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dogbearinggifts · 6 years ago

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“Dad Sent Me to the Moon” vs. “Because Dad Made Me”

How Luther and Vanya Talk About Trauma, Part Three

Before I begin my analysis of Episode 4, I feel I should warn you: I kinda break my own rule here. Namely, I said in the beginning that I would compare Luther’s mentions of his time on the Moon to Vanya’s mentions of her exclusion, and sort of implied I’d leave it at that. But after seeing how Luther approaches his own forcible mutation, and thinking on it for a while, I concluded that I can’t limit Luther’s trauma mentions to the Moon. The moment where Reginald mutates him without his consent and leaves him alone to adjust is too pivotal for his character, the way he talks about it reveals a lot about how he regards his own trauma in general, and it actually sets up an interesting contrast for how he addresses his time on the Moon after the big reveal in Episode 6.

So, from now on, if Luther or another character brings up his mutation, I’ll include it in my trauma counts. If it turns out I’d forgotten about another trauma Vanya addresses later in the series, I’ll add that one in too.

Part One

Part Two

Episode 4: Man on the Moon

The first trauma mention in this episode is brief, and it comes while Vanya is walking with Leonard to rehearsal.

Leonard: You’re doing it again. Vanya: Force of habit. It’s just—when I was a kid, I felt like I had to apologize for even breathing. Leonard: Tell me about it. I don’t think my dad ever forgave me for being born.

Once again, we see Vanya bringing up her own trauma. Although this mention is more appropriate to the conversation at hand, its presence reveals a lot about how Vanya approaches her painful childhood.

First of all, we see her, once again, using it to explain her own behavior. Why does she apologize all the time? Because when she was a kid, she felt like she had to apologize for her own existence. She was made to feel guilty for taking up space in a house filled with young demigods, and that habit has followed her into adulthood.

However, this also shows the progress she’s made in processing her own trauma: She is able to connect her present behavior to her past scars, and she understands how the latter influences the former. Even without her offer to Five to recommend a therapist she’d seen, this remark would be enough of a hint for viewers to surmise she had either seen a therapist or read some quality self-help books. That therapist, whoever she was, helped Vanya untangle some of her childhood and get a clearer idea of why she approaches relationships the way she does. It’s unclear whether Vanya always understood (on some level) that the abuse was not her fault, or if the therapist she saw helped her see that, but either way, the result is the same: Vanya knows that what happened to her was not her fault, and that influences the way she talks about it.

But most of all, this snippet shows just how readily Vanya addresses her own trauma. She’s not shy about bringing it into a conversation—and not always as a swipe at her sister. Here, she’s not trying to remind Leonard that he was shitty to her in the past; she’s simply telling him what she knows about herself so he can understand her better. And Leonard brings up a bit about his own painful childhood, so they commiserate. This isn’t a bad thing, in the real world. Trauma and abuse survivors often benefit greatly from sharing their experiences and learning that they’re not alone. The fact Vanya feels comfortable addressing her trauma with someone she trusts is not in itself bad. The fact she’s chosen to trust a manipulative pile of walking garbage with a face is.

************

Shortly thereafter, Allison wakes Luther to show him what happened to Grace. Luther’s reaction is, to put it lightly, subdued—he shows little emotion and his statements are matter-of-fact.

Allison: Poor Diego. I mean, this is gonna be so hard on him. Luther: It’s hard on all of us. Allison: Luther? Are you okay? I mean, you know you can talk to me. Luther: I don’t want to discuss it. Allison: Hey, no. Don’t do that. Don’t shut me out. When I left, you were still… I mean, what…what happened? Luther: Dad sent me on a mission. And it went…badly. I almost died. He saved my life. Allison: Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped you through it. Luther: I was fine. All right? I am fine. I don’t need any help. Allison: People are attacking our family. I mean, come on. Talk to me. Luther: I can’t. I…please. Just leave me alone.

Here we see the first onscreen mention of Luther’s mutation, and—as with the first onscreen mention of his time on the Moon—it is Allison who brings it up first. And in a similar vein, Luther’s answers are brief, although with the Moon, Luther waxed poetic about the sunrise and his “world turning to white glass.” His answers here, in contrast, could almost be considered bare-minimum sort of answers—he’s saying as little as he can while still answering the question.

It’s clear that Allison is trying to help. Luther gave her space to talk about her power abuse before; now she is giving him space to talk about his mutation. And he rejects the invitation. She accepted his help prior to this; now he’s saying “I don’t need any help. I’m fine.” And it would be easy to dismiss this exchange as Luther not wanting to appear weak, or as him not caring about what happened to him—but both of those assumptions would be off the mark.

We learn later that Reginald considered Luther’s mutation a failure on his part. It was an emergency procedure undertaken to pull Luther back from the brink of death, and at the time Reginald likely had no idea what all of the side effects would be. He only learned the hard way, once Luther awoke to find his body was, for all intents and purposes, gone and replaced with a new one. And don’t think I’m defending Reginald here; if he had no idea what would happen, staying with his son until he awoke, ensuring he had someone there to explain it to him and keep him from panic, was the very least he could do, and he didn’t even do that much.

Now, imagine what the recovery must have been like for Luther. The procedure would’ve been explained to him at some point—maybe by Reginald, maybe by Grace or Pogo—but he knows why he looks the way he does, so he must have heard it from someone. He knows it was necessary to save his life. He knows he’d be dead if it hadn’t happened. But if Reginald considered it a failure, how did that impact his relationship with Luther? Did he never look at his son again without disappointment filling his eyes? Did he simply avoid Luther from that point on, refusing to look at the reminder of how badly he’d miscalculated on that serum? Did he send Luther on mission after mission just to get him out of the house, or did he sequester him away from the world, barking orders to get back to training every time Luther crossed his path? Is he the one who told Luther to hide his body beneath that overcoat, or did Luther choose it himself in response to the shame his Dad taught him to feel?

Grace and Pogo wouldn’t have been abusive toward Luther, true. But they wouldn’t have been supportive, either. Judging by an earlier conversation with Diego, it seems Grace’s programming will not allow her to speak badly of Reginald, and Pogo is always careful to avoid saying anything that might be construed as ingratitude. Grace would have gone on treating Luther the way she always had, and Pogo would probably have done much the same, but neither would have been available if he needed to vent. Neither would have listened if he’d needed to cry, or scream, or shout obscenities at his dad. They could have given him a refuge from Reginald’s shame and abuse, but they couldn’t have given him what he really needed: someone to say “Holy shit, Luther, that’s fucked up. You don’t deserve all that.”

With all that in mind, it’s no wonder he is, to borrow Allison’s words, shutting her out. It’s the only way he knows to deal with that trauma. Just shut it out and keep going. But I’d like to note exactly what he says there: “I can’t.”

This line, to me, shows two things: self-awareness and an acknowledgment of past attempts to come to terms. He’s had time to go over what was done to him—several years, in fact—and it seems he’s tried to find some sort of closure. But he never could. He was never given the tools to do so, because the one tool he needed—an acknowledgement that his dad was abusive—was always withheld from him. His emotions are a jumble of internalized shame and anger and self-loathing and resentment and gratitude, but he can’t untangle the knot and every attempt just leaves him in more pain than he was before. So he leaves the knot alone. It’s not a good solution by any stretch, but it’s all he has.

***********

Not too long later, we see a very different reaction to Luther’s mutation, when Luther is going through Five’s room in search of clues and Diego happens by. I apologize for the length of this quote, but I don’t think a shorter one conveys everything worth discussing here.

Luther: Do you know about Mom? Diego: Well, looks like you got what you wanted. One way or another, right? Luther: Want to tell me what you’re doing here? Diego: Looking for Five. Luther: Oh, and let me guess, you’re gonna save the day. Diego: It’s what I do. Asshole. Luther: Really? Last I checked, you mopped floors. Diego: And what do you do? Sit on the Moon, for four years, waiting for orders? Pogo: Boys! This won’t help us find Five! Diego: Keep on being a loyal soldier? After everything our father did to you? Luther: You mean save my life? Diego: No, I mean….turn you into a monster. Luther pauses a few seconds, then drives his fist through the wall near Diego’s head. Diego: Can’t hide it anymore, champ. Luther: He had a difficult decision to make and he made it. Diego: Grow up, Luther, we’re not thirteen anymore. Luther: That’s what leaders do, by the way. Diego: He sent you on that mission all alone. Almost got you killed. Luther: Yeah, well, at least he was there. Where were you? You and everyone else in this family? You walked out. Diego: And thank Christ that I did, or I would’ve ended up just like you. Pause Let me ask you a question. When you watch one of those nature shows…does it turn you on?

If you want to, you can look at this conversation as both a response to Diego’s trauma and a mention of Luther’s, but the mention of Diego’s trauma is so brief and the subject changes so quickly that I won’t count it. However, I will note that the argument begins with a simple, non-accusatory question from Luther: He wants to know if Diego heard the bad news about Grace. That’s all he asks, but Diego turns it into a dig at Luther, which prompts the argument.

Now, I apologize ahead of time if I get off-topic for a minute, but this scene is one of the most cannibalized in the fandom. Those who dislike Luther to begin with cherry-pick his worst moments—mocking Diego for mopping floors, punching through the wall—and pass them around as if they are things Luther did entirely unprovoked because he’s that much of an asshole. But that is not what happens here. The scene begins with Diego twisting a simple inquiry into a swipe at Luther—for no real reason I can see, aside from Diego’s unresolved anger toward the rivalry Reginald introduced to their relationship—and escalates into an argument when Diego deliberately tries to enrage Luther.

Knowing Diego, and knowing what he says of Reginald before and after this argument, it’s clear that his digs at Luther have a purpose: He wants Luther angry not at him, but at Reginald. He wants Luther to see that Reginald was the villain and get him to place the blame for his problems where it belongs. But the end does not, in any way, justify the means Diego chooses to employ.

Think about how little Luther says to Allison regarding his mutation. “Dad sent me on a mission. And it went badly. I almost died. He saved my life.” How he tells her not just that he doesn’t want to talk about it, but that he can’t. Think back to the lengths he went to in order to hide it. Unless Reginald kept the Academy at a temperature more suited for snowmen than for people, it can’t be comfortable to wear that overcoat indoors all the time. Think about the way he stared at his body in the mirror, as if it were an unwanted stranger. Luther might have come to accept accept his body on the most basic “I’m stuck this way so there’s no point trying to change it” level, but he certainly is not okay with it.

So what does Diego resort to in order to get a rise out of him? Body-shaming.

I don't think it’s possible to overstate how devastating this is for Luther. If you watch this scene again, pay attention to his expressions. He’s angry, yes, but he’s also hurt. Diego has found his sore spot and is stabbing at it repeatedly—similar to the way Leonard later tries to enrage Vanya with chants of “Ordinary! Less than ordinary! Not special!�� And just as the attack on Vanya comes from a man she thought she trusted and loved, the attack on Luther comes from his own brother. It’s not just devastation Luther is feeling; it’s betrayal.

***********

Running count of trauma mentions (cumulative of all episodes thus far)

Own Trauma: Vanya 3, Luther 3 Trauma of Others: Vanya 1, Luther 1

Read on to Part Four

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grifffinclarke · 6 years ago

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jules did conageddon 2: a recap (pt. 1)

OKAY. SO. i am aware that i’m a week late, but it turns out that weekend-long cons in another country take quadruple the amount of energy as going for a single day in a nearby city, and the recovery process has been a nightmare for my lil chronically ill heart.

STILL WORTH IT THOUGH.

anyway. prepare for a bunch of emotional rambling, because i still can’t find the right words to explain just how much i love this guy right here. every single interaction i had with him, even the smallest of moments, just proved to me even more that bob morley is a literal angel and we do not deserve him.

i arrived in boston on thursday, a day before the first con activities (will call/VIP party) would start. i spent a decent amount of time in the lobby, meeting new people, making friends. the cast arrived that day as well and would pass through occasionally. nobody really approached them because we wanted to give them space, it was really chill and respectful and cool.

THEN. tom (one of the con organizers) came in with bob and richard, started chatting with my mom while i was with my friends and was like “WHERE IS SHE!!!” and suddenly i was being pulled over to the group. he wanted to tell bob all about how he helped make sure i was able to get his VIP package. i was dying of embarrassment at this point and was internally like i am so sorry i don’t want to bother you i will leave ASAP but bob just gave me the biggest smile, thanked me and pulled me in for a hug and started talking to me about rooster teeth because i was literally in my RT pride shirt and sWEATPANTS BECAUSE I DIDN’T THINK I’D BE SEEING ANY OF THEM THAT DAY.

