#what if I liked people but it hurt me physically to try and be perceived

[pickle-wiggler]

I don’t think the introvert/extrovert dichotomy is real because sometimes I need to be alone so bad I want to rip my own skin off and then when I’m alone I feel worse but I can’t muster up the energy to try and talk to a person and when I do life will be beautiful but then I’ll get tired again and the cycle starts once more and where does that put me in this binary world of liking people or not liking people

[moonkissedvisions]

PAC ♡ 𝐂𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐚 𝐦𝐢𝐫𝐫𝐨𝐫: 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐣𝐞𝐜𝐭 ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*˚˖𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒✧˚.🎀༘⋆

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆ please read:

Hey! welcome to another reading. This reading includes the following questions, I drew one card for each of them: -How do you see yourself? -How do you think others see you? -How do you project yourself to others? -How can you improve your projection/image? -Who/How are you, really? Use your own intuition and discernment to read my interpretations. Remember that this is a general reading so not everything has to resonate. This reading was only made for guidance and entertainment, it´s not a replacement for professional advice of any kind. I use a Rider-Waite deck and you can ask me about the cards if they aren´t named in the reading. Check out my other readings at the end of this post and consider liking/reblogging/following if you liked this one.

ʚ♡ɞ Now, look for your pile and hope you enjoy it. ʚ♡ɞ

♡ Pile 1

How do you see yourself?

You see yourself as a joyful person who likes to have fun and juggle many things at once. You view yourself as adaptable, dynamic, and fast-paced. You strive to maintain balance in your life. Perhaps you see yourself as someone who is too agitated, trying to keep everything together but struggling with a bit of messiness. You are worried that you can't always solve every problem or you aren't versatile enough. You are practical and you tend to take too much at once, but you know you are good at that.

How do you think others see you?

You believe that others perceive you as a resilient and strong individual who has gone through many challenges in life. You think they see you as a warrior who can endure any obstacle that comes your way. You also believe that you excel at setting boundaries and people recognize your persistence, ability to push forward, durability, and unwavering stance on important matters.

What do you project?

You project that you are struggling emotionally. maybe you suffered from heartbreak recently and that's why others see you struggling. When you experience heartbreak, loss, or betrayal, it can be difficult to hide the impact it has on you. Often, others can sense that you are not feeling your best. This may be due to your facial expressions, gestures, and body language projecting your sorrow, depression, or grief. However, others may also sense that you possess the strength to endure emotional pain and anguish, and that you have the capacity to cope with difficult times and emotions. Despite the challenging circumstances, they can see that you are getting through it.

How can you improve your image?

To build a positive image, focus on developing self-confidence, optimism, and a sense of self-assurance. Recognize your own strengths, resilience, and determination, and celebrate your successes and progress with others. Cultivate a positive self-image by showcasing your talents, achievements, and skills, and don't be afraid to reward yourself for your hard work. By accepting love and attention from others, you can build strong and supportive relationships that will help you achieve your goals and thrive in life. Remember, with dedication and perseverance, you can create a positive image that reflects your true potential and inspires others to do the same.

Who/How are you?

Whether it's in the present, past or an ongoing experience, you may have encountered a sense of loss, betrayal, heartbreak or any other kind of ending that has left you feeling defeated, physically and mentally exhausted, unable to react, powerless, discouraged, and sad. It's a feeling that things have come to an end and a new beginning is approaching. You may feel resigned to this situation, and it may have taken you by surprise. Someone or something may have hurt you deeply, and you may feel like there is nothing you can do about it. But with time, a new beginning will approach, and you'll be able to start your life anew. ♡

♡ Pile 2

How do you see yourself?

You perceive yourself as someone who is often lost in thought, too absorbed in your mind to notice what is happening around you. Perhaps you are moody, bored, or indifferent. You don't seem to experience gratitude or joy for anything in particular. You may overanalyze things and miss out on opportunities as a result. You see yourself as someone who is introspective and contemplative, but you struggle to feel content or fulfilled. You don't have a passion or feel emotionally connected to anything. You may be stuck in a negative/lack mindset and find it difficult to appreciate what you already have.

How do you think others see you?

You believe that others perceive you as a patient, moderate, balanced, and a calm person. You think that people see you as someone who enjoys going on adventures and embracing all kinds of experiences. Additionally, you think that others view you as open-minded, flexible, and capable of accepting diverse opinions and ways of living. You don't consider yourself as a person who thinks in black and white, but rather as someone who avoids extreme points of view. Perhaps you believe that people see you as someone who is not vengeful, holds no grudges, and is diplomatic and stable.

What do you project?

You exude calmness and balance while projecting emotional intelligence and the ability to empathize with people's feelings. You possess the skills to help others with their emotional problems and have the ability to connect with your own emotions and creativity. People feel heard and understood when they talk to you, and you have a reassuring presence that can comfort and uplift them. You healthily express your emotions and are unafraid of being perceived as sensitive or emotional. You have a strong intuition that enables you to read others' emotions accurately and know when someone needs support. You are a loving, artistic, and magnetic individual who is capable of dreaming big and inspiring others with your creativity and passion.

How can you improve your image?

Be ready to unleash your inner child by embracing your childlike wonder and free-spirited personality. Ignite your adventurous side and discover new horizons with an open and curious mind. Don't let a lack of enthusiasm hold you back - break free from routine and indulge your curiosity. Follow what intrigues you. Get out of your head, and look at the bright side. The key to finding your passion is to approach life with a playful attitude and a desire to explore new ideas. Don't take yourself too seriously and don't worry about making sense of everything. You don't need to get attached to something to find it fun. Work on your fears. As you embrace your journey, you'll inspire others to follow your lead and tap into their own sense of wonder. Let humor be your guide and start smiling more as you uncover all the exciting experiences that await you.

Who/How are you?

You possess a reflective, methodical, and calm personality. You are someone who doesn't rush into things and takes their time to contemplate and evaluate the situation before action. You are careful with your work and like to commit yourself fully to it. You are a perfectionist. Your introspective and composed nature allows you to think through things deeply and come up with practical solutions. You value your work and like to reflect on the outcome, which helps you learn from your experiences and grow. You are intellectually practical and don't take any risks without careful planning. You are a patient, dedicated, and meticulous individual who values quality work and likes to appreaciate the fruits of their labor.

♡ Pile 3

How do you see yourself?

You see yourself as someone who possesses a remarkable collaborative personality that enables you to effortlessly blend the energies and abilities of all team members, resulting in outstanding project outcomes. Your ability to work in teams is a testament to your skill and capability. You are focused, dedicated, and driven to succeed, with a good eye for detail and a talent for employing practical skills to achieve your goals. Your meticulous planning and thoughtful consideration of all aspects of a project reflect your reliability and conscientious nature. You are aware of your strong work ethic, combined with your friendly and trustworthy demeanor. You are highly committed to your work, practical, and reliable which inspires confidence in your abilities.

How do you think others see you?

You may feel like others don't fully understand you or perceive you accurately. It's possible that you have an unclear sense of your own identity, or that your identity is constantly changing based on your emotions or what's currently going on in your life. This can make it difficult for others to get a clear picture of who you are, and you may feel misunderstood. You might even feel like you can't be your true self, or that there isn't a true version of you that you can show to people. It's possible that you feel like others see you as fake or delusional, or that they pick up on your insecurities and emotional struggles so their perception of you is clouded by emotional projections. You may worry that you confuse people or that they have false beliefs and wrong ideas about you.

What do you project?

You might unknowingly convey your inner feelings of doubt and unease to those around you. Perhaps you are currently low on energy, and those around you can sense that you are feeling defeated. You might be projecting an absence of assertiveness in your communication and actions, indicating that you are unsure of your ability to win your battles and succeed. It's also possible that you are projecting a lack of confidence in yourself and your boundaries, giving off the impression that you are easily giving up and that you don't stand up for yourself. Maybe others perceive you as someone who starts unnecessary conflicts and behaves recklessly. You may also be projecting a lack of experience and commitment, which could result in you frequently stepping back from challenging situations. Overall, you project insecurity and a lack of motivation.

How can you improve your image?

To improve your image, you must embrace the unknown and uncertainty with boldness, readiness, and vitality. Identify the factors that are holding you back and draining your energy. Instead of wasting your time and focusing on insecurities, learn to be assertive, spontaneous, and willing to take risks. Redirect your focus intelligently. Feel the fear, and do it anyway. Trust in your ability to overcome any challenge that comes your way. Don't hold back your wild side; be authentic and unapologetic. Take care of your health and engage in sports that will help you gain confidence and vigor. Expand yourself and seek ways to grow instead of limiting yourself. Remember, you are capable of achieving anything you set your mind to.

Who/How are you?

You may be currently undergoing a process of healing, or are considering such a journey. You are beginning to view your pain, struggle, and grief in a new light, and as a result, you are experiencing a sense of release from emotional pain. You are starting to feel more peaceful and serene, and you are gaining a deeper sense of self-awareness. You are recovering from a past event that has had a profound impact on you, and you are gaining hope and faith in your healing journey. You are engaging in various forms of emotional release, such as journaling, meditation, or talking to someone. You help others to heal by sharing your own journey. You are attuned to your feelings and learning to experience them, rather than trying to control or over-analyze them. You are someone who is overcoming emotional obstacles and developing a sense of self-acceptance and inner peace. Your journey of healing is a testament to your strength and resilience, and serves as an inspiration to others who may be going through similar experiences.

♡ Pile 4

How do you see yourself?

You appear to be someone who possesses a strong sense of willpower. You are confident in your abilities to manifest your desires and you have all the resources at your disposal to achieve your goals. Your skills and creativity are impressive, and you possess the strategic prowess and focus to make things happen. You also possess a sense of empowerment and cunning, which makes you a natural leader with a flair for innovation.

Your persuasive and analytical abilities have made you a force to be reckoned with, and you are well aware of your power and influence. However, you may have noticed that this energy is not always directed in a positive direction. You may have used your persuasive abilities to manipulate, control, or deceive others, rather than using them to inspire and motivate. Perhaps you have struggled to channel your creativity in a way that benefits yourself and others, and as a result, you may have suppressed it altogether. You may also feel that you lack consistency in your endeavors, which can lead to wasted potential or a lack of progress. You may struggle to be honest and coherent with your thoughts and actions, which can lead to a sense of confusion or frustration. Despite these challenges, you deeply understand that you have the potential to overcome them and tap into your full potential.

How do you think others see you?

You believe that others perceive you as a deep and dynamic individual, characterized by a continual process of transformation and evolution in your life. You feel that they recognize your innate ability to undergo significant metamorphoses and serve as a catalyst for change. You sense that others regard you as someone who wields profound influence, capable of instigating transformative shifts within themselves and their surroundings. You believe that people perceive your resilience and profound depth, viewing you as a revolutionary figure who fosters renewal and facilitates healing processes. You think others see you as a radical person.

What do you project?

You appear to be experiencing a sense of detachment from your expertise and proficiency. You project that your level of engagement with your work has diminished compared to previous times. Your attention and organizational skills seem to be faltering, leaving others with a feeling of uncertainty regarding your reliability and dependability. It appears that practicality eludes you, and you are out of harmony with those around you, resulting in a lack of confidence in your abilities both professionally and in your daily pursuits. Your friends or colleagues may detect a noticeable disconnect, sensing that you are not resonating on the same wavelength as before and that your connection with them has weakened. Don't take this as a further discouraging message. Remember that this is also part of your journey so embrace it, and seek to realign at your own pace. You may be projecting this however it doesn't have to be the truth about you.

How can you improve your image?

Enhancing your image begins with embracing both your triumphs and setbacks, as they are integral parts of your journey toward personal and professional growth. By acknowledging and learning from your experiences, you pave the way for self-improvement and evolution. Make time for introspection, allowing yourself to release any burdens and cultivate gratitude for the lessons learned. Reclaim your power by reframing disappointments as opportunities for growth and resilience. Stay proactive in seeking out avenues for advancement and expansion. Re-center yourself by decluttering not only your physical surroundings but also your mental and spiritual spaces. Through this deliberate process of self-care and empowerment, you position yourself to thrive and radiate confidence in all aspects of your life. Remember that you can't grow new flowers until the old ones have decomposed into soil. Focus on growing new flowers, not in the decomposed old ones.

Who/How are you?

