#well mostly platonically

[toffeebrews]

epic...color.....something something

[canisalbus]

Trying to figure out modern Ludovica.

[ancha-aus]

RealAgeAU Drabble - Static

This is a drabble I have been planning for a while and I finally know how I want to write it :3

Are you ready?

First Drabble here (with original prompt by @spotaus ) Prev Drabble here Next Drabble here

You see.... there was still something that hadden been addressed :3 Something about how Dust was dealing with the pressure and looks and backstory he has to follow :3

No beta and no edit. (also it is a big boy woops)

Timeline is that Nightmare was deaged like 4 months ago. One month in farmtale

*---------------*

Cross isn't sure how to deal with the tension in the air.

The bickering between Killer and Dust isn't making it any better.

Okay, Cross has got to be honest. It is much as much bickering as it is Killer being annoying and Dust trying to ignore him.

It had started this morning wiht Dust being more anti-social than usual. Easy to note by the fact that he had darkened the inside of his hoody.

Dust hadn't said a single word the whole day even as he went through the motions perfectly.

Cross is enver sure how to help in these moments. The moments which Horror once explained where most likely the times when the maybe ghost maybe hallucination of Dust's brother were extra loud.

Cross isn't even sure what that situation is. He asked everyone but Dust about it and no one really knows for sure if the Papyrus haunting Dust is actually a ghost. Or if it is a hallucination made of his own guilt. From what Cross heard from the others Dust isn't sure either.

The fact remains. They had tried to help in the ways they usually do. Cross tried to stay near in case he wanted something but mostly kept quiet. Cross tried to be a quiet reminder that Dust isn't alone and isn't whereever he was before.

Horror makes Dust's favourites and gently bullies him into eating and taking care of himself.

Killer tries to distract him.

Killer's tactis either goes very well or very wrong. At least Cross has been told that.

Cross has seen the two fight obviously but as soon as one manages to down the other the fight ends. The winner will be smug in their own way, Killer by loudly proclaiming victory while Dust will just have this smug little smile on his face.

The first time they just tackled one another to fight Cross had been worried. But after getting Horror and asking him what to do he had reassured Cross that this was just something the two did. For Dust it helps unload some of his large magic levels and overcharge and for Killer... welll Horror isn't sure about Killer, he assumes Killer just likes fighting or the attention with fighting.

Cross watches as Killer hangs all over Dust and yaps away about something. Cross can see that the fork Dust is holding is slowly but surely starting to curve under the pressure of Dust's phalanges.

Cross can see that Crop is a lot more nervous as he looks between the two worried before looking at Horror. Horror shrugs at the unspoken question.

Cross turns to check on Nightmare and sees him looking at the two with a frown. Cross grins and nudges him "No need to frown. Just them being silly again." he smiles.

Nightmare looks at him before looking back at the two. The frown not leaving "no... it isn't."

Cross is immediantly more worried, and he already was worried! He studies the two and notices that Dust is breathing very shallowly. Cross looks at Horror and signs it quickly to him.

Horror has a look of alarm on his face before slowly, and very carefully, inching closer "Come on Killer. That is enough. Not in the kitchen."

Killer grins cheerfully, completely unaware of the ticking timebomb he is hanging over "oooooh! here comes your knight in shining armour Dusty!"

Dust's fist twitches and Cross can see the fork fold over completely. Oh no.

Killer continues on as he leans on the other "Princess Dusty, getting saved and needing protection-"

And Killer flies over the table right into the stone wall, leaving large cracks on it. Dust follows two seconds after and punches him straight on the face.

Horror gets to Dust and tries to pull him off only to be turned blue and pushed away. Horror manages to fight the force but is still pushed away.

Cross doesn't think as he grabs Nightmare and backs up against the wall on the other side of the room. Even as Nightmare makes an unhappy noise and reaches for Dust. Nope! Not save right now!

Dust stands there panting heavily as mana and magic crack like electricity over him. Fuck. He is overcharged with magic. Fuck they are idiots to not realise that was going to happen soon. Fuck fuck fuck.

Horror somehow still looks calm even with the two different coloured eye lights staring straight at him from under the dark hood. "It is okay... we just ened to go out and-"

Dust huffs "Don't fucking bother." he sounds furious. He glances around the room and looks into Cross's direction for a moment. Dust looks away with a flinch and he is out of the room.

The front door slams shut.

Horror is by Killer as he helps him up. Killer groans as he rubs his skull "okay... maybe i was pushing it... again."

Horror gives him a 'no shit' look before checking his wounds.

Cross glances at Crop who had backed out of the kitchen and now inches back in "is everyone okay? what... waht was that?!" he waves at the front door.

Horror sighs as he rubs his skull "Overcharge... Dust has a lot of LV, EXP, magic and mana. Even with his buffed stats it gets a lot and he needs to release the steam or well... it goes off." he glances around "Sorry for your kitchen..."

Crop nods as he looks at the frontdoor "is it... safe for him?"

Horror nods as he looks into the same direction "It is... just dumb i forgot he would need to discharge...." he sighs.

Killer groans as he gets up "We all forgot. We have been busy and well... I think Dusty forgot as well."

A tug on his sleeve and Cross looks down at Nightmare. Nightmare just looks at him "Can I go to Dust?"

Cross feels panicked "no?! Just let him discharge Nightmare. You know he will be fine."

Nightmare shakes his skull as he looks at the frontdoor "It seemed different... I can't explain." a frown on his face of frustration.

Cross frowns as he looks at Horror and Killer. They share looks before moving towards the front door.

A loud boom of thunder and they open it to stare.

A large vortext of pure black clouds with purple lightning. SLowly but surely swirling to somewhere above the fields.

Crop whistles "Well then... I never saw that much magic before." he frowns and points "That normal?"

Cross follows the direction as he sees small zaps and static all in the air, all that same purple colour.

Killer shakes his skull "No that isn't normal... fuck I need to apologise..." he rubs his skull before quickly looking at Nightmare "don't repeat that." Nightmare shoots him an annoyed look.

Killer grins back before walking towards the stairs of the porch with purpose. only to get zapped as soon as he gets off the wood. Killer yelps and rushes back to stand behind Horror. glaring at the air "Rude! What the hell Dusty!"

horror frowns at him "hurt?"

Killer shakes his skull "More like a tiny zap when you are like static and stuff." he frowns and looks at the air "Though i don't know how that will be once that gets worse..."

Cross frowns as he follows Killer's sight. Cross can admit he is also worried. if this gets much worse it can spell very bad news.. not to forget that it has never been this bad before... Is this just what happened if they don't help him remember to discharge in time? Is Dust even okay with this much pressure and magic going on?

Cross frowns as he hands Nightmare to Horror "You guys stay here. Help Crop with the kitchen and keep Ngihtmare safe." just in case.

Ngihtmare glares as he is put down "I am safe!"

Cross nods and stares at Killer and Horror "I am going to go to help and try to get him to calm down and discharge safely." a spar usually works best.

Horror frowns as he shakes his skull "I will just come back if it goes wrong."

Cross shoots him a look "I got better stats and have the endurance to keep dodging to get through the worst. Killer has a straight up bullseye by his sternum and he annoyed Dust already. YOu may come back but do you really want to do that to Dust?" Horror frowns but nods his agreement. Cross nods himself "just keep an eye on Nightmare and-"

"See? Perfectly safe."

They all turn only to stare. Becuase Nightmare is just standing off of the porch. in the middle of the static. But nothing happens. the static follows along his body but never zaps him. Nightmare looks unamused "I will go to dusty and fix this."

Cross shakes his skull as he gets off the porch. Fuck the zapping is almost constant. He gets ot Nightmare and picking him up gives him a much much much larger and slightly painful zap. Cross breaths through it "No. You are going to stay here and wait. This is our mess so we will fix it ourselves." he nuzzles the small skull "We got this."

Nightmare looks unhappy to doesn't fight being handing back to Horror, Horror flinches at the zap but takes it in stride.

Cross nods to the others and goes into the direction of the large vortex of clouds.

The zapping is honestly just annoying. It helps that Cross can see none of his HP dropping even as he gets closer and closer.

He ends up finding Dust in the wheat field, well in a circle of completely vaporized wheat. the current and magic having turned the plants and part of the ground into ash. Dust just stands there. muttering as crackles of lighting go all along his body.

Cross gulps before stealing himself "Hey Dust!"

Dust freezes. Okay! Good news! Dust can still hear him! not too far gone!

Cross smiles and feels a bit braver "sorry we didn't realise... want to spar? Blow off a bit of steam?"

Dust tilts his skull but nothing. okay wait! Cross knows what this means!

Cross speaks louder "don't listen to whatever he says!" Dust doesn't react. Cross takes a step closer "please. whatever he says it isn't true or real oaky? Or at least not the full truth and-"

Dust chuckles and stares at him "What? Think i ened fucking protection from him?"

