kaimatthew-blog

[kaimatthew-blog]

Sibling Stuff.

When you grow up in a toxic family dynamic where you are scapegoated by an abusive narcissistic mother, it can be hard to see that your sibling relationship is toxic too.  Your mother has done her job well and convinced you so thoroughly that you are unworthy and undeserving that, the toxic behaviour from a sibling pales in comparison. The truth of an abusive narcissist is that they have chosen to wear a mask. Refusing to except any dysfunction within themselves needing professional help and having realised  that certain behaviours will not be tolerated by friends, family or in the work place… they focus it inside their own home. There will be many varying pictures of the resulting dynamic but, the one most often seen is that of scapegoat and golden child.  One child chosen as a status symbol to reflect themselves.  One child chosen to carry the burden of their own demons. The Golden child can do no wrong.  A narcissistic parent often cannot teach their child empathy. So, the Golden Child without other positive influence growing up may not learn it. When this is the case, the Golden Child realises early on they will be rewarded for abusing the Scapegoat. Gaining such approval quickly becomes a way to receive “love” from the parent that has not come unconditionally as it would with nurturing and empathy. They quickly learn that the Scapegoat is everything they should not be. Without other external positive influence, the chances are that golden children will carry on the cycle of abuse having become an abusive narcissist themselves.  The Scapegoat can do no right.  The theory here is that, living with a parent without empathy who constantly tells them they are not well behaved enough, not kind enough, not good enough… the Scapegoat develops a healthy level of empathy as a side effect  of their constant desire to improve enough to be loved. They grow up without entitlement having been deprived. In this sense, the Scapegoat is the lucky one. Trying to keep this short and to the point. Situations will happen, where the Scapegoat knows the Golden Child is not the wonderful person they are made out to be, the unfairness will become unbearable and the Scapegoat will point this out.  The Golden Child who has learned empathy from other sources may come around at this point and the road to healing for both of them can begin.  The Golden Child who is too invested in the projection of themselves as wonderful and the family as perfect (apart from the Scapegoat) will not.  Behind the scenes, the abusive narcissist who is pulling the strings will goad each child against each other. While the Scapegoat is hurt and defensive, the Golden Child sibling angry and attacking.  What changes in adulthood?  Here is another chance outside the family home with other positive influences for the Golden Child to change and become aware of the toxic family dynamic. Often however, they do not. When the siblings leave home, the abusive narcissist loses influence but, old patterns will remain, often overlooked by the Scapegoat.  The Golden Child will make excuses to not spend time with the Scapegoat.  The Golden Child will emerge more when they want or need something.  The Golden Child will spend more time with the Scapegoat during high accomplishments for them.  The Scapegoat’s accomplishments will go unnoticed.  The Scapegoat will find the Golden Child busy when needing any kind of support of their own except in situations the Golden Child can use to look good to others.  The Scapegoat will not notice this in comparison to the cruelty given by the narcissistic parent which is hidden by the parent from the Golden Child.  All the while the Scapegoat, believing themselves intrinsically unworthy, will make excuses for the Golden Child, and only want to see the best in them.  What happens when the Scapegoat has issues with the abusive narcissist parent and refuses to be the bad guy any longer? The Scapegoat’s eyes will suddenly be opened wide. As they deal with all the tools an abusive narcissist holds dear, like manipulation, gaslighting and smear campaigns.. they suddenly find this coming from two sources instead of one. The Golden Child will refuse to believe what the Scapegoat says about the parent and will actively become abusive themselves in order to protect the family projection and to avoid seeing any imperfection in themselves, The Scapegoat will suddenly realise that, those two sources quickly become an army of family and family friends who, have been told so often that the Scapegoat is bad, wrong and just crazy that they cannot believe the truth.     Without other Scapegoated siblings, the Scapegoat learns the hard way that the one person who could validate their childhood is invested in the lie.  They are alone.  Is there a happy ending for the Scapegoat?  Oh yes.  Yes there is.  You wouldn’t be reading this if you did not know yourself the child of an abusive narcissist. If you didn’t know before now, you still read this far.  Scapegoats are strong and resilient. They have empathy and love and understanding. They actively want and seek healing. With time, they can go on to live beautiful fulfilled lives.  The same is true for Golden Children who find empathy and shed the family curse.  If you are reading this and you have found yourself nodding along…  That means you.  <3

