“It just doesn’t make sense, does it? The people who love life more than any of us are the ones cursed to die so young,” you mused. A darkness then passed over your face, your smile giving way to a frown. “And even if that curse doesn’t get Yuuji-kun then those old men at the top already have his execution lined up.”

You closed your eyes and gave a tired sigh. You wanted to be annoyed with yourself for caring so much about the fate of a boy that you had spent less than thirty minutes with but found that you didn’t have it in you. When it came down to it, you just wanted Itadori and the rest of his classmates to live long, healthy lives.

Nanami was right. You cared too much.

As you opened your eyes to look back at him, your sad smile returned.

“Watch out for him, alright?” you asked. “It would be heartbreaking if anything happened to such a pure soul.”

He was quiet as he dropped his gaze to the table, unable to meet your eyes. It suddenly felt like he was carrying the world on his shoulders — all of his past mistakes creating a burden that weighed heavily on him.

“I’m tired of letting people down,” he finally said, his words exposing a vulnerability that was so rare for him to display. And you could read between the lines. You knew he was talking about you. “Just once, I want to be able to protect someone.”

He raised his eyes and gave you a sad smile of his own.

“I’ll look after him. I promise.”

You were overcome with affection for the man sitting across from you. You reached your hand out to cover one of his with your palm, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. He glanced down and when he looked back up, he saw that your eyes were slightly wet and that a loving smile had appeared on your lips.

“Y’know, Kento. You care just as much as I do,” you said softly. “You’re just much better at hiding it than I am.”

His eyes widened in surprise. He opened his mouth to reply, only to find himself speechless. But just as he knew every part of you, you knew him.

And you knew that you had struck something deep within him that left him feeling exposed. His instinctive reaction was to retreat and rebuild the walls that kept his heart protected and safe.

But he knew that there was nowhere his heart was safer than with you.

He moved his hand to interlace his fingers with yours and smiled down at them, savoring the warmth of your hand in his as a comfortable silence settled over the two of you. When the tiny, irrational part of him that he was usually disinclined to listen to found itself wanting to live inside of this moment forever, he couldn’t find it in himself to disagree.

The peace was interrupted as the waitress soon arrived with your appetizers and you slipped your hand from his to make room for her to set down the plates. There was a spark of joy in your eyes as you took in the food before you.

“Thank you,” you told the waitress. “It all looks delicious.”

However, while you were looking eagerly at your meal, his eyes were still glued to your expression. He never wanted to forget how, for even just this brief moment, you looked so unburdened by the past.

The sensation of being back in Nanami’s apartment was strange. It had been almost a year since you had last stepped foot in it. Yet despite how long it had been, as you stood in his kitchen, it still felt like you were home.

You looked away from the kettle sitting on the counter and your eyes were instinctively drawn to where Nanami was standing on the balcony. Suddenly, you felt the same sense of longing from earlier deep in your gut. In that moment, there was nothing you wanted more than to spend the rest of your days living in this apartment with Nanami.

But you quickly pushed aside the feeling, not wanting to dwell on your regrets and bitterness. You just wanted to enjoy the short amount of time that you were able to share with Nanami because it was never enough.

You glanced at the refrigerator, wanting to check and see if there was any wine, before dismissing the idea. There was no doubt in your mind that Nanami had already made sure there was no alcohol in the apartment before you arrived.

Instead, you let out a resigned sigh and pulled out two mugs, easily navigating the kitchen like it was your own. You then opened another cabinet and pulled out an opened box of chamomile tea, dropping a bag into each mug before returning the box to its rightful place. The kettle popped a few moments later and you poured water into the mugs.

As you waited for the tea to steep, you once again found yourself looking out through the sliding glass door to the balcony at Nanami. His back was to you and even from this distance, you could see how the rigid line of tension that was usually present in his shoulders was nowhere to be found.

You couldn’t help but softly smile at how relaxed he looked with his jacket and tie gone — both folded neatly over the back of the couch — and his sleeves rolled up to expose his forearms as his hands casually rested in his pockets.

This was how you liked to see him — completely at ease and at peace.

You curiously watched as he began to raise a hand from his pocket, reaching out to the wind chime hanging on the balcony to grasp the paper charm hanging from the bottom as it slightly swayed in the gentle evening breeze. As he held onto the piece of paper, you saw his thumb brush over the characters inked across it.

You wondered if seeing you give Itadori a wind chime had stirred up memories of how you had gifted one to him when you were students.

Unwilling to let yourself get caught in the tide of memories yourself, you gave a small shake of your head to clear it before returning your attention to the tea on the countertop in front of you. You discarded the tea bags before grabbing a mug in each hand and making your way to the balcony to join Nanami.

He had left the glass sliding door open just a crack and with your hands full, you used your foot to push it open enough for you to get through it. Hearing you behind him, he looked over his shoulder and gave you a soft, easy smile as you set down both mugs on the small, wooden table on the balcony.

Once your hands were free, you eagerly moved to wrap your arms around his middle from behind, closing your eyes as you pressed your cheek to his back. You squeezed him tightly and as you took a deep breath, savoring both the scent of his cologne and being able to hold him so close, you felt tears beginning to form underneath your closed eyelids.

But for once they weren’t tears of grief or anger or trauma. They were tears of happiness and relief.

When he dropped his hand to rest it on top of your arm, his thumb gently rubbing against your skin, you gave his waist another squeeze. You basked in the moment, wanting to etch everything about it into your memory, from how you could feel his chest rising and falling with each breath to the way he was leaning back into your embrace to the warm breeze that had the wind chime tinkling.

Eventually, you relaxed your hold on him and opened your eyes. You nuzzled your cheek against his back one last time before leaning up slightly to press a kiss to the back of his neck.

“C’mon,” you gently said into his ear, a faintly playful tone to your voice. “Take a seat. It’s your turn.”

He lifted one of your hands in his and brought it up to drop a kiss to the backs of your knuckles. He then turned around in your arms and cupped your face in his hands before pressing his lips to yours in a sweet kiss that lingered just long enough for you to savor it.

When he pulled back, you greedily drank in the loving smile that he was wearing. To the rest of the world, Nanami was a closed shell who hid his emotions and smiles behind a hardened exterior. And you considered yourself truly blessed that you were the one he chose to allow in.

He let his thumb gently sweep across your cheekbone one more time before he did as you requested and sat down on one of the chairs on the balcony. You were quick to follow, sitting down in his lap over one of his thighs and he instinctively wrapped his arm around your waist to pull you in closer.

With pure fondness in your eyes and a playful smile teasing at your lips, you ran your fingers through his hair, pushing it back from his forehead and leaving it properly disheveled — just the way you liked to see him. You relished the way that you could feel him leaning into your touch.

You then dropped your hand down to rest against his chest, where you could feel his heart beating steadily beneath your palm, serving as just another reminder that he was here with you and full of life. With a soft smile, you drew upon your cursed energy and let the shape of Nanami’s soul appear before your eyes.

A warmth settled over you, unfurling deep from within, as you took in his soul. It was so familiar to you that — apart from any new damage — you knew what it looked like even with your eyes closed. You knew his soul as well as you knew your own.

You let your eyes follow the many cracks that you saw, each and every one emblazoned with gold from where they had been repaired over the years. You could see so much of yourself — your cursed energy but also your own soul — in him because of how many times you had healed him. After all, you had been repairing his soul for over ten years now.

You were so focused on surveying the state of Nanami’s soul that you were oblivious to the way he was observing you, a nostalgic look on his face that he was usually so rare to wear. Despite your protests over the years, he had always considered you the far superior jujutsu sorcerer.

As students, Nanami had always needed to work hard to achieve what seemed to come naturally to you. It was something that would have irked him had it not been for your own constant efforts to improve your abilities rather than simply relying on your natural talent to get you by.

He usually wasn’t one to get lost in the past, but he couldn’t help but smile as one in particular memory seemed to surface.

Nanami didn’t know what to make of you. Even after a couple of months of knowing you, you were still an enigma. There were just so many contradictions about you that it made it hard for him to figure you out.

You were an open book, but managed to hide so much. You had a powerful cursed technique, but you never used it. You were strong enough to rival your Special Grade seniors, but were still choosing to train with him well past dinner.

This was all running through his mind as he laid on his back in the grass, trying to catch his breath as the two of you took a break from your training. He stared up at the evening sky, watching as the pinks and oranges slowly turned to purples and blues.

He tried to ignore your presence as you sat up next to him, your arms loosely wrapped around your knees but instead found himself begrudging how it seemed like you hadn’t even broken a sweat.

“Why are you helping me so much?” he finally asked, breaking the silence. You looked at him over your shoulder with a confused look.

“Hmm?” You tilted your head to the side curiously, unsure what he meant.

“You’re already a Grade 1 sorcerer,” he explained like it was something that you weren’t already aware of as he lifted himself to sit up beside you, resting his palms in the grass behind him and leaning back. “You don’t need to be training like this.”

Your face broke out into a grin like Nanami had told a funny joke. You then sat up straighter and cleared your throat before giving him a serious look.

“Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard,” you said, wagging a finger at him to emphasize your words.

You watched as his eyebrows rose slightly before a small smile appeared on his lips. For some reason, you felt like his respect for you had just grown.

“What?” you asked, confused about what your overly serious classmate had found so amusing.

“Nothing, that’s just very wise of you,” he mused with a slight shake of his head. “I wasn’t expecting it.”

Something mischievous began to twinkle in your eyes.

“It’s on the inspirational poster my little brother has hanging in his room,” you confessed with a soft laugh.

Despite himself, Nanami felt his smile grow just a little bit wider. But before he could give you some dry retort, you suddenly stood up and put your foot on his shoulder, startling him when you pushed him back onto the ground, an offended look on your face.

“And what do you mean, ‘Why am I helping you so much?’” you scoffed, seemingly genuinely outraged. “What a dumb question! You’re my friend! Am I just supposed to leave you to train out in the dark by yourself? I thought you were supposed to be the smart one of the three of us!”

Nanami looked stunned by your unexpected outburst, unable to do anything other than dumbly blink up at you. But his shock melted away when your eyes softened and you gave him a warm, kind smile.

“We’re in this together, Kento,” you said and you lifted your foot from his shoulder so that you could offer your hand out to help him from the ground.

He stared at it for a moment before lifting his own hand up to take yours, only letting his mind linger for a second on how nice your hand felt in his.

Unable to help himself and overcome with an unfamiliar longing for simpler days, Nanami lifted a hand and covered yours where it rested on his chest over his heart. You raised your eyes to look at him curiously. But when you saw the affection on his face, you only smiled before returning your attention to his soul.

You were relieved that it was largely in the same condition in which you had left it. There are a few small cracks, ones that only a skilled eye would even notice. But what you were truly focused on was the small, dark spot that you could see, almost like a bruise.

“I can see where that cursed spirit tried to touch your soul,” you breathed so softly that even with how close you were to him, your words were almost drowned out by the sounds from the street below.

The spot was so faint that it had already begun to heal, but you directed your cursed energy towards the spot anyway to finish the healing before then letting your cursed energy seep into the other few cracks that you could see. Your own soul began to ache just slightly as you repaired the damage, but you easily brushed it aside.

You would gladly bear all of Nanami’s pain if you could.

“Tell me, how bad was it really?” you asked quietly. There was a pause as he allowed himself another moment to indulge in the warm, soothing sensation of your soul blending with his as you repaired it.

“He trapped me in his domain,” he finally said, breaking the silence and he could feel you tensing against him as you froze. When you looked up at him, it was with wide, fearful eyes. He quickly tried to put you at ease with a reassuring smile. “But Itadori-kun broke in and forced him into touching Sukuna’s soul.”

There was a slight undertone of amusement in his voice as he reflected on the boy who willingly charged headfirst into someone else’s domain. But you were too focused on how close Nanami had been to death to think of anything else.

You released your cursed technique, the damage to his soul now fully repaired, but you kept your hand on his chest. Your fingers curled into his blue button-up as you clung desperately onto the fabric.

“You need to be more careful,” you pleaded, your voice soft, desperate, and vulnerable. “I can’t lose you.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he assured you gently, like was trying to calm a scared and wounded animal. He lifted a hand and caressed your cheek, his thumb tenderly stroking your skin. You eagerly leaned into his touch and closed your eyes.

“You’re the only thing holding my soul together,” you admitted, your voice cracking and he let his forehead drop to yours as he held you close. “You’re the only person I have left in this world. Without you, I’ll shatter into a million pieces.”

“I’ll always be here,” he assured you and when you opened your eyes to meet his gaze, you could see the determination in them. But it wasn’t enough. You needed more.

A single tear rolled down your cheek before it was caringly brushed away by his thumb.

“Promise me you won’t die,” you whispered, already knowing that it was unreasonable, knowing that it was impossible, knowing that it was selfish, knowing that it was too much to ask. But as your vision began to blur with more tears, you didn’t care.

You had already lost so much, you couldn’t lose Nanami.

He let out a weary sigh that made him seem so much older than he really was. He pressed a kiss to your forehead and rested his cheek against the top of your head. You buried your face in his neck, missing the pained look that crossed his features as you quietly cried into his skin.

“I’m sorry,” he finally breathed, and even though the two words came out as barely more than a whisper, you could hear the shame in them nonetheless. “I’m sorry I’ve been so selfish with you. It would save you so much pain if I just pushed you away.”

His hold around you grew tighter, pulling you closer as if to contradict himself.

“My life would be so much worse without you in it,” you murmured, trying to assure him that he was a soothing balm for all of your pain, not the cause of it.

“I’ve always thought jujutsu sorcerers were worse than trash,” he continued, sounding slightly distant, as if he hadn’t heard you. “But what does that make me if I’m willing to hurt you just for my own selfish needs?”

The question was probably meant to be rhetorical. It seemed like something that he had spent countless nights turning over and over again in his mind. With a soft sniffle, you pulled back slightly so that you could meet his gaze.

You could see his own pain etched across his handsome face and it only seemed to grow worse when he saw your tear-stained cheeks. It was your turn to cup his jaw with your hands.

“Then let’s be selfish with each other,” you told him, your voice thick with the tears that continued to fall, one right after the other. His brow wrinkled together in confusion. “You be selfish with me and I’ll be selfish with you.”

As your words sank in, his eyes grew wider and you could read the full spectrum of his emotions in them, from guilt all the way to relief.

