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kidrauhlschik · 1 month

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Hard To Let Go - KSM POV

~ Hard To Catch - Strike One can be a stand alone - this is Seungmin's POV ~

The term Strike Two comes from baseball, where a batter is allowed Three Strikes at a fairly pitched ball before being called out; thus, a batter with two strikes has but one more chance to hit a fair ball.

~ please read the warnings. ~

~ TW

Warnings: ANGST w a happy ending, depression, explicit injuries, self harm, anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, SUICIDE ATTEMPT!TW (PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS IF IT MAY BE TRIGGERING), if this would affect you in anyway, please steer clear and stay safe. Put your mental health first! lmk if i missed anything!

A/N: Strike one can be a stand alone, but i really wanted to explore Seungmin's little depressive era, and I may make a Strike Three as an epilogue lol. THIS IS NOT A STAND ALONE THIS IS AN ADDITION TO THE FIRST PART BUT IT IS NOT NECESSARY.

Word count: 8.2k

~ TW

Choosing to walk away from your door was difficult. He wanted to knock again but at the end of the day, he knew better. He is Kim Seungmin after all. It felt odd for him to knock on your door after facing rejection. He was practically used to it from you at this point. However, walking away from your building, his brain started going in millions of different directions. That was very unlike him, but getting close to the end of the year, he began to get worried.

Was he genuinely beating a dead horse? Were you never going to see him in the way that he sees you?? A part of him feels as if he should respect your wishes but at the same time, Seungmin wasn't accustomed to losing. Ever.

Maybe by graduation he could accept the fact that you would never see him in the same way that he sees you, but he didn't want to. A part of him felt as if you cared for him too.

When he was halfway to his dorm, he got a bad feeling, but he passed it as the rejection you had just given him, which made his heart ache, it did not make sense to him. He had always been genuine with you, always trustworthy, and always there for you. He spoke of you in the highest regard. To him, you were everything. Would you never love him back? Or at least give him a chance to prove himself to you?

He’d never pressure you to anything. Which is why he kept all of his despair from your rejections, hidden and masked from everyone.

Although he was lost in his thoughts, he heard footsteps approaching him. They were fast, so much so, that before he could fully turn around, both of his arms were being held by two people, one on each side.

Panic obviously set in. His thoughts stopped, and his fight or flight instinct set in. It was hard to put up a fight when a bunch of men were around him. He wasn't sure of how many, but it was definitely more than five against one.

Despite his disadvantage, Seungmin still managed to free one of his arms. With his right fist, he was able to make contact with the chin of one of the men. In retaliation, they held him back once again, and the same guy that Seungmin managed to land a punch on, returned the favor by landing a hit near his eye.

After recovering from the hit, Seungmin tried to open his eye, only to be met by complete darkness. The guy that had hit him managed to hit him with enough force to break the skin above his eye, causing the blood to pool through his vision . Had the guy aimed a bit lower, Seungmin’s actual eyeball could’ve been seriously hurt.

It would only get worse from there.

The next thing he knew, a sharp pain came to his left leg. He heard his bones breaking before he could actually feel them. That caused him to drop to one knee.

He heard laughs and rambling but his brain focused on the pain coming from the rest of his body. They were restless. Anytime he would try to look up or stand, another hit would land on his gut, or someone would step on his broken knee.

Once he fully dropped to the ground, he felt someone step on his wrist, the pain was so intense that he was scared his skin and bone would rip from the impact. At that point, he was too confused to understand the situation, all he knew was that he was supposed to leave. Sadly, the people that were holding him down had different plans.

Next thing he knew, one of the guys that was holding his arm, brought his arm up and kneed his elbow so that his elbow would fold backwards; that was a pain that he never imagined he would feel.

The punches and kicks didn’t stop. They were mocking him. Whoever they were, they wanted to make sure Seungmin wouldn’t be able to get back up.

He wondered what would have happened if he had never gone to visit you. He would have probably practiced for the upcoming game with the guys. Instead, his thoughts were racing back to when he was with you.

As the group left him blue and bloody, all he could think about was you. It all led to you.

He stared at the stars above. The sky was clear, but to him he could only see the blurs up above.

He wondered if he would die. How ironic. After all, you'd end up being the death of him. That wasn't true though, but he had no one else to blame. So he chose that the person at fault would be you. After all, if it wasn't for you, he wouldn't have been walking home this late on his own.

It's irrational, but as his vision began to fade from all the hits to the head he'd gotten, all he could think of was your smile. How you laughed when he picked you up in the baseball field after you enjoyed his passion with him. His last thoughts before he lost consciousness were of your rejection. You dismissing him like you'd done before.

