#was wondering whether to talk about this in therapy but i would have to explain So Many Words

[karliahs]

somehow always easy to forget that there are points in the lifecycle of a Big Obsession that inexplicably feel very bad. banning myself from ao3 for at least today and we'll see how that goes

[cocklessboy]

The biggest male privilege I have so far encountered is going to the doctor.

I lived as a woman for 35 years. I have a lifetime of chronic health issues including chronic pain, chronic fatigue, respiratory issues, and neurodivergence (autistic + ADHD). There's so much wrong with my body and brain that I have never dared to make a single list of it to show a doctor because I was so sure I would be sent directly to a psychologist specializing in hypochondria (sorry, "anxiety") without getting a single test done.

And I was right. Anytime I ever tried to bring up even one of my health issues, every doctor's initial reaction was, at best, to look at me with doubt. A raised eyebrow. A seemingly casual, offhand question about whether I'd ever been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Even female doctors!

We're not talking about super rare symptoms here either. Joint pain. Chronic joint pain since I was about 19 years old. Back pain. Trouble breathing. Allergy-like reactions to things that aren't typically allergens. Headaches. Brain fog. Severe insomnia. Sensitivity to cold and heat.

There's a lot more going on than that, but those were the things I thought I might be able to at least get some acknowledgement of. Some tests, at least. But 90% of the time I was told to go home, rest, take a few days off work, take some benzos (which they'd throw at me without hesitation), just chill out a bit, you'll be fine. Anxiety can cause all kinds of odd symptoms.

Anyone female-presenting reading this is surely nodding along. Yup, that's just how doctors are.

Except...

I started transitioning about 2.5 years ago. At this point I have a beard, male pattern baldness, a deep voice, and a flat chest. All of my doctors know that I'm trans because I still haven't managed to get all the paperwork legally changed, but when they look at me, even if they knew me as female at first, they see a man.

I knew men didn't face the same hurdles when it came to health care, but I had no idea it was this different.

The last time I saw my GP (a man, fairly young, 30s or so), I mentioned chronic pain, and he was concerned to see that it wasn't represented in my file. Previous doctors hadn't even bothered to write it down. He pushed his next appointment back to spend nearly an hour with me going through my entire body while I described every type of chronic pain I had, how long I'd had it, what causes I was aware of. He asked me if I had any theories as to why I had so much pain and looked at me with concerned expectation, hoping I might have a starting point for him. He immediately drew up referrals for pain specialists (a profession I didn't even know existed till that moment) and physical therapy. He said depending on how it goes, he may need to help me get on some degree of disability assistance from the government, since I obviously shouldn't be trying to work full-time under these circumstances.

Never a glimmer of doubt in his eye. Never did he so much as mention the word "anxiety".

There's also my psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with ADHD last year (meeting me as a man from the start, though he knew I was trans). He never doubted my symptoms or medical history. He also took my pain and sleep issues seriously from the start and has been trying to help me find medications to help both those things while I go through the long process of seeing other specialists. I've had bad reactions to almost everything I've tried, because that's what always happens. Sometimes it seems like I'm allergic to the whole world.

And then, just a few days ago, the most shocking thing happened. I'd been wondering for a while if I might have a mast cell condition like MCAS, having read a lot of informative posts by @thebibliosphere which sounded a little too relatable. Another friend suggested it might explain some of my problems, so I decided to mention it to the psychiatrist, fully prepared to laugh it off. Yeah, a friend thinks I might have it, I'm not convinced though.

His response? That's an interesting theory. It would be difficult to test for especially in this country, but that's no reason not to try treatments and see if they are helpful. He adjusted his medication recommendations immediately based on this suggestion. He's researching an elimination diet to diagnose my food sensitivities.

I casually mentioned MCAS, something routinely dismissed by doctors with female patients, and he instantly took the possibility seriously.

That's it. I've reached peak male privilege. There is nothing else that could happen that could be more insane than that.

I literally keep having to hold myself back from apologizing or hedging or trying to frame my theories as someone else's idea lest I be dismissed as a hypochondriac. I told the doctor I'd like to make a big list of every health issue I have, diagnosed and undiagnosed, every theory I've been given or come up with myself, and every medication I've tried and my reactions to it - something I've never done because I knew for a fact no doctor would take me seriously if they saw such a list all at once. He said it was a good idea and could be very helpful.

Female-presenting people are of course not going to be surprised by any of this, but in my experience, male-presenting people often are. When you've never had a doctor scoff at you, laugh at you, literally say "I won't consider that possibility until you've been cleared by a psychologist" for the most mundane of health problems, it might be hard to imagine just how demoralizing it is. How scary it becomes going to the doctor. How you can internalize the idea that you're just imagining things, making a big deal out of nothing.

Now that I'm visibly a man, all of my doctors are suddenly very concerned about the fact that I've been simply living like this for nearly four decades with no help. And I know how many women will have to go their whole lives never getting that help simply because of sexism in the medical field.

If you know a doctor, show them this story. Even if they are female. Even if they consider themselves leftists and feminists and allies. Ask them to really, truly, deep down, consider whether they really treat their male and female patients the same. Suggest that the next time they hear a valid complaint from a male patient, imagine they were a woman and consider whether you'd take it seriously. The next time they hear a frivolous-sounding complaint from a female patient, imagine they were a man and consider whether it would sound more credible.

It's hard to unlearn these biases. But it simply has to be done. I've lived both sides of this issue. And every doctor insists they treat their male and female patients the same. But some of the doctors astonished that I didn't get better care in the past are the same doctors who dismissed me before.

I'm glad I'm getting the care I need, even if it is several decades late. And I'm angry that it took so long. And I'm furious that most female-presenting people will never have this chance.

[too-much-tma-stuff]

Beach Episode (Part 19)

Previous | Masterpost | Next

Danny and Jason talked out their issues and dealt with it. Jason didn’t think he’d fuck up again, he’d felt so fucking bad, but Danny didn’t trust that. Which was fair, even if it hurt, he was going to have to prove that he meant it and could hold to it even when he was angry. He needed to get into therapy too, he’d been putting it off because he was scared, and protective of his identity, so much of the shit he’d seen and done was so hard to explain in a civilian situation.

But now that he was on slightly better terms with the JL he could prevail himself of one of their therapists. That ended up being the favour that Danny demanded from them was providing Jason with a therapist, one that wouldn’t be too judgmental of his… ‘methods’. They asked for Wonder Woman’s advice on that, which she was very happy to provide, relieved that Jason was facing up to his bad behaviour and taking steps to make it right. She’d been worried she was going to have to physically knock some sense into him.

The other favour that Danny asked for, not of the JL but from Jason, was not to complain about the family vacation that was being planned between Dick, Tim, Danny, and Alfred. Jason still didn’t love the idea but Danny gave him puppy dog eyes and insisted that it was needed to make him forgive Jason for his slip up. Necessary to make things right with his family and moving on, so he accepted it.

It took a lot of arranging and planning to get the family on vacation. They had to find a time everyone was available, find people they trusted to cover their patrols or cities, and of course agree on a destination. That was harder than you would expect, especially when Bruce got involved and tried to insist it should be in the deep woods somewhere and be a training exercise more than anything.

In the end he was shouted down and it was decided that they were going to go to a beach somewhere warm and sunny. Far enough away from any of their usual haunts that they wouldn’t feel the urge to work as long as there weren’t any natural disasters and Tim was kept off his ipad. Since it was a family vacation Danny invited Ellie and Dan too, though he wasn’t sure that Dan would come. Half of him hoped he wouldn’t because having Dan there was bound to be complicated, but they had decided to be family so Danny was going to put his money where his mouth was. 

Dan had been doing well anyway, he hadn’t missed any check ins and hadn’t caused any chaos in space. So he at least deserved an invite, whether he wanted to come or not. They had a check in two weeks before the trip so Danny brought it up with him then.

“A family vacation huh?” Dan asked, they were ‘sitting’ on a broken satellite which was still orbiting earth through inertia.

“Ya, God knows the Wayne's need it. And honestly so do I. Ellie will be coming too, and you're welcome too if you want to,” Danny said with a little shrug.

“And draw more attention from the GIW onto both of you?” Dan asked skeptically.

“Ya, but they already know Phantom is back and working with the Justice League now. I really don't think they're brave enough to touch us now. And if they try to, with all three of us together with the bats? Frankly I'd like to see them try. Maybe it would give the Justice League the push they need to really give them the smack down.” 

Dan snorted a little at Danny, he still didn't expect that ferocity from his younger self. “Ya I guess so,” he agreed with a crooked little smile.

“But if that was an excuse and you just don't want to come, that's fine. I don't want to push you, I just don't want you to feel left out since we decided we're family now,” Danny explained.

“Nah, I want to come. I want to meet my future brother in law,” Dan said with an absolutely feral smile.

“Oh dear,” Danny said faintly. “That doesn't sound good. Is it too late to uninvite you?” 

“Oh absolutely,” Dan cackled wickedly. “If you're going to be my little brother I should get to vet your boyfriend,” he teased, reaching over to ruffle Danny's hair and laughing when Danny smacked his hand away.

“Fine, you'll be a better judge than some people since I'm assuming we have the same opinions about violence?” He asked, glancing at Dan.

“I think I'm probably even more down for it then you are, but ya. Why?”