“We’ve spent so much of our lives being selfless, sacrificing ourselves and the people we love all because that’s what was expected of us.” You were unable to fully keep the derision from your tone but you pushed past it by gently stroking your thumbs across his elegant cheekbones.

Your expression softened, something desperate replacing the bitterness.

“So, let’s be selfish with each other,” you repeated, your gaze never wavering from his despite the tears that were still brimming your eyes. “Promise me that you won’t die. Promise me that you won’t leave me alone.”

Seeing that he was about to protest out of fear of giving you false hope and wanting to spare you any future pain, you quickly continued.

“Even if you know you can’t keep it. Even if it hurts you to say it. Even if you’ll regret it the moment you do.” Your voice was firm, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was Nanami’s promise. “I don’t care how selfish I’m being. I don’t care that I’m cursing you. Just promise me.”

He looked back at you silently, his expression unreadable. Your harsh words were softened by the soothing touch of your thumbs brushing along his skin as well as the pure desperation in your eyes.

And Nanami knew that for as much as he didn’t want to have yet another regret when it came to you, he also couldn’t deny you this.

For everything you had done for him, for all the times that you had been there for him, for all the times he had wished that he was the one who could take on your suffering rather than the other way around, for how you had never held his decision to leave everything behind and abandon you against him, you deserved to be selfish.

He would willingly bear this curse for you.

“I promise,” he finally murmured, his voice low, rough, and filled with remorse.

You let out a shaky exhale as your eyes closed, causing another tear to escape and roll down your cheek. When you opened your eyes again, he could see the relief in them and he knew that even if he one day broke that promise, he had done the right thing in making it.

“Okay,” you nodded with a soft sniffle before giving him a watery smile that managed to be more affectionate than he felt that he deserved. “And in return, I promise to give you all the love I have, every last bit. It’s all for you, Kento. Take all my love and I’ll take whatever pain is waiting for me in the future because of it.”

There was a sheen to his eyes that hadn’t been there a moment ago but he quickly blinked and it was gone. You could tell how tempted he was to simply accept what you were offering. But there was a part of him that was still reluctant to be so openly selfish that he would allow his happiness to come at the expense of your own.

“I’m already cursed with loving you forever whether you want me to or not. So, you might as well just accept it,” you said, your small smile turning slightly playful. But there was a sadness in your eyes that assured him you knew exactly what loving him entailed — the potential for unimaginable heartbreak.

You gently rested your forehead against his and let your eyelids flutter shut once more, savoring the intimacy as your noses bumped up against one another.

“You carry my curse and I’ll carry yours,” you breathed, a wistful smile now playing on your lips. After all, you already had so many curses weighing on your soul. What was one more? Especially if it was for Nanami.

A long silence stretched on between you until finally, he seemed to give in to temptation.

“Okay,” he rasped before his lips lightly brushed yours in a kiss that tasted of your tears.

And suddenly it wasn’t enough. You needed him — all of him.

You slid your hands up from where they were still caressing his cheeks into his hair, using your grip on his sandy strands to guide his lips back to yours. He seemed to be as eager as you were, your need for one another something shared between you.

All of the tension and heartache and fear drained from your body as you melted into him, replaced by a burning desire deep within your belly. His grip around your waist grew tight as he held you close.

But as much as you enjoyed the feel of Nanami’s lips on yours, it still wasn’t enough to sate your hunger for him. Despite the fact that he had only visited you a little over a month ago, it felt like it had been years since you had last felt his touch, and now that you finally had the opportunity to rectify that, you wouldn’t waste a single moment.

Without breaking the kiss, you slowly began to stand from his lap, gently pulling him along with you until he was the one leaning down to keep his lips on yours. He trailed the hand on your waist around until his palm was firmly placed on the small of your back so that he could pull you close, the front of your body intimately pressed up against his.

A soft moan escaped you when you felt that he was already growing hard. The fire inside of you grew with every move of his lips and every taste of his tongue, urging you to get off this balcony and into his bedroom.

Unwilling to let your lips part from his, you slowly started to walk backwards through the sliding glass door that you had left open, making your task easier as you slowly led him into the living room. You were so familiar with the layout of his apartment — of what had once been your apartment together — that navigating it backward with your eyes closed was an easy feat.

However, the glacial pace that doing so required seemed to be too slow for Nanami’s rapidly thinning patience because he abruptly stopped and dropped his hands to the backs of your thighs, demonstrating his true strength as he easily picked you up.

You broke the kiss to let out a startled cry that was followed by a breathless laugh as you wrapped your arms around his shoulders and your legs around his waist, only to let your head fall back with a sharp inhale when his lips skirted along your jaw to latch into your neck.

Consumed by the sensation of his teeth scraping along your skin, you only realized that you had been carried into the bedroom when you felt Nanami set you down on the edge of the mattress. Your eyelids fluttered open to watch as he knelt on the floor before you, your legs still wrapped around his middle to keep him close.

You found yourself frozen when you saw how reverently he was looking at you. On his knees before you, his hands holding you so carefully, and his eyes filled with a mixture of lust and awe, it felt like you were being worshipped.

Suddenly, you didn’t feel like a husk of a person, like someone whose sanity and soul were being held together with glue and duct tape.

You felt like someone worthy of being cherished, someone worthy of Nanami’s love.

The feeling left you so dumbstruck that you didn’t realize he was tugging off your shirt until your arms were being lifted as he pulled it over your head before discarding it off to the side. Your bra followed soon after and your nipples immediately pebbled from both the cool temperature of the room and the heat of his gaze.

He dipped his head down to lavish your neck with attention, your eyes closing as his lips traced the path between the stinging bites that he had just left behind. A soft cry left you when he filled his hands with your breasts, rolling your nipples between his fingers. You arched into his touch as your head dropped back, wordlessly begging for more.

He slid one of his hands down your torso and around your back to rest between your shoulder blades, his strong hold supporting you as he lowered you down until you were laid flat on the bed. You opened your eyes to look up at the ceiling, only to close them a moment later as you sharply inhaled when his tongue circled your nipple before his lips closed around the hardened bud.

You whimpered as he gently sucked before pulling off with a soft pop so that he could lavish your other breast with the same attention. Your hips began to buck up from the edge of the mattress, desperate for any sort of stimulation to ease the ache between your legs.

Your need for him combined with how expertly he was toying with your nipples had you growing so wet that it was almost uncomfortable. From the way you could feel the material of your underwear clinging to your folds, you were positive that you had already soaked through them.

Nanami’s hands left behind a scorching trail on your bare skin as they slid down to the waistband of your jeans, his fingers nimbly undoing the button and zipper. Without needing to be told, you lifted yourself up to make room for him as he tugged both your jeans and your underwear from your hips so that they could join your shirt and bra on the floor.

He quickly settled back between your legs, his lips leaving a trail of wet kisses from your breasts in a straight line down your torso. The lower he got — pausing as he reached your navel to dip his tongue in your belly button and smiling against your skin at the soft giggle he received in response to the ticklish sensation — the tighter your legs squeezed his middle.

As you felt the fabric of his shirt rubbing against the sensitive skin of your inner thighs, it suddenly hit you that you were completely naked for him before he had even untucked his shirt. In the back of your mind, you couldn’t help but wonder if there was a wet patch on the material from where he was pressed so intimately against your dewy center.

The thought was quickly forgotten when his lips left your skin just before your legs were tossed over his shoulders. You looked down your body and your pussy clenched around nothing at the sight that met you — Nanami’s head dipping down between your thighs, his large hands holding onto your hips, and his hungry eyes looking back up at you.

The deep breath you took in anticipation was useless as it escaped you the instant you felt his tongue lick a stripe up your folds from the very bottom to the top.

You softly cried out as your head dropped back to the bed, your eyelids falling shut as you savored having his talented mouth on your cunt for the first time in over a month. Your own fingers were a poor substitute on all of those nights spent alone, separated from Nanami by hundreds of miles.

He pressed a kiss to your clit before he wrapped his plush lips around the sensitive bundle of nerves. Your hands found their way into his hair, leaving it fully disheveled and sticking up at odd angles as your fingers tightly tugged on his strands with every gentle suck he gave.

His hand slid up from where it was cradling your hip and along your sweat-slicked skin until he was covering your breasts. One of your own hands released its hold on his hair to cover it, interlacing your fingers with his as you encouraged him to squeeze.

The rhythm of your undulating hips was guided by the large hand he had moved to your lower back, timing each smooth roll to meet his lips with every suck. Your thighs tightened around his head as you felt the pleasure growing, pulling you closer and closer to the edge with every soft moan and gasp that you let out.

But it was growing to be too much. You were approaching the point of no return and if he continued then you wouldn’t be able to hold back your orgasm. You desperately began to squirm in his hold, tugging on his hair to stop him rather than spur him on.

“K-Kento, wait,” you panted, sounding like you wanted anything but for him to wait. “Gonna, ah! Gonna come, oh fuck.”

Your protests only seemed to encourage him, his sucks and the flicks of his tongue growing more purposeful. The wet sounds of his lips and tongue and mouth on your cunt only turned you on more as they filled your ears.

“Wait, wanna…wanna…” you tried to get out but the haze of pleasure was becoming too thick for you to see through. “Wanna come on your cock.”

You could feel his smirk against you and his lips finally released your clit, but not before giving it a slow lick with the flat of his tongue. Your pussy immediately protested at the loss of his mouth, your walls clenching in need.

“Don’t worry. You will,” he assured you, his voice deep and full of sin. His breath was hot against your folds, which were soaked from both your arousal and his saliva. “But first, you’re going to come on my tongue.”

He didn’t give his words a moment to linger before he dove back in, using his hand on your lower back to hold you close as his mouth picked up speed. Your legs began to shake over his shoulders and your toes tightly curled.

As you desperately looked for something to keep you grounded, your grip on his hair grew so tight that you were almost positive you were going to yank some of the sand-colored strands right from his head. Your hold on his hand that was covering your breast had turned into a death grip.

All it took was one more suck of his talented lips for you to cry out his name as the tension in your body snapped. Your hips jerked against his mouth and your walls spasmed, a white-hot pleasure rushing through you to the tips of your nerve endings.

He continued to lap at your cunt with long, slow licks — making sure to avoid your sensitive clit — as you slowly came down from your orgasm until he had fully cleaned the mess between your legs. When your shaky fingers finally let go of his hair, he turned his head and pressed a gentle kiss to your inner thigh before sitting up.

He carefully slid your legs from his shoulders and they fell limply off the edge of the bed. When he lifted his hand from your breast, he placed a kiss on your knuckles before letting your hand drop onto your stomach.

Your chest was heaving as you panted for air, the aftershocks of your orgasm still running through your body. You were in such a daze that you could do nothing but watch through half-lidded eyes as he stood up and began to unbutton his shirt.

As each undone button revealed more and more skin, you felt your hunger beginning to build all over again. Despite your recent orgasm, you weren’t nearly sated enough. You wouldn’t be until he fucked you properly. When the fabric finally fell from his broad shoulders down to the floor, your gaze greedily traced every line of his muscled torso.

His pants were next, his boxer briefs following soon after, and your breath caught in your throat at the sight of him standing before you completely nude, his cock hard between his legs and curving upwards toward his toned abs. You could feel your mouth salivating, eager to wrap your lips around him and sink down his shaft until your nose was pressed against his skin and the head was touching the back of your throat.

But Nanami had something different in mind because he dropped a knee on the bed beside you before leaning down and wrapping his arm around your middle. Effortlessly, he moved you further up the bed as he climbed into it until you were laid out right in the center of the mattress.

His form hovered over you and he leaned in to kiss you. His tongue slowly slid against yours and you savored the taste of yourself on his lips. You brought up a hand to push his mussed hair back from his forehead, only for the strands to fall back into his face the moment your fingers moved down to caress his cheek.

His lips were pulling away from yours all too soon for your liking and you pouted up at him when he moved off of you. The easy smile that appeared on his face at your reaction soothed your irritation, a playful smile of your own tugging at the corners of your lips.

And suddenly, for the first time in years, you felt your age. All of the weariness and pain faded away. You didn’t feel like you were so brittle that your soul was chipping away bit by bit until soon there would be nothing left.

No, you felt like someone in their mid-twenties who was spending an intimate night with the person they loved. Your heart felt light.

Eager to take advantage of this newfound clarity, you rolled over and crawled onto your knees as Nanami sat down next to you. His arm wound its way back around your waist to tug you into his lap, one knee on either side of him as your hands found purchase on his shoulders.

You leaned in to teasingly nip at his bottom lip and when a soft rumble of laughter left him, you could tell that he was feeling the exact same way. Unable to help yourself and full of so much love for him, you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him close, your face buried in his hair and his in the crook of your neck.

His own arms returned your embrace, hugging you tightly. Your breathing soon matched his, your chests rising and falling in time together. You could feel his hard cock underneath you where you sat in his lap. But despite how much you wanted to slowly sink yourself down on him, you wanted to savor this moment for just a little bit longer.

His nose skimmed along the column of your throat as he lifted his head to plant a soft kiss under your jaw. He took a deep breath before he released it with a contented sigh, giving your waist another squeeze.

“I know how much you need me,” he murmured, his lips moving against your skin with each word he spoke. “But, I just hope you know how much I need you, too.”

You leaned back slightly in his hold so that you could look down at him, your eyes filled with pure adoration as your hands moved to cradle his face.

“You have me, Kento. All of me,” you assured him with a soft shake of your head, as if thinking otherwise was absurd. You then pressed your smiling lips to his and gave a purposeful roll of your hips, the glide of your wet cunt along his shaft emphasizing your words.

His hands quickly fell to your hips so that he could take control of the rhythm, his strong hold on you moving you back and forth on his length in a steady motion. Your soft and loving smile began to fade as your lips parted and something hungrier took its place.

White-hot, burning sparks of arousal shot through you each time your slippery, puffy clit rubbed against the veins and ridges of his shaft. It didn’t take long to have you panting against him, your fingernails digging desperately into his broad shoulders. Your eyes never left his and you could see how dark they were growing with every wet, lewd sound of his thick cock sliding through your drenched folds.

“Please, Kento,” you shakily breathed when you couldn’t take it any longer, your walls aching in need to clench down on something, on anything.

Relief flooded through you when he brought you to a stop. Finally, you were going to get what you had been craving all evening.

