#we’ve basically been at the same point since September

[candycandy00]

Waiting for Gege to just bring in Toji’s corpse and let it take a crack at Sukuna. Why not at this point?

[cyclogenesis]

life update, sry for absence, you will literally not believe the breadth and depth of fuckery I have been facing down these last few weeks including the last insane 24 hours

Cannot overstate how obscenely ridiculous things have gotten for me. I thought I felt Seasonal Affective Disorder looming at the turn of September to October but I think now it was just a sense of general foreboding. 

So I’m trying to truck along these last few weeks, sad as hell about my beloved cat, and then for the third time this year I have to find a new psychiatrist. I take Adderall for my ADHD, I have for six+ years, I see telehealth providers for monthly five minute appointments to be like yes I still need Adderall please send the prescription thanks. Walgreens causes a problem too fucking stupid to get into with psych #1 this year, I go out of my way to explicitly confirm this same problem won’t crop up with psych #2. No it’ll be fine he says. He was wrong, because he apparently didn’t know what he was talking about, and instead of looking into it for clarification he just said meaningless words to shut me up. 

The problem crops up again. We try three different pharmacies to try and get around it. Doesn’t work. I have to find a new psychiatrist. Again. Takes weeks. I finally find a place where god willing this dumb issue will not crop up again. I get an appointment for last Friday morning. Yay!!!! I decide to start seeing a new therapist too since one was on offer and I was feeling rough. (Last Thursday I said yes to the appointment. This is when I was already having a hard time.)

I see this new psych. He tells me that he’s going to hold the Adderall prescription hostage until I get an EKG and also a bunch of lab tests done. He watches me visibly wilt like a flower trapped in a bell jar. Fine. I go to Quest Diagnostics like he told me to. I get there at 10:30am and I’m #10 on the standby list. At 12:30pm I’m still #10 on the standby list and the nurse comes out and tells us all basically there’s no chance. I pay $6 for parking and leave having wasted two hours and six dollars. 

Fine. I make an appointment for Tuesday, the soonest I could get. (Great, that won’t already be a stressful day!) I find an urgent care place as suggested for the EKG. It’s a mile and a half away. I walk there. I wait an hour and forty minutes before a nurse comes to take my vitals. Because I didn’t expect to be waiting in the exam room for so long I’d taken my jacket off and then got too lazy to get back up and get it even though the AC had inexplicably kicked on. Because of this, and because anxiety makes my extremities go numb, my hands were so cold she had to take multiple pulse oximeter readings. “I’m a vampire,” I joked. “I’m actually dating a vampire,” the nurse said. She explained her boyfriend is Bela Lugosi’s grandson. Los Angeles: lmao. From outside as my eventual results are shared with the doctor I hear, “How is she awake??” 

I put my jacket back on as I wait for the doctor. I lie down. I stick my hands in my pockets. I try to think relaxing thoughts, going to my happy place: earlier this year, the beach at Cannes, walking ankle deep in the Mediterranean. I run through entire Sarah McLachlan songs in my head. By the time the doctor comes in for the EKG I’m feeling very chill. 

Too chill. The doctor has a ridiculously hard time getting a good reading. I’m lying there in an open front paper gown, topless, hooked up to this machine with wires coming off me like a desktop computer running Windows 96. She keeps having to move the little sticker things. We’ve been having a good time since she had to pull out the footrests and keep pulling. “I’m 5’11,” I told her. “I was always mad I didn’t hit six feet.”

“You should just lie,” she said, “How would they know?” I love her. Going forward I will lie. Doctor’s orders! 

I joke that given my previous case of corpse fingers with the pulse oximeter that I’m just a ghost and that’s the issue. She points out that it’s the Day of the Dead. I tell her I tried to haunt my family but their shrines sucked and nobody did the cool skull makeup so I decided to come fuck with some doctors. She laughs. I laugh. We continue to joke around. I love it. All I ever want to do is make people laugh. 

On the third try she finally gets a decent EKG reading though she’s iffy that she may need to do a fourth. Nope, this one is fine. I get to leave. I arrange to have the results faxed to my new psych. “Wait, is my heart okay? Haha,” I say to the receptionist. She passes me a copy of the results and tells me to talk to my doctor. 

It’s all fun and games until I’m walking out at 7:10pm on a Friday night into the cold dark evening with a 1.5 mile walk in front of me and abnormal EKG results that say “possible left atrial enlargement” and “abnormal right axis deviation” and “incomplete right bundle branch block” and “consistent with pulmonary disease”.

Oh. Um. Well. Okay. 

Googling all this leads to results that are scary and not in the “I googled my hangnail and WebMD says I have fingernail cancer” way, more in the there’s actually only so many things all of this together can mean and also the words “consistent with pulmonary disease” are in fact right there in black ink sort of way. Lots of stuff about the very increased likelihood of heart attacks. You hate to see that!!!!

In retrospect maybe it has been weird that I’ve been so aware of my heartbeat all the time lately. Maybe it hasn’t just been caffeine and stress. Well, I’ll call my GP first thing Monday and beg for an appointment ASAP, obviously. In the meantime I’ll try not to freak out. I’ll try to avoid additional stress. 

But, you know, I’ve been meaning to call my grandmother anyway. I still haven’t told her about Klaus. Our relationship has been shaky these last few years since I became estranged from my parents in 2021 after they went QAnon and decided that believing Facebook memes was more important than their relationship with their only child (me!!) and she got mad at me for standing up to them ever. Also she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in July so that’s been rough. But I figure she should be in the loop. 

I get ahold of her last night. I tell her there’s stuff going on with me, but she should tell me what’s up with her first. I await news of who triumphed in this week’s game of Yahtzee with her cousin and whether or not the Warriors or whatever sports team she’s keeping up with right now are winning. 

“Well, I wasn’t going to tell you because I know you don’t really care what’s going on with them, but your mom’s moved in with me because your parents are getting a divorce,” she says. 

First I explain, again, as she knows, because she was there, that they are the ones that rejected me. I remind her that my mom got in touch last Thanksgiving saying she missed me and wanted to see me and that I said I felt the same, we just needed to have a serious talk first. I remind her that my mom completely fucking ghosted me after that and has not tried to get in touch since. Even unfriended me on Facebook. Been almost a year now. My parents’ entire relationship with me is less important than their unwillingness to have even one single solitary fucking grown-up conversation. This is a fact. 

And then I’m like, also what???????????????

So apparently my dad (stepdad actually, but he married my mom when I was seven and he’s the only person I’ve ever called Dad) told my mom they should move back to the Central Valley. He said they should sell their house in Sacramento and she should quit her job up there and try to find a new one in Fresno. They sell their house and use the extra to pay off debts, because they are morons who have always lived paycheck to paycheck no matter how big or small those paychecks are. 

Mom asks Grammy if she can move in with her in Fresno while she looks for a new job. Grammy says no. Mom moves in her friend Diane, who was widowed after her idiot MAGA antivaxxer husband got Covid (which he didn’t believe in) and ended up getting an entire lung transplant and then dying anyway. Mom gets a job in Fresno but she doesn’t like it so she quits. 

My stepdad meanwhile has a one bedroom apartment in Sacramento and is still working at his job up there. He puts a bunch of their stuff in storage in Fresno in anticipation of the move. My mom goes up to visit and they celebrate their 34th wedding anniversary. Everything’s fine. 

A week later he calls and says he’s divorcing her. She can keep all the stuff that’s in storage in Fresno. This apparently comes out of nowhere, though not for him I guess (lol?). 

Diane’s landlord finds out my mom’s living there and threatens to evict them due to the unauthorized tenant. Mom has to move in with Grammy. 

And that’s what you missed on Glee!!!!!!!!!

With that out of the way, I tell Grammy my cat died and also I likely have some kind of lung disease and my heart’s maybe fucked. I tell her luckily lol I’m starting therapy again and she says she doesn’t understand that and that she gets depressed sometimes and then she gets over it. She tells me I should get a job because she knows I don’t make enough from my shop. I explain that I’m trying to avoid stress right now because it could very literally give me an actual genuine fucking heart attack. She continues to be a dick because instead of using any of her 85 years of life on this planet to try to become emotionally healthy she has chosen again and again to just lash out when she’s upset and never grow as a person in any capacity whatsoever. I am grateful again that I’m able to take her and my parents as examples of what I don’t want to be. I am far more patient with her than she deserves and we part on decent terms. 

I immediately proceed to storytime this bitch out with the besties. Everyone’s like “What?????” and I’m like “I know!!!!!”

The funniest part is that the parental estrangement was due largely to my mom just fully choosing my stepdad over me, her only child. Which like wasn’t even a surprise really, as she had told me once in a childish and unexpected outburst of anger that she didn’t have a choice but to have me. (Sure she did. She just buried her head in the sand until it was too late.) So it made sense that it would be my stepdad. He was the one she felt she got to choose. Also, she is an asshole.

Hope she feels great now about making that call, lmao!!! How’d that one work out queen?? No husband, no daughter, 62 years old moved back in with your mom who didn’t even want you there, huh? Yikes!!

So anyway, my GP’s office opens in twenty minutes, please cross your fingers for me that I’ll be able to schedule an appointment sometime before my heart bursts out of my chest like the alien in Alien and then dons a tophat and tapdances away from this clusterfuck, an action for which I would not blame it tbh. (Edit: They don't have any appointments until April [what?!] but they have walk-in hours thrice a week. I will get there at 10am Wednesday morning and hopefully they will see me.) New therapist appointment is at 12:30pm, best of luck to her with this goddamned Pandora’s box of bullshit that I’m about to unleash on her. 

Gonna try to relax in the meantime as I am at this moment very aware of the consistent thumping of the tell-tale thing inside my chest. Wish me luck!

[jackie-shitposts]

do u think theres actually gonna be a sequel for carmen sandiego or r they just teasing due to the popularity of summer of sandiego

also i wish there was a miniseries with like 3 episodes of like the main ships (carulia/red crackle/carmivy) like idk i feel like that way all fans wud be happy LMAO but broo them not showing carmens mommy reuniting w her made me want to hit my head on the wall

like did her mom accept her and recognize her at first? did her mom slowly accept her and treated her like a stranger for the first weeks before warming up to here?? did her mom not accept her as her daughter due to the trauma of what happened that night?? like i need answers before i go boom.

The only thing said about a potential spinoff or sequel is that it was in the “earliest stages” back in september 2021. We’ve had basically zero update since then, and in addition they said the same about a live action carmen sandiego in 2017, and reiterated that again in 2021.

Summer of Sandiego and similar events being popular does have the ability to affect whether or not a TV show gets more content or not, although it doesnt have as much power as ratings/watch time do.

I think something that might point in favor of CS getting more content is the fact that the CS social media accounts have not gone dormant. Most social media accounts for movies and TV stop posting entirely after some amount of time, but its been years and CS socials are still active. Plus, some time ago they launched a merch store, which signifies that executives still think CS could be worth investing in (although it would be more profitable if they sold actually good looking merch).

All this to say, I have no idea what the fate of future carmen content is, but it doesnt mean we cant hope.

as for your shipping miniseries, I wouldnt want that for many reasons, the a big one being that i think rather than satisfy shippers, it would just make most of them fight with each other more than they already do. because nobody realizes that polyamory solves all your problems. sobs. and besides, theres always fanfic

I actually dont really feel the need to know who carmen’s mom is. While I have issues with how the show ended in regards to NOT elaborating on Carmen’s found family life after she was saved from VILE, I do agree that getting to know her mother is a story Carmen should undergo alone, at least to start. And from an audience’s perspective, why do we need to see her mother? She isnt going to have a face we recognize. And the show didn’t have the time to allow us to get to know her or care about her. All it wouldve been is a few seconds longer to see the hug we already know happened, and then jump cut 2 years ahead anyway. I think in regards to Carmen’s mother, they left it in a good spot that allows for further exploration in fanfic or the mystery spinoff.

[littlefirefly42]

Love, Maxie

Pairing: Elmax (El x Max)

Summary: When Max's letters stop coming, El realizes she's lost the only person she's ever truly loved

Warnings: Mental Breakdown; Self harm; Su!cide (not graphic); vomiting (not ED related); Hurt no comfort

A/N: I am aware of the irony of finishing a 2000+ word oneshot for myself in less than a week and still not having finished some of y'all's requests. I'm sorry. My only excuse is that I was sad and I needed an outlet. I hope that you enjoy this while you wait I suppose.

~~~

Seven months. That’s how long it had been since Jane Hopper had seen her girlfriend. Trapped in California with not a fraction of a chance that Joyce would let her go back to visit Hawkins, she had been extremely excited when Max had visited the previous June. They had splurged on comics and ice cream, cuddling in El’s bed and reading together. Late at night, they had snuck out the window and onto the roof (with the assistance of El’s powers in Max’s case), and they stared up at the moon and the stars. A strawberry moon, Max had commented once, and El loved her more than she’s ever loved anyone. Now El was sitting alone on the roof, in the same spot, rereading the last letter Max had sent. The date at the top said September 13th, but El had gotten it on November 6th, nearly two months later. 

El,

Hey! I miss you so much! I’m glad you’ve been doing well. How did you do on that summer experience essay? I’m sure it was amazing, the draft you sent me was really good. I’m still not in school, but I’m going back in a few days. I’m not really that nervous, but I miss you so much, and I don’t exactly have a crowd of people lined up to be friends with me. Well, I have Lucas. He’s mostly over the breakup and we’ve hung out a few times this summer, so I think we’re cool now. Mike still hates me though, and Dustin just pretends I don’t exist. Steve makes them all play nice because he’s basically my mom at this point, but to be honest I don’t really hang out with any of them very often anymore. Speaking of moms, I think I might tell mine about us, if it’s okay with you. She didn’t seem too shocked when she saw Steve and Eddie together, so maybe she’d be cool? I’m starting to lose sight in my left eye again, so I’ll have another surgery in a few weeks, but apparently it’s a pretty easy one and I’ll just be in and out. Maybe I’ll tell her right before I go under and see what she says after. Also, I’ve been learning how to do wheelies in my wheelchair, I can’t wait to show you the next time I visit. Write back when you can, and tell Joyce and your brothers I said hi!

Love, Maxie

Maxie. It was the nickname El gave Max after they started dating. Less formal than Maxine, more personal than Max, more affectionate than Mad Max. Seeing it scribbled on the worn paper in her girlfriend’s scrawly, messy, beautiful handwriting made El want to sob. She hadn’t heard from Max since she received this letter. She had written back, some giddy lovesick shit about how excited she was and how much she missed her girlfriend, but there was never a reply. She thought it may have gotten lost in the mail, but three letters and two months later it finally sank in: Max wasn’t writing back. Max wasn’t coming to visit. Max didn’t care.

It was a thought El had been stewing in for the past week and a half, and it was breaking her ribs one by one. Sure, she had missed Max before then. There were nights even before the letters stopped coming that she had felt so incredibly lonely without her fiery, sharp-witted girlfriend that she cried for hours and could still taste the sorrow in the back of her throat the next morning. After November 6th, she felt a twinge of loneliness and disappointment whenever she would sort through the mail and hand Will his letter from Mike. She felt hollow waiting like that. 

But none of it compared to how she felt now, days after she realized that Max wasn’t busy, and her letter had not been lost in the mail. El just wasn’t worth her time anymore.

That hurt. So goddamn much. The setting sun was clouded over, fracturing and distributing the soft light over the horizon, and a few heavy rain drops fell onto the roof. El refolded the letter along its worn, taped creases. She crawled to the edge of the roof and slipped down into her bedroom window, being careful not to land too loudly. She placed the letter along with the others she had from Max.

“Kids! Dinner!” Joyce yelled from downstairs. Good timing too, because El didn’t want to be alone with her thoughts anymore. But as she was opening her door, something stopped her. 

“Coming mom!” Jonathan yelled back. El closed her door and locked it. She didn’t know why, but she felt different. Detached. Her hands shook as she walked back to her desk and picked up the letter.

It made a beautifully violent sound as she tore it. El’s heart pounded, and she grabbed another letter, tearing that one too. Adrenaline seized the girl, grabbing letter after letter and ripping them apart. It was raining harder now, but she didn’t close her window. She couldn’t care less about anything anymore. 

“El, come down here!” She heard Joyce call, but the voice hardly registered. She kept tearing apart letters, and when she finished she went to her book shelf and pulled out all her comic books, throwing them on the floor. Several additions of Wonder Woman, Supergirl, Elektra, and dozens more that Max had introduced her too. El fell to the ground and tore those up too, tears beginning to spill down her cheeks. There was a knock at her door, but she was beyond too far gone to hear it. There was nothing outside this room. Nothing but her and the essence of Max in everything.

Max, huddled in the sheets that El threw off her bed.

Max, commenting on the movie and band posters El tore down.

Max, smirking at the flannel that, when El failed to rip with her bare hands, used her powers.

Max, braiding the soft brown hair that El weeded out from its roots.

Max, tracing the veins on the pale wrist that El scratched until it was red and raw, as if she could scrape away the feeling of being loved by someone and then suddenly and inexplicably being abandoned. 

Max, who abandoned her.

Things were breaking themselves now, shelves collapsing and lamps shattering, a reflection of the carnage in El’s mind. Someone was pounding on the door. Someone else was yelling. But El was unreachable, buried beneath layers of anger and betrayal, everything else was muffled and far away.

Thunder growled lowly outside the open window, and El found herself crawling beneath it. The cold water puddled on the floor shocked her nerves and unearthed a sorrow beneath the fury that El had been ignoring for a long time. She held herself, fingernails digging into her biceps, rain showering down on her, and drowned in the agony that was losing the one person you trusted to never leave. She may have screamed, but she didn’t hear herself. When Jonathan broke the door down with a crowbar, she didn’t flinch.

