#well ' beast ' but i'm eating him he's edible

[vellichorom]

god walks the hidden valley, weaving inbetween the desolate walls & laughing as i get lost

i’m not even supposed to be here, much less alone. i don’t do well alone.

this he knows.

[toast-in-a-cowboy-hat]

The whole debacle with the Felix Remix of biscuits and gravy is equal parts hilarious and unfortunate for me, in particular, because like, ya know, yeah, Oreos in beef granules, Oreos & Beef, that sounds bad.

To most folks at least, probably.

I, tragically, am haunted by the presence of, in my opinion, a much worse sounding execution of that general concept.

That beast being the Oreo Stuffed Cheeseburger.

Which is something I have seen, irl, at both local restaurants and fair grounds, and, as you might could guess from the name, is where they take a beef patty, put Oreos in the middle of said patty, and then follow it up with the rest of the steps one might take to produce a cheeseburger.

And it's been a while since I seen it, so I'm not entirely sure but I think they also put either icing, crushed oreos, or both, on top of the patty with the rest of the condiments.

I've seen another version too, the Deep Fried Oreo Cheeseburger, which is a cheeseburger with deep fried oreos on top, and then again I think the icing and maybe crushed oreos.

And who knows, maybe that actually sounds good to y'all, idk, but that seems worse to me. Like Felix's thing just got beef and oreo, cookie and sauce, these you have the beef and the oreo, but theres also cheese, mustard, onion, etc, etc... all along with a bunch more oreos, and none of those things are something I'd want near an oreo to begin with so.

Sounds bad!

But people eat and enjoy all of these things, I had people tell me that they thought it sounded bad, but it was actually surprisingly good!

And so! It's very funny to me because like, that means Felix is not entirely wrong! Oreo and beef is a flavor combo people enjoy, people would like his biscuits and gravy, there's places you can buy this sort of thing from out there in the world, right now.

There's even been kinda similar concepts served widespread via chain store like, you ever thought your cheeseburger wasn't sticky enough? Well, you're in luck, there was a point you could buy the Peanut Butter Bacon Cheeseburger, and also the Peanut Butter Bacon Milkshake, which yes, had real bacon chunks in it like Look at these things

People ate these People enjoyed these

To me that sounds awful, but a whole lotta people really liked them

And so between that and the Oreo Cheeseburger, I think Felix's true calling in life was to have some sort of food truck. Like, he should be at a state fair, making concoctions of questionable edibility that people are either disgusted by or adore, and instead, alas, he was British.

This man is gonna end up visiting Outlaw in Texas one day and accidentally start a trend, like, he's gonna invent the Brown Gravy Oreo Cheeseburger or some shit like that. We're gonna end up with Cowboy Felix where that's what he does now, no more assisting with horrific medical experiments, he's making his own, in the culinary field!

Let him have fun with strange food combinations, he deserves it

[garf-lover96]

Vesuvia Weekly; Inside Jokes (Rowan and Julian)

okay so a bit is technically a joke and i had this thought about them just doing improv during some mundane activities.. there's a lot of dialogue here so it was really fun to write (though like always i was a little worried whether it's in character enough..). and i wrote this whole thing while laying on my carpet because my sheets were in the washing!! so fun!

there's just a little more than 1k words here by the way! it's all sappy and mushy. and i included my olive theory headcanon

———

"Juliannn, I finished tidying." Rowan walks into the kitchen, stretching his arms and yawning. He approaches Julian from behind and hugs his waist gently.

"Oh? That took quite a bit longer than usual, I'm already finished with dinner. A lot of dust today?" he smiles and turns around to kiss his partner's forehead.

"No, Malak didn't stick the landing earlier and knocked over some jars-"

"What-? Why didn't you tell me that? I would've helped!"

"It's fine! It's fine, I've gotten it covered. The shop is squeaky clean now..." Rowan yawns again, "And I am sooo hungry." he looks over Julian's shoulder and into the pot in front of him.

"...Like what you see?" Julian asks with a smirk.

"That sauce looks amazing..." Rowan sighs out and leans against Julian's frame.

"Well, the recipe was Pasha's courtesy. Ah, and she was the one that made the pasta... I haven't gotten the hang of that yet."

"You'd make such a good househusband..."

"No, come on... Would you like a househusband that can't even make edible pasta?"

"Mm, if he was as handsome as you..." Rowan snickers and pokes Julian's side, making him jerk back with a yelp, continued by embarrassed chuckling.

"You flirt... Just sit already, I can hear your stomach growling."

Rowan chuckles and goes to sit down at the table. He pulls his feet up on the chair and looks up at Julian with a smile while he brings the plates over and sits down across from him. The pasta does look delicious... Rowan's never been a big tomato fan but he is possibly the biggest tomato sauce fan in all of Vesuvia.

"You didn't put any olives in, right...?" Rowan inquires with a slightly raised eyebrow.

"Not in your plate. I have them all to myself now." Julian snorts when he looks up to see Rowan's disapproving scowl, "I don't judge your food choices!" he adds with a soft scoff.

Rowan rolls his eyes a little and starts eating. He twirls the pasta around his fork swiftly and puts it into his mouth, with his head just above the plate.

After a while of silence while they're both busy eating, Julian says something again.

"That's no way for a proper gentleman to go about this... You eat like a beast."

Rowan raises his eyes to be met with Julian's familiar expression. That silly teasing smirk. So he answers accordingly.

"That's because I am a beast. A very fierce and dangerous one."

"Right, of course. What kind of beast are you?"

"Umm... A dragon! Yes, that."

"Ah, I can picture that already... But what color?"

"Red. Naturally."

"And just how big of a dragon are you?"

"Twenty feet."

"...In length or height?"

"Height, of course."

"Well that's just greedy..."

Rowan holds up a finger to silence him and Julian just smirks again.

"Fine then. You're a huge red dragon. So can I ride you?"

Rowan snorts and covers his mouth in fear of spitting his pasta out. He recovers and swallows his bite.

"Wait, but who even are you?"

"Uh... Maybe just a simple peasant with a soft spot for dragons. So I come with a query. Can I ride you, oh mighty dragon? So I can experience the feeling of soaring the sky, the wind of my face and escaping my mundane life as a simple olive farmer..."

Rowan wrinkles his nose at that slightly and it makes Julian scoff again.

"So...?" he raises his eyebrows, waiting for an answer.

"The Rowan-dragon considers it. And then he eats you whole. One bite."

"Er- Huh? But why?"

"Sheep shortage. He's very hungry."

"But I'm all skin an bones! I'm a very humble farmer, not nutritious at all!"

"The dragon doesn't particularly care."

"But I'm so full of love and affection for you, dear dragon! I could've offered you something no mere sheep would be able to. If only you haven't eaten me... Now I'm just slowly dissolving in your dragon stomach acids... Nobody will even remember the name of... Uh... Wilhelm Olivewilhelm..."

Rowan shakes his head slowly with a weak grin.

"Maybe it's better off not being remembered-"

"Rude! So that's just it? Wilhelm gets eaten and that's the end of his story?"

"No, uh... The dragon reconsiders the situation and spits you- Wilhelm up. Wait, should I say you or Wilhelm?"

"Whatever you see fit. But how is that possible? Wasn't it a bite? I'm like a bloody mush now."

"Eh, it was more of a gulp, actually. So the dragon spits you up and you're mostly undamaged. The dragon is moved, in fact. Moved by the love he felt radiating off of you while you were in his stomach."

"Right. So, mighty dragon, will you let me love you? I don't care what the world thinks of us... My feelings are strong, undeniable and I can't hide them anymore-"

"The dragon leans in for a big, sloppy kiss."

"That's..."

"Do you return the kiss? Your whole head is in the dragon's mouth by the way.

"How is that supposed to work then...?"

"I don't know, lick him from the inside?"

"Rowan, ew!"

They both explode into laughter, forgetting about their pasta almost completely. When they manage to calm down a little, Rowan leans back and yawns again.

"Aww, is my dear dragon that tired already? You should just go to sleep once we finish eating." Julian says with a soft smile.

"Well, terrorizing villages does take up a lot of energy. And I can't go to sleep right after this, I get heartburn..." Rowan rubs his eyes a bit and leans down again to finish his pasta.

"Then I'll make you chamomile tea." Julian shovels the last bit of his food into his mouth and gets up from his seat.

"Thank you, Wilhelm." Rowan answers with a grateful smile.

While Julian prepares the drink, Rowan manages to clear off his plate. Then Julian approaches again and sets the tea poured into Rowan's favorite flowery cup on the table in front of him.

"You're still a little dirty, darling." Julian instinctively reaches forward to wipe Rowan's face and gasps when his fingers get bitten down on.

"Hey, what's this for?"

Rowan lets go after a moment.

"I'm still the dragon. It's an immersive experience. Besides, don't you know that dragons are allowed to go to sleep all dirty and disgusting?"

"Not my dragon. My dragon is supposed to go to sleep all clean and smelling like fresh flowers." he states and grabs the nearest piece of cloth so he can clean Rowan's face.

"No, an ambush-!" Rowan yelps and starts squirming under his touch. Julian just carries on with a grin.

"Now," Julian sets the cloth away and hands Rowan the cup of tea "take your little drink and to bed with you, dragon. I'll handle the dishes."

Rowan gets up from his seat with another yawn and Julian puts an arm around him just to give him a little peck on the lips. Then he nudges him towards the exit of the kitchen.

"I love you, dearest dragon."

"The dragon loves you too."

[murkystarlight]

DREAMZZZ season2 (part 2) spoilers

(It's really just me making random comments on the episodes)

Episode 17

Yes, Izzie. We're going to the beast realm-

Dizzy apparently is still here- what. Are they buddies now? Or what

Wildoria- ooh

Z! Don't eat that-

Nova jumping behind Iz. (Nice to see Nova and Sneak more often)

Toss it our of the rift?? Ohh- I can already see this is a bad idea.

And Z spit it out. Good. And it's also something really important. Of course it is.

Beast master. Sounds like he would have the crown of control- cause he's the master. Y'know?

Make Nova dream about Wildoria? Wow- and she specifically said "I'm glad I'm.not going"

Ooh! So they didn't forget about the birthday. Good. And I guess Mateo isn't completely avoiding Jasmine of Jasmine chose to call Mateo instead of Izzie. Or maybe Izzie just didn't pick up-

Montage!!

Woah- okay Izzie. No more rad radioactive. Please- you had enough already

She's crafty too, isn't she

Mateo doesn't like change- he's accepting it. But he's taking his time... oh... this just like the Never Witch

It's Sneak's drink. Oh my god- you can't just steal other people's stuff

Zoey narrating. And does it well?? Really well-

Okay- what is that temple-(and yes. The animals definitely do look like they are under control

He came in through the rift! He isn't dreaming! Oh gos- I have so many questions now

Okay Claudius. He is wearing the crown as suspected-

Living the dream! (But literally)

I kind of like this Claudius guy

He seems lonely. And.. a freak kinda

...Izzie? Is.. is she okay? I don't think she is-

Wow. Sneak is great at voice acting

She won't be able to fall asleep. No sir. Definitely not

Now she's pissed. It's your own fault

At least the food is edible. I thought it be like.. bugs- but then again. They have bugs among them. So I guess that would be like.. cannibalism-

Why did you tell him that there's more powerful artifacts! No! He's the kind that's crazy for power isn't he!

Animal abuse-

Hm. Nevermind I hate this guy.

Good thinking Zoey

The tickling vines

"Inspiring him to take a shower"

Apparently he showers with his clothes on. Question. Do you need to shower in the dream realm?

Jumping rope?

Cooper keeps trying to do stuff- which.. is good. Yeah. And he's getting creative. Thinking outside the box and all that

Oh- you okay?...

Okay- the fly trap looks creepy. And how is Nova so peaceful- cute

Does he have that crown glued on his head?! The heck??

Ooh. Mind control??

Also- really? Scaring your friend in a dream? Really?? That's the plan?

Sack him? Oh gosh. Well it worked. But Zoey isn't being controlled. Welp- better luck next time(she dodged the darn thing?? How??)

Izzie- no- no oh my god.

C-rex looks amazing with all that lighting

Also, is Cooper holding a guy in a sack. Over his shoulder. With one hand- it's a dream but still

"WHERE IS THE RIFT"

Cooper!

Apparently controlling people isn't the only thing he can do. Or were they controlled to wake up

And the rift clised- and they got doom domed! And Logan is... really good at falling asleep (so sweet how he stays with her)

And Clause is really dumb

Episode 18

Power hungry dude. (With good hearing)

He is real trouble.

Oh no- Logans a giant panda! (...Izzie likes it?) Oh no- he isn't good.

Look at the four of them together- watching that tiny dome-

Suffering for Izzie

"Izzie's gone!"

"Logan isn't answering his phone, Mateo's freaking out, and Mr. Oz well.... he's not helping"

"Izzie's gone!!"

"I was such a jerk to Izzie last night! I'm her brother! I'm supposed to take care of her!"

"Izzie's gone-!"

The amount of stuff going on here- chaos. I love the chaos. And also, Mateo being a sweet brother-🥺

Mateo blaming himself😭😭 oh my goddd

Supportive friends

Omg! The party-!

"Izzie's gone?!"

Wait- aren't we in the waking world? How is Dizzy here?? (Also, my theory was- kind of right?? Yay!!)

I really wanted to see the clones out in the waking world. But working together... that's not what I expected. Still good though

Oh- the nightmare thing at school-

"Izzie's gone?"

"Oh Izzie's gone??"

Izzie's new outfit! So that's why it's animal themed...

