#wanting a real family. wanting to fulfill her responsibilities. the understanding of losing everything in a single moment.

[cryosewn]

@frozenambiguity asked: ¥

Looks: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 Personality: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 Attraction: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 Would they date them: yes | no | ????? Favorite thing about them: 

" Sir Kaeya is certainly a man of both great intelligence and company. I feel that we can talk throughout the evening about many things. It is rare to find a person that I would spend much time with willingly. I am usually not that prone to speaking so much with someone, but it feels quite natural to do so with him. Though, I suppose I should not always approach him with such deep topics and a more friendly conversation amongst ourselves would be just as well too. Perhaps it is best to simply say that Sir Kaeya is an interesting and charming individual with whom I regard with a level of respect and platonic fondness. " Least favorite thing about them: 

" ... Do you ever feel that you are looking into a body of water and the bottom looks much closer than it actually is ? That is my predicament with him. The water's surface looks calm but the current underneath might be more chaotic than what you can see with the naked eye. To his credit, Sir Kaeya certainly knows how to keep both his cards and secrets close to his chest that even someone like me has difficulty getting to them. It is understandable, though. A person's deepest thoughts, pains and fears can be worth concealing from everyone, and even though I am curious, even I know that there are certain boundaries that should not be crossed forcefully. "

" Still, I suppose that would make me a hypocrite to feel slighted by someone not showing me a bit of who they are underneath. In that case, however, I fear that we might not be able to become anything more than what we are now if neither of us gives a little more. "

[literaila]

I need satoru and reader to actually confront some of their issues bro😭😭😭 I feel like they would after so long and them just pushing eachother away every time they get upset hurts. Like their relationship doesn’t feel serious 💀😭😭 they don’t have to confront everything all at once but I definitely think they would start communicating better and not just keep going in a loop. I love angst and hurt comfort but I need more comfort 😩

the thing about their relationship is that it is so unserious.

i mean, both of them have grown up in places where everything was overtly serious—reader had to grow up and learn how to take care of herself, and satoru has always had to be a grown up, the strongest.

so although i agree that they never really talk out their issues, necessarily (or at least not on screen)—they also don’t need to.

there’s a strong understanding between the two of them. and something a lot of people miss (or i don’t describe very well lol) is that reader needs someone like satoru—someone who doesn’t want to be serious, or talk about everything—and satoru needs someone like reader—someone to care, someone to keep him grounded.

and when they’re avoiding each other, it’s because there’s so much that both of them need to comprehend. and understanding someone like that can be very fulfilling, but also equally exhausting.

also! i must add that i really don’t write about a lot of every day things for them—because it’s not very… helpful in guiding plot purposes. but they fight a lot less than as seen. or there’s subtle corrections:

“satoru, if you keep leaving your disgusting mugs in the sink, i’m going to plunge all six of your eyes from out of your skull.”

“that’s impossible.”

a harsh glare and satoru holds his hands up in defense. “okay. no more mugs. how about bowls?”

“satoru—“

or in a more serious case:

“please stop telling megumi that he should be on the lookout for curses at school.”

“it’s a school,” satoru points out. “and megumi is basically a beacon of cursed energy.”

“that doesn’t mean he needs to worry about it every second of the day.”

“he needs to keep his guard up. it’s good practice.”

“he doesn’t need to do anything.”

satoru smiles. “sweetheart, do you want him to be hurt at school? in front of his classmates?”

“well…”

“he’s a strong kid, and he already knows about them. you can’t just expect him to forget because you’d rather him not care.”

you pout.

satoru kisses the top of your head. “he’s just going to go down to the nurses office and call one of us, just so we know.”

“fine. but i’m not dealing with it.”

“wow, you’re a real slacker, you know?”

readers biggest flaw is that she wants to deal with everything on her own, and she thinks that the world is naturally evil. she’s good at talking her feelings out—but sometimes feelings aren’t logical. they can’t be. and living with two children is definitely helping her realize that.

satoru’s biggest flaw is that he’s spent his whole life holding everyone at arms length. infinity is a huge clue to his character, and how he relates to others (it’s my favorite detail about him, can you tell??). but he has to let it go, release his limitless technique, so he can get close to reader and the kids.

they’re taking steps, albeit baby ones, but steps nonetheless.

(plus, with their relationships in the past, the moment something’s gone wrong, people leave. so they both have abandonment issues, and yes, it’s so much easier to avoid a conversation than risk losing the person you love most in the world).

it also feels important to note that parents (most of them, at least) can’t focus so much on themselves. and it plays a big role in struggling families and relationship problems. because having kids is a devotion, a huge responsibility, there’s less time for other things.

so really, i think they’re doing pretty good. i mean, if toji hadn’t died—or hadn’t existed—their relationship would be more developed, obviously. stronger. but for their circumstance, they’re two very strong and intelligent people.

and they love each other, so what else matters?

[chichiscloset]

“THE HIGH VALUE WOMAN MINDSET...🌸”

“Becoming a high value woman starts from having a high value mindset.”

I would say that the mindset shift is the most crucial step on your femininity & high-value woman journey.  In was the case for me anyway, as I was only able to feel high value when I changed my mindset, do the inner work & and heal all my past traumas. 

Surprisingly, most women completely overlook this step and focus entirely on the exterior ( “How to dress feminine” “How do walk feminine” “How to look high-value” “what you should say to a man”, “how you should behave”, “when you should talk and when you should not”). Now yes...learning all these strategies is good. However, these tactical strategies often do not lend them the promised results that they want.

🌸The reality is that those strategies, if not combined with a real mindset shift, cannot be effective and will never work.🌸

Being a high-value woman is 90 % of how you feel about yourself (which is predicted and determined by your mindset aka your inner self) and only  10 % of how you communicate it to the world through your actions, your body language, and how you treat yourself, your appearance (aka your outer-self). 

I only speak from experience when I say this! You can have your makeup slayed. Outfits on point, However, if you do not do the required inner work, your confidence, understand the power of your subconscious, and heal from your past traumas from your mind. Or else, you will be stuck in a loop where your inner self does not match your outer self. A common manifestation of that is “imposter syndrome” & “low self-worth.” 

This is exactly why i preach to women (espcially young black women) that your mindset is EVERYTHING!

I am not perfect there are things i still need to work on as a feminine woman  in this blog post i will explain some of the tips and  strategies i’ve learned and acquired over time on how to gain the high value woman mindset...

_____________________________________________

(1) You are the primary source of happiness in your life!

High value woman sets herself as her primary source of security and happiness. She is a self-assured, confident woman and she is content with herself.She is in charge of her own happiness and does not rely on her partner to make her happy. She is happy first by herself and she strives to share her joy and happiness with the right partner. You will never see a high value woman demanding from others to make her happy and blaming them for her misery. Because she puts herself first. she is tuned with her needs and is able to fulfill them herself.

How do you develop this mindset..? 

By taking charge and responsibility for everything in your life, even for things you are not responsible for!

For example, it may not be your fault to lose your job when the economy is not doing well, but it is your responsibility to find a new one and to avoid jobs that are not too resilient in the future.

(2) You determine your own value! 🌸

If you want to become a high value woman, you need to become the only person who determines your own value. A high value woman does not allow something or someone outside of herself to set and dictate her worth…not her family, nor her friends, nor her partner or even society. A high value woman is absolutely immune to other people’s inputs when it comes to her value.

This is very important to understand.

Most of the time, these opinions depend on people’s emotional state too, their insecurities, and their ego and so are biased and unstable by nature. That is why nobody’s opinion can become the basis of a high value woman’s value. She realizes that people ( including her romantic partner), will always have different opinions about you .

If you think about it deeply, you very rarely receive unbiased opinions and advice that are meant to help you grow and improve yourself. You probably heard stories of amazing women, who looked happy and fulfilled before getting with someone, only to lose all their spark and joy and became so miserable being in a relationship. Often it is because their partner planted the seeds of low value in their minds and they were receptive to it. A high value woman will never allow this to happen. 

(3) Abundance, not scarcity mindset 🌸

A high value woman does not see the glass half empty, she always sees it half full. She believes there are enough men out there for her not to be panicking if it does not work out with one of them.

She believes in her ability to always attract good people into her life so she does not need to retain those who want to leave her life.

(4) Complementarity, Not competition mindset 🌸

A high value woman is not looking to compete with a man, but rather to complement him. When a woman tries to compete with her man, she is usually insecure and wants to prove something to herself, to him, and to the world.  Self-assured women don’t need to prove anything. 

They are in the relationship to offer something and work as a team. She separates herself and her worth from any external inputs.

In conclusion...

Being a high value woman is 90 % of how you feel about yourself (which is predicted and determined by your mindset aka your inner self) and only 10 % of how you communicate it to the world through your actions, your body language, and how you treat yourself, your apperence (aka your outer-self).

The question is are you ready to change your life for the better? Start now we only got  less than a month left in 2021.

Want to see more posts like these @miss-femme-fatale

source @miss-femme-fatale​

Chichi xo.

[thekingofwinterblog]

It’s all for his sake - Endeavor and the Sunk Cost Fallacy

My hero academia 301 is a pretty interesting chapter, but for me, the most notable piece of it was how Endeavour reacted to the realization that Touya couldnt surpass All Might.

upon realizing that his son might not be able to do it because of inborn physical limitations, he immediatly stopped his training, which frankly was the responsible and adult thing to do. 

This stint of real parenthood did not last long however.

After taking the matter to a doctor, he is flat out told that not only cant Touya achive what endeavor wants, but it is a direct result of his incredibly selfish and irresponsible attempt to play god, by trying to breed the “perfect” hero into being.

It is how you react when you lose however, that shows who you really are, and endeavor illustrates that very, very well.

Upon being told in no uncertain terms that his attempts at Breeding an heir failed magnificently, producing a child that was not capable of resisting his own immense power, but also admonished by his doctor for even attempting it, and adviced not to try again, Endeavor instead doubled down, while focusing on the child he screwed over from the start with his attempt at genetic manipulation.

It was all for him you see. Endeavor doesnt use those words, but that is how he spins it here. it was all for Touya, all for his sake. if i stop now, then Touya was all for nothing, a mistake, im doing this for my son.

if im doing this for my son, then im not responsible for any of this.

his wife however, calls him out on it, as she understands Touya much, much more than endeavor does. or rather, she sees him fully as a human being, instead of as a thing, a weapon, a failed attempt at an heir.

Unlike Endeavor, Rei is able to see the way this all is affecting her son. She is able to see, and understand that Touya has fully accepted what Endeavor wanted him to be. a stronger, and better version of himself. however, unlike Endeavor, she only cares about him as a person.

Endeavour by comparison isnt completely uncaring about Touya. like most abusive parents, he does possess love for his offspring, but it is forever tainted by the fact that however much he might care, or not care about Touya, any familial love he has for his son is tainted by the fact that to Endeavor, he is a failed experiment, a failed heir, not his child. 

He is the golden child that Endeavor was building up as his true and only heir, who he breed, trained, and molded to for that single purpose, and now that he’s reached a point where he cant continue that legacy.

so, its time to abandon him, and start over new, despite literarily having just learned how stupid this plan was, and that it can, in fact, go completely wrong, with a quirk that will fuck over the person he brings into the world.

Of course, Endeavor doesnt use those words to frame it. there is no way to pretend to be a hero, if you phrase it like that after all. Intead, this is the words he uses.

this is a very important series of panels for a great number of reasons, some that can be debated, argued, and we will probably never know the full truth to the questions because this is a series published in 2020′s shonen jump, and there are things that probably wasnt gonna fly with Hori’s editors, if it was the case.

but lets start with what can not be debated. Endeavor’s words here.

“If we want him to give it up, then we have no choice... Touya... Cant surpass him.”

These are very telling words, and however you believe The third and fourth children of the Todoroki family was concieved, there is not denying the meaning of what he’s saying here.

The only way that my son will stop being an idiot and fall into line, is if we have another baby. that is the only Right way to move forward. it is morally right, because if we dont do this, then he’s going to destroy himself.

there are two ways to interpret this scene.

The charitable way is to read it as the fact that he used Rei’s oldest son’s mental state as a justification of guilting his wife to have a third child, to give this attempt at a superpowered breeding project another shot, despite the fact that they now know that this can lead to a child who is essentially born crippled from his own powers, and despite the fact that Rei obviously understands the effect of them continuing this insanity will have on their oldest son.

the uncharitable way to look at it, is that he used this as justification for flat out raping her, and forcing a third, and then later a fourth child on her.

I personally believe the last one, given a number of factors shown in this chapter(the way this page is framed, the fact Rei obviously didnt want a third child, given she predicted exactly how touya would react, the way her eyes would latet turn when she looks at who is presumably touya which really brings to mind how she would later react to her youngest son’s face after her mental breakdown, etc.), but i’ll frankly admitt that withouth a direct quote from Hori, its impossible to know for sure one way or another. 

either way however, this is a very good example of Endeavor both being influenced by, and using Sunk Cost Fallacy to justify bringing another potentially crippled child into the world for his own, selfish goals.

sunk cost Fallacy, is a mental reaction to when you invest more time and resources into a project, that you becomes so emotionally invested into said project that you will continue to invest into it, even if it reaches a point that it becomes clear that the resources you put into it, far, far outweighs the potential gains you can achieve.

because if you give up after having invested years, and years of effort to breed, raise, and train a kid, and then all that effort was absolutely wasted. hence he choose to keep going, despite having learned what a terrible idea this is.

He doesnt care about the fact that his next child might be even more crippled than his firstborn, he doesnt care about his son’s actual wellbeing. he cares about the fact that if he doesnt continue this insanity, then not only will he not achieve his dreams, but everything he did to get to this point was for absolutely nothing.

and endeavor cannot accept that. and so long as he can justify breeding more children into the world, and there being any chance they might inherit both quirks perfectly, he doesnt care about anything else.

and the moment he realised that this kid wasnt gonna cut it either, he did it again. it is not a coincidence, that the age gap between Endeavor’s second, third, and fourth children were all 3-4 years apart. because thats the age where you can usually tell when a quirk will manifest or not, as established earlier in the series.

While she isnt brought up directly by Endeavor as a justification, it is very telling that Endeavor decided on having a third child, only after his second child was old enough that he could tell that that there was no chance she could take the place as his heir instead.

So, he had his third child, and as time passed and it became obvious that he wasn’t gonna be able to fulfill Endeavor’s goals either, he dumped him, and instead breed a fourth child into existence.

and finally, he struck gold. he did it. he produced Shoto.

everything was finally worth it, and now, everything would be absolutely fine. the cost fallacy had reached its end, and it was now all full sails ahead.

except of course it wasnt.

His oldest son, now in middle school, had been raised from birth to believe he would surpass his father, only to be thrown away, and getting to see his father try to replace him, not once, but twice.

frankly, this scene is probably my favorite in the chapter, because it goes to show Endeavor’s mindset. Natsuo made a point that their father completely ignored his older children. and he did... from Natsuo’s perspective. however, having a more thourough picture of things, we can clearly see that this wasnt the case with Touya.

Endeavor genuinly cared for Touya, enough that once he got that child he tried to breed into existence 4 times, he genuinly wanted him to just abandon trying to be a hero. he genuinly thinks of himself as a good dad here, wanting his son to abandon the mission he set out for him before he was born. of course, with context, this heartwarming scene is incredibly sad and insidious, because we understand why Endeavor got so attached to his oldest child. because he WAS the golden child. he was the child Endeavor genuinly cared about, and invested in, and trained personally with great warmth and enthusiasm.

And not only did he abandon him as a failed project the moment he realized he wasnt gonna live up to his ridiculous standards, but he literarily created 2 more kids to try and replace him, just as his oldest son was old enough to understand what exactly his dad was doing. over the course of this chapter, we get to see Touya’s start as a 5-8 year old, his deteriorating mental state over the years, until he finally seemed to reach the breaking point with Shoto’s birth sometime in his middle school years 12-15. 

Endeavor is in this scene, just not capable of understanding why Touya so desperately wants to become a hero, when obviously he isnt physically able to do so. he isnt able to understand that he is 100% to blame for the fact that his son is having a full emotional breakdown after literaly being replaced by his siblings. 

In other words, Endeavor genuinly think’s he’s a good person. a person who has made a few mistakes along the way sure, but a person who was always justified in the end, and now that he’s having to face the fact that as dabi would later say “The past never dies” and has to face the aftermath of his inane attempt to play god for the pettiest of reasons, things simply arent going to work out.

He isnt going to have a happy family, who can now put the awful early years behind them, he put way too much effort, caused too much suffering and sacrificed too many years of his life for this not to work out as he wants.

after all, if he walks away from this project now, and lets Shoto have a normal childhood, and decide for himself, with no pressure from him, wheter or not to become a hero, then the sunk cost fallacy will have reached a negative end. it will all have been for nothing.

and we know he did eventually double down on this mentality, literarily beating into Shoto that he WAS going to become a hero, and there was not but’s or no’s about it.

there was no way that Endeavor was EVER going to let things be for nothing. His treatment of his older children could not be for nothing. His treatment of his wife could not be for nothing. His treatment of Shoto, and the way he beat him black and blue to train him, could not be for nothing.

Because if it all was for nothing, if everything he feels guilty about was for absolutely nothing, then he was in fact, a bad, bad person, who had no justification for anything he ever did.

[hes-my-sweet-cheese]

I love in Encanto how Mirabel is initially more insecure and jealous of her family’s gifts than she lets on. It isn’t until she sees them have breakdowns or revelations about their identity that she realizes that the family pressure they are under due to Abuela is crushing. While they see how Abuela scorns Mirabel to an extent and don’t want that for themselves, they all envy how she isn’t pressured to use her gifts all the time. They envy her identity outside of her magic. Mirabel’s role was unclear and Abuela was too concerned with family image to guide her into a support role, or appreciate her attempts to be a support to the family in the same way her father and Félix do. Luisa expressing insecurities surrounding her worth and identity outside of her juggernaut abilities, and Isabela expressing her unhappiness with having to fulfill a perfect role to help the family shows Mirabel that everything comes with pros and cons. Isabela was sick and tired of pretty and perfect flowers being her main image, she had a creative side and wants to explore with more than just delicate flowers. As an extension to her identity being the perfect flower who needs to marry well to help the family. She isn’t as delicate or perfect as she seems. Her delight in creating a cactus and a palm tree that grows forever and other more exotic plants than flowers is reminiscient of Seattle-area plant guru Ciscoe Morris who was featured in a John Oliver sketch and it shows she has a lot of appreciation for all plants that she wants to explore. Luisa also reminds me a lot of where I work and what it is like going anywhere - she is just walking through town and people are asking her left and right to do stuff, and she just agrees. On the surface there is a placid, nice demeanor but underneath there is a lot of stress and pressure and insecurity. She emotionally breaks down when she loses her strength. Her strength and outwardly calm personality led people to assume she was always strong, including emotionally. She breaks down emotionally because nobody thought to check in with Luisa and see how she was feeling. 

And they don’t even try to portray Abuela as a complete villain! She can be kind to the gifted Madrigals and supportive in her own way, but she also drives home the point that they need to give back to the community and protect it with their gifts. Which isn’t even necessarily a bad thing to try to teach your kids! She’s basically telling them to use their privilege to help the less privileged, which IMO should be considered the civic duty of the privileged. It turns into a family neuroses about their magic. But Abuela is a refugee, and the movie makes no bones about showing the trauma that she endured before she was given the Miracle. Her reasons for trying to keep the family house and image strong are understandable. The whole community started because of the magic gifted to the Madrigals, so if the magic breaks down their magic house, there is a real risk that the other buildings and mountains created by the magic initially will be destroyed too. So she’s not even thinking about just her family, she is a big-time leader in her community which is built on her family’s magic. She fought tooth and nail to be the matriarch of a powerful family in a community she helped make better, she had nothing when the Miracle happened. She knows full well how easy it is to lose everything. She wants her children and grandchildren to never have to experience that. She is genuinely unaware of the neuroses she’s imparting in her family over their magic gifts until the house literally starts breaking. In her defense, the kids and grandkids largely try to cover up their own insecurities and neuroses about their gifts and the family responsibilities. Bruno patching up the house himself also created a lot of weakness in the foundation that went unacknowledged by everyone, symbolically showing how toxic families often try to cover up the cracks in the family image until they can’t anymore. 

She underestimates how respected her family is in the community until she loses the gift she believes is the only thing keeping the family in power. Then the community she spent 50 years helping comes together to help her rebuild her house out of something more than magic. The real show of Abuela’s character is what she does in light of the information that she is driving her family insane and treating Mirabel unfairly for no real reason. She changes, and starts to show her softer side to Mirabel, and stop putting pressure on her kids to uphold an image incongruous with their true selves. Ultimately the real villain was the toxic family environment and the magic could only be restored once they worked on having a healthier dynamic. 

11/10 would reccommend

[notyetbulletproof]

You know what would have been cool?

If Anthony told Kate that he would do anything she asked of him, yes, but truly did she want her sister to be shackled to a man who did not love her? (Reiterating what he had asked her earlier) Who saw this marriage as a role to be fulfilled. Duty to wed, done. Who would care for her and her family but never love her. Was Edwina’s momentary happiness worth a lifetime of misery for them all? Anthony may not have been ready to admit how in love with Kate he was but even he knew that proceeding with a wedding was not the best decision for any of them. All duty, no heart.

Perhaps that whole “our places” conversation could have happened before the wedding. I mean this King of Clowns literally did not realise how his actions could have led Edwina on. He was fully convinced she knew he was marrying for duty and accepted his suit. True love matches were rare, people got married for economic reasons and protection. It stood to reason he honestly thought that was her main interest especially with (yes I will be your viscountess, I will marry you) and the whole conversation with Kate about people wanting a match like he was proposing.

Anyway in this turn of events, Anthony would have taken responsibility for the fact that his actions could easily give the wrong idea and how his running from his feelings created a mess that none of them knew how to properly navigate but ultimately, Edwina wishes to marry for love and he could never give her that. He’s not in love with her and it’s best they release each other from his mistake before they hurt beyond repair.

Then they would have to go to the Queen who in her fight with Whistledown perhaps loses sight of what is important and doesn’t accept the want to call it all off. Tells them love and affection grows with time. That this is just cold feet. Wedding to proceed. Edwina makes peace with the fact that she is doing this for her family. Making this sacrifice for her family. To marry someone who does not love her but will provide for her and hers. Anthony makes peace with the fact that he is doing this to protect both their families. Giving up someone he deeply loves (even if he’s not ready to admit it) because of his own recklessness. Kate is still wrestling with the fact that she tried to protect Edwina from a choice like this and wasn’t able to and also wrestling with her very real feelings for Anthony. And that could have easily have led to a deeper look into the fact that so much of what Kate does is because she feels she has to earn love.

Then the wedding happens. Bangle drops. Edwina makes the connection and of course she’s livid but it isn’t so much cheap shots. It’s - he didn’t want to marry me because he’s in love with you. And you’re in love with him. Kate denying. Anthony denying. Or pointing out that his feelings matter not because Kate would choose Edwina’s happiness everytime. Choosing her family and that is a choice he understands and will follow her on. And Edwina being over here like, god for 2 people that feel like they know everything, you’re so fucking stupid. The fight could have been more about their dynamic. About what it became. The sisters allowed to be honest with each other for the first time in years. Fully transparent. Kate could have still said that Edwina deserved all this and Edwina asking her why she didn’t. Why does Kate think she is less deserving? Why?? Why put that on Edwina? What makes Kate less??? It still could have ended unresolved in that episode. But less cheap shotty and lopsided in apologies and amends.

See, I still stand by what I feel about the treatment of Kate and Anthony by their family. Sure, it’s all fun and cool to say “they didn’t have to! No one asked them to be a parent!”. Yeah uh huh okay. Then who? Then who? I’m not saying that both Anthony and Kate didn’t make mistakes. I’m not saying that in them trying to control everything, they didn’t mess so much up. Yep. Mmhmm. They did. However, I’m not going to pretend that their families did not benefit from them putting themselves last. Did not benefit from them pushing down every emotion known to man to be stoic and laser focused on improving the lives of their mothers and siblings. Giving in to vices here and there, craving control like it was the only thing they had going for them. Look, ultimate selflessness has a price and they both paid it because they fucking didn’t know how to balance what they wanted with what they felt they must do. Especially Kate who was so used to doing everything for Edwina’s benefit and propping her up, she didn’t stop to wonder if Edwina was just going along with it because it was all she knew for so long or if she actually wanted the things she talked about. It’s like we lose ourselves and the people we love when we stop seeing them as individuals and instead see them as a collective idea to protect.

Every watch “Rise of the guardians”? When the Santa character says something along the lines of “we are very busy bringing joy to children! We don’t have time… for children”. —- yeah! That vibe. Being so focused on protecting your families, you lose sight of how they’ve changed, of what they want, of who they are. Especially when they are just beginning to work that out for themselves.

And the “True love intangible can’t be dictated” type conversation Edwina and the Queen had could have still happened. The Queen admitting her own defeat. That she stopped listening in her quest to unmask a gossip monger. Trivial pursuits during a time of great grief for her. It was a fun distraction but she let that dictate too much and the decision now lies with Edwina.

I don’t know. There was such potential to make it less of a soap opera cheap shot drama. So much deep stuff to unpack if they handled that better. Oh well.

[linkspooky]

That’s What Makes Us Heroes and Villains

All the way back in the aftermath of the Stain Arc, Dabi and Himiko were the first new recruits introduced for the League of Villains. The three of them together, Shigaraki, Dabi, and Himiko are a trio. Effectively the three main characters of the villain side of the story. They are all three of them, traumatized children who were thrown out by society, and are now fighting back against it. They’ve been pushed out further and further until all three of them came to the same conclusion: Heroes are in the way. 

Dabi: “There are no true Heroes.” 

Shigaraki: “You heroes hurt your own families just to help complete strangers.” 

Toga: “You heroes mess everything up.” 

All three of them are children screaming the same thing at the heroes, trying to get somebody to listen only to be ignored. Shigaraki, Dabi, Himiko were all driven to become villains because of hero society. They became villains because heroes existed in the first place. 

A meta on the villain trio under the cut. 

1. Monsters

Shigaraki, Dabi, and Himiko are all introduced to us as monstrous villains who slowly become human over time. Their development is effectively then in reverse of the main heroes. The heroes we sympathize with right away because they’re introduced to us as innocent kids. We see the villains as violent monsters first before the curtain is pulled back and it’s revealed they started out as children all along. 

When the three are introduced they have no affection for one another. Shigaraki even calls them “the two types I hate most.” There’s no trust, as the first thing the three do is try to kill each other. 

We’re introduced to them at their lowest point. All three of them are in a bad place effectively. Himiko has been on the run for months, Dabi has been who knows where, and Shigaraki has had two successive failures in his attacks on both Stain and USJ. 

Their cooperation in the Camp Raid arc is begrudging at best. This goes for the whole league of villains, (Spinner and Magne end up making things harder for each other, Several members get captured) they seem to be working against each other as much as they are working together.

Shigaraki, Dabi and Himiko were all effectively traumatized by the same thing, being cast out from hero society. However, in this arc they all have vastly different desires that make working together difficult. Dabi wants to fulfill Stain’s Will, Shigaraki wants to take down All Might and Hero Society at large to show how fragile it is, Himiko wants to take down Hero Society for the sake of her easier life. 

They are not at this point motivated to work together at all and it shows in their cooperation.Dabi doesn’t really make any attempt to lead. Shigaraki just watches from the sidelines and sends out other people on a mission where he doesn’t really care much if they succeed or fail.  Himiko doesn’t try that hard to complete her mission objective because at this point all she cares about is her own survival. 

However after the defeat of All for One, the league of villains ends up all experiencing the same traumatizing loss together. They all become disenfranchised, living off of no money, and constantly having to be on the run. They lose all of their resources. However, as a reuslt their bonds with one another are strengthened and they really are working together for the first time. 

Himiko isn’t just looking out for herself anymore. Not only does she not run away when things get hard, but she encourages Twice to do the same because she empathizes with his feelings. 

Shigaraki goes from ordering people around in the shadows to not only meeting with his comrades face to face. He also has become the type of fighter who jumps straight into enemy fire on the front line for the sake of his comrades, using his own body as a distraction so he could work together with Compress and Dabi. 

And remember, Dabi’s flames physically destroy his body every time he uses them. Yet, he respects Shigaraki’s leadership enough that he goes all out for the sake of the league when he’s asked to. If Dabi didn’t care about the league at all, he probably wouldn’t be constantly burning himself alive for their sakes. 

All three humanize one another through their relationships with each other, Shigaraki values his comrades lives more than his own, Dabi cooperates with other people for the sake of his goal, Himiko’s empathic side began to show all because the three of them were for the first time surrounded by people who were just like them. 

When shown empathy and understanding, Dabi, Shigaraki and Himiko all improve as people. They are not lost causes the plot has shown us the opposite, they’re capable of growing and changing. However, they are just as capable of GETTING WORSE. 