AND THIS WAS JUST THURSDAY. THE CON HADN’T EVEN STARTED YET.

on friday we had the VIP party, and it was super fun and super overwhelming. first party i’ve been to since before i got sick, and i got sick at the age of 14, so...... it was A Lot. when the cast came out, bob passed me on his way to the bar, and as he did he made sure to squeeze my shoulder and say hey again. i saw him again a lil later and he pulled me into another hug and asked me what i’d been up to all day and we talked about exploring boston. i was a lil stressed and dizzy throughout the whole night but i felt so calm when i was talking to him. also, a while after that i got to witness the great bob and eliza vs richard and luisa beer pong game up close and it was amazing.

saturday morning was our VIP breakfast meet and greet, which was such an incredible experience. during the big group photo afterwards we had to fit, like, 25 people + bob into this tiny little space and it was hilariously awkward having to sit right up front and being like BUT WHAT IF I BLOCK SOMEONE (clearly i think i’m taller than i actually am) while bob was in full director mode moving me into place by my shoulders and saying “don’t worry, i’ll find the camera” with a smirk lmfsjsjhd

ANYWAY. next i saw him at the autograph table, which is the first selfie you see up there. i really wish i’d had a friend around to record this one because the look on his face when i was explaining how happy i was to be medically cleared to come on this trip at all is something i’ll never forget. he pulled me around to his side of the table to give me the tightest hug. and then he casually asked me if i want to sit on his lap for our selfie???? (naturally my immediate response was WAIT ARE YOU SURE) it was the most considerate thing ever — i was using my cane, i was third in line and had been sitting the whole time, but he still didn’t want me to have to crouch down for our photos. MY HEART LITERALLY MELTED. i didn’t think it was possible to love this man any more than i already did (i was wrong). we also noticed during the selfies that his lil ponytail sort of matched my space buns which was super adorable.

later on that day was the murphamy photo op, which i was SO excited for. i’d actually had a pose in mind but as soon as it was my turn, i noticed that bob had a cane with him and i was like “CANE BUDDY!!!!!” and he said “YEAAAAH!!!! are we cane-ing it?” (for the pose) and it ended up being even better than what i’d planned. as we were posing he started making fun of richard for being left out of the whole cane buddies thing and richard was like “i was sad that i don’t have one!” after the picture was taken. what an iconic duo.

on sunday, i literally saw bob like 5??? different times. i went to his autograph line first thing in the morning, which is the second selfie you see up there. he gushed about richard and how much he loves working with him and like,,,, i am So here for this friendship. cutest thing in the world. witnessing it in person is precious. when it was time for the selfie he was like “come sit on my lap again!” while stretching out his bad leg again. then it was a solid 30 seconds of us fussing over each other because i was like I DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU and he was like I’M FINE WHEN I’M SITTING BUT YOU’RE IN PAIN SO SIT DOWN (side note: this whole weekend was literally everyone mom-friending me, from close mutuals to new friends to bob morley himself, and i love y’all so goddamn much for being so considerate and accommodating)

after that was photo ops. i had 2 photos but only one pose planned (the one on the right^) and when i showed him the pose reference he was like “you’re gonna be the little one, right?” and then laUGHED “how much littler can you get?” and then for the second one we bear-hugged which was lovely because i had full-body shakes throughout the whole weekend due to me overexerting myself and as we hugged he squeezed me even tighter after a moment and it relaxed me. i swear, the whole weekend he just Knew exactly what i was feeling and how to help without either of us saying anything and my heart is just so full.

after that, i went to his autograph line one last time to say a proper goodbye. i thanked him for how incredible the weekend was, and how intimate and fun the VIP experience was, especially because i didn’t think this trip would even be a possibility for me (to which he was like “oh shit!!! yeah” remembering what i’d said about getting medical clearance to fly) and he stood up to come give me another big hug and told me how glad he was that i made it after all. (he also remembered that we’d met before???? even though it was 2 years ago and i’d had blue hair, no cane, and was an anxious mess the entire time???) and y’all i am literally going to cRY AS I TYPE ALL OF THIS BECAUSE I TRULY ADORE THIS MAN MORE THAN ANYTHING AND I WILL ABSOLUTELY FLY MY CHRONICALLY ILL ASS OUT TO BOSTON AGAIN NEXT YEAR FOR HIM. all the pain, the extended dizzy spells, everything my body was and is still doing to punish me for being an active human for once in my life is SO WORTH IT because of him (and of course the rest of the cast).

#julianna rambles #conageddon 2 #bob morley #told y'all i'd write a literal essay #MORE EMOTIONAL RAMBLES ABOUT THE CAST STILL TO COME

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imperialsea-a · 6 years ago

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What is an aspect of your muse that you’ve wanted to explore the most? / Name one idea for a plot you’ve had but never gotten around to writing. / If you’re a multimuse or have more than one blog, is there a muse you wish you used more? / Name one of your favorite tropes.

easy meme for a burnt out mun & accepting.

♛ What is an aspect of your muse that you’ve wanted to explore the most?

hhhhhhh i don’t know, it fluctuates a lot? Though it mainly changes between the worst time of her life, and the best, that being: post-academy fall/association uprooting + yuuki’s awakening + surprise, eva’s not actually dead for now VS. she’s happily married w five kids and has grown up a LOT since her teen years.

Bethy is a naturally orderly and strong-willed person who, after making some tough decisions, becomes totally dedicated to her job as a hunter; she was born into that world at the peak of their society being the descendant of the Averill line + the only child of Kaien Cross who is a hunting legend– whatever his current status may be, and despite having struggles related to the social/emotional complexity of balancing out the human world, vampire society, and her own place in those realms, she remains determined to play her part in maintaining the peace. UNFORTUNATELY for her, she relied too much on the Association– I mean, she revolves her entire self-worth on being a hunter, and when things collapse? She does too. She feels disgusted stupid and used and worthless.

The rug’s been pulled out from under her, the status of her mother being alive isn’t exactly stable– her best friends are gone (bc yeah im including eiri in this THAT’S HER BERRY ; O ; ), she’s so furious (half-rationally,half not-so-much) with Kaien she could actually KILL him, and then she’s carted off back home with her grandparents (Florence + Alexandria) to recover since she’s also sustained some physical injuries along with the heaps of emotional strain. She’s not okay for a long time, but she does recover and returns to HQ eventually. So, I guess I’d like some threads during the time of her recovery? It’s flexible enough since she doesn’t stay cooped up indoors the entire time she’s away; after the first few weeks of serious depression, she begins going out and doing normal non-huntery things. Not 100 percent all better, not even when she does come back, but away from the entire work situation, she’s healing and learning to rebuild herself, and her self-worth doesn’t revolve solely around work/the few friends she’s managed to make. She’s finally living for herself, muh bby i cant– i love bethy sm, she develops so much here

OTHERWISE, I JUST LOVE MOM/ADULT! BETHY. She’s the happiest, healthiest version of herself and has really grown comfortable with the ‘imperfection’ of her situation– I mean, she got to marry for love (after her grandfather tried to set the man on fire) which is something she thought she never could do, her sister in-law is an aristocrat married to Takuma Ichijou aka weirdo from the strongest vampire noble family, her best friends are KURAN PUREBLOODS, and she’s on speaking terms with Kaien so–. who’d have thought. she even survives twins.

The first broken/recovery timeframe might lead to some more flexibility plot-wise / crossover-ish sort of things? since she’s not really h u n t i n g and is existing quite normally (though that’s not to say she won’t pick up 1 of several weapons and fight if she needs to), but- IDK I KINDA JUST RAMBLED / INCOHERENTLY DUMPED STUFF HERE.

♛ Name one idea for a plot you’ve had but never gotten around to writing.

I’m not overly plot-specific when it comes to threading with people, but I’m always open to it. I guess one I’d like is really simple: strangers meet + have a pleasant convo over some form of public transportation / helping the other with something, kinda gets really personal in conversation since whatever they’re doing is taking a l o n g time, and they kindly part ways, thinking they won’t see each other again, then meeting again some time later in an either mundane situation or ‘uh so someone’s destroying the city’-level action. what happens from there depends on characters / story? I had a thread sort of like this, and it led to one of the best relationships Bethy ever had, but the mun deactivated and I’m still kinda, like, sad about it kfjdlkfjd

That, or maybe something like–??? one muse saves the other from something, and they somehow end up getting stuck together through a really bad situation and help each other out. AS U CAN SEE, I don’t, uh, plot a lot . . . o w q ;;

as a sidenote, this goes across all my blogs: i love one-sided love :’D

♛ If you’re a multimuse or have more than one blog, is there a muse you wish you used more?

Arata and Eva, for sure but u knew that. It’s more just a matter of meee…….nnnot writing out their backstories, even though I have it all there. Arata (affectionately called RaRa/Rara ooc–) is a vampire hunter like Beth, from a really powerful family, who somehow ended up unofficially officially adopting 3 kids after a like, 7 yr old saved his punk 17 yr old butt from a vampire. he grew up, wears glasses for fashion bc he doesn’t need them, and is all around a really good guy; he’s kind of awkward and is a family disappointment, but he’s got hunting skills fo dayyyys, just ask the chunks of noble flesh for touching one of his bbys–. He’s no joke my favorite OC EVER, and if it weren’t for my inability to actually be active, i’d give him his own blog. I love RaRa, man.

As for Eva, she’s Elizabeth’s mother, for those who don’t know. She’s a fun character to write, though I don’t much for the above reasons of ‘no bio written for the public’–. She’s made mistakes, the big one sticking out as letting herself get cornered by the president (marrying kaien wasn’t one of her mistakes somehow), and was in the wrong place at the wrong time. As a consequence, she got bitten by a Pureblood, and the pres, being the opportunist he is, took advantage of that, locked her up, and held her prisoner for years. When she’s out, she’s got a lot of recovery to do, but she’s okay in the end. She’s also one of Bethy’s biggest influences, and where she learned her kindness/fun side from. bethy is a kind girl ok, she’s just got a few HIGHLY situational layers to get past– but yeah. I liked Eva so much I kept her alive; I can’t imagine my OCs without her now.

♛ Name one of your favorite tropes.

This is something I never really thought on before, since I don’t really pay attention to tropes. I don’t know what it would be called, but something pertaining to opposites or contradictions, I guess? Since, Bethy is practically a land-confused mermaid :’D and i associate her/gentle tides with water and the calmness+peace it brings her, but she herself, along with her family, is heavily fire-influenced, or in takashi’s case, WATER = NO, IM GOOD, THANK YOU. but somehow, it still works?

Same with her overall existence? she’s a beautiful liar/actress, but she doesn’t lie where it isn’t necessary. she has to keep her hunter/vampire involvement a secret– that’s something she’ll never casually spill, but she’s not really as closed off as she seems, the situation just needs to be right. ahh… bethy’s pretty open-minded to things despite how straight-laced she is, and it really shows later in life. love of her life = hunter from an incredibly nontraditional family. mother = lvl d vampire. two of her children = cursed twins. bffs = no joke all vamps. yuuki…eiri, zero– i dont think she has human friends outside of akemi. hhhhh….. ANYWAY, all of that, it’s far from the idea of ‘picture perfect’ she upholds through her early life, but in the end, it works out? and it is perfect, for her.

Not really a TROPE, i suppose . . . but she’s a bit of a mess in terms of contradictions both personally and thematically. if there’s a trope name for that, she’d fall into its category.

