#what do you mean it was written in 2010 and couldn't have been about them

[the-geeky-fangirl]

fucked up of taylor swift to write I can see you specifically for henry and alex and then not have the song be in the red white and royal blue movie ?

[secretlovezz]

Whiplash

Eddie Munson x Fem!reader

Summary: you've been avoiding Eddie like the plague and he's desperate to figure out what he's done to deserve it.

Warnings: hurt/comfort?? idk, kissing, fluffy ending, pining, idiots in love, use of y/n, she/her pronouns used for reader, reader is a crybaby ig idk she reacted how I would soooo, lmk if i missed anything!

Wordcount: 2010

A/N: Not really proofread and kind of written in a rush cause I wasn't feeling it about halfway through so sorry if you can tell 😞

You weren't there... again.

Your absence from your usual seat to the left of Eddie leaves him in a deep state of confusion his eyebrows furrowing in thought. This was the fifth day without your presence at his side, almost an entire week without your voice giddily telling him about the book you were reading or a new recipe you've tried, almost an entire week of being deprived of that perfect little gleam in your eyes when you looked at him rambling about something you enjoyed, and his heart ached in deprivation.

And because of this, he could with full confidence say you were avoiding him- but as to why he had no idea.

Eddie's silent at the lunch table staring at nothing in particular, and though the guys -especially the freshman- had finally learned to normalize Eddie's peculiar-ness and oddities this new silence and bleak aura had them surprised. He was stuck in his head racking through everything that's happened in the last week that could have possibly scared you away from him.

He thinks about the time he asked you for help with his math homework, but that couldn't be it considering that definitely was not the first time he'd asked and definitely was not the first time you'd happily agreed to do so. He reminisces about when he'd come to visit you during your shift at the local library in boredom playfully bothering you as you re-placed books onto the shelf.

He thinks and thinks and thinks but nothing comes to mind for your sudden evasion.

"Dude, you think any harder and steam will come out of your ears," Gareth rolls his eyes at Eddie, "What the hell's wrong with you anyway?"

Eddie leans back in his chair and dramatically throws his head back to look at the ceiling, his hair flows behind him and moves as people walk by, "She's avoiding me."

Dustin's head snaps up, still chewing his food he inserts himself into the conversation, "Who? Y/N? I just talked to her last period, she seemed fine," He shrugged.

At that Eddies head pops back up, eyes locking with Dustin's in a way that leaves the younger boy cringing, and the crease between his brows intensifies, "So she's still talking to you guys but not me?" He starts to pout a little by the end of his question.

Everyone sends looks to each other before slowly nodding and Eddie's forehead loudly makes contact with the cafeteria table, the guys wince in response.

"Well... have you tried- I don't know, asking her about it?"

The glare sent in Mikes direction after his question almost makes him apologize. Eddie heatedly scratches his head and groans in irritation; he'd tried more than a handful of times to get ahold of you, tried more than enough times to just hear your voice again but nothing worked. When he waited by your locker you would walk the other way, when he called you, you hung up as soon as you heard his voice, and worst of all you would throw out the little notes he sent you in class as you walked out and away from him once again.

"Duh! Of course I have," Eddies reply is laced with annoyance and frustration, "But I can't ask her anything if she keeps running away- I mean come on! She won't even look at me, man." His voice is soft and emotional when speaking his last sentence, He runs his hand over his face weakly and suddenly he feels like he's being pitied. He doesn't want that.

He hastily moves to pick up his things, thrusting the items into his little lunch box with more force than necessary with a pout on his tired face before standing from his seat and angrily walking away across the cafeteria, from the table and the others. They all sigh when he makes it past the cafeteria doors and after a silent moment Jeff is the first who speaks up, "So- When do you guys think they'll get over themselves and finally get together?"

《----------♡

When the last bell rings after what feels like years to Eddie he's swiftly making his way out of class and out of the building, but now what time would usually be spent merrily walking to his car and making plans to see you during the weekend was spent instead making his way into the woods strolling past trees and going to the little picnic table placed in that clearing he visits every once in awhile.

He stares at the ground and his feet as he treads, kicking rocks, stones, and branches on the way.

Eddies just about there just a few trees away from the clearing before he hears footsteps other than his own a little ways ahead of him he pauses head finally lifting to look in front of him and waits to see who appears.

To his surprise you pop into his vision and his round, brown eyes widen. He goes to take a step forward his body automatically and urgently trying to get to you, desperately needing to be near the drug that is you, but he stops himself to observe.

You sit at the table and pull a book out from the satchel bag at your side and a humorous huff leaves through his nose, his face relaxing and lips curling up at the sight of you doing something you often enthusiastically spoke to him about before realizing that its a book he does not recognize, that you had started a new one, and you hadn't told him like you usually would have. The thought wipes the smile from his face in an instant and his brows furrow for the nth time that day.

He steps forward and does not stop himself this time, sauntering toward you almost as angrily has he had left the cafeteria without your knowledge as you are already too engrossed in whatever new story you were traveling into. When he sits across from you at the table you feel it shift with the added weight and at last realize that you are no longer alone.

When you eventually look up, placing your thumb in-between the pages you were reading to keep your place, your heart drops at the sight of the frustrated man in front of you. You try to move away but he quickly grabs your wrist urging you to sit back down, you look at him again and the anguish written on his face makes you find your seat.

Your gaze moves to your lap and Eddie doesn't let you go too afraid you run away again.

Eddie is the one to break the stifling silence, "Talk to me... please?" The sound of his voice makes your heart ache so guiltily it hurts, "Just- Just tell what I did wrong- tell me so I can fix it."

Though your mouth opens to respond nothing comes out and your eyes gloss over with salty tears. Eddie's hold on your wrist moves to your hand gently cupping it in his calloused palm while his thumb moves to continuously swipe over your warm skin.

Your cheeks warm at the intimate contact and it only makes your eyes well with my tears reminding you of why you were ignoring him in the first place.

"When you-," You struggle to get the words out of your closing throat but Eddie still listens patiently, "Last time... you- you did something. It wasn't a big deal to you- but um... to me it- it meant a lot and that's kind of the problem."

The brunette across from you leans in closer and tilts his head in confusion, "What did I do?"

You glance to the side in embarrassment but Eddie's thumb taps you twice to bring your attention back to the conversation, "Talk to me Princess; Tell me what I did so we can go back to normal, I miss my best friend."

You didn't want to go back to normal.

For the first time in days your eyes connect with Eddie's and you take in a shaky breath at the sight of his enchanting eyes. "You uh- you kissed me..."

Now he's confused. He had kissed you? When? He's sure he would remember finally getting to kiss you.

Your free hand travels to your cheek and it all clicks for him, the pieces falling into place. He can't help but let out a chuckle of amusement; you were right- he had kissed you, kissed you on your cheek, that is, a sweet little peck against your skin. His laughter dies out when you rip your hand from his, the tears in your eyes spilling over.

Eddie stands and rounds the table to you, "Hey hey I- I'm I shouldn't have laughed. Don't cry, sweetheart." His hands place themselves on your elbows as your hands move to cover your face. He starts to feel like that little kiss really did more than he had thought.

"Did it make you uncomfortable? I won't do it again I promise," You shake your head at his words, "Talk to me, baby."

"Don't do that! Don't call me those names if you don't mean it," Eddies eyes go wide at your outburst and his mouth opens to speak but you beat him to it, "you- you kiss me and call me those names and I- It's just too much... I like you too much."

All too quickly Eddie is forcefully removing your hands from your face and cupping your cheeks thumbing the tears from your skin, "I like you too much too."

"Don't be mean Eddie."

He connects his forehand to yours, both of your eyes closing at the closeness, "M'not, would never joke about that." His soft pink lips brush gently against yours as he speaks and your breath hitches. Your lips part slightly and your cold breath fans Eddie's face. "How can I show you I mean it hm? How 'bout... a real kiss?" He mutters. You nod all too briskly for someone who was just crying and it makes Eddie smile.

In the fullness of time Eddie presses his lips to yours and when he finally gets the taste of your lips on his he realizes he's waited entirely too long to do this despite being willing to wait an eternity for you. He's been starving for the absolute goddess that is you, now getting to satisfy that hunger digging in with no resistance and sliding his tongue past your lips flushed against him. The ache he had felt without you there fading once and for all as you kissed him back. Your hands atop his squeeze as a noise escapes the back of your throat and Eddie kisses you deeper at your audible reaction. He wants to consume you, wants to keep you so close you never leave his side, he needs it- needs you and makes sure it shows in the way he kisses you.

When he pulls away your both panting for air, Eddie's grin is smug on the top of your head and your arms are wrapped around him.

"I can't believe you made me feel like shit for an entire week just cause I gave you a lil' kiss on the cheek," Eddie mocked trying to get a quick quip in.

"Shut up! It totally freaked me out."

His loud cackle echoed in your ears and you smiled, pulling him closer and pressing your nose into his skin. Eddie's arms moved to wrap around you as well and his large hands snake around you also trying to squeeze you impossibly closer. He presses a fast peck on your cheek, then your temple, and then the top of your head. Eddie takes a deep breath inhaling the scent of you- memorizing it.

"Promise you won't do that to me again. Don't leave me alone like that again."

"I won't Eds, I promise."

"Besides! What are you going to do without me here being oh so entertaining huh?"

You laugh, "I have no idea."

[jo-harrington]

Become What You Were Meant To Be (Eddie Munson)

Word Count: 2.4k

Themes/Warnings: Modern!Eddie, Older!Eddie, set in the mid-2010s, fandom lingo, nerd lingo, Star Wars, typical childhood bullying, angst, minor FOI reference, some canon divergence, coming of age themes, probably poorly written and not edited at all

Note: Happy Birthday to one of the backbones of this fandom, who supports and encourages so many of us, whose endless friendship I am so grateful for. Someone who has absolute endless creativity but doesn't give herself enough credit and grace, who is secretly sitting in the background pulling the strings on some of the best stories I've read and I've written. My muse, my life, my world, my cheeseburger. @fracturedarkness

Thanks to @dr-aculaaa for the beta.

You can find my masterlist here.

Please do not interact if you are not 18+.

Enjoy!

---

Eddie Munson was a nerd.

Point blank, end of story.

It was one of those badges he wore along with Freak and loser and...well, you get the gist of it. But it was a badge worn with pride. He owned his identity. Wasn't afraid to show everyone he came across who he was.

It hadn't always been that way.

There used to be a time when it felt like the worst thing in the world to be a nerd like that. The kids bullied him because he got overly excited talking about his favorite characters and favorite books that they found boring. They all teased him when he wrote stories about exciting heroes from fantastical worlds in English class, even though the teacher told him that his stories were ambitious and imaginative. And when he spent lunch doodling in his notebook instead of playing kickball or foursquare? Well, you get the point.

"You're so weird." They mocked him. "You're a freak. Draw normal things. Like normal things. Why can't you just be normal?"

It was cruel, in the way that children naively become perpetrators of cruelness. And it made Eddie sad.

Because what did that mean? He couldn't draw normal things, or like normal things, or do normal things. Then he wouldn't be himself anymore.

And that was the point where he decided normal was overrated. Why would he want to be normal when he could be...anything else.

He could pretend he was one of the Pevensies upon a throne at Cair Paravel. Or one of the Ghostbusters. Or a Jedi...

Of course, he couldn't actually be anything else; he was stuck being boring, old, nerdy Eddie Munson.

It wasn't until middle school--you know, middle school, when everyone decides to embrace who they are and become an individual--that he decided being Eddie Munson wasn't all that bad after all.

This epiphany definitely didn't happen after a Hot Topic opened up at StarCourt Mall. No sir. Not when one of the older kids that worked there, sporting armfuls of tattoos and a lip ring, told him the pen drawings on the toe caps of his sneakers were cool. Of course not. And not after he used the last bit of his birthday money to buy a cool band t-shirt and colored hair gel. Pssshhh...

So on the first day of 8th grade, he showed up rocking his dad's old leather jacket--the one that practically swallowed him--jeans that he ripped himself and a poor excuse for a mohawk, ready to accept the Freak label proudly.

He also accepted detention for breaking the dress code.

And a grounding from Wayne for cutting up a nice pair of jeans.

And a buzzcut because he'd done that poor of a job of cutting his hair for that mohawk.

But he'd gained a friend.

Several friends actually.

Ronnie Ecker and Doug Teague. They were both in the same grade as him, and shared many classes. And it might have been a little embarrassing, but a sixth grader named Jeff who told Eddie that he was his hero. That made Eddie feel like he was on top of the world!

They were friends that stayed with him all through high school, and when he repeated his senior year twice, even more joined the mix along the way.

Band kids and science fair nerds and...and...and...

He called them his sheepies, and he their shepherd clad in black band tees and ripped jeans.

And Eddie?

Eddie just got nerdier.

Got weirder.

Dug himself deeper into the pit of stark individualism that the close-minded town of Hawkins didn't know how to react to.

It was glorious.

He listened to music that made other kids cringe and turn away and neighbors complain about the noise; he liked it so much that he made his friends start a band with him. They played at every single school talent show until they graduated; they never won and sometimes people tried to plug their ears, but to Eddie and his friend, their sound and that stage was exactly what their hearts yearned for. To them, the auditorium might as well have been Madison Square Garden.

He started playing Dungeons and Dragons--started a club of his own design, Hellfire--when he found the guidebooks on a dusty shelf at the library. They were seemingly untouched since their initial publication in the 70s, but they were like a key that unlocked something inside of Eddie. Something that he seemed to have forgotten along the way of reclaiming the name "Freak."

Through DnD, the imaginary worlds that he left behind early in his adolescence opened their doors to him once again.

And his friends, his players, never made fun of him for knowing the ins and outs of the worlds of their fantasies. Worlds like Greyhawk and Faerûn.

Worlds like a certain galaxy far...far away...

---

Eddie's re-entrance into the world of Star Wars had been...an interesting one to say the least.

