#we like numbers and patterns
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When I finished Assassin's Creed: Odyssey, I realised it was my 22nd platinum trophy. I had planned on finally earning the platinum trophy for Dragon Age: Inquisition this summer. But wouldn't it be nice, I thought, if it was the 25th?
In 2018, my friend sold me his PS4 after upgrading to a Pro himself. He knew I was interested in gaming and so I didn't have to think twice. He sold it to me for £80 and threw in Dragon Age: Inquisition for good measure. So I'd have something to play. My very first Playstation trophy was The Wrath of Heaven - by finishing the prologue of the game.
For a couple of years now, I've had only one trophy left to earn - beat the game on Nightmare difficulty. I've been postponing it, not for fear of failing at it, but for fear of the finality it seems to imply. I will, of course, still be able to play the game, but I won't be able to earn any trophies for it any more. A sad thought.
#dragon age#dragon age inquisition#playstation#playstation trophies#bioware#I told my friend who I've written about before about being possibly autistic and she was like “ha yeah I thought so” and she said#it's a neurodivergent thing#we like numbers and patterns#and yeah yeah I do#it's nice on the brain#calm down dalish I've got a referral to get evaluated haha#assassin's creed#assassin's creed odyssey#ubisoft#gaming#currently going back into an old safe of assassin's creed syndicate#and the second game I'll try to platinum might be uncharted 1#stay tuned#a story every day#23 July#2024
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this has been a roller coaster of a design journey but finally I can present you: class swap artificer!adaine and rogue!fabian
#dimension 20#fantasy high#fhfy#fhsy#fhjy#fabian seacaster#adaine abernant#fh class quangle#goodbye... goodbye hoodie kid adaine..... we have mecha pilot/power armor adaine instead#I couldnt really land how she'd get a hoodie reliably in freshman year given the abernants pattern of confiscating shit from her#so I kinda switched gear and dug a bit into a like sukeban aesthetics instead. and since shes with the AV club I like the idea of#like a radio coord thing for her. hence the suspenders#I fully admit the sukeban thing is influenced by the hacker woman in ghostwire tokyo who I have a small crush on#she's SO cool. too bad about a number of things with that game#the jacket of useful things is a racer jacket this time bc Im predictable like that#her ensemble in junior year is her tank top + overall it might not be clear enough in the pic...#just had the thought ''man I should do turnarounds for all of them'' and immediately had to slap myself out of it#anyways uh! fabian I have inflicted with my favourite thing to do to characters who like to stealth or fly under the radar#which is Bright Extremely Noticeable Jacket That Hides Your Hands#fabian's ghost motif has led me to the famous horror movie trope of silhouette with iconic jacket from afar#(see Sinister and Alice Sweet Alice)#and I love to imagine him hanging the coat up somewhere and opponents aiming there instead of at him#but also the raincoat is specifically modeled after the yellow fisherman's raincoat#and. that led to. me thinking abt fabian pulling riz up at that cliff with a net instead of the battle sheet lmao#so his junior year design is fully Fishing. which is so fucking funny it has obliterated all other possibilities from my brain#ranger flavour: captain ahab#I still debate making him carry around an actual fishing rod tbh. right now Im giving him a rifle grappling hook thing#gods. I just think High School Classmate Suddenly Gets Way Too Into Fishing is the funniest fucking thing that can happen#thank you fabian. thank you for giving me this. love you buddy#still blanking on kristen but! throughout this whole storm here I've realised I just need to fuck around
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I've been picking mostly only the essential flirt options with lucanis in the romance so far (I've personally found the dynamic much more natural and mutual when you do that, more like forming a solid friendship slowly and inevitably becoming something else and less like you keep pushing on him and getting little back b/c he seemingly just gets overwhelmed and goes into freeze instead), and I think rye is a pretty hard person to read at the best of times even though he's been Down Real Bad from pretty early on and their chemistry as people is naturally really good. so the way the almost-kiss plays out in this playthrough feels a lot like it has the added layer of lucanis realizing that no but for sure rook is flirting and not just being kind or a good friend* it IS actually happening it's not just wishful/fearful thinking!!! and then uh. maybe going a bit too hard a bit too fast in all the excitement at that revelation haha
*in lucanis' defense he has seemingly literally never had a friend who wasn't his cousin-brother before, under those circumstances I suppose some confusion is extremely natural if not outright expected lmao
