#was wondering whether to talk about this in therapy but i would have to explain So Many Words

[karliahs]

somehow always easy to forget that there are points in the lifecycle of a Big Obsession that inexplicably feel very bad. banning myself from ao3 for at least today and we'll see how that goes

[cocklessboy]

The biggest male privilege I have so far encountered is going to the doctor.

I lived as a woman for 35 years. I have a lifetime of chronic health issues including chronic pain, chronic fatigue, respiratory issues, and neurodivergence (autistic + ADHD). There's so much wrong with my body and brain that I have never dared to make a single list of it to show a doctor because I was so sure I would be sent directly to a psychologist specializing in hypochondria (sorry, "anxiety") without getting a single test done.

And I was right. Anytime I ever tried to bring up even one of my health issues, every doctor's initial reaction was, at best, to look at me with doubt. A raised eyebrow. A seemingly casual, offhand question about whether I'd ever been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Even female doctors!

We're not talking about super rare symptoms here either. Joint pain. Chronic joint pain since I was about 19 years old. Back pain. Trouble breathing. Allergy-like reactions to things that aren't typically allergens. Headaches. Brain fog. Severe insomnia. Sensitivity to cold and heat.

There's a lot more going on than that, but those were the things I thought I might be able to at least get some acknowledgement of. Some tests, at least. But 90% of the time I was told to go home, rest, take a few days off work, take some benzos (which they'd throw at me without hesitation), just chill out a bit, you'll be fine. Anxiety can cause all kinds of odd symptoms.

Anyone female-presenting reading this is surely nodding along. Yup, that's just how doctors are.

Except...

I started transitioning about 2.5 years ago. At this point I have a beard, male pattern baldness, a deep voice, and a flat chest. All of my doctors know that I'm trans because I still haven't managed to get all the paperwork legally changed, but when they look at me, even if they knew me as female at first, they see a man.

I knew men didn't face the same hurdles when it came to health care, but I had no idea it was this different.

The last time I saw my GP (a man, fairly young, 30s or so), I mentioned chronic pain, and he was concerned to see that it wasn't represented in my file. Previous doctors hadn't even bothered to write it down. He pushed his next appointment back to spend nearly an hour with me going through my entire body while I described every type of chronic pain I had, how long I'd had it, what causes I was aware of. He asked me if I had any theories as to why I had so much pain and looked at me with concerned expectation, hoping I might have a starting point for him. He immediately drew up referrals for pain specialists (a profession I didn't even know existed till that moment) and physical therapy. He said depending on how it goes, he may need to help me get on some degree of disability assistance from the government, since I obviously shouldn't be trying to work full-time under these circumstances.

Never a glimmer of doubt in his eye. Never did he so much as mention the word "anxiety".

There's also my psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with ADHD last year (meeting me as a man from the start, though he knew I was trans). He never doubted my symptoms or medical history. He also took my pain and sleep issues seriously from the start and has been trying to help me find medications to help both those things while I go through the long process of seeing other specialists. I've had bad reactions to almost everything I've tried, because that's what always happens. Sometimes it seems like I'm allergic to the whole world.

And then, just a few days ago, the most shocking thing happened. I'd been wondering for a while if I might have a mast cell condition like MCAS, having read a lot of informative posts by @thebibliosphere which sounded a little too relatable. Another friend suggested it might explain some of my problems, so I decided to mention it to the psychiatrist, fully prepared to laugh it off. Yeah, a friend thinks I might have it, I'm not convinced though.

His response? That's an interesting theory. It would be difficult to test for especially in this country, but that's no reason not to try treatments and see if they are helpful. He adjusted his medication recommendations immediately based on this suggestion. He's researching an elimination diet to diagnose my food sensitivities.

I casually mentioned MCAS, something routinely dismissed by doctors with female patients, and he instantly took the possibility seriously.

That's it. I've reached peak male privilege. There is nothing else that could happen that could be more insane than that.

I literally keep having to hold myself back from apologizing or hedging or trying to frame my theories as someone else's idea lest I be dismissed as a hypochondriac. I told the doctor I'd like to make a big list of every health issue I have, diagnosed and undiagnosed, every theory I've been given or come up with myself, and every medication I've tried and my reactions to it - something I've never done because I knew for a fact no doctor would take me seriously if they saw such a list all at once. He said it was a good idea and could be very helpful.

Female-presenting people are of course not going to be surprised by any of this, but in my experience, male-presenting people often are. When you've never had a doctor scoff at you, laugh at you, literally say "I won't consider that possibility until you've been cleared by a psychologist" for the most mundane of health problems, it might be hard to imagine just how demoralizing it is. How scary it becomes going to the doctor. How you can internalize the idea that you're just imagining things, making a big deal out of nothing.

Now that I'm visibly a man, all of my doctors are suddenly very concerned about the fact that I've been simply living like this for nearly four decades with no help. And I know how many women will have to go their whole lives never getting that help simply because of sexism in the medical field.

If you know a doctor, show them this story. Even if they are female. Even if they consider themselves leftists and feminists and allies. Ask them to really, truly, deep down, consider whether they really treat their male and female patients the same. Suggest that the next time they hear a valid complaint from a male patient, imagine they were a woman and consider whether you'd take it seriously. The next time they hear a frivolous-sounding complaint from a female patient, imagine they were a man and consider whether it would sound more credible.

It's hard to unlearn these biases. But it simply has to be done. I've lived both sides of this issue. And every doctor insists they treat their male and female patients the same. But some of the doctors astonished that I didn't get better care in the past are the same doctors who dismissed me before.

I'm glad I'm getting the care I need, even if it is several decades late. And I'm angry that it took so long. And I'm furious that most female-presenting people will never have this chance.

[too-much-tma-stuff]

Beach Episode (Part 19)

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Danny and Jason talked out their issues and dealt with it. Jason didn’t think he’d fuck up again, he’d felt so fucking bad, but Danny didn’t trust that. Which was fair, even if it hurt, he was going to have to prove that he meant it and could hold to it even when he was angry. He needed to get into therapy too, he’d been putting it off because he was scared, and protective of his identity, so much of the shit he’d seen and done was so hard to explain in a civilian situation.

But now that he was on slightly better terms with the JL he could prevail himself of one of their therapists. That ended up being the favour that Danny demanded from them was providing Jason with a therapist, one that wouldn’t be too judgmental of his… ‘methods’. They asked for Wonder Woman’s advice on that, which she was very happy to provide, relieved that Jason was facing up to his bad behaviour and taking steps to make it right. She’d been worried she was going to have to physically knock some sense into him.

The other favour that Danny asked for, not of the JL but from Jason, was not to complain about the family vacation that was being planned between Dick, Tim, Danny, and Alfred. Jason still didn’t love the idea but Danny gave him puppy dog eyes and insisted that it was needed to make him forgive Jason for his slip up. Necessary to make things right with his family and moving on, so he accepted it.

It took a lot of arranging and planning to get the family on vacation. They had to find a time everyone was available, find people they trusted to cover their patrols or cities, and of course agree on a destination. That was harder than you would expect, especially when Bruce got involved and tried to insist it should be in the deep woods somewhere and be a training exercise more than anything.

In the end he was shouted down and it was decided that they were going to go to a beach somewhere warm and sunny. Far enough away from any of their usual haunts that they wouldn’t feel the urge to work as long as there weren’t any natural disasters and Tim was kept off his ipad. Since it was a family vacation Danny invited Ellie and Dan too, though he wasn’t sure that Dan would come. Half of him hoped he wouldn’t because having Dan there was bound to be complicated, but they had decided to be family so Danny was going to put his money where his mouth was. 

Dan had been doing well anyway, he hadn’t missed any check ins and hadn’t caused any chaos in space. So he at least deserved an invite, whether he wanted to come or not. They had a check in two weeks before the trip so Danny brought it up with him then.

“A family vacation huh?” Dan asked, they were ‘sitting’ on a broken satellite which was still orbiting earth through inertia.

“Ya, God knows the Wayne's need it. And honestly so do I. Ellie will be coming too, and you're welcome too if you want to,” Danny said with a little shrug.

“And draw more attention from the GIW onto both of you?” Dan asked skeptically.

“Ya, but they already know Phantom is back and working with the Justice League now. I really don't think they're brave enough to touch us now. And if they try to, with all three of us together with the bats? Frankly I'd like to see them try. Maybe it would give the Justice League the push they need to really give them the smack down.” 

Dan snorted a little at Danny, he still didn't expect that ferocity from his younger self. “Ya I guess so,” he agreed with a crooked little smile.

“But if that was an excuse and you just don't want to come, that's fine. I don't want to push you, I just don't want you to feel left out since we decided we're family now,” Danny explained.

“Nah, I want to come. I want to meet my future brother in law,” Dan said with an absolutely feral smile.

“Oh dear,” Danny said faintly. “That doesn't sound good. Is it too late to uninvite you?” 

“Oh absolutely,” Dan cackled wickedly. “If you're going to be my little brother I should get to vet your boyfriend,” he teased, reaching over to ruffle Danny's hair and laughing when Danny smacked his hand away.

“Fine, you'll be a better judge than some people since I'm assuming we have the same opinions about violence?” He asked, glancing at Dan.

“I think I'm probably even more down for it then you are, but ya. Why?”

“Batman tried to stage an intervention about Jason hitting me. Trying to explain to them that I was totally fine with it and kinda liked it suuucked,” Danny groaned, flopping back dramatically as Dan laughed at him.

“Poor you,” Dan said, entirely unsympathetic. Danny flipped him off. “I'll probably give him shit about it.”

“Just don't scare him off. I really like this guy. If you pull anything I swear I'll spend the rest of our eternity making sure you never get a date!” 

“Sheesh, that's a serious threat kid! As long as he's not a wimp I won't scare him off. If I do scare him off he wasn’t a good fit for you in the first place,” Dan pointed out reasonably.

“Fine, I'll be keeping an eye on you though,” Danny warned.

“Of course you will, I'd expect nothing less after everything I've done,” Dan agreed dryly. “I'm surprised you're letting me be around your new found family at all.”

“Ya, well, you're one of my new found family as well.”

“Shit.”

“If you didn't want to be part of my found family you should have killed me when you had the chance!” 

“IS THAT A FUCKING MEME?!”

------------

All the Wayne’s could have asked their respective flying friends to give them a lift to the resort, but it had been decided no kryptonians were invited. They were trying to keep things to their family, though Dick was bringing Kori, that was fine they had been together off and on for years and were well settled together this time. She might as well be an in-law already. So she would be flying Dick in from Bludhaven, and everyone else was going to fly out from Gotham in the Waynes’ private jet. Well, the Waynes and Babs and Steph, who had taken a little more convincing to come, getting past their insistence they weren’t actually family being the trick. Thankfully the fact that the phantom siblings were coming too helped them see it wasn’t only a trip for the Waynes, and with different heroes and allies found to cover protecting Gotham they were bundled onto the private jet as well. 

