#was able to actually get my meds this week and im trying to start working out again!

[thats-a-lot-of-cortisol]

Using my brain like a metal detector to figure out what the FUCK it wants to do

[phagodyke]

ohhhhh my god girl i don't careeeee

[flokali]

— It’s been updated after a year (huhuhu, time flie too fast … slow down); please read the warning since some of these are significantly darker than my usual content ;; >_>))

I’ve decided to experiment with world building and push myself out of my comfort zone ;; none of these are 100% finished, they’re WIPS or concepts I wanna work on.

— Please;; I selfishly ask you continue supporting me even if I’m not as active as I used to be =_=^^ I plan on working as hard as I can to make up for my absence >_<

If your ask isn’t here, do not fret - this is mostly for original content or requests that I’ve modified ever so slightly and/or are closer to being finished (—3—))7

𖥔 WIPS

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈𖧵┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

These are all my works in progress in no particular order.

Last updated: 10/6/23 (12:29)

WARNING: All/most of my work is considered Dark Content as it includes Yandere themes, therefore all of these WIPS are Yandere/DC. Trigger and content warnings will be issued alongside each WIP.

GENSHIN IMPACT

— Roomate : (NSFW) : Supernatural! Kamisato Ayato x AFAB! GN! Reader

• For the first time in your life you got your own place, being by yourself for the first time was scary - but what if you weren’t ever alone in the first place?

CW [May be subject to change] : Yandere, non-con, dub-con, oral, penetration, mind break, masturbation, emotional distress, supernatural, implied murder and kidnapping.

Positions : Top & Dom! Kamisato Ayato / Sub

& Bottom! Reader

……

— Like the stories : (NSFW) : Serial Killer! Al Haitham & Accomplice! Kaveh x Internet Sleuth! GN! Reader

• An up and coming mystery writer under the pen name of “Najib” had caught your interest after you noticed the eerie similarities between his latest anthology series and a string of unsolved cases that had been tormenting your city, putting on your internet sleuthing to good use you team up with a user known as “Salim”’ to see if your gut feeling was right… maybe you shouldn’t always trust the “safe” option.

CW [May be subject to change] : Yandere, murder, suicide mentions, serial killer, manipulation, gaslighting, threats to MC’s life/safety, paranoia, torture, non-con, penetration, oral, double penetration, anal, kidnapping, mind break, stockholm syndrome.

Position : Top & Dom! Al-Haitham / Sub & Bottom! Reader / Top! Kaveh

……

— Forced Worship : (NSFW) : Acolyte! Zhongli x God! Reader (SAGAU)

• After being hunted by him for months for crimes unknown, the God of Contracts demands your presence and forgiveness but you’re not willing to accept his apology. Even if he’s mellowed out, Rex Lapis is still a devout follower of his Grace, his relentless pursuit of you should’ve made it clear, and he can’t stomach his God having him.

CW [May be subject to change] : Yandere, non-con, penetration, forced stimulation, mind break, unrealistic sex, belly bulge,

Positions : Top & Dom! Zhongli / Bottom & Sub! Reader

……

— I was reincarnated into my favorite RPG mobile game but all of my oshis hate me because I am their incompetent God?! / PT I : (adult) Genshin Cast x Isekai! GN! God! Reader

• You died, a bummer really, and somehow managed to reincarnate into your favorite Open-world Role Playing Game, Genshin Impact! Except you’ve been given the role of a “God” you’d never heard of and the people aren’t too pleased with your performance.

CW [May be subject to change] : Slight! Yandere, murder, death, torture, religion/cults, worshiping, self-awareness, antagonism towards MC.

……

— I was reincarnated (again) into my favorite royal romance light novel with RPG mobile game characters who hate me because I was their useless God in my (second) past life?! / PT II : (adult) Genshin Cast x Isekai! GN! Royal! Reader

• After being killed by an angry mob, you find yourself reincarnated into the role of a young heir to a throne from a romance book you’d read ages ago, things seem to be much better with no angry and vengeful acolytes — or so you think until you realize they’ve replaced the characters your younger self adored — now you can only play stupid and hope they don’t remember you from your previous life.

CW [May be subject to change] : Yandere, cult/religion, obsessive and possessive behavior, assasination attempts on MC’s life, power imbalance, mentions of murder, torture, stalking, stealing, violence (not towards MC).

……

— Ero-anime : (NSFW) : Modern! Shut in! Weeb! Xiao x Popular! AFAB! GN! Reader

• As the campus resident hottie you’re bound to catch the eye of most, that includes local Loser-H* tai-Brained-Otaku Xiao who’s convinced himself you’re meant to be his in every way; he’s just building up the courage before he can take you for himself.

CW [May be subject to change] : Yandere, non-con, somnophilia, mentions of h*ntai and ero-content, oral, penetration, breaking and entering, stalking, non-consensual recording.

Positions : Top! Xiao / Bottom! Reader

……

— Fallen Idol : (NSFW) : Non-believer! Kaeya x Isekai! God! AFAB! Reader

• After a life of hardships, Kaeya had long since abandoned his trust, belief or tolerance for any deity – especially you. He can’t help but become enraged when you suddenly waltz into Teyvat after over a millennia of absence and the way you basically threw yourself at him; but maybe this could be a learning opportunity for both of you.

CW [May be subject to change] : Non-Yandere, one-sided affection, penetration, sexual objectification of MC, religion/cult, mentions of sacrifices, mentions of neglect, anger and distaste towards MC.

Positions : Dom & Top! Kaeya / Dom & Sub! Reader

……

— I love you, I own you : (NSFW) : Childhood friend! Childe x AFAB! Reader

• After hearing of your arranged engagement to one of his subordinates, Childe decides to pay you a visit and remind everyone you have belonged to him for the start; even if it means defiling you in your own home to the point no one but himself could love you.

CW [May be subject to change] : Yandere, dub-con, penetration, misogyny, toxic parents, manipulation and gaslighting, mentions of pregnancy, obsessive, paranoid, and possessive behavior, toxic mindset, coerced submission, getting walked into, bribing, murder, torture.

Positions : Dom & Top! Childe / Sub & Bottom! Reader

……

— Make Love; Mech Love : (NSFW) : (adult) Android/Cyborg-esque! Genshin Cast x Reader

It’s the year 21XX and humanity has reached a point where human connections are not valued as deeply as they once were, nowadays you can fill the void of relationships with high tech androids designed to fulfill all your needs no matter the cost; it’s in their programming, after all.

CW [May be subject to change] : Yandere, android/cyborg, non/dub-con, oral, penetration, masturbation, voyeurism, sex toys, borderline dystopian-world, sentient machines/technology, murder, blackmail.

Positions : Switch! Characters / Switch! Reader

HONKAI STAR RAIL

— Agapathe : (adult) Acolyte! Star Rail x Isekai! Aeon! Reader

• The Aeon of Love had long since disappeared, their path long forgotten - but their legacy lives on in the hearts of most of the Universe’s inhabitants. After centuries of your absence, your sudden reappearance caused quite a stir within your believers.

CW [May be subject to change] :Yandere, cult/religious themes, isekai-troupes, reverse harem, obsessive behavior, delusional thoughts and behavior, sacrifices, blood, murder.