2. Bad Children

Shigaraki, Himiko and Dabi all share the same origin. They were pushed to become villains because of what happened to them as children. They are the only three members of the league who have been shown as children, deliberately so, because the fact that this happened to them as children is what is so important to their narratives. 

Himiko was born with a weird quirk, and that was it. She didn’t even show problematic behavior that far off of most children (most children don’t have the empathy to know that say, small animals will suffer pain if you hurt them) before her parents started to punish her. Tenko just wanted to be a hero and had a father with a grudge against heros when his punishment started. When he was in the streets begging for help the only thing he was guilty of was having a quirk  that activated on accident. Touya was bred by his father for the purpose of his quirk, and because of that had to grow up in a household where his mother was constantly crying and his father either ignored him as a failed experiment, or paid attention to him which would have made his life even worse. 

It’s not just a sad backstory for all three of them, it’s a case of systemic failure. Systems that should have protected them did not. The reason we’re shown this happening to them when they were children before they did anything wrong was that the narrative most heroes have is villains choose to be evil and there’s no helping it. 

However, this happened to Dabi, Shigaraki and Himiko through no choice of their own. They were all helpless children when they survived these circumstances. The argument that “They could have tried to endure and become heroes” doesn’t work either, because all three of them did try to endure. 

They all at one time or another made an attempt to be good children. They tried to reach their parent’s expectations for them. They tried to swallow up the abuse that was hurled on them and live with other people. 

They were all children who were being abused, and told to just go on with their lives, told not to cry, told to suck it up. Instead of trying to fix or even address the circumstances of their abuse all of their pain was effectively ignored. Shigaraki, Himiko, being children DID TRY to live exactly as the adults told them to. They tried to be “Good Children” under the standards of adults, and they couldn’t be. 

That’s the reality of living in an abusive household like the one Tenko grew up in. No matter what he had done, he would have been punished. He was the problem child, the scapegoat for his father’s abuse. Rather than tell the father to stop abusing the child, the child is held responsible for the behavior and told that they were at fault for provoking punishment. 

Before you use Shoto as an example of still wanting to be a hero after enduring abuse, here’s the difference. Shoto didn’t die. Touya did. 

All three of them were cast out before they did anything wrong. Are they still responsible for the choices they made as adults? Yes. However, I think it’s important to acknowledge that all three of these characters did attempt to try making the right choices and they still got cast out anyway. It’s not because they were good or bad children. It’s because society was designed to reject people like them. 

RHA TRANSLATION: That’s how the muck gets cast out. That’s how they break and retaliate. That’s how it loops back, again, and again, and again. 

The translations are radically different this week I’m not sure which one is right, but they are vaguely talking about the same cycle. Shigaraki, Dabi, Himiko were rejected before they did anything wrong. They were forced to endure all of this as children. They gained power to survive and began to fight back. They retaliated against the violence done to them as children as adults. Then, they are punished again. 

It is a cycle where both people are acting badly. Shigaraki, Himiko, and Dabi drag innocent people into the conflict, because all they can think of to wake people up to the reality of their suffering is to make them endure the same. To show the world the violence they’ve endured on a mass scale, until it becomes impossible for those who are sheltered and protected by society, those who are saved to ignore the problems of those who aren’t saved. Shigaraki, Dabi and Himiko get innocent people involved it’s true.

HOWEVER. Were they not innocents at any point? Were they not just children who had not done anything wrong? 

And we return to the Tenko household. Shigaraki, Himiko, Dabi are all responsible for their violent reactions to the problem, that was the choice they made. However, they weren’t the ones who created the situation in the first place.

Villains are held as responsible for all of society’s ills. We are told by heroes that villains choose to become evil, and that the only way to stop them is to violently suppress their activities. However all of these villains for the most part, are outcasts who hold no real power in society, and all have yes made choices to retaliate violently but were also pushed into those choices. 

The society around them is designed to exclude people like Shigaraki, Himiko and Dabi. THE PROBLEM ELEMENT, is ignored rather than addressed. 

What Shigaraki is saying here is that heroes don’t protect the people most in need of their protection, the biggest victims. They are designed to protect a status quo. 

Heroes protect the institutions that are already in place, no matter how cracked or flawed those institutions are. they keep them in place. They are fighting to preserve a power structure that keeps heroes in power. The ones who have the power in society are the heroes. The ones who create society are the heroes. The ones who create the situation are the heroes. The villains in MHA are reacting to the problem, but they didn’t create the problem. 

3. Twice

Dabi, Shigaraki and Himiko all have an incredibly important relationship to Twice. Dabi shows up to try to save Twice, even though he states he doesn’t care about the league. Himiko opens up to Twice and empathizes with him. Shigaraki goes to save Giran because Twice asked him to, and opened up to his team for the first time because of Twice’s begging and pleas. 

The scene we see play out with Twice is what happened to Shigaraki, Himiko and Dabi as well. Twice is given an impossible choice. He can conform and sacrifice all of his friends to go with Hawks, or he can die right here. Once again, yes it is a choice. I must emphasize everything is a choice. The choice to retaliate is still a choice even if it’s influenced by the environment. However, this is a choice effectively made with a gun to Twice’s head. 

What’s interesting is, when given the choice between betraying the people closest to him or getting shot in the head. Twice chooses to take the bullet. 

As I said everything is a choice. Even an influenced choice is a choice. If someone is holding a gun to your head, you can just choose to die. You might be stuck in a situation where there are only bad choices, but it’s still a choice you make. 

I emphasize choices over and over again, because somebody chose to make the world this way. 

They exist in a system where villains are held accountable for all of their violence, their choices, and heroes are not. Heroes can effectively get away with murder as we’ve been shown with Hawks and Tokoyami. 

I’d also like to emphasize that the villains make these choices while directly facing all of the flaws of society. The heroes for the most part are completely ignorant to the suffering of villains. We are shown this ignorance again and again. The villains attempt to explain themselves, their motivations and reasonings, and every time they are literally ignored. 

Heroes and Villains both make choices, but Heroes are completely blind to their own faults. When they are told about the cracks of society by people who have lived through that, they effectively ignore the role they had to play in it. Twice tries to explain he can’t betray his friends to Hawks, that they’re all capable of being good people and he gets ignored. Shigaraki explains to Endeavor that his father told him heroes hurt their own families, he gets ignored. Endeavor’s case is especially EGREGIOUS. Endeavor who should be more aware of his own flaws than anybody else, still pretends to be the perfect faultless hero. 

Heroes and Villains are both responsible for creating this flawed world, but the villains are held responsible, and the heroes are not. Heroes are given special privilege in society, Villains are mostly made up by the underprivileged and cast out. Society, is intentionally designed to divide up people like this and categorize one over the other. 

And I think it’s especially important that every time Shigaraki tries to get someone to listen to him he gets told the same thing. Endeavor believes he is a good person fighting to protect others. He claims that he is the hero, fighting against someone who only hollowly wishes to destroy. Shigaraki tries to explain himself, he even makes a reference to familial abuse which Endeavor SHOULD RECOGNIZE and Endeavor’s response is to tell him to shut up and die. 

Shigaraki, Dabi, and Himiko are wrong for violently retaliating, but every time they make any attempt to explain themselves they’re rejected just as violently. They are told, like they were when they were just children, to just shut up and take it. Shigaraki is told by Nana, Endeavor, Gran Torino everyone around him to die rather than fight back, is it no wonder he believes the whole system rejects him? 

It is an unfair system to begin with, deliberately designed to uplift a few people into privilege and cast others out. 

Heroes act like the few people who don’t get saved are just bad luck, but it’s not. Good social programs would have saved Twice. Social services would have saved Himiko. All Might realizing Endeavor was an abusive jerk would have saved Touya. If Gran Torino had checked up on Nana’s child, Shigaraki would not have happened. 

All of these kids “just got unlucky” except the society they live in was designed to outcast certain people like them from the start. It’s meant to let people fall through the cracks. In each case it wasn’t bad luck, but rather intentional neglect of all parties involved. 

Twice is told what happened to him was bad luck, but Twice didn’t slip and fall  on a knife. He was put into the situation intentionally by Hawks. Hawks singled him out, targeted him, pushed him to the breaking point, and then killed him. The one who had power and the upper hand in that situation was Hawks from the start, but Twice is blamed for his own death for merely fighting back. 

The connection between Shigaraki, Dabi, and Himiko is that they’re pushed to become more and more radical over time. Himiko had killed a few people yeah, but she wasn’t a terrorist on a mass scale. 

Dabi had no criminal record when he started. He only started killing people to make the news  when his father became the number one hero. The more they are rejected, the more radical they become. 

All three of them have become radicalized by the death of Twice, and all three say effectively the same thing. 

Dabi: “There are no true Heroes.”

Shigaraki: “You heroes hurt your own families just to help complete strangers.”

Toga: “You heroes mess everything up.”

Why do they blame heroes? It’s because heroes are the guardians of the society that rejects them. Heroes do not protect people, they protect systems and structures first and foremost. The heroes aren’t coming to save them and they never were. 

[life-rewritten]

WE BEST LOVE  (Fighting Mr 2nd) DEYI and The Theme of Control and Power

You know that show that you know you can talk about forever and be obsessed with, although it seems pretty simple and not really that complicated to analyse and break down? Well, We Best Love (WBL) is precisely that in the most amazing way. I'm not shocked because I've always been a fan of the History Series, especially with this writer and how she creates her projects; it's not surprising that WBL happens to be the most comfortable show to lean into. It feels like entering a cheesy, cute, romantic novel. Yet, it still is the most angsty, passionate, drama-filled plot enough to make you want to run into the screen and comfort these comfort characters, scream at them when they're not making sense, and keep watching despite the pain when you feel like they've gone too far. And I kept quiet and watched season 1 of WBL. I was entranced and in love because it was so simple, but it felt perfect for me; it was a distraction, it made me smile, and it also made my heart quiver. I adored all the actors, and I also enjoyed how the storyline was told. It doesn't have to be so deep and full of clues, but there were facets to the characters, clear set rules in understanding their character roles, and small hints building in the last episode that all was not well and a lot was coming for our couple in the future. It broke my heart because season 1 was focused on the immaturity and naiveness of how we feel when we enter university for the first time; the excitement, but still innocence of hopefully finding someone to mesh with, and yet the dumbness/naivety that can distract us or slow us down before knowing who that person is. Season 1 was light, funny, and sweet because that's how our doe-eyed souls feel when we first enter college and get to discover who we are. Season 2, on the other hand, is focusing on maturity, actually dealing with our flaws, coping with the responsibilities and hardships of life, duty and obligation vs wants and need; the characters are older now, affected by the world's cruelties/situations and now have walls up higher than before. 

And in order to help us get that vibe, even more, our couple's relationship is put through the wringer, hearts torn, misunderstandings prolonged unfairly, and everyone broken just staying in a state of pining, longing and anger, anger, at what was lost to them; the innocence/fun of falling in love, the guise of being in control, and the joy of being free and dumb in love. It isn't a surprise to see our main character, Shide and Shu Yi, see their flaws fleshed out more in the open and actually increased and exposed for us, the audience, to watch and dislike. Shu Yi's short temper becomes even more exposed as he struggles to have control over his past and feelings for Shide once they reunite, and Shide's withdrawal of emotions also becomes even more strained and put on focus as he also realises what he has lost. Both of them enter this sick twisted, and tense need for control and power that their relationship becomes intense and full of passion hidden behind the anger and resentment. So I'm going to break down the idea of Control and Power with these twos relationship, a certain theme that has been there since season 1, and why now it's something both rivals are struggling to obtain to win, especially Shuyi, who is determined this time to not be Mr 2nd when it comes to Shide again. Hence the title Fighting Mr 2nd.

Misunderstandings and Miscommunications

Let's first focus on the miscommunication/ separation at hand. This exposed so much already about how these two felt about the power they hold over the other. Let's first look at what season 1 exposed; for Shide, Shuyi has always had control over him since the moment his young self told him that he would be a companion to him whenever he was lonely. Shide has desperately loved Shuyi and did everything possible to ensure he kept Shuyi's focus on him no matter what. The way he decided to do this was to put himself in a place more powerful than Shuyi; he put himself always ahead of Shuyi, ensuring he was always number one no matter what. This was how he controlled the situation; for him, as long as Shuyi noticed him, he was happy to continue hoping for a change and also making him react. In Shide's mind, he never wanted to force/ make Shuyi fall for him because he didn't think it was possible. He just wanted to be by his side (as a 'friend') until graduation was over.This shows me already some stuff about their relationship. How Shide perceives Shuyi; one, he didn't trust in Shuyi's love as being as strong as he was. He even says it to Shuyi on the bridge when they confessed to each other. For him, Shuyi was always the 'lucky' one; the one in control, the real winner because he had him in his palm of his hand. Shuyi was the one who made him whipped, the one he chased after secretly for 8 years or more. Shuyi has always been the one with the hold over him. Immediately they got together, Shide also tells Shouyi his confusion but the happiness that Shuyi is also feeling the same towards him.

Shide can't believe the switch in Shuyi's personality and actions for him; Shuyi still tried to play of Shide's grand confessions of love in the last episode, and Shide was okay as long as Shuyi kept paying attention to him. But in my head, it showed that Shide didn't think Shuyi's love was as unconditional, as strong, as uncontrollable as his. He didn't know he had any hold over Shuyi. He thought it was his constant love and chase that won Shuyi in the end, so what happens when he thinks he pushed Shuyi away? In Shide's perspective, he's the one who slacked behind and pushed Shuyi away by disappearing for 5 years, which fair enough makes sense; Shuyi has every right to be angry at being ghosted. But Shide blames himself and thinks it's because his show of love was weakened and slowed down that it caused Shuyi to retreat and walk away easily. Because he wasn't fighting anymore for their love, he lost Shuyi's attention. Again this suggests how fickle he believes Shuyi's feelings are and how still in his head he believes he's the one with the long-lasting love/feelings.

Shide's personality is someone who likes to be in control (like Shuyi but for different ways and reasons); he's kind of had to always be; ever since his dad died, he's had to try and make it his goal to become stronger and better to take care of his mum, and to ensure they live well. This is connected to the theme of Duty and Obligation in the show.  Even in Season 1, the reason he has to leave for America for a bit is to ensure his mum settles in nicely. Even after that, he's again the one responsible for ensuring whoever was sick in America was taken care of. It's because of his need to be responsible and be in control that Shuyi always feels distanced from him (mocked, misunderstood, and hurt). Shide is someone who likes to keep a calm demeanour. He likes to take things on by himself; he likes to not show when he's hurting or alone (apart from that one time as a kid where he broke down on Shuyi). In fact, it might be because Shuyi is the only one who did see him in his vulnerable state and gave him an aim to become stronger that made him cling on to his love for him and devote himself to his love for him. But in looking so in control of his emotions, Shuyi always saw Shide as someone who loved winning and making him feel like a fool. In season 1, he thought Shide did it on purpose to see him lose control and be a mess, and in season 2, he's resorted back to that thinking. Let's look at why?

No 1 for You (Shide’s pov)  vs Fighting Mr 2nd (Shuyi’s pov)

Shuyi did not also understand the proper depth of Shide's feelings. I guess we should have seen it coming that he didn't fully understand how deep they were, he had heard ideas from Shide's mother, he had heard grand declarations from Shide (after he was the one to pry it out of him), but he didn't actually trust it fully. I think because he didn't fully trust both their sexualities and identities when it came to their feelings. Like I said, we should have seen it coming when he admits he doesn't want to fall for a guy, but also it's because it's Shide he's okay with being in love. However, people complained about this because in BL, we're tired of the I love you, not boys trajectory always chosen. However, it was more than that. I think because of what's embedded in people's minds at a young age (due to society),  there might have also been, as a result of that,  hints of internalised homophobia (IH) with Shuyi. And that's why it made sense for him to wither and assume that Shide truly would be with someone else and be married and have kids. Because of IH, Shuyi may have automatically thought it made sense that Shide would move on, get married and have kids in America (hence as he said in episode 1,  he was disqualified by choice) because, in his head, he didn't understand Shide's love and devotion for him.

It also points to insecurity and fear that he might not be enough/the better option for Shide. One of his pet peeves was that he was always coming second to Shide, he was always being seen by himself as second best, and he probably also thought he had become the second-best option to Shide living a great 'fulfilled' life according to 'society' where he is married to a wife and has kids. This is why in the special episode, he also gives up easily and wishes him the best refusing to actually question why Shide would do this to him after all the stupid and grand promises he made a year ago before he left. Promises of marriage, promises of devotion, of being his family etc. Of course, this felt like Shuyi was thoroughly mocked and lowered because he had lost again to Shide by letting his heart trust him and wait for him. Now, in season 2, he's determined to not do that too. To not lose control of his heart ever again. To not fail to Shide in any way, shape or form ever again.

Shuyi; The Guise of Control

Shide is always acting on the surface like he's in control, causing Shuyi to always think he's more vulnerable and a fool, and it makes season 2 make more sense. Even if Shide says, he'll make Shuyi look at him again, how on earth is he meant to ever let that happen? He literally manipulated the situation in season 1 and got Shuyi's walls down only for him just to cheat on him, so how can Shuyi trust just his actions on the surface?

No matter how devoted Shide is looking, even at the end finally showing a hint of losing control under Shuyi's hold which Shuyi was not expecting because he thought Shide will always want to again be 'proper'.  And in the past, it was Shuyi who always pushed for skinship once they started dating; Shide always again acted like he hadn't been affected; this was discussed actually in that final episode. Even if on the surface Shide looked affected, Shuyi wouldn't trust that. Because Shide is always holding back whilst Shuyi always feels like a fool, never being able to control himself around him, never being able to control his emotions or have a poker face around him. From the first episode in season 1, Shuyi has always been uncontrollable when it came to Shide, whilst Shide always came out looking cool.

Shuyi always ended up in the most vulnerable shameful state (forgetfully hurting himself in reaction to Shide's presence, being the one distracted and bothered by skinship in the last episode whilst Shide studied, or even being exposed and screaming down a bridge, his love for Shide to make Shide come out and say how he feels). Shuyi always ended up being weakened and frustrated because Shide seemed like he had everything in order. Shuyi is now adamant he's lying or that Shuyi is still the one who's more in love with him (his biggest fear). For example, the slap he gives to Shide (exposed his lack of control of emotions around Shide) and yet Shide immediately tried to control the situation, making Shuyi again look like the irrational one and the most affected one. Also, as mentioned it Shuyi (in Shuyi's head), who proceeded to force/get Shide to confess. Because Shide was too focused on controlling his environment, avoiding the situation, holding back his feelings, whilst Shuyi's emotions always get the best of him and caused him to still lose in front of Shide. Basically letting Shide get his way all the time. And by doing that, it was Shuyi who ended up waiting for a year and then being 'cheated' on, being ghosted with his heart shattered.

The Fear of Weakness and Vulnerability

Other examples are Shide going to Shuyi's house and ignoring him in his own home (again, Shuyi can't even control his environment when it comes to Shide, everything he owns feels little because Shide seems to have a hold over him in everything), and proceeding to make him the fried rice. Even as the vice president who's meant to be in control and be in charge of letting go of people (which his father is pressuring him to do, he has no choice in the matter), Shide is the CEO (a higher position)  of the company and is adamant on convincing Shuyi to do no such thing. It's a big fear to Shuyi, which is why he's determined to ensure he does fire these people because if he doesn't, It means he's again coinciding underneath Shide's hold over him, over everything he has, including his heart.

The act of making fried rice in Shuyi's house as if nothing is going on, Shide ignoring his tantrums and outbursts does again what Shuyi hates, makes him feel stupid, weak and vulnerable. It makes him feel like he's losing again to Shide. This is why I think he really has no other option in his mind to win but to use emotions and feelings (what he can't control) as a weapon to capture Shide. By making Shide fall for him emotionally and then being the one to break his heart, that's how Shuyi thinks he'll finally be able to break down Shide's calm, façade that he's always in control, that's how he stops being Mr Second. Obviously, it's a stupid idea because Shuyi literally becomes weakened just by being in Shide's presence. To be anywhere intimate with him, he will only resort to his own emotions being, even more, harder to handle even if he tries to play it off as just attraction.

And for both of them, control is even harder physically with emotions because they've been 'starved' of each other's presence for 5 years, of each other's touch and connection. As shown in episode 1 of FMS, they're both in a state of pining, longing and waiting for one of them to give in. For 5 years, Shuyi was secretly fighting against the truth that he had been waiting for Shide to return even when he tried to focus all his energy and heart into hate and bitterness (to distract him from the pain of waiting). Shuyi never wanted to give up on hope, never wanted to let go of Shide, because it's out of his control to forget or move on. He couldn't do that even if he tried. This is why he also tries again to use a power play with a fake girlfriend that he couldn't remember the name for.  Every single sentence he said was how he compared himself to the girl he thought Shide cheated on him with. He was saying it to hurt Shide, but in the end, he was still exposing his own hurt and insecurity about why he thought Shide left him.

Shide; Control Vs Sacrifice

Meanwhile, the audience all know that, on the other hand, Shide is the one who has no control over the matter. No matter what he seems like on the surface/ in front of Shuyi, Shide is completely tired, weak and frustrated once he sees Shuyi again. It's frustrating because the only time he shows his emotions is once Shuyi isn't looking; he cries only after Shuyi has left, always holding his feelings and only letting it out when he's by himself. Although to Shuyi, it seems he's in control, being the CEO, being the one who disappeared for 5 years, being the one who is successful and influential, Shuyi couldn't be more opposite in his thoughts. Shide has no control over the CEO position; it's not a job he chose for himself, it's not what he wanted to do, he did it because of again his responsibility to his mother and family. Shide isn't the one who chose to disappear for 5 years in America; he again had no control over the situation because someone else was ill, and he had to be the one to help his family again become stable. And lastly, Shide isn't successful and as influential as he's sold his company to Shuyi's father, so he actually isn't in control of his position, of his life essentially. What Shuyi sees as control is unfortunate because it's actually Shide's sacrifice; he's had to lose what he actually wants to be in that position. All he's ever wanted is Shuyi. Ironic no?

Even in Season 1, when he seemed to be the one controlling the situation, he wasn't; he always did everything to get Shuyi, and for 8 years him being 'in control/winner' as Shuyi puts it wasn't him winning because he always didn't get Shuyi's heart before he confessed. And that's what's so heartbreaking about Shuyi's misunderstanding of Shide; when he first sees Shide in the past in his memories, he doesn't know the moment Shide fell for him; he just sees Shide winning over him, he doesn't even notice the first person who had control over the other was him, because he already took Shide's heart, trust and devotion. This is why Shide told him he was the lucky one; he was the one who was winning, who was always in control. Not Shide.

Love and It’s Hold and Power

And again, although Shide is the one he thinks he's second-best to. Shuyi has a lot of power over everyone else since he was young. He's been a spoilt, rich boy who's had control over his friends (in a positive way like they felt they had to watch him and babysit him), he's had control due to his father's power, and he's had control now over Shide just due to again his father's job and his heritage. And I think that's why he can't stand the fact that no matter what he does when he's with Shide, he loses all of that power; he's reduced to wanting to do something for someone, like in season 1, washing the dishes, being humble, exposing his feelings to Shide so loudly and vulnerably. Shide is the only person who makes him want to do all that, and he hates it. It's why when the employees in episode 1 call him again Shide's girlfriend (even though literally Shide bending down to tie his laces is an act of losing control and him being in control of him), it bothers him because it makes him look weak. He's the one flustered by the actions; his heart is shaken by the movement. What he sees about Shide vs what's genuinely being shown/exposed is so opposite, so of course, they're more prone to misunderstandings because they've always both seen the situation very differently.

So WBL has always been using this theme of Control vs Power with Shide and Shuyi. And how, because of love, both of them feel this lack of control over each other. Mostly from season 1, when Shide gets closer to Shuyi using the idea of rivalry to see who can win over each other, even though he gives in always to Shuyi on purpose. Shuyi's misunderstanding has always been an issue since episode 1, since even when Shide kissed him in the pool. This time around in season 2, we get to deal with the actual seriousness/reciprocation of what that misunderstanding and fear of lack of control can do to them. And how others can manipulate that (Shuyi's father probably). Either way, these twos relationship has become angst central because Shuyi really is fighting Mr second, he's determined this time not to lose to Shide no matter what and he's finally using like the last way he can possibly gain control over Shide. His body. The most vulnerable part of a person is exposed when they sleep with someone else; by getting Shide to even want to give in to him as he requested, he can expose everything about Shide, his weakness, his heart, his truths. Hence, it makes sense the relationship is using attraction and chemistry as a powerful tool for the storyline. Shuyi isn't going to be able to even go through with anything because he's just as vulnerable and weak with Shide as Shide is with him.

I love angst, and I love power plays and fight for control in rivals to lovers stories. I love misunderstandings and requited, but they don't know the trope. I just really enjoy WBL, and I'm so excited to see what happens next. Looks like Shide is finally going to lose that façade he has on the surface once he breaks down under the influence of alcohol; probably, poor boy has been suffering so much. And I think both of them will soon need to gain control over their situation together so they can defeat the obstacles that come in the form of Shuyi's father, society, company issues etc. So yeh, I'm loving this, and it's such a breath of fresh air. Friday is too far away, sigh.

[chickensarentcheap]

Never Gonna Be Alone- Chapter 44

Title: Aftermath

Warnings: angst, profanity, mention of a suicide attempt, talk of mental illness

Tagging:  @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @alievans007, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @miss-smutty, @tragiclyhip​

Or read on Ao3 if that’s more your jam:   https://archiveofourown.org/works/28860450/chapters/77430731​

He spends the first ten minutes fighting off a panic attack. Chest impossibly tight and feeling as if it’s on fire; heart pounding and his hands trembling and a thin sheen of sweat coating his brow and gathering along his hairline. Head swimming and stomach lurching; the burn and the taste of bile as it gathers in the back of his throat. Legs threatening to give out from underneath him; forced to sit on the kitchen floor with his eyes closed as he leans back against the cupboards. Reminding himself to just breathe; drawing in deep, ragged breaths and releasing them slowly. Easily recalling one of many grounding exercises Doctor Klein had instilled in him years ago. A quick and surprisingly successful technique that he’s employed numerous times when he’s been alone; terrified he’d finally reached his breaking point and was in the process of losing his mind. And he can hear the man’s voice now; five things you can see, four things you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste. Relief surging through him when it begins to work. The nausea abating and the room no longer spinning around him; heart rhythm slowing and the vice around his chest loosening.

The first time he’d an episode, he’d thought he was having a heart attack. Waking up from a dead sleep and finding himself filled with the most profound and overwhelming sense of terror and impending dread; the walls feeling as if they were closing around him and the pain and the tightness in his chest near crippling. He couldn’t even be sure if he’d been dreaming; if a nightmare filled with horrendous images of his wife and children being physically and sexually tortured had been what kickstarted things. It wouldn’t have been the first time. Horrific and brutal dreams involving his family tearing him out of many a night’s rest; sending him scrambling for the bathroom in order to vomit and then finding him sobbing uncontrollably in a fetal position on the floor. Taking several minutes for him to reach full consciousness; brain finally able to register his surroundings and identify them as familiar and convince him that he -and his family- were safe and sound. Suddenly aware of the touch of his wife’s hands and the sound of her voice. Finding her kneeling beside him and speaking to him in that soothing and patient way she’d long ago developed just for him; a palm moving in slow circles in the middle of his back as the fingers of her other hand repeatedly combed through his hair. Neither worry of fear clouding her eyes or furrowing her brow; displaying nothing but love and understanding and tenderness. She was no stranger to those kinds of moments; she’d seen many a fellow Marine wake up in the field in the midst of a panic attack or a night terror and had watched the methods deployed by field medics in how to properly handle them.

While he’d been comforted by the way she’d handled things before AND after, he’d also felt ashamed; sickened that she’d had to not only witness him at his most vulnerable, but be the one to render aid. Toxic masculinity, she’d said, when he’d admitted how pathetic it had made him feel; a woman half his size having to take care of HIM. Years having it drilled into him that any sign of weakness or display of emotion made him a lesser man; one that would never be respected or able to properly provide for his family, never mind protect them. She’d never laughed at the ridiculousness of it; never told him to simply get over that line of thinking or looked at him as if he WERE losing his mind. Instead listening quietly and intently; alternating between rubbing his shoulders or holding one of his hands in both of her own as he talked about all the ways his father had attempted to ‘teach’ him how a real man should be. Stern and strict. Controlling. Intimidating. Abusive. Admitting he was terrified of one day cracking and following in his own man’s footsteps; worried he’d begin treating her just as horrible as his mother had been so many years ago. And she’d leaned in to kiss him; cradling his face in her hands and using her thumbs to clear away the wayward tears that trickled down his cheeks. Pulling back and gracing him with that smile that’s always been reserved solely for him; so beautiful and pure and perfect and letting him know just how much he IS loved.

“You could NEVER be like him,” she’d assured him. “Ever. You have too good of a heart. Too big of one. And you love me way too much.”