He felt stupid.

He hoped that he wouldn't wake back up.

When he finally opened his one functioning eye, he automatically closed it again in response to the fluorescent lights.

"Min." It was Chan's voice.

"It'll be okay man. We are all here for you." Of course it would be Chan as the guiding voice. That alone, made Seungmin concerned. His brain seemed to block off the night before, it was like trying to catch up to something he wasn’t there for. All he knew is that he wanted to get up, he wanted to move and inspect his surroundings, but he couldn't even achieve that. It was confusing to him.

"Y/N is on her way." That name. Your name. He fought his fuzzy thoughts to remember why your name mattered so much at the moment.

"No" It was barely audible, but that's all he could manage to say after just waking up.

"Hey guys, the doctor is here." That was Minho's voice, Seungmin could tell, even thought he couldn't even see him yet.

He heard a couple of footsteps. He couldn't quite understand the situation yet, but he assumed that the guys were making space for said doctor.

For a second he wondered why a doctor would be relevant in the situation but then his mind started racing once again.

"Hey Seungmin, how are you doing?"

He didn't open his eye.

"Seungmin, I'm your doctor. My name is Dr. Jae-Soo Hun. I'm here to help you. Can you hear me?"

At the question, Seungmin tried his best to open one eye to show the doctor that he was conscious, which was very difficult considering how many painkillers he was under, which probably didn’t help the slowness of his brain at that moment. Once again, Seungmin managed to open his eye because after all, he was still the best at everything.

"Doctor?" Was all he could muster.

"We have taken your vitals. You have no damage to any of your vital organs and it looks like you'll recover like a champ in that regard." Champ. Seungmin had always been a champ. He knew that. "However, you did take some serious hits." That made it click. He finally remembered that after he left your place, he was caught by surprise and beaten. The doctor’s words made Seungmin want to chuckle at the understatement, but he didn't have enough energy to do so.

"What..." He took a heavy breath, "What does that mean?"

The doctor sighed and responded, "It means that you are very strong, but a full recovery will almost seem impossible based on what your X-ray exams tell us. However,-"

"However?! Is that not enough?" It was Changbin to butt in. The doctor didn't take him into account though, he kept on explaining.

"That means that you should have died. You're lucky to be with us right now." Seungmin’s first thought was that the doctor was being a bit dramatic. Sure, he was jumped but it couldn’t have been that big of a deal. Right? He’d recover just like he’d recovered from previous injuries in his past. At least that’s what was running through his brain.

"I'll be okay for the upcoming game right?” He looked at his teammates, but the guys, wearing somber expressions, were looking at ground, unwilling to make eye contact.

"Kim Seungmin, it’s a miracle that you’re alive right now. You suffered enough blood loss to have permanent brain damage in the best case scenario. Based on the damage caused by the assault, one wrong hit would have killed you on the spot.” The doctor stood tall. Making his point clear.

"Does that mean I can't play the next game?” To him, what the doctor was saying were just words. There is no way that the perfect Kim Seungmin would ever miss a game. Everyone knew that it was on Seungmin to lead the team to the finals, but no one anticipated what was to come.

"I apologize Mr. Kim, but your right wrist is shattered, and so is your elbow."

Seungmin immediately became clear headed at the doctors words. His right arm? That meant that he couldn't throw a ball, he couldn’t bat, and that he couldn’t catch. Dread fell heavy on his chest, his breathing halted as he actually took in reality.

The doctor continued, "Your left knee is also broken, and you spine took a bit of damage as well.”

"Okay so I can skip one game," He could recover right? It would take some time, but he is sure that he would be fine for the last game of the season. “But I can come back this year right?”

Unfortunately, the doctor looks at him grimly.

"Mr. Kim. I am afraid that you will have to leave your baseball career behind in order to prioritize your recovery." Seungmin couldn’t see, but Jeongin turns his back from the doctor to cry at the wall. Chan holds Felix’s shoulder as the pair try their best to not breakdown as well. Changbin looks as if he’s about to commit murder, and the rest of the guys are still looking at floor, trying to keep themselves together. They’re not mourning a player, they are feeling for Seungmin’s situation, because they all know what this will do to him.

"I can’t do that." Seungmin gathers himself again. "Baseball is everything to me. That’s my thing. That’s the thing I love the most." And you, but right at that moment, with each passing second, all the love he has for you is slowly turning into red hot hatred. Poison invades all memories that involve you.

"I'm sorry Mr. Kim, but in my professional opinion, that does not seem like an option based on your body's current state. You’re going to have to go through physical therapy for the foreseeable future. Perhaps, maybe in the far future, you could recover enough to participate in the sport.” It’s like the doctor was not aware of what he was saying, he had no idea that he was shattering Seungmin’s future like a wrecking ball on glass.