“Batman tried to stage an intervention about Jason hitting me. Trying to explain to them that I was totally fine with it and kinda liked it suuucked,” Danny groaned, flopping back dramatically as Dan laughed at him.

“Poor you,” Dan said, entirely unsympathetic. Danny flipped him off. “I'll probably give him shit about it.”

“Just don't scare him off. I really like this guy. If you pull anything I swear I'll spend the rest of our eternity making sure you never get a date!” 

“Sheesh, that's a serious threat kid! As long as he's not a wimp I won't scare him off. If I do scare him off he wasn’t a good fit for you in the first place,” Dan pointed out reasonably.

“Fine, I'll be keeping an eye on you though,” Danny warned.

“Of course you will, I'd expect nothing less after everything I've done,” Dan agreed dryly. “I'm surprised you're letting me be around your new found family at all.”

“Ya, well, you're one of my new found family as well.”

“Shit.”

“If you didn't want to be part of my found family you should have killed me when you had the chance!” 

“IS THAT A FUCKING MEME?!”

------------

All the Wayne’s could have asked their respective flying friends to give them a lift to the resort, but it had been decided no kryptonians were invited. They were trying to keep things to their family, though Dick was bringing Kori, that was fine they had been together off and on for years and were well settled together this time. She might as well be an in-law already. So she would be flying Dick in from Bludhaven, and everyone else was going to fly out from Gotham in the Waynes’ private jet. Well, the Waynes and Babs and Steph, who had taken a little more convincing to come, getting past their insistence they weren’t actually family being the trick. Thankfully the fact that the phantom siblings were coming too helped them see it wasn’t only a trip for the Waynes, and with different heroes and allies found to cover protecting Gotham they were bundled onto the private jet as well. 

 Which Danny and Ellie teased Bruce and Tim relentlessly about owning, Jason snickering in the background and egging on the two ghostly siblings in their teasing. They deserved it, no matter how much Bruce tried to defend that it was expected of him to have a private jet and he needed it for business! 

Teasing didn’t stop them from enjoying it though, Ellie chasing Tim around the isles, with Alfred chiding but not actually trying to stop them from having their fun and being kids for once.  Danny spent half the time exploring and stealing any snacks he found, and half the time murmuring in Jason’s ear about how they should steal the jet to join the mile high club. It was sweet torture and Jason did not want it to stop even as he shifted awkwardly and tried desperately to think unsexy thoughts so he wouldn’t get a boner surrounded by his family! Thank fuck Dick wasn’t here, the knowing smirks he’d be shooting the two of them would be too much.

It was a 16 hour flight, and once Ellie and Tim tired themselves out and fell asleep Bruce pulled out a sleep mask and settled in. Danny gave them this, it was much more comfortable to sleep in, and Jason and Danny slept soundly, at least until Ellie got bored and pounced on Danny. They phased out through the wall of the plane to go for a fly, racing the jet and flying loops around it until Ellie got tired and Danny had to help her back into the jet when she started to fall behind. 

Everyone else had started to wake up while they were gone, so by the time they got back it was just in time to have a family breakfast, and talk about what they were going to do once they landed. They had booked the entire top floor of the resort for privacy, which Danny thought was kind of overkill, but these were The Bats, they were incredibly security minded people, so he didn’t argue about it. Danny was mostly excited about swimming, this was a beach vacation after all!

Finally they landed, and grabbed as much of their stuff as they could from the plane before the bellhops could get them, as if all the staff hadn’t already been vetted by Babs. They were only staying for a week so they didn’t have so much they couldn’t reasonably carry it, and Danny suspected at least Tim had some stuff in his bags he would not want anyone else to see. He was going to keep an eye on the younger man to make sure that he hadn’t smuggled any work with him on vacation. 

They piled out of the plane, chattering excitedly about the vacation, Dick coming onto the plane to help Babs on the slightly too steep ramp from the plane. Kori was waiting for them on the tarmac with a warm smile, taking a couple of the heavier bag.

“We already picked out her room on the left side. I suspect Jason and Danny will want to be on the right, and the… single, and younger members of the family should be in the middle so we all have some place,” Kori suggested. 

“Kori!” Dick chided, though he clearly wasn’t actually shocked. Actually those who’d known the two of them for a while knew that was far more delicately put then she might have said it a couple years ago.

“What?” She said, blinking her bright green eyes innocently at Dick. “This is a romantic destination, and we love each other, we are only doing what is surely expected of a loving romantic union. I doubt your father wants to hear-”

“YES thank you Kori you’re right. We’ll make sure you and Dick, and Jason and Danny have your privacy,” Bruce promised.

Before the conversation could continue Ellie shrieked and dropped her bags, taking off running away from the group. It startled everyone, but hackles smoothed immediately when they spotted Dan, strolling across the lot to meet her at a more casual pace. He rolled his eyes but there was a smile on his face as he bent down to scoop Ellie up before she could headbutt him in the gut at full sprint. He was wearing regular clothes, a black shirt and pants with white stripes down the side, and his fiery hair had been gathered into a low ponytail. He still looked obviously inhuman with his grey-green skin and red eyes, but there were all sorts of meta-humans around and he didn’t look like a supervillain at least. 

Ellie scrambled from in his arms to onto his shoulders as he grumbled at her without any real heat behind it. He shrugged his shoulders, making her squeak and hold on tight as he strolled over to the rest of the group.

“I’m glad you could make it,” Danny said, approaching Dan and patting his arm.

“Hey I told you I would,” Dan said ruffling Danny’s hair and ignoring the way the humans around them shifted nervously. Danny was either ignoring it as well or hadn’t noticed the nerves.

“I don’t believe we’ve met!” Kori said cheerfully, holding out her hand to shake. 

“Hey, I’m Dan. I’m these two’s big brother, by technicality,” Dan joked, gesturing to Danny and Ellie with his free hand, shaking her hand and squeezing too hard. He looked impressed when her smile only brightened and she squeezed back just as hard. “And who might you be?”

“I’m Kori, I’m Dick’s partner,” She said brightly. “You seem strong, we should spar some time soon.”

“I’d like that,” Dan agreed with a shark's grin. Grunting and dropping the smile when Danny elbowed him in the side. 

“Behave,” Danny grumbled at him, getting a growl and an eye roll in return, before his gaze landed on Jason. 

“And you must be Danny’s boyfriend huh?” He asked, letting go of Kori’s hand and offering it to Jason.

“Ya, I am. It’s nice to meet you. He warned me about you,” Jason said, standing up straight and shaking Dan’s hand firmly, trying not to wince when he squeezed it far too tightly. 

“I’m sure he did. I warned me about messing with you too,” Dan cackled, letting go of Jason’s hand before it could crack and shoving his hands in his pockets. 

“Right, well now that everyone’s met each other let’s head inside hm?” Bruce interrupted trying to shoo them all towards the door. They were starting to attract attention standing out in the open like this. “We should pick out our rooms and get comfortable.”

“Ellie, how do you feel about sharing a room with Dan?” Danny asked, glancing up at his young clone, still perched on Dan’s broad shoulders. 

“I don’t need a babysitter!” Both Dan, and Ellie said at the same time before looking at each other, startled as Danny laughed.

“You’d both be absolutely terrible babysitters,” He said fondly. He expected them to get into a good deal of chaos together, but he did think that Ellie would keep Dan from killing anyone, or get Danny if things got completely out of control. 

“Fine, we’ll share,” Dan sighed, and Ellie nodded. 

“Thanks guys,” Danny said, smiling at his siblings before grabbing Jason’s hand and tugging him towards the door. “Come on, let’s go find the most extravagant room we can!”

--------------

There was a bit of a scramble for rooms, not that there weren’t plenty of rooms, but Step, Dick, and Tim were petty and silly and argued over the ‘best’ rooms. And of course once they started Ellie had to get in on the action. Danny and Jason left the younger ones (and Dick) to their squabbling and went to pick out their own room as far away from the rest as they could manage. They found a lovely one with an airy, beachy theme and a window seat looking out onto the ocean.

“It’s beautiful here,” Danny said, sitting down on the padded bench in front of the window and making grabby hands at Jason.

“Is it,” Jason chuckled, going to sit with Danny, who practically dived into Jason’s arms. “I wouldn’t want to live in a place like this, but it is very nice to visit.”

“Of course you wouldn’t, you're a Gothemite and a bat! If it’s not a little close, dark, or gloomy you stand out like a sore thumb,” Danny teased, nuzzling against the underside of Jason’s jaw, who laughed along. “I like our home and our nest though, it’s cozy,” Danny added before Jason could get insecure about it.

“Me too, do you want to unpack first or go exploring?” Jason asked softly.

“As much as I want to go exploring, I think we had better unpack before anyone tries to kick us out of our room by throwing out our bags,” Danny said with a put upon sigh, going nearly boneless against Jason’s chest. 

“You know you’re going to have to get up for us to unpack, right?”

“Noooo!”

-----------

The resort really was beautiful, and since they’d rented an entire floor it wasn’t as crowded as they were sure it usually was. Danny had never been to a place like this and he intended to make the most of it, all of it! The beach, the spa, and the incredibly fucking fancy restaurant and bar where he and Jason could actually drink since the Maldieves actually had a reasonable drinking age! 