You have a vibrant persona thar radiates humor, making interactions with you a delight. You exude a carefree optimism that uplifts those around you. Your approach to life is characterized by a refreshing lack of attachment to material possessions, opting instead to savor experiences with an insatiable curiosity and boundless enthusiasm. You embrace each moment as an opportunity for joy and discovery. Recognizing the analogy of life to a perpetual celebration, you conscientiously cultivate an attitude of a gracious host, ensuring that every encounter is filled with warmth and vitality. Your capacity to maintain a lighthearted perspective, coupled with an unwavering focus on the bright side of life, reflects a remarkable depth of wisdom and resilience. You have an infectious smile and unforgettable laughter, and you embrace your childlike wonder.

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[yetanotherexhaustedalchemist]

Found this tiermaker assigning the twst boys with the seven deadly sins, here's my rankings

Explainations:

Ace was difficult to place, but he is prone to overestimating/boasting about his prowess with magic or intelligence (often without evidence behind him 😒) He also thought he was a match for RIDDLE one week into school, yikes.

Jack was also difficult to place, since he's generally one of the more upstanding students. But he does rely on himself more than he probably should on occasion, such as when he wanted to confront Leona alone in Book 2, without the support of others.

I mean what's not for Vil to be proud of Pride is often defined as being full of yourself to the point that you won't acknowledge your faults; this doesn't apply to Vil. Still, it could be argued that his pride led him to be unable to acknowledge Neige winning against him.

Sebek thinks very highly of being fae. IDK what else

It's Azul. He's a capitalist. What do you want from me?

Floyd wasn't assigned lust from a sexual viewpoint (necessarily), but he does live hedonistically. He only really does things if he thinks they'll bring him enjoyment or pleasure of some form.

Same for Rook. I guess you could say he lusts for beauty?

And same for Malleus. His need to keep the things he cherishes close prompts his overblot, and that's a kind of possessiveness I associate with lust.

Cater is shown in his Halloween SSR to envy Lilia's understanding family relationships. Social media also tends to make people compare their lives to others and lead to envy.

Jamil envies people - a lot of people - to the point that it affects his relationships and distorts how he views people. For example, his envy of Kalim's (perceived) easy life stops him from seeing Kalim objectively.

Epel is a minor example, but he's prone to being jealous of other's strength (physical like Jack and Leona, or magical like Vil).

It makes sense that someone who grew up in the slums, needing to fight and steal to get food to eat, would be kind of obsessed with having food and money. Ruggie is under gluttony rather than greed because he actually uses the money and eats the food (or gives it to the people back home) instead of hoarding it.

Besides having a large appetite, I'd say that Jade is a bit of a 'glutton' for amusement in a similar way to Floyd. I put him under gluttony instead of lust because it just felt right.

He angy

Deuce is under wrath because of delinquent mode, that's it

Ortho chooses violence with alarming frequency. not much to say.

Trey himself admits that he let Riddle's mental state get worse by not dealing with the hard truth and letting it fester. He says he knows he should have done something to stop Riddle, but he didn't, and it hurt Riddle and others.

Leona is lazy (sleeping all the time), but his cynicism also makes him extremely unmotivated and uninterested in putting effort into anything.

Like Leona, Idia is extremely uninterested in doing things outside his interests, even when they demand his attention (housewarden and STYX duties). Also, like Leona, he almost certainly has depression, which would help explain this.

Lilia also didn't fit into any of the catagories well, but I put him under sloth for the sole reason that his suddenly leaving NRC for the East could be seen as him trying to to avoid the hard goodbyes of a farewell, in a (failed) attempt to spare his boys' from pain.

Kalim's just a sweetheart!! none of the categories fit him well

Same with Silver

--

A few specifications: here are the definitions I used for the sins

Wrath: Anger taken to unhealthy extremes; misdirected anger; causing harm by hurting innocents

Sloth: Causing harm by inaction; leaving others to suffer when you could/should do something to help

Greed: When the desire to have resources (money, land, ect) deprives others of what they need

Envy: Seeing others' fortune as wrong; dumbing people down into targets of jealousy

Pride: Believing you are superior to others

Gluttony: Hunger (for food, luxury, ect) taken to unhealthy extremes; anything in excess is poison

Lust: Reducing others as objects/pawns for your desire (sexual, power, wealth, ect); desiring something so strongly that becomes a sole motivator

--

Putting someone in a category doesn't mean that they fit all the criteria/interpretations

I also included despair/melancholy under sloth (choosing to wallow in your own pain and ignoring what could be done to help, yourself or others)

The difference between greed and gluttony is hard to define, but it's best described by greed being the desire to have material things for the sake of having them, while gluttony is the desire to have material things for the pleasure of consuming/using them.

[astropookie]

astro thoughts 🏇🌈✨💫🍳

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH ❤️ even though it’s almost July

disclaimer: I didn’t check my orthography

i hate it but what’s trying to tell me the universe. my friend reminds me of my mom 😭 kill me pls. she have sun 11H, she worries a lot about how others understand what she saids, what others may think of her. she wants to be peaceful but at the same time she have moon in scorpio so she’s struggling and she have a certain opinion about others based on the first impression or what made more impact -negative? idk. now I feel judge -I think it’s my anxiety-. Update: i said what was bothering me to her and everything is said, I’m proud of me, I’m in peace, she responded in a understanding manner. I can breath.

the degree of your ascendant says ALOT, not only about the physical appearance. it could point out even your career, how’s focused your life, how you react…now that I think about it, it’s like an ascendant in your ascendant pc (but if it confused you ignore it).

for example, my friend have gemini degree in his ascendant, he’s doing his major in communication, his family is full of artists and specially musicians, so he grew up knowing how to play every music instrument, it’s like breathing to him, music. he’s used to it and he express himself by composing and being curious, wanting to know about this and that. other example: my other friend has a gemini rising but I was thinking “there’s something that’s missing” 👀 the leo degree of course. he be slayyiing💅 he’s sassy. he knows what he wants and people always be wanting him not the other way around 🙄 he’s like purr stunning gurl 💋

the same friend told me the other day that his first impression of me was or exactly what he thought: “you don’t want to mess with her” “I wouldn’t mess with her ever”. he told me I remembered him of maddy of euphoria -I gave him the idea bc I didn’t understand and he agreed-. Ascendant - Saturn aspects make you look like a bad bitch, like they’ll kick your ass if you don’t do what they tell you, THEY ARE. The structure of their face is also bony. They look like they’re mad, like they’re on their way and if you step there you’re dead: karmic. The jawline, omg, is sharp, it could cut you.

Picture 1 Picture 2 Picture3

Also, bc Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, Capricorn ascendants and saturn-ascendant aspects share characteristics but are not the same? Capricorn risings have this cheekbones that are so sensual and even if they age, the cheekbones are still there, what you notice first is that. What they share is the intimidating aura strangers perceive. In different levels or forms I believe.

Dakota Johnson Gisele Bündchen

TWO QUEENS THAT I CANT FINISH TO DESCRIBE HOW THEIRE SO ETHEREAL BEAUTIFUL STUNNING ICONIC AND INFINITE THINGS MORE

I have Mars in Retrograde. I don’t know what bothers me until I explode or until I go to my psychologist. I minimize what bothers me and save it all in the back, so then my brain will hurt. I don’t figure out or notice when something bothers me bc I don’t think is a big deal or that’s a joke, but even if it’s a joke I can still not like it -a side note-. You’ll find me realizing later what was bothering me and then struggling to tell people how I really felt when they did THAT something.

Picture from Pinterest

when the kid’s mercury is sextile Saturn’s dad (synastry: mercury sextile saturn), it means the dad communicates with their child as a way of teaching, caring about them. through their communication, they share childhood stories, experiences of any type and what they have learned about them, what they have observed. trough their talking they share their wisdom. the father have all the attention of their kid when he opens his mouth. the kid somehow knows something important is about to be said or they admires their dad that much.

Picture from Pinterest

Leo moons 5H + aries degree can be pretty egoist, they could lost themselves in the idea of something, of having it. Also they don’t think, twice letting themselves be carried by the emotion that idea gives them. They’re in their pretty little world of fun but they are not looking what’s happening to others, they’re hungry for their passion. I HAVE TO TELL: not everyone with these placements are like this and blablabla -the same thing I say for precaution- AND I had something, it’s not even something 🙄 I had nothing with these placement k? but it gives you an explanation for my attitude. STILL, I think I gotta mention some of the synastry so it’ll make sense. In another time bc I don’t want to waste my energy in that -and don’t want to-.

Saturn in opposition with Uranus aspect makes the individual stay in the doubt. They’re stanched while they keep analyzing the pro and cons of the situation they want to start/be part. Even if someone extern try to help, they’ll be doubting more.

Virgo moons are just so wholesome ☹️❤️ They want to help. they’re always doing something. they want the best for you. they care of others as if they take care of themselves but better, sadly. they work too much they need a rest but they know they’ll be anxious of doing nothing. they’re just pure souls. they’re so kind. always helping in a ONG/organization that helps needed ones.

Aquarius mercury always have something to say, they’re always right 🙄 even though they say it’s comprensible and natural that everyone have their own beliefs I don’t believe them. I think they think their mindset is better and everyone should follow it. LIKE GURL WTF I know you think you are wise and shit and you’ve passed through experiences that made you learned and that inspired you to tell them to others BUT let others make mistakes and be wrong, let others don’t be like you, there’s the beauty. I always find them criticizing others for their manners, as if they have lived the same way you did.

I don’t believe/trust? in libras, yeah ok may be that my sun is in libra but not my whole chart. That’s what I’m talking about, with that last sentence I’m gaslighting you 💌 how tf you believe in libras when they don’t tell the truth directly I CANT. With my honesty I gotta mention that my libra sun appear when I don’t want to ruin something that benefits me, when I don’t know the person and I try my best, to my sag/scorpio/aquarius placements to not appear. They always keep something in their minds, they don’t tell you all, they keep to themselves some part, could be to not hurt you, doesn’t benefits them or whatever. a friend with moon in libra degree and another with libra moon: I always want them to say what they want, they can’t. I want to squish the hell out of them bc I can’t too😭🔪

Ceres 3H is a good placement for a psychologist. How they motivate others using their minds, that easily absorbs and process/analyses experiences and knowledge, to finally find a solution depending on the case -of the patient-, so it’ll be suitable. When they help others, their communication keeps improving with time. More experience = better. Still, it’s natural.

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❀ Based on my personal experience.

❀ English is not my first language.

❀ I’m not a profesional astrologer.

Thank youu. baibaiii🫣🫶🏼💋

Do not copy. Please give me credits.

[faytelumos]

I'm trying to write a thing (probably only in my head, let's be realistic) and so I have some thoughts?

Sunshine x Grumpy prompts

(specifically a dommy Sunshine and a subby Grumpy, but read/swap these as you will)

Meetings

- They physically bump into each other in the street. Sunshine is trying to gather up Grumpy's stuff and straighten them out, but Grumpy is just trying to get away from Sunshine's overpowering energy.

-> Then afterwards, Grumpy is the one who keeps thinking about the encounter.

- There are no rooms left in the hotel/inn. Sunshine overhears Grumpy all but begging for any kind of room at all, and offers to share theirs.

- Every day, Grumpy walks past Sunshine dancing in a slightly inconvenient place (like a sidewalk or in front of a coffee shop). Eventually, they start watching Sunshine briefly when they come across them. Then, Sunshine makes direct eye contact and motions for them to dance, too.

-> Grumpy may not dance with them, but maybe Sunshine decides to make it their life's mission to tease out the dance moves in Grumpy's heart.

- Grumpy notices Sunshine gently handling a disliked/misunderstood animal. They instantly wonder if Sunshine would be willing to handle them (disliked and misunderstood as they are) so gently.

- People generally assume Grumpy is cruel/brutish in a fight. But when Sunshine sees them being merciful and diplomatic in the face of conflict, their heart goes all aflutter. They must not let this wonderful person slip through their fingers.

Acquaintances to Friends/Lovers

- They know each other only in passing, and Grumpy assumes Sunshine to be a total ditz. But when a fight between strangers breaks out in a tight space, Sunshine rushes into the fray to break it up. (Maybe the sight of Sunshine being strong and capable does something to Grumpy.)

-> Alternatively, it could be an emergency/crisis that Grumpy or another stranger are having (such as choking on something, a severe allergic reaction, or an illness or injury taking a sudden turn for the worse).