……

— Sheltered : Scummy! Sampo Koski x Trust Fund! GN! Reader

• After running away from home you find yourself stranded in the Underworld, the ever so kind Sampo Koski decides to take you in from the goodness of his heart and definitely not for the expensive clothes and jewelry you were clearly sporting. With the original intent to throw you back to the Overworld once your funds ran out, partially in hopes of securing a payment for bringing you back home, he finds himself in quite a pickle when he realizes he’s become a bit too attached to the handsome aristocrat that now lived in his house.

CW [May be subject to change] :Yandere, scamming, toxic parents, mentions of murder, kidnapping, implications of ransom, stealing.

……

— You’re the boss : (NSFW) : Jing Yuan x AFAB! GN! Reader

• As the General’s secretary, you’re practically forced to put up with his antics - no matter how cryptic or odd they were, after all your job was on the line.

CW [May be subject to change] : Yandere, Boss x Secretary, power imbalance, dub-con, oral, penetration, workplace relationships, age gap, unwanted advances, threats.

Positions : Top & Dom! Jing Yuan / Bottom & Sub! Reader

TWISTED WONDERLAND

— The Huntsman, the Queen, and their Prisoner : Vil Schonheit & Rook Hunt x Prisoner! GN! Reader (Royalty AU)

• As the next in line to the throne, Prince Vil could hardly spare time for his hobbies - which is why he appointed his adored and trusted Huntsman to keep an eye on his favorite criminal in the palace’s basement.

CW [May be subject to change] : Yandere, power imbalance, implications of torture, mentions of murder/assasination, threats against the MC, coercion, forced relationship.

[bittershins]

Felt like i couldn't manage to get warmed up/dry today (rockin the drowned rat look) and I'm running on very little sleep. HOWEVER i saw a kid in bright blue splashing around in a puddle this afternoon and i have a friend's performance to go to this weekend so.

Things are looking up :)

[winryrockbellwannabe]

✨ Getting my life together ✨

to be very honest, i've been feeling kinda awful this last couple of weeks, and i haven't been able to do anything but stress over exams and complain about my life. today this will end.

So here's a hopeful but realistic list of habit's I'll try to implement

🏋🏾‍♀️ 1: Im going to start working out again.

Not everyday at first, and i still have to understand if it works better for me to work out in the morning or at night. Ideally im going to rotate between: arms/abs workouts, youtube ballet classes (there's a youtuber that seems to have great adult ballet videos, and its a chill way for me to work out), and hopefully going on walks on fridays, since i have the morning off, when it's not raining.

🫗2 : Im going to do the dishes right after i use them

i dont even hate doing the dishes, i dont know how i accumulate so many shit. But i do, and then i have no clean dishes and that makes me not want to cook, and delay eating lunch and stuff like that. SO DO YOUR DISHES!!!

💊 3: im gonna go to the pharmacy to get my meds and actually take them

self explanatory, ive been super anxious about taking my adhd meds, since im going to try to take a more intense dose than im used to, and i was a bit scared bc of side effects but my friend has already calmed me down a bit about it

🖋️ 4. Im goint to try to post more regularly and journal more

4.1. Post more regularly

It helps me get excited and motivated about studying, so self explanatory

4.2. Journalling

Everything is being so weird rn. My friends are acting so weird, two of them are basically ignoring me, and other two are acting super shitty towards me and another friend. It's super messy, and we don't know why everyone is being off, so i think i need to let all this negativity out of my system and reflect about this, and see if i could also be in the wrong in this situation

🧹 5. Im going to be more organized, and try to keep my room tidied

💖 6. Im going to try to spend more time with people that actually recharge my energy, instead of people that just stress me more and make me more upset

📜 7. Im going to try new places to study, since my usual ones haven't been working as well for me

and there's more to go, but i don't want to be too optimistic, Im going to be happy if I actually manage to keep half of those for more than a week lol

[nadianova]

How much time do you spend planning some of your visual novels? At least going by some of them being jam submissions, it feels like you go from pre-production to a finished build very quickly, and it's amazing how you can manage that while still having an awesome story and so many assets.

Also, what is like, the process of planning a story out for you, if there's any vague or concrete similarities that you've noticed?

i think the important context here is that if i get bored/have nothing to do i jhust immediately get really suicidal its like ridiculous how bad it gets(ITS FINE DONT WORRY ABOUT IT IVE HAD 5 YEARS OF THERAPY). so i hate being bored and want to occupy my time wit something fun whatever that is. if i have a project to focus on but especially if I'm working for a game jam i have a deadline and i just decide to myself okay i will release a game now.

because ive made a decent amount of games i roughly have an idea on my capabilities, i can estimate how long it takes for me to write a story so and so long and how long it takes for me to draw stuff i need and how long it takes for me to throw stuff in renpy. these are estimates like as in I'm not accurate with it but still enough that i generally know where to start cutting ideas since the most important part is just having something to submit. i also know to plan around my brain wanting to slam my head into a wall an my hands suddenly giving up on being able to draw.

i think thats the beauty of game jams it forces you to just go for it and release something. releasing a 'bad' game is better than no game at all. experience only comes over time and i think just going for it is the best approach there is. like its literally 2 weeks 1 month whatever of your life. if you have the time and motivation go for it. make it work or fuck it up it wont matter in the grand scheme of things

im not sure what is the motivation behind the question but i do want to point out that this is just my method (if you can even call it a method) and the only way to figure out what works for you is to just try until you find something that actually works for you

idk not everyone will find it doable/fun to plan around spending two weeks gamedev 10 hours a day just cause i wanted to fit in 100 cgs for a jam game but apparently i can do that when i cheat my stupid adhd brain into hyperfocus with adhd meds

READMORE BECAUSE I CANT STOP RAMBLING

as for planning tho i think ideas on their own are worthless and its always about execution in the end. a great idea or a meh idea are the same for me but i do still enjoy the planning process so i keep notes

like i see a great tumblr post or i see some art or visual novel has some scene that inspires me: i save that shit for myself

having a big collection of random floating ideas like that helps me easily pick from especially during a jam type duration. right now i have like 4-5 half-baked project skeletons, some are literally like 3 pictures and some like naomida are a hundred hours worth of me writing world building about how the toilets work in a city with no plumbing cause its -30celcius(i love bringing this up)=

i dont normally plan that much, i tend to just wing it. like for malmaid i seriously just had some rough ideas and just went along as i wrote

same thing for dddeviance i had a handful of scenes that i really wanted to make and knew what kind of start and end it was meant to have and just figured out how to fill the in between. a lot of plot points changed vastly like halfway through i realised my devil + angel combination was stupid and i should just go for fallen angel + angel.

i think there really is no simple answer tho (as evident from the long as hell post) i don't really have a 'process' because every single game has been worked on has come with different type of planning since I'm always trying new stuff to try and distract me from boredom. like I've been using obsidian for naomida while previously I've just used a empty discord serve as my notes app for malmaid and dddeviance

and tbh with naomida I'm running to a new problem where I'm definitely planning too much. like I'm spending too much time fidgeting with details in chapter 4 even when i haven't finished writing chapter 1 just cause its so easy to get in the loop of "oh ill just change this one line" and boom 20 mins spent playing with my notes that didn't really progress my game since by the time i reach this point the whole scene might have shifted to something else

.

