#we argue more than ever now
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wow after scream sobbing for an hour and a half i might actually miss my exwife
#that shit was not cute i may have had an episode#i feel so numb rn i freaked tf out that was not normal#it aint that hard to make me cry but this was not normal#idr the last time it was this bad that was really fucked up#ill shed tears with a str8 face usually#i screamed into my pillow over & over#& i sobbed for so long#it was dark when i sobbed now its morning#like wtf happened y did i just break like that#like idc that we’ll never b together again its an obvious fact#were too similar now so we collide#neither of us settle neither of us surrender#her husband as in when i was a boy he was soft & malleable#my exwife was my transmom & the meanest one#no shit i internalized her traits#we argue more than ever now
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I am way too invested in Stucky and probably overreacting about the whole poll thing but I find it so gross that OFMD fans (just the ones who have been overly antagonistic, I'm sure most of you guys are just happy and supporting a ship that you like) have been mocking Stucky fans for shipping something that was never made canon because I think that's genuinely what makes Stucky such a beautiful ship. In the face of homophobia, the homophobia of Steve and Bucky's universe and of ours, thousands of people have found love and beauty and have created entire works of literature and enduring quotes and defined an era of media consumption in the face of the queerbaiting epidemic of the 2010's. I PROMISE YOU, you would not have your queer pirate show without the overwhelming love that fandom spaces showed for queer relationships in the 2010's, and particularly without the love that fans have for Steve and Bucky.
#definitely overreacting#but i don't really care#every ofmd fan i've seen over the past few days has just been so fucking stuck up#no i'm really happy your slaveowners got to kiss#but that doesn't negate the absolutely monumental impact that stucky has had on the fandom spaces YOU now inhabit#we created spaces for ourselves when studios refused to listen and that isn't pathetic#a single quote from a stucky poem has had more impact than your show ever will#don't argue because i promise you can't change my mind on this#marvel#mcu#stucky#stevebucky#bucky barnes#steve rogers#catws#captain america#marvel fanfiction#bucky barnes fanfiction#fanfiction
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the full email is posted here but this paragraph from rachel corrie's last email to her mother in 2003 before she was killed by an israeli bulldozer is absolutely fucking harrowing over 20 years later.
I look forward to seeing more and more people willing to resist the direction the world is moving in: a direction where our personal experiences are irrelevant, that we are defective, that our communities are not important, that we are powerless, that the future is determined, and that the highest level of humanity is expressed through what we choose to buy at the mall.
#it's devastating#especially watching discourse around boycotts as the worst case scenario unfolds.#but i think allies need to hear her more now than ever...#i've seen discussion surrounding motaz calling us useless#and it's true.#not in a self-centered sense of personal guilt#but in that we have been made to believe that we are powerless to resist this#that eventually the embers of peoples' effort will die#that we have no say in our government#but we do#you do#i dont even live in the USA anymore but i can still buy e-sims and stand firm in my beliefs#even if it means constantly learning about more atrocities and constantly arguing and defending my stance#the work must be tireless when you rage against a machine#it might not feel like much... but it's honest work.
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Magnificent Century Rewatch: One Picspam per Episode
Episode 17: The Double Joy
-My dear mother used to say "walk barefoot on earth and it shall take away all your troubles and sorrows, earth shall give you happiness and joy"
-Your mother spoke well, one can only find peace in earth. But I'm not sure if it is on earth or in it.