- They work together, and Sunshine has been making their way around the workplace day by day, doing something happy and cheerful and everything for each person. Grumpy is dreading the day it's their turn.

*Relationship Intensifies*

- Sunshine is a terrible cook. Grumpy pulls out the apron and shows them a thing or two.

- Sunshine opens up about their dark past during a quiet moment. It is remarkably (even freakishly) similar to what Grumpy went through.

- Sunshine notices that while Grumpy's actions say, "Do not perceive me," their body language screams, "I need you specifically to hold me."

- Over the past few weeks/months, Sunshine and Grumpy have been spending more and more time together. Right as Grumpy starts to feel comfortable opening up, they realize… Sunshine actually doesn't talk about themself. Practically at all.

After Dark

- Grumpy is too nervous/self-conscious to initiate, even though being with Sunshine is all they've been thinking about for the past ten minutes.

-> Sunshine miraculously notices and treats Grumpy so sweetly that Grumpy almost breaks.

->-> Or they do break, and Sunshine's happy to pick up the pieces afterwards.

- Sunshine's "I'll get a smile out of you yet!" attitude shifting into "You're mine and no one will ever hurt you" when things get hot.

- Grumpy's "I refuse to burden people with my presence" attitude becoming "Please, I need every last piece of you" when things get going.

- Grumpy and Sunshine have to switch roles a little when Sunshine drops after they're together.

[ineffectualdemon]

I hate the idea that disability is a bad a word

I hate that autism gets disregarded as "bad at socialising and being a bit weird"

Like I start hitting myself in public because I'm overstimulated and cannot physically stop myself from hitting. I HAVE to hit something. It's the only way I can deal with the feelings and pain that have built up. And because I am needing to hit something I am the safest thing to hit

Except its not safe because I'm hitting my own head but I can't stop and I'm stomping my foot and people are staring and I'm crying and keening and need to leave but everything is hurting me even myself and I can't stop and I can't move away from where I am

If the light isn't the exact right brightness it hurts

If it's a bad day I have to go through most of my wardrobe to find any clothing that doesn't feel like sandpaper on my skin

Like a sudden change in routine or what I expect can send me back into a meltdown

That trying to do things as a "normal" adult with a job and doing normal tasks burns me out so badly I feel ill

And I am privileged because I can speak my thoughts verbally most of the time and defend my boundaries and go to school and was able to work for a short period and do not have intellectual disabilities

Many autistic people don't have that privilege and I struggle with pain everyday because of my autism

Even when it's well accommodated like it is now. No accomodation is going to make me able to handle wearing the majority of my clothing on a bad day or make my issue with light levels go away or remove the distress from plans changing unexpectedly

But if I struggle and with how autism disables me how much harder is it for those who cannot usually speak verbally and cannot defend themselves or ask for what they need? Who have to rely on others who may not bother to listen or understand them?

I wouldn't choose to not be autistic because that is fundamentally changing who I am. It's not like my fibromyalgia or rheumatoid arthritis. Those didn't form a core part of my personality and self

My autism is how my brain is wired and undoing it is undoing me and that's horrifying

So I wouldn't choose not to be autistic. I love how my brain works and my special interests and info dumps and sense of humour and how I perceive the world

But I can still recognise that it's a disability that makes my life significantly harder as well

[cleromancy]

to me i dont think that nonserious physical injuries are real to jason at all like they barely register whether they're on him or on someone else, but to tim things like little cuts and scrapes are 1. concrete problems 2. that he can do something about, so they light up the center of his brain that goes "TIMMY FIX"

and it sincerely doesnt matter who it is who has the scrapes like tim by default is going to try to fix anything he perceives as within his power to fix. thats who he is thats what he does. like yeah he probably wouldnt go out of his way to do it for someone super evil like sionis or someone he, personally, really hates like digger harkness or if he happens to be really mad at that person right that minute but otherwise. at minimum hes making sure *somebody* sees to their minor injuries.

and i just :chinhands: i like to think about jason realizing that tim cares by default about it when something happens like jason cuts himself while chopping vegetables. like jason blows him off and tells him to calm down and tims like a dog with a bone when he feels the need so like no actually you're going to sit down and accept your bandaid and neosporin. and jasons so baffled like tim im a grown ass 20 or 30 year old man i can get my own band aid. but just having someone consistently notice and care about small hurts that not even jason notices or cares about

and its once again literally not bc jason is special. its just that tim by default cares about people and jason is, technically, people. bc tim is not at all a subscriber to jasons school of thought that people ever stop being people, therefore tim is not going to ever think jason should stop being treated like a person. but theres jason understanding that cerebrally and then there's being regularly confronted with the fact that if jason is careless and burns his hand by accident tims going to make him put his hand under cold water because that matters to him. that regular, automatic care about little things not even jason cares about. and jason going from bewilderment to mild irritation to understanding to 🥺🥺 to. inevitably kind of wanting to get hurt on purpose just to get more of that and also just to test to make sure its not a fluke. They

[wered0gs]

I haven't seen a lot of discussion about RSD when it comes to ADHD discussions, so I thought I would do the honors since it's been affecting me for many years and I'd like people to know more about it!

I have had a diagnosis for ADHD but was never told- instead learning I had autism through therapy but still having some behaviors that I could never explain that just Happened.

I learned I had ADHD over the summer, and with that, severe rejection sensitive dysphoria.

before reading, please keep in mind that this is mostly talking from personal experience and some skimmed research! not experiencing RSD doesn't mean you do/don't have ADHD, and it may not appear like how it appeared for me. I don't only have autism + adhd either, so those may also contribute to any differences! ^^

RSD is the immense emotional pain after being criticized, rejected, or even teased (ignore my misspell in the panel). This rejection can be real or perceived, and we react like this because it hurts.

The pain can manifest as aggression, bringing on symptoms of depression (thoughts of s/h, isolation, demotivation, etc) and anxiety/panic attacks.

it can cause physical aliments like the above. For me, it causes my heartrate to skyrocket, heart palpitations, the feeling of being in a crisis, and extreme shaking to occur along with stomach pain.

(In fact, right now I'm going through it because making a post talking about this, despite having & dealing with it, makes me scared of other's opinions on it.)

RSD can also take the form of avoiding situations, people, or conversations where rejection or criticism is very possible.

Like other types of dysphoria, it is out of our control and hard to manage. It can last from days to weeks to months, all depending on both the trigger* and the individual.

I had a RSD episode that was on-and-off for a little over a year or two; getting more tame and bearable as it slowly drifted and stopped haunting my mind with the incident.

Compared to the other times my RSD was set off, this moment was a rather big moment in my life and ended up permanently changing me moving forward - which can be the reason why it lasted so long.

Despite how unbearable it can get, there are some ways to cope with it & lessen the effect it has.

Communicate - If you need time to process something that's told to you, you should say so (as difficult as it is). Tell the person(s) involved about your RSD, how you need time to digest information like this and take some time to relax. Trying to respond to the information while going through the head of the dysphoria will be very rough and might not be what you truly want to say.

Distract - This is really useful for me personally! Do something that grabs your attention or occupies your mind. One of RSD's main symptoms is rumination, thinking of something over and over again. I usually listen to music, draw, or play a game that won't frustrate me - like minecraft! (i'd say rain world but some of you would call me a maniac /lhj)

Perspective - This may require some communication, but it can really help and connect with others. See what the involved people thought / perceived, explain, talk. This doesn't always have the chance to end in rainbows and rekindling but at least you understand. Sometimes simply hearing the person explain their own side is enough to ease my RSD, being able to have someone explain themselves to me so i can understand them better.

I also wanna point out the "don't take it personally" thing that people try to use to deal with it isn't something i agree with since we're going to take it personally at first regardless. Later on, not really, but you're trying to cope with the symptoms... telling someone (or yourself) that they're too sensitive & over-reacting is the worse thing you could do.

With time, you can even begin to build up your 'armor' and be able to sustain yourself in situations you might get hurt in. Of course, some things may be able to sneak past and hurt you more than you expect, but at the end of the day, you're trying your best to go about it the best you can while taking so many blows. you're doing great.

OK i dont have a lot more to add so if anyone else would like to talk about their experiences, please feel free! Character showcased here was my beloved fursona Shiki! i'm just a little neurodivergent + black artist from new york :]

hope you enjoyed it! sorry for the long post </3

[fleetingcalypso]

I am very sorry to bother you, but a very sweet prompt fleeted into my mind as I prepared myself to come out to my parents, and I'd thought I'd share it in the sheer hope you'd read it, enjoy the thought and perhaps write something based on it, if you're comfortable.

Just imagine, you're very close to Sirius Black (you can choose to which degree, platonically, romantically, interested but not together yet, preferably the last because hehe). You've known for a while you were transgender (FtM) but never had the strength to come out, fearing rejection and alienation from the friend group. Just a sweet little comfort fic because I'm anxious as fuck.

≋ What you're doing is extremely brave, I'm so very proud of you. I wish you the best, friend. Know that whatever goes down, you'll never be judged or rejected here. I'll pray your coming out will be met with love and affection.

≋ Sirius Black x TransMasc!Reader ≋

≋ Word Count: 2285 words.

≋TW: Dysphoria, Misgendering (not done by Sirius)

Hogwarts seemed intimidating, more than anything. Eleven year old me, sitting in that train, chewing my nails and staring out at the moving scenery, had not the slightest idea that finding friends would be as easy as breathing. At least it is when four troublemakers decide to adopt you into their friend group, barely a week after classes started.

‘The marauders’ they’d call themselves, not so slowly becoming every professor’s nightmare.

They each had something that made them so intriguing. The four of them were attached at the hip, and with me being dragged into their pranks and escapades things only got more entertaining. Even as my house was far away from the castle we studied at, every day I got to spend with them made it feel like I was home, with their jokes and their being able to light up a dull moment with only a couple of words. James, Sirius, Remus and Peter welcomed me in, as one of them.

In the midst of my lowest moments I wondered, would they still accept me if I let my walls down? I sprinkled seeds of the truth here and there: I cut my hair short, I opted for pants instead of the usual skirt, I was at my happiest during winter - when finally I could show off the baggiest of sweaters to conceal the appendages on my chest. It’s not purely a physical discomfort, though. It’s in the little things, small seemingly meaningless moments that no one appears to notice but me. 

People perceive me differently based on how I move even the tiniest of muscles, it is painfully obvious. The boys have never done it, not once, they’ve always treated me as one of them. Never has one of them implied me being weaker, more delicate or called me ‘sweetheart’ in that obnoxious way lots of people do when they’re trying to put me back in my place.

 My head constantly feels underwater with the knowledge that if I were to sit wrong I’d be labeled as a girl, if I walk in a specific way it’ll put attention on my hips, even just standing, unmoving, gives me anxiety. The most insignificant of movements could shoot down the image of me that I want people to see whenever they lay eyes on me.

I feared the worst each time I let my mind tug me into a daydream. Deep down I knew, they’d never turn their back on a friend, but fear nipped at my heels every day. Not only was I hiding who I was from them, but I was lying to their faces about it as well. What hurt me the most, though, was not being able to admit my identity to Sirius.

Sirius Orion Black, he’s been the one that made sure I felt safe around him and the lads. More than once I caught myself being entranced by his words as he let the rest of us know what a nightmare his family life was. He was the total opposite of what his mother wanted him to be, yet that didn’t stop him from being his pure unfiltered self, if anything he enhanced each trait she found disgusting. Sirius wasn’t scared to be his true self, even if it meant going against his blood.

It sparked something in me. My heart has been his, for a long time now.

Sirius, with his raven locks, smooth skin and ever present smirk on his face is the one and only subject of all my dreams. He constantly looks as though he knows everyone’s secrets. The thought makes my stomach twist. When I awake, with the moon still high up in the sky, I almost turn to the pillow beside me, to take a peek at him, they’re that realistic. 

At any rate, if there’s someone that I feel should be the one to know the true me, it is him. I contemplated asking all four of them to meet me, but I don’t think I could rip the bandaid that easily. I want to talk to the one who knows -somewhat- how it feels to have expectations placed on oneself, the one who knows that being someone you’re not is more painful than the Crucio curse itself. Of course our situations are oceans apart: he doesn’t deal with having the need to hide certain parts of my body, or with the numerous wailing moments caused by being born in the wrong body, but I think he'd be the first one to accept me.

