#we live in a fallen world. this world is unfair but there's a chance at redemption

[idiosyncraticrednebula]

Can people stop the "Don't call yourself a feminist if-" crap? Y'all still believe in the blatant lies of that movement and ideology?

[shapard]

Feather of Fate🕊️

Lucifer x Seraphim!fem!reader

Soulmate arc

A/n: A little bit late for Valentine, but here ya go! Idk when I'll continue this, but this has been stuck in my brain for a long time.

Goldwing

Chapter 1 > Chapter 2

You’ve heard about the story tales from your Mother Sera. How Lucifer has fallen because of his bizarre dreams.  To give humans a free will, which cost chaos to the world. 

As a punishment he was forced out of heaven with his Love Lilith. Sera claims that she wanted you to be safe, so there is one top rule she set up: Don’t Question heaven. 

You keep on holding tight to this one rule, not like your sister Emily. She gets into a lot of trouble when you’re not watching, which gets you also in trouble. 

Big Sister, Big responsibility, that’s what your mother always says. 

Sitting on the couch looking down at the apple sign on your wrist. It was a small apple with a snake surrounding it. It’s a Soulmate mark.

Every Angel gets a soulmate, so they get the perfect heir, some angels describe It as a heart pull and ache. You don’t really enjoy that you’re forced to love someone. It’s somewhere unfair that humans can marry someone they choose to love and trust. Meanwhile when Angels reject their bond, it will kill the two Soulmates in a span of time. 

Even when they’re too long apart it will show in a disturbing way. Aggression, Not eating, no sleep, the list goes on and on.

Putting your sleeve above your mark, not wanting anyone to see it. You got once because of it in trouble. Not a pleasant memory that you want to re live.

It does remind people of Lucifer, but he got Lilith, his soulmate. So that possibility is shrunk to zero. Why else sacrifice living in heaven for a woman?

Today was the meeting with Charlie the daughter of Lucifer. She wanted to talk about a hotel named Hazbin Hotel. 

…Time Skip…

The court room was all a mess, chaos has broken out whispering and hushes echoed through the pearly white halls. 

Emma broke the Silence with her soft singing voice “But she was right, Sera. She Showed us the soul can Improve. He saw the light, Sera. Checked all the boxes that you said would.” You Interrupted Emily and for the first-time in your live, you disobeyed the one set rule. 

“Prove a person deserve a second chance, now we turn our Backs, no second glance?” Sera looked towards you slightly disappointed but also guilty. 

Then the bomb was thrown in the room, extermination. It left you speechless. Why hide something like this and say it was for protection? 

It all went down so quick and with one move you started to doubt everything in heaven. Sera was scared, scared shitless that she’d loose Emily and you, but mostly you. 

You started to Ignore her and rarely left your room. The betrayal was harsh for you. You trusted your mother dearly and now you find out that your mother kills souls because she feels threatened. Threatened because of Lucifers dreams she said was once foolish. 

You started to break rules after Rules, causing a havoc in heaven when you leaked the Information about an extermination in hell. And in less than a week you were in chains in the courtroom. 

“Do you have any Idea what damage you’ve done Y/n?” Sera’s voice echoed through those now soulless halls. The seats now all almost empty. “What damage I’ve done? You call me the Imposter, but have you ever thought what you’ve done? You lied to your people AND your Family Sera.” 

Ouch, you never called her Sera just Mom. “Just do it already, I’m tired of hanging in here and watching my failure of a mother trying to push this longer.” You spat on the cold floor. The coldness reminds you how the last few days felt in heaven. Cold and lonely. “As you wish, do it.” her voice cracked, it was barely audible, but you could hear it. 

You shut your eyes tight and with a swift Moment you felt how your wings were cut off, your scream filled these cool, lonely court room. Sera was already gone, not wanting to see how she failed in one of her children.

The rest of your wings were ripped out of your back, making gold blood squirting all over the white floor painting it in a unique color. And then you fell, too exhausted to let out a desperate call for the comfort of your own mother.  

She didn’t even stay. 

Tears pooled lightly out of your eye. Even though heaven didn’t feel like home anymore, you’ll still miss heaven. 

The wind gushed on your Injured back making it only hurt more than it already does, you fell so fast, this is something you never really experienced you never fell as an Angel. But you fell, you fell deep and Landed on the ground. 

It the worst you’ve felt in these last hundred years of living. The bone that was connecting your wings with your body broke more into splinters at the impact. It had dirt sticking on your bones making you hiss as you tried to stand up making them move slightly in the dust. No success. 

You tried a couple more times, but you feel your stamina running out fast, so you just gave up. You laid there for a couple of seconds before you eventually pass out. 

Lucifer sat in his magic room, where his magical creations came from. The only thing besides Charlie what kept him happy. He took final glances at his old façade. 

It’s time to move on and move into the Hazbin hotel, even though he hates that radio guy, he does everything for his little Charlie. He walked out of his mansion closing it with a key. Taking a deep breath, he spun around and was ready to go. 

Something crashed loud in front of him, swirling all the dirt into Lucifers face. He coughed and waved the dust away. “What the fuck?” He looked at the cause for this early tumult, only to see a very beautiful woman in front of him. It didn’t take him a while to see that she was pretty bad Injured. His eyes dropped at the golden blood. “Oh no.”

The figure tried to stand up but fall multiple times and passed out after a while. No, no, no, no. Turning her around to see the damage, and it is bad. 

Three main bones ripped and broken apart, making him note down that she wasn’t just any Angel, she is a seraph. “Let me help you.” He carried her body very carefully, so he couldn’t do more damage towards her back. Teleporting himself and his other stuff in the hotel apartment, he laid you on his bed with your belly pressed on the mattress. 

He started to heal your back slowly and washed off the dirt from your face and the injury. He knew he couldn’t fully heal her wings back. But she could survive this with his help. And in an odd reason he couldn’t let her die. Some kind of pull on his heart making him already slightly attach towards the sleeping beauty. 

And this routine was repeated every day and when he realized her back was fully healed, he turned her on her back again. Seeing her now in all her beauty. 

“How can someone be this pretty?” he moved a hair strand out of your face and held your cheek. Stroking it a couple of times, it is as if he’s hypnotized. 

Shaking his head, he let go of her very quickly, “Lucifer you can’t just touch someone, she doesn’t even know you nor who you are.” He bit his long-clawed hand, debating whether he should go or not. 

In the end he left the room with heavy displeasure. Somehow not being near you made him angry. You were hurt and needed every protection he could offer. 

His mind screamed at him to go back to you, but he didn’t. This feeling confused the king of hell but, His mind and body were almost like two separate people.

 He pulled up his sleeve looking down at the red apple mark with a golden blue snake on it, like his halo. It was his Soulmate mark, he loves or loved Lilith dearly, but she wasn’t his mate. 

They both thought it may didn’t showed because Lilith is after all a human. Even when he had a soulmate, after landing in hell, he knew he’d never see his soulmate ever. 

He pulled his white sleeve again over the mark, not wanting to think about the what ifs. Maybe helping his daughter would keep his mind from you. “Let’s help Charlie.” 

After a while Lucifer still caught himself worried about you. 

You were laying on his bed for weeks, he healed you every morning and every evening hoping that you’d finally wake up. 

The arch angel Lucifer, and now king of hell, was worried about a seraph, what sarcasm. 

Getting ready for bed, Lucifer started to dress himself in his night gown and went to the couch. Since you’re sleeping on his bed, Lucifer decided to sleep on the couch. He didn’t want to disturb your healing progress

…

Hugging yourself into this blanket was heaven, and the smell of sweet apple and an alluring scent of musk. You never want to leave this place, for the first time since months you felt in peace. 

Fluttering your eyes open, you stretched you arms and legs, but one thing was missing. Your wings. And then reality came crushing down on you. You fell, from heaven. Your mother let you fall down the drain. She lied and didn’t even try to explain it to you. 

It was hard to breath as if you’d re-live the horror of falling from heaven down to hell.

You shacked uncontrollable making you Fall out of the bed. Out of habit you tried to fly those few centimeters. 

With a shallow thumb you fell on the floor. 

You winced from the Impact, and you tried to push yourself up with the next high object with shivering hands. 

This was a different gravity situation. 

Without your wings you slumped forwards, nothing to weigh your back. 

You pushed yourself upwards with the help of the shelf above you. The shelf lets out a creak from your weight and you fall back down with the shelf. 

The whole content on the shelf fell and crashed into pieces and you fell right into them. 

The ceramic pieces digged into your freshly healed wounds, you know that when you move, you’ll re-open the back wound. 

Out of panic your body began to move on autopilot.

With low groans and muffled screams, you leaned on the bed, golden blood smearing around the broken shelf and the white mattress. 

You started to sob at the pain. 

It was dark and all you wanted was to bathe yourself in the scent of that blanket. 

You searched for it. 

In the darkness you couldn’t quite figure it out where the blanket was but after a while you found it.

Holding the piece of cloth on your nose just to smell the comforting scent. You yelped when the light flicker on. A figure standing in the light. The figure was about 5’10 tall. 

You hid behind the blanket not wanting to look at the sudden appearance at the front door. 

…

Lucifer shot up at the sound of breaking ceramic. His mind told him to run towards the sound that came out of your room making him high alert. 

An Intruder? 

But who’d dare to come into the king of hells chamber?

Then he remembered that you were in his room, and without second thought he rushed towards your bedroom turning on the lights.

“You’re awake!”

[dood-itsradical]

Prediction.

Pairing: Jichang Kwak x F!Reader, ft. Jihan & Jibeom.

Summary: After hearing the whereabouts of the fallen, you reached out to Jichang in Chungcheong only to find the journey is harder than expected.

Genre/Trope: fluff, slow fucking burn.

Details: 2k words, reader smokes.

A/n: I hv to revisit the chaps I might get some stuff wrong here but oh well 😭 Also this turned out longer than planned. I don't do requests btw.

Masterlist

You were lucky. Very lucky perhaps.

Now you weren't one of the kings but you're still somewhat a big of a deal. And James Lee not whooping your ass yet is considered a good thing, for now.

Are you scared? Hardly. But are you cautious? Paranoid? That's another thing. Being selfless has its perks. You lived your life caring about yourself. Like the 'fuck it, we ball' kinda selfish. People grew, that's normal. You're used to everyone coming and going. But boy you'd be lying if you say you didn't feel any regret after not listening to your mother. After letting Jichang out of your grasp.

Although you keep telling yourself the man is out of your league. Or that he already has tons of admirers waiting in line. It's what you kept telling her but no, ‘true love comes within’ and yada yada all that crap. News flash, woman. Every mom says that and not every mother is right. ‘Oh, you just gotta trust the process. Chase him. Eventually it's worth it.’ You mocked her words in your head, rolling your eyes as a cherry on top. And every time you tried to make your points with her, she just gotta keep yapping and yapping and yapping.

You swear that you aren't a bad child. Typically you proved that right. But when it comes to cupid, what are the odds? Like everyone else you knew, love is foreign. A tool of weakness. Both good and bad in a way. Putting your priorities on maintaining control towards it is a chore, a complete dilemma. It's picking sides, a gamble and it's unfair. To know what to protect, what to sacrifice. However the answer is always the latter.

“We're here, ma'am.” The cab pulled over as you thanked him and paid him accordingly before stepping out.

Now you didn't completely live under the rock to be so cringeful of the countryside. It's peaceful despite the aesthetic. Part of you wishes you could live here and disconnect yourself from the burdens. Now that's selfish. But shaking the intrusive thoughts off of you, you recalled the purpose of your journey here. It shouldn't be so hard, right? It's a small village. Just homie friendly villa-

“Moo!” You yelped, taking a step back from the cow passing. “Careful. He's a bit moody today.” Chuckled an elderly man wearing a green vest.

You nodded sheepishly, “Sorry about that.” Your eyes roamed at the grey hair man.

“Visiting or a tourist?” You blinked, “Pardon?” Not that you didn't catch that, your mind just went elsewhere before being able to answer, “Oh, visiting. Is there any chance where I can find Jichang Kwak?”

The man paused and hummed, “Are you his friend?”

Sighing in relief, your hope increased. “Yes, an old friend to be precise! I need to see him. It's urgent.”

He squinted his eyes, uttering before turning his back on you and continued to walk with the cow. “Nope. Don't know him.”

You stammered and almost tripped on your foot. “Huh?? Wait, wait!” Your hand hangs in the air in disbelief as he leaves casually. For an old man he surely walked fast. Or your heads playing tricks on you again. “Great.” You sighed, taking in your surroundings. Thinking the world has already given you the next side quest. You don't feel so, you know so.

So picking up your feet, you did whatever you could to find Jichang. Again, how hard can it be? You asked yourself for the fifth time after seeing all green.

The thought nearly made you flabbergasted. You wouldn't think he would actually, literally hide himself after the recent fiasco with the King of Seoul. Jichang wasn't that type. Unless the matter was critical. Now you feel guilty. You wish you could've done something. But knowing him, he wouldn't let you or better yet lie to your face. Typical. You knew him enough to predict this.

Luckily you've planned ahead. You knew this quest is going to take you longer than it is and it's currently afternoon in the brought daylight. God, you loooove the sun. Being fried under it like the chickens are. Cool, now you're craving. Besides chicken, hope is not yet lost when you find yourself facing a police station. So you jogged towards it with the expectation of receiving leads.

And once you confirmed that God is still on your side, you praised Him when the officers gave you the information that Jichang's body still lingers in Chungcheong. Now, that you put it that way, it sounded wrong. But whatever, you are a bit peeved right now.

You tell the officers about your objective and they nodded with acknowledgement. “Yeah, he's on patrol. It shouldn't be hard to look for him. This village is small.”

Wouldn't be too hard, my ass. You've been looking for two hours now and your legs are killing you. But you kept your annoyance to yourself and thanked them on your way out. Atlas, your forced your patience to take over your body. Or whatever the fuck Gongseob the monk has taught you.

“You guys must've known something, right? Yes, I just bought these shoes. No, not food, sorry.” You jerked your toes to shoo away the chickens. It's been another hour, and still no sign of the White Viper. You're going insane.

Seriously, just how hard can this be? It's getting ridiculous.

“Hey, lady. Are you lost?”

You turned to see a young man. Probably around his late teens. Although based on his build could be mistaken as older. You stood up, brushing your dusty hands. “Uh, why you ask?”

The boy seems unamused, “I kept seeing you going back and forth. Thought you might need help.” Ah, another opportunity. Why not? So you agreed, “Actually, yeah.” Walking closer to him now you managed to calculate his height and facial features. Not to mention the unmistakable snake eyes. This is when you realised.

“Jihan?” You blinked.

He blinked back, just as confused. “Sorry, have we met?” You shifted slightly, “Well, never personally.” You begin to feel your luck rising. Again.

“Jihan, I'm (Name). Maybe you never heard of me but-”

“Oh.” He blurted out flatly. ‘Oh?’ “You're looking for Jichang then. Yeah, don't know where he is. Don't care also.”

What the fuck is wrong with this village?

You waved your hands, “Wait, wait, wait. No. Listen, I really need to see him. I've been at it for hours and the least you could give me is a freakin’ break. Please.” You begged. The hell with it. If you managed to even stumble upon the little brother, you definitely can with him. The youngster just rolled his eyes before gestured you to follow him. Fucking finally you can put a rest to your mission. Just a little more.

“(Name) noona! Long time no see.” Jibeom beamed as Jihan and you walked to a reserved place. The younger brother gave the middle a weird face. “You met her before?”

