#we were better friends when we were kids
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when you stay up too late and suddenly you're unloved :/
#i feel like i don't have barely any friends and the friends i do have always have a lot more friends than me and i feel really lonely#i feel like i only really have two friends and they don't need me as much as i need them#i'm always the one reaching out and G- at least has so many friends it makes me feel like a fucking hermit but she always says i'm one of#her closest friends but i don't feel like it. she barely even knows me. she posts with her other friends all the time and i know online#isn't reflective of irl but god there's so way she's as cripplingly fucking lonely as i feel#and neither G- or A- really get me anymore#we were better friends when we were kids#i can't believe i'm fucking saying this but i kinda miss middle school#i swear i was happier then. at least i kinda had a friend group and i could spend time w them#weird to try and join stuff and i feel like i'm always coming across as desperate#i'm so scared when i get to college i'm just not gonna make friends and i'll be even worse off#i'm so scared when i get to college i'm just#god i feel so lonely all the time and it's stupid because people /do/ care about me but i'm just shitty at all this#i think i'm good at seeming like i don't want/need to have a big circle but fuck i feel like i don't have anyone#and i know i have a girlfriend but. i feel like a horrible person for saying this but she's more in love with me than i am with her#i really do love her but i also feel like we don't even know each other that well even tho we've been dating for more than a year#and the thing is idk if i wanna be known by ppl. whenever i even kinda hint at certain stuff about me i freeze and wanna shut it down#immediately#it makes me scared i'm gonna be lonely the rest of my life and just hate existing but not be able to kms because of my family#idk i've had this weird sort of feeling i'm gonna die in my late 20s/early 30s so maybe i won't have to deal w it
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some men are textbook villains fr
#tw religion?#kinda need to rant.. kinda wanna explain what's going on#some ppl are part of humanity but don't know how to be humane... like the guy i started talking to almost 2 weeks ago#liked him a lot bc he was funny sickeningly sweet mature and understanding.. until he was not#tl dr version is that we somehow drifted to the topic religion and i told him im not too religious and don't believe in superstition much#i was extremely respectful and even when he said that he does believe a lot i was like 'thats cool!! different people believe in different#things!!' and at first it was a normal convo until man went all psycho on me (after one damn week!!!) and started talking about how#id have to be religious in a relationship with him.. my dude i barely know your fav food can we not talk about relationships yet#but he says he doesn't even need a woman who cooks/cleans just someone who believes.. n im like i get it but i can't change myself like that#and then guy moves to marriage and is all 'well my entire family is religious' n my mom and sister (who's 16) would be putting pressure on#you n force you to pray etc.. and I'm like???? who can force anyone to a thing like that are u kidding#things escalate and my absolute STUPID ass tells him about my deepest fkn trauma to explain what made me abandon religion bc#life just never got better and this trauma remained for yrs... and he gets so angry that he says he wants to stop talking to me just to spam#me all day next day.. he'd keep messaging me switching between 'i still want you we shouldn't throw this away i have feelings for you'#AFTER A WEEEEEEKKKK!!! and then goes back to 'i wasted my time with you you were so unnecessary im in a bad mood bc of you'#even said 'you'll never find a guy with a trauma and mindset like this. i will find a religious girl but no one will love you like that'#and the worst thing is that he told his friends and mom about the trauma i had just to spite me.. note that he promised to never tell anyone#(and then still asked for forgiveness and for me to rethink whether we want to end this after telling me 473626x he wanted to end it)#(nothing even ever started you bitchass)#also note that his mom knows my mom n basically most of my relatives.. so i was here trembling for days fearing they'd get to know about it#mom somehow convinced her to not tell anyone bc it's important to me and very very fucking personal..#but he harassed me all day - i wouldn't answer and he'd send 55 messages.. multiple missed calls like dude i got so fkn scared#my heart jumped whenever he texted he was so fkn aggressive and SO MEAN#'you just needed to adjust and we would've been okay' 'tell me are u gonna fkn be religious or not????' 'you ruined everything' kinda mean#i just :') it was the worst time and i don't think i've ever seen someone degrade me so much or make me feel this defective#but.. it's finally over. his mom called my mom and mine was like pls teach him some manners.. n since i couldn't and wouldn't text him back#and literally avoided whatsapp bc of him she ended it all for me and now it's hopefully done forever#anyway i saw jks gcf performance yday n him singing still with you put a genuine smile on my face.. ill stick to THAT boyfriend honestly lol#def gonna delete later#but ty for reading if u did <3
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never thought i'd hear chk chk boom be played at our school field on the speakers but we gone done it lol