"Doctor, you don’t understand, I'm going to join the Lotte Giants." He looks at the guys who are still avoiding his gaze, “Guys! Tell him! You guys know me, tell him I’ll be fine!” His tone changes from confusion to desperation with every word. Almost begging for this reality to be a dream.

"Mr. Kim..."

Seungmin's eyes search the bed, almost hoping that his body will respond to his pleads. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t break through the pain holding him back.

“No…” His voice timid and broken. Chan thinks to himself that he’s never seen Seungmin this way, not in the slightest. One of his best friends, the rock to support on, the comedic relief to fall back on through tough times, the guy who is always there for everyone. How is he supposed to help him? He knows what Seungmin truly wants, and it pains Chan that he can’t help him through that.

If they were under different circumstances, Minho would laugh, because if any of the guys were in Seungmin’s current state, Seungmin would go and make a deal with the devil to help them out. Minho would do the same for him. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have the devils number, so all he can do is let the silent tears stream down his face with a bitter smile.

Seungmin truly breaks when he catches a glimpse of Felix and Changbin. Felix has tears streaming down his face, and he is trying his best to keep quiet, while Changbin let's silent tears fall down his cheeks as he stares at the doctor, his face being unreadable between anger and sadness.

Tears unwillingly begin to catch up to the champ. Finally understanding how dire the situation is, reality finally settles in. His delusions begin to fade and he starts seeing the world for how it truly is. Cruel. Unfair. Brutal. That was a side of the world Seungmin had never seen before. The go-to-lucky guy was getting his light dimmed because the universe decided to finally show him what reality is truly like.

"Please get out." Seungmin''s voice is cold and harsh, which was very unlike him.

"Seung-" Chan tries to reason with his friend before he is cut off.

"and don't tell Y/N. I don't want to deal with this, I don't want to deal with anyone, much less the pity."

Through sobs, Felix manages to speak, "Seungmin we don't pity you."

"Get out!" It's more of a plead than a command. The guys do not know that the second they finally walked away, Seungmin broke down to pieces. If he could've trashed the room he would've, but instead, he thrashed around the bed to the best of his ability as silent sobs caught in his throat at the acknowledgment that his future is non-existent.

Everytime he closes his eyes, he sees your face. The image of every rejection you have given him replays in his mind. If he hadn't gone to you, he would be fine. It's technically your fault. His downfall is all because of you. The person he loved the most is the cause of his demise, and he doesn't think he could ever recover from that.

The fact that he still loves you is poisoning his brain. It feels like a betrayal to himself. The love becomes toxic in his blood, every bit of affection turns into red hatred.

The thought of his resentment towards you simmers in his brain as he calms down and looks at the white ceiling. He continues reliving the night prior, yet he can't remember who the culprits of his incident were. He never had a chance to pinpoint them, his first priority was to get away, but he never could.

The rest of his hospital stay becomes miserable for him. Starting off from the events that took place when you tried to visit him.

All he could think about was your selfishness as you plead with him. Every word becomes more and more hypocritical. Every encouragement is a lie. The pain in his body and the stress of the situation becomes too overwhelming for him.

He wanted to share his pain. When he took everything out on you he felt relief, but something about being the reason tears were streaming down your face irked him. He knew he felt guilty. After so long of being the reason for your smile, and wanting nothing more than to make you happy, causing misery for you felt off. He pushed through those feelings and turned them into pride. He should feel proud. After all, you’re the reason he’s lying there, broken.

Useless.

He only allowed Jeongin to take him home from the hospital, the youngest being his closest friend. Yet, he didn’t speak to him much at all.

“How are you feeling?” He would keep on asking, only to be met by tight lips and silence, which was more than enough according to Seungmin.

Seungmin refused to ask for help, luckily his friends would come by without asking first. They’d cook for him, though he didn’t eat much. They’d clean for him here and there, but Seungmin wasn’t doing much aside from lying in bed and simmering in his own misery.

You’d come too, but he never let you come inside.

The guys would question him in the beginning, wondering why he had it out for you specifically, but they stopped bringing you up when he finally responded with, “I was coming from her house when it happened.” Knowing Seungmin’s mind was probably a riddle at the moment, they just assumed that the anger would pass, leaving just despair for the broken boy, but the anger stayed to infect more than the relationship between you and Seungmin.

It all started one night when he was alone. He simply wanted to use the restroom. All he had to do was get out of bed, hop in his chair, and make his way to the bathroom. Simple.