#the quote is a little bit silly but it adquires seriousness when you know everything that comes later#especially because it's hurrem's mother's quote from when she lived in ruthenia. when peace was possible. when she was going to marry leo#and had her future all planned. and there was stability#but the joke is suleyman's. after all becoming part of his family is what brings that ambiguity to the quote for hurrem's story#as it could be argued she never found true peace. at least for the most of her life#but also suleyman speaks in general terms here. so the quote can be extended to all the characters and in this episode of double joy it's#even more significant. because peace it's going to go sooner than later. and the signals of future ibratice problems are already there#and just as the birds are partly symbolic of that temporal peace and joy in love for hurrem the gifts the marriage gets are very important#as well#this episode is just gifts gifts gifts all around#suleyman's necklace for hatice has the tulips of the dynasty and it's something ibrahim himself recognizes could never give her#she says she's always going to have it w her. tho i don't remember seeing it too much in her tbh sdfy#in the other side ibrahim gets a lot of gifts. but the one that reminds him of his origin is his father's ofc. and he says he will always#have it with him as well. and later he gets suleyman's ring [i'm w haticehurrem. this totally looks like a subrahim wedding asfg]#which goes to remind us that he's now officially part of his family as well. he returned but he converted again. and THEN there's the table!#and taking away the politic alliance it could signify. it is venetian. his mother's heritage is there. in all the palace. and in the same#episode hurrem mentioned her mother's saying. the dynasty [or at least the most conservative side represented by ayse] it's unconfortable#the converts are not only winning more power and getting closer to the family. but they're also bringing their cultures & traditions to the#*ba dum tss* table#there's more to the whole return/convert and how it shows in the ibratice palace especially later w the statues but if i ever write about it#it deserves a post of its own ofc [and prolly someone that knows what they're talking about more than me lmao]#noo why did i write so much 😭 i should've done a separate post this is a mess to be under an already long picspam#anyways there's other significant gifts as the clock that musti likes or mahi's lucky charm for selim. and also the ones we already knew:#the ibratice gifts together 💝. and these contrast a lot with the rest because it's something of their own. when the couple was separated#from dynastic or even ibro's family. will they ever find peace again? we'll see it in the next episode [i'm lying]#maybe i should organize this in a post of its own#magnificent century#muhtesem yuzyil#mc1picspam4episode
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buck and eddie would be the most insane PTA moms ever, actually. because eddie loves his son and being a bitch and buck loves bossing people around with a clipboard and being involved.
#eddie would absolutely have beef with one of the moms over something stupid like the bake sale banner colors or something#and would convince buck to join the planning/organizing commitee and buck would be all okay!!!! yay that sounds so fun!! :)!!#and buck would end up taking it Very Seriously and whenever eddie tries to tell him ideas for the bake sale buck would get all ah ah ah#as a member of the committee i cannot consider new ideas without consulting the other committee member#eddie always complains that hes just brain storming and needs to bounce ideas off of buck and buck would just be all rules are rules eddie#so eddie has to present his ideas to the pta like all the other parents and buck doesnt ever appear to treat his ideas any differently so#eddie always catches his eye after hes done and winks at him and buck just glares back at him with red ears and ofc buck (usually) ends up#voting in favor of eddie and buck scolds him after meetings because “its inappropriate to flirt to try and get my favor eddie”#“i already have your favor buck. and when you have a clipboard its really hard not to flirt.”#also you know buck would be all over the micromanaging#like “hi jill you wrote down on the spreadsheet that you were going to make four dozen brownies#NOT four dozen chocolate chip cookies. now we have more chocolate chip cookies than we'll be able to sell and not enough brownies.“#and eddie would love getting involved like “yeah jill WAY too many cookies. now the sale is ruined and the kids will never get their trip.”#“eddie why dont you go set up your booth? you shouldve already done that by now...”#“right....”#like eddie would love arguing with the moms about like which activity is more suitable for earth day or whatever#they would literally love it so much