I had a whole speech prepared, a letter pages and pages long that I was going to give him, so he could read it without my presence, but as I hear his footsteps approaching me, I can imagine him already. His wand resting behind his ear and tie loosened, hands comfortably and nonchalantly situated in the pockets of his jeans with his luscious hair possibly styled into a bun.

“You’ve been rather gloomy lately, mate.” His foot taps my leg, before he lowers himself to sit next to me. We’ve always enjoyed sitting in the astronomy tower together, in the short span of time between a prank or two. Here, we don’t have to worry about being something else, we’re just humans admiring the stars. In hindsight, I should have figured out he knew I’d be hiding out here, as for my ‘being gloomy’, well, I thought I’d done a good job pretending. Apparently not. It makes me wonder if he’s seen through all of my white lies.

“You know how it is, life is hard.” I turn to him, expecting a silly joke like ‘Life is hard, but I’m harder’, something stupid to cheer me up as he usually does, but said joke never makes it into reality. He’s not even smiling, his lip is caught between his teeth in a clearly troubled look, it doesn’t suit him. No trace of a bun holding his luscious hair in place, what a shame.

“Are you okay though?” He whispers, even if we are the only beating hearts in the room and the sincerity in his voice almost brings me to tears. “I mean it when I say you haven’t been yourself lately.” I haven’t fully been myself for ages, but he doesn’t know that. Of course he doesn’t. I’ve been everything but myself. Oh, how many times have I hoped I could just rip my chest apart and rid myself of this body that doesn’t belong to me, before emerging from the depth of it as the man I know I am.

My tongue is threatening me to run faster than my mind. ‘I’m a man’ I want to shout, ‘I have always been a man, from the moment I was born, and I hope you can accept me for what I am.’ It sounds so easy in my head, which is why I hate it more than anything when my throat dries up as soon as I part my lips. His gaze falls to them, but it comes back up to meet my eyes when only a sigh escapes from them.

In being faced with my hesitation he speaks again, a subtle comforting smile on his face, “Hey, I’m not holding you hostage. You don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t feel like it.” His elbow meeting my side in a gentle shove sends my heart ablaze, it is just a simple touch, not even skin on skin, yet it makes my entire body warm up.

“If one day you woke up and saw that you were trapped in a cage, what would you do?” I tentatively ask, testing the waters of the ocean I know I am going to dive in today. My question causes a corner of his lips to tilt upwards, “I’d pick the lock,” He says, as if the solution would be that easy. I foolishly hope it was.

“What if there is no lock to pick? What if you could escape it, but you’d have to face one of the biggest fears in your life in order to do so?” 

His answer, before I can even finish the last syllable, “I’d do it. If it means freedom, I’d do anything. You know it.” His hand rests on my shoulder, I can feel his thumb pressing into my muscles, more than anything I want to hug him and confess my reality with my face hidden in his neck. But I don’t. I’m tired of hiding. My life has turned into a twisted version of hide and seek, where I’m both the seeker and the one hiding. I seek a day where I won’t have to hold back anymore, a day where I’ll be able to use a masculine pronoun without expecting weird looks towards me, yet I hide away in the darkness, afraid of the future, afraid of losing everything I’ve built so far. 

I’ve built mansions, cathedrals, palaces with precarious foundations and I think the time has come to fix that. 

“What’s with all the philosophical talk today? Cages and fears and whatnot. Is it a new idea for a prank? Because if it is you need to hear one James had just a while ago-”

“I’ve been lying to you, Sirius.” I confess with the taste of bile in the back of my throat. The letter I had prepared and read so many times I’d memorized it sits deep in the pockets of my pants, I’m running on no script and no idea of where this conversation will bring us. I have no patience to hear what he might say, so I don’t even stop to breathe before I speak again.

“I’ve been lying to all of you, even to myself at times. I want to preface this by saying that I understand if this is confusing to you, or if you don’t understand where this is coming from but I am not the girl you boys befriended all those years ago. I’ve never been a girl, not once, but this doesn’t mean I’ve been faking to be your friend. I’m still the friend that helped you get out of detention, I’m still the friend that sent professors down the wrong hallway when they would ask for you mid prank preparation, I’m still the friend that would do your essays for you in exchange for part of your food at lunch. I’m still your friend, just not the friend you thought you had.” The words flow out like a river overflowing, it is only as I say the last word that I notice the tears rolling down my cheeks, “I’m not a girl,” I say again, my voice cracking in a sob, “I’m a guy.” 

The grip he had on my shoulder tightens for a moment before he lets out the loudest sigh of relief I’ve ever heard, “By Merlin’s beard, you scared me half to death there.” His other hand rests on his chest, most likely trying to relax his beating heart that, if it’s pounding half the speed of mine, then it must be fighting tooth and nail to escape his ribcage. Something halfway through another sigh and a chuckle comes from him as his head shakes, “So, you’re a bloke, huh? Is that what you’re telling me?” 

I nod, swallowing the gulp stuck in my throat, I can’t force myself to make a sound. The arm wrapping itself around my shoulder and pulling me into Sirius takes me by surprise, “You were always one of the lads, mate.” He says, grinning ear to ear, “Thank you for telling me. I can’t imagine this was easy for you…” The weight on my back does not abandon me completely, it is only the tiniest amount lighter. The first step is taken, there is no going back, little by little he’ll be able to uncover all of me. One small step at a time. Now it is no time to let him know how the only things I smelled while brewing amortentia was his cologne, butterbeer and the occasional cigarette. 

I don’t know what else to say, it feels like I just lept from a flying broom awaiting contact with the ground, but the crash never comes, my bones never break and no absurd pain breaks through me. “Thank you for still being here.” I choke out. His thumb runs over the corners of my eyes, the silver rings on his fingers graze my hot skin, “Thank you for telling me.” He repeats, dragging my body closer to his in a warm hug, “I want you to know, telling the others, that’s your choice. I won’t say a word. There’s no rush. I’ll even hold your hand while you do it.”

I melt in his arms. His last remark, as teasing as it was, is enough to pull a smile out of me. “I’ll make sure to let you know whenever I’m ready so you can wash your hands first. Who knows what you’ve touched.”

“Wow, rude much.” Sirius holds me for what feels like a lifetime. They say Hogwarts is the safest place there is, but I think I’ve found a worthy adversary to that claim. We don’t say anything, I said my piece and he listened. That’s all that was important. One day I’m going to have to tell James, Remus and Peter as well, but that can wait for now. The worst is done. 

“Do you feel a little more free now?” He murmurs in my ear, “Has that cage began to feel like something you could escape from?”

“Yes.” And I mean it when I say it. The future looks brighter than it ever has.

[jahayla-parker]

My Far Better Half : Kaz Brekker x Reader

Description: 3.4k wc, As far as Kaz is concerned, y/n is his far better half; everything good in the world, everything he wasn’t, and everything that made him a slightly better person. He vowed to keep her safe to the point very few people knew about her or their relationship. So when she acted recklessly, Kaz’s emotions lead to confessions of how he perceived her/their relationship. (Kaz is still canon but is softer here -only to y/n- due to storyline and the fact he’s had years to make progress). Fluff, Slightly Hurt-comfort, minor angst.

Warnings: typical SoC topics, mentions of physical fights (minimal with no detail) and Kazzle Dazzle being hard on himself.

“Why would you do that?!” Kaz snapped. He dragged his gloved hand down his face, making his eyebrows disheveled. The fear of something possibly having happened to y/n due to her acting so carelessly had made Kaz furious. He couldn’t understand why she’d done what she did. Kaz had made it so she didn’t need to do anything like that, and yet here they were.

Y/n looked away from Kaz shyly. She frowned to herself as she glued her sad eyes to the floor of their bedroom. Y/n knew her actions would make Kaz mad long before she even did them; but she had to. Nonetheless, she hated it when Kaz was upset with her. It didn’t happen often and y/n wished it wasn’t happening now either.

Kaz watched y/n closely. He noticed the way she refused to look at him and the sad expression that was now painting her face. Kaz sighed loudly, his left thumb and pointer finger straightening his brows. “You were trying to protect me,” he determined as he replayed the scene in his mind.

Y/n still didn’t gaze up at Kaz, her eyes remaining on the wooden panels of the floor. She was offended he didn’t pick up on the reason behind her actions earlier. But, y/n was also simultaneously embarrassed for how wrong things had gone when she was trying to help him.

Kaz sighed again. He took a step closer to y/n, eyes trained on her as he waited for her to react. When she still didn’t acknowledge him, he pressed his lips into a straight line and took another step. “I’m…,” Kaz cut himself off before rewording his statement, “I shouldn’t have yelled”.

Y/N’s jaw shifted slightly as did her lips, yet she continued to stare blankly at the ground. She didn’t even know how to feel about all of this as she couldn’t tell if she was more mad that he’d yelled at her, or if she was more embarrassed for how things turned out. So, y/n elected it was best to not respond or react for now until she could get ahold of herself more.

Kaz neared y/n further, his cane clicking against the floor was the only sound due to her continued silence. He cautiously took a seat beside her and sighed. “I’m…,” Kaz began slowly, the words uncomfortable for him, “I’m sor-… I’m sorry, y/n.”

Y/N’s gaze snapped up until she was looking at Kaz. His words had stunned her, Kaz Brekker never apologized. Well, perhaps that wasn’t entirely true. After all, during their relationship, there were many times Kaz had to correct his behaviors in apology for something he’d done (or not done). But, for him to actually directly say he’s sorry was a new development. As such, y/n stared at him in shock.

Kaz was the one to look away this time, the eye contact too much given his recent vulnerable statement. “You just….” He groaned. “You scared me,” Kaz reluctantly confessed, eyes staring into the distance. “I can’t… I can’t have anything happen to you,” he said, his voice rough but merely a whisper. The whisper was instinctual as he didn’t want to risk anyone else hearing such a statement. It was only after he’d whispered the words that Kaz remembered they were home, a ways away from the Barrel where someone might be able to eavesdrop.

Y/n frowned at Kaz’s words. She hated that she’d caused him to worry so much today. “I’m okay, Kaz,” y/n reassured him. She turned her body in order to face him better as he stayed seated beside her. “I… I know it wasn’t ideal.., but I made it out of there fine,” y/n reminded him.

“But you might not have!” Kaz lashed out. He didn’t yell, but his frustration was evident in his tone. Kaz felt y/n’s sorrowful eyes on him and he sighed. “It’s my job to keep you safe,” he pointed out, his hands tightly fisted by his sides out of frustration over his recent inability to do so.

Y/n exhaled sharply, her eyes wild as she looked at Kaz in disbelief. She shook her head lightly in protest. “Kaz-,” y/n began, but was cut off when Kaz began speaking again.

“No.” Kaz huffed audibly, his eyes tense. “It’s my job,” he repeated. “I willingly accepted that role the moment we met.” Kaz aggressively shook his head. “You’re far too good for this world,” he declared quietly. “Definitely far too good for the Barrel… and Ghenzen knows, for me-” Kaz continued.

“Kaz,” y/n interrupted sharply. She could see where this was going, and she wouldn’t let Kaz continue to speak that way. Y/n noticed Kaz was about to stop her again, so she shook her head firmly at him. She took her time as she cautiously reached forward and cupped Kaz’s face, being sure to give him ample time to move away or to tell her to stop. When he didn’t, y/n let her warm hands embrace the sides of his devilishly handsome face. She nearly swooned as Kaz unconsciously all-but-melted into her touch. It had taken a long time to get where she could touch Kaz without him getting nauseous or anxious, so for him to not just accept, but actually enjoy her touch continued to make her ecstatic time and time again. Pulling herself back to the moment, y/n smiled softly at Kaz but still gave him a knowing look. “We do this together,” y/n affirmed.

As Kaz went to respond, he felt his lips graze against y/n’s palm and realized he’d leaned into her touch. He could still feel the comforting warmth radiating from her hands. Kaz nodded wordlessly against her palm. After a few moments, he spoke up, “I keep you safe. You keep me soft-…-er..”.

Y/n laughed lightly at Kaz’s need to add ‘er’ to the end of his sentence. But, she lowered her hands from his face and sighed softly as she remembered the sentiment behind the rest of his words. Nonetheless, she knew it was futile to argue with him over this. Y/n elected to accept that at least Kaz agreed they were in this together, even if they didn’t agree on the terms of it yet. As such, she slowly nodded in agreement.