He never struggled for anything, so having to do such a simple task seemed like nothing but a small task. Things changed when he was trying to get out of his chair by gripping the porcelain counter with his good hand, and his hand slipped on the surface.Leaning forward, he tried to catch himself, but was caught off guard by his own weight on just one hand. He hit the ground hard, with his good hand trapped between his body and the floor. His body at an awkward angle between the chair, the counter, and the toilet, the circumstances making it almost impossible for him to move.

His face laid on the bathroom tile, features contorting in pain, it dawned on him once again how useless he felt in his situation. He couldn't use his right arm to wedge himself to a different position without pain shooting through his body. He kept on trying to use his good leg to find a stable footing or grip on his surrounding, only to flop it around to no avail.

Before he knew it, tears were streaming down his face for the first time since that day in the hospital.

This life didn't feel like his own. The golden boy would have been out tonight, maybe eating barbecue with his friends, or maybe singing karaoke with you.

You.

His anger slowly took over his sadness as it had before.

He didn't need you, or anyone for the matter. He only needed himself. He couldn't rely on anyone because if he did, he would be vulnerable again. He would be open for the world to come back and break him down, and he couldn't allow that.

So instead of wallowing in self pity on the bathroom floor for any longer, Seungmin used his broken hand to get a grip on the cold tile. The cast making it a bit more difficult to angle himself properly. Despite the shooting pain that felt as if his bones were on fire from the pressure, he forces himself to work through the pain. He needed to prove to himself that he could do it.

After a few agonizing minutes Seungmin was back in his chair. Panting from the exertion while holding his casted arm, he willed his arm to go numb.

Once he caught his breath, he made a mental note to start working out in whichever way he could to make up for his unusable limbs. At the thought he started laughing, slowly at first, but gradually cackling at himself. The fingers on his good hand reach his thigh and he began digging his fingernails on the bare flesh. As his laughter died down, he glanced down to see scratch marks.

Pathetic.

He thinks to himself because of his behavior. He’s never been like this. Maybe because things had been too perfect before, his glass mansion had shattered and now he had to walk through glass for the first time in his life.

After the bathroom incident, Seungmin began to lock his door, opting to ignore the knocks, texts, and calls of not just you, but the rest of the world as well.

The task of shutting everyone out became significantly more difficult when he had to go back to school.

After being in a wheelchair for a month, and excelling in his physical therapy, the hospital gave him the clearance to start using crutches. Which meant, it was time for him to go back to school, and to confront all of the people he’d been ignoring for the past couple of weeks.

Chan and Changbin had been the first to approach him on his way to class.

“Hey Seungmin!” Changbin appeared in front of him seemingly out of nowhere, and when Seungmin tried to go around him, his eldest friend blocked his way.

“Hey man, where have you been? Why haven’t you been answering us? We’ve been worried. The only reason we haven’t called the cops to do a wellness check is because the hospital said you’ve been going to your physicals.” Seungmin finally looks up at Chan, but he continues. “I understand you’re going through a lot man, but you can’t just ghost us like that.”

To all of his friend’s concerns, Seungmin merely responds with a question. “Why did you check with the hospital about my personal business?” The guys’ expressions fell.

Seungmin was somehow colder than he had been before. He wasn’t really himself when he left the hospital, but the guy in front of them right now was worlds apart from the friend who they may have lost.

The old Seungmin was kind, always smiling, and he couldn’t stand to see anyone down. The second he walked into the room, the energy shifted, brightening up everyone’s spirit. This Seungmin radiated soul-sucking hatred.

Changbin holds back any furthering questions, opting to ease the mood, “Hey man, we just wanted to make sure that you were alright. It’s been pretty shitty without you around.” He smiles to himself, more from awkwardness than genuine joy.

"I'm perfectly fine." He was not. "With everything that has happened, I just feel like I need to be on my own," Chan tries to interrupt him, but Seungmin continues. "I want to be on my own." Lies. "You guys are too overwhelming, I'm going through enough shit as it is. I don't want to deal with you guys as well." The last thing Seungmin needed was to be alone, but he didn't know that yet.

Chan being the person that he is wanted to talk to Seungmin, and tell him that avoidance was not going to solve his problems, but before he could say anything, Changbin put his hand on his shoulder, pulling him back.

In his head, Seungmin was right. This just proved it. If they cared, they would have said something to him, they would have broken the door down of where he hid, they would have called the cops for a wellness check to get a point across. He forgets that not everyone is like that.

Not everyone is how he used to be.

"I'll get going now." The two step aside to watch Seungmin slowly make his way to class.

His first time seeing Minho, Hyunjin, and Han went pretty much the same as it went with Changbin and Chan.

