#well that first sentence is a lie actually. i learned how classes/children worked so i could make item objects

[gertritude-art]

sometimes when you're not a great programmer and everyone looks at you and goes "i don't know... that's scary" when you want to do something in ren'py you have to get creative and by creative i mean code that would make an actual programmer get mad at you

[i-love-hobbies]

(This isn't an anti-Eda, anti-Lilith or anti-Bump post. Just read this fully, please!)

Murder and violence are not ok!

This whole thing started literally after s1ep2 where Eda murdered a dude on screen.

What am I talking about?

"It's just a cartoon. Don't read too much into it."

I don't have a very strong opinion on this but I'm not a fan of normalizing murder. Also "Heroes that are genocidal maniacs, kill the villain cause he's awful." sounds extremely cringe.

And why are you reading a post that analyses a part of a cartoon right now?

"Death is normal on the Boiling isles, so that makes it ok."

Woah, woah! WHAT?

If everyone used that logic, slavery would still be a thing.

Just cause it's normalized in a culture doesn't mean it's less harmful or that everyone that comes from that culture does it.

It can be used to explain someone's actions, but not excuse them.

The ignorance of context.

1. Eda's murders

First I wanna point out that it was never emotional, it was all calculated. Remember when Tibbles scammed her, she didn't attack him back. None of her kills are revenge. She has always had something to win from them.

She has murdered two people, probably more, Adegast and Tibbles.

If she didn't kill Adegast. I can see this going two ways. He would starve to death, which means she put him out of his misery or he would slowly go back to full power which ties with Tibbles.

Batman kills the Joker.

No they are not as bad as the Joker but they would have continued trying to hurt her untill they got the idea of killing Willow and Gus in their sleep. TIBBLES KNEW THEIR ADDRESS!

Also if they were willing to do this. Who knows what else they have done to other people too. By doing this she has saved more lifes than she has taken (mostly kids).

Plus this willingness to kill is probably the reason Luz can go to school. Eda's enemies know that if they become an actual treat, things won't end well.

Her enemies are criminals. They are not stupid enough to think that she is helpless without magic. Especially now that she isn't running from the law.

- Now on to almost killing Amity in s1ep5 by making Luz cheat. That was messed up but not that badly.

Witches are harder to hurt, there were healers around who would help a Blight. She saw Amity use abomination so she knew mainly her traps were gonna be activated by a non-living thing.

Luz was going to be injured if that didn't happen. Amity was not in control of her strength and I don't think Lilith thought this trough. Though both sisters would have probably intervened when this got out of hand.

She also isn't the one to force Luz into the fight as many people have said. She has never on screen forced her opinion on someone else except in s1ep9 which was to protect her from school and changed in that episode. Luz just couldn't leave cause quitting ment never being able to perform magic.

Now I know that the right thing to do here was for her to try talk things through. I'm just saying it's not as bad as it seems.

2. Eda's scamming

To get my point across I'm gonna compare it to Wordlob.

Hers is the equivalent of you trying to buy gold and getting plastic. His is the equivalent of you're desperate for a cure and he promises to give it to you and then steals all your money and leaves you to die.

You're not going to try to buy gold when your desperate are you?

Scamming can take different forms and hers is the least harmful.

And consider this, what else can she do to put food on the table with her two adopted kids, Hooty and Owlbert. She can't find a legal job, cause that would be helping Belos, she'll die before she does that and she definitely knows ways to disguise herself but that puts her at risk as well.

3. Lilith's redemption arc still works

Yes, she did murder a bird in s1ep18, but the way it talked and acted. It seemed like it was mimicking speach.

Yes, she did almost kill a child, but she has made up for it probably in that week and a half that we didn't see considering this is the Boiling isles and everything is trying to kill you.

Plus, Eda only talked about the curse, considering "You hurt Luz, you cursed me!" She is not the person who would forget about her kid.

Bonus, she did make up for it on screen as well. In s2ep2 she saved King from Eda's experiments. In s2ep3 she saved Luz and King with her ice glyphs, when she could have just left, giving time for Eda to get them out of there. If Eda didn't show up Lilith would be dead.

4. Bump's jokes

- Dissecting Luz

I don't know why everyone talks about Bump and Amity trying to dissect Luz. They weren't certain if this was going to kill her. They weren't certain if she was alive. All they knew was that the lie will be broken if this would kill her.

Yes, they did try to catch her later on, but not to kill her. They wanted to make sense of what's going on and hopefully find her parents so she gets at the very least a talk on why she shouldn't do this.

Willow just overreacted which in return made Luz do the same.

- Bump's detention room

This room is a hypnosis one. Hypnosis is a job in real life. It can be dangerous but that can also be said about therapy if the therapist is bad. Depends on who does it.

"Impressive still alive!" This is a joke.

If a hypnotic session is stopped in the middle, you'd be too relaxed to be able to move. He was fine, he just needed some time.

- Bump's add

Everything that attacked Matt was alive. He probably did something to piss them off. But yeah Bump should have done something.

- Detention track

Guys knowing what he did for Willow in s1ep3, it's obvious that he was in a lot of stress. If he did what he did in that episode regularly. You just touch an orb and byeeeeee. Then this place should have been crowded.

Plus the wall with troublemakers' names had what six names and a portrait of lord calamity. Eda left school before three decades. And that's all we got.

He was probably not gonna keep them there even though he said so. He probably wasn't even planning that.

- Grom was very messed up. I have nothing to say except I wouldn't be surprised if the Emporer's coven forces this to be a thing and refuses to send actual adults, so the kids learn from a young age or whatever.

- Same with the photomemory class.

- "Bosha got away with murder. I can't say I approve, but at least she's trying new things."

This was a joke. Bosha's parents definitely have influence. His hands are tied like usual so he has learned to make jokes out of it. Plus since when are principals responsible for what happens out of school grounds.

5. The bat queen

She is a protector of palismans and I don't think she started to kill until the government was against her (I'm talking about her cave having bones all over it.)

I can't say it's completely justified like I did with Eda. But I don't see a way out of it where palisman wouldn't be extinct.

Now let's see our vilians' behaviour

1. Adegast

He was trying to kill Eda for his business by using a child as a bait.

2. Tibbles

He almost murdered four children so his stand is revenged.

3. Piniate

Is keeping people captive and literally is making them helpless as a punishment for not writing a book.

4. Demon hunters

They were gonna trow kids off a cliff. I'm not sure why actually.

5. The cat ladies

They were kidnapping children for their cafe.

6. The "coven" inspecture

She was stealing all the magic from none other than kids for power.

7. Wordlob

Who knows how many people have died, lost their jobs and so one, cause of his scams. All for money.

8. Warden wrath

He cut Eda's head so she goes out with him. Captures people for nothing.

9. Odalia and Alador

Alador was not stopping Odalia from trying to kill Luz. In their mind this was gonna help in combination with their child abuse, with their daughter helping their business. Everything they have done for now is for their business.

They backed up when Alador saw an opportunity for THEIR BUSINESS.

10. Kikimora

She tried to murder a child, cause of jealousy. Uses her authority to make the system even worse, cause how dare them look in her direction.

11. Belos

Is abusing a child and abused Lilith. Is the reason that palisman are getting extinct. Wild magic= death sentence. Basically created a horrible authority system that has created a lot of suffering and who knows how many it has killed. Probably all for power, though we don't know completely.

[angelsswirl]

Vellichor

The One With The First Heat

Ain't it fun? Living in the real world? Ain't it good?

You knew there was something different about your youngest daughter the moment you saw her that morning.

Your first clue was the fact that it took forever for you to get her up for school. Surprisingly, despite her general  grumbling disposition, Peyton was a morning person. She normally woke up before her parents. That morning was different.

Your second clue was Peyton practically sitting under Jisoo the entirety of breakfast. Peyton was your most independent child, she normally did things without her parents and didn't really need the coddling or comfort that her siblings might have at thirteen.

Of course, Jisoo doesn't notice. She's happy to let her kid sit next to her. You're sure Jisoo would try to cradle all of your children like babies if they let her.

So, yes Jisoo doesn't sense a problem, but even if she was aware of something being off with Peyton, she wouldn't know what signs to look for. Not like you do at least.

The third clue came from Peyton herself. Actually, the fourth did too, just that one wasn't so voluntary.

"Mommy, I think I have a fever." You're lip trembled. Peyton had stopped calling you 'mommy' about almost as soon as she had started speaking full sentences.

You managed to suck it down, though. You wouldn't be so easily susceptible to intense emotion if Jisoo would stop getting you pregnant. You had agreed you were done after Peyton, but no, Jisoo's dick had other plans.

But that's beside the point.

You placed the back of your hand on Peyton's forehead. You knew she would be burning up before you even touched her. And sure enough.

As soon as you took your hand away, the fourth clue popped into place. The easily recognizable scent of heat practically hit you like a slap to the face.  And with it comes a wave of tears down your face.

"My baby is growing up."

Peyton just looked at you weirdly. The smell must hit Jisoo, because her head turned sharply towards them, a deep frown on her face.

You pulled Peyton into a tight hug. Ryland and Lia, who honestly you had completely forgotten about, stare at you weirdly too.

Jisoo blew out a sigh, "Well, would you look at the time! It's time for you two to get to school." She quickly grabbed her keys and herded the older girls toward the front door.

"I don't have class until 10:30." Lia grumbled.

"Then sit in the library and study until you do have class." They were pretty much out the door now.

"Is Peyton okay?" Ryland asked softly. Peyton was still being suffocated in that hug.

Jisoo sighed, "She will be." With that, she finally managed to wrangle them out the door.

"Mom? You can let go, now."

You slipped in one last squeeze before releasing Peyton.

It was clear the teenager didn't quite realize what was happening yet. You breifly wondered how long you could keep it that way. Ultimately, you decided against it. Peyton wasn't dumb. She'd figure it out eventually.

"Am I not going to school today?" It was a possibility that Jisoo just forgot her. It's happened before. It wasn't a big deal, it meant she got more breakfast.

"No you're not. You get to stay here with mama and I today."

Peyton shrugged, "Okay. But why? Did I actually have a fever?"

You swallowed harshly, "Yes, but not for the reason you probably think. Your heat started."

Peyton's nose scrunched up. It made sense. She does feel a bit icky and sluggish and like she needs a shower. She frowned, "Well, tell it to go away, I don't want it right now." They both knew it didn't work like that, but Peyton thought it couldn't help. Maybe it was a voluntary thing, and she could opt out or in at her convenience.

"If only it were that easy. Come on, you are going to take a nap, while I schedule a doctor's appointment, and go to the drug store. Jisoo should be back soon." You guided the teenager to your and Jisoo's room. Peyton let herself be guided with a scowl.

You peeled the duvet back and ushered Peyton in, not in the least bit surprised when Peyton drifted toward Jisoo's side.

"I'm not tired, mom."

You hummed, "Sure you're not. I'm going to go get you a tank and some sleep shorts."

Peyton crossed her arms over her chest. She dug her phone out of pocket as you left the room.

Pey Pey: Apparently, I started my heat today. Won't be coming to school today.

Tay Tay: Ew gross

Pey Pey: I know. Mom's freaking out because I'm growing up or something.

Tay Tay: Not to change the subject or anything, but will your sister be here today?

Pey Pey: Yes. Your crush on my sister is getting creepy.

Tay Tay: I'll have you know, my mother raised me to be a great alp-

Pey Pey: Anyway, if Maya asks about me, lie and say I'm skipping or something cool like that.

Tay Tay: How did you successfully manage to interrupt me? We're texting...

Pey Pey: Taylor Bae-Park. Pay attention.

Tay Tay: Whatever. But we both know she will not ask about you. She'd have to stop being teacher's pet for three seconds to do that.

Pey Pey: Don't be mean to her. She's just passionate about learning.

Tay Tay: and my crush on your sister is creepy

Peyton frowned, she pressed dial on the phone and waited as it rung.

Tay Tay: YO WTF I'M IN HALLOWAY'S CLASS YOU ALMOST GOT MY PHONE TAKEN AWAY

Pey Pey: It's what you deserve

Peyton calmly placed her phone on Jisoo's bedside table. You still hadn't come back with her clothes, so she just burrowed down further into the bed as she waited. Seconds later she was out like a light.

You finally came in a few minutes later. You eyed your daughter, "Not tired my ass."

~•~

Becoming a parent had made you an excellent multitasker. While you had been gathering Peyton's change of clothes, you had called the doctor and made an appointment later that day, and made a mental list for the trip to the drug store.

Jisoo had came back from taking Ryland to school and tricking Lia into driving herself to college.

Upon arrival Jisoo's nose scrunched up. You pointed a finger at her in warning, "Do not say whatever it is you're thinking. I know. Go cuddle your daughter, while I'm gone. When I come back we'll take her to the doctor."

Jisoo nodded silently. Then did as she was told.

~•~

You had gotten back from the drug store an hour later. You placed the Gatorade you had bought next to Peyton's phone. You then gently roused her awake.

"Hey Pey, time to go to the doctor." Both Peyton and Jisoo groaned.

Peyton got out of the bed a bit groggily. Jisoo did not get out of the bed.

"You guys go on without me. I'll stay here and sleep the day away."

"Jisoo...."

"I'm up." Jisoo popped up suddenly, "What are you guys waiting on? We have a doctor's appointment to get to!"

~•~

The doctor's visit went about as well as you could have hoped. Peyton is indifferent to a lot of things and this was no exception.

They had gotten the suppressants Peyton needed so she could go back to school the next day. And then headed back to the house.

Peyton plopped down onto the couch next to Jisoo. That's where they stayed until her siblings returned home.

Ryland entered the house first, her nose scrunched up too, but at least she had the common sense not to say anything.

Lia almost said something when she entered, but you assuaged her with a look. You breathed a sigh of relief.

You dodged a bullet there, or so you thought. Your life flashed before your eyes as Maya followed Lia into the house.

Maya didn't say anything. She seemed disoriented and confused and maybe even a bit scared, but that last one was probably because Jisoo was glaring at her.

"Hi, Maya." Peyton greeted shyly.

You're not sure Maya would have been able to reply even if she wanted to.

"Hey Maya, why don't you go home. You can hang out with Lia tommorow." When Peyton's suppressants kicked in went unsaid.

Maya nodded vehemently at you, "Yes ma'am." Lia rolled her eyes, she had just gotten here. Now, she was going to have to drive Maya back to her own home.

Peyton also looked like she wanted to protest, but if she did she'd probably have to answer questions she's not ready to answer.

Maya quickly shuffled out the door, Lia following her reluctantly.

Yes, you had successfully dodged several bullets that day.

[kunoichi-ume]

For the WIP sampler: while I'm curious about Noara's death, I'd much rather hear about her adventures!

Send me an ask with the title that most intrigues you and interests you and I’ll post a little snippet of it or tell you something about it!

Sure you don’t wanna hear about Noara dying? About Torian getting there just in time to be too late to save her, but early enough to get to say goodbye? To say an edited version of the Mandalorian wedding vows because even if she doesnt know it he won’t make her lie to him (about raising children together I mean)? About Noara asking if now she can sleep, just for a moment, and Torian knows it will be longer? 

No? Okay. 

Actually writing her dying at all was a writing exersize that @cinlat sort of dared me to do, sort of a “you never know your character until you put them through ALLLLLL the hell” thing cause I don’t really plan to kill Noara. (Sith Noara however... her days are numbered.)

Noara’s adventure log started when I felt I didn’t really know Noara well enough to keep writing I’ve Got You and was kicking myself for starting the fic so far into the canon story so she wouldn’t be able to grow through her experiences as I worked on her (instead she had to be a finished product and that was bugging me so much!) so I started on Tython and getting into her head from the start.

Have a couple snippets, cause the start of this post was rude I know. They are a bit on the long side, but other than @cinlat who I am pretty sure I shared this doc with, odds are no one else will see this fic if and when I pick it up again because it was more character study than anything but damn if I didnt have fun with it.

Noara’s thoughts as she arrives on Tython to start her trials:

This was the farthest from home she had ever been, not counting wherever she had been before the Jedi brought her to the enclave she’d been raised in. Now she’d left the only home she’d ever known to prove her worth and, hopefully, pass her trials. If she didn’t her dreams of traveling the galaxy and helping people would be gone. She’d be stuck in a research position or raising crops or something else equally unfulfilling even if she understood the necessity of it.

Failure wasn’t an option, not for Noara.

If all the times she had snuck out of her academic classes were any indication, she wouldn’t enjoy life as a scholar.

And the first time she takes a life, even if it’s a Flesh Raider determined to kill her is a big moment for her too:

Noara followed the rock formations, giving her on side where an ambush was less likely, and rounded a corner to see exactly what she had worried she might when she heard their name. Three of the reddish-pink rough skinned creatures crouched on the ground feasting on dead bodies. To make it worse two of the bodies were Jedi and one was their own kind. Flesh eaters and cannibals. That image was going to stick with.her. 

Adjusting her grip on her sabers, wishing she had weapons as real as this fight was going to be, she stepped around the rocks and crouched slightly. Pulling the Force around her, she leapt, propelling herself the considerable distance between her and the Flesh Raiders. They reared up as she landed, one coming at her with a training saber it probably stole off one of the dead Padawans, while the other two drew blasters. 

Reacting quickly, she blocked the first Flesh Raiders first strike before Force pushing it away to buy her time to deal with the other two. As it stumbled away, she slashed her blades at the two firing at her. They knew how to use the blasters, but their aim was horrendous. They hadn’t had these weapons long and she was easily able to sidestep their shots and cut each across the chest with the electrified edges of her blades. 

The creatures cried out, horribly gargled sounds by their misshapen mouths, as they fell. An angry cry behind her reminded Noara of the third Flesh Raider and she turned just in time to block a strike aimed at her skull. Before the beast could react to her quick movement, she stabbed it through the gut with her other weapon. 

It fell, dead, at her feet and Noara had to yank her training saber out of it’s ribcage where it had gotten lodged. She turned her sabers off and frowned at the blood, a sickly brown color, that clung to them. She wanted to clean them but had a feeling this wouldn't be her last fight and that it would be a wasted effort. 

It wasn’t until the smell hit her that what she had just done really sank in. She’d killed them, hadn’t even hesitated. Noara waited for the regret, the sickening guilt her masters had told her would accompany every life she took, but it didn’t come. Just relief that it was them lying on the ground and not her and the familiar thrill she always felt when sparring. She’d assumed that it would be different in a real fight, that it would be less exciting to win when it meant something else died but it wasn’t.

That thought scared her, because she knew how it sounded. It went against everything Jedi stood for and were taught. Taking a deep breath, she pushed all of that away to meditate on later. She was in a dangerous situation and there were other Padawans depending on her. 

And younger Noara might just have an attitude problem, but ya gotta admit the Flesh Raider problem on Tython was seriously mismanaged...

When Noara answered her com a small image of Knight Weller, bending down to brace a wound on his leg, appeared. He looked her image over in relief. “You’re unharmed, good. A Flesh Raider shot me in the leg while I was rescuing some Padawans. No idea where they got blasters, but they know how to use them. I’ve been evacuated to a medcenter but the fighting isn’t over.”

Noara sighed but bit back the comment she wanted to make. For a planet that should be full of some of the galaxy's best warriors they were pretty bad at crisis management. “Will there be reinforcements coming? I’m up to my neck in monsters here.”

Weller nodded. “Some are already there, but they keep pouring in. We need to stop them at the source. Padawan Unaw Aharo found a cave the Flesh Raiders tunneled through to get into the valley. I need you to go and make sure they don’t get more reinforcements through it.”

Noara closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her patience was wearing thin, the handling of this situation left much to be desired and her understanding was that all Jedi on Tython were meant to be taking their trials. How any could be at that point and defenseless was beyond her. As far as she had seen, she was the only competent warrior on the whole planet but she wasn’t near arrogant enough to think she could take on every Flesh Raider out there on her own. “I don’t know how much I can do on my own, but I’ll do whatever I can to push them back and see if there is a way to seal the tunnel.”

“You won’t be alone for long,” Weller reassured her. “Master Orgus Din is on his way as well. We need to end this conflict before anyone else gets hurt. Find the cave along the east mountain ridge. May the Force be with you.”

His image winked out of sight and she huffed in annoyance. It had been a few hours since she had been sent into the field to fight the invaders and they were finally sending a member of the council to come help? What were the Jedi Masters doing while Padawans were being captured and killed? So far all she had learned on Tython was that she was lucky to have finished her combat training on Naboo before making the journey, being sent here without it could have been akin to a death sentence.

Master Doran had warned her the trials would be difficult when he tried to talk her into putting them off until she was a little older, but somehow Noara didn’t think this was what he meant.

And then her day just gets worse and worse when she gets to the cave and has to face the rogue Jedi commanding the Flesh Raiders:

The rogue Jedi lunged at her, swinging his lightsaber toward her neck. 

Noara just managed to dodge the blow, stepping quickly back. The second swing she caught with one of her training sabers, the blue energy blade crackling against the metal. 

“You think to defeat me with those toys?” He laughed, pushing her back with his superior strength and leaving marks in the ground where Noara tried to keep her footing. When most of his weight was committed to pushing her, she dropped to the ground, ducking under his arm and slipping behind him as he stumbled past her.

Using a move Master Doran always called reckless, she leapt into the air. Using the Force she propelled herself across the cavern to where his Flesh Raider backup was. Noara knew that if she wanted a glimmer of a chance to get out of here alive, she couldn’t face all three of them at once. Landing between them, Noara pushed the Force in a ring out from her body and knocked both away from her and to the ground. Stunned, neither stirred. She turned just in time to block the rogue Jedi’s attack with her training sabers crossed in front of her. He pressed forward, forcing Noara to step back again.

Obviously he had an advantage in both size and strength over her. She was going to need to be faster and cleverer. Before he could make her step back again, Noara kicked him in the gut. Not letting up when he stepped back, she followed him, pushing his lightsaber away from her with one of her blades and hitting his sword arm as hard as she could with the other. He dropped the saber with a sharp cry. 

Noara turned, releasing one of her training sabers to call his weapon to her. Before she caught it he tackled her, his shoulder digging into her gut. As they tumbled to the ground she lost her grip on her other weapon. She was never much of a grappler, her creche mates had often wiped the floor with her in unarmed spars but she had learned enough to know she couldn’t let him pin her. They landed hard on the ground, rolling a few times before he had straddled her waist and punched her in the face.

Lifting her hips off the ground, Noara tried to throw him off  but he was too high on her torso for that to work. Leaning forward he pinned her with his weight and wrapped his hands around her throat. Clawing at his fingers, she turned her head back and forth, trying to find a way out of this before remembering she was still armed. Pulling her leg up as close as she could, Noara blindly reached for her boot. Each of her boots had a dagger hidden in a discrete sheath inside the boot. 

Noara’s chest was on fire as she gasped for air and her vision was starting to dim. Reaching out to the Force for strength, she managed to grab the dagger’s hilt and pull it out of her boot. Without hesitation she stabbed him, driving the dagger into his side. He cried out in pain, releasing her neck and she was able to breath again. She ripped the dagger out of his flesh as he fell off of her. Running on pure adrenaline she followed him, burying the bloodied dagger hilt deep into his chest. 

Blood gushed around her hand and when he coughed it left bloody spots all over his face. “Killing me changes nothing,” he gasped wetly, “long live the new order.” The rogue Jedi took another gurgling breath before going limp under her and she felt his life force fading. 

Pushing herself away from his corpse, Noara tried to breathe through the pain in her chest and throat. 

“Look out!” Aharo cried, making Noara turn her head just in time to see the two forgotten Flesh Raiders approaching her. 

The dagger was still in the dead man’s chest but she spotted the lightsaber lying on the ground. She pulled it to her hand, activated it and threw it at them. With the Force she controlled it’s trajectory to strike them both. The Flesh Raiders fell to the floor, making similar death rattles to the ones she had heard all day. 

For a moment Noara didn’t move, leaning on her hand to keep herself upright while she waited for the next attack. When it didn’t come she slumped on the ground let out a shaky breath. Aharo, holding his gut, limped over to her. 

“That was amazing, I thought we were dead for sure,” he said, dropping to his knees next to her. “Are you alright?”

Noara nodded where she lay. “Yeah, I think so.”

[theys-a-joke]

Let Us Skim

Summary: Wonderful, isn't it? How when two people are so deeply in love with each other, anything could be an I love you? Or, 5 times Hanschen and Ernst didn't say "I love you" and the 1 time they did

Request: n/a

Content Warning: Period Typical Violence

Relationship: Hanschen/Ernst

AO3 Link: here

AN: Anyways, sorry to lie to you about Love Is Complicated, I’ve been side-tracked by Spring Awakening and I have so many thoughts. 

I do not condone abuse and I do not want to romanticize the abuse of partners. That being said, men have been known to fight each other for the sake of touching another man’s skin for ages, and the part where they recognize their love for each other is when they stop.

Ok so please don't hate me but I used google translate to get the Greek, as I was having trouble getting an actual Greek translation for this. But here's the translation

Α-Aν κάποιος πλησ - I-if he gets very close

πλησιάσει πολύ κοντά και ακούσει το τραγούδι των Σειρήνων, η γυναίκα και τα παιδιά του δεν θα τον υποδεχτούν ποτέ ξανά στο σπίτι. - Gets very close and hears the song of the Sirens, his wife and children will never welcome him back home.

one .

"We'll huddle over Homer. Maybe do a little Achilles and Patroclus." Hanschen’s sentence echoes in Ernst’s mind as he waited for him. The two of them were going to head back to his home together, after all. To huddle over Homer. That was it. Surely. But that doesn’t mean Ernst can’t dream.

