#we really can't have shit huh?
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guys I felt genuine fear in my stomach while reading this tweet...
#this can't be happening... please ...#we really can't have anything good now... huh... everything will be tainted by greed... shit adaptations are incoming#horrid sequels etc... I am so sad that larian doesn't even own the fucking characters they made! fml#I haven't been interested in any of my hobbies in the past decade... bg3 helped me regain some of that joy#but this will be also screwed soon... it's already happening... how great#I understand why they are moving away from bg3... and I didn't expect any new content or dlc or anything like that#but I didn't expect that the characters will be handed over to WOTC ... that is horrible#my post#my posts#bg3 mine#larian studios#current events#giving me doomsday feelings ... but I already had doomsday feelings from the war getting worse nearby...#I guess if russia kills us all I won't have to feel sad about how all my favourite stories are ruined... oh well#apparently my mom is stocking up on food as if a bag of rice could save her if they drop an atomic lol#negativity posting#baldur's gate 3#bg3#wizards of the coast#twitter
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hold on i need to get a thought and emotions out. so with Welcome Home, there seems to be a before and an after. obviously, we're in the after. the website is the after. and if it turns out that the story we see, the one where shit hits the fan and the show is practically erased, then... that already happened. whatever horrors we see, we'll know that there is no saving them. there is no happy ending - it happened, and it's tragic. the show is doomed to end and be scrubbed away. if any of the characters are revealed to be dead/gone by the website, then when/if we see them at an earlier point, we'll Know
and there's a special kind of dread and horror in that for us, the audience.
#im not articulating this the way i want to...#it's like going to see a tragic play. like romeo and juliet for instance.#we go into it knowing the end. they die. no matter what they die. every step they take leads to That End#every happy moment is undercut by the knowledge that it won't last#thinking about this makes me think that at some point learning more about the story/characters is gonna feel like digging up a grave#AGH I LOVE IT THOUGH I LOVE IT. IT HURTS SO MUCH BUT I LOVE IT#its a special feeling of dread/nostalgia/bittersweetness/resignation#and that is sensation in the chest that doesnt feel good but it also does somehow? it hurts but just enough to not be unbearable?#welcome home#welcome home speculation#welcome home puppet show#man i am so so so so scared for the puppets lmfao#i have some theories on the ways shit might go down. like little things. souring relationships and such#i also have a feeling that the story is really gonna hit home (ha) for me in Big Ways#like as soon as i saw clown say that it's kinda about 'when does a home become a house' and stuff#OOF. YIKES. WHEN DOES IT INDEED. i mean i know. ive lived it. im Living it.#this is gonna get unintentionally personal Real Fast in Several Fun And Festive Ways for me huh#i wonder if the story is gonna be uncovered linearly or not...#chewing on it chewing on it chewing on it#i can't wait to Understand the world/characters so that i can write fanfic. i want to so badly. i want to Explore#i want to hop into that grave and keep digging
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Cats
What's not to love about these lovely creatures? Honestly, growing up I was always a dog person (even despite the fact that I was attacked by one when I was young). But then I realized I wouldn't be able to take care of a dog for, well, a buncha reasons, thought about how it would be to have a cat, and thought, yeah, it would be nice to have one. For so many reasons. The eternally lethargic me could never take care of a dog properly. A cat, though? I probably could.
