#well i was worried i interpreted it through a very white perspective. sorry. sorry about that

[leapinarmadillo]

why write Bad. like why do that.

[intrulogical]

I’m curious to know, when you say Remus’s function serves like an alarm clock, do you think Remus is aware of/intentionally fulfilling that role? Because I have always interpreted it as, from his perspective, his role is simply to be c!Thomas’s creativity the same way Roman is. His version of creativity is just rejected by c!Thomas and the other sides (often for good reason, but sometimes not). Even though his ideas are sometimes dangerous or unrealistic, the role of creativity isn’t always to do everything that pops into your head. Roman has unrealistic ideas as well but because they’re not as upsetting to c!Thomas, they’re seen as fanciful rather than totally forbidden. A lot of what Remus wants is just for c!Thomas to censor himself less and explore darker, more mature themes in his art. Idk about him representing ‘repressed truths’ since intrusive thoughts are by definition not rooted in realistic conclusions or in what the individual actually wants. I def see what you mean about Remus serving as an alarm for Thomas’s mental state, especially in WTIT, but idk if I see Remus’s intentions in WTIT as being that complex and altruistic. Especially since he’s genuinely upset whenever c!Thomas and Logan ignore or defeat his creative inventions. (Also sorry if any of this comes off as confrontational, I genuinely love reading your analyses and I’m just curious to hear your perspective more!)

hello! no worries btw, idt this is confrontational at all! i find it to be an interesting point of discussion :3

the reason i entertain the idea of remus being repressed truths (or thoughts in general) is because i acknowledge remus is a faulty representation of intrusive thoughts, in a meta level. this episode was created before major discussions of what intrusive thoughts really means blew up on tiktok. even by how remus is executed as a character, it is clear to a lot of us that what he suggests isn't Just intrusive thoughts. rather he's a mix of that and impulsivity!

but for me, remus Has to be aware of and Cares for his role as a side of thomas. i expounded it more in my extensive orange side theory, but to reiterate: the baseline need of the dark sides is to get listened to, but because thomas has very bad black-and-white thinking, it's almost required that they be meticulous with their plan execution. in this case, remus kinda Has to get along to get what he ultimately wants: to be listened to.

i generally think all sides do things in the interests of thomas and themselves. i don't think it can be divorced from each other actually— their entire foundation of existence begins with their roles in connection to thomas.

it is still. a very open question to ask though about how does remus actually want to give back to thomas. when i say he's an alarm clock, i say that he's hyperaware of thomas and the sides' struggles and his presence means you should probably do sometjing about it. but then we don't actually know if the end goal is if he wants thomas to get better by acknowledging the intrusive thoughts and winding down, OR if thomas should truly follow through with these thoughts.

there's a lot of mystery when it comes to remus and his true intent. all i can say is that he does want the best for thomas in a way only remus sees fit. you asked if he was aware of his role outside of creativity and for me, yeah! i think there's too much scenes for insecurity callouts to the other sides for remus to be unaware of his role :3 man knows all your secrets! all kept hidden!

[wangxianficrecs]

Hi Mojo, I also wanted to share my thoughts on this concrit and commenting discussion, particularly the etiquette of asking permission before identifying racism part. I think there are two conversations here: the concrit and comment etiquette on fics, and POC being able to speak up without having to adhere to etiquette. Of course you can stop reading this message if you would like to as I’m mindful of your argument that you should ask permission first. But if you could read this (not even publish!) then that would be appreciated.

I am a Chinese diaspora. As a Chinese diaspora your comments affected me rather more than I expected them to. I’m being really careful about my own tone right now - because I’m worried that if I come across as angry or even remotely impolite, that my message might get dismissed by a reader thinking I’m just angry and reactive. I’m coming from a personal perspective on this, but I can’t not make it personal as this is something that affects me, and my friends and family, as people.

With your message to be kind in all interactions with authors, all that runs through my mind is the implication that as a POC person, is is MY job to be kind and understanding and polite, and it MY job to willingly teach another person of how their actions and words have impacted me. That if I am angry or offended and speak in a less than nice tone, that somehow this is a petty tit-for-tat move on my part? Of course in an ideal situation we should not react emotionally - but I can’t be expected to stay unemotional in the face of micro aggression and racism, even if it was not meant to be malicious. I’m sure your intention wasn’t this but then the idea that WE must then kindly educate the racist party (accidentally or otherwise) is a huge emotional and mental burden that we can’t be expected to partake in every time.

I know I cannot say ‘us’ in this situation, but this isn’t an issue that only affects an individual. I KNOW I am only one person. I know I may not be the ‘mouthpiece’, as you said, for everyone who is Chinese diaspora. But I can say for certain that I share the same lived experiences of at least some who will agree with me. I’m challenging the idea that an individual can’t be somewhat reflective of a population - otherwise it would be ridiculous to suggest that all people of a similar background must agree on everything and have a spokesperson.

I’m also sure you didn’t mean to or I could be wrong, but I get the sense that you are considering this issue predominately from the perspective of a non-POC (non-Chinese, in this case) author and how we should try not to upset them. It feels that we must consider that the author is coming from a place of no bad intentions or malice and must therefore speak to them in that way - but that is a very idealistic process that POCs and marginalised people can’t always rely on. Ignorance - especially wilful - can be just as harmful and hurtful as direct aggression.

Luckily my experiences in this fandom has demonstrated that authors who are non-Chinese or POC almost always start their fics with an apology and a reassurance that they are receptive to corrections of any cultural inaccuracies they may have. And I think that this is the crux of the etiquette issue that we shouldn’t offer unsolicited criticism without first asking permission. These authors have acknowledged their different background and own potential shortcomings and are open to criticism in this aspect. In these more common cases, there is of course no need to ask for permission - the author has already anticipated conversation around this.

The etiquette issue is when an author has not prefaced their work with this sort of disclaimer - and I am aware it may be unfair to expect this of all fic writers. That’s where this issue of etiquette comes up. The author hasn’t appeared to welcome comments on cultural insensitivity - so I have to think about if I now need to ask nicely for permission to speak. As a reader, specially as a Chinese diaspora, if cultural insensitivity or discrepancies appear without the disclaimer of ‘please let me know if there are any inaccuracies’ then the implication may be that the author simply didn’t care or bother about offending anyone. If they do, then I know it’s just a mistake and that they haven’t been dismissive or uncaring. Without it, the authors intentions become much more ambiguous.

Even worse is when an author blatantly says they’ve made mistakes or haven’t researched and don’t care for feedback. My culture and heritage isn’t a playground for you, and I don’t think fic writers should be exempt from being respectful for the sake of a quick fic.

Like I said earlier, this is not a hypothetical exercise for POC. We’re faced with microaggressions constantly in our real lives, so our patience for this sort of situation runs a bit thin and it is difficult not to react with emotion. I also dislike the idea that I need to ask permission to speak about something that impacts me so profoundly.

A message to prefaces a written piece of work saying that the author is not of that ethnicity or culture and that they welcome comments to fix it always helps. Then the lines of communication aren’t blurred and the onus doesn’t fall on the marginalised or POC to become a teacher.

Mojo, this is actually the second draft of a message to you. I have spent over an hour and a half of my time crafting this message - trying to get the tone right, trying not to come across angry or impolite, trying to say everything I want to say. Your replies to the blogger in the replies of one of the last anons was what really sparked this huge essay- I came away from reading them really effected, and not knowing why I was upset by it. I think you really missed the point that they were trying to say - that obviously, unsolicited criticism can be hurtful and unnecessary, but valid criticism of hurtful practices should not be shut down. Instead, you explained (and I know interpreting tone through text is difficult but I could not read it in a non-patronising way) that in short, if I am mean because they’ve been (allegedly accidentally) mean first then I shouldn’t expect them to listen to any of my concerns or understand why I was upset. Because I was mean back. For me, this felt like a dismissal of something that is profoundly more complex - that it wasn’t a conversation about etiquette anymore, but somehow became one about silencing marginalised people and coddling fragile white egos.

Mojo, I’ve followed you for ages and love all the content and hard work you put out and am infinitely and considerably grateful for your achievements. You are truly a wonderful person with such great ideas and intentions. The fandom would suffer greatly without your dedication. It’s just that on this occasion I think you may have missed the mark a little and had to say something. Others may not agree with me, I know, but I hope you have at least read this.

Lots of love, from a follower

Let me start by saying that I’m very sorry you felt you had to moderate your tone so much in order to be heard.  I really do strive to make my blog a welcoming environment for everybody, and I regret that you’ve felt excluded:  that was never my intention. I am always interested in everyone's point of view.

You've got some really great and specific points here that I think will be helpful to all authors in this fandom -- like ways to introduce your fic and/or be respectful as well as small things that come across as offensive.

The conversation this morning veered way off track from bookmarks to racism, and like I said then, I am not qualified to talk about that. I do not have your history or your experiences: all I can do is listen and empathize and learn. Which I try to do!

What I am qualified to discuss is how writers might respond to comments: I've had lots of experience with that! So my point is: if you approach an author with anger, they are very likely to close themselves off to you. I'm not attaching a value judgement to that, to say that they are right or wrong to do so... it's just a statement based on my observations over many years.

I can imagine how easily a lifetime of tiny (and large) insults and slights would build up and spill over in anger, frustration and resentment. That's very human. Please don't think that I am belittling or denying your experience or your right to feel this way, because I am not.

I respect you. I respect your experience. I respect your right to be angry and to talk about it. Period. I really, really do. I think it's important for your voice to be heard: this is how you feel valid as a person with your feelings, and it's how other people learn!

So let's go back to reading a fic where you find portions (or all) of it racist or insensitive or culturally tone deaf. What is your goal? I ask this just as a student of psychology (and also a parent). Do you want to educate them, or to shame them? Again, I'm not attaching a value judgement to either response. The way you introduce your topic will affect how the author will react. It's not about 'white fragility'... there's no way for you to know who penned that story, just as there is no way for the author to know anything about you when you comment. This is just about humans and how they interact with each other.

This is tough. This is thorny. THIS IS NOT A SIMPLE MATTER. There are always, always going to exceptions, gray areas and straw men: you (and any reader) should always use your judgement. Are you saying this to someone who is hateful and bigoted and cruel with it? Or are you saying it to a 12-year-old girl from corn fields in Nebraska? Are you unsure?

So this isn't about silencing your voice, not at all. It's about judging who you're speaking to and whether or not they'll hear you.

I absolutely do not think that unsolicited or angry fic comments (or bookmarks) are a productive forum for educating people... if that is your goal. And it may not be, which is fine. As you pointed out, the burden of educating people should not rest solely on you, it shouldn't be your responsibility.

I will say again that a place like this, right here - this very letter which I am answering and publishing - IS a great way to educate people. Use it freely, speak loudly, say your piece and share your experiences. Arrgh, I really hope that doesn't come across as condescending. I'm being utterly sincere. I am nearly 50. I've seen a lot of change happening. This is how it happens.

I do not want to silence your voice - or anyone's voice! I want to hear everyone's opinions and thoughts because that ultimately makes me a more well-rounded and considerate person and the world a better place.

I do however, passionately believe that positive change can be affected best through positive interaction. It's not a rule everyone is required to follow, not at all. But is the one that I speak of, and the one that I try to adhere to.

I could never speak for any minority, to say what you should or shouldn't do - as individuals or as a group. But I can speak from the experiences and feelings of a fic author. That's it, that's the limit of my ability. And you may do with that whatever you feel is right.

Let me wrap this up by saying that I really appreciated this letter and Nonny - you were very brave to throw this out into the forum, thank you! You had some extremely useful and important points that I am very happy to share. I am sorry my comments hurt you, and I hope that you feel a little better now.

Having said all this, I would really not like to start a huge discussion on racism in the fandom. I am the wrong person to conduct that conversation: I don't know enough about it, nor do i have the proper experiences or point of view.

With that, I must go, and I'll see you all tomorrow!

[ruby-whistler]

Ok, I’m glad you could clear that up, just to specify I was talking about these very specific parts with what I was talking about:

. “Seeing this fandom dehumanize the character on such a large scale makes me sick and extremely worried for them, so shut up.”

You did in fact claim you were extremely worried for them. This could easily be taken as implying that you think it says something about their morals/actions/future actions based on how they talk about a very much fictional character in a post. Not cool. That was my only point there. If that’s not what you meant then good, no trouble here, but I’m just telling you because it can be interpreted that way, especially since it’s pretty common for people to say things like that in this fandom, sadly.

I’m glad you clarified the colonization thing, what you said makes sense. I figured you could of meant something like that, so that’s why I gave you the benefit of the doubt. People can totally relate because of their circumstances for any reason, it’s saying it’s canonically accurate when it is very much not which is kind of insensitive.

Your point about Sam was,,, weird? Your saying I can’t sympathize with someone who abused someone,,,, when dream is also some who abused some one. No where in that did I say it’s ok to abuse dream because of that, I’m just stating facts that yes, dreams actions hurt sam. Sam was very fond of tommy and no doubt hm having to deal with the guy who abused him, talked about abusing him, and then killed him would be traumatic for him. You can hurt someone while still being hurt by them. It’s not always a one way street. Again, that doesn’t at all excuse anything sams done, he’s done a lot of awful things, but it is a fact of his character hard boiled into his arc. It’s not exactly hidden away. Just like people are allowed to analyze why dream does the things he does, people are allowed to analyze why sams doing what he does. Doesn’t excuse it, but explains it. Here are some quotes from in game chat on foolishes stream that talk about this. Dream is not just “telling him what he did” he’s taunting him. This has been confirmed many times.

“He kills the other inmates. And laughs. And tells me to come in the cell so he can kill me too.”

“He tells me that he knows everything. That he is waiting.for the right day.”

He talks about at other times even earlier in the arc why he is so obsessedwith the prison. He feels like it is his duty to protect the people who he failed to protect before.

And I found the dream quote! He very much says forever. No questioning that.

“Tubbo, I’m gonna lock Tommy away forever, I mean I need him alive, but that doesn’t mean he has to be free, right?” There’s no reading between the lines that can be done there. He planned for tommy to have his current fate.

I never said you were hyper sensitive? I just said I personally deal with feeling like that (I often project into characters, and seeing people apologize for abuse makes me upset) so it was genuine advice to anyone who feels the same. If something is causing you genuine distress it’s good to take a break. No ones forcing you to, but it can help some people. No where did I imply that anyone was hypersensitive for having to do that? People who say stuff like that about characters should definitely stop, but sadly not everyone will, so it can be good to try and filter things/take a break so you don’t have to see it. Because it can take a toll on your mental health. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with taking a break, it doesn’t make you hypersensitive. And even if you are, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s valid.

The only reason I asked for you to wait if Anything I said upset you is because I really don’t want to get yelled at, and like I said, I don’t know you. I’ve seen people get really angry at critical asks before and it can help to take a step back before you respond. It was more pertaining to my sensitivity then any one else’s because being yelled at makes me upset so I really don’t want to be yelled at lol. It’s happened before in asks so I was just asking that if you feel like yelling at me please kindly don’t, or at least wait till your not angry, cause it will make me upset. Just a precaution. Sorry if it came off as condescending, I didn’t mean it that way (your response was fine btw)

ah, i think i see the problem - i need to stop with the confusing sentences, this is the second time in that single post someone’s misunderstood what i wrote. i hope you excuse me, english isn’t my first language.

There are literal abuse victims in this fandom, and I personally know a lot of them relate to what c!Dream is going through (more on that later). Seeing this fandom dehumanize the character on such a large scale makes me sick and extremely worried for them, so shut up.

this is the full quote. translation; i am extremely worried for the abuse victims that relate to c!dream’s character for *reasons*, so shut up about this not being a problem.

i never said i was worried for the people who dehumanize him, and definitely not because i was accusing them for this sort of thing bleeding into their real life ideals or opinions.

since our first debate, i have seen poc and non-poc from colonized countries detailing why it is colonization even if the of inhabitants were white, so i do not find it insensitive for people to say it - i don’t necessarily agree nor disagree too much either, but it wasn’t a point i was making in the post, and wasn’t what the problem was about.

please tell me when i said you couldn’t sympathize with c!sam, because to me it seems like you’re making up a point. i’m saying sympathizing with him in the situation where he’s currently abusing someone because you hate the victim (you being some people, not actually you) rubs me the wrong way and feels like people are trying to shift the focus. i am rather sympathetic to c!sam, or as much as i allow myself to be with his actions (similarly to c!dream). i’d like to think i do not have a double standard for any of the characters and c!sam apologists who do not excuse his treatment of c!dream or victim blame him are a 100% valid to feel the way they do in my eyes.

there is a difference between trying to protect people and that desire for protection blooming into hatred, as you put it “obsession” (being willing to break the rules to keep him in), and trying to “break him” so he “wouldn’t try anything”. c!sam’s treatment of c!dream is severe and i do not find it understandable, justified or excused just because the prisoner being kept in inhumane conditions is “taunting him”. i am not saying his goals weren’t initially good or didn’t stem from a good place, but at this point he has become corrupted and his actions aren’t what i’d classify as valid responses to c!dream’s “taunts”.

thanks for the quote. i disagree that he planned to put him in the same position as he himself, because my logical conclusion is that he wouldn’t he in the main cell, and would be able to move around the prison, as well as not be abused by c!sam (who would still be the warden). anything c!dream would’ve done is speculation and there is no proof to the fact that it would happen. the prison wasn’t “remade for c!tommy”, it was more like an “eh, it’ll do” sort of thing. the prison’s conditions were pretty much remade to store someone they hated and considered either a threat or a tool, hence lesser than human. no one else in the prison would face the same treatment c!dream, because they’re not c!dream.

i never said you were calling me hypersensitive, what i meant was, i was hoping you didn’t think my concerns were a thing of sensitivity rather than the need of the community to change something. i would rather continue making posts and analysis in an effort to actively shift the fandom’s perspective than take a break, but i get how that might be beneficial for me to do in the long term, and did not think you would write that with malicious intent or as an insult to me or my personality.