When Hanschen finally finds Ernst, they each feel a small bit of hope for the next few hours. Hanschen had finally managed to get Ernst alone, and despite the circumstances, he considered it a success. Whereas Ernst had managed to get Hanschen’s help, and maybe even had the chance to learn more from him. Ernst found himself tending to learn more from Hanschen then he did in school, as to why, well, he had his suspicions.

The two of them walk towards Ernst’s house, making polite conversation throughout the walk, Hanschen cracking a joke here and there. Ernst’s laughs at all of them, no matter how stupid they may be, and Hanschen can feel a smile tugging at his lips. As performative as his jokes may be, the happiness he feels when he hears Ernst laugh is genuine, and while fleeting, is a small joy he allows himself to have.

Once they get to Ernst’s house, Ernst makes quick work of clearing off the table so they could have a place to study. He retrieves his own copy of the Odyssey and places it on the table, while Hanschen looks into his own bag and comes back with both a disappointed and yet self satisfied grin.

“I seem to have forgotten my copy at home.” He says, leaning forward against the table. “Would you mind sharing?” He asks, nodding toward Ernst's own book.

“No, not at all.” Ernst replies, stumbling over his words, his eagerness to share anything with Hanschen getting the better of him.

“Great.” He beams, bringing his own chair closer to Ernst. As Ernst opens the book, Hanschen slides it slightly towards himself, partly so he can read it better, and partly so Ernst would have to face him just the tiniest bit more. Their thighs touch, and Ernst can feel his heart start racing. He’s practically in his lap, and when Hanschen’s arm comes around the back of his chair, Ernst nearly jumps. The contact, despite how much Ernst wants it, still surprises him. He chooses instead to focus on the reading rather than the warmth of Hanschen’s skin against his.

Despite Hanschen’s proximity, Ernst manages to open where they had left off. He takes his time trying to find where exactly they had previously ended, enjoying this simple moment with Hanschen. As he lifts his hand to search for a particular sentence, the other half of the book lifts up, starting to close. Ernst goes to push it back down to the table when he feels Hanschen’s hand on his own, holding down the other side of the book. His eyes dart quickly to their touching hands before looking up at Hanschen.

“Let me help.” Is the only answer Hanschen gives when Ernst seems to look at him questioningly. Ernst smiles, and nods; a silent understanding. He lets their hands stay together for just a moment before turning back to the text in front of them.

"This is where we were, correct?" Ernst asks, pointing to a specific line. When Hanschen doesn't give any response, Ernst turns to look at him, only to find Hanschen still staring at him. What Ernst seems isn't a look he typically sees on Hanschen, a look of appreciation. He might even go as far to say fondness. But they didn't have time for that, at least, not now.

"Hans, how can you possibly see sitting back like that? Come closer." Ernst instructs, somewhat playfully. He manages to snap Hanschen out of his thought process, bringing him back to the matter at hand, or rather, in hand.

He didn't need to be told twice, immediately finding himself as close as he could be to Ernst. Any chance he had to be near him was worth it, and this wasn't something he'd let slip through his fingers. In fact, his hand around the back of Ernst chairs finds a new perch around his shoulders, drawing them ever closer.

"Α-Aν κάποιος πλησ-" Ernst tries, doing his best to read the Greek. When he stops, he turns to Hanschen, with a small apologetic smile, hoping to coax him into reciting the rest of the sentence. Hanschen does his best to hide his smile, instead sigh at Ernst's silent request.

"πλησιάσει πολύ κοντά και ακούσει το τραγούδι των Σειρήνων, η γυναίκα και τα παιδιά του δεν θα τον υποδεχτούν ποτέ ξανά στο σπίτι." Hanschen finishes, following as Ernst finger pointed to each word. Hanschen noticing that even though Ernst had trouble reading it himself, he had no problem keeping up, most likely meaning that his lack of knowledge could easily have been feigned. He smiles as he speaks, ever impressed at what Ernst was capable of.  

As Ernst watches Hanschen as he speaks the words, he can see how easily the Greek comes to him. He watches Hanschen's mouth form the correct shapes needed to produce the sound, and he can’t help but wish he was more like him. He wishes he had his aptitude, his confidence, his adaptability, his soft hair, his strong frame, his… Ernst could let that thought go any farther, not here, at least. Though Ernst knew he didn’t necessarily want those attributes, but more so the boy who possessed them. Ernst decides, that to simply be in Hanschen's presence, and to be witness to those traits, well maybe he might be able to learn something.

two .

Ernst had never quite understood the school’s uniforms. The weird shorts and high socks, the ties and suit jackets. He understood that they had to look presentable, but to him they seemed silly. Especially on him. On Hanschen though, it seemed to fit perfectly. He looked amazing, and he couldn’t stop himself from sneaking glances throughout the day.

It’s in gym class though where he has to force himself to look elsewhere. He can’t be caught staring, especially here. So he rushes, always first in and out. Staggering when he exits.

“Hanschen.” Ernst calls out, running up to stop him. His uniform, which was typically in pristine condition, was currently disheveled in his rush to leave the gym.

The first thing Ernst notes is that Hanschen's hair had gotten tousled. The normally neat and straight hair has a slight curl to it that Ernst thinks looks quite cute, though he doesn't dare mention it. Instead, he takes his hand and runs it through Hanschen's hair. It's soft, he realizes, and damp, and he can almost smell the shampoo that they use. He wants to bury his face in it, to pretend that the world doesn't exist except for the two of them. But he can't, he won't. He just needs to fix Hanschen's hair, which doesn't actually need to be fixed, he just needs to be made presentable. Though he's always presentable in Ernst's eyes.

Ernst then opens Hanschen’s suit jacket, to get to his tie which was done haphazardly. He takes a step closer to Hanschen, needing to be closer to focus on the intricacies of tying the knot. His hands go around Hanschen's neck, and he can hear his breath hitch. He doesn’t mention it though, preoccupied with adjusting the length of the tie.

With Ernst this close, Hanschen can see the way his brow furrows in concentration, the way he bites his lip and smiles to himself once he’s done, content with his work. He can see all the intricacies in his eyes and nearly see himself in them, and that's when he looks away. Hanschen looks down, briefly, and honestly, it’s not bad, not the style of knot he would’ve gone with, but good-looking all the same. He’ll have to ask Ernst to teach him it later. When he looks back up, Ernst is staring at him, rather intensely. If he’s being honest with himself, he feels rather awkward, being looked at that way. He’s simply not used to it, more often being the one who gives that look. But it’s Ernst, and Hanschen can see the adoration in his eyes and this longing and for a moment all Hanschen wants to do is rest his forehead against Ernst’s and ask him about everything he’s thinking. And then Ernst’s hand is coming up to his face and Hanschen want’s so badly to lean into it to meet it, but he instead holds back.

It turns out that his hand is going to his shoulder, where Ernst see’s a piece of lint. He brings his other hand to Hanschen’s other shoulder and dusts them off, letting them linger. He looks to Hanschen, wondering what could’ve happened to his uniform that it was like this. But he doesn’t really care, it gives him an excuse to touch him, to be close to him, and Ernst would cherish that moment. He would cherish him. He hopes Hanschen is able to understand that.

Ernst’s hands trail down Hanschen’s chest, stopping over his heart. He can feel it beating, faster and faster and he wants to lean in and press his ear against it, hoping he’d be able to hear everything Hanschen wasn’t saying. But he doesn’t need to do that. Hanschen is able to tell him when he takes Ernst’s hands in his own, helping him redo the buttons on his jacket befores speaking in a soft voice.

“Would you teach me how you tie your ties?”

three .

Ernst and Hanschen have always been acutely aware of each other. How close the other was to them, the way they gestured in class, how they spoke. For Ernst, he was desperate to know everything about Hanschen. And for Hanschen, well he just loved watching Ernst, watching him work, speak, do anything, really. He could look at Ernst for an eternity and never get his fill.

They were privy to details about the other that not even their parents knew. Though it was unlikely they cared. For instance, Hanschen knew just how important the church was to Ernst, and how his favorite color was yellow. He kept things like that in the back of his mind, where everything else about Ernst stayed.

Ernst on the other hand, found himself enamoured with how Hanschen thought. He found Hanschen’s bluntness quite nice. Hanschen never said what was expected of him when it was just the two of them, and Ernst appreciated that. His views on the church and the clergy were well known to Ernst, which is why he was so surprised when Hanschen walked through the doors that Sunday.

Hanschen doesn’t make any move towards Ernst, just giving him a small nod and a smile that sends Ernst’s heart a mile high. Ernst wants to go over to him and ask him what he was doing here. But he can’t, so he stays by the altar and watches the priest lead the sermon. His eyes drift over to Hanschen, and everytime he looks he sees him staring right back at him. And then Hanschen smiles, and that’s when he feels his face heat up, and he has to look away.

Hanschen was receiving great pleasure from getting Ernst flustered by simply looking at him. That wasn’t his goal for today, but it was one hell of a consolation prize. Seeing him in his element though, it was incredible. Hanschen couldn’t tear his eyes away from Ernst, no matter how many times his parents hit his shoulder to tell him to look at the prayer book. He doesn’t need to, looking at Ernst is enough for him to know that prayers truly are answered.

When the sermon is over, Hanschen excuses himself to go talk to Ernst, though as far as his parents know, he’s going to talk to the priest. He waits patiently to get Ernst’s attention.  

“Hanschen!” Ernst whispers. “What are you doing here?”

“Am I not allowed to participate in the act of praising God? Am I not allowed to learn?” He asks, coyly.

“You know what I mean.” Ernst sighs.

“I came to see you,” he starts, “in all your heavenly beauty.” He says, hushed. Ernst’s face practically goes aflame at Hanschen’s compliment, truly stunned speechless.

“And, I wanted to give you this.” He says, as he pulls out something from his pocket, placing his fist in Ernst’s hand. When he removes it, there’s a slightly crumpled daffodil. Hanschen knows he’s running out on time, that he needs to go so that people don’t get suspicious, but he can’t help but spare a moment just admiring Ernst.

“Your piety and devoutness are so much stronger than that of the father, you should know. It should be you leading us, I couldn’t imagine anyone more selfless and virtuous than you.” Is the last thing Hanschen says, before leaving Ernst there, still speechless and entirely shocked.

What drives the gesture home though, is the flower, the daffodil. He had mentioned it offhand months ago, when they weren’t in season. And now that spring is here, Hanschen had gone out of his way to bring him one, risking getting caught. All for the sake of something so small that Ernst had forgotten about it until this moment. And then Ernst thinks, he really does love yellow.

four .

When Hanschen isn't at school, Ernst assumes the worst. He thinks that they've been caught, that something they did was just a bit too friendly and someone caught on, that it was Hanschen who was taking the blame because that was just the kind of person he was. It's a nice thought, that Hanschen cared enough about him to take the fall for both of them, but all the trouble he could get into, the pain and ostracization, it sours that thought completely. So Ernst goes about his day, cautious at best, paranoid at worst, and waits for the day to end. He doesn't talk to anyone, doesn't look at the teachers, and instead just retreats into his shell, worrying over Hanschen's fate.  

He couldn't be happier when the day is over. He grabs his satchel, and tells Herr Sonnenstich that he'll bring today's work to Hanschen himself. It's the first thing he's aaid all day, and when Herr Sonnenstich doesn't look at Ernst with any more discontent than usual, he's able to relax a bit. Perhaps they were still in the clear. He takes the work and practically trips over himself in his enthusiasm to go to Hanschen's house.

Ernst arrives, and when he does, he takes a moment to calm himself, before knocking on the door. Frau Rilow answers the door, which Ernst will forever be grateful for, and greets him.

"Good afternoon Ernst, what brings you here?"

"Good afternoon ma'am, I actually just stopped by to drop off what we worked on today in class, seeing as Hanschen wasn't in school. Is everything alright?"

"My, what a dedicated friend you are. But no, Hanschen seems to have come down with something. Why don't you come inside? I'm sure he'd be elated to see you." She says, ushering him inside.

"Thank you, Frau Rilow." He says, letting himself be swept into the house.

"Now, I know you've got a bit to give him, but do you think you could bring this to him as well?" She asks, handing Ernst a bowl of soup.

"Of course." He says, adjusting his satchel so that it holds everything and sits across his shoulder, then takes the bowl.

"Thank you dear." She smiles, "I'll phone your parents and let them know you're here. Hanschen's room is down the hall and on the right."

Ernst goes down the hallway, careful not to spill the soup, and knocks gently on the door. He hears a garbled, 'come in', and gently eases the door open.

He sees Hanschen lying there, sheets pulled up to his chest, eyes closed and face red. Hanschen doesn't even open his eyes until he hears the soft thump of Ernst dropping his satchel. When he sees Ernst, he jumps, to the best of his ability, out of the bed.

"Ernst! What are you doing here?" He asks, throwing himself into Ernst's arms. It's all Ernst can do to set the bowl down before he catches Hanschen. His face is already warm from the contact, he doesn't need the rest of his body heated too.

"I came to see you. And really you mustn't move too much, not in your state." He says, dragging him back to his bed. He goes to remove Hanschen's arms from around his neck when he hears Hanschen whine.

"Come lay with me, Ernst." He sighs, pulling him closer.

"Hansi, you know I can't." He says, voice straining and quiet. He really does want to lay with Hanschen though, he wants to hold him close and play with his hair as Hanschen sleeps peacefully. He wants to help Hanschen in any way he can, rub his back, dab at his forehead with a cool cloth, but he simply can't. Though the use of his nickname seems to be enough to get him to relent.

Then Ernst has an idea. He gently moves Hanschen to the side, and has him sit up. He grabs the bowl of soup and moves behind Hanschen and pulls him to lay against his chest. Now, Ernst would never be this hold normally, but these are special circumstances. Hanschen needed to be cared for, and that's what he's doing.

Hanschen is reveling in the contact. His entire day had been boring and uncomfortable, unable to do much but sleep and eat, so Ernst was a welcome change of pace. And even though Ernst didn't hold him as long as he wanted, Hanschen was grateful for his quick thinking. And by laying against Ernst's chest, he could hear his heartbeat. A nice change to the ringing he'd been hearing all day.

"Tell me again why you came over?" Hanschen mumbles.

"You know why."

"Yes, but I want to hear it again."

"I came over to bring you the work you missed." Ernst chides, lightly.

"You're no fun." Hanschen pouts, and Ernst smiles, it's rare to see Hanschen like this, where he doesn't keep up pretenses.

"I also came to see you." Ernst whispers by Hanschen's ear, causing him to shiver.

"You need to eat." Ernst states, completely changing directions. "Here." He says, holding the spoon to Hanschen's mouth.

"No, I won't do it." Hanschen says, turning his head.

"Come on, do it for me? Please, Hansi?" He says, exaggerating his plea.

"Fine." He says, reluctantly. And they just stay there for a while, Ernst feeding Hanschen the soup with only a few complaints here and there.

Ernst thinks this is something he could get used to, taking care of Hanschen. Simply being needed did wonders for his self-esteem, and especially in a state like this. Where Hanschen's inhibitions were low and his impulsivity was high. To be that which grounded him made Ernst smile.

Hanschen finds that he quite likes being taken care of, especially by Ernst. The use of nicknames, gentle coaxing, and frequent praise made it all the easier for him to comply. And the best part was that none of it felt forced. Not once did Hanschen ever feel like he was burdening Ernst. He could feel the care that radiated off of him and he relished it, loving being the center of Ernst's attention.

"So what did you cover today in class?" Hanschen finally asks.

"Oh yes. Well, don't laugh at what I'm about to tell you." Ernst sighs.

"I don't remember. I was so worried about what happened to you today I couldn't focus, more so than usual!"

"What worried you so?"

"I had thought that, maybe, we'd been found out. That you were being taken out of school and sent away and hurt." Ernst admits, his arms tightening around Hanschen with every word.

"I can assure you Ernst, they couldn't get rid of me no matter how hard they try. I simply will not leave you." He says, matter of factly, as his hands come to rest on Ernst's arms.

Ernst just buries his face in Hanschen's hair. After a moment, he hears Hanschen's breathing even out, and realizes he's fallen asleep, and then the scene presents itself. He can sit there, letting Hanschen rest against him, play with his hair and rub his back, or, he lay Hanschen down and go home. That would be the safe choice.

But it isn't the one he makes.

Instead, he just stays there, and allows himself to fall asleep, Hanschen still in his hold. Whatever repercussions they face, he knows Hanschen will stand by him, and for now, that's enough.

five .

Hanschen isn't sure what comes over him at that moment. That moment in which he just shoves Ernst a little too harshly, a little too intensely, a little too deeply. Ernst looks back at him, his face confused before shoving Hanschen in return. They keep on like that, playfully shoving each other, laughing at the intensity, before Ernst finally ends up on the ground. And in that moment a fire is set alight inside of Hanschen.

Ernst doesn't know what to make of the way Hanschen is looking at him. The look is neutral but Ernst can see that his fists are clenched tight. He wants to ask what's going through his mind, ask him what's wrong, but he's too late.

Hanschen is already towering over Ernst, his arms shooting out to grab his collar and pull him back up. He waits for Ernst to stabilize, to catch his breath, before Hanschen hits him. He doesn't know why he hits him, all he does know is that this way, when he strikes Ernst, he can feel his soft skin that will easily bruise, and that sharp cheekbone of his leaves Hanschen's hand stinging. He doesn't know why he's doing all of this when he really just wants to hold Ernst close. He doesn't want to do this, but he does.

Hanschen hopes that Ernst will hit him back and, for a moment, he truly hates Ernst's passiveness. Hanschen wants him to finally take initiative, to finally stand up for himself, to do something other than let life happen to and around him and instead partake in it.

Hanschen gets what he wishes for.

Ernst punches him in the chin, not the strongest or most perfect in form, but it's something. It's contact . It's normal . Though the moment he does it, Hanschen could see the horror grow of Ernst's face. He sees it contort in pain and sorrow, and for a half a second, anger. Good, is what he wants to say, hit me, he wants to shout at him, for God's sake can you find it within yourself to touch me?

Ernst can, apparently. He finds it within himself to yell as he charges Hanschen, pushing him against a wall. He can very distinctly hear the sound of Hanschen's head hitting the bricks, feel breath leave his lungs, and see the tears that start to well up in his eyes, frantic and desperate and scared.

And then they both stop. Their hands don't leave the other's body, but they freeze, realizing what they're doing to each other. And then they collapse. They breathe for a moment, and then two, their eyes never leaving each other.

Hanschen breaks the silence,"I am so sorry Ernst." He says, pleading. "I don't know why I did-"

"Hanschen." Ernst says, cutting him off, uncharacteristically. "Let's go home."

They help each other up, and then walk back in silence. They've both said everything they need to say to each other, and yet nothing at all.

one .

There is nothing entirely special about this afternoon, only that it's during the summer after their final year, and before they were to go off to university.

Maybe that's what spurs Hanschen on, the fact that this might be one of the last moments he gets to spend with Ernst.

“I love you Ernst.” Hanschen says, out of the blue. Without missing a beat, Ernst replies, “So you should.” And Hanschen's heart breaks a bit, because if that’s how he sounded when Ernst told him, so nonchalant, so dismissive, then it made perfect sense when Ernst had looked at him so hurt.

Hanschen finally knew the feeling of something not being reciprocated. Except, he knew Ernst loved him, but he needed to hear it. In everything they had ever done, they had never said it.

“Ernst, you don’t understand.” Hanschen says, pulling Ernst close, only a hair’s width away from himself, “I’m in love with you.” He says, voice quiet and strained and desperate. “And I have been all along.” He remarks, moreso to himself.

“And I in turn, am in love with you Hanschen." He says, bringing his hands up to hold Hanschen's face. "Though I fear I may love you too deeply, and God will resent me for making you into a false idol that I worship.” Ernst smiles, though his eyes convey a seriousness that Hanschen does not take lightly.

"May I ask what brought on this revelation?" Ernst asks, not moving away.

"I suddenly became very aware of the future, and what it may hold for us." He says, fear creeping into his voice.

"Don't be sad, my love. We must take the future as it comes to us, skimming off the cream when the milk presents itself." Ernst says, pressing his forehead to Hanschen's.

Hanschen laughs when Ernst quotes his own metaphor back at him.

"But for now, is it heaven?" He asks, hoping for Ernst to provide him the comfort he so desperately seeks.

Ernst takes the moment to kiss Hanschen sweetly, surprising him at first, but eventually relaxing into it. As Ernst kisses him, Hanschen lets go of his worries and his posture, putting all of his weight onto Ernst. They fall onto the grass, and Hanschen has never felt more amazing. He's in the arms of the boy that he loves, in a place where he can love him unabashedly, loving him with his entire being.

When Ernst pulls away to laugh, Hanschen basks in the sound and sight. He has never thought Ernst looked more lovely than in this moment, his body is framed by the green grass and the sun illuminating his brown eyes, and he looks like a painting that Hanschen wants to hang and never take down. He truly doesn't know how he ever got so lucky as to have Ernst in his life.

"I don't think I would have ever known peace had I not met you Ernst Robel."

"Hanschen Rilow, we could live 30 years more, perhaps even longer, and I will never love anyone as I love you."

[swifty-fox]

dude! more history rants, that was great!! I honestly probably learned more in that than I ever have in a history class

dude! Learning about history is SO much better when the person you’re listening to has a genuine passion for it! My Russian prof used to take his shoes off and bang on the table to prove his point, he would imitate historical figures down to the Russian accent (with great skill he lived in the USSR through the entire nineties which if you know anything about nineties Russia that is a FEAT. His wife to be at the time ((now a german history prof at my college)) was offered a ride in a helicopter by the Russian mob. She declined) 

Russian history is also just such a rich and dramatic and WILD history. Theres so many things to focus on like an entire semester was spent JUST studying the revolution and that was only an introductory course

Anyways since I’m here and can rant lets talk about two fun things! Lenins  name and his family as well as Vasily Grossmans greatest and most controversial works!

So Vladimir Lenin is a pretty iconic name. A pretty cool name in fact! Really rolls off the tongue and strikes FEAR into enemies hearts.

Did ya know it’s not his fuckin name? Nope! the guy straight up chose a new last name for himself! This former law student (oh yeah he wasn't even a politician no wonder the fucko didn't know how to run a country) was actually born Vladimir Ulyanov! 

but why the name change? Ulyanov is still pretty easy to say, still pretty memorable. Rolls of the tongue so on and so forth.

this, ladies, gentlemen, and everything in between and beyond, is because of Lenins older brother Aleksandr Ulyanov! 

(this guy has better hair than i could ever hope to, thanks diluted slav genes) 

now sweet Aleks here was also four years Vladimirs Senior and was also a revolutionary! (seems like it ran in the family) 

Not only was he a revolutionary but he was a MASSIVELY FAMOUS ONE and kinda helped set the ENTIRE downfall of the soviet union in motion long before the revolution was even a whisper of a thought. 

How you ask? well uh.

he tried to kill Tsar Nikolas II’s dad. 

yes, that Tsar Nikolas who later was overthrown and was executed by firing squad. Sorry the Romanovs are all very very dead we found all their bodies the animated movie was very wrong. 

Anyways, sweet kolya’s father was Tsar Alexander III and he was known throughout the land as the Peacemaker! 

(also yes they're both called Aleksandr. Russians only have like. Ten names to choose from)

wow sounds like he must be a great guy with a nickname like that huh? Why would anyone wanna kill him! Sadly, the nickname is only because Russia entered no wars under his rule. He was in fact, a huge bastard. Outside of being physically and emotionally abusive to his family (he would often berate Nikolai for being weak which definitely led to some of his issues with his authority and pride being questioned later on...) he was incredibly reactionary and heavy handed when it came to ruling. he opposed ANY movement that might minimize his authority as emperor. He was famous for executing a LOT of anti-imperialist terrorists.

he also looked like this

not to insult bulldogs but this guy sure looks like one. 

Anyways, Aleksandr Ulyanov helps devise a plot wherein he and a bunch of other revolutionaries will ride by Tsar Alek’s carriage and chuck a bomb through his window and then boom no more emperor. basically, it was the 1887 version of a drive by shooting. 

Naturally, it failed, otherwise we wouldn’t be talking about this! Anyways, All the conspirators were captured and sentenced to death. (5 were later pardoned none of which were Lenins brother.) They were all hanged.

Although Lenin was involved in politics before this to some degree, this action really radicalized him and really got the ball rolling for the eventual Soviet Union. Talk about butterfly effect. 

Alright time for history lesson part TWO!! Lets talk about Vasily Grossman and his work In The Town of Berdichev! Though more technically I will be talking more about the film adaptation titled Commissar(1967). 

quick background time! Vasily Grossman was born to a Jewish family and due to prosecution (of both Jewish people and Ukrainians) at the time was forced to conceal his heritage. He actually studied to be a chemist at first and was quite successful until he transitioned later in life to being a writer and reporter! His accounts of the Ukrainian famine are the some of the most detailed accounts as well as the most controversial (to the Russian state) he also was a war reporter for WWII and intensively documented the ethnic cleansing going on. Understandably.

he was strongly supported by Maksim Gorky! (yes that Maksim Gorky, famous writer, and the man who helped develop the entire soviet education system that kinda was just brainwashing and propaganda. Reportedly later in life he considered that to be one of his greatest regrets((he was also a massive homophobe too because same sex relationships were actually legal for a while there in russia!))

Long story short, Vasya believed strongly in several things. he believed in the human spirit, he believed in supporting his Jewish brethren, he believed strongly in mother Russia and the communist party. But more than that he believed that those who do not learn from our mistakes are doomed to repeat them. 