#the void asks back#I physically still can't bring myself not to freeze up or get away when a dog is nearby#despite the fact that I still love them#my first thought when one is nearby is always “what if it decides to attack me?”#obviously the answer is that it won't but childhood trauma does shit to you lol#that's the first time I've ever called it trauma but now that I mention it it really is huh#still remember sobbing afterwards about the wounds on my back#shame I never got any scars#the least I could get for going through that#fun fact: The next house we moved to after that incident had a dog that was chained that I played with#one of my strongest memories with the dog was of accidentally hurting it because of how sad and guilty it made me#like damn I really liked that dog#despite the fact that I still couldn't get too close given the whole recently formed trauma thing#I do also remember getting chased by a crocodile with my aunt back in the same home the dog attack took place in#or was it an alligator#but honestly I have trouble believing that memory wasn't a dream#even though that's the only memory of that time I'm unsure is a dream or not#one day I should ask my aunt if it was a dream#also we were in the house's compound so we were able to run inside and be fine#but somehow I doubt that that really happened#oops there I go rambling in the tags again
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as a bona fide vaxleth lover i am more confused than ever about how they are portrayed on the animated series i'm not gonna lie 😭
#not that different is bad like it doesn't affect or 'ruin' the actual source material#i just legitimately do not understand some of their choices here#there's stuff i really like ofc but u know. i've written multiple long analyses about conflict in their relationship#and in previous seasons it seemed to me like they were just smoothing out those sharp edges which bummed me out ngl#(for one there was a line at the end of s1 where kiki directly contradicted her campaign self in favor of No Conflict that i was feeling#unsatisfied with. and s2 didn't contend with rq as a sticking point for keyleth really at all)#and like to be honest my distaste for that is biased by like fandom drama of years past and people shitting on them for that exact stuff#so for me it kinda felt like an updated and palatable version that appealed to the group of people that made me feel bad for liking them#which is again like a strong personal bias lol but u know it also is just. a really important story to me that i love#but this season it's like they went no no. they do actually need to fight that was a big thing. hmmmm what about#AH YES. let's reverse their povs about their relationship completely.#have not finished ep3 yet but 10 min in i'm just like HUH?#again this doesn't rly matter and the show remains an enjoyable adaptation it's just truly bizzare to me 😭 how did this choice get made#it speaks#lovm spoilers#sorry I'm not done yet actually because the specific conflict about happiness in the present being or not being worth sorrow later#is the VERY CORE OF BOTH OF THOSE CHARACTERS and to switch which one feels which is way more than weird for the romance it's weird for like#what each of their whole individual deal is. that's why i'm so ??????????????#gah. i truly don't want to complain too badly#(and tbh the eps simply don't have enough runtime for vax to be as completely-falling-apart as he actually was and the role of#depression and trauma and self-loathing in that vs like. a more easily telegraphed supernatural boogeyman#-which if they slowed the pace down more might fit in but the scale of the story is so grand that they can't so like i begrudingly get it.#but still absolutely wild for the solution to be: do away with their actual arguments about divinity or keyleth's insecurity about#outliving all of vox machina. oh btw we are giving the vision she had of that to vax as a gift from rq or whatever#so he can be inscure about it instead. because he's fate touched or smthn. and that's too abstract for us to explore here so let's just#give him ominous visions.)#the more i have typed the saltier i have gotten i'm sorry it's just WILD TO MEEEE
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everybody who went to a private catholic school name the craziest personal belief an instructor lectured the class on.