Raising your brow at this particular discovery you decided to humour them, “Does he really? I doubt he's all talk. We’re hardly that close.” Oh, so now you're down-playing your situation. You weren't sure if it's embarrassment. Are you and Jichang close? To him at least you think not. Maybe you're just another person to him like Taesoo and others.

“No.” The respond made Jihan scoffed. Jibeom added, “Hyung just talks about her a lot, remember?” Another scoff came from Jihan. The younger never felt more ridiculed but he spared no comment. Your eyes shifted between the two as you observed their small banter.

The slight somber on your look was soon noticed by the brothers as they changed looks. Jihan then spoke, sighing to himself. “Yeesh. You people always act like breakups are the end of the world.”

Jibeom nodded chimbly, “I'm sure whatever the reason was, hyung won't blame you for it, noona.”

Kids. Freaking kids.

You stood there, rubbing your temple like the elder you are. Despite their false assumptions regarding your relationship with their older brother, you're too tired to deny them. You just want to see Jichang to clear things up with him. That's it. Just to see him, ask about his wellbeing and leave. Simple and done. Yet again you couldn't even get to see the tip of his nose anywhere. And it's already getting dark.

Another hour passed as you made yourself at home while the brothers, Jibeom mostly, gladly served you a cup of hot water. You strike a conversation with him since he seems to be more outgoing than Jihan. No one's at fault here. You can already assume he and Jichang have complicated relationships. Jibeom later then confirmed this as you two chatted. The topic afterwards followed by Jichang's banishment after the mention of James Lee. You scoffed whenever that name came out. You are never fond of him. He was just one cocky kid last time you saw him, who then made a name out of himself. The story tells it all. Eventually you excused yourself to take some fresh air.

No stars were in sight when you looked up at the dark blue-ish sky. But hell, you'll wait as long as you get to see that smartass. Soon after, the feeling of paranoia succumbed once more. Your hands fidgeted before digging for the cigar in your pocket. You swore you have quit. At least, you're in that process. But you promised to yourself that just this once, you needed it.

Flickering the lighter couple times, you clicked your tongue with frustration at the lack of fire. “Ssibal…”

“Here.” A second lighter hovered to your cigar, lightening it up. You took a drag before exhaling with pure relief. You turned to thank the person and lo and behold, the man himself stood upon you.

You practically jumped and coughed violently, nearly stumbled on your own feet at his sudden present. Jichang grimaced, his hand extended to rub your back hoping to ease the fit. Your chest and throat continuously punched you in the gut. His self summoned did a number on you and completely took you by surprise. Once your cough has subsided, you gather your thoughts and fix your composure.

“Is that what I have to do all along to get you here? Smoke?” You exhaled in disbelief. His snake eyes meet yours with a mixture of confusion and amusement. The corner of his lips curled. “Jihan told me you came.”

“And it took you what? Five minutes drive?” You scoffed, gaze darting behind him to his police motorbike then back at him. “I’ve been looking for you for a whole goddamn day.” He sighed, shoulders slumped apologetically.

You both settle down somewhere later on to have a proper conversation. You told him what you heard and in exchange he told you his side of the story. Every part was put in place since he had nothing to keep from you for you have every right to know his whereabouts. He subtly thanked you for your concern and effort to confront him face to face.

As an addition you told him about the first person you stumbled for direction once you stepped in the countryside. After describing the old man to Jichang, he broke down it to you that the man was Bakgu Noh who's in fact a friend that helped him got the job as a cop in the first place and was only lie to you with the purpose of watching his back. You were baffled but let it slide.

You traced the scar on his left hand that was caused by the King of Seoul. “That easy?” The look of bewilderment written on your face. “I’m just glad you're fine.” Unknowingly to you, his snake eyes never leave your face. Examining your expression with your skin on his. It wasn't that deep, but the warmth speaks volume. Being this close to you hits nostalgia.

You felt the stare though, but you didn't react. Instead, turning your head to the opposite side sheepishly. Your hand still under his calloused ones.

Breaking the palpable tension, you changed the topic, “Should I be worried?” You meant that as a joke. You aren't afraid to face one guy. But the waiting sucked.

“I can train you. If you want.” He suggested out of the blue, rubbing the back of your hand with his thumb as an assurance. One simple action alone was enough to make your heart throb. You shake your head. “I'm not here for that.”

“But you're here now. Might as well get to it. No pressure.” He replied, turning his head fully to you, you could practically feel his breath on you too. Too tough to admit you're whipped, you refuse to surrender to your mother's ultimate prediction. Taking a quick glance at him you turned back to the front, swallowing your lumps.

“It's fine, really.” You brushed him off, “I only came here as a one day trip.” He nodded back and didn't argue further. After relishing the comfortable silence, you two rose from your seats and headed back.

From afar the brothers make up both of your silhouettes.

“That ought to be some sort of sign.” Jihan narrowed his eyes. Jibeom joined, “Are they together again?”

The younger brother grimaced, “Ya think?” Pointing the obvious intimate action between the two of you linking arms like an old couple. The middle brother smiled approvingly.

[livi-in-digital-circus]

The Abuse || a short Bunnydoll angsty story

I wrote this only because I'm having worse days now (also I started writing the new fic but I'm already stuck at the beginning of TwT)

TW: abuse

Through the glass wall of the infirmary, Ragatha stared at the guests of the Digital Circus. Once in a while, people from the real world had the chance to meet their favorite characters in person, not knowing that they were actually normal humans just like them. It was unfair that they could go home the moment their visit ended. But that was what the circus was all about. Every single member of the crew was an animal trapped in a cage, released only to perform silly and often dangerous acts.

And since Caine was especially busy when they had visitors, Ragatha couldn’t ask him to help her get back to her pristine self. Instead, she had to spend the entire day under the care of a nurse-like NPC who stuffed her with more pills, like painkillers, hour after hour. Even though the rag doll didn’t seem to have any bones in her plush body, she felt like her bruised arm was broken. Not to mention that she had vomited at least three times that day and felt dizzy all the time.

It was a pure torture.

The girls in the main area were loud enough for Ragatha to hear what they were saying, so she leaned carefully against the wall. Due to her current state, she wasn’t allowed to greet the visitors. After all, Caine had to keep the reputation of the circus at its best, and if anyone found out there was a serious case of abuse going on behind the scenes, he would lose everything he had worked on for years.

“Did you see the way he looked at me? I’m definitely his type!” One of the girls exclaimed. Her digital avatar resembled a cute Lolita-style doll, making her look like an innocent angel. Another one, Ragatha thought.

“It’s a good thing we didn’t mention our shrines full of his limited merch.” The other said, her cat ears and tail moving on their own from time to time. “But then again, who wouldn’t want lots of Jax for themselves?”

Ragatha trembled. These two clearly had no idea who they were talking about. Judging by their behavior and appearance, they were mostly underage and delusional. The rag doll looked at her arm again. She should be jealous, it was her boyfriend who was the center of attention that day.

Instead, she felt anger, especially when she heard the girls mention all the things they wanted Jax to do to them. Ragatha smiled bitterly to herself, the familiar metallic taste tickling her tongue. She had lived too long in the circus to understand today’s teenagers. Some of them were born into rich families and had everything they could wish for. It could be anything, like an expensive dress worn by many famous models, or a bottle of sweet-smelling limited edition perfume. And yet they chose to be used by none other than Jax.

Little do they know that he is a real abuser.

And abuse is not something you should wish for.

Year after year, the rabbit became more mentally unstable. Several times he promised Ragatha that he would change, that he would try to be a better boyfriend. She was very proud of Jax when he managed to go a whole week without hurting her. But when she was about to visit him in his room after one of their adventures to watch a movie, she found him torturing the little version of herself that she had made for him to hug when he felt alone.

Caine had no idea how to fix Jax. His first assumption was that he would soon abstract, but Ragatha quickly shook her head. That had been going on for a long time, with no clear signs of improvement. However, she didn’t feel any hatred for Jax, even though she was sore and bruised the last few days. She knew it was because of his poor mental health and that inside he was still the bunny she had fallen in love with.

The girls disappeared from her view after a while. Ragatha groaned as she made her way back to bed. All she wanted was to fall asleep and wake up the next day. The moment her head touched the pillow, she heard someone enter the infirmary.

“Feeling better?” Jax sat on the edge of the bed, his gloved hand gently stroking the bandage on the rag doll’s cheek. Ragatha shivered, yet her lover’s soothing touch was all she needed at the moment.

“Still a little sore, but it’s okay. Did you enjoy the meeting with the viewers?”

“Not really, this group was annoying as hell.”

“I don’t like what those girls said about you.” Though Ragatha didn’t want to tell him exactly what. She knew Jax felt bad after each time he lost control and hurt her, and she didn’t want to make him uncomfortable now that he was temporarily sane again.

Jax let out a soft laugh and pressed his lips to Ragatha’s forehead. God, she loved his kisses so much.

“I actually brought you something to drink. You must be thirsty after I… you know.”

Ragatha gladly accepted the water bottle and began to pour the liquid into her mouth. But just as she was about to stop, she felt Jax’s hands suddenly tighten around her neck, causing her to cough and choke. The taste of water and blood mixed sickeningly in her mouth.

Jax knew it was only a matter of time before she started vomiting all over the circus from the ‘water’ he gave her.

Everyone told Ragatha to break up with Jax, but she was too kindhearted to do that. He was mentally ill and she wanted to help him. She hoped that one day everything would be okay, that her boyfriend would overcome this.

And before that happens, she would be tortured in many more different ways for the next few weeks, months, or maybe even years.

Still, Ragatha would manage to survive all this. It was impossible to die in Digital Circus after all.

Thanks for reading!

(I'm sorry, please don't be mad at me for writing this ;-;)

[lily-blue]

Three magical words

☆ characters: best friend!taehyun & you ☆ genre: soulmate au, friends to lovers ☆ summary: you live in a world where you have to exchange i love yous with your soulmate for fate to tell you they are the one for you; if they are not, your relationship is destined to fall apart sooner or later ☆ words: 6,2k ☆ also: i’d like to dedicate this story to my own soulmate, @dat-town​ ♥ it’s crazy how it’s been nine years already that we started to talk… sometimes it feels like it happened yesterday (or well, a couple of years at most, to be more realistic), but other times it feels like we’ve known each other our whole life. damn, we’re really getting old, aren’t we, kathy? anyway, i love you to the moon~ ☆ taglist: @soobin-chois​

When you had been young, around seven or eight years old, you had often thrown careless I love yous like they had been confetti. However, the older you had grown, the more you had understood why adults were so afraid of these words. They had already learned an important lesson you had yet to learn in your teenage years: how it felt when one’s heart got broken.

You lived in a world where no matter how much effort you put into a romantic relationship or how determined you were that you genuinely loved that person, if you weren’t together with your soulmate, things never worked out. Of course, there were people who refused to believe that they didn’t have a say in who their heart belonged to. They were the majority of society, actually, people who were willing to try just to fail over and over again, unwilling to realize that their reasons for breaking up were more or less the same: different schedules, different interests, and different goals in life. Their bond simply wasn’t strong enough to last.

Yet, to find such an unbreakable connection, you needed to give a chance to a lot of people. It was unfair, but that was how the soulmate system worked: you were either one of the lucky ones who were a hundred percent sure in their feelings, or you were bound to break under the weight of your uncertainties. Because only when you exchanged I love yous with the one who was destined to be with you did fate tell you whether they were the one you could love unafraid. It was a wicked game, but a game no one could escape from and everyone bounded to participate in one point in their life.

You couldn’t have said that you were different from the majority. There had been a time when you had also thought you had total control over your love life, hence you had experienced the same stages everyone did while growing up. As soon as you had learned about the soulmate system, you had sworn that you would be an exception and that your heart would be okay even after giving out chances to people whose love wasn’t made for making you happy. Then, you had gotten into your first relationship; there had come the first banters over his clinginess and your need for personal space, and the first fights that you couldn’t have solved with simple sorrys… The realization that you two hadn’t been a good match had come sooner than your acceptance. As many teenagers, you had also hated to admit that you had been wrong, so you had stayed with your first love for a year just to make the heartbreak more painful when you hadn’t seen the butterflies in your tummy coming alive once the confessions had fallen from your lips on the night of your anniversary. The pain had changed you. You had become wary and soon after, you had closed yourself off from potential soulmates entirely.

According to your mother, your eagerness to open up to others in hope of finding your other half would come back with time, but you really weren’t so sure. You would have liked to think that your life was a whole on its own, too, and you didn’t need anyone to fill in the cracks since those as well were a part of the real you.

There were more important things in life than romantic love anyway. Like your best friend’s birthday month and your (hopefully) last winter break before you became a full-fledged adult with a business degree. Your urge to diss the society with Taeyhun on his worn couch while munching on instant ramen and to complain about how difficult it was to get a job even when one was willing and had super low standards was indescribably high as usual. February never failed to bring the worst out of you. Cold months never did.

A week before Valentine’s Day, you were on a friendly date with Taehyun at that new coffee shop that had opened a corner from your family’s home, just killing some time and enjoying life to the fullest, when your mutual friends finally arrived and you could stop dwelling on whether you should have asked for a cinnamon latte or an apple pie flavored one. Although you knew it most probably wasn’t the last time you came here, so making a decision wasn’t that crucial - you could have always tried the other one next time, after all -, you still had a hard time choosing. For some reason, you always did, even at places you were a regular at, hence ended up ordering the same thing week after week.

‘Are you sure it’s a good i…’ Hueningkai’s voice reached your ears when you put the plastic menu card back in its holder and waved at the newcomers with a soft smile that they did not return.

You furrowed your brows in confusion when Beomgyu cut his friend off mid-sentence while he threw his coat on the back of the chair in front of you.

‘I’ve already told you I am. It’s romantic. Choerry likes these kinds of stuff and I think it’s lovely,’ he claimed, confusing you even more, because it sounded like they were arguing about Beomgyu’s girlfriend and you had thought everyone liked the shy albeit cheerful girl he was seeing since early December.

‘What are you bickering about this time?’ You inquired, knowing that if it wasn’t you, no one would ask them for details. Your best friend might have had a soft spot for his close friends, but he didn’t like unnecessary drama.

‘Nothing.’

‘He wants to confess on Valentine’s Day,’ Hueningkai said at the same time Beomgyu tried to put an end to the conversation, earning a displeased huff from the younger boy.

The silence that fell on your small group was heavy with unsaid arguments, unasked advice, and palpable anxiety; it planted itself in your chest and made it hard to think of anything else but those scars each one of you had worn on your heart. You were munching on your lower lip while you were trying to come up with something, anything you could have said.

‘Jeez… Don’t be so supportive,’ Beomgyu grumped, visibly irked by everyone’s reaction, not that you blamed him for it. It must have hurt him that his closest friends were so unwilling to support his relationship, but in reality, he had to know that they were only worried about him. They were just boys. They showed concern differently.

‘It’s because you’re stupid. You chose the worst day to break your hearts,’ Taehyun claimed, his unbothered tone borderline scolding. You sucked in your lower lip in panic, exchanging an uneasy glance with Kai before you shifted your gaze back to Beomgyu. You wished you could have lightened up the mood somehow, but the soulmate topic was a sensitive topic all around the world, especially for people your age. Generally, young adults had already lived enough to encounter heartbreaks, but were still too young to accept them as an inevitable part of life.

‘Yerim is my soulmate. I can feel it,’ Beomgyu retorted before he smashed his palms against the table and pushed himself into a standing position. His gaze wandered from one person to another until it returned to Taehyun. ‘You’ll be sorry for not supporting me.’