[caitlinsfandomthoughts]

Watching Star Trek TOS For the First Time! Season 1 Reaction

I’ve been a TNG, DS9 and Voyager fan for maybe 10 years but had never watched TOS until I decided that I would. And then I realised I couldn’t live with the possibility of the internet not being able to know my incoherent rambling reactions if it so desired. Most of these were written the day after I saw them but with the early ones it was later so sorry if I don’t remember your favourite.

Season 1:

The Cage: Be still my beating heart why must number 1 leave the show? Why?! Imagine a world in which Majel Barrett got to continue to be her in the Star Trek universe instead of Lwuxana (sorry I don’t love her) and Nurse Chapel. She’s so beautiful I love her. And she gets to where pants and be the second in command. While the episode for sure has sexist moments it does seem like there was more of an actual effort to present to future as having gender equality. When you compare this to the ultra mini skirted version of the actual show, it does feel like executives went through it to make it more marketable. It’s been noted by others that she is quite similar to what Spock’s character became: the cold, logical one, while Spock smiles in this episode. While I ended up loving Spock I still would’ve loved to see a woman in that kind of role, especially in the 60s. Although I’m not sure she would’ve been treated that well.

So Vina can’t like, get medical treatment from Starfleet doctors who know how to put a human body together? No? We’re just gonna leave her there? She’s too ugly? She’s better off living in a fantasy world where she’s pretty? Ok then…

The Man Trap: I don’t even really remember this one so I’d have to rewatch it.

Charlie X: Charlie sees women and becomes an incel, Kirk has to try and teach him not to be. This is a decent goal that somehow culminates in a space boxing match. Kirk loses his shirt. Sexual tension is presumably resolved. Uhura sings.

Where No Man Has Gone Before: The pants are back. Man becomes some kind of god and Kirk beats him up if I remember correctly.

The Naked Time: This is where The Naked Now comes from. This one was less sexual, which is probably a good thing, and less drunk, which is too bad cause I love drunk Crusher and Picard trying to focus on work while their brains won’t brain. Highly relatable mood. This one is where the immortal line “sorry, neither” comes from, spoken by Uhura in response to Sulu calling her a “fair maiden.” According to the internet that was an ad lib and I so hope that’s true cause it’s amazing. Also according to Spock Sulu is a “swashbuckler at heart” which is cool and all but I wish we got to find that out by him actually being a character that we know the personality of rather than a background diversity guy who gets to say a couple of lines sometimes. Also each to their own but shirtless Sulu is infinitely more attractive than shirtless Kirk.

The Enemy Within: Bad. Women at Warp podcast said it best, it’s bad because they say the evil Kirk is still Kirk and is needed for him to be a good captain/person. This could’ve been ok if he didn’t do something so irredeemable, or they could’ve not had him be defined as a true and necessary part of Kirk, but you can’t have both and sell it as an ok message. Rand not being able to look at ‘good’ Kirk after really makes it feel real, her acting in general makes it feel too real.

Mudd’s Women: Women take beauty pills that make them have makeup on and men find them too ugly to marry without them even though they are still beautiful. Also said women were kinda slaves but don’t worry about it! *hand waves*

What Are Little Girls Made Off: I don’t know what the title has to do with the episode. This is the episode where Nurse Chapel is introduced even though she was in a previous episode. And she’s taken more seriously than I thought she would be. Kirk gets an android version of himself made by a guy who he already doesn’t trust and doesn’t predict that maybe that’s not a good idea. Apparently to make an android all you need to do is put one person and one dummy on a giant plate and spin them around real fast. If only the guy who wanted to take apart Data in Measure of a Man knew.

Miri: Problematic. I think the crush angle could’ve worked if it was one sided, but Kirk played into it and it was creepy, and you know, also manipulative, assuming Kirk doesn’t actually feel the same way and is using it to get her to help them. That’s my more charitable interpretation anyway. Also McCoy doesn’t know how vaccines work. Also this episode doesn’t know what puberty is, or rather when it starts. If the virus is supposed to get to you then, that starts round the preteen age. Miri is older than that even though she’s not an adult.

Dagger of the Mind: This was the first one where I was starting to quite like it and it was feeling a little more like Star Trek to me (I know this is the first Star Trek but there’s a certain way 80s/90s era Star Trek feels to me). I really liked the beginning where it was setting up this whole maybe prisoners become violent because of how the prison treats them thing and that it was challenging the viewpoints of some of the main characters, although McCoy was already team prisons are bad and I love him for that. It then went more into the lobotomising asylum type story which was still ok. The guy turned out to be a doctor rather than a prisoner which I didn’t like cause I wanted the prisoners to be humanised. Although you could’ve done a “see anyone, even ‘innocent’ non criminals can be turned violent with this treatment” but they didn’t really emphasise that.

The Corbomite Maneuver: I don’t remember this. Kirk playing poker with some alien I think. Edit: I’m been informed this is the one where the alien turns out to be a lollypop guild kid lip-syncing to an adult’s voice, which I do remember, and probably thought it was some kind of sleep-deprived fever dream.

The Menagerie Part 1 & 2:  I laughed so much when they wheeled Pike out and I finally got the Futurama reference in Where No Fan Has Gone Before. I mean I obviously knew the whole thing was a Star Trek Reference, but I had never seen that specific imagery before and now the joke makes sense! Also Pike wanting to go back there seems kinda wrong. I mean they say he’s a vegetable mentally I think but he doesn’t seem to be? I can kinda get that he’s got more incentive to be there than Vina who could probably be helped by Federation doctors but also, he hated that place and spent the whole episode trying to get out of it and it doesn’t feel like a fitting ending for him.

The Conscious of the King: And here begins Star Trek’s love affair with Shakespeare. The only thing I have to say really is, if I didn’t mishear something… a father and daughter played Macbeth and Lady Macbeth? A married couple. And no-one thought that was weird? She was the daughter of a dictator though so there was an Ivanka Trump vibe.

Balance of Terror: Romulans. Spock wasn’t sure that they were related to Vulcans till this ep, though he suspected it. How far back did they split for it to be unknown? I like that the Romulans were sympathetic and we had scenes with them just in their ship from their perspective, and they had some conflicting views with each other. And I really like how Spock was suspected as a spy cause racism and of course he wasn’t and saved that guy cause he’s the better person. That said I found this episode pretty boring and I don’t know why. I kinda wish it turned into a witchhunt situation and was more about the racism on the Enterprise, kinda like The Drumhead from TNG.

Shore leave: Wtf was this episode?! And I don’t ask that because the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland showed up, or that it was a random holodeck planet episode, that’s fine. When the White Rabbit appeared I was just like, ok it’s going to be one of those episodes, that’s fine. Holodeck episodes are fun, I don’t even mind a random magic alien or two appearing for no reason to wreak havoc, say by making everyone larp as Robin Hood, that’s all Star Trek, that’s Star Trek doing a Star Trek, what I didn’t like is this episode goes nowhere! McCoy sees the White Rabbit, we’re off to a good start, Sulu “Swashbuckler at Heart” sees an old gun that he geeks out on, cool. Kirk sees some woman of course. Also there’s some guy fending off a tiger. Random female guest star of the week rather than letting Uhura be part of the story gets her uniform torn by some guy. Then she imagines a princess dress and if that were me as soon as I realised I could think things into existence I would just imagine all my dream clothes. Kirk imagines an old student friend who is attempting very hard to be Irish (thank you Colm Meany for saving us from this).

Anyway so the planets a holodeck cool. And I’m like, Spock should beam down, I wanna know what he’ll see, this is where the episode could get interesting. And then it happens, but nothing happens, they don’t even make much of a deal of him not seeing anything. But then I thought what if! What if Spock didn’t beam down and this was another imagination?! What if he was some alien with some ulterior motive OR better than that we get to see Spock as imagined by whoever was thinking of him. You could go down a very fanfic road if it were Kirk’s imagined or desired view of him, or maybe you could show different people’s perceptions and then they still suspect he’s not acting like himself even though it’s how they see him, but its not quite right, cause it’s not actually how he is. Or at least I thought they were going to find out what was going on. But NOPE none of that happens. Instead leprechaun guy shows up again and Kirk just wonders off to fight him for the next fucking millennium! The uniforms they wore at the academy seem like they were made out of better quality material than that of a Starfleet captain’s. Poor Kirk must be having to replicate new uniforms every other day. Then they laugh I think, and sexual tension is presumably resolved. Then the aliens show up and are like yeah this planet is a holodeck we thought you’d like it also McCoy died but he didn’t and I’m like THEY DIDN’T CONSENT TO THIS. But then they decide to party.

It reminded me of a Red Dwarf episode called Better Than Life where they knowingly go into a virtual reality game which is basically the same as this planet. But over time Rimmer keeps sabotaging what he imagines cause he hates himself so much his brain won’t let him have nice things. And it’s still a comedy, but there’s an opportunity for exploring the character’s psyche with this setup that wasn’t done here and that made it boring.

The Galileo Seven: This episode was good!! In contrast to the last one it delivered on promises it made, it had a satisfying ending, it’s probably my favourite so far. The whole time I was like this should be about how Spock can be wrong and logic isn’t everything to be a good commander. But given the quality of the previous episodes wasn’t that great and Spock was always right about everything I didn’t trust them to do that. BUT I WAS WRONG. I thought it would be about how just because you don’t have emotions doesn’t mean you can disregard those of the crew. But instead it was about how he couldn’t predict their enemy wouldn’t act based on emotion rather than logic. And then he admitted he was wrong and helped the guy bury the other guy, and then they were about to die and McCoy was like at least I’ve lived to hear Spock say he fucked up. And then Spock jettisoned the fuel so that it might act like a flare but it gave them less time and I was like no you’ve learned nothing! Don’t just do things that severe without asking your crew. But then after they were saved it was described as an act of desperation rather than anything logical and Kirk was like that’s an emotion isn’t it? You acted on emotion? And Spock was like well yes but I’m not gonna say it like that.

I like that emotion was good actually. I think it’s a fine balance between the message of its ok to be different and using Spock as an analogy for racism, and inadvertently neurodiversity, but also not buying into the idea that emotions = weakness and lack of emotion, or emotional repression = objectivity. Even if you don’t factor emotion into your decisions (which would be impossible unless you don’t experience emotions at all) it doesn’t mean that you don’t have personal biases in your perspective. So I’m glad Spock was wrong for once.

The Squire of Gothos: This is Q this is Proto-Q. He does all the same things that Q does; he shows up in clothes that are way out of date (and he thinks they’re from 900 years ago when they’re clearly early 19th century) and he flirts with the captain. Oh and he has powers, maybe they were computer powers, but not all? And he goes on about humans being brutal, warmongering people but he’s kinda into it. He fights Kirk but there was actual tension so it wasn’t annoying like the one with the Irish guy. And then it turns out he was just a kid exactly like the Futurama episode, except he is a kid not 35. I think him being a kid makes the flirting seem weird though.

Arena: Kirk and the Gorn at Tanagra. Kirk fights a lizard because aliens wanted to encourage them to not fight by telling them to fight. I thought maybe these lizards could be proto Cardassians but then I thought they can’t be they don’t talk, but then he spoke so I thought they could be, but then he was the one who was invaded and was only defending his people so I thought they couldn’t be, unless that was actually just lies and justifications in which case they definitely would be, but then that would undermine the message of the episode so I guess not. I wonder how many leaders have killed each other before these alien’s negotiation tactic actually worked.

Tomorrow is Yesterday: This was fun. There were a lot of twists and turns. I wonder if it was before or after the moonlanding. Every plan just makes it worse and more and more people keep getting exposed to the future. Kirk could’ve easily just closed the door and beamed back at the end but instead opts to punch like six people. (I think this is where “a woman?” “Crewman.” Comes from).

Court Martial: What if Kirk actually did it though? Would that be more interesting? Maybe. At least here he has an age appropriate love interest. She’s prosecuting against him which is surely a conflict of interest. AND she has a uniform with a longer skirt! And it actually looks good, like it looks like an actual dress that she can sit down in and it still looks like a dress and not a crumpled up shirt. It’s elegant but it’s still short. I could see this being an option (for any gender) as a dress uniform but it would still make no sense when they’re serving on a ship.

Return of the Archons: I am LIVING for Spock in a medieval style hood. It’s giving me Peter Cook in a Mother Superior’s wimple in Bedazzled vibe, it’s not quite on that level of beauty, but it’s close. For some reason Sulu returned from the planet in 18th century gear but then everyone else is dressed like it’s the 19th century, with some medieval robes thrown in, and this annoys me more than it should. Maybe it’s because he’s a swashbuckler at heart. Apparently they had a completely peaceful society except for the nightly purge they seemed to have going on that is never mentioned again.

Space Seed: KHHANN! I liked this a lot until the end. I want to know the lore behind Data’s Dad having his middle and last name. Edit: Actually only the middle name is the same and the last name is just similar. I still think there’s lore there (excuse the pun), probably he’s a descendent of his cult followers or something. The story seemed to be eugenics bad and also the type of guy to basically be a eugenics cult leader would be super manipulative and abusive but just charming enough in a relationship. It does a pretty good job of showing the abuse in his relationship with the historian woman, how he switches between being loving and I guess charming, and flattering to being abusive and degrading. I wish that the historian woman could find someone that she can explore domination and submission with consensually cause that seems like it would be what she really wants. Anyway but in the end they just let him go? Like he tried to take over the ship but they were like here have a colony. They compared the place to Australia when the colonists arrived at Botany Bay and that it could be... I forget what the word was but basically ‘civilised’ and No NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO STOP RIGHT THERE NO Australia was already populated and didn’t need eugenicist cult leaders who were demonstrably bad to show up make it ‘better.’ AND THEN the historian is given the choice to go with them and she does and its framed like it’s good? Or at least ok? When they just did a pretty decent job of showing how abusive and manipulative he was and she had redeemed herself by turning against him? So I get that they probably wanted to bring him back although they’re probably not gonna bring her back, but they could’ve easily had him escape instead.

A Taste of Armageddon: Suicide machines. I forget the rest.

This Side of Paradise: SEX POLLEN! Well it’s more fall in love pollen, I guess, for one character. There’s a woman and there’s the music and the soft focus and BUT WAIT then the camera cuts to Spock not Kirk! Because she has taste. It’s about this point that I think the ‘Spock’s the most popular but Shatner wants to remain the star so we’ll emphasise their character’s relationship thus inadvertently inventing slash fic’ might’ve started. It’s time for a love triangle! She makes Spock get the sex pollen, which is not getting consent, and then he falls in love with her and is climbing trees and is all happy. Kirk can’t get a text back from Spock. Then Kirk and two others get the pollen except Kirk didn’t, but he did, but anyway I thought everyone would be horny but they weren’t they were just brainwashed. Soon Kirk is all alone on the bridge, then he gets the pollen and is happy to live as a poly triad but then he gets angry and it’s gone. Then he calls Spock to the ship and approaches the situation in the only way Kirk knows how: Homoerotic punching! So they fight for not long enough and then Spock is cured but he’s a little sad, there’s sadness in his voice, it’s not quite so matter of fact. Then Spock’s gf gets sad and the sex pollen is gone too, Spock might still have feelings for her but he has responsibilities to the ship and “to that man on the bridge” which if he was saying to just mean once again the whole ship, and its mission and the captain in a professional sense, seems a little redundant, which would surely be illogical.

The colonists get sad that they haven’t done anything for years because the sex pollen made them unambitious but I would argue maybe the sex pollen was right and you were better off just vibing. This episode was more interesting and less silly than I thought the creator of sex pollen would be. At the end Spock says that for the first time in his life he was happy. While every other character could still easily become addicted to a thing like that they could at least know they would experience happiness or any feelings again in their life, for Spock it was going back to nothingness.

Devil in the Dark: Spock calls Kirk Jim which I don’t think he has before, when he’s talking over the communicator and he’s worried he’s in danger, there’s some actual fear or urgency in his voice. Also the moment that got me was when Kirk wanted to send Spock back the ship cause he didn’t trust him to kill the creature and Spock was like “but… I’m not really as useful there I am here… so…” If I was writing it I would’ve played that up more but anyway, I like that they didn’t kill the creature. I like that McCoy said the thing. And also said “I’m starting to think I can cure a rainy day.” He’s my favourite.

Errand of Mercy: It’s kinda becoming the Kirk Spock show now, I like the ship but I miss McCoy. I like that the passive pacifists who Kirk was so angry with were actually more powerful. And KLINGONS! Oh yeah the orientalism, the yellow peril, it’s… it’s there all right. They were played a lot colder here, a little Cardassian maybe, still bloodthirsty but I don’t believe this guy has to do it himself to feel honourable, he can kill for sure but he’s fine ordering someone else to do it and being a chessmaster too.

The Alternative Factor: God this one was boring. But it does have a man with the worst beard wig I’ve ever seen. Now he’s stuck fighting the bad version of himself or something to save the universe. So remember that when you’re watching later Trek series, all of this could suddenly be destroyed if one of them gets tired.

The City on the Edge of Forever: UHURA GETS TO GO ON AN AWAY MISSION! Aaaand she doesn’t get to do anything :/ The usual three go back in time! To the 60s again! Oh wait… that’s meant to be the 30s? Oh. That’s some tall hair that lady has for the 30s. But at least said lady is a character, she’s a little perfect but she does things, she has strong beliefs, she might be written a little idealised, but she is still written like a person compared to almost every other Kirk love interest. “He says it (captain) even when he doesn’t say it” is an interesting line. So she has to die, I still think they could’ve just convinced her that you don’t make friends with fascists but ok. They never say what the Clark Gable movie is.

Operation Annihilate! Kirk’s brother dies, and so does his sister in law, leaving his nephew without parents. This is never resolved and the episode ends with them laughing about how Spock got his eyesight back.