Except, instead of reaching between you so that he could guide himself to your entrance, he raised you up so that you were sitting on your knees. You couldn’t hold back the noise of disappointment that escaped you, making Nanami chuckle in response.

“Soon, I promise,” he said, cutting off the protest before it could leave your tongue. “I need to get you ready first.”

“I am ready,” you pouted, leaning in to give him a hungry kiss only to pull away with a sharp gasp when he suddenly buried two of his fingers inside of you.

“You’re not,” he argued before he pressed a wet kiss to your throat and you could feel him smiling with amusement against your skin. “You feel that?”

He dragged his fingers out of you before slowly pushing them back in, meeting resistance as your walls instinctively clamped down on them with a whimper.

“You’re tight,” he continued, the last word coming out as barely more than a growl as he scissored his fingers inside of you.

“Please,” you repeated, the unattractive whine in your tone causing him to softly snort in amusement, his released puff of air hot on your skin. He sped up the pace, moving his fingers in and out of you more quickly with each thrust before adding a third.

You moved your hands from his shoulders to his face, guiding his lips back to yours and moaning softly against them every time his fingers sank inside of you down to the knuckles.

“I’m ready,” you murmured between messy kisses. “O-oh, I promise I’m ready, Kento.”

He seemed to finally agree because the next time he pulled his fingers back, he removed them from you entirely. Your pussy was immediately aching from the loss, but you knew something better was coming and it only had you leaking more onto his slick cock underneath you.

He brought the three shining fingers that had just been knuckle-deep inside of your cunt up to his lips so that he could suck them clean of your arousal. His eyes remained fixed on yours, his gaze unwavering and filled with promise. You found yourself beginning to pant all over again and your tongue unconsciously darted out to sweep along your bottom lip.

His eyes dropped down slightly to follow the pink muscle and when it disappeared back into your mouth, he brought his thumb up to your bottom lip so that he could drag it down slightly. Your tongue peeked back out to lick at the pad of his thumb where it was resting on your lip.

You then tilted your head down so that you could wrap your lips around his finger, swirling your tongue around it before sucking softly. You looked back at him through your lashes and you could feel his cock twitch underneath you.

Keeping your gaze on his, you reached one hand down and wrapped it around his hard cock, making his breath hitch at the sensation. You guided him right where you wanted him, where you needed him.

You let his thumb fall from your mouth and rested your forehead against his before you slowly sank yourself down onto him, pausing once his fat head was just past your entrance. His eyes closed and the deep groan that left him combined with how full you felt had you quietly keening as you laced your arms around his neck to hold him close.

He slid his hand between your bodies so that he could slowly circle your clit with his thumb that was still slick with your saliva. The smooth, light strokes around your swollen bud were only aided by your own arousal that continued to leak out around his cock as you slid down another few inches before pausing again.

“How’s it feel?” he asked as he ran his free hand in a soothing line up and down your spine.

“S-So good,” you mumbled before giving him another needy kiss, savoring the burning stretch as he slowly speared your walls apart.

You opened your eyes just as you took the remaining inches of his hard, heavy length to see that he was already looking at you. His gaze was so heated that it almost rivaled the feeling of your hips flush with his, his cock fully seated deep inside of your pussy.

As you sat there in his lap, your forehead against his, your gazes locked, him buried so intimately in you that you almost felt too full, his thumb still slowly rubbing your clit, your chest rising and falling perfectly in time with his as you both panted for air, you felt completely whole.

All of your decisions and choices, everything that had happened in life whether good or bad, it felt like every single one of them had brought you here — to him.

The thought had you softly smiling.

But you didn’t have long to dwell on the sentiment because Nanami slid his hands down to your legs where they were straddling him. He grabbed them and readjusted your position, spreading them before curling them to wrap around his hips.

You gasped sharply and your walls instinctively clamped down around him, pulling another low groan from him. He crossed his ankles just behind your ass and once he had you seated exactly how he wanted you, he let his hips slowly grind against yours.

The light stimulation to your clit as his cock moved inside of you had you immediately craving more. But when you tried to roll your hips, his hands gripped tightly onto your hips to keep you in place.

“Just stay,” he quietly told you and you let out an impatient whine as you tried in vain to shake off his strong, unrelenting hold. “Just feel it.”

“Kento,” you pleaded, his name nothing more than a whine as it left your lips. You squirmed in his lap and your walls clenched down when it caused his cock to nudge against your g-spot.

“Just feel it,” he repeated through a grunt, continuing to run his hand up and down your spine. “I want you to feel that it’s me inside of you, that it’s my cock that you’re sitting on. I want you to always remember what this feels like.”

His words had your walls fluttering around him once more, making him tense beneath you briefly.

“How could I ever forget?” you asked with a soft smile before leaning in to kiss him.

When you pulled back and saw how hungry he looked, you relented and did just as he asked. Slowly, you let your body relax, letting yourself just feel how intimate this position was and how perfectly he fit inside of you.

Suddenly, you let out a breathless laugh.

“What?” he asked as he pressed a lingering kiss to your smiling lips and you shook your head.

“It’s nothing.”

He raised an eyebrow and you could see a hint of amusement underneath the raw lust in his eyes.

“If you’re laughing then clearly I’m not doing something right,” he teased, nipping at your bottom lip again. You couldn’t contain another quiet giggle, which turned into a soft moan when his thumb lightly dragged the hood of your clit up and down.

“It’s nothing,” you repeated. “It’s just, I always get nostalgia from this position.”

The faint humor seemed to disappear from his expression as something more meaningful took its place.

“This is how it was our first time together,” you breathed, affectionately nudging his nose with yours.

Instinctively, you lifted your hand and rested your palm on his firm chest, right over his heart, before activating your cursed technique. You reached out with your cursed energy to embrace him completely only to be swept away as his warmth and his love washed over you.

This moment felt sacred — the two of you connected as intimately as two people could ever be with him buried inside of you while your souls were intertwined.

Looking up from his soul, you met his gaze once more with eyes that were wet and shining in the golden light of your cursed energy. With your free hand, you gently smoothed his hair behind his ear as an adoring smile played on your lips.

You couldn’t help but reflect back on the past, memories beginning to surface as you navigated your own soul and focused in on the large, jagged crack running through its center — the crack that had been repaired using pieces of Nanami’s soul.

At the time, the crack had been so deep that it threatened to shatter the rest of your soul and your sanity along with it. And as a drunk, broken mess with nowhere else left to turn, you had ended up in Nanami’s care.

You had been drowning in an ocean of grief and Nanami had rescued you. Despite not having seen each other in the years since he had left the jujutsu world behind, he watched over you, took care of you, and nursed you back to health without question.

And when you had finally told him through your tears what had happened, how you hadn’t been able to protect your younger brother, how you had failed him, how you now were the last of your clan, how you were alone, he had sat there with you in the dark, holding you close and assuring you that so long as he was around, you would never be alone.

He had given you everything — a place in his home and his life, his time and his love, and even pieces of his soul when you had admitted that your own was too damaged and tainted to properly repair the cracks that were spreading.

“You’re part of my soul, Kento,” you murmured, shaking off your memories and focusing on the here and now, aching for him in every way.

There was a wet sheen to Nanami’s eyes and once again you felt like you were being worshipped, like he was giving his thanks to the gods for allowing him to be blessed with your love.

“You’re part of me,” you breathed as you leaned in to gently brush your lips against his. But he was quick to lift his hand and cup your jaw, turning the kiss into something hungrier and your cursed technique deactivated, plunging the bedroom back into darkness as his need for you consumed you.

And then finally he rolled his hips into yours, stoking the fire burning deep inside of you and causing it to spread throughout your body all the way to the tips of your fingers and toes. You broke away from his lips to cry out in pleasure, your head falling back at just how good the grind of his cock felt as he rocked his hips against yours.

Your hands dropped down to the bed behind you and you rested back on them, letting the strong arm that he still had wrapped around your waist help support you. He brought his free hand to your ass, guiding you forward and encouraging you to move your hips with his.

“Fuck, how are you still so tight?” he asked through clenched teeth before nipping at the exposed column of your throat and you let out a breathless laugh.

“It’s because I don’t get your cock enough when I’m at home,” you teased, only to be cut off by a sharp gasp as he leaned in and took one of your nipples in his mouth, his smirking lips wrapping tight around the pebbled bud. Without thinking, you lifted one hand up from the bed to bury it in his messy hair, pressing his face further into your breast.

With your eyes closed and your head tossed back, you missed the smoldering look in his eyes as he took in your every reaction, refusing to let a single one slip his notice. He wanted this moment burned into his memory so that he could revisit it whenever he wanted during the long stretches of time that he was forced to spend apart from you.

It didn’t take long for him to hit a mind-numbing rhythm, his hips moving perfectly in time with yours. His cock dragged right over your g-spot with each thrust and it wasn’t long before you were left a panting, sweaty mess in his arms. Your ears were filled with the low grunts he was making, which were only interrupted by the praise he was groaning into your skin where his face was buried between your tits.

“You’re taking me so well. Shit. You always take me so well.” He punctuated his words by licking a stripe between your tits and the feeling of his hot, wet tongue on your skin had you keening in his lap.

“Kento, y-you’re so big,” you mewled, using every ounce of strength you had to sit up so that you could drape your arms over his shoulders. Your fingers tugged desperately at his hair as you pulled his face to yours, your forehead resting against his as you whimpered and moaned against his lips. “O-oh, feels so good.”

He moved his hand from your ass and slipped it between your bodies, taking a brief detour to grab one of your breasts and give it a firm squeeze before dipping down and finding your wet, swollen clit. The rhythm of his hips never faltered, fucking deeply into you as his thumb stroked the slippery bundle of nerves.

“You don’t know how much I think about this when you’re gone. Fuck,” he panted as he eagerly drank in every cry that left you, only to find himself greedy for more. “How much I think about your tits. How much I think about, ah, your tight fucking pussy.”

Each sinful word and each grind of his cock on your g-spot and every circle traced around your clit pushed you closer and closer to the edge, the roll of your hips growing frantic.

“Kento,” you repeated, his name both a prayer and a plea on your lips. “I-I’m close. I’m s-so close.”

“You’re gonna come for me?” he asked through the needy kisses you were pressing to his lips and you could only nod as you clutched onto him like he was a lifeline. “Y-yeah? Fuck. Fuck. You gonna come for me?”

“Mmhmm, o-oh,” you answered, so wrapped up in every sensation and the climax you could feel just within reach that you were unable to string two coherent words together.

“I promised, didn’t I?” Through the haze of desire, you opened your eyes to look at him with confusion, unsure what he was talking about. He licked at your lips and you immediately reciprocated, your own tongue darting out to meet his. “I said— I said you’d come on my cock, didn’t I? Shit.”

All you could do was let out a tiny noise of affirmation between your moans, but it seemed to be enough for him as your eyelids fell shut once again.

“Well?” he grunted, fucking into you hard and managing to somehow hit even deeper inside of you. “Come. C’mon. Come on my cock, fuck, just like I told you you would.”

The command alone was enough to make your orgasm rip through you, your hips jerking and your body seizing up as your vision whited out. You could do nothing but claw at his shoulders, the pleasure so overwhelming that it had tears escaping your closed eyes.

In the dark and with how tightly you were wrapped around him, he was unable to see you gushing around him as you came, but he could feel it. He felt the wetness leaking out of your cunt, coating the base of his cock as he continued to thrust in and out of your spasming walls before your cum began to drip down his balls.

It took a superhuman level of self-control to keep him from coming with you. He wanted it to last longer. He wanted to savor it. He didn’t want this moment to end.

His fingers abandoned your overstimulated clit and he wrapped his own arms around you, holding you close and relishing the feeling of your bare tits pressed up against his sweaty chest. He buried his face in your neck, muffling the moans that escaped him as your pussy kept fluttering around him.

“Kento,” you murmured, your voice breathless and light in his ears as you slowly came back to yourself. Your fingers began to gently play with the hair at the nape of his neck and a shiver ran down his spine. “Please, Kento. I want you. I need to feel you. Please, come in me.”

How could he ignore such a beautiful plea? It was his undoing as he buried his cock as deep as he could before he came hard with a low, wrecked moan of your name into your neck. You sharply inhaled at the sensation of him spilling himself inside of you, flooding your cunt with hot spurts of his cum and making you wiggle in his lap.

His breath was hot on your neck as he gasped for air, his shoulders heaving with each pant. It was your turn to run your hand up and down his spine in a soothing motion as you whispered quietly into his ear, repeating over and over how much you loved him.

When he seemed to have recovered, he lifted his head up and sat a little straighter in your hold. He gently took your face in his hands and leaned in to press a kiss to your lips that was so tender and loving, you thought your heart might float away from how light it felt.

You were in a lovestruck daze as he carefully unwound your legs from around his hips before moving you from his lap onto the bed beside him, helping you lay down with a strong arm slung back around your middle. Once he had you comfortably situated, he lowered himself beside you onto his side, propping up his head on one hand as he absently traced shapes on your stomach with the other.

With the way he was looking at you so adoringly, you suddenly found the words that had been lodged in your throat earlier that evening on the tip of your tongue.

“I-I know I said I was only going to stay a few days…” you began, breaking the stillness of the moment and Nanami’s fingers paused in their movements. “But what if I stay for another week or so?”

Your question was rewarded with a smile that slowly stretched across his lips as he looked down at you with soft eyes.

“I would love that,” he quietly replied and you could feel the pure elation rolling off of him in waves, an emotion that he was always so rare to exhibit. His smile then turned slightly playful as he reached for your hand and brought your fingers up to his lips to affectionately kiss the backs of them. “You sure you’re not just cock drunk?”

The bubble of laughter that burst free from you in response warmed his heart. This was how he always wanted to remember you — smiling and satiated and so utterly happy.

When you shook your head, he merely raised an amused eyebrow at you.

“Well, maybe just a little,” you conceded as you began to sit up, pressing a kiss to his smiling lips and enjoying his own huff of laughter.

You then scooted off the bed, purposely ignoring the smears of his cum that you were leaving behind in your wake. On your way to the bathroom, you grabbed his button-up from the floor and slid it on, comforted by the lingering scent of his cologne that clung to the fabric.

You quickly glanced over your shoulder and when you saw the way Nanami was watching you like he was almost in some sort of trance, you gave him a quick wink. His low chuckle rang in your ears as you turned on the bathroom light and shut the door behind you.