i'll go first: mentally disabled people are free of original sin, just like animals, so they get a free pass to heaven
#bonus points if the lecture was not-so-subtly referencing you specifically#ye i was the only super obviously autistic kid in my class since we did not have special ed classes or accommodations of any kind#and yes this teacher did seem to believe that i fell into the category of 'mentally disabled people who are like animals'#oddly enough this kind of made me her favorite student#she was really big on infantilizing ppl who were a certain level of mentally disabled#and yeah i guess dehumanizing too#except like how people says 'all doggos are good boys'#and even if a dog bites someone you can't like claim that dogs know the difference between good or evil#so it's not like...a fucking sin or something#so yeah she did openly express this stuff in class#i can't remember her explanation for mentally disabled ppl being free of original sin#but it was like tied in with the whole 'tree of knowledge' thing#and how not having that knowledge/sin is what makes us like innocent and dumb#got compared to a dog and also a lamb. not directly. like she did not call me out by name#but the entire class was super uncomfy because it was really obvious she was indirectly talking about me#at the time i was also like 'huh that explains some of her behavior around me'#and also thought it was hilarious that i got a free pass to heaven in her mind#also thought it was funny that she thought i was mentally disabled#because at this point i just thought i was a deeply weird person being mistaken for a mentally disabled person#but uh nope. i was like. really autistic. like lots of classic negative shit too like biting other kids and self-harmful stims and stuff
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i've been having some trouble falling asleep lately
#art#i'll be yapping in the tags#its not that im depressed or anything. it is the opposite actually#ive been using this medicine for quite some time. and it made all my negative emotions disappear#“oh wow huh but isnt it great you don't feel bad anymore”. this is the same thing my psychiatrist told me when we were discussing this topic#in hindsight it was kinda silly of her to say. i can't believe i pay a ridiculous amount of money per session just to hear shit like that#but she's cute and im a pathetic homosexual who'll seethe at the sight of other specialists like a beaten dog so I will let it slide i guess#we see each other twice a year anyway and all i need from her is the prescription for happy pills. anyway the happypillen#i would fight god if it means i can use stertraline for the rest of my life. thanks to it i can and i do live#but I don't really feel like myself anymore. do you get what i mean#the things that have been giving me anxiety attacks or flashbacks not so long ago? i feel almost nothing about it at this momet#it still haunts me to this day but the intensity of my feelings and emotions does not reach even 1/5 of what it was before#i do not want to disclose more specific topics so i will use a simple example. i used to be afraid of dogs#the fear was so severe that the mere sight of the tiniest little barfing creature was enough for me to freeze#now i can pass one without any problem. the fear i feel today is nothing more than a shadow of bygone times (something i do out of habit)#but i guess this example is not objective enough since my close irl friend has a dog that i became fond of#im still pretty sure this dog of her is capable of biting my ass off if necessary but im not afraid of it#because fear is not an option in this brain of mine at this moment#i don't feel any anxiety sadness or anger anymore. even if something close to it begins to rise in me it shuns down within a few minutes#i can't even cry. i am craving emotions that i was so eagerly trying to dispose of back then#i feel the most mentally stable I have ever been and at the same time i feel pretty much dead.#perhaps i just got used to the fact that sorrow accompanied me for a very long time and i should learn to live without it#perhaps sorrow is just as important as happiness and its absence is a mere side effect of the happy pills#and i have to put up with it in order to have a functional brain#perhaps we people are never happy with what we have in our hands. also i hate drawing#one's can tell since the picture i attached is raw as fuck#but even despite my praised mental stability if i were to stay alone with it even for a minute longer i would go insane#next time i will draw something lighter and cuter. like my favorite kpop boy or fortnite. maybe in the next century#thanks for coming to my tedtalk. bye#i made a typo in the word “sertraline” but im too lazy to fix it i would fight god for you but i will not do this im sorry zoloft