[nice-kill-tanaka]

hi hi i’d like to request a haikyuu matchup please. i’m 5’3 she/her. i have curly brown hair with highlights and hazel eyes. bi. virgo. infp. i’m usually pretty shy and soft spoken tho i open up more when i’m around people i’m comfortable with. i’m easygoing and creative. i’m a hopeless romantic my love languages are physical touch quality time and words of affirmation. i like boba and oversized hoodies and sweaters. i like listening to music(usually kpop and pop and just songs that i vibe with), hanging out with friends getting coffee and just walking around, photography, baking, and reading. i don’t like confrontation. in the future i hope to travel and see the world and meet new people. thanks so much.

[🌄 @em9503​ requested one (1) regular Haikyuu!! matchup. I have just the ingredients for that! Sit tight while I get to work.🌌]

Is it bad that I’ve legit never had boba before?? Like, there’s a shop right by my neighborhood and I can never get around to going? 

Anyways, your vibe sounds hella chill! Which means, you’d do nicely with:

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

🐻Asahi Azumane🐻

🌱Humble Beginnings🌱

By all means, you and Asahi should have never met. Your circumstances were far too different

You were the manager of Tokonami High School’s Women’s Volleyball Club (Or the “Tokonami Sharks” as they liked to call themselves)

The reason you joined this particular club was rather simple. The girls were much less intimidating (Albeit, more intense and training oriented) than the boys

Your interactions with Karasuno were few and far between in your three years of high school. You knew that your captain was acquainted with Daichi Sawamura and Yui Michimiya, and your first year setter went to middle school with another genius player that attended Karasuno

But otherwise, the stars never aligned so that Tokonami and Karasuno would play a game together

With that said, let’s talk about the Interhigh tournament

It was a long, hard process of preparation, but something told you your team would finally clear the plateau that plagued you for five years prior

But, once you actually got to the convention center, it sure didn’t feel like it!!!

You were desperately trying to calm down your panicked ace, while the other two third years were busy wrangling two of the five rambunctious second years. 

The first years looked okay, but you could hear the stomach of the little wing spiker/middle blocker from ten feet away. And the tall, sarcastic one was starting to complain about being in range of the stink-bomb about to be dropped

On the outside looking in—On the inside looking in—the sight wasn’t pretty. You guys would be playing Ohgiminami High in an hour!

You sighed, deciding not to let the current situation get the better of you

‘Water. If I get some for the team, it’ll at least settle their stomachs! Hopefully...’ You thought, grabbing your water bottle caddy and heading to find the nearest water fountain

So, I wish I could say your search for the oasis was going well. But, your empty bottles and exasperated disposition would beg to differ. It was only a matter of time before you finally admitted to yourself that you were lost

Looking around, everyone that you could’ve asked for help seemed either too busy or too intimidating to just walk up to and ask anything of them

Finally, you saw one boy standing against the wall across the hall, confusedly trying to interpret the map in his hands. Big dude, but not menacing in the slightest

And, his man-bun was kinda cute but shhh

Reminding yourself that this is “for the team”, you took a deep breath and went up to the boy in black and orange

“Uh, excuse me?”

The boy flinched, gaze darting around at eye level before looking down to your height. When he made eye contact with you, you both blushed at the same time (You silently cursed yourself for doing so)

“Oh! Uh...yes...?”

“Sorry to be a bother, but I noticed that you had a map. And I was wondering if you could help me find a water fountain around here...?”

He looked at you, a bit surprised. Weren’t you afraid of him? Why would you want his help of all people? (Not that he was complaining ‘cause you were pretty cute tbh)

“Well- sure! But...I don’t think your partner would like seeing you around me.”

“...Partner?”

The boy gestured to your oversized dark blue and white jacket, having assumed that it belonged to another player that probably had a terrible jealous streak

“Oh, no, no! This jacket is mine. Heh, I’m completely single, don’t worry about it.”

“Really? Whew, well that’s good! Er- not that I’m trying to say-”

“No, I get it!”

“Ah...well anyway. I’d help you, but I have no idea how to read a map. I’m kinda lost too, heh heh...”

“Oh...what if I read it and help us both out?”

The boy eagerly accepted, introducing himself as Asahi Azumane, from Karasuno High School

🌳Flourishing Love🌳

You and Asahi didn’t actually meet again until the day after the Interhigh tournament (And two simultaneous dampening defeats by Aoba Johsai)

You had decided to stay on as manager. But, your third year teammates with decimated spirits were still mulling it over, declining your offer to go out for boba (You suspected that they snuck off to the gym to practice their feelings away)

Because you still needed time to think as well, you decided to go to the boba shop alone

There, you saw a familiar face. One that looked more contemplative than when you first met him

While you waited for your drink, you struck up a conversation with Asahi, who apparently went through something very similar to your team’s situation

Your conversation went far beyond simple small talk, and it ended up being very therapeutic for both of you. It introduced new perspectives when it seemed like you were between a rock and a hard place

You noticed how sweet and gentle Asahi was under his rough exterior and insecure under-layer. And you realized how much responsibility he took upon himself as the ace of his team

Asahi saw that even though you were probably thinking about a lot of things, you never drowned completely in your thoughts. The fact that you were so easygoing—albeit, shy—when you both first met probably aided in you not getting overwhelmed by recent events. And to be honest, he admired that about you

Long story short, you two hit it off right away! You’re like each other’s emotional support volleyball nerds 🤗

After a while, it seemed like you two sort of eased into becoming a couple without a confession or ever using the terms “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”

You guys found nothing but comfort and good vibes in each other, and that made it easier to accidentally act like a couple

Since you’re so short compared to Asahi, he always likes to make sure he’s holding on to a limb or piece of your clothing in large crowds

Asahi’s a little insecure with physical affection at first, but you unknowingly helped him out by giving him small physical reassurances. Soon enough, he found himself copying you!

Kisses on the back of the hand!!! Pressing his forehead to yours!!! Noses slightly brushing!!! HUGS!!! FROM!!! THE!!! BACK!!!

You guys hang out at each other’s houses religiously after practices (Asahi’s parents highly approve of you 😉)

Your team got a little suspicious after you started wearing a jacket from Karasuno of all places, to games. Don’t worry, they only tease you a lot about it!

Fun fact: The first time you called Asahi your boyfriend was when you were teaching him how to bake at his house. He was a cute, blushy mess!!

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

[🌌 There you go bud! That’s one matchup for the road. Hopefully it lasts for a while, but if it doesn’t, feel free to come back! I’d be thrilled to see you again.🌄] —Reagan

[kelleah-meah]

Aesthetics and the Lack of Inclusivity: The Problems with Cottagecore, D...

I commented on this video from Gelsey Blythe over on YouTube earlier today, but I thought I’d go ahead and share those thoughts over here on Tumblr as well. Gelsey posted this vid around the end of August, and I thought she did a good job of covering some of the conflicting opinions on Dark Academia, while at the same time giving a shout out to other perspectives from non-white voices in the community. 

Although I have to admit that I couldn’t make it through Cole’s video. The sound quality seemed to be all over the place, and her entire video comes across as too disjointed (editing-wise) for me to follow. She may have had some good points, but I legitimately couldn’t get through it. Oh well. The shout out was nice on Gelsey’s part though.

Anyway, here were my 2 cents on this topic that I shared over on YouTube regarding Dark Academia and inclusivity:

“This was a very refreshing and well-articulated take on the current discourse I see around Dark Academia and Cottagecore. I don't usually get involved in those conversations on Tumblr because 1) I'm older than the average Tumblr user, and 2) there are plenty of others making points far better than I. With that said, as someone who has lived what is called the Dark Academia lifestyle for most of her teens and 20s, I am getting a little kick out of the idea that a younger generation thinks what I used to do in my full nerd glory is now an aesthetic. 

A little background: I am an African-American woman who majored in English literature, and many of the points you bring up are the same ones we were talking about when I was in college in the late '90s. I also love theater, museums, ballet, and classic films from the 1930s-60s. I used to take pride in my fall wardrobe like no other, and still dream of the day when I can afford a Burberry trench coat. I worked on the literary magazine in both high school and college, was a student of a Great Books program at my university (see Wiki for reference: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_books), studied abroad in the UK for a semester, and spent many a night in college dorm lobbies pontificating about philosophy, theology, poetry, history, psychology and language -- all mostly from a European & Euro-American perspective. 

I think the important thing to remember is that like you mentioned with regard to the vintage fashion community, we have the option to change and adapt Dark Academia to suit our own individual interests and perspectives. Yes, we can love British, Irish and American literature; wax effusive about the European philosophers who we think are overrated; and dress in all the corduroy and tweed that makes our hearts flutter. But we can also admire the brilliant artists of the Mexican Renaissance and Harlem Renaissance; study the great ancient thinkers and scholars of North Africa like Hypatia and Ibn Battuta; and appreciate the complexity of jazz just as much as the complexity of classical music. I say this is possible while still living in the Dark Academia aesthetic because I used to do all those things and it never felt insincere or out of character. 

I can't speak for Cottagecore because it's not really my thing, and today, I lean more toward a blend of Dark Academia meets Beat Bohemian (think Neal Cassady & Diane Di Prima). But at the end of the day, I think the best aesthetics are those that can be adapted to the individual and allow people to walk in them with authenticity instead of trying to force everyone into a limited interpretation that leaves many feeling excluded and conflicted about how they relate to it. 

Anyway, I'm sorry for the essay. (I did say I was an English Lit major after all.) Tl;dr -- Great video and thanks for adding your perspective. If anyone has moved to cancel you, don't worry. I have your back. ;-)”

Feel free to share your thoughts. Or not. I’m sure in the grand scheme of things, everyone has far more interesting things to fill their time. 

[sydney-briar-is-alive]

Our Super Fun Cultural Dark Age. Some questions about what I’ve been soaking up.

-By a Sponge.

Fairy tales are interesting because they are originally cultural artifacts. Have you ever read Homer’s Odyssey or Iliad and noticed the language of the text? If not, give one a go!

 A diversion further into why you might ‘give one a go’.

 Secondhand bookshops are brimming with Homer. I mean that. Brimming. They’re practically paved in it. You’d be doing them a service. Most translations use very simple language (more accurate to the original text), honestly Harry Potter uses more complex language and if you don’t like it you can just close the book. So, you can’t have much of an excuse, eh?

 *Thank you*

 Welcoming one back to the actual direction of the writing.

 Now then, regardless. Back to the actual point. They are full of ceaseless references to gods, divinity and praise to ‘Pallas Athena’ and such. I mean, these people probably had Athena bless their milk and Weet Bix every morning. These days, it might seem a bit much to many readers, myself included (pressed wheat scraps are blessing enough). However, these works are cultural artifacts, and as readers we can learn something from the interpretation of the time depicted. They offer a breath of fresh air from dusty old artifacts and lists of statistics from ancient bureaucracies. They give us clues into how actual, regular people, actually thought day to day. How their brains worked.

 Broad, sweeping generalisations aside-

 Generally, in pre-revolutionary France, it’s safe to say a great many people were hungry and angry with the unfair Ancient Regime. Therefore, the French versions of Red Riding Hood and Hansel and Gretel, told at the time were fatalist lessons. Pitting peasant guile against cruel and greedy hoarders of food, rather than treasure or power. Whereas in at the same time in Germany, the same stories were often told as cautionary tales, depicting the horribly violent fates of greedy peasants stealing and the scamming powerful forces around them. The French of the time clearly had a hero of sorts, however the Germans did not. There are possibly hundreds or maybe even thousands of versions of Little Red Riding Hood alone all around the world and all through history all with their own twists and conclusions relevant to the time and place.

The Brother’s Grim famously travelled around assembling these stories from Europe into definitive, marketable versions. More or less standardising fairy tales into the ones we know today. What this means however is that- and be warned, I’m about to make some broad sweeping generalisations! It means that more or less every human culture has had the same stories. From Ancient China to Rome, there was a culturally relevant ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ or ‘Hansel and Gretel’.

This is important to understand because these days, typically when fairy and folk tales are reimagined for an adult audience, they are taken in one of three directions.

 1. Just how lovely and shiny must it be, to not be a dark age?

 The first direction is retelling a familiar story or set of tropes and putting it into a more contemporary setting, such as, high fantasy or outer space. Media that does this is very well known, popular and recognisable. Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Snow White and the Huntsmen, or Maleficent. Typically, these stories are written to appeal to a wide audience and follow particular tropes and ideas, making a big splash at the box office. They need very little introduction, so, that’s it really. Moving on.

 2. Some might say analytics is just punching yourself in the gut, over and over again.

 The second direction is in my opinion more interesting, the self-referential, deconstructive direction. As it typically targets a more niche audience, allowing for a more unique perspective and viewing experience. Media like Pan’s Labyrinth, American McGee’s Alice and Jin Roh: Wolf Brigade. All these reinterpret themes into a more contemporary context, keeping their value as cultural artifacts and ‘true’ fairy and folk tales. While I am not arguing that Star Wars and the Lord of the Rings are not an important part of our culture. They serve a moral and idealistic fantasy that offers an escape to the reality of the world. Rather than interpreting that reality into a fantasy setting. This isn’t to say one is better than the other, this is merely to highlight why one is a more valuable item to our history and culture.

This direction confronts the elements of society and culture that create fairy tales, they are simply a more direct line to the value of the stories. Perhaps then they are not the same, perhaps by doing away with a lot of the symbolism they are no more than blunt instruments? Perhaps it is not fair to lump any media like this together, as each is deserving of its own fresh analysis (I did however warn you about broad, sweeping generalisations). The same can perhaps be said for all of this. Finding the line that separates any of these things is probably more personal and this is all very subjective. So, bearing this all in mind, I will introduce the final direction.

 3. Doctor Frankenstein, and how I learned to stop worrying and fear humanity.

 The ‘Horror’ genre. Now, I will not allude to my warning of broad sweeping generalisations a third time. So by ‘Horror’, I will let you use your own opinion, informed or otherwise. Typically many cultural fears and taboos are explored through horror entertainment. In many ways this is the natural progression of the fairy tale. What makes a horror film scary is relative to what you as a person are afraid of. Films like Dawn of the Dead and It Follows are not particularly scary on their own. But the cultural baggage that follows them is. They pray on our insecurities, which is why different parts will be hilarious and terrifying to different people. The same is true for fairy tales, to a starving person, a Witch living in a house of gingerbread, who lures children in to cannibalise them is probably terrifying. To a starving hungry peasant your entire existence is a battle against a cruel system that starves you and exploits you. So, maybe it is in this way, fairy and folk tales are perhaps better viewed as horror stories?

 That was a question. But you should probably just go on.

 Each of these three directions are a part of our culture and so then a part of us. We need them all to keep our identities. However, the investment in escapist storytelling is an unfortunate trend. This habit of converting important artifacts into objects of escapist fantasy is perhaps damaging to us. It’s in a way a form of censorship and it impacts everyone’s own identity in some way. By not spending time and money on a more balanced approach to storytelling, but rather focusing on a more focused one. It can damage the storytellers themselves. For example, Disney’s company image often directly clashes with this and while they produce many technical and visual masterpieces. Personally, I don’t see them as particularly focused on preserving or analysing culture. Rather creating fantasies based off false, hyper real cultures. The more media a company like this produces along this line, the more normalised its direction becomes. Thusly, the more obscure silenced the other directions become. And while it is important to remember, there will always be demand. But there may not always be works of quality to satisfy that demand.

 In conclusion: squeezing the sponge.

 In many ways this is a very subjective line of thought and please treat it as an attempt to question rather than to answer. I am just trying to have a conversation and I hope this perspective helps you understand what you are soaking up a little bit better. As it has for me! If not, I hope it none the less makes for an interesting read (I have tried to make it fun, honestly). 

To summarise. Paranormal Activity is more of a modern fairy tale than Maleficent. And Pan’s Labyrinth, while certainly using an archaic formula. It is perhaps better viewed as a brilliant satire in a classic formula than a modern fairy tale. The Avengers, Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings are culturally significant and incredible works of fiction, but offer little to society as a hole aside from first class, prime cut, rib eye escapism (that is not to say they cannot have great personal meaning and value). Lastly, history is more than dusty old ruins and bones. It’s more than lists and battle statistics. History is people. It’s us. And if our stories and artifacts reflect us. I think it’d be shameful to be remembered for an age of escapism.

  A final thought-

To all of this, a quantity of pot might beg a question:

Does this then mean we create reality, based off a fear of ourselves?

I don’t know and I haven’t bothered to ask the question, sorry. Perhaps ask your neurologist?

[fortunatelylori]

Hi! I apologise in advance if this question comes off as antagonistic, because I'm worried that it will, but please know that I'm genuinely curious. I've been reading some comments by you and @nothinghappensinalstonville and noticed you're both very critical of Sansa during her arguments with Jon, and seem to think he was absolutely right and she was absolutely wrong. (part 1 of 2)

My question is, can you elaborate on why – if you believe she undermines him and her advice to him is always wrong – you think she’s a good match for him, why you think they’d be a good team, why she’d be a good queen to his king? I’m sorry, my question sounds petulant even to my own ears, but I don’t mean it that way, I promise! I truly would like to hear your thoughts on why she’s good for Jon when you seem to think she’s been so wrong in all their interactions. (part 2 of 2)

Dear nonnie,

…..

I’m trying very hard to contain my frustration right now because you seem like a very nice person. However, I spend a lot of time and energy writing my posts and comments. I try, to the best of my abilities, to be fair and as objective as I possibly can and explain my point of view in detail. That takes quite a bit of thought and effort on my part so to know that, in your case at least, all of that was an utter and complete waste of time is a deeply disheartening feeling. 

To make it clear, I have no issues with people disagreeing with me or having different interpretations. Nor do I have issues with people sending me asks where they challenge my views. What I do take issue with is when my opinions are misrepresented or I’m accused of saying things I didn’t say. 