Thus came about his work. I’ll post a quick plot summary here from Wikipedia of the movie. it’s a really good film honestly I highly recommend it. 

“During the Russian Civil War (1918–1922), a female commissar of the Red Army cavalry Klavdia Vavilova (Nonna Mordyukova) finds herself pregnant. Until her child is born, she is forced to stay with the family of a poor Jewish blacksmith Yefim Magazannik (Rolan Bykov), his wife, mother-in-law, and six children. At first, both the Magazannik family and "Madame Vavilova", as they call her, are not enthusiastic about living under one roof, but soon they share their rationed food, make her civilian clothes, and help her with the delivery of her newborn son. Vavilova seemingly embraces motherhood, civilian life, and new friends.Meanwhile, the frontline advances closer to the town and the Jews expect a pogrom by the White Army as the Red Army retreats. Vavilova attempts to console them with a Communist dream: "One day people will work in peace and harmony", but the dream is interrupted with a vision of the fate of the Jews in the coming world war. She rushes to the front to rejoin her army regiment, leaving her newborn behind.“

- White army was the anti-soviet army during the revolution. Red Army was the soviets. Pogroms were targeted areas of ethnic cleansing against Jewish peoples, namely they were villages or towns that were wiped out. 

this film was banned for something like forty years for anti-soviet sentiment. But why? it seems pretty damn pro-soviet doesn't it? 

Well firstly lets talk about how oppressive the soviet regime was by this point! In 1967 Russia was in the dying throes of Stalins regime. Yes he had died a little over a decade earlier but the government was still very much being run by his ideals. All independent newspapers were banned. EVERYTHING every single piece of art, literature, news, commercial, WHATEVER, had to be state approved. And by god was it hard to get things approved. Grossman routinely wrote of his frustrations and struggles of getting anything published because if a Russain character was portrayed as anything but a happy go lucky communist then it would be censored. Grossman first ran into this issue when he was reporting on the iron and coal mines in siberia. the conditions were terrible but Grossman had to lie and say everything was fine. It let to a real crisis of ideals for him.

The first red mark against this movie is that well, it focuses on a woman. It’s an incredibly feminist movie, with the idea of motherhood and duty and the strength of a woman being just as much if not more than a man. (for reference a Commissar is like an army Officer) 

Secondly, she abandons her post! to have a child! In communist Russia NOTHING comes before your duty to the motherland. But again she eventually realizes that the call of her country is stronger than the call of this simple maternal life and she does go on to fight so why is this a problem?

Well ultimately, it boils down to the final scene. 

"One day people will work in peace and harmony" she says. An entirely pro-soviet message. But then it is instantly contradicted by footage of the holocaust. This is a visual representation fo Grossman saying that although the communist ideal is strong in the soviet union that they are being blinded by false enemies, prejudices and will find themselves committing such atrocities (of course they already are but again he DID still support the Soviet State) Basically it was a warning to the Soviet Party! Learn from the mistakes that were made and gentle themselves!

And this, this was a criticism of the Soviet party! And thus, it was shelved for nearly twenty years.

It finally was shown again in the late 80′s  

Grossman, after attempting to publish his magnum opus, Life and Fate, had his flat raided by the KGB and all his notes, manuscripts, letters, books, publications, and pretty much his life's work were confiscated. Grossman died in the mid 1960′s of stomach cancer not knowing if any of his writings or best works would ever be seen or published again. 

Thankfully they were found and published and his massively important legacy lives on in the people who know about him. But his story is a very bittersweet one indeed. 

you can watch the full movie here with English captions! 

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(tw: imagery of holocaust, some anti-semitism (if i recall) some children without any clothes bathing if i recall (its not weird but I know it was shocking for me to see at first))

(maybe I’ll talk about the TRUE story of Rasputin another time...) 

[fanfictionaries]

Love and Academia Ch.9 - Cold Beer and Crossed Lines

Pairing: AU Professor!Bucky x OFC

Warnings: Swearing, smut, NSFW/18+ only, mentions of death/violence/suicide, Angst

Author’s note: A little attraction. A little flirting. A little Clint. A whole lot of Bucky and Emily!

Also: Holy cow! 5.5k words?? Longest Bucky chapter and longest chapter I’ve ever written on anything to be honest. 

And as always, I do not currently have a beta reader so please excuse any larger issues. It’s just little ol’ me!

***

It should be illegal for cookies to taste this delicious. It should be even more illegal for the person who baked them to look so delicious. Bucky watched Emily as she took that Friday afternoon to tidy the lab. A group of visiting middle schoolers had spent the better part of the afternoon with them, learning about science, plants, and ecology and now the room was in shambles. Not that it was very clean to begin with. He had no idea why, but a universal truth existed about ecology labs – they were always a mess. Perhaps it was the lack aseptic technique required for their experiments. It might also have to do with the exorbitant amount of time they spent in the field, their camping materials, hiking boots, and lab equipment almost always coming back caked in mud. Nevertheless, you’d never find yourself in a spic and span ecology lab. The concept was practically an oxymoron.

Still, the mess the middle schoolers left was quite impressive and as his diligent graduate student, Emily had volunteered to clean up and put everything back into place. He watched her through the office window that looked out into the rest of the lab. Her hair was down today the long golden strands cascading down her back in thick waves. If he focused hard enough, he could just remember the silky, soft feel of it threaded through his fingers. She wore the same pair of baggy, paint-covered jeans as the day he walked into his office to find her dancing amongst the piles of Dr. Erskine’s book. They were high-waisted, synched tight at her small waste by a belt, but hanging loose everywhere else. It wasn’t until she bent over to pick something up that he could see the outline of her perky ass and full thighs. Currently, she was on her tiptoes attempting to place a large fluorescent light on top of a cabinet causing the bottom of her shirt to ride up and reveal the creamy skin of her ribcage. God, did she have to wear such little shirts? Not that he thought it would make much of a difference. The girl could probably come to school in a parka and he’d still get an erection watching her.

He didn’t know when the line of propriety in his mind had been crossed, but he was currently miles past it with no intention of turning back. The best he could do at this point, would be to come to a screeching halt and take five where he was. However, that was a little hard to do when everywhere he went, there she was. When he taught his classes, she was there. Sitting in the front row, idly doodling in her notebook, pen flipping in her delicate fingers, long legs crossing and uncrossing over each other. Often times, he found himself losing his concentration mid-sentence, too focused on the way Emily’s lips wrapped around the end of her pen. Even in the seemingly sweet solitude of his lab she was ever present. It didn’t matter what day or what time, she was there. Headphones on, working diligently at her desk. Dr. Erskine hadn’t been kidding when he said she was a hard worker. The amount of time she spent grinding away at her work bordered on unhealthy – bordered on his work ethic.

He had an excuse of course. He was using his work as a distraction. He always had. When Jenny Haver broke up with him his first year of graduate school, he locked himself in his room and didn’t come out until two weeks later, a full PhD proposal written to perfection. Is that what Emily was doing too? Avoiding something? Using her work as a distraction? He couldn’t imagine what it would be. She always seemed so happy and bright. Every morning, she swept into the lab like an early spring breeze, fresh and invigorating. Often times the day didn’t feel like it began until he saw her smile. Not that he would ever admit that to anyone. Even himself. She was his student. What he was experiencing was simply a basic case of carnal attraction. It was biological. Unavoidable.

“Hey, Dr. Barnes.” His wandering mind was brought back by the woman in question, standing in the doorway of his office. Despite their more relaxed relationship, she still kept her distance whenever she could, and she still insisted on calling him by his professional title. Probably for the best.

“Emily, what can I do for you?” he asked, trying to keep his tone light and friendly and free of any hint that he had been ogling her moments before.

“I’m taking off early today. I wanted to let you know, I’ll have the rough draft for my introduction to you by Monday,” she said, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear.

“Yea sounds good. Any fun plans for the weekend?” He wished he could pretend that he’d only asked to be polite, but truthfully, he wanted to know more about her. He needed to.

Emily rolled her eyes exaggeratedly, “Oh yea. Major fun. That is, if working all weekend is considered fun. I’ll be swimming in it.”

“Whoa there, someone better real you in before you get too out of hand,” Bucky said dryly, joining in on the joke.

“I know, an absolute menace to society.”

“The worst.”

They smiled at each other, finding a soft comfort in their banter. It was not the kind of joke that brought you to audible laughter. Instead, it filled you with a warmth and fondness that stuck with you. The thought of it possessing the ability to make you smile for days, months, even years.

“What, um, what about you?” Emily asked, shifting her weight and leaning against the doorframe.

“Oh, well I’ve got midterm grading to do. I might meet up with Steve for a few beers.” Bucky didn’t actually have plans with Steve, but he found himself making up the detail on the spot. The need for his life to seem less boring taking over momentarily.

“Oh fun…so it looks like you liked them.” Emily pointed towards the plate of almost finished cookies on his desk.

“Yea, they’re delicious,” he complimented, watching as Emily chewed her bottom lip as her gaze focused on the plate of snickerdoodles. She appeared to be deep in thought, the contents of it becoming clear when a dusky blush began to spread across her cheeks.

Clearing her throat, she snapped out of her trance and pulled her eyes away from the plate of delicious treats, making an effort to look anywhere but him. Realization flooded through Bucky, his mind wandering back to their texts from the previous night. Apparently, the exchange hadn’t been as one sided as he thought. He hadn’t meant for the text to sound so sexual when he sent it. Truthfully, it was a case of mistype, having forgotten to tack on the ‘s’ at the end of the word cookies. It wasn’t until the text was sent that he realized his mistake and how it might be construed. He thought about sending a follow up text immediately to correct it, but something had stopped him. Some sick, depraved part of himself wanted to know how she’d react. Emily in a whole was an enigma. Ever since their truce, he’d tried to spot any hint of the confident, sexy, bold woman he’d met that night at the bar. Something to prove to himself that it was her raw sexual prowess and the memory of it that weakened his resolve. However, that version of her had since been seen again. Instead, in its place was a sweet, intelligent, and sarcastic woman. A little shy. A little quiet. Funny. He didn’t know how to justify that in his mind. How to justify his attraction to that version of her in his mind.

“Well, have a good weekend,” Emily said softly, disappearing from his doorway before Bucky even had the opportunity to respond.

He sighed, burying his head in his hands and taking a deep breath before raking his palms over the rough stubble on his cheeks. He needed a distraction. Something entirely graduate student free. His thoughts wandered to his lie about hanging out with Steve. Maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea.

Picking up his phone, he opened his recent call list. Mom. Mom. Mom. Sister. Steve. Clicking on Steve’s number, the phone rang.

“Hey Buck, what’s up?” Steve’s voice asked from the other end, the screams and shouts of little kids sounding from the background.

“Hey Stevie, I’m not bugging you at work, am I?”

“No, no. We’re on our second recess of the day. I’m monitoring. What’s up?” he asked again.

“Just wanted to see if you were free to grab dinner and a few beers tonight. There’s this place near my house I’ve been wanting to try,” Bucky said, leaning back in his chair.

“Yea—” Steve’s answer was cut short by a loud screech somewhere on his end “—Jackson, stop. Put that down!” Bucky heard Steve scold; his voice more distant as he spoke to the children around him. “Yea. That sounds good. Just text me the place and time and I’ll meet you ther—Martha, that’s not how we talk to our friends.”

Bucky laughed, accustomed to half conversations with Steve when he was at work.

“Alright punk. I’ll see you tonight.” He hung up, not bothering to wait for a response. He knew he wouldn’t get one. When Steve was around his kids, they dominated all of his attention. He lived for those kids, every one of them. Just looking at the impressive cut of Steven Grant Rogers, you’d never think that his life’s calling was wiping snotty noses and teaching the ABCs. But one conversation with the human embodiment of a basket of yarn, you very quickly realized that he wasn’t fit for much else. Allegedly, and while Bucky had seen the pictures he still wasn’t fully convinced, Steve used to be just a sprig of a thing. Barely over five feet tall and a buck twenty soaking wet. He had told Bucky years ago in college that he’d hit a growth spurt halfway through high school and taken up weightlifting to stop getting his ass handed to him every day. But secretly, he believed the real reason behind his impressive growth in mass was to be able to one day lift his entire kindergarten class with one arm. He’d personally seen his best friend hold up ten giggling five year old’s dangling from a single arm like little monkeys.

No, tonight would be good. An extra-large pizza split between them both and one too many beers was just what the doctor ordered. Maybe a game or two of pool if they had a table. If not, he would be perfectly content with bullshitting and talking about the old days. This was just what he needed to clear his mind of Emily.

Four hours later Bucky was walking through the side entrance to Goody’s still reeling from the conversation he’d had with his mother. She wanted him to come home for thanksgiving. He did not. Let the argument commence. He loved his mother. He really did. And he knew she meant well. He really did. But he also hated her inability to respect his boundaries. He really did.

As he entered the small pizza joint and bar, he was pleased to see a few decent and empty pool tables in the far corner. Spotting Steve already sitting down at a table, two beers and giant steaming pizza before him, Bucky headed towards him.

“Got here early so I ordered for you,” said Steve, standing up to pull Bucky into a brief hug. Bucky slapped a hand on his friends back before pulling back and looking down at the pizza. Extra-large meat lovers. Extra cheese.

“Aww darling, my favorite. You remembered,” Bucky teased, sitting down and taking a large sip of the lager. Setting his pint glass down, he reached forward and grabbed a piece of pizza, the cheese stretching with a perfectly melted consistency.

“Well you know, I wanted to try the alfredo pizza they had, but someone refuses to eat anything but the most testosterone filled, artery clogging pizza.”

Bucky shrugged, taking a large bite of his slice and speaking through the pizza as he chewed, “Hey man, why bother with anything but perfection?”

“Well I can’t argue with that logic,” laughed Steve, grabbing a slice himself.

“Oh, my mom wanted me to tell you that she got your card,” Bucky remarked, remembering his mother’s parting request right before he ended their call. Every year Steve sent out a card with a picture of him and his new group of kids to all his family, that list seemed to include his parents.

“Oh great! How is Winni?”

Bucky sighed, “She wants me to come home for thanksgiving. I told her I was spending thanksgiving with your family. By the way, can I come to thanksgiving?”

“Yea, you’re more than welcome Buck,” Steve laughed before taking on a more serious tone, “Are they all still on your case for moving?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe.” He rolled his eyes, taking another swig of his beer. “Mom figures I should have stayed after everything with Diane. But, fuck, the last thing I wanted to do was be closer to her and all those memories. Plus, her and my sister still baby me over the whole thing. I’m a grown man. I don’t need their coddling. It’s been almost a year and a half.”

“I get that. Took nearly two years for Mary and my mom to stop trying to take care of me after Peggy left me. Nearly lost my mind, but they finally got the memo that I was okay. Are you…okay that is?” Steve asked, leaning forward on the table, eyebrows raised in concern.

Bucky had to think for a moment. Was he okay? For months he had felt consumed by the emptiness Diane’s departure from his life had left. The world had felt so bleak. He held so much anger towards her. For leaving. For giving up the way that she did. But now, things felt different. He didn’t know when it had happened but waking up in the morning no longer felt like a chore.

“Yea, I think I am,” he answered truthfully, finding realization and catharsis in the statement.

“Good. Good, man. I’m really happy to hear that Buck.”

They shared a brief smile before Steve’s morphed into a mischievous glint, “So does that mean you’re ready to get back out there?”

Bucky snorted, shaking his head, “Let’s just take this one step at a time, alright pal? But speaking of dating, how are things going with you and Natasha?”

Bucky watched as the smile on Steve’s face widened, the tips of his ears turning bright red.

“You dog. That good?”

“Better. I uh…yea. Definitely better.”

Bucky laughed, taking another bite of pizza. Well, at least one of them was getting laid. He was happy for Steve. Even during his entire relationship with Peggy he’d never seen him so smitten.

“There she is!” A chorus of cheers and greetings flowed through the air from the bar behind him. Bucky didn’t think much of it until he heard the sound of a familiar voice.

“I know. I know. Maria had me in the basement doing inventory.”

Turning in his chair, Bucky was surprised to see Emily, standing behind the bar, chit-chatting with a group of older men and women. So much for a night free of his graduate student.

“Where have you been girl? We haven’t seen you in forever!” asked the patron near the end – an older woman with greying hair and kind eyes.

“I know. I’m sorry! My day job has been kicking my butt lately. But, it will all be worth it once I graduate,” Emily laughed, leaning against the bar top.

Bucky watched her as she interacted with the group. She seemed comfortable. At ease. The group must be regulars.

A throat clearing pulled him away from Emily and back to Steve, who looked at him smugly, “I could use another beer. Why don’t you run up to the bar and grab me one Buck?”

Bucky nodded, downing the rest of his and standing, “I’ll be back in a sec.”

“Uh huh, sure. Take your time man.”

Walking up to the bar, Bucky watched as Emily’s gaze passed over him and then doubled back, a smile spreading across her face.

“I guess you weren’t lying when you told me you were a bartender,” he said, setting his and Steve’s empty glasses down on the bar top. Emily raised an eyebrow, leaning forward on her elbows.

“Half-truth Dr. Barnes. Graduate student most of the time. Bartender sometimes.”

“I don’t suppose the sometimes you’re a bartender, you could call me Bucky?”

Emily breathed deeply, scrutinizing him through squinted eyes, “No, I don’t think I can.”

“Oh, come on. I don’t have any leverage as your advisor for you to change your mind?” Bucky asked mischievously.

“That sounds an awful lot like abuse of power Dr. Barnes—" Emily replied, a similar mischievous glint in her eye “—Now, what can I get you?”

“What do you recommend?”

“Can’t go wrong with a Caribou Slabber,” Emily stated resolutely, grabbing two pint glasses from the shelves behind her.

“Alright, I’ll take your word for it. Two of those and uh, two waters.” Bucky pulled his wallet from his pocket and leaned against the bar, rubbing at the rough stubble on his cheeks as Emily poured his beers. Emily laughed, a small light thing.

“What?” asked Bucky.

“Watta,” Emily repeated, imitating his accent crudely.

“It’s not that thick,” Bucky defended himself good naturedly.

“Whatever you say Brooklyn.”

Bucky laughed, the sound of the nickname rolling off her tongue made something tug in his chest. Shaking it off, he pulled out some cash and placed thirty dollars on the bar top in exchange for their drinks.

“Keep the change.”

“Thanks,” said Emily, “Say hi to Steve for me. Let me know if I can get anything else for you.”

A few hours later Bucky found himself in an aggressive game of one-pocket. Many hours spent in their dorm hall rec room had resulted in their shared skill at pool and they had a bad habit of getting a little competitive.

“Is that the best you can do?” Steve taunted when Bucky made his second scratch of the night.

Bucky sighed, standing up straight and taking a large gulp of Caribou Slabber. She really did have good taste in beer. “Shut up punk. I taught you how to play. Remember?”

“And now, the student has surpassed the teacher—” Steve shrugged, watching as Bucky eyes diverted towards the bar for the hundredth time that night “—okay. What’s going on?”

“What?” Bucky asked, feigning innocence and stupidity.

“Oh please. You can’t stop looking over at her. Is there something going on?”

“What? Don’t be ridiculous. Of course not. She’s not even over there right now!” Bucky scoffed.

Steve rolled his eyes, letting out a curt mhmm. Bucky knew he didn’t believe him. He was no stranger to Steve’s ‘I know best and you know nothing’ look. But he was telling the truth. Nothing was going on between him and Emily.

“Whatever. Believe me. Don’t believe me. I’m going to take a piss—” he propped his pool stick against the side of the table “—and if I come back and you’ve moved any of those balls, I’m coming for you punk. Don’t even try it! I’ve got that table memorized!” Bucky called out behind him and he headed towards the back of the bar where the restrooms were located.

Rounding the corner, he was stopped abruptly by the sight of Emily with some guy. Crowding her space, the man stood only a few inches above her looking frustrated. Emily’s posture was closed off, her arms crossed in front of her looking away from him and at the doors to the restrooms. He should have turned away. It was none of his business. But something kept him planted in the stop, moving forward a few inches to listen in.

“See, this is what I’m talking about Em! You won’t open up to me. You never would! I mean, I mess up once and now you won’t even talk to me.” Interesting.

“Mess up? Mess up? Clint, you did the one thing, the one thing, I explicitly told you not to do!”

“I know. I know. But I promise it will never happen again. Just give me a chance! Couples get past this sort of thing all the time,” Clint pleaded, placing a hand on her arm that Emily promptly shrugged off.

“I can’t Clint. I told you how important faithfulness and honesty were to me. I made that explicitly clear at the beginning of our relationship and you agreed. You agreed and you still slept with Sharon! I mean, how long has it been going on?”

The man was quiet. Bucky’s stomach dropped. He should walk away. He should really walk away.

“How long Clint?” Emily asked again, this time her voice a little weaker.

“A year and a half.” Bucky might not have been sure he had heard the answer correctly if it wasn’t for Emily’s boisterous reaction.

“A year and a half?! Are you kidding me Clint? Almost our entire relationship? God. I can’t even look at you.” Emily turned to walk away, but Clint caught her by her forearm, yanking her back and against the wall. “Ow!”

“Em don’t walk away. Listen to me! I can explain!”

“Let go of me Clint,” Emily said through gritted teeth.

“No, not until you listen to what I have to say,” Clint responded, desperation and anger evident in his voice.

Bucky, no longer able to watch the exchange, stepped forward, “Hey, back the fuck off man. She told you to let go.”

The coupled looked towards him as he stalked down the hallway, anger seething through him. Who the hell did this guy think he was?

“Listen buddy, this isn’t any of your business,” said Clint in annoyance.

“Like hell it is—” Bucky grabbed Clint by the shoulder and pulled him away from Emily, before turning to her “—are you okay Emily?”

“You really don’t have to do this,” Emily said to Bucky. But the way her posture relaxed, and her arms opened from around her body said differently. She was relieved he had stepped in.

“Do you know this guy Em?” Clint asked, stepping forward.

Bucky swept around, placing himself between Emily and Clint. He towered over the man, using both his height and size to intimidate. Though, he reckoned the flaming, red-hot rage in his eyes would be enough to send him running. He was seething. Every ounce of his self-control kept him from absolutely clobbering the douchebag.

“Just go Clint!” Emily called over Bucky’s shoulder.

Clint laughed, no humor found in his expression or tone, “Are you fucking this guy Em? Is that why you won’t talk to me? Already slutting around?”

Bucky wanted to punch him. Bucky almost punched him. But the soft touch of Emily’s hand on his bicep kept him in check. Turning his head, he caught the desperate plea in her eyes and knew that beating this guy to a pile of mush would be the wrong thing to do. So instead, he took slow and calculated steps towards him until Clint was pressed against the wall opposite them. Bucky watched as the cockiness quickly melted from his face and in its place, fear resided. Jabbing a large finger into his chest, Bucky spoke low and menacingly.

“If I ever see you lay another hand on her, I will personally make sure you regret it. I will not hesitate to kick the ever loving shit out of you. Do I make myself clear?”

Clint nodded frantically, eyes shifting from Bucky and the exit.

“Now, I never want to see you around her or this place ever again. Got it?”

“Yea man, I get it! Just let me go,” Clint pleaded.

“Everything alright here?” Steve’s voice sounded from the hallway entrance.

“Yea. Clint here was just leaving. Mind walking him to the door?”

Steve took a moment to assess the situation behind speaking in a casual tone, “Not at all. Come on Clint.”

Clint’s eyes seemed to go wide when he took in the even more massive man. Steve clasped a hand on Clint’s shoulder and guided him out of sight. Letting out a long breath, Bucky closed his eyes and counted to ten, calming himself before turning back to Emily.

“Are you okay?” Bucky asked, taking a moment to scan his eyes over her.

Emily nodded, biting her lower lip and leaning against the wall behind her.

“No, you’re not. Do you need me to wait for you to get off and walk you home?” Bucky asked, lifting her right arm up to look at it more closely. No bruises. Yet.

“I’m, uh, I’m actually already off. I was headed out of the bathroom when he cornered me,” Emily said, rubbing at her face.

“Okay, let’s get you home then. Come on.”

Bucky and Emily left Goody’s after he explained everything to Steve. His best friend didn’t seem upset about cutting their night short at all. Instead, he told them to make it home safely and that he also made sure Clint would not be coming around any time soon. They walked in silence, the only thing keeping the darkened street alight, the soft yellow lights of streetlamps and porchlights. The walk was very reminiscent of the last time they had found themselves walking the streets of Pocatello late in the evening. The only thing different this time was the lack of Trixie by their side and Bucky’s arm slung over her shoulders protectively. She needed someone to take care of her in that moment. He knew solely from the fact that instead of shying away from his touch, she leaned into it all the way to her apartment.

She hadn’t been lying when she’d said she lived close to him. Her complex was only about a half mile from his house. The manufactured building held no personality, the white siding and grey trim creating uniform replications of the same apartments. However, Emily knew exactly where she was going, leading him towards her apartment with a practiced ease. When she unlocked her front door, she walked right in, leaving the door open. Bucky took this as an invitation to follow her. When he stepped into her place, he found it to be surprisingly lacking in any sentimentality. In fact, it looked half empty. No pictures hung on the walls. No nick-knacks or keep sakes. Just furniture and the odd piece of decoration. It was messy, but not too messy. The small dining room table was clear, but the coffee table held notebooks, pens, and her laptop. A pile of blankets and pillows sat on the single couch in the living room.

As if sensing where his gaze was focused, Emily spoke over her shoulder as she disappeared into a back hall, “You can have a seat on the couch. Just shove the blankets out of the way. I’ll be right back.”