Over the course of the week they got couples messages, got so drunk they had to lean on each other to get back to their room, and ordered far too much room service. But undoubtedly the beach was absolutely the main attraction. They spent a lot of time there, to the point Danny got a tan, and Jason was very glad he didn’t burn like Bruce did, who spent most of the second day laying on his stomach in bed with Alfred scolding him about not refreshing his sunscreen after swimming. On the second day Danny remembered he didn’t strictly have to breathe! And Jason spent the rest of the day sitting on the beach while Danny (and Ellie or Dan in turns) disappeared into the water for hours and came back to tell him about everything they saw.

On the third day Jason rented some scuba equipment so he could go down with his boyfriend and see all the wonders he’d been so excited about. At least the ones in shallower waters, he couldn’t follow Danny deeper where the pressure got too much, when Danny realized that he stuck to the shallower areas. By the time they got back to shore Jason was exhausted and very ready for supper, which was a family affair every night of the trip. It was really nice, since Alfred didn’t have to cook he could actually join them and he kept it from being too rowdy. 

They had to push tables together to accommodate the whole family, but the Waynes had more than enough money to get away with it and establish an extra long table for themselves for the entire week of their stay. They tended to eat late, which worked too because there were fewer people for them to disturb with their chatter and chaos, and the eleven of them were usually more than enough for the kitchen to contend with since most of them were big eaters. The dinners were really nice, it didn’t have the baggage of being at the manor, and though they’d met up in smaller groups all of them (minus Kate who had opted out) had never been in the same place. 

It was the perfect opportunity for… something, something that Dick unfortunately beat Jason too on the third night, during dessert when he got up from the table, and got down on one knee in front of Kori. Silence fell over the entire restaurant as Jason bit back a groan and quickly readjusted his expectations to be happy for his brother. 

“Koriand'r, you and I have been together for a long time, and we’ve been through a lot of shit. But never have I not been happy you were there with me for it. You’ve made all of it easier by letting me be by your side, and I hope you’ll let me stick by you for the rest of our lives. Will you marry me?” 

“Yes!” Kori yelped, holding out her hand and letting him put the ring on her finger before she grabbed his wrist and his collar and hauled him in for a passionate kiss as the family cheered and everyone around clapped politely. “You’ll have to come with me to pick out a ring for you as well My Love,” Kori told him warmly while Dick grinned like an idiot. 

“Congratulations!” Steph cheered, practically leaping over the table to tackle both of them as Bruce ordered a few bottles of the best champagne the resort could offer and everyone else lined up to congratulate them as well. Besides Dan, who was being ignored as he grumbled in the corner about how ostentatious and cliche the whole thing was. 

Hey, maybe if Danny secretly shared some of those thoughts Jason had dodged a bullet not being able to propose on this trip. He’d come up with a new plan, one Danny might even like better.

[vettelsvee]

COME WHAT MAY SERIES Prologue (previous): A phone call and a new beginning

⋆ Hey everyone! I'm almost done writing the first part of Come What May series and, since many of you are waiting for it and, also, asking me when I'll be posting... here's the beginning of the chapter and its name! ⋆ Special tags to @hc-dutch @raavadakedavra @coffeedestroyingperson @evey-kuznetskova @bowielovesyou @chaoswithus @isotopemylove @iceman-kazansky @residentdemonhunter @astronomyandfrogs @herdetectivetheorist @prttylight @i-love-sirius-black7 @dreamauri for being interested in this series <3 And of course special thanks to @maripiastri because Come What May series wouldn't exist without her 😭 ⋆ Also... let me know if you'd like me to post the chapter this week instead of next one! I'm open to suggestions, comments and questions too 🤠

"Sometimes I wonder if, besides whether I deserve everything I've achieved, I'm actually doing good enough to keep it. I mean... do I deserve my position at Red Bull, or are they just keeping me because Seb was the one who got me in, and now I'm also Mark's girlfriend? And about that last part... am I really what my boyfriend deserves, or, like dad says, is it just a passing fling of a few months where I only want to sleep with him as some sort of stress relief? Seb says that, as long as Mark makes me happy, that's what matters, but... does Mark really make me happy? Or is it..."

"I'll open the door, Dad!"

Louisa's voice, your little sister, snapped you back to reality.

Carefully, you put away the diary your best friend gave you, and your main source of therapy, in the nightstand drawer. Then, you jumped out of bed with a joy you hadn't felt in a long time.

You walked over to your desk, gently moving aside the scattered notes you still hadn't cleaned up despite having finished the semester two weeks ago. You made sure you looked as presentable as possible. Your hair, which fell over your shoulders, was perfectly straightened, though your bangs needed a little fixing. You decided to apply some lip balm as well not just to keep your lips hydrated, but to give them a little extra shine.

Then, somehow nervously for reasons you didn't want to recognize, you decided to adjust your clothes focusing on your own reflection, trying to come with positive affirmations about how everything you got was absolutely deserved.

You knew all too well that Sebastian Vettel was your best friend but, somehow, you always tried not only to look as perfect as possible in front of him, but also to let him know that you were truly worthy of his friendship.

No matter how much the German had cherished you since you both met in 2008, when you joined Toro Rosso as an intern and he was one of the team's drivers, you always had the feeling of not being for enough for him... Of not being worth to be close to him.

Suddenly, the door swung open, revealing your two younger sisters.

"Why are you taking so long?" Amelie, 15, asked. "It's not like your boyfriend is the one who came..."

"Yeah, yeah! Why are you extra pretty today?" the youngest, Louisa, who was 8, chimed in. "Seb is already downstairs waiting for you. He's talking to dad and uncle Hans, and I think they're talking about soccer. It's super boring."

"Shut up, would you?" the middle sister scolded the youngest, giving her a light tap on the shoulder. "Ignore her," she said to you. "What they're really doing is trying to figure out why Sebastian came over today and, more importantly, why he's staying with us for a few days. Care to explain?"

Your eyes widened because, as far as you remembered the conversation you had, Seb never mentioned anything about staying with you.

"What do you mean staying with us? Seb really said that?"

"Uncle Hans thinks he's just your friend, but dad thinks you're sleeping with him at the same time as Mark," Amelie replied.

"How could I be sleeping with Seb?!" You shouted, pulling your sisters into your bedroom and slamming the door shut. "That's... that's ridiculous. Yeah, that's what it is," you finished, trying your best not to curse and, also, trying to calm your nerves.

"But if dad says it, it must be true, Y/N," Lou said, a little annoyed. "You know dad never lies to us."

That was a lie, and you knew it perfectly. However, for her was just... the reality you made her live in since Bernhard, your dad, told the three of you he was dying from cancer.

"Listen to me, both of you," you cut in, ignoring their words. "I need you to behave and promise me something."

Amelie and Louisa exchanged curious glances before looking back at their older sister.

"I don't want you to mention anything Mark related in front of Seb. No jokes, no offhand comments about how much you dislike him... Absolutely nothing. Got it?"

"Why can't I tell Seb that I don't like Mark even it's the truth? Do I have to lie to him?" Lou asked innocently. "You always say we don't have to lie."

"Well, because..."

"If you're doubting so much it's because you really are fucking Seb. Don't get me wrong, but..."

"Amelie, watch your mouth, you're not alone!" you shouted, cursing her off while glancing at the youngest of you three.

"What does fucking mean? Does it mean you're boyfriend and girlfriend?" Louisa asked again, curious and innocent.

"Seb doesn't have a girlfriend anymore, okay?"

Your statement left the other two stunned. Louisa had really liked Hanna since she had always been nice to all of you whenever you'd met. Amelie, on the other hand, started wondering why the German driver, who had seemed so in love with his girlfriend for years, had suddenly broken up with her.

"Seb isn't with Hanna anymore?"

[herinsectreflection]

I have been struggling with whether or not to talk about why I've not been updating much lately. On one hand, I know I don't owe anybody anything. This is not my job, I do this for my own enjoyment and I am entitled to post as often or infrequently as I like. On the other hand, I am addicted to Explaining Things, that's why I'm planning to write 300k words about an old TV show I really like. So here, here are the reasons. I'm hoping that by writing them down my brain will stop latching onto them as sources of anxiety. 1) I got a job that I care about. I won't tell you what I do, but I will tell you that I work in a hospital. It takes a lot of mental energy, and unlike previous jobs, I no longer have the time or inclination to sneakily write essays in my downtime. Which sucks. I hate caring about the thing I'm paid for. It leaves less care for the things I'm not paid for.

2) Speaking of getting paid - I cancelled my ko-fi a few months ago. As much as I truly felt supported and humbled by the people who gave my money, I think it didn't help. Writing began to feel like something I owed the people who gave me money, rather than something I was doing because I wanted to.

3) I got into a polyamorous relationship. You ever tried to have free time while polyamorous? 'Nuff said.

4) I introduced one of my (then) partners to Buffy, and we ended up watching S3 while I was also trying to write about S3. I ended up oversaturated on S3. The most fun I had writing the earlier essays was when new ideas would hit me as I was watching. S3 doesn't feel as fresh to me, and so I don't feel eager to get to it.

5) In regards to S3, I've definitely been putting a lot of pressure on myself to say something particularly interesting and unique about it, since it is, you know, The Faith Season, and I have been branded The Faith Explainer. It's a lot of pressure for something that objectively does not matter at all. But that's anxiety disorders for you.

6) I have started new hobbies, new sports, and regular therapy. Which is all wonderful and has enriched my life, but it takes up free weekends rather quickly.