If you’re genuinely curious to find out my opinion, you could have checked out my blog before sending me this ask. I have a meta page all set up for anyone to go through and see what my opinions are. 

There is a tendency in the GOT fandom to believe that stanning a character should mean that you believe that character is above reproach, is never wrong and anyone who might disagree is not a “true fan”. By and large, the Jonsa fandom is more open to debate on the nature of characters than other groups but even in our little corner, there is a tendency to try to protect the character of Sansa from any and all criticism, mostly in relation to Jon. 

I understand the impulse to a degree. Sansa has been my favorite female character since season 1. I’ve gone on the bat defending her time and time again and I understand people being protective of her because Sansa is very much a maligned character in the rest of the fandom.

However, the way I stan characters doesn’t conform to this approach. To give you a clear example, my favorite literary character of all times is Scarlett O’Hara. That’s not because I believe she is perfect and beyond reproach but rather because of the complexities of her character that include both positive and negative traits. My liking of Sansa Stark is the same.I like characters, flaws and all and I have no problem discussing those flaws and I don’t think I should stop doing it just because fans in general are unfairly criticizing Sansa. That is not a valid argument to me. I would find it completely disingenuous and hypocritical on my part if I spent my time criticizing every other character, which I do, but stopped myself from doing it with Sansa because my opinion does not conform to the general consensus of the Jonsa/Sansa fandom or because she’s already unfairly criticized in other places. 

So, let’s get this over with: 

seem to think he was absolutely right and she was absolutely wrong

you seem to think she’s been so wrong in all their interactions.

I never said that. In this post I said the following: 

My problem with the way this whole thing is presented in the fandom is that it’s taken as a very black and white issue and people feel compelled to either defend Jon or defend Sansa.

The discourse is either:

“OMG! Look! Sansa is undermining Jon! Dark Sansa is coming, people! Alert the presses! This episode … this season … in 2035. It’s coming!“

Or

“Sansa is right. Jon is stupid. He makes decisions with his heart, instead of his head.“

Except that things are never as simple as that and it’s this type of decision that could cost you in the larger scheme of the game of thrones. Deciding whether to pardon the child of a bannerman that betrayed you could go many different ways.

And also: 

So to say that Sansa was right in this situation and Jon was wrong is oversimplifying things. It’s those kinds of decisions that a medieval king/lord is always struggling with and there is no 100% guarantee that you will make the right choice. Jon and Sansa are very young and they have a huge responsibility on their shoulders. There’s a lot you need to learn in order to be a successful ruler, and that goes for Sansa as well as Jon.

In my addendum to that post, I also said: 

I have also talked in the past, on several occasions, about Jon being a poor communicator, acting like a lone operator and blindsiding Sansa with his decisions despite them needing to act like a united front.

In a post I wrote just yesterday, I said this: 

Since season 6, Sansa has been frustrated that Jon doesn’t listen to her:

1. When she argued that he shouldn’t take Winterfell until they had enough men.

2. Before the battle of the bastards, when she warned him about Ramsay and felt that he wasn’t taking her opinion into account

3. In season 7, when she argued against his decision regarding Alys and Ned.

4. In season 7, when she felt he was paying too much attention to the NK and not enough attention to Cersei.

5. Still in season 7, when she told him not to go to Dragonstone and he blindsided her by announcing to everyone that he was, in fact, going.

So this: “this is the way he is, the way he’s always been. he never listens to me” business is a standing issue between them since the start of their relationship in season 6.

I didn’t find it strange that she would say that. She was angry and venting and she’s frustrated with Jon always doing things without talking to her or taking her opinion into account.

if you believe she undermines him 

Except I don’t believe she’s undermining him which is why I wrote an entire meta attacking the “undermining” argument that you can find here. 

In case you don’t want to bother reading all of it, here are a few excerpts: 

Now people have pointed out that, as one of his vassals, Sansa has every right to question him publicly. The problem is that’s not how Jon sees her. He very distinctly separates Sansa from the rest of his court. And since we already had the “we need to trust each other” scene at the end of season 6, I think it’s safe to assume that he sees the two of them as a unit that is supposed to be on the same page so the fact that Sansa speaks out against him in public, instead of privately, feels like a betrayal.

However, if there’s one thing you learn sooner or later, is that there are two sides to every story. That’s why it’s never a good idea to side with one party whenever couples fight.

Because if we look at things from Sansa’s perspective, you can see how she might feel dismissed. The fact of the matter is Jon isn’t the world’s greatest communicator and failed to talk his decision over with Sansa before announcing it to the Council, which in turn makes Sansa feel sidelined, hence her aggressive snark and Joffrey digs.

And that’s because the audience support is very much skewed  in  Jon’s favor. Being on tumblr, sometimes you forget that the Jonsa fam is very much the minority and that exclusive Sansa fans are the unicorns of this fandom (#love4unicorns). The vast majority of this audience will not look at Jon as an unreliable narrator, as every character in this show is, but as the ultimate authority on how this scene should be viewed.

If he says he feels undermined, then it must be because he’s being undermined, which by extension means that Sansa will betray him.

I simply believe that just like Jon, Sansa makes mistakes not only in their conversations but in her approach to certain issues, like the Alys/Ned incident. Jon and Sansa’s arguments, in my opinion, are not clear cut or black and white. There are points to be made on both sides of the debate and pretending like Sansa is completely correct and Jon is wrong is oversimplifying things, as is the reverse. I’ve already talked ad nauseam about the Alys/Ned situation. So here are a 2 other examples: 

Sansa warning Jon that they don’t have enough men  prior to the battle of the bastards: 

She is correct in that they don’t have enough men. That doesn’t change the fact that they’re stuck in the middle of freezing, wintry terrain, a fact that is brought into the plot by Davos who says Stannis lost the war primarily because of the weather, which is in fact correct. In addition to that, by that point they’ve already tried to gather up more men and were denied at almost every turn. It’s not that Jon can’t count, it’s that he doesn’t see any possibility of getting more men and is afraid that he’s going to lose the men he has if he waits. That is a valid argument. 

The reason why Sansa is so resistant is because she knows there’s the possibility of getting more men but dreads having to resort to calling the Knights of the Vale because Littlefinger comes attached to that particular deal. Jon can’t really be blamed for that since he doesn’t know. 

Sansa warning Jon that Ramsay will try to trick him: 

She is correct in her assessment of Ramsay. However her: “Don’t do what he wants you to do” isn’t going to help Jon much, is it? What does that mean? How do you build a strategy around that? She doesn’t know either. Saying that Jon should have listened to Sansa in this instance is … I mean, listen to her about what? He can do absolutely nothing with the info that Sansa provides. 

Her being angry that Jon doesn’t specifically ask for her opinion in a meeting where she is present is also, quite frankly, debatable. Could he have asked? Yes. Could she have just said what she thought instead of taking her frustration out on him in private? Also yes. 

That’s about it … These are the instances where I kind of lean  towards Jon’s point of view more than Sansa’s but also acknowledge the fact that she has reasons to say the things she says, thus making it a more complex situation than one of them being wrong and the other right. 

For those 3 instances, I am now stuck writing another extremely long post trying to defend what are not, as far as I can see, opinions that should garner this amount of controversy. 

But since now I must also atone for those opinions by proving just how much I love Sansa, here is the list of reasons why I believe they’re a good match and she’ll make a good queen to Jon’s king: 

1. She is more politically minded than he is. Their debate on trusting Tyrion is proof enough of that. She also has experience in dealing with an extremely treacherous court in King’s Landing and that will prove very useful in managing their future court. An experience Jon completely lacks. 

2. He has a tendency to be impulsive whereas she is more controlled and strategic. They balance each other out. Jon is a big picture thinker which is fine but that can cause him to miss details that might turn into huge conflicts later on whereas Sansa is much more aware of the subtleties of situations and can identify potential risks. 

3. Jon has a hero complex and a self-sacrificing streak, where he wants to save and protect everyone. Sansa is more willing to accept the possibility that you can’t always do that. But Jon will continue to try to protect people so he needs someone to protect him, sometimes even from himself which is what Sansa can do for him. 

4. In my post regarding the alliances that Sansa and Jon can make, I called Sansa the most eligible match in Westeros. The amount of allies and strategic power she can bring to the table is undeniable and will be among the main reasons why they end up king and queen.

5. They’re both humanists. Despite Sansa’s more calculated temperament (something she learned, btw because naturally she’s not a calculated person),  she would have given a mob of people that attacked her and almost raped her bread if she had had it, she takes charge of calming the spirits of the women during the Battle of the Blackwater and as Jon’s regent, she supervises the food storing and preparations for winter. They both have the same view of what leadership is and the kind of leaders they want to be. They both very much see leadership as a duty and want to do right by the people that they govern.

6. On a personal level, they’re both romantics who dream about a quiet, domestic life. They want to have children and raise a family. So their personal goals and temperaments are aligned. 

7. Jon is insecure, particularly when it comes to how other people view him and since the moment they have been reunited, not only has Sansa understood that but given him the validation he needs to feel secure, content and happy. In turn, Jon can be the brave, gentle and strong man that Ned promised Sansa and that she’s always dreamed about. 

8. They fight a lot, they both make good and bad point along the way but at the end of the day, their fights are constructive and lead to both of them growing and developing as people. They push each other to be better. 

There are probably many more reasons that can be added but this is all I can come up with at this time. 

One more thing I’d like to add before I finish this:

I was under the, perhaps mistaken, impression that people sending me asks or reading my blog were interested in my honest opinion on topics and not just in answers and posts that validate their pre-existing views. If that is the case, I don’t think my blog is for you. I will never shy away from expressing my thoughts on a subject, even when that might be controversial. So if that bothers you, I understand. Please unfollow me, block me or otherwise scroll past me if you feel leaving a comment disagreeing is not enough. I don’t want to make anyone’s fandom experience anything less than a happy one, if I can help it. 

So, in an effort, to keep the Jonsa fandom experience a positive one for myself, I’d like to let everyone know that this will be my final answer on this subject. If you’re ever tempted to send me an ask telling me that I don’t think Sansa is entitled to voice her opinions, that I think Sansa is undermining Jon, that I’m trying to steal her agency in order to prop up Jon or that I think Sansa is always wrong and Jon is always right, please know that I will delete those asks and not answer them. I really don’t like doing that because I love talking to you guys and I really appreciate your interest in my blog and my opinions but at this point, if you still believe all of those things, there’s literally nothing I can say that will change your mind. Thank you for understanding!

Have a nice day, nonnie!

[blaperile]

Homestuck Epilogues - Meat - Page 4

[aikasacolle]

Origins of Mizuchi - Creator’s Inspiration

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/134638137/mizuchi-visual-novel

Hello, Roxie here. The team is extremely pleased the alpha demo was released and overall well received by players. However, there is some confusion about the game’s setting that needs to be addressed from first impressions. It was somewhat explained on my very first post discussing character designs. Which you can find here: Mizuchi 白蛇心傳 Character Designs

If you would like to know “why” I made the decisions as I did, read on. I will bring up some backstory as to why Mizuchi was created as well. There’s also some spoilers if you haven’t played the demo.

Demo Here: https://aikasacolle.itch.io/mizuchi

You have been warned. Now please bear with me in the below ramble.

Aikasa Collective is a team with a majority of us being of Asian descent. I’ll mention those that make up the general character design and setting. I am Vietnamese-American, Moonsta (Artist) is Taiwanese, and NatalieAO (Colorist) is from Hong Kong. We were all familiar with the Legend of the White Snake 白蛇傳 in our own way as it is that famous.

Character Design Set-Up

I hand over the character profile and country to Moon, advising her to do her own interpretation of the traditional design since it’s a “fantasy”. She did her own research and after a few drafts we settled on the lineart only. Natalie was found after the first artist could no longer commit. I gave her the same profile, and gave her free reign with colors and patterns. She gave multiple color combinations, some internal voting and voila, the characters were completed. I believe some of the designs are wonderful derivatives, but they are only tributes to their traditional outfit.

I will need to sidetrack a little bit now.

Why was Mizuchi  白蛇心傳 made?

As an avid yuri fan and a bi/pan woman, I really wanted to tell a yuri focused story. I wanted a “pretty” visual novel that had a gritty vibe in order to challenge myself writing things that made me uncomfortable. The story of the White Snake left a memorable impression on me when I was less than 10 years old. I remember going to a friend’s house, watching bits of it in Vietnamese dub (oh yes childhood). It was such a tragic story it affected me still as the image is seared in my memory. Reading up on it, I realized there has been many variations of the legend, but none with a yuri version ;D (that I’m aware of...). I’ve avoided watching any recent iterations of the legend to avoid being influenced as I’m encroaching on much different themes.

So... is there any resemblance to the original tale in Mizuchi?

There is a main character that helps the “snake woman,” they fall in love, and the monk character plays a role. The monk’s role has changed through iterations as well, evil jealous villain to man who must save the MC’s soul. In my case I wanted to make a very kind and responsible nun. Jinhai was influenced by the Buddhist nuns who lived in my bedroom once I left to college. (Long story). I’m sure my “former nun now traveler” being a love interest was a very atypical choice. Is the game religious? Not at all. I love folklores, and I wanted to combine them also within this story :D I’ll give you a rough idea.

1) Legend of White Snake (Viet dubs, yep...)

2) Secret - Small Asian Tale (Dad taught me this one first, Puns)

3) Secret - Not really a tale (But I’ll use them...)

4) Beauty and the Beast (Subconscious I swear)

Where is Mizuchi taking place?

“Ancient Asia fantasy land”. Linh is from the “south”, Jinhai from the “north”, and Ai from ... (you play you learn).

But the house looks Japanese!

Yes, I really think Japanese homes would be a culture shock to someone like Linh, it’s intentional. Tatami mats for example is not common in areas that have a high humidity levels. It’s much harder to maintain.

So where are they exactly?

You will find out in the main game. There is a (silly) explanation as to the house itself.

Why did you pick Chinese, Japanese and Vietnamese stuff in your game?

Vietnamese - It’s what I wanted to see, but I’m still American so I’m sure I didn’t capture anything right. Even the dress isn’t quite right... on purpose of course. After all, I wore it for every Tết growing up. I played off the timelines a little bit just to make things stand out more, or a bit of symbolism as one may see later.

Chinese - I married into a chinese culture and learned the language. I even studied abroad too.

Japanese - This particular culture also has a large role with my in-laws, and I learned this language first during college. Languages play a role in this game.

No country is ever named in the story. I didn’t want to misrepresent any culture, so I thought providing deliberate differences from the source, it would be a more respectable gesture. I’ve also merged material from other cultures around the world within this story. Why? Well... I think it’s worth noting that some things (such as being stoned to death) still happens in real life somewhere, and that is a real type of fear that some people face. Visual novels have the ability to give you an opportunity to see things from someone else’s perspective. If you gain some level of empathy, worry, or understanding of what Linh and others may have gone through, that would be my greatest accomplishment with this game.

Tell me about the game title. (Spoiler-ish below)

We considered before having the game made in multiple languages, including Japanese and Chinese. Skilled translators are VERY expensive. Roughly it’s 10 cents per word: 5 cents for translating, and 5 cents for making it sound good in that language. If I hit the wordcount I was hoping for, it would cost more than the entire game budget for just one language! (This is why bigger companies can afford this for their games). It’s also a lot of work to put it all together... so we decided against it at this time. We also originally wanted to translate the Chinese title 白蛇心傳, which is roughly “The White Snake Love Story.” But “snakes” carry a mixed meaning/stigma across different cultures. It’s also pretty long for a title. So a short Japanese name felt like a better fit considering what we wanted at the time, and it stuck. It worked for Inuyasha and Naruto haha.

You have Japanese text in the demo, why?

It plays a small role. We wanted English-reading players to be as confused as Linh was. If you do manage to understand the Japanese, it will only add to the mystery (not much is lost). Don’t worry, everyone will understand it one way or the other in the full story :D If the game was ever in Japanese, the text would have been in Chinese instead. It was suppose to be interchangeable either way.

I believe that is all I have left to share. Sorry again for the rambling! I hope you found some of it interesting at least... some details will be found in the full game and artbook commentary.

We are still running a Kickstarter campaign for Mizuchi to be made :D As you can tell, I put a “lot” of thought into everything about the game. I am confident with what I want to accomplish with the story, and have been fortunate to have very reliable and consistent teammates! I really want to share a lot of neat things with you, so I’d love your help and support for the game!

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/134638137/mizuchi-visual-novel

See you again!

- Roxie

[butchspace]

Butch-Fem History / Butch Identity Reccs

[Image description: an anonymous ask to butchspace that reads “If you have personal essays or blog recs or books about b-f history or individual butch experience, especially about the b-f dynamic, that would be perfect. A mix of long and short would be great, and links of PDFs would be ideal. I actually meant OFOS, as in old-fashioned old-school butch/fem (@persistentlyfem is a fem example), and by “traditional” I mean the original incarnation of butch as the opposite and lover of the fem. I hope this helps you and thank you very much for your help!” End ID.]

Okay so! I’ve got sucked into making this post and I’m just gonna go ahead and publish before I add even more on and forget to sleep again. Putting it under a cut because of length, if anyone wants a non-readmore version of the post just let me know.

Caveats:

I focused mainly on works I could provide links to; this means that what I’ve provided isn’t necessarily my first pick, but it’s still some good stuff so whatever. (See the Offline/Extended section for more reccs.)

A lot of the pdfs were transcribed in the course of a sleepless night so there’s bound to be typos; if  you wanna tell me about them just message/ask @holzes to avoid clogging this inbox up.

Sadly, most of these works are dominated by white, cis, and able-bodied perspectives. This is especially something I want to remedy in the future in my additions.