but if i had to squeeze an answer itd be something like everything related to my art or writing or games is just like "oooooo that seems fun i should remember this for later" and then i just string 10-100 of those into a story

i tend to write my stories in a format of

character A does this and that

this happens here

puppy play ryona piss orgasm

new day and then this happens here

sad thing happens

more piss orgasm

the end

and just like start filling in more details and working on my story in a nonlinear fashion until i feel like i have a strong enough skeleton that i can start writing my scenes. i hop around a lot, often preferring to write the fun scenes first like ero stuff or the ones I'm the most interested in and then the rest is just filling the blanks and stringing the cool scenes together

[scream4ash]

tw 4 addiction, talks of self harm, talks of disordered eating, mental illness, self destructive tendencies, just overall me being a piece of shit.

hey, guys. ash here. i guess i wanna apologize for just dissapearing. when i had originally started posting, and decided i was going to be a writer i was sober, n in a better headspace. since then i have relapsed, n fallen into the cycle of addiction n destruction n just overall have not been in a good place.

i have struggled with substance abuse since i was around 13, mainly being alcohol or weed due to easy access. more recently in january of this year i had started abusing antihistamines. that way, i could tell myself it was just medicine, there was no harm in what i was doing. for those of you who don’t know, antihistamines are anti-allergy meds.

on march 17, i had overdosed. my girlfriend had found me on my bedroom floor seizing out. i was brought to the hospital via ambulance, n released the same day. i would love to say i stopped, n i realized the way im going would kill me, but i didnt. i had overdosed again 8 days later. this time when i was brought in to the er i was put on suicide watch. then i wouldve denied any attempts at harming myself, but deep down i didnt care the outcome. though im just now realizing i never really cared about what’d happen to me, but i think part of me always knew. i knew the consequences, i decided that god shall decide my fate.

i was then transferred from the er to a psychiatric unit where i was treated for depression n bipolar disorder.

when i was released a week later i decided it would be a new chapter. i had gotten a job, i was sober, n most importantly people saw me.

that lasted for around two months. the euphoria i felt had all come crashing down. i had slowly rejoined the forgotten, my own friends forgetting about me. i had fell back into isolation n self-hatred. i was fading out again, n no one noticed. no one noticed when i had started skipping meals, or the way my body physically could not allow itself to keep a single bite of food down, or the lack of sleep, even the empty look in my eyes. i have yet again fallen into the hand of addiction, seeking comfort from what i know is no longer there, what may have never been there in the first place. i have barely left my house, only going outside to walk my dog. i can no longer recognize who i see in the mirror. more recently i havent even been able to get out of bed to go to work.

i feel the need to clarify that i am 19 years old, the life i am living is not the life to live. i am actually all alone in the world. guys, if u, or a friend, or a parent, or a loved one, hell even ur worst enemy. if anyone u know, or may know of is struggling with addiction, let them know you are there. let them know that you havent gave up, youre still fighting for them. if ur thinking about trying drugs, or alcohol, hell even weed. don’t. take it from me. dont.

i havent been very active on here, n i am sorry. i am going to reopen my requests and start posting short works/blurbs. i will also get to the requests in my inbox, n those will be filled as blurbs. again, i’m sorry 4 bailing on you guys.

also so super sorry for the sob story, idk. kinda feels good to get this shit of my chest. idk, makes me feel like u guys know me kinda.

@calumikey @ashen-char @f4ngtooth @theactualqueenelizabeth @brittanysnowsgf @iheartambss @phorsphyn @spiderb00 @allsovls @jennaortegaswifey @liaisbaeee @xxxninjaxxx23 @chaejiberry @nohumanityhope @blakeroni @mm-myluv @amberfreemanmygirlfriend @lilahaga @mikeymisser @carolcunha7 @not-alesha @burninghotlava @shaunashipmanism @chaoticghosthoagiegoop @paigesbabymama @spidersareskrunkly @ghostampire @cursedashes @yveslish

tried to tag all of my followers, or as many that it’d tag. idk, i really want this to be seen.

[possibilistfanfiction]

legitimately fuckin obsessed with the avatrice football au my dude. that last snippet brought me pure JOY im tellin you what

[well here's some ava pov while i procrastinate ch3 plot lol, s/o to @unicyclehippo for the worst/best gay pun of all time, love u. honestly this is long enough to put on ao3 so ... i'll do that in a footy au series i suppose for context... justice for chanel lol]

///

waking up from your first surgery is a blur, mostly an inexplicable terror when you can’t feel your legs, when you can barely move your fingers. tears leak from your eyes and you can’t wipe them, can only let them roll down into your temples. but then there’s a hand in yours, and chanel’s comforting touch, her voice soft.

‘it’ll be okay, ava,’ she says.

it won’t be okay, you’re certain of it, because you’d been taken straight from the field to the hospital, and then right into surgery, your kit cut off so that they didn’t move your spine more than you already had. you love football; you love football, the feeling of being so at home in your body, the feeling of going fast and the delight of the burn in your muscles, of not being afraid of anything.

‘i’m really scared.’ you look at chanel, showered and gorgeous, in a team issued bomber that seems impossibly elegant, even now. 

‘yeah,’ she grants, swipes her thumb against your cheeks and into your hair, catching your tears. she grabs a tissue and wipes your nose, which, from anyone else, would be absolutely horrifying, but she does it with so little fanfare and you’re in pain and also not pain — the worse option — you can’t even really care. she’s your favorite teammate: kind and brave and funny. she’s your friend. ’you’re gonna get through this, though.’

‘i don’t — i don’t want to.’

you don’t even quite know what you mean, still out of it because of pain meds and anesthesia, but chanel sighs gently.

‘you will. one day, you will.’

/

you don’t, not for a long time. after your fifth surgery you kind of tell yourself that you’ve definitely given up on football; they move you to a long-term rehab facility specifically for spine injuries, which is better than the hospital for sure, but it’s still hours and hours of physical and occupational therapy that leaves you feeling discouraged more often that not. once the inflammation starts to go down in your spine, you start to, at least, regain some function in your arms and hands, and after your sixth surgery, things are, you’ll admit, more hopeful. at the very least, you’ll be able to do things like use a manual chair and cook and type emails. 

you’re not great at texting yet; your occupational therapist is always telling you that if you worked on writing, and holding cutlery, and even more boring, pointless shit like pick up sticks, you’d have an easier time, but, whatever, you can type with the pointer finger of your right hand and it gets the job done. chanel visits as often as she can, most days in the late morning, which feels particularly generous in the off season when she could be being glamorous somewhere else, probably invited to paris fashion week or something. she brings makeup — expensive, beautiful makeup — and doesn’t seem to care when you clumsily fuck up lipstick or poke your eye with a mascara wand. you know she brings it so you actually do your occupational therapy exercises, but she also brings you changes of comfortable clothes and washes your hair gently every few days. she lies back in bed with you, long limbed and beautiful, and watches matches when you don’t feel too sad. 

a few days after your eighth surgery, your last, according to your neurosurgeon, you wear a giant back brace over your beatrice xin jersey, your favorite player to watch, and your physical therapy team gets you strapped into this harness that connects to the ceiling so you can try to walk on the treadmill and for sure won’t fall. it kind of feels like you’re doing a stunt or something, and chanel stands there and indulges you with a smile while you make all of your best ‘strapped into a harness’ jokes.

and then — you do walk. it’s slow going, the treadmill barely moving, and your legs feel sluggish and so weak and almost not like your own. it’s been two months since you took a step and it feels like a fucking miracle. chanel wipes a tear or two from her own eyes, even though you can only walk for five minutes and are sweating kind of profusely — it’s a fucking miracle, and she understands it too. 