Cross blinks and opens and clsoes his mouth. Not sure what to say "I... euh... maybe?" is this a trick question?

Dust looks displeased by his answer. That is fair Cross couldn't commit to either answer. Dust huffs "Don't fucking bother. I am fine."

Cross frowns and feels braver again. No time for self doubt. Dust needs his help. Cross steps clsoer "You aren't fine."

Dust glares back at him "I am fine!" crackles and the ring of vaporized wheat grows bigger. Oh man Cross hopes Crop won't lose too much money thanks to that.

Cross gulps but keeps going closer "It is okay Dust... If it hurts i can heal you!" his healing is weak but he can still heal! "We just need to get you to use some magic and-"

Dust snaps "You want to see fucking magic!" and it crackles loudly as a snap of lightning crashed just by Dust's feet. Cross yelps and feels afraid it did damage but Dust seems fine even as the energy from the lightning travels through the ground. A loud whine of magic nad Cross sees an overgrown blaster right by Dust's shoulder.

Dust hisses "leave. me. alone."

The blaster blasts and Cross dodges. After the dodge Cross actually feels reassured.

You see?

If Dust wants to hit you. He will hit you. The fact he gave Cross enough time to get ready to dodge and didn't change the direction of the beam to still hit him gives Cross hope.

Cross glares back "I am not leaving." not again. He is not giving up on them again.

Dust glares as more blasters appear "You think I won't do it?! You think I am fucking weak?!"

...Weak?

Cross blinks "No? You are like one of the strongest mosnters I know..." Cross has seen Dust fight Ink 1v1 and win. Dust weak? Why would he ever think that? Who would ever think that?

Dust laughs and more crackles in the air as the static grows. Dust's face becomes visible and he smiles sharply at him "That is quite a different answer than you gave before!"

before? When?! Cross never said Dust was weak!

Cross doesn't really have a chance to dodge. Because even if Dust gives him time to see the attacks coming Cross sitll has to dodge them himself.

Dust growls as he charges more attacks "Helpless? Weak? Useless? come on! You can tell me! I already figured it out anyway! With the endless hovering and shadowing!" another blast.

It clicks.

They are fucking idiots!

Cross looks at him panicked "It is just an backstory!" Dust had said no. They still pushed and he had been unhappy wiht it.

They thought it was fine.

But then again. It isn't Cross who has to deal with it with every interaction he has...

Shit. They are assholes.

Cross barely dodges another blast and Dust frowns a tiny bit. He pulls his arm a bit back and a few blasters hold their fire "Well?! Still weak?! Still useless!?"

Cross needs to do something.

And well, the answer is obvious.

Cross gets ready for his sprint. He needs all the speed he can get. Dust sees him hold his own run and rolls his eye lights before shooting at him with a sneer on his face.

Cross runs straight at Dust, straight at the blast. Dust's sockets and eye lights widen and he has to pull hard at his own magic. the air crackles angerly as the blast changes directions just before it hits Cross.

Cross gets right up into Dust's personal space and locks his arms around the other.

Dust snarls and tries to free himself but Cross has more physical strenght than he has and Cross has a good hold on him with locking his arms to his side.

Dust screams and wiggles "Let me go!"

Cross shakes his skull and pushes close to the other "No. I am not letting go of you." not of you. not of nightmare. not of the others. No. He isn't letting go.

Struggling and more screaming. Blasters going off but without his arms he can't aim them right. Dust goes as far as trying to kick, scratch and even bite him but Cross just keeps holding on. Refusing to give up or give in.

The storm around them calms slowly and eventually Dust goes lax in his arms. still some uneasy crackles far above them but the vortex disappeared and the clouds turned more of a dark grey colour.

It starts to rain and this is when Cross thinks it would be safe to let him go. Not that he does. Cross keeps holding on.

Dust isjust lax in his hold. Not saying a word and Cross doens't even know how to say what he wants to say. That he is sorry for pushing. For not helping Dust think of a new plan. So being so okay with Dust having had to carry most of the burding concerning their back story. and later more responsiblity about money. and before that even with taking care of nightmare. All wihtout Cross even trying to help him.

Cross had just... liked the idea of the backstory. That Dust came to them for help, that Cross had a bit of the savior role in the story... Just like he had enjoyed the idea of some people thinking he and dust had a kid together. Just like he enjoys the idea that everyone knows the four of them are an unit and won't separate... Cross is a jerk.

He still isn't sure what to say "... We can probably change the backstory still..." Instead he just talks.

Dust just sounds tired "We can't..."

Cross shakes his skull and just tightens his hold "No we totally can!" think think think "We... we... we can just be that... that i was the one with the ex! But that i hadn't been sure about a kid... and so i just left but regretted it and found out about the bad stuff..." he is just rambling "So i went back and got you guys for help but nightmare had been so young so he didn't remember me and i was still weird about being a father but you were great at it so you and nightmare bonded and so we just kinda told him it was you and... and..." Cross doesn't know. he is stuck and can't think.

Dust snorts against his shoulder "People will hate that... they won't trust us in anyway if they 'found out' we lied..."

Cross gulps and knows he is right. still... "I am sorry... I should have told killer to stuff it when he oppered."

Dust shrugs "Could have done that myself..."

They continue to sit there in the rain. Cross trying to think of some way to fix this mess.

Dust sighs "It is fine... just... stupid... got the best of me... won't happen again."

Cross feels even worse "I am sorry..."

Dust tries to pull back, probably to shoot him a look of some kind but Cross just keeps holding him tighter. No. Not letting go.

Dust sighs and gives in rather easily "I know why... it is fine..."

Cross shakes his skull "you are overworked... and we were to dumb to see."

Dust lets out an annoyed sigh again "I don't need a babysitter. I should be able to take care of myself just fine cross."

Cross feels tears appear but pusehs them back "It isn't being a babysitter you moron! It is about being friends and looking out for one another and not being a dumb idiot to forget one of your friends also needs help!"

silence.

Cross just keeps going "We shouldn't have pushed the backstory. WHen you said no we should ahve just accepted that! You were uncomfortable wiht that plan. YOu are still uncomfortable wiht it. it isn't fair that we kept pushing and you had to brun for it."

Cross feels himself start to ramble and he doesn't bother to stop it "And then the tinkering! You like that and that is great but that doesn't mean it should be a must or have the pressure of being our solo income! You are overworked and tired and need rest and i don't want to hear any comment or self hating joke about you being lazy!"

Dust huffs and mutters "kill joy" but stays quiet otherwise.

Cross keeps going as if he didn't interrupt him "You are also the one who takes charge with Nightmare and that is fine as well as long as you don't have all the pressure! It is unfair of us to just assume you will decide or have the decision or even that you thought about it! Even if you do have the answers and you did think about it it isn't fair that we put that expectation and pressure on you! We are a team and we should share the burden of stuff!"

Cross pants as he just sits there. feeling partly mortified by what he just said and partly relieved he managed to get it all out.

Dust is quiet for a long time before answering "I don't mind it..." it is hardly more than a whisper.

Cross huffs and just keeps holding it "Even if you don't mind it now clearly it is too much or we wouldn't be sitting in a circle of vaporized plants."

Dust is silent but does give a small nod against his shoulder.

Cross nods himself "When you feel okayish. we will go back to the others. you are going to get cleaned up and sleep. actually sleep. and sleep in. No more trying to get up early wiht Nightmare."

Dust mutters "I sleep in..."

Cross huffs "Yeah. until like 8 or 9 compared to the 5 and 6 of Horror and me. But I mean you need to sleep sleep Dust. Sleep in untill at least 10. Don't even think I won't get Horror or Killer to tie you down to the bed!" Dust is almost always up until late at night. he needs rest clearly.

Dust snorts and mutters "Don't let Killer hear you say that. He will have many things to say about that implication about your preferences."

Oh god no brain don't think about that mental image when Dust is stuck in your arms. You don't want to have that type of conversation now when that image does things to you!

Cross feels himself blush as he stares striaght ahead "Very funny."

Dust snorts "I know."

Cross huffs before spekaing again "Well then! You are going to sleep in and get the rest you actually need. We are no longer going to allow you to plan your days full like you did before anymore."

Dust groans "Cross we still need money."

Cross nods "and so we will figure something out eventually! But you are no longer trying to earn enough for everyone. And please for the love of everything actually buy something nice for yourself for once!" so far he had only spend money on stuff for Nightmare. or clothes for any of them. Cross appreciates the clean clothes and things but please Dust just get stuff for yourself.

Dust mutters and mumbles some stuff but nothing that Cross can really make heads or tails from "Good! Now that we agreed to that... Ready to go back?"

Dust is quiet again but sighs "Yeah.... need to apologise to Killer for attacking him... and crop for probably breaking part of his house..."