You made quick work of cleaning up the mess between your legs, eager to rejoin Nanami in bed. However, as you finished washing your hands and turned off the faucet, you found yourself distracted as you took a moment to look at the countertop.

Lined up in a neat array were all of the skincare products that you regularly used — a tube of the facewash you used in the morning as well another one that you used at night, a bottle of face toner next to the two jars of moisturizer that you used, even your same brand of vitamin C serum and facial sunscreen.

You quickly dried your hands on a hand towel before picking up one of the moisturizers. You ran your thumb over the label and took note of the tamper-proof seal that was still wrapped around the lid. You glanced at the rest of the products and saw that they hadn’t been opened either.

These were all brand new.

Your eyes began to sting and you quickly blinked, trying to fight off any tears before they could form. You bit down on your bottom lip as you looked over the jar in your hand, smiling softly as you did so.

Nanami had taken the time to go out and buy all of these so that they would be waiting for you when you arrived. He hadn’t even needed to ask about any of them. It was just another reminder that he knew you in every single way.

You sniffled quietly as you set the jar perfectly back in its place and your smile grew as you took in the sight of all of your toiletries sitting so neatly next to his. There was even an opened toothbrush set off to the side for you.

The entire display implied routine and intimacy. This was the countertop of two people who shared their lives. And it was a physical reminder that even though you were living apart — Nanami here in Tokyo and you in Ishikawa — there would always be space for you in his home and his life.

With one last fond look at the bottles and jars, you hit the light switch and made your way back to Nanami. In your absence, he had tossed the duvet with its new wet spot carelessly onto the floor. He was sitting with his back against the headboard, a pair of navy sweatpants slung low across his hips and his hands patiently folded in his lap as he waited for you.

Once you were seated beside him, he moved to lay down, curling on his side and resting his head in your lap. Instinctively, you began to card your fingers through his hair, smoothing back his messy strands as he leaned into your touch with closed eyes.

“We left the mugs outside,” you suddenly pointed out and the corner of his lip quirked upward.

“I’ll get them tomorrow.”

You playfully flicked his ear and he peeked open an eye to look at you.

“You didn’t even touch the tea that I worked so hard to make you,” you whined with an exaggerated pout that had him chuckling into your lap. He then turned his head so that he could press a wet, lingering kiss to the top of your bare thigh.

“I think I can make it up to you,” he said, his tone dry but still laced with amusement.

Another comfortable silence settled over the two of you. You continued to run your fingers through his hair, your nails gently scratching his scalp as they went, and eventually his breathing began to slow.

You thought he was on the verge of falling asleep when he turned onto his back so that he could look directly up at you. You lifted your hand up but he simply took it in his and held it to his chest, right over his heart.

“I had an appointment with a real estate agent,” he said. You were caught off guard by the sudden statement as well as the imploring look he was giving you. “I asked him to show me some spaces that could be used for a studio.”

Your eyes went wide and you could only blink at him dumbly. There was only one reason why Nanami would ever need studio space — for you.

“Remember when I came to visit you in April?” he continued and the shift in topic only left you feeling confused once again. It was unusual for Nanami to be so indirect about something. “Remember what we talked about?”

Your expression softened as you finally began to understand where all of this was going and why he was being so cautious in addressing it.

Of course you remembered his visit.

You could clearly remember how the two of you had sat together beneath the sakura tree in the garden. The cherry blossoms had been in bloom, providing a beautiful setting for the long conversation the two of you had.

It had been one of the rare times that you had allowed yourself to lay everything bare — all of your fears and vulnerabilities and wants and dreams. You had talked about your future, your future together.

And you had confided in him about how conflicted you were over giving up your surname, your clan’s name. There was something so tempting about taking someone else’s name, Nanami’s name, and letting your clan die with a simple marriage certificate, knowing how furious it would make the higher-ups who had always felt the need to involve themselves in your clan’s survival.

Only, you also knew that you would be letting down every member of your clan who had come before you if you did so.

Through tears, you had confessed to him that the burden of being the last of your clan was so heavy that you felt like you were constantly on the verge of being crushed underneath it.

But somehow, Nanami always knew what to say to alleviate your pain. Because he had lifted up a hand to cup your cheek and pressed his forehead to yours before simply telling you, “I’ll take your name.”

Those four words had felt like an extended hand, offering you safety and shelter from the trauma that was always on the verge of consuming you.

“Then you won’t be the last. There will be two of us,” he had promised. “I’ll carry the burden with you.”

You swallowed the lump in your throat as you looked down at him in your lap, resituating yourself back in the present.

“Y-yeah, I remember,” you finally rasped.

You could see something slightly desperate beginning to appear in his eyes and you realized that he was growing worried that he was going to scare you off by broaching the topic. The thought made you briefly frown. You wanted him to be happy, just like had been only a few minutes earlier.

Trying to comfort him, you leaned down and pressed your lips to his forehead. You hoped that the soothing kiss conveyed everything that you were feeling as you lovingly squeezed his fingers that were intertwined with yours on his chest.

“Yeah, I remember,” you repeated when you sat back up, sounding much more assured this time around. Relief washed through you when you saw his own trepidation beginning to recede.

“I’m tired of watching you suffer,” he murmured, his eyes kind and patient as he looked up at you. “I think it’s time to stop punishing yourself for being the one who survived. You don’t need to keep all of that pain and anger tied around your neck. You can start letting some of it go.”

Your vision began to blur and you quickly closed your eyes, knowing that you would be unable to blink away the tears that were rapidly forming. You dropped your forehead down to press against his and he released your hand so that he could bring it up and rest it on the back of your head, its weight a comfort.

“...I-I don’t know how,” you finally managed to fearfully confess.

“I’ll help you.”

The words left his lips without hesitation and it was just so like him that you couldn’t help but let out a soft, wet laugh.

“You’ll help me?” you asked, your voice cracking slightly even as a smile pulled at your lips against your will.

“Always,” he replied simply, leaving no room for argument.

You lifted your head with a small sniffle and his hand dropped down, gently brushing away the tears brimming your eyes before he let it fall away completely. You began to once again lovingly smooth his messy hair away from his forehead as you reflected on what he had said.

“Why don’t you take a couple of weeks off over the holidays when you come to visit me?” you eventually asked, a hint of nervousness in your tone about the big step you were about to take. “This way we can spend a little bit longer together.”

He nodded easily and you bit your bottom lip anxiously.

“A-and then, in the new year, maybe I can come back to Tokyo with you?” you continued quietly. “Maybe we can go look at some of those studios together. No promises or anything, but just to get an idea…”

It was a scary offer to make. The idea of spending more time in Tokyo — even if you were far from ready to make the move permanent — was like a needle of fear straight through your heart. But Nanami was looking up at you with so much love and relief and happiness that it dulled the panic. As long as he was beside you, helping you shoulder the burden just as he had promised, maybe you could do it.

Maybe you could finally begin to heal and leave your pain and grief behind.

“I think that sounds great,” he rasped, his voice thick with emotion.

You pressed your softly smiling lips to his in a lazy and languid kiss that left you slightly breathless when you finally broke apart.

“Hmm, maybe I’m still just cock drunk,” you mused playfully, enjoying the deep and sincere laugh that left him.

“I guess I’ll just need to keep you cock drunk,” he grinned and his playfulness warmed your heart.

“Does that mean you’re ready for round two?” you asked him with a cheeky grin. The hand that was sitting on his chest began to slowly trail a path down his torso toward the waistband of his sweatpants.

When you felt his chest rumble beneath your palm with another low laugh, your smile grew and your eyes began to shine with joy. You could feel a slight buzz of excitement in your stomach as you thought about the future, something that was completely foreign. But just knowing that Nanami would be with you every step of the way left your soul feeling stronger than it had in years.

#nanami kento #nanami kento x reader #nanami kento smut #nanami kento angst #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen smut #jujutsu kaisen angst #jjk #jjk x reader #jjk smut #jjk angst #jjk imagines #jjk fanfic #jujutsu kaisen fanfic #nanami kento fanfic #kintsugi

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ilove-cedricdiggory · 4 years

Text

Moony

Remus x Reader

Part 2

Summary - After you left Remus after telling him about your pregnancy, you're now trying to juggle being pregnant by yourself in a foreign country, along with your three best friends searching for you.

Trigger Warning - Cursing, mentions of abortion, angst, it's longish? I think that's all. Let me know if there's more though.

Italics are letters, Bold is unknown to the readers.

America.

That's the only way you can really describe it. It is, well, America. Some places are incredibly beautiful, some terribly ugly. Some incredibly cold, some unbearably hot. Some busier than Diagon Alley on the day all the kids come to buy their things, some slower than a virgin's bedroom.

You hadn't seen much, especially seeing as how you had only been there for a week, but it was already more than you expected. You expected a stern talking to, you expected a bed rest, you expected a midwife in every thirty minutes, and you definitely expected to have someone at your side every second of the day. But, that wasn't what you got.

Especially seeing as how, your Great Grandpa kicked the rest of your family out of the house before you arrived, not wanting his favorite grandkid to be in an uncomfortable home, especially while she was growing his two great, great grandkids.

He was incredibly wealthy, a pure blood from England gone American. You had been the only one that actively spoke to him and visited him as often as you could while he lived in England. Now, your family was watching the sand fall in his hourglass to see who got the most money from his will. Honestly, though, you could see the man living another 200 years - just to spite them all.

He had taken you out, shown you incredible things, although you were stuck in a stupid state of unbearable heat - Texas. Although, the heat had taken you out of the sweaters that had you crying every time you got a whiff of his scent, and into some beautiful maternity sun dresses. You had already sent 20 pictures to Molly.

You had yet to write to Lily though, but her owls came twice a day, at least. You were starting to worry that she would get on James' broom and follow the owl herself to find you. Her letters really all stayed the same.

Y/n, just tell me where you are. I won't tell Remus, or Sirius. Heck, I won't even tell James. Harry and I will come visit and I'll tell you all about how I beat Remus' arse. Or how James did....Or how Sirius did. But, please, just write me back. I love you. I miss you incredibly.

Then you had

Y/n, come on, you really have me worried. The entire order has heard about what happened and I think they're all freaking out each second like we are. We miss you. You're the ray of Hufflepuff joy we all need, the always Ravenclaw intelligence the boys really need, the absolute Gryffindor bravery in the craziest of situations that the order needs, and the Slytherin strength I need. Please, just write back.

Then, she got help from the boys - or, the ones you would be open to hear from.

Y/n, while I have to be honest, Lily is standing over my shoulder watching me write this, I was going to do it either way. Remus was an absolute arse, I understand that, but we miss you. Lily, Harry and I want nothing more than for you to be home, with us even. You don't have to see him, you really don't. We just want to be here for you through this time, the good and the bad. Please write back.

When that didn't work, you had a howler from Sirius.

Y/n Y/l/n, I swear, if you don't write me back, I'm gonna jump into the paper and send myself! I'm going absolutely crazy watching Lily freak out every day! You're the only one that can calm her, not even James is doing it! You're taking away my precious James time! I fucking miss you - okay? Moony is an absolute dick. He deserved you walking out on him, he really did, but please don't walk out on all of us too. Y/n, we miss you, we really do. Moony isn't even here anymore, he left after we all went to Molly's - Sirius, don't tell her that! - Shit, fuck, how do I scratch that? Uhhh, I didn't say that. Erase! Erase! Lily, how do I erase on a howler? Fuck. Whatever. I'm sure it erased. But, come home. I'll make James make you that surprisingly good chicken he makes and I'm sure Lily would love to give you some old baby momma clothes or whatever the fuck they're called. I just - we just - no, I miss you, okay? Come home.

Your heart broke, not just because Remus was missing, but because your friends were hurt.

You sat down at the table in your guest house, sighing softly. A quill and some parchment sat before you, your hand shaking as you dipped it into the ink.

Lily, James, and Sirius.

While I know I could write a letter to each of you separately, I'm almost positive you're all together, or you're gonna call each other as soon as you get my letter.

I'm okay, I think. Not as okay as I wish I was, I cry a lot. While I wish I could blame it on the hormones, I know it's not. Everything reminds me of him, even here. No, I'm not in England, I'm in the states. I'm staying with some family and I think it's doing me well. At least, I've started to own my pregnancy.

After what Remus said to me, my body broke. I just about hated the fact that I was pregnant. Not my kids, just that I was pregnant. But, with each day, I realize that this pregnancy is the thing I needed most. While I wish I didn't have to say this - it showed me the man Remus is. Does that mean I cry any less? Of course not - you guys know me.

But, I really don't think I can come home, at least not yet. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm to do. I love Remus with every fiber of my being, but how do you love a man that told you to get rid of your own children, the minute he gets home from a mission he could have died from? How do you let him hold you as he feels the two children you both created grow in your belly knowing he hates them?

I'm going to come home eventually, of course I am. And I already promised Molly I'll be back for a visit soon, and you guys are more than welcome to come visit once I teach my family how to properly floo in America - did you know they don't do that here? It's super weird. But, I love you three incredibly. I'm so sorry this has happened. Be safe.

Your heart broke as you debated on writing more, about what your heart was still set on. Remus. Where was he? Where did he go? Had they heard from him? Was he looking for you? But you couldn't bring yourself to ask them.

The owl was sent with their letter, leaving you in the silence once more.

How could you feel so absolutely alone when you had people wanting nothing more than to be with you? Is it what you thought you deserved? They were his friends before they were yours. You felt horrible that they were taking your side. You felt your heart ripping slowly with each beat it made in it's spot in your being. It was like one half of your heart was tied to Remus' and with each beat away from him, it tore you apart - slowly, filling you with excruciating pain.

Five minutes after the letter was sent, you were standing, trying to find a way to busy your mind.

Ten minutes after the letter was sent, you were crouching in the corner, the weight of your predicament pressing down on you so hard, it's like it formed hands and was set on pushing you six feet under without any hole dug for your body.

Twenty minutes after the letter was sent, your body was shaking with it's sobs once more, the loss of not only your spouse, but also the friends you loved almost as much as him.

An hour later, you had fallen asleep on the floor, your mind groggy and your heart tearing with each beat, your conscious hoping to pull you away from the pain your felt in the body that was supposed to be yours - but belonged to the man who seemed to not want you anymore.

