#we need those ppl too but it’s just not how I tend to deal with these situations

[f1-stuff]

how do you cope with this carlos-hate between the lines here on tumblr? btw love following you for your good vibes and funny tags

Hello, sweet anon ❤️

Tbh some days are harder than others! I like to think I’ve gotten a lot better at simply not logging on when I expect there to be those sorts of posts - also making sure that the blogs I follow are the only ones I wanna see on my tl. Sometimes, like earlier today, I just channel my energy into making gifs and only come on tumblr to post those and leave lol

Obviously, I still see stuff if I go looking in his tag or something slips thru the cracks, and some days I write out a whole rant and then delete it (it can be v therapeutic just to type your feelings, even if you never post it). Also having someone/people who I can talk to about it can be pretty helpful. Or even revisiting a Carlos thing that makes you smile! I’ll sometimes just go thru his tag on my blog and inevitably something silly he did will make me laugh and I feel (mostly) better 😂❤️

Other than that, I think just recognizing that everyone’s opinions are just that - opinions! Pro sports is one of the areas in life that people can be the most opinionated/vocal/vitriolic about online but it’s bc it inspires such passion in people. Personally, I like to channel my passion for f1 in positive ways - it makes me a happier person and it’s the whole ‘be the change you want to see’ in the fandom philosophy haha

I hope some of this is helpful ❤️ you can always come to me if you’re needing someone to talk to or wanna just toss something in my inbox to take your mind off of things!

[tobiotaesan]

ハイキュー!! x 보넥도 2

synopsis: which haikyuu characters i think bnd resembles the most

genre: bnd! haikyuu au!

cw: none

note: i am terrible at these so theyre probably not accurate

SUNGHO x SUGAWARA

they both possess that motherly vibe

soft but firm at the same time

myungnyangz actually give off daisuga energy (sungho ofc is suga)

remember when sungho said in a video message for mj that he knows mj doesnt want to be a harsh/strict leader to the other members (probs bcus he doesnt want to end up hurting their feelings unintentionally) so instead he (sungho) will do it for him

now if that aint love

if that doesnt scream daisuga

thats literally vice capt sugawara in kpop idol form

also, they tend to be similar in the sense wherein they both appear to be calm ppl until someone tests their patience lol

plus the random bursts of energy

like when suga is just being the chill seniors with daichi and asahi and then the next second he is the cheer captain with the hyper juniors

thats sungho with 03 line and then suddenly being with gongfourz + woonagi

hes also good at dealing with the destiny boyz extroverted outbursts, very sugawara of him

to summarize: MOTHERSSSS

RIWOO X HOSHIUMI

i honestly dont know how (best album) i didnt think of the hoshiumi x riwoo

i saw someone say this on twt and id like to take this opportunity to say thank u to that person for enlightening me of this agenda

so the reason why i think this makes so much sense is

1) blonde riwoo was literally hoshiumi (refer pics above)

2) riwoo is to bnd what hoshiumi is to kamomedai if u know what i mean ( if u dont then thats a you problem)

3) they both embody this sense of confidence with their awareness of their skills that they know how to showcase

like he knows hes that good and he shows it but is still able to be humble about it

riwoo "performance director" = hoshiumi "the little giant" (i know he doesnt own the nn its for comparison)

and apparently they even share the same mbti, isfp (a bit unsure, sources dont match)

theyre like the golden player/member of the team

theyre just that good and they know it too (king behaviour)

ofc with that level of confidence there is also competitiveness

hoshiumi plays with a grin on his face especially when the opponent's skills are on par with them

i think it mirrors to the bright smile we see on riwoo's face when he does those tiktok challenges with the more complicated dances or just when he uploads one with the choreography he made himself in the car within like 10mins

i mean i would hype myself up too if i was insanely talented like them

MYUNG JAEHYUN X NISHINOYA

noya never d worded but welcome back nishinoya !

i think lots of onedoors who have been through the haikyuu phase would agree with this one

him, woonhak and taesan are the ones who have a definite and stable parallel character in haikyuu

noya plays a very important role in the team as the libero and they are often described as the backbone of the team's defense

like its meaning in italian ("free") they are free to move in and out of the court during gameplay, they go in when support is needed especially with receiving and covering the weaker areas of the players

the role reminds me so much of mj's leadership style in bnd

he seems to always be there for his members when they need him and is always ready to support/encoruage them at all times

like the way liberos tend to be well-aware and perceptive of the court to be able to support the teams defense, is the same as mj being a well-rounded, talented leader who is always looking out for his members

i say "myung jaehyun" you say "best leader"

TAESAN X KAGEYAMA

need i to explain this

wbk

visual parallel? check.

tsundere qualities? check.

extremely talented? check.

the end.

nah but fr they mirror each other so well it makes sense how i ended up liking tobio whilst being a taesan biased

they are so black cats idc if tobio is in karasuno whos mascot is a crow

both born with talent (i could never)

kags setting skills = taesanpop

tbh if taesan plays volleyball i think he could play to be a setter too

he produces songs for bnd whilst being able to integrate his own colors in it so i think he would know what its like to craft smth specifically for someone with the use of ones ability

the same way kags honed his passing skills so that shoyo can control the direction of his spikes better

was actually going to keep his short bcus i feel like i dont really need to explain this further like it just makes sense that taesan is kageyama

LEEHAN X SUNA

HOLD- ✋️✋️

SSHHHHHH 🤐🤐👌

listen to me *holds face, squishing cheeks* he 👏 is 👏 not 👏 kenma 👏

i said what i said

kenma is wayyyyy too introverted, he actually lowkey hates humans and leehan is actually an extrovert yall

im gonna give u time to digest the information and think about leehan x suna

..............

hmm....yes.

i know, right?

when he went "you like it?" at kcon la after showing his moving adams apple, thats the rintaro suna from within him speaking

the smugness? impressive how they express it without making it annoying but attractive instead.

or maybe im just down bad for pretty boys with long hair

they're also both kind off give off this "suavé" fine looking lad that make heads turn but deep inside is infected by loser-trapped-in-a-hot-body virus type of dude

jelly obssesion suna 🤝 leehan

pls support this agenda

thanks

WOONHAK X HINATA

woonhak's thirst for becoming one the most talented idols out there is the same as shoyo's dream to becoming the next "little giant"

i love how woonhak has mj and taesan like shoyo has noya and tobio

noya being like one of shoyo's favorite senior that he admires so much

and also the one who actively and openly encourages and motivates shoyo when he needs it, like the way mj is to woonhak to the point of treating him like he gave birth to him

tobio being the not-obvious, nonchalant and lowkey support system to shoyo

hes aware of his potential and capabilities and so he works hard to make shoyo achieve the results he wants

the same way taesan shows his "형/hyung" side with the way he shows his support to woonhak (by teasing the heck out of him)

they both also have this child-like enthusiasm for a lot of things especially on their interests

they both show ecstatic responses to volleyball/performing

and the way they try to be smug about things they did good in accidentally

OH and plus the "im good at doing this" and then fails miserably

but its fine bcus they looked cute

`•°☆°•` `•°☆°•` `•°☆°•` `•°☆°•` `•°☆°•` `•°☆°•`

—끝—

©️ tobiotaesan

do not repost or translate without permission !