"Maybe this will knock some sense into you!" *attempts to smash her friends head*

Mrs. Castillo notices that Dizzy looks different

"Are you crazy? I don't eat cobras! Some of my best friends are cobras!!"

Wow-

Cooper's a great actor (and Mateo's staring at him like he's crazy)

Ooh the gems are pretty

Oh- and she lost Bunchu

Logan! (His hair looks like Lance-)

"Oh Izzie! I'm so sorry-"

How did he wake up??

Dizzy... you're not even trying

And.. logan is a wolf now. Okay. Sure... makes... sense

"Oh, it's, uh, a new online challenge?"

He's great at lying now

"Uh.. not sure Logan's in control anymore"

"Was he ever?"

Mrs. Putnam- wow. He really fell asleep fast

The griffen is... sorta helping? Zinnia is a nice name

Oh- no she's not

She really has a lot of talents

Wow. She changes so darn much and people are just going "Oh. Okay. Well anyways-"

Middle-schoolers. Haha.

Karaoke~

"Dizzy! You're a genius"

"Wow-! I've never gotten a compliment before"

Ohhh I see it coming now~~

Oh- they still have resistance(way with animals)

Uh- what did she put in the punch? Pickle?? Oh-

Dizzy is really good at bad-

"Spicy! Hot! Hot!" (Her voice- unique)

Izzie is being smart

The party.. is going to shit

Mateo likes it. Well- of course. I mean this kind of stuff is fun-

She's motivational- dang..

The cake-

Can't feel my tongue no more- how bad is it?!

Food fight!!

Logan! Noooo

The nice conversation between Dizzy and Mateo

"Oh dang- uh, they're totally gonna eat him, arent they" Ohhh he's in for it now

"No one should use this crown!"

Yes ma'am! Yes! Good good. Very inspiring. She's good

And- the Never Witch is here now. Wait- she's taking it that easily??

She helping the dishes?

Chants in Latin?? Latin?!

So much stuff going on-

Episode 19

Their dad is so sweet-

Um- what the heck??

Cooper!

What is going on-

Alright- um.. let's go boys

Oh- look at that! Beautiful picture! I love how it looks-- all the dopples positioned

Ah- they... they're gone- they're good. And... coming together? Um... I'm kind of worried

Astrid! She's disappeared after getting her new clothes. Good to see ya!

How is she rolling up the stairs like th-

Logan is still a bit frenzy- I guess since the crown of control is with the Never Witch?

Oh- no. He's just racing with Iz

Oh! Never Witch backstory

Zoey really doesn't like bugs

Ooh- yeah the Never Witch didn't even try to design it well

King Albert! Yes operate him again

"Deja vu!"

"You- can say that again"

"Deja vu."

Yo- king Albert is amazing(while . He lasted)

Cooper is good at tech. Isn't he

Zoey! Cooper!! (The blast was beautiful tho)

Logan- be patient, and nice (the panda voice is so- cu)

"Greaat. Now the space car blows up on my watch too. Hah hah- Mr. Oz is never gonna let me drive his ships again"

(Oh right. I forgot to say this.

Sorry Mr. Oz-)

And um.. technically, he isn't allowed to drive. I know it's a dream. But still-

"What ships? Grab my hand!"

....my brain is hopeless (Cooper× Zoey?)

O0O

Pyewacket!!

"Then what are we waiting for?"

"Nothing"

"Let's rock and roll"

Okay- but the giant monstrosity of a thing is like... super creepy

The sand effects look so prettttyyyy

"Be careful Zoey! You can't miss"

"Ugh- no pressure"

Love these two.

Mateo! Good job- Astrid!(oh- she's gone)

"Pyewacket, do the cat thing and hassle the birds. But quietly!"

Cat on his head!

Eugh that does look gross- I'm so sorry for you Zoey

"Uh- sorry Mr. Oz. We're working on it"

He sounds.. really unenthusiastic- loo

Oh dear- Cooper....

And- you lost it. Good job Zoey. Now you have to get up close to the bugs!

Wow. Cooper really needs a prize for actjng- like.. try out for a school play. Sure you'll do well lol

"There were more. Two girls, another boy, and the green one" (Well- you just blasted the other boy)

...this is actually kind of creepy. Does good with the visual effects

Well- that was one heck of an episode. Also, what happened to Cooper? Did he get sucked in? Or..

Episode 20

Twentieth!! Last one!

"The way it was always meant to be"

Oh no- wait what? Oh- the green one!!

Oh... was not expecting that! The writers are good at writing twists-

Yes! Protect your sister!! (And logan of course-)

Zoey is having the worst nightmare ever. Like- I would scream myself awake

The spider does have pretty eyes tho-

The Never Witch made a really cool speech

Zoey is scared- like a lot. Which is reasonable

Woah- awesome

Question. How does the memory help with stopping the witch??

Hug

Jesus- how many pets does she have(a lot)

Cooperrrrr! Ahhhhhh (was he hanging there this whole time? What the-)

"Maybe she got tied up?"

Uh.. correct! 10/10 (what is this dude-)

Pye glowing! Glowing!what's gonna happen now~

"Can you figure out how to release the doom-domes?"

"Hm.. tricky.."

What- can he really do everything? Like- dude! What the-

Playing catch (going to be real dizzy for Izzie and Logan)

Cooper! (Again? Really? What is- What- huh?)

Oh no- he's fine

And now Z

Oh' what the- sound waves? Pye?

Pye!! Oh my god- music! Speakers oh~

Now we get to see the memory! Yess

Oh- the yellow flowers died. Crying. Oh

Ahhhh

"You can hate me. But I'll never hate you. I love you, sister. I want you to remember that"

Well. I heard that line a few times before-

Uh... bonding with the Never Witch?

Wow- cooper. You get into a lot of things

Oh... she- she wanted to- she didn't want her sister to think that she hated her- Oh my god- this lego show has no right to be this- this-! Ugh

......goodbye-

Hold hands! Yes. Wait what- hold on. No like seriously- is it necessary? And- Well- in..

"They're in the wrong places. This isn't right"

"But it's great. I mean, look at it. It doesn't have to be exactly the same as it was before. I learned a lot of new stuff. I'm better"

"How do we know it'll be better?"

Yes you are! YES YOU SO VERY ARE- AHHRGGRGHH

And Mateo? Please don't do that- you keep leaving trails of *I kind of agree with the villain. But you know, in a slightly different way*

"We don't. But we can hope for the best. You can't control everything. And that's okay"

Okay. Now, kiss.(no but seriously- come on! Ahhh-) (do they really have to do it together? Like that? Really? Oh my God- ahhhahahah)

She accepted it. Oh- this is... such a nice ending-

Sandman!! Burzerker! Camelion! Phil!!!

They're all back! Yesss ahhhhh

Awww-

Bye Dizzy

Woah- I feel

Oh it's not over yet-

Logan talking about his moms, date with Astrid-

Mateo's more open to Jasmine too it seems!

"Can we skip school today?!" (Worth a shot-)

Mr. Oz... that's so sweet of you to say... ....but did you say gift from Lunia?

And Zoey's binding with her dad more too-

I- oh god-

.......wait. is this the end of DREAMZZZ??

I mean... it would be like- a great ending. But... ....

[kenniilovesthethicc]

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about "Chow Down," from the Lion King Broadway show. Specifically, Ruggie singing some of the lyrics from it.

Here is a little funny fic about this concept

🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾

Having a boyfriend that was taller than you had many benefits. Getting things from the top shelf, carrying you, resting his head on your shoulder; all very good. However, things got a whole lot more... spooky, whenever you were only a few inches tall while he was 5'7" and a carnivore.

You'd been dating Ruggie for some time now since having to sleepover at Savanaclaw when getting evicted by Azul and his goons. The darling boy would help cook with you, "find," (steal) little trinkets for you he couldn't afford, and those kisses he'd pepper on your cheek always left you feeling warm. Time passed on and you had forgotten his dangerous aspects. It all changed with a potion.

"Greeeaaat, just what I needed: shrink juice spilled on me," you complain as you attempt to clean up a spillage at your work desk. It had been a simple homework for potions, just using a shrink potion to compel a flower's petals to get smaller. As this mixture was intended for plants, it was dropped on using a pipette quite delicately. However, your clumsy ass spilled it on yourself, half the damn bottle. Cool, cool, this is just fine.

In moments, you magically POOF into pipsqueak form, landing on the desk itself next to the flower's vase. Ruggie, having heard commotion, came into the room to scope things out.

"Babe, you good in here? I heard something-" he takes a few good sniffs, turning to look directly at you, "...spill." He rushed over, eyes wide at what he was looking at. "You got a shrinking potion on yourself!? Are you ok?" Shyly, you step into view and start mumbling insults about yourself. "Yeah, I'm fine. Not sure how I'm gonna get access to a growth potion in short notice, but fine," you wipe the liquid off of your forehead and flump on the table. Scooping you up, Ruggie uses his bandana to wipe the little bit of droplets off of you since the residue has no more magic. "Well, the only way to find a reversal for that kind of potion would be from Crewel anyways. Looks like you're gonna be my little buddy until midday tomorrow, shishishi!"

GrrrrUUmmbl

"... I think I have juuust the spot to keep you, too ~" he teased, opening his maw ready to swallow you up. Jumping back, you growl in playful anger at him. "Ruggie! I don't wanna be stuck in your stomach for hours and hours.. it gets gross after you eat something and I'm still there..." The hyena pouted, other paw scratching his belly. "C'mooon, lil snack. It's so incredible how you're so rude-" he licks your cheek, "when you're so edible..." he nibbles your arm, "when you are food!"

Leaping from his grasp onto the bed, the chase begins. Your tiny feet gain speed as you dart across the surface, hungry hyena boy teasingly following. In the same silly songlike manner he continues.

"I'm chompin at the bit, baby," as he nearly snags you with his slightly discolored fangs. "My stomach's on the growl," as he rolls onto his back like a housecat toying with a mouse while you climb over his leg to get to the exit. Sliding down the rimming around the stairs, the beast continues his pursuit. Once downstairs, nearly out of breath, you peek into the kitchen when a giant hindpaw stomps next you you. "You've been invited on a date," he sings as he bends down and you're picked up, taken into the dining area. "Handed to me on a plate," as he places you on the same plate he ate a grilled cheese on.

Your heart is racing, eyes wide at the handsome devil who loomed over you. "Be good as gold, for you're as good as carved!" He darkly teases as his claws carefully glide across your belly, not harming you yet the thoughts still flood in. "Here, kitty kitty..." he leans in, whispering right into your whole body. "I'm starved~"

"... WHAT THE HELL WAS ALL THAT ABOUT!?" You yell laugh at the now snickering Ruggie whose tail won't stop wagging. "Who told you songs about eating people make me flustered?? And everything else??" He propped his chin on his arms and looked at you dopily. Truly, he didn't know where that performance came from. He did know, however, that it certainly got you all red in the face so whatever he did, worked. "Ehh, just an impulse I guess. While you do look tasty right now, I haven't had dinner yet and you still gotta munch too. Howabout after I make us some chicken sliders you rest up in me? It won't be thaaat mushy inside~"

..

So now, you are tucked away in Ruggie's full, chicken sandwiched tummy for the night. It'll be hell explaining this situation to professor Crewel tomorrow, but for now, life is simply gorgling beast-twink belly.

[kakimushire]

Sakchai opening his mandibles but snapping them down on Mayuri's instruments because they moved on his tongue thus food? A little nibble and tug but when they don't break or give, he lets up and moves his antenna around the shinigami to understand what is going on a little better! Though he did stay still as Mayuri asked for, just a curious blind beastie that's allowing the man extremely close to examine him without a death bite, so fair is fair.

Hm. Strangely enough, nobody in the lab had volunteered to go into the creature's glass-cage to do the readings Mayuri wanted. Yes, he could've just ordered someone to do it - but well - he could also do it himself. Unlike his fellow lab members, Mayuri had no fear. Of anything.

Large mandibles that could undoubtedly tear into his skin with no trouble, snapped down on Mayuri's instruments, just like he'd wanted. He wished to see if the creature possessed any venom. If it did, then he would extract it and study it, and he would no doubt have use for it later. The creature was biting down, but it seemed more like a nibble than an actual attempt to eat. Like it was tasting. Mayuri wondered what sort of flavours would be agreeable to it. Did it have a sweet tooth like himself?

The instruments were released. Mayuri stood still while he let the creature's antennae gently tap against his small body. It was blind, so it was best not to move, and let it size him up instead. Mayuri would be interested to see if it would attack. So far, it was surprisingly docile for such a large beast. It even seemed to listen to commands. It didn't attack him. Could it tell that his flesh was poisonous?

❝ There's a good boy. ❞ He reached out a hand, slowly. Then he pat the dry, armoured plating that covered the back of the creature. ❝ You can tell I'm not edible, hm? ❞

[justrambles]

(Beauty and the beast steddie)

No.3 — Breakfast

Eddie is reminded once again that he's somehow living in a world where fantasy is reality as he opens his eyes to see a deer and a squirrel stare at him. They also look very young like Dustin, but Eddie's not entirely sure since he doesn't know how to tell animals' ages.

"So how did you even find this place? Who are you? What do you want?" The deer-boy asks.

Eddie doesn't know how, but he thinks that he might have a talent for reading animal���faces. He can see that even though the deer boy tries to sound suspicious, there's an excited curiosity seeping out; and although the squirrel—boy? girl?— haven't said anything yet, there's guarded hesitance right there. Eddie guesses he'll have to try to ease their guards a bit.

"Well, hello to you, too. I'm Eddie," he says with a fake offended tone.

The kids exchange their glances as Eddie introduces himself. Hopefully, they realized they haven't even introduced themselves. (Eddie would really like to stop referring to them as deer and squirrel in his head.)

