#wanted to do brain cancer

[19o19o19o19]

Kevin looks like Wymack.

You put them side by side and actually try to pay attention to them, and after a while it's one of those things you can't unsee once you've seen it.

Sure, he has his mother's black hair and dark, intense green eyes. But everything else? Wymack. His tanned skin, his buff, muscular build; his face structure, with big eyebrows and strong nose and deep set eyes and full lips; his hands and ears and his wavy hair, too, even if Wymack doesn't keep it as long anymore.

If Kevin let his beard grow, all you'd see would be Wymack, if a little to the left; younger, with different colors and a bit more hair. No wrinkles or white hairs, just yet.

If you saw pictures of a younger Wymack, all you'd see would be Kevin. Kevin, with brown hair and brown eyes, the same wavy hair, if a little longer, maybe. This is specially true the younger you go. You put pictures of them as children and the grainy and faded quality of David's makes them look like the exact same kid. All the way down to similar mole placements.

Well. Except two of them.

Two small moles. Sitting one right next to the other, at the corner of Kevin's left eye. Those were Kayleigh's. They were one of Wymack's favourite places to kiss her.

It's been so long nearly nobody remembers he had them in the first place. But Kevin remembers. Kevin could never forget.

Riko used to say they were the perfect placement, back when they were still kids and would use markers to doodle the numbers on their faces. He would use them as guidelines, putting each line of the roman numeral over each mole. Riko liked them because then they would always know where to put the mark and he could use them as a reference for his own.

He also liked to joke, telling Kevin all about how they were a sign. A sign that everything was always meant to be like this, a sign that Kevin was always meant to be his second.

Kevin didn't exactly know how to feel about that. He didn't mind the idea of tattoos that much, but he felt odd whenever he looked at a mirror and couldn't see his mother's moles. Alas, it made Riko happy, and if Riko was happy, then Kevin had to be, too. If he tried hard enough, he could even convince himself that his mother would be proud. After all, it meant he was one of the best in the game, and wasn't that a good thing? All people had to do was look at his face and they would know immediately.

And anyways, it was just marker. It would fade eventually and his moles would still be there.

Except.

Then it wasn't just marker anymore, was it? It was ink. Permanent, at the corner of his left eye. Each line of the roman numeral forever covering each mole. The perfect placement, the perfect guidelines. A sign.

And it wasn't like they were the only connection he had with her, the only thing left behind.

He still had his mother's eyes. He still had his mother's hair. He still had Exy and her drive and her passion and her legacy and all the expectations that came with it.

And yet he was also aware that none of those things could ever truly replace her. That doesn't mean he didn't try, though.

Therefore, when he lost the moles, as small as they were, he couldn't help but feel as though he was loosing a key part of himself. That the space inside of him, the one with her exact shape, the one left empty by her death, the one he's spent his entire life desperately trying to fill with all the ill-fitting things she left behind, sat a little bit emptier now.

So, yeah. It's been a long time, but Kevin remembers.

Now, having a Queen instead might not be as good as having his moles back, but this, at the very least, he doesn't need convincing to know his mother would be proud of.

This, at the very least, doesn't feel as empty.

[holdmymetaphor]

okay when i started rewatching house, it took me until 3x15 but i started to notice a pattern in house's wardrobe. the scene where foreman was trying to express sadness(?) at house's (fake) brain cancer they were both wearing pink.

After that I noticed that any time house was wearing pink, they were particularly vulnerable moments. Moments that he's feeling tender or open. Moments where he is being pretty earnest.

Then I started to notice that other colored shirts came up at different times. Light blue was his most neutral state, it represents logic and reason imo. Maybe a little bit of humor. There's a lightness or surface-ness to it.

Purple represents something like consequences or grief or guilt. any time there is purple someone is bearing the weight of a decision that was made, or a complex situation.

Black represents, as you can imagine, death. the darkest moments we see house in black.

The other colors aren't as prominent, but I have theories. Red is sex, power, life, excitement, ego. tan is neutrality. white is almost naive. green is rare and house never wears it. Dark blue is still logic but more solemn, more deep. its also interesting to note the times when he doesn't wear a t-shirt under his dress shirt and leaves like 3 buttons open (hubba hubba) and when he /only/ wears a t-shirt. I think his dress shirt is almost like his armor.