As soon as Beomgyu turned his back on your table and took the first steps towards the blonde boy behind the counter, you nudged your best friend with a disapproving sigh.

‘Don’t you think it was unnecessarily rude?’ You asked quietly yet firmly, not taking your worried eyes off the boy who was currently vibing with the barista like the two of them had known each other for decades. Beomgyu’s big theatrical hand gestures would have made you smile on any other day, under any other circumstances, but with his last words echoing in your head, they only amplified your protective, big sister side.

‘Last time he confessed, he was wailing for weeks. It’s not rude enough,’ Taehyun said before he stood up as well and pulled Hueining Kai towards their friend to order.

You stayed seated to make sure your table didn’t get accidentally occupied by another group of friends - a habit you had gained during those summer breaks that you had spent in Europe with your aunt and her family -, and watched the boys with your chin resting atop of the back of your hand.

You knew Beomgyu loved company even when he was sad. He was the type of person who both wanted to hide his sorrow and put it on display at the same time, someone who wanted to seem strong, but craved pampering, too. Because of these, he usually ended up venting in a sarcastic way, turning his situation into a joke, then crying two minutes into the movie you were watching together because the characters were so relatable (or because his ex loved the same popcorn flavor you had offered him carelessly without knowing this crucial detail).

Reminiscing about the last time Beomgyu had thought he found his soulmate, you hoped he was a bit more ready for the consequences this time.

‘Here.’

You snapped your head in Taehyun’s direction when he slid your drink in front of you and shot a grateful smile at him when he did the same with his own. Your chest felt warm at the realization that he had ordered both lattes you wanted to try and even let you choose which one you wanted to keep for yourself.

‘Thanks,’ you beamed at him, loving the newness of the apple pie latte on the tip of your tongue, but choosing the familiar taste nevertheless.

You offered a sip from the cinnamon latte to Taehyun and smiled at the way he hummed around the paper straw, stealing another gulp for good measure before he gave it back to you.  He might have looked grumpy and annoyed seven or eight times out of ten - depending on various external factors in his life such as the number of assignments he had to finish a week or how big of a mess his roommates might have left at their place -, but you loved how under the heartless facade, he was such a big softie for his friends. You wouldn’t have changed a single thing about him even if you could.

You spent hours at the coffee shop, chatting about the anime you were watching these days, childhood memories with each other and your own families, how you could still remember Februaries when you could have played in the snow, and recipes you wanted to master for the new semester at the dorm. It was fun and the background music was tranquil enough for you to not want to leave the place anytime soon. However, your sore asscheeks definitely weren’t of the same opinion and nor were the boys’.

Since both Taehyun and you had moved back to the neighborhood for the winter break to spend some with your families, but the boy’s parents were rarely at home due to their busy schedules, he offered their place for a impromptu movie night (you might have dropped hints here and there that you had still hadn’t seen that sci-fi movie he couldn’t have stopped talking about when it had come out) and almost regretted immediately when Soobin, Yeonjun, and Sakura also showed up at his door.

You were sandwiched between Sakura and Taehyun on the couch with a blanket on your legs and a bowl of Cheetos in your hands when the movie started and stayed there through the night even when Hueningkai put on a comedy next, or when Yeonjun insisted on watching the Chinese Step Up movie for old time’s sake. Seeing the cast, suddenly, you couldn’t decide whether he was teasing you because of your Channing Tatum obsession in middle school or your UNIQ phase that, more or less, was still going strong.

Either way, the movie was very much up to your liking since it reminded you of that summer when you had successfully convinced your parents to let you attend the dance camp where you had first met Yeonjun. Your fleeting crush on the older boy might have subsided the moment he had sat beside you during the bonfire and your hair had caught on fire because of the stick he should have roasted the marshmallows on, but your bond had been unbreakable ever since. You also liked seeing Kim Sungjoo’s smile.

The plot was already over its climax when your best friend’s head fell on your shoulder and you couldn’t have helped an endeared smile when your gaze stuck on his slightly parted lips. Spending so much time with a bunch of extroverts must have been tiring for him, too, but you appreciated him for making this night possible.

Admittedly, you didn’t pay too much attention to the movie after Taehyun had fallen asleep. His calm features were simply more interesting. (At least, to you.) Not to mention that one look at his hand so close to yours was enough for your mind to be immediately occupied with thoughts you rarely let loose. You wondered how it would have felt to hold it again like when you had been younger and your homeroom teacher in elementary school had forced you to hold hands with your classmates while walking from your classroom to the school yard. A part of you doubted his skin would have still been soft against yours, but if you wanted to be honest, those memories might have been altered by your imagination. You knew for a fact that little Taehyun hadn’t been a big fan of you back in those days. He had always called you stupid.

Still, at moments like this, when you could burn the tiniest details of his face in your memories without his snarky remarks, you found yourself pondering whether Taehyun giving you so much comfort with his presence could have meant more than friendship. Could it have been what Beomgyu was feeling whenever he was dead set on how he had already found his soulmate? Maybe. But even if it was, it wasn’t that he hadn’t been wrong about it before.

And it wasn’t that you could have tested it out on your own. Even if you had said those words to your best friend, you were pretty certain he wouldn’t have said it back to you to allow the system to prove your assumption right or wrong. You could be sure about this because when you two had met, you had been still a toothless six-year-old and he had screamed at you whenever you carelessly told someone you loved them a lot.

‘Was it that bad?’ Taehyun’s raspy voice pulled you back to the present, painting your cheeks a light shade of pink.

‘Hm?’

‘The movie,’ he pointed out with his head still on your shoulder. His voice was quiet like a whisper, but because of his closeness and how his breath tickled your neck, it felt like he was screaming at you. It dressed your lower arm in goosebumps. ‘You’re deep in thoughts.’

You let out a soft chuckle when he lifted his hand in front of your face and poked the furrow between your brows.

‘I’m just tired,’ you whispered, not pulling away or making the smallest attempt to shake his hand off. Taehyun and you had grown closer during high school and your bond had become a lot stronger during your university years, but it was still rather unusual that he touched you. You wanted to prolong the momentarily intimacy.

‘Then stay. I’m sure your mom wouldn’t mind it,’ he proposed, tainting you with the idea. Your parents lived ten minutes from Taehyun’s family, but it was already past midnight and the weather was unreasonably cold. Staying over sounded like a dream coming true.

‘Okay. But I’m not making us breakfast,’ you agreed, the ultimate tasting weak on the tip of your tongue. You might have loved the way his pillowy blankets embraced your body in the morning, they might have made it super hard to get out of bed too soon, but you would have done so without any complaints if he had asked you to. 

You knew he was aware of it, too.

‘Fine. I’ll make us some omelet if you send them away,’ your best friend negotiated and only then you realized that you two weren’t alone in the living room.

A bit disoriented, you turned your head towards your friends. Soobin and Kai were helping Sakura with the empty bowls and bottles, Beomgyu was flexing his dance moves to everyone and anyone who was willing to pay attention to him, while Yeonjun was texting and dealing with your hyperactive friend simultaneously. The laptop’s screen was already black, but you had a feeling that no one had bothered to turn it off.

You looked down at your best friend.

‘Deal,’ you agreed with an over-exaggerating sigh before you pulled away from the boy and stood up from the couch.

Standing, you clapped your hands to gain everyone’s attention, then told them the horrible news: it was time for them to leave. Despite his pouty lips, there wasn’t an ounce of mercy in you when Beomgyu tried to convince you why you should have persuaded Taehyun to let him stay, too, but did make him and the others a mug of hot chocolate to give them some extra warmth for the road. You weren’t heartless after all.

(Although, Taehyun couldn’t stop smiling at you when half an hour later, you shut the door in Beomgyu’s face.)

You spent Valentine’s Day with Yeonjun, Sakura, and Taehyun. The four of you pretended to be on a double date to get discounts in that popular coffee shop near campus that none of you could have afforded on a daily basis and one of the trending restaurants downtown where one needed to wear elegant clothes to be acknowledged. The experience might have failed to beat last year when Hueningkai had convinced you to go to the amusement park with him, but it successfully took your mind off Beomgyu’s date and the possibility of him getting his heart broken on the very day most people celebrated love.

‘Should we grab a drink? I feel like we should,’ Sakura thought out loud, pulling you towards the nearest bus stop by your arm, giggling as though she had said or heard something funny. The red wine you had drunk with your steak must have gotten in her head.

You turned your head and looked behind your back, rosy lips pouty and eyes pleading, but Yeonjun was too busy with his phone as he usually was these days and Taehyun did nothing but pouted back at you. You groaned in defeat when Sakura tugged on your coat and repeated her question.

‘I don’t think I can drink more. Why don’t we go back to the boys’ place and watch a movie? We could cuddle,’ you proposed, knowing well how much she loved nuzzling close to people during your movie nights regardless of their gender. It was never about intimacy for her, but the comfort that another person’s warmth could give her. She rarely spoke about it, but she missed Kagoshima and her family there a lot.

Sakura furrowed her brows, tapped her lower lip with her index finger once, twice, and three times, then shot a beaming smile at you.

‘Sounds good to me,’ she agreed before she noticed the night bus you planned to take and ran towards it with an iron grip on your hand and without giving a damn whether the boys were following you two.

Needless to say, she fell asleep on the couch in the guys’ shared apartment before you could have chosen a movie; thus, Yeonjun had to carry her to Soobin’s bedroom because the boy was luckily out of town and none of you had the heart to let her sleep in the living room.

The following morning, you woke up for the familiar smell of freshly brewed coffee and your best friend’s delicious omelet. You also heard a loud thud from the other side of Taehyun’s bedroom’s door, but you were too lazy to get out of bed and investigate when it was most probably one of your friends’ doing.

You turned away from the windows, pulled the blanket over your shoulders, so that it would have hid them perfectly, then closed your eyes to steal yourself five more min…

‘I’ve an important announcement. Get your ass to the living room!’ Beomgyu yelled from the threshold, his words getting louder and louder until you threw a pillow at you. ‘Hah! I knew you were awake. Taehyun’s just too soft on you.’

‘Get out!’ You groaned, lowkey wondering whether everyone else was already up or you were his first victim that morning. Yeonjun would have probably killed him if he had barged in on him after last night and you would have definitely woken up if he had dared to do the same to a hangover Sakura, right?

‘You have two minutes. I have important news!’ He insisted, coaxing another pained groan out of you before he shut the door. You wanted more than two more minutes, but you were aware that Beomgyu’s threats were rarely empty. You had already seen him exchanging sugar for salt in those identical containers the boys had, hiding Soobin’s underwear in their freezer, and throwing one of Kai’s plushies out the window when they disregarded him.

You walked out of the room with a fluffy blanket around your figure and headed straight to the couch with half-opened eyes.

‘Finally, our dear Pillow Princess decided to bless us with her presence,’ Beomgyu said, the nickname falling from his lips in English, making you wonder whether he would have ever learned what this phrase really meant or when would someone from your friend group make the effort to enlighten him.

‘Get to the point, Beomgyu!’ You grumped, then sat down on the couch and leaned your head on the closest shoulder you found. It was Yeonjun’s, whose other one was already supporting Sakura’s head.

The living room’s temperature was pleasantly warm and the blanket around you almost lulled you back to sleep when Taehyun joined the half-asleep group and Beomgyu took it as a sign to raise his voice again.

Your shoulders tensed when the boy clapped his hands, but then you felt a soft touch on your arm and turning towards the culprit, you came face to face with your Hello Kitty mug. You raised a brow, but accepted the coffee your best friend had made you with a grateful smile.

‘I found my soulmate. It’s Yerim, obviously, in case someone still has doubts,’ the boys said with a smug smile on his face as he dragged his gaze from one person to another. ‘I accept apologies in cash and donuts,’ he added, clearly waiting for something.

However, words didn’t come so easily. Not because you weren’t happy for him and Choerry. You were delighted that they had found each other. It was rather the initial shock that made your tongue heavy.

Still, you willed yourself and stood up from the couch, put your mug in the base of the worn furniture, and let the blanket pool at your knees as you rushed up to the boy and pulled him in your embrace. You might have been too sleepy a minute ago to remember his risky plan for Valentine’s Day, but now that you did, all your worries and gratitude came crashing down on you at once.

‘I’m so happy for you,’ you murmured against his ear, caressing his nape with your slightly trembling hand. ‘How did she take it? Did you stay with her for the night? If so, why are you here? Did you really leave her alone to brag to us about your soulmate in person?’ You threw every question at him that your mind was able to form, scolding him and congratulating him at the same time. Though, you weren’t angry with him anymore for waking you up.

You couldn’t have told when you started to cry or whether it had been you who had shed the first happy tears or Beomgyu. It hardly even mattered when the rest of your friends joined in the hug and you were suddenly sandwiched between Yeonjun and Beomgyu or Taehyun and Beomgyu, fighting for each breath.

You spent the morning in the living room, munching on your omelet, sipping on good coffee, and listening to the boys’ stories from the day before as though you hadn’t been present when Yeonjun had kissed Sakura’s cheek for a free macaron or when Taehyun had pretended to be a foreigner so that the overexcited waiter at the same coffee shop would have stopped giving him relationship advice.

It was around 1PM when Soobin got back from Ansan and around an hour or two later when Sakura and Yeonjun left for dance practice. Still in your pajamas, you were contemplating if you should have gone home, too, but then your best friend proposed an Alice in Borderland marathon that you couldn’t refuse.

‘Do you think we will also meet our soulmates one day?’ You found yourself asking while you were waiting for the popcorn in the kitchen, your thoughts wandering back to Beomgyu and Yerim at the sight of the hot choco Taehyun was preparing for you.

You paid close attention to his body language, praying that your blunt question didn’t upset him. Though, even with all those years behind your back, you couldn’t have been sure what his nonchalant shrug really meant. Did he try to play it cool? Did he truly not care?

‘Probably,’ he said at last, shooting a proud smile in your direction when he slid your mug towards you on the kitchen counter. ‘But I’m perfectly fine with just you and the guys in my life. You nag me almost as much as any real girlfriend would,’ Taehyun teased, the corner of your lips twitching because of his claim. As if he hadn’t nagged you just as much!

The truth was, you were oddly fine with just him and your friends in your life, too, but you didn’t want to give Taehyun another reason to make fun of you. Instead, you jumped on the opportunity and got the popcorn out of the microwave and followed him in his room with two huge bowls of snacks in your hands as though everything had been back to normal and your brain hadn’t tried to sabotage your friendship with memories of when just the two of you with him had been more than enough.

You had always thought that many things would change in your dynamics with your friends once one of you found their soulmate, but Beomgyu showed no signs of wanting to spend less time with any of you. He brought Yerim for your programmes more frequently, but they still had their separate lives and friend groups. The lack of dramatic change brought you comfort and shook you up on another level.

‘I told you to wear your gloves, but you never listen,’ your best friend scolded you as soon as you entered your parents’ house and he caught a glimpse at your scarlet skin while you were getting rid of your coats and boots.

‘I would’ve brought them if someone hadn’t been in such a hurry,’ you retorted with a click of your tongue, not blaming him for your carelessness for real. You knew it was your fault, that he had been only joking when he had said he would have left without you if you hadn’t been outside in a minute, but you didn’t feel like agreeing with him, either.

Instead, you nudged his shoulder with an apologetic smile and rushed to the kitchen to make yourself some hot chocolate. You might have already drunk with a big mug at the outdoor ice rink where you had spent the last couple of hours with your friends and Kim Minju, Soobin’s new hoobae at the broadcasting station, but one could have never had too much hot chocolate in winter break. No one could have convinced you of the opposite.