It’s always been humbling; the blind faith she has in him, the adoration and respect she’s consistently shown. Over the years he’s battled with the belief that he doesn’t deserve any of it; this beautiful and incredible woman so full of light and brightness showing that kind of affection and love towards him. The one person solely responsible for everything that is good in his world; a stable home surrounded by the comfort and security that comes with the familiarity and routine of domestic bliss, seven incredible children that are the embodiment of everything that is amazing and beautiful about the two of them. She’d not only saved him that day on the Sultana Bridge, but in so many other ways as well; her patience and her unwavering loyalty and steadfast belief in him always helping him through every battle he’s faced

The one true constant in his life; the sleepy smile he wakes up to every morning and the warm body that presses against his and the tender touch and the soft kiss that he’s blessed with every night. His most steadfast supporter and cheerleader; spending weeks sleeping on fold out beds alongside of him in the hospital, always there in the recovery room when he comes to after a surgery, attending gruelling physiotherapy appointments and even lending a hand when she was heavily pregnant with Takota and Brooklyn. Never letting his misguided anger and frustration bring her down; always quick with a smile or a kiss to his cheek or a comforting and encouraging hand rubbing his back. No matter what, he’s always been able to rely on her being there. Enthusiastically greeting him the moment he walks through the door; whether he’s been gone a couple of days or a couple of weeks. Always happy to see him even if it’s through a FaceTime session; all the tension and the stress of the job evaporating the second she smiles and he hears her voice. Those little trips she’ll make into the gym or the office; bringing him something to drink or eat and then sitting quietly on the sidelines waiting for him to finish his workout or his job responsibilities. She’s always been there. Even during the darker and the more trying times; taking him back time and time again and forgiving the lies he’s told and overlooking the promises he’s broken.

When she leaves, he attempts to chase after her. Prepared to beg and plead with her to forget everything he’d said about wanting to die; just come back to the house where she’s safe and warm. He’ll do whatever it takes to make things right. To fix the mess that exists inside his head and become the man that she deserves; the rock and the fervent supporter and ferocious protector that she’s always believed him to be and he’s failed to live up to time and time again. He’ll tell her whatever she wants to hear; make promises that he fully intends to keep, attend more therapy if that’s what it will take, even do a stint in rehab to get all the carvings for the meds and the booze out of his system. There’s nothing he WON’T do for her; no monster or demon he won’t slay for her, no battle he won’t fight, no war he won’t suit up for. As long as she’ll just stay. Come back to their home and their children and their marriage; fulfill those vows of ‘til death to us part’. He wants to believe it isn’t about him; her need for breathing room and space. But he knows full well that he’s put too much of a burden on her; time and time again leaning on her and expecting her to give way more than she possibly has to give.

He has one foot out the door when the signs of life sounded from the floor above; giggling children and doors being tossed open and little feet racing for the bathrooms. And he has to abandon all plans on going after her; forcing himself to get his shit together for the sake of his children. There’s morning cuddles and kisses to give and mouths to feed. Tales of wild and vivid dreams to listen to and smart ass comments and jokes to laugh at. They rely on him more than she does; a grown woman that is fully capable of handling her own no matter what situation she finds herself tossed into. She’s strong and tenacious and extremely resilient; not needing him, but choosing to be with him and enjoying being provided for and loved and protected. His children fully depend on him; requiring him to put food in their bellies, having to assist the littles in getting clean up and dressed, being Tanner’s ‘person’ when it comes to needing stability and routine. And it frightens him in a way. The realization that she actually doesn’t require him; knowing full well that she’s more than capable of taking care of herself and their seven children. It further feeds into his belief that walking away would be easy for her; her strength and confidence urging to make a break for it. So self sufficient and so independent that one day she WILL decide that it’s all too much. HE’S too much. And his entire life will be forever altered.

TJ and Declan team up to keep the smallest kids busy; hunkering down with them in the living room and plying them with cartoons and their standard ‘appetizers’ of glasses of chocolate milk and poptarts. He tends to preparing breakfast; scrambling eggs and cutting and chopping various fresh fruits. Tanner stands on a chair beside him; excitedly rambling as he shares every detail about the extremely vivid and excited dream from the night before. Always the helper in the kitchen, he enthusiastically mixes three separate bowls of pancake mix because he always insists that ‘extras’ be added BEFORE starting the cooking process; bananas and chocolate chips for Brooklyn, raspberries and pineapple for Alannah and Millie. Tanner was the one he’d been most worried about; concerned that his mother’s uncharacteristic absence would frighten him and send his emotions into a tailspin. She hasn't just been Tyler’s constant, but the kids’ as well; practically raising them singlehandedly due to the job keeping away from home for weeks at a time. She’d spent six months being the only full time parent. Exhausting herself with caring not only for a home, but three preschoolers as well; Millie just shy of entering junior kindergarten and the boys still in daycare.

Mummy has always been there for ALL of the kids. Nurturing them and caring for them and spending the better part of seven years pregnant; selflessly sacrificing her body and some of her sanity in order to give him the large family he so desperately craved. Waiting until they were all old enough to be out of the house to make her dream of owning the bookstore come true; able to work around school and daycare schedules so she could spend as much as time as possible with them. And while it had been difficult at first for them to adjust to her being gone for prolonged periods of time, they’ve gotten used to it; accustomed with mum and dad going away -ALONE- for a week or two in order to give one another the attention and the time that they so rightfully deserve. They’re all strong in the belief and that faith that mummy will ALWAYS come back; never once fearing that if once she walks out the door, she’ll never walk back in. Mummy would NEVER abandon them.

It’s helped; keeping his body and his mind active. Concentrating on the simple task of making a meal and focusing on every word tumbling from Tanner’s mouth. Hearing the giggles and the conversations that drift into the kitchen from the living room. But the worry and the fear still nibble at him. It’s two fold; concerned not only that her time to think will lead her to the realization that she simply can’t deal with him and his issues any longer, and that there’s someone out there that would take advantage of her being alone. IF the neighbour is a threat, she isn’t working alone; too ‘out there’ with her curiosity surrounding him and his family to be the one in charge. It would be too obvious; her desperate attempts to get closer to him and cause issues in his marriage. Anyone with any background knowledge of him knows exactly what would hobble and weaken him; grabbing a hold of his wife and using her as a leverage. And as much as he tries not to allow his mind to go down that rabbit hole, it’s inevitable. The thoughts of what they’d do to her -mentally AND physically- enough to once again bring about the panic; chest tightening and his heart initially fluttering and then the pace quickening.

Five things you can see. Four you can touch. Three you can hear. Two you can smell. One you can taste.

He repeats it over and over again in his head. Thankful when his chest loosens and the nausea and the light headedness pass and his hands no longer tremble.

*****

Addie’s the last to join the family. Chin tucked into her chest and her hair falling over her face; a dramatic pout curving her lips and her normally brilliant and sparkling eyes dark and brimming with tears. Frederick the koala tucked tightly under her arm; not saying a word as she struggles to climb onto Tanner’s now empty chair. Impossibly tiny for five, but filled with confidence and independence and resiliency.

“What’s up with you?” Tyler inquires, and drops a kiss on the top of her head. “You look like someone kicked your puppy. Didn’t sleep well?”

“I slept fine.” That voice is tinier than usual, sad and full of despair. And she brushes her hair away from her face and presses the heel of a palm into one eye, then the other. “Where’s mummy?”

“She had to go out for a little bit.”

“Where? Where did she have to go?”

“To do stuff.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“Mummy stuff. Things mummies do.”

“Did she go to the store? Is that where she went?”

“I don’t know, Peanut. She just had to go out.”

She heaves a heavy, forlorn sigh. “When will she be back?”

“Soon.”

“How soon?”

He consults the digital clock on the stove. “Thirty minutes.”

“That’s a LONG time,” Addie whines. “ Why didn’t she tell me she was leaving?”

“You were asleep. She didn’t want to wake you up.”

“Mummy never leaves without saying bye to us. And she never leaves in the morning. She’s always here when we get up. Why would she go somewhere? She never does that. That’s not a normal mummy thing to do.”

“Well, sometimes things come up,” he attempts to reason. “That we can’t help. Don’t take it personal, okay? That she didn’t say bye to you. She probably thought you wouldn’t be up until later; when she was already home.”

“Can I call her?”

He nods in the direction of the phone charging on the nearby counter. “You could, but she didn’t take her phone.”

“Now I’m really worried,” Addie promptly bursts into tears. “Mummy never forgets her phone!”

“Ads, it’s okay,” TJ assures her as he joins them in the kitchen. Scooping his little sister off the chair and into a tight, comforting embrace, her tiny arms and legs immediately circling his neck and waist. And he presses a kiss to her forehead and strokes her hair; body proceeding to sway side to side in an attempt to soothe her. “Mum’s forgotten her phone lots of times. She was always leaving it behind when I was your age.”

Addie sniffles noisily. “She was?”

“Yup. You know how many times she had to run back into the house? Or we had to drive all the way back to get it? Tons! You just weren’t around then. By the time you came around, she’d gotten better at remembering it, that’s all.”

“She’s coming back, right?”

“Of course she’s coming back. She wouldn’t leave us. Or dad. Why would she do that?”

Addie shrugs.

“She loves all of us. Way too much to ever leave us behind. She probably just had to go and help Ovi and Riya. It gets crazy; planning a wedding. Tons of stuff to do. They probably just needed some help.”

“You think that’s it?”

“I’m pretty sure that’s it. I mean, they wouldn’t ask dad. He wouldn’t be much help.”

Tyler grabs one of the dish towels from off the handle of the stove and playfully swats his older son upside the back of the head with it. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Mum would be better at that kind of thing. Weddings and parties and all that. That’s not exactly your field of experience, dad. You’re more the get the spiders and the snakes out of the house and fix and build stuff kind of guy. And a big time ass kicker.”

“Daddy DOES kick a lot of ass,” Addie agrees.

“Plus, he’s a WAY better cook,” TJ adds. “So isn’t it kind of good that he’s the one that’s here? That he’s the one who gets to make breakfast?”

She nods. “Daddy makes the best breakfasts EVER.”

“Exactly. Mum and dad know their strengths. People who work well together do. And they’ve been together a long time; ever since Millie was in mum’s tummy. That’s a long time to be in love with each other. If dad says mum will be back, then she will. He knows her better than anyone.”

A lump of emotion settles in Tyler’s throat and threatens to choke him. It’s a mixture of things that have him feeling weak and vulnerable. The level of tenderness and compassion that inhabits his oldest son; the patience and the understanding and the unbridled love he shows to the smallest of his siblings. Addie has especially taken to him; TJ her ‘person’ if daddy isn’t around to turn to for help or comfort. He’s both humbled by his son’s genuine praise and blatant adoration, but left feeling unworthy of it; knowing full well he’s broken many promises and disappointed his children in the past and often failed in his role as not just a parent, but a husband. And the fear continues to nag at him; the worry that either his wife will return and announce she simply can’t take it -HIM- anymore, or that a threat is just waiting in the wings to grab her.

“I wish she didn’t have to go,” Addie says, as her older brother’s fingers brush away her tears. “Mummy always spends time in the morning with me. When I first get up. Ever since I was tiny.”

“Ads,” TJ pushes his fingers through her hair; moving it off her forehead and making her giggle when he scrunches his face and brushes the end of his against hers. “You’re STILL tiny.”

“I meant tiny, tiny. When I was still in diapers. Mummy would get up with me and she’d make herself a tea and she’d get me a drink in my sippy and then she’d cuddle me on the couch and we’d watch tv together. It’s our ‘thing’. I don’t want to miss our ‘thing’.”

“I’m sure mum didn’t want to miss your ‘thing’ either,” her brother assures her. “It had to be really important for her to miss it. Mum would never just skip out on your ‘thing’ for no reason. Does mum EVER do that? Take off and not do something important with us?”

Addie shakes her head. “Never.”

“So it had to be something really big and really important for her not to be here. Don’t worry; mum will be back. Soon.”

“How soon?”

“I dunno. Probably in time for breakfast. She has to eat, right? If it would make you feel any better, I’ll do your ‘thing’ with you.”

“It’s mummy and my thing, though.”

“I’m sure mum would be cool with me taking her place just once. It’s just for today; tomorrow she’ll do your ‘thing’ with you again. You really think she’d mind?”

“I don’t think so. But just this once.”

“Just this once,” TJ promises. “I’ll even drink tea. So it’s like being with mum.”

You HATE tea. Like daddy.”

“Yeah, I do. I think it tastes like ass. But I’ll drink it anyway. If it makes the experience better for you.”

“You’d do that? For me?”

“Of course I would. You’re my Ads. It’s what older brothers do for their baby sisters. Especially one as cute and awesome as you.”

Addie’s eyes widen. “You think I’m cute? And awesome?”

“Your mum’s Mini Me, right? And mum’s cute and awesome. That means you are too.”

“I love you Tyler.” She presses a noisy kiss to each of his cheeks, then his lips. “You’re the best big brother. Ever.”

“Well, don’t tell any of the others…” he lowers his voice to a whisper. “...but you’re my favourite little sibling.”

“I knew it!” Addie whispers in return.

“I’ll make my tea and get your chocolate milk,” he says, and places her on the ground. “You go wait in the living room. Tell Declan I said to put what YOU want to watch on.”

“Okay!” She hurries from the room, then stops at the breakfast bar that serves as the divider between kitchen and dining room. “Don’t forget! It goes in my favourite cup!”

“I know. The purple one with your name on it in pink glitter. This isn’t my first rodeo, Ads. I got you.”

“You’re awesome, too!” she declares, and then hurries for the living room.

“You’re good with her,” Tyler praises his oldest son. “VERY good with her.”

“She really IS my favourite,” he admits. “I mean, don’t get me wrong; I love ALL of them. Even Millie. Don’t tell her I said that.”

“Your secret is safe with me.”

“But there’s something different about Addie. The way I feel about her. Like, I feel like I HAVE to take care of her. Protect her. Maybe because she’s so small? And so cute? Maybe because she IS so much like mum? I don’t know. I just know how I feel. Does that make sense?”

“Total. And let’s face it; mum’s your favourite too.”

“Well, yeah. She’s my mum. She carried me inside of her. At the same time as Tanny. I love you, dad. You know I do. But that’s my mum.”

“You know, you’ve got more of her inside you than anyone realizes. And believe me, that’s a good thing. A damn good thing.”

“She’s my ‘person’. Like you are with Tanny. We all have our ‘person’. Mum is your person, right?”

“She is. Always has been.”

“Just like you’re hers. That’s what's good about you and mum. You’re not just married. You actually LIKE each other. You’re friends. BEST friends.”

“She’s definitely my favourite human. My favourite BIG human.”

“Dad…” TJ’s voice and face become sombre, and he lays a hand on Tyler’s shoulder. “I don’t know what happened or what’s really going on. Or why mum really did leave. But I know she loves you. No matter what.”

The lump in his throat returns; tears well in his eyes.

“She’d never take off,” his son assures him. “There’s too much between you guys. I’m only ten and even I know that. And you what ELSE I know? I know that you guys are stronger together than you are apart.”

“Yeah…” Tyler swallows noisily. “...we are.”

“It’s going to be okay,” TJ promises. “YOU’LL be okay. You always are.”

****

She finds a cafe four blocks from home. A tiny hole in the wall place that she’s only stepped foot in once before; heavily scuffed and creaky hardwood floors, a half dozen mismatched tables with formica tops and metal chairs with weathered, red vinyl cushions, their full menu printed on chalkboards mounted on the wall behind the lone register. And she returns the waitress’ welcoming smile with a forced one of her own before making her way to the counter that stretches across the front window; sliding onto one of the bar stools and placing her knapsack style purse in her lap. While she’d been hopeful that the fresh air and warmer temperatures would help both clear her head and improve her mood, her nerves remain on edge; her shoulders painfully tense and the lingering uneasiness in her stomach no match for the deep and profound ache that has settled in her chest. It’s a hard thing to hear; the person you love more than anything in the world...who you’ve devoted your entire existence too...confess to thoughts of suicide. They’ve been there before; his brain attempting to convince him that her life would be better off without him in it. That he’d no longer be a burden on her. A broken and troubled man locked in a constant battle with his own mind; waging war against not only mental illness, but the demons of addiction and alcoholism.

Years ago he’d hit rock bottom. Weeks spent contemplating taking his own life; ending with a hand written suicide note on her pillow and a loaded gun in his hand. She’d returned to the house unexpectedly; forgetting her wallet in the bedroom and having to delay the start of a shoe shopping trip with the kids in order to retrieve it. There’d only been four of them then; Millie and the twin boys in daycare and Declan just shy of six months old, and she’d left them in the car with Ovi while she’d run inside. The house had been eerily still and quiet, yet she hadn’t given it much thought; assuming Tyler was either in the gym with his headphones on and music cranked or out working somewhere on the property. Her blood had run cold when she’d heard it; the faint, yet telltale sound of a magazine being snapped into a handgun and the safety being switched off. And she’d found him sitting on the edge of the tub in the bathroom, revolver resting on his thigh and his finger hovering near the trigger. To this day she’d never seen him look the way he had in the moment he’d regarded her standing in the doorway; face stern and determined and his eyes impossibly dark and empty.

“You need to leave.”

Four simple words. His voice devoid of all emotion.

She had refused to turn around and walk away. It hadn’t even been an option; no matter how nervous or terrified she’d been. She had known that he wouldn’t pull the trigger with her in the room; even at that depth of darkness and despair, he wouldn’t want her to see THAT. Knowing it would haunt her for the rest of her life; her entire world altered and forever haunted by blood and gore and instant death. And he wouldn’t have taken them both out; brain still allowing him to realize that he couldn’t rob his children of BOTH their parents. Instead of leaving, she’d sent Ovi a text message saying to grab the extra keys to her car from their hidden place in the kitchen and take the kids into town; ordering him to keep them out until she called him and let him know it was okay to return. Then she’d simply closed and locked the bathroom door and sat down on the front and leaned back against it. She wasn’t leaving him like that; determined not to let his mind convince him that he needed a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Even to this day, she’s unsure of how long they’d sat there. Time slowly ticking away as they did nothing more than stare at one another from across the room. Tyler becoming agitated by her presence; upset that she’d interrupted him and was hampering from ‘getting on with it’. It had quickly turned to anger. Pissed off that she wouldn’t leave and that she wouldn’t listen to him when he said it was for the best; that his absence would make her and the kids’ lives so much easier. And she’d sat there silently as he ranted and raved at her; emotionless as he called her every hurtful name in the book in hopes of finally breaking her and giving her no choice but to abandon him. She hadn’t taken any of it to heart; knowing he was in the middle of what could possibly be a psychotic break and that getting all the pent up rage and fear and stress off his shoulders was the best thing for him. And when he turned the mean and degrading words towards himself, she’d slowly began moving towards him. Anything too sudden and too quick could have been bad news; aggravating him and angering him and sending him into a full out rage. Eventually she’d ended up sitting at his feet with her palms on his knees; eyes locked on his and her voice calm and steady when she informed him that she wasn’t going anywhere. He wasn’t the monster his brain was making him out to be. He was a big man with an even bigger heart, surrounded by people who loved him and wanted nothing more than for him to be alive and well. Reminding him to just breathe; to ignore that voice in his head and just listen to hers instead.

When he’d finally broken down emotionally, she’d been able to gingerly pluck the gun from his hand and remove the clip; tossing both where he couldn’t reach them and then kneeling between his splayed thighs. His face cradled in her palms as he openly wept; her heart breaking as she listened to all the hateful words -directed at himself- that spilled from his mouth. Pressing a series of light kisses across his forehead and down the bridge of his nose and over his lips; fingers combing through his hair as he begged and pleaded with her to help him. He was lost, confused, and terrified; wanting to die yet not wanting to leave her and his kids. In the end, he’d agreed to let her take him to the hospital, and she’d made quite possibly the hardest decision of her life: admitting him to the psychiatric ward and agreeing to have no contact -whether in person or by phone- for two weeks. It would give him the time to rest; body AND brain desperately needing a reprieve. And doctors would get the chance to analyze and investigate; come up with a diagnosis and a game plan and get him the help that he needed.

She hasn’t thought of it in years. That moment in Colorado when she’d come so close to losing him. It hasn’t been that bad since; able to get past the monsters and the demons that continue to haunt him, fighting through depressive episodes and always coming out the other side. And while she’d suspected that his brain has been playing horrible tricks on him and trying desperately to alter his version of himself, it had still hurt like hell to hear it; his confession knocking the air out of her lungs and nearly ripping her heart from her chest. She’s always been able to help him; yanking him away from many an edge, instilling confidence in him after Nathan had cruelly snatched it away, successfully convincing him that he needed medication or therapy. Now she feels helpless; no tricks or plans up her sleeve and simply no energy left to come up with any. It’s a lonely existence at time. A spouse with significant mental health problems and lingering physical issues caused by a list of traumas too vast to name.

For five years they’ve successfully fought back and kept the worst at bay. Learning and adapting healthy coping mechanisms, attending counselling -both separately and together- and making friendships with others in similar situations. This is the worst she’s seen him in a long time, and she knows how difficult it is for him to even get out of bed in the morning; fully aware that he’s at the point of putting one foot in front of the other simply because his family needs him to. She wants to believe that things will start to improve once they’re home. He’ll be back in his ‘happy place’; the warmth of the sun and the feel of the sand between his toes and the smell of the ocean. It’s comforting to him; their home at the end of a very secluded gravel road, the acres of property, and the water right in their backyard. The surroundings ground him. The sound of both the waves and the various wildlife that wanders their property, the wind that blows through the dense forest and tousles the leaves on the trees. He’s easily soothed there; usually needing nothing more than a hike through the woods or a surfboard and a couple hours with the waves to bring an end to even the roughest of ‘down moments’. But the fear is immense. The worry that not even being back in Australia will be enough this time. That he’s spiralling too hard and too fast and not even the water and the sun can make even the slightest bit of difference.

Tears threaten once more. Ones of heartache and fear and desperation. Wanting to reach out to someone...anyone...yet needing space at the same time. She’d avoid her familiar haunts out of fear of running into someone she knows. Wanting to avoid Jacobi with his endless and hopeful flirting and Frank with his dry humour and his well meaning concern and curiosity. Even Desi; the brother she would have loved to have growing up and who she absolutely adores. So compassionate and understanding; always lending a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on. Coming in contact with him would have only made things worse; fearing she’d not only lose it emotionally, but find herself unable to put the pieces back together and be of use to her family. Instead she’d stayed away; wandering in the opposite and unfamiliar direction and hoping and praying her mind would sort itself out before coming in contact with humanity.

It hadn’t worked. And now emotion threatens to choke her and tears prick her eyes; thankful for the oversized shades she’d slipped onto her face before leaving the house.

*****

“You okay, hun?” The waitress cautiously approaches; a glass of ice water in hand and concern on her face. Easily recognizing the tense shoulders and the repetitive, nervous bounce to her legs.

“I’m alright." Her voice quivers with emotion, and she noisily clears her throat. “Just a rough morning.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time I heard that. A lot of people come in here when they’re feeling down. We're nice quiet, little place to escape to, I guess.”

Nodding in agreement, she reaches for the water offered to her; chewing anxiously on her bottom lip and quickly pulling her hands back when she notices how bad they’re trembling.

The waitress gives a compassionate, understanding smile and sets the drink down on the counter in front of her. “Do you know what you want, love? There’s no hurry and I’m by no means rushing you. You can take as long you need to decide or sit here all day if you want. Or until we close at three, at least.”

She casts a glance over her shoulder; hurriedly choosing a strawberry and apple flavoured and a plain croissant and then turning her attention to the bag in her lap. The kids had given it to her for her last birthday; picking it out themselves on a family trip they’d made weeks earlier to Cairns. Black leather with rose gold stitching around every edge and throughout the straps; a large rose gold heart -engraved with all of their initials- dangling from the zipper on the side pocket. She rummages through it, top teeth pressing into her bottom lip and her brow furrowing as her search comes up empty. Cell phone nowhere to be found amidst the chaos of old receipts, handfuls of take out napkins from places in New York City and back home, various small toys and trinkets the three littlest had gotten her to ‘hang onto’ and promptly forgotten about. Panic and frustration quickly sets in and has her dumping all of the purse’s contents onto the counter in front of her; trying desperately to hold back not only a flood of tears, but the string of profanities that threaten to burst from her mouth.

She knows the kind of drama it will cause at home. Not just her uncharacteristic early morning absence, but being totally ‘incommunicado’. Tanner and Addie will take it the hardest; the former not appreciative of even the smallest of changes or hitches to his normal routine and the latter used to their long standing ‘morning dates’ of tea and chocolate milk while cuddling on the couch and watching cartoons. And Tyler’s anxiety will be through the roof. Needing the reassurance that she’s fine; safe and sound and not in any danger and not harbouring any plans to abandon her family. The latter is pure paranoia; the long standing belief that she’ll one day see him as a burden and finally decide to cut ties. Logically he knows that she’d never walk away from him or their children; devoted to to their babies and loving him more than she ever thought she could love someone. But when his brain is waging war against him, he isn’t able to think rationally. Those internal voices screaming at him. Insisting that he’s simply too much work and completely undeserving of how she feels about him and the life they have together. And it’s him that she worries about the most; wanting to prevent his mental state from sinking even further and fracturing completely.

“Looks like you really are having a hell of a day,” the waitress comments as she returns with Esme’s order; placing the steaming mug of tea and the croissant on the countertop.

“I forgot my phone,” she frets. “Some days I swear I would lose my head if it wasn’t attached. And I need to call home. I REALLY need to call home.”

“I’ve got you, sweets.” The younger woman shoots her a wink and pats her shoulder comfortingly and then wanders off, quickly returning with a cordless phone and offering it with a sympathetic smile. “Someone there must be worried about you, huh?”

“A handful of someones. A husband. Seven kids.”

The other woman releases a long, low whistle. “YOU have seven kids? You’re not yanking my chain?”

“I’m not. I really do have seven of them.”

“All yours?”

Esme nods.

“Seven kids came from that tiny little body?”

“Yup,” she confirms. “Including two sets of twins.”

“Get out of here!”

“My second pregnancy was twins and my last one was twins. First time was two boys, then I had a girl and a boy.”

“I didn’t think that was possible. Having more than one set. How old are all these kids?”

“Almost twelve, ten and a half, eight, soon to be six, and four and a bit.” She finds talking about them calming; hands no longer trembling as she shoves objects back into her purse.

“That’s seven kids under twelve. And seeing as your littlest are four, you spent the better part of seven years pregnant. Intentionally?”

“A couple WERE surprises,” Esme admits. “Happy surprises. Very happy.”

“And all the same daddy?”

“All the same daddy. I know; it seems pretty far out there. Having that many. Especially in this day and age.”

“Not just THAT. But having that many and looking like you do? You must have found some fountain of youth or somethin’. I only have three and I feel like I’ve been through the damn ringer most days. You’re a lot stronger than I am, that’s for sure. And you must have the patience of a saint.”

“Oh trust me, I don’t. I have an extraordinary LACK of patience. My husband on the other hand? He’s a legend. He’s always Mister Calm, Cool, and Collected. Nothing much fazes him when it comes to being a dad.”

“Well what’s that saying? Opposites attract? You probably balance each other out.”

“We do. Somehow. He can be so serious and so quiet and introverted and I’m on the other end of the spectrum. He always jokes that he likes going places with me because all he has to do is stand there and smile and let me do all the talking.”

“Been married long?”

“Twelve years in October. Best twelve years of my life. Hands down. He’s a good guy." She smiles, and proceeds to repeatedly dunk the tea bag in and out of the steaming water. “A REALLY good guy.”

“Then you better give that really good guy of yours a call. Let him know you’re alright. Take your time. And enjoy your goodies.”

She gives a smile in appreciation. Waiting for the waitress to tend to other customers before dialling the house number; ten rings passing by before the call is sent to voicemail and she disconnects. She tries his cell next; frowning when that attempt also gets sent to messaging.

“Hey…” she begins, nervously drumming the nails on her free hand against the porcelain of her mug. “...you not answering your phone can only mean one of three things; you’re busy with the kids, you still refuse to answer numbers you don’t recognize, or you’re really pissed off and ignoring me. I hope it’s not the latter. I didn’t leave to punish you. Or make you feel bad. Or guilty. I just needed some time. Some fresh air. A chance to clear my head. It just really got to me; you admitting what you did. But we’ll deal with it and we’ll get past it just like we’ve gotten past so many other things. I love you, Tyler. No matter what your brain is telling you right now. And I’m safe and I’ll be home soon.”

Disconnecting the call, she sets the phone down on the countertop and slips her hands under her sunglasses; thumb and forefinger tightly pinching the bridge of her nose. Sighing heavily, she presses the heels of her palms into her eyes. Desperate to control the hot, bitter tears that threaten to fall.