Nothing prepared him to see Felix and Jeongin in his doorstep, seconds down from forcing his door open.

After they'd been knocking for an hour, and when they started threatening to tear the door down, Seungmin finally made his way to his door.

"What do you two want?" He said as Felix was in the middle of knocking. Again.

They both looked surprised that he would even open the door in the first place. Almost expecting for the golden boy to hide away like he had been as of lately.

With just one glance, they could tell that this was their only shot.

Felix was the first person to break the silence. "Are we not your friends?" He hoped to talk him out of his reclusiveness.

"No." Seungmin responded without missing a beat.

The two were at a loss for words. They expected a lot, a breakdown, a screaming match, a heart to heart, but a denial felt out of place.

"Seungmin, I know you're going through a hard time," Felix starts but he gets interrupted before he could finish his sentence. "Do you Felix? Do you really know what I'm going through?" Seungmin challenges.

Always the most level headed, Felix defends, "No. I don't know what you're going through, which is why we are here in the first place."

"Then leave." Seungmin goes to shut his door, until Jeongin's voice cuts through the tension.

"You're my older brother." Seungmin only looks at the ground, not daring to look at the youngest in the eyes. "Please let me be with you through this." Through this. Do they not understand that there is no 'getting through this'? This was his new tragic reality.

"There is no 'we' Jeongin." He looks at the youngest. Felix and Jeongin looked hopeless. They couldn't believe that their best friend was gone.

"We need you." The fox eyed man said with anger, but it was more outrage from Seungmin's words.

Seungmin laughs sarcastically. "You needed a baseball coach, well he's kind of out of business now." Once again, he goes to shut the door, but Felix chimes in next. "We need you for more than that."

Bile threatens to flood Seungmin's senses. They need him. Had everyone been a leach in his life? He wonders why he had allowed himself to be so good to everyone without expecting anything in return.

One more reason to hate himself. He was foolish. People took advantage of him. He couldn't let that happen ever again.

"Well, I needed you guys for the team." He stares straight at Jeongin for the next few words. "I'm not in the team anymore, so I don't have any use for either of you." He didn't mean that. "So if the two of you could stop pestering my life, I'd greatly appreciate it." Please don't leave. "Please don't bother me ."

He shut the door in their face, ignoring all calls and messages going forward, which all faded to few and far between. All except for yours.

He was stable, going through the motions, doing his school work to at least graduate, but he didn't have much motivation to do much else until one day he stayed in the library past 1AM.

He'd been mindlessly studying, and memorizing everything as he always did.

That was, until he was interrupted by a random stranger.

"You have a great singing voice." The words brought Seungmin out of his book. Blinking his way to focus on the source of the sound.

Was he singing? He didn't even realize.

"It was quiet but this place is a bit empty, I could heard you from a couple of seats down."

Oh.

He clears his throat before focusing on his textbook again. "I'm sorry."

"Hey," She said to catch his attention. He finally looked up to see her, and without a shadow of a doubt, she was gorgeous. "No need to apologize. Seriously, I would have thought you were a celebrity if you weren't in a college library." She moves to sit beside Seungmin, but an uneasy feeling settles in his gut. His skin begins to tingle with anxiety. Which was also new to him.

He chooses to ignore his uneasiness for now. It could have been the 1AM deliria.

"Do you really think so?" He asks. Was she being serious? Or mocking him? He never really thought he had any talent for singing. Nowadays, he doubted everything he did.

"I think that your voice is amazing. A golden voice if you will." She said in good nature.

She seemed beautiful, kind, positive, and most of all, she reminded him of you.

The mere thought brought him back to reality. The same reality in which he scratched through his recently uncasted wrist. Blood seeped through where he managed to break through his own skin. It was almost as if it distracted him from reality, but when the pain became too much, he realized it wasn't a distraction, but an escape.

He wiped his wrist on the fabric of his sweatpants, clearing his throat before slamming his book closed.

"Excuse me. I have to go." He start throwing all of his belongings in his bag before he moves to grab his crutches.

She stands up and walks around Seungmin. "Here let me help-" "Don't." She stands back, confused, but Seungmin looks at her. Eye to eye, almost challenging, which leaves her even more confused.

"Hey I'm sorry... I just thought that-" He interrupts her again, "I don't care."

As he walks away from her, he pushes all thoughts of you to the back of his head. All you ever brought him was pain, there was no point on even pondering on the fact that he felt like his heart was being suffocated from the memory of his past.

~ TW!

He had given the rest guys a proper rejection so they wouldn't chase after him. So why couldn't he bring himself to do the same to you?

If he was being honest to himself, he could hardly stand to look at you. Everytime he hears your voice, he gets reminded of everything he'd lost. His recruitment, his team, his friends, his passion, his dignity, and his heart.