~~~

The next day, El still refused to speak. Still refused to talk about what happened, despite the best efforts of her family. Joyce had insisted she stay home from school, so she sat at the dining room table and stared through her lunch. Who knew pb&j could be so goddamn patronizing.

 She heard the motor of a truck pulling into the driveway, but she didn’t pay it any mind until Joyce shouted something from her office. Reluctantly, she pulled herself away from one dimly lit room down the hallway to another, leaning silently on the doorway of Joyce’s office.

Joyce was holding a phone with one hand and scribbling aggressively in a notepad with the other, but she shifted the phone to her shoulder when she saw El.

“Honey, would you get the mail please?” She stage-whispered. “I’m waiting on a package and I think it just got delivered.”

El nodded. When she opened the front door there was nothing on the doormat, so she walked down the driveway to the mailbox. It was a cloudless day, and the blinding sun after the previous night’s storm made the air muggy and humid. There were several letters in the mailbox, as well as a newspaper and a folded yellow paper package. She pulled everything out and brought it back inside, tossing the letters and paper carelessly onto the kitchen counter and taking the package to Joyce. 

“Thanks El.” She said, then added “No bills or anything?”

El responded with a simple shrug and walked away before Joyce could add anything more to the skeleton of a conversation. When she returned to the kitchen she began sifting through the letters for anything important, needing something to occupy herself with, to save her from her thoughts. She found nothing notable, two bills, a check, some ads, and- El paused. A stuffed brown envelope from Hawkins, Indiana. At first she dismissed it, with a twinge of heartache, as another letter for Will; But the return address caught her eye. It was Max’s. Suddenly, the walls of the house felt very claustrophobic. El’s heartbeat quickened and dread rooted itself deep in her chest as she slid to the ground. Slowly, with sweaty, shaking hands, she tore the seal and pulled out the first of three papers. It was written on flowery stationary, a cruel beauty to accent the pure repulsiveness of its content.

Dear Ms. Byers,

I hope you and your family are doing well. I heard that Jonathon got his acceptance letter, send him my congrats. I am writing to share some rather distressing information with you. You must excuse the tardiness of this letter, I have been grieving and could not bring myself to write it. However, I feel that it is my moral duty, and my duty as a mother, to inform you that your daughter, Jane, is a homosexual.

El felt her chest tighten. Joyce had known about her and Max for months and didn’t seem to have an issue with the relationship, but from the tone of the letter it was obvious Ms. Mayfield didn’t feel the same. She took a deep breath, letting the fact sink in, before continuing to read.

I’m ashamed to admit that I have known for quite awhile, and only now have I had the strength to tell you. You may remember my daughter, Maxine, who came to visit you in the summer. Maxine was sick as well, and I recommend you immediately seek therapy for Jane. The two were involved in a romantic relationship, the likes of which drove my daughter to suicide several months ago.

Something stopped inside of El. She reread the last sentence three more times, looked away, blinked, and then read it again. But no matter how much she wanted to pretend she was hallucinating, the word was still there and glaring. Suicide.

I know this kind of thing is hard to hear, and you may want to deny it, but from one mother to another I think the best thing for Jane is to accept it and get her professional help. I have photocopied Max’s suicide note and enclosed it with this letter, so that you may understand the severity of the situation. Please address it immediately, before we lose another child.

My best regards to you,

Susan Mayfield

El finished reading the letter and tossed it aside numbly. She pulled out the second paper, an obituary with a picture of a grinning little kid in a yellow bathing suit, missing most of her teeth, ginger hair tangled and wet. El didn’t even bother reading it. She dropped it onto the letter from Max’s mom and pulled out the last paper. It was a slightly crooked photocopy of a lined piece of paper.

El,

I am so sorry. I know my mother will read this first, but I couldn’t care less. You should know I lied to you in my letters. I don’t speak or eat a lot anymore and I don’t leave my room most days. I miss you so much. I don’t have anyone anymore, and all the time I’m just alone with my shitty mind. After you left Hawkins the first time I thought I would be okay, and I was for a while. At least, I was better than I am now. Then you came back and I didn’t even care that the world was ending because I was with you again. And that day in the hospital, when you told me you loved me, I think it was the best moment of my life. I was so ready to give up El, but being with you saved me. When you went back to Cali I didn’t feel that same emptiness as the first time. I missed you so goddamn much, but with the letters and the visit in the summer I felt like I always had something to look forward to, and that something was always you. Nothing else, no one else. Just you. And then it all went to shit again. The guys stuck around a little after everything went down, but eventually they all kind of stopped talking to me. Steve still drives me places and scolds me for not taking my meds and all that, but we’re not really friends you know? Plus, I used to just get ignored at school, but the wheelchair has been an asshole magnet and it’s getting a little intolerable. Anyway, it doesn’t matter really. The point is I just kept feeling worse all the time. And I love you, and for a while that was enough, but eventually it just hurt more, feeling like a shell of myself until the next time I heard from you. I told my mom about us like I said I would, and she broke down and said I needed help and I couldn’t keep writing to you. She’s trying to get me sent to some clinic now, and I just can’t do it anymore. Without you, I’ve got no one. So I’m sorry, really really sorry, that I couldn’t be strong enough for you, because you sure as hell were for me and now I’m leaving you but if there’s a god he knows I don’t have a choice. I love you El, I hope you live the best goddamn life.

Love, Maxie

El’s hands shook as she placed the photocopy gently on top of the other papers. Her heart kept pounding faster and faster, and it made her chest ache. Everything was too large and too close, and yet there was a strange numbness to the overwhelming feeling, like a fight-or-flight response, a reflex. Her body was acting on its own, and her mind was somewhere else. Somewhere far, far away. She lifted herself from the ground, heart still pounding, and made her way dizzily up to her room, leaving the two letters and her girlfriend’s obituary on the kitchen floor. El's room was in the same chaotic disarray it was the previous night, and still she looked around and saw nothing but Max. Everything she had destroyed in her blind rage was Max. And Max was dead. And everything was gone. And El fell down to her knees and threw up, then cried on the hardwood floor for a long time.

[jcmarchi]

CSS Chronicles XLII

New Post has been published on https://thedigitalinsider.com/css-chronicles-xlii/

CSS Chronicles XLII

Remember these? Chris would write a post now and then to chronicle things happening around the ol’ CSS-Tricks site. It’s only been 969 days since the last one, give or take. Just think: back then we were poking at writing CSS in JavaScript and juuuuuuust starting to get excited about a set of proposed new color features that are mostly implemented today. We’re nesting CSS rules now. Container queries became an actual thing.

CSS was going gosh-darned hog wild. Probably not the “best” time for a site about CSS to take a break, eh?

That’s why I thought I’d dust off the chronicles. It’s been a hot minute and a lot is happening around CSS-Tricks today.

I’m (sorta) back

We may as well begin here! Yeah, I was “let go” last year. There was no #HotDrama. A bunch of really good folks — all in the DigitalOcean community team — were let go at the same time. It was a business decision, love it or not.

Things changed at DigitalOcean after that. A new leadership team is on board and, with it, a re-dedicated focus on re-establishing the community side of things. That, and Chris published a meaty post about the CSS-Tricks situation from his perspective. Coincidentally or not, a new job opened that looked a lot like my old gig. I had feelings about that, of course.

This little flurry of activity led to a phone call. And a few more. And now I’m back to help get the ol’ CSS-Tricks engine purring, hopefully making it the rich resource we’ve loved for so long. I’m on contract at the moment and feeling things out.

So far? Man, it feels great to be back.

What I did during the “lull”

I jumped over to Smashing Magazine. Gosh, that team is incredible. It tickles me that we still have Smashing Magazine. And here’s a piece of trivia for your next front-end cocktail party: Smashing Magazine was launched in September 2006, a mere 11 months before Chris published the very first article here on CSS-Tricks.

I also spent my time teaching front-end development at a couple of colleges that are local to me where I live in Colorado. I had already been teaching but bumped up the load. But not too much because I decided this was as good a time as any to work on a master’s degree. So, I enrolled and split my days as a part-time editor, part-time educator, and part-time student.

The degree went quicker than expected, so I used the rest of my time finishing up an online course I had started a couple years earlier and finally got around to publishing it! It’s probably not the sort of course for someone reading this post, but for complete beginners who are likely writing their very first line of HTML or CSS. You ever get asked how to build a website but don’t have the energy (or time) to explain everything? Yeah, me too. That’s who this course is for. And my mom.

I call it The Basics — and I’d love it if you shared it with anyone you think might use it as a starting point into web development.

What I want for CSS-Tricks, going forward

This site’s always been great, even long before I was brought on board. Historically, it’s been more of a personal blog turned multi-author blog with a steady stream of content. Nothing wrong with that at all.

What’s lacking, though, is structure. Most everything we publish is treated like a blog post: write it, smash the Publish button, and let it sit on top of the stream until the next blog post comes out. We’re talking about a time-based approach in which posts become a timeline of activity in reverse chronological order. Where do you find that one post you came across last month? It’s probably buried by this point and you’ve gotta either hit the post archives or try your hand searching for it by keyword. That might work for a blog with a few hundred posts, but there are more than 7,000 here and searching has become more like finding the metaphorical needle in the equally metaphorical haystack.

So, you may have noticed that I’m shuffling things around. Everything is still a “post” but we’re now using a Category taxonomy more effectively than we had been in the past. Each category is a “type” of post. And the type of post is determined by what exactly we’re trying to get out of it. Let’s actually break this out into its own section because it’s a sizeable change with some explanation around it.

The “types” of things we’re publishing

OK, so everything used to be an article or an Almanac entry. We still have “articles” and “entries” but there are better ways to classify and distinguish them, most notably with articles.

This is how it shakes out:

Articles: The tutorials that have been the CSS-Tricks bread and butter forever

Guides: Comprehensive deep dives into a specific CSS topic (like the Flexbox guide)

Almanac: Reference pieces for understanding CSS selectors and properties that can be cited in articles and guides.

Notes: A post for taking notes on things we’re learning. They’re meant to be loose and a little rough around the edges, just like taking notes you’d take from a class lecture — only we’re taking notes on the things that others in the community (like you!) are writing about.

Links: Things we’re reading that we find interesting and want to share with you. A link might evolve into a Note down the road, but they’re also useful resources that can be cited in the Almanac, a guide, or an article.

Quick Hits: I hate this name but the idea is to have a place to post little one-liners, like a thought, an idea, or perhaps some timely news. I’m openly accepting ideas for a better name for these. 😇

This is what we’re looking at right now, but there are obviously other ways we can slice-n-dice content. For example, we have an archive of “snippets” that we’ve buried for many years but could be useful. Same with videos. And more, if you can believe it. So, there’s plenty of housekeeping to do to keep us busy! This is still very much early days. You’ll likely experience some turbulence during your flight. And I’m okay with that because this is a learning place, and the people working it are learning, too.

Yes, I did just say, “people” as in more than one person because I’d to…

Welcome a couple of new faces!

The thing that excites me most — even more than the ice cream truck excites my daughters — is bringing new people along for the ride. Running CSS-Tricks is a huge job (no matter how easy I make it look 😝). So, I’ve brought on a couple of folks to help share the load!

Juan Diego Rodriguez

Ryan Trimble

I got to know Juan Diego while editing for Smashing Magazine. He had written a couple of articles for Smashing before I joined and his latest work, the first part of a series of articles discussing the “headaches” of working with Gatsby, landed on my desk. It’s really, really good — you should check it out. What you should know about Juan Diego that I’ve come know is that the dude cares a lot about the web platform. Not only that, but pays close attention to it. I’m pretty sure he reads CSSWG specifications for pleasure over tea. His love and curiosity for all-things-front-end is infectious and I’ve already learned a bunch from him. I know you will, too.

Ryan, on the other hand, is a total nerd for design systems that advocates for accessible interfaces. He actually reached out to me on Mastodon when he caught wind that I needed help. It was perfect timing and I couldn’t be more grateful that he poked me when he did. As I’ve gotten to know him, I’m realizing how versatile his skillset is. Working with “design systems” can mean lots of different things. For Ryan, it means consistent, predictable user interfaces based on modular and reusable web components — specifically web components that are native to the platform. In fact, he’s currently working on a design system called Platform UI. I’ve also become a fan of his personal blog, especially his weekly roundups of articles he finds interesting.

You’ll be seeing a lot of Juan Diego and Ryan around here! They’re both hard at work on bringing the trusty Almanac up-to-date but will be posting articles as well. No one’s full time here, me included, so it’s truly a team effort.

Please give ’em both a hearty welcome!

This is all an ongoing work in progress

…and probably always will be! I love that CSS-Tricks is a place where everyone learns together. It might be directly about CSS. Maybe it’s not. Perhaps it’s only tangentially related to web development. It may even be a rough idea that isn’t fully baked, but we put it out there and learn new things together with an open mind to the fact that the web is a massive place where everyone has something to contribute and a unique perspective we all benefit from — whether it’s from a specialization in CSS, semantics, performance, accessibility, design, typography, marketing, or what have you.

Do you wanna write for CSS-Tricks?

You can and you should! You get paid, readers learn something, and that gets people coming to the site. Everybody wins!

I know writing isn’t everyone’s top skill. But that’s exactly what the team is here for. You don’t have to be a superior writer, but only be willing to write something. We’ll help polish it off and make it something you’re super proud of.

More than 200 web developers, designers, and specialists just like you have written for this site. You should apply to write an article and join the club!

So, yes: CSS-Tricks is back!

In its own weird way! In my perfect world, there would be no doubt whether CSS-Tricks is publishing content on any given day. But that’s not entirely up to me. It not only has to be of at least some value to people like you who depend on sites like CSS-Tricks but also to DigitalOcean. It’s a delicate dance but I think everyone’s on the same page with a shared interest of keeping this site around and healthy.

I’m stoked I get to be a part of it. And that Juan Diego and Ryan do, too. And you, as well.

We’re all in it together. 🧡

[tiny-talks-big-tales]

What's even going on? (Original post date: 15.05.24)

If you interact with me on a semi-regular basis you have probably caught some mentions of my current real life situation, some more than others. I know a lot of people worry. I’m sorry about that. It’s hard to find the balance between hiding everything and oversharing.

