#the brutal realization that its not a faceless entity. its a human being you know and love. and youve done horrible things to them.

[fallencomrade-a]

                  RANDOM FACTS ABOUT THE MUN.

                     repost,  not  reblog!  tag  muns  you would  like  to get to  know  better!                      tagged  by ::  @padshiy / @warpromised

NAME ::  kristen NICKNAME ::  kris.  ten.  kay.    AGE ::  twenty - seven PRONOUNS  ::  she / her HEIGHT ::  5 ft 2 in BIRTHDAY  ::  may fourth AESTHETIC ::  blood ,  blood ,  blood pump more through my veins  ;;  black lipstick  ;;  bloody knuckles  ;;  dragonflies  ;;  voodoo  ;;  kitty cats  ;;  ying - yang  ;;  autumn leaves  ;;  tar  ;;  butterflies  ;;  faceless portraits  ;;  birds  ;;  pink hair  ;;  bones  ;;  tarot cards  ;;  gusts of wind  ;;  ink  ;;  storm clouds  ;;  aviators  ;;  bare trees  ;;  needles  ;;  skulls  ;;  cascading sunlight  ;;  constellations  ;;  string instruments  ;;  old books  ;;  steam punk  ;;  septum piercings  ;;  candle wax  ;;  sunrises  ;;  chains  ;;  thunderstorms  ;;  subversion  LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO  ::  hangman  -  the pretty reckless  FAVORITE MUSE(S) YOU’VE WRITTEN  ::  james buchanan barnes ( fallencomrade )  &&  arya stark ( thefacelesswolf ) who i would revive if the email wasn’t forever lost.  (ᗒᗣᗕ)՞  i’ve saved the url thefacelesswclf though so, that’s something at least. god, i love my murder bae  &&  i miss my murder bird.  ✿♥‿♥✿ my murder children.  WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO TAKE ON YOUR CURRENT MUSE ( THAT YOU ARE POSTING THIS ON ) ::  i’ve always had an allure to muses who lose ( normally because of a horrible tragedy of some kind ) their sense of identity  ;;  who are forced to forfeit their younger, more innocent ( naive ) selves in order to survive whatever turmoil they are suddenly and cruelly thrust into. the turning point  ;;  the moment innocence shatters, pushed to its breaking point by the harshness of reality, and the fallout that ensues after. the moment of DISILLUSION. good characters, stripped raw  &&  peeled away until their very essence, their heart, their core is compromised and that corruption that destroyed everything they were threatens to consume them as well. the tragedy of it all  -  that devastating loss of beautiful potential, possibility, safety, sanctuary  &&  happiness, stolen. i really can’t explain why i am drawn to such a forlorn trope, but i very much enjoy exploring this sense of lost identity. maybe it resonates with me slightly on a more extreme level. 

for a while ( i believe three years ) i portrayed arya stark and then captain america the winter soldier came out and i was just sitting there in the theater  ::   (●♡∀♡)  (●♡∀♡)  (●♡∀♡). everything about bucky barnes interested me. depravity stripping him from his humanity  ;;  misfortune depriving him of the life he deserved  ;;  innocence stolen  ;;  dehumanized into a weapon  &&  a horrifying shadow of his former self, turned enemy and forced to kill until death, violence  &&  abuse was all he recognized  ;;  until kindness  &&  compassion felt more similar to a physical blow and punishment, a mercy. i just instantly fell head over heels in love with the character. there was such excitement inside of me to explore him as a muse, but at the time i was actually very hesitant  &&  scared to venture into his head and into his story because he was my first and still is my only male muse, to date. i was definitely a little intimidated ( as if creating a new muse isn’t stressful enough ) but i was also vigorously inspired and excited. 

a tremendous amount of that inspiration came from sebastian stan, whose performance elevated and heightened the character of bucky barnes into something truly phenomenal. his ability to showcase such a volatile, unstable and complex character, accurately portraying both this very real threat as well as the wounded, abused victim underneath is astounding. &&  sebastian is able to play these very compelling aspects of a single character intermittently, switching between one to the other in a single blink of the eye, and then taking it even another step forward, overlapping the soldier’s and bucky’s very different, distinct characteristics and portraying the product of both. this duality he was able to bring to bucky was mesmerizing, and he managed to do it without saying much. he only had  -  what, ten lines in the whole movie? his performance is truly remarkable.