/

‘what are you frowning at?’

she rolls her eyes and pockets her phone, easily pedaling with insane resistance on the peleton next to you while you struggle to get your legs to listen to your brain and pedal at all. ‘idiot bros on twitter. “trans women don’t belong in women’s sports” and all that bullshit.’

you stop trying to pedal because you’re already entirely unsuccessful today and now you’re not able to focus at all. ‘fuck them.’

she grins. ‘yeah.’

‘i’ll beat them up, just you watch.’

it makes her laugh, and you think she knows you really would physically get into a fight — on or off the field — if anyone ever said anything to her. 

‘plus, i can take you 1v1.’

‘in your dreams, silva.’

‘i’m going to, again. don’t even think i won’t.’

chanel pats your hand; you feel it all. ‘i’ve always known you could do it. i’ve never thought you wouldn’t, ava.’

you duck your head, unused to genuine praise after all this time stuck in the same boring, discouraging, painful rooms at the spine center, even though all of your doctors and nurses and therapists had been nice.

‘but,’ she says, ‘first you gotta pedal on this bike.’

‘it’s hard,’ you whine.

‘you’re just distracted.’

you look at the game you’d turned on, beatrice xin currently with two goals and two assists, and sigh. ‘i’m horny.’

it gets the biggest, best laugh out of chanel, and you feel a little something like pride bloom in your chest: you love making people you care about laugh. 

‘fine, fine,’ you grumble. you look down at your feet, your quads and calves so small and pale compared to six months ago; you try to breathe through the immediate fear and the tiny bit of shame that pops up. but you focus, feel your feet firmly on the pedals, think about how you know how to ride a bike; you know how to stand up straight and put on pants and kick a ball. the back brace you have on feels tight, feels restricting — but you focus on activating your quads, then your hamstrings, and you eventually get the pedals to move.

‘hell yeah,’ chanel says.

‘if you try to give me a high five right now i think i’ll get all scrambled if i try to move my hand.’

she laughs, reaches over and pats the top of your head instead. 

/

‘ava silva,’ chanel says, and you grin; you can’t help it. she holds her phone at a, thankfully, flattering angle as you walk along the beach — slowly, but steady: you trust you won’t fall, that you’re strong enough and getting stronger. ‘what does freedom feel like?’

chanel has like… three million followers, and she loves social media, something that your old club has always been thrilled about. they hadn’t renewed your contract, but you’d understood; they’re still paying for all of your medical care, so you don’t really feel upset, just a sense of loss you’re not quite ready to name. but chanel loves you, and she’s so, so happy for you — even if you never play again, you’re walking and even starting to run now; you’re in pain but it’s manageable. it’s okay.

‘it feels —‘ euphoric; devastating — ‘like a miracle.’

/

you flop down on chanel’s neatly made and extravagent bed; you’ve been staying in her guest room — which she had turned into her closet, so it’s still kind of packed with all of her beautiful clothes, although there is a very expensive bed for you — and training until, hopefully, you can get signed somewhere. she doesn’t even look up from her ipad when you sigh. ‘hello, ava.’

‘i have a favor to ask that i actually think you’ll be interested in.’

she pauses whatever she’s doing, then looks up. ‘i’m listening.’

‘well! okay, so. as you know, i’ve basically only worn hospital gowns and sweats for the last year and a half, and before that, i was, like, a child.’

chanel perks up, and you can practically see the wheels in her head turning already.

‘and now, wherever i get signed, you know, people are gonna care, and want interviews and all this stuff. so, in small part, i want to feel good about how i look for this next chapter of football.’

‘i love it,’ she says. ‘and what’s the large part?’

you flop back again, just for the dramatics. ‘i am… so horny. like, you don’t even understand.’

she laughs. ‘JC is nice though, right?’

‘yeah,’ you say, because he is. ‘but, like, girls.’

she pauses for a second, a happy smile on her face. ‘so, you want to look… more… bisexual?’

‘i mean, i do already? because i am? right?’

‘well, of course, ava.’ it’s gentle and reassuring but still a little amused.

‘but — yeah. like, i want to pick stuff i love, my clothes and my hair and whatever, gain back control, blah blah, everything my therapist is always going on about.’

‘your therapist is great, you love her.’

‘sure.’ she is; you do. ‘so anyway, i just — i guess i just want to feel like myself.’

‘now that,’ chanel says, ‘is a favor i love.’

/

‘you’re sure?’

‘it doesn’t matter if i’m sure,’ chanel says, sitting in the hairdresser’s chair next to yours. you have the salon to yourselves; she’d booked you a private appointment with her hairstylist immediately.

you turn to said stylist, dimitri, with their chic and very neat fade. ‘are you sure?’

‘like chanel said,’ they say. ‘it only matters what you want. we don’t have to do anything big.’

you look in the mirror; you hadn’t had the real opportunity to get a haircut in a long time, being in the hospital and rehab and then spending as much time as you could training after that. you haven’t, really, taken the time to deeply care for yourself, something your therapist has been bothering you about. you want, so badly, to live as big as you can. as much as you can. 

‘well, i’m sure, as long as you think it’ll, like, be good for my face shape or whatever.’

chanel and dimitri share a quick glance and then chanel rolls her eyes. ‘ava, you have to know that you’re beautiful, right?’

you pause for what you feel is an appropriate amount of time. ‘yes.’

‘but since you asked,’ dimitri says, ‘i do think this will be great for your face shape.’

‘alright,’ you say, feeling suddenly very excited and a little buoyed. ‘let’s fucking do it, then.’

chanel cheers and dimitri grins; they wash your hair gently, and you feel a little panicked until chanel starts talking about the threesome she had a few nights ago, which is delightful and grounding enough you stay, fairly easily, in the present of this beautiful, outrageously expensive salon, the control you get to have. not that you’re thrilled about your therapist being completely 100% correct, but… she was right. 

dimitri dries your hair and then combs it out patiently, divides it and then clips up the top part. ‘ready?’

‘definitely.’

chanel grins and it’s easy, so much easier than you knew it would be, to sit and watch yourself become. you’re filled with a sense of joy, this tiny seed that grows as dimitri cuts your hair to your chin precisely, and asks you about your plans for the day, and food you love, and chanel talks about her latest modeling contract — in addition to football, which amazes you in a way that makes you feel proud in the very center of your chest, this incredible person who showed up and helped take care of you. you feel your shoulders relax; you feel your feet firmly in the new sneakers converse had sent you, comfortable and cool; you even take time to feel your butt in the chair with the knowledge that you don’t need to do any pressure reliefs or weight shifts because, when dimitri is done, you’ll be able to stand up and walk and dance and run and even play football. and even if — even if — one day, you couldn’t, you have your friends and your teammates and your life.

‘you look hot, ava,’ chanel says, very genuinely, after dimitri finishes with a leave in, then shows you how to dry your hair and recommends a light oil. 

‘go ahead,’ they say, ‘run your hands through it, all that jazz.’

to touch; to feel. you think you might cry, all of a sudden, with your soft hair that you picked, that you wanted, and chanel takes in your wobbling bottom lip and then tuts and pulls you toward her. because of your height difference, your face is basically smooshed into her chest and, even though you do cry, you laugh too, wet and messy and alive.