#meanwhile rook is kicking himself for being unprofessional b/c he WAS getting something important from spite there#and also lucanis had like. just woken up was that cool of me. should I have told him. should I have slowed that down???#watcher's duty crashing into watcher's longing blues ensues#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#lucanis dellamorte#oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar#rook x lucanis#rookanis#I think I might have done something hilarious and a little wonderful to the lucanis romance#by making a rook who's even slower to romance than he is fhskjfhsa#even here I was straight up like 'oh this is a little early for this don't you think' on rye's behalf (it's not we have to be mid-game)#imagine how he'd fare in some of the other romances you'd just bowl him over. davrin might kill him#(and also they would kill each other for unrelated reasons during it but that's another matter (affectionate I love my lads))#lucanis has been squinting at rook in stolen moments ever since the café scene like '...did I imagine that vibe. surely not right.#i'm pretty sure. but am I. I do know he likes me. but DOES he like like me or is that just what I want it to be. this is very embarrassing#for everyone involved' (it is)#davrin has had both their numbers the entire time tho. and been extremely annoyed but professional about it#he knew from the moment these two chucklefucks showed up in his recruitment mission. and has been an adult about it. mostly#even when they've made it real hard ('so I'm gonna go ahead and assume you're not letting the abomination serial killer run around#just because you're transparently excruciatingly sweet on him. right. RIGHT??')#I have accidentally given lucanis a pattern of falling for people who keep covered neck to toe at all times#but like not to be a metaphor for their emotional intimacy issues or anything haha. imagine.#I'm making my own heart so tender by imagining lucanis struggling to get rye out of his (many-layered) robes during the romance scene#and both of them laughing right from the soul in relief and delight at each other b/c like 'how could I kill a god only to be bested#by nevarran fashion. also how in the maker's name do you get dressed so quickly in the mornings this is intense'#'same way one does anything else lots of practice and a can-do attitude'/'well I'll just have to put in the practice then'#and they just hug for a while. *head in my hands* yeah okay I can be normal. I can be normal about this.
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Jack Marsh (2005), Friendship Otherwise - Toward a Levinasian Description of Personal Friendship
#saw carnation lily lily rose by john singer seargent irl today. it was basically at my doorstep all along idk why i never went to see it#it was placed at a corner in the gallery. me and my friend sat down and sketched the paintings of beautiful naked people quite badly. paper#provided by tate britain. she told me about how she couldnt look her boyfriend in the face after a harrowing film about war. when i say the#interview was informal i mean the person who was supposed to be my boss told me let me get you a cider and then he said after#50 years of life he knows people are inherently good and it only takes a little bit of kindness to save this world. he said he tricked#his wife into keeping the baby and then he said he quit his job at a US bank to help people find meaning and in it#he would have liked to find meaning. instead he started climbing with his friends. he said he chews his cigarettes because its a habit from#when he had to hide things from people. the entire time i felt uncomfortable and incredibly enlightened. this is my friends mentor. she has#his pattern of pauses and expletive and penchant for ends-justify-means attitude. i do think im not very clever#but maybe one day i will love you enough to make up for it. i wrote code i dont understand staring at the final error i thought about how#we both thought of how when we're too old to remember the voices of our friends we would like to stand in the pathway of the LHC beam pipe#cut it open and eat light in the freezing cold vacuum (kills you long before radiation will) the invisible puncture wound unfolding dna#back to the start larger than you ever were. you go to heaven once youve been to hell. my friend is in my bed#practicing calculations of eigenvectors by hand and she is uninterested in a visual proof you are uninterested in incompetence#we catch a train this is your kind of burden you tragic hero wincing at that word you only do this because you have to. im the only one#who can. i am a coward in this for the fucking poetry. the visual proofs. the pretty numbers. an architect who was horrible at maths wanted#to be a philosopher and accidentally ended up neck in deep in 70th Error On Visual Studio Code i want to kiss your eyes before we say#goodbye we both know there is no love in the way there should be. I still have your dress in my wardrobe. i hope you make art.#you think im alright head-wise i think you fucking hate me i think ill never be so clever you want me to tell you my idea?#if you wanted more of this world i would have liked to kiss you harder. we cant both be like this. im sorry i cant be with you the whole wa#the love is gone if you have to ask it. his breath catches his eyes feel stiff it is -1.9 kelvin he is near the beam pipe i miss holding#his hand i miss her singing voice i miss his hair and i found the antonym of pain thank you for carrying me home.