THIS IS RLLY LONG IM SORRY–

#long post #( granny hours: ooc answer. )#( answered. )#moonlittheft

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meyerlansky · 7 years ago

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So, I know your interests in the show are more focused elsewhere, but you've seen Boardwalk Empire a lot (I assume), so maybe you'll have a good answer. Why did it seem like Nucky and Margaret were so immediately interested in each other? Like, what about the other was alluring? I never got that. They always seemed like an odd pair to me.

honestly i think i’m too queer to give a satisfying answer to this but i will try uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh well so i think on nucky’s end margaret is sort of… she’s an interesting mix of qualities i don’t think he’s ever really encountered in a woman he’s been interested in since mabel’s death? because she is in dire straits at the start of s1, she needs to be saved, and that’s Nucky’s Thing, he enjoys playing the benefactor and the feeling of superiority [moral or monetary] he gets out of helping people less ruthless fortunate than him, especially women. at the same time, she’s whip fucking smart and a challenge in a way girls like lucy and even billie later aren’t; billie challenges nucky in terms of her independence and how he treats her as an individual, but margaret holds moral and political positions that are very contrary to some of nucky’s, and she’s not afraid to express them whether he likes it or not. the look he gives her when he sees her outside the celtic dinner is respect, not disdain, and [no shade intended on lucy here] he absolutely does not respect lucy, or any of the other women he has flings with. so i think a lot of nucky’s attraction to margaret is the desire to save her, the drastic difference in her intelligence and wit to the women we see nucky with/implied to have been with prior to margaret*, and the way those two mental images he has of her clash probably go a long way to explaining why he’s so interested in her, to say nothing of the fact that she’s gorgeous.

* he does respect sally, but i think it’s in the same way he respects margaret’s willingness to stick up for what she believes in, with the difference in beliefs being “i believe in the worth of all women and demand what’s best for my family” vs “i believe i can run rum and do business as good as any of you dicksucks”

figuring out margaret’s interest is a little harder for me because… she is a goddess and nucky is a jerkwad. but we’re all also sitting here having watched all five seasons, and we know exactly how he’s going to treat her down the line. in season one, all margaret knows is she’s just gotten out of a physically abusive relationship, and now a man she respects and who has enough money to not only keep her safe, but to afford her children opportunities they’d never get otherwise, is interested in a relationship with her. in early s1 nucky to margaret is respectful, well-mannered, and treats her kids very paternally, which is ultimately a thing she values the most about her relationship with him. plus like… it really can’t be overstated that she just got out of a relationship with a man who beat her so hard she miscarried. abuse recovery is not fast and it is not linear and it does not always mean you immediately realize that someone treating you better than the person who treated you the worst may still not be treating you as well as you deserve, and when that ‘less shitty but still shitty’ person is the closest person you have IMMEDIATELY after getting out of a really bad situation, margaret is probably downplaying anything that sets off any alarm bells for her in nucky’s behavior [at least until he gets violent]. so for her i think it’s sort of a mix of a rational calculus of “he has money, he can provide for my children and for me, and if it does turn sour he probably will not do anything as bad as what i’ve already survived from hans” and the more emotional component of “he saved me from hans and he genuinely seems to want to be a father to my children” that has her interested? those are my guesses at least. hopefully that makes some sort of sense?

#boardwalk empire #nucky thompson #margaret rohan #I'M REALLY TOO QUEER TO UNDERSTAND HETEROSEXUAL PLOTLINES WRITTEN BY HETEROSEXUAL MEN #i mean a ton of it is obviously also wish fulfillment stuff on the writers' parts #but i tried to address it from an in-universe characterization point of view i guess #Anonymous #asks

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eeveelutionsforequality · 7 years ago

Note

(1) As much as I know of the self diagnosis vs self advocacy debate, I haven't seen anyone talk about how to self advocate when it comes to mental health. I strongly suspect I am bipolar, since I have a confirmed history of major depressive episodes, but I also have periods of experiencing symptoms of hypomania. I was also subjected to bullshit social skills classes in high school (I'm autistic), which among other things, taught me to communicate indirectly to avoid hurting people's feelings.

(2) I know it is caused me problems with communicating, but I am still in the habit of doing that, and I realized that may be why I'm not getting anywhere when I bring it up to my therapist. I'm not comfortable with resorting to self-diagnosis at this time, but I also think the lack of a correct diagnosis is why therapy has not been helping me cope as much as it could. How do I bring it up in a way that will let my therapist know I want her to address my concerns?

I praise self-advocacy as an alternative to self-diagnosis, because those ballsy enough to walk into a psychiatrist's office or a conversation and declare "I have [thing]" are probably able to more rationally approach the subject in a "These are my symptoms and I think it could be this..." way. But just like how autobiographies aren't the only kind of biography, self-advocacy is far from the only kind of advocacy.

You don't need to be your own advocate, somebody else can come along and advocate for you - a friend, a family member, a volunteer from one of the local advocacy groups, etc. There's a group near me that advocates specifically for autistic people, for example.

If your conversation skills are inhibiting you from being able to adequately discuss things with a professional, you don't have to do it alone - it's definitely worth doing some googling, popping into some places that have leaflets for that sort of thing, etc, and finding out what's available near where you live if there's nobody in your life that can do that for you.

I have two advocates - one is a family member and one is an honourary family member. I do research, send it to them, and they keep notes about my symptoms, fluctuations, things I've shown them, etc, so that my memory issues don't become a barrier between me and what I want to explain. It's a life-saver.

At my last appointment, one came along and helped me fill in the forms, meaning that I got about twice the information down that I would've got down if I was relying on only my own brain. When I had to go to a tribunal, one came along then too, and they were excellent at spotting how the judge was trying to twist my words and butting in to correct him.

If you're more comfortable self-advocating then there are a number of things that you can do to make the process easier.

Firstly, keep a diary. Every day you need to write down your symptoms, your mood, notable moments, things you want to ask the doctor, food, fluid, sleep, alcohol, etc. Take that with you.

Secondly, go over that before the appointment and write yourself a "script". It doesn't need to be detailed or word for word, just get down the most important points and the way in which you want to convey them (NOT the way in which the memory of social skills classes tells you to convey them, but what you'd want somebody to say to you if they were trying to convey this effectively to you). Take that with you.

What I did with my DID was write a draft script on a piece of A4 paper a couple of weeks beforehand, and then I let my alters add to it or make notes on it with their opinions - I took that in with me and showed the doctor, and the differences in handwriting and wording had a much bigger impact than I was expecting and really helped in getting them to seriously consider that possibility.

Thirdly, don't waffle. I know it's tempting to be like "I have to get all of the details out in the first speech", but the therapist is going to ask questions afterwards. Boil what you need to say down to its key components, the facts that you need her to understand as the foundation moving forwards, and work out how to effectively convey those in less time than somebody would get the urge to interrupt - no tangents, no innuendo, just "This. That. The other thing too." But don't skip important details for the sake of brevity - find the balance.

Fourthly, make sure that you have the right psychiatrist. The counsellor that I had in college and the clinical psychiatrist that I had in hospital were both able to pick up on the things that made me more comfortable and more able to speak, and both knew not to interrupt me - the two of them learnt more about me and made me more comfortable than any other professional, just by letting me drink a hot chocolate and doodle on my phone. The psychologist who did my mindfulness therapy, on the other hand, insulted me for using my phone and my wall became 87% thicker in less than a second. You have to be working with somebody who lets you speak and who understands the way in which you speak.

Fifthly, if you know what helps you speak, tell them; if you don't know what helps you speak, begin the conversation with words to the effect of "I'm really struggling to get this out, but I prepared really hard, so I'd really appreciate it if you'd let me say my piece, and then we can discuss it afterwards instead of you interrupting me and making it harder for me to get out what I need to get out." If they then interrupt you, remind them that at the beginning of this they promised not to do so.

Remind yourself mentally that this is your therapy, this is your recovery, this is for you, this is important, and you deserve to be heard.

Sixthly, do research but downplay how much research you've done... "I stumbled across something that accurately described my experience and they called it hypomania" sounds a lot better than "I heard of hypomania on tumblr and spent twelve hours researching it" because the latter says to a doctor "I convinced myself that I have this because it sounded cool".

I was seeing psychiatrists back when the emo fad started, I was talking to them at the height of "Teenagers are all pretending to have depression because they read about it on the internet and think it's cool" days, so I know first-hand how eager some professionals can get to jump to that conclusion - unfortunately, there were times when seeing doctors felt more like a test of my ability to word the truth in a more digestible way than an opportunity to actually talk about how I was feeling.

An essential part of research should be to get your terms right - I fucked up back in the day because I referred to my compulsion to mime slitting my wrists or shooting myself in the head when I'm panicked as a "suicidal gesture" (however there's a medical term, "suicide gesture", that sounds almost identical and it means when you feign a suicide attempt by injuring yourself in a non-deadly manner, typically for attention) and not as a compulsion, which is part of how my OCD diagnosis got wrongly changed to a BPD diagnosis. I had never even heard of the terminology, I was just saying "I have to do a suicidal gesture when I'm panicking" meaning "When I'm panicked I have the compulsion to mime ways in which I envision killing myself", it was just poor wording, I had no idea that it was a medical term with an entirely different meaning. That created a huge misunderstanding, as you can imagine.

Seventhly is some advice that a friend gave me and honestly it's one of the best things that I've ever heard and comes in two parts: 1) play to your strengths, and 2) use your acting voice.

So part 2 is the easy one, everybody has something called a chest voice - it's a deeper voice that you use when singing or performing that projects better. Look up some YouTube videos on how to use your chest voice and practice it - it conveys a confidence that most people's normal voices do not. You could also stand in front of a mirror and work on your facial expressions.

Part 1 is a little more complicated and probably something that people will frown upon me for saying but... in this world you gotta be a little manipulative sometimes, you've got to assess situations and respond accordingly, you've got to word things certain ways.

I'm a very small, quiet person with an accent that immediately halves my IQ to everyone who hears it, it is near enough impossible for me to convey an air of superiority and maturity, but it's easy for me to play dumb and sweet. I can't get the psychiatrist to shut up by being somebody who sounds like I know what I'm talking about, if I get annoyed or snap it won't look like anger (I'm too quiet and I physically do not possess angry face muscles, I hate it), but if I go quiet and stare sadly at the floor then people notice and ask what's wrong. I can't get somebody to inherently assume that when I name a disorder I know what I'm talking about, but I can pretend that I've never heard of it or heard it in passing, and lead them into suggesting it.

I'm an extreme case in this regard and it's usually not a good idea to hide your real emotions and act when you're in a scenario where somebody is literally monitoring your body language for signals... there are definitely hardcore disadvantages and risks to that, and I am most certainly not recommending misleading your doctor, in fact I'm actively advising against doing that (I'm just saying that I do that sometimes, because I'm a dick and because my voice trying to yell "Shut the fuck up!" when I feel that angry usually only earns an "It doesn't even sound like swearing when you do it, that's adorable." because I'm fucking cursed).

What I am saying though is that I can't tell you exactly how to act (in fact, I'd be encouraging you to do something that I literally just said is bad if I did tell you how to act), I can't tell you exactly what words to say, where to put your hands, etc. The tip here is that you've got to be able to improvise, to assess the situation, to adapt, to know what you are and are not capable of and work within that, to see when a path is either going nowhere or going off topic and figure out how to direct it back, you've got to know how to talk to that specific person (professionals are just people, at the end of the day, and every person is different in how they speak and how they like being spoken to - some respond best to you casually bringing stuff up, some respond to structure, some click with you, some really don't).

Eighthly and most importantly, don't let any of this get you nervous. This advice is almost a "How to survive some of the shittiest doctors I had" sort of thing. The most likely outcome is that they're going to listen intently to what you have to say, trust you, respect you, ask the appropriate questions, and help you make sense of what's going on.

I have no doubt that you can do this and that you will absolutely rock it - you don't need that confidence in yourself, but reminding yourself that it's going to go well, that you're badass, that the professional is there to help you, and that they'll want this information as much as you want them to have it, that stuff will help. Believe in the heart of the cards, or the power of friendship, or your Pokémon, or something.

So, to put all this into something vaguely actionable (although I can't really give you much specific advice because I don't know what's going on in your head, so this is just like... idk vague template example thingy), the foundation of what you want your doctor to know is "I have the symptoms of hypomania, I want you to seriously consider the possibility that this is bipolar and not just depression."

In your symptom diary, keep track of the symptoms of hypomania - irritability, sleeplessness, recklessness, elation, etc - note down when they show up, how bad they are, how they impact you, your food and fluid and alcohol intake, the times of day when certain things happened, how well and long you slept, etc, but also jot down the depressive episodes and other potential symptoms, in case you need to answer questions in regards to those.

Next, write down the key points that you want to bring up on a separate note: how often did the symptoms generally show up? for how long? which are the most damaging? what is the worst thing that happened as a result?