*****

She’s halfway through her second mug of tea when movement outside the window catches her attention; a blur of a fur trimmed hood on a winter coat, long blonde hair that shimmers in the sunlight, and the glint off the gold chain strap of a ridiculously expensive Gucci bag. Next year’s style; released to only a select few that could afford to pay the exuberant price and enjoyed outwardly gaudy accessories. Natalie had been so proud of that purse; making a conscious and annoying effort to draw as much attention to it as possible when she stopped by that morning. Launching into an unneeded and entirely unwanted explanation of being on the ‘short list’ at many high end boutiques courtesy of friends in high places. So obnoxious. That 'holier than thou' persona and her valiant -and completely unsuccessful- attempts to cause problems in someone else’s relationship. Delusional and determined and so very out of line.

The waitress greets the other woman by name when she first steps into the cafe, and when Natalie turns to head towards a seat the inevitable happens; eyes locking with Esme’s and her face blanching and her smile quickly disappearing.

The anger is immediate. The surprise visits and the other woman’s attempts to degrade and humiliate her while standing on her front porch, the spying out the living room window and then following her and Tyler on their date, the supposedly coincidental moments Natalie had managed to bump into him; whether alone or with the kids. They’d long ago stopped keeping secrets from another and he’d been quick to tell her about all the run ins with their new neighbour. Neither believed the incidents were random; Natalie not exactly hiding her interest in him, nor her attempts at causing problems between them. And now knowing personal information that neither of them are ever forthcoming about; placing the blame on an undeserving TJ when confronted.

It’s the latter that infuriates her the most. One of her children being dragged into some thirsty and pathetic woman’s drama. And when Natalie quickly turns on her heel and rushes out the door, Esme abandons her belongings and hurries after her, managing to catch up when the neighbour has to stop and wait to cross the street.

“I don’t fucking think so,” she snarls, and steps in front of other woman, preventing her from stepping off the curb. “You’re not going to run away. Not from me. You have pissed in the wrong woman’s front yard way too many times.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t…”

“You know damn well what I’m talking about. Is this some sick little game of yours? Following Tyler and I around? Trying to act all surprised and pass it off as a coincidence when we run into you?”

“It IS a coincidence. All of it is. Just because you’re paranoid…”

“I’m not some stupid and naive little housewife, Natalie. I have been around sneakier and way craftier and sketchier people than you and believe me, I was never shy about calling any of them out on their bullshit. There’s no way they’re all coincidences. The night Tyler and I went on our date? We saw you watching us out your living room window. You didn’t exactly try and hide it. And then you just randomly show up at the same restaurant? Who was the guy? Just some stranger off the street? Did you really think we’d care? That you’re with someone? I don’t give a shit who or what you do. And I know damn well Tyler doesn’t either.”

“He’s certainly been pretty attentive. To me. For a guy that doesn’t care.”

Esme scoffs. “When he said you were delusional, I don’t think he realized just how far off the reservation you actually are.”

“He said that? He called me delusional? Why would he say that? Why…?”

“Because you ARE! You are off the charts delusional! And maybe you’re more than that. Maybe you’re legit insane. Because you are something else. You are conceited and annoying and plain fucking crazy. Who the hell do you think you are? Showing up at my house and talking to me like you do. Following my husband around. Do you actually wait for him to leave? Do you stand at your window and watch him go? Do you just wait around to see him and jump at the opportunity to chase after him? Because that’s not all creepy or stalkerish. What the hell is your issue?”

“We had a connection. At the park. At the restaurant that day. Yesterday at the American Girl store…”

“Oh my god,” Esme laughs. ”You ARE nuts. Certifiably. There was no connection. At least not on his end. He thinks you’re just as insane and unhinged as I do. Tyler is NOT interested in you. In anyone. I don’t know what planet you’re living on where you think you can just walk into someone else’s life and try and steal their husband away, but…”

“You can’t steal what wants to be taken.”

“I can guarantee that he doesn’t want to go anywhere. That my husband is happy. Satisfied. Extremely. And he’s not going to throw that or his relationship with his children away for someone like you. He doesn’t want anything to do with you. He has made that perfectly clear time and time again. He has told you to stay away from him. More than once. I don’t know what part of ‘fuck off’ you don’t understand…”

“He’s just putting on a good front. For you. Because he DOES love you. He’s just not IN LOVE with you. Not anymore. And it happens. It’s been over ten years. People fall out of love all the time. I mean, he obviously loves you as the mother of his children. You’ll always have that to bond you together.”

“There is something majorly wrong with you. You need help. PROFESSIONAL help. My husband DOES love me. In every way you can possibly love a person. I have never doubted that. Not a single moment in the past twelve and a half years. We have a good thing. A damn good thing. And we are not letting you screw that up. You’re obnoxious and you’re insane and I want you to stay away from him. Stay away from Tyler. He’s told you and now I’ve told you. And if I have to tell you again…”

Natalie smirks. “What would YOU do about it?”

“Why don’t you try me and find out? I have dealt with bigger and better and badder than you. And I’m still here. I am telling you right now; stay away from my husband and stay away from my kids. Don’t walk past our house. Go totally out of your way if you have to. But if I find out that you even go past a place where he is…”

“And you call me nuts? Listen to you. Willing to fight for some man.”

“He’s not just some man. He is my husband. The father of my children. And I will fight to the death for him. I will protect him no matter what. Against anything and anyone. Stay away from him, Natalie. He’s not yours to have. He’s not going anywhere. So go and find some cuckold house wife that will let you tie her to chair and force her to watch while you fuck her husband. You’ve got the wrong woman to mess with. I’m not afraid of you. I’m not afraid of ANYONE. Stay away from him.”

“Look at you. You say I’m pathetic? Look how you’re acting. Listen to things you’re saying. You’re possessive and controlling and…”

“Maybe if you had a husband that loved you and you loved in return, you’d understand why I’m being this way. But it sounds like you can’t keep ‘em. What happened to the District Attorney? In Chicago?”

Natalie blinks. “What?”

“Did you forget that the internet exists? That once something is on there, it lives forever? Couldn’t keep him happy, couldn’t keep a string of extremely wealthy -AND very much older- men happy before him. And then there’s the ex husband. Doesn’t he own a sports team? Hockey, right? In Columbus?”

“How do…?”

“What? You think you’re the only one that has ‘people?’” Esme makes air quotes around the last word. “You have no idea the circles I’ve travelled in. Or the people I’m still in contact with. Or the friends I have. I have ways of finding things out. Ways you’ve probably never dreamed of. I don’t know what you’re up to, but you’re not very good at it. You’ve made it more than obvious that you’re interested in Tyler; physically, sexually, personally. You haven’t even tried to hide it. So you’re either really new at all this, or just really, REALLY bad at it.”

“I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re not making any sense. Now if you’ll just…” Natalie attempts to step past her, but Esme stays firm; placing herself in the much taller women’s path and blocking her escape.

“You didn’t think I’d look into you? Or have someone look into you? We can dig deeper, you know. Much, much, MUCH deeper. And I don’t think you want that. So how about you cut the shit and stop your crap and stay away from my husband. From my FAMILY. Because you have no idea who you are messing with. What kind of damage we can do. So if you value your life the way it is, you’d keep your distance. Because if you don’t? We will turn over every stone and ruin you.”

“Is that a threat?”

“That’s a promise. Like I said; we’ve dealt with bigger and better. Scarier. And dangerous. You’re nothing. You’re a small, harmless fish in a big pond. And it would be easy to ruin you. Is that really a chance you want to take?”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about. Or who you’re talking about. I admit; I AM interested in Tyler. Very interested. And I’m not lying to you when I say there was a connection. One that he’s too afraid to act on.”

“You’re still on that, huh? Still insisting there's something there? There isn’t. And you damn well know it. Tyler would never, EVER, form a connection with anyone else. Especially with the likes of you. So knock it off, Natalie. It is all one sided and I’m sorry that hurts you to hear this, but my husband can’t stand you. He thinks you’re nuts. And he wants you to stay away from him. How many times does he need to tell you? How much plainer does he need to be?”

“He doesn’t want to hurt you. I’m sure at one time he loved you with everything he is and everything he has but…”

“He DOES love me. With everything he is and everything he has. And he loves his life with me. With his children. There is nothing between the two of you. There never will be. So unless you want things to get very unpleasant for you, you’ll back off.”

“Is that why he came onto me? At the American Girl store yesterday? Is that why he propositioned me? Suggested we abandon the kids for a bit and find a storage closet?”

Esme chuckles. “Right. Because THAT would totally happen. First of all, my husband is NOT a cheater. He is -and always has been- one hundred percent faithful and loyal. No other woman in the world exists to him. Not you, not anyone else. Just me. That’s it.”

“Is that what he tells you? Stroke the old ego? Let you think everything is okay and he’s not straying?”

“That IS what he tells me. I know Tyler better than he knows himself. And when he says things like that? He is one hundred percent genuine. I have spent twelve and a half years with that man. Sharing a bed with him. A life. I know him in ways no one else does. So don’t even try and pretend you have any clue who he is or what he thinks or how he feels.”

“And you call me the delusional one? That’s rich.”

“Second of all, even if he WAS a cheater, he would never do something like that; suggest something that crude and disgusting. Not with two of his children and his granddaughter right there. I don’t know what kind of married men you’re used to opening your legs for, but my husband isn’t like them. He is a decent, good man. Who loves his family. Who’d do anything to protect them. Who would stop at nothing to keep us all together. So you can try this bullshit until you’re blue in the face. You could talk all day about it; tell lies about him and try and convince me that he’s a horrible person and that he wants to leave me for you. I won’t believe you. Because I KNOW him. And I also know you’re a lying piece of shit.”

“Well you just know everything, don’t you,” Natalie sneers. “Little Miss Perfect. With her great marriage and her horde of children and all her money and big, beautiful house and amazing life in Australia. You’ve just got all the answers.”

“I am far from perfect. I’m the first one to admit I’m anything but. But I recognize a train wreck when I see it. And you are the biggest I’ve seen by far. Stay away from my husband and stay away from my kids. If you ever even think about dragging one of my children into your crap again, I will come to your house and pull you out by your hair and beat your ass in the middle of the street.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

“Mess with my husband or my kids again, and I won’t try. I will do it. Don’t underestimate me. Tougher people than you have made that mistake. Walk away, Natalie. If you know what’s good for you. I won’t tell you again.”

“You have no idea who you’re threatening, little girl. No idea at all.”

“God, you’re a real piece of work, you know that? And I’ve worked with some real winners, let me tell you. Just stay away. From Tyler, from my kids, from me. Or the next time you’re told? It won’t be this civil.”

Gathering the sides of her hoodie around her body, she crosses her arms over her chest to hold the fabric in place; eyes on the sidewalk as she begins the short trek back to the cafe. Exhaustion suddenly taking hold; a level of weariness that muddles your brain and seems to settle deep within your bones. She wants nothing more than to go home; kiss and cuddle her children and hear their voices and their giggles. And to be engulfed by those big, strong arms; so powerful and capable of so much damage, yet impossibly soothing and gentle at the same time. Her own arms curling around his waist; eyes closing as he tucks her protectively and lovingly into that solid, muscular chest. No matter how trying and stressful and scary a situation, everything in the world seems right when she’s with him; the warmth of his body and the familiar smell that clings to his clothing and the sound and the feel of his heart beating against her. It’s as if time stands still; everything and everyone else in the universe ceasing to exist. It’s always been like that; feeling safe and secure and protected whenever she’s in his presence. And she reminds herself that they’ve gotten through worse; the demons of his past, his ongoing battles with alcoholism and drug abuse, a six month separation, the aftermath of both trips to Dhaka. And each time they’ve only grown stronger; that intense and profound bond pulling them through even the darkest and scariest of situations. This too shall pass. It will take days. Weeks. Maybe even months. But It WILL pass. And as long as they remain a united front, nothing -or no one- could possibly destroy them.

She reaches for the handle on the cafe’s door just as another customer emerges. Slightly startled when the glass and metal swings towards her; giving a small yelp and jumping back and flattening herself against the brick behind her.

“Sorry about that, miss.” The patron steps through; placing a hand on the door and keeping it open for her. “Didn’t mind to startle you.”

“It’s okay. I was in my own little world and…”

Her voice trails off when she looks up at him, smile quickly fading. Heart hammering wildly in her chest; entire body going rigid and sweat gathering along her hairline as her stomach churns agonizingly. It’s been years since she's seen him; tall and barrel chested and broad shouldered light brown hair now almost completely gray, sparkling hazel eyes. Logically she knows it can’t really BE him. After all, Nathan had ended his life years ago in New Zealand; effectively wiping out any threat he could have posed, yet doing very little for the torment and the heartache that he’d caused her. The years of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse that very nearly broke her.

It isn’t possible. The dead simply don’t come back.

“Are you alright?” He asks, and lifts a take out cup of coffee to his lips. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I’m just...I’m…” she struggles to gather her composure. There’s a distinct twang to the man’s voice. Brooklyn, if she can recall from her time spent in New York City. Her mind swims; the shock of seeing a deceased man's face and the lingering terror that his hands, words, and body had long instilled in her. “I’m fine,” she manages a smile. “You just look like someone I used to know. That I was pretty close to. Took my breath away.”

“Good memories, I hope.”

“There’s some,” Esme admits. “But I’d be lying if I said there weren't more bad ones.”

“Well I hate hearing that. Especially coming from a pretty little thing like you. Didn’t mean to startle you.”

“It’s okay. I was in my own little world. It's just been quite the morning. To say the least. And seeing you…”

“What’s that that people say? About everyone having a twin out there somewhere? That’s probably the case. I’m probably that guy’s twin. Sorry if my face brings back some bad things for you.”

“It’s alright. I think I need to just get home. Back to my family. I’ll feel better then.”

“I hope so. You take care now. Sorry to have spooked you. You have a good day. With that family of yours.”

“I will,” she manages another smile; not as nervous and shaky. “Thank you.”

She remains in the open doorway, watching as he saunters down the street. No sign of a hitch to his left leg or a swing to the right hip; injuries Mark had sustained when a tank in a convoy he’d been travelling in hit a roadside bomb; the blast powerful enough to eject him from the light armoured vehicle travelling meters behind. Between the normal gait and the Brooklyn accent…

“Get it together.” she orders a loud, and briefly closes her eyes. “He’s dead. Long dead. There’s no way it’s him. It CAN’T be him.”

Taking in a deep breath, she releases it slowly and opens her eyes, frantically searching for the man that had stood before her just a few short moments ago. The sidewalk is empty for blocks. No sign of her dead ex’s ‘twin’; no one rounding a corner, no car pulling away from any of the curbs. Her heart begins to settle; the pounding in her chest and her ears relenting and the terror that once held her firmly in its grasp finally letting go.

[sevenincubistolemyheart]

Lightened Shadows Chapter 2

AU: Final Fantasy 4

Tag list: @xsunnyhoseokx @otomehideout-indecentconfessions @file-missing​ @risefallrise​

Rating: M

Potential Triggers: Pretty descriptive fantasy violence this time around(boss fights will hopefully always be this well written; I’m real proud with how the scene came out so I hope you like it). 

Pairing: Ever-evolving :)

Genre:  Drama, Romance, Angst, Fluff, Hurt & Comfort

Length: 6.2k+

The air was cool from the little you could feel thanks to your armor but you knew it’d heat up quickly thanks to the sun. Thankfully, it hadn’t risen too much given how early it was. 

“Shall we stop in town first?”

Yoongi stopped you as you turned in the direction towards where the cave you needed to go through waited with a gentle hand on your arm, your armor clanking at the contact.

“Hm? Didn’t you say you already got provisions just this past nightfall?”

He smirked sheepishly and shrugged.

“I may have forgotten in the midst of the men celebrating my victory in our spat. Apologies. Shall we?”

You nodded, barely holding back a sigh. 

‘As if I don’t feel bad enough. Now I have to go get supplies and probably scar a few children in the process with my intimidating appearance. Spectacular.’ 

You entered the quaint little village just diagonal to the castle gates and looked around, trying to go through the brief list of what you needed in your mind. 

‘It should be a short expedition; 2 days at most, 3 if we stop to pitch a tent after delivering the ring to get their explanation once you entered the village.’

 You were sure you wouldn’t be welcome there for long. The town of Mist was known for little else than their reclusive nature and had never been particularly fond of those that hailed from Baron, so perhaps best you purchase one just in case they wouldn’t let you stay at the inn as you feared.

Yoongi led the way to the item shop and offered you a wave as he ran off somewhere; probably to attend to some last-minute errand he’s forgotten about. 

“How can I help you today, my Lady?” 

It was a quick transaction; you luckily had plenty of gil to spare thanks to the 500 gil provisions the King’s guard had insisted you take, along with 5 Potions and a Phoenix Down should the worst come to befall one of you in battle. You bought one more Phoenix Down for good measure in addition to that Tent and exited looking around to see Yoongi’s distinctly teal armor. He’d always hated that ugly green the other Dragoons were forced to wear, so he’d had Jin help him create his own armor once he'd been promoted to Captain.

Having experience building airships was surprisingly helpful in creating armor that could withstand some damn mighty blows apparently. 

You exited the shop looking around for Yoongi carelessly as you walked through the town, trying to not draw any attention to yourself; only to look down in surprise at a sudden banging from your armor being hit repeatedly. A small boy was there, angrily pounding on your armor with tears streaming down his face. 

“You took my Daddy away!! I hate you!”

A wince graced your face behind your mask and for once you lowered it, kneeling to the boys’ height and gently restraining his hands firmly in your own. You had no choice but to take many people to the guards if they happened to be foolish enough to run into you. It had been one of the ways you’d rose in rank so quickly; catching criminals. But...it never made it any easier to see the carnage left in the wake of your actions. 

“...I’m sorry. I know there is naught I can say to soothe your pain, but all I can do is apologize. I had a duty to fulfill, and I did as was necessary.” 

The child sniffled, but the hatred once in his eyes had died down to a mere simmer. 

“You don’t seem so mean. Please miss...I just want my Daddy back. Mommy said he’s served all his time; can’t you get him for me? I promise I’ll work doubly hard to ensure we’re never poor enough to have to steal again!”

He seemed so proud, puffing his chest out, and as you released his hands he placed them on his hips in a show of how strong he could and would be. 

A glance upwards saw his Mother suddenly rushing towards you both and the woman was on the floor on her knees, hands, and head both level to the ground at your feet. 

“Please Lady Captain! Forgive my boy! He means no harm!” 

Your heart clenched as you stood and the boy seemed distressed, seemingly coming to the conclusion that you were leaving as he grabbed onto your arm. 

“Miss, please! His name is Raisoro. Even if it's not today please at least look for him when next you return to the castle!”

You noticed Yoongi waiting as the crowd parted and knew you'd have to make this quick. He'd never been good with this kind of situation. 

You nodded resolutely, meeting the boy’s eyes.

"I swear it on my role as a Dark Knight…"

You met the mother's eyes too as your gaze softened behind your visor and you helped her to her feet. 

"And as someone who also loves another. I will check and return for you once I next visit the castle. I have a mission to do before that so it may take some time but-"

"Thank you Lady Captain! You're so gracious!" 

The mother was barely holding herself together at your words and you squeezed her hand briefly before you pulled away after a ruffle of the boy's hair and made your way to Yoongi who was looking on in solemn understanding. 

"...Dare I ask?"

"The boy's father has been in prison past his sentence, caught stealing food for his family. I promised I'd check once we got back."

Yoongi glanced at you from his place beside you as a chuckle escaped him. 

You felt your cheeks heat and huffed defensively. 

"What's so funny!?"

He shrugged with a fond smile as he shook his head. 

"Still too kind for your own good is all. Could have been a lie, an attempt to steal money, or a ploy to stir up rebellion in the town against the King starting with you by using a young boy but you responded so genuinely that even if that's what it was it backfired miserably."

He snickered a bit more, a rare sound to be sure for most but you enjoyed it nonetheless even as you blushed.

"It's my job as Lady Captain. I may serve the Red Wings but the townspeople are my concern too. I guess it probably seems silly since you're of the Dragoon branch, only responsible for protecting the castle and monster patrol.” 

His laughter died but you caught the amused smirk at his lips.

“All the better for me. People can be complicated whereas fiends are useful for little more than target practice and exercises to bring my jumps to larger heights.” 

You shoved him playfully with a roll of your eyes.

“Alright hotshot; that’s enough bragging. Did you do your little errand? I want to check in with Hoseok’s Mom while we’re here. You know how worried he can get about her when he gets stuck at the castle healing overnight.”

Yoongi seemed to hesitate at that but reluctantly nodded and let you lead him to the small house towards the center of the village where Hoseok’s mom had received her own home after Hoseok had received his white cape as proof he was a Baron White Mage. You knocked on the door and after a moment it swung open to reveal Hoseok’s mother. You smiled kindly, mouth guard already lowered out of respect even as she glared at you disapprovingly. 

“What do you two want!?” 

“I just wanted to check in on you. Hoseok wanted to ensure you were eating enough and healthy.” 

She huffed irritably and leaned against the doorjamb as Yoongi shifted uncomfortably beside you, causing her gaze to briefly shift to him before going back to you. 

“I’m doing just fine; no thanks to you. His Majesty’s recent behavior troubles me. I heard you and your boy there have been doing some just terrible things, under his orders or no. All I want is Hoseok to be safe from such gory acts and that’s your job as his lover.” The glare she gave Yoongi did not go unnoticed by you and you noted the way his whole body tensed and his mouth went in a firm straight line. “And that goes for any kind of hurt. Have I made myself clear?”

You maintained your amicable smile even as it felt like you’d just been speared through the heart. Your voice was unbearably soft as you responded, cursing the way it wavered. 

“O-Of course madam. I will protect him till my very last breath if I must. I would happily absolve any pain he has experienced or will in the future if I was only able, so he wouldn’t have to shoulder an ounce of suffering.”

She nodded and raised her chin in superior pride at your answer before she nodded curtly. 

“Good. Ensure your feelings forever remain so stalwart; as do your ideals or the world may lose one Dark Knight.”

With that, the door slammed shut, and the sting of her obvious distrust bordering on rejection cut deep as you all but stumbled away with Yoongi hot on your heels as you made your way through the little alcove at the back of the village to the river where you knew no-one would be. 

You were barely maintaining the lid on your emotions but at the sight of your glassy gaze, Yoongi couldn’t withhold his ire and hissed through gritted teeth as he clenched his fists.

“Who does she think she is talking down to you like that!? Hoseok and you have been together for how many years now? 3?” 

He snarled as he whirled to grip your shoulders unintentionally being a bit rough, not that it made a difference thanks to the armor guarding your shoulders, careful to avoid the spikes. 

“She even dared to imply you of all people would be unfaithful. After everything you’ve been through with Hoseok and me, it just-” 

He inhaled sharply to try and gather himself and his eyes rushed to yours at your watery giggle. 

“Is something humorous?”

He certainly didn’t find any amusement in this.

You smiled weakly. 

“I just find this all morbidly ironic. I told Hoseok just last night how cowardly I was and it seems even his mother agrees.” 

Yoongi wrenched himself away from you with a hiss, eyes narrowing. 

“You? A coward? That is comical.”

“I knew you wouldn’t understand. I obeyed His Majesty’s orders without a second thought. I harmed innocent people-”

“Except they’re not innocent. You seem to be forgetting that. His Majesty explicitly said they knew too much of the Crystal and its secrets-”

“And what gives him the right to decide that!? It’s not our culture or our way of life!! We’ve been focused on technological advancement rather than the power of the crystals for decades...why now does His Majesty seem so intent on them!?”

You covered your mouth in horror at the treasonous words that escaped your lips, and Yoongi had gone eerily still as well before he quickly looked around for any potential eavesdroppers. 

Seeing none, he lowered his voice and frowned seriously at you once again placing his hand on your shoulder. You could see the weight of your words had made their mark from the grim look in his eyes. So it troubled him too. You always knew he was a good actor but his emotionlessness towards this subject, in particular, had admittedly made you feel isolated in your beliefs. Sure, you’d heard the rumors, but they hadn’t been raised by His Majesty as you had. Their opinion simply didn’t hold the same weight as Yoongi or Hoseok’s would. In any case, Yoongi’s low drawl of your name made your eyes lock onto his. 

“They were deceitful and thankfully His Royal Highness caught it in time before they began a rampage against the whole Blue Planet. Let us be grateful for that and move on. Yes?”

Hesitance shown in your eyes but you swallowed back the bitter taste of betrayal on your tongue and nodded. No time to wallow in any case; you had Hoseok to get home to. 

“Enough talk. Let us depart for Mist."

Yoongi finally seemed appeased and he watched as you raised your mouthguard once again though he didn’t comment on it as you both exited the little alcove at the back of the town, only for Yoongi to bump right into a familiar girl. 

“June! How’re things?”

You easily put on a mask of ease, though at the younger girl’s giddy grin you found it wasn’t difficult. 

“Oh, it’s been just peachy! You know Jin...always working! But he came home last night so to reward him I’m baking him his favorite pumpkin pie for when he finally wakes up.”

“He still hasn’t awoken? It’s only a little past dawn but I’ve seen him working well past this just last week…” 

Yoongi mused and you saw the twist of a smirk on his lips when you shot him a knowing glare. 

June huffed at that, shaking her head in disappointment. 

“I’m gonna wring that old man's neck one of these days, mark my words! He works too hard...we’re not that hurting for gil.”

Her last phrase was little more than a mumble but your hand was already reaching for your gil pouch before you could even consciously think. As if anticipating your movements though, Yoongi took a step forward, hand already outstretched with a small pouch, filled to the brim and neatly tied off. 

At June’s wide-eyed hesitance, Yoongi cut her off as she opened her mouth, no doubt to refuse. 

“You’d best take it before a pickpocket does. I’ll remain standing like this until the gil is taken.”

His voice was a low rumble, despite his words as he clearly wanted her to have it, not some thief, and all three of you knew even should he keep his word like you knew he would, he’d merely reclaim his gil and find some other way to give it to the family, perhaps by smuggling it into Jin’s biweekly wages.

June finally took the pouch, and you felt a little misty-eyed as you watched her throw her arms around Yoongi, taking the Dragoon Captain by surprise and making him stumble and fumble to return her gesture of affection with an awkward pat on her back. 

“Y-Yes yes of course, now just release me, will you? People are staring.”

He grumbled, and you were sure without his mask he’d be red as a beet by now. 

Yoongi grew serious, however, and gently caught June’s hand as she went to run off after thanking him profusely. 

“I want you to be sure you go right on home and hide that somewhere nice and secure. Only take what you need and then return to the markets. I don’t want you being targeted for fraternizing with the likes of us. And…” He hesitated but finally handed her something else you couldn’t see as he stepped into her space as he abruptly tugged her into a proper hug. 

“Take that as well. Use it only if you must.” 

He mumbled something else by her ear and then just as quickly pulled away. June looked flustered as well, a little nervous and as Yoongi rejoined you, you side-eyed him with a hint of mirth in your gaze. You were positive he could feel it and eventually after a minute of walking towards the exit he hissed only once you’d both been alone for several minutes.

“What?”

You offered a simple hum. 

“Hm? Oh, I’m just recalling a certain Dragoon mocking me not an hour ago for being too kind. Yet here you are, giving away money I know you’d been saving up for that new lance you wanted. You even gave her a weapon by the looks of it.”

Your voice quieted for that last part as you drew closer to him to whisper and he merely sighed in resignation at that. 

“Of course you noticed. Always so knowing, aren’t you? June deserves to eat. Did you not also happen to notice the flatness of her gil pouch? You know how much they’ve been inflating prices.”

You blinked at that in surprise.

“The item shop charged me the same rate as always. I had no idea…”

Yoongi snorted at that, cool and sarcastic. 

“Of course they would. You’re the King’s guard dog, they know better than to draw your, or my ire. But the townspeople? They are not so lucky. There is a reason people like that family who pleaded with you have had to turn to stealing and they are but one of many.”

“And here I thought I was knowledgeable on the way our people were treated...how do you know all this?” 

Yoongi shrugged. 

“My men have families here; unlike the Red Wings who’re typically born into the military, the Dragoons have always been expected to be enlisters. The practice may have died some with the passage of time but it is still a thing of the present and I asked a few of them to report to me. I pay them a little extra on the side and they know I’m not a turncoat despite being close to His Majesty. You’re the first one I’ve told, actually and I know well enough you’re as good for your silence as I.”

This new information made dread sit heavy in the pit of your stomach. First a degradation of the King’s morality, and now even Baron’s shopkeepers were turning against civilians? You froze for a moment and swallowed nervously. Your King. He was your king still. The just and firm but kind man who’d raised you into the woman you had become. Deep breaths. All would be forgiven and explained when you returned. You were sure of it. Yoongi had said so and he was always right. You just had to have faith. You and Yoongi reached the gate and you looked to him as you ensured your armor was tightened and your sword scabbard ready to give you access to your sword at a moment's notice. 

He too had done his checks and nodded at you, mouth now in a stern frown as he readied himself with grim determination for the journey ahead. 

After a shared nod at one another, you both stepped out into the overworld and began making your way to the Cave of Mist. 