"My name's Lucas," the squirrel starts, and with a pat on the head he introduces his companion. "And this is Mike. We didn't mean to sound interrogating. We only—"

"We haven't seen other people for ages. We were just curious."

"And surprised. Really."

Enthusiastic nods follow, and Eddie is reminded of Dustin. Probably they're brothers or friends.

***

Apparently, the kids are friends. Lucas and Mike accompany Eddie as he goes downstairs, and Dustin joins them from the hallway. They all trail after Eddie, chattering, as he heads to the kitchen.

"Okay, quick question: Is it okay if I have breakfast at this place? I don't want to be more of a burden but I just realized I haven't had anything else from yesterday's lunch."

At that moment, all the kids stop talking.

"Does this mean no? I mean, I get it. It's cool that you let me stay—"

"Yes!" Dustin sputters. Eddie has no idea what he means.

"So... 'Yes' as in 'yes, it means no' or 'Yes' as in 'yes, it's okay'?"

"I meant 'yes, it's okay.' But theoretically. Theoretically yes."

"Theoretically," Eddie repeats, "How can there be a theoretical answer to breakfast? I'm getting confused."

"I thought Dustin explained we were cursed," Lucas nudges Dustin with his tiny paw.

"I did! I just didn't want to dump all the tiny details on whether we could eat or not on Eddie when he was drenched and tired!"

"You can't eat?" Now Eddie is confused and worried. They are kids, is this allowed?

"We can eat," Mike interjects, "We just don't have to. We've been in the same state since we got turned, and it's the same with hunger. We're not hungry. And it's kind of hard to eat pasta with hooves."

"So no one really goes to the kitchen anymore, and we don't know if there's food left or not."

"Or if it's even edible."

Eddie sighs — the chance of finding something to eat seems low. He'll probably have to rummage through his van to find food. But he heads towards the kitchen first, just in case.

[uramii]

How odd for Ganondorf to find this trotting back and forth cumbersome. As king he should flex the authority and have someone else do it but the trust just wasn't there. At least, not yet. For now he was resolved to gather all supplies on his own, attach it to his steed and then decompress for all of ten seconds afterwards. As if the uncharacteristically peaceful sleep after the carnage of the night before weren't enough.

First on his mind: food. Chef Gourd seemed like he knew his way around the kitchen so surely something edible had been produced by now. He'd have to commission something to eat as well. Teleportation was on the table as he displayed earlier but he wanted to give this man a fair chance. The extra time would do nothing but benefit him. Meanwhile Ganondorf was alone with his thoughts. It wasn't all bad once he let them wash over. From the entrance, to the second level of the castle, down the seemingly endless corridors... even at his modest pace it took him nearly ten minutes of trekking to finally make it to the Kitchen. The change in scenery nearly gave him whiplash. Though, what would renovations to the kitchen help with??

Well, when he'd come back he was met with two chef's this time and the helper Bokoblin he'd assigned. There was a dispute it seems.

"I'm to believe that this thing here will be helping us?? Who knows where it's hands have been, we serve under the same roof as the king himself!! Need I remind you that he murdered the last bits of royalty over us?" Despite the entrance this woman spoke freely. Ganondorf had some bit of respect forming for the fair-skinned lady. Gourd however argued also as if he weren't there. The shifting air was nothing to him. "The king himself gave us this imp to help. An' he said we can feed him our waste! Remember who runs stuff back here Cherril: me." A resounding thumb met Gourd's chest while the aforementioned Cherril's eyes narrowed. The corners of the lady's mouth turned up as her posture stiffened. She didn't like the thought even with Gourd throwing his weight.

". . ." Ganondorf's arms overlapped. He decided not to interject.

"Do you hear yourself? I thought you held yourself to a higher standard than to allow a monster back here." The beast in question was currently rummaging through a bag of apples. The hat given to him clung for dear life to it's head while it's uncoordinated movements jostled it. Apples were surrounding it and all of them fresh... except for the single morsel at the bottom of the bag. A few grunts escaped it's long maw while the apple was drawn forth in it's spoiled glory. The sounds were enough to draw everyone's attention towards it. Cherril practically gagged at the sight of the beast enjoying itself. Gourd began to grin as it swallowed the spoiled apple whole. Ganondorf was unmoved.

"YUCK, see?? Now we have to burn those apples!" She added.

"Workin' in the kitchen this long and you haven't heard of water Cherril? Tsk tsk, we can soak the apples and kill whatever germs they picked up. Listen, if he didn't find that apple, all of 'em would've gone bad."

Ganondorf chose no side. Instead, he simply reiterated a point.

"If you have a problem with the beast's presence, then speak with me later." Their heads turned to the king as he made himself known. Cherril nearly jumped from her skin as she realized everything she may have aired out in front of him meanwhile Gourd's expression reset.

"Breakfast for me and the guests. Do you have something to present, Chef Gourd? Also, I'll need rations made for me and three other people. Packed and ready to go within the hour if you can. Death Mountain calls." Seeing as their argument was set aside Ganondorf got right on to business. Chef Gourd nodded and motioned for Ganondorf to follow him deeper into the kitchen, meanwhile Cherril was pale as the king passed by, expecting some sort of explosive bout aimed at her but it scared her further that no such thing was happening. Did he not find anything she said offensive?? If he was combatting guests then who was she? The issue she had would remain between her and Gourd until further notice...

">>The cavalry saddle has everything she'll need anyway.<<"

Nita stood, hands on her hips and glaring down Markesh as he stubbornly fought for the request set on him from his dear Imperial. Artillery tack or bust, apparently.

">>She was very specific in asking for the artillery set.<<" he reiterated, standing equally as stubborn in the face of the handler. ">>It's not my job to question what she wants, so long as she gets it and gets it from an expert.<<"

">>While I see what you're trying to do, I remind you that artillery tack is heavy and hard to handle for one person to take on and off.<<" Nita fought back, her face twisting as she recognized his attempt to flatter her into service.

">>I highly doubt she's going to want to take it off, she may as well leave it on.<<"

Nita paused at this, thinking it over. Trying to read between the lines of the orders given and Markesh's own pushing back against her suggestions. ">>...So we are going to war then...<<"

It was the only thing that made sense to her as to why saddle a Dragon with artillery tack instead of the lighter cavalry variant. It wasn't light riding, it wasn't a casual jaunt through the local landscapes, it wasn't some romantic outing although the thought had crossed her mind given the audience. That left only one reason left.

">>Unfortunately not.<<" Markesh replied, poking holes in the Dragon master's bubbles of hope. ">>Not for want of trying, I think it would do the mainland better.<<"

">>...You said something and she said no huh.<<" Nita said, quirking a brow up. ">>You know what, fine. Artillery tack. At least Bucephalus is a lineage that can handle it for long periods. I'm not dealing with Styx right now...<<"

With a haughty nod of his head and a firm, ">>Thank you!<<" Markesh turned to leave Nita to her job. He was on his way around the outer ring of wagons when motion caught his eye and he stopped. Dark eyes here laid on the emerging King, a glimpse of the last of the teleportation he'd used to exit the castle. Thankfully, none of the wagons were in his path as he turned and headed away from them, but Markesh did weep internally for the shrubbery of the gardens that was incapable of moving...

A stop at the kitchens again was made, this time to pick up just more tea. He felt it was going to be a little longer to wait for any departure, and sought to pass the time to sip at the spiced milk tea until then.

It wasn't hard to locate Fariah, having finished the morning ceremonies for the holiday with the rest of the caravan who needed the boost. Master of ceremonies where an Oracle was not present, such was the Imperial's job as well.

">>Well, our King is awake. Just spotted him storming through the gardens, I fear for who or whatever has his ire this time...<<" Markesh told her, waiting for her to finish to offer her a seat at a bench nearby. ">>Frankly, for all his huff and hurry yesterday, I'm surprised he's taking so long.<<"

">>Yes, well ... tadika-tadika, it gives me time to properly establish our little sphere of influence here.<<" she replied, accepting a cup from her Regent of steaming tea. ">>I suspect Nita gave you trouble with the request.<<"

">>Honestly, I told her you asked for it and she tried to downgrade to cavalry levels.<<" Markesh sighed, pouring a cup for himself as well. ">>But the job got done, I'll talk to the kitchens here for travel fare when she delivers Bucephalus to us.<<"

">>Very good. As it should.<<" she chuckled, finally feeling like the haze of exhaustive sleep was leaving her. ">>When does the gun arrive, any estimations?<<"

He shrugged in response. ">>Oh, I would say a day and a half to two days from now. You should be back by then, I would think.<<"

">>Depending on how long talks there take, if they are needed. It is hard to tell, Gorons pride strength overall but it was kind of a vague point. I may be out there longer than I intended to make sure we are on good footing with them first.<<" she sighed.

">>I will be here regardless, to accept the gun or welcome you back, whichever is first.<<" he assured her before breaking the brief silence that followed. ">>Are we really getting a mine?<<"

">>Above and below, I hope so.<<" she laughed at his reaction, draining her cup to dredges. ">>It is ... surreal, isn't it...<<"

Markesh repeated it, with more confidence behind it. Despite the last day or so, he was feeling in better spirits now with the realization. ">>We're getting a mine.<<"

[eldritch-spouse]

Requesting to take a bite outta Morell I know he will kill me and is most definitely made out of a non edible shrooms but he just looks so good let me get a bite please I'm begging

[Horrible idea anon, just terrible, you feral little beast.]

In a brilliantly ironic and almost offensive twist of fate, Morell is actually horrified of being chased after for being a mushroom monster. Believe it or not, the spores that are produced by his cap are quite valuable for a plethora of products out there, mostly medical salves and whatnot. His kind is somewhat harassed because of this feature, especially when in heat. Part of the reason why Morell has so much cake is because he doesn't want to have to deal with any less-than-friendly requests for spores... You'd think twice about whacking a buff 7'3" monster, wouldn't you?

Morell is very proud of his pileus, it's a rather sizable one for monsters of his kind and has caught the attention of many potential partners. Furthermore, he has bright colors and many marks everywhere on his body (except the face), which only adds to his allure as a male. You can begin to understand why Morell would not take kindly to anyone wanting to take a bite out of him. The only part of his figure that can be effectively bitten off by a human is part of his cap, which then slowly regrows. That's not an invitation, you'll regret trying. Morell can and will gladly "de-fang" you should you prove yourself a troublesome piglet- Maybe just use a muzzle, if you're good.

Part of him is a little flattered though, it's almost heart-warming to see someone as eager to taste him as he is to taste them. Morell feels cherished, in a very unhealthy and disgusting sort of way. If you behave extra well, the mushroom monster will offer you a tiny portion of his prized cap- Properly cooked so you don't get poisoned.

Morell tastes a little more gooey than the average mushroom, perhaps a tiny bit spicy. You'll get a very small high from eating a part of his pileus.

[chips-and-creatures-iiau]

a couple a you have "anything" listed under what y'all eat on your files. how far does this extend? is there anything y'all won't eat? what do you like to eat? smiles so sweetly.

[Hey, since im working on One BIG thicc answer, ill just answer this in text. also the answer for this one is probably long anyways.]

Expi: Oh! this is something! Well, I don't know their favorites, and what they don't want to eat at all, but I think I can describe the extension of the list.

Expi: 1LB really isn't picky at all, and I've witnessed her eating sticks, yarn, Fish food.. and other various things that aren't even edible. One time she ate one of my unlabeled experiments, which surprise, surprise.. Turned her into one of my beasts. Yeah. She has been stuck with me for the longest. But its ok, she doesn't really care as long as I give her cookies regularly.

Expi: For 4FN, I have no idea what he eats because apparently he's the only one who doesn't sit around and wait for me to shove food in his face. I'm serious, he goes out of his way to steal shit from my fridge and maybe cooks French toast for 1NC, but other than that I never see him eat except for the occasional bag of chips.

Expi: 1SU Is an absolute mess and probably has eaten most of the stuff I've thrown into her tank. I'm certain that the list I put down for her diet is very incorrect. I am still not one hundred percent sure that, but she's like a more picky 1LB.

Expi: I'm still not 100% on their diets and I've only listed down the things I know for a fact they eat. Either way! Great question! Thanks for asking!

[athena-is-a-chaotic-lil-shit]

Of Ice and Blood

Part 2

Hello there! I present to you, part 2 of my orc x fem!human series!

I still don't know what to name this fic of mine

I should've thought about the title in the first place lmao

Anyways! I'll try updating constantly if I can. Enjoy reading!

Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

Pairing: Tai'chi Kashharzol (Orc) x Pearl Blackbell (Human OC/Reader)

Warnings: Cursing, lots of cursing. Mild violence and mentions of injury.

UD 01/10/21 : CLEANED AND PROOFREAD PROPERLY (hey I did my best)

(reference to the mask she's currently wearing //her hair is still braided// )

*

Even with the tedious introduction the professor was on about, I couldn’t help but pick up the whispers of my human classmates, and the unmistakable nasty odor they were giving off.

“Hey. Look at that orc over there.”

“Tsk. Beast. Why is it even here—”

“I bet it’s gonna get suspended from breaking someone’s arm.”

“It looks like he’s gonna kill somebody soon.”

Snickers and clicks of disgust went around the group.

The professor shushed them, not quite knowing what they were talking about before he moved on.

I cursed, feeling my blood boil from their words. The orc wasn’t even doing anything! And they slander him like that? I would love to break their fucking ne—

No, damn it! No violence! Mama will go crazy if she finds out I broke someone’s spine. Behave and endure. Remember your training.