[leonardalphachurch]

WHEEL!!

(i had fun spinning it :))

-skateboard-theta

the WHEEL…. @skateboard-theta

ohhh maine/wyoming... i should say that what im doing with the wheel isnt like, writing a story or anything but just doing an analysis of how i think they would/wouldnt work as a couple. also ppl can feel free to spin it themselves and suggest the couple they get to me? for fun

anyway maine/wyoming is so... i think they both tend to view most of their relationships as professional ones. they’re doing their jobs. with maine there’s more Gravitas to it whereas with wyoming it is Just a Job. still i think they would appreciate the professionalism of each other. when hooking up it’s just. okay we both want another Body and you’re here. they both know what it is. no mess no drama. they both enjoy the quiet of the other. they can parallel play and it’s no big deal. absolutely do not need each other, wouldnt NOT miss the other if they died or left but wouldn’t be broken up about it. and that’s such a relief, yknow? people get too many attachments.

and then after gamma and sigma… you KNOW those two were gossiping all the time and wyoming and maine were chilling. they brought their freelancers together for a play date while mommies drink wine. okay i hated that sentence sorry. and it’s implied they are no longer working together once sigma and maine go meta but imagine if they were… like what if gamma didn’t decide to not join the meta what if he wanted to go. i think wyoming would’ve let him. they’re not really dependent on each other.

and like i said. wyoming wouldn’t miss maine if he was gone , wouldn’t miss gamma if he was gone, but it’s harder not to miss them when they’re right next to you, yknow? he’ll get over it. he always gets over it. their relationship was strictly professional. his relationships are always professional.

[lokisasylum]

Oh you know its BAD when K-Army start talking about it...

Most of the k-army that were in the venue have been pointing out all the MANY mishaps the staff took with the preparations, how careless they were, how they did it all in a rush just MINUTES before the Weverse Live started.

How dim the lights were (or how there were NO lights on when Jimin first arrived). The malfunctioning monitors that never turned on.

Another K-army even mentioned how shocked she was that near the end when it was time to take the "group photo" the staff took it with a cellphone instead of a professional camera like on the other member's fanmeets.

And before you brush it off and say "Its no big deal." let me remind you something real quick.

Hybe made an estimated $11Million off of Jimin's Production Diary on the very day it was launched.

$11 Million in USD from 510,000 people who paid to watch it. (And lets not forget those who couldn't watch it in the moment due to different timezones but regardless, also PAID for the content)

LET THAT SINK IN FOR A SEC...

Now look at that set up for Jimin's Special Talk and tell me you're not asking yourself: "Where the fuck did all that money go?" Does that set-up look like it was made for an artist that made his company $11 Million dollars in a single day?

No, that set up looks like someone went dumpster diving on the back of Party City & grabbed the first things that they could find. (And that's saying a lot 'cause if you've watched any video on ppl who go dumpter diving you will know they tend to find more treasures than trash)

K-armys are upset and they have a right to be upset as are we. Because like a Japanese Army mentioned:

"I don't want to complain too much, but Jimin is the only one who has not been given a purchase link on Spotify, and even though he has been nominated for Billboard's Top Selling Song, there has been no restock since April and they have not supported the award opportunity, which is the least the agency can do. As a fan who has been working hard to support him, I'm a little confused because he hasn't been able to do so much."

[I'm not sure if they know the purchase link were added awhile ago, but anyway..]

Since we're on the topic of Spotify, lets not forget that Jimin is the ONLY BTS member that got removed from the "Fans Also Like" page from other members (and even BTS' own official profile):

In fact, Jimin doesn't even have that section in his own profile:

In comparison with other members:

Do I need to say more? Is the message not clear enough for you?

[changbinsboobs]

I think thats my biggest ick with idols in general they seem very mixed in terms of what they want in their readings as well like sometimes one of them wants a relationship but at the same time doesnt want someone whos always clingy to them 24/7 like sorry how do they expect their partner to be then? especially younger ppl are going to be like I get it if its a personal space thingy but at the same time they either do or dont want romance in their lives. that or a lot of it comes from their own insecurities too which you also wouldnt want to deal with if you have your own insecurities

and actually given the age demographic of their fan bases i can see older fans being slightly put off by wanting to engage in a romantic relationship with the members because mentally skz seem very young? esp felix i think some members could easily be taken advantage off whilst others need to dial their egos down a tad if they want a serious relationship (me talking about an idols relationship despite the fact ive never been in one myself lmaoooooooooo)

also chan not kissing yet is so relatable but still a bit of a surprise because he always seem to have girlies lusting after him so bro probs had 50 temporary relationships that fell through because of both their immaturities or general inexperience tho

this blog has so much tea its actually hilarious but im getting a better image of who id avoid sorry not sorry its not all about wealth or their idol image folks but bc their fans seem to be getting younger i feel like thats all they experience romantically and thus really do treat older fans like theyd be a personal waitress or their second mother as that other anon said its very immature if they really are like that but at the same time u wouldnt want to waste effort on a guy like that because its going to go nowhere

I find skz to be actually pretty divided between very mature, family oriented, man of their word kinda guys (seungmin, i.n, changbin & lee know) and the other half being pretty immature/toxic in one aspects or the other, romantically speaking.

I must say tho - i find it weird discussing their datability sometimes, and talking about them as if they're guys we know and actually have an option to date😅 well anyways, as u said some seem quite inexperienced or immature and especially people like that tend to not really know what they want which leads them to change their opinion or preference often or not being able to stick with one certain thing for a long while, cuz how can you know what you like and what you want when u don't even know urself right?!

And idk how you really meant it in ur last paragraph but i don't think the age of their fans has anything to do with the age range of the people they date�� if i remember correctly i did a reading on that a while ago, i don't remember what came up but overall i don't think any of them really do anything with fans - and even if they would, it wouldn't be with crazy obsessed fans (which probably the majority of those are younger) but with more mature ones that don't put them on a pedestal and just behave with dignity.