[kaimatthew-blog]

There’s this “Hierarchy of Abuse” in abusive families and environments, it’s like an unsaid law about who is allowed to hurt who, for example take the most dangerous, most terrifying parent, they’re allowed to abuse everyone in the family, to use any measure to dominate the field and have their way every time, and everyone else is to endure it and put their heads down and obey, and this kind of continual abuse is going to build up frustration and anger and family members won’t be able to keep that down for long, they can’t confront the main abuser or call them out because that’s too dangerous, too risky, they might end up punished even worse for daring to speak up, so they pick their targets, family members who are more unlikely to retaliate, the ones with less power, and take it out on them instead. 

That’s how you get a mother taking out abuse on her children, (or father, if mother is the main abuser) because if he is allowed to abuse her all he wants, then at least she should get to treat children any way she wants, since they’re lower in the hierarchy of power, they can’t defend or strike back, and she will feel safe to hurt them, she will even demand that they have to understand that she has it rough so they should at least let her take it out on them. She’s in that way “re-claiming” some power, in a twisted way because hurting a child does not give you power, it makes you a piece of shit. I’ve seen this turn around though, sometimes the children will be allowed in actual higher place in hierarchy and will get to abuse the mother! If the main abuser favours a child over the mother and supports the abuse of mother, the children will follow because they don’t want to end up the last in hierarchy and take the worst of the abuse. But the original structure is, one parent abuses another, sometimes children too, and the other parent gets to take it out on the children, and children then get to take it out on each other, older child on the younger, or sometimes it will be the reverse, if the main abuser favours a younger child it will actually get to beat and abuse the older one. 

This kind of “Abuse Hierarchy” will stay rooted inside of a child’s brain and the person will study every new environment to find their place in hierarchy, to figure out who they need to tolerate abuse from, and who they can hurt all they want because they can and will get away with it, that’s how you get bullies, violent children, and later, people who will fight to be at the highest possible position in hierarchy, at work and in society, merely to abuse that position and abuse and humiliate as many people as possible, they’re still living out their childhood, fighting to be the main abuser so they could control everyone and get their way every time, that’s what the hierarchy creates, a fight to always be on top, to always be the strongest abuser. 

And of course, there’s those who have always been on the last place in Abuse Hierarchy. The ones who took abuse from everyone else. They learned they have no worth and no sense except to take abuse from others. They blame themselves for being in the last place, as if it’s their fault they were born into a situation that destroys them slowly, for other’s benefit. They don’t want to be on the top, they don’t want to hurt anyone, because they know how bad it feels to be on the other side. They wont fight to abuse anyone. They try to help others, to do good, to deserve better. They’re not harmful, but they carry a heavy burden of guilt and shame that isn’t theirs to carry. They’re exploited so everyone else in the hierarchy would have it better. They’re taking all the frustrations, pain, insults, emotional abuse, psychological damage, even physical damage in their bodies and minds so that others wouldn’t have to carry it. They get destroyed. Nobody acknowledges it. They get no credit. They’re dehumanized. Their lives used to make everyone else’s lives easier.

Abusers would be nothing without the last ones in hierarchy. Abusers would never be able to feel superior, strong, powerful or great without having someone to humiliate and hurt. Abusers are empty, just a shell of a person, no worth or humanity inside, they think the ability to destroy what is good, to hurt and abuse what is good makes them powerful, that damage, rather than creation, makes them great. They’re not great. They’re nothing. They don’t do anything for this world. They’re a burden to society, their family, and the ones they force into the toxic hierarchy. They owe everything they are, and everything they have, to those they abused the most.

[kaimatthew-blog]

DONT NORMALISE TOXIC SIBLINGS DONT NORMALISE TOXIC SIBLINGS DONT NORMALISE TOXIC SIBLINGS

If one siblings constantly abuses their other sibling either emotionally, physically, or sexually THIS IS NOT OKAY AND/OR NORMAL

[kaimatthew-blog]

What the Hell is “Gaslighting”?