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autistic coded men who have orange cats my beloved
#star trek tng#star trek#star trek data#garfield#garfield jon#jon arbuckle#jetpack joyride#professor brains#jetpack joyride 2#this is my type. weird silly or otherwise quirky guys who have orange cats#brains being autistic is more just a headcanon i have rather than deliberate coding#but he's been shown to have a few autism-like behaviours and traits across the shorts and jetpack joyride 2#it's kinda stereotypical but he's more of a logical simple thinker and he finds strings of numbers to be easier to remember than names#which i find to be interesting! he just has different thinking patterns from what i've seen in neurotypicals. and it's like.#it's the autism radar. i can always tell when a fictional character seems to be Not Neurotypical because holy shit they act like me-#-or another autistic person i know!#also all these characters are like. different facets of autism and i think that's so interesting#on the left we have highly logical direct and ''idk what to do with my face or my hands help'' sherlock spin autism#and then there's slightly unhinged dorky possible ADHD combo and complete lack of social skills autism#and finally there's the evil autism#and i love all three of them <3#i just realised they're also all sitting in big comfy chairs!#jon's armchair looks so comfy though. like i really wanna sit in there#it's probably slightly dirty and most definitely scratched up by garfield but my god that's what make it more homely and comfy#i wonder how many armchairs jon has gotten over the years. i should count all the instances of him having a differently coloured armchair#anyway yeah. autistic cat dads my beloved <3
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poisoned book investigation update: i reached the part of queen margot that deals with the poisoned book and this only made me more convinced that this is indeed. what happened. back in 2010. because 1) i know my mother well and therefore know she would kin catherine de' medici (yes yes i know. i know. what can i say. she's insane. it's a family tradition) 2) in the novel, the book was poisoned by catherine herself (she conceived and carried out both the scheme and the execution herself), and meant to kill her political enemy and son-in-law (but ended up poisoning (and killing) her own son). the exact method of course would be unsuitable for my own mother to imitate as it is the exact same method used in the name of the rose (possibly where umberto eco got the inspiration from, actually?), therefore as i mentioned earlier impossible to recreate with the kind of paper my copy of the three musketeers was printed on. but. yeah. not that i had many doubts at this point anymore but this is really. convincing evidence. psychologically speaking.
like for the. catherine de' medici kin part:
my mother always loved her as a historical figure. we did visit a lot of historical castles and museums and all when i was a kid and she always had a marked preference for 1) the renaissance era and history 2) the medici family 3) catherine de' medici specifically. she admired her cunning and force of spirit and ambition and influence. #1 girlboss supporter (she did not support the. you know. religious massacres tho. she didn't think catherine was a great figure to emulate or whatever. but she admired her nonetheless)
as i've mentioned before, my mother has always been a wannabe italian. she's especially fond of the italian renaissance and in particular florence and its history. in the novel the fact catherine de' medici is florentine is a key part of her characterization
physically there seems to be a similarity? dumas doesn't actually describe his characters' appearance much, but from the few elements we get, it seems to fit (= pale, grey(?) eyes with a cold and cunning look, short and stout but pretty, white hands (that she takes great care of), short and stout (fat?) stature in general, blonde hair, small lips, imposing presence that makes other people immediately fall in line & scares them (she was very proud of that)). it's not much but knowing her she would jump to conclusions and want to really. Be Like Her
sorry i know how this sounds i KNOW you don't have to believe me but i swear this is all true. inherited insanity and all that. the true Drow Ass Family
#sorry it still hasn't fully. been. processed i think.#i mean at some point how. do you let that sink in. 'that' being 'my mother tried to poison me in a narratively-meaningful way when i was 11#the poisoned book saga#<- tag if you don't understand what the fuck i'm talking about and want to read up on the whole thing.#i do wonder how much time she spent planning and all like. 10 years old me listening intently to her lectures about catherine de' medici#in Blois castle and all the Loire castles (we visited them all over the course of summer 2008 i think). like <- clueless#she did always enjoy putting on a show and scattering tragic irony and double entendres and foreshadowing elements........#thank you mother for trying so bad to kill me that you inadvertently ended up making me become your number one nightmare: a poet.#... just like catherine de' medici tried to kill henri de navarre to prevent him from becoming the king despite The ProphecyTM#only to inadvertently kill her own son and therefore making him become the king Earlier Than Anticipated.#IT'S FUN HOW IT WORKS ISNT IT. THE NARRATIVE MOTHER. THE NARRATIVE!#saying that because i am not completely insane (yet) and the whole. fighting against a prophecy thing? is something that they did For Real#which i got from their OWN ADMISSION when i was 17. btw. not something i made up or anything. they literally are like that.#i inherited the Perception Of The Narrative And Fate And Its Patterns And Cycles. as a family curse. this is very much a literal&cold fact.#anyway.