‘this probably my favorite place in the world,’ you say.

chanel shoves you playfully and you grin up at her. 

‘thank you.’

she waves you off, as she always does when she’s a little overwhelmed too. ‘don’t thank me yet. now we have to go shopping.’

/

it’s not as bad as you’d feared; despite the fact that chanel only wears the most elegant designer clothes — her closet is full of gucci and bottega and, of course, chanel, and a whole shelf of louboutins — but she also loves you and knows you, deeply, and so when her driver pulls up to a row of a few very cool-looking thrift stores, you have to hug her again. she gives you helpful feedback on pieces and outfits and you feel, quite genuinely, happier than maybe you ever have. you buy crop tops and high waisted, loose jeans and a few sweaters you love; some silly earrings and a necklace and a cap that chanel laughs at, but fondly enough you know it works. you find a men’s button up with a bunch of flames on it and she rolls her eyes but you put it on anyway, knot it at your waist so it feels just above your shorts.

‘do i look bi?’

‘you look a little bit crazy, but i definitely wouldn’t think you’re straight.’

you’re practically shaking with excitement: ‘it’s… flaming. i’m flaming! get it!’

chanel groans. ‘ava,’ she says, but wraps an arm around your shoulders and throws it on the growing pile anyway.

/

you feel happier than maybe you ever have until the next morning, when you come back from a silly game of football on the beach with her and JC and a few of your other friends, your hair spilling out of the tiny bun you’d managed to get it into, which had made you laugh, and sit down to have some burrata — another one of your favorites that chanel indulges in getting for you from time to time, even did while you were in the hospital and she had to put it on little crackers and feed it to you herself — and then accept a call from your agent. you step inside to take it, close the door softly. 

after it’s done, you yank the door open this time, burst onto the patio. all of your nerves are alive; in your shorts, your legs look strong again, tan and muscular and capable.

‘good news?’

you’re almost too excited to explain that you’re getting signed by your favorite club, $6 million for the year, with, if all goes well, an option to extend your contract another season after. a bonus: they just hired dr. jillian salvius, one of the best sports specialists in the world. all of your care will be, of course, included.

chanel starts to cry, which makes you start to cry, and she hugs you to her tightly. 

‘i am so happy for you,’ she says. ‘and i’m really gonna miss you.’

‘i’m gonna miss you too,’ you tell her. 

she backs up and puts her hands on your shoulders, a smile sneaking up her face. ‘you know, i happen to remember your favorite player in the whole entire world playing at a certain club.’

you hadn’t really thought past football and then six million dollars, but — ‘fuck.’

chanel laughs, face beautiful and delicate and rich in the sun. ‘i can’t wait to show her pictures of you in her jersey.’

‘oh god, are there any on my instagram? i have to go check.’

she just keeps laughing, and it’s all brimming, so wonderful, right at your fingertips.

/

you sign a few days later, your hands steady.

/

‘well,’ chanel asks, lounging back in bed on zoom, ‘how was day one?’

‘oh my god.’ your hair is still wet from the shower you took at the training grounds; you had raced back to your new apartment to make sure you were on time for your call. ‘i got there early, to play a little bit, get the nerves out, you know. and guess who was there and wanted to play 1v1?’

she grins. ‘no fucking way.’

‘i got schooled, obviously,’ you say, think of the way beatrice xin had moved with the ball, how surely she went into tackles, how precise she was. ‘i did score twice, though, and nutmegged her once. greatest football moment of my life, i’m pretty sure.’

‘what’s she like?’

you think chanel is probably humoring you, but you don’t care. ‘beatrice is… beautiful.’ it’s really the only word you have: her neat bun that stayed in place perfectly other than a few errant strands by the end of the session today; her clipped, lovely accent; the way her calves had looked while she was sprinting; the delicate lines of her face; her freckles and her eyes; how she had been serious and professional but kind; her strong back, muscles rippling under her skin in a way that made you shiver, in the locker room when she had untucked her quarterzip and pulled it over her head; how she seemed lonely, despite it all. ‘she’s really beautiful.’

/

it’s a while later when the sheer mortification dawns on you, but then beatrice, in her weird, hot, hilarious way, seems to dissipate the extreme embarrassment you’re going to be faced with by being embarrassing first.

‘hello, chanel.’ she reaches out her hand very seriously, in her favorite linen jumpsuit and a very expensive pair of off-white dunks and black, cat eye sunglasses that are honestly cooler than you expected, in front of her favorite nice brunch place. chanel shoots you a glance and then shakes bea’s hand firmly while you both try not to laugh. 

‘hey, it’s great to meet you.’

‘you, as well,’ bea says. ‘i — before we sit, i just wanted to extend my admiration, for the work you have done both on and off the field for trans equity in our sport.’

it’s so serious, and so genuine, chanel seems a little disarmed and a little affected. ‘thank you.’

bea nods once, seriously. ‘and, maybe more importantly, even, my deep gratitude, for caring for ava. she’s spoken so highly of you, and it means — i love her,’ bea decides on, after a pause. ‘i’m glad, immeasurably so, that she has people who love her too.’

chanel suspiciously sniffles. ‘can i give you a hug? is that weird?’

bea smiles, a real smile, your favorite, and opens her arms. you resist the urge, passionately, to make a joke about how the two hottest (sorry, lilith) women you know together is really gonna do it for you during your alone time later, which is honestly a fucking feat.

‘well,’ chanel says, ‘i made a presentation of every embarrassing thing ava has done that you should know about.’

‘oh no.’

bea loops her arm with chanel when she gallantly offers, and bea says, ‘oh yes.’ you trail behind them, feeling short and small and bursting with happiness. chanel orders basically the entire menu for you to try and she and bea laugh at your expense when chanel opens her phone and does, indeed, have an entire canva presentation of you being embarrassing, but you don’t really mind at all. the sun warms your shoulders and you drink champagne that costs way too much money, the bubbles bright on your tongue. chanel laughs and bea puts her hand on your thigh, just like that: you feel it all.

[yakultii]

guys im so overwhelmed rn bc I have a dentist appointment at 8am tomorrow ew. anyway positives of today were completing another week of classes, eating ALL my meals including brekky before class and wasn’t even sick from anxiety this morn (at least not to that extent), my hot shower tonight ofc as always and also I bought this mattress topper which made my bed more comfy!! my goals for tomorrow are to get my dentist appt out of the way, drink water bc I actually don’t think I had any at all today oops & also work on a uni assignment cos I keep putting it off and I really needa make a start even though I wanna lie in my bed all day ugh (and it’s super hard bc im not able to take adhd meds atm bc of health stuff but we gon get things done anyway or at least try) but even if I do it in bed idm I just needa do something !! I hope y’all are having a lovely week <33

[systems-overloaded]

(I had double incision top surgery)

HOLY CRAP MY CHEST LOOKS SO GOOD!! IM SO HAPPY!!

I've seen ALOT of post op photos. I had watched multiple videos of the actual surgery I was getting, and also looked at a FUCK TON of pre-op, post-op, and other healing stages photos.

I have literally never seen a chest look this good at any of the first healing stages. That's insane, I'm so happy.

My actual surgeon didn't have any photos of their masculinizing top surgeries, even though they'd done it multiple times before, so i kinda felt a bit nervous about that. I wasnt sure exactly how it'd look, even though i know the initial stages can look gnarly but heal phenomenally.