Kaz saw y/n’s reluctant stare and saddened smile. He sighed. “It’s selfish, I know,” he confessed, “but you should be used to that from me by now.” Kaz didn’t let y/n’s scoff of protest stop him from continuing. “But, I don’t want you to change, I want you to stay soft, and kind, and innocent, and not tainted by all of this,” he said, waving his hand as he gestured to the Barrel and the lifestyle it demanded metaphorically.

“It’s not selfish,” y/n argued, shaking her head. She sighed quietly, picking at her fingers. “truthfully I…” y/n trailed off bashfully. Deciding to change what her response was going to be, she shifted to a lighter toned reply. “Obviously, I suck at this kind of stuff anyways,” y/n laughed lightly.

Kaz chuckled briefly, a sound only y/n was permitted to hear; and only in moments like this when they were alone at home. He gave y/n a soft sympathetic curl of his lips before delicately grabbing her hand. “For someone who has never fought two people at once before,” Kaz murmured, still a bit frustrated that it had happened, “it wasn’t atrocious”.

Y/n laughed loudly, smiling bright. “Geee, thanks,” she replied sarcastically. Y/n’s laughter softened as Kaz squeezed her hand to show her he was joking; slightly. “But, honestly…,” she mumbled, biting her lip. “I… I didn’t really care for it…” y/n confessed quietly, her tone serious. “Or how it made me feel…” she elaborated when Kaz’s gloved thumb rubbed the back of her hand supportively.

Y/n felt bad confessing such to Kaz. This was his life, his ways, his skills, and yet, she couldn’t keep up. And even worse, she didn’t like the way it made her feel when she tried to do so. Y/n knew Kaz would support her no matter what, but she still felt like she’d let him down with this realization today.

Kaz hummed tenderly as he squeezed y/n’s hand firmly. “I don’t want that for you,” he said calmly. “I don’t want you to have to do things like that, or to feel like that,” Kaz told her. He could see the emotions in her eyes and knew she was feeling guilty over her confession and he wanted to fix that. Kaz liked that y/n hadn’t had to do the things he had, that she was more pure than him. He didn’t want her to feel bad for that, not when it was just who she was; especially when Kaz adored that about her.

“But, you have to,” y/n sighed, looking up at Kaz. “I hate that I can’t keep up and help you, that I can’t be there for you with this stuff, or-“ she whispered, stopping when Kaz shook his head.

Kaz pulled y/n’s hand closer to his chest, leaning down to place a brief kiss to the back of it. “I appreciate the thought, y/n/n,” he said, something he’d worked on expressing instead of just the next comment he was about to make. “But, I don’t need your help,” Kaz said, “not with this”. He lowered y/n’s hand back down but kept a soft hold on it nonetheless. “I don’t need you to do things that make you feel bad. I don’t want you to feel like that,” Kaz said. He hated how simple and inelegant his words sounded, but he forced himself to remember that sharing such statements was still a positive progression for him.

“But, you shouldn’t have to feel that way either,” y/n argued. Her lips were slightly pouted as she sighed softly. She knew the toll this lifestyle took on her husband, even if he pretended otherwise.

Kaz suddenly looked away from y/n. He gently let go of her hand, setting it on the mattress before he stood up. Kaz made his way to the other side of their room in order to distance himself from y/n. “You don’t have to worry about that.” He shifted his tense jaw as he looked out their window at the trees. “It…” Kaz shook his head, “these things don’t bother me. I’m not a good person, y/n”.

Y/n scoffed loudly, instantly rising from the bed. “Yes you are,” she argued firmly as she made her way to Kaz.

“Dove,-“ Kaz sighed. His tone showed his appreciation for her argument but also his disagreement with it. Kaz kept his eyes on the trees outside their house, not able to look at his wife as he kept pointing out how he wasn’t worthy of her.

“No, it’s my turn”, y/n remarked. She stood before Kaz, partially blocking his view of the outside of their window. “This is my job, isn’t it,” she hummed tenderly, reaching for his hand. Y/n exhaled audibly as Kaz shook his head and continued to avoid her eyes.

“Your job isn’t to try to fix my ego,” Kaz argued even as y/n took hold of his hand. He hated himself for admitting his insecurities. Kaz knew y/n wanted him to do so whenever they came up, but it still wasn’t natural to him to do so. And now he also felt bad for placing such a burden on his loving wife.

Y/n laughed to herself for a second as she rolled her eyes lovingly. “I don’t think that needs fixing, Brekker,” she murmured, smiling up at Kaz as he unconsciously moved closer to her. “Maybe your opinion of your own morality,” she compromised, “but, we’ll get there”.

Kaz shook his head. He leaned forward, grabbing y/n’s other hand and looking down into her y/e/c eyes; the eyes that always calmed him and made him feel better. Kaz felt the corner of his lips curl up faintly. “Darling, my morality is non existent,” he declared firmly.

“That’s not true,” y/n promptly replied. She squeezed Kaz’s hands tightly. “You make plenty of moral decisions and judgements every day,” y/n defended. “Decisions I could never make, but that need to be made. I don’t pity you, Kaz, you know that,” she reassured him, “but, I don’t envy what you have to deal with either”. Y/n took in a deep breath as she gazed into Kaz’s uncertain eyes. “I’m not bothered by the fact that these things are emotionally numb to you by now,” she promised, knowing her husband far too well. “That’s normal, that’s how these things work. You have to do these things day in and day out. Life would be a whole hell of a lot harder if you let everything impact you the way it would those who have never had to do those things,” y/n explained. She pulled Kaz’s hands towards her chest, smiling as he shuffled closer. “It doesn’t change who you are or how I see you,” y/n vowed, gazing at Kaz lovingly.

Kaz swallowed thickly. “It doesn’t?” He asked, flinching as his voice cracked with emotion. “I-… I can’t react to anything appropriately… not the way you can,” Kaz pointed out as his eyes analyzed y/n’s to see if she was telling the truth. He knew y/n usually would be, but right now he couldn’t be sure.

“You’re wrong,” y/n said simply. She tilted her head to the right and teasingly acted as if she was thinking deeply. “Twice in one day, handsome. Aiming for a new record I see,” y/n hummed playfully. She smiled as Kaz scoffed lightly in response. “But, sincerely Kaz,…” y/n slowly let go of one of his hands. She then brought her now free hand up to brush some loose strands of chestnut hair from where they hung over Kaz’s left brow.

“Just last week,” y/n recalled warmly, “we saw that stray dog.” She let her thumb faintly brush over the skin just above Kaz’s eyebrow after she moved his hair out of the way. Y/N’s smile grew as Kaz’s cheeks flushed and his lips curled faintly despite clearly trying to remain stoic. “Honey, I saw the way your eyes warmed immediately and the joy you felt when it finally had a home when we brought it to Wylan and Jes’s place,” she informed her husband gently. “I saw the way you were suppressing a smile when I came to visit you as the club last night,” y/n continued, only having just begun her list of examples.

“Speaking of which, dove,” Kaz interrupted. His free hand shook infinitesimally as he rested it on y/n’s hip.

“I know,” y/n said, stopping Kaz from giving her another lecture. “I need to alert Rotty or you first, so someone can guard me on the way into the Barrel next time,” she smiled. “Even though that defeats it being a surprise,” y/n jokingly muttered under her breath, making Kaz smirk. “See,” she said, tone tender but serious again, “that right there, you watching out for me”.

“I’m forever going to do that, Y/n,” Kaz proclaimed. His fingers on y/n’s hip squeezed into her softly.

“I know,” y/n smiled. “But think about it, truthfully did you ever expect yourself to go out of your way like that for anyone?” She inquired, resting her free hand on Kaz’s shirt collar.

“No,” Kaz admitted. He laughed quietly, a small smile on his lips as he shook his head. “You were a plot twist I didn’t see coming,” Kaz explained.

Y/n smiled and pulled her bottom lip in between her teeth. “A good one?” She whispered. Normally it would be a rhetorical question, but after she’d embarrassed herself with her inability to fend for herself when trying to hold off two brawlers earlier today, she was slightly unsure.

Kaz’s face took on a bashful look. “G-“ he paused and forcibly swallowed. His cheeks flushed darker as he looked into y/n’s eyes before continuing. “Great one,” Kaz corrected.

Y/n hummed, her body releasing some pent up tension. She felt her body melt into Kaz’s hands more as she took his words to heart.

“I told you,” Kaz pointed out as he watched y/n’s reaction. “You’re my far better half, and I’m good with that arrangement.”

Kaz resisted a chuckle when y/n sighed in disagreement. “Just listen,” he spoke as softly as he could. “I appreciate everything you’re saying and doing, Y/n. But, I’ll forever be a million steps behind you in this regard,” Kaz acknowledged. “And I’m fine with that. But, I will never stop working on it for you; for us”. He felt like his face was on fire with how warm it had gotten as he confessed that out loud.

Y/n beamed lovingly at Kaz. She took her time leaning forward, giving him time to pull away before her forehead reached his. As y/n’s brows brushed against Kaz’s, she stared deeply into his eyes. “I love you,” she cooed peacefully.

Kaz took a quick but deep breath. He’d said it countless times before, but it still was new to him. Each time he said it, he could feel the full weight of the words. Kaz actually found that feeling to be a good one. Yet, it made him carry even more emotion when saying it and that was still something he was working on. But, as Kaz reminded himself it was y/n he was saying it too, and hearing her declaration of love for him echo in his mind, it somehow also felt effortless. “I love you too”.

Epilogue

Kaz grinned to himself as he watched y/n from a few feet behind her. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her. The way she was running gleefully though the field of wildflowers made his body feel warm and fuzzy. It had taken Kaz some time to realize that particular sensation was a good thing. But, by now, he was used to it and actually found it extremely comforting.

“Kaz!” Y/n cheered, a little giggle escaping her lips as another butterfly flew by her. “Come on!” She encouraged excitedly. Y/n extended her hands outwards towards where Kaz was.

Kaz chuckled happily as he watched the birds and butterflies flutter around y/n’s twirling body. He hummed contentedly as he made his way to her. Once he’d reached y/n, he set his bare hands in her palms that she was holding upwards expectantly.

Y/n beamed at her husband, her heart skipping a beat as he smiled back at her. She smirked before quickly spinning them around. She was attentively analyzing Kaz’s reaction to make sure she was not doing it in a way that would aggravate his bad leg. When he chuckled a bit louder than normal, his exposed fingers tightening their grip on her hands, y/n joined in his laughter with a wide smile.

After a few too many spins, y/n stopped so they could regain their balance. She felt Kaz’s hands resting on her waist tenderly to keep her steady as their laughter began to simmer down. Y/n looked up to find he was already staring at her. She bit her lip bashfully as she stared back, internally melting as they held affectionate eye contact.

Kaz waited until he could see the dizziness leave y/n’s face before he leaned forward. He closed his eyes as he pressed a soft and short, but nonetheless loving kiss to her warm lips. As much as Kaz wished he could do more, this was another big step he’d made; thanks to y/n. And as such, despite the desire to be able to kiss her longer, Kaz was ecstatic he could at least do this.

“You’re my far better half,” y/n whispered to Kaz. Her eyes were soft and full of love.

Kaz defiantly shook his head even as it rested against y/n’s forehead. “I’ll accept that I’m your other half,” he compromised, “by the inexplicable grace of whatever Saints Inej claims are out there.” Kaz’s hand shook lightly as his bare skin brushed against y/n’s cheek. “But, the far better half belongs to you, my love.”

Y/n sighed and shook her head in disbelief. She went to pull back when she felt the sight tremor in Kaz’s hands. But, when he silently pleaded her not to, she stopped. Y/n exhaled breathily as she tried to find a way to get it through to Kaz how much she disagreed with his viewpoint on the matter at hand.

Kaz watched as y/n began leaning in with her eyes still open. He noticed the way her eyes scanned his for approval or for a sign to stop. His heart swelled at the considerate gesture. Kaz smiled and nodded before closing his eyes y/n placed a delicate kiss on his lips.

As Kaz and y/n parted, he took a shaky breath. Yet, the trace tears in his eyes weren’t from feeling like he was drowning. It was the opposite; y/n was the one person who warmed his cold heart and made it feel as though he were floating. Y/n truly was his far better half, and that was a stance Kaz would defend until the end of time.

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[skrifores]

I have seen the point being made that you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship for some behaviour to constitute domestic violence. I’m seeing this said with regards to Our Flag Means Death and what some people perceive as domestic abuse on Ed’s part - that him not being romantically involved with Izzy shouldn’t mean behaviour between can’t be considered domestic abuse.