Cross nods "Yeah... Good news though Killer didn't have actual HP damage so i think even when mad you were pretty controlled over what you actually wanted, which was just Killer to shut up I guess... as for Crop's house I only saw some cracks and Horror and I can do enough construction stuff to fix that." a moment of silence "Also Killer owns you an apology for annoying you the whole day."

Dust listens before sighing "Thanks..."

They sit a moment longer before they both get up. Cross can't help his curiosity as he sticks his phalanges into the lose sand.

Dust frowns at him "What are you doing?"

Cross looks away embarresed "Heard that... if lightning strikes sand like glass is made... I am curious..." he feels something but can't pull it out. Instead he pushes more sand and dirt aside and uncovers a giant glass electric strike in the ground. he can see how the electricity move and made the glass.

Dust frowns at it "Hopefully I didn't ruin his field... Will have to dig that out and any other stuff to make sure it doesn't damage his machinery when he does farming stuff." Dust already sounds tired as he looks around his large circle were Cross cna see multiple hits of lightning hit the ground.

Cross pats his back "It is fine. Horror and I got a lot of free time so we will get to that tomorrow."

Dust looks at him before sighing and nodding "fine."

Cross nods.

The two walk back as Cross looks at the sky "It is clearing... I didn't know you could do the whole sky thing..."

Dust shrugs "never did that before."

huh. Cross keeps looking up "Think it was because you have more charge or something?"

Dust shrugs "Could be..."

Cross nods as he taps his chin "We will need to make sure you don't overcharge faster than..."

Dust is quiet but Cross feels Dust nudge his shoulder. Cross beams at him and Dust shoots him a small smile back.

They near the house and find their other three boys waiting on the porch. Dust goes straight to nightmare nad hugs him before looking at Horror and Killer for just amoment before looking down "sorry... I.... sorry."

Horror smiles bakc and nods. Killer grins himself and shrugs "Euh. It is fine. Sorry to you for once again not picking up on your social clues." he rubs his cheek which has a large bruise "No hard feelings."

Dust nods and agrees easily enough.

After apologizing to Crop for the mess in both the kitchen and field and promising to fix it they get back to their attic. They take a moment to sit together and Cross explains what the deal had been about. Mostly because dust had retreated to hoody-city while hugging Nightmare and was refusing to admit himself what was wrong.

Killer and Horror both look deeply unhappy with this newly gotten information and looka t Dust. Dust manages to somehow look even further away as he mutters "Cross makes it sound worse than it is."

Cross glares. Rude! Because he actually thinks he is underselling the issue!

Killer must come to the same conclusion as he wiggles around until he is laying right up against Dust's side and looks at him begging "You know that I know you are like the strongest monster ever right? Like it is obvious. We all know that? You know that right?"

Dust shrugs and nods but Corss has his doubts. Seeing as he didn't seem to beleive so just moments ago. Killer pouts and has his scheming face on.

Cross sighs "Either way... we need to balance the work load better." he shoots Nightmare a look "You aren't allowed to share the load as you are a child and no child labor."

Ngihtmare huffs and crosses his arms "I can help"

Killer nods "You help by staying safe nad being a good babybones!" Nightamre grumbles even more and pushes closer to Dust.

Horror hums and nods "We will... need to calm down... Taking it easy with townvisits." he shoots Dust a look "Only when it is relaly necessary."

Dust huffs and mutters "Still need cash."

Horror nods "We will figure that out later. First taking things calmly. step by step."

Cross nods as he sees Dust relax a bit. Step by step. They can do this. They got each other and everything will be fine.

*---------------*

First Drabble here Prev Drabble here Next Drabble here

[skrunksthatwunk]

every time i remember hiei and yusuke's little ritual of sparring whenever they see each other for the first time in a while (usually as they're about to face a big threat) and how hiei just wordlessly attacks him and yusuke takes it with good humor (for the most part) i lose my fucking mind and i need someone else to understand so so bad

hiei opening with unexplained violence, acting like the murderous demon everyone takes him to be, and yusuke seeing through it as just how hiei is, and meeting him where he is in this non-malicious but combative intricate ritual bs. they met through violence and communicate through it but it's out of an admiration for skill, for what can't be said with words, for their reliance on each other as equals, as teammates. they share a past of ostracization, resentment, and a desire to burn the world down for its treatment of them the others don't. hiei feels seen in and understood by yusuke. i don't think it needs to be said that hiei doesn't have many people he considers equals, or peers, or teammates. and yusuke was the first to trust him. to see him as more than a monster. to have blind, unearned faith that he could do good, and that he could be better. yusuke changed him. his trust and friendship changed him. and so for that ritual to rely on that trust—the thought that hiei wouldn't actually turn on him, wasn't trying to betray him or hurt him or get his revenge like he used to claim—makes those scenes so poignant (read: makes me want to howl into the night air). it's about the dance. it's about what they know they have in common beneath the posturing and machismo, the ways they are alike deep, deep down, and the way they both know that and never speak of it.

i also think it's because hiei's afraid of losing him. it's especially obvious in chapter black, but even in DT he's got to make sure yusuke—a dumbass who only got his powers recently—is up to scratch. no matter how he feels about humanity, he doesn't particularly want to see yusuke lose everything he loves either. but mostly he couldn't stand to watch yusuke fall. and because he knows yusuke's in over his head, he's testing whether he has to distance himself and prepare for yusuke to abandon him (via death) like everyone else. he doesn't do this with kuwabara because (at least in the DT's case) he'd been training him. he knows, for the most part, what kuwabara can do. (he also doesn't have that same closeness, both because kuwabara doesn't trust him and, perhaps, because he's doing the distance thing pre-emptively bc he thinks he's weak, unlike yusuke). and he doesn't do this with kurama because he believes wholeheartedly in his skill, centuries of experience, and demonhood. humans are fragile, and hiei needs to reassure himself that yusuke isn't.

hiei claims he wants revenge and postures like a rival, but he never goes all out and he never tries this seriously. he fools around with yusuke because if yusuke lost and hiei proved his superiority, hiei would have to leave him behind. and as much as he wants to prove his strength, as hungry as he is for validation (centering fighting prowess because violent is all he's ever been allowed to be), he can't stand the thought of that. he feels that he is yusuke's equal and peer (and friend), whether they're equally strong or not, but because a part of him still thinks fighting's all that matters (and because he wants to protect him and thus himself), hiei must make himself believe that yusuke is as strong as him. so he checks in on him for reassurance via sparring, but never actually tries to hurt him. in conclusion, i am so normal

[m1ckeyb3rry]

ngl i think chigiri and nagi’s relationship ACTUALLY is like what everyone THINKS chigiri and reo’s relationship is like

[penvisions]

return the favor {chapter 20}

Pairing: Post-Outbreak! Joel Miller x Smuggler! Reader

Summary: The arrival in the haven of Jackson brings certain things to a head, you find solace in a few people of the settlement after being alone with your thoughts for months.

Word Count: 8.2k

Warnings: canon typical violence, canon typical language, canon typical angst, like MAJOR ANGST, feelings of inadequacy, ptsd, trauma, brief discussion of child loss, grief, argumentative language, yelling, shouting, joel being an ass, reader being an ass, angry emotions, brief suicidal ideation, reference to past self-harm injury, ellie being a little shit, maria's hyper awareness, reference to sexual content

A/N: this came to me very quickly, having had the ending scene written from the get go and the rest of the story was a way to make it make sense. hope this doesn't hurt anyone too bad! please come complain to me (nicely) if you feel the need

ao3 link || series masterlist || main masterlist || ko-fi

The horses were fast, impossibly so after being only on foot for so long. You kept a tight hold on Ellie in front of you, arms around her and holding the reigns of the horse you had been offered. She’d never been on one before but he helped her up all the same, and then you behind her. You knew he was worried about your arm, irritating it with the effort to pull yourself up on your own.

Joel was on his own, right behind the woman who introduced herself as Maria, one of the declared leaders of the council to whatever haven they were now taking you to. She had been curt with her words, saying that Joel’s brother was with them. There had been argument or discussion, Joel asking to see him, be taken to him such weak tone you knew was born of hope and desperation at this point.

A formidable structure was cresting over a hill, giant logs forming a wall with an entrance that you could barely make out adorned with people on watch. Your heart had yet to calm down since the first whiny of a horse, thudding heavily in your chest and almost mirrored in your temple as a headache formed at this drastic chain of events.

It almost seemed too good to be true, like a lifeline that was a trick should you reach out and grab it. But Joel had, he had reached out his aching hands and gripped it tight, refusing to let it go.

As the gates opened you could feel your breath leave you in a puff of steam. It…it was a whole town, revealed behind the gates. A traditional main street lined with maintained buildings, people bustling about and doing so much that it was all so dizzying. You turned to look at Joel, having been corralled in the middle of the group for entrance into their settlement. He could only share your look of disbelief, nodding at you to turn back around and take it all in.

There were elderly people, there were children, there was laughter, there was excitement.

There was life.