7) Speaking of therapy - you know that tweet that's like "I started new meds and now I'm not obsessed with BTS anymore"? There's a little of that going on I'm not going to lie.

8) Hyperfixations change and apparently I have not been fixating on Buffy for a little while. It's a lot easier to sink hours and hours into something when your brain has decided that that is all it wants to sink its time into.

9) I had major surgery 18 months ago and that has not not been a factor.

10) This post, I got three paragraphs into the Consequences essay and then decided to start Posting. I don't control these things.

11) ANXIETY

[alittlegiraffe]

Chapter 3: Hell No

You weren’t sure why you still showed up to marriage counseling.

Things had been better since you and Marshall called off the in-house separation. You talked more, touched more—loved more. There were still arguments, still things to work through, but the difference now was that neither of you felt like you were walking on eggshells, waiting for everything to fall apart.

Yet, here you were. Back in the office, sitting on the same couch, waiting for your counselor to tell you what else you needed to fix.

Marshall’s leg bounced next to you, his fingers drumming on his knee. He hated these sessions. The only reason he kept coming was because you wanted to—because he was trying, in his own way, to be better.

Your counselor, Mrs. Carter, adjusted her glasses and folded her hands over her notepad. "So," she started, looking between the two of you, "now that you’ve officially abandoned the in-house separation, how are things at home?"

Marshall scoffed. "Way better than when we were trying to act like each other didn’t exist."

You shot him a look. "It’s been… good. Better. We still have work to do, but I think we’re both making an effort now."

Mrs. Carter nodded. "That’s progress."

"Yeah, so can we, like… graduate from this therapy shit now?" Marshall asked, leaning back into the couch.

Your counselor sighed, giving him a knowing look. "Marshall, we both know there are still issues to address."

He groaned but didn’t argue.

Mrs. Carter flipped through her notes, then carefully said, "One of the concerns from your previous sessions was whether your relationship struggles come from an inability to function separately or from genuine incompatibility."

Your brows furrowed. "What are you saying?"

She set the notepad down. "I wonder if it would be beneficial to try a real trial separation. A month of living in different spaces, truly apart, to see how that affects your relationship—"

Marshall’s entire body went rigid.

"The fuck?" he snapped, sitting forward. "No. Hell no."

Mrs. Carter didn’t even flinch at his outburst. "Marshall—"

"You just said we were making progress, and now you wanna throw some real separation shit into the mix?" His jaw clenched. "We already tried being apart, and it didn’t fucking work. You really think putting a whole-ass house between us is gonna help?"

"Proximity can create a false sense of attachment," she explained, her voice calm. "If you’ve been dependent on each other for years, sometimes it’s hard to tell whether it’s love or habit—"

"Are you serious?" Marshall’s nostrils flared. He turned to you, his blue eyes burning with intensity. "You’re not actually considering this shit, are you?"

You swallowed, caught off guard by how strongly he was reacting. "I… don’t know."

The muscles in his jaw twitched. "You don’t know?"

"It’s not like I want to be away from you, Marshall," you said carefully. "But if it helps—"

"No."

His tone was final.

Mrs. Carter studied him. "You seem very against the idea of any space between you and your wife."

"Yeah, because she’s my wife." His grip on your thigh tightened, his fingers pressing into your skin like he needed to feel you there. "We already wasted weeks trying to act like we didn’t care about each other, and now you want us to actually live apart?"

"It’s not forever," Mrs. Carter pointed out.

"Doesn’t matter," he shot back. His voice dropped lower, rougher. "She’s mine. I’m hers. That’s it. I don’t need a trial run to know that."

Your breath caught at the raw possessiveness in his tone.

Mrs. Carter exhaled. "Marshall, no one is trying to take her from you."

"You can’t." His hand curled tighter around your thigh. "We’re done playing these bullshit separation games. I’m not sleeping in another bed. I’m not waking up without her. I’m not doing this shit anymore."

You had never seen him so worked up in one of these sessions before.

Marshall turned to you again, his expression fierce. "Tell me you don’t want this."

Your heart pounded. You placed your hand over his, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I don’t."

His shoulders relaxed slightly, though his grip on you never loosened.

Mrs. Carter let out a long sigh. "Well. That answers that."

Marshall let out a breath of his own and turned back to her. "So, unless you got some real advice, I think we’re done here."

Mrs. Carter shook her head but didn’t argue. "Just promise me this: If issues come up, talk about them. Don’t let them fester. If you need guidance, I’m here."

Marshall nodded stiffly, then stood, pulling you up with him.

The second you stepped out of the office, he pressed you against the hallway wall, his hands framing your face, his eyes searching yours like he was still making sure you were really there.

"You scared the hell out of me in there," he admitted.

"I wasn’t actually considering it," you murmured, brushing your fingers through his short hair. "I just didn’t want to dismiss it without thinking it through."

"Yeah, well, fuck that." He dipped his head, his lips ghosting over yours. "I’m never living without you again, you hear me?"

Your chest ached, but in a good way. A way that reminded you exactly why you had fought so hard to keep him.

"I hear you," you whispered.

"Good," he muttered before kissing you like he needed to prove it.

[tobbesdiscordkitten]

do you feel like axl still has a *small* chance of being a dad? it’s a weird question, but i saw how a lot of ur followers love axl (like me too, heyyy) and I thought that part of his life

obviously he’s older now, but there’s a handful of celebrities who’ve had children later. maybe he’s content w/ his life but a small part of me wishes he had that chance like his bandmates. wonder what they could’ve looked like for him lol

Hey! I’m so glad we have another Axl lover here ^.^

If Axl can get a woman pregnant now and have her carry his child then he’ll succeed in having that small chance come true lol.

Nah, all jokes aside, I totally get where you’re coming from, anon. I often think about how unfair it was for Axl to not have children of his own. He’s been through hell and back in life, he at least deserved to have kids. I’m not a religious person, but something in the universe forbade him from having that. Whatever the reason could be, I’m not sure, but I still think it’s unjust.

The closest thing Axl got to having his own family was being with the Lebeis family - Beta and Fernando - after his breakup with Stephanie Seymour.

In an interview conducted in the early 2000s, Beta explains, “according to [Axl], I am the mother he never had. He was impressed by the way I raise my children, the concern…He never had that. He calls me Beta and, sometimes, mama. I always make food and take it to the studio, I make pies, cakes…I call before the show to wish them good luck. I light candles for them. It’s like I am the mom of the whole band.” Fernando, Beta’s son, is the current manager of GNR, and has the same responsibilities that Alan Niven used to have back in the day.

While this wasn’t the exact outcome Axl expected in his life, he still received a tight-knit family he can call his own. Whenever he talks about it in interviews, he sounds content about the whole thing. If he’s happy about it, then I am, too. There’s no point in moping over him not having his own children when he has Beta and Fernando lol.

In 1989, Rock Scene asked Axl, “Would [you] make a good father?” Axl replied:

Um…not yet. I love kids, but I think I would be too hard on them because…A lot of people say that when they’re raised a certain way, “I’ll never be like that with my children,” but then those things seem to come out, whether you want them to or not, ‘cause that’s how you were taught to raise a kid. And I’m still wrestling with those things, and until I come to terms with them and feel like I could give a child the upbringing that it would deserve, I don’t want to attempt it.

Like I’ve said before, I’m so much of a perfectionist I don’t want to attempt it and end up smacking it when I shouldn’t have, or something. I don’t want to give a child anything bad to look back on except for what may have happened in just the natural course of life. I don’t want to be in the situation of, “Yeah, well if I wouldn’t have locked him in his room…” You see, I get along with my father real well now. Actually, he’s my stepfather, but he raised me. But I see some of the pain that he has to go through in dealing with the way he raised me, and the pain that I have to deal with in getting along with my father, and thinking back on certain things that happened every now and then, and how mad I get. I don’t want those things to happen.

I know this was a few years before he invested into regression therapy, but he thought about the idea of him having his own children, similarly to how the fandom questions, what would it have been like if Axl had kids?

Going back to Beta, Axl was adopted into her family, and they have been inseparable. She will always support and take care of him.

[tigergirltail]

TIGER HRT CHAPTER 4 - MONTH 3 - GROWING PAINS

First - Prev - Next

Everything hurts.

I started noticing it about two weeks after my first dose. It felt like a dull headache at first, but over the next month it spread to pretty much my entire body.

I had to start working from home, and eventually it got bad enough that I could only put in a few hours of work each day. My boss is a reasonable enough guy, but he wasn't going to pay a full time salary for part time hours, so I had to take a salary cut.

Luckily, my partner is around to take care of daily errands, not to mention being there to reassure and comfort me when the pain gets bad. They've been thinking about seeing if Lindwurm HRT is a thing, but they don't want to get the process started until I'm in the clear and can take care of myself again.

Gods I love them.

The reason the pain is happening, as best I can tell, is that my skeletal structure is already changing. I've gotten at least an inch taller, and my face has been reshaping into a feline muzzle. My teeth are getting sharper, and I'm developing proper fangs. I also noticed a little while ago that my fingernails and toenails had receded into their respective digits, which sucks for two reasons - I can't paint fingernails I don't have, and they are sore as HELL when I put any amount of pressure on them. I have to be REALLY careful with how I type to not inflict agony on myself. I'm also feeling my tail growing in, and even if it hurts, it's euphoric as HELL. A tail was always the part I wanted most out of this.