Seems like I tend to share just enough to explain why I’m a mess, and then also unintentionally make people worried. For friends I’m closer with I’m bad at keeping track of who’s been updated on what, because it’s hard to talk about the same stressful things over and over and over again when I kinda just want to distract myself.

So! In my wisdom (or impulsivity, you choose).

I made a blog, wowie~

I’ve made this, a page where I can write an update once and then throw that same bit of text at the good eggs around me who want to listen.

Within the disability communities I’m in I’ve also been asked to collect longer rambles I write on disability theory things on a citable blog, which is a whole other topic, but still pretty neat.

I know I can’t promise updates on any kind of schedule, but I’ll do my best to throw up summaries of changes to the status quo. Writing is good for me, too. Win-win?

Current situation, bullet-point-style

Like some kind of cursed summary of what’s wrong with my life! Wohoo, isn’t this just cozy? �� (:

I’m multiply disabled

My needs require support and care from other human beings more or less around the clock

The welfare system does not provide this care

My lovely partner has cared for me for years and is way too burnt out to continue like this

I’ve been tossed around the system like a beloathed pingpongball all my life, with the 7 years since I aged out of the foster system being a whole new level of disastrous systemic neglect

There’s approximately a zillionty things needed for my needs to be met, main ones being:

enough daily life support

miscellaneous overdue medical care

a wheelchair that I can actually use

a home with an accessible shower and enough space for all my mobility aids and medical supplies

sorting out the whole ‘I breathe so poorly I get sick’ problem that knocks me out multiple times a day

hearing aids and new glasses

enough arson to be therapeutic after this hell I’ve been living through for excruciatingly long /legally-a-joke

???

a month long nap

Every single one of the things above get roadblocked by some other thing not being in order, a bit like this image I made from the frustration

My health suffers from neglect and I keep getting worse

My partner’s health suffers from being unreasonably overworked, and he also keeps getting worse

We’re desperately begging the system for help

From September 2023 we’ve been warning them that he will be forced to abandon me if things don’t change quickly

It is now May 2024 and things still have not changed

Without care, I can’t do the basics like…

acquire or prepare food

get myself drinks

use the toilet

keep hygiene at sanitary standards

turn and position myself for pressure relief

prevent avoidable wounds & infections

treat the wounds & infections I still get

acquire and take my meds

Things like being comfortable, having fun, thriving and improving, staying active, going outside, and having good quality of life? Those are luxuries on a whole other level than all of the above. I’m not asking the system for luxury. I’m asking them for the privilege to not pee myself while gagging on my stomach acids from hunger. But the system says no, and me and my partner are scared of what will happen if we lose this fight against the system.

We both just wanted to share our life together, and then this fucking bullshit happens. I’ll forever hate the system for what it does to me, and especially for what it does to him. I love this man so much and despise having to watch how the system failing me also destroys his wellbeing.

I hope we manage to win, and we finally have more people trying to help us fight the government. I’m just really out of it and mentally unstable while everything is chaos, I don’t know where I’m going to live a month from now, and it’s all just stressful and scary.

[mylyricpages]

INTERVIEW WITH JEFF SCOTT # 8 ( 2023 )

“After twenty years I keep thinking what else is there left to write about, but to my constant surprise life keeps providing inspiration.”

Barely a year after ‘On The Outside Looking In’ James Ellis is releasing not just one but two new lyric collections. “I had my doubts if I’d even do a collection this year,” he tells Jeff Scott, “but I ended up with more stuff than I knew what to do with.”

IT’S AN UNUSUALLY hot morning in early September, the nation basking in an unexpected heat wave after weeks of unsettled weather. Mercifully though, there’s a cool breeze bringing some slight relief. Caswell Bay, Swansea is brimming with activity, families filling up the beach, dipping in the sea, and across the way car after car arrives in a constant stream. We got here early. We’re sat outside the Surfside Café, queues are building at the nearby ice cream parlour and there’s already bustling going on at the local surf school hut.

I’m sat with here James Ellis, who’s picked this splendid piece of the Gower coast to talk about his two new lyric collections. Yes, that’s two, the first time he’s written more than one in the same year since 2013. “It caught me by surprise,“ he says. As you probably know by this point we’ve done this a fair few times before. You know the story, he finishes a new project, I interview him. It’s worked pretty well since 2012. We’ve talked life, music, his books, his comics, we’ve even collaborated on two volumes of his memoirs, but today, it’s the lyrics again.

It’s been a busy time for both of us lately and unlike our usual meet ups our time today is short. So quickly we get down to business, him with his coke zero, me with a fresh brew. We’ve agreed to dive pretty much straight into the songs albeit this time around we’re doing things a little differently and discussing them in the order they were written.

We begin with the 15 ‘songs’ on the first collection ’We Are Ascending.’

Dear Life

This was the first thing I wrote at the tail end of spring, pretty much in the last days of May. It was written alongside a very early version of ‘Twilight’s Last Stand,’ which was far longer and called ‘Shadowlands’ then.

For this collection I originally had a bunch of lyrical themes I wanted to explore but once ’Dear Life’ was done that idea didn’t work for me anymore. I guess I felt like I’d explored that way of doing things well enough with ‘On The Outside Looking In’ and going forward I decided I’d let whatever was going to come out just come out and get the hell out of its way.

It’s basically about me writing a letter to life and asking a few questions.

Broken Teeth

If anything represents the themes of ‘We Are Ascending’ I think it’s this. What I realised in writing ‘Dear Life’ is that this collection was going to be more about how I see the world, about what’s going on around me, rather than what’s going on inside me. ‘On The Outside …’ was very much an introspective thing and I realised while writing ‘Dear Life’ that I wanted to get away from that way of doing it for a bit. From that point it became very much about the times we’re living in. Once I figured that out I knew I had something I could explore.

I’ve had the first verse since the early part of the ‘Electric Hymns’ sessions, I’ve just struggled to find a good place for it until I realised it was actually an opening verse. Once I figured that out the rest just flowed. It’s pretty much about our current digital age and social media.

We Breathe/ We Breathe ( Reprise )

It started out as one song as these things often do, but when I got around to typing it up proper it seemed too long. I liked everything in it though. It had a significant middle section which was what I basically pulled out for the reprise but there were still a few verses that didn’t make it. As it turned out I liked the way having a reprise gave a little more cohesion to the collection, with things echoing a bit.

Both parts are about our relationship with the world around us, how we relate to it in both good and bad ways. They’re about the current not so good path we seem to be on but I made sure it had some hope too.

Ghost Of A Town

Written about my hometown. Much I love it, there’s no getting around the fact that it’s become a ruin of its former self. Empty shops, half empty streets, buildings falling apart, it just has a general sense of neglect. It’s not a shit hole by any means, not yet, but it feels like it’s at a point where it could certainly go that way. It’s been one bad local authority decision after another for decades since I was young.

It’s a place with a rich history. It was a brilliant, thriving market town when I was growing up but for reasons I’ll never fathom anything that made it unique or historically interesting has been taken away and its soul has been eroded. I just wanted to capture the feeling I get when I go there now. It’s not a ghost town but there’s a sense of it you can’t deny. People are fighting to keep it alive and I admire that too.

The title popped into my head one day when I was walking through the streets and it kind of perfectly summed up how I felt in that moment.

Intermission # 1 & #2

I wanted two really short pieces, something I hadn’t done for a while. I think the words have a kind of music hall feel to them but I’m no expert on that so I could be wrong. Early on I considered splitting the collection into three parts. When that idea later solidified I thought it might be nice to have these little intermissions, maybe just a verse, to end acts 1 and 2. I basically used the template for Intermission # 1 to write # 2 as I wanted them to be companion pieces.

Ministry Of Light

This came out of Intermission # 1 as I was figuring out how that was going to go. There was a bunch of lyrics that didn’t sit right in it but I quite liked and I was pretty sure I could still do something with them.

I have to be honest here and say I’m still not sure what this song is about. I know I wanted to write something that was a kind of hopeful thing, a mantra of sorts, about shining a light on things instead of throwing shadow over them, about veering more to the positive side of things. I wanted a kind of communal feeling to it. I’m not sure I captured what I was after but it‘s still got stuff in it I really like.

King Without A Crown

King Without A crown started out very differently. It sprang from a random few lines I wrote down which went something like ‘You lived your life/ you lived your life so well/ you were a king without a crown.’ It was originally about someone I knew, someone who died suddenly and died far too young, but it wasn’t working, not like I’d hoped it would anyway, and as I rewrote, it became much more of a universal thing. Who knows, I may still get to use those lines one day.

A Sympathetic Sound

Some of the verses are from the original version of ‘We Are Ascending,’ which I wrote around the same time as ‘Dear Life’ and the original version of ‘Twilight’s Last Stand,’ and quite frankly that version didn’t work. I liked the verses so I kept them until I found a suitable place.

It’s about the daily struggle we all go through in our lives but also about that sense we always feel that things will somehow get better, that sense of hope that we’ll always turn a corner toward something better.

We Are Ascending

This updated version came directly out of writing ‘A Sympathetic Sound.’ On revisiting the original version of this I realised, in a real light bulb moment, how I could get to the version I’d been trying to write in the first place. Once I’d figured that out the rest of just flowed.

The theme of it came out of ‘A Sympathetic Sound’ too. In a way it feels they’re two halves of the same thing. They’re about the same thing.

A National Address

A bit of a tricky one this. I had no idea how I felt about organised religion or the Church itself until the words hit the page. I have to admit I debated with myself about putting this out into world as I don’t want to offend anyone. Faith is one thing, everyone has faith in something, friends, family, God, we’re spiritual beings at heart, but when a group starts dictating to people how they should live their lives, embrace something they don’t believe in, that’s where I draw a line.

I’m not attacking anyone’s belief system, just how it’s corrupted by certain elements of certain institutions to further their own agenda. It was surprising how fast and how easily it all came together to be honest.

Alchemy

Now this came easily and nearly fully formed, unexpectedly so and it’s always nice when that happens as mostly it can be like pulling teeth.

The chorus came first, then a few days later the verses. I already had the ‘beauty in the tragic’ part and that just slotted in really nicely as if it belonged. It’s about how we remember those who’ve gone, about how we deal with that and how we keep their memory alive, for them and us.

Swimming Not To Drown

Written in bits and pieces over about a week. It didn’t exactly come in order either, nothing was where I felt it should be and it took a few more days once I had those bits and pieces to figure out how it all fitted.

It was only on putting the finishing touches to it that I realised what it was about. As with a fair few songs in the sessions for ‘We Are Ascending’ it’s about having hope in things, that whatever’s getting us down we’ll get through it by helping ourselves and helping each other.

The Class OF 23

There was going to be a completely different song in the position this takes up in the collection but my nephew was just finishing up in secondary school for good, which of course, is a big moment in his life.

I wanted to mark that somehow and the words just came tumbling out in a few hours. It’s certainly the song that took the least time on this collection, but it felt fully formed as soon as I put the words down.

*

[oncominggstorm]

My sisters are on the way to the hospital right now with my mom, we’re worried she’s had ANOTHER stroke, and I’m just really freaking out.

Vent under the read more

So a little bit of backstory: I have a twin sister & a younger half sister (same mom, different dads, her dad has never been in her life). All three of us are late-diagnosed autistic & adhd, and all 3 of us are in varying states of autistic burnout (I in particular am like, basically unable to function at all rn, like to the point where I’m not sure it’s worth continuing to try to live cuz what kind of life is this). I HIGHLY suspect my mom & grandma are also autistic & adhd, but were never diagnosed (& my mom is not willing to even entertain the idea that she might be autistic).

My grandma has moderate to advanced dementia. My mom & younger sister live with her, and my mom is grandma’s primary caretaker (grandma can’t speak in full sentences, can’t tell us what she needs, and needs help bathing, remembering to eat, cooking, etc.). We do not have any other support. There’s no family who are willing/able to help, and we’ve contacted every help agency we can to try to get help with my grandma, and have basically been told that there is no way to get help for my grandma unless we enroll in a program that will take her house when she dies to pay for the care they give her, which would effectively make my mom & younger sister homeless.

My mom had multiple strokes at the end of September 2021, and then had more strokes AGAIN at the end of October 2021. And while she did recover somewhat, she’s still been struggling with both physical & cognitive symptoms ever since.

After her 2nd round of strokes she was diagnosed with anti-phospholipid syndrome, which is a somewhat rare blood clotting disorder that makes blood clot easier & puts her at higher risk for strokes (and she was already at a higher risk due to her smoking, and also family history - my grandma also had multiple strokes when she was around my mom’s age). She has to go to the anti-coagulation clinic & get warfarin shots weekly. Today when she went they said her blood was much thicker than it should be, and gave her more warfarin than usual.

Today my twin sister was driving my younger sister back to grandma’s (in my car, my sister doesnt have one) when they noticed my mom in her car, driving EXTREMELY slowly, and going through stop signs without stopping, etc. They tried to flag her down but she didn’t stop. My sister ended up pulling in front of my mom to try to get her to stop, & my mom rear-ended my car (thankfully since she was going so slow there was no injury and minimal damage). My mom said she couldn’t remember how to stop the car, and she was very loopy & out of it, and not making a lot of sense.

So yeah. We’re very worried she’s had another stroke, ESPECIALLY since the coagulation clinic said her blood had been unusually thick (aka prime for forming clots that cause strokes for her).

My sisters are with my mom at the ER now trying to find out what’s happening. I’m at grandma’s house watching her cuz her dementia is at the point where she needs 24/7 supervision.

I’m just really worried. Idk what we are going to do. We barely survived last time mom had strokes, and we’re all doing even worse now than we were then.

My sisters & I are all unable to work. My mom was recently fired from her job (due to not being able to keep up after her strokes). My twin sister & I live with our dad for free, and him (plus SNAP & medicaid) are the only reasons my sister & I are getting ANY of our needs met. My mom, little sister, and grandma are all barely getting by with grandma’s social security as their only source of income. No one has any savings.

We’re all like, struggling just to take care of ourselves. Like, I havent showered or brushed my teeth in almost 2 weeks. I havent done laundry in 3. I have verbal shutdowns literally daily. I can’t make even the most basic of decisions. How am I supposed to help take care of my mom (and grandma, since mom was her caretaker and obviously won’t be able to if she’s had another stroke. And caring for grandma is a BIG job).

But there’s just NO help out there, we have tried everything. And even if there WAS help (which again, there’s not), there are SO many barriers to getting help. You have to jump through so many hoops, make so many phone calls, fill out so much paperwork, talk to so many people, etc. It’s like a catch-22; in order to start getting out of burnout & doing better, I need support. But in order to get the support, I need to be doing better so that I can handle doing all the stuff that needs to be done to access help. It really fucking sucks.

Like. I CANNOT handle the higher level executive functioning tasks. I can’t navigate phone calls & paperwork & bureaucracy without help. I can’t do any of it. But I’m going to somehow HAVE to. And I just don’t know what to do. We need help.

[atlanticcanada]

N.S. housing advocate calls for increased funding after swamped legal aid service cuts walk-ins

A community worker with the Dalhousie Legal Aid Service says the office is dealing with more tenancy cases than it can handle.

Joanne Hussey says the number of renters seeking out free legal help to deal with evictions has reached the point where the office has been forced to eliminate its walk-in service for the month of May.

“We’ve decided to pause our drop-in intakes, which usually happens twice a week,” says Hussey.

Hussey says the office normally sees about 10 drop-ins each time.

Part of the challenge, she says, is the sheer volume of cases she and the other community legal worker are handling.

“But also, we are a teaching clinic, so we have new students who are joining us at this point and so we’ll be spending some time training them,” Hussey adds. “We’ve generally been able to make it work during those student transitions, but this time we just felt we needed to take that break.”

Hussey says since September, Dalhousie Legal Aid has worked with 102 households facing eviction, compared with the 30 households the clinic assisted during the same period the previous year. She says where the clinic’s work was once equally divided between tenancy issues and income assistance cases, that has since shifted almost entirely to tenancies.

