#well tell me where they live
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i-bite-children · 11 months ago
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I HATE HOHOMPHOBIC PEOPLE! let me tell you a story
so when i was in primary school, i had this friend, im gonna call her bianca, so she had not a lot of friends, most of them were the boys in our class, well like in sixth grade, she came out as a lesbian, but i had already changed schools at that point, and do you know what happened? after i contacted my toxic ex-bestfriend she was the one that told me that bianca was a lesbian, i was happy for her, until my toxic ex-bestfriend (who im gonna call: nya) told me that everyone hates her for that and i was like, BITCH, PRIDE PEEPS HAVE FEELINGS TOO! i mean, take me for example, im genderfluid, semibisexual, demisexual, nebularomantic and gay when im a boy! so yeah, fuck homophobic people.
If you support gay marriage reblog this. If you're on the homophobic side, keep scrolling.
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As a bisexual, it sickens me that some people WILL keep scrolling.
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bunnieswithknives · 4 months ago
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I feel bad for neglecting Hazel so much, I do have many thoughts about her.. and also a mermaid au that im probably not going to do anything with
#fop#fairly oddparents#fop a new wish#fairly oddparents a new wish#hazel wells#fop hazel#fop dev#dev dimmadome#art#digital art#doodles#I wish Hazels parents were more flawed tbh...#Like I get why they wanted to have them be good rep so that young people could know what a good family is supposed to look like#but it felt like every time there was an opportunity to have them do something genuinely flawed-#they would perfectly sidestep it before it even became a problem#I really enjoyed the first episode because it showed a hint of a very unique emotional issue Hazel had related to having a therapist mother#The idea that she has to be mature all the time#constantly living around therapy speak makes her feel like she isnt allowed room to breathe#Feeling unable to express her emotions without someone there giving advice that she isnt ready for yet#just small things!#She feels so pressured to be emotionally mature all the time BECAUSE she gets praised for it#maybe im projecting everyone always tell me I was so mature for my age...#But like I really really wanted to see that from her!!#And then after that episode it doesnt even come up again#The only other episode that features the moms job as a conflict is the one where she wants to spend more time with her#which is a fine conflict I guess but it still ends with her saying all the perfect things#I wanted Markus to be more of a genuine threat too. even if he didnt actually do anything having him be more looming would have been nice#I feel like they mostly forget hes a para scientist most of the time idk.#I just felt like his interactions could have been more unique#Maybe he will be in future seasons idk
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tls123 · 6 months ago
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thirty-one days of jiujiu(ly) — 2024 edition // day seven + with bonus a-xian ! + find the 2022 edition here
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theethoslab · 10 months ago
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Absolutely losing my mind over Scar’s stream today
He was already talking to Etho while catching ocelots
Joel logs in and Scar immediately asks if Etho wants to go visit him
We get so many Etho lore crumbs (although he doesn’t fully confirm anything except having stubble and trying to get rid of 2 extra house generators)
They hang out for like 2 hours doing nothing hut chatting
Eventually Scar leaves but forgot that he left his ocelots at Etho’s because he was so excited about boat boys that he never brought them home
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starry-bi-sky · 3 months ago
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finally giving fem danyal her own au and fulfilling my 'danny is an animal whisperer' agenda at the same time: mother of monsters danyal 2.0
i say "2.0" because TECHNICALLY 'mother of monsters danyal' is an au I made back in June for Dark fem!Danyal (who I promptly named Layal). However, I haven't posted much for her yet, and I like the "mother of monsters" premise too much to leave it only to Layal. Plus Danyal in that au was going to become the mother of monsters anyway, just with significantly less world domination and mass extinction.
'Animal whisperer' Danny has been something I've been thinking about since my latest DP 'wolfpack au' post and it's! So fun to think about, and who no better to assign the idea to than Danyal Al Ghul? Who comes from a family infamously known for their love of animals and nature?
Fem Danyal is just purely self-indulgent. *gestures wildly at her* i just lomvb,,, her,,,, I've only really mentioned her in context of the 'Things in Threes' au/my first Danyal al Ghul au with the facial scar, but she's!!! I love her. She deserves her own au <33
So kill three birds with one stone! Make a post about it.
Anyways, Danny has a large lair. Similar to cult leader danyal, her lair is a giant mountain region resembling nanda parbat with a big temple/palace-like area built into the mountain. It's large, it's overflowing with natural flora, with its own mini-floating islands hovering over some areas, and it's also completely empty.
Danny takes one look at her lair upon first meeting, -- noting that it looked relatively smaller from the outside -- and promptly, with the elegance of an Al Ghul, goes "What the hell??" Because yes, while she does enjoy her own solitude and privacy, this is a bit ridiculous.
For heaven's sake, there's even a massive lake in there! What's she going to do with all this space? Can she make it any smaller? Why is it so big in the first place? This looks borderline like one of the mega-islands!
She finds out later that apparently, the amount of ectoplasm a ghost has can have an effect on the size of their lair. And since she has such a large core, her lair reflects that. Wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff, it's bigger on the inside so it doesn't take up "too much space" on the outside. Don't worry about it too much.
Danyal isn't totally opposed to having such a large lair, she's just... a bit baffled by it. It feels like so much wasted space is all. All this flora and no fauna to enjoy it with. It's practically eerie.
She decorates her temple-palace area, transforming rooms to match her needs as she sees fit. In the center of the inner gardens is a massive tree that she likes to climb, with twisting, winding branches. Sam and Tucker have honorary rooms, even if they can't safely leave the specter speeder for long periods of time, even with proper safety equipment. So does Jazz. Ali (Dani) has one too, but he can actually use that one, and Danny brought him to her lair so he could decorate it himself.
She has a personal garden, but for the most part she lets the flora exist as it is. Too much space to cultivate it en masse anyways.
Skip to a few weeks later, on her next visit to Clockwork. She developed a habit of going to see him semi-regularly just because. She enjoys his wisdom, and he has a lot of stories to tell, and when he's not being the cryptic and esoteric timekeeper, he's a bit goofy.
(pushing my dadwork agenda here,,, i think Danny deserves to go 'hey, Lord Clockwork, do you want me to buy you something' while she's at walmart, only to receive a singular glowing sticky note that says 'cucumber gatorade'.)
(She insists on referring to him with his proper titles even for the most mundane of things because it's proper, but Clockwork sees a future where she eventually calls him "Cee" and by all things in existence is he determined to get there. Anyways,,,)
On her next visit to Clockwork, just as she is about to leave, Clockwork stops her and goes; "Ah, I have something for you. Hold out your hands."
Danny does as such, and Clockwork doesn't give out things often, so her curiosity has spiked to the highest levels. He turns away from her for a moment, using his staff to summon whatever it is he needs, and when he turns around.