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being super normal about White calling Billy "a dreamer"after the events of Maybe No Go
#truly alarming amount of tags on this post don't click read more fr#the venture bros#pete white#bily quizboy#billy whalen#idk man the way they balance each other is really interesting#the things they agree on and disagree on are almost arbitrary#'you can't put mouthwash in a cookie' 'trust me' vs 'we should spend 10 mil on a motorcycle instead of housing' 'that's such a cool idea'#billy trying to pep white up about the ball#'this was your dream too' like come on dude when have pete's dreams ever worked out#when have yours#'what are we gonna do now billy?' 'we'll cross that bridge when we come to it'#baby the bridge has never been more present#ALSO white calling billy the dreamer when HE'S the one who pushes so hard for things#billy has dreams that might not be realistic but they give him hope and he works around the way the world works to make things happen#like being a self-taught surgeon and believing in a magic ball#pete has dreams IN SPITE of what is realistic and he will mold reality to be what he wants in order to make it happen#like fixing the quizshow and pretty much everything that happened in invisible hand of fate#and they both have disabilities that affect them in vastly different ways and impact their relationship with realistic goals#like billy's hydrocephalus being presented to the audience as mostly a social issue for him and the hand and eye being marks of trauma#rather than like an actual block for him beyond needing to tune the hand up every now and then#vs white's albinism making him physically unable to be in direct sunlight and making him actively fearful of doing certain things and#being certain places#to be clear i know the actual effects of hydrocephalus as well as the hand and eye but this is based on how the show presents it#like billy took these things about himself into account and went ok these are part of my reality and i will work with them#and pete took his reality and went ok i will cover it up with fake tan and wigs or sunscreen and hats and make reality what i want it to be#and that's what makes them a good team!! that's why they science together well#it's also why they argue so much#accepting reality and playing within its constraints vs hating reality and changing it to suit you#these are the hallmarks of scientific progress
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happy 1 year anniversary to the election results that were so fucked they had me trying to take my mind off of things by watching what seemed like a toxic chinese queerbait show only to find something far more thoughtful and genuinely queer and interesting than expected and end up watching a bunch more unrelated things that are talked about in vaguely the same realms of the internet and then watch bad buddy twice in a row and fall into an endless bingewatch of thai media (some of which is mediocre, some of which is bad, much of which is simply pretty good, and some of which is genuinely incredible) and go, well, it would be a waste of all this language input i'm accidentally giving myself right now if i didn't at least learn a few words. thus accidentally locking myself into watching even more thai media because now i gain serotonin from hearing a sentence i know i could write
#this is about the dutch general elections of 2023. i know another election is probably still on most people's minds#it feels WILD that it's only been a year. and at the same time. the government they eventually formed based on those votes#is still hanging in there. and it feels like THAT's been going on for way longer than a year#*#ah well in happier news! i think it's the way part of me is forever roaming the internet in 2011#but even when a BL (or GL! which is finally picking up!) series is bad. or just boring.#there is something in me that can't help but go !! oh my god? there's a hundred of these out there??#and we can argue definitions and representation and fetishization. but there are So Many queer people working on them these days#and not all but many of these stories are insightful and kind and clever and have a very queer beating heart inside of them#(and there's also something to be said for queer trash tv. that has a place! but i won't get into it)#and this is really truly only a thing of the past few years!!! this did not exist when i was a teen!!!