It is an excellent point that in many places, the definition of domestic abuse isn’t restricted to intimate partners! It is often widened to consider any violence, coercion and emotional harm taking place within a home environment. Under this definition, children can be victims of domestic abuse by their parents, it can occur between siblings, even roommates - especially with a live-in landlord situation. And of course, the Revenge as well as being a workplace is ultimately where the characters live.

I think it’s very clear that the show is a workplace comedy about pirates, but if you want to apply the definition of violence, coercion and emotional harm within a home environment to your reading to the show, that can be done.

Of course, I would be surprised if you genuinely view it that way and still made it as far as even watching Season 2, given the way what you consider to be domestic abuse in this fictional setting happens so very often with little to no moral consequence, and is often intended to be taken as a joke.

I mean. In the very first episode, the crew talk about killing Stede, and begin to plan for this, including lighting him on fire.

Jim threatens Lucius and actually physically locks him in a small wooden box in the second episode for what seems to be quite a long time.

I think in 4, Izzy pulls on Fang’s beard and it really upsets him. He also talks pretty openly about the intention to kill the Revenge crew, though I’ll let that go at this stage since he doesn’t really live there so much as being there for the purpose of murdering them and stealing their stuff. Still, poor Fang, that looked like it hurt.

While we’re on Izzy, he does also actively try to kill Stede by stabbing him, and he then he goes and does the olde worlde equivalent of calling the cops on him on the intention of having him executed, which seems pretty fucked up on the ‘violence’ part of our DA definition but also hits pretty hard on coercive control since he’s doing this to get Ed to behave differently.

He does prevent the Navy from executing Ed, which is nice, but he does point out that he regrets this, which, ouch, emotional harm. If we’re doing real world definitions, “I should’ve let the cops I called on you murder you” is the sort of thing that would make me feel pretty fucked up. And we all know what it means when someone tells you to watch your step.

But it’s not all about Izzy! (It’s really not, guys, there’s a whole TV show here!) Buttons bites Lucius - who ends up needing the whole finger gone! And he’s a visual artist!

Even my darling man Roach tries to eat the Swede, and I’ve gotta say, I don’t think they were on that island long enough to justify murder.

And who could forget Mary?? Wonderfully written character, love her, but, she does with malice aforethought attempt to kill her spouse in his sleep with a skewer. She was right to do it, in my opinion, but y’know, even without broadening the definition beyond partner relationships, murder of your spouse is pretty classic domestic abuse.

So, y’know, the point I’m getting at really is that if your definition of domestic abuse is violence and control wherein the perpetrator and victim share a significant aspect of their lives like living space - that’s a fine definition in real life. It is the one I use, in real life. But if you apply it to Our Flag Means Death, I really don’t understand how you stomached watching the first season or why you came back for more.

And if you only apply this definition with regards to Ed’s behaviour, but not the rest of the characters, I do wonder why that might be.

[dxmedstudent]

Forgive me if this is rough and messy, im down with a viral illness and this is something I've been thinking about after reading some stories on reddit but...

Can we just... not frame illness or disability (or infertility, which for many is a kind of disability) as some kind of karmic punishment?

Like, if you don't like someone because they were nasty or even evil to you, that's fine. We can agree they were a Grade A Butthole with added haemorrhoids.

If something bad happened to that person, you're not evil for not being sad about it, or even feeling schadenfreude. Feelings are complicated, and wanting someone who hurt you to feel hurt is something many of us can understand. That's not what I mean here and I'm not going to dissect that further. This is also not to defend the person for being a butthole - they deserve to be criticised for poor behaviour.

But I always feel deeply uncomfortable when people in comments roll out the "Yeah! your nasty cheating ex is now infertile / in a wheelchair/ a depressed alcoholic, that's karma! The universe has a way!"

...Because you're inadvertently framing physical or mental disability or infertility as a whole...as a punishment. And by extension implying that people who experience these things did something to deserve it.

I know it can feel good in that moment to imagine that this is some evil person's reckoning and that everyone gets their comeuppance. But it's such a dangerous way to look at things.

We need to get away from this frankly outdated and damaging belief that a healthy body is a reward for spiritual purity and that illness is a punishment for sin. That a body which doesn't work quite the same as most people's... must be due to moral failings. These beliefs have very real and damaging effects in terms if how we as a society treat the vulnerable - the mentally ill, the homeless, those with addiction issues, those with sexually acquired illness, for example.

It's disturbing how often even people who declare themselves to be ostensibly atheist will turn around and basically say something surprisingly religious, in the worst way. And not realise that they've not yet examined where these beliefs are coming from.

Hate the evil cheating ex, by all means. Be glad that they are unhappy, if you want. I won't tell you how to feel. You don't need to wish someone who was a horrible person well. You don't have to like them, forgive them or dismiss what they did (we should hold them accountable). We can absolutely unite and agree that someone is/was a nasty person.

But don't ridicule them FOR being unwell. Don't link illness with a perceived moral failing. No matter how evil you think they are.

Because most people who are suffering the exact same thing are not evil and didn't do anything to deserve it. And by framing it as such, how do you think it affects the many other disabled people reading your comment? Do you think they deserve everything that happened to them? What exactly do you think someone has to do to deserve good health? How perfect do they have to be?

Most of us are going to experience disability some degree, in our lives. We need to stop treating it as a rare or freakish event and see it as part of the spectrum of human experience. Struggles with adddiction are very common and are a cry for help and not a moral failing. 1 in 10 couples experience infertility. It's so fucking disrespectful to the many people with disabilities. To my patients. To my friends.

And to me.

As someone with infertility issues, it's pretty bloody triggering to read a whole bunch of strangers gleefully declare that "infertility is just nature's happy way of making sure awful people don't reproduce". That maybe people who have recurrent miscarriages "should just give up" because "nature's trying to tell them something".

Like...how very *eugenics* of you.

As if...plenty of awful people don't have children and aren't awful parents? All the bloody time. Are you advocating for all children to be appropriately supported and looked after, do you support children in care? Trans and intersex children? Children with complicated physical or mental needs? Or is this just a way for you to pat yourself on the back that your presumed or proven fertility is a sign of your own moral superiority?

Do those commenters eschew all medical care when they are ill? Obviously not. Nor should they - because misguided and petty though they are, they are also entitled to seek care if they need medical help. But they seem to think that when anyone they disapprove of experiences health problems they should, what? Just give up and suffer in silence?

Modern medicine exist to treat a myriad of illness and help people manage a plethora of disabilities. It exists FOR people. You don't have to earn adequate healthcare, it should belong to everyone. People are imperfect. Messy. They make mistakes. They don't always the the best care of themselves. That doesn't mean that they don't deserve healthcare or dignity. Or that they deserve judgement and scorn.

Illness. Doesn't. Discriminate.

By which I mean, it doesn't CARE if you're a nice person or a horrible one. I know that society likes to tell us that if we work out, eat healthily and are positive, that nothing bad will ever happen and we can "organic food" our way out of being ill. But that's just patently not true. And I say that as a doctor.

In medicine we have a saying, that the worst things happen to some of the best people. Because we see people who are lovely go through things nobody should experience.

All the time. It's heartbreaking, because we don't like seeing bad things happen to perfectly decent people. It makes all of us feel uncomfortable and vulnerable and sad. But it happens all the time.

We need to be very careful about how we think of, and frame, illness in all it's forms.

[serial-unaliver]

this is probably like way too personal a question, but what sort of manipulative behaviours did you previously do that you stopped? im also bpd but when my friends threw me away they told me absolutely 0 of what i did so ive been like. afraid to do anything social situations terrify me now in case i might accidentally manipulate someone. since i dont know what i did ive been trying to learn by example from others (if this is too weird or personal please feel free to delete lol)

ok first i'm borderline with narcissistic traits so I don't have this issue (worrying about being manipulative) but it's not uncommon to have as a fear with bpd and the thing is manipulation in bpd is a defensive reaction - you aren't necessarily wanting to harm the person, but feel if you don't engage in certain manipulative behaviors, they will hurt or abandon you. this is different than someone manipulating with the intent of putting themselves 'above' the other and exploiting their insecurities for self benefit. so i'd say what to recognize is manipulation in bpd is erratic and extreme, not calculated, and also tied to fears associated with bpd like fear of abandonment. create some hypothetical situations in your head involving people close to you leaving or hurting you in some way and imagine how you'd honestly respond. the reason the hypothetical has to involve real harm and abandonment is because the manipulation is in response to what you perceive as oncoming harm or abandonment regardless of reality. one thing I used to do is start hurting myself in some way if I thought a person was going to leave me. I would do this to the point where the person would have to physically stop me, and now feel better knowing they're engaging with me at all again. also many times i've threatened to kill myself or another person in arguments. if i'm in an argument the anger level is never "normal". i'll usually eventually completely break down and start crying. now whenever I find myself about to become argumentative, I back off. other manipulative behaviors I have breach out of the bpd category so not really worth mentioning because they'd only be done by someone who knows what they're doing is manipulative and has decided it's the most self beneficial option (before anyone gets mad, some of these behaviors I also learned to recognize and prevent, funnily enough usually by putting MYSELF down).

[bloggingboutburgers]

Something that really ought to be said more... it's ok not to understand. To never understand even. (In the case of the reblog, understanding sex / peoples' fixation on both it and romance, but it can apply to anything.)

People can give all myriad of reasons they do or like something, but that doesn't have to change your mind about how you personally engage with it.

I think the only case where understanding matters is insofar having a greater understanding helps limit how much people hate something out of ignorance, but that isn't foolproof (people can understand and still double down, which I've seen happen a lot towards every hated group under the sun).

Aspec or not, your cultural upbringing and how you physically perceive intimacy of all kinds is going to affect both if you enjoy it and how you understand it.

For many, sex and romance isn't an important goal but a thing that just happens. The uniquity of it with "life" is worth questioning, especially in cases where people feel pressured to perform and participate in sex and romance. But for many it isn't something they plan for at all. They may include it in fanfiction or fanart (and yeah it absolutely is prevalent in that space the same way edgy ms paint furry art was prevalent in the early 2010s) but that inclusion is not a message to onlookers that they must themselves aspire to a relationship like the one depicted.

Thank you so much for this, it feels sincerely validating and... Yeah, like you said, it ought to be said more.

I gotta admit it's hard sometimes not to want to understand, when (as an aro/ace person, that is) you're pretty much incentivized to do so at every turn. Even if you're lucky enough to not have been treated as a prudish freak for expressing you're aro or ace, and finger-pointed with a "You should try to understand people's point of view better" (sic: very few people try to do the same for you)... Society is portrayed as just working that way, putting romance and sex as #1 priority is portrayed as "the normal thing to do", and in my own experience and a fair amount of aros and aces around me, it seems, it's not just "included" in fanfiction or fanart, it's... Aggressively prevalent. Like, 95% to be generous, possibly more. And it's not just fanwork either. Fiction and art in general are loaded with it. So... Yeah, it's kinda hard sometimes NOT to take all of this as a message that this is what we should aspire to and the way we are isn't valid.

But then even if you're lucky enough, like I am, to FEEL valid despite all that, it's still... Lonely. I wanna understand because some days, a lot of days, it seems it's the only thing people actually connect over, and even if I'll never feel the appeal, I wanna understand the logic behind it, at least that much, so I'm not made to feel like such an alien for wanting to focus on other things. I wanna know the reasons.

Another more personal thing is that when I was growing up as an aro-ace, before I figured myself out, I thought everyone else was blowing things out of proportion to an abnormal degree without realizing I was the "abnormal" one, and that lead me to see breakups with a very "well, duh, that's what people do, they break up" outlook and not understanding the devastation behind it. I've gotten better at it, but there's still a lot I just find myself smiling and nodding to without really getting it, and that hurt too, to a degree. I feel cold to my friends and to other people.

I know I shouldn't, because I am who I am and I don't love them any less or am any more unfeeling than them, and I know I guess I shouldn't feel too guilty for not understanding allo people because allo people in general, exceptions aside, will make little to no effort to understand me back, but... Yeah, it's hard not to, a lot of the time. So being told it's OK is definitely valuable and a relief, even if it won't make that feeling go away in me, it's still a relief. Thank you.