To Eddie, Star Wars meant the original trilogy. Cut, print, sign the check.

When he thought of Jedi, he thought of Luke Skywalker and Alec Guinness as Obi-Wan and a puppet Yoda. And of course he thought of the dreaded Darth Vader.

Yeah he had his books from the library, a whole extended universe with Mara Jade and Jacen and Jaina. But he'd missed out on the prequels growing up; from being a little too young to see them in theaters, to the whole fiasco of his mother's passing right before Revenge of the Sith had premiered.

As he got older, the need to see them just wasn't there, and hearing from friends and enemies alike that it wasn't anything to write home about was the nail in the coffin.

Until he met one Dustin Henderson.

It was the Jar Jar Binks t-shirt he wore on the first day of his freshman year that got Eddie's attention.

"What is that?" he flicked a finger against the graphic as he ran into Dustin and his friends in the lunch line. "Something from that new Star Trek movie?"

Cue a whole rant about the Gungans and the Separatists and an inter-galactic conflict that made Eddie happily fold Dustin and his band of nerds into the protection of the Hellfire Club.

Eddie still refused to watch the prequels, no matter how much Dustin begged.

"I like it when you guys talk about them," Eddie shrugged off the pleas. "Even better when you guys act out the whole fight between Anakin and Obi-Wan. I'd sell my left nut to relive seeing you and Lucas do that in Wheelers basement; it was the best day of my life Henderson, I swear to god. There's no way the movies could actually beat that."

He hasn’t expected that those little idiots would trick him into a movie marathon for Lucas's birthday.

Even Gareth was in on the whole plan. Traitor.

But it was the beginning of the end.

From the movies to the books to the cartoons, Eddie's love of Star Wars was rekindled. He even spent a short stint as a gamer playing The Old Republic on the old PC that was tucked into the corner of the trailer.

And when a new movie was announced, Eddie happily took his nerd-dom to the next level.

Yes, he was the one to suggest they all dress up for the midnight showing of The Force Awakens, but if anyone asked it was Mike.

He spent hours on a stupid Boba Fett costume. It was a different set of skills to the mini-figures he was used to crafting for DnD. He had to think on a different scale. Hot glue and spray paint and too much cardboard. Only to find real cosplayers used foam, not cardboard. His paychecks from Thatcher Tires went straight to the project, until he had something halfway decent for the premiere.

"What?" he laughed along with his friends when they joked about the hot glue spiderwebs that he'd been too lazy to clean up. "It's not like I'll have to do this again; we're not dressing up next time."

Or so he thought...

There was something so magical about sitting in a movie theater, in the middle of December, at midnight, surrounded by other people who decided to dress up for the occasion, and a few dozen plastic lightsabers all lit up.

To listen to the theme, to read the crawl on a big screen, to see the camera pan down into the vastness of stars...

This was what it was to be a nerd.

There was something extra special about finding a new favorite character. Something that touched something deep down inside of you when you saw something of yourself in them.

And Eddie had always been drawn to the villains. Whether in the media he consumed or the characters he created for DnD. He knew why; he wasn't totally oblivious. To be the hero of his own story, he often had to become a villain to someone else.

Besides, villains always had a little bit more fun.

So when Kylo Ren first made his way on screen, Eddie knew that he was done for.

The mask, the lightsaber, the Dark Side of the Force, the anger...how many times had he almost given in to the anger he felt at being mocked and teased. He'd overcome that time and again; what if he'd just given in?

There was also something about being Al Munson Han Solo's son.

Yeah. He could understand the anger there.

But then he was also Elizabeth Leia's son...the conflict.

It took Eddie a few days to get over the initial flurry of thoughts after seeing Force Awakens for the first time. That was when he realized he needed to see it again. And again. A matinee showing on Christmas Eve with Wayne, who he also treated to lunch. The last showing on a Thursday in January. Another outing with the guys, refusing to admit that he'd already seen it a few times between opening night and then.

Thankfully, this time, Mike was the mastermind behind their plans for the next movie as they waited for the previews to finish.

"So," Mike sat up straight. "I think I wanna get an early dibs on dressing up like Poe when Episode 8 comes out."

"I think I wanna try my hand at making an Admiral Ackbar costume," Dustin said with utter confidence, and then turned to Eddie. "What about you?"

It caught Eddie off-guard for a second; should he just say Kylo? Did they expect him to want to dress up as anyone else? Maybe they thought that he would want to be Poe, leader of their misfit group as he was.

"Eddie's obviously Kylo," Jeff piped up. Eddie's head immediately turned to him. "What? Don't think we didn't watch you drool over that lightsaber last time."

"And his ship?" Gareth cackled one seat over. "Fuck the Falcon. I swear, if you could turn the van into something that looked like that ship..."

"Oh my god, you're right!" Lucas cackled.

"Hey I think I could figure out a pretty convincing Snoke," Eddie argued, trying to deflect their teasing, but secretly pleased that he'd gotten exactly what he wanted.

And that his friends knew him so well.

---

For two years, Eddie worked on his costume.

Two. Years.

He was practically a different person by the time of the Last Jedi's opening night.

And yeah his motivation faltered, but he never quit.

It was strange, the need to perfect the costume. He’d almost given up many times. When there was a certain skill he wasn't good at or when he'd felt like it would never be finished. Every time, he felt like that silly kid who everyone just told to be normal. To like normal things.

He was growing up. He was a grown up! Shouldn’t he be passed all of this…silliness? Everyone else in the world seemed to think so, as they put away all the frivolities of childhood. Were they working round the clock and pricking their fingers on needles and burning themselves with hot glue?

Probably not.

Eddie found himself still stuck there, watching a world lose its joy and think that it was normal, and he always wondered if he should try to be normal too. For once in his life. The first time in his life.

But every time he thought about letting it all go, about putting his dream aside...something would come and drive him to keep going.

New promotional images, a new trailer. Especially the ones focused on Kylo himself.

"Let the past die," Kylo Ren grumbled in the voice over. "Kill it if you have to."

That became Eddie's driving force.

He owed it to himself to finish. He owed it to his younger self...not to let his dream die...to keep being weird and nerdy and happy.

"Let the past die," Eddie told himself as he stitched the hem of the tunic the week before opening night.

"Kill it if you have to," he said as he distressed the plastic helmet that he'd ordered, giving it the right amount of realism so it didn't just look like something so fake and commercial.

"Let the past die," his child self muttered, front teeth missing from the day Johnny B pushed him over on the playground because he was playing superheroes wrong. Eddie put a hand on his head and then stepped into his boots.

"Kill it if you have to," his preteen self urged him, self-assured, mohawk looking stupider than he realized way back when. Eddie flicked his ear good-naturedly before adjusting the cape on his shoulders.

There he stood--Eddie Munson, the young man, the freak, the nerd--in his bedroom before the mirror. He was adorned in pieces of foam and layers of fabric from the craft store, helmet tucked under his arm.

But in the mirror itself? There was Kylo Ren...there he was as Kylo Ren. In the hallway of a Star Destroyer, layered in armor and the shadows of the Dark Side itself, like he was ready for a battle with the Resistance.

Ready for the battle within himself.

But there was no battle, and the armor was actually Eddie's skin. This was his real self, his true self. All of his work came to fruition, all of the time and effort that he put into the craft. Not just two years working on a costume, but an entire lifetime poured into becoming an Eddie Munson who proudly wore the title nerd and freak and loser.

The destroyer melted away, and he was back in his bedroom once again. Surrounded by posters and books and drawings, by all of his crafts and his guitars and his endless clutter.

He smiled at himself, feeling lighter than he had in a long time.

Eddie Munson was a nerd, and as he lit the lightsaber and he was washed in a glow of crackling red light, he knew that this was who he was always meant to be.

[mayasaurusss]

Day five: visiting a video-store. I did this as quickly as possible! I wanted to make headcanons, then I liked the plot of this too much and one thing led to another so, here! There is mentioning of an oc-friend. I couldn't keep the reader's friend nameless so she'll be called Ollie!

"Come on, hurry up!" the voice of your friend calls, muffled through the door of your apartment. "Comin'!" you finish putting on your scarf and shoes, hurrying to open the door where your friend is waiting for you.

"Finally! It felt like you were taking forreverrr" Ollie says, rolling her eyes and turning to look at you. "What?!" humming, she looks you up and down, almost scanning you. "Interesting choice of clothing" you look at her dumbfounded, then at your clothes, then at her again. "What's that supposed to mean?!", she shrugs, playing dumb with you, "Nothing! Let's just go". "No no no! What was that supposed to mean?!"

Ollie huffs, clearly bothered "Do you really have to go to this... vintage movie place?" she asks you, fiddling with the buttons of her jacket. "We went everywhere you wanted. Don't I deserve a threat too?" you answer her, thinking of how you went to at least three different clothing stores.

"Yeah it's just...maybe we could have done something more funny. Like clothes shopping. Or even watching a movie" she says the last part as if it's an accusation of some sort, likely calling you a nerd in her head. You pinch the bridge of your nose and bite your tongue, telling her "We can go watch a movie later".

A friend of yours has told you about this place. He told you that he comes here often, searching for classic and more obscure movies. His exact words were "Whatever you need, she has it".

The vibrant color of the icon shines underneath the light rain, written in black the words 'While you were streaming' pop up from the white background. "Ugh, it looks so tacky" Ollie wines, shielding herself from the rain with her bag.

"Well, you can always stay behind and get wet if you wanna" you step towards the door, hearing her mutter something beneath her breath and follow you. When you enter, a bell chimes above you and with its sound you're brought into a small, colorful world.

The insides of the store are lightened by various coloured insignia. One shines above the cashier check, which promotes movies picked by the staff. Shelves are filled with a multitude of different DVDs genres, from the '80s to 2010's. The latest movies all sit in a corner of the shop which hasn't still been tidied up.

"Still think this place is lame?" you turn around to look at Ollie but she has already gone off, searching for God knows what in the corners of the store.

You, on the other hand, have really no idea what you should pick. There's too many choices and you don't have the time to make any decision. The answer to your problems comes to you, in the shape of a stunning woman. "Hi! How can I help?" the woman asks you, giving you a smile. She looks so cool that it makes your heart skip a beat. You don't even notice that you didn't answer yet.

"Uhhh- Hello? Are you there?" she waves her hand in front of you and breaks you out of your tranche. "Oh. Uhm yeah! Sorry, I wasn't very focused" your cheeks start to heat up and you rub them with your fingers to shoot the sensation.

"I could tell. Do you need something?" she rests her hands on the counter and you can't help but wonder at how they look, how they flex, how they'd feel wrapped around your-.

You try to push your thoughts away, ashamed and mortified by them. "Uhm, I want-wanted to watch a movie tonight but I don't have any idea which. Do you have any recommendations?".

You see the older woman's eyes lit up, as if you've lit a fire that laid dormant for a long time. "Well, first let's round up a bit. What genre do you like?" she rounds up the counter, letting you see her in full view. Despite the cold weather, she's wearing a brown short sleeved shirt and a pair of blue jeans. When she turns around to look at you, you notice a pair of scars on her skin. They have healed a long time ago, but their lines are still embedded on her.

"Uhm. H-horror, comedy, those kinds of things..." you hope she didn't notice your stares, you would feel dirty and weird if she had. "Ok, perfect. To get into the Halloween spirit, I suggest you watch any of the Addams Family movies" she takes a couple of vhs tapes and hands them to you. "The originals are also pretty good" she continues to pull out tapes and push them in your arms. "Then, as the month goes on, watch progressively more scary movies. You can go with Scream, Friday the Thirteenth, Nightmare on Elm Street and so on".

"If I were in you, then, as Halloween gets closer, I'd watch movies like The Exorcist, Veronica and The Blair Witch Project" by now she managed to create a pile of tapes, which are in danger of falling all over the floor if you make a wrong move.

"You know, when it came out I was in my early twenties. I bought a ticket the first night the movie aired" the woman tells you, looking for yet another tape in between the shelves, which by now are significantly less crowded than before. "At the time, we weren't sure if it was real footage or if it was just acting. To us, it felt very real. I remember I was pretty shaken up the nights after" she remembers how, for the days to come, she was scared to leave any light off inside her home and had to constantly hum a tune or the silence would have made her hear things.

"Well that's all" she returns to the cashier check and opens a plastic bag with the store's logo on it, carefully stacking the tapes on top of each other. You'd feel bad about telling her after she meticulously put all the tapes in the bag, so you interrupt her. "I - I am sorry, but I don't have the money to buy all these vhs tapes..." you feel like you've made a fool of yourself. She was so nice and helpful and you don't even give her the shadow of a coin.

She gives you a calm smile "Oh don't worry, it's in the house". You gasp, earning the woman's attention, "Really?!". "I mean, you gotta return them, but yes" finally the last tape is in place. She makes sure they are all stacked up and hands the bag to you, which feels heavy in your hands.

"Is this the store's policy? To return stuff?" She starts to tidy up around the table, randomly moving things out of the way. Her eyes seem slightly nervous "Well, yeah. But I don't give my precious tapes to just anyone".

"But you look like you could be a movie nerd, so I gotta, how do you say...educate you on all kinds of movies" as if she has found some kind of deep hidden courage in her heart, she meets your eyes and winks at you "besides, you look cute, so I'll give you a free pass". You can feel your heartbeat in your ears and your face suddenly seems to get dangerously hot. You try to move your lips, to say anything to her, but nothing comes out.

"You finished or what?". Of course, Ollie comes in, ruining the moment. Not that you were having any, your incredible social skills aren't enough to grant you the strength to have a normal social interaction.

"Y-y-yeah I have just f-finished" anyone could tell that you were having a hard time controlling the heat in your cheeks. "Fantastic. I'm gonna wait for you out" Ollie is about to step outside the store before the woman stops her. "Haven't you gotten anything?" she asks, looking if Ollie has any suspicious tape-looking thing hidden in her bag.