#we're basically having sports week at our school and all of our days are spent at the field#and they were making the kids play musical chair AS A SPORT (😭) but we were having fun because they started playing songs on the speakers#while everyone was busy cheering me and my friends started chanting 'change the song! change the song!" LMAO#and it was so fun seeing others join haha#its not like our school didn't play kpop. its just the usual gangnam style and SOME bts songs if we're lucky#but usually its just random songs i feel like the sir was just scrolling through insta reels and chose whatever he was watching 😭😭#WE SUCESSFULLY MADE THEM PLAY APT BY ROSE#we started chanting 'A-P-T!' continuously and then EVERYBODY JOINED IN IT WAS SO FUN#and maybe he found a kpop playlist via that because then he played dynamite lol#BUT THEN one of my teachers called me aside for some discussion regarding the prep for the next days and then while shes talking to me#I HEAR CHK CHK BOOM PLAYING HDASHDASJK#my stay friends came up to me to call me but then they saw things were v serious between the teachers and all so they started smirking/groa#-ing#RAHH I MISSED IT THE FIRST TIME AND THE FOMO WAS HITTING ME HARD#but THEN after a few rounds of some desi item songs THEY PLAYED IT AGAINDHAHDA#i had a religious experience listening to chan's pre-chorus on the loud speakers. thats all ill say#we were literally rapping in gibberish and i literally fell on my knees when chan's part came up im not even embarrassed 😭😭#and it was so surprising to me to see everyones reaction because they were like oh! ur a kpop stan! oh! like i feel their whole perception#of me has changed somehow 💀 cant say if its for the better or worse loll#but all that matters was i got to experience this religious moment with my friends cuz im just a girl🙇♀️🎀#(also cuz it was musical chairs they stopped playing just before the chorus 😥 but that didn't stop us from screaming the whole song heheh)#stray kids#skz#personal
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Atla live action 😐
#thats my honest reaction 😐#to be fair ive only seen 20 minutes of the s1 finale bc my parents are watching it but. mmmmm kinda mid#like. the casting is definitely an improvement since the last time they tried a live action but it feels like the writing falls flat#or maybe im being harsh bc ive only heard negative criticism on it beforehand. but fr anytime u bring up the original its already#good and not just because its the original. so much fucking detail went into it to the point of someone noticing azula wielding mai's knive#to how well thought out irohs character is used as a way of uniting the cast especially as zukos foil#i heard that sokkas sexism was toned down and i have to agree that feels like a cheap move. like i get WHY they think it would be better#but its not about how that reflects on real world its about how it affects the story. sokka starts out as a misogynistic asshole because#it makes it that much more impactful when he changes. toning that down makes it flatter and makes his character development weak#and someone pointed out they didnt even make him wear the kyoshi warrior uniform and i know it feels like such a small detail but#come on man. they did that in the original because not only does it help him really walk in their shoes - wearing 'feminine' clothing and#makeup and having suki explain its significance but it also ties in with the shows theme of harmony and intersectionality#i was also disappointed when they had the fire sages explain how the water tribe draws power from the moon because in the original it was#IROH who explained it to aang and everyone else BECAUSE we as the audience is under the impression hes with the 'bad guys'#and it builds up to how he learned from the other nations which reconciles his past as a war general and his character overall#AND its an excellent starting point for the cast and audience to understand how the nations arent as closed off as you would think#plus you would think its only fire nation doing propaganda but they expanded on that with earth kingdom censorship and it WORKS#a lot of things in the live action also feel arbitrary like. they gave momo a near death experience for 5 minutes for no reason#im firmly on the stance of bringing back filler moments instead of putting major events right after each other so that u give your#audience a sense of time passing and to really absorb the story. but i think thats more like shock value than filler and yeah its a small#thing to gripe about but those things build up and its really annoying. the thing abt avatar filler moments is that however small#its at least meaningful. hell even the beach episode emphasizes how isolated zuko and his friends are as child soldiers#i also swore to never watch the first live action since it was that bad but i really liked the stylized tattoos they used for aang#anyway. those arejust my thoughts. im not gonna watch the rest because im a ride or die for the original aftr growing up and#rewatching it at least 20 times as a kid. but theres definitely room for improvement and i wish ppl wouldnt take it as 'better' just cuz#netflix is adapting it. i wouldve killed for them to just reanimate the entire avatar series and touch NOTHING ELSE no redub#no changes to the story. just reanimate the thing and leave the rest alone and youd make easy money just the same#ALSO its very jarring not hearing jack desena and dante basco voicing sokka and zuko cause their voices were the most recognizable to me#i get that its because its live action but im allowed to feel a little sad abt that. and uncle irohs accent was really soothing#yapping
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i think its okay for people to be upset when people who were important to their childhood die. like, its not impossible for people to be upset about someone dying and to be upset that said person was also a bad individual. people are multifaceted and i think social media has warped the way a lot of you treat grief and those around you as a whole.