He drops a fish into her hands. Granted, a fish in a small glass tank. But a fish nonetheless. A small one, roughly about the size of her finger, with a blue-black, eel-shaped body and four sets of glowing eyes. She can see thin, almost translucent, but spiny fins down its back and the start of bioluminescent markings. It's swimming around in circles in its small container.
"Lord Clockwork." Danyal says all too calmly.
"Yes, Danyal?"
"What is this?"
"That is an adolescent leviathan, Danyal." She’s transfixed onto the tank, but she doesn’t need to see Clockwork’s face to hear the smile he’s stifling.
The myriad of emotions that runs through her all at once threatens to overwhelm her, and she can’t tell if the feelings are negative or positive. So she carefully closes her eyes to breathe in through her nose.
“Clockwork.”
“Ah, I see you’ve dropped formalities.”
She ignores that.
“Why have you given me an adolescent leviathan?”
She's expecting the trickster to look amused when she opens her eyes. Instead, he just looks endeared. "I know you're fond of animals," he says, "and you always look amazed when you come across an animal of the realms. So I thought you might enjoy taking care of the young beast, it's mother is dead so it has no one to care for it."
Oh.
"But, if you don't like it," Clockwork's hands reach out for the tank, "I can simply take it back--"
Danyal shifts the tank out from his reach and hugs it possessively. "I never said that. How do I care for it?"
And so clockwork gives her a list, and when Danyal returns to her lair, she sets up a large tank in her room for the leviathan to swim in -- it's much too small for the lake right now, she thinks. She'll feel better if it's somewhere she can find it. She names him Suhā.
Suhā grows quickly, and by the end of the mortal month she transforms one of the rooms into a large pond for him to swim around in. He's a very loyal beast, recognizing her as it's mother of some kind. Danyal takes great care ensuring that her beastie gets quality care, and Suhā swims to the surface to see her when he senses her in the room.
It spirals from there. Somehow, Pandora catches wind that Clockwork gave her a leviathan, and so the next time Danyal visits the Greater Athens, she gives her a baby chimera. It's eyes are still sealed shut, Danyal can't bring herself to say no. She names the little beastie Firas.
Frostbite hears about it too, and not to be outdone, gives her an animal she's never even heard of. Infinite-realms born, apparently. A fox-like creature with two small horns like an impala, four eyes, and tall legs. The name isn't something she's quite sure how to write down, and she's positive that her friends won't be able to comprehend it. She names her Eira.
Getting the three of them used to each other was... interesting. Suhā tried to eat Firas when Danyal first introduced the two, and they've hated each other ever since. Firas and Eira are seemingly getting along. Her island already feels full enough with the three of them on it.
Of course, that's not the end of it. With her luck, she begins stumbling across other monsters. Realms-borne or otherwise. An injured hydra in the Grecian islands that, through lots of trial and error, Danyal is able to rehabilitate and heal. It routinely comes to visit her afterwards.
A griffin with a broken wing that she moves permanently to the island that likes to keep to itself, but tends to come down when she's near. It gets along best with Firas.
A panther-like monster from the Shades Woods that had six legs and three tails, with ends that reminded her of a venus flytrap. It stuck around the heavy foliage and she can only make out where it was when she saw its golden eyes reflect.
She befriends a young indrik with its leg injured, and much like the hydra it follows her back to her island, and stays there in the mountains. It comes out when she's alone, much like her other beasts.
She receives two more leviathan -- one from clockwork, and one she finds herself while exploring the deeper and darker recesses of the Ghost Zone. It was huddled against the carcass of its mother, and she managed to befriend and get close enough to it to bring it back to her island. Suhā is fully grown by then, with a head bigger than Danyal herself and he still likes to stick her head out of the water for nuzzles when she's near.
He's not very happy with his new siblings, but he's not trying to eat them when she's not looking. So she calls it a win in her book.
And it's not just large beasts either; smaller animals begin popping up when she's not looking. Bird-like creatures and small mammals, and she swears she saw a doe (or something resembling a doe) grazing in the forest while she was walking by.
She takes back with her a lone snake egg once, and it grows so big it wraps around her island and sleeps with its massive head on the mountain beside the temple, like some smaller breed of Jörmungandr.
And on and on it goes. Some of the beasts she comes across never step foot onto her island, some of them follow her back, while others she has to carry back. Not all of the ones that follow her stay, and Danny rehabilitates the injured and releases them when they're fully healed.
It's hectic, and busy, and frankly she loves it. Some of her rehabilitated beasts return to visit her, or to have their children somewhere on the island, or whatever it is they need to do.
She becomes a bit infamous for it. She goes to visit Dorathea once, and as she's walking through the streets she can hear some of the denizens whispering while she walks past.
"Is that her?"
"Her highness' friend? Yes--"
"--that's the one--"
"--Mother of monsters--"
Danny's not sure how to feel about that.
Although, she can't say she's opposed.
Danyal Al Ghul, Mother of monsters, raiser of beasts. It has a nice ring to it.
