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13tinysocks · 2 months ago

Text

My Dead Girlfriend

Days pass. Patience grows thin. Deathbed talk begins. You pull the last straw and are taken somewhere new.

[Invincible Varients X Reader]

[Part one] [Ao3] [11] [13] [Chapter Index]

12 * Two Inches? [9.2k]

"Nice, nice!

Are you a virgin?

Nice, nice!

What color are your panties?"

Nice Nice - Dazey and the Scouts

"We need to tell everybody." He couldn't look away from that massive white thing. Hard-shelled with soft, crabby flesh underneath. His mouth watered just looking at its twitching mandibles.

From behind him, "No."

Baldie turned, brows pressed together. "Why not?"

Phantom watched him, feet away, keeping eyes and ears out for approaching company. No one was coming.

"(Y/n) likes you." He says instead of answering directly. "If you ask her to come with you alone, she will."

Baldie's mouth fell open. Now he was starting to get it. "But... You just said all that stuff about not splitting up."

"Because I had to." Phantom said, modulator softly echoing off the cave walls, "To keep the peace until we could talk. This is the safest way to do it."

"We can't just keep this from every-"

"You saw what those two did to her." Phantom cut him off, surprising even himself, "How easily they took her from you. I had to get her out of that situation. We only survived because they decided they were done playing. Do you really want her to be around people like that?" His throat itched. Vocal cords thin and raw after ten seconds of jabbering.

"Then we tell everyone but them." Baldie reasoned, though the voice in the back of his mind agreed. To take the hoard that was you and run.

"If we're all together, they'll find us. It has to be just us." Phantom finishes, cards splayed across the table, hoping Baldie would fold.

Baldie's mouth opened, closed, opened, closed. He knew he should do the right thing. Refuse. Tell everybody. Band together, kill Lensless and Scars with everybody else. Establish peace. Live with and eat bugs forever. Find friendship and understanding in the only person who could really understand what he went through- the other versions of himself.

But he just couldn't.

He'd waited four years in hell only to find your bones. Watched you be civil to the others, Viltrumite loyalists and enforcers and leaders. It made him sick, the idea of you with them. Any of them but him. Phantom must feel that way too.

He was no fool. Alternate motives were guaranteed in a situation as suspicious as this. "How long have you known about this place?" Was double-speak for, 'Did you find this before or after we ate a guy?'

"Not long." Phantom lies, "Three days."

Baldie nods shallow before spinning, neck cracking like a whip. "You're only telling me this now because, what? You think I'm stupid? You think I'm easy to kill?"

Phantom backed up, hands raised defensively. "No." He says, shaking his head, voice small, hunched over, feigning doe-ishness.

"What's stopping you from killing me when I bring her here?" Baldie's prowling closer now, fists clenching, "What's stopping you from just taking her yourself? Why are you telling me this?" Veins pop out on his scarred neck, pulse throbbing in his clenched fists. He's still angry about you letting Lensless and Scars go. He doesn't want, he needs to hit something hard as he can.

"Because you can make her happy." Phantom says, "And I can't." That makes Baldie pause. "I wish she liked me the way she likes you, but I know it won't happen. I'm okay with that. I just want her safe." It's a lie but a well-told one.

Baldie relaxes but not fully. "If you ever fucking try to touch her, I will kill you." He only says it because you're not here to hear him say it, because he couldn't say it to the ones that hurt you. Then and now. He had dreaded coming home from prison and you being scared of him, his appearance and the scars that festered underneath. But the you now wasn't scared, you were starting to cherish him. He was afraid now, of fucking it up a second time.

"Understood," Phantom said because this is exactly what he wanted.

"I-" Baldie took a breath, squared his shoulders, "I also need some time to figure this out. This," the bug queen, the cathedral, the never ending cache of food, "is a lot." But most of all, he needed to figure out how to tell you.

***

Your phone was gone. Off the rock you'd left it on to play music and die on. You'd asked around unhurriedly. Not like it'd be any help but the comfort of something not from this shithole was alluring. Something to hold and know you had existed before this and would hopefully exist after. But nobody knows where it went. Though Lensless (when you saw him next) claimed he took it and tried to get you to force him to tell the truth. You didn't even try.

Gray was dodgy, not about the phone, but about you. He couldn't seem to hold conversation with you for more than two seconds at a time before flying off somewhere with something better to do. He'd always been that way, but he'd been shorter with his words and was staring at you a whole lot more. Despite this, he wasn't a suspect. You doubted he'd want anything to do with your phone, even if it was working.

You were rotting and they all saw it. You couldn't explore long. The torches you'd been making out of soaked, then slightly dried wood and cloth never last longer than a half hour. You couldn't go to the surface, ceiling too high to even consider scaling out of. Not like any of them would let you anyway, not with Scars and Lensless roaming the wastes during the day. Hiding out somewhere hidden so those who wanted them dead couldn't even kill them in the daylight. Or maybe they were hiding, waiting to pick them off one by one. No one knew what they were planning.

Scars and Lensless always came at night because they'd yet to find another source of food. The peace was paper thin. They ate and didn't attack or kidnap you. Your horde of bodyguards let them stay in the shade for a few hours. We don't hurt you and we get to eat. Not exactly an even exchange.

Personal agendas were always thick in the air now. It was only a matter of days until the food was gone. They could go without awhile, but as soon as you began to starve, there'd be another death and another. Everyone was planning to be the last one standing, to die in the desert with you. The truce wouldn't last much longer but for tonight, nobody mentioned it.

Gray marked day twenty on the wall. He kept count for the sake of rationing. Meager scraps of what hadn't rotted remained. Only you would eat tonight, the small hard pieces of Emperor jerky that always got caught in your teeth a reminder.

Hopelessness isn't in the air, it's already sunken in, become a part of each of you. People were starting to think about dying or finding a way to make this all work long term. But without food? It would not.

The deathbed talk started lightly, a reprieve from their thoughts and the empty expanse around them.

"I could really go for mom's chicken parm." Maskless says, watching you nibble on small pieces of Emperor meat.

Tracksuit's mask fluttered when he laughed, "Your mom cooked?"

"Yours didn't?"

So began talk of Debbie Grayson. Another universal constant, but she was dynamic through the multiverse. Tracksuit talked about a distant figure he never liked much. Maskless implied kind acceptance, the love some of them yearned for. She stood up to Nolan and died for it. Mohawk laughed in his face. Bragged about how he came to your world partly to kill her himself again.

"Did you?" Omni asked, sounding suspiciously interested. Like he'd had a similar idea.

"Nah." Mohawk kicked at the ground. "Wasn't home. Any of you dicks find 'er?"

Nobody had.

Lensless claimed a weak, once loving mother who stepped aside when the Viltrum Empire came to Earth. Struck by grief at the death of her husband at her child's hand. They lived together through the change Viltrum brought to Earth. What was left of it after the slaughter Lensless brought down. She was a ghost. Wasting away as the world was rebuilt into a utopia. The last time he saw her, she was hanging in her closet. He said this lightly, with the same smile he always wore.

Scars grinned at the story, told them that Debbie Grayson's body would never be found in his world. Left it at that. No one wanted to know.

Gray was confused by all of this. The death. The alien versions of his, "Mother raised me on Viltrum." Turned heads. "She likes it there."

Baldie stirred, agitated by the idea. Mom was good, she was just. She was taken from Earth just like he was. Brought to Viltrum, not in a cell, but still imprisoned. Dad gave him updates in between beat-downs on his cell floor. She had stopped talking, stopped eating, had to be put on life support to stay alive. Nolan refused to pull the plug. He kept his wife unwillingly alive as a self-inflicted vegetable. Baldie wished he could've escaped another way. Seen mom one last time, taken her off that horrid life support and let her rest in peace.

But he kept his mouth shut. He felt if he opened his mouth at all, the cave secret would come spilling out. He hadn't figured out how to tell you. Where to tell you. When. How you'd react.

Phantom hadn't spoken at all since he'd talked with Baldie those days ago. Something about Mom and Viltrum made him spark, contempt thick in his voice. "As breeding stock?"

Gray turned to him, "That's not what I said."

"Dad said that's all humans were good for," Phantom said.

***

"Is she with child?" The Viltrumite doctor asked as they all stepped into the sterile room. White on white on white. Technically, only Mark needed to be in attendance for his physical. There had been plenty of appointments since he was the first human-Viltrumite hybrid and the Empire desperately wanted to know how he was developing. But his parents came, they always came because they cared. Humanity's customs had rubbed a dent into Nolan's character. The other Viltrumites didn't approve but he still conquered planets, if not more effectively than before- excited to return to his family.

"No." Debbie said firm. "We've already told you, we're not-"

"You brought the human woman to breed did you not?" The doctor looked square at Nolan. Debbie was beneath him.

"I feel it's better to focus on Mark until he develops his powers." Nolan said as Mark climbed onto the table for a full body scan. He was seven, small for a Viltrumite boy his age but Debbie was sure he'd hit a growth spurt soon.

The doctor watched numbers flash on a screen. Mark's vitals, muscle and bone density. Hardly different from a full blooded Viltrumite. "He will soon, Nolan. It would be prudent to begin procreation immediately."

"I said no." Debbie snapped.

The Viltrumite doesn't turn to address her. "You should consider your mission on Earth a great success, Nolan. We were unsure of human-Viltrumite compatibility before, but by the time he's developed his powers- he'll be strong as a full-blood. The Empire thanks you for this knowledge."

"Uh, yeah sure." Nolan internally wilted at his wife's hard stare. "But you don't need me to have more children do you? There's so many Viltrumites and humans to do that for me."

The doctor's hands balled to fists. "You know?"

It's a secret Mark isn't privy to. Debbie isn't privy to. Nolan knows. There are only fifty full-blooded Viltrumites left in the galaxy. Their bloodline thinning in other mixed races. The Empire is weak, desperate. Mark the greatest success yet.

"Yes," Nolan said.

"Then you know what you must do."

***

"There are other humans to do it for him." He says, the parallel is like a hammer to head. The population of Viltrum had thinned further since then, but there were still others to carry the mission. He could just... No. No, he couldn't defect like that, it wasn't like mother. The Empire wouldn't even allow you to be considered if you couldn't procreate. Even if he wanted to, he was stuck in the desert. No way of returning to his Empire. Still, he looks to you and finds a cringe he feels the need to reset. "The parents of our hybrid children are not forced into what they do. It is bad for the child's physical health if some human practices are not done during pregnancy and early development." Only in hybrids. Viltrumite babies weren't so needy. Remembering himself, a tiny, keening and a desperate thing, made him embarrassed to not be full blooded.

Your expression only worsens. You did not like that. He is confused, what he said was very humane. He left out the part that humans were selected by health and fertility, that many did not meet their qualifications. Some did not wish to serve the empire, so they would be killed until another was found. Rinse, repeat. After awhile, all participants are willing.

"Wait." Tracksuit's accent cut the tension. "You were on Viltrum from day one, yeah?"

"I was born there." Gray said, proud. It was like a badge among the lesser versions of him.

Tracksuit's fingers snapped. "That makes so much sense!" Gray doesn't ask, so Tracksuit continues, "You know, why you're taller than the rest of us!"

Looks were shared. "He's not-" Then. "Wait- Hey! Stop hovering for a second!"

Gray, who perpetually seemed to hover above the ground except for when he slept, did as requested. Gasps rang through the cave. Marks stood beside him. Hands going from the top of their heads to the middle of Gray's chin. All of them were the same height, except for Gray. Two, maybe three inches taller than the rest.

There was outrage from some. Gray did not care. Height did not matter on Viltrum, through he suspected his difference was due to a different level of gravity throughout his lifetime. Odd, yes, but he can only focus on you and your faraway expression. What were you thinking about? Were you not impressed with his height? Didn't Earth women like taller mates?

He is so focused on you he nearly doesn't catch Phantom's quiet words.

"She'd rather die than live on Viltrum." The whole time he'd been simmering, building up the strength in his throat.

Gray looked to him. Saw past his modulator and mask, and knew he was a hurt, aching, little boy on the inside. One he could've been, had he not been raised to be strong on Viltrum. Gray pities him, but feels no compassion. A bleeding heart was just that, a bleeding heart. Weak, soon to die.

"Your mother is dead, yes?" He says more than asks. It's a guess, an educated one. The human-raised among his ilk were too transparent with their feelings.

Phantom jerks as if struck, voice a growl like what he says will hurt him. "Dad killed her."

Weakness. "If she resisted, then it had to be done. She was not strong enough for The Empire or your father. My mother was, and she still serves The Empire." He says as if his mother didn't only have one child. As if he didn't cherish growing up surrounded by his parents love and attention. She had not done everything she should have for The Empire and he still loved her, his father loved her. He too was weak, but unlike Phantom, would not show it.

Phantom bristled under the mask. Tense. Ready to strike. But he looks at you. Remembers what's at stake. Forces himself to relax.

Mohawk's cackle hurts his ears, "Maaaaan! You can't be sayin' that shit to this dude!" His thumb jerked toward Phantom, "Dude looks like a school shooter!"

Phantom took the abuse on the chin. He'd take all he needed to because soon enough, he'd show them all.

***

Scars and Lensless touched down, made their gross, sexual commentary. Toed the line. Maskless built the fire, Gray marked day twenty-two.

You eat beside Tracksuit. Friendship an undercurrent you keep hidden at these fireside. The others would be weird, territorial. Scars and Lensless might fucking kill him. You hoped they didn't hear you pour your heart out to him about Mark. Knowing your luck? They probably had.