[krispycreamcake]

woah your matchups are so detailed ! 🩷 can i request one if that is okay? idk if this info will be okay but, here goes nothing: i'm 5'1 and v petite, w messy hair cut in a wolfcut. i have so much duality, both in personality and in my style: i can go from happy and sweet to ruthless and cold af in seconds so much that sometimes idk which of the two is the real me... i'm also v good at acting, lying and pretending. my style varies between emo and cutesy haha. i'm shy but i'm also a gremlin w the ppl i trust and can act v silly. i have v bad trust issues, i really can't trust anyone. i have anger issues too... my hobbies include writing, playing romance games and watching anime. i love rock music and visual kei too. i would love to learn how to play an instrument or learn to sing one day... my friends say i'm sweet and in general i'm cheerful around them ! i hide my feelings and struggle w them alone often, esp when i have anxiety.

my love language is gift giving. bc i'm not v smart and even if i have good intentions what i say might have the wrong effect i prefer comforting my friends making playlists for them or writing them a fic to cheer them up. i know if they lived near me i would always be buying little gifts for them haha but at the same time i'm super shy when it comes to accepting gifts bc i don't think i deserve them...

i'm also v romantic and daydream a lot, especially abt my yumeships. i can be cheeky and a quirk of mine is i tend to wink when taking selfies a lot > /// < i also obviously love vampires 🦇

idk if this info is okay... i'm sorry if i did this wrong and absolutely no pressure to answer ! thank you so so much either way ♡

From author: From what I've gathered, it looks like what you need is someone to spend quality time with.

Your need for that romance aspect in your life tells me that you're very open to relationships and would welcome one if it came your way. But you do need to be wary and try not to rush things as it may affect how much of you the boys could take.

Since you prefer staying home, I can decipher that you're not necessarily a very socially active person but that doesn't mean you don't enjoy building friendships since it's clear to me you care about your friends abundantly.

Because you deal with anxiety and emotions, this can show me that you may prefer to keep them locked away or even push them aside to forget about. I wanna hone in on this a bit because as we know all of the brothers have problems dealing with inner conflict and you not being able to navigate through your OWN ones would help better point to who you would work best with.

Because of your generally kind nature and ability to comfort people without necessarily using your words, this tells me that despite being faced with emotional obstacles from those around you, you still find it possible to respond in appropriate manners without the need to verbalize your care for someone.

And now that we've assessed you, your best match would be 🥁🥁🥁🥁

Azusa Mukami

Continue reading for more info

Azusa is someone that's known to be passive and soft spoken. His docile nature has lead him astray in the past and because of this, he needs someone that won't take advantage of him while also keeping him on his toes.

Because of your clashing tendencies of being kind and being assertive, this keeps him interested. Azusa would be exactly what you need when looking for a romantic partner seeing as he's always selfless and would constantly think of your needs first.

Azusa doesn't need to go out all the time and have fancy dates planned, he'd be perfectly comfortable just laying next to you while you scroll on social media or even listen to some Malice Mizer. As a matter of fact, he quite enjoys that band and loves it when you do decide to put on some music.

Because of your ability to navigate through emotional conflicts by showing remorse or even gratitude towards someone by giving them a gift, this shows Azusa that you care about him and that you're putting effort into the relationship. This would then have a domino effect of him learning to open up more and in return, making you be able to open up towards him.

He'd fully support your creative side and would encourage you to learn a new instrument and even sing. He'd be your biggest supporter no matter what you do.

[tirfpikachu]

Tumblr may have filtered my last ask bc it had a link, or maybe you weren’t interested in responding. If it was a fluke, I’d love to hear your thoughts on a post by butchmartyr/760478305191346176/noooo-trans-person-dont-mistake-your?source=share

My first thought was “there shouldn’t be gender affirming clothes” just clothes you like wearing or clothes that feel expressive. I stewed on it for a while because I definitely support people doing what works for them, but seeing this “no it’s not ur radical self acceptance, it’s trans apathy and don’t die wondering, u could be happier” was kinda wild. Anyway take care out there!!

NAUUURRRRR I WAS TOO LATE THE POST GOT DELETED???

but honestly from what you've said... i feel like trans ppl, especially those who go for more stereotypical opposite sex gender conforming clothes/hairstyles/etc can 1000% do gender affirming things that are sexist, or at least describe what they're doing in a sexist way. they often don't bother to look at their own behaviors thru a feminist lense. in their defense, they are often dealing with debilitating dysphoria and can't really think much beyond "i want the discomfort to stop" and humans often draw conclusions about strangers based on very stereotypical characteristics like long vs short hair, makeup, skirts/dresses vs shorts/pants, high pitched vs low pitched voice etc so for them, conforming to the opposite sex's stereotype means having an easier time being recognized as the opposite sex/agab. it means the awful feeling inside them stops and they get relief from the distress that dysphoria gives them. so they aren't thinking clearly, and i say this as someone who was dysphoric for like, 13 years.

honestly in some way i don't blame them - often they do this only until transition, and then i've found they (at least transmascs) are more likely to want to be visibly gnc post-transition. so they aren't just giving into the patriarchy's demands and reinforcing stereotypes permanently; it's a form of treatment, in a way. but the thing is that it's also addictive... they get validation from one stranger, whether it's just out of trans allyship or not, and then it makes the following times they're misgendered that much more painful. which makes them seek transition that much more desperately, understandably so.

the problem with this is that many of them don't just affect themselves with this. they affect "cis" gnc people too with how they talk about themselves and how they talk about gender-validating crossdressing ("crossdressing" can be a cringy word, but ykwim). they aren't just talking between themselves, as much as they tend to think they are. they're posting about this shit in public social media spaces with mildly dysphoric ppl and gnc people who can very well develop dysphoria thru reading their "how to Look Like A Man/Woman" type posts. if to "look like a man" or "look like a woman" you need to be gender conforming, what would that make "cis" gnc people reading it feel about themselves? in a world where we're always told that we're not man enough, we're not real women, we don't act or dress or think like a woman should? of course i developed dysphoria. ofc i did. many other detrans & post-trans gyns and detrans men developed it as a result of this kind of rhetoric. i understand that these ppl need tips from each other to figure out how to manage their dysphorias. i get that. but this shit isn't well moderated at all. they don't actually tell people hey, it's okay if you're just gnc. they don't put a dysphoria-inducing trigger warning or something. they don't realize that this is a... okay, this will be a weak metaphor, but kinda how some mental illness communities will give each other tips that really makes shit worse for ppl reading it who might not even have had any signs of mental illness symptoms before reading it. <<< another thing that happened to me btw, those tumblr spaces really made me mentally sick. i was always prone to it, same as how i was prone to dysphoria, bc of my upbringing & genes. but reading about very mentally sick people's deep inner thoughts really fucked with my head!! and reading about very dysphoric people's deep inner thoughts REALLY fucked with my sense of self. reading about them calling their boobs in masc outfits gross and disgusting and feeling slimy or whatever on their chest made me start feeling dysphoric about them; i had always felt insecure abt my body, and hated that it was so sexualized by boys, but suddenly i developed a whole new complex about it. i know gnc male/amab ppl can have similar feelings when transfems talk abt their bodies and how gross they looked in feminine outfits, how they wish they looked like cis women, how they can't wait to have that happened bc their current visibly gnc bodies are disgusting. cis/bio gnc men reading or listening to that shit can really gain so much shame abt their natural inclination towards femininity and traditionally unmasculine things.