Your observations were cut short when Joel’s voice boomed behind you.

“Tommy!”

You turned to look at him, Ellie mirroring you and you followed his gaze toward a man clad in denim who was atop some scaffolding and working with another figure to haul up pillars of wood. Building, they were actively building. Creating something, making something more for this already amazingly impressive place. The man looked up, his focus shattered at a vaguely familiar voice. Dark hair longer and curling at the ends, thick mustache that rivaled Joel’s atop his upper lip. The same kind eyes and similar features telling you that it was indeed his kin if he hadn’t just shouted it for all to hear. Both men rushed toward each other, Joel dismounting his horse and the man stomping down the scaffolding.

They embraced in the middle of the street, boots nearly sliding out from underneath each of them at the collision, Joel’s disbelieving chuckle coloring the air and softening your heart.

Ellie reached for your hand still holding the reigns. So small in your own as you shifted the reigns to one and held her with the other. Her eyes were cast down, watching the scene through her lashes.

“What the fuck ya doing here?”

“I came here to save you.”

They both laughed, embracing again and nearly swaying on the spot. Ellie turned away from the reunion, knowing that her thoughts were much like your own.

Alone.

You were both alone. No family of your own left. You shifted forward and pressed your front to her back and leaned over her a little. Whispering into her ear that she had you, that she wasn’t alone. That you wouldn’t leave her for anything. That she had you.

She didn’t respond, face barely composed as the horses began to move once again. Joel and his brother walking beside them.

Her words of asking you to stay with her echoed in your head.

It felt like a dream, entering the stables and securing the horses. Following behind the small group of Maria, Tommy, Joel, and Ellie through the town. Walking through doors into a large space that was set up like a mess hall.

The plate in your hand heavy as it was handed over to you, filled with steaming food that you couldn’t smell. A cup of coffee and a glass of water are brought to the table once seated. You, Joel, and Ellie on one side while Maria cornered her chair from the head closer to Tommy on the other. Joel and Ellie wasted no time digging in, barely taking a breath as they inhaled their food.

But you were too overwhelmed, too wary. You had come across a place similar to this once, not nearly as large. Only a small collection of houses at the end of a cul-de-sac. But the food had been a ploy to get your guard down. It had been tainted, the drugs making you dizzy enough to become pliant when taken back to a room full of women shackled to the walls.

The fork in your hand felt fake, too light and unlike a weapon that had been become a part of you.

“There’s more if you need it.” Maria’s voice was even, and your eyes shifted to her, she was already watching you. Her eyes moving between your trio in even sweeps, trying to read whatever you were unconsciously telling her. Trying to discern the dynamic and the reason for you sticking together. Worry underlying her gaze as you noticed her leg move to touch against Tommy’s under the tabletop.

“Thank you, ma’am.” Joel took a moment to catch his breath, fork still loaded and hunched over his plate slightly. “Been a while since we’ve had a proper meal.”

“Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever had a proper meal.” Ellie quickly tore down his simple statement.

“Now that’s a lie, Bean’s made us plenty of meals with what she could.” He fired back, no real heat behind his words. He looked over to you, but he paused when he realized you had yet to touch your food. The fork in your grip just hovering over the tablecloth laid out beneath it. The steam rising from the mix of different things on the plate not enticing you enough to indulge. You wouldn’t meet his eyes, too busy trained on Maria and having a silent conversation with the woman across from you.

“Okay, maybe one or two. But this is fuckin’ amazing.

Joel’s head whipped back to the teenager whose focus was solely on the food she was hunched over, her arms creating a barrier from the rest of the table.

“Sorry.” He aimed at his brother and the woman beside him, almost sheepish. It was a surprise to both of them that you didn’t admonish her like you had back at the cabin, when she cursed at the elderly couple. You weren’t completely present and it was setting them both on edge a little. You hadn’t been so out of it since the fever that tried to take over you after Salt Lake City. But even then, your eyes were clouded over, instincts taking hold and guiding you. Survival being the only goal right now, despite being in an entirely different climate and environment. “Ellie, let’s mind our manners.”

Tommy’s smile was beautiful, though there was pain behind it. Joel’s too as you realized they were sharing hesitant one. You and Maria shared another look of your own before she reached a hand out for you.

You flinched, the fork clattering to the table as you pulled your hand back. Joel stiffened beside you, his knee pressing to yours underneath the table in a small comfort. But it was fruitless, you were too worked up, too overwhelmed. Too hopeless to salvage or take anything with the man in light of changing circumstances.  

“I promise you the food is safe.” Her eyes softened as she realized what you must’ve been thinking, seeing you too clearly for comfort.

Ellie’s demanding ‘what’ broke the connection, drawing attention to a young girl that scurried away from where she had been observing the table.

“What’s wrong with you?” Joel’s voice was incredulous, unable to process the front she was putting on much like she had done at the older couples’ cabin. He glanced over at you, but you were focused on the food in front of you, not really present. Unable to help him try to get Ellie to behave herself. He huffed, worried for you and exasperated with the teenager, feeling the strain of having to watch over you both even now.

“What about her manners?” Ellie spit back, voice lethal as she tried to defend herself. Too familiar with watching, prying eyes. Scanning her for weakness and then using it against her. This wasn’t the FEDRA school building, this wasn’t a controlled environment like that. This was different, she was different. She wouldn’t let someone get the chance to bully or beat her up just because she was new or different this time around.

“She was just curious.” Maria spoke softly, trying to maintain a calm head in the face of Ellie’s defensive front and your nearly shut down one. “Kids around here don’t usually look or talk like you.”

“Right…well, maybe I’ll teach them.” She held the woman’s gaze, setting your nerves alight, worried she would get herself into a situation she couldn’t get out of, a situation you or even Joel couldn’t help to get her out of. You were paying attention, but everything seemed to be happening behind a thick panel of glass. Like you were there but not, removed and watching as if in another headspace you couldn’t shake off. “And I want my gun back.”

“They also aren’t armed.” Maria’s tone hardened, her frustration showing slightly but trying to keep up appearances, keep her calm in the wake of seeing how your trio was failing to integrate even this early on after being brought in. You were sure if there was no connection to the man beside her, you would’ve been turned away.

“You know what? Uh- I think y’all maybe got off on the wrong foot.”

“She was gonna have her guys kill us.” The silverware in her grip thudded onto the table as she leaned forward, no longer willing to play nice.

“We gotta be real careful about who we let in this place.” Tommy tried to explain, calmly taking over the conversation. He and Joel seemed the most calm, it was you, Maria, and Ellie who were having trouble acting like this wasn’t one of the weirdest fucking interactions of your lives. “But it’s all bark. We’re just tryna scare off those who might wanna try us is all.”

“Well, you got a couple of ninety year olds shitting themselves out there.”

“Ellie.” Joel’s head swiveled heavily as he pinned her with a sharp look for her foul language.

“They say that you leave dead bodies around?” Ellie focused back on Maria, wanting to hear the answer the woman came up with.

“Those are the people who tried us.”

“A bad reputation doesn’t mean you’re bad. Not always, at least.” Maria’s eyes locked on Joel, his chewing stopping as he realized what she was insinuating despite having just met him.

“Ma’am, we’re grateful for your hospitality and all.” He locked eyes with his brother, who suddenly seemed uncomfortable, worried about what was about to be said. “But it’d be nice to have a moment here, maybe just for family.”

“Well, um…” Tommy scrambled for words. But you didn’t hesitate.

Taking that as your queue to leave, you began to move.

"You're okay, darlin’." Joel had turned to face you; you were on his right side out of habit. He was looking down at you, the few inches of space making you dizzy as his eyes were on you. You shook your head slightly, disagreeing quietly to save face, mentally preparing yourself for the rift that was bound to open between you now that he was back with his actual flesh and blood. You had never seen such unadulterated joy on his face as you had seen today, though Ellie would be the first to argue that he looks at you in much the same way.

As if sensing the shift in you, Joel turned his head just enough to keep you in his periphery. Body still taught and on alert despite being behind the walls and in the company of his finally found brother. The room was large, too many people milling about, seated at their own tables. The hum of chatter almost suffocating as it was so different a background noise from the howling of the wind and the rustling of trees that kept you company for months now. The hush of moving fabric a threat more than a comfort, the shadows of people moving about and minding their own business something that set you on edge instead of placated you. But you knew it had to be a good thing, this settlement.

Joel whispered your name, reaching out a hand to grip yours where it was on the table, having put the utensil down at his words and gone to push yourself up from your chair. Ellie watched with caution as he did so, knowing that you were full of emotions she couldn't read, she was feeling some kind of way herself ever since the brothers had hugged so unabashedly in the street. You yanked your hand from him in a moment of self-anger and pity, upset that you had begun to think things were mending between you. But he kept his hold, your clasped hands hanging between where he was still seated and where you stood beside him, chair kicked back a few inches at the motion.