The monsters had been gradually growing more and more feral as the years had gone on. Now they were violently beyond reason, willing to strike at a moment’s notice; including those who didn’t pose a threat. You remembered a simpler time where more docile monsters had been used to train even children, including yourself, Yoongi, and Hoseok. Now, it was a risk of death every time trade happened. Perhaps it was a good thing tensions were so high between the nations nowadays.

In any case, Yoongi and yourself were trained to fight and take out even the most intelligent of monsters thanks to being taught the ways of the sword and lance respectively by your King. Yoongi also had his father for a time to fall back on before he perished. Most monsters seemed to catch onto this and kept their distance from you both, but those either too foolish or too hungry to care still attacked. You remained unscathed, your armor keeping you safe from a particularly volatile Sword rat, the purple beast expelling it’s sharp spines your way. Even bringing up your shield, a few broke through your defenses and you couldn’t help your wince as they made contact with a harsh reverberation as they hit your chest and legs.

Yoongi took a risk and threw his spear at the beast and thankfully it cried out in pain before finally going limp.  He retrieved his weapon and shot a smirk your way, and claimed you’d owe him a drink once you returned to Baron.

That was the only incident you had come across until you reached the cave itself. Since most monsters knew better than to start a fight with you both, you hoped those dwelling within the Cave of Mist would have the same ideas. 

Oh, how wrong you were. 

The larvae and eyewing moths inhabiting the cave were particularly irritating. The moths liked to blind you and the larvae loved to use slow, only prolonging their inevitable deaths. Blind was always a pain to deal with; you both being melee attackers and all. Sure, spell casters and mages were affected as well, but oftentimes they could locate the monsters or other teammates thanks to locking onto their energy if they were fast enough. No such luck here. 

Still, you managed to take them out. However, something strange had occurred, twice now which was not to your liking.

 A voice had called out to you, ghostly and ominous, ordering you both to return whence you came. It had no discernable gender, but the lilt underneath the words made you guess it may have been female. 

Could this be the Eidolon you’d been sent to slay? 

Despite the constant feeling of being watched, the journey through the cave was not a difficult one and you sensed no malice from the entity. Not until you reached the cave’s exit in any case. 

“You are not welcome beyond this point, swine of Baron. Return to your castle and leave this place in peace.”

You frowned at that, ring sitting heavily in its own dedicated pouch at your hip and the image of Hoseok’s worried face in your mind. 

“We can’t do that. Please, I beg you allow us refuge. We have a mission we must see through!”’

“As do I. I take it you mean to refuse my plea then?”

The voice had gained an aggressive but defeated edge and Yoongi stepped forward, all cocky indifference. 

“We have given you your answer.”

“...Very well. Then you leave me with no choice. Forgive me.”

With that, the mist that had not aided your journey in the least began coalescing and you both drew your weapons in preparation. 

A pink scaled dragon had appeared in front of you, and you and Yoongi could both sense the difference in power compared to the weak monsters thus far. You’d used up what little Eye Drops you’d had in stock, and now only had 2 Potions after healing at the slightest injury earlier, thinking you’d had plenty. Luckily you still had both Phoenix Downs should one of you fall unconscious before the other. 

You shared a look with Yoongi and he nodded in understanding, before hopping up and continuing to move from rock to rock, trying to get as much height as possible to come down all the harder on your enemy. Not one to be left out, you turned your attention to the battle, knowing full well you were the only remaining target, and steeled yourself, letting dark energy surround you as you carefully fed just enough of yourself into your attacks to power them up while not causing too much physical damage to yourself. 

It still made you wince and caused an off sensation within your soul whenever you chose to use Darkness but the King always said the payoff would be worth it if the enemy went down. 

Said enemy roared in frustration and swung a large claw at you which you barely managed to dodge before slashing, watching as darkness coated the wound you’d left, seeping in and making it hurt all the more. Your eyes widened in surprise as before you could hop back the creature snarled and jumped, shoving you to the ground with its claws and holding you there as its face lowered towards your vulnerable frame. 

Yoongi couldn’t have chosen a better time to come, slamming down onto the back of the beast, spearing the Eidolon with as much force as he could muster. You watched as blood gushed, ignoring the confusion that hit you at seeing the substance to instead take its momentary preoccupation with Yoongi as it tried to bite him off of its back to get ahold of your sword and stabbing its foot to make it release you. 

It let out a wail of pain, and you knew you were close. Yoongi deftly hopped off and dragged you out from under the creature, tossing you a Potion before he unleashed a flurry of passionate slashes to keep the monster engaged and focused on him. You quickly slammed your mouth guard down and chugged the bitter liquid with a gag and a grimace, feeling the physical aching and the toll on your soul both fade as you regained full lucidity. 

You shook off your daze and felt the power of Darkness fade as fast as it had arrived. Better not to use it twice in one battle and from the way the beast had slowed it seemed the battle was finally coming to an end.

Yoongi was holding his own quite well; he’d always been the more nimble out of the two of you what with having to find the perfect openings to Jump and all and he’d already managed to push the creature back some so you could recover in peace. 

“Shall we finish this?”

He asked gruffly, panting. 

You nodded, but as you went to strike now that it was cornered it suddenly...dissipated into mist? 

Well, that just wasn’t fair. 

“You will pay for that…”

The ominous threat was made good on and you gasped as a snow-like substance slowly fell around you and Yoongi. You fell to your knees at the freezing cold that enveloped you. Damn. This was why you loathed magic attacks. No matter what armor you wore it mattered not. 

You saw Yoongi go down out of the corner of your eye and lunged with a cry of pure, unadulterated fear as the monster came into existence once again and made as if to strike him. 

Claws raked across your back and again, your armor or no, you felt the impact and the pain shortly after, even with the adrenaline coursing through you. You were both going to die entirely if you didn’t do something now. 

You tossed a Phoenix Down over Yoongi, knowing it’d take a moment for the bird of resurrections feathers to revitalize his life force once again, and stood defensively in front of him. A snarl turned your face to something ugly and you hissed at the monster. 

“You want him? Then you’ve got to get through me first!!”

Your cry clearly met its mark as the creature roared in ire at being provoked and you neatly dodge rolled to avoid being hit as it attempted to catch you in its claws, scrambling for your item pouch. You shoved the last Potion’s contents down your throat before you let the power of Darkness surround you one final time, ready to sacrifice whatever was necessary of yourself to ensure Yoongi survived. He wouldn’t have much HP left - that Phoenix Down would only get him conscious and all it would take was one good hit for him to go down permanently. Just as you narrowed your eyes in concentration and went to swing downwards, Yoongi let out an abrupt shout and finished his final Jump; using the last remnants of his own power to finish the battle once and for all before you had the chance. 

The creature roared, in agony this time, and you watched in cold satisfaction as it collapsed to the cave floor in defeat. 

Without so much as a look at the monster that had nearly killed your closest friend you ran over to Yoongi and forced his arm over your shoulder. 

“What are you-?”

“Don’t pretend you aren't barely hanging onto consciousness right now you idiot. I know how Phoenix Downs work. It may revitalize you but it’s only enough to get you off the floor unless you also have a Potion or more on hand.”

You began trudging to the cave’s exit, squinting into the dusk. 

“We’re making a tent for the night, understand? We’ll go to Mist at first light. You’re in no condition to do anything right now besides recover. I’ll take watch after tending to your wounds and you’ll go right to sleep.”

Yoongi chuckled under his breath until he was forced to cough in pain and you frowned in annoyance at him briefly as fresh air greeted you both. It was a welcome change to the musky cave scent you’d both been stuck with for the past many hours you’d been stuck there. That damn mist had definitely cost you time and from how dark it was outside, you’d been there at least half a day. You'd made good time, if nothing else.  

“What’s so funny?”

“You can be such a parent sometimes. I’m fine. Being knocked out happens in fights sometimes. Besides, I managed to save you, didn’t I? I’d say I recovered just fine.”

He muttered cheekily, his voice gruff from being drawn unwillingly out of his unconscious state earlier. 

You grumbled at that. 

“I had it under control. And anyway...it’s dead. That’s all that matters. The only thing left to do now is to give this ring to Mist and see what they make of it. Surely one of them must know, else his Majesty would not have sent us here.”

You gently set Yoongi down onto a grassy hill you’d found, spotting Mist awaiting you both at the bottom. You were a little winded from carrying his weight; like it or not you were smaller and still weaker than him when it came to straight strength. A quick glance around made you relax a little as you sat down as well, taking off your helmet and letting yourself gulp in the fresh air with relief. It really had felt stuffy in that damn cave. Yoongi meanwhile was stripping himself of his armor, and you nodded down towards where a stream flowed steadily into the town. 

“Don’t be afraid to go wash up a little if you’d like once you feel well enough to stand. We can go at dawn as well if you’d prefer, given we’ll be sleeping outside tonight and all.”

Yoongi leveled a glare towards Mist and grumbled as he ran a hand through his messy locks, brushing away the dirt from the cave clinging to his undershirt and pants. 

“It’d be nice if we could just go rest at the inn but I know that’s an impossible venture. Say…” 

He winced as he examined a few of his wounds, mainly scrapes, and bruises but he had a nice long gash on his arm and head bled a bit as well, most likely from when he’d fallen unconscious. 

You could feel your own body aching but tried not to dwell on it, instead rummaging around your item pouch and grabbing a small loaf of bread you'd stashed away and a handkerchief Hoseok always made you carry. A small fond smile twitched onto your lips at the thought of him and you removed your helmet to see better. 

Yoongi had turned his gaze to you curiously, expecting you to stay in your armor in the case of monsters but you sighed at his inquiring gaze as you stood and merely walked over to the log he was sitting on, kneeling in front of him and beginning to dab at his bloody forehead. 

"Silly Dragoon. When will you learn to stop putting yourself at risk huh?"

You pushed the bread into his hands, with your free one continuing to dab at his wound gently. 

"Eat. It'll help you recover faster."

"But what about-" 

"I'm not the one who got knocked out."

You yelped as he suddenly grabbed your face and tilted your head to meet his steely brown gaze. 

"...You'll eat half or I won't so much as touch it."

You groaned as you smacked his hand away, grumbling at him as you uncorked the only Potion you had left and spilled a little onto the cloth to dab onto the cut on his head, the ghost of a smirk tugging at your lips as he let out a hiss of pain and clenched his hand into a fist. 

"You're such a child sometimes. Fine, you big baby. Just eat, will you? Honestly, sometimes I wonder if I should've picked up White Magic as well just to make up for your recklessness."

Yoongi eyed you over the bread as you sat back and sprawled out on the soft grass and nibbled at your half. 

"Don't act like you're the paragon of strategy. I saw how you were going to foolishly put yourself in a critical state to try and take the Eidolon out. Armor off. I know you're injured too and we still have ¾ of this Potion left."

His eyes narrowed with a little playful sadism and you knew he was looking forward to tending to your wounds as well. 

You smiled with a tinge of nervousness and shook your head. 

"No, I'm fine rea-"

"I will come over there and tug it off myself."

"Y-You're too weak to!"

You challenged in disbelief, calling his bluff. 

His eyes sparkled again and a cheeky grin now adorned his lips as he moved to stand, causing you to squeak and scramble away from him as you fumbled with your armor. 

"A-Alright alright! Sheesh!"

His low voice snickered in amusement as you blushed and reluctantly tugged off the heavy armor pieces. They'd been dented something awful in that fight; you’d need to get it fixed at a blacksmith once you got back to Baron. Still, you had to admit having the added weight off of your tired body was a welcome change. 

You were indeed injured as Yoongi and yourself had both noted and you winced at the gash in your side, not having noticed that the Eidolon must’ve managed to graze your side with its claws, fairly deeply. Your black t-shirt was tattered, barely sticking to your body from sweat and a bit from the blood as well. Your head was pounding too, the cool night air alerting you to just how hard you must’ve hit your head as you went down. 

“Come. Shirt off; that looks deep.”

You jumped a bit in surprise at Yoongi’s voice right by your ear, turning to frown at him over your shoulder. 

“I can take care of it myself Yoongi, you should rest.”

He stared you down until you caved with a huff and shucked off the remnants of your shirt. You made a good choice wearing your more flexible undergarments for activity today in anticipation of fighting. Made this all much more bearable, but Yoongi was resolutely focused on your wound in any case even so. You knew he wouldn’t lay down, let alone sleep until he knew you were at least taken care of. It warmed your heart that he cared for you so. 

That warmth faded to a whimper as gentle fingers brushed along the wound assessing the damage. 

“Apologies. Hm...Come. I want to clean this with water first. It’s deeper than it looks. It’s a good thing I brought that extra shirt with me after all.” 

You felt a little woozy truth be told, but you were still trying to keep yourself together. Yoongi had been knocked out after all. He had to be in worse shape than you. You had to be strong for him. 

Yoongi wasn’t buying it though. His gaze locked onto the way you swayed and when he saw you stutter a step as you went to start moving towards the stream nearby, he was quick to grab his shirt and rush to your side where he steadied you with a warm hand on your upper arm. 

“Idiot. How did you not notice you were losing this much blood?”

You laughed weakly, through the dizziness as Yoongi helped to guide you to the water. 

“Adrenaline is a powerful thing, as Hoseok says. I didn’t even feel it until you made me take off my armor.”

Yoongi growled at that, frustrated as he rushed to clean the wound, uncaring as you flinched at the icy water against your skin. 

"Well, we'll have to pray my actions are enough to keep you from meeting an early demise. I know you're strong but even you are Mortal."

The wound now as clean as it could be without magical help, Yoongi reached over for the Potion at his side and poured ¼ of the contents over the wound itself making you yowl in pain. 

He was too focused on his task to pay much attention, however, pouring the other ½ of the bottle onto his shirt which he pressed tightly to your side. He frowned seriously at you. 

"Hold it there, understand? I'll be back in a moment; I have to grab your armor piece. It'll hold the fabric tightly against the wound for the time being."

You meanwhile were trying to cope with the unbearable stinging. The wound had been deep indeed. You could feel the Potions remnants trying to stitch your body together, to slow the bleeding. It was working, however slow, but Ashura above it hurt. 

Yoongi returned after a time and you were surprised to see he was holding another Potion in hand. 

"How-?"

He frowned coldly as he crouched at your side and you registered he was now fully adorned in his teal armor save for his helmet which he'd taken off once he saw you. 

Your suspicion was confirmed when he wordlessly pressed a familiar earring into your hand. 

"You bloody idiot!!!"

Your voice was a poisonous whisper, not wanting to draw any sleeping monsters as you scowled at him and he numbly handed you the Potion. 

"Drink."

You shook your head. 

"I can't believe you went back to loot that Eidolon Yoongi.  What if you'd awoken a monster and-"

Your voice cracked and Yoongi sighed heavily as he saw angry tears make your eyes glassy. You could be so overemotional. You wore facades well around others but he and Hoseok had always been exceptions. You had no need to worry over him. 

"I'm here, alive and well, am I not? My wounds are light enough that a good night's sleep will be enough. But yours are more serious. I’m not risking losing you for the sake of your pride. Now drink or I’ll make you.” 

His voice lowered an octave at his last sentence and you glowered at him one last time before tossing the Potion back, wincing at the disgusting taste, but sighing in relief as your wound knitted itself back together, speeding up your body's cell regeneration a bit. It was no Hi or even X Potion, but it had sped the process up enough to be sure your body would be fully healed by tomorrow, and at least the bleeding had stopped. A touch of your head and you noted the tingling sensation had faded. Hopefully, any injury you had there had ceased to be as well. 

Yoongi had busied himself with attaching just the armor for your side into place so that the Potion soaked fabric would be held against your skin but he turned his gaze to you as he stood and stretched, once again discarding his armor. 

“Well; that’s enough excitement for one night. I’m going to go rest until we have to rise at first light.  Call if any particularly threatening monsters arise.”

You also stood, your own armor halfway back on as you gently called his name. 

“Yoongi!”

He paused, halfway up the hill. His hair was mussed from his rush to loot the Eidolon for your benefit; his long blond ponytail trailing behind him. Long hair has been a part of Dragoon culture for nearly as long as the profession itself had been. It was as characteristic to the culture as the Monks wearing it short, braided, or not at all. Yoongi had mentioned his father had explained that it was a demonstration of the freedom Dragoons symbolized and always fought for. He turned to look at you and his perceptive brown eyes locked onto your own. 

You smiled kindly, gaze sincere. 

“Thank you. I know I can be…” 

You sheepishly rubbed at the back of your neck. 

“A bit difficult sometimes. I appreciate it, and you.”

Yoongi scoffed but you could now clearly see his cheeks turning red in embarrassment before he whirled to finish his journey back towards camp to hide it. You still caught the fondness of his tone though, despite the playful words.

“Always so soft…”

You watched until you could no longer see him and turned back to your armor, finishing putting it on and tugging your darkened helmet over your head once more. Luckily the night was still with the only sounds you could hear being the stream beside you and the chirping of harmless bugs. The twin moons were both full tonight, illuminating the Blue Planet brilliantly. 

Nevertheless, you decided to do a quick perimeter check deciding your newly healed body could use the movement. It was a peaceful night and you heard the faint crackling of torches as you neared the entrance to Mist. You couldn’t help your curiosity as you watched a young girl run to the river, bucket in one hand and a cloth handmade doll in the other haphazardly sewn together. 

She seemed panicked and you faintly heard her voice carry to where you stood just beyond the tree line. 

“Agh I can’t believe I forgot to restock!! Mom’s gonna kill me!!”

She finally managed to get the bucket full but you winced sympathetically as in her rush she tumbled over the bucket and sent water spilling everywhere; soaking her to the bone. Just as you debated emerging to help, an older woman with the same hair and eye color ran out of the town and up to her, a worried frown on her lips. 

“Jenjia just what do you think you’re doing!?”

Her voice was much quieter you noticed thankfully; it would’ve probably been bad if any fiends had been awoken earlier. 

The girl, Jenjia as you now knew her, looked sheepish and beamed nervously up at her mother, clasping her hands behind her back. 

“I’m sorry Mom, I just realized we didn’t have any water to boil! You like to have your tea at night with Daddy and I forgot when playing with Cheryl earlier…” 

She scuffed her worn looking loafers on the ground as her mother shook her head. 

“Well then that’s a day well spent, isn’t it? I’d rather have my daughter home safe and sound than a cup of tea Jia. Your father will feel the same. Leviathan will keep our water flowing clean until tomorrow to refill the stores. Come along now; I’ve already put some beef stew on the stove and I’d rather it didn’t get cold.”

Your heart warmed at the gentle interaction even as a bitter twinge you didn’t want to acknowledge made your chest hurt. You had His Majesty, and that was enough. You never would’ve found Yoongi or Hoseok without him. You turned away as you recalled Yoongi and the girl grabbed her Mother’s hand to be led inside. 

Best you were on your way in any case; it wouldn’t be good if Yoongi woke to find you missing, or if a monster snuck up on your camp.

The rest of the night watch passed uneventfully and Yoongi awoke, as he usually did, at first light. 

You offered him a capful of water from your flask and he drank it gratefully. You’d used up all the food last night; you really should bring more than simple bread next time. Honestly, it had just slipped your mind...this was why Yoongi and Hoseok typically took care of provisions. You always managed to miss something. 

You fiddled absentmindedly with the new earring Yoongi had presented you with last night. It was common practice within Baron to claim trophies from particularly tough monsters and wear them as badges of honor. Typically; you felt pride in a kill and yesterday your mind had been preoccupied with panic and anger but now that it was the next morning you felt no joy, no sense of victory, There had been...no malice or hate that you typically felt from monsters. And it had bled too. It was...odd. 

Still, Yoongi had risked his life to get it for you, and King Odin would surely be pleased with the sight of it upon your return. Best to keep it on for now. 

You jumped as a pair of armored hands abruptly clapped in your face and offered a weak smile to Yoongi as he held out his hand to help you up. 

You grasped it, and he easily pulled you to your feet. 

“How are you feeling?”

You couldn’t help the worry seeping into your tone but Yoongi waved you off. 

“I told you last night I’d be fine and I am. I feel fit as yesterday before we’d even departed. Rest can often be even more healing than a Potion or Cure spell. Now then, shall we go? I’m sure you must be exhausted and the sooner we return home the sooner we can get you some much needed and deserved rest.”

You nodded at that, and after making sure you both had snuffed out the fire and that your weapons and armor were properly set you began your short trek to the gates of Mist. 

It was a tiny village you knew, unlike Damcyan, Fabul, Troia, or Eblan there was no castle, and even Mysidia was more bustling and lively than the few houses dwelling here. It was humble to be sure, but there was a peace and a sense of sincerity here that you doubted you could find anywhere else. 

You fingered the box holding the ring in your pocket, a bit nervous now that you were here. Baron and Mist had never had particularly good relations. You prayed that the King asking for their input would establish a rapport and help you maintain a good relationship. You lowered your face visor, figuring being able to see some part of you that was human behind your demonic looking armor would help put them at ease. 

As Yoongi and you both entered the village you noticed the civilians within already began side-eying you distrustingly and couldn’t help but wonder if word of Mysidia had already spread but quickly reminded yourself that that was impossible. After all; Troia was the only neighboring kingdom and they would’ve had to have taken an airship here just to inform them. A general lack of airships besides Baron aside, Troia was always neutral anyway and pretty much entirely isolated.

Guess tensions with Baron really were high then. 

You suddenly noticed a woman approaching you and recognized her as the mother from last night. Her daughter clutched at her skirt, observing you with curious if shy eyes. You smiled at her while Yoongi offered a respectful nod to the mother. 

“Good day ma’am we were just-”

His words were cut off by your pained yelp as you ripped the now searing box that held the ring out of its pouch. You’d been so preoccupied with calming down the young girl you hadn’t noticed the rising temperature until it was near scorching. 

“The ring!”

The box was rustling wildly of its own accord as it hit the ground, and Yoongi frowned deeply in confusion only to roughly pull you back several feet as he too jumped back. 

The woman too had shoved her daughter behind her and was examining the box before recognition lit her eyes. 

“This is-!”

Boom

The box exploded open and Bomb monsters hidden inside didn’t waste any time as they began setting fire to anything and anyone they could. In seconds the village was burning and the smell of burning flesh was everywhere. You could do little more than watch in horrified shock as smoke already was causing your eyes to burn at the spot the woman had just been. That initial violent opening of the box had scorched the poor woman...and her daughter you noted numbly, where they’d stood. The girl-Jenjia you reminded yourself, she had a name- all that remained of her was her doll, slowly burning away to nothingness in front of your very eyes. Suddenly, an abrupt realization hit you.

The bombs were carefully not targeting Yoongi and yourself.

You shook violently as words escaped your lips in hushed horror, taking in the carnage caused in the wake of your visit. It had to be a mistake, it had to. Yoongi would be truthful with you. You must’ve missed something. This wasn’t happening.

“This is what we were sent to do?”

Yoongi looked around with detached and grim determination.

“He wished this village torched.”

Tears streamed down your face and evaporated just as quickly, whether from the flames and smoke or the horror and disgust coursing through you; who could say? You trembled with rage and clenched your fists so tightly your already dented armor creaked a bit more from the force of it. 

“But why?”

You raised your head to the sky and let out a guttural raw of pure primal agony. 

“Why!?!”

Yoongi remained silent beside you, but you could feel the tenseness coming off of him in waves. This upset him too, you were sure. You numbly looked back down at the ground and it took you a few moments to register a new sound amid the now silent town besides the crackling of the fire and the creaking of buildings as they collapsed in on themselves. Destroyed in mere minutes. 

A young boy sobbing. 

You grimly raised your head and began walking towards the sound hearing Yoongi’s steady footsteps beside you. 

You came across a mint haired boy, hysterically gasping over a woman’s body. Luckily the child was beside the only water source in the town; a small pool which seemed to have kept the Bombs at bay. 

As Yoongi and you approached, he clung all the harder to his mother, not even noticing both of you. You barely managed to make out the words between his heart-wrenching sobs. 

“Mother you can’t die! J-Just because your dragon did!!” 

Yoongi’s eyes suddenly lit with understanding behind his visor and you turned to him in confusion as he nodded to himself. 

“I’ve heard of their lot. Men who can conjure Eidolons...Summoners.”

It suddenly hit you and you mumbled to yourself as it all seemed to come together. 

“Then the dragon we slew...was...his mothers?”

The boy gasped at the sound of your voice and turned to glare fearfully at you and Yoongi making you wince as you met his gaze behind your visor in reluctant admission of your guilt. He stood in an attempt to appear more intimidating even despite the tremor in his voice showing how petrified he was just underneath the facade.

“You...You’re the ones who killed her dragon!?”

You swallowed the bitter taste on your tongue as you pleaded with the boy. Moon above, he couldn’t be more than 10. 

“Forgive us. We’d no idea this would happen to your mother.”

It sounded exactly what it was. Weak and pathetic. There would be no forgiveness. Not for this. Nor for Mysidia. 

You forced your gaze to his deceased Mother and sent up a prayer. As if that would help him now. 

Yoongi looked around and finally spoke up, tone matter of fact. 

“His Majesty sent us to eliminate every last one of these people.”

Your legs finally gave out, unable to take the weight being placed upon you. 

“No…”

Yoongi frowned as he looked down at you, assessing your condition before he began to move towards the boy with grim determination. 

“Foul work to be sure. But we’ll need to kill the boy as well.”

At that you lunged, just before he reached him, hopping to your feet and pushing against his chest plate in horrified desperation. 

“Yoongi!!”

Up close as you were, you could feel his breath on your skin, could hear the hateful sense of begrudging duty in his tone.

“It’s him or us ____!” 

You pushed him with all your might, making him take a step back even with the weakness coursing through your shaky body.

“He’s a child!”

You turned to look down at the still sobbing boy who was too preoccupied with trying to wipe his tears to pay attention to you both. 

“You’d betray your King?”

Yoongi’s voice now held a note of finality,

You turned to fully face him, clenching your hand into a fist and drawing it close to your chest.

“Betray him? Any King who’d wish for this is no King of mine!!” 

You snarled, harshly swinging your arm out in a subconscious show of disgusted frustration. 

Yoongi smirked at you suddenly and you found yourself startled as he scoffed in humor. 

“Hmph. I thought you might say that.”

Your eyes searched for him just behind your visor as you grew hopeful. 

“Then…?”

He looked off into the distance for a moment and then turned to you with sharp determination. 

“I owe his Majesty much but not so much I’d soil the Dragoon’s name in his.”

He planted his spear down with finality.

Your eyes widened and you stepped closer to him in excitement.

“Then you’re with me?”

He made sure to meet your gaze and wordlessly nodded twice in support before he turned, this time towards the destruction, and walked past the boy as he spoke, looking out at it. 

“Baron’s army is the mightiest in the world. Our flight means nothing if we remain alone; we must treat with other nations, share what we’ve seen…”

He hesitated and then turned to look at you once more. 

“And Hoseok, he must share our flight.”

Your tone softened in affection for him and you nodded, stepping closer.

“And he will. Thank you.”

He turned away for a moment and mumbled to himself. 

“...I’m not doing this for you.”

You didn’t hear him and tilted your head. 

“Huh?”

Yoongi ignored you however and turned to nod towards the boy.

“Quickly, we mustn’t linger here! What of the boy?”

You didn’t even hesitate. 

“We take him with us.”

After hesitating a moment you approached him where he was still crouched protectively over his mother’s body as Yoongi watched uneasily but stayed where he was. 

“Come, it’s not safe here! Take my hand.” 

You asked gently, holding out your hand to the boy. 

He hopped away from you with a glower. 

“No!!” 

Yoongi growled low in his throat at that.

“We’ve no time; use force if you must!”

He joined you as he ran over and Jimin cowered away in fear disguised as anger. 

“Stay away!”

You held out your hand as Yoongi and you both froze. 

“Wait!” 

The child began running in earnest and Yoongi and you both followed, hot on his heels when he suddenly curled in on himself with a choked sob.

“Leave me alone!” 

He suddenly screeched as blinding white light surged up from beneath his feet and you could feel the magical energy emanating from him. Yoongi had faltered but you kept running, refusing to be responsible for the death of another child. If he harmed you so be it...you deserved it anyway.

“I HATE YOU!!!”

You felt the earth shake violently and you glanced up to see a massive Titan made of pure earth. The Eidolon raised its hands, your eyes widened and you lunged curling your arms around the boy as you crushed him protectively against your chest as hard as you could just as he fell unconscious from exertion. You felt the Titan’s hands come down onto the Blue Planet’s surface hard and your body flew into the air. 

If you were to die then so be it, but let this child survive at least. 

He need not share the payment for your sins.

You slammed against the ground hard several times, but curled your body inward all the more around his tiny body in spite of the pain, praying your armor would be enough to absorb the impact as you finally, mercifully joined the child in unconsciousness.