trans people, dysphoric people really need to watch how they talk about their gnc bodies pre-transition and how much they casually gender clothes, hairstyles etc (even just in jokes). they also need to make sure their audience doesn't have ppl who are mildly, potentially treatable dysphorics who can fall deeper into dysphoria by reading what mainstream tras say about their gender nonconforming bodies and womanhood/manhood. they have no idea how many vulnerable, insecure people susceptible to new insecurities are reading what they're writing or hearing what they're saying. also, them trying to steal the "don't die wondering" sapphic slogan by making it about transness, making it about transition, is truly fucked up. if they listened to detrans/desisted/post-trans people AT ALL they would know what to do and not to do to prevent future detransitions. and detransitioners makes them look bad, as they always love to remind us, so why the fuck would they be so careless as to create more of us by not moderating their spaces? it harms trans people too, doesn't it?

we need more tra accountability. we need them to call this shit out.

[ayosdesignz-blog]

I finally finished good omens 2!!

Some spoilers I guess for those later into it than me:

Metatron is a manipulative shit. Calling it now.

He was part of the party that fired Gabriel, was the one to insist he be searched for quietly and then acted as if the angel group might be in trouble when all was said and done.

The natzi zombie thing was...horrific. Those poor ppl they ate...🥺

No spoiler I came across warned of them.

The friendship between Shax and her buddy she made a deal w/ was cool. I like how they honestly remained honest about helping each other so far. 🤣 They even did a fist bump over her prospective promotion to grand Duke of hell meaning she could drag his ranking up too!! And it's cute how she goes to the Traitor Crowly for advice or clarification after having taken his rank and that he actually gives it even when mocking.

I can see why ppls feelings were hurt by the ending but it wasn't THAT bad. Tho I think I'm only able to think that cuz I saw posts about a season 3 incoming so...lol.

I could honestly see where both were coming from regarding the whole "be together in heaven" thing but I think Crowly had the better idea of things. Both sides are toxic. They also give a lot of pressure. And while Aziraphale may want to change things on the inside it doesn't mean he'd be able to, even with the 2 of them. Especially since he's so gung-ho still about heaven being right.

Speaking of, am I the only one who found that odd? He's been questioning and circumventing heaven while collaborating with a demon for...too many damn centuries to just insist that Heaven is the good side like that negates all the things he's witnessed and gone through and had to work around to help ppl.

I mean the true start of his disquiet and discomfort was learning that a favored human of God was being purposely bullied, harassed, tormented, bereaved, and forsaken for a bet. A lousy bet with no true stakes or real worth since God is "all seeing and all knowing" and therefore shouldn't feel need to do so because of a demon's needling.

He seems like he's not really liked by other angels much and he knows the other higher ups don't really respect him. If he felt it hard to bend rules and such before why exactly does he think he will have an easier time avoiding direct orders from the very tops? Disregarding his excitement. Who will actually, properly listen to him? When he himself can be easily led if not feeling stubborn.

The whole last conversation between the demon and angel was just...I mean it struck me that Aziraphale tends to not listen. Not properly anyway. When Crowly wants to say something important-urgent even, he's disregarded or made to wait because Aziraphale just has to say or do his thing 1st. And even if or when he listens...he doesn't do so fully. Not for the important conversations we got to witness. He'll insist on things having to go his way or no way at all unless he's kinda forced to reconsider or compromise. And sometimes that takes him awhile.

Like why was it such a big deal for him to admit he likes Crowly even now? After everything. He chose "its us against them" as his side but still looks perturbed when someone says they're friends. Still insists he's on the good side, heaven's side. He can say he needs Crowly and wants them to work together in heaven. But not try to discuss anything further because their viewpoints differ again.

Personally I don't see why they don't plan out how to make it all work in their favor, get heaven to make a few more concessions or whatever and if after both are now angels and still don't like the mindless/senseless harm heaven tries to make them do they can then run off far away together like Crowly has wanted since...before season 1 I think? It would make it only 1 faction likely to chase them instead of both as previously feared.

Also I'm disappointed that Aziraphale didn't defend Crowly when Metatron insulted him for having "too many fool questions". And was actually a warning flag for me. Yknow aside from the look he gave Crowly when 1st leaving.

Anyway!

I'm a little disappointed with the style Crowly chose to blend in to heaven. I mean he was cute or whatever but I missed the curl/wave to his hairrrrrrr 😫

I like that Crowly confronted Gabriel about how mean he was to Aziraphale before trying to kill him. He didn’t remember as it happened but I'm sure he remembers once he got his thoughts back. Still could've gave a proper thank you to both tho.

I also like that Aziraphale didn't push Crowly away from him for the kiss. Couldn’t tell if he kissed back. But he did rub his hands on Crowly's back so that's something I guess lmao.

Oh! But the end credits! That was interesting. Crowly maintained his upset but stoic disposition while Aziraphale kept trying to force his pleasant smile on his face over and over.

It occurs to me the whole promotion thing could be a trap.

[castlebyersafterdark]

waaait Noah has said he sees Mike when he looks at finn? 😳🤭 oh no hello blurred lines!! one can only hope something like that doesn’t end up hurting him in the end… for many reasons…. him coming to accept his sexuality via the show, then seeing finn as mike, then getting to act out a big romance when he hasn’t even had a real life bf yet all at the literal end of the road for a show he’s grown up with … it all could fuck with someone’s head big time so I hope he can be ok with all of that and not be thrown for an emotional loop.

but anyways like I think rpf ships that are m/m are always judged harsher than straight ones for obvious reasons and it’s always pretty blatant too. And like considering a ton of actors hook up, date or even get married by meeting on set (aka no diff than dating your coworker at your office job or grocery store or whatever you work or go to school etc it’s proximity!) it always confused me why some are soooo against even talking about the possibility of all of that in fan spaces. I can see how they wouldn’t want it to leech out of those fan spaces and be shoved in the actors faces and make them uncomfy, that’s valid, but like… shipping is something so normal to humans. Be it celebs or real ppl in our lives we have ALL done the oh they’d be so cute together! stuff…. it’s a shame fandoms now are so heavily policed about it though

COSIGNED. To the second part, not to get too downer of a topic, and it's not that everyone needs to care about the 'shipping aspect' of actors and celebrity, but just for the topic of gossip and relationship intrigue... there is such a double standard, we all know this. Because the worst thing a straight man can be accused of is gay, right? I get the topic of outing and pressure - but I always advocate to keep fan spaces and discussion contained to communities that are centered around that sort of thing.