You took two porcelain mugs out of the cabinet, then stood on your tiptoes to put your hands on the chocolate powder as well when Taehyun grabbed it for you and took your red hands in his own right after he placed the unopened box on the counter. You looked up at him with wide eyes, confusion and something akin to gratitude blending in your orbs.

‘Taehyun?’ You breathed when he lifted your cold hands to his mouth and blew hot air on the sensitive skin. You had to gulp down your growing nervousness when his thumbs started to draw nonfigurative patterns on the back of your hands.

‘Hm?’ He mused, not taking his eyes off those red patches that the unforgiving cold had left on your skin.

A rational part of you knew this was nowhere near the most intimate moment you two shared. You had already exchanged forehead kisses in his bed right before you had fallen asleep, you had held him close for hours when his grandparents’ old Golden Retriever had died, and he had also seen you half-naked when you had lost your bikini top in the sea because of a bigger wave. You had grown up together. Your heart shouldn’t have fluttered from this gesture.

But it did.

‘How do you feel about being around me?’ You asked in a whisper. You could tell the exact moment when your question hit home: it was written on his face, in the way he furrowed his eyebrows and slowly lifted his head. His confusion was scary, it ate away at your confidence, but you had no desire to dance back on your words. Not now when the question was finally out in the open. ‘Is it different from when you’re with others?’ You pushed, just a little more.

Taehyun didn’t let go of your hands, but he took them away from his mouth and let them fall between the both of you. His smile was subtle, but it gave you hope.

‘I mean, you smell a lot better than the guys…’

‘That’s not what I meant,’ you cut him off with an unamused scoff, feeling a bit disappointed and very much vulnerable because of how much you wished to hear an answer that resembled your own messy feelings for him. You would have been so freaking happy with a simple yes, too, without any further explanation, that his answer made you feel worse than any no could have done.

Yet, you didn’t pull your hands out of his.

‘I know that’s not what you meant,’ he said in a neutral voice, his nonchalance mocking you, but you had known him even before you had gotten to know what I love you really meant, so you let the silence settle and used it as a shield. You used every passing second to muster up your courage because you knew that if you had let this opportunity slip through your fingers, it might have taken you years to bring the soulmate topic up again.

You stood still in front of the kitchen counter like a moth frozen in amber and couldn’t make your stiff limbs move even when Taehyun let go of you and walked up to the fridge to get the oat milk out of it.

There had been a time when he had openly hated you for using the word love so carelessly, but you had grown up since then. You had matured. You had learned the difference between admiration, obsession, and love - or so you would have liked to believe.

‘I like being around you. More than I like being around the guys. You’re funny and witty and a real pain in the ass in the best way possible. You know the worst sides of me and you’re still here, motivating me to be better, to do better,’ you started while you were still facing his back because this way it was easier. It wasn’t about momentary excitement for you, it was about something much deeper and a lot more permanent. ‘You know the way to comfort me when I’m upset, you know my favorite snacks, my favorite shows, my favorite everything even though I always claim to have no favorites at all…’

The air stuck in your throat when Taehyun turned around. His facial expressions were hard, but the way his knuckles turned white around the carton made it difficult to distinguish his anger from frustration or fear. 

‘Don’t do it. Don’t say–’

‘I love you, Taehyun,’ you confessed nevertheless, telling yourself that it was the right thing to do and that you could have always apologized for your desperation later in case he walked out on you. It was a situation in which both of you were right and wrong, where both of you had your reasons. He had just as much right to be upset with your behavior as much you had to be upset with his refusal. 

You would work through the consequences together when you got there.

But to be able to get anywhere together, Taehyun had to say these words back to you and he was clearly wary of doing so. He avoided your eyes and stumbled a step further from you as though you had pulled the rug from under his feet.

Pushing aside your own worries, you took a step closer to him, then another. You didn’t stop until you were standing right in front of him and then… Then, you took his cheeks in your hands and instead of forcing him to look at you, you fondled his skin with your thumbs.

‘It’ll be fine. We will be fine,’ you whispered, afraid that your usual tone or volume could have scared him away. ‘Please.’

Your heart was pulsing in your entire body: you could feel its presence in your neck and the tip of your fingers, but you didn’t tear your gaze away from him. Instead, you gave him as much time as he needed and let him hide his face in the crook of your neck when his feelings came crashing down on him.

Taehyun’s body was trembling in your embrace like leaves in silly autumn weather; his arms clinged onto your torso like you were the only thing that kept him on the surface when he said:

‘I love you, too.’

Because of your position, Taehyun couldn’t see them, but you did: those small, shimmering butterflies Beomgyu had been talking about. They were lingering around you in an uneven circle, never flying too close, but never leaving your sides, either, until their shine slowly faded away. People said they were the phenomenon one could feel in their tummy when they were around their destined lovers, but you weren’t actually sure. What you were certain of, however, was that they were beautiful and Taehyun needed to see them, too.

Your movements were tentative. You pulled away from the boy as gently as you could while you were still stroking his blade bones to soothe his nerves.

‘Look!’ You said quietly as though you were talking to a child. You couldn’t have been sure how long these creatures would have stayed around you to celebrate your bond with Taehyun, but you didn’t want to rush him. Even if you were scared to death that he would miss them and stay forever blind for the fact that you were meant to be.

When he opened his eyes, you saw your own emotions reflecting in his orbs. He seemed a bit more taken aback than you, but you could tell he was relieved and that he accepted your fate as naturally as you did.

Beomgyu was right after all. Sometimes you just knew because you felt it in your guts: the connection that brought you into and kept you in each other’s life.

The butterflies stayed with you for a day, but neither of your friends could see them, so you didn’t bother to tell them about the subtle change in your relationship. At first, you decided to not talk about it to avoid their teasing; later, it would have felt forced to bring it up out of the blue.

Still, none of your dates with Taehyun felt like a secret. You might have kept the PDA low, but you held each other’s hand during your movie nights with your friends and shared a few chaste kisses here and there when it felt natural.

It was almost ridiculous how no one was suspecting a thing with your weekly outdoor dates until Soobin walked in on you two kissing in the kitchen while you were stress baking at their place the week before your exam period. And it was definitely hilarious how fastly the news spread after he excused himself and rushed into his room.

That night, you didn’t have a chance to worry about your exams, because your friends made sure all hell broke loose once they showed up at the door. It was chaotic - empty pizza boxes and half-empty soju bottles all around in the living room -, but your life had never been more amazing.

You still believed soulmates didn’t make one’s life whole: your life had always been and always would be a whole on its own. But being with Taehyun surely made the experience better.

the end.

[bbnibini]

I saw your tags in the Solomon post about his pact with Asmodeus tbh I agree with you maybe because I played the old game and know how cruel demons were shown at the start before they started overhauling the dialogue.

It wasn't until the brothers realized MC is related to Lilith so they started becoming nicer too. I just think it's unfair to put these characters in a box and expect them to act consistently that's called caricature not characterization but hey it's just my opinion.

Hi there! Solomon seems to be even more of a polarising character than Belphie was even if the latter committed an actual murder while the former hadn't done anything as severe (for now...jk lol).

Joking aside, it's completely valid to like and dislike a character. And I can totally see your point. I guess your opinion on Solomon changes depending on how long you had known him or how far you are in the story. Sometimes it doesn't even have a reason at all and that's valid too. It always amazes me how we interpet scenes so differently. Like for example, the current lesson (lesson 17).

In my eyes, the vulnerability he had shown in the bar/tavern was NOT intended. He had even insisted numerous times that we should forget everything that he said. That it was shameful he had even reacted that way. That he was being emotional. He was not in his right mind and it's shameful and disgusting and he should have never acted like that. This is the same man who said that he couldn't stand the thought of being hated by MC, so I think he must have reacted so strongly because this is a rare chance we see him at his weakest point: his true self. Being out in the open to someone who he wants to be loved by so badly TERRIFIES HIM. A lot of unexplored self-loathing in this man that's for sure. He even said you can call him insane because emotions had never been a factor in his decision making process. He's usually very emotionally intelligent and composed but your involvement. Your existence is beginning to shake his values. Because in the end, that air of confidence. Superiority. Magical prowess are years of building up defences against others from SEEING THE REAL HIM. I really like how the person I RB'd the blog from worded it. He's trying, but he's not perfect. He's human. He's hurt but in the cruel world he lived in all his life, he only had himself to rely on.

And there's something tragically poetic about that. Could his desire to make a pact with Lucifer be because he sees Lucifer as a "what-if" version of himself that had fallen from grace WITH people who loved him and believed in him? That if he gains Lucifer's trust, he would also be healing a part of himself who never had the chance nor the privilege to connect with others? If you recall in one of his SSR cards (the Comiket one forgot the name), the Lord of Corruption is his favourite character (possibly because he relates to the Lord of Corruption the most?), and it's been shown in the game a few times how he and Lucifer are comparable to each other (the Cyber event, TSL quiz battle, etc).

He seems to really be clinging into his humanity despite being isolated and even scorned by humanity itself at some point. Is it a saviour complex? Survivor's guilt? Either way, Solomon had been through a lot and he didn't seem to have a reliable guardian to rely on which is why he was acting like that. A stark contrast to how he and Diavolo were treated by Barbatos when his role in their lives had obvious parallels.

That's what's bothering me too. If Barbatos made Solomon "the way he is", then why is he so hostile towards him compared to the guilt and subservience he exhibits with Diavolo? Is it because like Asmodeus, he was also tricked into a pact(highly doubt this tbh unless that's actually the reason for Barbatos' deep disdain towards him? Because he had once treated Solomon with trust and compassion until it had been broken at some point)? Or could it be something deeper than that? A blight to the Fountain of Knowledge? Some forbidden boundaries that Solomon had crossed?

In my case, I have a considerable amount of background knowledge on him based on his "real life counterpart" before Solmare retconned it :'), and it has guided me surprisingly well (almost too well) in understanding him. King Solomon in the Bible had many enemies. But he is also kind and wise and benevolent and fickle and lustful and scheming. Loved by his people. Even given a blessed name by God. He had 700 wives and 300 concubines. He was a player, a fool in love, but for some reason, despite it all only had one named heir and had only one official wife, and when his actual heir had even taken over the throne, the United Kingdom of Israel was close to collapsing...which is weird because he's supposed to be wise and discerning. He could have totally predicted that from happening by defying God's word but kept on building pagan temples and marrying foreign wives anyway (despite how seemingly loyal he is to Naamah??). It's almost as if he wanted it to fall.

Sorry if I rambled too much lol. For me personally I don't really care if you like him or not. I think it's good they're trying to flesh him out although I have very very mixed feelings about them abandoning what they already worked on for his character in the OG. I do want Solmare to at least give us an option to side with him by our own terms. Not as blindly as the limited options they sometimes offer. (Ex. Okay, I'm on your side but can we please deal with this with more heart and consideration? AND HUMAN DECENCY? Not everyone is out there to get you and not all demonic transactions have to be heartless and calculating. Do you want a hug? :( )

EDIT: Idk why people are still liking this but tl;dr - Solomon was morally grey in the original source/Biblical King Solomon already so him being morally grey here should be no surprise. The entire cast is morally grey (except Luke probably). They're demons. You can hate on a character, but you should not bring it to an extent where you're already hurting a real live person for differing opinions.

[rrking]

He's Just Too Busy

Never was a poet tbh but right now my brain hurts

From the longing stares to the long letters I write most nights... I don't care that my sleep is now in nonexistence.

I ought to care that my interpersonal relationships are breaking down around me in the real world... But I don't.

That my mind is in tatters and all I can natter about is the man behind the mask I perceive as true love.

I don't care that I sleep through the day and shine brightly when it's dim, because it's all for a good cause, I tell myself.

It'll pay off in the future, because it's for him.

Except... One teeny tiny detail.

Not that of his fame or fawning hoardes of women,

The fact he doesn't know I exist or maybe I'm just another 'fan'.

If it's not me... it's that he's just busy.

That's okay, I think. I would learn to cope.

We would talk over text about things that are normal.

Sport, weather, work, family, hobbies, random shit... I've no desire to discuss with him work if he doesn't want to - because I don't want a working relationship.

I want to be the person who he comes to in order to decompress. That person he feels so comfortable with in person, spending time with me isn't such a stress.

Oh, how I want him to love me... How I yearn to be loved by someone, I mean... But that's all muddled up in the crossed wires between.

How I long to be held in his arms, and fall for his infectious silliness.

That's just one of his charms, I suppose. From the clown-like, asymmetric grin to the dorky air about him, the way I've taken to feeling is so unfair and so fucking grim.

Because if it's not me, you see... It's because he's busy.

It's not like a stand a chance anyway, though I do often wonder if he would feel the same.

Would our lives intertwine, or would they fall apart, lame?

I know he isn't playing me, but he's playing my heart.

He's playing himself, also. Shouldn't he be indifferent and he fall so...

Deeply?

With the latter, I say: He's just busy. I tell myself he's just busy. Don't be so gruff.

I'm not good enough. The lonely thoughts hit.

Would he be into me?

From the spontaneous visits across the other side of the world with but a moment left behind, to the complete lack of respect for the NDA he signed - would that man care as long as it's something else we get to talk about?

Or does it cease to be like that? More mature and serious? I like that thought.

Cute thoughts and heartfelt apologies when our plans have fallen through, once again, of course.

"It's alright," I say, but he would insist.

"You deserve so much better than what I can give to you, dearest."

He's just busy. He's just busy. My head's just busy.

When he's gone for months at a time and I'm at the Universe's mercy, it might be another woman's face that I see... But I'd never tell him such insecurities. I would never misuse his fragile heart.

Not for clout and never for art.

Because he's busy, remember? It's not that he doesn't care.

Even when I'm left in the dust with nothing but cobwebs to bear. Always in someone else's shadow... I'm beginning to think I belong here.

Loveless and lonely - Perhaps my sense of fulfillment isn't supposed to come from a man... Even if he's the one I see in my plan - for the future. I picture us together... Would he picture me? Would he picture us?

No. He wouldn't, because he's busy. He's just so busy.

For him I would put aside my insecurities. I would kiss him back like nobody else was there.

I thought perhaps, in the pockets of time spent with one another,

This meant he would be patient and treat me with care.

But he's too busy.

Doesn't he want to make the effort?

Am I unworthy of his love?

No. He's just busy. Just busy, he says. That's all he says. That's his only excuse.

I'm cynical, now. It's not like he's given up on love, like me. If this goes on, one day, he'll find somebody else and be their 'just busy'.

She will have some other convincing factor, of course. That's what always happens, since I'm never good enough.

I could be the most perfect woman, the best wife.

But, I know deep down that I still wouldn't catch your eye.

Instead, I'll just tell myself that you'd never care for love or for me. It seems less wicked,

than chasing a dream fenced in pure white picket.

Because you're too busy. You're too busy for me and my thoughts. My desires. My love... I have so much love I could give you, you know.

But, hey ho...

Maybe one day, it'll be me who's just too busy.

And strangely, that would be the best comeuppance ever.

[sangoziethesimp]

Borrowed Light | HU TAO X FEM! READER

Requested by @justbaraa12

Twice awake, a stolen start, Sunlit world, a troubled heart. Love's embrace, a shadowed fear, Can joy bloom where death is near?

The weight of a life not lived, a second chance unearned, pressed on your chest like a gravestone. Liyue had been a dream, a year of laughter and found family with Xiangling's fiery cooking, Xingqiu's whispered tales, Chongyun's exorcism mishaps, and Yunjin's unwavering optimism. But the dream morphed into a suffocating nightmare. You'd fallen for Hu Tao, the Director of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, a cruel irony considering the constant reminder of your stolen existence. Her morbid jokes and unflinching embrace of death were a twisted mirror to your own torment. How could you love someone who dealt with the cycle of life and death with such nonchalance, when your existence was a glitch in the very fabric of reality?