#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dpxdc#dp x dc#dpxdc crossover#danyal al ghul au#dpxdc prompt#fem danny fenton#fem danyal al ghul#mother of monsters danny#if anyone wants to hear about Layal specifically I'd be HAPPY to tell you about her. she's inspired by the song 'scylla' from epic#you can't leave me with dark danny for too long i give him depth if i do. anyways i gave layal mommy issues. she has a complicated view on#danyal and both loves and hates her in equal measure. she killed her out of mercy. she's her mother her sister her other half.#she despises her. she misses her. she'll never see her again. she sees her every time she looks in the mirror. she's 24. she's 10 years old#can you tell that i made layal during a time where i was thinking about the 'dan is danny's kid' dpdc trope bc that's exactly what happened#*holds dad!clockwork up like potato.* 'i just think he's neat :)'#i am incapable of making things only cracky. i must make it meaningful in some way or another.#MMMM i have to cut it off here before it gets too looooNNGGG.#if this flops i'll be sad :((#i just think the idea that danyal has her own little world on her island is neat. she's got dragons and wyrms and serpents and giant wolves#and griffins and one time there's a sphinx although she doesn't stay permanently. Danyal has a blast answering her riddles though.#that panther is based off the dnd displacer beast. there's little salamanders and gazelles with three eyes. there's more sea monsters than#just suhā and the other two leviathans but i couldnt think of any. im obsessed with the sea serpents if you havent notice LMFAO.#there's pegasi and a manticore and a ton of infinite realms monsters that are just an assortment of animals slapped together#the shades woods are a mega-island idea that i had. they're where a bunch of the “shades ghosts” are from. Its this large forest area with#megaflora trees similar to the redwood forest with canopies so thick and wide that no light can reach the bottom. so all of the native faun#living there have adapted to live in the shadows. there are a few villages that live in tall tree houses like the ewok villages that outsid#ghosts can go visit. the panther that's from there is very fond of danyal honestly. anyways yEAH ANIMAL WHISPERER DANNY.#her beasties are all animals up until she's like. 19. where she promptly steals an infant minotaur from a Legends Islands near Pandora#he wasn't being treated well okay!!! she couldn't stand by and watch. his name is asterion. he's a year old. and she'll kill for him.#i dont have enough tags to talk about Damian or her family >:T. just know that i am leaning into her assassin bg as usual :)
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mblue-art · 11 months ago
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once again i was fueled with coffee (did not sleep the whole night) but this time i doodled college au to cope bc ofc i did (also did not feel like sleeping wooo)
#self insert#cross!sans#epic!sans#mblue art#cm#m rambles#(that tag is needed bc hoo boy u can tell i did not get sleep and is fueled by caffeine)#(do not be like me!!!!!!!!! do not deprive urself of sleep 💀💀💀)#(get a good 6-7hrs a day if u can. if 4-5hr works better for u then im not forcing u to sleep more 😤😤😤 as long as u rest well 😁👍)#(AND HYDRATE... if ur reading this try to take a sip rn 🥤)#campus au#(college au scenarios will be tagged that heehoo)#not colored just lines bby 😎😎😎#idiots to lovers type shit where they both confide in epic n he's just chillin#waiting for the time when these dummies will finally confess to eachother themselves#(look i think it's rlly funny seeing cross be all cool calm collected in public but when he talks to epic abt his crush)#(he goes insane with a million different flustered/blushing emojis)#( 'they told me good luck on my test and gave me the nicest smile ever how was i gonna live after that' goofy ass. idiot /aff)#( 'DUDE THEY GAVE ME A MOTIVATIONAL NOTE. IN /PINK/ PAPER. ON CHOCOLATE. DOES THIS...... 😳' guys i love silly dorky cross to bits so much)#(man fucking explodes w his simping n epic just goes LMAO but he's v supportive for his bruh 💪😤)#(on the other hand my sona thinks he's sooo cool and awesome and smart and honestly fucking charming HHELLO THE TIMES WHEN HE LAUGHS AND)#(AND SMILES HELLOOO MR HANDSOME I MEAN WHATT)#( 'stars if he likes me back i wouldn't know what to do with myself. fucking EXPLODE? YIPPEE CONFETTI??' lots of flushge )#(going ueueue at big bro epic bc they got a super massive crush on his bestie but)#(but the head is entertaining 'what-if's BUT i think kuya epic knows how to steer the thoughts away from those and smack em w teasing 😎✨)#(ultimately distracting and successfully reassuring them 😎😎😎)#(tsundere mblue no way not in here im down bad astronomically full on simping my guys)#(he might be a dumbass sometimes but he's my dumbass) (ok i'll shut up now fr)#anywayz campus au is the my highschool au but we're all adults and more tired yippeee
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akkivee · 1 month ago
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still kinda not over ichiro taking a bite out of his hamburger in the leaders bonus hypster track and going 'it's so good!! it tastes really meaty!!' lmao
#vee queued to fill the void#ichiro's been shown to be somewhat neglectful towards himself when it comes to food lol#he knows what tastes good to have made the world class yamada curry tho despite not having the vocabulary for it lol#and that's the most important part tbh lol tho i kinda wonder if he workshopped it with anybody 🤔#like in that dod chapter where samatoki gives ichiro his new home and business lol before daddy samatoki showed up#the bros were all eating convenience store bento boxes which means none of them were cooking for each other yet#and that might be consequence of their living space at the time lol but what if after the upgrade#ichiro felt more obligated to cook for his bros so they could grow well with good food and needed advice on cooking lol#i think it'd be cute if nmcd all got together to help ichiro learn to cook is what i'm saying lol#equally as cute is if the bros got together and taught themselves (tho that may have been a trainwreck lol)#but jiro and saburo both describe the yamada curry as ichiro's so that tells me it's usually an ichiro recipe#but anyway samatoki learned to bake for his sister ichiro would definitely be the same mindset#but let's give ichiro more happy moments associated with food like kuukou's lowkey already been trying to do lol#and have all his friends workshop the recipe with him 🥺🥺🥺#vee is arting#save for that kuukou comic this is the last of my art backlog lol#which means no more art for another three months or sumn lmao 😭😭😭😭😭😭#(i need to promise to myself to not go that long without drawing again lol 😭😭😭😭😭)
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vigilskeep · 1 month ago
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ignoring that isabela wouldnt say any of that whenever she says something i want to hear
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moregraceful · 21 days ago
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can we PLEASEEEEE talk about nico sturm's white boy swag PLEASE. like what was that. why were the sharks so intensely hiding his white boy swag. "oh we got him for his face offs" WHAT ABOUT HIS WHITE BOY SWAG. imagine if the sharks had not made a holiday music video we would not have never known about nico sturm's insane white boy swag. ik you all are consumed with thing1 and thing2 and also thing3 and thing4 but what was going on with nico sturm in that video, we need to discuss. why was he the only one giving it's big and i know what to do with it energy. ON THE SHARKS?? HELLO
ALSO. cody ceci can't rap nor should he ever again get his ass off the mic but he DID sound like an npr show host. he has the smooth tenor of a man telling me on all songs considered that this all-female octogenarian shoegaze quartet is going to be playing at hardly strictly bluegrass this year. or like a guy who was an overnight host for a classical music station. he's telling me he's got gershwin to accompany me through the cold winter night. he's signing off with an instrumental version of "st. james infirmary" at 6am. he calls his listeners his "lovers" and gets away with it bc the only people who listen to overnight classic music stations are lonely old men and particularly unwell college students. ohhhh cody ceci you're wasted as a dman you should be romancing old men
#HEAVILY REDACTED BUT I FEEL NICO'S BDE IS THE REASON MARIO HAD TO LIE AND SAY HE'D BEEN YAPPING TOO MUCH#guys i woke up so evil this morning i think i spent six solid hours airing my grievances to ko until i realized it was because my feet#were cold and had been all day. went to beryl and said beryl my feet are cold and beryl said well i think wool socks are going to be#better for you in this climate than cotton and i said WHAT DO YOU MEAN I NEED A NEW WARDROBE FOR AN ENTIRELY NEW CLIMATE#like i did have a winter coat and winter boots to be clear but?? so i made a large wool sock purchase and a smaller slippers purchase#and can i state for the record i did live in baltimore for four years over a decade ago when snow was real. i did live in a colder climate#than the bay area winters i have become accustomed to#but looking back i just have no memory of how i survived that. friends from ohio telling me how to dress i guess#keats got a new parka too. but i bought that before i realized i was cold. but if HE'S cold I'M cold#i think ko heard like every complaint under the sun. i think i invented new things to be cheesed off at as i was going#except the 15 minute interlude where i turned to k and popped off about how the sharks treat goosh#but if i start talking about that again the sap center is in danger of becoming a new feature in the wetlands#fine i will be brave and say it. i think nico said ok if you lost your adhd fidget toy (phone) then i will give you a new one (his dick)#BYE. BYE#fresno oilers.txt#my feet are cold :(#fresno oilers.write
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caeslxys · 5 months ago
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Something I think is extremely interesting thematically when it comes to connecting what Downfall and the ideas it tackled to the overarching narrative of campaign three is that the things Downfall made a point to showcase of Aeor—Cassida, Hallis, the visual of an aeormaton proposing to her partner, the specific and intentional decision to shed light on a far from insignificant amount of the population being civilians or refugees—is that it plays in perfect parallel across from what is happening (and, really, has been happening) to the ruidusborn on Exandria in present.