"I dunno, there's nothing that fits my style here" she says shrugging, walking out of the shop, followed by the ding! of the bell. "Whatever you say" the woman gives a little smirk at your friend's antics and resumes tidying up. You feel so embarrassed, both by Ollie's actions and the blatant flirting of the woman. Your voice stutters a bit as you try to give an explanation to her "Uhm so, my friend is kind of an asshole. Don't mind her". She smiles at you but doesn't answer.

Fuck it. You only live once, no?

"Uh... I have to go, but" you take out your phone, already on the add contact screen. "I would like you to give me more suggestions. Mind... Switching phone numbers?". She seems a bit taken back by your words, like she didn't fully expect to hear them. A small smile appears on her lips, a genuine one. One that she doesn't give to customers. One she hasn't made in years.

"Sure" she grabs a sticky note and quickly writes her number on it. Her calligraphy looks worse than usual, thanks to the nervous shaking of her hand. "Here" she gives you the paper and watches as you store it in your wallet. You smile at her, so sweet that it makes her heart beat fast. She wonders how it would feel to have your lips pressed on hers.

You thank her for being so gentle and helpful with you. You wave and proceed to step towards the store entrance.

"Wait!" her voice catches your attention sks you turn back to see her give you a small, confident smile, "I'm Vanessa, by the way".

[zannolin]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @beautyofsorrow, tagging @lordgrimwing @faebriel and anyone else who wants to do it!!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

publicly associated with my account, 45. in total, including a couple i orphaned before i knew you could put them on anon, 84 i believe. 85 if you count the two chapters of that leakira zine i wrote that are up there somewhere. i could be off. but i forgot how to get to where it shows me the total number and i can't be bothered lol.

2. What's your total A03 word count?

438,464 baby. maybe 500k in 2024? who knows.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

ones 90% of you have never heard of, at this point. it fluctuates depending on whatever i'm getting ideas for, but actively at the moment, the mullverse (mostly beyonders), resident evil, and lockwood & co, national treasure (might be done with that tho, i've exhausted my must-writes). i have other stuff knocking around, like life is strange, mona lisa smile, mlp, some more shazam, bendy and the ink machine, a tlou fic...but who knows.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

ugh. 1. in this fearful fallen place (i will be your home) 2. welcome home, theseus 3. sanctuary 4. i'll carry the weight of you, i swear 5. eat you alive. it says a lot that only one of those is still publicly listed on my profile. even then i'm tempted to put it on anon. they're only my top kudos'd by virtue of being from a big fandom. definitely not my best. at all. even within that fandom. free me and my stats page.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

not all of them, but i make an effort when comments are thoughtful or especially brighten my day. it's easier now because writing for smaller very niche fandoms you don't tend to get a lot so i don't feel overwhelmed or anything, but man responding is hard sometimes. i want people to know they made me happy, though, when they do. so i try.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i mean there's that tododeku one where they both die brutally and were supposed to get married next week. there's also the batcat fic that i wrote solely for the purpose of killing bruce wayne (sorry). there's um. also the klance titanic (historical not titanic the movie) au i wrote ages ago. haha. yeah. anyway.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

all of them. hfdsjkhfs no i honestly couldn't tell you. i have a mike flanagan-ass idea of a happy ending these days. maybe three's a crowd? hell if i know.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i've had a couple instances of people harassing me over them but never like. "your fic is so bad i hate it die". so maybe?? i'm too obscure to be getting hate at this point lol. who out here is gonna read beyonders fic just to comment mean things.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i do not. i did try years ago. that notebook has since been put through the shredder and dumped into the recycling bin for good measure. (yes, it was that bad.)

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

technically no but i've thought about it sometimes. they've all promptly fled my head though so just trust me on this one.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

gee i hope not. there's been a lot of suspicious similarities in some old cases but like. that literally does not matter to me anymore idc. it's not straight up theft in any case so not to my knowledge ig?

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

again not to my knowledge but i do have blanket permissions for that if anyone ever wanted to. it's cool.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

back in the 2010s my friend and i were writing a warriors fic together. she did one chapter, i did one, etc. i've had collaborative aus as well (cat's cradle and whatnot) but not a collaboratively written fic for any of them. me and tam were writing the coma au together but we're no longer in the fandom for that anymore, rest in peace coma au you were genuinely wonderful. i'm not opposed to the idea of collab fics but they always feel like a lot of work and i'm way way way too anxious to approach anyone about them.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

ah hell. i dunno. do i have to pick one?? like right in this moment i'd say locklyle and they've been here a hot minute (like. ten years almost) but i don't really have A Favorite I'd Choose Over Anyone Else.

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

mm. penumbra anastasia au haunts me. i want it out of my wips folder. also wild geese is probably never getting finished ever. i do think i'll get split ends done eventually but that one's taking forever. as for ones not posted, well, rip the gospel tent au. i might try to convert it to a short story but lord. i don't know. and don't get me started on the final girl au or the empty grave possession au. throwing myself out a window. they'll never be done i'll never be free.

16. What are your writing strengths?

uh. i honestly don't know anymore. knowing exceedingly tedious canon details to the point where i can make all sorts of metaphors and allusions relevant to said canon? i really couldn't say. introspection i guess.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

yes. next question

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i have an overbearing anxiety that i will fuck it up somehow since i am a monolingual american loser. if i ever did need to i would definitely see if there's any native speakers willing to help translate or whatever bc i am not relying on google translate for that.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

like liv, lord of the rings. i still have my first fanfic btw. it's written on tinkerbell notebook paper.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

it changes. if i were to be completely objective (or as close as i can get), completely removing my emotions on fandom from the equation, prob without anesthetic. because i think i constructed it just right. being a dirty little subjective, right now i think it's three's a crowd or swallowing jupiter or the swing of things. they're all wonderfully unhinged.

[hms-no-fun]

honestly i see this attitude as having even worse effects. in general it creates an uneven power dynamic, built on a false binary of "victim" and "abuser" (words that are used regardless of severity or context) in which no nuance or mutual participation can be acknowledged. not only does the vitriolic response to public apologies encourage doubling down in some people, it also encourages self-flagellation in many others. i cannot tell you how many friends i have whose lives were ruined by people insisting on a one-sided narrative that they couldn't possibly protest without looking like they were deflecting or playing the victim. worse, most of those friends DO feel some measure of guilt for their actions. they've seen how powerful people flagrantly flaunt their immunity to consequences and absolutely don't want to be that person. they want to admit that they're wrong and take responsibility and learn and not cause harm. but the impossibility of escaping the shadow of even the most unfounded accusation or your-fav-is-problematic-style bullet point leads them to believe that it would be irresponsible of them to show their faces in public, to try to make a living online even if that's the only career option available to them.

most of the people i know who've actually been "held to account" largely held themselves to account. they believe they're broken, irredeemable, vile humans because surely someone wouldn't lead a crusade with such conviction if there wasn't a real truth to it. of course there happens to be a spectacular overlap here with autism/adhd/personality disorders, not to mention transfemininity. folks who mean well but struggle with social cues and often need to learn from experience what is and isn't appropriate, in an environment where all anyone has to go on is the voiceless disembodied written word into which all manner of ill-intent may be read. this is not a blanket exoneration of bad behavior, nor an insistence that anyone on the receiving end is obligated to react in any specific way! i fucked up in my 20s more than once and there are people who have every right to never want to talk to me again. but like. let's be real. this is true of basically everyone to some extent. it's like that post about how we have to accept that sometimes our boundaries WILL be crossed and that shouldn't be treated as a universally evil thing. every single one of my best friends today has crossed a line at some point, has hurt me or neglected me in some way. the reason we're still friends is that i talked to them about it, not with anger or accusation or a demand for material recompense but out of a desire to present both of us an opportunity to be better, and they chose to be better. and they, in turn, have done the same for me when i crossed a line. yes, sometimes there are people who scoff at your boundaries and insist that you're too sensitive, and it's perfectly reasonable to cut those people off if they refuse to budge on that position (though it's FAR LESS reasonable to spread rumors or make callouts about such a person). but in my experience, most people will hear you when you approach them in good faith and explain how and why they hurt you, because the fact is that most people want to be good and avoid harm.

no one is born a finished person, and they don't die as one either. we're always learning, growing, and changing. i had a freshman college english class in 2010 where we did a mock debate about repealing don't ask don't tell, the policy against allowing openly gay people in the military. and while i couldn't give a fuck about military policy, it was clear this debate was also a proxy for whether or not we should legalize gay marriage. i was one of two students in a class of 25 who argued in favor repealing don't ask don't tell / legalizing gay marriage. but i fucking guarantee you at least half of those students are queer allies today. hell, some of them probably are openly queer now! how many of those people were liberals then (as i was) but have grown to support if not openly identify as socialists (as i have-- well, as a communist, but you get the picture)? we are all subject to the process of combined and uneven development, and holding everyone you encounter to your arbitrary universal gold standard at all times is simply uncharitable and fundamentally self-destructive. by refusing to allow others to make mistakes without punishment, you rob yourself of the chance to see your fellow humans for the flawed, multifaceted beings they are, as well as the ability to see yourself as a natural part of that mosaic. you make yourself a center of moral gravity in automatic opposition to anyone that doesn't immediately conform to your expectations. you close yourself off from humanity and become antagonistic, accusatory, reactionary. you buy into the primacy of the individual and build a fortress around yourself.

but it takes a village, man. you're not better than anyone, and no one's better than you. if you want someone to hate, hate the rich and powerful few that force us into cycles of economic despair and infighting, who rob us of communal spaces and systematically defund public institutions that exist for all in favor of private institutions that only exist for some. hate the cops and capitalists and fascists, hate the ideologues and media outlets that encourage inter-class conflict over arbitrary identity politics. by all means be annoyed by anyone you like. feel free to avoid or block anybody that gets on your nerves. complain among friends about types of guy that drive you up the wall! this is normal human behavior, you'll never get along with everyone and that's fine. just remember that the us/them divide is pernicious and invasive. it corrupts us, sours us, makes us mean and resentful. there are people in the same class position as me that want me dead, and i harbor no love or charity for them. but i also believe with all my heart that they are human beings who deserve affordable housing, healthcare, education, transportation, and safety same as me. i see no value seeding paranoia and superstition in our communities. i want everyone to have the chance to get better, because they can. the nice thing about this world is that there are a lot of different people in it, and the toxic person you despise and must cut out of your life for your own safety may very well find redemption in the company of another. but they'll never get that opportunity if you hunt them with an itemized dossier of Sins for the rest of time.

Internet mobs will be like "why doesnt anyone just ADMIT when theyre WRONG anymore??!!" and then treat someone like they deserve the death penalty because they said something off-colour on twitter when they were 14

No one will admit that they were wrong if you treat being wrong like its an eternal indictment against them with no chance for rehabilitation

[sitp-recs]

Hidden Gems by Snegurochka

Another rare pair champion, Snegurochka might not be active anymore but her amazing and varied catalogue keeps on giving. I always find her writing gripping, sexy and fresh with a perfect amount of heart wrenching angst and unapologetic dirtyhot sex, my fave! If you’re a smut fan like me, believe me when I say this author should definitely be on your radar. Her main ship is Remus/Severus but her extensive collection of rare pairs include het couples, lots of cross gen and some niche ships I had never considered before. I especially recommend her work if you’re into Remus, Sirius, Teddy, Charlie or Bill (I mean, who isn’t??? 🔥) pls go ahead for delicious permutations between them including age gap and incest goodness. I also really enjoy her occasional het content, thanks to it Harry/Pansy got a special spot in my heart. Here’s just a small sample of her amazing talent, but I’m sure you’ll go to her AO3 for more :)

Drarry

The Den of So-Called Iniquity (2010, E, 4k) - it’s about the yearning!! Fuck buddies, drug use, mutual pining, second person POV, open ending

Potter is watching you, as usual, his fingers tight around his glass. You know what will happen if you swallow that potion in such close proximity to Potter – the same thing that has happened every time you've done it so far.

The Placebo Sequence (2011, E, 7k) - psycho!Harry! Dark and sexy, ambiguous narrative, open ending. Cw: infidelity (Hinny)

Harry Potter has only ever had two goals in life: to defeat Voldemort and to bring his followers to justice. One, he's done. The other is in progress. It should be simple, except there's one former Death Eater who doesn't meet the right criteria.

(Ninth Rehearsal for) The Main Event (2010, E, 9k) - scorching hot BDSM with sub!Harry, bondage and consent issues. Masterfully written!

The first invitation Draco received to exact revenge on Harry Potter was a thrill. The second, he'd only considered to be an unexpected bonus. By the third, the chance for a repeat performance of Potter on his knees, bound and gasping, was one that Draco couldn't turn down. This is the ninth time.

Interoffice Communication (2011, E, 10k) - deliciously funny and hot af, love this concept, development and characterization. A+!

Draco has convinced the Auror department to test his new messaging charm for secure communications. Harry really would have preferred that he not find out through messages like, 'Yeah, tonight you're going to beg me for it,' that the system wasn't as secure as they thought.

Humbug (A Christmas Tale) (2012, E, 29k) - a Christmas classic, I reread this one all the time! Fwb to lovers, perfect levels of angst, sinfully hot smut 🔥

Draco has been taking his casual relationship with Harry for granted. Visits from four key ghosts the night before Christmas just might shake up his priorities in life.

Rare pairs

Getting Hard (2010, E, 3k) - one of my favorite Harry/Scorpius PWPs, hot af and a really sexy take on age gap established relationships 🔥

Scorpius always preferred to do it now, now, and then maybe again in twenty minutes, but Harry took forever. Slowly, though, Scorpius is beginning to see the appeal of being patient.

Fade In (Let Me) (2011, E, 7.6k) - the only Hermione/Harry/Pansy fic I’ve ever read, this is so hot and complicated I can’t resist!

Until the night Hermione walked in on them together, Harry and Pansy didn't know what they were missing.

Drawn Down to Life (2010, E, 9k) - very emotional and well written Draco/Snape short, feels everywhere!