#i'm still so young but i'm EASILY old enough to remember that. and now All Of That is just out there. often on youtube for free#if you are a teen TODAY you don't need to pick between settling for watching tara die on btvs. watching ianto die on torchwood#or watching queer as folk. which is not a knock on qaf but it's not necessarily tv for teens#instead there's like. dozens of queer people on modern western tv! there are ever more queer movies where nobody dies!#and there's just a goddamn fucking impossible-to-watch-in-one-lifetime amount of guaranteed happy end BL series out there#and it's insane!!! that is insane to me!!!#and is also maybe a good thing to remember in current times. things can and do change for the better#sometimes in ways you might not expect. sometimes you might not even know it's happening. but it does
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billions also comedy gold presenting winston as a scapegoat for abuse culture fans when it's like but hey it can't be actual scapegoating if you Enjoy It or consider it Justified or experience Reassurance from Its Opportunity For A Group Cohesion Substitute For A Cohesion Based On An Inherent Equal Degree Of Belonging, The Absence Of Which Allows For, Encourages, Reinforces, & Rewards Scapegoating
it can't be Bullying if someone's Weird or you Just Don't Personally Like Them or Nobody's Actually Stopping You, Maybe At Least If They Don't See Too Much Of It, Maybe Others Are Supporting It
it can't be Abuse if you're just doing things Normally or are Following Rules or Aren't Feeling Malicious And Aren't Getting Divine Revelations Otherwise and probably it's just that a lot of abnormal people are being whiny &/or unfair &/or the Real malicious ones. kinda just like how that scapegoat is the real person ruining everything and really just forcing you to treat them like this
#might note hardly limited to billions; the series doing bog standard suffocatingly common [Being Normal can't be abusive] replication#nor is their Unaware Replication Of [it can't be ableist if i'm not reacting to ppl who walked up & said Hi I'm Autistic]#well abuse & traumatic treatment can't be Everywhere. like how umm sexism can't be everywhere. neither can white supremacy. ableism. cmon.#oh please not everything can be political. Just Be Normal. which makes it ''apolitical.''#now we all agree abuse can't ever be made palatable; insulated; easy. now ppl doing it never said it wasn't That bad.#if they did they must have been maliciously lying. whereas when i say it can't have been That bad; i mean it :)#and if that person says it was; well they must be lying. or clueless. or a pussy. or scheming to destroy me. Must be. Gotta#& we wouldn't be able to look around & see contexts of imbalance. who's vulnerable. who's life gets smaller. who's supported automatically#who's supported if someone even posits they May have done anything like No; Impossible; now instantly definitely get their ass#you can just go on all day about the ''um i'm just the Realistic Normality vessel'' arguments made boundlessly in bad faith#being like ohh Everyday Interactions / ''Normal'' Semi/Public Situations Can't Be Uncomfortable Imbalanced Dangerous Abusive....#if they are that must be So Rare & created only by Rare Bad Actors with Malicious Mens Rea (itself a great concept to make any act Okay)#something framed as Extreme must be an outlier. could never be part of everyone's everyday life & some much more than others.#could never be what's defined as Normal (associated with Superiority) like how Abuse can't be shit i'd think of as Normal#like how damn if ya don't just wanna kill the autistic coworker and everyone agrees & would clap & cheer if you did And That's Great#you'd have to feel Weird / Abnormal about it! b/c Weirdness & Abnormality is what's bad!#like the autism or the cptsd (the Real abuse can only be: inflicting the existence of a victim's survival skills on Superior Normals)#or whatever else gets pathologized with Polite ABA arguments about how it's not ''social skills'' so hide it or suffer the consequences#winston billions#having that perspective too like oh [our blessed successful conformity] [their barbaric xyz Issues]#if the best you can argue for or against smthing is as Normal or Weird respectively like. no. what's behind that door#the authority figure/s who must be supported lest this all crumble. vs the ruinerrrrrr#billions recognizing winston & tuk the next most shitted on would probably get along & have a mutually supportive friendship#billions also recognizing that mutual support better not be Allowed to get that far. lest this all crumble#like look see we Knew it. we knew the bottom tier ppl who don't really belong in the group who we bully & scapegoat are Always Ruining It.