Bear with me for a moment. Aeor is ultimately a city that was collectively punished for the decisions of its leadership. We could (and, judging by the amount of discourse around this particular topic already, probably will) argue about what the Gods’ motivation for all of this was—whether it be that they could not, in the end, bear to kill their siblings or that they were terrified at the prospect of mortality—for me it is a very healthy dose of both—but for this I am much more interested in the latter. They were scared. That, really, is the driving force behind both this arc and their role in c3 as a whole.
Why I point this out is: It is far more interesting to me, especially as we go back to Bells Hells this week, to dissect the Gods and their decisions not purely on sympathetic motivation alone but as beings in the highest seat of power in the highest social class in Exandria.
So, having established that the Gods (in relation to mortals) are more a higher social class than anything we could compare to our real life understanding of divinity and that Aeor was eviscerated largely because of their fear—what is the difference between those innocents in Aeor caught in the trappings of their autocratic government leadership and a divine war on the ground, and those of the ruidusborn being manipulated both by Ludinus and by the very thing that inspired such visceral fear in the Gods to start with. I would argue very little.
I think of Cassida, doing what she genuinely thought was right and good and would save people, her son, and the object of her worship—and how that did not matter enough to any of them to spare her because of the fear they held at the very concept of mortality. I think of Liliana and Imogen, one of which we know begged for the gods to help her or send her a sign for years on years, and how every single one of their largest struggles could have been avoided had the gods loved them, their supposed children, as much as they feared what they could be. I think of how the thing that did save Imogen, in the end, was a woman who herself existed in direct defiance of the gods will. I think of that young boy, sixteen years old, that Laudna exalted on Ruidus.
I think it’s completely fair to judge Aeor’s overall society as deeply corrupt—it was!—but its leadership and police force are not a reflection of every one of its citizens. Similarly, it is fair to judge the Ruby Vanguard as corrupt—it is!—but its multiple heads of leadership and even the god-eater further are not a reflection of every one of its members.
Notably, and what I think the Hells will latch onto, this did not matter to the Gods. It did not matter that Cassida was trying to help. She was still too much of a risk. Will it matter, what Imogen does? Will it matter, if that young boy is in the blast radius when they decide to take no further chances?
I’ve seen a lot of people say that the Hells will side with the gods and I don’t think I agree. Especially as Imogen has been scolded and villainized over and over for daring to try and save her mother—who herself has been seen by some as an irredeemable evil in spite of her drive being the exact same—her family—but when it’s the Gods it’s justified? When it’s the Gods, it’s sympathetic? Too sympathetic to criticize further than “they’re family”?
I obviously do not think the Gods should die or be eaten or what have you, and I certainly don’t agree with Ludinus (though I find him much more compelling than just a variation of hubris wizard), but when talking about the Gods in Aeor and in present it isn’t really at all about their motivation or their family. It can’t be. Too many people, including our active protagonists, lives have been effected for it to be as cut and dry as “they’re family”. These are your children. They are your family, too.
#critical role#cr meta#cr spoilers#critical role spoilers#imogen temult#liliana temult#ludinus da'leth#does this make sense. I feel like i lost my initial thread somewhere around the middle bc my brain is currently spread very thin#but tldr: it is extremely interesting to me that the fall of aeor is such a perfect parallel to the ruidusborn#i could also go on endlessly ENDLESSLY about how cassida and liliana play the exact same role#and also i could go on even longer on what divinity as a concept even means in a world like exandria#and how trying to compare it to our real life understanding of divinity is a bit fruitless#on the basis that a person can become a god alone but also that they themselves undeniably exist#but its so good. it ties in so well. brennan did a fucking fantastic job at capturing the abject horror of it all#also aabria iyengar if you can hear me PLEASE bring deanna back i will send you fifty dollars#and also hello i very briefly said hello at the live show and wanted to tell you how incredible i think you are but alas#where did these tags go#anyway#WOAH this is long. I should’ve been writing fic. alas.#really I don't think any of the hells are gonna be able to just. gloss over the casualties of it all. but especially mog and ashton and lau#tal has even already said that downfall made some things better for ash and some things Worse so I know I'm not too far off#I have. many many thought on how laudna will see it all too.#truly think she is going to be the most vocally horrified
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manfredthewarden · 1 month ago
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i think solavellan appeals to me as an aromantic person because i tend to be drawn to more fantastical, larger than life love stories that aren't realistic. lavellan falls in love with her own god without knowing it. that's so cool. they don't get a traditional happy ending where they settle down somewhere in the status quo. they do get a bittersweet kind of happy ending with a million possibilities. they go together to an impossible place where time doesn't exist and yeah it might all go horribly but i find it so appealing.
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gingermintpepper · 3 months ago
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Day 3: Asclepius
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Interpretation notes and trivia under the cut!!
Woo boy, this guy was another difficult character to settle on both a design and an interpretation for! Asclepius tends to have two big schools of thought for his tale, either he's the tragic doctor who resorted to illicit methods in order to save his patients or he's a strict scientist who was so skilled at his art that his resuscitations were called magic but were just science. I don't actually mind either interpretation, but due to the way I personally see Coronis and the way I chose to interpret Asclepius' birth story, I chose to focus on a different facet of Asclepius; Asclepius the family man. The theme of geneology and the inheritance of 'curses' through blood and birth is one that permeates this work and Asclepius, in a lot of ways, has not only inherited both his mother and father's banes but his actions and talents create new ones for his children. Throughout this, and all the many messy crimes Asclepius will commit in the name of what he thinks is necessary and right, he will willfully ignore the warning signs staring him dead in his face screaming that he will leave the burden of his work to his children and it will be easy. After all, Asclepius has made a career out of ignoring his own father's warnings and cautions, what are a few more red flags to ignore?