Now you're in the appointment with your note and diary, you've told the doctor "You know I have some communication issues so I really need you to let me say what I've prepared, because I feel like the fact that the things I'm about to discuss aren't being addressed is really inhibiting my therapy." The doctor has agreed to let you speak and you've got your notes in front of you, and you say (a more applicable to you equivalent of) "I started a symptom diary a little while ago, I've brought it with me - I made note of symptoms, food intake, medication, sleep, and so on. I noticed that I was getting exceptionally irritable and hyperactive, especially during periods of a few days when I wasn't exhibiting as many of the depression symptoms, and I've ruled out sleep, food, and other factors as causes. On the fourth of last month, I got so restless that I couldn't sit down and I actually gave myself blisters pacing back and forth for six hours - while during the depressive episodes I can barely even manage to walk to the bathroom let alone pace. I came across an article online while looking up ways to ease the irritability, and I found that a few people described things incredibly similar to what I was going through, and they used the term 'hypomania'. I was hoping that we could talk through the symptoms that I've documented, and you could help me get my head around what's going on and how to treat it."

Then the doctor asks her questions, you answer as honestly and fully as you can, and try to cite evidence from your symptom diary.

If you can't manage to say the words that you need to say to start off such a conversation, then instead of just writing notes you could fully write out what it is that you want to say, and ask them to read it - explaining that you feel especially anxious about your ability to vocally express this, but it needs to be addressed because it's negatively impacting your therapy and your state of life.

Or, as I suggested at the beginning, have somebody else come along as an advocate.

That's just my advice stemming from my own experience... for some people, this advice might be unhelpful. As I mentioned earlier, you need to assess your situation, assess what you are and are not capable of, assess how your doctor usually responds to you, what they respond well to and what they respond poorly to, and so on - everybody's situation is different, so there isn't a list of "This is exactly what to say and do to get a doctor to listen to you" (as much as the crowd of people who adore convincing doctors that they have the next fad would love for there to be something like that). Ultimately, like any conversation, it's about what works best for the two individuals involved in that specific conversation.

Since I've broached this less from a general self-advocacy stand point (heck, I may even have pissed off self-advocacy people because a lot of this was "tips on how to stop shitty doctors being shitty" rather than all of the stuff about keeping records and knowing your rights and so forth) and more from a "personalized tips pulled from Vape's ceramic jar of ways to avoid my shitty mistakes", I'm now going to give you a handful of links to some more professional self-advocacy sites, and I recommend that you do proper research on the topic for a few hours on google. As flattered as I am that you came to me, and as hopeful as I am that my advice helps in some way, me waffling about the ways I avoid getting screwed over again isn't professional advice - I'm very aware, as someone who's worked in a youth group, that I am not the fountain of all knowledge and that it is my job to pass you on to those more capable and to ensure that you know that my word isn't law.

So check out some of these and do more specific research and googling when you have the time (these aren't all about self-advocacy in medical care, some are about self-advocacy in other areas or advocacy in general, but I hope the advice may still be useful):

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/advocacy/#.WlaI26CnzqA

http://www.familyaware.org/how-to-model-mentalhealth-selfadvocacy/

http://www.cooltanarts.org.uk/what-we-offer/self-advocacy/

https://www.voiceability.org/support-for-you/self-advocacy/

http://www.dhs.state.il.us/page.aspx?item=39797

https://www.ncld.org/archives/action-center/what-we-ve-done/self-advocacy-5-tips-from-a-student

https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/9767596

https://www.includenyc.org/resources/video-detail/10-self-advocacy-tips-for-young-people-with-disabilities

https://www.kidney.org/content/5-tips-self-advocacy

Also, full disclosure, I haven't thoroughly read all of these and I'm low on sleep and running on way more caffeine than I should really have had... I'm probably not in the best state to be imparting important information right now, but I really hope that somewhere in this jumble I said something that was useful. (I also love how the quality just gradually declines after I start craving a cigarette at the midway point... I'm so sorry.)

EDIT: PS I'm sorry that I got pronouns and job titles and stuff jumbled up all through this, uhh, my brain is running on super fast mode right now so it's not really accessing all of the important files or deeper processing. I'm sorry, again.

Alternatively, if your therapist is super great and trusts you "I think I've been experiencing hypomania, and I think this may be bipolar and not just depression" will work fine... but the symptom diary, that is a good tip for anybody and everybody, regardless.

~ Vape

#Mod Vaporeon #I really do hope this helps #also sorry if I'm acting a bit weird and sporadic #speaking of mania #I don't get many manic phases lately so I'm really not prepared for if this one lasts #and the caffeine is making it worse

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cryptoriawebb · 7 years ago

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My Little Pony: the Movie (review)

I really wanted to love this movie. I really really did.

I’ve been following along this series almost from the beginning; when I heard a proper animated film was in the works I was very excited. I had no idea what lay in store, of course, but it seemed like such a milestone, and rightly deserved. I can’t believe this series has come as far as it has, and still going after all these years. Not only that, but the characters have continued to grow organically, one-off characters return and develop as well, and story arcs went from episodic to partially serialized. It’s really inspiring for someone like me, to see a little show about colorful ponies evolve into quite frankly, a phenomenon I’ve never before seen. Nor have I seen a company/studio respond the way Hasbro did: they’ve really seemed to embrace their fanbase and both broadened and improved their merchandise along with it. I’ve said it before but I really hope one day I’m able to create something with half as much meaning and inspiration as I’ve seen My Little Pony give so many others, myself included.

So to walk away from their film with a mediocre “meh” hurts me to admit. It really does. I wanted something new, fresh and impressionable from this movie. Both the plot and characters felt standard, expected and honestly, tired because of that. The Storm King felt essentially like a rehashed Tirek, without half the same terror. While I maintain season four of MLP was essentially Dragonball’s Goku vs Freeza, it was still one heck of a finale. Tirek stands as my favorite villain in the series: he was threatening, powerful and quite honestly, terrifying in his own right. He straight up ate magic. Changed physically because of it. Came very very close to destroying Equestria and my gosh I wanted to feel that same sense of dread in the movie. I didn’t. Instead, I saw a wannabe and less-impressive Tirek conquer Equestria in a less-impressive way. He also received no backstory whatsoever. I suppose that’s the case with most MLP villains, I suppose I just hoped for something different in the first feature for this incarnation.

Likewise, I also hoped for a far more interesting backstory for Tempest. She had such a presence on-screen, and I’ve never seen the concept of a broken horn explored before. Her song, too, was by far the most powerful in the film…which is why I was so disappointed to learn she became the way she was through an Ursa Major attack. Ursa Majors are huge and intimidating, I get that, it just seemed a bit weak for such a powerful villain against friendship…and reminded me strongly of Starlight Glimmer’s origin. A pony turned against others due to feeling abandoned. Just like Tirek, Starlight’s conclusions and subsequent revenge against the mane six made for a much greater impact. I’m also not at all surprised she turned around when the Storm King (surprise surprise, I say sarcastically) betrayed her but Twilight saved her. How often has this happened in the series? I know friendship is Twilight’s title, and the focus of the series, but I wanted something stronger, something—as I said—unique to this movie.

Honestly, Tempest embodies a lot of what I love about Zira from Simba’s Pride (the Lion King sequel, because there are some people who don’t know that.) The way she carries herself, speaks and sings…just with a lot less maniacal bloodlust. The murderous mania I can do without, I just wish Tempest felt more like a villain, a proper villain. The Storm King, too. They were caricatures, and I don’t think caricatures don’t always work well in a feature.

Villains aside, I also had a lot of problems with the behavior of the mane six. From what I’ve read, production for this movie began in 2014, which would explain why they act so different from the ponies we see in season 7, now. I don’t believe the Twilight of 2017 would angrily state it might’ve been better if she hadn’t been friends with Pinkie and the others. I also do not believe she would have tried to steal a magic pearl. Ever. Even in season one. That is not a Twilight thing to do, no matter the stakes. Of course, compared to the others she was the only one taking this entire threat seriously. I’d witness fear and dread in her friends but then they’d carelessly make a scene and draw attention to themselves, something that, again, did not work for a feature like this. I know this movie is primarily for children, but the balance between humor and darkness didn’t flow as well as it does in the series itself. With more time to carry out a story, it should have. (Also, didn’t Spike get over his Rarity-crush?) Most of the characters behaved like they might have in seasons three or four, not seven. It felt really out of place and at times took me out of the urgency.

On a more positive note, I adored the seapony sequence. Everything about it: the backstory, the design and visuals, and the characters! I will say I figured out pretty quick they held some kind of relation to the hippogriffs, but it was cool nonetheless! The princess’ introduction felt very “Little Mermaid.” Kind of a fun nod, although I’m not entirely sure if it was intentional. Definitely the best part of the movie. A friend of mine pointed out—and I agree, actually—a movie set almost entirely underwater would’ve been a lot more fun than what we got. It was so colorful, and the origin blurb has a lot of potential for deeper development. Pinkie Pie was by far my favorite of the mer-designs!

I’ll go back to visuals in a second: I want to talk about characters for a minute. I don’t for a second think there needed to be as many new characters as there were. Was it cool to see pirate-bird-creatures-seriously-what-were-they and an anthromorphic cat? Yes, yes it was. Did we need them? No. No we didn’t. Too many characters, not enough time to develop them beyond tropes seen time and again. I would’ve preferred the creative team use this opportunity to bring more minor characters to the forefront: a “Slice of life” combined with the mane cast for an epic adventure or something. Actually—and I was talking to the same friend about this—if this movie had been written even a year later, it might’ve been a great opportunity to throw Starlight at the forefront of the other mane ponies to rescue/stop a corrupted Twilight Sparkle. I know that’s not something done so easily in a kid’s movie: they want to root for their favorite princess to save the day. However…Midnight Sparkle made such a great impact, at least I think so, in Equestria Girls, and the older Tempest might very well have succeeded in corralling a disheartened Twilight to her side, even if she were reluctant. Maybe Twilight’s magic gained an explosive side when reacting to negative emotion: similar to Tempest and even Starlight. Or maybe she really felt like there was no other way out or that she hurt her friends beyond recovery or something… just something. Something better. I’m not sure how I felt about the series kind of making fun of itself, either. I liked that they were out of their element, that their streak of making friends and solving problems so easily wasn’t working and yet essentially did by the end. However, they’ve traveled to other kingdoms before, and made friends, solved problems in these kingdoms, despite not always seeing eye to eye with the locals. It seemed a little weird they’d grow frustrated with themselves over leaving equestrian and expecting the same results: they have left Equestria and gotten the same results. Makes enough sense to me they’d grow used to expectation.

Now to the visuals.

WOW. W-O-W. Absolutely stunning in every, and I do mean every, possible way. Fluid, colorful, sparkly, the very definition of eye candy. I can’t get over it. The added shadows and movement in their hair, eyelashes, everything…I wish the show were animated like that all the time. It was a tiny bit jarring, trying to adjust to so much more on a big screen but I’m not complaining. There were definitely a few shots in there I’m sure the studio put in to show off their animation but again, not complaining. They worked hard on this movie and deserve to show off.

It was also really wonderful to see an animated film reminisce the hand-drawn cel-animated look of old. I know that computer-generated look is cheaper and the next “big” step in animation, but I’m a little old school at heart. Disney, Don Bluth, Dreamworks, you name it: they created such wonderful, fluid work back in the day…I miss it. Some highlights that stood out to me: THE EYES. They were so big and sparkly. So expressive. My gosh. The hair/mane, especially on Celestia and Luna. Such volume! Really mystical. The sonic rainboom, however foolish of Rainbow Dash, might’ve been the most visually appealing moment in the film. So vibrant and rich. Wow. As I said, the seapony sequence. Although Tempest’s magic gets special mention because I definitely felt her rage and dazzling power whenever it went off.

I can’t think of anything else to add…I think this about sums up my thoughts. If there’s anything else, it’s the jokes/references to Hungry Hungry Hippos and the Wizard of Oz. Not necessary, exactly, but done, at least I thought, with more taste than Moana’s attempt at pop culture. As much as I loved that movie. Setting them in the background, or split apart amongst a group made you do a doubletake: a ‘listen-close-or-you-might-miss-it’ sort of thing. I liked that.

So to sum up: Average movie, not good or bad, although disappointed with the storytelling. I’ve seen this team do so much more, pull off concepts that would otherwise come across dull and cliché. What happened?