 Which Danny and Ellie teased Bruce and Tim relentlessly about owning, Jason snickering in the background and egging on the two ghostly siblings in their teasing. They deserved it, no matter how much Bruce tried to defend that it was expected of him to have a private jet and he needed it for business! 

Teasing didn’t stop them from enjoying it though, Ellie chasing Tim around the isles, with Alfred chiding but not actually trying to stop them from having their fun and being kids for once.  Danny spent half the time exploring and stealing any snacks he found, and half the time murmuring in Jason’s ear about how they should steal the jet to join the mile high club. It was sweet torture and Jason did not want it to stop even as he shifted awkwardly and tried desperately to think unsexy thoughts so he wouldn’t get a boner surrounded by his family! Thank fuck Dick wasn’t here, the knowing smirks he’d be shooting the two of them would be too much.

It was a 16 hour flight, and once Ellie and Tim tired themselves out and fell asleep Bruce pulled out a sleep mask and settled in. Danny gave them this, it was much more comfortable to sleep in, and Jason and Danny slept soundly, at least until Ellie got bored and pounced on Danny. They phased out through the wall of the plane to go for a fly, racing the jet and flying loops around it until Ellie got tired and Danny had to help her back into the jet when she started to fall behind. 

Everyone else had started to wake up while they were gone, so by the time they got back it was just in time to have a family breakfast, and talk about what they were going to do once they landed. They had booked the entire top floor of the resort for privacy, which Danny thought was kind of overkill, but these were The Bats, they were incredibly security minded people, so he didn’t argue about it. Danny was mostly excited about swimming, this was a beach vacation after all!

Finally they landed, and grabbed as much of their stuff as they could from the plane before the bellhops could get them, as if all the staff hadn’t already been vetted by Babs. They were only staying for a week so they didn’t have so much they couldn’t reasonably carry it, and Danny suspected at least Tim had some stuff in his bags he would not want anyone else to see. He was going to keep an eye on the younger man to make sure that he hadn’t smuggled any work with him on vacation. 

They piled out of the plane, chattering excitedly about the vacation, Dick coming onto the plane to help Babs on the slightly too steep ramp from the plane. Kori was waiting for them on the tarmac with a warm smile, taking a couple of the heavier bag.

“We already picked out her room on the left side. I suspect Jason and Danny will want to be on the right, and the… single, and younger members of the family should be in the middle so we all have some place,” Kori suggested. 

“Kori!” Dick chided, though he clearly wasn’t actually shocked. Actually those who’d known the two of them for a while knew that was far more delicately put then she might have said it a couple years ago.

“What?” She said, blinking her bright green eyes innocently at Dick. “This is a romantic destination, and we love each other, we are only doing what is surely expected of a loving romantic union. I doubt your father wants to hear-”

“YES thank you Kori you’re right. We’ll make sure you and Dick, and Jason and Danny have your privacy,” Bruce promised.

Before the conversation could continue Ellie shrieked and dropped her bags, taking off running away from the group. It startled everyone, but hackles smoothed immediately when they spotted Dan, strolling across the lot to meet her at a more casual pace. He rolled his eyes but there was a smile on his face as he bent down to scoop Ellie up before she could headbutt him in the gut at full sprint. He was wearing regular clothes, a black shirt and pants with white stripes down the side, and his fiery hair had been gathered into a low ponytail. He still looked obviously inhuman with his grey-green skin and red eyes, but there were all sorts of meta-humans around and he didn’t look like a supervillain at least. 

Ellie scrambled from in his arms to onto his shoulders as he grumbled at her without any real heat behind it. He shrugged his shoulders, making her squeak and hold on tight as he strolled over to the rest of the group.

“I’m glad you could make it,” Danny said, approaching Dan and patting his arm.

“Hey I told you I would,” Dan said ruffling Danny’s hair and ignoring the way the humans around them shifted nervously. Danny was either ignoring it as well or hadn’t noticed the nerves.

“I don’t believe we’ve met!” Kori said cheerfully, holding out her hand to shake. 

“Hey, I’m Dan. I’m these two’s big brother, by technicality,” Dan joked, gesturing to Danny and Ellie with his free hand, shaking her hand and squeezing too hard. He looked impressed when her smile only brightened and she squeezed back just as hard. “And who might you be?”

“I’m Kori, I’m Dick’s partner,” She said brightly. “You seem strong, we should spar some time soon.”

“I’d like that,” Dan agreed with a shark's grin. Grunting and dropping the smile when Danny elbowed him in the side. 

“Behave,” Danny grumbled at him, getting a growl and an eye roll in return, before his gaze landed on Jason. 

“And you must be Danny’s boyfriend huh?” He asked, letting go of Kori’s hand and offering it to Jason.

“Ya, I am. It’s nice to meet you. He warned me about you,” Jason said, standing up straight and shaking Dan’s hand firmly, trying not to wince when he squeezed it far too tightly. 

“I’m sure he did. I warned me about messing with you too,” Dan cackled, letting go of Jason’s hand before it could crack and shoving his hands in his pockets. 

“Right, well now that everyone’s met each other let’s head inside hm?” Bruce interrupted trying to shoo them all towards the door. They were starting to attract attention standing out in the open like this. “We should pick out our rooms and get comfortable.”

“Ellie, how do you feel about sharing a room with Dan?” Danny asked, glancing up at his young clone, still perched on Dan’s broad shoulders. 

“I don’t need a babysitter!” Both Dan, and Ellie said at the same time before looking at each other, startled as Danny laughed.

“You’d both be absolutely terrible babysitters,” He said fondly. He expected them to get into a good deal of chaos together, but he did think that Ellie would keep Dan from killing anyone, or get Danny if things got completely out of control. 

“Fine, we’ll share,” Dan sighed, and Ellie nodded. 

“Thanks guys,” Danny said, smiling at his siblings before grabbing Jason’s hand and tugging him towards the door. “Come on, let’s go find the most extravagant room we can!”

--------------

There was a bit of a scramble for rooms, not that there weren’t plenty of rooms, but Step, Dick, and Tim were petty and silly and argued over the ‘best’ rooms. And of course once they started Ellie had to get in on the action. Danny and Jason left the younger ones (and Dick) to their squabbling and went to pick out their own room as far away from the rest as they could manage. They found a lovely one with an airy, beachy theme and a window seat looking out onto the ocean.

“It’s beautiful here,” Danny said, sitting down on the padded bench in front of the window and making grabby hands at Jason.

“Is it,” Jason chuckled, going to sit with Danny, who practically dived into Jason’s arms. “I wouldn’t want to live in a place like this, but it is very nice to visit.”

“Of course you wouldn’t, you're a Gothemite and a bat! If it’s not a little close, dark, or gloomy you stand out like a sore thumb,” Danny teased, nuzzling against the underside of Jason’s jaw, who laughed along. “I like our home and our nest though, it’s cozy,” Danny added before Jason could get insecure about it.

“Me too, do you want to unpack first or go exploring?” Jason asked softly.

“As much as I want to go exploring, I think we had better unpack before anyone tries to kick us out of our room by throwing out our bags,” Danny said with a put upon sigh, going nearly boneless against Jason’s chest. 

“You know you’re going to have to get up for us to unpack, right?”

“Noooo!”

-----------

The resort really was beautiful, and since they’d rented an entire floor it wasn’t as crowded as they were sure it usually was. Danny had never been to a place like this and he intended to make the most of it, all of it! The beach, the spa, and the incredibly fucking fancy restaurant and bar where he and Jason could actually drink since the Maldieves actually had a reasonable drinking age! 

Over the course of the week they got couples messages, got so drunk they had to lean on each other to get back to their room, and ordered far too much room service. But undoubtedly the beach was absolutely the main attraction. They spent a lot of time there, to the point Danny got a tan, and Jason was very glad he didn’t burn like Bruce did, who spent most of the second day laying on his stomach in bed with Alfred scolding him about not refreshing his sunscreen after swimming. On the second day Danny remembered he didn’t strictly have to breathe! And Jason spent the rest of the day sitting on the beach while Danny (and Ellie or Dan in turns) disappeared into the water for hours and came back to tell him about everything they saw.

On the third day Jason rented some scuba equipment so he could go down with his boyfriend and see all the wonders he’d been so excited about. At least the ones in shallower waters, he couldn’t follow Danny deeper where the pressure got too much, when Danny realized that he stuck to the shallower areas. By the time they got back to shore Jason was exhausted and very ready for supper, which was a family affair every night of the trip. It was really nice, since Alfred didn’t have to cook he could actually join them and he kept it from being too rowdy. 

They had to push tables together to accommodate the whole family, but the Waynes had more than enough money to get away with it and establish an extra long table for themselves for the entire week of their stay. They tended to eat late, which worked too because there were fewer people for them to disturb with their chatter and chaos, and the eleven of them were usually more than enough for the kitchen to contend with since most of them were big eaters. The dinners were really nice, it didn’t have the baggage of being at the manor, and though they’d met up in smaller groups all of them (minus Kate who had opted out) had never been in the same place. 

It was the perfect opportunity for… something, something that Dick unfortunately beat Jason too on the third night, during dessert when he got up from the table, and got down on one knee in front of Kori. Silence fell over the entire restaurant as Jason bit back a groan and quickly readjusted his expectations to be happy for his brother. 

“Koriand'r, you and I have been together for a long time, and we’ve been through a lot of shit. But never have I not been happy you were there with me for it. You’ve made all of it easier by letting me be by your side, and I hope you’ll let me stick by you for the rest of our lives. Will you marry me?” 

“Yes!” Kori yelped, holding out her hand and letting him put the ring on her finger before she grabbed his wrist and his collar and hauled him in for a passionate kiss as the family cheered and everyone around clapped politely. “You’ll have to come with me to pick out a ring for you as well My Love,” Kori told him warmly while Dick grinned like an idiot. 

“Congratulations!” Steph cheered, practically leaping over the table to tackle both of them as Bruce ordered a few bottles of the best champagne the resort could offer and everyone else lined up to congratulate them as well. Besides Dan, who was being ignored as he grumbled in the corner about how ostentatious and cliche the whole thing was. 

Hey, maybe if Danny secretly shared some of those thoughts Jason had dodged a bullet not being able to propose on this trip. He’d come up with a new plan, one Danny might even like better.

[lilaira]

Hi! I've been following your art for a long while and I've been wondering about the gore aspect in your relationship when you draw you and your partners? I identify as aroace and I feel that way towards my partner but I'm not sure how to describe it to him so it makes a bit more sense.