Less of a character note and more of a personal thing, but for a very long time I used his teenaged design when sketching out scenes and ideas but after tidying up my timeline, I realised that he would be an older man throughout the events of the story!! Since he's properly mortal, he would have to look his age and while that was slightly intimidating since I've not drawn many older characters, it also made me very excited since characters in the 40+ age range are rarely protagonists of these sorts of adventure/fantasy stories and working in the physical differences between him and his brothers was extremely fun!
Some fun trivia:
Youngest of Apollo's children currently alive and kicking. Maybe it was because Apollo so intensely regretted the way he dealt with Coronis but he doted endlessly on Asclepius and essentially personally oversaw his education and training. Because of this, Asclepius, without a doubt, is the child with the best relationship with Apollo between the brothers and believes unfalteringly in his father even if they have many practical and philosophical differences.
Has a bit of a sixth sense when it comes to necromancy and communing with the dead and spirits beneath the earth. Because he was rescued from the torch of death when he was babe, he has retained a connection with the chthonic. While he cannot exactly see figures like Thanatos or Hermes, he can certainly sense when they are afoot. Is very aware that Thanatos cannot stand him and expects to be taken by Ker when he does finally die.
Always keeps gold coins on him on the off chance he is spontaneously struck down while doing research or healing some previously unhealable disease. His father, upon realising that his warnings would be thoroughly ignored, pleaded for him to do at least that since after Asclepius is dead, Apollo would be unable to intercede for him.
Happily married and has four children! His eldest Machaon chose to follow his footsteps and became a gifted surgeon in his own right while his second eldest Iaso chose to follow her mother's footsteps and become more of a nurse than a doctor. He's endlessly proud of all of his children and hopes his research makes the world a better place for them.
Was recognised by Apollo at 15 and became Doctor Laureate at 17. Lost said laurels at 22 after he revived his second corpse from the dead and since then has been on a strict probation when practicing his medicine. Has a mark on his left wrist that will fill itself out if he commits such an atrocity again and then he will be marked for death and supposedly tormented until he forfeits his soul.
On very good terms with Orpheus and the two often work together and catch up when they happen to meet up while travelling. Never knew Eurydice but he gets the feeling that he would've really liked her.
Despite being a son of Apollo, has absolutely zero musical talent and cannot dance. He can't maintain his hair either and would've cut it multiple times over if Apollo himself didn't stop him and chastise him for even thinking about such a thing. Epione does his hair. The little braids in his beard are courtesy of the twins Hygiea and Panacea who enjoy putting little braids in anything they can get their hands on.
Doesn't resemble his father or his mother actually! The relative he resembles most is his paternal grandfather Zeus, a fact that gives his wife endless grief because his hair is thick but not curly, a trait she covets. Asclepius having thick body and facial hair was also very awkward considering Apollo is incapable of growing body hair and, for a while, his lack of curls and cascade of body hair when Asclepius started puberty made Apollo doubt whether Asclepius was truly his or if he had saved Ischys' child instead.
Has zero self preservation and will hunt monsters and creatures for their blood, teeth, claws and hides for his medicines. Like his father, he has a personal 'wall of horrors' where he stores everything from gorgon blood to pegasus feathers to hydra venom. Sometimes gods in the guise of men will simply give him precious materials because they know Asclepius is the one who will take their unsolveable cases in the face of disaster. It is a very risky exchange and has only barely skirted by Zeus' notice because actual money hasn't been exchanged (yet).
Preferred weapon is the scalpel and doesn't like fighting humans. Has a fire-retardant mantle made from chimera skin Apollo gave him when he was a child that doubles as a very good shield in a pinch.
Favourite colour is withy purple and his favourite food is goat butter spread on bread and topped with celery, tomatoes and olive oil. Has a lot of snake themed jewellry that he's passed on to his son because he thinks they're too gaudy for his old self to be wearing.
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dykedvonte · 2 months ago
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Ty for answering my asks! Recently, I saw some fanart of the gender bendered crew and it got me curios, how much would the plot change if Jimmy was a woman. I mean, she would still be emotionally abusive (esp to Fem!Curly), but at lest, I guess, the crash would've never happened (?)
Also, her relationship w/ Anya: if she was assulted still, it prolly would've been dissmissed, since it's between 2 women. Or, if Anya is male in this scenario, he couldn't really be able to talk abt it, since society decided that "women can't r*pe men", so it's not serious and he should suck it up. Man, it's just sucks to be Anya in any scenario my poor girl 😭
What do you think? If you have an opinion on that at all, that is
-💀
I think the scenario's where the gender was flipped or any level of gender based intersectionality is expanded makes it so much more complex.
If this is the scenario with fem!Jimmy, it comes with the territory of questionable internalized homophobia. Does Jimmy brush it off in this scenario because she doesn't think lesbian encounters are real ones? Is she struggling with her identity and taking it out on Anya who may be openly queer compared a fem!Curly who is either straight or just not interested in Jimmy? Perhaps it's a sort of weird entitled that can occur in female dominated spaces "We're both girls, I know what you have, it won't matter." It's still is something I don't see Jimmy denying in this scenario, he never really denies it in canon just talks around it with Curly. Here I can see it's less about the pregnancy and more so about the internalized homophobia. Not seeing Anya as anything but an unwanted aspect of her femineity and the allure of it, there's a lot more objectification of both Curly and Anya in this alteration as I would believe feels better thinking of them in that light if they are just fodder in her mind. Guilty pleasures that no longer bring her such. It's a careful situation because I don't want this to fall into predatory lesbian stereotyping, Jimmy is just a person who does not respect other people or their choice, if it conflict with what he wants or perceived is owed.
The idea of Curly having to report it and outing her not only as a rapist but queer and the denial, especially in the case Anya and Curly are both out as she feels a sort of resentment she can't be secure with herself that way. If it is masc!Curly, there could be the jealousy of him being able to actively pursue relationships he wants while she feels she can't, Anya and Curly playfully flirt, its casual but it's something she longs for in the same way she doesn't. She obsesses over Curly because she wishes she could be Curly in a social sense in both aspect male or female Curly.
If it's fem!Jimmy and masc!Anya? It's a much more delicate situation. In this scenario Jimmy gets pregnant. Maybe Anya does a blood test after the incident and finds out Jimmy is pregnant. It's a very sensitive matter because if it's fem!Curly her first assumption is Anya may have done something. That is just the immediate assumptions in cases like this. I think the fact that Anya is telling her would make Curly think it's not that simple, especially since Jimmy isn't brining it up or really caring but everyone reacts differently. Jimmy is pregnant however, and that's a big deal, she'll figure that out eventually on her own but how will she react? Curly knows it won't be good, Anya knows too.