It's weird, the skeletal changes weren't supposed to happen this early. I've been trying to reach Dr. Erian about it, but he's constantly busy, probably because of the sudden surge of people looking for Humanity Removal Therapy.

Other than that, I've been getting areas of white and black fur coming in - mostly on my arms and legs, but a little bit on my face and ears - ears that are gradually reshaping and migrating. Nothing to report on hearing sensitivity, but I think my night vision is getting better.

I did a little bit of looking around for anyone with similar pain experiences. I got my hopes up when I found a girl, Antonina, who had a painful experience with Cat HRT, but it turns out it's because she took the rumoured Fifteen Minute version. She described the pain as "like bathing in an active volcano".

It leaves me wondering whether I would have preferred a 15-minute lava bath over a months-long full-body headache.

I ended up reaching out to her anyway, just because I wanted to know what I was in for in the endgame and feline HRT is rarer than I thought it would be. Sounds like the prey drive is the real deal - she keeps feeling the urge to bite this one girl who's on mouse HRT.

We've been spending some time comparing notes and getting to know each other. It's nice to know someone else who's going through this thing, even if our experiences aren't exactly one-to-one.

I also talked to my mother for the first time in nearly a year. I went No Contact with her a while back because she was only getting more obnoxious and combative about me being trans, but I figured changing my species is a big enough deal that I should keep her in the loop.

Besides, my savings had nearly dried up and I needed to ask her for money.

It… did not go well. She hadn't heard of therian HRT before, and once I explained it, she started panicking about how I'm "mutilating my body" with "untested treatments". I think I also heard her cry something about how her "son" is "killing himself", which is just multiple layers of insensitive.

At least she sent me some money. Hopefully it'll be enough to last until my transformation stops being agonizing and I can go back to work, and then I can go right back to pretending my family doesn't exist.

At roughly the three-month mark, I have a check-in video call with Dr. Erian. From the moment his face appears on screen, though, I can tell something is wrong. He seems… older, somehow.

"Hello, Miss Alexis.", he offers. He sounds tired. Sorrowful, even.

"Hey, doc." I have to ask about it. "Everything okay? You seem a bit tired."

"Nothing to worry about Miss Alexis, just the ordinary stresses of daily life."

Liar. I know I'm not entitled to details of your personal life, much less your professional secrets, but I know when something is eating at someone.

"…Does the word 'crossroads' mean anything to you, Miss Alexis?"

Huh? That came a bit out of left field. "I've… heard some other therian HRT patients use the term, but I don't know much of the details. Something about a point of no return?"

"Something of the sort." He lowers his head and seems to go from sorrowful to downright grim. "There will come a time, Miss Alexis, when you will have to make a very important decision in your care, and I ask that you do so with great consideration for the consequences."

I recoil a little in my seat. "Yeah… Of course I will. Any decision I make, even reaching out to you in the first place, I don't take it lightly."

"Good… That's good." His demeanor shifts back to his stoic, clinical self. I don't know what just happened, but he went somewhere for a moment there.

"Now then, I did receive your messages, I apologize for not getting back to you. You mentioned you were experiencing persistent and debilitating whole-body soreness?"

"Yeah. I can't even leave the apartment most days, it hurts so much."

"Odd… You are taking the treatment as directed, yes?"

"Of course. One tablespoon a week, just like it says on the bottle."

I see his eyes twitch behind his glasses. Did I say something wrong?

"…Teaspoon."

I cock my head to the side. "Say again?"

"You mean one TEASPOON a week, yes?"

I feel my heart sink. The dark smear on the dosage information… I could have sworn it said '1 tbsp/week'.

"…Could you hold on a second please?" I mute the mic and call out to my partner to bring the bottle of tiger HRT over. When they do, I unmute and hold it up to the webcam. I hear Dr. Erian take a sharp intake of breath as he notices the obscured instructions.

I set the bottle aside and the two of us share an awkward silence.

"So…", I begin. "…How bad is it?"

"The good news", he offers slowly, "is that you have only been taking three times the prescribed dose. An increased dose imbalances the growth rate of the different parts of your body, hence your pain and persistent weakness, but it could have been much worse."

I think back to the so-called Fifteen Minute version, and Antonina's description of it - like bathing in an active volcano.

Dr. Erian continues. "Assuming you return to a CORRECT dose, your growth rates will gradually level out over the course of the next month or so. It is my medical opinion that you should maintain a low-activity lifestyle until then, but you will eventually be able to return to your typical activity level, and you will also find that the physical effects become more… consistent."

"That's… reassuring. Thank you, doctor." I pause. Something I noticed a little while ago has been weighing on my mind. "There's one thing, though - do the treatments have… I guess you'd call them restorative or regenerative effects? I've noticed some old wounds aren't there anymore."

The doctor clicks his pen and brings up his notepad. "Interesting. Do go on, Miss Alexis."

"Well… I used to get lower back pain from a car crash injury I got a little over a year ago, but I haven't noticed it at all lately. Pretty much the only part that DOESN'T hurt… There also used to be some marks on my arm from a cat biting me when I was little." I give a slight smile. "The cat's name was Tiger, go figure."

Dr. Erian is writing the whole time I'm talking. "Yes, that is to be expected. Minor persistent injuries will fade over time as your body re-forms itself to a new baseline, even severe chronic symptoms may fade. If there are no other concerns…"

"Just one… Most of the other therian HRT patients I've talked to have gotten their meds as pills, so what's with the potion bottle?"

Dr. Erian pauses, and adjusts his glasses nervously, as if he's been caught out on something he doesn't want to admit to. "Well… advances in the field are occurring rapidly, and you are one of the more recent patients, so a more… streamlined option was available to you. I took the liberty of choosing the most compatible option based on your medical records, and that bottle is it."

"Okay… But what's IN it?"

"The active ingredients are antihominidone, which is your humanity-blocker, and a specialized formula of felistrogen, infused with white tiger genetic material. The rest of the fluid is a suspension used to dilute the effects, without which you would be looking at a short, but excruciating and potentially lethal process."

The Fifteen Minute version, I think to myself. I'm taking diluted Fifteen Minute meds. There's no WAY this isn't experimental, and I'M the experiment. I despise saying it, but maybe my mother was right to worry.

"But I'm afraid I really do have to go, Miss Alexis, my next appointment is waiting."

"G-gotcha. See ya, doctor."

---

Special thanks to @paintedbytosia for letting me write her in, and shoutout to @megamoonerjenny for coming up with 'antihominidone'

[kurisus]

Link Click Bridon Arc: Thoughts

I'm back to make yet another compilation of my unhinged ramblings from this miniseason. Spoilers for all episodes under the cut.

So we're 3 for 3 on crazy shit happening around Lu Guang on each season finale, huh? First he gets stabbed, then the longest-running fan theory about him is proven true, then he does something nobody saw coming and nobody can figure out.

Like, seriously, when I saw LG threatening Vein in the PV after episode 5, I was scared he was going to make things worse for himself, but turns out it was a threat he followed through on.

Much like everyone else, I'm clueless on what exactly he did (I did watch/read the interview clips where the director elaborated on it a little, but those didn't explain much since it's going to be covered in season 3), but I do have a few observations from revisiting the episode.

Shao Yuanyuan was about to tell Cheng Xiaoshi something else ("One more thing") before Vein interrupted them, and I suspect it was something to do with that eye symbol that keeps popping up (in the Xia Fei PV and on the notebook Wang Qing keeps in her office).

The notebook was what Vein was after, and WQ disappeared with it. She must have grabbed it and skedaddled, since I was under the impression LG and the police arrived very quickly.

What was in the notebook? I have a feeling it has something to do with whatever the hell was on Liu Min's phone that everyone in season 2 was fighting to get their hands on. Something to do with powers, or the true cause of the fire...

SYY is trying to prevent Cheng Weimin's death, and urges CXS not to return to the fire to prevent interference. However, he already was there, and changed the course of events slightly. She also seems to realize at the end that she's not the only one fucking around with the timeline, making things yet more unpredictable. Her existing interference could also be why LG felt things changing slightly in Bridon despite trying to replicate the original events as closely as possible to reach his end goal of killing Vein.

The cause of death on Vein is...odd, and I wonder if it was falsified or something, since it wasn't like his body was sent to burial or cremation. If anyone, he has the power to falsify records. Liu Xiao went to fetch him in what appears to be a morgue, and that's as far as we can tell.

Does LX's power of hearing heartbeats extend to being able to manipulate heartbeats? Did he revive Vein, or is WQ's ability the one to create a fake death, and thus he was aware there was a time at which the subject returns to life?

The only thing that's bugging me about this was the director waffling on whether LG really knew Vein was dead (eventually saying "no"), when he appeared to work together with WQ to bring him down. If he just wanted to stall Vein to give WQ time to escape, he would have known he wouldn't actually be dead.

And what was up with LX telling XF "If you knew each other's secrets, would you still be friends?" What secrets does XF have, apart from being a student at Bahati? Why did everyone they asked about CWM look horrified at the mention of his name? I think it's obvious he started the fire, but there's gotta be something else that's being kept from us about him.

They also never explained how Vein seemed to know the boys were coming (the post-credits scene of him reading the texts about the flight info). Via LX? How did he know?

Anyway, on to the analogy of the last episode. I feel like this part, and the beginning of the therapy session, was really WQ talking to CXS, but as soon as she took that photo on her phone, it switched to SYY.