It should go without saying, but: I don’t endorse every single opinion in these works or their authors (who for the most part I know little about), they don’t necessarily align with my own views and/or preferences, and I recognize that some of them have issues such as cissexist language and framing (see Content Warnings for more detail). Unfortunately when it comes to LGBT history, a lot of the most prominent texts are outdated or otherwise flawed in some areas and you just have to kind of trudge through it and read critically.

I included dates next to the works for a reason! Some (basically everything written in the early to mid 90s) emerged from a specific time in the lesbian community and obviously some of their statements only make sense in that context (mostly the lesbian feminist movement and its aftermath tbh). Just keep this in mind, it shouldn’t matter too much because those texts are history but just in case…

Just because I couldn’t find a work online doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist out there somewhere.

This is a deeply incomplete list. If you have suggested resources like these (preferably ones available online) including books, essays, articles, blogs, films, youtube videos, etc…. Let me know @holzes.

Content Warnings:

The Q slur (in just about every context), D slur, anecdotal homophobia, mentions of homophobic violence, outdated trans terminology, cissexism / cissexist language, discussion of sex (both academic and semi-explicit), cussing, frequent discussion of bars / probably a mention of alcohol once or twice. Sorry for not providing individual content warnings, this post is already bulky enough. If there’s something you’re rlly concerned about just mssg me @holzes and I’ll do my best to help you out.

And with all that out of the way…….. the actual post begins.

History

“Butch-Fem” by Teresa Theopano (2004)

An extremely succinct, balanced overview of butch-fem best suited for absolute beginners (aka, “what the hell is butch/fem” level). Also a good jumping-off point for anyone lacking historical context for butch-fem. Covers origin, application, and controversies. [Link]

“Lesbian Identities and the Politics of Butch-Femme” by Amy Goodloe (1993)

A rigorous essay that in many ways is a more detailed version of the above; packs a wide range of butch-fem history, controversy, and popular interpretation into a relatively short essay. A nice crash course with a killer annotated bibliography to build off of. [Link]

excerpt from Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold: The History of a Lesbian Community by Elizabeth Lapovsky Kennedy & Madeline Davis (1993)

This excerpt from the introduction explicates the existence of working-class lesbian bar cultures in North America from the 1930s to the 1950s as well as the butch-fem dynamic that accompanied and shaped these cultures. The second section of this excerpt is perhaps best read as a companion piece to The Return of Butch and Femme (see below), especially as relates to Kennedy and Davis’s criticism of Faderman’s attitudes toward butch-fem. The entire book is well worth the read, but if you’re pressed for time, Chapters 5, 6, and 9 will be most relevant for your purposes. [Link to excerpt] [Link to full book]

“The Return of Butch and Femme: A Phenomenon in Lesbian Sexuality of the 1980s and 1990s” by Lillian Faderman (1992)

A thorough examination of how butch-fem became deeply “politically incorrect” through the lens of 1970s lesbian feminism, as well as its persistence throughout that decade and its restoration (and transformation) in the 1980s and 1990s. Perhaps Faderman’s most balanced examination of butch-fem (but don’t worry, she still throws around every anti-butch-fem critique and stereotype that she can justify including) and an informative history of how modern butches and femmes arose and if/how we differ from our predecessors. Read with section two of the above for best results. [Link]

Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers: A History of Lesbian Life in Twentieth-Century America by Lillian Faderman (1991)

Might as well, yeah? The book is a very interesting/enlightening semi-comprehensive history and a groundbreaking work in lesbian history literature. If you wanna cheat, Chapter 7 is the one that focuses primarily on butch-fem. [Link]

Personal Narratives

“Double Trouble” by Lesléa Newman (1995)

A brief personal reflection by a femme on her traditional femme-butch relationship. [Link]

Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme eds. Ivan E. Coyote & Zena Sharman (2011)

An interesting collection of a broad variety of fem and butch perspectives. Essays range from emotional personal narratives to a mix of historical and personal analysis. I’ve provided links to a few that seem most relevant to your interest.

“Femme Butch Feminist” by Jewelle Gomez [Link]

“No Butches, No Femmes: The Mainstreaming of Queer Sexuality” by Victoria A. Brownworth [Link]

“What We Know to Be True” by Sasha T. Goldberg [Link]

“Spotlight” by Debra Anderson [Link]

Gender Troubles: The Butches (2016, dir. Lisa Plourde)

You might have seen this going around back when it was free to watch for a few months. It’s basically a long string of interviews with a few butches and it’s a nice watch, although I’m not sure how/where you can watch it now. [Link]

Extended (aka Stuff I Haven’t Read Yet and Am Thus Nervous to Recc)

In no particular order,

A Restricted Country by Joan Nestle (1987)

The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader ed. Joan Nestle (1992)

I haven’t read either of Nestle’s groundbreaking works because I’m Fake but she’s probably the most influential writer on butch/fem by far so she can not be recommended highly enough.

Zami: A New Spelling of My Name by Audre Lorde (1982)

A biomythography that focuses partially on lesbian bar culture in NYC, Connecticut, and Mexico. The plain text is online if you can work with that. [Link]

Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg (1993) 

This one’s only not in the main section because I figured you already knew about it, since it’s legally free online. It’s a novel, which I learned only recently. [Link]

Final Notes

For further reading and essays/books, I highly recommend digging through the notes/sources of the works I’ve linked above and jotting down anything that looks interesting or that gets mentioned a lot.

In terms of access–if you’re a college student or live in a college town, go to the college library (or public library, although these have been far less helpful for me) and find their LGBT section. Some places might surprise you. If you’re a college or high school student, go to your school library’s webpage and look for any access to databases you might have as a student, and exploit the hell out of whatever you find. If you’re not a student and/or don’t have access to a good library (or cannot use whatever resources you do have due to risk of outing yourself), stick to whatever you can find online.

Finally, I remembered @closet-keys‘s butch/femme research guide shortly after finishing this post. So, here’s that. [Link]

Thank you so much if you made it this far and I hope this answer helps out you, anon, at least a little, as well as anyone else who makes use of it!

-Mod P

[smolfangirl]

All I want for Christmas is a mistletoe

For the girls @strawberriesindenial, and especially for @lifesruiner, who literally said “ I've never needed something so much in my lifeeeeeee “, for waiting 10 months. It’s not the most perfect thing, but my wrists are hurting and I should finally give them a rest, but I still hope it’s what you wanted!

Merry Christmas to you all!

Luna loved the Roller’s Open nights. She loved listening to all her friends, she loved being up on the stage, a microphone in her hand and a melody playing that only waited for her voice to join.

Or usually she loved the Opens.

Today, a nervousness crept into her bones ever since Juliana entered the stage to draw the pairings for the upcoming Random Open.  She threw a glance over to the table to her right. Matteo sat there, wearing his (and hers) favorite button-down and the ever-apparent smile on his face.

Just the slightest chance of singing with him did very unfortunate things to her heart.

Suddenly, his eyes found hers – his grin deepened – and she completely missed that Jim and Ramiro were the next one to be assigned a song.

Her cheeks heated up as she attempted to mirror his smile, and in return Matteo lit up, like a shooting star in the night sky, something she noticed happened a lot recently. And every time, it left her utterly, utterly speechless.

“Luna and Matteo! You’ll be our next performers!”, Juliana declared, an excited tone in her voice that failed to resonate with Luna. “Let’s see which song you will be singing.”

Uh-oh. With her luck, they’d end up with a love song and she had no clue how to possibly survive this.

“All I want for Christmas is you! Quite a draw.”

What a surprise.

As of right now, Luna regretted none of her life choices more like the one who got her to sign up for this Open. It only got worse when she caught his eyes and he gave her a wink.

Could she die? In this very moment?

Luna looked away. Nina sent her what should have been a supporting smile but formed into a grimace, along with a cough fit. “Hey, Luna”, it came from behind her, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost, how come?”

She was too afraid to glare in his direction. Instead, she focused on Juliana, who talked about how this Random Open could be a gift for all of them, if they allowed each other to explore new perspectives. Under her breath, Luna cursed. Singing with Matteo didn’t feel like a gift. It felt like skating through a street covered with puddles, like being thrown into the ocean when she never learned how to swim. It felt like a curse, that she’d had to be so close to him but never tell him that his mere presence caused her train thought to rear away from the tracks.

“I didn’t see a ghost”, Luna huffed. Matteo sighed, “Well, you don’t seem excited to perform with me either.”

By default, she now turned to him. His eyes captivated her, this warm brown and the mischievous spark that turned into something else altogether when she failed to answer. He leaned closer, his voice a soft whisper only meant for her ears. “No, I mean it, Luna, are you alright? If you want, I can see whether Juliana lets us change partners.”

His last sentence worked like a wake-up call. “What? No! It’s, uh, because of the song. I’m just… not sure if I can pull this off.” A little frown slipped on his face. “I mean, how could I not be alright when I get to sing with the one and only chico fresa?” (She almost meant it.)

Like this, Matteo fully smiled. “You could say the draw was in your favor, chica delivery.”

There was a mistletoe.

There was a mistletoe on stage, dangling from the middle of the stage and a hole in her chest where once her heart beat. Not once in her life had she been this nervous.

“Luna, why are you staring at the stage? We have to get ready”, Matteo reminded her from the other corner of the wardrobe. “You mean, you have to. I’m not the one who needs fifteen minutes to fix my hair.” Teasing him helped to calm her down – though if her gaze stayed on him for too long, everything inside her began to feel alive and moving and dizzy.

“Forgive me for wanting to look good for our audience”, he replied, a grin sneaking into his tone and ruining his seemingly offended protest. Instantly, Luna bit her tongue. They both knew he always looked good, so she didn’t need to remark how perfect his short curls were.

By then, the existence of the mistletoe appeared in the back of her head again.

“Why again did we agree to be the first on stage?”, she asked. Towards the end, her voice faded. She hated it. Matteo, on the other hand, interpreted this the wrong way. “Are you really that nervous, chica delivery?”

He got up and walked over before he pulled her into a hug. As his scent slowly interrupted her thinking, Luna sighed. Even her pulse reached a somewhat normal level. “Remember that this should be fun, yeah? That song has nothing on you, I know you can do this. And if you get lost, look at me, okay? Just follow my lead.”

She nodded. As long as he stayed away from that mistletoe.

It started all too well.

She walked on stage, a single light following her, no sound filling the air except her voice and a simple piano melody. They had agreed on this slow build-up – it reminded Luna of how she stumbled upon her feelings for him. First, it had been a smile, then stolen glimpses in her direction and banters with a new underlying spark. Nowadays, when he met her eyes, it sparked a spectacular firework show inside her, and that’s how she wanted the song to sound like too. Especially because she never found the courage to tell him about all the little and big things she liked about him.

Matteo joined her, his gaze focused on her, on nothing and no one else, and something green flickered dangerously in the corner of Luna’s vision.

I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know

Luna tripped over this line, only felt safer when she whirled around, away from him and fought the impulse to get closer to him.

And I don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree

With a spin around her – in the audience Gastón grinned like an idiot – Matteo stood in front of her. His open palm waited for hers. Without a second thought, she intertwined their fingers. A moment later, a huge smile tugged on the corner of her mouth. She forgot even about the mistletoe.

Make my wish come true, all I want for Christmas is you

They faced each other. The lights painted colorful sparkles in his eyes and she remembered his words from earlier, that if she got lost in the warmth surrounding her, but the words came easier the less she thought about them.

I don’t want a lot for Christmas, this is all I’m asking for

They danced like the first time they practiced, when no one was watching, and her stomach ached from laughing too much.

How could she ever had regretted signing up for this Open? Singing with Matteo gave her a joy she hadn’t experienced with neither Simón, Nina nor her parents.

All I want for Christmas is you

The world around them disappeared, he pulled her towards him, his grip firm and yet soft on her waist. To her surprise, she found that the song was already ending.

And that they stood right underneath that damn mistletoe.

Silence fell after they stopped singing, so much silence that Luna swore everyone in the room had to hear her racing heart. Matteo’s eyes wandered to the mistletoe and back to her.

To her lips.

A shaky breath trembled out of her lungs.

“Well, a tradition is a tradition, after all”, Matteo whispered, voice all rough and husky. His hand found her cheek, stroke it. Her eyes fluttered shut as she tilted her head, made it easier for him.

His lips found hers.

When she woke up from her trance, Luna sat on the bench between the lockers. Alone.

The memory of that kiss sent shivers over her body and she imagined the pull of his mouth on her lips, imagined the way his body felt against her own.

She closed her eyes. Matteo had kissed her. Matteo, Matteo, Matteo.

“Hey.”

Like that, adrenaline flooded her veins again. “Hey.”

He sat down. Their knees bumped into each other. “What a night, huh?”, she heard herself say. Matteo stayed silent.

“Listen, I – what happened…” A hint of red color appeared on his cheeks, his gaze caught her, drew her in, even when it wasn’t directed at her eyes, but at her mouth. Because it was directed at her mouth.

Within a minute, they were kissing again.

Luna danced down the stairs, humming the melody of her now favorite Christmas song. Only as she almost crashed into Ámbar did she stop. “Lunita, can’t you look where you’re going?”

Contrary to Luna, the other girl sounded none too happy this morning.

“Sorry”, Luna replied. Her grin refused to fade, though. Ámbar paused for a moment, a frown on her forehead. “Lunita, you look quite happy for the fact Matteo only kissed you because of that mistletoe yesterday.”

So that was where she wanted to go? Luna smiled even more. Usually, she pretended to not notice these little insults, but today she decided to give her a taste of her own medicine. She smiled even more, causing Ámbar’s frown to deepen. “Oh, thank you, Ámbar, that’s sweet, but you don’t need to worry about what my boyfriend did and why.”

For the fraction of a moment, her jaw nearly dropped.

However, she caught herself and if Luna wouldn’t know any better, she’d describe Ámbar’s smile as genuine. “Congratulations, then! I wish you the best.”

Luna grinned, “Thank you”, before she left a still surprised Ámbar on the stairs.

On Christmas Eve, just as Luna sat down with her parents for dinner, the bell rang.

“I’m gonna go”, she exclaimed and jumped up.

“Matteo?”

He stood in front of her, a plain white shirt and these jeans that stretched his legs and looked fantastic, but what ultimately caught her attention was the big red bow he had tied around his torso. “What’s that?”

“If I remember correctly, chica delivery, you sang ‘All I want for Christmas is you’ while you looked into my eyes, like this”, he pulled a grimace that perhaps was meant to be sexy. A laugh tickled her throat. “You idiot”, she giggled and pulled him in for a kiss.

[writesandramblings]

The Captain’s Secret - p.63

“A Laughing Rain”

A/N: This chapter covers the events of episode 5, "Choose Your Pain."

Full Chapter List Part 1 - Objects in Motion << Part 62 - A Matter of Record Part 64 - Where the Wild Things Are >>

The salvation of Corvan II was only the first of many miracles. In the ensuing weeks, Discovery broke the Klingon supply lines at Benzar and routed an attack in the Ophiuchus system. In the eyes of Starfleet Command, the spore drive was now a proven technology, and one they needed in all their ships.

They summoned him to the forward command station for a strategy meeting and demanded the technology be rolled out for more starships, but the problem was not their ability to duplicate the drive technology. The real limiting factor was the tardigrade. They only had the one, and without Ripper, the spore drive was unreliable at best and dangerously unstable at worst.

Lorca stood there as Cornwell, apparently failing to appreciate the fact Discovery had only obtained its tardigrade by accident, insisted he somehow do more to make the drive available to everyone else while simultaneously berating him for putting their only fully-operational spore drive at risk by actually using it.

Worse, she seemed entirely oblivious to her own hypocrisy.

He tried to object to her, rank be damned, because this was as unfortunate a tactical failing on her part as could occur, and she responded to this breach of respect by doubling down firmly in front of the other admirals and captains assembled:

"We believe the enemy may have identified Discovery as our secret weapon. You are hereby ordered to reign in your use of the spore drive unless authorized by Starfleet."

How, he wondered as he stood there listening to Cornwell denigrate his achievements, could they possible call it a secret weapon if they did not deploy it?

There was also the issue that every jump seemed to drain the tardigrade, but this meeting was going badly enough without him giving Cornwell an actual problem to castigate him about, so he kept that fact to himself.

When the meeting concluded, he hung back in the conference room and considered everything that had just gone down, quietly condemning the entire assembly of blowhards and fools who had decided to sideline their best weapon when they needed it most.

He was there long enough that the medicine in his eyes began to wear off. He dimmed the lights and began to reapply it. He had only dosed one of his eyes when the lights went suddenly to full and he let out a strangled cry of pain and shouted, "Turn it down!"

It was Cornwell. "Sorry. Didn't know you were still in here," she said, too casual for it to be an honest apology, because it wasn't. She was still displeased about his attempt to counter her orders during the meeting and clearly failed to appreciate the fact his insubordination had been partly an attempt to save her from her own tactical shortcomings. To her, it was simply the latest in a recent string of insubordinations stemming from her failure to keep a tighter rein on him over the years. The only thing worse than a subordinate's misbehavior was the realization that you had bred it into existence yourself.

Lorca also suspected she had entirely known he was in still in the room and turned the lights up on purpose, because she immediately launched into a lecture about the unfortunate nature of his decision to interpret a captain's wartime powers as permission to enlist convicted criminal Michael Burnham into his crew.

He was supposed to have the latitude to fight this war as he saw fit but at every turn Cornwell seemed to be denying him this crucial autonomy. The one person in Starfleet Command he thought would have his back and all she wanted was to hold him back.

It was jealousy, he decided. "Are you uncomfortable with the power I've been given, admiral?"

"I'm your friend," she said, immediately seeing through the accusation for what it was.

"Mm-hm," he replied, sounding about as convinced of that as he was of the wisdom of their decision to suspend Discovery's involvement in the war. He stood up from the conference table. "It's my ship. My way."