#tw : death#tw : abuser#liam payne#one direction#don't get me wrong im absolutely elated that the world is free of another POS but it did make me worry for some of my old friends#i actually ended up reaching out to one of them from elementary (she's okay) because i knew how much he meant to her when we were kids#sometimes i wish people would stop and think for a moment.#in general yeah but also when it comes to situations like this#people are so quick to judge others and pull the “well *i* obviously knew better because im better than all of you”#especially when things like this happen#and in part i think social media is to blame#not that i haven't done the exact same shit (because i absolutely have) but like. christ.#i don't think a 28y/o should be calling a 14y/o a disgusting person for being upset and having very normal human emotions.#(<— referencing a post i saw on twitter unfortunately)#rambling#long tags#too many tags
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i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao
#shes cool and i dont want to lose her and i know Logically i love her but atm i feel so strange towards her#and idk what to do abt it bc i know in the past ive like...over-communicated a lot and over the last few yrs ive been trying to not do that#bc thats an anxious impulse i think .so like . self control#AND IMPORTANTLY . i may actually be the problem here ?? ok again i love her i dont want to lose her etc but basically ive noticed a pattern#which is that whenever she gets a bf/a man (even fwb) in her life she basically stops talking to me and the limited interactions we do have#become abt him. and while i support her it is acc too much. like we barely talked while she was w her ex bf until he became abusive and#then we talked a lottt like all our convos understandably were abt him . and then when they broke up we kept hanging out so i didnt rly see#the pattern there but still she seemed to centre men a lot in her life like sbe was excited to not date and find herself and then#immediately afterwards started seeing this other guy with whom shes basically in a relationship now#hes nice and all but like . HES ALL SHE TALKS ABT . actually we barely talk atp but when we do its abt him#she sends me reels sometimes but its all abt being jealous abt him etc . and shes bi but she said she doesnt like the idea of dating women#bc theyre scary . and i thought she was kidding in the ohhh women r so beautiful that theyre intimidating way but no she was being entirely#fr . she explained jts bc she was bullied by a girl in the past but like...bro ur ex bf literally abused you like surely you see men are#capable of just as much harm? but obvs who she dates is her own choice . but anyway she has consistently made plans w me then cancelled the#like an hr before . or asked to call me and then proceeded to not do so . when i ask her to meet/call its the same she just doesnt respond#or she cancels ? and while i understand anxiety sucks it feels SO WEIRD STILL . maybe im the problem slightly too bc ik i have no right to#feel this way but it rubs me the wrong way that ik she has so much time to spend w him/calls him all the time despite meeting him just a fe#months ago whereas i just have to like ...be ok w not actually having talked to her for a long time#its gotten to the point where when she says do you wanna meet/call i automatically respond yes and then just assume it doesnt happen . like#there have been several times over the past few months i double booked plans over when we were supposed to call/meet bc i was sure she#wouldnt show up and ive been right each time#like she sends me texts that she misses me or im her best friend etc etc occasionally and then acts rly . contrary to that ?#ive talked to her abt the issue w cancelling on me twice btw. when i was still dating the situationship person she would get sooo mad at#them for not respecting my time and shed tell me i deserve better etc etc and then like . she doesnt seem to respect my time at all#anyway she said she understand and she admits to like...being flaky etc but does nothing abt it#and its not like i can tell her to stop caring so much abt men bc we sorta had convos like that b4 she got This involved w this guy#and apparently it did nothing and the last thing i want is to police her relationships or get in her way#its just AUSHD AUGH#anyway i rly miss her it just doesnt feel the same at all anymore
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one of our dogs just bolted out the door and hit the end of her leash at like 7mph and slammed me into the doorframe on my way out and my whole family is telling me it's my fault for not watching what she was going to do or bracing myself well enough. both of which are things I did and do every time I put this dog on a leash because Great Pyrenees dogs are notorious for having awful leash manners.