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you ever think about how pretty much the only reason we use base10 is because we have 10 fingers and if everyone had 6 fingers on each hand we'd use base12 and never even think a thing of it and also math would be pretty much better in every way?
#i think for this september's existential crisis i'm gonna become a base12 truther#and bc i know everyone on this website is math illiterate so to clarify:#the way base12 works is that we have a few extra digits between 9 and 10#so to count we go:#0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 X Y#so X = 10 and Y = 11#then '10' = 12#so the next step of counting goes:#10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 1X 1Y#(i know this looks insane to you but the only reason for that is because you are used to base 10 i promise this makes sense#if you throw away everything you know and come at it with fresh eyes)#so anyways in this case '11' = 13. '19' = 21. 1X = 22. 1Y = 23#and '20' = 24#bc the tens column is not the tens column it's actually the twelves column#so each [number] in the second column does not mean 'add [this many] 10s to this' it means 'add [this many] 12s to this'#and this would not be tricky at higher numbers bc in base12 twelve is not counted as 'ten and two' it's just its own thing#in fact it would be harder to multiply by tens bc 10 would be the equivalent of like. 8 here.#it's not its own thing (ten) it's actually 'twelve minus two'#to count by tens goes '0 Y 18 26 34 42 50' and '50' is of course 10x6 in this case so it equals 60 in base10#not hard#there's a pattern to it.#but it's not as easy as counting by 12s#anyways we already have base12 systems and i like them they are very easy to divide#it's only harder than base10 bc arabic numerals are base10 so it's harder to depict base12 logically in a base10 system#hours are base 12. inches to feet are base 12#anyways this post is legally classified as scifi and/or speculative fiction#or. fuck. it's not even fictional#this is how math would work in a different system#sci-nonfi#speculative nonfiction
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doing long diviison for fun will have people asking "what the fuvk is wronw with uou" and well cant a guy havea little numbers. my numbers hobby. a special long division treat for me
#.pdf#rd#bored earlier started doing long division on paper for fun ended up calculating answer to like 28 decimal places before it started to repeat#used to do this in middle school math class i was too shy to get up and borrow one of the fancy calculators so whenever we had to do square-#-roots and shit i wouldjust fucking guess and divide into the thing and if i was wrong id guess lower/higher and just keep doing tjat#until i was within the decimal place we were supposed to be rounding to 👍#just a little Lore for you all. btw im NOT good at math not trying to sound smart about this. i just really really like patterns and-#-the process of breaking numbers down into smaller and smaller pieces 👍 also seeing how many decimal places before it terminates/repeats#all other math is evil and kills me long division is the only math thing i will ever do just for fun
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i am genuinely so crazyyyy about lbruuuuu.... like Genuinely Genuinely. its pretty bad guise
#like. im crazy about the.m#unfortunately ive been touched by autism and therefore the pattern seeking. they are so dirkjake#and also so me nand my husband <3#its kind of freaky actually#my husband and kabru both have ptsd overthinking masking disease. he said he didnt like kabru (anime only) and i told him about those trait#and he was like is he me. is that why i dont like him. and i was like LOL#he was ilke i dont like that he says what he needs to get what he wants... and i was like sir we literally just talked about how bad your#Fake Conflict Avoidant has gotten bro dont even play#im laios ofc.... ofc... not only is our autism like. similar in presentation. but also the whole never fitting in#and getting told off by a friend granted i wasnt told she always hated me but i was told about how annoying i am and on another occasion#how unreliable i am so LOLLLL that entireeeee scene seriously wrenched my soul#anyway im gonna commit egregious acts against myself to atone for this#alsoooooohis relationship with falin... is really relatable..#now this may sound harsh against laios but im his number one fan i will defend him to death but...#he left his struggling sister to avoid his own pain and didnt reconnect with her for years#like. Yeah. wow. i will say i was much more cruel to my sibling than laios ever was to falin lol he was just kind of a normal brotherly ass#and ofc he was a kid when he ran from home! and i was a kid when i had severe unmanaged adhd (with tism) and had 0 hold on my emotions#and then i withdrew from my sibling once i got on antidepressants lol#it was really difficult to deal with the guilt of having mistreated them to the extent i did while also acknowledging i was failed by our#adults its hard figuring out what exactly youre sorry for#anyways#i love oversharing here. do you guys like it. does anyone ever read these rants#DM
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The lack of consideration for how things layer in the dav outfits is killing me tbh. That and the complete disinterest in cultural fashion beyond things like "the qunari use ropes right" type shit
#girlbob.txt#da#i was talking with my housemate how they could've like#expanded the rope and knots thing so that the people of the qun#believe certain numbers have certain meanings. so you tie certain knot numbers/patterns for certain things#like 3 and 7 being considered lucky in the usa#and i think it's 4 sounds like the word for death in some east asian languages?#chinese and japanese iirc idk about others sorry#but they could've added a very interesting element there#instead it's just. giant ropes like 'hey remember the antaam sar? we remember it :) this isn't that. it's worse.'#'worse' it's more covered and arguably less orientalist but is lacking in personality or design imo
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thinking more thoughts!!