He left her there, walked out, because it was the only thing he could do to keep from erupting into an exchange of words they would both regret.

He was still thinking over the meeting's events as he sat in the shuttle on the way back to Discovery. What if they never found another tardigrade? Then sidelining Discovery would have been for nothing. How could Cornwell not see that? It also hardly mattered if Discovery survived the war or not, at least where the drive technology was concerned. Starfleet had the schematics and information needed to make it work if they could locate another tardigrade. And if the technology fell into hands of the Klingons without access to a tardigrade, well, that would probably cause the Klingons to do more harm to themselves than anything else.

The only point he could think of in Cornwell's favor was if—and it was a big if—both the drive and Ripper fell into the Klingons' hands, it would be game over.

He'd blow up the ship before letting that happen. Certainly he'd proven his willingness to do as much already.

Alarms began going off in the shuttle.

"Warning. Incoming warp signature detected."

The Klingons were on top of them like butter on toast, the green light of a tractor beam shimmering through the shuttle windows. Lorca grabbed the phaser rifles by the door, tossed one to the pilot, and took up a position to the side of the door, but the pilot was not a savvy tactician and stood in the middle of the shuttle absent any cover. The Klingons were upon him almost as soon as the doors were open.

Lorca never got the chance to fire his rifle. The Klingons had anticipated his position and wrenched it from his hands, forcing him to resort to throwing punches against opponents who were stronger, better armed, and outnumbered him. A Klingon female clad entirely in white grabbed him and pushed him up against the wall. There was no winning this situation, but as the shuttle pilot slid to the floor, dead from a pair of stabs to the chest, Lorca realized that if the Klingons wanted him dead they would have done so.

He held up his hands in surrender. He heard the Klingon woman say his name.

This was no mere happenstance. He had been targeted.

The Klingon woman pushed him into the cruiser's corridors, driving him like a sheep through dark, angular hallways.

"A little rougher back there and I might think you were coming on to me," quipped Lorca. The Klingon jabbed her fist into his back, pushing him to his knees, and he smiled to himself as he got back up. "Now we're talking."

The next time she hit him, the lights went out.

The news of Lorca's capture rippled across Discovery. Saru found himself suddenly acting captain under circumstances he would never had asked for in a million years. The idea of attaining captaincy by such means was not only unfortunate, it was deeply unsettling.

He did not feel ready.

Cornwell's orders were clear. Recover Lorca before the Klingons could pry the secrets of the spore drive from him. It was a deceptively simple task, but Saru promised it could be done, even if he was not certain it could be. With Cornwell's words echoing in his ears, Saru questioned whether he was the correct person to carry these orders out.

And then Burnham came to tell him she thought they should stop using the tardigrade, the one thing that potentially offered them an edge when it came to rescuing Lorca, because the creature was reaching its limit. They discussed it in Lorca's ready room, which was unfortunately available.

"I mentioned this to the captain and he said we would discuss it when he came back," Burnham said.

"The captain is not coming back unless we can rescue him," said Saru. "And for that we will need the tardigrade."

Burnham remained intent on having Saru come around to her perspective. "I'm concerned that we are negatively impacting the tardigrade with each jump we make..." Her argument was fervent and sound, but Saru had been pushed around by Michael Burnham enough in his life. He denied Burnham's request and declared no further discussion of the subject until after the captain was back.

As Burnham left, Saru felt in some way that he was already failing Lorca. He requested data from the computer on Starfleet's most decorated captains and saw Georgiou's name on the list, but the information did not help him. It was too abstract.

There was one person who knew Lorca better than anyone. He sought her out.

Lalana's response to the news of Lorca's kidnap was to press her hands so tightly together it seemed as if they might break. Her fur writhed faintly. "I very much wish to know what you believe Captain Lorca would do in this situation," said Saru.

Lalana did not reply immediately. When she finally spoke, she said this:

"You must do absolutely everything and anything you can to return the captain to Discovery. If you do not get Gabriel back, then everything on this ship will collapse. You must not let this happen, Saru. If you do anything and everything, then you will succeed, so that is what you must do. Do not let anyone stop you or stand in your way. Discovery is not Discovery without Captain Lorca. And as for myself, I am not done with his face."

Saru stared. "Surely that is an exaggeration."

"Is it? This ship is like an ecosystem. Gabriel's will brought it together and has been tending it since. He has protected everyone, he has created this ambitious project into which we have all been swept. He is what humans call 'a true visionary.' I think you are most interesting, Mr. Saru, but are you possessed of vision such as your captain has? Get him back, Saru. For all of our sakes.”

As Saru passed back through the lab on his way out, he saw Mischkelovitz cradling Lorca's tribble and whispering to it. "Shh. Don't worry, Gabe's coming back." Saru did not think she intended the words for the tribble so much as herself.

Lorca awoke in a Klingon cell in the company of three other human prisoners.

The first was Harcourt Fenton Mudd, a bearded civilian who loftily announced his presence to be the result of a failure to pay off creditors for the purchase of a moon. Tossed to the Klingons in lieu of a debtor's prison. He had a pet with him, a sort of space tarantula he called Stuart.

The second was a human whose name Lorca never got, because the Klingons came in and made short work of the man as a demonstration of their cruelty for Lorca's benefit. Lorca reacted viscerally to the sight of the man's beating, closing his eyes and wincing as the crunch of the man's head under the Klingon's boot suggested he had outlived his usefulness to the Klingons. The Klingons dragged the man's corpse away by the leg for disposal.

"You're gonna want to stick with me," said Mudd in the silence that followed the Klingons' departure. "I'm a survivor, just like you." The notion disgusted Lorca.

The third prisoner Lorca only discovered after Mudd had fallen asleep. A Starfleet lieutenant, his uniform caked with untold weeks of filth, hiding behind some conduits, had slept through the entire exchange with the Klingon guards. The fact that he had slept through such a horrible event said a lot about the state of things in this prison ship, as well as how long the lieutenant had been here. The man's brain had adjusted to such commotion as background noise and found it no reason to wake up.

Lorca sat down on the floor. The light burned his eyes. His ocular spray had been lost in the dust-up with the Klingons. Screams echoed down the hallways. His head was still pulsing faintly from the whack the white-clad woman had knocked him out with.

Despite the situation, despite all of the terror and despair and sheer hopelessness of it all, the lieutenant offered Lorca some food he had ferreted away, a piece of stale cracker. Lorca refused. The young man clearly needed it more than Lorca did. The lieutenant insisted: "I already lost one captain, I don't want to lose another."

There was a heavy strain of loyalty in those words. That was something Lorca appreciated in an officer. "What's your name, soldier?"

"Lieutenant Ash Tyler."

Tyler had been on the Yeager, a ship disabled at the Battle of the Binaries seven months ago. Seven months in Klingon prison. When Lorca pointed this out, Tyler gave a small laugh. The reaction struck Lorca as wrong. "Nobody survives Klingon torture for seven months."

Apparently they did when the Klingon captain in charge of the torture took a liking to them. The white-clad Klingon woman.

Lorca could see the pain on the Tyler's face admitting this. He focused Tyler on the facts: the crew complement, the layout, the information they needed to escape. Lorca just needed to find his way to an active comm relay to signal Discovery.

"We're deep within enemy territory," said Tyler. He had long since learned the futility of hope in this place. "There's no way a Federation ship can make it out this far undetected."

"Oh, my ship can," promised Lorca with a smile. "It's like a ghost." Then Mudd's little spider made off with the cracker, purloining the sole source of sustenance in the room for its obnoxious master.

The Klingons came for Lorca not long after. They grabbed him by the neck and dragged him away to the feet of their white-clad captain, depositing him first onto the floor and then yanking him up to his feet and strapping him into an immobilizing chair.

"Have you ever been tortured before, captain?"

He answered her questions with non sequiturs. She asked about torture, he complimented her English. She listed off his victories the past three weeks, beginning with Corvan, as a sort of taunt. There must have been another Klingon ship cloaked at Corvan that had brought back news of Discovery. Damn that cloaking technology. He was going to have Mischkelovitz redirect more time to cracking it when he got back. The mycelial map was not more important than stopping the Klingons.

Then she called his ship a ghost, the exact words he had spoken to Tyler. Her English was good, but not so good she could have plucked that word out of nowhere.

There was a spy in that prison cell.

She knew, too, about his photosensitivity. When she mentioned it, Lorca taunted her for sleeping with Tyler. She slammed her hand across his face and said, "How strange space must look to you now, through those damaged eyes. A cosmos full of agonizing light."

She may have known some facts about him, but he knew right then and there she would never understand him fully, even if she was right on some counts. As she fixed his eyelids open and blasted his eyes with light that turned his voice into a rising scream of agony, he took comfort in the fact she did not grasp the magnitude of his will, the truths of his desires, or the strength of his endurance.

"Tell me your secret!" she demanded, switching off the lights so he could provide an answer that was not a wordless scream. "Tell me what it is that makes Discovery do what other ships cannot!"

"The secret," he said, "is to use an extra stick of butter. Salted. Make those cookies fluff right up."

The lights came back on. His eyes watered desperately, unable to blink away the burn of air on the surface of his eyeballs and equally powerless to staunch the flood of light. His scream formed words. "Stop! Turn it off!"

The lights remained on. "Tell me and it will stop!"

He screamed, and screamed, and then it turned into a laugh. The Klingon captain stared at Lorca in faint amazement. She was certain by the readouts of the medical monitors on the walls that he was in excruciating pain, and yet he was laughing. What kind of monster was this Federation captain?

Culber administered a set of mild performance enhancers to several key members of Discovery. Unfortunately, Lorca had been taken in late afternoon, three-quarters of the way through most of the day shifts, and they needed their best and brightest on hand if they were going to get him back quickly. With any luck, they would find Lorca before these modest enhancements wore off and the best minds of the crew fell asleep.

He mentioned this to Stamets as he injected the neurostimulator in one of the private rooms off of the main sickbay area.

"Do we have to save him?" asked Stamets, face twisting with desperation.

Culber shook his head at Stamets, smiling faintly. "I know you don't mean that," Culber said.

Stamets pressed a hand to his face. "You're right, I don't, but some part of me..." He sighed. "I hate who he's turning me into! Not to mention what he’s doing to my research."

It broke Culber's heart faintly to see Stamets like this and he enveloped his husband into a hug, running his hand across Stamets' back. "He's not making you into anything, you are too strong to be undone by the likes of that man."

"You think?" said Stamets with a hopeful frown, feeling the stubble of Culber's beard on his cheek. It was a comfortingly familiar sensation.

Culber withdrew to arm's length and brushed a hand across Stamets' hair. "I don't think, I know. I know you, Paul Stamets, and you every bit now the man you were when I married you."

"And when you met me?"

That made Culber's lips press into a mischievous smile. "Give me some credit, our meeting made you a much better person." Stamets hummed in satisfaction at that and slid right back towards Culber, kissing him in loving gratitude.

After a moment, Stamets said, "You know what would really help me work?" Culber could scarcely believe what he was hearing. "You said yourself, there's no better way to de-stress and help me focus! In your professional medical opinion—"

Culber shut Stamets up with a kiss that turned into the exact bit of medicine Stamets was requesting. "If the captain finds out we delayed rescuing him for this," said Stamets, then decided Lorca was the last person he wanted to think about for the next few minutes.

When eventually the conversation resumed, Culber went straight back to the subject of the captain. "Now you have to go find him."

Stamets tilted his head. "I’m beginning to think you actually want Lorca back." It was not an accusation, more a confused observation.

Culber considered that. "I don't like Captain Lorca any more than you do, but there are some people on this ship who do like him. And he's not nice to us, but..." Even if Lorca had been a little rough with Mischkelovitz, he had also given her the tribble off his desk to comfort her when she was scared, and Mischkelovitz seemed to adore him, as disturbing as that was.

"I'm sorry, he was nice to someone?" Even the crew who did like Lorca rarely described him as nice. Funny, smart, and good-looking were the most commonly-used positives, usually couched by negatives that seemed to tip the balance more against the captain than for.

Culber shrugged, not sure what to make of it himself. "I'm just saying the man doesn't deserve whatever the Klingons will do to him."

It was a sobering thought. "No, he doesn't," said Stamets. Nobody deserved that.

Lorca's last words to the Klingon captain were, "Same time tomorrow?" as she retreated from the torture chamber, momentarily defeated by his resolve. The guards escorted Lorca back to his cell, but as dire as circumstances were, this was a resounding victory. He had made it back to Mudd and Tyler on his own two feet, having revealed nothing more damaging than his grandmother's cookie recipe.

Which did not excuse the mole in their midst. The door closed behind him and Lorca charged Mudd, plucked the listening device from Mudd's little "pet," and crushed it under the heel of his boot. "You've been feeding intel on every prisoner that passed through here," Lorca concluded, and threw Mudd's spider against the wall with every ounce of strength he had. Mudd went tearing after the spider, frantic with what seemed to be actual affection.

Tyler followed and pushed Mudd against the wall. "You're finished," he said to Mudd, and then released him, because they were Starfleet, and they did not do the Klingons' dirty work for them, even to Federation traitors like Mudd.

Mudd stroked his spider as he moved away from the wall. "Captain, are you really gonna let this young man humiliate himself by siding with you, hm?"

And then Mudd let Tyler know exactly what kind of captain Lorca was: the kind of captain who abandoned his ship. Mudd knew, as everyone did, the terrible fate of the Buran. His case to Tyler was simple. Lorca was not a captain who deserved Tyler's loyalty, because he had shown none to his own crew.

Lorca stood there and listened to this condemnation, unable and unwilling to deny his actions, guilt etched into his features as surely as anything had ever been. He had to look away. His head hung a moment as he thought of the loss of life at his own hands.

"Apparently, the honorable captain was too good to go down with his ship," said Mudd.

Lorca looked over at Tyler, saw the hurt in Tyler's eyes, and he could not let Mudd's slight go unchallenged. "That's only half-right. We were ambushed and I did... escape. But I didn't let my crew die. I blew them up."

This was a detail Mudd had not known and he looked shocked to hear it.

Lorca told them the sort of fate that awaited Federation crews on Qo'noS, the torture, the parade of death. And when he spoke the words, there was determination despite the anguish of it: "Not my crew. Not on my watch."

He fixed his gaze on Tyler, hoping the young man could understand.

After seven months in a Klingon prison, Tyler seemed to understand all too well.

Though Saru and Lalana were largely indifferent to the plight of the tardigrade in light of Lorca's circumstances, Stamets listened to Burnham's concerns with sympathy for the creature. The astromycologist felt a kinship towards Ripper. They were both of them connected to the mycelial network: Stamets by his years of research, Ripper by the natural horizontal transfer of DNA.

Stamets shut down the spore drive and began working with Tilly and Burnham to find an alternative to Ripper, some species with a DNA sequence compatible to the tardigrade's that could accept a horizontal transfer of mycelium DNA and replace the tardigrade entirely.

Saru arrived in the engineering lab and was entirely displeased to find the spore drive offline. Despite his explicit instructions to continue with the tardigrade as their supercomputer until Lorca was safely back on the ship, Burnham had yet again ignored his orders and undermined his command. Her lack of respect for him was infuriating, but he kept his calm and listened as she proposed the use of a human host in the tardigrade's place. Performing a horizontal genetic transfer to a human.

After her concern about chemical and biological weapons on Discovery, there had to be some cosmic irony in her proposing a eugenics solution to their problem.

He forbade it and ordered the use of the tardigrade. Rather than comply, in front of Stamets and in front of Tilly, Burnham declared that Saru was upset and implied it was some failing in him as a Kelpien, some natural deficiency of his species.

Saru hit her right back where it hurt and said, "Saving this tardigrade will neither bring back nor change the fact that this is exactly the kind of behavior that killed Captain Georgiou."

He was steel in that moment, but he cut himself as deeply as he did her with those words. Only an interruption from Lieutenant Rhys on the bridge announcing they had located Captain Lorca saved them both from anything worse. Saru ordered the tardigrade into the spore chamber for a jump and confined Burnham to her quarters.

They readied for the jump. "Black alert," said Saru, and then intoned the same word Lorca always did: "Go."

In the engineering lab, the tardigrade screamed, and as the jump completed, it collapsed.

Stamets and Tilly rushed to its side. Neither feared the monstrous creature in that moment, or worried that it would rend them as it had Landry. They saw only a pitiful, suffering thing that shrank down into a protective ball.

Extreme cryptobiosis, Culber announced. The tardigrade, just as its microscopic cousins did, had shed all the water from its body and shrunk down to a hard-shelled husk to weather the crisis. It was not a problem they could fix without risking killing a creature that Culber now believed might be sentient based on recent neurological scans.

"As it is our only way to get out of Klingon space, it is a risk we must take," said Saru. "I do not enjoy being in this position, but I have one hundred and thirty-four souls to protect today."

"I will not be party to murder," said Culber.

"Doctor, I was not talking to you," said Saru, and turned to Stamets and ordered his compliance.

As Culber looked on with a mixture of shock and horror, Stamets said, "Yes, sir," and felt himself die a little as he said it.

Two Klingon guards arrived to deliver their own personal disbursement of torture to the cell and it was Tyler who took the beating, volunteering for it, to Mudd's immense relief. Lorca's face contorted with conflict at this this turn of events and he turned away and did not watch as the one guard tossed Tyler around the cell while the other stood with his rifle trained on Lorca. Lorca edged away from the carnage, wincing visibly, looking to the guard with the rifle with a confused plea on his face.

After a moment, Tyler did not get up. The guard administering the beating seemed to strut in momentary pride, then whirled about for one last stomp, the sort that had done away with their departed initial cellmate.

Tyler was prepared for it, jumping to his feet as the guard stomped down, taking advantage of the guard's momentum and surprise to turn the attack back towards the Klingon.