The first time they kiss, Draco is twenty-six years old, and Severus looks the same as the day he died.

The Werewolf Handbook, Page 147 (2009, E, 20k) - Teddy/Bill slooow burn with lots of UST and fun werewolf lore plus, some family drama and heartbreaking Charlie/Remus (past). A perfect Snegurochka fic, scorching hot and complicated - my kind of cross gen!

Everyone knows that when a person with any werewolf blood reaches 21, untamed sexual urges will manifest themselves and require an outlet. It's a fact. No question about it. The Werewolf Handbook says so, right there on page 147.

The Sketchbook (2009, E, 30k) - breathtaking Sirius/Teddy with past Sirius/Remus and past unrequited Sirius/Harry 🥺 gorgeous, melancholic, heart wrenching.

Sketching portraits of Sirius Black had been Teddy's way of avoiding life in the present for years. He never expected one of them would come to life, but then, he might have known that interacting with any kind of magical parchment invented by a Marauder would only open up one epic can of worms.

[zephycluster]

Precolonial HWS SEA Rant Post, feel free to ignore

If you're still reading, then you're probably looking for evidence or some juicy tidbits to throw back at me or to try and find dirt to cancel me, like typical Tumblr/Twitter. Go ahead, I don't really care.

First off, let me just say that If you like Precolonial South-East Asia AUs, feel free to keep enjoying them. I will respectfully support your passions from afar. This post is just to explain why I don't like it, especially the way they keep insisting/portraying PH in it.

Still here? Then let me begin.

Since the recent confirmation that the ASEAN Six Majors (Can't really say ASEAN 10 atm since it's still missing some people) Were completed and the Ma-Phil-Indo Trio was included, there has been a large surge in 'Precolonial' fanarts and portrayals of South East Asians, those three especially.

Even long, long before, circa 2010's ish, a rather well-known fan universe known as 'Maaf' dealt with their story and how their Author thought their intertwined histories went. Written by (my best guesstimate) an Indonesian writer who wants to explore the old, SEA bond.

When I first stumbled across Maaf (I was in Highschool at the time, around age 16-ish), I took a casual interest in it and tried to read it through. But, I will wholeheartedly admit that at the time, Pre-Colonial cultures of South-East Asia in general, let alone Philippine, did not really interest me that much. The focus (I think) was mostly on Indonesia, a country I didn't really know back then, and the liberal use of 'ancient' names and artwork just made it feel like an entirely Original Work (that needed a degree in History to really appreciate) and not something from Hetalia. I also completely disagreed with what I could gather was the story's portrayal of PH but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Do I hate 'Maaf'? No, I don't hate it. Do I wish I never came across it or that it didn't exist? Of course not. Just because I didn't enjoy it or appreciate it that well doesn't mean I wish any ill toward it, its fans, or its creator.

Fast forward to April 2021, the long awaited inclusion of South East Asia to the canon Hetalia verse. I was happy, the other fans were happy, all was good.

Then started the questionable fanarts, fan theories and fan pairings.

Especially the expansion of Precolonial! PH.

Let's go back to Maaf for one moment. From what I understood of Maaf, PH there was a character who once was like all the other South East Asian cultures, trading with them, all around being a nice family.

But all that changed when the Spaniards attacked, so cry the precolonial buffs. They destroyed everything, ransacked and marginalized the tribes, erased everything that PH was!

Did that happen? ABSOLUTELY. The Spaniards had this vision in mind that they must spread Christianity to all of the 'savage, unchristian heathens' of their realm. :V /s

But back up a second, back to PH's portrayal in Maaf. The way she (yeah, she) was portrayed there was that she was slowly losing her memories of being a 'true' South East Asian and grew more and more westernized in the process, like some sort of Culture-specific Alzheimer's or something.

Firstly, that is seriously depressing, and secondly, I just really don't see that happening.

Here's why.

Point 1: Even before Colonial Masters, Filipinos as a people cannot agree on anything.

I'll just begin this segment with a Philippine proverb that outlines what Filipinos call 'Crab Mentality' or 'Crab Bucket Mentality'.

"You don't need a lid for a container when you're keeping multiple crabs. If you keep at least two crabs together, they will just pull each other down instead of helping each other up."

I don't know how it goes with Indonesian or Malaysian history class, but what I know of my homeland, both pre- and post-colonial history, we were never really 'united' or 'together' in the sense that Indonesia and Malaysia were (from what I assume).

Let me pull up a somewhat related question on r/AskHistorians.

The reason I brought this up as it shows the reasons why, in my opinion, a single entity that is 'Precolonial Philippines-tan' is an impossibility.

The answers are long and would extend this already long post to stupid proportions, so I'll just quote relevant sentences. The link is here for those that wanna deep-dive into the answer.

"All this to say that there wasn't a name used for the entire Philippine islands before the Philippines that people now would agree to. An interesting comparison would be the Holy Roman Empire, which might also be characterized as disparate politico-geographic groups of relatively small size that had a history of relations between each other, but one thing they had that the Philippines did not was a common language, or at least a family of mostly mutually intelligible languages, so that the name Deutschland or Germany isn't terribly offensive to anyone. If you called the Philippines the 'Lupang-Tagalog' or even 'Lupang-Tao' the other ethnic groups would protest."

For those in need of translation, 'Lupang Tagalog' means 'Land of the Tagalogs' and 'Lupang Tao' means 'Land of People', specifically. The first one is already exclusive and offensive, as the Tagalog peoples are but one of many ethnicities here.

And for the 'Lupang Tagalog' suggestion specifically, it's even more offensive as they are the majority ethnicity (not by much, just around 28%) From this chart from Geography Now! It would basically be alienating everyone else in the 72% remainder that isn't 'Tagalog'.

And even 'Lupang Tao', the most generic name in a local language you can think of, would be met with contempt because the name itself is in the Tagalog language.

Just travelling between two individual island groups today would sometimes require a translator because the words can change very rapidly and very drastically. Here's a sample of some differences coming from a friend living in Visayas (in Red) vs. the words I know living in Luzon (In blue).

Ate vs. Manang = Older Sister

Ibon vs. Pispis = Bird

Tumawa vs. Kadlaw = To laugh

Takot vs. Hadlok = Fear

Kain vs. Kaon = To eat

Ngayon vs. Subong = Now, at this point in time

Iyak vs. Hibi/Gibi = to cry

Talampakan vs. Tiil = Foot (in Tagalog, the word retains its 'body part AND unit of measurement' meaning)

Tulog vs. Tuyo = to sleep (Tuyo in Tagalog is either a dried salted fish or 'to dry')

The kicker is that just like Tagalog is just one of many languages here, so too is the language my friend speaks. Ask an entirely new person, like someone from Mindanao, they'll probably have an entirely new set of words.

It's not just Luzon vs. Visayas vs. Mindanao, either. Here's a map listing some of the ethnic groups here.

Even the way they're written differs from location to location.

While we're on the subject of Island divisions, a casual skim across Twitter and Tumblr has shown that their Precolonial PH has been one of the following ancient civilizations: Tondo, Butuan, Sugbu, Namayan. There may have been others but that was what I have found.

Notice how even today, the posters of Precolonial PH can't seem to agree on what he's supposed to be? With Indonesia it's either Majapahit or Srivijaya and Malaysia it's usually Malacca iirc.

What is the big deal? Well, let's go back to the Ask Historians post. "Why didn't the Philippines ever change its name to remove the colonial mark that being named after a Spanish King has?" The answer: "If you suggested something dating to precolonial times, the other ethnic groups would protest."

Since we're on a roll with maps, let me bring this up.

As you can see, the precolonial PH posts have a reason to not be able to agree on one thing, as there is a LOT of options. Do you also see how THAT list is also split up?

It's split up into those aligned with China (Sinified), aligned with India (Indianized), aligned with the Middle East (Islamicized), and no alignment (Animist). Now, let's go back to the main suggestions for which Kingdom/Polity/Civilization/whatever Modern Philippines used to be.

If the Filipino peoples' couldn't agree on something as simple as WHAT TO CALL THE LAND THEY'RE LIVING ON, what more a living, breathing, walking, talking entity that is supposed to be a beacon of all of their 'unified' culture? ESPECIALLY if that entity used to be a currently existing Kingdom/Polity/Rajahnate/Sultanate/whatever.

Tondo? "Of course, always the damn Tagalogs. Tagalog this, Tagalog that. First the capital city, then the language,* THE REST OF US EXIST, YOU KNOW! What about us in Visayas? Mindanao?"

*The national language known as 'Filipino' is just standardized Tagalog*

Butuan? "Wait, you want Butuan to represent us? They're they only Indian-aligned city in the Islam-majority Mindanao! They're not even that many of them! I'm not gonna change my religion!"

Sugbu, the other name for the Rajahnate of Cebu on the map? Lemme bring back my Visayan friend again. According to her, she hails from the Hiligaynon part of Visayas.

"Sure :v and the other islands are what?

Chopped liver?

Not to mention the language and writing barrier helloooo"

And Namayan? Well. I'll let this pic speak for itself.

To summarize, no matter who you pick as Modern PH's previous identity, it will not end well nor be accepted by the other Kingdoms at the time.

"So where does that leave Modern PH, he had to have been ONE of them, right?"

Well, not really. He doesn't HAVE to be one of the Ancient Kingdoms that lasted till the modern day. I mean, predecessor representatives exist in Hetalia canon, after all. Like Modern Greece is a different character from Ancient Greece, Ancient Egypt and Modern Egypt, heck even England and his brothers have a canon mother that was the rep before them.

Or you could even use the same logic that Germany does, in that each specific region has/had its own representative and that Modern!PH is just the 'mediator' between them (cause gawd does PH need one). There could be a Tondo, a Namayan, a Butuan, and a Sugbu, all arguing and this Proto-PH is just trying to make headway in making them all satisfied.

But, even after all this, there is another reason why I personally don't subscribe to the 'Precolonial PH' idea, and by tangential extension, the Indo x Phil pairing.

Point 2: Even without intending to, Precolonial Indo x Phil just comes off as patronizing

This second point is just ENTIRELY personal preference and barely has any facts to back it up.

Again, if you like the pairing and disagree with me, You do you. I will respectfully support you and your passions from a distance.

But for me, Indo being Phil's seme/bae/boyfriend and consistently bringing up precolonial times just comes off as patronizing.

Just one more time, I'd like to point out that I am NOT bashing Indonesia, its people or the subscribers of Indo x Phil. This is just how the pairing feels to ME specifically.

The way I see it, Indo x Phil as a pairing, especially if it extends back into precolonial times, reads the same way as a long-since married couple where the husband/wife CONSTANTLY brings up that ONE outing you had together, or that ONE prom night where you kissed while dancing, even it happened like 30 some-odd years ago and so much more happened since then.

Even in a platonic sense, It reads like two besties where one ALWAYS mentions stuff like 'Yeah but you looked so much cooler back in High School' or 'Back in Grade School you would've known that', or 'Remember back in Pre-school we did X? How could you forget that?'

How does one respond to the notion that no matter what you do now, it will never compare to a past you've already forgotten or barely remember? That the best version of 'you' is already long gone?

"That's because the westerners made you forget your culture! You gotta take it back!"

While it is true, yes, as a collective we barely remember the Kingdom that commissioned the Laguna Copperplate, or created the Banaue Rice Terraces, or created the millennia old bonds that we still share with Indonesia and Malaysia.

But to keep pushing the precolonial identity would be to neglect and cast aside the one REAL binding belief and culture that spans the entirety of these islands we call the Philippines.

We take on all the bad stuff that happens to us, conquer it, and make it our own. Be it natural disasters, foreign powers, or negative stereotypical mentalities.

Yes, we've forgotten the ancient kingdoms of old and are just now digging through the closet for those remnants of the past. Yes, the colonizers imposed that on us, and made us forget. But in the process we've also taken everything that they left behind, everything that they threw at us, and created something that can only come from us.

The lanterns that the Spaniards used to light the way to the morning masses they made us attend became our globally known symbol of Christmas. The junked vehicles that the Americans left behind in World War 2 are now rolling works of art that announce themselves loud and proud on the streets (for better or for worse). The iced dessert recipe that the Japanese forced us to learn while they were occupying the country is now so distinct and famous it is synonymous with us, and is so delicious even Italy has taken notice.

Even after all this? Even after all the 425-ish years total we have been under a foreign power, with all the progress we've made as a country, a people, and a nation, you would still imply our fragmented, jigsaw puzzle state of being in the past was better just because it was pure 'South East Asian' like everyone else?

We might not be as well put-together as Indonesia or Malaysia, but we made this melting pot of angry, leg-pulling, dogpiling, Native, Mestizo, Chinoy, and Fil-Am crabs OURS, damnit!

It's now 4:30 AM and I have work in 5 or so hours. I'll be going to sleep now.

[chocolatepot]

youwillregretthis.jpg

So it all starts with antis, because "proship" only exists in contrast to anti-shipping.

As long as there has been the word shipping (so, since X-Files fandom), there have been people who defined themselves in opposition to a particular ship, often calling themselves "anti-[shipname]", but generally not related to each other. In the mid-2010s, this kind of specific anti-ness shifted into a broader subculture in which members just call themselves "antis" as a noun rather than a prefix. (I suspect this is related to a middle step of broadening from anti-[ship] to anti-[fandom] as people who hated Twilight in its entirety developed an identity focused on that.) Their general ethos was/is that what someone ships/writes about reflects their inner character in a fairly simplistic way: people who write a fic with a sexual or romantic relationship between one character above the age of consent and one below it (or with both characters below it), with an incestuous pairing, or with a pairing that could be considered abusive in the canon are showing that they are attracted to children, attracted to people in their family, or abusive. Some of them would allow writing these "to cope" (i.e. with the writers' personal trauma - much if not most of this stuff is written from the victim's perspective) but many others consider that unhealthy behavior. And not only does it reflect on their character, but it means that they are participating in or condoning actual criminal activity, and any abuse of them is justified because they are, effectively, e.g. a child abuser. They drive people to suicidal ideation, try to get them fired, make them delete their accounts, etc. I've also noticed a strong TERF strain - there's a lot of misgendering queer trans men as "fetishizing fujoshis" - and purity culture nonsense about sexless fiction simply being better than anything with sex scenes, particularly when it comes to queer fiction (for some reason).