Your birthday, a day that should have been joyous, arrived draped in a shroud of self-loathing. You couldn't face the party, the forced gaiety a mockery of your churning insides. You fled, tears blurring the vibrant colors of Liyue Harbor into a watercolor mess. A hand, cold as the touch of a spirit, landed on your shoulder. Hu Tao stood behind you, her crimson eyes devoid of their usual playful glint.

"Hiding from a birthday party? Not very festive for someone who shouldn't even be here," she said, her voice flat, devoid of its usual teasing lilt.

The dam you'd constructed within you shattered. Words, barbed with despair, ripped from your throat. "Why am I here, Hu Tao? People die, they don't get a second chance! They don't wake up in a strange land with no memory of before! Why me? Why not them?" Your voice cracked, the unfairness of it all a bitter pill you couldn't swallow.

Hu Tao listened, her face unreadable. The silence stretched, a chasm between you. Then, she spoke, her voice low, a stark contrast to her usual flippancy.

"Death is inevitable, (Y/n). It's the natural order. But your existence, however unnatural, is a fact. Denying it won't change that. You bring a strange light to those around you, a flicker that defies the inevitable. But that light, it flickers because it has no source, no fuel. It's borrowed time, (Y/n)."

Her words were a hammer blow, shattering the fragile hope you'd built. Borrowed time. A flickering candle in a vast, dark cavern. You stared at the ground, a single, choked sob escaping your lips.

"I… I don't know what to do," you whispered, voice thick with despair.

Hu Tao remained silent for a moment, then sighed. "Perhaps," she said, a hint of her usual playfulness returning, "a little walk is in order. We can visit Qingce Village. They say there's a field of glaze lilies in bloom this time of year. Life and death, intertwined, just like us."

Her words were a twisted comfort, a reminder of the cruel paradox you embodied. As you walked with Hu Tao, the harbor receding behind you, a single, horrifying thought bloomed in your chest: perhaps your borrowed life wasn't a gift at all, but a cruel curse, destined to fade, leaving behind only an emptiness that mirrored the abyss you'd come from. The path ahead stretched out, desolate and uncertain, and for the first time, you truly questioned if you had the strength to walk it, even with Hu Tao by your side.

[arcsimper5]

Yaim'ol - Chapter 6 - Returns

yaim'ol - [yai-MOHL] - return, homecoming

Pairing: Sev x F!Jedi OC, Scorch x F!Jedi OC Characters: Delta Squad (Republic Commando), F!Jedi OC Cin Rating: M - Explicit content in later chapters Warnings: Gore, Canon-typical violence, angst, smut (later chapters), descriptions of injury, force osik.

Following on from the end of Republic Commando, Sev and Cin must make their way through the galaxy, overcoming trials and tests in a bid to keep themselves alive long enough to reunite with their squad.

“You sure about this, mesh’la?”

Sev’s tone was stern and low, an indication of his discomfort at the situation they found themselves in.

Being back in his full armour had never felt so foreign, the weight of it no longer a comfort.

He hadn’t repainted it. No point. He doubted he’d be able to hold back if anyone went for Cin. Better they knew who’d taken them down, or who’d died fighting for what little freedom he had left.

“Yeah,” she breathed, nodding slowly, sounding almost as if she was trying to convince herself, “yeah. I… I need to know.”

It was a risk, she knew that. Returning to Coruscant felt almost like a death sentence, regardless of the codes the wookie delegation had supplied them as cover.

Although their crash on Kashykk was only a few months prior, it had felt so much longer, every day sat waiting, planning, passing like a lifetime.

Now, piloting the tiny shuttle they’d been given, they felt vulnerable as the codes were keyed in upon an automated request from Coruscant control, clearance given almost instantly. It felt… too easy.

The ever present hive of activity swam into view, the traffic lanes of Coruscant flowing as always, painting lines of light across the sky.

It was like nothing had changed at all, and something struck Cin in the chest, her stomach tightening.

“How is everyone still just… going on?” she breathed, Sev shifting next to her, silently wondering the same.

For both of them, the galaxy had fallen apart, their entire lives upended, and yet… life went on. Worlds kept spinning, trade continued, and it felt so unfair.

“Guess for most people, Empire or Republic, nothing really changed,” he huffed, scanning the skyline. It felt so familiar, bar one thing. He spotted it before Cin, gritting his teeth when he saw her eyes lock onto the area the Jedi Temple had once stood.

He heard her gasp as they passed in clear view of the now ruined buildings, the giant halls nothing more than a pile of rubble now, surrounded by skycranes, being cleared away.

“It’s really gone,” she murmured, breath hitching as she tried to process what she was seeing, “the halls, the chambers, the archives…”

Her blood ran cold as she turned back to Sev, eyes wide and tear rimmed.

“Sev… The archives held holocrons,” she explained quickly, voice quiet, almost as if she was scared someone would hear, “containing the names and home planets of every Jedi, and not just the ones who were at the temple… They have the names of every Force sensitive child in the known galaxy, the ones who were to become Jedi recruits…”

Cold realisation hit them both as Sev growled, shaking his head.

“What we’re doing is dangerous enough, mesh’la. We need to focus on the plan. If it goes well, if we can get in and out undetected, there might be a chance, but…”

He hated himself as she turned away with a frown. She knew he was right, but it didn’t sting any less. Logic seemed to go out the window these days though, and Cin cursed her lack of control. 

She felt herself slipping, giving into emotion more and more since the Order went out, and it was troubling her on a level she couldn’t explain to Sev.

“I know, I know,” she muttered, a bitter tone in her voice she didn’t quite catch in time before it slipped out. Heaving a sigh, Sev placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently.

“Can’t save the galaxy all at once, ner kar’ta,” he reminded her, something she’d said to him once, on a particularly difficult mission gone wrong. Smiling softly, she felt a little lighter, grateful for his presence at her side as she lifted her own hand to cover his, leaning into his hold.

“I don’t tell you how much I love you enough,” she murmured, chuckling as Sev’s face went bright red, his expression still stern as he fought a smile, shaking his head and turning back to put his bucket on.

“Ner cyare,” he all but whispered back, her smile widening before it faded as their docking port came into view, the large wings of the ship automatically folding up against the sides as they were brought down by the auto-landing system. “You good?”

“As I’ll ever be,” she sighed, releasing the controls and grabbing her lightsaber, clipping it onto the rear clips of her belt, out of sight.

She knew it was dangerous to be carrying it, that it would identify her in an instant, but she couldn’t bear the thought of leaving it, of being without it, the last piece of a life she’s lost she had left.

Swallowing hard, she grabbed the huge grey cloak Tarful had gifted her before they left, the delicate silver embroidery creating sweeping images of the trees of Kashyyyk.

“Plan?” Sev prompted as the airlock hissed, pressure from the systems releasing while the door lowered, the stale, recycled air of Coruscant hitting her like a speeder bike.

“Level 1345,” she recited, drawing her hood up over her head as she steeled herself to take her first steps onto an Imperial Coruscant, “find the ventilation ducts to the academy, climb them and infiltrate the facility.”

“Then?”

“Find a console, use the generic trooper codes to find the others, download the location onto a data spike and leave the same way we came in.”

Sev nodded in approval, letting out a soft huff of laughter, one that drew him a scathing look from Cin.

“What?” she demanded, a little hurt by his reaction.

“Boss is gonna be proud as kriff of you. You know that?” he murmured, grinning under his helmet as Cin flushed brightly, shaking her head.

“You can tell him all about it when we get him back,” she grumbled, pulling her cloak tightly around her as she began to descend the ramp into the docking bay, keeping her senses open with the Force.

But even with her senses attuned, the anxiety pulsing through her blinded her to the set of dark eyes watching as they exited the ship, ones that followed their progress long after they entered the elevator to the lower levels.

*-*-*

“Hurry up, will you?”

“I’m going as fast as I can.”

“Well go faster!”

“Not the first time you’ve asked that of me.”

“Sev, I swear to the Maker…”

In another life, they might have been laughing as Sev struggled with the latches on the ventilation shaft, the metal tight and rusted from years of neglect.

They were pressed into a dingy alley in the lower levels of Coruscant, the skitter of rats and tookas and the hum of electricity filled the humid air, the bustle of homes and business of various levels of disrepute operating mere yards away covering what little noise they were making.

Still, Cin continued to glance up and down the alleyway as she leant against the wall behind her, trying not to draw attention as she kept watch, hissing back to Sev.

“I thought you were supposed to be a Commando. How hard is a vent cover?”

“Not exactly covered in basic training,” Sev grunted in response, the irritation in his modulated voice clear.

With a screech, the cover finally moved, Cin wincing at the sound, looking up and down the alley, making sure they hadn’t drawn any unwanted attention.

“Got it!” Sev chuckled triumphantly, lifting the huge cover behind some of the bins a little further down, keeping it out of sight.

“Yeah, I noticed,” Cin retorted sharply, rolling her eyes, “and half of the level, most likely. We need to move.”

“You worry too much,” Sev smirked, trying to placate her, the anxiety in her voice impossible to miss.

“And you don’t worry enough,” she chastised him, “you know what we’re risking here.”

“I do,” he replied, serious now as he stared down at her, instinct making him reach up and remove his bucket as she shuffled around, looking up into the pipe.

“Gonna be a tight fit,” she murmured, Sev snorting softly, expression apologetic when she turned round, glaring at him. 

“Just trying to lighten the mood,” he offered, reaching out a hand and wrapping it around her waist, pulling her close, “and trying to remind myself that being terrified isn’t going to help us.”

Cin sighed, dropping her head to his chest for a moment, hesitation taking over.

“Maybe this is a bad idea,” she whispered against his neck, “maybe there’s another way…”

“There probably is,” Sev soothed her, gloved fingers cording through her hair, “but it would take a lot longer. Who knows if they’re even together any more? The faster we move, the faster we’re all back together.”

Something in his tone caught Cin by surprise, the flecks of emotion showing through as he spoke. Through all of this, she’d failed to consider just how hard Sev was finding this, being separated from his batchmates.

They’d been together since birth, raised together on Kamino. They’d shared meals, bunks, missions, even her. They did everything together. To be alone after all those years…

Reaching up, she cupped his cheek, tilting his head down enough to brush her lips over his gently, the promise of her return unspoken.

“It’ll be just like Corellia,” she smiled softly, his lips lilting with the memory, “in and out, no-one will even notice.”

“Maybe we can celebrate the way we did then too,” Sev chuckled, glad for the tiny sliver of normality that passed between them, his heart still hammering away in his chest.

“Deal,” she grinned, leaning up to kiss him once more before she turned back to the vent, drawing in a steadying breath. “Okay, Commando. Give me a boost,” she ordered playfully, Sev letting out a low chuckle.

“Sir, yes Sir,” he smirked, bending down on one knee and placing his hands over it. Within seconds, she’d climbed onto him and was helped up into the vents, the sounds of her movement fading quickly.

“Be safe, mesh’la,” Sev murmured after her, reaching for his helmet and replacing it quickly, beginning his watch.

[s0mewhereweaknessis0urstrength]

Long political post warning:

A week from today is the election. I got the chance to vote early before I left for the conference. You probably know how I’ll vote, but I think it’s important this election again to say why I’m voting:

1. The peaceful transfer of power is essential to our democracy. You have a right to look into legal means, but concession is necessary for democracy. (https://constitutioncenter.org/blog/nothing-less-than-a-miracle-the-constitution-and-the-peaceful-transition-of)

2. Women’s safety and ability to have children. With the laws in many states, including Indiana, women have lost not only choice, but the healthcare they need to keep their reproductive ability. This is because many doctors are too scared by the laws to provide the necessary healthcare. In too many states, women with ectopic pregnancies and other issues are forced to carry until they are life-endangering situation. This includes women who have gone septic, had irreparable damage to their reproductive system, and dangerous blood loss. When this happens, it ruins women’s reproductive ability. This is unacceptable. (https://www.newsweek.com/pregnant-women-abortion-emergency-rooms-1937984)

3. Education should be available to everyone, and educators need to be able to do their work. As someone in higher education, I am biased. Laws that hinder educators and institutions do a disservice to the entire community and country. Truth on hard topics must be allowed and conspiracy theories must be rejected. In creating a world without public education, we hamper social mobility and growth. Also, having a federal department is essential for institutional accountability and information. This includes things like the Cleary Act, which requires all institutions to report crime data. The Department of Education enforces this act. (https://thehill.com/homenews/education/4171756-2024-republicans-want-to-eliminate-the-education-department-what-would-that-look-like/ )

4. LGBTQIA citizens deserve to keep our rights and have greater equity. It’s that simple. (https://www.lgbtmap.org/news/unfair-price-news-release)

5. Common sense gun laws. These can save lives. (https://everytownresearch.org/rankings/)

6. Common sense immigration laws. Most of us were immigrants to this country at one time and people deserve dignity and a chance. (https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2024/10/01/migrant-encounters-at-u-s-mexico-border-have-fallen-sharply-in-2024/)

Overall, we need a kinder discourse in politics, and I hope that whatever the outcome our country makes it through. If you still don’t know how you want to vote, go to https://www.isidewith.com/. It’s a great way to put your views in and see what candidates you align with more. #vote

[pazodetrasalba]

House of Unmirth (3)

Dear Caroline:

If you will allow me to abuse the metaphor, I would like to extend the House of Unmirth to our whole, unhappy universe itself. I believe, contra Einstein, that God does place dice. Or rather, to clothe it in a more physics-and-quantum-mechanics looking raiment, that given a very lax interpretation of the multiverse hypothesis, chance has created an infinite number of universes, each with its own laws. Along with the many-worlds-interpretation, we can assume that every collapse of the universal wave function creates a different world. Now, I do not think we live in the worst possible of these worlds, but a pretty average sample would still be in many regards a thankless place, with many ironies and unfair outcomes with regards to our own, particular and human views of the Fair and of the Just. In this sublunary world of ours, I count as a particularly cruel one that you, you of all people, given your virtues and moral character, and essential goodness, should have to end up in prison for a non-trivial amount of time.

One of the reasons why I balk from Utilitarianism and why I make a rather ineffective altruist (just completed the introductory course, btw) is that universal impartiality, moral egalitarianism and flattening feel essentially alien to me. I need to make distinctions, and I do not consider them defects or limitations of (my)self, but a true and inevitable property of how diverse humans are, and of how it is rational that we should make distinctions that only a god-like perspective would consider irrelevant. For we are no gods, but just fallible, if well-intentioned humans. Or then, perhaps, it is just that I am a more egoistic and parochial person than you, which accepts some very limited obligations towards all humans and some much higher ones for a smaller bunch, given to me by chance or choice.

Besides, I have an essentialist streak, meaning I am convinced that some people (and most definitely, you) are good in some essential, irrevocable way which no accidental or temporal failings can permanently obscure. And yet the universe can play cruel games on us, as when your most evident virtues and selflessness, as well as your instincts, affections and needs, could have been weaponized against you and led to the essential wrongness and absurdity of Caroline Ellison having to spend some time in prison, and bearing a badge of infamy for the remainder of her days.