...but seriously though, I'm going to fucking snap their legs. Nah, perhaps use pepper spray on their eyes until they go blind, even though the mixture inside my spray bottle wasn’t made to have permanent effects on someone, but it would still cause great discomfort.

I hugged my backpack, the thought of my dusters inside somehow comforting.

I didn’t notice Tai'chi was taking glances at me out of concern while I was imagining how I’d smash those jerks’ faces.

************************************

My mind wandered around the interaction by the gates earlier, and how... contradicting... it was when I entered the building.

Everything passed like a blur as I continued daydreaming about other things, hardly paying attention to what everyone else was saying. Plus it takes a lot of concentration to survive their pungent scents.

A bell rang, bringing me back down to Earth. It was lunchtime already.

Everyone seemed relieved as they started filing out of the area and headed towards the cafeteria. [a/n: Ooh that rhymed] I failed to see the lingering glances of barely masked distaste in our direction.

I glanced at the or— Tai'chi, whom I found out was looking at me already, stunning me at how he stared for a moment before I broke eye contact and stood up, which he also did. I almost fell back down my chair when I scented him.

Wha—

How the fuck did I not smell him before?!

I must’ve focused too much on the awful odor surrounding me that it didn’t register this—

This, oh my God.

To describe it, it was simply so— manly (or is it Orcish?). Like the scent of fresh earth and the warmth of a fireplace in the midst of a cold night. Embers crackling and sending sparks up into the sky.

He doesn’t smell one trace of a beast at all! In fact, I’ve never smelled someone so clean, so pleasant, all the while exuding masculinity, and was that a tad hint of vanilla?

For the first time in a while, I couldn’t place what the feeling was exactly. He simply smells so— good. Which is a positive sign?

I looked up to his eyes once more before I blurted out, probably a little too high-pitched;

“Lunch?”

Seriously? That’s what comes out of your damn mouth?

“I mean, do you want to go grab some lunch? At the cafeteria?” I clarified to sound normal and unaffected, (even when I clearly am).

Was the last part necessary? You’ve broken noses, dealt painful blows like a skilled warrior, but you’re embarrassing yourself.

I was busy reprimanding myself that I nearly missed what he said.

"Sure.”

He straightened up, and I was then faced with the reality of how damn tall he is. Or is it because I’m short? I barely reached over 5 feet, and he is standing there, almost three heads taller than me. Was he hunching for my sake earlier?

Wowie…

I scented a hint of pride, and was that a small quirk of his lips for a second there?

Huh. My mask is a lifesaver, or else he would've seen my jaw dropping.

I followed him out and headed straight for the campus’ cafeteria, all the while trying to converse here and there.

****************************

'Trying’ was not the right word.

Definitely not.

It was surprising, how easy and nice it was to talk to him. I could scent his apprehensiveness when I talked to him at first, but he relaxed not long after I introduced myself properly.

It felt... natural.

I learned that he came from the Northside of the country and moved to the city last year to pursue his dreams and to find a better future for his clan. I also told him about my family and home, along with my reasons for being here, leaving out the… violent part.

“My family and my entire clan wanted the best for me and my brothers. Up in the North, education is… very limited. Although ever since we were young, we were taught everything from our clan’s history, how to hunt for food, what herbs and plants were poisonous, what were medicinal and edible, how to stay alive, survive and so on.”

He paused for a moment before continuing.

“But we were cut off from the modern world. Times are changing, fast. Global warming being a major problem, leaving a huge impact on our living. So, when my clan heard about a school in the city, open to all races, they turned to us, the youth, and we took this chance.”

I looked down and thought about how disconnected the others were, only given the freedom to modern society eight years ago. Eight years is a long time, but I guess it’ll take more than that for everyone to get used to the change. That doesn’t mean they should treat them poorly!

As I realized I’ve been quiet for a while, I shot up and apologized for not replying.

“No, it’s okay. You looked like you were in deep thought. I didn’t want to interrupt.”

“Y-yeah… I was—”

“Thinking about how the majority of the human race still see us as beasts?”

There was a bit of spite in his voice, although barely noticeable. Or was it because I caught a whiff of it? No one was paying much attention to us while we were walking. But I noticed many of them hastily stepping aside and felt their glares at my back.

“How did you know?” I asked, curious.

“I could tell from your- I could tell, from the way you frowned earlier when one of those humans said something.”

Oh. He was looking at me that time?

“Frowned? But my mask—”

“It’s easy to tell if you are frowning when your eyebrows scrunch up like that. Believe me, my father does that a lot.”

“Ah. Well. It was just very rude of them. To talk shit about you and your kind like that, as if they were any better. You weren’t even doing anything, and they judge you based on your race. Orcs are civilized and intelligent just like any other, and I don’t understand why there’s still so much prejudice after eight damn years—”

I stopped and restrained the urge to go wild and curse every single human who smelled so foul every time we pass by.

“Sorry. I was...rambling.”

Was I this talkative? Maybe it's because I never had anyone to talk to.

He didn’t reply, which I found strange, so I glanced over at him and saw his eyes wide open and brows shooting up in surprise. It was almost comical.

“Uh, Tai'chi?”

Before he could even utter a word, we arrived at a huge hall where students were chatting and enjoying their lunch. Still, I noticed some humans were giving unkind looks to a gathering of goblins eating at the far left side corner of the cafeteria.

And of course, I didn’t fail to smell that wretched odor coming from a group of girls on my right when we walked in. I also recognized the one who pushed me, (No doubt it was intentional). I had to pinch my nose over my mask just but I could only block out half of it.

Ah shit, this mask doesn’t have proper air filtration.

I groaned as I tried to cut off the noise and thickened scents. For real, I wasn’t expecting it to be this harsh! I could literally smell discrimination and hate in the air!

Fuck. I should’ve worn my other mask. I swear I’m gonna burst if I stay and inhale more of that any longer—

“Pearl, are you okay?”

I groaned again and didn’t reply, busy controlling my sense of smell to even open my mouth. We were standing there like a pair of street posts, blocking a small part of the main entrance. That is if there was a 5ft- tall post. I’m more like that foldable caution sign.

“Pearl—”

“Hey, you there! Freaks! Move out of the way.”

Great. Another awful fucking odor. And what a coincidence! It was the one I smelled this morning!

“Are you deaf? I said—”

He shouldn’t have grabbed my shoulder, shouldn’t have tried to shove me aside, for the second I felt his hand reaching for me, and before Tai'chi could pull me away, my reflexes kicked in.

What did I do exactly? Oh, I simply grabbed that damned arm of his, threw him over my shoulder, and slammed him down on the tiled floor in front of me, finishing a one-arm shoulder throw.

The people in the area halted what they were doing and a short-lived silence came over, broken by whispers.

So much for keeping a low profile.

The guy I just performed basic self-defense on was spitting curse words at me. He was still on the floor, trying not to voice the pain in his back.

“Freak! You’re a monster, aren’t you?! How dare you do this to me. Don't you know who I am?!" he yelled.

Did he mean me or? Either way, what he said was not true.

I tried to calm my anger down and gave him a forced smile, under my mask, and mustered up the voice and tone I always used when I’m annoyed.

But right now, I am pissed.

“Now, dear, fellow, human, what you said was clearly untrue. I am entirely human and this person beside me is an orc. Or were you blinded by your overgrown ego and disgusting attitude to see the obvious in front of you? Surely that must be it. The entrance to the cafeteria is wide enough for two people to not serve as a hindrance to the ones coming in, but still, you chose to try and shove me aside yourself. Well, I won’t apologize but I’ve had enough pushing for one day. And lastly, no, I do not know you and I don’t care.”

I gritted my teeth, my face hurting from smiling forcefully. The cafeteria was quite silent enough all the while and no doubt they heard every word I said.

Fuck.

I twisted around and bolted out of the building.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck! I blew it! Fucking blew my chance to have a normal college life! Now everyone will think I’m some crazy person and would, without a doubt, avoid me forever.

I was too busy cursing and walking away, planning to hide in a hole for all eternity that I didn’t feel the presence of someone following me.

Without thinking much of where I was heading, my feet led me to a secluded part of the uni. Tall trees lining up before and around me looking like an entrance to a forest, and so I tried hiding behind one. Hoping that the guards wouldn’t notice and detain me or something.

I sat down between the great roots of an oak tree and rested my head on top of my knees as I took deep breaths and listened.

Nature always had a place in my heart. How could it not? When you can hear the chirps of little birds, the soothing sound of leaves rustled by the wind. And the peace that comes with it all.

Not to mention it smells so relaxing.

“Hello there.”

************************************

Haha! What will Pearl do next I wonder, and who is this person who followed her??

Had to cut it off at that part because my dearest self just loves cliff hangers—

And because I wanted to post something as soon as possible.

Hope you enjoyed! I will be working on the third part asap.

Tags: @kokokatsworld @crackinanutshell

[angelic-serenade]

Alastor + disaster cook! S/O

headcanons

✧༝┉┉┉┉┉˚*❋ ❋ ❋*˚┉┉┉┉┉༝✧

gif, original work and characters do not belong to me

you could not cook to save your life

any attempt at cooking would result in certain failure in the best case scenario and 5.4 magnitude earthquake damage in the worst

sure, you could make edible pasta and if you really put your best efforts into it, acceptable omelette too

but anything past that level of complexity was simply out of your league, a lost cause to put it mildly

don't you even think about making a cake, that shit's dangerous

as they say: as above so below

when you landed in Hell and found yourself joining the Happy Hotel soon after, you came to find out your culinary skills had not magically improved

which is quite ironic since Charlie had made you head chef of the hotel

the string of curses which had left your lips upon hearing the news had been legendary, even for Hell

you adored the demon princess with your whole heart (or whatever was left of it anyway), bUT REALLY CHARLIE? YOU DO NOT GIVE A GUN TO A CHILD AND EXPECT CASUALTIES NOT TO HAPPEN

at this point you were certain she was subconsciously auto-sabotaging

either way, you didn't have the heart to tell her no, so you decided to put your heart and soul into trying to learn how to properly cook, which didn't turn out to be the ideal choice of words since you were in Hell and your soul was probably rotten to the core

at least, nobody could say you hadn't tried your damn best

and hey! some days your cooking hadn't even been completely sickening

you decided to stick to easy, “safe” dishes though, you know, just to be sure

so pasta and eggs were definitely a thing

a constant and repetitive thing to be precise

you were trying your best, okay? nobody in your place with your limited set of skills would have taken the job, but you did and you deserved recognition for that feat alone

or a fucking donkey hat for your skyrocketing dumbness levels

things were not so bad at first

both Charlie and Vaggie were very supportive, each one of them in their own way - even though you had totally seen Charlie trying to swallow pure unadulterated fear that one time you had announced you wanted to try to cook something more elaborate

Angel Dust on the other hand... hadn't been as considerate as to lie to your face about what he thought of your cooking

"fuck me doll, this shit's disgusting"

*insert the I don't have friends they disappoint me vine here*

Vaggie had proceeded to give Angel quite the earful while Charlie tried her best to cheer you up

you went full hermit mode on them for two days after that

you were proud of yourself, handling criticism so well

anyway, the cycle kept repeating, with the only difference that most days Angel would grab something to eat outside of the hotel and join you during meals only to blankly stare at the plates and silvery

Charlie had tried to shield you from the truth, but you weren't that stupid

you respected Angel's choice, really, you did, and you had decided to be the bigger person among the two

that's why you began to put a lil bit of laxative into his portions whenever he decided to grace your efforts and actually eat your "disgusting cooking"

y’know just to spicy things up a little

at least now he had a valid reason to complain

with the whole fiasco on live TV and the sudden and suspicious appearence of the one and only Radio Demon at your doorstep, however, things started going haywire

Alastor's presence was eeirly demanding and unsettlingly charmimg at the same time

so it was only natural for you to gravitate the fuck away from him whenever you could

you always acted politely, greeting him whenever you bumped into him through the corridors of the hotel, but you only went as far as to appear courteous because you didn't want for him to go Hannibal Lecter on you. thanks, no thanks

“and what can you do my feminine fellow?”