This very quickly became a set of arguments for shipwars, and the definitions of all three "problems" stretched to cover any ship an anti didn't like. These characters have an age gap that means they would have been on opposite sides of the age of consent at one point, or this character is "minor-coded", or this character was shown as a child in a flashback in the show - shipping them is pedophilia. These characters are in a found family together - shipping them is incest. These characters are a hero/villain pairing, or they bicker, or they're close but they had a really big fight at the climax of s1 - shipping them is promoting abuse. These standards are purposely restrictive, and I've yet to see anyone identifying as an anti who doesn't have at least one ship that they should not be shipping according to the types of logic they apply to other people's ships ...

Anyway, the reaction to this among people who didn't or couldn't just ignore it (like because they were being harassed for liking a hero/villain ship) was for them to identify as "anti-anti" or "pro-ship." Typically, it means a) a recognition that things you read or write don't necessarily reflect what you want to do or have done to you and b) opposition to harassment. There are some fans who say they're "proship with exceptions," which is a bit meaningless but I suppose it helps them explain their position in some way.

I've seen people layering this onto OFMD for a long time now, and it's fascinating to me. There's maybe a bit of a parallel between Izzy-critical takes and anti-dom, but it's not remotely on the same scale, even including Izzy-Hating/Stede Stan Anon, and I think it's silly to invoke it. Antis on Twitter literally got a chronically ill illustrator fired and when they said they would probably die because they lost their health insurance, the antis celebrated. Nobody is doing that. Likewise, the fandom as a whole is pretty enamored with darkfic, kink, and exploring negativity - and definitely very pro-expressions of queer sexuality.

There are plenty of people who don't know what "proship" means. But I typically take "proships DNI" in a bio as a big red flag.

SamAburime on Twitter is an acafan who researches and writes on antis and purity culture - worth a follow.

Do you want the whole boring pedantic explanation of "proshipping"? Because I can do that if you want it but I don't want to subject you to it otherwise

I think I basically get it but you can hit me with it if you want

[revchainsaw]

You're Next (2011)

Greetings Flock! Reverend Chainsaw here with another film review to feed your souls. Parishioners of the Cult of Cult should be familiar with todays offering, and that is good news for you shall find your hearts strangely warmed. Please join me as we dive into the Book of You're Next and renew our devotion to the Trinity that is The Tiger, the Lamb, and the Holy Wolf.

The Message

You're Next is definitely a tough film to review. For a movie as young as it is to have had such a strong and committed following speaks volumes and I believe you would be hard pressed to find a review by anyone who loves horror that is down on the film. While it can sometimes bring me great joy to review the awful films of the world, occasionally it is a pleasure to give honor to those films which deserve it.

You're Next is a film which fits neatly into both the Slasher and Home Invasion genres. The story centers around a vicious assault on a wealthy family by 3 masked men, all on the evening when our heroin, Erin, is meeting them for the first time. Avoiding the Slasher genre trope of generic murder lambs we are yet again faced with an excellent cast where not even the early victims are forgettable.

The movie opens with the grizzly murder of the Davison's nearest neighbors by our animal masked assassins, insuring that should anyone attempt to flee they will not be finding help any time soon. Then we get one hell of a title card before we find Paul and Aubrey Davison preparing to have their children and their respective partners over to their home to celebrate their anniversary. Aubrey is played by Re-Animators own Barbara Crampton. Foremost among the children visiting are their son Crispian, a college professor, and his Australian girlfriend Erin, who was once his T.A. This is a source of contention for Crispian when his siblings judge the professional nature of this relationship.

Two by Two the Children arrive. It is off handedly mentioned that the Davisons money comes from defense contracts, and that the family dynamic is particularly strained. An arrow from a cross bow pierces the window during a particularly tense dinner, and then the film enters full force into unyielding action. There are characters murdered by arrows, a gruesome slice to the jugular by some sinisterly placed piano wire (during what was ramping up to be a daring escape from the home), and of course axe murders.

Crispian manages to escape into the night abandoning Erin and his remaining family. At this point, Erin, who is revealed to have been raised on a survivalist compound begins to fight back. Erin goes full Home Alone on the invaders, and the hunters soon become the hunted. After Erin kills one of the villains It is revealed through the course of the night that the murder of the Davison family is an inside job. These men are paid assassins and they were hired by Felix and his gothy girlfriend Zee, whose macabre tastes include being sexually aroused by dead bodies. Once Erin discovers this fact she dispatches the rest of the animal masked crew as well as Felix and Zee with some very creative uses of kitchenware.

Just as we are about to declare Erin the final girl of this film Felix's phone rings, it's Crispian. When Erin answers Crispian reveals that he was the ringleader, but his weak constitution had caused him to flee the scene. Impatient when he doesn't here Felix on the other end Felix reenters the home to find a bloody Erin. He begs and makes excuses, promising Erin that she was intended to be a witness to the slaughter and was safe the whole time. Erin is having none of it, and ends the relationship once and for all with a stab to the neck.

The film ends with the arrival of the police who upon discovering Erin murdering Crispian set off one of her Home Alone traps and she is set up to be held responsible for the whole affair. Here's hoping we get the court room drama sequel that this movie deserves.

The Benediction

Best Kill: Erin, In the Kitchen, With the Vitamix It's not often in a horror flick that the best kill can be said not to have come from the hands of the monster, but from the heroin. Toward the climax of the film Erin has had enough and she expresses her self in glorious gory satisfaction with a blender to the skull of her lovers brother Felix.

Best Character : T.A. Taking Action Suprise! It's Erin. The best character is Erin. I really wanted to try and say that it was some more obscure character like snarky big bro Drake, but No. It's Erin, it was always Erin. She is the stand out feature of the film. The Lamb, the Tiger, and the Wolf masks were instantly iconic and sold in Hot Topic from the minute the movie made a wide release, but no one comes out of You're Next thinking about the mercenary assassins. We come out thinking about how the lass from the land down under turned the tide against the terribe trio. The audience wants more Erin.

Best Actor: We Came, We Got You, Barbara!

It's just so good to see Barbara Crampton whenever we can. It says something for a person to still be doing the Scream Queen thing for this long. She is not the most likeable character in You're Next but she is selling the fear, the tension and the goals of her character. I think it would be safe to say that the first act would not be nearly as effective without Barbara Cramptons performance.

Best Villain: Zee Nation

Zee was just something else. The Masked Trio of Home Invaders were sort of plug and play. The masks and tactical gear definitely sold the menace, but they were not really characters. They are given some slivers of back story and I don't think that it's really a problem that way. I've been happy with less before. It just sort of means that no one killer stands out in particular. Though the Lamb Mask is my personal favorite. For all the brutish merciless killing these three dole out to the Davison family it's really Zee who makes a splash in my memory. She's absolutely as gleeful as a deadite about all this bloodshed going on around her. She isn't just dark and edgy cuz it's a look, it seems like she really took that aesthetic to heart. The fact that you couldn't tell she'd happily tear your throat out by looking at her certainly makes her a bigger threat than she gets credit for.

Worst Character: Poor Little Rich Kid

All of the characters in You're Next work. Some move from grating to sympathetic, others from charming to pitiful, but at some point every character has a presence and a personality that the viewer can recognize. No Character in this film will receive worst character because they are poorly written, unneccessary, or just obnoxious. However, one character is consistently self-indulgent, cocky, sniveling, and has all the undeserved sense of superiority of a Kevin Smith protagonist, and that's Crispian. Fuck Crispian. He's a bad boyfriend, a bad brother, a bad son, and a bad teacher. He has so much that he doesn't deserve, and earnestly feels he's entitled to more.

Most WTF Moment: Crossing the Line

Was it Crispian's heel turn? Was it Felix stabbing drake? The realization that the family extermination was an inside job? Was it the twist that Erin was a bad ass? What single moment made everyone who's seen this movie go "WHOAH!!!" all at once? When Crispian was attempting to make his exit the first time he proposed he go and get help claiming he's the fastest, to which his overestimation of himself is comedically undercut by the fact that he is in fact out of shape and his sister Aimee used to run track. The family unanimously agrees they would put their lives in the hands of poor Aimee and her athletic past, but they also propose she back up and bolt out the front door the minute they open it up. The music swells, and Aimee makes a run for it. She is stopped short by a piano wire trap set by the mercenaries, as her momentum allows the wire to cut deep and clean into the meat of her neck. She is not decapitated but bleeds out on the floor of the house. It really catches the viewer off guard and is a very impressive effect. Not only is Aimee's kill the most WTF moment, but it is runner up for best kill.

Summary You're Next is hands down my favorite home invasion movie. It's wide appeal is undeniable. As of 2015, You're Next was predicted to be considered the best horror movie of the 2010s. Unfortunately for You're Next but how wonderful for us, the later half of the decade really ramped up the great horror films releases. I wouldn't call You're Next the best horror film of it's time, but it definitely deserves to be remembered. People's enthusiasm for the film does seem to be slowing and I think it would do our congregation a great service for us to continue singing it's praises.

Overall Grade: A

[ecsta-zi]

My experience with white privilege (and how I found out it was real)

I was 20 years old and had been living in the Bronx for 4 years. I had a GED and seasonal/temp experience in both the restaurant and retail industries (3-4 months each.) So i only had about a year of experience working in retail and about 6 months or so working in restaurant. It seemed as though I was only capable of obtaining temporary jobs. It was frustrating because no matter how hard I worked at these jobs I just never seemed to be good enough to be hired permanently. Both times they simply told me that there were no permanent positions to be filled but my insecurities tell me I wasn't good enough.

When it came time to find a new job my boyfriend's mother referred me to Lisa Employment Agency at 247 West 35th Street New York, N.Y 10001. A job agency where you can only get restaurant jobs. She handed me my money and I was there at 8:45 am on 05/17/17.

When I came in, there was an area for people to wait. It was already filled for being nearly 9 :00 am and per usual I am the only caucasian in the room. Most of the people in the room were black and hispanic men. Some were half asleep, some of them were on their phone and some simply looked stressed. I saw an empty seat on the left side middle row at the end. Ahead there were a few desks. A Hispanic woman to the front left whos name is Sue and another Hispanic woman to the front right. In the back with the big desk there was a Hispanic man by the name of Rene Munoz.

Before my body even touched the seat I was called up by the big man himself (Rene.) I handed him the money and the resume I created myself. He looked at it and said "you don't have a lot of experience but that's ok because you're young." He made a phone call and I had a job interview set up for me to go to immediately. My position was "helper" at the juice bar at Pier 59 Studios. My starting wage was $15/Hr. This was BEFORE the minimum wage was set to $15/hr. If you don't know what Pier 59 Studios it is the LARGEST photography studio in the world. Name any fashion magazine! They've done shoots there. Now I am an obese pale white girl who wore their makeup like it was still 2010. Everyone there was GORGEOUS and the place was boujee as fuck. Even the damn secretary at the front desk was super model gorgeous. I felt out of place. Anyway, when Rene Munoz handed me the card he told me "bring more people like you, you know your kind....your friends."

He basically told me to bring more white people.

Prior to arriving my boyfriend's mother who was friends with sue (lady at the desk to the right who got my boyfriend the job at blake and Todd on 47th street) told me that sue told her that they were looking for more white people and that I would not have a problem getting a job because I'm white. My boyfriend's mother is hispanic as well as my boyfriend.

Since I was 14 I've been in and out of homes, cities, and towns where I was the only white girl. I was use to jokes like that. Like "oh don't worry you're white the cops won't pay you no mind" or the one time my friend said to her mom "don't worry mom she's white we won't get into any trouble." as a joke. I simply thought it was another one of those things.

I didn't actually think she was being deadass!!!

At the time I wasn't going to sit there and run my mouth about how racist that shit was. A bitch needed a job I didn't want to lose MY job opportunity by preaching. I shut my mouth and I went. [ Insert White Privilege Here]

At this agency you pay a fee and they give you three shots to try out different jobs. If i didn't like one they'd give me another.

My first day at Pier 59 studios was my training and I couldn't handle the pressure. There was so much perfection expected of you because you're serving drinks to people who worked in the fashion industry. There was talk about the famous people who came in and out of there, and there were perfect gorgeous people around me and i was a potato. Also apparently there was this very important french woman who worked in the industry having some brunch meeting. I wasn't about catering to people and celebrities in the fashion industry. I didn't show up the second day.

When I try to tell people this story, especially people from my race, they get so mad at me because they're the type of people who don't believe in "white privilege." They say the same thing as any other white person who doesn't get it. "I had a hard life, i was poor, i had no privileges, i had to work hard for everything I have. No that wasn't an example of white privilege it was an example of racism" That one was the most idiotic I've ever heard. But they fail to realize that there are employers out there that would literally take one look at you and one look at the black guy next to you and choose you simply because you're white. They don't understand that these men that were waiting in the waiting area were 10+ years older than me and obviously way more experienced! That they are waiting for jobs to accept them for an INTERVIEW because the employers working with the agency told them theyre not hiring black people and that they aren't hiring people who can't speak perfect english. I mean, it was heavily implied given the fact that only poc are sitting there and i walk out with a job interview in less than 20 minutes and was straight up told to my face to bring more people like me . They overlook the part where I tell them that Rene acknowledged the fact that I had little experience and he still gave me this boujee ass job with high expectations!! Completely missed the fact that the man told me to BRING MY KIND. That the color of my skin meant that I had a long list of employment opportunities because that is what they're looking for.

I was like them in a sense. I too grew up shit poor, i have a ged, I'm basically white trash and that I never got anywhere bc of my skin color. That day though, reality slapped me so hard I still can't believe that REALLY happened, that it still happens and that it happened right in front of my face.

