#very scared but i wanna try
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comms,,, i’m very much nervous about opening them, as i have never done that before
i will share kofi link through dms if there’s any interest
additional info, like how long i will take to finish depends on requested artwork and how complex the idea is, but i will also link to my discord for updates
[These ones are closed now, will open new ones sometime soon again]
#hexenon’s comms#again void save me#very scared but i wanna try#opening my commissions#rewriting popular tags to get less visibility let’s go lmao#did need to edit the tags because i wanna try smth#commisions open#art commisions#hope i don’t regret this#might remove some tags again who knows#honestly just don’t look at my tags ever at this point#edit: well this try did reveal some things i guess
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to elaborate on the fnaf movie: the animatronics looked awesome. they played talking in your sleep by the romantics which rules. none of the characters were particularly gripping or well-developed but matthew lillard looked like he was having a TON of fun as william afton and who can blame him. yes i clapped and cheered when matpat said "it's just a theory". yes i clapped and cheered when afton said "i always come back". yes i clapped and cheered when they played the living tombstone's seminal masterpiece in the end credits. i had so so much fun. absolutely recommend if you just wanna see fun robot murder with cool animatronics and occasional hijinx. god i wanna see it again now
#fnaf movie#fnaf movie spoilers#<- just in case#very glad they didn't try to set up a straight romance with vanessa and mike#i was worried when she said 'wanna dance?' but thank god nothing came of it. don't put straight romance#in my funny video game movie#i was SO scared they were gonna do the 'innocent young kid asks the female love interest if she's their new mommy' thing#but they didn't. whew#'are you gonna arrest mike?' is funnier anyway
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I think it’s so ironic that the Pony Express escapes a lot if not all blame in discussion. I can’t even say I am excused from it but it’s just how hard people circle back to the characters alone without considering the environment they were made to be in.
Why would they design a ship where only two of the rooms lock? Not the bathroom? Not the sleeping quarters? We assume that all the companies in the universe are this shallow and careless to their workers but we explicitly know the Pony Express in extra vile. They are fed processed slop pack they can’t even really cook and the ration of those pack is meager at best. They hired and made people with a plethora of conflicting demeanors and beliefs work together on a mission where cohesion is important if not an outright necessity and punish them for not being happy about it. There’s no social protocols, not chain of command other than Captain’s word/choice and the only way to enforce that is with a literal firearm. They don’t allow them to celebrate freely and even took away leisure activities that would make them less stir crazy. They are only allowed a few hours of sleep despite their being no other real responsibilities or work on the ship, no matter the position or its importance. With any crew, with any level of synergy, this was a powder keg waiting for a spark.
I’m not saying characters that made mistakes didn’t make huge ones, but I think part of the horror is that at least for some (this is targeting Jimathan) those mistakes are partly made by a force of the hand. There’s a running theme of lack of choice and being forced into something and the very nature of how The Pony Express expected them to function plays a big part.