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Summer and Jacob shit because theyd team up a bunch in S1
#also this is Jay's S1 design.. idk if I ever said?#out of my “summer has bangs” phase and onto my “middle path and freckles summer” lifestyle#they'd bicker a bunch but would back up the other when they needed it#like if Summer was arguing with Beth about going to a party Jay would step in and sell how teens need fun experiences or something#and when Jay wants to do something way more irresponsible Summer would say how Beth/Jerry is crushing his dreams#Summer will always call Jay when she needs help before she calls her parents cause she knows he'd be more chill about it#she's also veery supportive of Jay no matter what he does#though Jay tries to help her onto a better road (if she's adoment on doing it her way he lets her but helps her out when she needs it)#he also takes her on adventures and stuff more often than Morty#when she's not around though he just takes anyone who's free#might drop a few designs for the family from S1 to wherever we are now#I love Summer 😔 can't believe I hated her at one point#anyway byebye#rick and morty#my art#rick and morty fanart#bi and pan solidarity#summer smith#jacob#jay#rick and morty fandom#void
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i really think stucky fandom is the only one i've been in where making another relationship pretty much just as significant as theirs in fanfiction is the norm and obvs it used to not bother me but now it makes me crazy
like. i'm used to another pairing being together but then they break up and the main one gets together and you're like okay cool but stucky writers just muddy the waters and i'm like you know you can ignore them being with other people right this is fanfic you can do whatever you want you don't have to prop up this relationship to prove you're not misogynistic or whatever you can still write stucky exactly as they are without all this extra nonsense
#and you really think about it it's almost never tagged for#like i should not have to assume that it's there when it's not mentioned and yet i kind of have to#but yeah anything pertaining to the catfa era is really like#they're together but steve is at LEAST emotionally cheating with peggy if not worse#which even if you wanna argue that bc they have to hide their relationship that equals not being exclusive it's still insane shitty behavio#or it's just bucky pining away while steve gets with peggy (which if you care so much about canon why is that happening#they only kissed once and it was after bucky's death) and steve is oblivious until 2014#OR occasionally it'll either be peggy or bucky trying to selflessly let steve go be with the other#which when would peggy EVER after shooting him over lorraine#or them just being like 'oh we can share <3' which is just as stupid and annoying#sorry i was happy reading the first installments in this fic set during cw though i guess there was the sharon mention#but that's more tolerable than this now that we're looking at catfa/catws skjdfkjs#anti steggy
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Beasties of Greenhollow soundtrack! Some tracks on this are from older projects like elphame but all of them have been reworked in some way. Most of them are entirely new. Enjoy!
#soundtrack#music#indiegamedev#Youtube#beasties of greenhollow#indiegame#chiptune#elphame#hey again gang. Another scream into the void#Things have been getting more interesting tbh#I'm starting therapy again. I have learned from this that my anxiety is in the very very high end.#And I guess the only thing that surprises me about that is that it's an abnormally high amount vs the average.#I've had more intrusive thoughts this week than in a long time. (I almost said ever but that was 2021 where they woke me up...)#It's mostly about my mistakes and ppl I've scared out of being in my life because of the actions based on my anxieties.#Like “if i could go back in time I could fix it”... girl you'd be going back in time like 100 times. At that point it's not fair lmao#I think I shouldn't talk about who I'm dating here anymore. Friends told me to stop seeing so many new people and I took that advice.#I'm exercising incredibly frequently; obsessively so. It really doesn't change much in my anxiety. I walk for like 3 hours a day.#My friend group is... difficult. One of us had a falling out with another and the dynamic is just so awkward for me now.#it just seems like everyone else has moved past it though but I still miss him. I don't think this can be reversed#we used to talk on my stream and play digimon cards n jackbox and d&d... But now they're only interested in d&d which I don't love#For god's sake I've published a game and moved to a nice new place. why aren't I happy hahahaha#work is no longer enjoyable since BoG was publised. our new project is in an iffy category but it's not my place to argue#I want to write music and animate but I have to do my hours for this new project before I can do anything like that...#I ended up siding with my current boss in that ethical dilemma I posted about and rn idk if that was the right decision.#Okay what can i talk about that's good? We moved to a nice place. I'm celebrating BoG's release with family tomorrow.#Graeme's playing Iconoclasts- one of my favourite games! He's also returning to work soon so it'll be less awkward to have a lady over#Thinking about good stuff going on just draws the mind to holidays I've had before. I treasure my memories!#Okay so I've complained for a long long time bc life doesn't feel great rn. But rest assured I already know this is 90% my fault hahaha#Oh another good thing that happened!!! My elestrals card was printed and ppl are really happy with it. I have a card in a real card game!!!#don't tell anyone but there's another one on the way. Anyway that will do for now. I'm sorry about my... self.