In 1938, a stage play called “Gas Light” debuted for the first time. The play is about a husband who gradually convinces his wife she’s insane by acting strangely and secretly manipulating objects in the house - like dimming the gas lights in the attic - and refusing to acknowledge that they’ve changed. Today, the term “gaslighting” is used to describe any behaviour designed to make another person question their sanity.  Gaslighting is abusive behaviour. Any person who tries to make you doubt your own sanity does not have your best interests at heart. Gaslighting is a tool to keep you in an abusive relationship, and prevent you from reaching out for help. 

In its weakest form, gaslighting means convincing you that you are misremembering or exaggerating something that happened. “I never said it like that, you’re exaggerating!” or “You’re making it sound worse than it was!” are common examples of gaslighting. At the end of the conversation, you might even find yourself apologizing to the other person, even though you were pretty sure that they were in the wrong. This sort of thing can happen in a normal relationship, especially if one or both parties aren’t very self-aware, but it’s a concern if it happens all the time… especially if only one person seems to have a faulty memory. Gaslighting can also mean convincing you that events didn’t happen at all. Your abuser can absolve themselves of responsibility, and keep you in check, by convincing you that abuse never took place. “We never had a fight at my brother’s wedding… are you feeling okay?” or “I’ve never thrown anything at you in my life! Do you have a fever or something?” are more serious examples of gaslighting, and they are absolutely not okay. If someone is trying to convince you that a fight or episode of abuse never happened, that’s a huge red flag that cannot be ignored.  At its very worst, abusers may go out of their way to stage strange events in order to confuse their victims. An abuser trying to keep a victim in check, or socially isolate a victim, may go out of their way to act strangely in order to make their victim doubt their own mind. Abusers may steal things from you, disappear for days on end and claim that they told you where they were going (or deny being gone), or mislabel your reactions as they’re happening (eg. pretending that you are irrationally angry when you are actually calm). These are also huge red flags, and cannot be ignored.  Gaslighting is not unique to abusive romantic relationships: it is also common in toxic parent/child relationships, sibling relationships, friendships or school bullying. Anyone who mistreats you can gaslight you.  The best defense against gaslighting is self-confidence, and careful recording. Trust in your own mind. You know when you’ve been abused. You know your own reactions. And write things down - keeping a careful record of abusive incidents and what was said or done gives you a record to consult when someone else gets in your head.  Gaslighting can make it especially difficult to recognize and leave a bad relationship, and no one deserves to go through it. Know the signs. Protect yourself. You deserve better. 

[kaimatthew-blog]

You’re not over exaggerating. You’re not too sensitive. If it hurts you it hurts you. If it makes you angry, then it makes you angry. There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling.

[kaimatthew-blog]

Normal versus Abusive.

“What you said/did really hurt me” Normal response.  “I’m so sorry, I would never want to hurt you. Please forgive me, it will never happen again” Then they do their best to make it up to you and never do it again.  Abusive response. “I was joking! Wow I always have to walk on egg shells around you. You always make everything so difficult and complicated! Normal people wouldn’t be upset about that and I never even said it anyway!” Then the abuse escalates, you start to notice their friends and family are distant with you. You have the constant feeling you are somehow a bad person.  <3

[kaimatthew-blog]

DONT FUCKING HAVE CHILDREN IF YOU CANT TOLERATE THEM ‘ANNOYING’ YOU OR MAKING YOU ANGRY DONT TREAT THEM LIKE FUCKING VENTING BAGS AND EXPECT THEM TO LOVE YOUR FUCKING MANIPULATIVE ASS THEYRE HUMANS. JUST LIKE YOUR COLLEAGUES FRIENDS OR RELATIVES START TREATING THEM LIKE YOU WOULD TO THOSE SAID PERSONS