So the story goes, the animals can't figure out who started the fire and pay a detective to do it. The fire is pretty clearly the Bahati incident (because it is a literal fire), but it's also an overall analogy for CXS and LG sticking their noses in where they shouldn't. They, as the detectives, are hired to figure out who started the metaphorical fire, and I suppose the animals in this case are their clients?

To make this a proper mystery, though, it's missing motive from each of the animals and the detective. What could they gain by burning their home down? What conflicts existed between them that could have escalated to this? Honestly I don't blame CXS for giving the glib "No one started the fire" answer, since I was thinking the same thing. There's a theory LG said a different answer, and that's why it wasn't stated to the audience, so I wonder if that will come back into play later.

Speaking of, there are a lot of things that keep building up that haven't been fully explained, and I wanted to briefly recap my season 2 retrospective since I have a few questions that have been answered since then.

CXS inherited his powers from his mother, and gave them to LG when he died, so presumably LG still has both sets of powers (this was also stated on his character sheet for this arc), unless CXS's faded afer he stayed in the photo for 12 hours. This, therefore, means Qiao Ling has Li Tianxi's powers, and LTX is confirmed to have died.

Her death was something I opposed last time due to not being shown a body, BUT considering this show's genre, it's highly likely her brother will focus on using it to try to bring her back to life, rather than change the course of events with his mother like before. However, since multiple timelines aren't a thing here, I wonder how he will go about it. Either way, we haven't seen the last of her.

Last time I also wondered if Li Tianchen would get a redemption arc or get worse, and I want to think with the introduction of Vein (and possibly XF) as a villain, his sister's power going to QL (one of the good guys), and him generally being manipulated by far worse people, he's going to get better. At the same time, though, he's known LX for a long time, and seems to trust him completely. It's going to take a lot to disillusion him from his childhood friend.

Anyway, another thing I wondered in my retrospective was how many times LG has rewound time, saying my gut feeling was that this was his first. Bridon itself was definitely his first time re-experiencing it, since he kept comparing stuff to "last time" instead of "previous times" and was generally surprised by changes happening.

However, while I'm less inclined to think that now due to inconsistencies with season 1 compared to Bridon (CXS having no clue about his parents, CXS not knowing what would happen if he dove without LG), the events of episode 6 seem to lead directly into season 3.

On the other other hand, there's also the matter of the inconsistencies in the photo studio fight in episode 1 of Bridon, as well as the time lag of about 1 hour from CXS getting shot to LG diving back to the basketball game (I was right about the dive point being the basketball game, heh). There were a lot of animation errors and inconsistencies in this miniseason, which I'll get to, but the issue of the blood streaks suddenly appearing across the floor, and the fact that "Vein" left even though LG, his presumed target, was trapped in a locked room, leads me to think there was more going on. There was also LG going from being uninjured to quite badly injured in that time. (Yes, I've read the "Vein in episode 1 was actually XF" theory, and I don't fully subscribe to it but I do think it's an interesting choice to make XF left-handed in his PV and show Vein shooting a gun with his left hand.)

We also still don't know why this is the "last chance" for LG as opposed to the "only chance." Was that a bad translation? Did he have multiple photos from the game? Did he experience Bridon multiple times, and kill Vein multiple times? It seems weird he'd request a do-over after successfully (he thinks) pulling that off.

In any case, creating an unchangeable death node before another death node to alter the course of events leading to it answers my question about why LG thought "better me than him" when he got stabbed. He thought that might further change the course of events to prevent CXS's death, and was fine with it if that was the case. Plus since this is his last chance, if this doesn't work, nothing will.

I also wondered about LX's powers last time, and we got confirmation he can hear heartbeats, but I doubt that's his only power. I think he stole the power of that guy he played Russian Roulette with in episode 2, since what else was the purpose of that scene except to show us there's a guy with the ability to see various outcomes? He was arrested, not killed, so perhaps LX was just keeping him safe to murder him and take his power later, but I fully believe he has it by the end of season 2. Who else has he been taking powers from?

On a different note, the visual inconsistencies went crazy this season. There was the two frames of CXS having yellow eyes in the first episode that everyone said was evidence that the boys are in an endless loop of diving back to save each other before it was confirmed to be a mistake. I don't necessarily hate the theory on its own, but it was kind of funny to see people going feral over what seemed to me to be an obvious mistake.

There was also the matter of XF's disappearing rug with the eye pattern on it, the book in episode 1 switching between paperback and hardcover, the photo of the trio shattering in a different way, there suddenly being streaks of blood across the floor into the darkroom (though the jury's still out on whether that was intentional, like I explained above. Seems to me like a big detail to overlook). There are also smaller clothing errors. When rewatching episode 6, I was amused by how Vein's sleeves/gloves are drawn differently in every single shot, sometimes disappearing altogether.

I was attributing these errors to the co-director Yuanyuan Lu being young and inexperienced with directing a whole 6-episode miniseason, but there was also the recent news this was supposed to release later in 2025 but was pushed up to winter 2024.

Undoubtedly this was due to the show suddenly increasing in popularity throughout/at the end of season 2, but I'm bummed about it. I'm willing to wait to not have animators overworked, and I hope season 3 doesn't follow the same pattern of being rushed through production to meet demand. Let them cook!!!! They've got something interesting!!!!!!

I saw people complaining about the season being released with 6 episodes instead of 8 like they originally said, but I'm personally fine with the longer first episode since I know those same people would have been complaining about it taking half a season to get to Bridon in the arc named Bridon...ahem. The pacing was kind of weird in the first episode, but the rest were fine, so I do think it was just due to splicing 3 shorter episodes together.

Final thoughts: this miniseason left us with still more unanswered questions, and I hope that in season 3 they start answering them instead of letting them pile on each other without going back. An effective mystery/thriller has a point at which everything clicks into place, and I feel like there's no way they can have one single moment like that without it feeling cheap, so I'm going to resign myself to not having everything addressed. Just as long as they wrap enough stuff up neatly, though, I'll be satisfied.

That's really my only concern. I enjoyed the hell out of this season, short as it was. It was totally unpredictable in a great way, and I generally found it very charming to watch as opposed to season 1 constantly making me cry and season 2 stressing me out every week.

Will season 3 be the last one? Considering it's 24 episodes and the way the plot is moving, it seems like it. However, nothing's been confirmed yet, so I guess it depends on the demand and the studio's production schedule. While I want to see it next year, I don't mind waiting longer if that means everyone isn't rushing to meet deadlines!!!! Please let them cook!!!!!! I'm just one guy but I'm yelling Very Loudly in the hopes that they can hear me.

If yall think I'm bad now...imagine how frazzled I'm going to be after six straight months of Link Click Thursdays, oh lord.

That's all for now. Thanks for reading, and see ya next time!

[boy-gender]

Hi, i was wondering if you could help with something. My mom (who is fairly supportive of the lgbtq+ community, she doesn't understand everything but she tries her best) was telling me that she saw on the news that one of the drugs they give trans people is the same as the cancer drug a family member of ours is on (i don't know the name), and I'm trying to figure out if it's true or if there's more to it (for example, if it's main use is for transition, but it can also be used for cancer), so that i can help explain things to her. I have a feeling it's not true, so I'm trying to find out whether it is or not

Actually, your mom is correct! She's probably talking about a class of drug called a hormone blocker. Certain cancers can be "fed" by hormones, making them grow faster. For example, breast cancer can "feed" on estrogen and progesterone, and prostate cancer can feed on androgens like testosterone. The cancer can use these to grow faster and even spread to other parts of the body.

So, much like in trans people, doctors can prescribe hormone blockers to cancer patients to cut off the "food source" for these cancers in hopes of slowing the spread. A breast cancer patient may take a blocker that stops their body making estrogen so the cancer can't use it. Same in prostate cancer patients who need androgen blockers.

With trans people, usually the hormone their body is naturally dominant with will be blocked, and then they'll start taking an 'opposite' hormone. Like, if I'm a trans man whose body naturally produces more estrogen, I would take e-blockers to stop or slow estrogen production, and then I would begin taking an androgen or masculinizing hormone like testosterone. In a breast cancer patient whose body is naturally estrogen dominant, they would also take the e-blocker to stop or slow estrogen production, but they probably wouldn't begin taking a replacement hormone (going back to either their natural estrogen or artificial/added estrogen) until after their cancer is in remission.

If you take a hormone blocker but don't replace it with something (switching from e to t for instance) or go back to your hormone after (e to e or t to t), then you'll basically enter menopause. Yes, even in cisgender men. Decreases in bone density, loss of fertility, mood swings, hot flashes, etc.

Tl;dr- You might know a cancer patient and a trans person on the same hormone blockers, because hormone therapy is used for many things besides just transitioning! It can be used for fertility treatments, certain cancers, and dealing with menopause.

You might find this article helpful for you and your mom; I'm not a doctor so let Yale scientists explain it better lol.

[hannyhann]

skz bias - first impressions

hi guys <33 it’s been a minute !! I had an idea that I thought would be cute , as either a thread or comments. I thought about hearing how yall first found ur bias for skz!! <33 I’m gonna tell mine below! feel free to leave urs

if you’re not a fan of skz, just tell the story of how you found ur ult bias! if you don’t have a bias in skz, tell me how you found the group :3

I remember the first time I listened to stray kids was in 2020, it was the middle of the pandemic and I had been deep into my bts phase (still am). I was trying to branch out in kpop, since the only groups I were a fan of were bts and black pink.