I think the crash is instigated in this scenerio by fem!Curly actually doing more, refusing to sweep it under the rug because she can conceptualize that fear, likely she and Jimmy are the only girls on board. She trusts everyone, well did trust everyone, but it's just something you live with. She can't just live with that double standard but I feel like she really doesn't know how to address it. How does she bring it up to superiors without implicating Anya? What does she do with Jimmy, it still feels like she's catering to Jimmy but now the concern is primarily focused on the life this baby will be born into. If it is born at all. I don't think Jimmy would try to kill Anya in this concept but try to spin the narrative it was mutual up until she got pregnant. Curly doesn't really buy it but it's a lot of processing, a lot more he said she said but what Jimmy is saying just doesn't make sense. It gives Jimmy too much time to really settle with the fact she's pregnant and likely can't support a kid nor wants to give birth out in space. Jimmy feeling like she's being othered from the only other woman could also be a factor, maybe even starting into her thinking Curly is behaving like a "pick-me" for siding with a guy over her. The crash is more spiteful in terms of having to protect herself alone, due to Curly not outright supporting her delusions.
It really adds a certain horror to Jimmy's pregnancy hallucinations because after the crash they are about her, her symptoms the sign of showing. She doesn't want the child either and considering what being pregnant can do to your mental/physical state, especially some of the more negative symptoms, I doubt she is handling it well. A lot of Anya's struggles are with the stigmas around male victims. His body reacted so did he want it? He's gonna be a father and courts likely will make him pay or care for the baby even if they take Anya's side, their world is just like that. Would the other's blame him for not doing more, he is a man after all? Should he be considered lucky a woman was that into him? It's eating away at him because not only does he not feel safe, he actively blames himself.
In the case Curly is still a cis guy, its that weird feeling guys often get when talking about male victims of assault. I don't think he'd victim blame but he likely asks or thinks about how it could've happened, why wouldn't Anya just overpower Jimmy? Maybe he couldn't? Maybe Anya didn't have it in him to strike a woman. He wouldn't. Now he thinks of what he would have done if Jimmy did something like that to him. SImilary to my trans!Curly post, he's wondering if it could've been him. It's likely one of the first times in his life he has to think of that type of vulnerability in terms of himself and other men and against likely his girl best friend. I think that arm pat right before Jimmy crashes the ship would really make him feel weird, not like he'd have the time to really dig into those feeling but y'know WERE GONNA CRASH!!!.
In terms of Jimmy and Curly's specific relationship, it just gets messier if they aren't both guys or girls. There's a lot of misogny on Jimmy's side with fem!Curly. He often points out she's a woman captain or makes a point of her being one of the few independent woman in her field and how certain men hate that. It's insidious but Curly doesn't think about or like to cause she likes to believe Jimmy isn't one of those guys. He can be a bit antiquated, maybe a bit of a pig but no ones perfect! Here a lot of his resentment is more gear toward a woman having that power over him as Captain/filling the typical male roles he fails at. He can't stand that she's above him in almost aspect and he likely takes it out on other women. Similarly, fem!Jimmy and cis Curly is just as bad. It's a fact of not knowing if she wants to be him, wants him or wants to destroy him. It's obsession without anything positive. She feels entitled to his space and life and time and he has a hard time setting up boundaries cause, well, Jimmy's a girl, his bestfriend and it comes with all the stigmas around boygirl best friends. To him it's a sort of oppressive doting, he feels wrong telling her not to pick and like he's being controlling. That's how she'd spin it whenever he'd try to make boundaries with her.
They are still just friends but most people can't tell even if they can tell it's not healthy, in both cases. Either way I feel like if they were opposite genders to each other there would a specific infatuation Jimmy would have with Curly that would be less hidden but sort of unaddressed because the idea of Curly rejecting them would make them lash out in a way Curly may just leave for their safety. It's also Jimmy wouldn't want to be with Curly specifically but just want what would consistently provide/available.
If they are both girls, its envy. It's that sort of hate that someone fits the standards you don't, wanting them to be picked second or crack. She likes to get into Curly's head, point out flaws and act like it's just her being helpful. She wants Curly to be a girls girl but only for her. There's a sort of possessiveness like purposely jeopardizing relationships because why would a man come first? That girl hates me and is a pick me, why are you friends with her still, Curly? Like this is silly but think about how Regina George treats Gretchen Wieners and that's effectively how fem!Curly and fem!Jimmy would work but technically Curly has the sway of Regina.
I believe the crash would always happen. Jimmy would try to escape responsibility or really thinking about what they did in any world, any gender. It's about facing the consequences, losing things he refuses to let go of or having to deal with responsibilities he's not ready for. The switching of sex or gender really doesn't change those core aspects.
#this is long cause theres so many ideas to play with here and how jimmy and Curly would work but the specifc things happening with Anya#like if she wasnt pregnant thats a relief but its the sort of situation where she has to think about her own sexuality in the scenerio shes#queer and how Jimmy affect her. Its addressing it with Curly who may get it but maybe she gets it too much maybe its hard to hear about Jim#cause for all she knew Jimmy was straight and now she has to think of all the odd conversations and nights they shared beds and maybe#feelings she had but she has to focus on putting Anya first but what does she do? Outing someone is bad but this can be dismmised?#Would the pony express just punish both anya and jimmy and curly what if theres a dont ask dont tell policy? what if they dont care cause#they are all women. its not an issue if its just girls not getting along after “experimenting”. Back to male Anya and female Jimmy they wil#assume it was consensual and anya just doesnt want the kid often that is pushed on male rape narratives. Jimmy is pregnant and on edge#does Curly also have to factor in the child? I feel like the feast scene would be Jimmy delusionally thinking Curly is helping support the#child i mean he is the most well off the bread winner he puts food on the table he is the food! Would polle being Anya talk about how Jimmy#doesnt have it in her to foster a child to support one emotionally without damage? Why so focused on making Curly the idealized male#or provider in her life when she went after him? For female Curly is it envy that she did this to herself and Curly has even more prospects#than her now? What if Anya was fawning because he didn't want the kid but hated the idea of Jimmy killing it to spite him? Or perhaps using#it as a means of control because even if he doesn't want it i doubt he wants it to be punished or abused. It is a burden something no one#wanted but it is being fostered five months in and Jimmys showing a bump and Anya cant ignore all the implications of it being born to her#maybe he kills himself to avoid living in a world its subjected to that pain to to save himself from it. GOD the pills with Curly are worse#for male Anya fem!Curly because its so much more direct he cant shove something down a womans throat who is clearly unwilling it makes#him feel like Jimmy to watch her struggle against him and he cant do it and with Jimmy it is so much more direct about a mother feeding#theri child and abusing it like the nuance if any gender flipping was canon would tear this fandom apart now imma thinking crazy about this#thanks skull anon like really ur asks get me thinking#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#💀 anon#ask#curly mouthwashing#jimmy mouthwashing#captain curly#nurse anya#anya mouthwashing
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angelmush · 5 months ago
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the other day i walked around the golden lake w my love and the sun was setting hot and orange and we watched a brown duck preening through the weeds, ducking her head under the dark water. the cool lake swallowed up my tired feet to the ankles and we counted the dog walkers with their curly panting doodles and their handsome german shepherds and their whip smart little terriers and we admired the careful construction of a sand castle whose moat held determinedly against the lapping of the waves. we could feel in our chests the persistent thunderous thumping of celebratory music at the finish line of the lakeside 5k, welcoming each gasping runner across its bounds. and i felt like crying. i felt like curling into myself and crying. we walked through the swamp of the bird sanctuary afterwards and listened to the woods sing and croak and groan and then we went and got ube and yuzu gelato and devoured it suntired and sweating on the couch in our living room. and i was so overcome w a deep and true unshakeable happiness and a sort of confused grief that i wanted to sob and sob and sob.