Bucky made his way to the couch, picking up the patchwork quilt. The fabric was soft in his hand, the cotton material aged in just the right way. The individual squares were neat and colorful and held a warmth that Bucky only felt as a child when he visited his grandparents’ house. The intimacy of the quilt overwhelmed him. It was too personal. The situation felt too personal. He shouldn’t be there.

Just as he made to drop the quilt and walk towards the door, Emily reemerged donning a pair of sweats and fuzzy socks.

“Hi,” Bucky said, his mouth dry. Something about seeing her like this, looking so small and vulnerable, felt both wrong and horribly right.

“Hi,” Emily responded, walking towards him and giving a quizzical look at the quilt and then him.

“Oh, I was just admiring it. It’s really beautiful, the quilt I mean.”

Emily pulled it from his hands, hugging it to her chest as she sat down on the couch, “Thanks. It was my grandma’s.”

There was a long pause, a heavy weight filling the space between them.

“Do you wanna’ talk about it?” he asked.

There was a long pause as Emily tried to decide whether she wanted to discuss the events that had occurred that night. Bucky waited with bated breath. Then, with a deep sigh, Emily began to talk.

“We met the summer before the second year of my PhD. Mutual acquaintances. Department barbeque. He seemed nice. We moved in together after a year. And then a year later, a month and half ago to be exact, I found him in our bed with his lab mate, Sharon.” Emily picked at the quilt in her lap and brought her feet up onto the couch, turning towards him. “I kicked him out the same day. Haven’t spoken to him till tonight.”

Bucky was quiet, opting to simply allow her to tuck her feet below his thigh and listen.

“At first, I was upset, but as time’s gone on, I’m realizing that I probably wasn’t upset for the right reason. I felt hurt. But not because I loved him. I should have loved him. I think. We were together for so long. We lived together. But…” She laughed. “I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this. I don’t usually…Nat says I like to bottle things up and make bad jokes at my own expense. I don’t—I don’t usually…”

Bucky found himself reaching out and placing a hand over hers. He had no idea why she felt comfortable enough to open up to him, but he was touched that she did.

“What a dick. Doesn’t matter if you loved him or not. Or if he loved you or not. You made an agreement and he broke that. It’s no one’s fault but his own. You deserve a lot better than that guy, trust me.” The words he spoke were true. She did deserve a lot better.

Emily turned her hand over, her fingertips brushing against the palm of his hands. The touch sent his pulse racing. A burning fire igniting beneath the surface of his skin everywhere her fingers brushed.

“Thank you, Dr. Barnes,” breathed Emily. Her eyes focused on the movement of her hand and Bucky’s in turn as he moved his hand in sync with hers. Fingertips to fingertips. A ghostly touch.

Bucky chuckled lightly, “Are you ever going to call me Bucky?”

“No,” Emily responded, a small smirk on her face.

“So just Dr. Barnes forever?”

She was quiet, a pensive look on her face as she ceased the dance of their hands and threaded her fingers through his.

“How about James?” she asked.

Bucky’s heart clenched. A hand wrapped around it tightly, squeezing and squeezing. The sound of his name, his given name, slipping past her lips and rolling off the tip of her tongue caused a visceral reaction within him. The front of his jeans tightened, and arousal shuddered through his body.

“Say it again,” he commanded, voice gravely with need.

He heard the sound of Emily’s breath catching in her throat before a soft “James” passed her lips. Hand still gripping hers tightly, he used it to pull her forward and onto his lap. Eyes wide with surprise, her chest heaved, and body trembled as she braced her hands on his shoulders.

“Again.”

“James.”

They leaned towards each other, noses touching and lips a whisper apart. The hot, heavy mix of their breaths shared between them. He should stop. He was no longer crossing a line of propriety in mind. He was crossing a real line. Everything told him to stop. The voice in the back of his head was a distant scream that shouted: ‘She’s your student’, ‘You’re her advisor’, ‘It’s inappropriate’, ‘It’s a liability to your position’, ‘What about Diane?’. But with the feel of her hips in his hands and her hair tickling his face as she leaned over him the voice moved farther and farther into the recesses of him mind.

“Again.”

“Ja—”

Emily was cut off by the shrill ring of a phone in the kitchen. They both jumped, pulling away from each other as if the phone itself caught them in the middle of a nefarious act. Bucky released her waist, his hands falling to his sides as Emily stood and ran to the kitchen.

“Hello? Nat, hey. What’s up?” Emily’s voice lilted from the kitchen, breathy with a small hint of panic. “Yea, I’m fine. I just got home a few minutes ago.”

Bucky stood, removing the quilt that had made its way onto his lap and folded it, before gently placing it back on the couch.

“Oh, Steve told you what happened?”

He sighed, looking around the living room and then back towards the kitchen before making his way towards the front door. Quietly, he exited the apartment, closing the door behind him. The chilly bite of the late night air sank through to his bones as he walked home, trying to make sense of what just happened. By the time he made it to his front door he still didn’t know if he should thank Natasha or advise Steve to break up with her. But one thing was definitely clear, he had crossed a line and there was no going back.

Love and Academia Taglist: 

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Marvel Taglist: 

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[moonraccoon-exe]

Hello! I was going through your supportive Regis to Iggy stuff and I’M MELTING!! I love it so much! Do you have anymore Regis-Ignis stuff or even other characters who support gladnis? I really wanna know!

*SMACKS WITH LOVE*

HELLO MUFFIN U THOUGHT I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU? HAH. U ABSOLUTE FOOL. I AM HERE TO SERRRRRRRRRVE 

I’m very excited to answer this because even though I still have 60+ asks (WAY over a year old now, god damn it), it made me so happy to get a new one with such old vibe? Idk how to explain it, it just felt like the first times I’d get asks anD IT MADE ME SO HAPPY OMG THANK YOU ;w;

But not gonna make the intro too long, you here for the nice stuff, so here we go!

The supportive Regis to Iggy stuff is old, some of my first, AND I FREAKING LOVE IT. Here you have supportive Regis being a good papa, and supportive Regis multiple headcanons if you missed it/don’t remember! :3

NOW LET’S SEE WHAT WE CAN GET FROM THIS

AU where Regis is Ignis’ supportive dad figure:

Quick summary following the previous posts’ canon: Iggy’s parents love him but aren’t very good parents. He’s just Noct’s adviser and a kingdom’s servant for them, and don’t care about Iggy’s relationships, not even his romantic one, so they never make any space to talk about it or interact or even care. Not kingdom issues? Then I don’t have time, sweetie, focus on your job and don’t make me waste my time.

So Regis has taken up on the role of Papa Regis for Ignis because a parent isn’t just feeding your child, WHERE IS THE GODDAMN SUPPORT, HE JUST WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THE TIME HE ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED HALF HIS ICE-CREAM ON SATURDAY’S DATE NIGHT, CAN YOU JUST. FUCKING LOVE HIM GODDAMMIT HOW HARD IS IT 

Regis always gets some time to listen to Iggy about Gladio. Even if it’s a few shared whispers while crossing the door to Council meeting, he’ll always ask. Ignis has gotten a grip of that, and they’ve managed to get away with it, be it a long conversation, or two sentences, all so long Iggy gets to express a bit of what he feels :’)

You know what Regis does most? He disguises lots of forms of support in formalities so that Ignis can get away with his things.

Like the one post shared above where Regis made up the lame excuse of “oh, uh, you: drive the Regalia to the Amicitia house and then you’re free lmao” (it’s sO CUTE OMG HOW DARE PAST-ME WRITE SOMETHING SO CUTE). 

Ignis’ parents and council in general are always overwhelming and overloading Ignis of so much work, it’s sometimes a real struggle to find the time to dedicate to his relationship. Gladio understands, but it’s still not fair for Iggy.

So Regis is going to do the Thing: POWER ABUSE. FOR THE BABY.

Not rly power abuse lmao but he’s the king, he has the ultimate word and orders, right? So if he wants Ignis to have some time to himself, HE’S GOING TO FUCKING HAVE IT. But, so that his parents don’t notice or don’t have an excuse to complain, Regis will disguise some Ignis Free Time as orders.

Ignis wants to write a love letter for Gladio, but is stashed to the very last pore of politics paperwork.

“Excuse me, lord, ladies, can you be so kind as to get this paperwork done? I require of this young lad’s presence to be my personal scribe for a very, very important speech. *Closes door* Yes, right, where do we start? The…importance of…the crown, symbol of the city, emblem of…you write your thing, Ignis, I’ll just babble things, ok? the light and…stuff and things and I’ll just start reciting the whole of Kupo Wars intro speech and no one will notice if I speak regal and kingly like this are you good? you need anything you tell me, alright? LONG AGO IN A FAR AWAY GALAXY-”

It’s a special date and Ignis wants to bake something for Gladio because GladiO LOVES EATING SO MUCH, YOUR MAJESTY, HE’S SO HAPPY WHEN HE EATS AND I WANT TO MAKE HIM HAPPY

“Yes, hello, it seems like Ignis won’t be able to attend this interview because I want to impress the Tenebrae diplomats and I need the best chef of Eos aiding me, come here on royal duty, Ignis.”

((after Ignis finished baking the cake and people expected Regis to try it he just went “AAAH, GOODNESS, I FORGOT I’M ALLERGIC TO CAKE, WHAT A DUMBASS I AM, WELP, WE DON’T WANT IT TO GO TO WASTE SO WHY DON’T YOU TAKE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE YOU KNOW WILL LOVE IT, IGNIS? ( ´ ▽ ` )))

((regis how is anyone allergic to cake as a whole lmao))

Ignis is just sad because he wants to spend a bit of time with Gladio.

“HELLO IGNIS, GUESS WHICH ABSOLUTELY IDIOTIC KING RIPPED HIS CLOTHES, WHAT A MYSTERY, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN, I THINK YOU’LL HAVE TO GO BUY ME A NEW SUIT BUT DON’T YOU DARE GO ALONE, YOU’RE A FAMOUS FACE OF THE ROYAL WORLD, YOU OBVIOUSLY NEED A GUARD, AM I RITE, WHO IS AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW-”

“well, Cor is-”

“GLADIOLUS, DEAR, WHAT A COINCIDENCE, I HAVE A JOB FOR YOU RIGHT NOW, BOY.”

Soft and gentle and loving as he is, Regis can also be shady af with people that deserve it.

Scientia father is talking about some stupid thing and he mentions his son.

Regis is giving him the most deeply confused frown of the world, and ultra genuinely asks “You have a son???????”

He does this. EVERY. TIME. Scientia parents talk about Ignis LMAO, EVERY FUCKING TIME

(just wants to make it clear he doesn’t see them as parents to Ignis but that’s just his opinion, right, what does it matter, fuck him)

Regis isn’t only a supportive dad for Iggy when it comes to Gladnis. He’s also a supportive papa in general.

Kiddo Ignis can’t. STOP STARING. At the aerial rope acts and acrobatics on TV. THEY ARE JUST. SO FUCKING ARTISTIC. SO ELEGANT. SO BEAUTIFUL. KIDDO IGNIS LOVES THE ACROBATS HELOVESTHEMSOMU- ok Iggy TV time is over, you have to go make your ridiculously advanced homework that sucks the childhood out of you ok baby boy?

40 year old Regis Papa Sense tingles. 

40 y.o. Regis is taking Ignis from his parents at a hallway while they were leading him to his first Crownsguard training lesson “Yes, I take it from here, I want to give him a little encouraging speech, you know how this can be a little disheartening from how hard it is? Haha yeah, children these days am I rite”

Ignis walks into the training hall expecting Cor or Clarus or some Crownsguard with a pole ready to fucking SMACK HIM.

Ignis walks into the training hall being received by Insomnia’s fifth best circus arts coreographer. 

“Hello, you must be Ignis. The king said you’re very excited about aerial ropes and acrobatics? That’s so cool. Are you excited to be learning it yourself, now?”

Little twelve years old Ignis is GASP .A. *looks up at Regis like ¿¿¿¡¡¡¡???!!!*

“It’s OBVIOUSLY just to have an expert acrobat fighter, the only one of your kind, flexible, agile fighter that can jump, am I rite, enemies won’t expect that. So this is NOT arts class, it’s…OBVIOUSLY your Crownsguard training as we told your parents. OBVIOUSLY. Right, boy? Now, we don’t want to spoil the surprise. No telling mom and dad, ok? You tell them it’s Cor teaching you to punch things. Have fun. I mean. TRAIN HARD, HUFFFFFFFF”

IGNIS WAS HYSTERICALLY HAPPY YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE SO MUCH JOY FITS IN THAT CHILD

Nineteen year old Ignis figured out his first real strategy at war table and it was an utter success.

Papa be like, not even looking away of his papers, “It’s your responsibility.”

REAL PAPA Regis rushed to hug him, grinning, and goes “Wow, Ignis, that’s fantastic!! Congratulations!! You worked very hard on it, and you helped save so many lives. Imagine all the families that will reunite thanks to you. You, fantastic boy, you’re so young and so skilled already, I’m so proud of you.”

Ignis had a literal nervous breadown out of stress overload.

Mama be like “take these pills, rest five minutes, now go back to your office, you can’t stay behind, you have all these paperworks DUE TOMORROW, YOU CAN’T JUST CALL IN SICK??? LIKE IT’S AN EXCUSE¿¿¿”

Ignis arrived to his office to find two sofas placed there together like a bed, comfy, cozy, with a blankie and cushions, and a therapist waiting at the desk.

“Hello. You must be Ignis. The king scheduled an appointment for you today. He also said you don’t need to worry about the paperwork, and said, I quote *reads paper* “…fuck paperwork”. Oh my. Anyway, come here, please lie down and let’s see what we can do for you, ok, sweetie?”

Seventeen year old Ignis is NERVOUS about his first date with Gladio. Like. HIS CRUSH. ASKED HIM OUT?? HIS CRUSH. NOT ANYONE, HIS ACTUAL CRUSH SINCE HE WAS TEN??????? THE GUY HE HAD BEEN PINING OVER FOR YEARS. THE GUY THAT HE FELT SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WAY OUT OF HIS LEAGUE. HE. ASKED. HIM. OUT. WTF, HOW CAN IGNIS NOT BE NERVOUS, HE’S BEEN CRUSHING ON HIM SINCE EVEN BEFORE HE KNEW WHAT A CRUSH WAS

Papa be like “But?? I thought you were staying in today for training????? What about the prince’s interviews you have to cover for the day after tomorrow?? The paperwork for monday?? Your HOMEWORK¿¿ Ignis, you’re way better than this, leave the teenage drama alone. Free time? That you’re a teen and just want to go out and I just think about work??? Yes, no, I understand that, of COURSE I do, I just…nervous? IT’S JUST A DATE IGNIS OHMYGOD, don’t be so immature, just wear anything, go to your date, and be back as soon as possible, I won’t tolerate you being out after eight.”

Papa Regis is stopping a deep breathing absent-looking Ignis in the middle of the hallway to ask if he’s fine. It took like fifteen minutes of an embarrassed Ignis melting and becoming a puddle of shyness making excuses before he spilled the truth, blushing in embarrassment, whispering, feeling absolutely fucking stupid and like a dork.

“…I just…don’t know…what to wear…”

Regis be (・_・ )

An hour later locked away in Ignis’ office after having had an ACTUAL KINGSGLAIVE FUCKING SNEAK INTO IGNIS’ HOUSE AND BRING ALL HIS CLOTHES IN A HURRY (under royal command lmao), Regis is adjusting Ignis’ hair and glasses over and over, stepping back, staring with a >:| look, then going back in, re-arrange, step back, stare like >:|, step in to re-arrange, and so over and over, all while both discuss over it like it’s a death or life issue.

Regis becomes expert fashion critique

“HOW. Are you going to put those shoes on with THAT shirt.”

“YOU’RE RIGHT, I JUST. I’M SO NERVOUS.”

But being serious, Regis made sure to spend so very long in there with Ignis not because he didn’t know what to have him wear; that was the excuse to spend a while with Ignis to help him calm down. Boy was absolutely GONE, he needed to put his feet back on earth before his date or he was going to combust lmao

AND IT WORKED

Ignis’ shift is over and he goes “I wasted my last hour doing NOTHING ;A;”

“HOW DARE YOU SAY IT’S NOTHING WHEN WE USED IT SO WELL TO GET YOU READY”

Ignis is more honored by having had the king help him pick his clothes than working so it doesn’t feel as bad. Plus, Regis knows his way through the mess of his head to make him not feel guilty

Before going out of the office, Regis is taking his time to smile a lot and stare at Ignis, before he drops the whole king attitude or fashion expert and goes with this tender, warm, and genuinely happy voice “So he finally asked you out.”

Ignis absolutely changes then. He just…glOWS HAPPY AND LOVING. And of course he starts sharing the whole thing with Regis, from asking out to how long he had been liking him to how he feels about it and stuff. Regis listens patiently, and then he gets up from his place and goes to grab Ignis’ face and helps a bit with his hair, and he can’t help but stare and stare with these…these IMMENSELY WARM EYES AND THIS HUGE SWEET, TENDER SMILE

“I’m so happy for you two. You two have always looked good together, and I think you’re meant to be. You’ll be fine, son.”

Ignis may have teared up a little and looked down. He feels…sO ENCOURAGED, SO SUPPORTED, HE FEELS LIKE SOMEONE CARES, IT’S SO NICE AKLSDJFDG

of fucking COURSE it was the best first date EVER

Ignis sometimes wants to get Gladio presents, but he doesn’t know where to put them (as in, if he gets Gladio a gift, it may be a few days earlier, so where does he store it during those few days?). No way to put them in his room because his parents check his room (never looking for anything in particular but it’s to ‘’keep him in check’’ or some bullshit), and they have key to his office too. 

Regis motherfucking Lucis Caelum is going to store that unicorn plushie in armiger and you better not question him.

You know how Regis and Noctis have royal portraits taken each certain years?

Yes, there is an official royal photograph or Regis with a twenty year old Ignis because what the fuck do you mean it’s just for the Lucis Caelum last name he’s my son regardless of last names fuck you give me that stupid camera

Of course it didn’t count to the ‘official’ archives of the heir and monarch portraits but goddammit is Regis going to make sure it’s hung somewhere in the fucking Citadel.

You thought Regis was just taking the role at times? HELL NO, HE’S GOING FULL PAPA BEAR MODE, HE LOVES IGGY AS MUCH AS HE LOVES NOCT, OF COURSE HE’S GOING THIS FAR

He keeps making that little adorable slip of thinking of Noct and Iggy as literal brothers because he’s just so into supporting Ignis he keeps forgetting he’s not his son neither legally or genetically.

“You can’t just get rid of your brother-in-law, that’s ridiculous.”

“…who?”

“Gladi- ooh, yes, lmao, I forgot. I meant Gladio”

“DO NOT TALK LIKE THAT TO YOUR BROTHER.”

“But I don’t have a brother.”

“right”

“You should follow Ignis’ example, that’s what big brothers are for.”

“Dad you’re doing it again.”

“Hello, Ignis? I wanted to talk to your brother. Ah, fuck, I meant, Noctis.”

Regis gets really moody every time Scientia parents are around. He knows they’re not necessarily evil, but that doesn’t mean they’re not abusive. He’s been reflecting long about it and he sees them as abusive even if incidentally so of course he gets moody. HOW DARE THEY MISTREAT MY CHILD LIKE THAT.

Regis had Clarus review a literal petition to change Insomnia’s adult age from 21 to 19 so Ignis could move the fuck out of his house sooner.

council said no those pieces of shIT

Regis insisted

“Your Majesty, we can’t just change that law so easily and fast, and think of-”

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CHILDREN WANT TO GET OUT OF THEIR GODDAMN HOUSE TO ESCAPE AN ABUSIVE ENVIRONMENT BUT FUCKING CAN’T BECAUSE THEY’RE “TOO YOUNG”

Regis mopped about it for a month

When Noct moved to his flat near school, Regis did it so he could grow a bit of independency…and to give Ignis the spare key.

“My son may need some watch every now and then. Leave the house duties to him, that’s fine, son, just…uh…keep an eye on him some nights. Any night you want. I happened to find only a flat with two separate rooms haha what a coINCIDENCE AIN’T IT so it’s fine if you want to spend the night with Noct :)”

He was basically gifting Ignis his own shared apartment WHAT THE HECK YOUR MAJESTY YOU’RE GIVING ME A WHOLE ASS APARTMENT?????? OMG NO STOP

((Ignis used that apartment very frequently the poor bby ;A;))

When Noct graduates and goes back to living at the Citadel, Ignis at first is sort of upset of having to go back to his house every day. He normally can’t get to spend the nights at Gladio’s or anyone else’s because his parents thing it’s inappropriate. But Ignis just looks…so upset. He doesn’t say anything, and he keeps talking about being happy of Noct’s growth and independency and graduation and his grades and him getting to be back with his dad and stuff, but when he’s alone he looks so upset. He looks like he’s sleeping less, and worse than before; he looks like…like carrying a heavier weight, that kept growing and growing. He looked less healthy, less happy, less bright.

And as soon as he notices, there we have him, king motherfucking Regis signing the official return of the prince’s gentlemen job, and signing Ignis in the goddamn title without even asking him first. 

Regis’ excuse is that Ignis is his first assistant, personal adviser, closest companion, so it only makes sense to have Ignis attend him personally at any time the prince so needs it, SO YOU BETTER NOT HAVE ANY EXCUSES YOU PIECES OF SHIT TO LET YOUR SON LIVE IN THE ROOM NEXT TO NOCT’S, OKAY, FUCK YOU.

It was a smart move because Scientia parents were delighted with the promotion and progress, yes yes, we told you working this hard would get you really far, son, of course it was due to the pressure we put on you that you get to be the prince’s personal assistant to a new level.

Regis really just wanted Ignis to get out of that goddamn place for most nights.

And not like Noctis asks for anything. Wakes up WAY later than Ignis, cleans his own room as best as he can (he’s trying, ok? LEAVE HIM ALONE), and it’s not like it’s the 1st century to be asking Ignis to dress him or anything, ew, get away of my room, you dork, this is my stuff!!

IGNIS HAS NEVER SLEPT SO GODDAMN WEL IN HIS GODDAMN LIFE, and it’s not like his parents don’t let him sleep or anything, it’s just…the air. It’s different. The environment is WAY comfier and more cozy, HE LOVES SLEEPING THERE.

Regis is also there when Iggy is having bad times.

As much as he’s eventually learned that his parents just Don’t Care, it’s not like it’s an easy thing to digest, you know? Because they’re this horrible mix between genuinely loving and still abusive and toxic. They want the best for him, but they’ve broken him to the point of literal physical breakdowns. They love him, but don’t know his favorite meal or color. They want him to go far but forget he’s a human, and just see his grades and work, and don’t know how he has fun and have never once listened to him about his YEARS LONG RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN HE GENUINELY LOVES AND WHO HE HAS LIVED WITH THE MOST ADVENTURES. Ignis is often very troubled about his parents, because as much distance as he’s put in between and as much as he doesn’t acknowledge them as his parents because of all the bad they’ve done to him and how absent they’ve been, he just can’t help but…still be hurt about it, you know? 

So even though he has Regis’ full awesome support, and Clarus’, and other parental figures, it’s just not the people he grew up with all his life calling “parents”. They may be abusive and absent but goddammit, the child in him used to think they were his parents, and good ones. It’s not like he can just not care.

So it’s not rare that Ignis gets emotional over it, or has cried a few times, especially when he has something significative going on in his life and his parents just aren’t there, even when he reaches out to them and they’re just “too busy”.

SO ONE DAY

Nothing particular had happened. It was the constant storing of that kinda events, thoughts and feelings that kept building up until they were too many and made Ignis sort of break. 

His parents just wouldn’t speak about his relationship with Gladio. The most they have gotten to was telling him to not be explicit about it to save scandals about someone as important as an Amicitia, to always be perfectly sharp and as best looking as he could because an Amicitia just couldn’t be seen with someone less than Perfect, and would often tell him to not get hopes too high because Gladiolus looked like a man to constantly switch partners so you better be careful. But they never cared about knowing him, having him for dinner, talking about their dates, not even how or WHEN it started, they didn’t even know how long it had been going on, or the places they’ve been or the things they’d done together, NOTHING.

Ignis is so very often at the Amicitias’; has dinner, sleeps over when he can, has gone out with Iris alone SO MANY times, has been with Clarus alone SO MANY TIMES, has LITERALLY GONE ON VACATIONS WITH THEM, and his parents can’t even shake Gladio’s hand even when they all work in the same goddamn place? Were they for real?

Ignis once tried talking with them about the possibility of marriage. He had been with Gladio for a good couple years, and he was sure about it, and had even spoken a bit with Gladio about it, and it seemed like a bright plan. 

It took Ignis MONTHS. Literal months of mental preparation. He wrote the little speech and corrected it over and over and over and over for weeks to know what to tell his parents and how. He practiced in his head, with the mirror, with Noctis, he rehearsed aloud to an empty room. He had his routine of breathing before it to get ready, during it to not lose it, he had been gathering courage for all those MONTHS

“I’m sorry, Ignis, I know it’s important but I have to hand these papers in three days from now. Could you tell me some other day?”

He didn’t even get to the first word of his speech because he wasn’t even given the chance.

He dropped the bomb in the first sentence he said, on purpose, so his parents would know how big of a thing it was and wouldn’t discard it; “I’ve spoken with Gladiolus about marriage.” And he got this. I’m busy. Paperwork. Good that you’re marrying but can you please not interrupt me?

Ignis didn’t even get angry. He just stood there, in front of his parents, staring a little with a blank face. He still waited a bit, and his mom did look up from her papers as if asking if he needed anything. Willing to listen, and Ignis knew and saw it. 