Another night of tension. Conversational scraps. No one had found anything in the caves or the desert. Until.

"Alright, I'm bored." Mohawk shot a pointed finger your way. "I gotta know, how was he in bed?"

You almost drop your jerky. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me. How was fuckin' Daddy's little clone?"

You'd been avoiding the topic for days. Avoiding Omni for days. He had his own cot now, had for days, but he pushed it right up next to yours. Sleeping next to one another, ignoring his chatter, trying to get him to sleep on his cot and not roll onto yours in the night. All you cared about was if he would kill you or not. Since he wasn't trying, you didn't need to talk to him. Still, he tried. Over and over to catch you out alone and you continued to dodge. Using your powers to get someone else to be around. He was smart and knew the others shouldn't know. Liked keeping a secret between you both, until he didn't.

"I told you twelve times already, we didn't have sex." Your lies sting him. The first time you denied it, he didn't mind. It was survival. But now? You sounded grossed out by the idea of him inside you. As if your body hadn't been begging for more. As if he hasn't tasted you on his fingers.

"Sure you didn't." Mohawk snickers. "Yelling at him for that long?"

"Dude," Tracksuit swallows a wad of meat, "I'd tell you if she was fuckin' some guy. It's like, bro code man."

Mohawk snorted, "I'm just sayin', if we were alone for that long? You would not be yelling at me." His brows do a stupid jig on his forehead. You want to throw your jerky at him but you needed it. You'd used your reserves for the day on shutting Scars and Lensless up for an extended period. They seemed to come to the fireside just for your control. Work it out until your nose bled or you passed out, then leave into the night.

"If we were alone that long, I'd kill you." You say.

He bit his pierced lip in a grin. "I'd like to see you try."

"Say that stupid shit again and I will."

Omni had had enough. The secret was doing no good for your relationship. He said loud and clear for the whole desert to hear, "Is it so bad that I made love to my wife?"

Your jerky finally drops out your hand as you stood. "You-"

Mohawk slapped his knee. "Knew it! I knew it!"

"We didn't!" You glare at him, trying to stop him with your eyes.

Omni levels you with a too-serious glare. "We did and it was beautiful."

"No!" You hands go to your head. You do not have the energy to deal with this.

Mohawk clutched his chest, laughing so hard he may vomit. "Him! Him first?! Ain't no way!"

Your control on Lensless and Scars snapped. Lensless shot up, arm raised, "Me next! Me! Pick me!" While Scars watched you with a small, knowing smile. He'd already known. Guessed or heard somehow. You could never tell with this freak.

"Oh God." Tracksuit ran a hand under his mask.

"Wait." Mohawk stopped. "What about bro code? Were you in that pussy too!?"

"No." Omni said at the same time as you.

The unity made Mohawk stop laughing. Taking stock of the situation, the way you stood in front of him, trying to mask your anger in a way you wouldn't if he was lying. If he was lying you'd make him jump into the fire, but you just looked anxious now, barely contained.

"You actually fucked her." It's not a question. Omni didn't joke. "I should cut your dick off." Mohawk wanted to say little but considering they were the same person? Definitely not little.

"You will not." Omni says, smile cocky enough to make them all bristle, "But I didn't need it."

Mohawk's hands go to the shaved sides of his head. "Fucking-!" He'd done plenty of that in his day, especially since your death to fill the void. If anyone knew about meaningless sex it was him but you fucked him, another version of him, and not him him. It was a total betrayal, a slap in the face, a Coalition of Planets data pad under the mattress.

Nothing seemed more healing to him then being buried in your pussy. Negging you was flirting for him. He was just trying to get in your pants, then your heart. He'd thought the teasing would bring you closer together. He'd had a plan but now all he wanted to do was kick Omni's ass for existing.

He stood. Omni stayed seated. "Do you really plan to attack me, Little Man?" Mohawk doesn't see but feels his eyes flick up and down. It was obvious who the scrawniest was out of all of them, Mohawk himself. Nothing to sneeze at in terms of physique but compared to Omni's brick wall body? He stood no fucking chance.

But he knew his physique didn't matter, that he was more durable, better than all of them combined. And he wouldn't take such a insult in front of you.

"Yea-"

"Take a breather." You say. Mohawk shoots hard into the night. You hold control long as you can.

"I appreciate the assist, my love but l-"

You hold up a hand shutting him up. "I'm not your love or your wife. That was the whole fucking point of what we did." You turn to the rest, the official news hitting them all at once. "And if any of you assholes have a problem, I'll send you out until you can act like adults. Jesus Christ."

Gray felt strangely disappointed. You couldn't help the repopulation effort but you'd still had sex just to have sex. Why? He never understood why his parents did what they did. Never got to lay his version of you down himself. Baldie tells himself you're only human. Needed to let off steam, but he angsts anyway. Lensless and Scars look to each other. Seeming to physically brew up punishing ideas. Maskless didn't care. Tracksuit hoped Mohawk wouldn't come back and murder him over an assumption.

Phantom sat content. Upset, yes, but content knowing this information would push Baldie further to his side. All evidence of Omni's mark on you could be erased anyway- once Baldie was out of the picture. If everything went his way no one else would touch you ever again.

***

You sat on the ground in total quiet. Alone for the first time in forever in the central cave. You couldn't remember who was on babysitting duty or where they'd gone. You continued knitting garbage together on your bare arms. Everyone had a cot now, but you wanted a blanket that wasn't Omni's cape after that shit he pulled last night. You'd slept against a carved bench by the fire while he tried to call you to bed. You ignored him until the only sounds you could hear were the fire and your teeth chattering.

You were exhausted and your whole body ached, and every time you fucked up the technique, you swore. It'd been getting harder to keep your emotions in check. You were always partly starving, bored, afraid for your life. You were fraying at the edges and didn't know how much more you could take.

"Hi."

You nearly jumped out of your skin. Falling forward, scraping your elbows on the cave floor, garbage fabric falling to useless shreds on the ground. You twisted, ready to bark out a kill order.

Phantom stood. Hand poised like he was going to touch your shoulder but thought better of it.

"What?" You gathered your limbs under yourself, trying to look more composed.

He notices you're slow to do so. You were not as afraid of him as the others. Unsure, reasonably so, but not enraged by his closeness. This was a good sign.

He reached into his belt. You'd never seen him turn out his pockets, had no idea what was inside. Mind racing that he was going to pull out a weapon, superhero murder gas or something of the like. Instead, he holds a small flat disc. No larger than the center of his palm.

"For you." He held his hand out, palm open, waiting for you to take it.

You ogle the thing with a frown. "It's not going to cuff around my wrists right?" You remembered the thing he'd thrown at you in Sydney. What you guessed it was but it was never confirmed to be. Remember what Scars had brought with him to subdue you. You suppress a shiver.

"No." He says, smile soft in his voice. "I used this when I knew I didn't have the time to follow a suspect." His thumb pressed on the disc's center and out popped a suction cup. Another press and it was smooth once more. "I did a lot more work for the GDA than the others."

He assumes anyway. Those lazy, immoral rats didn't care about the planet most of them grew up on. Not like Phantom did. He did everything he could to protect it. He still remembers what Dad said to him that horrible day. A sneer as he said "his hobby was cute," right after leveling their family home, after killing you. Just remembering spiked his heart rate.

He forced himself to breathe. Be level, calm. He held his arm out a little further but didn't dare touch you. Careful not to set you off, the poor, scared little mouse that you were.

"Or," he started, nervous under your attention, "to keep covert operatives safe." He flipped the disc on its side, slid a hidden track down to reveal a slim red button. "Press this and I'll be alerted. I'll come right away." He slid the hidden compartment shut and waited.

He wanted to keep an eye on you. Keep you in the palm of his creepy hand. He wanted to...

You were always in the same place. Always under threat of Scars and Lensless suddenly swooping down and snatching you up. This wasn't about stalking, it was about protecting. After all, he had saved your life from them, and your own stupid mistake.

You took the thing, slow, like you were scared if you moved too quick his predator instinct would spring and he'd grab your arm. But he holds himself perfectly still. Feeling the euphoric thrill that is your fingers grazing over his palm through kevlar. When your touch leaves, the sensation lingers.

You turn the thing over and over in your palm. Testing the weight and muttering, "Where was this a few days ago?" Before sliding into the pocket of your soldier pants. Its weight is near imperceptible but you feel it tugging at your hip. A real, solid comfort. A promise.

You realize you're being an asshole.

"Thank you." You say. Hoping he doesn't take it and his promise of protection back. Machine Head was always so quick to take privileges like that away. You worried but a lightning speed pick-pocketing doesn't occur. You relax. "For this and the other day. Those guys are uhm..." You look up through the porthole as if they'd be there waiting. They aren't. You don't want to jinx it. "It's good to have someone like you on my side."

He nods. All talked out for the day. Chest ablaze with the praise.

"It's good to have someone like you on my side."

He picked up your trash and re-knit it before you could think about doing it.

"It's good to have someone like you on my side."

He brought Gray's cache of trash to weave closer. Sat by your side and passed you pieces as you went along. Quietly enjoying your company.

"It's good to have someone like you on my side."

***

Dinner tonight was a broth of Emperor's bones to be sipped out of cups of dry clay Gray baked in the sun. He only made bowls for those two because if he didn't, they'd have an excuse to drink from yours. It was not that he cared for your comfort, why should he if you couldn't help him complete his mission but... There was no mission in this wasteland. He tells himself he's trying to keep the peace, to do the most rational thing in a hopeless situation. You were needed for morale, the others and not his of course.

You tilted the bowl to your lips and let the poor excuse for hot soup slide down your throat. Scars watched your throat bob. Wanting nothing more than to drink the liquid out of your mouth after a long day of desert dwelling with Seven. He settles for drinking his own share.

Scars is watched himself. Nobody trusts him not to try and take you to the sky again. Maybe even take you away for good. He hadn't made his move yet, but it was expected soon. For tonight, he did the same thing he had for the last week.

"Stop avoiding the question, Dregs." Piss you off on purpose, asking personal questions and making assumptions about your previous life. You didn't understand why he did it. You always shut him up and he was too pussy to attack even with Lensless in a room full of your personal bodyguards. Sometimes you thought he was getting off on bothering you, on not letting you have any sense of peace. But he barely fought back, letting you shut him up and bite back.

"Be quiet." And he was. Thank God.

Your nose hadn't started to bleed yet. Your powers should be weaker from eating less and less these last few days but you were on a roll tonight.

"Why are you getting so defensive?" Lensless baited. "We've been plenty vulnerable with you about our lives. Why can't you do the same thing for us? Just tell us who came up with the name!"

"Leave."

The cave whooshes with a rush of air. The kindling scattered to the floor. Regathered by Omni before they can burn themselves out. You nod thanks. The cave was insulated from desert night chills but it was no camping trip, you needed the fire.

You feel your control on Scars start to slip. "Stay quiet." You close your eyes. Feeling power loosen on Lensless, even at a miles distance. By now, his mind is free but his body is not. You focus. Try to keep them both evenly controlled. You'd never had a workout quite like this. Regular human beings were so easy to control you were unused to challenge. Hadn't even had any resistance from non-psychics until that day on the roof. You wouldn't say it but the exercise was welcome but you almost started looking forward to making fools of them over the nightly bonfires- showing them all you had something they couldn't control. You.

While you were focused, Mohawk hits you where it hurts. "By all means, leave those dickheads in the dark but why not tell the rest of us? We're buddies by now, yeah babe?" He knows your hold would break if you added another Mark to the roster. You can shut those assholes up, but not him.

"None of your business." You grit out through ground teeth. Feeling Lensless's mind wriggle in your hold. You clamp the mental prongs down.

He really shouldn't agitate you but you'd been avoiding him for days now. He just needed you to look at him again after that moment of union in the caves. "I think it is," Omni says.

Mohawks brows shoot up in surprise but he takes the advantage, willing to work with anyone if it meant getting under your skin. "See, babe? Everyone wants to know, even this shithead."

You scowl at Omni, concentration waning. Scars mentally slashing at your power with steely claws.

"Shut up."

"Think of it like a campfire story, ya'know. You can even change the names around if ya want." You don't budge. Mohawk pouts, "Come oooonnn, I showed you mine, you show me yours isn't that how the sayin' goes?"

"I said," your eyes snap open, control gone from the others, "shut up."

It's Mohawk's turn to go quiet. Lensless returned to the fire in a snap that again, scatters the wood. The fire is restacked before you notice a change in light.

"Idiot." You tsk at a finally shut up Mohawk.

"Did I miss anything?" Lensless asked.

"Just our dear Dregs getting defensive over the tiniest of questions." Scars said.

"I'm not defensive." You say, defensively.

"Then tell us." Mohawk goaded. Your hold already gone with your concentration.

"Yeah, I wanna know why you're so hot and evil and stuff." Lensless said.

You scowled. None of them were stopping this line of questioning. Why the hell was Mohawk working with Scars, who he tried to kill last week, to get information out of you? Why the hell weren't Phantom or Gray stopping this?

On the flip side, Phantom wanted to know. He knew you'd be upset if he asked. But the cool-headed image of him in your head wouldn't crack if he stayed quiet. When you stopped being angry you'd think it was survival move to stay quiet. Not speak against the majority.

Gray shouldn't let the tensions rise, he knew, but you were so vexing. All he needed to do was let the others crack your brain open for him.