It was dark, so incredibly dark. The only thing that was seen was the moon, halfway full in it's wake. The only thing heard was the pads of feet stomping on the ground as they ran. Ran where? Ran why? You could feel the pain in your chest, but it was like it wasn't your own. As you came to a stop, you looked at a building that seemed a familiar kind of unfamiliar - although that didn't really make much sense to you.

Before you realized it, you were slumped over the toilet, letting out the contents of your stomach. One of your hands pulled your hair to one side of your shoulder, keeping it there. But all you could think was how badly you wish it was Remus holding your hair, rubbing your back as he whispered sweet nothings in your ear.

But all that mattered today was to get through it, like any other day.

One day following the motions.

Two days following the motions.

Three, four, five days.

Until your hands were pulled from your face, the skin around your fingers almost chewed to nothing, the warm face of Lily standing before you.

"If I see you bite your fingers one more time, I'm going to hex them to taste like Harry's dirty diapers." She spoke, pulling you up from your spot on the couch.

"Lily - I." You stopped, looking around her to see James, Sirius, and Harry. "How?" You asked, looking back into the eyes of your best friend.

"Your great grandpa is super cool. I think he was getting tired of all the letters we were sending him too and gave us the floo network here to knock you out of whatever it is you're in." Sirius spoke, Harry on his shoulders, pulling at his hair.

"You guys-" You were cut off with Lily pulling you into her hold, her larger belly pressed against yours as you both attempted to properly hug one another.

"I have missed you, so much" Her voice was soft, uncommon for Lily. Her hands held you tightly, almost like she was holding onto you to make sure you didn't disappear once more.

"Come on Lils, other people missed her too." Sirius spoke to cause her to pull away and glare at the man. "If you weren't holding onto my kid, I'd have hexed you so hard for that." She said, moving to grab Harry from his shoulders as James wrapped you up in a hug himself.

"If we hadn't seen you for another day, I think Lily was going to fly off on my broom." He said, causing you to laugh at your own prediction.

You finally got to Sirius, his arms holding you tighter than the two. "I'm sorry." He mumbled, his hold growing tighter. "What are you sorry for, Siri?" You asked him, pulling away to look into his face.

"What he said, what he did. That's not what you deserved." He mumbled, pushing your hair back a bit. "I swear, I about pounded his face in at Molly's. I think Arthur had to separate me magically." He trailed off, looking at the floor.

His words brought tears to your eyes once more, your heart feeling empty, yet full. "That's not your fault, Sirius. We all knew he didn't want kids, but we weren't careful. I don't know why his reaction surprised me." You were honest with them, having thought this entire thing was truly your fault.

The three of them surrounded you, their eyes narrow with intent. "Y/n, the last thing this is, is your fault. You're his fiancée, not a random person. Either way, those are his kids. He shouldn't have treated you like he did." James spoke with meaning, wanting you to understand each word he spoke.

Somehow, the four of you relaxed enough to find yourself growing to bed. You showed Sirius his room, a place where James and Lily can lay Harry, and then their own room, before finding your way to your own.

You laid in bed, wide awake. You knew what tonight was, the night before the full moon, and knew that Remus was probably out wherever he was, already in pain. Every turn was different, it truly was, but each night before the full moon, his body ached, his bones almost softened, knowing they would be breaking and turning in 24 hours, and his head psyched him out, especially when you weren't there. This was now the third full moon your financé was to handle without you.

You refused to cry, knowing Lily always had a third sense to that stuff, and willed yourself to sleep. But, you laid there.

And laid there.

And laid there some more, until you couldn't handle the quiet, and found yourself moving out of the room and towards Sirius'.

You had slept with Sirius before, each time when Remus was gone and your heart could hardly handle it. Now, the three hearts inside of you couldn't stand the guilt of not being with him.

The door didn't creak when you opened it, none of the floor boards made a sound, but that somehow made it worse. Your feet carried you to the dark haired man, seeing his sleeping frame move, sensing another person there.

His eyes jerked open, coming to look at you as he smiled sadly. "How did I know you'd come in here. Just can't resist the charm, can you?" His voice was deeper, rougher from sleep. It calmed you, but never like Remus' did. You waddled closer to the man, his arms opening for you as you crawled into him.

You both laid in silence, but awake now, as you took in the moment.

"I miss him, Siri. I know I shouldn't, I know I should hate him, but my entire being misses him." Your voice was softer than his was, much softer, but it wasn't because you were afraid of him, but because you were afraid of your own truth.

"I know you do. I know he misses you too. You guys are kinda like Lily and James, meant to be. He's just, an absolute git for this." His fingers worked in your hair, rubbing your scalp and causing your eyes to close in comfort.

"I thought we were meant to be too. But, he doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't want us." At that, Sirius rested a hand at your bump, this being the first touch they really had beside your own. "He does, he's just stupid and scared. Either way, you have us. Aunt Lily, Uncle James, and, the absolute best uncle in the world, Uncle Siri. We've got you." His sensere words lulled you to sleep, a sleep where you felt safe and happy falling into.

You were running again, but it didn't feel like you were in danger. It felt like you were running to run, really. Which, was something you did not do. You weren't in the woods, but you didn't know where you were. All you did know is that you were still scared. Absolutely, bone crushingly scared.

With each step you took, the fear grew. How could you possibly be this scared? You were looking for something, but you didn't know what. You were shaking, but from both the cold and the fear. You were shaking. Shaking. Shaking

Shaking. "Y/n, wake up!" Sirius was looking down at you, his eyes full of excitement. "Your great grandpa is showing us the American version of Diagon Alley today!" You smiled up at him, nodding.

"Okay, okay, let me get changed."

The four of you had left your Grandpa once he settled himself down to play some wizards chess, waving you off.

"You know where the house is when you're done, I've got a title to keep."

You wandered through stores, showing them the few things you had learned so far about the wizarding world here. The four of you had just walked into their version of Flourish and Blotts when you were stopped by an older couple. "Oh, you both look absolutely wonderful! I remember when I was that pregnant. How far are you both?" she was smiling at you and Lily, growing closer to you.

"I'm due in about a week and a half. We already have one, Harry, who's staying with her family." She had pointed to you, smiling at the older woman. "Oh, I'd expect you to be due any day now. Seconds always come early and you look family dropped. What about you dear?" She had looked to you, glancing at your own belly.

"Oh, I'm only a few months along. Twins." You laughed, your hand resting protectively on your belly. "Awe, that's lovely. You both look radiant. Two amazing father's, I hope?" She now looked at James and Sirius, smiling at them. "Oh, no, I'm not the father. Our best mate is." Sirius spoke, gesturing to you. "Well, I dunno, is he?" He asked, looking at the three of you. "It's complicated." Lily said, smiling.

The older woman nodded, smiling. "I completely understand. I wish you both the best of luck." She bid you all adu, leaving with her husband.

"I can't tell if that was awkward or sweet." James laughed, leading you all to the door to leave.

You all laughed as you walked through the Wizarding space until you and Lily began complaining about the swollen ankles and bloated stomach enough to convince James and Sirius to guide you both home.

As the day turned into night, you now showing your friends the muggle artifacts your grandpa has collected from his move to the states. That was, until Lily groaned in pain.

"Fuck, she was right." The young woman grumbled, clenching her bump. "What do you mean?" James asked, his hand on her back softly. "He's coming early, James. I'm in labor, fuck." She groaned again, tilting her head back at the pain she was feeling for the second time in her life.

"Shit, Sirius, go find some towels. I'll go tell grandpa to write the healer for labor." You spoke, pointing Sirius in the direction of the towels before moving to Lily. "It'll be okay, okay? Everything will be fine." She nodded, gripping your hand tightly as she looked in your eyes. She smiled before groaning once more, a contraction hitting her. "Okay, okay, healer. You guys lay her down." Sirius returned with multiple towels, James and him laying a few out before helping Lily lay down on them.

You turned to waddle out of your home, attempting to get to your grandpa's house as quickly as possible.

Three steps towards his house, you heard a twig snap.

Five steps towards his house, you heard a thud.

Nine steps towards his house, a figure stopped before you, it's frame furry and bent, a growl releasing from his lips.

A werewolf.

How the fuck is a werewolf standing in front of you, in the middle of fucking Texas, in a populated muggle area?

You took a few steps backwards, until it clicked.

The only Werewolf that would spend his full moon looking for you was the same werewolf that has plagued your mind for the past month.

Moony.

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missymurphy1985 · 3 years

Text

Nobody's Perfect (part12)

Warnings - mentions of baby loss / angst / pregnancy

Taglist @queenshelby @margoo0 @being-worthy @peakyscillian @ntmynouis @janelongxox @elenavampire21 @noctvrnalmoth @ysmmsy @cloudofdisney @lauren-raines-x @namelesslosers

"Cillian, you home?" You waddled into your Dublin home after meeting Orla for shopping and a chat in town. Cillian was in his study looking over scripts he'd been sent recently, even though he promised to take a long break from anything work related since Peaky Blinders finished filming months ago. You were nearly 7 months pregnant now, and he didn't want to miss a thing, although he had been a bit off lately, but you put that down to shaking off Tommy Shelby after a tough few months of filming, you knew it took a toll on him.

"Yep." Okay... You wandered into the kitchen and set to work putting things away. You'd bought a steriliser, ordered the pushchair, the Moses basket, cot, nappies were stocking up nicely, baby wipes, you'd made sure you were completely prepared - but you'd done it all with Orla. Cillian had shown interest at the start, but he'd left most of it to you, and you couldn't help but feel like he was losing interest. You couldn't remember the last time you had any kind of intimacy - he was always tired, or he didn't want to hurt the baby..

He walked into the kitchen and put the kettle on. Offering you a decaf coffee, you declined.

"I thought we could plan the nursery this weekend?" You asked as you put the steriliser together.

"You decide y/n, I'm good with whatever you think."

"The cot and Moses basket should be arriving soon..."

"Okay."

"And I bought this today, we're almost ready." You showed him the steriliser and bottles you'd picked up today. He nodded, made his coffee and went back to his study. Your blood was boiling and you couldn't take it anymore.

"For FUCKS sake Cillian...." You were grateful you didn't have neighbours. He turned sharply in the doorway, nearly spilling his coffee down his jeans.

"What?"

"Fucking what?! What?! How about showing an ounce of enthusiasm? Huh? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Nothing, I'm fine? Why are you getting so worked up?"

"Because I'm 7 months pregnant, and I feel like a single mother, that's why!! You don't even hold my hand when we go out anymore! You don't kiss me, and god knows the last time you fucked me! I've bought everything on my own or with your sister, you promised me you were taking a long break and I come home to find you looking over fucking scripts?!"

"I'm gonna put this shit down to your hormones and walk away now..."

"Don't you DARE use my hormones against me! The fuck do you think you are?!" You were crying now, you couldn't help it. "I need some space.. I'm gonna go stay with Orla for a few days..."

"No you're not. I'll go."

"Sorry?"

"I said I'll go. I'll stay with Jamie."

"Who's Jamie?"

"Dornan. We're doing a film together next year."

"I thought you were taking a break??"

"We have an extra mouth to feed, remember?"

"I'm not the one who needs fucking reminding!" He rolled his eyes and went upstairs. Coming back 30 minutes later with a suitcase. He didn't say a word, just headed out the door.

"He's fucking left me!" You were crying to Orla down the phone that evening after she'd called you to see how you were doing. You'd had a few pains earlier that day and she was worried about you, thinking you were massively overdoing it. You were running yourself a bath while talking to her.

"What do you mean he's left you?" You told her what had happened that afternoon and she fell silent in shock.

"I don't think he wants this anymore... Me and the baby, it's like we're just in his way lately..."

"Did he say what why he was so prepared to go? Y/n?" You felt a burning pain in your lower abdomen, knocking the breath out of you.

"Yeah sorry - no he didn't say anything. He's gone to stay with Jamie Dornan, apparently they're doing a movie next year..."

"How are those pains?"

"They're fine, pretty much gone now. I'm gonna take a bath and go to bed, my ankles are like balloons." You were lying but the last thing you needed was anyone around you right now, you just wanted peace and quiet. You said goodbye, and sank into the bubbles, turning your phone off. If he wanted space, you'd give it him.

Opening your eyes the next morning, you rubbed your belly. You could still feel the odd stinging pain in your lower abdomen, and decided to call your midwife to let her know.

Sitting up, you felt a dampness between your legs. Rolling your eyes, you thought you'd maybe wet yourself, this baby liked to use your bladder as a trampoline... But pulling back the covers to go to the bathroom your heart stopped and you screamed.

Blood. Everywhere.

#cillian smut #cillian x fem!reader #cillian murphy #cillian x pregnant reader

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sailtoafarawayland · 3 years

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Alpha/Omega Ficlets - Ch. 5

A collection of all of the small stories and thoughts I have for Alpha!Killian and Omega!Emma. All kinds of fluff, angst, humor, and smut will ensue. Chapters are not following a particular universe, so expect to see varying interpretations. I will rate as an M for what I'm sure will be eventual smut, but individual chapters will range from G up. Check each chapter heading for ratings/relevant tags.

AO3 - FF

Rating: T

Tags: Labor/Delivery, Fluff

A Heart Full of Love

The sound of a key turning in the lock had Emma's head snapping around – the room following – and a pained hiss pressed from between her lips as she scrambled on the bed to face the door. The hurried movement triggered another cramp, but it didn't quite reach her through the fog of fear that someone unwanted was invading a place that was supposed to be safe.

“Emma,” Killian murmured, following her onto the bed and placing his hand cautiously on her arm, “it's alright, love – it's only Brigid. We called her, and she has the key to let herself in, remember?”

“Oh, yeah,” Emma mumbled, blinking away the fog at the edges of her vision and swaying into her mate's presence, “it's hot in here – the window?”

Killian knew better than to ask if she was certain – he'd done that the first time, and it had not gone over well. He nodded, giving her a slight squeeze before backing off their bed, careful not to disturb the mass of blankets that Emma had arranged exactly as she liked.

“No, don't,” she suddenly whined, realizing that asking him to open the window meant he would have to leave her side. “Leave it.”

“We'll let Brigid take care of it, and I'll stay right here, Swan – how about that?”

She hummed her approval, wincing as another cramp rolled down from her abdomen, building as it went and making her back bow and her knees dig into the blanket.

“Emma?” A calm voice called from the entrance, very far from the bedroom. “It's Brigid. Can I come in to see how you're doing?”