[benoitblanc]

making an emily-arc gifset and screaming internally. why the fuck did they do that to scully

[mourning-at-night]

ok im going to ramble for a minute but i think van palmer's turn towards violence is so interesting. like in the beginning, she nearly throws up just thinking about allie's broken leg. she can't watch when shauna sobs over her baby's body. but then she's one of the first to truly believe and accept that they'll end up turning to violence in order to survive - she stops and she watches shauna beat their friend and teammate and she knows. it's brutal and bloody and near deadly, but this time, she doesn’t look away.

despite her weak stomach, she's always been willing to do what she believes is necessary. to her, violence isn't intriguing or sensational or something to be celebrated - but it is something to be resorted to, one of those things she sees as an inevitability, a necessity, no matter how painful or nauseating or depressing. she’ll slap her mother awake, but first she'll call out to her. she'll hunt nat through the woods and she'll let a 14yo drown, but only because she and taissa and lottie and everyone who she cares for, they're all starving, or hurt. she will do what she believes it will take to keep herself and her loved ones alive, at least most of them, at least as many of them as possible - because, of course, she’s always tried so hard to be the protector. that's who she is, shown in a thousand little ways. she plays goalie. she tries to break up the fight between tai and shauna in the pilot and she starts to defend nat when travis is being a dickhead in bear down and she helps hold shauna back until lottie tells them not to in burial. she tries to look after tai when she sleepwalks, like how she possibly had to look after her mother for years. she jokes around and she tells the group stories, trying to keep them connected to the outside world.

i think it's interesting to see a character so solidly rooted in the idea of protection to be the one spearheading violent action. it's ironic and tragic and it makes sense, because as yellowjackets shows, over and over - care is not an inherently gentle or bloodless act!! it's van telling the others to leave her bleeding in the woods after the wolf attack and it's tying herself to tai even though she gets hurt and it's helping carry bodies onto the plane and digging graves. it's telling tai she loves her for the first time by literally writing it in her own blood.

sometimes it’s painful. sometimes it's not healthy or righteous. sometimes it’s the hard choice - putting forth the playing cards and joining the hunt and watching with grim determination as javi struggles and cries out for help, and then separating herself and the others from the choice to let him die by claiming the wilderness made it for them. reaching out and turning his face away from shauna when it’s time for the bloodletting. convincing travis to cannibalize his little brother by telling him that he owes javi this final act of love.

it's giving up retelling movies and tv shows and instead telling a different story, a quiet, cold one, because she believes the only way for them to survive out in the wilderness is to give themselves over to it fully, no matter how horrible - because, after everything, what choice does she feel she has but to persist? even in wiskayok, living was always a fight, another series of necessary actions in order to Get Through It and Get Out. after the alcoholic mother and ambiguously unmentioned father and the trials of being young and gay and butch in the suburbs of 90s new jersey, she wants a future, so badly. and after having to pull herself out of the crash and surviving the wolf attack and the pyre, after spending months watching the others around her suffer and starve and die, she can't pull out of the fight. she wouldn't even know how. like a brutal, desperate instinct, she must survive, and she must protect.

it's agonizing but she won't let herself feel it and it's endless but she can only think about the end result. it's selfish in the way they're almost all selfish and it's loving in the way they all love - but especially van, who is so deeply and fiercely protective, who has always cared so much. in the end, that protective instinct both keeps her painfully human and pushes her out into the deep end. it's the kindest and most wonderful piece of her being and it's an intense force that leads her towards brutality. because sometimes caring is the violent thing!! sometimes love is violence and violence is love!!!!

[ifwebefriends]

The Dark Evil Fucked Up Side PTSD side of my brain: all I wanted for so long was to go to college and finish college, I’ve honestly had a great time at college and now it’s ending. When I was going through chemo during my gap year, college represented the warm sunrise at the end of a frigid seemingly endless night. I’m kinda excited to graduate and move on and I have some plans but they don’t feel very concrete. What if things get worse? And if my cancer comes back, will I be able to find or make a sunrise bright and warm enough to make enduring treatment again worth it? I try my best to believe that there’s a long bright future ahead but I can’t help but worry sometimes that there’s nothing really left for me after this.