[kaimatthew-blog]

signs that your family is abusive:

you feel the urge to hide from them whenever you’re vulnerable

you cannot bear the idea of them seeing you cry

when you’re hurt or in pain, you don’t go to them because you feel they’ll tell you that you deserved it or that it was your fault

you don’t feel like you can confide in them, either because they don’t seem to care, or try to control how you act, or yell at you and punish you, or use the information against you

you feel very self-conscious around them and keep expecting criticism and insults

you can’t tell them about your struggles because you already know they’ll side against you

you keep things in your life secret from them because you have a feeling they would ridicule, humiliate, and judge you if they knew, or take everything away from you

you feel scared of letting them know when they hurt you

you feel scared and guilty when you so much as think about them in a bad way

you feel the urge to remind yourself of all the things they did for you, whenever something bad comes up, to be sure that you’re seeing them the way they want to be seen by you

you’re scared of being accused of being a burden to them

you’re scared to hold them responsible for things they did to you, because you know they would argue otherwise, and insist they had full right to do what they did, or that you made it up

you have the inner sense of dread that nothing you ever do or say will be taken seriously by them, and your life will always look like a joke to them

you dream of living far away from them and feel guilty for wanting to cut them from your life

you don’t feel like you’re really important in comparison to them, it feels like it’s better to just step aside and let them be important, your life doesn’t matter as much anyway

you’re worried about how your every action might affect their life, their reputation and social standing

you feel that they’re ashamed of you and you’re trying your best not to bring further shame on the family

you feel like you’ll owe them for the rest of your life and nothing you ever do will be enough to erase the debt, and this fills you with dread and feeling of being trapped

you don’t count on their help when you’re in trouble, you’re scared of them finding out and punishing you for being in trouble in the first place

you don’t count on them sharing their resources with you, you know you have to be grateful for how much they’ve given you already and feel like you have no right to ask for anything more, even if you need it

you can’t feel warmth or safety when surrounded by family, instead you wish you didn’t have to be there, and seek a place to hide and protect yourself

holidays spent with family are just painful and something you try to endure instead of enjoy

you can’t imagine a world where you’re free and not defined by these people

[kaimatthew-blog]

When my parents try to explain/justify why they act the way they do

I’m just like:

[kaimatthew-blog]

Shout out to everyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family with parents in a toxic relationship, and now don't really know what a healthy relationship looks like, and feel kind of confused and lost.

Sometimes the biggest fear is becoming just like them.

[kaimatthew-blog]

Stop blaming yourself for other people’s shitty doings to you.

They fucked up, not you.

[kaimatthew-blog]

Me as a child, projecting my unmet need for love and care onto every person I encountered:

[kaimatthew-blog]

signs you’re recovering from long term abuse:

bursts of rage, or continuous rage at what was done to you

desire to overpower, restrain, chain up, torture or murder your abuser

clarity and full belief in your perception, complete rejection of abuser’s point of view

no longer caring what the abuser thinks of you, knowing their opinion is worthless and filled with lies

cutting off abusers easily as soon as you notice they’re toxic to you

willingness to do whatever it takes to fight for your life

rage at anyone who would cause any further abuse to you

strong conviction that hurting you is evil, and that anyone who does hurt you should be villified for it

full belief that anyone who hurts you is not to be excused for their actions, not given further trust, and that they should pay for it

valuing your freedom of movement, freedom of mind, safety of resources and ability to survive more than any kind of uncertain hopes, promises or validation

unwillingness to depend on someone’s view of you, opinion of you, or affection towards you, as it could change at any second and causes instability and anxiety

valuing stability more than highs and lows

ability to detect when someone is trying to confuse you, divert your point, make you look bad with the intention of punishing or controlling you, silence you or make themselves superior to you, and reacting with rage

avalanche of rage at any attempt to gaslight you, not willing for one second to doubt your own memory, being completely clear that anyone who pretends they didn’t do and say things they did is lying

unwillingness to consider yourself less valuable or important than other humans, and getting angry whenever you’re treated in such manner

refusing to do as you’re told, even if it makes people angry, knowing that what you want to do is more important than what anyone else wants from you

owning your life for yourself and knowing nobody else has any right to it

anger at everyone who could have helped you while you were abused and didn’t, anger at anyone who sided with your abusers, anger at system which allowed for you to be abused for so long, anger at helplessness to change it

recognition of your situation and full awareness you were helpless during abuse, and that none of it is remotely your fault

unwillingness to pretend and act in social situations

unwillingness abandon your morals, feelings, opinions and personality for the sake of pretend friendships and pretend relationships, only seeking real connections that don’t require you to make yourself socially acceptable

distrust in anyone who you notice is demanding authority, control, abuse and exploitation of another’s life, recognizing abusers and those who abuse the power of their social or economic standing and being actively disgusted by them

no delusions about people “only wanting the best for you” or “only wanting to help” while they’re hurting you, rejecting all harmful and useless advice and minimization of your pain