Kiley time-
I uh- kind of poured all my chaotic energy into her, and separated her from the rest of the npc cast? Otherwise the dialogue would get totally fucked, and my ‘I need to hit this story with a drama nuke’ desire would cause trouble.
So she’s uhhh off on her adventure of a different genre. (But stuff she does Will affect things... dun dun dunnnn) but dude Wow she would be so irritated by Jun. Good thing we’re going to Sanctuary to leave them and take Preston.... OR THAT IS WHAT I WOULD SAY if she didn’t want to be anywhere near the vault!! We’re going somewhere else, babeyyyyy! Maybe talking with him and Murphy would bring some understanding (is what I would say if I were doing big character development in the beginning but we’re not!!) Shoving my desire for conflict into this.
#also I’ve gotten into rain world! so we may see some influence#...thinking of. the rot. and throwing it into jer’s world#what huh who said that#we already had the idea of giant salamanders so that might inspire me to draw them more!#I wonder since towns are more developed in this au there’s also more education? and people are a bit more mindful of the environment? maybe#oh but kiley would definitely agree with that guy who said baseball was a blood sport. COMMIT TO THE BIT#also I broke a nail :( not touching skin but just fucking up the edge. aughhhh#WAIT unrelated I was wondering. sandpaper. does that exist?? sanding belts?? could you sand sharp edges on your armor??#also I was thinking... well alread though of but still. fabrics. we have sheep (and also impostor sheep. huh who said that) so we have WOOL#so people must be making cool new clothes and fashions. maybe going back to that idea of- if you have more/colourful fabric you’re cooler?#jer has a little patterned poncho and I think kiley would want a cloak with jagged edges! colour? .... I will think on it.#cool points vs camouflage vs character desires#hrhhh also good thing preston is. desperate. well good for my desire for horrible character conflict anyway HAHA-#and you know what maybe preston should talk to people more and buy something cool at a shop- variety is the spice of life#hmmm I need to look at the workshop benches again#hmmmmhhhhhh maybe we could get preston into adventuring and killing raiders. as a way to get money for food n shelter for the crew#preston’s traveling group is pretty big. ...what have they been eating?#oh and then that would spread good rumors about the minutemen!#little wastrels#ALSO it’s autumn so they better find a place to stay before winter. thinking on... animal seasons also- I imagine deathclaws hibernate#and wake up in the spring like frogs. don’t @ me about it ok#do mole rats hibernate?#do people need to store food for the winter? is there such thing as charity donations in fallout?#... do I have a winter exclusive animal I can’t remember#hm. Anyways Kiley’s thinkin strength in numbers y’know (but thennnn jun and murphy can’t fight really)#STURGES#you know what I said let’s make him take the power armor. mr mechanic would know how to use it best no?#hmm I’m sure preston has useful info on the wastes and settlement locations#she’ll stick around till there’s nothing useful left/they get into a very very bad argument#but again WHAT WERE THEY EATING.
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So ive been teaching a doll to play poker, both for a socializing skill and social engineering practice. And WELL, it turns out being extremely low emotivity and low emotions makes one phenomenally good at bluffing and hyper-vigilance makes one okay-ish at reading people so. Yah. Combat dolls good at poker its what im learning here
#we gave it like 500 tokens to start#everyone else had like 5k#both because its learning so started small#and also cause you cant like#like let a combat doll be treated fairly you know#its at 3.5k now#its kicking our asses#probably helps its very good at numbers and patterns#so its rather good at telling what a good hand is
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I have some kind of weird evil wizard curse on me where I feel deeply sad and uniquely horrible when my beloved bestie roommate is home but feel Normal and Emotionally Regulated when theyre out like literally what is wrong with me good GOD get that girl some therapy !!!!