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"i thought you said you'd make an effort" MOTHERFUCKER THIS IS ONLY COMPLAINT #1 OUT OF A VERY LONG LIST JUST BE GRATEFUL I CAN WAIT UNTIL THE GUESTS ARE GONE TO SNAP
#YEAH I MAKE AN EFFORT THATS WHY I ONLY COMPLAIN ABOUT THE STUFF I REALLY CANNOT DEAL WITH LONGTERM#god#it's just#incredibly annoying how my mom just goes OUT OF HER WAY to shrink the scope again when i just explained to her what would work#''so you can't speak up and if we do nothing it doesn't work'' yeah no shit then speak up YOU then. like i just said you probably should#i mean. you did say you don't control what guests bring. BUT YES YOU DO#yes you can speak to them about it#you can discuss and make it less systematic#you can express your thoughts#so you actually just lie to sympathize with me but you don't give a shit#and yet you still act like you tried everything like you just don't know what else could be done#i told you what was my problem i told you what would make it better#say you have other priorities#say you expect me to make an effort and not to be the fucking freak i was my whole childhood#that you were kind enough to tolerate most of the time#even though i was sooooo fucking weird when you knew i had problems but couldn't categorize them so why would i need to do things different#say you don't understand why i hurts me if i can ''try to make an effort''#sorry the only kind of family reunion we have is food-based and i can't try and have good relationships w my family if i dont can it#and eat whatever's in front of me so that they can be happy i'm finally normal and grown up#god jesus christ#yeah it IS your house and i don't get to veto or force anything#dont act surprised when your smart plan for dealing with difficult things is expect your kid to shut the fuck up about any problem they hav#and then huh. weird. your kid isn't happy.#i try to foster a good relationship holy shit#i try to go past the things i don't like and compromise and engage w them#how is that not doing my best#i'm sorry i don't feel great when difficult things happen and also i can't control any of it#when you can and you've also shown me many time i can't expect actually meaningful support from you#broadcasting my misery#vent
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me rn having the biggest hots for leon kennedy and astarion sorry LMFAOOO <3
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#^___^ me smiling innocently#bg3 is on the MIND !!! i dearly want it so badly. turns out my dad played 1/2 (not sure which) a looong time ago#but he never got too far i think bcs he's busy... :P but hey i love him. wow. it's really cool he knows it too (ofc he does lmfao)#me and him (handshake emoji) also never getting far in da origins yet bcs we have it on xbox bcs of him getting it a long time ago#but there's that bug in the mage tower... :( funny we both went thru it LMFAO <//3 anyway i got it on steam so i've been playing#again but not recently anymore since 1. ffxiv took over my life last days of summer again 2. summer is over back school so rip#anyway can u tell i love fantasy :)) da and bg babeyyy !!! my type is going to make you guys cry i'm so obvious#zevran... fenris... astarion... i have a thing for ppl w blond/white hair :P idk my fav in inquisition yet and idk anything abt bg1&2 yet#but Yeah. GHBSHJGBSHJG..... da origins is kinda funny (lack of better word) to me btw bcs i like all four main romance options#but it's hard to explain (i have a story behind stuff i want to share but it's tiring and annoying of me /hj !!!!!)#anyway i like blond elves if it wasn't obvious. yes i also like link and zelda from loz. yes i like legolas. yes i like#...anyway! so where does re fit in this? uh. u see i'm a coward actually i'm too scared to play re LMFAOOO#BTU I ADORE THE LORE and the characters and the game franchise and shit ^_^ just. i shld really watch it sometime#instead of reading wikis all the time and just soaking up all the knowledge but i'm. a Coward. okay#i can't even play bloodborne despite how nerdy i am over it... it's so scary to poor little me... i'm a coward (it's the harsh truth).....#anwyay i'll conquer my fears one day but that day is NOT SOON !!! i wna get into re properly tho aside from just being a nerd#so i'm too scared to play but i'll watch playthroughs sometime (and admire leon) <3 yeah. another blond. i know. shut up.#is this my life rn am i just infatuated w blonds and white haired guys. it's gna be hell if i continue nier replicant rn too huh#uh. goodnight!