Everytime you'd approach him, he simply ignored you, and tuned you out. The more you did it, the easier it became.

He didn't want to hear your apologies, or your pleads. He wondered what you truly wanted, and assumed that you just wanted to have your lovesick puppy back. Afterall, no one truly missed him, they simply missed all he used to do for them.

He told himself that he was better off, but in reality, he’d never felt more lost.

His life was always linear. He’d been the best at everything, so he’d never had to wonder what was next. Once it was so simple. Win in the play ground, get good grades, win baseball matches, get into a good school, go pro, get a family and just allow life to run its happy course.

Now everything that he knew was gone.

He felt hopeless, not knowing what comes next, was it even worth it to keep going to school? If he isn’t playing baseball, what else is there for him to do?

The dark thoughts approach the day of his birthday. He received calls from everyone, and the only ones he answered were from his parents.

“Are you doing anything fun to celebrate tonight?”

“Yes mom.” Was all he gave her.

To his parents, Seungmin was still the same, though he couldn’t play baseball, they knew the talented young man would find something else he was good at and excel in that. They knew that he had a strong support system, and a strong will, so they weren’t worried about their son.

If only they knew what Seungmin was really going through.

Turning a year older filled him with dread. He sat alone in kitchen table, silent tears rolled down his face and he just let them. His stomach roared with hunger but he didn’t have anything in the fridge. Why eat if he doesn’t need the energy anyway? Why celebrate his birthday if he was alone? Why age if he didn’t have a future?

He saw nothing after college. Why live for a future that is not even there?

His left hand makes its way to his uninjured right arm and begins to manically scratch the inside of his arm where a cast once sat. A new habit of his, one that always leaves him with scars where his nails had dug so harshly into his own flesh.

He tells himself that he deserves it. If he was better he wouldn’t be in this situation. If he was better he wouldn’t be hurting himself. If he was better…

He goes to stand, but forgets his own immobility for a split second, leading him to land on the floor. Sobs rip through his body, was the room amplifying his cries? He hits his fists against the ground in desperation. Maybe if he begged loud enough, the world would open up and swallow him whole, freeing him from his pain.

Maybe he could free himself of his pain. The worst thoughts run through his head as he crawls towards the knife drawer. It would be for the best right? He'd be ridding the world of one more problem.

As he grips the handle of one of his sharpest knives, his vision begins to blur. He could hardly breathe and his tears make everything cloudy.

He hovers the knife over his previous scars. He can feel them, as if they itched to be reopened.

As the tip of the blade digs into his skin, his hands begin to shake, he could hardly keep the grip on the handle of the knife. He felt as if he was drowning. He tried to focus on his task but his brain had a funny way of seeing things.

How pathetic would it be for someone to find him like this? Dead in his own kitchen on the day of his birthday. How ironic. He can see the posts and headlines, "The Golden Boy and his demise." The golden boy. He would laugh at the term if he were under different circumstances.

As he pushed the knife deeper into his skin, his breathing got more erratic. Why couldn't he at least do this?

He couldn't hold the knife anymore, it felt as if his hands cramped up. He brought his hand to his neck, trying to rip his own shirt open. He felt suffocated, as if he was choking on air, it was overwhelming.

He was going to kill himself.

He couldn't believe it. He wanted to die, but he didn't have the guts. Why couldn't he just die?

The kitchen was dark, and all that could be heard were hit gut-wrenching sobs.

How could one person be in so much pain? When would it end?

It felt like a lifetime before Seungmin stopped crying. He almost felt numb, as if he cried himself out, but he could do nothing but stare at the wall across from him.

There were no thoughts running through his brain, at least until a particularly loud thunder brought him back to reality.

He looked around the room, eyes swollen, and mouth dry. He couldn't even muster up the effort to move. All he did was listen to the rain outside.

A thunderstorm, so peaceful and full of life. He envied it.

Then, another sound would cloud his senses. It was a ringtone, particularly the ringtone he set for your contact. A soft melody to contrats the harsh storm outside. He tried to ignore it at first, but then the ringtone started over again, and again, and again. He wondered if you'd ever get tired of calling.

However, in the midst of the rain and the melody, he started humming to himself. A random tune at first, but slowly he began to formulate words along with his own melody.

Maybe it was because you called him, or maybe it was because he still loved you, but all of his memories of you came back to haunt him.

He began to wonder if he'd made the right choice. If he would have done things differently, would you still be there? Would you see him in the same way that he sees himself?

Though he doesn't want to think about you, he sings a small tune, that may have had you as the muse.