But decided it wasn’t worth it, and he just turned around and left. 

He didn’t feel bad that night, or the next, and he worked just fine during the week…but he kept…to say it some way, withering.

 Like back when he had to go back to sleeping at his parents’ every night, Ignis started slowly looking restless and upset with each day. With the heavy air and shoulders, the tired look, and that exhausted aura that felt like he struggled at getting out of bed every day. 

And of course, Regis noticed. 

One day, he visited Ignis to see what was going on. He had Ignis sit on a chair and he sat across him, and had him talk about it. By that point Ignis has grown so much personal trust with Regis that he doesn’t struggle anymore at opening up with him. 

Ignis spoke long, much longer than he knew he had to speak, about all the things his parents don’t do and do, and went on and on, and it was past the shift end hour, it got dark and late and they didn’t even bother turning the lights on and just kept going. 

And then Ignis got to the point where one sentence alone had him break.

“I don’t understand, I’m their son, and they love me, so why don’t they care?”

Ignis stopped there because, as he said that last bit, he started crying. Fast, out of nowhere, not even noticing, he just…broke down right there. At first he stayed still while crying, as if only after saying it aloud had he noticed the weight it held. 

Little by little he started putting the head down, until he seemed to finally understand what he said, and so he started properly crying. Ignis tried cleaning his eyes, took his glasses off, and sobbed and cried.

It wasn’t long before Regis had stood from his chair and had reached for him. Got close, and took Ignis in a hug.

Ignis didn’t even care if this was the king or someone else’s dad. He didn’t. He just buried his face in his hands, and his hands and face in Regis’ chest, and started sobbing. 

Regis hugged him and kept him to his chest for as long as he needed. He pet his hair, rubbed his back, squeezed his arms, and didn’t let go while letting Iggy cry all that he wanted to sob out.

After a bit, Ignis tried cleaning his nose and eyes, and let go of his face to hug Regis back. It was a bit timid, and a little weak, but he held to Regis’ jacket like a scared, upset kid, and shyly sniffled while calming down. 

“Why don’t they care?” he whispered again mid-tears, genuinely lost…but not alone.

Later, when Ignis let go and Regis sat next to him, Ignis apologized because he “should” be grateful for what he has, and he has Regis and that’s way better than any parent he could have asked for and way better than the bad his real parents have done to him, and, surprisingly, Regis didn’t agree this time.

“It’s not something that can be replaced. A joy in your life doesn’t nulify the bad. When it hurts, it hurts. I can be your dad all that we want, but it won’t take away the hurt you feel for the real one. And that’s ok. You are grateful for what you have, but it’s also ok to be hurting on this. I would be hurting, too.”

someone give this man a prize already please

A week later Clarus walked into a very upset Regis giving a paper his Tantrum Frown.

“Regis?”

“Clarus how do I adopt an adult that has legal living parents?”

Regis, no.

REGIS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING YES.

Now Regis doesn’t ask the Scientia “you have a son?” whenever they mention Ignis, he just goes “Ah, you know his name?”

savage

One day, a 24 year old Iggy went to Regis’ chambers during a sunday hence day off. Regis was ? :3

Ignis asked Regis if he would please help him choose the engagement ring he was going to get for Gladio.

Regis was out of the room screaming and swinging the Regalia’s keys before Ignis had finished the sentence.

SHOPPING TIME

There we have him a PROUD PAPA going with his BEAUTIFUL SON to get an engagement ring because BOY IS GONNA ASK HIS BF FOR MARRIAGE AND JESUS CHRIST IS THIS EXCITING

Honestly I’m saving how excited Regis was because it’s just too much excitement to be described lmao 

Just imagine him screeching the whole way to the mall

and the dy after

and all over the week

Regis was so excited he slightly fainted at least twice across the week lmao thank the gods a chuckling Clarus was there to help but anyway back to RING SHOPPING

Just like that time Regis was his FASHION EXPERT on the first date Iggy had with Gladio, Regis is now becoming RING EXPERT for him

“HOW. Are you going to wear that ring with those SHOES”

“why are the shoes always the problem”

They didn’t spend as long in the store as they did with the clothes that once, but they did spend a good while looking at the prettiest rings and comparing and thinking about what Gladio would personally like, and etc etc. 

Basically Regis helping Iggy pick the engagement ring plEASE I BEG FOR THIS SCENARIO AKSLJDFDG *cries*

When Ignis got decided for one, he was just pulling out his credit card when RegIS. FUCKING. SLAMMED HIS DEBIT CARD ON THE COUNTER.

I PAY FOR THIS ONE.

omg but king Regis I’ve been saving up for a whole yea-

IT GOES ON MY BEHALF GOD FUCKING DAMMIT THIS IS MORE A GIFT TO ME THAN IT IS TO EITHER OF YOU SHUT UP

Regis = Gladnis shipper #1

Fun side story, an hour after Ignis and Regis left, CLARUS AND GLADIO ARRIVED. TO THE SAME STORE. LOOKING FOR THE EXACT SAME RING THAT IGNIS JUST BOUGHT. BECAUSE GLADIO HAD HAD IT IN HIS WATCH FOR OVER A MONTH NOW, BUT HE FREAKING…DIDN’T RESERVE IT, HE’S AN IDIOT, SOME STUPID ASSHOLE BOUGHT IT BEFORE HIM, IT WAS THE PERFECT RING, P E R F E C T, THERE WAS NO RING BETTER ON THIS PLANET OR THIS UNIVERSE THAT COULD COMPARE, AND WHAT WERE THE ODDS HE COULD FIND THE BUYER TO BUY IT BACK!?? WHAT WERE THE GODDAMN ODDS FUCKTHISSHIT GLADIO WAS SO A N G R Y.

fun side story #2 can we have Gladnis proposing to each other the same day because that’s disgustingly freaking adorable and I die with cuteness overload at the thought thank you. Like u know, those cute videos, I think there are two where partner 1 proposes to partner 2, and partner 2 just LAUGHS and partner 1 is ;A; ??? and partner 2 suddenly pulls out a little box too and it makes sense and the two just freaking lose it. Yes, Gladnis vibes, thank you

Let’s make it an Eos tradition that the father or parent or parental figure of the groom (or bride or person in suit) gets them the tie and only show them on the wedding day and they put it on their kid. (that’s actually a nice tradition, nice thinking Brain, I’ll steal this from myself later)

On the wedding day, in a room, Clarus is tying Gladio’s tie.

In the other, Ignis is tying his own. 

He did tell dad, but didn’t tell him about the tradition and dad assumed it wasn’t happening. It was fine, Ignis kept it a secret because he didn’t want his dad to do it, and he was fine getting his own tie. 

(Scientia parents are present, just Ignis asked them to be sat and away, he was fine on his own, and because Scientia parents don’t care they were just like okie)

And of course, there was then a knock at the door.

“Ignis?”

“…ki…KING REGIS!?”

Regis is smiling and going in and closing the door. Ignis stands up and he seemed to have been about to run towards him, but he freezes in his spot, and suddenly stands there like a lost shy kid, and his eyes immediately water. They say nothing for a while and just stare at each other, until Ignis, at the edge of crying, just whispers in a broken voice “You came.”

“Of course I did. What sort of horrible thing would I be if I missed your wedding? I’m sorry I’m late, I just didn’t know in which room you were. You should’ve told me!”

It takes a while as Ignis controls his tears and feelings and gets over the shyness before he says it.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you’d come and I didn’t want to pressure you by asking for this…extra thing, just consumes time, and I could do it alone, it was fine, really…”

“An extra thing?” 

Regis starts limping his way towards him. Then, when he gets to Ignis, he pulls out a little large box. Ignis finally starts crying when Regis opens it and there’s a tie inside.

While Iggy cries a bit, Regis undoes his tie, throws it away, and gently and very softly starts tying the new one. He does his best and prettiest tie, and pats it.

“It’s no extra thing. It’s my responsibility.”

Ignis immediately went in for a tight hug, crying into Regis’ shoulder.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t ask you for this, I’m so sorry…I…know you’re genuinely busy, and that’s ok, you run the biggest country of the world and a whole magic core alone, I know it’s genuine and I’ve never been upset for that, I just…know you’re genuinely busy…”

Regis returned the hug as lovingly and tight as only a father does, and kissed his head.

“Yes, a king is always busy. But never for my son.”

And that’s how Ignis was walked down the aisle by REGIS FUCKING LUCIS CAELUM CXIII OF HIS NAME THE MAN HIMSELF.

*cries*

HOW DARE YOU ASK ME FOR SUPPORTIVE REGIS, ANON, NOW I’M A MESS OF FEELINGS AND A CHAOS OF EMOTIONS ASKDJFKG GODS BLESS THANK YOU SO MUCH THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN TO WRITE AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I’m an absolute disaster for supportive papa Regis. U see supportive Regis u show me, ok? OK? THANK YOU ;____;

But anyways, dear anon, HERE YOU GO WITH THIS BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL ASK THAT WAS SUCH A DELIGHT TO RECEIVE, AND SUCH A WONDER TO ANSWER. ( ˙꒳​˙ )

I hope you enjoyed these at least half as I did!

Thank you, and have a WONDAHFUL day! 

[chrysanthemumpink]

My therapist wants me to get tested for ADHD and honestly, i don’t know how to feel. I didn’t tell her but this isn’t the first time the prospect of adhd has beem mentioned. It was talked about when I was younger. I didn’t learn to write letters till I was 8 years old. I could read just fine. I read letters, words, and “chapter books.” And I read them quite well. But I couldn’t write anything until I used special pencils and my mom held my hand and traced the letters. I learned to write by muscle memory. Letters, to me, became the weight of my mother’s hand and a conditioned response to the cold kitchen table and the smell of rice for dinner. Writing was a choreograophy flavored with the spoons my mom let me lick.

“Concentrate. Go slow. There you go!” my mom would say in her mom voice. She was proudest of lowercase “a”

I had a real adhd consultation in the 4th grade. But the test for adhd was expensive. It was too expensive for a 4th grader to comprehend but expensive enough for that 4th grader to see the disdain and desperation in their parents’ faces. I remember the exchange of papers, the scribbling of numbers, and my mom’s white people voice. It’s the voice she has when she’s pretending to buy something when in reality, she’s going to put the thing back, be content with the free samples, and roll her eyes as she walks away, never to return. “I wish i would....” we’d say.

“If it becomes a problem you’re gonna get tested,” they said.

They said it like it was a sentencing, a curse. But by “problem” they meant bad grades. And my grades were never bad. I actually took an IQ test in that same building. it was cheaper than an adhd test and they wanted to make sure there wern’t any “problems.” I dont remember the score. I dont like numbers and I didn’t care anyway. But I joined a class for gifted children so I never became “a problem.”

Yea, I had “behavior issues.” I was mean to other kids, and I still couldn’t write very well. But once you score enough AR points, teachers don’t care if you can write, if your shoe strings bother you, or if you break pencils when nervous. But adhd had always been in the back of my mind. How could I not? I rock back and forth all the time. “Stop,” my mom would say, “or you’ll get Altizmer’s like your grandma.” Grandma rocks back and forth all the time; I look just like her.

Where am i going with this? How am i supposed to feel? I was so happy when i got diagnosed with bipolar ii. That was supposed to be the end. I could finally understand and fix what was wrong with me. And i know that something is wrong. But it turns out that was only part of the dumpster fire that is my own brain. But what now? Is the list of mental defects just gonna keep growing? Am I just gonna keep discovering what is wrong with me? I had a meeting with my thesis advisor yesterday. I mispelled a lot of words. Again. And MLA 8 ia confusing. Will I ever finish my PhD?

I draw circles when people talk to me, it helps me remember what they are saying. If the information is really important, I play tic tac toe. I need music to work, preferably video game/movie music, because I can reimagine the story in my head. The daydreams take up the background noise in my head. I wake up at 4am because I can’t just wakeup, get dressed, and go to work at 10. I need time to transition between wake up, brush teeth, eat breakfast, drink coffee, get dressed, etc.

I am also very messy and I lose things, so my solution is to own nothing. I own one plate and one bowl. There’s one pot, one skillet, one fork, and one spoon. I have two baking sheets. 8 dishes means I will never get overwhelmed with dirty dishes. I’ve also embraced minimalism with my clothing. Few clothing means I don’t get overwhelmed by laundry. A small purse means that I don’t get overwhelmed by what fits inside. In bed, I don’t sleep underneath the covers. I sleep above the covers and shield myself with a light blanket instead. Making my bed stresses me out so my solution is to never sleep in it, i just lie on top of it with my blanket. I don’t even disturb the decrative pillows. I don’t use a pillow at all. It gets cold sometimes but I can’t buy a new blanket. I will get overwhelmed. Im very messy and I dont trust myself with things.

My therapist says its anxiety. When my mania appeared I was bipolar ii, and now I am, perhaps, adhd. I just don’t know what to think anymore? Why am I even thinking at all? My brain doesn’t even work!

[katastroficwriter]

Headcanon about Santa Claus. Kiibo want to give away the children with presents until Ouma pops his dream saying he's a robot but he will help him anyway

Hiii! I’m sorry for taking so long to fill this prompt! I finally found my inspiration to work on my drafts again, so I immediately rushed to work on this. Once again, I’m sorry for being late!

“I have always wondered about the significance of this elderly man,” Kiibo speaks up out of the blue as he lightly tugged at the small Santa doll’s hat. “I see him everywhere around December, but I never really wondered about his origin until now.”

“You mean to say you don’t know anything about Santa Claus?” Ouma’s head perked up in interest.

“Yes,” replied the robot as he placed the doll back to its perch on the coffee table. “Can…you perhaps educate me on the subject, Ouma-kun?”

“Well, since Christmas is right around the corner, I guess I should be nice,” Ouma scooched closer to the robot and leaned close. “I don’t want Santa Claus to punish me for being naughty, after all.”

“P-punish?” Kiibo parroted, his ahoge shriveled with worry.

“Yeah!” The supreme leader moved back. “You don’t know this, but he is actually an international criminal known for breaking and entering!”

“A criminal?!” Kiibo’s ahoge jolted into an exclamation point. “That can’t be right. Then why is he everywhere during December?”

“That’s because it serves as a warning to children everywhere, since that’s his target demographic. Like, “if you see this man, he’ll break in your house.” And if you’re naughty, he leaves children a punishment to remember. It’s even worse if he catches you awake after he breaks in your home. He’s a disgusting criminal,” Ouma shook his head. “Why do you think children cry whenever their parents placed them on a pretend Santa’s lap in malls? They’re scared. They can sense his evil even though the mall employee is just playing pretend.”

Kiibo’s brows furrowed, as he thought back to the shopping trip he and Kirumi went on a few days prior. He did in fact see something like that in the mall, so it seems the supreme leader wasn’t lying after all. “I…see. I suppose that makes sense…”

“That was a lie of course~!” Ouma chimed in a sing-song manner, which got him a faceful of Kiibo’s orca plush. But not even the monochrome plush could stifle the raven-haired teen’s cackling.

Fortunately, the supreme leader did explain the proper origin of Santa to him. Kiibo appreciated the historical detail that he would have otherwise not known, up to the modern depiction of Santa which was widespread throughout the world. There was one thing that stuck out to the android during his friend’s entire explanation though.

“The protector of children and sailors, huh,” Kiibo trailed off with awe.

“Yeah, but that’s St. Nicholas of Myra. The fatty in red you see everywhere is a faker and a criminal!” Ouma punctuated his sentence with a huff, wagging his finger to emphasize his disdain for one of the most exploited icons of capitalism. “You guys keep going around saying how terrible I am for lying all the time, but here you are supporting the very icon that lets businessmen run off with money by selling his lie to middle-class families every Christmas season, too. Don’t you know how many children have trust issues now after realizing that Santa wasn’t real after all?”

“I-if you put it that way, that does sound bad…but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with granting children momentary happiness by having them believe in Santa’s existence,” Kiibo fidgeted. “I-it is as you said before…not all lies are bad…you know?”

Ouma tugged his scarf over his nose as he looked away. “Hmph. Of course you’d think that way. Cherishing fleeting moments created by make-believe…you were always so into cheesy things like that.”

“I wouldn’t call it make-believe,” Kiibo mumbled, trapping his chin between his index finger and a thumb in a thinking pose. “If you believed in something, that makes it real for you, doesn’t it? That’s why I…”

The supreme leader shifted his attention back to the android, tilting his head to the side–curious. “You what?”

Kiibo’s inner collar gated a little over his lips in mild embarrassment, his fidgeting becoming more prominent. “I…wanted to experience being Santa. J-just this once is okay!”

“And why is that?” Ouma tilted his to the opposite direction.

“I wanted to…uhm…” he clasped his hands together in an attempt to keep himself grounded. “I wanted to spread joy the way Santa does. To make children happy and seeing them smile. I thought that maybe I could learn something from the experience as well.”

“Ohhhh, I see!” Ouma tapped his finger against his chin. “But…you can’t be Santa.”

Kiibo stilled. “And why is that?”

The supreme leader moved to fold his arms behind his head. “Becauuuuse, Santa isn’t a robot! Ergo, robots can’t be Santa!”

“Ghghk! I’m–I’m not trying to be Santa anyway!” the android frowned. “I simply wanted to…understand the ‘happiness’ of giving rather than receiving.”

Ouma stared at the android for a couple of minutes before letting out an impressed whistle. “I didn’t think I’d live to see the day where little ol’ Kiiboy would want to emulate humanity’s greatest criminal. Sounds fun! Count me in.”

“D-do not mock me! And I’m not little!” Kiibo fumed like he always would whenever Ouma’s teasing finally started getting to him. His eyes widened in surprise upon registering the supreme leader’s last statement. “W-wait. ‘Count me in’? What are you scheming, Ouma-kun?” He narrowed his eyes at the grinning demon in white.

“Oh. You’ll see~”

                               ————————————————–

“I-isn’t this breaking and entering?”

“That’s what Santa does all the time, I say we’re on the right track,” was Ouma’s response as he fiddled with the door’s lock using his trusty lock-picks. “Besides, if we tried the chimney way, the roof might cave in cause of your metal butt. That, and we don’t have magical flying reindeers.” Click. “…Or jetpacks.”

“While that’s true, I don’t think that this is the right way to go about this…” murmured Kiibo as he entered the orphanage right after the leader.

“What, you want to knock on the door and tell them, ‘do not mind me, I just want to drop off some presents’? You’d only come off as suspicious,” Ouma hissed his response. “Now shush. Keep yapping and we’ll get caught…!”

Kiibo frowned at his remark, but obeyed. What the leader said was true. It wasn’t meant to get a rise out of him like the usual robophobic remarks Ouma keeps regarding him with during their breaks. If other Ultimates were unused to the sight of such an advanced robot as he, what more if he was seen by unknowing adults? He’d scare them. Especially the children he sought to make happy in the first place.

Ouma gestured for the android to follow him to a hall without looking back. Kiibo wasn’t sure if he should be frightened with the fact that his companion seemed so used to the art of stealth which hopefully , wasn’t used for a crime which they were technically already committi–Kiibo shook his head. He shouldn’t let himself get sidetracked. They only have one objective, and that was to leave presents for the orphans residing in the orphanage located not too far from their school campus.

They didn’t have the funds to buy brand new gifts, but it helped them a lot when their classmates allowed them to hoard the stuff they were about to throw out in preparation for the new year. Other than clothing and reading materials, however, Ouma even threw in some of his old toy collection that were still as good as new despite the chaotic state of his room. That gesture coming from the supreme leader moved him. Despite Ouma’s off-putting remarks about Santa Claus, he actually took the holiday’s tradition quite seriously. That begs the question though…

Why does it seem like Ouma knows exactly where everything is?

As if on cue, the supreme leader beckoned him with a finger, “Over here. You place the gifts right under the tree.” He whispered.

“Ah, right.” Kiibo settled the sack by the tree and began stacking the gifts carefully. It was impossible for two people to deliver gifts to all the children in the world, but if they could bring smiles to the children living in this orphanage, that would be already enough. His eyes widened in surprise once he realized that the presents had names on it. How did…?

“You sure you have time to be gawking at every single thing you see, Kiiboy?” Ouma hissed. “We don’t have all night!”

“Wha–? You know things would be a lot faster if you help me with unloading the presents,” the android hissed back.

“Hey, you’re the one who wanted to play Santa, and that–” Ouma jabbed a thumb at the Christmas tree. “Is part of your job. Right now I’m just Santa’s lil helper.” He punctuates his sentence by biting on a gingerbread man.

Kiibo didn’t bother pressing the matter any further and sighed. Even he could tell that the supreme leader didn’t want him to ask about the names. At least, not now. Besides, he was right. They didn’t have much time. He could just ask Ouma about it later. Without further ado, he resumed his task of laying out the gifts while Ouma handled eating the treats left by the children since Kiibo was unable to do so himself. Once they finished, they left the orphanage as silently as they had entered.

Seeing his companion’s genuine smile stopped the android from asking his question. Ouma won’t be able to make fun of him for not being able to read the mood now. Without really thinking, he grabbed the supreme leader’s hand and smiled. “Let’s go back.”

Ouma’s eyes widened in surprise at the sudden gesture, but didn’t pull his hand away. His cheeks were flushed red from the cold. The cold. Definitely not because he was embarrassed or anything. “Carry me.”

“I believe we already established that I do not have the strength for that.”

“Tch. Laaaaaame-o!”

They were already too used to their bickering that they found themselves laughing afterwards.

                            ———————————————————-

They visited the orphanage together the day after. It was then did Kiibo discover that Ouma regularly dropped by this orphanage to play with the children. Everyone there was delighted to have them visit the children, although they didn’t expect to meet an actual robot of all things. The children happily regarded the two Ultimates, showing off the new gifts Santa gave them. Ouma and Kiibo shared a look with each other and smiled to themselves.

[the-stick-scribblers]

The Womb

Crime is up five hundred percent since the Academy opened The Womb.

Twenty years ago, some newish academics who were still in their first century and therefore still hopeful, published a groundbreaking study on crime. They said the problem was simple: people committed crimes because somewhere in their past or current reality, they lacked security and love. Becoming a criminal was simply a call for help, too late. That part wasn't groundbreaking, but it bore repeating (and repeating, and repeating - hit the boring nail on the head, they did). Here's the important bit: they then asked what would happen if criminals could return to their childhoods and start from scratch, supported by the state? The ultimate rehabilitation program? 

Instead of prisons, they imagined a system of homes with specially trained and vetted "parents" to provide love; instead of cells, there would be small rooms they called nurseries filled with safely approved enrichment toys and lots of soft things for squeezing; there would still be community service opportunities and classes and career preparation, but capital punishment was firmly nixed.

It hinged on some pretty wild de-aging technology, but once they'd made the proposal it was only a couple of years before the tech caught up and then it was all hands-on deck "for the future of all children" and other such meaningless shit. There were some modifications - the cells are simply called rooms instead of nurseries, for example - but when they rolled out The Womb it was pretty much as presented.

Let's say you commit a crime. It's a little one, like maybe you didn't pay a traffic ticket, or some dick egged your apartment and you told them where they could shove it in front of the wrong soccer mom. The judge says hey, okay, that wasn't very good. But it was probably just a little lesson you forgot to learn along the way that led you to your Mistake, so you're sentenced to be de-aged a year and you're given a counselor who's supposed to help guide you onto a better path this time around.

But let's say the crime is bigger. You threw a major party and then drove drunk and high on heroin and ran over someone's dog. You commit armed robbery. Someone got seriously hurt, repeatedly. A guidance counselor for a year isn't going to cut it, so that's when the jury steps in and tries to figure out where your life went wrong. Was it at sixteen the first time you shoplifted and got away with it? At ten, when your teacher told you your work would never be any good? At eight, when your mom started working three jobs because she was suddenly raising you alone? And then you get zapped back to the pivotal age and placed in The Womb so you can be Reborn.

Somehow in all their planning the academics and the politicians forgot to bank on the allure of avoiding all those five hundred-year-old wrinkles and arthritis for a couple hundred extra years. Most people when they hit four hundred rob a bank at fake-gunpoint. That's the biggest crime that's least likely to get them killed rather than de-aged. That, or they get involved in some sort of tax fraud scheme. What's losing access to a couple million when you're going to die soon anyway? A second chance at life has got to be worth at least that.

The worst offenders get de-aged all the way back to babies, but that doesn't happen very often. It can seriously shorten your life if you end up a repeat offender, and anyway raising babies is more resource-intensive than the other kids. You have to kill a whole lot of people in a whole lot of lives to make it worth the parents' time.

The years you de-age get borrowed off the end of your life. As long as you avoid any more Mistakes, you get those years back and get to live out your original life span in full, with the bonus of a second childhood thrown in. But if you make another Mistake, you lose them forever, and have to live with it. That's how come I've only got two years left to take over the world.

I have been twelve years-old seven times. The last time I was Reborn, I'd made it all the way to age three hundred and fifty before I made another Mistake.

"You gonna eat that?"

We Reborn may have to use our manners, but for some reason the Womb Workers are exempt.

I sit up straight, elbows off the table, and look at my pudding. "My spoon is dirty."

They pick up the spoon, squint at it, rub it on their apron, then return it to the table. "You going to eat that now?"

The pudding looks delicious, actually, full of real chocolate shavings and cherry jam and cream liquor. If I let myself look at it any longer, I might cave. So I look at the Worker instead. They look like they could use some prune juice.

"This spoon is dirty. I would like a new spoon." 

The Worker opens their mouth, probably to tell me where I can shove the spoon, when Ren interrupts in a tiny voice, "You've got to say please."