Baldie tried to stop it, weakly. "She doesn't want to talk." Said as a mutter because he craved knowing all of you, but knew if he said nothing, you'd be pissed.

"Stop white-knighting, dude, she's not gonna fuck you." Mohawk said and that shut him up. Fighting all of them was a stupid idea. But leaving in a huff, leaving you alone, was a stupider idea. The best thing he could do was sit by your side as silent moral support. Back your play.

"I'm not fucking any of you." You say.

Mohawk scoffed. "You fucked Wonder Boy over there."

You lean forward, elbows to knees, "Yeah, and not you." That made his smirk crumple.

He forced it to bounce back. "Not yet."

"Mmm, no." You say, a lilt in your voice, "Thing is, I just don't think you're all that attractive." It's a lie but one you try to sell. Happy to bruise an ego. "I never thought the Mark in my timeline was either. With him," you jerk your head toward Omni, "I just needed stress relief and we were in the dark, so who really cares?"

Mohawk's lips purse like he'd sucked a lemon. "Funny you say that." He shifted, pulling something out of his back pocket.

Your phone. Caligula's belly flashing on the lock screen, fully charged.

"Give me that." You don't want to waste what power you have left, not yet. "How is that even working?"

"No shot." His shit-eating grin returns, "You could'a been explorin' the caves all this time, playing your stupid music-" Your eyes shift around, wondering who told. "We got crazy tech in these suits, babe. I had Art put a phone charger in mine cuz I kept missing your calls while I was workin' and you'd get pissed!" He slid the phone into a seam on his bicep, surly enough the charging sound dinged. He pulled it out. "-But you didn't think to ask cuz you're such a prissy bitch."

"You want to call me that again?" It's a dare.

One he doesn't take because he has the upper hand. "So I started goin' through ya phone." He flips it to himself and unlocks it with a swipe of the thumb. "Can't believe your passcode's the same." He laughs, tapping at the screen.

"Oh no, you beat my Tetris Lite high score." You say, because there's nothing incriminating on your phone. Aside from vague text chats with Machine Head and Isotope. "What's your point?"

"I'm so glad you asked." A few more taps and he where he wanted to be. An old photo album automatically downloaded to your phone from the cloud. You never looked at it, never cared to. Images carried over from your old phone before Machine Head issued you a new one, decked out with all sorts of encryption tech for secure messaging and calls. You didn't need pictures of your old work schedule or study notes from high school. But you never found the time or energy to delete them.

He flipped the phone over, stretched out his arm and panned the image around the circle. Letting everybody take in the truth. You, five years ago, kissing Mark's cheek, him grinning stupid at the screen. Your third or fourth date, the best so far. It had been your lock screen for months.

"Still think I'm unattractive?" Mohawk smirked.

Caught red handed. Your words catch in your throat. All of them processing what you had been to Mark. Even in the vaguest terms. Their hopeful puppy dog eyes. The memory of being happy and younger.

Mohawk started swiping through the pictures. One after another, in the short moments after the first. A cheek kiss to a lip kiss, the both of you blushing and smiling. "Doesn't this bring back memories, babe?"

Phantom feels his heart melt. He'd taken those same photos with you. Lensless had too, though with a lot more tongue. Baldie had too, but he'd been too shy to go in for a kiss on the lips. Omni was never one for selfies, thought they were a waste of time. But that didn't stop him from collecting photos, asking friends or strangers to snap some when you were out. He remembers you making fun of him for how serious he always took it. Mohawk had plenty pictures of you on his phone that he hadn't brought along. Mostly of your eyes looking up at him pleadingly, lips stretched over his cock, tears messy on red cheeks. He was deeply disappointed not to find anything similar on your phone. Scars didn't know you young, but liked where this was going. The look on your face, the rage, the humiliation- oh so sweet.

Gray did not have any photos of you. Photos for fun weren't a thing on Viltrum. Tracksuit had plenty of nudes on his phone, mostly of himself. Now, he was glad he hadn't brought his phone. A little glad he was witnessing true reality TV trash in real time but still, he felt bad for you but- come on, drama like this doesn't come around every day. Maskless watched on less enthused. Here we go, more het-slop drama. Fantastic.

"Give me that," you warn low, "give me that right now." You're saving your power now. Strategizing how to hurt him best in one big burst.

"Or what? You'll tell me to shut up?" He swipes through another photo. Mark's back to the camera, your head over his shoulder, locked in a hug. "Man," he whistles through his teeth, "you've got a lot of these. Wanna know the best part?" He asks the others, not you. "These are years old and she still has 'em-"

"I meant to delete them!" You can't help the outburst.

"And I went through 'em all, we stop showing up right around..." He stopped at your last photo of Mark. "Here. 'Bout five years ago," according to the photo app metadata. Mark sat across from the camera at a fancy dinner table. He was late to his own reservation, leaving you embarrassed and feeling like an inconsiderate dickhead. But when he came with roses in hand and you forgave him right away. You'd never been on a date like that again because not long after- you were through.

"Shit," Lensless took the phone, Mohawk let him have it, "We rock a suit, huh?"

Scars leaned over his shoulder. Frankly disgusted by how sweet his own face could look. "Rocked her right after this picture was taken I wager."

"No!" You should kill them all. Like, actually. You couldn't do them all at once though, you were deciding who to hurt.

"Why haven't you taken any pictures with him in that long, huh?" Mohawk went on. "Trouble in paradise, babe? You know, you'd never have any with me." Bullshit.

Omni took the phone out of Lensless's hand. Swiped through the photos himself. You looked so sweet, so happy, and alive. Nothing like you did now, with your dead-tired eyes and permanent scowl. He knew what happened to you in vague terms, the jail sentence and the subsequent assassin position. He jumped to the conclusion that this dimensions version of him was a stupid fuck up who didn't put a ring on it, and couldn't protect you from the world. He'd given up on you like a fool. But it was lucky for him, he supposed. He knew for sure now, despite your denials of his love, you could and would love him back. One day.

"We were friends." You lie back, "He was just affectionate-"

"Friends?" Mohawk cackles, "Yeah, cuz I tongue-fuck all my homies. Really, babe? I thought you'd come up with something better than that. What? Are you embarrassed?" Clearly, you were. "Cuz you kept alllll these pictures after he broke up with you?" It's a guess but dead on.

The quiet rage is confirmation enough.

There is a collective internal glow of pride in everyone. You were in love with him at some point. Some part of you kept the evidence. You could love him back, the collective thought. Save for Tracksuit and Maskless, who were both thinking this was a little much. Who both felt bad for you. Who both knew they'd rip Mohawk's skin off if they were in your shoes, but make no move to do so.

Mohawk didn't know when to stop, slinking forward to get in your face. "Aww, baby... Are you still in love with him? That's so stupid and sad."

"Punch yourself in the balls. Hard as you can."

You feel a rush of air and he's on the floor, writhing, clutching his family jewels, tears pricking the edges of his eyes before you can process your nose starting to bleed. You wobble on your feet, avoiding Baldie's balancing touch. You turn to Omni with Gray hovering behind him. Feeling things he couldn't truly explain.

You say, "Crush it." Before you consider that you'd need the flashlight.

Glass and metal splinter to the ground. Omni opened his hand, impressed you controlled him like that, but he doesn't think it'll happen again. Blood is coming out your nose in thick drops now. You wipe them away with the back of your hand. Head starting to throb as you walk slow, purposeful back to Mohawk. Still groaning.

You kneel. Everyone falling away but the two of you. Him in sweet, glorious pain, and you high off his agony. "You wanna know who gave me that name so bad?" His face is to the ground, trying to hide how much it hurts like the tough guy he is. You grab his hair in your fist, pulling his head up easily because despite everything, he'd always melt in to your touch. "You did."

They want answers so bad- they'll get 'em.

"My boss Machine Head, that robo-dick I murdered- he took it and ran with it because it upset me. You said I was the dregs of society- something stupid like that- and left me to rot. He thought it was so funny Dregs, his de facto murder-torture guy, isn't that nice? I was his favorite, you know? Machine Head always had these fucked up requests and I'd do it because I didn't care. I knew he wouldn't check, not because he trusted me, but because he knew I had nothing else. One guy, I made him skin himself alive with a potato peeler. Got pretty far before his body shut down. Another, I made him choose who to shoot first, his wife or his mistress- they both died, yeah, but man, him turning on his wife like that? Crazy." You didn't mean to ramble but you were. You were just so pent-up and angry, that a reminder of your Mark, the life you could've had, had you unwinding yard by yard. It was easy letting their flawed logic win for once, and it felt damn good. They had hurt you.

"I could've been something. When I met Cecil, he wanted me to work for him. Mark could've made that happen, but he let me fuck around New York murdering people for some drug-running robot dickhead." Mohawk's eyes began to clear of pain. Were rapt on you and your anger and how transparently awful you were. "I loved him so much, and now-" He's looking at you like he loves you and you hate it; say the nastiest thing you can think of, "If I ever get back, I'm killing his family, starting with that dumb bitch Eve. So no, you stupid motherfucker, I'm never going to love you and I'm never letting you fuck me."

You stand, emboldened by the silence. "Any more questions?" You only look at Mohawk. Curled, clutching his balls, but slowly, purposefully smiling at you.

"I think that about covers it." He says, voice weedy.

"Can you do me next?" Lensless asked.

You were sapped of power. Couldn't if you wanted to. You also shouldn't, he'd cum but still, he'd hurt and you wanted them all to hurt. You say nothing, gather up a premade torch. Held it out to Tracksuit to light with friction- much quicker than the fire that didn't much like damp-ish cloth. He does, no questions asked. He'd also want to take a hike after all that.

You picked a cave and started. Not before saying, "Fuck you all."

Then you were off. You don't let yourself stop and cry until you were triple sure you were out of hearing range. Even then, you go further, further, until your torch burnt down to the quick and singed your hand. You drop it, clasping the skin, crumbling to the ground as the first angry tears sprang forth.

You hated them. You wanted them to die but you needed them to survive. Why couldn't they just be normal? Couldn't they understand you were a different person? And now they knew your dirty secret. Sure to hold it over your neck like a guillotine.

You'd scream but they'd hear. Come running. Come mocking. So you sob as quietly as you can into your hands.

"I'm sorry he did that to you." He says.

You jump. Grab the smoldering remains of the torch off the ground and throw it at the voice, despite how it burns your hand. "Go away!"

The torch bounced off Baldie's chest, fell to the ground, all light dead on impact.

"I know you're upset but..." He knows Phantom is near. Lurking. Can hear his mostly disguised breathing. He'd left after you when the bickering fizzled and Lensless and Scars left out of boredom. Phantom followed because he knew- Baldie had made up his mind.

"Upset? I'm not upset!" You forcefully rub at your cheeks. "This is nothing."

He frowns, though you can't see it. "I have something to show you."

"I don't care." You say. "I don't want to see anything that isn't Mark's dead body. Okay? Just-" You take a wobbly breath, "Fuck off. I can't do this anymore."

The admission almost pulls a sob out of you, and you have to fight to hold it in.

"I know," it's soft, "I know, that's why I need to show you. You don't have to see any of them."

You're fighting to hold in sobs, barely processing what he says, "Please. Just go."

"(Y/n) I-"

"Die." You splutter without power, "Just drop dead or go away. I'm done." Soon as the words come out your hands go to your head. You almost did it again. You didn't want him to die, not really.

The sobs come harder. You're hysterical. Soon to crack and scream and then he wouldn't be alone with you anymore.

He scoops you up in his arms. Apologizing, keeping his grip gentle as possible as he flew deeper into the caves. Back to the hidden entrance he'd visited and re-visited since Phantom told him of its existence. You beat your fists against his chest, his neck, his face, but he couldn't be angry at you. He was angry at them for making you feel so low.

He doesn't speak as he moves the rock, floating inside, and sealing the tomb behind you both. He sees Phantom's silhouette as the rock slid flush to the wall. An agreement passed quietly between them.

You heard movement, unable to place the exact sound. Like Styrofoam peanuts squeaking past one another. But there was no way there'd be Styrofoam peanuts here. You blink, looking around but seeing nothing in the absolute dark. The air felt different here, wetter, smelling of sod and sulfur.

"One sec." He said, floating down to the ground with the least amount of creepy-crawlies. In the times he'd come back, he started the beginnings of a camp. Stole away supplies from Gray's material cache to make your own cots. Picked a spot a few feet up from the bug rivers where you could watch but be in no danger if you decided to hop down and explore.

He clacked two rocks together. Sparks rained as the fire pit he'd built lit. He blew, added more kindling from the pile he'd prepared, nurtured the fire in a matter of milliseconds. The light illuminated the cavern around you, but your eyes could barely process what you were seeing.

You were beside her, yards away. Sat in a high chair at her bug court. The massive white thing that was some mutated sand-mite-termite-whatever-the-fuck queen. She did not notice or care about the fire. Did not mind your sudden presence. Her mandibles twitched as her children flitted in and out of her mouth.

"What the fuck?"

Your brain doesn't even think of food. Water. Too stuck on the giant bug. But you know what it means, these are the first living creatures you'd seen since arriving over three weeks ago.

"We can stay here." He says soft behind you, sure to give plenty of space for you to process. "We have everything we need." You don't reply, jaw dropped open, taking in the sight. The bugs skittering in and out of their dens set into the walls. "You don't have to go back and deal with them ever again."

It's like a dream come true. Too good to be true.

You don't feel yourself speak. "They'll come looking."