#I need to get out of this place#the longer I live here as an adult the more I realize that we get along better when I'm Not in the house :/#unfortunately bc I love my parents and do believe they were really good when I was a kid and are doing a good job with my sister#it's just that apparently now that I'm an adult they... seem more disappointed in me/nitpicky/have less patience for me#than they did when I was Not An Adult???????#other adult friends weigh in is this just Me growing up and disagreeing with them more or them changing how they treat me#in very frustrating ways now that I'm an adult#Lu rambles#adulthood woes#gripin hours
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Ever seen a barn swallow and a wagtail interacting?
#they sat like this for ages#just looking at each other#until the swallow's parent showed up to chase the wagtail off#just two kids trying to understand each other#also never seen a swallow willingly sit on a flat surface like this#but it's likely pretty recently fledged#it was a little awkward about finding a better perch higher up when it's parent bullied it into moving#Barn swallows are one of my favourites after i found one when i was a teenager#grounded on the side of the road while riding my bike to a friend's house in the middle of a huge rain storm#i had dry socks with me in my pocket#so i stuffed it into one of them and carried it with me#both of us were drenched and bedraggled when we got there#after getting it warm and dry it was ringed and released the next day#always thought they were so beautiful
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2024 reads / storygraph
So Witches We Became
YA horror
a girl and her friends go on vacation to a house on a private Florida island, but when a strange mist and toxic tar surrounds them, trapping them there, they have to find a way to survive and/or escape
while she’s being haunted by a traumatic experience with her friend’s boyfriend - who just showed up - that she’s been unable to tell anyone about, and by a shadow from her childhood that she fears might have something to do with what’s happening
sapphic, explores complicated friendships, and surviving assault
#So Witches We Became#aroaessidhe 2024 reads#Ooh yeah I thought this was good!#the first half especially was super atmospheric and had some Very creepy horror moments.#I do wonder if it would have been better if the witchy stuff was a bit more ambiguous and just its own unique paranormal thing-#if it weren’t for the title I feel like it would have felt especially random. As it is; it felt a little basic; comparatively? idk.#(I did wonder for most of the book what witches had to do with anything).#A few aspects felt a little heavy handed & I wonder if they could have been handled with more subtlety? But maybe the directness is needed.#I kinda wish there was a bit more with Nell and Harper’s relationship over the weekend#obviously the build up of tension is the point but I wish we’d seen some of the positives of their friendship#not just the flashbacks to when they were kids; because it felt like such a sudden shift from resentment to friends again at the end#I just didn’t really have any empathy for harper for most of it especially with Gavin being SO blatantly and unsubtley horrible#(though I guess Nell’s POV was biased toward showing that for obvious reasons)#but those are two specific things - broadly speaking I enjoyed it a lot!#Yay for some love for zines! though “blogs/tumblr and the like had made them all but obsolete’ false!!!!! zinefests still go hard!!#sapphic books#ya horror
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han jisung answer my calls…. i want your vocals and your electric guitar too
#WENDY RUN AWAY WITH MEEEE he would EAT this up with literally minimum effort#i can be your stray kid.. your last chance.. your everything better plan…#the songs we loved when we were teens really never leave us huh 😮💨#textpost#stray kids#<- tagging for my friends blacklists <3 JDKJSKS you all really tolerate me so much ily
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goooood morning happy sunday!!! i hope u have a gr8 day hehe (˶ ˘ ³˘)ˆᵕ ˆ˶)
#deciding to lean into my love for hello kitty idc anymore#she’s so cute and my best friend and i LOVED her when we were kids#tbh i liked mimmy better but#it’s all good#hello kitty hello clari close enough 😌😌#anyway!!!! enjoy ur day!!! i have a bit of a sore throat which is CONCERNING but i think today i am going to order a matcha set#which is rly exciting hehehe :3#clari chatters
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I haven't been involved with coaching for almost 3 months now and somehow I am still getting dragged into the drama.