I was sifting through kpop playlists and came across a song called “Gods Menu” as it was late at night and 15 year old me was trying to keep the volume low. quarantine times am I right? I remember never hearing anything like stray kids before.

I stayed up all night listening to stray kids music, however ultimately I forgot about stanning them or learning the members until a few months later as I was going through a depression spell. I wouldn’t come across stray kids again until april of 2021. I still kept up, but again I didn’t know any members except for felix. however that would quickly change.

I was on vacation in april of 2021 and I’m watching some bts videos when the person that made the videos mentions someone named “bang chan.” I was like “bang chan? why does that name sound familiar.” so I looked him up and these were the first images I have ever seen of him

sure i knew he was in stray kids but i never learned all of the members until then. but chris looked so gorgeous. I had never seen anyone so handsome. I couldn’t tell you what it was but my depression spell seemed to ease away. I was watching videos of him, interviews, early videos from back in the day when he was training. he inspired me to do well in school, get back into my friends, studies, and take care of those important around me.

the thing that stood out the most for me was when he said “don’t hurt yourself.” which at that point I wanted to because of my depression, a horrible breakup, and I had been graped and SA’d that year and previous so the last thing I wanted was to be alive in those months. however, as corny as it may seem, those words stopped me from hurting myself. it took a long time to heal, but I always had it in the back of my mind.

chris inspired me to go to therapy and talk to professional help about what I was going through. I would always watch his live stream rooms and they would heal me. chris is such a wonderful human being and a beautiful individual. he saved me <33 things happen for a reason and me finding him was what healed me.

stray kids and especially chris as a whole have healed me. they hold a special place in my heart and I will always be grateful for them.

I was heartbroken when I couldn’t get to see them during their maniac tour and the last time they were in the states. however I am happy to say that after 5 years I will be seeing them in atlanta on june 10th, 2025. I can’t contain my excitement, I genuinely got emotional when I got the tickets.

chris, bang chan, chris bahng has healed me in ways I cannot explain. it’ll probably never happen, but if I ever get to meet him I would hug him and genuinely say thank you. having that comfort person is never a silly thing, because deep down that comfort person has saved you more times over. whether that be an idol, actor, celebrity, religious figure, parent, guardian, or friend. if you have that comfort and help, you are valid <33

(credit to any original creators of pictures, besides photos of me lol)

[yayspring]

having an internal conversation about what is the appropriate amount to share tmr when i (hopefully) get an appt with my doctor, who i haven't spoken to in a long time (all the drs ive seen post-berlin are just random Other Doctors rather than the one i actually like and have a good rship with)

i want to be honest about how much im not coping but not to the extent that he wont give me what im asking for (pills they are funny about prescribing)

not worried about being hospitalised bc. it just wont happen unless im actually in the room holding a noose, and i dont even know how to tie them

but i am wondering whether or not to bring up the random pill mixings and the aliens specifically bc im unsure if they'll help me in my quest for serious sedatives or harm me lol. i will also say that ana keeps all the intense pills anyway (true - even tho i think its just for hteir own peace of mind tbh but im happy to make concessions like that to make ana less abjectly terrified im going to kill myself all the time lmfao)

was thinking that explaining the random pill mixings might show my desperation in getting to sleep, and that im better off if he prescribes me something that doesnt have an uncomfortably high chance of causing me long-term damage, but ana thinks it's a bad idea to bring this up bc he might just shut down on me entirely pillwise and (i assume) try and funnel me down a talking therapy / NHS CBT type route instead of what i need: just to be fucking knocked out every night i was thinking i would bring the aliens up bc i figure that's a fairly easy thing to make sound like it's entirely a lack of sleep problem. it might actually even be that idk. they haven't come back sinec the last time i mentioned it here, which was after a period of no food or sleep for 24h. (i wont mention how much this devastated me) i was also thinking id point out that he's prescribed me valium for ... i wanna say 4?? years without me getting dependent on them also need to pointo ut im self employed/working two jobs/paying extra bills and cannot get a "sick note" or take time off bc there literally isnt anyone to give a sick note to - i need to make money, i dont qualify for sick pay so no matter how nuts i get it litreally doesnt matter. so instead i need to get decent sleep

[adamwatchesmovies]

Joker: Folie à Deux (2024)

I applaud Joker: Folie à Deux for its ambition and the way to its choices… but unfortunately for director Todd Phillips, this movie doesn’t really have an audience. For reasons I don't quite understand, a certain demographic related to 2019's version of The Joker. They’re sure to hate how much time Joaquin Phoenix’s Arthur Fleck/Joker spends as an impotent asylum patient searching for a way back to the real world. Fans of musicals and of co-star Lady Gaga will be let down by the soundtrack, which contains only one original song. Comic book readers will be disappointed to see the character separated even further from his illustrated counterpart. Finally, those who enjoyed the first film will find this follow-up underwhelming. The fact that it makes several unorthodox choices will initially pique your interest, but that enthusiasm is sure to fizzle out.

Two years after the events of the first film, Arthur Fleck (Phoenix) is in custody at Arkham State Hospital, waiting to be tried for the murders he committed. His lawyer, Maryanne Stewart (Catherine Keener) plans a defense based around the dissociative identity disorder she believes Arthur developed after an abusive and traumatic childhood. Assistant District Attorney Harvey Dent (Harry Lawtey) will be seeking the death penalty. When Fleck meets Harleen “Lee” Quinzel during a music therapy session, he finds a kindred spirit. She’s admired him ever since she saw him don his trademark makeup and they fall in love, potentially derailing Stewart’s defense.

Joker: Folie à Deux begins with an animated musical number so right away, you know you’re in for something different. Too different. When Phillips announced this sequel would be a musical, I was intrigued. Fleck is introduced as an inmate of Arkham. All you think about is “When is he getting out?” and only stop wondering when he passes by Lee. “Of course; we’ve got to introduce her before The Joker can be set loose and start building his criminal empire”. You think the show's about to start when Lee and Arthur briefly escape. What you don't know is that Folie à Deux is a courtroom drama.

One of the main issues with the film is Stewart's plan to defend Fleck. She says he’s got dissociative identity a.k.a. multiple personality disorder. We spent the whole first movie getting to know this version of The Joker. We know he doesn’t have a split personality. Any psychological cross-examination isn’t going to tell us anything new. You wonder where that idea is going - not in a good way.

The next issue comes with the courtroom drama element. Fleck is in custody so his time with Lee is limited. Even when they're together, they're often separated by a glass wall or other barriers. You expect the pair to go on a wild crime spree. You keep waiting and waiting until you give up, which leaves you time to look at the story as a whole. You realize you don’t quite understand the uproar and protests surrounding Fleck’s Joker persona. Why are people gathering outside the courthouse? Why are people clamoring for his release? In the first movie, the situation in Gotham was so chaotic you could buy that his violent acts were the spark that lit the fire. This film is begging for a news interview that explains why Fleck is a big deal to all these people. We care because The Joker is one of the great fictional villains. Why do they care?

Speaking of comic book origins, let's talk about how much this film disregards the source material. I enjoyed Joker as a black label/Elseworlds story but seeing this character's journey threatens to sour even the first movie for me. I'm not opposed to this "Batman without Batman" idea but the film's conclusion makes the "Joker" name feel like a gimmick, a label slapped on to sucker people in - the cinematic equivalent of throwing The Joker on an issue of a struggling title to boost sales, whether the Clown Prince of Crime appear in the story or not. The implications during the conclusion and the threads that would link Folie à Deux to a bigger Batman story are cringe-inducing. It kind of makes you glad the film tanked at the box office, guaranteeing this is the end of it.

I don't know if being a great musical could've saved the film, but it couldn't have hurt. Too bad the picture's use of musical cutaways is unimaginative and ultimately, unnecessary. There's nothing in the song and dance numbers you couldn't have deduced from the dialogue and they don't advance the story, meaning they only serve to bloat the running time to 138 minutes.