It's I believe a delicate subject in today's internet culture, so I'll try my hardest at explaining it as best as I possibly can but don't take my advice as a gospel, I'm not a native eng speaker (nuances are lost on me) people's experiences and triggers are vastly different.

As a victim of domestic abuse but also a gore enthusiast from a young age I always found gore cathartic? It was a subject of a lot of symbolism for mental pain in my art. It helped me process the pain I had no words for at the time of growing up. So it became my friend, it gave me a tool to relieve the stress, the anger, the violent thoughts in a safe way.

They were however almost always associated with love in some way. Whether it was a heartbreak, or love for my mother who was getting mentally and physically abused for the majority of my life or loving myself through providing it as a therapy.

My life story aside: You need to make sure your partner feels absolutely safe around you, what you're doing is not a threat to their health or life, it's just a symbolism for how intense your feelings are. With gore art comes intensity of emotions which can easily translate into something positive. That's kinda what I'm doing turning something associated with bad experiences into something sweet and lovely. Simply put - making something good out of a bad thing to cope, like finding positive coping mechanisms in a shit situation, turning your weaknesses into strenghts. Taking power away from the abuser. That's what's great about the art. You can create something beautiful out of ugly. Turn it around. People often don't realise but we DO communicate love through expressions that sound violent. Saying you want to squeeze your partner so hard their eyes pop. Miss them so much that you want to crawl under their skin. They shouldn't assume you're actually about to hurt them but that you love them soooo much. That you're happy. That you need closeness and cherish them. Love bites are a thing. Cannibalism as a metaphor for love is very popular. It's more normalized than you'd think!

That said, learn about their boundaries, how far would be too far. V and Jacky have vastly different preferences and tolerance when it comes to gore. We are still exploring the topic and learning about ourselves and each other. For those still confused about what I'm talking about here's an example of what V wrote to me and I illustrated:

Or a romantic gorey song:

[herinsectreflection]

I have been struggling with whether or not to talk about why I've not been updating much lately. On one hand, I know I don't owe anybody anything. This is not my job, I do this for my own enjoyment and I am entitled to post as often or infrequently as I like. On the other hand, I am addicted to Explaining Things, that's why I'm planning to write 300k words about an old TV show I really like. So here, here are the reasons. I'm hoping that by writing them down my brain will stop latching onto them as sources of anxiety. 1) I got a job that I care about. I won't tell you what I do, but I will tell you that I work in a hospital. It takes a lot of mental energy, and unlike previous jobs, I no longer have the time or inclination to sneakily write essays in my downtime. Which sucks. I hate caring about the thing I'm paid for. It leaves less care for the things I'm not paid for.

2) Speaking of getting paid - I cancelled my ko-fi a few months ago. As much as I truly felt supported and humbled by the people who gave my money, I think it didn't help. Writing began to feel like something I owed the people who gave me money, rather than something I was doing because I wanted to.

3) I got into a polyamorous relationship. You ever tried to have free time while polyamorous? 'Nuff said.

4) I introduced one of my (then) partners to Buffy, and we ended up watching S3 while I was also trying to write about S3. I ended up oversaturated on S3. The most fun I had writing the earlier essays was when new ideas would hit me as I was watching. S3 doesn't feel as fresh to me, and so I don't feel eager to get to it.

5) In regards to S3, I've definitely been putting a lot of pressure on myself to say something particularly interesting and unique about it, since it is, you know, The Faith Season, and I have been branded The Faith Explainer. It's a lot of pressure for something that objectively does not matter at all. But that's anxiety disorders for you.

6) I have started new hobbies, new sports, and regular therapy. Which is all wonderful and has enriched my life, but it takes up free weekends rather quickly.

7) Speaking of therapy - you know that tweet that's like "I started new meds and now I'm not obsessed with BTS anymore"? There's a little of that going on I'm not going to lie.

8) Hyperfixations change and apparently I have not been fixating on Buffy for a little while. It's a lot easier to sink hours and hours into something when your brain has decided that that is all it wants to sink its time into.

9) I had major surgery 18 months ago and that has not not been a factor.

10) This post, I got three paragraphs into the Consequences essay and then decided to start Posting. I don't control these things.

11) ANXIETY

[tigergirltail]

TIGER HRT CHAPTER 4 - MONTH 3 - GROWING PAINS

First - Prev - Next

Everything hurts.

I started noticing it about two weeks after my first dose. It felt like a dull headache at first, but over the next month it spread to pretty much my entire body.

I had to start working from home, and eventually it got bad enough that I could only put in a few hours of work each day. My boss is a reasonable enough guy, but he wasn't going to pay a full time salary for part time hours, so I had to take a salary cut.

Luckily, my partner is around to take care of daily errands, not to mention being there to reassure and comfort me when the pain gets bad. They've been thinking about seeing if Lindwurm HRT is a thing, but they don't want to get the process started until I'm in the clear and can take care of myself again.

Gods I love them.

The reason the pain is happening, as best I can tell, is that my skeletal structure is already changing. I've gotten at least an inch taller, and my face has been reshaping into a feline muzzle. My teeth are getting sharper, and I'm developing proper fangs. I also noticed a little while ago that my fingernails and toenails had receded into their respective digits, which sucks for two reasons - I can't paint fingernails I don't have, and they are sore as HELL when I put any amount of pressure on them. I have to be REALLY careful with how I type to not inflict agony on myself. I'm also feeling my tail growing in, and even if it hurts, it's euphoric as HELL. A tail was always the part I wanted most out of this.

It's weird, the skeletal changes weren't supposed to happen this early. I've been trying to reach Dr. Erian about it, but he's constantly busy, probably because of the sudden surge of people looking for Humanity Removal Therapy.

Other than that, I've been getting areas of white and black fur coming in - mostly on my arms and legs, but a little bit on my face and ears - ears that are gradually reshaping and migrating. Nothing to report on hearing sensitivity, but I think my night vision is getting better.

I did a little bit of looking around for anyone with similar pain experiences. I got my hopes up when I found a girl, Antonina, who had a painful experience with Cat HRT, but it turns out it's because she took the rumoured Fifteen Minute version. She described the pain as "like bathing in an active volcano".

It leaves me wondering whether I would have preferred a 15-minute lava bath over a months-long full-body headache.

I ended up reaching out to her anyway, just because I wanted to know what I was in for in the endgame and feline HRT is rarer than I thought it would be. Sounds like the prey drive is the real deal - she keeps feeling the urge to bite this one girl who's on mouse HRT.

We've been spending some time comparing notes and getting to know each other. It's nice to know someone else who's going through this thing, even if our experiences aren't exactly one-to-one.

I also talked to my mother for the first time in nearly a year. I went No Contact with her a while back because she was only getting more obnoxious and combative about me being trans, but I figured changing my species is a big enough deal that I should keep her in the loop.

Besides, my savings had nearly dried up and I needed to ask her for money.

It… did not go well. She hadn't heard of therian HRT before, and once I explained it, she started panicking about how I'm "mutilating my body" with "untested treatments". I think I also heard her cry something about how her "son" is "killing himself", which is just multiple layers of insensitive.

At least she sent me some money. Hopefully it'll be enough to last until my transformation stops being agonizing and I can go back to work, and then I can go right back to pretending my family doesn't exist.

At roughly the three-month mark, I have a check-in video call with Dr. Erian. From the moment his face appears on screen, though, I can tell something is wrong. He seems… older, somehow.

"Hello, Miss Alexis.", he offers. He sounds tired. Sorrowful, even.

"Hey, doc." I have to ask about it. "Everything okay? You seem a bit tired."

"Nothing to worry about Miss Alexis, just the ordinary stresses of daily life."

Liar. I know I'm not entitled to details of your personal life, much less your professional secrets, but I know when something is eating at someone.

"…Does the word 'crossroads' mean anything to you, Miss Alexis?"

Huh? That came a bit out of left field. "I've… heard some other therian HRT patients use the term, but I don't know much of the details. Something about a point of no return?"

"Something of the sort." He lowers his head and seems to go from sorrowful to downright grim. "There will come a time, Miss Alexis, when you will have to make a very important decision in your care, and I ask that you do so with great consideration for the consequences."

I recoil a little in my seat. "Yeah… Of course I will. Any decision I make, even reaching out to you in the first place, I don't take it lightly."

"Good… That's good." His demeanor shifts back to his stoic, clinical self. I don't know what just happened, but he went somewhere for a moment there.

"Now then, I did receive your messages, I apologize for not getting back to you. You mentioned you were experiencing persistent and debilitating whole-body soreness?"

"Yeah. I can't even leave the apartment most days, it hurts so much."

"Odd… You are taking the treatment as directed, yes?"

"Of course. One tablespoon a week, just like it says on the bottle."

I see his eyes twitch behind his glasses. Did I say something wrong?

"…Teaspoon."

I cock my head to the side. "Say again?"

"You mean one TEASPOON a week, yes?"

I feel my heart sink. The dark smear on the dosage information… I could have sworn it said '1 tbsp/week'.

"…Could you hold on a second please?" I mute the mic and call out to my partner to bring the bottle of tiger HRT over. When they do, I unmute and hold it up to the webcam. I hear Dr. Erian take a sharp intake of breath as he notices the obscured instructions.

I set the bottle aside and the two of us share an awkward silence.

"So…", I begin. "…How bad is it?"

"The good news", he offers slowly, "is that you have only been taking three times the prescribed dose. An increased dose imbalances the growth rate of the different parts of your body, hence your pain and persistent weakness, but it could have been much worse."

I think back to the so-called Fifteen Minute version, and Antonina's description of it - like bathing in an active volcano.

Dr. Erian continues. "Assuming you return to a CORRECT dose, your growth rates will gradually level out over the course of the next month or so. It is my medical opinion that you should maintain a low-activity lifestyle until then, but you will eventually be able to return to your typical activity level, and you will also find that the physical effects become more… consistent."

"That's… reassuring. Thank you, doctor." I pause. Something I noticed a little while ago has been weighing on my mind. "There's one thing, though - do the treatments have… I guess you'd call them restorative or regenerative effects? I've noticed some old wounds aren't there anymore."

The doctor clicks his pen and brings up his notepad. "Interesting. Do go on, Miss Alexis."

"Well… I used to get lower back pain from a car crash injury I got a little over a year ago, but I haven't noticed it at all lately. Pretty much the only part that DOESN'T hurt… There also used to be some marks on my arm from a cat biting me when I was little." I give a slight smile. "The cat's name was Tiger, go figure."