#personal#move back to your small hometown they said#it'll be fun they said#me chanting over and over again:#if you live here you get to see your family all the time#(this is a good thing for me i love my brother and his family)#dude honestly this whole thing is just hilarious at this point#anyway newest drama is that one of the parents thinks it's suspicious that i 'quit' the same time my best friend moved away#the shit that is being said about us right now??? fucking wild#i haven't told any of those kids why i really left because they don't need me to be gossiping about their current coach to them#that would be so unprofessional of me#i say like she wasn't spreading rumors about me to THEM directly last year#we are all in our 30s here why are we acting like fucking teenagers still#i'm about to be real petty when i go visit next week though#'oh my god you won't believe what i heard crystal is telling people at her salon'#to the coach not the kids lol#i have a sneaking suspicion that the she is involved in this gossip in an adjacent way not directly#and i want her to think about the shit she says before she says it#she's mad that i don't want to coach jv when i told her multiple times i don't want to run my own program#and that i'd be happy to help her out as an assistant coach but that having to deal with parents is my worst actual nightmare#see what's happening right now#literally the only reason i applied is because i love those kids and they were all freaking out about my friend leaving#because they thought their current coach was also going to be leaving#and i was like hey i won't leave you guys don't worry#it's her fault that she chose not to include me in any of her brainstorming for next year#if she really wanted me to be involved she would have been talking to me about it back in april#i'm literally barely pulling myself out of my grief hole about losing coaching#and i could have stayed around but i would have been miserable#because it wouldn't have been in the capacity that i really wanted#oof okay i feel a little better after venting a bit
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that was the most disappointing escape room ive ever done
#so#my family really likes to do escape rooms#(well not my brother but it doesnt matter)#and my moms friends also like to do escape rooms#so i went with my mom and her friends to do this escape room tonight#it was supposed to be a horror room#and we were all really hyped#and my mom and i have done some horror rooms before#some better than others#but all of them were somewhat mentally stimulating and challenging#but this one was Not It#my family and i had done a room at this location before#and that room was a kids room so we werent as surprised when the room told us what to do and then we did it#but for this one it felt disappointing#and like they dumbed down the room#and there were even remnants of puzzles that seemed to have been taken out!!#and they kept giving us hints without our asking!!#60out as a company has never been top tier#but this location specifically we will NEVER return to#because of how badly they have fumbled their rooms#$40 is too much to get out in thirty minutes im sorry
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Part of me, deep deep down, wonders if we still may have a scene of MK on his knees versus his friends a la 4x07
#like maybe we WON'T. and that's totally fine#I did get ''You were locked in a corner- told to get on your knees and accept your fate! And you didn't!#You came back and chose to stand to meet your end! Together.'' Like at the very least *kisses kneeling/standing motif*#And it's like ''your friends will turn on you- seeing you for the monster you will become!'' like where did that fear come from. Wukong#Wukong & Macaque#And what are we MAYBE getting answers to next season. Wukong V Macaque#I just. *gestures* the chaos shit is so weird. the staff corruption is so weird#''When the chaos makes them who they are'' SO WEIRD#So like. Rn I feel like MK finally gets hey. You really don't have to do it alone! And it's okay it all leads to pain! Good job bestie#Like the option is it all leads to pain or there's nothing. Cool cool#But I do feel like. He needs to be okay with his role specifically? You know? Like the ''it's always my fault!'' aspect of it#''It definitely shouldn't be left up to me'' like. Well. It kinda was#This was YOUR choice#Idk man like. This is just gonna have consequences#like ''I saw my children couldn't survive the chaos'' We have lost the safety net of the cycle#We have lost the 10 kings. We've lost heaven (ish).#MK you quite literally chose your sentimentality for mortal pleasures over a lot. Over guaranteed survival#God part of me is like. U were so willing to kill yourself so you could finally make up for being you I know it#I fucking know it MK#Ur so rayla core#my god#U were like "I can finally make the world better than I found it by fucking killing myself'' like dude. dude no#this is such a weird amalgamation of getting better/worse MK like I love you#character of all time#And earlier in the season being like ''You're a beast. A monster'' and then calling nine a monster like. MK. whatever#was part of LBD's plan literally destroying chaos with the fire (''And everything beyond even that!'') like idk I'm losing it#lmk#lego monkie kid#lmk rant#lmk spoilers