“She's in the midst of a contraction,” Killian called back, his blunted wrist and hand massaging her hips as she panted into the blankets, unable to speak. “Give her a moment.”

Emma ignored the actual words and just let the soothing cadence of Killian's voice wash over her, his hand somehow finding exactly the right place to push to relieve the pressure, and his scent wafting from him, thick and comforting as it soothed her frayed nerves and exhausted body.

“I'm good,” she bit out with a sigh when the worst of the pain had passed, “come on in.”

Footsteps sounded across the hardwood and toward the bedroom door. Emma's body tensed and her hair stood on end. Logically, she knew it was Brigid, and that Brigid was safe, but it seemed her primal brain didn't get the message, and she let a low growl rumble in her throat, scooting backwards as she tried to distance herself from the door and also finagle her mate between herself and the intruder.

“Wait just a second, Brigid,” Killian cautioned, shifting fully onto their bed and folding his long legs cross-legged beneath him. He placed himself fully in Emma's line of sight, wrist stroking her arm as his hand brushed her cheek and drew her wide, panicked eyes back to him.

“I'm right here, Emma. I'm not going anywhere, and I won't let anyone through that door that you don't want. Yeah?”

“Shit, I know – it's Brigid,” Emma groaned, willing herself to relax. “I just...god, it's fucking hot in here, Killian.”

“I'm going to tell her to come in, and then she'll get the window. Is that alright?”

No! – her body alarmed, the omega in her wanting no one near but her mate while she was in such a vulnerable state, but her brain knew she really, really didn't want to do this without a professional who would make sure everything was fine.

“Yeah.”

“Come on in,” he called, refusing to let Emma drop her eyes, holding her gaze through his connection as her Alpha while the door opened cautiously and their midwife entered the room. “Can you open the window – Emma's hot.”

“Of course,” the woman nodded, keeping her gaze low and away from Emma's nest on the bed. “I'm just going to sit over here once I take care of that, okay, Emma?”

Emma nodded, a bead of sweat rolling from her forehead and down her nose as she monitored the midwife's movements from where she was resting on the bed on hands and knees. Her hair was swept back into a damp ponytail, the small hairs that framed her face sticking to her flushed skin.

“I'm really hot – like, hotter than during a heat. Is that normal?” she asked, giving her exhausted limbs a break and folding forward so she could lay curled on her side, her head resting on Killian's thigh. It was hot – he seemed to be as hot as her – but somehow, it was perfect.

“That's completely normal,” Brigid reassured her, setting her bag down quietly and pulling the chair into a position where she could see Emma, but Killian was still between them. “Just like during a heat, it's your body's way of encouraging contractions, except instead of only producing slick, the contractions serve to move your pups lower into the birth canal, so they're going to be stronger.”

“No shit,” Emma hissed as another one roared to life, making her arms shake as she shoved herself back onto her hands and knees and leaned into, Killian holding her steadying and rumbling something deep and wordless against her hair as she breathed through it.

Brigid waited until the contraction had passed before she spoke, Emma's body sagging back to the bed while Killian rolled his hand and wrist over her back, soothing her as best he could.

“I'd like to check you and see how everything is progressing, if that's alright with you?”

Emma murmured her consent weakly, but nearly snarled at her mate when he made to give her space, the loss of his body against hers an immediate threat to her comfort and safety – she needed him here, right here.

She couldn't do this without him.

“You can stay right where you are, Killian. I'll just work around the both of you.” Emma's eyes flickered open as their midwife made her way over, gloves already on her hands. “Emma, can I ask you to just swing your right leg open – just like that, perfect – now, just relax. You're going to feel my fingers, okay? I'm going to see how dilated you are and how close your first one is...”

Emma tolerated the feel of the midwife's fingers far better than her scent so close to her nest. It didn't matter that she was a beta, as all midwifes were; right now, everything that wasn't her or Killian was a potential threat to their unborn pups, and her body was tensing with a panicked need to defend her space. Killian's hackles had gone up as well, she'd noticed – his muscles tense where her head rested and a low, warning rumble starting in his chest.

The midwife seemed unfazed, staring at the ceiling with her head tilted to the side as she measured Emma's cervix with her fingers and then withdrew, stepping back slowly and depositing the gloves in the nearby trash. She'd been working with them for the entire pregnancy, and her scent, while not welcome, was familiar, at least. This was a sensitive time for a mated pair, and while some chose to go it alone, it never hurt to have someone who'd seen it all on hand.

“You're doing so well, Emma,” Brigid smiled, already pulling out another pack of sterilized gloves to have at the ready. “You're eight centimeters, and I can feel your first little one at plus-two – so I don't think it will be long before you're going to feel ready to push.”

“How will I know?”

“Right now you're probably feeling a lot of pressure from the head coming down, but when they're ready and you're ready, you'll know – you won't be able to help pushing. So you tell me if you feel that sensation at all – that urge.”

“Is there anything else I can do?” Killian asked, his demeanor relaxing once more as the midwife returned to her post at the edge of the room, well away from their nest. Emma began to struggle to sit up and he shifted, helping bear her weight as she settled back onto her hands and knees, rocking forward as another contraction came on and she groaned through it.

“Just keep doing what you're doing – it's helping. Right now, your glands are working overtime to produce pheromones that are soothing for Emma, triggering the release of endorphins that are helping her manage the pain.”

“This is managed?” Emma growled, biting back words that were more suitable for Killian's line of work than her birthing nest.

“I know, dear,” Brigid commiserated, “but believe me, without a mate, it's much worse. Killian, just let yourself respond to your own instincts, and to Emma's as well. It might not feel like it, but both of you are made to do this – your bodies already know what to do.”

“I'm cold,” Emma muttered, dropping back to the bed and nuzzling at the nearest blanket that smelled reassuringly like her mate, purring as he dragged it over her and rubbed her body through the soft material before placing the back of his hand against her sweaty forehead.

“Are you certain, love – you're burning up...”

A plaintive whine was all he got from beneath the blankets and he looked pleadingly at the midwife.

“All of those extra hormones and pheromones right now are going to leave her a little muddled, that's normal too. Our job is to keep her comfortable,” Brigid reassured him, and then rose and quietly shut the window, the soft thump only making Emma jump minutely beneath the comfort of the blanket.

The minutes between her contractions passed quietly, Killian doing his best to comfort her and respond to her needs as she tried to regain her strength for the next one, but she'd been in early labor since first thing that morning, and it was wearing on her. He rubbed circles into her lower back and made sure some part of him was always within her reach, helping her onto his lap when the pain became too much and she needed the security of burying her face in his neck and drinking in his scent while he held her.

The next contraction barely gave her a break at all, riding on top of the last one as Emma knelt between Killian's spread legs, her arms looped over his back as she hissed out her breaths into his shoulder. Her teeth clamped down around him while he steadied her hips with his hand and stump. She bore down without even realizing, the pressure so great she wasn't sure she'd have been able to stop. Despite the sensation that she was being ripped in two, it was easier like this, breathing in her mate's scent with each panted breath she took.

Easier didn't necessarily mean less painful though, and a scream tore its way free of her as the pressure spiked, breaking through the fog of endorphins. Killian glanced nervously toward the midwife as he held Emma steady, more concerned with making sure his mate was okay than the minor discomfort of Emma's teeth digging into his skin.

“Is it time to push?” Brigid asked, earning an irate snarl from Emma as she hissed through the comedown of the contraction and sagged against Killian.

“Yeah,” Emma finally managed to spit out, the roughness of her voice prompting Killian to reach nearby and snag one of the water bottles they'd left on hand, popping the top and holding it up to her mouth so she could take a small sip. “Definitely.”

“Okay, can I check you again to see if you're fully dilated?”

Emma nodded and Brigid worked quickly, pulling away with a pleased smile and turning her attention to her bag as she got out a few more sterile packs of instruments.

“You're at ten, Emma. You look great, those little ones are ready to get here and meet their parents. Whenever you feel a contraction, I want you to take a deep breath in and bear down with your whole body, okay? Keep pushing as long as you can after it passes, and then take a rest...I'll be right here if you need me.”

“Right,” Emma nodded, the room still swimming as she tipped her chin up to meet Killian's worried gaze, losing herself in the hopeful blue of his eyes.

“You can do this, love,” he murmured, ducking his head and letting his forehead rest against her own, their noses bumping. “I know you can.”

“Love you so much,” she sighed, smiling at the gentle kiss he placed to the top of her head in these last few moments they would have as just the two of them. “They'll be here soon, just a little longer...”

“Aye, you're brilliant, Emma, amazing. I can't wait to meet them.”

The next contraction hit her hard and fast, and the one after that.

Adrenaline burned through Killian as Emma lost her strength and melted into him, needing him to hold her up while she concentrated on pushing, sucking in deep breaths and holding them in as she bore down, her entire body trembling with the effort. When cool wash clothes appeared beside the bed, he laid them on her forehead and neck to cool her, and when she snapped at the cold, he wrapped her upper body in the blankets from their bed and held her. Seeing her in such pain tripped every instinct within him, and his alpha wanted to lash out at the slightest provocation. It took all of his willpower to repress the vicious snarl building in his throat when it was finally time for the midwife to move closer to the bed, Emma's weak cry for help reminding him that the woman was here to help them bring their pups into the world.

Brigid assured him with calm, measured words that everything was progressing as it should, and though it felt like hours, it was a mere ten minutes later that Emma – lying against his chest with her knees drawn up – brought the first of their twins into the world.

“It's a girl,” the midwife crooned, carefully lifting the tiny thing from between Emma's trembling thighs and resting her on her chest.

Killian could only stare in awe. She was impossibly small, a little red bundle of flailing limbs and dark, wispy hair that was slicked to her skin. Tears ran freely down Emma's cheeks as she cradled their first pup, tugging her up to rest against her breast as their little babe tested her lungs with gulping breaths and a hearty shriek that had his hand immediately moving to rest over her little body, covering it in warmth. His chest swelled with a love that his body was too small to hold as he watched his mate nuzzle their firstborn, completely lost in the sight and touch of the being she'd worked to bring into the world.

Brigid worked carefully while Emma was distracted, checking her abdomen for the position of the second and then performing a quick internal exam before declaring it wouldn't be long.

“Do you want the honors, Papa?” she asked, hands busy clamping the umbilical cord that had finally stopped pulsing.

Checking to make certain Emma was content, he eased out of his position and bundled pillows behind her to keep her comfortable. Then, with surprisingly steady fingers, he took the scissors the midwife offered, and severed the cord between the little plastic clamps.

It wasn't long before Emma's body shuddered with the first signs of contractions building once more, and casting wary eyes at the midwife, she whined for Killian, placing their little girl carefully in his arms as she pushed herself back against the headboard and fisted the blankets tightly, preparing for their next little one to arrive. He longed to be at Emma's side, touching her and providing relief, but when he glanced at the tiny thing wrapped in a blanket in his arms, her little, red face peeking up at him blearily as he rocked her, he knew he wouldn't be able to set her down just yet. The mere presence of another person, trusted as the midwife was, had his inner alpha on edge, and he wasn't about to let his daughter out of his sight – but his mate was fierce and their son was impatient, slipping into the world after only a few intense pushes.

The world shifted and settled after that – his heart impossibly full as he watched their two little ones sleeping peacefully against one another in the bassinet resting beside him on the bed. He held Emma through her aftercare, his mate drifting into a much needed sleep on his chest as Brigid carefully examined her and made certain any wounds were tended to. When his son whined in his sleep, making his sister startle and cry, Killian gently rocked the bassinet with his hand and crooned softly, hoping they would both sleep for at least a little while longer so that he didn't have to move and wake Emma. Her weight was a balm to her raw nerves, reminding him that she was fine, their pups were fine, and everything was as it should be.

He knew their nights and days would be long after this, and most likely sleepless, but looking down at the two miracles they'd created and his mate sleeping softly against his chest, he knew he wouldn't have wished for anything else.

Tagging: @donteattheappleshook @justanother-unluckysoul @kmomof4 @the-darkdragonfly @teamhook @zaharadessert @xarandomdreamx @jrob64 @wefoundloveunderthelight @tiganasummertree @pirateprincessofpizza @lfh1226-linda @alexa-fangirl-forever @alifeofdreams @superchocovian @hollyethecurious @caught-in-the-filter @snowbellewells @itsfabianadocarmo @stahlop @karlyfr13s @elizabeethan @rkrbirdgirl @batana54

#Captain Swan #cs fanfic #CS fic #alpha/omega #sailtoafarawayland #Alpha/Beta/Omega dynamics #emma and hook

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duggarsetal · 2 years

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Oh God I hate being this guy I am so sorry in advance. And I’m sorry if I get spicy I swear it’s not meant to be directed at you or any one person in any way. But this stuff has been coming up a lot especially over the last couple of years.

So this is the one area I have some pretty deep issues with, when it comes to fundie snark communities (much as they’ve helped my exvangelical journey, and how deeply appreciative I am of these internet streets that I love to lurk on so dearly). I mean no ill will in any way.

So…I guess I just really encourage y’all to think harder before shitting on homebirth. Necessary disclaimer: I **sincerely revile** Bethy (I’m trans and queer as fuck, need I say more) but…I’m also an obstetrics worker…and let me tell ya how not safe the way the United States corporate medical system can be for someone with a low risk pregnancy and any birth preferences other than “whatever my doctor tells me to do”. Especially if that person is nonwhite, single, queer, disabled, has non-Christian religious preferences, or is on Medicaid (not that any of those things apply to Bethany, but they do matter in the context of what I’m about to say).

The widespread incorrect assumption that homebirth is generally unsafe is one small part of why our hospitals are filled to the gills with people having experiences that range from “didn’t totally suck” to “I will be forever traumatized”. And the hospitals aren’t the issue. The homebirths aren’t the issue. The issue is that many people understand that when they enter the hospital they are (to varying degrees) relinquishing parts of their autonomy - and they’re right. And they don’t want to do that. And I can’t blame them! But they feel like they have no options (to be fair, sometimes they really don’t).

Advocating for yourself in hospital can be a really mixed bag, when the person you’re pushing back against is also the one you have to ultimately trust with your and your baby’s lives. That’s a troubling power dynamic as it is, midwife/OB alike . And when you’re in labor, advocating for your preferences (to someone you very likely haven’t met before/have only met a few times in an office visit setting) can be damn near impossible. And most partners are overwhelmed and don’t know how to navigate those moments. And who could blame them! It’s all a LOT and they’ve often never been in that kind of setting before!