[kaimatthew-blog]

Gaslighting. The Gift that Keeps on Giving.

Ok, I officially suck at sarcasm.  The trouble with gaslighting is that it sticks. It becomes such an ingrained part of who you are and how you think.  Examples:  You were told often as a child that “you are always in the way”  You can be minding your own business, stood perfectly still, just looking or thinking and someone bumps into you. Your first instinct is to say “sorry”. If by some miracle the person who walked into you manages to say sorry first… what are you going to reply? You reply “No, it’s my fault.. I am always in the way”.  You were blamed or yelled at for things you didn���t do as a child.  Someone you work with has their purse stolen. Your immediate emotional response is guilt and fear. You expect to be blamed and yelled at. You expect to be questioned by the authorities. You may even search your mind over and over for a memory or a clue that actually you are responsible and you did take the purse.  Trying to confront your abuser with the truth of what they said resulting in denial.  Those few occasions when you tried to express your pain, you were told it didn’t happen or was never said to you. So now, every time someone says something hurtful to you, you don’t respond. You can’t trust what you heard. You look for other meanings or decide you must have misunderstood.  You were told you are difficult and oversensitive.  You cannot now trust your emotional responses. You are afraid to react and express yourself in case others see just how ridiculous you really are. You bottle up your emotions to the point you cannot even cry sometimes and you feel empty.  Growing up you were often told you were unlikable and unlovable.  You find yourself as an adult not pursuing friendships or relationships. If they don’t call you, it’s a rejection. If they cancel plans, it’s a rejection. You come to believe that you are intrinsically not wanted by anyone unless they put in enough effort to get to know you and make it inside your defences. Everything is always your fault. Your friend stopped talking to you and you are asked “What did you do wrong?”. Now, the ending of a relationship is a dark journey into despair trying to find the flaw in yourself that ended it. You may call that person promising to change, if they could just please tell you what you did that was so wrong. No matter if they treated you badly, they wouldn’t do that if you could just be better.  You feel crazy. You can’t trust what you hear, what you see, what you think or how you respond. Nothing is solid and tangible. It’s always the worst case scenario. You are afraid of yourself and everyone around you. You are terrified people will see the “real you” and you will never see them again. You can’t push your career or your education because you can’t believe in yourself.  Gaslighting is insidious and invasive and changes everything about the way we relate to ourselves. The only way to fight it is to be mindful. Take the time to think before you respond. Challenge yourself daily. Teach your inner voice to be kind to you. Learn to trust your instincts. Believe in yourself and the wonderful,  imperfectly perfect human being that you are.  <3

[kaimatthew-blog]

10 Signs you have/had toxic parents/been abused/childhood trauma

-you’re passive aggressive towards yourself -“it’s my fault, I didn’t do it but it has be my fault somehow.” -self-harm because you deserve it. -if my parents hate me, I shall hate myself as well. - I’m not being abused, I’m just trying to make myself believe that I’m not a nuisance to my parents. - I shouldn’t bother my parents/abusers with my feelings. -if I deserved love and affection, I should’ve got it a long time ago. - If I’m not good enough to them, I’ll never be good enough to anyone. - they’re always right, I’m the one who’s wrong. -“we’re the best parents, but you don’t deserve how kind and compassionate we are”

[kaimatthew-blog]

This came from a Snapchat discover story, and how true it is.

[kaimatthew-blog]

You deserve someone who actually gives a shit about you. Someone who doesn’t just see you as an extension of themself. Someone who would actually be afraid to lose you. Don’t let anyone else make you believe otherwise.