The cool friend part of my brain: dude what about all the fanfic that you haven’t published yet

PTSD part: omg wait ur actually so right what about all the fanfic I haven’t published yet?

[lacilashea]

I love Jesus more than all and he is my Lord and savior, the Messiah, the Christ, King of Kings and Lord of Lords, Jesus Christ the truth, Jesus King of the jews, the rest on the earth and that much being God's son. as my Lord and savior, the Messiah, the Christ, King of Kings and Lord of Lords, Jesus Christ the truth, Jesus King of the jews and the rest on the earth and that much being God's son, hope your brother makes a full recovery and they should not want payment to sustain his life and if this the renamed united states were back in natives hands and not the colonists no payment would be asked surely but actual communities where you actually care for one another would arise, again hope he makes a full recovery and love you and your families.

[disruptxrr]

that movie was fucking terrible

[leftoversludge]

argggghhhhhhhuuuhhhhhhhggghhhh

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

[tankgotstuckinthecircusgate]

anna or lily going into a convent (and being in america) and carlo can use that as a reputation boost hhhhhhhh

[smileymoth]

I think its really stupid that thinking about dsmp actually makes me really sad cuz around the time that i learned about it and the lore (that i then proceeded to forget bc i wasnt in the mcrp grindset yet...sad) my dad got diagnosed with cancer so now whenever people talk abt how dsmp is about grief im like yeah man it sure is my dad fucking died 2 months after i learned about the maniac who blew up a city and that other guy who got his skull smashed in with an anvil

[bluestjayy]

Maybe I'm just cursed 🤪

[emptylotfiasco]

it really is humbling to like something nobody else likes. And by humbling I mean im at my breaking point

[mr-seamonster]

My reminders: research subsection!!

Me, working on "research subsection" for the past 7 or so hours intermittently:

[the-casbah-way]

i just think it's so unfair that when i left high school my entire support system was gone overnight and i was just expected to get on with it with no help and because i wasn't diagnosed back then no one believed me or accommodated for me or cared, so i had to postpone my degree for two years and watch all my friends graduate without me and move to different cities and i went from being a straight a student who never had to study in their life to barely scraping the minimum grades and never showing up to class because i had convinced myself i was too stupid and slow to ever get my degree because i wasn't getting any of the support i kept asking for and was expected to read and listen to lectures without any help and keep up with everyone else when none of my support needs were being met. and now after trying for five years to find a way to get the degree i always wanted my uni have told me they're not going to let me do it anymore because of one module requirement that i missed because i was in hospital against my own choice. and even after i said i would use the entirety of my savings which i specifically worked for so that i could have a safety net for my studies to pay for the extra year required to get the module they need they've still said no. even though there's a bunch of spare places on the course and it wouldn't impact my timetable at all. even though i got As in every assignment i did for that course compared the the Bs and Cs i used to get in every other subject. even when i told them that i can't keep doing a science based humanities subject because i have dyscalculia and it's literally impossible for me to get through a single sentence of reading on my own, compared to the module i want to do where my lecturer literally bought me extra course textbooks with his own money because i finished everything else on the reading list in my own time and he said he was impressed with the work i sent him. i told them that me and my brother are the first in my family to go to uni, and how neither of my parents finished school or have any qualifications, and i never though in a million years i would ever get to have a degree and i've had everything stacked against me because their uni is 99% rich able bodied neurotypicals and i'm so close to graduating even though i had no support at all for the first four years. and they still don't care. they can't even give me a reason as to why they won't let me get the degree i want. they just keep saying 'we're not in a position to let you do the extra module' over and over again and i don't even understand what they mean. i'm going to pay for it myself. they have spare spaces on the course. i don't understand what else i can do to make them listen. they talk so much about diversity and accessibility yet every other poor and disabled person i talk to (and there's barely fucking any at this uni because they don't want us to be there) has been through similar experiences and had opportunities taken away from them because they were too unwell to attend one single fucking class. i don't know what to do but i've been here way too long and tried way too hard to drop out now. but i also can't bear to not to the degree i've always dreamed of. i don't want to do anything else

[mageofminge]

do you guys ever have nightmares about getting a fish tank only for the fish to die within the day you get it due to some really horrible and also easy to avoid errors?