A/N:  Welp, I hope those that actually read this series enjoy it; I’ve only gotten one rambly review on AO3 that inspired be to keep posting this so thank them if you enjoy this series and I’m not talking to myself. Anyway! Onto fun notes about this chapter! :) 

I find Yoongi’s characterization and his relationship to Reader to be one of the most fun parts to explore thus far for me this chapter as well as how they fight together in a serious battle. I also delved into status effects some as well as the various uses of Potions! Expect more explained uses of items and such as the series goes on! Yoongi’s look hair wise in Daechwita perfectly fits both the OG character Yoongi is based off of(Kain Highwind). Luckily it hit me as I was going through mvs, trying to decide if there was anything that matched Kain’s lucious locks and there it was! 

Also yay!! Official intro for Jimin! I know he’s never had mint hair before but I just had to include the nod to the OG game after doing Yoongi’s so...please bare with me. These are the ones I felt most fit what I was imagining. 

Hope you all enjoy and please leave feedback it’s a huge motivator for me! Much love hope ya’ll are enjoying the influx of content from me lately! <3

[khoicesbyk]

The Royal Romance.

A/N: I’ve decided to go into my own little TRR world and create an AU. This will be fun! So; Talley Ho! *in my Sherlock Holmes voice*

Rated: Explicit. | Contains sexual content and strong language. (You know? The usual from me. 😁) | Bolded and/or italicized words are conversations and thoughts of the characters. | Main Characters: King Marquise Rys (LI) and Queen Shanelle Dawkins (MC) | All Characters and names: (except MC and certain original characters, created by me) are property of Pixelberry.

Current Word Count: 1,980 words.

I made a Drabble! Woooooohoooooo! Go me!

Prompt Time! Today I’m using @wackydrabbles Prompt #73 “Why Did You Do It?” It’ll be in bold in black.

Tag List: @lifeaskim @choiceslady @texaskitten30 @bebepac @glaimtruelovealways @kingliam2019 @txemrn @pixie88 @lucy-268 @hopelessromanticmonie @secretaryunpaid @shanzay44 @choicesfannatalie @wackydrabbles @choicesficwriterscreations

I AM UNAPOLOGETICALLY NSFW! READER DISCRETION IS STRONGLY ADVISED!

As always if you’d like to be added to my tag list. Just reblog or DM me and I will gladly add you! 😁😘

Chapter 18.) The Declaration.

(Italicized words are King Marquise’s POV)

I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard. Tariq SaVion, someone I once considered a good friend, had just announced his intention to take the crown. On the day of my father’s funeral, no less.

“Now I’m sure many of you think that I’m being insensitive to his majesty and The Royal Family. I assure you that is not the case. I too mourn the death of King Father. He was a great man. An impeccable leader. Someone who gave his all for and to Cordonia and her people. May he rest in eternal peace. And I do sincerely extend my heartfelt condolences to them in their time of grief.”

“Unbelievable.” I heard my brother say. I stayed silent, holding Shanelle close to me as I listened.

“I’m not saying that his majesty is or has been a terrible person or monarch. But what I am saying is that his choice in queen has left much to be desired. The court doesn’t approve of nor do they trust her. And with good reason. And if they can’t, then my fellow Cordonians neither can you.”

“Excuse me?! Who the fuck does he is?!” I hear my love say out loud. I love her passion and especially her anger.

“I understand that many of you must be saying the same of me as I am of her. Duchess Shanelle wasn’t the only one involved with the scandal. I was as well. It ruined me. And you have every right to question me. But I can at least say this for myself. I’m a fellow Cordonian. She’s not.”

My grip on Shanelle’s hip tightens ever so slightly. No one talks about my future queen like that.

“Duchess Shanelle is not only not a noble but she’s an American. An absolute outsider! One who thinks that, she can just waltz in and take the monarchy for herself! She knows nothing about Cordonia, her customs or her people. For all we know, she’s a devil in a ball gown.”

“Nuh uh! Compared to him, Shanelle’s an absolute angel!” Maxwell quips. He’s right. My love is an angel.

“We as Cordonians can’t trust her. She’ll lead us to ruin! We must stand up! We must revolt! We must throw her out! Because I can guarantee you that his majesty won’t. He’s too blinded by love to get rid of her. Which is why I am challenging for the throne. Per Legitima successione nobilium, I challenge for the crown. Again, I have no ill will towards King Marquise. This has to do with what is in the best interest of the crown, the people and the country.”

“He can’t do that!” I hear Hana blurt out. She’s standing next to my brother who has a weary look on his face.

“As many of you know I am not a noble. But my future queen is.”

“Future queen?! Who’d be dumb enough to marry him?” Drake asks.

He’s a good man that one. Always loyal. Even to a fault. But Drake was right about one thing. No woman would be stupid enough to marry Tariq. Even if it was for political reasons. Or so I thought. Because a woman did take his side.

“Ladies and gentlemen, my future queen: Duchess Kaitlyn Winslow of House Fierro. Because of her noble house being one of the Great Houses, we will be your next king and queen.”

To say I was shocked is an understatement. I’ve always known that Duchess Kaitlyn was always ambitious but, never in a million years did I think she’d align herself with someone the likes of him. He was always someone I figured that she’d consider beneath her. Joke was clearly on me.

We watched as he turned to her and asked, “my dear would you like to say a few words?”

My jaw clenched as I watched her take to the podium.

“Thank you, my future king. As Tariq mentioned we are challenging for the throne and the crown. And I would like to reiterate that this is not a personal attack on his majesty or The Royal Family. This is a battle for you Cordonia. We can’t have some common foreigner ruling our country. It would put us at great risk as a nation. Our enemies will continue to consider us weak! We can’t have that! So when Tariq reached out to me about a mutually beneficial relationship between us, I instantly agreed. I love our country and her people and I, like my future king would do anything to protect it. Which is why we are calling on all of the great houses to hold a parliamentary election, as they did when King Fabian was crowned.”

“Ohhh you gotta be fucking kidding me! That law hasn’t been used or thought of in 500 years!” Leo said with clear anger and aggravation in his voice.

Although my brother was right, the law no matter how outdated, is still on the books and sadly is still valid. And as king there was nothing I could do to stop them from using it.

“My future king and I will be hosting our own debut at my family’s estate. And we cordially invite all nobles, including his majesty and friends to attend. I can promise that it will be a night that no one will forget.”

I felt Shanelle nuzzling my neck. I could tell that she was extremely upset.

“My future queen and I want to thank each of you in the press for attending our joint press conference and we’d especially like to thank our fellow Cordonians for watching. And to his majesty, may the best man win! Even though I already know that the best man is me.”

After turning off the TV and throwing the remote down, it was over. I couldn’t believe it. I just couldn’t believe it. How dare they challenge me? What’s more, how dare they speak that way about Shanelle?! My angel?! My Goddess?! My Queen?! To say that I’m angry is an understatement. My love still hadn’t said anything about what we just saw and I was beginning to feel concerned.

“Will you all give us a moment?” I ask my friends. With nods they walk out of my study, leaving just me and my queen.

“You’re quiet, my queen.” I say to her.

I could feel her trembling body against my chest. I knew then that she was beyond upset.

“Talk to me, Shanelle.”

She shook her head no.

“Please say something, my love. Don’t let what they said about you, get to you.”

That’s when I felt tears on my left shoulder.

“My queen please don’t cry!” I say as I try to soothe her.

“But they’re right about me.” She says as her voice breaks.

When I tilt her chin up to look into her eyes, I see those beautiful brown eyes filled with tears. I’m both hurt and enraged at that point.

“No they aren’t! They don’t know you like I do. They don’t know your passion, your fire, your drive, your willingness to do and be better than before. They certainly don’t know your incredibly large heart. They don’t know your intelligence. They don’t know your adaptability to changing situations. They don’t know your determination. They don’t know your compassion. My love, there’s more to bring a queen than just ruling.”

“But Marquise the court…the court hates me! They don’t want me here! Your mother said it herself, if they can’t and don’t trust or like me, they won’t be compelled to get their people to like me!” She says as she cries in my arms.

“The court is a fickle thing. One minute they love and embrace you and the next, they hate you with the fury and power of 1,000 suns. That shouldn’t stop you my love.”

I rub her back in an attempt to soothe her cries.

“I don't want to be the reason why you lose everything you have worked for!” She cries to me.

“Shanelle look at me! I want you to know and hear me when I say this, you are not the reason why I could or would possibly lose everything! They are! This is solely on them! Not you! Do you understand?” I ask her.

Irrational as her fears may be to me, they were real to her. And that’s all that matters.

“Yes I understand.” She whispered to me.

“Good. Now we have to go on the offensive. Because unfortunately I can’t stop them from calling on that law.”

“Even though you’re the king?” She asks.

“It may be an ancient and decrepit bylaw but it’s a law. And I as king am forbidden to use my power to go against it.” I reply to her.

I see her cries start to dissipate then eventually they stop. I kiss the remaining tears that fall away.

“Why did you do it?” She asks me. I’m a little confused.

“Do what, my queen?” I ask her.

“Stand here and comfort me, knowing that someone wants to take your crown.”

Damn she’s good.

“Because that’s what a king does. He gives comfort and protection even in his own pain, anger and misery. My father taught me that.”

She smiled at me. God that damn smile. I would do anything just to see it.

“Do you feel better, mon amour?” I ask her.

“Yes or at least I’m trying to be.” She replies.

“That’s all I ask. Listen to me. We will fight this. I promise you that. I will not just lay down and let someone take everything I have earned. This is nothing more than a power grab. They don’t care about the country or its people. The crown and the throne are more than just a birthright to me. They are my responsibility to my family, to my people, to my country, to my own honor and duty and especially to you, my love.”

“I don’t understand. What do you mean to me?” She asks.

“As a king, I have a responsibility to my queen. I am your servant before I am a servant of the people. It is up to me to make sure that you are always fulfilled in every way.” I tell her.

She smiled softly at me. Saints give me the strength to not take her on this desk right here right now.

“I’d say that you’re off to a good start, my king.”

There she is. There’s my queen.

“Good. I’d hate to think I’ve been failing in my duties to you, my queen.”

She had this thoughtful look on her face.

“I wouldn't say that you’ve been failing in your duties. Buuuuuuut you have been slacking.”

“Who?! Me?! What?! How?! When?! Where?!” I ask her.

There it is again. That smile that makes me want to scale an erupting volcano. Okay that’s it, dear God if you’re listening: Help! Me! Before! She! Winds! Up! Being! The! Reason! That! I! Don’t! Make! It! Into! Heaven!

“You never finished kissing me.” She replied.

Phew! Crisis of biblical proportions averted.

“Ohhh my! You’re right my queen! Allow me to rectify this egregious oversight on my part at once!”

God I love the taste of her lips! They much like the rest of her, are always soft, supple and decadent. And that kiss…God forgive my sinful thoughts!

“Much better, my king.”

“Good. Now I have to ask you my queen: are you ready to go to war?” I ask her.

“For you? For us? For our people? For our kingdom and country? Hell yeah!” She replied.

“Excellent! Now I believe we’ve been invited to a farce of a debut. And you know how I just love a good party.”

“Well then it’s settled my king. We have a debut to crash.” She said to me with a sly wink.

God I love this woman!

[itsbenedict]

Two-Faced Jewel supplemental: The Ecumenes and the Gods

Roughly 250 years ago, the world was tightly-linked by teleportation magic. People could visit any city on the Jewel in the blink of an eye, and the idea of national borders was pretty meaningless. Instead, there were distributed, nonlocal governments that competed for citizens.

(If you've read any of Terra Ignota, you'd recognize the hive system.)

The death of teleportation magic has shattered the world into local polities with their own governments, but the six Ecumenes still hold varying sway over the population to varying degrees. Their individual law systems are still largely recognized by local governments, and their cultural impact is felt the world over.

The Ecumenes are, of course, churches of the gods. Below are their profiles, and overviews of their legal systems.

Eman, Windspinner, is the God of Freedom.

Eman is the Ecumene for those with no Ecumene- those who feel no need for the law to protect them, or can't stomach the restrictions of other gods. (Analogous to Blacklaws, in Terra Ignota.) No law will protect you if someone wants you dead, or tries to steal your things- but if you're a dyed-in-the-wool anarchist and believe in your own ability to navigate the world without an authority above you, the Ecumene of Eman will... do nothing whatsoever for you, because it's barely an organization. Typical adherents of Eman are either self-assured warriors, unrepentant violent criminals, or both.

Eman, the god, has a total commitment to autonomy and asks nothing of his worshippers. His clerics do, as is their ultimate inviolable commandment: whatever they want. Typically, though, the sort of person whose mind is similar enough to Eman's to be capable of channeling his divinity as a cleric... cares a lot about the freedom of others, and goes about trying to prevent other authorities from unlawfully enforcing laws on Emanites.

Andra, Veilpiercer, is the Deity of Understanding.

Andra is a pretty standard deity of wisdom and knowledge and all that- nothing unexpected there. They just want to know everything, and value learning new things!

The governance of the Ecumene of Understanding is very interested in empiricism. They want to know what the best form of government is, and do that, instead of picking one way of doing government and sticking with that no matter how badly it backfires. So they run experiments!

Under Andra, there's no such thing as a law that doesn't have an intended outcome, a standard for measuring whether it met that outcome, and a deadline to measure the outcome by or else repeal the law. As a result... the legal code is constantly changing based on heated arguments between politicians and armchair legal theorists (between which there is little distinction) over whether targets were met. And what this means is that the legal code is in constant flux, and you basically need to be a part-time lawyer to keep up with the laws governing you.

Making matters worse, teleportation and long-distance communication broke, and so geographically distant Andra polities now need to work harder to stay in sync. The Ecumene of Andra, therefore, is the major force behind the building of roads, and the sponsoring of adventurers who do the hard work of forging through the wilderness to deliver messages. They sponsor the Deathseekers' Guild, a brotherhood of monster hunters that take on the most dangerous prey they can find.

Typical adherents are academics, adventurers, and people who think they're smart enough to keep up.

Diamode, Fruitbearer, is the Goddess of Family.

Diamode has a plan for you! You go to school, obey your parents, graduate and get married, buy a house in the suburbs, have 2-3 children, care for them, retire, be cared for by them, and die. That's the plan. Their legal code encourages filial piety and conformity to this perfect way to live your life. Tax breaks for married couples, credits for having children- be fruitful and multiply! It's sort of the bastard child of Confucianism and protestant Christianity- it would absolutely be the most popular ecumene in the US, if that were how such things worked.

Typical adherents of Diamode are... there's only one typical adherent of Diamode, because the whole point is being the one way Diamode wants you to be.

Iska, Peakstrider, is the Goddess of Triumph.

Iska values self-improvement above all else- becoming Better, developing skills, climbing that ladder. There's no point to living if you're not trying to be the best at what you do! If it makes you stronger, it's the right thing to do!

Unsurprisingly, this is a popular goddess amongst warlords and merchants, who like having a divine mandate to enrich themselves at the expense of others. Iska only cares that you're winning- if someone else is losing, that's not her problem. They get whatever they deserved for being worse at whatever the conflict was about!

Iska's legal system is based on a sort of complicated virtue-ethical rubric. The winner of a legal dispute isn't the person who acted least criminally- the winner is whoever is the better person. And the criteria for who's "better" are set by people in power in the Ecumene of Triumph, which means "better" tends towards "more like the people in power", and "less like the enemies of the people in power". It's a fairly degenerate system, full of lots of infighting.

Ccorde, Skyholder, is the Goddess of Harmony.

Back when the gods were creating the world, Ccorde was responsible for keeping them all on the same page. She arbitrated disputes and authored compromises that would keep the gods on-task and creating something stable. She's... the reason the world isn't a Snarl, if you're familiar with OotS. She wants everyone to get along.

Everyone who's a god, anyway. She kinda likes it when people get along, but her number one priority is making sure people don't fuck up the world she worked so hard to broker. She has a lot of rules around how people are allowed to change and interact with nature, and she leans towards the hyperconservative with respect to the environment. She wants this world to be exactly the way it is, forever, and is annoyed by ways in which it changes.

Unlike most of the rest of the gods, Ccorde is fairly active in the management of her Ecumene. The rest have all moved on to the latest hot new world everyone's obsessed with, leaving Ccorde to conduct the busywork of keeping all their boring old worlds running smoothly. It's thankless and borderline futile work- big things like teleportation magic keep breaking, and she can't fix them on her own.

Typical adherents of Ccorde are druids, naturalists, and other hippies that love animals and being in tune with the environment and stuff. Ccorde's Ecumene is also one of the more competently-run bureaucracies around, and has a lot of non-ideological adherents despite its strict rules. Because the system works, dammit- without demanding as much from you as Diamode.

Karou, Heartlifter, is the God of Joy.

The Ecumene of Joy are hedonists. Hedonic utilitarians, to be precise. They eschew other considerations in favor of the basic observation that people ought to be happy and if your government doesn't help its people be happy then what the fuck is even the point of a government?

Implementing those principles, though, can be a bit of a mess. Working out complicated legal codes is boring and not fun, so their system for resolving legal disputes is "have a cleric of Karou personally evaluate what course of action would result in the most utility on net".

In the real world this would be a disaster- a system immediately captured by power-hungry narcissists who set themselves up as the people who decide what course of action is best. Luckily for the Ecumene of Joy, they have a pretty decent selection process for their leaders.

See, in order to be a cleric of any god in this world, you need to fulfill a specific requirement. What a cleric actually does is channel divinity, see. The gods are busy people! They don't have time to personally investigate each and every little issue their clerics bother them with. They're just people, ultimately- they don't have the spare brainpower. So they have to borrow brainpower- specifically from people who are, cognitively, near-identical to themselves. The more like a god you are, the more easily that god can borrow your brainpower and instantiate themselves on your hardware. Casting divine magic, in this setting, is literally becoming your god for a little while in order to do something your god wants done. That's what it takes to be a cleric!

Since you can't cast divine magic without being totally in sync with your god, you can't be a power-hungry selfish bastard and also be a cleric of Joy- because Karou isn't a power-hungry selfish bastard. He's the god of hedonic utilitarianism, and will make a good-faith effort to resolve a dispute happily every time.

(It doesn't always work, though, since Karou is not the God of Being Correct About Predicted Consequences All The Time, and clerical error is always a source of difficulty for the Ecumene.)

Other Gods

The six Ecumenes are the only organized god-worshipping organizations that run governments, but there are loads of other gods- they just don't involve themselves in legislation. It's fairly common for someone to belong to a particular Ecumene just for the government, but worship one or more other gods as a matter of personal faith.

Alanala, Waveracer, for instance, is the Deity of Tides, with dominion over the surface of the waters. They're commonly worshipped by sailors, for obvious reasons- and in particular, the Lastwave clan that controls Oyashio.

Lolth is a classic- Webstretcher, Goddess of Spiders, is worshipped by the drow. She's known for dark rituals and cannibalism and other evil type things. (The drow diaspora regards these as hateful rumors, and insist that Lolth is a benevolent figure who promotes togetherness. The consensus among right and proper elves is that this is a smokescreen and that the blood libel is super true. Hrm.)

And... ?????? ? What's this symbol? It's on the bracer that's bonded to Saelhen, but it doesn't represent any god Looseleaf's ever heard of. Maybe not all the gods show themselves to the people...

[welllpthisishappening]

Welllp These Are Books: the March 2021 Edition

There aren’t even any pictures! Except in that one book where there were pictures! It was weird! This was a weird book month! Back at it again with thoughts and opinions about a whole mess of books that no one explicitly asked for, but I’ve got lots of thoughts and opinions and they only count if I share them on the internet. Seriously, someone let me go to a baseball game soon. Obligatory warning for spoilers and vaguely unhinged rants under the cut. As always, feel free to come tell me what else I should be reading at literally any time ever.

Best Book of the Month Honors Goes to This Book, Even Though They Called It Halftime at a Hockey Game. A Hockey Game!

The Dating Plan by Sara Desai

Daisy Patel is a software engineer who understands lists and logic better than bosses and boyfriends. With her life all planned out, and no interest in love, the one thing she can't give her family is the marriage they expect. Left with few options, she asks her childhood crush to be her decoy fiancé. Liam Murphy is a venture capitalist with something to prove. When he learns that his inheritance is contingent on being married, he realizes his best friend's little sister has the perfect solution to his problem. A marriage of convenience will get Daisy's matchmaking relatives off her back and fulfill the terms of his late grandfather's will. If only he hadn’t broken her tender teenage heart nine years ago… Sparks fly when Daisy and Liam go on a series of dates to legitimize their fake relationship. Too late, they realize that very little is convenient about their arrangement. History and chemistry aren't about to follow the rules of this engagement.

— Ok, it’s important to know that I really did love this book. It hit all my trope-wants. Childhood friends, incredibly stupid misunderstandings, pining, seriously God the pining, fake engagement, BANTER. It was all going great. I was occasionally swooning. They kept making out! And then! THEN. They went to a hockey game. On a date. A fake date. Cool, cool, cool. All tropes, all the time right? Not so fast, internet! Because these self-proclaimed Sharks SUPER FANS referred to intermission as “halftime was coming up.” Halftime! At a hockey game! That’s—that’s not how hockey works! If this hadn’t been “traditionally” published, I probably could have let it slide. But that was not the case. This was a “real” book with, I can only assume, real editors. All of whom saw the words halftime and hockey near each other and we’re like YEAH, PRINT THAT SHIT. I read that at nearly one in the morning and seriously considered waking Justin up to be like CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS IN A REAL BOOK? Anyway, it was still real cute. Everyone lived happily ever after. It made want to eat samosas.

This Book Had Pictures, It Was Weird

Clean Sweep by Ilona Andrews

On the outside, Dina Demille is the epitome of normal. She runs a quaint Victorian Bed and Breakfast in a small Texas town, owns a Shih Tzu named Beast, and is a perfect neighbor, whose biggest problem should be what to serve her guests for breakfast. But Dina is...different:  Her broom is a deadly weapon; her Inn is magic and thinks for itself. Meant to be a lodging for otherworldly visitors, the only permanent guest is a retired Galactic aristocrat who can’t leave the grounds because she’s responsible for the deaths of millions and someone might shoot her on sight. Under the circumstances, "normal" is a bit of a stretch for Dina.

And now, something with wicked claws and deepwater teeth has begun to hunt at night...Feeling responsible for her neighbors, Dina decides to get involved. Before long, she has to juggle dealing with the annoyingly attractive, ex-military, new neighbor, Sean Evans—an alpha-strain werewolf—and the equally arresting cosmic vampire soldier, Arland, while trying to keep her inn and its guests safe. But the enemy she’s facing is unlike anything she’s ever encountered before. It’s smart, vicious, and lethal, and putting herself between this creature and her neighbors might just cost her everything.

— So, Ilona Andrews is a name that keeps coming up because when I borrow a book from the library I have to go through Kindle and Amazon is like...here are some other absurd fantasy romances you’d enjoy. Also, one of her other series had been recc’ed to me. Only problem? The first book in that series is the only book in that series not available at my library. So, I was like, ok, I’ll start this one instead. It was...weird. Honestly, it felt like I’d been dropped in the middle of the story and the narrator was like, well why don’t you already know what’s going on? In theory the world building was cool. (I was not expecting alien werewolves, lemme tell you that!) But also it all felt very rushed and the end just sorta happened.

In Which I Continue to Love “Same Verse” Books & No One Else Had Sex in the Port Jeff High School Dugout. For Which I Was Grateful

Love Her or Lose Her by Tessa Bailey

Rosie and Dominic Vega are the perfect couple: high school sweethearts, best friends, madly in love. Well, they used to be anyway. Now Rosie’s lucky to get a caveman grunt from the ex-soldier every time she walks in the door. Dom is faithful and a great provider, but the man she fell in love with ten years ago is nowhere to be found. When her girlfriends encourage Rosie to demand more out of life and pursue her dream of opening a restaurant, she decides to demand more out of love, too. Three words: marriage boot camp.

Never in a million years did Rosie believe her stoic, too-manly-to-emote husband would actually agree to relationship rehab with a weed-smoking hippie. Dom talking about feelings? Sitting on pillows? Communing with nature? Learning love languages? Nope. But to her surprise, he’s all in, and it forces her to admit her own role in their cracked foundation. As they complete one ridiculous—yet surprisingly helpful—assignment after another, their remodeled relationship gets stronger than ever. Except just as they’re getting back on track, Rosie discovers Dom has a secret... and it could demolish everything.

— Listen, one of my absolutely favorite tropes that I do not think gets enough love in the world is COMMITTED LONG-LASTING RELATIONSHIPS. And, like, ok, sure the premise of this was that they were separating in that long-lasting relationship. But no one really believed that, did they? Rosie and Dominic were real cute and their banter was good and I wasn’t totally skeeved out when they literally fucked on the kitchen floor. So, I think that’s saying something. Also, also! I seriously appreciated the realism of this book because no one on Long Island would ever call Manhattan Manhattan. It’s the city. Every other borough gets a name, but Manhattan is just the city and I nearly cheered when they said that. But also, no one’s taking a cab from Port Jeff to the Meatpacking District. You know what that would cost? God.

Tools of Engagement by Tessa Bailey

Hair, makeup, clothing, decor... everything in Bethany Castle's world is organized, planned, and styled to perfection. Which is why the homes she designs for her family's real estate business are the most coveted in town. The only thing not perfect? Her track record with men. She's on a dating hiatus and after helping her friends achieve their dreams, Bethany finally has time to focus on her own: flip a house, from framework to furnishings, all by herself. Except her older brother runs the company and refuses to take her seriously.

When a television producer gets wind of the Castle sibling rivalry, they’re invited on Flip Off, a competition to see who can do the best renovation. Bethany wants bragging rights, but she needs a crew and the only member of her brother's construction team willing to jump ship is Wes Daniels, the new guy in town. His Texas drawl and handsome face got under Bethany's skin on day one, and the last thing she needs is some cocky young cowboy in her way.

As the race to renovate heats up, Wes and Bethany are forced into close quarters, trading barbs and biting banter as they remodel the ugliest house on the block. It's a labor of love, hate, and everything in between, and soon sparks are flying. But Bethany's perfectly structured life is one kiss away from going up in smoke and she knows falling for a guy like Wes would be a flipping disaster.

— It should first be noted that in the three books of this series, I could not and cannot understand why Bethany’s brother was such a monumental dick. He was just...he was a dick. His marriage was awful. How long was his wife pregnant without him knowing???? I digress. This continued to be cute, Bethany was a legit heroine as far as those rom-com things go, Wes was very Texas and that got a little over the top, but they had sex in a bed like normal people so that helped. Oh, except that one time on the construction site. Whatever, this book was cute. This whole series was cute, really, and I was a big fan of the happy little wrap-everything-up with a bow ending.

Romance That Happens In Point Two Seconds Is...Unbelievable

Too Hot to Handle by Tessa Bailey

The road trip was definitely a bad idea. Having already flambéed her culinary career beyond recognition, Rita Clarkson is now stranded in God-Knows-Where, New Mexico, with a busted-ass car and her three temperamental siblings, who she hasn't seen in years. When rescue shows up---six-feet-plus of hot, charming sex on a motorcycle---Rita's pretty certain she's gone from the frying pan right into the fire . . . Jasper Ellis has a bad boy reputation in this town, and he loathes it. The moment he sees Rita, though, Jasper knows he's about to be sorely tempted. There's something real between them. Something raw. And Jasper has only a few days to show Rita that he isn't just for tonight---he's forever.

— For as much as I loved the Port Jeff series by my new pal Tessa, this one was...oof. Too much, guys. Too much. Fucking in trucks. Fucking in back offices. The whole book lasted, like, three days. And keep in mind this is coming from someone who has written like two million words about Killian Jones, self-loathing champ 250 years running, but Jasper’s self-loathing was a little over the top. Like, let’s not objectify dudes, but also...I don’t know guys. Maybe the other books in the series are better? I was mostly just annoyed by Rita.

What the Hell Happened at the End of This Book?? Seriously, I Have No Idea

The Queen’s Assassin by Melissa de la Cruz

Caledon Holt is the kingdom's deadliest weapon. No one alive can best him in speed, strength, or brains, which is why he's the Hearthstone Guild's most dangerous member. Cal is also the Queen's Assassin, bound to her by magic and unable to leave her service until the task she's set for him is fulfilled. Shadow of the Honey Glade has been training all her life to join the Guild, hoping that one day she'll become an assassin as feared and revered as Cal. But Shadow's mother and aunts expect her to serve the crown as a lady of the Renovian Court. When a surprise attack brings Shadow and Cal together, they're forced to team up as assassin and apprentice. Even though Shadow's life belongs to the court and Cal's belongs to the queen, they cannot deny their attraction to each other. But now, with war on the horizon and true love at risk, Shadow and Cal will uncover a shocking web of lies that will change their paths forever.

—WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED AT THE END OF THIS BOOK??? I figured out the so-called twist like...two chapters in. Fine, ok, whatever. It’s YA, this is not rocket science and I was interested enough in Cale and Shadow to see how it all played out. Only it didn’t really play out! Because the whole end was just this like four chapter retcon of basically EVERYTHING ELSE THAT HAPPENED and I genuinely could not believe it was happening. It didn’t make sense?!? Like with the plot? Also, spoiler, good thing Shadow and the other king haven’t consummated their marriage yet since she and Cale totally fucked after her wedding? What is YA? Why is Amazon telling me this is a Teacher’s Pick? Why hasn’t my hold come through on the sequel yet so I know what happens next?