another aspect that resonated very deeply with me was steve’s  &&  bucky’s friendship  &&  brotherhood. the tragedy of steve’s story is gut-wrenching, that the only two people left from his time ( the only two people who really knew steve rogers ) view him as a stranger. two very different boys  -  each with their own distinct and compelling personality  -  who became best friends at a very young age. ( buck also takes great PRIDE as being one of the very few people who accepted steve as he was. ) even when i had nothing, i had bucky. T.T they grew up together, persevered through so many hardships. ( steve’s chronic illnesses, the great depression, the death of sarah rogers, poverty, war. ) through it all, building a strong bond that transcended time. it was steve, and only steve, who was able to revive james barnes. 

both bucky and steve’s stories are also very similar in composition -  both products of the same serum and experimentation, one who flourishes ( per se ) in the role and the other who horrifically crumbles beneath it  ;;  stolen from the world  &&  cut off from their destined timelines by the grips of death, only to be thrust into a new world, pitted against each other and told to  fight; to kill the only familiar pieces of themselves that remain. their stories ( both individually  &&  intertwined ) are just so very compelling and deeply, emotionally intricate. i saw so much potential to explore so many new things. i strapped in  &&  haven’t looked back since. (❁´ω`❁)

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE ASPECTS OF YOUR CURRENT MUSE ::  oh what’s not to love? the juxtaposition between who he was in the first avenger to who he was in the winter soldier to who he is now  ;;  he is an ever-growing, evolving character who changes so dramatically with each movie  &&  yet, is still familiar. he hasn’t lost his essence. he is still very much james buchanan barnes  ;;  he is just a lot more careful with who he allows to see him. the tragedy of his story appeals to me as well ( as explained above ), as does his constant struggle after hydra. his recovery  &&  integration back into the world, back into himself is also very interesting to explore.

but let’s talk about touch, because touch  &&  intimacy fascinates me. i adore a touch-starved character who is so desperate for tenderness and yet, at the same time is absolutely terrified and overwhelmed by it. bucky’s approach to intimacy in particular is so uniquely captivating. violence  &&  physical abuse is more familiar ( && therefore twistedly safer ) to him than kindness. he responds more confidently  &&  assuredly to brutality than he does to compassion, which is so horribly tragic but also very interesting to explore. i have a character who understands what it means to be a weapon, but not a human being.  &&  because of this abuse, relationships are particularly difficult for the young man who used to be such a lady-killer. he is suddenly unsure, namely with his own body. that swagger and confidence that used to come so easily is gone. he has forgotten how to touch without destroying  &&  views physical contact as first and foremost a threat. I burn, I freeze; I am never warm. I am rigid; I forgot softness because it did not serve me.

another aspect that captivates me about bucky barnes is his lack of guilt.  &&  and that is not meant to be in an arrogant, ‘ absolving him from the burden of responsibility ‘ sort of way. my buck just has not yet felt the full impact of guilt.  &&  i’ve come to realize it is because he still has not grasped the idea of ‘ self ‘. he still perceives himself only in the way others perceive him, leftover conditioning thanks to hydra. for decades, he was told he was a weapon. terrorized into believing that that was all he was  &&  all he would ever be. he was what they told him he was  ;;  nothing more. that sort of abuse  &&  mentality is hard to shake once it has taken root. even after defecting, there still exist countless external factors telling this very confused man who he is, who he once was  &&  who he should be. the smithsonian moral painting him as a brave and loyal solider who graciously gave his life for friend  &&  country. the captain  -  steve  -  so confident and headstrong  ;; your name is james buchanan barnes. you’re my friend. 