"If I hadn’t let it go in the end Will we ever be happy again? It’s useless, everything is useless, even if they say it’s useless Thoughts keep growing in my head Would it have been better if I did better? Would you have laughed if I did the opposite? It’s useless, everything is useless, even though I know everything Regret keeps growing in my heart"

He lays in the same spot for the rest of the night, repeating the same lyrics in his head over and over again until he could find the will to get up and write them down.

A week later, he was back to his new usual stoic self. He threw a hoodie on and got ready for class. Yet, he didn't expect for you to be on his doorstep as he walked out of his dorm.

Whatever game you were trying to play, he wouldn't fall for it. So he simply pretended as if you weren't there, assuming you wouldn't be there by the time he came back.

He was wrong.

Day in and day out, you remained in the same place. He never acknowledged you, and you never acknowledged him.

To him, you were like a mosquito that refused to leave him alone. Yet, after two weeks, he wondered when you'd even go to class, or cheer practice, or anything else for that matter.

He didn't allow himself to ponder on it much, because the more that he allowed himself to think, the more he would feel, and the more he would feel, the more he would hurt. Seungmin was tired of hurting.

Still, he'd lay awake at night wondering if you were foolish enough to sit alone in the hall of a bunch of men's dorms. Turns out, you were stupid enough to do so. Whenever he'd feel restless, he would look through his peephole and find you slumped over in the corner of his line of vision, and he could do nothing but sigh at your stupidness.

When week three rolled around, he began to wonder if you did anything aside from keeping guard by his door. He still wouldn't acknowledge you, but he assumed there was no way you made permanent residence in the men's hall.

He took it upon himself to find out just how stupid you were. Turns out, you were not only stupid, but also idiotic. After hearing your teachers say that you'd been absent for three weeks, Seungmin wanted nothing more than to kick you where it hurt most.

He questioned why you were doing this in the first place. Why couldn't you let him rot away in peace. Why did you always have to meddle in his affairs?

Why was it that when he finally pushed you out of his thoughts, you found a way to meddle back in?

After a month of constantly ignoring your presence, things became harder. Not because Seungmin learned how to forgive and let go, but because he was afraid that you'd be dead in the morning and it'd be his fault.

Totally not because a freezing cold thunderstorm hit the city, and totally not because he was worried about your well being.

He tried to forget that you were there, but every time he'd close his eyes to sleep, he could see you shivering under a thin towel, sitting outside for no reason whatsoever.

He tossed and turned until he was wide awake. "God-fucking-dammit." He hopes that once he makes his way outside, you'd given up, too cold to stand being stupid. Boy, was he wrong.

When he opened the door, he finds you in the same position he saw you last.

"You're going to die out there." He says while looking down at your shaking form.

"Y/N, go home." You pretended as if you couldn't hear him.

Without giving it much thought, he limped out and sat beside you.

You turn to face him, "Go-go inside." Your teeth were vibrating against each other. The freezing cold rain had taken its toll on you, but Seungmin had underestimated you. You were just as, if not more, hardheaded than he was.

He couldn't comprehend how you'd been out the for so long. The rain and the cold felt as if needles were piercing his skin with every drop.

"Seungmin." You said.

"Y/N." He challenged.

The two of you exchanged looks before breaking eye contact and looking forward again.

After a couple of minutes, he breaks the silence.

"Why?" He had begun to shiver as well. He couldn't believe that you had sat out there for hours through this hell.

You let out a small laugh, which sits odd with him. Had you finally gone mad?

"So you would talk to me." With a sad smile, you look at the ground. The six words made Seungmin shiver and he wasn't sure why. Yet they make something take over him, "C'mon, come inside." He struggles to get up, and immediately, you're at your feet trying to help him, but he pushes you away. He still doesn't want your help or your pity.

He tells himself that he would do the same for anyone else, ignoring the part of his brain that screams comfort at your form.

"You can take a shower in the spare room." He says, as he grabs his crutches once again, and makes himself towards his own room to shower as well.

"All of my clothes are soaked." Of course they are.

"I'll put some pajamas on the bed for you."

You nod and scurry off, which Seungmin is thankful for. He feels vulnerable in front of you, but he doesn't know how scared you were in front of him.

You didn't fear Seungmin, but you knew you walked a tightrope in his head.

Once Seungmin finally laid in bed, he hoped that you'd be graceful enough to leave before his classes started, but much to his dismay, you still lay on his couch as he rushes out of the door to make it to his early class in time.

He did not expect you to overstay your welcome, and to find you in his dorm when he came back that afternoon was a bit startling, especially after being alone for so long.

"Go home." Is the only thing he tells you once he walks in, but you ignore him.