"They haven't found this place yet and if we stay quiet, they won't. But I'll be honest, I didn't find this place myself. Someone else did."

You turn, eyes wide, "Who?" God, don't say Scars. Don't say Lensless.

"He wants to tell you himself." He knew it'd matter to you who it was, but Phantom asked him not to tell. He was cagey about why. "But he's helping us. I think tomorrow he'll stage your disappearance and join us. It's nobody bad, I promise."

"I-" You look back to the bugs, undulating below. None of them cared you existed. Minding their own buggy business, not begging you for sex or love or attention. If Baldie brought you here they were likely not venomous. They didn't attack or swarm or even run away. "We'll really be safe here?"

"I'll make sure of it." He said.

Something in you breaks. Resolve or dignity.

Because you lunge at Baldie, tears returning. Stuff your face to his chest, arms going tight around his forearms and middle. The hopelessness that'd become a part of your everyday slowing leaching out in his hold.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," it's muffled against his chest. His arms wriggle easily out of your hold and drape over your back. He pulls you closer, inhaling your scent, feeling your skin, and is at peace.

"It's alright, I've got you."

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lesbianmarrow · 10 months ago

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augh. rewatched btvs 5x22 scene where spike & buffy go to buffy's house to get weapons before the big showdown. them having to retrieve weapons is such an amusingly flimsy excuse to have them go to her house so we can have the scene where she invites him in + he promises to protect dawn + "i know you'll never love me" speech. i love a paper-thin excuse to put 2 characters in a room together. especially when those characters are buffy and spike!!!!!!!!!!!!

it really is so striking the way spike refrains from asking buffy to let him in even though he would be perfectly justified in doing so as it's obvious that buffy has forgotten he's not allowed in. i think part of it is that he wants to make it clear that he will respect the boundaries she has set with him. but i also think part of it is that he doesn't wanna feel the pain of being rejected again, because that fucking hurt. if he doesn't ask then he doesn't have to hear her say no again. it shows how head over heels he is for her and how much he has changed since the beginning of the season, when he was challenging her boundaries so much.

spike's expression when he's walking thru the doorway......it's so endearing and some really great acting from james marsters. first surprise and disbelief, then glee which spike is trying very hard to restrain because these are grave times. and yet he can't help feeling so joyous that buffy trusts him. he glances as the doorway like he's thinking "ah yes what a nice house" which makes me laugh because it's so stupid but also sweet. i think it's him trying to play it cool and doing a not so good job of it. there's such a lightness to him - it reminds me of the feeling when you think you did something to upset your friend a few days ago and you're anxious that they've been angry with you all this time and you finally gain the courage to ask them about you and it turns out they were never angry or upset at all. the giddy relief you feel.

and then there's that little moment of tension where they're standing so close together and you think something might happen but then spike breaks off and goes to the weapons chest and starts rambling about what they should take. it's so notable that it's him who gets nervous and moves away. so different from the way he behaved with her in fool for love, getting up in her space and trying to make her admit she had feelings for him. he's accepted that she'll never love him back, and moments like this where it feels like maybe there could be something between them are too painful, so he disrupts the moment. moves away.

jumping to the end of the scene - i love that buffy is on the stairs when spike does his little speech. she's physically above him. "you're beneath me." not only that, she's ascending, just as she ascends at the end of the episode, accessing a level of heroism that spike will never be able to meet. rewatching this part, spike's expression really surprised me. when he says "i know you'll never love me," he doesn't look at all bitter or resentful. his face is open, understanding, compassionate, and thankful. because that's what this speech is - he's thanking her for treating him better than he deserves. he's so grateful for the respect and trust she has given him. it has been truly transformative, as we've seen. only he doesn't get to the actual thanking part, because he cuts himself off, saying he'll wait for her down here. i think he cuts himself off because he realizes that this isn't what buffy needs to hear right now. she's got an enormous battle to prepare for, and a sister to save, and spike's feelings simply aren't important. so he stops mid-sentence for her sake. i think we're meant to understand that the only reason he started to say this at all is that he really thinks he might die tonight and it could be his last chance to let her know what it has meant to him to be treated like a person capable of doing good.

i've focused on what's going thru spike's head in this post bc i think buffy is a lot harder to read here. which is interesting bc sarah michelle gellar as buffy is so expressive that usually you can always tell exactly what buffy is thinking. but when she's with spike in these episodes toward the end of season 5 it's difficult to tell how she regards him. i think a lot of the time even she doesn't really understand how she feels about him. their relationship is so paradoxical. she relies on him but she reviles him. she wants him around but she finds him intolerable. i might rewatch the scene again and make another post about what might be going thru buffy's head, but for now i'll leave it at saying that i kind of love how spike's feelings for buffy are crystal clear to us and buffy's feelings for spike are much murkier. spike started out as this cool mysterious antagonist, whereas buffy has always been the protagonist and we're constantly seeing things from her point of view and being made to understand how she feels. so it's kind of fun to see that flipped a little bit. and it also rings really true for me how buffy in this moment is like, i have 5 billion things to be worrying about right now, i cannot even begin to process whatever feelings i may or may not have regarding spike. and with all of that said........there really is a softness to the way she treats him in this scene. and it's nice.

anyway. these two ✌️ gonna go jump off a tall tall tower

#LONG ASS POST. sorry. they compelled me #buffy summers #spike #spuffy #btvs #syl posts

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makeyoumine69 · 6 months ago

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helloo, can you do something like where patrick has a crush on you but your with someone else, how do you think he’ll react?

𝐀/𝐍: Hello dear anon! Thank you for your ask!💕

𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐊𝐒: [MASTERLIST]🪓

Thoughts: Well, if we're talking about the canonical version of Patrick, he probably wouldn't care if you had a partner, because this man saw no obstacles on his way to the object of his obsession. It could also be that Bateman would first try to get to know you better and find useful information about your partner to play around with. This bastard would manipulate the facts and try to gaslight you, he would try to instill the idea of you breaking up with your date as if it was your own decision. But if you still didn't buy it, Patrick might eventually turn to what he was so good at—killing people he didn't like.

Drabble:

Sitting on one of the benches in Central Park, you watched Patrick walk back and forth in front of you, his hands hidden in the pockets of his dark blue coat.

"I still don't understand one thing," the man murmured thoughtfully, glancing at the cloudy sky from time to time. "You told me your partner didn't treat you right. And I remember it so well, you can't fool me by saying that you didn't."

You rolled your eyes in annoyance. "Uh, if I only knew that you would use all my words against me... I would never tell you this," you replied, but there was no negativity in your tone, just a slight hint of nervousness. "My partner...he's a complicated person and we're having a really hard time in our relationship...but that doesn't mean I'm going to have an affair behind their back." You explained, and it made him stop pacing and focus his attention entirely on you and you alone. "Although... I do enjoy spending time with you."

Oh, that little praise of yours was like balm to his ego. Bateman grinned haughtily and gave you a devious glance. "Of course you do," his low chuckle, the way he smiled as if he already had you in his hands, only caused more anger to build up in your chest, but you managed to keep your composure. "I doubt your dear friend will ever be able to take you to the places I have... do they even know about it? About all the dinners, launches...dates we've had?"

"They weren't dates!" You retorted and quickly got to your feet to face him, and even though you tried to look confident next to him, his looming figure still made you weak in the knees. "We never kissed, we never... I never even thought about it!"

"Really?"

A broad, foxy smile still played on his smug face, and it became even more cheeky as he took a step closer to you, almost brushing your noses. The unexpected closeness hit you like a sunstroke in the middle of fall, it was abnormal and you didn't even know how to react. Patrick's lips were only a few inches away from yours, they looked so plump and kissable, but then you shook off all the little thoughts about how his lips would feel when the two of you finally kissed.

"Patrick, we can't," you turned your head to the side in protest at the last moment, and Bateman pecked your cheek instead. "Uh...listen..."

"No, you listen to me," the man cut you off and placed both hands on your shoulders, their weight feeling oddly comforting, almost euphoric. "You say you need them so much, yet you keep seeing me," his words were only a whisper as he drew near your ear, the heat of his steady breathing scorching your skin. "Something's definitely not right. Don't you think so?"

Your mind was a total mess, at some point you even felt disgusted because Patrick was right. Your current relationship had come to a standstill, and your partner wasn't really trying to fix it. Such relationships were only draining, but did you really know Bateman well? What kind of man was he? Money and wealth could make almost any person act like a master of the world, but the nature of Patrick's arrogance was different and twisted.

Tilting his head to the side, Bateman tittered and slowly, almost imperceptibly, pressed the knuckles of his hand against your cheek. "I know you have a big heart, darling," he muttered, leaning closer, his thumb tracing invisible spirals along your jawline. "And I know you even care about people like your partner, but they don't deserve it, believe me. It will do them good... if you gently tell them that it is all over. You don't want them to get bruised, right?"

Why did his words sound so... disturbing?

Ignoring the knotting feeling in your stomach, you didn't flinch and let him plant another kiss on your burning cheek, the sweet scent of his cologne wafting around you like a cobweb, binding you to him and you could swear you were literally paralyzed for a moment.

"I need... I need some time to think things over," you finally managed to say, raising your dizzy eyes to his walnut ones. "If you really...are interested in me, I hope you will understand and give me some space."

He hummed at first, but didn't remove his hand from your face; in fact, he placed another hand on the back of your neck to hold you in place. Then the man pulled you closer so that you nestled against his strong chest as he hugged you tightly.

"Well, hmmm, I guess you're right," Patrick's heart was thumping against his ribcage and you could literally feel it, somehow surprised that men like him could have hearts at all. "But don't make me wait long."

And there you fell into this man's trap.

P.S. Thank you for reading until the end! I don’t have a taglist. You can follow my writing community to know when I update!💞

#american psycho #patrick bateman x reader #patrick bateman imagine #patrick bateman #patrick bateman x female reader #patrick bateman x you #slasher x reader #slashers x reader #slasher x you #patrick bateman headcanon #christian bale x reader #patrick bateman reader #christian bale #patrick bateman imagines #patrick bateman x male reader

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munchmemes · 1 year ago

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chappell roan lyrics, the rise and fall of a midwest princess edition ( + bonus 'good luck, babe!' for reasons )

▸ same old story, time again. got so close but then you lost it. ▸ i'm so sick of online love. ▸ um, can you play a song with a fucking beat? ▸ you're lying to your friends about how [they're] such a goddamn good lover. ▸ you got what you wanted so stop feeling sorry. ▸ you know what i mean and you know what you need. and so do they! but does it happen? no! ▸ you showed me things i didn't know. ▸ i just want you to make a move. so, slow down, sit down, it's new. ▸ i just wanna get to know ya. guess i didn't quite think it through. ▸ i fell in love with the thought of you. ▸ baby, why don't you come over? ▸ i like what you like. ▸ want me to fuck you? baby, i will 'cause i really want to. ▸ well, back at my house i got a california king. okay, maybe it's a twin bed and some roommates. ▸ let's make this bed get squeaky. ▸ my mama said nothing good happens when it's late and you're dancing alone. ▸ this is what i wanted, this is what i like. ▸ i kinda wanna kiss your [girl/boy]friend if you don't mind. ▸ i love a little drama, let's start a bar fight. ▸ everything good happens after midnight. ▸ i really want your hands on my body. ▸ that's my type of fun, that's my kind of party. ▸ i'll meet you for coffee 'cause if we have wine, you'll say that you want me and i know that's a lie. ▸ if i didn't love you, it would be fine. ▸ every place leads back to your place. ▸ i'd rather feel something than nothing at all so ... ▸ we've done this before and i don't need it anymore. ▸ it's never just coffee. ▸ i've heard so many rumors. that i'm just a [girl] that you bang on your couch. ▸ i thought you thought of me better. someone you couldn't lose. ▸ is it casual now? ▸ it's hard being casual. ▸ i try to be the chill [girl] but honestly i'm not. ▸ i hate that i let this drag on so long, now i hate myself. ▸ you know what they say: never waste a friday night one a first date. ▸ not overdramatic, i know what i want.

▸ we're hot, we're drunk. ▸ at every party, we're the party. ▸ get up off your feet, get up on that bar. ▸ i could be the one or your new addiction. ▸ call me hot, not pretty. ▸ i try not to care but it hurts my feelings. ▸ who knew that we'd let it get this bad when it ended? ▸ i heard it from [NAME], you're losing it lately. ▸ people say i'm jealous but my kink is watching you ruining your life. ▸ people say i'm jealous but my kink is karma. ▸ wishing you the best, in the worst way. ▸ it's hot when you're going through hell and you're hating yourself, i'm feeling myself. ▸ do you picture me like i picture you? ▸ i'm too scared to say half of the things i do when i picture you. ▸ i guess we could pretend we didn't cross a line. ▸ if you really wanna leave, i'll never make you stay. ▸ whatever you decide, i will understand. ▸ love is a kaleidoscope. how it works we'll never know. ▸ i know you wanted me to stay but i can't ignore the crazy visions. ▸ i'm having wicked dreams. ▸ every night's another reason why i left it all. ▸ don't think i've left you all behind. i still love you and you're always on my mind. ▸ god, what have you done? ▸ i'm gonna keep on dancing. ▸ i'd love if you knew you were on my mind constant like cicadas in the summertime. ▸ we could go to hell but we'll probably be fine. ▸ we're an inch away from more than just friends. ▸ won't you fucking touch me? ▸ if it hasn't happened yet then maybe you should go. ▸ to think i almost had it going but i let you down. ▸ too hard to find reasons to stay. even true love could not persuade. ▸ come get me out. ▸ sometimes i scare myself but i can't help what i can't help. ▸ i fantasize what we would do. ▸ some good girls do bad things too. ▸ i wants this like a cigarette. can we drag it out and never quit? ▸ oh my god, you are heaven-sent. ▸ you can say that we are nothing but you know the truth. ▸ guess i'm the fool. ▸ i don't wanna call it off but you don't wanna call it love. ▸ good luck, babe! ▸ you'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling. ▸ i'm cliche, who cares? ▸ when you wake up next to him in the middle of the night with your head in your hands, you're nothing more than his wife. ▸ you know i hate to say it, i told you so.