I didn't do a thing about it. I felt so guilty for awhile and I still do. This isn't that "white guilt" shit or me "apologizing for being white." I know that pisses off white people.

Black and Hispanic people contributed a lot to who I am and where I am right now in my life even at 23 years old. I was raised and mentored by strong black queens who I would do anything for. If it weren't for them I probably wouldn't be alive. I was educated and influenced by black men. If it weren't for them I would still be struggling with reading comprehension, i would've failed english and history. I would've never got my GED. I wouldn't have gone to college. If it weren't for latinas I wouldn't know shit about cooking or cleaning or how to manage money, i wouldn't have a home, and i wouldn't have done anything decent in my life.

All of these people, people of color, who lifted me up off the ground, picked up every piece of my brokenness, and made me whole are the reason why I felt guilty. Not because I am ashamed to be white. But because I am ashamed of the fact that I wouldn't have even been there at that job agency if it weren't for them and that I failed to be an ally all for some boujee ass job I didn't want anyway.

I had to accept the fact that there wasn't much that I could do.

One day I was fucking around on google maps, writing reviews for places I've been to. I decided to look up Lisa Employment Agency and I wrote a review regarding what happened that day. A warning to those who are poc and desperate for a job to not give them their money. That was the best that I could do.

The purpose of me writing this is because people don't understand how real this shit is and that it still happens. White people don't understand that just because YOU yourself have never been in a position where you used your white privilege doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

It does. Its real. And it's fucked up.

******Below I have a photo of the card that Rene gave me. I still have it for some reason. A big chuck of it was cut off but you can still see the name of the man at the agency. You can see where it says Pier, the date is there, and my starting salary. (I cut a piece of it off to scoop up my weed sorry) It is the only proof I have that it happened. The name and number written above my name was the name of the owner or manager at pier 59 studios.******

[famous-aces]

Henry David Thoreau

Who: Henry David Thoreau

What: Author, Philosopher, Abolitionist, Activist, Naturalist, Critic, Surveyor, Yogi, Historian...ah, Jeez, what wasn't he?

Where: American (active largely in the US)

When: July 12, 1817 – May 6, 1862

(Image description: a photo of Henry David Thoreau from 1861, it is obviously in black and white but has faded to sepia. He is a white man in a jacket and what appears to be a scarf or cravat. He has a long, tired face, circles around his eyes. He has a thick beard and mustache and slightly messy hair, his hair is dark but graying.  End ID)

You have probably heard this name even if you don't know why. He is best known  for his memoirs, essays, and his role in the founding of the Transcendentalist movement. His progressive philosophy remains relevant to this day. His influence has lasted well over a century and he served as inspiration for the likes of JFK, Martin Luther King Jr., Hemingway, Tolstoy, Shaw, Gandhi, among dozens of other names of equal note.

Thoreau was a Transcendentalist through and through, meaning he believed in the inherent goodness of humanity and nature in conjunction with science, and the power of the individual. His writing is generally practical, thoughtful, detailed, and observant, and he wrote extensively on a number of subjects. Perhaps most notably on environmentalism (he is one of the inspirations for and a precursor to the 20th century environmentalist movement), nature, ethics, simple living, direct action, civil disobedience, abolition, tax resistance, anarchy, among countless other topics.  

Thoreau's most famous and popular works include Walden, which is the published version of of the diary Thoreau kept over his two year social experiment at Walden Pond (written beginning in 1845, published in 1854), "Civil Disobedience,"  which helped both Gandhi and Dr. King form their philosophies, and states that in an unjust society the just must rebel, (it was originally titled "Resistance to Civil Government or Civil Disobedience", 1849), "Walking" an instruction manual on how Thoreau thought, observed, and wrote (1862), "Slavery in Massachusetts", a speech given at a rally to protest the re-enslavement of escapee/fugitive slave Anthony Burns (1854) and Excursions, collection of essays, published posthumously in 1863 with biographical introduction by fellow author and Transcendentalist Ralph Waldo Emerson.  He also wrote on John Brown and his execution ("A Plea for Captain John Brown" [1859], Remarks After the Hanging of John Brown [1859], and The Last Days of John Brown [1860]).

(Image description: a replica of Thoreau's cabin in Walden. It is a very small wooded. Cabin in a clearing, one room at most, brown/gray in color. It has a white multi-paned window and a brick chimney in the back. The whole cabin is not much taller than its door. Behind it is a shed or outhouse.  They are surrounded by trees. Touching one of the closest trees is a brown metal statue of a man walking, presumably Thoreau. End ID)

Probable Orientation: Gay ace or possibly aroace with a desire for a male QPP.

I am very confident in Thoreau's asexuality, if a little shakier on his romantic orientation. As far as anyone knows (and his life has been repeatedly and heavily scrutinized since the 19th century) Thoreau never had a romantic or sexual partner. He was a public figure with a wide circle of friends, someone would have known at some point during his life and if somehow a partner escaped notice the historians who dedicated their lives to studying his life specifically would have uncovered them. Thoreau wrote on male/male relationships, some more platonic, some queerplatonic, some vagulely romantic, none sexual.

Thoreau, like Elizabeth I, is one cishets hold onto, turning away from the idea he could be anything but heterosexual regardless of the evidence to the contrary.  Like Andy Warhol he is one exclusionists refuse to acknowledge was ace, although they have even less of an argument here. Many aphobic fans of Thoreau are terrified by the idea that maybe, just maybe, the thing Thoreau loved most was nature. Some outrageous arguments from either side include: one historian claimed a poem Thoreau wrote for a man was actually meant for that guy's sister, some say he was being hip in writing about Achilles, some say he was too repressed to have sex, especially since he was gay. One blogger got heated in his admantness that Thoreau wasn't ace but was "a human being with feelings and needs." Nice aphobia there, dude.

But here is the thing about any of those arguments: Thoreau broke every other rule in his culture. He was not afraid to be different, and separated himself from society.  He was all about the individual breaking away from society and its traditions and going with your human nature. Thoreau did what he believed to be right.

He had a following, many friends and aquaintences, almost certainly suitors, he spent a lot of time alone in the company of men he seemed to find attractive e.g. Tom Fowler (who was his sole companion and guide through Maine) and Alek Therien (who visited Thoreau alone at Walden). I firmly believe that his percieved "prudishness" was not artificial but came from a genuine disinterest and failure to even really understand sexual attraction (his journals imply as much, you will see). If he did sleep with any of these men Thoreau never documented it, not even in his own journals. But what he did articulate in letters is that society's refusal to discuss sex/physical relationships was proof of its problems. Sex was natural so dismissing it wasn't. 

His feelings about sex are contradictory, he thinks it must be natural but he also finds it repulsive and dirty. He makes note at one point of how beautiful pollination is (he is quoting and translating J. Biberg but agrees with the sentiment and indeed only uses the quote to prove his point on the beauty of sexless flowers), but he vilifies or dislikes human intercourse. Thoreau seems to like the idea of sex without the sex, he likes closeness more than intercourse. He wants to like sex but can't, the closest he gets is the desire for these things to be open.

Quotes:

Hang onto your hats. There are some long ones here, but Thoreau, like Chopin, is pretty overtly ace. Like he couldn't make it clear without waving an asexual pride flag, would be hard considering it was invented in what? 2010? And Thoreau had already been dead 148 chaste, chaste years.

"What is commonly honored with the name of Friendship is no very profound or powerful instinct...I do not often see the farmers made seers and wise to the verge of insanity by their Friendship for one another. They are not often transfigured and translated by love in each other’s presence. I do not observe them purified, refined, and elevated by the love of a man…I do not often see the farmers made seers and wise to the verge of insanity by their Friendship for one another. They are not often transfigured and translated by love in each other’s presence. I do not observe them purified, refined, and elevated by the love of a man…Nor do the farmers' wives lead lives consecrated to Friendship. I do not see the pair of farmer Friends of either sex prepared to stand against the world...Even the utmost good-will and harmony and practical kindness are not sufficient for Friendship, for Friends do not live in harmony merely, as some say, but in melody. We do not wish for Friends to feed and clothe our bodies,--neighbors are kind enough for that,--but to do the like office to our spirits…[the ideal friendship] will make a man honest; it will make him a hero; it will make him a saint. It is the state of the just dealing with the just, the magnanimous with the magnanimous, the sincere with the sincere, man with man.”

-Henry David Thoreau, from his journal 1839. This entry on friendship the hope for something deeper than what most people call by that name, but still looking for friendship. He is looking for a partner, an emotional, spiritual, partner. This quote could be read as romantic or queerplatonic. You know which one I am leaning toward, queerplatonic, especially because he specifies these relationships as unique from marriage (which he equates in other texts with sex and maybe romance) also he was writing while on a trip with his brother, John, to whom he would later dedicate the publication after John's death in 1842. But it could easily also be a sexless romantic relationship, what he is looking for is not explicitly either.

The following are all from 1852 letters written by Thoreau to his friend and proofreader Harrison Blake. One of these letters was overtly written on the subject of "Chastity and Sensuality" and contains his complicated feelings on sexuality:

"What the essential difference between man and woman is, that they should be thus attracted to one another, no one has satisfactorily answered."

(Note: self explanatory)

"If it is the result of a pure love, there can be nothing sensual in marriage. Chastity is something positive, not negative. It is the virtue of the married especially. All lusts or base pleasures must give place to loftier delights...The deeds of love are less questionable than any action of an individual can be, for, it being founded on the rarest mutual respect, the parties incessantly stimulate each other to a loftier and purer life, and the act in which they are associated must be pure and noble indeed..."

(Note: in the above quote he seems to believe that in marriage sex must eventually stop because there is something better. As if they have gotten the sex stuff out of the way.)

"Love and lust are as far asunder as a flower-garden is from a brothel.

(Note: this was part of his description for his disdain for human sex vs human love, his confusion about sex but love of human relationships. It is part of that desire for sex without sex thing I mentioned but harsher than his tone in a later letter.)

"'The organs of generation, which, in the animal kingdom, are for the most part concealed by nature, as if they were to be ashamed of, in the vegetable kingdom are ex posed to the eyes of all ; and, when the nuptials of plants are celebrated, it is wonderful what delight they afford to the beholder, refreshing...'"

(Note: this is Thoreau quoting and translating J. Biberg. Part of the same letter as the brothel line. In this letter he discusses how perturbed he is by sex and lust, but how it should be something beautiful. He celebrates pollination, while finding human sex distasteful, again sex without sex.)

"The intercourse of the sexes, I have dreamed, is incredibly beautiful, too fair to be remembered. I have had thoughts about it, but they are among the most fleeting and irrecoverable in my experience."

(Note: Also self explanatory)

(Image description: the original title page of Walden. It has an illustration on it drawn by Thoreau's sister Sophia. Above the illustration it reads "Walden; or Life in the Woods by Henry D. Thoreau, Author of "A Week on the Concord and Merrimack Rivers". Then is the illustration showing Thoreau's cabin, it looks very much like the modern replica if with a slightly different treeline.  There is a path leading from the cabin down to the bottom of the image directed at the words below. The text continues after the drawing "I do not propose to write an ode to dejection, but to brag as lustily as chanticleer in the morning, standing on his roost, if only to wake the neighbors up. -Page 92. Boston, Ticknor and Fields. M DCCC LIV.". End ID)

[xtruss]

Which Players Have Been The Biggest Losses to Cricket This Century?

Mohammad Asif, patron saint of what-could-have-beens Getty Images (A Boak Bollock who involved himself in a match fixing crimes and killed his own promising career. Otherwise he would be the most fiercest, formidable, intimidating and dangerous fast bowler of the Cricketing World.)

— Jul 9, 2020 | ESPN Staff

In this edition of Rabbit Holes, Osman Samiuddin, Andrew Fidel Fernando and Sidharth Monga gather for a round of lamentation and breast-beating over cricket's greatest unfulfilled talents and shed tears over what might have been.

Andrew Fidel Fernando, ESPNcricinfo's Sri Lanka correspondent: So, the biggest losses to cricket this century. I think given the people involved in the conversation, this will quickly degenerate into a Mohammad Asif support group. But there are so many others who've not had the careers we all wanted them to have.

Osman Samiuddin, senior editor: Wait, what? This is not the Asif Anonymous Group already?

Fernando: "Hi, I'm Osman, and it's been ten years since I last watched Asif bowl. (breaks down sobbing uncontrollably)"

Sidharth Monga, assistant editor: And the thing is, Asif don't care. Or at least doesn't seem to care.

Samiuddin: Although the thing is, I think Asif does care. In that interview with Umar Farooq it was clear he cares about how people remember him. Maybe just not enough to get bogged down by it.

Monga: He has moved on better than us. Which is him being kinda, "Yeah, this is life, what are you going to do about it?" But I also like that he is turning out in domestic cricket despite there being no hope that he will ever bowl at the highest level again. This is every ball of his first two spells of the QeA final in 2017-18. Cruelly, captained again by Salman Butt, who chose to field first, which is something you don't do in Test cricket these days. And the first two comments on the video!

Samiuddin: For the longest time - and even now - I believe that the careers of Kumar Sangakkara and AB de Villiers would have turned out different had they had to play Asif often.

Fernando: Sanga would have got out cheaply to Asif five times in a row one series and retired in shame in 2012 - that's how your fantasy goes, right?

Samiuddin: Earlier, ideally.

Monga: Hashim Amla, AB and Kevin Pietersen didn't even play him that much, but the little that they did was enough to convince them he was the best bowler they faced. Ahead of all the other legends of the time.

Samiuddin: But with the advances in batsmanship - though, I guess mostly in white-ball cricket - how would Asif have responded? It's not a bad time to be a Test bowler though, so he probably would have been okay still.

Remember when Asif took 6 for 41 in Sydney in 2010, in a losing cause? Getty Images

Fernando: I do think Asif would have loved some of the tracks Pakistan have played on in the last five, six years.