But the truth was that in the light of civilization, in the chance at human connection, you didn't stand a chance. The strain that had been slowly developing between you both would shatter into nothing in the light of finding this haven in the middle of nowhere.

He would find some semblance of his old life here with his brother. You were just someone who he traveled with, shared favors when things got overwhelming and human urges were too strong to quell. You weren’t anything to him, not really, and even if you were naïve enough to think so, it wasn’t real. Whatever you two had wasn’t real, it was a faux creation of comfortability built in the confines of forced close quarters. 

"Let go of me." He pulled his hand back as if burned, he didn't dare step over set boundaries when it came to touch. Your voice had been quiet, just enough to be heard. You nodded at Tommy, at Maria in silent thanks for the untouched meal and then walked away from the table. The door didn’t even get to close behind you completely before Joel was excusing himself and following you.

“Please, just, I can’t pretend like this isn’t all so overwhelming.” You didn’t turn around to look at him but could feel how close he was behind you as you descended the steps leading to the entrance of the building. Snow and rock salt crunched underneath your worn boots and you wanted to continue to hear that sound until you were far away from this place, from this supposed refuge. People were dangerous, perspective having been solidified by nearly every encounter from the last fifteen years accumulating and not changing in the slightest.

“Family includes you.”

“You trekked across the country for him, Joel. Go be with your brother. I’ll give you space or whatever you need, but please don’t make me feel like I’m something I’m not.”

“You are, you are…important.”

“Not now! Not…not since I’ve been so in my head that I can’t distinguish the present from the warped reality in my head. I know it and you know it.”

“Darlin’, c’mon, at least get a warm meal in ya before we do this.” Your features morphed into a deceptive calm. Even he was admitting that this was about to all fall apart, the thin string of connection between your little trio, between you both.  

“Joel-“

“Enough!” His frustrated shout caught the attention of more than a few passerby, craning their necks toward the argument. No longer given the element of privacy behind the walls and in the center of town. “Let’s just go back in there and hear them out, you owe me that much.”

“No!” You shouted back, not caring how it echoed or the people watching on with wide eyes. Not caring how it may look to these people who knew nothing about you or even seemed to be welcoming. Prying eyes be damned, you would not let Joel steam roll you.

“You’re treating me like shit, Joel. And I’m over it. Pinging back and forth so quick I can’t keep up. I don’t care if you don’t want anything from me, but you have to show me some respect. Don’t go acting like this one meal with your real family is going to change anything. You’re going to drop me, and I’d rather know now.”

“I am trying to keep you alive. Yours and Ellie’s lives are in my hands and I am trying my damned best to keep them safe. Between her constant questions and your hovering, it’s nearly impossible to keep a quiet trek. Even now, behind these walls. You’re acting like I’ve betrayed you in some way and throwing up your walls without hearing anything out.”

The irony of his words must’ve sunk in because he stepped back with a deep inhale, his expression steeling as if freezing over in the cold air.

“No one said it was just your responsibility. I’m here too, Joel, you have to let me carry some of the weight. I’m here, I’ve done nothing but follow your lead and I am glad to, but you have to respect me. Do not treat me like a burden because I’m not one. Don’t pretend like you’re not about to cut your losses and move on.”

The words seemed to ignite him further, no longer willing to hold back all of the emotions he had been feeling and still felt despite the temporary reprieve. A glint shone in his eyes as he stepped toward you, his height allowing him the display of power as he glared down at you. You tried not to let the flash of fear show, but you know it passed over your face as he got closer. He had paused for the fraction of a second, seeing it and hating that it had happened but sticking to his guns all the same. Despite the knowledge that he wouldn’t hurt you, the thought was so palpable as he loomed over you. Your hands twitched but there were no weapons to reach for, having been taken at the gate upon entrance.

“Oh yeah? Is that why every god damn set back, every break we’ve had to take was because of you? If you’re so capable then why are you constantly injured, huh? First the broken arm, then the fever, then the god damn bear, and the lake. Hell, the first day we came across you and cleared the city limits, you fell, knocked your head and twisted your god damn ankle. What do all of those have in common? You. It’s because you’re weak, darlin’.”

“Fuck you.” You spat, taken aback by the way he was speaking to you. The way he was deciding to do this. Putting the blame for his inability to face reality on you, with you.

“My arm got broken because I was protecting Ellie on the ground while you were up in that house! The fever was because of my broken arm. The bear? The goddamn bear, Joel? You mean the one you couldn’t hear coming up from behind? And the lake? You were the one taken hostage, not me. I was the one that got you untied, I was the one that’s been getting the shit end of the stick this whole journey, but guess what, I’ve also been the one healing everyone! Been cooking whatever we hunt and forage, been the one to help bridge the gap between you and teenage girl you’re afraid of!”

“I am not afraid of that little girl.” He hissed, teeth clenched tight as he bared them at you.

“You are. And you’re afraid of me. Because it’s more than making sure we stay alive. It’s because you care.”

“I don’t care. Only doing this to get-“

“Oh shut the fuck up, you repressed asshole.”

You stalked away from him, done with the conversation before it blew up even more. But not before he saw the tears overflow and begin to race down your cheeks. Shoving through the people that had loosely gathered around you both, pretending not to listen in but failing at being discreet. Perfect, the first impression you were both making was terrible. A heated, boisterous argument right in the middle of the densest part of the whole town.

Joel called your name, but you ignored it. Done with the conversation, done with him. Your ears were ringing, your body was tingling as if numb, that staticky feeling when a limb fell asleep and blood flow was blocked. Your throat was tight, face hot with emotions. Family. The word echoed in your head over and over again, too much, too defining. Too much of a lie. Reality be damned, you’d rather be alone than force a connection with someone who deemed you a proverbial punching bag because they couldn’t handle their emotions. The street blurred by as you stalked off, pace fast.

You physically reeled when a hand closed around your upper arm. You startled so badly at the touch that you tripped, body falling with the sudden loss of balance and stability.

“Don’t touch me!” You shrieked, not willing to play nice any longer. You swung a clenched fist around too quick for the person to dodge and a woman fell to the ground with a shout just as you landed on your own ass. Both arms going out to try and catch yourself, but when the contact of your left arm was made you shouted out. Tingles sprouted up and down the entire length and all you could do was grip it right with your right and look up through your tears. The woman who had approached you was cradling her face, a pink blossom sprouting from where you had landed the punch. But you didn’t move even as you distantly heard the click of a gun’s safety.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you, I’m a nurse! I just wanted to help, you’re obviously distressed.”

Ellie sat there and stabbed at her food, taking too big a mouthful to cover her discomfort at being left at the table with these strangers alone.

“They do that a lot?” Maria asked, trying to comb over the obvious awkward tension in the air as the girl was left beside two people she didn’t know anything about. It didn’t seem to matter that it was a safe environment, Ellie was on edge and it was obvious.

“What, act like dumbasses who don’t know the other likes them?” Ellie swallowed her food, stabbing another large bite. Trying to act like she wasn’t brimming with anxiety while you and Joel were separated from each other. Maria and Tommy shared a look, not sure what to do other than wait for one or both of you to return to the table. “All the time, it’s exhausting.”

Joel ambled back in and Ellie perked up slightly until she realized you weren’t behind him. He just shook his head slightly at her, letting her know that you had walked off to cool down or gather yourself or whatever. But he was sure the sharp cuts of words you both shouted at each other had been audible from outside.

“Maria is family.” Tommy declared, shaking their held hands atop the table.

“Oh shit,” Ellie shifted from their linked hands to each of their faces. “Congrats.”

“Joel, say congrats.” The teenager calmly prompted, taking enjoyment out of the turn of roles to mind manners. Shifting in the seat he had taken back him, he locked eyes with his brother and congratulated them in a flat tone. The hits of the day continued to land as he realized his place in this world.

As the group stepped out from the mess hall, a woman came up to Maria and whispered something to her. With a nod she sent her off and turned to Joel.

“Your girl is at the infirmary, the nurse we have is tending to her arm. It was broken recently?”

“Three months ago, broke clean through the skin. She tended to it herself as best she could.” He was sure you wouldn’t mind the information being shared, most likely the exact thing you were telling the people at the infirmary to get a better understanding of how your attempts had done and able to determine how well it had healed.  

“Bean can take care of herself, she went to school for, what was it Joel?” Ellie turned to him, not wanting to say the wrong thing. But wanting the woman to know who she was messing with, know who she almost killed. Spiteful tendencies not falling off in the face of authority.

“EMT, medical anthropology. She’s got degrees under her belt and certifications.” Joel felt pride flare up in his chest as he spoke, wanting Tommy and Maria to know that you were capable, just as he was. That you had been holding your own out there in the wilderness, that it hadn’t been easy but you managed between here and Boston just fine.