So generally speaking, the midwifery model of care for low risk pregnancies allows time to navigate those complexities and build trust. You even usually receive more postpartum visits with homebirth providers (before 6 weeks) and that alone can be critical care - we recently had someone come in with pre-eclampsia that developed 48 hours after her smooth and low risk homebirth. If she’d given birth in our hospital, she would have been discharged and at home by the time her BP started to creep up. She didn’t feel off. But her midwife caught it early and brought her in, avoiding scary complications entirely. With typical OBs and hospital midwives you get a single visit at 6 weeks to make sure you’re superficially healed (so you can do the sex again) and that’s it. Midwifery care is extremely appealing to many people for many different reasons, not just white homeschool moms, I promise!!!

We do not know what type of midwife (credential-wise) is assisting Bethany but…I think it’s worth noting that her last midwife helped her make the call to transfer care to a hospital for a surgical repair with anesthetic. That decision centered her client’s safety and comfort, not the “original plan”. It showed that she isn’t afraid to call in help when needed. As someone who attends births primarily in hospital and who has QUITE limited insight on that situation - but who has seen a lot of shit? That’s a midwife I think I could trust. Regardless of her politics. And ultimately, Bethany didn’t regret her homebirth. That aligns with what I’ve seen with patients who have received good care. Plenty of folks who I’ve supported who have come in for a transfer of care don’t regret their choices, when they were supported prenatally and through labor by a trusted professional. Most people who are able to make fully informed, fully supported, non-coerced choices in labor do not regret them, regardless of the outcome. So I guess the nut of it is that while I think most folks do understand that birth is unpredictable…they don’t understand that intervening unnecessarily or shaming folks for birthing outside of the hospital won’t lower our maternal fetal mortality rates.

The insinuation that birth centers are unique or superior in some way is also misinformed. Birth centers are located either outside of a hospital and overseen by trained midwives (so that means identical risks and costs to a homebirth in literally every way except your risk of delivering in the car increases a bit lol). But can be good for folks whose homes aren’t suited for a homebirth (Nurie and Nathan). Or sometimes, birth centers are adjacent to a hospital. So similar rates of interventions used as a hospital, same rates of no rooms being available when you need one/your provider being busy helping someone else because their patient loads are miles too high, same risk of coercion and loss of control to staff who you didn’t select to support you - you could honestly get a terrified first year resident who doesn’t know their ass from their elbow or someone who’s been there 40 years and still thinks episiotomies are wonderful “helpers” and demand to know why you aren’t having one? It’s a crapshoot.

And to beat whomever is thinking of asking to the punch - I wouldn’t freebirth or feel super great if my partner wanted to (free birth means to birth outside of the hospital WITHOUT trained support, a la Karissa Collins) and if it came up, we would have that conversation like adults with the respectful understanding that the person giving birth gets to make those calls. (But for what it’s worth if my partner ever gave birth she would want alllllll the drugs and we love our hospital midwife.) But shaming someone who does choose to freebirth - especially in the instance that they come into the hospital for assistance during that process - is the fastest way we can make sure that person will never go to a hospital when they need one again. There is no benefit to shaming someone for making the choices they felt were correct for them at the time, especially when the decisions pertain to care and control of their body. If you’re more concerned with risk to the baby than you are about the preferences and needs of the parent, then reconsider calling yourself pro-choice, if that’s an idea you also think that you hold. Pro-choice means you think everyone should be able to choose what their reproductive experiences are and are not. That’s absolutely applicable here, but ADMITTEDLY very uncomfortable to consider.

Ultimately there is no one right way to be pregnant or give birth and we have no way of knowing what the reality of any fundie’s medical charts is. But when a fundie decides to birth at home, suddenly everyone is an expert on third degree repairs and pelvic floor trauma. And that’s weird to me, and has been for years now.

I will never give birth because I’ve seen too much. I prefer to support those braver (or with less second hand trauma) than me. But I swear, most of the truly horrific nightmare moments that I will never be able to wipe from my brain have been courtesy of the words or hands of overworked or undertrained doctors and nurses. Some medical providers are life saving miracles of humanity with incredible experience. Others are just humans, late for their kid’s violin recital and in the middle of a messy divorce, who frankly don’t care what choices you’re making with your own silly little life. Sometimes the former turns into the latter.

Not to say all homebirth midwives are awesome - a lot of them have issues with both boundaries and burn out. There are also quacks in every specialty (the one Jill D trained with seems like she practices really irresponsibly). But there are hospital midwives and OBs who are also very, very troubling in their practices. One OB I know uses baby shampoo to “grease up” his patients’ nether regions as the baby crowns. There is no evidence or data to suggest that this is good or helpful or wise, and yet he’s been doing it for years and none of his colleagues give a shit because it hasn’t killed anyone, or else don’t want to make waves. That is a mild example. The messy, uncomfortable, scary reality is that we have to be really discerning when it comes to our care providers, and to stay vigilant and ask questions. It would be so much easier to say “if you birth in this way, with this type of person, you’ll be safe.” But it would be a lie. The two worst and saddest births I have ever witnessed part or parcel of were entirely different from one another. One was with a senior physician in a new hospital, utilizing intervention after intervention. The other was a transfer of care due to a freebirth that went very wrong. There is no one right way to do things. I really wish there was.

I don’t blame Bethany for her choices but I do think it’s interesting and sad how quickly snarkers jump on these people for making the same choices that queer and trans and Black and undocumented people are making everyday, (for different reasons). I fault fundies for so much (mountains of deprogramming woohoo!) but never for their choices surrounding birth.

Okay, so I get your points

And one thing I want to make clear, is that I am not anti-homebirths

I understand many of the reasons behind the desire for a homebirt - the comfort, the familiarity and the lesser chance of unwanted/unneeded medical interventions.

However, I'm not a fan of needlessly careless homebirths. I may have jumped the gun regarding Bethany specifically, but I know that she did have complications following her previous homebirth. I don't claim to be an expert, but her birth plan does make me nervous. Maybe that's because I'm naturally a nervous person, maybe that's because of the implications that come from Bethany saying "birth is natural" and relying on that, potentially ignoring the risks associated (although I'm not in her mind - I'm basing my assumptions on the way she seems to make her decisions generall), maybe it's something to do with not trusting her decision making process (the way she's going about buying her home, for example, seems very misinformed/uninformed and I'm not sure that she actually has considered it fully).

I suggested a birthing centre since it's something of a hybrid between homebirth and hospital birth. The major thing she seems to have concerns about is unnecessary interventions - and I fully understand that! But you are less likely to have that happen than in a hospital. And you still have access to a hospital should it become necessary, with transfer times being much less than if you're a 45 min drive away.

I think ultimately its that, were I in her position, I'd make different choices.

That doesn't mean I don't want her to have the freedom to make her own choices, but I definitely question the route she's taken to come to those choices, and what she's shared does make me nervous.

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megalony · 3 years

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Teacher’s Pet- Part 18

Here is the latest part of my dad! Ben Hardy series, I know my updates are staggered and slow at the moment but I love this series and am trying to keep updating it when I can. Feedback is always lovely to have.

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Summary: (Y/n) teaches at the school Ben’s boys go to and they soon start a relationship. But they have their ups and downs with the problems Ben faces with his boys and how quickly the relationship progresses.

Enjoy.

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"What the fuck happened?!" Ben's voice echoed around the room the moment he ran in and slammed the bedroom door shut behind him. It felt like the whole room was shaking from his presence that was definitely unnerving to everyone in the house.

His wild eyes scanned around the room, taking in the situation that had been playing on his mind from the moment he got the phone call from Gwilym. He had heard (Y/n)'s agonised sobs down the phone and Gwilym's panicked voice which was a tone Ben never normally heard from his friend. He had barely managed to tell his colleague that he had to leave for an emergency before he had made his way to his car and drove home quicker than he should have.

All the drive back Ben had been praying that this wasn't as bad as it clearly was. He had hoped that (Y/n)'s water hadn't broken and that when he got here she would be calmer and say that she wasn't in as much pain anymore. Or that he could take her to hospital and find out that this wasn't serious and they weren't going to be going into labour eight weeks early.

Ben went down on his knees beside the rocking chair (Y/n) was hunched over in. He scanned his eyes over her, taking in her state that was very worrying to him right now. (Y/n)'s hair was falling out of her ponytail and sticking to her forehead as her skin was prickling with sweat. Her eyes were coming in and out of focus rather a lot and her breathing was hard and laboured in a way Ben had heard many times before. But it was the way she was cradling her stomach that was making his heart clench because he could see how much pain she was in.

"She tripped and blacked out for a few seconds, I think she landed on her stomach but her water's definitely broken and I called the hospital, they said she has to go in straight away." The panic in Gwilym's voice matched the frantic look in his eyes that were darting between Ben, (Y/n) and his phone that was clutched tightly in his hand.

The moment Ben hung up on him Gwilym had rang the hospital to get advice and they were very clear that (Y/n) had to be brought in and assessed straight away. The fact her water had broken didn't definitely mean she was in labour but this was very early to be happening and her water breaking could mean (Y/n) could get an infection. And the added fact she had hurt her stomach meant the baby could be in distress or harmed and that could push labour into happening.

"How badly did you hurt yourself?" Ben's eyes darted back to look at (Y/n) and his voice was a bit softer around the edges. He didn't want her to think he was angry at her in any way but when he panicked like this he got angry and he couldn't help it.

(Y/n) could feel her stomach tensing and her chest quaking as she slowly straightened up so she could pull up her shirt to let Ben see the bruising that was starting to form.

Ben shuffled round so he was in front of (Y/n) rather than at her side but his hands started to shake when he lightly placed them against her stomach. Her skin was very dark red with a tinge of purple adding into the mix and Ben was sure it felt like she was starting to get some swelling. But when his palm pressed a little harder against her stomach (Y/n) winced at the same time Ben felt the baby moving which seemed to make (Y/n)'s pain escalate even more.

"Shit, baby..."

"I'm s-sorry-"

"No! Don't you even say that, this isn't your fault. We're gonna get you help, let's get you in the car and I'll take you to hospital now. Gwil, could you wait with the boys for a bit until I can get my mum to come stay with them? James will be back soon."

Ben ran his fingers through his hair, ruffling the strands and pushing them further back on his head as he tried to think.

James was due home at any time now and someone had to be here when he got back and none of the boys could be left alone. Ben would much rather have Gwilym coming to the hospital with them but he needed someone here with the boys. His mother would have no problem coming to look after them, especially when Ben told her the situation and that she may have to have them overnight if (Y/n) really was going to go into labour. But for now Gwilym was the only person at hand that could look after the boys for them.

"Yeah, yeah that's fine. Right let's get you up then." Gwilym's voice shook as he spoke but he was trying his best to remain calm. He was good with Carter and was fine with settling him because it was very clear that once Carter realised he couldn't go with his parents to hospital he was going to have some sort of meltdown. He was good with Finn who would be panicking and James was fine with Gwilym so it was the best option right now. There was no way Ben could stay home with the boys and let Gwilym take (Y/n) because if (Y/n) went into labour Ben had to be there.

(Y/n) tried to take in a deep breath but it was hard when all she wanted to do was take quick, shallow breaths to get more oxygen round her system. Her watering eyes darted between Ben and Gwilym who both leaned down, ready to try and get her onto her feet.

Gwilym and Ben took one of her hands each and rested their other arms around her waist to support her weight between them, knowing she wouldn't have the strength to stand on her own. They took things slowly, gently pulling (Y/n) up between them but it was clear the moment her left foot was on the ground it was too painful to stand on from how she landed when she fell.

"You okay baby?" Ben leaned his head down to look at (Y/n) properly, knowing she was in a lot of pain with how much pressure she was applying to his hand and how she couldn't even stand up straight. (Y/n) managed to nod her head, biting her lips so hard that she could feel blood welling up in her mouth. "Let's get you to the car."

Gwilym ran his hand up and down (Y/n)'s back as Ben took most of her weight and the three of them slowly started shuffling out of the room. They had all been friends for a long time but Gwilym had never seen (Y/n) in pain and distress like this before and the most panicked he had ever seen Ben was when things took a bad turn with Lucy. This wasn't the kind of situation any of them wanted to be in, when the baby was born it was meant to be surprising but happy and a precious moment. It wasn't supposed to be frightening and catastrohpic with the worry of their baby not being okay.

"I need to s-sit down." (Y/n) buried her face into Ben's chest, tightening her hand around his own as she couldn't surpress a groan from leaving her lips. She couldn't make it down the stairs without stopping and sitting down first because the pain was becoming distressing.

Ben nodded his head, looking to Gwilym before he moved round in front of (Y/n) and went down onto the next step of the stairs. He moved his arms so he was holding (Y/n)'s waist as Gwilym stood behind her keeping her steady and upright before they both helped her to sit down. (Y/n)'s hands dug tightly into Ben's arms as she started to shake the moment she was sat down. The pain started to bolt up her spine and course through her stomach the moment she was sat down but it still felt better than when she was moving.

"I don't want to do this, Ben... w-what if she's not okay?" (Y/n)'s voice trembled and she could barely see Ben through the tears flooding her eyes but she couldn't help the way she was thinking and feeling.

They were nearly two months early, (Y/n) couldn't have their girl now something could go wrong, she would be too small and under-developed. (Y/n) had to wait a few more weeks to make sure their girl would be okay, the hospital would have to delay labour so that everything would be alright.

"She's a Jones, she'll be just fine baby. Both Carter and Finn were born early and they're perfect and she'll be looked after if we do have her now but we don't know if that's gonna happen."

Ben remembered clearly when he'd had all of his boys and it had only been James who was past his due date which had upset Ellie who had been uncomfortable and in pain, wanting the pregnancy to end. Carter had been two weeks early and Finn had been almost four weeks early which had scared everyone. But Finn had only needed to be in ICU for a week and he had no problems before or after that point unlike what they had thought.

"Are you ready to get up?" Gwilym rubbed his hand over (Y/n)'s shoulder, trying to force a smile when she nodded in response.

Ben stayed in front of her, moving down the stairs a bit ahead so he could keep hold of (Y/n) and guide her. Especially in case she tripped or had to sit down then he was there to catch her or help ease her to sit down and Gwilym was behind her so she couldn't fall or hurt herself.