#rp meme #rp starters #lyrics rp starters #sentence starters #lyrics starters #roleplay meme #lyrics rp meme #lyrics meme #ask meme #chappell roan lyrics rp starters #chappell roan lyrics rp meme

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sanders1665 · 3 months ago

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This is it, isn’t it? The circus. The freak show. The eternal dance of charlatans, each one slapping a smile on their faces and promising salvation with a wink and a nod. They're all the same—slick tongues, rehearsed moves, pushing agendas wrapped in false righteousness. It doesn't matter which side you're on, who you cheer for. The game is rigged from the start, a twisted performance where everyone’s pretending they know what's best for the "common folk" they couldn't care less about.

Take the big players at the top. One’s out here like a king from a distant empire, strutting around with an ego so large it needs its own zip code. He’s convinced the world will bend to his vision, like some cosmic joke only he’s in on. Maybe he’s right. Who knows? He's built something—sure, it’s a house of cards, but it’s his house of cards. It’s hard not to laugh at the absurdity, but damn, the man’s confidence is a thing to behold, even if it’s all smoke and mirrors.

Then there’s the other guy, the one who looks like he might pull off the greatest scam in history—or, if we're all lucky, the most radical shift the human race has seen. There's a part of me that wonders if he's playing us, just another magician with a deck of cards hidden up his sleeve. But there’s another part that quietly hopes—hopes—that maybe, just maybe, he’s got a plan. A real plan, one that could change the very fabric of who we are. God, wouldn't that be something?

But how? How’s all that supposedly saved money gonna translate into something that benefits the rest of us, the ones out here trying to survive the daily grind? You can only squeeze so much out of a stone before it cracks.

And yet, here we are—straddling two extremes, stuck in the middle of a mess made by those who never truly understand us. Politicians, pundits, the whole damn lot. They talk like they’re holding the keys to the kingdom, but what they're really holding is a script. A script they hope we’ll buy into, while they rake in the benefits. You can't fool me, no matter how charming your smile is. They never look you in the eyes when they say I mean it.

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moooncats · 1 year ago

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✿ Astrology Observations ✿

✿ Through the eye's of a Virgo 🧿 ✿

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✿ Sun in Aries ✿

Funny, Confident, Fighter lmaoo (don't talk ish about anyone they consider family cause they'll knuck and buck in 2.5 seconds bwahaha), Attractive!!! 🔥🔥 Aries are usually loud/opinionated and have this lets live life like its the last day we're alive. They are usually the ones who will dance like theres nobody watching hahah very tik tok star vibes. Go go go energy. You guys love to travel! ✈️ Its giving me Carmen Sandiego Vibes. ʕ￫ᴥ￩ʔ

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✿ Sun in Leo ✿

Popular (Irl & Online), Funny af never met a leo that wasn't good at jokes. Great hair/makeup/style 💅 oh and music taste gives me hype in the club vibes. Creative! Never met a leo that didnt dabble in the arts. Ya'll really love to spoil your love ones and friends and as a virgo I appreciate you! Seriously so sweet and caring. Gift giving is most likely your love language. (✿◠‿◠)♡ I would also like to add SOOO good at making food/pastries like this one leo friend I had would make flipping macarons in hs and they were BUSSIN BUSSIN. I also know its super hard to make them? Like sheeesh your creativity never fails to make a presence! Keep it up my lovely leos! ♡

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✿ Sun in Capricorn ✿

2-3 jobs lmfaoooo, boujee, yall are secretly freaky af!!! Most capricorns I know have only fans on the side yall aint fooling no one with that good girl fascade hehe do you tho! Make that money puuur. 💰💋 Homebodies unless they're out with their lover yall settle down QUICKKK bwahah. 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 It's giving me I'm busy at work and I'll get to you when I get to you vibes. 🫡 Also lets not forget most Capricorns I know are lowkey know it alls! Lmfao yall try to hide it but your expression gives it all away. There was this Capricorn that I could never beat at Skip Bo (a card game) she really knew the in's and out's of all numbers. ʕ￫ᴥ￩ʔ So quirky!

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✿ Sun in Taurus ✿

Grounded, Stable, FOODIES. If they cook or share food with you they really fucks with you. Can be stubborn but I think it's awesome they just know what they like and its usually of ✨️ higher taste✨️. IYKYK. Lover of art but usually natural art or anything natural. Anything to do with the 5 senses they are IN THERE LIKE SWIMWEAR. Homebodies af. Sleep is their go to de stresser with eating, skin care, spas, hikes, anything nature that looks beautiful lmao it's giving me ethereal fairy vibes. (๑ > ᴗ < ๑)

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✿ Sun in Scorpio ✿

Always needs to be the coolest person in the room, secretly wants to be loved but has high AF standards lol. Usually has lots of piercings/tattoos they LOVE to color their hair lmao. Probably can be the spoke person for Manic Panic or any other hair dye company. Scorpios can drag someone to filth and it always makes me laugh cause they're straight up and to the point with it. They don't just spend their time with anybody they're picky af. 🤷🏾‍♀️ Most scorpios I know are in the LGBTQ community. It's giving me I know I'm the prize and I'm cool as shit vibes. ʕ⊙ᴥ⊙ʔ

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✿ Sun in Cancer ✿

Loves to match vibes with people, usually quiet unless they feel comfortable with the energy, good afff music taste deadass I can play any song from my random playlist and they'll know it word for word haha. That's about it tho- sorry I don't really know much about cancers personally. It's giving me- very nice and formal vibes & will understand the assignment (can be loud/chill/outgoing/whatever you want them to be) vibes. 🦀🦎 Chameleon.

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✿ Sun in Aquarius ✿

Eccentric AF in a good way bwahaha ʕ⊙ᴥ⊙ʔ, very IDGAF energy we loveee, caring they only bad mouth people who have wronged them in a bad way other than that- they usually can see both sides of a situation yall give good advice, very humanitarian vibes. Aqua's also are so good at technology! Leave it to an Aqua to find information on ANYONE on the internet they keep receipts also lmfao. Most Aquas I know are apart of the LGBTQ community. 🏳️‍🌈 It's giving me Alien hacker/detective vibes. 👽 Also side note, every aqua I know eats this one thing thats soooo random for ex one of my besties, eats pizza with no cheese just sauce and veggies lol. Random af I love it.

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✿ Sun in Pisces ✿

Never met a pisces who didn't sing lmao! Come thru vocals (you're going to hollywood!). Yall usually draw too or do poetry/sew/paint anything artistic. ╰( ▪‿▪)╮ Yooo I noticed yall always have drug addictions too tho. I honestly think that's why your head be up in the clouds/ lost in the sea void 24/7 😆 Quick Tip: Did you know that when you're under the influence things just hit harder? So why be in that toxic relationship/situation and intensify your emotions when you know it'll be harder to come back from it as a water sign... ahhh. Lemme give you a hug you'll get through this! 🫂 It's giving me XXXTentacion Vibes (listen to his lyrics you'll get the vibes yuh). 💀 Seriously Pisces lemme give you another hug. 🫂 I'm rooting for you, you'll get out of the haze surely enough.

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✿ Sun in Libra ✿

Boujeeeeee!! Never met a libra that didn't dress nice af. Usually uniquely too. Hair game is always on fleek. Yall love to play devils advocate though. I don't think I've ever had any libra talk bad about anyone they were friends with they're loyal and good vibes. Libra's can also be sooo funny!╰(◕ᗜ◕)╯ They love to make everyone feel included so they will play the part to make sure people aren't left out. It's giving me Actor vibes. Also most libra's I know smoke mary jane 🍁 and are on top with their workout routine. Lmfao munchies who??¿ Also Libra's are a lover of beauty never seen a libra date someone who wasnt aesthetically pleasing to the 👁🖼. It's giving me main character/actor Vibes.

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✿ Sun in Gemini ✿

SMARTTTT. Yall know so much in that head of yours. Seriously never had a boring conversation ever with a gemini, great story tellers as well! So effing creative, If you really get to know a Gemini you'll find that they're so good at every flipping hobby like I honestly feel like their mind is hardwired differently from most people. Also very friendly and CHILL. (ﾉ��ڡ≦) It's giving me, Golden retriever vibes! 🐕

(Sorry reached the gif limit but picture a cute fluffy doggie! Nyaaa! (: )

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✿ Sun in Saggitarius ✿

VERY ACTIVE/OUTDOORSY but accident prone bwahaha! Why are yall always in the damn hospital or sick? 😅 (ᓀ‸ᓂ) Be careful while skating/doing sports/LIVING damn. GOOFFFYYYYYY. Yall have jokes for days lmao. You know so much about philosophy and other topics its refreshing to have deep non surface conversations with you. As a virgo it's giving me if I was stuck on an island I would survive and probably understand the hidden meaning of life in a fever dream I had from eating poisonous berries vibes. 😆🫐

(Sorry reached the gif limit but imagine a cute wandering explorer not caged down by society! ╰( ▪‿▪)╮ Yuhh)

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✿ Sun in Virgo ✿

Wallflowers.(๑･◡･) We love to observe everyone/everything while also making sure we look the part. We can deadass find anything that's lost. 🔍 Lover of art as well, we love anything to do with the aestethics. Book worms 🐛haha, also we always have one thing/hobby that were really in to that we focus on almost 24/7 in a weird obssesive way. This can be good and bad. Good if its a hobby, bad if its a person RIP. Most virgos I know are popular and chill gives me grounded vibes. It's giving me I'm okay with being a side character unless you want me to be the main character then I'll pop off vibes.

(Sorry ran out of gifs but imagine a hermit who was idulging in books and anything that could make them better themselves as a person ʕ·ᴥ·ʔ)

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✿ Mahalo for reading my 2nd ever tumblr post! How exciting. Hope you all enjoyed this, it was really fun to articulate my feelings as a Virgo sun. Who knows, maybe I'll make more astrology observations hehe. Till then, take care my beautiful earth angels! Moooncats out. (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.) ✿

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doumadono · 1 year ago

Note

EMERGENCY REQUEST

could you do sero, kaminari, and kirishima (all seperate) comforting an s/o who struggles with major depression? she masks really well so no one knows she’s struggling to feel any sort of emotion at all, but whenever she messes up or doesnt get a good grade, everyone around her calls her lazy, says she isnt trying hard enough. i’ve really been struggling with this lately. thank you <3

Sero, Denki & Kirishima with s/o struggling with depression - headcanons

EMERGENCY REQS MASTERLIST

Sero

Late at evening, in the quiet corners of the shared dorm, Sero notices your distant gaze as you stare blankly at your textbooks.

Sero sits down beside you. "Hey, you okay? You've been kinda distant lately."

You offer a weak smile, "Yeah, just tired, I guess."

Sero isn't buying it. He wraps an arm around your shoulder casually, "Come on, spill it. You can't fool me, Y/N."

You take a deep breath, unsure if you should open up, but his easygoing demeanor encourages you. "It's just... I'm struggling, Hanta. People think I'm lazy, but it's like I can't feel anything."

Sero listens attentively, understanding dawning on his face. "You don't have to carry all that alone, you know? We're here for you, me and the others. Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning, and everyone thinks I'm lazy or not trying hard enough when that's not the case... I feel trapped... And I didn't want to be a bother."

Sero leans in, offering a comforting hug and a little peck to your cheek. "Y/N, lend me your ear for a moment. You're genuinely one of the most resilient individuals I've ever known, and I truly admire that about you. Life has a way of throwing challenges our way, and despite our best efforts, there are moments when achieving top grades or succeeding in every aspect seems elusive. But you know what? That's absolutely okay! You deserve kindness from yourself, especially during those times. Embrace the imperfections, and be gentler with your own journey. I love you for who you are. And you're far from being a bother to me."

A gentle smile graces your lips in response to your boyfriend's heartfelt words as you gaze at him. "You're always so sweet to me, Hanta…"

He smirks, pulling you into a warm embrace. "I can appreciate every bit of you, imperfections and all. To me, you're perfect with every single one of them."

Denki

Kaminari notices your distant demeanor during class, and one day, after a particularly tough exam, he catches you alone in the courtyard. "Hey, you okay? You seemed kinda down in there."

You brush it off, "Just stressed, you know? College is tough."

Kaminari grins, "But seriously, if you ever need to talk, I'm here, babygirl." The gravity of the situation you're currently facing hasn't fully dawned on him yet.

It takes a while, but one day, you find yourself sharing your struggles with him after the lectures. "People think I'm not trying, but it's like I can't find the energy to care."

Kaminari's eyes soften. "You're not lazy, okay? Sometimes things get tough, but you're not alone. You have me by your side, yeah?"

"I understand, but you've got your own burdens to bear, and I don't want to pile on more…" you murmur, head bowed, as you both walk back to the dorm hand in hand.