“A smart woman, we need someone with that kind of knowledge. Our last doctor that taken out by a nasty strain of the flu last season.” Tommy tried to bridge the gap of conversation. Trying to understand exactly what happened to his brother from the moment he left Boston with the Fireflies to now, without being too direct. Knowing focused questions would warrant Joel to close oof or fabricated lies that were only hints of what actually happened. The girl and you being the biggest questions he has by far. But he let it rest for now, hoping they could have a moment alone soon enough. Hoping that by some miracle his brother would plan on staying here, safe. With him.

Joel listened as Maria began her informative tour, explaining the basics of things here in Jackson for him and Ellie to learn. To get familiar with. But he wasn’t sure what to do now, what the right choice to make was.

Remain here and integrate. Make some semblance of like all together. Or simply use it as a place to recharge and then get back on the road, use it as a place to gather information and supplies before picking up where they left off. The Fireflies, Ellie being immune, you needing rest, Joel needing rest…all of it factors in a decision he needed to talk over with you. After he apologized for the way he spoke to you earlier, for the things he blamed on you that he was at war within himself over. He was bonded to you all and that was the problem, he had gotten too close in the months of travel. Come to instinctually seek you both out as soon as his eyes opened after sleep, needing to protect you both at any cost.

Something Maria said brought him out of his spiraling thoughts, and he turned his attention to her with a furrowed brow. None of this made any sense, too many generators that would fail out in cycles between fixes and scavenging for parts or batteries. A light pole stood proud in the center of the street, thick cables running off of it an toward the tops of the surrounding buildings.

“You draw power from the dam.”

“Got that working a few years ago.” She agreed, slight confusion coloring her features as he pointed it out. She hadn’t said so, but she continues talking, finding it a good thing that he was asking questions and engaging rather than shutting down and running off like you had been. Though she wished you were within her sights, just to make sure you were okay.

“Bean was right.” Ellie pinned Joel with a mild glare. Aware of the growing tension between the two of you as the days bled together.

The stables were loud, now in the later hour.  The bustle of horses being lead around large pens, sheep being herded from one to another, people tending to the animals keeping his thoughts at bay. He felt a glimmer of something as he watched the sheep move about with trotting steps and comforting noises, the conversation from the night before sprouting to the front of his mind.  

“Hey Joel, check it.” Ellie smiled, imitating them as she looked over her shoulder at the man. Tommy looked between them, brows raised in a silent question that Joel waved off with a slight nod of his head.

“Soooo are you like, in charge?” Ellie askes, hands weakly clapping together from where she had them buried deep in her jacket pockets. Nervous energy filling her up the longer she was away from you, but hoping you would join back up with them soon.

“No one person’s in charge.” “I’m on the council. Democratically elected, serving three hundred people, including children. Everyone pitches in. We rotate patrols, food prep, repairs, hunting, harvesting.

“Everything you see in our town: greenhouses, livestock, all shared. Collective ownership.

“So, un, communism.” Joel spoke up, taking it all in. Thoughts racing as he wondered if you were getting the same information at the infirmary.

“Nah.” Tommy scoffed, not agreeing with the rather simple way that Joel summarized everything. “Nah, it ain’t like that.”

“It is that. Literally.” Maria burst her husband’s naïve bubble, though there was no heat behind her words as she glanced back at him. It simply was the most accurate way to describe what they had established here in Jackson. “This is a commune. We’re communists.”

Joel tossed Tommy a smug look over his shoulder as he rubbed his aching hands together and followed after the girls. Tommy hung back for a moment, soaking in the realization.

“No way!” Excitement colored Ellie’s tone when she spotted the mare and her foal peeking out from within a stable close by.

“That’s our newest one. Couple months old, wanna pet her?” The offer was genuine as the group approached the opening and Ellie reached out to baby talk and caress the foal’s fur.

“Yeah, what’s her name?” Joel ambled close to her, sticking by her side even with the relative safety of the place, not taking any chances with the bustle of people everywhere. She was distracted, the sights and phenomena garnering her attention. She wasn’t on alert, but he remained so for her sake. For his.

“Shimmer.”

“Well, I’m sure they’d like a shower. Some new clothes. We can put them in the empty house across the street from us.”

“Yeah,” Tommy looked to his brother, hoping they weren’t overstepping anything by offering without all three of your trio present. “Decent place, pretty much untouched since ’03, but it’s got the heat goin’ in it. Could do worse.”

“Oh, trust me, we have been.”

“We’ve been doin’ fine. Don’t disrespect Bean like that.” Joel defended, not wanting them to know just how bad it had been getting before they found you. Feeling self-righteous in the face of finding out his brother had been experiencing old world comforts while he slept on the frozen ground and ate whatever could be scrounged up day after day. That he had barely been able to provide for you and Ellie despite his efforts.

“Oh, like you did, yelling at her in the middle of the street and running her off?” The teenager fired back, not taking Joel’s attempt at corralling her in that instance.

“Ellie-“ Joel hung his head, shoulders inching up as he realized this was only the first of many comments the teenager was going to make.

“Well, I’ll take Ellie over there. Track down…Bean was it you’re calling her? Let you two catch up.”

Joel gave them your real name them, not sure if you’d want strangers you didn’t know calling you by the fond nickname Ellie had graced you with before him and his brother broke off to have a moment alone.

It was night when you returned to the center of town, the main street lit up with fairy lights and burn barrels. It was pretty, you had to admit as you walked around looking for the movie gathering that Maria had marked on a note for you back at the house assigned to you for the night. It had been empty when you arrived. Lights and heat on for when one or all three of you retired for the night.

“Maria, can I…have a word with you?”

“Of course,” The woman lead you out of the crowded room and onto the street. She opened the door to a front further down the street. You settled up on a stool at the bar while she rounded the long counter and poured you a drink. Eyes trained on the bottle she replaced back on the shelve, not pouring one of her own.

You gripped the lowball glass in steady hands.

“I know you what you must think of me…of Joel. But we did right by that little girl and we’ve been doing our best to keep her alive. But…it’s not been easy, I won’t lie to you.”

“That argument was pretty heated, seems like things haven’t been easy in the slightest.”

“It’s…unforgiving out there. Thought I had enough trouble traveling alone, but with people you feel responsible for, that look to you for guidance, it’s far worse.”

“She’s not yours.” Maria realized, putting the words to fruition, seeing you and making it known. She could recognize it in you, just like you could in her. Mirrors of each other, though one had safety and community while one did not. Mothers who have lost, women who have survived. You met her eyes and showed even more of yourself to her, feeling like she was trustworthy to know. To be privy to what drove you and made you who you were. That you were willing to be a part of this should they allow you to stay, with or without Joel.

“No, mine was lost before the pregnancy could come to term. Ambushed. Lost my husband and my home, nearly lost myself too.” Honesty seemed to be the best course of action, the right thing to do in face of all this woman had offered you so far. Despite the way in which the initial greeting had played out. You understood the need to protect, the need to threaten. You’ve had to do it before and you would do it again in a heartbeat.

“I’ve lost a child too. It’s not something you can come back from without weight.”

“No, it’s not. Even after fifteen years. Twenty years.”

“But Joel-“

“He’s a good man, but I know he’s done some things. Things that weren’t necessary but were easier for him to do in his own grief. I think he’s carried it heavier than all of us combined. But please, don’t mistake me, I am not making excuses for the man, hell, we ain’t even friends. Not really. Just happened across each other and stuck together, for Ellie.”

“But you love him. I can see it. Despite everything.”

“It’s those damn Miller genes, gotta hand it to them.” Your lips pulled up at one corner before you sobered, mood not picking up completely in wake of the day. “He doesn’t return those feelings, or he does and can’t stomach the thought, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve been a fool to think that this journey changed him in that regard.”

“But the journey isn’t over.” She was smart, reading you like you were one and the same. You wondered if for all your combined hardness, if preserving softness was how you truly survived. Her with helping to keep this commune running, you with protecting a little girl with everything you had. Both the same, both trying to heal with world in what little ways you could with dual swords gripped tight in each hand.

“All I ask for is supplies and a horse, I’ll take Ellie on from here. But please, give him the same curtesy if he decided to stay or not or y’all vote against him stayin’. Please.” You gazed out at the smoke wafting from one of the burn barrels, hoping to be emersed in a hot shower after being out in the cold so long. You hadn’t sat still for more than a moment since entering the town, doing rounds and talking with the nurse who had been kind enough to help you despite blindly attacking her.

She was nice, if a little misguided. Working off of notations and medical books that wouldn’t help her to truly understand the gravity of certain injuries unless she had dealt with them before. You left your own journal for her, some of the books you had kept with you. You hadn’t asked for anything in return but she made you a plate of food in her home, her wife kind enough clean your coat while you all talked.

“She’s all I got now, and she needs me. We can finish our travels from here on out alone, and don’t want to be a burden to someone who is still dealing with their own internal demons. But he’s right, I am weak. Been injured more than whole the past three months, but if it means I could get her to where she needs to be, then I’ll risk my death.”