A day later, he sits on the opposite side of the couch, but he doesn't say anything.

He wanted you to speak first. Why did you waste a whole month by his doorstep? Why couldn't you just forget him in the same way that everyone else had?

As he sat there, running through a million scenarios in his head, he heard you sniffling, and he almost wished that he hadn't looked up.

Your body shaking with sobs. Eyes shut, as tears streamed down your face. Mouth shut open, trying to muffle your cries. Hair a mess, hands shaking, face flushed, you seemed so vulnerable.

Every fibre of his being wanted to hold you.

Every fibre of his being still hated you.

"Seungmin?" He heard you, but he was too lost in his own thoughts to acknowledge you.

"Can't you tell that I love you?"

His world halted.

"Have you really not been able to tell that I have loved you since our second year?

It was a joke. It had to be. Just another futile attempt to get him to talk to you.

"Are you really that stupid? Seungmin, I have fucking loved you since that day when I couldn't land a flip. You came up to me and told me that I was worth something. How are you so dense?"

He remembered the day. It was the day you began to see him as a person. You finally saw through his golden persona, and saw the boy trying his best in the shadows.

He still refused to let his guard down. "Don't lie to me out of pity."

"Please shut the fuck up for a second?" That caught him off guard.

"Have you thought of how much you hurt me by cutting me off? You hurt everyone Seungmin." You stood up, and looked down at his sitting form.

You couldn't see the millions of thoughts running through his head. Had he hurt anyone? He thought that it was for the better to close himself off. Were you lying? The self doubt creeped into his head as it often did.

He began picking at his scabs before your next words.

"You are so much more than baseball. You're fucking Kim Seungmin. You are the guy that has always been there for everyone that you cared about, so it seems very fucking selfish to me that you refuse to let anyone be there for you." Your tears are shocking to him. Your tears aren't dramatic, but they're desperate, almost screaming into what Seungmin tried to ignore.

"You are the guy that brightened up my life for the longest. You are the fucking reason that I am still alive right now!" Your hands begin to shake, something Seungmin recognizes all too well.

"Have you thought about the fact that no one gives a shit if you can play baseball or not?! We knew that it hurt you, but we could've helped you through it. You're so obsessed with being perfect. We don't need you to be perfect!" He analyses your every word. Though he finds it hard to believe, he didn't ever think that anyone ever saw him as anything but perfect.

He sits in silence as your voice reaches a screaming point. "You are the reason I get up every morning. You are the reason I try my hardest everyday. If you aren't there, then what the hell do I have to fight for?!" Your breathing becomes rapid, which makes Seungmin regain consciousness in what feels like forever. "You are so much more than the golden boy-" You fall to the ground, unaware that Seungmin follows right next to you. "You're Seungmin." He sees you gasping for air, and he can't think of how to help you. Every emotion and thought that he has focuses on you.

"You're my-" Your words refuse to come out. "You're my Seungmin."

That's all it takes.

All of his makeshift walls crumble down at your words.

He still doesn't feel safe, but if he would risk it all again, tragically, it would be with you.

He sees you gasping for air but he doesn't know how to help.

As you begin to sob, he brings his unsteady hand to your back. The same hand that had done so much damage to himself. Yet, he doesn't think of that now. He only thinks of you.

You visibly recoil from his touch, and he almost pulls away.

"Y/N."

You're not hearing him. Your eyes search the floor, your lungs yearn release, and your chest begs for freedom,

"Seungmin." He hardly hears you.

He knew that you needed him, and although it was a cause of resentment at first, he couldn't help but think that if he were to be destroyed again, he'd risk the chance for you. All of the feelings he pushed back came crashing down all at once. So he did what helped him with the same scenario in the past.

He began to sing.

"If I hadn't let it go in the end Will we ever be happy again? It's useless, everything is useless, even if they say it's useless Thoughts keep growing in my head"

"Would it have been better if I did better? Would you have laughed if I did the opposite? It's useless, everything is useless, even though I know everything Regret keeps growing in my heart"

"In the еnd, I'm left alone at this night Our memoriеs become stars Put it over your head It is pouring endlessly The beautiful times we had together"

He noticed that your breathing was returning to normal.

"The moments sparkle come into me It shines in my heart today, I'm going to show you I can't forget you the way you are"

Once you can form coherent sentences, you tell him, "There are so many things that make up for what you lack."

A warmth erupts in his chest, and though he's not ready to trust anyone or anything again, he feels akay for the first time in a long time.

He doesn't feel alone.

He smiles at you for the first time in forever, and for the first time in a long time, he puts his arms around you, because his heart wasn't the only one that sat bare in front of you. You finally gave him yours in return.

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