Hussey says that often takes a lot of time, as the complaints process with Nova Scotia Residential Tenancies can take months.

“I think it’s a whole lot of things that came together at the same time,” she says. “When (the federal pandemic emergency benefits) went away, that caused problems.”

“We saw rents increasing in Halifax at levels that we’ve never seen before, and we also have the rent cap, which has kept rents from increasing drastically while tenants had a lease, but it also meant if people have to move, they face a huge increase,” Hussey explains.

The chair of the Dartmouth chapter of ACORN, a grassroots advocacy group which works on affordable housing issues, says the loss of the drop-in service is a blow to the community.

“For low-income people,” says Lisa Hayhurst, “nobody can really afford legal services, (Dal Legal Aid) is basically who they turn to.”

She herself used the office’s walk-in service just a few weeks ago to ask a question about a letter she received from her landlord.

“With the housing crisis and renovictions going on,” she says, “tenants don’t really know where to go, so they have to turn to Dal to help them through the hearing.”

Dalhousie Legal Aid is a non-profit charity funded through donations and grants from the Law Foundation of Nova Scotia, Nova Scotia Legal Aid, and Dalhousie’s Schulich School of Law.

Hayhurst says she would like to see more provincial funding for organizations like Dal Legal Aid.

“What we (at ACORN) want to do is call on the province of Nova Scotia to put more funding into tenant advocacy and legal resources so some of the stress will be taken off Dalhousie Legal Aid,” she says.

“There’s definitely a need for funding for all the services for people experiencing homelessness or at risk of homelessness,” Hussey says, “I think really we need the government and the public to recognize there are a lot of people working really hard to make sure this situation that is already bad doesn’t get so much worse.”

from CTV News - Atlantic https://ift.tt/fKHleSQ

[kittemfang]

whats this?? its time for THE 2022 YEARLY ART SUMMARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we’ve got a lot to cover here folks!! this year was interesting, as i basically had a large amount of artblock for around half the year. it wasnt until the late months of the year that i really feel like i started picking up! lets go!

JANUARY:  this drawing is a bit sloppy, but i honestly love it just for how fun it is to draw characters based on littlest pet shop molds. it was tough choosing this one, especially as if you know me you may recall i was deep into hyperfixating on The Hex and drew it a lot, but overall i feel like this drawing was the start of Something... i drew in a ‘painter’ style way more often this year, and this may have been the starting point.

FEBRUARY: febby was a rough month in terms of drawing, almost all of my drawings this month were doodles rather than finished drawings, a trend that is going to be popping up a lot during these early months. this drawing was mainly an experiment, especially with more goopy and meaty drawings, its alright.

MARCH:  i actually made this in the brawling depths of both artblock and psychonauts hyperfixation. for how much i struggled to draw it, it turned out really good, i still enjoy it. i dont draw backgrounds/elaborate setpieces in drawings very often, so it was fun to plan out the composition and stuff.

APRIL: this month of extreme artblock also paved the way for a new drawing style that i adore doing and still do. that is, using my favorite lineart brush to just do somewhat of their own shading. of course, since this was the first time i did that, its not as much as other pieces doing the same style would do. this month had ONLY this drawing as something i would consider more finished, as my artblock was strong and i mostly drew loosely and without care to be perfect, something very good to do for the soul

MAY:  theres not much to say about this drawing, its simply something that i did. ive become more and more comfortable with a painting style. however, it is funny that i just couldnt get her face right, so i doodled it on. there isnt much to say about this month either, i doodled a lot, and drew ocs mostly.

JUNE: this drawing was actually in honor of me getting a dress, its actually the first dress i wore. its an ant dress :) one time i was on the bus wearing it and this lady was like man your dress is totally punk its so cool. i like the way i color tv sheeps wool as usual

JULY: ah yes, artfight season. but i drew this because i was also playing cuphead a bunch, and moonshine mob is one of my favorite bosses. i love the way the colors turned out on this, in general i love the look of it, i like how i did the colors of the fur into eachother.

AUGUST: nothign special to it, i just like this drawing :) i think its funny how the main subject is flat colors, i NEVER do flat colors. and its still good. its just well...its pleasant its a nice drawing.

SEPTEMBER: i was wondering what drawing to put for this, after all this month i started going in an upwards direction with drawing. it was still doodle-like, but the way i colored characters was starting to become more focused and enjoyable, and i still do it this way. however i choose this one because its just..its nice. and i still love knock knock. and i love dark shading with light.

OCTOBER: things are starting to get real this month. doodled a lot, drew nice finished pieces, got more ambitious with things like my full dhmis piece. drew and was thinking about a lot of my ocs this month. i choose this drawing because I ADORE IT??hello??? honestly went off with this drawing. the dark and desaturated dreary colors with the bright, kind of offputting highlights, got damn !

NOVEMBER:  i became real this month. i was taken out for a few days after surgery, but i was on an IV drip named touhou project and she gave me STRENGTH. i have to draw people now. PEOPLE. and i became stronger. STRONGER. i started drawing with full rendered shading a lot more often. i choose this drawing though because while it isnt highly detailed shading, i think the simplicity, the colors, and the lining make it ‘pop’ and its just real good.

DECEMBER:  BECOMING STRONGER, BECOMING MORE REAL. i am drawing a lot now. i love my drawings. im finding different ways to draw and am going between them. a lot is happening. her name is touhou and this is her project. i choose this drawing of eika, because she is my baby, i also think its a really cute drawing. i love how i did the shading, mes was like “teehee you used posterization” nope i just shaded it like this myself... its too much!!

also, for my eika design: the two red bits tailing off of her are not part of her dress, if it was obvious by the different way i shades them. they are umbilical cords that sorta act like tails..kind of nasty, put those things away! also i draw her hands and feet more simple because its sorta like, the idea of her being half formed and boneless

OVERALL: A LOT OF GOOD THINGS HAPPEN AT THE END OF THE YEAR FOR DRAWING. the beginning of this eyar was troubled by a lot of fits of artblock and unwillingness to draw, but now im strong. i fully blame my new interest in touhou project for my good mood and happiness with my art, however it also helps that during november i got on medication and now i really am just a happier person.

here are summaries from the previous years. take a looky at what i have become!

if you want to see my commentary for 2021, here it is

[losingitinjersey]

Ever spend the last 12 days intending to blog every day and then never finding the time to do so?  Yup, that’s where I’ve been at.  Straight up in survival mode over here.  

My MIL left on Monday and while my days since have been spent constantly putting out fires managing two crying children (often at the same time), I’m oh so flipping happy to be on my own again :) I understand that it’s important for family to come and visit and get to know their grandchildren. While I’m happy we all had that time together I’m glad to now have the time to figure out life as a family of four without an extra person in the house.  

Kevin started a new rotation that has him gone six days a week from 4 a.m. to 8:30 p.m. (or later) so all he has time to do is come home and sleep.  Poor guy :( I went from having both him and either my mom or MIL home all the time to now doing everything alone.  It’s a lot but I’m surviving!  

Here’s a rundown of some of the highlights from the last 12 days. 

Aug passed her hearing test!  Woooo!

Thanks to the MIL here, Kevin and I were able to go (BY OURSELVES) out to dinner, out to brunch, on several walks, and two grocery shopping dates!  Such a dreeaaammm!

My MIL strongly dislikes/is scared of my cat, Saki.  As such, on one of the days I was gone at appointments with Aug for six hours she didn’t let him downstairs.  Due to this he pooped in my bedroom on the carpet :(  To my MIL’s credit, she thought he had a litterbox upstairs, but no.  That’s why I’m always letting him down and opening up the bathroom with the litterbox in it for him all the time.  Pay attention, woman. 

While we’re on the MIL rant, I’ll keep going with two more stories. 

I’ve put Erp to sleep every night of her life except for when I was at the hospital delivering Aug.  We have a bedtime routine that I look forward to every day and one that I find to be an intimate experience that only we share.  One night that I’m putting her down, I come out to find the kitchen and dining room still a mess with Kevin and his mom sitting on the couch (she has Aug in her arms so she gets a pass).  But I’m frustrated and start to clean.  At one point I look up to ask if MIL can turn on the monitor (that I know was turned off before I went in to start bedtime) and I see she’s looking at it watching Erp.  I ask her if that means she watched us while we were in there.  She replied that she had.  I reply, “Great.” Drop what I’m washing in the sink and run upstairs slamming the door shut behind me.  I go to pump and cool off.  I come downstairs 40 minutes later to tell her I overreacted but also that I felt she had invaded our privacy.  She tells me, through tears, that it reminded her of her time with Kevin when he was a baby.  I get it, but still.  Kevin said had he known she was watching he would have told her to stop since I made it VERY clear to him early on in Erp’s life that I don’t like being watched on the monitor when I’m in there with her.  I guess I should have told her about my preference in advance but I never thought I’d need to spell it out like that.  

For the last week she was here, she had Chicago Med on the TV constantly, at relatively loud volume.  Please note that we never ever ever have the TV on at our house unless we’re actively watching something, and if that happens it’s 99% of the time just me watching and I do it for an hour at night when everyone is asleep.  If we need background noise, music is playing.  She would just sit on the couch and watch her show talking about gunshots, premature birth, and whatever kind of medical drama while my kids are running around.  I’m sorry, but I thought you were here to connect with your grandkids?  So while she sat on the couch, I would engage and play with Erp for hours.  Cool cool cool.  

Please note that despite all this she’s a lovely woman and a great grandmother and mother and MIL.  I came into her visit already dreading more company, and I’m sure I’m still surging with hormones from the pregnancy (right? or am I just this way always now?).  All this to say that I was not begging her to stay and getting used to taking care of both kids on my own wasn’t that hard since I’d basically been doing it during her entire visit. 

Okay, let’s take a breather and talk about other things. 

Do you remember the 21st night of September? I DO because my 6 week old slept 12 straight hours! GLORIOUS. 

After finishing listening to Billy Summers (loved it!) I decided to undertake Stephen King’s hefty novel, The Stand.  I’d been scared to attempt it ever since I read 100 pages of it in 9th grade before deciding to pick it up again later.  I guess 23 years later did the trick because I’m thoroughly enjoying it!  I’ve learned that audiobooks are the only way I can get through any material lately.  It makes me want to go out on walks and take drives so I can listen to MoAr!  I’m already 10 hours into the 48 hour novel.  Although, I gotta say, it certainly feels strange to read about a deadly pandemic (written in 1978) during this current pandemic.  

After two months since I initially contacted the nearby school/daycare, I finally followed up to get Erp on a waitlist.  There are six kids ahead of her.   We took a tour on Friday and I want her to get in so so badly, hopefully before we move in June!  It would be such a great place for her to socialize and learn!

If any of the above isn’t telling, my hormones are all over the place. I know this because my face has decided to rage in all the redness and acne. So fun! 

Thanks to getting my house back, I’ve been able to establish a routine for us which includes going on stroller walks every day with the girls!  We’ve already made it over 37 miles this month!  Loving the outside time and knowing I’m working hard at my weight loss efforts.  

Despite being on maternity leave, this past Friday I was invited to participate in an EA (virtual) offsite with my team at work!  It was great to be able to see everyone again!  At the end we participated in a cooking class where they mailed me a box of all the ingredients to cook a NY Strip Steak and Corn Succotash! Deeeelicious! 

Given Erp’s increasing interest and ability at walking, I attempted a walk with her the other day, sans stroller!  I wore Aug in a wrap on my chest and held Erp’s hand as we walked around the neighborhood. We walked a good 1/4 of a mile!  Everything was fine until we made it back to our walkway and she refused to climb up the step to head back inside.  Like, laid flat on the ground refusal.  Since Aug was on me I couldn’t really just grab Erp and muscle her back inside.  She wouldn’t listen to any request of mine to go inside so we had a power struggle of what felt like 15 minutes but I’m sure was closer to 5.  She would try to crawl around my feet (into the bushes even to get around me), and any time I tried to lift her up she’d pull herself to the ground crying.  Eventually I tucked Aug’s flopping head into the fabric of the wrap so I could lean down and grab my tantruming child and carry her inside.  I want to be able to keep up with these excursions but not sure how to do so if she continues to rebel like this.  Like, if she did this farther from home we’d be up a creek.  Hopefully she’ll improve in time? 

OKAY! Hopefully we can now get back to our regularly scheduled blogging so a massive update like this won’t be necessary again :)  Thanks for taking time out of your day to catch up with me!

[fa-by]

Hello babies and dear Anons 👋🏼🤗 I'm back with a new ‘Q&A’ post. Sorry, it took me longer than usual. I'll explain to you at the end of the post. For now, enjoy 🙃

I've already talked about it here, dear Anon, https://fa-by.tumblr.com/post/648194553804881920/%C9%9F (first question) and then here https://fa-by.tumblr.com/post/648194746313031680/%C9%9F (fifth question).

And who said I think Camila is a lesbian, dear? 😏 Maybe you mistaken me for some other blog? Because, I've never said that, dear. I've never been asked about it 🤷🏻‍♀️

You must be new to my blog if you're asking me this question, dear Anon. Welcome 🤗 and my answer is no, dear. Neither of them has ever cheated on the other. They're both way too loyal for that shit.

No, dear Anon. And always keep in mind that this is just my opinion and that therefore I could be wrong.

Hello to you too, dear Anon 👋🏼😄 First of all, thank you 🥺🥰 Thank you very much for your words, dear, you're super nice and I really appreciated it very much 🤗

As for stuck, we didn't fight or anything like that. I guess we just drifted apart 🤷🏻‍♀‍ even before she entered the Marvel world, but I can't tell you why she never liked and re-blogged my posts, dear 🤷🏻‍♀️

Let's call it my flaw if you want, but I don't like any posts myself (not even my girlfriend's), but that doesn't mean I don't like many posts I see. It's just the way I am 😅 I leave comments every now and then though 😅 And neither does it mean I wouldn't like to interact with you guys if you ever want to contact me or tag me or get me involved in something. It may not seem like it maybe because I don't re-blog and put likes around, but trust me, it's not like that.

Going back to stuck, I really can't tell you why. I mean, I'm not her so I can't answer you. Maybe you should ask her directly, dear. @stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland​

I hope you have a very nice day too, dear Anon. Thank you so much again, and please, be sure to take care of yourself too 😘

Hello to you, dear Anon 👋🏼😄 and don't thank me, dear 🙈 It's really a pleasure for me to interact with you guys and help you in any way I can 😊

So. Yeah, I think what you think, dear. Mila was definitely the one to make the first move, but as far as putting aside pride and the decision to give it another try, it was something they both did because they each had their own reasons. Remember, dear, there are two people in a couple.

Hey dear sneaky little one 👋🏼😄 I'm good. How are you? It's a pleasure, dear, you don't have to thank me for that 😊

I'm not sharing them with you guys yet just because they're personal observations that not everyone can agree on and, as you may have noticed, I like to tell you guys what I think with real facts that I can prove. In this case, it would be like in this picture:

I hope that with this example you understand better what I mean, dear sneaky little one. Come back any time you want and take care of yourself too 🤗😘

Hey dear Anon, why are you so down? 😟 Don't be 🤗 I know it's hard to think positively about them, but think about everything we've endured so far. Think about how strong we are. Whatever's thrown at us, it won't change our minds because we know the truth. Now, come on, dear, smile 😁 Enjoy the small wins instead of having them ruined for you by the possible eventuality of them doing something. And remember, we're in this together 💪🏼

I swear to you that when I saw it, I was like 📢🔊 Your loving takes me higher 🎵 You set my heart on fire🎵 When you touch my body got me singing like Mariah!!!! 🎵🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Hello to you, dear Anon 👋🏼😄

1) No, dear, you can't force something on someone who agreed to do things like this in the first place. I'll explain better. PRs are accepted by those directly involved, who then sign a contract. It's a commitment they're bound to respect from the moment they have accepted and signed the contract. If they don't respect it, they then have to pay the consequences (if you’re interested, I wrote a post about how PR relationships work here: https://fa-by.tumblr.com/post/648193061847023616/pr-stunt-relationships-%C9%9F). I'll give you a silly example. Think of it as when one day you didn't want to go to school but you had to go anyway. It's pretty much the same dynamic because even if you didn't want to go that day, or several days, you knew you had to and you did. I hope it went well as an example 😆

2) Yes, but which of the two teams, well, that depends, dear. It depends on who's reaching whom and where. It depends on whether they're traveling together or not. And it depends on the purpose of that particular stunt, like if is some particular event or not.