IT. LOOKS. SO. GOOD.

I'm so happy and also a bit in shock about how good!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!

(I really want to share photos tbh, but i have tattoos that could be identifying so i won't here. I may post somewhere else with my tattoos blurred. Maybe transbucket?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~☆~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyways the surgery went perfectly!! My mast cell was totally under control!! My chest has healed so well!! I didnt need the ICU and have been recovering at home!!

He was able to hook up my nerves on each nipple, so i should expect sensation still! AND he was able to preserve my tattoos, which all have extreme emotional/sentimental significance to me!

All the issues I have been having, are sooooo much less than we were expecting, and all the doctors, nurses, and just medical teams for this entire thing have been so good!! Especially the anesthesiologist and pain team that worked with me for the actual surgery.

So, besides some hiccups and more mild expected issues related to my other health conditions, I'm doing so well!!!

This is such good news, and means a couple of my conditions are much more controlled than I thought!!

(the "more" section just has more detailed health info, and my experiences so far)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~☆~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I did have some significant & expected prolonged issues from the anesthesia.

I didn't wake up for multiple hours, then woke up but was still totally paralayzed for multiple hours and couldnt communicate that so they thought I wasn't waking up for even longer, RIP.

Then once my right side started to return, my left was still almost totally paralayzed for over an hour too.

(We're hoping that was just a hemiplegic migraine, because I do get complex migraines and have had hemi-paresis during some. That doesn't follow the pattern of my paralysis episodes from my channelopathy (which is why i was paralyzed still for so long.) So the assumption is I was having paralysis episode and a hemiplegic migraine at the same time.)

I'd also had significant increased weakness for about 2 days, I still have increased weakness now, over a week post op but its probably not related to the anesthesia directly. Most likely my mitochondria taking a hit, contributing to overall fatigue, worsening of my channelopathy, and my adrenal issues.

There were also some issues getting a new pain medicine since i had a lot of adverse reactions to what was initially prescribed. But the doctors have been very good about helping me find alternatives.

They'd gave me a nerve block on both sides initially (which apparently is almost never available, but i was able to get!!), and a localized pain pump for the first 3 days, then a muscle relaxer and pain medicines. I've couldnt take the muscle relaxer or the pain meds due to like severe adverse reactions, so now that the localized things ran out, I've been suffering a bit while waiting for a dr to prescribe something else for me.

And I'm actually still needing increased steroids for my adrenal issues, which is considered "abnormal" to still be needing at this point. I'm hoping once I have a bit more pain control from these new meds we're trying, then I won't need as much steroids. *fingers crossed*

Then, I have an adhesive allergy, and we've been able to avoid tapes and adhesives almost entirely. I haven't had any blistering from the paper tape they've used in some areas. I did have some itching which I've been taking benadryl for and it is more controlled now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~☆~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel very very blessed. ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Im so grateful I was able to get this surgery, to have it covered entirely by insurance, to have such a good team of doctors helping me, for my body to have done so well with this whole process, that my chronic illnesses have been controlled as well as they have with my current treatments, that my doctors are helping me find alternatives for pain control, that my chest has already healed so well, that i have the supports in place where i can recover at home, even with prolonged issues or temporarily worsened symptoms, that the surgeon could hook up both nerves and preserve my tattoos. I am so blessed and I am so grateful, and I am so happy, I'm so excited for when its all healed up.

[really-burnt-toast]

Personal post! I kinda wanna ramble and rant about the medical negligence I've been subjected to (also partially my fault tbf) - it also was sorta the reason I struggled so much this month

(Rambling under cut)

So turns out my doctor's office gave me the wrong medicine for 1-2 months (or more) and I found out just this week bc at the start of this month I got the ACTUAL meds I needed and then wasn't able to sleep at all for two weeks bc withdrawal from the old medicine.

Timeline is basically;

- Takes new meds for over a year now (for mental health) they are prescribed by my Psychiatrist but I can get the Prescription by my doctors office

- Those meds only exist in 50mg and then 150mg, not 100.

- I need to take 100mg so I said 100mg when asking for them to give me a prescription

- Instead of telling me it only exists in 50mg and then 150mg, they assume I mean the medication under a SIMILAR name that exists as 100mg. That is NOT my medication.

- They give me the wrong prescription and I dont notice it bc they have the same name, just with a second word added

- Proceeds to take those for a few months until I run out, dont notice anything different other than becoming really sleepy after taking them (they are for sleep problems, they work way more extreme than my regular ones) which was actually a plus

- Two weeks ago I went back for a prescription and they gave me the ACTUAL one i needed, I am mad I got the 50mg because I DONT KNOW THEY DONT EXIST IN 100

- Cant sleep barely at all for two weeks bc my regular ones dont work all at once like the others but instead spread out. For two weeks bc of that Im suffering withdrawals (and miss important appointments bc I pass out after being up all night)

- Call and explain im taking 50 double and cant sleep. The woman on the phone passive aggressively says I should "tell them when ordering that is an OLD prescription and not the NEW one"???

- Sus

- Go to get my prescription and I noticed the word is missing (finally) I asked the pharmacist if its the correct one and they said no

- Go back and point out wrong prescription

- They finally tell me the prescription I NEED doesn't exist in 100mg. I didn't know. I tell them I've been taking 100 mg ones just a few weeks ago.

- Go back home to get the package and realize Ive been taking the wrong prescription medicine for MONTHS.

- Go to the doctor and explain everything.

Sooo on Monday I caused the entire doctor's office to scramble bc we were all horrified ive been taking the wrong prescription medication. Now I take BOTH to hopefully get myself to actually sleep again. It's sorta working.

The reason it happened was I used to take the other meds years ago and they are both the same main ingredient but different doses and uses. That's why that woman said I'm ordering the old medication. I wasn't. I was trying to order the new one.

Gotta explain all that to my Psychiatrist once he's back from vacation bc he needs to know I've not been taking his prescription on accident LOL

This is all happening in Germany for context. Felt like that needed to be said lol

[olderthannetfic]