Don't harass actors, don't spam their social media. What's the big deal about speculating about a relationship? It's really like you said, we're observing people and how they interact. We do it to our friends, our coworkers, etc. Film sets are where their jobs take place. Relationships form. Not uncommon. We're just, as fans, privy to insights of these people's work life and we're just making observations. It didn't used to be this big of a deal, for sure. And people who weren't into it were a lot chiller about just ignoring those parts of the fandom. At least, in the fandoms I was in that had a focus on both fictional characters and actors. I know SPN was a big fandom with both aspects but I never watched that show faithfully or dealt with the fandom myself. Was the contention huge about the existence or did people tend to turn a blind eye I wonder, because I know at least the actor shipping seemed as big as the show shipping, just from an outsider perspective...

[djuvlipen]

The whole slavic anon talk got me thinking, but I don't do original posts so I thought maybe you'd like this little thinkpiece/explanation. Don't feel the need to respond.

Slavic radbrl's extreme defensiveness over being accused of racism/"mixed up with the rest of white people" points me to extreme disconnection from their own community with a pinch of being terminally online. Navigating the power dynamic where you're white but not white enough to be considered part of the "civilized world" is hard and can be painful at times, which is why you'd see slavic people trying so hard to stick with poc with the whole "we're not like other white people" rhetoric. Because xenophobia is never talked or taken about seriously they can't explain why we're treated like that by western europeans, so searching for community with poc just makes sense to them. You see the word racism used by slavic ppl instead of what it actually is (xenophobia) for the exact same reason.

(also, there's legitimate movements to recognise slavic people as people of color, most of them seem to be spearheaded as Ukrainians or people of Ukrainian ancestry, which is not a coincidence imo)

Getting a reality check that yeah, you're still an opressor class, actually, sets off a defensive response in many people because they've personally never gotten the privileges of being a part of the opressor class (or, yknow. Never realised they did), which makes sense, but honestly I'd expect a better attitude from the community that seems to understand how intersectionality works.

But there's also this disconnect where slavic people tend to be very distant from our (admittedly pretty ugly) history and culture, only nit-picking the bits they like, because the rest of it reminds them that we ultimately live in a culture that is incredibly misogynist, racist, homophobic and xenophobic, which doesn't fit with the idea of being that perfect victim a lot of slavic ppl on the internet strive to be.

There's this idea that the only way to gain sympathy from the west (which we subconsciously aim for despite all out sneers at them because sometimes it feels like it's the only way for our countries to survive, and sometimes it actually is) is to make them realise we never actually "deserved" the way we treated. Facing all the pain we've caused to Roma and Jewish people and countless other nations makes you doubt and think that maybe you *did* deserve that - which is a very wrong way to go to begin with, but it's just easier to distance yourself from your history - your responsibility - and live in that comfy little bubble where your people never done any wrong because understanding that we still don't deserve the shit we get from the west despite all this, but at the same time should finally take some action against racism and discrimination we take part in today and at least apologise for what we did in the past takes some damn reflexion and mental resource and thought not all people are capable of. Especially not those who came to radbrl to escape the already painful reality with having to deal with Eastern European men, lol.

Not an excuse, of course, this phenomenon just seems very interesting to me personally since I observe it often in real life too.

(also the whole "slavic countries, aside from Russia" thing just feels so pretentious to me as a Ukrainian. I'd bet some serious money these people only mean Russia's attitude towards Ukraine that came to light recently and maybe other Eastern European countries, but not the North Asian native people that Russian colonised and killed because they wouldn't have even added that little "except Russia" to the list of they knew their own country's history with racism, which I'm sure there is some. Also, all that aside, is Russia not overwhelmingly slavic with slavic mindset and culture anyway? What's your reason for putting it aside like that, anon? Uncomfortable with the fact they're part of our ethnicity? Yeah, me too.)

Hi! Thank you for your input. You made a lot of good points, especially regarding the lack of education about xenophobia, and I don't think I can add much besides saying 'yeah that's true', especially since I'm a Westerner it wouldn't be fair of me to speak over you.

However as a Romani woman there are some parts where I disagree with you. I don't think Slavic people are trying to stick with people of colour by saying they are not like other white people. To me the very statement that Slavic people aren't like other white people is baffling. We can agree that Slavic people face xenophobia and persecution in the West based on the idea that they are not white *enough*, but the emphasis here is on "enough". They are still white and they have historically oppressed Romani people and they continue to do so. I don't see Slavic people distancing themselves from whiteness as an attempt at solidarity with poc. Roma have faced and still face institutionalized segregation, police brutality, forced sterilization, being put in ghettos, being denied access to school and healthcare, they never got compensation for slavery or for the pogroms and massacres they survived. Because the majority of us (esp. in Eastern Europe) are visibly brown and have a dark skin. Slavic people can't relate to that and the fact that they still continue to be so racist against Roma (like, the situation of Roma in Eastern Europe is so appalling, human rights violations are being committed against Roma everyday and we all know it) yet think of themselves as different from other white people is laughable at best. I am not only talking about myself here, all the other Romani women I've talked to on the matter echoed that sentiment and some were way, way less polite than I am when talking about this, because they live(d) in Eastern European countries and they have experienced racism first hand.

The idea that Slavic people are somehow different from other white people lies on the idea that racism against Roma is less reprehensible that racism against other people of colour. Slavic people who argue they are different from white westerners say they never colonized third world countries and say they never enslaved black Africans. So they recognize that racism against third world people and black people is bad. But they can't apply the same thinking when it comes to racism against Roma.

For the same reason, I wouldn't say Slavic people who say this are nit-picking bits of their history to leave aside the parts they don't like. I think it's actively rewriting history to try and pretend Slavic people were never racist against Roma to the same extent white westerners were to other poc. And this erasure has deep consequences on the lives of Roma today: they still haven't gotten reparation for slavery and we barely got any reparation for the Holocaust. The reason white people erase anti-Roma racism from history is because they don't want to compensate us and they don't want to acknowledge anti-Roma racism is bad, because they hate us. And the idea that Slavic people were not like other white people or were even people of colour (ridiculous considering that they have a white skin) has been used to silence acknowledging the severity of anti-Roma racism. Years ago when I was talking about Czech policemen kneeling on a Romani man's neck and smothering him to death, Czech users replied by insulting me, saying I was racist against Czech people, put me on blocklists, and then sent me anon hate telling me my whole family should be shot and Europe should be cleaned of gypsies.

So I think the main characteristic of that "not like other whites" phenomenon is how it erases the history of anti-Roma racism and acts like it isn't as bad as what other poc go through when Romani rights are constantly violated every other day in Slavic countries. But I do agree with a lot of what you are saying, I don't think Slavic people's anti-Roma racism or antisemitism should be used to justify persecuting them, and I agree that more people should be aware of how xenophobia is and works. I agree that there must be a lot of psychological reasons behind this phenomenon, you highlighted them very well and it was very interesting!