This is Ren's second time Reborn. She's six years old now. When she was twenty-one she was sent back for planting an eco-bomb, and for again stealing an entire corporate farm when she was ninety. She's got an impressive file; we could be a good team eventually. I like her. But, regretfully, I no longer have the time.

"Please," I say, and smile real sweet.

The Worker takes the spoon from my hand with a measured precision that means they would much rather stab me with it, and give a little bow.

"Tell Jeremy he needs to pay more attention; the spoon was dirty!" I holler after them after they've passed into the kitchen, to everyone else at the table's disapproval.

Because this is my seventh time in The Womb, I've been placed in a high-security house, with experienced Grandparents rather than normal Parents and bars on all the windows under the cheerful blue and yellow curtains. I've also only got five siblings rather than the usual nine; Ren is the littlest, and Matthew is the oldest at seventeen. The rest of us hover around the dining room table in the throws of those terrible years right on the cusp of puberty, and we've all got the lanky self-awareness to match. Really, the jury should have forgiven me the second they realized my pivotal moment was at twelve, or at least written me off as a lost cause. What preteen doesn't want to take over the world? How was living through that desire again and again supposed to make me desire it any less? But we've established the establishment isn't very smart about the details of redemption. They just want to Save the Children, or at least look enough like they are to appeal to the constituents a couple times a year. Statistics to the contrary are handily swept aside as anti-love.

Everyone here has taken a wood chipper to someone else's moral fabric, most more than once. Even the Grandparents have been Reborn once each, although they won't tell me how come. Just that it's part of the job requirement, so they can relate to where we're at on our journeys or something disgustingly syrupy like that. I'll miss them the least.

The Womb Worker reappears at my left elbow. Another little bow, definitely sarcastic this time, and then they hold out a silvered fork. "Jeremy says all the spoons are dirty, but he offered an extra fork. The pudding is thick; this should serve just as well."

Finally. I accept the fork and dig in with an admirably restrained glee, I think. The pudding tastes sweeter knowing that it will be my last meal in this place.

Jeremy is old hat, been with the place since it opened basically, and is the only Worker authorized to visit every Home because he's worked his way up from day cook to Head of the Households. The first time I met him (on accident, during a poorly planned slip during my first sentence, involving a new bouquet of flowers every day until the home was buried in chrysanthemums and little baby's daisies and Womb Workers had to come and confiscate them all) he told me about his First Home, in Libya. It's taboo to talk about First Homes, not because it's illegal or anything or even really frowned upon. It just makes people sad. But Jeremy smiled as he told me about the fried dates and bsisa, the ironic wetlands and sprawling steppes and the big sky full of birds over everything all the time, the migrations. About the little lizards, the way they sashayed when he chased them down the streets. He made me forget almost everything and believe I'd grown up in Libya too. I volunteered for kitchen duty every night after in hopes he'd be that night's cook.

He climbed the ladder and I followed behind him to each new role, begging for stories about Libya, and about The Womb too, since he knows everything there is to know about it. Including, of course, how to get out. It wasn't hard to bribe him. Just two more rebirths of a little bit of smiling, a little bit of begging, and I've now had six life cycles to practice my hand at money laundering. Jeremy is four hundred and ninety-five this year. It's time for him to bail.

The pudding is gone too soon, and I lick my lips and immediately wish I had some Vasoline. They’re dry, and they sting. "I'm not feeling well. May I please be excused?"

Ren's tiny face looks doubtful and a couple of the other kids look intrigued, but Grandnanna is a warm, benevolent rock. "Do you need me to grab a basket?"

"I don't think so. I think I just need to lie down."

"Let me feel your head."

"It's my stomach," I protest, but go to her nonetheless. I'm up from the table, which means I'm almost in the clear.

She puts the back of her hand against my forehead and cheeks, then turns to rattle in the credenza behind her seat at the head of the table. "Richard, can you grab me the thermometer please? I forgot I moved it to the study when that cough went around last month."

"I'm kind of dizzy. I just want to lie down." I cross my arms and hunch my shoulders and do my best to turn excitement into flush agitation. Grandnanna (what a laugh; she's younger than me by a century, at least) purses her lips.

Then she steps back, and sighs. Good for her – she’s learned how to pick her battles. Probably why she’s still only been reborn once. "Grab a clean towel from the cupboard on your way up."

I finished my part of our plan this morning - digging out each of the security features in the home and bypassing them with a wire or a code I custom-wrote before my latest de-age debacle. The bars are just a formality now. But that's the most I could do on my own. It was up to Jeremy to arrange the rest - reaching out to my old contacts, setting up the weekend lecture series, making sure the Grandparents are out, finding a Sitter with enough moral ambiguity to agree to pack their overnight stuff in over-large luggage and to not ask questions. It was a lot of work, and he hasn’t said it but he’s going to negotiate for a better cut once we're free and clear. At least fifty percent. That's a cliché, but it’s fine. I can do those too. Not everyone makes it to five hundred. There won't be any questions when he’s never heard from again.

The corridor to my room is lined with photos doctored to look original, of the seven of us in this home, and each door has an initial painted in well-meaning green that comes off as military in the dim light. I dutifully grab a towel from the closet and go to my room, draping the towel over my pillow and curling up under the fluffy comforter. Once I bust out there will be no niceties, at least for a couple of months. Definitely no pudding. I close my eyes and sink into the bed. I dream myself a feast.

~D.E. Scevers

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #205

forget picking song lyrics, i’m going the hell to bed now.

Do you live by yourself? I live with my mom. Do you like cleaning? Does anyone???? Who is your favorite character from Harry Potter? I've never watched the series; not even a single movie, actually. So I don't have an opinion. Do you watch PewDiePie? Extremely rarely. He's funny, but I'm not interested in his channel's content anymore. Do you like "Despacito?" My sister showed it to me once when she learned I'd never heard it, and I found zero appeal in it whatsoever. Do you play Pokemon Go? It's a brilliant idea, and I really do wish I could play it, but here where I live, there are like ZERO PokeStops (where you get Pokeballs), even in cities, so it's pretty much impossible. Did you ever color your hair pink? No. Do you like Dr. Phil? I don't watch the show and don't know him as a person. Do you prefer to be inside or outside? Inside. Do you eat meat? Sadly. I'm HOPEFULLY quitting when I get to the weight I want; I wasn't getting the nutrients I needed when I was vegetarian to where my body was desperately clinging to what it had or something like that (basically, my weight wouldn't budge in a couple of months), but even still, I don't know if I could do it without depriving myself again. I'm just such a picky eater. Do you need to do the dishes? Yeah. Not desperately, but. Are you scared of clowns? No. Do you have any subscribers on YouTube? *checks* A very impressive 66. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. Do you salt your popcorn? Yes. Do you like McDonald's? Don't even lie to me, you'll eat there. I don't mind it at all. Do you have a Steam account? Yes. Do you like gaming? Not as much as I used to, but yes. Have you ever played Five Nights at Freddy’s? No. I don't consider jumpscares to be genuinely "scary," but rather a natural reaction to surprise, but FNAF's are intense, and I know they'd have me jumping like crazy. That aside, the games aren't of my personal appeal to actually play (though it's a fun game to watch). Do you like horror movies? Yes. Do you like chicken nuggets? I love me my chicken nuggies hunty. Have you ever tried Akinator? Yes. Can you twerk? I don't know and don't care to. Do you like dabbing? It looks stupid to me. The meme of it makes me laugh, though. What was the last country you visited? I've never left the country. Do you know your phone number? No, actually. It is incredibly difficult for me to memorize sequences, and besides, it's not like I give out my number almost ever. Do you swear in front of children? No. What’s your opinion on Brexit? Shit, I don't even remember what it's about. So obviously I can't have an opinion. It doesn't affect me, anyway. If you want children, what are some of your reasons for wanting them? N/A When you cook a dish that has beans in it, do you prefer to use canned or dry beans? I don't cook, and you'll never see me willingly eat a bean. What were some fun experiments you did in science class as a kid? The two that sharply stand out to me are dissecting an owl pellet in elementary and a frog in middle school. Both were SO cool. What was the last strong emotion you felt? Excitement. After finishing a bowl of cereal, do you drink the leftover milk? Only ever if it's Cinnamon Toast Crunch that I ate. And even then, only sometimes. Do you use dry shampoo between washes? No. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done? Overdosing. What’s the most severe allergic reaction you’ve ever had to something? Nothing severe, besides pollen allergies flaring up. What’s your favorite sub-genre of rock? Hard. Who was the last person to get frustrated with you, and why? Mom, but she was more than frustrated. We were having a serious fight about her attitude towards Dad and his wife. What’s something that makes absolutely zero sense to you? Anti-vax shitlords. What’s your phone background? Lock screen is Darkiplier, home screen is Sara kissing my forehead. :'> Have you ever lived with someone you didn’t get along with? No. Do you have a fitness tracker? No. What types of animals have you had as pets? A billion cats, dogs, snakes, lizards, rats, gerbils, guinea pigs, rabbits, fish, box turtles, hermit crabs... and probably more. How well do you understand economics? Have you ever taken an econ class? Not well at ALL. I had one my senior year. What was the last fruit you ate? I had two bites out of a watermelon 'cuz I was really hungry, but we didn't really have anything as a snack. (I fast daily, so I have to watch when my meals are.) I'm not a big watermelon fan, but I hadn't tried these cubes before, and at least it was something. Can you remember your first day of school? I believe I can very faintly... very faintly. I think I had a complete breakdown because of my insane separation anxiety regarding my mom, or it was the complete opposite... alskdfjaweiajr it's like I can kinda see it in the back of my head, but it's super blurry. What’s your favorite movie? The Lion King. It was my favorite as a kid and became so again as an adult just truly acknowledging how damn good and meaningful it is. Plus the soundtrack was a banger. Would you rather jump out of an airplane or go scuba diving? Scuba diving. Do you get bored looking at other peoples’ holiday pictures? Eh. If it's a whole lot, yes, but as a photographer, I enjoy noting which ones I like and why I favor them. Do you give money to charity? Not currently, no. I have no money to give. When I do have a paying job, I plan on definitely donating any time Mark does a charity stream. Are you more into music or movies? Music, easily. When was the last time you went to a swimming pool? WOW. It's been years. Either when I still lived in the apartment or once at Colleen's in-laws', I can't remember which was last. Would you rather have a pet snake or a pet turtle? I have a snake, and I'll take another for sure. Have you ever seen a band live? Who was the last you saw? Just Alice Cooper. Ma and I are seeing Ozzy next year (if the poor man ain't dead), tho!!!! And he's gonna be with Judas Priest and Megadeth. We are NOT going to survive. Do people who use massive amounts of emoticons annoy you? Yes. Emojis, more specifically. If you're writing a sentence and you use an emoji after each and every goddamn word, it drives me up a wall. What was the last clothing item you bought? Underwear, I believe? Or a bra? What does your washing powder smell like? Idk. Normal? Do you have a dishwasher or do you do dishes by hand? By hand, which I cannot explain how much I loathe. It feels disgusting. Are there any cobwebs in your room? I don't believe so, no. Have you ever used a pick-up line and had it work? Ew, I'd never use one to begin with. Have you ever entered a modelling competition? Would you? No to both. The current modelling industry is so, so harmful. Did you keep any drawings/stories from when you were younger? Like around two years ago, I remember going on a mass destruction episode of those super old things, as they embarrassed me horribly, even though I know it had no real reason. Just everything I create embarrasses me. My mom has old school stuff, though. Who did you last have an argument with? Mom today. When was the last time you cooked for yourself? If you include putting things in the microwave with few steps... not that long ago. Maybe two days back. Do you have a safe? Mom does. When was the last time you saw a relative? Mooonths ago when Grammy and her husband were driving through. My brother and his son are visiting real soon, though!! Do you shout out the answers at quiz shows? Yes, lol. Have you ever been in a TV audience? I've been to like three-four hockey games, so yeah. Have you ever entered the lottery? Won anything? No. Well, Mom or Dad would rarely get those scratch-off tickets at random, but the most we've ever got was just like five bucks or so. Do you prefer crosswords or word searches? Word searches. Have you ever drawn on a wall in your house? No. Do you like making collages? No. Have you ever kept a scrapbook? Yeah. What’s your favorite video-game? Silent Hill 2 and Shadow of the Colossus. Sigh, I want a PS4 SO bad to get the SotC remaster. I actually teared up when I saw the opening cutscene for the first time, and I just marveled through the EEEEEEENNNNtire playthrough I watched. It's unbelievable. Do you remember any inside jokes from childhood? Not off the top of my head. I'm tired, don't make me think. Have you ever made up a word? Well, as a writer, I've made up names and places. A word itself, I don't think so. Do you get nervous speaking to people you don’t know on the phone? VERY!!!!!!!! Are you scared of anything irrational? You mean like, half my fears? Do you have a passport? What’s the picture like? No. Have you ever had a full fringe? (bangs) As a kid I did. Is there anything you would never admit to liking? Don't think so. What’s the weirdest craze you can remember? Fidget spinners. Do you use bug spray or fly swatters? Fly swatters. Then we also have this hanging cylindrical sticky... thing that flies and gnats are apparently attracted to with the smell, I guess. Works like magic, though I agree it's pretty cruel. Just stuck there until you die. Are you a clumsy person? Boy, am I. Do you have tiled floors in your house? In three rooms. Do you listen to any movie soundtracks regularly? No. Do you bruise easily? Way too easily. Like normally something simple won't leave behind an obvious one, but even a normal poke in the arm hurts a lot and leaves the spot sore for a good while. I was tested for anemia, but apparently, I don't have it. What would you love to learn to do? Play the electric guitar. Do you prefer monkeys or lemurs? Ehhh... lemurs as far as cute goes, monkeys overall. Do you watch movies based on the actors or the movie plot? The plot. Do you have any phone charms on your mobile? No. What is your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? That's a big 'ole honkin' nope. Last time you puked from drinking? Never. Have you ever gotten drunk and danced on a bar? No. What is your favorite simple ice-cream flavor? Vanilla. Though sometimes I prefer chocolate. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages? Only for dinner. I forgot the science behind it, but one of my meds for bipolarity only works to its full effect after ingesting at least 350 calories; I only get about a 20% effectiveness of the medicine when eating less. I know it sounds weird, but my psychiatrist is a goddamn genius, and I trust every word that comes out of his mouth. When was the last time you slept on the floor? Two years ago when I was living with Colleen and I didn't have a blow-up mattress yet. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? When???????????????? do I?????????????? not???????????????????????????????????? Do you wear flip-flops? That's pretty much all I wear just about year-round... I remember in 7th grade, one of my teachers asked me about it a lot and I just told her I didn't mind the cold, which was true. Pretty sure she thought I was lying and was too poor to buy new clothes or something, as she gifted me socks one day, which I thought was incredibly sweet. I miss my 7th grade teachers. Best school year. Who was the last person to kiss you on the cheek? Pretty sure my niece Aubree when saying bye. What is your favorite sauce to eat with spaghetti? Normal Prego sauce, I think. Have you ever seen a magic show? A little one as a kid. When was the last time you vomited and why? Months and months ago when I was testing a medication. Quit that shit real fast, as it made me sick so many times. Where do you usually sit when you eat dinner? Uhhh I eat in my bed usually, lmao. We almost never sit at the table. I normally do if Mom's there, though. How often do you get headaches? Ugh, often. Why did you call the last person you called? I was calling back about my job application that I was supposed to hear about yesterday. How many windows are in the room you’re in? Two. Do you have Facebook friends that you’ve never actually met? Yes. When was the last time you had your photo taken professionally? Not since senior pictures, pretty sure. I hated how it came out. I have a lazy eye when I smile, gah. How long does it take you to get to school or work? Currently N/A. Let’s say you had a baby with the last person you kissed? We're both female, so. And neither of us want kids anyway. When was the last time you completely broke down? A couple weeks ago in a totally random and severe panic attack. Do you have someone you can spill your heart out to? Yeah. Is there a person that you would do absolutely anything and everything for? No. I'm not gonna, say, murder someone just because they want me to. What’s something you really want right now? To go and get my tattoo cleaned up by a more professional artist alsdkjfalwei. I got the approximate cost, I just have to wait until I can afford it. This tattoo is so so so important to me and it needs to be perfect. What is your relationship status? Taken. What was the longest time you’ve wasted on a certain person? Not even two weeks lmao. I said yes to dating mostly out of fear of hurting his feelings, and he QUICKLY proved he was NOT for me. Are you listening to music right now? Yeah, my iTunes is on shuffle. Anyone you would like to get things straight with? I wouldn't want to be friends I don't think, but I REALLY want to see Jason one final time to tell him how sorry I am. I recently acknowledged just how fucked up I treated him after the breakup; he wasn't the only one who made mistakes. I sure as hell did. He deserves to hear it badly. I do believe our last talk was a good ending, but I feel me finally admitting that I fucked up would be the perfect one. What was the best thing that happened to you today? Seeing Dad for his birthday. When was the last time you did something for the first time? I talk-talked to some WoW friends a couple days ago, though very very briefly. I couldn't figure Discord push-to-talk out and I ended up panicking lmao. What color are the last new pair of pants that you bought? Black. Is your room clean? I should dust and vacuum, but the latter doesn't currently work. List all the countries you’ve visited.  I've never left America. At what age would you allow your kids to dye their hair? Shit, whenever they wanted tbh. So long they sounded serious about it and it wasn't just a brief episode of "oh this would be cool." Which fast food place do you eat at the most? Hm. Wendy's or Sonic. When was the last time you weren’t lonely? Jesus fucking Christ, who knows. What kind of movies do you like? Horror, fantasy, Disney/kids' films, comedies, rom coms, and emotionally moving ones. Bats are not spooky or are they? They're adorable, omg. Do you think blue is a gay color? Fuck off. What's your opinion on gays? Fuck off harder. Do you like the song "Womanizer"? Don't even talk to me if you don't. Where is your favorite place to get fries? You can't live your fullest life without having Bojangle's fries at least once. Do you know anyone who was raised by their grandparents? Idk. Have you ever made your own pie from scratch? No. Who was the last person you had an in-depth conversation with? Sara. What was the last fast food item you ate? A hot dog. What is your favorite gaming console? You know PS2 was the best, you know it. What was the last major city you visited? Raleigh, if that even counts. Do you always have a stock of alcohol in your house? No. Have you ever had a pumpkin latte and if so, did you like it? I hate everything pumpkin-flavored. Is there an antique store in your town or city? I think so... Have you ever been to a baby shower? My sister's. Maybe others', but idr. Do you know anyone who has been to rehab? Pretty sure yes. How many romantic relationships have you been in so far? Genuinely "romantic" ones, two. Would you consider yourself to be a picky eater? I am 99% sure I am the pickiest human being to ever live. Have you ever lived in a house with a pool in the yard? Not a built-in one. What color is your toothbrush? Blue. Do you have gluten intolerance or know anyone who does? I know a few people. Have you ever slept in a car overnight? No. Have you ever fainted? Yes. Do you avoid conflict as much as possible? YUP. Do you like ice cream cake? I'm not a big fan. Have you ever made out with someone of the same sex? Yes. Where is your second home!? The place I'm second-most comfortable is probably Sara's. What song always makes you sad? I avoid listening to "The Mortician's Daughter" by Black Veil Brides unless I just really, really want to hear it. I always tear up due to memories. Have you ever played a game that required removing your clothes? No. Where is your favorite place to be kissed? Breasts and neck. Were you mean as a little kid? No. Who was the last person you hung out with? Dad. What is your mother’s name? Donna. What is your favorite song at the moment? I've been in true love with a heavy metal cover of "Invincible" from the WoW soundtrack for like a full month. What day will you never forget? The breakup night. Suicide attempt. My niece and nephew being born. Meeting Sara. Getting Teddy. First time hanging out at Jason's. 16th birthday. Alice Cooper concert. Putting Dale and Cali down. There's a lot. What was the last thing you took a picture of? Some crazy shit on FB to show Sara. Something you're looking forward to? Getting a goddamn job. What is God teaching you right now? Lul. What does Notre Dame Cathedral mean to you, and how has its fire affected you? I was devastated to hear about it; it was the one event that actually got me paying attention to the news. It is a monument of incredible art and history, and for Catholics, a house of their god. I am so thankful the damage wasn't too tremendous. What’s the last dumb decision you made that you beat yourself up over? I dunno. Surprisingly. What’s your favorite version of the Bible to read? N/A If applicable, do you underline verses in your Bible? N/A When was the last time you went to church? Not since Colleen had her extreme Christian phase two years ago. What’s the last song you listened to on repeat? "Radio" by Rammstein. That new album's gonna be bangin'. Does your town’s hospital have a good reputation? NOPE. It sure does not. I have no issue with the psychiatric care unit there, though. Every time I went to the ER for suicidal thoughts or the attempt, they were sweethearts to me. But as far as physical health, they do NOT have a good rep. I know someone's grandfather that nearly fucking died thanks to them, and I can't recall what it was exactly, but Mom had some complaints during her kidney cancer treatment. What is your hometown known for? Crime. Are you longing for and missing a toxic person? I honestly miss Colleen sometimes, but I can't go back to her. I can't. I'm done giving her more chances than she deserves. It was nice to actually have someone to hang out with, but she is just overall not a pleasant person. What’s your greatest longing? Financial stability, probably. Have you ever read a Bible verse and thought, “this isn’t true”? BOY HOWDY- What are you behind on? Being an adult. I am 23 and a SOOOOOORRYYYYYY excuse for one. Is there someone who’s stolen from you and never got caught? Yes. Someone stole our basketball hoop from my childhood home. Have you been lonely for most of your life? Most of my life, no. What color is your sleeping bag? I don’t have one. When was the last time you used a sleeping bag, and what for? When I lived with Colleen and slept on the floor for a bit. Do you live near the woods? Yeah, there's woods across the road. What do you want to be for Halloween this year? List 1-3 ideas. I wanna be the dumb blonde witch from Hocus Pocus, lmao. A pastel vampire would be pretty cool. And Rhett from the "Sleep Tight" video has instilled in me the great desire to be a steampunk toothfairy at least once. List five things people have been jealous of you for. Idk. List five things you have felt jealous of other people for. More than anyone, a friend of many friends' photography success when I can genuinely and modestly say I really think I'm better than her. That is easily the worst envy situation I've dealt with (and still do), as this is the one that is actually almost spiteful, wrong as that is. Then I have another friend who is a FANTASTIC photographer as well and is now a professional one in the fashion industry, I believe. Then there was a girl I went to school with called Cailin whose drawing skills were naturally INCREDIBLE since elementary school, and I remember back then, me and her would always get the most attention for our work, but she did moreso, but I wanted to be the "best" artist. Once I hit high school I just had great respect for her talent. Next, one of my former best friends Hannia was a natural GENIUS that got perfect scores on LITERALLY almost anything; she had the highest GPA in the entire school, while I was right behind her. And uhhhh five... I have been and still am jealous of my sisters for being proper, successful adults. What is your favorite shade of brown? Like a caramel tone, I guess? What color is your toilet seat? White. Would you rather live in an apartment or a house? Definitely a house. What’s one thing you had growing up that you miss now? Energy. Do you prefer kale, lettuce, or spinach? Lettuce. Do you listen to instrumental bands such as Hammock, Trentemoller, etc.? No. Have you ever gotten a manicure or pedicure? Just because my sisters went and Mom wanted me to hang out with them. I may have with my old friend, too. Have you ever self-harmed? Yeah. Never the answer. Do you have any eating disorders? No. I'm afraid of developing one once I (hopefully) get to the weight I want, though. Have you ever met a celebrity? No. Do you like Monster Energy or do you prefer other energy drinks? I hate energy drinks. They taste like poison. Do you plan on getting married? Yeah. Do you want kids? That's a big fat nope. What’s your sexual orientation? I don’t judge. Bisexual. At what time of day do you normally feel the best? The morning. Name one reason why someone should not commit suicide. YOU. CAN. GET. BETTER. Seek professional help if you feel suicidal, and after what I understand is a serious struggle, you truly can go into the light at the end of the tunnel. You've got, to our understanding, one shot at this. Don't end it when there is a possibility for a beautiful future. If you’re unhappy, what would it take to make you fulfilled? Have a job and be in school. Name someone you know who is a cancer survivor. My mom. Are you friends with any cancer survivors? I don't think so. Do you wish the sunrise and sunset lasted longer? Hm. Sunset, maybe. Idk. Name a country whose history you know nothing about. Lmao most. What is your favorite store at the mall? Hot Topic. Do you have a bed or do you sleep on a mattress on the floor? I have a bed. When was the last time you went for a run? Shit, not since high school gym. Do you keep Christmas lights up year-round? No. What did you win a scholarship for? Nowhere. What type of bug do you see the most often in your home? Flies. Do you put off things until the last minute? I tend to. Is your mom the same size as you? No, I'm smaller. Do you know any Christians who aren’t judgmental? No shit. Do you still think of that Gwen Stefani song when you spell bananas? Ha ha yup. Do you like the way your hair naturally is, or do you change it? It's fine. But I want it dyed badly. Do you know anyone who died accidentally by doing something stupid? Yes. How many different languages have you taken in school? Latin and German. How tall is your father? (Estimate?) Idk. Over six feet. Would you meet Miley Cyrus if you had the chance? No. What is your favorite slow song? Oh yeesh. Idk. Maybe "See You On The Other Side" by Ozzy. Do you believe in karma? No. Do you constantly check your cell phone? No. Only Sara or Mom ever text me, and I pick it up just if the green light is blinking (means I have a message). If there were aliens on earth, would you be afraid? Well yeah. If you could spend 1 hour 20 years in the future, would you? Yes. I want to see where I am, so long as I can change my behavior to improve that future if needed. Otherwise, I don't wanna know. Are your pets asleep? Teddy probably is, Bentley might be, idk where Roman is, but he likely is, I can't see Mitsu from where I am currently, Venus may be (no eyelids, so you never know) as she's in her rock, and Kaiju is awake. Have you ever wished you were an only child? Never. Have you ever hurt someone on purpose? Yes. Have you ever gotten hurt while sledding? No. Do you enjoy going through old pictures? It depends on the subject of them and my mental state. Kid pictures I'm always up for, high school ones are okay, though they can make me really upset with how healthy and skinny I was, and I deleted all photos I had on Facebook of Jason and me last year so I couldn't even risk looking at them ever again, as there's a good chance some would trigger my PTSD. Of all your exes, who do you think you had the deepest feelings for? Jason, obviously. Do you tend to have a lot of drama in your life? I have the most uneventful, bland life. No. When’s the last time someone was disappointed in you? Idk. What song are you listening to right now? Is this one of your favorite songs? "Alone I Break" by Korn. No, but I love it. What is something you have to explain a lot? My sweating issue. Gross to talk about, but I sweat seriously excessively, like you would not believe. It can be 70 degrees and I'll be sweating in seconds. People worry about it, and in VR, I've had to explain it so many times due to it affecting suitable jobs (I think we can all agree being drenched in sweat at work looks extremely bad). Hopefully I won't have to anymore when my doctor decides what to do about it. It's most likely a thyroid issue, which I have no clue about how to subdue symptoms of. There's really a shitload I have to explain lately between doctors and VR... Which compliment do you receive the most? From those that know me/see me, that I'm losing weight. From people in general, "I love your hair" or something like that. Who were you last on the phone with? My sister. What is one thing you have always wondered? Uh. Idk. I'm sure there's a lot, just nothing's coming to me atm... What do your friends think about the music you listen to? Your family? My friends and I like similar stuff, as do my parents, especially Mom. My sisters are the total opposite of me and don't enjoy metal and the like at all. Has anyone ever told you to grow up? Essentially. Do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people? Hell no. How many true friends do you have? Excluding family and my girlfriend as they're more than that, like... one or two, it feels like most of the time. Can you honestly say you’re happy right now? No. What is something you are exceptionally bad at? Doing math in my head or spelling up there. AND READING LIPS. Do you have a house phone? No. Who do you love more than anyone right now? Don't make me choose between Mom and Sara. How much money do you have saved up? I literally have $11. Do you like bright/neon colors? Yes, but I prefer pastel. What is your favorite wild animal? Meerkats. Do you ever eat breakfast? I almost always do. Do you remember who your first grade teacher was? Yes. Have you ever won any trophies? What for? Yeah, for A honor roll all through elementary school (save for 5th grade; I got one B and was so upset, lmao), then in all kid sports I played, everyone got lil ones, some from dance I believe, and I think there's one or two others I'm not thinking of...