“I’ll get you what you need but…know there’s a place here for you both- all if you…don’t find what you’re looking for.”

“You’re just saying that because I’m medically trained.”

“I mean it, you deserve a chance too, even if you’ve already given up.”

She reached out to take your hand and this time you didn’t flinch.

You didn’t greet Joel as he entered the home, the shine of tears long past still evident on his face in other ways. His shoulders were slumped, exhaustion plain in his every movement. He walks past you and toward the staircase, his path toward Ellie up in one of the rooms.

“Don’t,” You stepped away from the bottom of the stairs the second he appeared at the top of them. The soft light of the lamps lit up around the living room bathing you in half shadows. But they didn’t hide the hard focus of your features. You heard everything that reverberated down the stairs. He had broken Ellie’s trust in him, her faith in him, just like he was about to do with you.

Tension was a thick wight over the room, your body tense and Joel’s shoulders slumped as he leaned his knees against the side of the couch. The argument from earlier floating between you both as you were standing by an armchair across the room.

“We…we can still get her there.”

“We’re both too weak.”

“Not-not if we rest for a few days, get some decent meals in us. Water that we aren’t rationing to only what we can carry.”

“No, not even then. I’m too old, too worn down. You’re too injured, prone to get more so. We aren’t strong enough.”

“Joel-“ You pinched the bridge of your nose, head throbbing with the cold still waning from your trek to find Maria.

“You deserve better, dammit! Not some old fuck who can’t handle anything anymore!” His voice was loud, booming around the dusty living room and you jumped, not expecting it. You were sure Ellie could hear the hollering just as you had heard her a few moments before. Your hands were fisted at your sides, nails digging into the skin of your palms at the action. “You’re so insistent on keeping on with me when there’s no fucking reason! Like a damn thorn in my side, no matter how hard I dig I can’t get you out!”

“It’s not about what I deserve, you fucking idiot! It’s about what I want. And you’re it, Joel Miller.”

“Well, sometimes we don’t get what we want. I’m not your shot at a second chance to start a family. I’m too damn old for this shit. Playing pretend and ignoring the reality of the situation. We shouldn’t have started what we did, it just made things complicated. We were both weak, to give into that. Too stupid to see that it wasn’t moments of peace, it was damnation.”

“I don’t regret being that way with you.”

“Well I do. It wasn’t right, we were fools to think there weren’t strings attached to it. You have enough trauma with that kind of stuff for there not to be. With how you came onto me, propositioned me, I shoulda known you would get attached.” The words tumbled out of his mouth without a thought. The heat of the moment and the emotions swirling in him too much for common sense and decency to play a part.

All of the emotions of seeing his brother after so long, having been living in a safe and protected place while he had suddenly come into the care of someone he hadn’t had room in his stone cold heart to deal with. Losing the one person he had come to trust in his life, suddenly shackled with another woman who reminded him of her so much. Suddenly a father again and faced with a familiar silhouette that sparked too many hurtful memories.

“Oh.” Your face fell, no longer firm with determination as you fired shouts at him as fast as he had been doing to you. A heaviness settled in your chest as you schooled your expression into a blank one. You didn’t want Joel to see you cry, even as you felt the tears begin to well up, your face heated up as they did so. Your hands were still at your sides, when not two seconds ago your fists were clenched as you pleaded with the man to understand. But it was too late, he set fire to the bridge you two had cautiously and carefully built over the last four months with one breath.

“Shit, that-“

“No, no. I get it, I’m damaged goods. Too impure for you in your fuckin’ set southern ways. I guess we don’t owe each other anymore favors. I felt safe with you, I let my guard down with you, but I’m seeing it for what it was now. I was nothing more than an easy fuck to you. That’s all I’ve ever been to people in this damn forsaken world. God forbid I think I’m anything of substance, of anything more than that. I haven’t felt wanted since before my husband got slaughtered.”

You didn’t care how hoarse your voice was, the volume diminished now that your heart felt like it had been stabbed, wounded beyond repair.

The scar on your left arm was throbbing. The sensation to tear the skin open fleeting in your mind just as was the bloodied body of a past lover, of the men you had taken out after finding them retreating in deep snow, of your legs scratched and bruised from fighting one of them off to no avail. You opted to reach for your pack where you had set it beside an armchair. Joel was silent as he watched you try to pick it up, his fingers curling into his palm over and over again in that obvious nervous twitch of his. But you were too overcome with the situation to lift it, the weight of it too much for you. You crumbled to the ground, knees digging into the hardwood of the floor, your hands gripped tight on the fabric of the pack, knuckles white with the pressure. Tears rolled down your face, heavy and hot as your chest ached.

“At least everyone else had the decency to demand what they wanted from me, not play tricks in order to get it. I was honest with you, I meant what I said. But, maybe I should’ve been honest when it developed past that and that’s on me. Played me like a damn fool.” Your words wavered as they fell from your lips, no more fight to your voice. He had broken you, like he did everything he ever touched. “Savior complex rewarded by helping out someone in their time of need and then getting the reward. Should’ve seen it for what it was this whole time.”

No words came from him, no defense against himself, no admonishments for you and what you were thinking. All of the embraces, all of the reaching hands, all of the shared looks, tainted now. And there was no going back. He just watched the way you clung to your pack, crumbled down on the ground.

You didn’t say anything, head bowed over your hands still tangled in the handle of your pack. The tears were rolling down your cheeks, hiccups lofting into the air on every other intake of shuddering breath. You tried to tamp it down, not wanting the man to see you break down and continue to see you as weak, but being too overcome to realize it would make a lasting impression on him for the days to come either way.

“Tommy is going to take my post, he’ll help get you both to where you need to be. Dawn, it’s his call.”

His steps were heavy as he thudded past you, crossing the room. His coat being tugged on over his taut shoulders, entire body tense as he worried you would suddenly find a second wind. But you didn’t and he made it to the door. The sound of it closing behind him, the click of the handle sounding with a note of finality. Joel rubbed hard at his face, hand smearing the tears that had fallen from his own eyes over his heated skin. He looked up to see Tommy standing on the steps to the porch, frozen mid-step between two of them, gloved hand on the railing.

“Don’t.”

“Joel…”

“I said don’t, Tommy.” He clenched his eyes shut as the muffled sound of your cries sounded through the door. He didn’t think his heart could ever feel so heavy again, but he was proven wrong as he walked away from the house that was supposed to be some sort of future for all three of you. He was a damn fool too.

It could’ve been minutes; it could’ve been hours; you weren’t sure how much time had passed but eventually you made it upstairs and in a bedroom. You felt numb, body on autopilot as you undressed and regarded yourself in the vanity mirror. Steam filled the bathroom, swirling around you as you took in the state you had been left in, gutted.

The hits he had thrown at you weren’t physical, but you could feel them coloring your skin, tightening it around your ribcage, your knuckles, your temples. Weakening you beyond anything someone else could manage to do. Your eyes stung, dried out from the tears before you managed to detangle yourself from the pack and get up off the heap you had made on the ground down in the living room.

Hot water cascaded down your body, hurting when it made contact with the back of your neck, burning your skin pink. You choked on a sudden sob, bursting from your chest as you had the fleeting, naïve thought of sharing a shower with the man who had made it his mission to tear you apart.

Instead of sharing in your body in this way, he had taken chunks of it for himself with his teeth. Carrying you around with him as the blood stained around his biting mouth and underneath his clawing nails. Not in the way you had wanted, not in the way of a bruise sucked into his neck or scratches down his back, the phantom feeling of you wrapped around him or phantom whines in his ear. But this far more sinister way, where you got nothing in return.

The bed was a freezing contrast when you collapsed into it, though sleep didn’t come.

previous chapter || next chapter

dividers by the lovely @saradika-graphics

taglist: (trying to link everyone who's asked) @sawymredfox @narcissa-anastasia @ayamenimthiriel @rosaaeles @littlemisspascal @oscarissac2099

[stari-hun]

We should all follow in @anonymocha ‘s steps and just start making our ideas and adding more and more content to the point ppl assume it’s just canon or has a lot of supporting content

[after-hour-diner]

I think Lenard should give kisses. I think it would be fun for the showman type character they are.

[pencilpat]

I couldn't sleep all night and I was rewatching DWIT, and I'm analyzing dukexiety here we go!

I SWEAR why is he looking at Virgil like this? Hello? Is there a single non-gay way to make this face at your ex-buddy? What? Affectionate eyes and a slight smirk? Is that what we're doing buddy? I swear when Remus in particular likes someone he is really obvious about it.