#like even I forget that all actions taken in the game were people trying to remain in protocol outside of Jimmy#Anya couldn’t have jus stolen the scanner and got the gun cause she’s a sensible person and knows she’d be in legal trouble#or get everyone’s credits docked or just hoping that there’s some chain of command for this sort of thing#Daisuke only really acted in accordance to his direct superiors because he’s an intern he wouldn’t know the first thing about protocol or#what to do in any situation. like this is essentially implied to be his first real job#Curly may be the captain but he still has to follow rules and procedures and we see with the letter the Pony Express likely has very shady#and shitty ones. he gives the best not depressing or totalitarian options he can otherwise everything is just his word which aren’t even his#or like him just asserting his position with the gun which he wouldn’t do#Swansea follows the book begrudgingly because he’s trying to stay right and not fall back into who he once was#I feel like it’s not incorporated nearly enough that the environment they were dropped into heavily affected their actions#say there was a single person higher than Curly or a plan of action when a crew member is considered a danger to himself or others#I think it’s fascinating how people will stick to protocol and break when they get scared or to their limit#cause the game shows how normalcy deteriorates and I think discounting what the characters where put through by the company takes a way a#real and scary aspect of what happened to Anya because as a friend Curly didn’t do enough for her at all his comfort was there and he#appreciated but it was a distracted sort of care but as a Captain he didn’t protect her but he’s was a Captain of the Pony Express like what#if they told him to wait to? he still should’ve done something because Anya was actively suffering and Jimmy should’ve been reprimanded but#he’s a captain with orders like the Tulpar isn’t his ship in the same way like#god I wanna explain this in a way that makes sense but the Tulpar is like designed to breed animosity and work on the bare requirements one#needs to get things done that’s not how people work and if anyone deviates or interrupts that it literally has nothing to handle it#it becomes clear that if any social unrest happens why they just say fuck it and give the Captain the gun because if something happens the#blame can easily be placed on the person they put in charge despite what they put them#in charge of like this is just like work place harassment irl because often the perpetrators are not punished but the supervisors for not#stopping them with meetings or cuts or whatever but the environment the company fostered is rarely fixed or blamed#like why was this allowed to occur? and honestly that is because Jimmy did what he did#ask me about this if this is confusing cause I worded it crazy#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#the pony express
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sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'
#red said#recent events have reminded me that my life has involved like. a LOT of other people's psychosis#like not in a way where i have been Beset By Terrifying Crazies bc that's not like. a thing.#but a lot of people in my life have had a lot of really severe psychotic episodes#and i FORGET sometimes. that actually that is an Unusual Amount Of Experience With Psychosis for someone who's not#for somebody who has not really personally ever had psychotic episodes (unless severe PTSD flashbacks count)#actually i tell a lie i have maybe had One psychotic episode but because it was very situational and i knew what was happening#i was able to ride it out. because i am literally only psychotic Inside Hospitals and so that's all fine#as long as i LITERALLY NEVER HAVE TO HAVE INPATIENT CARE. Very important to me to never ever ever require surgery i think.#i can handle the amount of psychosis i get from a 1-4 hour stopoff in hospital#as long as i know I'm leaving soon then i can just Cope with the fact that the walls are moving and reality is thin#ANYWAY that's not the point the point is i forget! that most ppl i know have experience of at most a handful of severe psychotic episodes#some people i know have experienced more for sure. especially if the episodes were mostly theirs.#but people really seem to expect me to be more freaked out by their symptoms of psychosis than i am#bc i don't think i really register it as frightening unless they're in actual danger or Currently Aggressing Actually At Me#like i WORRY about them bc it can super suck but it's not SHOCKING or WEIRD#there have definitely been times ive been frightened. one time i woke up in the night and my friend was standing over me with a knife#but also like he was still HIM he was just having a moment. and as soon as i got the knife off him he just came back and broke down.#and we were fine and he was safe and i learnt the valuable lesson that even when people seem like they wanna kill you they probably don't#tbf now I'm thinking about it it's honestly a tossup whether he was there to threaten or because he felt a need to guard us#like to be clear probably don't try and take a knife off someone having a psychotic break. i was 17 and it was 3am and i knew him very well#i probably did not make the smartest call but nobody got hurt is the point#anyway you know there's that kind of psychotic episode and my granny got very violently angry a few times. buuuut you know there's also#been plenty of other times I've been with somebody having an episode and it's been chill as hell.#my ex saw and heard monsters so much that eventually she just got sick of being scared. we used to watch TV with them#i would sometimes have to sit on a bit of sofa that wasn't haunted and we might not be able to watch certain things bc they didn't like it#most of the time she was hallucinating there was absolutely nothing to worry about we just had a few extra variables#honestly of everyone i know who's had psychotic episodes or schizophrenia the amount of times it's been a material risk#is like. low single figures? maybe low double if you include self harm but idk what the cause and effect is there.#idk why you would need to be frightened like 99.99% of the time it truly is usually just Oh No That Seems Distressing For You I'm Sorry