And this is not only unfair: it is ludicrous, and against your nature. And yet the light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not been able to extinguish it. Even in this fallen, gnostic realm, this prison of iron in which we languish, the evil machinery of the cosmos is not enough to crush or annihilate your inner worth, dear Caroline. Tested, as in the fire, the test of time will show to all, including the most sceptic, what mettle, and metal, you are truly made of. And like the slander of Hermione in HPMOR, I am confident in saying that there's a non trivial chance that one day, Effective Altruism and other good causes will only be remembered because Caroline Ellison engaged with them. And something more: I consider myself blessed to exist in one of the universes where you exist.

[savetooru]

it might as well be you

read through pj's blog entry "please let me know" recently and wanted to write a quick post in response!*

the brief answer would be that i live for other people. long one from here: when the future feels bleak, i keep going because i imagine someone could maybe benefit from my sticking it out at some point. ignoring the fact that i sound like a walking savior complex — it's more like, there are too many moving parts to write off. no matter how average or ordinary you feel, nobody else is going to know what you know the way you know it. nobody is going to do the same things you do, whether you achieve your goals or not. that you spend time reflecting on your place in the world at all means you're probably doing your best at living, and chances are you're gonna move somebody somewhere because of it. who's to say that the terrible essay you wrote in fifth grade isn't resting snugly in a teacher's drawer as a source of inspiration. that the smile you flashed the employee at the mall didn't keep 'em on their feet for the rest of their shift. that the next person would have tipped as well, or fallen as hard, or scraped their knees as badly. the world is big and daunting and unfair. it is also the distance from one withered palm to another. i'm sure i've only made it so far because i've been pulled along and supported by countless others, so it's only fair to assume i could be a tether for somebody else. unfortunately we are all special and irreplaceable and burdened with no conceivable means of grasping the degree to which we are or will become either of these things, so to me — it just kinda feels like the safest bet is to keep moving forward.

all that said, i hope things ease up on your end so you can do whatever you want at your own pace! i believe in you!!!!!

title pulled from dimension 20’s starstruck odyssey campaign. full quote goes: “it’s a tough galaxy out there, but somebody’s gotta live in it... it might as well be you.” *apologies for not replying via guestbook or email, by the way— i've been a little awkward and terrible at keeping up with 1-to-1 correspondence lately ><

[icharchivist]

I believe that Belial is so pissy at Seox because Seox (also) has blood on his hands, but he was allowed a fresh start and to have loving friends and family and, well, a redemption

Belial might not think that's possible for him, so he's projecting on the poor catboy

All his lines towards him in Versus carry this sense of "you're no better than me, you're a monster too, let's drag out the darkness inside you"

So really, he's jealous of our big bro for getting a second chance

oh that makes a tone of sense.

I do also think that Belial just, reads people's greatest insecurities, and Seox does in fact consider himself a monster who shouldn't be allowed any type of redemption because of the blood on his hands.

so out of all the things Belial could actually hurt Seox about, it's using this, regardless of how much Belial relates to it. It is the one thing Seox is the most vulnerable about, and while Seox might carry on the fight without problem (like a killing machine, one would say), this could create doubt in his mind and have him set distance with MC because he believes Belial's words. so even if Belial doesn't win this physical fight, he can ruin Seox's life in a much more insidious way.

Granted i actually believe that, especially post Seeds of Redemption, he knows now that MC would not let go of him, no matter what... but it doesn't change that this pain Belial would bring up would at least have him pause.

so i do think Belial mostly attack him here because it is Seox's one weakness.

however, if we want to read that Belial is jealous, i think it works as well because, even a tiny bit, Belial believes he's too far gone in his own darkness to even have a chance at redemption -

and i think if Belial wasn't fully aware of what would become of the Fallen Angels during the Avatar project, he could actually, well, project on Seox on this one. Because it would mean both of them were led to become the instrument of mass suffering along people that belonged with them in some way, mainly in their attempts to satisfy the needs of their maker. And both of them would have seen the blood on their hands and considered themselves too rotten, too irredeemable.

And then Belial doubled down on it, on "if i'm to be the monster, then i shall be the monster", while Seox took it more as "even if there is no way for me to ever pay for my crime, all i can do is make sure that if i'm still alive, i use this life to lessen the pain in this world, and it will never have me atone for my sins, but it's all i can do".

And with the way Belial would be more defeatist, just thinking that its his duty, his fate to be the monster by the end of it all... this type of things would piss him off. It's so righteous, so unfair. Why is he not allowed to move on, but this guy is? (because you chose that, Belial).

and Belial convinced himself that by being the monster, he is indeed going to stay alone all of his life, and instead he sees that Seox, who lives with a guilt Belial denies for himself, still somehow managed to find love all around him.

Seox would be ultimately the proof that Belial could have chosen differently and all the things Belial convinced himself were just part of the course due to his nature, were actually all the choices he made to make himself more miserable.

So instead of putting himself back in question, it's Seox's resolve he'll put back in question.

To prove to him, and to himself, that this sort of darkness can't lead to a happy future.

because if it does, then Belial would really have destroyed himself for nothing.

[jac-is-procrastinating-again]

Ah but recall; Crowley is a rebel but Aziraphale is all about rules. That's how he sees life, and how he feels safe, where there are strict rules that you obey if you're Good and break if you're Bad.

Aziraphale is genuinely good at heart, I think, and he cares about others and is compassionate, but he is also a massive innocent, naive and childish. He's not cynical enough to realise that a bad thing done in the name of Good is still a bad thing, whereas Crowley realises that REALLY early on.

Crowley is Fallen but he knows he shouldn't really be in Hell. He didn't fall so much as saunter vaguely downwards. He come across as having been really wounded though, so i think we can surmise that the battle before the Fall was pretty traumatic. So though he is at heart good, he knows that in terms of categories he's been classified as Evil unjustly (I have a theory about that too) and part of his conflict comes from that. He doesn't care what Hell thinks about him or Heaven either because what they did was wrong, both incorrect and unfair. He's under no illusions about the infallibility of Heaven and he has all sorts of questions about God too.

Aziraphale OTOH has a fairly accurate moral compass but it is all screwed up by the fact that Heaven is morally pretty messed up, and they make the Rules that dictate what is Good and what is Evil. God's supposed to be Ineffable so the fact that none of it makes sense to him is not a deal breaker... But at the same time, Aziraphale has to continually quash his unease over be asked to do stuff which he knows is wrong.

The other thing is (and I suspect this might go back to the Fall and he very well might not remember) he is deeply lacking in confidence in himself and his instincts. He's neither stupid not weak but he'd much prefer it if Crowley initiates their shenanigans because that way he doesn't have to worry about getting it wrong and inadvertently being Evil. Every time they go into the gray, so to speak, Crowley argues for the actual Good outcome (interesting choice for a demon) whereas Aziraphale generally agrees what it is, but is very, very hesitant to cross the line that denotes (artificially) what is labelled as Good from what is labelled as Evil. Why is he so afraid? I wonder if he too has scars but he doesn't remember what they are or why (hang on, another theory fermenting there, need to go make notes).

So for Crowley both Heaven and Hell are about punishment and pain and rejection and threat. He won't go back there and is doing his best to do small good things for specific people and keeping his badnesses generic (m25, locking up the whole phone network) so no one person suffers too much. He's getting through eternity the best way he can.

But for Aziraphale, Heaven is safety and reassurance and Getting It Right. Heaven lays down the laws that allow him to stay out of trouble (mostly). Heaven is where everything is Good and Happy and though he has come to see that there are distinct cracks in it, when they offer him the chance to fix it he is overjoyed.If he can fix the rules, then he can do as much good as he wants without the threat of retribution (although in his usual guarded way he tends to refer to it as 'paperwork'). But he is mostly overjoyed because he can Fix Everything for Crowley and the two of them can be (he thinks) safe and together and doing officially sanctioned Good without threat for eternity, which is the sum total of everything he's ever wanted. He loves his bookshop, but this would make so much more of a difference. (Also he is a little vain, and this does tickle his vanity).

For him Metatron's offer means that he doesn't have to be afraid any more, but can live in perfect happiness with the love of his life, making the world better for ever (and ever amen).

Ah,, Metatron, you're such a bastard.

Metatron pitches this artful offer to them because he knows exactly how to split them up. He knows them well. Plus, he knows Crowley and Crowley knows him. But when he says "You know me don't you, Demon?" Crowley evades the question, which makes me think that it's also a threat. He doesn't answer yes or no, and like the Metatron, he doesn't name names. He just says "Last time i saw you, you were on a big screen." This implies there was a previous time (could be just a figure of speech but i think not) and also recalls the others to who he is.

So part of the reason Crowley reacts to the situation as he does is that it doesn't make him angry with Aziraphale. If it was a normal lover's spat, I'd expect him to drive away when he storms out, but he doesn't. He can't. He knows perfectly well that the angel has been played by Metatron. I actually wonder if that glance at Nina is him thinking it's time to tell Aziraphale about the whole thing, and what happened around the Fall.

But Metatron waits for Crowley to get angry (he does know him pretty well if he knows he'll storm outside again rather than lightning the bookshop) and then nips in and scoops Aziraphale before Crowley can get a hold of himself and spill the beans. And he reinforces thatbeing with Crowley-the-demon is bad and a threat, and Heaven has a big list of Aziraphale's sins that he thought he'd slid under the radar, but that protocol could be adhered to (and that he can save / restore his beloved without bad consequences) if he just comes to Heaven.

If Metatron was of good intent and all was as it seems, the logical thing would be to have this conversation with the two of them, but Metatron deliberately takes Aziraphale to one side.

Why? Because he can' risk Crowley talking about last time. He doesn't want Aziraphale thinking too clearly about the whole thing or asking awkward questions. He knows that this will send Crowley into a fury, so sending Aziraphale back in with this threat-disguised-as-gift will split them up for long enough that he can hurry Aziraphale away willingly. Crowley would fight to the last feather on his wings if he thought Metatron was coercing his beloved, but if he's apparently going willingly and they've just fallen out, even if Crowley hasn't stormed off, he'll hesitate for long enough to get Aziraphale to the lift. And it is VERY near the bookshop, isn't it??

Metatron's genius is in the fact that though Aziraphale realises that this is a poisoned chalice *before* he steps into the lift, the lure of being able to make things right for Crowley is stronger than his concerns, which is why he glances back, but then gets in. And his expressions in the lift go from worry and anxiety at the situation to hurt at the argument, and then there's a crafty little glance towards Metatron in case he's going to get caught doing something transgressive, and that tremulous smile. I'd bet any money that if we saw the rushes on that, there'd be just the tiniest twitch of his hand towards his lips, quickly covered. But this is where it backfires for Metatron.

Because this is actually Aziraphale doing something actually quite courageous.

He's not as stupid as Metatron thinks. He knows the situation is bad and he's been told that their old companionship can't continue as it was - it's this or nothing. He knows full well it's trap. But now he knows for sure that Crowley loves him, Aziraphale is going in completely without backup and taking on all the forces of Heaven in order to find a way to be with his beloved. And when Aziraphale finds his certainty... it might take a while for him to understand what a fundamental shift it is, but when Aziraphale finds his certainty, I'm pretty sure there's going to be fireworks.

So Aziraphale’s “I forgive you” has been living rent-free in my brain, mostly because I can’t pin down why he said it, exactly. I’ve read a few bits of meta on the reasoning behind it (which were all good! No shade here), and I’m still grappling with it, especially within the greater context of the series. So I'm gonna talk it out.

I read a subpar (professional) review of the series in which the author criticized the minisodes because they felt it took them out of the story and added nothing to the modern day plot — which, let’s be serious, is a ridiculous take. Both the story of Job and the Resurrectionists provide a clear insight into how Aziraphale and Crowley see both their duties and how they interact with the world and people (both as part of their duties and also just because… they want to).

Aziraphale doesn’t want Job’s children to die, and he’s horrified at both Heaven’s lackadaisical approach to “allowing” Hell to kill Job’s children and their incapability of understanding that a child can’t simply be replaced by another child. He’s delighted to learn that Crowley isn’t carrying out Hell’s (and Heaven’s) orders, and even goes along with Crowley’s impromptu plan to “return” Job and Sitis’ children to them. He’s clearly uncomfortable lying to Gabriel et al and expects punishment — even Falling. I summarize all of this not because I don’t know y’all watched it, but because it’s insight into how Aziraphale approaches internal conflict. He doesn’t want Job’s children to die. He backs down from his protests when Gabriel et al call him out; but because he knows Crowley has been tasked with carrying it out — Crowley, who he has report with, who he knew before he Fell — he tries to prevent it from happening. He tries to appeal to Crowley’s once angelic nature to prevent the act, while simultaneously knowing that Heaven wants it to happen too. He's tempted by Crowley into following Crowley's lead, into accomplishing what he wanted to happen anyway but wouldn't do on his own. 

Both Crowley and Aziraphale are hypocrites but with different end results: Crowley wants to slip under the radar by sort of following orders, while having as little to do with either side as possible. He’s a hypocrite so he won’t be bothered, even if it’s lonely. Aziraphale wants to follow orders that he agrees with, while wanting to appear holy and obedient in the sight of Heaven. He doesn’t want to be bothered either, but he wants Heaven to think well of him while he’s not being bothered. He cares about being lonely. Aziraphale wants to have his cake and eat it too, and Crowley just doesn’t want to be anywhere near cake.

The story in the Resurrectionists is tragic and fascinating from a character standpoint, because it puts Aziraphale in a position of what he considers moral authority, while ignoring the harsh reality of Elspeth and (wee) Morag’s lives. Elspeth is doing something Aziraphale (and society) considers immoral, and he actively prevents her from profiting from it; it isn’t until he understands the wider scope of how bodysnatching benefits medicine that he reconsiders. Seeing the girls in distress was not enough. He hesitates before saving Morag’s life and she dies. He doesn’t want Elspeth to kill herself, but it’s Crowley that truly intervenes (and is punished for it, unlike with Aziraphale and Job). Crowley doesn't "tempt" Aziraphale into anything, because Aziraphale doesn’t agree with Crowley, and he can only be tempted to do something he wants to. 

Here's the thing: Crowley was given orders to punish Job, which he clearly disagreed with due to the suffering it would cause. He found a way around them, and roped Aziraphale into helping out.

While not given orders, Aziraphale witnessed human suffering and decided it was not enough to warrant committing a victimless crime; and when given the opportunity to do something merciful but that might put him on Heaven’s watchlist, he doesn’t. His concern over his own reputation stops him. It’s Crowley who actively prevents Elspeth from killing herself, just as it’s Crowley who tells Aziraphale to give Elspeth his money.

Aziraphale agrees with Crowley that neither Heaven nor Hell is particularly great, but unlike Crowley with Hell, Aziraphale still wants Heaven to like him. As much as he loathes Heaven’s bureaucracy and obsession with appearance, he’s still tethered to it.

So what does this have to do with his forgiving Crowley after the kiss? Well.

Just like Crowley needed a good old-fashioned talking-to by Nina and Maggie about his ~feelings~, in the time-honored fanfiction tradition of third parties helping out; I don’t think Aziraphale knows he’s in love with Crowley. He knows he loves Crowley, and if pressed I’m sure he would admit that yes, it was different than the love he felt for other things in Creation — but he wouldn’t connect the dots. He wouldn’t want to. What he and Crowley have is perfectly suitable to him, and changing anything would not only rock the boat — but it would require him to have to sort out one of those internal conflicts he finds so distasteful.

The Metatron’s plan is thus perfect: it changes things, but does so in a way that affirms Aziraphale’s own biases. The promotion to supreme archangel would put Aziraphale at the top of the hierarchy. There’s no need to take the hierarchy/bureaucracy out — Aziraphale wouldn’t want that anyway. He cares about his reputation. He's being given the opportunity to be in complete control of it. 