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thinking about fallout 4 against my will
#random thoughts#fallout#unfortunately nora compels me#the fact the 'hi honey!' tape specifically mentions her 'shaking the dust off' her law degree is interesting#like she gave up her job to stay at home with her husband and kid. why?#like that's a whole year. at LEAST.#love the idea of nate pressuring her into it <3 maternity leave turns into 'isnt it so nice being with sean around the clock?'#'too bad you won't have this quality time when you return to work'#turns into 'you can always return to work if you feel like it but we DO have a lot saved up . . .'#and it's like. okay so fallout 4 would be so much better if it were set in the 1960s. literally no reason it shouldnt be#yknow beyond complying with lore which. it isnt that faithful to in the first place#i just think it's weird the game is like 'here's the FUTURE' and then it's like 'here's the FUTURE FUTURE'#anyway make it the 1960s. give me time-appropriate fucked up family dynamics#and nora's a laywer and a feminist who promised herself she'd never compromise her career for a man#and nate seemed so NICE and like he understood until uh oh. frog in a slow cooker#and he makes everything seem like it's her idea until she's barefoot in the kitchen with a screaming baby on her hip and burnt food in a pan#and she doesn't even realize she's trapped until it's too late. isolated from friends and family#idk ill do more research later to make it more time-accurate (ESPECIALLY interested in second-wave feminism)#anyway i think she cheats. with a door-to-door salesman selling places in the bomb shelters#(honestly probably the only adult social interaction she's had in weeks beyond her husband)#i like to think at some point she had a bit of a car accident due to the stress so nate took her keys#probably just a minor fender bender he blew out of proportion but she believes it because oh god what if she hurt sean#her feelings toward sean are complicated. i dont think she quite loves him which she feels guilty about so she overcompensates#with trying to keep him as safe as possible and she feels like he KNOWS and HATES her#(honestly when the bombs drop everything happens so quickly and when she's in the future and registers sean's gone she feels. so relieved)#(followed by heavy shame)#nate sabotaged her birth control btw. love evil 1960s patriarchs#never outright stated but heavily implied!#anyway nora in the future (while she felt very progressive for her time) feels very out of place#like her ideals have no place. like she has no place
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this is not meant as a philosophical thing but it always catches me by surprise and feels a little funny when ppl make statements about What Makes Us Human/What Separates Us From Animals because like 99% of what humans do, at least some other animals also do or can do, and also like, why do u want to be separate so bad? do u not take comfort in knowing that ravens and elephants mourn their loved ones, too? that dogs and monkeys can learn to paint? that cats will seek you out for comfort when they’re scared? do u really want to live in a world where we’re alone at the ~top of the pyramid~? seems lonely. seems like shit
#whales (apparently) can adopt orphaned young of other species!#cats and dogs will protect kids/babies!!#other animals are sad and upset when separated from their friends!!#like!#idk!! i just don't get it#maybe this is the child!curio who thought animals were better than people coming out#but like#isn't it a comfort to know that the world is full of so many familiar echoes?#that we walk the same paths shared by animals from wildly divergent lines of evolution?#that like plants we too turn toward the sun????#personal#the world is not a pyramid it is a spiral of networks and we are one vibration among a whole goddamn symphony
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