Dr. Erian is writing the whole time I'm talking. "Yes, that is to be expected. Minor persistent injuries will fade over time as your body re-forms itself to a new baseline, even severe chronic symptoms may fade. If there are no other concerns…"

"Just one… Most of the other therian HRT patients I've talked to have gotten their meds as pills, so what's with the potion bottle?"

Dr. Erian pauses, and adjusts his glasses nervously, as if he's been caught out on something he doesn't want to admit to. "Well… advances in the field are occurring rapidly, and you are one of the more recent patients, so a more… streamlined option was available to you. I took the liberty of choosing the most compatible option based on your medical records, and that bottle is it."

"Okay… But what's IN it?"

"The active ingredients are antihominidone, which is your humanity-blocker, and a specialized formula of felistrogen, infused with white tiger genetic material. The rest of the fluid is a suspension used to dilute the effects, without which you would be looking at a short, but excruciating and potentially lethal process."

The Fifteen Minute version, I think to myself. I'm taking diluted Fifteen Minute meds. There's no WAY this isn't experimental, and I'M the experiment. I despise saying it, but maybe my mother was right to worry.

"But I'm afraid I really do have to go, Miss Alexis, my next appointment is waiting."

"G-gotcha. See ya, doctor."

---

Special thanks to @paintedbytosia for letting me write her in, and shoutout to @megamoonerjenny for coming up with 'antihominidone'

[tobbesdiscordkitten]

do you feel like axl still has a *small* chance of being a dad? it’s a weird question, but i saw how a lot of ur followers love axl (like me too, heyyy) and I thought that part of his life

obviously he’s older now, but there’s a handful of celebrities who’ve had children later. maybe he’s content w/ his life but a small part of me wishes he had that chance like his bandmates. wonder what they could’ve looked like for him lol

Hey! I’m so glad we have another Axl lover here ^.^

If Axl can get a woman pregnant now and have her carry his child then he’ll succeed in having that small chance come true lol.

Nah, all jokes aside, I totally get where you’re coming from, anon. I often think about how unfair it was for Axl to not have children of his own. He’s been through hell and back in life, he at least deserved to have kids. I’m not a religious person, but something in the universe forbade him from having that. Whatever the reason could be, I’m not sure, but I still think it’s unjust.

The closest thing Axl got to having his own family was being with the Lebeis family - Beta and Fernando - after his breakup with Stephanie Seymour.

In an interview conducted in the early 2000s, Beta explains, “according to [Axl], I am the mother he never had. He was impressed by the way I raise my children, the concern…He never had that. He calls me Beta and, sometimes, mama. I always make food and take it to the studio, I make pies, cakes…I call before the show to wish them good luck. I light candles for them. It’s like I am the mom of the whole band.” Fernando, Beta’s son, is the current manager of GNR, and has the same responsibilities that Alan Niven used to have back in the day.

While this wasn’t the exact outcome Axl expected in his life, he still received a tight-knit family he can call his own. Whenever he talks about it in interviews, he sounds content about the whole thing. If he’s happy about it, then I am, too. There’s no point in moping over him not having his own children when he has Beta and Fernando lol.

In 1989, Rock Scene asked Axl, “Would [you] make a good father?” Axl replied:

Um…not yet. I love kids, but I think I would be too hard on them because…A lot of people say that when they’re raised a certain way, “I’ll never be like that with my children,” but then those things seem to come out, whether you want them to or not, ‘cause that’s how you were taught to raise a kid. And I’m still wrestling with those things, and until I come to terms with them and feel like I could give a child the upbringing that it would deserve, I don’t want to attempt it.

Like I’ve said before, I’m so much of a perfectionist I don’t want to attempt it and end up smacking it when I shouldn’t have, or something. I don’t want to give a child anything bad to look back on except for what may have happened in just the natural course of life. I don’t want to be in the situation of, “Yeah, well if I wouldn’t have locked him in his room…” You see, I get along with my father real well now. Actually, he’s my stepfather, but he raised me. But I see some of the pain that he has to go through in dealing with the way he raised me, and the pain that I have to deal with in getting along with my father, and thinking back on certain things that happened every now and then, and how mad I get. I don’t want those things to happen.

I know this was a few years before he invested into regression therapy, but he thought about the idea of him having his own children, similarly to how the fandom questions, what would it have been like if Axl had kids?

Going back to Beta, Axl was adopted into her family, and they have been inseparable. She will always support and take care of him.

[boy-gender]

Hi, i was wondering if you could help with something. My mom (who is fairly supportive of the lgbtq+ community, she doesn't understand everything but she tries her best) was telling me that she saw on the news that one of the drugs they give trans people is the same as the cancer drug a family member of ours is on (i don't know the name), and I'm trying to figure out if it's true or if there's more to it (for example, if it's main use is for transition, but it can also be used for cancer), so that i can help explain things to her. I have a feeling it's not true, so I'm trying to find out whether it is or not

Actually, your mom is correct! She's probably talking about a class of drug called a hormone blocker. Certain cancers can be "fed" by hormones, making them grow faster. For example, breast cancer can "feed" on estrogen and progesterone, and prostate cancer can feed on androgens like testosterone. The cancer can use these to grow faster and even spread to other parts of the body.

So, much like in trans people, doctors can prescribe hormone blockers to cancer patients to cut off the "food source" for these cancers in hopes of slowing the spread. A breast cancer patient may take a blocker that stops their body making estrogen so the cancer can't use it. Same in prostate cancer patients who need androgen blockers.

With trans people, usually the hormone their body is naturally dominant with will be blocked, and then they'll start taking an 'opposite' hormone. Like, if I'm a trans man whose body naturally produces more estrogen, I would take e-blockers to stop or slow estrogen production, and then I would begin taking an androgen or masculinizing hormone like testosterone. In a breast cancer patient whose body is naturally estrogen dominant, they would also take the e-blocker to stop or slow estrogen production, but they probably wouldn't begin taking a replacement hormone (going back to either their natural estrogen or artificial/added estrogen) until after their cancer is in remission.

If you take a hormone blocker but don't replace it with something (switching from e to t for instance) or go back to your hormone after (e to e or t to t), then you'll basically enter menopause. Yes, even in cisgender men. Decreases in bone density, loss of fertility, mood swings, hot flashes, etc.

Tl;dr- You might know a cancer patient and a trans person on the same hormone blockers, because hormone therapy is used for many things besides just transitioning! It can be used for fertility treatments, certain cancers, and dealing with menopause.

You might find this article helpful for you and your mom; I'm not a doctor so let Yale scientists explain it better lol.

[hannyhann]

skz bias - first impressions

hi guys <33 it’s been a minute !! I had an idea that I thought would be cute , as either a thread or comments. I thought about hearing how yall first found ur bias for skz!! <33 I’m gonna tell mine below! feel free to leave urs

if you’re not a fan of skz, just tell the story of how you found ur ult bias! if you don’t have a bias in skz, tell me how you found the group :3

I remember the first time I listened to stray kids was in 2020, it was the middle of the pandemic and I had been deep into my bts phase (still am). I was trying to branch out in kpop, since the only groups I were a fan of were bts and black pink.

I was sifting through kpop playlists and came across a song called “Gods Menu” as it was late at night and 15 year old me was trying to keep the volume low. quarantine times am I right? I remember never hearing anything like stray kids before.

I stayed up all night listening to stray kids music, however ultimately I forgot about stanning them or learning the members until a few months later as I was going through a depression spell. I wouldn’t come across stray kids again until april of 2021. I still kept up, but again I didn’t know any members except for felix. however that would quickly change.

I was on vacation in april of 2021 and I’m watching some bts videos when the person that made the videos mentions someone named “bang chan.” I was like “bang chan? why does that name sound familiar.” so I looked him up and these were the first images I have ever seen of him

sure i knew he was in stray kids but i never learned all of the members until then. but chris looked so gorgeous. I had never seen anyone so handsome. I couldn’t tell you what it was but my depression spell seemed to ease away. I was watching videos of him, interviews, early videos from back in the day when he was training. he inspired me to do well in school, get back into my friends, studies, and take care of those important around me.

the thing that stood out the most for me was when he said “don’t hurt yourself.” which at that point I wanted to because of my depression, a horrible breakup, and I had been graped and SA’d that year and previous so the last thing I wanted was to be alive in those months. however, as corny as it may seem, those words stopped me from hurting myself. it took a long time to heal, but I always had it in the back of my mind.

chris inspired me to go to therapy and talk to professional help about what I was going through. I would always watch his live stream rooms and they would heal me. chris is such a wonderful human being and a beautiful individual. he saved me <33 things happen for a reason and me finding him was what healed me.

stray kids and especially chris as a whole have healed me. they hold a special place in my heart and I will always be grateful for them.

I was heartbroken when I couldn’t get to see them during their maniac tour and the last time they were in the states. however I am happy to say that after 5 years I will be seeing them in atlanta on june 10th, 2025. I can’t contain my excitement, I genuinely got emotional when I got the tickets.

chris, bang chan, chris bahng has healed me in ways I cannot explain. it’ll probably never happen, but if I ever get to meet him I would hug him and genuinely say thank you. having that comfort person is never a silly thing, because deep down that comfort person has saved you more times over. whether that be an idol, actor, celebrity, religious figure, parent, guardian, or friend. if you have that comfort and help, you are valid <33

(credit to any original creators of pictures, besides photos of me lol)

[sarahmadisonxoxo]