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🍷<3
#when i got hashtag sick i was in hospital and i was doing my regularly scheduled call with my dad#and i really had no plans of telling him bc ive done that before and its not like he can scare the MS away or anything#i dont know what happened. maybe because it was such a fucking bad episode. maybe because i was so tired. maybe it was a secret 3rd thing#but one minute was like fine then i just burst into tears and i was crying so hard which is MEGA EW BC IM NOT A CRIER LIKE THAT#and my dad freaked out and he was like whats wrong and i didnt wanna tell him but I also sounded insane bc i spontaneously started sobbing#and he was getting more alarmed and i was upset that id upset him and so i just spat it out i was like 'listen king'#'its no biggie but my body is trying to kill me again and im just a little sad atm' and he replied 'baba why wouldnt you tell me?'#and this man who has a very big serious job literally dropped everything and took a 20 hr flight over#and he genuinely just grabbed one of his work suitcase because he showed up with nothing but dress shirts and his laptop#and i think maybe it healed me a little. i mean it def also made me sad too but mostly healed me#and he'd been here for a couple of weeks and he left today and i feel shit about being sad about it#again because he has a very big and very serious job and i genuinely dont understand how he even just showed up like that#so I felt guilty throughout#anyway i dont think he drinks anymore but i was like king have a sip of wine with me and he did and it was lovely#and I hope I become my fathers daughter and not my mother's child. praying to both our gods#heres to healing ❤️🩹
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i juat want you to know that "settle our bones" pulled me out of not only a depressive episode but a creative block too!! can't wait to read the next installments if you plan to continue the series 🫶
I’m so glad it was able to inspire you! That’s so awesome to hear ❤️🥺
#I do definitely have plans to continue SOB#I’m working (very slowly) on a holiday themed installment now#and then I do have plans for a longer fic after that introducing a few other members of the family#that one is exciting but incredibly daunting since I think it’s gonna have to be a chaptered fic and those scare me#(unless they come about accidentally bc I can’t shut up)#but I really wanna do the girls justice so I think it’s gonna have to be rotating POVs and kinda complicated#I think it’ll be good for Tim and his growth arc to get to step back a bit and help someone else through stuff ya feel#I’m also low key working on an Outsiders fic in the background#that’s my decoy story#for whenever I get frustrated with SOB#I can try to write something set in 1960s Tulsa and then appreciate Batman again lmao#settle our bones
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why is it SOOOOO difficult to write SOBS
#(i hope tht mario isnt massive for mobile users.. if he is Sorry)#I spent like what. 5 hours? writing and i dont have much to show for it; the fic thingy turned out rly short and very bad#but im lowkey proud of myself;; i've never written for 5 hours straight; i never have the patience#i am super scared to go back to read it tho; but i wanna like. at least try to finish it so i gotta#btw yeas it is steve and zombie. you know the rest wha ever#personal
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knowing communication is vital to a healthy relationship but never knowing how to start a conversation or holding back because you don't want to burden them with your emotions or say/do something that will push them away and just generally being socially inadept is such a fun time! :)
#i was so content being single why did i sign up for this again?#i like this person so much and i'm already so attached#and they've reassured me that they want to be with me also#but things are going so fucking slow and i think right now they have to#because of their mental state and things they are just trying to figure out about themselves and what they want#and i just want to be there for them through it and help them sort things out#but i guess some of the issue is they are mourning a relationship that they wanted but that didn't get to happen#but that apparently after we basically established yeah let's be a thing the other person reached in hopes they could meet each other#which like they told me it's more an issue now of letting the other person down easy and let them know they found a person to be with#but i'm just not coping with this knowledge very well at all#despite the reassurance from them that i'm the one they wanna be with#and i think i'm struggling because i'm probably jealous because they are friends and have been for years#and i don't want to be jealous i just wanna be chill about it#like i'm not going to be the person who makes them feel like they can't maintain their long term friendships#i won't be that person#but it makes me feel insecure like i'm competing against someone i don't even know#and i worry they're going to realize i just fucking suck and decide that to leave me to try something with that person instead#but i don't know how to even start a conversation or convey these feelings to them without fearing it's going to start some bullshit#that i don't want tainting the relationship#even outside of that like#i wanna know so many things about them but i don't even know where to start or if i can just ask them questions#everything scares me relationships are scary#i'm so fucking scared of being hurt again#ugh#personal#sorry i just needed to dump this somewhere because i've been bottling it up for a fucking week now#it did not make me feel better but at least i got the words out