#sorry trying this thing where i speak the thoughts that haunt me and build up in my head as 'unspeakable' anxieties to weaken their power#good thing no one can see this!!!#anyways i want to reinterate that i love my bestie so much and i love BEING with them#but when theyre home and we're not actively hanging out and sometimes even when we ARE i get. like this#i dont understand it#not to be all emo mcdarkness or whatever but i really feel so much more lonely when im around people than when im alone#whats up w that??#like idk is it just a matter of me being jealous that my bestie spends more time with their partner than with me?#or am i jealous bc i dont HAVE a partner like that who is always there for me and considers me their number 1#OR am i in love with my bestie and unable to admit it to myself???#or am i just autistic and having a meltdown every time i socialize with people and realize i am not like them#and dont think i will ever have the emotional intelligence to have a healthy adult relationship like they do#and it drives me fucking crazy with grief??#vs when im alone im like. not even a person anymore and dont need to be seen i can simply exist and do puzzles and listen to podcast#????#no but fr this has been a major issue for a long time now and I'm only recently starting to uncover the patterns in my sadness#and im legitimately so scared im going to reach a point where i need to move out on my own and have more control over when i see my bestie#just to get a handle on this insane mood fluctuations that i truly dont understand#and i dont even know how i would begin to broach that topic with them#bc we have promised each other so many times we would always live together#please god let saying this all out loud make it easier to bear 🙏
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hgs brainrot has returned due to tbosas .. speaking of hgs here’s an ask abt the hgs au: if things were totally different, and Wilbur were to be a 12 victor, what do you think a possible mentor-tribute dynamic would look like between him & Niki? I feel like it would be similar to Snow & Lucy in the way that he’s just going out of his way to cheat n help her
anon u have in fact struck jackpot because this is a concept i was spinning some thoughts abt before bee mentioned avoxes and we went OOOOH at that!!! so yes i have considered rainduo as a mentor-tribute dynamic and would love to talk about that concept too :]
so for this concept i think wilbur and niki would be close friends throughout childhood from 12, and then in their teens wilbur is reaped and, well, no one has particularly high hopes (he's a writer and a musician at heart, not a fighter) but through sheer trickery and dumb luck, he makes it to the end of the games. wilbur pulled some pretty fucked up tricks to win - when you can't use brute force, you have to use your brain - and partly due to the trauma of the games, partly due to his shame and survivor's guilt, he sinks into the capitol and relishes a new life there as a socialite. to him, the old wilbur died in the games and the new one has taken his place - to niki, and to his other friends in 12, whatever the games did to him made him into every vapid heartless capitol victor there is.
or. niki has her doubts. they all saw how horrible the games were, but surely there is some part of him left, some part that's hurting, even if it's buried deep?
anyway.
like og spin of the au, niki is reaped and this sucks - this time she does expect wilbur as her mentor on the train, and she expects some kind of warm welcome (maybe even an apology for leaving them so suddenly and silently? an explanation?) but she gets jack shit. wilbur is jaded and cruel and unrecognisable and niki entirely hates it. this is the part where i REALLY WISH we got some time of those two beefing with each other directly in canon (or at least interactions while niki was So Mad at him) but it's okay we fly blind. niki feels abandoned, lonely, thrown off of her kilter - she expected an ally in this place, but she doesn't recognise the person wilbur has become. she doesn't recognise his shallowness (...much), his ruthless advice for the arena, the way he doesn't seem to care for anything. she's scared and now she's lonely and it pisses her off - their mentorship is fraught. here are some thoughts from discord on that:
i tend to think of niki as a bit naïve before l'manberg or even doomsday - i think this is an au where this streak would come out real strong, and niki is stubborn that she can get through the games without losing herself. stubborn that she can stop things, that she can protect people. i don't think wilbur is cold enough (or, really, can bear to say aloud) to say that her odds in the arena are slim enough as it is, but he definitely tells her that she's making enemies and that her odds of survival dwindle with the more trouble she causes.
beyond that... hm. niki's trust in wilbur is almost unshakeable until nov 16, even when she outright says she doesn't recognise him anymore. i think she'd reluctantly listen re: don't burn down any buildings, but she would grow bolder each day she had to stay in the capitol. she gets more honest in front of the cameras. she makes more friends in training, and not the ones wilbur recommends. she throws barbs at him every time he makes one of those callous, cold-hearted comments about other tributes and rankings and odds. and besides, she's going in the arena this time, not him. she needs to practice her bravery.