[icebirdsmateforlife]

reach for the sky (part 4)

Sid works a shitty job and uses his free time to put workout videos on the internet. Geno does the same, from the other side of the world.

A/N: You guys! I am SO SO SORRY for the long wait!! But here it is: Part 4! Things have calmed down around here too, and my motivation is back as well. So there will not be such a long wait for part 5, I can promise you that. Thanks so much to @sheepassisted for all the brainstorming and support and ideas. Thank you to all of you who are still here. Love you all! <3

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4:

“So, I’ve been thinking we should get everyone together for hockey again next weekend,” Sid says, as soon as he and Kris have sat down for breakfast at the little coffee shop just around the corner from the gym. “It’s been a while.”

“Yeah,” Kris agrees. “That would be great.”

“So you have time?”

Kris shrugs. “I’ll make time if I haven’t. But I think I can do all day Saturday, and on Sunday we just have dinner plans, so yeah. Whenever the others can do it is good with me.”

“Awesome.” Sid can’t hold back the delighted grin. He misses the ice every time he’s away from it for too long. “Do you know when we could have the rink?” Since Kris teaches a few skating classes a week, he usually has a schedule for the rink memorised, and he doesn’t disappoint this time either.

“Saturday 1pm until 3, or Sunday all morning. Figure skating class is cancelled because the coach sprained his ankle.”

“Sunday,” Sid says immediately, and Kris grins.

“Because it’s free for more hours on Sunday, right?”

“Of course.” Sid has no trouble admitting that. “Hey, I got a commenter on one of my videos who also likes hockey,” he says. Because dammit, he has to talk about Evgeni. He’s all he can think about anymore.

“Oh!” Kris seems pleased. “Does he live in the area? Does he maybe want to join us?”

“No.” Sid shakes his head. “He lives in Russia. But he coaches children there.”

“That’s pretty cool,” Kris says, and Sid agrees. Everything about Evgeni is pretty cool, really.

**

Sid comes home that day to an email that simply says “I have surprise,” followed by a YouTube link.

He toes off his shoes by the door, hangs up his jacket, and then sits down on his lumpy old couch, grabbing his laptop off the coffee table. His phone isn’t always super reliable about showing videos.

The link goes to a video on Evgeni’s channel, just over five minutes, and Sid hits play, curious to see what the big surprise could be.

Evgeni is waving into the camera, looking friendly as he does in all of his videos, but also a little shy.

“Hi,” he says, “my name Evgeni and I make this video for my friend Sid, because he not understand Russian.”

Sid feels his breath stop, and he absolutely cannot control the stupid grin that’s spreading across his face.

“Sorry English not good,” Evgeni continues. “But I make this challenge for me to practice. I upload video again with also Russian language, so no worry if you not speak English. I make short video for this, I’m think we do five minute squats today. Let’s go.”

Sid watches the entire video with the biggest smile on his face, listening to Evgeni’s broken English leading his viewers through five minutes of different variations of squats, and he is so impressed and so delighted he almost forgets to stare longingly at Evgeni’s impressive thighs. Almost.

“Thank you for watching,” Evgeni says after the five minutes are up. “Maybe this is not easy for you in beginning, but try this few time during week and it get more easy. If it get too easy, do video twice, or write me and ask for new video. Thank you.”

He smiles into the camera before the video cuts off, and Sid wastes absolutely no time opening up the email again and hitting reply.

“Evgeni!” he writes. “That was amazing! I’m so proud of you, that was such a brave thing to do. It’s a very nice workout that I’m sure people will like, and your English is so good!”

It’s almost like Evgeni has been waiting for Sid’s reply, because he answers within two minutes.

“I’m glad you like,” he writes. “Very nervous. I write down all text and read until I think I remember everything. I know it not sound good, but I like practice.”

Sid shakes his head as he types out his reply. “What are you talking about, your English sounds fine! Believe me, my French does not sound that good.”

“Thank you,” Evgeni writes. “Is not easy for me to practice here. No one who speak English with me. I’m so happy you like video.”

Sid doesn’t even think about it before he replies. Evgeni was so brave, he can be brave too. “If you want to, we could talk on Skype sometimes. So you could practice speaking. If you think that would help.”

“You mean this?” Evgeni writes back. “I think this very nice idea. It will help me.”

“Of course I mean it,” Sid answers, and adds his Skype handle to the email, followed by, “Let me know when it works best for you and we’ll figure out a time.”

Evgeni replies with his own Skype handle immediately, and then a minute later with “When you work tomorrow? I have all evening free.”

Sid thinks about it. He’s only working a half day tomorrow since he took over that shift for a coworker. If he skips the gym after work and goes later in the afternoon instead… “I could do 10pm your time,” he says. “If that isn’t too late for you.”

“That is perfect,” Evgeni replies, and Sid has to stop himself from squealing. He has a Skype date...well, not date. But he has an appointment to talk with Evgeni face to face. Tomorrow. He’s nervous, but more than that, he’s really, really excited.

***

He hurries home after his shift, not even taking the time to stop by the bakery. He still has cold pizza in the fridge for later. That’s good enough. He doesn’t want to make Evgeni wait.

He's a full half hour early when he boots up his laptop and logs onto Skype, but he is so excited and nervous his hands are shaking and he has to remind himself to take a few deep breaths and stop worrying. His palms are sweaty and he rubs them up and down his thighs over the rough fabric of his jeans. He's going to talk to Evgeni. After all those messages and emails, he's really going to talk to Evgeni.

Evgeni, who made him a video in English. Who wrote him that first message and started all of this and Sid is...he's just so nervous. Talking to people isn't really hard for him. He has a lot of friends. He gets along with everyone at work and always stops to chat with the people working at the local rink whenever he and his friends go to play hockey there. He likes people. It's just that he likes Evgeni in particular and he wants so much to make a good impression, as ridiculous as that may sound after all those messages they have already exchanged. Evgeni knows things about him that Sid needed months to tell Flower and Kris. It’s not like they’re strangers.

He contemplates getting up from the couch again to get himself a glass of water or something, but his phone buzzes with a message just then. It's an email. From Evgeni.

“Have time now,” it says. “You say when ready and we can speak.”

Sid hits reply. “I'm actually back early,” he says. “So. I guess I'm ready.” That last part, he thinks, is kind of a lie. He is very much not ready. But if he backs out now, he may never have the courage to ask Evgeni for another Skype...date. Appointment. Date. Whatever.

Evgeni calls him on Skype and Sid answers and there is Evgeni's lovely face right there on his laptop screen and Sid feels his heart stutter in his chest. “Hi,” he says. He feels a little ridiculous, getting all fluttery and nervous like this, but he just can’t help it.

“Hi,” Evgeni replies, and his voice is even better than it is in his videos.

Neither of them know what to say for a moment, and Sid bites his lip and fights the blush rising high on his cheeks. “It's really nice to see you,” he manages finally.

“Yes,” Evgeni says. “Is nice for me too. I'm glad – glad we speak.”

“You sound really good in English,” Sid tells him, and Evgeni laughs.

“Accent worst.”

“It is not,” Sid argues. “You should hear my French!”

“We speak, my English get better,” Evgeni says. “You teach me.”

“Of course,” Sid promises him. “But really, Evgeni. You sound really good already.”

“Zhenya,” Evgeni says, and Sid pauses.

“Sorry?”

“Zhenya,” Evgeni repeats, and then adds, “Is name. Um...For me. Like...you can call me. Name for Evgeni for good friend – Zhenya.”

“Oh,” Sid says. “Okay. Yeah. Zh-Zhenya?” He tries, and Evgeni smiles.

“Good, yes,” he says. “Is more easy, not so long name.”

Sid doesn't think it's easier to pronounce at all, but he's just going to avoid saying it as much as he can this time, and practice it later in private so he can have it down perfectly the next time they speak. “I'd offer you a nickname for me too, but Sid already is short for Sidney, so. It doesn't get any shorter than that, I guess.”

Zhenya laughs. He has a nice laugh. “Is good name,” he says. “Sid. I like.”

“It's okay,” Sid admits. He's honestly never given it that much thought. “Evgeni is a much more beautiful name, I think. And so is Zhenya.”

Zhenya looks happy. “You like?”

“Yeah,” Sid says, and it's the truth. He likes the sound of it. Of both names. There's something so pretty about them. “I think your whole language is beautiful.”

Zhenya rewards him with a wide smile and a sentence in Russian, and Sid smiles back. “What did you say?”

“I say Russia best, and one day I teach you maybe little bit in Russian. And then we can speak sometimes Russian too.”

Sid grins. “I'd like that,” he says. “That sounds great.”

They just smile at each other for a long moment and Sid feels something warm rise in his chest, something...comfortable. He can't remember what he was so nervous about earlier. Talking to Evgeni – Zhenya – is easy. It's fun. He thinks he could talk to him for hours and still want more. This feels no different than those messages they exchanged before.

“I teach you some words from sport first. Is how I start English. Is like when you learn words you are...interesting?”

“Interested,” Sid helps him, and Zhenya nods.

“Yes. When you interested, is easier for learning.”

“I guess that's true,” Sid says. “So what's hockey in Russian?”

Zhenya grins. “This is easy for you,” he says. “Khokkey.”

“Oh.” Sid laughs. “Yeah, no, I think I'll be able to remember that. What's puck?”

“Shayba,” Zhenya says, and Sid grimaces.

“Okay, I might forget that one again.”

“Is okay,” Zhenya says. “But you make start. You know two words now. We practice little bit more next time.”

“Yes, okay. That sounds good.” Sid tries not to grin too widely at the promise of a next time. “I promise to practice my two words until then.”

“Good.” Zhenya nods. “I'm practice more English too.”

“No, but seriously,” Sid tells him. “Your English is really good. Like, really good. It's impressive.”

Zhenya looks happy at the praise. “I'm watch very much video in English. Sometime talk, um, with me? Alone? When no one home. For practice.”

“That's awesome,” Sid says. “I should have done that with French. Maybe my friends wouldn't laugh at me so much now when I try it.”

Zhenya frowns. “Friends laugh?”

Sid quickly shakes his head. “Oh, not like that. I laugh at them, too, all the time. It's just kind of how we are with each other. They're all really great, though. I love them.”

“Is good to have friends,” Zhenya says. “Is good when you can make fun.”

“Yes,” Sid agrees.

“Is good that you my friend now.” Zhenya's smile is a little shy, and Sid feels a surge of affection for him.

“I'm really glad you wrote me that first message,” he says. “I'm glad we're friends, too.”

“When I'm come to Canada, maybe I meet your friends someday,” Zhenya asks, and Sid nods.

“For sure. You could come play hockey with us.”

Zhenya pauses. “Is one reason I'm practice so much my English. I dream maybe one day come there and work?”

“You want to find a job in Canada?” Sid asks, and he feels excitement bubbling up again even if he knows that it's rather unlikely that it would happen at all and even more unlikely that Zhenya would end up anywhere close to him. But still. That would simply be amazing, not just meeting him in person, but being able to keep him here.

“Is my dream,” Zhenya says, and Sid smiles.

“If I hear of anything around here that you could go for, I'll let you know for sure,” he says.

“Thank you,” Zhenya says. “Of course dream will be so much better if I’m live in your town.”

“Yeah,” Sid agrees. “That would be so awesome.”

For a moment they just smile at each other, and Sid wonders when the last time was he smiled this much. Probably during the last hockey game with his friends. Or over the weekend when David was visiting him. Zhenya just makes him feel like smiling, and he doesn't even want to analyse that feeling too much, but he likes it. A lot.

“So, how's your work in Russia right now, though?” Sid asks, mostly to break the silence before it even has a chance to become uncomfortable. “The coaching, I mean. How's that going?”

Zhena's eyes light up and he launches into a long recap of today's practice and how well those kids are doing and how great it is to see them grow and develop and know he helped them get there. Sid has a little trouble keeping up sometimes with Zhenya mixing up his words or being creative with his grammar, but he gets the gist of it and he can't stop being impressed with Zhenya.

By the time they're done talking about hockey, Zhenya's voice is starting to go a little hoarse from all the taking and when Sid looks at the time it's already a quarter past three.

“We talked for almost one and a half hours,” he says, surprised. It hadn't seemed that long to him at all.

Zhenya checks his watch and looks as surprised as Sid feels. “Yes, long time,” he says. “I don't think is that long when we speak. Is so much fun to talk with you.”

“I had a lot of fun talking with you, too,” Sid tells him honestly. “We should do this again. Soon.”

“Tomorrow?” Zhenya asks. “I can do same time.”

“Oh,” Sid says. “I can’t. I’m working. But not until 10am, so I guess...that would be, like, 6pm for you? So, I don’t know, when you are home?”

“I’m home at quarter past five,” Zhenya says. “And then home all evening. No practice tomorrow with kids.”

Sid does quick maths in his head, calculating the time difference. “So we could do half an hour at least,” he says. “If that’s okay?”

“That is okay,” Zhenya says, and Sid grins at him happily.

“Cool,” he says. “I’m looking forward to it!”

“Good.” Zhenya grins back at him. “I will talk to you tomorrow, Sid.”

“Yeah, talk tomorrow,” Sid says.

“Good night,” Zhenya tells him, then blushes. “Later, of course. Good night later. Is not night for you now.”

Sid waves at the camera like a giant dork. “Not yet, but yeah time zones are weird.” he says. “Sleep well!”

“I will,” Zhenya promises, and they need almost another minute to say a proper goodbye until finally Sid manages to make himself end the call.

He feels...he feels almost the same way he does after spending an entire afternoon on the ice. Happy and content and like he's done something actually worth his time.

He is so looking forward to tomorrow, and to speaking to Zhenya again.

[tiadash]

You and I

  Somethings I need to clarify before you start reading,this fanfic is based of the children's song :

Vrapcici-Ti i Ja

,it's a Russerb based fanfic(Russia x fem.Serbia) ,let me clarify i'm not Russian so the sentences might be wrong,but I tried my best to accurately translate them. The picture was drawn by my good friend @chick-hicks ,and thanks for my friend @ask-aph-kosovo

-thank you both so much,go check out their blogs!.

The characters(by name):

Ivan/Mr.Braginsky  -Russia

Vesna- Serbia

Ms.Irina - Ukraine

And lastly ,I suggest listening to this while you read :

Vrapčići - Ti i ja (karaoke)

Hope ya`ll enjoy!

____

School is a really interesting place when you think about it,you start of as everyone else does,at the beginning you hardly do anything,but you do a lot of very important things without even realizing it,not academically, of course-you`re just a kid, but rather socially. Think about it,we all meet our best friends at school ,we all go around and play with other kids ,and some of us meet our first crushes.

*

When the school bell rings I `d be the first one at school I hurried out to see those two blue eyes And then on the other hand ,they are the professors and profs. Then on the seventh heaven there would be me

*

It`s Vesna`s first day of going to elementary school,she joined the first grade just like most of her peers and she was very exited about it.

Now she was a first grader,and was feeling pretty proud of herself ,her mom  braided her long brown hair, dressed her up all nice in a red shirt,a blue skirt and white shoes. The only thing bugging the little brunette that day was that she was running late for school,what a day to oversleep !

Vesna ran out of her house and grabbed her bag,almost tripping as she ran in a haste ,after running for 30 minutes and she finally got to her school. But,to Vesna`s frustration she wasn't sure where to go ,she even wasn't sure how she was going to explain this to her parents'

Mum is gonna kill me,oh no no no no...'

as she got in the school she ran around trying to find her class room. But as she finds out,luck was not on her side that day. While she was running around the halls, a group of six graders were smoking by the windows,next to a

don't smoke

sign . Vesna being too much in a panic and distracted didn'

t notice the small group.She ran straight into them ,realizing that she made a mistake.

Vesna tried to stop herself but before she could properly react she stumbled into a very tall ashen blond boy,making her fall down and making him turn around. Vesna almost began to cry out of fear as she apologized profusely "

I'

m so sowwy, I didn't mean to! Please don`t hu-'' but to her shock and unfinished please the older boy confusingly smiled at her and picked her up.

''

Oh,hello! Are you lost,little one? Don'

t be scared ,I won`t hurt you,my name is Ivan,do you want to be friends, yes?'' -he said it so casually that it made the other kids around him cringe,she wasn't the only kid who got offered that on the first day,already they felt sorry for the little clumsy girl. Vesna taken aback by his lack of anger, feeling relived immediately  Vesna happily beamed '' Um...Yes! I wanna be your fwend!''

When those words left her lips the older kids all boggled at her,even the older blond boy who was holding her small frame did a double-take after hearing her words . Ivan put Vesna down ,not really sure of what he just heard''

...You do?...''

he asked uncertainly ,unknown to her, this was the first time anyone answered

yes

to his question.

Vesna smiled brightly and answered with a sweetly childish voice'' Yes, bre ! I don`t have friends yet,but you`re nice and didn't yell at me! My name is Vesna!'' all the things she said made Ivan blush just out of pure shock,to his sudden embarrassment it didn't help that she was a child saying that to him,a teenager. A second didn't pass and already the other kids couldn't contain their laughter. ''

Kesesese~ Ivan's got a girlfriend!

'' one said ''

I didn't know you liked them young,dude!''

and''

Ohoho! This is interesting,no? '

'

Ivan just stood there ,a blushing mess, Vesna didn't understand their teases, she was looking at the older boy so much that she started smiling like duff ,but quickly her smile disappeared as she remembered why she was even running.

'' Oh I forgot! I`m late! ...Goodbye Ivan! '' she didn't waste a second as she was back to running through the halls ,leaving the group of six graders to tease their flustered friend eventually Vesna found her classroom . She didn't even realize the impact of her words,but how could she? She was just a kid.

*

All A's and C's B's or D's I would give everything to love and so much more But she teases me and looking at my friend and doesn't give me a dime of attention You and me, you and me we would be a real great pair you and me, you and me Look at me at least once

*

After that strange encounter a couple of months had past,but even still, Vesna could not stop thinking about the older boy.Every thought was about him,how he smiled ,how kind he was-Oh how she idolized him '...He is  ...so kind...so pretty... so very nice...' especially in class,who even needs to learn the alphabet while there are more important things to know? A little grin had formed on Vesna's lips. ' Like Ivan!' Well...Vesna's mother first of thought so '' Vesna ! You are in the first grade-Why are you bringing me D's and C's!?''but her shortly-lived  grin disappeared as she  was back explaining the situation to her mother. '' But mama....! You don't understand....I told you!-I don't need school! I'm in lov-''but her explanation was cut short as she saw her mother taking of her shoes,something she did when she was about to beat her with it” No boys until you graduate !You need to study! I don’t want to see these grades-Was I clear!?Vesna!’’ when the shoe had been taken off  Vesna sprinted back to her room,ignoring the loud protests coming from her mother. The very next day was special ,Vesna was planning on  confessing  her feelings to Ivan. She had asked her teacher Ms. Irina on how to impress Ivan,seeing as how so, her teacher was Ivan’s older sister,so she gave a lot of  supporting ideas . The little brunette had spent the whole class drawing a sunflower,at Ms.Irena’s suggestion and support ,Vesna had finally mustered up the courage to confess .

But she  was still very shy’’ What do I do?! Miss Irina said that he likes the Sun and sunflowers ...’’  Vesna thought as she was walking through the empty halls ,she glanced at her drawing. A big Sun and a smiling sunflower  in the middle,she even got a big gold star on the back by her teacher for it. She hid the work of art behind her back as she approached the small group of teenagers ,conveniently for her,at the same place she had encountered them on her first day , by the don’t smoke sign.  The group quickly noticed her and  were already giving her strange looks. Vesna’s heart pumped so much that she was beginning to think that this was a big  mistake ‘Where is he? I shouldn't have come I should have just studied like the others-’ but her  doubtful thoughts disappeared as soon as she recognized him,he was actually sticking out like a sore thumb in the crowd.

Vesna quickly puffed her chest and walked up to  him “ This is for you Ivan!’’ she extended her arms up and handed him her drawing. Ivan ,now extremely confused became just as much flustered when he saw what she had given him “Eh?!’’ on the top of the page were badly spelled words ‘ You and I would make a great pair’(written like this ‘You and I wood maiyk a greet pear’). Vesna was expecting Ivan to be happy and maybe even accept her confession but the moment the other kids started to laugh at him,especially at her was the moment Ivan’s smile vanished. He looked at her ,at first a bit sadly,but then he began to chant a strange sound,something like:

’Kolkolkol-’which made the other kids around him immediately shut up. He looked down at her,an intimidating aura forming around him ‘‘What is this?... What is the meaning of this?’’ he moved closer but the little girl did not move from her spot ‘‘We don’t want kids who don’t play nice,right-?’’

She interrupted ’’But I like you! Don’t you like me?!’’ he stopped “It isn't nice to lie,little one.’’ Vesna denied it ‘‘ I like-no I love you! I’m not a liar!’’ as the L word was uttered the other teenagers continued to laugh and tease their friend. Did she do something ? Why was he looking down on her,so casually cruel ,with so much anger,what happened to that sweet smile that greeted Vesna on her first day of school?Even when he was picking on some of her friends he was more amused than this! She asked,unsure of what is currently happening around her.

’’W-what did I do wrong?I thought you wanted to be my friend…’’she was begging to tear up as she heard the words that were uttered from his lips,the way he was speaking sounded eerie as he was forcing those words out. ‘’I don’t want little bratty girl as my friend!’’ He was so upset that he crumbled up her drawing “ Go home and study ! Don’t waste your or mine time with these things!’’ and by the end of his statement she was already crying her eyes out. Vesna ,completely ashamed,ran back to her classroom,refusing to speak to anyone for the rest of the day. Well ,today was a failure but as she calmed down she thought ‘Who cares about the stupid grades...wait...no.’ another thought popped into her mind ‘ Maybe if I learned Russian he would like me better?...’she sighed,repeating the words her father would say when he was in trouble with her mother “ The things I do for love....’’ she said aloud and went to sleep. * He has  blue  eyes, a curl  on  the top of  his head he’s likeable and cute and has a freckled nose for him  I would give it all oh  only if I knew that I was worth to him at least a bit * However,despite Vesna's determination, it was clear as day that Ivan and his  rejection had taken it’s toll on her. While the other kids were learning  or playing games  she was sitting by herself ,every recess  she would have just sat by the window,staring through it and in all honesty  it was beginning to scare the hell out of her teacher and peers.She had been  so cheery thus far,but unknown to the rest of them,she felt broken. Is this what love feels like? ‘ Everyone says the that it feels so nice?...’then why,why does it hurt so much?  Her eyes started to tear up as she remembered how he smiled at her the first time’Why does my heart hurt when I think about him?’ Vesna placed a hand on her chest and sighed,  at the ripe age of 7 she had learned of heartbreak and concluded that life wasn't fair.  This idea of hers was only reinforced and some of her friends came into the classroom whining to their teacher. Two boys came in ,as soon as they stepped in they started to cry and complain  ‘Oh ...those are my buddies!’ Vesna thought as she looked at the scene in front of her. A   shaggy blond ,pale , red-eyed boy stood with a frown crying his eyes out,next to him also teary-eyes ,stood a slightly taller  boy with dark hair and  green eyes .