3) No, dear, absolutely not, don't worry 🤣 Everyone has their own room. The rooms are very likely to be close together though, or at least on the same floor, that's for sure.

4) Yes, when possible, of course. The more people see the couple doing everything together, the more believable they seem.

Don't thank me, dear, it's really a pleasure 😊 Have a good day too ❤️

Not necessarily, dear Anon. Mila started work on her third album during the pandemic in her studio, so no one had to pay for her. Besides, when a contract expires and there's a re-sign, it doesn’t necessarily mean that an announcement will be made about it since the record label is still the same. Announcements are made if there's some kind of important addition, such as for example happened with 5H when they had to re-sign as a quartet for legal reasons with Syco/Epic, and it was only announced because of the addition of a contract with Sony Music as the sponsor for their last album.

Having said that: 1) Since her movie has been postponed again, I would say in 2022. 2) I really hope not because they would be really stupid to do it again. Plus, I don't think the PR will last until the released of her album. 3) I have to admit you made me giggle here, but no, dear 😂 don't worry. Producers, composers, songwriters, etc., work with a lot of different artists who have different styles. Mila’s nothing like Chimp, and she can’t do anything boring. It isn't in her blood. No pun intended at all there 😏🤣

Hi to you, dear Anon 👋🏼😄 and you got it right, buddy! We think the same way!

They had gotten to a really bad point in their relationship. A point where they were no longer themselves, either in the couple or individually. For me, what happens in the Havana music video is what happened in reality as well. It was obviously told in an artistic and funny way there. Like the scene of Juan literally ‘coming out of the closet for her’ because he thought it was the best thing for their relationship. In that scene, he gets down on his knees to ask her to marry him, but in reality, at least for me, it represents December. It represents the ‘begging’ in a disguised and artistic soap opera way. It represents Lauren's last attempt to make things work between them. Which is related to the “You love me”, “I do love you. But I love me more” scene in which Camila leaves everything behind. And if you think about it, we can also find this connection somewhere else: 🎶 “Nobody talks about walking away when there's still love” 🎶. Always Love by Laur. Luckily, at the end of the video, she really is ‘took back to her Havana’ as it also happened in reality.

It's all connected, dear. There's a connection and an explanation for everything they do artistically. Just pay attention and you'll be able to connect the dots like you did in this case too. Give me a virtual high-five! 🖐🏼 And have a good day too, dear Anon ❤️

Hello to you, dear Anon 👋🏼😄 Thank you very much, dear, and don't worry, I've been never asked that. So. Before answering your questions, let's take a look at the facts, okay? Especially for the baby Camren shippers.

Leilani is Dinah's aunt by marriage. She has always interacted with fans and we saw her in several videos even with Dinah herself, but the first time she showed herself to us as problematic was on July 18, 2016. Leilani tweeted an attack on Taylor Swift and apologized the next day by saying of having been hacked:

Yeah, suuure, because hackers around the world were waiting for nothing but hacking her 🙄 But let's move on. September 8, 2016, was the day Laur cried several times during the concert in Phoenix, Arizona. The next day, on the 9th, before the concert in Irvine, California, Laur tweeted to thank the concerned fans, and Leilani replied to the tweet by exposing L because of the ‘her’:

On December 21st, 2016, she did a live where she talked about Camren after fans asked her about it: https://va.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_qvandqF63c1ykfr3q.mp4  (I also put the sub in the video myself)

On January 8, 2017, she posted two Snapchat stories in which she spoke again about Camren with one of her nieces: https://va.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_qval74yFz61ykfr3q.mp4 

On January 29, 2017, both Camila and Lauren blocked her on social media:

She continued to strike by attacking Camila months later. On July 13, 2017, the same day the 5H interview with Billboard came out, Leilani attacked her by basically calling her a whore. Tweet to which C replied with suspense dots and a Rihanna GIF:

On December 5, 2017, Camila posted the album cover and title by saying that the pre-order would've been possible from the 7th. Because of the album cover picture, Leilani attacked with the first tweet on December 5th, and continued on the 6th:

Then nothing else problematic.

Yes, of course she knew about Camren. All the people close to them know about Camren. Leilani has always been a person who likes attention. She has always liked to show off and be noisy and messy in doing so. It didn't matter how ridiculous she was or that her actions fell upon her niece. The fact that she seemed to be joking and that she was always so evasive and confusing on the subject, is because she herself knew she was going to pay the consequences. She could never have said “yes, they're real” and stick to it. Also because the one who would've paid the most consequences would've been Dinah. You know, being her aunt, it was like her responsibility. And I think D really paid the consequences for something she didn't do. At least, before the sharks took the reins and told her what to do (Leilani through Dinah). It’s happened to a lot of people close to them to get involved over the years. It has been noticed a lot more from 2015 onwards, but especially in 2017 to increase the story of the fake feud between the girls.

So basically, yeah, she was problematic and loud and messy and all of that, but for the most part, she was just following the script.

Hi to you, dear Anon 👋🏼😄 welcome and thank you very much 🙃 My answer to your question is yes, they've been for a long time by then. You'll find more details on all of that dynamic below in the next ask, dear.

Kinda? 🤣 Okay, let me explain, dear Anon. There was no cheating if this is what you thought with my first answer. But let's go in order. I'll shed some light on the story with Luis once and for all.

Luis Santos' first appearance for us was on January 13, 2013 when Laur posted this picture on IG:

One year later exactly, on January 13, 2014, L posted this picture:

Then we have the one on February 24th (when the girls arrived in Miami because they had three dates in Florida for The Neon Lights Tour) and those of February 25th, 2014 after the concert (posted the day after):

We have the one of April 13, 2014:

The prom ones of May 17, 2014, which were the last pictures with Luis that Laur posted:

And lastly, we have Laur’s birthday one posted by Luis:

The latter lets us understand that their story officially began on January 27, 2014. We don't know when it ended exactly (let's suppose at the beginning of July) because we only had confirmation of it in August thanks to the explanation that Clara gave for that fake scandal:

Now. This is the official story. The one we should’ve bought. But let me show you the behind the scenes. This is Melanie Mueller, Luis's ex:

Luis was in a relationship with Melanie from early August (unfortunately, Luis and Melanie's profiles are all private, but not Melanie's old Twitter) until, according to the narrative, late November 2013:

And this is where the juicy stuff begins. Luis stated that he and Mel were no longer together:

The date coincidentally matches the beginning of his relationship with Lauren on January 27, 2014, right? Right. So how do you explain the fact that Luis and Mel were on a romantic date exactly 13 days after he said they weren't together anymore?

As you can see from the date, it was February, and weren't Lauren and Luis already together since January 27th? 😏 The funny thing is that they kept interacting and taking pictures together:

And then there's the best part. The Camren shippers went wild that year in replacing Luis's face with Camila's twice. The first one with the prom picture 🤣:

And the second one with April picture. Sorry, I really tried but I couldn't find the original manip. But don't worry, I have two better things 😏:

Ohh, I think we know, Mel 😎

And how can we forget one of the many things that remained in the fandom's history and which coincidentally happened just in February a week before the picture of Luis and Melanie's romantic date:

Now that I've given you proofs, it's theory time. We know about the friendship with benefits, the Like Friends Do situation that Camren had, and we know that Lauren was in denial. Luis was a shield. Her shield, especially for the public. It wasn't a PR created by the labels, but by Lauren herself. Laur and Luis were friends, and I mean, they still have been for years. Laur simply asked him for a favor and he accepted. Laur stayed in Miami throughout the Christmas period until the first week of January 2014 before flying to L.A. with the girls. It was then, in that time spent at home that she asked him, and despite knowing the risks, despite knowing he would face fans' hatred, and despite having a girlfriend, Luis agreed to be the fake boyfriend just to help his friend in need. I don't think she told him the real reason behind it right away, but she definitely told him once she and Mila finally got together. Laur came out to her family in early 2015, but it doen't mean she didn't to her friends before. Especially once she and Mila became official in April 2014.

So, dear Anon, yes, in a way, Lauren was with Camila and Luis, but in reality, she was never with Luis.

Hi to you, dear Anon 👋🏼😄 Thank you very much, dear, and that's okay. I don't mind helping when and if I can. It's not a problem at all for me 😊

So, as far as Lolo's situation is concerned, I honestly think Columbia has very little to do with her situation. I mean, Columbia is the biggest record label under Sony Music and has always had a lot of successful artists. From the great names that have made history to the most recent but still famous ones: Michael Jackson, Freddie Mercury, Aretha Franklin, Frank Sinatra, David Bowie, Bob Dylan, Celine Dion, Paul McCartney, Mariah Carey, Beyoncé, Jay Z, Adele, Alicia Keys, Ricky Martin, Pharrell Williams, Robbie Williams, Katy Perry, Shakira, Snoop Dogg, 50 Cent, Diplo, OneRepublic (Ryan Tedder), Miley Cyrus, Harry Styles, Zain Malik, Little Mix, Calvin Harris, BTS, Lil Nas X, Meghan Trainor, etc., etc., etc. Believe me, there are really, but really many names that I haven't put in this list.

The purpose of a record label is to make money. To do that, the label finds an artist. The label decides if it's worthwhile for them to sign the artist by investing and advancing the money on them, and if the label believes they can make money with their music, then they don't think twice before signing them. So they invest in the artist, develop them, promote them through the artist's team, and distributes their music in exchange for a percentage of the revenues. If things go smoothly and well, there's a gain, but if things go wrong, the label loses money. [If you want to know more about how the music world works and what the girls had to go through, I wrote a post about it here: https://fa-by.tumblr.com/post/648192055443619840/how-the-music-world-works]

Now, what did I mean by that? As I said before, Columbia is the number one, the biggest and most important umbrella music label under Sony Music Entertainment. So why on earth would a label as big as Columbia Records have signed Lauren and invested in her, but then thwart her and lose a lot of the money they invested themselves? It wouldn't make any sense because it would be like self sabotaging themselves! And what did I say is the purpose of a record label? To make money. Don't be fooled by anyone about it, dear.

I could have understood if this had been an isolated case; if Laur had been the only one among the girls (LAND) who hadn't released an album. But it's not like that. Something, and I'm 100% convinced it's something from their old contracts, has held all four of them up until now. We'll see, dear Anon. Sooner or later, the truth will come out because it always does. Even if it takes years.

Don't apologize, dear, really 😊 Hope things are great with you too and please, take care of yourself too 🤗

Hey to you, dear Anon 👋🏼😄

Nada is a song that is part of Tainy's EP called Neon16 Tape: The Kids That Grew Up on Reggaeton, and it's about how two people in an unofficial relationship want completely different things. The guy doesn't want anything serious unlike the girl.

Now. I understand why you're confused, dear. After reading the lyrics and thinking about Camren, you've surely wondered “Where the fuck is Camila in all of this? But does it have something to do with her, or not?”. Well the answer is no. You see, dear, we're used to hearing a lot more Mila's songs than Laur's. When Mila writes, she writes for herself. She writes from her point of view and according to her experiences. Same thing Laur does. But Mila, unlike Laur, can't write a song for other people. She can't detach herself from them when she's writing them. Take as examples all those songs she gave away after finishing them, like Anyone or Ain't Easy. When you listen to them, you can clearly hear Camila all over it even if the song is being sung by someone else, like in these two examples, Justin Bieber and Elijah Woods. But with Laur? Nah, because Lauren can completely detach herself from them.

Take More Than That as an example. Laur didn't write More Than That for herself; she just ‘decided’ to keep it (because it was okay for the narrative she had going on at the time). If she had really given it to someone else and then you had listened to it and knew she was the one who had written it, you would've thought “Really?” with a wtf expression as the first thing. Right? Because you recognize Laur in the song only because you know she's behind it. Am I wrong? And don't get me wrong, dear, this is not by all means a bad thing at all. I'm not saying this as an insult or anything. Quite the opposite actually. I think it's absolutely amazing. Think about it. It's basically the work of songwriters and ghostwriters who only work behind the scenes for other artists. Gosh, they're both so fucking talented 😍

Anyway. What was I getting at with this? To the fact that the same thing happened here with Nada. Nada was written by four songwriters and we have two different points of view to represent the couple in the story. The one of the girls, Laur and Cris Chil (she also worked and wrote with her for Lento), and the one of the boys, C. Tangana and Tainy (like Cris, he wrote with her and produced Lento). Now. I can't tell you who the real protagonist behind the story of the song is because none of them said it, but it's definitely not Lauren. Laur just went with the flow.

Before starting, I would like to also publicly thank my girl @romanticentropy​ for helping me with the translation (her first language is Spanish), so thank you again, my love 🥰 And I'm not talking about the literal translation. I'm talking about the real meaning behind it since the meaning of many sentences or words can change even based on a simple comma. Therefore, here below you'll find the real translation along with notes placed in parentheses with various explanations. I don't know if you speak Spanish, dear Anon, but we did this for all those people here who don't speak it so that everyone can understand the true meaning of the song.

That said, let's get started.

Verse 1:

“Como te arrimes sí te voy a dar

If you dare come close, I’ll give you [implied: my dick]

Me he puesto guapo pa' verte pasar (Yeah)

I got myself all dressed up to watch you go by (Yeah)

No me pregunte', no quiero pensar

Don't ask me, I don't want to think

No tengo tiempo, no me pue'o casar

I don't have time, I can't get married

Pero, puedo quererte de nuevo

But, I can love you again

Dejar todo el resto pa' luego

[implied because the two sentences go together: And] leave everything else for later

Quedarme pa' ti, que más quieres de mí

To stay for you, what else do you want from me

No odies al jugador odia al juego

Don't hate the player, hate the game

Yo no me he inventado na' (Qué va)

I didn't make anything up (Not at all / Of course not) [‘Qué va’ is an expression, particularly from Spain, that means something like ‘How could you have thought that? Of course not’ said in a casual tone. So, ‘not at all’ is a possible interpretation because he's reassuring he really didn't make anything up]

Sobrevivo en la ciudad (¿Qué?)

I survive in the city (What?)

Me la busco pa' ganar, cien monedas pa' gastar

I'm looking to earn, a hundred dollars to spend [In this sentence, the comma is very important because in ‘me la busco pa' ganar’ read alone, it means that he's finding his ways to earn a living or a better life. When you add ‘cien monedas pa' gastar’, it extends to ‘he's finding his way to earn $100 to spend’, but the comma is important because it keeps alive the idea that he's not only working for the 100 dollars, but also for a better life (possibly a rich kind of life, but that's not necessarily implied)]

Una cama pa' dormir, y un yate pa' vacilar

A bed to sleep in, and a yacht to show off on”

What do we understand from this? That he's actually the one who doesn't want to have a serious relationship because his goal for the moment is to earn and live a good life, not to settle down and get married.

Pre-Chorus:

“Tú ya sabías to' lo que había

You already knew what to expect / You already knew what the situation was

No me hagas cambiar, vida mía

Don't make me change, my darling [He sings ‘vida mía’, which means ‘my life’. Calling someone ‘my life’ is not used in English because it makes no sense in the definition of the language itself. So, in this case, it's translated and used as a loving nickname. As you could call someone ‘my love’, ‘my heart’, ‘my baby’, or ‘my darling’]

Yo te doy hasta que se haga de día

I'll give you until it's daylight

Yo te doy hasta que se haga de día

I'll give you until it's daylight [‘Darle a alguien’, ‘to give to someone’ in Spanish has a sexual connotation. It means you're going to have sex with that person. It’s especially used from a male point of view; particularly this last line, he means he'd have sex with her all night until it's day again]”

He basically tells her: “You knew I'm an asshole. Don't try to change me because it's useless. The only thing I can give you is whole nights of sex”.