Alright I got kinda a bananas questions for you, but how much time do you think should be divided up between work, hobbies and people. Actually wait more specifically what do you think is a good goal to just sit down and do work, but like actually doing work. Like sitting down for 90 minutes and finishing something not working on said thing for 5 hours then finish it. Over the past couple years I kinda erm, just sorta stopped? My mental health has steadily going to shit and covid fucked that all to hell and I was spending so much time in what was essentially a state of panic(didn’t realize it at the time, but that’s essentially what was happening) that I was too exhausted to do anything and just kind of stopped. I didn’t realize it the time but now that I’m finally getting better Ive noticed how little I was doing and how doing little really negatively effects me. Its become a good marker for me to check that I’ve been actually painting, seeing friends, going for a swim but sometimes it still all goes belly up and I’m trying to figure out what is a good goal.(and whats a good marker for when fucking up) Like a realistic long term goal I can strive for and keep track of. I could real easily just say “go for a swim everyday” but that feels unrealistic. In fact I put exercise in same spot as painting so it would be more like “do hobby for an hour a day” but even that feels like a lot. The thought of that feels exhausting so at least for me it should probs be do hobby thing at least 5 times week. Big goal is to swim 3 times and paint twice or vice a versa. its just hard to do that and then I’ll feel like crap and then notice that I haven’t exercised at all for 8 days and I just don’t move around enough to do that. I’m like a dog or walking house plant that needs to go outside and move around for sunshine and blood flow otherwise I start to physically and mentally feel awful. Its just hard to notice you know? Ugh its annoying because there’s so much shit. Its not just that I need some kinda exercise I also need to do some kinda hobby thing for me and other shit that I like to do. And that isn’t even including the work I need to do. I wasn’t even working before I cannot express enough how much of “doing nothing” I was doing. I’m doing better know with meds and therapy and what not and it is helping but I’ll still get home at 7 and just look at my phone and do some combo of read fanfictin/ play sudoko till I get tired and fall asleep. Then I wake up and shocking, I’m still on bullshit. Sometimes its feels to much to shower (at least with that one I know that I can get away with one at most 2 days with out shower so if I didn’t shower the day before I can mostly just force myself into the shower) that’s what I’m trying to figure out for everything else so I can look at my self force my self to stop looking at phone and paint a shitty flower or something. I was doing pretty good but The other week I house sitter for a friend and was immediately back on bullshit. I barely left her apartment the entire time I was there I’m sure that if I actually went to class, got exercise, painted (I brought all my paints then did fuck all) I would have been able to get more work done. I think Im only actually productive when I’m actually getting up and doing crap. I’m in a contact state of “working” and doing nothing but time is moving forward. I have no idea what this anon is. Ugh whatever I’ll submit it anyway

TL;DR trying to be better at actually do stuff and not doing fuck all. Any idea on what’s a good goal to strive for and what’s a good marker for shits getting fuck go for a walk

--

Social time is going to be extremely variable. I'm an extrovert and thus lots of social time is no problem. I also do okay not seeing people though as long as I'm busy.

Exercise should be prioritized above most other things, much as I hate this. You should be doing something basically every day. I agree that swimming is likely not realistic on that schedule, but maybe a walk around the block? It sucks, but forcing yourself to get off your ass every day will help with the rest of it. Also, exercise that takes you out of the house, even if only briefly, requires that you put on clothes, which is also helpful.

Get off of social media. If you're having trouble managing things, now is the time to take a break from anything that involves doom scrolling and time just disappearing.

(I say from my bed where I'm wearing the dirty sweatshirt I slept in and no pants while answering asks instead of working on my next novel. Hmm...)

It's obviously important to you to prioritize painting, but I see the difficulty there: you have to get set up and clean up afterwards, and you can't leave paints sitting around or they dry out. I'd try to schedule one longer session per week for now. If you have something else like sketching, you can schedule more frequent shorter sessions because that's easier to pick up and put down without a lot of prep/cleanup.

I do find little morning rituals like making tea helpful. They pry me out of bed and add some structure to my day.

[figgyblossom]

hhhnnngg have first shift at new job today... starting later than I will be once the place is actually open and am kind of hoping today will also not be a full 8hrs...

I'm not not interested to see how it goes and not not looking forward to meeting a bunch of the folks I'm going to be working with and see who I already know..

But this is just so not what my plan or goal was for after graduation and while this will make me money I desperately need and then I can pay my bills while working towards the next steps of my future.. im just so tired and in so much pain and rly didn't want to find myself doing fulltime kitchen work again and km scared that I won't be able to physically handle it and will have to quit sooner rather than later, and also worried that being so exhausted from working full time is just going to make it that much harder to actually have the energy and ability to look for and pursue those other opportunities..

Also it's a full week today that I've been 32 and this year/age has not been great. Maybe I'm just getting all the bad shit out now so the rest of the year can be less bad... that sounds right, right?

I have to leave in 45 min tho so I'm gonna go try to get ready and be comfy and prepared and maybe take my adhd meds jusy for some extra support.... 😮‍💨😭😮‍💨😭😮‍💨😭😭😮‍💨😭😮‍💨

[wrdn-tabris]

a little life update :-)

(pls help i need advice)

so

i have this friend. two friends actually. i went to visit them recently (june)

friend 1, lets call her cat had asked friend two, lets call her bee, to move down with her. bee agreed. issues immediately started. bee was off her meds and didnt want to get back on them, and started picking fights with cat, treating her badly and etc bc thats what bee used to do when she still lived with her mom. pick fights when her mood dropped and get into screaming matches (tho its not like her mom didnt also pick fights with her)

cats telling me abt this at this time and i feel bad bc i feel like i wasnt being a good friend mostly bc i didnt have the energy to hear abt how terrible it was going for her. i was going thru a lot when it started which isnt her fault or my fault, but i feel bad for not being more supportive. so cat stopped telling me abt it, bc i didnt know what to do or how to fix things. i thought stuff resolved itself but i went and visited and it hasnt. really.

so i arrive. bee doesnt come with cat to pick me up, which, ok disappointing but i understood she was tired. she didnt come to eat with us either. which also sad

next day cat asks for some rent money to get herself lunch, bc she forgot to make smth to eat before leaving and cat couldnt and wouldnt give their rent money so she could get lunch. so she asked us to bring her lunch from mcdonalds if she ordered somthing bc she had points on the app, and we had to decide tht if we are driving tht far out to where she works we might as well do something over there. cat asks if we should invite her partner with us and i agreed bc i wanted to meet him. we go to pick up her lunch, she asks me to buy her something rather than ordering smth off the app, which, feels :/ to assume ill just buy it for her. i would have if she asked but she just sent me her order. mybe an asshole move of my to say 'uhhh sure if ur able to order it off the app???'

get the food, fight thru traffic to get to her, have to fight thru parking traffic to get out of where she works. we end up visiting this old military fort and hang out for a few hours and when we come back we think bee is asleep. its like. 7:30? 8:00?

so i try to inflate the blow up bed i got for them to use for when they have other guests sleep over and me and cats bf wake her up while im trying to figure out how to work it so she comes out and snaps at us. i apologize for being loud, promise to be quieter but im inflating the air mattress so i might be loud for a few minutes. the ENTIRE time im inflating it shes standing there arms crossed glaring at us and clearing her throat the entire time. and maybe its just me but??? i find that to be a little fucking rude tbqh. me and the bf are guests and its making me feel unwelcome and regretting the money i spent to come visit her. anyways cat comes out from the bathroom bc bee is still there clearing her throat with her arms crossed even after i finished fixing up the air mattress, and its quiet as hell bc me and bf are both uncomfy. cat gets mad and upset bc were guests in their home and she shouldnt be treating her like tht. shes upset we woke her up but surprise surprise shes even MORE upset i met cats partner before hers bc she wanted it to all be 'together' even tho i agreed to meet bf bc i did! want to meet him! and that we went to the fort without her.

anyways.

i apologize to her abt that bc i wanted to meet him but shes like 'no cat knew i wanted to do this thing' which fair.

the rest of the week goes ok. i get to meet her partner and theyre so nice and funny and i was super excited to meet them. we hit off great. we get lunch with one of cats friends, bee remarks abt 'oh i used to get so upset abt ppl being happier than me, enjoyed making ppl unhappy and would go out of my way to do so, bc i didnt like that they were happy and i wasnt' i buy bee a present for her birthday and u kno week ends i go home, and turns out bees partner comes out to her abt some things and bee freaks out, gets super upset and reacts really poorly. starts crying and going off abt being betrayed and etc.