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Hahahahhahaha what if I gave up on the one thing I've been working for the past 4 years, Bc I might never be able to develop my art skills and become worthy of being called an "artist"?? Hahahahhahahahahahahhahahhaa
#Delete later#I'M TOTALLY FINE#I'm not actually in my art regression era and want to die#WDYM??#Also I want to rant cos i can't stand this feeling#a friend laughed at my art and kept giving me 'tips' when I said I really liked it#Like I didn't ask for advice from a non-artist?? What do YOU know about art??#Okay I know that my art is lowkey ass but Im trying I SWEAR#Its hard like REALLY hard#And it doesn't help when Ive been going through art envy over every art piece I see and wish that i had Half of their skills#Which I know that these AMAZING artists worked hard for these skills I know that but I just wish I was a fast learner and actually focused#Instead of my stupid attention span#FUCK THIS SHIT#Also she told me that my chibi drawing looked funny and kept laughing and when i said what was so funny about it??#She went 'lemme laugh. Can't I laugh? 🤨'#So I responded saying that I was just asking and didn't understand her?? And she said 'yeah honestly I'm laughing at how it looks'#THEN SHE HAD THE FUCKING NERVE TO BLAME IT ON UNI AND HOW THAT PRESSURE IS MAKING HER LAUGH AT EVERYTHING#Like do I not have feelings??? Huh??#Oh yeah then I went 'I feel like ur laughing at me? Cos there's nothing funny about it??'#She went on a rampage going 'yeah it is and why are turning my laughing into a srs convo??'#And then weirdly kept saying how she wished that I was with her so we can fight over it and how it would be fun to have a fight and that-#She hadn't fought with anyone for a while and that she needs to have a fight with me????#WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK#This is so weird for her#I actually dont even wanna talk to her anymore#Literally left her on read cos I literally can't deal with her bs rn#It's 3am bitch what the fuck is wrong with you????#Who has the energy to fight??#Literally made me cry. I hate this sm. I'm not THAT sensitive. But it hurts me a lot to hear that from someone I cared for.#kai talks
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hmmm i want railings on my bed like a hospital bed but most Bed Railings they sell have to be placed under the mattress to stay in place and i have an adjustable base that means my mattress gets folded frequently and cannot keep the rail in place
#i want to be Enclosed i need a little Nest#i want my extra pillows to not fall off my bed when I'm trying to swap them out#bc i need like. four or five different types of pillow depending on the day#so i just. keep them stacked up on the other side of my bed#this is also why i can't use a twin size bed most of my bed is Storage tbh#i prefer a full size king is large enough that i get Nervous lying in it by myself#when i had a king size flattress (it was. so damn thin) on the floor i ended up just piling shit in the corner#just to take up space bc i got very nervous without at least two walls very close to me#i like corners and i hate large rooms! i am the opposite of claustrophobic !#which i was once told was agoraphobic#but from context I've gathered most people use agoraphobia to mean an intense fear of crowds or just other people in general?#which i do have to some degree. but it's really just the super wide open spaces with no wall to my back that gets me#huh super deeply buried memory unlocked. maybe this has to do with how my elementary school would like. as a punishment at recess#have kids stand with their face to the building wall and they're not allowed to talk to anyone#and other kids who were playing at recess would just. throw things at the kids in detention or time out or whatever#and the teachers. wouldn't stop them???#and it wasn't just little pebbles or mulch it was footballs and large rocks#and if we moved out of the way we'd get time added to our wall time bc we weren't supposed to move at all either???????#god that school was a hellhole for the mentally abnormal
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woke up just feeling so sad about old times
#best of times and the worst of times etc etc#had a dream about my best friend in middle school#miss them#there were issues with them and that relationship but dang we really did just have so much fucking fun like holy shit#and i miss my dad#i think im pretty good at looking and moving forward#and in many ways things just get better and better#but dang#you really can't ever go back huh
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having feelings and emotions is hell idk who thought this was a good idea I WANT A LOBOTOMY!!!!!!!