#i am so happy for the first time in my entire life#a consistent and true joyfulness#i am in love w my life#i want to stick around to see it#and i mean that w my entire being for the first time in my whole life#and to say that means confronting the first 24 years of my life where that wasn’t true#where i was miserable and heartbroken and unkind and dishonest and cruel#and i didn’t want to be alive#even when i was doing well i still didn’t want to be alive#for 24 years.#i had no fucking idea being alive could be so easy. i had no idea.#i want to hold myself and tell them i want to wrap myself up and say it will be BETTER#it will be so so far from perfect but it will be so so good you just have to hold on#i am so happy but i am mourning#i don’t know how to articulate it at all i just feel#happy but grieving#i LOVE this new city we live in i LOVE it here#i like my job enough to stand it for enough hours a week to get by#i have the time and the energy to throw myself into hobbies like knitting and cooking#i watch one or two good movies a week#i eat delicious food i’ve made and from restaurants we want to try#i’m IN LOVE. with my girlfriend in a way that’s so overwhelming and unlike anything i’ve ever felt that words don’t do it justice#i have friends who are gentle and patient with me when it’s hard for me to reach out#i am fighting agoraphobia tooth and fucking nail and i’m seeing the world and experiencing it#i laugh every day!!!! every single day!!!!#i have a goofy wonderful dog and an incredibly sweet cat#i talk to my baby brother all the time and he tells me he loves me and he’s graduating college soon and i’m so fucking proud#i wish i would’ve known how good it would all become#i wish i could’ve known#personal
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necrotic-nephilim · 4 months ago
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Do you have any fucked up babscass headcanons? This is vaguely for the ask game but I’m curious. I’ve also had a vision of dick being drawn into their dubiously consensual mommy kink thing, probably unwillingly. I just love the idea of babs being her teacher for everything normal, like yes on some level it is grooming but cass knows everyone’s intentions automatically, could babs really make her do anything she didn’t want to do?
for the ask game!
GOD YES. i love BabsCass. just. so dearly. they're so fucked up. and adding Dick to the mix is *also* so so fun. the concepts of how consent plays into it all when Cass knows everyone's intentions and feelings (sometimes before they themselves do) but Babs still holding clear power over Cass and how vulnerable Cass is emotionally it's just. good soup i tell you.
so, i think it's fun, if in a way, Babs has always been slightly jealous of Bruce. after becoming Oracle by means out of her control, she works with other heroes sure, but she doesn't have a protege. she watched with Dick and Bruce, how close of a bond Batman and Robin is. how Bruce got to shape and mold Dick into the hero he's become and the reverence Dick has for Bruce. there's such a nuance to that relationship, and Babs wants it for herself. the first person to carry on the Batgirl torch is Helena, something she violently disapproves of. so for her to give Batgirl to Cass, that's significant. it's both a sign of acceptance, and a sign of ownership. it's basically her way of saying to Bruce "this one's mine." and thus, their relationship reflects it. because it's easy to seak out a close bond with Cass, who's never had anyone show her love and affection with no strings. Babs' love is unconditional. and Cass wants to bury herself in it. she knows it's romantic and possibly sexual, but Babs doesn't sexualize Cass the way men do. there's no leering comments or objectification. Babs is kind and respectful, so Cass doesn't mind. she even leans into it. there's something nice in being appreciate for something other than how good of a weapon she makes. and Babs' touch is just. something Cass craves. Babs wants to respect boundaries, but Cass is practically crawling into her lap after certain rough missions, just for the companionship.
i think it's fun if the mommy kink starts with Cass. sure, Babs has been carefully guiding Cass toward being comfortable with sexual things. Cass is regularly naked around Babs with no problem, she lets Babs touch her anywhere. but it's when Babs is holding Cass that Cass talks about how she doesn't know who her mother is and she wishes she knew what having a mother felt like. and sure, Cass knows that Babs isn't entirely motherly. not when her hand is resting inside of Cass' pants at that very moment. but this is the closest thing she has. i enjoy the idea of Cass knowing that this isn't normal. sure, she doesn't fully understand relationships, but she knows mother/daughter and dating are different. but it's a two birds one stone kind of thing. she's so convinced she's not going to find enough people to love her to fill all the "roles" in her life, why not combine the two. after all, Dick and Bruce are doing it. so when Cass brings it up, Babs lets Cass call her mommy. it's a soothing thing, more than a kink thing. and it delightfully plays into Babs' hand for how she wants to groom Cass, giving her more control and trust over Cass. it's easy to get Cass to side with her instead of Bruce when she just has to stroke Cass' hair and praise her whenever she does what Babs want. Cass is so used to negative reinforcement that she'll take any kind of positive reinforcement, even if she knows it's slightly manipulative. sometimes, what matters to her the most is just that someone wants to protect and take care of her in the first place.