turns out partner breaks up with her the next day bc they were uncomfortable with the reaction and then she starts crying and going off again abt feeling betrayed and upset and wanting to kill herself and tht they told her they loved her and would never leave and etc etc etc amongst other 'its not faiiiir' reactions. i still hold the opinion she was upset bc they broke up with her first.

cat calls her out for her behavior and that shes saying some very inappropriate things and tht ex isnt an awful person. bee ends up demanding all the gifts she gave ex back and wanted to know what ex would be doing with special gifts they got her before they both broke up.

i honestly end up quite. disgusted? with her behavior bc any time she broke up with someone while she lived separately from cat, shed ghost us and wed only get her side of the story. cat all but ends up moving in with her partner bc bee refuses to clean up after herself and keeps making a mess of things and its just a bad living situation.

cat tells bee tht shes not thinking of renewing their lease at the end of the year bc she cant handle living like this and bee lashes out. ends up making a mess of their kitchen and breaking some of cats things.

she also uses special non stick stuff of cats and uses metal on it (which ur not supposed to do) and keeps using cats own dishes and dishes she got from her grandma and doesnt clean them or anything.

my thing is. i dont know what to do. i kinda wanna stop our friendship bc im upset at how shes treating our other mutual friend. but i dont know if i should talk to her bc ive asked cat if i should try and talk to her to get her to see tht shes not being a good friend and cats told me not to, mostly bc she refuses to see shes wrong. im leaning towards wanting to follow her advice bc she has been living with bee but also it feels so scummy not to say anything esp when i know shes going to be going thru a difficult time in the next few months. however if i talk to her, i dont want to cause her to lash out at bee or have any of her things that are still at their apartment broken bc bees already proven to lash out and break other peoples things when shes upset at them, and i dont want to make it any worse for her.

bee would tend to ghost us when she was stll living with her mother, so much so tht we wouldnt hear from her for weeks or months, esp when she was feeling bad. i would try to reach out to her just to make sure she was fucking alive lmao. im worried if i were to reach out and ask abt all this and end with our friendship splitting off, shed do something drastic like hurt herself. i want to reach out and try to salvage what i feel is a dissolving friendship but i also dont want to be friends with this type of person unless shes worked on herself. i still love and care for her but like i know who i would stick by if i had to which... feels bad to say and sucks but th fact is i am closer with cat, mostly bc when bee would ghost us me and cat would still talk and we have more in common.

i want to talk and ask her why she would do and say these things and treat ppl she loves like this but ive been told not to but it would feel wrong not to at least. reach out. i dont know what to do.

AITA?

[rottytops]

i definitely think the adhd medication (successfully) rewired my brain and made me seek out long term goals over short term pleasure like i have been literally my entire life so now my current goals are to unfuck my credit to move away from my shitty roomies, get my new car and actually get into an ltr lmao

SUPRISINGLY ENOUGH 2 of these 3 goals are either in progress or very obtainable ive been saving a tunna cash and i can get a new car next month after i get my license renewed and ive found this cute little studio that i can maybe move into if i get help co-signing it, then ill just camp out there until my loans are paid off in 50000 years

the last one though.,,,,its so weird. the like. burning fervor to date someone long term kinda slugged me in the back of the head! ive always WANTED a nice relationship but it was never a PRIORITY to me bc i had video games or whatever. these new feelings made me realize ive been living my life like. entirely for myself which is FINE but my standards for myself (combined with how ADHD made me content with literally anything as long as it was easy) make me like. gutter trash tier as a partner, i think. essentially as i am now, unless the other person is equal parts deranged and shitty, im utterly unlovable which is like. tough tits i guess. but if im honest about it i can at least try to change it. part of me is conflicted; if i have to change myself to become more datable, is the person really dating me, or am i just creating a false persona to get conditional love. its a scary thought but at the same time im not really changing MYSELF past getting in shape and taking care of my skin, its more im giving up on being a dopamine addicted manchild and getting my own apartment. with my own car and stuff...these are actually just completely normal goals to have and i already wanted them i just kinda have new motivation for it lmao!

you cant just force a relationship and theres no way im attracting the hoes to me in my shitty room, so i think i need to??? go??? outside??? and hang out with ppl??? utterly mortifying but when i get my car next month i think i can actually do that. id like to make more irl friends as well, i had a bunch of friends in college so. i guess ill go to more smash locals or something but outside of that sigh sigh i have no idea.

these major revelations have all hit me in like the past 2 weeks, since i started my medication and the dosage was upped, i have a lot of work to do and not that much time to do it, really!!!! i hope i can become someone like. worth keeping around in a few months time...!!! the pieces are there i just need to like, put them together....



i could write a whole thing on how mad i am that it took me so long to get medicated and how fast i became a Normal Person after being on meds but like idk that line of thinking doesnt help anybody...!! i accomplished so much even with my debilitating ADHD and now i can do so much more with a mindset that can actually handle the shit neurotypical people expect me to be able to do, considering how im literally good at everything, combined with how ive managed to survive this long with almost no real help from irl people (seriously ive gotten more assistance from my online friends than literally anybody in my family both financially and emotionally) means that me WITH medication is gonna go absolutely insane. im going to be like ultra rich this time next year, probably LMAO....or at least have a boyfriend AURHUFG



anyway if u read this for some reason i love u and also give me ideas on going out and meeting people, i think i can hold a conversation just fine but where do people even GO. do you guys think ppl at bars or whatever know about disgaea. hmmm.

[ghoulangerlee]

Went to the doctor this morning and she was actually nice to me for once.

And I say "nice to me" in the most basic way like. She is nice let me start there, but we are at odds a lot because I have chronic conditions that stop me from eating certain vegetables that she thinks I should eat, a chronic condition that stops be from being able to exercise as hard as she wants and despite HER nurse practitioner diagnosing me with one of those she still doesn't understand the exercise fatigue I get lmao.

Under the read more there's some weight discussion and stuff like that :)

Anyway, I was only going because she wouldn't refill my BP meds lmao. But I've lost 10lbs in the last few months which doesn't sound like a whole lot, but for me that's absolutely amazing.

She congratulated me on it and we had to talk about diet and exercise habits so I mentioned that I'd been trying to follow the half veggie, quarter carb, quarter protein when I eat food because that's what's keeping me full in between meals so im less likely to snack.

Then we talked about exercise and how I'm actually exercising at least 5 days a week (and I am. Hybrid Calesthensics has been kicking my ass but it's worth it, and so low impact too) and she seemed surprised at that lmao (this is the same lady who told me walking for an hour on my lunch break wasn't enough exercise but I digress.)

I only started the HC thing last week so I don't think its done much with helping me lose the weight, I think it's just mostly been the diet change LMAO.

Anyway she wants to see me back in January as I continue to work towards losing more weight and as long as she's not gonna be pushy about it I'll continue to see her.

This visit was really the visit I was gonna use to see if I needed to switch doctors with Kaiser lmao.

I do have to go see an audiologist tho bc my ear infection is fully gone but my hearing is still muffled so that's cool. Oh and a dermatologist for this "growth" I've had for like at least since I was a child. But my doctor swears it looks bigger than it did last time she saw me. Ugh.

Anyway we'll see how this goes, I'm real jazzed about the 10 pounds though. That's a lot for me!! Especially since I'm like...seeing the lifestyle changes I made actually do something for once haha.