Kaminari's hand tightens around yours, his fingers entwining with yours. "Sweetheart, you should have shared this with me sooner. I'd find a way to support you. Promise me, never keep things from me, alright?"

"But, Denki…"

"Shush, shush, baby."

As you share your struggles with the constant pressure and the fear of judgment, Kaminari offers a supportive smile. "You know, sometimes I feel like I'm not the brightest either, but it's okay. We all have our strengths. It doesn't define you."

Denki comes to a sudden stop, gently drawing you into a warm, encompassing hug. His arms wrap around you snugly, and he rests his chin tenderly on top of your head. "I have complete faith in you. You're incredibly intelligent, and I beg you not to be too harsh on yourself, my beautiful smartie."

Gently cradling your face in his hands, he guides your gaze towards him. Leaning in, he tenderly presses his lips against yours, savoring the moment. Breaking the kiss, he whispers softly, "You can count on me. I'm here to support you."

Eijiro

Kirishima, ever the embodiment of strength and resilience, notices the subtle signs of your struggle. One day, after a training session, he catches you on your way out. "Hey, mind sparing a moment?"

You hesitate but decide to open up. "It's just that people think I'm not trying hard enough, and it's hard to prove them wrong, Eijiro."

His sincere concern is evident as you share your feelings. Kirishima nods, understanding. "I get it. But you don't have to prove anything to anyone. You're the best the way you are. We're a team, and I've got your back."

It takes time, but you slowly unravel more of your struggles to him. "I'm just so tired all the time, Eijiro."

Kirishima places a hand on your shoulder, giving a reassuring squeeze. The red-haired man nods, understanding the pressure to always appear strong. "You don't have to carry it all alone, you know. It's okay to let someone in."

As you emerge from the locker room, having changed into your regular clothes, you find Kirishima standing in the corridor, leaning casually against a wall.

His eyes light up as he spots you, and a warm smile graces his face. "There you are, sweetpie! Come on! I'm taking you for mochi!" he declares, enthusiasm evident in his voice.

A slight frown caresses your forehead as you consider the time constraints. "But we need to get back to the dorm…"

Kirishima reassures you with a playful grin, "Don't worry, I talked with Aizawa-sensei, and we have an hour. So, better let's move!" His excitement is contagious, and you find yourself unable to resist the invitation to a spontaneous mochi adventure.

On the path to the quaint restaurant nestled just around the corner from U.A., Kirishima walks beside you, his hand firmly entwined with yours. Absentmindedly, he traces soothing circles on the back of your hand with his thumb, a comforting rhythm in sync with your steps.

As you approach the entrance, he stops, turning to face you with a genuine warmth in his eyes. "I love you, Y/N," Kirishima declares, his voice a steady anchor. "It pains me to see that you've been concealing your true feelings for such an extended period, allowing the weight to accumulate within you. Please, always remember, you can come to me and share your struggles. I promise to be there for you, helping you find a way out of whatever challenges life throws your way."

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chaifootsteps · 11 months ago

Note

I think the thing that really gets me about how Viv has written Stolas is that, on top of everything else, it's been several months of in-universe time

So Ozzie's happens at the end of s1 and it looks like Stolas is having a 'what have I done?' moment on the stairs. The next time we see him, The Circus confirms it's the morning after when he wakes up with a hangover. From there it's kind of hard to tell if he's already decided to end the deal or not and he already creeps back to blaming Blitzo for his own romantic delusions ('I'm the fool who believes when you look in my eyes', implying Blitzo ever gave him reason to assume there was something between them when he spent a whole season being annoyed by Stolas)

Anyway, Full Moon confirms several months pass while Stolas is trying to arrange the crystal. He takes a good step of letting Blitzo take breaks from the deal, but the less positive step of sending wheedling 'but I'd like to see you anyway~' type texts, which is a total mixed message on his part. (And Blitzo crucially does not take him up on it, which should tell him something) The only other thing he does is start behaving when he calls Blitzo, though since this happens offscreen it's easy to give Stolas more credit for it than he deserves (since whenever he talks to Blitzo onscreen he's always far less nice than the narrative wants to make him out to be and we still don't know if Blitzo even wanted to field these calls but felt obliged to).

Either way, Stolas had several months to reflect on what Blitzo said during Ozzie's and the only lesson he appears to have taken from it is 'Blitzy isn't returning my affections, maybe it's the fault of the deal and nothing else?' (and it doesn't seem like he can really commit to believing the deal is that bad, since in one moment he's calling himself a monster and Blitzo his prisoner and in the next acting like the deal never happened)

He still sees Blitzo like an object, only now it's 'I give him with the crystal and he rewards me with love'. He doesn't try to communicate when Blitzo is understandably lost and confused and he gets pissy the moment he doesn't get the response he wants. If we're assuming he's taking Blitzo jumping to think it was roleplay as a rejection, then he isn't handling the rejection particularly graceful. He tries to exit the scene, sure, but when Blitzo follows him he keeps ranting about how long he's wanted Blitzo (as though he expected Blitzo to know in spite of the deal still being in place and him sending mixed messages) and ducking responsibility for why Blitzo doesn't trust he's sincere

And then Blitzo reinforces the idea that Stolas has treated him like crap when he can't comprehend Stolas is being sincere, then gets angry when Stolas pulls his DARVO 'I can't believe you're making it about sex' routine, then he expilcitly refers to what Stolas has 'put him through', mentions he treats him no better than his servants and calls Stolas an asshole

At this point Stolas has plenty of evidence to realize that not only is the deal ample reason for Blitzo to hate his guts, but Blitzo has mentioned directly that the way Stolas treats him and acts is part of the problem twice now. There's something else he needs to figure out and fix.

Stolas couldn't figure that out despite having months to prepare after Ozzie's, but now he has no excuse. And what happens?

The night after full moon Stolas has presumably done no reflection on anything Blitzo said. Throughout apology tour the deal is barely even referenced so it seems like Stolas assumes he's immediately off the hook for that and Blitzo doesn't get to hold it against him (and as usual the show supports that framing by sweeping it under the rug). But not only that, Stolas is now acting like he's the one who's been wronged and he's the one who's angry with Blitzo, who needs to make it up to him.

Despite knowing Blitzo feels he treats him like an underling he just straight tells Blitzo it isn't true, reframing past events to be more favorable to him (hiding his face in a menu is now 'showing people how much I like you', using his need for the book to extort sex out of him is now 'how hard I've tried to support you')

Just like after Ozzie's, he has a moment in the song where he could try and learn something and realize he's the one in the wrong...but he doesn't.

Tl:dr - Stolas has had literal months to reflect and change for the better, but he's still fundamentally the same person who treats Blitzo like an object who should be giving him sex or love depending on what he wants at the time. And now the deal is over and Blitzo has more autonomy to call him out on his shit, Stolas still doesn't do any self-reflection. Instead he gaslights and doubles down, considering changing only in passing before going right back to the same BS he's always done.

Fans who say 'Stolas will change, just wait and let the show cook' - how much more time does he need exactly??? How many more times can Blitzo reiterate what his problem with Stolas is before we admit that Stolas is behaving in a textbook abusive way: he makes token efforts to fix the problem while not fundamentally changing, expects immediate forgiveness and being rewarded with what he wants, then holds the smallest of transgressions over Blitzo's head endlessly in return (or ignores Blitzo is behaving that way as a response to his crappy actions and treats him like he's acting irrationally) while using his tears to emotionally manipulate Blitzo into treating him like the victim

Fun fact, it was apparently going to be even worse. According to the person who leaked the entire plot of Full Moon to me back in November, it was supposed to be the one year anniversary of the full moon deal.

#Anonymous #stolas critical #stolitz critical #viv stuff #actual blog post

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sturnsdc · 11 months ago

Text

Carl

pair: Carl Grimes x fem!YN Dixon

synopsis: when things start to go wrong and Sophia ends up lost, the group splits up. However, things don't go as planned, and now Yn must face her memories.

warnings: angst, typical TWD scenes, violence, comfort, fluff, abusive father is mentioned, mentions of religion (yn is not a believer but explains why), dislike towards Andrea, mentioned seizures, fools in love.

era: (S2)

words: 7,3k

A/N: this one shot 's part of a series called "feel special" !!

'm sorry if u see some grammatical mistakes!! ♡♡

dividers from: @cafekitsune ! ♡

main masterlist carl masterlist

YN'S POV

we lost the camp, we lost people. Hell... we even nearly died twice after that. Once because of a human, and once because of a horde that surprised us on the highway. And because of that horde we lost Sophia, and now we're all trying to find her.

i feel nauseous just thinking about the possibilities. In these months i became really close to Sophia, and i know how quickly she panics, i know how much she freezes when things go wrong... and away from her mother? i really wanna think that we'll find her and that she'll be okay, but the odds are not on our side.

we've been looking for her for over a day at this point. We even went to a church when we heard a bell, thinking she would be there, but instead we only found more death.

Daryl, Rick and Shane took out the walkers inside, as there were only three of them. Then we all entered, checking every corner although it was obvious that Sophia wasn't there.

near me was a figure of a crucified Christ, so i approached it, feeling a little insecure about what i was about to do.

i've never really been a believer. I know Daryl tried to believe for a while, but it's hard when life is constantly putting you in shitty situations. I prayed to God every time i received beatings from my old man. I begged him when things at home were going to hell. But none of those times did i feel like something was rescuing me, like something was helping us, so eventually i stopped begging, i stopped waiting for God to help me, and i started standing up for myself.

but now… now i need some of that hope, i need to believe that she'll be okay. I need to believe.

“hey JC” i said “ya takin requests?” i immediately felt stupid, 'what am i doin?' i asked myself, sighing. I soon decided to get away from there, meeting Carl.

“hey,” i greeted him, leaning against a wall outside the church, with Carl standing in front of me.

“hey” he tried to smile, but a grimace came out instead. After that he just sighed, shaking his head. “Sorry, i'm tense, i wanna believe she's fine but…”

“ 's hard, the odds don' tend to be on our side” he nodded “i wanna believe that we're goin' to find her, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but we're goin' to find her” i tried to say firmly, and it seemed to work, because this time he did smile a little.

“i'm going in, are you coming with me?” he asked me, but i shook my head.

“nah, 's not my place. I don' like churches” i confessed, noticing the curiosity on his face.

"can i know why?" i was going to answer, but he seemed to get nervous by the way he expressed himself, as his eyes widened and his face turned red “i mean… if you want, you don't have to do it if you don't want to or if it makes you uncomfortable. I didn't want it to sound rude."

“ 's okay, Carl.” i laughed a little. “i always felt that these types of places lend themselves to creatin' false hope, and sometimes attractin' some people who are lookin' fer an excuse to reject others. Don' know. But i understand if ya believe, i mean, it's good sometimes to have hope... it's just that i lost it a while ago."

“i used to go to church with my parents when everything was fine and they didn't fight, but when all this... happened, i felt like praying wasn't enough, i felt like praying wouldn't save me if a walker tried to eat my mom, i felt like praying wouldn't bring my dad back… but well, maybe that last one did happen” i saw him scratch the back of his neck “i wanna go in to try one last time, to give it that chance. I'll be back soon” i nodded, watching him enter as well as Rick.

“you're close to him.” Daryl appeared from the side, cleaning his knife. “Should i be worried?”

“shut up” i smiled, seeing he was leaning against the wall, right next to me, so i took advantage and put my head on his shoulder. We were silent for a moment, enjoying that opportunity to have a little calm before resuming the search.

“ya think we're goin' to find her?” i asked in a lower tone, almost whispering.

"hope so. I'm not goin' to stop looking fer her” he responded, looking directly at his knife, remaining silent for a few seconds “she's just a girl, she shouldn't be out here, alone. I'd die if that were ya, and yeah i know ya know how to defend yerself but… you're still a kid fer me, ya know what i mean?” i nodded, feeling sad about this whole situation.

“she's a good person, Carol too” i said, still in a low tone “they deserve to be in this together, not like this… 's not fuckin' fair” i said.

“i know, i'll try to brin' her back.”

we were silent again, and i know we were both thinking the same thing.

'let's find Sophia'

we're separating, and i don't like that, it scares me.

after church, Rick and Shane wanted to stay and explore a little longer, while we were told to go as planned. But Carl didn't want to leave either, and he offered to go with them.

it scares me to think about his safety. I don't trust Shane one bit, and i really wanna believe that Rick would do anything to protect his son, but he's still not my favorite person to protect others, and even though i trust him more than Shane, i'd rather this wasn't happening.

it doesn't help that Andrea has been giving Lori dirty looks since we left. We all know why she does it. Dale took the gun she was carrying, since apparently he doesn't trust her at all, or some shit like that. It was a hard blow for her, so the fact that Daryl gave Lori a gun without a second thought and as if it weren't important made her angry.

i try to understand her anyway, but she doesn't work with my patience, and i can see on Lori's face that it doesn't make her happy either.

“so this is it?” Carol said suddenly, stopping to sit on a log on the ground. “it's the whole plan?”

“i guess the plan 's to divide us into smaller and smaller groups,” my brother answered, stopping like everyone else to lean against a tree.

“carrying knives and pointed sticks,” Andrea said in an accusatory tone, looking directly at Lori. “i see you have a gun.”

"what? you want it?” she told her sharply, and i turned to look at Daryl for a moment with an almost proud expression on my face. “there, take it.” she held out the gun. “i'm sick of the looks you're giving me.” i almost laughed, watching Andrea open her eyes wide, and reach for the gun as if she couldn't believe what Lori just told her.