[tau1tvec]

I hope it's okay to talk to you here. I feel that so many people compare themselves to others and feel bad because of that, that's so awful. I have also this feeling like, I do something, it's so nice, but I feel so bad after I see other people did such a great stuff. It's sad because I even wanted to leave simblr for good. I don't even know how to fight this feeling. I'm sorry and I hope you have a nice day and feel much better than me rn. <3

I'm sorry to hear about your predicament, anon, it's tough being a dark place like this and not knowing how to get out, and tbh I don't think there's any one successful, let alone easy way of doing so.

One thing I will say for sure however, is that this is a completely regular human feeling a lot of people experience, all the time. How you're going to recognize it, and work through it is what you should be focusing on. We certainly do not want to let negative thoughts mess with how we feel when we're in a situation like this, bc it can cause us to make rash, and unproductive decisions, but sometimes the best thing we can do is accept that a lot of the negativity around the issue is probably related to something bigger we're dealing with, but also the act itself.

Removing yourself from the situation all together for a time, if it's making you that upset, is never a terrible idea. Taking some time away from online spaces, and finding something else to focus on for a time, be it catching up on your watch list, or spending time outdoors can offer you the clarity you need to find out what it is exactly that's upsetting you, and what needs to be done to help you through it in the future.

The one thing ppl tend to forget about social media is that in the end all be all, it's a communal space, whose sole purpose is prioritize clicks, and ads. You're going to have to share this space with other ppl, your content is going to have to share this space with other content, even content that might make you feel bad, you have to be willing to use the tools this site and third party tools give you to make this place safer for you, and for others, bc as much as it hurts to tell you this, the majority of ppl on here, aren’t going to know how or when they need to accommodate for you, and you'd be swimming against the current trying to get them to, and although I, and many others do our best to do what we can, ppl cannot, and should not be expected to stop posting their content, just bc it makes yours feel like it pales in comparison, especially since that's just what you see, not what others see when they consume and appreciate your content regardless of how you feel about it.

Lemme reiterate, I've been there, I still go there, but I've accepted that it's tied to my mental health, and my imposter syndrome, and my past trauma, and those are all my responsibility to contend with, and I'd be a hell of a hypocrite to say that bc myself or my content feels inferior to me or compared to someone else, that it's suddenly somehow their problem too?

It's not, bc I know without a doubt someone has felt this about me and/or my content at some point in my life too, bc this is a regular human feeling, everyone feels, at some point in their life. The only difference is how we deal with it, and whether we let it define us, and everything we do.

[purpleyoonn]

I think its frustrating that people doesn't understand how hard it is to write under pressure. Its one thing to get compliments, and another to feel like a press machine? I hope people respect you more after reading this!! If they don't, I hope they have the sense to google some of the things you mentioned to see how they affect someone. I think knowing these things helps a lot for general compassion when we live in a world of empathy fatigue.

With that in mind, the fatigue behind disabilities is something (some) people don't seem to get? I have Narcleopsy type 2 so I struggle a lot with chronic tiredness. It's not easy to deal with!! Some days its a choice between if I'm going to make myself meals, or if I'm going to take care of myself. (To oversimplify it in a way to show my own struggle). I can't imagine your own situation, but I know how mine affects me.

I actually find you really inspirational because of this- not just your writing (cause its beautiful af and sooooo well thought out), but also because of how hard you work. The past 3 years I've hit a rut because my psychologist basically said I need to give up all hope of a normal life. That college, work, etc is not possible. That my life is just going to be some early onset of poverty-stricken retirement starting in my 20s. I really had no hope, only a lot of fear. But following your blog for the short time I have has uplifted me so much. Not just from your newest series you started (I have a serious fear of not having worth because of my own disabilties) but from everything you've said and written.

I think you're incredible. I'm terrified of my future, if I will ever live a normal life. You've helped me want to start looking for a new normal, and to fight for what I want. So please keep setting boundaries because you're amazing. You need to take care of yourself for you ❤️

I try to reign in my online interactions (I don't do very well, I comment too much and annoy some ppl I think djfjjf) because I tend to be misunderstood a lot. I hope my sincerity is clear. Because you really are fantastic, and it's not fair for people to push you 😣

you made me cry with your words and understanding😭

pressure is such a struggle to be under. like I sometimes wonder if I should take another break but I love writing and I love posting for you guys. there is a line between loving a story and just being curious to when im posting next and sending me ask after ask and messages wondering and pushing me to post the next chapter.

its hard for me even now going through the trial of getting my diagnosis (still going through it unfortunately) but my biggest diagnosis so far is pots. it is so hard for me to understand why my body does what it does and I even fainted for the first time today helping my grandma in the kitchen. my heart rate was in the 170's and I almost gave my grandma a heart attack. just standing up from the couch my heart rate skyrockets and I go into prescyncope (which means im about to faint but don't). fatigue is a real struggle every day and some days are better than others.

I also learned last week that people with pots have a quality of like likened to those on dialysis with kidney failure. that's hard to grasp and understand. a normal life is hard to imagine sometimes and feels impossible.

it truly is a choice between eating and taking care of yourself some days. sometimes its even hard to get out of bed.

im am so happy that ive been able to help uplift you and help you believe that normal is possible for you. I understand being terrified of your future and I completely get where those thoughts come from. I hope that the both of us get everything we want from life and our disabilities don't hold us back.

thank you so much for your ask and your kind and understanding words.

[bratspike]

I was already 99 percent sure Ilsa isn't dead, and then McQ went and 'confirmed' it, so now I know for sure isn't. It's just going to be mildly annoying to deal with fandom newbies who don't understand how him and Tom operate, especially if part 2 doesn't come out for another 5 years.

exactlyyyyyyy like if you know anything about how they work together and write stories and if you just pay attention to the story that dr is trying to tell its very obvious that she’s still alive

this is the quote that ppl are freaking out about and like. guys. it’s a whole bunch of nothing. he’s literally only talking about how it was hard to not have rebecca in every scene in dr1 😭

ilsa’s ‘death’ provides appropriate stakes for those who aren’t familiar with the franchise or who don’t Understand ethan and ilsa. and ilsa being in the wind doing god knows what is terrifying enough for ethan to make all of his reactions very real. he tends to lose people close to him—when’s the last time someone he LOVES died? julia luther benji are all still kicking despite some very close calls. mcq and tom aren’t going to have him lose her entirely. just for a little while

also there’s a reason they wrote luther out of the final sequence. like can you imagine the train with him and ilsa added? too many factions already onboard for it to ‘stay mission’ they needed to keep it as streamlined as possible (lol we know that’s relative for tom and christopher)

[m1ckeyb3rry]

FOUL PLAY omg it must be the govt again….trying to get more trainers SMH

The calculus jumpscare I can’t LMAOO bro not Barou watching out for us from heaven I’m imagining your Barou doodle plus that one so sorry I died audio SHSHSHSS

Ok I changed my mind I’m merging them all back together oops

Omg bro the itoshi sae effect is crazy I need to know what ppl see in him (or don’t see LMAOO) whatever suits their fancy ig im very shocked there was no Nagi though considering he’s also pretty big

LMAOOO I remember searching up the lore for it once and being like wtf wait the fact that there’s fire grass but no rock normal is kinda baffling like huh there’s none????