“I can suck your dick!”

you had snorted a bit at that which immediately shifted the strawberry pimp's attention to yourself

“and what about you, pretty dame? I take it you're in charge of the kitchens around here?”

dressed in your chef attire, you were going to meekly answer him, but before you could, roaring laughter erupted in the room. it belonged to the one and only slutty spider you found oh so irritating

in the fraction of seconds, Alastor snapped his neck at an unnatural angle to stare at the spider with a strained smile on his face

needless to say, the cursed image would forever haunt your traumatized psyche

“hasn't your mother taught you it is rude to interrupt a conversation which you have no part in? that just won't do!”

static filled the air and you feared you were going to implode if the heavy pressure didn't lift off soon enough, so you decided to take action

“ugh... yes, I'm the head chef! but, well, I... could actually use some practice and proper training?”

you hated how uncertain you sounded, but Angel's comments and your own dissatisfaction with your culinary products made you quite self-conscious about your skills

“don't fret your pretty little head about it, my dear! I, for one, am a culinary connaisseur and wonderful chef, if I do say so myself. I'll be ecstatic to guide you through your training!”

how you'd be able to handle his booming voice during hours and hours of practice was your first and main concern, but you had never been one to refuse the chance to finally prove the people who had criticized you wrong *cough cough* Angel Dust

since that day, Alastor began to personally give you cooking lessons

he was exuberant and pretty sly when it came to veiled jabs about your dreadful cooking, but he really took his time to help you out

which you had been both grateful and suspicious about

“now, we can't have our future patrons starving to death, can we?”

he was strangely patient and an overall good teacher too (emphasis on overall)

he guided you step by step through each dish, simultaneously showing off his own flawless culinary skills

you hated that you daily found yourself boosting his already GIGANTIC ego, but you couldn't help it. you could only dream about reaching that level of artistry in cooking

he always came up with creative recipes to test your limits and cooked for you in order to make you more familiar with different tastes. his mother’s were your favorites, jambalaya being his one true specialty 

he had blindfolded you once and proceeded to present you with various samples of spices, oilments and all kinds of food so that you could acquaint yourself with the smells and flavors of the ingredients and figure out yourself which ones would best suit a certain dish

saying you were hesitant at first was an understatement, because you know? being completely at the mercy of a sadistic serial killer who had terrorized the seven circles of hell? not even being able to see him? not on your bucket list

he had tried to ease your nervousness with the whole “if I wanted to hurt anyone here, I would have done so already” thing, but it was getting kind of old pretty fast

“if I had been one to play with fire, I'd have joined a circus”

he found your sense of humor as endearing your sheer presence

(when he rolled up his sleeves to cook, you felt like you could catch fire any minute, you were a slut for strong skinny arms) 

yes, Alastor had always loved to show off his own impeccable skills but he unexpectedly found himself enjoying the moments spent in your company too

he relished in seeing you fail again and again, but he also admired the way you always managed to bring yourself back up to your feet each time

he had yet to fully understand if it was foolishness or stubbornness to guide your steps

either way, you turned out to be his favorite form of entertainment in the hotel!

no matter how many slights would he send your way, you'd always manage to find an appropriate remark that made his permanent smile stretch a little more in sheer amusement

“oh dear, this beef is so undercooked one could still hear the poor beast’s lament”

“the only noise I hear is the obnoxious ramblings of an arrogant boomer”

he wasn't technically a boomer but it was always so satisfying to irk him with terms he had no knowledge of

during your cooking lessons, when the only thing left to do with a dish was wait and pray for the best, you'd come to talk about everything and anything

he'd talk to you about his precious New Orleans as he remembered it and you'd fill him in on recent historical/social developments of your time

he always looked so taken when you shared with him that modern knowledge and it made you feel useful for a change

it was, dare you say it, almost adorable how he'd ask you countless questions about your home town, the catastrophes of the last century and had there been any other war since his death?

the topic switches almost made you dizzy though

once or twice, when the timing allowed, he'd even indulge in a musical show to pass time

on the days your mood soured because of a particularly complicated recipe or bad result, he'd drag you along and dance until you were so distracted by the absurdness of the circumstances that you forgot about your previous sadness

with time, his musical shows became more frequent as he realized you'd always offer him a genuine smile after his flashy performances

it was out of personal indulgence, not because he liked the way his music always seemed to cheer you up

he'd not been vocal about the way he tried to comfort you, but you were grateful nonetheless

the first time you managed to succesfully complete one of his complicated recipes, you had almost cried

“now, now deary, under my watchful eye, it was only a matter of time until you'd finally blossom into a fine cook!”

“Alastor can I... can I hug you?”

and how could he say no to such an adorable expression? he found himself stunned into silence, not being able to tell you yes either, therefore you slowly came closer as if trying not to scare a wild animal away

when Alastor passively stood before you, not moving away, you wrapped your arms around him

he really was such a dorky noodle

he didn't relax into the hug, but he kept still as you relished in the moment and let the pressure you had hoarded for months now loose

Alastor proceeded to show off your dish during dinner and even Angel Dust could do nothing but shut up and dig in

The all powerful Radio Demon was simply so proud of your progress - not that he doubted you'd prevail in the end, thanks to his expertise and guidance

from that moment onward things only got better and even if you didn't necessarily need Alastor's help anymore, neither of you ever mentioned going your separate ways

you were both secretly glad for the silent agreement

friendly banter and dad jokes were a daily occurrence and with your new-found confidence in the field, you'd always bite back showing off new delicious dishes instead than words

you still had trouble every now and then, but Alastor was always there to help you out

not that you'd ever hear the end of it if you actually asked him for help

“what was that, my darling? is the mightiest chef in Hell having trouble in Paradise?”

you had noticed however that he'd started sneaking glances your way more than usual lately and he also started following you around wherever you went in the hotel. he became your shadow both inside and outside of the kitchen

the attention soon became unnerving, even more so when you'd go in the kitchen only find a different flower on the counter each morning

you came to realize that Alastor's advances were rather old fashioned, but you would amuse the dork and yourself for a while before taking charge

gifts became an ordinary occurrence as well as praise and you preferred not to think about what praise could do to you when it came from Alastor

he enjoyed your reactions to his flattering words a little too much, he had to admit

you had had enough of his childish antics one day and you decided to finally put your plan into action

“Al, can you come here for one sec?”

he wasn't particularly fond of the nickname, but you just loved to get under his skin as much as he did when it came to you

“what can I do for you, my darling chef?”

“here, I have a gift for you”

he looked uncharacteristically unsure of what to do but slightly amused as well. in the end curiosity took the best of him and he finally decided to open the box you had handed to him rather unceremoniously

“what is this dear?”

the apron you had chosen was a perfect fit for your long boi

“read it, please”

“kiss the cook? well, if you ask me so nicely, I just might have to”

he then proceeded to peck your cheek and you swore you could have fainted right there and then by the sheer sweetness of the gesture

it hadn't exactly been what you had planned, but you weren't going to complain

your relationship was bound to be full of surprises apparently

[that-crazy-five-foot-two-chick]

I've been so excited to write for the Mystic Messenger Reverse Big Bang 2021 (go check out other amazing fics and art in the collection at @mysme-rbb), and it's the first fanfic/art event I've participated in! @madiebelleadventures and I teamed up to brainstorm this beast, so her art is at the very end (because I ain't spoilin nothin)!

-

Rating: T

Word Count: 5.1k

Summary: One day after the end of a work week, Vanderwood surprises MC with some husband-wife baking time—with a twist. Inspired by his agent training, he suggests that they bake as a team but have MC blindfolded. In order to make a cake that's actually edible, she must follow his directions to the letter. All that's left after that is chaos, banter, and spouse-flustering. And figuring out how to actually make a cake.

A/N: Fyi MC is definitely more of her own character than a reader-insert on this one. Also as per usual with me, I headcanon Vanderwood as British, so I tried heavily to align his phrasing accordingly, despite being an American myself. Enjoy seeing exactly how much fluff I can possibly cram into 5k words!

MC sighed happily at the feeling of the wind in her hair as she drove home from work one Friday evening. Windows down, jacket off, music blasting—the air itself felt like freedom. She had nothing against her job—in fact, she enjoyed it for the most part. She prided herself in a job well done, she liked being able to manage a team of her own, and the paycheck and benefits were good. Nothing extravagant, of course, but enough to comfortably support a couple newlyweds.

And that was the real reason MC nearly jumped out the door every day when everything wrapped up at the office. Who wouldn't, with a husband as unfairly hot as Vanderwood? Completely unfair how he could make leopard print and what was practically a mullet actually look attractive. Thank goodness his fashion sense had mellowed out over time, if only a little bit. With Vanderwood's past being what it was, they had mutually come to the conclusion that it would be best for their well-being if he stayed at their apartment during the day to keep the household running. He was very particular about how he cooked, cleaned, and did the laundry, and he handled their finances conscientiously and precisely. Admittedly, she did have to occasionally remind him that as sleek as that new top-of-the-line taser was, there was no real need for it, but that was just part of her husband's charm.

And boy, was he charming.

She truly couldn't wait to get home, past this rush hour traffic. She'd get home and be pulled in for a deep kiss moments after walking in the door. Maybe he'd slip a gentle but insistent hand into her hair. Maybe they'd take it a little further. Or a lot further.

"HOLY FUDGE NUGGETS ON BACON ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME???"

MC swerved to avoid a collision and waited for her heartbeat to settle down again. There was no freaking way she was going to die in some stupid car wreck before their date tonight. A surprise, he'd said. No matter how hard she'd tried to weasel more out of him, he wouldn’t bend. Darn agent training. Good thing it wouldn't be a surprise for much longer. Within minutes, the streets got smaller and quieter as she neared her apartment building. Another minute, and she flung open the apartment door and leapt on her husband.

MC's fantasies were soon replaced by an even better reality when Vanderwood's lips landed on hers. Kissing back enthusiastically, MC wrapped her arms around his middle so tight that a less sturdy man would be coughing for air. Vanderwood snatched her keys and purse and hung them by the doorway, never breaking his focus for a second. His kisses grew slower, but no less fervent, as he smoothed her wind-strewn hair. Eventually, their lips reluctantly parted, and MC broke the silence.

"How did I manage to snag the best kisser on earth on top of marrying the most insanely attractive man on earth?"

Vanderwood smirked. "Good taste, I guess." He kissed her once more soundly for good measure.

"Maybe. Will my insanely attractive husband tell me what our surprise date is now?"

"Perhaps."

"No perhapses! I've been dying waiting!"

"Very well. Start by changing your clothes, because I am not scrubbing stains out of your good work clothes."

"Do I otherwise have to wear anything in particular? That's not a lot to go off of."

"Doesn't matter to me. Now go change before I do the job myself."

"I wouldn't complain."

"This is not that kind of date! Go!"

"Fine, Sir Panties-in-a-bunch."

MC went to the bedroom and took stock of her clothing options. She had to choose something practical that could be easily washed, but she still wanted to look a little cute. After all, it was a date. It was a tough balance to strike. Eh, she could always stick an apron or an old shirt over it. She grabbed her oversized paint shirt just in case before snagging a light pink shirt. Now for the bottoms. She debated on a simple skirt, but decided to go for it. After all, if it didn't fit with Vanderwood's plans, he would tell her. MC changed quickly and weaved her hair into a side braid, slipping a tendril out on each side to frame her face. Mirror-MC nodded in approval. Time to see what on earth her husband had been planning.

She cracked open the door and peeked through before skipping over to Vanderwood, who had made himself comfortable on the couch. His amber eyes widened in interest.

"You have no business looking this pretty for a baking date."

MC grinned. "Ha! I did get it out of you! A baking date sounds cute. What made you think of that? Are you just really getting into the whole house husband gig?"

"It was my agent training, actually." Seeing the puzzled look on his wife's face, Vanderwood continued, "There's a bit of a twist to it, you see. I will hardly be doing any of the actual baking. You, my dear, on the other hand, will be completely blindfolded. You will have to follow my instructions explicitly, or else the result will be completely inedible."

"I still fail to see how the setup doesn't sound like 'that kind of date', but it sounds like fun! What does this have to do with your agent training, though?"

"Various exercises used similar techniques. Many times in the field, we had to follow orders to the letter with no questions asked if we wanted to make it out in one piece. We also did training to be able to operate blindly or in the dark if our vision was compromised. But none of it was as enjoyable as watching a beautiful woman bake a cake by pure trust."

"You're such a flatterer. Keep it coming," MC smirked.

"At least get into the kitchen first," Vanderwood said, handing her a blindfold that looked suspiciously like his nap mask.

"Okay, but if you don't want me in the kitchen until I'm blindfolded, you're gonna have to get my apron yourself."

"I thought I was the one giving out orders tonight?"

"A girl's gotta get her kicks somewhere."

"Such a docile wife I have. Never difficult, never demanding."

"You think it's sexy. Don't even try to deny it."

"I would have filed for immediate divorce if the description 'docile' actually fit you." He stepped into the kitchen and emerged a moment later with the apron. MC slipped it on and, after ducking briefly into the bathroom to wash her hands, covered her eyes with the blindfold.

"I'm at your mercy now. Don't abuse that privilege."

He materialized behind her, winding his arms around her waist. "I wouldn't dream of it," he murmured into her ear before attacking her stomach. MC burst into uncontrollable giggles.

"I swear—!" she giggled "—I swear I'm going to punch the living daylights out of you!"

"You're certainly welcome to try. You know I wouldn't even feel it."

"But I could try. How am I supposed to trust you to give me decent directions to bake whatever the heck we're making if I can't even trust you not to tickle me?"

"You don't. That's the thrill of it."

"You'd better have me make something actually edible for all our trouble."

"That all depends on how well you follow my instructions."

"And how decent your instructions are. Let's not forget that tiny detail," she reminded.

"Hmm, we'll see," The smile was evident in his voice. "Now if we're going to start, we need to go ahead and do it."

"Probably."

He guided MC by her upper arms into the narrow kitchen.

"Fortunately," he said, halting and holding her in place, "we're only baking a cake and not an entire meal, so it won't take an eternity."

"I sure hope not! It's pizza night and I'm already a little hungry!"

He wound his hands around his wife's waist, lightly patting her stomach. "Well, the faster we start, the faster we can eat. I've already laid everything out for you as best I can, so you just have to follow my directions, all right, love?"

"Got it."

"All right, can you feel the worktop?" A nod. "Raise your right hand just a bit...and over…now grab the box with the cake mix, because heaven knows neither of us knows or cares enough to make it from scratch. Got it? Now open it up. The mixing bowl is straight to the left. Go ahead and pour it in."

"Just so you know, if I spill anything, you're the one taking responsibility."

"And why is that, darling?" Vanderwood asked, feigning shock.

"Because you're the one who had this idea in the first place! Not to mention if I make a mess it’s because of your faulty directions."

Unfortunately, MC failed to prove her point, pouring the mix into the bowl and barely spilling a few crumbs.

"Looks like we may not have to worry about that," Vanderwood smirked.

"You have met me, right? You know something's going to get spilled, right?"

Ignoring her, he moved the empty box toward the back and continued, "The milk should be right around where the cake mix was, if you can remember where you just were. The measuring jug is right next to it. Do you think you can pour it in correctly?"

"We'll see, now won't we?"