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having a moment about my gender rn and i'm just like ugggggh @ my brain do we have to. like can we just not
#i need to go to bed soon bc i have a 10am class tomorrow but shoutout to the identity crisis i've been having since at least feb 6th#idk if identity crisis is even the right word. bc like one thing about me is that i have a very solid sense of self#like i know who i am and what i want and how i move through the world and what it feels like to be me#but in terms of how i label and explain that to others? that's where the identity crisis comes in#but no one else gets to experience me in first person POV so the descriptors i use and they ways i present myself are reality to them#and tbh? as i think about how some of the descriptors i use for myself don't accurately describe me some people are getting mad???#which is so fucking bizarre bc like. what the fuck it's my gender why are YOU being offended???#but it's also making me low key be like ''wait am i a bad person now????''#even tho i don't believe morality works like that. idk it's just been an exhausting month and a half#if anyone wants to hear more in depth thoughts on all this i would love to vent about it#(but not rn bc i will be going to bed as soon as i get this all out)#but like what i will say now is even tho this past month and a half has been ROUGH (for several reasons especially gender)#and people might expect that me spending so much time with scott in february made it more exhausting#which is understandable we love scott but touring in general is tiring and also i am the most opinionated person i've ever met but so is he#and also like. if you've heard scott talk about gender it's very obvious we disagree on a lot of things and he doesn't shy away from that#but the thing is. i'd actually say spending so much time with scott (even when we talk about gender. even when we *argue* about gender)#was actually such a good thing for me throughout all of this bc even when we disagree on semantics of labels#scott actually sees me beyond that rather than reducing my identity to what i call myself#which is how a lot of well-meaning allys tend to treat me. like i'm just one thing.#so when i'm with scott i never really have to think about my gender#bc he doesn't treat me like i'm (insert whatever gender people treat me like). he just treats me like i'm jessamine#and i'm tired of having to explain myself into smaller pieces so people can pretend to get it#but i feel like there's no way not to do that in our society rn especially at my ''progressive'' liberal arts college
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got bored so here's
Characters in BBC Merlin that i think had potential to add even cooler story arcs to the show if they didn't die/get ignored for the most part
in no particular order
Tristan & Isolde
Cornelius Sigan
Nimueh
Aithusa
Will
Alice
Freya
or you know, we just got more with the Ladies of the Lake
Elena
Vivian
Mithian
Mary the barmaid
Leon, Percival, Gwaine, Elyan, Lancelot
Deagal
#for more information feel free to ask#or don't live with just the list and no added explanation#tristan & isolde were at the top on purpose#everyone else were added as i remembered them#yeah i know why will had to die and all that but have you ever considered that he didn't???#also wouldn't it be funny if he just appeared out of nowhere in the woods when arthur & merlin are hunting all dramatic like in telenovelas#now one would argue that the knights are there (from s4 to s5) but to me they feel more like stock characters than the ones we knew from#previous seasons (lancelot in s1 and s2 gwaine in s3 and even elyan in s3)#this is just my opinion of course#and i know nothing i wish will change anything but there were so many threads that they had left i just want to find a way to stitch#these loose story threads into a show i adore#bbc merlin
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I've fucking cursed myself with an animatic idea that I never made and now any song that's about the way the internet fucks with ur psyche gets automatically associated with monika in my mind
#monika ddlc#doki doki literature club#the original idea was welcome to the internet by bo burnham and was mostly focused on her epiphany#and now ive got you liked this (okay computer!) by will wood and the internet has ruined me by wilbur soot on my list#the latter is funny bc im very opposed to animating her with a love song#i dont want to reduce a character arc about cosmic horror and derealization and the desperation for human connection down#to “girl sad boy dont love her so she kill girls boy love” thats so fucking lame#but i could make tihrm work#if i ever got MOTIVATION#but anyways. long rant i have many thoughts but dobt wanna derail my own post#thinking about like. monika discovering everything about our world through the internet and more importantly. social media#and so her worldview is gonna be warped by default#social media conditions people to view others not as people but as faceless entities#its not “10 000 people saw what you wrote and agreed with it/found it funny” its “your post got 10 000 likes”#its not that the person re arguinh with is a human influenced by their environment and upbringing its that theyre shitty by default#or alternatively its not that the person ur arguing with is someone with an influence on the real world its just a troll here to piss u off#things like doxxing. suicide baiting. threats of violence. child porn. theyre all things that we know are bad but happen regardless because#the internet is anonymous. its ok bc subconsciously the person isnt really human. theyre just another faceless user#this must affect how she views her friends#after all. theyre less than just users. theyre ai#it doesnt matter if theyre no different than her. it doesnt matter if the things shes doing are horrible#people on the internet have done similarly bad things to other humans. its fine. shes not a bad person. its fine.