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realizing im kind of a weirdo about laios and marcille
#possramble#ignore this im just babbling but#the thing is that like. i don't ship laios and marcille together. their relationship is so so important to me in that laios comphets himsel#and THINKS that he might be in love with her but he isn't and that's my insane obsession#platonic soulmates for real but they're so sweet together that i fully expect them to be shipped together#like i get it. that's almost the appeal for me. if dungeon meshi were any other series there'd be an epilogue where they get married#convention dictates that they're meant to be together as the male protagonist and his beloved female deuteragonist#but dungeon meshi DOESNT do that and i love it so fucking much they're the comphet besties ever for my strange little brain#like if i ever did an arranged marriage au it would absolutely be laios and marcille having a platonic political marriage and then just#the most insane mutual pining with marcille and falin while laios and marcille struggle their way into becoming best friends#the imagery of the king and his beautiful court mage being tender to each other and everyone thinking they're in love is like catnip to me#like yeah they'd be like that and have no idea people think they should be together and the subversion makes me so obsessed#the more people ship them romantically. the more i enjoy their platonic dynamic it's like some sort of weird comphet fetishism idk#people think they're in love and im outside the window like YES... YES!!!#but also the second i see stuff of them kissing on the mouth or fucking im like oh god no i went too deep in here i gotta get out#don't wanna see that. i'll go feral over the idea of laios and marcille being arm-in-arm like king and queen but they would not fuck.#i want marcille to be his default comphet beard and dance partner/plus one at official royal events but they're not kissing.#she's there on his arm because he's scared of the other noble women tryna get him and being a baby about it#and people see them muttering to each other and laughing and generally being very sweet and think that they're dating but they're not.#she's actually covered in hickies from falin underneath her dress and is gonna get dragon dicked right after the party is over#like she's in her bedroom and falin's helping her take her ridiculous dress off while listening to her complain about politics#and falin is the person she goes home to the person she falls asleep to and wakes up with#they're a triad of utter devotion to each other but only farcille's side of the triangle is romantic#it's almost like an open secret because they're not trying to hide it at all but people assume and are surprised to find out#like people are so right about her relationship with the toudens but with the siblings' roles switched#love of her life & irreplaceable life companion. does anyone get it#anyway. i don't know what's wrong with me#it bothers me that they're not the undisputed most popular het ship for marcille on ao3#it's unnatural. marcille being paired with any other man should be a fringe case.
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I know its late but i thought id still ask if you guys are awake, what would you like to see me create in the future?
#wanna have more guys on board on my patreon so i can ease on the comms and try to build skills#for my science job#im very scared yet excited for the future but fuck#i dont wanna stop posting here so dont worry on that front#but also SEX
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Trying something a lil different for his hair this time around 🙏🙏🙏
#okay so what I’m doing here#in case you’re interested and wanna try and replicate this#and mind you I’m winging it#is that I’m getting a layer and setting it to darken#and I’m blocking out the shadows of his hair with a very light blueish gray color#and then I locked it and grabbed a light yellow orange and went over it with a soft airbrush#I still haven’t started on the arm yet I’m too Scared#also I once again am glad that I saved the sketch before the thing happened to my tablet and I had to factory reset the damn thing#this drawing would’ve been lost to the ether 😔#also I’m having quite a bit of fun with that default calligraphy brush pen#trigun#wip update
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Godddd I fucking hate this ugh
This isn't about the rain btw
#peach speaks#zilla speaks#im tempted to leave a friend's server honestly but i really dont want to#but i might because an ex friend/a person who is very much still associated with a major ex friend is in there#and is a bit more active than i am#i know i should jyst block and move on but discord blocking can be fucking annoying sometimes#i dont wanna bring it up with anyone else or the friend who runs the server cause i dont wanna cause a problem#i already had to soft block two people now because of this shit#i really fucking hate this#but i especially hate causing issues or getting involved with shit#cause i know the outcome#i know itll end badly for me because im not white or popular#im small and people will say im trying to cause shit when im not#im just tired of this#and im getting tired of being scared again#why cant things get better#why cant i just get over shit
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Wdym i cant draw for a MONTH..