"There you go. Just try to take it slowly, just in case, and stop when I say so."

MC obeyed, gradually tilting the milk jug until a thin stream hit the center of the measuring cup.

"Brilliant! Now careful, careful, slightly to the left...that's it! Now slow down...almost done...stop!" He kissed her cheek. "That was amazing. Now pour it into the bowl."

MC felt around for the mixing bowl again. She managed to find it and poured in the milk. "Where's the cap for the milk jug?"

"Hm...where did it go? Oh, there it is. Right by the sink."

She batted at the air around her right side to find the inside of the sink. Instead, her hand bumped the side of the milk jug. Vanderwood's hand shot out to catch it, but a small puddle had already sloshed onto the counter. MC's hand shot up to take off the blindfold, but Vanderwood caught her wrist first. She sighed.

"Vandy, give it to me straight. How bad is it?"

"Not bad at all. I caught it before much got out. Stay put for a moment while I wipe it up so it doesn't start to smell or dry up."

"Not to say I told you, but I definitely told you."

Her husband stuck out his tongue at her—one of the few ways he had begun to let himself be childish lately. Then the obvious dawned on him. "I'm sticking out my tongue. I thought you ought to know that."

"Crucial information. Are you done yet?"

"Yep. You ready to get your hands a little dirty?"

"Isn't that expected in all this?"

"That's probably a large part of why you demanded an apron first, yes."

"You would be right about that, also yes. And you're so dramatic. I did not demand."

"Up to interpretation. Reach up to the left of the mixing bowl and just grab it off the plate and toss it in."

As instructed, MC reached over and let out a tiny shriek when her hand came into contact with the soft butter. Vanderwood guffawed.

"I was waiting for that."

MC gasped. "You did this on purpose!" She flung the butter into the bowl with an extra dash of vindictiveness.

"Maybe so. I like hearing your reactions," he purred.

"Don't try to be all smooth when you're being a twit. It doesn't suit you," MC sniffed, then muttered under her breath, "actually it totally works for you but it doesn't make me less ticked at you."

"By the way, don't bother trying to wash your hands just yet. The next part is probably going to be the messiest. I'll go get the bin so it'll be close by for you."

"Appreciated. What's the next part?"

"Eggs."

"Yikes, okay. That's why I needed the trash can, then. And where are the eggs?"

"To your left. You're going to need four of them. I read somewhere that adding an extra egg makes it better, hypothetically."

"You're the one giving the instructions."

"Alright, the bin is to your left, whenever you're ready."

"I could hear the thunk when you set it down, but thank you," MC said wryly.

"I live to serve."

There was silence for a moment as MC cracked the first egg into the bowl, and a soft smile rose on her face like the dawn. "Not anymore, you don't. I thank God every day that you and Saeyoung were able to free yourselves from the agency. I never could have forgotten you even if you hadn't, but I never would have known the immense joy I've gotten to have by being your wife." She sniffed, then laughed. "Sorry for being so sentimental all of a sudden, I don't know what got into me. It's just that knowing how many things could have gotten between us makes me that much more grateful for what we have."

"Ah!" Vanderwood shot a hand out to correct the second egg's trajectory into the mixing bowl.

"Oops, thank you."

"No problem, love. We're a team." He settled against her back, rubbing her arms lightly and placing a tender kiss on her cheek. "And never feel sorry for your so-called sentimentality. In fact, I really think you hold back sometimes. You shouldn't. I know that I used to scoff at these things, but locking out your emotions for job after job really takes a toll on a man. The agency had no room for love of any sort, and I've long come to the realization that every person is hardwired to desire love of one kind or another. I know I'm still unlearning all of my coping mechanisms, and I know I'm still sharp with some people, but with you?" He smoothed a hair back from her face. "I'll take whatever love you can give me."

She cracked the third egg into the bowl and threw out the shell. "I always knew you could be a softie, very deep down. I'm just glad that I get to be the one to see it."

After the fourth egg was in the bowl, Vanderwood directed, "Okay, time to wash up. The next thing is mixing for two minutes. While I love you, I do not trust you to use an electric mixer while blindfolded, so you're going to use a whisk for that job."

"I suppose that's fair. Can you put away the trash can while I wash my hands?"

"Already on it."

"Where's the whisk, again?"

"I kind of put it toward the back, so either be careful or wait for me to move a few things."

"Oh, I've got it. Don't worry," MC waved a hand in dismissal and groped around for the whisk, but her arm was a bit too low, and she dipped her clothed elbow in the plate where the butter had been. She sighed. "What did I just decorate my elbow with?"

"Butter. Try it. It might be tasty," he teased.

"Come on, Vandy, this is not the time. Help me get it off before it soaks in too much."

"Alright, alright, I just had to pick on you a little bit for not listening to me." He carefully scooped off the top layer of the butter with a paper towel before trying to absorb the rest. "I'm going to roll up your sleeves a bit more so that this hopefully won't happen again."

"Well, not until I slosh half the cake out of this bowl trying and failing to mix it."

"You'll be fine. Just stick to mixing the center and bringing the outside of it toward the center so everything gets mixed. But mix it well and mix it fast. The timer starts...now!"

MC held the bowl against her stomach to steady it while she mixed the batter vigorously. "Easy for you to say. You're not the one trying to mix furiously while keeping it all in the bowl on top of being blindfolded!"

"Calm down, you're doing great. A couple drips, maybe, but it's staying in."

"So far, anyway. But that's good, I guess."

"No guessing. It's quite good." Vanderwood leaned against the counter. "We've got a minute and a half to kill. Should I spend it telling you how you look right now?"

"Oh gosh, do I even want to know?"

He shook his head in near disbelief, smiling. "Magnetic. Adorable. More delicious than the cake we're making."

MC cackled. "You cannot be serious. I've got to be a mess right now."

"You act as if that's a contradiction. It's the mess that makes you more beautiful. Is every single hair of yours in place? No. But they fall around your face in the most delicately beautiful way. Even the places where the ingredients got smudged on you somehow add to your charm." He leaned in so that his lips touched her ear, his voice lowering to a gravelly timbre. "Did you know that your cheeks are all rosy from the effort you're putting into stirring? It's unbelievably attractive. And the way your lips press together when you're concentrating? It makes me want to kiss them apart. In fact—"

"Vanderwood, how much time is left?" MC interrupted, suppressing a vivid blush and a shiver.

"Our entire lives," he said, happily ignoring the real question.

"The timer, Vanderwood. How much is left on the timer?"

The sound of the timer going off answered the question for him. "None," he grinned. "I'll go spray the cake pan while you rest for a moment. You've earned it."

She exhaled, set the mixing bowl aside, and stretched. Then a thought made her panic. "Vandy, we forgot to preheat the oven."

He held her face in his hands. "MC. Darling. Breathe. I set the oven when I grabbed the apron."

Her breathing gradually slowed. "Sorry, love. I'm just really hungry and kind of tired and I think not being able to see is doing weird things to my brain and you kind of flustered me a minute ago with what you were saying and I'm sorry, I—" her voice cracked, but Vanderwood cut her off and held her close.

"Hey...hey...you're alright. There's nothing to be sorry about. I kept you going after a long day of work without feeding you first. I should have known better." He smoothed her hair and tucked it into her braid. "I'll tell you what. How about we get this cake in the oven and then order some pizza and watch another episode of Cucumber Fish?"

MC sniffled and hummed in agreement. Vanderwood loosened his hold around her and gently brought her hands to the bowl again before grabbing the cake pan. "Okay, all you've got to do now is pour it into the pan that I've put just to the left of the bowl. Just take it nice and easy. There you go. Perfect. You're almost done. Now let me get a spatula to scoop the last of it out." After he finished, he slid the cake pan into the oven and started the timer. "There. All done." He slipped the mask off her eyes and gave her a peck on the lips as she blinked to adjust to the light. "I'll clean all this up, alright? Go ahead and relax on the sofa. You can order the pizza and get Cucumber Fish queued up while I finish up in here."

"Okay," she murmured. Another peck, and she curled up on the couch. She pulled out her phone to order the pizza and smiled at the notifications she'd gotten from the RFA chatroom. They were up to their normal antics again. Hopefully, Saeyoung wouldn't exasperate Saeran too much with his crazy propositions. But there was nothing she could do about that, and she was starving and in desperate need of pizza. Once it was ordered, she turned on the TV and selected the episode, making sure to let it run past the ads before pausing it.

After Vanderwood joined her on the couch, the next forty-five minutes was filled with lots of cuddling and pizza devouring, more kissing than watching the show, a few glances at the cake's progress, an agreement to actually watch the episode while they ate the cake, and several minutes of cooling time after the cake was removed from the oven. Vanderwood emerged from the kitchen after a few minutes of setting up to decorate.

"Are you sure you want to put on the mask again?" he asked. "I don't want it to mess with your head like it did last time."

"I'll be fine, babe. I'm pretty sure it was like that last time just because I was starving."

"Are you positive?"

"Yes."

"If you say so. Go ahead and get them on, then," he said, handing MC the apron and mask.

"Just make sure to lead me into the kitchen again."

"Hmm, we'll see."

"We'll see?" she repeated, but shrieked soon after when she no longer felt the ground beneath her feet. Vanderwood had scooped her up to carry her into the kitchen bridal-style and sank his lips against hers with intentionality. He bumped into the counter but managed to avoid any damage to his wife. He deposited one last kiss on her lips before setting her down.

"What have you done to me, woman? Years and years of agent skills, undone in a moment. If it were anything or anyone else, I never would have bumped into that worktop. But when it's you kissing me, you're the only thing that exists." He grinned. "It's a shame, really. I thought my dexterity was an impressive skill, but I don't even have that anymore, it seems."

"Shame indeed," MC parroted, trying to steal another kiss from his lips and stealing one from his nostrils instead. She made a face, causing Vanderwood to laugh.

"Well, at least I still have the ability to order you around." MC smacked him in response, and he continued, "Alright, alright, let's get to it then. This is where it'll get really interesting, since decorating requires more precision. Which, no offense, is a skill you don't have, since you're not exactly used to being blind."

"Now wait just a—okay, I can't argue that," MC sighed. He placed a spatula in one hand and a jar of frosting in her other.

"Turn around. Can you find where the cake is?"

"Ye—wait, Vandy! I thought you said you cleaned up!"

"I did…sort of." Before she could protest, he interjected, "I wiped the worktop! I just pushed all the dishes to one side so we could put all of it in the dishwasher at once when we were done!" He added with a mumble, "I just wanted to get back to you."

"You think you can charm your way out of anything," MC responded airily. "Well, you're right." She squared up as best she could with a frosting jar in hand. "I found the cake. I'll try to do my best."

"Well, in this part, I won't let you go completely solo. I can rotate the cake for you as you go, if you want."

"Please."

MC scooped a large helping of frosting from the jar and started spreading around the perimeter. Her spatula made a slight detour for a moment to donate some frosting to the top of the cake, and Vanderwood halted and reversed his rotation slightly to avoid confusion. A few seconds later, she went for another, slightly smaller, scoop to finish frosting the circumference of the cake. Another scoop, added to the deposit from the first, finished off the top.

"Is there a big corner around the top edge? Or any dry spots?" she asked.

"Just a slight corner. Grab a little bit more frosting to round it off a bit and thicken the top."

She did as directed while he helped rotate, and stepped back. "Better?"

"Much better. Maybe we can add a little artistic touch by making some...what do you call them? Swoops? Around the sides from the top?"

"Sounds great. You're definitely going to have to help me, though."

"Alright, I'll rotate again and stop you when you're done. Then you can smooth off the top edge again quick."

Six slightly lopsided arcs later, he stepped back for a moment, observing. "This is certainly not the prettiest cake I've seen, but it all adds to the fun, yeah?"

"I guess," she laughed.

"Now here's the part that'll really get a laugh when you take off the blindfold. I've got a bowl over here with some frosting for smaller decorating, and you get to pick the food coloring that goes in it."

"Oh no."

"Oh yes," he snickered while guiding her over to a trio of colored bottles that she couldn't discern. "Take your pick," he said cheerily. MC gingerly selected one, and he suppressed a snort poorly. "Excellent choice!"

MC groaned. "I'm going to regret all my life choices, aren't I?"

"Of course not! Only your decision to marry me."

"Hey." She squeezed his wrist. "I could never regret that."

"You might reevaluate that statement when you take off the blindfold and see the cake. Or at least my ugly mug."

"Vanderwood. Don't you even start with me. You're so hot that if we were working with chocolate instead of a cake, we wouldn't need the microwave to melt it."

"You're so hot that the beach would need sunblock instead of you."

"You're so hot that the sun goes to you when it needs to warm up."

They collapsed against each other, gasping for air. Vanderwood caught his breath first. "Let's get this food coloring in the bowl, shall we? The spoon and frosting are already in it. All you have to do is put a few drops in and stir until I say so. The bowl's on your left."

"As you wish," she said as she did so.

After a few moments, he spoke. "That's enough. Let me get you back over to the cake, and I'll get the frosting in the decorating bag. Which is really just an ordinary plastic bag, but I did pick up some cheap decorating tips when I got the ingredients."

"Splendid. How am I going to decorate, though? Even if I could see, I don't know the first thing about cake decorating. Oh yeah, and I can't see."

"Don't get your 'panties in a bunch,' as you like to tell me so often. I'll do it with you this time."

"But you don't know how to decorate cakes, either!"

"Ah-ah-ah!” he chided. “Do you trust me or not?"

"Not particularly."

"Hey!"

"But! We should just go ahead and do it anyway, because even though neither of us knows what we're doing, we're the only ones in this apartment who can. And the frosting smells too good not to eat soon."