Chorus:

Sigue' dándome na', dándome nada

You keep giving me nothing, giving me nothing

Can't keep up with your vibe

'Cause you're up and you're down, 'round and you're 'round, babe

I can not read your mind

Conté lo' día' pa' volverte a ver

I counted the days to see you again

Y tú ni sabe' qué quiere' hacer

And you don't even know what you want to do

Cuando me vaya no voy a volver

When I leave I won’t come back

Sigue' dándome na', dándome nada

You keep giving me nothing, giving me nothing”

This is an ultimatum. “If you keep giving me nothing for much longer, I'll leave you without looking back”.

Verse 2:

“Yo no estoy para regalarte

I'm not here to please you [The literal translation of that is ‘I'm not here to give you’. The incomplete sentence opens an ambiguity where you don't know if she’s saying ‘I'm not here to give you anything’, or ‘I'm not here to give you things’, or ‘I'm not here to fulfill your wishes’, or ‘I'm not here to please you’, or things like that that make you understand that if he's not ready to pay attention to her right now and give her the love she needs, and he's clearly not because he's ‘giving her nothing’, she's not just going to wait there by begging for some love or collecting the crumbs that he leaves behind. She's saying “give me the love and the attention I need or I'll go away on my own”. So overall, ‘I'm not here to please you’ is a decent interpretation]

Ni tampoco para esperarte

Nor to wait for you

Ese dinero no te va a cuidar

That money won’t take care of you

No te pido matrimonio, yo sólo tu arte

I'm not asking you to marry me, just your love [That's the real meaning behind the sentence despite the literal translation being this: I'm not asking you to marry me, just your art]

Cuando no estoy ahí

When I'm not there

Sé que preguntas por mí

I know you ask about me

Sé por qué eres así

I know why you're like this

I know you're afraid of falling in too deep

We can pretend like we’ve only done this for the fun of it

Pero no te sorprendas si te enteras que así como tú hay mil

But don't be surprised to find out there are a thousand just like you around”

Basically: “I'm not asking you to marry me, just to have a real relationship. An exclusive relationship. We can continue to pretend that we just had fun, but I know there's something deeper. I know you're afraid of falling in love with me, but if you keep wanting this kind of relationship, then I'm gonna go find someone who wants the same things as me; also because there are a lot of guys out there and I'm starting to get tired of waiting”.

And that's all, dear Anon. Now that you know the real translation *thanks once again, mi amor 💖* , can you see anything that has to do with Mila? Because I don't. In fact, if I really have to find an association with Camren, the only thing that comes to my mind is that Lauren could have written some parts of her verse from Camila's point of view when they were still just fuckbuddies. You know? Since it was Laur who was initially in denial and was afraid, and not Camila. She was the one who was afraid of the idea of even liking Mila, let alone falling in too deep. But it's not like that. There's nothing of Camila here. There's no Camren here. For me, this song is the story of one of the three (Cris Chil, or C. Tangana, or Tainy) and Laur only contributed to it with her talent.

Of course I can, dear Anon 😉

So. Camila created In the Dark the day after going to the Grammys' after-party (February 12, 2017) with which she went with Ashlee as her date of hers. Mila said she got the idea for the song because of the encounter she had at that party with this unnamed famous guy. Yeah, sure, Jan. We know very well that this is not the case. Just as we know very well that that was the same night in which Tyren had their first public appearance as a fake couple. If you're interested, I've already explained all this also with proofs in my previous post: https://fa-by.tumblr.com/post/653296412485894144/romanticentropy-fa-by-hiiii-babies-and-dear (last question in my All These Years' interpretation).

If you don't mind, dear Anon, I'll start with the verses because they're the only parts of the song where Mila isn't addressing Lauren directly. In the verses, Camila just observes her by describing their surroundings.

Verse 1:

“Blank stares, faithless

Vampires at the same places

Shadows, traces”

Okay, let's talk about those types of parties for a moment. I bet that when you think about it, you picture a lot of celebrities having fun and dancing, glam, alcohol, drugs, music, and all those kinds of things, right? Well, that's just as true as it isn't. You see, there aren't just celebrities at those parties. There are one or more of they team members, there are A&R representatives of various labels, CEOs, publicists, producers, marketing representatives, radio and television presenters, reporters, designers, advertisers, etc., etc., etc. Those parties are the epicenter of business-talk. Very often, this is where ideas for collaborations, for PRs, for endorsements and sponsorships, for movie and TV appearances, etc., etc., happen. For those celebrities who have to be there for business reasons and not for actually having fun, those parties are pretty boring.

With those sentences, Mila describes all the people around her during that party. Those people who aren't having fun because they're surrounded by what she calls vampires. Before they marketed them by making them sparkle in the sun because of the crystals on their skin, or before they made them wear a gemstone in daylight rings, bracelets, and amulets to make them walk in the sun, you know? Before they become basically trendy, vampires were always the villains. But don't get me wrong with that. I saw the Twilight saga and I love love love The Vampire Diaries, but the fact remains that before all of that franchise, vampires have always been used in horror and scary genres because they're evil. Also because if you think about it, what do vampires do? They suck blood by basically feeding on the life force of creatures by draining them to survive and not decompose since they're undead. They need to take a life to keep living theirs, so yeah, they are the bad guys.

So Mila here describes both the bored people, the ones with blank stares who in those cases are the shadows of their true selves because they're pretending to be who they aren't, and those people of power as bloodsuckers, life-suckers: vampires. And I don't blame her at all because that's what they do. Vampires, or puppet masters, or parasites, or as you guys know I like to call them: sharks.

“I know that you feel me”

Now. Now, now, now, now, now, now. What does this sentence make us understand? Picture you're in a place full of people. Picture pretending that you're having fun because you can't show how much you actually want to be somewhere else. Picture smiling and forcibly laughing at the bullshit someone's saying. It's all about image. Now picture seeing someone you know amidst that sea of people. You and this person are far from each other, and at the moment, you both are busy talking to other people. Even though you turned around to keep having this oh so great conversation with those people, you can feel the person you know. You can feel their presence despite being on opposite sides. You can totally feel that they're still looking at you, and you have confirmation of that the moment you turn towards them again.

Apply all of this on Camren now. We know how they've always attracted each other. We know how they've always searched and checked each other when they were on opposite sides of a room. We know how they've always felt each other. So it's not that hard for me to picture how it went in this case. I understand what Mila means when she says she knows Laur could feel her despite the place and all the people around them. Because it's always been that way between them, and we've actually seen them do it many times.

Verse 2:

“Plus one, guest list

But you don't even know what her name is

Secrets, endless

I know that you feel me”

This is a repetition similar to the first verse. Mila here continues to describe the people around her and those around Laur. People who are there because they're on a list thanks to someone they don't even really know. People who in those events become totally fake because they all have secrets to hide, including the two of them. People who pretend to be friends with each other just for a matter of image without even knowing their real names, their real selves. People who are so used to wearing a mask that they've by now become that mask. And among all the sea of these people, Mila knows that Laur can feel her. Evidently as much as she can feel Laur.

Refrain:

“You’re runnin', runnin', runnin', runnin' (oh)

Making the rounds with all your fake friends”

As I said before, many celebrities wear a mask, this facade for protection. They do it to show themselves as unproblematic and to show themselves almost as perfect in the eyes of others. If you think about it, it's the same thing we see in many celebrities and even in Camren when they have to promote something. Neither of the two of them has problems showing themselves to us in a vulnerable, authentic way, without make-up ‘al natural’. But as soon as they have to promote something, bam! Dresses, nails done, make-up, and hair. It's quite normal on the one hand. I understand that. But the problem, as Mila herself said, is when this fake persona takes over your authentic self.

In this part, Mila explains how she was observing Lauren's behavior. This facade that she was wearing because they were in that kind of environment with those kinds of people and those fake friends (yes, including Tabloid). This mirage that allowed her to run and hide her true self from everyone, even from Camila herself.

“Runnin', runnin' away from it (away)”

Especially in this part, and despite having seen her fake act many times before, Mila lets us understand how Lauren was 'running' and suppressing/hiding her authentic self in front of everyone. [I remember that period. Lauren didn't act like Lauren for a while]

You can strip down without showing skin, now”

Okay, this? This sentence right here, it's magic. It's pure art. “It's okay to show the realistic side of yourself without exposing yourself and also having to show your secrets or what you want to keep to yourself. There's no need to act like a completely different person from who you are”. Camila leaves me more and more speechless with her way of writing and expressing such true and profound concepts.

Pre-Chorus:

“I can see you're scared of your emotions

I can see you're hoping, you're not hopeless

So why can't you show me?

Why can't you show me?

I can see you're looking for distractions

I can see you're tired of the acting

So why can't you show me?”

The pre-chorus explains itself quite well. Mila's saying “I know you. I see what you're doing. I see your fear. I see the way you want a way out. I see how tired you are of this farce. So why are you faking it? Why are you faking it in front of me? Why are you faking it with me? Show me the real Lauren. Not this industry puppet. Show me the Lauren I know”.

Chorus:

“Who are you in the dark? (I, I)

Show me the scary parts (I, I)

Who are you when it's 3AM and you're all alone

And L.A. doesn't feel like home? (I, I, I)

Who are you in the dark?”

Who are you in the dark? = Who are you when no one's watching. Who are you when no one can judge you. Who are you when you're alone and you can really lower that protective barrier you create around you. Show me that. Show me all of you.

Camila mentions 3AM because, as we well know thanks to their other songs, it was the nighttime hours when they were able to spend more time together freely. She also mentions L.A. to make a comparison with Miami since Los Angeles is the second city they spend the most time in due to their careers.

If in the pre-chorus Mila really asks her to show her her true self, here in the chorus she instead asks her a rhetorical question accompanied by the explanations themselves like the specific examples 3AM and L.A. to make/show her point even more. Basically the same explanation as the pre-chorus: “Who are you, because I know, I know you, so why don't you show me?”. And I really love this connection between pre-chorus and chorus.

Bridge:

“Darling, come on and let me in

Darling, all of the strangers are gone, they're gone

I said, darling, come on and let me see”

The difference between the pre-chorus & chorus and this, is the more affectionate way she addresses her. She's asking her in a cute way also thanks to the use of that classic old-school pet name, to open up and show herself. She's telling her that it's okay now that they're alone. And most importantly, she's reassuring her with this:

“Darling, I promise that I won't run”

After hurting each other, after the omissions and the secrets, after the fights, after the non-communication, after that toxicity, in short, after everything they'd been through in those years and the way things had ended between them almost two months prior, this is really serious. She's promising her that she'll stay. That's the first step, or at least what we know was the first step thanks to this song, towards a healthy relationship and towards a real positive change in their relationship.

And by the way, wooohh, this whole transition is amazing!

Outro:

“Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah

Who are you in the dark?

Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah

Who are you in the dark?

Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah

Who are you in the dark?

Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah

Who are you in the dark?”

And that's all, dear Anon. I hope you liked my interpretation 🙃

P.S. When Sinu said “Number nine is my shit!” during that live, I felt that. Mama Sinu was right. Even after all this time, this song is still the shit 😎

🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍

Aaand I'm done 👩🏻‍💻 I hope I was helpful in this case too 😄 Thank you all for your asks and as usual, know that I'm available for those who have questions, so feel free to ask 😊

Before I go, I wanted to apologize for this huge delay. In addition to my job, it was due to the fact that I'm in the middle of a relocation. For about two months for 21 years, I always go to a place by the sea for the summer. I'll be there from today and I'll be back in September. Unfortunately there isn't much connection there, but there's a single wi-fi. I don't know if I'll continue to answer the asks all together with a post or individually. I'll see how to organize myself once I'm there. I apologize in advance if I'll take longer than usual to reply, but at least you know that it's because there's not much connection there (and you have to keep in mind that I’ll continue working normally because I’m not on holiday yet). Everything will be back to normal in September.

That being said, always remember to be kind, to others and to yourselves. Be a good example. Be patient. Be safe and take care of yourselves. Don't let our ship sink. Keep shipping them, but please respectfully 🙏🏼 Sending you virtual love and hugs 🤗🤗🤗 I love you, babies. Always with love, F ❤️

[otp-holic]

The one place (where something happened) (A03)

“In your life there are a few places, or maybe only the one place, where something happened, and then there are all the other places.” Alice Munro. (or the one where they receive a letter from a familiar name and we go into 4Ks of fluff around a lost afternoon in France)

4K. Lamely explicit at one point. Fanfic + Pictures Inside. Trigger for FLUFF as the main plot. Part of the Never let us lose what we have gained series (AO3)

This was supposed to be a manip with 200 words of bantering and it's now 4Ks of fluff with a few pictures. I've decided to leave them inside the cut because I feel they work better with its context there. I'm sorry for the hassle, but I really hope you give this a chance... unless you have cavities, only like fics with amazing plots or are allergic to shameless fluff.

Please do not repost the pictures, I know this is futile, but… I try :)

DAGUERROTYPE, France 1944 Private Collection.

Steve is cooling down from his very early run, enjoying the feeling of the pink sunrise looming over the awakening Brooklyn streets as he walks the last couple of blocks on the way home, when his phone beeps.

“Check your actual mailbox, we dropped something for you there. I think you should appreciate us making it old-fashioned just for you, grandpas!”

Steve smiles at Sam’s text and as soon as he arrives at their building he snaps a picture of the very common and flat envelope with “Barnes&Rogers” scribbled on top of a Stark Logo, to send along his response.

“Nice try, but this is inaccurate. A letter would have never made its way to us without an address or stamp. We’ll send you a proper thank you card to show you how it’s done.”

He can’t help but chuckle at his own joke rereading the text while he opens the door, and when he looks up from his phone and into the kitchen, he is received by a sleepy Bucky looking at the coffee machine like he looks at Steve during their most soft and embarrassingly cheesy moments.

“You love that thing more than you love me, confess it.”

“In the mornings? Yes. I don’t even like you in the mornings most of the time,” he answers matter of factly. “Want some?”

Steve playfully wiggles an eyebrow.

“No way. Your sweaty self is tempting, but coffee smells better. I might join you in the shower later.” Bucky offers him one of the two cups he has poured and he notices the envelope Steve is holding. “What is that?”

“We’ve got mail!” He hands it to Bucky. “I have no idea what's on it, but Sam texted me to say they had something delivered to our mailbox and there it was. Open it.”

Bucky leaves the cup on the counter, face sparked with a curiosity that makes him look twenty-one (and Steve weak on the knees), and goes for it.

The content is a bit underwhelming at first glance: Another envelope, white, no Stark logo, but topped with a bright green post-it with a note on Pepper’s script.

“This got to me via PR. We analyzed it and checked with the source (no peeking, I swear) and it seems legit. With that return address, it’s likely to arouse your interest. Love, P.”

Bucky tears off the post-it and the letter is revealed to be addressed to Steve Rogers at the Stark Tower, but it is when they turn it around when everything goes still for a second.

The return address is some street in Marseille, but what has Steve’s mouth dry and Bucky’s hand trembling just a bit is the combination of the place and the name written on top: Emmanuelle Jaques Dernier.

“Boom?”, Bucky says, trying to cut through their heavy hearts and taking Steve’s hand. It’s a terrible terrible joke, but Dernier would have loved it and he grins.

“That’s a terrible terrible joke,” Steve verbalizes, “but I think at least we’ve reached the same conclusion.”

“Elementary, my dear Steve,” Bucky answers as he opens the second envelope, only to reveal a folded letter and yet another envelope. “It’s a fucking vault of paper!”

Steve takes the letter from him, unfolds it, and quickly scans it (normal office paper, printed, hand-signed) before he starts reading it out loud to Bucky’s undivided attention.

“Dear Mr. Rogers,

My name is Emmanuelle Dernier and I am the great-grandson of Jaques Dernier of the Howling Commandos.