Miss Irina confronted the two boys ,getting down to their level and listening to their problems. But when Vesna heard what they were complaining about she wanted to slap them silly.  It turns out Ivan wanted to be friends with them,not their exact words but to her it was the same,and yet they had the audacity to decline?!

‘Those tattling traitors!’ She wanted to get up and knock some sense into them ‘ “Staring down with  ‘creepy purple eyes’ ?!’’ ‘ He has beautiful violet eyes!’ Vesna’s thoughts began to wander ‘ And a pretty big nose,silky hair..and a curl when the wind blows...he he~’ a sad smile was making it’s way to her face. Her tears had completely   dried up,she looked through the window like she always does,not really paying  attention to her friends anymore.

She saw him,again,with those kids who laugh at him. She might have been young but she saw that that  wasn't fair. And like before,she sighed again ‘ They’re so lucky...I wish I was worth to him at least a bit ,like , like they are to him-...!’but,without regard to her wishful thinking the bell rang,signifying the school day’s end. Grabbing her bag she stood up and went through the door’’ Already? Oh sweet!’’,but,what she failed to realize when she was by the window were two sad violet orbs looking  directly at her  from a far ,as she went so did they. * But when the school bell rings I ‘d be the first one at school I’d hurry out to see those two blue eye And then on the other hand ,they are professors and profs. Then on the seventh heaven there would be me * Some years had passed and Vesna was in her final year of high school ,now, being a senior she was more then ever motivated on finishing the school year with an 4.0 GPA.There was just one problem... Russian  ,her problem was Russian. For the past 3 years she had been the best in her class ,if she wasn't raised to act humble she would even brag ,for sure! But this year was different,the sweet old lady  that was teaching her class had decided to retire and a younger teacher came as her replacement.He was tall and handsome,a bit strange ,but still ,despite the friendly apperance he was extremely strict,well...at least to her.

She still wonders why though,she had the best marks in his class yet he still always had a comment about her work,he couldn't just give her some praise  like he did with the other kids when they got something right. It was always “Oh ! I am sure you will do better next time,yes,don’t worry!’’ however,now that she thinks about it,the kids might of just been too scared to even concentrate on work.Something she didn't understand even now ,she wasn't scared of him,maybe that got his attention?

She was more annoyed every time she heard his “professional opinion” ‘’Really Vesna,getting cocky ,I see?You made a  real obvious mistake,so young lady, you better start working harder!’’ and with a  little sickening  smile,she could swear that he was smirking every time  she made a mistake! Vesna could swear that she did it right but he always found something,even when she didn't write anything it’s like he added a mistake just to correct her. That’s what she thought anyway,she finished the test he gave her,then placed her head on the table and closed her eyes.

‘ Come on ‘Zvonko Spasiću’ ,just ring already...!’she was beginning to doze off ,finally relaxing after a while,that is,until a hand slammed itself right next to her head making her  look up in shock. She saw her teacher, Mr.Braginsky’s ever so cheerful face ,looking  down at her  ’’ No sleeping! “

Oh, how she wanted to scream at him but she concluded that would get her ass expelled so she  just frowned and explained ‘‘ I wasn't sleeping...I did my test already! ‘’  Mr.Braginsky raised his eyebrow in amusement “Really now ,sunflower,you did?’’ he took her test before she could think of a witty comeback. Not even 10 seconds after looking at her paper he smiled and put it behind his back “ Not good,you failed the test.’’

Not a second passed and she was beaming with anger,she stood up to face him,her rebellious  side coming out’’ What?! You didn't even look at my test,how could you know! I studied - I know I did it right ! Look at it agai-’’

He interrupted as if he knew what she was going to say “ No you did not. And  if you came to me and told me what you didn't know I could explain it to you,but here you are,arguing with the teacher! After school detention Vesna,don’t be late!’’ he said strictly and went back to his desk,taking her paper with him . To say Vesna was speechless was an understatement,she sat down and stared blankly at the wall ‘...Old man telling me  I have detention,more mrš’...!’ all she wanted was to have good grades and to  go to a nice college afterwards,was that too mush to ask? Was this God’s way of punishing her for something? Yeah ,she was left to ponder that for the rest of the day.

She got up and was always the first kid in school,when the bell rang she would be there ,and yet ,the first thing she would see was her Russian teacher. His purple eyes  infuriated her each morning ,greeting her with the usual .

‘’Доброе утро, Весна!’’ he always said,well if today he gives her a bad mark she will give him a piece of mind,at this point she could care less about her grade,just about his ‘‘special’’ treatment of her. *

You and I, you and I we would be a great pair you and I, you and I Look at me at least once * No getting out of it now,it’s the end of the day,Vesna was heading to her Russian teacher’s classroom ‘ Great....just great!’ as the other kids could go and have  a nice weekend she had to spend  her Friday in detention . She knocked and a familiar voice answered ’’Oткрыт!’’ Swallowing the lump in her throat Vesna  opened the door and went inside. She sat in the first row,looking at her teacher Mr. Braginsky who smiled at her in a nice and strangely calm manner  “ So glad you came Vesna! Usually,my pupils run away so I have to get them myself! Hahah~Thank you for saving me the trouble.’’ he said casually joking a bit. Vesna laughed  a little nervously ,what kind of a smile was that? She looked at him

’Well that’s a new  one....’Vesna sighed quietly and asked:

“Mr.Braginsky  I-’’ he chuckled loudly,interrupting her he said “ Oh,heh don’t use those pleasantries ,sunflower. You can call me Ivan!’’

Vesna was looking at him,not really sure if he was joking or not “ O-ok?...Ivan...I-I was wondering-’’  he laughed again cutting her off  “ You are so cute when you stutter,and  to think you sounded so angry with me today!’’

While he was smiling and laughing like he was having the time of his life, Vesna was looking at him extremely perplexed,Ivan noticed this  and smiled even more “ Oh sorry,I cut you off-what were you going to say,dear?’’ -Wow a new pet name? Was she dreaming or what? Why was he so nice all of a sudden? Vesna narrowed her brows .

“ I know that I studied for today’s test,why did I not pass it?’’  What he said next made her blood boil “You did  pass,without a mistake ,in fact.’’ . She wanted to get out of her seat and strangle this man,he made a complete fool out of her in front of her whole class! She was gonna give him a piece of her mind!

However “...W-what?....’’she stuttered out the word, sounding like she was about to cry. Ivan stretched his hand and patted her head “You did an excellent job ,sunflower!’’ Vesna was honestly muddle-headed at the moment ,if she did such an excellent job why did he say she failed? Vesna  looking utterly upset frowned and moved her head back.

“ Then why am I here!? I don’t understand...Why are you petting me? “ to this Ivan winked at her “How else was I going to get you to stay after school  on a Friday night ?-Hmm? Don’t worry , my sunflower,parents get notified when their kids get detention.’’ He was positively going to kill her ,Vesna thought ‘ Well,today’s the day I die.’ she mentally laughed ,as she honest to God thought. But ,instead of that,he put a crumbled up piece of paper on her desk and said “Tell me what you see,in Russian,dear.’’

The brunette looked down at the crumbled up piece of paper,it looked  like an old children’s drawing “  Это цветок...подсолнух, я думаю? ’’ Ivan smiled and nodded “And?’’ it was bit hard to distinguish the figures,but Vesna tried “За ним солнце?’’  Ivan clapped and laughed “Yes it is!’’ . This was  getting ridiculous ,he was making fun of her,yes! That’s it,why else would he  be asking these stupid questions and showing her bad kid’s art?

Ivan asked in a sing-song voice “ Do you know the artist?’’ how the hell would she know? She doesn't exactly hang out with kindergarteners in her spare time “Я не знаю!’’

Ivan grinned and explained “ She was a cute little girl,how I heard,very lazy in school but outside was very stubborn,she gave that to me but...I wasn't ready for it and I hurt her. You see it’s crumbled up,yes? Well I did that,I was ashamed ,but I realized something...’’ Ivan stood up from his seat “ She was just a little girl,she didn't know any better,what she gave me was really sweet and I hurt her,I did not even realize I that cruel!’’

His little story made Vesna feel a little sorry for him,this man who had been tormenting her since the beginning of the school year had opened up to her,yet it was extremely uncomfortable. She wanted to say  something but he continued,making his way to her “I will give you a question,you have to read it aloud and answer the question; if you answer correctly you will pass my class,deal? ’’

This sounded sketchy as hell but seeing as he was the only teacher she was having problems with she agreed “Я понимаю!’’ he brightly smiled and took a note out of his pocket, wrote down something and gave it to her.  She  quietly read it  ,then looked at him “...? Я не понимаю, что это?’’ . Ivan sighed and sat next to her,making Vesna flinch as he repeated what he wrote “ Mы были бы  крутой парой,не так ли?’’

Something about the way he looked at her , how happily  he said it,  was eerily familiar to her “Да? Эй...!?’’

A truly cheerful smile,which she rarely saw from him and a longing look in his eyes were all it took for her to connect all the dots ’Wait...No..no...no it can’t be him!’She gazed at him,becoming shy on the spot  “I-I-Ivan...?!’’ she asked bewildered as she looked away,losing the courage to even look him in the eyes,what kind of trickery is this?  He looked at her,not really happy she didn't properly answer.

The older blond put his arm around the younger brunette’s shoulder and made her turn to face him.She just blushed and  silently looked at him . The next thing he asked ‘opened a new page’ in their book ’’Эй , Весна, мои подсолнухи ... Посмотри на меня хотя бы один раз!’’ ______ Zvonko Spasiću- A name for the ringing bell ( a nickname literally meaning`saving bell`) Доброе утро, Весна- Good morning,Vesna! Oткрыт!- it`s open! Это цветок...подсолнух, я думаю? - It's a flower...sunflower,I think? За ним солнце?- Behind it is the sun? Я не знаю!- I don't know ! Я понимаю! - I understand! Я не понимаю, что это?- I don' understand,what is it? Mы были бы  крутой парой,не так ли?- We would be a great pair ,would we not? Да? Эй...!?- Yes?Hey...!? Эй , Весна, мои подсолнухи ... Посмотри на меня хотя бы один раз! - Hey ,Vesna,my sunflower...Look at me at least once!

[flintsjohn]

61.“Welcome back. Now fucking help me.”-silverflint pls

John iswaiting on a bench outside the school, checking his phone and trying to avoidother parents, when a familiar squeal gets his attention and he suddenly hasan armful of overtly excited three-year-old.

“Chiquito! What did I tell you aboutsneaking on papi?”

Alexcompletely ignores him, and John only chuckles as his son starts blabberingabout his day at preschool. He stands from the bench and shifts Alex on his hipso he can hold him better as they get out of the crowded courtyard. As they’repassing through the gate, Alex already squirming on his hip to be put down, John has toquickly step aside to avoid being bumped by a tall blond man he has never seenbefore.

The manimmediately starts apologizing, and John is already shaking his head and sayingthat everything is fine when a deep voice cuts in.

“Thomas!Oh, here you are. Help me?”

John turnscuriously to see a man slightly taller than him, with bright copper hair and afull ginger beard, balancing a raven-haired girl in one arm and two backpacksin the other, another girl – this one blond - following closely behind. The manthat almost bumped into John, Thomas, steps forward to take the girl – who gigglesand leans into the kisses he peppers on her chubby cheeks. She looks likeshe’s about the same age as Alex, John thinks.

As he’swatching them, the second man clears his throat, and John nearly jumps out ofhis skin, and then he flushes, realizing he’s been staring and that Alex hasgone quiet and is also staring at the strangers with huge curious eyes.

“Uh,sorry,” John starts, but he finds himself at a loss for words when he suddenlyhas four sets of eyes turning on him.

“Oh, James,I almost made this young man and his kid fall, can you believe my clumsiness?” Thomasexplains, with a tone so dramatic that John can’t help but chuckle, “I have tomake up for this. Will you let us take you out for coffee?”

John shiftsawkwardly on his feet, his eyes flying from the family in front of him to hisown son in his arms, who’s now looking at him with a hopeful expression.

“I – It wasnothing really, you don’t have to-“

“Oh, butwe’d love to, wouldn’t we, James?” the man doesn’t have the time to speakbefore Thomas continues, “And our kids all go to the same school! We can get toknow each other!”

It takessome more convincing, but when Alex grumbles about being hungry, John ends upaccepting the couple’s offer. They set up at a corner café that John has neverbeen to before, though he walks by it every day on the way to the school.

The thankyou coffee turns into a full afternoon hang-out, and they spent almost threehours together, getting to know each other as the children – John learns thatthe girls are named Abigail and Eleanor, and through Alex whispering in his earhe also learns that Abigail is in his class – play next to them. James andThomas tell him that they’ve been together for close to ten years, and marriedfor four, and that they got to know the school through the principal, MirandaBarlow, who is a common ex. John raises an eyebrow at that, but doesn’tcomment. They also tell him they’re both university professors – James teachesClassics, while Thomas’s field is History.

He himselfoffers little about his personal life, but he talks about Alex and the progresshe’s been making since they moved from Spain during the summer, especiallythanks to Madi, his teacher. He tells them he’s working as an editor at anindependent publishing company and that he also does translations, and that heloves it because he’s able to work around his schedule when he needs more timewith Alex.

By the endof the afternoon, they’ve exchanged numbers with the promise to hang out againsoon, Alex can’t shut up about how amazing the Hamilton girls are, and Johnfeels like he finally made some friends.

***

If someonehad told John when he moved to London than in under a year he would be in astable relationship with not one, but two amazing men that cared deeply notonly about him, but about his son like he were one of their own, he would havelaughed in that person’s face.

If he’sbeing honest with himself, he would never have thought that in mere months hewould be able to get so close to two people as to reveal so much about his pastas he did to Thomas and James. He’s told them almost everything about Alex’smother, Charlotte, and her death, and the accident linked to it in which helost his leg. He told them stories about his childhood in Galicia, about losinghis parents and spending most of his childhood in foster homes, in Spain and inEngland. He even told them about his real name, Juan da Silva, that hetranslated into English when he was still young so he could fit in.

And now, ashe’s lying between Thomas and James, with the kids safely sleeping in the nextroom, he actually has to keep himself from sighing happily. He buries him facefurther in James’s chest, barely containing a purr, and feels James shakingwith laughter under him.

He’s about to swat at him when the door creaks open, and they all scramble to right themselves even if allthey were doing was cuddling and dozing off together. A small figure waits inthe doorway, only outlined in the darkness, though John immediately recognizeshis son’s mop of curly hair, so alike his own.

“Mijito, ¿qué pasa?”

As soon asJohn says that, Alex runs into the room with a screech of papi! and climbs onto the bed, crawling among the sheets until he’scrashing against John’s naked chest with a sob. He’s muttering in Spanish aboutmonsters and the sand man and John can feel his heart breaking as his sonshakes in his arms.

“Shh, mi amor.Solo fue una pesadilla. Estoyaquí, Alejito.” John keeps murmuring calming words into Alex’s hair until hecalms down enough for John to lie back down, Alex cradled against his chest anddozing off again. Only then, John lifts his gaze to see Thomas smirking atJames.

“What?”John murmurs, his head shifting gently on the pillow to watch both of them inturn.

“Oh,nothing,” Thomas snickers, “I just think you should start speaking more Spanisharound James.”

At that,James groans and covers his flushing face with his arm, and John can feel hisown face reddening as he smiles shyly at both his partners.

“You likeit?”

“Oh, Ithink he loves it.”

Thomas’slaughter only gets louder when a he gets a pillow to his face, and they allultimately dissolve into giggles, so loud that a sleepy Abigail also appears inthe doorway and demands to join the pup pile. They cuddle close, Alex andAbigail tucked in the middle of the big bed, and for the first time in years,with James’s arm thrown over his waist and Thomas’s hand holding his, Johnfeels safe.

***More headcanons!

John’s full name is Juan Salomón García da Silva (”da Silva” being portuguese, which has some influence in Galicia because of the proximity), and he changed it when he moved to England with one of his foster families. He then moved back to Spain when he was of age.

Alex’s full name is Alejandro García da Silva (he got both John’s last names because Charlotte didn’t have a spanish last name).

John and Charlotte were mostly fuckbuddies, though he took full responsibilities when she got pregnant. She then started dating Logan, and they died in the same car accident that took John’s leg. After that, John got full custody of Alex.

John and Madi had a brief fling when they were younger, and he partly chose the school Alex goes to because of her.

Eleanor is 10, Abigail is 3. They’re respectively James’s and Thomas’s god-daughters and they adopted them.

After the night of Alex’s nightmare, John starts speaking a loooot more spanish around Thomas and James ;)

[squishysvt]

If I’m Lucky - Ch.5`Ten

Member: Ten (NCT) Genre: fluff (??), dark Word Count: 1,834 AN I managed to write a good sized chapter this time! Hope y’all enjoy :) -Admin Ay Warnings: sex mention, death mention

Ch.1`Ten ~ Ch.2`You ~ Ch.3`Ten ~ Ch.4`You ~ Ch.5`Ten ~ Ch.6`You

     Before noon, the world seemed more awake. The sun was still making its journey to the middle of the sky. Adults out working and running errands were still easily running off of a cup of coffee and children still hadn’t used all of their energy at school.

     Ten observed the happenings of the city outside of his window. He didn’t really like the world before noon. Birds infested the air with their obnoxiously happy singing, and it was so much brighter than what he preferred. The fact that it was so early (at least it was early to him) on top of waking up next to the person that always seemed to bring torment with them, his day did not start off ideally.

     You still lingered in his apartment, both of you not having classes for the day. The effect Ten’s outburst on you was different than what he expected, honestly speaking.

     Rather than whining and running out the door like he thought you would do, you only nodded and lied on the couch that you were originally supposed to sleep in. The only thing showing any type of negative emotion were your eyes, resembling a deer in headlights. However, an odd sprinkle of something else danced in them as well. Ten couldn’t put his finger on what it was, and it would be untrue if he said that it unnerved him slightly.

     His pastime of early morning city-watching was interrupted by the sound of a phone ringing. Ten had initially thought it was his, and reached to his side to pick it up. As he turned his head to the suspected source of the ringing, he was surprised to see nothing on the screen signifying an incoming call.

     “Hey, what’s up.” Your voice filled the room as you greeted your friend.

     Choosing not to eavesdrop, Ten tuned out your lively conversation, deciding to instead fiddle with his coffee mug. His father had not called him to take care of business, and Johnny hadn’t even texted him asking him to go out. For once, Ten was going to have a quiet day. Although it made him happy, he really had no idea what to do with himself either. If he was not studying for an exam or writing an essay, he was carrying out transactions with Squalo Nero. He was barely in his apartment, thus, he barely had any means of entertainment lying around his flat. A few books that he had finished long ago scattered his coffee table, if anything. Ten sighed to himself, deciding to sip on his drink more rather than thinking on the matter further.

     “Ten!”

     Your unnecessary high pitched screech rung in his ears.

     “What is it, Y/N?”

     “Wanna come chill with me and my roommates for a bit?”

      Ten groaned, “And why exactly would I want to do that?”

      You approached his slouched figure and got as uncomfortably close to Ten’s face as possible.

      “Because based on the data I have gathered and analyzed about you for as long as I have known you, you’re not exactly the type of person to have parties back to back throughout the week.” You smiled as Ten frowned at what you said.

     “C’mon...we’re just gonna go and eat lunch at some cafe and catch up. No big deal. You can go as my plus one!”

     Ten could not really debate with you there. He indeed didn’t do much that wasn’t either illegal or school-related. And although Ten wasn’t really fond of social gatherings with strangers (adding you to the mix didn’t make it any better), he did not want to be left to drown in his own thoughts today.

      “Fine,” he grumbled.

      Ten watched with a raised brow as you squeaked and practically buzzed with excitement.

     “Go get some clothes on, we’re meeting in thirty minutes,” You demanded as you pushed Ten into his room, urging him to hurry.

     Before he closed his bedroom behind him, the song both you and Ten had as ringtones was brought back into his memory.

     Leaning on his door frame, he inquired, “You listen to Miguel?”

     You absentmindedly nodded as you tried to gather your things.

     “Nice music taste, I guess that’s one thing I like about you.” The last part was low enough to where it had you wondering if you actually had heard it. Your head shot up, fast enough to see a faint smile on Ten’s face as he disappeared into his room.

      It would be a lie to say that Ten didn’t enjoy the walk to the cafe with you. The warm sun hugged his back and the background noise of your rhetorical rambling as he thought of nothing put him in a state of contentment that he hadn’t experienced in years. He would never admit his efforts to suppress a smile from crawling onto his face to you, though.

     Those feelings, however, vanished as soon as Ten felt them start as soon as you both stepped into the meeting destination. For some reason, he just knew that the loud man and woman huddled in the very back of the cafe was your friends. His suspicions were confirmed as he saw you zoom towards the two screaming greetings from the other side of the room. Ten quickly bought an overpriced bottle of water to assuage his oncoming headache before sitting next you in the booth you friends had chosen. As he settled down he tuned into the animated conversation you were having with your female roommate.

     “Oh, dude, where were you? When I got home last night you weren’t there? I was worried when I woke up and you still weren’t in your room.”

      “I may have lost my keys…” You trailed off, putting in no further effort to explain.

     “What?! You could’ve called one of us or something,” the male roommate exclaimed.

      The girl, that Ten would later learn is named Wendy, nodded. “Where did you end up staying then? And I swear to God, if you slept on some park bench like that one drunk night in--”

      “Don’t worry! I stayed at this dude’s place.” You said as you nudged Ten with your shoulder. Directing the attention to him for the first time since he had sat down.

       Ten mentally sighed, with your statement he knew this would induce a reaction from your friends, especially since they were only meeting him today. The situation he willingly put himself in today slowly started to become one of regret as he felt his head pulse.

      “What if he was a murderer? What if he did something to you while you were asleep?” Ten could feel the protective anger radiating off of the man talking.

      “Look, Doyoung, chill out. I’ve known Ten for a while--” Ten scoffed, the “a while” equaling about a month, “--and he’s actually pretty chill.”

      All Doyoung could do was skeptically glance at the man in question, which Ten couldn’t really blame him for.

      “Besides, she’s the one that decided to sleep with me first.” Ten grinned, slyly avoiding having to elaborate by drinking from his water.

      Wendy choked on air and Doyoung started to engage in some sort of act of disassociation from the whole conversation.

     Wendy cleared her throat. “Wow, Y/N...I didn’t know you were the...forward type.”

     “I like, really didn’t need to know that.” Doyoung grimaced. Wendy had made it very clear that getting it on within the shared flat was a no-no, so the three flatmates didn’t exactly see each other as completely functional college students with sex lives of their own. Ten could tell very clearly from the reaction to his bluff.

     “Whatever you think happened at Ten’s apartment didn’t,” you blushed, “and will not happen in the near future, okay?” You stood up and stumbled out of the booth, dragging Ten with you.

     “Anyway, I promised him we wouldn’t be staying long. I’ll talk to you later!”

     Now out of the cafe and leading Ten to no location in particular, Ten and you walked in silence. The sun was starting to lower from its highest point in the sky, and it was becoming slightly cooler than before. The both of you soon approached to a park filled with children running around and playing. Parents didn’t pay any attention to their respective kids, instead engaging in fanatic talk about some soap-opera aimed at middle-aged women.

     Ten settled under a nearby tree as he rested his head on it’s rough bark, happy giggles and screams filling his ears.

“I thought your dad was taking you out today?” Taeil inquired as he swung on a swing that was way too small for him.

Ten’s small fingers dug into the playground mulch as he spoke, “He said he couldn’t because of work.”

“Then why didn’t your mom instead?”

“She said to ask you to take me. She didn’t feel like it.”

Taeil sighed, obviously frustrated by the current situation. “I hate that your parents don’t take care of you like they should. You are literally such a good kid, Ten. I don’t understand why they don’t see that.”

Ten rubbed his hands on pants and looked up from the hole he was digging. “It’s fine, I have you.” The older boy smiled. Taeil was the one who was always there for him when no one else was.

                 “Shoot him, son.”

       His eyes fluttered open as he was greeted by your figure towering over him.

     “You seem like you had a good nap. It’s getting pretty dark, I think we should go home.” You punctuated your sentence with a slight shiver. Ten hadn’t realized how chilly it had gotten, despite it being so warm in the morning.

     Not really over his haunting dream, Ten took a minute to gather himself and get up. “Uh, yeah, let’s go.”

      This time as the two of you walked home, Ten had actually entertained your odd musings with curt nods and the occasional hum. In the middle of your speech about, well at this point Ten wasn’t really sure what you were talking about, he had let his thoughts drift away as well. It had been a bit of time since he had last thought about his past, and he wondered why it was bothering him so much lately.

     “Oh, hey, what time is it?” You interrupted Ten’s thoughts.

     When he had pulled out his phone to check, he had gotten a glance of the date on his screen, the bright text ingrained into his eyes. It had now been six years since the first time he killed.

      “It’s...eight-thirty.” Ten’s throat felt dry, the familiar feeling of pulling the trigger, the ringing in his ears coming back, the kick of the gun jolting his inexperienced hands all came flowing back to him.

     “Ten are you...okay there? Do you need something?” You had noticed the obvious disturbance in Ten’s demeanor, but didn’t know where it came from.

     “Let’s just go home, Y/N. I’m fine.”