it's like... she hasn't given up on him. she thinks the old wilbur is in there somewhere. (she is wrong. that is not how trauma works.) but she won't hold her tongue just because she
for extra angst points could definitely play up the whole 'feeling abandoned' angle between them as niki goes into the arena - probably due to how fraught their friendship gets leading up to the games. niki wants to focus on them and their friendship, wilbur has stringently cut off (almost) everything from 12 and refuses to let her in; he tells her to behave for the cameras, she tells him she never will. i think the last point in that screenshot would also make for a super tasty argument where niki feels wilbur has gone astray, that he's abandoned 12, and that he'll probably do nothing but sit on his ass and watch her die and he can't even bring himself to care about her anymore, can he? just more fodder for the arena. and honestly, i think wilbur would passively agree with most of that - he values niki's opinion, after all, even now, and if she says he's rapidly descending into a lost cause then she must be right. and it's niki, so she will be fine, and he goes to his bedroom that night and tries to pretend he is sleeping perfectly fine instead of feeling paralysed with fear.
okay now onto the games - YES HE SO WOULD. or at least i think he would go out of his way to help. as for cheating - he's a recent victor for 12 and i think he would value tommy (no doubt a link to him... i think they'd be in touch in this au also) too much to risk the punishment falling onto him as well. i get the vibes this is a games closer to 74th than 10th, so there are far fewer opportunities to cheat and the consequences of getting caught are higher. but schmoozing up sponsors? making stupid ass radio interviews or whatever to talk up niki's odds? sharing anecdotes from their childhood - some real, some entirely fabricated - across capitol airwaves to stoke their sympathy? 100%. with less to lose in this au, i think niki would be far less inclined to play nice for the cameras - i hope you starve, she spits at one of them, and wilbur appears on a talkshow two days later as she scrambles for survival in the arena to talk up how she always saved loaves from the bakery for the poorest mothers and children in 12. he borrows and begs and swindles to the point where it feels like cheating. but hey, this new wilbur is capitol-branded. he knows how to play the game.
if anything he probably sinks into the game a little too much. self-preservation is not his forte. probably wracks up a few heavy debts and favours to owe, but those are not priority until niki is out of the arena, alive. as long as she wins, and as long as the family he has isn't in danger, he will manage. wow it would suck if at some point those two goals became impossible to co-achieve. anyway
i kind of see niki's victory in the arena being similar to the one in the main au - if only because planning out an entire games is hard for meee >-< . she walks in bolder and braver for sure, and with a less strategic pick of allies, but they all get picked off and she spends a few weeks so terrified she can barely sleep and then she ruptures some fuel line and sets the arena alight with a fire that burns brighter and more ravenously than it should. but she wins, and she's airlifted out of a filthy, muddy creek she had resigned herself to die in, and wilbur barges his way through as many peacekeepers so that he can actually see her with her burnt skin and hair and unfocused eyes and trust that what was on the screens wasn't a fluke, and that they made it. and then it's just a matter of surviving the after.
i'm sure there are some other random quirks or tidbits i can think of re: this take on a c!rainduo hunger games au but these are my base thoughts!!