I felt like making a part two for the Soulmates AU. I sincerely apologize to the rest of my WIP list because I know it’s adding up. I have no self control, but I am not sorry. This is cheaper than therapy. :D Soulmates AU ------------ It didn’t feel real. Meeting his soulmate after everything that had happened, after he’d come to the conclusion that would never happen for him. The reality for most people was that they never would find their soulmates. In the span of an eternity, this short lifetime they spent living in this reality would feel like nothing by the time their souls reunited. People could go on and find great love, build wonderful lives for themselves, all while never being able to meet their soulmate.  He wasn’t even worried about finding love anymore, before seeing Eddie on the tv he’d come to the conclusion his soul was set to be alone in this turn. Whether it was a punishment for crimes of a past life or whatever really.  Steve hadn’t been able to leave his phone since he’d made it back home. Jumping at the slightest noise that even resembled it’s ringing. Maybe he was getting overly invested in this... Eddie’s earlier eagerness could have just been the excitement of everything changing. He might not even actually call.  No.. He was going to call. Steve just knew it.  Suddenly the phone began to ring, barely making it past the first ring before he was answering.  “ Hey Eddie”  “ Eddie? Who’s Eddie? Neverminded. Steve guess what” Robin’s voice came from the other side.  “ Oh hey Robin..” Steve sighed. He felt bad for being disappointed that it was Robin, but he’d been waiting so long already. He just hoped that for once he just didn’t have to wait. “ Eddie’s no one.. Don’t worry about it. So what’s going on? What’s got you all excited.” He couldn’t say it was easy to push his disappointment to the side and take his place in the role of best friend. Robin meant the world to him, but she wasn’t who he’d wanted to talk to tonight. At least not first.  “ Riiight.. you will explain that one tomorrow at work, but until then. I kissed a girl Steve... My first real kiss. “ The excitement was clear in her voice, a dreamy sigh following as she seemed to recall the memory. “ I kissed Nancy and she kissed me... I didn’t mess it up. There was no word vomit...”  “ Robin..”  “ Okay.. there was a little word vomit, but she laughed. Steve. I kissed Nancy and made a fool of myself and she laughed and told me I was cute... Cute Harrington. Me! I am cute. I can’t stop shaking. I just can’t believe it. “  Steve really felt bad after that. He’d been upset Robin was calling him, and didn’t even think to consider it was because she just needed a friend to cheer for her. Someone to share the good news with.. Something that Steve had started to think he was going to have to push Robin to do himself, but she did it. Robin made a move without letting fear get in her way, and Steve felt horrible for wishing she’d never have called.  “ But.. I can tell you are waiting on someone so I will let you go. I expect a full report in the morning Stevie. “  “ Of course Robbie... It’s big news,,, well at least I think it is. I’m still not sure.”  “ We will celebrate tomorrow. Cupcakes on you!” Robin cheered.  Steve laughed “ I have to buy my own celebration cupcakes? “  “ I need the money to take Nancy out Thursday...”  Steve smiled shaking his head. “ I love you.”  “ I love you Stevie.. See you tomorrow”  Steve set the phone down, ending the call. Almost instantly the phone started ringing again.  “ Hey, I was starting to think you wouldn’t call” Steve teased..  “ Why did you think I was going to call? I was just calling you to ask you if you could bring my bag to my house because I left it in the trunk of your car.. Wait Eddie hasn’t called. “  “ Goodbye Dustin.. “ Steve rolled his eyes, hanging up the phone, a soft sigh escaping his lips, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers.  It had been a few hours since he got home. He never expected the call to be immediate, but now he was starting to worry it wasn’t going to happen. That Eddie’s promise really had just been in the heat of the moment.  The phone rang again.  “  I swear Dustin.. I will bring you your bag in the morning. Stop calling me!” Steve shouted . “ Uhh.. It’s Eddie” A voice came over the phone, soft and unsure. “ Is this a bad time? “  What a great start... Steve was going to die alone. His own soulmate was going to reject him.  “ No.. No. It’s not a bad time. Dustin can just” Steve hesitates. Complaining about his best friend in the first seconds of a phone call with a person who was still technically a stranger wasn’t the best idea. “ No Eddie.. It’s not a bad time. “ he sighed.  “ Okay” Eddie’s voice still sounded unsure.  “ How was the convention? “  “ Oh.. Uh. It was great. It’s always nice to meet fans, I wish I could give them all more time. They are the only reason I am here in the first place.”  Steve leaned foward in his bed, picking at a loose string on his blanket. “ That’s nice”  “ So um...” Eddie tried, unsure of what to talk about. Where to even begin.  “ Yeah..” Steve sighed.  “ You’re wonderful with your words Steve...”  “ You’re not too bad yourself Eds”  “ Eds?” Eddie questioned.  “ I’m sorry, I uh. I always give nicknames to people. “ Steve explained, closing his eyes as he mentally kicked himself for being so bad at this.  “ No Stevie.. I like it. Eds. It’s good” Eddie reassured him, but it did nothing to stop Steve’s internal battle.  “ Stevie?”  “ I always give nicknames to people” Eddie teased, Steve could almost hear the smile on his lips.  “ I’m sorry” Steve apologized.. “ I am so bad at this. I am usually not so bad at this”  Eddie chuckled. “ Stevie you’re not bad at this... you’d never convinced me you were anything but a Casanova. I’m swooning. “  “ You’re full of shit” Steve chuckled.  “ I jumped a table to run a complete stranger down... Trust me pretty boy I am head over heels already.”  “ That’s such a good song” Steve thought aloud.  “ Tears For Fears? I knew something had to be wrong with you.. No one could be that perfect. Pretty face. Great hair.. Shit taste in music. “ Eddie tisked,  “ Nothing is wrong with me... well at least not my taste in music.”  Steve argued.  “ Of course not Stevie... of course not.... ah lying isn’t usually that painful. “  “ Asshole..” Steve muttered.  “ Another nickname Big Boy.. you really know how to flatter a guy. “  “ You’re so weird... “ Steve laughed softly shaking his head , “ Are you still in Chicago? “  “ Yeah... some hotel my manager booked. Why do you miss me already Steven.”  “ Surprisingly yes... we didn’t get any time today. I’d like to actually see you ya know.”  “ Where are you Steve? “  “ You aren’t coming out here”  “ That’s not what I asked Steve... Where are you? “  “ Hawkins... Do you even know where that is? “ Steve asked.  “ Actually yeah... My Uncle used to live there... that’s crazy. We moved out when I was like six, He was worried about me growing up in a conservative town... something about being the pariah, but I think he’s just over reacting.. Let me grab a pen and ill get your address okay? “  “Eddie..”  “ I want to see you... Steve. I really want to see you. You’ve got plenty of time to tell me no for other things. Just give me the address.. Yeah? “  “ Yeah Okay.”  “ Great.. let me get a pen. “  A second passed before Eddie’s voice came over the phone prompting him for the address. They went back and forth a few times before Steve gave in.  “ Okay.. Steve I will see you in like an hour.. I might be able to do it in thirty. “  “ Eddie! I swear to god.” Steve warned prompting Eddie to giggle.  “ I’ll be safe pretty boy.. Ill see you in a bit. “  “ Yeah. I’ll see you soon. “ 

[multiplicity-positivity]

This might be kind of out of your wheelhouse, but I am really struggling w conveying something to my therapist and was wondering if u might have any resources that could help. My therapist continues to use parts language and views the others in my system as just "parts" when I've repeatedly expressed that that language does not encompass our experience. It's making it really hard to talk to her about anything system related. I am her first client w DID so I know she is still learning and I think most "surface literature" insists that system members are just parts and should not be validated as anything else. But my therapist has been really receptive and understanding to disagreements I have w medical literature in the past, so I do think I can talk to her about this and get her to change at least in the context of our sessions together. My problem is, and what I need help with, I'm autistic and really struggle with finding the right words to convey what I'm trying to say. Having resources and other things to support my discussions has always been really helpful. So I was wondering, do you know of any resources I could share with my therapist that might help me explain why I see and want her ro treat our system members as individual people w their own parts and complexity, not just parts of one person? I am also looking for any resources that talk about multiplicity beyond just DID/OSDD but thats not rlly my main concern rn. Rn I just really am struggling to find resources for DID that talk about alters as more than just parts of one, and I would really appreciate if u shared anything u know or have that combats that rhetoric. Thank you ! And if this isnt something u have any info for pls feel free to disregard this :))

Hi! We’re sorry to hear you’re going through something like this with your therapist. We actually went through something similar with our own therapist when we first started discussing our system in therapy! Our therapist would call us “parts of you” (you being the host of our system) when we did not view our system that way at all.

At the time, we did not want to be called parts. We each felt like separate people and wanted to be addressed as such. For us, it just took explaining this to our therapist to get him to start referring to us as individuals. We’ve since come back around, though, and actually prefer to be called parts or alters rather than separate people!

We think it’s most common in DID resources and literature for alters to be referred to as parts! Whether parts of a whole or parts of a team, most professionals who work with DID patients likely use parts language to treat them. We don’t actually have any resources on hand that express parts language as hurtful or damaging to those with DID (likely because that’s something that happens on a case by case basis, and usually earlier on in recovery).

But here is the NAMI Michigan DID fact sheet, which demonstrates how different alters may often act, feel, and believe they are different people.

And here’s an article on common misconceptions about DID from Beauty after Bruises. The author does use parts language, but they demonstrate that alters have depth, with varied tastes, interests, orientations, emotional responses, and other things that differentiate us as people.

Perhaps you could write a note before therapy which you could then give to your therapist explaining how each member of your system views personhood, and why you feel parts language is not beneficial for you. This way, you won’t be scrambling to find the words in your actual session, and can just pass the message along and try to answer questions afterwards. We often have to write things down before therapy so we don’t get flustered or confused or forget to bring them to our therapist’s attention!

Finally, as a system who does use parts language, we’d like to say that calling alters parts doesn’t mean denying their complexity, their individuality, or necessarily their personhood. We use parts language, but we and our therapist fully understand that each alter in our system is unique, with different wants, needs, emotional responses, and ideas about the world. Our alters are still treated as individuals, at this stage in our treatment, even though we do use parts language. We’re not saying this to convince you to be accepting of parts language - rather, we’re contradicting the assumption that parts language always means treating alters as flat, one-sided pieces of a human being. Our therapist doesn’t use parts language in this way!

It’s important in therapy for a therapist to use language that helps their patients feel comfortable, safe, and heard in their struggles and experiences. We hope that you’ll be able to effectively convey to your therapist how parts language is affecting your system! I’m sorry we didn’t have any better advice or resources for you… but we wish you the very best of luck with this!

🌸 Margo and 💫 Parker

[madsworld15]

Part 1 of Chapter 2: "May" from Heal Me, Hold Me, Make Me, Know Me fic.

QAF, BrianxJustin, Asexual Spectrum Representation, Series Re-telling

Brian stood outside the therapy room and watched as Justin struggled to walk the five feet necessary to reach his physical therapist. The teen was sweating and looked like he was about ready to give up. This was the first time since Justin had moved to the rehab center two weeks ago that Brian was visiting during one of his therapy sessions. Brian still didn’t come to see Justin every day, but the days he did come it was usually in the evening when Justin was back in his shared room.

Justin’s roommate was this smart-mouthed boy a few years younger whose leg had been crushed in an automobile accident. Brian secretly liked the kid and hoped that his enthusiasm and determination would rub off on Justin. Lately, Justin had been struggling to increase his abilities with his hand, so he was refusing to give his all in all areas of his rehab, both physical and occupational.

Justin collapsed against the guiding rail to his left about halfway to his therapist. From the look on his face, Brian could tell he was frustrated and about ready to give up completely. Brian bit his lip as he debated whether or not he should enter the room. He had heard from Jennifer that Justin hated it when she would come to his sessions, so she had stopped coming during those hours. He still hadn’t made a final decision when a kindly middle-aged, Black woman in a white jacket, a doctor, approached him.

“He works so hard, but he expects too much,” the woman said to Brian without introducing herself or looking at him.