First, let me tell you that we all in our family grew up with amazing stories and praise for you, Sergeant Barnes, and the rest of the team. I never got to meet my great-grandfather or any of them (you), but I’ve always felt like I did.

In fact, that’s the ultimate reason behind this letter: I ached to honor him and I’ve been putting in order all his remaining letters, pictures, and memories so they don’t get lost forever, and there are many things I’m discovering through this journey. So many pictures and tiny details… and amongst them, you and the rest of the Commandos appear at the most random and memorable moments. Nothing that’s going to make it into history books, more like the stories my grandpa used to share with us over and over again, those important tidbits that make him more human.

Anyway, I was going through the pictures he kept when I came across some war photos that didn’t seem to match the 40s timeframe. Typical daguerreotypes from the 20s in a very bad state, probably taken with a camera from the era in 1944 and developed on a later date by somebody who clearly didn’t master the technique.

They were in a very bad state and hidden inside an envelope that said “Terribly drunk soldiers in France making idiots of ourselves in unique and creative ways. Fun evening, horrible hangover. About 20 miles west of the Maginot Line. Autumn ‘44”. I’m attaching a photocopy of that, I hope you can understand my decision to keep the original.

After restoring the daguerreotypes with some experts, all I got were five very bad pictures with silhouettes of people apparently having fun…. but there was one that got a lot better in the cleaning process that feels important somehow. I’m sending the original, as well as the restored version I got.

I, of course, don’t have the whole context, but I hope it brings back a good memory. My great-grandpa might be in the picture, but I don’t think this one belongs to my family or to a museum.

Thank you for your service, I really hope this letter finds its way to you.

E.Dernier.”

“I can’t believe… Steve, most days I’m convinced that day and that place are a figment of my imagination,” Bucky smiles, remembering. “When I think of a moment of pure joy during the war, I think about that afternoon in France, and it always feels unreal. A bubble of air and laughter while we were so surrounded by death.”

Steve nods, reminiscing about that warm and humid September morning when they arrived at yet another abandoned and destroyed little village, this one about twenty miles west of the Maginot Line. They had orders to lie low and wait for twenty-four hours before they started the maneuver to wipe another Hydra base off the map, and that little town was perfect for that.

Among bomb debris and fallen walls, they found one small building miraculously standing next to the remains of the church, so they decided to set camp under a roof for a change since the weather was being a little flickery with the rain, and they had the rare luxury of time.

The inside of the tiny house was as unusual as the outside: nothing was destroyed beyond being dusty and worn by time, and everything they found (furniture, kitchenware, and even fabrics) belonged more to Steve and Bucky’s early childhoods than to 1944, a living museum frozen in time.

Only it was not a museum, but the parish house left untouched and non-raided: old-fashioned clothes, outdated church books, yellowing clergy collars, and, of course, the wine cellar. Oh, that wine cellar… the havoc it unleashed.

“I remember the absolute excitement when Falsworth found all those bottles of old unscathed mass wine from the parish,” Steve brings his memory to words, looking at Bucky, “I’m still a little convinced that we are going to hell for drinking them.”

“Not for that, probably, but it was a wonder nobody died on the spot of wine poisoning, it tasted like sweet vinegar, ugh.”

“But it did his part, right? Took our minds off things; got us drunk, bold and silly.” Steve answers.

“Apparently not all of us,” Bucky says very seriously, looking at Steve.

“Technicalities… I got drunk by proxy. Seeing you all so happy made me giddy and tipsy, too.”

“I came and went… I remember being a little surprised at the clarity of my thoughts at some moments there when some of the guys were basically drooling on the floor. Now I understand, of course.”

Steve squeezes his hand, not much to be said there.

They were already way too drunk by the early afternoon, drinking to the sound of a sudden rainstorm pouring outside. All of them scattered across the small dusty living room and its adjoining kitchen while they went through all the bottles of wine they had been able to find. Cheering for the foregone priest every time somebody raised a glass, and laughing as if there were no ruins or war on the other side; just silly men (boys, really) laughing their hearts out.

“Earth to Steve… I don’t know about you, but I’m dying to see what the hell that envelope is hiding. Especially now that we know about its time stamp.”

“I’m sorry, me too! Gabe drunkenly handling that old camera and those glass plaques the way he did? I’m honestly impressed that he was able to take any pictures at all,” he muses. “Shit, is it weird that I’m nervous?”

“I’m gonna save us the bantering because I’m nervous, too,” Bucky answers in all sincerity. “Truth is, Steve, I remember everything about that day.”

It’s a new admission, a newly opened door for them because for some reason, they have never talked about that peaceful surreal afternoon, and Steve nods in recognition as he silently goes for the envelope one-handed, not wanting to let go of Bucky’s hand because his surface is way cooler than his wrenching insides. Maybe the picture is an overexposed french wall but maybe…

The photo he extracts from the envelope is clearly the original and damaged one Emmanuelle specified in his letter. Anybody else looking at it would see nothing beyond Dernier’s blurry profile, but since Steve and Bucky were there when this was taken, they know exactly what moment Steve is holding in his hand.

“Buck,…” is all Steve can say, struck by the blurry keepsake.

Later in the afternoon when they had already consumed most of the wine and there was not a single coherent thought left in the room, one of the guys took the parish books and besottedly announced that there was a wedding set for today… thirty years ago. Alcohol fueled a goofy idea that escalated at the speed of light, with Morita saying they were going to a wedding because they deserved a celebration, Dernier confessing that he had once considered becoming a priest, and Dum-dum bringing out all the old fashioned clothes from the wardrobe and deciding they were getting nice and clean for the festivities.

“That’s clearly Dernier in the picture killing it in his priest role, right?” Bucky says, half smiling and interrupting Steve’s thoughts. “You know, I went all-in with that fake wedding party. I was laughing to tears when I saw you put on that ridiculously long and ill-fitting jacket from the 10s, feeling weightless and silly for the first time since sailing off, and God knows we all deserved that. And it was all safe and light-hearted until fucking Morita decided you had to be the groom, and...”

“Were you jealous because I won the dashing groom competition?”

Steve’s attempt at a joke is weak, but there’s truth behind it: Morita chose Steve as the groom (“Cap, you are the most dashing and the least drunk”) to a chorus of excited voices cheering for him. Somebody else, most likely Dum-Dum, chose the rest of the roles (Sarge, best man duty; Jones, camera; Morita, keep the wine flowing; the rest of you, misbehave!) and in the blink of an eye, they were all going outside laughing under a light rain, and about to celebrate Steve’s fictional wedding to nobody.

“How could I be jealous?” Bucky cuts in. “Do you remember all you said to me that afternoon? During World War II and in front of a battalion of men?”

“I was drunk.”

“Fuck you!” Bucky disentangles his hand from Steve’s to use both of them to hold Steve’s face and kiss him with violence. “Tell me. Do you remember what you said?”

As if he could ever forget. He can recall every step he took from the house to the makeshift wedding spot amidst the trees where his best man (looking dapper even in that ludicrous jacket) was laughing along Dernier. He can still smell the petrichor, can still sense the blush coloring his cheeks while hoping nobody noticed and can still hear the beating of his heart when Bucky handed him a battered umbrella (“You don’t deserve to get rained on your wedding day, punk”) and a fucking ring made out his shoelaces (“You’ll have to buy something a little more permanent.”). And then…

“Dernier started the ceremony and he wanted to know if I had somebody in mind and I said ‘of course’.” He replays, his voice barely a whisper. “I said I’d had my eyes on a brown-haired Brooklynite since before I could remember. I said that I was pretty sure those blue eyes were set on mine too and that hopefully those eyes would be set enough to want to marry me even if I had never dared to ask.”

He’s been holding Bucky’s gaze the whole time, and he’s far from over yet, but he needs to fucking breathe before he goes on. Neither of them has moved a muscle for the past minute.

“Then he asked me to repeat the wedding vows after him and…”

“And you said Buck, right?”, Bucky interrupts, voice winded. “You fucking whispered I take you, Buck, as my lawful wedded husband till the end of the line. I heard, Steve. Even if the rest of the world didn’t, I did. But you never said anything, so I always deemed it impossible, a product of the corniest nook of my mind trying to outweigh all those bad things, because not even you could be as bold, reckless, and mushy as to do that,…it’s my fucking fault, I should have known better!”

“Not completely reckless, pal. I was scared shitless as I said those words, but what else could I do? You were right by my side about to put a ring on my finger as my “best man”, everyone, including you, supposedly drunk past recollection, and everybody else too far away to hear my whispers. It was such an easy choice in the end because truth should always win over fear. And those vows were. The truth.”

“You have always been too honest for your own good, Rogers,” Bucky is breathless and exasperated and goes for his mouth again, bringing in all he (they) couldn’t in 1944. “You destroyed me, Steve. My knees were as weak as a teenager’s in front of his first crush. I wanted to kiss you so badly when I heard you say all that there in the open… and I couldn’t even acknowledge it.”

“I know. And for what it's worth, I really thought you didn’t remember.”

It is too much. Is it normal to feel this much? Steve would blame it on the serum enhancements, but he was already overwhelmed at 16, so that’s clearly not the answer.

He craves, no, he needs touching, grounding, closer. Bucky. There’s too much space between them even if they are back to kissing like they would have that day in 44, and at any other time if their own lives wouldn’t have stolen those moments from them.

“It happened.” Bucky whimpers, biting on Steve’s lip who abandons his own stool to straddle him, both of them gasping in sync at the feeling of their cocks, hard against each other’s through their soft pants.

Bucky soon ups the stakes by carding his metal hand through Steve’s hair pulling his head backwards to help himself into that spot on his neck.

“Same two moles as when you were tiny, as when we were at that war... Your cute vampire bite. Favorite spot.” He licks on them with the tip of his tongue. Steve growls on cue and Bucky giggles. “Favorite chain reaction.”

“Buck, you cheater, you know what that does to me!” Steve cries out followed by Bucky’s evil chuckle.”Bed, couch, countertop,…I don’t care, but naked. Now. Stained pants due to heavy petting are too much of a trip down memory lane for me. Let me keep a bit of my dignity.”

Steve stands up liberating Bucky from his grip but aching at the loss of contact.

They are naked and making out in the middle of the kitchen in no time; Bucky steadily pushing him against the refrigerator while fiercely grinding against his crotch.

“Hey, ‘teve,” Bucky pants. “The way this is going, it’s my dignity now that's at risk. I don’t think I can make it further than the floor before I come.”

Steve groans into his mouth just at the thought and they start sliding to the floor the best they can until he’s a human blanket moving over Bucky. With no lube at hand, and no time, that’s their best option.

They kiss and kiss and kiss, his hands not leaving Bucky’s sweaty hair. Bucky’s hands on his ass, forcing their groins closer with one while he (almost absently) plays around his hole with the other, driving Steve crazy in the process. Dicks left to do their own thing through pressure and friction. Everything is working. And fast.

“Oh, fuck!” Bucky exclaims “Can you promise me all this stuff with the letter was real and not a long-con plan to assure your fragile masculinity that I love you more than I love that espresso machine?”

That. That silly unfunny excuse of a joke that screams Bucky all over is what pushes Steve all the way over the edge. He fucking laughs as he comes making absolutely embarrassing sounds, pressing their foreheads and noses together until it hurts, and shaking from head to toe without stoping his pressure on the stupid and smug man under him. His lover. His partner. His unofficial husband. His best friend.

His Buck.

“There’s still too much blood in your brain if you can play that dirty,” Steve states, placing one hand between them grabbing Bucky’s hard cock. “Let’s see if I can do anything about it.”

“Your hand, usually so helpful, but I was already following you after that sound you make when you come and laugh at the same time, shit, it always goes straight to my dick, I’m,…” he keeps talking with difficulty between breaths and moans until he leaves his speech unfinished coming all over Steve’s fist.

They kiss on the lips breathing into each other before Steve rolls over. They are sticky and panting in silence, spread on their kitchen’s floor, Steve’s shoulders crushed between Bucky’s and the dishwasher. Domestic bliss at its most literal.

One lavish fuck and two showers later they reemerge into the kitchen in search of something to eat: Bucky is in charge of the food today, while Steve cleans the mess they left a couple of hours ago.

He’s decluttering the counter when their damaged picture laying there puts a smile on his face but also reminds him of the restored version presumably still waiting inside the disregarded letter, so he grabs the envelope to retrieve its contents: one photocopy (from Dernier’s original writing), and the promised photo.

And it is restored. Everything is clear where it was blurry before: Dernier (so deep into his priest impersonation that he’s not even looking at them), the trees, the battered umbrella, the ridiculous jackets… and them.

“You had the nerve to call me reckless and mushy, Buck?” Steve laughs as he stares at the picture where a very young Bucky is about to put a ring on his finger with the least subtle lovestruck expression he’s ever seen (“and it’s for you”, his brain proudly reminds him) “Wow, you might as well be kissing me there, anything would be more subtle than this!”

“Don’t shame me, you punk, especially not when you were the one responsible for breaking my brain back then!” Bucky answers coming from behind and stealing the picture from his hands to scrutinize it. Goofy grin and raging blush quickly taking over his face. “But you’re one to talk, Cap. You are gazing at that shoelace’s ring as if I were handing you a diamond tiara!”

Steve laughs softly at that and moves his right hand to his pocket, feeling the weight of the little compass he had retrieved earlier from one of his drawers. He used to carry it with him everywhere for comfort, but he has a better option now.

“Didn't you know that shoelaces are forever?” He asks, taking the compass out of his pocket and holding it in both hands as he opens it, nudging Bucky with his elbow to get his attention.

Bucky is confused for an instant while he looks at his young face staring at them from inside the little box. Of course he knew that (he made fun of Steve for days and days) but Steve detects the change in his expression when he notices the other thing.

“Wow, you gigantic sap,” Bucky says, taking the compass out of his hands to double-check he is seeing what he thinks he’s seeing. “You saved my shoelace.”

He had. While they were all celebrating his wedding under the rain dancing to no music, he quietly slipped the little string off his finger and tied it to the most secure place he had back then.

“It’s not a shoelace, you jerk, it’s a symbol. A declaration.” He laughs, stealing the compass back to safely pocket it again.

“You are delusional,” Bucky snorts, kissing the top of his head. But he’s widely smiling and lost in thought as he goes back to their sandwiches.

Steve stays on the spot enjoying the peace in their silent companionship, his focus on the latest news showing up on his phone, the text he’s writing to Sam and the comforting sounds of Bucky moving around the kitchen.

“You might have married me, but I never actually married you.” Bucky blurts out of the blue a bit later, sitting by his side as he hands him a plate with a sandwich and some grilled greens on it. “Do you want mayo with that?”

“Uh?” Steve forgets all about the news and the text and looks at Bucky in confusion.

“Mayo, do you want some?” Bucky repeats nonchalantly.

“No mayo, thank you; but I was actually more interested in the other part, you know, that thing about marriage?”

Bucky looks him in the eye: earnest, blushing and with the same look of smug adoration he had on the picture.

“Oh, that part.” He jokes. “You apparently married me in 1944, but I never married you back. And I would like to.”

“Marry me?” Steve asks and Bucky visibly nods.

“I’m sorry for throwing the idea at you like this, books tell me I'm supposed to have candles, music, and a ring, but you showed me that restored picture and I couldn't stop thinking about it, about proof,” Bucky speaks uncharacteristically slow and very softly, voice trembling here and there while he claps his hand with Steve’s finger by finger for reassurance and as a distraction. “A single photo had the power to transform a moment that existed just as a made-up happy place inside my mind into something tangible and real. Something that would be tangible and real for anybody getting a hold on it and looking at our stupid faces.”

“So stealthy,” Steve says, and they both laugh together.

“Proof, Steve. I was slicing tomatoes and thinking how there’s so much evidence, thousands of files! out there proving that all the stuff that fuels my nightmares were real, but nothing solid about this. Us.” Bucky stops for a moment collecting his thoughts, still smiling even with the heavy subject he just dropped into the mix. “Sorry, I believe I put more time into these sandwiches than into thinking this all the way through so I’m…”

“Take your time, we’ve gone from mayo to marriage to nightmares in five minutes so don’t worry, you have me hooked here.”