Lorca, too, was ready. His overwrought display of anguish had taken him within arm's reach of the rifle. He grabbed it from the other guard, elbowing the Klingon in the face and wrenching the rifle away, then using it as a cudgel to beat the Klingon before managing to get it around the Klingon's neck as leverage to snap the spine. He turned to assist Tyler, the rifle in hand, only to discover Tyler had managed to drop his opponent all on his own.

Tricking the Klingon guard had not been hard because Lorca's distress at watching these Klingon monsters beat Tyler was entirely genuine. As Lorca well knew, the most effective way to fake something was not to fake it. Something tugged at his memory, something Lalana had said back in San Francisco, but he could not remember the exact words. There had been an awful lot of sedatives in his system when she said it.

Lorca tossed Tyler the guard's phaser and held on to the rifle for himself. They stood on bother sides the door, checking if there were any other guards on the other side before they made their escape.

Mudd tried to leave with them. "You sold us out," Lorca said to Mudd, turning the rifle on him. "You stay."

"You can't be serious," said Mudd.

"Oh, but I can," said Lorca, and cracked the rifle across Mudd's deplorable face. Mudd's pleas followed them out into the hallway as Lorca shut the door on him, locking him in there to his fate at the hands of the Klingons.

The pleas turned to promises of vengeance as Mudd realized they would not come back. "You can't walk away from me, Lorca! I'm coming for you, you hear! You haven't seen the last of Harcourt Fenton Mudd!"

Their escape was not without complications. Lorca and Tyler strode down the halls, vaporizing guards, fending off assaults, but a guard managed to surprise Tyler and further wound the lieutenant to the point where he could barely walk. Lorca pulled Tyler's arm around his shoulder, but it did not last. Tyler slid off onto the ground.

"I'm slowing you down, sir, go."

Lorca did go, but only so far as around the corner. The Klingons in pursuit of them filtered into the hall and Lorca reappeared, firing off a shot towards the white-clad captain that hit the wall of the corridor and blasted the side of her face rather than vaporizing her completely. She lay in the middle of the corridor, screaming in agony as Lorca helped Tyler to his feet and they made their way to the docking bay.

The Klingon ship was not loaded with transport shuttles but with raiders, small assault craft designed to frustrate larger ships. Tyler was surprised to find Lorca seemed to know how to operate the controls. "Redirect all auxiliary power to shields. Blue panel on the right."

There were five raiders in pursuit of them. Lorca manned the guns while Tyler piloted. A good shot picked off one of the five and Lorca winced at the glare of the explosion.

"Your eyes," said Tyler. "That happened when you destroyed the Buran, didn't it?"

"We choose our own pain," said Lorca. "Mine helps me remember."

Ahead of them they saw Discovery. Against the odds, Lorca's ship had found them, but then, that was Discovery through and through. Nothing but miracles aboard.

There were going to need one more miracle, because Discovery had no idea they were coming, and in a Klingon raider, no less. And then the voice came. "Federation starship Discovery to Klingon raider. Identify yourself."

There was the miracle. Lorca grinned and ordered a beam-out. It was good to issue an order to his crew again. The lights of the transporter enveloped them. A moment later, they were on Discovery, and Tyler collapsed onto the transporter pad next to Lorca. Lorca rushed to his side, waving away the guards in attendance. The last thing Tyler needed was to be inundated with unfamiliar faces. "Captain to bridge! You got us! Jump! Jump now!"

They jumped. Tyler did not know what to make of the odd sensation of mycelial travel, but Lorca kept a hand on his shoulder in reassurance. "Thank you, captain," said Tyler.

"For what?" replied Lorca, a mischievous grin appearing on his face. "Dragging you back into the war on a ship with a target on its back."

"There's no place I'd rather be," said Tyler.

That, Lorca thought, was as true a sentiment as could be expressed.

He accompanied Tyler as far as the sickbay doors, made sure he was in good hands, and then strode off down the hall.

Discovery. They were home.

There was one problem. When Saru called down to the engineering lab to congratulate Stamets on his success, there was no answer.

Stamets had sent the rest of his team out of the lab. Saru overrode Stamets' lockout on the door and they found Stamets collapsed in the middle of the spore chamber, the vial containing Burnham's genetic modification cocktail beside him on the ground. He had injected himself with the gene therapy to spare the tardigrade any further suffering.

"Did we make it?" asked Stamets.

Saru stared at him. "Yes."

Stamets began to laugh with a hysteria that did not at all reassure.

When Saru finally came face to face with Lorca, he found the captain in his ready room, bloodied by a gash on his lip but grinning infectiously. "Mr. Saru!" said Lorca, throwing his hands up as he turned away from the window. "I hear I have you to thank for spotting us in that raider."

It was true. Burnham might have suggested Saru's Kelpien heritage to be some sort of deficit, but it was that same heritage that had given Saru the clues needed to identify the one raider in the group that had been fleeing from the others. Without that insight, Discovery might have fired on Lorca.

"I owe you my life," said Lorca, "but I should warn you, there's a whole line of people that's true of." He laughed a short, barking laugh, then let out a little exclamation of happy pain and touched the cut on his lip.

"Perhaps you should go to sickbay," said Saru.

"Ah, this? Flesh wound at best," said Lorca, shrugging comically. It was satisfying in a weird way, to be able to choose his own pain.

"Still. You have been through an ordeal, captain, there may be injuries which adrenaline is preventing you from correctly assessing."

That was a very valid point. "You're right, number one. I just had to come here first." He turned and looked out the window again, his window, at his stars. He let out a small, happy sigh.

Saru considered Lorca. Technically, Lorca was not captain again until after he was cleared by a medical examination, and Lorca seemed so uncharacteristically happy if would be a shame to rain on that happiness by sharing the news of the tardigrade's loss and replacement by Stamets. Besides, a case could be made that the captain might not be in the right frame of mind to fully appreciate the information.

"If you will head to sickbay at your earliest convenience, I will resume my duties as first officer for the time being," said Saru. He waited a moment for Lorca to respond by dismissing him as usual, but Lorca seemed too entranced by the view.

Saru turned to leave.

"Saru?"

The Kelpien turned back to look at Lorca and saw an indescribable joy in the captain's face and a glistening in his eyes. Lorca's voice was almost breathless with relief.

"It's so good to be back on Discovery." It almost seemed like Lorca might cry. He did not, but for a moment it seemed that way. "Thank you for the rescue."

Saru jerkily inclined his head. "Of course, captain."

When Saru was gone, Lorca looked around the familiar surroundings of his ready room, grinning uncontrollably, and started laughing with a mixture of relief, joy, and anguish. He was confused by it himself. He managed to curtail the near-hysteria and said, "Computer, site to site transport. Lab 26."

Materializing outside the door was always an inconvenience, but more so right now as he forced himself to keep it together in front of Allan while he waited for the doors to cycle and permit entry.

Lalana was in the main lab area already. She had ascertained the fact of his return from her feed of the main viewscreen. Lorca practically dove towards her, scooping her up and hugging her more tightly than he should as he resumed his confusingly relieved laughter. He barely noticed Mischkelovitz and O'Malley's presences in the room.

O'Malley tugged on Mischkelovitz's arm. "Come on, love, let's give them some space," he said. Mischkelovitz rose and did one thing for Lorca before heading out with O'Malley: she picked up Merkin and put the tribble on the corner of the worktable nearest the captain.

Lorca stood there holding Lalana as the laughter quieted into steady breaths. After what seemed like an eternity, Lorca finally said, "I just want to stay here on Discovery forever. Forever."

"Oh, Gabriel, you do not live that long. Even lului do not live forever."

"Shut up and let me have this, will you?" he said softly, smiling and not least bit perturbed by her correction, because he was just as glad for her ridiculous pedanticism as he was everything else on this ship. His ship.

On the table, Merkin trilled.

Part 64

[zerolr]

Feelings. (One-shot)

Paring: RivaMika Setting: American High School Setting Genre: Romance Rating: T

A/N: This fic is very old. I decided to pick this up and finish it. This story deals with a student-teacher relationship, there is no sex. You don't like don't read. Any hate asks from this will be deleted without being published. Having said that, please enjoy.

–

Feelings.

It was after school. Levi, a high school teacher of three years held detention. He sat there with a small sudoku book, filling in the numbers with a pen.

He was named as the most intimidating teacher in the school followed by Mr. Shadis, the phys ed teacher. Kids made fun of Levi's height behind his back getting annoyed by his neat freak tenancies and his unrealistic expectations. He was infamously known to put the students on blast if they did something disagreeable by his standards. To top the icing on the cake—he was an algebra teacher. He called everyone strictly by their last names like a military corporal, and failed his students without any exceptions.  

He had a sarcastic nature and it seemed that anything thrown at him would bounce right off.

He was a heartless monster.

Or so it seemed.

Eren, Jean, Annie, Connie and Sasha—were frequent visitors of Levi's detention hall. Today however, it was only Sasha and Mikasa, Eren's adopted sister.

With only the ticking of the clock filling the dead silence of the room, Sasha placed her head on the desk; with her hands dangling underneath.

The orange of the setting sun filtered through the tall classroom windows dying the room in its color. Mikasa looked out, not particularly minding the tranquility of the moment.

Levi put down his book and looked at his wrist watch.

“Alright. Detention's over. Get outta here—I don't wanna stay here as much as you do.”

Sasha excitedly got to her feet and walked up to his desk.

Levi opened the bottom drawer and gave her the confiscated bag of snacks. She took it up in her hands and with an apologetic bow of her head she said, “I'm sorry Mister. It won't happen again.”

“I'm not the one you should be saying that to,” Levi casually replied, “I have nothing to do with this—you need to stop eating in gym class. I don't care whether or not you keep sneaking in food. But you already know that Shadis gets a titty attack every time you do this. I'm getting sick of seeing your face here. And it's for stupid reasons like this.”

“I know. I'm sorry.” Sasha said lowering her gaze.

Levi dragged out a sigh, “Go home and don't worry about it. It's been a long day.”

Sasha nodded and walked off.

He started packing his things in his side bag when he noticed that Mikasa was still sitting there.

“Hey you. Detention's over,” he called.

“I know,” Mikasa replied standing up from her seat. She had to serve today for being late to school—which was strange because she was almost always on time with perfect attendance. Levi slung his side bag over his shoulder and pushed in his chair.

“Mr. Ackerman..”

Levi stopped as Mikasa walked up to his desk. He looked up to her giving her his attention. She rested her hands on the desk balling them into fists. Chucking her head down suddenly, Mikasa bit her lip in short pensive silence.

Levi's stoic expression dropped slightly in concern, “Spit it out Ackerman... is it Jeager, again?”

“...No,” she replied. She drew a shaky breath and looked up to him, “It's just for some time now, I've been wanting to tell you something. And it's hard for me to even say it out loud because I know that it will get you in trouble.. but I... I love you, Mr. Ackerman.” Her dark eyes lingered in his steely gaze.

The words it him with a certain weight. Levi had suspected that there was something probably bothering her for the past few months. But this, he didn't see this.

“You've got to be shitting me...” he muttered in a bare whisper.

Her face once brilliantly determined, just flushed scarlet in embarrassment she did her best to keep her brows furrowed, her fists balled into fists still, tightened even more, her knuckles white.

“You don’t have to say anything,” she said, “I understand. I just didn't want to keep this to myself anymore.” There was a slight waver in her voice.

Levi massaged the bridge of his nose, his mind working with the right words to say to her. It was a delicate situation.

“Listen,” he began, “You're not in love—you're infatuated—a crush. Believe me when I say, that you'll get over it.”

In that moment he saw Mikasa flare up with anger. Her eyes livid as her bottom lip trembled.

“It's not a crush!” she cried undignified, “ I know very well know the difference. I love you and that is not going away. So I will appreciate it if  you don't interpret my feelings like a little girl,” her voice trembled with insult as she spat, “Asshole!”

She dashed out of the classroom.

Levi remained standing there heavily effected by her words as he face palmed and dragged out another sigh.

–

To be truthfully honest, Levi found her attractive. Mikasa wasn't like the other students of the homeroom he was in charge of. Most were obnoxious, messy or just raging from their hormones. She was quiet but solely because she only spoke when it was necessary. She didn't falter under any intimidation and was serious about her studies.  His favorite kind of student.

However, he never looked at any of his students in that way. Mikasa was no different. He actually cared about teaching his students and was serious about his work. He didn't care if he wasn't a favorite among them. His mentality and perspective was zoned in education and being in it—he didn't see anything else.

–

“I love you, Mr. Ackerman...”

–

Those words rattled his state of mind. He could not unhear her confession and had to secretly live with the realization that a student—that Ackerman—was in love with him.

After that day everything seem to continue as if normal. But Levi couldn't fit with the normal. His actions and his job performance remained the same, but now he noticed how often Mikasa glanced up at him. That she became the class rep to have more of an excuse to talk to him. Even the eventual days that she did come late—so that she would sit in detention, and be the last to leave without a rush in the world.

He could not unhear it. And over the course of that year, her presence began to haunt him. She never did anything out of the ordinary besides the confession. But nevertheless, the look of her eyes crept into his dreams.

“I'm letting her get to me,” Levi mumbled as he woke up in the middle of the night. It was finally summer. He felt that two months away will help. He poured himself a glass of scotch. Straight without ice. Tired, he took a gulp and let the alcohol numb him.

When school started up again, it was sophomore year for his homeroom students—Mikasa was different. Her long hair was cut short above her shoulders and she was dating Kirschtein.

It was like I said, Levi thought, She got over it...

But he could not shake off the feeling of disappointment that washed over him. Christa was nominated to be the class rep for this year, Mikasa not showing not even the faintest interest in re-nominating for the role.

To his dismay, Mikasa also ended up being in his algebra I class. There was only a small handful of math and science teachers doing the advance classes—so it didn't come as a surprise to him.

September, October, December. They flew by. Levi found himself aching for her, wanting her. He was irritable and micromanaged things more. People in general were absolutely clueless about this  and in everyone's eyes, this was simply more of his usual attitude.

Before Christmas break, Mikasa gave him a holiday card. In it, it said, “Happy Birthday, Mr. Ackerman”. None of the students remembered his birthday but her. Being over shadowed by the Christmas holiday, Levi had grown accustomed to always have it over looked.

He sought the look in her eyes but her pupils darted away to avoid contact as she shuffled back to her desk. Eren arrived next to give him a dancing Santa Claus for his desk.

In January, valentine's day materials already started dotting the shelves reminding him of one thing.

Mikasa's birthday.

He had a strong desire to get her something but he was overly picky on what it can be. He'd fuss and fuss and fuss over his thoughts; browsing online for inspiration. The stress of it all came to eventually overwhelm him with countless items and ideas to choose from. There was also the situation of deciding what kind a present a teacher can give to a student that is sentimental—but at the same time, isn't a dead giveaway to misinterpretations.

He was in a bar on night sitting alone when a thought hit him.

“I've been falling in love with her this whole time—haven't I?”

He fell silent again, dwelling in the thought as his fingers circled the rim of his shot glass.

–

“It's not a crush! I know very well know the difference...”

–

Bringing the alcohol his lips he mused in a rueful smirk.

I'm stupid enough to even think about taking her seriously... at that age, you'd cut your wrist just to fuckin get a point across... but well, I did know that it was something that would pass over. But I let it get to me...

He didn't get himself too drunk, but rather left the bar and walked down the street. There was a 24 hour convenience store open.

What am I pretending? I should just get her a birthday card and slap in a twenty dollar bill and call it a day...

He pushed in the door and walked inside. He wandered the greeting card aisle seeing the valentine cards dominate the overall selection. He saw a kawaii mascot on one of them and remembered seeing those on her stationary. He picked it out and opened it. The cutesy figure held a heart in it's hands with some generic line of “Thinking of you, Valentine!” written inside of it. He plucked it off the rack, walked to the cashier, saw a pack of gum and picked that out and dropped both on the counter.

The young cashier rang him up and paused staring at the very short gruff man and hesitantly spoke. “You want to get flowers? We have a sale on roses?”

Levi slowly glanced over and then looked back at him. “No thanks.” He said dropping cash on the counter.

The man charged him and gave him back his change, Levi left the store. He went home taking a taxi, he dropped the card on the first table surface he saw entering his apartment, and plopped on the sofa and dozed off.

On the day of Mikasa's birthday, in the algebra class, he assigned an in-class worksheet and had the students work in silence for the entire period. Levi spent the time walking up and down the lines of desk with his hands behind his back. He saw Connie sneaking snack size chocolate into his mouth and with his finger, swatched chocolate stain on his work sheet.

Levi passed by him in calm steps, snatch the worksheet from under his nose and teared it up.

“Do it over.” Levi said coldly. “I do not tolerate soiled paperwork of any kind. You're getting detention for eating in class.”

“But! Mister! I was halfway through that page!” He whined.

“Well then I hope you have the answers memorized for you to do it over again. Go pick up a copy from my desk, Springer.” Levi snapped.

People in class looked and whispered.

“Do I hear talking?”

The voices suddenly hushed.

Mikasa was still looking up at him.

“If you're looking elsewhere, Ackerman, then I'll assume you're finished with your work,” Levi spat.

“....are you doing this because you don't have a date for Valentine's day?” Mikasa asked.

The students in the class tensed up. Connie's honey hazel eyes looked in wide attention as he held the ditto sheet and stood at the desk after picking it up.

“I don't give a rat's ass what holiday is coming up. All of you did horribly on the last test because the majority are obviously not doing your homework. So today you're doing it in class. And getting assigned more to do tonight.”

There was a general groan coming from the class.

“Springer, sit your ass down.” Levi spat.

“Yes sir!” Connie said rushing to his seat.

Levi walked back to his desk and the class continued working quietly until the bell rang. The students stood up and rushed out the the class room.

“The homework is on the board. I'm not going to chase you to make sure you write it down.” Levi warned.

Mikasa walked up to him as the last couple of students left.

“What kind of question was that, Ackerman?” Levi said drilling a stare at her.