The Metatron also validates his relationship with Crowley, and provides Aziraphale with not only the opportunity to bring Crowley with him, but to "restore" him. In Aziraphale's mind, Crowley's becoming an angel again wouldn't change who Crowley is: but it would connect him to Heaven again. Heaven can be a drag, but it's still good, and this time, Aziraphale will be in charge and he can make sure it's good enough for Crowley, who just asked questions, after all.

(And Crowley wouldn't have to be so lonely. Ignore the fact that Crowley has Aziraphale and that's all he wants.)

And this is where it all comes together.

Not only does Crowley reject his proposal, but he also insists on his perspective -- that they don't need anyone else. They don't need Heaven or Hell. (And this is off topic but I loooove the line that insinuates they basically live in each other's pockets now, as opposed to pre-Armageddon when they met up every once in a while. Love! It!) They're at their best together, and they always have been, and Aziraphale’s falling for Heaven’s bs. They can be like Gabriel and Beelzebub. They don't need anyone else.

But Aziraphale has just been told that he can have his cake and eat it too, for real this time; and to really stretch this analogy too far, he can own the bakery too. He doesn’t want what Crowley is telling him, because he wants what the Metatron has offered. Crowley wants them to be them, free of their constraints; Aziraphale wants to be them, with control over their constraints. 

And then Crowley does what he always does when Aziraphale is being obstinate: he leads him to what they both want. Or, he tries -- the kiss is desperate, messy, awkward. Crowley wants Aziraphale to follow his lead, to succumb to temptation, as it were, how he always does. To know it's okay to do what they want instead of what Heaven expects, just like how it was okay with Job’s children.

Aziraphale knows what Crowley’s doing. He will not be tempted this time. He forgives Crowley for trying. He forgives him for following the steps of their usual dance. This is the Aziraphale of the Resurrectionists, full of moral conviction, not the story of Job.

 (And now here's a fun kicker -- does Aziraphale know Crowley loves him, after the kiss? Or does he assume Crowley had a different intent? Aziraphale is stunned after the kiss. He’s not even sure how to define what he feels for Crowley, and Crowley kissed him? Oofa doofa.)

[simp4aegon]

GOLDEN HOUR

Aemond Targaryen x Morningstar!Oc /reader

Chapter One : The Angel, Her Misery, His Lover.

Warnings: Violence, Blood, NSFW, Romantic shit.

You can imagine yourself as Lilith well she is you and your time travel has gone right, or better for your happiness that you can’t find in the modern world where you lived. This is a crossover between Lucifer and HOTD.

Legends said that angels are made to protect God's creations, that they are god's favorite children.

You see them as the most beautiful thing, for they are the first one to live, The witness of his creations.

Wings, pair that symbolize power and freedom, soft to the touch but as sharp as blades that protected them.

Some chose to continue serving their God, those who stayed in light, some chose to go join the other side, known as the fallen and the neutral ones, those who chose life, who chose to love.

They have the power of light but one has the power of time and reality, and that angel is special to her kind.

Victoria was made up by a dude,

girl you wouldn't believe she's an old man who lives in Ohio,

I know victoria's secret, cashing in body issues.

In the modern day of 2022 Princess Lilith, Daughter of Lucifer Morningstar remembers how she argued with her father two days ago.

While she sings on stage as an internationally famous pop star, she realizes that her father wasn't there, to support her or to watch, her getting ready for later's event.

Wanting to prove her father wrong about her grandfather's creations; humans, Her life as a princess in the modern world of Los Angeles doesn't really please her.

“Daddy, You never paid attention to me! You never listened, you only listened to them to... to Trixie and Chloe, this is unfair, I am your blood, your flesh, Am I not?”

Lilith yelled as she threw her arms in frustration, as she walks towards her father in his throne of darkness. she then walks back and forth with her Dark Brown hair flowing in wind.

Lucifer's army, Knights of hell watched as she yelled at her father, something only she can do, or else those who try will suffer a fate worst that dying in the lake of lava.

Like what the princess called.

“Enough of this nonsense Lilith! There is no love for us, Love makes us vulnerable to anything, Do your things find a man to play with, Travel and stop bothering me for there are more important things that I have to do.”

Lucifer then looked at his daughter’s reaction.

"Important? Wedding plans? You're a hypocrite, you're a fucking hypocrite dad! you don't want me to find love but here you are marrying a damn mortal, admit it, I am the mistake you wish you never committed, you kept on telling me that I am not entitled of a man, a child, you rid me of the world, you rid me a chance of a family and now you're building one without me."

A reaction he never expected, He doesn’t understand why she craved love when she can have anything she wanted, He gave her everything she wanted.

"Didn't I gave you a career? You're a successful popstar! I gave you everything every material whims, give me a chance to find my happiness." He's selfish, egoistic fucker.

"What do you know about love dad?" Lilith whispers.

"What do you know? You're just a kid." Lucifer tried keeping his cool.

“You wouldn’t say that there is no love for me if I have my mom with me, you never searched for Mom, now you'll marry her! You promised it's you and me now her? HER? And her kid?.” With that Lilith roared louder.

Lucifer now understands his Dad, Lilith mirrored some parts of him that he now hated, That she became a rebel, but there are good parts, To Lucifer, she wanted to live.

That he was a hypocrite for denying his daughter and feeding her with information he now supports and wants.

"Lilith! I did not raise you, to talk like that toward Chloe! You'll refer to her as your mother and Trixie as your younger sister, Are we clear?. What I had for Chloe is genuine love." Lucifer slapped Lilith across the face and then harshly grabbed her shoulder.

"What about my mother? WHAT ABOUT ME?!" Lilith asked as she touches her right cheek.

That triggered something, it made those Fire opal eyes glow, something that shocked Lucifer.

"I'm sor-" Lucifer attempts as his eyes go soft.

"You did not raise me, grampa raised me, Not you not Chloe not anyone! You don't get to touch me like that!" Those fire opal eyes glowed while her selcra turned black, it scared Lucifer.

She once wants to find something he avoids to help him realize, Something that he's afraid of, Like what he does to Chloe, Chloe Decker.

She kinda regrets the fact that it it turns out the way she doesn't intended to.

But he's hypocrite, Now he's getting married, to her.

'Why does she wants to be a human? Or does she? She doesn’t need love, She needs me.' Lucifer thought to himself those words.

Lilith wasn’t spoiled, Lilith just understands what she wants and that is to love, Lilith can’t find love in the modern world where she lived for almost two billion years of her existence.

With no lust for the throne where she’s meant to torment people, Lilith figured out that needed a man, to love, to cherish as humans do. Lilith wanted a family, not temporary happiness her father calls a One Night Stand.

Wanting to prove that her father's a hypocrite, to tell him everyday.

She snaps from those thoughts, While singing her songs her tears slowly fell, she realized what she wanted. With those tears, in an instant, it rained with loud thunderstorms, a reason for her to leave with the guards protecting her.

Other people tried to take pictures with her but failed.

But a man gave her a white handkerchief, which she took but never got a glimpse of his face, due to bodyguard blocking her of the view.

"Thank you."

_

Lilith stood there with bitter laughing, drinking her fifth glass of wine and listening as people gave their wishes to Mr. and Mrs. Morningstar.

She felt so fucking alone in this world.

Lilith tried not to create a commotion with her emotions, she remembers she's higher that the angels in the reception area.

You're a fucking seraphim.

"You okay?" Her uncle Amanedee asked giving her a slice of lemon cake which she politely refuses, Same with Castiel and Gabriel who gave her foods.

"I hope you and mom a happy life together." Trixie smiled as she gives the microphone to her new step sister.

Lilith refuses but Maze gave her a nudge and a gentle smile. With that Lilith took the mic and went on stage holding her eight glass of wine.

"To the both of you, Congratulations, live your lives to the fullest starting this night without any problems or...." Lilith didn't finish, Amandiel was quick to pick up those cryptic message his niece left the moment she passed the mic to him then walked out of the reception.

God, her grandfather gave him a sad look, His first grandchild, feels sad, in exchange of his favorite son's happiness.

He can't read her, No one can, Just like his sister.

Lilith went back to her hotel, headed to her bathroom as she filled her gigantic tub with ice as she pointed her finger at the candles where it lits themselves. She stared at the tv screen which showed nothing but static.

Lilith wished to prove him wrong, that angels and demons are entitled to love just like humans, that she too is entitled like him to Chloe.

That it's not only about duty to protect her Grandfather's creation but to also love them.

“Sanguis animæ meæ suscipe me ad fata mea, sanguis cordis mei, salus mea et judicium meum.”

Lilith chanted those words while crying as she soak herself, and let the water consume her, to wash away her worries and to bring excitement to her journey.

Wanting to forget that she doesn't have a place here anymore, That her father has his new family, with new baby on the way with Chloe.

Her anger, her sadness, her pain, her grieve, her longing for a mother she never met.

A mother who's name she never knew.

The mother who left her the moment she was born.

The lights flicker and died but the fire from the candle remained still. Thunder roars at the sky as lightning strikes in the darkness.

Lilith doesn’t care if she needs to create a new world or travel with time or reality, or various timelines or even worlds, only to find her love.

'If Wanda Maximoff can make herself happy, so am I' Lilith smirks as she let the water consume her.

The water had it's tint of red violet color the moment she sank.

_

"Baby? Can we talk? I'm so sor-" Lucifer said behind the door but then felt that there's something wrong, he then kicked the door open.

The young girl vanished the moment the fire of her candles died, Comes her father when walked into her hotel's master bathroom, With no signs of the princess of hell.

It made him worry, he felt the guilt.

That made him sob to his friend Maze, To help him with his daughter whom he loved.

"She's missing, Maze she's missing, call Chloe, my daughter is missing," Lucifer yelled at his friend beside him, With visible worries written on his face.

"Where is she Lucifer, where did she go?" Maze responded as she kneels beside the bath tub and touched the water.

She can't sense anything, Lilith is not only prominent when it comes to using her angelic grace but also in her demonic ones that she uses when only in need.

They forgot that she was the mother of witches, Maze knew that Lilith wanted to empower women, so she gave them blessings against men who tried to violate them.

God was against it at first but agreed.

"I don't know, I think she performed a ritual, She went somewhere else, I yelled at her earlier, two or three days ago, slapped her accross the face and I didn't mean it, I wanted to say sorry but when I came inside her room she was missing." Lucifer facepalmed as he pinches his nose bridge.

"You do know that she has a concert this month right?" Eve took her to butt in.

"You're fucking concerned about the concert when she's missing?" Maze rolled her eyes.

"And she's missing, Great." Lilith is a popstar in 2022, A well-known popstar who's missing.

"And you slapped my granddaughter Samael? Did I raise you to be like that? I took your burden of raising her, the only thing I ask for is your love and compassion" God calmly placed a hand on his shoulder

"Stop putting the blaming only on me, only if you didn't lock her away, we could've raised her." God, their father was disappointed who walked away in search of his favorite granddaughter.

_

A warm peaceful day in King’s Landing was disturbed when King Viserys woke up in a good health, His illness was cured and when he stands up from the bed, He looked in the mirror and then at his hand and face, and hair.

By the Gods, His youth and strength were restored so that he doesn't need a cane to walk.

King Viserys thanked the Gods for it and prayed that this isn't a dream and this isn't temporary, That when he woke up the next day, He'll still be healthy and strong.

Even going to the extent of sacrificing a live animal as his form of thanking God or anyone who did that to him.

It shocked the maidens and his wife Queen Alicent who suggest that it was a result of witchery but King Viserys dismisses the vile rumors and sees it as a blessing by the Gods, he wanted to test the limits when he and Queen Alicent heard the news of a young woman found floating in the bodies of water by the fishermen.

They wanted to see the young woman that they found.

Prince Aegon alongside his brother Prince Aemond watched as their people carried the said girl and wrapped her with towels, She was beautiful in his eyes.

She was worth the reason for him to stop training at the moment with Ser Criston Cole.

“Nice tits.” The prince whisperer when he earned a nudge from his brother who was younger than him, He saw how focused Aemond's eyes to her.

Aemond's eye inspected the beauty. "Bring her to Reds' keep, we’ll question her once she wakes up, That woman might be sent to cause damage to us," Aemond ordered Ser Criston Cole as they brought her to the Castle carried by the knight.

"Look at her breast brother, you can't lie that she doesn't arouse you." Aegon teased Aemond who swallows thickly.

She looked like a threat but deep inside he felt something different while watching her, She was wearing a white nightgown with her nipples visible due to being soaked.

“Someone’s lusting over the girl, Don't worry I do too, I can't wait for her to wake up, see what that cunt does.”

Aegon laughed as he followed the knight and Aemond followed him back, He admits he can’t wait to hear her whereabouts but was more excited about bedding her.

“I won’t fall for a witch.” Aemond defends himself, he swallowed again.

He admits she's beautiful with those porcelain-like skin, Red lips like blood, and hair as dark as ravens.

She reassembles the princess in their bedtime stories, Snow white with a thin waist and large breasts.

“Who says she’s a witch then? Maybe she was sent by the Gods to bring pleasure to us, can't wait to deflower her sweet cunt brother.” Aemond gave him a side eye, Annoyed with his brother's intentions.

“You won’t touch her, witch or not.” There he left his brother and walked faster, He somehow regret calling her a witch, for judging her.

Maybe she's just pretty.

He knows one thing; He won't let Aegon stip her honor.

_

Walking back and forth, King Viserys tries to think of a reason behind this, This is the first time they had a floating body of a woman in the Kings landing,

“Poor little girl, Who would do such a horrible thing.” Alicent pitied as she caresses the young girl's wet hair and used a dry towel to carefully dry its hair.

“Born between the light and darkness shall she choose the light. Love and affection is the desire, A shining beauty in the stars that glow to the darkness.”

Helaena whispers in the corner of Aemond’s chamber while playing with a butterfly with broken wings that made Alicent and Aemond look.

The Queen ordered her maids to dry and changed the girl's clothes, She’s still unconscious so they do not know things about her, who she is, or how she got there.

“I will order an execution for the one responsible for this poor girl's torment the moment I heard details of it.” King Viserys pitied the young girl as he sat beside her and gently caressed her hair.

He reminded her of when Rhaenyra, His favorite when was a young girl and decided that she is welcomed to their homeland.

“Mother, Aemond had a theory that it was a punishment, Killing such a beauty. That she’s a witch of their homeland or some whore.” Alicent looked at her son Aegon as she held the young girl’s hand which is cold, She ordered more wood for the fireplace to keep the girl warm.

“Aemond? You shouldn’t throw vile accusations without the truth, does this looks like a witch to you?” King Viserys showed his visible disappointment with his son Aemond.

Aegon then smirks at Aemond while he's drinking his wine.

“What makes you think of that Aemond?” Alicent asked.

“Her unnatural beautiful mother, I mean look at her face and body, witches have smaller waists or maybe she was sent by other kingdoms to do harm to us, To father.”

Aemond defended himself while looking at the sleeping lady, He took off his coat to wrap it around her.

“See Aemond, Do not judge a beautiful girl like her. If you feel an attraction, admit it, There’s no need to throw vile accusations, Just wait till she wakes up, you'll see what that mouth can do.” Aegon teased, as he keep on teasing his brother with dirty jokes.

Aegon too is enticed by her beauty.

Alicent gave his son Aegon a firm look, A glare, for speaking those words in the presence of the king. She knew what Aegon meant and his reason to defend the young girl is to bed her.

Dirty intentions.