“well, most of you,” Lori murmured, sitting next to Carol on the log and turning to look at her. “honey, i can't imagine what you're going through, and i'd do anything to stop it… but you've gotta stop blaming Rick. It is in your face every time you look at him. When Sophia ran, he didn't hesitate, did he? Not for a second. I don't know if any of us would have gone after her the way he did. Or made the hard decisions that he had to made. Or if any body could have done it any differently” she said, trying to be as respectful as possible while looking at Carol “any body?” she asked, now looking at all of us, but no one spoke “y'all look at him and blame him for not being perfect, if you think you can do this without him, go right ahead!, nobody is stopping you” she snapped, taking out her water bottle and taking a sip.

Andrea silently approached Lori, handing her the gun again. “we should keep moving” was all she said.

and that's what we did, but when i had the chance i approached Lori, smiling at her and shaking my head in approval. She messed up my hair, smiling a little too, but with a tired face.

we continued walking for a few minutes, until a gunshot sound made us all stop. With fear i looked at Daryl, then looked at Lori.

“what the fuck was that?” i tried to walk in the direction of the sound. They're there, i'm sure, but Lori's hand on my arm stopped me from walking any further.

“probably nothing,” Andrea said, returning to the path, making everyone do the same, except Lori and me.

“Lori…” i shook my head.

'something 's wrong'.

“come on, let's keep moving” she said, putting her arm on my shoulders and walking next to me.

however, even though we tried to ignore it, we both kept looking back from time to time, trying to see if anything could tell us what had happened, but there was nothing, just that single gunshot.

Andrea soon noticed this, so she stopped.

“you still worrying about it?” her question made everyone slow down, and i could only stare at her. I was going to answer her, but Lori stepped forward, probably sensing my dislike for the blonde.

“it was a gunshot,” she said in response.

“we all heard it,” Daryl answered, so i narrowed my eyes, giving him a dirty look.

“why one? why just one gunshot?” Lori asked.

“maybe they took down a walker” my brother answered simply.

“don't..." she sighed "Rick wouldn't risk a gunshot to put down one walker, or Shane, they'd do it quietly.”

“shouldn't they have caught up with us by now?” Carol asked this time looking at Daryl.

“there's nothin' we can do about it anyway,” he replied. I snorted, still looking at him. “we can't run on this woods chasing echoes.”

"so what do we do?" i spoke this time.

“same as we've been, beat the bush for Sophia, and work a way back to the highway,” he replied, without looking at me.

“they'll surely find us back in the RV,” Andrea said, looking at me this time. I looked at her out of the corner of my eye, but i didn't answer her.

we ended the conversation and most of us walked again, me still being hugged by Lori. However, Carol and Andrea didn't move forward, and it was until we heard them talking that we stopped again and turned to see them.

“i'm sorry for what you're going through, i know how you feel,” Andrea said.

“i guess you do… thank you,” Carol replied, then turned to look at us all. “the thought of her out here by herself… it's the not knowing that's killing me… i just keep hoping and praying that she doesn't end up like Amy” Andrea's expression hardened, clearly affected by the words, and then Carol realized it too and quickly spoke “oh God, that's the worst thing i've ever said.”

“we're all hoping and praying with you... for what is worth it” was what Andrea answered.

“i'll tell you what it's worth,” Daryl interrupted, approaching them. “not a damn thing, it's a waste of time all this hoping and praying. We're just gonna locate that little girl and she's gonna be just fine” he snapped. “am i the only one zen around here? Good lord” he finished saying, turning around to return to the path.

Lori and i turned to see each other, both trying to suppress a smile at my brother's words. He just… sounded so grumpy, even sassy. But we all know he's trying to find her, and that what he said actually makes sense.

now it's been a while since that, and we have searched non-stop for Sophia again, but there is no trace, no clue, she was nowhere to be found, so we suggested stopping for today, since it was starting to darken the sky, which meant the slow arrival of night.

we were going to go back to Dale and T-Dog, who were left on the highway. But it was then that Andrea, who was walking at the side of the group, far away, ran into a walker who was behind a tree. This surprised her, and he quickly tried to attack her. We could only hear her screams, so we ran to try to help her. We saw her, screaming and trying to kick him, but it clearly wasn't enough. However, before he could reach her, a woman on horse appeared, hitting the walker's head with a bat.

“Lori? Lori Grimes?” the stranger asked, looking at Andrea.

it was then that we managed to reach them.

“i'm Lori.”

“Rick sent me, you gotta come now,” the woman told her, agitated.

"what?" Lori asked, incredulous.

“there has been an accident, Carl has been shot. He's still alive, but you gotta come now” the woman said.

‘Carl…’

'it can't be true, he has to be fine'

'was that the shot? was it him all this time?'

'he can't…he can't die, no, not him'

'i have to see him, he has to be okay'

'i trusted he would be safe with them, i trusted they would protect him'

'Carl can't die'

i feel panic overcome me, so much so that i can't even understand what is happening, i can't hear anything. Carl is all i can think about.

'he…he has to be okay'

i snap out of my thoughts when i see Lori riding the horse with the unknown woman. Riding away. But i don't even have the strength to try to say anything about it.

'i wanna go with them, i need to see it'

but it was too late, because they had already left.

i feel Daryl's gaze on me, but i can only look at where they went, and then at the backpack that Lori was carrying. I picked it up, putting it on so i could carry it.

we continue walking in silence, but all i can think about is how to get there.

'i can track them. Maybe i'm not as good as Daryl, but the horse surely left his tracks until he got to the place. That can work'

'it has to work'.

Carol refuses to go to the farm where Carl is, and i can understand her, but that also means that most of them are going to stay too, and now i have to convince my brother to let me go there with Glenn and T-Dog .

'fucking incredible'

'i think it would be easier to escape, but i'll try.'

“the cut on his arm went from bad to worse and now he has a very serious blood infection,” Dale explained to the others.

'didn't they look through our things? i mean, that sucks, but even if they'd just asked us they'd know we have Merle's arsenal with us.'

apparently Daryl thought the same, as we looked at each other with the same confused expression, and he quickly went to our things, pulling out the bag.

“...because if not, T-Dog will die and it's not a joke” Dale finished saying, watching as Daryl went to look for the pills.

“why didn't ya say somethin' before?” i asked, watching Daryl leave the bag on a car, checking the inside to see what they could use.

“X…no, don't need that” i heard him mutter, still searching.

“look for the painkillers” when i said it he found them, throwing them at Glenn “and the doxycycline” this time he threw it at Dale.

“and 's not generic stuff neither, 's first class,” Daryl told them, seeing their confused faces.

“Merle got the clap... on a occasion” i explained, watching as Daryl walked away again until he reached our things “you're welcome” i told them, going after him.

“hey… uhm, i need to talk to ya” i said in a low tone, getting his attention.

"what?" he looked at me.

“i wanna go with Glenn and T-Dog…”

“nah” he interrupted me “you're not goin'.”

“come on, Dar. He's my best friend, i need to be there. I need to see with my own eyes that he's safe” i told him, but he shook his head.

“we don' know wha' kind of crazy people are in tha' place, and i won' leave ya alone in their care.” he said again, firmly.

“please, ya know i can defend myself, ya know i know how to use my knife better than many in this group” i complained.

“i don' care, you're not goin'.”

“Daryl please, you and Carl are the only good thing i have left. I don' wanna lose him too. I need to know that he's safe, tha' they're protectin' him” i confessed “i trusted that he would be safe with 'hem and now he's between life and death. Please, i have to go” the desperation in my voice was noticeable “i'm fuckin' askin' , and ya know that if you don' give me permission i'll find a way to go. But i respect ya and that's why i'm tryin' to ask first.”

i saw him consider the idea. He was silent for a moment, but then he sighed and pulled a knife from Merle's things.

“hidden near the ankle, so that no one sees it. If somethin' happens, if ya lose yer knife, if ya feel like it's not enough. Whatever. Whatever ya feel, ya take it out” he said, handing me the knife. i nodded, secretly putting it as he ordered, covering it with my pants and boots.

“don' trust, don' turn yer back on 'hem…” he started to say.

“i protect my vital points and stay alert, i know” i saw him nod.

“they're goin' to trust, so ya'll have to take care of 'hem, ya know tha', right?” he asked me, to which i nodded this time.

“i know, but i always do that' anyway” i joked, seeing him scoff and smile a little.

we've been in the truck for a while. None of the three speak, and while the two of them are in the front seat, i'm lying on the back seats, with my feet resting on a window and looking at the roof of the vehicle.

“ya think he'll be okay?” i asked suddenly, seeing how they were startled by my voice.

“i thought you were sleeping,” Glenn murmured, a little agitated, but without taking his eyes off the road. “i wanna believe that he is. He's a strong boy.” T-Dog nodded, looking out the window. There was a moment of silence until i spoke again.

“ya trust Rick?” i asked this time, and saw that they both looked at each other out of the corner of their eyes.

"you don't?" Glenn asked me, but when i was about to answer the truck stopped, and our destination was shown in front of us. The mysterious woman's farm.

“answer fer another time, i guess” i muttered and they both nodded. At the same time the three of us got out of the truck, Glenn with his shotgun in hand, T-Dog looking like a dead man, and me with one hand on my knife, ready to pull it out if necessary.

“so... do we... ring the bell? it looks like people live here” Glenn said, looking at the door of the house in front of us with some nervousness.

“we've passed all that kind of stuff, haven't we?” T-Dog said, walking up the front steps with the two of us behind him.

“you close the gate of the road when you drove in?” a voice asked us, scaring the three of us. My eyes widened, but i soon noticed that the voice was coming from a corner in the entrance, it was dark enough that we wouldn't notice anyone was there.

“uh… hi,” Glenn said, looking in the same direction as me. “yes, we closed it, locked it and everything.” it was then that we could see it. It was the mystery woman. “Hi, nice to see you again, we… uh, we met before.” i looked at Glenn when he said that and raised an eyebrow, noticing his nervousness about the girl.

“we came to help,” T-Dog said this time. “is there anything we can do?” he then whimpered in pain, at the same time that the woman began to approach us “it's not a bite” he explained when he noticed the look on his injured arm “i uh, i cut myself pretty bad.”

“we have a doc inside, i'll tell him you're here” she told him in response.

“we have uh... some painkillers and antibiotics,” Glenn informed, showing them to her “i already gave him some. But in case Carl needs…”

“come on inside, i'll make you something to eat.” she opened the door for us, letting us enter her house.

“can we see Carl?” i asked as we entered, catching the three's attention.

“yes, of course, but try not to make too much noise. We're waiting for them to arrive with all the stuff so we can remove the bullet parts that remain inside and control the internal bleeding. We don’t need him to wake up if not on his own, okay?” she answered me calmly, and i nodded quickly.

she led us to the room, and when we entered i had to cover my mouth as a sob almost escaped me. So Glenn put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it gently. When i looked at him he smiled slightly, and then decided to speak towards the adults inside the room.

“hi” he said in a low tone, but drawing their attention. When Lori looked at me i could see that her eyes were filled with tears and she stood up quickly, but trying not to make a sound. We both approached and gave each other a big hug, letting our emotions flow at that moment.

i didn't even know i needed it, but when she hugged me i couldn't help it and let the tears come. Gosh, i didn't even cry like this when Sophia got lost, or when we almost died the previous times, but seeing Carl like this... i feel like it was the last straw.

by the time we separated, Lori made me sit in the chair she was in before, putting one hand on my shoulder and the other on Rick's shoulder, standing behind us. Glenn and T-Dog let them know that they're here if they need anything and then left with the woman.

an older man with white hair was sitting on the same bed where they had Carl, and it was then that he lowered the sheet that covered him, revealing the bloody bandage on the wound and his swollen abdomen, almost purple from the bleeding that the woman mentioned.

“if they don't get back soon, we're gonna have a decision to make” the man spoke.

“and that is?” Rick asked him in a low tone.

“whether we operate the boy without the respirator”

“you said that wouldn't work,” Lori interrupted.

“i know, it's extremely unlikely, but we can't wait much longer.” the man's words made Lori and Rick leave the room for a moment, but i decided to stay there, giving them their space to talk about this.

there was a moment of silence, in which i could only look at him. He's so pale, but his face looks so calm right now. I wish he looked this calm all the time, but i'm also not happy about why he looks like that.

“he's your friend?” the man asked me, looking at me this time. I nodded, quickly wiping away my tears as i was with one of them. “My name is Hershel, and the one you just met is my daughter Maggie.” he introduced himself.

“ 'm Yn, Yn Dixon.” i introduced myself in the same way, and he nodded silently.

“you two knew each other before all... this?”

“nah, we met at a camp tha' we initially formed a couple of months ago, but he was one of the few kids who talked to me and he became my bes' friend.” my voice shook at the end, so i decided not to talk anymore, and he seemed to understand it.

i don't know how much time has passed, but i couldn't stop looking at Carl. Neither Rick nor Lori have returned, so it's just Hershel and i staring at him.

i don't even care anymore about how weird it is to watch someone sleep. It terrifies me to think that if i stop doing it... somehow he'll disappear, he'll go away.

for a moment i thought i was hallucinating, but i soon realized that i wasn't. From one second to the next Carl opened his eyes and started coughing, trying to look everywhere.

“Carl,” i whispered, opening my eyes wide and approaching his bed. At that moment Rick and Lori entered quickly, approaching in the same way.