#my little pony #my little pony friendship is magic #my little pony the movie #mlp fim #twilight sparkle #tempest shadow #the storm king #seaponies #apple jack #rarity #fluttershy #rainbow dash #pinkie pie #movie reviews #returnedtothecrypt

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lovelesswiki · 8 years ago

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Post-Moonless predictions— The Mole (4/10)

previous part<--[here] --> next part

for the last week or so, i’ve been talking about a large theory i’ve been writing. since finishing it, i’ve decided to publish it in parts, since it’s actually about 10 different theories all on one subject. since it’s all written out, i’ll try to be publishing one part of this per day.

essentially, this is a set of theories about what i believe will have to happen in order to properly lead up to a climax--the one we’ve been building up to for years and years now. so, these are what i theorize will happen after the first moonless vs beloved battle, broken up into ten different parts. each theory is explained and theres images for each one.

table of contents (bolded is the post you’re looking at):

moonless and beloved will rematch (1)

soubi will fall into a deep depression and possibly become suicidal (2)

ritsuka will arrive at seven voices, SM’s activity will be revealed (3)

SM will reveal that there was a mole in their organization (4)

kio will be the one to take ritsuka to goura (5)

ritsuka will find things out about soubi and the aoyagi family (6)

SM’s true purpose will be revealed. ritsuka will have to make a decision about good vs evil (7)

seventh SM member will be revealed (8)

nagisa will find out what really happened to sanae (9)

ritsuka will be asked to join SM to fill the aoyagi seat (10)

Theory: after arriving at goura, SM will reveal to ritsuka that they have/had a mole in their group. this will be bad because the organization is already dysfunctional and suspicions could cause the entire thing to fall apart and probably has already had a huge effect.

one of my biggest current gripes about loveless is the fact that we spent 8 volumes building up to who septimal moon is and why they’re out for seimei, but right after we actually got to meet them and everything in their organization went to shit, they were almost completely dropped in-plot. mikado was introduced and expanded upon, but mostly as moonless and seimei’s rival and not as a member of septimal moon. the latter seems to be a secondary part of her characterization. the things that happened at seven voices, we never got follow-up on.

and fuck, a lot of things happened at seven voices. part of the school was destroyed. one of the key members of SM was badly injured and had his eyes torn out of his head. another member, who’s apparently paralyzed, disappeared out of her wheelchair. seven and nagisa both had near breakdowns–seven’s being over her security system being so easily infiltrated and nagisa’s being over ritsu’s injury and natsuo and youji. a huge amount of data was stolen from the organization. students and faculty were injured and some were in critical condition. the safety of many students and of the organization as a whole were put in jeopardy and SM was forcibly given the confirmation that the kid who betrayed them is still alive and 100% out for blood.

(i’d be pretty mad too if my systems were compromised as badly as seven’s were. 30% is an actual fuckton of data.)

however, we have absolutely no follow-up on any of this. what did they do about security? what about the data stolen? did they rebuild the school? how has ritsu’s recovery been and what’s he like now that he’s physically disabled? how did nagisa actually feel about natsuo and youji choosing soubi as a parent over her? what the hell are they doing about chouma? what did they tell the students and kids who all witnessed a high-level break in and some of which were badly injured? who were the other people who were apprehended? what did SM do about bloodless, who they knew were the ones to steal the data? what do they know about mikado’s current actions against beloved, or is mikado primarily acting out of primary interest?

(you can’t tell me that something like this doesn’t cause some sort of pr disaster.)

if yun does not show us anything that has happened with SM and at seven voices in the last few months, i will be more disappointed in her than i have ever been (which is saying a lot), because we spent 8 volumes building up to the incident at seven voices and not following up on any of the things that happened there is extremely bad writing. so im going with the theory that since much of the story is told through ritsuka learning about the world, that when he goes back to goura, he’s going to find out what has happened over the past few months and we’re going to get more flashback chapters revolving around it.

one of the biggest things, though, is that there is/was a mole in SM, and it’s someone who has been working with seimei. it’s not mikado, it’s not nagisa, or ritsu, or seven. it’s the person who disappeared on the night of the incident, who disappeared against all odds and despite the fact that there was no way she should have been able to and then was shown to be at the place where bloodless was stationed. in other words, chouma was undoubtedly a mole.

(don’t worry guys, she just Got Better.)

there had to have been a mole. there is no other possible way that seimei, nisei, and bloodless, couldve so easily surpassed security at the school. seven had recently designed the new system and even though bloodless and nisei are both said to be quite good at getting through systems, seven does this for a living and they got through the security system like it was nothing, like they already knew what to do and then they knew exactly where the information they needed was located and how to create a distraction to get to it.

(mikado actually seems to be alluding to chouma being the mole here.)

it’s pretty obvious, knowing these things, that there was someone feeding them information from the inside, and the only person that could be suspiciously disappeared after the incident at seven voices and created chaos with kaidou kio and was shown walking around, despite having said to be paralyzed.

(technically, i guess you could make the argument that kunugi couldve been the mole, but we know nothing about them, whereas the small information we’ve gotten about chouma pretty obviously implicates her as the mole, especially since she’s clearly not a prisoner at the place kio was being held.)

if nothing else, i expect septimal moon to have realized by now that there was a mole in their organization, and i expect them to be trying to figure out who it is/was. im unsure if they have figured it out yet, but this would be a good way to create chaos within the organization. so far, from what we’ve seen, septimal moon in its current iteration is incredibly unstable. i say this because of what we’ve seen of it–we have members who hate each other, members with histories with each other, members who are incredibly narcissistic and members who see everything as a competition.

let’s break down what we’ve seen of SM so far. we have ritsu, who is so incredibly wrapped up in his history with soubi and akio that he’s completely obsessed. hes been shown to disrespect authority, prefer working alone rather than in a team, looks down on others around him, seems to enjoy delegating tasks, is obsessed with control, and is all around incredibly narcissistic. like, ritsu completely fits the bill for narcissism. and narcs don’t tend to work in teams of equals very well. in SM’s current iteration, ritsu seems to want to take control and ‘lead’ the council, despite everyone on the council being at the same authority level. on top of all this, ritsu has history with nagisa and potentially had a very large hand in what caused nagisa grief for the rest of her life (more on that in part 9). ritsu and nagisa have a rivalry that seems to take up most of their screentime, and ritsu seems like he’s constantly trying to get the upper hand and swing into a greater position of power, rather than being concerned with the well-being of the council.

(i mean, come on. he was like this at 15 and just seemed to get worse.)

then we have nagisa. im going to eventually do a write-up on nagisa’s character, since there’s a lot that needs to be said about her, but the short version is that sanae’s death so incredibly affected her life that nagisa is still stuck in a state of grief 21+ years later. nagisa’s life still revolves around sanae. she’s constantly trying to fill the void that sanae left, even going as far as creating an experiment in her image and then using ritsu to replace her once he was injured enough that he needed her. going along with this, she has a horrible relationship with ritsu (more on this in part 9), and it’s incredibly unhealthy. she’s not in love with ritsu. she even admits that she’s using him to fill the emptiness that her sister left. ritsu is the only thing left of sanae that nagisa has, so she holds onto him even if she hates him because of the fact that he was partially (as far as she knows) a cause of her death. this has resulted in her being obsessed with ritsu, but in a negative way, and she has created a ‘game’ where she constantly tries to destroy him and all that he has left (soubi). this is what her entire life is. it all revolves around sanae and by extension, ritsu. her personal relationships and goal to try to beat ritsu completely cloud her judgement, and she has not been shown to work in a team at all.

seven, on the other hand, isn’t involved (or too involved) with personal conflicts and personal relationships. but, the problem is that she doesn’t have personal relationships, with the exception of nagisa. she’s reclusive and a loner, and doesn’t appear to work in a team yet. she is said to mostly stay in her room and not talk to people, and values the virtual world over the real world. this doesn’t make her the best candidate for a good team-member, especially when she’s outright described as a shut-in with only one friend.

chouma is a mole. i think it goes without saying that that’s not... really a good quality to have on a team.

seimei is a traitor, a murder, and a rapist. he is also not a good team player. and that’s why he has a literal death warrant out for him.

mikado is interesting because due to her personality, i actually think she’d actually be the only one out of these six with the council’s survival at heart, since she’s a very objective person and seems to properly keep her personal life separate from her professional life. however, this seems to have crossed recently, because she has a professional job with the same objective as her personal goal--taking down seimei and nisei and making them pay for what they did to her. it’s also currently up in the air whether or not SM knows that she actually battled with seimei and if they know about her contacting ritsuka. while i also think both these actions were good for the council, i dont know if the rest of the members would take well to knowing that she acted without telling them. this could easily cause dysfunction. regardless, though, i actually think mikado would probably be the best team player out of these six for the simple reason that she views her position as professional and tries to keep it separate from her personal life. but i dont think she alone has enough glue to hold everything together.

so we have 5 people who can’t work well together and 1 who may be acting without the council’s knowledge. on top of that, 2 of those 6 are traitors and have betrayed the organization. we do have 1 member who we know nothing about other than a name, but more on them in part 8. regardless, we have a team of people who... aren’t really a team. theyre more of a collection of people who should be working as a team but are more working as individuals. they are incredibly dysfunctional. theyre dysfunctional enough that seimei was essentially hiding in plain sight at an old lady’s house with contact to the outside world and SM couldn’t find them until a 14 year-old member started working by herself and successfully tracked him down without the help of the other members. in short, they’re pretty terrible at what they do (more on what they do in part 7).

above all else, the current iteration of SM does not work together as an organization. whatever they’re trying to do, they’re not doing it together. every member seems too wrapped up in their personal goals and problems to be able to work with others. ritsu is constantly focused on soubi and his narcissism affects him being able to work with others. nagisa is focused on beating out ritsu and is still in pain over her sister’s death. chouma is a mole and working with seimei and no one knew. mikado seems to be acting outside of SM as she goes after seimei. seven seems to be incredibly solitary. seimei betrayed the organization and his seat is open. right now, SM is not an organization, but a group of individuals who are all chasing personal goals rather than working together as a team. in short, SM is falling apart very quickly, and given the make-up of members and the opposing personalities, i highly doubt that they’ll be able to pull together to act as an organization.

because of this, the realization that there’s a mole in the organization could very easily tear them apart with accusations of each other and the dysfunction of the group as a whole. since the group is unstable, knowledge that there’s a mole can very easily cause untrustworthyness of other members and members could begin to get horribly suspicious of each other and start making accusations fly, especially when we have members with previous connections to seimei and members who only work alone. it creates an incredibly toxic environment that could easily be the downfall of the current iteration of SM. without knowing who the mole is, the dominant members of the group could cause the entire organization to completely fall apart.

(thats also the face i make when im about to fuck everything up with one piece of dialogue. i like her. she absolutely knows what she’s doing.)

#loveless #minami ritsu #sagan nagisa #saotome seven #gomon mikado #chouma kio #aoyagi seimei #aoyagi ritsuka #theory #post moonless battle series #my content

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renaroo · 8 years ago

Text

Recovery None (52/61)

Disclaimer: Red vs Blue and related characters are the property of Rooster Teeth. Warnings: Language, Canon-typically violence, Psychological torture & manipulation, Mentions of gore, Character death, Minor Sexual content Pairings: Yorkalina, Chex Rating: T Synopsis: [Canon Divergence AU] When the Mother of Invention crashed, Project Freelancer was in shambles, its surviving agents scattered, its equipment stolen, and an impending investigation into the crash from the UNSC was on the horizon. To regain control of the deeply corrupted program, the Director established a new unit from his remaining supplies – the Recovery Unit.

Three former Freelancers were chosen for particular tasks: Zero is to hunt down and destroy the Meta, One is to investigate and recover stolen or missing equipment, and Two is to take down AWOL former agents.

Of course, no one’s motivations are what they seem…

A/N: EVERYTHING’S COMING TOGETHER. almost. Sort of. You’ll see what I mean : )

Special thanks to @secretlystephaniebrown, @icefrozenover, @washingtonstub, @freshzombiewriter, @scribbleboxfox, @notatroll7, DuchessPoint, Yin, @every-survival, and Minerva for the feedback!

Recovery Zero XVI: Within Reach

She found herself asking, more than once, why were they doing this. And while normally that would have been a rhetorical and even hysterical question to ask, Carolina was still getting accustomed to the idea that her mind -- and thus, those answers, were no longer simply her own.

“I thought it was pretty clear why we were doing this,” Epsilon spoke up, looking at her from over her shoulder.