“Well, he’s stubborn like that,” Brian smirked but tightened up his stance nonetheless. Her words concerned him because he knew what could come from expecting too much.

“I’m Dr. Brown,” the doctor finally extended her hand toward Brian for a handshake. “I know, very on the nose.” She had a smirk as strong as Brian’s; he could appreciate that in a doctor.

“Brian.” Brian returned the handshake and then motioned toward Justin, “He’s my, uh. My…”

“Boyfriend?” Dr. Brown gave him a knowing look, “He mentions you every day during group.”

“Group?”

“Justin is in Group and Individual counseling. There is more to rehab than just the physical. There is also a mental aspect to recovery.” 

Brian wasn’t sure how he felt about Justin being in counseling, mostly because he didn’t quite believe in psychiatrists, but he would support the young man in whatever he felt he needed. 

“So, you’re his shrink?”

“Psychiatrist, but yes.” She nodded at Brian before she turned back to the view of Justin struggling through his physical therapy. “He expects to be able to be good as new within a week or so.”

“Didn’t you guys explain to him that his hand recovery alone would take months?” Brian couldn’t believe this counselor had the audacity to pin this hope on Justin. 

“We have.” Dr. Brown took a deep breath. “I know you come to see him a couple times a week, but do you actually talk to him? Manage his expectations?”

“Why is that my responsibility? He’s an adult let him believe what he wants. Besides, you’re his doctors. You should tell him.” Brian wanted so badly to pull out a cigarette for a smoke. But, the medical professionals around here frowned upon that.

“Brian, it’s fine to have hope.” She started, but Brian cut her off.

“If it’s not harming anyone, then leave him be.”

“Mr. Kinney. His determination is great. We always encourage our patients to have as much faith and hope as possible. However, Justin is setting himself up for further frustration and depression if he keeps pushing himself beyond his abilities.”

Brian didn’t respond, how could he? The one thing he’d always found so wonderful about Justin was turning into the kid's worst nightmare. He’d always been determined to make things work out for himself, not to have to rely on anyone else. Now, Justin was being forced into a small box that restricted his independent spirit and insisted he rely on someone else all the time. The idea that Justin couldn’t just be himself broke Brian’s heart. He’d always avoided Justin’s therapy hours because he didn’t know if he could handle it if he saw the young man stumble in any way. Right before his very eyes, Justin was putting his all into accomplishing the simplest of tasks – walking a few feet without assistance. And he could barely do that.

“He’s making tremendous progress, both with me and his physical rehab. But it's a marathon, not a sprint. It might help if you remind him of that.” Dr. Brown added, and then she was gone.

Brian stood by and continued to watch Justin’s progress. Soon enough, the physical therapist stopped him and allowed Justin to sit down for a bit. It was at that moment that Brian decided to make his presence known. He walked through the door with a smirk on his face and a glint in his eyes.

“Great job, Sunshine.” Brian clapped him on the back and leaned on the back of the wheelchair Justin currently uses.

“I barely walked five feet without help.” Justin groused, his mood in the gutter.

“Okay. But, think when you left the ICU, you couldn’t walk without dragging your feet and the support of a nurse. This is progress.” Brian tried to encourage him. “What do you say I break you out of this joint for a couple hours, and we go see Emmett at work?”

“You can’t.” Justin didn’t even perk up.

“Sure I can. I discussed it with your doctors and the head of this place. They said I could as long as I promised to return you.” Brian leaned over Justin’s shoulder to whisper directly in his ear, “It’s as if they don’t trust me.”

“Damn. That must be a record.” Justin’s mood improved exponentially, “It took them all of two minutes to distrust you. I feel it usually takes a few days.”

“Except you.” Brian gave Justin a quick kiss on his temple and playfully pushed him toward the exit.

“What’s that supposed to mean? I don’t trust you in the slightest. Never have.” Justin rolled his eyes and gave a small, wicked grin.

“I have it on the best authority, Emmett and Debbe, that you’ve always bet for the house instead of against it. Even when you first met me and saw through my bullshit.” Brian stopped by Justin’s room so he could grab a sweatshirt to put on over his t-shirt and clean up from his therapy session.

A few minutes later, Justin determined that he’d done all he could to be ready for an outing. Brian had helped him wipe his face with a washcloth since his dominant hand was still out of commission. It crossed his mind that he’d never been willing to do such things for anyone else, not even Michael. These thoughts weren’t something he wished to unpack at the moment, so he pushed them down.

“Let’s go!” Brian stated. “Do you want to bring the chair? Or would you rather just lean on me the whole time?”

Justin looked down at his lap as if determining how determined he was going to be in front of the man he cared about and his close friend. 

“The chair is fine.” 

Brian didn’t say anything. The words of the doctor rang in his head. He felt Justin choosing the chair was a win in the right direction toward managing expectations. See, I don’t need to tell him anything. He knows his own body.

Justin sat in the chair and looked up at Brian, silently telling him he was ready to go. Brian couldn’t believe he was doing this. Taking Justin out of the rehab center so he could see Emmett, and probably boost his mood, wasn’t in his usual wheelhouse of accepted Brian Kinney behavior.

“What? Is there something wrong? Did you change your mind?” Justin’s tone was overly concerned, a hint of insecurity around the edges.

Brian grabbed the handles of the chair and started to push him toward the door. 

“Keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times.” Brian quipped, instead of actually answering or reassuring the young man.

If he was being honest with himself Brian was seconds away from bolting out the door and leaving Justin behind. He didn’t let people get behind his walls very often and if he wasn’t careful Justin would completely tear them down. It would leave him in a world of hurt. He had to be careful.

As they drove over to the store where Emmett worked, Brian finally gave Justin some kind of closure about the nature of their excursion.

“I paused back there because you seemed tired. I was contemplating which would be worse, you potentially overdoing it but enjoying your friend or letting you rest and facing the wrath of Emmett, who thinks your mom and I are keeping you from him.” Brian smiled toward Justin, who was staring out the window, expressionless.

Part of him knew the right thing to do was push Justin to engage in conversation with him, but Brian wasn’t a pushy person. So, he let silence fall between them. The closer they got to their destination Brian could feel the tension building up between them. He parallel parked and then turned off the Jeep. Instead of opening the door to climb out he waited for Justin to make a move. When he didn’t, Brian spoke.

“Wanna get out?” He kept the question open-ended because he knew Justin was having anxiety about something. He just wasn’t sure what.

Justin sucked his bottom lip between his teeth and shrugged. His eyes darted between outside the window and his lap. At that moment, it dawned on Brian exactly what the problem was.

“We can wait here until the people pass by. We're in no rush.” Brian reached across the console to try and touch Justin’s shoulder, but he flinched away from it.

A few minutes later, Brian’s cell phone rang.

“Hello.”

“Hey, I thought you were bringing Justin by.” Emmett’s voice rang through the phone. Justin perked up a bit at the sound.

“I am. We are outside still in the Jeep. Justin needs a minute.” Brian looked toward Justin.

“Let him know there’s no shame if he’s not ready. I’ll just have to find a way to get my fabulous ass into the rehab center. Perhaps there’s a hot beefy top of a nurse I can charm.”

“Do you always think with your dick?” Brian shook his head.

“You’re one to talk.” Emmett chirped back. “Don’t think I don’t hear the hot goss about you and your hosting skills most every night.”

Brian knew without looking that Justin heard Emmett through the phone. The blonde put the tip of his thumb into his mouth and bit down.

“I’ll let you know.” Brian ended his conversation with Emmett abruptly and hung up.

“We can just go back.” Brian went to put the keys back in the ignition when Justin reached his left hand across his torso and pulled open the passenger door.

Justin pulled himself out of the Jeep and leaned heavily on his left hand, which was still propped against the frame of the vehicle.

“Jesus.” Brian rushed out of the Jeep and came around to the other side to stand in front of the blonde. “You could’ve waited til I got the chair out.”

“I don’t…” Justin started. Instead of finishing he just grabbed onto Brian’s arm with his good hand and leaned his weight on the older man.

“Are you sure?” Brian whispered.

Justin nodded, “Let’s go. I miss Emmett. It’ll be great to see him.”

The two slowly made their way a few feet to the front door and went inside. Once they were inside, Brian insisted Justin sit down on one of the benches throughout the smallish store. Even without words he conveyed to the young man, it wasn’t seen as weakness for him to sit the whole time they visited the flamboyant Southerner.

“BABYYY!” Emmett immediately flew to where Justin was sitting and sat down next to him in what could only be described as a graceful movement. He immediately wrapped Justin up in a hug.

Brian tried not to be jealous of Justin’s immediate acceptance of Emmett’s love, comfort, and touch. The young man was still extremely skittish around Brian and barely ever let the man touch him. You could forget letting the brunette embrace him. Brian sucked in his bottom lip and turned his attention to the clothes on the shelves as his hands clenched and unclenched by his side.

What did he care? He barely knew this kid. Sure, he was concerned about his condition, considering what happened to him. He wasn’t a monster. But why did it matter so much or make his chest ache to see Justin embrace Emmett without a second thought? Was it because Justin knew what Brian tried to hide, that it was his fault the kid was bashed in the first place? Did Justin equate him to his attackers? Or was this it for them? Was Justin going to move on and find someone who didn’t cause him frustration, pain, and heartache? It wouldn’t be surprising. No one stuck around in Brian’s life; no one gave him a chance. It was only a matter of time before he lost Justin too.

“Brian.” Emmett was suddenly right next to him, and Brian shook his head to clear his pervasive thoughts. 

He looked around and saw that Justin was sitting very tensely, his eyes flitting all around, never really focusing. Something had happened while Brian zoned out, and now he had to play clean up or at least get Justin back to the rehab center so they could help him relax.

“What happened?” Brian barely held back his anger at Emmett for Justin’s discomfort. 

“A customer had come in to ask me a question, and they got too close too fast. Justin just went…” Emmett waved his hand toward Justin’s current state in explanation.

The color drained from Brian’s face, “Did they touch him?” 

“No, they just stood too close. I managed to pull their attention from him and get them out of the store quickly, but I can’t seem to help him.” Emmett looked so concerned that if Brian were a naturally hugging man, he would’ve reassured his friend with one.

“He’s still really skittish around people. Mostly because he doesn’t remember the attack, so in his mind, everyone is a potential danger.” Brian rubbed his brow, “I shouldn’t have brought him here. He wasn’t ready.”

“Brian,” Emmett’s hand reached up and pulled Brian’s from his face, “You can’t just lock him away and hope that will make him better.”

“Why not?” The words were out of Brian’s mouth before he could stop them.

“You have to push him to challenge his fears. Or else, the Justin we all know and love will never come back.” Emmett gave Brian a knowing look and challenged him to object to the word love.