Low-Stakes Romance Was Real Boring and All The People Were Boring In It

The Ten Rules for Faking It by Sophie Sullivan

As birthdays go, this year’s for radio producer Everly Dean hit rock-bottom. Worse than the “tonsillectomy birthday.” Worse than the birthday her parents decided to split (the first time). But catching your boyfriend cheating on you with his assistant? Even clichés sting. But this is Everly’s year! She won’t let her anxiety hold her back. She’ll pitch her podcast idea to her boss. There’s just one problem. Her boss, Chris, is very cute. (Of course). Also, he's extremely distant (which means he hates her, right? Or is that the anxiety talking)? And, Stacey the DJ didn’t mute the mic during Everly’s rant about Simon the Snake (syn: Cheating Ex). That’s three problems. Suddenly, people are lining up to date her, Bachelorette-style, fans are voting (Reminder: never leave house again), and her interest in Chris might be a two-way street. It’s a lot for a woman who could gold medal in people-avoidance. She’s going to have to fake it ‘till she makes it to get through all of this. Perhaps she’ll make a list: The Ten Rules for Faking It. 

— I am a broken record. Shouting. From the highest hilltop. Just because you think someone is cute when you’re technically not supposed to be dating them does not mean you get to be anything less than nice around them! It’s not cute! And part two, which often goes with part one: rom com dudes have GOT to stop lying or hiding or otherwise avoiding telling people who they really are. It’s a convoluted, passably lazy way of writing and dropping a third-act bomb on the story. Don’t do it. Stop doing it. We’ve moved past the need for hidden identities. Unless he’s, like, a spy or something. Um...this was a weird book. I know Everly had anxiety and that became a PLOT POINT, patent pending, but she was also not super relatable? Which is crazy considering my very real, rather undiagnosed anxiety. Chris was boring. The whole plot, as this title suggests, was very low stakes and no one actually  seemed to remember that their jobs were ever on the line? Did Everly and Chris have a conversation before they decided they liked each other? Who can say, really.

Shipped by Angie Hockman

Between taking night classes for her MBA and her demanding day job at a cruise line, marketing manager Henley Evans barely has time for herself, let alone family, friends, or dating. But when she’s shortlisted for the promotion of her dreams, all her sacrifices finally seem worth it. The only problem? Graeme Crawford-Collins, the remote social media manager and the bane of her existence, is also up for the position. Although they’ve never met in person, their epic email battles are the stuff of office legend. Their boss tasks each of them with drafting a proposal on how to boost bookings in the Galápagos—best proposal wins the promotion. There’s just one catch: they have to go on a company cruise to the Galápagos Islands...together. But when the two meet on the ship, Henley is shocked to discover that the real Graeme is nothing like she imagined. As they explore the Islands together, she soon finds the line between loathing and liking thinner than a postcard. With her career dreams in her sights and a growing attraction to the competition, Henley begins questioning her life choices. Because what’s the point of working all the time if you never actually live?

— YOU NEED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE TO DECIDE YOU LIKE THEM. AUTHORS REALLY REALLY NEED TO LEARN HOW TO BUILD ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS. IF THEY ONLY LIKE EACH OTHER BECAUSE THEY KISS WELL IT’S NOT A GOOD RELATIONSHIP. AND THIS IS COMING FROM ME. Back at it again with the annoying so-called heroine who was just...occasionally real mean to Graem for no reason at all? Also her name was Henley. Which is not a great reason to dislike her, but here we are.

Apparently I Read These Books Out Of Order. Who Knew?

Pride, Prejudice and Other Flavors by Sonali Dev

It is a truth universally acknowledged that only in an overachieving Indian American family can a genius daughter be considered a black sheep.

Dr. Trisha Raje is San Francisco’s most acclaimed neurosurgeon. But that’s not enough for the Rajes, her influential immigrant family who’s achieved power by making its own non-negotiable rules:

·       Never trust an outsider

·       Never do anything to jeopardize your brother’s political aspirations

·       And never, ever, defy your family

Trisha is guilty of breaking all three rules. But now she has a chance to redeem herself. So long as she doesn’t repeat old mistakes.

Up-and-coming chef DJ Caine has known people like Trisha before, people who judge him by his rough beginnings and place pedigree above character. He needs the lucrative job the Rajes offer, but he values his pride too much to indulge Trisha’s arrogance. And then he discovers that she’s the only surgeon who can save his sister’s life.

As the two clash, their assumptions crumble like the spun sugar on one of DJ’s stunning desserts. But before a future can be savored there’s a past to be reckoned with...

A family trying to build home in a new land.

A man who has never felt at home anywhere.

And a choice to be made between the two.

— Surprise, apparently this was the first book in the series. I did not know. It didn’t affect my enjoyment of the Persuasion version in this same ‘verse, which is also strange because I liked the Persuasion one way better. There was a lot of medical in this. And not super uplifting medical, either. This was like...oh the Jane character (I guess???) has cancer and either she’s going to go blind after having a surgery (also she was an artist, so you see how this was a problem) or she’s just going to decide to die. Wait, what? That came out of left field, really. Also DJ and Trisha were not nice to each other. Like, I know this is Pride and Prejudice so there has to be some of that at the start, but it wasn’t like Trisha ever really went through the Darcy-required time at Pemberly. She just decided she liked DJ and told him and it was as awkward as Jane Austen intended it, but then we got more medical and everything was cool. It felt very rushed and shoehorned into a modern setting and the Persuasion one was better. You can’t have Darcy’s growth without the Pemberly stuff. You just can’t.

In Which I Didn’t Like a Nickname??? Is the World Ending??

Crazy Stupid Bromance by Lyssa Kay Adams

Alexis Carlisle and her cat café, ToeBeans, have shot to fame after she came forward as a victim of a celebrity chef’s sexual harassment. When a new customer approaches to confide in her, the last thing Alexis expects is for the woman to claim they’re sisters. Unsure what to do, Alexis turns to the only man she trusts—her best friend, Noah Logan.   Computer genius Noah left his rebellious teenage hacker past behind to become a computer security expert. Now he only uses his old skills for the right cause. But Noah’s got a secret: He’s madly in love with Alexis. When she asks for his help, he wonders if the timing will ever be right to confess his crush.   Noah’s pals in The Bromance Book Club are more than willing to share their beloved “manuals” to help him go from bud to boyfriend. But he must decide if telling the truth is worth risking the best friendship he’s ever had.

— If Noah was going to call her Lexa, then her name should have been Alexa and not Alexis. That’s it and that’s all. Also, the story was n u t s. Estranged dads and kidney failure and they got together so fast in this book. Which usually is cool by me, but I really could not get over the nickname and the estranged family was mean to Alexis. Lexa. HER NAME SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALEXA, IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. Also Noah was a former hacker? The estranged family accused him corporate espionage or something? A lot happened in this book, guys. Her name should have been Alexa.

Dumb Brother Was Dumb™ Everyone Else Was Real Cute

The Off Limits Rule by Sarah Adams

I have found rock bottom. It's here, moving in with my older brother because I'm too broke to afford to live on my own. It's okay though, because we've always been close and I think I'm going to have fun living with him again.

 That is until I meet Cooper...

 Turns out, my brother has very strong opinions on the idea of me dating his best friend and is dead set against it. According to him, Cooper is everything I should stay away from: flirtatious, adventurous, non-committal, and freaking hot. (I added that last part because I feel like you need the whole picture.) My brother is right--I should stay away from Cooper James and his pretty blue eyes. He's the opposite of what I need right now.

 Nah--who am I kidding? I'm going for it.

— This was cute, mostly mindless fluff. Hit some trope high points, including, obviously, best friends sister. Only the brother in question was a Neanderthal and I really thought people were going to make out more while said brother was on his business trip. I got it for free off Amazon. Which I think should explain a lot. Like, story-wise. Sorry, free Amazon books. Don’t be insulted.

Prose, Prose, Prose, Please Someone Have a Conversation

Trick by Natalia Jaster

In the Kingdom of Spring, Poet is renowned. He's young and pretty, a lover of men and women. He performs for the court, kisses like a scoundrel, and mocks with a silver tongue. Yet allow him this: It's only the most cunning and manipulative soul who can play the fool. For beyond the castle walls, Poet guards a secret. One the Crown would shackle him for. One that he'll risk everything to protect. Alas, it will take more than clever words to deceive Princess Briar. Convinced that he's juggling lies as well as verse, this righteous nuisance of a girl is determined to expose him. But not all falsehoods are fiendish. Poet's secret is delicate, binding the jester and princess in an unlikely alliance—and kindling a breathless attraction, as alluring as it is forbidden.

— The purplest of prose. Mauve prose. Royal purple prose. Lavender prose. There was so much writing here. So much. Too much, some might say. I say. Actually. If we want to get specific. And that was a shame, really, because when Briar and Poet actually had a conversation, they were interesting to read about. Also, the world building here? Yeeeesh. The so-called, wait for it, FOOL TRADE played a prominent role and that was...super cringe. Super Cringe. That being said, I asked Justin what I should read next and he thought it was funny that a book was just called...

Dare by Natalia Jaster

In the Kingdom of Summer, they say she's wild. Locked in a cage by the sea, Flare dreams of escape. She dreams of a lost world, known only in legends. The island is calling to her. And she won't let anyone keep her from it. Especially not him. They say he's cruel. Jeryn has crossed the ocean for the Trade, to bargain for those fierce, imprisoned creatures that make his skin crawl. By law, they're subjects meant for experimentation. And easy to despise. One girl in particular. But on the cusp of transport, the tide rages. That hidden island awaits. Stranded, the prince and prisoner must fight to survive. In a mysterious rainforest, they must band together...if they don't slay one another first. Or become something more to each other.  Something just as dangerous.

— This was Justin’s fault. He could not believe this book was just called Dare. It should have been called “We’re going to weirdly force what is basically slavery into this story and then a prince is going to fall in love with an escaped slave and we’re also going to call that ROMANCE.” y i k e s. Remember that one story that took place over three days? This was the complete opposite. Years! They were shipwrecked for years! They got saved, spoilers, the DAY they started having sex. What are the odds, right?? And then MORE YEARS passed. Multiple years! Five years! They couldn’t actually be together because of that aforementioned slave trade. What the shit, man? Natalia, ya gotta be kidding me with this. The internet claimed Trick was good and a solid follow to reading ACOTAR and that there was this whole verse and it was also good. The internet was wrong.

Nothing Happened, Everything Happened, I...Hated It

Graceling by Kristin Cashore

Kristin Cashore’s bestselling, award-winning fantasy Graceling tells the story of the vulnerable-yet-strong Katsa, a smart, beautiful teenager who lives in a world where selected people are given a Grace, a special talent that can be anything from dancing to swimming. Katsa’s is killing. As the king’s niece, she is forced to use her extreme skills as his thug. Along the way, Katsa must learn to decipher the true nature of her Grace… and how to put it to good use. A thrilling, action-packed fantasy adventure (and steamy romance!) that will resonate deeply with adolescents trying to find their way in the world.

— I can’t believe this was a book. Katsa was so annoying! Like, listen, I know her life was sad. And she was a pawn being used against her will. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever. The tone of the whole book was so strangely formal and Poe was strangely in love with Katsa? Who obviously didn’t want to get married because she was WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR. Or kill people, as the case may be. Only she wanted to make out with Poe? Only ONLY they didn’t even really get together at the end? I could not believe the end of this book. I nearly threw my Kindle across the room. Once again, no apologies for spoilers because do not read this book, but HE WAS BLIND? Katsa had to leave him behind to save his cousin and he just ENDED UP BEING BLIND? AND THEY NEVER GOT TOGETHER REALLY?? What the fuck? Seriously. Steamy romance, my ass. Nothing happened. The villain got defeated in point two seconds. There are other books in this universe? No, thanks.

[myfandomrambles]

Adora, Catra & Trauma (Pt2)

(Part 1) (Part 3) (Part 4)

Full Show

An Analysis of the way Catra & Adora are affected by their respective traumatic experiences.

Relationships With Others:

Adora:

Adora works to be of use to other people and to be liked. She wants to impress people and to be “good enough”. Her sense of self and self-worth is completely tied up in how others view her; this is based on the identity destabilization and unhealthy schemas from disorganized attachment style. Disorganized attachment is born from Shadow Weaver, her mother figure and primary attachment, was psychologically abusive and formed a person who was not always safe to return to. Adora while didn’t form a complete distrust or others in a fight way but truly flees or fawns to the person she wants to attach to. Her attunement is strong for the most part but it is easily broken. 

Princess Alliance

Adora doesn’t have distinct relationships to most of the princess alliance. She regards them with loyalty and affection but doesn’t seem to have attachments past the need to be the ideal of She Ra. Adora’s interactions with most of the other princesses are filtered through her identity issues. 

Adora's interaction with Entrapta stands out the most because they have more one on one interactions and spend time on the same and on opposing sides. There are periods of stronger emotion like guilt, then a mostly apathetic confrontation to being able to work together. 

Light Hope & Queen Angella

Light hope and Angella both fill the void left by Shadow Weaver who is her commander and mother respectively. 

Light Hope starts being a person Adora searches out to give her some sort of answer and then continues to look to her for orders. Adora falls into a state of objectification due Light Hope treating Adora as mostly a weapon to act out her programming. Adora is generally willing to follow her and even starts to be casual with her, seen in Protocol (4x05). Adora wants to do well and be better than what she understands Mara to be starting in Light Hope (1x12). Adora goes to her for answers most notably when in The Coronation (4x01) Shadow Weaver reveals Adora is a First One. 

Adora feels betrayed when in Hero (4x09) she learns that being She Ra in the way Light Hope pushed her was harmful. Not only does this sever her relationship it also causes more identity issues and is a re-traumatization of betrayal trauma.

They have a confrontation in Destiny pt 2 (4x13) were Adora stands up and tries to assert her identity, and the part of Light Hope that did care for her shine through and tell Adora to shatter the sword. All of these experiences leave Adora feeling more objectified, guilty and with another betrayal wound. 

Angella stands in for the mother part of Shadow Weaver and is a healthier version. Angella starts off holding Adora not becoming emotionally close or trusting. Adora doesn’t try to get emotionally close but does search for trust. We see this in Adora’s open willingness to lose everything to rescue Glimmer (No Princess Left Behind 1x09)

They don’t interact much but during season 3 Adora offers respect and Angella tends to return it. In The Price of Power (3x01) we see Angella protect Adora. Understanding the pain and trauma Adora went through enough to try and stop Shadow Weaver from getting to talk to Adora. 

During The Portal (3x06) Angella tells Adora how brave she has been and gives her life up to protect everyone and in Adora's place saving her life. Angella gives the parting comfort of holding Adora's face a similar action to one Shadow Weaver uses but there is compassion behind it. She also gives the parting advice of “take care of each other” one Adora fully misunderstands. The reason they never fully attached was partially Angella’s preoccupation with her own daughter and also Adora’s internalized need to be a hero and objectification. They never gain a healthy motherly nor mentor ability to attune. These are why Adora reads her “take care of each other” wording to be Adora must take care of Glimmer. 

Bow

Bow and Adora generally have stable relationships, never having a moment of severe rupture in their relationships. Bow generally is friendly and supportive to Adora and most people in both their group dynamics and one-on-one bonds. In the final few episodes of season 4 and beginning of season 5, we see that Bow and Adora get along well acting as a duo. One of the main ways this dynamic show is how Bow cared for Adora when she was failing to take care of herself in Horde Prime (5x01) and Launch (5x02). Bow doesn’t always understand but cares greatly and is the primary partner when it comes to dealing with First One's technology.

They have different ways of handling situations and people like in season 4 when Adora’s is focused solely in solving her own destiny and stopping the heart whereas Bow is searching for Entrapta because he doesn’t believe in leaving “friends” behind. Seen in Beast Island (4x11) when Bow attempted to get Entrapta with a sappy speech and Adora is pragmatic. Adora also comments of Bow’s social intelligence is different from hers in Stranded (5x4)

Overall, Bow while not always understanding is generally supportive and able to give Adora strength via his pep talks. 

Glimmer

Adora and Glimmer’s relationship is generally strong and displays healthy dynamics in season 1-3 and again in season 5. During season 4 they experience an episode of relational rupture. The main issues underlying this rupture are the loss of queen Angella’s and the disparate ways they believe they ought to be leading. 

Adora was told to “take care of each other” by Angella in The Portal (3x06) but interpreted this as “take care of you [Glimmer]” (The Coronation, 4x01). Adora takes this seriously having spent her whole life as a protector and leader. Being a protector is a core belief of Adora's along with being compelled to honor a woman she respected. Glimmer is deeply affected by the loss of her mother and pushed herself to properly fill her shoes as queen and be a proper general. They are both absorbed in their respective grief. 

The other layer shows up in what they do when it comes to the war against the Horde. Adora is working to be the concept of She-Ra this can sometimes lead to blind spots on what others are doing. Glimmer on the other hand often misunderstands Adora’s need to be She Ra and sometimes forgets how to explain her needs. Glimmer is also more willing to play real war where Adora is in the magic realm. 

These issues cause strife up until Glimmer angrily pushes Adora too far in Boys' Night Out (4x08) blaming her for the loss of Angella. Adora is understandably hurt and then tries to hyper-focus on having to save the day. She falls back on the pattern of implicit memories of being the martyr and hero. 

Glimmer’s angry words mirror Catra's from their past. Centering on needing to be the hero. With both of them, it’s a slight misread of what Adora actually needs to do. She does need to be the hero, the leader, and save the day but not because she is self-important but because that is what she has built her entire identity on from when she was a child. She has experienced objectification her entire life and changing from this perspective isn’t something easily done. Glimmer and Adora both feel the need to prove something and carry weight too big for them and Glimmer lashes out while Adora lashes in making Adora obsessed with saving everyone 

Glimmer tries hard to support Adora in season 5 and is willing to do repair work from her mistreatment in Boys Night Out (4x08) and her mistakes in Destiny pt 1/2 (4x12-13). Adora is willing to let Glimmer back in easily, some of that might be Adora not focusing on her own hurt but was also healing. 

Glimmer and Adora went through a deep time of grief and strife and came out with a strong bond and maintained their care for each other. 

Catra

Adora’s relationship with Catra is the most defining one. This relationship depicts a romance torn apart by war as well as showing two children in an abusive family. This dynamic is part of the complexity of their attachments.  

Catra was Adora's primary attachment following Shadow Weaver, being her mother. From being a baby Catra was her primary relationship and her only source of love. In conjunction with their attachments they fill roles in an abusive family, Adora plays the golden child and Catra is the scapegoat. Shadow Weaver and The Horde pushed Adora to feel responsible for protecting Catra. Another layer to this is how Shadow Weaver set up Catra as essentially belonging to Adora (Promise 1x11). 

Adora and Catra's disparate views on Shadow Weaver and the Horde system caused strife between them as Adora wanted to be the leader, hero and was often given this title which forced to Catra feel sidelined. Adora is not always aware of what she is doing or how she is affecting Catra emotionally as well as struggling to understand Catra (Sword Pt 1 1x01, Promise 1x11, Corridors 5x03). But the intention isn’t to be upsetting to Catra but to fulfill her duty and show her love. 

Adora has attachment trauma caused by her upbringing, and she heavily shares this with Cata to be inherently disorganized and breeds traumatic bonding, neither is at fault. After their relational rupture in the start of season 1, Adora continuously wants to be with Catra still as she is her primary attachment and someone she loves deeply.  

However, even with the attachment trauma related to each other, we see Adora be willing to maintain some boundaries making Catra open up to her in the end. Putting her needs first after The Portal incident. (Remember & Portal 3x05-6). 

We see the relationship’s strength in Save The Cat (5x05) Adora being able to break through the effects of the medical and psychological abuse and showing both strength and vulnerability. In Taking Control (5x06) we get some of the strongest relationships scenes of Adora meeting Catra halfway but requiring Catra offering back the strength and vulnerability Adora gave. (Save The Cat & Taking Control 5x05-6)

In the next few episodes, we see them bond and Adora fall back into a mostly easy connection with her closest friend. In Failsafe (5x11) we see Adora being willing to admit she needs Catra and tries to rebuff Shadow Weaver’s attempted manipulation of their connection. We see Adora lose so much strength when Catra leaves again. Their relationships deep connection and Catra's ability to remind Adora she has something to live for ends up saving the day in Heart pt 2(5x13)

While I deeply enjoy their relationship there are some risks in it. Traumatic bonding and enmeshment are the base of their relationship and this has a higher probability to cause relational rupture down the line. Of the two Adora’s side is a bit healthier as Adora has some degree of identity without Catra and has formed attachments to Bow and Glimmer that are more stable. If Adora continues to heal from her need to suffer from others and maintains healthy connections outside I don't think it will be inherently traumatic. 

Catra

General 

Catra has a disorganized attachment style. Her ability to attach was compromised due to her primary attachment object being Shadow Weaver as her Mother. Her approach and avoid messages came from the same place, and any adults she would have tried to connect with would have been cold and militaristic. Children have to have a safe place and person to return to as they explore but Catra never had this, and this broken trust and attunement ability she struggles to attune to almost anyone else. Another layer is like many disorganized people she can experience enmeshment where identity and core ideas become overlapped with another person.  

Cadets

The other cadets treated Catra poorly growing up, shown when Adora leaves Lonnie Says “Adora’s not here to protect you anymore” (Razz 1x03.) At first, Catra generally distances herself from them but as she sits in her place of relative power she starts to turn the bullying and abuse back to them. This is an abusive turnaround and not common from nowhere even if Kyle tried to say so telling her they “used to be friends” (Destiny pt 1 4x12) this isn’t what happened. In flashbacks in Promise (1x11) Catra was excluded from the group and catra often got in fights with them (Corridors 5x03)

Next to Scorpia, Lonnie is the person who suffers from Catra’s abusive behavior. We see this especially in Protocol (4x05) & Fractures-Destiny pt1 (4x10-12) as Catra ends up putting her paranoid thoughts, anger and fear on her after the loss of Scorpia. As mentioned above this is a bit of a turnaround but more prevalently the pathway of abuse from Hordak above Catra to Catra on Scorpia and Lonnie. 

Bow & Glimmer

We see them interact to some degree in Princess Prom (1x08) & No Princess Left Behind (1x09) and it’s mostly in passing. Their first proper interaction comes in Ties That Bind (2x02) where Catra holds most of the power and only becomes dysregulated when Glimmer mentions Adora. But in the end, we see Catra at her most in control and manipulative and Glimmer’s is willing to act out. Catra wins the interaction through her manipulation with Entrapta.

In Destiny pt 2 (4x13) we see Glimmer and Adora both fall apart at the end. Glimmer is the one who sees Catra in a state of completely giving up in a fold state showing willingness to die. Catra is willing to save Glimmer when attacked by Horde Prime. 

During episodes, Horde Prime - Corridors (5x01-3) Glimmer and Catra both deals with isolation and are working for pure survival. They handle it in disparate ways Glimmer tries to be the archetypal queen needing to stay strong for her own perception of self. While Catra uses her implicit need to protect herself through playing the game of the person in power. Catra and Glimmer share a few pleasant moments where they discuss what they would do on Etheria offering a level of support. Catra is willing to save Glimmer to prove she has some good in her and for Adora.

At the end of Taking Control 5x06 and Shot in The Dark 5x08, we see Bow and Glimmer being generally positive and making jokes with Catra. They offer positivity only picking fun in good faith. Catra struggles with this due to her own hypervigilance but is willing to return this kindness. In An Ill Wind (5x09) they work together in a fine way to get what they want. They all share the love for Adora that will drive them to the ends of their own strength showing the main thing they have in common. (Save The Cat-Heart pt 2 5x05-13). 

Entrapta

Entrapta is an interesting case. From The Beacon-Signals (1x10-2x03) Catra and Entrapta share a relationship that starts with manipulation from Catra in saying that the princess would abandon her to get her on her side, this is also based on Catra's pain (The Beacon 1x10). They work decently together but Catra continues to struggle to form a healthy friendship finding Entrapta a bit grating and her generalized trust deficits. Catra can be mean to her but still offers some protection to Entrapta. (Signals 2x03). Their relationship totally breaks down from Catra’s perspective as of Light Spinner (2x06) as she feels replaced in Hordak’s eyes, replaying her base trauma from her attachment to Shadow Weaver. 

Entrapta is unaware of Catra’s trauma or her pattern of harming others to handle her own pain. This leaves Entrapta vulnerable, and she is only fully aware when she is banished to Beast Island by Catra in Moment of Truth (3x04).

They interact fully again in Taking Control (5x06) where Catra’s hypervigilance and recent medical trauma has her fearful of what Entrapta’s will do to her when removing the chip. After Entrapta is able to remove Catra is willing to apologize and Entrapta easily accepts it. 

Double Trouble

Double Trouble and Catra have a relationship built-in transactional stating in their first meeting in The Valley of the Lost (4x02). This continuous but Double Trouble is also able to make Catra laugh and Catra finds her easy to communicate with as there isn't a need for the same attachment patterns as normal relationships. (Flutterina-Princess Scorpia 4x03-6). 

Double Trouble then is captured and Catra becomes worried about being abandoned by them as part of an episode of depression and panic episode after having been left by Scorpia (Fractures 4x10). Catra is surprised to see Double Trouble and Double Trouble notices how broken up catra was and is happy to point out Catra's fears of abandonment. (Destiny pt 1) Double Troubles transactional nature turns against Catra in the same episode as they sell out Catra for their own safety. 

Double Trouble can't help but get in a final scene pointing out to Catra how she has driven everyone [Adora, Scorpia, Shadow Weaver & Hordak] away and that she has been wearing a mask this whole time. 

Scorpia

Scorpia suffers from the fall out of Catra’s symptoms dealing with Catra’s tendency to replay her abuse. Catra is never fully able to let Scorpia in, while Scorpia desperately wants Catra to like her. Scorpia has an intense crush on Catra and becomes blind to the abusive behavior due to her self perception as a good friend. Catra is also blinded to the kindness being offered to her due to a warped perception of others and her leaning into the abusive programming of her childhood. 

Throughout season 1 we see Catra generally keep Scorpia at an arm's length but Scorpia becomes attached when Catra shows her any attention like in Princess Prom (1x08), though Catra is upset about Adora and is default supportive of Scorpia. In season 2 we see Scorpia be very helpful to Catra and Catra does start to lean on her in Signals (2x03) and Catra even starts to recognize the affection in White Out (2x05). But fear and repeating abusive behaviors damage her relationships to a more abusive footing as Catra lashes out due to Shadow Weaver and Hordak's behavior. 

We have two important moments in season 3’s episode Once Upon A Time in the Crimson Waste (3x03) and Moment of Truth (3x04). In Once Upon A Time in the Crimson Waste (3x03) we see how their relationship could be, Scorpia noting that this is the first time she’s seen Catra even be happy and that she could leave. Any chance of comfort is broken when Catra suffers a breakdown and lashes out. In a Moment of Truth (3x04) Catra hurts Entrapta deeply and threatens Catra followed by almost killing everyone in a moment of suicidality and homicidal tendencies. This fractures their relationships irrevocably. 

Season 4 Catra spirals into only focusing on winning the war and being willing to use every one. She lashes out insulting Catra and putting her as her stress relief demeaning her. Scorpio recognized this finally in Princess Scorpia (4x06) telling Catra’s she’s a bad friend, a deep insult from Scorpia. This is one of the final straws that breaks Catra's fragile hold on functionality in Boys' Night Out (4x08). 

Catra realizes the harm she’s done in season five though the relationship is less active in the finale season. But it was formative in moving Catra to a place where she could be better. 

Hordak

Hordak and Catra’s relationship changes extremely throughout the show. In season one and presumably throughout their childhood he is a powerful influence that guides their actions but is more of a force than a person. He takes Catra into the higher sections of the power structure seeing her promise in being a force captain which is hugely important to Catra as it validates her need for attention and recognition. 

Throughout season 2 he acts as a secondary abuser to Shadow Weaver, she seeks out his approval wanting to be able to be on the same level with him protecting herself from the insinuation she lacks his trust. (2x01-3, White Out 3x05 & Light Spinner 3x06) Catra shows fear to him and even tries to protect Entrapta from him originally in Signals (2x03). We see her also be very hurt by Hordak choosing Entrapta over her throughout season two. 

Due to Catra still being very attached to Shadow Weaver we see Catra attempt to protect Shadow Weaver but at this point, she is still acting in fear of Hordak trying to avoid his anger at her culminating in him catching, assaulting and imprisoning her in Reunion (2x07). 

After this we see Catra be apathetic towards anything going on with him being in a state of depression and anger. She is reckless and is willing to call him out for being a coward and risk whatever he will do, breaking through the programmed fear. (The Price of Power 3x01 Once Upon A Time in The Crimson Waste 3x03)

Catra lies to Hordak during her break down to be able to pull the lever (Moment of truth 3x04). 