#can i just say whatever the hell lucy grey n snow had going on in part 1 made me so berko btw. like congrats ur my means to an end youre my#symbol youre my buddy? should we kiss? i'll get you out of here / don't make me leave these people behind#BRIDGING OFF OF THE TBOSAS DISCUSSION. i think the thing with crainduo (or at least how i like to depict them) is that they care about each#other extremely deeply and value each other... without being each others number one priority at all times.#i don't think niki plays priority with people she cares for like that; see her relationships with like wilbur and eret in lmanberg#even her friendship with and offering ponk a place to stay in her city after manberg even tho manberg hurt her#as for wilbur: his priority is tommy. like always. if it was just him on the line he'd do anything to get niki thru but it's not#asks#hunger games au#they would truly be such a nightmare in this au like. wilbur's self loathing is SO HIGH due to survivors guilt and trauma and mental illnes#he thinks that niki is So Good and Has It Together meanwhile he is So Bad#and is a mess that she cannot possibly rely on him. she can't possibly need him. she can't possibly want him around#<- and this shit is INGRAINED like. it's not even an active thought pattern anymore it is carved into his brain like a groove#and so shes like. do you even care whether i live or die??#of course he does. but this is the capitol. he cant be vulnerable in a way that matters#and that alienates niki further and this rage and heartbreak is building in her with nowhere to go. and in the arena she thinks it erupts#nah uh. i think its AFTER the area when she has to face wilbur again that she would go full screaming meltdown#ANYWAY !! i really like aus where they have this friction esp because i think like.. idk i think sometimes our views of rainduo are too ros#wilbur kind of forgets about niki sometimes because his self hatred is that bad. niki doesnt get wilburs mental illness and takes it both a#a burden/blame AND a direct rejection of her and her friendship#and they hover just outside of each others spaces anxious and angry and almost self flagellating. GOOD FOR THEM !#anyway Yes this did unlock something within me. thanks anon feel free to add on if u had more thoughts esp re: tbosas and such bc i had suc#a good time watching that movie
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so like i want to talk more abt what suicidal means but the problem is "suicidal ideation presents in two general forms, active and passive. the thing most people think of as suicidal is the active version, where the person *actively* desires to be dead and/or is making a plan to get there. the passive form however gets almost no attention in media so many people experiencing it are unaware they are even depressed, much less passively suicidal. some examples: not wanting to experience death but feeling like you wouldn't mind if you didn't wake up tomorrow or just stopped existing; feeling deeply exhausted with just the entire concept of being alive; even feeling like you want to run away, change your name, and start a whole new life; none of these look like suicidal ideation to most people because they don't involve actively doing anything to get from point a to point b, especially the more abstract ones like the start a new life thing - but remember that in order to truly start a whole new life, you have to destroy your current one. it's not suicidal as in wanting to actually DIE die, it's just. wanting something close enough to scratch the itch. but just because you haven't booked the ticket doesn't mean you don't still revisit the 'vacation activities at point b' tab occasionally to daydream, yknow?" is i think very informative and specific, but its also quite long and run on-y so people are v likely to tap out like a third of the way through it, whereas "suicidal doesnt necessarily mean wanting to die" is way shorter and therefore catchier, but is also the kind of nonspecific phrasing that gets you a thousand angry anons about how you said all suicidal people are just pretending they actually want to die or some dumb shit. so it's a fun line to toe
#especially when youre far too lazy to dig up sources however if u google passive suicidal theres a lot of info#pretty front and center altho you will get jumpscared by the size 1000 font suicide hotline number#or maybe you wont but i sure was. why was it so big#in this house we simply post both as part of another hashtag relatable post in the hopes that the two for one bargain#will entice viewers to read the whole thing and go 'wait but /i/ feel like that what do you mean'#and then make a meta joke about it in the tags so the viewers think we're hip and cool#nah but seriously i see ppl not knowing abt this . so much and every time im like !!!!!!! no youre not crazy youre not supposed#to feel like this!!!!#so its one of the things where im like nah idc if im being annoying abt this as long as i hit the one (1) todays lucky 10000 who needs it#this one i dont remember seeing on any articles but id like to propose also that having trouble imagining your future can count too#and like obviously all of these have exceptions right like. ppl can just want to start a whole new life for non suicidal reasons#but if theres a pattern of these things or you find yourself being drawn back to one over and over again thats#when you should start being like ok somethings afoot#like the imagining ur future one you could easily have trouble visualizing things or even just Not Be Especially Imaginative#...or... it could be that deep down you dont feel like you /have/ one so your brain just. steers away from the subject entirely#and ykno. knowing which one it is is usually pretty helpful LOL#anyways. sorry theres no paragraph breaks i could not for the life of me figure out a good spot for them#/suicide#/suicide mention#/suicidal ideation#/depression#/death mention#and of course i think also like a lot of things this is more of a spectrum than a binary like obviously 'run away and#start a new life' is def a bit less active than 'id be ok w it if i didnt wake up tomorrow' but theyre still both on the lassive side#passive*#eugh im rambling now and not even in the slightly contained way the post itself is#im hitting post without rereading for the 40th time otherwise ill remember another tangent so if theres#any errors left my apologies
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made the classic "i need to go grocery shopping ive only got light and mustard left in the fridge" joke today but the person i said it to was like "wait, do u for real have mustard in ur fridge?" so now i am curious
#i know we probably have a higher number of sorts of mustard at home than average bc we live close to a mustard factory#but still i want to know if i am mustard georg or not. tell me abt ur mustard behavioural patterns people!#feel free to reblog ofc#genuinely cant tell if this is the whitest post ive ever made but i feel like its up there#cavetext
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