He didn’t. Instead, Brian squatted down in front of Justin, completely facing him, with a bit of distance between them, and waited for the blonde to notice him.

Once Justin’s gaze settled on Brian, he tentatively placed his hand out, palm up for Justin to take with his good hand. The blonde hesitated but then placed his hand on top of Brian’s but didn’t squeeze or interlock their fingers in any way. It just sat there, making the barest of skin contact.

“Hey,” Brian whispered. “Do you want to go back to the rehab center?”

Justin nodded, unshed tears in his eyes, fear evident in all the features of his face. But, the longer his hand made contact with Brian’s, the more he seemed to relax. Brian didn’t move from his position until all the remnants of Justin’s minor freak-out were gone from his features and posture. 

“Do you want me to get the chair from the Jeep?” Brian asked, still in his squatting position.

Justin shook his head. “I can walk.” He whispered.

Brian gave him a small smile and nodded in understanding.

*****

An hour later, Brian sat in Justin’s room at the rehab center as the young man slept. The excursion to visit Emmett had been extremely short-lived and had zapped all of Justin’s energy. He had crawled out of his chair and into his bed the minute they arrived back. Brian had chosen to stay with Justin and quietly called the office for an update on one of his clients from Cynthia. He had just hung up the phone when Jennifer arrived.

She looked from Justin’s sleeping form to Brian and cocked her eyebrow.

“Your excursion not work out?”

“It did. He just freaked out a few minutes in, and we came back here so he could rest.” Brian stretched his arms and legs out in front of himself before he stood up.

“I’ll let you have some quality alone time with him.” He said and was almost to the door when a woman in a suit, carrying a file folder and clipboard came into the room.

“Mrs. Taylor?” The stern woman with red hair pulled into a tight bun looked directly at Jennifer, ignoring Brian’s presence entirely.

Brian hung quietly by the door and surreptitiously listened in as the woman explained to Jennifer about Justin’s bill. The fact that Jennifer hadn’t dismissed him from the room told him she didn’t mind Brian hearing that she owed the center some money. The stern redhead handed Jennifer a leaflet about payment options before she turned around to leave.

“Come see me later, and we can discuss your options.”

The moment she was gone, Brian looked toward Jennifer. She had crumpled into the seat Brian had recently vacated and had her head in her hand as she looked over the leaflet. The stress of not knowing what to do was evident all over her face. Brian crossed back to her and placed his hand on her shoulder. 

“It’ll all work out.” He wasn’t sure where the words came from or why he even said them, but he couldn’t find it in himself to regret them.

“I’m not sure how. My ex-husband is behind on paying me child support for Molly. And my job as a real estate agent hasn’t really taken off just yet. The bill from his first surgery alone wiped out my entire savings account.” Jennifer paused as if she suddenly realized what she had said, “Please ignore my ramblings. Thank you for being here for him. It really does make a difference. He’s so depressed when it’s just me here visiting him.”

Brian looked away from the woman, unable to truly take the appreciation for what it was. Without another word, he slipped out of the room. Once the door was closed, Brian leaned against the wall briefly and let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. He was almost all the way out of the lobby when he saw the admittance desk and thought better of it. He approached the elderly woman behind the desk.

“Hello, I’m Brian Kinney. I was wondering where I could find the billing department.” He flashed her his most charming smile and she was like butter in his hands.

“Ahh, yes. The young man who visits Justin all the time. We all love Justin, such a sweet young man. Such a shame what happened to him.”

“Yeah. It’s a tragedy.” Brian tried his best to keep the sarcasm from dripping too much into his words. “The billing department?”

“Yes, of course. You go down that hall and make a left. Her office is the third door on the right.” She motioned with her hand to show him where to go.

“Thank you.” Brian tapped the desk and walked off in the direction she had indicated.

[fierceawakening]

2/? It seems like most of the female people I know these days are nonbinary; if engaging with them the way they prefer stopped taking mental effort to walk on eggshells that would be better for everyone. As it is, I just... I feel like I'm staring at the naked Emperor, and if I breathe one word of his nakedness in the wrong situation I'll get excommunicated from the "queer" community. And when I do manage to find someone to talk to in private, they either agree that yes [CONT'D]

That's fair! It took me a long time to figure out what I thought nonbinary was, and longer than that to consider whether applying it to me made sense. I can tell you what this process is/was like for me, if it's helpful.

I knew since I was very young that I was Different from Other Girls. I had a similar body (albeit a disabled one), and my understanding was that people with that body are called "girls" and referred to with "she," so I never really went through a period of thinking these didn't apply to me.

I also did not go through thinking I was a boy.

What I did go through? Was wondering a lot of the time if I "should've been" or "was supposed to be" a boy.

I tried to talk myself out of these feelings, as adults of both genders I knew about kept telling me "girls can do anything."

But the one thing they DIDN'T seem to consider a part of "anything" was "have penetrative sex as the top," and they certainly didn't explain to me that there are ways "Female" "shes" can do this, or that some people like it.

So I resigned myself to the idea that I was a girl, that there's no "should have been" it made any sense to feel, and that it just meant that where most people grew up to want to have sex, I would grow up to NOT want to have sex, because I'd always have to do it wrong.

That, or I would reach this "puberty" thing people kept talking about, and everything I was wondering about would magically invert and I'd become Correct and stop asking myself this stuff.

Now it could have been I was just a butch lesbian, but again... I didn't have context for what that was! I knew, vaguely, that some girls date girls and some boys date boys and it's less common but valid, and I did kind of wonder if that would make it better, and told a few people I thought I'd be a lesbian, as it was the only thing I could make parse at all.

When it became clear in my adolescence that I crushed hard on girls but ALSO (a bit less intensely but it was definitely there too) on boys, this was a bit of a scary revelation. And do what with them? How? I wanted SOMETHING, but I couldn't tell what that was unless, again, I imagined myself in a male body, whether topping a female or a male or some imaginary combination. (Yes, please.)

I knew "FTM transsexuals" existed, but I didn't know that I was one of those. I talked to them, and made friends with many, and am still glad to be friends with many (hi guys, love you!) but... they seemed to really like not just the idea of their bodies becoming less alien to them, but the idea of BEING BOYS. Which seemed to me like, okay, I'd have the right body for sex and that would be lovely, but then the rest of the time I'd have a body that wasn't at all like a girl, when "girl" was what I was... mostly... except for this... THING.... oh god I'm so weird, I'm just a freak.

Fast forward to college. I took a gender studies course, trying to figure out what the fuck was up with me (and made the disastrous assumption "gender therapy" meant you tell a mental health professional that you suspect you might be trans, and they gently and without judgment talked you through what your life might be like if you transitioned vs if you didn't, and helped you to come to an authentic decision and then supported you in it. All I got was "do you hate your period? No? Then you're cis. Bye.")

A really fucked up thing happened. I now think of it as, well, really fucked up. But there was a section in our textbook talking about sex differences and what they were, and why they're not the same thing as gender differences, and in it was a photo of the naked body of a person with CAH--a masculinized female body, including bottom growth.

I now feel very weird I ever saw that, and apologize profusely to whoever that was that someone took photos of her(?) body.

But I had a lightbulb moment. My mind went, "if that was my body, I wouldn't feel weird any more."

Which led me to: okay, I DO have sex dysphoria. I wasn't making that up or parroting words I'd heard trans guys say or something. But I didn't have it quite in the way that they had it. I had it in a way that felt like "I belong somewhere in the middle. I'd be happiest like that, but am afraid I'd be bashed if I was like that and openly so."

Why do I have this feeling? I do not know. I just know that when I pretend it isn't there because it's weird and silly, it doesn't go away. I just feel like the same person I was a moment ago, just now I'm weird and silly.

Some butches seem to describe similar feelings. I lurked in those communities a lot and still do sometimes. But I wasn't a lesbian, I was bisexual. People seemed to be very weird about caring a lot about that bit, so I didn't dare delurk.

But it did seem to me that the gay community was actually *much* more about people who felt weird in their bodies or gender role than "gay people just like people with the same body" described.

Now do I know for sure testosterone would help? No, as I haven't tried it--but I do know that the feeling I am calling dysphoria intensifies horribly if I take any birth control pill stronger than the weakest on the market, which seems to confirm to me that there's a level of estrogen that feels wrong, and leads me to want to find out if a higher level of testosterone would feel "right."

(If it didn't? I'd toss it.)

What frightened me all my life was that people never seemed to talk much about in-between feelings. if you confessed to them you were proving you were cis. and if they were sexual? Hoo boy, you're just messed up.

Now people talk about feeling like being in the middle much more openly, and they call that non-binary. So... why not use that word? Especially when there isn't this weird "did you ever enjoy sexual contact with someone who was male? Or were you going through fundamentally unpleasant motions in every way all the time?"

Which I can't answer as "because I felt uncomfortable in my body and role, it was all completely awful." I did feel off and weird, but I didn't completely lack enjoyment, and I certainly enjoyed seeing my partner's pleasure and knowing that being with me caused that.

So there you go.

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

So this is going to be somewhat inflammatory though it's not meant to be. It's me trying to make sence of the things around me.

If rates of T in men and rates of E in women were stable as to what they should be, rather than the rates we are seeing now, And you had two loving parents, who were married. As well as a strong figure of the opposite sex assuming you had 2 same sex parents growing up.....How many people would actually end up trans, NB or GNC?

I ask this not because I'm being hateful but because prior to the 2010's this stuff really just was not happening. And the reason I ask this is because there is a really weird trend I've noticed in my life and it's......difficult to discuss without being labeled awful names for it, or just dismissed outright.

I've noticed throughout my life, there has been a propensity of gay men, (seemingly a lot), who end up being sexually assaulted by men early in their lives. Now let me get through this. I have a friend who died not long ago. He committed suicide. He had a sexual experience with a gay camp counselor early on. However, he later off'd himself. His note explained that he lied to himself for years that the only way he felt like he had a choice in what happened, is if he was gay. And that he fought with himself forever over whether or not he was or was not. At the end of it all he found himself to be living a lie, and more or less as a monster. And it drove him off the edge.

I think that at the end he hated himself so much for having been taken advantage of like he had been. What's more I had to be around him during a phase where he thought that the only way gay young men would find out if they were or not would be to be basically sexually assaulted by an adult. But I drilled it into his head for almost a year until he gave up. Kids can't consent. And just because it happened to him, does not mean he can take advantage of vulnerable and often hormone driven horny that is young men.