SHSHSSH NOEL NOA BEFORE NAGI they got the wrong light haired striker imagine the Noel one hits 50k LMAOO

SHEHSH Rin nation really cut it close it’s funny how they actually did manage to get one in though

Ok wait yk that theory of like Prof oak getting with Delia (ash’s mom) while ash is away (this is a WILD theory but) imagine aiku tries to rizz up nikos mom while he’s journeying LAMAOOOOOO anyways

HAHA notion coming in clutch fr I used to just scroll through your blog occasionally or rely on my memory (bad move) but now I’ve just given up and saved if separately LMAO

Mmmm yes pokemon and their trainers developing hand in hand we love to see it

LMAO YES joltik alpha wolf moment that’s also why the next time Karasu has to go against it he throws out his garchomp LMAOO the Gordon Ramsay meme has me gone consider this too Karasu channels his inner step bro Barou moment x Gordon Ramsay chemical reaction and goes “otoya you fucking donkey”

Charles Shidou and hoopa is a recipe for disaster they’re about the change the tilt of the planets axis there goes the peaceful wedding reception

The word count inflation is actually insane I’m not sure I’ll ever look at a wc under 1k the same way (jk some are still fire but ykwim)

KARASU TIME ok serious more angsty right make him drown this time.

/hj LMAOOO I mean if you’re so inclined itd be interesting Karasu truly very versatile though so many avenues for suffering!

- Karasu anon

LMAOO okay lowkey if we want to throw some team x drama in there maybe his house was victim of a larger scale team x raid?? hehehe we will see…either way it’s rough for the poor guy

I’M SORRY I LOVE CALC 😭 i always get funny looks for it but i must speak my truth i think it’s so fun (specifically integration i LOVE integration) but HAHAHAHA that’s exactly what i was picturing like that one fuck ass sketch of him like 😢 with that audio LMAO

honestly i feel like sae is the kind of character i would usually like?? i tend to like prodigy/genius characters that are super good at what they do (so like yuta and megumi in jjk for example) which fits sae super well but for some reason i just never got into him like that (also his early manga appearances are so cursed omg i better never see a sae fan slandering 8bit they saved his entire career) anyways ig that description also fits my actual top 3 (nagi obviously, karasu as no3, and barou again is kinda clear) plus those three are much more my typical type…karasu and barou with the spiky black hair and nagi with the soft white hair 🤩 NAH FR I KNEW NAGI WAS ON TJE OUTS W THE FANDOM LATELY BUT ZERO REQS FOR HIM?? truly insane work…tbh i actually don’t mind because i’m so particular with how i write nagi that adhering to someone else’s vision might stress me out so it’s not a huge deal that he didn’t get requested i just think the composition is hilarious there’s so much much sae and karasu (karasu fr pulling through if nothing else ik i’ll always get a req or two of him…the kuni love triangle with him is abt to go crazy)

YEAH I WAS LOWKEY SURPRISED ASF TOO but apparently rock is also the only type that’s never been paired with ghost?? i think that’s really interesting kinda random but huh the more you know

THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYINGGG WDYM WE GOT NOEL NOA BEFORE NAGI 🧐⁉️ but they requested a crime au and said they’re not super married to how it goes but they just want a happy ending you know i’m abt to go full murder mystery in this bitch 🔥 jkjk ofc but i think it’ll be really fun considering i’ve never written noa OR anything crime related before!! tbh i wasn’t expecting anyone to pick it but it should be fun 😈 ngl i’m surprised forbidden love, supernatural au (as in vampires and werewolves and shit not the actual show which i haven’t watched), historical au, and arranged marriage didn’t have ANY takers but oh well all of the tropes i do have lined up look like they’ll be super cool so i am excited 🤩

i was sitting there like “hm i wonder who the last req will be for…lowkey can’t believe we haven’t gotten any rin” and then BAM there the notif was i was like holy shit i just closed the app 😭 rip nagi yukimiya otoya you’ll get em next time (at least i get to try writing reo for the first time hehehe i loveeee reo 🥹) wait if you think abt it we got the entire opp squad on the masterlist…kaiser sae isagi AND rin those four truly are inescapable 😩 WAIT YKW WOULD’VE SLAYED AN AIKU REQ pls i didn’t even care abt aiku pre oaeu but now he’s like a silly fav LMAOAOA like i don’t even find him that attractive as you know i just think he’s hilarious and so fun to write (ig the aikulations will have to be reserved for the oaeu fr)

ok wait now that i’m thinking abt it once bllk s2 comes out and the fandom hopefully grows i lowkey might hit another milestone kinda quickly so everyone who didn’t get a req this time around can hopefully be redeemed then 🤩 especially since more people will remember/know/care about tabieitaken and nagi right after third selection and u20 (although sae will def be big too atp i should just change to a sae theme /j)

HELPP AIKU TRYING TO RIZZ UP NIKO’S MOM the craziest part is technically they’d be in the same age group considering aiku’s older than reader and co (he’s in the barou age bracket so it’s only a few years but still) and niko’s the same age as nagiy/n’s daughter here so he actually could become niko’s step father…or dare i say the father who stepped up 🤔

karasu bringing out garchomp against joltik is so funny bro is NOT playing…joltik (or ig galvantula because it def evolves before karasu’s gible gets all of the way to garchomp status) puts up a good fight but in the end it’s overwhelmed 😩 so then reader busts out the big guns and tosses in hydreigon or gyarados and karasu’s cooked 😭

PLS karasu and gordon ramsay is such an iconic chemical reaction it’s too good and omg i almost used the gordon ramsay you fucking donkey quote but then i was like “nah this is too barou” he def would say that though and reader would like start crying because it reminds her of barou meanwhile karasu’s like damn i didn’t know you took the anti bullying campaign that seriously 😟

HAHA charles and shidou are bad enough on their own adding hoopa into the mix is CRAZY hoopa’s a psychic/ghost type so it’s 4x weak to ghost and dark types i bet houndoom and aegislash get put on legendary babysitting duty (hydreigon would also be involved but it’s too busy networking w yveltal…bro is fr in his mira era trying to get those linkedin connections and whatnot)

proud to be a word count inflator nah fr though whenever i see someone post a 3k word one shot and be like “i got carried away this is so long” it instantly recalibrates me because to me 3k is mega short and tiny…like carried away with a one shot means 10k+ (depending on the idea…like i wouldn’t say i got carried away w barou’s oaeu even though it’s abt 10k words meanwhile freaky friday at 8-9k ish definitely got carried away…not to mention both bfbs which are drastically different in length but both long given the time frames of the plots and what they’re trying to achieve???)