“I'm sorry, sir,” Mikasa replied plainly. “I felt like you were taking out your negative feelings on us, so I decided to joke to lighten up the mood.”

“Negative feelings? You think I'd be bummed over a shitty holiday that's been heavily promoted by commercialism?”

“That's why I said it was a joke” Mikasa replied. She opened the flap of her side bag and gave him a small red paper bag.

“Leave the clowning to the idiots like Springer and Kirschtein. It doesn't suit you. What's this?” Levi asked.

“It's four days early but I want to give it to you now,” Mikasa said simply.

Levi was silent as she walked around his desk and headed towards the door.

“Wait.” Levi called.

Mikasa stopped walking.

He sighed and opened his bag on the desk and pulled out a envelope. “Here. I know it's your birthday today... you didn't forget mine so this is only returning the gesture.”

Mikasa turned and took the envelope from his hands. She looked up to him and Levi noticed in that moment a glimmer if happiness that shone in her eyes.

“Now shoo,” Levi said with a dismissive wave of his hand. He turned back in his seat and picked up the stack of ditto sheets and fixed them.

Mikasa didn't leave. There was a pressing silence. A student walked in and took their seat.

“Go. The five minute bell will ring.” Levi urged.

Her hand clenched on the envelope he gave her as she bit her lip. The she nodded and suddenly dashed out.

He didn't know what compelled him but he felt his body leave the seat and go after her.

“Oi!” He called from the classroom doorway.

Mikasa stopped and turned looking at him.

“I'm giving you detention.” Levi said. “Because I know you'll be late anyway.”

Mikasa gave a nod biting back a smile. He watched her pace quickly down the hall.

–

After classes, Levi sat in the detention hall tapping his pen as he worked the numbers in his sudoku book. His eyes lifted and saw Mikasa sitting there reading a small book, a lock of hair fell over her ear as she lifted her hand and curled it back around her ear.

He couldn't concentrate on finding the next number to fit in his puzzle.

There was a knock on the door and Levi looked up. He noticed it was Eren standing there, behind him stood Armin.

“Mr. Ackerman, can Mikasa leave early?” He asked. “It's her birthday today. And her family is waiting for her. Can she make it up another day?”

“She's in the middle of serving, that would be pointless.” Levi muttered. “Take the time to blow up balloons or whatever.” Levi muttered.

“Please, Mister.” Eren plead honestly.

“Step out and close the door behind you Yeager.” Levi said coldly.

“Come on, let's just wait,” Armin whispered.

“It's okay Eren. Can you get me a bottle of juice from the corner store?” Mikasa asked. “I'm sure I'll be out soon.”

Eren nodded. He turned and closed the door.

After they were gone there was brief second where her eyes met Levi's and then looked back in her book. He felt his pulse quicken. It was a feeling that made him hate himself.

Connie was fighting sleep as he sat there with a hand propped up to his cheek.

The room continued in this deafening silence until Levi looked at his watch and closed his small puzzle book.

“Alright. Detention's over, go home.”

Connie snorted awake.

“Clean the spit off your desk, Springer.” Levi spat throwing him a bottle of sanitary wipes. Connie caught it.

He quickly wiped it, and picked up his bookbag. “Done, Sir!”

“Alright get outta here.” Levi grumbled as he packed his own bag.

“Okay, see you tomorrow Mister!” Connie said as he tossed the bookbag over his shoulder. He passed by Mikasa's desk, “Happy birthday.”

“Thank you.” Mikasa replied as Connie left.

Levi hooked his sidebag on his shoulder and stood up.

Mikasa calmly closed her book and slipped it into her messenger bag.

“I figured you wanted to say something that you couldn't earlier. So say it now before Yeager comes and knocks down this door again.” Levi spat.

“Your card made me really happy.” Mikasa replied as she gripped on the strap of her bag. “...that's all.”

“Don't bullshit me.” Levi pressed.

Why do I think she's lying to me? Levi thought. Is it just me imagining that she still holds feelings for me. She has a boyfriend now, things are the way they shoul—

“I still love you.” Mikasa whispered.

….. fuck.

“Then I shouldn't have given you that card.” Levi said turning away.

“No!” Mikasa cried quietly, “... it's okay. I don't intend on anything happening. I'm sorry, for how upset I got back then... I worked it out with myself, and I realize, I know why it's not possible at this moment.” Mikasa realized.

“Keh..” Levi shook his head. “So what? You're going to wait until you're old enough, I'll be an old fart by then. Go live your life.” Levi grumbled.

“I am. But I feel like a terrible person, I only said 'yes' to Jean because he confessed to me... and I keep making things uncomfortable for you.”

“No. You're not terrible,” Levi exhaled, “It happens, eventually it will go away. Trust me.” Levi replied.

Mikasa took a step forward, “I hope it doesn't...because it's not an infatuation otherwise I wouldn't still feel like this. I really! I really.... have feelings for you..” she said gripping her hand over her chest.

Levi stared back at her. In that moment he stopped thinking and closed the space between them and landed a kiss on her cheek.

Mikasa froze in place.

“I'm sorry for insulting your feelings for me. They must feel very real. Don't think I don't know that.” He said.

She chucked her head down her face as red as a tomato.

“Now, go on. You have a party and family to get to, right?” Levi asked.

Mikasa ran out of the classroom without looking back, leaving the door wide open.

He heaved a sigh.

…. it was for the best. He figured.

–

Five years passed since that day.

Levi was still a teacher in that school, following a routine life.

He had watched Mikasa and her class in the last two years finally graduate. He had chaperoned for their prom, Mikasa came alone with Annie. It was a memorable class for him in general feeling a certain closeness with them. And to his surprise they had grown to like him as well.

Then one day during October, Mikasa stopped by the school popping her head into the detention hall and spotting him with a couple of students bored out of their lives.

Levi looked up from his crossword puzzle book slightly bewildered.

“How did you get in?” Levi snapped yet dazed.

Mikasa quietly smiled. She noticed the students staring at her. “He's actually a softie on the inside.” she mused.

A girl in the class blushed when she winked.

“Don't give them any ideas.” Levi spat. He turned his attention to the other kids, “This is my old student. Straighten up and you might end up be like her. But I doubt it.”

“Aw come on Mr. Man!” groaned a guy.

“Shut it. I told you not call me that.” Levi warned.

After detention ended and the students left, Mikasa walked in and leaned against the edge of a desk placing her hands on it. She looked more confident, more sure of herself. Small changes here and there that made a difference in how his mind had remembered her.

“This place hasn't changed at all.” Mikasa mused.

“You saw what they did with the main entrance?” Levi asked.

“Yeah,” Mikasa breathed, “That mural is amazing.”

Levi nodded. “How what are you doing? College, I hope?”

“Yes. And working.” Mikasa said.

“Good.” Levi said.

“You? How's your life?” Mikasa said.

“You see me. Still here. It's still the same. Just like my crappy salary.” Levi scoffed.

Mikasa smiled quietly to herself. “No.. I didn't mean that. Like, are you with someone?”

“Go home, Mikasa.” Levi said getting up and erasing the board.

“I'm twenty years old, Levi. You can talk to me on the same level.”

“You did not just...?” Levi placed down the board eraser.

Mikasa quietly blushed but her eyes gave him a determined look.

He sighed, “You're telling me you still...?”

She nodded.

“....I recently broke up with someone,” Levi admitted. “And.. I suggest you don't consider me at all. I'm a mess.” Levi said. “You can do so much better.”

Mikasa silently stepped forward and cupped her hands in his face landing a soft kiss over his lips.

“This is what I want to settle with..” she whispered tenderly.

He felt redeemed with her words, like she pulled him out from drowning. He kissed back suddenly, roughly. His hand gripped her hip keeping her body close.

Their lips parted and her forehead rested against his.

“.... I.... wanted to say it back to you...” Levi barely uttered. “...for so long..”

Her hand cupped his cheek as her thumb stroked his skin. “I realized that.”

He look bewildered. Her dark eyes stared back warm and understanding.

“When you kissed my cheek that day... I knew. And I realized I was being selfish. So I never brought it up again. Until now.” Mikasa replied. “Until I was really sure that these feelings weren't just a fleeting passion. And I know they're not. Without a doubt. I still love you.”

She kissed him.

The orange of the setting sun filtered through the tall classroom windows dying the room in its color. There was a certain tranquility that neither of them didn't mind. The moment was perfect.

END A/N: I’m going to update my current on-going fics. A fair amount of them are mainly half finished sitting in my files. So it shouldn’t take long. I apologize for making you guys wait. ///sobs.

[kpopfanficsforthesoul]

Pictures and Words- Taeyeon (Girls Generation)

Author’s Note: Look at this cutie!!! ^^^ I was so excited to write this. I mean, Sooyoung is my bias, but we all have a soft spot for our creative kid leader :-)

Prompt: We’re roommates at a college dormitory. I’m a creative writing student and you’re an art student. One day I find illustrations all over my assignment. 

Genre: Fluff, College!Au, Art Student!Taeyeon

Pairing: Taeyeon x Reader

If a stranger had walked into your dorm, they’d think they walked into the shared room of J.K Rowling and Leonardo Davinci. While the two mentioned are from different time periods, you and your roommate were from different mindsets. It was as if the left side of the brain and the right side decided to split it right down the middle. 

Taeyeon and you had only been living together for a week or so, and things were pretty awkward. It wasn’t that you didn’t get along, Taeyeon was a sweetheart. It was just that Taeyeon was very reserved. It wasn’t that she didn’t like to talk, she just didn’t feel compelled to. 

You walked into the dorm and looked over at her. She sat against the wall on her bed, going to town on a blank sketchbook, pencils in a jumbled pile next to her. She looked up and gave you a small smile. 

It was at this moment that you realized just how different your two sides of the room were. Yours displayed neat bookshelves, an immaculate desk, and neatly stacked papers next to your laptop, while Taeyeon’s consisted of a huge pile of colorful art supplies on her desk, sketchbooks piled up in messy heaps, canvases of past paintings, and a wall covered in photographs. 

You took off your black coat and sat down to type on your laptop. After opening a new document, it was only a short amount of time before you’d be hunched over your laptop, face in palms, and scrunching up your hair in your fingers trying to figure out what to write next. 

“What are you working on?” she quietly asked, brushing her dark locks out of her eyes to look at you. 

“Just a new fantasy assignment for class.” you told her, looking up from your screen with a smile. “How about you? New art project?”

“Nah, I’m just free drawing.” she mumbled with her small and sweet voice, looking back down to her pad. She picked up a bright orange oil pastel and applied a few strokes to her work. 

“I wish I could be as inspired as you right now…” you sighed, turning your attention back to the keyboard, trying to figure out which sequence of letters to punch in. 

“You having a block?” she inquired with a caring tone, looking back up at you. 

You laughed. “I think I am…” You hit your keyboard in frustration as it spewed a squigly red line at you after your fourth spelling revision. “I knew I wasn’t good enough for this class…”

Taeyeon felt sorry for you. As a creative herself, she knew what it was to feel like you couldn’t come up with anything new. In a society that looks down upon those who devote their lives to hobbies like these if they aren’t at the top of their career, she knew how much it was needed to get encouragement. 

“You know Y/N…” she started, throwing off her purple comforter and revealing her ripped jeans and pastel pink sweater, “Creative blocks aren’t an actual thing. It’s simply a psychological restriction of creativity put down by the creator themselves.”

“Mmm…” you muttered, sinking your head deeper into your hands. 

She got up from her bed to sit next to you. You noticed the mint green and primrose pink paint smudges on her hands, and her scent which smelled of oil paints and fresh pine. “Some of your best work can come out of a block! What I want you to do is just type for ten minutes straight without stopping. Don’t worry about spelling, grammar, or sentence structure, you can tweek all that later. If you force yourself to write through a block, then you’ll be telling your mind that it can’t limit you.” 

“Alright…” you agreed, stretching your fingers out. Taeyeon went back to her bed to debate over whether her piece needed more shades of red or not. 

She was right. That paper turned out to be one of the best things you’ve ever written, at least it felt like that to you. You ended up stewing up a plot after writing every idea you had suppressed inside of you. That paired with the fueling music blaring through your headphones came strong characters, appropriate setting, and an engrossing conflict. However, it had left you exhausted by the time midnight came around.  You shockingly looked at the clock, then glanced over to Taeyeon. She was still awake with her sketchpad, sitting against the wall next to her bedside lamp. You decided to go straight to sleep. You were a deep sleeper, so it didn’t matter to you if she stayed up with the light on.

“Goodnight Taeng, thanks for the encouragement.” you told her with a small smile as you quickly slapped a makeup wipe over your face before passing out. 

“No problem!” she told you with a sincere smile. 

You awoke to an empty room, Taeyeon gone, along with her personally decorated bag and her sketchbook. Looking at her messy dresser drawers and bag of makeup spilled over her vanity, you realized she was most likely at her early morning watercolor painting class. 

You smiled, wiping your disheveled hair out of your face as your remembered the progress you made on your assignment last night. Never before had you been able to write that well at that speed. Thank God you had Taeyeon to get you out of that slump, or it would have never happened. 

You excitedly got up out of bed and went to your desk to flip through the printed out pages one last time. It was just a quick short story homework assignment, but that didn’t matter. This had to be perfect. You began to read over the words that used to be locked away in the depths of your brain. 

However, as you reached a certain part of the story, you looked down at the space at the bottom where no words were printed. There was a little illustration of a pink mermaid sitting gracefully on a rock, facing the ocean, with a setting sun against the horizon. Her vibrant hair flew back in the wind as she gazed at her home from a different perspective. Your eyes widened as you realized… that’s what your story was about. 

The only person who could have read your story while you were asleep was… Taeyeon.

You absolutely adored this illustration. It was the perfect depiction of the aesthetic you had been trying to convey with your words. It was the missing piece to your work! You flipped through the rest of the pages, finding more of her unique sketches. Some were just little doodles in the margin, and some were exquisite pieces drawn on her sketchpad and placed in between the pages of your document. 

Suddenly, you received an idea- maybe if you continued writing this plot, Taeyeon would keep drawing new things for it…I mean, she seemed to be inspired by the world you created, and you thought this plot was too good to just be left as an insignificant short story. 

You threw on a pair of two tone jeans and a leather jacket, slid your laptop into your bag, and headed out the door to the closest coffee shop. You had some work to do. 

It went on like this for a couple of weeks. While Taeyeon was at her morning classes, you would go type away at your developing novel over a hot americano and leave your papers purposely on your desk, and when you went to sleep, she would sneak over to your pages and start drawing to her hearts content. And when you were together in person, you both acted as if everything was normal, not even mentioning the ongoing partnership. 

However, one day, towards the end of the year, you had finished the book, and Taeyeon had drawn every important scene. You wanted to do something special with it- so, you put it in a binder, clipping in her drawings where they belonged in accordance with the plot. Tonight, you’d tell her your plan. 

“Hey, I’m back!” you heard her declare as she stepped through the door, white converse padding across the wooden floor. 

“Hey!” you greeted her. “Listen, I need to talk to you about something.” 

“Sure, what is it?” she asked, sitting down on her bed and taking off her patched jean jacket.

“You know how I’ve been writing that mermaid book?” You inquired, cocking your eyebrow. 

Her eyes widened. “Oh my goodness, if this is about my drawings, I’m so sorry, I just thought it would be okay since it wasn’t an official assignment, and I-”

“Taeyeon, it’s perfectly fine!” you reassured her, holding up your hand and smiling. “I actually really like it. Your drawing is amazing… which is why I want to publish it in my book.”

Her eyes widened even more. “Oh… I don’t know Y/N, I wasn’t really being serious with those, I don’t think they’re good enough to be published in a book…”

“No, I want you to look at this.” you motioned her over, and she came over to your desk where you were sitting. You flipped through the binder you prepared, showing her how well the words fit with the pictures. “Your style is just the thing that this story needs… it’s just what I’ve been trying to display in all my work, right there for the reader to see!”

“I’m still not very sure…” she said, leaning over your shoulder as you flipped through her laminated creations. 

You turned around in your chair. “Come on Taeyeon, stop limiting yourself! Perfect pairings between pictures and words like these don’t just happen every day! It goes against all my logic, but… I think it was somehow fate that we were put together as roommates."

Taeyon pursed her lips as she ran her finger over her drawing. 

“What do you say, Taeng?”

You looked over at her, the light shifting over her pale face as the elevator rose up. 

“Jaqiya, I don’t know if I can do this…” she quaked, rubbing her sweaty palms on her leather skirt. 

You sent a reassuring smile at her. “We’ve done book signings before, haven’t we?” 

She nervously fiddled with the frills on her white lace top. “Well, that was before our book series became interpreted in ten different languages, sold internationally, and a New York Times best seller.”

“Oh come on, that’s not such a big deal.” you said rolling your eyes. 

“We live in South Korea!” she exclaimed. 

You snickered at her anguish. “You look really pretty. Come here.”

You engulfed her into your arms. She buried her head in your neck, and you set your chin on top of her head, rubbing up and down her back in a soothing way. “Everything will be okay, my lovely girlfriend. I’m right here with you.”

The light for the top floor flashed, and you both let go of each other. 

“Got your lucky pen?” you asked her, smoothing the skirt of your black dress. 

“Yep. Get ready!” She squealed with newfound confidence.

You both flashed genuine smiles as the doors of your elevator opened up. You grabbed each others hands and proceeded up the stage as you saw a huge crowd of people waiting in line to receive your signatures. 

“And here they are, the author and illustrator of Stars and Sea, Y/N Y/L/N, and Kim Taeyeon!”

Author’s Note: GAH I’M IN LOVE WITH THIS CONCEPT!!! Aish, my Taeyeon feels are welling up. I’m about to burst. Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it! :-) Cheers to cute and adorkable artist Taengoo!!!

[Masterlist]

-Marie 💗