"That's my girl." Vanderwood curled around her. He molded one hand around hers and slid the other over her stomach. As they formed a few swirls on the top, he murmured, "We did this whole thing together. How impressive is that? Was it as fun for you as it was for me?"

MC smiled. "Of course it was. I know I got a little hangry for a bit there, but I know how much thought you put into this. None of my old deadbeat ex-boyfriends ever would have cared so much, let alone shown it. These are the things that make me love you that much more."

"I never experienced any permanent love until you showed it to me. And it's been so...world-altering—that I've been trying to wrap my head around it ever since. I still can't. But I swear I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to give you the same love you've given me. I certainly don't deserve it, after the things I've done. But you do. You deserve all the happiness a person can have."

MC paused and blushed slightly. "Vandy…" She exhaled. "We've gone over this whole 'not deserving it' thing. Whether you deserve it or not doesn't matter. To me, what matters is your heart. You have such a beautiful heart, Vandy. I love the kind of man you've become. I've seen you strive every day to be better than you were the day before, and that is so inspiring."

"Well, whether or not I deserve happiness, I would choose to be happy every day if my being happy made you happy." He squeezed her hip affectionately and pulled her in for a tender kiss.

"It would." She kissed him back. They added one last swirl and a border before they set down the bag of frosting. He uncurled her fingers and fiddled with her wedding ring.

"Are you ready to see it?"

"Sure."

He slipped off the blindfold, and she gasped.

"What have we done?" she exclaimed as her laughing grew louder by the second.

"Whatever do you mean, dear?" Vanderwood asked, feigning ignorance.

"The cake is bright flaming orange, Vandy!" She let out a snort, then covered her face. "Hey, wait! All the food coloring was the same color too, you little twit!"

He shrugged innocently. MC sputtered. "Nuh-uh. Don't you shrug at me, mister. Saeyoung has rubbed off on you way too much."

"Has not."

She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, maybe the tiniest bit."

"Uh huh, that's what I thought. Now are you as ready as I am to eat this cake and watch Cucumber Fish?"

"Let me take a picture first. And another one with you in it? You look so lovely, I can't not have one with you in it."

She tried desperately to keep a frown on her face as he snapped a picture but couldn't quite hold back the quirk at the corner of her mouth. He cut a slice for each of them and handed one to her. He curled the paper plate around his slice, and she did likewise. They looked each other in the eyes, both knowing exactly what would come next. Vanderwood solidified his stance. "Ready...steady...GO!" The couple raced to the living room and took a running jump onto the couch, ready for the wonderful night ahead.

[sinfulbrothers]

You got the letter I sent you a few weeks back.

I have to admit I didn't expect you wouldn't receive it, I had a demon drop it off to wherever the hell you were staying at.

I imagine it's a crappy motel with shitty TV stations, ones we used to stay at all the time when we were kids.

Remember when dad would get angry every-time he came back to the motel room and see we were up sleeping? Remember that?

He'll he'd probably still yell at us for being such fuck ups.

You can ignore my texts and calls as much as you want Dean.

But we both know you have to come home sometime.

I'm getting tired of this cat and mouse routine.

I hunt you down, you run off to god knows where and then I'm stuck trying to find you again.

But I have a feeling I won't be the cat for long.

-Sammy W.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"Three more calls and four texts, he still hasn't picked up," The youngest winchester glanced over at the male across the table. Castiel sat there hands resting on the table looking over pictures from different traffic lights, cameras and whatever else he could find. "The son of a bitch thinks this is some sort of game. Anything, Cas?" He raised an eyebrow at the used to be Angel.

The male shook his head, "It is just the same old stuff, Sam. No clue of where Dean would be hiding out. The only person that knows where Dean is hiding would be Crowley. And he and I aren't on the best of terms.." He made quotations around the word 'terms' and 'best'. He still really wasn't the best at English. "Maybe we should wait until there is a police report on a Chevy Impala. On baby."

Sam shifted in his seat frowning, "Dean is smart enough to not get caught doing something illegal in baby. If there was a police report it would be at some bar or store. Like the gas station that was robbed." He slid his laptop over to the male, "Check out some things while I go on a run. There isn't much you need to know about computers." He smiled softly sliding his phone into his pocket, heading out to his '65 mustang, light blue. A beautiful car. He jumped in and he was off to the nearest store.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

A familiar '65 mustang pulled into the Save-A-Lot parking lot, he couldn't help but smirk. Seeing his big bulky dork of a brother climb out of the drivers seat. It was a wonder how he fit his big moose ass in there. The car was shorter than Sam was tall. He snorted sitting back in the drivers seat of the impala, hands on the steering wheel. "Here Sammy Sammy Sammy." He whispered whistling, pushing the drivers seat door open he climbed out. Cracking his knuckles following up behind his brother. Wrapping an arm around Sam's neck yanking him to the ground with inhuman strength.

"De--" Was all the young winchester got out before the lights went out for him. Dean lugged the tall male over to the impala, throwing him in the back seat among the other beer bottles and trash.

——————————————-

"Wakey, wakey, Sammy."

"You wanted your big bro back, well you got 'em."

"Sam."

"Sammy."

"SAMANTHA."

Sam's eyes shot open, his ears ringing, what the hell? A frown plastered on his lips as he tried to sit up, a force was holding him down. He heard it again, "Sammy." That was Dean's voice, what the hell was going on? Wasn't he supposed to be at the shopping center? "Aww look Sammy is confused again. How cute. Let's cut to the chase," The eldest winchester spoke up, his voice rough like a rocky road. He came walking out of the corner of the motel room swinging a baseball bat. Twirling it and throwing it in the air, only to catch it again. "You," He pointed the bat at Sam, poking his nose with it lightly. Sam pushed it away giving his demon brother a face.

"Need to stop looking for you. Yeah I caught the jiff." Sam stood up brushing his brown hair back out of his face.

Crack.

Dean swung the bat, smacking Sam right in the shin. For a second Dean swore the bat had snapped, then he realized it was Sam's shin.  "Sit down." He growled at his younger sibling. Sam obeyed. "Obey like the good dog you are. Isn't that right, Sammy?" He chuckled, gripping the baseball bat tight. "You either stop looking for me or I'll put you down right where you stand, got that? I won't hesitate to tear your pretty little head off with my teeth. Bet it'll taste real good. Have some actual freedom from all this hell around ya, Sammy." He winked at his brother.

"But Dea--"

Crack.

"Fuck! Stop hitting me with the damn bat!" Sam cursed loudly attempting to take the thing from Dean, it was a lousy attempt but at least he tried to do something. "I'll fucking stop looking for you. Just tell me one thing...why are you doing this? These crimes? The killings."

"The killings? Those are all angels. All 14 of 'em. Of course we aren't counting the humans, right?" Sam didn't even recognize his brother behind that wolffish grin. His gaze dropped to the floor shuddering in major discomfort. "Crowley sent a few demons to try to take me out. Not even the king can contain this beast."  Sam opened his mouth to speak, "Ahh except..you have a body behind your little adventure. The man you made sell his soul so you could find me. Naughty naughty sammy. Put him through that and he still gets killed, just sooner. Oh by the way...tell angel wings I said hi."

Dean swung the bat hard.

"Fucking Hell that's gonna leave a nice bruise."

———————————-

He awoke to a dog sniffing at his jeans and clawing at his jacket, attempting to locate anything edible on him. Or maybe it was getting ready to eat his face off. It didn't need to happen either way. Sam shoved the creature to the side earning a Yelp/Whimper from the creature as it bolted down the alleyway and out into the streets. An on coming car stated, 'Stupid animals! Should all be killed!' Speeding by the creature. People had no respect for these animals, or much of anything in that matter. He pushed up sitting up against the wall, yanking his phone out of his pocket, "Cas? Yea. I need a ride back to the bunker. Think I'm by the barber shop and the tattoo parlor east of the grocery store. Yep..it was Dean. No he didn't say anything about you. He did break my shin. Just..get here as soon as you can." He sighed shutting the phone tossing it across the alley way.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••>

"They have towed your car away," Was the first thing the used-to-be-Angel said to the male, helping him up to the car. "You will have to get it another time we need to get back to the bunker. There is something you need to see. It's important." Cas walked around the other side of the car jumping in the drivers seat, starting up the piece of crap he began driving off in the direction of home. But it wasn't home for Sam. Not without his brother. His brother was his home and would always be.

"So what's this thing and why is it so important?" He raised an eyebrow staring Castiel down.

The Angel sighed gripping the wheel loosely as he leaned back getting comfortable, "It's Dean. He was by the bunker while you were out. This was after I was told to look up things on the inter webs. The bunker door flew open and before I knew it I was on the floor. He took something from your room but I cannot figure out what." He sighed heavily, frowning immensely, "I was thinking it was some books...or maybe the tracker you had put on him.."

"The only thing in my room was papers and books, he would've had to taken some books. If not then..pictures? That wouldn't make any sense." He shook his head staring out the window, wincing. "We'll figure it out later. Right now I need to get my leg fixed up. Can't do anything on a broken bone."

"Alright. I will get the supplies while you stay put." Cas climbed out helping Sam down into the bunker, making sure he stayed sitting down before wandering off to gather some supplies.

Sam fiddled with the loose pieces of paper on the table, sliding them over the edge watching them float down to the floor. Something he would do as a kid, watch paper float down to the floor. It didn't sound fun and it wasn't. Sam chuckled remembering when Dean got angry when Sam would cover the motel room in paper. The crinkling noise always annoyed the shit out of Dean. He slid another paper across the wooden surface, catching it right before it fell.

'I sure enjoy your love letters, Sam. But has anyone told you you're not my type? Tall and lengthy isn't my thing. By the time you read this I'm sure I already broke one of your legs. Told you to leave me alone and then you're back here planning something again. As usual. For every time I catch glimpse of you I'll kill someone. Child, adult, elderly. I'll kill them. This is a warning. One slip up and someone is going ten feet under. Oh..I left a bit of a surprise under your pillow. Hope you enjoy it. It seems you need a girlfriend if you catch my drift little brother.'

He really didn't even want to know what Dean had left him under his pillow, probably some sex toy. He shuddered quickly shoving the paper into his pocket. "Find everything okay?" When Castiel nodded he smiled softly, sliding his pants leg up, hoisting his injured leg up onto the table. "I was thinking, maybe we can take a break for a bit. Let Dean cool off before we try to find him again. He seemed pretty pissed off. Sure the mark is the cause of that but Dean sort of always has his panties in a bunch."

The Angel simply nodded, "Okay." After that the room remained silent.

—————————————————

He had the right plan, all he needed was for Sam to take the bait. Hell he wished he would've stuck with killing people, been more fun and the police would've been involved. Sure they were a pain in the ass but still. He found it funny as hell to watch Sam struggle to get around the cops when they got suspicious of him asking "too" many questions. Whatever the hell that meant.

Dean brushed a hand through his ever so growing hair, sitting back in the bar stool. Sam had just found the the toy his older brother had left him. "Get a girlfriend," Dean scowled taking a long gulp of beer, spinning in his chair and sliding off. He pushed by a few customers walking out, climbing into his "baby" he drove off.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••>

Fool me once

Shame on you

Fool me twice

You're probably dead

He was correct about Sam, the man really was trying to locate him again like the crazed idiot he was. Damn. Dean threw the impala door open walking over to his brother gripping his shoulder tight, a faint crack starting. "Whatcha doing Sammy? Looking for me again? Did you not get my letter? Man I know I'm not good with the whole pen pals thing.." He sighed heavily cracking Sam upside the head, sending him stumbling into the side of the tow truck building. Sam felt a hand wrap around his throat, then black eyes meeting his. "You won't stop until I'm back, guessing that means I have to kill ya."

Sam's vision darkened as the grip on his throat tightened, then everything went black.

[moonschild09]

BTS Reaction: Putting it in the wrong hole (Ouch 😬)

(Credit to the person for producing the hilarious idea to me went on a bit longer than I expected but oh well. Can’t complain about quality in writing am I right?)

Jin:

You and Jin were finally having some time alone, all the boys were gone. There was no schedule or anything to follow for the week. Jin and you were acting in the heat of the moment, shameless sex in the living room. You were on all fours facing away from Jin.

"You ready to take my cock princess?" he smirked stroking his shaft slowly while rubbing his thumb along your pussy lips coating you completely to just ram into you raw. "Fuck Jin hurry up, baby I can't take this any longer." you whined.

"OW WHAT THE FUCK!" you screamed immediately feeling a slightly stinging pain from your ass, you jolted quickly jumping off the sofa. “SEOKJIN!!” you pouted grabbing your robe to cover up.

"Fuck baby I'm so sorry! I just closed my eyes and went in!" Jin exclaimed the horrible mistake he just made. "INTO MY ASS!?" you yelled. "It hurt Jin!" you sat hugging a pillow to your stomach. "Hey, in that case, we can finally try anal." he laughed embarrassed and rubbing the back of his neck.

Suga:

You and Yoongi were both sleeping. That is until you moved a tad bit, your back was already facing him to start. Now your ass which the only coverage provided was a simple thong. It was nearing daylight and Yoongi was already turning hard. He hissed from the contact and grabbed your waist. "You are in so much trouble kitten, take that thong off now." He grumbled softly, his voice raspy and deep. His voice was always sexy to you, but this was the icing on the cake.

Immediately you followed orders and tossed your thong to the floor. Yoongi was already in position arm wrapped around you pulling you close. "Get ready for this dick babydoll." you could feel the smirk pulling across his lips as he skillfully rubbed your clit in circles. He groaned out happy with hearing the wet squelching sounds of your arousal coating your pussy. Yoongi had now aligned himself as he lifted your hips upwards, and slowly pushing inside. "Huh, this feels different." he huffed softly against your ear, only half awake. Pushing himself further inside.