[ma1dita]

'en route' - i. imaginary friend

pictures are not mine, 3rd is a photo concept by @geloyconcepcion on ig

read along here (will update) : part ii, part iii, part iv

song of the chapter: revolution 0 by boygenius

en route playlist: here

words: 3.9k

summary: pt ¼ of ‘en route’. You and James are kindred spirits. Fighting in the First Wizarding War just seems to be your only escape.

warnings: no use of y/n, religious iconography sprinkled here and there, depictions of loss/war, angst, unhappy(?) marriage, fake marriage, twin flames vibe, they’re just kids they should be at the club bro

a/n: setting the scene is always so hard LOL. i love writing morally grey characters, please feel free to comment if you want to be added onto the taglist, or scream at me <3 thanks for the patience, you won’t have to wait as long for the next part lol

(posted 12/28/23, might come back to edit)

—

END OF MARCH 1980

There’s not a lot of things you like to remember about the year 1980. The memories blur together, highly repressed in a busy corner of your mind, and if someone held you at wandpoint to ask about what happened, you’re not sure where to begin. You don’t talk about it much anymore, but if you did, it wouldn’t be sufficient to put it in a few simple words.

And maybe if you did, the remembering wouldn’t hurt as much. With little physical things to hang onto, however—holding onto this hurt reminds you it was real.

From what you can remember anyway, it all started on his birthday.

You felt eyes on you as soon as you stormed into the room. In this congregation of people trying to save the world, it was easy to feel unseen in your struggles to keep moving forward. A pair of kaleidoscope eyes meet yours for a small moment, and that’s when you knew it was risky. It’s easy to hide in a crowd of Aurors enjoying the reprieve from the reality of the world outside of headquarters’ protected doors, fading into the background.

But he saw you, and that was terrifying–to be perceived.

Frank Longbottom pours you a pint, and you nod your head in thanks, taking a long sip before settling down into a chair at the bar. The same pair of eyes see through you, past your hunched frame, down to the core of your grief. Something about it resonates with him deeply, and the boys notice his attention is away from the conversation they’re having in the living room.

“She's pretty, yeah? French, I think. Never says more than a few words to anyone though, I tried. All business,” Sirius mumbles to his best friend over a glass of firewhiskey.

James looks up at Sirius from his position in the armchair, his head tilted to one side in curiosity at the way you fold into yourself.

"Yeah, I guess," James replies reluctantly. "I've never properly spoken to her, but I can tell she's very... mellow."

“Heard she lost people. The war hasn't been kind to her like it has to a lot of us. Don't know if she'll budge, Prongs. Some pages are best left unturned,” Remus says, shuffling a deck of cards between his scarred fingers. Sirius grunts in response, not caring for the conversation as he takes another sip of his drink.

James knows now what he recognizes within you. Grief has been looming over him too, latched onto his spine, weighing him down as the responsibilities grow by the day. His eyes flicker to his wife’s baby bump as she stands near the window laughing at something Marlene and Peter were acting out. Lily falling pregnant was his sign to get his shit together, because if he didn’t, who would?

Like a shadow, you shy away from the light and laughter that fills the room. But there was no escape once he started walking in your direction. There was no grandiose introduction, no heart-stopping, earth-shattering moment. Both consumed by grief unseen by most, two people sat at the bar in silent reverence of each other’s breathing, daring the other to say something.

“Didn’t know I was crashing your birthday Potter. Seems I don't have a gift,” you say suddenly, words rushing out as your eyes trace his profile.

A beat passes.

His head bobs up and for a second you think you’ve said the wrong thing until you realize he’s smiling. He looks up grinning like the devil, eyes meeting yours with a smile you could only describe as radiant. It stirs something deep within you, and you watch your hands reach toward your butterbeer to avoid his searing gaze.

“Terrible time to have a party anyway. I think it’s more for them than it is for me.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” you scoff lightly, and his head jerks towards you as you continue, “You’re a bit too happy for my liking.”

“Oh?” His body turns to follow, knees bumping against yours under the bartop.

“How come you know so much about me then? You don’t give any of us a chance with you.”

James says this jokingly, but a part of it rings true like a punch in the gut. You were so impressionable, left soft and malleable by the grief that became you that you found it quite infuriating that someone like him could be so happy in the middle of a war like this one.

A noise of acknowledgement leaves your throat and he watches your fingers clench around the glass. Too much? Change the subject.

“What’s the ‘T’ necklace you have on?”

The chain swings against your chest as you adjust yourself on the barstool, becoming aware of the weight of it.

“What?”

“What does it mean? Must be important to you, whoever this fellow is. See you wear it every day,” he says adamantly, before backtracking and realizing how stalkerish that sounds.

“Potter, have you never met a Christian?” Your eyes dart between him and his hands on the bartop, more glaringly, the platinum wedding band on his left hand. Surely, anything should be more interesting than conversing with a stranger at his own party.

“A who? Who’s Christian? Are you?”

The beginning of a smile breaks onto your face like daybreak. It’s refreshing, he thinks. He doesn’t think he’s made someone smile like that in a while.

“You idi–,” you exhale, “It’s not… Muggles don’t have magic like us, so they have belief systems. Higher power they believe in. Weren’t you Head Boy at Hogwarts, how did you pass Muggle Studies?”

“Elective. Do you believe in that stuff? God and what not?”

Your calf brushes his pant leg accidentally. Why can’t you stop fidgeting? He makes you nervous, all these questions, and then you blurt your response out in rapid succession that he’s almost unable to catch it.

“No. Maybe. My parents did, and God was important to them, so I wear this necklace because of it. They’re important to me. I used to before I found out I was a witch. Used to pray that God would save me, make me something other than mundane—well, here I am now. Not quite sure if he heard me.”

It hits you that the last time you’ve been able to speak about your parents like this was at their funeral two months back. Right before you joined the Order, and sitting here in front of James suddenly feels stifling. You roll your jacket sleeves up, hyperaware that he’s watching your every move.

He keeps his tone light, but the smile on his face is kind as he mutters, “You think some bloke up top is calling all the shots for everyone?” James says this without judgment and your breath quivers.

“I don’t know, but I think things happen for a reason. I’m still trying to find out what that exactly is.”

His pinky nudges yours on the sticky bartop, and his glasses slide down the bridge of his nose as he tilts his head in thought.

“Did. Is the believing past tense?”

You’re not sure what’s changed in the past few minutes that’s made you comfortable in his presence, but you crack a joke before you think too hard.

“My parents are. Past tense.”

Laughter spills out of you like the bubbles on your refilled pint glass, and James scrunches his face, holding back until his shoulders are shaking from the effort.

“Merlin….yeah. Mine too.”

Oh.

You look at him through your eyelashes, silence filling the space between you two as the rest of the party goes on in the background. James clinks his glass with yours, and there’s a silent understanding that bridges between you, connecting you together.

—

END OF APRIL 1980

“You know if we’re gonna be friends, you should probably call me James.”

The two of you were left sitting in the den to deliberate on the mission you were being sent at the end of this week. Three whole months with James Potter could be a nightmare. But it could also be quite fun, you think, watching him flick through the mission files with a quirk in his lip that can only signal mischief. Signing away your life wouldn’t be so bad if you had him to keep you company. You’d never tell him that though.

“Will we be? You don’t seem that excited.”

“Excited to be shipped away from everyone we know is definitely a statement, love.”

“I’m not eager if that’s what you’re insinuating. Just feel obligated, especially if it helps the cause. That’s why you’re here, right?” Right. In a war like this one, ordinary people like you and him pay the highest price. But nothing seemed ordinary about you, like a complex puzzle he was constantly wracking his brain to figure out. There are aspects of your personality that come to light the more he talks to you over these past few weeks, almost luring him in so he can unveil the secrets you hold. Why do you put yourself on the front lines like this, mission after mission? Who do you have in your life that makes you want to fight against the odds? What do you think of to keep you going? Why can’t he stop thinking about you?

He blinks, before looking at you, “S’not that I don’t want to go with you, and do my duty, I just…”

“You love it. I can see it in your eyes, you were trouble at school, weren’t you?” James’ smile gets wider, thinking back to the last few years, before everything went to shit. Back when it was easier, just him and his three friends, and his biggest worry was getting Lily Evans to look at him.

“Just a lot to worry about. People to take care of.” His mind falls back to his wife sitting at home, probably wondering why he isn’t back from the Order meeting, getting more agitated by the minute. He thinks of the nursery he still needs to set up, and the legal affairs he’s left behind after his parents’ death. He thinks of checking in on his boys, who barely know how to take care of themselves if they don’t come over for dinner, and finally, he exhales.

“You?“

It’s an honest question, and by asking it, he extends himself to you, an insight into the burdens he carries with him daily. The difficulty and complexity of having a large capacity to love is carrying the weight until you cannot.

“Just me and my rucksack. Gives me something to do.” You give him a tight-lipped smile, busying yourself with packing the supplies Dumbledore gave you two earlier. Vials of Polyjuice Potion, two golden wedding bands, magically enhanced IDs— it was like playing pretend. That’s all this has to be. Easy enough.

James looks at you and understands a bit more. You need this job. And if he’s being honest, so does he.

“I still wonder what would happen if it doesn’t work out, don’t get me wrong. But then I think, what if it does? What if no one else has to die?” A noise of agreement rises from his throat as he straightens his posture on the couch.

War shouldn’t be an escape, much less a distraction to two people grieving. There are countless muggles and wizards alike losing their lives to a genocide of people undeserving of a fate dictated by a person who plays god. But when you’re fighting for your life before you can even legally drink in some countries, there are two things left to consider when making a decision: to choose something difficult or to choose wrong.

And neither of you have ever found anything easy. Not in this life at least.

He sighs. James really needs to get home.

“Well…We will be friends by the end of this. I’m sure. Already gonna be married to you anyways,” he jokes.

“Don’t get used to it, what a pity that would be for your ego,” you gripe, but a trace of amusement is present on your lips as you watch him stand up to leave.

“We’ll see about that, love.”

He apparates home. Onto the next difficult thing.

When James told Lily that he’d be on a mission for the latter half of her pregnancy, she didn’t take it well. But to be honest, with everything going on, James couldn’t help but feel exasperated. How bad is his marriage that he’d rather risk his life instead of tending to his family’s needs? James sits at the dining table listening to her yell, and he feels extra heavy today, wondering how he feels so ancient at 20 years old.

Years ago he dreamed of this, a wife, kids, a pretty townhouse. But this isn’t what he quite imagined. He looks at his wife as she paces around the room, hand on her bump, red hair spreading little fires as she goes. She’s his everything. Truly. He spent years trying to even find that spark in her, dedicated his life to her, and gave up everything to take care of her—but she struggled a lot these past few months. Her pregnancy brought on incendiary words falling upon him like lashes as she blamed him for moving too quickly. Blamed him for the fact they’ve felt like strangers in this little house. But with his parents both sick, getting married seemed like the next right thing.

An owl flits to his kitchen window once Lily storms out again, leaving nothing but ashes of her disappointment in her wake. Ashes, ashes… James wonders where his spark has gone. He hates to disappoint.

Just wanted to owl and check in. I found myself thinking about you and wanted to make sure you’re okay, with everything changing so quickly. Hope you and your wife figure it out, I’ll be on the 11 AM Knight Bus tomorrow outside Diagon Alley regardless. See you.

He thinks of you, so brave and filled with a spark he used to recognize within himself. This isn’t wrong, he reasons, just difficult. But he won’t admit that taking his wedding band off before settling onto the couch was easier than he thought it would be. He feels lighter. As he takes off his glasses and stares at the ceiling of his living room that night, James wonders how much longer he can ignore his problems by not looking at them properly. How much longer does he have to carry the weight? When will someone help him carry the load?

For now, he tries to sleep. One step at a time, James. Like always. There’s a mission he has to start tomorrow. And he doesn’t want to disappoint you.

—

You’re not surprised when he turns up to your meeting point the next morning, not addressing him when you stick your wand hand out to summon the bus. He bites back a smile, knowing you were right and thinking you see right through him. Now look who’s the eager one.

After paying eleven sickles each, you lead him to a window seat, ignoring the babbles of other passengers as you look out the window.

“You ever think about all these people, with their little lives and everything they have to do?” you pipe up, head against the glass. James scoffs, “I always think about other people. Sometimes I wonder if anyone thinks of me like that. If anyone worries as you do over strangers.”

“I thought we were friends,” you say coyly, still not looking at him, and his heart skips a beat. Probably nerves. “You think Dumbledore cares that he’s sending off two teenagers to fight a war and save the wizarding world?”