Anyways,

He's so, like, soft with Virgil the whole episode, which is 100% not reciprocated, but.... it tells me that it used to be. Virgil probably was playful right back at one point. And he expects him to just keep doing it, despite any fallouts they may have had. Remus is the most hopeless about relationships and trust with other people, he genuinely seems to think everyone in the world wants to hurt him or judge him - except Janus and Virgil. Even if Virgil doesn't desire a friendship, they were friends before, and to Remus that makes him special and worthy of this eerie gentleness that I can only assume is genuine affection as he shows it. Because to him, no one ever changes, so Virgil will be right back as his and Janus's friend the moment he realises that he 'can't change'.

Janus feels the same thing, in a way, that Virgil isn't actually capable of change, but to him that reads as abandonment and that Virgil is trying to be better than all of them, light sides included. Janus and Virgil most definitely lost all trust in each other due to whatever fallout occured, but Remus? I don't think he even believes much has changed at all. They were all three rejected and feared before, so why would that ever change? Everyone on the lighter ends of Thomas's mind has feared him since he's ever existed, most likely, and Virgil and Janus were there in the dark as well. They are made to be scary - Virgil will be right back once he realizes that too, of course! 'It was just like old times!' both as a real expression of feeling and as bitterness that Virgil hasn't been with them in so long. And that is the meanest he gets to him directly. An air of bitterness. Compared to Janus's outright insults and ire and direct confrontation that's shocking.

Remus seems to still see Virgil as somewhat of a friend. Virgil does not want him as a friend ever again.

[mitamicah]

An aromantic autistic reading of Joker Out's "Bluza"/"the Blouse"

I have a few words about Bluza. The Blouse.

When I first heard the title, I felt a connection to this song yet in a very tongue-in-cheek way. Because I read the working title was a nod to the white holed sweater blouse (the slut shirt) Bojan forgot at Jere’s place last autumn. But then thanks to JokerOutSubs I realized that this song really speaks to me in another way.

Disclaimer: I am speaking about this from an autistic aroace point of view and as a person who has masked most their lives and doesn’t drink. I hope to explain why this matters in the post below.

The lines that especially spoke to me are these: Ja ko pijana budala Ali čaše nisam popio Jamislim da sam se zaljubio u tebe

I’m acting like a drunk idiot But I haven’t had a single glass I think I’ve fallen in love with you

As a person who has spend most my life being critical about what to say, do, and how I show of myself to people I see the drunkenness described here not as literal but as a form of unmasking. When you find that one person you feel so comfortable around that you know that they won’t leave you or care if you stop being presentable in the eyes of society.

The result is that you may seem drunk and out of character when you are close to them. Drunk as in unlike yourself but also much more yourself. You dare to be authentic and to be silly and vulnerable because this person next to you gets you. No alcohol you could consume would fill you with as much giddiness as being with this person does. There is something about this one person that just speaks to you and let you know that you are safe.

While not having been drunk myself this is what I expect is the feeling most drunk people are searching for: the experience of not caring about what other people might think about them anymore. They just exist outside time and space in a bubble of bliss.

The person in the song is that for Bojan. His bubble of bliss – his safe space.

I’ve been lucky enough to have people like that too for small periods of time. And just like the next line I have felt very strongly connected to the person in those moments thinking “is this was love feels like?”. And here I don’t necessarily mean romantic attraction/love. I mean love as in a deeper, more profound level. The love that is outside of bodily desire. It is two spirits – two beings finding a home in the other person. A home where you can be giddy and drunk without having touch a single drink.

It is no secret that I love the idea of queer platonic love. When I read this, I read it as queer platonic. I read it as beautifully strange, brotherly, romantic, and platonic all at once.

The chorus kind of develops this feeling and adds and aromantic layer to it: Baš ja Koji nisam verovao Da za nekim biću lud

Yes, me who didn’t believe I would be crazy about someone

I read this as a very much an aspec experience.

You may have gone most of your life feeling othered for not experiencing those feelings of romantic attraction the world around you constantly tell you that you should.

Then this person comes along. This person that is your haven, that you can fool around with and open up around. There’s something that seems different, seems honest and so it brings you that feeling of bliss I mentioned earlier. That feeling the world around you have tried to tell you exists for years, yet you never believed would happen to you.

You may have believed yourself to be broken or maybe the world around you too much for seemingly being crazy about love. But now in this moment of bliss, drunk without having drunk, you get it. You want to be with this person, do all the silly things the media tells you are romantic. Not because you are forced to but because it would mean spending more time with your person. And every little second you can spend with your person feels like a blessing.

That is my take on the song at least. Thank you for reading.

[writingmoth]

liking romantasy as an ace person who is more sex-indifferent than sex-favorable is so exhausting. there are all these books that look cool but the authors mostly market them based on spicy levels and spicy scenes and it does nothing for me so i just sit here like :| thats nice i guess haha

[jorrated]

sonadow (hands u the hornet nest)

i think its whatever but fanon has destroyed it for me

[fluffypotatey]

Shadowpeach's reaction to believing the other is dating again

ANON I AM SO SORRY T^T i meant to reply to this the moment I read it then got distracted and now it’s almost 1am (edit: it is now 1:30 lmao)

anyway,

you have come to ask me, a girlie who is a sucker for unhealthy shadowpeach and long time lover of the jealousy & possessive tropes, about shadowpeach’s hypothetical reactions of the two monkeys believing the other is back in the dating scene?

well, obviously, they would be completely fine. absolutely no negative reactions or breakdowns or obsessive thoughts hindering their ability to function and be mentally healthy. of course.

jk i lied: THEY WOULD BE SO HORRIBLE LMAO

however, i feel like swk would be more subtle about it. like maybe he hears something out of context said by MK or Mei or Tang or Red Son or Sandy (who might have also jumped to the same conclusion) and is like “oh……” and then is oddly quiet for maybe a month, freaking out MK

also, SWK would have his own internal battle of wanting to see Macky to confirm but also not wanting to see Macackle because the confirmation would break him. but he would make so many excuses to see Macaroon by visiting Pigsy’s noodle shop then chicken out when the time does come (the funny part of me says that Pigsy is the only one aware of SWK’s true intentions and is very annoyed about it)

the anger doesn’t really come until SWK feels fed up with Macaroni’s “mixed signals,” meaning Macky’s very bad attempts at being civil/flirting. because “if Macky thinks he can just use my feelings while being in a relationship he can think again!” (despite Macky never being in a relationship but Wukong never confirmed this so is mad for the sake of this hypothetical SO and himself while struggling with his own very messy feelings. because he likes it when Mac has his attention on him, he likes it when Mac tries to woo him the same way he had tried when they were younger and ignorant, he likes it when Mac cannot help but look at Wukong, he likes it when he makes Mac forget all about that stupid significant other because Wukong and Mac used to be something and could still be that something if Mac just gave Wukong a chance or if they had never ended their old relationship like the way they did. if only, if only, if only, if only, if only—

with Macky, ahahahaaaaaaa hoo boy.

not subtle. very unsubtle. like, yes, even Wukong can see and notice Macky’s very unsubtle and unstable self but unlike everybody else who is aware of the reason, Wukong would just be confused on why Macky is always weirdly snappy and grabby and always feel the need to mention Wukong’s love life????

anyway, Macky would not react well. 1) because it feeds into his angry theory that Wukong found their relationship to be superficial and temporary 2) he has been revived for, uh, *checks watch* not very long, so imagine going through a severe break up and dying them being resurrected and trying to enact revenge on your ex (of whom the feelings are still too raw) but you’ve been out of time for so long that you cannot process shit 3) it is my belief that Macky had nobody else as close to him as Wukong was

so, Macky hearing through the very botched grapevine that Wukong is back in the dating scene? man’s is not handling it well. house/apartment/whatever establishment he was staying in is trashed. he replans his revenge against Wukong. he stalks Wukong obsessively bc he has to see that bastard in the act because maybe then he’ll be free. he would sabotage any and all attempts of demons, humans, whoever that whispers about pursuing Wukong because….reasons

(obviously the reasons are not the fact that Wukong moving on terrifies him, the fact that he can be so easily replaced hurts, the fact that he cannot let go despite everything, the fact that Wukong still smiles the same, that Wukong still laughs the same but it’s so much lighter, that he understood what it was like to be loved and cared about by Wukong. to have all of his attention on Macky, to hold him so gently even though these same hands could break him (and have), to be treasured and desired by someone so powerful. how could Mackarell give up something so precious? he is still selfish and has been deprived for f that love for too long. why on earth would he ever wish for someone else to have a piece of what he once had?)

so yeah i’d say they would be coping sO well :)

[icewindandboringhorror]

Everytime I face a new character limit on a website that didn't have them before/used to have really long ones... AUGHHhhh the modern social media world was not made for people like me (lovers of details, rambling, elaboration, thorough explanation, and nuance)

[robespapier]

I found a novel about young Napoleon's rise to power, and in the first few pages it's told me Robespierre had no lips and that he was losing sleep over the rumours about him and Eleonore Duplay being lovers, because she was so fucking ugly, he would never, how could people say that, how mean of them

[danmeichael]

i need to work on my chengxian fics....