#been stuck in sensory overload since i got back and it's bpd splitting hours again which is not that dramatic since i'm the repression queen#so actually yeah it's so fun and enjoyable and not exhausting and miserable AT ALL#at least the ppl in question aren't around anymore but still. i'm so tired#and technically nothing is stopping me from going to bed early but also that means it'll be tomorrow faster#and i have to do shit tomorrow and i don't want to <3 what i actually want to do is well. the usual.#but we could downgrade to just never interact with another human being ever again i think#maybe i can stay alive if it's Far away from everyone else since apparently i can't even manage it when things go well#like even after all that. my conclusion is still that i'm not made to be a social animal but idk. smth worse#anyway. everything sucks nobody cares but that's my own choice#like everything actually. like EVERYTHING is my responsibility and the consequences of my own behavior i know that#but complaining about it while doing absolutely nothing to make my situation even a little bit better is my alternative to suicide#and i still have roach instincts. ie random spikes of 'oh fuck i don't want to die actually'#but girl what else is there to do. sadly you're really good at that whole not dying thing huh
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the downside of subscribing to a substack telling me about US trans news: i now know about US trans news
#and i know about one guy who has a real high chance of being elected in my area if he gets past the republican primary#when have we ever not elected a republican? it's all up to who republican voters decide they want to run#serious post#us stuff#would tag this for trans stuff too but I'm hoping this doesn't end up in tags for anything#venting about it in detail would dox me I guess but.#the 'upside' of not having gotten my shit together enough to start hrt or anything: can go back into the closet pretty easily#is it stupid that i'd chose shaving my face and going back into the closet over potentially having to leave my cat?#he's such a sensitive little dude idk if he'd be able to keep food down if I moved him to a totally new environment. he'd be too stressed#not enough money to get a loan for a house and can't rent a place with all the cats so i'd have to just go by myself if i went#they'd be fine here with just mom but. idk man. i guess we'll see what my options end up being#even if we could magically get a house with a really low loan mom wouldn't have a job#and i've found the least miserable job i'm ever going to be qualified for i think. might be stupid to not want to leave it#just so I don't have to go back into retail#but I don't want to leave the job either. not going to find anything better#so I guess I'll stay even if it would be smarter to go#proud to be an american huh? fuck.
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i watched My Neighbor Totoro for the first time, here's my chronological viewing experience:
woo-hoo! dusty old japanese house with japanese architectural details aplenty
these kids got some ENERGY my goodness
family dynamic's adorable. peak quality dad humor
kids: our house is haunted. parents: that's so cool!
hell yeah, wrinkled old lady rep. we need more friendly old women with potato faces and warts like storybook witches. the backbone of society, these ladies
Plot Summary: Small Child Bothers Local Wildlife
sacred tree sacred tree sacred tree
Introducing Totoro! nobody said this fucker's got TEETH???
Uh-Oh! Inadequate Parental Supervision Detected
(you misplaced your four year old! you're not supposed to do that)
4-year-old: i met a magic forest spirit. dad: oh shit fr?
4-year-old: *angrily hugs sister* missed u bitch
this small child has a smile like a toad. like a really really cute toad. like the cutest toad in all existence. i love her she's perfection please just let this child be happy
rice paddies are so pretty....so back breaking....rice is such a prissy crop
*my crush is stranded in a rainstorm* takethisumbrellait'syoursnowBYE *runs away in panic im so good at flirting*
Giant Chinchilla Learns To Hold Umbrella, Is Fucking Delighted By Experience
take this, it will help you on your quest! *hands u trail mix wrapped in a leaf*
LO-FI HIP HOP STUDY LIST!
crouching down to peer at dirt--A++ top notch foundational childhood experience
mom has a big ass forehead
honey! the chinchillas are performing Rituals in the backyard again
help yeah let's jack and the bean stalk this shit
huh so we're all just climbing aboard the giant chinchilla's tiddies now ok
class trip!
the pure adrenaline of Vegetable Gardening
no! the small child is crying! she is bawling her eyes out. no no no. i can't cope with this. emotionally i cannot cope 🥺🥺🥺
i've only had Mei one hour but if anything happens to her i will raze this earth and everyone on it
please someone make this small child smile again
oh no the tall child is crying too
i can't take this. my heart can't take this.
i need a drink
small child running determined to deliver magic veggies to the hospital. this kid is my hero
she is also unsupervised. so, so unsupervised
babe you are FOUR
godDAMMIT ghibli, you cannot give me watercolor sunsets while a small child is missing. u are killing me. my heart is giving out. this is me, experiencing heart failure.