#deleting her becomes the equivalent of learning the stranger u sent gore to is your neighbor who uve had pleasant conversations with#the brutal realization that its not a faceless entity. its a human being you know and love. and youve done horrible things to them.#god i really need to make a video essay on this huh#if u read all of this character analysis mwah ily
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Fuck fuck*stuffing comically huge duvet cover into washing machine frantically*Fuck it won’t fit
#blog post#PUT THE CRAZY BACK WHERE IT CAME FROM#oh god please don’t let me turn out like famous Dec#I know people on meds for their mental illness and they’re still not happy cuz the secret is there is no happy pill.#You have to do the work yourself#I guess some doctors would say. how about both. medication AND doing the work? and I would say. Ok but explain why we ever started changing#the chemical composition of our bodies again#Sigh#ok I can’t argue with a doctor they’re way more educated than me#but ugh.#I still need to learn more about#everything#but medication esp#before I can speak on it definitively#I hate how I feel right now and I’m so scared to go back to school now
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Sin City Theme Song
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#sin city#soundtrack#marv#Youtube#so let them argue. all my kids are growin up. learning the hard lessons and finally a group...a pack?......a murder😈 of adults.#adults who now grasp mortality and limitations. amazingly i took on the children they were only 10 and 11 and had been quite abused.#I have taken them as my own children from that day forward. they deserved no less in this verdant world. it has never been a chore to me.#If you believe in fate I was sent to them So that we could talk through that abuse and trauma. I'm quite experienced in this area lol.#i have served as the peacekeeper ever since. If it's 1 thing I can do it's talk. And when the grandchildren came along i got to be the only~#grandfather that they ever knew. My grandchildren are very good at talking through their problems. At least the ones that I raised#im so proud of them. they are unfortunately wrapped up in their parents drama. but they are being logical and their assessment?#they are shaking their heads like me. then artemesia of course because she feels she has had it worse than anyone she has to jump in d' ring#me and my grandaughter Literally said in concert It's not a competition. so artemesia has retired to her room hurling insults at me.#She goes from 0 to gay slur in less than 60 seconds#im immune to these missiles of hers. again the grandkids shake their heads. They don't judge me and I have no fear of disclosure#It still hurts my feelings that she thinks it hurts my feelings If you catch my meaning. my kids and grandkids are well versed in my past#For some reason it bounces off of me like superman. in a few hours she will want something and come slivering back like a snake#and i will act like nothing at all happened. i already forgive you my slinky little serpentine viper. you are always my favourite vice.#but the whole manor is jumping tonight.#which marv has everything under control.#itts always about money. its the biggest stressor we have at the manor. we constantly and consistantly struggle every day of every week.#i diary blog about it which artemesia hates. she dont like people knowing we use the food bank and we barely stay afloat.#my cancer treatments and meds are a big drain on us. artemesia has gone without her meds at times and missed appts so i can get mine.#many times our appts conflict i have cancelled a few treatment days or rescheduled theres times i can do that with no loss to me.#but its all expensive. all i have is disability and they cut that back two months ago. i get less now and i bet drumpf is going to get me 2#im not complaining. weve always had to struggle but its worth it. my grandkids like money and i did spoil them to my limits but they arent~#moneycentric. which im damn thankful for. i made some good humans. not perfect no far from it and that is beautiful too.#there is fun and warmth and valor and honor in the struggle. it bonds us beyond material comforts. there is so much love to be found!!#it teaches us there is so much more to life than counting beans. Certainly you must have some beans to properly exist in bean world#But like thorin in the dragon's lair you can't let the gold lust possess you.
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