Steve makes Bucky laugh again as he intended, and he feels their calloused laced fingers immediately squeezing closer.

“It’s stupid because it doesn’t change anything for us but,.. I don’t fucking know, Steve, I think that picture has messed up with my mind! I instantly found comfort in the idea of people finding facts beyond the nightmares now or in the future. An easy to understand, universal and oversimplified proof of how much I loved you and how much I was loved in return.” Bucky takes a breath and stares at him sporting a million-watt smile. “Marrying you,… I would really love that. And for real this time.”

“Ok, Buck.” Steve instantly replies, eagerness winning over thoughtful and heartfelt declarations. He tightens the grip on their joined hands to drive them to his lips and seals the easiest answer he’s ever had to give.

And it's done!Sorry for the cavities, for going on with the fic when it should have ended and for ending it where it might have had to keep going. It was painful and fun. I'm free!

[fallynleaf]

one of the most interesting media experiences i’ve had lately has been reading Emma in real time. it started back in september, and we’re about 100-ish pages into the book by this point. i’ve seen at least four Emma adaptions (including Clueless), but had never actually read the book before. it’s not my favorite Jane Austen story. i’ve actually really been enjoying reading it like this, though. i’m getting way more out of the book than i got out of any of the adaptions, though i can’t tell if that’s because the book is conveying the story better, or if i’m just appreciating it more because i’m taking so much time with it (the blog organizing this guided reading posts in-depth analysis accompanying every single update. it’s pretty fascinating).

one thing i think the book does better than the adaptions, though, is that we get to see more into Emma’s own head instead of viewing the characters more externally. i don’t know if she’s more “likeable” this way, but it is easier to understand her, i think. she’s more compelling this way for sure.

something i said at the beginning is that this is essentially experiencing Emma as wrestling, and i completely stand by that observation. one of the most unique things about wrestling is that the medium operates in real time. when a wrestler is sick or injured, you have to wait out every minute of that time with them. holidays like Christmas and Halloween happen in wrestling the same time they happen in real life. twitter fights play out over real hours. no fictional world is as richly fleshed out as the kayfabe world of wrestling because it has exactly as many hours of content as our own reality.

of course, reading a book in real time doesn’t quite replicate this experience. but it can come close. basically since the beginning, we’ve been waiting for Frank Churchill to arrive, and he’s still not here lol. Jane Fairfax just arrived today-ish, though she won’t visit Hartfield for another few days. just like the characters have to wait for these things, so do we as the readers. it’s an effective way of building anticipation to these events, because you can’t just skip ahead and fast-forward in time.

the beginning chunk of Emma spends a lot of time on the Mr. Elton sideplot. if you know anything about the plot of Emma, watching this play out is like watching a slow-motion train wreck, lol. reading it in real time was especially agonizing. i feel like you notice all of the details so much more. it draws out the ultimate humiliation at the end for all of the characters.

it was also interesting reading about Emma’s sister visiting for Christmas when my own brother was in town for the holidays. i had that moment of “wow, what a coincidence that i’m reading about this now,” and then i remembered that the timeline of the book was deliberately lined up with our real calendar, haha. i read about the characters worrying about the snow as our own weather was cold and snowy, and my brother was worrying about driving back over the mountain passes.

the guided analysis posts mention the themes of health and sickness in the book. this is something that is also impossible not to think about now. Emma’s father and sister have a lot of health anxiety and they spent a long time arguing about it, and those conversations hit way too close to home in the year 2021. their distress feels real and believable in a year where severe health anxiety has become commonplace out of necessity. when Harriet is sick and has to miss Christmas, i experienced extra worry for her before i reminded myself that it couldn’t be covid, because covid didn’t exist yet. not that there weren’t plenty of other common illnesses back then that could also kill you!

in any case, reading this has been a cool experience, and i’m really glad i tried it out. it’s very little time out of my day to follow along, and it’s a supremely cool way to experience the story. this probably won’t be the last time i post about it, but i wanted to get some of my thoughts so far written down before i forget them.

[en-theheights]

I’m a little late, but Andi Mack literally ended two years ago, and that is like the craziest thing ever.

i’m still super appreciative of this fandom and everything that as a collective whole we’ve been through. we’ve had plenty of ups and down, but i feel like we all came together to try and save this incredible story, and although we didn’t, it still just showed how much of an impact this show had on us that we reached the head of Disney Channel and Hulu (I know Hulu was SICK of us lol)

but with that being said..

I have more news that might shock everybody, but as a person that has just graduated high school and having a very present understanding of the way in which it kind of works, I would like to put out a shocking statement…

I believe that TJ and Cyrus are no longer together (and most likely Buffy and Marty as well).

Now, in a perfect fictional world, yes they probably would still be together, but what are the chances that a relationship started in middle school would continue to go on strong in high school?

By now, the Mack gang are all going to be Juniors in high school, so they’re bound to have found new friends, new clubs, new organizations, and new opportunities, which sometimes sadly comes with a growing distance between people.

Now let’s look closely at this. Granted, they actually started dating the summer before freshman year, but still, I stand by my statement that they’re not together. It’s kind of like Connor and Jude’s situation in The Fosters, they were the only two gay people they knew, and because of that, they were bound to end up together. but now, having expanded their horizon to new people, I think they would’ve started to grow apart little by little until they realized that they didn’t have very much in common, as well as the relationship starting to drift apart.

With TJ playing basketball, and Cyrus possibly joining a film club of some sort, they just start to not have as much time together. TJ’s friends are total opposites of Cyrus’ so trying to hang as a group was basically out of the question. while they had Buffy and Jonah, that was kind of it (I didn’t include Andi cause technically she’s at that art school and i’m talking about hanging at school).

let’s also look at this in a hypothetical way. If Andi Mack was to have been picked up for another season on Hulu, they probably would’ve started filming in September of 2019 (let’s also pretend that none of the actors were busy with other work) and they take a few moths to film, so it would’ve ended production possibly in January or February of 2020 (before the pandemic) and maybe had a few setback in post production cause of Covid, but still, season 4 comes out in like May or June of 2020. Hulu usually releases all episodes at once, so we would’ve gotten to watch all however-many-episodes in a day or two. hooray, it did really good and we’re getting another season. Now, because we are face-plant in the middle of a pandemic, the show would probably be delayed for a good few month and not start production until let’s say October or November of 2020. they finish in March or April due to some more difficulties, but the new season would probably be airing soon, about August or September of this year. Knowing Andi Mack, they’re going to have to have some type of plot that’s going to come in between Tyrus, whether that be another person, or what I was talking about. There’s no way that Tyrus is just this rainbow-sunshine-happy couple that haven’t had any hardships and a possible break up at this point.

I’m betting that the breakup either happened somewhere in the midst of Sophmore year or the summer before junior year, but i’m going with the first option. I don’t think the breakup would’ve been bad, in fact, I think they would’ve both agreed that them breaking up was for the best. Now, usually exes don’t stay friends, but i’ll leave them as that since this is a children’s show we’re talking about. I think both of them would’ve moved on eventually, Cyrus probably dating some nerdy techie guy and TJ might be dating some closeted athlete (sorry but this is high school we’re talking about, and lowkey TJ might be closeted too seeing as he’s playing a very toxic masculine sport. Only the ones super close to him knew about his relationship with Cyrus)

same goes for Buffy and Marty. They already had their many ups and downs before they even started dating, and they would’ve a hundred percent broken up.

I also thing that the Mack gang wouldn’t be close anymore like they use to and they most definitely don’t hang out like the use to, but i’ll save that for another post haha.

That’s just sadly the real world, and for somebody who started with a whole ass group of friends at the beginning of high school to now really only having one close friend, I can for sure say that nothing stays the same from middle school. (i’m sure there are some friend groups from MS out there that are still friends, but it’s probably REALLY rare).

lol, hope y’all liked my TED talk.

[mylyricpages]

INTERVIEW WITH JEFF SCOTT # 8 ( 2023 )

“After twenty years I keep thinking what else is there left to write about, but to my constant surprise life keeps providing inspiration.”

Barely a year after ‘On The Outside Looking In’ James Ellis is releasing not just one but two new lyric collections. “I had my doubts if I’d even do a collection this year,” he tells Jeff Scott, “but I ended up with more stuff than I knew what to do with.”

IT’S AN UNUSUALLY hot morning in early September, the nation basking in an unexpected heat wave after weeks of unsettled weather. Mercifully though, there’s a cool breeze bringing some slight relief. Caswell Bay, Swansea is brimming with activity, families filling up the beach, dipping in the sea, and across the way car after car arrives in a constant stream. We got here early. We’re sat outside the Surfside Café, queues are building at the nearby ice cream parlour and there’s already bustling going on at the local surf school hut.

I’m sat with here James Ellis, who’s picked this splendid piece of the Gower coast to talk about his two new lyric collections. Yes, that’s two, the first time he’s written more than one in the same year since 2013. “It caught me by surprise,“ he says. As you probably know by this point we’ve done this a fair few times before. You know the story, he finishes a new project, I interview him. It’s worked pretty well since 2012. We’ve talked life, music, his books, his comics, we’ve even collaborated on two volumes of his memoirs, but today, it’s the lyrics again.

It’s been a busy time for both of us lately and unlike our usual meet ups our time today is short. So quickly we get down to business, him with his coke zero, me with a fresh brew. We’ve agreed to dive pretty much straight into the songs albeit this time around we’re doing things a little differently and discussing them in the order they were written.

We begin with the 15 ‘songs’ on the first collection ’We Are Ascending.’

‘DEAR LIFE’

This was the first thing I wrote at the tail end of spring, pretty much in the last days of May. It was written alongside a very early version of ‘Twilight’s Last Stand,’ which was far longer and called ‘Shadowlands’ then.

For this collection I originally had a bunch of lyrical themes I wanted to explore but once ’Dear Life’ was done that idea didn’t work for me anymore.

I guess I felt like I’d explored that way of doing things well enough with ‘On The Outside Looking In’ and going forward I decided I’d let whatever was going to come out just come out and get the hell out of its way.

It’s basically about me writing a letter to life and asking a few questions.

‘BROKEN TEETH’

If anything represents the themes of ‘We Are Ascending’ I think it’s this. What I realised in writing ‘Dear Life’ is that this collection was going to be more about how I see the world, about what’s going on around me, rather than what’s going on inside me. ‘On The Outside …’ was very much an introspective thing and I realised while writing ‘Dear Life’ that I wanted to get away from that way of doing it for a bit. From that point it became very much about the times we’re living in. Once I figured that out I knew I had something I could explore.

I’ve had the first verse since the early part of the ‘Electric Hymns’ sessions, I’ve just struggled to find a good place for it until I realised it was actually an opening verse. Once I figured that out the rest just flowed. It’s pretty much about our current digital age and social media.

‘WE BREATHE/ WE BREATHE ( REPRISE )’

It started out as one song as these things often do, but when I got around to typing it up proper it seemed too long. I liked everything in it though. It had a significant middle section which was what I basically pulled out for the reprise but there were still a few verses that didn’t make it. As it turned out I liked the way having a reprise gave a little more cohesion to the collection, with things echoing a bit.

Both parts are about our relationship with the world around us, how we relate to it in both good and bad ways. They’re about the current not so good path we seem to be on but I made sure it had some hope too.

‘GHOST OF A TOWN’

Written about my hometown. Much I love it, there’s no getting around the fact that it’s become a ruin of its former self. Empty shops, half empty streets, buildings falling apart, it just has a general sense of neglect. It’s not a shit hole by any means, not yet, but it feels like it’s at a point where it could certainly go that way. It’s been one bad local authority decision after another for decades since I was young.

It’s a place with a rich history. It was a brilliant, thriving market town when I was growing up but for reasons I’ll never fathom anything that made it unique or historically interesting has been taken away and its soul has been eroded. I just wanted to capture the feeling I get when I go there now. It’s not a ghost town but there’s a sense of it you can’t deny. People are fighting to keep it alive and I admire that too.

The title popped into my head one day when I was walking through the streets and it kind of perfectly summed up how I felt in that moment.

‘INTERMISSION # 1 & #2’

I wanted two really short pieces, something I hadn’t done for a while. I think the words have a kind of music hall feel to them but I’m no expert on that so I could be wrong. Early on I considered splitting the collection into three parts. When that idea later solidified I thought it might be nice to have these little intermissions, maybe just a verse, to end acts 1 and 2. I basically used the template for Intermission # 1 to write # 2 as I wanted them to be companion pieces.

‘MINISTRY OF LIGHT’

This came out of Intermission # 1 as I was figuring out how that was going to go. There was a bunch of lyrics that didn’t sit right in it but I quite liked and I was pretty sure I could still do something with them.

I have to be honest here and say I’m still not sure what this song is about. I know I wanted to write something that was a kind of hopeful thing, a mantra of sorts, about shining a light on things instead of throwing shadow over them, about veering more to the positive side of things. I wanted a kind of communal feeling to it. I’m not sure I captured what I was after but it‘s still got stuff in it I really like.

‘KING WITHOUT A CROWN’

King Without A crown started out very differently. It sprang from a random few lines I wrote down which went something like ‘You lived your life/ you lived your life so well/ you were a king without a crown.’ It was originally about someone I knew, someone who died suddenly and died far too young, but it wasn’t working, not like I’d hoped it would anyway, and as I rewrote, it became much more of a universal thing. Who knows, I may still get to use those lines one day.

‘A SYMPATHETIC SOUND’

Some of the verses are from the original version of ‘We Are Ascending,’ which I wrote around the same time as ‘Dear Life’ and the original version of ‘Twilight’s Last Stand,’ and quite frankly that version didn’t work. I liked the verses so I kept them until I found a suitable place.

It’s about the daily struggle we all go through in our lives but also about that sense we always feel that things will somehow get better, that sense of hope that we’ll always turn a corner toward something better.

‘WE ARE ASCENDING’

This updated version came directly out of writing ‘A Sympathetic Sound.’ On revisiting the original version of this I realised, in a real light bulb moment, how I could get to the version I’d been trying to write in the first place. Once I’d figured that out the rest of just flowed.

The theme of it came out of ‘A Sympathetic Sound’ too. In a way it feels they’re two halves of the same thing. They’re about the same thing.

‘A NATIONAL ADDRESS’

A bit of a tricky one this. I had no idea how I felt about organised religion or the Church itself until the words hit the page. I have to admit I debated with myself about putting this out into world as I don’t want to offend anyone. Faith is one thing, everyone has faith in something, friends, family, God, we’re spiritual beings at heart, but when a group starts dictating to people how they should live their lives, embrace something they don’t believe in, that’s where I draw a line.

I’m not attacking anyone’s belief system, just how it’s corrupted by certain elements of certain institutions to further their own agenda. It was surprising how fast and how easily it all came together to be honest.

‘ALCHEMY’

Now this came easily and nearly fully formed, unexpectedly so and it’s always nice when that happens as mostly it can be like pulling teeth.

The chorus came first, then a few days later the verses. I already had the ‘beauty in the tragic’ part and that just slotted in really nicely as if it belonged. It’s about how we remember those who’ve gone, about how we deal with that and how we keep their memory alive, for them and us.

‘SWIMMING NOT TO DROWN’

Written in bits and pieces over about a week. It didn’t exactly come in order either, nothing was where I felt it should be and it took a few more days once I had those bits and pieces to figure out how it all fitted.

It was only on putting the finishing touches to it that I realised what it was about. As with a fair few songs in the sessions for ‘We Are Ascending’ it’s about having hope in things, that whatever’s getting us down we’ll get through it by helping ourselves and helping each other.

‘THE CLASS OF 23’

There was going to be a completely different song in the position this takes up in the collection but my nephew was just finishing up in secondary school for good, which of course, is a big moment in his life.

I wanted to mark that somehow and the words just came tumbling out in a few hours. It’s certainly the song that took the least time on this collection, but it felt fully formed as soon as I put the words down.

*