You felt a trigger of pain as what you would think a 'force of entry' looks like in the bedroom. "MIN YOONGI! THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!" you squealed loudly pushing away from him. "Shit sorry baby.. maybe we should do anal since I was almost in 'Uranus' technically." he sat up adjusting himself.

"That is so not fucking funny" you sighed and playfully punched him for his failed attempt to one, fuck you, and two, make a pun.

Namjoon:

Namjoon had invited you to 'shower' with him, this just means its time for sex. Alone and without any of the boys around to pop in or interrupt the mood. Your back was against the wall as he practically finger fucked you, three fingers delved into your wet dripping cunt. "Fuck daddy that's enough. I want you now." you groaned softly as he stopped and began biting and sucking on your neck like a vampire starving for blood.

"I thought you wanted to go slow angel, but since your being straightforward with me. I'll give you what you want." he chuckled darkly turning you and pinning you against the wall. Both of your bodies were covered in soap and body wash. "Fuck Namjoon, please put it in" you mewled. He was being a tease rubbing your clit in circles with his thumb. "Okay fine, stop begging angel." he chuckled and closed his eyes.

Namjoon thought he was rightly aligned with your wet swollen pussy. Turns out his sense of direction was just as worse as his ways of destruction. He pushed himself inside. "Why is it so tight babe, damn. Has it been that long?" he sighed. "Namjoon!! that's my ass you idiot!" you cried out in pain as he quickly pulled away from you. "God damn it, I almost destroyed my wifey" he laughed and leaned against the wall. "I would have died if you got that huge thing inside completely." you hissed. "Sorry babe" he pouted as he rested his head on your boobs.

Hoseok:

"Fu-Fuck, baby." you moaned softly as Hoseok was skillfully fingering you and eating you out like a starved beast. "Mmm." he hummed lips pressed tightly around your clit causing you to squeal out and pull his hair. "Hoseok!" you panted as you came, him collecting your cum and arousal with his newly freed fingers and coated you completely making sure you were wet enough to take his large shaft.

"You ready for me princess?" he smirked stripping himself free of his restraints. A white t-shirt, and hunter green shorts. Hoseok immediately climbed back on the bed. His member now rock hard. "Fuck y/n I love you" he smiled kissing you deeply. You giggled and kissed him back, grabbing a hold of his member and pumping it quickly gently squeezing some pre-cum out to coat him entirely.

Once the heated make-out session was over he immediately expected his cock to be aligned with your swollen cunt, sadly Hoseok was mistaken. He quickly plunged himself raw into you. "FUCK OWW!!" you yelled at the top of your lungs kicking him off of you. "Shit baby! What's that about!" he yelled back panicking. "You almost went fully in my ass!" you hissed. "Hey, not my fault!. It wants what it wants!" he joked gesturing to his member. "You are officially a fool." you shook your head and started getting dressed.

Taehyung:

You had to bring your amazing boyfriend home from an extravagant yet raunchy party, both of you dressed to impress. Taehyung smacked your ass watching your curvy yet tiny frame in your tight black cocktail dress. You both walked from the elevator to your shared apartment. He was half-assed drunk and at this moment down to fuck. "I wAnna BuRRy tHIS bIG CoCK inSIde yOUU" You sighed and laughed at him because he was being so cheeky and frank about it. "Okay cheeky bastard." you giggled opening the apartment door and gently pulling him inside to sit him on the sofa. Once you turned around to place both your heels and his dress shoes onto the rack by the front door, Taehyung began his usual drunk stripping, throwing his clothes around. You turned back surprised and happy he handled stripping down on his own.

"Whoa okay Taehung, babe. Please calm down." you squealed as he pulled you and pushed you down on the sofa ripping your favorite yet extremely expensive Versace dress he surprised you with a few birthdays ago. "Tae!" you yelled as he attacked your neck and began rubbing your clit with his thumb. "Y-Yah stop!" you moaned.

He was definitely working at a faster pace than you were, he made you wet. However not wet enough. Tae kneeled before you aligning himself with what his drunk mind had thought was your cunt. Quickly pushing himself into whatever was able to accept his massive 'Jungle' cock as he had called it so many times during sex. "OW KIM TAEHYUNG!!" you groaned out in pain thumping him on his forehead. "Oww! Y/n what the fuck!" he growled softly snapping out of his drunken notions. "THAT'S MY ASSHOLE YOU ASSHOLE!! AND FOR MY DRESS!" you huffed sitting up on the sofa.

Jimin:

Jimin and you were both prepared for what you both deemed as date/sex night. Due to no one being home to rudely interrupt your fun. Jimin figured since it's every so often you both are able to do your dirty work, why not make every time all the more interesting. He and you would take turns introducing new sexual positions, toys, lubricants, etc. and this night it was his turn to bring his new idea to the table.

"Okay kitten, you ready?" Jimin smiled hiding the new 'addition' to tonight's fun. "Of course I'm ready baby.. whatcha got for me now?" you giggle watching him as he pulled out a squeezy bottle. "I found edible strawberry Lube." he blushed and chuckled "I figured we could use it." he smiled kissing you deeply already working you out of your clothes as you did his.

The both of you fully naked and all lubed up, Jimin was rubbing your clit in circles and fingering you with 3 digits. "Wow this stuff smells good, why don't you taste it, baby?" Jimin smirked holding his fingers up to you, all covered up in lube and your juices you gladly took his 3 fingers in your mouth. "Mmm." you hummed.

"Ass up baby." he smiled smacking your ass roughly and sitting up on his knees as you did what you were told. Aligning himself with you. Jimin's hands completely covered in the flavored lubricant guiding himself until he fucked up. Pushing himself into the wrong place. "Ow Oww Owww!" you screeched moving away as quickly as possible once you felt the slightly painful stretch. "Oh shit!, I'm so sorry my love!" he pouted hugging you. "It was the lube." he pouted as his idea had failed him this time tonight.

Jungkook:

You and Jungkook were spending some quality time together at the dance studio, he was helping you practice for your college showcase in a few weeks. He and Hoseok planning the choreo for you and then having Jung teach you when you two had time alone. Except something else was a little more important. Lights off, the blinds on the door pulled down and locked down tight.

You both were extremely immersed in a fully heated make-out session sitting on the floor. Slowly stripping one another of your sweatpants, shirts, and sneakers. Jungkook delving himself into your dripping needy pussy that was aching for his tongue and his touch. His hand caressing one of your boobs while the other held you down from moving at any rate from him eating you out. "Kook, please I need more" you writhed a tad under his hands. "Mmm." he looked up, lifting his head from between your thick welcoming thighs. "You want this cock baby?" he asked teasingly. "God yes, I want your cock inside me Jung." you whined in between breaths. "Okay, fine by me baby girl." he chuckled pulling u toward him slender waist between your legs, abs covered in sweat.

There he went, ready to plunge his hard pulsating cock into your warm wet pussy. He swore he was perfectly aligned thanks to his hardness, but he couldn't ever be so wrong. He pushed himself inside, the head of his cock a perfect shade of pink, swollen enough to open you up. Until he went straight for it.

"OH, MY GOD!! JUNGKOOK OW!" you screamed immediately once you felt a stinging/burning sensation from the stretch, scooting yourself to sit up. "What happened baby?!" he panicked. "That was my ass!" you pouted hugging your sweater over your exposed upper half. "Fuck me, I'm sorry baby does it hurt a lot?" he pouted pulling you into his arms.

_________________________________

Okay I truly think I had way too much fun writing this. I was laughing and typing at the same time 😂😂. Enjoy it though. Much love.

-Stephanie 🖤

[starry-cosmos]

[Event Translation] Sleepless Night at the Campeggio 「眠れぬ夜のカンペッジオ」Chapter 5

Thank you En for proofreading this chapter!

Chapter 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

[Splash!]

Murr: Phew!

Murr: Look look, I got something amazing! It's bigger than Chloe's face!

Heathcliff: I-Is that really a shell...? It seems to be hissing…

Nero: Isn't its mouth open?

Murr: Ahaha, I got bitten!

-

Shino, Lennox: .....

Rutile: .....

While Murr was picking up some mysterious shells, just a little away from the beach, Rutile, Lennox and Shino had gathered around to work on something.

Rutile was focused with a small tree branch in his hand, while Lennox and Shino quietly watched over him.

Rutile: ... Ah.

Lennox: Have you lit it?

Rutile: No, I broke the branch.

Shino: What now.

Akira: Uhm, what are you three doing...?

Shino: We're preparing a bonfire. When wizards make camp they use their magic to light fires up. But humans scrape wooden planks and branches together to make fire.

Lennox: Rutile wanted to try doing it like the humans, so he's now attempting that.

Akira: I see...! It's definitely something you'd do on a deserted island.

Rutile: Isn't it? I've been wanting to light up a fire survival-style for a really long time now!

Rutile: Alright! I'm going to try it again.

Following his enthusiasm, Rutile rolled up his sleeves and once more gripped onto the branch with his hands.

Rutile: .....

Shino, Lennox, Akira: ....

Rutile: ... Sigh. It's not easy after all.

Rutile: "Ortonik Setomaouge"

Shino, Lennox: Ah.

Akira: (He lit up the fire using his spell in the end...)

Bustling with the cheerful voices of the wizards, the beach seemed wide and free, with everyone mingling together with no obvious order, and with the freedom to do whatever.

It went a little differently than expected, but in the here and now, this may actually turn out to be a fun holiday.

-

Lennox: Master Sage. I think we should procure the foodstuff for dinner before the sun sets.

Akira: Good thinking. Shall we all get to our preparations before sunset?

Figaro: I'll set up our base in the time being. Mitile, want to help out?

Mitile: Sure, leave it to me!

Nero: Guess the rest of us will be in charge of the foodstuff while we leave the base to you two, then.

Murr: I'll be off to find the ingredient for the Dream-Eating Wheel!

Heathcliff: Huh? Murr?

Rutile: He's already off... I wonder if he will be okay by himself?

Shino: He’ll be fine. He's the most familiar with this island after all.

-

In our search for foodstuff, we went to the forest first.

Nero: Now, if we were to find anything edible on this island…

Shino: It'd be meat.

Nero: That's just something you want to eat.

Shino: I saw footprints of wild beasts and nests marks on our way here.

Shino: There are definitely some huge kills in this forest. I'm going to hunt them down.

Lennox: I'm trusting Shino on this. We'd need plenty of bait if we are hunting down prey this big.

Rutile: We might need to get some fish and fruits as well. How about borrowing the fishing rod that Mitile made earlier?

Lennox: Good idea. I'll be fishing with Rutile then.

Akira: Looking forward to all the fish!

Heathcliff: Take care, you two!

Rutile: I'm going to reel in a huge one, so look forward to it! We're off!

Shino: And we're not losing to them. Nero, let's hunt down a big one.

Nero: A'ight.

Heathcliff: I'm coming t-

Shino: You don't have to, Heath. You're only going to drag us down.

Heathcliff: ..... What are you trying to say?

Shino: Nero and I are fine hunting by ourselves. Go find some fruits with the sage.

Heathcliff: ..........

Alright.

Heathcliff: Let's go, Master Sage.

Akira: Ah.... Alright.

Nero: You two... Don't just start a fight in a place like this.

Shino: We weren't fighting.

Shino: I was just telling the truth about him holding us up. He isn't used to the sight and smell of blood, so killing live animals isn't for him.

Shino: When we went out hunting for the first time, Heath didn't manage to strike down the prey that was right in front of him the entire time.

Nero: He's a kind one, that's why.

Shino: Yeah. He's kind and smart and these are very admirable traits. Which is why it's alright if he can't hunt.

Shino: Because that's my job. Since he's not good at hunting, it's alright if I just bring back the head of the kill to him.

Nero: ........

Shino: Heath and I are different. I can do what only Heath can't do.

Shino: And that's it really, but he never gets it.

Nero: ... I see, alright.

Shino: Don't pat my head like that. I'm not a kid.

Nero: Haha. ...Hm?

Nero: (What was that just now...)

Nero: (Could it be...)

Shino, Nero: ...!

Shino: Did you hear that? The howl of a beast.

Nero: A beast... Huh.

Shino: It's coming from over there. Let's go.

Nero: Ah... Yeah.

Nero: (... Ugh, I'm definitely overthinking this...)

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Heathcliff: Oh! That tree…

After a while of walking around the forest, Heathcliff pointed upwards.

On looking, a tall tree with red items dangling off its branches came into view.

Heathcliff: I saw these in a guide before. They're found in a certain part of South Country.

Heathcliff: There are signs of birds having eaten into some of these, so I think us eating those should be fine.

Akira: Wow, so we did find some fruits! Let's pick the remaining uneaten ones for ourselves.

Akira: ...The fruits are quite high up, however. I guess we have to climb up and pick them.

Heathcliff: Ahaha. Master Sage, that won't be necessary. I'm a wizard after all.

Heathcliff: "Repsev Aivulp Sunos!"

As Heathcliff recited his spell, the fruits slowly fell into our hands like a gentle drizzle.

Akira: Wow... Thank you so much, Heathcliff. It smells sweet. Let me have a bite.

Fumbling for the fruits on my outer clothes, I enthusiastically bit into it in an unrefined manner. A refreshing sweetness then filled my mouth.

Akira: It's delicious...! It's cooling and crunchy, and reminds me of how it's like when you eat watermelon sherbet.

Akira: Heath, would you like to have a bite as well?

Heathcliff: Ah... Alright, I'll have one too…

Heathcliff awkwardly took the fruit and copied me from earlier, nervously biting into it.