this power, to decide which mask he is to wear, is still something he permits others to choose for him. steve sees the hardened face of his old friend, and so  -  he does his best to be the james barnes that exists in steve’s memories. sam wilson looks down at him and sees a very real threat, someone who can’t be trusted  &&  so he bends his head and disengages, because wilson isn’t being eccentric, just cautious  -  and bucky can understand why. he is a threat. he is dangerous. he is unstable. i can’t trust my own mind. the world labels him a terrorist, something that should be monitored, restrained  &&  locked away and they are right, aren’t they? it would be the safe thing to do. until they figure out how to get this stuff out of my head, i think going back under is the best thing...for everybody. stark looks at him and sees a coldblooded murderer and he is. he is guilty. i remember all of them. he sees himself through the eyes of others, but has no idea how he feels about himself. in anonymity, he is allowed to be no one  -  nothing, and that is the closest he has ever gotten to discovering who he really is. 

dehumanization is also disturbingly interesting to me. i like the idea of buck  &&  the soldier being one single entity, as opposed to them being split. civil war played on this idea that buck reverts / dissociates when someone uses his triggers words. i’m very much interested in exploring this even further, the impacts of hydra’s mind control attempts. i like the idea of a combination of words used to trigger the mind into a dissociative state, but i think it would have to be a bit more complicated than what the movie portrayed. i tend to write buck as a more fluid being  -  drifting back  &&  forth between the soldier and the man. depending on the situation, he adapts and changes, becoming either harder or softer depending on the situation at hand. like the mind wipes, the trigger words would act as a hard reset, but only temporarily. i look forward to playing more with these ideas. 

not to mention, buck is a powerful  &&  deadly mofo, and i love playing a seriously dangerous character capable of great devastation. Ψ(≧ω≦)Ψ

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST INSPIRATION WHEN IT COMES TO WRITING?  ::  hands down, my partners  &&  friends. i’ve met so many lovely people on this site. it’s truly something special when you find someone who shares the same amount of excitement  &&  passion for a topic. they are my constant motivation and i love and appreciate each one of you very dearly. you have encouraged and challenged me to explore new ideas and in doing so, have also helped to build my confidence as a writer. plus, it’s so much more fun to nerd out with another person. you feed my unhealthy obsessions  &&  i love you all for it. 

FAVORITE TYPE OF THREADS  ::  CRUSHING, DEBILITATING ANGST with some desperate, needy all-consuming romance sprinkled into the mix, to add to that lovely mess. 

BIGGEST STRUGGLE IN REGARDS TO YOUR CURRENT MUSE  ::  hmm, i’d probably say  -  because of the potential for interpretation  -  sometimes i’m not entirely sure how to write buck. sometimes i struggle with figuring out what is the best and most believable way to write buck. which is, of course an issue everyone struggles with. that lack of confidence that your portrayal is in-character enough to be passable. c; you may notice, my buck can sometimes be a little different between partners / threads. sometimes he is extremely unstable  &&  violent, other times he is particularly submissive. he could be consumed by anger in one thread, obsessed with revenge and yet in the next thread with another partner, he could be apathetic to everything. i base his character off of the situation, partner  &&  muse, as well as my own personal mindset when replying to  /  creating a thread  -  however, i do my best from that point forward to base his personality off of that original characterization. it’s really a roll of the dice which version of buck you’ll end up with ( unless you make a request ) and it’s simply because i’m not 100% certain of his character, so i enjoy playing with different ideas  &&  situations. i can see how this may be interpreted as a ‘ struggle ‘ though  ;;  how it could confuse some partners. the argument, ‘ oh well, he had a different opinion or felt the complete opposite in that reply you wrote for x the other day ‘ doesn’t really hold merit with me. at least, not always. i apologize if this is confusing for some. like i said, i do try my hardest to keep him focused within the threads.  --  but yes, i like playing  &&  exploring all the different ideas and perspectives that james might have. 

TAGGING  ::  @notxofuse  ;;  @cxpt  ;;  @geislun  ;;  @rokovoya  ;;  @danversiism  ;;  + first three lovelies on my dash. . .  @dokkstjarna  ;;  @purosdecorazon  ;;  @cerisetheai