"where we are?" he asked us, clearly scared as he didn't recognize the room.

“hey, little man,” Rick said, in such a delicate tone that i didn't even know he could do “this is Hershel.” he looked at the man, who was also near the bed. “we're in his house.”

Lori looked at me, smiling, and i looked at her the same way, excited.

“you had an accident,” Rick explained.

“it hurts... a lot,” he complained, shifting uncomfortably on the bed.

“i know, baby, i know” Lori caressed his arm, trying to comfort him.

it was then that he looked at me, and smiled a little. “you should have seen it,” he said.

“what, Carl?” i asked him, with the softest and calmest voice i can make.

“a deer, it was so pretty” he smiled a little more, with difficulty “It was so close, i've never been…” then he stopped talking, and seemed to fall into a kind of trance. My smile, which i hadn't even noticed, soon faded and i looked at Lori. She had the same anguished face.

his body suddenly began to convulse, so Hershel turned him on his side. I quickly hugged Lori, scared, and felt Rick hug us both.

“if you hold him down you could hurt him” he explained to us “he has to just go through this”

i sobbed as i saw the way his body moved so violently. His eyes seemed empty, so different from just now. When he spoke about the deer his eyes shone, he seemed full of life. But as his body shook, i caught a glimpse of him, and his eyes were dark, distant, as if it weren't him.

i want to stop it, i want this to end. Even the bed makes a loud noise from the sudden movements, but no one can do anything to stop it. We can only hope he survives this.

'please please'

i hid my face in Lori's body, unable to continue watching the scene. When he stopped, we all walked over to see his unconscious body, now with his eyes closed. With fear i watched as Hershel opened his eyes to check him out.

“his brain isn't getting enough blood, the pressure has dropped and he needs another transfusion.”

'shit, Daryl 's the one with the universal blood'

Rick offered to give him more blood, even though Hershel warned him what could happen to him if he did. So now, as he did so, he told us about the deer Carl had mentioned.

'he's...so pure, i really hope i can keep that about him if he survives.'

'he's going to survive,' i corrected myself, squeezing my eyes briefly as they burned from how much i had been crying since i arrived.

after that, the four of us spent a while in silence, just looking at Carl.

the moments that we managed to live in the midst of all this pass through my head. Like when Carl would come into my tent and tell me about his comics to help me sleep. Or when we walked through the forest while no one noticed, climbing some trees and talking about everything when we got tired of walking.

i even remembered the constellations, because on nights when comics didn't help me, he would open the tent a little so we could see the stars, and he would teach me everything he knew about them.

i also remembered the flowers, because he listened to me carefully when i told him the meaning of each flower, and the story that was told for each one. And then when he saw flowers somewhere, he would pick up the ones that he now knew well thanks to me, and he would bring them to me in his hands, smiling because he knew that i would like them, and that i would understand the silent message he was giving me with them.

Hershel's voice brought me out of my thoughts, only to bring me back to reality.

“he keeps losing blood faster than we can replace it, and with this swelling in his abdomen we can't wait any longer, or we're going to lose him,” he informed us, making the three of us tense. “i need to know right now if you want me to do this, because i think your boy is out of time” we all stayed silent, Rick and Lori were now standing, looking at Hershel, but i was still sitting, looking at Carl. “You have to make a choice”

"a choice?" Lori asked with an aggressive tone.

“a choice,” Rick responded, and this time i did look at them. Rick looked at Lori intently. “you have to tell me what it is.”

she caressed his cheek, and although she seemed doubtful, she responded firmly, “we do it.”

so we quickly helped Hershel and his family lift Carl onto a makeshift stretcher. The man looked at us before touching him, and told us that it was best for us to get out of there. Before we answered, however, we heard the sound of a truck, and when Rick looked out the window to look, he seemed suddenly relieved.

we all ran to the entrance, except for a woman named Patricia, who Lori told me a while ago, is the wife of the man who shot Carl, Otis. Shane, who had gone with the man to get things for Carl's surgery, got out of the truck. He seemed injured, agitated, and quickly handed the things to Hershel.

he briefly told us that Otis had sacrificed himself so that he could get to the farm and bring the things to save Carl. I honestly don't believe a word that comes out of Shane, but right now that's not a priority for me, so i just walked into the house, sitting near the room in the hope that this will end soon.

the surgery had been successful, but Carl was still unconscious, having a few moments of lucidity before closing his eyes again. That's why the next day Lori recommended that i go out a little, get some air and try to change my mood, since i didn't sleep all night, and i stayed next to Carl, afraid that something could happen to him again.

it was hard for me to leave the room, and when i did some people turned to look at me, giving me small smiles that i couldn't return. When i left the house i walked around the place. I heard that Glenn and Maggie were out, and that my brother was looking for Sophia, but i don't know if they're back, i just know that Andrea, Shane, and Carol are back, so i decided to walk to the RV.

inside i found a very different image from the previous days. Carol cleaned and organized the interior, making it look much more decent and nice.

“looks nice,” i said, seeing her sitting in the back.

“thank you… i wanted to clean it for her” she answered, smiling a little.

“ 'm sure she'll think 's cool when she gets back.” i leaned against a wall.

we were silent for a few seconds, until Carol sighed and changed her expression to a more worried one.

“how's Carl?” she asked me and i quickly tensed up.

“out of danger, Hershel even says that his fever went down, but he has few conscious moments, and tha' makes me a little desperate” i confessed, sighing afterwards “Lori convinced me to go out today. I haven't even slept. I can't, 'm terrified to think about what might happen if i get distracted, and even though i try to spend time out here, all i can think about is the probabilities.” she nodded, understanding.

“why don't you make him a card? like the ones people used to do before this” she suggested “you can keep thinking about him, but without necessarily being in that room, and it's a nice gift.”

's a good idea'

wait.

'i don' know how to write somethin to him'

i started cursing myself for giving up on classes. If i hadn't been so stupid maybe i could have written him a thousand cards.

i noticed that i hadn't responded to Carol yet, so i nodded, hoping it wouldn't show the way my mood went to shit from one second to the next.

“thanks Carol, i think i'll do tha' ” i said, but when i was about to turn around to leave, i saw that on the side there was a beer bottle with a cherokee rose on it. I knew immediately that Daryl had brought it, “i guess he told ya the story” i touched the flower for a moment as i heard Carol say yes “it probably bloomed because of her” i said in a low tone, but i know she heard me “i'll go to the house"

and that's what i did, going to look for my backpack to take out some blank papers and a pencil that almost had no ink. Then i sat in the dining room, with the pencil in my hand.

'what should i write?'

'how do i write “i hope ya get well soon, Carl, love ya”?'

'is that even what i should write, or should it be something longer?'

'what if he expects something more elaborate?'

'what if he doesn't understand what i write?'

i tried to write the phrase that occurred to me, resulting in an ugly text, with unintelligible letters that is supposed to say “i hope ya recover soon, Carl, love ya” but instead it says “i jope ya recover sun, Carl, lov ya”.

's that how you spell recover? or soon? s this how you spell his name?'

a fairly common feeling for me began to appear, making me feel uncomfortable. It was frustration, like every time i try to do this.

'm sick of this shit, why is it so fucking complicated?'

i crumpled the paper in my hands, setting it aside. So i took another one and tried again. This time i tried adding a heart at the end, but it looks like a fucking balloon instead.

i took out another sheet and tried again, but i feel like every time i try it comes out worse and worse.

'm useless, why 's this so fuckin' hard?'

'everyone can do it, why can't i?'

'this 's horrible, it looks like shit'

feelings of worthlessness, frustration, guilt, anger, and sadness began to quickly fill my heart and mind.

"you're stupid! ya don't even know how to do the minimum! this way ya will end up being a whore just like yer damn mother!” i remembered my father's screams. I remember how he shook me, taking advantage of the fact that Daryl wasn't at home and Merle was... just lost. Dad wasn't supposed to be here either, but he returned much earlier than expected, and found a note from school warning of my lack of skills and my bad behavior: “ 'm not raising ya so that ya end up being jus' another prostitute! ya should be grateful to have shelter, food and education!” every sentence was now accompanied by a slap. Tears came out of my eyes without me being able to stop them, and in my head i prayed that Daryl would arrive at some point.

but that wasn't happening, and apparently my mouth started working faster than my brain. “raising me!? all ya do is fuckin' complain and hit us! hell, even Merle has been more of a man and more of a father than ya!” i remember that when i realized what i said my eyes opened wide and i gasped, bringing my hand directly to my mouth.

after that i remember the beating, and Daryl's panicked face when he came home and found me lying on the kitchen floor, blood coming out of my mouth and my body covered in deep wounds and new bruises.

all because i'm useless.

then a noise brought me out of my memories, Rick was sitting in a chair, near me.

"what are you doing?" he asked me in an almost sweet tone, looking at the crumpled sheets on one side of the table and the still blank sheets on the other side.

“i… i was tryin' to write a card to Carl” i said, feeling a little exposed and embarrassed “Carol suggested it” i tried to explain, but i felt my face turn red as Rick started to smile.

“i think he'll like that, a lot,” he said, but i just grimaced, looking at the crumpled sheets.

“i don' think so,” i whispered.

"why not?" he frowned.

“i can'… i can' write somethin' to him because i don'…” i cleared my throat, feeling too exposed with my confession, however, he seemed to understand, and instead of looking at me with contempt or strangeness, he smiled again.

“i can help you if you want. It's never too late to learn, not even in the midst of all this” he offered, and i looked at him with doubt.

'does he really mean it?'

i think my look was pretty obvious, because he let out a small laugh, moving his chair closer.

“i swear, i can help you with that if you want,” he told me firmly, and for a moment, even if it was brief, i felt that hope grow in me again.

“ 'm not an easy student, Rick,” i warned him, but the smile on his face didn't fade.

“i didn't expect you to be, little Dixon.”

it was long hours of practicing and practicing with Rick.

Daryl entered the house, looking for me after not finding me anywhere else. When he found me he opened his eyes wide, and i can swear that for a moment i saw something sparkle in them.

"what are ya...?" he asked, clearing his throat when he noticed that his voice sounded somewhat…excited.

i can't judge him, since we both know the problems that not knowing how to read or write brought me. We both know about the beatings, the teasing, the insults and even the nightmares.

“Rick helped me make Carl a card, look!” in days i didn't smile the way i do now.

one sheet, now folded in half, was filled with small drawings on the cover, and on the inside, in a much less horrible and now understandable handwriting, it said: “Hope ya get well soon, Carl! love ya so much, and i miss hanging out with ya. - Yn” with more drawings around it.

with so much practice my pencil had worn out, so Rick lent me some of Carl's pencils that were in Lori's backpack. Now the card has color, and it looks much prettier than i had imagined.

my eyes shine and a huge smile decorates my face. Daryl smiled when he saw the card, and hugged me tightly when he saw how happy i am.

“thank you” he said to Rick, still hugging me.

“no problem” i heard him say “i'll go throw away the papers we used and then i'll go see Carl. Good night” he said.

“thank ya Rick, really.” i looked at him from Daryl's arms and he just nodded, smiling and then doing what he told us.

Daryl and i continued hugging for a few minutes, both with mixed emotions, but the most predominant one being joy.

“ 'm proud of ya, girl,” he said suddenly, and those words seemed to heal a part of me. “i know 's been hard, and it took a while fer ya to do this, but ya did, and i knew ya would.” i feel his voice tremble. I know he wants to cry just like i do, so i hug him tighter.

“thank you, Dar” i whispered, holding back tears for a moment “thank you fer not giving up on me… like him” then i sobbed, feeling his body shake, a sign that he was crying too, even if just a little.

a few days later, Carl 's now more stable, and can spend hours conscious, so i feel it's time to give him the card.

“hey,” i greeted him, seeing him sitting on the bed reading a comic.

he quickly looks at me when he hears my voice, putting aside what he was reading and moving to the side to make a space for me on the bed so i could sit, and that's what i did, leaning on the backrest next to him.

“hey” he greeted me this time, smiling “i was starting to miss you here” he joked, to which i smiled, gently hitting his arm.

"i brought ya somethin' " i saw the curiosity on his face, so i took the letter out of my jacket pocket and cleared my throat, blushing at his intense gaze. "while ya were unconscious i received some help and i uhm... made ya a card." i extended it to him, and he grabbed it, still looking at me carefully.

“thank you,” he said, and then he looked at it. His eyes shine, and he doesn't stop smiling, even when he opens it and sees what i had written. In fact his face seemed to light up even more, and soon he's hugging me, being careful not to crumple my gift. “i love it, i'll always have it with me, i swear.” he said, to which i smiled, feeling relieved to know that he liked it.

“ 'm glad ya liked it” because of the movement, the hat that his dad had recently given him fell off, so i picked it up and put it back on his head.

“i loved it” he corrected me “you always do beautiful things for me, you make me feel special, you know?” he confessed, and his cheeks turned a little red.

“ya make me feel special too, Carl,” i said, looking him in the eyes. “you're special to me, and i felt like i was dyin' when ya were here, unconscious. I thought i was goin' to lose ya too and it was… it was so scary. It was a nightmare"

“but here i am now, and i'm fine,” he assured me, taking one of my hands and intertwining our fingers. “i'm fine, and with you i feel better”

behind the door, three adults were about to come in to look for us, but after hearing part of the conversation they decided to give us a few minutes.

now, no one will take the small smiles off the faces of Lori, Rick and Daryl, who go to the dining room to sit and wait.

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