Samiuddin: The UAE? I mean, imagine Misbah captaining Asif - would he have turned him into an offspinner?

Fernando: Hah, true, but I meant more outside the UAE. Those New Zealand greentops where you can only see the batsman from the helmet up, because of the grass cover. He would also have adored a lot of the tracks Pakistan played on in Sri Lanka, in the middle of the last decade, when they were visiting every other weekend.

Samiuddin: Also can't help but think how he would have gone in Australia. He had one great Test there - in Sydney - but that surface was green that first morning and it had rained and clouds were around, so it was ideal. I think that's probably the last time Australia had anything other than a flat track. His set-ups were like Warne in conception - this one of Clarke especially. He bowled four-five balls to Clarke before this, all good length, on off-stump line, either not seaming or seaming away. Two-three he left alone to keeper. One he drove. This one he tried to drive again and it was the first one that seamed in. So, so, so simple.

Monga: Did you say set-ups? And he did it all without a perfect upright seam the way Mohammed Shami's is. Or maybe bolt upright is not perfect, who knows. Also, Marcus North getting out in three balls reminds me of Asif once saying he is sometimes disappointed with batsmen who don't let him set them up properly and get out before the payoff.

Samiuddin: There was also a great set-up of Shane Watson in a previous Test, where Asif bowled to an 8-1 off-side field for a couple of overs and well wide of off stump. Like, really wide outside. Almost unnoticed he was pulling Watson further and further out to the off side. And then suddenly, when literally nobody was expecting it, he bowled one a little straighter, quicker, it swung in a fair bit. Watson had moved out to off stump in anticipation and the ball ended up missing Watson's leg stump by millimetres. I don't think I would ever have seen a dismissal like that. All that work for one ball and it only narrowly didn't come off.

Fernando: I feel like we could be on Asif all day.

Samiuddin: The point of all of which is that I don't think I have regretted not seeing more of any cricketer than Asif. So that's decided. How about some others?

Though, I mean, Pakistan could put out three XIs of these players who were lost and they could play a pointless tri-series among themselves. Like Mohammad Zahid. Fastest four balls Brian Lara faced in his life.

Monga: Would Umar Akmal qualify?

Fernando: And if we're doing a long Pakistan lamentation, is Fawad Alam in the mix?

Samiuddin: Hundred per cent. Not lost so much as ignored. Overlooked. Spat upon. Trampled.

Monster on a monstrous pitch: Jesse Ryder cut, drove and hooked to 83 in the 2011 World Cup quarter-final in Mirpur, while other batsmen struggled Getty Images

Monga: But we're drawing the line at Ahmed Shahzad?

Fernando: I'd like to throw two Kiwi names into the mix. Both of whom played 18 Tests. Both players of extreme quality. Lost to the game for reasons very different to Asif.

Samiuddin: Martin Guptill?

Fernando: Hah, no one so painfully vanilla. The first I'm thinking of, of course, is Jesse Ryder.

Samiuddin: Did you not once spend an entire six-month period of your life trying to chase him down?

Fernando: For a potential feature, yes, highly unsuccessfully. He was still playing. And still burning bridges. It was like the story hadn't actually stopped unravelling, so no one really wanted to talk about it.

Ryder just had such an instinctive feel for the game, whichever format he was playing. A rock-solid defence, a brutal pull shot, threw all of himself into those drives. When he middled it, you couldn't actually see the ball before it reappeared outside the boundary rope.

Monga: Underrated bowler and exceptional catcher to go with it. And he sold out stadiums. People came to watch Jesse Ryder.

Fernando: He was a monster at backward point.

Samiuddin: In that 2011 World Cup quarter-final in Dhaka, pitch like porridge - that was the only time I saw Ryder play and, my lord, if that wasn't the innings of that tournament. His timing that day was freakishly good. On that pitch - and the thing is, it's difficult to articulate - the difference in watching him bat and others that day was just so, so vast that you had to question yourself. Like, were you assessing the pitch wrong and were the rest just crap?

Monga: New Zealand is so not the country for Jesse. I remember him scoring a flawless double-century against India in Napier, and then breaking a chair or something in disgust when he got out. You can guess what got reported the next day.

Fernando: So I remember this crazy Ryder innings, where again, at the end, a chair got smashed (after a lot of Sri Lankan bowlers had also been smashed).

Samiuddin: I'm seeing a pattern here...

Monga: If I were the coach I would carry extra chairs.

Fernando: It was in the 2009 Champions Trophy. Ryder pulls a hamstring or a calf very early in this match. I think he was 7 off 7 or something like that. Basically can't run. And so he just starts blasting boundaries. Ten fours and a six - 74 off 58 balls.

Monga: He wasn't much for foot movement anyway, but somehow always played close to his body.

Forget the batting for a minute: Ryder also took blinders, like this one to dismiss Upul Tharanga in the 2011 World Cup semi-final AFP

Fernando: Opening partner Brendon McCullum, who is supposed to be this shining paragon of Kiwi aggression, ambles to 42 off 74 at the other end. Eventually Ryder gets out, and he's clearly not happy. Just when he thinks he's out of view of the cameras, he absolutely lays into a plastic chair. Just destroys it with his bat. Except, of course, he wasn't out of view. This was seen and replayed many times. I'm sorry but I loved everything about that.

Samiuddin: Actually more than anything else, New Zealand need(ed) Ryder in their team to shed themselves of the "nicest guys in cricket" tag. I mean, yeah, of course, runs and stuff, but they need a guy in that side who does things like that.

Fernando: The New Zealand hill I will absolutely die on is that they would have converted one of their two World Cup finals into a win if Ryder was in the team. I don't blame the people who kicked Ryder out, really, because he's been given chances by many coaches in various continents - both domestic and international - and he's not managed to rein his behaviour in. But if Ryder had managed to improve the behaviour to juuust within that line, I think we would think of New Zealand as one of the great teams of the last decade, instead of just a very good one. And also just the thought of Williamson trying to captain Ryder - there could have been books written and films made just on that relationship.

Monga: I just feel cricket, especially the international variety, is very tough on someone like Jesse. It would have been a miracle if he had survived. Ross Taylor and Ryder were both discovered together. Neither came from a privileged background, but Taylor's privilege was that he had his act together. Mark Greatbatch, one of their earlier coaches, I remember, told me how Ryder was more skilled but Taylor was more rounded as a person. Ryder would throw up in the bin at the nets, Taylor would come home with a bottle of wine.

Samiuddin: Without knowing the details and insider stuff, was he so, so, so difficult to handle that they really couldn't find a place for him in the team at all? Or make it work somehow?

Fernando: They didn't throw him away lightly, tbf. They gave chances. And many people - agents, coaches, mentors - have tried various approaches and it's not worked out.

Samiuddin: I think that is the other point about these players, that they make so much of an impression, you're always left feeling somehow if the others - boards, teams, managers, agents - had just done something else/more he would have been okay.

Monga: More than anything, they also tell us that sometimes you have to accept things as they are. Especially when a team such as New Zealand does all it can get to keep you in. What joy it was to watch him in full flow. But it wasn't meant to be.

Samiuddin: Who was the other Kiwi?

Fernando: Okay, yes, enough Ryder. Someone who was at the other end of the spectrum in terms of temperament, but also glorious to watch in full flow. Guesses?

Samiuddin: Bond. The name is Bond.

Fernando: Nailed it. Like, Shane Bond with his yorkers.

Samiuddin: Bond is long gone as a bowler, but I feel like he's everywhere in the actions of so many modern fast bowlers.

Shane Bond, destroyer of Australia, failed by his own body Getty Images

Fernando: Huge influence on Tim Southee and Trent Boult.

Monga: Strike rate of 38 but couldn't play enough to get more than his 87 wickets.

Samiuddin: Adam Milne, Matt Henry - all their actions. Naseem Shah.

Fernando: And if we agree that aughts Australia had assembled the greatest ODI batting line up, Bond was the greatest destroyer of that top order. Seventeen matches v Aus: average of 15.79, SR of 21.4, economy rate 4.41 - there's no touching that in ODIs

Samiuddin: Bond, in a very different way, is the epitome of what Monga said earlier, about how it's just meant to be for some. No off-field issues (that I can think of), great guy to have in a team. But just had a body that couldn't sustain it.

Monga: In a way I agree, but you can continue working on the body, you can even come back as a bowler with less pace but more wiles, you can still cut yourself a career, but it is different with mental health.

Fernando: Bond just was incredibly, incredibly fragile, though. I'm not sure even turning himself into a medium-pacer - which he has said he was never interested in, btw - would have worked. There were unusual things as well: I remember he once went off the field in a match with a migraine and couldn't bowl, and caught absolute hell on talkback radio in New Zealand for being soft.

Samiuddin: Incidentally, Bond talked about the injuries stemming - ironically - from that action, in this great piece on him by Rahul Bhattacharya, at the 2007 World Cup. He talks here about losing a little of that pace.

Fernando: His last Test, which was a fantastic game against Pakistan in Dunedin, he blew them away with pace in the first innings, iirc.

Monga: It was a great Test. Akmal was unleashed in this game, right?

Fernando: Yes, Asif took 4 for 43 as well. Pity Ryder didn't play. It would have been the poster Test for everything we've talked about.

Monga: Ryder was a veteran of wistfulness by then.

Fernando: Fawad Alam was in that Test as well! Here's the wicket description from the first dig: "Bond's breathing fire here, he hits the deck hard from over the wicket, lands it short of a length on middle and Fawad barely had time to react and fend it off, he fails to drop his gloves down and the ball shaves his glove before landing safely in McCullum's hands."

Underrated, but celebrated: would Ryan Harris have had a greater impact had big names not kept him out of the Australian team early in his career? Getty Images

Monga: While sticking with fast bowlers, I have a name that I am not sure you will agree with. It is more down to having been kept out by big names throughout his 20s, but what we saw of Ryan Harris in 27 Tests in his 30s (also cut short by a back surgery, which he went to after taking a last wicket in the dying moments of a momentous Test) makes me wonder with a little disappointment what a great bowler we lost out on.

Samiuddin: Absolutely, only four more Tests than Asif.

Monga: And what an Asif-like bowler too.

Samiuddin: But I also feel with Harris that Australia celebrated him so much, that he was part of so many big moments against South Africa and England - big series - that he kind of lived a full career… which, of course, he never did in reality

Fernando: And I guess that the injuries came at an age when you expect those things to happen to a quick. Whereas Asif's exit seemed so premature.

Monga: His wrist admittedly did less magic than Asif, but his accuracy was stifling. He lived by the Asif philosophy: if I beat the bat, I should be hitting the pad or the stumps; if I take the edge, it should go to keeper or first slip

Samiuddin: Except, quicker than Asif. Always felt Stuart Clark was the more like-for-like Asif bowler

Monga: We love Asif for the highlights reels his wickets make it to, but arguably Harris has provided us with better seam porn. Have a look at this. This also reminds me, I recently saw Harris seam a ball in the IPL. That I would never have believed had there been no video evidence.

Samiuddin: Asif seamed some balls in the IPL too - 2008.

Fernando: What a trip it is now to think that Pakistan players actually took part in the IPL.

Monga: The greatest loss to cricket: Pakistan players missing the IPL.

Samiuddin: Snap.

Fernando: Genuinely, though, they would have changed the dynamic of that tournament so much. And you suspect the IPL would have changed Pakistan cricket as well.

Samiuddin: But the PSL may not have happened also... Or maybe it would have happened earlier.

Fernando: Umar Gul would have cut it up.

Samiuddin: And Sohail Tanvir as the greatest T20 bowler ever?

Chris Lewis: the blueprint for Jofra Archer? Getty Images

Fernando: Lasith Malinga would still have crushed it, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Samiuddin: I know I'm being old and boomer-y but Malinga in Tests, I feel, is an unfulfilled thing.

Monga: Malinga would have made a bowler of great spells in Test cricket. Innocuous for long whiles, but then a switch would flick on and he would run through three-four guys in one three-over spell on a humid day at the SSC.

Samiuddin: Yes and that three-over spell would have turned the day, the Test, even the series.

Fernando: If you can hustle a fantastic batsman with a bouncer in Galle, you're a decent bowler. But then with Malinga, it's kind of a double-edged sword. You don't have Malinga if you don't have that action. And you probably can't have that action and a long Test career. What makes him is what breaks him. Unlike, say Bond, who could conceivably have had a long career with a better body.

Samiuddin: Before starting this I had made a list of all the players that would feature here: Shaun Tait, Vinod Kambli, Mohammad Zahid, Asif, Ryder, Wasim Raja, all of South Africa before return, Chris Lewis…

Chris Lewis, man. I watch Jofra and I get strong Lewis vibes. Not in terms of the pace or anything, but in how easily he did things, without showing any signs of the strain and toll it takes on a body. Though who knows how quick Lewis was - no speed guns in his time and he was never celebrated for his pace. But he could bat a bit, great in the field, loose and easy action.

Monga: Did we get enough of Steve Harmison?

Samiuddin: Yes. Harmison played 63 Tests.

Fernando: But I think we've mostly exhausted this chat now. We're dipping into the '90s, and now discussing players who actually had decently long careers. We'll be talking about Kevin Pietersen next. I've just sat in on too many conversations in England about what a loss KP was. And he played 104 Tests.

Samiuddin: In England if you don't play 150 Tests, you ain't nothing.

Monga: And now the rhinos have him. Poor rhinos. Though I think he is actually doing something for them.

Fernando: He's probably trash-talking them behind their backs. Anyway, I think this conversation has degenerated. Like the actions of so many fast bowlers gone before their time.

Osman: Yeah, I think we're done.

Fernando: Let's call it. I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to put on some Asif highlights reels, eat huge quantities of ice cream straight from the tub, and cry myself to sleep.