#starting this sunday 😭#UNTIL AUGUST#ugh 😭#i wanna bring pomni with me but im scared shes gonna be used as a chew toy for either my dog or baby brother#i should just leave her with my older brother and gummigoo#i should bring my tablet with me if im gonna be gone for that long#i was considering leaving it cuz my mom doesnt really like it when i spend a lot of time doing art#and for context i draw literally every day so that combined with my family.. its like mixing oil and water#ill try my best to squeeze in some drawings but i’ll have very little time to do it#sorry guys 😔
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hi
#heyyy im alive#im sorry i havent been on tumblr much#i havent finished a lot of art recently either so im sorry the tmnt one is so messy#it was fun to make though#OH#yeah uh#ive been really into tmnt recently#rise specifically#and i havent really been focusing on kirby lately#i still really like kirby but idk.. ill try to draw more of it though#anyways#the first drawing was for a school project (that i should probably be working on right now..)#and the second was for practice because i really wanna learn how to draw mikey#i might try drawing donnie or raph next#leo scares me ngl#like he's so.. oddly shaped? very pointy#ok time for the real tags lol sorry for ranting#kirby#hello kitty#sanrio#teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt#tmnt michelangelo#rottmnt mikey#rise of the tmnt#wow thats a lot#turtle's art hoard#oh fun fact i didnt even really like turtles that much recently#i have no idea why thats my username
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i live exactly one floor above a gym and i've never actually been there because i'm too self-conscious :')
making this post to motivate myself by public exposure!
#their prices are very affordable i've just been making up excuses not to go#like that i don't have any good gym shoes/sports pants/t-shirts etc#we're moving this week so i wanna try going there even just one time#but i'm scared 😭#polls#mental health#emotional support#i guess?#feel free to rb#so i don't chicken out lol
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Still not over Oda deciding to have every single male character peep on the girls’ bath in Alabasta- including Luffy, Chopper, (disgustingly) King Cobra, and the fucking camel- EXCEPT for Zoro. In fact I’m pretty sure he’s the only main guy to have never been included in any of the many pervert gags. We talk about Luffy’s sexuality and very deliberate aroace coding a lot, but I think Zoro’s disinterest in women’s bodies is just as important to how he’s portrayed, and just as intentional on Oda’s part. Like, when we talk about the extremely (and justifiably!) popular mlm Zoro HC, it’s usually just our personal readings of his relationships with men like Luffy or Sanji, or (cough) strangely sexy one-liners, nothing we actually believe was intentional on Oda’s part. But this, I do believe is on purpose.
#is it necessarily queer coding? I wanna say yes bc even though queer themes have only very recently started being included TASTEFULLY#they’ve always been present in the narrative. some subtle and others more like the Horm Horm no Mi#still. Even though arospec Zoro owns my ass he just like me fr#I think in this case it’s just trying to convey that Zoro’s upbringing did leave Zoro in an awkward spot with women. in general#he tends to recoil from their romantic advancements and is the first to scoff Sanji’s ‘devotion’ to them#he can’t bring himself to objectify them or comment on their bodies at all. BUT ALSO#he can’t seriously to fight them. responds strongly when someone else does. He told Enel he was scum for hitting a /woman/ specificall#he recoils and flusters and stresses. overall doesnt know how to act around Tashigi and Hiyori#for all his talk about not being scared to fight a woman he was too afraid to actually cut Monet#He’s always holding himself back and there’s a narrative reason behind it. I wish I could pin it down better#roronoa zoro#one piece#my post
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