LMAOOO I DON’T MEAN CHARACTER DEATH ANGST more so smth along the lines of the instrument (specifically the first part) and wicked game (kiyora fic) idk if you know what i’m saying…not angsty depressed vibes or anything but like i want there to be a tinge of melancholy and maturity to it instead of the typical karasu goofiness (bfb isn’t quite crack but because they’re kids for so much of it there’s not that same punch yk) idk if i’ll actually get around to doing it for a sec though…much to be written not enough time to be writing it all i fear

[outsidereveries]

thank you so much for replying to my ramble and i agree with your response its almost like too much, less should always be more but groups have nearly 30 something memebrs in them or they have ine cool idea and then suddenly every other group is doing it. kpop sometimes just make me want to dig my own grave it really does take the fun out of something light and make it more toxic but theres not much else for someone my age to be a fan of without having to deal with bs basically. then theres always going to be folk who either need to overreact to things that arent an issue or

i feel bad for any newer younger idol, as they going to have to grow up on a smartphone basically subjecting themselves to online scrutiny bc groups cant exist without internet trends sadly. i think groups could still be successful without it and it would be more refreshing as well instead nothing really new anymore cause i seen a group do xyz thing some time ago or im supposed to be surprised at every bit of dating "scandal" there is.

i tend to prefer groups that i either dont care deeply about or groups that have fewer members in them so i dont need to know all their perosnal details nor do i check their social medias 24/7 cause i hate those platforms, i really do think idols would have more respite if smartphones had never been invented. like have smartphones but just for text and calls thats all i would personally need them for. yet it seem to have become a whole other thing where its so overwhelming what we have to be entertained by and yet a tthe same time it is short entertainment like in the form of reels or tiktoks

maybe am just a boomer stuck in a millenails body rofl like kids do whattever they want for online attention and its just quite sad really that idols cant even do vlives without being harassed by sasaengs calling them or ppl following them everywhere they go bc now everyone know which idols doing what and where

the main issue is related to every electronic device which irradiates us, even including smartphones. the irradiation in basically why out mind is like that and i am including the younger idols in this case. okay, there are other reasons for anyone's actions like how we are raised, our environment, but the irradiation basically influenced the newer generations (millenials to an extent, mine, z, alpha and eventually the future ones - beta, gamma..), it shrink our mind in a way or another, it restricts everything! it makes us to think for such little things that in k-pop makes it a scandal!! this includes everything you said and i agree with you, i just tried to dive from another look

we're like old people in the case we don't care in the industries we've been interested in before, that's it🥲

[amjusthappee00]

"Time Heals Every Wound"

As I finished watching a Kdrama series entitled"Daily Dose of Sunshine", it reminded me how important mental health awareness is. Each one of us needed some outlets to vent or let all the negative emotions out from your system.

So, here's my way of letting out all these thoughts out of my neurons. Let's type it in English para syala (charaught). I don't wanna share this so you can pry on my private life, nope. I don't wanna lay all my hidden cards just for you, Marites (charaught). I just wanna inspire all those ppl who's having difficulty in dealing with their mental health.

Here it goes… During my younger years, I was fond with my father and I was called "Tatay's girl". I remembered all those happy memories with him. Clinging unto him and sitting upon his lap while him singing. He has so many dad jokes and my mom has it too! Everytime my family will go out, I was always with him. There are times he'll carry me up in his shoulders, we call it "usong". He'll always 'usong' me cause I like being tall. But all things changed… It all started when I was at the age of 8 and I'm in 3rd Grade. I witnessed an act, a father shouldn't do to his children. But I didn't know that before I witnessed it, it has been his habitual deed. Then the dark days fell upon my family. Starting there, I acquired a psychological trauma. I started.. being distant and cautious around him, I didn't wear shorts, sleeveless and chest-revealing tops, I stopped talking in eye-to-eye and felt uncomfortable beside him. That fear or uncomfortableness got bigger and wider as I grew up …and extended towards all men. Highschool days slash teenage days, I was around 2nd year or 3rd year when my Nanay and Tatay got separated and had their new partners in life. We were left behind in our house, me and my siblings. That was our rough years of our lives. Living under one roof with traumas. During daytime, we struggle for everyday expenses like going to school—the fare and food cause when Tatay says everytime he'll give us 'baon' for like 5 pesos, 10 pesos he'll say, "What will we do? That's only my money."—in a pagalit way. But with all those, we always go to school everyday cause we have dreams to fulfill. In nighttime, we struggle for our fear of him. Me, my Ate Jeffie and Ate Jenet will always pray every night and always bring 'sundang' (a big knife) beside our bed… Later on, as my parents part ways, my Tatay left with his new partner and he didn't totally support our household finances and he didn't send us to school financially. He also said the most painful words that, "She's not my child", while pointing at me. It was all painful as he said those words infront of me. I've known and acknowledged him as my father inspite of all those things he said and done. Living with all those fears and traumas we still live life to the fullest. Instead of getting sad or being hopeless, we remain faithful, hopeful and accepting the fact that Nanay, Tatay and our family will never be the same again. As we graduated college, indeed it's "the best revenge of all those challenges and trials". As my age every year increases, my psychological trauma's still remains within me. When we discovered my father's illness got worst, people throw sharp words at us that "Balikbaliktarin man ang mundo, Tatay niyo pa rin siya". It's easier said than done. Well, despite him without asking for forgiveness, we still remain his children and forgive him. We tend and cares for him… And in the long run, the hate, anger and fear changed into sympathy. Sympathy for his new life wherein we saw how his life was ruined by his past actions. We saw how hard his new life is. All throughout our lives, there are so many "what ifs" came in our mind. Like.. "What if..he never did what he did?" "What if.. children can choose their parents?" And so many thoughts like, "Buti pa sila.." Buut thinking all those things we've experienced, that made us stronger and I'm thankful for those things—the sad, happy, fearful, successful and conquered happenings in our lives. Thank God! And now, I can say, "Tay, ginpapasaylo ka na namon. Ginhimu namon tanan para la masumpayan imo kinabuhi pero kay di man naton kaput an aton hinuram na kinabuhi. Kaya Tay, pahuway na dayon. Di ka na makakafeel kasakitan kun hain ka man yana. Nawa'y gabayan ka san aton makagarahum na Amay san imo paglakaton. Till we meet again. "

And now, I can tell… Time really heals every wound in God's will and timing. 🥹😭🙏🏼

PS: still overcoming the trauma, but in God's will .. it'll be healed.