“Covert, Epsilon. We’re doing covert surveillance,” Carolina reminded him in a snappish whisper.

She shifted from her squatted position -- still far behind the compound and in the snowy banks. It was unlikely that these soldiers -- all simulation troopers from the looks of them -- were going to catch onto them any time soon. But she still hadn’t had any sights on Wyoming.

And he was the one that she was concerned about.

Which, again, made this entire operation, once again, questionable.

Epsilon pouted, so much as an artificial intelligence could. “I’m just saying, I thought we were doing it to help your friend--”

“Texas is not my friend,” Carolina corrected.

“You should probably tell her that, then, because she sure as hell seems to be putting a whole lot of trust in you guys. I mean. Even York was kinda more prone to questioning than--”

“Don’t bring up York,” Carolina warned dangerously, her eyes focused on her AI for extra emphasis. It worked and Epsilon fell back slightly, shoulders of his sprite lifted high. “Don’t bring up York while we’re doing this dumb mission you’re so excited about. And especially don’t bring up York around her.”

“She doesn’t like York?” Epsilon asked curiously.

“They were... I don’t know. They were friends,” Carolina spat out, looking back to the fortress in the snow and making sure to count the seconds between patrols.

They were inconsistent -- disorganized.

That could work in their favor. Or it could work against them -- Carolina was not a fan of unpredictability, after all.

“So we’re not allowed to be friends with Texas,” Epsilon pushed for more information, as if their brain was not a two way street and Carolina understood exactly what his angle was.

Letting out a growl, Carolina snapped back, “Why do you care?”

“Hey, I’m just trying to make sure we’re on the same page here, Cee. Trying to make sure I understand all the rules. Being a good partner. Making your life easier and all that stuff a good AI partner is supposed to, calm down,” Epsilon said with a shrug.

Rolling her eyes somewhat petulantly, Carolina shook her own head. “You have far from made my life any easier, Epsilon.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed. Which means I deserve some leniency for at least trying, right?” he asked.

“No,” Carolina said. “Okay, there’s no patterns in the rotations but we’ve at least got a count on the soldiers.”

“And at least five options for a plan of attack,” Epsilon said just as five different maps loaded across Carolina’s HUD.

“What?” she said, glancing over them.

“Trying that whole making your life easier thing, being an AI and whatnot,” Epsilon said, a flicker of greenish-blue across his projection.

“You’re doing it again,” Carolina said, pausing. “The green projection. It’s--”

“It’s not really Delta,” Epsilon admitted somewhat sheepishly. “But... I miss him. And he helps me think.”

“You split,” Carolina said quietly.

“No,” Epsilon said quickly. “I just... I need to do things. Things to make all the... all the different parts of me make sense. I need voices to talk back to -- in my own time. I need them the way you need me.”

“Isn’t it dangerous?” Carolina asked lowly. “I don’t want you breaking up bits of my brain. It gives me enough challenges intact.”

“I know, I live in there,” Epsilon attempted to joke back. But when Carolina didn’t laugh with his pause, Epsilon sighed and hugged his shoulders. “I would never hurt you, Cee.”

“Not on purpose,” Carolina said softly.

“Not ever,” Epsilon argued, so ignorant of his own history still. “Which is why, even though Tex is a hot piece of circuit breakers, I’m totally respecting your nonsensical hatred of her and not going to ask her to exchange binary.”

Nose curling beneath her helmet, Carolina stunted a shutter. “I don’t even fully comprehend what you were suggesting and I’m disgusted. Have higher standards.”

“Well, I mean, it’s not like anyone can beat you in a fair fight, right?” Epsilon joked. “I have to lower a bit.”

All humor escaping her, Carolina selected one of the attack plans Epsilon had singled out and then began to quietly move back toward where the ship was hidden. “Tex beat me.”

“Oh, so I do have remarkable standards,” Epsilon said.

Letting out a furious growl, Carolina threw her fist into the nearest rock facing, snow shifting above them, nearly threatening to blow all their cover.

Fortunately for them, the simulation troopers patrolling not only didn’t see them, but managed to look in the wrong direction and start blaming each other for the commotion.

Wyoming’s hiring policies must have been pretty subpar.

“Whoa!” Epsilon cried out, appearing in front of Carolina’s face. “Would you calm down? You’re going to get us found out! You’re going to get yourself killed!”

“And what does that matter to you, Epsilon?” Carolina snarled. “What’s that matter to anyone? What am I at the end of the day to anyone compared to her? Why do people either leave and never come back or decide I’ll never be good enough? Why is no one on my side!?”

“Hey!” Epsilon said, voice stronger than Carolina had ever heard it. He stood his ground, sprite bright in front of her. “I’m on your side. I’m always on your side.”

She was ready to discount the cold comfort of his words, to spit back out the first retort that came to mind, but instead she found herself staring at Epsilon with a slackened jaw. He was part of her, part of her mind, and she could feel the meaning of his words stronger than even she had felt Eta and Iota.

He meant it. Epsilon really meant it.

“I just don’t think me being on your side has to mean we’re against everyone else,” Epsilon explained. “C’mon, Cee. You’re a team leader. You know how to play nice with people. And I like Tex. I think she’s what we need to get to the bottom of this. She’s another AI, and I don’t have Delta -- well, the real Delta -- to coach me anymore, right? Maybe this is all... I don’t know. The way things work out.”

"Don’t say something stupid,” Carolina warned, glaring at her AI. “Don’t tell me that everything’s meant to happen or--”

“Hell, no,” Epsilon said. “Bad shit happens all the time and makes no sense. I don’t remember much, but I know that. It’s written into my code. But... I think things happen, and you use ‘em or lose ‘em. Right?”

Carolina tilted her head, a bit in awe of the AI. She huffed then continued sneaking them back to the ship. “When did you get so intellectual, Epsilon?”

“Hey, when you’re a nonstop working computer brain, I figure intellect’s about the only thing you got,” he said self-depreciatingly. “So I won’t get cozy with Tex.”

“And I won’t threaten to kill her,” Carolina agreed. “But it’s hard.”

“Hey! Promises,” Epsilon responded cheekily just as they entered the ship. He glanced toward Tex and Niner then flickered off, almost obediently.

Though, Carolina had some suspicion it had to do with the uncomfortable way Tex leered at him every time he made his presence known.

“What’ve you got?” Niner broke the ice impatiently.

“A plan of action, if Tex can coordinate and work fast as a team,” Carolina said accusingly, ignoring the internal groaning from Epsilon. When Tex tilted her head and crossed her arms, Carolina let out her own sigh of aggravation and put her hands on her hips. “Look, we can do this. I’ll even have Epsilon send over the specs for it. But I’ve worked with teams before. You haven’t. I don’t know how well you’ll take orders.”

“I won’t,” Tex said clearly.

“Well, fantastic. Great start,” Carolina snapped, throwing up her hands. “You know, I don’t even know why we agreed to get this far--”

“Okay, Carolina, hold on a second,” Niner said. “Now, seriously, both of you cut the shit. I’m not your nanny. I’m your getaway driver. And neither of you are much use to me if you put a blemish on my record by not getting away alive. You going to fuck with my record, ladies?”

"No, ma’am,” both Carolina and Texas said in unison.

“Good,” Niner huffed, rolling her chair toward the command computers in the cockpit again. “I’ll run correspondence on a private line from in here. And I’ll know exactly which one of you hotheads blows our plan through doing so. So don’t test me.”

Nodding, Carolina responded with a simple, “Thanks, Niner.” She then turned to head out the door again only to walk into Tex who had somehow managed to sneak up behind her. “What--”

“Before we go, we’ve got to deal with your signal transmission,” Tex announced sternly.

Immediately filled with defensiveness, Epsilon appeared over Carolina’s shoulder. “Hey! I’ve been covering my butt since the second we got here--”

“Not your signal,” Tex snapped and then nodded to Carolina. “Hers. It’s radiating like a goddamn beacon.”

“What are you talking about?” Carolina asked before realization hit her. She waved to her armor’s chest. “My Recovery beacon? That’s more masked than any equipment you’ve probably got on you. And, what’s more, no one outside of this ship... this ship and one other person knows about it. It can’t be traced without being known about.”

She gritted her teeth, fully prepared to defend not telling Tex just who the other person was, but it fortunately did not come down to that.

“Really? Then how do I know about it?” Tex demanded.

Carolina audibly snapped her mouth closed at the question, realizing that the argument was not going in her favor thus far. “I don’t know, you’re a smart AI. You probably began scanning for it after realizing I was alive. What do you want? A cookie?”

“I want you to mask the signal,” Tex said simply. “If I found it on accident, how long do you think it’ll take the combined forces of Gamma and Omega to find it once guards start turning up missing or being found dead?”

A terse silence took over between them.

Epsilon looked back and forth before awkwardly forcing a cough. “Well, I mean, there is a point there, Cee.”

Carolina visibly hesitated. Those thoughts of York itched at the back of her mind like a bad memory, always just under the surface, and trying to dig their way back out to the surface.

It was something... it was something unfinished.

And her memories were even longer than Epsilon’s, it seemed.

“I was supposed to leave them on for someone,” she defended the beacon.

“Would that someone want you dead?” Tex asked crudely. “Because that’s the options we’re looking at right now, Carolina.”

Squaring her jaw, Carolina huffed and looked to Epsilon’s sprite.

“Can you turn off my Recovery beacon?” she asked, as if she didn’t already know the answer.

“Consider it done,” Epsilon answered before flickering off.

“Good,” Tex said, finally moving out the door. “Let’s do this... leader.”

Carolina scowled and followed.

As much as he hated to do it, York knew he had to pace himself -- take breaks and rest, even if he didn’t even fully sleep while he did so. Those injuries weren’t nothing and the fact that his suit’s power was still at least partially diverted to his healing unit meant even worse.

He couldn’t go nonstop, but he did keep going.

It hadn’t made a lot of sense to him back when Carolina originally did it -- when she gave him the way to track her beacon while removing his. At first it was just a sign of trust, the kind of sign they needed to move forward with whatever they were to each other.

But as he had no one to think with but himself, he found himself reflecting on that choice more and more.

It wasn’t simply that she needed to have his trust. She was trusting him, as well. And she was doing that by giving him the option of going with the hopes that he wouldn’t.

Laying back under the bushes he had himself and his vehicle in, York realized how dumb -- how stupid -- he was to have broken that trust.

“Man, what an asshole,” York muttered to himself.

He then paused, waiting.

His brain felt numb, even deflated, as the familiar hum never came. As the opportunity to berate him in good humor was not taken up by the empty space.

Chewing on his lip, York pulled up Delta’s audio file again, to help just pretend his brain was still full of facts and logic and the partnership he couldn’t even begin to put into words.

The last few times York was able to get anything resembling sleep, it was in the middle of Delta’s departure video. York had just about every word of it memorized.

He didn’t have the mind for numbers and theories that Delta had -- never even tried keeping up with the AI. And why would he? Delta had it covered.

But more and more York was taking comfort in memorizing. In remembering things, details, just to keep his mind running.

As long as he did that, it didn’t feel so empty anymore.

Once the recording ended, York ready to drift into semiconsciousness and then, hopefully, sleep, he instinctively pulled up the coordinates of Carolina’s Recovery beacon.

Figuring out the miles between them -- simple math, math he could do alone -- was another small comfort.

Except he didn’t find that comfort.

In shock, York sat up ramrod straight, nearly making himself dizzy and nauseous with it. But he ignored the vertigo, ignored the pain of injuries jarred by his movements.

Ignored it all and stared, mortified, at the update to his HUD.

Carolina’s beacon was no longer on the grid.

“What the fuck?” he said out loud, pulling up his last log of it, comparing, getting confused.

Did she not want him to find her now? Did something happen to her? Was she captured?

York didn’t know, but he was about to find out.

Completely awake and with adrenaline rushing through him, York leaped up and moved toward his mongoose and readied to drive in the direction of Carolina’s last beacon transmission when everything changed.

He heard the aircraft before he saw it. He looked up, recognizing the markings on the wings as the vehicle flew low overhead and toward the opposite direction.

"What the hell,” he muttered. “Charon Industries? That... can’t be a coincidence.”

It could have been, of course. York nearly waited to hear the statistical possibility that the rival institute would be on the Freelancer controlled planet. After all, Tex had showed him that they weren’t Insurrectionists after all, as horrifying as that realization had been.