“I’m an adult, thank you very much.”

“We’re kids, James,” You look at him, and he blinks at the sound of his given name falling from your lips that he almost loses the next part of your sentence, “we’re kids working towards a bigger picture of world peace. Isn’t that fucking insane that this what our lives amount to?”

He couldn’t agree more, but his forehead creases at your tone.

“Why do you act like your best years are behind you? There’s a lot to live for still,” he murmurs knowingly.

He pats your thigh and the only thing you notice is the tan of his hand against his missing wedding band. Soon it will be replaced by one that binds him to you, temporarily, but it’s jarring all the same. You shake off the uneasy feeling that rises in your stomach.

“You don’t know that.”

“I do.”

James is doing that thing again, the whole savior complex bit that you notice is one and the same with his trying hard to be carefree personality. But you’re coming to learn that James cares. A lot.

—

“Apartment 11B?”

“Uh, yeah.”

Two swigs of Polyjuice Potion did the job once you stepped off the bus and walked through town to the place you’ll inhabit for a fourth of the year, and quickly, you both become unrecognizable to even each other. A blonde eyebrow looks at you under James’ glasses at your hesitation, so you clear your throat.

“For Mr. and Mrs. Fawley. We just got married, you see. Newlywed jitters.” His voice is lighter and more posh as his hand reaches out to rest on your shoulder.

“Hmm, yes. Harry—er…Henrietta and Draco–” the receptionist squints at her paper, and you sigh at how pretentious the names sound together. Not in this life. You ought to wring Alice’s neck. That girl loves to make stories, and the more frilly your personas she created, the more difficult it’ll be to upkeep.

“No need, Etta and Drake are fine, love,” you say with a more confident grin, leaning against your faux husband.

The keys slide across the countertop, and you walk to the elevator, hand in hand until you’re out of sight. As you approach the door, James crouches a bit and puts his hands on his knees.

“What are you doing?”

“Jump up. Gotta carry you over the threshold.”

“Shut up, Drake,” reminding yourself to use his false name in case someone’s watching, but he looks at you with a shit-eating grin.

“Exactly. Just in case. Come on, just indulge me.” You shake your head in disbelief but hop onto his back all the same. Not exactly traditional, but it stirs up a feeling in you that you haven’t felt before. He carries you through the doorway and spins you once, twice, three times before you squeal and he giggles, placing you gently onto the sofa. It’s a cozy apartment with enough space for the two of you, cream walls, and a small kitchen with an island overlooking the entertaining space. The hallway leads to what you presume is the only bedroom, and there’s a nervous energy that sifts through the air as you both place protective charms everywhere, to ward off prying eyes and ears. How intimate. James falls back onto the sofa with a huff, sitting next to you, and both of you are unsure of what to say.

“I can take the sofa,” he says into the silence, and you turn to look at him incredulously.

‘For three months? James, I can't ask you to do that.”

“You’re not asking. I’m offering.”

“You’re gonna be hunched over by the end of the week. What if we rotate?”

There’s no disagreement, feeling the springs in the cushion beneath your bottoms already. James perks up, leaning over to grab something from his bag, and by the time he leans back up, he looks like himself again, the small dose of Polyjuice wearing off. You can feel your hair go back to its original shade and texture, and he smiles wider when he sees your face.

“Look what I got. Remus gave it to me back at Hogwarts but I never really used up all the film. Thought we could take some pictures and look back on this one day.” It’s sweet, how he loves his friends like they’re an extension of himself. You reckon you don't have anyone like that, smiling at him fumbling with the tiny camera in his hands.

“It’ll take a while to develop. Gotta keep it safe if we’re making it out of this,” you say, taking it from him and throwing yourself back onto the backrest leaning against him to point and shoot one of yourselves in this moment, disheveled and domestic. The flash goes off and he looks like a deer in headlights, making you cackle.

“You miss them?” He’s not sure who you’re referring to, so he rattles on anyway. He loves talking about the people he loves.

“The boys…Just miss being kids at Hogwarts, y’know? The end of the world back then was not getting enough O’s on NEWTs. You?”

“Mhm. None of them are in Britain though. They came for my parents’ funeral, and they always say they’ll visit but…That’s my fault too, I guess.” You tuck your leg underneath you, turning to face him, and he’s cuddled up against a throw pillow.

“Your parents were awesome. Didn’t know them well besides your dad being in the Order and stuff, but they were really brave. Your mom hugged me at my parents’ burial and I think that was the first time I let myself cry after they died. That’s one of the few things I remember from that day.”

A breath of air escapes your lungs at his anecdote. It’s been a few months since they passed but you’ll never stop missing them.

“I don’t remember a lot from theirs either. It’s all kind of been a blur since. I think I remember you and Sirius smoking in the back and him offering me a cigarette.” He laughs silently at the memory of his best friend.

“No one ever talks about how much there is to do after your parents die,” he says, and you roar with agreement.

“Yes! I’m still battling out their assets in court! It’s difficult to live life alone, thinking they’ve set you up for the future, but feeling like a rug’s been pulled out from underneath you. I just wish…They left this world together, y’know? And that’s great, but sometimes I feel selfish wondering what will happen to me.”

James nods slowly, taking your words in. He’s never had anyone to talk about this with, people pitying him instead, or acting like it didn’t matter, but it’s been almost a year and he can’t go to bed without thinking about how his parents died a week apart because even in death, they couldn’t be away for long. James wonders if you’ve noticed that he hasn’t talked about missing his wife, and the selfishness you mentioned prods at him. He smiles grimly, and takes the ring box from your bag, asking for your hand.

“Hey. You’re never gonna be alone again, alright? Not if it’s up to me.”

You roll your eyes as he flips the cover open, revealing the two gold bands, yours with a sizable diamond in the center.

“Do you think I’d give you that much power over me, James? This is all fake.”

“Fake marriage, but a true promise. I think you might, eventually.”

He slides the ring onto your left ring finger, sealing it with a gentle kiss on the back of your hand.

—

“The first time you caught my eye it was not love at first sight. Instead, a quiet curiosity was planted in my chest and I knew it was only a matter of time before you sunk beneath my bones and nurtured this deep-seated familiarity into a love so fierce that I would question if I had ever been in love before.” - Lyra Wren

general taglist: @jsjcue

en route taglist: @xcinnamonmalfoyx @babyclea @idkman5335 @timhalamet @ttulipwritezz @lilylovesu @thatonedogwithablog @lovemerigt

[featherandferns]

i just don’t get it why on risk/gamble she’s alway the one that is reaching to him

he hurts her and looks like he doesn’t even care. first with the parents thing, then he keeps lying to her, try to gaslight her when she found out about ashley, he keeps pushing her away and she is the one that always come back like this is sad

i doesn’t look like he loves her he is just comfortable with the relationship

Mmm I kind of disagree? The way I write JJ in Risk and Gamble is in a way that I think he would be in those situations, which are unfamiliar and daunting.

The reader is an intense and almost proud kook, not like how Kiara's a Kook, so JJ being apprehensive to meet her parents comes from the fear of being judged and rejected because of his social status. Think of how the cops view him; how Kie's parents view him. He's "living up to his name". He assumes everybody, especially the Kooks, hold such a preconception of him (then he sometimes leads a self-fulfilling prophecy but that's another point for another time). He's short tempered at the start of the night when meeting the reader's parents because his dad had just beaten him up (in the context of the show's plotline). But he does apologise and meets them nonetheless. He finds it hard to believe the reader when she tells him that her parents liked him.

He keeps lying to her because, like I say at the end of the fic in the conclusion, he's trying to keep her safe. He saw the danger that they were in with the Royal Merchant and thought if the reader doesn't know anything, she can't get physically hurt. But he didn't think about how that might be perceived by her. With Midsummer's, everything was so chaotic, and when the reader comes to save his ass with the security guard JJ can't face her because he's ashamed for being caught out in a lie. He told her he didn't want to go and then got caught whilst there. He feels guilty but doesn't want to face it (again, think back to the show: when he steals Kie's dad's money clip, he doesn't want to fess up to it immediately, and he tries to deflect).

With Ashley, that's JJ going on the defensive and trying to avoid the consequences of his actions. We see him act in such a way when he's emotional in the show: it makes him more reckless and spontaneous, and not always in a good way. Plus, think to how the reader is shown as jealous in Risk. He knows she probably won't respond well to that and what's the point in bringing it up when she's probably never going to find out (except she does because Ashley loves a drama). It's a moral dilemma. I don't exactly think it's gaslighting when he tries to avoid the question - it's similar to the money-clip with Kie again. He's deflecting. Gaslighting, to me, would be him saying, 'I never slept with Ashley; you're making it up.' But he doesn't. He just doesn't want to answer the question until he literally can't avoid it.

He pushes the reader away because, like I mentioned at the end of the fic, he wants to keep her physically safe and his own insecurities make him feel as though he isn't good enough for her.

He can't say "I love you" romantically because of his past trauma (something that is canon in the show now, with season 4).

I also think it's important to remember the ways people can show love, and JJ does with the reader all the time: the bracelet, letting her do his skincare, taking her fishing and praising her when she's successful, driving her home so she's safe etc. Yes, he's comfortable in the relationship like we see in their sweet scenes together, but don't forget that this sequel is now from the reader's point of view. We're experiencing things from her eyes.

Her boyfriend's not telling her where the bruises are coming from. Her boyfriend's late to dinner with her parents. Her boyfriend's sneaking into Midsummer's and not telling her why. Her boyfriend's giving a note to Sarah Cameron. Her boyfriend's leaving her out of a Pogue meeting. Her boyfriend can't say I love you. She'll start to spiral and overthink because, hello, who wouldn't?

BUT from JJ's point of view: his girlfriend is an easy target for some square groupers. His girlfriend lives a rather sheltered, safe life on Figure Eight. His girlfriend is already under threat from Rafe ("because of JJ" when she saved him in Risk), so he doesn't want to add more people that put a target on her back. His girlfriend could get murdered, full on murdered. JJ wants to keep the reader safe and apart from it all, but as things inevitably start to spiral, it gets harder to keep her separate. Then, the Ashley situation happens and that's just the catalyst for their fight.

Within that fight, JJ brings it back to being a Kook. He's somewhat deflecting, but his own insecurities that he didn't fully grapple with in Risk are still there. They just apologise and make-up, but they never address JJ's feeling of inferiority. He's not good at shining the light on himself and reflecting inwards, so instead, he pushes it onto their differences in socioeconomic status.

Yes, the reader "comes back" to JJ when Kiara calls, but if someone had called JJ - he would have come for the reader. I figured that moment in the show was the perfect time for JJ to let his walls down with the reader and be truly vulnerable. I like to think by mixing in the context of Gamble, he acted so reckless because he was already spinning out about the break with the reader. I reference this in Risk, too. People like JJ tend to lean into chaos when their life loses structure. JJ has proven this many times in the show (e.g. when he tries to break John B out of prison). The reader comes to JJ and he asks her to stay. You came: you called kind of thing.

The reader always comes back to JJ because she knows that deep down, there's a reason for what he does and why he acts the way he does. She knows that it's how he is and she's a forgiving person. We see that in the fic. Maybe that could be seen as a character flaw, that she is so forgiving. But that's a human thing: hell, I forgave my ex way too many times because I like to give people grace and room to grow. Especially with the religious connotations at the start of the fic and throughout, in-line with the reader's spirituality, the reader believes in forgiving and giving out second chances. Whether you agree or disagree with whether she should be so willing to give him another chance, that's up to you. But that's how I wrote her character. She sees the good in people, or at least tries to. That's why she agreed to go out on a date with JJ in the first place!

In the original ending of Gamble I wanted JJ to have more dialogue. After he tells her that he loves her, it was going to be more intimate and he was going to open up more and apologise more outright and so on. I couldn't include that because I ran out of space, but I might post an alternative ending as that may help translate the message more.

Also, just a side note, please ensure you're respectful when you leave critiques like that. I'm open to criticisms of my work because I want to make sure people can enjoy the stories I write. However, your inbox message is rather blunt and (if I'm honest) brutal. This is free content for you to consume. A free 22,000 word fic that takes up 50 pages of a google doc. A free fic that took me the course of one month to write due to other obligations and commitments. Just please keep that in mind when sending criticisms.

I hope this maybe clears a few things up.