[seeminglyseph]

For a period of time before I fully like... understood? My identity, I had curated my online existence to a point where I just didn't see many (at the time identifying as)male perspectives. I'd dealt with so much misogyny that I recoiled into that early 2010's tumblr mentality of gender essentialism and radfem-y 'Yes All Men' mindset, and every time I saw a trans dude talking about that being shitty I wrote them off as over sensitive manchildren who couldn't understand when things "weren't about them." The complaints of female violence, despite being a victim of it myself, got written off because ultimately it was "too rare an occurrence to be taken seriously."

I grew past that, thankfully, I got to know a lot more guys, again, and got close enough to talk comfortably. I realised that the situations guys were being mocked for complaining about were way way more common than the few, fluke occurences that I had thought they were. I got to know guys who were just so scared and frustrated by the fact that their sexuality was seen as so predatory that the existence of it was reason enough to attack them, that it made them feel like they should just give up trying like... anything. Guys didn't test my trivia they tested whether I would suddenly verbally assault them, because a lot of people thought doing so was guilt free blood sport. It really helped me see that by only letting myself see one side and by villainizing the entirety of another, I was blinding myself to, and thus allowing, a lot of violence. Because a lot of people stopped the conversation when they summed it up to 'straight men are afraid to compliment girls anymore' and I have to wonder now how many time I did, too.

And it does take a lot of guilt honestly, I had a friend at the time who treated it like I was getting red pilled and becoming dangerous. And it seemed like accepting my gender identity just confirmed her suspicions that I'd been turned to the Dark Side in a way. I felt guilty about having been assaulted by a woman because I was a blip in the "statistics." I have heard beyond grotesque stories from people sitting in the room with me and still made them exceptions. Because it felt like betraying the people I loved to love myself. To believe that I didn't deserve it. Every time a therapist asked me if I reported it to the police I was surprised because why would I report a woman for assault? "I mean she probably didn't even consider it assault. I mean just because I feel bad doesn't mean I had anything happen to me. I mean heroes in romantic comedies do this sort of thing..." it took a long time to accept that perfectly normal non monstrous serial killer extreme case everyday women could be predator, just like totally normal everyday guys. And that felt like a betrayal to code, and that gave me a lot of shame, guilt and conflicted anger. And not a lot of sympathy.

Beginning my social transition, and trying to understand how much damage the radical "feminist" bullshit that had crept into my sense of reality really did to my sense of identity and ability to love myself... and I'm realizing a lot of stages other men have gone through, the whiplash of self loathing that is the euphoria of a male identity. That I feel so much joy in being masculine and so much guilt for that joy. I feel like all I am is a failed woman, and that i should be ashamed of myself. I'd internalized so much that it felt like not being ashamed, and repenting for myself was inherently misogynistic. (There may be some catholic guilt there too I cannot deny that.)

I think it's been mentioned before that trans men have an invisibility problem, it seems like if you ever meet one of us we're complaining about our "made up problems" and nothing else. But it seems to me like it's the invisibility. Like, when we do something good, it's not good enough to be of note because it's what's expected of a man to accomplish, but when we do something "annoying" like talk about maybe some cis women taking some accountability for some violence committed against trans men... well then the trial by public begins and well it seems like we only have something to contribute when it involves tearing down men, just proving all men are inherently misogynistic. (I have seen that a lot of transmasc contributions tend to not be attributed to transmasc people or the trans masc community? And a lot of men posthumously assigned female...) Because we blend in until we pop out, and we pop out when we say something "anti-woman" (my complaint is with the misuse of the term, not the term itself, it's an unfortunate case of a valid term being misused) unfortunately we tend to be seen as "anti-woman" by existing because we were... given the chance and we squandered it? And by choosing to be male we are choosing to accept that we are hurting people by existing and we need to just accept that there will be retaliations against us as a consequence of making this choice. If you cause someone harm you must accept the consequences and I cause harm by existing, so.... consequences. But also it feels like no one will admit those "consequences" are happening and all that they see are the bubbles that come up when we cry or lash out.

Something that has bothered me a lot is how people talk about "misogynistic trans men." Because obviously they exist, but, there's more often than not the assumption that all trans men are inherently misogynists (whether this accusation be violent, or because they think we are too stupid to be conscious of these things), and we have to be hypervigilant about ourselves and others in our community. Also that we have to fix this problem in our community before we get to be taken seriously or listened to.

And it's not like we are immune to being misogynists, but neither is....anyone. Not cis women, not nonbinary people, etc... And I don't know that being a trans man makes misogyny more uniquely inherent to us than it does anyone else.

Yet time after time we are singled out and patronized with posts that imply we think we can't be misogynists becuase were trans, that imply if we want to get a seat at the table we have to "fix" this "problem," or just contend with the fact that manhood is inherently corrupt and this is what we get for "choosing" it.

I don't know man, I'm kind of over it.

Yeah, it's almost as if trans men are also targeted by misogyny, and regardless of who internalizes and perpetuates it, we are not responsible for the systems designed to oppress us.

[its-all-ineffable]

Thanks for the tag @night-academy! I'm happy to do this!

1) How many complete fics/one shots do you have that you have not published (yet)? None atm. I have so many WIP's and fic plans, but no completed ones that are unpublished!

2) How many WIPs do you have right now? Too many to count! I recently watched The Batman so I have a million fic ideas for that, as well as all the other ideas and partially written fics in notebooks and on my laptop!

3) Do you take writing requests or write original ideas, or both? I mainly write original ideas, though I did write fics for a couple of my followers' birthdays and for a follower celebration on my sideblog @pepperpottsandcompany.

4) If you do take requests, how many do you currently have? None, as I only take requests on special occasions!

5) How many fandoms do you write for? I mean...I have a post that's a list of the fandoms I count myself as in and I'd like to write for most of them, so, a lot?😂

6) Are there any fandoms you wrote for in the past that you no longer write for? Umm...not really? I've not written for Class or Supernatural in a while, but that's because I fixate on fandoms and whatever I'm fixated on I write and plan fics for, and then I move on.

7) Do you write for ships, reader inserts or other? Ships, characters, platonic relationships, stuff like that. I have a few Original Characters planned for some fics and two published fics with OC's in, but reader inserts aren't really my thing.

8) Niche fandoms/characters you write for? I think Class counts? I'll say Class. There's probably some others that I don't consider niche.

9) Do you read fics as well as write them? Yes, loads of fics, I love reading them! Reading them on AO3 was actually what inspired me to set up an account on there an write.

10) What is your favourite genre to write for? I mean...in terms of fanfic genres? I love fluff.

11) What is your favourite trope (to read/write)? Hurt/Comfort. Without doubt.

12) What do you do to get motivated to write? Honestly, if I watch something that usually gives me loads of fic ideas for that particular thing!

13) Is there a trope/genre you like to read, but not write? Smut. All smut. I tried it a couple of times but my asexual ass just cannot write it well for whatever reason.

14) Any characters/fandoms you want to write for that are never requested? Welp...

15) How long have you been writing fan fiction? I mean...I've been posting it since 2016, and I was writing what I KNEW to be fanfiction in 2015-ish, but I technically started writing it when I was about 8, in 2010, but back then they were just stories I wrote for shows I liked.

16) Did you read fan fiction before you started writing? I wasn't reading before 2010, but I began reading fics in around 2015 I'd say? Maybe even 2014? So yes, kind of.

17) Do you only post on Tumblr, or any other sites as well? I don't really post fics on Tumblr, except the requests for follower celebrations & birthdays. I mainly post on AO3!

18) What do you personally consider the word counts of “Drabble”, “One shots” and “fics”? Drabbles are 100-500 words imo. One shots can be anything from 500 words to whatever word count people like, as long as they're one 'chapter'. Fics are all fanfictions, no matter the word count!

19) Which do you prefer to write more? HC, drabbles, oneshots/fics, multi chapter stories, other? I mean... I plan SO MANY multichapter fics, but out of the ones I've posted I've not finished many of them. My oneshots are more successful because I finish them and happily send them out knowing they're all done.

20) Are there any stories you have discontinued? If so, why? I've not discontinued any, but there are quiet a few fics on my AO3 that I've had to put on hiatus because I don't have the time or inspiration to continue them right now.

21) What is one of your main “pet-peeves” as a writer on Tumblr? Since I don't really write on here I couldn't say.

22) Do you write a particular time of day? Not really, just whenever inspiration strikes.

23) Do you listen to music, ambiance/noise, etc to write or do you need silence? I like to have noise, so music or a show/movie I know well playing in the background usually.

24) Do you outline your fics at all before writing? Most of the time, but in a lot of detail for multichapter fics!

25) Do you post your writing as soon as you finish it, or do you schedule it to come out at a specific time/day? It depends. Some fics I pre-write and post on specific days like my Christmas Advent Calendar fics. Sometimes I write oneshots and edit them a couple of days later, sometimes I write then post. It depends on the fic and my mood at the time!

That was fun! I tag @technically-whizzy, @fanboy-sloth, @scarlct-vvitch, @thighs-of-betrayal-blog, @lonelygodsmuse and any other fanfic writers that see this!

Writer Q&A

Thanks to @beecastle for the tag!

1) How many complete fics/one shots do you have that you have not published (yet)?

I actually don't have any! After finishing the last bingo prompt, I've worked a little on TDE, so the other squares of the card remain unstarted

2) How many WIPs do you have right now?

Oh god... I'm terms of ones that could probably be classed as WIPs (started but not yet finished) I have 3, but in order to finish the bingo card, there's 11 more (unstarted) squares so if they count, then 14

3) Do you take writing requests or write original ideas, or both? 

I do both! And gladly too, since people's requests tend to be far more interesting than what I can come up with

4) If you do take requests, how many do you currently have? 

None at the moment

5) How many fandoms do you write for? 

I've just started writing for ymata so, adding that to the list, that makes 13 different fandoms

6) Are there any fandoms you wrote for in the past that you no longer write for?

Yeah, definitely. When I fall out of fandoms, I stop writing for them. So, to name a few, I no longer write for Hamilton, tlotfk or really, the MCU (though I'm still in and out with that fandom and I wrote something about six weeks ago, so this one is more of a tbc)

7) Do you write for ships, reader inserts or other?

Usually it's "other" since a lot of my works don't focus on relationships, and if they did, it's usually not romantic. Sometimes though, I do love writing a good ship fic (warms the heart, you know how it is) and I have dabbled in exactly 3 reader inserts, all of which I can still remember (maybe something to try again in the future?)

8) Niche fandoms/characters you write for?

ymata, and I say that because it had something like 16 works on AO3... And I would extend my fandom range and write for hhgttg if anyone anywhere actually knew what it was

9) Do you read fics as well as write them?

Oh yeah, of course! I love reading fics sometimes, some people have incredible imaginations

10) What is your favorite genre to write for? 

fantasy, because I get to mess around with the rules and adapt the characters to my liking

11) What is your favorite trope (to read/write)? 

Hurt/comfort all the way! It's something about breaking a character down just to build them up again that opens up so many opportunities

12) What do you do to get motivated to write?

Read something else? Usually that's the answer, to read something else, but sometimes it's as simple as getting myself excited about the prompt

13) Is there a trope/genre you like to read, but not write?

I can't think of any off the top of my head, to tell you the truth

14) Any characters/fandoms you want to write for that are never requested?

Oh I am lacking in Prodigal Son requests tbh I'd love to write for that fandom more. Also Bandstand, because I love Bandstand and people don't talk about it??

15) How long have you been writing fan fiction?

Since 2016, I had a wattpad account in the good old days and I wrote bad fanfic on there for ages

16) Did you read fan fiction before you started writing?

I started reading and writing fanfic at roughly the same time tbh

17) Do you only post on Tumblr, or any other sites as well?

No I'm fairly active on AO3, and some of those things I don't even post to Tumblr

18) What do you personally consider the word counts of “Drabble”, “One shots” and “fics”?

Personally, a drabble is something that's between 1-750 words, anything over that is a one shot, and it becomes a fic when it has more than one chapter, or if the one chapter is over 3k, maybe

19) Which do you prefer to write more? HC, drabbles, oneshots/fics, multi chapter stories, other?

You'll find me writing one shots most of the time, because the plan that I have for a fic doesn't often go beyond the limits of a chapter, so I'm able to get everything done without having to make another chapter. I say this, and yet all of my non fandom WIPs are very much multi chapter (even the ones I haven't started yet have plans to be multi chapter, and there's four of those, so maybe I'm a hypocrite)

20) Are there any stories you have discontinued? If so, why?

A lot, yes. The first one I remember discontinuing was an ith one called Social Anxiety, and I discontinued that when I started to fall away from the fandom. That was a shame really, because I was starting to get into the flow of writing it, then I lost all motivation for it. Most recently, I've discontinued something called Winter Warmers, which never made it past the pages in my notebook, and I discontinued it because I had a better idea that wouldn't seem to drag on for eternity

21) What is one of your main “pet-peeves” as a writer on Tumblr?

 I agree with you, Bee, I think I might have to say people not commenting on fics they enjoy, because as a writer, it makes it more obvious that someone liked your work and actually read it, unlike just giving it a like

22) Do you write a particular time of day?

During the tutor period at college (or whatever it's called) because it's usually boring and I have nothing better to be doing, or at night when I get home

23) Do you listen to music, ambiance/noise, etc to write or do you need silence?

Oh yeah, I listen to music when I write. Actually, I can write sat in a room with other people as well, just so long as it isn't silent, cos for some reason, I find it hard to concentrate on anything when it's silent

24) Do you outline your fics at all before writing?

For a lot of multi chapter ones, yeah, I write up something rough, and it probably turns out irrelevant by the time I actually get to writing the chapter

25) Do you post your writing as soon as you finish it, or do you schedule it to come out at a specific time/day? 

That depends. If I know I'm going on holiday or something, I'll schedule it for when I'm away, but most of the time it comes out as soon as I've finished writing it

My taglist for this is @the-mourning-stars and @its-all-ineffable , with no pressure on either of you, and then the rest is left open! (You can rb this or make a new post idm either way)