The second I saw how much money Joker made, I could only think of two things: "I bet you there's going to be a sequel" and "Please, let them take their time with it and not screw it up". Well, I guess they didn't rush this second one out but this? It's not what anyone was hoping for. I think Joker: Folie à Deux might become a film that "lives on" as one of Hollywood's great miscalculations. (December 27, 2024)

[bloodmaarked]

i want to die but i want to eat tteokbokki // baek sehee

first published: 2018 read: 02 january 2025 pages: 208 format: e-book

genres: non-fiction; mental health; memoir first line: "classic signs such as hearing voices, intrusive thoughts and self-harming aren't the only signs of depression."

rating: 🌕🌕🌗🌑🌑 thoughts: ended 2024 on a high, started 2025 on a low 😭 i want to die but i want to eat tteokbokki wasn't a bad book per se, but it really didn't do anything for me and i didn't enjoy the reading experience. i just wasn't engaged!

i was not a fan of the writing style. the majority of the book is made up of transcripts of baek sehee's therapy sessions - back and forth dialogue between her and her psychiatrist. i don't know how faithfully it was transcribed, whether it was highly edited for clarity or conciseness, or if the issue lies in the translation. or perhaps these were genuinely true to life. but these therapy excerpts felt messy, directionless, and all over the place. they would jump from topic to topic without much resolution or meaningful discussion. oftentimes changes in topic felt like complete non sequiturs. for example, in chapter 2 she talks to her therapist about an outing with friends where she overthinks whether or not everyone (herself included) is enjoying themselves. the therapist responds that her consideration of other people's feelings seems to border on obsession. then she responds, "it does. and it used to take a long time for me to fall asleep, but the pills you prescribed make me feel sleepy at the right time." like, what? what do the pills have to do with anything? they're not mentioned in the chapter prior to this line. these odd changes in the direction of the conversations happened constantly, and by the end of the chapter it was difficult to garner what we - or indeed, the author - were supposed to get out of that session. the dialogue also read as choppy and stilted, and again i think this might be due to a translation issue, but it just meant that i was disengaged. which was a real shame because, as someone who has experienced depression and therapy, i wanted to be able to relate to the writing and find the common ground which the author stated she wanted to craft with this book.

i was also left with the feeling that the psychiatrist was not the most helpful. again, i'm comparing to my own experiences here, but i felt like the psychiatrist often spoke down to baek sehee, or was at times quite abrupt. i think it's very important to have a therapist who challenges your way of thinking, rather than one who just listens to you offload for an hour, but it didn't come across like they were taking that approach either. it just read as condescending. and it didn't sit right with me that at one point, the psychiatrist told the author that "your anxiety can become a burden to others". i'm no professional but i feel like it's absolutely the wrong approach to tell someone that their feelings and emotions that they are seeking therapy for are burdensome? the therapist writes a note at the end of the book, and they do regret some of the way in which they approached the therapy. i come away from this wondering how helpful it all was for the author though; by the end of the book i'm not certain how much noticeable change there has been in her attitude. a lot of her personal musings outside of the therapy sessions seem to outline her positive hopes and dreams for her future mental wellbeing, rather than explaining her present-day growth following her treatment.

in the end, IWTDBIWTET was different from my expectations; i was hoping for a little more depth and perhaps a little more humour based on the title (which is doing a lot of heavy lifting i might say). it didn't quite work for me and i wouldn't go on to read the second book, but perhaps it might be more insightful to another reader.

[bucketofpurpleicecubes]

Closing the Gender Gap in STEM

I came out to my coworkers on October 23rd, just about a year after I first considered the fact that I might be transgender, a month and a half after my first dose of HRT, and a day before my 28th birthday. I had talked to my bosses a couple of weeks earlier to bring them up to speed, and they were absolutely wonderful in letting me direct how I wanted to let everyone know. My company suggests opening every staff meeting with a safety briefing and a diversity message, and I had decided that I would stand up and speak to the team during one of those, but hadn't decided if I'd do it in the next meeting, or push it off a bit.

I attended a Halloween party on Saturday the 21st (more on that later), and the next morning, I texted my boss and told her that I needed to say my piece during Monday's meeting. She immediately agreed and updated the Powerpoint slides for me.

I showed up to work on Monday, and wrote. I put in my headphones, and let it all flow. After half an hour, I stopped, took a second to edit the clumsiest bits, and then headed to my staff meeting. Below is that writing, more or less exactly how I presented it, with some edits for privacy:

"Good morning everyone. Apologies for reading off my laptop, I had to get my thoughts written down to make any sense of them

To get straight to the point, for the last several months, and from here forward, I have been making and will continue to make changes in my life to live as a female presenting person. A trans woman.

My original intention was never to make it a big part of my work life, and to never do anything like this, but for a couple of reasons, in the last several weeks I've had a change of heart

First, in this environment of the increasing politicization of transness, I feel that I owe it to myself and to the LGBTQ Community to live my life authentically: for my own sake, to honor those that have come before who were not given the opportunities that I have, and to those that will come after, and deserve to see representation in engineering, and in the communities I move in in my personal life

Secondly, however, is a much more practical reason. Over the last year or so, I've changed little parts of my gender expression, in growing out my hair, or painting my nails, things like that. To this point, it's been easy enough to hand wave those away as being a quirky guy, but over the next months and years, these changes will be a little harder to explain away.

In the last decade of my professional experience I've amassed quite a collection of polo shirts, and while I don't plan to throw them all out tomorrow and change my wardrobe overnight, maybe over time they start to get retired and replaced with something else.

Similarly, as I start hormone replacement therapy, the timeline I've been given is on the scale of months and years, rather than days and weeks. I don't know when you all would have started to notice things naturally, but after only a month I've already noticed my skin softening, and am working on feminizing the characteristics of my voice

Eventually, when I'm ready, and I've had a version of this conversation with the other teams I work with, I'll reach out to HR to change my name in the system, and take care of the paperwork details on [COMPANY'S] side

So, regardless of the speed of my personal ramp plan for my launch, whether it's a change in my appearance, my outfits, or my name, I figured that all of you would figure it out eventually. Knowing that, I reached out to [BOSS] and the supervisors to put this little introduction together, so that I could put everything on the table now, rather than putting it off and waiting for the awkward questions in 6-18 months when I can't pretend it's not happening anymore

With that said, however, I expect that there will be plenty of questions, awkward or otherwise. I want to express now that I will be a totally open book if you have any questions for me, and I have already spoken to your supervisors (and [LGBT COWORKER]) to empower them to be someone you can go to if you'd rather not bring things up with me directly.

At the end of the day, I'm still going to log in to work every day and continue to spend time with the [CONFIDENTIAL] programs, and to work with all of you. I am confident that, perhaps after a short period of awkwardness, it'll be like nothing ever changed. I'll still be tall, a little awkward, and just as bad at fantasy football as I've always been. I'll just look a little different

Thank you all for giving me a few minutes of your time. I'm going to hand things back to [BOSS] to finish the staff meeting, but as I said, I thoroughly welcome conversations with each and every one of you (directly or through your supervisors) if you have anything you want or need to discuss"

[multiplicity-positivity]

This might be kind of out of your wheelhouse, but I am really struggling w conveying something to my therapist and was wondering if u might have any resources that could help. My therapist continues to use parts language and views the others in my system as just "parts" when I've repeatedly expressed that that language does not encompass our experience. It's making it really hard to talk to her about anything system related. I am her first client w DID so I know she is still learning and I think most "surface literature" insists that system members are just parts and should not be validated as anything else. But my therapist has been really receptive and understanding to disagreements I have w medical literature in the past, so I do think I can talk to her about this and get her to change at least in the context of our sessions together. My problem is, and what I need help with, I'm autistic and really struggle with finding the right words to convey what I'm trying to say. Having resources and other things to support my discussions has always been really helpful. So I was wondering, do you know of any resources I could share with my therapist that might help me explain why I see and want her ro treat our system members as individual people w their own parts and complexity, not just parts of one person? I am also looking for any resources that talk about multiplicity beyond just DID/OSDD but thats not rlly my main concern rn. Rn I just really am struggling to find resources for DID that talk about alters as more than just parts of one, and I would really appreciate if u shared anything u know or have that combats that rhetoric. Thank you ! And if this isnt something u have any info for pls feel free to disregard this :))

Hi! We’re sorry to hear you’re going through something like this with your therapist. We actually went through something similar with our own therapist when we first started discussing our system in therapy! Our therapist would call us “parts of you” (you being the host of our system) when we did not view our system that way at all.

At the time, we did not want to be called parts. We each felt like separate people and wanted to be addressed as such. For us, it just took explaining this to our therapist to get him to start referring to us as individuals. We’ve since come back around, though, and actually prefer to be called parts or alters rather than separate people!

We think it’s most common in DID resources and literature for alters to be referred to as parts! Whether parts of a whole or parts of a team, most professionals who work with DID patients likely use parts language to treat them. We don’t actually have any resources on hand that express parts language as hurtful or damaging to those with DID (likely because that’s something that happens on a case by case basis, and usually earlier on in recovery).

But here is the NAMI Michigan DID fact sheet, which demonstrates how different alters may often act, feel, and believe they are different people.

And here’s an article on common misconceptions about DID from Beauty after Bruises. The author does use parts language, but they demonstrate that alters have depth, with varied tastes, interests, orientations, emotional responses, and other things that differentiate us as people.

Perhaps you could write a note before therapy which you could then give to your therapist explaining how each member of your system views personhood, and why you feel parts language is not beneficial for you. This way, you won’t be scrambling to find the words in your actual session, and can just pass the message along and try to answer questions afterwards. We often have to write things down before therapy so we don’t get flustered or confused or forget to bring them to our therapist’s attention!

Finally, as a system who does use parts language, we’d like to say that calling alters parts doesn’t mean denying their complexity, their individuality, or necessarily their personhood. We use parts language, but we and our therapist fully understand that each alter in our system is unique, with different wants, needs, emotional responses, and ideas about the world. Our alters are still treated as individuals, at this stage in our treatment, even though we do use parts language. We’re not saying this to convince you to be accepting of parts language - rather, we’re contradicting the assumption that parts language always means treating alters as flat, one-sided pieces of a human being. Our therapist doesn’t use parts language in this way!

It’s important in therapy for a therapist to use language that helps their patients feel comfortable, safe, and heard in their struggles and experiences. We hope that you’ll be able to effectively convey to your therapist how parts language is affecting your system! I’m sorry we didn’t have any better advice or resources for you… but we wish you the very best of luck with this!

🌸 Margo and 💫 Parker