“And she’s not a tool of your desire brother, I admit I did call her a witch but not a whore, I demand she stay here with me.” Aemond gave him a stern look again, He knows what he wants with the witch, and he won’t let that happen.

“I shall return to my throne, Aemond keep an eye on her, Alicent order the maids to prepare food once the girl wakes up, Aegon you’ll order other people of our kingdom about the girl, understand? Let your brother stay here alone. Helaena you're free to stay with the girl too if you'd like.” Aegon nodded at his King's father, He wanted to be the one to take care of the girl.

"Hmm," Aemond said in response.

King Viserys wanted to make sure that the girl feels welcome, To feel at home at least, it reminded him of when Rhaenyra was a young girl, she was pure and good, He didn’t want to accuse the girl of anything like his son Aemond and Aegon.

With his duties, Aemond chose to follow the king’s commands to watch the girl while everyone leaves.

"You are the fruit of light and darkness, New bringer of light to my-." Helaena smiled at her new friend and took off her emerald ring to place it on the sleeping girl's finger.

Aemond listened, as his sister kept on calling the girl 'Darkness'

"You look more pretty with the ring, wake up so we can be friends." Helaena hugged the sleeping girl.

"What do you mean by darkness?" Aemond had enough of the name-calling and decided what her riddles meant. "You don't know?" Helaena asked in surprise.

Before Aemond could reply Helaena left his chamber in a such rush that left him with the girl. Aemond locked the doors from his chamber, He then sat on the tool beside the bed.

The peach garment that belonged to Helaena suited her better with her dark hair, He held her hand which is ice cold, He placed a light kiss on it and whispered.

"I'm sorry for accusing you of being a witch my lady, maybe you are a siren, Because we found you on our lake." Aemond smiled to himself as he watches the girl sleep with her steady breathing.

He'll make her his wife one way or another.

"I promise to protect you, To be a loving husband to you and you only." He leaned closer to place a kiss on her cold lips and then forehead.

He can't deny the attraction, What caught his attention was the white and gold feather from her white nightgown that he kept.

It was a very sharp, blade-like feather that cut through his thumb that suddenly healed, He'll keep it as a lucky charm, some kind of a talisman.

"Witch or not, I'll do anything to be your love or be your sacrifice." He kissed her knuckles again.

(LISTEN TO INFINITY)

[pupandangelscoffee]

Three makes a family

Eddie Diaz x Evan "Buck" Buckley x Female reader

Genre: mostly fluff, slight angst in the middle

TW: mentions of alcohol, arguing

Word count: slightly over 3K

Taglist: @enterprise-medical

Buck really loved Carla and he knew that Eddie did too, especially since Chris always seemed to happy around her. That is why he did not understand why Eddie chose to hire a babysitter for Chris, clearly Carla could do the babysitting. Eddie tried explaining that he wanted Carla to be able to have some days off, too. After all, it can be exhausting to babysit a very energetic kid all day.

Even if Buck does not understand Eddie’s motivations, he is now sitting in the older male’s living room and waiting for the doorbell to ring, already painting a picture of the babysitter in his head. She probably looks like an evil witch with gray hair and lots of wrinkles on her face, making her seem friendly despite her secretly scaring children by telling them she would eat them. Though as soon as the doorbell rings, Chris starts racing his dad to the door, leaving a very confused Buck behind. “Why did his little buddy seem so excited to see the new babysitter? Why was his little buddy more excited to see his babysitter than he was when Buck came over earlier?? This just feels unfair!” Buck concludes in his head, getting up and walking to the kitchen to grab himself a drink. From his place he can hear the excited yells from Chris, a small smile immediately creeping on his face though dropping almost instantly when he remembers that he wasn’t the one making Chris that happy.

After taking another deep breath, he makes his way over to the living room very steadily, ready to assess you. However, as soon as he lays eyes on you, he chokes up and trips over his own feet, crashing into the small table on the side and dropping his glass. Startled by the sound, Chris, Eddie and you turn around to face him, you immediately jumping up and helping the young firefighter with the broken glass. “You didn’t tell me that I have to babysit two kids, Eds” you state, earning laughter from Chris and Eddie and an embarrassed look from Buck. “You must be Buck, right? Chris has told me a lot about you” you tell the embarrassed man, who is still in shock from seeing your beauty up close. Chuckling softly, you grab the shards of broken glass from his hands before heading to the kitchen to get a towel and throw the shards away.

“So, what do you think?” Eddie asks Buck softly while you are out of the room, however, he does not get a response as Buck simply continues staring at the spot you were sitting a moment ago. Chris slowly gets up and hugs Buck, thinking that the firefighter got hurt when he tripped, though Eddie quickly understood what was going on and shakes his head. Seems like Buck 1.0 still existed somewhere in his younger friend, despite everyone telling him that Buck was no longer like that. Perhaps he should talk to Maddie about this, needing someone’s opinion, that actually knew Buck as well as he did. Though before he has the chance to excuse himself, you are back in the living room and making your way over to Chris. “Ready for a fun day, Chris?” you ask him with a smile playing on your lips to which Chris eagerly nods and allows you to pick him up. “I will bring him home at 8 tonight, alright Eds?” you state, turning to look at the older male. “Yeah, 8 sounds perfect. I will see you tonight.” He replies, smiling at you and walking over to press a kiss goodbye onto Chris’s forehead.

As soon as you and Chris are gone, he gets another cup of water and pours it over Buck’s head, successfully pulling him out of his trance. “Do not even think about sleeping with Y/N, Evan.” He states lowly, giving the younger firefighter a glare while Buck just looks up at him sheepishly. “In my defense, you forgot to mention that the new babysitter was smoking hot. A warning would have been nice.” He grumbles as he shakes his head, sending water droplets flying everywhere before getting up and dropping on to the couch with a small groan. The response left Eddie frowning, sure, he was aware that you were attractive and he would be lying if he said that he wasn’t attracted to you, especially after seeing how much Chris adores you. However, that did not lessen the blow of Buck’s blunt response. Perhaps that was why he was fearing that Buck 1.0 was back, he didn’t want you to be scared off purely because his best friend was incapable of keeping his dick in his pants. “Just try not to fuck her immediately when you get her alone, please. Chris really likes her.” Eddie nearly begs, deciding it was better that he doesn’t add that he likes you too. Buck sighs and nods, pouting a bit. Though for his little buddy, he would definitely try not to get into her pants. After all, he didn’t want Chris to hate him, especially if it was because he couldn’t control himself around you. However, this wasn’t going to stop him from teasing Eddie by flirting with you, because despite the older man trying to hide it, he could tell that Eddie had a thing for you as well.

8 comes quicker than the two males expect and they are slightly startled from their cuddled position when they hear the door opening. Glancing out into the hallway, they spot you carrying a sleeping Chris into his room, unknowingly causing both of the males to smile. Soon enough, you walk into the living room and whisper “he is asleep now and probably won’t be waking up any time soon. We had a lot of fun” before grabbing your bag that you placed on the table in the hallway on your way in. It was clear that you were about to leave, so Buck jumps up and grabs your hand, putting on his best kicked puppy expression. “Why don’t you stay for a bit longer? We have some wine in the fridge and I will drop you off at your place later, I wouldn’t feel right letting a pretty lady like yourself be outside all by yourself.” He states softly, pouting a bit in hopes that it would convince you to stay. You glance between him and his friend, who was eagerly nodding, before sighing and setting down your bag. “Fine, I’ll stay for a bit. But only if you have anything to eat that isn’t almost pure sugar.” You agree, your request causing the older male to jump into motion and quickly rushing into the kitchen to put a pizza in the oven for you. Meanwhile, Buck leads you back to the couch, not letting go of your hand until you pull it away.

Somehow you end up being squished between the two men, a glass of wine in your hand and the pizza on the table. After some small arguing, they decided to just let you choose the movie, so now they had to suffer through one of your favorite horror movies. While you sit there not even flinching, Buck is absolutely terrified and unsure whether he should feel impressed by the fact that you do not mind horror movies or scared that you clearly do not cringe at the big amounts of blood spattering all over the screen. On the other side, Eddie has managed to wrap his arm around your shoulder, with the excuse that he feels safer if he knows that you and Buck are safe and within his reach. He is definitely impressed by your ability to keep a straight face at the movie, though definitely not as surprised as Buck, especially because he knew about your background.

Soon enough the first movie is finished, then a second one, then a third and the next thing you know, you wake up to the smell of bacon in a bed that was most certainly not yours. Looking down at yourself, you realize that the shirt you are wearing is also not yours, leaving you confused for a moment because you do not recall getting changed the previous night. Sighing, you quickly come to the conclusion that one of the two men must have changed you. Rubbing the sleep out of your eyes, you make your way into the kitchen, where you are greeted by the sight of a small family breakfast with Buck, Eddie and Chris. Deep inside your heart, you wish to wake up to that small family every morning, though that wish quickly gets locked up and hidden from the world as you make your way to the coffee machine to get a cup. Chris is the first of the three to react to your presence, calling out your nickname before grinning brightly at you. “Good morning, little one. Did you help make breakfast?” You ask, sitting down on the counter to smile at the nodding boy. “Yeah!! Daddy gave me instructions!” He explains with an excited tone before glancing at the clock and frowning. “Can you convince dad to let me stay at home today?” He asks you with a hushed tone, causing you to giggle and shake your head, whispering back “sorry, but I am sure that the captain would not enjoy you missing your big day in school. Or how else is your group supposed to present the fantastic poem you wrote?”. Chris tilts his head before thinking for a moment. “Fair after school?” he tries to negotiate, causing you to giggle again before nodding. “Sure thing, buddy. Now go brush your teeth and I will drive you to school, okay?” “Okay, mommy!” Chris replies before rushing off to brush his teeth, leaving an uncomfortable silence behind as his words sink into all of you.

Eddie and Buck are watching your interaction with Chris, the sound of your giggles making the smile without realizing it. Surely, you must have noticed that they changed you into something more comfortable last night after you had fallen asleep on Eddie’s chest. However, it just felt natural to the two males to take care of you and make you breakfast, Chris being a bit help. Though when Chris calls you mommy, they freeze and Buck even chokes on his piece of the pancake. They certainly did not expect that Chris was that fond of you, though Eddie is slightly less surprised than Buck, thinking about the countless times that Chris had asked for you to come over. Still, the sudden name caused his movement to halt as well, his brain going haywire, trying to figure out if Chris had somehow found out about his attraction for you and that is why he felt so comfortable with calling you mommy. Or perhaps it was simply because the men had decided to pull one of Eddie’s shirt on you yesterday and that is what made it seem like you two were dating. Or was it the couple of times he had invited you out with Chris and him for dinner? His train of thought is quickly broken though, when Chris appears in the kitchen and says goodbye to the two men, calling Buck dad and Eddie daddy before rushing off to your car. Once again you three are left alone in the kitchen, the silence deafening. “Drive safely, okay?” Buck manages to mutter out, making you nod. Glancing between the two men, you decide to peck their cheeks before rushing out after Chris, grabbing your bag in the process to drive him to the school.

When you return to Eddie’s house, you can already hear the yelling from the outside. Slowly making your way into the house, you can finally understand what the two were arguing about. You. From what you gathered, Eddie was upset with Buck for flirting with you while Buck was countering that obviously Eddie was too chicken to do something about his feelings for you. Avoiding nearly being hit by a vase that comes flying your way, you clear your throat causing the fight to die down and both men to turn to you. “I- uh…” Eddie starts, though you raise your hand to silence him before grabbing the stuff you had left on the couch. “Once you two grow up and handle this like actual adults, then you can call me.” You state before walking out of the house and slamming the door shut behind you, leaving the two men dumbfounded and broken.

Two months. It takes two months of Chris sulking, Bobby scolding them and roughly 5 meetings with Maddie before they can finally face each other again. Yet whenever they stare at your number, they chicken out, too afraid to call you. You had been right, they were acting like two children throwing tantrums, build on the unspoken feelings between them. But now that they were dating steadily and currently curled up together on the couch, they finally decide to call you up. However, much to their distaste, a man answers your phone and for a moment they believe they lost any chance with you, if there even was one to begin with. “Hello? Are you still there?” The man on the phone asks, causing Eddie to nod and reply with a small “yeah”. A hum is heard from the other side of the line before they hear “what do you want from my sister?”. Never in their life did the duo think that hearing such a question would be such a relief. Buck reacts quicker than Eddie and explains the situation, what has happened and why they were calling now. Another hum is audible before some commotion can be heard and then they hear your voice, a sense of happiness washing over them. For whatever reason, you actually agree to meet with them after your work, giving them the address of your workplace.

Your shift ends in 10 minutes when Buck and Eddie walk into the club where you were working, quickly spotting you behind the bar, deciding that your outfit was definitely too short for their liking. Holding on to Eddie’s hand tightly, Buck weasels his way through the crowd and stops right before you at the bar, smiling softly as you smile back. Though he can’t help but look you over once more, the small shirt definitely compliments your chest yet does not leave a lot to the imagination and your shorts are barely allowed to be titled shorts by how short they are. Eddie notices what the younger firefighter is doing and quickly elbows his ribs, earning a grunt and a displeased look from the other before smiling at you. “Three of your favorites, nena.” Eddie yells over the music to you and watches as you get to work, mixing three shot glasses filled with some purpelish looking liquor before sliding them over to him. “What would you like, Evan?” You ask softly before adding “a blowjob?” with a smirk, causing the young male to choke on his own spit, believing he did not hear you correctly. “I am talking about the drink, dumbass.” You explain with a small laugh, preparing one before setting it down before Buck, who still looks like a puppy which just got caught destroying your favorite pair of shoes. “T-Thanks,” he finally mutters out, grabbing the drink and mentally kicking himself for sounding like a schoolgirl that was talking to her first crush. You three fall into an easy conversation, barely paying attention to the time, not noticing that your shift was over until your coworker walks up behind you and tells you to start leaving. You nod and lead the two firefighters to the back room that usually only employees are allowed to enter before grabbing a shirt from your bag and pulling it on before looking at the two men. “Before you ask, yes, it is your shirt, Eds. It is just very comfy.” You state, grabbing the rest of your belongings before smiling at the boys and leading them out of the back door.

A warm ball of cuddles and limbs, that is how you would describe the three of you on Eddie’s bed right now. After you left your workplace, the boys started bombarding you with questions and you answered them all honestly, about how you chose this job in hopes that you would forget the two men that made your days so much brighter, about how you missed Chris and a bunch of other things that they wanted to know. On the way back to Eddie’s place, they stopped at some restaurant that was still open and grabbed the food. Once you were all at his place, you ate and then proceeded to talk about the three of you, about the feelings the duo had for each other and for you and how they wished for you to be a part of the small family they had created. First you jokingly denied them, teasing them that you did not have any feelings for them, but after seeing the hurt flash on their faces, you quickly explained how you returned their feelings and that you missed them a lot within the past two months, even if Carla had kept you up to date with their wellbeing. So now you were all cuddling and just enjoying the presence, because even if tomorrow was not given, if tomorrow everything could fall apart, right now you three were a happy family and you would not change that for anything in this world.

Chris’s reaction the next morning when he walks into the kitchen and sees you sitting on the counter, sipping your coffee while Buck is standing between your legs is priceless. You did not know that the kid could even hit such a high note, but he manages to do so when he screams your name and scrambles over to you, pouting at Buck standing in his way. That was most definitely not what he had in his mind when his dad told him that there was a surprise waiting for him in the kitchen. Though you quickly push Buck to the side, earning a whine from the male about how mean you are, before jumping off the counter and hugging Chris tightly, excited to spend the rest of your mornings with those three.