"Alright baby, let's get you to hospital."

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"Is she okay?" (Y/n) sunk her teeth into the skin of her thumb that was pressed between her lips as her eyes switched between focusing on the monitor and the midwife stood next to her. The moment Ben had brought her to A&E someone had come to their rescue and brought them straight through to an examination room.

The nurse they saw had confirmed that (Y/n)'s water had broken, her pulse was very high and she seemed to be going into labour. The next step was to get her into a room and do further tests to see what could be done.

The best outcome the couple were hoping for was that labour could be prevented, but the worst outcome was that labour happened now. They had been told that if the baby didn't seem too distressed and if there were no problems or complications then (Y/n) could be given medication to try and prevent labour from happening and they could wait and see if it stopped. But if any problems were there or there were issues with the baby then either labour would have to happen or a C-section might be needed if it was severe.

Blood tests had been taken, (Y/n) was on an ECG to monitor her pulse and now they were having a scan to check everything with the baby. But (Y/n) couldn't be given any pain medication until all the tests and checks had been completed.

"Well, I can't see any damage done by your fall, the placenta is in tact and hasn't moved and your baby's head isn't lower down meaning she isn't ready to be born just yet."

"So you can prevent labour?" There was a tiny glimmer of hope in Ben's voice as he clasped (Y/n)'s hand in both of his, pressing his lips to her knuckles.

"Her heartbeat is rather high which is what we'd expect after a fall which has caused her some distress but she is relatively fine. But I'd like to wait a few hours before giving you the medication to prevent labour. You've lost a lot of amniotic fluid which will distress her even more, once her heartbeat calms down and we're sure she's stable I think in two or three hours you can have the injection and then we can keep you in for monitoring."

"But her water broke, won't waiting mean we could go into labour?"

"We see this a lot, (Y/n)'s water broke because of the fall, it means her body isn't prepared for labour and the loss of fluid doesn't mean she is in labour yet and she hasn't even started to become dilated which is a very good sign. We can give you some painkillers and the wait will help the baby settle down and then the medication will stop any contractions from happening so labour won't occur. The only problem we will face is keeping you stable for the next few days or weeks with the fluid you've lost. But let's just see how you go with the wait for now."

"Okay, thank you."

When (Y/n) turned to look at Ben he could see the hope sparkling in her eyes as she tightened her hand around his own.

Her body wasn't ready for labour yet and if she got the medication to prevent labour it would stop any contractions and her body would calm down and continue to look after the baby instead of trying to evict her. As long as (Y/n) and the baby calmed down and continued to be stable then everything would swing in their favour.

If it did work, (Y/n) would just have to be very careful and be on bed rest because the lack of ambiotic fluid would make the baby unsettled and also push her body into going into labour.

But right now it was just a waiting game.

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"Okay (Y/n), how are we doing?" Josey walked back into the room, checking her watch before she looked at the couple in front of her with a kind, comforting smile. She had left (Y/n) and Ben for two hours after giving (Y/n) some painkillers and it was time to check on her and the baby and decide what the next step was going to be.

"I feel a bit dizzy but I'm okay."

(Y/n) could feel a headache slowly starting to form behind her eyes and her head was becoming a bit fuzzy and lightheaded but she couldn't tell whether it was from the fall and stress of the day or the medication they had put her on. Either way, the striking pain in her stomach had gone and the baby wasn't wriggling half as much as she had been which she had been told would be a good sign if she settled down.

"That could be the medication but I'll run a few checks just to be safe, but right now let's see how your little lady is getting on."

Ben slowly tangled his fingers with (Y/n)'s as he turned to look at the monitor when Josey set it up. He had been sat on the edge of the bed with (Y/n) for the last half an hour after ringing both his mother, (Y/n)'s mother and then Gwilym to inform them all of what was happening. It looked like for the next day or two Ben was going to be here with (Y/n) and either way she would be in hospital for up to a week at this rate. The boys were going to have to switch between staying at their grandma's house and seeing Ben when he left the hospital for a few hours.

"Has her heartbeat levelled out?" Ben smoothed him thumb over the back of (Y/n)'s hand, smiling at the image on screen of their baby girl.

"I... I'm afraid her heartbeat has increased, it's much higher than it should be and in this situation that is a bad sign."

"C-can't we wait a little longer, see if she settles? Couldn't the medication settle her if I'm not at risk of going into labour anymore?"

"Giving you the medication isn't safe when she's clearly distressed, it could make her state worse. I can't give you any stabalising medication for her either because it's too dangerous and it could case her heartbeat to become too low. (Y/n), the best and only option I think we have right now is to start labour for you. If we wait you are at risk of getting an infection and she's clearly distressed, the lack of fluid will make that worse."

"No... no I can't have her now." (Y/n) shook her head as her lips wobbled even though she tried her best to stop herself from crying but it didn't work.

Her hands started to shake causing Ben to grip her hand tighter in his own as his other hand scratched at his jaw in a harsh motion (Y/n) knew was to try and calm himself down. They had been praying that they could hold off on labour and wait a few days, possibly even a week or more to give their girl her best chance. Being born now wasn't going to help her.

"Your lack of fluid and how distressed she is means you will go into labour within the next day or two but waiting is too risky with her state. I'm going to check and see if you're starting to dilate or not and if not, I'll set everything up to start labour. A natural birth is the best option for you both but it has to start now for both of your sakes."

Josey waited a moment for (Y/n) and Ben to both nod and agree with what she was saying before she busied herself writing a few notes and putting on her gloves before she sat down on the edge of the bed. A sympathetic, sorrowful look came onto her features showing she knew and understood how bad this news was for them but it was their only option.

But the moment Josey moved the cover draped over (Y/n)'s legs, her chest tightened and her eyes darted to look at Ben.

"(Y/n), the dizziness you're having is because you're starting to haemorrhage... you seem to be starting to dilate which is good it means I don't have to start labour for you. I'm going to give you some clotting medication and get a doctor to check you over and stay to assist during labour."

Ben turned his head so he could look between (Y/n)'s legs, torn in two minds because the blood loss didn't seem to be major but any blood loss at this stage wasn't a good thing.

This wasn't going to go smoothly.

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"Okay (Y/n), the legs are born, a few more big pushes and she'll be here." Josey's voice was encouraging and calm but it didn't make (Y/n) feel much better.

Her lower body had gone numb hours ago, her thighs were burning especially since she was sitting on the very edge of the bed with her legs dangling off the edge and her back was pressed into Ben's chest. He was holding onto her like he was afraid she was going to fall forward into Josey who was kneeling in front of them both. It hadn't taken very long for the doctor to sadly tell them that their girl was going to be born breach and that made labour a bit harder. Sitting up in this position was the easiest way to help their girl be born.

Ben pressed his lips to the side of (Y/n)'s head, noticing how her skin was burning up like she was on fire. Josey and a doctor had been here with them for the last seven hours and another midwife had just entered the room ready to help when the baby was born.

They were predicting with how premature she was that she would have to be taken straight down to ICU when she was born.

"Shoulders are born, one more big push for her head (Y/n). We're almost there, just keep doing little breaths for me now."

(Y/n) nodded before she pressed her chin into her chest, biting down on her lip as she let out a scream with the last push. She could tell the exact moment their girl was born, it felt like a sudden weight was dropped from her stomach that seemed to pull her insides down with it. She leaned her head back onto Ben's shoulder, trying to catch her breaths back but it felt like her lungs were collapsing and her insides and stomach were shrivelling up into nothing.

"I-is s... she okay?" (Y/n)'s voice trembled almost as much as her body was shaking from the shock of what she had just done and gone through. It felt like her body was being shaken back and forth like someone was trying to wake her up or violently gain her attention.

But it was clear Ben had dealt with this kind of situation before with the way he started humming in her ear to try and ground her and give her something to focus on. He kept his arms lightly yet firmly wrapped around her middle with his fingers gliding up and down her arm like feathers tickling her skin. He had to keep her calm and try to give her something to focus on so she could forget about the pain and the shock and so she didn't pass out like he was afraid she was going to.

(Y/n) could barely manage to get her eyes to focus enough to look down in front of her legs to see Josey. Her gaze loosely followed Josey's arms passing their baby girl over to the doctor who gave the couple a calming smile before he set to work on their girl.

Her skin was a mix of very light pink and pale grey underneath the blood and fluids coating her fragile body. And her lips were light blue with hints of grey dabbed in between showing she wasn't breathing and didn't have much oxygen in her system. Ben hated how she looked so limp and lifeless in the doctor's arms, she looked like she was made out of jelly and about to flop and fall out of place at any moment.

Even though Josey was trying to focus on (Y/n) and delivering the placenta, her eyes kept flitting back to glance at the doctor to check on the baby.

Ben watched intently as the doctor placed a small tube down his baby girl's throat after checking her pulse which clearly had to be there. Almost instantly, a murky brown, cloggy fluid started to fill the tube and splutter from the newborn's lips. The doctor turned the newborn onto her side before he removed the tube and started rubbing his hand up and down her back to try and clear the fluid from her lungs. But the noise the baby made was something that made Ben shiver and caused (Y/n) to moan in agony.

It sounded like she was drowning.

She was trying to form her first cry, the first sound of her new life but all that came out was a strangled, croaky noise mixed with the spluttering of the fluids leaving her pale lips.

"Lisa, take her down to ICU get her stabalised and cleaned up please." Doctor Mills turned his attention to the other midwife who was on standby to help when the baby was born. She nodded instantly, watching him place the baby into the incubator and fill out a quick form before motioning for her to take the newborn out of the room.

"Ben...?" (Y/n) turned her head a little so she could look up at him, her eyes pleading for him to find out what was happening.

"(Y/n), your baby's okay but she has to go to the intensive care unit straight away. She's tried to breathe whilst still in the womb and inhaled fluids and she's going into a state of shock. Once the nurses have managed to stabalise her and clear her lungs they can get her washed and you can go and see her, the important thing right now is that she's being cared for and now we need to help you."

Doctor Mills was caring and kept his words slow because he could see (Y/n)'s attention was dithering because of the state of shock she was in. But when he knew she understood and accepted what he was saying, he smiled before he looked down at Josey to know (Y/n)'s progress.

"(Y/n), I need you to push again for me, the placenta is nearly delivered then we can get you sorted and settled down, okay?"

(Y/n) nodded but she could barely feel herself pushing before Josey said the placenta was suddenly delivered and she could relax. All (Y/n) wanted to do was lay down and collapse into a state of sleep with Ben at her side but the thought of their baby was preventing her from sleeping. She wanted to see and hold their baby and make sure she was okay. (Y/n) couldn't sleep in case something happened and no one told her. She had to be awake for any news about her baby.

"What's wrong?" Ben looked over at Josey when he could see the worry in her eyes and the metal dish in her hands containing the placenta.

"(Y/n)'s got a retained placenta, it's broken and some of it is still in the womb."

"Okay honey, we need to lay you on your side and give you some medicine to start some more contractions, that placenta piece has to come away quickly." The doctor's voice was calm as was the look in his eyes but Ben knew his words showed that this wasn't the best situation. If the retained piece of placenta stayed in the womb for too long (Y/n) could get an infection and she had already been prone to infections from losing the amniotic fluid before having contractions.

Doctor Mills helped Ben to shuffle off the bed and then move (Y/n) around. They gently turned her before slowly shuffling her further up the bed until her head reached the pillow. Both men carefully held onto (Y/n) and turned her onto her left side so she was facing Ben to help with her blood flow before Doctor Mills moved her legs. Josey got the medication ready and injected it into her stomach ready to start a few more contractions.

(Y/n) didn't hold the strength to keep her eyes open anymore so she just let them close, she could feel her head sinking into the pillow that was making her already fuzzy head feel like it was floating on air.

She could feel Ben's hand tightly holding her own and when a contraction started she could do nothing but moan and squirm, her muscles were pushing and contracting on demand without her having to concentrate anymore. Everything was spinning, (Y/n) just wanted Ben to lie down with her so she could go to sleep and wake up to have this all be some kind of warped nightmare that ended.

"Okay (Y/n), the placenta's delivered now- doctor she's haemorrhaging again."

The moment Josey took the last piece of the placenta and placed it in the dish beside her, it was as if a tap had been switched on and the bedsheets started to turn red instead of white.

"Post-natal haemorrhage in room four, assistance please. Right, (Y/n) honey you just relax now, we'll get you fixed up so you and your partner can rest." Doctor Mills rubbed (Y/n)'s shoulder for a moment to try and calm her down as a team came into the room.

Ben dug his nails into the back of his head, stretching his arms behind him as he backed up against the wall when kindly gestured to move out the way. He watched the five doctors and nurses flutter around (Y/n), seeing them attach an oxygen tube under her nose and around her ears. One nurse started to gently massage her stomach to try and stop the bleeding as doctor Mills gave (Y/n) another injection into her thigh. And another nurse started moving the sheets from beneath (Y/n) to swap them out as Josey started to clean (Y/n) up and check if she needed stitches or not.

Doctor Mills slipped his arms under (Y/n) enough to lean her up so she could throw up into a bowl when she made a slow, weak movement to signal she was going to be sick. Ben also noticed a nurse upping the dosage of painkillers in (Y/n)'s drip to help calm her down and take away any shock and pain she was going through.

It took about ten minutes of getting her meds sorted, making sure she was breathing enough and finding blankets and heat pads before the panic in the room seemed to die down enough for Ben to stop having a panic attack in the corner. He watched them put (Y/n) onto an IV drip and a blood transfusion, keep her laying on her side and check her heartbeat and her oxygen levels before everyone slowly left the room seeing that she was stable now.

Doctor Mills approached Ben when he was certain (Y/n) was out of immediate danger and was now calm and settled.

"Are you okay?"

"Hmm, is (Y/n) gonna be okay?"

"She's lost some blood but the transfusion will help with that and it will stop her from going into shock and she will be happy to know she doesn't need stitches. She needs rest and monitoring but she will be fine. I'm going to go and check on your baby and when she's also stable, I will find you so you can see her."

(Y/n) didn't look alright to Ben, she was too pale, hooked up to too many drips and machines and she was passed out but as long as she was going to be okay then Ben would stop panicking.

He just wanted his girls to be okay.

#ben hardy #ben x reader #ben hardy imagine #dad! ben #pregnant! reader #gwilym lee #gwilym imagine #imagine #BoRhap

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