Totoro to the rescue!
no wait CATBUS to the rescue!
i admit i initially thought the cat was a creep. alice in wonderland prejudiced me. i have revised my notions of smiling cats
i've decided the cat is a metaphor for the magic of a robust public transport system
MEI'S OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and so is mom. she's a lovely lady im sorry for what i said about her forehead. it's a noble forehead.
happy ending YES bitch!!!!!!
ok. ok ok ok. that was magical.
(as a first-time adult viewer i was worried i wouldn't be able to Access the Magic. but i could and i did and it was incredible. that was culture. that was ART. joy distilled into animated form. holy rites of childhood. i understand now. how glorious, this world we grow out of. how full of marvels. i'm going outside to smell grass and sun and get dirt under my fingernails. miraculous.)
#mr ghibli please you cannot do this to my heart#totoro#my neighbor totoro#spoilers#?#initially i misspelled Totoro as Tortoro throughout the entire post#i fixed it but dear heavens i was tempted to leave it in. you're WELCOME
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I'm kinda glad I can keep my opinions to myself but man
#miranda talking shit#Heard an story of... “I had my first strong love feeling like a woman. We met only a few times irl#But then suddenly she moved away and broke all contact for a year. I waited for her and tried to contact her. She sent an message 6 month#Ago about how she did it bc of anxiety and not bc of me. Then it's just been silence again. But I'm still waiting for her and I'd drop#Everything if she contacted me again“ me: what.... Wh.... Huh?!#Like I get it... First love? That shits intense but also like... Do you hear? Yourself? This isn't good for you... You've been waiting for#Someone for like two years who have not held contract with you like at all. As someone who struggles with bad anxiety and depression... Yea#Like if I really loved or cared for someone I'd try more than just give an excuse and then stop answering again#Everyone is different and we all have our past but... That sounds so... Yeah not good.#Heard this story and I was like wow... You're.. Over 30 and you... Don't respect yourself enough to break things off and move on?#First love makes us stupid but like... They weren't even officially dating it was more an “it could go somewhere” type of situation.#Maybe I've... Had practice but. Actions does speak louder than words. If I don't feel that return of care I'll tire and go to those I know#Will. I wanted to shake this man and scream this at him but... No one asks for my opinion and I understand when to not share it#It just sounds so sad to me. To wait for years for someone who can't even bother texting you? Still you're hoping they'll contact you#Hope is an wonderful thing and it's what keeps us alive but... Hope placed on people who has shown they do not care... Yeah#Maybe I'm harsh but I do believe in the idea if someone really does care. Texting and calling even just some isn't impossible. Inaction#Speaks for itself... No answer is also an answer.#Me sitting there sadly: you deserve better king... Love and respect yourself....
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Thinking a LOT about Lucifer in the latest Hazbin episode. Idk what I was expecting but not this??
As I was watching my immediate thought was just "huh... Lucifer is kinda of weird..." but as the episode went on I realized the issue
the dude is off the chain depressed, like he says it as a joke but holy cow it is SO BAD
He's manically just creating rubber ducks cuz his daughter really like it that one time but it's empty, it's never good enough but he keeps doing it, maybe cuz he doesn't know how to pass the time otherwise.
like I get the feeling he HAS better things he SHOULD be doing than making rubber duck after rubber duck. At first I was like, "Bruh why isn't the king of hell doing anything?" aaaaand then it became clear...