But there was no little voice muttering probabilities in the corner of his mind. There was only dullness where a hum had once resonated.

And the only one second guessing York was himself. Something he had never been that great at.

“Well, let’s see how deep this rabbit hole goes,” York decided, turning the mongoose and heading after the ship.

Carolina had to hand it to Epsilon, the AI could actually make quite the plan of attack.

The fortress, while heavily guarded, was still guarded by complete morons. The sorts of flunkies which Project Freelancer managed to turn into simulation troopers were not chosen without reason.

While Tex flanked right, Carolina flanked left.

She easily moved silently through the soldiers. One moment, Epsilon would have her armor’s color change from red to blue as necessary and she sneaked past guards only to silently take them out from behind.

It was covert operations, it was her specialty. And Carolina was almost able to lull herself into simply rolling with the motions.

At least, until she was backing up and hit against something invisible.

“Hey!” Tex growled at the same time as Carolina turned with her gun aimed and yelled, “Hey!” herself.

Tex dropped her active camo and they stared at each other for a moment, guns up.

Epsilon appeared over Carolina’s shoulder and looked back and forth between them. “Ladies...”

“I took out twelve,” Carolina announced. “If you were able to take out the same amount there’s still three more guards--”

“Nope, I actually took out fifteen,” Tex said. “We’re covered.

“What?” Carolina hissed, dropping her gun and looking incredulously at Epsilon. “Epsilon!”

“What?” he called out. “What’d I do?”

“You gave her the side with the most soldiers?” Carolina growled.

“What’s it matter? I took them all out. Now we have to go for Wyoming,” Tex grunted.

“I didn’t mean to! I mean, maybe. It’s not what you think--” Epsilon attempted to defend himself just before there was a revving of an engine. “Oh what the fuck is going on now!?”

Just as the words left Epsilon, the doors behind Tex and Carolina burst open beneath the wheels of a warthog flying through the air, landing front wheels first, and driving directly into Tex, giving Carolina time to move only thanks to her speedboost.

TEX!!! Epsilon all but screamed in her mind, causing Carolina to go into a full body flinch.

“Epsilon!" she hissed, sliding to a standing position away from the ongoing collision. It was enough to make the AI stop screaming and get back into full attention, turning his projection off and turning her armor color to a deep red to blend into the surroundings.

The collision between Tex and the warthog continued, her caught on the grill before it smacked into the opposing wall. She let out a grunt, but otherwise reacted rather inhumanly to being pinned.

Carolina nearly leaped forward to begin to help, but she paused in her tracks.

She had known they were going after Wyoming, but seeing him there, in the seat, alive and well, was chilling. Unexpected somehow.

They had been hunting teammates. Just like she had supposed to have been hunting Maine. Even if it was, in her mind, always about following him to the Director.

Wyoming didn’t seem to hold any of those qualms.

“Well well, look who abandoned her mates to follow me. I’m flattered, of course, but you’ll pardon me for not acting surprised, Tex,” Wyoming said calmly before looking back toward the door and where two simulation troopers were laying on the ground. “And it seems you’ve killed my two best guards. Oh bugger.”

“Oops,” Tex gritted out. “Sorry ‘bout that.”

“Perish the thought, my dear. Tomorrow is pay day. You actually saved me quite a bit of money. Kill anyone else and I might have to start paying you commission,” Wyoming joked.

Tex did’t waste time, though. “Where is he!?”

Wyoming sighed. “Oh, right. And here I thought you were spending all this time trying to get close to me. Tisk tisk.”

“Cut the shit!” Tex roared. “Where is he?”

“Yes, he asks about you, too, Tex,” Wyoming said cryptically. “It’s almost as if you two are on the same mind.”

“That’s not funny,” Tex snapped.

“Sorry, but I can’t play matchmaker today, I’m entirely too busy,” Wyoming announced. “Seems there’s an Alpha that’s still missing its Omega.”

“Don’t you DARE!” Tex roared like some kind of caged animal, clawing at the hood of the warthog that was doing its level best to crush her into the concrete wall. Said wall cracked behind her armor.

“Alpha?” Carolina asked. “Epsilon, which one’s--”

Suddenly, there was a primal scream. It tore through her mind, ripping through her like tissue paper. Harmonious screams behind her eyeballs, ripping through her very soul.

It was rage and it was fear. It was heartache, it was anger. It was a memory of who was and who wasn’t anymore.

They came rippling through her mind, leaving Carolina with so little control to stop herself.

Crying out along with Epsilon, Carolina reached up and grabbed at the edges of her helmet, shaking her whole body back and forth in an effort to regain control.

The visions, the familiar faces, the names, the--

Sunshine--

“Carolina!” Tex yelled, barely heard through the cacophony within Carolina’s own skull.

Her eyes rolled back and her body dropped, her mind only casually hearing the sounds of a vehicle taking off. Hardly registering the the weightlessness of being picked up.

“It’s alright, I’ve got you, kiddo,” a familiar voice said through the blinding pain.

Carolina’s face was growing wet with tears as she held onto her helmet for dear life.

“Mom?” she asked just before everything went black.

I’m sorry. They were right all along. What’s... what’s wrong with me? echoed through her skull into the dark.

York played it safe. Maybe too safe.

He wanted a simultaneous terrain readout and a scan of the frequencies nearby the landed ship. He also wanted to divert some power from the healing unit to run all the systems together.

With Delta, he would have barely had time to think of the requests before the AI would have been bickering about how displeased he was with diverting from the healing unit.

But, once again, Delta wasn’t there.

Instead, York skipped the terrain readout, diverted more power from the healing unit than he probably should have, and then began manually skipping through the radio frequencies.

“This sucks,” York uttered in what had to be the world’s greatest understatement.

After what felt like forever, he locked onto a weak signal -- a personal channel from a helmet radio.

Perfect.

“Because I don’t have anything else to do!” a familiar voice screamed over the crackling radio.

Immediately, York gritted his teeth. “South.”

“There’s a ship inbound for some piece of shit place called Blood Gulch. I’ll take the place of the people on that ship, it’ll work from there. It has to,” she said to whoever she was speaking to. She sounded hysterical, upset. York had a hard time feeling sympathetic. “Why? Because we don’t have any other options. This is it. This is the one. That was where he was heading. You saw it yourself.”

Dropping from the channel, York narrowed his eyes and moved back toward the mongoose.

“I don’t know who’s heading to Blood Gulch, but I’m not letting South get there first,” he gritted out, setting his GPS. “Every time she’s a step ahead of us, it’s trouble. I’m done with letting it find us instead of them.”

He started up the mongoose and began the drive, ignoring how there was no us anymore.

#writing #rvb fic #RvB: Recovery None #Agent Carolina #Epsilon Church #Four Seven Niner #Agent Texas #Agent York #Agent Wyoming #Agent South

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twoscoopsofrecovery · 8 years ago

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re·cov·er·y  a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.  I wouldn't say I'm in recovery, but I also wouldn't say I'm fully in my ed or addiction at this point. I feel like I'm re entering recovery. But this time fully and honest, and I think that is why it is taking a little longer to surrender. When I do surrender I am doing It fully and completely. Two months back in treatment. Three months since I last wrote, so as assigned I'm writing again. An assignment I actually don't mind, I get to do what I love. A lot has happened. I've found myself kicked out of my parents house, yet again, jobless, broke, living with friends. Seems to be the norm. My mood has been extremely unstable and my behaviors are out of control. Well, sort of. I stopped purging. Since December 20th, when I finally came back to rosewood, I've only purged once. Which, is crazy because before I came in I was purging everything I ate. So major improvement there. Readmitting myself was this whole process. Due to health reasons it took longer then expected. My doctor found I had pancreatitis, which freaked me out to no end and back and motivated me to start eating a little bit before I even got back into treatment. Which, was insanely hard. My first two to three weeks back, I couldn't finish a single meal. It was humiliating to some extent, I felt completely incapable. With restricting, I haven't really been. There's this grey area in my brain where if I don't have the means to eat and if I don't have money, I don't have to eat. Which, was a bit of a problem maybe a week or two ago but I've seemed to improve with that one. So I guess my behaviors aren't out of control; I haven't purged, meal plan compliant, I don't binge, I don't use laxatives/diuretics/diet pills, I don't over exercise. Where does the problem stand then? Easy: my drinking. I'm in a constant debate with myself lately. Do I have an alcohol problem? A year ago I would've instinctively answered yes, I am an alcoholic. Today, well, I am not sure how to answer that question. I've drank a couple times now since being back. I'm supposed to be sober, everyone is supposed to be sober while in a program like this. My rational is: if I don't have a problem, I shouldn't have a problem staying sober for the duration of my stay at rosewood. But I find myself trying to sneak around the rules to drink. Is it a problem? I'm not too sure. When I drink I don't do so excessively, just enough to get decently drunk. Which, if you know me, you'd know its pretty easy for me because I basically have zero tolerance. So, again, I ask, where is the problem? The problem that I am encountering is not the actual alcohol it's self, or any drugs, or anything tangible for that matter. I do not think I am physically addicted to any substance currently as it stands. What I am addicted to, is escaping. And that's where the problem lays. I can't handle my reality, I want to get plastered, and forget about the shit show I call my life. I'm still terribly depressed and it keeps coming and going in waves and I can't really take it anymore. My life is currently rotating between, I want to kill myself and I'm writing a suicide note, to, my life is amazing and I love everyone so much and I'm so grateful for what I do have and people are inherently good. Which, is exhausting. A wave of sadness hit me the other day. Partially due to concerns, partially because of no reason. The other night I spent most of the evening with my boyfriend. I almost went into a flash back and started disassociating but was able to pull myself out of it before it had happened. He was extremely supportive and understanding, which was extremely comforting while I was in a more vulnerable place. When I got back to my friends place that I'm staying at, I was texting him, and something had come up. I've found myself scared to think about what things would be like with out him. Which, is insane because I haven't thought that about someone since my ex who I dated for almost two years. I don't find myself pushing him away, if anything I'm scared because I know I'm becoming attached, and commitment is scary, but I want it so badly. So, relationship wise, I'm extremely happy with where it's going. I'm very grateful I met someone who gets me and is there for me. It's going on the right direction, I'm in love, I'm happy, communication is there, things are good. So abnormal for me, but hey I'll take it. It's good and exciting. But, i miss my mom. My sisters, my brother. I know I have family, they're there, just not there right now. I have other family, family of choice vs. family of origin. I have people around me that help me out and are there for me. But I still miss them. So much. Before I readmitted me and my mom had probably the best mother daughter relationship I could of ever asked for. We had very real conversations about life; the good the bad, the nitty gritty details of addictions and my eating disorder. My mom confided in me and I the same. I miss my mother terribly. I miss my sisters and their beautiful sun-filled smiles. Sophia and her innocence. Audrey, who finally felt comfortable enough telling me her deep 5th grade coming of age secrets. Leo, who was just beginning to trust in me once more. I miss them. I miss them so much it hurts and I try not to think of it. So I won't talk about it anymore. I guess over all everything has improved and become more complicated. Still Canadian though, that's a major stress for me. But, I think I have figured out a way around it. I can get an F-1 visa, which is a student visa. Of course I'd have to take out loans to be able to go to school, and probably be in debt for the rest of my life, and after I'm done with school my visa is up and I cannot switch visas to something more permanent. So, it would just be delaying the process of going back to Canada. Which, at this point, I don't mind too much. Who knows where I'll be in four years. Four years ago I definitely didn't think I'd be back in treatment for a second time. Nor did I think I'd be alive at 20. At 16 I thought by time I was 18 I'd be dead. And "If I make it to twenty I'll have dentures" which didn't exactly happen. So yeah, maybe things have improved. I don't have much to complain about right now. Well, I have tons to complain about, I'm just choosing not to, because I'm not so sure how that'd serve me at this point. Wallowing in my own self pity doesn't help much anymore. I realize I need to get up, and move forward. I need to take action. It is my life and I do want it to be better then it has been. Ive recently reconnected with an old friend. I'm extremely grateful for her, as she has been there through the most depressive points in my life, and still has stuck by. She is family, and I love her dearly. Talking to her more recently I've realized how much I have changed, although I feel as though I haven't. We used to be a little group, me, her, my ex who is her step brother, her best friend, and her boyfriend who is now her husband. We used to do everything together. Before I had initially started treatment I lived with her because, well, my parents kicked me out. She had taken me in and for about two months we were this happy little family, until my suicide attempt. Which I regret so terribly and hate myself for putting them all through. When I was 18 I had an episode where I slit my wrists and hoped to die. Instead, my ex came into the bathroom where I was attempting to do so, and then a few minutes later, the rest of everyone. They rushed me to the ER and I was admitted to the psych hospital about twelve hours later, where I had never felt so alone. I spent five days in the hospital and then went to reasons inpatient for my ed because like my friend had said "be honest about your eating disorder". They had stayed with me while I was in the ER and the entire time she had been saying to be honest. And honestly if I didn't listen to her I probably never would have gone to treatment. So ash, if you're reading this, thank you. Thank you so much for everything you've ever done for me. I love you and you're a huge part of why I ever decided to change and learn to live. My parents always told me growing up that friends never last and family is forever. I'm upset, I'm hurt, I'm angry. Where the fuck are my parents now? If family is forever where are they? All I have is friends at this point. Which, again, I am so insanely grateful for. I don't know what I would be doing with out any of you. The people I choose to surround myself around are the people who actually stick around. Who knew, if you surround yourself by good people, good things happen. In my relapse this last time around, someone had asked me why I was killing myself over making my parents happy. At that time I wasn't exactly too sure what they meant and why they would say something like that. I was upset and hurt by it. But looking back just three months I completely understand that statement. Unfortunately, if I want to recover and live my life, I have to be separated from my parents. I love them so much. I love them to the moon and back. I have so much respect for them and would never do anything to hurt them. I think they are amazing people, but right now as it stands I have to love them from afar. And I'm coming to a place of acceptance with this. I think this is manageable at the point. As far as my visa goes, I've decided to get my F1. A student visa. I'll take out a loan and pay for school. I'll probably be in debt for the rest of my life but at this point, I do not care. All I'm doing is going to school for cosmetology and honestly, that's not that much money. So I need to finish high school. Which is on my list of things to do. This week I'm going to figure out how/where to go to get my transcripts. Or if I'm just going to take my GED. Also this week I'm going to meet up with a friend on Sunday and see if I can get a job anywhere. I'm excited honestly things feel like they're moving forward finally. And that's because of me. Because I finally decided to stop crying and wallowing in my self pity and actually get up and do something. The good news is, everyone else's voice is out of my head. I'm a lot more clear on what to do and how to do it.