When they regroup after The Portal incident Hordak tries to continue using fear of Catra, but she overcomes the past fear almost completely and takes him on breaking his suit and partially disabling him. (The Coronation 4x01) She uses her knowledge of her own power and puts them on a more equal footing. Catra is the right hand but equal from his perspective until Destiny pt1 (4x12) where Hordak Says “we will control all of Etheria” and “victory is ours”. However, even this equality is partially a facade due to Hordak being an abuser to Catra for years and treating her as under him up until the last few episodes and Catra using the lie about Entrapta to claw back power after he rejected her before.

Catra starts to identify with Hordak telling him “you and me we don’t need anyone” (Princess Scorpia 4x06). She is trying to get him to finish their mission and has rejected any connection to others but in her rant, she is also still trying to prove herself saying “they’ll all see ''. This is similar to how Hordak wants to not be seen as defective. This identification also extends to her tendencies of following patterns of abusive behavior, at the height of identification her abusive behavior is at its worst. 

The identification and manipulation come to a head when they fight in Destiny pt 2 (4x12) after Double Trouble reveals Catra’s lies. The fight is both a power struggle and a depressive and anger-fueled breakdown. At least on Catra’s part, the outcome is similar to what happened after the portal (Once Upon a Time in the Waste-The Portal 3x03-6). Hordak’s anger was comes from him placing some a level of trust in Catra and her rejecting that.

This fight is reckless and leaves Catra mentally and physically battered, an important moment that sets up her actions in season 5. 

During her imprisonment with Horde Prime, they connect over her being able to tell him from the other Horde clones. They also both suffer similar religious and medical assaults from Horde Prime. They have little interaction after their plotlines diverge. Though both deal with ideas of autonomy. 

Adora

Cat's entire world is centered around Adora. Her continued existence was tied to her relationship to Adora from Shadow Weaver’s perspective (Promise 1x11). As a child, Adora was her entire world and the only person to ever show her kindness. This leads her to experience an extreme  enmeshment and traumatic bonding that leads to identity and relational struggles. 

An early difference between them is the way Catra never had an ideological commitment to the Horde vs Adora who had a belief system to break. This difference is one of the first cracks in their relationship to Catra viewing the betrayal of Adora in personal terms. Due to the fact, Catra finds the idea that the Horde was hurting people obvious due to horrendous abuse she suffered as a child so Adora left her and downplayed their trauma in one go. (The Sword pt 1/2 1x01-2)

Catra spends much of the first season splitting on Adora going between wanting her back, protecting her, shoving her away and eventually proclaiming false independence. This is a trait of her symptom pattern due to her developmental trauma. A slightly less extreme splitting episode happens after they became close again (Return to the Fright Zone-Heart pt 1 5x10-12)

In her most violence breakdown in Remember (3x05) & The Portal (3x06) where Catra’s locus of control has broken down to being all about Adora’s actions. Adora rejects the blame and this forms another form of rupture in their connection. 

Catra never fully stops being dependent on Adora for her sense of self and actions. She heavily places weight on what Adora did, what Adora would think, how to get Adora’s attention and ways to prove she’s better. Even when angry at her Catra has a need to base decisions off showing Adora her worth and strength (Princess Prom 1x08 & Princess Scorpia 4x06). 

In the final arc of the show Catra has positive changes in her behavior and emotions. However, she still hasn’t fully learned boundaries; her decision to change was spurred on by flashbacks to her co-dependence on Adora in her childhood (Corridors 5x03). Their relationship starts to heal through Adora keeping up a level of boundaries and Catra being willing to admit she needs Adora (Taking Control 5x06). Throughout the rest of the season, Catra’s behavior is still centered around how Adora views Catra in their ability to work together and then the rupture after fearing Adora would choose her duty over Catra again and the misperception Adora lacked as strong feelings for Catra as she did for her. (Failsafe & Heart pt 1 5x11-12)

We see their relationship mature over this last season and the romantic aspect taking centre stage ending with their kissing help both of them maintain a connection reality in The Heart pt 2 (5x13)

Her love for Adora is important and something that kept her strong and can be healing. However, the relationship is still subject to dysfunction due to Adora the key to Catra’s core beliefs and schemas. Learning to have their strong connection be a strength while maintaining boundaries will be the key to this relationship being healing.

[Will cover Shadow Weaver and the girls in pt 3]

[heavyarethecrowns]

Kate Middleton: Prince William’s Decade-Long Mistake - Oct 2010

Who is Kate Middleton? After nearly 10 years of seeing Kate’s recorded behavior, this is my impression: Kate Middleton doesn’t care about any causes, charities or anything outside of living for pleasure. I doubt her ability to handle royal responsibilities – beyond dealing with privileges and paparazzi – because in the ten years the world has watched her, she hasn’t demonstrated she can take on anything but a royal c*ck and a jolly good time. While true, she isn’t married to William and isn’t in fact a royal (and may never be, for all we know), her perseverance implies she’s in it for the long haul and plans to become the Princess of Wales. As such, she should have taken these years to demonstrate to the world that, although she’s a common-bred, middle-class girl, she’s an exceptional lady who rises above the rest. But Kate has failed profoundly in that respect. The last thing the women of the public should be thinking when they see William’s marital choice is, “What on earth makes her so special? I could have done that/been in her place – and done it better! -Maybe I should have gone to St. Andrews!” But that’s what women, including myself, are lead to think of her. Coming from her background, as a common, everyday girl, it shows her complete lack of humility, and is borderline arrogant, for her to assume she can live like a spoiled brat who doesn’t need to prove herself. She enjoys a privileged life that she wasn’t born into – and for the life of many, we can’t understand why. Why was she chosen? Why not someone else? Why not a woman the vast majority can respect and admire? Let’s be honest here: William can have nearly anyone he wants – and he’s settling for this average circus monkey?

At first glance, Kate seemed like a well kept, nicely mannered woman – and well-suited for a royal position. In the first few years of her royal relationship, she shone as an attractive, educated, beautifully fashioned, friendly, and conservatively-behaved young lady. But that was then. Now, upon looking back at Kate’s near-decade as an unofficial princess-in-waiting, her behavior reveals her as a underwhelming choice for the monarchy. She’s demonstrated that she’s far from exceptional, and that aside from her pursuit of a crown, she’s a disappointing, arrogant underachiever of little substance.

Ambitious In All The Wrong Ways:

Those who know Kate often describe her as ambitious; and in the beginning, that’s the side of her the public got to see. Kate worked hard on her academics so she could attend the prestigious St. Andrews University, where William was also set to attend. While there, she met William and completed the same degree as him, in Art History.  Following their graduations, William began the demanding military career he still pursues today. However, surprisingly, the once ambitious-seeming Kate did nothing: She remained jobless for nearly two years, living off of her parents (and William, I’m sure). Kate finally got a part-time job as an accessories buyer at the fashion chain, Jigsaw, but quit after only 11 months. Notably, rumors suggest Kate only got the job to passify Her Majesty, The Queen, who took notice that her grandson’s significant-other was a lazy freeloader. After that, she worked for her parent’s internet business, Party Pieces (which to many read like an unemployment cover-up). Apparently, Kate made updates to their website and took photos for it. That sounds pathetic and hardly full-time. Not to mention, Kate’s monthly getaways to exotic locations with William attest that her parents gave her an overwhelming amount of time off whenever she wanted it. That’s hardly a real job. And if that’s not disappointing enough, Kate quit the job all together in October of 2009 and has officially been doing nothing but shacking up with William while he pursues his career ever since. I’m sorry Katie dear, but for any 28 year old – especially a potential Queen of England – that’s absolutely not good enough.

There are several obvious problems with the reality of Kate’s ambitions (or lack thereof). She was ambitious about her education, but clearly didn’t want or need it for a career – So, what was she even at St. Andrews for, and why was she ambitious about getting there? She graduated from a top notch university, only to settle for unemployment and a job her parents provided? Logically, it’s mismatching for someone to aggressively pursue a top-tier education only to fall flat as a lazy, career-underachiever immediately and permanently thereafter. The fact that Kate did just that leads me, and countless others to believe she was only academically driven so she could put herself in William’s way and try to form a relationship with him. Also telling are the numerous reports by those close to Kate’s mother that Mrs. Middleton pushed her daughter’s attendance to St. Andrews in hopes of her becoming royalty.

Kate: The Attention-Loving Wild Child

When Kate’s not working – and that’s most of the time – she goes shopping, attends leisurely sporting and social events, and parties ’till her heart’s content in Britain’s most luxurious night spots (Paris Hilton style – ick). The photos of her nightlife are less than flattering – actually, they’re flat out embarrassing – especially for the potential next Princess and Queen of Wales. She often looks extremely intoxicated, and her attire and car-exiting-techniques have granted the paparazzi dozens of “crotch shots”.

[picapp align=”none” wrap=”false” link=”term=kate+middleton&iid=756945″ src=”http://view3.picapp.com/pictures.photo/image/756945/kate-middleton-birthday/kate-middleton-birthday.jpg?size=500&imageId=756945&#8243; width=”234″ height=”151″ /] Kate characteristically grinning as she’s hounded by the paparazzi

Any other 28 year old woman would be focused on a career or starting a family – or both; But Kate just parties like she’s some rich 19 year old without any responsibilities. In fact, she’s only too happy to show that side of herself to the paparazzi – and the world. Her parents and William (taxpayer dollars) have financially supported her throughout her twenties – extravagant vacations included – and Kate’s habitual ear-to-ear smile indicates she’s loved every minute of it. As long as she’s attached to William, she doesn’t have a care in the world that other (common) women like her have – aside from her image, and she’s let that fall to the wayside. From the bright red coat she wore to William’s military graduation to the never-failing smile she wears for the paparazzi, Kate’s self-presentation says she loves being a celebrity and all eyes being on her. Unfortunately, Britain needs a princess who naturally exudes a respectable image when she provokes the world to look.

William’s Mistake – William’s Responsibility

I understand William’s need to pick a lady who’ll roll with the punches, deal well with the crazy, public lifestyle (privacy invasion, etc.), and conform to suit the monarchy’s needs. Nevertheless, it’s his mistake in assuming those are the only criteria a future princess must meet. If there was a checklist for the “Qualities of the Most Ideal Future Princess of Wales”, Kate would scantily fulfill 20% of them:

Intelligence and Wit

Humility

Career ambition/self sufficiency

Physical beauty – (C’mon, princesses are supposed to be pretty! -Especially when the prince is popular enough to take his pick. Kate’s…just…okay…)

Noble/Aristocratic blood (if not this, then a woman who stands far above the crowd of other commoners)

Grace and Conservative femininity (that goes out the window when you’ve been banging the prince for a decade without a commitment – Oh, and the rumored accidental pregnancies (abortion fanatic if they’re true! *cough* TMI *cough*))

Charity and service for those in need (I volunteered like crazy in college, and I’m not anywhere near royal… Why didn’t Kate?! – And why hasn’t she since??)

Respectable and responsible image (yeah, umm, no)

Takes on royal responsibilities to earn royal privileges (Kate’s only got the acceptance of privileges part down…)

Aaaand the list goes on…

Of course, there’s the possibility that Kate’s the girl who’s a match for William’s heart. But I doubt it. Kate’s the girl with everything to lose if the relationship fails, and everything to gain if it succeeds – her greatest skill is that she’s willing/desperate enough to jump through all and any hoops, including waiting 10+ years for a proposal – and William knows it.

It may have been 10 years, but it’s not too late for William to turn around and make a better decision. Kate hasn’t been cheated – contrary to some’s beliefs. She’s lived a decade of fantasy and wonder beyond her wildest dreams, and has continually been treated to luxuries she doesn’t deserve. William owes it to himself, and his country to make a responsible choice about the future Princess of Wales. Yes, he needs to choose a woman he loves, but his privileges require sacrifices on his part, and that means choosing a bride that will be an honorable partner for the people’s sake too. If William was going to wait ’till his late 20s/early 30s to wed, he could have waited to meet a woman who’s getting a PhD, or who runs a charitable non-profit organization, for example. But no : Instead, he’s burdening his country with wishy-washy, Waity Katie.

It’s not about choosing a girl who loves being photographed or relishes living her fantasy of being a fashion icon – or even a real, live princess. It’s about choosing a self-sufficient woman who has something amazing to offer the country and the world: A role model, a charitable, caring person who views joining the monarchy as a responsibility, and an opportunity to serve the people – not just an entitlement to luxurious privileges. Right now, the latter is Kate Middleton; And I don’t foresee her entire irresponsible, pleasure-loving personality changing just because wedding vows are exchanged. What we’ve seen is what we’re going to get as Lady Di’s shoe-filler – if William decides to go through with it. One can only hope that won’t be the case.

[blxwjobsforclones]

Betting - Din Djarin x reader

Warnings: Smut, and Mando being a cute boy

Words: 4201

Tags: @littlevodika @hxldmxdxwn @maulieber

REQUESTS ARE OPEN

We were in the middle of space, three hours away from the nearest planet. We had been traveling together for about eight months and if someone had ever told me that they would end up in a Razor Crest, with a Mandalorian and a baby of an unknown species who had clear Jedi skills, I would not have believed him. I would have asked him how much alcohol he had drunk and would have dispensed it quickly. Yet here he was, deep in that strange situation, from which he had no intention of leaving soon.

A situation that knew how it would end.

I accepted, or rather, I offered to help Mando, who lately insisted that he call him by his real name, Din Djarin, in his "adventure" of taking the adorable baby with his family. First because it was obvious that she did not know much about children and second and more importantly, he had taken an unconditional love for the little boy and was more than willing to risk my life for his safety.

My relationship with Din Djarin had become somewhat ... complex. We had become a kind of parent for the baby, each in her role and that had united us deeply. Not to mention the countless occasions when we had fought together and saved each other's lives. We definitely had a pretty strong bond. Thanks to that, he had managed to get his to open up with me, enough to tell me about his culture and his past. Mandalorian customs were very interesting, like the topic of the helmet, we ate separately so that he could have a quiet lunch and take it off without worries. I was completely unaware of his face, but I had gotten so used to his deep voice, to the point where I had come across as sexy at times. I sighed, complicated fell short.

I finished putting the blaster in the armory after I had cleaned it and went up the stairs to the ship's cabin. The little boy was asleep in his capsule, which we had repaired between the two a few days ago to make it more comfortable and he was snoring softly, completely oblivious to our world.

I leaned back into Din Djarin's seat slowly.

“Has the child been asleep for a long time?”

He touched a few buttons on the control table and then turned the seat to turn, did not give me time to move, so I was a second away from stumbling. His hand suddenly appeared to grab me, circling my waist and pressing against him, causing me to end up sitting on his lap. Instinctively I leaned against his chest and we stood there paralyzed for a few seconds. I looked directly at him or I think, it was difficult to know with his helmet, from the way he tilted his head I think he was looking back at me.

"Sorry." I cleared my throat loudly.

“You're good?”

I nodded, perhaps with too much energy. I had never been so close to anyone, much less sitting on top ... He removed his hand from the small of my back very slowly, automatically I felt a kind of emptiness. I got up, putting some distance between us, taking a quick look at the little one. He was still snoring peacefully.

"Just ten minutes ago." I looked at Mando again, frowning. "The boy has just fallen asleep. From your breathing I'd say you don't plan to wake up anytime soon. Maybe we can sleep for a few hours straight.

“That would be a novelty”

“And you say so. I think he'll be more comfortable downstairs and so will we. I need to get up from this seat for a while”

I smiled at him sincerely and took the little boy very careful not to wake him, he fit me perfectly in one arm. I placed it on the cushion of the ship's single bed, a place designed only for sleeping. Din Djarin had accommodated him for the baby before we met and had placed a rather large training mat on the floor in front of the door. A mat on which we took turns sleeping and watching. We had been wandering through enemy territory for the past few months, this was the first time we had not been in danger, so perhaps we could relax a bit. I closed the security hatch so that the child did not wake up with the least noise we could make and I turned.

Mando was already there, occupying one of the brass boxes that we used as seats and I think he was waiting for me. I sat across from him and unthinkingly planted my elbow on top of the other box we used as a table. He bowed his head, I would like to know if he ever smiled, I hoped yes, he was the most mysterious guy I had ever met in my life. I did, provocatively. He mimicked my movement by bringing his arm closer.

“Are you sure?”

“Are you afraid of losing, Mando?”

We put our hands together.

“I already told you that you don't have to call me that”

We close our fingers tight

"Does anyone else know your real name besides me?" He shook his head, surprising me a little.

“Not only you. I had never told anyone. Last chance”

I widened the smile, trying not to be distracted by his answer.

“I do not think to retire. Do you want to bet something?”

He shrugged slightly as I held on to my seat so as not to lose my balance when we started.

“There is nothing I want to bet against you, (Y/N). Maybe the cleaning of the ship ...” Was he kidding? It was the first time he had joked with me.

"Done, because I do want to bet something." He cocked his head to one side in a curious gesture. "A question." There is something I want to ask you for a long time, it is not personal, just curiosity, but I do not know if you will answer it, for the whole subject of the Creed of the Mandalorians.

“Cleaning against a response. Done. Ready?”

“Prepared”

And then we both press and push to the opposite side, our hands barely moving. I had been educated in combat since I was a child, my training was hard and yours was. We were practically on boards. And there we stay for the next few minutes. We had resistance capacity and we shared the stubbornness. I clenched my teeth.

“You are mine, Din Djarin.”

“Do you want to double the bet?" His voice sounded harsh, as if he was also clenching his teeth.

“I have enough with what I have.”

And then it happened, after a little bit of pressure, my hand twisted to the opposite side, I put up as much resistance as possible, but my arm ended up hitting the table. I released the air he had been holding and raised both hands in front of him in surrender, looking at him.

“I bow to the winner, but I warn you that there will be a rematch.”

“Anytime.”

I really hoped he was smiling under that pretty helmet. I leaned back a little.

"Well, what part do I have to clean?"

"Actually the dirtiest thing is the landing ramp and the drive wheels, that they run out of oil can be a problem"

"It seems fair to me."

I got up to fulfill the bet, but his hand on my wrist stopped me.

"I didn't say it has to be now, (Y/N). I am more curious"

I frowned, returning to my seat, really intrigued.

"Your question."

I raised an eyebrow, smiling slightly.

"But I lost the bet."

He reached up a gloved hand and brushed a lock of hair from my eyes, leaving me a little surprised. That ... it had been an extremely tender gesture, which he had not done until now and had just carried out as if nothing had happened.

"I would have answered your question anyway. With or without a bet, go ahead."

"Agree. You have told me a lot about Mandalorian culture and I find it fascinating, but there have been certain topics that you have never commented on ..."

He nodded, leaning a little closer to me.

"What do you want to know?"

"The Mandalorians not only care for orphans, but also for their own children, as you once said."

"So is."

"That means that the Mandalorians get married or ... at least they have relationships ..." I cleared my throat. "... intimate with other Mandalorians. Which logically implies that you remove your helmet in front of another person, is that the only case where that is allowed to happen?"

He tensed a little. I couldn't know him from his facial expressions, obviously, but from his physical postures. I don't know what he was expected to ask her but that probably won't. It took him a few long seconds to respond and when he did, his tone of voice had decreased, it was softer and more serious at the same time, my only clue to know his mood and that was unknown to me.

"Yes. It is the only case. Creed Mandalorians are paired for life, believe it or not, so only that other person can see their faces and perhaps their own children when they are very young, but it is not usual."

"How do they know?"

My curiosity about his culture was beginning to worry me, but I had told him practically everything about mine. She was in favor of reciprocal relationships.

"The what?"

"Well ... whether or not they can remove the helmet with that other person. Let's see, I am not saying that they are all like this, since you are the only Mandalorian I have ever met, but you do not seem a very open people with the subject of emotions. No offense. And also, it gives me that there has to be some ritual or special tradition to communicate to the other person that you are in love."

The breastplate of his chest rose as he took a deep breath.

"Yes, there is a ... traditional way." I didn't know if he was going to leave it there or if he would tell me everything, but the intrigue of his prolonged silence suddenly made me nervous. He was not at all prepared for her next words, even though his voice was firm and there was no doubt in it. "The way to tell that person that you are hopelessly in love with her, is to tell her your real name, the one you were born with."

The air stayed in my lungs. But ... that meant that ... He ... he was ...? I knew his real name, I was the only one who knew ...

"Din Djarin ..." I muttered more to myself than anything else, but of course he had listened to me

"Yes." My mind was a bustle of thoughts from here to there and everyone ended up in Command.

"When you told me the first time you seemed to be nervous and I didn't understand why ..." I wasn't able to take my eyes off the crack of his helmet.

"Never, in all my life, had this happened to me with anyone, (Y/N). In reality it is something unusual for Mandalorians, establishing this type of relationship is not common. That does not mean that my feelings are not clear."

I didn't know what the hell to say to that. I stood there, processing his words. He waited with infinite patience for me to react, what he felt was confusing and profound and he did not fully understand it. What he was clear about was that he doubted that he could maintain the connection that he had with him with any other person. So I got up, moved the armchair away from the middle with a movement of the foot and stood in front of him, raised his head to look at me from his height. I took a breath.

"My name is (Y/N) (S/N)." He nodded softly and I raised my hands to hold his helmet on both sides. Beskar was the coldest metal I had ever touched. I swallowed hard, tremendously nervous.

He nodded again. He knew this was a gigantic step, no one, no one else had seen his face since she was twelve years old. He had not revealed his face to a single living being, as his Creed dictated. And there I was, holding up that representative helmet so that I could look him in the eye. Retaining the air in my lungs, I removed it entirely and set it gently aside before looking at him. When I did, I bumped into an attractive dark-haired, brown-eyed man with a small goatee-shaped beard around his mouth. He was ... exotic, I couldn't think of another word to describe him, I hadn't met anyone with those traits

For the first time, as far as I knew, we looked each other directly in the eye. And something I had never felt in my whole life exploded in my chest. The connection that I had created in my mind was real, very real. Without being very aware of it, I stroked his cheek, feeling his skin against mine. He sighed against my palm, still watching me

"You have beautiful eyes, Din Djarin."

"Nothing comparable to your beauty."

Hearing him speak without the echo of the helmet was tremendously pleasant. Her voice was so much softer without him. His words were loaded with sincerity and affection. I leaned down, not sure how to do that, but decidedly I framed his face with both hands and slowly approached, closing the space that separated us. I had to get down on my knees to be able to keep up with him, our noses brushed, suddenly we shared the same air. His intense brown eyes looked decisively at my mouth, once again he brushed a few strands of hair and held them at the nape of my neck with his hand. And then he leaned in. Our mouths were just a few millimeters apart, the anticipation of that act was killing me ... We moved at once.

Our lips barely touched at first, I couldn't even remember the last time I had kissed a man, but that minimal contact was unmatched. His mouth moved against mine, intensifying the sensations a little, I had no idea if this was the first time he had kissed a woman, but if it was, he was not bad at all.

How could something so delicate be so fucking intense?

I kissed him back, our lips moving curiously, feeling and exploring. We ran out of air, but it didn't matter. I tangled my fingers in his hair, it was really straight and soft, he did the same on the nape of my neck, caressing my cheek with the other gloved hand. In the end we parted in a gasp, trying to breathe, face to face. We looked at each other and the intensity of those pretty brown eyes managed to melt me ​​inside. Without stopping to think about it, I approached him again, he replied passionately. This second kiss became a little more expert, more demanding, we let ourselves be carried away by it. I parted my lips, brushing hers with my tongue, getting an immediate response when our tongues met midway. At the time that happened I felt as if a lot of bombs had exploded in my stomach, pressing on my belly.

I clung to him, who, taking me by surprise, grabbed me by the hips making me straddle his legs. Still kissing me, he pulled his hands away from me for a second so he could remove his gloves, then brought them back to my back, hitting me. I bit his lower lip, tugging on it and in response he took control of my mouth, sighing in it with desire. I got as close as I could, realizing that our numerous layers of clothing were beginning to be a nuisance. So with some awkwardness, I reached for the clasps on his breastplate and playing along, Din Djarin began to untie the laces that held my corset.

We took off our superficial clothes while still kissing each other, both sides fell to the ground loudly since they were reinforced with metal plates. I ran my hands over his chest covered only by a shirt, realizing that that breastplate concealed a strong and worked body, Mandalorian training was effective for it I guess. I think everything we had been holding back for the last eight months exploded at once, especially when his fingers slipped under the fabric of my shirt, caressing my sides, slowly lifting the garment. My hands became fists on his shoulders. He cut our stifling kiss delicately, giving me a little respite. His thumbs brushed the sensitive skin on the bottom of my breasts ...

"may l?"

His voice was deep and tremendously sensual. I was wondering if I could get naked and I didn't want anything else at the moment. I nodded, biting the inside of my cheek and raising my arms to let him do it. He gently took it from me, throwing it into a minor place. He watched me, releasing the air I was holding. His eyes slowly rose to meet mine.

"You are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen, (Y/N)."

He leaned forward and placed a sweet kiss on my collarbone, just above my breasts. His hands returned to my skin, down my hips, caressing me. I shuddered in his arms. He had assumed it was his first time doing this, but now he was no longer so sure.

I sighed loudly when his lips found my left nipple and kissed it provocatively. It was an incredible feeling that made me shiver, the pressure in my lower abdomen increased and I wriggled on her legs. It was my turn, his shirt was a nuisance at the time. I yanked her up onto his back, Din Djarin did the work for me, pulling apart for a second to take it off, letting me see her fibrous body. I automatically ran my hands over his torso. He had some scars here and there, obtained in some combat without a doubt. But it was ... sexy. I think I had never thought that a man was sexy, at least not the ones I had known in my life until now. His hand reappeared on my cheek, pulling me toward him. We kissed and this time I leaned in close, sticking my half-naked body to his, sitting on top of his hips. I immediately felt what our closeness had awakened in him and I liked it, I liked it very much. His open palm wandered down my back, down to my ass. I groaned into his mouth as he squeezed gently.

Then Mando wrapped an arm around my waist and lifted us both effortlessly, taking us somewhere I couldn't see, I was too busy with the dance that kept our tongues. He knelt with me tangled in him, the soft blanket we put on the training mat contacted my back. He lay on top of me holding onto his hands so that I didn't have to support his weight. A primitive sound escaped from his throat when I made him descend a little more, with my legs on his hips, hitting our most sensitive areas. That sound sent a direct shock to my lower abdomen, drawing a deep sigh in response. Suddenly our hands were everywhere on each other's body, caressing and provoking in their wake. I left his lips, bringing my mouth to his neck, bit him carefully, Din Djarin groaned against my ear and was not far behind in our erotic game.

He moved forward, creating a delicious friction between our most intimate parts. Despite his pants and mine I felt like he had given me a real shock. It seems that we decided at the same time that they were hindering, since I brought my fingers to the closure of his just as he unbuttoned mine. He gave me a deep kiss before sitting up to take them off, getting rid of mine on the way. Now yes, we were completely naked facing each other. We stood there, looking deeply into each other's eyes, with a primitive desire written in them. He leaned towards me but I didn't allow him to descend again, I sat up, holding onto his shoulders and wrapping my legs around his hips, sitting on top of him. His right arm covered part of my back, holding me against him, his other hand caressed my cheek with infinite delicacy, while I put my arms around his neck.

"Are you sure?"

"More than anything else"

He nodded and kissed me as intimately as possible. I got down and he pushed. We whimpered in each other's mouths, Maker, it was too incredible a feeling to not carry it out more often. When Mando was inside me we remained immobile for a few seconds, just kissing each other, getting used to that deep union. So I wrapped my fingers around the nape of his neck and he squeezed my hips and we started to move.

At first the rhythm we set was slow, smooth and provocative, when the sensations began to take their toll on both of us, our calm dance turned into an almost wild dance. I put a hand on the mat to keep my balance and he ended up on his knees, holding us both. Our grunts and groans bounced off the walls of the ship, nothing else existed in the world, just us. I descended faster, meeting him halfway, desperately craving that deep friction. His mouth was everywhere, my jaw, my neck, my breasts ... I didn't know where he got the concentration to kiss me like that, when I was so lost in it, that I was hardly aware of anything else but us. I couldn't tell how long it had been, when a nice whirlpool began to form in my lower belly and I let him know by pressing closer against his hips. Apparently he was not far behind me.

He possessed my mouth as we both came amid a scream of pleasure. After that I dropped completely backwards, completely ecstatic. Din Djarin descended with me, holding himself on his elbows above me, I could feel his breathing as fast as mine. He bit down on my chin sweetly, demanding my attention. I kissed him and that kiss was an unwritten declaration of everything I felt for him, even of which I had not been aware until now. When he finished he hugged me, burying his face in my neck, his naked body on top of mine, completely relaxed, like I'd never seen him before. I ran my fingers through his hair in slow, loving circles.

When he raised his head to look at me, a pretty, wide smile framed his lips. I returned it without hesitation.

(masterlist)