The dude is disassociating so bad he can barely hold a conversation let alone remember information. He clearly WANTS to, he wants to be involved with his daughter so bad, he wants to care about the things she's doing so bad, but his depression keeps interfering. It's like he can only hear every other word and he grasps onto the ones he does hear semi-out of context. Like you can see every time he catches something that he hadn't before and he just "well shit I didn't catch that part"
and that's why he reacts so weird when people talk to him. He is struggling so bad to engage with the conversation he's only getting 50% of it
does that look like the face of a man who knows what the hell the conversation is even about??? he is STRUGGLING
like Charlie spent so long telling him about the hotel, and he STILL didn't understand what she wanted. Yeah it comes off as ditzy but literally I've been in that position where your brain just "nope, not doing this right now" and nerfs your conversation comprehension. So as someone who's BEEN in that position, to me it feels exactly like what he's dealing with. He's sorta engaged with the conversation, but only as much as his brain will allow
For example, when I'm dealing with this, this is what someone talking to me feels like this where the crossed out parts are what I missed and bold is what I catch, "Hey! You know I was thinking for dinner we could either make some chicken with rice? But if you don't feel like cooking, pasta is super easy and you love that right? What do you want to do?" you can kinda get that someone is trying to talk to you about dinner, and towards the end you get the impression that they asked something that needs your input so you can decently put 2 and 2 together and try and pass off, but crucial bits were left out, I would have no idea that either chicken or pasta is in the conversation only having heard "rice". When someone is just talking at me, I can decently pass off as being engaged but the second I'm required to participate in the conversation I'm screwed. Seem familiar? At which point I have 2 options, try to give a bullshit answer, or admit that I missed what they were saying and ask them to repeat
Lucifer, unfortunately, is trying so damn hard to hide that he's dealing with like 24/7 dissociation, so he can't admit that he's missing entire chunks of the conversation, hence his really weird replies. He does eventually get the full picture and then he and Charlie start having the real conversation
Also, the Alastor/Lucifer rivalry was hilarious but also really indicative of more of what Lucifer is dealing with
Alastor is, unfortunately, really good at picking up people's insecurities, and thanks to Charlie's description earlier and watching Lucifer clearly trying to overcompensate, he immediately picks up on the fact that Lucifer KNOWS he struggles to be a good dad (we know cuz it's cuz of the depression, hard to be engaged when your brain keeps turning off) and decides to rub salt in the wound by pretending he's been acting as a surrogate father to Charlie. Now why Alastor decided to pick a fight with the king of hell is beyond me, I do not understand Alastor (and I LIKE IT) (maybe it's cuz Alastor thinks he's hot shit and was expecting Lucifer to at least have heard of him but Lucifer just treats him like a nobody? who knows)(why would Lucifer listen to radio anyways when he can't even pay attention to a conversation it'd just be white noise)
But yeah I just was expecting someone who oozed either charisma or presence and instead I got a depressed dad who's dissociating so bad he can barely function and be present in his life. The only thing it seems he CAN do is make rubber ducks cuz his daughter really liked it that one time
Idk Lucifer is tragic to me. Whatever the full details of what heavan did to him absolutely broke him and he can't deal with it. He's aware of it, and he doesn't know how to fix it, so he tries to over compensate and sorta makes an ass out of himself but no one says or does anything cuz this guy is supposed to be THE king of hell
Suddenly it's making a lot more sense why he just rolls over and lets heaven do what it wants and even told Charlie to go in his place the start of the show. He's not in any headspace to hold a basic conversation let alone negotiate! He didn't even know who Alastor was, he's been so out of touch
idk I like him, he seems sweet, I hope Charlie brings some light back into his life. He really needs to get out of that rubber duck room
#hazbin spoilers#hazbin hotel#lucifer#lucifer morningstar#analysis#dissociation#look idk what to tell you all#I watched the episode and everything makes so much more sense#when you realize he's only intaking like 50-60% of the conversations#he's not bad at listening his brain is literally preventing him from getting everything#literally I've been there#the difference between him and me tho#is that he can't show it#he's the king of hell#he has to bluff his way through conversations#but yeah literally rewatch the episode with this in mind#and watch him reply to the things he DID catch#anyways#NEW BLORBO????#who'd've thought I would go into Hazbin Hotel#and come out with freaking LUCIFER as my favorite character#I love him#he's so sad
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