i love the idea of Dick getting dragged in unwillingly so much. Cass has very high standards for what a mentor/partner/mother figure should look like because of how reverently Babs treats her. and Cass is known for being critical of Bruce's methods. so when Bruce is particularly cruel to Dick, or that have a nasty argument that Cass witnesses and Bruce possibly even hits Dick, that's when Dick gets dragged in. it starts with Babs inviting him to just eat dinner and chill out with Babs and Cass in the Clocktower. then he's being invited to stay the night more and more often so he doesn't have to crash at Wayne Manor when he's in Gotham. the first time he wakes up with Cass sleeping next to him, he doesn't comment on it. he knows what it's like to be so tired you just crash on the nearest bed. it's when he notices that he's being more and more separated from Bruce, that Dick starts to notice something is off. he's never commented on what's going on between Babs and Cass bc well, he's one to talk. but now he's caught between them. Cass and Babs don't even have to talk, they just wordlessly know they're on the same page about bringing Dick into the fold. for Cass, it's genuinely to protect him. she's happy with Babs, and she wants Dick to feel happy in that way too, with someone who's not as emotionally closed off as Bruce. and Cass just wants as many close relationships as she can get. and for Babs, there is genuine attraction there. she and Dick almost flirted with dating before, and nows her chance to have him and finally beat Bruce. and as unwilling as Dick is, it's hard to say no when they're being so gentle with him. he keeps telling himself he's going to set hard boundaries and tell them no, eventually. but Babs has the manipulation down pat, and Cass is so gentle and loving, Dick just gets swept in too deep. they both know he's unwillingly, but to Cass, that's just how love works. you have to be talked into it sometimes because you don't realize you deserve it.
Babs teaching Cass about sex my *beloved*. first, it's just Cass and Babs. Babs showing Cass how she can feel good, how she can make Babs feel good. but now with Dick, they have a whole new person for Babs to see to teach Cass about sex. Dick has to be talked into it by Babs, who paints it as a learning opportunity for Cass. I just. I love throuple dynamics where one person is basically being used as a toy for the dom to tell the third person to use, and that fits them so well. Dick is just a toy, a prop basically. and Babs is guiding Cass through it, teaching her how to make Dick feel good, how to ride him. I like the idea of Babs edging both of them until she feels like Cass has "learned" enough. which is clearly just part of the kink, corrupting Cass. and they all know it, but it's an unspoken thing. even more fun if Babs gives Cass some token form of control, letting Cass control when Dick can come. and to Cass, edging is a natural part of sex, so she also tortures Dick like that, bringing him to the edge and holding him there no matter how much he begs. sometimes, Dick just watches Cass and Babs have sex and learns what they like through that. he learns Babs is a sadist, but she has to be careful with it. Cass views pain strictly as a very negative punishment and the last thing Babs wants to do is lose the trust she has built up with Cass. so she avoids pain for the longest time. it's Dick who notices Babs itching to hurt someone, so to make sure it's not Cass, Dick offers himself. and Cass watches as Babs hurts Dick, and Dick *likes* it. maybe impact play, maybe some CBT, that sort of stuff, just testing the waters of how far Babs can take it with Dick. it makes Cass curious enough to try it, both sadism and masochism. she finds it takes a lot for her to enjoy masochism, but in the right applications, it's nice. there's something about letting herself feel pain, which she was never allowed before. pain is something to be compartmentalized and worked through. so there's something nice about turning her brain off and just feeling. especially if she's being hurt while she's in Babs or Dick's arms, bc she knows she's safe. both of them have become her safe space to explore new things during sex.
eventually, Dick comes to mostly accept being part of the relationship. he realizes he's in too deep when Cass casually calls him her boyfriend in front of Bruce just to make Bruce stutter. they're all adults, so it's not something Bruce can fight too hard. and Dick does have to admit, Cass has a point. there's far less arguing and fighting in this relationship. the grooming practically works better on Dick than it did Cass, bc now he's just accepted it and is going along with everything. he starts initiating sex, with either of them separately or together, just bc he likes giving up control to them. he likes the way Cass is gentle when she's domming, taking control from him without even asking and just taking care of him. and when Babs is in control, she's a little meaner, a bit rougher, but sometimes, he needs that too. sometimes he just likes to watch the two of them, see Cass call Babs mommy while she's crying and begging for anything. it's carnal and just fascinating to watch, even if he doesn't get off to it. seeing how much they love each other and how much they love him makes his head spin, because being with Bruce was nothing like this. Bruce rarely talks about his feelings, rarely said he loved Dick. meanwhile Cass and Babs will say it about a dozen times a day. maybe it's manipulative, but they make it sound so genuine, he can't bring himself to care. and Cass is pleased Dick is finally giving him, letting himself be loved. Babs is pleased to have control of both Dick and Cass. all of them are getting something out of it so really, what's there to complain about?
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Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.
I don't have external meltdowns.
I could. I don't let it happen.
I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.
So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.
She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.
Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].
It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.
They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.
I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.
I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.
I couldn't understand what made her like this.
But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.
If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.
And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*
And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?
My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.
Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???
And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.
I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*
She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.
I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.
So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.
But I told her hundreds of times.
I probably should have just screamed at her.
#good stay out of our yard' and he didn't seem to know what to say to that#but other than that I don't think anyone in my adult life has ever seen me turn aggressive at all to the point where people 100% like to#play games of testing my patience and my boundaries because they think my tolerance is infinite#but like I have autistic rage tantrums on both sides of my family and they are just happening inside my head#And somehow it took me until now to realize that being that way was actually -expected- of me by my parents and especially my mother#and that by keeping myself outwardly level headed to be considerate I actually took away whatever signals she can understand#to have empathy for how I must be feeling#I mean it's still all on her#but it makes so much sense of why she's fucking *like this*#And why my sister thinks I hate her just because -she- stopped texting -me-#but that fucking guy#Every time I was like#In my adult life I have screamed at someone ONE whole time and it was 1000% deserved#And I threw heavy objects around one whole other time and in my defense I didn't do it in front of the guy he just felt the ground shaking#heard the thuds and came back to the logs blocking his path because that fucker wouldn't stop parking in our yard after being asked#and then TOLD not to about 10 times because he was acting entitled to just park in our yard and was crushing my plants???#seriously I don't know what his deal was but he wouldn't stop telling me how much the ground shaking scared him like it was supposed#to get my pity like I think this guy took one look at the logs I had just tossed down and was suddenly afraid of this “woman” he was#bullying in their own yard and so my ability to feel bad for scaring him had gone straight out the fucking window#I looked at him and said stop parking in our yard instead of your own you are killing my plants#he'd just fucking be like 'well the last people to live here let us D: :)“ and I'd be like ”good for them?“ ”stop“#and he'd just keep doing it#I was having a week of insomnia and was finally having the best dream#the kind of sex dream you have like twice in your life#and this fucker had just gotten some noisy ass little bike with a spoiler on it#and starts it up right under my window at 3am from IN OUR FUCKING YARD#so I had a nice long anger nap and just after he got home from work and was sleeping in his house#I picked up these chunks of deadwood tree from the back#there was like 3-4 logs that used to be a WHOLEASS fucking oak tree Like these logs were not as heavy as they -looked- but they were still#this fucker deleted half the tags I wrote and I am not retyping that fuck you tumblr so fucking hard
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