And it's a question I've always had. Why is it that most of the gay men I know, all seem to have 1 common trait which is that they were sexually assaulted. Often by older men. Now, I don't know much towards the other side of that. I just know what I know. However, now a days, one of the oddest trends is instead of being gay, now young people that are sexually assaulted, end up coming out as NB or trans. And I very much wonder if the root of that is in fact trauma. It's one of the reasons I'm a huge advocate for therapy. And not just "Therapy" but actually talking to a proper, non affirming therapist. Not one that will DENY the possibility you are in fact what you say you are. But one that will DO THEIR JOBS RIGHT.

Idk, this is a hard one to type out for me. I know there are gay people and Bi people etc that I follow. Even friends of mine. And it's always a hard topic to discuss. Is it possible that a lot of gay men are only gay because they were conditioned? Was it needing to feel like they had a choice having been assaulted sexually? And mind you, this question is not to say, infer, or even suggest that gay men ONLY exist for this reason. I just have questions is all. And I don't know how to ask it or have a civil conversation about it with people that are not going to bite my head off. None of this is me in bad faith.

[sallysgrancanwrite]

Chapter Thirty-Eight

⚠️Warning: domestic violence.

Things slowed down at the Cafe by 10 AM so Chloe and Beth were given their break. They went in back to sit and have some coffee.

Beth asked again, “What happened yesterday? I’m asking as a friend who cares Chloe. I can’t help if you won’t let me.” Beth said.

“You can’t help me, that’s just it. I’m stuck in a brutally abusive marriage. No one can help me. If I leave he will kill me. That’s all there is to it. Y’all have been great but I’m not putting any of you in danger of his anger.”

“You still haven’t said what happened,” Beth said.

“He raped and beat me again. I was hurting and called Edith for help. I can’t call her everyday or every time he hurts me. I have to learn to manage somehow.” Chloe explained.

“Why do you think you have to do this alone? He’ll kill that baby if you aren’t careful.” Beth stated.

“I know Beth. I’m trying to be careful. As much as possible. I’m protecting the baby. I don’t let him get a punch in my stomach.”

“We need to get back to work,” Chloe said.

“Hey, whether you want us there or not we are there for you. Don’t forget that.”

As soon as she got off work Chloe had to go and lock up the bank for the night. It was Friday. Chloe wondered if Michael would allow a visit with Edith and Bob tomorrow night. She drove home and as soon as she walked she could tell Martha hadn’t been there that day.

“Michael? Honey, I’m home. I locked up the bank for you.” She hollered. There was no answer.

She went upstairs to see him sitting on the side of the bed holding some mail crunched up in his hand. He looked at her with those dark eyes he would get before a blast of rage.

“Honey, what are you doing? Have you eaten today? I’ll go make supper.” She said.

“Stop right there traitor!” He yelled as she was walking away.

“What are you talking about?” She asked.

He threw the letter at her. She picked it up and realized it was addressed to her from his therapist. Her blood ran cold. Why would Ms. Cromwell send her this knowing who Michael is? She looked up at Michael.

“What do you want me to say. I wanted to see how therapy was going. Obviously not well since you quit and lied to me about it, but I let it go. Michael you should go back. You were doing great.” Chloe said.

He stood up and slapped her.

“What do you know, you didn’t have to fill your body with those drugs that made you feel tired, lethargic and definitely not yourself. I’d rather feel like this than to go back on those damn drugs. And what’s wrong with how I am?”

“Michael, you have to get control of your anger and rage. And now you’re drinking and missing work. You need help.”

“I don’t need a damn therapist or drugs!” He said as he grabbed her arm and twisted it behind her back. “Don’t tell me what I need! I need to eat, go cook.” He said as he shoved her toward the stairs just opposite of their bedroom. She went downstairs and noticed Edith at the back door. Chloe stepped out.

“Here ,” Edith said, “get a pot and put this casserole in and give me mine back.”

“I told Beth I couldn’t do this anymore.” Chloe scolded her.

“I know but I never listen to anyone.”

Chloe hurried and made the switch and gave Edith her stuff back.

“I took the back road so I’ll leave now. I love you Chloe.” She said as she took off quickly.

What was she going to do with her. She went back in and warmed supper up, just a easy tuna hot dish, and warmed some dinner rolls up.

“Michael, supper is ready.” She yelled.

“Bring it to me”. He screamed.

So she got him a plate ready and took it to him. Along with a piece of pecan pie.

“It’s about time.” He grumbled as he started to eat.

This is not the man she fell in love with. Sitting here in his boxers, a t shirt, eating on a tv tray watching some sports game and drinking. Ugh, men. Now she knew why single life was better.

She went and ate in the kitchen with a glass of wine. When she was done she collected his dishes and cleaned everything up. He was asleep by then so she took a hot bath and went to bed.

He was up early to go to work. Good, because she wanted to sleep in. He didn’t even say goodbye.

He was home by 1:00 on Saturdays but today he wasn’t. Where was he she wondered? At 5:00 she got a call from the sheriff’s office that they Michael locked up for drunken disorderly behavior and starting a bar fight. Chloe couldn’t believe it.

“What do you want us to do with him Mrs Conrad?” The sheriff asked Chloe.

“When does he see the judge?” She asked.

“Not till Monday,” was the answer.

“Let him dry out for the weekend and see the judge on Monday. I’ll come get the bank keys in a bit though.” Chloe stated.

She drove over and pulled the bank keys off his ring so he would still have his keys to drive himself home on Monday. She would have to open the bank on Monday again. She then went over to Edith and Bobs home. She knocked on the door.

“Chloe, how nice to see you, and looking so good.” said Bob as he hugged her.

“Thanks Bob, it’s good to see you all. I thought I would see if you all felt like playing spades tonight?” She asked.

“Where is Michael?” asked Edith.

“Michael is in jail for starting a bar fight. So I left him there for the weekend.” She told them.

“Good for you.” Beth said.

“Well,” Bob said, “I’ll get some drinks and you all deal the cards.”

They played cards till late. Chloe decided to just stay the night. It had been a while since she had a good breakfast from Edith.

When she woke up she could smell sausage and was glad morning sickness was finally gone, because it smelled marvelous. She went downstairs and found Edith making Bob’s favorite biscuits and gravy. Chloe didn’t mind them either.

“You know Chloe,” Edith said, “we need to take you shopping for maternity clothes. You’re starting to show.”

“Yes I know. Not sure how Michael will handle that. I’m sure the words fat and chunk will become a couple of his favorite words.” Chloe said.

“Don’t you pay that any mind,” Edith said, “you’re fine how you are. You’re supposed to grow a belly.”

Chloe could hear Edith mumbling something underneath her breath but she couldn’t hear it. She was pretty sure it was about Michael.

After breakfast the ladies all got ready to go shopping for Chloe at Miss Maggie’s Maternity clothes.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

First up, I wanted to thank all of you for running this blog. It’s such an important resource for as I’m sure it is to many others.

TW: Possible child abuse (emotional neglect / slight physical / overall unhealthy dynamic). LGBT-phobia. Ableism, perhaps? Mentioned disordered eating and suicidal ideation.

I’m looking for something more in the advice or reassurance vein, please? So, I come from a more traditional family: I constantly have to walk on eggshells around my dad, he and my mom rant about how LGBT is “corrupting” the world (which is so stressful for me because I’m genderfluid), my mom called me stupid for sobbing in front of her and saying I felt depressed… that type of stuff. Only last year did I realise that these aren’t healthy family traits. However, as I speak more and more with my recently-acquired mental health counselor, I’m getting unsure on if my parents are actually abusive or not. We’re practicing stuff like reframing (this mental health help is for a limited time only, though, so it’s not full-on therapy) and part of me agrees with what my counselor says, but another is angrier and insists they might be watering down my problems because of my miscommunication.

For example, I explained how my mom once told me that “family is the only you can trust” and how she “bets my friends are talking about me behind my back right now,” yet they say my mom is communicating poorly and that she’s right; friends can and will drop you, unlike family. They highlight that I’ll always see the worst in my family because my parents will come home tired from a work day and might just be stressed. Or whenever I explain stuff like my frequent skipping meals or suicidal ideation, their response is a “it happens to the best of us” and then moving on to the next topic (apart from things like that, they handle most other problems well.)

But as I’m writing this, I feel like it’s all my fault, you know? Like I’m antagonising my first and only therapist for the sake of it. Like I’m grappling onto the tiniest, pettiest moments in my life to announce “I’m an abuse victim!” and demand others pity me.

I’m sorry if this is a too long/a confusing ask, but I’d like to know whether this seems like I’m blowing it all out of proportions or if it’s justified? (If you don’t want to answer or don’t have a clear opinion, that’s completely fine! /gen)

Thank you,

— Void

Hello Void,

My sincere apologies for taking so long to reply to this - thank you so much for your kind words, we appreciate them <3

I am so sorry for the things you are experiencing, it sounds like there is a whole slew of issues and concerns to unpack, and I’m glad that there is some therapy in place already - though I hope the short term develops into something more concrete as you slowly peel back the layers. Just from the examples you shared in your ask, I personally feel you are living in an unsupportive, abusive home environment, and have unequal relationships with your friends who are dismissive of your mental health and attempts to speak your truth in vulnerable moments.

It is quite reasonable to me that you would feel anger, and several other emotions as well, surrounding all this, because you have been attempting to label, and advocate, for your needs, and (I assume) ask for the bare minimum: mutually respectful relationships. Because as much as several people keep trying to downplay what is being said/done to you, I wonder how they would feel if they were experiencing the same? Would they feel just as dismissed if they came to you sharing suicidal ideation and you replied with a “happens to the best of us?” I would feel sad if they felt this was the best standard to be found in friendships. And how would your mom feel if she were the one crying, sharing she’s depressed, and you replied by calling her “stupid”?

You have been working hard trying to see their perspective, but to me, by what you shared, they aren’t extending you the same courtesy, and you deserve mutually respectful relationships. We all do.

As for advice, I don’t think it’s as simple as “ghost everyone”, but perhaps tweaking how much you share with people whose track record is subpar at best when it comes to handling your truths of vulnerability?

Maybe an option to consider could be building your support system one step at a time - therapy is a fantastic start, because they can help work on a treatment plan with coping skills, as well as provide safe spaces to explore your feelings - but maybe also consider branching out where/how you meet people? Perhaps online groups of niche interests, or community volunteering programs, both can be a wonderful space where you might meet others on the LGBT+ spectrum who will honor your identity, and/or have connections to further mental health resources. There’s also support groups (both in person, and online) that might be an option as well?

I wouldn’t want anyone to spread themselves too thin between relationships, and potential commitments, and yet on the other hand, exploring your available options might be of service - in that the very least you can start building your own tribe, where you can let people in who are willing to extend you the same empathy and compassion you’ve been trying to do for yourself.

Regardless of what the next steps might be for you, I am so sorry for the things that have happened so far, and I hope that things improve <3

- Mod Kat