#ed recovery #ed treatment #adulting

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love-transparentstudentarca-blog · 6 years ago

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Saint Louis Missouri Cheap car insurance quotes zip 63158

"Saint Louis Missouri Cheap car insurance quotes zip 63158

Saint Louis Missouri Cheap car insurance quotes zip 63158

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://saleinsurancequotes.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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My insurance and how it'll go up in September?

I just received insurance. I am a brand new driver 18 in about thirty days. Just now bought myself a car and just now got insured on my Grandparent's insurance.Currently now, it's only $48 a month, but the insurance man said that it'll go up in September. It makes sense, considering that right now I'm only paying a part of the package. So I understand that. With me being a new driver, how much will this all go up? Are we talking about $150? I did not take driver's ed, but I am eligible for the Good Student discount. I know you can't tell me directly, because neither could he. It all changes. But can anyone give me maybe a ballpark? I'm female. Good student. New driver. Thank you!""

How long do you have to go to school for an insurance company?

Or any insurance place? For car, hostiapl, boats ect.....""

How much is car insurance a month?

I am a female 21 yrs old that lives in Buffalo,ny. I wanna know how much per month will I have to pay for car insurance and if anyone suggests any car insurance companies for me.""

How much does car insurance cost?

Like im 16 and i got my first car its a 1996 pontiac bonneville... Anyways i need insurance to drive it,, so how does it work?? Like when i go to get insurance do i have to pay any fee's on the spot, when getting my insurance?""

Just turned 50 - can you get cheaper insurance if you are over 50?

It was my 50th bday last week and I'm trying to cut down on my car insurance costs. Can anyone recommend any insurers that offer cheaper prices for drivers over 50?

Where can I get moving insurance?

I'm moving cross country. This involves lots of companies, packing, boxing, loading, unloading, car haulers, etc. Does someone sell a blanket moving insurance?""

How can we get our own health insurance?

What do we need to do to get our own health insurance and how much is insurance usually?

Saint Louis Missouri Cheap car insurance quotes zip 63158

Car Insurance?

I am in the process of my my own car. I have been sharing my dads old car with my sister. I am 21, I got my licesnce when I was 18, and I have not yet had it three years. My dad called the insurance company and they told him it would be over 2600 paid in full because I have not had my liscence for 3 years, and in January it will drop. is this true, or does he just not want me to get a car?""

Where can i get cheap car insurance?

I am an eighteen year old and i need to get cheap car insurance on a 1999 grandam

Anyone know about car insurance?

I have always wondered about this.... say you were in a car accident with canceled insurance/ no insurance....but the next day you pay it. Then you reprt the accident, will they cover you?""

Yamaha dt 125 insurance?

hi, i have been looking on ebay and i have found that i may want to buy a yamaha dt 125. i have been riding a speedfight 50 for a year and a half however i did buy a ajs 125 which by the way was a terable bike. i was wondering what the insurance usually costs for a dt 125, i have already changed my insurance once in the past 12 months to swap back from the ajs to my scooter (i blew the gear box) so that may effect it. thank you so much for any responce i get (PS sorry about the bad english, it all looks the same to me being dyslexic)""

Car Insurance in the UK?

I am not a UK Resident , I am here in the UK from Australia for 5 months on Holidays . This is my forth trip here and after the first time when I hired a car for 7 weeks at a cost of 1400.00 pounds i found out that it would be much better to buy a car as I was going to be here for 5 months. A few days ago i took my rent-a-car back the i had for 7 days and cost me 150.00 pounds , I found a car to buy at a cost of 1200.00 pounds but first went looking to find someone to Insure the car . I spent overs 2 hrs on the phone and there was on one that would do it for me apart from one . I have 3rd party insurance only for this car and at a cost of 1230.00 pounds for 12 months . I am at a loss as to WHY i have to pay this amount and WHY no one will do it . MY Question is why is it that there no question asked when i hire a car for as lond as i like and am covered be insurance BUT if I try to buy a car and have it Insured that is a joke , Am I a diferent driver if it is my one car ?""

Heath Insurance like Car insurance?

I am sick of paying High prices for health insurance because of over-weight out of shape people who have all types of health problems! With that said, I believe health insurance should be more like Car insurance. If you are healthy and havnt been in Accidents then your insurance should be lower than people who are healthy, workout, eat right and dont smoke or do drugs. I no longer have health insurance because I cannot afford it. When I did have health insurance I never used it because I am healthy. Should people like me be paying less than others who dont care about their health?""

Affordable health insurance?

my company offers helath insurance for $300.00 a week. If I signed up for this I would end up bringing home 250.00 to support my family. IMPOSSIBLE! Where can I go to find more affordable helth insurance on my own for my family. I live in Massachusetts so it can not be a limited benifit plan. Any websites or phone numbers would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

Classic mustang AAA insurance?

How much does it cost (annually or monthly) to insure a classic mustang (1964-1972) with AAA?

I have full coverage on my car insurance..i accidently dented my car and broke the window my self what i do?

i have full coverage on my car insurance ,,i accidently broke the driver side window and dented the door my self,,what should i do? tell the insurance that somebody else did it and have them fix it?..they supposed to right?""

""How do i find car insurance for my 55 Chevy Bel Air, in Australia?

we have recently bought a 55 chevy (left hand drive) but i cant seem to find any insurance companies on the net to get a quote on how much the insurance will be...can anyone out there from Australia in particular help me out? thanks :)

How much is the insurance cost for a $8000 dollar car and a $ 6000 car.?

how much would it cost for basic insurance monthly and i live in vancouver if it matters

""On average, how much does groceries cost for 2?""

My friend and I are creating our budget plans for our first apartment. So far I've factored in rent, utilities, car insurance, and gas. If you know of anything else I should be aware of please let me know. Thanks!! (Btw, I'm in Arizona)""

Free Health insurance for College Students?

Is there any reputable programs that offer free health insurance to college students, or any reputable programs period where I could get health insurance? I was under my father's plan until this past year when our insurance was dropped because we were unable to continue paying for it. I work on a farm, which is not only dangerous, but does not pay well enough for me to maintain and fuel my vehicle, buy groceries, and pay for health insurance on top of college expenses. My university offers an insurance plan, but it is very expensive and I definitely cannot afford it...""

Does owning a home increase car insurance rates?

A coworker once told me that once you're labeled as a homeowner, your car insurance rates go up b/c you can be sued for your house. Is there any truth to this? If it matters, I live in NY.""

What is a good health insurance for an individual?

My dad lost his job 6 months ago, his new job doesn't have benefits. What is a good health insurance that will be cheap enough for a young college student that is affordable? (I ...show more""

What is the easiest/cheapest insurance company in Ireland to get insured on with an endorsement and 5 points?

A friend of mine was caught drink driving and has gotten his licence back but with an endorsement and 5 points on his licence, any insurance company he has tried has turned him away. What are his options car wise? And what are the best companies to go to? And also - he is 23 what price range would he be looking at? Thanks in advance for the answers!""

Insurance for a car your selling?

I just bought a lemon, I am 19 years old and I have never owned a car and only had my liscense for a few months. I want to sell it but do I need insurance to have it transferred to my name. I am just going to sell it to a mechanic.""

""What is the penalty for driving without insurance on a motorbike, as i feel it was a genuine oversight?""

I was stopped because of a broken rear light and as it happens my insurance had expired about 4 days before. I wasn't aware that the insurance expired , i thought it was at the end of the month. I didn't receive any reminder because i had forgotten to change address with the insurance company, which was completely my fault. This is a genuine oversight on my part, but I'm not sure if they'll look at previous incident i had with my cousins car when i was a teenager about 7 years ago, i got caught driving without insurance. Probably one of the stupidest things i have done but i learned from it, but the court may not look at it like that. Should i get a solicitor and does anyone know how much they cost? Will i be suspended from driving?""

What could happen to me if i didnt tell insurance company?

that i was done for drink drive 3 yrs ago... wana apply for my licence back have checked insurance and said i have a drink drive conviction will cost 1,790....when i dont say then it costs me 400 quid... what do i do and what can happen and how wld they find out and who can find out..... thanx all in advance x""

What is average cost of insurance for 1st time bike owners in the UK?

I wanted to ask what is the average cost of insurance (per month or per year) for a person who've just passed CBT and plans to own a 125cc motorbike? Thank you :)

How much does hydrocodone generally cost without insurance?

I'm curious to see how much it costs without insurance due to a toothache. my dentist prescribed me an antibiotic but it hasn't helped with the pain. i don't have any benefits. i really don't like how hydrocodone makes me feel nauseated but it helps with the pain.

Why is my car insurance so high?

I have full coverage insurance on my 2005 Honda civic and I am paying a little over $850 every six months. Every quote I get isn't much better. Why is it so expensive? My insurance lady says that it's because I am a young driver with a newer car. But my YOUNGER sister has a car 2 years newer than mine and she pays about $350 less every six months. I have no tickets on my record. I did have my license suspended about 5 years ago. Why is it so expensive and how can I get it down? I can't afford this sh* t. Thank you!

Car insurance ideas?

Im nearly 16 next year im 17 (obviously) this sounds pathetic but im going into the forces i realized when i come back from training i could afford a Jaguar XF but i need an idea about the insurance i want it as soon as im 17 i know im abit young but im careful and responsible so if anyone could tell me how much my insurance roughly would be ill be paying like 12k for the car.

Can I get private insurance with a van?

Hello Yahoo, I was interested in buying a bedford rascal for my first car however I've been doing some research and talked to a few people and they tell me if I buy a van then I'll probably have to buy commercial insurance with it- is this really true? Can I not have it strictly for private use? And finally, If I really do need to buy commercial insurance with it, will it cost a lot more than private insurance, and whats the pros and cons of commercial insurance over private insurance? VAN OWNERS! HELP!""

""I have taken out car insurance last month,i have found a cheaper insurance,i want to find out if i can cancel ?""

my previous insurance,i took it out on installments""

Saint Louis Missouri Cheap car insurance quotes zip 63158

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